#makes you wonder how different things would be if he lived
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"You're the loss of my life" | part 2.
outbreak! Joel Miller x f!reader
part one here
summary: you and Joel went from one kiss to getting married to becoming strangers. In the aftermath, some scars hadn't healed.
w.c: 12,9k (longest piece of writing I've ever written)
warning: some fluff, angst HEAVY angst, mentions of dead, mentions of blood. Some events of the game will be mentioned here but they are not the same. Please forgive any grammar mistakes, since this one is so long I didn't check on everything. Paragraphs in cursive contain flashbacks.
a/n: Thank you so much for the amount of love you gave to part 1, I Swear I can't put into words how wonderful was to read all your comments and thoughts. This part ended up being totally different from what I started writing but is already here, please feel free to comment or share your thoughts with me, I'm really excited to read what you think! Happy reading
p.s, there is a a/n at the end :)
dividers by @/saradika-graphics
You hadn’t counted the hours, nor the seconds after it happened. The pictures of blood and yelp were the only things ringing in your ears as a solemn sound taunting your worst nightmares, which became real.
Your face was dry from the salty tears dripping from your eyes
“It’s done.” Tommy said, tone somber as they look on his eyes.
Neither you or Joel spoke. He was still, 5 ft away from you, his arms red from the blood drying on his skin.
Sarah’s blood.
Your painful sob broke the stillness that was suffocating you three in a moment where words were not enough to describe the pain. The feeling of being ripped out by life itself.
You tried to stand up, walking towards the tree where Tommy had buried her, but your legs shivered, making you fall on your knees on the grass. Tommy wrapped your arms around you
Your painful sob broke the stillness that suffocated the three of you, in a moment where words were not enough to describe the pain. The feeling of being ripped apart by life itself.
You tried to stand up, walking towards the tree where Tommy had buried her, but your legs shivered, making you fall to your knees on the grass. Tommy wrapped his arms around you, trying to offer some semblance of comfort in a world that had suddenly become so cruel and unforgiving.
Joel remained motionless, his eyes fixed on the ground, his mind seemingly a million miles away. The weight of his grief was a palpable thing, a dark cloud that hung over him, suffocating and relentless.
As Tommy held you, you looked over at Joel, searching for some sign that he was still there, that he was still the man you had loved and married. But all you saw was a broken shell, a man consumed by his own despair.
“Joel,” you whispered, your voice barely audible. “We need to be strong. For Sarah. For each other.”
He didn’t respond, his gaze never leaving the ground. The silence stretched on, a heavy, oppressive thing that threatened to crush you both.
Tommy tightened his grip around you, his own grief evident in the lines of his face. “We’ll get through this,” he said softly, though his voice lacked conviction. “We have to.”
You nodded, though you weren’t sure you believed him. The world had become a dark and terrifying place, and you didn’t know how to find the light again.
But as you looked at Joel, you knew that you couldn’t give up. You couldn’t let Sarah’s death be the end of everything. You had to find a way to keep going, to find a reason to keep fighting.
For her. For Joel. For yourself.
And so, as you knelt there in the grass, your heart heavy with grief, you made a silent vow. You would survive. You would find a way to live in this new, terrifying world.
Because you had to. Because there was no other choice.
Another night had enveloped the sky, the darkness a heavy blanket that seemed to press down on you from all sides. You had fallen asleep—or at least that’s what Joel and Tommy thought—as you lay curled up under a thin blanket near the dying embers of the campfire. The exhaustion from the day’s events had left you physically drained, but your mind remained restless, haunted by the images of Sarah and the relentless march of time.
The quiet murmur of Joel and Tommy’s conversation floated over to you, their voices low and filled with an unspoken tension. You kept your eyes closed, not wanting to intrude, but unable to help listening in.
“I just don’t know how to move on,” Joel’s voice was a strained whisper, thick with pain. “Every time I close my eyes, I see her face. I hear her voice.”
Tommy’s response was equally quiet, a comforting murmur in the darkness. “We’ll get through this, Joel. It’s hard, I know, but we’ll find a way.”
Joel’s voice cracked as he spoke again, the words tearing at your heart. “I should have saved her, Tommy. I should have done something.”
“You did everything you could,” Tommy insisted, his voice firm. “There was nothing more you could have done.”
Joel’s reply was almost inaudible, a broken confession that sent a chill down your spine. “If she hadn’t been there...if I hadn’t had to worry about her...maybe I could have saved Sarah.”
He was talking about you.
The silence that followed was deafening, the weight of Joel’s words hanging heavily in the air. Your breath caught in your throat, your heart pounding in your chest as you lay there, paralyzed by the enormity of what you had just heard.
Tommy’s voice was gentle, but there was an edge to it, a protective anger that surprised you. “You don’t mean that, Joel. You can’t blame her for what happened. It’s not fair.”
Joel’s sigh was a long, drawn-out sound, filled with resignation and regret. “I know it’s not fair. But I can’t help it, Tommy. I look at her, and all I see is what I lost. All I feel is this...anger. And I hate myself for it.”
You squeezed your eyes shut tighter, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over. The pain of Joel’s words was a sharp, physical ache, a knife twisting in your gut. The man you loved, the man you had always relied on, felt you were a burden, a reason for his greatest loss.
Tommy’s voice softened, a gentle plea. “You need to talk to her, Joel. You both need each other now more than ever. Don’t let this tear you apart.”
There was a long pause, and then Joel spoke again, his voice barely a whisper. “I don’t know if I can, Tommy. I don’t know if I have anything left to give.”
The tears finally escaped, silent trails down your cheeks as you lay there, feeling more alone than you ever had. The love you had once shared with Joel felt like a distant memory, a fragile thing that had shattered under the weight of your loss.
The next morning dawned bleak and gray, the sky a canvas of muted clouds. You woke early, the remnants of Joel and Tommy's conversation from the night before echoing in your mind. The pain and betrayal still stung, a constant reminder of how much had changed in such a short time. You quietly gathered your things, making sure not to wake them as you slipped away from the camp.
You needed time alone, a chance to clear your head and process the overwhelming emotions that threatened to consume you. The forest surrounding the camp was thick and dark, a labyrinth of trees and shadows that offered a temporary escape from the crushing reality of your grief.
Hours passed as you wandered aimlessly, the solitude a bitter comfort. You tried to make sense of Joel's words, to understand the depth of his pain and the burden of his guilt. But the hurt was too fresh, too raw, and all you could feel was the aching void where your heart used to be.
When you finally returned to the camp, Joel was waiting for you, his expression a storm of worry and anger. "Where the hell have you been?" he shouted, his voice echoing through the trees. "You can't just walk off like that!"
You stared at him, your own emotions swirling beneath the surface. But the words wouldn't come. You felt too empty, too drained to respond. The memory of his confession hung between you like a dark cloud, a silent reminder of the chasm that had opened up between you.
Joel's anger faltered as he looked at you, his eyes searching yours for some sign of understanding. He stepped closer, his voice softening. "Please, don't do that again. I can't... I can't lose you too."
Still, you remained silent, the words caught in your throat. You wanted to tell him how much his words had hurt, how deeply they had cut you. But the pain was too great, the wound too fresh.
Seeing your silence, Joel's face crumpled, the anger giving way to a deep, abiding sorrow. He reached out, wrapping his arms around you in a desperate embrace. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."
You stood there, enveloped in his arms, feeling the warmth of his body against yours. But the sadness was a heavy weight in your chest, a barrier that kept you from fully returning his embrace. The words he had spoken the night before replayed in your mind, a constant reminder of the distance that now lay between you.
For the sake of your marriage, for the fragile hope that someday things might be different, you decided to pretend. To bury the hurt and the anger deep inside, to put on a brave face and move forward as best you could.
You pulled back slightly, looking up at Joel with tear-filled eyes. "Let's just... let's just try to get through this," you said softly, your voice trembling. "One day at a time."
Joel nodded, his expression a mix of relief and regret. "One day at a time," he echoed, his grip tightening around you as if afraid to let go.
Four months had gone by in mere seconds. The story you and Joel carefully built waltzed into flames, and you didn’t look back after that house was set on fire. You had made your point clear, and you kept an oath in your words. You avoided Joel and forced yourself to pretend he didn’t exist. He became just a stranger you once shared your bare soul and body with.
It was not easy. Not for you, not for him. Your feelings were far from being buried, but in the midst of chaos, you couldn’t allow yourself to die from his words. A man falling out of love with you wasn’t the worst thing that had happened to you.
During the time your garden dried of thirst, a new arrival to Jackson caught your attention. A man. Dr. Matt Carter was a soft-spoken, kind-hearted man with a gentle demeanor and a wealth of medical knowledge. His arrival brought fresh air to the whole community. With his skills and charm, you found yourself drawn to his quiet compassion for others, as if this reeked world hadn’t corrupted him into becoming just a gosht of what he once was.
And you found yourself looking for that.
You and Matt had spent time together, sharing stories, sharing time, and the scars that had wounded both of your hearts. He lost his family during the first days of the outbreak, and you had lost yours somehow. His presence brought warmth to your soul; there was a tentative connection born from respect and understanding, hitting you like a wave.
And as if you were falling for another man, Joel watched from afar; his expression remained unreadable every time he had a glimpse of you in town. The sight of you smiling, genuinely smiling after everything he had put you through, stirred something within him—a mix of longing and regret that he had taken you for granted.
He had taken you for granted. He realized that now was far too late. His actions and choices had driven a wedge between you, and now he was paying the price. You had moved on; you had found someone who could offer you the warmth and kindness he had failed to provide. And he was left with the ashes of a life he had burned down with his own hands.
Ellie had become distant, her eyes reflecting a hurt and disappointment that cut Joel to the core. She no longer sought his guidance or comfort, retreating into her world, leaving him more isolated than ever. And Sophie... Oh god, Joel couldn't even bear to stomach her. The guilt and shame were too overwhelming, a constant reminder of his betrayal, but as he followed the figment of his worst intentions inside his head, he ended up in the same bed with her almost every night.
Every night, the guilt clawed at him as he sought solace in Sophie's arms, trying to escape the suffocating regret that consumed him. He hated himself for it, for betraying you even further, but he was trapped in a cycle of self-destruction that he couldn't seem to break free from.
One night, after another argument with Ellie that ended with her storming off, Joel found himself once again in Sophie's bed. The familiarity of her touch did nothing to ease the ache in his heart. Instead, it only deepened the chasm of regret and self-loathing that threatened to swallow him whole.
As he lay there, staring at the ceiling, the weight of his choices pressed down on him like a suffocating blanket. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep hurting you, hurting himself, and destroying everything that had once been good in his life.
He slipped out of bed quietly, careful not to wake Sophie, and dressed quickly. He needed to clear his head to find some semblance of clarity amidst the chaos of his emotions. He wandered the dark streets of Jackson, the cold night air biting at his skin, but he barely felt it.
His thoughts were a tangled mess of regret and longing, and he found himself standing outside your house, the warm glow of the lights inside casting a soft halo around the doorway. He could see you through the window, laughing with Matt, and the sight of your happiness was like a knife to his heart.
He turned away, unable to bear it, and walked aimlessly until he found himself at the edge of the community, where the world beyond Jackson's walls loomed dark and foreboding. He sat down on a bench, his head in his hands, and let the tears fall.
Every night, the guilt clawed at him as he sought solace in Sophie's arms, trying to escape the suffocating regret that consumed him. He hated himself for it, for betraying you even further, but he was trapped in a cycle of self-destruction that he couldn't seem to break free from.
One night, after another argument with Ellie that ended with her storming off, Joel found himself once again in Sophie's bed. The familiarity of her touch did nothing to ease the ache in his heart. Instead, it only deepened the chasm of regret and self-loathing that threatened to swallow him whole.
As he lay there, staring at the ceiling, the weight of his choices pressed down on him like a suffocating blanket. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep hurting you, hurting himself, and destroying everything that had once been good in his life.
He slipped out of bed quietly, careful not to wake Sophie, and dressed quickly. He needed to clear his head to find some semblance of clarity amidst the chaos of his emotions. He wandered the dark streets of Jackson, the cold night air biting at his skin, but he barely felt it.
His thoughts were a tangled mess of regret and longing, and he found himself standing outside your house, the warm glow of the lights inside casting a soft halo around the doorway. He could see you through the window, laughing with Matt, and the sight of your happiness was like a knife to his heart.
He turned away, unable to bear it, and walked aimlessly until he found himself at the edge of the community, where the world beyond Jackson's walls loomed dark and foreboding. He sat down on a bench, his head in his hands, and let the tears fall.
"Hey."
Joel looked up to see Tommy approaching, his expression a mix of sympathy and concern. "What are you doing out here, Joel?" Tommy asked, sitting down beside him.
Joel shook his head, unable to find the words to explain the turmoil inside him. "I can't keep doing this, Tommy," he finally said, his voice raw with emotion. "I can't keep hurting everyone."
Tommy placed a hand on Joel's shoulder, his grip firm and reassuring. "You gotta find a way to make things right, Joel. For yourself and for them."
Joel nodded, but the path to redemption felt impossible to navigate. "I don't even know where to start," he admitted.
"Start by being honest," Tommy said gently. "With yourself and with them. It's the only way you're going to find any kind of peace."
Joel sighed, knowing Tommy was right, but the thought of facing you, of admitting everything, filled him with a deep sense of dread. Still, he knew he couldn't keep running from his mistakes. He had to face them head-on, no matter how painful it might be.
The morning air was crisp and cool as Joel and Tommy walked toward the communal dining hall. The sun had just begun to rise, casting a golden glow over the town of Jackson. Joel's mind was heavy with the conversation from the night before, but he knew Tommy was right. He had to start making things right, even if it felt impossible.
As they entered the dining hall, the smell of freshly brewed coffee and a cooked breakfast greeted them. The room was filled with the chatter of early risers, everyone eager to start their day. Joel's eyes scanned the room, and his heart skipped a beat when he saw you.
You were standing by the serving area, helping with the morning tasks. Your smile was warm as you handed a plate to one of the residents, your laughter ringing out softly. It was a sound Joel hadn't heard in a long time, and it struck him with a bittersweet pang of nostalgia.
Tommy nudged Joel gently. "She's been helping out in the mornings," he explained quietly. "Trying to stay busy, I think."
Joel nodded, his gaze fixed on you. He hadn't seen you like this in months—so alive and vibrant—and it filled him with a mix of longing and regret. He wanted to go over to you to talk, but the weight of his mistakes held him back.
"Come on," Tommy said, leading him to an empty table. They sat down, and Tommy grabbed two mugs of coffee from a passing tray, handing one to Joel. "You should talk to her," he urged, his voice low and earnest. "It's not going to get any easier."
Joel watched as you handed out another plate, your smile lighting up the room. Just as he mustered the courage to stand up and walk over to you, Matt appeared at your side. The doctor wrapped his arm around you and kissed your temple, a gesture so intimate and familiar that it made Joel's heart ache.
He froze, his intentions crumbling. The warmth and ease between you and Matt were unmistakable, a stark contrast to the cold distance that had grown between you and Joel. Tommy, noticing the change in Joel's demeanor, followed his gaze and sighed.
Joel didn’t know, but your heart felt heavy at the sight of him, weighed down by a complicated mix of emotions. Seeing him standing there, so vulnerable and sincere, had stirred something inside you that you had tried to bury for months.
You tried to focus back on Matt, his kind eyes filled with spark. "Is everything okay?" he asked softly, his hand gently touching your arm.
You nodded, forcing a smile. "Yeah.”
Matt gave you a reassuring smile. "Take your time," he said. "I'm here if you need to talk."
You appreciated his support, but your thoughts were consumed by Joel. Despite everything that had happened, the sight of him standing there, so lost and full of regret, tugged at your heartstrings. You remembered the man he used to be man you had fallen in love with.
As you tried to focus on the tasks at hand, your gaze kept drifting back to Joel. He was sitting with Tommy, his shoulders slumped and his eyes downcast. The sight of him like that broke your heart all over again. You could see the pain etched into his features, the remorse and longing that mirrored your own feelings.
The memories of your life together flooded back—moments of joy, field dreams, and quiet nights. It was hard to reconcile those memories with the man who had hurt you so deeply. Yet, despite everything, a part of you still cared for him and still wanted to believe that there was a chance for redemption.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Four more months passed; that meant you and Joel hadn’t spoken to each other in eight months, and that was everything you could think about. The silence between you had become a constant, oppressive presence in your life. Despite your best efforts to move on, Joel's absence was a gaping wound that refused to heal. During this time, your relationship with Matt has grown closer. He had become a steady presence in your life, offering you kindness and understanding in a world that often felt devoid of both.
So, as these months went by, doubts began to creep into your mind. Every time you were with Matt, you couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. The shadow of your past with Joel loomed large, casting a pall over your attempts to forge a new chance.
Winter was fast approaching, and Jackson was bustling with preparations for the colder months. That night, the town had organized a party. The community gathered in the large hall, the warmth of the fire and the sound of music creating a temporary respite from the harsh reality outside.
You were with Matt, trying to enjoy the festivities, but the weight of your unresolved feelings made it difficult to fully immerse yourself in the celebration. You found yourself glancing around, half-expecting to see Joel in the crowd, even though you knew it was unlikely.
Matt noticed your distraction and leaned in closer, his brow furrowing with concern. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice gentle but tinged with worry.
You forced a smile, nodding. "Yeah, I'm just thinking about everything that's happened."
Matt's expression softened, and he reached out to take your hand. "I know it's been tough, but we're here now. Together."
"I appreciate you spending time with me," Matt said, his eyes warm and sincere. "It's been easy adjusting to everything here, but your company has made it even easier."
You smiled, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. "I'm glad we met, Matt. You've been a great help to all of us, and it's nice to have someone to talk to."
You squeezed his hand, appreciating his support, but the doubt still lingered. As the night wore on, you tried to push your feelings aside and focus on the present, but it was a losing battle.
Later in the evening, you and Matt found a quieter corner of the hall. He looked at you, his eyes searching yours. "I've been meaning to talk to you," he began, his voice serious.
You nodded, bracing yourself for the conversation you knew was coming.
"I care about you a lot," Matt continued, "and I want to take this relationship to the next level. But I need to know if you're truly ready for that."
Your heart clenched at his words. You wanted to be ready to move forward and leave the past behind, but doubt gnawed at you. "Matt, I don't know if I can," you admitted, your voice trembling. "There's so much I haven't dealt with, and I don't want to hurt you."
Matt's expression hardened, and he pulled his hand away. "I can't keep waiting forever," he said, frustration creeping into his voice. "I've been patient, but it feels like you're still holding onto something—or someone."
Matt's expression hardened, and he pulled his hand away. "I can't keep waiting forever," he said, frustration creeping into his voice. "I've been patient, but it feels like you're still holding onto something—or someone."
The truth of his words hit you like a punch to the gut. You had been holding onto Joel, to the memories and the pain. You couldn't deny it any longer. "I'm sorry," you whispered, tears welling up in your eyes. "I don't want to hurt you, but I can't ignore my feelings."
Matt sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I understand, but I can't keep doing this. I need someone who is all in, not someone who's still tied to their past, nor someone who wants to sleep with me."
Before you could respond, he stood up and walked away, leaving you alone in the corner of the hall. The weight of your unresolved feelings and the consequences of your indecision pressed down on you, and you felt more lost than ever.
You stood up, needing some fresh air, and walked out of the hall. The cold night air bit at your skin, a stark contrast to the warmth inside. You wrapped your arms around yourself and took a deep breath, trying to steady your racing thoughts.
The night was clear, the stars twinkling above you, and for a moment, you allowed yourself to feel the full weight of your emotions. You knew you couldn't keep running from the past, but facing it felt like an insurmountable task.
As you stood there, lost in your thoughts, you couldn't help but wonder where Joel was and if he was struggling with the same unresolved feelings that haunted you.
Because you thought he deserved it.
The dim light from the streetlamp outside your window casts long shadows across the room, its faint glow barely illuminating the small apartment. You had fallen into a restless sleep, your dreams plagued by memories of the past and fears of the future. The mattress beneath you was thin and uncomfortable, and the scratchy blanket offered little warmth against the cold reality of the world outside.
The sensation of an arm wrapping around your waist jolted you awake. Your heart raced, and for a moment, you were disoriented, caught between the remnants of a dream and the harshness of reality. You tensed, ready to defend yourself if necessary, but then you recognized the familiar touch and the scent that belonged to Joel.
"It's just me," he whispered, his voice rough and weary. The tension in your body eased slightly, but the unease remained.
"Where were you?" You asked, your voice barely more than a whisper, the worry evident in your tone. "It's past 2 AM."
Joel sighed, his breath warm against the back of his neck. "Out scavenging," he replied, his voice heavy with exhaustion. "We needed more supplies, and I couldn't sleep."
You turned to face him, your eyes searching for his in the dim light. The lines of worry and fatigue etched into his face were more pronounced, a testament to the weight he carried on his shoulders. "You can't keep doing this, Joel," you said softly, your hand resting on his cheek. "You need to rest too."
"I know," he admitted, his eyes closing as he leaned into your touch. "I just... I can't stop thinking about everything. About Sarah, about you, about how we're going to survive."
Your heart ached at his words. The pain of loss and the burden of survival were constant companions in your lives. "We'll get through this," you said, your voice filled with a determination that belied your own fears. "Together."
Joel's eyes opened, and he looked at you with a mix of gratitude and sorrow. "I don't deserve you," he murmured, his voice barely audible. "But I'm so damn grateful you're here."
You leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. "We're in this together," you repeated, your voice firm. "No matter what."
You had never told him you had heard the words.
He pulled you closer, his arms wrapping around you with a desperate intensity, as if he feared losing you too. You could feel the rapid beat of his heart against your chest; the shared rhythm was a reminder that, despite everything, you were still alive and still fighting.
As you lay there in the darkness, holding each other close, the world outside the tiny apartment seemed to fade away.
You stood there, staring up at the night sky, lost in your thoughts. The cold air nipped at your skin, but you welcomed the sharpness. It kept you grounded and reminded you that you were still here, still feeling, even if every emotion seemed to tear at you from the inside.
A voice broke through your reverie, soft but unmistakable. "It's a clear night, right?"
Startled, you turned to see Joel standing a few feet away, his hands shoved into his pockets. The lines on his face seemed deeper in the moonlight, and his eyes held a mixture of emotions that mirrored your own.
After eight months, you were there face-to-face.
"Joel," you said, your voice barely more than a whisper. "What are you doing here?"
He shrugged slightly, the motion almost imperceptible. "I needed some air. I saw you out here. I thought maybe you could use some company."
You looked back up at the sky, trying to steady your breathing. "I'm not sure I can handle this conversation right now."
Joel took a step closer, his presence both comforting and suffocating at the same time. "I don't want to push you," he said softly. "I just felt like you might need someone to talk to."
You let out a bitter laugh, the sound harsh in the quiet night. "Talk? What is there to say, Joel? Everything's so messed up."
He nodded, his gaze dropping to the ground. "I know. I never wanted things to end up like this. I messed up more than I can ever make right."
You shook your head, feeling the sting of tears again. “You ruin everything.”
No more words came out of his mouth, and you closed your eyes, hoping he would leave you alone.
"How long?" Joel asked finally, his voice breaking the silence. "How long have you been with the doctor?”
You looked at him, and the vulnerability in his eyes made your heart ache. "We're just friends, Joel. He helps me cope with everything. But it's not what you think."
Joel's shoulders slumped, relief mingling with the guilt in his eyes. "I don't know what I think anymore," he admitted. "I just know that I can't keep pretending like this doesn't hurt. Seeing you with him reminds me of what I lost. What I threw away."
+++
The room was dark, illuminated only by the soft glow of the moonlight streaming through the small window. You and Joel had finally found a place to rest in Jackson, a sanctuary after months of navigating through the states with Ellie. It felt surreal to be in a bed again, to have a roof over your heads and a semblance of normalcy.
You lay beside Joel, listening to the steady rhythm of his breathing. The warmth of his body next to yours was a comfort you had almost forgotten. As you turned to face him, you saw his eyes were open, gazing at you with a tenderness that made your heart swell.
"I can't believe we're here," you whispered, your voice barely audible in the stillness of the night.
Joel reached out, his fingers gently brushing a strand of hair from your face. "Me neither," he replied softly. "Feels like a dream."
You smiled, leaning into his touch. "A good dream."
He nodded, his eyes never leaving yours. "I know it's been hard," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "Everything we've been through... but we're here now. And I want you to know that I love you. Always have, always will."
The words took your breath away. It had been so long since you had heard them, since you had felt the certainty of his love. Tears welled up in your eyes as you reached out, cupping his face in your hands.
"I love you too, Joel," you whispered, your voice breaking. "More than anything."
He pulled you close, his arms wrapping around you as if he never wanted to let go. You buried your face in his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and for the first time in a long while, you felt a sense of peace. The world outside might have been falling apart, but in that moment, you had each other, and that was enough.
Joel’s words cut through the night air like a blade. “Sophie is pregnant.”
You felt your breath catch, the weight of his revelation sinking in. Anger, hurt, and confusion are all mixed together in a tumultuous storm inside you. “What do you want me to do? To kill him?” you retorted, your voice sharp with sarcasm and pain.
Joel shook his head, his expression somber. “It isn’t mine.”
“Good,” you snapped. “I can't say what kind of mother Sophie will be, but that child doesn't deserve a father like you.”
Joel flinched at your words, the sting of them evident in his eyes.
“How do you know it’s not yours?” you asked.
“Because she is two months old,” Joel said, his voice steady but filled with a weary resignation. “And do you think I would have the strength to be with her after what happened?”
You stared at him, your heart pounding. The weight of the past, the betrayal, and the lingering feelings between you made it hard to breathe. “It’s not like you care about someone’s feelings,” you spat, your voice trembling with emotion.
“Come on,” Joel pleaded, his eyes filled with desperate earnestness. “You should stop being this unfair.”
“Unfair?” You echoed, your voice rising. “You think I’m being unfair? After everything you’ve done?”
Joel took a step closer, his eyes pleading with you to understand. “I know I’ve made mistakes. I know I’ve hurt you. But I never wanted things to turn out like this. I never wanted to lose you.”
“Then why?” you demanded, tears streaming down your face. “Why did you do it? Why did you throw everything away?”
Joel ran a hand through his hair, frustration and regret etched into his features. “I don’t know,” he admitted, his voice breaking. “I was lost. I was hurting. And I made a terrible mistake. But I never stopped loving you. Not for a second.”
He never stopped loving you; he said those words.
You shook your head, and the pain in your chest was almost unbearable. “Loving me wasn’t enough, Joel. It wasn’t enough to keep you from hurting me. And now... now I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”
Joel’s shoulders slumped, the weight of your words crushing him. “I understand,” he said quietly. “But I need you to know that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. To earn your trust back. Even if it takes the rest of my life.”
You looked at him, the man you had once loved with all your heart, and felt a flicker of the old connection between you. The weight of unspoken words and lingering pain hung in the air between you, and you took a deep breath, needing to finally voice what had been haunting you for so long.
"After Sarah died..." you began, your voice trembling. "I know you spent weeks wishing it would have been me instead of her. Don’t try to deny it. I heard you the night after. You and Tommy were talking, and he was telling you not to push me away, and you said, "
"She was our daughter," Joel interrupted, his eyes glistening with tears as he realized how horrible he had been to you. "You know what it felt like to lose her."
"I know," you replied, your voice soft but steady. "It would make you feel better to know I did it too, but that's the difference between us. I would never wish that because you mean everything to me, and without Sarah, I needed you to keep going."
Joel's expression crumbled, the weight of your words breaking through the walls he had built around his heart. He took a step closer, his hands trembling as he reached out to you.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice choked with emotion. "I was so lost in my grief that I couldn't see how much you were hurting too. I pushed you away when I should have held you closer."
You looked into his eyes, seeing the raw vulnerability and regret there. It was a glimpse of the man you had once loved—the man you had hoped he could be again.
"I needed you, Joel," you said, your voice breaking. "I needed you to be there for me, but you shut me out. And then... then you betrayed me in the worst possible way."
Joel nodded, tears streaming down his face. "I know. And I can't change what I've done. But I want to make things right, if you'll let me. I want to be the man you deserve—the man who can be there for you like I should have been. All over man”
You closed your eyes, the weight of his words settling over you.
Joel's gaze softened, his eyes searching yours with a mix of sorrow and understanding. "I was scared," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "Scared of reopening old wounds, scared of facing my own guilt and grief, I thought if I buried it deep enough, it would eventually fade away. But I was wrong."
You felt a lump form in your throat at his words, the pain of years of unspoken grief rising to the surface. "I was scared too," you confessed, your voice barely more than a whisper. "Scared of losing you, scared of facing the reality of what we had lost together."
As Joel's words hung heavy in the air, you felt a surge of anger and betrayal rising within you. "You're going to talk about her now?" You spat, your voice tinged with bitterness. "You never mentioned her because you felt it was better to pretend, she didn't exist?"
Joel recoiled at the accusation, his eyes filled with pain. "You don't get to tell me how I should feel," he protested, his voice shaking with emotion. "I loved her too, you know. Losing her was... it was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Because when I saved you, she died,"
"So, letting my baby die was your revenge?"
"It was my baby too," Joel insisted, his voice pleading. "I would have given anything to save him; you know that."
You shook your head, tears stinging your eyes. "You're..." you started, unable to find the words to express the depth of your pain and anger. "I fucking despise you, Joel," you finally spat, the words heavy with the weight of your broken heart. "Fuck you, fuck Sophie, fuck everything that..."
But before you could finish, Joel's voice cut through the chaos, soft and filled with longing. "I miss you," he whispered, his words echoing in the space between you.
"You have to," you replied bitterly, your heart aching with the rawness of your emotions. "When did you stop loving me?"
"I love you," Joel said, his voice filled with sincerity.
You sighed, the weight of his words crashing over you like a tidal wave. "When did you fall out of love with me?" you asked quietly, your voice barely more than a whisper.
"I never did," Joel confessed, his eyes locking with yours. "You're the love of my life. I would marry you in all the universes."
"But?" you pressed, your heart clenching with the fear of his answer.
"But every time I look at you, I see my baby girl in your eyes,” Joel faltered, his voice trailing off.
"You could have told me,” you whispered, tears streaming down your face. "I don't forgive you, Joel. I loved the old you, I was in love with that man. I had a beautiful girl with him, and they both died that night."
"Stop talking like I don't exist anymore," Joel pleaded, his voice breaking with emotion.
"You don't," you replied, your voice hollow with grief. "The Joel Miller I loved would never do what you did."
As the truth of your words settled over you both, you felt the weight of your shared grief and regret pressing down on your shoulders. But somewhere deep inside, you knew that the man you had loved still lived, intertwined with the veins of your soul, forever a part of you.
You walked away from him.
As the days passed by, the encounter with Joel lingered in your mind, stirring emotions you had tried to bury. The pain, anger, and lingering love for the man he once was weighed heavily on you, despite your attempts to move forward. You found yourself distracted, your thoughts often drifting back to that night and the raw honesty of his words.
Joel, too, was affected by the confrontation. He became more withdrawn, his guilt and regret casting a shadow over his every action. You could see the torment in his eyes whenever your paths crossed in Jackson, a silent acknowledgment of the wounds that had yet to heal.
One cold winter morning, you were busy with your usual tasks, trying to keep your mind occupied. The biting wind swept through the town, and you pulled your coat tighter around you as you made your way through the streets. As you approached the central square, you noticed a commotion near the gates.
Ellie had arrived, her face flushed with anger. She stormed through the gates, her eyes blazing with fury. Concerned, you approached her, hoping to understand what had happened.
"Ellie, what's wrong?" you asked gently, trying to catch her attention.
She glared at you; her anger palpable. "Fuck you," she snapped, her voice filled with a bitterness that cut through you.
Taken aback by her hostility, you stepped back, watching as she continued her march towards the center of Jackson. You followed her with your eyes, your concern growing. It was then that you saw Joel arriving from the opposite direction, his expression tense and troubled.
Joel's eyes found yours across the space, and in that moment, you realized that something she had found out the truth. The weight of his gaze and the anger in Ellie's demeanor pointed to a revelation that had shaken them both to the core.
The air felt fresh against the skin of your face, but for a reason you couldn’t kept going, you paralyzed as you saw Ellie’s back from behind as she kept making her way towards Jackson in complete silence.
You and Joel had sworn everything he had said was true. You had made a choice for her and th guilt began to creep within you.
Joel noticed your distress, and walk backwards until he was in front of you “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I don’t know if I can’t keep this secret” you told him.
Joel sighed, his shoulders slumping as he looked into your eyes. "I need you to be strong," he said softly. "For her. For us. We'll protect her from this, together. We can't ever tell her the truth," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "She can't know what really happened with the Fireflies."
You stood beside him, the enormity of his words settling over you. "I know," you replied, your voice heavy with resignation. "But it's going to be hard to keep it from her, Joel. She deserves to know the truth."
Joel turned to face you; his eyes filled with a desperate plea. "Please," he said, his voice breaking. "I need you to promise me. For her sake. For all our sakes."
You met his gaze, seeing the anguish and fear in his eyes. You understood the stakes, the delicate balance that needed to be maintained to protect Ellie. With a heavy heart, you nodded.
"I promise," you said softly. "We'll keep the secret."
Joel exhaled, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly. "Thank you," he murmured. "I know it's not fair to ask this of you, but I couldn't bear to lose her. Not after everything."
You reached out and placed a hand on his arm, offering what comfort you could. "We'll protect her, Joel. Together."
Joel's expression softened. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to your temple.
Ellie’s words stung, but your concern for her outweighed the hurt. Determined to understand what had set her off, you followed her through the bustling streets of Jackson. The winter air was crisp, and your breath was visible as you quickened your pace to keep up with her.
“Ellie, please,” you called after her, but she didn’t slow down. Her steps were fueled by anger and pain, and you knew something significant must have happened.
She finally stopped near the edge of the settlement, in a secluded spot away from prying eyes. You approached her cautiously, giving her space but making it clear you weren’t going anywhere.
“What happened?” You asked, your voice gentle but firm.
Ellie spun around to face you, her eyes blazing with a mix of fury and betrayal. “You and Joel think you can just lie to me? About everything?”
Your heart sank. The truth had come out. “Ellie, I—”
“Don’t,” she cut you off, her voice trembling. “Don’t try to explain it away. I know what happened. I know what he did and what you both did.”
The weight of her accusation hung in the air, and you felt the full force of your guilt crashing down on you. “We were trying to protect you,” you said quietly. “We thought it was the only way.”
Ellie’s eyes filled with tears, but her anger didn’t waver. “You had no right to make that choice for me,” she spat. “I deserved to know the truth. I deserved to make my own decisions.”
You took a step closer, your own eyes misting with tears. “I’m sorry, Ellie. We thought we were doing the right thing. We thought it was the only way to keep you safe.”
Ellie shook her head, her hands balling into fists at her sides. “You know, you both deserve each other,” she said, her voice breaking. “That baby you lost didn’t deserve a liar mother.”
Ellie’s words cut deeper than any blade. You felt your breath catch in your throat, the pain of her accusation mingling with the agony of your loss. Tears welled up in your eyes, blurring your vision as you struggled to find the words to respond.
“Ellie, please,” you whispered, your voice trembling. “Don’t say that.”
Before you could respond, you heard footsteps behind you. Joel had followed, his face etched with worry and regret. “Ellie,” he began, but she held up a hand to stop him.
“Save it, Joel,” she said, her voice cold. “I don’t want to hear any more lies.”
Joel’s shoulders slumped, his eyes pleading as he looked at her. “Ellie, please. We did what we thought was best. We were trying to protect you.”
Ellie’s anger flared again, and she took a step back, as if physically recoiling from his words. “Protect me? By lying to me? By taking away my choice.”
Joel’s expression crumbled, and he glanced at you, his eyes filled with desperation. “We were wrong,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “We were wrong to keep the truth from you. But we did it out of love. Out of fear of losing you.”
Ellie’s gaze flickered between you and Joel, her emotions a storm of betrayal and hurt. “I need time,” she said finally, her voice cracking. “I need to think.”
You couldn’t bear to look at Joel. The guilt and regret in his eyes were too much to bear. You took a step back, then another, putting distance between you and the man who had once been your anchor. The man who had become a stranger through a web of lies and broken promises.
“Wait!” Joel called out, his voice breaking. “Please, don’t go.”
But you couldn’t stay. Not now. Not with everything crashing down around you. You turned away, your heart heavy with grief and sorrow, and walked away from Joel, leaving him standing alone in the snow.
As you made your way through the town, the cold wind stinging your cheeks, you couldn’t help but replay the events in your mind. The pain in Ellie’s eyes, the desperation in Joel’s voice, and the unbearable weight of your own guilt. You had thought you were protecting her, but in doing so, you had shattered the trust that had once held you all together.
The night was cold, a sharp wind slicing through the darkness as the three of you huddled around the crackling fire. The journey to the hospital had been long and arduous, each day blurring into the next as you traversed through abandoned towns and treacherous terrain. But tonight, there was a strange sense of peace among you.
You rested your head on Joel's shoulder, feeling the warmth of his body seeping into yours, a welcome contrast to the biting cold. Ellie sat across from you, poking at the fire with a stick, her face illuminated by the dancing flames.
"Ugh, you two are disgusting," Ellie joked, a playful smirk on her lips as she watched the two of you. "Get a room, seriously."
You chuckled, feeling a warmth that had nothing to do with the fire. Joel's arm tightened around you, a subtle yet comforting gesture. "Jealous much?" you teased back, meeting Ellie's eyes with a grin.
"Yeah, right," Ellie snorted, rolling her eyes dramatically. "As if I'd want to cuddle up to Joel."
"Hey now," Joel interjected, his voice carrying a mock tone of hurt. "I'm plenty cuddly."
Ellie laughed, the sound infectious and genuine, filling the night with a rare sense of normalcy. It was moments like these that made the hardships of your journey bearable, the little pockets of happiness that you all clung to.
As the laughter died down, a comfortable silence settled over the three of you. You closed your eyes, feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of Joel's chest beneath your head, the steady beat of his heart a soothing lullaby.
"We're becoming a little family, aren't we?" you mused on Joel’s chest just for him to listen.
"Joel."
He turned back at the sound of your voice, the familiar timbre soothing his demons as only you could tame them. How could he have messed up all he had with you?
You hadn't wanted to talk to him in so long that he felt he could cry just from hearing his name slip from your lips.
"Hey," he stuttered.
"I-" you started, struggling to find the words to begin a conversation with the man you had once shared your bare soul and body with. Carefully, you stepped onto the porch of the house you had once shared, your legs trembling. "I....- knew... well. Ellie found out the truth," you said, standing next to him, barely touching his shoulder with yours.
"She hates me," Joel murmured, his voice thick with emotion.
"She doesn't," you declared firmly. "She's mad at me too, but she doesn't really hate you or me."
"You don't have to feel sorry for me," he said, his voice tinged with hurt.
"I don't," you declared, your tone steady. "I don't feel anything for you, but I won't blame you for what you did."
Joel's shoulders slumped, and he turned to face you fully, his eyes searching yours for any sign of the connection you once shared. "I don't know how to make things right," he admitted, his voice barely more than a whisper.
“You can’t.” You declared, “At least, not for now. You need to let her alone for a while.”
Joel nodded, his expression a mixture of resignation and longing. "I know," he said softly. "I just... I want to fix things, but I don't know where to start."
You met his gaze, seeing the turmoil in his eyes mirrored in your own. "Sometimes, the best thing we can do is give each other space," you said, your voice gentle yet firm. "Let Ellie process everything in her own time. And in the meantime, we need to figure out how to move forward."
Joel sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I don't even know if she'll ever forgive me," he admitted, his voice heavy with doubt.
"You can't control how she feels," you reminded him, your words laced with empathy. "All you can do is show her that you're truly sorry and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make things right."
Joel's gaze softened, a hint of gratitude flickering in his eyes. "Thank you," he said quietly, the weight of his words carrying the weight of his remorse. "For not giving up on me."
You gave him a small, sad smile.
Joel swore he could die just to repair what he had done to you, just for having you this close to him. If one thing had been different, what would it be like now?
The innocence of a first kiss doesn't compare to the stolen glances between two people who once knew everything about each other. And when you said so, you meant him.
He knew you; he drew a constellation in your arms, but he didn't allow you to catch a glimpse of himself in you.
You were a thing—a disposable one.
But he was everything, caring while being careless.
He was human; he loved you, but he was a man.
One who didn't know how to love after humanity had taken everything from him.
"Ellie." You said, looking at her sitting outside your house.
"Why the hell were you talking to him?" she asked, bitterness on her tongue.
"Because I knew you talked" you replied
"Yes, but I don't want you to talk to him"
"I was just checking on him" you defended yourself from her accusations.
"Why? Why do you care about him?
"Ellie-“
"No! He makes you cry every time he is near you, I don't want that.'
"I was part of the lie too and I'm sorry but if you would be here now, I wouldn’t be alive
"I don't hate you. I'm sad you did it, but you didn't make that choice for me. Joel did, he is the one to blame.
"Don't even defend him," Ellie snapped, her frustration boiling over. "I swear, I'll get mad at you for that."
You fell silent, the weight of Ellie's words settling over you like a heavy shroud. In that moment, you realized just how much pain and anger Joel's actions had caused, not just for Ellie, but for you too. And as you looked at her sitting outside your house, you knew that navigating this tangled web of emotions was going to be harder than you ever imagined.
As winter settled over Jackson, the town transformed into a snow-covered wonderland, blanketed in pristine white. The days grew shorter, the air colder, and the residents bundled up in layers of warm clothing as they went about their daily routines.
In the weeks that followed Ellie's revelation, tensions remained high among the residents. The fallout from the truth about the Fireflies cast a long shadow over the community, leaving everyone grappling with their own feelings of guilt and betrayal.
For you, the days passed in a blur of routine tasks and quiet contemplation. You found solace in the routine of daily life, throwing yourself into your work and trying to push aside the weight of your own guilt and regret.
As New Year's Eve approached, the town began to buzz with anticipation. Despite the somber mood that hung over Jackson, there was still a sense of hope and renewal in the air. The residents came together to celebrate the passing of another year, eager to leave the pain and heartache of the past behind them.
The streets were decorated with twinkling lights and festive decorations, and the sound of laughter and music filled the air.
The New Year's party was in full swing, with laughter and music filling the air. The community of Jackson was determined to celebrate and to find moments of joy despite the darkness that surrounded them. You were there, mingling and trying to put on a brave face, when suddenly you heard Ellie's voice rise above the din.
The room fell silent after that, all eyes turning towards the confrontation. Joel stood there, looking wounded and weary, his shoulders slumping under the weight of Ellie's words. Without another word, he turned and walked out of the room, leaving a heavy silence in his wake.
You felt a pang of sympathy for Joel, despite everything that had happened between you. After a moment's hesitation, you followed him outside, needing to see if he was okay.
You found him on the porch of what was once the house you both shared, sitting on the steps with his guitar in his lap. His fingers plucked at the strings absently, creating a soft, melancholic tune. He looked up, startled, as you approached, his eyes widening in surprise.
"I didn't expect to see you here," he said quietly, his voice rough with emotion.
"I didn't expect to come out here," you admitted, taking a seat beside him. "But I heard what happened inside. Are you okay?"
Joel let out a heavy sigh, his fingers stilling on the guitar strings. "Just another fight with Ellie," he said, his voice tinged with sadness. "It seems like all we do lately is fight."
You nodded, understanding all too well the strain that grief and guilt could place on relationships. "It's hard," you said softly. "On all of us."
He looked at you, his eyes filled with a mixture of regret and longing. "I never meant to hurt you," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "Any of you."
"I know," you said, your voice just as quiet. "But that doesn't change what happened."
Joel nodded; his expression hurt. "I don't know how to fix this," he admitted. "I don't know how to make things right."
For a moment, neither of you spoke; the only sound was the soft strumming of Joel's guitar. The tension between you was palpable, a silent acknowledgment of the love and pain that still lingered between you.
"Maybe some things can't be fixed," you said finally, your voice trembling. "Maybe we just have to find a way to live with the pieces."
Joel looked at you, his eyes filled with deep, abiding sorrow. "I'm willing to try," he said softly. "If you'll let me."
"I never thought I would see you with a guitar again," you said, ignoring his words and the way your heart constricted against your ribs at the reminiscence of the man you loved, back when Joel was full of life and hope.
Joel glanced down at the guitar in his lap, a sad smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "I guess some habits die hard," he murmured, his fingers resuming their gentle strumming. The soft melody hung in the air, a haunting reminder of a time when things were simpler, when love and music filled your lives instead of pain and regret.
You watched him for a moment, the familiar chords stirring memories that you had tried so hard to bury. "Do you remember the first song you played for me?" you asked, your voice barely more than a whisper.
Joel nodded, his eyes distant as he recalled the memory. "Of course I do. 'Can't Help Falling in Love.' You said it was your favorite."
"It still is," you admitted, a sad smile playing on your lips. "Even now."
For a moment, the two of you sat in silence, the only sound being the soft strumming of Joel's guitar. The tension between you eased slightly, replaced by a shared sense of nostalgia and longing.
Joel finally looked up, his eyes meeting yours. "I miss those days," he said quietly.
"So do I," you admitted, your voice trembling with emotion. "But we can't go back, Joel. We can only move forward."
"I know," he said, his voice heavy with regret. "But I wish I could make things right between us."
You looked away, the pain of his betrayal still fresh in your mind. "Some things can't be fixed, Joel," you said softly. "Some wounds are too deep."
Joel's fingers stilled on the guitar strings, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "I just want you to know that I'm sorry," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "For everything."
You took a deep breath, trying to steady the whirlwind of emotions inside you. "I know you are," you said finally. "But sorry isn't enough to change what happened. It isn't enough to heal the hurt."
"I know," he said again, his voice filled with sorrow.
You smiled softly, a memory from the past momentarily lifting the weight on your heart. "Do you remember when I told you I was pregnant with Sarah back then?"
Joel's eyes softened, and he returned your smile, the sadness in his gaze briefly replaced by warmth. "How could I forget? You were glowing. It was the happiest I'd ever seen you."
You chuckled at the bittersweet sound. "You were so stunned, you just sat there for a minute, speechless. I thought you were upset."
Joel shook his head, his fingers stilling on the guitar strings. "I wasn't upset. I was overwhelmed. It was like everything I'd ever wanted was finally coming true."
A comfortable silence settled between you, the shared memory bridging the chasm that had grown between you. The night air was cool, with a gentle breeze rustling the leaves nearby.
"I miss those days too," you admitted softly. "When life was simple, and our biggest worries were about making ends meet, not surviving day to day,"
Joel nodded, his expression thoughtful. "We can't go back to those days, but maybe... maybe we can find a way to move forward."
You looked at him, the sincerity in his eyes touching a chord within you. "It's going to take time, Joel. And a lot of effort."
"I know," he replied, his voice steady. "But I'm willing to try. For us, and for Ellie."
The mention of Ellie brought a fresh wave of emotion. "She's been through so much," you said, your voice thick with concern. "We need to be strong for her."
Joel's fingers resumed their gentle strumming, the soft melody filling the night air once more. "We will be.”
Your heart began to beat faster—a heavy, suffocating rhythm that filled your chest. For a moment, it felt as if the man you once knew, the man you had loved with all your heart, was sitting right there beside you. In that instant, there was no cheating, no dead baby, and no outbreak. Just you and Joel, the way it used to be.
He looked at you with those soft brown eyes of his, eyes that once held nothing but love and hope. The same eyes that had crinkled at the corners when he smiled had looked at you with such adoration and warmth.
Joel's fingers, calloused yet gentle, reached up to brush a strand of hair from your face. His touch was so light and tender that you almost didn't feel it. But the gesture—the simple, familiar intimacy of it—made your breath catch in your throat.
"Do you ever think about what could have been?" you asked, your voice barely more than a whisper, as if speaking too loudly would shatter the fragile moment.
Joel's eyes held yours, and for a moment, you saw the depth of his sorrow and regret. "Every day," he replied, his voice thick with emotion. "I think about it every day."
The weight of his words settled over you, mingling with your own grief and longing. You wanted to reach out, to bridge the gap that had grown between you, but the wounds were still too raw, too fresh.
"I'm sorry for everything," he continued, his voice breaking. "For all the pain I've caused you."
You nodded, tears welling in your eyes. "Stop saying that," you whispered. "I know you are."
For a fleeting moment, it felt as if the past had dissolved, leaving only the two of you, bound by the love you had once shared. The guitar's soft melody wrapped around you, a bittersweet echo of the happiness you had known.
But reality, harsh and unrelenting, lingered at the edges of your consciousness, reminding you of the chasm that still separated you. The pain, the betrayal, the loss—they were all still there, lurking in the shadows.
Joel's hand lingered on your cheek, his touch a gentle reminder of what you had once had, and what you had lost. You closed your eyes, savoring the moment, even as your heart ached with the knowledge that it could never truly be the same.
Joel leaned in; his intentions clear in the way his eyes searched yours. But as his lips neared yours, you instinctively moved your head, redirecting his kiss to your cheek. His lips lingered there for a few seconds, warm and soft against your skin, a hesitant caress that spoke of longing and regret.
The unexpected intimacy of the moment sent a shiver down your spine, and for those few lingering seconds, you let yourself feel the connection, the love that still lingered between you despite everything that had happened.
When he finally pulled back, his eyes were filled with a mixture of sorrow and hope. "I don't want to lose you," he whispered, his voice raw with emotion.
You looked at him, your own emotions a tangled mess. "I don't want to lose you either," you admitted, your voice trembling.
"Hey," Ellie said, her voice breaking the fragile silence. "Am I interrupting something?"
Joel pulled back slightly, his expression shifting from the raw vulnerability he'd shown to a more guarded demeanor. "No, Ellie," he said softly, his voice carrying a hint of weariness. "We were just talking."
Ellie raised an eyebrow, clearly skeptical. "Talking, huh? It looked like more than just talking."
You stood up, brushing away the remnants of tears from your cheeks. "It's okay, Ellie," you said, trying to sound reassuring. "We were just... sorting things out."
Ellie crossed her arms, her gaze still flicking between the two of you. "Well, whatever. I just came out to get some fresh air. That party is too loud."
Joel gave her a small, understanding nod. "Yeah, I get that," he said. "Sometimes you need a break from all the noise."
Ellie looked at you, her expression softening slightly. "Are you okay?" she asked, her concern evident.
You managed a small smile, though it felt strained. "I'm getting there," you replied. "One step at a time."
Ellie nodded, seeming to accept your answer. “Can I talk to Joel?” she asked, looking for an answer
As you walked away, you couldn't shake the feeling of unease that lingered in the air. The tension between Ellie and Joel was palpable, and you couldn't help but worry about what their conversation might entail.
The knock on your door startled you awake, pulling you from the restless sleep that had plagued you for hours. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you stumbled to the door, heart pounding with uncertainty.
When you opened it, Joel stood on the other side, his expression hesitant yet hopeful. His presence filled the doorway, casting a shadow over the threshold.
"Joel," you said, your voice a mixture of surprise and apprehension.
"Hey," he murmured, his gaze searching yours. "I... I couldn't sleep. Can we talk?"
You hesitated, unsure if you were ready to face him again after everything that had happened. But the sincerity in his eyes tugged at your heartstrings, and you found yourself nodding, stepping aside to let him in.
Joel's words trailed off as he reached out, his hand gently cupping your cheek. His touch sent a shiver down your spine, stirring emotions you had tried to bury deep within.
Before you could protest or pull away, his lips met yours in a soft, tentative kiss. It was a kiss filled with longing and regret, a silent plea for forgiveness and understanding.
For a moment, you were lost in the sensation of his lips against yours, the familiarity of his touch washing over you like a wave. Memories of happier times flooded your mind, threatening to overwhelm you with their intensity.
But as quickly as it had begun, the kiss ended, leaving you breathless and confused. You pulled away, staring at Joel in shock, searching for answers in the depths of his eyes.
"Joel, what are you doing?" you whispered, your voice trembling with a mixture of emotions.
Joel's expression was pained as he stepped back, his hand falling away from your face. "I'm sorry," he murmured, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I don't know what came over me."
You shook your head, trying to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions swirling inside you. "We can't do this, Joel," you said firmly, though your heart ached at the words.
"I know," he replied, his voice heavy with regret. "I just... I needed to see you. To talk to you. To try to make things right."
You looked away, unable to meet his gaze. "It's too late for that," you said softly, the weight of your words hanging heavily in the air between you.
Joel nodded, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "I know," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I know. I just had this feeling and I couldn’t sleep." Joel met your gaze, his eyes filled with a mixture of longing and resignation. "I just don't know if I can do this without you," he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper.
Your heart clenched at his words, the raw vulnerability in his voice stirring something deep within you. But you knew that giving in to him now would only lead to more heartache in the long run.
"I need space, Joel," you said, your voice firm but gentle. “Go to sleep, please”
Joel nodded, his shoulders slumping further in defeat. “Have a good night, and happy new year” he said, smiling.
“Happy new year.”
As the next day progressed,
you went about your tasks, trying to focus on the bustling activity in Jackson. The town seemed livelier than usual, with people coming and going, laughter filling the air. But something felt off, a nagging sense of unease that lingered at the edges of your consciousness.
Hours passed, and you realized you hadn't seen Joel, Tommy, or Ellie all day. At first, you brushed it off, thinking they might be busy with their own tasks or simply taking some time for themselves. But as the day wore on and the sun began to dip below the horizon, that nagging feeling grew stronger.
You tried to push aside your growing unease, focusing on your tasks with renewed determination. But deep down, you couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Your mind raced with possibilities, each one more terrifying than the last.
Finally, unable to ignore your instincts any longer, you set out to find out what had happened to Joel, Tommy, and Ellie. You searched the town, asking anyone you came across if they had seen them, but no one had any answers.
As the evening wore on and darkness descended upon Jackson, your anxiety reached a fever pitch. The streets grew quiet, the bustling activity of earlier replaced by an eerie stillness. And still, there was no sign of Joel, Tommy, or Ellie.
With a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, you realized that something had gone terribly wrong.
As you approached Ellie, Dina, Tommy, and the rest of the group, the gravity of the situation became painfully clear. Ellie was hurt, her face twisted with grief and anguish, while Dina followed closely behind, offering what comfort she could. Tommy and the others looked devastated, but it was Tommy's expression that caught your attention. When his eyes met yours, he broke down, the weight of his grief too much to bear.
"Ellie? What's wrong?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.
"He's..." Ellie began, her voice choked with emotion.
"Tommy?" you turned to him, hoping for some clarity.
"Joel died," Tommy finally managed to say, his voice breaking with the weight of his words.
Your heart stopped, the world around you fading into a blur as the reality of his words sank in. Joel, the man you had loved and lost so many times over, was gone. The ghost of your Joel had died, and now you had lost him physically as well.
Tears welled up in your eyes as you struggled to process the enormity of the loss. Joel, who had been a constant presence in your life, was gone, leaving behind a void that could never be filled.
You reached out to Ellie, offering whatever comfort you could, but inside, you felt as though a part of you had died along with Joel.
Joel was gone, and with him, a piece of your heart had died too.
You stood in Joel's house, surrounded by the remnants of his life. Every corner held a memory, every object a reminder of the man he had been. It was both comforting and agonizing, a bittersweet symphony of grief and love.
With trembling hands, you began to search through his belongings, desperate to find something that would make you feel less worse, if only for a moment. You opened drawers and cabinets, sifted through papers and trinkets, but nothing seemed to ease the ache in your heart.
when you stepped inside his bedroom, his presence hit you like a wave, so inoffensive yet so violent, strong, with the force to make you fall on your bum and being trapped by its force.
You felt a lump, the air in your lungs hot stuck and you couldn't help but gasp. You sat on the unmade bed, looking around, caressing the sheets as if him would step for his door and say sorry for what he did.
The room smelled like him, a wooed incandescent essence you would never forget.
When you lifted your eyes to the bed table, there were two frames. A picture of him and Sarah, and your heart stopped for a moment, thinking they were together now. The second held a photo of the two of you, taken on your wedding day, your smiles bright and hopeful.
Tears filled your eyes as you gazed at the images, the pain of loss washing over you anew.
You turned to see Tommy standing in the doorway, his expression mirroring your own somber sadness.
"Hey," he said softly, his voice filled with understanding. "I thought I'd find you here."
You nodded, unable to speak as the weight of grief pressed down on you.
Tommy stepped further into the room, his eyes scanning the space with a mixture of reverence and sorrow. "It's hard to believe he's gone," he murmured, his voice barely more than a whisper, trying to keep his composure.
You swallowed hard, blinking back tears as you struggled to find the words to express the depth of your loss. "Yeah," you managed, your voice hoarse with emotion. "It doesn't feel real."
Tommy wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer as you wept. His shoulder was a sturdy anchor, absorbing the weight of your sorrow.
"I know it feels like that," he said softly, his voice a soothing balm to your wounded heart.
You nodded, tears streaming down your face as you struggled to come to terms with the truth. "I just... I can't shake this feeling that I could have done something differently," you admitted, your voice choked with emotion.
Tommy gently lifted your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze. "You did everything you could," he said firmly. "Don't blame yourself for his mistakes."
You leaned into his embrace, finding solace in his words. In that moment, you knew that no matter how much you mourned Joel's loss, you would always have Tommy by your side, a beacon of light in the darkness of your grief.
"you're the only one left I have from that life"
"You're mine." He smiled as his eyes glistened "you're my sister and the best one Joel brought home'
You chuckled, trying not to break down into pieces in front of him. "I-he was the love of my life'
Tommy's expression softened, his gaze filled with a mixture of sadness and understanding. "I know," he said gently, his voice carrying the weight of shared loss.
All the memories you once braid alongside with Joel, engulfed in fire.
With Tommy's comforting presence beside you, you found the courage to speak the words that had been weighing heavily on your heart.
"It takes a lot of strength to do this, but... I forgive you," you whispered, your voice barely more than a breath, as your gaze to the photograph of Joel, his image frozen in time, a reminder of the man you had loved and lost. The ache in your chest persisted, but alongside it was a sense of release, a small flicker of peace amidst the storm of emotions.
The sun was shining brightly, casting a warm glow over the bustling suburban neighborhood. Children playing in the streets, and the sound of cars and laughing filled the air.
As you walk down the sidewalk, you see a house that you recognize instantly. The house you and Joel shared, the place where so many memories were made. Your heart aches with a longing so intense it nearly takes your breath away.
Pushing open the front door, you step inside and are greeted by the comforting vanilla smell of home. You hear voices coming from the kitchen and follow the sound, your steps quickened with anticipation.
When you reached the kitchen, you saw Joel standing at the stove, cooking breakfast with a smile on his face. He looked younger, his hair missed the grey you got used to, and Sarah was sitting at the table, her eyes sparkling with joy as she was talking with Joel. The sight of them together, so alive and happy, brought tears to your eyes.
Joel looked up and saw you standing in the doorway. "Hey, sweetheart," he says, his voice filled with warmth and love. "You're just in time for breakfast."
Sarah turns in her chair and grins at you. "Morning, Mom! Dad's making our favorite pancakes!"
The flood of emotions was overwhelming you couldn’t even breath. You took a step forward, tears streaming down your face as you struggle to find your voice. "Joel, Sarah," you whisper, your voice trembling.
Joel's smile faded the minute he saw the tears in your eyes. He stepped away from the stove and came to you, concern etched across his features. "What's wrong, honey?" he asks, his hands gently cupping your face. "Why are you crying?"
You tried to speak, but the words caught in your throat. You reached out and pull both Joel and Sarah into a tight embrace, holding them as if they might disappear at any moment. "I missed you so much," you sob, your heart breaking with the realization that this moment, as perfect as it is, can't last.
Joel looked at you, his brow furrowed with worry. "Missed us? What are you talking about? We're right here."
You pulled back slightly, looking into his eyes, trying to memorize every detail of his face. "I know," you whispered.
Sarah wrapped her arms around your waist, her voice soft and soothing. "It's okay, Mom. We're here now."
+++
a/n: I know that you possibly waited for another ending, but my mind ended up in different places. So, just to clarify I could never forgive the words or actions Joel did in this story but since the story was tragic, I tried to portray what it was like for them to navigate a world that went into pieces after the outbreak and how they lost themselves in it, how the reader despise what he did but still had that love for him in her because sometimes, evern when we get hurt by someone we may have a bad habit to reach out that person, and finally, I thought the dream was a tragic way to end the story, with the reader having her moment with the Joel and Sarah since she knew that she and the Joel she was in love with died that night too. However, he would end up dead from beginning so, sorry. I also added the new year eve party because you know how the spirits are during those days, like the hope and renewal that joel was waiting for but the reader no. I don't know if I did a good job, but still, bye, thanks for coming here 💌
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I tagged everyone who asked for part ii and some who read part one, sorry if I forgot someone, or if you want to be removed, you can tell me.
tags: @immyowndefender @persephone-girl @elliaze @ninasully @whirlwindrider29 @missladym1981 @negansbestie @hobiebrowns-wife @zpandaqueen @ilovetaquitosmmmm @midnightbabylon @southernbe @joeldjarin @hiroikegawa @nothingbutaspeckofdust
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller x y/n#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x f!reader#pedro pascal character fanfiction#joel miller series#the last of us fanfiction#joel miller#joel miller imagine#joel miller angst#tlou fanfiction#joel the last of us#joel x reader#Joel Miller#pedro pascal x reader#pedro pascal fanfiction#the last of us#pedro pascal imagine#pedro pascal
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424
All right, listen. It’s pretty damn funny that two weeks ago I posted all like, “oh I don’t really comment chapter-by-chapter, I’m waiting to see what happens next,” but this one broke me.
This chapter was everything I wanted for bkdk, and it’s so much more tender than I ever dreamed it could be.
This post is not going to be like most of my posts, because I am a flood of emotion. If you’re wanting some detailed, well-researched analysis of this scene, that ain’t coming for a while.
I don’t have some kind of comparative linguistics to show you. I just have my visceral reactions as someone who speaks Japanese and has absorbed Japanese media for many years. I have shared my heart with others in Japanese, I’ve sputtered out words between sobs and felt the many kinds of comfort different people try to offer. I have comforted others who let themselves be vulnerable with me.
In all these moments, just as in English, I wondered if my words and feelings reached them. Each time, I felt the warmth of connection when they looked at me, and I decided that they knew I did my best. They accepted me, even if it wasn’t perfect.
I’m gonna tell you the truth, and I wouldn’t normally say this so directly, but it matters to me: the fan translation for this specific scene is not good. The tone is wildly off in some ways and it outright omits a number of very important words.
The official translation gets so much of it right.
But that’s not really what I want to talk about right now. I want to talk about how people are reading this scene.
I have seen a ton of, frankly, oblivious interpretations of Izuku’s side of things.
Listen to me. Izuku is not making fun of Katsuki for crying, he is not telling Katsuki that crying isn’t like him, that isn’t in the text at all. He is not rejecting Katsuki’s feelings, or belittling them, or ignoring them, or any of that.
Izuku has seen Katsuki cry in-canon a number of times, but every time it was over his own personal failures, and the frustration, anger, guilt, and grief associated with them. We see it in the aftermath of Deku vs. Kacchan 1. We see it during Deku vs. Kacchan 2.
Izuku is shocked to see Kacchan cry because this is the first time he has cried for Izuku.
When Katsuki apologized in 322, he looked Izuku in the eye and told him his feelings with conviction and poise. He was gentle and vulnerable, but strong, because he was asking Izuku to trust them and rely on them. To come back with them and believe in them, like they believe in Izuku. He bowed his head to show his remorse. He caught Izuku when he fell, and he accepted Izuku’s own apology.
He embodied dignity, sincerity, and strength of character. He was a true hero.
This?
This is the raw, honest sorrow of a young boy. It is a tender, earnest, unguarded display of how much Izuku means to him.
These are the tears you shed for someone you cherish. These are tears for when you think you are losing something you can’t live without. Because Katsuki isn’t just crying for the loss of Izuku’s dream—it’s their dream, the future they dreamt up together as kids.
Izuku is almost pathologically incapable of understanding how other people see him and feel about him, but this is unmistakable. He is stunned because there is no other explanation.
There is unmitigated heartache and longing at the core of Katsuki saying, “I just thought somehow we would be together like this, competing and chasing after each other, forever.”
And Izuku is reeling, but so, so touched, and filled with fondness. Look at how his shock shifts to this overwhelmed, affectionate smile.
He’s right—this isn’t the usual Katsuki, and that is precisely why it means so much. We as the audience have been privy to Katsuki’s feelings, but until now Izuku himself has never really grasped the depth of them. This is all the tenderness Katsuki has kept locked up inside, and he is letting Izuku see it for the first time.
To see Kacchan—strong, fierce, and absolutely unstoppable—shed these innocent, helpless tears for him and tell him through sobs that he wanted things to stay this way forever, I can’t blame him for being blown away.
I think Izuku expected Katsuki to be shocked and a little sad that he gave up OFA, both for Izuku’s sake and because it is the legacy of their hero. Before Katsuki even starts crying, Izuku has this small smile on his face, like he was ready to reassure him that he had made peace with his own choice.
But he clearly didn’t expect for Katsuki to weep openly in front of him about it or to confess to wanting him by his side. Izuku had so enjoyed just being allowed near Katsuki, allowed in his life at all—to think that Katsuki could want the same and want it this much, to the point that he worries that things would change, that Izuku would abandon him or deny him? How could that ever be?
In what world could Izuku ever stop chasing Kacchan?
Izuku is a bit of an idiot. He has always thought that Katsuki understood how much he cared for and admired him—that’s why he is so shocked during DvK2 to hear that Katsuki thought he looked down on him for years. Izuku thought Katsuki understood his feelings and simply rejected them.
The way he loves Kacchan is natural and unquestionable. Even now, he can’t understand how Katsuki doesn’t know. It’s baffling to him.
But he still accepts Katsuki’s vulnerability and responds to the intimacy.
This is such an affectionate, loving thing to say. Izuku is being so sweet. I cannot convey to you strongly enough how Izuku telling Katsuki, “C’mon, stop it, this isn’t like you!” reaffirms their closeness.
If Izuku had not said this line and instead skipped straight to this nervous, awkward little attempt at comfort here:
It would have read as so much more distant.
With his tears and his confession, Katsuki pleads with Izuku to not leave him. To be with him always.
And in response, Izuku unabashedly stakes his claim on their bond by being bold enough to affectionately scold him and even assert authority on what kind of person Katsuki is. Remember these?
Chapters 202 and 319
This is such a staple in Japanese media for showing close bonds. Your loved ones know you. They tease you. They scold you. They have that right. You gave it to them.
The people you love cheer you up by reminding you that you’re strong and brave and that even if things feel hopeless and like you can’t go on, that they know you can. Everything will be okay, and they know so because they’ll be right there with you. Of course they’ll be there.
Symbolically, throughout the series, Izuku’s response to Katsuki trying to be closer to him has always been: “Of course.”
He has always accepted Katsuki as much as he is able to, as much as he had awareness for. He is wildly lacking in self-awareness, so it’s certainly not perfect, but by god does he try.
What Izuku is really saying is a mixture of “Really? You want that, too?” and “Don’t be silly!”
One part is him being shocked and touched; the other is him being absolutely certain of his own heart, and showing it as best he can.
He does get flustered and self-conscious, though—because it’s overwhelming to see Kacchan this way, and this is kind of new territory for them. So he switches tactics to reassure Kacchan about how things are now, and make sure he doesn’t feel embarrassed about this outburst. He still has the embers, so it’s okay for now. And their bodies are weak, so of course their heads will be in a bad place too, it’s easy to get low spirits. Of course Katsuki would be feeling vulnerable. It’s normal.
He gives Katsuki so many things here. He gives him as much as he can.
Izuku doesn’t know how long he’ll have the embers for and, frankly, he doesn’t have any guarantee that he will be able to satisfy this longing of Katsuki’s after he loses them. This, too, is a staple of promises in Japanese media: “I don’t know if I can satisfy you, but I want to try. I hope you can accept me.”
Things will be different—the future is always uncertain, now more than ever for their world. But what will never change is what they feel in their hearts.
After this scene, I honestly don’t care if we get something other people see as “bkdk canon.”
What Katsuki says is as good as a confession to me. What Izuku says in return is genuine and pure. This is a messy pair of teenage boys figuring out how to reach each other with words, when they have always been so damn bad at it. This is the two of them both reaching a new point of intimacy and reaffirming everything that came before.
#bkdk#bakudeku#mha 424#meta#mha spoilers#mha manga spoilers#I swear to god I will fight everyone#my heart is dying at the LACK OF APPRECIATION FOR WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE#some of us need to learn how to love Izuku the way Kacchan loves Izuku
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❥ being megumi's kindergarten teacher
warnings: fem! reader, teacher x single dad trope, BREEDING, rough sex, spanking, toji is a whore, not proofread at all (i wrote this while i was at work), toji is a decent father in this, megumi and tsumiki mentioned
MDNI | 18+ content
word count -> 628
i'll be so fr i do not like this but,,,whatever
The first thing Toji Fushiguro noticed about you was your hips. You were bent over your desk, shuffling through some children's drawings, trying to find Megumi’s from the day before. Tojo tried with all his might not to smack your ass, but his kid was watching. Gotta make a good impression, right?
Toji waited until Megumi ran off to play with his playgroup to hit on you; he was a good dad in that sense. He waited until your back was turned, hunching over your form with a smirk on his face. The heat from his breath tickled the baby hairs on your neck, his hands hovering just above your belly.
“I never knew Megumi had such a fine teacher,” he would purr in your ear, messy bangs hanging over his face. You’d blush and turn around, not expecting Toji to be that attractive. Tsumiki usually dropped Toji off, her class was just down the hall from Megumi’s. But damn, Mr. Fushiguro was fine as hell. You’d lecture him about how he was being entirely too inappropriate, fraternizing with his son’s teacher. But Toji remained smug as ever. Tsumiki never dropped Megumi off again after that day, it was just Toji.
His favorite part of the weekday was dropping Megumi off, walking over to you, and admiring how your face exploded in a bright red hue the second Toji opened his scarred lips, He loved seeing your modest skirt wrapped so perfectly around your hips, around your waist. How the turtleneck sweater you wore hugged your breasts so perfectly that it had to be intentional.
Every weekday, Toji would flirt with you. Whispering filth into your ear when the kids were distracted with their fingerpaintings. His large hand would grope the fat of your hips, squeezing them between his fingers while he inserted the most lewd ideas in your head. “I wonder how pretty you’d look bent over for me, hm?” he smirked, removing his hand from your hips as the first bell rang. “My place, Saturday, 10 PM. Don’t be late.”
And you were there right on time, wearing the sluttiest dress you had. Toji practically pounced on you, dragging you up the stairs of his townhouse and throwing you onto his messy bed. He instantly tore that dress off of you and that cute matching underwear set.
You’d yelp in surprise as his fingers plunged into you from behind, scissoring you open with ease. He’d pull his fingers out of your dripping core, shoving them inside your mouth for you to suck. He wouldn’t even wear a condom before pushing himself into your tight cunt, why would he? Wouldn’t you look so cute with another one of his babies in your belly? Tits full of milk for him and his brat?
Toji didn’t stop after his second orgasm, no sir. This motherfucker went seven rounds with you; seven fucking orgasms rippled through him as he filled you up once more from all different angles and areas of his townhouse. Bent over the kitchen counter, mating press on the living room floor, riding him on the couch while the TV played. Toji didn’t care how overstimulated you were, you were his. And you were gonna belong to him even more as soon as he knocked you up.
Of course, you went to work the following Monday, insisting on not sitting down because it’s ‘important for the students to see an adult not being lazy.’ When in reality, your ass stung so much from Toji’s spanks that it was painful to sit for long durations of time. Every fucking morning and afternoon that week, Toji flashed you his usual shit-eating grin because he knew you would come crawling back to him, begging to be fucked stupid once more.
#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader#toji fushiguro#toji x reader#toji smut#toji fushigro x reader#toji fushiguro smut
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Greedy
Pairing: Donquixote "Corazón" Rosinante x Fem!Reader
Rating: EXPLICIT (18+), MDNI!
Summary: Rosinante never knew he could be so greedy until he met you.
Warnings: SMUT! Established Relationship, Pining, Fingering, Cunnilingus, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation
Rosinante once thought greed was not in his nature.
He had grown up on scraps, shoving half-bitten fruit and moldering meat into his mouth faster than he could draw breath, uncertain of when his next meal would be. He had lived in the dark alleyways and decrepit homes of strangers lost to history, thankful that the day had not been his last. Even as he lay shivering and sick, he found solace in the fact that a bullet had not found him, nor the punishing hands of those who wished to spill his celestial blood.
His desires had always been reasonable. Food to sustain him. A temporary place to lay his head. A way to escape his callous brother. Rosinante only ever wished for what he needed, never what he wanted…until he met you.
It’s strange. If Rosinante tries to think back on it, he can’t quite pinpoint when you become so precious to him.Your paths had crossed serendipitously one day, when he had slipped away from Doflamingo and his insufferable company to draft reports for Sengoku. Rosinante found shelter in your humble tavern, a simple little thing at the edge of town—far enough from the Don Quixote family’s current headquarters to allow him a moment of respite.
You had been cautious in the beginning, aware of how dangerous members of the Don Quixote family were, especially when provoked, but with each visit, you began to shift before Rosinante’s eyes. Your clipped words had turned into full sentences, soft inquiries. Your quick retreat to the kitchen whenever he appeared had stopped. Gradually, you both began to thaw, finding comfort in the other’s presence and soon Rosinante was escaping to your homely tavern regardless of if he had reports to draft or not.
There was a softness in your gaze that captivated him—a pretty lilt to your laughter that was so different from the cruel humor of his brother’s underlyings.
Maybe that was when his heart first stirred, the moment you laughed while helping put out the flames that slowly spread across his feathered coat. There was no deprecation, none of the censuring he had come to expect. You had been kind, and Rosinante had not realized how long he had been denied such a simple act—how much his heart secretly craved it.
And in turn, he began to crave you.
“Rosi—”
The breathless call of his name rips Rosinante from his recollections.
He blinks, forcing the fog in his mind away until the image of you beneath him becomes clear again, and he wonders how he had allowed himself to get distracted in the first place.
“Hm?” he hums softly, tilting his head to the side as his eyes sweep over your face.
You’re a lovely mess beneath him. Beautiful. The thought finds him every time he sees you, and yet it still feels like a revelation. Your long lashes flutter as you meet his gaze, your bottom lip trembles, looking so inviting. It takes everything in Rosinante not to dip down and kiss you senseless.
He could…but then he wouldn’t be able to see the lovely expressions you make as he continues to work you with his slender fingers. The pinch of your brows, the way your lips part when you let out a sultry sound that strokes the flames of his desire.
Rosinante wants to kiss you, but he thumbs your clit instead, earning another sweet moan that makes his dick strain painfully against his slacks.
“I-I’m gonna come—” you whine as you buck your hips, making his deft fingers plunge deeper into your needy cunt, and oh god he feels it again, the way your walls hug whatever they can get a hold of just before you tip over the edge.
Rosinante has already coaxed one orgasm out of you tonight, but he wants another—wants to watch your pretty eyes roll in the back of your head and that brilliant mind of yours go dumb with pleasure. There isn’t a prettier sight in the world, and it’s enough to get him off, watching you come undone.
“Come baby, please fucking come…” he rasps, his voice almost unrecognizable to himself.
Rosinante quickens his pace, fucking you with his fingers while your walls clench around them, trying to keep his long digits where you need him most. His thumb rubs torturous circles against your swollen clit—faster and faster while sweet supplication spills from his lips.
This is worship after all, isn’t it?
The wrecked whimper you let out is like music to his ears, and Rosinante fucking groans when he feels you coat his fingers with your sweet release. He watches as if caught in a spell at the way you shake through your second orgasm. The sight alone makes Rosinante’s resolve shatter. He leans down, slanting his lips over yours, swallowing those pretty cries as you shake through the pleasure that washes through you.
Rosinante wastes time he doesn’t have kissing you, tasting the inside of your mouth and stealing the air from your lungs. Doflamingo will wonder where his little brother has run off to, but Rosinante can’t will himself to part from you. Not when you’re a lovely, boneless wreck below him.
Not when he still wants more.
Rosinante reluctantly withdraws his fingers from your slippery hole just as he pulls away from your lips with a sigh. He blinks, his heavy gaze finding yours once again. You look a little dazed, like you're still coming down from your high. Rosinante can’t help the way his lips curve into a soft smile, or the way he whispers soft praise against your skin with each tender kiss.
“One more…just one more sweetheart,” he murmurs, slowly trailing his lips down your body. The taste of salt and something sweet linger on his tongue, making him tremble with anticipation as he steadily reaches his destination.
Rosinante makes an appreciative noise at the sight of the mess he’s made of your pretty pussy—the slow drip of your slick like honey, the way it smears your thighs and stains your sheets. He can practically feel his mouth watering, his mind going dizzy with lust.
Rosinante doesn’t realize he’s leaning in until he feels your trembling fingers thread through his hair, gently yanking at his blond curls. He stills, before glancing up at you with an inquisitive look.
“What…about you?” your question is a tired mumble, barely audible.
Oh, you’re so sweet, even when you’re worked to your limit, hardly tethered to the waking world. It makes the warmth in Rosinante’s chest spread like a wildfire.
His eyes never leave yours, not even as he slowly lowers back down to your needy cunt.
“This is for me.”
You let out a broken cry the moment his tongue slips between your folds. Rosinante knows it’s too much, that you’re still reeling from your last release, but he’s too far gone—craves you like a drowning man craves air.
This is the greed you inspire in him—this unshakable desire to take everything he wants. It would terrify him if you weren’t so eager and willing.
Rosinante laps at your sweetness like a man starved. He fucks his tongue into you, licking away the evidence of your last release to prepare for the one you’ll soon give him. He knows it won’t be long now. You’re already a sobbing mess, so needy and sensitive.
“Ohgod—Rosi I can’t—” your words die out, replaced by a pathetic moan.
“You can…” Rosinante gasps, reluctantly pulling away from your pussy to give you a moment of relief. “Sweet girl, I know you can.”
And he knows just how to prove it.
Rosinante leans back down, fixing your sopping pussy with an appraising glance before he wraps his mouth around your sensitive clit. He lets his talented tongue glide over the nub, teasing it until your nails dig painfully into his scalp.
You’re close, so so close. Rosinante knows you’re teetering over the edge, nearly on the brink of ecstasy. The idea alone makes his dick twitch in his trousers, ready to burst along with you.
Rosinante grinds against the bed, chasing a sliver of friction against his throbbing cock. He’s right there with you, hanging on by a thread.
Let go, he hears a voice in his head whisper.
Let go. Let go. Let go.
Rosinante sucks on your clit hard and you’re gone, thrashing and bucking your hips—chasing your release with his mouth as a jumbled mix of his name and a curse spill from your lips.
Rosinante chases his own release, grinding his clothed cock against the mattress until he’s spilling into his slacks with a broken sob. You both gasp and quiver, feeling the delicious traces of your climax as you slowly settle from your high.
Rosinante sighs contentedly, gently nuzzling your thigh. It would be so easy for him to just stay here with you, to make a home in your too-small bed and leave his brother and his mission behind. It would be nice, not having to live in fear of Doffy uncovering the truth behind his sudden return—to think there’s a life left for him at the end of all this, even if Rosinante can’t picture it.
He wants that. God, he wants it so bad it hurts. Rosinante allows himself to dream, lets his mind conjure possibilities and perfect endings…but he still lifts from your mattress, cleans away the evidence of your shared desire, and begrudgingly staggers out of your tavern.
The taste of you lingers on his tongue, and Rosinante finds solace in it as he slowly trudges through town.
Maybe one day this will all be over and he’ll get to stay by your side.
It’s a pretty thought, even if it is only a dream.
divider credit: cafekitsune
#sunny.fic#rosinante x reader#donquixote rosinante x reader#rosinante x you#corazon x reader#corazon x you#x reader
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— TXT AND THEIR RED FLAGS !!
ᥫ᭡ yeonjun - COMMITMENT ISSUES
you were well aware of his commitment issues when your relationship first began. all the signs where there but you stayed because you were so convinced you could change him. you were so convinced that you were different to him. you were convinced you were the missing piece he needed. yet here you are crying on your living room floor hugging your knees to your chest wondering where it all went wrong.
yeonjun didn't mean to hurt your feelings at all. the relationship was getting too real, he needed out and quick. you were his best friend, you were well aware of his tendencies, you should understand. or well at least that’s what he keeps telling himself.
it wasn’t the hugs. it wasn’t the kisses. it wasn’t the cuddles. you weren’t the problem. he was. he is the problem.
it was the way he would look at you. it was the way he would kiss you. it was the way his heart would beat out of his chest whenever you were next to him. it was the small smiles he would send your way. it was the way he would always subconsciously reach out for your hand wanting to hold it. it was the way his heart would ache when you weren't near him. it was the way an ‘i love you’ almost slipped out of his lips while you giggled and kissed his nose. that’s when he became hyperaware of what was happening. he was scared. he was terrified of the way you made him feel. he needed an out and needed it now.
the sad thing is you will never know how he truly felt about you. in your eyes, he was your best friend who just wanted to mess around with you. in your eyes, yeonjun got bored of you. and yeonjun was okay with that. yeonjun was okay with you despising him because in the end he saved himself from heartbreak. right?
ᥫ᭡ soobin - TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED
it's not that soobin does it on purpose. he really doesn't and you know that but that doesn't make it hurt any less. you know he loves you because he shows it every opportunity he can when he's with you. but that's the thing, he only shows you when he's with you. as soon as you're not physically there with him, he lacks the motivation to plan out dates or to simply respond to your texts. he knows he should do better and he constantly keeps telling himself he will but he also keeps letting it slide.
you let a small sigh leave your lips as you moved your blurry vision to look down at your hands. there wasn’t much sound other than the small clock ticking in the distance constantly reminding you that you we're alone and that soobin wasn’t besides you. it was like it was purposely mocking you, reminding you of yet another failed date.
hearing your phone's notification sound, you immediately reach out for your phone. excitement flowing through your veins whenever you see soobin’s name on your screen. with a small smile you immediately click on the message thinking he was just letting you know he was on his way; instead, you were met with a half assed apology and him letting you know he will be sleeping at the dorms tonight to spend some time with the boys. you roll your eyes at his last sentence. “i’ll make it up for you,” that’s what he always says.
sighing you shake your head as you ask the waiter for the bill. feeling numb, you make your way towards the exit and head home. as you unlock the door, you kick off your shoes and head over to your room to change. you don't know why you're so upset, it's not the first time soobin does something like this and truly it won't be the last.
with tears in eyes, you grab your phone deciding to call soobin. you let out a broken sob when you're met with the answering machine. of course he didn't pick up. silly yn, did you forget he's too busy with his friends right now?
ᥫ᭡ beomgyu - EMBARRASSES YOU IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS
it wasn't that you couldn't handle a joke or two. you love joking around with your boyfriend. you know he doesn't mean the jokes he's saying; but, it's just a whole other story when your boyfriend keeps making jokes about you and in front of his friends.
you swear your ears start ringing when you hear your boyfriend poke fun at yet another one of your habits.
"wait, they actually do do that! look at them," taehyun pointed out causing everyone's attention to shift towards you.
"see, i told you guys!" beomgyu laughs even harder. with a frown on your face, you look up at the boys as they all continue to laugh at beomgyu's comments. standing up, you quickly excuse yourself and make way towards the restroom. fighting back the tears threatening to spill, you quickly open the door and lock it behind you.
"babe?" beomgyu knocks a few minutes after you go in. he had clearly taken notice that you were upset earlier but decided to brush it off, not wanting to cause a scene. "babe, c'mon it was just a joke," beomgyu added letting out a sigh as he jiggled the door handle.
"beomgyu, you always say that," you mumble as you open the door, wanting to talk things out with him. feeling guilty, beomgyu brings a hand up to the back of his neck and shakes his head.
"i'm sorry, I took it too far." beomgyu sighs, bringing his hand down to caress your cheek. "it won't happen again," he gives your lips a small peck before grabbing your hand and leading you back towards the living room.
you try your best to not overthink it yet you can't help but sadly smile at him as your thoughts keep telling you that he will in fact do this again. he's done it multiple times before and always tells you the same thing over and over again. he means it this time, you keep repeating to yourself trying to shake those thoughts away but really, there's no point.
ᥫ᭡ taehyun - NOT COMMUNICATING
you couldn't read taehyun at times and that honestly terrified you. especially when you would try and get him to open up to you and he simply wouldn't budge. you never understood why but to taehyun he just doesn't want to appear vulnerable. he doesn't know how to communicate and express his emotions. so instead of trying to, he simply shuts them out. he's doing you a favor, it's what he reasons to himself.
"taehyun, are you even listening to me?" you let out a sigh watching as your boyfriend just stares at you waiting for you to finish yelling at him. with no facial expression, he simply nods his head at you, silently encouraging you to continue.
"jesus christ," you let out a bitter laugh. "at least pretend to care." you quickly add at the end, wanting a reaction out of him.
"i do care about you," taehyun sternly responds back confused on where this is all coming from.
"taehyun, you disappear for days without letting me know. sometimes you don't even answer my texts-"
"i'm just busy."
"that's the thing, taehyun. how am I supposed to know? you don't tell me anything. would it kill you tell me know in advance?" you whisper out, angrily wiping your tears away.
not knowing how to respond, taehyun just stands there watching you cry. god did he do that? he was left speechless. he never meant to hurt you. he didn't even realize he was hurting you.
opening his mouth to try and comfort you, you shake your head at him. "don't." you say as you grab your keys and walk away, leaving him behind.
"please follow me, please follow me." you silently whisper to yourself as you walk out the door. hesitantly looking back, you don't see him trailing behind you and feel the tears threatening to spill once more.
ᥫ᭡ huening kai - IGNORES YOUR FEELINGS
kai's an amazing boyfriend. you would even go as far as to say he's the best boyfriend you've ever had. he's an absolute saint and you know he always means well but sometimes all you want from your boyfriend is to console you but you never get that.
you remember the first time it happened. you were in your room laying down, fighting back tears. kai was supposed to come over and you couldn't wait, especially since you had a shitty day at work today. not to mention, you had a group project that was due this weekend and your group members have yet to complete their sections. hearing the front door opening, you immediately run out to see your boyfriend.
"kai," you mumble while looking up at him with teary eyes. not knowing what to do, kai awkwardly laughs before showing you the packets of ramen in his hands.
"ramen?" kai asked as he kissed your forehead before making way to the kitchen to make you some food. pouting, you followed behind him waiting for him to pay attention to you. all you wanted was for your boyfriend to ask what was wrong so you could rant to him about it. instead, you were met with your boyfriend cooking ramen and asking you if you saw the new netflix show everyone was raving out about.
you let it slide that time, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. ever since that day, you've noticed that every time you seem upset about a certain situation or you look troubled, he avoids mentioning it. kai thinks of different topics to talk about or simply doesn't acknowledge the situation. in your eyes, he doesn't care enough to hear about the details but in his eyes he believes he's doing you a favor.
fast forward to now, and here you were in your room stressed out about yet another assignment. all you wanted and craved was for kai to tell you everything was going to be alright and to let you cry on his shoulder. deciding to call him, you greet him with a shaky high pitched voice ready to tell him everything. at the sound of your shaky voice, kai's eyes grow wide and he finds himself thinking of different topics to help distract you and make you feel better. you let out a small cry as he continues rambling on about what he did with the boys today. why couldn't he listen to you for just once?
#not really proof read don’t jump me 😞#yeonjun imagines#txt imagines#soobin imagines#beomgyu imagines#taehyun imagines#hueningkai imagines#txt angst#txt x reader#yeonjun angst#soobin angst#beomgyu angst#taehyun angst#hueningkai angst#txt imagine#txt scenarios#txt scenario#yeonjun imagine#soobin imagine#beomgyu imagine#taehyun imagine#hueningkai imagine
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You've mentioned that Sebastian a a very powerful demon and that Charlotte is the first of her kind. This makes me wonder whar exactly is Sebastian's position in Hell and what are its denizens reaction to his husband and child? Do they cause trouble? Do they keep away out of fear? Love your AU to pieces!
Hiiii Anon! Thank you so much for liking this AU! And sorry for the late reply!
Well, since Hell isn't exactly like human's society, it's hard to equate. But if I have to compare, I'd say that he's like an Arch Duke or a Marquess in Hell.
Oh, Hell doesn't take kindly to the news of Sebastian's progeny being carried by a human pleb. It's a shame to its denizens. To fool around with human and use them for all sorts of pleasures, sure. But for someone so strong to sire a child with such weakling, a hybrid at that, it's unspeakable abomination!
They tried many times to attack and end both Ciel and the child's life. If Ciel thought he had a huge target on his back before being the young Earl Phantomhive and the Queen's watchdog, that was nothing compared to this... Hell and heaven both out for his blood. But of course, Sebastian handled them all; absorbed all his brethren into the endless shadows of his being with such ferocity never seen before in the ancient entity. Eventually, Morning Star understand that Sebastian was not relenting his protection on the boy and his hybrid child, and wanting to see how this hybrid might survive, maybe even disturb the set order of the universe, he ordered the demonic legions to stand down.
But that doesn't means all is well for Butler and Earl. There's yet another struggle they're faced with; this one isn't so easy to deal with by force.
As I have said before, the demon fetus, with its demonic appetite feasting on human life force, is nothing short of a parasite. The reason Ciel was still alive was because the fetus needs him. The moment it’s no longer reliant on its host, it will kill Ciel. As such, at the beginning of the pregnancy, Sebastian wanted to remove the thing,(he'll even do it without Ciel's consent, just to see him live a bit longer, despite knowing Ciel will hate him). But Ciel saw through him and ordered Sebastian to protect them both. Sebastian could only obey. But he hated that parasite and was struggling to come to terms with the fact that Ciel’s already short human life (and their time together) is cut even shorter still because of this thing. And Ciel won’t let Sebastian save him, just because it’s theirs. Just because it’s his. Human are so different from Demons like that.
For the first time in eons of existence, Sebastian learned to mourn. And what a weird thing that was, when Ciel is still right here. But the end is nigh and it’s inevitable.
Sebastian is unsure whether he could ever come to love a thing that would take Ciel away from him. But Ciel is confident that he could, and he would. It’s their child after all.
#Kuroshitsuji#black butler#au#mpreg#family au#Charlotte Phantomhive#ciel Phantomhive#sebastian michaelis#sebasciel#sebaciel#ask#anon#art#my arts#angst
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persist and resist (but still, fail) ➵ sung hanbin
sung hanbin x reader
all it takes is one phone call for you to realize what you could’ve had with hanbin
genre/warnings ➵ angst, almost lovers, long-distance but not-in-a-relationship, unspoken words/hidden signals, a lot of wondering of what could’ve been
word count ➵ 728 words
inspired by ➵ “the 1” by taylor swift, that one skype call in “past lives”
a/n ➵ this drabble is very reminiscent of an upcoming fic i have which will have a hanbin version entitled “finger trapped (ripped to its seams)” but its taking a bit to pump out (and i’m very much in my feelings as we speak…) so bear with me and enjoy this drabble for now :33 do reblog and leave feedback!!
want to be part of my taglist? send me an ask!
masterlist
it’s quiet uptown. as you smell the winter air, frozen kisses graze your cheeks. sounds of cars have been replaced with the buzzing of lamposts and flakes have taken raindrops’ role. on the snow-piled balcony, you hear the wood crackle behind you.
yet, warmth is stored in the voice on the other line.
“so, what’s it like there?” the rasp that accompanies hanbin’s words remind you of the time zone difference between you two. while it may be crack of dawn in korea, night has fallen at where you stand.
“you’ve asked that question how many times in this call.” a giggle leaves you. “you’re making me think that you never listen.”
a soft hum leaves him. “you know that’s not true.” your fingers grip on the blanket draped on your shoulders. “what are you up to?”
“damn, not even letting me answer the thousand questions you seem to have for me.”
“sorry,” he chuckles, “just never hear from you.”
for a moment, all you can do is sniffle.
“it’s quiet here. everyone’s off to see their families.” your hand reaches out to rail, writing the characters of his name on the snow, as you bask in the stillness of the town. “i like it like this.”
“like it like what?”
“when it’s not busy. it’s only during the winter time when you’ll barely hear a horn or chatter.” a smile makes its way to your lips. “kind of like when we’d sneak into school during the summer time.”
heat waves would do their best to tie you down then, draining you of any energy to enjoy the wonders of summer, but you and hanbin were drawn to adventures. while there would be trips to the mart to grab the familiar taste of chocolate popsicles or the playground you’ve bruised your knees at, the school seemed to call on your names. the empty hallways whispered the narratives of students who came before you two—you were certain that yours and hanbin’s story would be told, as well.
“god, i can’t believe we had so much time to waste then,” hanbin admits over the memory. only a hum leaves you. “i miss it.”
a beat passes.
“yeah, me too.” the whisper barely leaves you.
there’s a life in korea that you’ve lost—the quiet exchange of laughter during classes, the smell of fresh kkwabaegi fresh from the fryer, and the nights spent stargazing.
but in the life you have now—in the stillness of your room during midnights, the rush hours of your commute, the conservations you have with the locals—you can’t help but wonder, wonder, wonder.
would you be in a 9-to-5 job at a corporate workplace or performing at sold-out venues? would you wake up early in the morning to bake or would you sleep in the comfort of your own bed? or would you go back to school and dive into the niche topics you’ve always wanted to explore?
but would you live alone in a different part of korea or travel around the world with him? would you wake up to the smell of freshly-cooked pancakes or microwaved fried rice from the night before? or would he latch to your body that’s reached the highest degrees, or make him soup during flu season? (he’s always had a weak immune system. did that change?)
there’s a life in korea that you long for—and there’s a person that you’ve lost. if things were only different, maybe you’d have him for many orbits around the sun.
did he ever think of a life you two could’ve had?
“hey, i have to go,” you say.
“oh,” hanbin’s tone is laced with disappointment, “okay.”
for a moment, not a word is exchanged between you two.
“talk soon?” his question takes you by surprise.
you would’ve loved to agree—yes! i’ll make sure to come visit—but you only smile to yourself with held back tears.
“bye, hanbin.”
that was enough of an answer for him. “okay. bye.”
the call drops. the warmth that your phone held has disappeared. while it makes sense to retreat back into your flat, bask in the heat emitting from the fireplace and read the words of sylvia plath, you remain standing on the snow-piled balcony.
it didn’t matter what you two could’ve had. it didn’t matter if he wondered the same things.
but it could’ve been him—that’s all you know.
taglist ➵ @kflixnet @blankjournal
#works of moni#kflixnet#bjnet#k-labels#zerobaseone#zb1#zb1 x reader#zb1 imagines#zb1 angst#zb1 fluff#sung hanbin#sung habin fluff#sung hanbin angst#sung hanbin x reader#sung hanbin imagines
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author's note
first time using tumblr, this account has been untouched for a while. I'm sorry for any mistakes (typos or anything else) and hello!! :D
this idea was supposed to be for a fic (vibrant ribbons weave astral reverie) but I scrapped it since it was too much, so this is a snippet
lookism! jake kim x reader as seperated childhood friends. reader is an aspiring tailor.
more under the wubbaboo!!
Jake Kim wondered what else changed in the time you were apart. He used to be your partner, your ride and die. Now, after so many years of seperation, you are different.
Of course you are, you've matured and gone through puberty. You've graduated high school while he dropped out, and chased your ambitions while he was rooted in Big Deal. The two of you lived very different lives, and somehow— no matter how close he is to you physically, the gaping distance is always there. In his heart, he is always a step away from you.
"Jake."
Maybe you'll have to part ways again one day. Criminal life is very dangerous, and he would rather not have you involved in any fights.
"Jake?"
Or maybe you'll grow too big for his little and humble street. He's sure you'll reach great heights and he looks forward to the day you'll stand on a grand stage. A stage grander than he can imagine.
"Jake!"
"Ow!"
He winced, face crinkling as his hand unwittingly travelled up to his face. From beside him, he could see you staring at him with your arms crossed over your chest, very much unamused. Instantly, the leader pieced together that you had probably pinched his cheek to snap him out of his stupor, "What was that for?"
"I've been calling your name for a while." You sighed, "What we're you thinking about?"
"Oh, you know. . ." Jake trailed off, he's not sure how to tell you about the thoughts rampant in his mind, so he settled for a question instead, "[Name], since when did you pick up archery?"
Oh, you realised, bringing up your bandaged fingers and palms, glancing over your hands swiftly, he was concerned.
The words that fall out of your lips are slow— and Jake realised you were unravelling an old, old, hidden wound, ". . . Out of my own frustration, I ran away from my mentors once."
"I was alone and young so a few people came up to me. Although I managed to escape in the end, I promised hat I would never let something like that happen to myself again." You huffed through your nose, "I had to start somewhere and my mentor just so happen to have a bow."
". . . I'm sorry." If he was there, a part of your life instead of living in bloodshed and chasing dirty money that did nothing to save his own predecessor, he would have ran away with you. Yet he was not there, and he can't take the wounds on your hands or your invisible battles away, "Sorry."
"Hm? What are you apologizing for now? Did you accidentally ruin my mannequins again?" Even you didn't know how he did it that one time, but he did.
His reply was instant, eyes wide and dumbfounded, "No!"
"You broke my belongings when we were children too. Then you'd come to me apologizing with that wide-eyed, kicked puppy look on your face." You stared at this face, holding back a laugh with a sigh, "Exactly like that face you're making now. Some things never change."
Jake blinked, once, twice— and just like that he was smiling along with you, "Do you still like the cookies I gave you?"
Gave you after everytime he kicked you in his sleep, kept you up with his snores and unintentionally roughhoused your items, he meant. Of course, like a good elder (of one year) and role model, he'd give Jerry some too.
"Those peanut cookies you received from Uncle Jinyoung and gave Jerry and I as an apology?" There was a nervous chuckle, "Yes, why bring it up?"
"I wanted to know." The beaming gleam in his eyes gave his simple answer away, "That's all."
And two days later, Jerry handed you a bunch of deformed peanut cookies, "Boss Jake wanted to give this to you personally, but he's stuck in his office."
"Well, drag him out." You took the package, and walked pass the second-hand. From what you could tell the cookies were homemade, with plenty of effort and struggle and not much success— though it probably wouldn't taste good, it makes your heart feel warm even in the chilly wind. With a huff, you turned to your friend, "Jerry, let's bother him for old times' sake."
"Please go ahead, Boss Jake is in his office now." And though Jerry is very much against bothering his boss, he can't find it in him to stop you, especially when he knows you'll never actually be a bother his boss. True to his thoughts, Jake's face lit up when he sees you.
"There you go again. Were you waiting for me to come?" So perhaps Jake was hoping you would barge into his office, like you barged into his life many years ago. You sat down next to Jake, placing the pouch of cookies down, "I received the goods—"
"You make it sound like I'm dealing drugs."
"— thank you."
A light remark, perhaps a bit teasing, "Can I have some?"
A pointed look without heat, "After you finish your paperwork."
"[Name]." He called out to you after moments of silence, "Hm? What is it?"
His expression was warm, tainted by overflowing affection, and whisper gentle, like a muted memory of a lullaby, "Thanks for coming."
The person in front of you is no longer the not-so-little bratty menace with chubby cheeks, he has grown beyond your expectations. In the future, the both of you surely continue to change, for good or bad, no one knows. But you (the no-nonsense peanut cookie muncher) are still the same person crafted by your childhood together, and he will surely have many more moments together with you. And those too, will be just as precious as the old stories that shine in his memories.
In the little office, so that he may witness the rest of your life, Jake weaved your name into his heart.
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The king's dead (long live the king) - Masterpost
In this post I'll be updating everything I have on this AU. The tag will be "Eldritch Ghost King!Danny" if you want to search my blog!
It was a big project I wanted to challenge myself with, with crazy lore and worldbuilding, with a lot of exploration of eldritchness and angst. But I just got absorbed by DPxDC crossover, saw my niche in writing romance, got obsessed with Jason and Jazz and the rest is history.
I feel it's a crime none of this will probably see the light of day, so. Here. Chaotic mode it is. Fish my posts boy. I will post sporadically about this AU. You have been warned.
If someone wants to take anything from the lore or ideas, you are welcome to! Tag me so I can check it out!
Also I'm down for discussing AU with people 👀✨
What is this fic about?
This was supposed to be my magnum opus. It's the "main" fic in my AO3 series You and me and our best friends make three. So far the series has side stories or one shots located in different moments of the story. The main fic was supposed to tell the full story on how it happened, how we ended up here.
Back in 2021, when I went down the rabbit hole with Danny Phantom, I envisioned a neat AU where Danny was this eldritch ghost king... with a twist.
I love eldritch Danny (those who know me can confirm) but I wanted to explore something I haven't seen a lot even in the angst torture-vivisection saturated market of this 20 year old fandom:
What if the Ghost King is not power, but a sacrifice?
What if it is not known that the Ghost King is actually the host of a powerful entity (I called it The Whisper, because it talks in your mind in whispers) who is always hungry. Always. Hungry. And if it doesn't have a host will eat all the Infinite Realms then the Living World.
The Ghost King makes a pact with the Whisper. The King can tap into the ectoplasm, the energy, of every creature, object, city, etc. in the Realms and convert that energy into food for the Whisper.
But nobody knows this. Is a secret shared from King to King, and you only find out after accepting the crown.
Why would you refuse? Is the King, it's an honor, is power, is greatness. Who would deny the Whisper its food?
Only one managed to sever the connection.
His name was Pariah Dark.
He went insane.
What is The Whisper?
Basically this ⬆
Is a cosmic entity that was stranded on Earth a loooong time ago. It created the Infinite Realms with its flesh and blood (ectoplasm) and all ectoplasmic creatures come from it.
But its hungry.
-----
Posted chunks of story so far and their order in the timeline:
Act I:
Desired - Danny meets the Core for the first time
Ceremony - Danny is crowned King
Party like you are dead - the Ghost King invites all of Amity Park to his castle. Reveals all around.
Act II:
Never judge a book by its cover (dpxdc crossover)(my very first dpxdc work!) - Justice League summons the Ghost King to help deal with an eldritch creature. What they get may be a worse monster
Hidden identities? Never heard of them (dpxdc crossover) - direct sequel to the previous part. Batman and some of the colony go to Amity to investigate. They catch glimpses of horrors that they can't help but wonder
Remedy (+18!!!)(my very first DP fanfic!) - self indulgent Porn Without Plot in this universe. Placed in a distant future where everything is fine
Race ya! - funny haha thing set a bit after Remedy
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You’re the resident chilchuck expert, so I was wondering about it there’s any canon evidence that he did smoke or drink alcohol when the kids were younger. I always thought it was something he picked up due to the strain of long jobs, when the kids were already older, but you seem to think differently and I was wondering if there was anything in canon that made you think that way!
Now that you mention it I guess it’s true there’s no evidence he did. Smoking we literally only know he does at all because of one post-canon panel where he has a pipe, so no, maybe this stick-looking thing in the panel below too though, I’m not familiar with medieval blunts eh.
We’ve only gotten one panel of him and his daughters interacting when he was younger so that’s not too insightful on that end, and every time we see him young and freckled it’s in a job context so again not really where we’d expect him to be drinking. The earliest proof (/heavy implication since we don’t see inside his cup I guess) is 3 years before canon when Laios hired him, where he’s at a bar, classily placed in front of all the bottles ✨
Yes alcohol is almost certainly a way through which he copes especially with stress, so if we go with the theory he started around when work got stressful, well… Chilchuck started working as a dungeon diver ~10 years ago so when he was ~19, making Mei, Fler and Puck ~6 and ~4 respectively, so from that draw the ‘stressful enough to start drinking’ line wherever.
We don’t know what he did before that with any certainty, and it could be he did odd jobs, lived off mostly mutual aid and community work, or just focused on only raising the girls. Half-foots tend to be poor and I see a lot of that in Chilchuck specifically so I don’t think he could have afforded to not have some paying work though.
Alright, so then why do I think he did drink when the girls were younger?
I give a more complete rundown of the info we do have on his alcoholism & his family with panels and references + all the speculation I make from it here. But the most targeted and objective answer I can give is:
Of course there’s just very very little we know of Chilchuck’s life with his family, and I think that’s by design too. I think the details being up in the air is to allow more nuance of the topic, like, will trying to reconcile go well, is their relationship salvageable? We don’t know, because we don’t know. So the message of giving hope a chance even if it’s a long shot, that things could truly go either way, is more relevant, impactful and meta in that way.
How long was he usually away for work travels into dungeons here and there? How did he act with them? All we can really do is "it’s likely that", it’s a game of which way we think it’s more implied. There’s no right and wrong answer, it’s all Marcille-like larping the events out.
My main reason for thinking he did is that his father died from overdrinking and Chilchuck is very aware of that. He mentions his death casually in the extra about their stance in alcohol and in his Adventurer’s Bible profile, etc. He acts towards the alcohol presumably the same way his father did: with abandon, uncaring for the health effects, probably happily too considering Chil says "dying doing something you love is a good way to go". Very nonchalant.
So you see what I’m saying here right, wether he started early or late, his view of alcoholism is very influenced by what he saw of his father growing up, it’s something he’s always been aware of and saw in a mostly positive light, something that was inherited you could say. It’s something that was normalized to him from a young age. Regardless or where it goes from there I do think this part is pretty inarguable.
If he views it positively and we know that in the present alcohol is his favorite food that he loveees, why would he have held out on it? Personally that all makes me think he started drinking very young, especially since I don’t think they limited alcohol to age as much as modern standards (and I mean, teen drinking is obviously still a thing).
And here you could argue, maybe his father only started being more alcoholic later when Chilchuck moved out, or something! And to that there’s nothing I can say except I think that’s a strained theory, and that Chil might even have largely cut contact with his family after moving out (since he and siblings are listed as almost strangers and he doesn’t seem to have much emotional attachment to his parents, but also we know he rents out his place to "a relative"), but it’s true we have no evidence. "I’ve picked up the same unhealthy substance abuse as my father haha! No big deal right haha" repeated several times to me just reeks of intergenerational trauma, & the alcoholism gene as they call it. Like effortless sliding into drinking as if it’s second nature, it’s natural after all, it’s normal after all, it just makes sense, it makes you feel good and that’s what matters.
BUT from my interpretation then we have a whole other layer: Alcohol is of course not all bad always. I think he’s always liked alcohol and drank it on occasion and it brought him joy etc etc, but I think here the implication in the question is, how much effect did his drinking have on the family relations and how early? And that isn’t so much about when him drinking started but when the alcoholism started.
Addiction is defined by a habitual need, that has negative effects from filling that need (physical, psychological, social, etc) and negative effects from withdrawal. If Chilchuck drinks to cope and he can’t not cope without it, that’s addiction, if it affects his relationships, if it’s a need he has, it’s addiction. Addiction can be very insidious or look very casual, and how much people around the person are affected by it is case by case. Cheerful drunks can be sooo annoying and uncomfortable though let me tell you. Drunks are drunks. And this sounds harsh, but even if people around them don’t mind drunks it’ll still have some effects here and there, living with one can be such a challenge, ily drunks good luck with everything much like Chilchuck you deserve good things 🫡
Ok so with the dad thing and the "ok well maybe he’s always drunk casually but it grew worse with time around when he started working as a dungeon diver" precision made, the other bit of info we have that can inform this is that Chilchuck is on a harsh diet and that alcohol is a hunger suppressant. We know Chilchuck "used to be fine not eating for two days", that literally on screen to quench his hunger so it doesn’t keep him awake he goes to drink water, drinking is his instinct to hunger. Again alcohol is a hunger suppressant and if you want info on that the internet has a lot of research and anecdotes about it. He diets to be light enough to not trigger traps, so it’s something he’d have started after dungeon diving most likely. Between the stress and the diet, yes it’s extremely likely he started going harder on alcohol after he started working in dungeons.
There’s arguments on wether two days without eating is less bad for half-foots than humans, but apart from smaller portions there’s nothing that indicates half-foots should get less than 3 meals a day. They need less food but that’s because their bodies are smaller: the need is proportional to the body, not smaller than others’ races, the % of need is similar even if the kg amount of food isn’t. There’s also a popular headcanon with support basis that half-foots run hot and have a faster heartrate and whatnot, and that points towards a faster metabolism rather than a slower one: a bigger need for eating rather than a smaller one. He has the same bmi, 18, as Mickbell, but perhaps because Chil is much taller he’s less intensely visibly underweight with ribs showing than Mick during the bath extra, it’s most apparent when he becomes tallman.
Alcohol is something so important and omnipresent in his character that I have trouble believing it’s something that was part of only a small fraction of his life. It’s his immediate go-to, his no-brainer solution to a good time, I’ve sort of always assumed especially after looking at his family that it’s something he discovered decently young. Like he just acts like someone who’s always had alcohol to fall back on and started young idk. Alcohol is one of his 5 keywords. Alcoholism is very ingrained into his world view and life, his "it doesn’t matter" stance his ‘work hard play hard’ mentality his idea that the world is harsh so you get relief where you can, so it just makes sense to me that it’s always been in his life, if not actively then at least looming.
So yes, in summary, my take:
Alcohol was always something he wholly enjoyed to an unwise level, but it could have been considered casual until he started working into dungeons and his need for it on a regular basis intensified. Alcohol has always had positive association to him as far as we see, so when it started being a problem he didn’t see it as such. To quote him, "I drink anytime I get the opportunity to".
Why always? Approval of father’s alcoholism. Why alcoholism at all? Diet + stress & coping mechanism & emotional stunting + relationship issues, and she decided she had enough after they went out for drinks.
Conclusion
Chilchuck having drunk from a young age makes sense to me and it’s the strongest narrative angle I see on the table, but that’s objectively a me opinion, yes! There’s no evidence, moreso there’s canon basis and supporting info, but it’s all very left up to interpretation. I’ve made my own interpretations of things from the scraps we see, like everyone else making Chilwife and daughters content. Wether you have a stance on the topic or prefer to leave it vague in your takes, it’ll be a matter of what you think makes most sense, or what you’d rather believe I suppose (which is literally fine)
There’s a lot of subjectivity in even just setting up causal links like you probably noticed during this and I was careful with my word choices, because we’re just extrapolating from what we see and unless Kui states it explicitly from a reliable mouth all we can do is have informed opinions on most things. This particular interpretation is influenced by other details I’ve come to form about my interpretation of Chilchuck too, the more psychological and emotional sides of him and the timeline and how his marriage even happened, unplanned pregnancy imo. Like I hope you see what I mean, this wasn’t supposed to be a speculation post just a quick simple answer but there’s sort of just no other and concise but complete way with the subjectivity nuance to put "maybe it could be yes because of this but maybe it could be no because of this" haha
#Also he’s a lot like my own dad so to me with how he is it’s just an immediate “oh yeah he has always drunk duh of course”#So i can admit to bias. Or to specialized knowledge and authority on analysis idk in which way that tips the balance in my favor or not lol#Dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#meta#alcoholism#This post was meant to be short :|#-slaps chilchuck’s family- this baby can fit in so much projection#I have like 3 chil alcoholism & chil family fic wips rn weeeeee#I’m the kind of alcoholic’s kid who grew up to never touch alcohol btw so like. Ik Chil could not have drunk young i just think he did#Can we appreciate the alcohol opinion & resistance chart actually. So often in media it’s either “alcohol’s a source of fun yippee” and#“alcohol is evil”. Thank you Dunmeshi for diversity of opinion thank you for nuance i rarely feel so seen#Izutsumi deserves to tell Chilchuck he stinks#AND BY THE WAY I hope you don’t feel talked down on anon. Ik you seem to have your own interpretation already & that’s good#sometimes i was adressing like. The General Public TM more tha you which is why I spent time on some things like ‘think what you want’ etc#Okok i hope that covers it. Help where does the time go#It’s the sort of thing that makes Kui’s masterful storytelling by implying things here and there until it forms a big picture frustrating#for meta. Like! You can’t prove Chilchuck has been poor/grew up in an empoverished family/environment. There’s no evidence#but also if you cannot tell me with a straight face that he isn’t and hasn’t like omg. But then it takes 30 pages to explain how he’s coded#Stop showing and not telling Kui smh /j#Ask
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Several Sentences Sunday
Fanonwriter2023 on AO3
Where CANON and FANON collide!
Season 7 FANON FanFic: Buddie Multi-Chapter - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”
Chapter 29 will be posted soon.
This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!
Currently 28 chapters completed: 1.77M Words; Rated: Mature
One chapter will be posted at a time.
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I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 29 because at the end of Chapter 28, it was early in the morning and Buck and Eddie were lying in bed having a serious conversation about whether Eddie's going to delay the pursuit of his second paramedic certification, the ACP-C. Buck doesn't want him to give up his dream, especially now since they know what caused Buck's bradycardia and he's on medication. He's doing better and even though he's still grieving, he believes once he passes the last two stages of grief, Frank may clear him to return to work but he's still not sure if he wants to go back to being a firefighter. Also, Eddie's FMLA ends on January 31, 2024 but the question is will he extend it or return to the 118?
Additionally, Chris is still dealing with one of his classmates lack of participation in their video game project and it's stressing him out. Furthermore, during their last group therapy session, Buck had a conversation with Captain Jeshan Mehta and he asked him if they could meet so he can get an objective viewpoint from someone about whether he could be a captain someday with the LAFD. He decided not to ask Bobby since he doesn't believe he'll give him an objective viewpoint because in September 2022, he told him he needed more life experience.
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Here's a snippet from Chapter 29 of one of Buck's and Eddie's early morning conversations about "New Beginnings".
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They’re in bed and since they’ve been talking for the last hour about a lot of different things, they’ve changed positions several times. Instead of facing each other, Buck’s lying on his back and Eddie’s covering the left side of Buck’s body with his own and his head is lying on top of his chest. He’s listening to his heartbeat and it’s still one of the most beautiful sounds he’s ever heard.
While Buck’s lightly tracing his fingertips up and down Eddie’s back, he remembers the conversation they had in Philadelphia and since they haven’t discussed it since then, he decides now is a good time to bring it up again.
“Babe?”
Eddie hums, “Hmm?”
“Uh… do you think we should talk about the house in San Gimignano?”
He nods because it’s a subject they need to discuss especially since Angelo said he would contact them in early February. “Yes, I believe we should.”
“How do you feel about us buying it? I—I mean I’m asking because when we discussed it while we were in Philly, you suggested we withdraw our bid but we haven’t revisited that conversation. Do you um… still feel the same way?”
He lifts his head and replies, “No, I don’t want to withdraw our bid anymore because you were right, the white noise is loud as hell right now and we need to get out of L.A. for an entire month. We’re all looking forward to it including the boys… all three of them. It’s just, with all the logistics, I’m wondering how we’ll navigate the entire process from here and when I made the list, I thought about us contacting Tim and Sandra…” He trails off when Buck’s eyebrows go up.
“You remember them don’t you?”
Does Buck remember Tim and Sandra? 👀
If so, does he remember what they do for a living?
Why is Eddie suggesting they call them for help with "New Beginnings"?
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Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it. But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.
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Chapter Summaries
Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.
Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.
Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.
Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.
Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.
Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.
Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago. They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.
Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.
Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial. But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.
Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories. Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.
Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie. It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.
Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.
Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.
Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?
Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.
Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.
Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.
Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.
Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.
Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?
Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.
Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.
Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.
Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.
Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?
Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.
Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.
Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.
Chapter 29 - Will be posted soon.
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Read chapters 1-28 are available on AO3.
Continue reading on AO3
#buddie#eddie diaz#evan buckley#christopher diaz#the buckley diaz family#buckley diaz family#The Diaz Family#Fanonwriter2023 on AO3#911 on abc#911 abc#Hiatus Reading#Several Sentences Sunday#buddie wip#ao3 fanfic#buddie fanfic#911 fanfic
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The Woman Who Couldn’t Die Part 3
master list
Part 1 , Part 2,
Pairing: The Ghoul/Cooper Howard x Original Character
Alternative Universe where I make things up cause I can only research so much
Synopsis: His hands found their way to her hips, when was the last time he had looked at someone? Someone that he wasn’t trying to use, or kill. Her eyes roved over his, he kept waiting to see disgust or disinterest, instead her eyes just held his. A small smile played over her lips, as she glanced down
MINOR GET OUT. Rating/Warning: This is based on fallout expect Canon typical: Drug use, dEath, graphic viOlence, suggestions of SA, NonCon (not by the mc) suggestions of non con bodily harm, body horror, angst, hurt/comfort, death or people and animals, ptsd, drugs and alcohol use, addiction, slow build, angst with no comfort
Note: These will be spaced out as I am heavily editing and researching them. Each chapter will be 2-3+k words. Tags will be edited based on the chapter, please make sure you read them.
Also note that I will not be spoiling any of the reading. I will keep my tags relevant without spoiling what is happening in the story.
Jade didn't expect to feel suffocated as they entered into the settlement. The place was busy, people rushed back and forth, and there was an air of uncertainty. Mutters of raiders hanging around had the men at the gates asking a lot of questions. They were almost turned away until the Ghoul had fished out a handful of caps. The guard had taken a second before snatching them and letting them in. The place was the usual, several ramshackle buildings shoved together and surrounded by piles of trash that stood as walls. People gave them both the side eyes as they moved through the different kiosks and grifters.
The Ghoul didn’t say much just moving off towards a ramshackle pharmacy, Jade sighed at that. Guessing that their deal was now done, dead raiders or not she had only paid him to get here. The movement of people made her skin itch, too many people, too many eyes, too much of everything. She pushed back that crawling feeling that was poking at her neck. If she was gonna lose it she needed to be somewhere private, outside town. For now, she just needed to get some new clothes that actually fit. She saw a small shop with various clothes peeking out through some dust-covered windows, the place looked mostly empty which would be a good spot to try and clear her head.
Her heart slowed as she made her way into the buildings going through the racks of pieced-together clothing. Hoping to find something that fits a little better than her current attire. Her stomach was still knotted from her breakdown in the woods. Kill or be killed, was how she had lived most of her life, but seeing the raider beg for his life just to end it, had snapped something in her. The raider couldn’t have been out of adolescence, just a kid really, they all were just kids. Trying to somehow survive in this world. She wondered if they would have even attacked them, but they would have. The Ghoul had several rounds in his shoulder to prove that, and the raider he had skewered as he jumped out of the bush would have cut her throat just the same. Going soft over the dead would help no one. She needed to keep pushing forward or she’d end up dead.
The woman at the front was watching her closely, as she pulled out a shirt, a pair of cargo pants, and a heavier jacket. She had managed to grab a small amount of caps from the raiders. It won’t be enough but maybe a trade could be brokered.
“How much for these?” Jade asked, undoing her bag and putting it at her feet. The woman at the front wore a scowl as she came up to the counter.
“Eighty caps,” The woman chewed, her eyes looking Jade over. She was slim, like most folks, skin tanned by the never-ending sun, wearing a handmade dress.
“Could I do thirty caps and trade you some chems?” Jade asked, pulling out a few of the chems she’d snagged off the raiders.
The woman looked over the chems in front of her, eyes narrowing at the different bottles. Lips screwed up as she assessed each vial. She held them up to the skylight above her.
“Where you get these?” The woman prodded, standing back and putting her hand under the counter.
Jade backed up immediately, only grabbing her bag and putting it in front of her like a makeshift shield. Hand resting on her pistol behind the bag, she wasn’t the quickest draw but she wasn’t gonna let scrawny get her without a fight.
“There were raiders outside the town, just took care of them. Scounged what I could, like anyone else,” She swallowed eyes looking at the vials of chems still on the counter. As the women twitched staring daggers at Jade.
A familiar click sounded and Jade turned to see the Ghoul standing there with his gun pointed at the woman. His face was tight underneath the wide brim of his hat. His clothes fluttered around him as he stood there like something out of one of the old West novels Jade used to read.
“The girl was just doin’ what we all doin’,” He said, moving around to grab the vials of chems off the counter. “You don’t like her deal, just say so.”
The woman moved slowly, putting both hands on the counter, her eyes wide as she watched the Ghoul move. Her hands shook slightly as she looked over the man.
“Just had a lot of raiders around Ghoul. Don’t need my shop known for dealin’ with unsavory characters, such as yaself,'' She sputtered, “If the girl wants the clothes I will trade her what she offered.”
The Ghoul turned to Jade who had backed up even further, nodding his head at the women. The younger woman moved to drop the caps on the counter, turning to take the chems back from the Ghoul. She placed those down and grabbed the pieces of clothing.
“Thank you, for the trade,” Jade said briskly, turning to make sure the Ghoul was following her out of the building. His gun was still pointed at the cashier as he moved through the doorway, the way he moved was more cat-like. Fluid, quiet, and with ease.
Outside the Ghoul grabs Jade’s shoulder and spins her around as she tries to move away. She stifled a squawk looking at his face, a hardened mask, eyes searching over her, was he looking to see if she was okay?
“Figured you’d have ditched me by now,” Jade said quickly, tucking her clothes into her bag and placing it back onto her back. Looking around to make sure no one else was gunning for them. A cold weight pressed against her stomach.
The Ghoul sighed, turning away from her, “You’re welcome too, Pips-squeak.”
“I am going to go see if there is any work, maybe make enough to get a room,” The woman stated before walking towards the building with painted INN on the front. Underneath the awning was a board with several dozen sheets of paper pinned to it.
Stopping, she was surprised to feel the Ghoul stop a few feet from her, “I can’t pay you anymore, the last of my caps were used for the clothes.” The words felt bitter against her tongue, despite only knowing the man for three days, she had grown fond of him. They worked well together if the Raider incident was any indication, but she was certain that they’d be going their separate ways here.
“Ya, tryin’ to get rid of me, tiny?” The Ghoul chuckled, “Pretty sure you’d be radrat bait if I hadn’t walk’d in there.”
“Just figured the contract was up,” She licked her lips, eyes scanning the flyers. Not much was actually sinking in, Jade had very little knowledge of how any of this worked.
“Said ya wanted to be a bounty hunter.” The man said casually, Jade could see from the corner of her eye that he was staring at her.
Jade turned, her hands tucking around the straps of her backpack as she looked at him. That prey feeling washed over her, “Yeah I did. What are you suggesting?”
The crooked smile came across his face, which made her stomach flutter, “Why not let me teach ya? Best bounty hunt’r around.”
She narrowed her eyes at him, moving slightly closer to him. “The best for now.” Trying to hold his eye contact and not let the fear and sudden arousal eat at her.
He let out a short laugh, grabbing a flier off the wall. “Come on, got some roaches to kill.”
***
The Ghoul rests against a tree trying to wipe his face of the green guts from the radroach. Jade wasn't far from him flicking her hands of the viscous liquid. Stuff was everywhere and on everything, thicker than molasses on a cold day.
They had traveled for a day to get to the farm, the farmer had been a bit too welcoming for his liking. Something about him was shifty, that and the fact there seemed to be no one else on the farm. That said he did give them half the caps before they even went to look for the roaches. It took an additional three days of searching to finally find the den, which ended up being much more than a den. It was a hive.
Both of them had run out of ammo, instead moving to machetes to cut and slaughter the never-ending swarm of beasts. Jade had got cut up several times. Nothing that stitches and stimpak won't fix, but it had made his heart clench to see the girl covered in both green and red blood. If she had died it would have made the whole thing much trickier, at least that’s what he told himself. They had managed to get all the way to the queen. A fat rotund thing that never stopped howling. Jade had climbed over the piles of dead bodies and decapitated the thing as Ghoul continued to fend off the last of the swarm. The woman had looked triumphant holding the things head in her hand, like some kind of warrior Queen.
Now out of the cave system, the Ghoul was unsuccessfully trying to get the slim off his face. It was becoming clear that some of the goop had gotten into his nose hole. It wasn’t the first time stuff had gotten up there, unfortunately he was fresh out of cotton swabs.
“Fuck,” He growled, pulling his gloves off with his teeth and slapping them on the ground.
“What’s up?” Jade said coming over and plunking her bag down, the queen’s head strung up in a tree. Didn’t want to draw any unwanted attention to the thing, plus it was proof they’d done their job.
The Ghoul felt around the edges of the cavity trying to figure out if he could dig the sludge out. Letting out a frustrated sigh, knowing his fingers would do more damage than good. He leaned forward and tried to shake it free but nothing came out.
“Do you have roach guts in your nose cavity?” The girl said, with a small chuckle as she diug around in her bag, and pulled out some cotton swabs.
He tried to wave her away, “It’ll come out on its own.”
“Oh hush, and hold still,” She said, grabbing his chin to look at her. Her hands worked skillfully to remove his hat so she could see what she was doing. The fading daylight is just enough for her to see into his nose cavity.
He froze, despite the number of scars she had. Her hands were soft, her grip on his chin firm as she tipped his head more to see what she was working with. He hadn’t been this close to her before, her eyes weren’t just brown. But brown with shots of green through them, her face mostly unmarred by the abuse she had suffered. Her hair slicked back into a ponytail full of roach guts. Her fingers worked quickly as she used the swab to scoop out some goop. He squirmed slightly, it was not painful but an uncomfortable feeling
“Shit, did that hurt?” Jade asked shifting so that she was nearly sitting in his lap.
The Ghoul just shook his head, he could feel how warm her body was. The way her thighs rested against his, her body almost pressing against his chest. His heart was pounding so loud he thought she’d be able to hear it. The Ghoul could hear her heart beating. Her hand loosened its grip on his chin and moved to rest on his shoulder.
“Almost got it, there is a little more, just hold on.” She whispered skillfully, grabbing another swab and inserting it carefully, he felt it brush inside his nose. Making him feel like he might sneeze for the first time since losing his nose. She pulled it out and flicked off the goop into the bush. She turned back and looked at him.
He couldn’t help looking up at her, her features were so soft and delicate. His hands found their way to her hips, when was the last time he had looked at someone? Someone that he wasn’t trying to use, or kill. Her eyes roved over his, he kept waiting to see disgust or disinterest, instead her eyes just held his. A small smile played over her lips, as she glanced down at his lips. Leaning in to kiss him.
His heart rate shot up as he felt her push her lips against his, mouth opening to lick across them. His hands gripped onto her hips as her hands gripped against his shoulders. Mind going bank as he pushed her off of him. He stood up, this was not happening, walking away from her.
“Wait. Stop” Jade shouted after him, but he kept moving forward away from her.
His mind was ablaze, he hadn’t kissed someone in years. A flash of a memory, the bombs dropping, holding Janey on Sugarfoot as they rode away. Her face as she screamed in the arms of soldiers dragged her away. Look on his wife’s smug face as they drove away. The moment he shot Sugarfoot because the animal was starving. His skin blistered in the neverending sun, and watching as his body changed, every time he got a cut or nick it would gnarl and twist. The look on a soldier's face when he came looking for help. The first taste of radaway, med-x, rad-x, and a laundry list of other drugs. The first time he had to kill someone just to eat. The first time he saw himself in a mirror, his nose sloughing off, skin a dirty meaty red. Begging for help and being shunned away. Called a monster, a creature, a zombie, a killer, a murderer. A Ghoul. He was a Ghoul. The word echoed around in his head like a bell chime.
His lungs were screaming and he dug around his duster pockets pulling out the inhaler. He pushed it into his mouth taking a shot back. His eyes rolled into his head as his brain went foggy before he collapsed onto the ground. His hands dug into the soil, the feel of soil under his fingertips. The sound of birds moving in the trees, bugs buzzing. He focuses on that, on the numbing sensation spreading from his lungs out. Coughing and spurting he pushed himself onto his feet, leaning heavily on a tree, mind finally quiet. He took two more puffs before the numbest finally stamped out the fire of the memories.
***
Jade watched him stumble away, her ass in the dirt baffled at what had just transpired. It was just a kiss, and here he was acting like she had asked him to fuck her. She spat some bug guts that had fallen from her hair, out of her mouth. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, before pushing herself up and off the ground. They had spent over a week living out of each other's pockets, it wasn’t like he was a bad-looking man. He was better looking than ninety percent of the men around this hellhole. Just cause he was a Ghoul didn’t mean she wasn’t attracted to him. She sighed going over to his bags to find a needle and thread, she’d needed to at least try and stitch herself up. The one on her left wouldn’t be too bad, but the cut that went across her back would have to wait.
She grumbled biting into a piece of stick as she sewed it up, her teeth clenching as the needle pulled in and out of her skin. Done, she grabbed a stimpak and jabbed it in with a small sigh as it numbed the pain. If the Ghoul ever came back she’d ask him to look at the other wounds. She cleaned the needle and tucked it back into his bag.
Her mind wandered over the day, the week. The unavoidable haze that was before that. Stomach knotting as she looked around the empty forest. It was mostly blank, she remembered some stuff and saw some of the marks on her. Luckily the stimpaks and whatever else they fed her had kept her body mostly intact. Even the places below the belt, how that whole area was okay was beyond her. The memory of the first time she had let herself feel down there flooded in.
One night while they were looking for the roaches, she disappeared to go pee. Had taken a moment to actually feel around there, something she had been terrified to do since she had left the outpost. Expecting to find scaring, tears, and more damage, but there wasn’t much. There were dozens of scars on her thighs, ass cheeks, two scars that had actually slit down each side of her cheek. Even so, maybe one day she’d be able to enjoy that part of herself again. One day, but that wasn’t something she’d really been concerned about till tonight.
Letting out a sigh she rubbed at the back of her neck where that tingling feeling still lay. That tingling feeling had spread and overwhelmed her when she had shot the Raider kid. It was always there, trauma, suppressed memories, things trying to crawl towards the surface.
“No, Nope, we aren’t doing that Jade,” She said out loud to the forest, “We are here right now. We are okay. We are okay. Just killed a bunch of radroaches, and got enough caps to get a bed for the night. Ghoul will come back, no way he’d leave his bag here. The bag means more to him than anything. Also the hat, the bastard would melt without his hat.”
Jade takes a few deep breaths, bringing up good memories. Looking after the calves on the farm, bartending at the Lazy Susan, the way the forest sounded, killing radroaches. She imprints those memories at the forefront. Focusing her mind to push everything back into the hole it had popped itself out of.
“Anything else doesn’t matter, we just keep going. We got this.” Jade says finally, shaking her arms and hands. Letting the feelings flow out of her like dust behind her.
The sun had started to set, as much as she wanted to light a fire it would be too dangerous alone. Grabbing her jacket she slipped it on, the cut on her back stung, she’d have to deal with that later. Instead, she gathered up their things and moved herself more central to the clearing. She also took a moment to cut down the head of the Queen. Grabbing some rope and tying it to the bag for easy pickup.
Briefly wondered if she should try to climb a tree to camp out overnight. Most of the trees around her were too small or didn’t have low enough branches to climb. The center of the clearing would be safest, and hopefully. the Ghoul would be back soon. Asshole anyway, Jade felt resentment at the fact she had let herself rely on him. Even with his gruff lone wolf bullshit attitude, something under that hard shell had made her feel safe.
As if he had heard her, the man sauntered through the forest, his marred features evident in the rising moon. He walked right up to her without a word snatching his hat off the bags and tipping it back onto his smooth head. He didn’t say a word, as he re-gloved his fingers and shouldered the bag. Before starting to walk off in the direction of the farm.
Jade huffed but packed up, and followed after him. Muttering to herself about him being a giant dickhead, she struggled to keep up with his pace. Her body ached from the various wounds that rub as she moved.
part four
*If you enjoy the story let me know! It keeps me writing!
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*more to come, this is fully plotted just a lot of editing and additions..
*Find me on AO3 here
#fallout#the ghoul#fanfic#cooper howard#writing#fallout tv#writer#angst#horror writing#fallout fandom#fallout series#fallout tv series#the ghoul cooper howard#the ghoul x oc#the ghoul x original character
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if any other bitch in konoha had been gay apart from sasuke none of this would have happened to my son naruto.
#pussy from the turbotron edgelord 3000 and his whole life went up in flame. NOT worth it#no but fr it's insane how he bamboozled every fan into thinking he was so interesting and cool and badass when .#at the point im at in shippuden hes by far the least interesting of the main characters. one track mind (vengeance) and no depth beyond that#like the other characters rn : sakura coming in to her own ; finding her path and her strength + sharing a connection so deep with naruto#over their common loss that they both just Know although they absolutely cant talk about it#yamato: the only survivor of orochimaru's monstrous experiments on children; kakashi's stand in thats so different from kakashi#it makes you wonder what it would have been like with him as their teacher from the start;#a mystery thats clearly trying his best but whose mission truly is A Lot#SAI: A BRAINWASHED SPY A PAWN FOR A SECRET ORGANISATION WHO CLINGS TO HIS HUMANITY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HES BEEN PUNISHED FOR IT#WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH NARUTO FOR MAKING HIM REALIZE HOW DEEP THINGS COULD BE FELT AND HOW DEEP RELATIONSHIPS COULD RUN#WHO HAS BEEN DRAWING A BOOK FOR HIS DEAD BROTHER FOR YEARS EVEN IF HE'S FORGOTTEN WHAT HIS BROTHER LOOKS LIKE#WHO DECIDED TO SPARE SASUKE BECAUSE HE'S LOVED. WHO JUST WANTS TO LEARN HOW TO LIVE A HUMAN LIFE.#MOST AUTISTIC CODED CHARACTER OF ALL TIMES HAS NEVER SUCCESSFULLY MASKED A DAY IN HIS LIFE.#sasuke: sasuke#anyway. im not touching on naruto because i could be here for days#BUT while sasuke on his own so far is very whatever. the narusasu dynamic is truly one for the ages#bc i just saw the ep where sasuke manages to see kyuubi inside naruto and wooshes him away and it's very like.#oh so hes literally seeing naruto's demons and banishing them even as hes telling naruto they dont matter to each other anymore.#oh ok cool cool cool cool this feels normal and not something to obsess over#jesus christ why am i typing all this. who here cares#naruto thoughts
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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So for no reason at all I'm thinking about this:
Sora was not chosen by a Keyblade Master to be a Keyblade wielder, but he becomes a Keyblade wielder before anyone else in the Destiny Trio (yes, I know, Riku's Keyblade--the Kingdom Key--had shown up on the Destiny Islands for Riku, but when Riku chose darkness over light, it opted to go with Sora instead: and there it would ultimately stay and Riku would get a different Keyblade later).
Riku was chosen by a Master to be a Keyblade wielder, and he's the third of the Destiny Trio to get his Keyblade, though still treated so much better than Kairi is, and truly gets to use his Keyblade before her (in having big adventures where he gets to use it, and whatnot): as I'm sure no one is really counting the three Heartless that Kairi killed with hers in KHII.
Kairi was accidentally chosen to be a wielder by a Keyblade Master (Aqua triggered the Keyblade Inheritance Ceremony with her by accident, that is), and this actually happens before the scene where Terra chooses Riku. But it's an accidental thing, which definitely stings a bit. And Kairi is the second of the Destiny Trio to get her Keyblade... though in a lot of ways, you wouldn't guess that.
Edit: I'm wrong. Riku gets his Keyblade second, and Kairi gets hers third, as Riku has his Keyblade when he protects Kairi and Naminé from Saïx. I, and another user on her at what point, just got confused because of Riku (if you talk to him as Sora when you beat Luxord) mentioning how he doesn't think Sora needs the power of darkness or his Soul Eater yet, which almost sounds like he still has Soul Eater at the time, when he doesn't. What a weird line just overall. -shrugs-
#and yes: before someone says it i know terra. technically. was not a master when he did the keyblade inheritance ceremony with riku#as he had not passed his mark of mastery exam (that was rigged anyway) and thus hadn't been given the title#but he was at master level--according to nomura--which is how he was still able to do this#i mean the aqua and kairi scene hurts less with how aqua realized that kairi was someone worth protecting (she was realizing she was a#princess of heart). and she also cast that magical spell on her necklace because of it: so that whenever she was in trouble the light withi#her would lead her to someone else in order to keep her safe. so maybe all of that is part of the reason the keyblade inheritance ceremony#kicked in and NOT just because aqua and kairi were both touching aqua's keyblade at the same time. (this is the only way i can live with#this. and i honestly think it makes MORE sense this way). though you do still have to wonder 'why?' why is kairi always shafted in every#single way possible?#maybe they were going for some 'all three of the destiny trio has a different tie with the keyblade and how they were chosen' thing. but as#always kairi's the one who gets the short end of the stick. really#the only thing i even remotely like about it is that it means that both sora and kairi can bond over actually BOTH of them weren't chosen b#a master then
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oh my god.. a job for me.. historical pierrot beach performer lol
#also I'm obsessed with shows like this#I always forget about like 'people live in a fully historical way as a sort of half documentary half educational reality-tv ish thing' as#a genre but then every once in a while I remember and watch something like this and am so enamored#There was also one called 'manor house' or something where it was like normal people who aren't actually historians or anything#trying to live like how they did a while ago in some big manor or whatever which was interesting#not the drama really (there wasnt much but a few of the people on there were kind of annoying whenever they did get their#few little interview bits among the otherwise mostly explanatory nature of the show just focusing on how things#worked in mainatining a giant manor house)#though there's a lot of focus on edwardian and victorian times in these sorts of things. which is cool!#but I wonder if they have them for different time periods too. and different locations. what about 1500s france#1250s china. etc. etc. I dont know because like I said I always forget I like this type of stuff so I never look it up#omg.... guess what... (whispering to you as if we're friends and I'm gosspiing).. you will NEVER believe this..#you know 'Edwardian Farm' right? well.. I just found........ 'VICTORIAN farm'!#it's literally the same people doing the same thing but a different time period. And you know what? I will still eagerly watch every moment#ghbhj.. They could do 'Victorian Farm 2' 'Victorian Farm 3: Yet Another Show About The Same Stuff' and I would watch them all#ANYWAY.. also I feel like that could be my niche. Like because I'm Very Mentally Ill And Have Very Much Problems and have difficulty managi#ng ''normal'' jobs. But I LOVE menial repetitive tasks epsecially ones I can do with my hands. Like I could peel carrots for hours. I love#sculpting. etc. If I were ever in a position to learn a historical trade I think that could be My Thing. on these shows they always have li#ke 'The One Single Guy In The Entirety Of England Who Still Weaves Baskets Like They Did In Shropshire In 1805' or whatever and they#call him on the show and he's like 'yeah this basket took me 16 hours to make and here's how I do it' and it's like.. god.. I could be that#guy.. Like old style jewelry making. shoe making. all of these little tedious tasks to do crafting sorts of things.#It's just that like... when am I ever going to be in a position to LEARN that? You'd have to know someone who already does it#and be like tutored by them or etc. Which my social issues are a barrier gghhj.. and lack of resources/money to buy supplies. etc#but.. THEORETICALLY.. the dream.. ANYWAY ghhjhj.. I've been very busy all week but will try to do new poll adventure and other#stuff soon. I've had like two appointments and More Things Than Usual so just.. zero social media posting energy whatsoever#I do HAVE posts though.. pictures.. cat things.. costumes.. polls.. it's just.. brain says I have to lay on the floor all day instead#but at least I can ponder the absolute glee of a theoretical life where I am That One Guy in england who can make old ass gloves or etc.#If anyone in the UK has a dying grandpa with a near-extinct skill and YOU yourself don't feel like picking up the trade to pass it to young#er generations.. hmu and help me get citizenship and I will do it for you. even if he's evil and mean. I will MAKE those shoes
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