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louscartridge · 1 year

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⇢ ˗ˏˋ closer

haku shota x gn reader.

angst / comfort.

cw- reader is scared soul is cheating on them, insicurities, mentions of drifing appart, reader and soul saying ‘ily’, established relashionship, both the reader and soul wear cologne bc lets be honest cologne is better anyway, mentions of his real name like once, bpd iyk for the reader.

brought to you by- closer by waterparks and my first real relashionship 😻😹💀

your relationship with soul was amazing. it was everything you could ever want. but yet, you wanted more.

you both loved eachother so much, no matter what. both of you had your difficulties with expressing your feelings, sure, but you tried to show it in other ways. giving or making eachother a piece of jewellery or clothes, borrowing outfits, trading colognes, helping eachother with work. however, you could only go so long before you started to get scared and insecure.

you’ve both said ‘i love you’ to eachother a few times. you don’t say it a lot anymore.

you felt as if the two of you had drifted.

the beginning of your relashionship was everything and more. non-stop texting and calling no matter what, endless ‘i love yous’, and hell, arguing over who loves the other more. but as always, the honeymoon phase always ends eventually.

whenever you would text him ‘i love you’ or anything along those lines, he just replies with a simple emoji or an ‘ilyt’. he was showing something, but it wasn’t the same. you stopped saying it in person, ‘cause honestly? you were scared.

you felt as if you guys flirted more and were more affectionate when you weren’t even dating. so what happened? so now he finally has you he thinks it doesn’t even matter? did he find someone else? replace you? that didn’t seem like shota at all, but yet again, it doesnt sound like most of the people who had done it to you. you couldn’t bear the embarrassment of him breaking up with you if he was cheating, or lost feelings. should you do it yourself? save the embarrassment and get it over with? but what if he wasn’t cheating on you, didnt lose feelings, then what. you just ruined the best thing you’ve ever had.

you don’t want to break up with him. you can’t. you won’t. but you need more of him. you need him closer. you just need to feel like you have him again.

that’s what led you here.

standing on one side of the dance studio while soul stood in the middle, breathing heavily, a bit sweaty.

you had texted him asking if you could come over to the dance studio, which he had replied to with a ‘yeah’.

you didnt know what you were going to say, but you wanted to say something.

“hi y/n” soul smiled.

“hey” you awkwardly mutter.

souls smile quickly went away while he turned his head slightly to the side. “what’s wrong?”

“i just-” you sigh before continuing. “are you cheating on me?” you ask quietly, voice shaking slightly.

your brain immediately scolded you. ‘holy shit holy shit holy shit. why did you actually just ask him that? what if he is? do you really want to know that? what if he’s not and he gets mad what if-‘

souls eyes widen slighty and eyebrows furrow. “what? no, im not cheating on you y/n”

“do you still love me?” your eyes start to water and he notices.

“oh my god, of course i still love you y/n!” souls hands fly out and he walks closer towards you.

you let out a sob of relief at his words, but you were still doubting. why is everything colder than it used to be?

soul takes your hands in his and pulls you down to sit on the floor with him. “i made you feel like i don’t?” he questions, his own voice small.

“i don’t know i just- no its okay, nevermind, it’s stupid.” you sniff.

“no, nothing is stupid if it makes you feel like this. especially if it has to do with our relationship.”

“i don’t know, why don’t you say you love me anymore? why- why are you so dry with texting? more than you used to be, somehow. i feel like we’ve drifted and i’m losing you or you’re losing me, i don’t know, it could be my fault for all i know. maybe it’s not you who’s being cold, maybe its me-”

soul cut you off. “baby stop. nothing is your fault. i haven’t lost feelings for you. at all. i’m not cheating on you or anything. i feel the same exact way i did when we first started dating. if anything, i love you more.” soul briefly let go of your hands to move behind you and hold you. “i didn’t really say it as much as i used to because i guess i thought you knew that so i didn’t need to say it so much anymore. obviously, i didnt think about that. and as for getting dryer? i didnt even realize i was doing it, i swear i didnt mean to and its not gonna be the only thing i’ll start working on.”

after you didn’t say anything, soul broke the silence by asking you, “why didn’t you say anything to me when you first started feeling like this?”

“i was scared. scared that maybe i was right. but then what?” you answer.

“well if you ever start thinking or feeling anything similar again, tell me. like, right away, don’t wait. okay?”

“okay.”

“i love you so much.”

god, hearing him say that make you so happy.

“i love you too.”

“can we go to your dorms now? i know you were practicing but i really miss you and while we’re in this lovey-dovey mood i wanna take advantage of it.” you know there’s a huge chance he’ll say no, but you ask anyway hopefully.

“for you? of course we can.”

a/n- i kinda wanna post this again, but with a shitty ending??

if you liked this fic, you may also like - jewelry

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misqnon · 7 days

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my therapist has explained to me that i probably do not have adhd or autism. bc i very much suspected i at least had one or the other. and to an extent she has a point bc she was like "every one of your symptoms can be explained away by ur anxiety"

awkward and poor social skills? anxiety trying to plan social situations in ur head and play everything to a script? anxiety sensory issues? could be anxiety + literally just a quirk

and i trust my therapist and honestly a lot of what she said COULD also be explained away by anxiety bc i have a Lot of it. and we kinda downplay anxiety as a more mild mental illness due to its prevalence nowadays but its really..really not. it can be debilitating. we say "crippling anxiety" as a joke but no it genuinely can ruin ur life. when u say you have anxiety it immediately feels less serious than something like autism or adhd or bpd etc etc bc its so common but like many other mental illnesses its 100% a spectrum and the far end of the spectrum is dangerous and unhealthy and terrible and life ruining. genuinely. ive had untreated anxiety for like a decade and my memory has eroded EXPONENTIALLY...i have terrible memory now and i used to be genuinely above average with it. my brain fog is really bad too. and im always tired and chronicly fatigued bc my mind is always working overtime. it affects ur whole life and body.

well. i went off on a bit of a tangent there. but. much as i agree with all that AND what she said. if thats the case...why do i hyperfixate on media SOOO drastically heavily. dr....why dr...

i asked her this and she said something along the lines of "well maybe ur just weird/have an addictive personality/maybe its just a copign mechanism" and like yea i could have tolf u all of that. but idk...it feels like very much siomething my brain is wired to do. the way i obsess over things and CANNOT not think about them for long period of time.

she, of course, ended this big long speech with the fact that the dsm-5 was written by a bunch of old white men. for other white cis men etc. and i dont fit into that really. but. thats how it is. so no diagnosis for me right now. just. anxiety hell version, i guess

#microphone effect #i try to keep this in mind now when i make autism jokes bc i really. Truly thought i was #and she did make some good points. and anxiety does explain a lot fo it away #but damn. i still kinda wonder a bit #anyway this is a personal vent but idc if u reblog #just something to keep in mind when considering autism as a diagnosis. i guess

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pinkadork · 2 months

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One day words will stop being exchanged and knowing you're more likely to be relieved than devastated or even a bit bummed is sending me

Like okay

Pause for a minute

Lets be real my tumblr page is like my public diary or whatever and like

Idk i look at shit and its sad how much through the entirety of this shit therapy or not ive been trying to see more than my side and be able to see my faults for what they are while also doing something about it but i swear im either villaianized or pacified by you in any given moment and then its like im both a dumb ass for wanting you so badly was and i feel like my feelings get overshadowed bc the bpd and oooh i take meds now, and you still treat me like like an abuser and thats what you tell people. And i just wanna stop feeling like I'll never be able to enjoy anything fr ever again. Even at my best i still have you on my brain when it feels like you're doing everything to erase me and then make me feel like thats the right response. I fucking hate this shit so much its like i sit here and I'm fine and then i keep fucking setting myself off with how upset this makes me. Like nigga i live in my aunt basement, i work in a fucking factory, im a fucking temp worker nigga , and yet and still my stupid ass is worried about who? Trying to figure out how to get right for who? Pathetic as shit.

I know you wouldn't do the same bc you didnt.

I'm so frustrated. it's unbelievable. I keep wrapping my head around how bs this all is, or how i swallowed how angry certain shit has had me.

Again nigga its been months and i know for a fact the same shit is being peddled.

You doing your thing is whatever but doing so and then trying to undermine the fact that itd hurt me (which you later admitted to trying to do anyway) nigga fucked someone then was like "i mean we broke up like 6 months ago so i did good right lol" fucking first of all at 6 months vs 5 years make it make sense, second of all it let me realize that the second time we tried when shit felt "so right" mesnt nothing to this nigga it was a good two months which for me made the breakup reset and st the time this happend made this like 4 months but as you can see by me writing this out who the fuck other than me cares about some weird shit like that. Regardless its like i have to be either high as hell or always working now more thsn ever to not walk into the very accessible highway.

I accepted that i ruined my life but holy fuck did you make it worse

I am forever sorry about how shit ended and every rude outburst ever spouted from my lips, any time i made you feel any negative way, but my brother in christ i didn't and dont deserve this shit and sometimes it really bothers me that i love you the way i do. You act scared of me like im obsessed but i feel like im going mad bc it was like you made me this way. From jump, the constant vc, the way youd make me feel insignificant or like i wasnt enough, and then have the nerve to try and make it a thing about my insecurities that yes i told you about but fuck.

I feel so dumb because i actually would wait until you're ready because i feel deep in my core that i fw you for life type shit. Its always gang shit whatever. I love you and want things to be okay regardless to how i feel .

Fuck im tired

#pinkadorkdiaries #bpd vent #breakup vent

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mentalwordvomit · 3 years

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A bit of a vent? Sorry. But to continue where I left off: I was having dinner with my mom and we were having a really nice time. I had to take some pills that come in a blister and my asd ass needs to take them out in a very specific order/ pattern.

My hands were dirty so I asked my mom to take them out for me and told her how to do it. She understood and then proceeded to absolutely ignore the order and destroy the pattern. She knows how much it bothers me, she knows how important that little routine is for me. She even jokes and tells me that I must have old because of how picky I am with so many things. And yet, she chose to ignore all that and do something that she knew would upset me.

And then she proceeded to get upset because I yelled at her, asking why would she do something to upset me and laugh about it.

And this is something she does often.

I always sit in the same spot on the table, always drink from the same glass, always take my medications in the same order, etc. But sometimes she just feels like ruining my day by not allowing me to do those things and then mocks me for getting angry.

I'm so fucking tired, I just wanna graduate, find a job, and move out as far as I can. And I'm taking my lil bro with me because there's no way in hell I'm leaving him with her. No wonder I have bpd on top of everything else, no one that has to live with her will leave mentally stable.

dude i FEEL you for real oh my gosh. and i dont know why people do it. I mean my first instinct is like 'they dont understand because they don't have bpd or asd, etc' but like??? just be a decent human being?? Its not that hard to put two and two together and just be nice to someone??

lol sorry this is something that i think about a lot so im a bit passionate. I am so so sorry that you still have to be at home. moving out was the best thing that ever happened to me and i hope you have the smoothest time possible getting out. Best of luck and again im so sorry that shit SUCKS and you dont deserve it

#bpd #actually bpd #vent #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #bpd problems #borderline thoughts #bpd meme #tw #borderline #ask

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cowstiandior · 4 years

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phew this rly is gonna be the first post I’ve made in like a year but. Like the others, time to pour my heart out I guess.

I’ve dealt with a lot of trauma. I’m still going through my trauma because every so often I learn things that I had no idea about whether it be because I blocked it out or just never thought about it in an abusive light. I guess, first thing’s first, to explain why a lot of this stuff impacted me in a huge way (not to say that it wouldn’t have otherwise, but.).

My biological father was emotionally and physically abusive. To me, to my sibling, to my mother and all his exe’s. He had mental illnesses that were left untreated like BPD, narcissism, and compulsive lying. When I was five, he tried to get me to believe that my mom was cheating on him with a friend of hers and that this guy was gonna steal her away. And I believed him and cried and screamed until my mom promised me that was the case. I only found out, in my late teens, that he was the one that had cheated. Constantly. Eventually they divorced and I moved with my mom to texas after the school year was finished because that gave her time to prepare a place to live for me. Unfortunately during that period where I still lived with my dad... he did a lot of things. And even though (apparently) my grandparents on my mother’s side tried to have me over as much as they could, there was still long amounts of times that I spent with my father.

He exposed me to a lot of shit I shouldn’t have been as a child. Movies with graphic violence and horror (I once had a panic attack when I lost a tooth because I thought that awful lady from darkness falls was gonna come and kill me), nudity and sex. Hell, anime that borderlined into straight up hentai. Only two years ago did I learn from my mother that she always thought my dad was sexually abusing me, but she never had the proof. And maybe she was right. Maybe he did, and I blocked some of it out. He showed me all that stuff, and I remember how he would cling to me in the bed he forced me to share with him and told me I was the only one that loved him and understood. He would buy and show me things I shouldn’t have been seeing and then told me not to tell my mother.

He once brought me over to one of his girlfriends and while I “slept” on the couch, he had sex with his gf right there in the living room just a foot away from where I was. He had only wait... what, five minutes? For me to fall asleep and didn’t even check if I had. I was facing the back of the couch so I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear all of it. I was too afraid to move or even breathe.

That on its own is a lot, but I’m sharing this to give some background into my feelings about this roleplay groups I was a part of over the years.

My first experience with rping was the alvin and the chipmunks oc community on yt. Which was a very niche thing on its own, but there were a LOT of people. It basically boiled down to us coloring over screencaps and fanart to make our ocs, make songs high-pitched and then vid our ocs using the pictures to the songs in wmm and pretending that was our ocs singing them. Some of us communicated via AIM to actually rp our ocs. At the time I was 11/12. I ended up rping with people much older than me, one of whom, the one I rped with the longest and had the greater attachment to, was 16. We rped smut with our ocs. I thought this was normal. They did it with others so why not me as well? They were popular and I was just starting out in the community, so if I did this, then I’d get more attention. And it worked. I got attention from people much older than me and I felt like I was a huge part of this community. All because one of my ocs fucked a more important person’s oc and they got together.

But eventually I fell out of it. I randomly found nondisney crossover videos on yt and began to watch them religiously. Like, really bad ones also made in wmm, but I thought they were so cool. This was way back before editors ever even dreamed of using AE to make seamless masks for their videos. I lefts the aatc group behind to try and make my own. I didn’t have much success until one of my videos blew up and I got a lot of subscribers. I still wasn’t part of what felt like a closely knit community, but I wanted to be. I made silly reaction videos of vidders getting jokingly ‘married’, I commented and liked others videos to try and get noticed by them. Because I was 13 and had no irl friends.

Then ‘video rps’ began to be a thing. I instantly was enamored, and having experience in rping before, desperately joined. It was fun, at first! I started to connect with more people, they wanted to plot these stupid stuff ideas with me. Then the group decided to move to good ol’, fresh baby-faced tumblr. And I enjoyed that because, at the time, I thought I was a better writer than I was a vidder (news flash I wasn’t good at either of these things sdfkjdns). Somehow, after this move, I became really close with the mods. Both of whom were in the 20s while I was 14 (and just starting high school). One of them called me her ‘wifey’ and I went along with it and did the same. Because I liked the attention. I thought I was important even though, really, none of my characters except two were ever part of any large plots or got attention. They also talked about sexual things with me because my main oc was dating one of the mods’ oc. I remember them solely getting together because of ‘aphrodisiac dust’ too.

And I’ll admit, I also kinda forced it on my side. The mod had her oc basically in a ‘love triangle’ between my and my friend meg’s ocs. Which is... honestly a Lot now that I think about it. She kept stringing us along, both me and meg being the same age too. So when I saw the oppurtunity of “hey my oc was forced to be really horny and if I get Jen’s oc to fuck mine, that would mean they’ll be together’! So that’s what I did. And it worked. And it was only way later once I really processed what I’d done that I felt like shit for what I did to meg. This adult had basically tried to get us to fight each other of this dumb fucking ship. Haha jokes on u jen, now they’re both lesbians and are dating.

Though before this, when my oc was dating another member’s, that ended... really badly when said member had her boyfriend raped by their other ocs. One the dash. With no warning. Not even telling me about that possibility. It made me feel sick. So I dropped them.

Anyways, yeah. In this rp group I was, once again, exposed to smut and sexual things by those that weren’t just older than me, but also adults. They tried to get me to turn on other people in the group. They were also homophobic which, at the time, had a huge impact on me since I was, even then, trying to figure out what and who I was.

Both mods were controlling, rude, and eventually, all of us decided to split off from them and move our ocs to a new but similar setting. This shift was lead by gansey, who became the new mod. I was also partially close to them, and given that at the time I thought they were a good writer and they were popular, I relished in that attention. I thought of them as an older sibling. But in the end they weren’t all that different from Jen and Usa, the previous mods.

Even back in TOW, Gansey had this strange fascination with cheating. Given that Jen’s oc and mine were dating, and gansey had this (understandable, at the time) hatred for her and Usa, they tried to get their main oc to be... really close with mine. Always close enough to cheating or being seen as romantic but never enough that they could apply plausible deniability to the situation. They even made this weird ‘au’ video of them together without talking to me about it. ...A lot of things were done without talking to me about it.

Their obsession with cheating even extended into TAR, where they kept hinting at one of their ocs being interest with another of mine despite Sonia being in a relationship with Shelly’s Archie. I thought, perhaps, that maybe they wanted it to become an open relationship or poly. And if they had talked about it with Shelly and I and we all agreed with it, that would have been fine. But such a thing was never brought up. When said character suddenly developed an evil demon personality, them trying to force their affection on Sonia became even more obvious. Only now the character had a proper ‘excuse’, being evil and whatnot.

Gansey really did have this weird thing for cheating, ruining other people’s ships, and also dubcon/noncon. And again, Gansey was an adult while I was in high school. These things Just Kept Happening. And even though I thought we were close at the time, I never really was involved in any of their big plots (or really anyone’s) unless it involved some of these concepts.

Eventually I started to talk a lot with Meg because we were the same age and had similar interests. This led to me talking with Shelly more and then Bonnie, Kyle, and Morgan. And I’m so grateful for that. People I had been so afraid of contacting on my own to talk to or be friends because of my insecurity due to everything else became huge parts of my life. For once I felt genuinely included and not just someone to be used by others. We came up with fun plots, character connections, etc. At this point I had both them and friends in high school. I had a place I felt I belonged. I still do. I love them so much. They’re basically family to me.

Anyways, as I got older, it became apparent there was this rift in the rp group. People being purposely excluded because they weren’t seen as ‘good’ rpers, or just because someone who wasn’t ever really active in the rp group didn’t like the other. AKA Roman hating kyle which resulted in him being excluded despite his attempts time and time again to include others lol. Obviously over the years, there wasn’t much left for me in that group outside of my friends. It was barely active anymore and outside of it interactions had become toxic. So it was understandable when Kyle and Meg decided to leave. Funny how once that happened, they only then decided to have an ‘open forum’, with everyone who was normally quiet coming out of the woodworks to bash my friends when they were no longer there.

Some of us called them out after that and left. Though not before we found out that they’d (gansey and their inner circle) been developing another rp setting called FAR (presumably the setting they attempted when they told everyone they were gonna have a 100 time-skip to shake things up, which ended up not happening bc a lot of the group was like wtf) and also added someone to the discord server that most of us didn’t know. This person had been there for months and Gansey never told us despite them being their friend. This was very upsetting because at that point all of in this group had been together for 8 years. We shared personal stuff in that discord server. Things that I’m sure we wouldn’t want strangers seeing. So yeah, a lot of us were upset!

Then Gansey and their friends dogpiled kyle for understandably being mad about being excluded and alienated. Then they dared to have the gall to message me saying they were terrible and sorry and that they’d always be there to listen if I wanted to talk.

So I talked. And what happened after that? Nada. Nothing. They never replied. They weren’t willing to face the hypocrisy of what they’d done.

In the end they had just been another manipulative adult that had only used me when they needed to. That tried to have our characters be sexual when I was just a teen.

All of you were adults. You should have known better. I admired you guys only to have that admiration used to control me. Fuck all of you. Fuck you for the way you treated my friends. Fuck you for having contributed to my trauma on top of everything else I’d experienced. Fuck you, gansey, for your manipulative ‘apology’. Fuck you for your dumb fucking poetry you thought we’d never see, comparing us to corpses and you to sisyphus.

Boo Fucking Hoo.

You were never really sorry at all. None of you were. You’re were just ashamed you got caught on all your bullshit.

I was boo boo the fool for thinking I actually meant anything to you guys.

#csa tw #rape tw #noncon tw #dubcon tw #manipulation tw #this ended up being all over the place I'm sorry #Don't even know if this is even coherent #they're all real #i'm not even gonna fuckin use the other walrus tag fuck you

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sorcierarchy · 5 years

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Really sick and tired of people who act like those of us dealing with mental illnesses can’t advocate for ourselves or have opinions that matter about our own health or experiences. People are so uneducated about mental illness that they seem to think that the second you sit down in a doctor’s office, you won’t have anymore symptoms and everything is just peachy from that point forward.

Even if you are on medication, symptoms still continue. It’s not only wrong, but downright harmful to set the expectation that mental illness stops the moment you get a prescription.

I have been diagnosed with BPD for going on 12 years now. I’ve been on medications for only half of that, because guess what? Medication doesn’t always work, especially not alone. I didn’t have the option for a regular follow-up with a psychologist, and even if I had that kind of thing takes MONTHS if not years of work.

Out of the 6 years I’ve been on medication for, I’ve only just in the past year found one that actually works well for me and doesn’t give me terrible side-effects, and that’s only treating the depression and anxiety symptoms. The medication I’m on didn’t even exist when I first was diagnosed, and since it’s not covered by the health plan here its price would be prohibitively expensive if my doctor hadn’t managed to get me on a government program to fund it (otherwise it’s $300/month, which I can’t afford). It’s the fifth med I’ve tried, and it takes time on each medication to figure out if it’s even working and sometimes side-effects don’t show up until months later and then you have to start from scratch. The gov-program I’m on now only lasts a year, and when I asked my doc what my options are after the year is up she said “we just have to hope it’s covered by then”.

That’s not even talking about psychotic symptoms. Anyone who has been on anti-psychotics can tell you that it can be absolute fucking hell. They completely ruined any quality of life I had to the point I decided I would rather deal with the symptoms than deal with the medications, not to mention that they were once again prohibitively expensive and the only reason I was able to be on them for as long as I was was because my doctor was stocking me up on free samples.

Some people are really lucky and do really well on meds, take to them right away and have little to no side-effects and are able to use the cheapest drug on the market. My mom took to the first antidepressant she tried, had zero side-effects, and it’s covered by the provincial health plan so all she pays is the monthly out of pocket which is very affordable for her as someone with a full time job, but even her situation isn’t perfect. You don’t go from depressed to cured, you still have to learn to deal with the ups and downs and emotional regulation and all kinds of things that you have just never been equipped to deal with.

And that’s just for the people who have a diagnosis. I’m extremely lucky to be in Canada and that I was able to even get crisis mental health care when I needed it, as inadequate as it was, it did save my life. If I had been living in the US at the time, I’d be dead. It’s that simple. I absolutely would not have been able to go to a hospital or have ongoing treatment for any amount of time. YES see a professional when and if you can, that’s super fucking important, but just because that’s the first and most important step doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have a backup plan for when people DON’T HAVE THAT OPTION.

People experiencing the symptoms of mental illness, diagnosed or not, NEED to have accessibility to tools so they can have something to work with. We NEED to have a plan and some kind of hint at what to do in crisis situations. We NEED to advocate for ourselves, and we NEED to have backup plans for when ideal treatment routes aren’t available. I’m not the first person to say this. There are groups everywhere of people dealing with exactly these types of situations that are advocating for information to be more readily available, but we need to be taken seriously and not told that we’re best to just “see a professional” whenever we try to speak. It’s extremely fucked up and ableist that our voices are immediately dismissed the moment it comes to speaking up about our own mental health and our own experiences, every time we try to help each other out by posting information that may benefit our peers. Stop going around to people you don’t know on a topics that don’t effect you just to shut them down with your bullshit opinion. Having a MH or knowing someone with a MH does not give you the experience to speak over people discussing a specific symptom that you do not have.

#mental illness #rant #ableism #personal

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ninatastic · 5 years

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@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c:

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

#ask #jeezus

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diaryofaborderlinebitch · 6 years

Text

BPDemons

Some days are harder than others

for being stuck inside my head.

My mind goes round in circles

with all the things I've left unsaid.

I've got demons always with me,

they follow me around.

They've all got different names,

but all share common ground.

To creep, crawl, and cast shadows

of doubt, despair and dread.

And the whisper in my ear

with stories to fill my head.

Very few have met them,

they just think it's me;

doing more thing irrational

and spreading negativity.

I'll admit sometimes they take me

to places so dark and deep

I often can't get out,

so I lay myself down to sleep.

I fight so hard against them,

but they can be so strong.

I try to block out the voices,

but how can I know they're wrong?

Let me introduce you to one,

I'll tell you it's name.

I can even try to describe

a few of its twisted games.

This darkest one here is scary

to everyone, not just me.

They say things like “manipulator”,

“bad person”, and “instability”.

It's the biggest of my Disorders:

Borderline Personality.

My BPD has nine “criteria”;

but it can be hard to tell

if what you're seeing is me,

or the disorder being hell.

Efforts to avoid real or imagined

abandonment; symptom One.

I'll either be “all over you”

or messages will be NONE.

Patterns of intense, unstable

relationships; symptom Two.

I'm basically obsessed,

or I fucking hate you.

Distorted sense of self and

loss of identity; symptom Three.

I love myself, I hate myself,

I don't even know me...

Impulsive, self-destructive

behaviours; that's symptom Four.

Unsafe sex, spending sprees,

smoking marijuana, and more...

Suicidal thoughts and self-harming

behaviours; that's symptom Five.

When things get tough, I hit self-destruct;

my brain automatically wants to die.

Intense changeable moods, lasting

hours to days; symptom Six.

I can seem bipolar, sometimes my

mood “flips”, or sometimes it sticks.

Symptom seven is chronic feelings

of emptiness, similar to depression.

Feeling blah over things I once enjoyed,

or during times of mental “decompression”

Inappropriate, intense anger and

anger control issues, symptom eight.

It can be triggered by ordinary events,

I can't always control it, which I HATE.

This final one's a real doozy,

It's called Stress Related Dissociation.

Feelings of “unreality”, cut off from yourself;

a mind-body disconnection.

Basically that means that in

a really overwhelming situation,

I disconnect from my body,

and “drift away” as a salvation.

Those may be the nine key things

they look for to diagnose BPD;

but there are a few other things

“borerlines do” that you can see.

Like how we ten to think in extremes,

all good or bad, white or black.

Or how we feel emotions so deeply

and frequently, we lose track.

This last thing can be both

a horrible curse, or an awesome gift.

When I'm down, I'm so depressed...

But when I'm up, I'll give everyone a lift.

Now, that was a lot of technical shit,

and a little bit of explanation,

that was taken from the DSM-5

used in a psych. evaluation.

To relate a little more to

what I just laid out for you,

I'll tell you from inside myself,

the things that I go through.

I'm paranoid all the time

of being left by those I love.

Even when I'm reassured they won't,

I'm always worried I'll be disposed of.

Sometimes I'm super clingy,

always blowing up your phone.

But then other days I won't reply;

I'll totally leave you alone.

My interests, values and pasttimes

all frequently change...

I guess that's what happens when

the face in the mirror is strange.

I dye my hair when I'm trying to cope

with some super heavy shit.

I change my hair because changing

my look, comforts me a bit.

I can be set off in a fit of rage

by the simplest of things.

Sometimes I can't shake it off;

I lash out and act in ways that sting.

I can act impulsively and in some

pretty self-destructive ways.

I do shit I shouldn't do, shit that

can ruin my life, on my darkest days.

When things get so overwhelmingly tough

that I truly don't know how to cope,

my brain either turns to dissociation

or thoughts and feelings of no hope.

When I fuck up in my life,

I will beat myself up for days.

I'll think about what I should've

done differently, over and over on replay.

That's a lot of negative to take in.

Trust me, I should know.

BUT. I am so much MORE than

the negativity. More than the woe.

Remember when I said I feel emotions

so deep, it's both a curse and a gift?

That means I feel everything X1000

the bad, AND the good, catch my drift?

For me this means I love with my whole

heart, even though I struggle to trust completely

It means I'll give the benefit of the doubt

and can sometimes forgive fairly hastily.

Being “borderline” means a lot of things

I know some days I'm a royal fucking pain.

Being an unpredictable roller coaster

can be enough to drive anyone insane.

Feeling on top of the world one minute,

then angry enough to throw shit the next,

to suddenly so depressed you want to die;

that shit has some physical effects....

It can cause headaches, nausea, anxiety,

exhaustion, insomnia, the list goes on...

There's a reason the “mentally ill” try

to stay in bed morning to night, dusk to dawn.

It's so exhausting to have such a

deep feeling of every emotion.

Some days I'm better at managing,

others I guess I cause a commotion...

But my heart is so full of love to give,

and if you can get into my circle of Care

I'll likely smother you with so much attention

and affection, it'll become hard to bear.

I know this has been a bit of an odd take,

and I realize this poem may not be great.

But it's my way of coming to terms, as they say

and it's slowly been helping (I think) day by day.

#actually bpd #actuallyborderline #borderline personality disorder #my post #long post #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #poem

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smokingbrumby88 · 2 years

Text

Recently I have been triggered a lot, and by a lot, I mean multiple times a day, every day! My traumatic response is to bury my emotions and pretend things never happened. 99.9% of the time it works. I have forgotten most of the small details, I can recall that X Y and Z happened but not much else without it hurting or harming me, well, so I thought anyways.

Recently, I entered into my first relationship since the abusive relationship, and if I'm truly honest, it absolutely terrifies me! Now don't get me wrong, HE doesn't terrify me, the whole idea of being in a relationship does. I'm totally head over heels for him, he's a kind young man with a loving and caring soul, though he tries to hide it, he really is gentle and full of love and he means the world to me. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings or emotions but I do know that I look forward to seeing where this takes us. I could go on and on about him but right now I need to gather my thoughts and write down what I need to say to myself. The reasons I'm terrified of this relationship...

It's got nothing to do with the relationship itself and I know that, most of it is in my head, but that's trauma for you, but to make it even more complicated I also have Boredline Personality Disorder (BPD for short) as well as Complex PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. As of this month, it has been 3 years since I finally escaped the abuse and I haven't really been writing about it but I will get there, I must get there so that I can try and move on. I don't have any doubts that this relationship will be anything like that whatsoever, he's much too loving and kind to do anything like that. But my trauma response always says otherwise. Little things that he does or doesn't do, triggers my mind into fight or flight mode or it sets off an emotional Rollercoaster that floods me with memories that I thought I had buried and it haunts me.

It's difficult at times to separate fact from fiction when it's all I know. I just want to love and be loved and forget everything from the past, but every day, multiple times a day, I'm hurting and I don't know how to get through it but one step at a time. I want to let him in, but at the same time, I don't want to burden him or scare him off. It got so bad the other day, I picked up a tool that once was my only outlet and I used it 😔 not for the same reason I use to but because I needed to come back to reality and it worked, but I hurt myself by doing it because I broke a promise to myself and my babies and I'm disgusted and disappointed in myself.

Anyways, I'm scared my past is going to ruin my future aka, this relationship. Thankfully he doesn't see the day to day struggle I go through, I try to shield him from it and pretend that life is peachy as often as possible. The triggered events consume my mind and I can't continue or be free. And you know what, it doesn't even have to be him that causes the triggering, anyone or anything can, but more or less its him just because he is my boyfriend. But it's not his fault, he did absolutely nothing wrong, it's simply my trauma mixed with my mental illness. If it's anyone's fault it's mine, why? Because I wasn't strong enough to get put of that abusive relationship. It's my fault because I shouldn't have allowed myself to be put through such a thing, and it's my fault for allowing my ex to treat me the way he did. I want nothing more than for this relationship to be the one! I'm scared as hell, I'm triggered a lot, and I probably am more invested than him, at least for now, but I know what I want and it's for this to work and prove that I am loveable, and that all the shit I went through in the past is simply that, the past. And slowly but surely, I'm hoping I'll get there and I'm hoping I'll believe that I am loveable and that I am loved and I'm hoping like fuck, that this is the relationship that will work out, I don't think I can do it again. To my wonderful man, I love you more than you will ever know. You will never get to see this but I know it's here.

That's enough for tonight, I need some sleep...

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mikecardenmpreg · 6 years

Text

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on.

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism)

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want.

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

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staticdecay-blog · 7 years

Text

Post 5 - Abandonment Issues

I have been asked before of why I am infatuated with, and enjoy being in abandoned buildings. I can speak at length of the parallels between those spaces and my own self and my emotional space, about the comfort I find in the affinity with them. They stand in their neighborhoods, overlooked or hated by most, neglected, becoming ruins and testaments to the nature of decay......but for the few that take the risk to their health, their freedom, and rise to the fears of being labelled a weirdo or outcast...they find a beauty there, they find story after story after story told on and in the walls, in the furniture left behind, in the documents, pictures, and relics that are scattered among the floors.

To find the history of a building, and how it became abandoned is usually a not overly complicated affair. Sometimes it can be found simply by looking at it, such as when a fire claims it and leaves a large chunk collapsing and charred. Other times it is not so obvious but usually boils down to economic failures in general. The actual details can be so completely varied...some are failed business ventures, some suffer from gentrification, some have slumlords, some have histories of drugs......they are like us in so many ways...a thousand faces a thousand stories...there will be similar circumstances among many of us but rarely the exact same.

I have been asked not nearly as much, how I came to have abandonment issues. For years I thought on this...I would trace scar after scar that is etched in my flesh and ruminate on it. The first answer was "because I am BPD." This is, however, a very common and dangerous answer/dynamic because it shuts down really finding out WHY?

Then I began to think back over my life. I thought of the numerous people in my teens and adult years who said they would "be there" and then cut out as soon as things got remotely tough, or even remotely not tough. Girlfriends...friends....mentors......it was a pattern that I saw and experienced in my life but even those instances...those were not the causes, those were symptoms.

Just as the obvious answers of why those buildings are empty and falling apart can be found but lack the details...so too can it be pretty easy to see the pattern of my own abandonment issues. However, the details may require some digging beyond the daily newspaper archives or beyond the archives etched in my skin.......

The year is something I cannot recall beyond a rough guess, but based on certain things such as the vehicle we drove and the fact we often went to the playground, I would guess it was between 1990 and 1992. I know for certain it was before the years of hell I would face in Fredonia middle and high school. It happened in early summer and I would have been between 9 and 11 years old.

The playground at Fredonia Central School was a sprawling fortress back in those days. It would later be torn down as a safety hazard but in its time it was called the creative playground. It was entirely made of wood with everything interconnecting. A lot of hidden passages, bridges, towers that would give way to tire tunnels, various monkey bars, slides, poles, and no shortage of things to climb, jump on or off from, run across, and potentially break your neck on.

Remember all those old NES games? It was extremely easy to take yourself to those scenarios on this playground. It was NOT a playground it was a haunted castle, or a fortress held by the evil ninjas or soldiers. There is a reason it was called the creative playground...because it was ripe to create various fantasies to act out in our solitude when we were not star athletes or cool kids.

It was also an extremely good spot to play hide and seek or capture the flag if you had friends or random playmates that happened to be at the playground at the same time.

My father had gotten home from work and after dinner he somehow found the energy after 8 or more hours of grinding steel in a sweltering mill to take me to the playground. The sun was just beginning to set as we were pulling up to the playground. This meant we would get about 45 minutes or so.

The frogs could be heard from the small forest patch that contained a little pond, and the sounds of the night started to fall as I opened up to the playground. It did not take long to ask my dad to play hide and seek with me. There were no other people at the playground that evening, and my father was a good father, despite the fatigue he surely felt he would stand up and he would do something I find myself incapable of as an adult...he could get very in to this childs life and escape the real world with him.

I hid first.

I thought I was clever and I found myself a spot in some hidden crevice. As I would also do as an adult, I would overlook some very obvious setbacks in the plan and soon after I would be crushed to find I was not nearly as clever as I thought.

I do not know how my father found me but he was good at finding things. He grew up in the country and was decent at tracking and noticing things. He probably saw my footprints or made himself invisible and would stealthily wait for me to move a bit and he would see it and then slowly move in to tag me.

Sometimes I would get frustrated with it and the fact that he never let me win. As good a man as my father was, and as good a father as he was, he still had some short comings, as we all do or will. One thing he did not always see was when enough was enough. There was a time we were playing HORSE in our backyard, and every time I would shoot the ball, he would say in an announcers voice "Barkey shoots...and he puts up a brick" and I would get sooooo mad. In that incident I ended up in tears and crying to my mother....

The sun was falling further towards the horizon and the temperature was cooling with it, and I had to find my dad as I was "it" now. I had reached the mandatory count which was probably 50, but I can't recall for certain.

I started up high near the big wizard tower structure. I felt I could see the most ground from there. After climbing up the tower and coming out I crossed the bridge and kept my eyes out both below me, and to the left where the rest of the playground was after crossing a balance beam. There was no sign of my father.

After the bridge I started looking in the hidden areas below the bridge before going to the area that connected to the hard, one board balance beam that I could not get across without stepping off a couple of times. This area had more hidden areas within it and I started clearing them. Numerous people had been there, as was evidenced by the simple and young graffiti displaying things like "Jenny <3's Tim" or a statement of dislike against one teacher or another.

None of the people that had been there though were not there now, nor was my father.

Temperature drop. Losing light. I clear the playground with no sight of my father. Panic rising.

My mind went to the place it went every time my parents would leave: "what if they dont come back?" If they ran late I would become very panicked inside of myself and think they were dead or that something happened to them. They always came back though.

My mind was racing because I could not find my father. It was racing faster than the speed of horizon swallowing the sun, faster and louder than the frogs who were screaming at me.

I combed through the wooden corridors, towers, bridges and nooks looking for him again.

I came to sit at the foot of the widest slide in the playground. I watched the sun disappear over Lake Erie in the distance, creating intense shadow figures of nearby trees and houses. I was crying hysterically at this point with full rivers being developed from what were first gently moving streams down my cheeks.

I was left alone. It happened.

Through misted, glassy, blurred eyes I made my way back to the van. I opened the passenger door and climbed in to the seat. I was hoping that my dad was in the van but that was dispelled as soon as that door opened.

My head slumped down, staring at my feet...this is a position I would come to know well a few years later for numerous reasons. I would occasionally find the hope and will to look out the window to see if my dad had magically reappeared. He didn't.

The sun was all but gone but my tears certainly were not. My breathe was dwindling from the sobs and crying. No hope was felt so I aimlessly looked back at the window.

A shadowy figure moved and I realized it was not a backlit tree. This figure moved closer and closer until it could be recognized as my father..........

Parents have the best of intentions a lot of times. Mine certainly did. My father never considered the consequences of not "letting me win." He, nor I could have ever predicted that twenty years later I would sit within the walls of, or on the roof of some decrepit abandoned building self portrait, watching that same sun disappear, taking the light with it....and contemplating HOW I came to relate more with that spot than any person I have ever met.

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deiima · 7 years

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I really just want to write things out. Millie told me it could be very helpful, especially when I told her that I try to write down things instead of taking out my frustration and anger on myself and slashing myself (not that it work before yesterday)

I have been more upset lately, especially since my session on Monday. I think it was because I said things and admitted things out loud that brought some truth to light. It is different when you think something in your head and then say it out loud and there is someone there to help you navigate through things.

What is really bugging me about my possible BPD is that, I now know the reason behind my behavior and I don’t know how to feel about it. There is a sense of relief knowing that I am not the only one struggling through this and that there are people out there who are also going through the same thing and that some have even managed to recover. But what hurts about this is that I only found out now and I wish I found out a year ago because so many things I have done, I question now. “Did I want to do that or was it because of my BPD?”

I mean, so many things make sense now. The way I am always scared of people leaving me, and me doing stupid things to push them away because I don’t want them to hurt me first. My emotional rollercoaster that I can’t seem to get a grip on. The tear fest that come out of no where. Me asking people to tell me the truth because I genuinely want to know, and when its a small criticism of myself, I break down or rage. My anger lashing out at those I love the most.

and my self image and insecurities because everything just adds up to me thinking I am the worst creature that has ever walked this planet. And my wild driving lately. And knowing that I am self destructive and I hurt myself and I don’t stop cant stop. And that I don’t talk to anyone thinking no one would ever understand. I just don’t understand why I turned out this way. Why couldn’t I be normal? Why am I so messed up in the head?

I’m doing it again aren’t I ? the self loathing that doesn’t seem to end.

And most importantly, Amer. God. I don’t even know where to begin. I know I love him and it fucking hurts to know that I ruined the best thing that happened to me because I didn't get help earlier. I mean, if I knew this, I really think things would have turned out differently. And maybe it isn't healthy to think of the what ifs and could haves but, I can't help it. I mean, I pushed him away and my mind was yelling at me to stop but I didn't and I said all the things that would stop someone from loving you and did all the things I could think of to hurt him and now ...

If I knew that there was a way for me to fight my demons, for me to understand that not everything in my head is right, I would have fought my thoughts harder. I would have talked to him more, explained myself more. But I didn't. Instead I let my fear of losing him push him away.

And even though he said he still has feelings towards me, that was a month ago. And I lashed out emotionally and he pulled himself away and when I wanted to talk, I couldn't and I didn’t know what to say and how to explain why I did what I did because I didn't know myself and everything just feels like a bottomless hell. And there was always this fear that he doesn't feel the same way anymore, but then I try to be hopeful and think that not everyone is like me and that their emotions are more stable and that they don’t just feel something else for someone. But then a lot can happen in a month. And I saw his tweets about how love was the most destructive thing for him and how it is time to let go. And fuck did that hurt because apparently my head was once actually right and he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and it hurts so much it feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest even though there were signs. I mean, I can always ask right? but do I really want to know ? I would hope that he would tell me but not everything that makes sense to one person would to the other. and yesterday was nice and the same time it wasn’t because all these thoughts are in my head and I see how he’s interacting with others and he's happy and I feel like I am not part of him life anymore, and that maybe he likes someone else now - maybe even someone who was there, and I don’t know how to react. I mean, do I even have the right to? I said I don’t want to hold on to hope for something that might never happen (and he asked the same before, and I said no when I should have said yes) and now that the tables have turned, I don’t know what to do. Hope really is the most destructive thing ever. I want to hope that maybe someday things will work out. But I don’t want to be selfish, especially if he said he wants to move on.

I don’t know what I would do to be honest. I have never felt this way before. I don’t care if I lose my other friends. I mean, I do but I know it wouldn’t destroy me the way if I lose Amer.

I hate that I feel things in extremes, whether sadness or happiness. I hate that I can’t justify my feelings sometimes. I hate that I overanalyze things. I hate everything in my head. It’s so hard to deal with, and I wish I had someone to share this with because I know that maybe, if they knew, and didn’t mind having to deal with me, I would feel a whole lot better. And I can’t sleep nowadays, and so many things that I liked doing feel useless now. And I don’t want to deal with guilt and regret after sharing my feelings. And I am sick of isolating myself and then feelings lonely and knowing that I am the cause but not being able to do anything about it even though I really want to. I hate that small things trigger me.

At times I want to just sit everyone I know now and show them all the things I found about BPD and explain why I sometimes I behave the way I do but I also want to take responsibility for my action because I can’t just expect people to understand. I wish they did though. I am so scared that won’t. I would even just give them a link to something as simple as a buzzed article that explains it a simple way and hope they would understands. But that is too selfish of me. So selfish and wrong and I can’t. I just can’t.

#personal #mental illness #mental health #bpd

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alllthingsme · 7 years

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A note you'll probably never read.

I haven't posted on here in a while. Mainly because of so many changes happening with moving to nyc and starting grad school. But sometimes on nights like these, it feels nice to write out what I'm feeling. To certain people even. Knowing they will probably never read it but atleast knowing its out there should they one day stumble upon it...

It's been almost a year now since my ex left me. And it was a really rough breakup for me. Already dealing with and trying to find the best treatment for my anxiety and depression, I put a lot of strain on my ex that he didn't deserve. I'm not going to pretend he didn't have his faults in the relationship because he certainly did and I'm sure he would still agree to that. But even after the breakup I just fell apart. I lost control and had a total breakdown. I harassed him. Texted and called him incessantly because I was terrified of being abandoned.... Again. I know now had I just given him the time and respected the distance he needed, the outcome may have very well been different. But you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. And now there's nothing I can do to change the person I ruined. And though that person was myself I'm a lot of ways, the person I really destroyed was my ex. I, being the damaged and broken (still am, but you know shatter a plate a few times and you'll never put it all back together) person that I was (am) I brought down another human being. Someone I love and care immensely about. Someone who literally and I mean LITERALLY put their entire life on hold for me. And I am so ashamed of myself for everything that I did.

This past year I've been through a lot. And had to admit things and discover things about myself that I'm really not proud of. I fell into a major depressive episode. I had panic attacks daily. I wasn't eating. I didn't sleep for 8 nights straight. I missed several days of work.Had panic attacks at work and had to be relieved so that I could go home. I was literally on a very dangerous and terrifying path to a mental breakdown. One I ultimately ended up having the night I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully my roommate came home and found me, but I hardly remember that now. It took months to recover and I still haven't. (Clearly I'm writing in my blog at 3 in the morning almost a year after he dumped my sorry ass) I ended up seeing a counselor for a while before I moved and discovered a lot about my mental health. More precisely my diagnosis. I also had several visits to my primary care physician to trial and error about 6 different psychiatric drugs before finding the combination and cocktail if you will that has worked most effectively. (The one I'm on now... One mood stabilizer, one antidepressant, and one sedative later and here we are--- all better right?) that in itself was truly draining and exhausting. Switching and weaning off one med and on to another. Going from one side effect to others. I have never felt so emotionally drained as I did when I was trying to find the right medicine.

However, more importantly I began to really understand why I was feeling and acting and behaving the way that I was. I later came to find out that along with my anxiety and depression I have a borderline personality disorder. Which didn't surprise me because it's hereditary and my grandmother had it as well. Including the others. But with it I finally found the answer to the irrational and terrifying behaviors I hardly remember or have an recollection of doing. On the night I attempted suicide, I got off work and drove (hysterically crying and having a panic attack) to my exes house calling him on the way and begging him to talk to me and see me. And to this day I don't remember driving there or back. I don't remember getting home. I don't remember doing any of it. I remember parts of it as if I were watching someone else do it. But not as myself. I remember feeling like I was watching myself open the bottle of trazadone and throwing back a few thousand milligrams. I remember it as if I were watching a movie. a bystander screaming at me to stop. Like I had lost all control of my own body. I guess I heard myself screaming though because that's when I immediately stuck my finger down my throat to try and throw up every pill I had swallowed. I began to vomit and dropped the rest of the bottle in the toilet before passing out from hypervenalting in the bathroom floor.

To this day it remains one of the most hauntingly terrifying moments of my entire life and I don't even remember it as if it happened to me. I remember it as if I were watching it happen to someone else. Which I would later understand to be symptom of a dissociative personality disorder. Also a symptom of BPD which now all makes sense. Dissociation occurs when your mind separates itself from your physical being and detaches from reality. It's a coping mechanism used by people who undergo serious trauma in life. As a way to protect themselves by detaching from the moment and seeing the events unfold from a third person perspective so as to not be the direct victim. Given my childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse... I guess that now all makes sense. It's something I later realized I experienced during my severe panic attacks. A loss of control. Impulsive and obsessive behavior free to inhabit my body while I was temporarily "out for lunch- be back when the trauma is over".

It's truly terrifying to experience and also quite shameful. It has caused a lot of havoc in my life and made me realize how much I am to blame for so many fights and arguments. And breakups. Abandonments. Which brings me to the real point of this post- acknowledging the role I played in tearing apart the relationship I lay here at 3:30 in the morning crying over despite the fact that it ended a year ago.

I was controlling. Manipulative and just all around a really shitty boyfriend. I have/had deep rooted insecurities that constantly made me feel as if I wasn't good enough or that I was going to be left or abandoned again (guess I was right). I constantly feared he would find someone better or realize that he already had it with his best friend and didn't need me anymore.

Because of that, I ruined everything. I ruined me. Us. And him... Him. I did that. This man put his life on hold for me. Put off his dream of moving to New York so that he could stay behind and be with me. Take care of me and start a relationship with me. He did all of that for me and I was too fucking blind to see it. Though I wanted to support and push him to move he wouldn't. He stayed for me and then when everything fell apart, I left. He slipped up and made stupid decisions to which he is now suffering from... He lost his security. His apartment in Manhattan. He lost his way and it was and is... All my fault. And I am so torn up about it because everyday I just want to drive down, throw his shit in the car and drive him up here where he belongs and I can't. There's nothing I can do now. He won't talk to me. He won't answer me. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me to the point that I can't even reach out to him without the fear of being charged with harassment. I failed him. And us and I dropped all the pieces of our relationship into his lap and expected him to fix it all without ever taking 2 seconds to think about him and what he needed.

He later confessed that he never felt like he could share anything with me because I always changed the subject to myself. I used to hate that he wouldn't open up to me because it made me feel like he didn't care enough to. I could feel him drifting apart in the final months. He got less intimate. He stopped caring as much. He wouldn't hold me in bed. He wouldn't kiss me as long or hug me as hard. I slowly felt him slipping through the cracks of my fingers like sand, without ever once trying to tighten my grip and take initiative to turn things around. Instead, I made them worse. And continued doing so after he left.

Now. I'm in grad school. I'm in way over my head with a double masters program at a prestigious world renowned university that I am terrified I'll fail out of. Living in a city I love without the one who made me fall in love with it. 500 miles away from a man I haven't seen in months but still find myself crying over at 3:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. And on top of that, he is stuck in the shit hole town I handcuffed him to and feeling like a complete failure because of my Bullshit.

I posted something a while back out of anger. That I never should have said. Let alone post. I called him out. On everything. The mistakes he'd made. The mistakes I had made but had blamed on him. I called him names I never meant. And worst of all. I called him a failure for not moving away and making it to the city. A dream he's had for years. A dream he put on hold, to be there and support me while I chased after mine. And I called him a failure for that.... Yeah. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't blame him. And while he didn't know it at the time, I posted it to my blog but not publicly. It was a private post I had written just to vent. Which was suppose to be the extent of it until I spiraled into a rage of anger and sadness that led to me sending him the post directly via email. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I wanted to hurt him that way. Because he didn't and never deserved it.

He doesn't know it but every now and then I lose what little self control I've developed and scroll through his tumblr. Often times just to see how his mood is that day and if he seems to be okay. Because I worry about him so much. Even still today. Sometimes there will be a post with a hash tag or comment that I almost guarantee Is about me. Sometimes I wonder if he knows I do it and post certain things on purpose. Who knows?

I guess part of me secretly hopes he does the same. And that one day he'll stumble across this post and read it and see the apology I so badly want to give him in person. An apology for so many things that I'd never deserve forgiveness for but would love the opportunity to atleast tell him. For the way that I acted both during. And after our relationship. The way I handled it. The breakup. The way I failed to respect him afterwards and give him space and time. The way I didn't listen. The way I selfishly did what I wanted with out ever thinking about how it would affect him or what he specifically wanted. I've since tried to do those things. I've accepted and acknowledged the fact that I'll probably never hear or see from him again. And never get the chance to say I'm sorry the way he deserves. Not that any amount of apology can make up for the turmoil and emotional damage I have caused. And not that I even deserve the chance to apologize. But maybe one day? Right. Probably not but I can't help but hang on to a little part of me that hopes I'm wrong.

Tyler, If you ever read this I want you to know that I am sorry. Truly and gunienly sorry for everything. I had something extraordinary right in front of me and I took it for granted. I lost site of what I had and I let it get away from me. I was emotionally abusive and will never forgive myself for the pain that I caused. I want you to know that I blame myself every day for the fact that you aren't where you wanted to be In life right now. Had it not been for me, I know you'd be in New York right now. Probably with some man who would have made you twice as happy as I ever could have and chasing your dream and your career. I know it doesn't do any good to say these things now but I want you to know that I am sorry I derailed your train.

But I know you enough to know that despite your fears, your hesitations, you'll find a way. You will make it out of Radford. You will move To new York. You'll slowly but surely work your way towards every dream you've ever had. You'll meet some great guy along the way and he will be truly blessed to have you. I just hope he knows that and doesn't make the same mistakes that I did. I hope the road gets easier for you. I hope you start to realize the beauty and worth in yourself that so many other people do. Because you deserve it more than anyone. You are more than meets the surface and although our journey together didn't last, I'm so glad that I met you and that you took me on it. Meeting you was one of the best things to ever happen to me and is a big part of why I am where I am today. And I'll never be able to thank you or give that back to you like you deserve. But for now I'll continue to think of you every time I pass a "2 bros pizza". When I'm sitting at the bar and look out the window. I'll remember shivering in front of you when you took me outside and told me you loved me for the first time. When I go to boxers, I'll remember you taking me there. Everytime I past Amsterdam, I'll think of you. When I get off the Turnpike and see the toll lane for "ticket" customers, I'll remember how you accidentally drove into a booth that was closed and had no one to hand your ticket to. I'll remember all of those things as I live here to constantly remind myself that you are what drove me to chase my dreams here. And the Hopeless romantic in me will always hope that one day, after you've moved up here, we will run into each other on the subway or downtown somewhere and we can try to work through our past. The Hopeless Romantic in me hopes we can one day work through it all and rebuild a life together because nothing would make me happier than the chance to give you back what you deserve.

I know realistically that will probably never happen but for you it will with someone else and they will be truly blessed and lucky to have you. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you. I know you don't want to hear from me so I'll continue to keep my distance but just know that even still today...

I love you.

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