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capsiicle · 1 year

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Contains: NONCON, AFAB Ajax, there's like one mention of clit and cunt but thats it, top male reader, bottom ajax, mentions of death, implied (forced) cannibalism, implied amputation, overstimulation, dacryphilia, obsessive themes, asphyxiation, dissociation (?im not syre, tagging just incase)

Note: this is a product of me being very horny. I did not proof read this and it's also kinda rushed so if it makes no sense/repeats itself, thats why lmao. anyways, yandere reader >>

A sob escaped Ajax's lips, his thighs shaking as the man hushed him, rubbing his thigh slowly while holding him as close as possible, as tight as possible. The stench of blood lingering in the air made his stomach turn, the taste of it on his tongue and the added feeling of blood being smeared across his thigh, while the man's other hand rubbed his hip, made his body shake more.

"Shh, darlin', you didn't need him anyways." [Name] whispered, slowly moving him up and down with the hand on his hip. His head rested on his shoulder as he watched him, Ajax flinching as his hand moved from his thigh and up his chest, groping his chest. When Ajax made an attempt to elbow him, struggling in an attempt to get away. He heard an annoyed sigh, and before he could apologize, a hand was back on his throat, squeezing it.

"W- wait, 'm sorry, please-" Ajax pleaded, eyes tearing up. His vision started going black, whining and moving his hand to squeeze [Name]'s wrist, whispering barely coherent apologies before the other removed his hand from his already bruised throat, sniffling at the idea of another bruise forming on top of the blue ones he already had.

"Will you be a good boy for me, baby? Or, do I have to take more... Drastic meassures?" The man whispered in his eyes, Ajax's eyes widening as he immediately started shaking his head, sobbing loudly as he apologized like a broken record. [Name] hushed him, slowly thrusting into him, Ajax's toes curling and a sniffle leaving him.

"'m so sorry, please don't hurt him, pleasepleaseplease, I won't misbehave again, just, please leave Luc alone, I promise I'll behave-" Ajax cried out at the nails digging into his thighs, shaking his head.

"N- no, [Name], I'm sorry, please, I won't mention him again, I promise! Please-" The ginger continued sobbing, shaking his head as he was pushed onto his chest, babbling incoherent apologies as [Name] started thrusting quickly into him, a growl sounding in Ajax's ear.

"God fucking damn it, Ajax. You just don't fucking learn, do you? Next thing I know, you'll go out seeing him, as well." [Name] growled as he moved a hand down to his clit, rubbing it as Ajax came with a cry, back arched, eyes rolling back.

"No! No, I promise, I won't! I didn't even mean to see Zhongli, I swear!" Tartaglia whined, thrashing around and trying to struggle out of the ropes around his wrist. [Name] laughed mockingly, grabbing his thigh. He raised it up to his shoulder as he continued fucking his puffy, sensitive cunt, tutting.

"Yeah, sure. I bet you didn't mean for him to end up with his hands up your shirt either, Darlin'. But it's okay now, he's gone." The [HC] male whispered as he stroked his cheek with bloody hands. Ajax gave up trying to escape, letting the man over him use him as he wanted while he withered in pain and pleasure.

"Maybe I should take away your legs? It seems to be the only way to stop you from running, my love." [Name] threatened, moaning at the way Ajax's body tensed underneath him and grabbing both his hips.

Ajax tried to imagine himself back home in the cold weather of Snezhnaya, wrapped up in a blanket and the warm arms of the person he loved. Maybe back in Mondstadt, spending time with his friends. Just, anywhere but there.

"Fuck, 'm gonna cum, sweetheart." The words snapped Ajax out of his thoughts, pleading and sobbing for [Name] to pull it out, telling him he could cum anywhere, just not inside. The unstable man chose to ignore him, his thrusts stuttering as Ajax let out a loud sob, feeling the warmth spreading through his body. The emptiness he felt made his body relax from the relief he felt. He heard rustling of metal before his eyes snapped open and a scream left him, kicking his legs- well, leg.

"Shh, Darlin', it's okay. The pain will be over soon and then,"

"You'll be all mine."

#Robin's works . ♡#top male reader #dom reader #male reader #bottom ajax #sub ajax #bottom tartaglia #sub tartaglia #sub character #cw noncon #cw dissociation #cw asphyxiation #bottom genshin impact #genshin impact x male reader #genshin impact x dom reader

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dottores · 2 years

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07:36 PM | sanzu h.

sanzu haruchiyo x fem!reader

summary: sanzu never really did well on his birthday but you were hoping this year could be different. your first hurdle laid in somehow confronting him about it.

warnings: implied disassociation, mentioned past alcoholism and drug abuse, implied age gap (21/22 -> 32)

notes: for @arlertslove's SELFSHIP collab <- selfship, be respectful in tags pls, i made it ‘x reader’ so others can enjoy it too if they would like to

anyway this is a drabble set before the full fic im gonna post on his birthday so enjoy

not doing full taglist but: @kxeyas @mxnjiros @thomaphoria @kisakiapologist @izxnas @manjiroscum @arozaur @semisgroupie @arlertslove @sweetsbysatori @sanoinc @tokyometronetwork

wordcount: 2.2k (ty tee LMAO)

he was staring again. it was something you had become used to over the years of your relationship—sanzu tended to zone out when he got back from a long day of meetings or a particularly grueling mission. in the beginning, you had thought it was just his way of decompressing, his way of clearing his mind and settling himself down after a stressful day.

you quickly put together that it was not, in fact, a decompressing tactic after a long day. instead, you realized, it was a sort of dissociation that he was particularly vulnerable to on days of significance to him—or, rather, days of significance that he liked to try to convince himself meant nothing. you could tell that he did not like when you asked him about it, and he certainly did not like when you disturbed him while he was in a state like that so you usually just let him be and when he snapped out of, he’d pretend it never happened. it wasn’t healthy, you knew that, but it was healthier than the alternative.

before he had met you, he had drowned himself in drugs and alcohol on those days and all of the days surrounding it. you supposed this, as worrisome as it might be, was at least, better than the horror stories that haitani ran and kokonoi hajime had told you about how he used to be, where they genuinely feared he wouldn’t make it through the night, but you still couldn’t help the anxiety that crept through you whenever you caught him like this.

especially now, because one of those days were coming up again—his birthday, three days from now, and he had been spiraling for four already. and it would only get worse as the day approached.

you hovered at the door to your shared bedroom, fingers twisting in front of you, a cold feeling settled in your chest as you watched him stare into the mirror on your wall. his lips were tight and twisted down, his eyes were blank. there was splatters of blood staining his face and bare chest but no signs of any wounds—it was not his own.

he had been like this for 40 minutes now—since he had gotten home.

sanzu haruchiyo did not like celebrating any significant day to him but especially his birthday. he never had, you hadn’t even known his birthday until his older brother, takeomi, accidentally let it slip. that was two years ago, before the two of you were officially together. sanzu has not spoken to him since unless mikey demanded it, no matter how hard takeomi tried. and the first time you attempted to do something for his birthday, he shut you out for a week—it was clear that the day brought up bad memories for him, and you didn’t want to push but…

but you hated it. it was always give and never take with him—he’d buy you things, celebrate all of your special days, lay you back and spend hours between your thighs spelling out his devotion to you with his tongue but whenever you tried to reciprocate, he drew back and pushed you away. and you didn’t even know why. it hadn’t been like this before your relationship had become serious, when the two of you had just been friends fucking around with no strings attached.

a part of you feared that you had pushed him into this relationship too quickly and he hadn’t been ready yet, and maybe he still wasn’t ready but he was worried that bringing it up to you would upset you, and it ate at you.

guilt clawed at your chest as you stepped into the room.

sanzu didn’t react.

you let out a quiet sigh as you walked toward him. you walked slow, as not to startle him, but you knew that when he was in a state like this he wouldn’t notice you regardless of your pace.

it was dangerous, really, you thought to yourself as you drew closer to him. if you were anyone else… well, there really was no reason to consider anyone else because you weren’t anyone else, you were you, and for a moment, you wondered if that was the reason why he let himself withdraw into such a vulnerable state—because he trusted you, because he knew that you wouldn’t take advantage of him while he was like this and you wouldn’t let anyone else ever do it.

your throat felt tight as the bed dipped beneath you. You kneeled next to him, shifting behind him to hang your arms loose around his shoulders, chest pressed against his back, lips pressed against his hair.

sanzu didn’t react.

“haru,” your voice wavered, your arms tightened around him.

he flinched at the sound of his name, finally drawn out of his own mind. you took in a shaky breath as sanzu turned his head to the side so he could see you, blue eyes blank and waiting for whatever you wanted to say.

and you hesitated because you had a million things you wanted to say to him and you weren’t sure where to start.

“can i hold you tonight?” the words finally fell from your lips, and you weren’t entirely sure if that had been what you were trying to say but you supposed you could work with it.

sanzu’s brow furrowed at your words, his lips twitched and you could predict the refusal on his lips.

“please,” you said before he could deny you, grip tightening, if only barely, around his body.

and sanzu hesitated, he didn��t speak but his eyes were searching yours for some sort of answer and you hoped he found the one he was looking for because you weren’t quite sure what the answer he wanted was.

evidently, he found it, if the way his shoulders slumped and he leaned back into you had anything to say about it. and your heart was in your throat as you tugged him further onto the bed, away from the edge.

your fingers were shaky as you pulled him back with you. anxious that even one wrong move would have him withdrawing again.

but he only fell with you, eyes sliding shut as he rested his head on your chest and you couldn’t help but wonder just how exhausted he might be. he was never usually this pliant, even with you.

your nails gently scraped his scalp as you ran your fingers through his hair, toying carefully with the soft strands, a small smile on your lips as you watched his long lashes flutter shut, soft puffs of air escaping his pink lips as he melted into you.

the cold feeling disappeared, replaced by a warm one that had your chest bubbly. you pressed your lips to the top of his head, bringing your hand from his hair to his face, gently wiping away the blood that staining his skin with your sleeve.

he let out a soft, tired hum at your touch, one of his hands coming up grab yours as your free hand drifted down his chest, tracing the healed scars that marred his skin.

“we should do something on sunday,” you said after a moment and as soon as the words left your lips you wished you could swallow your own tongue.

sunday, at least you were careful to say, not his birthday.

but sanzu tensed regardless. he was not stupid, he knew exactly what day sunday was and you held your breath as you waited for him to get aggressive. he always did whenever you brought up doing something special for him. you had pushed, and you shouldn’t have pushed. you knew better.

narrowed blue eyes peered up at you suspiciously and once again, your nerves caught on fire. you felt distinctly like a deer in tall grass trying to slink past a panther and one wrong move…

but instead of pouncing, all he said was, “like what?” his voice was short, you could hear the underlying defensive tone and you knew you had to be even more careful with what you said next but you couldn’t help the hope that swelled in your chest because this was progress. he had never considered it before.

“i-“ you cleared your throat as your voice cracked, tracing his cheekbones with your fingers as his gripped tightened on other your hand slightly. “nothing in particular, i just think it would be good for us to get out of the apartment.”

his eyes narrowed further, yours widened slightly, “why not tomorrow or saturday? why sunday?” he questioned.

okay, you thought, relieved. easy.

“cause i have work tomorrow and saturday, silly,” you murmured, kissing the top of his head again. and sanzu let out a long exhale, relaxing back into you, but you could see in his eyes that his guard was still up. “we don’t have to, it was just an idea. i miss doing things with you. work has kept us both so busy.”

“i’ll think about it,” he said, and you supposed it was better than no, even if he would likely end up backing out. you appreciated the fact that he still considered it instead of shooting it down right away.

sanzu’s eyes drooped shut, his guard dropped again.

you sighed, cupping his cheek gently and turning his face up toward you so you could lean down and press your lips against his soft ones.

“i don’t even know why you work,” sanzu murmured against your lips, “let me take care of you. i make more than enough money for us. i have all of bonten’s resources at our disposal. you don’t need to work at that shitty firm, they take advantage of you.”

you giggled quietly as he repeated the same words you had heard him utter a million times over, just as passionate as he had been the first time he told you if not more. you pressed another soft kiss to his lips and then to the tip of his nose, “that’s not gonna work, baby, you know that. it’s not about the money.”

sanzu looked displeased, as he always did whenever you denied his requests to stay at home and quit your job, “they take advantage of you,” he repeated.

you shrugged, “life of an intern, it’ll get better.”

“i’ll kill them,” he promised, brows still furrowed, lips turned down, but eyes peacefully slid shut as he rested on your chest. it used to take you aback how easily he could stay stuff like that, knowing damn well he had every intention of following through with the promise but you had grown used to it over the years.

“don’t you dare,” you sighed. “if you do that, i’ll just have to start over at another firm and restart the process.”

sanzu let out a frustrated puff of air, turning his head to hide his face into your chest, “you make things more difficult than they need to be,” his voice was muffled against your skin.

“murder is not the answer to everything, haruchiyo,” you told him, absently braiding a few strands of his hair.

he peeked up at you from your chest, “it’s the easiest route, and most effective,” he argued half-heartedly but you only stared at him, waiting for him to back down. he always did, you were one of only two people that sanzu haruchiyo would back down to, nobody else had that luxury. and he did, he let out another quiet breath and let his eyes droop back shut.

you didn’t say anything else, only stroking his hair and tracing patterns on his skin as he slowly began to doze off on your chest. you could see the dark bags beneath his eyes and your chest tightened, wondering how many nights he had lay awake, unable to sleep and unwilling to disturb your rest, laying alone and in the dark, letting his thoughts consume him.

your arms tightened around him and he let out a soft noise, shifting slightly. he was already fast asleep, it must have been a lot of nights—sanzu was never one to fall asleep easily, he always twisted and turned for hours.

you supposed you would plan something for the two of you to do on his birthday anyway. even though you were all but certain he’d end up backing out as it got closer, there was still that off chance that he did decide to try to do something with you and you didn’t want him to be disappointed if he did.

you watched him carefully for a moment, feeling the even puffs of warm air against your skin as he turned his face into you. and you were glad that you could at least give him a little bit of peace in his hellish life. you had known since that day you met him in the cafe near campus that associating with sanzu haruchiyo was bound to bring chaos and stress to your otherwise peaceful life. more than he was worth, your few remaining friends would tell you whenever he wasn’t around but you disagreed, and you always would—sanzu has plenty of hurdles to overcome in regards to relationships, and you knew it would be a long time before he was able to work through all of them, but you knew he was always trying his best for you, tonight was proof enough of that.

and once you were sure he was fully asleep, you leaned down, pressing your lips to his forehead before speaking the three words that you didn’t dare yet say aloud while he was awake.

#cat’s selfships ;; caru #sanzu x reader #tokyo revengers x reader #sanzu x you #sanzu haruchiyo x reader #sanzu haruchiyo x you #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev x you #tokyo revengers x you

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fabaceous · 1 year

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Is there ever a hypothetical world where Jackie and Shauna’s situation is reversed (as in Shauna dies and Jackie makes it home)? And if so, how do you think Jackie would react and deal with it?

this is ANOTHER of my favorite cans of worms to open lately so THANK YOU for giving me an opportunity to talk about it!!

i was thinking about this mostly because i was thinking about how shauna's hallucinations of jackie provide us with such valuable information about shauna's thoughts/feelings/desires, how she thinks of jackie, how she thinks of herself (via jackie). hallucighost jackie i think sort of has two sides that are intertwined but serve different purposes - there's one side that's more straightforward and even sweet: it shows how shauna, in her grief and pain, wants to remember jackie (the fun, lighthearted moments; braiding her hair, joking about randy). the other side is more dark but gives us just as much if not more insight into shauna: she uses jackie as a mouthpiece for her own bad thoughts about herself. hallucighost jackie is the whip that shauna self-flagellates with. and she punishes herself, but she's also sort of repressing the fact that she even feels guilty (which maybe is why she needs jackie's "ghost" to guilt her, because she can't admit to herself that she feels guilty). and it all must hurt even more coming out of jackie's mouth - which, if you think about it, is probably why she does it (better fuel for her guilt complex).

ANYWAY, i digress (sort of). my point is, i've always wondered what we could learn from jackie hallucinating shauna. how would jackie want to remember shauna, but at the same time, how might the memory of shauna torture jackie?

if we do a simple swap and have shauna leave the cabin when jackie tells her to during their fight and then shauna freezes, that's one option. we get jackie feeling both immensely hurt by shauna's nearly inconceivable betrayal but, at the same time, feeling guilty for sending her out there. this could lead to some interesting hallucinated convos and, personally, i 100% think it could also lead to jackie doing shauna's makeup in the meat shed lmao. (and thats how you know they're made for each other!)

BUT ALSO. shauna's betrayal (i mean, combined with jackie losing her social status in the wilderness and having the other girls turn on her ofc) made jackie so depressed that she was unable to eat, and shauna dying on top of that would have the potential to completely destroy jackie's will to survive. it would be a big ask, at that point, to get jackie through to rescue. id say its pretty likely she dies of a broken heart, so to speak. like, just loses all her remaining will to live (because her will to live was literally hanging on by a thread and that thread was shauna). the only way i can imagine her surviving long enough to go home is if she has a complete and total break from reality and like, just sort of dissociates from the entire year-plus that follows. i think (? let me know if you agree bc this actually just came to me while writing this and im not sure if it holds up) that if the writers really sold it right, they could convince me that jackie basically goes catatonic and retreats into some fantasy world (one where shauna is around, of course!) for the rest of their time in the wilderness. not exactly the way shauna talked to jackie in the meat shed, because shauna knew she was hallucinating and was more or less able to walk away when she had other obligations. i think jackie would actually legitimately just lose her grip on reality, and succumbing to this would be the only way for her to survive. kind of like the bacchanal but about, like, everything.

the other scenario that occurred to me (and it's a pretty awful way for shauna to die and makes me really unhappy btw, so, sorry in advance) is what if shauna's abortion attempt had gone really, really wrong and she had gotten an infection and died from that? obviously jackie has no clue at this point about jeff/pregnancy/rutgers/etc so its pure unadulterated heartbreak. taissa could play a really interesting role in this situation as the only other person who knows this huge, earthshattering secret. would she keep it from jackie? i think that would be the prudent thing to do. losing shauna would already be almost too much for jackie to take, but she could maybe survive that by designating herself as the keeper of shauna's memory and she could probably convince herself she owes it to shauna to stay alive because if jackie dies then shauna is gone for good. but, as we've seen in canon, finding out that shauna betrayed her sends jackie into a really dark place where she doesnt have much will to live. i think she could plausibly survive with her sanity intact if one or the other happens (shauna betrays her OR shauna dies) but, as i discussed above, experiencing both would either break her sanity or effectively kill her.

and i suspect taissa is smart enough to realize this too, so if she wants to keep jackie alive she'll withhold this information (hide/burn the journals?) and let jackie cling to whatever romanticized image of shauna she comes up with. once they get back to the real world, who knows? taissa might tell her because she feels like jackie deserves the truth, jackie might read shauna's journals from before the crash in an attempt to feel close to her again and find out that way, or even jeff might tell her (worst case scenario IMO)... and im honestly not sure what jackie would do at that point, like, murder jeff maybe? (im joking but i actually am not sure how that whole situation would play out. maybe depression 2.0 but in the real world, but that's not as fun as murder.)

i haven't even said what i think jackie would hallucinate, so lets end with that. for shauna, it's primarily about self-flagellation and self-punishment, although it has some ability to soothe her as well, like when she imagines having fun with jackie.

for jackie i think its actually fairly simple: its obvious to all of us that what jackie wants most is shauna's authentic and full love, and my personal theory is that the main (and maybe even sole!) function of jackie's hallucinations would be escapism and wish-fulfillment, and imagining that shauna really did love her.

jackie doesn't have a self-destruction/guilt complex like shauna does. jackie, i think, would be able to just feel guilt in a more straightforward way. as well as anger! so in the scenario where shauna freezes after their fight, jackie would certainly be feeling a lot of guilt, but she doesn't need or want shauna to remind her, she could just apologize. and she's feeling a lot of anger, but she'd be able to say it to shauna's (hallucinated) face instead of putting it through some twisted alchemical process that turns it into something else. like, i think she actually does have a chance of getting closure in a way that shauna doesn't because shauna would never let herself get closure because then she'd have nothing left to fuel her guilt/self-destruction complex.

i think jackie would want closure for her immediate anger and guilt about shauna's death, and because she wants it, she'd be capable of getting it. but after that's dealt with (assuming she survives long enough to deal with it), or in a scenario where jackie doesn't know about shauna's betrayal/isn't responsible for her death, i really think (and i just made myself sooo miserable realizing this btw so you're welcome. or i'm sorry) that the thing that would cause jackie eternal and relentless pain for the rest of her life would be the immense regret and the feeling that she didn't love shauna enough, or didn't love her right. and her hallucinations of shauna would, by and large, simply be an outpouring of all the love she didn't get to show her in life (and imagining the reciprocation of that love that she always wished shauna would give her).

#can of worms: opened #worms: on the floor #are they good worms? you be the judge #also lol remember the ask about my thoughts on whether jackieshauna would ever be canon #that and this are two things that i have actually discussed extensively in the dms with rose @lottieurl recently #its kind of funny 😂 like u guys are asking THE most perfect questions #and they're things ive already been thinking about!#also hiding this reallllyyyy deep in the tags but #i may or may not be pondering exploring some of this through the medium of fanfic #will i ever actually turn it into anything publishable? who knwos #but its. percolating shall we say #RIGHT! well. this was fun!#ill end it here since this is already an ungodly amount of words #yellowjackets #yj asks

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autistic-shaiapouf · 1 year

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Same anon as before, I’m happy that you’re accepting yourself! That’s great news. I had a very similar situation where I was very embarrassed about what character my brain chose to project onto, but after working with my therapist and years of reflection I’ve realized it had to be that character because they were the only one I could see myself in, we were both abused in certain ways that made it like looking in a mirror, and being Him meant that I was able to protect myself because he could (character is someone “dangerous” in their world). So I really think it comes down to a reflection of trauma, and there’s nothing to be ashamed about. We coped with what our brains found the most comfort in.

If I can ask, what does your therapist think about it? Only wondering because with my therapist, they are aware we have fictives of this character as well as the system as a whole projects through him but I’m still trying to figure out if it’s part fictives and other part alters with psychotic attachments or if there’s something else at play as well like past lives (the old fictionkin community used to be big into that but I know it’s not so much anymore so I’m a little embarrassed but I am still a spiritual person) alr that’s all, looking forward to your response!

First of all, I'm glad to hear back from you anon!!

My therapist and I figured roughly the same thing happened with me! When I say I use this character as a therapy tool, I don't think it's appreciated enough that it's bc my therapist familiarized himself with the source - my therapist watched (and enjoyed) 148 episodes of anime for my sessions and I cannot stress that enough lmao; we're pretty sure that what happened was that I saw a lot of my emotional trauma play out again in front of me in his character arc, mostly in the way he perceives himself but also with how he struggles with his emotions and general interactions with the world (with my own difficulty with such coming from the climate of the family that abused me). He did serve as a mirror, not just of my own trauma, but also of what I wish I could have done, which was to lash out and genuinely own my anger and frustration and do something. Of course there's a lot more to it, but with just covering the surface, looks like we've had pretty similar experiences!

As for my therapist's thoughts on this, we actually haven't put any clinical labels on it. I personally like labels, they make me feel sure and certain about things in my life, which is why I tried to nail this down with the OSDD/DDNOS (complete with question mark) in my bio, but truth be told I'm not entirely sure I meet the full criteria for either of them, in spite of the genuine experiences I've had with what definitely feels like multiplicity of some sort. Interestingly enough, while I myself am not very spiritual, my therapist did make a mention that this is an experience that I could try looking at through a spiritual lens, especially since it's been coming up a lot more as I'm trying to rework some deeply held thought patterns. There's been a pretty positive outlook on it overall and he encouraged me to interact with it - the episodes tend to come with some specific thoughts and feelings, so we're treating them (and by extension, this character) as a sort of conduit for them, sort of like a messenger bringing attention to them. This is all some pretty specific info for my stuff though lmao, I just wanted to cover the ground as thoroughly as I could 💖

#part of me genuinely does wanna reach out to the fictionkin community just for the value of having potential community experience #but also. maybe I'll just watch them for a bit and think about it lmao #my experiences with my dissociation is like. it feels like there's someone else with me you know? im alone but i can feel someone else #and I'm holding their feelings and thoughts in those moments #if i believed in ghosts hardcore this would 100% make me think im possessed but fortunately i recognize where #all this is coming from as far as functionality and the name attached; funnnily enough i remember a video my roommate #put on and it was talking about psychosis scenes in movies + gauging them for accuracy #and the guy starts talking about DID and I'm like okay i definitely dont meet the criteria for that but I'm half paying attention #and he mentions that one of the things that people have reported is feeling like they're possessed and i just sat there FLOORED by this #bc that was exactly how I'd described the feelings in therapy; 1:1 word for word 😳 again i know for sure i dont have DID #but the same guidelines that make up the definitions and criteria are kinda also running along my dissociative episodes as well #ive already said so much in the tags but i did have a session where i just sat there and was like. i want to love every part of myself #and that includes the episodes; i know they're a protective measure and i dont wanna feel like I'm fighting them anymore #that was months ago; this is by far the most vocal ive been about it #it took almost a year for me to settle into it and be able to talk about it even in therapy but I'm so glad i can do it now #and I'm so glad to be hearing from people who understand how this feels 💖💖💖 thank you so much again!!!#im realizing that i actually have a lot of thoughts on this now that im actually understanding it a lot better #the asks are just giving me some chances to infodump a little hehe 💕#you're welcome in my inbox any time!! thanks again!! 💖💖💖#asks

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fluidmusics · 6 months

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ok so ive watched double like three times its so interesting! i like some of the themes. spoilers for double, obviously

also please keep in mind i havent heard neoplasm yet and i know it adds important context. i will look at it in the morning.

the comic "glitching" along with all the little graphics that comme with it i find interesting. i think it could symbolize the moments of dissociation that happen or the original switch and maybe moments like in meme where he could kinda see what was happening but was confused about what was happening.

and perhaps these little sketches over top of the comic bit could be his own perception of himself in that moment? maybe he really did think he was going to die at some point on this day? idk, just speculating a bit.

i wanna also point out in the screenshot above that parts of him are missing and replaced with a silhouette. that could be another visual representation of that dissociation.

the glitching of technology screens also kinda support this dissociation/forgetting bit. its like his identity is staticky and not really there. (i also find the 2 4 6 8 entertaining).

to me it definitely seems like this alter that committed the murder did it for protection. definitely seems like they care for mikoto and wanted to do anything to protect him from danger.

ive also noticed a lot of eye themes throughout this video, which interests me a lot.

this could support the stalker theory that ive seen going around lately or it could be about something else entirely.

i have a theory he got the baseball bat from the person who attacked him first. because we can see when he first gets on the train that he does not have a bat but then he suddenly gets one after a little glitchy bit??

take everything i say with a grain of salt lmao. im writing this at almost 5am (i only woke up this early for double i know its funny)

#milgram #text post #goose text post #mikoto kayano #009 #kayano mikoto

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kawaii-butt-crust-core · 7 months

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Rise of the TMNT headcanons because I feel uhhhsodk emotions or something

Warnings: anxiety , gore mention, trauma/PTSD mentions, kidnapping, yelling mentions, claustrophobia mention, if I missed any please lmk ‼️‼️

Donatello ( my favorite hands fucking down )

LOVES "it's always sunny in Philadelphia" and relates to Dennis wayyy too much

( also made a joke about how splinter is frank and he was actually cool with it )

Likes those HYPERBOP and songs like that

At 5am and raph is waking up for the day and he finds Donnie in his room fully awake

"Ive been up for 3 days everything is haunted everybody's evi-"

He also likes twentyone pilots

House of gold, taking my time on my ride, and car radio are his favorites

Actually hates monster ( like the drink ) but he has a can in his room from 2020 that he just poured out for decoration

( honestly I can't even really hate on it I think 2020 just ruined it LMAO )

Has no blankets. Sleeps with a single sheet and a unwashed unsheeted pillow.

Is one of those people that people mistake for way older

Yokai thinks he's at least 18-20 and get so freaked out finding out he's actually just 14

( he loves the attention )

He actually likes HOMESTUCK 😭

( this is based on my friend who likes Homestuck and they remind me of Donatello to some degree )

Has a fan that hasn't had a break since 2016

Maybe longer

Has seasonal depression

He likes to be with April or doing something during the winter because of it to distract himself

April and raph are good with helping him

Leo knows but he knows to just stay out of his way and leave him the fuck alone

And Mikey hasn't really been told because Donnie feels like he's burdening people with his problems ( he didn't even want Leo to know but he just caught on )

He even feels guilty for dragging April and raph into it

Him and Mikey LOVE LOVE LOVED spiderverse

( Donnie got the movie illegally before it even came out )

This mother fucker definitely fell to his knees for spider punk im so sorry

This same mother fucker also probably loved Danganronpa...

He doesn't really like southpark but some episodes get to him

LOVES GHOSTFACE

TO ANOTHER LEVEL

NO ONE CAN LOVE GHOSTFACE AS MUCH AS HIM

Actually probably has purple injected into his veins

"yeah my veins bruise in the blink of an eye and I can't move my body sometimes but so what? It was worth it??"

hates on dream so hard....

DONT HUG ME IM SCARED AKWNWJJF

ALL OF THE BOYS WATCHED IT ( maybe not raph tho actually )

He actually made discord ( idk if I'm even joking or not )

Would this be a good time to add a picture of what I think human Donnie would look like?

Uhhh yeah

Yeah I think so

Ok next

Leonardooooooooo

Just fyi this shit is gonna be so angsty

It will dip I promise

He can't get enough of those "drake the type" memes

But also low-key he is drake

Has a hello kitty clock in his room that actually works for him

He was that annoying ass kid who would say "I can scream like a girl" and then scream to the top of their fucking lungs

The ADHD was tooo muuchhh

So he just basically climbs walls who cares

He's on the ceiling? What's new.

Ok so spieerpunk had don to his knees but Leo was all for Miguel

" NOOOO MY SPIDER PAPIIIII- " *splinter right fucking there*

Daddy issues just crawling out of all of their skin ANYWAYS

Can't draw for shit but loves art

The way he words things makes him sound like a complete gaslighter but he's just stupid

"?? I don't gaslight?? HUH no seriously what did I do?"

The Mario movie possessed him for a while tbh

DIP!

even hours after him returning from the prison realm he was dissociating so bad he was crying to feel something

Just a few weeks later, he isn't better yet by any means he's just ok enough to function

Someone dropped a plate or something ( I probably need to rewatch the scene before I make headcanons for it LMAO ) or dropped a pot, something loud

And he practically went down with it

He fell to the floor and stayed there for a bit

He didn't cry or say anything

Then Mikey tapped his shoulder and he fucking SNAPPED

He will never forgive himself

🫶🏼

The CRUCIAL NIGHTMARESS

*rubs my hands in evilness*

He could feel the same AIR as the prison realm at times

He smelt the same scent

Raph, draxum, and Casey had to sleep in the same room for a while so they would hear him

But sometimes he didn't loudly jerk himself awake

Sometimes it played through and he woke up and didn't make a peep

Sometimes they knew and sometimes they didn't

Most of the time one of them would just wake up because of instinct and see him just frozen

Can't handle gore now

He used to but can't anymore

It reminds him of 1

The kraang

And 2

Seeing his brothers eye all fucked up like that was too much

There were times he didn't even know who he was anymore

He was scared to leave his room for a while and felt such bad guilt for it

While they're out on a mission and Leo's just curled up in his room blowing up raphs phone

Raph wishes he could say something like "oh how the tables have turned" but this isn't what he wanted at all

Uhh ok sudden switch up

HE LOVES BO BURNHAMMMM

Him and Don and Mikey listen to Will Wood

SHAYFER JAMES TOO

JUST THOSE TYPES OF ARTIST

Mixed with late 90s to early 2000s

"erm.... what da flip ;-; NO STFU IM JUST KIDDING STOP BULLYING ME ITS A JOKE-"

Him if he was a hummmaannn

+ maybe some scars on his back

Raphael

Blind in his one eye and low-key has bad eyesight in his other one

He can still see decently but it's pretty much fucked

He likes squishmellows but he knows Mikey LOVES them so if he buys/ finds one, he'll give it to Mikey

He's more of a "childhood stuff animal nostalgia" anyways

Doesn't like to cuss but if he's REALLY scared, he'll let a loud and quick "FUCK -" slip out of his mouth

Or if he's angry hell mumble "this bitch-" or something like that

He feels like he's not doing enough as a brother but genuinely forgets that he needs to take care of himself

Not physically but more so emotionally

He beats himself up when making a mistake even if it was out of kindness

He doesn't think things all the way through and just immediately jumps to "I wanna help people!"

And ends up making a bigger mess so he feels like a bad person

( people have reassured him he's not but he plays back how people get mad at him when he messes up and he doesn't know how to forgive himself if someone got THAT mad at him )

He sometimes just gets this burst of love and just hugs one of his siblings or friends

I think he doesn't develop feelings easily ( infact it's kinda hard for him to, not in a bad way )but one time there was a yokai, about his size, and they really enjoyed each other

He didn't tell anyone but he got her number and they still talk and he might have small feelings for her

The reason he hates being alone because it's a PTSD thing ( that only got worse after the kraang thing )

( he was alone and in danger for most of the movie, the only reason he wasn't freaking out because he knew if he did he was fucked )

And he got possessed before he could even lose his shit

But basically I think he got kidnapped by a hunter and held him captive ( either chained, or in a cage ) for 2 days before splinter found him

( yes they searched for him for 2 days )

The hunter would shoot his gun next to the cage ( or restraints ) he was in to purposely mess with him

And if he cried he would get in his face and start yelling until raph forced himself to stop crying because of fear

It was traumatic

Splinter has his own trauma from losing his fucking kid for 2 days, but it still fucks with raph badly

He still remembers it so vividly that it feels like it had only happened a week ago

So add that in top of the kraang doing what they did to him.....

He was only holding it together for Leo tbh

He can't go to certain areas or he'll start to hear the hunter yelling in his face again, like a hallucination

It's gotten a little bit better over time but the kraang set him so far back

He was also already claustrophobic, but if anyone tries to hold him down now he just immediately throws them off

And hard

Anything that really reminds him too much of the past he just starts freaking out

So he doesn't like to be alone :)

I could do a separate post for this maybe

But moving on

Any early 2000s song from anyone or any 2000 themed song is his SHIT

They did a karaoke night and he did Brittany spears ( yes I know that's like late 90s but yk THAT CATEGORY )

He put on a blonde wig tho and was actually kinda feeling it at some point

He LOVES walking around at night

Just strolling

He loves food. He eats everything

There is nothing he won't eat

He just loves everything

I forgot his scar sadly but here 😔‼️💔

( the nose piercing is fake he's too scared to get one HELP )

Mikey:

This lil shit STEALS

HE USES HIS INNOCENCE TO HIS ADVANTAGE

And I sleeps fine at night with all of it in his room.

ADVENTURE TIMEEE

he loves cartoons

Adult cartoons, children cartoons

If it's animated he wants it injected into his spinal fluid

His music taste is everything

But he really likes indie / indie rock songs

Has all of his art and drawings hung up on his walls

There's maybe one or.two posters he actually bought the rest is his art

Loves spiderverse but he couldn't even enjoy it because he kept looking at Leo crazy with this out of pocket comments

"I wanna pick him up like a baby lion and wash him and feed him milk and release him back into the wild"

"*deadpan* Leo. What the actual hell."

Draxums favorite. Only Mikey knows he's his favorite. If anyone asks drax who his favorite is he says he hates everyone equally and looks over at Mikey

Speaking of drax I think they're vent buddies

Drax vents to him Mikey vents to drax

Drax was very helpful with all of them during the time they were all fucked up from kraang

He even got them into therapy but I'm gonna make a draxum section because I love him ( I lied he's my favorite character, then Donnie)

( God I love drax and Mikey so much let me go on a rant rq )

Apart of draxs training he could definitely pass as a licensed therapist

So if really anyone has some sort of mental thing going on he's there

Even for Leo ( even tho Leo didn't really want his help, that quickly changed tho, again I'll just put this in his section✨ )

But Mikey has these really bad panic attacks that even his brothers don't know about

Only splinter and drax

Splinter is there to comfort him and drax is there to let him talk about it

Mikey doesn't want his brothers to know because he's technically the "therapist" so splinter and drax will never tell anyone

Watched MSA just to make fun of it

Also says cringe shit because he thinks it's funny like Leo

"GYATTTTT....... Y'all know I'm joking right-"

Loves Lilo and stitch

Has an art Instagram with over 1000 followers

LOVES SPICY FOOD

He ate the spiciest chip and then asked for another

Loves spooky month

Fought leo for that damn hello kitty clock

Then stole it

" I'm in your walls :3"

He ate a like 2 handfuls of orbeez when he was 5 before splinter caught him

HUMAN

Draxum:

MY ACTUAL FAVORITE FUCKING CHARACTER AAAAAAAAA

YES I absolutely believe he could qualify as a therapist and he absolutely uses that to his advantage

Leo was still "ish" about draxum but he became a lot more appreciative of him during the times that raph and Casey couldn't be there ( like missions )

He even took time out of work to be there

If he called? He's already almost there

He absolutely a mom IDC he even has the messy mom bun

Mikey calls him dad and that's part of the reason he's his favorite

"honey, it was ruined when she bought it *snaps*" ( I'm sorry ) ( I have to draw this now)

LOVESS BLANKETS

Like all the blankets

The resting bitch face is so real

He has to be leaping for joy happy to maintain a happy face

Goes to Donnies room and tells him to lay his ass down ( he doesnt )

Sends millennial memes to the boys....

*insert a cat smashing on a piano* he's wheezing.

Him and Mikey paint together sometimes

Because he can actually paint super fucking good

Scars all around his body

HUMAN FORMMM

Thats all ill probably make more for April and Casey and splinter

#tmnt #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja tutles #rottmnt head canons #headcanons #rise donnie #rise leo #rise raph #rise mikey #baron draxum

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