HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO BLEED BEFORE YOU NOTICE IM NOT OKAY?

You Shall Be My Roots

You shall be my roots and I will be your shade, though the sun burns my leaves.

You shall quench my thirst and I will feed you fruit, though time takes my seed.

And when I'm lost and can tell nothing of this earth you will give me hope.

And my voice you will always hear. And my hand you will always have.

For I will shelter you. And I will comfort you. And even when we are nothing left, not even in death, I will remember you.

-Mark Z. Danielewski, House Of Leaves, p. 565

@louudthoughts

My head is a hive of words that won't settle.

Virginia Woolf

I never realized how much work it can take me to stay in a positive headspace and mindset when having to create your paths of income. I have had to do a hell of a lot in the last few weeks that I never wanted to do, but have had to because it feels like it is part of my journey. I have recently been thinking a lot about the phrase, it is for you and not at you, and I don't know why this phrase has impacted me so much in the last few weeks, and maybe it is because my eyes have been opened so much in these last few weeks.

I am really hoping that this new venture I plan to take on will be the change I need to really end up where I want to be. I know that it will take a lot of hard work and dedication, but I am and have gone through so much in my life that, I feel the need to start doing something about it. Hopefully I can help those who need it just as much as I do.

Kay, acting like mother in that one situation, towards Arthur and his friendship with Lancelot

He's like: I don't like your new friend, I'll be honest. I can feel there's something wrong with him a HUNDRED KILOMETERS away. You should be really careful, boy, I'm telling you this friendship of yours won't lead to anything good🙄

And after the horrible events:

You see? See?! I told you that and I was right all along! Gosh, why don't you ever listen to me? Oh, there there, don't cry now. You'll find someone better I guarantee that. (Secretly planning to destroy that bitch, who made his precious child cry)

Thinking of Billy Knight singing along to My Girl by The Temptations whilst he’s making you and his baby girl breakfast (me and Bex have already confirmed that he’s a girl dad. don’t agree? go argue with the wall). He’s so comfortable around the two of you - his little family, the loves of his life, you and the beautiful daughter you blessed him with - that he even gets a bit goofy with it, singing into the spatula he’s using to flip things over as they cook, swaying his hips slightly off-beat, shimmying his shoulders as he leans in to serenade his jovial little princess, pausing his singing to quickly place a kiss on her cute little nose. Billy switches between serenading you and his lovely baby girl, giving you both the attention you deserve. His singing voice is nowhere near as good as David Ruffin’s, at least not when he’s singing so loudly and, frankly, ridiculously (he sounds much better when his tone is all soft and sweet and hushed, when he sings in that low, sweet voice he uses to sing your daughter to sleep every night, that one that never fails to make you melt), but you both love the silly show he’s putting on for you regardless.

It's nights like this, my thoughts are the loudest, and I try to drown them out with my tears.

I'm going to express my "the thought of the day" in the most ignorant and unclear way I possible can.

Garmadon and Clouse - hate each other, fought, tried to kill - toxic

Chen and Clouse - Chen favored Garmadon, Clouse is badly paid and annoyed servant - wonky but with a little reflection why not

Garmadon and Chen - fav boi and i'm bad and I'll help you by doing the bad red head - if you think about, squint one eye and close the other, it's actually, something

but me like the toxic

December 11th 2023

The thing is, it’s not that I’m not self aware. I can tell the difference to what’s in my head and what isn’t. And they say that psychosis is when people believe what they see and hear is real although ‘sometimes they can tell it isn’t’.

But what happens when you always knew they weren’t real?

Plus, what do they mean by ‘voices in your head’? Do they mean, you can literally hear people talking? Or do they mean you have people in your head talking and you’re aware that it is in your head because it sounds like how it does when you listen to your own voice in your head.

So if I don’t have ‘auditory hallucinations’ because it’s not literally a voice I hear and it’s not voices that address me and tell me to do things, then what the fuck is it? What the fuck is my problem.

This morning, when I was doing my hair, my thoughts started getting louder, as they sometimes do when I get really focused. The voices were like background tv noises. You know they’re there but you’re not exactly paying attention to them. But every now and then a few words will stick out to you. And usually, when I hear these voices, it’s two people or a group of people arguing.

It’s never got anything to do with me which makes me wonder if it’s the same as the voices that people normally get when they have this problem. Like how they tell people to murder someone because it’s gods will or something.

The longer the argument goes on, the louder it gets and the more difficult it is to focus and sometimes, if it gets loud enough, I will shake my head or tell them to shut up or even tell myself to pull myself together.

But this morning was different. This morning, while I was brushing my hair, I actually spoke parts of the conversation, as if I became a radio. I wasn’t even really paying attention to what was being said. It wasn’t like a daydream where you knew what was going to be said next. It was something that was brought on randomly, unexpectedly and involuntary. As if these messages were being channeled through me or something, as I said, like a radio. And when I caught myself doing it, I was genuinely fucking concerned.

So I said ‘what the fuck am I even saying right now’ and I told myself to shut up and move on. But the voices didn’t stop. And not even a minute later, I spoke again, completely involuntarily. I swear it was as if I was being possessed. But I wouldn’t go that far. It was probably just stress or something.

Either way, it would probably be a good idea to consult a doctor even if I think it’s pointless since I can’t afford therapy.

i just want to be wanted.

but i don't know how to be someone somebody wants.

I had you with me today

“You’re the prettiest here. Not just on the outside, but on the inside.”

I ate the last bite on my plate

BYND

Just because you can't see my psychological wounds doesn't mean they don't run deep. Just because you don't notice strange behavior in me doesn't mean it isn't screaming loudly in my head all the time. Just because you think I'm okay because I say so and you believe me doesn't mean it's true.

It is in the silence of the ocean, you hear your loudest thoughts.

Yet the loud waves silence all your doubts.