#money goes to myself my mom and my sister for food and other costs! and on the occassion some art supplies and clothes :) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

boyfrienby · 2 years

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we euthanized my cat at home

on my dad's bed.

it started with a single checkup.

cancer, inoperable. causing irreparable pain

it had been causing pain for a while

"cats are so good at hiding pain," see,

and "we don't exactly know what causes this."

when i was a kid, my mom had a cat

the tiniest, meanest cat imaginable.

when she was 4 months old, her leg was shattered.

the fear and pain she went through made her mean.

the cage she had to stay in to heal stunted her growth.

when it happened, my mom had to make a decision;

"we can fix this, for $3000 dollars. we can euthanize her if you can't pay."

my mom had this tiny, breakable thing, in indescribable pain, and had to choose.

$3000 was a heartbreaking amount of money for us at the time. having $3000 at all would have changed our lives.

my grandma paid the bill.

we adopted my girl at 6 weeks old.

she was so tiny, soft, easily damaged.

the first few weeks in her strange new home,

she slunk under the cedar chest in the living room.

there couldn't have been more than an inch of space under there,

watching her shimmy and shift her tiny body under it was incredible.

they say cats can fit into a space no wider than their heads,

it's because of how their collarbones and shoulders are set up.

they're like a liquid,

they fill any shape they want to,

so i guess, likewise,

they absorb any blow with the surface tension of tides at sea.

i had this tiny, breakable thing suddenly.

she was always my sister's cat.

we adopted her alongside her brother.

they were pair bonded, they needed each other,

and when i chose him, the woman who fostered them since birth

became almost to the brink of tears

at the idea that we'd only take him.

they needed each other, we had to take both.

we intended to adopt one for each myself and my sister.

but the woman who had fostered them was so intensely stricken, she cut the adoption fee in half for his sister.

she was the freebie cat, the hideaway, the one who was too afraid to deal with us,

while her brother was the star that shown.

my dad and i spent so much affection on him those first years,

that naturally my sister cared for the one left out.

she ran away a couple of times.

i always went out to find her.

one time she'd gotten outside, and stayed out for six days on her own.

i went out every few hours to look for her.

i finally found her, afraid, cold, hungry,

laying right in the open in our apartment parking lot.

she saw me and ran.

a wild animal, with only instinctual sense of the wild, and not a learned one.

it took ninety minutes of slowly following her,

tempting her with food, treats, companionship,

for her to stop running. she took my food,

and remembered she was home.

she let me scoop her up and take her there.

she didn't run away anymore after that.

in the vet's office, after receiving the bad news,

left alone by the vet who knew we would need time,

discussing options, trying not to sound too heartless in our talks about costs and money,

i told my dad, "call adrianne.

"it's as much her choice as ours. it's her cat."

goddamn this happening two days before thanksgiving,

when the vet would be closed.

it could only be today or tomorrow.

they were about to close for four days.

the vet said,

"we can poke a hole in her abdomen,

to drain the urine,

and send her home for tonight on sedatives.

she'd be pretty loopy,

and you could take her back here tomorrow..."

it wasn't a question of how much time we had left.

it was a question of how much longer we were willing to prolong it.

i told my dad to call adrianne.

when he makes calls, it goes through his hearing aids.

and though i couldn't hear her softly through the other line, i knew she was sobbing.

as the adult son of a father you've spent so much time with,

you don't have to hear the conversation to know when his daughter is sobbing.

i had said, maybe if we bring our girl home tonight,

adrianne can come say goodbye.

i knew it was hollow to say that.

my sister lives 125 miles away now.

i'm glad i didn't have to make that call.

she couldn't come.

i told them i needed some air

i left the clinic, and sat on the curb.

it was closing time, the vets remaining inside

were checking on us between working on paperwork.

i was raised by my dad,

and so we were both apologetic about how long our grief went on.

it's november. it's already fully dark at 6:45.

a vet tech, going home for the day,

one i hadnt seen before at all,

says "i'm very sorry."

i say "thank you."

choosing between the prolonged suffering of a loved one,

and letting them pass on is impossible.

the entire time we went home on the bus,

i wondered if maybe, miraculously, she could just get better.

maybe the cancer in her bladder would suddenly pop out when we got home,

like a cork,

and her suffering would go away,

so we could cancel the euthanasia we scheduled at home.

we just wanted to take her home one last time.

when we got home, i cleaned.

i gave only one of my cats their daily meds. i wanted my girl to enjoy her food without the taste of pills one more time.

she only ate a quarter of her meal, so i gave her her favorite treat.

she ate it halfheartedly,

dripping scraps she wouldn't pick up.

i thought to myself,

"the animal grim reaper is coming to our house."

i cleaned to make us look less like animals ourselves.

i cooked my dad and myself dinner.

i kept thinking, is it awful of me to feel so hungry?

they would be here at 9:30.

they texted me at 8:30, saying they'd be here at 9.

she was allowed in my dad's room for this.

she usually wasn't.

he kicked himself, over and over,

about what an asshole he'd been to deny her being in his room all this time,

because of something she couldn't control.

i don't know if i can tell him that

one of the last experiences i had with her today, pre-vet visit,

was catching her in my room,

and scolding her as i scooped her into my arms,

and set her outside the door that i closed on her.

she was in my dad's bed,

purring in the way she does.

she's always been a motorboat,

or a monster truck engine.

she was so loud, and she'd start up the second you just looked at her.

she was laying with her brother, right next to each other,

no conflict between them,

and she purred the second we came in.

we cooed over her, and held her, and cried.

and he said,

"it's like the animal grim reaper is coming."

the euthanasia nurse got there too fast for us to process.

she was so soft spoken and gentle-voiced,

that my dad couldn't hear a word of it.

even as an adult, i've rarely seen my dad cry. never more than this day.

she explained,

she would inject our cat with a powerful sedative.

it'd hurt for a few seconds.

she'd be shocked by the injection.

she'd go limp within a few minutes.

at that point, she would be alive, but unconscious. unable to feel or experience a thing.

her eyes would still likely be open.

then she would inject the euthanasia.

she would die in seconds.

when she injected the sedative, my girl ran around. she was afraid.

i was crying too hard to handle it.

i held her against the bed. she was so scared.

i felt her start to go limp in my arms and miscalculated.

as soon as i moved away from my grip on her, she ran again.

when she ran away those six days, i was worried sick.

i was terrified for her. she was still the shutaway cat, afraid of people.

i was afraid of her getting hit by a car,

or eaten by coyotes,

or mauled by raccoons.

i went out in the dark more often than the day.

i waved cans of her favorite food,

the stuff she'd devour in seconds.

i knew there were feline personality types:

her type, inquisitive, scared, restless,

was bound to travel the furthest.

but i found her right near home.

she let me take her home again.

and after that, she was less of a shut-away.

she opened up and bloomed.

she became happier and friendlier than ever.

when she ran in my dad's bedroom,

he caught her.

he held her in his arms,

and said all the ways he loved her.

he wasn't trying to hide his sobs at this point

the euthanasia vet stood respectfully in the hall,

which i neglected to clean.

i realized that that was for psychology's sake.

they needed to give us the space of the room to ourselves.

between every monologue about what would happen,

the signing of papers,

the sedation, and then,

the euthanasia itself.

they stood in that hall

to give us the space we needed.

my coworker used to be a vet tech.

he quit because of all the dead bodies.

but he's told me that in veterinary degrees,

you're required to take a course on grief counseling.

crisis management.

psychology.

you can't work with animals without an understanding of those core tenets,

because the animals don't have voices,

the humans do.

my dad held her in his arms and sobbed.

and he apologized,

and he told her how he loved her.

he told her he loved that when he got home from work,

she sat in his lap like a ritual.

no matter what place or how she got to sit there,

she had to, and how it made space in her day for her.

he told her he loved how she always grabbed us from a perch to get petted.

she would reach out her paws no matter what we were doing, guiding us to scratch her.

he held her, sobbing, back turned to me and the outsider, spectre of death in the room,

in a kind of confessional.

between crying, i looked up,

and she was looking at me, head rested on his shoulder,

slowly going dimmer by the second.

i think that's when i actually realized,

she wasn't going to suddenly get better.

i had known she wouldn't for hours at least,

probably weeks,

maybe months, if i'm being honest,

but it's the moment i could fully conceptualize it,

in its true and honest state,

that she was going to die.

as she went limp, my dad said, "i don't want this"

he said "i wish i wasn't the one doing this."

his name was on the consent sheet.

he signed it.

and again, i was glad i wasn't the one

who had to make that call.

even though i had been the one to urge it.

she was asleep. her eyes were open.

she was breathing. the euthanasia nurse held back. we had to tell her what to do next.

she waited.

she was on the bed, the pee-pad under her, in case.

of course, in death you let go of your bladder.

she didn't. she couldn't.

we both finally said it was time.

the nurse injected the euthanasia.

she said, in her softspoken voice,

if we didn't want to look, to look away.

my dad didn't hear her. he watched

i cried, and i refused to see it.

but he watched.

he told me afterward how hard it was to watch.

he told the euthanasia nurse the happy times.

he told her the bad times.

he told her about a lot.

he hugged me while i sobbed.

and i left the room to get tissues.

i met my other cat on the way,

and was fully struck by the fact that,

him, with his separation anxiety,

and inability to conceptualize death,

how on earth he would cope with that loss.

i sat with him a second,

hearing the hum of my dad's voice,

worrying that the nurse

would be late to her next appointment.

i went back to the room,

dead cat on the bed,

and my dad was finally able to decide it was time.

the nurse wasn't going to take her until we had a chance to see her away.

she gently lifted her head and eased her limp body up,

and wrapped her in a baby blanket.

it looked so soft and cozy that she could have been sleeping.

she asked if he wanted to carry her outside.

and he did.

wrapped in that blanket,

and for a split second i saw her eyes.

she always loved to watch the snow.

she was fascinated by it.

she'd stand by the window for hours, and stare.

she didn't get to see the snow this year.

but today, it was foggy all day.

#animal death #euthanasia #long ass stream of consciousness poem i wrote about this because i needed to. put it down somewhere

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nsk96 · 8 months

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Personal rant:

I know I've been doing quite a bit of these rants often, but I can't keep a physical diary and doing these rants here will allow me to easily send these to my future therapist (about that, my mom doesn't want me seeing one until I get a job, as if they will have access to my personal medical records just like that. Even if they manage to access them, all they are gonna see is how effed up my dad and mom are...maybe that's why she doesn't want me to see one. She was opposed to the idea since the first time I brought it up. She agreed to let me see one a few months ago but I didn't get a chance to arrange an appointment because of my hospital IPPE rotation. Now she is opposed to it again and I have to wonder why I have to keep explaining to her how it's not going to affect my future jobs)

Anyways, back to the actual rant. Every time I decide to stay home to study on the weekend, I regret it. I focus so much better at the school library in the study rooms. The problem is that the school is at least 30 minutes away, which means with a good amount of traffic, it can take me 40 minutes or even nearly an hour to get there. But honestly, I feel like it's worth it. My mom keeps trying to convince me to stay home, saying that the drive is a waste of time. If I can't focus at home, aren't I wasting even more time then?

Today, my dad is pretending to be pissed and that my mom has to buy a new toaster oven because ours has become a fire hazard after using it for about 5 years (maybe more I don't recall when we bought it). Anyways, he's always blaming her for spending too much money. My mom often says, "I have to buy stuff for the house" which translates to "food, snacks, juice/water, paper plates (because my dad complains about having to do dishes even though it's the only household chore he's responsible for), napkins, toilet paper, paper towel, cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, etc." Literally things we need. This is what happens when one person in the marriage is responsible for all of the grocery shopping for 30+ years. The other person in the marriage forgets how expensive it is to live and only sees what's coming in. They don't see how much things actually cost.

Either that, or he's just using this as a thing to complain to his family about to turn them against my mom, like he always does. It is very apparent that he talks shit about her to them, because my aunt (his sister) when she came to visit had to audacity to tell my mom that she should be doing everything in the house because she was the one who wanted this house. My mom corrected her and said, "I wanted to move into a retirement home." My aunt was shocked and said, "then who wanted this house?" My mom gestured at my dad and said, "him."

Because he's pissed off today, he's slamming doors as he goes in and out of the house. He's turning on the water really hard while he washes his turkey-frying pot, and he's clanking dishes. He's definitely doing all this on purpose, he knows I'm trying to study and that I need quite to do so. How I know he's doing this on purpose? I've seen him do these things much quieter when I wasn't studying.

Just about 30 minutes ago, I put a couple of Jamaican chicken patties to bake, one for him and one for me. I got mine when it was done and told him the second one was for him. He ignored me (he was less than 3 feet away. There's no way he didn't hear me). I repeated myself and even said, "Did you hear me?". He ignored me again. He does this to my mom all the time. I scoffed and said as a joke, "I guess it's mine now." I still left it in there because I know he'll complain or talk shit to his family or our neighbor, Otto (and I know he talks shit to him because Otto had the audacity the other day to tell me "help your dad" and said "don't tell [my mom] that I said that, she might make me do the dishes".

Realistically, I shouldn't be eating both if I intend on keep up my weight loss progress anyways. I don't know if he will eat it, because he likes to put on these tantrums so he can get away with watching tv all day or literally doing nothing all day. But I do know, that once I leave it out there with him, I won't be able to eat it later without running the risk of getting horribly sick from it (because you know what he likes to do to our food). Just watch, later he will be like, "I don't feel like eating it. You can have it." It's happened many times before.

Honestly, I'm tired. I can't study, I'm nearly failing my classes because of it. He's still out there making noise on purpose. I hate this shit. I want to move out but now I know I don't have my mom's support and she expressed that she doesn't want me to move out. And now she's holding on even tighter. The other day after my health fair I wanted to stay at school to study but my mom begged me that morning to come home after the health fair all because she "dreamt that trouble was coming". Turns out the trouble was actually at the health fair, and I missed out on time to study because once again, I can't focus at home. I'm pretty sure now, that I have ADHD and being home makes things worse. It's been like this my whole life and I feel like it's gotten worse as I get older. I'm tired

Update: My mom came home after spending hours outside trying to find a toaster oven. They didn't have any suitable ones at our usual store so she went to another store. By suitable, I mean they were either too small or too big, or the type that overheats on the outside making it a potential fire hazard. She settled on one that is both a toaster oven and air fryer that costed a little over $100. My dad now wants to be upset that she spent that much on a toaster oven. I asked, "then why didn't you go with her?" His response "it doesn't matter what I say, she won't listen to me." Maybe if you spoke to her like she is a human being, she would listen to you. Maybe if you didn't ignore her all the time or talk down to her with disrespect, maybe she'd value your opinion. He's now looking online for a toaster oven and going, "look this one is just $88." Dude! Why didn't you look this shit up before she left? You knew since last night, approximately 17 hours ago that we needed a new toaster oven. But no, you want to b*tch about the purchase to make her feel like shit while you get to enjoy using the product right? Because you can't give her credit for anything...like usual. This is what happens when she lets you take credit for things she does just to boost you up in front of other people. Now you weaponize everything against her and use it as fuel to turn your family against her, our neighbors against her, and your coworkers against her (you don't want to know how he talks to her in front of his coworkers).

#personal #rant #pharmacy school adventures #narcissistic abuse #narcissistic parent #tw dad mention #tw mom mention #tw narcissistic parent #tw narcissism

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dream-a-little-bigger-x · 4 years

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Chapter 14 -- Perfect Harmony | Charlie Gillespie

Summary: Emily Fox is a talented 17-year-old with a passion for all things music. Her dream is to become a successful singer-songwriter one day. But to achieve that dream, she needs to get into one of the most prestigious music schools in her district – it’s all been part of her plan since she was six. Sadly enough, those schools cost a ton of money that her parents don’t want to invest. They don’t even want her to pursue her dream. So, now Emily’s hustling, working at the music store to save up to get into college. That’s until she meets Charlie, an annoying seventeen-year-old boy with the same dream as her. The only difference is, he’s just doing it. He doesn’t need a fancy college to pursue his dream to become famous with his band. He just writes his songs and books small gigs here, there and everywhere. Will meeting Charlie defer her from her dream college, or will he actually help her achieve the dream?

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x OC (Emily Fox)

Warnings: mentions of death, sexual assault

Important note: the characters of Charlie, Owen, Jeremy and Madison are based on the characters they play on the show and i do not own their names, only OC are mine. The songs aren’t mine either, they’re all from the show except for one.

Chapter fourteen

~|Charlie Gillespie|~

Life is good on the other side of Hollywood. The song really does stick. Life with Emily has definitely changed me for the better. I feel like I’m soaring on clouds every time I’m around her or even think of her. And my songwriting has gotten better too. “Where have you been?” My mother’s bone-chilling angry voice greets me when I enter the kitchen. “You’ve been out nearly every night of the week, not returning until late.” This is not going to be a fun conversation. “I was rehearsing with the boys, ma,” I say as I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, hoping to escape this talking-to quickly. “Again? What about school, Charlie?!” “I did that before I left for rehearsals,” I lie. Why would anyone work for school when there are no tests this week? That’s just working for nothing. This whole school-thing is a waste of time when you think about it. I want to be a Rockstar, get Sunset Curve famous. “You don’t think I would actually believe that, right?!” Her voice rises with the second. “Believe what you want, mom. There’s nothing going on this week anyway.” I probably should not have said that because mom’s expression changes from angry to furious. “That’s no reason not to work for it, Charles Gillespie!” The full name takes me back to Emily calling me Charles and it’s enough for my brain to give my lips permission to curl up. “You think this is funny, do you?” The smile vanishes as soon as it came. “No, mom! But I got this, okay? This is my life and I’ve got control over it, okay? You have to let me live my life, mom!” The screaming match lures my father into the kitchen as well. “What’s going on here?” he asks, clearly annoyed we’d disturbed his favorite show. “Your son over here thinks he has control over his life and doesn’t need to work for school anymore,” mom explains, the volume of her voice goes down, but the anger’s still there. “I mean, he’s seventeen, honey…” At least dad understands me, “He’s going to learn how to live life by making mistakes, you got to let him make them.” “You’re seriously going to take his side right now?!” The volume raises again. “Mom! This has nothing to do with taking sides! If you didn’t breathe on my neck like you always do, you would know how amazing the band is doing and that I have an amazing girlfriend! But all you care about is controlling my life!” I freeze when I realize what I’d just yelled at my mother. “Just let me live!” “You’re seventeen, Charlie! You don’t know what you’re doing with your life!” At least she’s not reacting to my girlfriend-news I’d just blurted out to them. If she ever talks shit about Emily, I swear to God, it won’t be their finest day. “No, I don’t! But that’s normal, okay?! I want to figure out life by myself, with my band, with my girlfriend. So, stay out of it!” I push past her and dad, grab my backpack and leave the house again, cycling to Jeremy’s garage again. I know I’m always welcome to crash there after a fight with my parents. Owen and Jeremy are both still in the garage, cleaning up, chatting. When they see me, their grinning faces fade into worried glances. They already know what’s going on. I drop my backpack on the floor and plop down next to Owen onto the couch. “You okay, man?” Owen asks. “Yeah, just my parents being controlling again, you know?” He offers me a sympathetic smile. “Hey, Jere, do you mind me crashing here tonight?” “You can stay as long as you want,” he replies with a smile. “Thanks, man.” “I’m staying the night too,” Owen tells me, “Parents still aren’t talking to me.” “How long since you came out to them?” I can feel my heart breaking at the thought of Owen just being himself and completely being obliterated by his parents, the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. “About a year…” Heart shattered. “At least I still got Luka.” I smile as I think about Owen’s sister. In 6th grade, she used to babysit us, even though we thought we were old enough to stay home alone. But Luka actually was the best babysitter ever. And I can’t deny I had a little crush on her at one point. It did blow over when she ditched us one time to go on a date. Besides being the greatest babysitter ever, she’s also been a great sport in Owen’s coming out. She was the first one he told besides us. Not only that, she’s also the biggest Sunset Curve fan. “How is Luka?” I ask, which earns me a sharp glare from Owen. “I’m just curious.” “She’s navigating college, so home isn’t where I want to be at the moment.” “Right, must be tough for her too,” Jeremy chimes in. “Yeah, must be tough having your parents worry about your every move.” I note the sarcasm in his voice and offer him a sympathetic smile, hoping that’ll help somewhat. I also feel slightly attacked by his comment. “Hey, at least we’ve got each other,” I tell him, patting his shoulder. “And us is all we need,” Owen agrees with a small smile shining through. “And Emily!” Jeremy’s mention of Emily simply makes me smile again. Even the mention of her name makes me smile. I guess that does show how whipped I am for this girl. I wish I could tell her though. “She’s amazing, isn’t she?” Both Owen and Jeremy nod their heads, agreeing with me. “You’re so in love with her, bro,” Owen says. “Have you taken her on a date yet?” Jeremy wants to know. “No, not really. Unless you count sorting invoices at the Music Store or secret make-out sessions on her balcony?” They now shake their heads in response. “Why don’t you take her out on a date? Cute little picknick? Movie?” Owen suggests. “Yeah, if you want, you can take her here, we’ll set up like a projector and a screen, decorate with Christmas lights, and buy some food.” I stare at Jeremy for a little longer than I’d like. Did that really come out of his mouth? That’s a decent idea for once. “I don’t know if she likes romantic gestures like that though?” I manage to bring out once I’ve recomposed myself. “What girl wouldn’t like watching a movie on a big screen with her boyfriend, eating food, surrounded by pretty lights?” Owen reasons. That’s a good point. “Will you guys help me set up though?” They nod in response, and we get to work straight away. Jeremy goes inside to grab the projector and a large white sheet we hang up in the garage while Owen and I go on the hunt for the Christmas lights. According to Jeremy, we’d find in the attic. “Have you told Emily about us yet?” Owen asks me when we’re in the attic by ourselves, searching for the box with the decorations. I look up at him for a second before turning to a cardboard box to my right. “Uhm, no… I’m not sure how to tell her I used to date my bandmate?” “Emily’s cool, man. Her favorite uncle was gay and now she lives with his husband and they both know I’m gay, but she never treated me any differently.” “Yeah, but isn’t there a difference between being friends with a gay person and dating a pansexual person?” Owen shrugs whilst fishing a bundle of fairy lights out of a box. “It’s both very queer. I’m sure she’d be cool with it.” “I’ll see what subjects we’ll talk about tomorrow. Might tell her if it comes up.” “Good call, man.” I take a few more bundles of string lights and join Owen downstairs. While Jeremy hangs the white sheet and installs the projector, Owen and I decorate the place with all the Christmas lights we found. Warm whites, cold whites, and colorful ones. It serves for a fairytale looking glow throughout the entire garage. “Why didn’t we do this earlier?” I ask, admiring our work. “It really does give it a more calming atmosphere, doesn’t it?” Jeremy agrees. “Okay, I set up the projector, you just got to plug in a laptop and you’re good to stream your favorite or most romantic movies.” I pat him on the back, offering him a thankful smile. “Thanks, Jere. This was an amazing idea.” “Emily’s going to love it,” says Owen whilst looking up at the lights surrounding us. “Let’s go to sleep now and after school tomorrow, we’ll go shopping for food and set it all up for both of you to enjoy.” Jeremy’s almost giddy with excitement. It really is adorable. Jeremy hands Owen and I a sleeping bag and takes one for himself too. The three of us are used to sleeping on the floor of the garage. Many nights were spent like this ever since Middle School whether it was for sleepovers or when either Owen or I had problems at home. Jeremy often asked us to come over if he’d had a bad day too. Just fun little sleepovers between three best buddies. And they really are the best.

“Won’t be at the Music Store tonight. Find me at Jeremy’s garage to find out why. Wear something comfortable x” I send Emily the text after school just before the boys and I go grocery shopping in Jeremy’s fridge. He did ask his mom to buy a few extra snacks and things, saying it was for rehearsals. I’m glad he didn’t tell her about Emily and me yet. “Okay, we’re all done here!” Jeremy exclaims excitedly, looking at the finished product. My heart is beating faster and faster, scared Emily won’t like it, scared she doesn’t feel the same. “Hey, guys!” Emily’s voice startles me, and all three of us turn around to see her enter the garage. “What’s going o—” she freezes in place, noticing the fairy lights and the big screen. “Wha—” She looks adorable with her eyes bulging out and her mouth agape. I’m frozen for a moment. My feet don’t want to move even when I tell them to. “Charlie said you guys never had a proper date,” Owen springs into action, stepping forward and taking Emily’s hand, “So, we kind of put something together for you guys.” He leads her towards me. I doubt she’s even listening to what Owen’s saying as she’s still gazing around in surprise. “Hope you guys enjoy!” The two dip out of the garage, leaving Emily and me by ourselves. I let her take in the sight for a moment before grabbing her hand and leading her towards the mountain of pillows and blankets. “Charlie…” she breathes out, “This is beautiful.” She sits down while I go to the laptop to pick out a movie, settling on Aladdin since she made a comment about it the other day. I then hand her a glass of orange juice and place the snack platter between us whilst sitting down. “I wanted to do something special for you,” I tell her and clink my glass against hers. “Do you like it?” She nods her head vigorously. “I love it!” She leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek. “Who’s idea was it to do the cinema and the fairy lights?” “Surprisingly, Jeremy’s,” Emily’s eyes widen in surprise. “Yeah, I was shocked too.” “Such a surprising guy, that one.” I nod in agreement. “Let’s watch the movie, shall we?” Emily nods her head and we settle into the cushions. At first, we just sit shoulder to shoulder until she starts fidgeting. “Not comfortable yet?” “I can’t find the right way,” she chuckles, crossing her legs. “Come here,” I open one arm as I lean into the cushions behind me. Her cheeks flush pink as she leans in and rests her head on my shoulder. “Better?” I drop my arm around her shoulders, pressing her closer to me. “Much better,” she mumbles. I’m pretty sure she can hear my heart beating quicker, especially when she puts her arm across my stomach. “Can I confess something?” she asks around halfway into the movie. I look down at her, finding her staring at me, and nod. “I totally watched Aladdin with Uncle Mitch yesterday because it reminded me of you.” I can’t help the smile on my face at how endearing she sounds right now. “I picked it for today because it reminded me of you too.” Emily chuckles slightly and sits up straight to take another sip of her orange juice. “You want to watch something else?” She shakes her head. “Let’s just talk for a while?” I agree, but I can’t help to feel nervous. “I feel like I don’t know that much about you yet, but I somehow feel like I’ve known you for years, you know?” “Yeah, I totally feel the same,” I confess, “Don’t people play that Twenty-Questions game on the first date?” She takes a piece of cheese and pops it into her mouth. “Yeah,” she says after swallowing, “That’s a good idea! I’ll start!” She presses her lips together and looks up at the ceiling, seemingly thinking of a good question to ask. “A simple one; what’s your favorite color?” The color of your eyes. “Uhm… blue, I think? Yours?” “Yellow! It’s a happy color,” she gives me the cutest smile I ever did see. “Your turn!” “Uhm… Do you have siblings?” “Nope, only child over here.” I raise my hand for a high five, saying, “Same, girl!” and she slaps her hand one mine excitedly. “What’s one secret you’re still keeping from your mom?” Her question stumps me. Not that I don’t know the answer, because I do. The nerves just suddenly settle in. She’ll be cool. “That I dated Owen for about a month last year and that I’m pansexual.” Her eyebrows rise in surprise. “Pansexual is the attraction to people regardless of their gender, right? Just so I got it right.” “Yes, exactly,” I gaze at her, awaiting her response of running out of the garage and never coming back, but she stays put. “How was it dating Owen?” She asks instead. “Not great. I mean, Owen was a great guy and we had good moments together, his parents just… never really accepted his sexuality. They still don’t, so being with him was a little rough. We broke up because we realized it didn’t really fit, I guess? With his parents and the band and stuff…” “How did you start dating?” Our game of twenty questions has become a little one sided and about one topic in particular. “He’d just told his parents and they got into a fight, so he came here. Jeremy wasn’t here yet, but I was since I’d run away from my parents too after a fight. He had a panic attack, so to stop him from panicking, I kind of kissed him?” She smiles an endearing smile. “But it’s my turn to ask a question now!” “Right, sorry!” “If you ever got trapped on a deserted island with one friend, who would you choose?” I ask, hoping to be rid of all the questions about me and Owen. Though I love the fact she didn’t up and run. She stuck around and is actually interested to know more about my past relationships and my sexuality. She would only ask if interested. “Madi, probably. I—” she cuts herself off, her eyes widening as if she’d just remembered something. “Oh my God. Oh. My. God!” She scurries off the ground and grabs her backpack quickly. “Madi asked me to hang out tonight after my shift and I told her it was okay since we didn’t plan any band practices! I totally forgot! She’s going to kill me!” She fishes her phone out of her backpack and quickly types in a message while I get up from my spot. “I’m so sorry, Charlie!” She gives me an apologetic look. “It’s okay! We’ll do this over one day. Go to Madi!” A relieved smile cracks through right before she grabs my face and kisses me on the lips. Just a quick, passionate peck, and off she goes, leaving me a little woozy from the electricity that just zipped from her lips to mine and through my entire body. An amazing girl, that one.

Taglist: @parkeret @lukeys-giggle @hannahhistorian92 @gingerxarmy @marinettepotterandplagg @lovesanimals @thequirkybookaholic @calamitykaty Lemme know if you want to be on my taglist for this story/any of my other works!

#julie and the phantoms #julie and the himbos #charlie gillespie #jeremy shada #owen joyner #madison reyes #charlie x oc #oc emily fox #luke patterson #reggie jatp #alex jatp #julie molina

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norcalbruja · 3 years

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Things are not ideal for me right now

What’s up, so I had yet another argument with my mom today. I had to go lie down and vent about it to the spirits. I ended up begging them to find SOME way to get my writing off the ground, so I could move into my own place by the end of the year. Then I can finally be alone and not get constantly reminded by people that I'm bad at housework, and remembering stuff, and all those “regular people” things that my mom and sister are just fine with.

Because LUCKY ME, I live in California where a regular fucking 1-to-2-bedroom house can cost a million dollars or MORE now. And while writing and theater has never been easy, it’s been especially bad with the pandemic.

I wore myself out a couple years ago by trying to get my writing noticed the regular way with social-media, and eventually I quit posting much about my work because I barely got any readers AT ALL, let alone people who give me feedback like I kept begging them to. (GUESS HOW MAD I WAS when I found out that literally all of the “standard” marketing advice is bullshit. I spammed Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook for nothing, isn’t that great???)

So yeah, while I vastly advocate trying mundane options before asking the spirits for help, I don’t know how I can get a writing career or earn a million dollars the “mundane” way, especially not in these times.

Which led me, in my “desperate / enraged” double-whammy of a bad mindset, to go and ask Laho the moon-eater for help.

This is not the first time. I asked him in February because I was just fucking TIRED of being stuck at home and having my writing going nowhere, and how asking the other spirits just doesn’t seem to be working.

---

So for context: Laho the Moon-Eater is a dragon in Filipino / Tagalog mythology. He causes eclipses by coming out of the deep ocean and trying to eat the sun/moon. He actively dislikes when I call him a “god” because he insists that the anito/gods have to CARE ABOUT PEOPLE, regardless of power-level, and he is a DRAGON.

He acknowledges that dragons frequently overlap WITH gods, especially in Asian / Filipino mythology, but he told me that it’s a case-by-case thing and sometimes dragons just identify as Level 10 Nature-Spirits. Which is kind of trippy when Laho constantly takes human form and looks/acts almost like Dark Bakura, what with his long white hair, his deathly pale skin, and his dickish and blunt personality. He also has a glowing “aura” that none of the other anito seem to have, even the actual sun and moon deities. I think it's either “deep-sea bio-luminescence” or “side-effects from constantly trying to eat the sun/moon.”

And uh. That comparison to DARK Bakura is not an idle one, because for me, Laho is almost on Loki levels of "Engage With Heavy Caution.” Loki and I barely get along after several years of not being able to stand each other, and after one piece of advice from Loki that went So Damn Badly, he told me we can have a do-over later on. Laho is just damn unpredictable because sometimes he comes over to tell me about stuff, but sometimes he drags me out of my meditation without even asking “hey are you busy??? I found something cool!” first.

On the other hand, Laho is not a proper “Trickster” like Loki is, so he’s not trying to curse me or anything. That involves caring enough about one random, half-trained spirit-worker to like... intentionally damage her, and Laho Does Not Care About People.

Keep in mind that while I am NOT doing formal “magic / spellwork,” thank the gods, general consensus from the other spirits is “Do Not Try This At Home.” Fuck, now that I've calmed down, *I* don’t even like asking Laho for basic goals, but... I don’t know who else I can ask.

The rest of it is behind the “Read More” heading for heavy desperation, depression, and Not Safe For Work subjects.

---

So today after my latest argument with Mom, I went to my room to lie down and get a grip on my Seething Rage And Desperation, but as mentioned before, I just ended up begging the spirits, “GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE. I JUST WANT A HOUSE AND AN ART CAREER. GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

And my attempts to calm down didn’t work so much that Spirit-Me’s heart just... split open from the stress, apparently. The last time that happened was when I was high as hell on a whole weed cookie, and I started thinking the world was going to end. (Long story short, that was Loki’s Extremely Bad Advice. Yes, the spirits remembered that. No, they were not happy that I was sober this time.)

So there’s Spirit-Me, screaming and bleeding all over the damn place while Odin and the other spirits are trying to 1) stitch me back up and 2) assure me that I’m not a TOTAL failure, but I was not in the space to listen, so once I was mostly-not-bleeding, I just ran off to the spirit-ocean and found Laho.

Generally when I’m desperate enough to ask Laho for help, I end up having sex with him as a trade.

Because, at risk of repeating myself, I’m broke. In a lot more ways than “money.” I’m say I’m a half-trained spirit-worker, but if you count FILIPINO spirit-work, it’s even less. I barely even speak Tagalog, so I wouldn’t know any spells or high-end offerings to give the spirits. I don’t know what the fuck else I can trade for help, besides having sex.

I don’t even have an altar to put offerings ON, because my mom’s place has a Catholic altar and I sure as hell won’t leave food meant for pagan spirits there. I share my regular food with the spirits, and then I eat it after a few minutes.

But like... remember how Spirit-Me’s heart just split open from stress, and how I was about to have sex, which is generally Very Strenuous in both worlds? Yeah, not only did my heart split back open, I’m pretty sure me and Laho didn’t do anything resembling “spiritual foreplay” either, because Spirit-Me started bleeding down there, too.

And it’s like, Laho is not a good role model for the MORAL side of “a crying woman is asking me for help and trying to have sex,” but the Filipino spirits are extremely open about sex by itself. Even Laho prides himself on having REALLY good sex if someone comes up to him for it, because humans and involved spirits are the ones who mess shit up with “feelings” and “consent” and “maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

But he knows that humans shouldn’t be leaking gallons of blood, so once that started, he stopped. And then he assured the extremely angry anito that he only knows why I’m bleeding from ONE place, but he didn’t expect that much, and the chest wound is not from him.

Spirit-Me was now slightly WORSE than when I started—my chest hurt and my downstairs half hurt, and while I was flailing in a pool of my own blood, and begging the spirits for a steady income and a basic house, my mouth started bleeding, so now Orifice #3 Is Leaking Too Much Red Stuff.

So, I needed Freyja AND Brighid to come fix it. Brighid says that my issues are manifesting as “spiritual ulcers.” Freyja has gently advised me that given the shit that happened today, I should avoid spirit-intercourse for the next few days and seriously take it easy for other types of sex.

And weirdly enough, once everyone cleared out to give me a break from the events, the Morrigan came up and told me that she loved me, and I could ask her for help if I wasn’t too tired. She also told me that she is the goddess of sovereignty, and I don’t ask her for nearly enough things. So... yeah, I asked her for help with getting an art career and buying my own house, so I could help fix the damn planet by the end of this year, 2021.

See, the Morrigan is my patron goddess and she has been extremely hands-off in the past few years. While she DOES relegate herself to “spiritual bodyguard for the squishy writer,” sometimes she comes up and tells me she loves me, unprompted. Especially when I’m... not in a good space AT ALL, like today.

I wonder if my soul is dying, or in a LOT of trouble. Honestly, I’m not surprised. I told the spirits a while back that my soul will die if I’m stuck in this rut for much longer, where I’m not a successful artist, and so I have to live with my family, who I can’t really get along with.

I'm not good at anything besides art. Either my head just doesn’t fucking work properly for most jobs, or random shit goes wrong with basic tasks, or I end up hating the job and wishing that I could just DO ART FOR A LIVING.

The only way I can see to fix things is get an art career and move into my own place, so I don’t bother anyone and they don’t have to deal with my weirdness. But HOW THE FUCK am I gonna find a million dollars for a basic house, when I can’t even get enough people to read my stuff???

And that, followers, is why I'm up at midnight after exhausting Spirit-World shenanigans.

#spirit-work #Filipino mythology #long post #personal gnosis #unverified personal gnosis #paganism #irish paganism #anito

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years

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In Sorrow and In Joy- Part 5- Grocery Shopping

Luke learns the hard way what it means to be a dad and how to keep his family safe and together. Dad!Luke with a South Asian Reader. This is a collaborative experience with A Family of Five.

CW: Over the course of this series, themes of racism and prejudice on the basis of religion are present. Please read or skip as necessary. This part, specifically, has themes of prejudice on the basis of religion and bigotry.

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_________________________

Luke’s grocery shopping this week. Not a crazy feat or undertaking. It’s just the way things worked out. You have to proctor a mid-term exam and then meet with a student about their paper after your lectures, so you lack the time today. Wrangling your three children is a task and a half. Noor isn’t the problem, the oldest two groan and complain. Ra dislikes the grocery shopping because why does it take all of them to go. Zeek dislikes it because he can never get the chance to race the shopping carts. Typically due to safety reasons. He’s never seen someone get seriously hurt by a cart, but he can’t refute you or Luke.

Luke tucks some of his hair away, reading over the list you left as the oldest two bicker of something. The headphone incident was already taken care of, so who knows what this argument was about. He decides to let them hash it out. Though he’s praying that things are settled soon. There’s nothing else he needs to add to the list, so he shouts up the steps, “Guys! C’mon.” Luke purposefully adds cracks into the shout because it grates their nerves.

A couple minutes go by and they still haven’t descended the steps. “I’ll keep shouting!” he bellows, more cracks breaking into his words.

“Geez, alright!” Zahra shouts back, climbing down the steps. Followed behind her is Zeek.

“Thank you for joining us. Your baby sister and I have been waiting for you two,” Luke laughs.

He situates them all in the back two rows of the car, double checking that none of them have tried to get around the seat belts. Luke settles into the driverseat and sets off. Zeek lets out a small sigh. Luke glances in the rearview mirrors to see his arms folded. “What’s up, bud?”

“Nothing,” is Zeek’s mumbled response.

“He’s mad that he lost in rock, paper, scissors,” Ra speaks.

“I can speak for myself,” he retorts.

“Hey, whoa, let’s take a moment,” Luke mediates. “What was this game of rock, paper, scissors about?”

“Window seat,” Zeek replies. He stares straight forward. He can sort of see out of the front window. But it’s not the same as the window seat. Noor is to his left and Zahra’s to his right. He has no freedom in the middle. “I thought it was going to be the best two out of three.”

“I never said it would be,” Zahra defends.

“But it always is the best two out of three and you know it.”

Luke sighs. It’s a little too late for him to do anything to rectify the situation as it stands. “Okay, well, Ra next time you need to make sure everyone’s clear on the rules. If not, that’s cheating.”

“I didn’t cheat,” she protests.

“But you manipulated the situation in your favor. That’s not fair. That’s cheating.”

There’s a grumble from the back. Maybe her dad is technically right. But she didn’t cheat during the actual game of rock, paper, scissors and that has to count for something. “He can have the window seat on the way back,” she offers.

Zeek looks to her. She’s glancing at him out of the side of her eyes. She doesn’t want to be known as too nice. Just nice enough as the older sister. Zeek nods, with a small twitch of a smile. They weren’t always at each other’s throats. Just most of the time.

At the grocery store, Noor volunteers to be set in top of the basket. Zahra glances up to Luke and he caves. Lifting her up into the basket, Zahra settles down. She’ll have to climb out soon enough. But for now she can enjoy the space. Zeek gets to steer the cart. Luke, however, wraps his hands around the handle next to his. “Love you,” he whispers to his son.

“Love you too, Dad. Where do we start?” he asks.

“Produce,” Luke responds. Zeek nods and pushes along.

Grocery shopping is fine. Noor helps decides on the grapes. The leafy greens excite no one in the group but it’s on the list so Luke dares not ignore it. Especially since he skipped them last time and got an earful from you. Ra climbs out of the basket before they hit the aisles, wandering through the junk food before begging for a packet of oreos. Luke is much too soft to say no.

The four of them stop at the cereal aisle. Luke’s eying the cinnamon toast crunch for himself. Though he knows if he buys a box, the children will want some. Just as the family box hits the bottom of his cart, he catches someone grumbling further down the aisle.

Luke ignores them. “Mommy’s going to be upset,” Noor laughs.

He grins, tucking a section of her curly hair behind her shawl. She wanted to wear it out today and he couldn’t deny his baby girl. It made him a little nervous. How would people react? How would he handle it if it went south? But it all faded away when she pleaded with her pouting lips and big eyes. “Eh, she won’t be mad when she’s eating a bowl.”

The little girl laughs. Knowing it to be true down to the core. Luke does decide to grab the raisin brand that you listed. He knows late at night the two of you will be sneaking bowls of sugary cereal. As they continue on, Zahra t pauses, pointing out a box of Trix. Luke sighs. “It’s that one or the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Gotta choice.”

She whines, knowing it’s going to go to a vote. “Fucking terrorists, I’m telling you,” a gruff voice whispers. “Take them back!” he shouts loud enough for everyone on the aisle to stop.

Luke turns to the offenders, red MAGA hat on their head. His knuckles tighten around the basket handle. “These are my children you’re talking about,” he speaks through gritted teeth. “Their mother is the most loving woman I have ever met. The only thing she and my children need is for racist assholes like you to fucking disappear. You and your racist beliefs are the problem here, not me, not my children, not my wife, you bastard.”

The man shouts more at Luke, but he turns his back. They get a few aisles over; Luke thinks about walking back over and punching him in his pink face. He’s never seen himself as a fighter, but his family- the people he loves more than anything- he’ll fight for. He’d take a bullet for. He wouldn’t want to, but it’s them first.

“Baby girl, you okay?” he asks, turning his attention away from the drama.

She nods, eyes a little teary. He pulls her from the seat and sets her on the ground with her two siblings. They watch their father in shock. “Do not ever, and I mean ever, listen to people like him. You belong on this earth; you are not terrorists because of your beliefs. You are my children and I love all three of you to death. Our society is not always safe for you all.” Luke pauses, feeling the tears stinging behind his eyes. He sniffles, pulling back some snot and wipes the tears.

He clears his throat and continues. “I wish I could change that with a snap of my fingers. But when you encounter people like that, if you feel safe enough, stick up for yourself. If you don’t, walk away. Find help if you can. Call me or your mother. Call Uncle Calum; call Uncle Michael; call Uncle Ashton– it doesn’t matter. The most important thing is your safety, above all. You have to get back home safely to me.” His voice cracks on the last sentence.

They nod at their father, seeing the tears falling down his cheeks. He hugs each of them one at a time and then they attach to him in a group hug. The rest of the grocery trip finishes in silence.

You walk to the house and Zeek runs up to you. “Mom! You should’ve seen it today! Dad yelled at this guy for saying bad stuff about us. It was a little scary.”

“He swore too; I made him put money in the swear jar,” Zahra adds on.

“Dad was basically a superhero though,” Zeek continues.

You look over to Luke and can still anger and fear lingering. His fists are clenched. His jaw twitches as he looks down at the recipe book. You make sure everyone is okay. Zeek and Zahra blow it off. But Noor clings to you a little. You rub at Luke’s back, one hand resting against Noor’s shoulders. “Wanna talk about it?”

He shakes his head. A small piece of his hair falls into his face. You tuck it back for him, gently cupping his face. The scruff is turning into a beard. But not even that can hide how tight his jaw is. It’s best to leave this alone for now. So you distract with homework, listening to their day. You even go over homework.

Dinner goes by fine. Luke makes the kids laugh, double checks that the veggies are eaten. He’s more relaxed now than before. You know better. You can see the soft turn to his eyes. Something is not completely resolved. During clean up, Luke bends down, taking his son hands into his. You watch with the two girls, still holding plates to be cleared. “I know you called me a superhero, but you’re the real superhero. You’re my superhero.”

Your son throws himself into his father’s arm. “One day,” he starts, pulling away from Luke, “I’m going to write the best superhero comic ever and they’re going to look like me. And they’re going to beat up all the mean people and help save the world.”

Luke smiles. “Your old man’s going to buy the cost copy too.”

#luke hemmings #luke hemmings fanfic #luke hemmings fic #luke hemmings imagine #luke hemmings series #dad!luke #dad!luke series #5sos #5 seconds of summer #h writes #luke hemmings x south asian reader #luke hemmings x reader #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #5 seconds of summer fanfic #5 seconds of summer fic

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wiggly-blue-shite · 4 years

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You’ll Always Have Me

Lex X Ethan fanfic with a lot of Hannah protection.

This is the first time Ethan and Hannah have ever met. (3400-ish words Jesus Christ)

Hannah sits next to me on the bed. She’s watching some cartoon. Her eyes are glazed over. She isn’t watching. Her eye twitches. I love my sister but I just don’t understand her. She’s just a little kid but sometimes she says things I just don’t understand. I hoped that the things people say about her isn’t true, but when she talks about Black and White, the spider that talks to her, I just don’t know.

Hannah shudders and light returns to her eyes.

“You okay, Banana?”

“Something is coming.” She looks scared. She pushes her head into my shoulder. My arm moves around her subconsciously.

A loud noise comes from the outside of the trailer. It’s two voices. I can distinctly hear Mom’s voice slurring words together. The other voice is deep and unfamiliar.

She brought someone else home from that dirty ass bar. Hannah can’t be here, not right now. Or ever for that fucking matter. Mom had one job that was just to take care of us. I can’t have her be here anymore.

“Get behind me.” I stand up and head towards the door. I don’t want her to see any of this. “Close your eyes… please.” My hand is shaky. I light a cigarette and wait.

The door opens. It’s so creaky, we, well I can’t afford oil to stop it from squeaking. Hannah grabs my left hand. I hate that she’s scared. I hate that I am scared too.

Mom stumbles up the stairs. She looks at me and Hannah. I know she can see Hannah. She must know that she is scared. She has to know that she is hurting her. She’s just a fucking kid. A tear rolls down on my cheek.

“Hi girls.” She’s so close to me I can smell the cheap fucking booze on her breath.

“Hi mom.” We make eye contact. I hate that she can see me crying. Hannah squeezes my hand. How is she so smart?

“We’re going to Deb’s house. Have fun.” I try to make my voice as harsh as possible. I want her to see. Is it to much to ask?

I pull Hannah with me outside, grabbing the sleeping bag I keep near the door. I keep walking until I know that she isn’t coming after us. She’s not going to apologize. She’s not going to try.

I sit down with Hannah at one of the picnic tables in the trailer park. I try to blow the smoke away from her. I don’t want her breathing in too much.

Lexington: Hey my moms being a bitch can me and Hannah hang there

Deborino: oh shit. I’m out with Alice we are with her dad

You know how he feels about me this needs to go well

Lexington: FUCK okay you go get your girl and her dad I guess

“What’s wrong?” Hannah keeps her voice hushed. She’s just watching me. She looks cold. That jacket is thin but I can’t get her a better one right now.

“We can’t stay at Deb’s.” I don’t trust anyone else in the smoke club enough to watch Hannah with me. Well I guess there’s Ethan.

“Oh.” She pulls on the sides of the jacket. She’s so small.

Lexington: My mom is being my mom can me and my sister crash with you tonight

eThAn: Sure anything you need

Lexington: Thanks ❤️

eThAn: Meeting the sis big step ❤️

Lexington: Oh whatever

eThAn: See ya soon

I flick the cigarette into the ground and grind it under my boot. I stand up. “Come on you’re gonna meet my boyfriend.”

“You have a boyfriend?” She makes a little disgusted face.

“Yes I have a boyfriend you silly banana. Let’s go.” I don’t know if they’ll get along. Ethan is smart but he can be intense. I like Ethan a lot but if Hannah doesn’t like him it’s over. I just need to make sure she’s ok.

“What’s he like?” She grabs my hand. It’s cold.

“You’ll see.” God I hope this goes well. We walk off. We have only each other and this old sleeping bag.

Ethan’s place isn’t as close as I thought it was. Well I guess it feels farther because of how dark it is, damn daylight savings. I don’t want Hannah out here when it’s so cold and dark, especially not in this neighborhood.

There are a few people out. A lot of drunks. Hannah holds my arm. Keep your head down, don’t make eye contact, be invisible.

Ethan lives in a small apartment, his parents kicked him out and this was the only place he could afford to live. As far as cheap apartments go it’s nice. There’s a pull out couch the smoke club found at the curb. He’s got a fridge. No tv or microwave, but there’s a heater.

We get outside of the building. There’s a tent city down the street, so I keep Hannah close. The sidewalk smells like piss. The air is hazy with smoke and I can see some bonfires going in the tent city.

Lexington: Here

After a moment Ethan opens the door of the building. He’s wearing ripped jeans that definitely didn’t start out that ripped, an old leather jacket, and one worn down glove. He took his earring out. He’s standing in the doorway arms straight at his side.

“Hey.” He waves a little at Hannah.

“Lets do introductions later, it’s cold as hell.”

“Is hell cold?” Ethan’s eyebrow shoots up, he smirks. I stare back at him. All these jokes are nice but I’m cold. “Ok let’s go.”

The building doesn’t have an elevator but you only use it if you have a death wish. So we climb six stories. There are a few people yelling in an apartment next to the stairwell. Someone gets pushed out the door. I try not to listen to the things that they are yelling. Hopefully they don’t see us. I can here gunshots coming from a couple of blocks away.

Ethan cleaned his apartment. His clothes are in an organized pile. He organized the things on the table. It looks like he tried to wash away a stain in the floor. It looks nice. It’s pretty warm in here.

Once we step in Ethan turns around and looks down at Hannah. He seems to tower over her. “So you must be Hannah Foster.”

She nods. She doesn’t look scared. She looks like she’s studying him.

“I’m Ethan... Green. Ethan Green.” He’s more nervous than she is. I’ve never seen him really nervous before.

“Do you live here by yourself?” The apartment is a lot smaller than the trailer. It’s also dirtier.

“Not a lot of room for anyone else now is there.” He laughs. Hannah doesn’t laugh, but she smiles. It feels like something got lifted off the room.

My stomach growls loudly. I didn’t eat a lot. I didn’t get breakfast. Frank gave me some food at the end of my shift. Weird to think that man is capable of pity. Hannah gets food at school, we’re poor enough to qualify for free breakfast and lunch.

Ethan must have heard. “I have food coming if you guys are hungry.”

Ethan has been jumping from job to job trying to get money any way he can. He can’t afford to get food delivered. He barely has any he money for his rent.

“It’ll be here soon. I’ll go get it.” Ethan is our the door and down the hall before I can ask about how much it cost.

Hannah sits in the couch and I join her. This is way comfortable than the one back in the trailer. Hannah looks around the room. There’s not a lot of decorations, a couple of Ramones posters and a couple of old art projects, all we could salvage before he was kicked out. The floor is warped and the rug is dirty.

“So you’re dating him?” I can’t tell if she’s messing with me or she’s disappointed.

“Do you have a problem with that?” Why does the opinion of a little kid matter to me at all? Even if we’re sisters.

“No, I like him. He cares. Good blood.” She smiles. It’s nice to see her smile. Things might not be going well but she can still fond some happiness.

“I’m glad you like him. You two are really important to me. It’s nice that you can get along.” I smile down at her. She looks back with her giant sad eyes. Even when she’s happy there’s just a little bit of pain in the corners of her eyes.

It’s around 7:45. It’s not a school night so I’m not super concerned about getting her to sleep early. I should have got her dinner earlier though. It was a good thing Ethan got food, even if it cuts into his savings. Growing kids need to eat. Maybe that’s why I’m short.

Ethan opens the door holding a pizza box and something in a brown paper bag. He got a whole pizza. That costs so much. He still needs to pay for rent and basic essentials. But he just walks to the table and sets down the box like he’s made of money.

Hannah shoots up and has pizza in her mouth before I can stand up. It’s still warm despite the fact that it’s cold as hell out. Hannah says that food at her school is usually cold. I’m glad she’s eating something warm.

Ethan opens the paper bag to reveal a little box with the words Garlic Knots on the side. That’s just a waste. He has so little yet he can get something so unimportant.

“How much did this cost?” I think I deserve to know the damage. This effects both of us.

“Does it matter?” Ethan sneaks his arms around my waist. I have to look up to make eye contact. He smiles like nothing matters.

“Yes it fucking does.” I don’t want to be a nag. If thing are ever gonna get better we need to keep the little money we have.

“Can I still eat this?” Hannah manages to say with a mouth full of pizza.

“Yeah, banana.” There’s no point now. You can’t return food.

“Banana?” Ethan‘s eyes light up, his arms fall to his side. “That’s adorable.”

“Don’t change the subject. How much did it cost?” I feel uncomfortable with being this naggy.

“Like twenty bucks.” Ethan says that like it’s not going to cut into his own food supply and gas for that shitty shitty car. “It’s fine. Just eat up.”

“Babe-“

“No just eat.” He grabs a garlic knot and holds it in front of my face. “Taste the garlic.”

I’m not going to laugh because I’m upset. It does look good though. Really good.

“No-“

He puts the garlic knot in my mouth as I am talking. “Eat the food.”

He lets out a little chuckle. I must look like an idiot. I take the knot out of my mouth and let myself laugh.

“Ok ok ok. Just...” it’s nice that he cares but he needs to take care of himself. “You don’t have to spend money on us.”

“You’re not the boss of me.” He smirks and pulls me into his arms. As we kiss I can here Hannah making barfing noises.

“Gross!” Hannah yells at us, “you got garlic mouth!”

Ethan bursts out laughing. I see that I am the most mature in the room. Ethan is literally on the floor. I sure know how to choose them.

“Let’s just eat.” I sit down next to Hannah and finish my garlic knot. I haven’t had good pizza in a while. I think it’s been a while since all of us have had good food.

We get mostly through the meal when a loud noise comes from the heater. Ethan checks it.

“Fuck. It’s broken.” He looks annoyed. I’m sure this isn’t the first time this has happened. It sucks that it happens when Hannah is here. The trailer has heat.

I can feel it get colder. Temperature is dropping fast. Stupid thin walls.

“I’m gonna have to fix that. God damnit!” Ethan stares down at the busted machine. Ethan has gotten a lot better at fixing things. Mr. Houston would be proud.

Within 25 minutes Hannah is practically shivering. I swear she’s like a lizard, always cold. I put Ethan’s one good blanket over her. She still looks cold.

I see one of Ethan’s old flannels on the floor. Alice made a joke about it being a gross yellow color and he doesn’t wear it anymore. I hand it to Hannah. She quickly puts it on.

“Looks good. But that’s not going to keep you warm.” Ethan walls back towards the couch. He takes his leather jacket off and puts it around her shoulders. “Any warmer, Hannah banana?”

She smiles and nods. She’s content once she’s stolen every warm thing from the apartment.

“You can keep the flannel if you’d like.” Ethan has a weird look in his eye. Like some weird fatherly instinct has just kicked in.

“It’s so big!” The sleeves completely cover her hands.

“I can shrink it when I was the clothes.” Laundry is my responsibility, so it won’t be too difficult. I’ve shrunk plenty of clothing on accident. Doing it on purpose will be easy.

Ethan turns back to the heater. Goosebumps are visible on his arm. He smiles at me and winks.

“I’ll be fine.” He grabs an older torn up blanket a puts it around himself. He squats down to look at the heater, taking out a Swiss Army knife as his only tool other than his hands.

I kiss the top of his head, “Thank you.”

I throw the empty pizza box away. Ethan is still working on the heater and Hannah has been singing a song to herself quietly. I didn’t know she knew long words like “inevitable”. I barely know what that means.

I turn around and see Hannah yawn. It’s not late but I can’t keep her entertained. So I could just send her to bed now. I’m tired. It’s been such a long day. It’s just been taking care of Hannah and working.

“You tired?” I sit down best to her, “Maybe you should go to bed.”

“Noooo.” She isn’t but maybe if I insist I can make her go to sleep so I can go smoke on the fire escape.

“I’m pretty sure I saw a yawn, banana. You can’t lie to me.”

Ethan joins the conversation from the other side of the room.

“We could play a game before you go to sleep.” He smiles, “I have a deck of cards, some dice somewhere and maybe monopoly with some missing pieces. How about banana split?”

She nods. She is still curled up in a big huddle of blankets.

“What’s your poison? Poker, blackjack, Craps-“ Ethan turns one of the janky chairs arounds and sits down like a hound substitute English teacher.

Hannah giggles “you said crap.”

“Oh shit I did?” Ethan’s eyes go wide. Hannah laughs more. A satisfied smile creeps on to his face.

“I think this is a go fish crowd.” His cards are in a drawer in the kitchen, so I go grab them.

“I’m the best at go fish!” Hannah smiles so smuggly I almost want to say than I always let her win.

“We’ll see about that.” Ethan starts to shuffle the cards over the back of the chair.

Hannah shuffled over to the table, wrapped in the blanket and jacket. We play a few intense games of Go Fish that are extremely rigged in Hannah’s favor. Ethan won once but that was just to keep up the ruse.

“Ok Hannah it’s 8:30 time to sleep.” I help Ethan pull the bed part of the couch out. “You’ll sleep on here.” I pat the lumpy mattress. She sits down on it.

Ethan goes back to the heater. He’s not going to fix it today.

“Where will you sleep?” She looks up at me.

“I have the sleeping bag.” It’s going to be cold but she doesn’t need to know that.

“What about Ethan?” She looks a little more concerned for him than she did for me. It’s not like I’m the ones whose taken care of her for the last 9-ish years.

“I’ll just have to wrap myself in blankets like a burrito.”

Hannah yawns again. She makes a little pillow out of the flannel and lies down.

I kneel down next to her head, “Has it been a good day or a bad day?”

“Good day.” Her smile is interrupted by yet another yawn.

“Good.” I stand up again and walk to the light switch. “Good night, banana.” I turn off the lights. I have to stumble through the dark to where Ethan is near the window.

“Night Lex, Night Ethan.” She sounds tired.

“Sleep well.” There is this time of warmth in Ethan’s voice. I’m not used to this side of him. But I like it.

After a couple of minutes Ethan opens the window and we climb out onto the fire escape. We sit down and let our legs hang. His window is facing another building so it’s easier to avoid thinking about how high up we are.

Ethan hands me a cigarette, “ironic isn’t it. Smoking on a fire escape.” He’s too proud of himself for that.

The smoke is the only thing keeping us warm. They say heat rises but it’s cold as shit up here. I’m glad I dropped out of school. They didn’t teach anything useful. Well shop was useful but when that class is cancelled second semester why stay?

“Your sister is adorable.” Ethan puts his arm behind me in an effort to put it around me.

“She can be.” She can also be a brat, “she’s all I have, really. Other than you of course.” I lay my head on his shoulder. He successfully puts his arm around me. It feels like one of those old movies that the smoke club would watch at Alice’s house. Way back before we actually smoked.

“You’ll always have me.” He’s cold but I hope he’s getting some of my body heat. It gets too damn cold here.

“I wish we lived in California. It doesn’t get cold there.”

“There’s no shitty parents.” He laughs, “We’d get to see the ocean, and not just a stupid lake.”

If I lived in Los Angeles I could act. I could be in a movie musical or a super bowl commercial. No one would know me for my moms alcoholism. They’d know me for me.

“I want to be an actor.” I’ve always wanted to be Maria and dance with my Tony till the lights are all out. I would have done the school plays but my GPA was too low.

“In California that could happen.”

But we’re stuck in this shithole. Getting drunk in the same bars as our parents, wasting away at the same jobs as our grandparents. I’m gonna waste my life working for a fucking toy store.

Hannah is going to end up like me.

“We’re gonna die here.” A tear manages to fall from my eyes.

“No don’t cry.” There’s panic in his voice. He turns more towards me and pulls me into a hug.

“What if Hannah gets stuck here too? I work at that fucking mall like my mom did. What if Hannah ends up working there.” The tears keep coming. I clutch to Ethan.

“That’s not going to happen.” His voice is shaky. I know he doesn’t know how to comfort me.

“I don’t want to die in fucking hatchetfield. I want my sister to have a chance.” I’m never going to be an actress. I’m not the next Julie Andrews. I’m going to work for minimum wage until I can’t work anymore.

“I’ll get you to California, Lex. I know you can be the next big actress. Hannah will have a better life.” He pulls away and looks me in the eyes. “I love you. You don’t have to cry anymore.”

He’s never told me he loves me. I want to tell him I love him too but I just keep crying.

“I’ll get you to California, if it’s the last thing I do.”

#starkid #black friday #black friday spoilers #fanfic #lex foster #ethan green #tw: drugs #tw: smoking #tw: alchohol mention #tw: alcholism

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1076

Be honest, did Fifty Shades of Grey arouse you in any way? I honestly never felt the need to see a single page, hear of the plot, or watch any part from any of the movies tbh. I just heard from everyone it was full of smut and it was enough to turn me away from it. Then it got banned in my school which definitely helped in not having to hear anything about it again.

What does your sibling(s) call you? In third-person they refer to me as Ate, which is the honorific for older sister. But my sister usually addresses me simply by looking my way and starting her sentence/question from there.

Do you have any close friends that are the opposite sex that your significant other dislikes? I don’t have a significant other anymore but my ex used to be unnecessarily mean about some of my close guy friends. I didn’t like some of her friends too, but I always had some valid reason behind it, e.g. they were creepy around her, they were aloof towards me, etc. But she didn’t like some of my guy friends by the sole fact that they were guys and she didn’t trust them around me, and like it was just something I couldn’t do anything about tbh. It also hurt me, because I love my guy friends and it didn’t feel right that she hated and criticized them without even wanting to make the effort to get to know them.

Do you honestly believe everything happens for a reason? Why or why not? My life is the grand sum of what I make of things. Idk if that’s able to address the question, but that is how I see the world in general.

Do you believe in reincarnation? Why or why not? No. Doesn’t really sit well with me, simply put. I believe that when I die, that is it for me; same with all other living beings.

The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner? I guess The Hunger Games. I saw the first movie and fairly enjoyed it, but that’s it as far as my interest in the franchise goes. I have never had any idea what The Maze Runner is about, and I honestly keep confusing it for the Divergent series for some reason lol.

Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? I don’t think so. If I did, I probably have already made the conscious decision not to hang out with them a lot haha.

Did/do you believe them? If I did know someone, I would not believe them.

Is anything annoying you right now? It’s fucking Sunday evening and I am not in the mood to go back to work tomorrow. I’m also staying up late (it’s already past 11 PM) and I know I’m already going to regret this, which is annoying me even more.

Have you ever been ice-skating? Yes! So many times as a kid. We don’t get actual snow though, so some malls have artificial ice skating rinks for those who want to do so. From ages 8-10 my mom would drop me off at the rink for me to practice/play in for a few hours because she knew I didn’t like tagging along in errands.

Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? I wouldn’t say it helps me sleep since I generally have no issues dozing off, but the sound does make me feel calm and relaxed.

Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Yes, I had a classmate with albinism at one point.

Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? I don’t think I ever have. I never had to.

Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? Probably. Or, at least, shot my hand out in an area where I ended up feeling a big cobweb.

What would you say is your strongest felt emotion right now? Despair. Hahahaha. Give me a longer fucking weekend, universe.

Are you talking to anyone at the moment? No, just this survey.

Do you have trust issues? Well now I do.

Have you ever found an arrow head? I don’t know; I don’t think so.

Who is with you? It’s just me in my room now. Kimi didn’t enter with me, and I think he wants to hang out in the corridor for a bit tonight. He’ll knock once he wants to be in here.

What can you not stop thinking about? How much longer I should continue doing this survey because I need to get sleep if I don’t want to wake up cranky.

Do you forgive easily? No. I tend to hold grudges, and I’d rather be honest and straightforward about my grudges than lie to someone’s face that I’ve forgiven them when I know within myself that I still resent them. I feel like that would be unfair to them anyway so it’s grudges all the way for me.

In what part of your life so far, have you learned the most about yourself? Not sure there’s a most. I possess self-awareness so I continue to learn as I get older. < Yeah I gotta go with this one. In every start of a new chapter in my life, I always seem to pick up new details or lessons about myself.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? I’ve been in physical fights but no fists were ever thrown.

Are your ears pierced? Yes, they are indeed.

What did you last say out loud? Something along the lines of “Not yet? Alright” to Kimi when he decided he didn’t want to enter my room with me.

What are you waiting on? I’m waiting on Friday already -____-

Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? Not usually. I like expressing it indirectly, like having shorter patience with them or ignoring them completely.

Are your feelings hurt easily? This working girl has to sleep, lmao. Catch y’all soon. Okay, where were we... Yeah, I would say being sensitive is one of my main traits. It’s fairly easy for me to get my feelings hurt, and I tend to overthink/overanalyze the simplest of jokes or comments towards me.

What's the most expensive piece of clothing you have? Did you buy it yourself? I haven’t started shelling out when it comes to clothes; like I’ve mentioned before, most of my money goes to food and the rest goes to gas, lmao. My most expensive clothes are probably just my WWE shirts. The merch I own are of the biggest wrestlers during the time I got them, so it was their shirts that cost the highest.

Who is your closest platonic friend of the opposite sex? Probably Hans. The two of us don’t talk much at all, but we always bond super well when we’re together and I can count on him to give me honest, hard-pill-to-swallow advice. Angela has to be with us though, or else I’ll feel awkward and shy.

How do you think your first relationship shaped who you are as a partner now? Yes, but there are good and bad sides to it. I will always be thankful to Gabie for tirelessly encouraging me to try out new things, expand my horizons, and to be unafraid to discover what I am capable of. She was undoubtedly my biggest supporter, especially when it came to going out of my comfort zone. I grew a lot from my relationship with her, so much so that it has definitely helped shape me to be the much braver, risk-taker person I am today. I like who I am now, and I won’t deny that it was she who helped in bringing that person out of her shell.

Bad side...she made me say sorry a lot. For her, she could do no wrong; and even if she did, she was always able to flip a situation around to make it sound like it was actually my fault. And so I said sorry, a lot. For four years. And on my end, I don’t think I received a lot of the apologies I think I deserved. So these days, I get jumpy with people and always feel the need to panic and apologize for the smallest shortcomings. She also always wanted to win arguments. Getting her point across and me agreeing with it mattered more than actually resolving arguments and moving our relationship forward. Bad as it was, it taught me a personal lesson: I learned how to negotiate and communicate better in my other relationships because I wanted to avoid the toxic dynamic I had in my own relationship.

As sad as I am that I lost the relationship and as much as I continue to think of the things that could have been, these days I get sadder instead when I think of how much I allowed myself to be treated that way. Of course, I’m very aware that I had my own set of problematic traits too. I’m not saying I was the model significant other (I was far from it), but the main difference between us is that I was always striving to be better in the relationship. I wanted to address the issues she had with me and to try to be a better, kinder person from it, for her sake and for my own personal growth. Unfortunately, all my attempts at healthy communication with her was always met with, “I can’t change who I am because this is already me.” Anyway, I’m rambling and I’m starting to feel sad again. Next question! Hahahaha.

Who is your favorite protagonist of the same sex? Claire Foy’s Elizabeth from The Crown.

Were you popular in high school? What was your reputation like? I was invisible in freshman and sophomore years, High school was the start of a new chapter, and my track record with new life chapters was never impressive because I take longer than normal to adjust to new environments. By third year I reconnected with Angela, and she hung out with the popular kids, so soon enough I got pulled into that crowd. I’d say by the end of high school I was a solid point on the radar - it was also thanks to my open secret of a same-sex relationship in a Catholic school, if we’re being honest lol - but I never liked having the spotlight on me. I liked that I had popular friends, but I myself never wanted to stir up shit on my own. I was just glad to be constantly invited to soirées and underground parties, lmao.

Have you always known your sexual orientation or did something happen to make you realize it? I’ve always been icky about the concepts of dating and sex. I could never imagine being intimate with anyone, and sex isn’t the biggest priority for me in relationships. The only time it makes the most sense to me is if I did it with someone I’ve built a solid, strong connection with; a close friend that I could trust. Realizing those made it easier to accept within me that I’m demi, or at least dancing around somewhere under the asexual umbrella.

What was the hardest part of your last break up? Coming to terms with how shittily I was treated, during and after. By the end of our relationship, she made it seem as though talking to me and maintaining the relationship was a chore. Every mistake I made sent her into a rage, which always ended in me rapidly apologizing in tears. Then after the breakup, she simply wanted to cut ties with me. She was never willing to allow me to healthily process the situation, and whenever I had questions in mind she would answer them curtly, and not give me reflective answers or perspectives. I begged for a long time to have my questions answered and to allow myself the teeniest bit of closure.

I had such a shiny, sparkly, perfect, can-do-no-wrong idea of my girlfriend for our entire friendship; so to take my rose-colored glasses off was the hardest part of it all. But taking that hard step was also the first step to healing, so it brought some good too I guess. I just wish getting to the good and easy part didn’t have to be so painful.

What brought you out of the hardest period in your life? The awareness that I had friends who unconditionally care about me. Also if I’m being honest, the Christmas break. I realized I was having such a hard time with my breakup because I was also already dealing with work burnout and the pressure of being in a new position and trying to make as few as mistakes as possible – so by the time the Christmas break rolled around and I had two weeks of no work, it was enough for me to recharge, realign my priorities, and determine the things and people that matter and that I want to keep.

What's your favorite kind of smiley face? Idk, I guess just :)? I like keeping my emoticons simple.

Does anybody know your deepest darkest secret? I dunno if I have one.

Did you ever watch Rugrats? (the babies) I did, but I never liked it. I remember Rugrats very specifically because this was the show that would be on Nickelodeon whenever me and my sister would be woken up at 5 AM to prepare for school. It came before Legends of the Hidden Temple, which was a lot more fun to watch.

What about Hey Arnold? I caught it often because this was also an early morning show (it came after Legends of the Hidden Temple), but I was never into it either. I also never got to watch the episodes in full because the school bus would pick me up by the time this was on the air.

Do you like pep rallies? Idk what that is.

Have you ever had pneumonia? No.

What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? The possibility of accidentally waking up in the middle of a surgery and being unable to speak out because I was anaesthetized scares me more than anything else. But since I’ve never had to have a surgery before, I imagine feeling completely terrified if the time ever comes for me to have one.

Do you play Minecraft? if so, feelings about servers? I don’t play it. I think I tried it before, but it just never stuck with me. The most I’ve gone with it is to watch several playthroughs by Pewdiepie. I have no clue what you mean by servers.

Do you read creepypastas? No. I’m familiar with some, but I never read any.

Do you think vlogging in public is scary? I feel like this survey contains snippets from many different surveys because I’ve definitely answered this question before...but anyway, I wouldn’t say it’s scary per se but I AM shy when it comes to these things, and I don’t think I have it in me to carry a camera around in public and directly speak to it.

Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? Mmm no, doesn’t sound like my idea of fun either. I don’t like solving puzzles hahaha.

What social class would you say you're in? Middle class. We live a relatively comfortable life in this country.

Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? Nope. I have never recorded myself singing because it has never been necessary lol.

How do you feel about guns? Not a fan. If I needed weapons for self-defense, I’d get anything other than a gun.

What's the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? The drunken rages I had to helplessly watch from my childhood years.

Are you faint to the sight of blood? Yeah absolutely. Like I’ve always felt bad about it but I was such a shit helper whenever my ex had her semi-regular nosebleeds. I did help, I just panicked and nearly hyperventilated every time I did so because of the blood HAHA

Do you like spicy food? Love them, but the food has to be meaningfully spicy for me to enjoy it - like curry or laksa. Spicy food shouldn’t just be dishes with sprinkled spicy powder as a finishing touch, because for the most part that just irritates my throat and it doesn’t allow me to appreciate the spiciness.

Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I think I am back to having simply strange dreams. But in the last few months, my nights had. been regularly plagued with nightmares.

When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? Idk it was probably something my mom said that I had discarded from my memory. I’ve gotten so much better at that now.

What’s your second favorite color? Baby pink/pastel pink.

Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? I think about this everyday. Yes.

Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? One of my uncles.

Have you ever been involved in an affair? Nope.

How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I talk to them everyday since we have a Viber chat. I wouldn’t know what tasks to do or prioritize without them, so we need to be in touch all the time.

What do you want for your birthday? I don’t even want to think about my first birthday without her...but anyway, mine and Cooper’s birthday are super close to each other, so I actually want to throw a small party at home celebrating our birthdays haha :) Cooper can get his own doggie cake and cupcakes, heheh.

Have you ever been to a masquerade? I don’t think so.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? I’m sure I can think of a couple of people I know.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Angela.

Anything you’re avoiding? I wanna avoid work for the next hour or so. Then once I’ve done some recharging, I can continue with a few tasks tonight so that my workload can be just a bit lighter tomorrow morning.

After breaking up, what’s the worst? Depends on the breakup. < Agreed.

Does your sibling have a significant other? I don’t think either of them has.

Do you use Skype? Not since a decade ago. At work, we mainly use Google Meet. Some clients will use Zoom; one client uses Teams.

Are you a fan of acrylic nails? Not yet, but I do want to try it out someday just to spoil myself haha.

Name one happy song that describes you better than any other. Idk if I can call myself happy just yet...hmm. Paramore does have a short song/interlude called I’m Not Angry Anymore, and it’s a happy-sounding song with a very passive-aggressive message hahaha. I’d say that’s me right now. Some of the lyrics go:

“I’m not bitter anymore, I’m syrupy sweet I’ll rot your teeth down to their core if I’m really happy

Depends on the day, if I wake up in a giddy haze Well, I’m not angry, I’m not totally angry, I’m not all that angry anymore” and everything about it is so meeeeee.

Name one sad/mellow song that describes you better than any other. Forgiveness, also by Paramore. Sorry I’m in a music slump y’all. Only Paramore has been able to make my days the slightest bit better.

What is your most used pick up line? I don’t use those, nor do I like hearing those.

Do you like the taste of alcohol? Sure. I like strong mixed drinks the best, though.

What kinds of food make you sick? I don’t have a weak stomach when it comes to food. The only food that has made me sick are expired foods.

#survey #surveys

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searchingwardrobes · 4 years

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My Problems with Once and Adoption/Foster Care

Ya’ll know I love this show, and I love the character of Emma Swan. BUT . . . their portrayal of adoption and foster care - particularly the adults who care for these children - leaves much to be desired. The thing that especially saddens me are those in the fandom who buy into their portrayal without question. I recently started another fic that throws adoption agencies under the bus. I don’t fully fault writer’s. After all, the source material is flawed, and we all want to write Emma in character. However, I just hope I can give you another perspective.

Why in the world am I qualified to talk about this? Well, let’s see . . .

* My cousin fostered to adopt all three of her children, two of them brothers.

* My sister pursued adoption for several years before deciding to embrace being, as she puts it, “the best aunt ever” instead.

* My best friend waited ten years to adopt her precious daughter. She went through the heartbreak of caring for her first child - a son - until his birth mother changed her mind at the last minute before the adoption was final.

* We have a close family friend who is like an “extra grandma” to my kids and her adult daughter was adopted at birth.

* My sister in law and her brother are adopted.

* My husband’s youngest brother and sister were officially adopted by his dad after he married their mom.

* Another close friend of mine adopted her twelve year old daughter from The Philippines two years ago. She was born with her mouth fused shut, no feet, and no hands. I tutored this little girl for a year, and I love her to death!

* A friend of mine who is now in her sixties put her daughter up for adoption when she became pregnant at fourteen. The girl found her as an adult, and they have now forged a relationship.

* Another friend of mine is fostering her niece while her sister is in rehab. Right now, it looks like it may become permanent.

This isn’t even an exhaustive list of all the people I know who have fostered and adopted. These all span multiple locations as well. I know it’s not the same as going through it myself, but all of the above people are dear to me and it hurts me deeply to see their way of life misrepresented.

So here are just a few things that I want to point out concerning the plot on Once:

1. Domestic infant adoption in the US varies state to state, but it basically goes like this:

* If a birth mother decides to pursue an adoption while she is still pregnant, it is HER decision who gets her baby. If she goes through an agency (most common), she will get to look through profiles of potential adoptive parents. This is important to remember, PLEASE! The birth mother chooses the parents, not the other way around. If it’s a private adoption, she usually finds out about the parents through friends, family, or acquaintances, but the choice is still hers. Therefore, if Emma had decided to put Henry up for adoption before he was born, as the show implies, she would have been the one to pick Regina out as his adoptive mom.

* The birth mother can decide to meet the birth parents or never meet them. The birth mother has the right to ask for financial assistance for everything from maternity clothes to counseling after she gives the baby up. The only thing illegal is the mother can’t “sell” her baby. In other words, she can’t make a profit off the adoption.

* The birth mother also gets to decide if it is a closed adoption, semi open, or completely open. Even in a closed adoption, the child has the right to the birth parent’s medical records when they come of age. Open adoptions are on a scale. Some birth mothers attend birthday parties and have regular visitation. Others let the child decide on contact when they reach a certain age. Sometimes they send letters each year on the child’s birthday. There are dozens of arrangements the birth mother can come to with the birth parents, and it all gets spelled out in a legal document.

* The only time an infant is placed in foster care is if the birth mother decides after birth that she doesn’t want the child. This is always temporary. Infants are either returned to the birth parents or are adopted. THERE IS NO GROWING UP FROM INFANCY IN FOSTER CARE! Now, a child can be taken away from their birth home at a later date due to neglect, drug abuse, etc. But no kid is born into foster care. There are thousands of parents in the US waiting for an infant to adopt, more than there are babies to adopt. That’s why it took my best friend TEN YEARS to find her daughter. That’s why when a baby was abandoned at the Atlanta airport a few years back, hundreds of parents called family services wanting the child. The boy had a home (which became permanent) within 48 hours. There is no way a healthy, beautiful baby girl like Emma would have been put in that group home like we saw in season two. At worst, she would have been placed with foster parents temporarily until the waiting period was over. (See below)

* After the infant is given over to the birth parents, there is a waiting period. During that time, the birth mother can change her mind. This varies wildly from state to state. Here in Georgia, it’s two weeks. In Pennsylvania, where my best friend lives, it is an entire month. On day 30, my best friend had to give her son back to his birth mother. I can not convey to you the pain she endured. Having said that, I’m glad birth mothers have the freedom to change their minds. I would never want to go back to the 1950s when babies were ripped from the arms of their devastated mothers who were given no say in the matter. On a side note, some adoptive parents opt to let the baby go to a temporary foster home until the waiting period is over so they don’t go through heartbreak if the birth mother changes her mind. My next door neighbors chose that route when they adopted their daughter, but remember in Georgia, that’s only two weeks. With my best friend, she felt a month was too long and she was willing to love on that child even if it was only for a month.

* Even after the waiting period is over, the adoption is not official until the parents stand before a judge. Legally speaking, this is more binding than birthing a biological child. In other words, there is no going back. No returning the child. No exchanges. No refunds. Which brings me to . . .

THE SWANS GIVING EMMA BACK: If Emma was legally adopted, this would be impossible. She states that she was three when it happened, making it even less credible to me. The only way this would make sense is if they were foster parents who never legally adopted her. It is true that foster parents sometimes decide to stop fostering when they have biological children, but adoption? Nope. (Not to mention the show later claimed that Emma chose the last name Swan herself when she was 9 or 10, so . . . )

2. The cost of adoption:

* I don’t know where the idea comes from that it’s expensive for a birth mother to give her baby up for adoption. The adoptive parents pay for everything, as I stated above, or at the very least, they pay the medical bills. This doesn’t mean it’s EASY for a mother to give up her baby. Props to Jen for portraying Emma’s agony so well in season three! However, just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision for the CHILD. Obviously, my friend who is now in her sixties was unable to care for a child at 14, when she was a child herself! She was thrilled to hear her birth daughter tell her about the happy home she was raised in. Like Emma tells Henry, birth mother’s give their children up “to give them their best chance.” It is a selfless decision.

* It IS expensive to adopt - for the adoptive parents. There are legal fees, fees for home inspections (which expire and have to be redone yearly), travel fees, medical fees (not only maternity for the birth mother, but physicals for them, their children, and even their pets), and then additional fees if they are paying an agency. This is a simplified list, honestly. A friend of mine had a blog when she was adopting her sons from Ethiopia, and her list of paperwork that had to be filed was mind-boggling.

RUMPLE ARRANGING HENRY’S ADOPTION: Considering all of the above, it had to be an illegal, black market adoption. That does exist -however, it’s usually foreign, not domestic. Nine times out of ten, however, they just swindle couples who are desperate to adopt. But you know, Once writers . . .

3. The reasons parents adopt or foster:

* Inability to conceive - this has to be number one. It’s the reason my best friend adopted, and it’s the reason my sister pursued it for so long. One sad thing? The most common reason for infertility is a disease called polycystic ovarian syndrome. One of the symptoms is weight gain, regardless of diet or exercise. Yet guess what many countries require for you to adopt? A “healthy” BMI. Meaning women with PCOS have an even harder time adopting.

* Compassion for orphans - This is why my friends adopted their daughter from the Philippines. They have two biological children, but when they thought about the millions of orphans in the world, they felt led to share their home and family with a child who did not have one. I know several people who foster for the same reason. They aren’t doing it for a “check from the government.” (And fyi, the government gives them most of that “money” in the form of food stamps and other public benefits that often only covers the bare minimum.)

* A need in their family - My friend who took in her niece had just come upon her “empty nest years,” but she couldn’t look the other way when a three year old little girl was being neglected because of her mother’s addictions. She and her husband were then back to pull ups (the mother hadn’t even attempted potty training), preschool cartoons, and teaching the ABCs. Their niece also had spent so much time in an exersaucer that her legs were crippled and she still couldn’t walk. They had to pay for braces on her legs and physical therapy. But how could they turn away their own flesh and blood? (By the way, she is now five years old and thriving!)

REASONS TO ADOPT ACCORDING TO ONCE: To fulfill your own needs and soothe your own loneliness. I’m not saying there aren’t awful, selfish people out there who adopt for that reason, but I ask you: How many people would be willing to go through ALL the difficulties I described above for selfish reasons? It just doesn’t make sense. And frankly, it is insulting to the many adoptive and foster parents that I know and love.

4. Regardless of all of the above, adopted kids DO struggle at times.

* Mary Margaret tells Emma in season one that Henry has the same question that all adopted kids do: “why did my real parents give me up?” (I’m paraphrasing, but you remember this scene, I’m sure). This is actually true. Pretty much every family I know who has adopted, their kids have gone through this at some point. No matter how loving a home they are raised in, this question inevitably comes up. Some kids (or adults) meet their birth parents and find peace : they really weren’t able to take care of me, they really did want what was best for me, they did it because they loved me. For others, meeting their birth parents is painful. Yet none of that means the adoption wasn’t the best choice or that the adoptive parents were awful to the child (like Regina).

* Is the foster care system in the US flawed? Yes. There are too many cases and not enough social workers. Children fall through the cracks, some of them have tragically died. However, if you actually look into the facts in such cases, children are most often injured or killed not by foster parents, but by their birth parents. Usually it is the system’s failure to remove children from dangerous homes that is the problem, not cruel foster parents. There are also not enough foster parents for children who need homes, with older children being the hardest ones to place. Many of these kids are suffering from severe trauma and caring for them isn’t easy. Typically, the reason kids are bounced around in the system is because their parents keep regaining custody, loosing it again, regaining it again, etc, etc. By the time the parents either get their shit together or relinquish custody, the kid’s a preteen or teen. So my question for Once is:

WHY DID EMMA GET BOUNCED AROUND? She was put back in the system at three, but we don’t see her again until she’s eight or so at the movie theater. Do you really expect me to believe they couldn’t find a home for adorable, sweet, smart little three year old Emma? My sister would have adopted a little girl like that in a heartbeat! She wouldn’t have cared that she was three. We’re told that Emma kept running away, but at three?

No way little Emma was incapable of being adopted. I just don’t buy it. Since adopted kids have issues even in loving homes, why couldn’t that have been the writer’s narrative? Couldn’t Emma’s adoptive parents simply died at some point? In my opinion, the whole thing was just lazy writing.

#melanie rants #once critique

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lokis-lady-death · 5 years

Text

Falling from Grace

Loki x Reader

Lady Death Note: This is a story I’ve been working on as a mental health project that’s meant to be a 2 part mini for Halloween (yes I’m late so it’s more Dia De Los Muertos special lol). Part 2 should be up soon, but keep in mind this isn’t meant to be a sweet love story.

WARNING: This story contains sexual harassment/assault, mention of self harm and mental health

The dull sound of the windshield wiper blades passing back and forth over the glass was enough to lull anyone to sleep, but really everything about this day beckoned one to return to bed. The repetitious splashing of water against the car, the sound of tires rolling through puddles, the screech of brakes that slid across the wet pavement: the symphony of a wet, dreary day made you want to curl up under blankets dry and pretend the world didn’t exist. You didn’t want to do anything.

Least of all, talk to Dr. Banner.

Leaning your head against the window, you stared out at the blurry images of buildings passing by. You let out a sigh, catching eyes with your mother in the rearview mirror. She shot you a sympathetic smile you tried to reciprocate, but it was a hard reaction given the circumstances.

When you looked away, she glanced over at Earl, your step dad, who drove your family in silence down the main street of town to your weekly therapy session. His face was always the same expression of angry and confused, so it wasn't exactly clear how he felt about the whole situation.

Anna, your younger sister, sat beside you mesmerized by her phone like any other teenager her age, her bubble gum smacking.

A part of you wanted to ask to go back home, to forget this week's appointment, but you knew the answer to that unasked request.

It had been the same every week, for several years now, weekly sessions with a different assortment of doctors, all trying to make you 'better'. You weren’t allowed to miss an appointment, and now would be no different

So you sat lost in your own thoughts while your family road together in the cramped, broken down Oldsmobile until finally pulling up to the conglomerate of small businesses that shared the street front with Dr. Banner's clinic.

Before anyone else moved, you were already out of the car, pulling down the hood of your jacket and zipping up the front. The rain was lightly coming down, but when your mother got out with her bulky umbrella, you wondered if she expected a storm. She put a reassuring arm around your shoulders like always, giving you a slight squeeze before releasing you at the sight of Earl opening the door. Anna stayed in the car.

"Ya gettin' out?" Earl asked expectantly.

She shook her head, still staring at her phone.

Your mother, in her nauseatingly overloving tone pressed, "You don't need to just sit in the car, sweetie, come on, it won't be long-"

"I’m not sitting in there with those freaks.” Her tone wasn't any nastier than when she first started getting dragged to your appointments, but the words were still enough to send a twinge of guilt to your stomach.

You knew she hated this, hated you for this, but all you could do was offer, "I can go in by myself, you guys don't have to follow me everywhere."

Both Earl and your mother turned to you, your step dad leering over the car with a snicker, "We get paid to show the state that you're making an effort to get your shit together, y/n. I ain't risking our money on-"

"Earl!"

"No," he answered indefinitely, "We all come together to make sure she does what she's supposed to. That's the deal. Unless you're about to start working more hours at the diner, Janice?"

He had a nasty habit of talking about you as if you weren't there, but acknowledging it was never useful.

Especially when he wasn’t entirely in the wrong.

You had been known to cut sessions, going as far as to leave the house like you were to attend them only to blow them off at the local bookstore. Really the one and only reason anyone in your family even cared about your mental health treatment boiled down to one big factor- money.

Back when you were a child, you had a near death experience that rendered you, according to the government, handicapped. For that, your family- at the time just you, Anna and your mother-lived off Welfare, Food Stamps, Medicaid and Disability. It wasn't much, but it was enough.

Then came Earl.

He swooped in on his magic horse, enticed your mother into marriage, and then began his reign in your income-based-housing as the king. He made sure that you got every benefit you could, down to the last dime so that he didn't have to work, though Janice picked up shifts here and there when she could. It never made sense why your mom would get mixed up with a man like him, but you tried not to dwell on it anymore.

Because the truly unfortunate part?

When you should have been taken out of the system after graduating high school, you made one cataclysmic mistake that gave Earl just what he needed. He managed to render you legally unfit to live alone, making it impossible for you to move out and get on with your life.

Under court orders, you were forced to live under his roof while the state paid for your family's livelihood.

The condition for this? You attend weekly therapy sessions and keep a clean record for five years if you ever wanted the chance for a normal life.

Two years in, at twenty years old, you needed three more of good standing to be able to move out on your own.

So really you couldn't blame Anna; if you had a defective sibling that cost you your Saturday morning, you'd be pissed off, too.

You gave the argument, "You got me this far, I think it's safe to assume I can walk inside and wait alone. If nothing else you can stay out here and watch me go in, even go ask Stacy at the front desk if I saw the doctor."

His eyes narrowed, but your mom grabbed hold of your hand and agreed. "I think that's a fine idea. I can take Anna to go look across the street at the department stores, while you go fiddle around in the hardware store. Doesn't that sound like a good way to spend our morning, Earl?" Though she said it so assuredly, she looked back to your step dad for approval.

Moments like that always made your stomach sick.

Fuck Earl, and fuck his approval.

Letting a huff out through his mustache, he waved his hand towards you, looking away as if the sight of you made him ill. "Fine. But I'm going to check in, so don't fuck up-"

"Earl!"

You took in a breath and stepped away from the car, preferring to make your exit now rather than wait another second. Inside you couldn't help but smile at a familiar face before checking in with the doctor's receptionist.

"Yo, y/n, they ain't committed you to the nut house yet?" the man you smiled at commented as you walked to the sitting area. He held out a hand that you took and together you shoulder bumped.

Sam was quite easily one of your favorite people in this godforsaken place, having met him a little over a year ago when he started bringing his friend to see another doctor in the clinic. He had a small frame, but his loud personality was enough for him to make a big impact on you. Between his smooth, brown skin, neatly trimmed goatee, fresh cologne and bright grin, you’d even say he was a good looking guy.

"Naw, not yet. But today’s a new day, so who knows?"

He chuckled at that. "Was that your old man I heard outside?"

Embarrassed, all you could do was let out a shaky laugh. "Step dad. But, yeah, he's just an asshole. So how is our soldier holding up?"

Sam shook his head, dejected as he admitted, "Not too good. Still a lot of bad dreams. But the doctor is supposed to be giving him something to help with sleep so we’ll see how that goes."

You faced the ground, folding your hands in front of you as you sympathized, "Yeah, hopefully that helps."

You didn't know too much about Sam and Bucky, but from what you heard, they were soldiers together in Iraq before another friend in their squad died. Bucky had lost his arm while trying to rescue him from the flames of a Humvee that had taken an RPG hit. His body survived but his mind didn’t make it back from the war.

Just then, a man came into the lobby from the back rooms where patients saw their respective clinicians. His hair was long and shaggy, matching the unshaven fuzz on his face while his downhearted eyes kept down to the floor. One of his hands rested in his hoodie while the left sleeve hung empty at his side.

"Hey, Bucky, how's it going?" you called out. His eyes came up to meet yours and a faint curl graced his lips. He didn't speak, but to be fair, he only recently reacted to you at all, so this was an improvement.

Sam went over to the receptionist counter with Bucky as another man with a shaved head walked in.

This one, with his five o'clock shadow didn't have a hard time with eye contact as he locked onto you immediately, swiping a tongue across his lips. He made a gesture with his hand and mouth to imitate a blowjob. "Hey, sweet cheeks, if you ever lookin to party, hit me up, I don't care if you're a little looney, they say crazy chicks give the best head-"

"Boy, I'll knock you the fuck out coming in here talking like that to her!" Sam cut at him, his fists already tight.

"Whoah, whoah! Hostilities, Mr. Wilson, are NOT what any of my patients need!" you heard from the recognizable voice of Dr. Banner. Walking in behind the other man was your doctor, a shorter gentleman with a clean, well pressed suit and large green bow tie. His hair was salt and peppered, his brow thick and furrowed as he went on, "And Ajax, watch your mouth. Remember your exercises, you need to have some control. Now,” he turned to you, his brow relaxing as he offered you his sympathetic smile, “Miss y/n, come on in, I'm ready for you."

It was strange the way his voice could go from so stern to soft as a feather, but maybe that's why he was so good at talking to people like you. Hell, even the obscene jerk, Ajax, was doing somewhat better, considering the first time you passed him in the hall alone, he cornered you in the bathroom and immediately went to try and expose himself. Fortunately for you, Sam had a small bladder, and unfortunately for Ajax, his right hook was like a freight train.

All of you ended up keeping the matter to yourselves so Banner didn't kick everyone out of the office. It was because of Banner you, Ajax and Sam's friend Bucky stayed out of the state nuthouse, and as satisfying as it would have been to see police drag Ajax away, losing Banner's support wouldn't bode well for any of you. And comparatively speaking, it wasn’t the worst situation you could have encountered, based on the numerous stories about the deranged psychopath Ajax.

If the worst thing he ever did in your vicinity was flash his unimpressive, disgusting member, then you could handle it.

Because in the end it just wasn't worth it.

So you bottled the discomfort of seeing him every week, even as his comments stayed constant. Not much longer and you could be done with this place.

But even so, as you passed him by, you couldn't stop the utter look of disgust on your face at the site of him.

You stared at your feet as you beelined past Ajax, ignoring the comment he mumbled.

"I'd skull fuck you till you eyes popped like a soda can."

Suppressing the nausea of being this close to him, you ignored it, just ready to get the shitshow over and done.

Inside the room, you plopped down on the black couch just as Dr. Banner closed the door. "How are you doing, Miss y/n?"

Removing the hood from your head, you played off like always, as if a recording of yourself, "I'm doing alright, how about you, Dr. Banner?"

He quirked a brow, taking his usual seat across from you on a leather high-back chair.

"I'm doing well, thank you. But I meant more like how are you lately? Have you had a good week?"

"It was fine."

When you didn't elaborate, he went on, "Did you have anything interesting happen? Anything new at home?" You shook your head. "How about plans this weekend?" Again, you shook your head. "Well, how have things been at home? Did you have any… visitors?"

At that you sucked in you lips, shifting your eyes to a plant he kept in the corner of the room. “That’s really pretty, Dr. Banner, is that an orchid?”

Banner took in a deep breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose to help with the mental strain that was You.

"Come on, this is about open communication, y/n. Getting it out, letting everything into the open. Surely you can hold up half the conversation?" His thick brows raised in an empathetic style, waiting for you to take hold. "This is a safe space, you're not going to be punished for telling me anything. I'm not here to judge or berate you, I'm here to help you." Then he ended it all with his signature, sincere twinkle in his eye.

You grunted.

Of all the therapists you had ever seen, Dr Banner was the only one who could get anything out of you.

"I…” you rubbed both hands down your face, “I saw him. He came."

Banner leaned in, producing a small notepad and pen from nowhere while his eyes stayed on you. "The man in black?" You nodded, but knew that wouldn't be enough. "Did you do what we talked about? Did your exercises help?"

Your hands landed in your lap, your fingers twiddling while your chest had a quick rise and fall.

"Y/n?"

"I tried," you finally let out, "I really did, doctor, I just…”

"Are you afraid of him?"

To that you didn't answer, didn't make eye contact. Your breath left you at the allegation.

Were you afraid?

It had all began when you were just four years old, out fishing in the pond at your grandparent’s house with your dad in the dinky row boat he had used since he was a kid. You remembered how excited you were when he let you take the pole, how fearless you felt until the line gave a sharp tug. He tried to talk you through reeling it in, but it was quickly clear you couldn’t pull hard enough.

Taking the pole, he tried maybe three more seconds before the boat toppled over at a sudden jerk.

No one ever could figure out how it happened.

You didn’t remember anything after falling into the water except your tiny hands clawing desperately at the side of the slick boat to try and hold your head up.

But you sank like a rock.

That’s when your memory held the key moment that would change your life forever.

Choked on pond muck, your eyes were still open but didn’t have the same sense of life they once held. You hadn't even processed what had happened, or the fact that really you were already dead, when you saw Him for the very first time.

Dressed from head to toe in all black, with black long hair creating a halo around his white face, it could have well been from the midday sun shining behind him, but the man in black seemed to glow like an angel. His avocado colored eyes met yours with concern, his lips moving to speak but you couldn’t tell what he was saying.

After all, you were already dead.

Yet against all logic, in that instant you coughed up what had flooded your lungs, hurling to the side so as not to gag. Your mother and grandparents had just started running towards you when you could make out, clear as the nose on your face, the outline of the man in black walking away.

In the beginning it appeared you managed to come out of the whole incident with only a fear of water along with the belief of a guardian angel watching over you. Your father, however, was not so fortunate. His subsequent death was what many attributed to your belief in the man in black and, eventually, your decline in sanity.

"He's not real, y/n,” Banner reiterated, shattering the flashback as you came crashing back to the here and now. “That's something you know now. He's not real, he can't hurt you, not unless you let his existence push you like before. As long as you know, in your mind, he isn't real, that it's you in control, then that's what'll get you past this."

You hated when that unfortunate event got brought up, even when it wasn't meant to be a jab at you.

After the first time you saw him, the man in black became an obsession. Day after day, you kept asking your mother to find out who it was that had saved you from drowning, even though she insisted no one else was there besides your family. It was something you constantly spoke about, much to everyone’s annoyance, but having just lost your father they all turned a blind eye.

What was the harm of an imaginary savior for a four year old?

It wasn’t until a few months later that you started seeing him, or at least, an outline of him. Where his face was somewhat discernible at the pond, now he was a distorted image in the corner of rooms, or off standing in the distance outside. At first, you were excited to see him. You couldn’t wait to show him to your mother, to introduce him as the man who had saved your life.

The problem became clear when no one else could see him, but progressed when he started appearing more often.

In the beginning you admired the man in black, even at a certain point growing fond for him. When you first hit puberty, you innocent pubescent mind fantasized about him being some entity that was meant to love and protect you. In your head, you created this identity for him that didn't ever entirely go away.

And as you grew more curious, he seemed to start coming closer.

The first time he came close was when he suddenly appeared before you in the hallway in middle school. In any other circumstance, you might would have been happy with the progress you'd made with him, but this wasn't what you felt in that moment. Rather than have the slightly distorted image of a face, what you saw was more like a moving shadow. His arms stretched out and you could see blackness emanating from him, unlike anything you had ever seen.

It felt like you couldn’t breathe, yet you somehow managed to scream, throwing your books to the ground to huddle into the fetal position.

Everything just snowballed from there, leading to several psych evaluations, hospital stays, medications, and, most notably now, therapy sessions. Nearly everyone was certain you were making it up for attention as a high strung teenager that needed to be the center of everyone’s world, and that it would, one day, pass. It began to be something you no longer told others about, keeping the details of the growing issues to yourself as the years went by and the man in black became more and more brazen.

At its worse, there were nights where you laid completely catatonic in your bed, your heart pounding to the point of making you nauseated, all while he floated mere inches from your face, his body- black like he were clothed but too blurry to make out- floating parallel to yours.

What made this so disturbing was the empty, white vastness where his face should have been that you couldn't look away from. It felt like he was staring holes into your soul.

Somehow you managed to keep the worst of it to yourself until one particularly awful day your senior year when classmates teased you, calling you a freak and a liar. It had been hard living down that you saw someone no else believed existed, especially after your mental breakdown in the hall years earlier.

Kids tended to be cruel, and teenagers even moreso.

That particular day, some classmates followed you in the halls, calling you names, making jokes behind your back, their snide remarks etching more and more into you like ice being chipped away by a pick. You kept your face low, reasoning that if you just ignored them they would stop.

They didn’t.

For nearly five hours you endured their cruel words with no remarks of your own until finally you couldn’t take it anymore.

You were so upset and enraged by everyone's taunting laughs that you took the scalpel from the Biology lab and sliced down your arms.

In your head, the man in black had saved you in the pond.

Surely he would save you again, here, in front of everyone.

They would see, they would all know- that he was real, just as you always said.

But two days later when you woke up in the psych ward of the hospital strapped to the bed, you drew up the painful realization that everyone had been right. The man in black was, in fact, all in your head.

It all led you here, to this exact moment, in this exact place, facing Dr. Banner and telling him something to get through the session as you had done for years now. "It's not that I think he’ll hurt me, it's just that… Even though I know he's not there, it's like I can't…" You brought your fingers up to your chest, urging your heart to slow down. It was hard putting how you felt to words, because truthfully, you didn’t know. "I've been seeing him so long. I used to beg him to talk to me, to talk to my mom, to let everyone know he was there, but he never did. I think I'm just afraid if I tell him to leave..." you glanced up through your lashes.

Banner nodded understandingly. "You'd miss him."

Hearing it out loud sounded so ludicrous you cringed. “He's familiar, " you reasoned.

"Well, you've seen him since the pond incident, so I can understand you wanting to hold onto some remnants of that. You thought he was your protector. But, you realize now he's not real. I'm real. Your mother’s real. Anna’s real. We are a part of your support group, we are who you can come to in crisis. Not the man in black."

You looked down at your hands, having heard all of this before, and let out a simple, "Yeah."

"Y/n, I'm going to make a suggestion. Do you think that you could stay in the hospital a few days?" Your eyes widened, horrified at the thought of being in the psych ward again Seing your anxiety, Banner quickly backtracked, "It wouldn't be like last time, this time it would be purely for investigating these problems you're having. I have a colleague that has ran some basic neurological trials for patients dealing with similar cases of PTSD and I think it could be beneficial in your case, perhaps even-"

"I don't want to stay in a hospital," you cut him off.

As ill as everyone treated you, as crazy as you appeared, you couldn't take a hospital stay, it was just too much.

Banner leaned towards you, laying his hand across yours. "It's common for people who have gone through traumatic events to lock onto something that may have given them security. For you that was the man in black. In your child-mind, it was easy to take this imaginary person and put them into your life as a safety net. You gave him this story, that he saved you from drowning, like a guardian angel as you used to put it. But as that manifested into something… troubling, now you know how important it is to focus on reality. I know moving on is difficult but that's a part of this whole process, y/n. The neurology aspect just gives us a little more insight. What I mean is, it’s possible there was actual brain damage done during your… incident that could cause these hallucinations.” There was no change in your reserve and the good doctor sighed. “But if you're not willing to do it now, I won't make you." When you didn't look up, he offered, "Maybe, rather than tell him he's not real, tell him he's no longer needed anymore. You're strong, y/n, you don't need to hold onto imaginary saviors. You just need to let yourself see how much you can do when you believe in yourself-"

And just like that, an hour flew by with more of Dr. Banner's wisdom and finally you were allowed the sweet release of freedom.

When you walked back to the lobby, Earl was already at the registration desk talking to Stacy. She gave you a short wave while you walked passed them out the door. Anna and your mother were already sitting in the car to hide from the rain, your sister face deep in her screen. You slid into the back seat without a word when she asked, “How’d it go?”

You quirked a brow. “Fine?”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Good,” she nodded, leaving you more confused.

Your mother turned in her seat, beaming over at the two of you. “You gonna ask your sister about tonight?” she pressed Anna, who took in the most dramatic sigh and eye roll you had ever seen.

“Tom said his dad is letting him throw a party tonight, but Earl said the only way I can go is if you go.”

She wasn’t particularly beggy but you could tell by the wideness in her eyes that she was begging you to be a normal older sister and help a girl out. Just then, your step dad slammed his door and started pulling out of the parking lot.

“I wouldn’t know any of those kids-”

“You would know his older brother, he graduated with your class-”

You scoffed as obnoxiously as possible, leaning back in your seat to look out the window. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a hard no.”

Just as Anna was about to start her signature ‘Why is the world against me, my life is garbage, I hate my family’ spiel, you saw the glint in Earl’s eye in the rear view mirror.

Of course he didn’t want Anna to go out, he knew you wouldn’t agree to see anyone who would recognize you from school.

Feeling a fire burn in your gut, you cut your eyes in her direction. “You know what, on second thought, that sounds cool. I’m in.”

Earl mumbled a few curses while shooting you ugly looks in the mirror while Anna gave you a hollow thanks.

Turning away from everyone, you watched the rain dance down the window to the tunes of the radio’s static.

Once the car went into park outside of your apartment complex, you darted to the door through the rain. Anna followed suit, rushing your mom while she tried to juggle her purse and massive umbrella to search for her keys. She unlocked the door and your sister barged in past her while Earl stepped around, nearly making her drop her things. You took her umbrella from her hands while she fumbled with her bag some more.

“That’s why you’re my favorite,” she whispered you with a weak smile and tired eyes.

Looking away, you folded the umbrella and set it outside the door to dry, ready to lay down in your bed. Catching you just before you made it to your room, your mother stopped you with a fistfull of pills.

You frowned. “You know if I take that, I'll pass out-”

“Dr. Banner wants you taking these three times a day to help with the… uh…”

“Hallucinations,” Earl cut in from the living room where he had already set up in front of the TV. Your eyes narrowed in his direction but took the meds without another word.

“Don’t forget about the party,” Anna made sure to remind you before you closed your door. “I wanna leave here at six.”

You threw her a thumbs up, closed the door, and leaned back against it to take a breath. Five deep, calming breaths to help ease your nerves was something Banner had introduced you to,and though you hated to admit it, there were some soothing qualities to it, especially after dealing with your family.

Feeling a bit of tension release it’s hold on you, your eyes opened to your bedroom. It wasn’t much, but you appreciated your own space too much to care. Thick doubled curtains hung over the windows that lined either side of your bed, where a blue quilt and pillows were tossed around in constant chaos. Other than the bed, you had one particle board dresser and an old liquor crate you used as a night stand. Along the generically tan-painted walls, you had hung posters of your favorite bands like AC/DC, Metallica, and Motley Crue.

Three things about your room were guaranteed: first, your floor was always spotless, second, your room was never childish, and third, you kept it dark.

Why?

Because you never knew when you would have a visitor.

It was a conscious thing you always had in the back of your mind, that no matter the time of day or what you were doing, the man in black could appear at any moment.

And while others would leave every light in their house on and not concern themselves with appearances, you practically left open the proverbial front door, hoping to see him again in the same way as when you were a child.

A real person.

It was a sick thing you’d never admit to another soul, but you wanted to see him so bad that you basically gave him an open invitation.

Face planting into the softness of your mattress, you buried yourself in the blanket and soaked up the dark stillness of your room. Taking a few more relaxing breaths, you rolled onto your side, wrapping your arms and legs around one of your thicker pillows. You drifted off to sleep.

It was hours later when you started stirring, at first stretching out your limbs and arching your back. But as your eyes opened, you inhaled sharply at the sight of the man in black standing in the corner of your room.

Just as the times before, he was a blurred copy of a person, a dark stain in space with his face an empty white void. Your breath became shaky while you kept your eyes on him, afraid if you looked away he would vanish.

Or get closer.

Swallowing, you slowly raised yourself on the bed.

Do you ask him to speak like you had done the countless other times he appeared?

Or did you do your exercises from Dr. Banner and tell him you don’t need him?

The choice was taken from you when Anna knocked abruptly with the reminder, "Don't forget we have plans!"

"I didn't forget, I'm getting up," you called out blankly, disappointed at the disruption. The man in black was gone and once you checked your phone, you realized it was time to get ready to leave.

With an unenthused grumble, you rolled off the softness onto the cold hard floor.

You opted to change clothes, choosing a black Metallica shirt with denim shorts. Still hearing the rain pouring outside your window, you grabbed your hoodie and slipped into your flip flops.

Catching your reflection in the mirror on the back of the closet door, you wrinkled your nose at the plainness of your face. Walking out into the hall, you slipped unnoticed into the only bathroom in the apartment, quietly clicking the door shut. You opened up the vanity drawer and started digging at different things until finally coming up with a halfway decent makeup job. Heavy eyeliner, mascara and dark lipstick were as far as you got before Anna threw open the door. She was dressed in a lacey, spaghetti strapped romper that exposed the mauve bralette she wore underneath.

“Awesome, you’re ready, let’s go. Earl finished his first twelve pack and I'm ready to get out before it has time to settle.”

Leaning out the door, your eyes cocked towards the balding spectacle of a man laid back in the recliner in front of the TV. Making a sick face, you agreed, “Yeah, let’s get out of here.” The two of you grabbed up your things and made it to the door until you realized the car key wasn’t on the key holder. “Shit!”

Anna’s shoulders stiffened, then relaxed again at the sight of your mother walking out of her room. “Hey, mom, keys?” she mouthed dramatically though only whispers came out.

She nodded with a large grin, retreating into her room to reappear moments later with the keyring. Quietly handing it off to Anna, not you, she wished you both a nice evening and reminded you to stay safe and keep up with your phones.

The two of you quietly left the apartment and piled into the car, with Anna plopping down into the driver’s seat. “I can drive,” you mumbled, though Anna raised a brow.

“You’re not supposed to drive cause of your meds and I ain’t gonna die tonight.”

Rolling your eyes, you slid into the passenger seat, leaning all the way back and closing your eyes. “Then by all means.”

Watching from the laid back position, you saw the buildings fade away as more trees popped up into view. Tom’s home was just outside town in the suburbs in one of the nicer subdivisions. The houses started spacing out more and more as the homes got larger and larger before finally arriving at a house that seemed too big for any normal sized family. Several cars were already outside when Anna pulled the car up to the curve.

Before she could kill the engine, you told her, “Well this has been fun, but I’m gonna take off.”

“What? We just got here?”

Your nose crinkled in the direction of the house as you answered, “Look, it was nice of you to think of me, but I don’t wanna hang out with you kids. I’m gonna go find something else to do.”

Looking down at her hands, you saw something shift in your sister’s expression, something you hadn’t noticed in a long time. Sympathy. “Look, about what I said earlier, you know I don’t think you’re a freak right?” She looked back up to meet your gaze, her eyes glassed over. “And my friends, they’re not jerks, they’re not gonna be mean to you. Why don’t you come in, you might actually enjoy yourself.”

There was no changing your mind, you knew you didn’t want to be here. Offering her a head tilt and sideways grin, you shot back, “I know, Anna. I just feel like being alone right now.”

“Okay. But you aren’t taking the car.”

You sucked on your teeth, making a smacking noise then climbed out, sighing just before you closed the door.

"Y/n, if you change your mind?"

You didn't look back, simply waved your hand. As you started down the sidewalk. There was no doubt in your mind that you didn't want to be at that party, not even a small inkling that you wanted to be around those people.

Besides, if you were alone, there was always that chance you'd see Him again.

It hadn't been twenty minutes until you came to a bench at a small intersection. Pulling the phone from your pocket, you started aimlessly scrolling through social media.

*****

It had been several hours and you had made it through three accounts, dug two years deep into one person's life (by accident of course) and even read through emails on an account you only owned to have accounts on other websites, you were ready to be done with the night.

Stretching out your legs, you realized how stiff you had gotten.

"Alright, I'm done with this," you texted your sister, "It's time to go home."

Closing your phone, you were just about to slip it in your pocket when a strange sound cut through the air. You froze in place, narrowing your eyes down one of the incoming streets. It was the sound of tires screeching down the road, music from a radio blaring with unrecognizable lyrics through the night.

Rolling your eyes at yet another display of idiocracy of man, you went to start back towards where you left your sister. Ignoring the truck, you went on down the street a little further, your mind idling back to your appointment with Dr. Banner earlier. It wasn't the first time he had mentioned going inpatient with a neurologist to try and see if your trauma could be linked to some sort something, you didn't know what, but maybe more physical than psychological. It was an interesting theory, but in truth the idea of being in a hospital for any period of time didn't show any appeal whatsoever.

Your mind was a million galaxies away, oblivious to the world, only to come crashing down at the sound of a purring engine rolling up behind you. Still, you kept your pace and tried to ignore it.

After another few minutes, you had to fight the urge to turn around.

Until you heard a familiar voice catcall through the night.

"Hey, sweet cheeks, ya lookin lonely without soldier boy hanging around."

The blood in your veins turned to ice and your stomach flipped inside your guts. The unmistakable sound of Ajax calling out was too horrific to imagine.

Not here.

Not now.

It was so late at night you couldn't be certain anyone else would be passing by and your sister still hadn't answered your text.

"Suga lips, I know you hear me."

The truck was rolling steady right behind you but you kept walking, kept your eyes straight ahead.

That is, until it stopped and the distinct click of a door opening made you turn around by instinct. That's when you saw there were other men, not just Ajax, leering at you through the tinted windshield, but it was he who had hopped out and was starting towards you.

"Hey, come on now, I just wanna talk," he started, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about about that mouth of yours…"

"Yeah, come on chicken legs, why don't you let us give you a tide," another man added, followed by the animalistic cracked from others in the truck.

Frowning, you couldn't stop the roll of your eyes or tilt of your head, turning back to walk on your way. You hoped that would be enough to deter him, to show him you weren’t scared, while also helping you put more distance between you.

You didn't recognize. The sound of footsteps speeding your way, not in as quick as it happened. The unexpected bash to the back of your head was too hard, too swift, it knocked you out before your body even collided with the concrete.

*****

"Y/n?"

A gentle voice called out your name, both foreign and familiar. It was gone before you could discern it, though it didn't feel of any consequence.

Opening your eyes, the sky above you was a brilliant blue with just the right amount of white, clouds streaming through the atmosphere. Around your body, you could feel water flowing gently to guide you down a river.

It was rather abruptly that the water began to become rapid. Turning you one way and another. At first it was gentle enough, but steadily it began to toss you back and forth. Your body rocked back and forth, never allowing you control yourself to try and swim to safety.

Through the air, the voice came again, more abruptly and alert.

“Y/n!”

*****

Your eyes popped open with your heart pounding. This wasn’t a river you were flowing down, there was no blue sky or peaceful scenery. The strange sensation of being tossed around by rapids was actually the struggle of two men you didn’t recognize pulling your limp body in two directions.

That’s when you realized what was happening.

They were removing your bottoms.

Wasting no more time, your body jerked as you moved past the stinging on the back of your head, taking them men off guard and managing to get dropped onto the hard ground, but not at the loss of your shorts. Your bare thighs scraped against rocks and dirt as you scrambled to your feet.

All you could make out was they had brought you somewhere away from the neighborhood you were once in, the only thing remnant of civilization the cheaply laid dirt road they had pulled off of. There were several tall trees blocking the night sky and moon, the only light you had from the truck’s headlights.

Barely making it five feet, you felt wide arms wrap around your waist and jerk you backwards.

“Let me go!” you screamed, kicking, scratching, and slapping at whatever had taken hold of you.

“Feisty bitch, aren’t you?” the man commented, throwing you backwards against the hard ground. You landed with a hard thud on your shoulder before trying again to get to your feet.

A foot came forward and caught you in the stomach, violently knocking the air out of you to the point of gagging.

“Holy shit,” you could distinguish as Axel spoke up. A hand came down and lifted your head up by your hair, “Who would have thought the quiet crazy girl would put up such a fight!”

Your eyes were watery when you opened them, desperately pleading, “Please, don’t-”

A hard set of knuckles met your cheek, your being the only thing keeping you from collapsing back against the ground like you were simply a boxing bag.

The warmth of blood trickling down your face and strong smell of iron made your nauseous on top of the pain in your stomach.

“Shit, I think you broke her nose!” a man laughed.

Ajax’s free hand came around to inspect your cheek, turning your face so he could get a better look. “Nah, she’s aight, aren’t you sweet cheeks? But, maybe I need to call you something else now?” Another series of cackles rang out. “Aight, so, are you gonna play nice, baby? I hate to have to lick you ‘gain, but you can’t be whining, don’t nobody want to hear that.”

There was no controlling your sobbing, even at fear of getting hit again. The pain in your face and body was excruciating, unlike anything you had ever felt. The shatter of your nose cartilage and crunch of your lower ribs were enough to make your whole body convulse, adding to the horror of your reality.

But even as your eyes flooded with tears, you managed to make out a disillusioned being lurking just beyond the trees, a light glow of green forming around it.

Your chest thudded.

Not looking back at the men shuffling around you, you called out the only defense you could muster. “Help me!” you hollard frantically. “I know you’re there, I believe in you, I know you’re real, PLEASE!” The knuckles came against your face again, this time catching your in the ear. All you could hear was a distortion of ringing, but you didn’t let that stop you, looking back to the woods where you could see the glow, you called out again, “Please, please! Help me!”

You could hardly even hear the men laughing at your desperation, commenting amongst themselves as you pleaded with seemingly empty space to come to your rescue. The hand holding your hair released you, allowing your body to slink to the ground, exhausted, as each man began to undo their belt buckles.

“Please,” you whispered quietly, keeping your eyes closed tight, certain of what would come next, “Please, save me.”

A wind picked up, just enough to send a chill through the air that sent a shiver down your spine and caused the men to halt in their spot, just before a disembodied voice came from nowhere and everywhere all at once. “If you truly wish it, I will come.”

The headlights behind you shattered, startling you so badly that the only thing your torn body could do was pull together in the fetal position on your knees. Managing to keep yourself from screaming, you closed your eyes and shed several more teardrops.

If you weren't looking, if you were still, if you were quiet, maybe whatever had occurred would simply ceist.

Maybe, just maybe, if you prayed hard enough, everything that was happening would simply end.

Another second passed and nothing else happened, leaving you with nothing that could be done but open your eyes to whatever was unfolding. You lost all breath at the sight of two large boots standing in front of your own bare feet. You were unable to breathe, unable to think, at the sound of a distinctive voice cutting through the air, “But be careful what you ask for, pet.”

The man in black had actually come.

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dreamisawishyourheartmakes · 4 years

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10.18.2020

Thursday was not a good day. Let me tell you.

I have let go of what happened but I think this is the last step for me to let things go for good. It has been on my mind but I don’t want to talk about it with my husband no more. I respect how he feels and don’t want to let it show no more nor let it bother me anymore.

What happened was I made a post on my FB account about a shopping trip my husband took me on to a Whole Foods to spend $115 to get food that I could eat. I was dying for bread options. I do have some from a place I use my insurance but I wanted to see if there was a place that actually had bread that had less than 2 grams of protein more than 1 slice of bread. I found it and it was 1gram of protein for 2 slices of bread. HELL YES! The only BAD thing is that Whole Foods is expensive! Healthiness comes with a hefty price tag, that’s for sure. I have a rare metabolic disorder known as PKU(which is the shorter name). It basically means my liver is missing the enzyme that breaks down large amounts of protein. I can only have 8 grams of protein daily. For a very long time I did not follow the 8 grams of protein daily I was supposed to be doing me entire life. Anyway back to that post I made on FB. My cousin’s friend commented on it saying that I am a strong person and she could not imagine having to follow such a strict diet. I commented saying it was a diet of never having meat, seafood, chicken, dairy, etc. I also said that my sister went through it 3 times. My sister then posted saying “Yes, 3 times I went through it! It was extremely difficult to say the least. Even going on vacation and going out to eat at say a buffet, it was difficult. There is no such thing as eating out when you are pregnant. You technically shouldn’t just because it is harder to portion everything, unless you would be one of those people and bring measuring cups with you(i never was). But for what it’s worth, why eat at a buffet when what you’ll end up being able to eat there you can just eat at home. You would waste money honestly, so even though I knew eating out at a buffet was bad, I ate veggies and french fries and rice sometimes, knowing it was going to raise my level. But I told Kerri she should avoid eating out at all costs, but with her husband and his parents wanting to eat out often(NOW KEEP IN MIND I INVITED MY IN-LAWS TO COME PUMPKIN PICKING WITH MY HUSBAND and MY FAMILY and then MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SAYS SHE and HER HUSBAND CAN”T MAKE IT BUT IF WE GO OUT TO DINNER LATER LET HER KNOW...THERE WERE NO PLANS TO EAT OUT THAT DAY BECAUSE I TOLD MY HUSBAND I DIDN’T WANT TO DUE MY PRE-CON DIET BUT THEN I THOUGHT OF WANTING TO SEE THE IN-LAWS AND SAID WE WOULD GO TO A BUFFET WHICH IS MY BETTER OPTION BUT WAS 45 MINUTES AWAY FROM IN-LAWS...DID REALIZE SHE FIGURED WE WOULD GO TO DINNER UP THERE PLUS MY DAD CAN’T EAT A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS SO IT WORKS BETTER FOR HIM). Okay so back to finishing my sister’s comment off: that is going to be a huge problem. So she’s going to have a responsibility on her hands, basically making him and his parents understand the importance of this diet before and during pregnancy. After the pregnancy, it’s your choice as to what you want to do as far as the diet goes. But the ONE key thing in the PKU diet is the formula intake. Without that, the levels will stay high, not matter how good you watch what you eat. And while my sister goes food shopping at Whole Foods, I never did. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda” There was more but this is the part needed to understand what happened. I commented and said “Yeah ^^^^^^ Without my pku formula pills my levels would most likely be higher than they are now. Like a diabetic needs insulin a pku patient needs their formula to survive. The only problem there is the cost of the formula and without really good coverage no one can afford the cost and still we need many people in congress to support the nutrition equity act. It’s a bad battle but these people think ‘oh with controlling your diet with foods you’ll be fine’ WRONG! I don’t need my muscles breaking down because I’m trying to maintain low phe levels but not taking my formula! (Muscle breakdown happens when you don’t have formula and are taking in less formula or no formula at all). I also was reading about anabolism and catabolism. It’s quite complex but basically we need calories to keep levels lower too but we also need to lose body fat which also helps too(losing weight in pregnancy is not what any woman aims for) but you don’t want to lose muscle. It’s a complex diet that a lot of people do not understand and some doctors are like “What’s PKU?(It happened to me last year seeing a covering PCP doctor that has never treated a PKU patient nor ever heard of PKU before). So Thursday I get text from my mother-in-law “When you are done working at X-time we need to talk.” Well, I kind of was thinking “what happened now?” I thought it might have had something to do with a post on FB because what else could be wrong and if it were serious she would have called. I said to her text “Sure. What’s going on? Everything ok???” She says “Physically I’m ok. We will talk at x-time” Mind you I got stuck with training so I clocked out a few minutes later than my off time. I get a call on my phone and a minute after that first call comes another. I was finally able to look at my phone see I had 2 missed calls a minute a part from one another. Now I am in pain with my left arm trying to hustle and make dinner for myself on top of rearrange pots and pans so I can have better access to them when needed. I called my mother-in-law back on a different number so I could record what is being said exactly. YES, I RECORDED IT SO SHE CAN HEAR HOW SHE JUST TALKS AND TALKS AND DOESN’T LET YOU TALK WHEN NEEDED AND IF SHE DOES LET YOU TALK SHE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT IS BEING SAID TO HER AND NEVER FINISHES WHAT SHE SAYS AND JUST GOES ON AND ON IGNORING ANYTHING YOU NEED HER TO HEAR.

Well I will try and break down a 23 minute conversation of all her talking and me getting to say some things 3 different times. She basically told me she knows I(meaning me) don’t care and was asking what my sister was talking about airing on FB about eating out at buffets MIND YOU MY SISTER WAS GENERALLY SPEAKING AND NOT SPEAKING ABOUT LAST WEEKEND BUT SEE ASSUMPTIONS ARE MADE BECAUSE HIS MOTHER SITS ON FB AND READS EVERY LITTLE COMMENT MADE ON MY POSTS. SHE ASSUMED MY SISTER WAS TALKING ABOUT LAST WEEKEND when we were not planning to have dinner out. The only reason we talked about having it is so we could see his mother because YES I DO KNOW WE DON’T SEE MY HUSBAND’S FAMILY OFTEN. MY HUSBAND’S PARENTS DON’T SEE THEIR SON OFTEN BECAUSE HE WORKS 6 days a week and has ONE DAY OFF from his 2nd job. He then works his full-time job 5 DAYS A WEEK. She brings that up at the end of the conversation saying that I see my family a lot more and yet my sister doesn’t say anything about that. WHY WOULD SHE? THAT IS IRRELIVANT ANYWAY. I go to my parent’s house I take care of myself and my parents understand when I can’t do something, I CAN NOT DO IT. My in-laws though will push it and say “OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE YOU CAN HAVE SOMETHING. THERE ARE OPTIONS.” Right, there are BUT I should not even consider eating out because there is more to it like knowing every little ingredient in foods, weighing foods out, etc. Yes my sister did right out say in her comment “But I told Kerri she should avoid eating out at all costs, but with her husband and his parents wanting to eat out often that is going to be a huge problem.” YES SHE IS RIGHT because THEY DO LIKE TO EAT OUT. I know his mom wants to get me out of the house but do we always have to involve food? We can’t see a movie? We can’t go bowling(She bowls in a league)? We can’t go have our nails done? You can’t come down here and have dinner with me and we can cook together which she loves doing? I don’t get it. There are so many other options that don’t involve eating out and an option of coming here as she does not work and is not tied down anymore. I said to her “You know could have just come down here since I work from home and am off of work too late to drive an hour and 10 minutes away and I should have said that but I didn’t because I KNOW YOU WON’T MAKE THAT COMMUTE SINCE IT’S TOO FAR FOR YOU/” She didn’t know what to say. She said “Yeah, well that is true, but yeah well you know maybe we can take turns going back and forth eating at each other’s place” YEAH OKAY BECAUSE THAT WON’T HAPPEN. HER SON KNOWS IT TOO BECAUSE THEY NEVER PICK UP THE PHONE TO ASK IF THEY CAN COME HERE BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS TELL ME THAT THEY NEVER SEE THEIR SON.....NOT MY FAULT. WE CAN’T AND WILL NOT BE TRAVELING UP THERE ALL THE TIME AND WE HAVE BEEN. GET OVER IT. 94 year old landlord drives more than my own mother-in-law who is 63!

Anyway, I need to get done. I have to do some laundry!

My sister was generally speaking and because the WORD BUFFET WAS IN IT FROM MY SISTER’S PAST EXPERIENCE EATING OUT BUFFETS KNOWS HOW HARD AND TOUGH IT IS TO DO SO and HOW BAD THAT IS AND CAN ABSOLUTELY RAISE PHE LEVELS.

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covid19stories · 4 years

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The adjustment to living and working in isolation has been rocky, to say the least. I’m a graduate student in the first year of my highly-structured program, and already the second half of the semester is wildly out of whack. Our spring break started on March 8, so they had to extend the break for another week while they worked to move classes online. They’re thinking that our mandatory summer semester will have to be online too.

I've been sheltering in place since last Monday (March 16), my state put out an official order starting this past Tuesday, and theoretically it'll end in the first week of April but I don't believe that will stick. I have not been able to work on anything. Most of my strategies to stay focused relied on me getting out of my apartment to libraries or campus to work, and using any time at home as free time. Convincing my brain that being in the apartment is not a free pass to play video games and surf the internet all day is an ongoing debate. Usually it’s one I end up losing. I’ve stopped working out, and any motivation I do find is frittered away on craft projects or video games before actually taking hold on something that needs to be done for school.

My apartment is pretty out-of-the-way and I don't have roommates, so connecting with people was already a challenge. I'd come to rely on class time, campus events, and regular DnD meetings to get face-to-face interaction with people, and doing everything virtually isn't quite bridging the gap. I don't have family in town, but there's not much point to me moving the six hours back home, because my apartment won't stop charging rent if I'm not here. It’s also a logistical nightmare to move back home for an extended period of time, because I can’t fit my cat and all of her needs into my tiny sedan for a six-hour drive and still have room for everything else. And with nobody coming to visit for the forseeable future, I don't have much motivation to keep my apartment tidy, so it's turning into a bit of a disaster zone of loose fabric and unfolded laundry.

It seems like everyone that I can't help is the most scared. My mom thinks she was exposed to a COVID case at work before they made everyone work from home. My sister and most of my best friends have been laid off, and food and rent don't stop costing money. We're all getting spooked by allergies and sore throats and sniffles. I can see this turning into a generational trauma like kids of the Depression. I had just confessed to a girl I liked before all of this trauma hit, and we had to immediately cancel all of our planned trips to see each other.

Theoretically, I still have my hobbies, but my goal with what I make is to share them with others. I can't cook as much as I want, because I can only make enough at once for a single person to eat before it goes bad. Now that all of my and my friends' conventions and contests through May have been cancelled, and all the June and July events nationwide are biting their nails, I don't have much motivation to sew anything. No point if there's nowhere to wear them for at least five months, and when I've tried to work, it just makes me sad to think about all the friends I won't be able to see. I've made a few hospital masks, but that's sort of depressing to work on. Plus, even though I like watching TV and movies, I really only watch things when I'm watching them with someone else, so I've been falling behind on even the things I like.

I find myself crying an average of 2 times per day this past week or so. I try not to think about my situation, because it just makes me upset to face it. I’m still safe and healthy, and doing everything in my power not to become a vector, but my mental and emotional health is taking a pretty major blow. My comfort and happiness can’t come before everyone else’s safety, after all.

#covid19 #coronavirus #submission

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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When was the last time you ate out for lunch? A few weeks ago at Disneyland. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? I don’t even remember. It’s been several years since I’ve worn a swimsuit. Is your dream job attainable? I don’t have a dream job. :/ Have you ever been to an auto show? No. Have you ever wondered how flies get away from being swatted so quickly? They’re able to fly.

Have you read a newspaper today? No, I don’t read the newspaper. I get my news online or on TV. What was the last thing you cooked for dinner? I don’t cook dinner, but I do make a bowl of ramen every night. It’s my late night food. Do you live in the city/town you were born in? Yeah. Can you remember the last song you listened to? Say So by Doja Cat. Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow? Nope. I’m done with school and I don’t have a job. Have you consumed dairy today? Yeah, the shredded cheese I had with my ramen. Have you slept for longer than usual today? I haven’t slept yet today. It’s 3:39AM, so I’ll be going to bed soon. Have you ever been to a drive-in theatre? A few times when I was a kid. I wish they still had those, it was fun. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Have you consumed alcohol today? If so, what? No. What’s your go-to website when you’re really bored? Bored or not I always go on Tumblr, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My brother did the whole Thanksgiving feast, actually. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? Nope. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Yes. Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Yep, piano and violin. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? I went with a friend a few times. Do you live with your parents? Yes. Are there any embarrassing school pictures of you anywhere in your house? Not anywhere out in the open, thankfully. Can you do a blackflip, or anything else of that sort? Nope. What moment in your life have you been most scared? I’ve had a lot of moments like that. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? No. Do you ever make your own surveys, or just take them? I just take ‘em. What would your parents do if you told them you were pregnant right now? Uhhh they’d be very shocked and have a lot of questions. I’m sure they’d think I was kidding at first. Have you ever actually thought you were pregnant? Were you? No. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Both. I’m a phone person in the sense that I’m on my phone a lot, not for phone calls or text messages, but for other things. Do you like to cook, or do you prefer when other people cook for you? I’m not a cook, so I like when others cook. Well, except for ramen. I like to make that myself. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? I don’t know. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? I can’t work at this time. Have you ever ripped your pants in public? No. Do movies such as ‘Saw’ and ‘The Grudge’ scare you easily? When I was younger, but nah not anymore. Who do you talk to the most on MSN? I’ve never used MSN. How many best friends do you have? What are their names? My mom. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever been dared to do? Did you do it? Nothing. Do you know anybody who has a birthday today? Nope. When is your birthday? How old will you be? July 28th. I’ll be 31. :/ Do you change the radio stations repeatedly in the car? I don’t listen to the radio anymore. Can you drive? Nope. Have you ever thought someone was talking to you, but it turned out they were on the phone? Did you play it off? Lol, yes. I’ve also waved back to someone who was actually waving to someone else. What do you consider to be a good grade? What do you consider to be a bad grade? Good to me was A’s and Bs. Bad was D’s and F’s. Have you ever had a teacher who hated you? No. Teachers loved me, I was a “pleasure to have in class.” Can you remember who your grade 5 teacher was? Did you like them? Yes. I remember crying when I first found out who my teacher was cause I had heard she was a mean lol. She wasn’t, though. I realized that a lot of the time, the people who said that about a teacher were actually the troublemakers. What’s your favourite TV show? I have several. In your opinion, who is the best looking celebrity out there at the moment? Alexander Skarsgard. Do you like peanut butter cookies? Yeah. Do you know anybody that has severe allergies? Yes. Do you have an iPod? How many songs are on it? It’s stored away, but yeah. I have no idea how many songs are on it. I haven’t used it since like 2012. Who was the last person you slow danced with? My crush danced with me at prom, ha. What was the last song you listened to on repeat? Say So by Doja Cat. What’s your favourite song at the moment? Say So by Doja Cat. It’s just so catchy. Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. Do you ever ride the city bus? How much does it cost you? Not anymore, but I had to sometimes back in college. How do you get to school? I’m done with school. Speaking of school, do you like it or hate it? I liked it overall, I guess. Looking back on it now after a few years I can say that, but during it I didn’t feel that way. Are you a social person? Nope. Are you reliable? I don’t feel very reliable...not now. I used to be. What person/people do you trust the most? My mom. Do you say ‘like’ a lot? Yeah, probably. What is the last book you read? Did you enjoy it? Because of Bethlehem by Max Lucado. Yes, I loved it. Do you buy CD’s anymore, or just download the songs? I just use Spotify. What is your favourite beverage to have in the morning? Coffee. Always. Do you scream out the answers while watching game shows on TV? I don’t “scream” them out, but yeah.

Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? My family. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? I don’t plan on having or adopting kids at all. Do you have a brother or a sister? If so, are you close with them? If you are an only child, do you ever wish you had siblings? I have two brothers. I’m really close to my younger brother. When was the last time you were with all of your best friends? I see my mom everyday, we live together. We do a lot of stuff together. Do you ever go into photobooths? I did when I was a kid sometimes. Like the ones at the mall. Do you waste money on unnecessary things? I mean, I don’t need to keep buying clothes... I definitely have more than enough. Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? I don’t want a wild animal for a pet. They’re not meant to be pets. What bill do you hate paying the most? Uh, all of them. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? Hmm. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Never. Name of your second grade teacher? Mrs. K. What do you really want to be doing right now? I should go to sleep. What did you want to be when you were growing up? I wanted to be a teacher when I was a kid. Gas prices...first thought? They’re high. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, who and where would it be? I don’t know where, but I’d move with my family. We want to, actually. Last thought before falling asleep last night? I don't recall. My mind goes all over the place. Favorite style of underwear? Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex? Hipster for me, boxers or boxer briefs for guys. What errands or chores do you despise? I don’t particularly like doing any of them. Your favorite cartoon character? Winnie the Pooh. Favorite non sexual thing to do with girl/boy? Talk. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing? It’s a secret. What was your first car? Never had one. Your best YO MAMA joke? What year is this. Beach or lake? I love the beach. Who do you stalk on Facebook? No one. Favorite guilty pleasure? I don’t consider anything I like doing to be a guilty pleasure. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? There isn’t one I’m ashamed of. What's your drink? Coffee. The regular kind and Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink. Do you cheer for the bad guy? I do like a good villain in a movie. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? None. What do you want to do when you are sick? Sleep. Who from high school would you like to run in to? No one. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Alexander Skarsgard. What famous person would you like to sleep with? I mean... ^^^ ha. Start a new career, or relationship? Neither at this time. Do you go to church? Not at this time, but I do listen to the sermons from a local church that are uploaded every Sunday.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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gothic-punk · 4 years

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If you aren't outraged, then you just aren't paying attention

In the last 10 years, rent for a one- bedroom apartment in Toronto has increased 132% from an average of $790/month to $1833/month, while minimum wage has increased only 47% from $9.50/hour to $14.00/hour. In order to afford a one-bedroom apartment, you need to work full time making at least $33.70

My sister has been living in a shitty tiny one-bedroom apartment for a long time, before the rent prices got super crazy. All the other units prices pretty much doubled, and her rent goes up something like $20 each year. The landlord has even started harassing her and trying to find any reason to evict her so they can rent it to someone else for much more money. My mom even suspects that they are messing with the water pressure for the unit. It’s fucking ridiculous.

But of course my sister can’t move. She’d love to move, she’s wanted to for a while, but who tf can afford $2000 a month for rent, especially when food and transportation in this city is so expensive as well? Once upon a time there were many 16 year-olds with their own apartment (myself included) but now I’m meeting people way in their late 20s who live at home cuz they can’t afford to do otherwise. This shit is crazy.

What is Toronto doing about the high cost of rent? Getting paid by Google so that Google can setup a high-tech neighborhood that no one but the elite will be able to afford to live in, while Google collects everybody’s private information from the gazzilion sensors, cameras, and recording devices that they plan to install in public spaces and private buildings. (No, for real - look up SideWalk Labs). One month’s rent before utilities should cost the same as four months tuition at college. A young person with no family can’t afford to go to school full time and rent an apartment. I’ve been homeless in Toronto during the winter - it’s not something people should go through, especially if juggling school and/or work. And then there are those who have kids. If you can’t afford rent and food, then the province takes your kids away. Some of you might say “then just move somewhere cheaper” - that cost a lot of money to do too, and there’s no grantee you’ll find work there either. This is a coordinated attack on the 99%.

#canada #canpol #canpoli #cdnpol #cdnpoli #toronto #ontario #rent #housing #cost of living #vancouver #protest #victoria #calgary #bc #british columbia #minimum wage #liberals #conservatives

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k1ttysky · 4 years

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My ninja way

Hii guys this is my frist story posted on tumblr. It’s a naruto oc fanfic. Hope you enjoy!!

My bedroom door slams open and sister Sophia walks in.

“Rise and Shine baby sis. Time for a great day,’’ she yelled way too happy. I groan and get up.

“ What time is it? I was going to get flowers for mom and dad,” I yawn out. I get up and walk to the bathroom.

“ It’s 7:30 am. I’m making food want some?” she yells as I start the shower.

“Yes please”, I laugh and get ready to shower. 15 minutes later I get out of the shower and get dressed. I brush my hair and put on some light lipgloss. I walk downstairs and smell pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

“Mmm smells good. Thanks for the food,” I say to Sophia and grab my plate.

“No problem. What time are you leaving to get flowers?” she asks as she sits down. She says thanks for her food and starts eating.

“I don’t know maybe after I eat. I’m going to head to Kura’s place before,” I say with food in my mouth. Sophia hits me in the head with her hand.

“ No talking with food in your mouth. But, okay I’ll meet you at mom and dad’s place with Aiden later on,” she says. I nod and put my plate in the sink. I grab my shuriken and wallet, then put on my sandals. I kiss Sophia’s cheek goodbye and head out. I walk to Sakura’s place and get there a little while later. I knock on the door and wait for her to open the door.

“Who is it?” she yells from behind the door. I sigh and laugh to myself.

“It’s me, Hana,” I yell back. I wait for her to open the door. I check if I have enough yen for flowers. The door opens and her coffee-colored eyes look up at me.

“ Hannie, oh gosh I thought you were coming later on,” she says while letting me in. We walk to the living room and sit down. She cuddles up to my side and sighs.

“So, you wanna go with me to see my parents place later on,” I say looking down at her. She nods and cuddles deeper in my side.

“ We have to go to Yamanaka Flowers soon okay,” I say again looking down at her. She nods and starts to fall asleep. I giggle and get a book to read. 2 hours later I start to wake Sakura up.

“ Come on Kura. We have to get flowers,” I gently shake her shoulders. She wakes up slowly and stretches.

“It’s time already,” she yawns slowly. I nod and get up. I hold my hand out to her and she grabs it. We walk to the front door and she grabs it. We walk to the front door and she puts on her sandals. We head to Yamanaka Flowers and walk-in. A blond hair lady and pink hair lady are standing next to the counter.

“Hi, welcome to Yamanaka Flowers. How can I help you?” The blond lady asks.

“ Hi, I’m Hana and this is my friend Sakura. We’re here to buy some sweet pea’s,” I say smiling.

“Oh, I’m Ino and my friend Sakura too,” she says as she gets the flowers. Sakura gasps and looks at the older Sakura.

“Ohh, what’s your surname? Mine’s Nara,” she says to Sakura. She giggles.

“ My first one was Haruno but now it’s Uchiha,” she says smiling at us.

“ Wait, you’re an Uchiha too. Who are you with,” I say quickly. I thought that there was very little Uchiha’s left.

“I’m married to Sasuke and we have a daughter,” she says. wow. She’s married to the Sasuke Uchiha. I would love to meet him.

“Here’s your flowers Hana. That will cost 5 yen,” Ino says after walking back to us. I open my wallet to hand her the yen but the older Sakura stops me.

“I’ll pay I know what today is for you. Maybe you’ll see Sasuke there,” She says. How sweet of her.

“ Thank you, Miss,” I bow to her and grab the flowers. Sakura ad I wave to them and walk to the graveyard. Sakura swings our hands between us as we walk. When we arrive I see Sophia and Aiden waiting for us. Sophia goes to hug us both.

“Hi, Sakura. I haven’t seen you in forever. How are you?” Sophia asks while kissing our cheeks. Sakura giggles and hugs Sophia back and waves to Aiden.

“ I’m doing well. Thank you for asking,” she says while smiling. Her smile is beautiful, but that’s not important right now. Sophia, Aiden, Sakura, and I all walk-in and head to where my parents rest. We stop in front of 2 graves, where are parents rest. I never really knew them well, they were killed when I was a baby. Sophia, Aiden, and I weren’t there that night so when we came home, Sophia made me stay with Aiden outside. When she came back, her face had some blood on it. The 3 of us stayed at the Hyuga Compound until Sophia and Aiden had enough money to get a place to live. I use to be babysat by Hinata and Neji when I was younger. I heard that Neji died at the Fourth Great Ninja War.

“ Hana, the flowers please,” Sophia says while crying slightly. I hand her the flower and she puts them down at each of our parent’s grave. Sakura leaned into me and squeezed my hand. I look down at her and mouth thank you. We hear someone clearing their throat and we turn around.

“You’re Sasuke Uchiha,” I blurt out without thinking. Sakura and Aiden laugh while Sophia starts scolding me.

“ Well, yes I am. You must be Hana and your friend Sakura,” he says while nodding at us. HE KNOWS ABOUT ME.

“ Wait, you’ve heard of me. How?”I ask. I haven’t done anything that important yet.

“You met my wife at Yamanaka Flowers earlier,” he says. How did Sakura get him to tell him and not run into us? I guess we’ll never know.

“ I’m going to guess your parents were there that night,” he says while nodding to my parent’s grave. Sophia explains half our life to Sasuke while Aiden, Sakura, and I small talk.

“ My wife would love it if you 4 would come to dinner tonight. She wants to have many guests there,” he says. Yay, I get to go to the Uchiha Compound.

“Yes, we would love to come over. What time?” I ask while cutting Sophia off. Sakura and Aiden laugh while Sophia glares at me.

“Ah, thank you. You can get there around 6:30. I’ll assume you know where the compound is,” he says. I’m so excited. I wonder what it’s like there.

“Sure we do. We’ll see you then,” Sophia says. Sasuke nods at her and walks away. His black cloak follows behind him. I wonder if it’s hot with that on.

“Sakura, would you like to come over or did you want us to pick you up?” Sophia asks while getting ready to leave.

“I would love to come over Sophia,” Sakura says to Sophia. We all get our stuff and walk home. We got back home about 10 minutes later.

“Well, it’s only 11 o’clock. We have some time to waste. Whatcha wanna do,” I ask everyone as we walk in.

“Hana, can we train? Pretty please, I wanna work on my shadow possession jutsu,” Sakura says while looking up at me with puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s do it out back,” I said nodding at her. She squeals in excitement and follows me. We walk to the back door and head to the backyard. Sakura walks father away from me and gets in a fighting stance.

“Ready,” I yell out to her, She nods and starts running to me. She throws 3 kunai blades at me and I run out the way.

“Fire Style! Fireball Technique!,” I shout out aiming fireballs at Sakura. She dodges them and disappears. I look around for her.

“Earth Style! Groundhog Technique Decapitation!,” she shouts from below me. I fall into the ground and my head shows only. I growl and make 2 shadow clones to pull me out. Sakura is to busy laughing at me to notice. I pull out my earth scroll and run behind her.

“Earth Style! Fanged Vengeance Technique! Shinobi Conjuration!,” I yell and the ninja dog tackles her to the ground. I run to her and put a kunai at her throat.

“Ready to give up yet,” I say with a smirk on my face. She blows a piece of her cherry-red hair away from her face.

“Fine but that’s a dirty trick,” she says. I laugh and release the jutsu. I help her up and walk into the house.

“You, two go clean up. You’re filthy and getting dirt in the kitchen. Also, I’m making lunch, I’ll save you some,” Sophia says while cooking. I groan and head upstairs to shower. 30 minutes later after we shower and get dress Sophia starts to serve food.

“Thank you, Sophia,” Aiden, Sakura, and I say to Sophia. We all sit down and start to eat. We finish eating and start to relax.

“I have to guys. I promised I’d visit Shikamaru and Temari today,” Sakura says while grabbing her stuff.

“Okay, you want us to pick you up?” I say to Sakura while laying on the couch. She nods and leaves.

“Sophia, I’m going to take a nap. Wake me up at 6:15 please,” I say while grabbing a blanket and getting comfy. She nods and starts reading. 5 hours later Sophia starts shaking me.

“Ugh, 5 more minutes,” I say while stretching.

“No, get up it’s 6:15. We have to leave soon,” she says.

“Fine, I’ll get up,” I groan and get up and head to the bathroom. I brush my teeth and dress up a little nicer. I put on some black dress pants and a nice blouse. I head downstairs to where Sophia and Aiden are waiting for me.

“Come on, we’re going to be late,” Sophia says while opening the door. Aiden and I follow after her and head to Sakura’s place. I knock on her door and it swings open. There she stood in a fluffy black dress and black flats.

“Wow, you look pretty,” I say while looking at Sakura. She blushes and closes.

“um, thanks. you look great too,” she says while looking down at her feet. Aiden clears his throat and nods to the pathway.

“Right, the dinner. Come on Sakura,” I say while following Aiden. We walk up to the front door of the Uchiha compound. Sophia knocks on the door and a strange man with red hair opens the door.

“Oh, hello I’m Garra of the desert. Nice to meet,” Gaara says. Oh right the Hokage from Suna No Kuni. I bow and poke the others to do so too.

“You don’t have to do that,” he says while shaking his hands in front of him.

“Gaara is everything okay out there?” a loud, cheerful voice says. A guy in a green jumpsuit and orange leg warmers pops out from behind Gaara. Oh, I remember him. Rock Lee, he has a kid named Metal.

“Everything is fine Lee,” Gaara says while letting us in.

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riccahgalindo · 4 years

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Found it (Short Story) 2700 words

"I'm done. I don't believe in love anymore"

Contemplating in the black sanded beach and when the waves crashes to the shore, the memories recurs all the joyful happenings when we were together. As the seabreeze touches my eyes the pungent sirocco entered my iris and that goes along with the fluid in my eyes began to shed tears. Holding tightly the sand feeling like the point of the needle stitches my palms. And I said "I'm a queen with or without."

Back when we were together

We were really hitched to each other. That was my unbelievable feelings that I got attached into him. In all of my suitors, the love for him I felt was sincere. He is a tall guy with a sexy lips, a seducing eyes, and a sporty. After class hours he always goes to my school to accompany me to go home. We were really happy back then, we play jokes to each other. Everytime I have a training for dancing, he guard or watch me dance even it's dark outside and the big thing is his house is far. Until the time reached that he replied so cold. I hope when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories, I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying; "she loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I destroyed her." but in my mind I am a feeling woman and I don't need a man. People come and go so if he think he "played" me ,but who ended up losing ? I mean what did l lose? a boy that didn't appreciate what I did for him ? what did you let go ? a girl that would go out of her way to please you, and someone that rode with you thick and thin. a girl who loved you regardless of your flaws.You can easily be replaced, buta girl like me? good luck finding a girl who put up with you like I did, sorry but u played ur own damn self. I even remembered how I let him go and cried after I was replaced with a acolyte of church. So I message him "We gotta end this, it's not my intention to leave you but I know where this relationship goes.I know about your side chick yoooo I'm still better than her where is our agreement that if you'll find another girl make sure that it's more beautiful than me, but I'm good now. Sorry we really have dispargements that is which we can't hold it anymore. But thank you anyways thank you for giving me a chance to find someone better than you. This is the end of you and me. "

It's been 10 months and I haven't seen a replacement of that guy. I even made a jangle with his side chick which is he substituted me with a girl that is near on him or let's call his "classmate" which now they're already done and the last guffaw is on me with the raised eyebrow and a smirk. And when I heared gossips that she called me "unattractive", I felt so indignant at the same time I how could you accept being called "unattractive" when you know yourself that you're more gorgeous than her so I immediately chatted her like I want to strike her a keyboard in her face and this how it goes.

"Hi hobo, was 'bout to give no time 'bout you but I heard you're talking 'bout me. Gossips that makes me in a mood for chaos. Sorry to interupt but you're too fortunate talking to me now. You might have forgotten what you are hitting. You really find yourself pretty huh? yet your looks' too common. God my skin care cost pricey than you. Save your skin or I'll tear that shit off. Ohhh shoot heard 'bout your rumors.Protect it, it may ruin your reputation. It's alright if you're hot and smart as me but biiiitch, you're just a piece of rubbish to me. So breathe for now, I'll give you air. Free to challenge me, you'll lose cus I got more attitude than you.AND watch out cus you two won't last. Now shoooo shady biatch! Je m'en fous"

"Huh? What did I do to you"

"Heard gossips that you called me 'unattractive'? Don't pretend you don't know cus my friend reported it to me from your friends in your school. Sad for you, even your friends are back stabbing you hahahah. Now prick, admit it!"

"Sorry but I didn't say anything that can hurt you and I don't want to argue"

"Be careful with me because I'm more venomous than you.

Whether you said it or not I'm telling you.I was thinking the same too you're ugly as me too but you're even uglier. But thank you anyways for your opinion infairness you're the only one calling me that in my whole life.hahahha. And also you're a perfect definition of ''PAIN IN THE EYES''. AND GET AN EYE TEST SIS, YOU NEED THAT, MAYBE YOUR STIGMATISM ARE HIGHER THAN YOUR CHARACTER OKAYYYY TIME, SHUTTING THE DOOR AND GET SOME MANNERS."

The relieve I felt was smooth. I didn't expected that because I'm really a long tempered person and it just happened with a forthright attack or you haven't yet moved on girl? The sensation I felt was relief after I lump her in the throat knowing that she even can't attack me because she's a puppy.

"Look after your girl cus she might be traumatised to everything I said. Doncha worry I just gave her basic learnings in life cus maybe she haven't experienced the overabundance of schooling. Flick the mouth outta your girl cus man, she lacks of respect." I said to my ex and I feel like I was possessed with a 6 evils.I was awake in the Reality that I stopped liking somone thatI liked a lot and suddenly notic that he was a shitty person and realize how blinded I wa by how much you liked them.

Until this one day, I got a text from a stranger. I was wondering who it was. Of course who can get the eyebrows high till I read on my text message.

"Hi, is this Billy? "

"Yeah.Who's this?"

" the handsome mankind"

"maybe an ambitious"

" don't be such a keyboard-lunatic. You really tap your cellphone angrily"

"where are you? I will really throw a book on you"

I was at the library where my sister was assigned, but I really study in the city and that time was there's no class so I went to our province so I can rest and help

"I'm in front of you."

"oh really? I'm facing a mop. Suits how you treat me. "

"hahahahah I will give you hint. I'm a varsity of the school here and you really knew me so much. It's really different right? When you really study to city, you've changed. It's really unusual when you're being called city girl now."

"If I will really caught you. Ready to be slapped. Challenge me, give me a clue"

"I'm wearing white"

"Are you dumb. Of course who will not gonna wear uniform in Mondays yet it's the school's policy"

"Do you know sarcasm? Why would I tell you my name?you're too quick, you escalated quickly marupok te? Single? Single? You're really pretty Billy, I adore you since grade 7.

I was really thinking who it was. And I cannot remember a single 'bad luck' to my junior years. So I grabbed my phone again and started calling him so I can know who it was

And then suddenly it rang to the corner of the room. And then I suddenly hold the chair and grasp and I peek like my neck got deformed.

WTAF?! I didn't know the person who I was chatting. He got kick out to the library because of the boisterous phone ringing with a black pink ringtone that is so deafening. The clemency I felt was inhuman because he got kick out. So I messaged him to tell him if he's alright.

"Hello. Sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to do that. I was just being inquisitive"

"I feel pity of my friend you got kicked him out"

"What? You used your friend in your dumb doings? You're such an animal. How did you do that to him"

I already told you. Why would I reveal my identity? I quickly hand the phone to him and followed my friend after he got kick out while you're still in a verge of clemency because I know that you're wise but the score is on me now. I'm more brainer than you.

"You're a piece of shit."

"No. I'm already a piece on you. Don't worry I will unveil my identity to you. Not know but soon. Don't be such in a hurry. Bye. We're going to start our classes now. Let's just keep in touch"

"Your mom"

"Your Tita soon. Bye!"

"EW"

. Doncha worry I just gave her basic learnings in life cus maybe she haven't experienced the overabundance of schooling. Flick the mouth outta your girl cus man, she lacks of respect.

After their class hours got ended. I was looking for something to eat in the canteen. How I miss the cheap food there when I was in junior high like empanada, siomai,ginanggang, and all. If like I'm gonna spend my money eating snacks there in the city, it feels like my weekly allowance will be spently gone. As I have in my mind the memories when I was junior high in every corner of the canteen I would remember the countless happenings and looking like I'm out of my mind. As the vendor give the snack that I bought in every cherished snacks that I bought, I handed her the payment and she said "Oh dear you already hot paid by the student here" I was shocked like I bought so many snacks and a stranger paid for me like I was a homeless person in town. So I directly went out because the vendors are like looking at me like I read in their minds "maybe this girl has no money to buy her own food". As I went out, I got a text from the importunate stranger again and texted me

"Hey, are you full yet?"

"Are you thinking like I have no money to buy my own food? "

"Hahahahah I'm just practicing to be your ideal man, you're my wife so I'll feed you. I just want you to come back here"

So I was thinking maybe this guy is really a close friend to me so I made him feel conscience if he don't show his identity

"I will throw these snacks in the garbage if you will not show yourself"

So I put the snacks near the garbage but I put it on the clean slate

"How can I show you myself it's already afternoon and it's time to go home. I'm already at the gate."

So I picked up the snack and eat it like who cares he paid for it and I was tired from helping my sister in the library and it's just a waste if I will not eat it. So I started eating it.......

"You're easily to talk with. I thought you're gonna throw it in the garbage and I saw you eating voraciously there hahahaha"

I was ashamed there and quicked went to the library so I can pack my things so I can get to the bus station so I can go to the city because we will have our classes tomorrow. And as I have in my mind, I will know this stranger maybe he's in the alumni homecoming this coming December 31 and I will focus on my studies for now because in 31 our sembreak will be starting and I can do what I want. I arrived in the city 7pm in the evening and tiredly went off to my bed and I open my phone, I received a message from him again.

"Why did you left me?"

"Are you nuts? We're having our classes tomorrow and what you're gonna let me fail?"

"I was just kidding. Have you eaten yet?"

"Where did you boys got that phrases, where did you workshop for that. You got all the same message like you thought you're gonna make me fall from that words? It will never happen"

"Ouch, I will remember that. Watch out if you will fall in love to me"

"in your face"

"there's a beauty"

"you're making me annoyed. I will really sue you. It's really a harass."

"How can you sue me yonder you know me so well."

I was really tired from travelling so I sleep without replying him and day by day we always text, it's like having him he's like my 'reminder' every hour.even though I don't know him and somehow I will find it out soon who he is.

As day by day we chat, he slipped and give me a prefect clue who he was. I was really shocked and its just not so a close friend to me. "Can you please reveal your identity now?" '' "01000111

01000001

01000010

01101111"

"What's that?"

"Nothing."

what?!!!!! Someone liked me in my freshman year and he was my classmate before. A guy who visits always in our classroom just to make pluck of his eyebrows since we're close in freshman year. I was just secretly keeping that I don't know the binary codes and just waited till the alumni drops off.

So as the alumni came by, I saw him there in a dark area where I went to him and I pinch him saying "Don't you think that I didn't know, who can beat a intelligent girl from that simple binary code. Huh?" he was actually sweating and he was denying that it was not him. Till he confessed that he liked me since we're classmates in grade 7. And who couldn't love him back who always treat me or give me chocolates with no name who gave it. He confessed it all. I was just being insensitive that there is a guy who totally liked me. And there, there goes my favorite song was played when it's time to dance "The night we met by Lord Huron, we danced solemnly and I have in my min thinking I also had a crush on you sincefreshman also and somehow thinking I was just being numb or I was just in a verge of thinking how can I moved on and the bad thing is they're cousins. Day by day, suddenly I fell for him. He really valued me and love me. He actually told my ex that "You know what? You're such a dumb. You replaced her from a slut. When you're in Billy's hands, you were really lucky really. An intelligent girl, talented, beautiful and gorgeous. You're finding for less?" and my heart touched there and I was like prove it love that he really just wasted me. He even beg me to meet his parents and I see how he respect, treasure, and love them by loving me. He taught me how to value things and things that I don't know

We started our relationship, we lift each other up, no matter how hard our situation is, we will do it together and promised we don't break each of our hearts. We all have pasts. We all made choices that maybe weren't the best ones. None of us are completely innocent, but we geta fresh start every day to be a better person than we were yesterday. Everytime I say "im so sorry for my behavior. that's what I am accept me or leave me, thats your choice. i can't do anything about that shit but I found him replying" Dumb. I will stay" and everytime I say "What would you do if I broke up with you?

"Get back with my ex"

"Now I see how much you care,

im done-"

"Hey you wanna go out?"

"Go with your ex."

"You are my ex"

And there he is,I found him, a man that I never want to lose

@queenlupitajones

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