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whatididtday · 7 months

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Sept 16/Saturday

I woke up at 7:30

Had amazing dosas as breakfast and studied

I purchased Scrimba pro subscription so I can study more, I'm giving myself 6 months to get ahead and get a job by the end of six month

Studied for two hours and added it in my calendar

I feel very interested in Front end and I really hope I keep loving it and make a career out of it

Wasn't able to sleep in the afternoon, skin feels itchy - probably because of the swimming and not showering propley after the day before lmao

Didn't feel like going to swimming but cause I pinky promised the kids at the pool I'll go, I went.

I reached the pool at 5:55 ish and got in the pool by 6:00

In fifiten minutes the fourth grader - Di came in the pool and said'' I didn't feel like coming today but as I promised you, I came''.

It was v sweet, she was saying stuff that kids say like counting the laps wrong lmao and clinging on to me. I still tried swimming propley and I did 13 rounds.

Stamina is p low but I swim fast

The second kid, Gi also came soon after and both were pushing me to play with them and not swim

Another kid joined in our smol circle , I didn't get get name propely but I am sure it started with S.

10 mins before 7, three of these kiddos asked me to play with them. Kids really do be playing the weirdest games, they said it's truth and dare but it was not really that xD

The rules were each player will ask five questions, and you'll have to give an answer that's not the truth (?) and do it fast, else you are disqualified.

They asked me the following questions : what's the color of your swimsuit, as it was blue and black, I had to say anything but those colors so I said red.

Then they asked me what's the color of the pool, what's the color of the shirt of the person on the right side out of the pool and when I turned to look they days no no you can't look and tell, you have to guess but if you guess right you are out xD kids be scary

Then they asked me my age xD anf I said 98 and they all gasped and said you are out, you can't tell your age!!! I died laughing, so kids think I'm 98 years old, like oof, I understand they are like 8-10 year old kids but still. Then I started joking that I'm so old like a Granma if I keep playing I might die if exhaustion as I'm 98 years old xD and they were like "no no you are not that old, you are very very young" in an attempt to not hurt my feelings and make me feel included

Kids are sweet, I've been terrified of them cuz they say some nasty stuff and yet are so fragile bit these kids were super sweet and it felt very nice. I never got to play much after I was 8 years old due to my dad getting transferred every three years due to his work, and thus I poured my life into books and school.

Now playing wuth these tiny kids feel like a part of smol me healing as she never got to play like this

I hope it also means that as the days go by I'll keep healing and experience all the happiness and love I've always wanted and needed.

After swimming they waited for me to get changed, I usually do not comb hair after swimming and drying my hair as anyways I'll go home directly and I don't care tbh, but cuz yday the tiny one was like Owo why you no comb hair, I got it and I combed and the tiny one was like wow sis you look very pretty after combing your hair, and looked at me with her wide eyes with so much awe, it made me feel very nice cuz the innocence of a child is unmatched.

Then the second kid Gi and I walked till she reached her home which is stones throw from the pool. On the way home, I saw many frogs and I couldn't help myself but try to catch one like a kid till I saw a group of ladies walking past me and I felt embarrassed and ran back home.

I was v excited to tell someone about this, the swimming pool thing, I knew I was going to video call with my partner at night anyways, but I couldn't wait so I told my mom about it and she laughed and said that kids are attracted towards nice soul, so you should be proud of yourself.

I made tea for myself after that anf I tried to get some study done but I couldn't

I was tired and I just didn't feel like doing anything so I played pogo and texted J (pardner) here and there

Then after dinner, we video called.

I told them the whole story about the swimming pool and they laughed, then they told they'll be staying at their holiday house with their fam tomorow and it made me a bit sad cuz if means tomorrow no videocalls and I feel very upset about being upset and it tbh. I didn't tell them that, I wished to talk longer but it wasn't possible as they were vvv sleepy.

I played Pogo the whole night till 3,then I discovered I got periods uwu.

I assure tons of chips in the sofa downstairs to cope lol.

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whatididtday · 8 months

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September 15/Fri:

Woke up around 11:30, was motivated to get something done today.

Looked into how to optimize LinkedIn and clicked some new photos (none of which I felt is as good) but I still added one of them to my LinkedIn profile

Got v anxious v fast as I saw I am not eligible to apply for any job as my skills are below subpar and had a breakdown

I did apply to some places and got rejection mails p soon

The whole afternoon I cried, it's like a routine now to cry in the afternoon

Again my partner reassured me that it's not the end of the world and I still have time, I'm v burnt out so doing such stressful things will make me have more meltdowns and that I should rest properly

After the encouragement and lots of love from them I felt lots better

I then hyperfixated on Yoongi for a while and had a mental monologue about how Yoongi 's songs are so deep despite him appearing so non chalant.

I ate lots of sweets yday, more than 5 pieces of thick milky sweets and that caused my head to spin real bad but I wasn't able to sleep and felt again v depressed

I've been taking medications properly, now that my mom makes me take it religiously and won't go till I have and it but the feelings of great despair and helplessness doesn't go away and I have to fight with myself to not feel that way.

My partner has been telling me to take therapy frequently ans it might help as they feel it helps them, so I should look forward to my next session.

I played Pogo the whole afternoon toll mom suggested I should go to swimming as it's been a while and my membership lasts till 12 October, which was a surprise.

I thought I've not been doing any physical exercise so I should go and also it's nice to swim and hopefully due to my exercise my periods will be regular.

I shaved my legs and got in my swimming costume, blasted *Crossed* while playing pogo on my way to swimming pool. Just when I was about to enter a bird pooped on my shirt, it was drizzling a bit so I help my hand out and that's exactly when the bird decided to poop

The poo didn't hit my hand but was on my chest area and there's a school beside the swimming pool place and all the kids were like ew and I felt v embarrassed by I think I handled it v v welln

I wiped the poo and didn't really react much and went on my way.

I reached ten mins early to the swimming pool but I took some time to fix my costume and wear my cap.

The goggles I have is really bad idk why, I'm unable to see anything when I wear it, yday I noticed some scratches, I'll investigate it more and see wtf is up with it.

Swimming after a whole month was hard, I had very less stamina, I could only do 12 laps, usually I go for 16-18.

There was a v sweet thing happened yday where two kids, one 4th grader called Di and 5th grader called Gi came up to me to talk while the swim sesh.

Gi and I have waved at each other and had skme tiny brief talks, she asked me if my septum piercing hurts and she said her nose hurts everytime she sees mine which was funny and told me back then that she was in 5th grade.

Gi and Di both came to me and asked whixh grade I am in xD, bless their heart tbh it's so sweet and I took some time to answer, I first said I'm not in any grade to which they got a bit confused and then as they are kids and won't understand I'm unemployed and all the follow questions if have if I told them this would be bad so I said I'm working in Amazon ( it's been 5 months since I resigned) and they were like ohhhh so you get Amazon things for free? Can you get us something and it was v sweet and funny.

Then these two started splashing water at ecah other while I did one lap and after I rested next to them one of the kiddos splashed lots of water on me and as they are kids it was funny that tiny kids splashing loads of water on an adult, so I allowed it and was joking around that oh no ill drown xD

And they were splashing more and more water to whuxh I splashed back some and they were having fun wuth this and whenever I splashed water they'd turn away so that they don't get splashed directly on face so I swam under water and popped up right next to Di and splashed lotsa water and she was Owo how? It was funny nice and funny

Then both the kids started asking me to play around with them instead of swimming as it's fun whne I'm there and it was really sweet so I obliged. They did their childish shenanigans and when the bell rang indicating it was 7 already we got up and the kids asked me to walk home with them

The younger one, Di asked me if I'll come tomorow and I jokingly said no I can't, because you splashed so much water on me I'll get cold and she got v scared and said no no I'm sure you'll not get cold, and seeing her distressed I said haha jo, But she wasn't like content so she held her tiny pinky out and asked me to pinky swear I'll come tomorow and I did and cuz I did this with Di, Gi also made me pinky swear with her and now I have to go to swimming today else they'll be upset

Idk why I think so much, I started thinking what will happen after I stop going to swimming, will they be sad cuz I don't want them to. Plus I just am a bit worried that I'll not get much exercise done now that I'm stuck with kids, let's see how it goes...

I was v v excited to tell my partner about all this, but not on text, I wanted to hear them laugh and giggle so I texted them I'll tell em all during the nightly video calls and they were excited but I was more excited to tell if to someone right then and it was not night yet, so I told mom ans she laughed but I have been trying not to talk to mom much as our relationship is v dysfunctional ans she's extremely controlling and when I confront she says hurting words and abandon me to deal with damage. It makes me realize it's the first time ever that I'm keeping things both happy and sad from her due to her reluctance to hear me out without dismissing and abandoning me when I need and then tell me leave trauma and past problems in the past lol.

I had tea whole telling her the least amount of retail about the kids shenanigans and mom got some dhoklas and a cashew sweet which I ate.

After that I studied for 48 mins, I realized how much more I need to study and do more projects to get a hang of the concepts, it took me so much time to replicate one simple web page and it kinda geared me to study regularly.

Was called for dinner just after that and dinner was a sensory night mare, weird texture veggies and fish and it was really overwhelming. But I had to eat so I can take my meds.

Took meds at 9:36

After coming to my room I tried studying for some more time till it was ten and then we videocalled and I told them the whole thing ans we laughed but it seemed they were very sleepy and I wanted so bad to hear things from them more, to spend more time but I wanted tu be a kind partner and ask them to go and sleep and I think they saw I'm being a bit upset and they were like nope I'm tired yes but I wanna talk to you now.

One tiny hurt in me starts branching spreading into a whole big disaster but I did my best to control it.

They said they wanted to send me another sleep story vn and I was like please don't bb, you sent me so many of them so I want to completely cherish it and then out of guilt I told them please don't put so much effort in sending the sleep recordings, it's so sweet that you do but I don't want you to exert yourself and it hurts me and to this they felt extreme guilt and said I send em so you relax and feel happy and not be upset, please don't think I'm putting lots of effort into it and hurting myself, I enjoy doing it for you and you deserve it. You deserve the best love and I'm giving you that and I was on the verge of tears from all the kindness and love but also vv upset with myself for not stringing the words correctly and yet we resolved that thing and they were so eepy, I asked them to sleep please and they agreed and we exchanged our kisses and love.

I love them so much, I really want to marry them, have the rest of my life with them and for that I need to heal and not cry a lot and also fix my thinking and work on my dreams.

I slept p soon after that

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whatididtday · 8 months

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SEPT 14 (THU) :

I woke up at around 8:00, had some coffee and payasam anf feel asleep.

It's my dad's birthday today, I didn't wish him irl, just messaged him.

I know he might have felt upset but I don't want to hurt myself even more than I am

I slept till afternoon, played pogo for a bit, listened non stop to the song Crossed by Brady

I cried a lot, the whole noon - uncontrollable crying anf self pity

Read a lot of things about autism and wondered in fear if I can ever get over the limitations

I told my bb about me crying and they've been very kind and sweet, supportive

They told me take proper rest for one week, no thinking about finding job, just rest and take care of my health and do things I enjoy as I've been burnt out and that's why I'm crying so much.

They've been a safe place and the warmest kindest thing to ever happen to me, I can't wait to marry them and spend the rest of my life with them.

In the evening I had tea and went out with my mother and she bought me an eyeshadow pallette and a beauty blender, the foundation I wanted wasn't in stock and she got herself a kohl kajal

It rained a lot today, I felt really awful for bugging such a pricey eyeshadow pallette, I hope I can give something beautiful to my mom once I start earning

Then I had some makhana after coming home, fed my cat.

I played pogo and texted my love few times, then they asked if we could videocall in some time

I finished up my dinner: fried rice and really good fish curry, I had some sweets too

I put on makeup to look cute cute our videocall anf set up my sunset lamp

We videocalled and laughed a lot, we transfered pogo pokémons, I sent them a porygon and they sent me an unown "L", we talked about our day, infodumped about wars interest,sun fish, anime, a bit of pokémon

We took a quiz about which type of pokémon are you, I got Normal type and they got water type

We then took a quiz of which eeveelution are you and laughed a lot at the option types in the quiz : it was obvious that all the options were really the characteristics of the eeveelutions

I got Eevee and they got Sylvieon. We laughed a lot about it and they comforted me by saying Eevee is the cutest of them all.

We did our cute loving things together, it was very warm and fun.

They then told me they caught up to one piece Manga and are v excited as it's the final arc anf it's v nice to listen to them being so cute and passionate.

I infodumped a bit more even thigh I could see them being v eepy but I still went on.. Then I finally controlled my urge to talk and I just let them go to sleep after giving lots of kisses and us telling I love yous.

My heart is full with love and gratefulness from my beloved bb, I miss them so much. I can't wait to be back in their arms and listen to them breathe and feel them laugh and kiss them warmly again.

I miss them so much, it hurts.

I want to get a job and for that I need to love what I am learning and then I'll get better at it and make routines and figure something out

Wish me luck

#Spotify

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