I really wouldn’t mind dying right now.

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fidelito__o

Well, here’s to another sleepless night lol

For some reason no matter how hard I have tried this past year, I have NOT been able to get Fidel out of my head. Every night, the same shit.

Ever since I wrote him that letter, actually.

Fidel is something special. I was asked today “what did you like about him? Like what made you like him so much?” That really got me thinking. I couldn’t even give a straight answer. I liked everything about him. The way he carries himself, his persona, his look on life, his mentality, his heart, his dick lol, even his big ass nose with the little mole on it. There wasn’t just one thing that I liked about him. I liked him plain and simple. I knew I liked him before we started having sex. I can tell you the exact moment I knew I wanted to fuck him too. We were just chillen laying in my bed. I was faced the other way “sleeping” and he was on the opposite side knocked out. A million nasty things were going through my mind just knowing he was right there next to me... I was wet. I was wet for freakin Fidel. I texted my friend something like “omg I’m like really wet over Fidel rn. I’m just laying here and I couldn’t help myself” I know, I’m nasty lol. Sue me.

Mind you (mini back story), when I first met Fidel ummmm he was an asshole. The first time I really ever hung out with him, he walked into the room and legit stated something like “Hey you guys my name is Fidel and I’m an asshole” so I mean, he kinda lived up to it. (I will give him that this was in high school and homeboy was like 16. But still lol.) There are some things that Fidel doesn’t really know that I remember about him. Like there was this one time we were hanging out at our mutual friends house (this was like around our junior year or something like that) and he openly bragged about having a girlfriend AND fucking some tutor from another school. I know that in that same relationship, his gf cheated on him as well. His most recent ex-girlfriend and his relationship was uuhhh how you say, toxic. Point of this is, he’s an asshole & sometimes I really do question myself but... hear me out.

I didn’t know Fidel at the time. I had never really had a meaningful conversation with him so he didn’t really impact me. Until 2017. Fidel and I have the same group of friends. Fidel’s best friend is actually my best friend as well; and we are our best friend’s, best friends (if that makes sense lol). To make it a little simpler, Fidel and I have the same best friend. Somewhere towards fall of the year 2016, he and I began conversating a bit more that we usually did. We started talking about music, artist, life, perspectives, aliens, politics, sex, the future, marriage, weed, acid, drugs, brainwashing, name it, we talked about it. If we hadn’t talked about it yet, that’s a conversation that awaits. Somehow it always felt like we were just in sync. Just always on the same page. Even when we weren’t, there wasn’t even an issue, we’d just discuss what we wanted and came to a solution. Thought there was one thing that we did have an issue speaking on... our feelings.

Like I said earlier, I knew I liked Fidel before we even started having sex. We were hanging out in my dads backyard one night just talking about life and smoking some weed. We’re we’re just kinda on the topics of ourselves & talking about our personality and the way we are. He looked at me and said something along the lines of “you know Yulissa you’re really cool” and I replied “you’re pretty freakin cool too Fidel” and we just kinda smiled at each other and continued with our conversations. In that time I sat there and thought to myself “damn I really like this dude.” I know so romantic, right lol. I’m a simple girl though, if I’m feeling you, I’m feeling you. It doesn’t have to be complicated. But boy did it get complicated.

In the span of about 7 months after actually befriending him, Fidel ended up renting out a room at my grandmas place. Our best friend was moving out of his place and Fidel wasn’t able to move out with them and it just so happen that there was a vacant room. If he didn’t end up living with at my grandmas house, he would have to move to Arizona. None of us wanted him to move out there, including himself. So he moved in and boy did we really get to know each other.

Fidel and I were just friends. We talked about the girls he was flirting with, we would talk about the guys that would flirt with me. I would even give him advice here and there on things he should say to get girls lol. Then one day, I just kinda started looking at him differently. It mostly started when we started following each other here on Tumblr. I would repost some kinky shit and he would like it and vice versa. Now we both were kinda playing this little “game” I guess. Mind you we would hang out a lot even before he moved in and we followed each other long before he moved in, so this little “game” had been going on for a little while now. One day he came over to my house and mentioned a couple of my kinky posts from tumblr to which I replied “mmm no, we don’t talk about tumblr *lol*” from then on, we never really talked about it but we both knew what’s up.

I specifically remember this one post that I think is what really took us to the next level. It was a picture post of a couple text messages. The person replying said “I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I really want to fuck you” to which the other text replied “Ruin it.” Fidel liked that repost of mine. From then on, it was on.

When Fidel moved in, I spent a lot of time upstairs. We would smoke, watch Netflix or Hulu off my chrome cast and just hang out. I got in this bad habit of falling asleep in his bed and waking up at like 6:00am and dragging my ass downstairs back to my bed. A few hours later either I would wake up to a good morning text or he’d wake up to a good morning text, we would get ourselves situated, hit the gym, grab some food to eat, shower, and go to work. We had our little routine. It was really nice 💕.

One night, as I normally did, I fell asleep in his bed. He was laying next to me and outta no where he just started playing with my hair. It felt good. He got up, went to the restroom & came back. I was like half awake & he asked me if I wanted to lay normally like horizontally on the bed. I agreed, layed down and got comfy. When I tell you, I don’t know what came over me. I do not know what came over me lol but I was just laying there, thinking a million nasty things that I wanted to do. So my ballsy ass starts lightly touching him. Stroking my fingers along his ribs, stomach, hips, pelvis, until I reached his dick and lightly started feeling on it. Boy did I like what I felt. He chuckled and said “I knew you were trying to play with me” I giggled and replied “I’m not just trying to play with you” he paused and we talked for a minute. He asked me what I was thinking and kinda what my intentions were. I just told him that I didn’t want to think. I just kinda wanted to do. I don’t really think he liked my response too much, but I didn’t want to scare him off with my feelings. I was pretty insecure about myself and I didn’t want him to know how deep my feelings for him really ran. A part of me also didn’t want to get hurt in the case that he didn’t feel the same. So I put up an emotional wall lol. What I REALLY wanted to say was something like “Idk I just really like you and I want to see where this goes” or even “You’re something different and I just want to show you how much I like you.” But that didn’t happen. So we ended up laying there for a minute he asked if I would just want to cuddle, I agreed and we layed there for a minute. Then I started playing with my tongue ring a little bit. Sliding it across my teeth. He then says “Maybe you could just taste me?” I asked if he was sure... he was sure lol. I sat up, pulled off his shorts, his boxers and licked his dick all over. In the midst of his moaning, I looked at him and said “I want you to fuck me,” “oh yeah?” He asks, I nodded yes. He lays me down, back on the bed, feet in the air, knees to my ears. He slides his dick into my wet pussy. I had never felt so good in my life. I could feel him, all of him. Stroking back and forth. Fuck he felt so good. My toes were curling, my guys we’re rearranging, my heart was pounding, my body temperature was rising, I was cumming. He had to cover my mouth just so I wouldn’t wake up the house. I was a loud one.

We finished, we got up and got ourselves situated. Before we started up, we set a couple of rules. I set the whole,

No kissing

No touching

No cuddling rules

He set the whole,

No spending the night

No falling in love rules

We accepted and continued on.

We had a good arrangement, I can’t really explain what happened after that. We had A LOT of fun and a lot of sex. This went on for a few months. In this time span, he was still texting other girls, flirting with other girls and I was texting and flirting with other guys as well. We were still playing this weird tumblr game. I was also kinda trying to send him some subtle messages on my blog to hint that I had feelings for him. It was a weird and bit confusing time. One day I just kinda had enough. We would have pretty good sex but I wasn’t able to totally open myself up sexually with him because of the fact that I wasn’t really like “his girl.” There were things that I wanted to do to and for him but we had set rules and boundaries. Also, Fidel was on the fence about moving back home to Arizona, so even if he did reciprocate those feelings, that would be a whole other conversation about a long distance relationship that I know I can’t have with him. With anyone really. I need my man to be within driving distance when I need him. So I ended the sex.

After already leaving the house, I had come back because I had forgotten something in my room. I knocked on his door and walked up, I told him that I needed to talk to him real quick. I asked him if he had feelings for me, he looked at me nervously, scratched the back of his head and replied uhh, no” I say “okay cool, just wanna make sure.” He questions me & I say to him, “I think we should end this.” He seemed confused and asked “end what?” I said, “the sex” he looked at me nervously, hand scratching the back of his head and calmly says “oh, why didn’t you just say that?” I explained that I didn’t really know how to say it and I have never been in a situation like this before. I just wanted to acknowledge his feelings and just wanted everything to be cool. I asked if we were good, he said we were good & we went back to being friends for a little, sorta.

He started fucking around with other girls after, still texting and flirting with other chicks. I was wildin out too, messing around with other guys, going on dates and stuff. But somewhere within all that there was still something between us.

I ended the sex for a handful of reasons.

1. He wasn’t my man

2. He was moving to Arizona

3. We were playing games

4. We both didn’t want a relationship in the beginning

5. I wanted to make sure my feelings were real for him even without the sex.

I remember the day I fell in love with Fidel as if it were yesterday. My mom and I had plans to spend the day in Rosarito, MX. I was thinking about inviting Fidel with us but I didn’t know if my mom wanted it to be like a mommy/daughter day or whatever so I didn’t mention it. My mom actually mentioned inviting him and I agreed and asked if he was busy that day. Fortunately, he was available. We picked him up and went off for the day. We get to Mexico, run some errands, drink some drinks, eat some good food, and somehow we end up on some campground in between Rosarito & Popotla. They have a bar there so Fidel and I get a drink. We’re getting a little tour of the camp ground and we drive up to these private fancy cabins they have on the highest part of the campground. We’re walking through the room and the guide says something in Spanish like “yeah there are fun things to do up here” i thought to myself “yeah this be a dope place to fuck” and then Fidel says out loud to himself “this would be a dope place to fuck” I looked back at him shocked and said “ I was literally thinking the same exact thing rn omg” and we just looked at each other and started giggling. We started walking back to the car and I just kinda stared at him for a moment. The sun was hitting his face right. He was holding that beer bottle pretty sexy like and in that moment I just felt so much love for that man. I looked at him and smiled, he smiled back. The rest of the day was just awesome. We were all listening and singing to Latino music and just having a great time. My mom dropped us off at my pops place and we sobered up, smoked a bowl and we’re just hanging there for a minute. It was quiet but like a comfortable quiet. Then he just started playing this really old, like 50’s love song. (Mind you, music was our thing. That was a way that we both expressed our emotions. Music was our emotional outlet) In my peripheral vision I could see him looking at me. I was really nervous and didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. I starred downward and spun my phone back and forth. I will admit. In my mind, he just said that he loves me. A minute later he asks me if I am still down to hit the gym, I gladly say yes and we got to the gym.

About a week after that, we were in a weirder place. It’s like there was something that we needed to talk about but never did. I really wanted to talk about it tho. I couldn’t find the balls to do it. So I wrote him a letter.

Yes, there is physical proof out there of my love for Fidel *heavy sigh*

In the letter I explained to him pretty much everything that I explained in this post, give or take some stuff. I told him how much he truly meant to me, when I first realized I liked him, when I first realized I loved him, and how deep my love runs for him.

The letter was really more for me that it was for him. I had a history of bottling up my emotions, especially when it comes to guys that I am interested in or have feelings for. I tend to just keep them to myself and watch the guy I love be with another girl. I couldn’t do that this time though. I had to say something. So I folded up the letter put it in an envelope and left it on his chair in his room. To top it off, I have it to him on my 20th birthday. I know right. It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to lol. Which I did.

He opened it.

We distanced ourselves from each other.

He picked a date to move back to Arizona.

September 21st, 2017 was our best friends 21st birthday gold theme party. I’m a procrastinator so I didn’t pick out my outfit til the day of. And when I tell y’all I looked GOOD I looked freakin good lol. I tweaked the color a little and threw on some Rose Gold pulled up to the party looking fly as fuck. When I walked into the party, I was like the highlight of the night lol everyone was coming up to me so excited to see me and what not. I kinda felt like a little celebrity lol. I look over to the beer pong tables and there’s Fidel playing beer pong with some rando girl. Instantly killed my mood. I didn’t even say hi to him cause I was being petty lol. Go play with you little gf *shrugs*. I was heated tho lol.

Quick backstory, there’s this dude that worked at 24 Hour Fitness with my best friend. His name is Max and Max is fine. Okay he is fine. Max and I had a little vibe going on, for a little while too but we never really got too into it lol.

Okay, continuing now.

I’m saying hi to everyone and I say what’s up to this guy Max. We’ve flirted here and there before and I have mention in front of Fidel and friends that he is fine and that he can get it lol but I wasn’t really all that serious. I mean he could but I’m not that easy haha. Anyway, I didn’t say hi to Fidel so once I got seated and comfortable he actually came up and said hi to me. Gave me a little kiss on the cheek talked for a sec then I did my own thing. At some point I ended up with my girly friend at the little buffet table of snacks they had out and I was up there munchin on some chips when Max approaches me. We start up a light conversation. Talking about him and how he’s doing. When Fidel RUDELY walked right in between Max and I in the midst of our conversation. Max & I looked at each other like “okay...” and continued the conversation. Throughout the night, Max and I were eyeing each other and talking it up here and there. By the end of the night, I was standing off on my own for a second and he approaches me again. Slides his hand behind my lower back and asks me what I’m going to be up to after the party. I look up and Fidel is right off the the side of us. Just kinda staring. I look at Max, respond with “nothing much, I need another drink though” I walked off, went it to the garage to grab another drink and contemplated on what my next move was. I walked back out and just stuck with my friend for the rest of the night lol. The night was ending and I’m saying my good byes to everyone. I run into Fidel and make sure he’s good with a ride home and if he wanted any food or anything. He’s good.

October 2017.

We’re at our best friends, family’s Halloween party. I finally pull up to the party, everyone hyped to see me lol. We have an awesome night partying being drunk. Shit pops off, Andre is wildin. We calm the beast down and it’s time for me and Fidel to head home. My mom finally picks us up and we’re heading back to the house. We’re almost home when Fidel asks me if I have a spare key to his room. Apparently he had left his at our friends house. I let him know I didn’t have it and he says “it’s okay, I’m not going to be staying the night at home anyway.” My heart dropped. I got quiet. We got home. I went inside and then decided I wanted to smoke a little bowl, so I went back outside and Fidel followed. I packed us a couple bowls. We smoked and he says “I got your letter”

He told me that my letter was “cute” and that he loves me just “not in that way” and that he cares a lot about me. I put my emotional wall up and told him that it’s okay and that I won’t make him feel bad for it. Which I never feel like I did. I told him the letter was mostly for me to finally be able to express my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. He understood. I told him how much he truly meant to me. Even then, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to but I did the best I could in the emotional state I was in. For fucks sake I was drunk off my ass and high as a fuckin kite. I was a mess lmao. Anyway, the chick that he’s spending the night with pulls up to pick him up. He goes inside to grab his things, comes back out. As I’m going inside he stops me, gives me the absolute biggest hug and says to me “I love you” I hug him tighter. We smile at each other and continue on. The next day, he packed all his shit and moved to Arizona.

Fin.

Unknown for me.

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My First Love

Well, I thought it was love. Even to this day I believe that we could be something, but honestly that’s just my wildest dreams. His name is Christian. We were the absolute best of friends roughly since 6th grade. Christian was your typical cool kid guy, all the girls had a crush on him and all the girls wanted to date him. He was CHRISTIAN. Whatever that meant. Anyway, pretty much all of 6th grade we had every class together. Mrs. Bright’s class for math, Mrs. Ruckers class for history- now here is where we split, we both had Mrs. Padilla for English but Christian had her 5th period and I had her 4th, then we had Coach Keefe for P.E. and Mrs. McNeal for Science. We usually sat near each other most of the time but he had his friends and I had mine. Mind you I’m a chubby little girl who never would have imagined a guy like Christian would even be remotely into me, so the fact that we would talk and hang out as much as we did was a complete shock to me. I can’t exactly remember how we became friends but it come back to me. One thing I will never forget though is the last day of 6th grade. I was hanging out in Mrs. Bright’s class, I was sitting next to my middle school friend Brandon, and out of nowhere Christian just kisses me on the cheek. I was confused. I didn’t know what to think. Was it just a dare? I mean he did it kinda fast. So as the person that I am, I didn’t think much of it and I went on. He did write me the sweetest thing in my year book that year though. I won’t forget to [INSERT HERE]!!!

When me and Christian really became good friends had to be out 7th grade year. I remember he would come over every single day after school and we would just hang out all evening. Playing around with my Wii, making stupid videos online, doing dumb challenges like the “Salt & Ice Challenge” or the “Cinnamon Challenge” I really do not know who even allowed that to happen because those were actually dangerous and could really hurt someone. We would make random videos of us singing or dancing together. We would just hang out after school and just have the absolute most fun time. 

I remember this one day we were hanging out in the house and I was kinda getting ready for bed. I was brushing my teeth and he mentioned something in the tone of “this is how it would be if we were married” and I remember when he said that it made my heart start beating so fast but as a young dumb insecure kid, I didn’t think much of it and went on with the “joke.” 

Mind you, Christian was my biggest crush and my best friend. I didn’t want to lose him from my life though so I kept these feelings to myself and never made any kind of move towards him. For anyone asking “WHY NOT!?!?” Well, give the story some time, you’ll understand me a little better after. 

There was this one day where Christian, another friend Anastacio, and I were hanging out in my room. I decided to go to the kitchen to grab some pudding and as I’m coming back and open the bedroom door, they start attacking me with pillows. So out of reflex, I ended up throwing my spoon at Christians face and it hit him under the eye. Oh my, I felt so bad. I really didn’t think that the spoon was going to hit him in the eye, but it was not my fault. I was laughing hysterically while trying to apologize but Christian was so upset he started oicking up all his things and he walked outside, across the street and hung out on the corner for like a good hour or so. When he finally came back in, I fed him some food and we were all on good terms after. The next day when we went back to school he was going to say that he got into a fight but then he ended up just telling everyone that I threw a spoon at his face. Surprisingly, a lot of people came up to me saying that it was a good thing that I did that. Not that it felt like a good thing but I mean, to each their own. 

So fast forward to 8th grade. All of a sudden Christian got a little to cool for me. This was the “steezer” phase of the 2000′s and that really wasn’t my style. I called him out on it though and we continued on as friends. 

I have yet to mention that Christian is a bit of a womanizer. Like I said, he was Christian and Christian got the girls. I swear it was like every other month he had a new girlfriend and not like these girls were ugly either. He got thr really pretty girls. The girls that I always wished I looked like. Small, petite, cute face, you know, those girls. 

Let us skip ahead a bit now. We are entering high school. Me and Christian really went our separate ways there. I went to Helix and he actually went to our “rival” school Mount Miguel. I know right, how much more cliche can this story be. Anyway, we still somehow managed to hang out on consistently but it wasn’t the same. I would still help him with his homework as often as I could but apparently they teach things differently in every school. 

So there is this specific memory I had with Christian. It was the summer after freshman year, going into sophomore year. Christians mom was going to be going to Vegas for the weekend. Me and Christian BEGGED our moms to let us have a sleep over at my house. Luckily our moms were cool as fuck and actually let us have the sleep over. It was going to be the coolest weekend evverrr!! Unfortunately, Christian last minute bailed the first night he was going to sleep over to have his own sleep over with his cousin and his friend Alex but whatever. The next day, my mom and I pick up Christian from his house and we end up going to Rosarito for the day. All day me and Christian were just hanging out, eating good food and chillen. At one point my mom and her uncle have to go pay some property bill in some government office, so me and Christian just wait for them to come back in the car. I can’t exactly remember the build up to the conversation, but somehow we got to talking about sex. We are talking about things we would and wouldn’t do with the person that we would be with. Now, ladies and gentlemen, remember at this moment in time I was an insecure young chubby lady. Somehow, someway, Christian. THE CHRISTIAN, asked me, something along the lines of “well would you want to do it... with me? 

AND MY DUMB INSECURE TEENAGE ASS SAID, 

“Well it’s just cause I’m only 14 and I don’t really want to be able to say that I lost my virginity at 14 years old.”

I mean in hindsight I am actually very smart and logical, but looking back at it. Like if i were who I was today at 14 years old, I would definitely be doing the dirty with him, shit at least some first base stuff, but that’s not the case. Plus I genuinely was not ready for sex. I was a baby, I didn’t know what I would have gotten myself into. Sex is a big deal and especially at that age. I’m 20 years old right now and sex is still a big deal. 

Anyway, throughout the years Christian did give me signs that he was into me, but I am telling you. I am thee most oblivious person when it comes to flirting and all that shit. I honestly won’t know that you like me until either 1. You tell me or 2. It’s too late for me to realize that you likED me and now its too late for me to do anything about it because you have moved on. 

For example, I don’t remember if it was for my birthday or something like that, but he wrote me a letter. It basically said how much he loved me and how much I meant to him (as a friend) and how he wants me in his life forever. But there was this little part of the letter that was kind of like a poem and in that poem vertically and the way that he had had set up, it spelled out “I LOVE YOU” Know being the kind of person that I am, I didn’t think anything of it and moved on. I promise you you guys I really didn’t think anything of it. Oh but do I wish I did. I wish I could have realized what he was trying to tell me, because I promise you, we would have the love of a life time. I loved that boy with all my heart, you guys had no idea. 

I watched him date other girls and kiss other girls and love other girls because I thought that was what was making him happy. I thought that he wanted those girls and that he wanted them because it what made him smile. I watched him buy other females things that I would want him to buy me. I watched him kiss other girls the way I wanted him to kiss me. I watched him hold other girls the way I wanted him to hold me. Being his best friend was the absolute hardest thing for me. So this one night I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started writing him a message on Facebook about how much he meant to me and how I have feelings for him and that I am sorry if this messes up our friendship but I just couldn’t do it anymore. When I tell you guys that I was crying my eyes out while I was writing this message, I was CRYIN. MY. EYES. OUT. Then my mom just so happens to walk into my room. She sees that I’m crying and asks why, I tell her and she looks at me like she wants to cry. I just tell her how much I care for him and how much I love him but how I don’t want these feelings to get in the way. She advises me not to send the message because if what I send what I wrote, it could completely mess up or friendship and I would lose him. So I deleted it and kept those feelings to myself. To this day Christian still does not know how i truly feel for him. I will tell him one day though. 

I remember when Christian was my main Chambelan for my quincenera and that’s a pretty big deal. He was the main guy that I was dancing with on one of the biggest days in my teenage life and I am so glad it was him. I remember that day I was dressed up in my big ol’ blue dress and he was dressed up in his all white tuxedo, looking all types of nice. BUT he went and forgot to get his stupid hair cut, so he was walking around the party with his big ass head looking like Pauly D oh my *slaps forehead* but honestly that boy could shave his head bald and I would still think he is the finest man on the earth. Anyway, I remember we were sitting next to each other at the table of honor and he mentioned how it felt like it was our wedding day. In my heart I wish it would have been, because that would mean that I were to have had the privilege to marry my best friend that day.  

Now here is my least favorite part of the story. 

I think it was a little bit into our sophomore year of high school where he met this ugly ass girl. She had the biggest freakin nose, the droopiest eyes, the ugliest smile, and the worst personality I have ever encountered. I won’t mention her name because just the sound of it make me want to vomit. Anyway, for some reason, that I couldn’t tell Christian was just into her. Even though the boy cheated on her in front of me and personally admitted to me that he cheated on her with another female (a couple years into their relationship I might add), they have now been together for the past 4 years. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to hold him down for what is his longest relationship.

You may be thinking “omg, you’re a bitch, why are you talking mad shit on her” well my fellow readers, she’s a bitch. A couple of weeks into their situationship, she asked Christian “why are you friends with her ?” as if there was something wrong with me. As if I couldn’t fall more in love with this boy, he replied “well she has been my best friend for years and that isn’t going to change. She is a part of my life” or something along those lines. I tried, I really tried, I tried to get along with her but it was like she was immune to smiling or making a fucking friend. This was Christian’s 18th birthday, I believe, I offered to drive us around to look for a present for Christian. We went out to a couple of stores and I decided to buy Christian a WiFi router because the boy needed freakin WiFi at his house but I guess his girl didn’t have enough money or something like that to get him something that he would want. So being the person that I am, I paid for the difference for some speaker that she picked out. To top it off, she was still being a bitch to me after all that. Shit, I want my money back. 

So slowly but surely, me and Christian drifted apart. She was taking up his time more and more but there were times where I just wasn’t convinced that he really loved her. For example, this one day I hit up Christian asking him of he’d want to hang out and he was down. So I pick him up and we hang out, get some food or whatever we did, and he mentions that his girl is upset with him. As his bestie of course I ask him “why?” and he goes “well it’s our 1 year anniversary and I’m here.” 

I WAS SHOOK

I was genuinely pissed off for her. I would be so mad if my boyfriend of a year wasn’t with me to celebrate our one year anniversary. ESPECIALLY, when it’s the first time he has ever gotten this far with anyone. I told him to go to his girlfriend and he declined claiming he wants to hang out with me. As his friend I didn’t let that slide. I made sure he knew shit like that is important. He hasn’t missed an anniversary since. 

 Slowly but surely, our friendship deteriorated. He got busy with school and his girlfriend, I got busy with school and my friends. We just kind of drifted. Seeing each other went from a daily thing, to weekly, to monthly. Now I am even lucky if he answers my phone calls. We still talk here and there. He is still with that awful woman. You know, one time he told me that she chased him around her house with a knife. I don’t exactly remember for what, but she did. Crazy bitch. He didn’t deserve that. I mean I’m no angel either, I chucked a spoon at him, but it wasn’t a damn knife. 

Honestly though, he doesn’t really deserve me. You know, he would flirt with girls right in front of me. He would talk about cheating on his girlfriends to me. All that ever made me think was “what makes me think that I am so special that he wouldn’t do that to me?” I mean wasn’t the prettiest girl in school. Shit I wasn’t even on the pretty girl radar. I was really more of the “who wouldn’t you fuck” part of the conversation. But anyway, even though we had this “connection” nothing ever made me think that I was someone worth not being cheated on. Maybe he tried to make me feel that way but if he was trying to, he did a really shitty job. 

Really looking back at it though, I feel like I actually did stand a chance. I actually think that I made Christian feel something that none of these other girls made him feel. Non-sexually at that. If I were to have known what I know now, things would have went a totally different direction. 

I am going to tell you guys a secret though, I still feel like our story isn’t over. Something in the back of my mind still feels like something can happen between Christian and I. Whether it be sex, love, a kiss, whatever. I feel like our story isn’t quite over yet. 

Just Some Thoughts

I find it pretty interesting how we claim to “move on” or “let go of the past,” even “don’t let your past define you” yet the past is exactly what makes you the person you are and will be. Your past is full of mistakes, experiences, and stories that make up who you are in this very moment. Your past has built you into the character that you are today. In this moment, this very moment that these words are crossing through your mind, they are the past as well. I hear people tend to say “don’t look back,” yet looking back is exactly what helps you move forward. It reminds you of the person you were, the person you would rather not be. The past reminds you that you have changed and grown and you are no longer that same person anymore. You are better. You have bettered. You deserve better. Though looking into the past can be hurtful. It can bring back memories, feelings, even experiences that you no longer want to remember. In my opinion, more of the reason to look back. The past can teach you what you don’t want from future situations. The past can show you old patterns or habits that you have, it can show you the same about the people are around you. The past is extremely powerful, not everyone forgets and not everyone remembers. One wise thing that I have heard from people is “don’t get stuck in the past,” now that one, I can agree with. Never let yourself get stuck back there. Regardless of how great it can be or how wonderful it WAS, it’s the past for a reason. You have grown from the person that you once were and going back to that can be unhealthy- for your  own sake. This entire blog of mine is pretty much based on the past. This blog is going to be filled with my old and my new. The stories that matter to me, even if they are small and meaningless to anyone else. These are going to be the parts in my life that actually made me feel something, because I know it is pretty damn difficult for something to make me actually feel something. Anyway, this blog is also for future me. I know, I know you’re like “you keep talking about the past and now you're saying this is for the future... what??...” yes, but it’s about the past, but for the future- which is pretty much what I’m going with here. These are my stories, this is my life, the way I lived it. I want to be able to look back at this blog one day, really appreciate my story, my life and the things that meant something to me at the time and GROW from my past experiences (well in that case, my future past experiences- if you catch my drift). I want to make sure that my experiences will always be real, because as time goes by we forget what really happens. 

Sometimes I think to myself, “your life is like a freakin movie sometimes dude” cause on some real shit (excuse my language) it really feels like that. Like sometimes the shit I go through feels to me like a movie, something that’s just unreal- something that is just not really happening. It can be a good or bad thing, but I never really know until I talk about it. Until I look back and realize my wrongs and make sure I don’t wrong like that again or look back and realize the good choices I made for myself. It’s a 50/50 chance but you never know until you do it. 

Now I don’t know about you but as a reader, I would be just a bit curious as to why I named the blog “Where Are My Glasses?” Well, it’s the story of my life, simple as that. See, I have some sleeping issues, I have to sleep with the TV on, volume on low, set with a timer for about an hour. I lay down watch TV for a while, play on my phone and somehow I end up falling asleep. Then I tend to wake up sometime later and place my glasses somewhere unconsciously and when I wake up in the morning, I have absolutely no clue where my glasses are. So, as a person who tends to talk aloud, I frustratingly search my room blind and say , “where are my glasses????”  This is almost a daily thing. So I figured it be a fun title. I hope you enjoy reading and if you don’t go ahead and stop, because i don’t really care idk who you are anyway :) 

Feisty, I know right ;)