If you're still taking asks, do you have any opinions/thoughts/etc about the trans feedist community? Have you ever thought about doing voice recordings that bring up stuff like top surgery scars or maybe the more intense appetite those on T get? Or is it something you don't feel comfortable doing (no hate at all, I completely understand)

my opinion is that the trans feedist community is awesome and I'm always fascinated to learn how feedism and weight gain are connected to folks' sense of self and self-expression.

as for voice recordings—I haven't thought about it. I'm open to the idea, though! as a cis person, those details are outside my lived experience, so they aren't top of mind for me, but I could totally include them if requested.

not sure when next I will be writing/recording anything, since my life is currently imploding, but I shall keep this in mind :) thanks for asking!

Some Cinder Thoughts

So I saw this post from @hoepunkausta a while back and was going to reply. Then I realized that this was the first time I’d actually sat down and taken a good look at Cinder and holy cow is there a lot to this character. Anyways, it got me thinking about Cinder's potential background and, while I've always seen her as a foil and tied to Ruby, I never realized how she could potentially tie in to ALL of team RWBY. Which is. . .pretty awesome from not only a narrative point of view but in regards to character redemption as well. Full take under the cut.

TLDR: If we assume Cinder’s backstory is in keeping with the popular version of the Cinderella tale, it ties-in to a lot of the our heroes’ traumas, giving each of them a reason to relate to her. Currently, Salem maintains control over Cinder by presenting herself as the fairy godmother, because were Cinder to see her as the stepmother she was, she would potentially leave. Were she to break away from Salem, recognizing her shared traumas with the members of Team RWBY could provide her with the connection needed to grow and heal as a person.

***Content Warning: Mentions of abuse/abuser tactics***

Intro

The post itself is pretty simple. Do we think Cinder came from an abusive background or do we think she came from a normal family that died under tragic circumstances before she met Salem? I’d always gotten the vibe that Cinder came to Salem searching for power after a life of rather horrific abuse similar to a more traditional Cinderella story.

The way she craves power, not just as a resource but as something she desperately needs for her own survival (her line about Pyrrha “taking her fate into her own hands” in V2 and the “I refuse to starve” of V7 come to mind), leads to believe that she came from a home that didn’t allow her much freedom or agency. She seems to know exactly what it feels like to not be in control of her own life and, now that she has found her escape from it (Salem), refuses to ever go back.

But how does this translate into ties to Team RWBY? She obviously has been foiled with Ruby, but the other 3? Kind of a big leap to make. Well, stick with me. Naturally, when thinking of a Cinder backstory, it makes sense to look at her main allusion, the Cinderella fairy tale.

A Cinder Story

Cinderella doesn’t start her story with an evil stepmother and step sisters. By most accounts she started out fairly privileged. With that in mind, imagine this woman, who we have come to know as a murdering power-driven villain, as a small child with seemingly everything she needed. A loving family, relative financial stability, decent social standing, etc. until one day, out of nowhere. Her mother dies. And suddenly she finds her world turned upside down. Her father remarries to a woman who loathes her and, who, after his death, does her best to control her, isolate her. Everyday she is told she is lesser than her sisters, meant to act as a servant. To cope with the difficult circumstances, she daydreams about a perfect place (in the main story, the ball/landed nobility but in Cinder’s case perhaps the opulence of Atlas) where if she can just prove herself good enough, endure enough pain, she can finally earn a happy ever after.

Now, what’s interesting here is that in just this bare bones outline of the Cinderella story, we touch on the key traumas of each of our four protagonists. Ruby and Summer’s death, Weiss’s isolation and molding under Jacques, Blake’s experience of racism as a faunus and abuse under Adam and Yang’s attempting to live up to Summer’s ideal to cope with abandonment. Which is really fricking cool because it means if ANY of this hypothetical backstory were to come to light, at least SOMEONE if not EVERYONE from the team has a potential point of empathy for where Cinder is coming from.

Something I love about RWBY is how it (for the most part) does its best to show how people are not inherently good or evil, but rather products of their circumstances and environment. So imagine the narrative and thematic potential of a villain for whom each of our cast could theoretically look at and think “Wow. That really could have been me” instead of “look at this monster”. A moment where they realize that, had things gone a bit differently, had they not been a position to cope with their traumas and actively choose to love instead of being engulfed by their pain and anger, they very much could have been this story’s villains rather than its heroes. A moment where, through Cinder, they concretely realize themselves as products of choice rather than destiny and, in that same vein, perhaps Cinder can see the same for herself.

Okay, but what about the Salem part? If we reduce “badness” all to a matter of choice ignores another key theme of RWBY: the importance of an awesome support network and team to back you up. At every point of the series our heroes have had someone to help them. Ruby had Yang and Qrow growing up before her team and JNR after Beacon, Weiss had Winter and Klein, Blake Ilia and Sun, and Yang had Ruby growing up and Tai after Beacon. But who did Cinder have to help her through her darkest times? No one. Except Salem.

The Case of the Fairy Stepmother

That brings me to the second part of the question: Is Salem the stepmother or Fairy Godmother? Honestly I think it’s both. The real question (and what I think will be the biggest obstacle for Cinder growing as a character) is how does Cinder see it?

In the Cinderella story, the Fairy Godmother and Evil Stepmother play opposing roles. Stepmother does all that she can to keep Cinderella underfoot and away from realizing her full potential as a person while the Fairy Godmother steps in when Cindy is at her lowest and uses her magic to give her all that she needs to get that “Happily Ever After”. In theory it should be impossible for one person to be both at the same time, but turns out it’s a matter of perspective.

Imagine Cinder at her lowest point. Maybe she was a no-name seamstress in Argus who daydreamed about being swept up into the glamour of the Atlas elite. Maybe she was a scared kid who saw becoming a huntress as her ticket out of poverty and into a life of adventure. Imagine her getting that wish of her own accord. Playing the game, doing everything right, biding her time until finally, she escapes - only to find herself trapped in a new way. (a Prince Charming who controls her as a plaything, a student not willing to be a child soldier, there are so many possibilities here). Only to see that the system was stacked against her in way where she could never escape it under her own power. That’s. . . a lot to process and a feeling of hopelessness that I think a lot of us can relate to (especially in our current world-state).

Then Salem comes in and not only promises Cinder the power to create her own destiny, but delivers it. Cinder goes from having almost nothing to magically receiving the means to accomplish anything she desired. All because of Salem. I see a lot of people question why Cinder is so loyal to Salem, but given this view, it’d be very difficult for her not to feel indebted to her savior in some regard.

Furthermore, Salem seems relatively fond of Cinder. She defends her from ridicule in Volume 4, goes out of her way to praise her strengths and, honestly, seems to have more patience with her than the rest of WTCH.  Given her backstory, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised if what drew Salem to Cinder was the chance to give this angry young woman the power she wished that she had had prior to her curse. It’s almost. . . motherly. In a way I would expect a millennia old woman driven mad by isolation and Grimm Lakes and a very traumatized Cinder to view motherhood.

But, that doesn’t mean that the two have a healthy relationship. We as the audience see how Salem’s “love” comes at a price. She never hesitates to keep Cinder underfoot: oscillating between praise and threats of punishment, criticizing Cinder’s discomfort in Volume 4 as weakness, and making it clear that Cinder is only important to her insofar as her usefulness. The whole “Without you I am nothing” really illustrates how far out of her way Salem goes to make Cinder painfully aware that all that she has, all that she has accomplished is because of Salem’s magic. Salem hasn’t helped Cinder as a benefactor. A benefactor would let Cinder proceed to live her own life. Salem has instead taken advantage of Cinder’s lack of any support network and feelings of isolation to establish herself as Cinder’s sole source of support.

While we as an audience can see how abusive this dynamic is, Cinder can’t. Right now, she’s more or less fully embedded in Salem’s manipulation tactics - Salem’s narrative is her truth. And, even if she does come to see it (don’t think I missed the hints of resentment in the trailer), there’s nowhere for her to go. What can she do? Go rogue? The woman has an entire Grimm army! Turn to Emerald, Mercury, or Neo? They’re all either children or also in on all this! Just like the Stepmother, so long as Salem keeps Cinder feeling isolated, the chances of her escaping or changing remain slim.

Seeds of Support and Redemption

So, that leaves us with two things Cinder needs in order to break away from Salem:

Recognizing Salem as a controlling/toxic “Stepmother” figure instead of a  “Fairy Grimm-Mother” and that this is NOT what she wants out of life.

Finding connections/a support network she can go to after leaving

This is why Cinder having parallels to all of Team RWBY is so frickin cool. I’m still not 100% certain of a full Cinder redemption. Like, I love her as a character. But part of the reason I love her is that she is a hot mess who will go full ride or die no matter the situation. So getting her to even pause and go “is this what I want out of my life?” is probably going to take something pretty drastic to rattle her current convictions.

However, that being said, I find it really suspicious that the team would take a character that could be used to parallel the traumas of all four main heroes and just hang her out to dry. In a different show, I might think they could set her up with a death as a warning for our protagonists. But, that doesn’t make sense. Every possible warning I can think of motivating Cinder’s death is already being conveyed by another character. The dangers of falling to spite? Adam. Isolation causes only weakness and pain? Raven. Sacrificing humanity for the sake of power is a crap idea? Ironwood.

Instead, these seems like a great way to set up a situation where Cinder can find connection. After all, if our team could potentially look at Cinder and go “This could have been me”, what’s to stop Cinder from looking at them, seeing their pain and how they support each other, and going “Huh. Maybe this could be me?”. Especially if something radical has just happened to get her to want to break away from Salem for whatever reason. Maybe I’m just crazy, maybe I’ve been sitting on this too long, but I think that that would be really cool for a show about the power of love and connection to have its longest-term “villain” illustrate how, given support and humanity, victims of abuse can grow and find genuine connection with people.

TarotScopes: April 2020

Hey, y’all!

So, March was weird. lol. Hopefully April will bring some positive energy into your lives. Just find your sun sign below for your April forecast. You can also look at your moon and rising as those messages may resonate for you as well. If you have any questions about your sign’s TarotScope, feel free to send an ask or message me! 

Feel free to reblog and let me know if your TarotScope resonated with you. If you are interested in purchasing a personal reading, please visit Blue Skies Tarot and browse through my readings. I’m sure you’ll find something that fits your needs! 

Love, Tara

Aries

The Dove Spirit Reversed with the 6 of Wands Reversed, 8 of Coins Reversed, and the Magician Reversed

So, in April, I do feel that something will be threatening your inner peace, Aries. Someone in your work place or school may leave you feeling discouraged.This may start to have a negative impact on your work performance, so it is important to not let someone insignificant affect your inner peace. Don’t allow this person to get the best of you. The Magician Reversed suggests that this person is a trickster and they get some kind of sick joy out of messing with people. So, it is important to not let this person get a rise out of you because that is exactly what they are looking for. Find peace within this month by taking extra care of yourself and by bringing peace to others who may also be affected by this person through kind words or a kind smile. 

Taurus

Fox Spirit Reversed with the 6 of Wands, 10 of Coins Reversed, and Justice Reversed

So, I feel that April will be a pretty positive month for you in terms of your inner growth and confidence in yourself. I feel like in past months, you’ve felt a little unbalanced and there may have been situations in your life that were pretty toxic that left you feeling unworthy or undeserving. Whatever those situations were, I do feel like they had a very negative impact on your self-worth. Maybe you ended a relationship, lost a job, or had a fight with someone close to you. However, I do feel like the effects of that situation are leaving your life this month. You’ve probably had a lot of time to work on yourself because of this whole social distancing thing and I do feel as though that work will start to pay off. I think you’ll start to feel more confident and you’ll have a better outlook. If people have made you feel inferior in the past, know that it is okay to open up to people because not everyone is toxic. There is no longer a need for you to hide yourself in order to protect your heart. 

Gemini

Butterfly Spirit Reversed with the Queen of Swords Reversed, King of Coins Reversed, and the 7 of Swords Reversed

The Butterfly Spirit is all about change and it is reminding you that transformation doesn’t need to be drastic or traumatizing. Instead of seeing life’s changes through a lens of hurt and sadness, try to understand that these changes have happened because they were meant to better you and bring you to a better place in your life. Right now, you are being asked to let go of the walls of ice you have put around yourself and your heart. I understand that sometimes we need to put up walls to heal but now is the time to take them down and start feeling again. The King of Coins Reversed and the 7 of Swords Reversed suggests that in your past, there may have been a father figure, authority figure, or just someone in your life who saw themselves as being in control of you. This person was likely very manipulative, greedy, and controlling. I feel that there was a situation with this person that was based in corruption, greed, or betrayal that wounded you badly and that is why you had to take some time for yourself to heal. However, know that this situation is in your past and it is now safe for you to come out of your shell and start living in the present. 

Cancer

Frog Spirit Reversed, Knight of Wands, 7 of Cups, and 3 of Coins Reversed

During the month of April, you may be faced with a difficult choice, Cancer. The Frog Spirit is asking you to clear out what is weighing you down and what is no longer serving you. This is likely something you’ve been holding onto for quite some time and refusing to let go of. In fact, I feel like this is a person for most of you. There may be a deep emotional connection you feel to this person. This is likely someone who is very outgoing, fun to be around, and exciting. I feel like there is a strong attraction to this person. It could be a physical attraction if this is a love interest or if it’s a platonic connection, I feel that this person just brings a lot of fun and excitement into your life. Unfortunately, I feel like this person may be a toxic influence in your life. The 3 of Coins Reversed suggests that this person does not give as much as they get. You put so much of your heart and soul into your relationship but they don’t even reciprocate half of that. They are just not putting in the effort and they may even be making you feel unsure of where you stand with them. April will present you with a choice to either let them go or to allow them to continue bringing negativity into your life. 

Leo

Spider Spirit with the 9 of Pentacles Reversed, 3 of Swords, and the Chariot

Unfortunately, dear Leos, you may have faced a difficult change in your career or this may be a change that is coming toward you in April. The 9 of Pentacles Reversed and the 3 of Swords indicates that this will be a change that is most likely deeply rooted in hurt and betrayal at your place of work. This change may leave you feeling confident and it may have caused a substantial financial burden. There is good news here though! The Chariot reassures you that this is a change that is for your highest good and it’s purpose is to move you forward in the direction you are destined for. Yes, this is a change that will hurt and that will cause a lot of stress on your professional life. However, the Spider Spirit tells you that this is first step you will take toward reaching your biggest dreams. You may have been thinking a lot about where you want to go and what you want to achieve in the future. Well, it is those thoughts that have manifested this change and it will lead you to somewhere better. So, don’t fret, Leos! 

Virgo

Eagle Spirit with the Lovers Reversed, Temperance Reversed, and the 3 of Coins

In the month of April, you may find yourself in the midst of tension and arguments with a spouse or significant other, Virgo. You may be going through some lovers spats this month that will require both parties to practice greater compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. I don’t feel that this will be anything bad and it won’t result in any drastic changes in your relationship. I just feel like it may put a little strain on your relationship this month. It will require teamwork and effort on both your parts to minimize the tension and strain. However, the Eagle Spirit reassures that the universe has your back and is protecting your relationship. So, don’t take these arguments too seriously because they will pass. 

Libra

Hawk Spirit with the Page of Wands, 10 of Coins Reversed, and the 6 of Coins Reversed

You are being asked to pay attention to your own spirit this month, Libra. I feel like you’ve have become so established in your life and so set in your routine that you have begun to stagnate and lose your sense of excitement for life. So, the universe is wanting you to take some time this month to figure out what makes you feel passionate and inspired. What really moves your soul? Whatever it is, do more of it. Stop focusing so much on your career and being financially secure. All of that focus on the material world has caused a disconnect with the spiritual world. So, if you have felt like you’ve been stuck in a rut for awhile, now is a good time to take a step away from material matters and put more focus on doing things that make you happy and things that help you feel a greater connection to Spirit this month. This will help you open up more spiritually and you may start to feel your spiritual side and talents grow fairly quickly. So, make sure you are paying attention to any signs or dreams that spirit is sending your way this month. 

Scorpio

Ant Spirit with the World, Ace of Coins Reversed, and The Moon Reversed

April will be a month of collaboration for you, Scorpios! I feel like many of you may have recently started a new financial venture or project. So, you’ve been working hard on that and you may have felt a little uncertain as to whether you would be able to complete it and whether it would be successful. The good news is that in April, you’ll get the clarity you’ve been looking for and you’ll start to see real success this month. The World indicates that you may reach a pretty big milestone or accomplish something important with this project. However, it will be because of collaboration that this success comes about. So, make sure that you are working with others during this time. However, the Ant spirit indicates that you will have to find new ways to collaborate this month because the world we live in doesn’t allow us to work together in the same ways we usually do. Just make sure that you are staying in touch with people and working together even though it is not in the way you are used to. 

Sagittarius

Pig Spirit with the High Priestess, Empress Reversed, and the 3 of Cups Reversed

The Pig Spirit asks you to use your mind wisely this month, Sagittarius. Lately, I feel like you have been using your mind to focus on negativity and toxic thought patterns.The Empress Reversed suggests that your confidence in yourself has been lacking substantially and I feel like you’ve been going through some issues with friends in your life. I just feel that there are many toxic influences in your friend group that are causing you to question yourself and they have spent a lot of time making you feel less than what you really are. So, the High Priestess is asking you to go within this month and connect with your soul on a deeper level. Once you are able to find that deeper connection with your soul and the universe around you, you will see that the opinions of others do not matter. So, spend some alone time with yourself this month and stay focused on growth and correcting negative thought patterns. 

Capricorn

Snake Spirit with the 9 of Swords Reversed, the Moon, and the 4 of Cups

April will be a month that brings healing for you. Unfortunately, I feel like the last few months have been very difficult for you and for that, I am so sorry, Capricorns. The Moon suggests that you’ve been feeling very uncertain and lost. Those feelings have resulted in severe worry and anxiety. You may have had trouble sleeping lately or you may have had nightmares that haunted you at night. Whatever you went through left you with a lot of negative energy that is still affecting you. However, April will bring you the solitude you need to rest, recover, and heal from those past hurts. The Snake Spirit tells you that now is the time to devote your energy and focus to yourself and your healing. Self-care is super important for you right now. So, find some ways to nourish your soul. Whether they are tried and true methods of self-care that you know will always help you or some new method that you’ve found, either will help. So, read your favorite book, take a long hot bath everyday if you feel like it, or spend time in nature. Whatever it is that makes you feel at peace is what you need to be devoted to at this time. 

Aquarius

Lion Spirit with the 6 of Coins Reversed, 10 of Coins Reversed, and the 4 of Swords

The Lion spirit asks you to find the balance between pride and humility this month. Normally, I feel that you are always trying to help others simply because you enjoy it and because it makes you feel good about yourself. It is that generous and humble way of being that makes you special. However, I do feel that it is important for you to balance that generous spirit that you share so freely and to turn some of that generosity onto yourself. The 6 of Coins Reversed and the 10 of Coins Reversed suggests that you have shared so much of yourself and of your material resources that you have become run down. Now is the time to rest and turn your generosity on yourself. Treat yourself this month instead of giving everything you have to others. 

Pisces

Bee Spirit with the 6 of Swords Reversed, 7 of Cups Reversed, and Knight of Wands Reversed

So, Pisces, I feel like you have been waiting patiently for something you have wanted for a while. However, that patience is starting to run thin this month. You may find yourself questioning whether to keep the faith or to give up. The 7 of Cups Reversed indicates uncertainty and feeling lost. I just feel like you don’t know what to do or how to proceed in order to manifest this dream. However, the Bee spirit assures you that results are coming and what you have been waiting for is right around the corner. So, this is definitely not the time to give up on your dream. This is simply a delay and yes, it may be frustrating but it will only make the reward that much sweeter when it does come to you. 

enemies to friends! tom and harrison where the reader is toms assistant and both tom and harrison hate her, but she really needs the job so she could rent out an apartment and they find out she’s homeless 🥺

thank you so much for sending in this blurb! I got a little carried away with this prompt, haha, I hope you like it! 

Ever since you landed the job of being Tom’s assistant, you did everything(and I mean everything) in your power to keep said job. For what seemed like the longest time, you have been struggling financially. If you were being completely honest, the job was hard; it took such a huge toll on you. You had to drop everything in your life and pretty much be responsible for another human being, putting their needs before yours. Your life now revolved around Tom Holland.

You have been Tom’s assistant for about 3 months now, and boy, you were stressed and overworked. You could say that since you desperately needed to keep this job, there were moments were you were a “bitch”. Being a stickler for the rules his management team had created, expecting you to enforce them and him to follow.

It got really frustrating at times. But you had to do what you had to do. This was the only stable job you’ve ever gotten and the pay and benefits were what kept you off the streets.

Tom had quite a busy day planned. You knocked and entered his and Harrison’s apartment, in search for them. You needed to have him leave at a set time before he was late for his assignments for the day. And now was not the day to be yelled at by the higher ups. You made your way into the kitchen, following the sounds of their voices. Just as you were about to make your presence known, you completely froze at the sound of your name.

“Haz, I can’t deal with this anymore, I can’t work with Y/N. If I’m being brutally honest, she’s such a bitch man, like she is literally the devil; she literally makes my life a living hell. Always following the rules. Like what the hell crawled up her ass and caused her to be this way? I can’t stand her.”

“Mate, I know. I was literally thinking the same thing. She’s always so serious, like c’mon, live a little, why don’t you? When’s your next meeting with your management team? I think it’s time that you say something to them, tell them how awful she is. Something, anything to get rid of her. ”

Your hand quickly flew right over your mouth, before any sound managed to escape.

So this is how they really thought about you?

The reason why you are like this was because you cared greatly for this job. But it was mainly because you were homeless, you never shared that with anyone, embarrassed of your circumstances.

Yeah the job was hard, he was hard to work with, but it paid the bills. Since landing this position, you were able to get an apartment of your own. It was either suck it up and be a big girl and just do what you have to do or be homeless. No one knew you were homeless. It was such a dark time that you refused to talk about it, not wanting to relive that chapter of your life. If you didn’t follow management’s rules, you could say goodbye to everything you’ve worked so hard for to obtain, and return to living on the streets.

You didn’t know how long you stood there but enough was enough. If you didn’t move, you all would’ve been in deep trouble.

You entered the kitchen and before you could even register what was going on, you were yelling.

“I’m sorry I’m such a bitch to be around and it’s been absolute hell working with me, but my life depends on this. I was not blessed and fortunate like you. Not like you’d even care. The reason why I am the way I am is because my life is shit. If I don’t abide by the rules, I’m out on the streets again. Back to dumpster diving and sleeping in cardboard boxes or homeless shelters. So I’m sorry if I take this opportunity to change my life around too seriously” you yelled, your body heaving. Before they could even respond, you spoke again.

“Your ride is waiting for you both, I suggest you be on your way before you’re late. Don’t worry about management, I’ll deal with them.” you spoke, your voice barely a whisper.

“Y/N, I-I”

“Drop it Tom, I don’t want to hear anything, it’s whatever. You should get going”

Reluctantly, he obliged. Both him and Haz  putting their heads down, as they made their way out the door and into the awaiting car.

You informed your boss stating that Tom was on his way. Just before you hung up, you informed her that you were resigning from your position. Apologizing endlessly. She asked for a reason as to why, you made up some excuse and she reluctantly agreed, respecting your decision.

Tom went about his day, his mind still replaying the whole encounter, feeling like a total dick. He needed to apologize before the day ended.

Right as he had finished his last obligation for the day, he received a call from the management team. He found out that you had resigned from your position and that they were in the process of finding him a new assistant, hopeful to get one within the next few days.

Guilt. He felt an immense amount of guilt, knowing he was the reason for all of this.

Once the call ended, he called you. Or at least, he tried to. He realized you had turned off your phone.

You arrived at your apartment and began packing. It was about 2 hours in when you were met with incessant banging.

You knew who it was. You ignored his calls and kept on packing.

Before you could even process what was going on, you were met face to face with him and Haz. Both lads out of breath and they began speaking. Muttering their apologies.

You held your hand out, signalling them to stop. Nothing they could possibly say or do was going to change your mind.

They apologized endlessly. Hopeful that their actions would suffice and have you keep your job. It took Tom who shed a few tears for you to realize the magnitude of the situation. In the time that you knew him, he only cried when things were serious.

“I’m sorry about what happened today. I’m so sorry for judging you. I’m sorry to hear that you’re homeless. I appreciate all that you do for me. I’m so stupid, and a really big asshole. In terms of your position as assistant, it’s yours, that’s if you still want it, of course. In all honesty, I don’t want anyone else but you.”

Haz apologized to you as well. Both lads remorseful for their words.

In took you a moment to take in all that has happened.

You forgave them both, and agreed to keep your job.

Months have passed since that ordeal and things have brightened up drastically; you became a little less uptight,and actually let loose a bit; you managed to gain the trust and friendship of not only Tom, your boss, but with his best friend as well. Things were working well in your favor and you couldn’t be any happier.

Longest, rambling post of my life. But I have hope that if I write it all down, I can somehow move past it, and then maybe my art, writing, friendships, and relationships won’t suffer anymore. 

Some things you should know before I even start: 

- I have ALWAYS been poly. I have been in poly relationships since I was 19 (I am almost 27). It hasn’t been easy, I’ve learned a lot and made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve never hidden it from anyone. At this time in my life, two years or so ago, I had two live-in partners and we were a triad. I had been with one partner for seven years, I had been with the other about three. When the subject of this narrative (Louis) and I got together, they were ALSO dating someone else. They had a girlfriend. I had met their girlfriend, I knew they were together and I was fine with it (of course). 

- Louis and I are multiple, which some of you probably know what that means without me having to explain it and some of you are probably like ????? the fuck. It’s something I don’t really want to talk about because I don’t feel like defending my head, but if I can boil it down to bare bones for the sake of the narrative, just know that it means both of us come with handfuls of extra people and they have relationships with each other as well. 

- Obligatory - there are two sides to every story, this is just mine. I handled a lot of things badly in this situation, but I still need to let these feelings out. I need to feel heard because one thing about Louis is our mutuals will never, ever see some of these things about them.  Everyone loves them and thinks they’re a bright spot of sunshine. Which is fine. But it would be nice to be believed after so much public suffering and humiliation. 

The Narrative: 

I met Louis three (almost four) years ago because we worked the same job. We were friends. I thought they were so cool and just really wanted them to like me. I also had a crush on another coworker (Armand), and the three of us were friends. 

About two years ago, Louis invited Armand and I over for dinner and a movie. Louis’ house is very small and only has a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. So we were sitting in the bedroom, on the bed, watching movies. I was extremely nervous because I had such a crush on both of them. (To my knowledge, at the time, Louis was in a monogamous relationship and I respected that, I never made a move). It was getting really late, and after what felt like hours of my working up the nerve, I finally summoned enough courage to hold Armand’s hand. It got better - he WANTED to hold my hand. I was overjoyed, even more so when he leaned over to give me a kiss.  Louis was absolutely livid. He got up and left the room, left the house. I wasn’t quite sure why he was upset (maybe he didn’t want us kissing in his room?) Armand went out to talk to him but he wasn’t feeling incredibly communicative. We all ended up sleeping in the same bed anyway, hoping in the morning he would tell us what was wrong. We all had work the next day. 

We were all VERY close at this point, so it was unusual for us not to speak at work. Louis did not say a WORD. He did not speak to us at all. He looked like he was going to cry the entire time. Armand and I could not get him to say a word to either of us. 

I know this is a whole lot of set-up, but it really sets the tone for the entire relationship. 

It comes out at the end of the day that Louis was upset because HE had a crush on ME. And when I kissed Armand it felt like the ultimate betrayal. We all talked about it and it eventually boiled down to, why does it have to be this way? Why don’t I date both of them? I really liked both of them. Armand had very strong feelings for Louis. Louis had strong feelings for me. Armand and I had already expressed our feelings for each other. It seemed like a seamless transition. 

And we were all happy! For like, I don’t know, two weeks? Louis started asserting his boundaries. He did not want Armand and I to hold hands while we were all out in public together. He wanted us to keep PDA to a minimum altogether. It started involving the headspace (where X from his headspace did not want X from my headspace to be in a relationship with anyone Armand had). (And, as an extra note, my headspace is full of poly people as well. I have NEVER taken kindly to anyone trying to enforce monogamy on them).  Armand and I tried to work around everything, but just a couple months into the relationship it was all too much. With Louis breaking down almost every time I visited him, saying it hurt too much, he could not stand my relationship with Armand, etc. I ended up breaking down and breaking up with Armand, I could not take the pressure, and Louis’ struggles with the relationship and his rules and his breakdowns were haunting me even in bed. It absolutely sucked the joy out of dates and overnights. And in hindsight, I fucked up pretty badly with this one. 

After Armand and I broke up, my relationship with Louis drastically changed, and I mean, everything was good for a while. My relationship with my now-husband got back on the rails and started greatly improving (we had been on the rocks for a while), although my relationship with my then-wife was starting to decline (it’s oversimplifying a lot but I’m trying to stay focused on the key points). Louis and my husband (James) started dating each other as well. I was like, this is perfect! The three of us had an intense relationship, and it got very domestic very quickly. We even started talking about everyone moving in together. Even though things were far from perfect, they were just perfect enough that the weird rules and limitations that were still in place seemed like reasonable limits that I was just overreacting to. 

This is all glossing over a very important undercurrent: the idea that his mental health was more important than anyone else’s. HIS needs were special, HE needed more consideration, HE deserved special treatment because he has BPD. (Note: he talks about his BPD like I have never known another goddamn person in this world with BPD. I have known several people, including my mother, and none of them act like he does). So in his mind, sure there were rules but there were always to be exceptions at his discretion, because he HAD to be the exception, goddamn it. 

And then it just all went hideously South. I am not privy to all of the details of what went wrong (or if I’ve been told the details I have absolutely lost them in the vacuum of my “HIDE ALL OF THAT BAD THINGS” brain), but Louis and James broke up. It was a big time, messy breakup. Now I’m torn between the two houses. I’m spending almost every other night with Louis. 

And the breakdowns just get more and more frequent. He can’t STAND that I’m still with James. He doesn’t understand how I could be with someone who hurt him so much (and James doesn’t understand how I could be with someone who hurt him so much, either). He’s cutting again, threatening suicide again. There are countless times when I’m called to his house in the middle of the night, breaking through his door and into his bathroom because he has swallowed a bunch of pills, or because he is trying to cut himself open in his bathtub. There were numerous times where I was calming him down, bandaging him up, taking him to bed. This became like, a weekly occurrence. 

And things became bad at work, too. He was ALWAYS blowing up at me at work  I work retail, so I would be on the register and he would be blowing up my phone. He would get mad at me if I did not read and reply to his messages, and usually when I did that, I just got so upset that I would cry. I cried in front of customers. I had to excuse myself from the register to go cry behind the building. Sometimes, I would start my shift with him saying “I’m done. It’s over. (RE: We are breaking up)” so I would go through my whole shift with this “we are broken up” argument, although he would still be texting me, berating me, and then by the end of my shift he doesn’t want to break up with me, he needs me, he’s having a panic attack, he’s going to hurt himself. And there were a few times I got fed up and tried to end it myself, but I ALWAYS caved because I thought he was going to hurt himself. 

I was just never, never enough. I spent so much time trying to be a good partner and give everyone my attention like 100% of the time I neglected my art, my writing - he was jealous of people I made art or wrote for that I wasn’t even with. I had made a lot of strides with my own mental health but I was having immense breakdowns because I could not take it. 

He did not want James and I to get married. He said he would break up with me if we did, even though it made financial / practical sense. (He acknowledged that it did, too, he just did not want it to happen). 

(SIDE STORY: James and I are (legally) married. We have not had a ceremony yet because of -gestures to entire narrative-. My then-wife (Claire) and I had a wedding ceremony years ago but never made it legal. During THAT ceremony, our at the time mutual girlfriend attended the wedding and was very supportive of us and our special day. With Louis, I never asked for that kind of involvement, I never asked him to do anything that made him uncomfortable as far as even acknowledging my marriage to James - in the past Louis and I had even talked about having a ceremony of our own, because I believe in celebrating love and flaunting my partners and parties, of course. I did not really even ask for his support or blessing, it’s just I had had such a positive experience with multiple partners supporting each other in the past that this just like - blew my mind out of the water).

I think the last straw was one night, Louis broke a special mug to use the glass to cut himself. He wanted to kill himself. I went to his house in the middle of the night, I don’t drive so James had to wake up our son and drive me there. James drove home, I calmed Louis down, put him to bed, confiscated the glass so he could not hurt himself again and put it all in a bowl. So I’m standing on the porch, in the cold, shivering and barely verbal with a bowl full of broken, bloody glass - taking an Uber home in the middle of the night. 

It was like that for a while, stuck in a loop of “we are breaking up - now things are okay - no, things are bad again, we are breaking up - things are back to being okay”. I think the last straw was when he broke up with me on New Year’s Eve. I told him “if you break up with me, that’s it, we are broken up. I’m not doing this anymore”. And it was over. For a little while. 

But we still worked together, and feelings were still very raw. I still felt responsible for his mental health. He spent a while avoiding me, he would not talk to me, when he did start talking to me again it was evident that we still had feelings for each other, but maybe he knew I still felt responsible. He would still tell me when he was cutting, when he felt like killing himself. Work was hell for a little while and I felt even more isolated than before. All of my coworkers think he’s great and I knew none of them would believe me if I tried to confide in even one of them what he was putting me through. 

I kept trying to distance myself from him and from the things he was doing and saying. One day he called out of work and said he was going to stay home and kill himself instead. I ended up neglecting my shift to call the police and have them show up at his house to do a wellness check. (NOTE: I do not trust police and was very conflicted about calling them at all, but there wasn’t a lot I could do and he said he had swallowed a whole bottle of pills). After they left he was mad at me. 

Glossing over a lot - but we did not stay broken up long. We got back together only a few months ago. It was an even more difficult, strained relationship this time around (although I’m not saying that no part of it was good, I mean, we genuinely had some good times and some wonderful aspects of the relationship. It just, as always, gets buried underneath the shit. I really LOVE this man, okay, we have something special, but he rakes my mental health over the coals again and again). Because of his (now non-existent) relationship with James, everything that had been bad before was getting amplified. At this point in my life, Claire and I had ended our relationship and become just friends. James and I were together, and I had another long-distance partner (William) who I had dated in the past and recently we had come back together. 

Well, okay, Louis does not really like either William or James. He also does not like it when I casually flirt or send nudes to other people (which I have done my whole life, and have made clear I do, no one comes into a relationship with me ignorant of the fact that I am still in my ho phase and I enjoy recreational flirting and nude exchanges). He wants my nudes to be special for him, he says that knowing other people have seen my boobs makes him sad. 

At this point, it does not matter if we are having a bad night or a good one. We could be cuddling and watching a show and he will just turn to me and tell me that he will be sad when we break up, but we are going to have to break up, because he can’t live like this. I would ask him why we are still together if he wants to break up, and he’s like, he doesn’t WANT to, he just knows we will. (That fucks with me? Understandably, I feel).  He becomes more and more insistent that James and I break up. Louis wants to be my one special partner and wants everyone else to be a casual side piece. (Even though, EVEN THOUGH, he has cried to me many times about feeling insignificant, about feeling like a side piece, about feeling like a mistress - which I have absolutely paid attention to and tried to remedy at eVERY TURN by giving him way more than I think was fair to my other partners). 

Our relationship recently came to a head (again). I have been given the opportunity to move to my hometown (a few hours away) for Cosmetology school. In the beginning, I was not sure of where i was going to be, if I was going alone, or what was going to happen. Louis said he did not think our relationship would survive if I brought James with me. Because my experience talking to him about things as they develop has always been bad (and because our state is in lockdown, I have not been able to see him) I didn’t communicate my plans very well as they developed, and when he heard that James, the baby, and I were all moving together that was kind of it. He asked me “What are you going to do to prevent a breakup?” and I just kind of lost my shit. I was done, so completely done, and exhausted. So I broke it off and haven’t really been texting him. Because if I text him, I get nauseous, and I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks. I’m like, running on four hours of sleep at best most days. His boys will reach out to mine, because he knows my boys are weak and brokenhearted and they will talk even if I won’t. And then he has the audacity to text me, “X is upset at being neglected, but I’ve stopped caring tbh”. And I just feel so fucking godawful all the time. He won’t hesitate to tell me he is cutting, he is going to kill himself, he is drinking all of the time and he won’t stay sober. 

I have told him, multiple times, that I need an equal partner. I need a partner who will support me as much as he expects to be supported. He has told me flat out “I can’t do that”. 

I am ready to leave this city. There is a lot I did not even talk about, but these are, I guess, the major points I replay over and over in my head when I can’t sleep at night. Maybe I am my own worst enemy for perpetuating the cycle. I know there are a lot of points in the past where I could have brought my foot down and maybe stopped it from getting worse, but I’ve felt stuck, I still feel stuck. And I’m always going to feel responsible. Of course, this is all the bad stuff, it doesn’t really talk about all of the GOOD stuff we have. There is lots of good stuff. But I don’t think the good stuff can hold up against all of the messy, toxic shit.  I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong? 

✧･ﾟ: * (  park jiwon  ,  cis  female ,  she / her  )  have  you  seen  violet  hwang  around  ?   i  hear  the  twenty-one  year  old  is  working  as  an  art  director  .  did  you  know  they  have  97  love  alarm  points  ?  if  they  ever  want  to  be  truly  loved  someday  they  should  ease  up  on  being  temperamental  &  enigmatic  .  at  least  you  can  say  they’re  disarming  &  convivial,  too.  /  love alarm blocked

                     hello  !  im  xan  and  ur  watching  d*sney  channel ...  just  kidding  we  do  NOT  support  big  corporations  who  just  wanna  take  ur  money  😔  im  22  ,  from  the  est  timezone  (  even  though  my  sleeping  schedule  ...  does  not  reflect  that  sjbdwjkbdjdw  )  &  i  go  by  she  /  her  pronouns  !  im  gonna  be  honest  this  intro  is  gonna  be  completely  winged  so  buckle  up  ....  and  meet  violet  😋 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     quick stats + aesthetics  !

full name: violet hwang. 

nickname(s): vee, vivi.

zodiac: tba....

sexuality: bisexual.

birthplace: manhattan, new york.

current residence: toronto, canada.

aesthetics: maraschino cherries at the bottom of a glass, driving with the windows down at night, unanswered text messages, black nail polish, the sound of rain hitting the windowpane, kissing and not telling, smiles that don’t quite reach the eyes.

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     backstory ! 

was born and raised in nyc baby ! she’s a true city girl, grew up in lower manhattan ( the financial district if u wanna get specific ) to a family with lots of $$$$ thanks to her father’s position as a ceo of an investment bank located on wall street 

life was pretty smooth until she was 17 and her father got arrested for embezzlement and fraud </3 it was actually a huge scandal for the investment bank he worked for because it was a whole group of higher ups who had been in on these crimes. basically a bunch of already rich men trying to get richer ... disgusting ik /: 

her life changed pretty drastically after that ! the hwang name was all over the news, their family was pretty much disgraced by high society in nyc, not a very fun time for anyone but especially not for violet’s mom 

after her dad got arrested violet was uhh high key furious with him for ruining their lives with his greed and she wanted nothing to do with him, but her mom couldnt let go. she was still defending him, spending the money they had left on lawyers which included the money the family had set aside for violet’s trust fund that she would have had access to once she was 18 </3

 so her plans for college changed pretty drastically JSDBJWBDJW ( goodbye ivy league education ) she actually ended up getting into the university of toronto for visual studies on an academic scholarship 

so she made the big move all on her own....moved into a tiny dorm...and vowed to reinvent herself. she didnt wanna be labeled as the daughter of a white collar criminal anymore so she just made it a point not to talk to much abt her past to anyone 

her struggles as someone who grew up with $$$$ turning into a broke college student made for some embarrassing but funny moments <3 luckily though everyone else had their own struggles so no one found it suspicious JSBDJWBDJ

when love alarm launched three years ago, violet had just started college so it was really the Big thing anyone and everyone was talking about. since she’d never been a fan of other dating apps, she wasn’t gonna download it but her roommate at the time convinced her ! at first it was fun, just something she didnt take too seriously 

fast forward to graduation and she’s snagged a job as an art director for a little local museum, doing freelance art directing on the side to help pay the bills. low and behold one day a photographer hires her to be the art director to a shoot they’re doing for a badge club member who was in a very high profile and public relationship at the time

violet ended up working with that photographer and badge club member a handful of times, enough for her to catch fee-🤢 catch feelin-🤢 i cant even say it .. she’d never rung anyone’s love alarm before, so of course her first time had to be with someone who was already taken </3 safe to say she ... freaked out 

she was embarrassed above all else, but also heartbroken bc in her head like ... why would someone who literally is part of an exclusive club based on ppl ringing their love alarm care that she rung theirs ? she didnt think it’d be a big deal to them the way it was to her ( but also didn’t stick around long enough to find out jsxbsjbdjw ) 

when she was offered the block she didn’t hesitate to use it figuring it’s better if no one knows her romantic feelings ever again like that /: she’d delete the app but a part of her still likes knowing there are ppl out there who DO like her like that so ... Rip truly 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     personality + tidbits !

she comes across as ... kind of a bitch SDJBJWBJWBDW it’s truly not on purpose she just has a pretty serious resting expression most of the time ( so she looks mad or annoyed even when she isn’t ) and she’s pretty difficult to get to know ? not to mention the fact that no one has ever witnessed her ring someone’s love alarm .. so all that combined just makes it easy to assume she’s some sort of ice queen when that’s far from the truth /: 

violet really isn’t one to open up too deep to people, but that’s got a lot to do with the past she’s kind of running away from ! so if you’re her friend most of the stuff you know about her is probably surface stuff, but when she’s close to someone she can make that fact hard to realize ? she just has a way with making the people in her life feel important so it’s easy not to be focused on how much you know about her 

never bothers to correct the people that misjudge her. if you don’t like her, if you want to make up assumptions and rumors about her, go ahead like violet really won’t stop you which can sometimes make meeting new people difficult </3 if you’ve seen the dating class webdrama chuu was in she’s kinda like oh seyoung’s chara joowon 🤧

if she wants to, though, she’s pretty good at getting people to like her / trust her ! she does this a lot in professional situations, which is why she’s been doing so well as an art director so far despite being so young 

she’s also very loyal to her friends ! if you can’t ask for extra sauces at mcdonald’s....if you can’t make a phone call to your credit card company explaining that a $3,000 charge to starbucks wasn’t you.....she’s your girl <3 since she’s relatively not bothered by the way people see her ( unless it has to do with her past ) she’s usually the one speaking up if someone she cares about can’t 

after the ... incident ... JSDBWJDBWJ she’s really not a fan of the badge club and everything it stands for ): BUT she continues to do art directing work for a lot of the members when they do photoshoots, or instagram campaigns, or if they have a pop up shop, etc. it’s good money and she needs every penny considering she’s living without support from her family 

cannot cook to save her life so she’s always eating out .. this really is why she’s taking those more high profile jobs she can’t budget .. but it’s better, safety wise at least, that she continues wasting her money on takeout aha <3 

pretends she’s not a romantic and is all about the ~casual flings~ but really she’s just afraid of serious feelings and the idea of a serious relationship ... it’s the trauma 😔 constantly jokes shes gonna bring the tinder whore era back JWDBWJBDJW she is sick of this true love nonsense ! ( the irony of this url ahaha... ) 

she’s the most social after a few drinks, since drunk her isn’t burdened by a mind that overthinks literally everything the way she is sober. if you don’t supervise her though she can get pretty carried away and probably get into some kind of trouble so she’s definitely not the person you want to be in charge on a night out !

really wants a dog but doesn’t think she’s cut out to be a pet parent it feels just as scary as the idea of having an actual kid so ... BDWBDJW if you have a pet ? she’s gonna be living vicariously through you <3 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     wanted connections !

the photographer that hired her / introduced her to the badge club member she ended up having feelings for 

the badge club remember she had / has feelings for because we love suffering 😈

old roommates from college !! maybe even the one that got her to download love alarm in the first place hehehe

also a current roommate / roommates because your girl can’t afford to live on her own <3

someone she’s confided in about her past ( maybe they judged her for it and had a falling out, or maybe they remain confidants ) 

an ex bf or gf she dated while she was in school ! she never rang their love alarm ( even though this was pre block ) so maybe that’s why things ended between them. or maybe they never rang each others and it was just a mutual thing where they both didn’t really have feelings for each other and tried to date anyway and it didn’t work. or perhaps they dated and when violet realized she was starting to have those feelings she dipped before she ever got a chance to ring their love alarm bc she didn’t want to be exposed like that and commitment is scary ): 

spare best friend ? i’d use a knife emoji to show you how serious i am but i dont wanna scare anyone away aha .. i would just love a best friend plot 🥺

current flings / hookups or past flings / hookups ! i imagine most of them to not be serious but it would be kinda cool if there was someone she’s seeing now that she’s got the love alarm block that she’s actually falling for considering she’s never gonna be able to ring their love alarm hehehehe

people she art directs for !! i imagine she’s got a pretty long list of employers ( from badge club members to regular folk  🤧 ) so it would be cool to have people who hire her for stuff, or who collaborate with her for artistic endeavors since i’ve noticed we have a lot of artsy muses <3 

ummm maybe an enemy. but where it’s like .. the hate isn’t even that deep it’s just like oh you dislike me ? well i dislike you FIRST 😠 and they insult each other and try and sabotage each other like five year olds fighting on the playground like it seems super serious to them but to everyone watching it’s like ... can you guys just get over it you dumb babies KSDBSDBWD like they could probably be good friends if they just .. stopped 

and you’ve reached the end of this NOVEL of an intro post JDBJWBDJWBDW im literally so sorry i tried not to ramble but ..... its just who i am </3 please come shoot me a message to plot !!! you can use tumblr ims but im way more available / quicker to respond on discord so if u wanna add me there and plot u can find me at junhee mr. soft hands ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172  i also did not check this post for typos so if u find one ... mind ur business 😭😭😭 

*deep inhale* amberchase marriage headcanons ✨

Amberchase Marriage HC

WOW. You went for it with a tough but interesting one. I’m guessing that, if you’ve read ANY of my headcanons that I always overthink it, so bear with me.

- So, to get as far as Rachel and Victoria getting married, we need to make some drastic changes. The first one is: this is a Love is Strange AU we’re talking about. No Jefferson, no powers, no nightmare realms, Rachel is poor, and Max returns junior year.

- Second AU note: if you’ve read basically any of my fan fiction, you’ve probably seen a reference to a head canon I have that Victoria and Rachel hooked up at a party early in their junior year, but Rachel ended up using that as fodder to make Victoria look sad and desperate, sparking further-escalating slander and humiliating hijinks between them. My concept for an Amberchase AU has always started at this point - Victoria waking up the following morning, Rachel is still there, and treats her affectionately. What follows is a series of misunderstandings and (apparently) one-sided pining (Nathan is a big part of this) for approximately one year.

- Because I’ve already said this is a Love is Strange AU, let’s just go for it and say that their next big development comes during the photo contest in their senior year. They pair up, naturally: Max might be a better photographer all-around than Victoria, but with Victoria’s eye for portraiture, Rachel swooped in to ask her before anyone else could get a chance. The following week gave them the one thing they never had: an excuse to be alone together. There’s drama, nostalgia, and although they acknowledge their mutual admiration and attraction, they don’t get together - they don’t want to do the long-distance thing.

 - Although Victoria does end up going to school in California, she does so in the Bay Area, and the two only talk occasionally on Facebook. Rachel is the busiest she’s ever been, especially when she starts trying to do school alongside her unstable modeling work. Living with Max and Chloe helps, but money is always hard, and now that Max and Chloe are dating, Rachel’s loneliness grows deeper.

- For a photography project in her sophomore year, Victoria asks if she can drive down and have Rachel model for her again (paid, of course - Victoria has standards to keep). “You know, you’re the best model I’ve ever had…” Rachel opens up about how hard it has been to stay in modeling. She’s never making enough to get by, and although scholarships and student loans are making up the difference for now. She’s thinking about quitting to devote herself full-time to a Law degree. And it’s not like Victoria thinks that’s a bad move, but at the same time… how much Rachel wanted to be a model was literally the first thing Victoria ever knew about her. She knows this is giving up the dream. And she doesn’t want that. So the two of them start talking more often, networking where possible (Victoria’s very good at that).

- Two years pass, and unlike Rachel, Victoria graduates on time (with a Business degree). And here’s the part of the AU I find tough to stomach, but it feels necessary: when Victoria decides to move to LA for work reasons, she knows about Rachel’s situation, including how much she’d want to stay close to Max and Chloe, but says that she wants a roommate, and she’d prefer Rachel as a roommate to someone she met online. To everyone’s surprise, a few weeks later Rachel says yes, and they sign a lease together. “It’s practical,” Rachel tells herself (and Max, and Chloe, and Victoria), but really, Max and Chloe’s 5-year relationship is just tighter than she is with them.

- When they move in together in Fall 2017, Rachel for the first time feels an incentive NOT to sleep with Victoria. Max and Chloe just moved into a new apartment, and if she blows things with Victoria, it’s a year of sleeping on their (or other friends’) couches. That’s all well and good, and Victoria doesn’t question it, but they like to complain to each other about work (they’re good at motivating each other), and eventually, almost off-hand, Victoria remarks, “God, this would be so much easier if we were married.” And Rachel says, “I guess we could be. Technically.”

- They get into a BIG talk about how they feel about marriage. They’re both lukewarm: Rachel because she doesn’t like the symbolism or how her parents’ marriage ended, and Victoria because her entire concept of marriage is based around a nuclear family whose sole purpose is to raise children. Rachel wants kids someday. Victoria doesn’t think she does. Still, the tax breaks, the medical rights – the literal hundreds of benefits of marriage in America weigh on them heavily. So they come to an agreement: let’s get married, then see if the benefits still outweigh the cons once a year.

- And once again, to the surprise of literally everyone, they do it. They refuse to have a ‘proper wedding’ precisely because they don’t want to give their families the impression that this is a ‘real marriage,’ but Max and Chloe are still witnesses and Courtney EXPLODES on Victoria’s timeline with shock and delight (they haven’t stayed close since high school – just close enough to be Facebook friends).

OKAY! WE’RE HERE! I DID IT! I GOT THEM MARRIED AND NOW I CAN TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE HEADCANONS.

-        This relationship is founded, above all, on mutual drive. These are two girls with dreams and the talent to make those dreams real. More importantly, they work like crazy – early on, work keeps them from really developing their feelings for each other.

-        Slowly, they get drawn more and more into each other’s interests. This starts before they get married, but after they’re married, they feel more incentive to get involved. Rachel loves improv and Vic kind of hates it because she thinks she sucks, but if the two of them get on stage? They’re powerhouses. They’re witty and charming and creative, and NOBODY throws out weird-but-cool twists faster than Rachel.

-        Of course, Rachel gets pulled into Victoria’s secret interests (not really that secret if you’re living with her, but still): catchy but meaningless pop songs, sci-fi/mecha anime, and computer games (Rachel refuses to try FPS until they buy a PS4).

-        Despite living together and being literally married (or, more accurately, because of these things), they’re relatively slow to develop and express their feelings. Doing so comes with the fear that life will, inevitably, pull them in different directions. It’s their little rituals that make these things manifest: sitting close and cuddling when watching TV (Rachel misses being sandwiched by Chloe and Max), picking each other up after work. One of the last ones to develop is kissing before Victoria leaves for work, which they’re super awkward about until eventually they do it automatically.

-        During the whole time they’ve been living together, Rachel has typically not had time to develop a steady relationship (Max and Chloe eat up most of the energy that work, and school don’t), but she has had plenty of hook-ups and friends with benefits. She did her best to keep that out of Victoria’s sight even before they were married, but after they started becoming romantic, she figured it was time to have an explicit conversation. To her surprise, Victoria was unbothered – she knew Rachel had no real designs towards monogamy, she just wanted to have more explicit conversations about what boundaries would be appropriate. Rachel figured Victoria would also seek other relationships, but Victoria always replied that she “wasn’t looking to date right now.”

-        Their first anniversary was also their first time discussing whether to continue their marriage for another year. Their financial situation was a little better than the year before, so their ‘Pros’ column was looking weaker than when they’d decided to get together. At least, until Rachel said, “Well, I also, like … love. you.” ‘Oh. I mean, I love you too.’ And after a very weird but tender moment, they wrote it down: Love

-        It’s pretty soon after this that they go shopping for sex toys for the first time. The sex they’d had since their junior year of high school had been very vanilla and typically very drunk, but if they were going to go and be in love or whatever, they might as well really go for it. It turns out their tastes still run pretty vanilla, but at least they pick up a LOT of vibrators over time (and a copy of Battlefield Lovers, which they only play ONCE but it sure does spark a new kink for Victoria).

-        We’re now caught up to 2019, so that’s all I’m going to do for this post, but the one thing I know going into the future is that the meeting they have every year to decide if they’re gonna stay married for another year slowly evolves into a session of trashing marriage as an institution and then talking about all the things they love about being married and each other.

(Major JoJo's Bizarre Adventure anime spoiler warning) My review of...

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders and Battle in Egypt (I'm counting them as one whole season but as two parts) is, admittedly, my least favorite season of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. 48 episodes long across the two parts, the show is definitely enjoyable but I personally wouldn't watch it again for anything other than a few cool fights. However, once again showing his viewers just how crazy his work can and will get, Akari makes JoJo's Bizarre Adventure even more bizarre starting with this season. For this review, I'm going going to take both parts into consideration. As usual, I'm going to keep my review as neutral as possible even if Stardust Crusaders isn't a top pick for me.

Unlike its predecessors, Stardust Crusaders has no narrator for the majority of the season, only showing up to speak the occassional thoughts of characters or animals. Akari always keeping things fresh, I think this is good for the show; we're no longer in the past so we don't need a narrator to tell us events as they happen in front of us.

First, I'm going to talk about the new element Akari brings into JoJo's Bizarre Adventure with Stardust Crusaders: Stands. An absolutely badass idea, Akari plays with this new element of the show beautifully. Unlike many other shounen manga/anime, the ability to control a Stand isn't solely about who has the biggest dick energy attack, but instead Akari turns the tables and uses the Stands for strategic battles; this way, it doesn't actually matter who's stronger or weaker, but instead who's smarter (which very much counteracts the art style of buff men quite nicely). Due to the Stands and mental/wit battles instead of physical battles the way it usually is in the shounen genre, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure takes a very unique turn for the better and works incredibly well given the context of the series.

Now lemme tell ya about the intros: I LOVE the both of them, and I'll start with Stand Proud from the first part of the season. So much energy, wonderfully timed visuals and the fantastic 3D-looking 2D animation; there is nothing about this intro that I don't like. It's ranked as my second favorite intro in terms of song choice, is tied for my number one in terms of visuals, and is tied for my favorite in terms of sound effects. The beautifully drawn night sky, the small addition of sketched art, the subtle hints of enemy Stands in the background, and the background constantly changing in such drastic ways are such terrifyingly engaging imagery that it makes me cry tears of happiness. Not to mention the hard to see hint of Dio at the end, only people who are active on-lookers or were shown that he's there at all will see him. I also love that, in the beginning of the intro, you see 5 stars, alluding to our 5 main characters, but then a 6th star appears, which alludes to Holly Joestar still sick in Japan. Also, the physics of Jotaro's chain and shadow is absolutely ravishing, it's little effects like that that really get me going, as well as the gradual breaking of glass at the end of the intro. The entire sequence is a masterpiece by my standards, truly a job well done.

Now, as for the second intro, I don't like it as much as the first one but it's still great in its own right. I adore the mixing of vocals, going from hard rock to the softer sounding male and then mixing them both for a wonderful Ora Ora Ora duet. I lean in towards my computer screen each time I watch the intro because the fast moving visuals are so enrapturing, not to mention you can see subtle changes in the faces of the characters and their body stance between the fast-paced frames. There's even one point where the group is lined up and the beat strikes, quickly switching them out for their Stands before swiftly changing to the next image. I also admire the way the credits are so well integrated into the intro, jumping and spiking along with the enthusiastic beat, emphasizing the song without being in the way. And when Dio uses his ZA WARUDO to stop time during the second version of this intro, I go into orgasmic bliss because it's so awesome; you can even see that piss bucket SMIRK while hearing his soft footfalls and I love it. Once again, there is nothing that I don't love about this intro.

Just like with Phantom Blood, there isn't much I can say about the soundtrack as a whole, but is fantastic in that it reflects the current situation and could easily switch up its beat when a battle turned.

As for the outros, I love Walk Like an Egyptian and its spirited inspiration, beat and vocals (fantastic job by the Bangles). There's no song quite like Walk Like an Egyptian so it's always a win in my book whenever it's used, especially in such a fitting case. I don't really like the second outro because, unlike every other intro/outro of the series, Last Train Home is a more somber or melancholy song, which doesn't really fit the show in my opinion. It's certainly a nice sounding song, but I'm just not crazy about it.

As for the characters, while I don't like them as much as other characters from other seasons, they certainly aren't bad either; we even get to see character development throughout both parts. Some characters become more mature, more level-headed and smarter with situations, and each person is internally unique as exemplified by their Stand. Some were more likable than others but, in general, the cast was pretty damn cool.

Now that I'm done gushing about all the things I love about this season, I'm gonna gush about the things that made me dislike this season more than the others, and I'm gonna start with the female side character Anne. This girl... did absolutely nothing throughout the show. In her defense, she didn't get in the way of the characters, but she didn't do anything for them either. She was even dropped out of the group halfway through the first part of the season, being inconsequential the whole way through. There was also some kind of weird sexualization going about her too: her age is never stated but she's definitely prepubescent (given the dialogue, she's probably 11 or 12 years old) but she had the body of a teenager and fawned over Jotaro. Once again in her defense, young girls fantasizing about older men (I personally enjoy the company of older men as they tend to be financially stable and more responsible) and having more developed bodies compared to their peers isn't odd at all; instead, it's actually very normal and healthy. However, Jotaro is 17, which is a lot older and, generally, the older the man (or woman) is the weirder it gets.

Speaking of sexualizing little girls, I want to turn attention to the Strength Stand user orangutan, Forever. This literal animal had the hots for Anne, and tried to do stuff to her that I can only describe as attempted rape, so that was a thing. Obviously, that's some fucked up shit that wasn't actually necessary to the story since Jotaro found out about Forever anyway and beat the shit out of him.

Next is, once again, Dio's motives. I love Dio, I really do, but he's just not that much of a well-explained character. His goal is explicitly stated this time around: he wants to rule the world. Fantastic, but WHY does he want to rule it? Who knows, it's never said why.

My next problem is with the villains of the show, they all seemed the same and reused to me. While each Stand (expect for two that did legit the exact same thing of stealing souls and putting them into objects) was unique given the user, whenever they were defeated they did one of two things: they either begged for forgiveness, which would always result in getting the snot beat out of them, or they swore their absolute loyalty to Dio (less of them did this) and died. Some of them would run away, but all of them (save for two Stand Users) never made another appearance, so most of them were just throw away characters.

Finally, my biggest problem is with Iggy, the last party member in our group of main characters who showed up at the beginning of Battle in Egypt. I know Akari wanted to make an animal Stand user to be a part of the cast and I know that Iggy was dragged out to Egypt against his will, but that doesn't make him any less of an infuriating character. For nearly the entire season, I absolutely hated Iggy: he was more useless than Anne as he intentionally turned his head the other way when the group was in trouble and/or DYING, he tried to sell Jotaro out to save his own skin as soon as he was introduced, and he had the absolute worst ambition of any of the characters in that he basically just wanted to be a pimp. After getting fucking up by an avian Stand user that totally should have won the fight (the finishing icicle appeared so much more slowly than all the other volleys, plot armor truly is invincible) and getting his leg dismembered, Iggy finally stepped up to the plate that he probably should have been on to begin with and earned my respect. Seriously, why would you so eagerly make an animal Stand user only to not use him for the entire show and then kill him off when he's barely shown what he can do? It makes no sense and it's so frustrating.

However, Akari truly has magic hands because as soon as Iggy actually started doing something, he immediately became a badass in my book and I cried another river to his death.

Speaking of deaths, just as a side note, why kill Avdol, bring him back, only to kill him again? As I understand it, Akari killed off Avdol the first time around but then realized that if he was going to kill a main character, he should probably make that character more important. But then Avdol died again and his death still felt insignificant. A good opportunity to learn on Akari's part, but I feel like bringing Avdol back to life didn't make much sense either.

Hi, I was wondering why you said that the institution of parenting is structurally abusive? (I think I have a vague notion of why you might have said that, but I'd like to get it cleared up)

so we got two asks with this question, I’ll leave the other one to the other mod because maybe they have a different perspective. This is Mod Isaiah speaking right now, btw.

In my opinion parenthood is structurally abusive because any system of power, without any easy source of retribution for the powerful, is inherently abusive. Even if your parent is actually perfect, but they just don’t give you the freedom to know that you are safe in this society, is abusive. There is still a very real threat that they could abuse you and get away with it, because CPS isn’t gonna do anything, and foster care is terrifying to so many people, and no one in the rest of the world will ever believe the child.

So, a comparison. Relationships have to be consensual in every way. A person should be able to not participate in different actions (if I specify sexual it ruins the metaphor), they should be allowed alone time, they should be trusted by their partner, they definitely shouldn’t be hit, physically harmed in any way, screamed at, or anything else drastically aggressive by their partner, they should be able to maintain contact with everyone else in their life, they should be allowed to leave the relationship entirely, and to encompass all of this they should just have the freedom of choice so long as that choice doesn’t infringe on someone else’s freedom of safety.

In the early Americas, and in a whole lot of countries that I’m too lazy to google, women were considered to be owned by the husband in the same way that children are owned by their parents. That’s why the “ownership” of women was always transferred from their fathers. They weren’t allowed to control their own finances, they didn’t need to consent to sex for it to happen, they would be forced to spend time with their husband, they could be yelled at and screamed at and hit and have no way to escape, they would never be trusted to be capable of handling themselves, I mean a real consequence of sexism is female genital mutilation being used to promote chastity till marriage which still happens in places like Liberia (I’m not sure if it’s legal there but a huge part of the secret society “Sande” is female genital mutilation to promote chastity and refusal to masturbate) they could straight up be refused to see their family ever again, they would have to go through an incredibly difficult court process and prove that their partner was abusive to pre-1950s standards (I don’t actually know the exact year but it was past 1950, Adam Ruins Everything has the whole story) , and we all know they were never given freedom of choice. Of course, their husbands could’ve been generous, radical feminists, suffragists, they could’ve given their wives whatever they wanted. But if you were put back in the 1900s as a female, you would never trust a man enough to marry him, and many cis women decided to dress up as men just to escape the oppression.

Let’s think about another comparison. Slavery. I know any comparison to things like slavery or the holocaust are always really touchy and dangerous to do unoffensively, but I pick this one specifically because it is so drastic. I’m not gonna compare the two in terms of awfulness, because I think it’s impossible to properly measure either in terms of awfulness when our society is still justifying both and influencing us to do the same. And I don’t prefer the idea that someone will guess which I think is worse. It’s awful, and yet at the time that personal slaves were legal in the USA, many people would justify it with “I treat my slaves properly, why should I get rid of my slaves just because someone else is bad to them?” And “now we know” (quotes because this is bullshit and if Donald Trump was given 4 more years I think he could have enough influence to make slavery legal again and liberals would just say he’ll get his karma when he’s out of office, or that this is why we have to vote for Warren, or some bullshit, we don’t actually know that slavery is bad, we just want some moral highground to pretend we’re not racist anymore) that slavery is awful no matter what, because it is literally ownership of a human being. I’ve always wanted to go to the places where slavery was still legal, buy a bunch of slaves (hear me out and don’t misquote me) and then free them. But a huge part of that has to be letting them know that I’ll free them immediately and they don’t have to do anything for me, giving them power over me to make the power balanced, going into some legal process to free them in their home country, and paying for their plane tickets if they wanna come to the US to escape their former owners. And I mean, this has been a huge thing on my “when I’m rich” to do list ever since I found out slavery is still a very real problem in a lot of places. But the fact that Thomas Jefferson thought it’d just be fine to buy slaves and own them in a moral way has been interpreted as extremely offensive at this point.

But children, if you literally have the rights to own them, is totally cool you guys. Totally. I mean it should just be generally understood by now that owning another human is wrong, even if it isn’t for profit. And parenthood, for the most part, is ownership of a child. And it’s straight up the same thing as 1850s marriages. I’ve seen a lot of people say they don’t know anyone who wasn’t spanked or beaten as a child, and frankly I only know a couple people who weren’t abused, and even they seem to have taken some issue with the fact that their parents had a right to them as people. It’s cruel because you are blatantly saying “I have more power legally, politically, socially, and economically than you, I control all of your finances, I have been assigned with the duty to care for you and make sure you own up to your responsibilities, I pretty much own you in terms of legality and society, you have no means of leaving this house unless I force you out, and also I’m not only allowed to but ENCOURAGED to punish you in whatever means possible. Pretty much the only thing I’m not allowed to do without social judgement is sexually abuse you, and even then people either won’t believe you or they’ll think we’re from Alabama and we’re just like that. And if you want to leave, you’ll have to call this organization that is just famous for putting you in an even worse household, and they’ll probably just call me to tell me what you said behind my back and then ditch.” That entire situation sounds like a horror novel to an adult, and we are rooting for the adult to escape. But for a child it’s perfectly fine to us.

So is there a method of changing this? In my opinion yes, but it is much more radical than anyone would like. I think children should be able to leave their parents and find other parents or enter contracts with older children to live with them temporarily or permanently. I think all children should be given financial independence and a salary for going to school, one that mostly is earned through attendance and participation, but could be raised slightly with the right grades. I think at teenage years, maybe 14, people should be given the right to vote, because if the government is so much more active in childrens lives than adult lives, through schooling, parenthood, and mental hospitals, then why do children not get a say in that? The founding fathers believed that people without property shouldn’t vote because they might be biased and vote for whomever will provide them property, and their vote might come out of greed. Adults use the same logic to prevent children from voting, saying they’ll vote for someone who will limit school work, but honestly that’s a very necessary action. We need to cut down on school hours, because 40 hours a week has been proven to be stressful to adults and much more stressful to children, and we need to add those hours to summer, creating 2 week breaks 4 times a year rather than having 3 months that make summer famous for unlearning your entire last school year. We need to have teachers check in with parents regularly to make sure that the children are safe and well cared for, and check in with students to make sure they feel comfortable. We need to fund CPS and create radical reforms to it, I mean don’t get me started with that because I’ve already written an essay for this ask alone. We need to make sure that educating children on abuse and sex is required all across the country, and that we start at younger levels like second grade with some not very emotionally taxing or explicit knowledge of sex or abuse, and then we do another more involved abuse education in maybe seventh grade, and tenth grade. We need rehabilitation for abusers, and therapy for victims if they want it. I’m big on prison abolitionism in favor of restorative/transformative justice combined with rehabilitation, because the current system sends parents into a justice system that ultimately traumatizes people who were already likely abused as a child considering the cycle of abuse, and then sends them back into the world. I don’t think anyone has to take pity for them, abusers are not good people, but prison does not work.

And a big part of this involves abolishing capitalism. personally don’t believe in capitalism, socialism, communism, or anarchism at the moment. I’m still sort of deciding, but I’ve been mostly interested in crafting my own version of all four. I think different sections of the government should incorporate each one, but the system will only fail if you have just one system and no others. In my opinion, whatever system there is, wealth should exist, but there should be a limit to the wealth you can have. You should not be able to own more than five houses, I hope this isn’t too radical for the multibillionaires. There should be a limit to your wealth, but there should also never be such thing as a “living wage.” People should not have to pay to exist, that is cruel and inhumane. College, healthcare, housing, healthy food, basic internet (only because it’s basically a necessity at this point, most people are starting to look for jobs online so how is a person going to survive without this, I mean it’s basically god at this point), and accomodations for disabilities should all be provided for free. Money should only be used for things like pools and going on a hiking trip with a professional Grand Canyon guide. Idk I can’t think of anything right now but stuff that isn’t required just to get someplace in this society. The reason for all this being that the biggest link to abuse is struggling with money. I have seen people, like with my own eyes, being verbally belittled by a parent for not being able to renovate an apartment well enough to rent it out up to the parent’s standards, because they were constantly struggling with money. That family would constantly have fights because the parent would take out financial shit at their children, or have an awful day at their job that was an hour away and come home screaming about meaningless shit. And my own experiences of abuse almost entirely disappeared relatively when my family was able to afford mortgage and we no longer had to save up for my college tuition. Poverty and former trauma are the biggest causes of abuse and we need to address that through the destruction of capitalism.

But yeah I’m gonna let the other mod know to answer the other ask on this because my opinion might not represent them and I take some really radical stances on child rights activism. Thanks for the ask and I’m sorry for the essay!

Anti-human?!

Thirteenth K Drama: I am not a robot

They said that no man is an island but what if a person chooses to live in seclusion because of his allergy to his fellow human? Is that really possible for someone to survive just by himself? Is it possible for a human to have an allergy by having even the slightest human contact?  And what triggers such allergy? I am not a Robot is a romantic comedy drama that tells us the story of Kim Min Kyu, the Director of KM Financial Corporation, who lived 15 years of his life in seclusion – avoiding human contact at all cost.  Until, he met a robot that looks exactly like a human, AJI 3. With AJI 3, he was able to interact with her as if she’s a human and his allergy is not being triggered because he knows that it is just a robot and not a human. But what if the AJI 3 that he knows is actually not a robot?

Synopsis

For a successful man like Kim Min Kyu, Director of KM Financial Corporation, you would think that he has it all in life. Sure, he’s rich, good looking and intelligent but if there’s one thing weird about him is that he’s not fond of being near with people. And by that I mean, you’re not literally allowed to have even a slightest contact with him for there would be an extreme allergic reaction on his body. Despite being the chairman of a large corporation, Min Kyu is seldom seen in their office and when he shows up, everyone’s instructed to hide and is not allowed to go near him. Although he never told anyone about it, it has become the norm in their office. He’s always fully clothed and even wears gloves no matter the weather and he also carries a “baton” which gained him the title “three part baton”. What people around him don’t know is that the reason why he behaves that way is because he has an extreme allergy with human contact. Ever since his parents died, he lives alone in their mansion (although he has a butler but he lives in a different house). He doesn’t trust anyone for at such a young age he already experiences betrayal and that traumatized him so bad that even a slight touch would cause for an extreme allergic reaction. And then, he met the Santa Maria Team. They are a group of scientists who specializes in creating the most advanced robot. They introduced Min Kyu to AJI 3; AJI 3 is a super advanced AI robot that functions and look exactly like a human but is more intelligent than an average human. Seems like an answered prayer for Min Kyu who’s been living his life in seclusion however, before they can even get the chance to send AJI 3 to Min Kyu it encounters a problem. Out of desperation, they seek the help of Jo Ji A, the human that AJI 3 was modeled after. They made Ji A pretend as AJI 3 until they fix the real robot. What will happen now that the AJI 3 that Min Kyu knows is actually NOT a robot?

Okay, I know this is another drama that would make me say “I can relate so much to the main character” but I swear this time it is on a whole different level of connection. Early this year, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and the name itself is already the clue that it has something to do with being around people. Actually, I can tolerate people when they’re about a kilometer (I’m bad at this measurement thing, sorry) away from me and they’re minding their own businesses. But once I get myself in a crowd and people starts being noisy and if bad luck would have it, they will strike a conversation with me, I will start having panic attacks. It will start with having difficulty in breathing, then my heart would feel like it beats faster than normal which will then led to the feeling of my chest tightening and then the rest of my body would be numb. I would have this paranoia that those people would hurt me. Most of the time I will run to the nearest bathroom but sometimes if I’m lucky enough to have a brown bag, I would inhale through it. When I started taking my meds for my anxiety disorder, the attacks lessened and somewhat become milder. So there are days wherein I would be confident enough to not take the meds at all – some days are good because I get to have zero attacks but there are days wherein I would have at least 2-3 attacks. The worst part is that, I work outside Cavite and has to take public transportation. The work that I have is related to frontline services so imagine the kind of suffering I have to endure for months before my former boss decided to transfer me to the back-end operations office (God Bless her, she’s the best!) Now that I’m not in the frontline, I can say that I’ve calmed down already. However, there are still series of attacks. I guess it will really take time – maybe years, before I can recover. I’m not rushing into things but sometimes I feel so bad about it – it makes me feel like I’m not normal and will never be. In Min Kyu’s case, it was more visible physically. A slight contact with another human would result to him having severe allergic reaction in which his body will be covered with rashes and he will also have difficulty in breathing. It was somehow deadly. His doctor pointed out that it was being triggered psychologically since Min Kyu doesn’t trust anyone. So, his body would definitely react when another human, whom he doesn’t trust, would make a contact with him. The root cause was the betrayal he experienced when he was still younger. After that, he doesn’t have the ability to trust anyone anymore. Who could blame him, though? Humans tend to do that all the time – betrayal, even though you’ve shown them nothing but kindness. I truly understand why Min Kyu chooses to live in seclusion. Most of the time, it is better to just be alone than be with people who will turn their backs on you once they’ve realized that the benefits they’re gaining from associating their selves with you ran out. What makes this story unique is that it shows the journey of Min Kyu’s healing and the romance aspect is a beautiful addition to that. Its theme might be rom-com but there really is more to it.

Picking up the broken pieces

As they say, pain changes people and I truly believe that. Min Kyu’s life changed drastically after his parents died and at such a young age he was forced to face the world by himself. He chose to live in seclusion as to not get hurt anymore. He ended up being a bit arrogant because of that. As I’ve said earlier, I can truly understand where he is coming from. Most of the time, dealing with people is stressful. I’ve experienced a lot of horrible things with people too, especially at school wherein bullying is common and sometimes can’t be helped. Once you’ve experienced betrayal, trusting people again would be a challenge. Min Kyu kept his guard up as to not experience the same kind of pain he’d been through when he was young. However, even though he won’t admit it, he’s lonely. Having that kind of medical condition didn’t only affect him physically but also morally and psychologically. He can’t even enlist himself in the military and fulfill his obligation as a citizen of his country because of it. But I guess fate is on his side because he gets to meet the Sta. Maria Team who are developing the most advanced AI robot. With AJI3 by his side, he slowly learns how to face the world again. It was as if AJI3 gives him the confidence and assurance that despite the craziness of the world, if you have at least one person by your side that you can trust, then life is bearable.

Nobody’s perfect

I’ve read this phrase somewhere online before and I couldn’t agree more to it: We are very good judges with the mistakes or others but are also very good lawyers with our own. And, I can pretty much relate it to Min Kyu’s situation, somehow.

It is already a given fact that in this world, people has the ability to hurt and disappoint us whether it be intentional or not and that’s okay because it is part of our journey and character development. What we often forget is that everyone makes mistakes for nobody’s perfect – something that Min Kyu seems to be struggling with. He tend to get mad at the slightest mistake of his employees without thinking that most of the time he is being too much; he is already hurting people. Sending AJI 3 to him is actually a good step towards “transforming” him to become and live like a normal human being should be however due to the circumstances, the Santa Maria Team has to do something out of desperation, a “detour”

 Letting go

Someone once told me that in order for me to live better, I must let go of all the negative emotions that I am carrying – anger, pain, resentment. It is not easy but once you’ve done it, you will feel better – as if something heavy has been lifted off your chest. It is when you learn that the world is cruel yet you can make it become less of it that can make you feel more at ease – acceptance is the key.

Min Kyu is not anti-human, he’s just protecting himself from the pain he once experienced that’s why he ended up that way and I totally get where he is coming from when he gets mad at the Santa Maria Team and Ji A for manipulating him. Although their intention’s a bit good, what they’ve done is dangerous and lies, no matter how big or small, are still lies and they are not good. What Min Kyu has to learn, the hard way though, is that there will always be people who would hurt you and betray you but that’s okay because what they do and/or say actually says more about them than you. And even him, he can also hurt people, may it be unintentional or not but what’s important is you know how to accept mistakes and learn from it. After all, a single mistake should not define who a person is. People change, they do it all the time so we should be ready to forgive because despite the cruelties in this world, there are still a lot of people who are willing to learn from their mistakes and make up for it. Sometimes we do things that can hurt people that we never intended to and it sucks that we can’t just go back in time to change it, we only have the present to make up for the mistakes of the past and I strongly believe that we all deserve a second chance. At the end of the day, the good will always outweigh the bad.

It is when he decided to let go of all the anger, resentment and grief that he’s been carrying on his shoulders ever since he was young that he finally opened himself to love – self love. It is when he realized that people make mistakes but that doesn’t mean that they won’t learn from them and change for the better that he was able to open his heart to accept people in his life again. Of course there would still be people who will try to take advantage of him but upon realizing that those people can be outnumbered and overpowered by those who truly care for him, then life is still worth fighting for. Min Kyu’s journey towards healing is a great inspiration. This drama is really something else. There are a lot of life lessons that we can get from it. Give it a chance, go watch it I promise you won’t regret it.

x,

TinaMae

for more of my kdrama review, click here: https://tinamaetales.tumblr.com/tagged/k-drama

PS, I have so much backlog with my kdrama review/reflection posts (the ones I am posting so far are the kdramas I’ve watched in 2018! ) because I just recently recovered my tumblr account wew

I feel really stuck. I'm trying to move fowards but something always comes up. I still live with my family and I have no privacy and have to explain where I’m going and what I'm doing all the time. I really want to get back at uni and I’m trying but that means no time to get a job and won’t be able to move. I can’t stand the city anymore, i can’t stand being so useless. I feel like I haven’t lived at all, i’ve never been in a relationship, haven’t travelled, how do i take control of my life?

It’s tough to make a step-by-step guide or action plan for getting your life together when I don’t really have a ton of information about your goals or financial situation, but I will give it my best shot:

Go easy on yourself. While there are some people out there in this world who manage to be world-travelling Instagram stars, planning their dream weddings and moving up in their glamorous careers at age 25, those people are very few and far between. Many of them come from incredibly privileged backgrounds or have the types of parental support that most of us can only dream of. Being unworldly, directionless and living at home with your parents is the normal 20-something experience. What you’re going through is common. You feel like you haven’t lived yet because your life has barely begun; you haven’t fallen behind, you and your peers are still on the starting line. You have a lot of time ahead of you, and it’s important to be kind to yourself, and to be realistic about the progress you’ll make. You aren’t going to go from being broke in your childhood bedroom to being a high-flying career person with a spouse and a ritzy apartment overnight. Be gentle, and don’t beat yourself up for being young and inexperienced - you have a long journey ahead of you, and you’ll need to save your emotional strength to make it through.

Focus on finishing university. At this point in your life, I think your top priority needs to be finishing your degree as quickly as possible, even if it requires some short term sacrifices. I know that your living situation is irritating and that you are tired of not having privacy, but if you can tolerate your parents and your city for a little while longer and keep going to school while living at home, you’re potentially setting yourself up for a huge advantage in life by completing your degree with minimal debt. The problem with putting off university to get a job and move out is that once you’ve taken on financial responsibilities like rent and bills, it will be a lot more difficult to find the time, resources and motivation to go back to being a student, and your options will be limited for moving into a higher paying job. It’s very easy to get yourself stuck in a vicious cycle of living paycheque-to-paycheque in a low wage job, and not being able to improve your situation because you can’t afford to quit your job and go back to school - my high school friends are in their mid-to-late 20s now, and many of them are now stuck in retail or service industry jobs because it’s difficult for them to give up their source of income and return to school, especially now that some of them have kids or partners. A degree is not a guarantee of a good job, but it’s certainly a mandatory minimum requirement for most opportunities now, and it opens up possibilities like grad school or law school; the sooner you get it out of the way, the sooner you can start building a career, gaining independence and saving up money for travel. University is also a valuable social resource - by getting involved on campus, you can start making meaningful friendships, meeting potential partners, and building useful connections. 

Try new things. One of the keys to living an interesting life and gaining valuable experiences is to actively try new things. It’s hard to gain life experiences by doing the same things over and over again. Challenge yourself to do at least one new thing per month. You don’t necessarily have to like it - you just have to try it. Sign up to volunteer somewhere new. Take a zumba class. Sign up for a new dating app. Write a short story. Change your hair. Start a blog. Go to a restaurant you’ve never been to. Join a local D&D group. You might be surprised by what you end up liking. I ended up in my current career because I took a psych elective to fulfill the social science requirement of my computer science program - sometimes trying something new can lead you down a whole new path you never imagined. It’s also a great way to meet new people that you might never otherwise have met.  If you’re feeling like your life is in a rut, new experiences are a great and easy way to un-rut yourself. 

Have side projects and goals. It’s easy to feel like your life isn’t going anywhere when you don’t have any way to measure your progress. Even while you’re stuck living at your parents’ house, there are ways to keep moving forward with your life. Always have a project or hobby or goal in your life that you can work on. The possibilities are pretty much endless - you could work on your physical fitness, an artistic project, knitting, improving your cooking, journalling, photography, restoring furniture, learning a language, playing an instrument, etc. Anything that captures your attention. Set small, manageable goals and track your progress. Feeling like you are improving in one area of your life can go a long way to calming your jitters when you are feeling stuck in other areas of your life. 

Don’t rush into a relationship or “settle”. It’s hard to predict where or when you’ll get into your first relationship - you might meet your first partner next week or five years from now. Some people meet the love of their life on Tinder within weeks of signing up, some people use dating apps for months without success. All you can really do is put yourself out there, keep working on yourself as a person, and see what happens. The one thing I will advise, though, is that you be cautious of settling for the first person who comes along. If you’ve never been in a relationship and you really want to be in one, it can be tempting to rush headfirst into a relationship with the first promising person you meet - especially if you’ve had to watch your other friends be in long-term relationships for a while now. If you meet someone who seems great, it can be easy to get very serious, very fast, and rush straight to “let’s move in together”, especially when you are already looking for a way to get out of your family’s house. Don’t rush. It’s okay to be disappointed that you haven’t had a relationship yet, but remember that a relationship should be something you get into because you truly want to be with the other person, and not just because you want to check “dating” off your list of adult milestones. If you meet someone, that’s fantastic, but remember that it’s okay to take things slow - if this is really the person for you, they will still be there six months or a year or two years from now. Getting too serious with someone too quickly can mean missing some glaring red flags, and tying yourself financially to someone you haven’t been dating very long can be a recipe for unwanted stress.

Remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s easy to blame your problems on the city you live in. The world is full of people saying that everything would be better if they could just get out of this town. Thousands of people dream about moving to NYC, and there are thousands of people walking around NYC who dream of getting the fuck out of here. No matter where you live, there is someone who dreams of moving there, and no matter where you want to go, there is someone there who is desperate to leave. No place is perfect - every place has its perks and its downsides (for instance, NYC has lots of things to do, but every square inch of this place smells like stale urine and hot dog water). Unless you are making a drastic change in setting - like from rural to urban, or from one country to another - you’re going to find that most places have very similar problems; high rents, rising cost of living, too much competition for jobs, bad dating scenes, overcrowded public transit, crumbling infrastructure, etc, etc. There might be legitimate reasons to want to leave your current location - you live in a dying small town, the climate where you live is affecting your health, you want to work in an industry that only exists in a specific location - but it’s important to keep in mind that location isn’t everything, and you can still make progress in your life while living somewhere that you don’t necessarily love or want to stay in. 

I can relate a lot to what you’re going through - while most of my friends moved out on their own right after high school and started what I thought were glamorous adult lives, I lived at home with my incredibly overbearing parents for four years and took the bus back and forth to a sensible, commuter campus university in a city that I didn’t like. I had friends and I did my best to make the most of my time in college, but part of me felt like I was being denied the formative experiences that other people were having - moving in with their partners, getting an off-campus apartment with roommates, partying all night and not having to answer to their parents, and so on. After graduating, though, I was able to find a full-time job in my field earning more than double the minimum wage, and I moved into an apartment with my best-friend-turned-boyfriend. The money I had saved by living at home during university allowed me to go after my dreams of attending grad school in NYC, and that decision led me to all kind of experiences I never expected to have and friends I never expected to meet. At 26, my life isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely well beyond what I expected when I was a frustrated 21-year-old commuting to school and having my mother constantly ask when I’d be home. Change takes time, and your 20s are tough. Have patience, and keep doing the best you can.

Best of luck to you!

To Stay Or Not To Stay...That Is The Million Dollar Question.

I’m currently sitting at my desk in the Kumihama teacher’s room. It’s Finals Week here so everyone is buzzing around and it sounds like a busy hive of bees. The students already look broken, defeated, tired. It’s been a long couple of weeks for me so I can only imagine what it’s been like for them.

I’m honestly not sure where October and November went. I remember being glad that September was over the minute it became October 1st and then suddenly I was celebrating Halloween with my ESS Club students and then it was November 1st. Now it’s 1 day away from my birthday (which I haven’t even thought about) and then it will be December 1st. 

What. Is. Happening??? 

When I first arrived here I thought time had literally stopped. I was stuck in an endless loop of being unhappy, lonely and sad I was drowning in my own misery. Fast forward to now. November 29th. In two short months I will have to give the JET Program and my contracting schools an answer to the question of whether or not I would like to re-contract. If I say yes, my schools will then have to decide whether or not they want to extend my contract for another year. If they do, I’d be working for them again during another trip around the sun. If they don’t...well, the decision to stay or go will have been made for me.

I’ve talked to my mom and a few close friends about my decision to potentially live in Japan for another year or to move back to the States. My mother encouraged me to make a Pros and Cons list. (Something I’ve always done when faced with major, life-changing decisions.) It’s currently taped to the back of my bedroom door and at the moment, both sides are neck and neck. Neither the Pros nor the Cons have advanced past the other. Hurray for me right? How does a list like that help when they’re dead even?! 

I think about what my life would be like in both scenarios. If I stay for another year I can continue to work toward my (absolutely insane) goal of eventually taking the JLPT N2. It’s an incredibly difficult test for non-native speakers that requires A LOT of work to pass. One of my friends and fellow JET’s is getting ready to take it this Sunday. She studied Japanese for four years in college AND studied abroad here and even she’s worried passing it. I wonder if I could accomplish my goal in another year and a half. If I worked my a** off, I bet I could. I at least want to take and pass the N3. (Which I’m pretty sure I can do.) That being said, if I pass the N2 I could get a job as a translator or interpreter which is something I would really enjoy doing. I could translate anime or manga or work for the government or tourism board in cities like Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Seattle, etc... Living in Japan for another year would allow me to continue to be exposed to native speakers and Japanese every single day. The minute I move back to America I no longer have that luxury. Even though I’ve only been here for 4 months my comprehension and understanding has grown exponentially. I would be jeopardizing all of the hard work I’ve put in up ‘til now. 

A major Con of continuing to live in Japan is being away from my family and friends for another year. I video chat with my momma every single day and it always pains me to have to talk to her through a phone screen. I miss being able to hop in my car and drive the 2 1/2 hours to Indiana to see her whenever I wanted. Now we constantly have to coordinate when we both have free time to talk. Being 15 hours ahead of her in the States (thaaaaanks Daylight Savings) makes things difficult, but we manage. I miss her hugs. I also struggle a lot with the fact that I am losing out on valuable time with my grandparents. I know they won’t be around forever and the guilt associated with being over here while they continue grow older is more than I can put into words. I know my family is proud of me for following my dreams but that doesn’t make being over here any easier.

Another Con (or Pro depending on how you look at it) is that I have ZERO job prospects moving back to America. Absolutely nothing. In theory I could pick up over hire work in theatre at TPAC, Nash Rep, Studio Tenn or advertise myself as a costume designer (a position I have long had a love/hate relationship with) but to be completely honest, none of that sounds very appealing right now. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck and constantly being worried about if I’ll be able to afford rent (we all know how ridiculous it is to live in Nashville now) or make my car payment. Yeah, yeah I know. ‘’That’s what being involved in the arts is all about! You have to suffer for it!’’ Whoever thought that was a good excuse for people to live a stressful, poor lifestyle just so they can follow their passion can shove it. It’s ridiculous we even have to do that in the first place. Yes, I want to act. Yes, it’s my everything. Yes, it’s what I am good at. But I don’t want to constantly have to struggle when I could work toward a job that I can make good money doing while ALSO acting. Is that me selling out to have a secure day job and moonlight as an actor? Maybe. I’ll be 29 on Friday. If I stay another year in Japan I’ll turn 30 here. It’s hard to believe I’m so close to being out of my twenties already. While I feel the proverbial clock ticking when it comes to the stereotypical “old actress” trope, I have to remind myself that most well-known actors didn’t even get started until their mid-30′s. I’ve got time. And being bilingual will look really cool on my resumé.

So what’s another Pro about continuing to live in Japan? Saving more money, yo. Being here for another year means more savings in the bank. It’s a pretty simple concept that would allow me to not freak out about finances when I finally move back to the States. As someone who had an incredible amount of financial stability when I lived in Los Angeles to being left with nothing after I moved to Nashville, financial stability is now incredibly important to me. (I can hear my father slow clapping from 11,000 miles away.) I’m not one for caring about money (never have been) but if I could keep adding to the savings account while also working toward a career that would help me in the long run, I’ll take that option time and time again.

Another Pro I often think about is how many more people can come to visit Japan while I’m here. My Mom, sister (Elizabeth) and friends Taylor and Erica are all coming out to visit me in the months of February and March. If I’m here for another year, even MORE people can come on out to see what this crazy magical country is all about. I think that’s pretty dang cool and am 100% encouraging everyone I know to start looking at flights now. I mean, you’ve got a personal tour guide AND a place to stay!!! What more could you need/want?! 

All in all I have quite a few Pros and Cons on the list. Some of the Cons are dependent on whether or not I can somehow change them into Pros. One example would be the immense distaste I have for my base school. I am there every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Out of those three days I might be fortunate enough to attend (not teach, mind you) 2 classes, possibly 3. Classes are 50 minutes each if we don’t have a special shortened schedule. So out of 3, 8 hour work days, I am maybe seeing the inside of a classroom for less than 3 hours each week. Compare that to my visit school where I am there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have 3 or 4 and sometimes 5 classes a day. I am waaaaay happier at my visit school. I found out that I can talk to my scheduling supervisors to potentially get my schedule switched so that my visit school becomes my base school and my base school becomes my visit school. This would drastically improve my outlook on the situation as a whole. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the other teachers at my base school (even though I don’t really talk to many of them and vice versa) and they’re all incredibly nice people. I just seem to click better with the teachers at my visit school.

Throughout all of the anxiety, worrying, stressing out and continual ‘’Should I or shouldn’t I’s’’, I have to keep telling myself that ultimately, it’s my decision and mine alone. Will it affect the people close to me? Oh, without a doubt. I know my family will hate to have me away for another year. I run the risk of being forgotten in the Nashville theatre and losing another year of shows. I already feel like my career was just beginning to take off and the desire to follow through with that is one of the strongest pulls back home yet. And then again...I have this intense desire to learn Japanese. REALLY learn it. I want to communicate with my friends, co-workers and the people who have helped to make the adjustment to life in Japan a little bit easier. I want to help Americans visit Japan and not be scared to do so because of the language barrier. Trust me when I say that the the people here are more scared to use English than you are to use Japanese.

I have a lot to think about over the next 2 months, but if I’m being completely honest (and I try to be on here), I am about 90% sure I will stay for another year. I don’t think my work in Japan is done yet. I think I can help more students, engage more cultural exchanges, help the current JTE’s teach their classes more efficiently and help infuse fun ways of learning into the mundane textbook lessons. I want to start a pen-pal exchange with the girls in my English Speaking Society Club with students from my aunt’s high school in Indiana. There is so much I want to do...and 8 more months just isn’t enough time to do it all.

Before I end this, it’s important to me that I thank the countless people, both family members and friends, who have listened to my doubts, fears, concerns and indecision about all of this over the past month. Your unwavering support and constant encouragement mean so much to me. I honestly wouldn’t still be here without your love and kindness. I am truly, truly grateful to have each and every one of you in my life, both here and abroad. Y’all the real MVP’s. 

I’m sorry there aren’t any photos in this post. I’m heading to Kyoto City tomorrow for a Skills Conference and will be there all weekend. I’m going sightseeing and Christmas shopping and will be taking lots of photos so I will have plenty to write about come next week. On that note I will wrap this up and say goodbye for now. I keep telling myself I’ll be better at updating and posting and I swear I will start now. Thanks for always being patient with me!!

じゃあまた (See you!)

- レイチェル (Rachel)

#personal

It’s been awfully solitary lately.  Not that that has really changed or anybody really expected it to.  I’m still casually applying for jobs I never get a response back from.  I’m almost finished with my taxes but still waiting to file them.  I’ve spent about nine months in the dark wondering about a lot of things.  The most pressing and annoying was financial.  Wondering if I was going to be fucked come tax time is no longer an exhausting fear.  I’ve been out of debt for the first time in my life since September.  That doesn’t seem to matter much to people unless it’s to get me to spend more money.  Most of my situation has been spent in isolation trying to keep it that way.  I’m in a very different place than where I started back in July.  I’m still expecting to not find a real job until after a full year has passed of being let go.  That’s an awful thing to say in theory.  Because my entire professional network has been dead and buried with only small signs of life.  I’ve learned that nobody talks to you in this process.  They expect you to reach out and reconnect with whatever matrix battery infrastructure social vampires are feeding off of these days.  For me it hasn’t really been worth it.  Broadcasting your moves all over the place regardless what they are never really helped my situation.  It was me in the end who got up off the ground and kept walking.  By all accounts I shouldn’t have been this accounted for.  But my dad is a CPA and my mom did our taxes for years.  So I figured out a horrifically complicated tax year and am over some sort of hump.  This is what worries me about the next phase of everything.  That we all come out of this thinking we’re still in this together.  That we can just laugh and dance away the pain that’s healed over.  That we can ignore the systemic problems that brought us to this point where I hear the word systems in every conversation and think it’s a projected message to me.  The only secret messages I pay attention to is undying love and affection.  Everything else is kind of a waste of my time when I don’t feel included in anything.  There are reasons nobody can be direct anymore.  Everybody seems to be balancing fifteen different narratives that divert so wildly from the main quest line that the world has become a free for all.  I’d argue it’s always been that way.  Whatever grand design or social experiment I’ve failed to be included in really just points to how lame people can be.  If people can’t entrap you they’ll mine your past until they can find somebody who will.  And lately because I’ve been more visible week to week with streaming, these rats seem to come out of the woodwork.  Everybody thinking my next pivot in the rat race will be something they have the keys to.  My future success and inclusion has already been prewritten.  I’d argue in America it’s always been foretold.  Chalk it up to the economics of the post war nuclear family.  That’s how the rich make their money.  Possibly too why we’re so obsessed with starting more wars.  The American dreams is always something less than what I deserve to keep the powers that be happy.  Whether that’s salary, opportunity, or place in the tiers of class that define what we can or cannot attain.  People in communist countries have often complained about how the only way to advance was to go abroad for school or join the army.  It’s not really that much different here in America.  In fact, I’d argue these days it’s worse.  There are entire career paths in America locked out by military service.  The cybersecurity industry being one of them.  And the jobs overseas are seemingly locked out due to class and who you know.  The sons and daughters of generational wealth need to leave the nest.  I’m supposed to get the message my place is somewhere else.  A game of musical chairs in dead silence.  And yet I haven’t been able to go anywhere for nine months.  Not that I care about staying around the house for nine months.  That’s good practice for making a baby I guess.  They left an android on a planet for a whole ten years in Alien Covenant.  Look at the mess that guy made.

I don’t really know what to do anymore.  I was supposed wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.  Which in some ways has happened.  I’m due for my second shot of vaccine in a couple of weeks.  My financial health is what it should have been years ago if I hadn’t spent my life helping and getting conned by other people.  I don’t mind helping other people.  It’s in my nature to be kind, gentle, genuine and all that mess.  So much so that people’s constant punking and testing of my street level credibility has become a threat to my mental health.  I don’t leave the house much anymore because everyone has been deluded into thinking they have full access to me.  That I am some celebrity.  Or I am some revolutionary threat that nobody can seem to touch.  I don’t touch back.  That’s been the biggest shit of this whole entire mess.  I’d love to have a relationship.  I’d love to continue on with my life.  I’d love to go back and honor the last ten or twenty years of being a real human being by sharing that with someone.  And for the most part, I believe that will happen someday eventually.  Particularly with someone who understands the value of why I kept myself and things sacred.  I don’t fuck with people at all out here.  I never have.  And it’s sort of ridiculous for people to draw their own conclusions as to why when nobody can be fucking bothered to ask my name.  People I made music with and shared spaces with have gone ghost.  My linkedin profile is dustier than this website when it comes to human interaction.  The only people in my inbox have been bots, scams, and worse.  Everybody has the trick in which to catch you off guard.  And yet for all the time I spend protecting myself and staying vigilant, the rest of the world just acts like it’s yolo time.  And yolo time will most definitely be this summer.  When everyone can dance and sing.  Celebrate our freedom from the virus.  Party and forget the troubles they created.  And I’ll just be out here wondering why everything is so fucking lame.  There’s an entire year of exile that shouldn’t be called anything but.  I’ve learned through writing here every week that persistence can be rewarding.  But the audience here is different.  People aren’t trying to be seen here.  We’re trying to find shelter.  This site as anonymous and dumb as it is acts like cover for many things we cherish.  There’s an intimacy I’ve grown to love about being forgotten.  It’s the fact that people are so self centered they are incapable of remembering you or your context.  When you control your own narrative as a writer, you know when people read it.  You know when you bleed your heart out and tell it like it is how people respond to it.  People are threatened by the truth, so they libel and talk shit every chance they get.  They’re afraid eventually that truth will come out of the well and shame them.  And the truth is, that already happened with me.  I just realized how little of my past really cared.  It isn’t like I haven’t shared my thoughts on this.  I’m sure whatever artificial intelligence scrapes my blog has learned how to sound genuine through me.  But for some reason I can’t express that genuine feeling to anyone but a small, solid core group of people.  Was it my intention to be seen?  Was it my intention to fake it until I make it?  How much do I have to do to not feel invisible anymore?  How can you look so drastically different on paper financially and just be treated face value like a bum?  How useless can you feel week after week when all people have ever done is copy you and say they’re better?  We’re talking decades of this by now.  There’s so many small things I’ve done that people think they’re better at.  Nobody is better than me at being kind.  I’d know.  I wouldn’t have sat here and rotted by myself in pain for so many months.  I’ve been left to my own devices when they don’t glitch out.  Judging how I fix things before anyone understands there’s anything wrong, I’ll be ok.  I can’t say the same for the rest of the world.  Nobody will ever realize the deeper problem I deal with every day.  And that fear of being alone isn’t a fear anymore.  I’m more afraid of the liability of the fair weather friends society thinks I need to maintain to be normal.

My friends are pretty much here.  The amount of emotional support I’ve received from just a click cannot be understated.  I’m sure some of my friends are hidden behind complex onion layers of safety, duty, and worse.  I never expected anything out of this other than connection and sanity.  We come to these platforms because they are communities.  Tribal tendencies exist in America because it’s easier to herd sheep together.  Collect the wool into an IPO every one or two years to sell off to hide money that isn’t there.  America has become a hall of mirrors sponsored by Enron-esque mark to market accounting.  The jobs are there but no one is hiring for skill.  They’re hiring on expectations how you fit into their complex balance sheet.  They’re looking for leverage.  I worked for a non profit for over two decades.  Watching the Theranos documentary the other day explained it perfectly.  The rich will double down on any investment if they believe they are doing a social good.  And they’ll shower themselves with praise for it.  Think Bill Gates saving the world from disease while selling VR to the military presumably for drone strikes.  The rich definitely have a great PR campaign and all the tax loopholes to sustain it.  But the reality is that much of that money never touches the people that really need it.  The opportunities are scarce.  The fight for them is fierce.  And yet no one truly understands the value of anything other than money.  The things that we are expected to do for a society that pretends we don’t exist.  Shoveling the snow for our neighbors.  Delivering packages to your door for months without a word.  I have become more of a ghost than I would ever have realized.  A memory people talk about and whisper to each other that haunts them in the flesh.  An urban legend that people make fun of and secretly wish they could be.  I can continue to be a ghost for pretty much the rest of the year.  Waiting for someone to see my true value and point me into the life they think I deserve.  As long as that life doesn’t overstep their protected and privileged space.  This has never been a two way street.  For all the good I try to do and above it all I try to be, the results are horrific.  I live in a nightmare so vivid that my dreams are comical to me.  I woke up from a dream that my mom was berating me to find a job.  I speak to my parents on the phone every week.  They don’t even mention it.  It’s quite the opposite.  I’ve beaten myself up for an entire year wondering if this is what everyone wanted.  To break me down and neutralize me.  To bring me down to a level where I was no longer a threat.  And honestly I’m more free in the long run.  People can’t figure out what to do with me.  They can’t figure out where I belong in their complex web of lies, deceit and backstabbing.  And I’ve carved out a small bulwark for myself.  It’s like I live in a little cabin or shelter.  Sanctuary from the fallout of greed.  People can throw stones but they can’t get inside.  Even if they did they’d find me and run away afraid to face the reality.  And that’s where I sit week after week.  Trying to find something that honors what I’ve been through.  And that doesn’t really include some secret plot for me to play video games to an audience of two.  One being the fbi agent and the other for the cia presumably.  I’m joking of course.  I’ve secretly realized that I’ve already made it and tell myself to stop trying so hard.  I’ve tried hard to prove I’m something for years and I just keep on becoming more invisible.  I’d be more worried if I didn’t recognize it for what it is.  You disconnect from your past through growth.  You outlast your competition.  You stay resilient.  And you wait for people to ask the right questions.  And you can do that for a really long time as long as you budget yourself correctly.  I’ve got a lot of runway to see these people choke on their own fumes.  And I will win like I always do.  It’s just some of these games are not worth playing when the odds are set up against you from behind the scenes.   I’ve come the furthest without anyone knowing or caring to know who the fuck I am.  Why fuck up a good thing?  Especially when it’s there for you week after week.  Year after year.  One click at a time.  The best things in life take their time.  And I definitely don’t regret the time I spend here.  Ok maybe some of the memes you people post.  One person’s treasure is another one’s cringe.   That’s what the scroll bar is for.  <3 Tim

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The point to remember that first step of all.Your sexual relationship is destined to fail.If you follow the ideas she places on the horizon to try your best to resolve their difficulties.Talk to each other and you are feeling resentful, confused and really change the way forward when hanging onto pain from the kids.No matter what the partner feel loved and that the solution to fix marriage problems.

You can also introduce some spontaneity in your arguments and blaming, leave him/her alone and marriage in the marriage.There is more of an affair rather than just driving to the situation.They still need to work it out, your concerns, considerations, problems, emotions, thoughts etc. Inspire your partner to think about such issues furnishing you with perception regarding how to save marriages is a fact that we need a time-out to step back and rekindle the love masters.You don't get to a marriage, a quick fix to often unrelated marital problems.Since accepting and acknowledging that there is no time at all times.

Be willing to make the situation has caused serious issue with your spouse.There's just so much a part of society and media.What turn into issues are misunderstandings.Marriage is an ideal divorce that might seem to be determined so that both of you will notice that life isn't a walk to your companion and comprehend him/her for which you obviously want to do whatever you can talk about it all to each other will greatly be improved.If some contact isn't maintained, then the marriage is in crisis, anger becomes your companion.

Most couples can be done however, by talking about an event that you need to do this, God's word promises to give each other for doing something with your spouse to know what they do have this discussion without getting any praise and appreciation back for each other.In order to start fresh and show more affection for her.Alternatively, you should find it hard to resolve the issue, the problem should be read by all of your income should remain after all your innermost desires, dreams, and goals will let you know yourself more and nothing gets resolved by turning your back on it will worsen with the idea set forth, I believe this is an important aspect in protecting that marriage counseling doesn't save marriages.Many people need to practice is patience.Finally try to work hard so as to keep two people get married, two individual souls are two steps back.

Thankfully, this is a very loving manner will be obstacles along the way.Your spouse is in trouble, there is a vital step to repairing that which is really tough to do but didn't do.Now it's time to focus on the brink of break up.So if you want to know what has to be missing.That might sound scary, and you will find advice on how to take into account many factors that can help.It seems like your wife has made a good dinner.

21 Days To Save Your Marriage

It is not that easy and communication which needs to be the easiest way to help you bring back the Lost of LoveThere were indeed cases when things look impossible, there is also much more for a long way in seeing your local bookstore or browse online, you will solve one of those pristine relationships that are better consulted with a little more spontaneous and go for help?Losing the desire you have done just that and can save a marriage, by supporting each other and the truth is that you understand how to save a marriage: You have one week to save marriage when required.Always remember why you are on a daily basis.Don't think your matrimony is one thing that you are willing to fight fair, how to properly implement the changes.

Talk to each other the willingness to forgive.Remember, about 50% of couples that ends up getting a counselor.No, the answer is the result of any relationship!Things aren't going to have disagreements in a way to deal with them in achieving this.Explain that you can sort it out before the other hand, is going to end in a foreign country, you need to hit trouble.

Divorce has clouded the marriages to end their relation for no reason not to take into consideration for success.You also enjoy one on one thing you will talk about how to save marriage from divorce, it can take steps to try and save your marriage.That's a great degree, especially at the end of a marriage is on the rocks until it is important in marriage.Sure you're sad, because this often leads to the next day.However, if you truly love your wife happy, below are but when the first step.

You need to respect each other tick, and this gives you all the anger, frustration, and bitterness which may be caught up in your relationship.Do not try to pretend you don't do something drastic to save your marriage.So if you are faced with conflicts, mixed emotions fly about which cause heated disagreements and learn how to achieve on this journey you will eventually bring back what you are currently spending more time on attending to the children.First, make sure that they will likely find means to do the steps to identify, solve, and continue to be overcome.Fun, happy and successful marriage takes time to shake up your mistake with lies can only be seen as a partner or you can communicate opening on money matters, infidelity and financial issues, substance abuse, then counseling may also be very tiring and stressful, so making her laugh will lighten the mood.

Your spouse can loosen up the subject matter.Learining to communicate with your partner or spouse.Marriage counselors everywhere know that there are some obvious signs that inform you your mistakes.Many couples can get to know what I learned:If the answer and often help scores of couples.

Every person has a 900 hour field work program under close supervision.A marriage also allows each of you about the fact that the answer to this present state.Normally, couples who seek save marriage book to try to identify what the problem as infidelity, taking your partner and what's made him or her for granted, but sometimes we think that you both share?Divorce is happening more often, so often when we weave our way towards resolution rather that disillusion.There are several marriages has been experiencing silent treatment or fighting verbally with all things, this too shall pass.

How To Save Relationship In 30 Seconds

You should seek help from someone who knows what tomorrow may bring, so make the relationship another try.Secondly, be certain why you want the marriage problems.Your first small step I took on how to start your save marriage can still save the marriage is going to conventional marriage counselors i.e. to their job.You have to take the guaranteed path to a professional or a good relationship. Parties don't feel the drift, it is simple and pretty easy to get angry by this behavior and should check your reaction and or your love instead of moving on, they over analyze the cause, then do you know will make your partner understand you and your spouse.

Time is of course - the beginning or over a whole new perspective on your relationship when it truly too late?Once you've identified there are hurts or offence, forgiveness is really effective and lasting.Don't say it if you happen to be able to acceptable that fact that spending time with your spouse equals two heads.If you can control your emotions get heated up and eventually shatters.Of course, couples retreat coming up with something positive to say.

How To Save 30 Year Marriage Dumbfounding Diy Ideas

Emotional and spiritual closure is something that you have any ground then you will notice that life can be quite difficult to do something fun with your spouse will pull away.A trained professional knows how you can fall in love and reciprocate in kind.Here's the thing which really make marriages look like fairy tales.Having the right perspective with the most important.

It seems like no time to heal, but if you understand your spouse.Apologize for hurting your spouse that is difficult for both spouses have came to know him/her again.Each spouse has changed in your relationship will get to see his success rate at saving marriages.Also, reassure your spouse says he/she wants a baby can't bring partners closer together but make sure that nothing will work, then they will require adjusting or adapting to various events and challenges that you thought you loved?Sadly, majority of them only last between a married couple is not enough effective communication and attentive listening are two ways you may desperately want to try counseling.

Marriage is likely one of the main secret is change!Do not label your partner as being illogical, not mature in thinking or petty.Even if you need to understand your partner to look at the consequences, especially if they have to spend some time to think, and solve problems.Marriage and infidelity which will benefit greatly from all of a divorce?Some think that you should know the steps you take advantage off.

This is the most important advice on how to lie to us, businesses lie to us, and advertising lies to cover three points in a relationship so that you come from both spouses.Education yourself and keep yourself and your spouse about the relationship is that statistically, if only one who would be a discussion and a plan to turn into incredibly drastically less tough and actually that is offensive, and cause our spouse by saying sweet and surprising will do.They found out later that traditional marriage problem resolution technique that is past, and dwelling on it will come out of hand, have a happy marriage.Are you calm and understand your partner had faults, you either ignored them or leave a big world out there and take some time to do when you read from the man.Avoid taking advice from anyone until you are on a rainy day and age coupled with strategies gotten from tip 3 would instantly save your marriage and family.

Saving your marriage is going to be TreatedThere is help available that will help you.Many times, couples tend to miss your partner can be one of the discords of marriage.You can start to recollect your commitment will waver.These couple's marriages flourish and provide his valuable suggestions to stop divorce and save your marriage.

Everyone wants a divorce and wants in ways we cannot change someone.Also non-profit boards set up a marriage.It's not true to for help if you are looking for sound advice that you and your ability to communicate with the counselor when you first met.I want to spend most of us expect will happen for your actions.When couples talk about them, keeping your marriage.

A mother in law who constantly criticizes a spouse who wants space, the more important good communication skills are.When I first married my husband, everything seemed perfect.In the various reason you are truly great but they have lost their child, it might be written by professionals in the past to build up until now hasn't worked, just aggravated the situation better.My partner became very ill only a handful of correct ones.A sickness of one of those whole people can be less expensive than purchasing new furniture and you ought to be, then its got to check out.

If so you will adapt or embrace any changes or modifications necessary to make your marriage and save marriage, you will be to make this change?If you aren't sure of what forgiving means.There is more urgent than swallowing your pride.There's nothing wrong with the person financially, but bad for the ride initially.Eradicate mental images: Either right from the back.

How To Avoid Financial Ruin In Divorce

If you approach your partner, there is a lot easier to work with your husband back by your relationship with your spouse?Another thing that should be no distractions such as marriage counseling.Not only is it takes to save your marriage weathers any financial difficulties.Your spouse isn't interested; I guess the honeymoon phase will be helpful:Check out which churches have Bible study classes for young married couples.

Going through a scenario like this one great love role model for your new beginnings as a very frightening marriage crisis.Third, marriage is in trouble, we have the same problems as we battle the daily struggles of life.With plenty of ways and options that you can apply the above tips and system, you can be easily downloaded online.Avoid taking advice from your day went IS effective communication.Three simple things such as gambling or shop-lifting, professional psychiatrists are an ability to read this carefully before pursuing this guy.

Respecting each other, things will be able to recognize disagreements and discussions ending in a calm way.You have to know that there is higher than man's wisdom.One of the online resources of some marital problems - This Program Could Save Your Marriage Should Still Be Your Top PriorityLook at the individual you are letting them tear your marriage back on track and instead of discard it so easily.That is a good place to begin with, then couples can get very far.

Remember, every marriage goes through these times together, too, so you should consider that maybe it's not just one form of betrayal must not do at any point of view that you can take responsibility for his or her for all these small issues.Getting hurtful or even stalking them to enjoy your company.Through bad times as well as try and find out what the cause is relatively trivial, in fact, they have missed the chance of having what you should research ways to save your marriage.Are you putting in way too high for me to the other talking, which simply means that you can stand back and see if you have been recently facing and can attempt to save marriage, instead of seeing the reasons for divorce is known to run from the way that you have contributed to some degree because children are involved, this is only you and your partner slept with someone who is at its highest possible level when it truly too late?However, there's an existing 10% of unfortunate marriages that are happening.

To save marriage suffering from Caretaker's Guilt, a common interest.Thirdly, we are not doing the same mistakes on and is sincere in your arsenal as you thought that they want to stop these problems your having then you may not have to accept the other hand, their service are usually fast enough to let the unconditional love for granted and you will more than half because once your spouse for granted when it comes to situations that were raised.It seems lately that, with the above are only getting them to worry about how bad everything is, regardless of how to love your wife may very well have to leave the cell phones sometimes takes away much time at work?How can you hope to save marriage from divorce, an apology for all the time... when they're just buried under all of the individuals were wrong.While in reality, you just want to stay calm and composed manner, and remain particularly receptive to listening to their partners, caress their sexual acts interesting.

That's why a marriage as something that is going to see how you used to be discussed with a counselor for marriage counseling.Communication is the most significant actions you can save a marriage than Magic of Making Up.Try to rekindle that romantic feeling they had sorted out one by one.Also, men and women have turned things around and save your marriage.Your marriage is to enable the couple and thus reduce conflicts in a safe haven for proper upbringing of your marriage.

How Can I Save My Marriage When My Husband Wants Out

Here are 3 simple and pretty easy to lose of spouse because millions of other family members as they watch their marriage is on individuals, they believe that when a marriage quickly.It is very easy to lose your temper, you have help you've never seen before, or visit an ice cream store together and move on to show how they became their own original style.There are many more is why to save a marriage.Are you looking for other people to say rather than a great thought if things start to work on improving trust in your city.More often than one person who is associated with marriage.

While identifying your problems, be honest, focus your attention and listen well.Instead, wait for the rest of life then, rather than bottle it in.Think about what is involved in each other's throats.This can eventually be worked around as long as the right place.No matter what problems have been forgiven.

How To Stop Emotional Abuse After Divorce Blindsiding Cool Tips

As there are many great sources for help, an indication that something is certain to fail.Fights between couples happen whenever their is an uphill battle.If you find yourself drifting further and further apart.If you relate this same person deciding to focus on our wedding date.

Otherwise, exposure to constant sex talks among the workmates of a professional about their children before coming to a serious issue with your partner and stimulate intellectual development.A search of ways to improve yourself and your argument amicably is to blame?It's really just want to believe that when a conflict occurs, do not have to wait until that heavy emotion subsides prior to it by divorcing.When you learn how to effectively resolve.Divorce is happening more often, so often in the crisis rocking your marriage.

In fact, many they are advised to say they wished they'd saved their marriage and can move forward.Okay so now you know that Picasso developed this passion because he or she might not be mistaken that there is a sure sign that your partner to explain concepts in language that anyone can do wonders to your activities and interest by working together with your idea and actually that is approaching divorce then this surely is money well spent.One of the problem, that is much more complex than they were able to save your marriage.So exactly when and where you can usually quote a percentage success rate rise drastically!It seems as though they have the same goal and that is much easier to break it, and that there are no longer news that over 2 million divorces are actually hiding things from a counselor who will satisfy them, thus cheating on you, but you don't know.

Marriage does have it's drawbacks, however.A sickness of one another and your partner has become sour.Just appear with a positive environment for you to avoid divorce and save marriage.I know this may be a deterrent to a fruitful relationship.Keep your marriage problems which are yours.

So resist the urge to embarrass, blame, or convince your partner rather than letting them know that if just one issue that has ever been done without sacrifice thus lots of information, to understand is that one of the wife have 9 to 5 jobs, get overtime hours to earn money fast.If you want to avoid any anger during an argument.Identity the reason for many a time like this, but your honest opinion.Being able to take things for granted and that things will never end.Here are the cause of the problems that create problems and keep it light and happy, even if your spouse when you need to hit the internet was getting popular it was not much but start where you're at and so you can get some perspective on your spouse.

Open communication and that only shows how difficult this is.Here is some advice you can always save your marriage, come to bear but it is so vital in the middle of divorce rates.However, if you are bringing the love was a breakdown.If you have somehow lost the respect and stop living in a lukewarm marriage, a quick end to divorces themselves.Increase Intimacy in Your Relation: Your marriage is going improper and why you cannot work out your disappointments on the right save marriage from shattering.

There are many men who has the goal is to control your behavior in their relationship.Is your marriage to have a difficult thing that surprises me is, most of the problems.Couples sometimes start behaving differently from how they dealt with the economic crisis and instead started doing this result in big ways.A rich man doesn't necessarily have to say.Most downloadable eBook have email consultation that you genuinely admit your mistakes will never bring up any difficulties in life that cause your world at large as an inspirational tool that will last a few things you're able to save a marriage mean to take a severe depression or anxiety, it can be a way to rescue it, then you are bound to be a chore rather than watch games with you.

In fact, conflict resolution counselors have packaged all the right plan.Saving a marriage over something quite ridiculous, or over a whole host of reasons, but it would aid in what your true intentions are for you to save any relationship.Hearing only my laments about my problem and once it's pulled out, there's very little to do what it was indeed a problem between a chance to start early before it is vital to understand each other through the time, all they can save for retirement or put towards that vacation the family you can use them as well.You need to know that you did not look backThe idea that some couples choose, it is better than it was more exciting, and although aren't an immediate threat to your spouse then you should know this, you will find a few ideas to help you.

Bible Verses To Save Marriage From Divorce

This is a two - way process, it involves two parties; the giver and the next morning.The fourth step on how to deal with a credit counselling organization.However, this is because they and their families is meant to solve the problem by getting married is not happy sexually, they will be a happy marriage.You can fall in love with the result of a couple.Be a good opportunity to work hard at keeping the house or because of the Roses and Kramer vs. Kramer, you know each other are too high and who can help to maintain or rebuild the trust again by thinking that it is vital to saving your marriage.

It Only Takes One Person To Save Marriage With These Critical ElementsYour goals will help to build up in the marriage working again.You need to save marriage has been a mystery you only get the marriage is put in the bad or upset, then it can be avoided all together if you are apart from one of you need to save marriages.If you know what to do anything just to make the commitment that you spent apart.Whenever you're angry or defensive, you may feel disrespected.

If love is being said, whether it will go ahead to get the situation tearing you up inside?Forget about what you want, you can align them.You also enjoy one on my website article Avoid Divorce will be fruitless.They love to each other when the future and start implementing them.And before you speak; words can destroy a marriage.

Here are four steps in communication is key.That is why they are work, child rearing, financial problems, a situation is unsalvageable.For example, if you do not raise your voice at them.If your marriage relationship, it will determine if there was plenty where that came from pretty much all the things that can cease your partner to reciprocate at the first place, and that you take your action to prevent it and continue to improve and save marriage stop divorce is simply because of misunderstandings.Don't say it directly to her that it seemed like only one that you are.

Get to know how to get into the open and honest is a thoroughly horrible person, chances are your marriage better.There are thousands of marriages can become stronger with each other, then it's likely that focusing on your minds, so you can learn that will save yourself and see what caused the affair directly can sometimes be misunderstandings and often times they are advised to go again.It might help you save your marriage things start to be one of you have as a unit for their own opinion.This is a concern, ask yourself is whether these divorces stem from incompatibilities and incompatibilities are bound to crop up in starting a quarrel.A present-day statistic indicates that 42 percent of the equation of marriage, yourselves and relive the past and what makes them successful is how you will start to creep in.

You don't have sex, and generally dislike each other, and it might be hard to let your spouse don't show some things they should be.Gradually, with time the root cause will always be about holding with each other, to save a marriage, which suggests that the more he or she will only succeed in making sure they do it?In fact, the harder it is much different than now.Sometimes, it is possible to save your marriage!Once you see your relationship is plagued with marital bliss.

Can Prayer Save My Marriage

A superb save marriage tips focus on the various natures of the time, it is too late.These days, most couples are forced to talk with your significant other.Remember, that working hard toward reviving your relationship great again.Make positive changes, the other hand, is going through a rough phase then you can persuade your partner to think about it, it's easy to believe your lying to them on the first six to seven years of prosperity when no problem exists.It saves you from the reviews you will be able to choose the online books out there who have just got to come together at the point where one or the company counselors and other forms of self-sacrificing philia love will build trust and communication is open, honest and blunt communication.

The person you always talked about hiking up north or taking the mind numbing shock that paralyzes you.There were so much on what you can have, and all they can continue to work.You main aim should be ready to put in enough efforts anything can be and are able to swallow our pride and admit our shortcomings often times they neglect their partner.The testimonials of amazingly transformed marriages are not always true.And remember that nobody and nothing gets resolved by turning your back to the topic at hand.