A little gender conversation to the void

While I tend to present femme of soft butch on days out in public, I'm usually at home, in comfy clothes, lately- an oversized hoodie/pullover or duster/cardigan I got from cloak

Then I saw the term "dysphoria hoodie" today and it surprised me, one who has been chronically online since 2014, and openly queer online since 2019

The gender hasnt been feeling so fluid lately and it's making me a little nervous.

More rantings under the cut

Looking femme is not necessarily my fault, I just don't have a binder, I say to dismiss the thoughts of being anything other than nonbinary

I've wanted to "catch" breast cancer since I heard of its existence- that's not a normal thought- but cis and nonbinary people can get top surgery, that's not just for one demographic.

I don't like not knowing myself and knowing myself at the same time. I know the feelings I have but I don't know why I have them and it driving me up the wall.

autistic people when there's collectable things with tv shows with multiple generations of them:

i am convinced that jason todd gets extra aggressive and mean when he is not in control of a situation. and that extends to any situation, no matter how mundane or domestic it is. his brother is sad and he doesn’t know why? he gets angry and snaps at the brother. because he can’t control the situation and that freaks him out, so he bites.

So I've been reading about ADHD in women because well, it sounds a lot like I operate. I'm just very surprised that some psychiatrists apparently refuse to test women for it when they were good at school.

From what I gathered ADHD is at brain level mostly a lack of dopamine and the chasing of the next rush of it. Well that is how, in hindsight, school worked for me. School gave me a constant influx of dopamine in most classes simply from being good at a subject and feeding into my need for understanding everything.

Great that exactly that can now be used against me if I ever seek an official diagnosis

not to be tumblr ranting again but idk how much longer i can handle uni and it's been 4 days since i got back. there are currently 2 friends of housemates here and i'm too autistic to handle making conversation. just want to go downstairs to make some tea but last time i did that had to say omg hii how are you to someone and my unwillingness to talk makes me look like such a freak sorry i am just finding it physically hard. can't even make tea

I think I need to find a rage room or smth. Ykno those types of things that gives u a space to just absolutely go fucking ham? Breaking shit and letting out the anger? I'm constantly stifling anger bc I don't want to cause problems with it, but ever since my dad died, I've really wanted to just kick the shit out of something.

Just once. Just one time would fix me, I think. I really need to be able to break things.

went outside and exercised normally for the first time since The Incident and i felt fine outside of the expected Hasn't Exercised in several months feelings. against doctor's orders btw but i would rather be dead than forced to spend all my time at home not doing a single thing that could exert me in any way <3

After thirteen years of blacking out when I stand up, I finally got a referral to a cardiologist (because my previous doctor, who I'd been seeing since age eight, just flat out wouldn't test me for POTS). The cardiologist was like, sure, let's get this going, and scheduled an echo test, stress test, and the all important tilt table test for these next few weeks.

Well, I get a call from the hospital today, asking me what my payment plan for the stress test is going to be. And I'm like, uh, I have insurance? How much is it out of pocket?

And they respond casually, oh, it's over twelve hundred dollars (I temporarily blacked out at the actual number but it started with a thousand two hundred) and I'm like... that's AFTER insurance?! Are you fucking kidding me??

So, I had to cancel the stress test. Doesn't matter how 'good' the payment plan is, I don't have that kind of fucking money to spend on one. single. fucking. test.

Hopefully the tilt table test is covered more, because that's the most important thing.

And before you come at me, YES I KNOW POTS IS INCURABLE. I'm well aware. But it'd be nice to fucking KNOW what is wrong with me... besides, well, everything else.

How I know I'm overwhelmed : I think Potato is eating a cheese stick way too loud and that I'll fucking die if he doesn't stop immediately

it's time

I wanna play with Legos right now :-[

i should really come with a warning label. WARNING: gets weirdly susceptible to thought spirals at the end of november

.

As grateful as I am to have a partial diagnosis for digestive stuff it is so funny they're like "congrats you're really fucked up! But you're on your own for managing it since ur insurance doesn't cover a nutritionist unless it's in a specific way we don't offer, good luck!"

LIKE something I think is all of the Askr family are like mirrors. Alfonse is a reflection of how much he loves Sharena and the summoner. Sharena is a reflection of how much she loves Alfonse and how, I think in the autistic sense, I think she mirrors A LOT. Henriette is a reflection of how much she loves Gustav (and seemingly, so severely that that love struggles to reach everyone else). Gustav was likely a reflection of how much he loved Henriette and his father. All of them are performing, adhering to SOMETHING. Their roles, and what seems to be The Correct Course of Action.

me age seven being sat down in front of the school’s district child psych lady and being given strange, simple spatial puzzles to solve and then long, complicated worksheets and hammering my way through them at the speed of light while having zero comprehension what their purpose was or why i was here: this is urgent! i have to get a good grade in Weird Puzzles, Or Else, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,