pinkadork
forgotten evil
colorfully dead inside.
i don't talk right but boy do i talk
|24|They/Them|Bpd ass nigg|
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I do feel betrayed alot about it ig
Like
It was just so easy for it to happen and then be brushed off like it was a matter of time or something of the sort.
I didn’t say anything then because its personal and on me but i did go on the deep end after
I sat back in certain vices, i gave up on my day to day, nothing motivated me to wanna do anything
And then it just clicked: The only thing that both distracts me and gives me some small iota of purpose has been actively working, gig hopping, just something to stay busy until i die, because the hope of getting better isnt there, the hope of an us isnt there, the idea of me making it past a certain and having done anything is really not there anymore.
I hate how horrible i think of it all honestly.
Like i just feel so pissed off and possessive, lied too, and for what? This your fucking get back? Jfc its like you both did and didnt think about me and then made it to where this was supposed to hurt, this was supposed to be the great detacher and it didnt work, im still here.
Every accusation, flipflop, heated argument,all out brawl, tug of war ass situation, im still here
So i get how being present was you fighting for us through bad shit even if its too late.
I didn’t think id be going out so sad but i cant put up with the reality of all this anymore, instead fading away slowly one day i just will cease to exist
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if we ignore all the stuff that's gone wrong ive kind of had nothing but wins
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Golden rule of Invader Zim character design: no one who’s anyone is allowed to have a laugh that is anything short of iconic
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I always loved this specific expression of his for no particular reason it’s just so effing funny
It’s the most little cartoon guy face. Everything and nothing is going on in that head at the same time.
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I am a detriment to myself and others and the world would be better without me innit
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So i should explain the different textpost because i dont know how to act
White text is like in the moment shit
Pink text is solidified
might make a color for shit i dont really agree with anymore but wont delete but also feel like thats the same as white text being in the moment shit
I talk alot and need to let shit out sorry if i am an ass i am trying but it is harder than id like to admit
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Im fine
Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up
Im a fuck up
I cant stay a job apparently
I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did
I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to
Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time
I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.
How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available
How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.
Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft
Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just
I feel set up
Like genuinely not just the relationship shit
And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired
I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass
And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.
Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them
Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.
But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi
Its like
You can do evil
They can do evil
And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and
Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi
Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times
And everytime it was some bs
I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives
Yeah we are arguing
Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah
Fuck im so high man
Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine
Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.
Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like
Like that?
Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends
Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys
I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them
Make them
The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is
Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN
You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore
I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada
Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn
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I’ll never love again
I’ll never trust anyone again
I’ll never let anyone in again
God dammit im so over being fine and then all of sudden im back in the shits, im back feeling like what was the fucking point of anything. Having to see that things didnt mean nearly as much as i thought they did which is shocking to no one but me again.
The only reason i havent killed myself is because if you’ll treat me like this living, god knows what tf youd say about me dead
Fuck all this shit man, i dont care how anyone else feels anymore, yall niggas aren’t empathetic, empathetic niggas dont move like this and then act like they in the right
My stomach is fucking turning
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Fuck everyone involved honestly
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(Repost from 2022)
HUGE collection of all the zim shitposts and drawovers ive done, real proud of getting a hang of the artstyle from the movie and show!
(Last pic was actually a commission lmao that one was fun)
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One day words will stop being exchanged and knowing you're more likely to be relieved than devastated or even a bit bummed is sending me
Like okay
Pause for a minute
Lets be real my tumblr page is like my public diary or whatever and like
Idk i look at shit and its sad how much through the entirety of this shit therapy or not ive been trying to see more than my side and be able to see my faults for what they are while also doing something about it but i swear im either villaianized or pacified by you in any given moment and then its like im both a dumb ass for wanting you so badly was and i feel like my feelings get overshadowed bc the bpd and oooh i take meds now, and you still treat me like like an abuser and thats what you tell people. And i just wanna stop feeling like I'll never be able to enjoy anything fr ever again. Even at my best i still have you on my brain when it feels like you're doing everything to erase me and then make me feel like thats the right response. I fucking hate this shit so much its like i sit here and I'm fine and then i keep fucking setting myself off with how upset this makes me. Like nigga i live in my aunt basement, i work in a fucking factory, im a fucking temp worker nigga , and yet and still my stupid ass is worried about who? Trying to figure out how to get right for who? Pathetic as shit.
I know you wouldn't do the same bc you didnt.
I'm so frustrated. it's unbelievable. I keep wrapping my head around how bs this all is, or how i swallowed how angry certain shit has had me.
Again nigga its been months and i know for a fact the same shit is being peddled.
You doing your thing is whatever but doing so and then trying to undermine the fact that itd hurt me (which you later admitted to trying to do anyway) nigga fucked someone then was like "i mean we broke up like 6 months ago so i did good right lol" fucking first of all at 6 months vs 5 years make it make sense, second of all it let me realize that the second time we tried when shit felt "so right" mesnt nothing to this nigga it was a good two months which for me made the breakup reset and st the time this happend made this like 4 months but as you can see by me writing this out who the fuck other than me cares about some weird shit like that. Regardless its like i have to be either high as hell or always working now more thsn ever to not walk into the very accessible highway.
I accepted that i ruined my life but holy fuck did you make it worse
I am forever sorry about how shit ended and every rude outburst ever spouted from my lips, any time i made you feel any negative way, but my brother in christ i didn't and dont deserve this shit and sometimes it really bothers me that i love you the way i do. You act scared of me like im obsessed but i feel like im going mad bc it was like you made me this way. From jump, the constant vc, the way youd make me feel insignificant or like i wasnt enough, and then have the nerve to try and make it a thing about my insecurities that yes i told you about but fuck.
I feel so dumb because i actually would wait until you're ready because i feel deep in my core that i fw you for life type shit. Its always gang shit whatever. I love you and want things to be okay regardless to how i feel .
Fuck im tired
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