#my biggest coping mechanism used to just be. loving myself and being proud of my work
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Dear, @purplekoop
GRRRR RAHH War Bots is consuming me! I keep finding myself thinking about the far off hypotheticals and all the little extraneous details:
What would box art look like? So far I can see Wilderoad and Calber staring at each other from the corners of the art. A random map from the game is the background. Other bots from the game are all rushing towards each other ready for a fight.
What kinds of PvP maps will there be? One idea I had is an abandoned amusement park based on a once-beloved-but-now-forsaken gaming company that is now being used for training.
Also I had the potential* headcanon that the PvP gameplay is the War Bots** training.
*(I say potential because i don't know if you already had that idea. I don't want to assume.)
**(Not to be annoying myself. But I know that War Bots is not the final name of the game nor the team. I just wanted to make that clear real quick. Sorry if this sounds rude. I genuinely don't know how to phrase this without sounding like an asshole.)
What will the trailer look like? I can see a rough draft. A little rendered animation of showing Wilderoad walking onto a PVP map. Chaos is everywhere. We then get quick clips of gameplay footage of characters using their abilities. The obligatory pop song playing in my head bounces between "Cut Off" by Set It Off and "Magic 8" also by Set It Off. (I listened to the album these songs were in recently while I had War Bots on the brain)
By the way, I see Wilderoad as the face of War Bots mainly because they were literally the introduction to it, and if I remembered correctly, they were also one of the first characters made. And if i'm remembering REALLY correctly, I believe you yourself said they were the face.
What will the cosmetics be like? This question really started when you mentioned the quickly scrapped penguin's moveset being given to Velenna. I instantly thought "Alright, Velenna should be given a penguin skin then." Then i realized that I don't recall you ever mentioning cosmetics. Would it be more TF2-esque with a loadout system? Or would it be more Overwatch 2-esque with a simple complete skin system? Speaking of Overwatch, I couldn't help but think of an "Ancient Heroes" skinline that gives our favorite bots a familiar look. Some mappings are rather cut and dry, while some really get you to think (Poppett in particular: Tracer? Lucio? D.va? Kiriko????). I also briefly imagined a "Coat" mechanic of sorts. Where you could merely change the color of the bots bodies. Like putting on a new coat of paint. (As you can see, I'm kinda using War Bots as a cope and a way to wean me off of Overwatch. Or at least attempting to.)
What would the community jokes and memes be like? What would be our nerf Genji? I can already see a meme about Necross, but I won't since I plan to make that one a reality eventually.
Bot Select? I want to see all the bots lined up in rows and columns.
Of course. What game would be complete without your favorite thing: figures! Not to make you drool, but imagine if a Wilderoad figure was right there on your desk. Or Formann? Or Poppett? Or Velenna? Or Navea? Or etc etc etc.
It's all so just- GRRRrrr OHHHhhh, so enticing, so magical, so beautiful. I'm proud to say that I'm on the ground floor of War Bots. I love being a part of this. I can't wait for what comes next.
Sincerely, G
PS: I have absolutely no idea when the rest of The Gardeners posts will be finished. I have solid ideas on all of them (minus one). I just haven't had the time to write them. This week I'm focusing on a big midterm and have the usual load of homework. I'm trying to get a lot done this week so Spring Break I can truly relax and write to my hearts content. Of course, the biggest roadblock to my writing is that I'm busy writing a script for my university's comedy skit program club. And that has a deadline of the week after Spring Break. So yeah. Sometime after that I suppose. I will let you know that the next Gardener I'll be going over is the one with blades.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings!
#originally this was going to be an ask but I had so much to say#war bots#koop's oc stuff#friend's oc#mutuals
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something that kinda sucks but is also a kind of strength happens after you pass 40: you realize some traumas and discomforts are going to take a long time to recover from, and that you have to get through that time - you have to live it.
Someone just died, you just got evicted from your family home, you just got divorced, you just got a diagnosis and it ain't good news.
Something that's been quietly occurring to me lately is the dread of the time, roughly five years from now, when 12% or so of the moral tyrants currently pretending to be "woke" or "progressive" will come out of their stupor. It's happened so many times in my life that the indices of it are BLARING LOUD. An emotional response to a "correction" that says "I know that's true and in five years I'll stop revenging myself on you, maybe, but fuck you for suggesting my bloodthirst for hypothetical strangers is anything other than a very healthful coping Mechanism"
this kind of interaction didn't used to be perceived at that level - I'm pretty sure, in this society, that it's a consequence of regular web use - an inevitable outcome of being observed too much of the time, at a level of the brain that wasn't evolved for ever being under scrutiny.
natural sorting explains a lot about why tumblr didn't die when it didn't, who's using it, and what's happening to them over time - it's not a moral issue at this level, it's just a neuro/biological one
I'll have to make a decision about it! sucks to be isolated but it sucks worse to be involuntarily converted into a right winger all het up about HBO's latest cop/military propaganda, or Disney's latest love letter to cosmopolitan assimilation …
having life-or-death passionate feelings about fanfiction was funny five years ago; five years hence a fraction of its biggest victim/perps will just begin to start assessing the damage they've been doing to themselves and others. Oof they will have to write about it. Others will respond with equal or greater emotion; schisms of moral value will form, arguments will resume. Reaction - that thing that makes "reactionary" a bad thing to be - will continue to pile dirt on fucking comprehension.
Comprehension is, in the mind of the moralist, equivalent to perpetration. Childlike obedience to an unexamined (often vague) code will be instinctively viewed as morally superior to any philosophy, any impulse to argue, any sign of dissent or disagreement.
Moral tyrants never stop hurting people, because they believe they're doing it for your own good, and instead of getting tired, they get obsessed.
People who are already behaving online as if their toddler-level morality is religious law will need rehab, social support, and a lot of forgiveness if they ever come out of it. Unscientifically I reckon 12% or less will, just based on personal experience. I won't be able to give it to them myself, it will have to come from people willing to be viciously and repeatedly attacked for having the temerity to disagree with their fledgling (straight up fucking christian nazi) ethics.
The reality on Earth requires banding together.
Vicious, small-minded, puritanical, and careless condemnation hasn't led to solidarity, safety, or capability.
The idea that crusading mobs of moralizing scolds "represent" the "future" is as dead as the idea that dems would form a barrier against fascism. "All the old people dying off" just leaves a gobsmacking number of proud violent fascists and bigots - who've convinced themselves they're "progressive" - and no one remaining who's skilled or experienced in any way at explaining why "ha ha making up a guy to get angry at" is dangerous behavior. Armageddon level shittiness.
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merry christmas shu!!! 🤶🎄🦌☃️⭐🎁🎅🛷🥛🍪🌰
I just wanted to write something a bit more meaningful since it's christmas and I guess it's an appropriate day to say all of these things hahajahs
well first things first I wanted to wish you and your loved ones a wonderful and happy christmas!! I hope you get to enjoy this day to the fullest, eat the most yummy food and make great memories for the years to come!! I also hope that whatever traditions you and your loved ones have on christmas fills your heart full of that warmth and coziness only the joy of them can bring 😊
now buckle up because the cheesy words have only begun 😅
I'll try to keep it simple but I wanted to thank you for just being you and for gracing us with your incredible and heart-touching stories
I know I've only been an anon for a month or so now but I've been following you and reading your works for longer than that. I won't go much into detail because this is supposed to be happy and light but I was going through some stuff a few years back that I couldn't even write like I used to as a hobby (and coping mechanism) or even read stuff anymore. I actually haven't been using tumblr for almost two years before downloading it again this year. and then I discovered your blog pretty early on after being back again over here. I was already much better at the time but I was still taking my time with everything, but when I began reading your works it helped me more than I could've imagined. I was laughing, and feeling genuinely scared the characters wouldn't end up together and many other stuff and all of that was bringing such an immense comfort to me I was even shocked myself and so much so it even inspired me to write again! I managed to finish sixteen stories this year, which is like my biggest record ever because I would only manage to actually complete two or three per year. and it's all thanks to your amazing and inspiring work!!
you're also the first person I've send an ask to in all of my years here. I'm used to only reading silently while the authors interact with their readers but you're always so funny and light and the more I saw your interactions with everyone else the more I wanted to at least send in one ask to say how much I love your stuff. and when I did, you have always been so kind to me I couldn't help but keep coming back! it helped me get just a tiny bit more communicative in my life and I can say I've been better a jokes too because I swear you and your anons are so funny I've been keeping notes hahajahsjak
I feel like I said too much but didn't say much at all aaaaahdjdj, but I just wanted to thank you for being this amazing person and keep sharing with us your wonderful stories because you might not know, but they help people a lot. they're very entertaining and comforting and you're very kind and funny too 😊
so thank you for existing shu <3
I don't want this to be overwhelmingly long and I'm in the middle of nowhere, the reception here is horrible I'm scared this might not even send in on time 😅
so once again merry christmas shu!!! I hope your day is very happy and you enjoy it to the fullest!!
bye bye shu <3
- 🥟
I kid you not im sorry for the late reply because i was having a sad time in christmas so i couldn’t express my gratefulness to your ask but im so happy and this actually made me cry so much like i was crying out loud im so happy that i was ur inspiration and all ive never been so proud and happy LIKE i know i may say so little but this means more than the words i could ever describe and im sorry if it seems like i don’t appreciate it much but i really do! Thank you my dumpling 🙁🙁🙁mwa mwa love you!!
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What is big/tiny? /genq
I’ve seen you post ab it and I don’t completely understand and I like to learn ab things/communities :3c
It's my life ;v;
If you're coming from my recent sys posts, you're probably wondering about gt. It's the basis of this Tumblr although we as a system have a complex relationship with it.
The following is written by Para, the biggest gt trash of us all and unofficial owner of the account. It's quite long...
G/T?
G/t stands for giant/tiny and describes content centred around interations between larger and smaller beings.
Think Gullivers Travels, Secret World of Arietty, Iron Giant etc. They can be human or non human. There are SFW and NSFW sides just like everything, and it ties into microphilia and macrophilia which are sexual kinks.
The scale of size difference ranges depending on a person's preference, but I prefer one similar to the movies I mentioned above. I do love me a minigiant though ;)
It's a shared interest, most of the people I spoke to have experienced a love for g/t since they were children, myself included.
Some people have a very close connection to the idea, and identify strongly with or as a giant, tiny, or even a shifter. Others just like it as a special interest.
It is very commonly used as a coping mechanism, with many people finding comfort in their preferred size or interacting with others either bigger/smaller (me included).
Lots of people have their own OCs, but there is fandom g/t content of youtubers, games like FNAF, anime and tv shows too. G/t comes in many genres (sci-fi, modern, romance, horror, fantasy) and moods (fluff, fearplay, "classic" cruel giants, monsterous giants, angst, borrowers).
(I've dabbled in BTS, platonic Septiplier, platonic Dan and Phil, and plenty of Attack on Titan 👀)
About Me:
I personally identify as a tiny and borrowerkin, to the point where I've experienced intense size dysphoria and euphoria. I'm around 3" tall but it fluctuates depending on my mood. Note: not everyone is this way.
I engage in g/t by creating art and writing centred around a personal OC universe.
🌌 My name is Seto, I'm a sysmate of Para's, and I'm a proud giant standing at 96 feet tall. I'm an OCtive or ouroboros of Seto Yamazaki, who you can read about on our sideblog. I don't talk here much, but I approve this message. Giants rule 😉.
Check out:
My G/tober for a whole host of different scenarios °v°
@blametheeditor (my best friend)
@setoandjewel (my personal side blog)
And two other amazing g/t artists:
@friendlyfoxpal
@territorial-utopia
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Bobby: August 28th 2022
(READ WITH CAUTION, MAY TRIGGER MANY BAD MEMORIES FOR SOME PEOPLE)
It's been a long weekend. The amount of touching me from the kids has gone down but I still jump every time they reach for my hand as if I fear they'll grab my wrist.
I am haunted constantly by the things I've had to go through and I can't even explain the seperation to our foster parents. They might think we're faking our disorder and we've begun slow progress on explaining some things and have even gotten to a point about different people fronting liking different things. Definitely a sysmed but we can tolerate it.
She also thinks that trans people and people with any kind of nuerodivergance are a result of the devil affecting us, but at least she doesn't think it can be cured just by following a god. In all actuality it's less that and more that we're coming to newer and newer discoveries. More and more knowledge on why people are the way they are. Oh and let's not forget.. TRAUMA.
They don't stop to think about how the things they do cause the trauma they have and it's often why we have issues functioning in this society. They refuse to believe they have any part to play in that trauma which is one of the biggest reasons why I hate pushing these poor kids away. They just want to show me things, they just need love, affection and attention but I can see so much already that their emotional needs are not being met and being brushed off as 'being dramatic' or her KNOWING they have abandonment issues and continuing to ignore them. And I can't stop remembering how we were treated here. Granted.. I do understand that three is overwhelming.
How do you manage that? Take care of that and manage to give two extremely clingy kids all the attention they need. The littlest one is at least independent enough, too young to really understand.
But damn that kid looks so proud of everything he does, good or bad. I want to be kind and gentle to them but even I'm getting fed up. They haven't been taught how to communicate with me or anyone or each other and that emotional neglect makes it so hard to get through to them. I wish I knew what to do. Those older two are going to grow up feeling like the only people they have is each other and I hate it. A thousand times hate it.
And I know she'll still never acknowledge us as we are. And I can never bring up our individual pasts. Her current foster kids are constantly hanging on me and the hugs have begun to get non consensual.
It's not like I want to push them away. They need love and affection but I'm just not that man right now. I've turned back to overworking myself and I don't have time for kids. I should see if I can't get Lucille to front more but they wear even her out.
And since she learned to set her own boundaries, I think she needs them, too. It wouldn't be fair of me to undo her healing by shoving her into the fray, even if she loves children. But really I think we all get overwhelmed with two of them constantly in our way and blocking our path. And sometimes all three want to crowd around. Lucille does not want more than one child of her own.
I don't like the memories that come back to me because of these unannounced touches. I keep imagining my father roughly grabbing me by the wrist and refusing to let go as he stared me down into submission. It was always a threat, a warning. Or even a way to say that he'd be certain to punish me whenever we got home.
The foster father also touched our back today. It was such a small and innocent thing. He was just trying to get me to move forward despite my path literally being blocked by children. I was closed in and I tensed up. I'm extra sensitive about my back and this lack of space to move around is constantly putting me on edge. Work is a break, work is a coping mechanism.
Anyway. Work tomorrow. I'll be working every day of the week except weekends and I know the foster parents do not want me hiding in the bedroom constantly. I said I'd take a few moments in the room and while she said okay.. I can't say I don't recognize that look. The look of uncertainty and disapproval. But perhaps there was some understanding as well.
I didn't stay long there. And now I can't sleep. I had maybe an hour or two. Ah.. an hour yes.
Anyway, I'll try resting again.
#day 105#open journal#obake speaks#osdd system#mixed origin system#tw; syscourse#tw; trauma mention#tw; emotional neglect#tw; cult mention#tw; religion#tw; sysmed#tw; a lot of things actually#I don't know if I can cover it all
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me being called FUNNY? BY YOU???!!! 😳😳 can the day get any better 😌😚 no but the real question is was i joking or actually flirting w you 😏🤭
ono :( I'm rlly sorry about the concert scene love :( are the postponed dates out yet?!
take hugs (╥﹏╥)
༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ
༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ
i hope you get to see them SOOOOON 🥺💕🤞🏻
albeit i have almost (¿) no chance in any near future to see any of my fav bands/artists kpop or not, i love seeing all you people's concert vids & pics 😭😭❤️
i have been pretty busy w etc etc so i have just been catching up on all the (my ult groups' XD) concert content here & thereee ( also lemme know who are your ult groups&solos hehe <3 I'll let u know in our next convo huhu !! )
my jagi 💘 writing texts as low-key a coping mechanism
🤝
me (& the rest of us ofc) reading it as a coping mechanism
AS WE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL???!!!!! 😎😎💕
i hope you are feeling better after coming on tumblr today
:( 🫂 right here if u wanna talk more about anything & everything 🥺
ILY2 my 자기야 😌😌😌💘🍯
also I'd like to know your pronouns if u are comfortable sharing it !! mine is she/her hehe :D
mwahhh byeee nowwwww
sorry this is the last lmao, just popped in my brain rn
have you come across/listened to this song called GLIMPSE OF US ?! 🤧 if yessss, do you listen to joji?! if no, pls pls listen to it BUT NOT TODAY( i don't want you to be more sadder) ;-; we can scream in detail abt it later lmaoo😭🤯😓
the concert date has yet to be announced, i know three members got covid and dear god poor lino got covid twice in the span of what??? 4 months??? bye 😭😭😭 i’m on a similar boat where we almost never get concerts where i am (canada 💀) which is why my friend and i had the spontaneous idea to fly out and let me tell you 💀 nothing seems to be going as planned for me lately so idk what i was expecting 😭 ofc i hope for their speedy recovery and i definitely want them to put their health first!
oh dear god you do NOT want to make me go on a ramble about my ult groups!!!! because i’m about to and you’re gonna regret it! 
i consider myself a really oldddd kpop stan (ie i started stanning when i was suuuuuper young in 2013ish-2014)
nowadays, i’m really into skz (they’re on a time out rn tho for obvious reasons), tbz (what’s new LMAO) and i listen to stayc and le sserafim a lot these days 🫶
but oof, i’ve stanned a lot of groups in my day. (i’m saying as if i’m in my 50’s 💀) *cracks knuckles* groups ive had HUGE phases for were bts, exo, day6, the boyz, and txt! (please keep in mind that these are me being overly obsessed and not just casually listening to their music but also tuning in to their variety shows and purchasing a lot of their albums )
and i’m pretty sure you can name a good chunk of the kpop industry and i’ve either heard a couple songs from them or actually know them well enough to know their names and stuff!
i’m one of the very few people who stanned bts since debut too! and to this day it’s my biggest flex 😌 i can confidently say that i feel the most connected to them for sure, they influenced a BIG chunk of my life and as you can see, my username has not changed and i never plan to change it. jimin had been my ultimate of ultimate biases for a long ass time and he’s the only idol i can say brings me an immense load of comfort (i actually named my cat after him 🤭🤭🤭) i’m soooo proud of them and i can’t describe into words how much they deserve every bit of success they’ve gotten.
also, YES IVE HEARD A GLIMPSE OF US AND 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i think it’s the fact that i’ve been pathetically single my whole life and i’m scared i’ll never be someone’s first love 💀 but i also embrace my singleness and don’t really give a fuck about men cus they’re musty. 💀 i don’t think i’ve listened to any other joji song tho, are there any that you recommend? 🤭🫶
omg i just realized i’ve never formally introduced myself and i should really do that….. i’ll make a post about it soon 🤭
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unconditionally || kth
➼ title: unconditionally
➼ pairing: ex-husband!taehyung x female reader
➼ genre: angst | fluff | hurt/comfort | smut | divorce au | exes to lovers au | parents au
➼ summary: A mother’s love is unconditional, and they deserves just as much. They aren’t always perfect in the other’s eyes, but to some people—mom is as close to perfect as you can get. Everyone makes mistakes, we’re human.
➼ word count: 10k
➼ warnings: mentions divorce & failed marriage | mentions accidents and DUIs vaguely | mentions battles with alcohol abuse & addiction | depression and sadness | mentions custody arrangements and losing custody of children | mentions pregnancy | mentions mild panic attack | mentions toxic relationships | unhealthy coping mechanisms | mentions relapsing | some arguing | mentions reckless driving | insecurities | mentions cheating/infidelity but none of this actually happens | reader is self-conscious about her stretch marks | explicit sexual content | unprotected sex | soft dom!taehyung | sub!reader | light erotic humiliation | squirting | spanking | restraints/wrist pinning | oral (female receiving) | body worshiping | orgasm denial/control | slight mutual & guided masturbation | light pussy slapping | biting & marking | fingering | make-up sex | dirty talk | passionate sex | crying | nipple/breast play | multiple orgasms | choking/breath play | cum shots | apology sex | aftercare & pillow talk | crying (the good, the bad, and the ugly kind) | hopeful ending
➼ rating: 18+
➼ a/n: Hi loves! So I wanted to drop off this piece before I left. it’s not the usual stuff I post but it’s something I’ve had on my chest for a while. I’ve been a bit down because of mom guilt and other things—having to work, go to school, and now leave the kiddo for 2 weeks. I just feel really horrible for always being so busy but it’s all for our future and it’s finally about to pay off. Her dad told me I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and to try to get it off my shoulder so that’s how I started writing this. No planning, no outline, just me typing and trying to get myself in a better place mentally. It worked…I cried but I feel so much better. I want to give a special thanks to Isi @raplinesmoon for not only beta reading this story for me but for being so supportive and leaving such kind notes. I really appreciate you and thank you so much.
Playlist: Human by Christina Perri | When We Were Young by Adele | Leave the Door Open by Silk Sonic | Mockingbird by Eminem | Stay In Love by Mariah Carey | Hello by Adele | Don’t Forget About Us by Mariah Carey
Read on AO3
“Congratulations, babe. You’ve done it, and I am so so proud of you!”
Your older sister Kaylin showers you with ropes of streamers, not caring if any gets in your hair. She tosses the empty contents behind her and immediately pulls you in for an embrace. What usually is an annoying feeling becomes a joyous one because she’s absolutely right. You did it.
After all those classes and court appearances, two years of sobriety, you’ve finally crawled out of the hole of self destruction you managed to dig yourself. And it’s been a long time coming.
You remember the day everything went downhill. You and your ex were fighting, like you had always done. Both of you were young when you married, but you thought you had it all figured out. No one told you how rough marriage can be, and neither of you were prepared for the stress of raising two children within a home that already had enough problems.
You had an addiction and Taehyung was a workaholic. Fighting and arguing was a norm during your ten years of marriage, and no matter what you did to fix it—therapy, vacations, babies. Nothing could mend the damage that had already been done. Your biggest regret was bringing your children right into the eye of the storm. They were really young at the time, but they saw and heard it all.
None of this is fair to them, and you’ll do whatever it takes to make things right. Things may be over between you and their father, but you still want to somehow remain a family. You were never ready to be a mother, however you love your children more than anything, and you miss them so much.
Losing custody was the hardest blow you ever took, and in the beginning, you almost gave up. If Kaylin wasn’t there to help you through it, you’d still be sleeping on a blowup mattress in her one bedroom apartment. She pushed you to get up, pull yourself together and handle your legal business, find a job, and ultimately move on with the divorce from Taehyung so you both could move forward.
That was two years ago, and the court had ordered that your visitation with the children be supervised by their grandparents due to the nature of your car accident. No other person was injured or involved, but a criminal record isn’t a good look for a mother of two. The judge ruled, and he ruled hard. However, you didn’t argue or complain. You knew it was your fault entirely, and you deserve the punishment you received and some. But you’ve paid your debts to society and now it’s time to get back on track. Though, that is easier said than done.
“I owe it all to you, big sis. I owe you everything,” you admit with the utmost gratitude. In a way, Kaylin saved your life, and if the opportunity to repay her ever presented itself, you’d jump on it immediately.
Your sister withdraws and looks at you with her hands still resting on your shoulders.
“You owe me absolutely nothing, but a glimpse of that beautiful smile of yours. This is a huge day for you; I want you to be happy.”
“I am happy. It’s just—”
“You’re nervous?” she intervenes.
You nod and she gives you a sympathetic look. “Aww, sweetie. Everything’s going to be okay. Trust me, once they get to your place, they’ll be so thrilled. They’ll finally have some alone time with mommy and it’ll be one big girls’ night. You just watch and see.”
She’s always been the cheerful one, and you are so fond of that trait. Your mom was like that and you always thought deep down, she was supposed to be the one who got married and had kids. She’d be a perfect mom and wife, unlike you—a screw up in its truest form.
“I sure hope you’re right, Kay,” you sigh.
Your sister’s eyes soften and she gives your arm a gentle squeeze. “Aren’t I always?”
“Yeah.” You roll your eyes when she touches your nose, still treating you like she did when you were kids. “We should probably sit over there so he can see us when they–ooph!”
As you’re walking down the park’s trail to the main entrance, someone accidentally bumps into you and makes you drop your phone. The man quickly bends down to pick it up and place it in your hand, apologizing repeatedly for not paying attention. When your eyes reach his face, you’re blown away by how handsome he is, and how his smile and skin seems to radiate a certain glow.
“Hey,” he breathes, staring back at you with the same awestruck gaze.
“H…Hi.”
Seconds pass before he clears his throat and straightens his posture.
“Sorry, where are my manners? I’m Scott,” the stranger holds out his hand and you look at it hesitantly for a moment, “...or not.”
You blink a few times, realizing you’re being rude. You take his hand before he retracts then you introduce yourself while fighting through a bit of embarrassment.
“I’m, _____. So nice to meet you.”
“Likewise,” he states, focus drifting towards the left. You realize your sister’s still standing there and you quickly involve her in the conversation.
“Oh, this is my sister, Kaylin. Kaylin, Scott.”
“What a pleasure,” she winks. You slap her arm, and the man tries his best to stifle a laugh.
“Anyway, I have to get going to meet some friends. It was nice meeting you both, and I’m so sorry about bumping into you.”
You wave it off. “It’s fine. I wasn’t paying attention either, and my phone is scratch-free.”
“Well, that’s awesome. I’ll see you around then?”
“Oh, I’m just here to meet—”
“She will, Scott. I’ll make sure of it,” your sister interrupts yet again.
You look at her with your mouth open. Scott leaves you with an optimistic grin, and as soon as he’s out of sight you turn to your sister. “I cannot believe you sometimes.”
She huffs. “Girl, it will not kill you to have some fun. You’re still young, beautiful…sexy.”
“Shut up, will you?”
“I’m serious. Listen, at some point you’re going to have to get back out there. Today could have been a start. Even if it was just a little one-nighter, if you know what I mean.”
Your sister’s eyebrows wiggle, and she does that little annoying thing she does with her shoulders every time she’s trying to make her point seem plausible. However, dating is the last thing on your mind right now.
“Yeah, I’m just not sure all of that is for me anymore,” you reply, lowering your head, and trying to erase the negative thoughts from your mind.
“Hey,” she touches your arm, prompting you to look her way, “You move at your own pace, okay? But don’t count yourself out just because you have some battle scars. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are, and love you regardless of such.”
You nod in agreement with her and continue your journey to the main entrance, looking at your phone to check the time.
“Heard from him yet?”
“Yeah, he should be pulling up any minute now,” you answer, still looking at your screen.
“Well, I think he’s here.”
“How do you know–ohh.” A large black SUV drives into the parking lot and finds a space towards the rear. Your breath gets caught in your throat when your ex climbs out of the driver seat, taking off his suit jacket and tossing inside before he shuts the door. He opens the back side door, and helps your two children out.
They jump around wanting to go to the playground but Taehyung just looks around while rolling up his sleeves. There’s not a brown hair out of place, and his designer clothing makes him look like he just stepped out of a magazine. His dark shades shield his vision from the sun, but you can still feel his piercing stare when his focus finally zooms in on you. Your knees buckle and you become lightheaded within seconds.
“Or maybe you should call your ex for a booty call every once in a while,” your sister comments, making you snap out of it.
“Kaylin.”
“Hey, I’m just saying, you two are on good terms and you’re single…you could just—”
“No! Absolutely not. Kay, please don’t make this awkward. I’m already shaking,” you plead.
“Alright. I was just kidding.” You sigh in relief and your sister smirks before she turns to watch Taehyung and the kids make their way towards you. “Mostly.”
“You bitc…Hi kiddos!!”
Just seeing your babies after a week apart has you dropping to your knees to hold them close. They wrap their little arms around you and you spend the moment taking in everything about them—their voices, their smells, how much they’ve changed since the last time you saw them. It’s almost an overwhelming feeling knowing that this visitation isn’t going to end with them leaving so soon. You’ll have them for the whole weekend, and it’s the best Mother’s Day gift you can ask for.
“Where’s grandma and grandpa?” Khloe asks straight away.
“Well, they’re at home. We’re going to go see them on Sunday,” you answer, smoothing some of her hair back into its ponytail.
“So we’re gonna see you twice this weekend?” Jade quips with excitement. However, her features fall slightly when you shake your head.
“Actually…you’re going to be spending the weekend with me.”
The girls look at each other, confusion etched over their faces. The youngest, Jade, is the first to speak. “Is daddy coming too?”
You look up at Taehyung who’s pushed his glasses up on his head, combing some of his bangs away from his face in the process. Thankfully, he helps you out and explains your new arrangements to the girls.
“Your mom wants to have a girls’ night,” he leans in and pretends to deliver top secret information, “No boys allowed so, I gotta bounce.”
“But dad…”
“Khloe, remember if you wanna start having sleepovers with friends, you’re going to have to show me how responsible you are. Your mom throws the best sleepovers so she can teach you a ton of cool stuff,” he reminds her, giving you a wink when she isn’t looking.
You silently thank him then turn your attention back to the girls.
“So, y’all ready to have some fun?”
You try to sound cheerful and excited, but your fear and nervousness seeps right through and tears down your façade. Both Taehyung and Kaylin look at you with pity, but stay silent and allow you to reclaim your role in their lives. You have to start somewhere is what you keep telling yourself.
“Okay, mommy,” they both reply in unison and you release a much needed breath.
You rise to your feet and nod at your sister, signaling her to get the car ready while you go over last minute details with Taehyung. “Alright, let’s go get your things, shall we?”
“Okay, who wants pizza?!”
With a lineup of movies ready to go and two boxes of pepperoni pizza ordered, your mommy-daughter sleepover has officially begun. It started off rocky with a few moments of awkwardness and a forgetting that Jade likes her bath filled with her favorite toys, you finally manage to get your kids settled on the couch without any complaints from them. You just hope you can keep it that way.
“Ew, pizza is gross. Dad makes us lasagna on Fridays,” Khloe whines.
“Yeah, we want lasagna, mommy,” says Jade as she rubs her tummy.
You look between the two girls back and forth with your mouth slightly ajar. “We just had pizza two weeks ago from this place, and you said it was your fav.”
Your brain replays the day you met them at the pizzeria downtown vividly. They were begging their grandparents to bring them back. You thought for sure this would bring smiles on their faces.
“I mean don’t you wanna try a piece? It’s your fav—”
“Can’t you make us lasagna like daddy? Khloe whines with Jade being her echo.
You look towards your next to empty kitchen and lower your head in shame. Even if you had all the ingredients, you still couldn’t cook something like that. You don’t have the skill.
“No, sweetheart. Mommy, can’t make that.”
They both let out defeated sighs and sink into the couch. “Well, how about I order you something else, or maybe I can make something else?”
They both look at each other and then back to you. Khloe is the only one to speak.
“It’s okay, mom—”
“Can we go home?” Jade blurts out, putting a sinking feeling into your stomach.
It’s no secret that the girls live with Taehyung and that he has full custody despite the new schedule, but hearing your child refer to somewhere other than with you home, hurts you so deeply you have to take a step back.
Her older sister slaps her arm and she winces. “Shut up, Jade.”
You tell her not to hit her sister and turn to set the pizza boxes on the coffee table so you can secretly push back your tears. You return with a brave face, and a smile even you find believable. You’ve been waiting for this moment for two long years, but you will not force it. Even if you have to wait two more, you will if that makes them comfortable.
“Do you want me to take you back to your dad’s?”
They both hesitate, but nod timidly.
“No worries, let me grab your things and then we’ll hit the road, okay?”
They cheer and dance around, finally being happy for the first time since they left the park. You leave them to do their victory dance and make your way down the hall to get their bags. Slowly, your hands begin to shake because there’s just one little issue about taking them home. You haven’t driven at night since the accident, and it’s always been because you’ve had a fear of doing so. However, calling Taehyung would probably make him a little upset since Khloe broke her promise and you know how it affects her when she disappoints him. You’ll just toughen up and come up with something to let them off the hook while you’re on the way across town. And hopefully, you’ll make it back here without breaking down. You just hope that one day you can become the mother they deserve.
With the girls secured in the backseat, you start your car and take a deep breath. It hasn’t rained in about a week, but tonight it’s storming. It’s pouring down so hard the droplets rock your tiny sedan. Your mind can only replay the screeching sounds of your tires as you tried to slow down that night two years ago. The flash you saw right before slamming into the tree is still a vivid memory you hold onto. It haunts you, terrifies you so much that you want nothing more than to run inside rather than reenact the tale. However, one look at your daughters’ optimistic gazes into the stormy night with the excitement of seeing their father dancing in their smiles, you know that they’re just as thrilled as you were upon their arrival at the park—and you’d never rob them of that.
“Are we ready to go?” you turn and ask the girls. They both cheer and nod their heads, leading you to respond with a nervous smile. Your shake hand puts the car in drive but forget to put on the wipers so you make a haste to reach for the lever.
The blades startle you immediately, causing you to shriek and cover your ears before you realize it’s just the wipers. The girls giggle, thinking it’s a joke or that their mom is just afraid of window wipers, but they have no idea of the level of fear coursing through your body.
You tremble as you get yourself together, and eventually after several deep breaths, you’re able to pull out of your driveway into the slippery streets, praying you get your babies across town safely. Taehyung’s place is about a 20 minute drive, and you’ll spend every minute of it trying to ignore the terror that’s trying to take control of your mind.
“Hey, I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time. We’re outside, and I know I have key, but I didn’t want to barge in—”
“I’m on my way down,” Taehyung responds quickly, not hanging up until he swings open his front door. Concern is etched over his features, but Jade and Khloe swarm him before he can say anything.
“Daddy, we missed you!” Jade exclaims, squeezing him tightly with her little arms. Khloe is attached to his hip and he smooths her hair before turning back to you.
“Wha—”
“I’m sorry. I have really bad cramps and I just couldn’t keep up with them like this,” you quickly lie.
Taehyung’s lips hold so many questions and he’s prepared to ask them but Khloe interrupts him.
“Can you make lasagna, dad? I’m so hungry.”
Her doe eyes look up at him innocently and he instantly melts, unable to say no to his oldest little girl. “Alright, but after dinner you both are going straight to bed.”
You smile. “I’ll go get their bags and then I’ll steal some kisses before I leave.”
“Wait, did you drive here yourself?” Taehyung questions before you can step out into the rain. You’re already drenched so it won’t really matter if you got rained on at this point. You just wished your shoes didn’t make these awful sounds when you walk.
“Yeah.” You turn around and find him shaking his head.
“We’ll get them in the morning. You have something in your purse right?” He points to your handbag that’s still clinging on your shoulder due to you forgetting to remove it in the car.
“Huh?”
“You said you were…so I figured you had some emergency stuff in your bag.”
“Oh yeah,” you slap your forehead, scolding yourself for forgetting about your little lie that quickly, “I do, but—”
“Well, come inside and eat with us. You still have clothes here and you can take one of the spare rooms. You don’t need to be driving in that storm; it’s getting worse, and,” he steps a bit closer so he can whisper, “Kaylin told me how difficult it is for you to drive in these conditions, just consider staying for a moment at least. Please? For the girls?”
For the girls. That’s all it really took for you. Though you dread stepping through that door, the same one you walked out of right before you ruined everything, you’re filled with warmth knowing you’ll be having dinner with your daughters tonight after all. You’ll take what you can get, even if it pulls you back to the place you swore you’d never return to.
“Oh, alright. I guess I am a little hungry too,” you jest and Taehyung gives you a smirk.
“Well, right this way my ladies. The three of you may go and throw on your finest evening gowns and meet me in the dining area shortly.”
You and your daughters all giggle as you enter the dimly lit foyer, and he taps your shoulder before you can ascend the stairs.
“If you need me, I’m here. I know it’s not easy,” he speaks softly.
You nod. “Thanks, Taehyung. I know.”
It took a while to get to this point in your relationship, but you know even after years of turmoil and a divorce, you’re in a better place. You respect each other and you communicate exceptionally. If only you’d done this in the beginning, your marriage probably would have been a lot stronger and would have been able to withstand the rough patches you had. If only.
“Khloe, when you were a baby, you had these things called blow outs. Every time you did that, your dad would come to me screaming and saying he couldn’t do it. It was hilarious,” you say to the oldest of your pair.
She buries her face in her arm and giggles at her father’s flushed face. Just recalling the memory of dirty diapers has the man shivering. But of course, he’s quick to counter.
Taehyung scoffs with a slight jerk of his head. “Touché. I remember the first time Jade puked in your face, you cried in the shower for almost an hour.”
“Did you really have to go there?” you whine playfully, looking at your daughters with a little pout. Jade gives you a hug and Khloe walks around to do the same and you poke your tongue out at Taehyung to claim your little victory.
“Nope, I didn’t have to go there. But I know two little princesses that need to go get their rest, yeah?”
They both begin to move, but still complain.
“Okay, daddy,” they sigh in sync. The girls make their way to the stairs and Taehyung starts to clean up the dining table. You quickly get up from your seat to help him.
“I’ll tuck you in and stuff once I’m done in the kitchen,” he calls and you respectfully interject.
“Taehyung, I can clean this up. I don’t mind.”
He declines. “No, no. I got it. Just sit and I’ll—”
“I insist, Taehyung…meaning let me do it or I’ll do it anyway.”
His shoulders drop and he shakes his head, a small smile rising to his cheeks.
“Why did I even try?”
“You should ask yourself that,” you reply.
Taehyung’s grin widens. “Maybe I just wanted you to get a little sassy.”
“Hey!” You throw an uneaten roll at him but he dodges it before it makes contact.
“You’re funny. I’m gonna shower and take off to bed after I get them settled. You need anything else?”
“No, I’m fine. Thanks, Taehyung,” you assure and continue with your task.
He nods. “Well…I guess I’ll see you in the morning then?”
“Yup.”
Out of your peripheral, you notice Taehyung’s mouth opens to say something, but he goes against it and walks away. “Night, ______.”
“You too, Taehyung.”
When everyone disappears and the room is filled with silence, you wonder how you’re going to sleep in this house that holds so much misery and heart ache. You’ll try to focus on the positives like being here with your daughters and maybe, just maybe—the demons of the past won’t bother you too much tonight.
You tried to sleep, you really did. But the longer you lay there tossing and turning, the more horrible memories of this home flood your mind. It all started after Taehyung’s promotion. He worked more and came home less. The man would rather spend the night at a hotel than come home to his wife. You didn’t mean to bicker or complain about never seeing him, but the change affected you more than he ever understood.
He thought you were just bored and wanted company, so he got you pregnant—twice. However, the girls only caused a bigger rift in your marriage, no matter how much you deny it. You were raising two children on your own with little help from Taehyung. Each time your six weeks were up, he’d be right back at work, leaving you alone to take care of the home.
You struggled to say the least. Something simple as making dinner brought you great difficulty. You could barely boil water, let alone make a meal for four. You felt like the world’s worst mother and wife. Nothing you did was right, and Taehyung made sure you knew that. He’d come home pissed and upset. The kids would be crying, the house would be a mess, and dinner would be late or unavailable. He always lost his shit when you said you’d get something delivered.
And you weren’t innocent either. You were sure to remind him of his long work hours and even accused him of seeing someone when you knew he’d never go there, but you were bitter and spiteful. You couldn’t help yourself. You had to fight fire with fire. Until the day Taehyung ceased your flame and hit below the belt.
Not only did he tell you were a horrible wife, but also a piss-poor mother. That’s when it all started. The stress, the striving for perfection, the drinking. It started off with a few glasses of wine at night and quickly progressed to something much stronger. You never did it when you were alone with the girls, only when Taehyung was home. That was the only way you could face him, stand toe to toe in your heated arguments without falling apart. It made you numb, it made you invincible. But even vodka couldn’t shield you from Taehyung’s rage.
“You’re pathetic, and that bottle has dragged your sorry ass right out of our lives because I can’t do this shit anymore.”
You remember the way you nearly collapsed when he said those words. The only response you could give was to tell him to burn in hell to which he replied, “not before you,” and he almost got his wish. You left at that very moment, in the middle of a severe thunderstorm with nothing but your car keys and a bottle of vodka in tow. That was the night of the accident, the night you nearly lost your life.
After that day, everything changed. It was like the universe was telling you and Taehyung, life was too short, fix it or it’ll get fixed for you. Something clicked in you that never had before. You knew your marriage was over but you still had two beautiful children to raise. Taehyung wanted to pay for everything—your legal fees, your living expenses. He even wanted to pull some strings to make your punishment less severe. However, you declined. Whatever you got, you deserved and instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you got up and did your part in making it right.
But being here again, for the first time in two years, brings back so much pain and hurt that getting any sleep seems impossible. You wonder how he does it. How he sleeps in this house every night after everything that’s happened. Taehyung’s always been the stronger one so you imagine it doesn’t phase him much. You do know he blames himself, however. He puts all the burden on his shoulders, and you wish he wouldn’t. You’re the fuck up, not him. In the end, you chose to pick up a bottle, and it ruined everything. You should have tried harder to be a better wife, a better mom, and a better person. Now you’re afraid it may be too late.
“Can’t sleep?”
You tear your gaze away from the moonlit sky, and turn to the familiar voice around you.
“Oh, I was uhh…grabbing a glass of water,” you avoid the question.
Taehyung nods as he slips his hands inside of his shorts, leaning against the kitchen counter. His hair is now in its natural wavy state, falling over his eyes and giving him that boyish look you fell in love with. He clears his throat and moves forward with small talk.
“Is there…something on your mind? You’ve been down here for a while.”
You shake your head.
“No, I was just,” you turn towards the window and fix your eyes on the calm and gentle night sky, “...enjoying the view.”
You return your attention back to him and find him partly smiling with his eyes fixated on his fuzzy slippers. “Same here,” he whispers, barely audible.
“Oh, how long have you been standing here?”
You didn’t even notice his presence until he spoke to you.
“Not very long. Looks like the rain finally stopped, huh?” he comments.
“Yeah, finally. I thought it never would.”
Taehyung looks up and stills, whatever he was planning on saying is forgotten in the moment. “You’ve been crying.”
Your fingertips touch your cheeks and feel the dried tear stains from earlier, but yet you still deny the accusation.
You laugh. “I’m fine, just watery eyes.”
“Hm, okay.”
You quickly down the rest of your water and turn away from him, pretending to wash your hands in hopes that he’ll grow tired and return to bed, but Taehyung is always persistent.
“I always forget how short you are.” He makes his way toward you and takes his place behind you with only a few inches to spare. He looks out of the window over your head and doesn’t move, making your hair raise due to his close proximity.
“Taehyung.”
“Hm?”
You face him and you have to take a deep breath before you speak. His eyes are barely visible underneath his bangs and thick lashes, but they still hold you captive with their fierceness.
“I’ve already told you before. I’m not short, you’re just—”
“I’m not tall,” he interrupts.
“Tall-ish.”
Taehyung’s soft laughter fills the kitchen and brings a smile to your face as well. You both giggle and try not to wake the girls, but are almost failing miserably, especially when you try to put the glass on the top shelf without a stool. He takes it away from you and puts it there himself, earning a playful eye roll from you.
“I could have done that,” you tell him once you turn around. He folds his arms and scoffs.
“You’re fucking hilarious.”
As the laughter slowly calms, his eyes drift to the garbage disposal and lingers there for a few seconds. You cannot help but follow his gaze out of curiosity and notice the empty wine bottle lying among the other discarded items.
“Taehyung, I didn’t-That’s not mine. I promise,” you attest truthfully.
He closes the drawer quickly. “I know. That’s mine from earlier. I’m so sorry. I should have done a better job at getting rid of that. I just didn’t know you were—”
“No, it’s fine. I can see it. Smell it…I still don’t want any.”
Taehyung nods before his features raise in a flash of sudden thought.
“But even if it was yours, I wouldn’t judge you for that, you know?...Whether it was just to help you relax or you were slipping, I’d never make you feel like you aren’t safe here. Not anymore.”
“You don’t have to do that. If I ever slip, you should—”
“Be the man I should have been and helped the mother of my children through what she was going through.”
You shake your head.
“You promised me you wouldn’t think like that.”
Taehyung grits his teeth, fighting back emotions he’s probably been holding in for years. “I’ve tried, but I can’t let myself off the hook like that, not when you’re the only one who had to suffer for the shit I put you through.”
“You are not responsible for me giving up, I am. So stop it. Please.”
He shifts his focus elsewhere, attempting to hide his glossy eyes from you, but it’s impossible to not hear the shakiness in his voice.
“But I’m responsible for helping you back on your feet, and that’s in our vows. That is what I promised you, remember?”
“We have no vows, Taehyung! Not anymore. You divorced me, remember?” you argue and the feeling that follows is not one you favor. Regret, sorrow, pain…the list goes on. Bottom line, you should have never said it.
Taehyung nods, running his hand over his face. “Yeah,” he clears his throat, “you’re absolutely right about that.”
“No, I didn’t…I should–Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
In a flash, you find yourself wrapped in his embrace stiffened with shock and unsureness. Comfort surrounds you but you’re too afraid to fall into it. It’s foreign in these arms.
“I just wanna be there for you. Just once,” he murmurs while his face is buried in your hair.
“But you have been…more than you’ll ever know.”
Taehyung sighs. “I could do so much more, but you’d never let me.”
“Taehyung, I owe you everything for allowing me to still be in the girls’ lives. So if there’s anything I can do for you, please—let me know.”
“I wouldn’t keep them away from you. I’d never do that,” he assures. As seconds go by, you become more relaxed and accustomed to your current position. Taehyung seems to be in some sort of daydream, a place that brings him comfort. You wonder where that is. “You know…sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just said fuck it and kissed you.”
You pull away and look at him. “You’ll only know if you find out.”
He scoffs.
“Like you’d let me do something like that.”
“I’m still in your arms, aren’t I?” you point out.
“Yeah. You are, huh?” he whispers while staring at your lips. Your body seems to gravitate towards him even though there’s literally no space between you.
“Mmhm.”
His fingertip comes up to gently trace your bottom lip and your lashes flutter. “I’d give a million.”
“Just do it, Taehyung. Kiss me.”
And so he does. He leans in and softly cups your face in his hand, bringing his lips within a hair’s distance before he finally gives in. Initially, there’s hesitance on both parts, but after time passes and you become more familiar with each other’s touch again, the more right it feels. You would describe as two pieces that are finally joined and connected to one another. A magnetic pull between you that doesn’t want to tear you apart. And you wouldn’t want to if you could because for once in a very long time, you aren’t afraid of allowing someone to see you when you’re so vulnerable.
Your hands explore and touch places you haven’t felt in years so when a small moan travels into Taehyung’s mouth in response to him squeezing your ass, he freezes.
“I should stop,” he suggests, preparing to withdraw.
“You don’t have to.”
Taehyung pulls away slightly, creases across his features. “But you aren’t feeling well.”
“Huh?”
Taehyung seems amused by your confusion.
“Earlier, you were in pain, no?”
Oh.
“Sorry, I kind of lied about that,” you shrug, giving an awkward smile. Taehyung’s response isn’t one you’re expecting; his hands grab your waist and spin you around. “Um, Tae—”
“You’ve been doing that a lot, haven’t you?”
His right hand ventures lower and you grip the counter to steady your wobbly legs.
“Doing what?” you ask him.
He breathes a small chuckle in your ear and his deep voice makes you shiver. “Lying. To me of all people.”
Taehyung slaps your ass and you bite back the mewl that tries to escape your mouth. You whimper into his other hand when it moves to your face. The sting leaves you trembling, but arouses you nevertheless. Your pussy clenches around nothing, letting you know how desperate it is to be filled.
“That shit’s so unnecessary.” He scolds you while tenderly caressing the area of contact. You don’t know how long you can hold yourself together like this because it’s been forever since you’ve been touched. You want to let it out, but you know he can drag this out if he wants to. Patience is going to be the key. “You know you’re still my girl.”
“Fuck, Taehyung,” you cry into his palm when another slap is delivered to your rear.
The sound resonates through the kitchen, ricocheting through the silence. You both stay still for a moment, not moving or making a sound until you’re sure it didn’t wake the girls. You feel him smiling against your skin when he knows the coast is clear.
“Fuck, Taehyung…you sound fucking sexy when you say that. Come here,” he mocks and spins you around.
His piercing gaze softens when he sees the fresh droplets rolling down your cheeks, but only for a second because he knows the real reason behind them is driven by nothing but want and pure lust. Taehyung pulls you close and wipes them away with his thumb. “I wanna take you upstairs…have a little fun with you.”
“Okay,” you answer. Your hands move from his face to his chest then eventually to his toned biceps, “Let’s go.”
“Yeah?...You sure?”
You nod. “Mmhm.”
“Come on,” Taehyung says as he grabs your hand and leads towards the stairs.
Your back falls onto the bed with a tiny thud. The softness envelops you almost immediately and your eyes naturally shut as you bask in the smell of home for the first time in two years. He still uses the same detergent, and it almost feels like you never left, but then reality hits you.
“You’ve changed your mind,” Taehyung mentions climbing on the bed and hovering over your body. He observes your features, trying to piece together what could be wrong on his own.
“That’s not it.” You sigh and he tilts his head with curiosity.
“Then what is?”
Your hand feels the fabric beneath you and you watch as the small wrinkles smooth out. A million thoughts running through your mind but only one actually makes itself known.
“Women.” Taehyung’s frown displays his confusion so you elaborate. “How many have you had since we…How many have been in here?”
“There was one, but she’s never been here. No one else ever has, and no one ever will. This is my marital bed, the one I shared with you. I may have not respected it when you were here, but I do now, baby. You mean too much to me; I could never do that.”
His orbs hold sincerity and you believe the words he says to you. It’s not like you’d say anything if he did, but knowing he hasn’t makes you more comfortable with lying here.
“Do I know her?” you can’t help but ask.
“Sweetheart, I didn’t even know her.” He laughs briefly but then his expression turns serious and he gives you a small smile. “Now can we focus on you?...That’s all I wanna do tonight.”
“Okay, Taehyung.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, it’s okay.” Giving him the greenlight reignites the fire in his dark brown orbs. He lowers himself and kisses your lips, then your chin; he gets lower and lower until he can’t access any more of your exposed skin. Taehyung’s solution is to move lower, and find home between your thighs.
He spreads them apart and begins to leave wet kisses up to the hem of your shorts. You feel a slight tug followed by a growl that ripples straight to your center. “Off.”
Your bottoms are pulled down quickly, and the action lets you know just how impatient Taehyung is right now. A lopsided grin adorns his handsome face when he takes in the sight of you lying beneath him in no panties, captivated by the slickness coating your folds. They glisten under the moonlight, exposing how deeply you desire him. You squeeze your thighs together when he tries to open you up for his greedy eyes.
“I already know how wet you are, just let me see,” he encourages and you slowly relax your muscles. You turn your head when he spreads you and the sound of your stickiness makes it to your ears. You can feel the smirk growing on Taehyung’s face when his fingers scissor your lips apart. “Look at that,” he whispers.
His digits move up and down your center, making your chest heave with exhilaration. He brings them together again and dips them into your opening, just enough to make your back arch. However, when he notices your closed eyes he’s quick to regather your attention.
“Hey,” he taps your clit with the pads of his fingers and your body twitches because of how sensitive you are, “I said watch.”
“Taehyung, I can’t.”
“Wanna come on my fingers?” he quips.
You nod feverishly, propping yourself on your elbows so your foreheads can touch. “Yeah. Yes, please.”
“Then watch, and tell me how deep you shove your fingers in your pussy when you think about me.”
Taehyung pushes two of his slender digits inside of your heat, causing your mouth to fall open. He pauses and gives you a moment to adjust to the sudden intrusion, however his gaze is anything but patient and gentle. “Please move,” you plead.
“How?”
“Fuck. Slow, and deep.” He adopts the pace you’ve given and finally begins to feed your needs. Your eyes stare at the amount of wetness that covers his fingers whenever he pulls out and you can hear him licking his lips as he imagines how you would taste on his tongue. Soon, you also become needier. “More,” you murmur while your lips are pressed on his.
“More?...Faster?” Taehyung’s movements quicken and a disgusting squelching sound fills the room, making your cheeks burn. Your hand grips his shirt for support and to keep yourself from floating away because he’s already taking you to your peak. “Of deeper?...How does my baby like her cunt fucked?”
You whimper when he buries his digits inside of you, keeping his same pace and curling them to make you come undone. A silent cry is the only response you can muster, and your eyes beg him not to stop until you’ve reached your release. But Taehyung has a few other plans.
He pushes you backwards, making you fall flat on the bed and dives into your wetness. His tongue attacks your throbbing clit, licking it in swift motions to add to your sensitivity. Your thighs threaten to close again, but his forearms and body weight keeps them apart. You squirm beneath him when his lips envelope the bundle of nerves, and your hands instinctively find his hair. Even though you grip onto his dark strands to keep your sanity, you still become overwhelmed with pleasure. Within seconds, you’re begging him to let you chase your high while grinding against his face.
Taehyung’s only response is to hook his arm around your thigh and lock you in place, forcing you to endure his merciless wet muscle until you’re contorting in his arms and softly punching the bed to cope with your intense orgasm.
“You taste so fucking good, you know that?” When his fingers abandon your leaking hole, it quivers from the loss, and Taehyung kisses the area to soothe you. Your body twitches and he releases a breathy laugh. His hands reach up to gently caress your nipples through your shirt while his lips and teeth work their way up your body. “I really can’t get enough of you.”
“Taehyung,” you whine when he uses his teeth to lift your shirt, exposing the faint stretch marks that crawl up your stomach.
“Don’t be like that, baby. You know how much I love this part.” Your body gives in once he starts tracing each stripe with the tip of his tongue, leaving a chill across your skin once the air hits the moisture. “I miss hearing your little moans. I miss you, _______.”
“I miss you too,” you gasp when his kisses reach the center of your stomach and his soft lips touch your navel. He smiles and gifts you with another, making you call out his name.
“I can tell. You’d probably come again if I kissed the right spot, huh?” He works his way up your body until he’s blocked by your shirt, and he quickly lifts it above your breasts. His mouth hovers over them, debating which one he wants to give attention to first. You try to guide him towards your lips but he grabs your wrists and pins your hands above your head. “Which one?”
“Tae—”
“Answer me, darling,” he warns, giving your wrists a squeeze.
You sigh in defeat. “The left one.”
Shock comes over you when he ventures to the right instead, and you immediately begin to make noises of pleasure. Taehyung has no choice but to pull your shirt up further and use it to muffle your moans. You’re so sensitive and driven by lust, you forgot the girls were sleeping down the hall.
Taehyung alternates between the two, nibbling and sucking each nipple with a precise amount of pressure to have you trembling underneath him. Your body arches into him, giving him the encouragement he needs to continue his torture with no mercy. Only when your body shakes with another pending orgasm does he release your nipple with an audible smack that causes you to mewl.
“You’re lucky,” he growls, pulling away to remove his shirt, “I need you to listen to me, okay?”
Your tongue pushes out your shirt so you can answer him.
“Yeah, okay.” Your eyes try to focus on his face, but when his dick springs out of his shorts, you have to hold yourself back from lunging forward and wrapping your lips around the reddened leaking tip.
“I’m going to give you a good fuck, but I need you to keep it down, alright?” Taehyung slaps your pussy with his thick shaft a few times to gather your arousal, and you have to bite your bottom lip to suppress a moan. He moves his hand up and down its length and coats it well before he brings the tip between your folds. The hard bluntness already has you whining. “Easy,” he reminds, running it along your slit.
You nod as tears gather in your eyes from the sensitivity and Taehyung’s finger touches your lips. “Shh,” he shushes as he slides in slowly.
He opts for covering your mouth with his palm to be safe then uses his other hand to tease your clit while you adjust to his size once again. “You’re still tight as fuck…still take me so well.”
“You feel so good,” you say after moving his hand.
“Yeah?...Can I go a little deeper? That’ll feel even better.”
You beckon for him to come closer and he does then you steal a kiss from his lips. He smiles as you wrap your limbs around him. “Fuck me.”
That’s all he needed to pull out of you and slam right back in. His self control finally falters and he fucks you with every ounce of pent up emotions he’s been burying all these years. The pace he sets is unforgiving, and your eyes roll back as pleasure builds within you once again. Your nails claw at anything they can reach—the pillows, the sheets, Taehyung. Anything to distract yourself from crying out as he pounds into you with everything he has.
“Taehyung,” you try to warn, but all it earns you is a bite on your right nipple. He rolls the bud between his teeth before taking it into his mouth and sucking gently to soothe it.
“Not now, rub your clit and I’ll tell you when to let go.” Taehyung grunts as he approaches his own release due to your walls clenching around him.
He rests on his forearms, allowing you to reach between you and stimulate your own bundle of nerves. Your thick salty tears roll down your cheeks from the overwhelming sensitivity.
Taehyung places a firm grip around your throat as his high approaches, and your eyes squeeze shut to focus on anything but coming. It feels so good, and all you want to do is surrender to your own pleasure.
When his thrusts begin to falter, he quickly requests your attention. “Keep those pretty eyes on me, okay? I want you to remember who makes you come on command.”
Your fingers continue to draw circles on your swollen clit, and when Taehyung angles his thrusts to target your g-spot, the coil in your stomach threatens to snap.
“Come,” he growls in your ear.
Your vision whitens and another intense orgasm ripples through your body. A gush of your arousal forces Taehyung’s cock out of you, but he doesn’t mind finishing himself off while he enjoys the show.
The light pressure on your throat while he searches for his release, only granting you the tiniest bit of air he can offer. Your fingers continue to work in and out of your heat, making a larger mess beneath as another wave of juices leak onto the bed. You cry Taehyung’s name as quietly as you can and he comforts you in response.
“I know, just let it out, sweetheart. You deserve it,” he moans softly as ropes of cum paint your thighs and stomach. His hand loosen its grip and slides down your body once you’ve both calmed down. You lie on the bed in silence as he uses his shirt to wipe away the seed on your skin, thinking about all the horrible things they may come next. However, none of those things ever leave your mind.
He lies down beside you and envelopes you in his arms. “You alright?”
You nod.
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Stop lying to me,” he chides, but you can hear the silent plea for honesty in his tone.
“I haven’t been okay in a long time, Taehyung. But right now, I feel better.”
Your back is turned but you can sense the approval in his aura. “Good.”
A beat of silence passes, and the soft strokes of his thumb makes your eyelids low and heavy. However, you still hear his deep voice speaking in your ear.
“I’m so sorry, for everything.”
You sigh. “I know, and I forgive you. Now please forgive yourself,” you insist.
“I will try, as long as you keep trying.” Taehyung stifles a laugh when you yawn, and you playfully nudge him with your elbow. “Get some sleep, you have a big day tomorrow.”
“What do you mean?”
He snuggles closer and buries his face in the crook of your neck. “You’ll see. Goodnight, love.”
However, sleep is no longer present in your tired eyes. Curiosity takes over your mind and you’ll spend the next two hours lying awake and wondering what tomorrow holds.
You wake up to the smell of food for the first time since you moved out of Kaylin's apartment. It smells divine and your nose and stomach beg you to get up and follow it. However, before you leave Taehyung’s bedroom, you grab a pair of his sweats to cover your lower portion. You do your best at fixing yourself in the mirror, but eventually give up because no matter what you do, you still look like shit.
As you descend the stairs, you hear the girls talking to Taehyung in the kitchen and you pause before you enter to eavesdrop.
“Dad, why does mommy get scared so much?” you hear Khloe’s voice ask.
“Well,” the sound of him cracking eggs makes him pause so that the girl can hear when he speaks, “Mommy’s been through a lot and sometimes when something reminds her of all the bad stuff, it scares her a little bit.”
“But aren’t grown ups supposed to be brave?”
“Your mom is brave, sweetheart. She’s the strongest person I know,” he answers, and his words cause a warm feeling to grow inside you.
“Really? But she’s afraid of the window wipers.”
You hear Taehyung’s deep chuckle fill the kitchen, and your heart flutters. Hearing your ex-husband say these things about you means more than he could ever know. You don’t realize you have tears until they reach your chin.
“Hey, I’m afraid of window wipers too, those things are wild!”
The girls start laughing and you hear Jade’s voice next. “But daddy, you aren’t afraid of anything.”
“That’s not true, Jade. I’m afraid of a lot of things.”
“Really? Like what?”
You lean in a little bit closer so you don’t have to strain your ears and your breath gets taken away by the way Taehyung answers her question.
“Mmhm. I’m afraid of a lot of things, but do you know who I always call when I’m upset or afraid?”
Both girls begin to bubble with curiosity. “Who? Who, daddy?”
“Your mommy.” The room gets quiet as your daughters process the response he gives and wonder why you were his answer in the first place. You hang on with the same interest. “She’s my best friend.”
Your hand covers your mouth to keep your soft sobs trapped within your throat.
“How?...Mommies and daddies can be friends?” Jade questions him.
“Of course they can. Your mom and I were close for a really long time before we fell in love. We did everything together, and she’d always stick up for me when someone was giving me a hard time.”
Khloe is the next to ask her question. “But how are you best friends when you don’t talk to each other that much? Did you make mom sad? Is that why she cries?”
You step forward, preparing to enter the kitchen and change the subject since the topic has gotten heavy, but Taehyung puts on a brave face and gives her nothing but his honesty.
“I did. I made her sad. But we both ruined our friendship before that. We lost each other somehow, and now we’re trying to get back to where we started.”
“Does that mean mommy can come back home?” Khloe inquires with a hopeful tone in her voice.
“Well,” Taehyung sighs and turns around to check the food. You enter the kitchen unbeknownst to any of them and stand near the door frame to observe and wipe away your tears. “That’s entirely up to her. She’s always welcomed here, and I’d love for her to live with us again.”
“Me too,” Jade cheers.
Taehyung hums. “Have you told her that?”
“Have you?” Khloe counters, making you giggle.
Everyone turns towards the sound and finds you standing there awkwardly. The girls rush towards you screaming as loud as their little lungs allow them to. “Happy Mother’s Day, mommy!”
You wrap your arms around them.
“Thanks, my babies. I love you so much. How did you sleep?”
“Good!” Jade exclaims, grabbing your finger and bringing you further into the kitchen. “Did you sleep okay, mom?”
Taehyung snickers to himself and you roll your eyes.
“I slept okay, but I think a bear was snoring outside of my window,” you reply, smirking at Taehyung when he turns and narrows his eyes.
“Must be a jungle out there, I could have sworn I heard some sort of wild animal squealing all night,” he adds.
The girls bounce up and down with excitement, obviously to the middle finger you’ve presented to their dad while they share their hopes of exploring later. He motions for you to come over and he makes room for you to squeeze in front of him.
“How long were you standing there?” Taehyung asks you, grabbing your hand and putting the spatula in it. He guides it to the skillet that the eggs are frying on and silently teaches you how to make them perfectly while he speaks.
“Long enough,” you answer.
Taehyung hums and continues to move your hand in the correct motions so the eggs won’t burn. “Jade likes her eggs fluffy, and Khloe likes hers cheesy. If you keep them separate like this, you can save a lot of time.”
He allows you to do it on your own, but you aren’t sure if you’re doing what you’re supposed to.
“Am I doing it right?”
“Yup. Now you want to flip your bacon. They like it really crispy so it’s okay if it overcooks a little bit,” he informs, watching you turn the strip over. “Good job. They look almost ready. You can fix their eggs and I’ll take over this part, okay.”
You follow his instructions and place the fluffy eggs on Jade’s Minnie Mouse plate and the cheesy eggs on Khloe’s Scooby Doo themed plate, earning a small praise from Taehyung. You smile because you feel like you accomplished so much in the past few minutes. Yesterday you thought you’d missed your chance in being involved in the girls’ life.
“The plan was to bring you breakfast in bed, but I thought you’d enjoy this more.”
You turn to him after giving Khloe her meal. “Thank you. This means a lot. I should already know how to cook for them so I really appreciate you teaching me.”
“You don’t have to know how to cook or do any of the things everyone says you’re supposed to know how to do. But if you want to learn, I’m here to help you. We all are…the girls too.”
“That’s more than I deserve,” you whisper and he shakes his head.
“Last night you told me to forgive myself, I need you to do the same…because we were never upset with you. We love you, _______.” Taehyung suddenly snakes his arms around your waist and pulls you in for a hug. “I think it’s time for us to forget about fixing our marriage; it was over before we started. But our friendship…I think that is what’s going to get us through this.”
You agree. Whenever the subject of your marriage is brought up, you’re both reminded of all the horrible memories that come with it. However, you still remember how close you were before, and how close you are now that you’re treating each other kindly out of love instead of obligation. It’s healthier, a safer environment for not only the girls, but for two people who have both been battling with demons of the past.
Last night was fun, but it wasn’t enough to consider falling back into the cycle. You’re glad you and Taehyung are on the same page because you need to be in order to raise your daughters.
“Yeah, I’d like that actually. We’re happier like this, and I don’t want to lose it all trying to rebuild a toxic situation. This is perfect…our perfect.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” he sighs.
Jade and Khloe continue to eat their food while you and Taehyung chat. However, Khloe’s voice draws you both away from the conversation.
“Mom and dad are so cool,” she comments before taking a bite of her eggs.
Jade chimes in and makes you smile from ear to ear. “Mommy’s the coolest, though. Daddy says she’s a superhero.”
“Yeah, and her eggs taste better than daddy’s,” Khloe declares and your eyes grow wider.
You look at Taehyung and he dramatically rips off his Doc McStuffins apron before waltzing towards the stairs.
“Well, since my services are no longer needed, I’ll be off to take a shower. You ladies better be ready by ten; we need to drop your mom off at her spa appointment and then plan more secret stuff that she doesn’t know about yet.”
You all giggle as his heavy footsteps ascend the stairs, complaining about being replaced by someone who can’t even boil water without supervision. You give your girls a fist bump and get them to help you with the dishes.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, Khloe.”
“Dad told me to give you this because he said he was too nervous to give it to you himself.” She holds out your wedding rings in her little palm and your hand clutches your chest. “He says you don’t have to wear it, but he feels better knowing they’re with you.”
You take them from her with a smile, fighting back the urge to shed a tear. For now, you place them on your finger because nowhere else seems right. You’re also aware of how Taehyung still wears his. Maybe it brings him as much comfort as it brings you. Your marriage was the worst, but two beautiful children were created during that time. Because of them, you were able to see your true place in each other’s life.
It doesn’t really have a title, but you know wherever you are now feels great. You’re family, and you’ll always be. Doesn’t matter if it isn’t what the world deems as “right.” What matters is that everyone is happy and the love is strong.
“What are you going to wear for your date tonight, mom—”
“Jade, that’s a secret!” Khloe shouts at her little sister. You can only laugh because you already heard him asking Kaylin to babysit when you were at the park yesterday. You knew he was up to something.
“Sorry. Please don’t tell him I told you,” she pleads.
You tap your chin in pretend thought. “Hmm, I guess I could keep a secret for one small fee.”
“What is it? I’ll do it!”
You squat in front of her and gently tap her nose with your finger.
“Gimme some kisses,” you request and they both tackle you and shower you with affection. You lie on your back, not even thinking about moving or getting them off of you. These moments heal everything that’s ever hurt and you’d never take them for granted again.
As the three of you wallow and play, the figure standing at the top of the stairs goes unnoticed by you. Taehyung watches his family with a proud and grateful smile. The same walls that used to witness so much fighting and torment can now be cleansed by the sounds of laughter and unconditional love.
This is how it should have always been, and he’s thankfully you both were able to save it in time. He looks at the diamond ring adorning your hand and a bigger smile forms on his face.
You two will be fine, no matter the purpose for wearing them. Your bond is unbreakable, and whatever the universe has in store, you’ll both be ready to take it on.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of those who celebrate and sending love to those who have lost their mom or to those who have lost a child whether they were in the womb or in this world. I personally have experienced both and I know how tough today is from some of us.
With much love, Dee. I hope this brings some comfort to those who may need it.
#taehyung x reader#bts x reader#taehyung fanfic#taehyung smut#bts smut#bts angst#taehyung angst#taehyung fluff#bts fluff#btsdreamcourt#bangtanbathhouse#bangtansorciere#bts imagine#bts fanfic#taehyung x you#sugakookitty
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lion primary + badger secondary (bird model)
ie A HOUSE MATCH !!
Hellooo, I’m sorry for bothering you but I’ve found this blog and I absolutely love your character analysis and overall thought about the SHC system, and I could use some help?
I’ve known the system for a while now, since the old SHC tumblr times, and while understanding my current primary situation has been quite easy, I’m having A LOT of trouble with my secondary and it’s becoming a bit of a issue for me because the more I think about it, the more confused I become, to the point where it’s upsetting me a bit.
First thing first, my Primary is a very “standard” Lion, the whole “you feel if something is right or not and if you do something that’s not right to you you feel bad/ill/it’s wrong” is extremely me. I had some doubts about a Badger model, but I think it’s just that my personal ideals and values align a lot with a Badger worldview, since I grew in a very Badger society and family (very leftist, a lot of emphasis on equality and valuing and creating communities). Reading various description/interpretations of primary Lion always feels right, while reading primary Badger always makes me think “yeah, this is all good and nice, BUT…” so this was quite easy to sort out (no pun intended).
Are you me? So far... I could have written this. It’s possible I *might* be biased going forward.
When it comes to secondaries, I see a lot of myself in Bird descriptions: I make spreadsheets for everything.
Pretty Bird.
I am a crafter with an apparently endless supply of books and tutorials and supplies ready, and the enthusiasm to share them.
That sounds more Badger.
I am the mom friend
Badger.
who always has what’s needed in their bag.
Bird.
I am that one person you can count on knowing a funny or interesting anecdote about almost any topic, from the mundane to the truly obscure. Learning new things, about any topic, is literally one of my biggest pleasures in life.
Bird [model?] Whichever one isn’t your secondary is a model you clearly love.
I take pride in all these things, but I honestly have trouble understanding if I like using them as tools because they help me with my ADHD and so I received a very strong positive enforcement using them and I kept the ones I like, or if I started doing them because they are what I like doing and coincidentally they help me managing my symptoms or better navigate the world in my day to day life.
Could be either, but modeling Bird because you’re neurodivergent is very much a thing.
Also, while I love planning, when it comes to making decisions I tend to gather all information and summarize it in a way that makes sense to me so I can visualize the issue in my mind as complete and detailed as possible, but the final decision tends to feel a bit… impulsive, to me?, there’s always A LOT of gut feeling involved, and when I don’t follow it usually it ends up being a wrong or subpar decision. I do need to gather all the available information about the issue/situation/item/people, but rather than making my decision by comparison, I use the information to make sure that I’m “seeing” the truth (or as close to it as it is possible) and then once I feel safe that I’m not overlooking anything important I just KNOW what is the correct decision.
That’s a Lion primary making a call.
Could this simply be a very strong primary interfering with the decision-making, even when it’s not about ideals but more mundane things?
Decision making is always a primary thing. Mundane stuff included. Mundane stuff is important.
On the other hand, I am an extremely hard working person (I am changing jobs right now because I feel like my old bosses are making more and more difficult for me to just do my job properly and without needing to cut corners, and it just feels wrong to me).
Oh good lord. I am ready to sort you as a Badger secondary solely on the basis of THAT.
People tell me I’m a very good listener and that I am especially good at helping others unravel their thoughts when they’re all confused and tangled because I ask the right questions. I seem to gain other people’s trust easily and often I get told gossip or secrets before others.
Badger. Also DAMN but that’s relatable. I think you might house-match me.
I got told several times by previous bosses that I should look into becoming a team leader because people like me and I make them get along better.
Sounds like a Lion/Badger combo.
People get attached to me very quickly and when I have problems the stream of folks asking if they can help or just checking in is always way more than I expect.
Isn’t it weird how that happens?
This all sounds like Badger stuff, from the descriptions I read, but many of them are not things I actively enjoy doing, I just.. do them because it would be weird to do otherwise? Or it feels like they happen to me with no effort on my part.
Because they’re just you. It’s just who you are.
I think they might be simply a result of me growing up in a society that values hard work and being kind to others, or just me being a likeable person
Not everyone finds this easy. Not even close. I have read so many testimonials written by people in Badger secondary households killing themselves trying to fit into this model. Wanting isn’t enough. Having examples around you isn’t enough.
or maybe coping mechanisms I had to learn in order to “pass” as neurotypical but as I wrote the more think and read about Birds and Badgers and their differences, the more I get confused and frustrated.
Now I know I’m projecting, but all my neurotypical coping mechanisms come out of the Bird secondary toolbox.
But it would make sense since I burned out badly in my teens from trying to always try to be perfect for my family, my friends, my teachers, society
That sounds like a young Badger secondary, more than a young Bird secondary.
and when I finally found who I really wanted to be I resolved to never let anyone define what or how I should be ever again (hello there, Lion primary!)
I hear that.
After a lifetime of beating myself up for not living up to the absurdly high expectations I set up for myself, I have decided that the only way to stay sane for me is to do the groundwork, be as prepared as I can
Bird
put in the work I should
Badger
but once I’m in the thick of it just… ride the wave. And now I got to the point where I have the confidence that I am smart enough to learn the basics of a new skill on the fly, if needed.
To me, this is so fundamentally, so spiritually Badger secondary. You don’t have tools. You are a tool. You made yourself into one. And that moment where you can just trust yourself to catch the world, absorb it into yourself, and become whatever it needs you to be... it’s ecstasy.
I’d say that lack of time is my worst enemy, but due/thanks to the ADHD that’s not true most of the time, since lack of time is what enables me to get past the executive dysfunction in the first place, so I’ll say I have a love-hate relationship with it. Doing things just before a deadline is it’s own kind of high, after all (I’m not saying it’s healthy).
At the base of your soul, you’re not really a Bird prepper/planner.
A practical example: I usually don’t like platforming games much, but I am LOVING Immortals: Fenyx Rising because in most situations, there is a “best” way to do things but you can also get creative by using different skills, using specific items, finding loopholes, or a combination of all of them.
Sounds like a Bird secondary having fun. [a fun model?]
When I fail a level/combat I don’t get frustrated because I know that I just have to try a few more times until I find the solution that feels right FOR ME, even if it’s not the most efficient ones. And when I do it feels great, even if I look a at guide afterwards and there’s a waaay easier solution! I usually feel a bit silly for not “seeing it” but also think something like “well, I think MY way is more fun!”
Oh yeah, a Bird secondary would not have that reaction. That is the sacred Badger consistency of method. How you do something matters equally as much as the final product.
When I cook, I usually find a recipe I like and try it as written, then I make small adjustments to improve it, see how it turns out, and so on until I have a recipe that is MY recipe, one I really like and that I know well enough to use as a basis to be changed if needed, knowing exactly how the change will affect the end result. I think this is why I prefer baking to other kinds of cooking, since it’s much more akin to chemistry I feel like I have more control over what a change will do.
On it’s own this could be a description of rapid-fire Bird. And you clearly have Bird, you have a lot of it. You love it.
So I guess that what really matters to me is being able to do things my way so that I can enjoy the process and live up to my standards instead of external ones?
But then you say something like this... it’s about the process... it’s about the method... it’s about something coming up to your own personal standards. And that’s so Badger.
This ended up being very lengthy… I’ve tried shortening it but English isn’t my first language and I was afraid I might come across not clearly.
Your English is perfect, and insanely clear. You’re clearer than I am.
Thank you again for the blog, I especially like your DS9 characters’ analysis and I am low-key hoping for more :)
I’m particularly proud of those ones. I’d love to do more, but before that I would have to go back and re-watch the show, or at least key character episodes. I’m not going to sort from memory. That would be doing a show I love, and a number of extremely complex characters a disservice. And it wouldn’t be nearly as fun.
(it’s that whole Badger integrity-of-method thing, you know how it goes.)
#sortinghatchats#sortme#wisteria sorts#lion primary#badger secondary#bird model#my lion badger#adhd#submission
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I need to gush about Honor Bound for a bit, I apologize for how long this might get, but I figured it can’t be too wrong to show gratitude for something you hold dear! I found Honor Bound through the “Bleeding through the Bandages” chapter in book 4. I got into whump around that time, mainly as a coping mechanism for my own pain, and I saw that chapter pop up on my dashboard and I didn’t really consider it was part of a bigger story and I needed a distraction so I was like, might as well. And then it ended up being the best depiction of what I was feeling that I’ve ever read; not just the pain, but the frustration, and the exhaustion, and the mind-numbing boredom shown in other chapters too. I read the previous chapters of book 4 and then decided I wanted Context and also More Sam and then I read the first three books in two days. And then I reread them all in one day because I needed to reprocess the journey that was. And then I reread all of them again with book 4 when it finished, and then religiously followed book 5 through the worst time I’ve ever had, and reread the previous books multiple times as 5 was updating as well. Needless to say it quickly became my comfort series, and on multiple occasions waiting for a new chapters was one of those little joys that kept me going. I am so, so thankful I found it when I did. The Honor Bound family is like no other found family, at least to me. All of them are such complex individuals, but their interpersonal relationships are just so deep and meaningful and each is so incredibly unique, I could honestly write essays upon essays analyzing each one. And the way you connect everything and weave tropes into the overarching plot is just Insane, it’s truly like you’re… retelling a story that actually happened, you know? Like these are real people and real stories. Because I can’t com prehend how you come up with some of this stuff. And there are so, so many “cinematic” moments that are just. So raw and hard-hitting and just stay with you. Big and small moments alike. The Ryan reveal, Joseph Stormbeck’s death (best death scene ever by the way?? I’ve told everyone I know about it when I read it I was absolutely in Awe. Never recovering from that), every moment between Sam and Isaac (I also have a sibling who I’m not technically related to by blood but would like, probably die for, so I just really appreciated everything about them and we need more stories like theirs) (and also every time Sam called Isaac out. Good for them), Sam talking Gavin through his caning holy shit that was a religious moment, Gray’s slowburn adoption of Gavin and when Gavin decided he wanted to be a Uriah (and how his initial thought to getting asked what he wants to be called was “Moore”. And then he was like “Well fuck.” Love that dumbass), just every single thing Finn ever did for the family, Finn and Ellis and Gavin’s monologue about giving Finn a concussion (!! chills!!) and their reunion after Coleen, Vera and Tori and the Work Song scene??, Vera and Tori lowkey adopting Edrissa and Edrissa’s character development and her rants about pretty things and her and Sam and Zachariah’s adorable Young Love that made me so giddy right along with them and Sam and Zachariah’s meet-ugly (I mean it was kinda sweet), Gray being the parental figure we all needed, and Nata and Zelda and Nata helping Sam (and now Gavin!!) and Vera being so proud of her puppy. Also, Isaac and Gavin’s relationship…Insane. The most dramatic enemies to lovers and I love them for it. Invented love. It’s so crazy to read the beginning and see how far everyone’s come and think about everything that has happened from that one Whumptober prompt. It’s a lot but it also makes so, so much sense. I can’t imagine a version where Isaac and Gavin aren’t together in some way (and since I started out of order, when I realized it was a enemies to lovers I was really excited to see how all of that happened. Especially after reading the first book, because it (1/2)
(2/2) was like, how the hell are they gonna get from point A to point B. No way those are the same characters, how is this ever going to get justified? And then Gavin ended up having the best character development Ever, and I love that, I love that he had to work for it and that we as the readers have to work to love him too, because it pays off). And now the ending of book 5! Oh God. On that note, you’re so good at writing villains; making them human and also absolutely detestable and killing them off in the most satisfactory way tailored to them. There was never a point after a major arc where I thought “oh, I wish this had happened instead of x, I wish this had gone this way instead”. Also, to go back on the topic of pain (physical and mental both)! The way everyone copes with it differently, it’s the same thing but it’s unique to the person dealing with it and that’s so clear in your characters, and I also love, love how you made a point of showing how pain changes people because that’s something that I find so often gets ignored, whether voluntarily or not, even in whump. But, yeah, pain definitely changes people. And that’s not always bad, and it’s not always drastic, but it happens and it’s not a shameful thing. Everyone breaks. And HB made me believe that I was allowed to break, and that it’s still possible to live a life you think is worth it. And I won’t even get into how much it’d taught me about friendship and family and how it made me reflect on my own relationships with my loved ones (especially Isaac’s perspective, oh God). It’s just such a rewarding journey. That’s the best word to describe it, I think. And this latest chapter: “The sun shone brightly on the hood of the car, so bright Isaac almost had to close his eyes. The wind moved through the trees that swayed on either side of the lane. Isaac rolled his window down, and he could hear the birds calling to each other, and the sound of the wind rustling the long grasses that smelled so green. With each heartbeat, Gavin relaxed in his arms, his head falling against Isaac’s shoulder, his breaths becoming deep and slow again. A tear rolled down Isaac’s cheek, and he hid his smile against Gavin’s hair.” That image. It’s so vivid and visceral. It gives me the exact same feeling as spring after a long winter (which is…super fitting, actually). It’s that moment of pure contentedness when you realize it’d all been worth it. I don’t know, it just really, really struck me, and I’m so glad the book ended on that note. Despite knowing more hurt awaits, even that feels okay, because happiness will always find a way to seep through. And God, do they deserve that! It’s gonna be heartbreaking when their story ends, but I also know it’s gonna feel right. Like a peaceful retirement. Just, thank you for sharing this world with us, Athena. I hope you’re aware how meaningful this story is to so many of us. And being able to follow it in real-time and hear your inputs and chat about the characters and scream in the comments and reblogs is such a privilege (and being able to read it for free at all? Five books (six counting Vera)! For free! Though I will be getting books 1 and 2 soon hopefully actually). I cannot wait for book 6 and I Will be crying about book 5 until then (and long afterwards, most likely). And I wish you all the best in everything you take on next.<3
Wow, I... wow. I had to set down my phone and just sit in silence after I read this. I’m just... so humbled and amazed that you were able to connect so much with the story and the characters. I’m so glad that you saw something of yourself, and that you were able to find comfort in it. I find comfort in them, too, just knowing that the characters are there when I need to write them.
It’s important to me for things to turn out ‘right.’ That’s part of why I write whump: the bad guys can be defeated, the good guys emerge safe, and love prevails. Writing Isaac and Gavin’s love story was absolutely the biggest surprise for me, it really did feel like I was the last to know. But I treasure them both so much and I love writing them. The family is so fun to explore, with each relationship being so different from the other. I’ve poured so much of myself into this story and into every single one of the characters.
Book 6 is going to be such a challenge. It’s the last book in the series, and the one that’ll (hopefully) tie everything together. I’m giving myself a little break, but I’m also a little scared to start it because once I start it, then each chapter will be closer to the end, and then it’ll be over. I have a few more things in store for the family but at the end, I hope they’re safe, happy, and together. These characters mean more to me than I can say and I’m so happy I’ll have you with me along the way.
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i’m gonna take a minute here on new year’s eve to do a little self-promo for the writing i’ve done over the course of this year, the same as i did last year
it’s been a weirdly productive year for me. though i spent much of the first half of the year not writing anything at all, it eventually became one of my biggest coping mechanisms, and i’ve managed to end up with over 103k words posted to ao3 in 2020, which is the most i’ve ever published in a single year. it took a hell of a lot of effort in a year when it’s been hard to focus on... anything at all, so i’m really proud of that, but i’m also kind of hoping that maybe next year i won’t quite make it there again because at some point i’ll be busy out doing other things and not sitting at home feverishly dumping words into a google doc to think about something other than the anxiety crawling under my skin
thank you to every single one of you who has read, kudos’d, commented, or bookmarked one of my fics or liked, replied to, or reblogged one of my posts about my fics. you have been a bright spot in these bleak times, and i appreciate you more than i can say! 💗💗💗
on to the fics...
*
happy endings are new beginnings
Thoughts on homes and happiness and having to say goodbye.
this little fic written back in february is about missing things before they’re even gone, which was definitely a big watching s6 mood. it’s a bittersweet thing, and it’s not really canon compliant at this point of course, but i still like it a whole lot
*
bloom
Patrick gives David a one-month anniversary gift.
savor
Patrick gives David a two-month anniversary gift.
sing
Patrick gives David a three-month anniversary gift.
this little series of fics that i called tempting fate was salvaged from some old google docs from 2019, where they were originally chapters of a longer fic about a full year worth of monthly anniversary gifts. sometimes ideas don’t pan out the way you want them to, but that doesn’t mean the effort you put into them was wasted and that there weren’t good things to be found there. it feels like a very optimist-in-2020 mood to have gone back to resurrect these nuggets of joy from something otherwise abandoned and lost
*
just wanna tell you how i’m feeling
I Really Like You: a mixtape for David Rose, carefully curated by Patrick Brewer
the idea for this one came from an ask here on tumblr, and it was a lot of fun picking out what songs patrick would put on this mixtape. it’s just a sweet, happy early relationship fic about the ways we show that we’re falling in love before we’re able to say the words
*
the most important thing (isn’t baseball)
David Rose insists he is done letting baseball players into his bed and his life.
Of course, it would be easier to believe him if he could stop thinking about the cute but cocky catcher he met at his parents’ annual All-Star party.
this of course is my big, 18 months in the making, nearly 65k word labor of love for the year. yes, it’s a story about baseball, but much more than that, it’s a story about falling in love, not just with a person but also with the things that are important to them. it is by far the work i am most proud of, and even though i know that many of you who have read it are not at all interested in baseball, i appreciate so much that you gave it a go anyway. and an extra thank you to everyone who followed it as a wip and commented along the way—thank you for trusting me and being so supportive at every turn
*
hopes as high as a kite
When Patrick goes home for the holidays to come out to his parents, he discovers it’s harder to do than he had expected.
A story about leaving things behind, letting go, and learning to fly.
this is a fic that’s been bouncing around in my head since spring of last year, but i think that maybe it could only have been told this year. it’s been a year filled with fear and frustration and longing, and i think all that made its way into patrick’s story in a way it wouldn’t have before, so i’m glad i waited to tell it. ultimately, it’s a holiday story that’s a little sad while still being so hopeful, about the friends who show up for us when we need them and get us through the hard times, which is something that feels particularly relevant to me this year
*
if the fates allow
Through the years, these two will be together.
A lifetime of Christmas parties spent at the kids’ table.
i kept toying with the idea of trying to publish something else before the new year and had ultimately decided to focus on other things, until i watched a dustin milligan movie randomly one night and immediately started outlining this fic. as you may have noticed, i am typically a fairly slow writer, so it was a fun challenge to try to turn off my inner critic and editor and just pump out a fic as quickly as i could. i definitely don’t want to write that way all the time, but it was an exercise in leaning into my instincts and not second-guessing myself so much, which i think we can all use a reminder of sometimes
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Proud of You
It was over. They won.
It took a while for the idea to settle down on them. They knew their chances were slim, very slim, so they had all made up with the fact that they wouldn’t come back from that one final battle. The famous blaze of glory they all knew would be their end.
But they won. Their job was done, mostly.
They celebrated, they had to. It was a pleasant surprise to be able to celebrate a win without the anguish of having lost someone in the battle, no bittersweet laughs, no toasts in name of the fallen, just them. All four of them, alive and well, save for a few wounds that wouldn’t leave more than a scar and a reminder of that day.
The first to go to bed was Jack, the poor kid had the heaviest weight on his shoulders since before he was even born and he was tired, very tired. He had waved to them with a soft “good night” before leaving the room.
An hour or so later Sam got up and yawned, stretching his whole body in the process. He piled up all the empty pizza boxes from the map table into his arms and patted Dean in the shoulder on his way out.
Dean and Cas stayed for longer, sitting in comfortable silence, like they were used to. Talking about unimportant things and sipping whiskey from their glasses from time to time.
After a couple of hours had passed Dean got up.
“I’ll pick this up and then go to bed” he said, starting to clean up the table.
“Let me help you” said Cas, also getting up and picking up some of the beer bottles that were left from dinner.
They walked down to the kitchen, where Cas threw out the empty bottles while Dean cleaned a couple of glasses.
It wasn’t long until they finished and Dean started to walk to the door, Cas was expecting the usual pat on the shoulder as a “goodnight” but was extremely surprised when Dean pulled him into a hug.
He leaned into him with a soft smile on his face.
“I’m proud of you.” Dean whispered tightening his grip on the angel.
The words caught Cas off guard. He took a second to process them before shutting down his eyes strongly, because they started to burn a little with tears threatening to fall down, and reciprocating the tightness of the embrace.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, which is longer than they’ve ever hugged, until Dean finally let go.
But instead of completely stepping aside from him he cupped one side of Cas’ face with his hand and stared at him with both intensity and softness, searching for the angel’s attention.
“I'm so proud of you Cas,” he repeated a little louder this time “you're the strongest person I know... you've been through hell over and over and you're still standing strong. You've always been there for us, for me, and I could never thank you enough for all that you've done, all that you gave up, just to help me. I know I haven't been always the easiest person to be around, hell,” he chuckled “I know I'm almost never an easy person to be around but I'm very glad you never gave up on me... on us.”
Cas felt like he was melting, he didn’t know how much he needed to hear all those things until they actually came out of Dean’s mouth. He grabbed dean’s wrist, the hunter’s hand still cupping his face.
“Us?” Castiel asked, unsure of who Dean was referring to.
Their little game of extending their confessions to others out of fear of being rejected had run long enough. Sometimes they even wondered if the emphasis on the singular pronouns was really there to be analysed or if they were simply wishing the other felt that way about them.
“Yes, dumbass, us. You and me.” Dean answered with a soft smile on his face.
Cas could feel that something about the hunter had changed, and he was right. He seemed freer. He assumed it must've been the relief of finally taking down Chuck and the reassurance they were given that the world they love would never be in apocalyptic danger again. He knew Dean wanted to retire, he deserved it but he would've never allowed himself to ignore the call of duty, or what he believed was his main priority: save everyone else but himself.
He even started acting more relaxed, his actions, his words, all reflections of everything he kept deep inside himself in order to keep himself cold and ready for everything and anything. But that was pass them now, he got to relax now, he was finally safe.
“I'm proud of you too, Dean” Cas said after a few seconds “and thank you for teaching me how to... be human. You showed me what was worth fighting for and you helped me break out of heaven's... stupid rules, more than once. You gave me a new purpose; one I was happy to serve and thanks to that I got to experience life and the world like I've never had before and I wouldn't change that for anything. The things we've shared truly are the best part of my life.”
The angel took a small pause, which Dean took as an opportunity to caress Cas’ cheek with his thumb.
“And I'm so sorry that you got caught in the middle of every heavenly plan. It was unfair of us, of Chuck, to put the responsibility of saving The World on your shoulders”
Dean opened his mouth to say something but Cas quickly continued.
“Let me finish, please. You never deserved that, neither did Sam but now it's over and you get to be free, Dean. You don't have to save everyone anymore, it's time for you to focus on you because we both know you never did and now you have no excuses”
Dean was taken aback by Cas’ words. He knew his unhealthy coping mechanisms and mental health were common knowledge but he never expected Cas to break the invisible deal to not talk about it and confront him. He never imagined that one of the biggest concerns Castiel had was his wellbeing.
“I love you, Cas" was all he could answer.
The words actually escaped from his mouth; his brain too tired to stop them. He surprised himself and he surprised Cas who was looking at him wide eyed.
But he felt so much lighter than he had in years, this big secret he kept holding onto felt too heavy and now that he had finally let it go, he felt like he could fully breathe again.
“I was always too scared to say it” Dean continued letting out a painful chuckle. “I was too afraid of accepting it and terrified that you’d reject me. But I want to let myself be happy for once.”
Cas moved his hand from dean’s wrist to his hand, pressing it against his face and leaning into it with a smile.
“I love you too, Dean. I always have” he confessed.
Dean smiled at the words and brought his other hand to Cas’ face, fully cupping it. Cas leaned his head towards Dean’s, making their foreheads touch. They stayed like that for a moment, absorbing the sense of safety and calm they gave each other, something that could only be accurately described as home.
Eventually, Dean leaned a little bit more in to let his lips meet Cas’, who quickly reciprocated.
Although it being something new for them, it felt familiar, like they were always supposed to end up there or like maybe even they already lived this, in another life, on another universe.
“I’ve waited too damn long to do that” said dean when they separated.
“Yeah well,” answered Cas with a smile “you better get used to this”
The sound of an alarm interrupted them. It was Sam’s marking what should be the beginning of his annoyingly active morning routine.
The reminder of the passage of time made Dean remember how tired he actually was and so, he let out a yawn.
“You should sleep” Cas said, freeing himself from Dean’s hands in order to encourage him to go.
“Yeah…” Dean answered, moving towards the door once again.
He stopped at the threshold and turned back to Cas.
“Are you coming?” he asked, offering his hand.
Cas took it.
“Of course.”
#destiel#deancas#dean winchester#castiel#cas#destiel fic#supernatural fic#destiel ficlet#if you like it please let me know !!
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Far From Fickle | JJ x OC
Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide, death, etc. Mild panic attack. Drowning.
A/N: I wanted to write a fanfiction, I’m not really sure how long it will be. It’s through the POV of an OC named Payton, and I’m thinking her love interest is going to be JJ. Constructive criticism is always, always, always welcomed but if you’re mean to me I’ll probably cry.
Payton Montgomery’s entire world is turned upside down when her twin sister is in a surfing accident and put on life support. The summer has arrived, and Payton is anxious to distract herself with anything she can: an apprenticeship at her father’s family owned funeral home, a newfound social life at the boneyard, a murder or two, and maybe even a summer fling with a certain wounded blonde surferboy.
Chapter one
Payton Montgomery stood at the edge of the surf, her gaze entranced on the waves crashing against the sand. Crashing had never been a word she would have used to describe the waves before the incident. But lately everything was crashing, or falling, or suffocating around her. Before, when she thought of the beach she thought of the silent and graceful waves, pushing and pulling. She thought of peaceful sounds and being lulled to sleep. These were not the same waves she’d watched countless times with her sister. These waves were violent. She flinched each time they fell against the shore.
The sun was just rising over the shore, and Payton felt as if she’d gotten little to no sleep. Granted, falling asleep in a hospital chair was never rest inducing.
“Standing there by the water, you look just like her,” a voice muttered behind her. “Like Carter.”
“Well, we have practically the same face,” Payton muttered. She forced her eyes from the water. “Being twins and all.”
“But I’ve always been able to tell you apart,” the small brunette was standing beside her now. Payton wondered how she hadn’t noticed her approaching before.
“Sarah Cameron,” Payton let out a small huff. “Let me guess, I’ve finally earned your pity.”
“Maybe if your sister actually dies,” Sarah replied with a nonchalant shrug. Payton could tell she was kidding, but the comment still felt like a slap in the face. She tried to stop herself from physically flinching.
“Well according to the doctors, you don’t have much longer to wait.”
“Are you okay?” Sarah asked, her hand falling lightly on Payton’s shoulder.
“What do you want, Sarah?” Payton asked. “Because the last time you gave a shit about me or my sister, it was seventh grade. I haven’t heard from you in nearly five years. You weren’t there when our mom died. I don’t understand why you’re trying to be here now.”
“I just wanted to check on you,” Sarah muttered. “I don’t expect to be friends or whatever. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t--”
“Gonna off myself or something?”
“Right,” Sarah frowned. “That.”
“Rest assured,” Payton said, “I won’t harm myself or anyone else during this trying time.”
“I know I wasn’t the best friend to you…” she began, but Payton cut her off.
“No kidding.”
“There’s a bonfire tonight,” Sarah tried again.
“At the boneyard?” Payton raised a brow. “That’s right, I heard the kook princess had a pogue boyfriend.”
“He’s a person,” Sarah interjected with a slight eye roll.
“You don’t have to lecture me on the humanity of each stereotypical clique,” Payton let out a sigh. “I’m friends with both.”
“The invitation stands,” Sarah told her. She tried out a soft smile, but ended up dropping it. “I’m really, really sorry about Carter, Payt.”
She wanted to scream at her to stop talking about her sister like she was dead. She wasn’t dead yet. She might not even die. She wanted to stamp her feet and kick the sand and throw herself into the ocean and make peace with the water that took so much from her two short weeks ago. She did none of these things, however. She simply said, “Thank you,” and turned her attention back toward the surf.
***
Payton’s eyes fell onto her sister. She was lying in the hospital bed, the machines around her beeping erratically. Her chocolate brown hair fell in messy curls around her shoulders, wild and unkept. A splash of freckles lay across her nose. Her pouty, deep red lips were chapped from dehydration. It was exactly like looking into a mirror. A mirror that Payton wanted to smash.
“I really wish you’d wake up,” Payton huffed. She took a seat next to her sister, a book in her hand. The Outsiders, a school reading project that Payton had coincidentally already read a handful of times out of boredom. After her sister's incident, she used the book as a coping mechanism. She had read and reread the book over and over again, distracting herself from the horror of her life.
Carter Montgomery was an avid surfer and risk taker. Payton wasn’t the biggest fan of the water, but she loved to sit at the beach and read while her sister caught some waves. The first day of summer the two had gone to the beach. The waves were a little rough, and Carter fell off of her board. She washed up into the break zone and knocked her head pretty badly. She fell unconscious underwater and nearly drowned. Her sister was put on life support almost immediately. No one really expected her to wake up.
“Hey Payton,” her father muttered, walking into the hospital room. “How are you this morning? I didn’t hear you come in last night.”
“I didn’t,” Payton replied, flipping the page of her book. “I crashed here.”
“That sounds healthy,” her father mused. “Listen, I hired some extra help this summer. What’s that boy’s name? Heyward? His dad runs that seafood place.”
Jason Montgomery was the proud owner of Montgomery Funeral Home, a small town family business that had been in the Montgomery family for several generations. He was a tall, built man with sandy hair peppered with streaks of gray.
“Pope,” Payton told him. “I thought he worked for his dad.”
“He wants to be a mortician,” her father explained. “Asked for some part time hours for the experience.”
“So you’ve replaced her already,” Payton mumbled, slamming her book shut.
“I didn’t replace her, Payt,” her father frowned.
“Could’ve fooled me,” she replied, standing up and turning toward the door.
“Where are you going?” her father demanded, attempting to block the door.
“I’m going to work,” Payton told him, raising a brow, “is that a problem?”
“No,” her father murmured. “No, I think that will be good for you.”
“Gee, glad I have your approval,” Payton rolled her eyes and shoved past him.
***
“So I don’t think we’ve officially met, I’m Pope,” the dark skinned boy began, a soft smile on his face. “I’m sorry, which one are you?”
“Don’t act like you’re unaware of Carter’s condition,” Payton muttered. Her eyes were glued on the elderly woman on the dressing table. She was carefully sculpting the pink foundation around a bruise.
“Right,” Pope replied. “I’m really sorry about your sister, Payton…”
“Don’t be,” Payton brought her eyes up to meet his for a brief moment before bringing them back down to the woman.
“So, what are you, um, doing exactly?”
“Pink takes out the black of the bruises,” she explained. She collected another brush, dabbing the tip in an ivory foundation. “They want an open casket.”
“What happened to her?”
“She fell,” she told him. “The majority of bodies we get around here are old people. They’re usually banged and bruised, you know, ‘cause they’re so fragile.”
“Right,” he murmured. There was a long awkward silence before he began again. “Are you going to that thing at the boneyard?”
“I don’t know,” Payton admitted, “Parties aren’t really my thing.”
“They’re not so bad,” Pope told her, a shy smile playing on his lips. “Just depends on who you hangout with while you’re there.” Payton thought about this for a moment. Who would she hangout with? She didn’t exactly have many friends. Carter was her best friend, and when she thought about going somewhere without Carter she felt numb inside.
“Maybe I’ll check it out,” she told him. “I could use a distraction.”
***
The music was a little too loud for Payton’s taste. She began the party at the keg, accepting graciously as Sarah’s latest boytoy handed her a red solo cup. She stood around awkwardly for a few moments while John B attempted small talk.
“And how about this weather?” he asked, motioning around him.
“Beautiful,” Payton nodded, a small snicker escaping her lips. “Just beautiful.”
“Are you making fun of me right now?” John B asked, cocking a brow at her.
“Oh, never,” Payton shook her head. She took another swig of her drink.
“I would hope not,” John B mused, “Since I’m the one who so graciously invited you to this shindig.”
“Shindig?” Payton nearly choked on her beer stifling a laugh. “Sarah invited me, actually.”
“Oh, he’s actually so pussy whipped they’ve morphed into one person,” a voice called from beside them. Moments later JJ Maybank settled beside John B, rustling his fingers through his hair with a sly grin. “It’s quite romantic, really.”
“Sounds romantic,” Payton agreed. She didn’t know JJ well, only that he came from the wrong side of the tracks as her father would say.
“Oh, it is. They’re planning a June wedding.”
“Guess my invite got lost in the mail,” Payton fake pouted.
“Don’t worry, you can be my plus one, dollface,” JJ gave her a wink.
“Lucky me!” she enthused. She took a final swig of her beer and gave the boys a nod.
Payton ended the party where she began her day, staring blankly at the ocean. The waves were crashing against the shore. She stuck one foot into the water and stumbled a bit. Was this what being tipsy felt like? She had never drank before.
“Payton Montgomery at a kegger?” a voice came from behind her. It was familiar. Kelce, her sister’s ex boyfriend. She let out a sigh.
“What do you want?”
“Are you afraid to get into the water, princess?” he demanded, taking a step toward her. Payton sucked in a breath, panic starting to set in. “Afraid you’ll drown like your sister?”
“Yeah she is!” Rafe let out a dry laugh. “She’s terrified. Why don’t you help her out, Kelce?”
“Please don’t…” Payton whimpered, but Kelce was already moving toward her. Topper and Rafe were on either side of him, blocking her only escape routes. Before she even had time to process what was happening Rafe grabbed her around the waist and threw her over his shoulder.
“Don’t be such a pussy,” Topper hissed. “We’re trying to help you!” Payton let out another whimper, her eyes closed tightly as the water began to envelope her. Rafe waded deeper and deeper into the water and threw her off of him. Her nails caught around his neck, scraping the surface as he threw her.
“You bitch!” he hissed, kicking his leg out at her, shoving her farther into the water.
Payton’s head was hovering above the water as she silently spoke to herself. It’s okay. You can swim. It’s okay. She was kicking and flailing her legs around trying desperately to reach the shore. Her head began to slip and she began to panic. Her vision began to tunnel. Suddenly two arms were around her, pulling her towards the shore.
Her breaths were near gasps when they finally reached the shoreline, her arms neatly wrapped around the neck of her savior: JJ Maybank.
#outer banks#jj maybank#john b routledge#kiara carrera#pope heyward#sarah cameron#fanfiction#jj x oc#jj maybank fanfiction#jj maybank imagine#outer banks imagine#outer banks fanfiction#rafe cameron#topper thorton
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hellooo lovely! i loved reading your response to my last ask - apparently tumblr is messing up my asks bc a lot of them haven’t been going through :( but let’s hope this one does! i’ve been seeing that you watch cherry magic, and it’s one of my favourite shows at the moment!! 💘 who’s your favourite character? mine is kurosawa personally, i relate so much to him and his gayness. also udon chan, the cutest little cat! what did you think of the last ep, wasn’t it so cute!!! (1/2)
i hope you’re doing well!!! i also wanted to ask what your favourite shows and ships are! i already have a vague idea formulating just by browsing through your blog and over our shared love of cherry magic, but i’d looove to hear your thoughts and your favourites!! wishing you the bestest day! 💘 - your secret santa (2/2)
Hiiiii!!!! I hope life is treating you well!
Omg I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it! I hope you're ready for this MASSIVE answer and you don't get too bored reading this one!
CHERRY MAGIC!!!!!! It instantly became a comfort show for me, as it did for many others!
ADACHIADACHIADACHIADACHI. Adachi is 100% my fave. I never fully understood what a comfort character was. I was like, "yeah! I love Tine also!" But. Adachi is the definition of comfort for me. I see so much of myself in him! Everyone sees him and is like "babie. Must protecc." And honestly? Me too. How can one character be so damn CUTE??!?!? One of my favourite moments is him seeing Kurosawa after the almost-kiss. He just like, sees him, and gets so panicked 🥺 the way his arms just flail about makes me smile like an idiot.
But like, on a deeper level, this drama makes me believe I'm worthy of love. The idea that someone like Kurosawa could be THAT infatuated with you, even though you're an awkward virgin lmao. The point of watching these dramas is to get lost in a story, right? See a situation you want so badly but you know will never realistically happen? The entire premise of the show is just really enticing to me. I am Adachi, Adachi is me. Also, the thing he said in ep6 about not having a clear dream in life? Yeah. I felt that. I'm so envious of people who have passions they work so hard for, it gives them a form of purpose. Like Adachi, sometimes I feel like I'm living in a "daze". I feel like I don't really have any specific passions or skills that I want to develop into a career. Sometimes I just wish I had ambition. Adachi makes me feel so seen and like I'm not the only person who feels like this. The kinds of characters that usually make good protagonists are characters with a clear goal/passion. In most shows this obviously really works, but I can never relate to them personally. It's really special for me to see a character who's similar to me in this way.
Kurosawa is such an amazing character too!!!!! His gay little heart 🥺 on another level, he's just so?? Respectful??? 7. YEARS. 7 years of pining and he holds himself back so well!! He's been waiting for this relationship for so long but is so patient, willing to take things slowly for Adachi. He flirts shamelessly (as he should) but never to the point where Adachi was too uncomfortable.
He cares so much about Adachi :(. But also, even before he liked Adachi, he could tell he was uncomfortable with the drinking thing, so he DOWNED the wine lmao. Clearly he's just a lovely person all round who's really socially aware.
As for other characters:
• Udon my baby!!!! The cutest cat ever!! I love animals sm :(((
• Tsuge's chaotic energy is iconic
• Minato a lovely little dance machine :))
• Rokaku deserves the world, my excitable kiss interruptor :(((
• Fujisaki my love! She's so soft and cute!! Also ace coded how iconic
I ADORED ep8!!! I LIVE for established Adasawa! Adachi coming out to Tsuge :((( I'm so proud of Adachi coming to terms with his feelings and being confident enough to share his relationship with his closest friend. Coming out is not easy and he did so well 🥺
Adachi and Tsuge are so useless bless them 😂 Kurosawa really said "well I guess I have to take these two socially awkward disasters under my wing." Adachi and Tsuge are such a chaotic duo, I love that they can communicate just by touching each other, and omg when Kurosawa said his name Tsuge was "wait maybe I know everything about you already" and if that isn't friendship idk what is
Also Kurosawa making up a poem in his head about Adachi???? Peak romance. Also iconic. I'M A SUCKER FOR HAND HOLDING SCENES SO I DIED. "I like him. I like him. I like him!!" HOW CUTE CAN YOU GET FJKHDSHSKSK
I also got another arm flailing moment when Kurosawa almost got the wrong idea about Adachi and Tsuge!! CAN ADACHI STOP BEING SO CUTE MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT. How on earth his boyfriend is still alive I have no idea.
There are so many other shows and ships I love. I feel like I'll probably miss some, but here we go. These aren't rankings at all, just like, lists lol.
Show list:
1. 2gether
This show means so much to me. It was the first time I watched a bl week by week and it made it so much more special?? I valued scenes so much more than when I binge shows and they would like, look at each other and I'd have a heart attack. They made the first part of my quarantine bearable bc I always had something to look forward to every Friday. I actually really enjoyed quarantine overall as an introvert (not to be insensitive about the literal deaths the pandemic has caused), but I really enjoyed constantly thinking about how long it was until Friday. I'm massively emotionally attached to all of the characters in this show you have no idea. Every single one. The found family of it all,, the way all of the characters have relationships. Still2gether did a phenomenal job of showcasing all of the unexpected but very welcome dynamics and relationships, platonic and romantic alike. I could blabber about this show for so long I'll spare u for now
2. YYY
Is it well written? No. Did I enjoy it anyway?? You know it! I told you how much I love the found family trope. UGH. THIS FAMILY. Also, seeing the feminine side of the LGBT+ community represented positively warmed my heart. There needs to be more bls that do that! Celebrate femininity!! There's nothing wrong with being camp as fuck! It's so much fun!!! This show made me so happy :))
3. Start up
I'm currently obsessed. It's my first Kdrama and holy shit this is what the hype is about. The budget!! The acting! Top notch. On a sad note I really wish bls got that much funding behind them. My heart aches for a complicated story with fully developed characters and plotlines, that just happens to have a gay main couple/character. Wishful thinking for now at least. Anyways, I'm massively emotionally attached to Halmeoni and Jipyeong. Team Jipyeong all the way (even tho Dalmi's obviously gonna end up with Dosan, and I'm happy for them!). All I need is a happy ending for my darling Jipyeong. Please give him one. Also, if anything happens to Halmeoni I will WEEP.
4. Cherry magic is obviously here but I've ranted about that enough already 😂
5. 3 will be free
I would never have expected gmm to make a series like this! But they went and did THAT. Wild. It was such a healthy representation of a poly relationship. The themes of feminism were so well handled and powerful, the chemistry was off the CHARTS, I was hooked from start to finish! Time for a rewatch? I think so.
6. Feel good
Not an Asian drama, but still gay as FUCK. It's written by my wife Mae Martin who also stars in it, and I have to say, it blew me away. Story time!! My friend irl recommended it to me without saying it was Mae, so I was like "okay sure I'll put it on my to watch list I guess" without much motivation to watch it. But as soon as I found out it was Mae I watched it and I've never looked back lol. Once I finished I sent my friend a splurge of messages about my feelings. The series touches on issues like addiction, sexuality and gender. "I'm not a boy. I'm not even a girl. I'm like a failed version of both." That shit HURT.
There's a scene near the end which has really stayed with me. So Mae's character is a comedian and she does a set making jokes about the stuff that happened in the series and oh my GOD. The way I CRIED. It made me realise that people who make jokes about their experiences are using humour as a coping mechanism and when people say "Haha I have daddy issues isn't it funny" we have to remember to be respectful. It's never okay to make jokes about someone else's trauma. Don't make a big deal of it but just don't be a dick.
Anyways I could go on but would 100% recommend this series!
7. HIStory 2 crossing the line
My first bl! This series is the reason I'm so obsessed with bl lmao. The main couple are so soft :( this little series will always hold a special place in my heart!
8. Sotus
My first gmm series, we've come a long way. I miss Kong and Arthit :(
9. Dark blue kiss
Such a brilliant series. I trust P'Aof (director) with my life. This series touches on issues that are so important and deserve to be talked about so much more in bls. This is what happens when you let LGBT people tell LGBT stories! They do it with such care and love!! One of my favourite lines is "I may like men, but I'll never like your brother." One of my biggest let peeves is "I don't like men, I only like x." Like, I get the business behind it, they don't want to make the character gay to make them available for girls to fantasise about. Which is disgusting. But Mork really said "no. ❤" and I LOVE IT.
10. The shipper
I could go on and on about how underrated I think this series is. This series took over from 2gether on Fridays, and while I didn't think about this series constantly like I did with 2gether, this series made my quarantine brighter. Fridays meant I was gonna laugh at least once and forget about life just for a short while. The humour in this series is so fucking dumb lmao, but I'm here for it.
I've seen people talk about the shipper as a bl but I disagree. I think it's better described as a series with bl aspects. The main themes are friendship, family, dealing with loss, respecting boundaries of people you admire, and one of the main messages is about making sure the people close to you know how much they mean to you. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the series is over the top humour, but by the end of it I was personally really attached to the characters and their feelings. Overall I really enjoyed this series but I don't see anyone properly talk about it :(
11. Gaya sa pelikula
A series made by gay people for gay people. Shows like this are so important. This show really healed my soul with how brilliant the representation was :(( "remember we talked about microagressions" the way that means Vlad is constantly educating Karl about LGBT stuff, UGH. SO GOOD. Also this show has the most realistic representation of a crush I've ever seen lmao, soft Vlad is the best Vlad.
12. My engineer
My happy little Saturday show :( I miss the shit writing, shit acting and soft story of this series so much. I'm so fond of this series, I watched it after the horrible ep12 of 2gether and it really made me happy. I'm looking forward to season 2, but Ramking's novel goes DOWNHILL from here on. I know tricreation wouldn't allow the final chapter's scenes, but the entire story is so problematic and unenjoyable :(. The only valid scene is King's coming out scene but that's literally it. And the collar scene can stay lmao.
13. Oxygen
Another soft saturday series! I love this series so much, all of the couples are so bloody healthy and it makes me so happy. The communication is amazing!! THIS is how you show healthy relationships!!!
14. The gifted
S1 was so amazing!! I loved all of it! The only part of s2 we'll talk about is timegracethird. Time best boy!! Grace a feminist queen! When future Grace said they would be friends for a long time that made me so happy :(( also pangwave canon
15. Until we meet again
So I talked about the healthy relationships in oxygen. But uwma really showed the healthiest relationship ever. DeanPharm are just the softest little humans :( I would die for Pharm. He's the closest I got to a comfort character before Adachi. I just have to PROTECT HIM. My motherly instincts really kick in when I see him lmao.
The storyline of this series is just breathtaking. And the ending? I don't think I've ever cried that much. At all. It was so fucking beautiful 🥺
16. My gear and your gown
I really liked this show! Honestly I don't think I'll ever rewatch it but I definitely enjoyed it. The way Pai just seemed to breathe freely for the first time when his parents accepted his sexuality :(((( my baby :( also purefolk were brilliant
Ship list:
1. Saratine
These two are the definition of romance. They mean the fucking world to me. The fact that their story is apparently gonna be continued in some form makes me so. So. Happy. I cannot begin to describe it. My bet is on a special episode and ugh I'm so EXCITED.
2. Aini
Thonhonchonlatee in general is enjoyable but I don't like Thon at all. It's such a shame bc I was so excited for Khaotung and Podd to be in a series together :((. BUT. Aini have grabbed my heart. I knew they would bc miketap are brilliant, but wow. They're so gay my little babies :( miketap are just so natural and comfortable to watch. I love their chemistry so muuuuuuch
3. Sunmork
Coffee boyfriends :( I miss them so bloody much
4. Ramking
One of my fave ships. As I mentioned, I'm apprehensive about s2, but s1 ramking is such a beautiful story. It's just about 2 boys falling in love, no complications. Plant boy who's afraid of dogs falls in love with quiet boy who loves dogs but is afraid of children. Iconic. Also chemistry outsold, I THINK ABOUT THE KISS CONSTANTLY. When I mentioned the acting is shit in this series (shit is harsh, I mean awkward), I did not mean Perth and Lay in the slightest. They really nailed their roles and I loved it.
5. Professor Layton x Claire
You 100% won't get this reference but I grew up with the Professor Layton games and holy shit do they hold up. They're so amazingly written with beautiful stories and the most lovable characters in the world. Layton's intellect, loving nature and surprising athleticism are admirable. Adachi is the character I relate to most, but if I was gonna choose a character to comfort me irl, Layton's your man. His voice is so comforting by nature. I'm blabbering at this point but the point is him and Claire are the only het pairing that matters.
These are just the ships that I felt should be separate from their shows. I love all of the ships from the shows I mentioned.
Oof this got horrifically long, I haven't had a proper chance to rant about most of these shows so I really let it out lol. I hope you've watched at least some of these shows and I didn't just rant to u about 12 shows you've never heard of 😂
I hope you have a wonderful day love!!!!
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What's your fav fic that you wrote yourself?
This is such a challenging question! Like asking which of my children is my favorite 😂 I could definitely tell you a few of my least favorite though lol, no prob. Some of my older stuff—oof.
Alright, so since I really can’t pick a singular fav (I currently have 101 posted works, that’s just not gonna happen) how about I give a top 10? Not exactly what you asked, but eh life is like that 😁
So, in no particular order, my top ten fav fics that I’ve written:
1. Starting with the one that’s a large presence in my mind, (No) Places of Safety. This fic is my baby right now, shaping up to be one of the biggest things I’ve ever written (already at 69k and not even close to done) which is super amazing, because I usually have a problem with sticking to things after a while. I really love the way I’ve handled Dick’s deteriorating mental state, and I love the fact that I know exactly where it’s going, and have from the very beginning (again, rare for me. Usually things come together as I’m writing, and while that’s still happening, it’s been awesome having an actual solid plan and destination). I love the universe I’ve set up here, and am so excited with every chapter to show you guys what comes next. Hell I love this universe so much that I already have the whole next fic planned out 😋
2. Next I’ll say Three Little Birds Sat On My Window. I loved writing a reverse batfam, and am so proud of the way this fic turned out. I really spent a lot of time trying to get everyone’s voices right, how different they would be considering how different their life experiences would be. Tim and Jason especially were important to get right, with Tim being the one who died instead. I always hated in reverse batfam fics when people just make Tim’s version of Red Hood exactly the same as what Jason was like, because they’re different people and would have different ways of approaching things. So even in just the little glimpses I wrote, I’m really proud of their characterizations, along with that of Damian and Dick! I’m just overall very proud of this fic, and definitely wan to write more of this AU at some point in the future.
3. Third we’ll go with An Active Imagination (and, with it, the sequel Rules of Architecture). Thinking about these fics and working on them ways makes me excited as a writer. Like I don’t really have a lot to say about these, just that I really love the way I handled Dick’s shifting mental state, going back and forth between the brainwashing and having him be not at all aware of what’s going on. I also love how super creepy Slade is lol, how unabashedly awful. Plus writing a BAMF Dick is always a blast, and the Dick in these two fics is especially badass.
4. Next up is Take My Hand Through the Flames, because writing dark!Dick was so fucking fun, and something I need to do again very soon. Dick is so messed up here, so blood-thirsty and masochistic and crazy, which is something that I’ve never been able to truly do when I mainly write Dick. So that plus building an Earth 3 universe (pulling in Joey and Rose and what Dick’s dynamic with Thomas is like) was a blast to do.
5. Hmmm then let’s go with If Night Falls in Your Heart (and am just now realizing how often I use song lyrics and quotes for my titles). Exploring the trauma of what Catalina and Mirage did to Dick was something necessary for me to write, and it helped me work through some of my own shit I was struggling with. (Writing is the best coping mechanism!) Dick desperately needs people to help him and tell him none of that was his fault, and since canon certainly isn’t going to do it, I took it upon myself lol. Plus I’ve become strangely fond Dave the Unimportant Villain 😂
6. Sixth on the list is How Arbitrary Fate Is, an AU I am extremely fond of and seriously need to come back to. Teen Titans (cartoon) ‘verse is always something I enjoy writing, and extending the apprentice arc, playing with Stockholm Syndrome, blending Dick’s loyalty to his friends with his growing loyalty to Slade, how he reaches acceptance that this is his life now—I am so proud of the way this fic turned out. I have an entire sequel planned out in my head, other things have simply taken precedent. I will come back to it, though. Lol I want to scream from the rooftops to get everyone to love this fic as much as I do 😁
7. Now I’ll say A Current of Fate, which is something I go back and forth on loving but it always draws my attention back to it. I hate that I’ve set it aside for so long, I think there’s so much fucking potential in this world I’ve set up, and I really want everyone to see the way it’s playing out in my head!! But for that I’d actually have to keep writing it lol, the horror. Sometime soon (when I have less active projects on my hands) I’ll go back to this fic and edit it a little, update it to how much more confident I’ve become in my writing, especially of DC characters. Also Chapter 4 has been half written for literally a year now and it has Black Mask in it; since beginning that chapter I’ve become far more familiar with Roman (and written a lot of him lol) so reworking that chapter in the main priority, and then I think I can really move forward with this fic. I know exactly what happens, I just have to get there!! (Coincidentally, today is the year anniversary of the last time I updated this.)
8. Leaving the DC fandom, next we’re going with The Source of Grief. My Harry Potter fics have been touch and go, I can admit that, but I’m very proud of this one. I really loved doing the outside POV, everyone observing the actions of Harry and not really knowing who he is or what his motives are. I also got to address all my feelings about Severus Snape, which was awesome. Just, fixing problems and making things better was wonderful to write, and I got to put in some subtle Wolfstar lol, and talk about how Regulus Black doesn’t get enough credit. Idk, I’m kind of rambling, but I’m proud of this fic.
9. Ninth is One of the Legion Lost (plus its sequel Want the Strange and New). They’re both my Fuck You to Infinity War lol (which I liked a lot more than I know most people do, but still it needed some help). Loki is one of my favs, and bringing him into the plot of the movie and adjusting things from there is the kind of thing I love to do—what are the repercussions if just one thing is different? Also I enjoyed exploring the magic of the infinity stones! There was so much that could be done with them, with their level of sentience that was never really expanded upon, so I liked doing that.
10. Now we have People Who Move the World. A James Bond & Sherlock crossover, where Q and Jim are brothers. I got super far in this fic! 15 chapters and 94k, it’s a real beast. I love how I wrote Q, his relationship with Jim and Bond and Sherlock, and the odd little Q/Mycroft ship that I’ve become strangely fond of considering how strange the ship is lol. Just writing a bunch of absolute geniuses BAMFs ruling the world and making things go the way they want to them. Like, Q and Jim make such an awesome team and I know it’s such a niche fic but I’m really proud of it. Sucks that a majority of the ideas dried up lol, because I’m very pleased with what I created.
+1: Honorable mention! Breathe with Confidence. First time I ever wrote anything in the Star Wars universe, and it’s absolutely something I’m gonna have to come back to. The AU has a lot of potential, and I know exactly how I’d address the future of Dick’s story. Plus some side fics of the family’s reactions to what happened, the confusion over Dick’s disappearance. And in this fic itself I liked writing Slade’s manipulations, Dick’s desires, the small amounts of background I included. Idk, I just think this world is super cool.
Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this long drawn out thing! Probably more info than you were looking for 😁😅
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Overcoming depression
So the other day my friend asked me what helped me with my depression. I thought it might be helpful or interesting to somebody:). This is not a strict list, just the things that I look back at now and see that they help me. There might have been other things that I didn’t register.
- supplements - I researched what deficiencies might cause depression and experimented to see what helped me most. I stuck with those to this day. The biggest discovery was lecithin. There was this one day when for the life of me I couldn’t subtract 1.5 hrs from 5 pm. It was just too hard. And then I found out that that’s what lecithin helps with. I was smiling within like 5 minutes from taking it. It was an amazing feeling.
- therapy (obviously)
- changing my environment - I have worked as an au pair. That meant that I left my whole life behind and had to accept the rules of this completely different family and different culture as my own. It worked wonders! For the first time I started asking myself things like: is it really how “everybody” does it? I saw more efficient, better ways to deal with stuff and it was amazing. On top of that I didn’t have to worry about money, food, paying rent etc so I could really catch a break and focus on myself.
- doing things I was good at - slowly more and more difficult and slowly gaining more and more confidence. After high school when I thought I was a complete failure and couldn’t do anything, I found things that I was actually good at and they gave me joy. Slowly as I was gaining experience i could do more and more difficult things too and that made me feel really strong and competent.
- being friends with myself. As a child and onward I was so often angry and furious with myself. I was one of the people who never would scream at anybody else, I internalized everything. I learned to stop those thoughts and replace them with positive ones. “I love and accept you just the way you are today. You don’t have to change.” “You look hot.” “Good job” - any and all of them. Right now, since I’m stuck at home, I put up prints of the thoughts I want to think more on my walls and furniture so I incidentally read it a couple of times a day. I also have an app on my phone with an affirmation (”toobee”). It’s definitely too much and I’m only allowing myself to go overboard for a short amount if time though:)
- giving myself safe space. I used to disassociate a lot, a lot - to the point that I couldn’t come back and I felt stuck and it was terrifying and so difficult. I realized that it was a coping mechanism for fear. I wanted to create a safe space for my inner child, like you sometimes see but I just don’t have the space. So instead I created a pinterest moodboard with things that made me feel safe - smiling puppies, childhood bedrooms, clouds. Plus I was telling myself “there is no immediate danger. You are safe.”
- I made the decision to do the things that make me feel better. I spent more time around people, went to meetups, called friends. If I find a show that makes me smile and laugh I might watch it every day for months. I exercise.
- realize i can be soft and don’t need to be strict with myself.
- listen to myself. I follow a lot of mental health related things on my social media and if there is something that resonates with me I try to follow it. Think about it, journal, put it on my wall.
- social media - I learned so much from other people’s experiences.
- realizing walking is helpful for anxiety and fears.
- being in a better financial situation. Once I didn’t have to focus all my thoughts on surviving I was less tense and could actually enjoy things in my life.
I’ve come a really long way and I am proud of myself. However there are so many things I still struggle with. I wish I could just magically in one go change my thoughts. I hope in a couple of years I will be able to make an even longer list bc I will have battled so many more of my unhelpful believes. But for now - it is what it is.
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Hell yes, tell us abt Mikhail. I bet you have a lot to say!
Short answer:
Long answer:
Okay so I will get real with all you guys on this one. I’ll start with a bit of a backstory with this because there is a reason why I love Mikhail so much.
!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!! MENTAL ILLNESSES AND SU*C*DAL THOUGHTS MENTIONED!!!
It was about 10 years ago. Imagine a 14 year old me, sitting alone in my dark room. My depression and various other mental illnesses are geting worse every day, they have been dragging me down for years now. I am living with abusive people who love to push me down even further, mocking me and bullying me even though they are considered my family. I was broken. I was in pain. The word ‘s//ui//ci//de’ has been clouding my mind for years now.I just picked up on Resident Evil through parodies of it on youtube. I watched someone play Resident Evil 3 Nemesis online because I remember that we owned that game but I was terrified of Nemesis on the box so I didn’t play it myself.Then I saw Mikhail, how he lay on the seats of the cable car. I could tell he was in pain and I felt deeply sorry for him. But it wasn’t a special feeling because I felt sorry for all the characters in the game. The person who played the game even mocked Mikhail for his looks. At first I laughed along but then there came a specific cutscene.And then Mikhail said something.Just one sentence.One line of dialoge.
It may just be a line of dialoge for most people. Some tiny bit of character developement sprinkled in for good meassure.But boy.I felt that.Suddenly I felt a deeper connection. It felt like I could see myself in Mikhail. He’s been through hell. He watched his men die in front of him. He is bleeding like crazy. He is in pain. Both mentally and physically. He’s expressing survivors guilt and it’s eating him up on the inside. When he said that line I literally teared up.I felt understood.And when he sacrificed himself to save Carlos and Jill, I cried. Hard. I cried because I was touched by his bravery. I cried because he deserved to live. I cried. Because I looked up to him. Without even realizing it, he became my role model. Mikhail is a kind soul, he is brave, determined, always trying his best, righteous, proud, a real team player and a wonderful leader. He is the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be.He quickly became my favorite character. I still watch all of the cutscenes with him every now and again when I need to hear his voice. I also sometimes browse his REwiki page just because I feel like it. When playing the Mercenaries minigame I always pick him.After meeting him I decided to keep going too. I can’t stop, no matter how broken and in pain I am. These wounds can’t stop me from fighting. I’ll keep fighting because I believe that I can get better if I just keep going. Fighting those demons off. Ignoring everyone who tells me otherwise. After all, I can’t stop just because I’m wounded.Also he is probably my biggest fictional crush ever lol. It’s been almost 10 years and I still can’t forget him and I still love him as much as I did on day 1.
Ever since then Mikhail has been a sort of voice of reason. When I’m feeling lost I ask myself what he would do in my situation. When I notice I haven’t eaten all day again, I’d imagine him trying to give me a pep talk. He became a coping mechanism and comfort character. I’ve been looking up to him for almost 10 years now, which is pretty rare when you know that I have tons of favorite characters that come and go, but he has always been my favorite Resident Evil character ever since that day.
I love everything about him. His backstory is tragic and herioc. He used to be an excellent soldier in the Russian SFSR before the Soviet Union collapsed. His wife was part of a minority who he fought for, causing him to be concidered a terrorist in the Russian Federation. After getting arrested he was approached by Umbrella. He agreed to join them but only if Umbrella does everything they can to ensure amnesty for his men.This just shows how much he cares for his comerades and loved ones. Mikhail joined a guerrilla organization to fight for the independence of the minority group his wife was a part of. He joined Umbrella, not because he himself wanted to be free, but because his men would be free.
I also really really like his relationship with Jill in the game. I could perfectly imagine them as very good friends. The way they talk with each other and how Jill tries to calm Mikhail down and helps and encourages him while also perfectly understanding the state he is in and the feelings and worries that are clouding his mind. I just love it and I demand fanart and fanfiction of a cute platonic relationship between these two. They are cute and precious.I sadly can’t say a lot about his relationships between him and the other members of the Operation-Jackal-Trio.Mikhail and Nikolai don’t interact at all. Which is bullsh*t because Capcom actually wanted them to be brothers and interact. That would have been an amazing addition. I want it back. My fav AU, hands down.Carlos mentions Mikhails name a few times (and by a few I mean two times). Once when explaining what happened and once when Mikhail got attacked in the cable car. I’m a bit sad we didn’t see more of them together. Carlos is certainly worried about Mikhails safety but I really wish they had expanded on that a little. I just wanted to see more interaction in general.
Mikhail also influenced my art. My nickname/pen name is Uby Victor. The ‘Uby’ part comes from the way you say the first two letters of the UBCS. And Victor isn’t hard to guess haha. Some people call me Victor too and I love it!! :3I also own an olive green beret in addition to my UBCS uniform. It’s just a prop and I guess just something I’ve always wanted to own haha. Now I just need to find a way to get the patch.I tried drawing him a few times but I’m an idiot and get flustered when I do so I usually stop before it’s even finished. I will probably never be able to draw him well haha. At least not with that attitude.
He’s also the reason I realized I have a soft spot for Russian accents. Even though Ben Campbell isn’t Russian, his accent is okay and I like his performance.
!!HORRIBLY HIGH LEVEL OF HONESTY AHEAD!!
I could probably rant even more about how much I love Mikhails personality. And his looks.
Have you seen those eyes??? That is one awesome dark shade of blue. Unrealistic I know but damn. I love them. And his golden hair. I wanna run my hand through it. And those arms. Mmmh. He could throw me across a football field with those and I’d say “Thanks, daddy, please do it again!”. He looks like he gives great hugs too. He’s like a big teddy bear, hence why I call him Mischka all the time haha. Also he is top notch soft daddy material. I’m not the only one with this opinion. Also his crotch. The bulge is big. Just take my word for it. Or take a look for yourself. His full body picture is at the top of this post. You have been warned.
!!HORRIBLY HIGH LEVEL OF HONESTY OVER!!
All of this is also why I do not like his R3MAKE version at all. The original RE3: Nemesis Mikhail means so so so much to me. I associate him with recovery. I look up to him and I basically owe him my life. So seeing him be changed that drastically in the R3MAKE just broke my heart. I will stick with the original because that’s the one I like the most.
I could tell more but this is already very long lmao
EDITED tl;dr: Thank you, Mikhail. You’ve helped me more than any living human being ever did. I owe you so much. You’re an angel and I love you.
~ Mod Uby
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