#need to talk with my psychiatrist about it i know. for now tho. i guess ill do my best to.... do other stuff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kpchrs · 4 months

Note

What do you think Caroline thinks of Nathan?

Ah, it's Anon again.

Tsk tsk tsk.

What, you mean Caroline Prescott: Sean Prescott's wife, Nathan's and Kristine's mum, the lady who only got mentioned thrice by OTHER PEOPLE in emails and a letter, the lady whose face and hair colour we don't even know?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

Okay, that's all, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk,

Kris

...Hehe, just joking. I'll work on what we have on canon. I have to over-overanalyse things tho.

So as I have said, what we know about Caroline is only mentioned in emails and a letter: Kristine's, Sean's, and Dr Jacobi's.

Kristine's email to Nathan:

"And yes, mother told me that you've been in trouble and father has been on your ass..."

It sounds like Kristine contacts Caroline regularly. Seeing that there is no complaint about Caroline in the rest of the email, I think she still has at least a decent relationship with Caroline. That means, she still has interests in her kids. Thank goodness. Since the rest of the email is about Sean and has no complaint about Caroline, I'm guessing it's Sean who is the "only" problem here.

We don't see the severity of Sean's abuse, but if that can make Kristine, a seemingly great older sister, run away; knowingly leaving an obviously beloved little brother alone in this kind of environment, I think we can imagine it.

Sean's email to Nathan:

"Nate, I know this has been a stressful week and your mother and I are here to talk if need be. Just make an appointment anytime. Your mother wants Doctor Bill to come out after his book tour but for now let's stick to your prescriptions."

I know he's a businessman, but an appointment? To your own kid? Okay, asshole. Does Caroline need to be booked in the appointment too? Is she also in the business? It sounds like Caroline is involved with Nathan's treatment at least. I don't really know what subtext to make out from the first part of the last sentence, if any. But, I guess, she at least can give opinions to Sean, normally. Maybe.

Dr Jacobi's letter to Sean:

"You have ignored my requests for a consultation with you and your wife so I have to assume you are no longer interested in my services. Regardless, I care about Nathan and I believe he needs serious help."

Dr Jacobi only talks to Sean here. He's like the top authority in the family, I get it, but it's like Sean is the only parent available. The doc seems very desperate because he believes it's dangerous to not help Nathan as soon as possible. If it were me, I would try to contact Caroline directly as well. Does he try? Is he able to? Does Caroline listen?

Dr Jacobi is Nathan's previous psychiatrist who "fires" him because of the lack of family cooperation. The doc wants to work on it seriously, he sees problems in Sean's parenting that are largely Nathan's stressor.

Since the doc is denied repetitively and so decided to terminate Nathan's therapy, I assume Sean searches for another psychiatrist who is not that "fussy" with Nathan's treatment. So maybe...this Dr Bill...is not a good psychiatrist. I mean, if he is really based on Dr Phil, that just confirms that he's a bad, unethical one.

Has Caroline ever taken THE INITIATIVE to TALK to Nathan directly? I don't know. Canon gives us nothing. And see this: in Kristine's email, it really sounds like lecturing Nathan was a regular thing she did when she was still at home. An older sibling lecturing a younger sibling is not rare. I did that too to my lil bro, my big bro did that too to us sometimes. But something tells me that the one who tells him to stand up to Sean is only Kristine, never Caroline. Just an intuition.

This is like searching for cookie crumbs on the floor but see this about Victoria talking about Nathan:

"Yes, he takes serious meds but that's not his fault. His family treats him like a total freak, just because he has little meltdowns."

Throughout the game, they establish that Sean is the menacing, terrifying, asshole figure. But Victoria interestingly generalises with "family" which means it can include Kristine too (but I refuse to believe so hehe), but most importantly it can also include Caroline as well. Using Victoria's words, Caroline might treat him like a "freak" because of his mental illness.

Btw, this is very obvious because duh, but what we know about Caroline is filtered from another person's point of view. Delving into her possible mind is hard. Kristine might hear a passive and neutral, "Nathan isn't doing what's expected of him and Sean isn't happy" from Caroline and Kristine with her already anti-Sean mind paraphrased it very strongly and made it sound like Caroline is more opinionated. I think various kinds of characterisation are possible here. But, in general, I can think of two?

The cold mum. Distant. Or at least not openly affectionate.

The "Team Sean Prescott" mum. "Your dad is right, Nathan", "your dad says that for your own good, Nathan", "you need to do as he said, Nathan", "it's just the way he is", "he did that not to hurt you, Nathan", etc.

Okay, she can be both.

Whatever characterisation in the list she has, if she lets Sean be his abusive self and does no intervention, that sounds like a bystander parent to me. Maybe she is a Sean-minded person and that's why she lets it be. Maybe she lets Sean be in charge of Nathan's education because "let me, Caroline, Nathan must learn about the Prescott legacy from me", so she is just a yes woman. Maybe she knows Sean's treatment is wrong, but she's afraid to oppose him for a reason. Dunno. Anything is possible.

Bystander parents confuse the kid, btw. It complicates their feelings on the trauma and the parent, because "I'm angry at my abusive dad but I'm also angry at my mum for never protecting me. But she never treats me like Dad did, am I allowed to get hurt because of her inaction?" The bystander effect hurts the abuse victim too, but I digress since we are on the topic of Caroline's thoughts on Nathan, not his thoughts on her.

TLDR; I think Caroline cares about Nathan and his well-being to some degree, despite the possibility of thinking that his mental illness is a burden on the family. There's no canon information of her communicating with him directly, because, well, canon gives us nothing. From the zero complaints Kristine has of her, she might not treat Nathan like Sean does, but she might enable Sean's treatment of him thus making her a bystander parent.

Well, in the end, this is just a theory, a game theory. Nathan never talks about his mum, so I really don't know what she's like. He is especially hung up on his dad, pushing him to search for validation from a father figure in the form of Jefferson.

Caroline is a blank slate. Any interpretation or effort to fill in the blanks fanfic authors do for her (dead, not biological mum, assumingly in a mental hospital, emotionally unavailable, neglectful, physically and verbally abusive, abused turned abuser, mentally ill, having Nathan as a mirror of herself thus can't face him at all, etc.), the possibility is endless, and I enjoy all I have read.

Okay, that's all from a Nathan-biased person.

Thank you for the ask,

Kris

#caroline prescott #nathan prescott #sean prescott #kristine prescott #kris got asks #life is strange

14 notes · View notes

blackllghtburns · 10 months

Text

I hate how rapidly and intensely my mood shifts like

I can literally go from 0 to 100 and then back to 0 within an hour or two. And it’s exhausting. It sucks too because like -- I get it from other people’s perspectives too. I get why I’m hard to be around sometimes and am even harder to live with. But also like, I don’t want to be like. None of this is fun. Like literally if I could exchange my brain or do something to make it NOT my worst enemy? I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d give anything to not feel like this.

Realistically I know I need to see a psychiatrist because it’s Very Clearly just. Something that’s wired wrong in my brain. but like. Literally the One time I went to a psych for this exact issue (YEARS AGO) she just was like. Yeah you probably have a personality disorder. But then prescribed me a medication that fucked me up so bad I just never went back. But things have also gotten so much worse since then, along with other new symptoms that genuinely scare the Fuck out of me and like. Idk. This very much is Not how brains are supposed to work.

It scares me too, because all of this is so hard for me to be talk about. And yeah I joke about being crazy but also, Clinically Diagnosed Crazy feels so much worse. Then there’s the underlying fear that if I told a psych or whoever exactly what I feel 24/7 I’d just get committed. Which may be unrealistic but like, that thought terrifies me. And idk how to explain it but also the thought of having a label for everything feels like I’ll somehow be Outed as “insane” which is also unrealistic. Plus the fact that literally anyone who spends a prolonged period of time with me already knows these shifts in mood and other shit aren’t normal. Idk. There’s just so much fear there. To the point where fear is honestly the only consistent emotion I ever feel.

This is genuinely the biggest interference to my quality of life and it sucks. Like, I have so many reasons I should be happy but I’m Not. And along with that comes the guilt of knowing there are literally so many people that have it worse, and yet I’m wasting my life being miserable. And I beat myself up constantly like ‘you’re literally the only person stopping you from being happy’ but also it’s just. Literally how my brain works. And saying ‘I can’t help it’ feels like one gigantic cop out but I also literally did not choose this. And sometimes these lows get so bad that I feel like a genuine danger to myself and that’s also not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Idk man. I don’t want to be a drugged up zombie but I also don’t want to feel like This anymore. And sometimes I feel like maybe feeling nothing would be better than feeling literally every single emotion possible within the span of a few hours. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m fighting a losing battle with my own head. So maybe it’s something to look in to when my new insurance kicks in. Idk. For now tho I will just keep trucking along I guess

#ignore me #it's like 8:30 and I feel very much like I could spend all day in bed #which is probably a sign that I need to get out and do something #at least be somewhere other than this house

4 notes · View notes

sentimental-apathy · 1 year

Text

I need a new psychiatrist. I’m so frustrated. I’ve basically been without medication for my bipolar depression and insomnia for almost 3 months now. Olanzapine was making me gain weight and tbh it had kinda stopped helping me sleep so I was at a loss. So he prescribed me topamax and ziprazidone. Topamax is supposed to help suppress my appetite and the ziprazidone was supposed to treat my bipolar depression. But my main issue is insomnia. I keep getting treated like I have schizophrenia when the only times I’ve experienced symptoms of that is when I go into psychosis due to severe insomnia. I don’t have schizoaffective or schizophrenia. I have severe insomnia and depression and occasional/rare manic episodes that worsen the insomnia. However, it’s been over 2 years since I experienced a “manic” episode and I believe it was partly induced by using too much thc. So anyway. The ziprazidone did not help me sleep whatsoever so I stopped taking it and talked to my psychiatrist again. He prescribed me a medication called Lybalvi which is olanzapine and samidorphan combined to help you sleep, treat bipolar, and also reduce weight gain. Problem was Medicaid wouldn’t cover it. My psychiatrist never called me to explain what was going on or to try and put me on something else, I just ended up waiting over a month trying to get hold of them to see what was happening and if I’d get the medication or not and eventually I was just like ok fuck this and made a new appointment because I wasn’t getting anywhere and I still was struggling to sleep well. So at my last appointment a couple weeks ago he was really discouraging me because he was acting like he didn’t know what else to do and like he couldn’t think of any more meds to try for me and suggested abilify when I’d already tried abilify twice and it doesn’t help me sleep so what’s the point? I asked if he could prescribe me Caplyta because I’d done research on bipolar depression medications that help you sleep and it was suggested. He said he’d never prescribed that before so he didn’t want to prescribe it to me and instead recommended I try Vraylar. I was disappointed but said ok. Later that day I’m notified by text that my prescription isn’t ready because they’re having insurance issues. Again. So at this point I was fuming. Anyway it’s like a week and a half later and it finally got approved by Medicaid so I picked it up yesterday and took it last night with my other meds and guess what. I couldn’t sleep. In fact, even tho I was really tired, I felt utterly restless for some reason and my thoughts kept going to weird places, kinda like I was dreaming but fully awake and tossing and turning, unable to stay still. So I looked it up. Apparently vraylar can cause restlessness and insomnia. Like. Wtf. This psychiatrist is so inept at this point it’s ridiculous. I’m telling him over and over during every appointment, my mood is fine but I can’t sleep, not sleeping, trouble sleeping, my sleep schedule is all over the place, please help me with my insomnia and instead of treating that or listening to me he keeps prescribing me schizophrenia meds that I don’t fucking need, that don’t help me sleep. I’m so frustrated and mad right now. It’s ridiculous. I’m gonna have to find a new psychiatrist. Not looking forward to it. Meanwhile I’ve been trying to find a job, applying to some different positions but haven’t heard anything back. I’m so anxious and nervous that I’m gonna get a call and then start working but still be struggling to sleep and then I’ll have to work while getting no sleep and that usually leads to me having a breakdown so I’m just really anxious in general about everything. I’m really struggling mentally right now. I’m super depressed but my insomnia is the worst. I don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated.

#my post #my life #depression #bipolar depression #bipolar 1 #psychiatrist #insomnia #mental illness #mental health #personal

5 notes · View notes

cl0udpup · 2 years

Text

Big sigh

*Still figuring out moving over from Twitter to Tumblr, but for now, I'm just gonna flush out my threads here and see how that goes...*

Anxiety dreams

I had disturbing, surreal, End Of The World, running from cops, moving through portals, being broke and homeless, anxiety dreams all morning. Woke up with my neck stiff and swollen for the second day in a row, exhausted. I took a rapid last night, came out negative, but it's hard to trust testing now with new variants. I have allergy shots in an hour, and I really don’t wanna go, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I miss it. Last time I missed a week, I suffered with extreme hives and asthma symptoms.

...

I did it

I went to the shot. Still feeling like shit. Still testing negative for c19.

I’ve been staying up late the past few nights, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Winter is really tough on my body (and mind.) The dry air makes my skin swell up, and I get all tense and hot. I couldn't manage to wear a coat outside, even though it's 30 degrees out, because it makes it so much worse once I go inside. They keep the hospital sooo warm.

I need to get a humidifier running in my office, but this room is like 80 sq ft, so I'm concerned about where it will go, it getting knocked over, or the water getting on my computer. I have cords allll over the floor bc I have no idea how to do cord management. But yeah, my sinuses are so incredibly dry and swollen, which is causing this headache I'm sure, and probably the stiff neck.

Adderall

Enough complaining... In more interesting news, today is my first day on Adderall, 10 mg XR. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel anything. I was feeling shitty *before* taking it, so all those symptoms above are unrelated. Although, if this causes any similar symptoms, not sure if I'll be able to tell it apart.

I guess one thing I noticed this morning; it was less excruciating waiting the 30 minutes required to stay at the hospital after my allergy shot. Usually I set a timer, check it exasperatingly every few minutes, pacing and sighing, literally feel like I'm being tortured waiting lol. It usually feels like an hour even tho it’s only half. I have no idea if the med could be helping with that restlessness so soon, but. Worth noting I suppose.

Trauma effects everything

I met with the new psychiatrist who prescribed it on Monday. She asked all the typical intake type questions, and went over my initial survey from the ADHD assessment. Again, the ADHD assessment really was not specific to ADHD, other than the awful computer button clicking bullshit test thing they made me do.

We only talked for around 45 minutes, but she gave me her opinion that she thinks I don't have bipolar. She thinks my hypomanic symptoms and mood swings/cycling were caused by trauma. Who’s to say, really. Trauma effects everything.

I have found I don’t always fit the mold for clinical diagnoses for conditions my symptoms point to. I especially don't fit them forever. Resilience has to be taken into account; learning skills, figuring out accommodations, medication, change of life circumstance.

However, I have, and do (based on past episodes) meet the criteria for bipolar 2, whether the assessment is nuanced enough to give a "correct" answer. Of course, diagnoses are more or less a matter of opinion.

I was also diagnosed with "unspecific mood disorder" & put on mood stabilizers (bipolar meds) as a young teen.

Some of my earliest memories are of being totally overwhelmed emotionally. I remember having what I now know of as anxiety in elementary school. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12.

So what is it?

That's the question I've been searching for the answer for my entire life. Wtf is wrong with me, lol. I know trauma, neurodivergence, and the way those two play off each other must be at the root of everything.

Ultimately, all these sprinkles of symptoms make up an actual person, my actual life experiences, my struggles, my disabilities. I don't think it's simple enough to just slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.

I know SSNI medication has helped me immensely in taking all the chaotic energy inside myself, and dampening down my viciously strong emotions. Before meds, I felt totally out of control. I felt I had no control over the insanity. My mood swings and sensory overwhelm thrashed me around like I was on a broken rollercoaster, ready to fly off the tracks at any moment.

BPD

Before starting trauma work, I fit the diagnosis for borderline. Leaving an abusive relationship, learning about attachment disorders, and understanding more about being neurodivergent helped me grow into a person who could have healthy relationships, and stop hurting myself.

Graduating from a DBT program when I was 18 helped as well, but looking back, the most helpful part was being part of a community. Sharing 8 hours a week with other traumatized teens, forming bonds, being vulnerable and supporting each other. That's what helped.

We never even talked about trauma as a force of destruction. We mostly learned how to channel our thoughts and behaviors into something less visibly disruptive and damaging.

We weren't validated and told "something awful happened to you, and it wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault that it made you hate yourself so much you want to destroy yourself and everything around you." I think we really needed that. I know I still need to hear that.

Chaos

I'm 30 now, and I still am no where near having all the answers. Finding the ADHD piece of the puzzle definitely puts a lot into perspective, but I don't know if it can account for everything. I do have hopes for medicating it.

My 20's were so chaotic. I had no idea if I would survive to where I am now. That being said, I made a lot of decisions that helped me survive when I needed to, things I said I'd deal with the consequences of later, and, later has finally caught up to me.

I used spending as a coping mechanism. I channeled a lot of my chaotic energy into work over the past decade. Before my body started shutting down on me, I worked alll the time, and made decent money. I bought into the whole credit score thing, got a bunch of credit cards, and maxed them all out. Yes, having a credit history helped me get things I needed, but mental illness put me in this mindset of "I'm probably gonna die soon, so I should just get what will make me happy right now."

Knowing now that I have ADHD, so much of this makes sense. I struggle with things like feeding myself, cleaning, staying on track, completing tasks, all the executive function bullshit. So, I've driven myself into debt buying things I thought could help me "get my life together."

Can't get myself to eat enough to not trigger a mood episode? I'll just order take out or go to the cafe every day. Can't keep the house from being a total mess? I'll buy every cleaning and organizing tool imaginable that might help inspire me to bring necessary order to my surroundings. Same thing for exercising, self care, literally just existing, I always thought if I could "just" find the right solution, all my problems would disappear and I could catch up to my peers who perpetually left me in the dust.

Don't even get me started on the spending sprees I've gone on in response to depression and suicidality. Feel like dying because understimulated? Let's book a trip for me and a companion where I'll pay for everything because I want to be loved. Feel like dying because overstimulation? Let's buy things to self soothe. It's a mess.

And so, life goes on

Now, this year, when I have my head on straight, and am no longer crushed and suffocated by abuse, or distracted by partying, my health took a nose dive. I have hardly been able to work at all this year. I've always been concerned with my ill health, but now more than ever I've been forced to focus on it solely. I'm committed. The only place I go these days is to appointments; three a week: therapy, allergy injections, and acupuncture.

I so desperately want to get my life together, once and for all. I truly hope I'm on the right track. All I can do is trust this is what I'm supposed to do.

#actually disabled #disability #depression #anxiety #adhd #actually adhd #neurodivergent #actually neurodivergent #bipolar #bpd #mentally ill #mental illness #follow me im new here #thanks for reading

3 notes · View notes

forestryfae · 4 months

Text

anyways i really need someone to diagnose me cus this is ridicilous. im 25 and all i know is i have mood swings randomly and can be set off by the tiniest shit, i am constantly scared of relationships and literally cant trust people no matter how well i know them and i have long periods of just giving up cus nothing is worth it or fun and then when something IS enough or fun i literally cant get enough of it and WILL go i NEED more. and i obbsessively pick shit and decide that This Is Safe And Perfect and somehow i NEED it in my life or nothing will ever be okay and i might as well set my life on pause until i can achieve Perfection

but yeah. the inpatient im at is so work focused, despite being a PSYCHIATRIC institution, that they value work over therapy. i need therapy. i need therapists. i need something where we are BOTH working on my social and life skills and my mental health at the same time. like those three NEED to be in sync. i cant ONLY go to work for 5 hours a day then come home exhausted and have noone talk to me except for like. to ask about art group and to tell me i need to clean my room. and then at the same time have them not do any other follow ups, not help me with medication at all, not checking in on me, not doing therapy, not taking me to appointments theyve been informed of well ahead of time, not have regular treatment-related talks with me, not even inform me about treatments, and constantly tell me its all my responsibility to fix and figure out even though its. their job. i came here to learn how to be an independent adult and instead i wind fucking. being told "figure it out yourself" and "do this" with the expectation that i should just know automatically as if i was born with the knowledge of the whole world.

like. can i maybe get some fucking therapy? i NEED a psychologist. i NEED medication, maybe. i dont know. what i dont need is to be forced to work for a year with no follow up at all and noone doing their job to make sure my treatment is like. actually working. i shouldnt have to remind them that they need to do meetings with me and that we have stuff we need to work on, i shouldnt have to deal with asking people to remember me and notice me and having to feel like im nagging or not worth the effort.

so yeah. after almost a year of being here i have finally gotten a meeting with the ONE doctor we have here who can prescribe medication so we gotta figure that shit out i guess. hes very anti meds tho according to the other patients here, and frankly i can see it seeing as his first action was to just. tell me to go sit in the livingroom and talk to people cus its good for me. nothing else like buddy. i needed. help. and you wanna focus on me talking to people daily no matter how much anxiety i have?? thats. not treatment. wheres the cbt stuff. the fucking mental excercises. the regular talks. but yeah hes been on paternity leave since like a month or three after i got here and now hes only gonna come here every. 2 months i think it was. i get to talk to a doctor who may or may not be a psychiatrist about medication i may or may not get, who has had ZERO involvement in my treatment here, and who still hasnt sent me to a ears nose throat specialist even tho i requested it months ago. instead ive been prescribed medication with no actual examination at all.

but yeah i can either stay here or go home and i dont wanna go home so. might as well. stay here for a while. and hope that i can get the shit house sold so i can find an apartment and maybe like have a life eventually.

#talkies #anyways todays mental breakdown is brought to you by me misinterpreting a single line of dialogue and feeling like a fucking idiot ever sin #like it literally should not matter to me. but i dont want people to think im a dumb stupid fucking illiterate and socially stunted idiot #and it constantly feels like i dont know how to do anything else cus im not perfect and i never recieve feedback on my. existence.#except for when i fuck shit up. as if noone else ever does. like. there are bigger assholes and idiots out there than me #except for this one guy whos also inpatient here and hes like. he keeps telling me i am actually normal and nice. i get a lot of that feedb #back here and its. rly good to know im not some monumental fuckup who will never be perfect no matter how hard i try.#and like i dont have to be perfect either i can just be. and i can try harder to be better and thats enough #but yeah atleast my fucking. brain is kinda working again. maybe itll be okay

0 notes

volinare · 9 months

Text

okay im ready to talk about my day now. (which started eight hours ago at 1:30.)

work over all was good, I got moved out of the training area. I was in charge if loading three vans (at the same time) and uhhhhhh. I sucked. But i've sucked at my job this whole time so its okay <3

I didn't really get to sit down, maybe once for a few seconds. I'm just still really bad at time management and I care way to much about making sure the van is organized.

anyways so i had to leave early because I THOUGHT i had a psych appointment. on my way put one of the drivers asked me if i loaded his van and I was like 'no, sorry. or congratulations?' and he laughed and said i did a good job yesterday. he did not see how backed up I got and like three people had to help me. But thats okay.

so i get in the car and reba starts blasting and i have to turn it down to call my psych and i call the number they left the last voice mail from (this voice mail was to tell me if i missed another appointment i would be banned from using their office) but it wasn't the same number as usual?? not actually that important but weird... like what department was I talking to?

So im like "hi what ever bitch alter answered the phone and made the appointment the other day didn't write it down so i need to know what time to come in"

I didn't say that it was more bland and i didn't mention alters because they don't know that yet haha. anyways.

so the front desk person is like "your appointment doesn't exist."

and i was like "that's funny because i need to see a psychiatrist like. Asap." but i didn't say that she just was like lemme transfer you to him (the nurse im gonna see) and then hung up. there was a lot inbetween those things mostly like her talking and me like 'mhmm. yes. i understand. no appointment.'

so i call the actual number this time (im driving during this by the way dont be me) and the front desk person there says my appointment was a week ago and I missed it.

I genuinely had to be like, wait. Did i lose time or something?? but i was so brave and stuck to my guns and was like 'I made an appointment a few days ago tho' and she was like 'oh yeah i see that now thats actually September 15th.' and i was like 'oh that's cool. see u then i guess' <- is out of mood stabilizers and you guys won't refill them with out another appointment even though its fucking lamictal like what am i gonna do? sell it? "yeah you gotta wait a month for them to kick in but once they do... oh boy you'll feel a normal range of human emotions. thats for sure"

So. essentially the next month should be SO fun lets hope I start manic till then because i have school and if my bi-polar makes me fail again im going to sue someone <3

#this is pretty much how i tell stories irl #as you can tell it's confusing and people rarely ever understand what im talking about #<3 #:3 #XP #XD

1 note · View note

delunellenoir · 1 year

Text

How's life, Amaya?

Holla, it's been a while since you went away. How's life up there ? Hope you are happy there. Since you've been gone, life change so fast. Lemme tell you a bit, hun.

Before that, lemme say that life has struck me hard. 2022 was the hardest yet the foolish years for me. I've got my lesson at this year. Lemme tell you about my misery first .....

On 2022, I've had trapped with someone that has a NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) and he caused me get a huge problem on my work. And that problem are still haunted me until now. How about him ? Yup, he run away, he was transferred to another area, leaving big problems unresolved. And my bonus was also scorched by him. And because all of his love bombing and those toxic cycle, it left a very lasting effect and trauma on me. Well, сука блять :)

Also on 2nd quarter of 2023, I finally realized that all my exes are scumbag. Really, sometimes when I immersed in daydreams, I wonder why I force my feeling to those who have never seen me at all, not even a inch. And guess what ? They've already married now with their "crush" this year. And my mom already told me about them looong long time ago. And ... yeah, regret always comes last, right?

I used to ask them when we were together. I asked them, "Hun, if we are no longer together, or If your girlfriend are not me, do you have an imagination who will you take on date?". Surprisingly (but now I'm not surprised anymore), they can answer it fluently like "To be honest, I have a crush on *her name*. But don't take it too serious hun. I have you tho." And I even got an answer from one of my ex when we are got a fight after I threw that question and he answer it confidently. "I talked to her about our problem, and she was soo wise than you. I am getting confused because our problem seems only met a dead end. She comforts me." . Dang, such a jerk. My reaction at that time ? "Well, just married her already. You both fit each other". And it happened *lol. Yup, I am that pathetic.

But, there will always be good things after miseries , right? I also will tell you, mon amour.

I met many wonderful person with a low-profile and cool person. Like last time I met Asian Paint's Country Head for Indonesia, Mrs. AK. My impression about her ? She's energic, full of confidence, smart yet very humble. And one of my regret after met her is, why was I able to talk to her only at the last minute. I doubt too much about grammar. And from this time, I think I will re-learn and improve my English again, since the last time I spoke English was when I was in semester 2 on college (at that time my GPA on English were 3,96. Can you believe that ? ).

Alhamdulillah, God replaced all my difficulties and sadness with ease in terms of work. It's okay that my love story is depressing, but in terms of career and finance, God gave me an extraordinary gift. God makes it easy for all my work and desires, even trivial wishes.

Maybe you wonder, am I took action with all my sadness and frustration ?

Yep, I was.

I used to frequently use and abuse over-dose drugs, and you know what? Now I'm afraid to self-medicate, even when I catch a cold. Because the side effect that I got make me powerless.

So, one day I tried a hypnotherapy. Hope to release my catharsis.

And you know what ?

it makes me feel even worse than before.

Damn.

So in the end, I decided to release all of my feeling, try to accept everything that happened and let it go.

I think it's the best medicine --- in my opinion --- when compared with spend millions of rupiah to go to a psychiatrist and therapist. Right ?

I think that's all my updates about life.

Honestly, I really really miss you. Looks like I still can't follow you there, huh? God knows "they" still need me, I guess.

Wait for me a little longer, okay?

"Tu me manques, mon amour."

gros bisous,

delunellenoir ♥

0 notes

zukotheartist · 1 year

Text

Hiii :) i need a bit of help

(Ik i said i wouldnt do rant posts here but this one is also advice seeking? So we'll let it slide this time)

It's about uni and mental health and jobs, etc and just overall oversharing lmao. Feel free to skip ofc lol but if anyone has some advice/opinions to share, im all ears.

Basically, i just really don't know what to do with my life💀. I even took a gap year in between hs and uni to decide and ig it still didnt work😭.

I'm in uni studying languages (mandarin, portuguese and japanese) and the language part is going well so far, I guess? (And I do like it!). I even like a few of the other subjects (some of them i only have them for 1 semester so theyre not major subjects) but i really just cant handle it???

I wasn't happy with my choice in the sense that I think my job prospects after uni won't be great but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle anything else (im terrible at stem and most high-paying jobs require it lol + i have depressive episodes 24/7💀 and im pretty sure i have adhd*). But even picking smth i like and am not terrible at (not great at either but at least it's not math lol) im not able to handle it???

I was trying really hard at first, i didn't want to fuck this up, but the rhythm needed is just... way too much for someone who stuggled all throughout hs and has shit mental health.

I managed to work hard for a bit (studying everyday after class, doing 8hr study sessions during the weekend, revising quickly while waiting in line, etc) but then i let loose (or even went full days/weeks with minimal amount of studying) bc it was so overwhelming and now im cramming like 2/3 months worth of 3 different subjects and my exams are in Jan/Feb (the first available dates on the 10th) and ill be lucky to pass a single one of them with the speed im going at.

Even on days i get up early to study and barely even look at my phone, it's just too much stuff and im not fast enough + i lack a lot of things bc of my slacking off in hs.

I go to uni in Italy and if you fall behind u have to pay more but ig it's better than putting all this effort and most of all money to then just drop out and be left degreeless?

But I feel so freaking terrible bc i literally dont even work part-time or anything and i still live with my parents and theyre the ones paying for all of my stuff basically? So to add a higher cost bc i couldnt keep up with uni🥲 but then, if i take a part-time job, ill be making some money but uni will be going even worst and itll still be a waste of money???

I've talked to multiple therapists/psychiatrists, asking them even for LIGHT anxiety meds and *all* of them have refused (I also made it clear that I would still go to therapy even if I got meds but nothing).

Studying calms me down a bit but even tho ive started doing it daily again and for hours on end, im still akskdkdkrkr

Ill talk to my family and my therapist but i honestly dont know wtf to do with my life. Ik the whole "dont cry over spilled milk" thing but i really wish i could re-do hs to not be in this fucking mess.

It doesn't really help that my only goal in life is to make a lot of money bc i think ill be alone (both romantically and platonically) forever but with the way it's going, ill be lucky to get a minimum wage one (im not saying it as a diss, those are respectable jobs too but like i said, my only goal is to make money so i can live comfortably and distract myself from my depression lmao).

This is all very specific and i doubt anyone responds (let alone reads) but if anyone does read, tysm for reading this sad long rant🫂🫂🫂. I pretty much wont be able to see my therapist until just a bit before my exams so this was also my way to let out some frustration.

*Ive tried to get an official diagnosis, and it's fine if im wrong ofc, but i was immediately denied and told that couldnt be it... bc of my age lmao💀

#uni #university #uni advice #university advice #uni struggles #al's post

0 notes

ouchhq · 2 years

Note

hi!! have you ever thought about visiting a psychiatrist if you havent already? i went to mine for the first time in may and since then, i got on meds that really helped with my depression. i feel like a person now. i actually do shit when i need to. i fucking even go outside and i actually Want to go. my intrusive thoughts and ocd lessened so much. hey, maybe it would help you, too? also is there someone you can talk to? or an animal you can hug tight tight tight? or a game to play to distract yourself?

i have been to a psychiatrist twice before.. they gave me antidepressants and the first time they kinda worked but then i relapsed v bad and i got prescribed some more but by the time i was supposed to start taking them i was too sick to bring myself to do it (literal brain rot ngl)… i know they could help but at this point its just really scary to take them ngl i remember i felt so empty when i was taking them the first time i was prescribed them it kinda scares me a lot.. im glad ur meds helped u tho that sounds so lovely and wholesome 🥺 as for someone to talk to,, i guess yeah hah people around me know partly what i go through and i sometimes talk a bit about it but yeah not really thoroughly especially now that im pretty much finishing my therapy cycle bc its too expensive to carry on and i havent gotten the results i needed from it (clearly) because i just struggle immensely to actually physically talk about these issues … but yeah im gonna survive 😅 i have my kitty to cuddle shes the love of my life and i have her to comfort me and give me a reason to wake up every day lmao

#thank u for reaching out tho 🥺

1 note · View note

steamgoat · 2 years

Text

I want to start to draw again!! My psychiatrist kinda scolded me when I told her I hadn’t in a while, because drawing more was a part of the “homework” she gave me, along with going for walks more.

It’s been a rough month for my depression and not helped by the fact that a good friend of mine passed away recently and the loss was a big shock, even though we hadn’t really talked in a while (I feel very guilty about that)…

He was a really wonderful person who had so much light to give to the world. He worked with children at a library and he always brightened everyone’s day. He was younger than me and left behind a partner and dog and cat and so many friends and family that love him. I feel so awful for them but I didn’t know any of them personally…

It’s just so weird to think that I just saw him posting stuff like a few days prior to his passing and now I’ll never see a new post from him. He was getting really good with his art too! It’s just not fair, and I know that’s said about the majority of good young people that pass away, but it’s true. Like why couldn’t a few of the rich old bastards running the country have gone in his place! They always seem to hang on the longest…

—

Anyway I also started playing neopets again for some reason. About 15 years ago or so I lost my main account that I had like, nice painted pets on and the lab ray and items from when neopets was first getting started that would be so valuable on there today (it got deleted completely along with most of my other accounts bc I had too many and it was considered cheating).

Then like seven to ten(?) years ago or whenever they started that stupid customization thing where all the pets have the same pose I decided to make another account to get the main pet I’d always wanted but couldn’t afford(darigan lupe), just to be able to say I got it lol. And after I worked hard to get it I left again for some years. But it’s still around. So I’ve been using that one, plus some side accounts that are within the rules for having side accounts.

There’s a bipedal owl neopet now and also a paint brush that turns your pet into a weird elderly version??? And also paintbrushes that give your neopet a bunch of clothes that I don’t think looks good(including stealth and steampunk). I miss the unconverted pets(before they were all the same pose so you can put clothes on them) which had so much more personality, but those are so hard to come by now (apparently there’s this whole hierarchy of unconverted pets you would need to trade up to to even get a chance to get an unconverted pet you want from someone who has one, if there even are any left up for trade (I guess you can trade pets now instead of just putting them in the pound and hoping the person adopted them before anyone else did, which is nice).

Neopets is all about spending real human money now tho, just like all these other games, and apparently they might’ve gotten into nfts? Idk. I still like some of the pets tho and it’s nostalgic to play it again even if it’s very different now. Tho most of the games are flash based still despite modern browsers no longer supporting flash… so I can’t really do that unless I get an older version of a browser I guess? Which I haven’t gotten around to figuring out how to do yet. But yeah. Dunno how long I’ll keep playing but maybe I’ll draw some neopets lol.

#personal ramblings #death mention

1 note · View note

orcelito · 2 years

Text

I suppose part of it is feeling tired of feeling clinically insane. Like whether that's true or not, I think I wanna try to not Uh encourage it

#speculation nation #anytime i go to a doctor or psychiatrist and they hand me that silly little sheet that has me check off in little boxes #what ive done and what ive thought about as if theyre objective experiences that can be described in concrete clinical terms #which i mean. ultimately i guess they are. which is part of what feels so bad about it all #an entire existence of Years boiled down to a handful of words on a sheet of paper #almost as if it's an identity. a mark that will forever follow me. as permanent as the scars scattered on my skin.#i'll always have them but i sure as hell dont need More. im fuckin done with it now.#self harm ment/#this'll b my last post on the topic (for now) dw #im just tired of . a lot. tired in general.#not quite tired of myself bc i cant judge me of the past. i know what i was feeling back then.#maybe tired of the mental illness. Yeah that would make sense.#the mental illness and the life ive lived that led to these choices.#and the life i live with the combination of those choices & the general judgement of people who are mentally ill #always gonna need to hide these fucking scars.#bc i dont wanna deal with ppl looking at me like im one touch away from breaking. or like im Disgusting.#id get either of them. few ppl would just be chill about it. i know this for a fact.#could b worse tho. easy enough to hide. thank you 16 year old me for having Some semblance of self restraint.#god i rarely talk about this shit so frankly but like hey maybe i deserve to be frank about it rn #this is part of my life and me deciding to be Done with it is pretty big lol. im allowed to complain.#anyways i need to go the fuck to sleep. why do i ALWAYS stay up so late. God.

0 notes

humanimalgam · 5 years

Text

my old therapist isn't taking new clients anymore so i have to find a new one and like god fuck this man

#it's so annoying bc you have to like give them the tl;dr of your entire life #and a debriefing on every significant person currently in your life and your history with them #and then you might not even be a good match so you'll have to find a new one and do it again!#i still need to reschedule with my psychiatrist too since i had to cancel bc of insurance shit #ughhhhhh adulthood really is just one phone call after another #at least i know i'll be able to pay for my textbooks in time now so that's something i guess #i am bummed about the therapist thing tho like who knows how long it'll take to actually get to what i want to talk about now #i'm also just like lowkey lonely in general i think but idk what to do about that #i did see some friends at the lgbt youth group i go to tonight but i didn't really get anything out of it #not really anyone's fault everyone was just going thru shit today #i tried to Open Up a bit but i didn't get anything out of that either #so overall yeah i didn't really get anything at all from leaving the house tonight but i did get my little brother the candy he wanted #he's happy at least so not a total waste #and i bought myself some pringles too so at least i can be bummed while eating junk food #it's another thunderstorm tonight but i actually find them kind of soothing so it's nice #gotta appreciate the little things in life #bee babbles

7 notes · View notes

hyunjilicious · 3 years

Note

I just read what is and what should never be and it was PHENOMENAL! I love everything you write anyway so I was wondering if you could do a small one where Bucky is alone and depressed and he calls yn because he feels lost and she is just there for him? No worries if you can't! I love you anyway 💕

Omg!! You’re too sweet! I really wanted to do this one justice, but I suck at angst... I love you too!! and I’m sorry if this sucks!

Summary: after the events of Endgame, you and Bucky part ways. Even though you haven’t spoken in months, when he needs you, you’re there ANGST 2.2k

Warnings: overall angsty vibes. Sad Bucky. Idk depictions of depression I guess? shitty writing!

“You came” Bucky's surprised tone pulled you out of your thoughts.

Before saying anything else, you shook your head in disbelief. From certain points of view, he looked exactly the same as when you last saw him months ago, but if you looked past his rugged exterior, it was very easy to tell something was truly eating away at his heart.

“Of course I came” you frowned, “You called me”

“Thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore” Bucky mumbled.

You looked him up and down, thoroughly confused by his statement, but decided to keep the tone of the conversation from going too dark too fast. “Shut up, Barnes” you scoffed, “Don’t even joke about that.” A hint of a smile appeared at the corner of his lips, but it was forced, you could easily tell he wasn’t truly being himself. “What’s up?”

Bucky took a deep breath as if gathering the courage to word his thoughts. When his eyes met yours he flinched, the pain clouding his otherwise bright blue eyes. He started with a long sigh and a shake of his head but then, cringed as he finally spoke up. “I need help”

His confession went directly to the pit of your stomach. “What happened? Whatever it is, you got it, but what-”

“Nothing happened” Bucky stopped you, “I need help”

“I don’t understand”

“I need someone to-” he sighed, closing his eyes as his head fell forward in what could only be described as shame, “I need someone to talk to” and it was funny, considering he just walked out of his psychiatrist’s office. “Someone that’s not paid to listen to me” he added, “Someone who understands”

It was moments like these that you truly wished Steve was still here. Or Nat. Your best friends, yes, but they were the glue that held you all together, and now in their absence, you were all threatening to fall apart.

But of course you’d be there for Bucky. Whatever he needed you were more than eager to provide, but at the same time, you were fully aware that your capabilities were limited. You didn’t lack the understanding or the experience, but you lacked the words. You had the sympathy, but not the advice he needed. But you were there. Like you have always been and always will be, so, that afternoon you ended up on his living room floor.

Surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol that had no effect on either of you whatsoever, you sat and listened to him rant his heart out until his throat couldn’t take it anymore. And then he broke down - completely. A full on mess, tears staining his cheeks as the temperature dropped in the room with every other pained groan he’d release. But he let it all out and the weight he had been carrying on his shoulder was unimaginable. There were too many things eating away at his heart, but the guilt was what kept him under its spell, what kept him up for the last months, what was physically destroying him.

“Y/n... “ he called for you, face hidden in his hands as he spoke, “I know you’re gonna say no, but-”

“No,” you stopped him, “Then don’t ask me”

“Please”

“No, Bucky” you sighed, grabbing his wrist so you could look him in the eyes, “If you already know it’s a bad idea, please don’t tell me because I’m afraid I’ll actually go through with it right now”

“But i can’t fucking sleep!” he cried out loud, falling back against the couch, arms propped up on his knees, “I keep having the same nightmares over and over again, and I can’t take it anymore”

“You don’t-” you took a deep breath, “You don’t want me to erase your mind, do you?”

The look in his eyes proved that that was exactly what he wanted. And the unshed tears that coated the otherwise pure and radiant blue of his eyes was almost enough to convince you.

“Please-” he begged, “I-”

“No, Buck” you shook your head and shuffled to face him properly, “As time passes, it’s only gonna get worse. The past will eventually catch up to you. You’ll want to know what you did”

He didn’t have it in him to fight you, so silence settled for a while. “You know sedatives don’t work on me?”

“I… never thought about it, but that makes sense”

Bucky gathered his lips into a tight line and nodded his head.

“Lady shrink isn’t of any help?” you asked.

“I have no clue what she’s doing” he shrugged, “Maybe it’s good in the long run, but fuck if I know how she expects me to make any kind of progress right now”

“You are, tho” you reassured him, “Making progress I mean”

“Am I?” Bucky laughed incredulously.

“Yes! You’re almost completely on your own feet. You really pushed through”

“Or maybe I’m just ignoring all of my problems”

“You just told me about them” you chuckled, and threw an arm over his shoulders.

Hesitatingly at first, he eventually leaned in into your hold, allowing himself to completely fall against your chest. “I hate this”

“I think that’s a given” you laughed, curling your fingers around the roots of his way too short hair. “A wise man once said that whenever someone acts like they have their shit together, they’re either lying or delusional”

“Who said that?”

“I don’t know” you confessed, “I saw that on the internet”

For the first time that night, you actually heard him laugh, and it sounded so good - it was short and weak, but it was sweet and honest. “That’s a pathetic attempt at cheering me up, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it” Bucky said as he pushed himself up.

“I wish I could do more” you mumbled, “But I don’t know what, or how, but-”

“Thank you”

“You don’t have to thank me, you know that” you smiled.

He didn’t know that. He’d never stop thanking you for even the smallest gestures. The day where Bucky would understand that kindness, in some cases, is a given, was far away, but you had the patience and determination to work for it.

As you talked and talked, and the topic of conversation kept shifting from one area to the other, the sun set, night settling outside his small windows. It was time for you to leave, and you would’ve done it, had he asked you not to at the last second.

You had your shoes on and one hand on the door handle, when he stumbled over his words, obviously too shy to properly hold his ground. “Actually can you- can you-” he mumbled, pointing to his couch, “Can you stay here tonight?”

And of course you did. The night didn’t last much longer after that, with Bucky settling on the floor, only a blanket to keep him company, and you sprawled out on the couch as silence settled.

But your mind was too busy to drift off. You knew his’ was too, but decided to refrain from speaking up, hoping to let him fall asleep, even for a short while.

It was loud inside your head. You always promised yourself you’d never intrude on someone’s thoughts and read through them without their approval, but you physically felt Bucky radiate energy, and your mind just slipped. But then, your heart almost stopped.

You saw yourself. You saw yourself slapping him back in Wakanda when he decided to go under ice again, you saw yourself moving a car out of his way back in Bucharest, when you risked your life for his because you trusted Steve that much, and because you were that good of a friend. You saw yourself at Tony’s funeral, eyes shiny with tears and then felt an almost uncontrollable urge to hug yourself - and then realised it wasn’t your urge, it was Bucky’s. At this point, your heart beat so fast you were actually afraid he’d hear it. But when goosebumps appeared all over your skin, you realised he couldn’t hear you, that he was asleep and that the nightmares started materializing.

What convinced you to act on it was the sudden jerk of his body and the way to fully tensed instantly after. So, unable to just sit and watch, you rolled over to the side and allowed your hand to fall by his temple, little specks of light rolling off the tips of your fingers as you forced the thoughts away. Seconds later, you saw him relax and shift around, gathering the blanket he laid on to his chest as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

His relaxed form and the steady pace of his breathing put a smile on your face. But you made the mistake of thinking this was a one time thing, however, before you realised, you found yourself leaning over him again, ushering yet another wave of nightmares away. And it kept being an ongoing process until the sun rose, and you cursed yourself as you did not get one second of shut eye. But it was worth it. The sight of him finally resting, knowing he spent his night in his happy place that you this time did not intrude on, made up for your tiredness.

When Bucky drifted out of his deep sleep, you figured it was safe to relax too. But knowing that if you went to sleep right now you wouldn’t wake up until noon, you stood up, determined to give him the full best friend experience.

But all you found in his kitchen was a box of stale cereal, a soft cucumber and candy wrappers. Had he not looked so adorable sleeping shirtless and curled into a ball on the floor, you would have woken him up yelling. But instead, you decided to order some food, and the simple fact that the sound of the delivery guy ringing the doorbell didn’t wake him up, actually terrified you. With a life like yours, no one sleeps that deeply, but then there he was, snoring away the late hours of the morning.

By the time he finally stirred awake, the food was already cold, and you were bored out of your mind. “What- what time is it?” he mumbled, voice rich with sleep.

“A little bit past 2” you yawned from your spot on the couch.

“2 pm?” Bucky huffed, sitting up in a hurry and rushing to grab his phone. “What the-” he turned to you confused, “It’s 2pm…”

“Yeah” you sighed, “And the food is cold”

“Food?” Bucky gawked, looking over at the small table by the window, “You got food?”

“You didn’t have any” you defended yourself. You wanted to scold him for not taking better care of himself, but he looked so homey and cozy and vulnerable, that you couldn’t bring yourself to.

Eventually, you stood up and walked over to him. “I’ll let you eat, Buck, but I gotta go” you sighed, giving him a hug, “Got some stuff to do” you lied, by stuff meaning sleep, since you were exhausted.

“Yeah, of course” he mumbled in agreement, wrapping his arms around your frame, and bringing you closer. He sank his head into the crook of your neck, holding you to his chest for a moment longer than you would have considered friendly. But you didn’t complain, his hold was stern and loving, and you really needed that right now. “Thank you” Bucky added when he finally let you go. His right palm cupped your cheek as he looked down at you, awe and admiration in his eyes.

“Nothing to thank me for, Buck” you smiled, and then pulled away.

He silently watched you get ready to leave, following you around until you reached the door and turned around to say goodbye. And it was weird. Your heart boomed against your ribcage, and you didn’t have to read his thoughts to know he was feeling the same kind of nervous. And it may have been the one too many stories you read but you actually feared something was going to happen. Thankfully, it didn’t. Instead you shared another hug, and parted ways.

However, all you managed to do was reach the staircase before you heard his door open, followed by the sound of his bare feet sprinting down the hallway. “What are you-”

“Can you stay?” he asked, shaking from head to toe, “In New York I mean, can you please stay? Just a few more days”

“Well, I- yeah, I guess I can” you mumbled.

“I just, I need a few more days. You’re screwing my head back on, I just need you now. Steve is gone, and Sam is all the way in Louisiana and I hate phones and I-”

“Wow-” you laughed, “I’m not even the second choice, I’m the third?”

“Shut up, Y/n” Bucky frowned, “Stop being a smartass for a second”

“I’m sorry” you rolled your eyes, but he didn’t care.

In the blink of an eye, Bucky threw his arms around your shoulders and hugged you close, and you weren’t sure if the ‘I love you’ that echoed inside your mind had actually been spoken or just thought, but it was everything you never knew you needed.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan imagine

658 notes · View notes

yoiku · 2 years

Text

Some ramblings about depression, medication and whatnot. Positive overall tho there are some trigger warnings!

So last november I dragged my ass to the on-duty clinic because boy was I feeling suicidal, enough to be sent to urgent care unit, which was new. There I actually got a psychiatrist and a psych nurse who I would work with me the entire time. For the first time in the 3,5years I've been trying out antidepressants and having to meet with an entirely new doctor almost every time, I finally had a person who -kept- my case, who I could contact in need. I'd also meet them every week/every other week depending on how i'm feeling. What a fucking difference that has made. I haven't had to start from the beginning every goddamn time i go in, and get a different doctor's opinion each time. Also the psychiatrist at urgent care was the first medical professional who has just flat out gone: "You haven't been able to sleep properly since you were a teenager, which is also when your depression kicked in? Well, there's the reason, and we'll need to work together to see what options would work for you." Until now my sleeping problems have always just been a "lifestyle choice" and I've simply been told to fix it myself and I'd start feeling much better :)

Also she saw that I've been in the queue for adhd/add evaluation and tests for 6months and asked straight away why haven't I been prescribed Bupropion, since it's an antidepressant but also works the same way that adhd medications do, it's just like a lighter version more or less. So she put me on that, and for the first month, nothign really happened. Then she maxed the dose saying if that won't work in a month or two then we gotta look for other options.

Well, 3 weeks after that stuff started to happen. After about 7months of not being able to really even draw anything, not feeling any motivation for anything I usually enjoyed, really, I just somehow got a really frustrated feeling about not doing anything productive or fun. Dusted off my tablet and started drawing. Mehhh felt like shit everything looked like shit. The next day though, looked back at the stuff and yeah, it still looked liked shit, but the feeling of having done something creative was suddenly immense. Like wtf is this feeling of... satisfaction?

So I picked up the pen again and just kept going. That was uhhh.. a month ago now? And I'm still fucking going. I've had 2 days in the last 30 or so where I've actually just had to stay in bed and recharge after several days of 12-18 hours of drawing or WRITING, which is something I've never been able to start, suddenly that wasn't a big deal to start off either. Wtf. I'm drafting a comic, another thing I've never been able to start because I've felt too shit about it/myself beforehand. Again, wtf?

I've also started to talk more, which actually weirds me out. I'm used to being way too anxious to actually initiate conversations, or got stuck on worrying myself into an anxiety attack about entirely useless/stupid things. I feel generally way less stressed somehow? Like it's not like "it's all gone I'm no longer mentally ill", but parts of my anxiety have lessened to a degree that makes me uncomfortably comfortable, if that makes any fucking sense?

While I know it's entirely dumb to think about what could've been, recently I can't help but think that man, what would've my life been like if I'd gotten this sort of care and/or meds... Say when I was 25? or 20? or 15? Would I actually been able to get through school instead of dropping out from 5 different colleges? Would I've been able to land a job for more than a month because I would've not been too anxious to do any level of socializing? Maybe not. But maybe some things could've been better.

Better late than never I guess. I'm experiencing things and drive at 33 that I haven't experienced... Since I was a kid, really? Wtf.

ngl at this point I'll be really surprised if I don't get diagnosed with adhd/add once I get into the eval. and tests sometime this year hopefully...

#tw: mental health #tw: suicide #tw: depression #shut up yoi

8 notes · View notes

giorno-plays-piano · 4 years

Note

hey!! i love your writing sm💕 idk if you’re still taking requests or if you’re comfortable w a like platonic or father figure yandere. But how about yan! Steve Rogers where he kidnaps a teenage girl to be his daughter then shields her from the world to “protect” her kinda like rapunzel. if you don’t want to that’s no problem at all tho💕

Hi, sweetie! This is a very peculiar request, and I really, really like it! I guess I’ve made Steve a little softer than I expected, but here he is. Hope you’re going to enjoy this!

The one he cares about

Pairing: adoptive dad!Steve & Reader, Peter Parker x Reader (if you squint)

Warnings: yandere, obsession (non-romantic!), stalking, kidnapping, death of minor characters (but nothing too scary).

Words: 1870.

P.S. Just to clarify this is NOT an incest story, Steve does not harbor any romantic feelings for the reader, he loves her like a parent does.

__________________

Pacing up and down nervously like a caged tiger, Steve threw a glance at the clock on the kitchen wall, ready to take out his cellphone and give you a call. It was just 10 pm, but he felt something wasn't going quite right. Was everything ok at that party? Were you enjoying yourself? Did you finally confess to that silly guy Steve didn't like at all? What if he had already got you, Steve's precious little daughter, into bed?

Breathing in deeply, the man tried calming himself down. You were an adult. At one point you would start dating people, and it was perfectly alright, Sam reminded him the other day. You weren't some princess locked in a tower with Steve guarding you like an angry dragon. You had the right to love and be loved, create your own family, for God's sake. When he thought of you leaving him Steve was ready to break that kitchen wall.

No, no, no, it was alright. You loved him with all your heart, and no stupid guy could take it away from Steve. He was your father. Adoptive father, of course, but he did everything he could to make you trust and love him as much as you true family. You were calling him dad, after all. And even if you eventually married someone, Steve would always stay close to help and support you - and your kids, if you ever decide to have any. At the thought of him kissing the cheeks of his cute little grandchildren Steve had finally relaxed.

Oh, was it the sound of the front door opening? As much as he wanted to rush to meet you, the man quickly put on his apron he ironed this morning and turned to the heated stove to put a meat pie in it. Alright, alright, you were already home, it was perfect.

But why so early? Steve was really generous this time and gave you till 1 am - of course, if you took a taxi, not go walking the streets in the night. Did something go wrong? Did the guy reject you? Did he take advantage of you? Did he... do something he shouldn't have?

Steve felt his blood boiling. In a second he was ready to storm out of the kitchen to beat the shit out of that bastard who was stupid enough to hurt his child.

"Hi dad! I'm home!"

As you walked in, carrying your beaded clutch in your arms and yawning tiredly, Steve put a smile on his face momentarily, assessing whether you were hurt within a couple of seconds. No, apparently, you were alright: you moved just like before; your hair wasn't ruffled, and your makeup wasn't smeared eather. He had overreacted again.

"Welcome back, sweet pea." Steve moved closer to you, giving you a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead as you giggled softly, throwing your arms around his broad back. "How did it go?"

As your face turned gloomy for a fleeting second, he knew his sixth sense wasn't lying to him: something didn't go well.

"Nah." You brushed it off as you sat on the chair, carelessly leaving your clutch on the table and stretching your legs with a loud sigh.

"What is it, sweetie?"

Furrowing his brows, Steve sat across from you, his hands folded as he stared at you with worry. Shit, did this guy try doing something funny? Did he offend you? Oh, Steve was going to have a nice talk with him, a moron who thought he could do this to his little girl and it would never come back at him. Should he call Natasha? Maybe Bucky? He knew they were still in town. No, no, he would take this matter in his own hands and go have a nice talk with that stupid ungrateful ba-

"It's alright, I swear." You muttered and forced a smile, drawing his attention back to you. "He just... well, just didn't return my feelings."

"Did he reject you?"

For a second Steve felt both relieved and ready to go murder that kid in a cold blood. Rejected you? The prettiest and smartest girl in the town with a heart of gold? Who did that little shit think he was, rejecting Steve's precious daughter?

But it was better than him forcing you to do something you didn't want. At least that asshole didn't do anything inappropriate to you, probably too scared to face your angry dad who could crack his skull with one hand.

"Not like reject in the full sense of the word, but... um, I feel like he was a little scared of me." Your smile turned bitter, and you leaned onto Steve, pressing your forehead into his chest as you exhaled loudly.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time it happened. Everybody around knew you were the daughter of retired Captain America, and people were treating you with such caution as if you were some time bomb, clearly unwilling to make the world's first Avenger angry. Partly, it was a good thing since no one tried messing with you. However, you were also left pretty much alone, ignored by the majority for the sake of their own well-being. Although you had found several friends, dating someone was a completely different thing: guys were running away from before you even spoke to them.

"I'm so sorry." The man said quietly, rubbing your back and gently caressing your head with his other hand. "This is my fault."

You sighed, lifting your head and looking at Steve so tenderly he suddenly felt like he was the happiest man in the world. What, weren't you upset?

"Come on, dad." His heart sped up when you called him that, and he was ready to lift you up in the air, kissing his little girl's nose. "I thought he's different, but he's just a chicken like all other guys. I'll get over him soon."

"Hard to live up to our standards, I guess." Steve smiled and pinched your nose a little, making you laugh again. "But you need to know I am really sorry, sweat pea. I swear I wouldn't stand in your way if you decided he was the right guy for you."

Actually, Steve pretty much would, but you wouldn't know about it. Happiness of his only child was the only thing that mattered to him now: what was the point of being a parent if you couldn't make your kid happy?

"It's okay, really, dad. I wouldn't change the things as they are now. When I think what could happen if you didn't see me on the street that night... uh-huh." You didn't finish the sentence, not that you needed to.

If Steve didn't find you that night desperately searching for food on the streets of New York, you'd probably be dead now.

You were born to a good family, and you spent the first 11 years of your life in a nice place, having loving parents, the roof above your head and food on the table. You were just one more happy kid among thousands of others, neither better nor worse than all of them. It all changed when your parents were killed by two robbers who had broken into your house, and soon you ended up in an orphanage - you still had nightmares about this place. You spent a year there before you escaped, choosing the streets over an orphanage. Silly you, thinking it would be better.

When Steve found you, you were 13. Dirty, always hungry, acting like a little wild animal, you were no more pitiful than any other homeless child, ignored by the majority of people, but Steve saw you. He took you with him - forcefully, of course, because you fought him like a little angry cat, frightened to the core he was going to take advantage of you like all those people pretending to help you. But he didn’t. He was the one who had truly cared.

It took him months to get you accustomed to living in a house again with someone close to you. Steve spent even more time trying to make you trust him, make you believe he was your friend, somebody you could rely on, trust, see as a parental figure. You couldn’t even name all those people he hired to help you: countless psychologists and psychiatrists; doctors and nurses of all kinds; visiting teachers and tutors. Despite liking to live alone, Steve brought so many strangers to his house it felt like living in a royal palace with tons of court attendants. All of this was for you, the only person he cared about, his little child.

When you were 15, you started calling him dad, and that was the day neither Steve nor you would ever forget: he scooped you up and kept swinging you around till your head was spinning while he laughed and shouted how much he loved you, the best daughter he could ever had.

You never knew the extent to which Steve cared about you, following you secretly when you finally agreed to leave the house - he needed to know you were safe and sound. Of course, he was always there when he supposed someone wasn’t treating you right, and he did everything he could to keep his only child happy. Unfortunately, you were lonely until Steve found a couple of good friends for you, but it was alright. You were perfectly okay now.

“I love you too, sweet pea.” He smiled, caressing your head gently. “But you know what? Don’t worry about that guy. I actually have someone who I want you to meet, and he’s a really sweet kid.”

“Whoa, what? What kid?”

“Well, you know. Kid from work.”

“Dad, what work? What kid?” You rolled your eyes at him, giggling. “How old is he, at least?”

“A little older than you, but he’s alright. He’s been wanting to meet you for some time.” But before Steve wasn’t sure kid was the right guy for you, considering that he was still very much an Avenger and was involved in all kinds of dangerous situations.

“Dad, what kid? Are you talking about your superhero colleagues or something?”

“... yeah? I promise, you’ll like him. Peter’s a good kid.”

“Peter? Peter goddamn Parker?!” You exclaimed loudly, realizing he was talking about Spider-Man. “Are you joking?!”

“What did I tell you about swearing, sweetheart?” Furrowing his brows, Steve shook his head in disapproval, but laughed in the very next second, watching your guilty expression. “Alright, alright. I’m not joking. If you’d like to meet him, I’ll ask him to come tomorrow for dinner, ok?”

“Yes, please!”

As he took the pie out of the oven with you waiting at the dinner table, Steve thought about giving the kid a big lecture about what he was and wasn’t supposed to do to you, but he was more or less sure Peter knew what was right and wrong. Steve could spot that familiar glint in kid’s eyes when he was looking at your photo that Steve had been showing him proudly.

It would turn out alright. Your father was ready to do anything it takes to make you happy.

___________________________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki @helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin @inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @abyssaint @heeeyitskay @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherubwrites @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @lookiamtrying @buckysbunny @soleil-dor @stargazingfangirl18 @dillybuggg @literate-lamb @cosicas-cuquis @iheartsebastianstan @lovelydarkdaydream @sarge-barnes-sir

#steve rogers #dark steve Rogers #captain america #yandere #mcu #mcu fanfiction #requests #peter parker #peter parker x reader

349 notes · View notes