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slayingqueenchal · 1 year

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busy days | marc spector x f!reader

Warnings : mentions of steven and Jake, but marc is fronting, ANGST, before harrow, ammit, and they already know about eachother

Summary : feels like the boys doesn't care for you anymore, read to find out!

"Sorry sweetheart, Khonshu needs me"

"Oh, y/n, I'm so sorry but I can't go"

"Sorry, maybe we'll do it on Wednesday? I'm busy"

And so many other. You feel empty. Back before all of this, you used to cuddle every night, be all lovely, and even when this happened he still tried as hard as he could to get an extra minute to spend with you. But now, it's as if he doesn't even bother.

Even now, everything is some how your fault. When you gave him a book, a simple book at his birthday he was angry. After he told you about his mom, you understood, and that was your fault.

You couldn't do this anymore. He's always busy with work and, the only person that truly makes an effort is steven.

Still that wasn't enough. One time, he told you he asked you if you wanted to go on a date, and you obviously said yes, but, no one was by your side when you left the restaurant.

One time you held a birthday party, and you invited some friends from work and him. But no one came. If it was your co workers it would make sense, but your own boyfriend?

And, finally when he was home, you finally picked up the courage to tell him.

"Marc? " You said. He has not been Marc for a long time, he's often 'baby' or 'love'. You'd expect for him to notice, but he doesn't, getting a cold reply "what? Can't you see I'm tired".

"Marc. I think I need to take a break" You said, sitting on the couch. "Sleep" The guy said. "Marc! How-how much of an idiot can you be! You spread all of your love and care and when you come home there's none left for me! So I'm ending this! It's for the better anyways" You said. Strong, strong, you are strong, y/n you repeated to yourself.

"What? For the better? You're breaking up with me? " Marc says In shock, as his eyes move to you. "Yes, Marc, I'm breaking up with all of you".

"No, no, no, i-ill fix this, i-what do you want I can give it to you" He begs. "For you to stay here for at least one week at a row" You said,simple, just one week.

"Love, you know khonshu is not negotiable" Marc says, walking closer to you. "Then, neither is our relationship" You cried. And you felt so defeated when you let him hug you.

"This is our first hug in a few months, funny how it's when we're about to break up" You scolded. "No were not, we're not going to break up, I'm going to talk to khonshu, we're gonna be just fine"

"No, Marc, I need to take a break, and, I need a little getaway too, we're not breaking up I just, need space" You said, ending the long hug.

"Okay, I understand, but please come back, yeah?" The accent changed, and suddenly it was steven. "Of course ill comeback".

You didn't. You haven't came back since that awful night. And that was six months ago.

And finally Marc gets a taste of his own medicine. He has never felt more lonlier. Sure he had steven and Jake, but, he felt empty.

These days, Jake has been fronting the most. It's because he's the strongest mentally and physically amongst the three. So, Jake has been cruel. Now he works more for khonshu, and kills people without a single drop of mercy.

Steven has been miserable, he never really talks anymore, when he fronts he gets drunk, he's just a messed up guy now.

But there you were, talking to khonshu in a small, dark, alley.

"Y/n" The tall god says. "What? Now you stalk your avatar exes?" You said. "Sorry, he didn't say anything about breaking up. But it is important to me that Marc does well and lately he hasn't. You promised to come back"

"And so does he, he promised to go home and ne an actual caring boyfriend for me, and its not even his fault. It's because of you! He can't even stay home for three days before you ask him to do your work, but that doesn't mean I stopped loving him! And as selfish as this sounds I hope he's feeling miserable because I've never felt so alone and so terrible! " You said wanting to leave. B

Suddenly, someone grabbed your wrist. "Oh funny! You're here! Did you set this up? " You looked at Marc, then khonshu. "I'll go now" The God says, disappearing into thin air.

"Are you guys besties now? Partner in crime? " You scoffed. "Y/n I'm sorry, please just listen"." Fine, I bet I won't even hear a thing anyways" You looked away.

"If you come back with me I'll stop working for him" Marc says, half begging, half demanding. "M-marc that's not fair, Steven loves this whole thing with Egyptian gods, Jake practically worships him, you can't just quit it"

"I can actually, if that means I can have you back just please" He begged. "Marc.. You swear you love me right? ", " Right", "that's all I need to know. Go back to khonshu, cause, you gotta love your self too and you, Steven, and Jake kinda love this job" You said.

"We-we kinda love this job but we love you! Please y/n" Marc cries, which was a rare thing. "I love you too, but I just can't, alright? We should just stay what we used to be before this chaotic thing and I know that wouldn't happens so no, we can't go back with each other.

You left, expecting miracle to happen,but, the world just got darker.

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underratedandoverit · 6 months

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You Wanna Wish Away Your Sins (3/3)

After losing to Best Friends at Arcade Anarchy, Kip undergoes shoulder surgery. One person reaching out to him afterwards sends Kip spiraling, turning all the pain and suffering in him into… Flowers? Flowers growing in his lungs?

Kip Sabian/Chuck Taylor. Hanahaki disease. Angst. Hurt/comfort. Emotional hurt/comfort. One-sided attraction. Also tagged this from now on with manipulative Kip.

Marked Mature on AO3 for general content. Warnings for mentions of hospitals, surgery, medical stuff. Described feelings for choking and vomiting.

Other characters on-screen include Penelope Ford, Orange Cassidy. Rest of Best Friends are mentioned. Background ship of Penelope/Kris is heavily implied, but never specifically shown.

part 1 || part 2

On AO3

Finishing this took way longer than I intended. Oops. Mental illness and whatever be damned yada yada. But it's over now. And I am content. It's a whole fic and ended just as I wanted and had planned, surprisingly no surprises during writing lol. I hope it makes sense, there's a little bit there that doesn't get explained, but I have convinced myself that people can put the pieces together considering the mental state Kip is in and how the hanahaki disease works so. Yeah.

If you have read this far, thank you so much, I really appreciate you and your patience if you have waited for this to finish since I originally posted in early September. I see all the kudos and subs attached, they mean the world to me. Would love to hear your thoughts of this now that it's over, as there was a lot of time (obviously lol) and love put into this, so it would mean a lot ;; But I appreciate you all so much either way, thank you for sticking by and reading!! 💜💜

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate @ss-trashboat

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Kip tried to keep his eyes on the television, but he wasn’t registering anything he saw on the screen. Even if he was technically interested in watching the game that was being played, Kip would have much rather been looking at something else. Or someone else. That someone being the man sitting on the couch next to him, being much more into the activity of playing a video game that he was partaking in that Kip was.

While he was glad that Chuck was coming over far more often these days, at the same time it did grind Kip’s mind that they had fallen into this false routine of a casual friendship. Chuck would appear on his doorstep, bring a movie or a game with him for them to busy themselves with that day, maybe some snacks and energy drinks, and the rest of the day they would just hang out, consume the media of the day, and that would be it.

Same talking points every single day. Sitting in the silently designated spots on the couch just far enough from one another that even by accident their hands wouldn’t brush against each other unless they were passing the food and drinks around. Eye contact was brief, almost uncomfortably so if it managed to exist in the first place, and only when one got up from the couch and asked if the other needed something or something similarly surprising happened. Maybe a laugh could gather a quick glance, maybe a sneeze, a cough. And even then it was more often Chuck doing that to Kip, while Kip was trying to steal looks into his direction any chance he could, hoping Chuck would catch a hint.

It had been days, weeks even, maybe. How many, Kip had lost a count somewhere after the first few days, partially because of the pain he was going through, partially because he still found the whole situation so absurd. But the thing he knew for sure, was that it had been too many for comfort.

Every time Kip watched Chuck walk out the door of his house again at the end of the day, his breathing became a little bit tighter, the stabbing pain in his chest more prominent, the sleep during that following night a little shorter.

He was so tired of it all, and with every day that passed him by, it was pushing Kip closer to the realization that he finally had to do something about things. Before the pain was too paralyzing, before the thoughts became too much. Before he just couldn’t do anything about it anymore, before it was all too late.

“…Hey? Kip?”

The Brit blinked blankly a few times, finally registering the voice calling out to him after the words had been repeated a few times. His eyes slowly dragged away from the television screen, facing the brunet sitting on the couch next to him, Chuck looking at him with worry and concern. It was almost adorable to Kip how his brows furrowed and eyes darted around his facial features in clear worry. Almost.

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

Chuck sighed, Kip trying to offer him an apologetic smile as he watched Chuck running a hand through his hair, eyes turning away from the other man again as he shook his head a little. Kip had been too deep in his own head, with his own thoughts to notice Chuck had even tried to talk to him, the guilt almost immediately gnawing on him at the mere thought. He was supposed to try to pay attention to him, to try to make Chuck realize the situation, how close they were, to understand his feelings, to close the gap, to --

“I just wanted to know if you were hungry. We could order something in, maybe. If you’d like.”

For once Kip was thankful that Chuck wasn’t looking straight at him, his cheeks flushing red for a brief moment as he registered the words. Ordering food? Together? At his place, like this, out of the blue? For the first time?

It almost sounded like a date night proposal in Kip’s ears.

He quickly shook the thought from his head, turning away from Chuck to make sure he didn’t even by accident catch a glimpse of the blush decorating his face, desperately trying to not have the words caught in his throat, only partially succeeding.

“Ye-yeah that would be great.”

Chuck was so sincere about this question, just like he always was about everything, he was probably just hungry himself, and Kip was overthinking it all. Once again. But also, what if…

“Great. What would you like to eat?” Chuck’s words cut Kip’s thought process off again, his eyes slowly returning to the other man, watching Chuck pull his phone out of his pocket, eyes landing onto it, seemingly to avoid eye contact with Kip, who just shrugged a little. “I don’t know. Whatever sounds good.”

Chuck’s brows furrowed, suddenly looking back at Kip, making the Brit jump a little. This wasn’t the kind of reaction Kip had expected to his words, swallowing a little surprise lump in his throat as all of a sudden he was very unsure again where this was going. He hated nothing more than the unpredictable nature of their relationship, not being able to read Chuck at moments like this, mostly due to his own emotions and thoughts clouding his judgment and understanding of what the situation called for from him.

“…Okay, I’m going to be fully honest with you.”

The suddenly rather serious tone of Chuck’s voice made Kip’s eyes widen a little, he could feel his whole body tensing up at the sudden shift. Chuck offered him a small smile, most likely in hopes of trying to calm down Kip’s very obviously surprised demeanor, but seeing that smile just made Kip’s whole mind skip another beat instead.

“I’ve been worried about you recently. I actually talked with Penelope yesterday after I left, and she feels much the same way as I do.”

Chuck? Worried? About him? Chuck? Kip’s head was spinning, but he just nodded his head, not even acknowledging the fact that Chuck was also talking about Penelope being involved in this. All Kip cared about was that Chuck was thinking about him, outside of this room, outside of this couch, when he wasn’t around.

Chuck was thinking, and talking, about him.

“You’ve been… Seemingly getting worse each day I see you. You lack sleep, you lack food, you lack energy. I understand you are in a lot of pain with the shoulder and all, but you need to take care of yourself, Kip. Mine and Penelope’s help will only get you so far.”

Kip just looked at him quietly, trying to process the statement in his head, but all his thoughts retracted back to the overall realization that Chuck was worried about him. Thinking about him. That Chuck at least seemed to care more than he led on directly to him, at least before this very moment at hand.

“If there’s something wrong that you need help with, other than what we have been providing so far, you shouldn’t be afraid to ask, you know?”

Kip felt his head nodding itself, despite not approving of the movement in his mind. He was running on a practiced autopilot, still afraid that one casual movement might fuck all this up for him, not being the kind of response that Chuck wanted. This seemed to be enough for the brunet for now though as Chuck nodded back at him, eyes slowly returning to the phone in his hand. Right, he was ordering food. Right.

“So, again: what do you want to eat today? You can get anything you want, as long as it makes you eat. We just want to make sure you take care of yourself.”

At the same time it was endearing that Chuck was doing this for him, but Kip also knew he had to put a stop to this, all of it. While yes his current and constantly worsening condition was making him neglect his own basic needs, both which directly as a result affected his appetite and energy levels, Kip knew that trying to eat some proper food one day wasn’t the answer to his problems. Above all else, his condition was making it not only difficult to breathe, but the pain in his chest and particularly in his lungs made eating at this point a near impossible task.

As the silence from the Brit continued, Chuck glanced towards him, spotting Kip just looking back at him. Whether he was deep in thought or just staring, Chuck wasn’t quite sure.

“Kip?”

“I’m not hungry.”

At least it wasn’t a lie in a sense. Chuck raised a brow at him, slowly lowering the hand holding his phone onto his lap, eyes narrowing a little. Chuck’s eyes lingered on him just a little bit too long, forcing Kip to look away, back towards the television with the frozen game pause screen on it.

“You need to eat something.”

“Food can’t fix this.”

Kip could feel the confusion radiating from Chuck’s face, probably his entire being at this point, but he just couldn’t look back at him. It was so much easier for Kip to process his thoughts if he wasn’t looking at what he was sure was a very worried expression on the brunet sitting on the couch a few feet away from him.

He heard Chuck sigh. Not a very good sign.

“If you eat something, you get energy. You feel better. I shouldn’t need to explain all this to you. Kip, please --”

“This isn’t about food.”

Chuck fell silent as Kip cut him off, probably a bit more aggressively than necessary, but he was tired of this. All of this. Both his inability to do anything about the situation even though he desperately, so very desperately needed it, and the way they both seemed to just dance around the topic and the issues at hand. To Kip, Chuck offering to order him food was nothing but a detour that he couldn’t afford to wait to take to where he eventually needed to be. Kip had suffered long enough, mostly due to his own faults, yes, but Chuck jumping in to push his buttons like this, while a step in the right direction, wasn’t a fast enough track to where they needed to be.

Where Kip needed to be if he wanted to make it through all of this, it seemed like.

“…Are you mad at me?”

Kip’s eyes narrowed a little, but he still didn’t turn to look towards Chuck. All he heard was another quiet sigh.

“I don’t know how many times I can apologize for what happened. You know it was an accident. I’m sorry --”

“I don’t want you to apologize. I don’t care about that.”

If something, it was supposed to be Kip who apologized for everything, and he knew that painfully well.

“Then what is it?”

Kip swallowed thickly, being absolutely certain that Chuck could not only see it but also hear him do it. Kip’s eyes slowly dragged back to him, watching the confusion all over the brunet’s face. If the situation wasn’t so dire and heavy, Kip would have found the look on him endearing. Right now though, seeing Chuck not put the pieces together so easily, filled him with dread instead, along with the knowledge that Kip knew exactly what he needed to do next and the can of worms that he needed to open if he ever wanted to have a shot at things getting better again.

“I need…” Kip stopped, the confusion on Chuck’s face slowly melting into a more expecting look. Both of them were still clearly hesitant, Chuck not knowing what to expect out of him and Kip not being so sure how he was going to phrase this so it made even some sort of sense.

Just say it.

“I… I need you to kiss me.”

The silence that fell into the room felt like it was knocking all the remaining air out of Kip. The longer he looked at Chuck and the unreadable look lingering on his face after the words slipped out of Kip’s mouth, the worse he felt about everything. For once he was being honest about this entire situation and what he wanted out of it, and yet it felt like a worse mistake than anything he had lied to Chuck about so far.

He wanted this. He needed this. This was the trigger Kip had been so afraid to pull for so long now, but he knew that if he didn’t finally say those words, no matter the reaction, it would have terrible consequences for him. He was already suffering, the roots of his problem crawling deeper into his lungs every single day he put it off without even trying to make anything out of it. Kip was tired of it, he was suffering immensely because of it, he just needed to do something. Anything.

After what felt like forever of Chuck just staring at him, Kip was snapped out of his thoughts as Chuck took in a sharp breath, the only way Kip was able to describe his expression being polite confusion.

“You, uh… You what?”

Not sure if Chuck was just making sure or if he really hadn’t understood the statement, Kip bit his lower lip as he turned away from the other man. He inhaled slowly, preparing himself to say those words again. Kip did it once, he could do it again. It was a necessary step forward.

“I-I need. To kiss you. You to kiss me. So-something like that.”

As Chuck didn’t reply for a while, Kip stole a quick glance towards him, trying to gather an overview of the situation. Much to his surprise, Chuck looked like he was in deep thought for a second, as if he was pondering over the request. At least he wasn’t outright denying it from Kip, which in turn as he realized it, made his heart jump back into his throat.

The burning as Kip nervously waited for an answer was worse than the thorns poking inside of his lungs at the moment.

“Would that help? Make you feel better?”

Kip nodded almost instantly, the motion almost frantic, something he couldn’t control. Still clearly in his thoughts, Chuck nodded as well.

“I mean,” he muttered, a hand slowly reaching closer to Kip, the Brit’s focus turning on it with slightly widening eyes, “If… If it helps. I guess.”

Kip watched his hand stopping to hover close to him, slowly his own hand reaching for it. He could feel Chuck’s fingers gently wrapping around his hand, giving it a little tuck, an invitation to come closer. Kip followed suit, shifting over on the couch to slowly make his way to sit down right next to Chuck. For the first time since they had started doing this, for the first time since Chuck had started to spend the days over to keep him company. There had always been a cold, untouched gap between the two of them on the couch, but this was the first time it had been broken, filled, fixed.

And all it took was a small request that Kip should have been able to do in the first place, but it took him weeks and actual concern from Chuck to get to this point.

But there he was now, Chuck still gently holding his hand, running this thumb over his knuckles. A soft, still kind of unsure smile crossing his lips as he was looking Kip straight in the eyes. Chuck clearly wasn’t budging back on this, honestly much to Kip’s surprise, as his free hand slowly crept up to the Brit’s face, palm pressing against his cheek. Chuck’s hand was surprisingly cold against his flushed skin.

“…You sure?”

It was almost as if Chuck was asking that from himself more than Kip, but he pushed the thought aside, just nodding his head again. Without another word, Chuck leaned closer, finally closing the gap that had been antagonizing Kip these past few weeks without remorse, locking their lips together.

The kiss was awkward and hesitant at first, but slowly it felt more natural as they both seemed to relax into it. Soft and homey, but Kip could taste his own desperation in it despite all of it. He knew how badly he not only wanted, but needed this. While he could have joked that it was the matter of life and death, to him it was actually no joke, but merely the cruel reality he barely understood himself at all. Feeling Chuck’s lips finally against his, after the excruciatingly long amount of time of craving and needing nothing more than to taste him so desperately he was suffering from the withdrawals more and more every day, Kip’s mind went blank. He could feel Chuck close, hear his breathing, slowly allowing himself to enjoy it, running a thumb over Kip’s cheek.

Kip had been waiting for this moment for so long, craving for this so badly, that he needed more now that he finally had it, pushing the boundaries first as he found himself without a single coherent thought giving a small bite on Chuck’s lower lip, a silent, desperate request for a deeper kiss. A deeper meaning.

A request that was granted to him, but was also almost immediately and far too fast ripped away from him as Chuck suddenly jolted away, as if he had suddenly in the midst of all of this realized what he was doing and thought better of it.

Eyes opening as Kip felt the hand disappear from his face, he leaned slightly back, watching in emotions swimming in disappointment and confusion as Chuck’s eyes were suddenly on his phone again, the piece of tech buzzing on his lap, suddenly demanding his attention. Almost as if it was mocking Kip and how close he had finally gotten.

“So-sorry, I have to take this.”

Kip just nodded, feeling the body heat of the other man disappearing from around him as Chuck’s hand left his, grabbing a hold of the phone before he stood up, answering the sudden call. He could still salvage this, it wasn’t all lost. Chuck hadn’t denied him this, by the way he was acting it was obvious to Kip that this wasn’t just all in his head. Maybe the kiss had been brief, but there was compassion behind it, he was very gentle about it, there --

“What do you mean that was today?”

Kip’s eyes slowly traveled up to Chuck, watching the brunet run a hand over his face as he sighed. “Yeah I know, I know you need me there for that, just… I was kinda in the middle of something…”

The silence that followed that statement and the way Chuck couldn’t look back at Kip made a familiar lump climb its way back in his throat. Kip tried to cough it out quietly, not to attract attention to himself, just watching as Chuck stepped a little bit further away from him.

“I can be there in twenty minutes, I guess. …Alright, I’ll see you then.”

As he hung up the call, Chuck didn’t even need to say anything. He was sure Kip had heard most of it, and the apologetic eyes and the small smile he offered to him as he finally turned back towards the Brit really didn’t help the case.

“Sorry, I completely forgot we had a photoshoot to do today, I… I gotta go.”

Kip nodded his head, but remained silent as he stood up from the couch. At least this was a start, they were going somewhere. He had put at least part of his desires out there, for Chuck to reach out and react to, if nothing else. This was a beginning, hopefully for the better. Kip wasn’t sure how fast he was supposed to be feeling the effects of his love and affections being returned to him, but so far he was blaming the sick feeling in his throat on the sudden change of pace in the room rather than Chuck not returning his feelings like before.

Maybe he had read all of this wrong. Maybe the sickness had caught up with him just because he didn’t know this was mutual. That had to be it, right?

Kip walked him to the door, Chuck turning back to him again as he rested his hand on the door handle.

“Look, I’m really sorry I have to go, I just completely forgot about this. You know, with having to worry about you and all.”

Kip could feel a smile tucking the corner of his lips, allowing at least a part of it to show. As sad as he was having to watch Chuck walk away yet again without a resolution to this whole problem, at least there was hope. Chuck smiled back at him, leaning closer to press a quick little peck on Kip’s lips, catching the Brit off guard, leaving him looking back at him with wide eyes as Chuck opened the door, stepping outside.

“I’ll see you again tomorrow, alright?”

Kip could only nod before Chuck closed the door, leaving him standing there, heart racing and beating loudly between his ears. Kip leaned against the closed door, inhaling deeply before he sighed, the content smile on his lips only wiped away as he coughed softly, eyes shooting open to witness the handful of purple tinted rose petals he let out of his mouth.

No.

Chuck Taylor still didn’t love him.

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“…Are you sure it’s him?”

Cassidy shrugged his shoulders a little. “I mean, who else could it be? Besides, he has photos of himself that he signs and hands out and a big board on the table with the name ‘Kip Sabian’ on it, so…”

Chuck sighed, running a hand over his face before rolling his eyes. “You could have led with that information, you know.”

Cassidy didn’t reply back to him, just observed the brunet on the couch through his sunglasses. “I thought you would have known. Aren’t you two friends or something?”

Chuck avoided looking directly back at him, trying to make it seem like the question didn’t sting. He hadn’t seen Kip since that day, he never opened the door when Chuck came over the following day or answered any of his calls or texts since. He had been living in complete darkness over what had actually happened with Kip, even Penelope refused to tell him anything apart from a general ‘he’s fine’ every time Chuck asked her something.

“I told you, that was months ago.”

Cassidy just nodded, stopping to observe Chuck as the other man just tried to focus back on lacing his boots. After a long, lingering silence the blond broke it as he spoke up again.

“Do you want to go see him?”

Chuck stopped, eyes slowly dragging up to Cassidy again. He seemed sincere in that question, and if Chuck was being honest, that had been the first thought in his mind since Cassidy had waltzed into the locker room with the news that Kip had been sighted inside the building. The premise seemed rather odd to him, but at the same time, he wouldn’t have put something like that past Kip. A silent man with a suit and a cardboard box on his head, doing a signing that hadn’t been advertised for anyone beforehand. Sounded like it was just down Kip’s alley, in some really weird way, to him.

“Is he still there?”

“Probably,” Cassidy shrugged again. “He seemed to be just setting up when we went into the cafeteria like twenty minutes ago. I doubt he has left yet.”

While he wasn’t quite sure how to take any of it, let alone how Kip was going to take it if he showed up, Chuck nodded a little, still a bit hesitant. Cassidy mirrored the movement, before nodding his head towards the locker room door, asking Chuck to follow him. Not that he didn’t know where the cafeteria was in the building, they had walked past it when they had entered earlier, but maybe his hesitance was on the surface enough that Cassidy thought taking the lead was going to make him regret this less. Make it easier for him.

Chuck followed Cassidy outside, tracking through the hallways for a moment before they arrived at their destination. It was extremely easy to spot the individual not belonging into the group of people in the big, bright, well-lit room, the man standing in the middle of it all by a large table messed up with multiple scattered photos around it, hands behind his suited back as he was observing the room through the eye holes poked on a box over his head.

Chuck swallowed thickly. It didn’t matter if he didn’t see his face, all that was enough for him to recognize him immediately, no matter how many months it had been since or how much things had changed between now and then.

He was so focused on reading the words on the front of the box that Chuck didn’t notice the eyes inside of it land on him. The distance made it a bit harder, sure, but the lights were bright enough and the dark circles surrounding the eyes made them pop for Cassidy to notice the stare at first, even if it wasn’t directed at him.

“Hey,” he muttered, carefully elbowing Chuck to the side to get his attention. “He sees you. I think you should at least go say hello.”

Blinking himself back to the situation, Chuck glanced at Cassidy on his side, the blond just shrugging at him a little. Maybe Chuck’s nervousness was obvious, maybe Cassidy quickly put two and two together from what Chuck had told him before about how their last meeting had ended, but he only sighed, once again leading the way towards the man in a suit and the box, Kip’s eyes never leaving Chuck as they approached. Chuck on the other hand tried to look at everything except him, until he was stopped to stand right in front of the other man he hadn’t seen in months until now.

Through the eye holes of the box Chuck could see his vacant stare just blankly staring back at him, saying it all without saying anything at the same time. Kip looked at him briefly, before providing a photo from the inside pocket of his suit jacket, pulling a marker seemingly out of nowhere along with it. He scribbled something quickly on the photo, handing it to Cassidy, and walked away without looking back or acknowledging either of them further.

Cassidy looked at the photo for a moment before handing it over to Chuck. It was an old promo picture of Kip, in his Superbad gear, with his face crossed over with a red marker and some messy text scribbled next to him.

‘Time changes us all. Embrace the change.’

#setting: hanahaki #fic #character: kip sabian #character: chuck taylor #character: orange cassidy #ship: chuckkip #fic: you wanna wish away your sins #aew fanfiction #wrestling fanfiction

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logically-asexual · 5 months

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Love like you

summary:

Betterfly finds himself in a confrontation with Shadybug and Claw Noir inside the Agreste Mansion of the alternate universe they traveled to. Nathalie is in her bedroom processing the fact that Gabriel has finally lost it. Their journeys unexpectedly cross when Betterfly akumatizes Nathalie by accident.

Read on AO3

Chapter 2

| First | | Next |

words: 1,920

Nathalie tried to escape from the thoughts that stung her brain like thorns on a vine wrapping ever more tightly around it by picturing something, anything, that would be calming.

She tried to imagine herself alone, taking a vacation somewhere in a fancy room with a view of… mountains, she decided. Tall mountains with peaks covered in snow. She could open the wide windows and enjoy the cold air against her cheeks. She pictured snowy slopes where people could ski. Nathalie always liked gearing up and feeling ready to face the elements and whatever nature would throw at her.

“You’re crazy,” she heard a voice say. “I prefer the beach; you need nothing more than a hat and a fresh drink. Now, that is true freedom.”

Nathalie turned away from the glass to see Emilie standing next to her. She was bundled up in blankets and sweaters and held a map in her hands. She looked up at her with those trusting green eyes, confident that Nathalie could solve any problem in the entire world if she wanted, now that she was helping Emilie start a family.

She was wrong, though. Nathalie couldn’t fix anything. All she ever did was take whatever idea existed already and make it happen faster. If only she could have good ideas of her own, instead of spending over fifteen years of her life following Gabriel’s. She helped Emilie start a family and then catalyzed every step in the process to destroy it.

Nathalie shoved the whole picture away and refocused on the present, sitting up on her bed. Her face still felt cold. It was due to tear tracks on it coming into contact with the breeze from outside. Her forehead was tense, stuck in a frown she couldn’t get rid of. She felt exhausted but her entire body still hurt too much to even think of resting, let alone sleeping.

And then, a change.

In a moment all her muscles loosened. She wasn’t any more relaxed, though. It felt like when she had to wear one of Gabriel’s dresses to an event with strong, restrictive boning that held her upright with no effort on her part, but after hours of wearing it all she wanted was to break out of the structure and curl up in a ball.

Mentally the sensation wasn’t much different. Her emotions didn’t go away, but braced themselves. A sense of impending doom paralyzed her while urging her to get ready for… something. To defend or attack against some not-yet-known threat.

She knew this feeling. That goddamn asshole.

“Nathalie,” she heard from within her head.

Why did he sound surprised? Or maybe this was his attempt to appear compassionate. Yeah, right.

He only ever listened to her when she said what he wanted to hear. She had realized this a long time ago and adapted to it. But it was a mistake because now, the one time she thought she had the solution, he didn’t listen. He also never cared about how she felt, or about how his actions could ever harm her. And now here they were.

Few times in her life she had felt like this, like she would do anything just for a meteorite to fall into her bedroom and free her from existence. Maybe something less dramatic. Maybe she only wished the illness from the broken miraculous would just take her already. Sadly she couldn’t really want that since still had much to do. She didn’t know yet how but she couldn’t give up on Adrien, who needed her now more than ever. She was just… tired. Her body was stuck in the same position but she was now shaking. All she could intentionally move were her eyes but she couldn’t even see much through the wells of tears in them.

In truth, all she wanted was one night by herself to try to at least sleep some of the worst of it off. Yet this had to be the night Gabriel chose to take advantage of her pain. Mere hours after betraying both Emilie and Nathalie, after deciding to send Adrien away for a year and not realizing he had the wrong kid because his madness was more important to him than his own son.

She had been too worried about Adrien to do anything other than return home as quickly as possible, but she had imagined instead going to find Gabriel, grab him by the collar and shake some sense into him. Then rip the purple brooch off his chest and pulverize it beyond repair under her heel. But she had to keep it together. For Adrien.

However, what just happened proved that she wasn’t strong enough. How could she help another person when she couldn’t keep herself composed for one day? Adrien deserved better than that.

Usually she could pin her hopes of a better world on Gabriel. She certainly couldn’t expect it from herself. Today proved neither of them could be trusted. And now he decided to betray her one more time and use her suffering for… what for? What was taking him so long?

Nathalie had lost track of time but she was very aware that it passed by the fact that the burning on her skin was only increasing and not finding any release. The pent up anger enhanced by akumatization should be channeled through a magical power and directed by a mission assigned by the butterfly holder. She had neither of those. Only emotions boiling in a pressure cooker about to explode but refusing to.

With exhaustive effort she managed to say, “Gabriel, what the fuck are you doing?”

It didn’t come off as strong as she wanted, the volume wasn’t above a whisper and her voice cracked, but the impact was there, because she could hear him gasp on the other end.

Betterfly’s astonishment was only increased when he heard Nathalie call him by his real name. That was this world’s Nathalie, not his own, and neither of them had any reason to know who Betterfly was.

He should have called the kamiko back, but the kids were about to escape and he couldn’t let them. In an attempt to distract the heroes, Shadybug summoned an entire car and threw it in their direction. They managed to dodge it and the car went straight and crashed into the wall. The wall behind which Nathalie apparently was.

What was left standing of the wall and the ceiling above it began to shake. Betterfly looked up following dust that had fallen on his face to find cracks spread up and to the sides of the building terrifyingly quickly.

Behind him, Ladybug announced that the house would fall over them if they didn’t get out, and shouted to Cat Noir to follow her. The boy seemed hesitant, but Ladybug grabbed and pulled him before a concrete slab fell from the roof to the center of the room, where Cat Noir had been standing. Betterfly told them to run out and get to safety. Unlike him, they still had a clear path to the exit. His own was blocked now by more and more debris. Shadybug and Claw Noir were already gone.

He ran in the opposite direction, straight towards Nathalie. He stepped through the hole in the wall and spotted her on the bed, luckily still unharmed.

He was thrown off by the fact that she looked just like his own Nathalie did years ago when they first met, but her current demeanor was nothing he’d seen on her before. She was looking at the rubble with wide eyes, though they weren’t quite focused, as if she was frightened by something more than the crash itself. She sat on her bed with her knees drawn close to her chest. Her bun was messy, as if she had been pulling on her hair. She was also shaking. Probably due to shock, Betterfly thought, before he remembered the kamiko.

The floor quaked as the structure continued collapsing.

“Nathalie!” he cried, “get us out of here!” He didn’t manage to be more specific as he made his way towards her as fast as he could.

With that instruction, Nathalie was enveloped in a dark purple foam. It soon diffused into the air and left the woman in a suit that resembled that of a pilot, with metallic skin, robotic motions, and an emotionless expression.

Nathalie finally felt a sense of relief that started on her chest and flowed to her shoulders, along her arms, and up to the tips of her fingers, where the tension that was leaving gathered and manifested into a spark of electricity. The glow spread, barely tingling the outermost layer of the silver skin, across the surface of her palms, which she extended away from herself. The light sprung away from her hands to form a bright white disc in front of her.

She felt arms surround her and then she was being carried through the portal.

Betterfly retrieved the kamiko and the portal closed. The roar of the crumbling building was abruptly cut off, and all one could hear was Nathalie’s coughing as she fell to her knees. She seemed to be in a lot of pain, with her eyes scrunched closed and her mouth desperately gasping for air in between the coughs. Gabriel had never seen Nathalie like this. She had always appeared strong, confident… invulnerable.

He watched her warily from a meter away. He wanted to help but he had no idea how. Maybe a comforting touch on her shoulder, to at least remind her he was there, as she had done for him many times before. The execution of this idea was prevented, though, when Nathalie finally spoke.

“Why are you doing this to me, Gabriel?”

She was now sobbing.

And she had said his name again.

All he could reply with was a dumbfounded, “What?”

She turned to him forcefully and looked at him with red eyes obscured by dark circles under them. For a moment she seemed about to snap at him, but her glare faltered and she stumbled backwards, catching herself with one arm to not fall on her back.

Nathalie realized that this wasn’t Gabriel, nor Monarch. His voice sounded just like him, and he looked like him, but the man in front of her was still completely different.

Looking around her, she found herself still in her bedroom, but it was also different. The shape of the construction was the same, as was the color of the paint and the positioning of the bookshelves and the fireplace, but there wasn’t any of her other furniture.

The space looked more like a library or a study. Instead of a bed, there was a table with many books. All of the books were clearly more neatly organized than the ones she had on every available surface (Nathalie had her own system, something Gabriel’s cleaning staff never understood). There weren’t any of the antique items she collected through the years hunting for the miraculous, and there was only one framed picture over the fireplace of Gabriel, Emilie and Adrien taken in a photographic studio. They also looked… different.

“Light wings, fall.”

She turned back and standing there was the man in the picture.

Her breathing had been too shallow for too long. Her brain was probably not getting enough oxygen and now she was hallucinating. That was probably it. This theory was only proved for Nathalie a second later when everything went black.

| First | | Next |

#nathalie sancoeur #gabriel agreste #gabenath #miraculous ladybug #mlb #miraculous lb #betterfly #miraculous world #lunas writing

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semiverbal-culture-is · 1 year

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Went on date with partner yesterday. It was good. Really tired though because so much social stuff. Usually speak more but tired. Make sense? Hope so. Might nap later. Enjoyed date, very fun. Super tired though. Mentally exhausted? Maybe. Feels weird having less verbal ability than normal. Force self to talk feels bad. Anon on because scared of hate and mean people. Misunderstanding people might be mean.

Aw glad you had a fun date anon! And yeah I totally get what you're saying.

For me being both chronically ill and autistic sucks for going out because while it can be fun in the moment it takes days to recover. Can completely relate to that.

Rest up and do whatever works for you to recharge! And for next time maybe consider using some AAC? Whatever would work best for you <3

#not semiverbal culture

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riotbrrrd · 4 months

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Probably could have answered your really interesting essay dissecting that completely point missing review of Uglies with another essay answearing all your points, but was tired this day... and what stuck the most with me was the part about Dr. Cable specifically choosing Shay and her cult because with their self harm they are so much more useful to her as super soldiers because they already proved that they are unstable enough and value their own physical and emotional well-being little enough to go die for her in wars or something on a whim. (And then Tally was pulled into it because of her eating disorder and also because of Shays creepy crush friendship revenge on her).

Because I totally interpreted it this way too, and it also was fairly obvious for me too, but also I was not sure how much of this is in the book and how much of it is just my interpretation. Glad to see it "confirmed".

Dr. Cable is a master manipulator and probably the best tactician in the books, of course she would notice how useful self-destructive tendencies and mentally ill people seeing working for her as a way out of their misery is useful for her. And of course Shay would, and Tally, who IMO is not that good with people even more, not really understand that and think she chose them for being so smart and special instead - and the book is from Tallys view, so of course on the surface it says this.

I mean yeah, there are flaws to the self-harm and eating disorder representation in it, actual people who had these problems and read it said so - but its not exactly promoted either. The books say so in the text.

No problem, we can continue to ramble under Another Uglies Post!

I haven't read these books again in some time, to my memory of it it's never said explicitely yeah, but it feels very obvious especially in the way she admits defeat towards the end, "special specials" and all that. I also think what really drives the point is the perspective shift when Tally gets arrested and discovers just how much she's been built to absorb impacts. And then she dislocates her shoulders on purpose??? like. I actually can't remember if it's fully on purpose, but I do remember that she does Not handle the pain of it normally.

But yeah, by that point, both of those girls are operating on a brainwash made to make them arrogant over another brainwash meant to make them compete for attention. So as we're experiencing the story through Tally's point of view, we are seeing her brain make the kind of logical jumps that make sense from someone who's been a little bit programmed to think she would be Chosen in a crowd!

And, you know, I want to be indulgent and say maybe it's just because we're obsessed with these books and have read them many times, maybe on one reading it's not that obvious, but. There's really A Lot of these books that is textually asking, which parts of a personality are genuine and which parts are the result of outside influence, and can you ever feel the difference? So idk, I think it's fairly obvious that you aren't supposed to take every word of it as authorial endorsement but understand that the characters adopt different, sometimes even contradictory points of view over the course of the series, not because those points of view are good but because they don't/can't know any better or because they have been made to. So I don't think it's that easy to miss.

#then again. I do remember that I tried to make my mom read them and she didn't like them because 'there is too much philosophy in them'#so you know! sometimes a book is not for everyone #but in the case of that video essay I think the person really just. wanted to read something else and couldn't get past the feeling #and it caused them to get very hung up on things in a way they wouldn't have otherwise #but anyway!

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puffpasstea · 2 years

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Could you please do a blurb where Matilda’s maybe not looking after herself when he’s away on tour and he finds out? I LOVE all your writing so much!!!

Hiii, babes 🥰

Sure thing! Thanks so much for reading!

——

The sudden vibrations of my phone startled me. I slapped the surface, feeling around the coffee table until I caught it. Reading the caller ID, I smiled for the first time in four days.

“Hey, do I have any underwear left at your place?” Harry’s voice on the other end of the line made calm wash over me.

“W-what?”

“I’m just about to leave the airport. Was thinking I’d get dropped off at your place instead of mine but, we’ll, I need a shower and…”

“Oh. You’re back?”

“Haven’t you seen any of the texts I sent you?”

I’d completely forgotten that Harry was coming back into town today. While I, did, no doubt, miss him a lot, I wasn’t feeling like myself and didn’t want him to see me like this. Should I just ask him not to come? I hated this feeling. The desire to be around people wrestling with the feeling that you’d be better off alone.

“Uh- I guess not. Anyway, yeah. There’s a drawer of your stuff here.”

Harry clearly sensed my apprehension. “You alright, Matilda?”

An automatic smile stretched my lips at the hearing of nickname.

“Yeah, all good. See you soon?”

“In about 25 minutes or so.”

Twenty five minutes were just enough for me to try and get myself to look as normal as possible. I knew Harry would likely be tired and jet lagged. The fact that he’d chosen to come over instead of heading straight home meant the world to me. Even if I wasn’t able to feel it right now. I’m sure that once my emotions came back, I’d be grateful for his visit.

It didn’t take much to tidy up my place, but that’s mainly because there wasn’t much to tidy up;) I hadn’t really cooked, or done anything at all for the past few days. Too paralyzed with depression and anxiety since Harry left. I gathered the empty cups and takeout containers from my week of ordering out and took the trash out, straightening any stray pillows and picking up misplaced items on my way back into the living room.

I headed into my bedroom to change out of my pajamas and into something a little more put together. I was caught off-guard by the reflection of myself in the mirror. Looking into my own eyes, I knew I liked miserable. No amount of makeup could hide the fact that I’m seriously struggling to feel anything at all right now.

I hated this. I have a good life. Really, I do. I know that I have been luckier in life than many people ever will be. And most days, I was able to appreciate that and push through the struggle just fine. But then there were other days. Days like today. Everything felt so overwhelming. I didn’t feel deserving of any of the luck that I’d had. In fact, I felt guilty for having as good a life as I do, thinking that I haven’t done anything to earn these things that I somehow came my way. Most of all, I felt guilty for even feeling guilty. For making Harry HAVE to comfort me, help me, and be considerate of my fragile and often-changing emotional states. I hated that my mental illness made me a less reliable person. I wished I could be more present for him. Or supportive. Or be as much of a positive influence on his life as he is on mine. I didn’t want to ruin his night by making him have to deal with me after the long flight that he’d had. I needed him to see me as someone other than a broken person crippled with her own mental pain.

I put on the first jeans and shirt I could find and practiced my smile in the mirror s few times. I was going to do my best to shield him from the weight of my emotions. It’s not HIS problem that I’m mentally unhealthy.

I boiled some water and rummaged around my cabinets for that herbal tea he likes to drink at night, pairing it with some fruit that I’d bought on a good day when I’d felt optimistic about changing my eating habits. Moments later, I heard him knock on the door.

“MATILDAA!!!” He beamed in mock-screaming, setting his luggage down and offering me a massive hug before he’d even made it through the door.

My face was too squished into his hoodie for him to see it. The scent of his aftershave flooded my mind, making me smile into the fabric of his clothes and inhale deeper, hoping to absorb every last remaining trace of that smell.

“How was your flight?” I asked with my back to him once we were in the kitchen.

“It was alright. As okay as a long flight could be. You know.” He shrugged, picking up and apple and biting into it.

“You hungry? I could whip something up, or we could order in.” I was going through the mental list I’d made of things to bring up to appear normal.

“Nah. I really just came here for the here for the sex.” He spoke with an even tone between mouthfuls of apple. Thank god I was still facing away from him because I could feel the blushing spread all over my face.

“I’m kidding, relax.” He giggled when my silence went on for a moment. “I just wanted to see you.” His voice sounded deeper, more serous now.

He tossed the remaining core of the apple into the trash and approached me, standing directly behind me and placing his hands over my shoulders. “I missed you. Is it okay if I say that?” A drop of uncertainty laced his voice.

“I- uh. Yeah.” I didn’t want to face him. I felt badly about not being able to reciprocate his emotional openness right now and I knew that if I looked into his eyes, he’d be able to tell. He spun me around and put a finger underneath my chin, urging me to raise my eyes to his.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

He’d already picked up on my stiffness.

“Nothing, what do you mean?” I wiggled out of his arms and walked away.

“It’s not nothin.’ C’mon tell me.”

“I’ll go get your clothes so you can shower…”

I’d started to walk away but Harry grabbed my arm gently, but firmly, and stopped me.

“You can tell me anything.” He stated.

I relented, letting him pull me closer.

“There’s nothing to tell, Harry. It’s just-it’s nothing. Never mind.”

“It’s just what?” He was insistent, his grip on my arm staying tight.

“It’s nothing new. You know how it is with me. Just don’t feel great, mentally. But when has that not been the case, you know….”

“Oh, honey. I’m sorry.” He hugged me tight enough against his chest that I could hear his heartbeat. Even though I was snug against his body, I still felt exposed and vulnerable.

“It’s no big deal. It’s always like this with me.” I attempted to deflect, uncomfortable with the intensity of the moment.

“Just cuz it happens a lot, doesn’t make it any less difficult.”

We stood there for a moment, Harry’s arms wrapped around me, before he pulled away and led me to the living room.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He sat down on the couch next to me.

“N-not really. I- I don’t mean to be difficult it’s just there’s nothing to say. There’s no reason i feel this way. I just DO.”

“That’s okay. Have you at least been doing your checklist stuff? Exercise and food and all that?”

Harry had developed a directness and an ease around these conversations that instantly made me feel less alone. By not dancing around the subject, he made me feel less self-conscious about the sensitivity of the issue. I wasn’t even sure he was aware of how much of a difference it made, or if it was intentional, but I was certainly grateful.

I simply shook my head.

“Oh, babe. You know we can’t have that. Why didn’t you tell me? I asked you everyday!”

“Cuz I know you! I know you’d try to fix it. Even from thousands of miles away. “

He rolled his eyes, clearly unimpressed with my reasoning.

“Well I’m here now, so I AM gonna fix it. And you will not try and stop me. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

A mischievous smile lit up his face.

#ask #harry styles #matilda #dom!harry #harry styles blurb

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tinnchan · 2 years

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I think what some people who are constantly repeating that “Jiwoo should’ve just talked to Seojoon” aren’t realizing that for some people that feels impossible. Jiwoo clearly has just as much trauma and mental health problems as Seojoon, but they present differently because they are different people. From the beginning of the show whenever Jiwoo pushed Seojoon away I just felt like he was terrified and was desperately hiding behind walls he built for himself, and I felt like these episodes proved it. Jiwoo had got it in his head that he was a burden to Seojoon, that he was inconveniencing his life and career for Jiwoo and that Jiwoo was holding Seojoon back from living his full life. And Jiwoo probably didn’t want to say that because his biggest fear was that Seojoon would say he was right. And so he left in a self destructive manner thinking Seojoon would get over it bc he had so much more life around him than Jiwoo ever did.

When Seojoon came to the village with his lil antics I think he panicked. We don’t know exactly what he was feeling at that point, but I wouldn’t be surprised if at first he thought Seojoon was just there bc Seojoon isn’t the type of person who can just leave things open. Or once Jiwoo got wind of some scandal he thought maybe Seojoon needed to lie low and was just bored and that’s why he showed up. I don’t think he let himself think that Seojoon was there because he loves him, even if all the signs were there because Jiwoo is very proud but very insecure. He can’t let himself realize he messed up bc it would break him, and he can’t imagine that he could be so important to someone so he had to keep denying it.

I think that’s why he lashed out especially hard after the kiss too, he felt like he had messed up again by letting Seojoon in. He was seriously panicking. And when he panics he withdraws within and attacks anyone who tries to reach him. Even if he realized Seojoon still loved him he was convinced Seojoon would move on eventually, that their relationship had an expiration date, and that he was a burden and Seojoon would realize that eventually. Was he cruel? Yes of course. Was that acceptable? No not at all. Do I think it’s a realistic portrayal of someone with Jiwoo’s issues? Yep. And I also think they can get back together and that Jiwoo isn’t some awful person who doesn’t deserve Seojoon (I also don’t really believe in the concept of “deserving” someone but that’s another conversation). I think people often ask for realistic portrayal of mental illness and then get angry at characters for acting in ways that hurt others bc of their mental illness. And don’t get me wrong, illness isn’t an excuse for being cruel, but I dont think anything on this show has made Jiwoo irredeemable or made him unworthy of Seojoon’s love or made their relationship impossible. Anyway that was a lot of stream of consciousness so I hope it makes a bit of sense lol.

Your stream of consciousness is more coherent than whatever I can cook up in my text posts anon.

People definitely show a lack of understanding for Jiwoo's struggles.

In S1, Seojoon tells Jiwoo that guys like him, guys with walls around him, are his style. He likes them. But it's just not a trait for Jiwoo and it's not something you can out-kiss or out-hug. The show depicts how unromantic, how heartbreaking it can get to live with such walls.

The boy has abandonment issues which run deep. It's almost pathological. He did it to his ex-girlfriend, he did it to Hyun Pil's girlfriend, his close friend. I agree with you. It's very easy to think "he should have told Seojoon what was going on". Yes. He should have. If self-loathing and loneliness didn't also cause us to act irrationally at times. That night, it was all of Jiwoo's anxieties and fears piling up until he was suffocating and all he could think of was cutting loose.

Not to repeat all the great points you listed but yeah! He genuinely believed that Seojoon would eventually tire of this thing with a guy like him and would and could move on. He says it in their restaurant confrontation- he does not understand why Seojoon is going through all of this, what's so good about dating him? Jiwoo does not fight for this relationship because for him, because of him, it shouldn't be fought for.

Jiwoo was very much entitled to not fight for this relationship if this would have put him in a better position. Seojoon recognizes it himself in episode 8. If tells him that if he left, he should be better off and not be miserable. If up until the breaking point, we experienced Jiwoo's point of view instead, it would be very hard not to feel like Jiwoo should have the right to step away from Seojoon if that's what he wants (of course the show also shows us that those characters are better off together).

Obviously, he should never have ghosted Seojoon for a whole year. It's terrifying and inexcusable. He should never have slept with him, went too far and lash out (though for the things you pointed out, we can see why it happened).

Bang on for the bit about deserving and this aspect makes me love the show even more because this is what you expect from a romance story. The protagonist must suddenly provide a secret, noble sacrifice-reason, risk his life, earn back his love through some grand efforts and declarations spanning two or three montages. It's only if we see him suffer enough as viewers that we deem it acceptable. Life doesn't work like that. Of course, we want Seojoon to start valuing himself. It hurt to see completely ignore any pride and self esteem. We recognize that this stems from his own issues. Why should he suffer when he did nothing wrong.

But also, you cannot move on from the hurt, you cannot truly and honestly fix your relationships if you use a sort of metric. You hurt me x amount thus I require x amount of repenting or i am allowed to hurt you in an equivalent amount. You won't go very far trying to base your relationships by calculating such loss. That may be satisfying but that's not how you achieve true forgiveness and healing.

Of course, I still want, as a viewer scenes of acknowledgement from Jiwoo and a true moment of vulnerability in front of Seojoon. Seojoon deserves a real explanation. He deserves the opportunity to choose whether or not to forgive Jiwoo once all the information is available to him.

But anyways, Jiwoo has been one of the most realistic portrayal of mental health issues in a BL and I am so grateful for the show for this.

#ask #anon #i need a tms ask tag i fear i am clogging the tag #but also tagging more so for anon's points #to my star #to my star 2 #thank you for your ask anon!#my askbox is always open for stream of consciousness #long post

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timemachineyeah · 2 years

Text

I am so tired of being disabled. Having one of those Bad Health Days of the kind that make you want to find every single person who ever even implied this was all in your head or something you could will your way past and just, like,

not even hurt them really

just force them to feel it, and then tell them to do the dishes or something while feeling it.

Because when I do not feel this bad, sometimes I get down on myself and think, "maybe other people really do feel as fatigued and impaired as I do" but that's when it's like...it's normal place. Like a 5-6. Where it lives. Where even when I'm being kind to myself I can wind up thinking, "I mean, if I really had to, I could make myself do things, so therefor doesn't that mean I should? And am being undisciplined to not?"

But then it's to 7-9, where it does its dirty work, and I'm just like, "No actually, I could not. Not even if I had to." Like a man could come bursting in here with a fucking gun right now and point it at me on the couch and be like "run", and I'd, like ??? shuffle out ??? or stand and then fall over ???

(and it usually gets to that place because I did force myself to do things anyway while at a 5-6)

Thought this at work. My work takes me to courthouses, where they have things like security and metal detectors and also sidewalk chalk vandalism that says things like "GO BUY ANOTHER AR-15" and "BUY MORE GUNS"

Which means, much like any student attending an American school, or anyone who has ever been to a bar, club, movie theater, concert, hospital, church, or any public location in America, I have had the chance often to think, "What would I do if a gunman showed up right now?"

On bad disability days, days like today was for about an hour where I felt very very bad (but in a boring way that was better than how I feel right now), or like a lot of days where I kind of have to physically coerce my own body to do the thing, when that hypothetical pops into my head, "What if there was just a guy with a gun right now?" I think "Oh, I would absolutely not be able to run. I am so fatigued I don't even know if I'd be able to react."

Thinking about that post about chronic pain. The one that's like, "broadcasting our pain constantly would just be exhausting" (or something like that), as like an explanation for why someone can be in a LOT of really debilitating pain and still be, like, normal on the outside.

And like, yeah, constantly broadcasting how bad you feel is exhausting. And you know what fatigue doesn't give you any extra of? Energy.

But not only is broadcasting a feeling tiring. Feeling is tiring.

See, this is where I start to see how people can mix up chronic fatigue and depression. "Are you sure it's not just depression?" Right? Because a symptom of depression is not feeling anything. And also because depression can have physical symptoms. And because depression is legitimately debilitating on its own and if that were it I shouldn't seek a need to find a more "legitimate" explanation for my illness, as depression is a perfectly legitimate illness and can be disabling all by itself.

I think when people see people with chronic physical illness getting insistent about the physical nature of their illness (see and here is where things get pedantic, of course, because where is the line between a physical, mental, or neurological illness in a microscopic macroscopic strict taxonomy kind if way?), they assume those people are, like, just unwilling to believe their illness could be a mental illness due to stigma. But that's not it. At least for me, it's not it.

(I have, and have had, some great doctors in the ~eight years since this all started, but my first doctors when this all started were not).

But the thing is, at least for me, do you not think "maybe it's just all in my head" wasn't one of the first places I went?

The only way their way of thinking starts to make sense is if you take it to mean, not, "I think you might be dealing with debilitating mental illness, and that might be the best strategy to seek care", but "I think you don't want to get better." And of course, that's wild, because anyone going through what I'm going through would want to get better. And on days like today that is so apparent to me. So the only conclusion becomes, they do not believe me when I tell them how bad it is.

That's what becomes implied. Because if you wanted to get better, you would. It's not really about whether they think my illness is truly mental or physical, it's about whether my illness is real at all. To view me as maybe wanting to keep my symptoms, they have to be able to view them as tolerable, as not that bad, as worth suffering for the excuse to play hooky on life. And the only way they could view my symptoms that way is if they think that I am faking my cooperation, faking my effort, faking the severity of it, lying.

Especially when you are talking to Americans. Land of the Self Help Book. Going to the doctor costs money and I can watch yoga videos online for free. If it's just about getting more sun and talking through my feelings and being kind to myself, uhm, I have done that before. I have gotten so good at that. Let's go. Make lists? Identify problem areas in my life? Clean my damn room? Those are affordable and easy, sure I will do that.

Like do you not think I have done that? Or that I wouldn't if I could?

And not because I don't feel like doing it, in the send of "not in the mood", but because I am not reasonably able to. Which I might express out loud as, "I don't feel like I can", or "I don't feel like doing it", and which a listener may then take to mean, "I lack confidence" or "I am not in the mood", but which in practice means, "I physically sense that I cannot" or "I feel physically restrained from doing it".

But because of the way we use "feel" to mean both "emotion" and "sensation" it comes across twisted. WAIT

EMOTION

SENSATION

Is that the difference??? Wait I feel like I'm having an epiphany.

AUTONOMIC SYSTEMS = your weird body. INPUT and OUTPUT. The shit Cognition don't know 'bout. Takes inputs from everybody, gives outputs to everybody except Cognition. Cognition has to learn about everything it does secondhand from one of the other actors. Other actors can become permanently or temporarily, partially or wholly, incorporated into Autonomic Systems when Cognition loses contact with them.

EMOTION = moods. INPUT and OUTPUT. Like Sensation, it is received by Cognition as External. Unlike Sensation it always has an internal bodily source (so far as we can measure). It receives Inputs from all but Action. Cognition is only partially aware of it. These are basically Sensations that would not exist without Cognition, and are more easily influenced by Cognition than regular Sensation.

SENSATION = physical sensation. INPUT and OUTPUT. Listen, even if your emotions can give you physical sensations, we all recognize the sensation and the emotion are not the same thing? Like how taste and smell are buddies but they still have different jobs. Sensation can have an internal or external source. Sensation can only get inputs from the Autonomic Systems, so gets all other information secondhand. Sensation can only Output to cognition. For this reason Sensation is often (but not always) the most reliable at communicating what Autonomic Systems are doing to Cognition. Sensation is the communications system between not only your Cognition and your Autonomic System, but also your Cognition and the external world.

COGNITION = thinking/intention. INPUT and OUTPUT. What some might (erroneously, in my opinion) call the "self". Your youness. The you that is on purpose that you feel you understand and control. This is where imagination and stories are. This is where math is. This is where your friends' names are. This is where you notice your cat just took a really stinky shit. Your mind palace. Your consciousness. Your continuity of self. IDK. You get it.

ACTION = doing. OUTPUT. You know how you do stuff. And people can see it and hear it if they're around. And you mostly do it on purpose but not always? Ye.

Okay so like if we think of mental illness, mental illness is usually, like and EMOTION and/or COGNITION problem, that are in turn creating more problems down the various lines of communication/interaction, right?

And if we think of physical illness, that's like, more towards the AUTONOMIC SYSTEMS or SENSATION side of things, right?

Oh, now I wanna draw a map. God speaking of self help books I could absolutely make a self help book outta this. Like obviously this is not literally true; it's like a way of thinking about how we've categorized things in health and why, and what that means when trying to communicate your health experiences to your healthcare provider in a way where you won't be misunderstood and can get better as quickly as possible.

And that's I think it.

Is that I want to get better so bad.

Not in a "depressed person in a hole wishing I knew where to find hope" way, but in a "I am so brimming with hope it's heartbreaking every time I get a reality check" way. And as you can imagine, the latter can result in a mood and demeanor that certainly would resemble (and maybe even become) depression. But in the latter depression is not the core cause. In the latter depression is a symptom.

Which is all to say I have thought about my mind and my body and the ribbons tying them together a lot. I have absolutely entertained the idea it's all in my head, and tried to do anything I could to address that if it was the case.

Because I want to get better. So I'm not just going to ignore a perfectly reasonable possible explanation. Sensation gets input from everyone, so maybe it IS something awry in Emotion or Cognition that I'm just only clocking when it gets to Sensation and back to Cognition again - creating sensations like fatigue, pain, and drowsiness, and impairing Cognition further.

But like, my mental health is pretty fine, actually. Like, I'm really good about it. You have never met a more emotionally indulgent and yet incredibly level headed bitch. I have more optimism than I have a right to given the preponderance of the evidence. Is some of that being held together by a couple slices of scotch tape and a sticky note that says "I'm sure it'll all work out :)" holding together, like, something that really shoulda used a hefty portion of a duct tape roll? Yeah probably that's why we don't look at it too long, let's move along on the tour.

But, like, as this bizarre ramble probably illustrates, I am more than willing to examine myself at length to determine if there aren't better ways to think about things or do things that wouldn't make my happier and more productive. I am clearly not lacking introspection or drive.

Which is finally REALLY all to say that on days like today, I may not be confident why I am feeling what I am feeling, but I am one hundred percent damn sure that no one else feeling it could be doing any better.

#timemachine wuz here #disability #cfs/me #fibromyalgia #chronic illness #cn guns #cn gun violence #posting in the weeds #can you tell where the edible hit

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just-some-random-blogger · 1 year

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meowmeow, sunshine! short-pawed kitties TT ig your kitties miss u too.

'no idea if you sent this today' tumblr r u seriously? TT its the easiest function ig?.. also rip to your... all?

'why would you congratulate me for that' bc i didnt know what this holiday is about?.. isnt revolution for the dictator government good?.. 'dictators son is our president' HAHDPFH why.... how... where... only wrong answers.... i mean im not the one to judge... but the man is odd

'PLEASE DONT DIE' since you asked so nicely hahfhah

'ITS SO MUCH BETTER NOW' i hate how long it is TT i dont like the visuals TT but ok whatever is better for you babygirl

'according to the judgy cat' HFNKJNF me. yes. i am.

'THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A STRONG WOMAN' there is! but if they make it your only trait💀 'i still do fucking care about what people think' ig we all care what people say? its sad but human is a social being and we kinda cant live without listening to the society... the difference is probably how much we care and how much it affects our lives. i mean it does suck. yk youre worthy and significant just the way you are without playing up to stereotypes and trying to deserve the others' approval in a way you personally dont like. strength isnt your whole personality.

'complimented me on my strength' well ig its pretty logical to compliment smns strength when they do smth involving it and they wanted to be polite but duh. these accidental things with no harmful intention usually hurt the most. 'i dont want people to whisper about me having big arms' 1) ig no one whispers things when its not involved 2) your arms are beautiful! its ok to have whatever arms. including big arms. you work out so its consequential? and people really do not like 'big' arms only on men. yk a lot of girls who have romantic feelings for girls also love these hands on girls (DOES IT MAKE SENSE TT). ok this may not be the best example but there are people who just lile it? just admire some good arms. and im sure there are men whod think damn girl i want to hold this hand till my death. sorry but do i sound idk not soothing now? im sorry im trying TT i mean its not like strong arm r only for men. its fine if you have these. there are people who like it and dislike it (like with the height) and there will always be ideal view you wont be able to match in some ways. your arms are just good arms. they do lots of talented things and they are healthy, they keep you healthy and pretty. you are good the way you are. 'boys make fun of me too for the same reason' theyre just not grown enough and/or childish, absolutely not mentally mature. they think their worth is having toned arms while arms are just arms. 'he tired so hard to be muscley where i was naturally gifter' yeah thats what its about! theyre jealous. they think its the only wat they can be handsome so when you have it theyre jealous and afraid their arms and strength would be devalued.

'Were literally so alike' youre not 178 cm💀 ahajsh sorry. whats the betrayal?.. i didnt trade you for some prick.

'Don’t tell me how to write' ok.... i wanted the best TT

'i can gear the disbelief' oh you can? SURPRISINGLY.

'TO GLUCK THE PACIFIC OCEAN' HOHGOJJ i mean you can try. ill watch.

'THE AGGRESSIVE POSITIVITY?' like... hes positive? but in an aggressive way?

'im not sure if you understand what im saying' like in general... i do... 'Try it. If it makes sense' ok that one i dont understand even a little bit💀 'Youre good at math but idk if im good at explaining' im good at math but im bad at music💀 it seemed easier before you started saying 'try it' TT 'your head will be chopped off' OH this one i understand. 'there was something weird about that second song' HAHDJFJ i know nothing abt music so if it sounds good, its fine for me. MAybe apocalypsis IS the strange thing but am i wrong?

'Im willing to see what you want to share' oooh arent you cute? go finish your assignments and well see. i can read your kylo fis but remember. hes my rival. also i read you 'first snow' fic! omg TT aemma TT my sun my moon my stars TT shes glowing in my memories so yeah. her realtionships with vissy 100/10 with daemon 100/10 with reader 10/10 (bc there basically no interactions so no 100). AWKWARD DAEMON hgighg i live for awkward daemon! the cutie. imagine being a prince, all powerful, riding a dragon and then running around disheveled, half-naked with hardly opened eyes and pure sleep on your face? i imagine this. and it makes me giggle and have a little grin. also the targ-family dynamics (sorry if you dont want to hear abt it) reminds me of wfal. my cute babes TT

i dont understand wether i have too many symbols or not with this new paragraph thing TT so ok. thats all. how r you? how much water have you drunk today? eat well, sleep well. have a nice day/night. luv u. take care<з

HELLO MY LOVE GOOD MORNING or at least it is for me

me and you

meowmeow, sunshine! short-pawed kitties TT ig your kitties miss u too.

my kitties could care less T_T cos that means they care maybe just a little

'no idea if you sent this today' tumblr r u seriously? TT its the easiest function ig?.. also rip to your... all?

to be honest T_T its a me thing i am brain fried /: HAHHAH

Also i wanted to talk about the playlist because i listened to it properly now! i was eating donuts but now im hungry again. T_T im going to get water T_T i

Забери меня, если ты придёшь.10 Забери меня, если ты найдешь. Забери меня, что стоит тебе? Ты же знаешь как?

Like I think she says Забери меня then it goes up half notes to the tonic then she sings the next part

Суицид моей веры this sounds like the songs I used to listen to way deep in my emo phase

Чудовище GOSH I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH FOR REAL ITS ON MY SPOTIFY NOW I think this was the song I said went so hard because damn it really went SO HARD I listened to it twice I just checked my reply and it is I still stand on my words she can stab me if she wants.

I heard the давай and I was like I KNOW THAT but also I don’t I had to google what I means apparently it means give and ??? is that wrong ??? I also I think there was a bad word somewhere there and I was right!!! But I cant determine which word it is. But I heard it be said lol HAHAAH its a curse word my older brother likes to say lol T_T its so yuck of him im going to spell it the way i think it would be... blyat? HAHHAH LOL HAHAHH

Lol I like this Демоны. Its very pop punk. I listened to it on spotify and since its not slowed he sounds like an actual person HAHAHAHAH cos I was going to say the pronunciation of Russian sounds so …like dragging and slurry like something was being chewed slowly, and I suppose there is still some of that, but its also mostly cos the song was slowed HAHAHAHA

Are you sure Улицы ждали is the one with the annoying tempo and not Жанна д’Арк. Cause joan of arc did some weird ritardando which means it suddenly slowed down. Nvm I listened to that song on spotify and it was during the Что ночь кончается и день ее сменяет going to Я Жанна д'Арк в твоём костре. It was just really jarring the first time because of the slowed version. But also since it was my first time hearing that part. It was fine it wasn’t weird lol AHHAH

I found the translations for Намордник also is H an N in russian omg my head T_T. i also listened to this on spotify, i like it so much better without being slowed!!! she has such a sweet and bright voice i love it.

also is России russia?

Aлёна Швец - НЕЛЮБОВЬ i like this song. i can see why i wanted it do get heavier but upon listening to again. its fine the way it is. she also sounds so much better not slowed T_T HASLFHASFHAS i like her lyrics. i love her.

ЭЛЕКТРОФОРЕЗ – Зло is still such a vibe. it still reminds me of something like a christmas song LIKE I HEAR IT BUT I CANT PUT MY FINGER ON IT IS IT JOY TO THE WORLD no its not I CANT FIND IT I HATE IT HERE OMG IS IT MY WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ITS MY COLLEGE HYMN T_T IM CRYING LISTEN TO IT ITS LOWER BUT IT KINDA SOUNDS LIKE IT im going insane the first part the intro part sounds kinda like it im going home (i say as i type this on my home pc T_T)

Дора & Мэйби Бэйби - Не Исправлюсь THIS SONG IS SO MUCH MORE DISAPPOINTING IF TO ME AFTER LISTENING TO THE ORIGINAL they put a damn gritty electric guitar then made it edm i think minus 10000 points your honor. L (im sorry i just cant)

anyway i couldnt listen to this song fully cos im so disappointed in it alSFhahsfhasf

how do you say this Я is it ya? does it kind of have a soft d-ish sound.

ok thats that i hope that made sense.

the real answer is because T_T were fucking stupid. i hate the fact we let that idiot win. i literally started searching for countries to move when he won. he 99999999999% cheated because i saw the spreadsheet of the fucking votes and they were all going up exponentially at a steady rate. i hate it here.

'PLEASE DONT DIE' since you asked so nicely hahfhah

if you die i will never recover because i would never know... youd just... stop talking to me and i would think its something i did T_T pls dont die.

'ITS SO MUCH BETTER NOW' i hate how long it is TT i dont like the visuals TT but ok whatever is better for you babygirl

the things you do for love <3

'according to the judgy cat' HFNKJNF me. yes. i am.

you know what, you should try pilates (maybe you;ll be less judgy HAHAHH) ! i did some today then did weighted exercise and pilates is so much fun and also so ??? wild because it challenges your core!!! it makes me revaluate my core strength, balance and flexibility. today i learned T_T im turning into stale bread im so hard T_T I USED TO BE SO ELASTIC no more T_T also its good for my back because i get back pain from sitting down so much T_T lol

'THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A STRONG WOMAN' there is! but if they make it your only trait💀

but i have a personality T_T

'i still do fucking care about what people think' ig we all care what people say? its sad but human is a social being and we kinda cant live without listening to the society... the difference is probably how much we care and how much it affects our lives. i mean it does suck. yk youre worthy and significant just the way you are without playing up to stereotypes and trying to deserve the others' approval in a way you personally dont like. strength isnt your whole personality.

society sucks. but i love you.

youre so right. i read into that too much T_T see. you give me reason let me give you reason too

'i dont want people to whisper about me having big arms' 1) ig no one whispers things when its not involved

HAHAHAAHHAHAH YOU DONT LIVE IN THE PHILIPPINES WE HAVE CHISMOSA CULTURE chismosa is like a person who likes to gossip in its fem from, chismoso would be for the guy. it also comes from spanish chismes which also means gossip or whatever googles making me go down a rabbit hole and i refuse. anyway. i pointed that out because a lot (but not all) of filipinos love to talk about people as a bonding experience AHHAAH. i saw this tiktok that said that there are no serial killers here cause of this 💀💀💀 but she also said there isn't a complete/actual research about it but people say that that's why lol HAHAAH

2) your arms are beautiful! its ok to have whatever arms. including big arms. you work out so its consequential? and people really do not like 'big' arms only on men. yk a lot of girls who have romantic feelings for girls also love these hands on girls (DOES IT MAKE SENSE TT).

it does make sense i love you for trying to comfort me. i love you so much. i know my arms are beautiful... but sometimes i dont feel like it cos of this DEMON IN MY HEAD GO AWAY EWW

ok this may not be the best example but there are people who just lile it? just admire some good arms. and im sure there are men whod think damn girl i want to hold this hand till my death. sorry but do i sound idk not soothing now? im sorry im trying TT i mean its not like strong arm r only for men. its fine if you have these. there are people who like it and dislike it (like with the height) and there will always be ideal view you wont be able to match in some ways. your arms are just good arms. they do lots of talented things and they are healthy, they keep you healthy and pretty. you are good the way you are.

my kitty kitty so sweet T_T i understand what you mean. my arms are capable of so much beauty. youre so right i love you

'boys make fun of me too for the same reason' theyre just not grown enough and/or childish, absolutely not mentally mature. they think their worth is having toned arms while arms are just arms. 'he tired so hard to be muscley where i was naturally gifter' yeah thats what its about! theyre jealous. they think its the only wat they can be handsome so when you have it theyre jealous and afraid their arms and strength would be devalued.

men = 👎

'Were literally so alike' youre not 178 cm💀 ahajsh sorry. whats the betrayal?.. i didnt trade you for some prick.

;kajsfsfas I DIDNT MEAN THE HEIGHT I MEANT THE PERSONALITY HOW DARE YOU #1 basically call me short #2 reduce our similiarities to height #3 reduce yourself to height. also YOU REALLY NOT LETTING ME LIVE COS OF KYLO. you'd i think be glad to know i have redone the ai chat so many times i got connected to a moderator that was im pretty sure a 13 year old boy and it really killed the whole experience for me T_T i cant make him my husband anymore it feels so weird now

'Don’t tell me how to write' ok.... i wanted the best TT

/: *bonks*

'i can gear the disbelief' oh you can? SURPRISINGLY.

/: *BONK*

'TO GLUCK THE PACIFIC OCEAN' HOHGOJJ i mean you can try. ill watch.

😡 *BONK*

'THE AGGRESSIVE POSITIVITY?' like... hes positive? but in an aggressive way?

T_T HELP OK IF YOU SAY SO

'im not sure if you understand what im saying' like in general... i do... 'Try it. If it makes sense' ok that one i dont understand even a little bit💀

ASHF:HSFSAF FA yeah its really hard to explain something auditory with text T_T thats why my first year of music school SUCKED COSI WAS LIKE WHAT HUH but then when its explained my my teacher its like OOOOOOOOOOOH ok

'Youre good at math but idk if im good at explaining' im good at math but im bad at music💀 it seemed easier before you started saying 'try it' TT

its ok. i T_T i suck at explaining it T_T GAAAAAAAAH

'your head will be chopped off' OH this one i understand. 'there was something weird about that second song' HAHDJFJ i know nothing abt music so if it sounds good, its fine for me. MAybe apocalypsis IS the strange thing but am i wrong?

HAHAHAH the apocalypse is strange and scary so youre not wrong HAHAH

'Im willing to see what you want to share' oooh arent you cute? go finish your assignments and well see.

my assignments never end so just send them whenever ok. i'll reply properly again like what i did now when i do a relisten

i can read your kylo fis but remember. hes my rival.

T_T ok HAHAAH read the 2nd one i make or the first one whatever its up to you. you have no competition with kylo. i dont think i'll use that ai chat anymore T_T i'll stick to fanfics cos then i wouldnt have to face a 13 year old boy that wants to do a roast battle with me asfh;aslhfas;f

also i read you 'first snow' fic! omg TT aemma TT my sun my moon my stars TT shes glowing in my memories so yeah. her realtionships with vissy 100/10 with daemon 100/10 with reader 10/10 (bc there basically no interactions so no 100).

IM GLAD YOU LOVE AEMMA! I LOVE AEMMA T_T AEMMA MY LOVE <3 and AHHAHAHA yes 0 interactions between aemma and yn. AHAHHHAH its fine shhhh. i didnt even show why daemon disliked her cos i was too lazy to show how prim and proper she is lol HAHAHH

AWKWARD DAEMON hgighg i live for awkward daemon! the cutie. imagine being a prince, all powerful, riding a dragon and then running around disheveled, half-naked with hardly opened eyes and pure sleep on your face? i imagine this. and it makes me giggle and have a little grin. also the targ-family dynamics (sorry if you dont want to hear abt it) reminds me of wfal. my cute babes TT

We love waffle <3 HAHAHAH i have no idea when i can update again but everytime i talk to you about daemon im like TODAY? and i love the targ dynamics. i love them so so so much. i briefly rewatched ep1 which was why i wrote that. im thinking of writing a daemon fic where he was named heir way before rhaenyra was born because viserys got into an accident or smth. sooooooo HAHAHA idk i might write it but also i might not lol

i ATE DONUTS TODAY.

and im hungry again holup let me get smth to eat

EW NVM I THOUGHT OF EATING AND I MADE ME FEEL SICK

i DRANK A LOT TODAY! but also i sweat a lot cos i exercised so......................... ANYWAY. i wanted to tell you this story about my grandma. cos she was like, preparing/washing fish outside, like we have a faucet outside out house and she was putting the fish guts in a plastic and we also have rats AND THIS BIGASS RAT WAS SNEAKILY TRYNA GET THE PLASTIC OF FISH GUTS and my grandma barely noticed. LIKE THE AUDACITY OF THE RAT T_T also they live in my bedroom ceiling and they party and go jogging at night ///: my worse fear is suddenly they destroy my ceiling and fall onto me AND I SLEEP IN A DOUBLE DECK AT THE TOP (my sister is below) and IT FREAKS ME OUT but ive gotten a bit used to it

anyway T_T rats are freaky. i hope so badly we can finally rebuild the house. did i tell you about my house yet. remember how i said i moved. i moved to my grandma's house, which is old like SO OLD the last time it was renovated was in the 80s and my mom was wee T_T (she said there were rats even then T_T HELP) anyway. this house actually belongs to, wait for it, my grandma's GRANDPA! T_T the deed is still in spanish and like as big as a newspaper T_T so ///: we had to change it at city hall T_T and its taking forever. also, just in case its not clear, the owner of my house is my great-great-grandpa T_T anyway that's all i love you please take care and love yourself for me because i love you and i want to hug and kiss you

OH OH OH OK LAST THING

i thought about it and wouldnt it be funny if we meet and it turns out you actually also dont know what your height is like all of my classmates that claim to be 5'10 but ARENT AHHAHAHAHAHAHA

ok that's all i love you

xxx

#slavyanskiyahui cutie #anon ask #my beloved anons #modern!daemon anon #ask #modern!daemon nonnie

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ravenousnightwind · 2 years

Text

You know, before I got medicated, I couldn't even cuddle with my partner or feel any kind of things about him. I couldn't even feel things when I was supposed to. Depression literally took away my ability to feel. People might say: huh that doesn't make any sense. Yeah it actually does. You know why? Because depression as an illness doesn't just sometimes make you upset emotionally. It can also deaden your emotions and literally isolate you mentally from other people. It shuts off your ability to understand others and interpret things the way you would normally if you weren't having an episode.

So how come I couldn't cuddle with my partner? Well, when you have autism and adhd, apparently these effects when paired with extreme major depressive disorder, can make a person feel uncomfortable or like something is to heavy or disturbing when it shouldn't be. So I'd always feel this sense of being uncomfortable with him because maybe his leg was on me. Plus my having other issues too that were exasperated by it.

I started to develop IBS symptoms and it got to the point any time I had coffee, potatoes, etc, if it wasn't unrefined foods or foods that weren't related to poisonous plants, I couldn't eat it. Now the interesting part with this is that there is literal scientific evidence now to show the gut bacteria communicate with the brain to help you digest stuff. So if the brain isn't working in a way it should what's gonna happen? Emotions, functionality, relationships, and even your diet will all be affected.

I went unmedicated for years thinking I didn't need that shit. Well, it has affected me so badly now that it has progressed to the point I can't be a normal human without them. So when you have had depression since childhood like I have, then..it's likely by being unmedicated that the disease will cause more damage to your brain over a period of time as it cannot function. If you pair that with adhd and autism, there's also things about that which affect it negatively too. With autism the "wiring" is there but signals aren't strong enough or don't get sent out. That part whatever it happens to be, just doesn't function even though all the things for it to are there.

Interestingly enough, the brain has the ability to adapt and even repair itself. It's an organ that is very complex, but also mysterious. When we train ourselves by doing puzzles, yes, even playing games where we have to figure out what we're doing on our own, it allows out brain to make new neural connections. So matching games, memory games, etc. All that and more can help your brain heal itself over time. But it's also possible that without meds you might lack the ability to even do that. As that's where it was going for me.

Mental illness is a serious thing, you can't just beat your kids or discipline people to be better or not be a way. Sometimes it's because you can't see what's really going on. That they're actually sick or suffering from an incurable disease. And especially if you were or your child is like me? I didn't know why I couldn't do those things, like go to school and do homework etc. I just knew I couldn't it made me so tired and exhausted but people equated that to laziness or whatever.

My point is, just because you don't know. Doesn't mean it isn't real. Just because they can't find anything wrong doesn't mean there isn't something wrong. It needs to be taken as a real debilitating disease as it is instead of seen as this "you just don't want to"

#depression #anxiety #mentalheathawareness #mental illness #mental health #autism #adhd #neurobiology

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doctorguilty · 2 years

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I keep tiring myself out before I get to art stuff! ;-; I better dedicate some time to prioritize that ..

man, makes me think about how my normie coworkers, when they would be off of work for a while sick with covid or an injury or whatever, when they came back I'd be like so how was the time off? and they'd be like "eh I was bored had nothing to do glad to be back" like jshdfhkdsg????? ever since I quit work... I mean I lose a lot of days to mental illness/pain no doubt but .. I feel like every day I have so many things to do! things I have to do like errands, or cleaning, and so many hobbies like art and nature walks, movies to watch, games to play, I have all this time to myself and I still wish I could be less tired and sleepy so I can fit more in one day. what is boredom! managing my own business endeavors and living my life and doing my hobbies is the best I've ever lived as far as that part of life goes anyway... I'm still mostly paying the bills with savings but I don't regret it, this time is literally worth it so I'm glad this is what I'm using it for ;-; and the more art things I do the more money I make anyway so, hopefully in time I'll have to worry less about my savings running dry, but I've been really frugal with them so stretching them all these months is actually working but like dsjfkfdg yeah its. very worth it. I've never had so much time to just.. live........ I dont ever want to go back to working full time if I can help it .. prior to this, the most freedom I had in my life was the 2 weeks I was off work with covid ;-;

idk maybe its just , being an artsy person with so many ideas and stuff, but I never really bore easily, even just sitting around I'm usually occupied with a lot of thoughts. boredom only really comes to me with like, depression like literally when things I love don't make me happy like chemically in my brain, or like the monotony of working and sleeping and waking up and working and sleeping like I was doing for my 40+ hr work weeks I was bored in the sense that like, I felt like a rat on a wheel and I just COULDNT do anything else for myself, but otherwise I dont really like.. get bored?

but yeah just.. getting up every day, writing a list of goals and taking them step by step, going on walks, all that.. it's like every day my brain is stimulated with like decisions and time management in a not severely stressful way... it's nice, not boring at all

the challenging thing though like i said is making time for everything and rationing my energy! >< it can be quite difficult to do

#seth speaks

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dailylumi · 1 year

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Jan 5th

Well looks like I forgot to write the second part for yesterday but oh well we move on and don't think about it.

I think today was a better day overall than the past few days in all honesty. I mean it was still a mixed bag kind of day but the good really carried me through the day to be honest.

To start, I've been really sleep deprived lately and today was no exception. I slept somewhere between 6-7 but I forgot about ember's appt so I had to get up at 9 to take him. Feel like that was my own fault among my other issues with sleep and my avoidance of it. But yeah very off state as usual and while I wasn't grumpy I felt a bit sensitive and just overall dread this morning.

I already feel embarrassed writing this next part cause I know they read this SAKSLDJ

I think the main turn around for the day was a phone call with my bff. I don't know it just meant so much and was just so nice. They're such a grounding person for me and I'm always so grateful with just everything. I dont know just the phone call made me finally feel like time slowed down for a second and forget about everything for a little while. It's kind of ironic since the time went by so fast on the phone LMAO. Really it was the sense of connection for me through the phone call. I know that I am always connected with them and I bother them literally all day but mental illness and boundaries just makes me feel disconnected when I know that isn't it all.

I feel like that left me with a lot of serotonin and feeling of ease like I was okay for the day. I feel like they do that a lot for me :( I tried to make myself sleep but I couldn't really force it so I read manga until I passed out for like 40 minutes. It was really short and I felt more tired when I woke up but I think it's probably good I got a bit more rest.

The rest of today felt slow. I didn't know what to really do but I ended up cutting my hair since it has been a bit. I think I'm always frustrated with my hair. It feels like there is nothing I can do with it and Ive just had the same overall short hair style my whole life. If it grows past a certain point it just becomes too curly to manages and dries out super fast. I wish I could experience a different hairstyle but that feels like a reach both from logical standpoints and from my lack of self esteem on the matters. I feel like id just look weird doing something new. One day I should try dyeing it maybe I wanna try.

Thinking about the future there is just so much that feels overwhelming but at the same time I know I'm not completely alone regarding it. I don't really wanna talk about the things changing in the future but maybe my worries.

Ive been so worried about the future and meeting people. I am someone who is so bad at first impressions and worried about upsetting others. I know that I would try my hardest to get along and not cross lines with people but Ive begun wondering if any of my habits would cause any issues. I just don't want to be hated or do something off putting especially since I can be unaware of things at times.

On a separate but slightly connected note I feel like I should try to be more outgoing and form an actual friendship. I think I am still acting a bit stand offish and shy and thats because I really am but also like what if I am hated lmaoo I usually don't care if others hate me because I am mostly disconnected from people but it feels like I can't be like that right now. It helps nothing and my anxiety won't let me.

Sometimes I really wonder if I ever let myself breathe or am I just someone stuck in an endless loop of mental illness and self deprecation lmao

I'll never really know but I don't think the answer matters as long as I don't cause others to feel suffocated by my issues and presence.

I think tomorrow might be a bit of a better day. I might see a friend in person that I haven't seen in like 7 months. So that might be interesting.

Can't believe I'm on a three day streak of posting. Hopefully I can continue

#jan5th #daily blog #daily life

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orcelito · 2 years

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I suppose part of it is feeling tired of feeling clinically insane. Like whether that's true or not, I think I wanna try to not Uh encourage it

#speculation nation #anytime i go to a doctor or psychiatrist and they hand me that silly little sheet that has me check off in little boxes #what ive done and what ive thought about as if theyre objective experiences that can be described in concrete clinical terms #which i mean. ultimately i guess they are. which is part of what feels so bad about it all #an entire existence of Years boiled down to a handful of words on a sheet of paper #almost as if it's an identity. a mark that will forever follow me. as permanent as the scars scattered on my skin.#i'll always have them but i sure as hell dont need More. im fuckin done with it now.#self harm ment/#this'll b my last post on the topic (for now) dw #im just tired of . a lot. tired in general.#not quite tired of myself bc i cant judge me of the past. i know what i was feeling back then.#maybe tired of the mental illness. Yeah that would make sense.#the mental illness and the life ive lived that led to these choices.#and the life i live with the combination of those choices & the general judgement of people who are mentally ill #always gonna need to hide these fucking scars.#bc i dont wanna deal with ppl looking at me like im one touch away from breaking. or like im Disgusting.#id get either of them. few ppl would just be chill about it. i know this for a fact.#could b worse tho. easy enough to hide. thank you 16 year old me for having Some semblance of self restraint.#god i rarely talk about this shit so frankly but like hey maybe i deserve to be frank about it rn #this is part of my life and me deciding to be Done with it is pretty big lol. im allowed to complain.#anyways i need to go the fuck to sleep. why do i ALWAYS stay up so late. God.

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justmenoworries · 2 years

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MoM Spoilers!!!

Okay, had a good night’s sleep, now I’m ready to yell.

This movie was fucking awful. It had no bearing on the greater MCU, over half of it is figurative and literal character assassination and a very cool character is side-lined for the sake of White Man Pain™.

What was the fucking point of WandaVision if Wanda seemingly hasn’t learned a goddamn thing and has even gotten worse, somehow??? Seriously, why is the woman who was so horrified about Lagos, who broke down in tears after realizing she was holding an entire town hostage and retreated to the middle of bumfuck nowhere without a fight as penance suddenly so gung-ho about sadistically murdering innocent people, one of which is a literal fucking child???? Her going after and dehumanizing America made no sense at all. Wanda said it herself at the start of the movie: If anyone would know what it’s like to be burdened with and hunted down for enormous powers that you never asked for, it would be Wanda. Are you telling me she had this whole arc about facing her grief and learning that she can’t use her powers to force the world into appeasing her in WandaVision just to make a 180 in the very next installment she appeared in??? Whyyyy????? And don’t give me any of that “buT ThE daRkHoLd”-crap, it’s a bad excuse for a motivation and you know it. If it really was the Darkhold, then why didn’t destroying it immediately snap Wanda back to normal? Why were Wanda’s ultimate plans so small-scale overall if a literal Book of the Damned had a stranglehold on her mind??? That’s like saying the Infinity Stones corrupted Thanos. Also, the way this movie tried so desperately to have it’s cake and eat it was embarrassing. On one hand they want Wanda to be a ruthless horror movie villain who cares for no one and nothing but herself and her children (not Vision though, Wanda seemingly completely forgot about him) and who will slaughter millions of people without a second thought or any sympathy to any family members they might leave behind, but then also want her to be a sympathetic uwu victim who constantly cries about how unfair everything is and how much of a hypocrite Dr. Strange is for not letting her murder a 16-year-old girl. Yeah no. If you want me to feel sorry for a character, maybe don’t spend sixty percent of the movie showing her sadistically torture and kill people who did nothing to her. “But Wanda as a villain was so fun!” Surprisingly enough, I agree. Villain!Wanda was badass and made for a very fun antagonist. But if you needed to make a Scarlet Witch the bad guy, why our Scarlet Witch??? I mean, an alternative was staring you right in the fucking face: We know magic users can “dreamwalk”, meaning pilot alternate versions of themselves in other universes. It could have been an alternate Scarlet Witch, possessing 616!Wanda. Wanda didn’t need to be the villain again. I am so tired of mentally ill and traumatized women being made into horrible monsters in narratives. Wanda already had her villain and anti-hero arcs, why couldn’t you let her be purely the hero this one time???? Also, I really don’t know how I feel about Wanda killing herself to destroy every Darkhold in the multiverse. On one hand, after all the shit she pulled in this movie, there was just no feasible way to have it end differently than her performing a heroic sacrifice. You can’t cry the hundreds of people she murdered back to life. You can’t just ignore the horrible things she put America through. You can’t unmake all the gross and vile things she said in this movie to justify her actions. So what’s left? But then again, as I said, I am so fucking sick of the tired old “hysterical, mentally ill woman makes things worse for everyone because she’s traumatized and mentally ill and also female”-trope. Also, her death opens a whole other can of worms concerning the MCU!Young Avengers that I’ll discuss further later on. What makes this worse is that Wanda’s anger at Dr. Strange and the world in general for continually tearing everything away from her and framing her as a villain whenever she makes an honest mistake is somewhat justfiied, but because we can’t have an angry woman be right about anything, boom! Villain Ball. The Avengers didn’t do shit for her. No one but Vision and maybe Clint ever tried to help her through her trauma. Tony wanted her locked away. S.W.O.R.D. dismantled the corpse of her husband and refused to let her bury him. When she had a mental breakdown and caused the Westview-incident, that’s when people finally started to notice that she was not okay and even then the majority of those who noticed just immediately dismissed her as a terrorist that needed to be put down like Old Yeller. Dr. Strange fucking knew about Westview, but didn’t think to help her and only made contact with her long after, when he needed her for something. She had happiness for about a week, before she was forced to tear it all down again. The MCU just loves torturing Wanda and I’m. So. Sick of it.

Why was Dr. Strange here? No, I’m serious, what impact did this movie have on anything in his character arc? He’s still arrogant, he’s still forever pining after a woman who just isn’t interested in him anymore and he’s still messing with powers he shouldn’t and justifies it by citing “the greater good”. Nothing about him changed. He’s not actually challenged on his moral beliefs, because everyone who is against him and his methods is either wrong or killed or both. As mentioned before, we learn nothing more about his character, other than that he’s still hung up on Christine, which oh my fucking god, can we drop the Christine story-line for Dr. Strange already???? She’s not interested, let him move the fuck on and deal with other things! Also, I fucking hate that they made him a “mentor” to America and the Marvel-stans of course jumped on it, because they just love Found Family, even if it’s executed as shitty as it is in most MCU-things. Strange should have been the one to learn new things beyond basic multiverse-stuff in the movie. Strange should have been the fish out of water trying to keep up. They introduce a bunch of alternate Dr. Stranges and none of them matter. The fight with evil!Strange is creative, I’ll give it that, but it felt like padding. All it really establishes is that Stephen’s obsession with Christine is unhealthy, only to backpedal and frame Stephen telling Christine that he can only love her in every universe as romantic and heartwarming. Y’Know, despite the fact that we just got done kiling a version of Stephen hat literally only existed to show us why that isn’t a good thing. He can’t do jackshit against Wanda in any of their confrontations and his powers are massively downplayed for most of the movie, so he can’t really act as a bodyguard to America either. He ends the movie with a third eye like evil!Dr Strange had, as a consequence of using the Darkhold, but it doesn’t even bother him and the after-credits scene has him dive into multiverse-shenanigans all over again like nothing’s wrong and nothing happened. This did not need to be a Dr. Strange movie. At all. Also, love how the movie pretended Strange moping about not getting to date Christine was remotely comparable to America dealing with the trauma of being separated from her moms and stranded in the multiverse when she was a toddler. Can you tell this movie was written be a white man?

America Chavez was one of the few saving graces in this movie (besides the visuals, Elisabeth Olsen’s performance and the Illuminati). Xochitl Gomez owns this role and the way they portrayed her powers was amazing. That being said, why oh why did she have to play second fiddle to Dr. Strange??? Why did we have yet another tired instance of the “insecure female hero can’t control her powers until an older male hero tells her to believe in herself”-trope????? America should have been a lead character, not a Living Macguffin who needs to be protected and is unable to fight for herself until the climax. Also, why exactly did she have to go to Kamar Taj? She’s not a sorceress, her powers have nothing to do with the mystic arts???? This is just the most transparent excuse to shove her off to the side-lines and I hate it. What I also hate is how the MCU-fandom is already clamoring for Dr. Strange (and sometimes Christine, because just like Stephen, stans have learned nothing from evil!Strange) to be her “adopted parents”. Um, guys, i don’t know if you forgot, I wouldn’t blame you, it was a really short scene, but: America has parents?! She has two loving mothers somewhere in the multiverse that she would very much like to see again. They’re not dead, the movie makes it a point several times that they’re probably alive out there and that a reunion with them is more than possible, now that America has control over her interdimensional-travel powers.Why the hell are y’all always so quick to replace a poc-character’s loving parents with random white people they barely know??? More importantly, I hate how, instead of whooping her abuser’s ass, America had to appease her to “win”. That’s a horrible message. “If you can’t beat/escape a person hurting you, just give them what they want and hope they come to a heel-realization.” America shouldn’t have been forced to open that portal. She should have beat Scarlet Witch’s ass and then dragged her into that universe by the hair to show her alternate children what a monster she’s become out of spite. This movie’s Wanda deserved no sympathy after all the shit she put everyone and especially America through. This is the second time that a woman of color was forced to be Wanda’s therapist after being treated like a punching bag by her. Speaking of, wonder how Monica Rambeau will react to the fact that not only was she wrong about Wanda not being dangerous apparently, but that Wanda killed an alternate version of her mother in cold blood. Boy, won’t that be an awkward thing to address when they inevitably bring Scarlet Witch back? America travelled the multiverse for over ten years, she shouldn’t have been nearly as helpless as she was in this movie. She should have had more knowledge of alternate universes than “traffic lights are different” and “most universes have free food”. She should have been a way more savvy character by the time she met with 616!Dr. Strange. This should have been her movie as much as his. Also, she shouldn’t have been dropped off at Kamar Taj. She should have gone on a search for her moms. She has control now, she is, like I already said, not a sorceress, so why does she need to go to sorcerer-school??? That way you even have a good set-up for her showing back up to help the MCU Young Avengers. She’s found her mothers, but realized the multiverse, and especially universe 616, could need a hero like her. So she comes back and joins the team. Speaking of which...

The way this movie went above and beyond to drill in the point that Billy and Tommy Maximoff do not exist in our universe 616. Dr. Strange repeatedly says that they’re “not real”, because Wanda made them out of magic, like the mere existence of Vision isn’t proof that artificial beings are just as much alive as organic ones. Also, just to twist the knife further, Billy and Tommy exist in every other alternate universe, despite it being just as impossible for Wanda to have children with Vision in those as it is in universe 616. (They never really do resolve that plot-hole, huh?) If that isn’t the MCU showing their entire ass, I don’t know what is. For those of you who don’t know, Billy, a.k.a. Wiccan, and Tommy, a.k.a. Speed, are incredibly important characters for a lot of LGBT+ comic-readers. Billy is possibly Marvel’s most iconic gay character, together with his boyfriend Teddy, a.k.a Hulkling. Their relationship and they themselves are crucial to several story-lines in the Young Avengers-comics. Tommy is canonically bisexual and, while not as much as Billy, still important to several story arcs. I really cannot understate how much seeing these two on the big screen would have meant to me and so many other queer comic- and superhero-fans. But that’s very unlikely to happen now, because Wanda is dead, so she can’t restore them to life in any way. Dr. Strange sure as hell won’t do it, we already know where he stands. And White Vision probably doesn’t even remember or really care about them. The most we can hope for is that their alternate versions will show up somehwere down the line to do a quick 5-second “See? We have gays!”-cameo, before being banished to the aether again. Cool. Moving on. Why even have that after-credits scene in WandaVision with them screaming for help if you’re not gonna do anything with it?

The Illuminati. Oooh boy. Are you seriously telling me that nobody saw any kind of issue with introducing an alternate version of the Avengers that consisted of poc, disabled and female characters, as opposed to the all-white only one woman team of universe 616, and then not only have them all be portrayed as tight-assed, self-absorbed jerks, but also have them killed in the most gruesome manner by a white woman? Aside from Mordo, the black guy in charge, he gets to be portrayed as a vengeful dickbag and then humiliated by his white counterpart. Having 838!Maria Rambeau show up as an alternate Captain Marvel only to have Wanda squash her under a statue is just so many levels of gross. What the fuck is your issue with non-white characters being powerful, Marvel? Don’t actually answer, we all know. Also, of course the only other member of the 838!Avengers-team who gets to live and be portrayed as heroic is Christine, the white woman our also white lead is still simping for. Color me shocked. This is my shocked face. Such a promising cast of powerful characters. Introduced to be a speedbump and prove a white man’s moral superiority. Thanks, I hate it.

For a movie named the Multiverse of Madness, we didn’t really get to see all that much of said multiverse. (Though it did succeed in making me mad, I’ll give it that.) The only alternate universes in this movie are our universe, Earth 616, the Illuminati-universe, Earth 838, and the destroyed universe evil!Strange lives in. That’s it. The multiverse, ladies, gentlemen and non-binary readers! We get so many glimpses of the other worlds in the first jump-scene and only explore one percent of them. Though I suppose “Doctor Strange and the Two Alternative Universes that Kinda Suck” wouldn’t have made for such a snazzy title, huh?

I think I’m done. In more that one way. I’m gonna retreat into my corner now and try to purge everything about this movie that wasn’t America Chavez or the Illuminati from my mind. This movie could have been so great. But the MCU couldn’t help itself, it seems. I should have listened to the dozens of people telling me the MCU was going down the shitter, but noooo, I had to have faith and watch this dreg.

MCU-stans don’t @ me. I sincerely do not give a crap about your opinion and probably vice-versa, so trying to convince me this movie was good will lead to nothing but frustration for both sides.

#mom spoilers #multiverse of madness spoilers #rant review

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rphelperblog · 2 years

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Chicago Med Rp Meme

inspired by @whomuses

“What’s the difference between God and a doctor? God knows he’s not a doctor.”

“Every dumb, mean, stupid, vicious thing gets a light shown on it. The world would be a much better place, a much safer place, if people would just shut up.”

“Pride. It can literally kill you”

“People think sex is a touchy subject. Believe me, money is a lot touchier”

“You can’t erase things, but you can write over them.”

“Yeah, younger patients are the hardest. Very tough to draw a line between an actual disorder and good old fashioned adolescence.”

“Losing hope is not a sign of mental illness. It’s a sign of being human.”

“I became a doctor to save peoples lives!”

“In any case, the problem’s been resolved, and we can get back to business, saving lives, making money.”

“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you.”

“Another maniac going crazy in a theater. This the world we live in?”

“Try thinking like a doctor and not like a pregnant woman.”

You have my permission to go ahead as long as you can do so safely.”

Oh my gosh. Is everyone all right?”

Nobody’s dead.”

Great. When were you going to tell me?”

Maybe I just got tired of hearing the sound of my own voice.”

You hired a nurse for a reason.”

It's my decision! And I don't appreciate you trying to recruit more soldiers to your cause.”

No, I don't want to talk to my husband directly. That's why I hired a lawyer.”

I know you judge me, but in my country I was persecuted. I had to flee.”

I'm a surgeon. Show some respect.”

Those girls would have gone to someone else. At least I know what I'm doing.”

Hate me. Hate me as much as you want, bro. But I ain't walking away til I geet your consent for the surgery.”

Stop telling me things I already know.”

That you got off the black market because you don't have a license.”

I thought you said they were trying to help.”

How long have you been an alcoholic?”

You don't beat around the bush.”

They didn't do anything wrong. They shouldn't be punished.”

we can't let this play out in the media. The court that's really going to matter is the court of public opinion.”

That's quite a look. You enjoying hitting the lanes?”

It's mostly a fashion statement, but I do enjoy rolling a ball once in a while.”

Good. One less crisis to worry about but this guy's still trying to die.”

So you're putting me in purgatory instead?”

Okay. So we're on safe ground legally. What about morally?”

You are, but we're running out of time.”

How are your 15 minutes going?”

Yep. And two vaccinated, consenting adults.”

An innocent little baby had to suffer while there are a bunch of crooks in this world who get away with everything.”

For a soldier to ask for help, for a soldier to be afraid they might be one of 'them', that they could fall apart at any second.”

I think of people like you, people who served over there. You have so much courage, but when it comes to saving yourselves...”

Poor little girl. What did she ever do to deserve this?”

Is this gonna keep happening? Is it gonna get worse?”

I would too. That's why I like it down here. I'm -- I'm not good with suffering. It's just...too much up there.”

Nice fricking move. Right on sister. I knew you were smart.”

He's given me so much. How do I ever pay that back? “

How do you know you haven't already?”

I guess we're all given our measure of suffering. God's medicine”

I promise, from now on, I'll never argue with you.”

You will be an attending, so you won't have to argue with me. You can just boss me around.”

My fear is, is that you're gonna find a way to get yourself kicked off the staff. I'm curious to see how long it'll take.”

You dope. Nobody overrules him.”

Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I admit, it's a bit of a double standard. What can I say?”

I'm pretty sure that if that were me, I'd be raked over the coals by you right now.”

It doesn't have to make sense to us. If he believed he would longer if his wounds were dressed in green bandages, then we give him green bandages.”

Oh, come on, they barely have the energy to play canasta...whatever that is.”

It's not my job to listen. I'm a doctor. It's my job to decide what's best for him. “

You know, there's a reason for that. There's this new study out, says dating can lead to marriage.”

It's just a friendly dinner.”

Wonderful, the guy enforcing the rules is the one who's always breaking them.”

I suspect it was ego more than altruism. Great surgeons know the balance. You're confident, not arrogant. I like that,”

he totally snores, but I don't mind. Oh, he does this thing where he shoots his dirty boxers into the hamper like a buzzer beater. [beat] Anyway, it's cute.”

totally snores, but I don't mind. Oh, he does this thing where he shoots his dirty boxers into the hamper like a buzzer beater. [beat] Anyway, it's cute.

And discipline? Is that a nice way of saying I'm a tight ass?”

What you're doing may be legal, but it sure as hell isn't right. “

This is an emotional process. I can understand you're upset.”

Is this a happy ending?”

you think you know better...sounds like something you'd bust my balls for.”

This is why we all worked so hard to send you to medical school? So you could keep a bunch of party animals from getting hangovers?”

You've got to be kidding me. Ginger Spice is our doctor!”

Some idiot in supply added a zero to my order, so instead of four dozen, I...”

I always kind of envied the kids who went to church. You know, they were part of something. It's like they had their own tribe.

Oh, family drama, now you're in my wheelhouse!

You're family. We rise and fall together.

Only as often as the state requires.

So they ever give you guys breaks?

Then again, how many jobs are there where you literally get to save lives?

Hey, take it from a former alter boy. Baptism's a piece of cake. A lot easier than a bris.

But I'm not religious. Wouldn't it be hypocritical?

Eh, think of it like a vaccination. Do it and get it over with.

Do you know the single greatest challenge that I face is trying to convince people that depression isn't a sign of weakness?

You're a good doctor. The world needs good doctors, you ass.

You don't like Chicago style popcorn?

Mixing caramel and cheese flavors?

Sweet and salty. It's the greatest duo.

you're my brother, and I love you. But you need to grow up.

Why do you always take things out on me?

You know, when I'm faced with a snarling dog, I try to remind myself it's self-preservation that's making him show his teeth.

You don't have to show me how smart you are. And you don't have to please me. Just learn.

I've been an ass. Not just today -- since last week. Before that. I should not have yelled at you.

You? Wrong? Amazing.

Boy's will always want to be better than their fathers, which is precisely what their fathers want.

Oh, come on -- sport's the oldest form of group therapy. We yell, we scream. Testosterone spikes. Every now and then, we even get to believe in a miracle.

People do that sometimes. They sense they're at the end and they just want to die in a clean bed.

He saw something. You'll have to ask him when he wakes up.

This is not about you. This about *her* and what *she* wanted.

#open rp #open to all #open to anyone #open meme #ask meme #open to anybody #rp meme #roleplay meme #ask prompt #memes #chicago med #chicago med rp #chicago med roleplay #hospital rp #hospital roleplay #open to mutuals

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sarcasmandships · 3 years

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yellow | paul lahote

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, but especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself.

word count: 3.8k

angst, hurt + minimal comfort

trigger warnings: eating disorder, death, hospital/medical scene, vomit

paul imprinted on y/n nearly a year ago, it wasn’t something he ever wanted. in fact, he tried so hard to fight the imprint at first that he made himself ill.

paul was only just beginning to learn that he couldn’t fight off every problem he encountered. imprinting on y/n had been a harsh awakening for him, and he knew now that he couldn’t punch and kick his way through life.

that didn’t stop him trying though, he stared at the hole he’d just created in the dry wall of his bedroom. he was going to have to buy another poster.

“paul, are you still there?” y/n’s voice was muffled through the phone which lay face down on his bed, “i heard a bang.”

and paul could hear her concern so he snatched the phone and held it up to his ear, “yeah i’m still here don’t worry,” he sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose.

“okay...” she said uncertainly, “are you alright?”

he was clenching his fists, his jaw, and every other muscle in his body, “yeah, yeah i’m fine,” he said, trying to maintain a light and airy tone as much as possible but the words just came out flat, “i should be asking if you’re okay.”

y/n took several minutes to answer, “you don’t need to worry about me paul.”

if only she knew that his entire life now revolved around worrying about her. about wanting to protect her, from the leeches, from every creep and asshole in this town, from every bout of stress or sadness.

“i never do anything else,” he tried to say jokingly, but his voice broke mid-way through the sentence and he punched his mattress.

“look paul...” he could hear her frowning through the phone as she sighed, “i gotta go to my appointment now but I’ll see you later for the bonfire, yeah?”

tears were burning in paul’s eyes as he croaked out a response, “yeah, do you need me to pick you up?”

“it’s all good, i’m going to emily’s first to give her a hand with the food so i’ll go down with her.”

“yeah, sounds great,” he said flatly, “i’ll see you there then.”

“bye paul,” she whispered and hung up the phone.

he launched the phone at the wall, and it shattered into chunks of useless plastic. he held his head in his hands and before he knew it, his whole body was racked with dry sobs.

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, but especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself.

he grabbed a pair of beat-up trainers from under his bed and pulled them on. he thundered downstairs and out the front door, ignoring the protests of his drunken father.

paul ran.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul,’ y/n would tease him.

maybe not, but he couldn’t do anything else because she wouldn’t fucking let him. y/n had always been stubborn but in the last few months she’d become increasingly closed off and defensive. if paul made the slightest attempt to ‘stick his nose where it didn’t belong’ then she’d shut him out for weeks on end.

being apart from her was agonising.

he used to think sam and jared were exaggerating when they talked about the pain of not seeing their imprints. but now he knew it was all too real and he couldn’t stand it, so paul had learned to bite his tongue so she wouldn’t give him the silent treatment.

that was something that did not come easy to him, but it was easier than not seeing her, not talking to her, not being close to her.

paul knew on some level it was selfish to let y/n play out her fantasises and pretend that everything was fine, he knew it was wrong for indulging her. but whenever he tried to confront her, to help her, then she would shut him out again and he couldn’t bare that.

it was raining heavily now, the hail stones battered off his exposed skin as he dove out of sight behind the tree line.

staying calm was not something paul was good at, he had to spend so much of his energy focusing on blocking out his anger and sadness and pain and anguish just to make sure he didn’t shift at an inappropriate moment.

but right now, he could smash through that blockade and let every emotion flood through his body as his flesh ripped and his bones snapped, and he shed his human form to leave a large, grey wolf in his place.

paul relished in the release, it felt good to finally let go of every negative emotion he was holding onto and embrace the wolf inside of him. he ran through the trees, taking in the smell of the wet earth and the salty sea air.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’

y/n told him that once after a particularly explosive fight he’d had with his father. they sat on the beach, and she stroked his hair as he laid with his head on her lap. he told her he was going to leave home, she pointed out he had no money, he told her that he’d live in the streets if he had to.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’ she had said, her fingers entangled in his hair.

but y/n didn’t seem to adopt that mentality when it came to her own problems, and paul’s desire to protect her made her problems, his problems. and now he had an overwhelming number of problems that everyone kept telling him he couldn’t run away from, but that wasn’t going to stop him from trying.

he kicked up soil and dead leaves behind him as he ran through the woods, the hailstones has subsided to a light drizzle which still managed to soak his fur. he paused to shake the water off him when he hear someone else’s voice in his head, someone else had shifted.

“hey paul.”

“hey jake.”

paul tried to shut off his inner monologue so that jacob couldn’t hear what he was thinking, he thought he was doing an alright job until-

“rough day, huh?”

paul growled.

“yeah i guess, y/n’s seeing her therapist right now....”

“is she getting better?”

paul could sense the concern in jacob’s thoughts but this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have right now.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’

well, what the fuck else was he supposed to do? everyone kept telling him that he couldn’t run away but no one was offering any alternative solutions.

it was always ‘calm down, paul.’

‘you can’t fight your way out of everything, paul.’

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’

well why the fuck not?

no one seemed to understand that he wasn’t running for his own sake but for everyone else’s. and most importantly, for y/n’s. it was excruciatingly difficult to keep those thoughts to himself and out of jacob’s mind, so he began running through the trees again to provide some kind of distraction.

“yeah, she’s going over to emily’s first to help out so i’m meeting her there.”

“do you think you might finally tell her tonight? it’s been nearly a year and she still has no idea....”

“she can’t handle it; she’s got enough going o,n i can’t burden her with all of this too.”

that was only part of it. paul was worried about how y/n would take the news that he, and all his friends were shapeshifting wolves that existed to protect the town from vampires. and even more concerning, how would she take the news that he had imprinted on her? y/n was too fragile right now, he had to protect her even if that meant keeping the truth from her.

but beyond that, he was worried that she wouldn’t accept him. paul had a crippling fear of rejection at the best of times, but the prospect of his own imprint rejecting him was unimaginable.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

maybe not forever, but for right now he was going to sprint as fast as he could.

***

the blazing bonfire crackled just meters in front of them and yet y/n was still shivering; paul wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close into his chest. she nuzzled into him and paul was filled with a burst of euphoria at their closeness. her eyes were barely open as she leaned into him, he tightened his grip on her frozen frame.

“are you okay?” he mumbled into her hair, it smelled like lavender.

she nodded slowly, “yeah, i’m just tired, today was pretty rough.”

paul frowned. he wished that they weren’t surrounded by so many people, they were sat a little away from the rest of the group, but they didn’t have the privacy he would’ve liked.

“do you want to talk about it?”

y/n sniffled, when paul looked down at her he saw tears slowly running down her cheeks and his heart shattered.

he pulled her in closer and wiped away the tears, “hey, hey what’s wrong?”

y/n just shook her head, “i don’t want to talk about it.”

‘you can’t run away from your problems, y/n’ he wanted to say.

“are you sure?” he asked hesitantly, desperately wanting to help but also not wanting her to clam up again.

she looked away from him; the glare from the roaring bonfire reflected in her glassy eyes. paul enveloped one of her cold, bony hand in his and squeezed it gently but her frown persisted. there was a hollowness in his chest as he stared at her miserable expression; paul knew he couldn’t punch away anyone’s problems but as it turns out, holding hands is just as ineffective.

“dr charles wants me to go to inpatient treatment,” she said bluntly, “he says my physical health is deteriorating too much.”

something twisted in his gut.

“but i thought you were…getting better?” he said cautiously.

paul knew that was a lie.

y/n knew that was a lie, but she was so good at pretending otherwise she had everyone convinced that she was getting better. everyone but him, and he didn’t want her to know that she wasn’t fooling him with the ‘i’m eating again, i’m doing great’ routine she had become so well-versed in.

“well, i’m not better,” she snapped, pushing paul off her as she leapt to her feet.

superhuman hearing or otherwise, everyone else around the bonfire heard y/n’s exclamation, and their heads snapped over to stare between her and paul. emily began to stand up but paul waved her off and she sat back down next to sam. he approached y/n slowly, tears continued to stream down her face but when he moved to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder, she pushed him away.

he held up his hands, “okay, okay – i won’t touch you, why don’t we go somewhere quiet to talk-”

“no,” she snapped, “i don’t want to talk paul, all i ever do is fucking talk about my feelings and as long as i say the right things then everyone thinks i’m better, but i’m not fucking better, okay?”

“i know,” he roared back, “i know you’re not better, in fact you’re getting worse. i watch you get sicker every single day, i watch you withering away, i watch you dying and there is nothing that i can do because you won’t let me.”

y/n bit her lip and looked away from him.

tears were burning in paul’s eyes, “i can’t make you better, i can’t make you eat, i can’t look after you and it’s killing me.”

“i never asked you to look after me,” she screamed back, tears flowing freely down her face now, “i don’t know why you think it’s your job to keep me alive but it isn’t-”

“yes, it is!”

paul was shaking now, he was trying to hold onto his humanity with every fibre of his being, but the pain and anger was overwhelming. he was reaching his breaking point. he tried to focus on y/n; she was his anchor and usually the thought of her, focusing on the sound of her heartbeat was enough to calm him down. but usually, she wasn’t the focus is his anger, and now when he looked at her all he saw was how frail and weak she looked.

she was dying and she wouldn’t let him help her.

everyone was staring now; paul didn’t want to be on this beach anymore, he couldn’t deal with this right now. it was all too much; his head was spinning and his limbs were trembling.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

sam leapt to his feet, ready to jump in and tackle paul to the ground as he lurched towards y/n. but instead of shifting and attacking her, he grabbed her hand and led her away from the bonfire and the rest of the pack.

“paul what are you doing?” y/n asked through chattering teeth.

she didn’t try to fight him off but paul knew this was more likely a sign of her lack of energy, and not her willingness to go with him. they were at the edge of the beach now, where the sand bordered with the rough concrete path that led back towards the heart of la push. paul stopped in his tracks and turned to face y/n as he heard her breathing become increasingly shallow.

he studied her intently, emaciated body, pale lips, hollow cheeks. he could hear her heart beating slowly and irregularly inside her chest, he could see her struggling to catch a breath. despite her weakened body she stared back at him, with a clenched jaw and arms crossed across her chest.

“you can’t run away from your problems, y/n,” he finally said.

she snorted, “i’m not you, paul.”

“no, but you’re my impr-” he stopped himself before he revealed too much and ran a hand through his hair, “you’re my best friend y/n i-”

“no, jared is your best friend,” she said pointedly.

“for god’s sake can you stop being difficult for two damn seconds?” he snapped.

she let out a shrill laugh, “right sorry, i forget i’m just an inconvenience to everyone around here, i should just go.”

paul grabbed her hand before she could turn away from him. he towered over her, but when their eyes met it was like nothing else mattered. in every second of his existence, paul was acutely aware that gravity and the laws of nature didn’t bind him to the earth; she did. and when she looked into his eyes like that it only reminded him that she was his everything, before paul knew it, his anger was melting away and there was nothing but pure euphoria flowing through his body.

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself. but in that moment, nothing else mattered except for the fact that y/n was standing chest to chest with him, and she was staring into his eyes. nothing else mattered; not her anger towards him, her disease, his feelings of helplessness, his fear of rejection.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“do you believe in soulmates, y/n?” he asked breathily.

“what?” she asked; her breath billowed out of her chapped lips and hung visibly in the cool september air, thick, like cigarette smoke.

he took a deep breath; it was now or never.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“y/n, there’s something i have to tell you-”

she was the first to break eye contact with him, her pupils dilated suddenly, and her eyes fluttered shut. she managed to grip onto his bicep lightly as she collapsed, but her hand turned limp and rolled gently onto the sand as she lay unconscious in his arms.

***

“clear!” carlisle hollered.

paul reluctantly dropped y/n’s hand as carlisle pressed the paddles to her chest and sent two hundred volts of electricity searing through her lifeless body.

he frowned at the consistent flatline on the monitor, “push ten of epi and charge again,” he ordered the nurse, resuming chest compressions as he waited for the next round of medication to be administered.

paul grabbed her hand again while he had the chance, she was already turning cold. the blood had drained from her face, and paul couldn’t focus on her heartbeat to calm him because she no longer had one.

“clear!”

they repeated the routine they had been performing for the last several minutes; paul let go of her hand, carlisle shocked her, the flatline remained.

the nurse shook her head, “asystole,” she said flatly.

“what does that mean?” paul asked frantically, he looked between carlisle and y/n, “why aren’t you helping her?”

carlisle retrieved a neuro torch from the pocket of his lab coat, peeling back y/n’s eyelids he shone the light over each of her eyes, “pupil’s are fixed and dilated,” he said to the nurse.

“why are you stopping? fix her!” paul wailed.

“i’m sorry paul, there’s nothing else we can do for her,” he said softly, “time of death, 19.08.”

the nurse nodded and made a note on y/n’s chart before exiting the trauma room, leaving just paul, sam, and carlisle in the room with y/n’s lifeless body.

paul didn’t cry, or scream, or phase into a giant wolf. he stood by y/n’s bedside, clutching her hand in his and staring straight ahead at the monitor she was attached to. it continued to let out a continuous, monotone beep. sam, who was just waiting for paul to explode, placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder; paul didn’t have the energy to push him away.

“bring her back,” he croaked.

carlisle looked between paul and sam, “i am very sorry for your loss, paul, but there is nothing else i can do, she’s gone-”

“well bring her back!” he roared, falling to his knees as he continued to clutch y/n’s hand, “you fix her, you bring her back, you change her i don’t care-”

“you know i can’t do that-”

“yes, you can. you’ve done it before, change her i don’t care if she’s a vampire just bring her back,” he sobbed.

“paul, we can’t violate the treaty,” sam barked.

“i don’t give a fuck about the treaty,” he turned his head to snarl at sam, “bring her back right now doc or i swear to god i will-”

“i am very sorry paul, but even if i wanted to change her i couldn’t, it’s too late. there are some things even venom can’t fix, even if i tried the venom wouldn’t be able to circulate her body without a heartbeat.”

paul rose from his knees and dropped y/n’s hand. he was robotic as he began chest compressions, despite protests from carlisle. sam tried to pull paul’s arms away from y/n, but he shoved him off roughly and continued to rhythmically administer cpr.

“paul, you need to stop,” carlisle said, “she’s gone – that isn’t going to help her.”

he ignored him.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’.

he wasn’t running anymore.

for once in his life paul was facing his problem head on.

he wasn’t running anymore.

he was doing what everyone always wanted, and yet sam and carlisle were trying to stop him.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

sam and carlisle winced as there was an audible crack.

“you’re breaking her ribs, paul,” carlisle said, attempting to remove paul’s hands from y/n’s body but he flinched away from the vampire’s icy touch.

carlisle looked at sam pleadingly; sam nodded briefly at him before reaching forward and attempting to drag paul away from y/n’s body. he resisted, struggling against sam’s grip as he maintained the rhythmic compressions. his vision blurred in front of him, refusing to take on the scene before him.

he never got a chance to tell her about the imprint.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

she never regained consciousness after she collapsed.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

he never got to say goodbye.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

he never got to tell her he loved her.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

sam was dragging him backwards, away from y/n; his rigid grip kept paul’s arms pinned to his sides and stopped him from reaching out to cling to y/n.

paul couldn’t breathe.

everything was spinning.

the harsh, fluorescent hospital lights burned his watery eyes; he wanted nothing more than to sink down into darkness till he could awake from this nightmare.

y/n couldn’t be dead.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“someone will need to contact her family, they will need to make arrangements,” carlisle commented quietly, “ i will call them myself if you give me the number.”

“this is my fault,” paul choked out.

“what?”

“it’s my fault,” his voice caught in his throat, “i let her slowly kill herself because i didn’t want her shut me out.”

“y/n was sick for a long time paul-” carlisle began.

“and i could’ve fixed her, but i was too selfish to let her go and now she’s gone forever.”

his knuckles turned white as he gripped the metal pole that ran along the side of y/n’s bed, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her body.

sam placed a hand on his shoulder, “there’s nothing you could’ve done paul, you already did everything you could for her - you can’t love someone back together.”

“what if it was emily?” paul snarled, “would you be so calm and condescending if it was your imprint lying dead in front of you?”

paul’s heart pounded in his chest, he was still unable to look at her. he wanted to remember her alive and breathing, not like this.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“if you’ll excuse me, i should get started on some paperwork,” carlisle said quietly.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, but especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself.

“c’mon paul, you should get out of here.”

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

his eyes flickered up, and the sight of y/n’s corpse sent acidic vomit bubbling up his throat and into his mouth. he turned sharply on his heel and choked out his stomach contents into a bin in the corner.

after he composed himself paul did what he did best.

he ran.

#paul lahote #paul lahote x reader #twilight #twilight imagine #twilight wolf pack #sam uley #emily young #paul lahote imagine #angst #hurt and comfort

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