#losing hope
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I want to kill myself so fuckin bad and I hate this feeling, what's wrong w me?!? I need the answer... I don't want to feel anything anymore tf staying alive is exhausting
#tw depressing thoughts#depressing shit#losing hope#sala samobójców#dominik santorski#emo#actually mentally ill#i want to disappear
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How i feel waiting for the writers to acknowledge Pride month
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Fuck. My. Life. I miss the times I got to spend with you…
#i miss you#words#life#love quotes#losing hope#quotes#heartbreak#loneliest#unrequited crush#unrequited feelings
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Hand in Hand (part seven)
@whumptober Alt. 11: Panic
cw: aftermath of whump, migraine, adult language, death mention
prev ///// au masterlist ///// next
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It's been three days since the punishment.
Three days since he hurt Wes and abandoned him in the cell. Nowhere near enough time for the memories, the screams, to fade. The screams he'd caused.
Dan has spent most of the time lying down. It isn't by choice. After his escape attempt, Swift saw fit to increase security measures. If he isn't being escorted by armed guards, he's chained to the bed, arms splayed out in such a way that he couldn't pick the locks if he tried. Not that he has.
He has a headache that started the moment the cell door closed behind him, and it's only gotten stronger with every passing hour. He could tell himself it's just an effect of lying down for so long, of the beating, of dehydration, of insomnia. Maybe any one of those is true. But it feels like his body is punishing him.
His skull throbs, his eye sockets pulse with a fresh pain any time he even twitches, and he deserves it.
Even though, logically, he knows he had no choice.
You could've paid attention when you were trying to escape. You could've gotten him out.
It was bad luck, he argues back. It couldn't be helped.
You could've fought them. You would've stood a chance.
That would only make things worse. Wes might be dead now if I had.
You should've let him die day one.
Even though the thought is his own, it's like having a bucket of ice water dumped on him. Dan physically tenses, trying to push it away, whimpering at the spike of pain in his head that comes with the effort.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what can he do? Can he do anything? Even if he's a model prisoner from now on, does anything Swift asks and more, earns back the simple freedom of being able to fucking move, what will that do? He'll be no better off than he was before, when he tried and failed. And even if he could get lucky the second time around, Wes is running out of time. If Swift doesn't kill him, his injuries will. Fuck!
His breathing is getting faster and faster as the true hopelessness of the situation sets in. Every time, it feels like he's drawing in less air. He can't do anything, he can't do anything. It's the most helpless he's ever felt.
Betrayed by his men. Locked up and starved and hurt and hurt and hurt. Unable to do anything but watch as the one person in the universe he still has is slowly tortured to death. And anything he does to try and fix things only makes everything worse. He has no control here. He has nothing but whatever misery Swift graces him with.
The thoughts only stop barraging him when the pain in his head makes it impossible to think. Dan lays as still as he can on the bed then, tries to swallow his sobs, tries to blink away the tears and simply breathe deeply.
In, one-two.
Out, one-two.
He repeats the simple counts until he can almost think clearly again.
Hope isn't lost, not yet. He'll think of something, he always thinks of something. Maybe...
Maybe he can get a weapon. Maybe, as bad a shape as he's in, he can take the guards by surprise the next time they come knocking. Get a gun. Make it to Wes, make it to a ship.
It's a desperate bid, and the chances of it working are slim to none, but it's all he has.
Despite everything, Dan tries to make his body relax. It's tedious work. Unclench his jaw, let his face go slack, try to soften the muscles in his shoulders, in his torso, in his legs.
If this is his last chance, he can't let anything he still has some kind of control over get in the way. He keeps breathing, slow and steady, closes his eyes, and waits.
~ ~ ~
@kira-the-whump-enthusiast @kixngiggles @shywhumpauthor
#whumptober2023#no.14#altprompt#panic#oc#fic#migraine tw#aftermath of whump#death mention tw#riotkingsau#restrained#losing hope#captivity whump#multiple whumpees
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You've GOT to be fucking kidding me.
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I started reading this post and I'm nodding along bc I'm so pissed too ok I'm exhausted. They're torturing the director of Al Shifa Hospital. They keep torturing people to death. kids and men who are the age of my father, my brothers, my nephews, sometimes they look like them. They just massacred and kidnapped people in The West Bank and then they bombed Rafah, the only town left, there's nowhere else to go. But they're so despicable they did it while running an ad on the Superbowl.
They won't let them anywhere else. It's a slaughter. Bisan is there. Lama is there. The picture of the little girl's corpse hanging by her clothes to a wall from the impact, her legs missing, her mother arm still around her... you just can't unsee it.
What else does it take fr like this is so horrendous and just draining every last bit of hope how do I go on how can the world go on WHY IS THE WORLD LETTING THIS HAPPEN? WHY DO WE HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THIS WTF JUST LET THEM FUCKING LIVE.
...and then I kept reading.
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It was a post about OFMD.
I feel like I'm losing it fr like I wanna throw up I don't see... any future. I'm literally losing hope in everything . I just...
#i can't.#ofmd#we'll all be killed and they'll never care enough to like... turn off their show#like this is not funny to me please grow a fucking heart they're getting slaughtered everyday#late stage capitalism#it's not even worth it to cry about this but how can I not Ive cried for less#and I loved that series I.. I thought people who also felt seen would know how important it is to be seen. to be able to EXIST#free palestine#let gaza live#losing hope#se va a caer#pero nos va a arrastrar en la caída#dismantle israel#fuck the usa
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"Take A Break"
Chapter 2: "Take A Broken Hope"
Legend was the Veteran, he had experience in all things related to being a hero. However, he didn't have experience with losing hope, yes he's lost hope in others before, but he has always been able to trust himself to get him out of situations, and normally he was the kingdom's hope.
Not this time, this time he had no chance of getting himself out and as things progressed he lost hope in anyone else doing it.
Febuwhump 2024 | Prompt 7: Suffering in Silence
<<Previous | Next>>
Event Masterlist
Read On AO3
Warnings: torture, graphic violence
Legend did not know when he lost consciousness, but then he was waking up and he was dazed and his body felt heavier than even after a too-long night's sleep.
When he finally did wake up, he realized he was bound and blindfolded, and... maybe stupidly, he panicked a bit.
He startled, jerking on the ropes tied tightly around his wrists and he hissed softly. His ankles were tied together, like his wrists, but his wrists were tied to something else behind him with extremely little wiggle room.
"Ah, you’re up." He startled, twisting his head and ears to pinpoint the location of the voice.
"Where am I? What do you want?" Legend demanded, snarling a bit. He heard footsteps, wood floors, echoed but not that much, so... a decently sized room, maybe a bit bigger or just mostly empty, wooden floors meant it was a building...
"It doesn't matter, and revenge." His hair was grabbed and his head slammed into what felt like wood behind him. Legend grit his teeth to keep any noise of pain escaping him.
"Revenge?" He snarled. He hadn't done anything here.
"Not on you. On that so-called hero. He got our friends and family killed all because he wouldn't marry some lady. Now we'll kill his friends and family as revenge until the day he dies."
Oh. They're after the captain.
"Don't you touch him," he growled.
"He isn't the one you should be worried about," they said, and Legend could feel them moving closer. Their hand in his hair let go and promptly grabbed his chin, he froze as he felt their breath on his face. "You were fun to kiss when you couldn't fight back, I wonder how much better you'd be when you can."
Oh goddesses no. He could take torture but Farore, goddess, please don't make him--
"Oh, I always thought those over-dramatic stories were just that, dramatic, but I can taste your fear." Their breath still ghosted over his face.
He opened his mouth to tell them to get away, to bite at them, to headbutt them, something dammit! But their grip on his face tightened and, goddesses above, he could hear the grin.
"They said I could do what-ev-ver I want to... We'll have some fun together, won't we... What's your name?"
The grip loosened and Legend snarled, begging his rabbit heart not to control him. "Go jump off a cliff."
Nails dug into his cheeks. "Oh, you most certainly will be a fun one, won't you."
Legend has been stabbed before, he's been cut, he's taken hits while high on adrenaline and while half asleep. He's been struck by lightning for Farore's sake.
Tortured? He's had training to withstand torture, to never give a hint of any information. He was taught that screaming wasn't a sign of weakness, that it was the safest and least harmful way to endure pain--better than clenching teeth, biting tongues or cheeks, or digging nails--however, begging was a sign of weakness.
As a warrior, and as a hero, he couldn't show that much weakness. That was admitting defeat and he was never to admit defeat.
But Din, Farore, and Nayru--he was so close.
He had tried not to scream when his skin was surgically sliced open and needles were driven carefully beneath his nails. He did well to keep silent for what had to of been a couple of hours.
Then the burns started. They cauterized each wound--long cuts from his wrist to his elbow, careful slits in his bicep and thighs, one under his chin that felt moments away from breaking into his mouth--with a red-hot knife.
He screamed then, and when they forced him to drink some kind of poison that felt as if it was burning him alive, sending him into a seizing state and only giving him an antidote at what was probably the last second possible... then only waiting for him to wake back up to put ice on the untreated, still painful burns?
He wasn't okay. He had done a lot of things, he had taken a lot of pain, but the burns and ice were the worst of all of it. Even drowning had been better than this.
"You're something incredible, darling," his torturer purred, Legend hated how kind he managed to sound while tearing apart every last strand of sanity he had. "Nobody else has made it past the fire and ice without begging. You must be trained for this kind of thing... a real child soldier."
"I--" Legend screamed when something electrified was driven into his ribs.
"What was that?"
"I'm--I am not a soldier," he rasped, his throat burning at the words spoken.
"Adorable, really."
Their fingers trailed over his freezing burns and it felt weird, the nerves were gone but the skin untouched between each new scar was alight. He was still blindfolded, and it was because of that sensory deprivation, he felt everything else that much more.
"You’re doing so... well."
Another scream ripped from his throat as his nerves burned. Electricity tore through his body, his lungs, burning everything in its path and golden three, he took it back. He had just forgotten how awful that lightning strike had been and suddenly he was reliving it.
His screams just failed, they trickled out, his voice broken and throat raw.
At some point, he couldn't even scream, his throat so raw not a sound escaped him.
The fire, ice, and electricity continued, but the psychopath decided to do all at the same time in addition to that burning poison and...
If he could, he would be begging, no matter what training he had.
"Oh, you cry so well, little soldier."
He hated it. He hated that condescending tone. He hated being called a soldier because he was not a soldier.
Soldiers were followers. Soldiers followed a set of fallible rules. Soldiers could be corrupted, influenced, and controlled. Soldiers followed the money. He was no soldier.
Another silent scream was stolen, another attempt at begging for a reprieve cried out and left unheard.
It didn't stop, but suddenly his arms were unbound and his body roughly dragged. It sent the pain into overdrive and for a moment he floated. For a moment it all blinked out.
Then he came back, held limply against what felt like a chest, and he felt the blindfold be taken off.
Light didn't assault his eyes, everything was muted, but the world he saw was bloody and awful. A table soaked in blood and various items he realized had been the tools used to chip away at him.
The door swung open and Legend felt a surge of relief.
Warriors stood in the doorway, eyes blazing something terrifying and sword drawn. He froze where he stood.
The chest behind him shook, Legend took too long to realize it was laughter.
The captain's eyes completely slid over him, he moved to the table and called over his shoulder.
"Rancher! I got blood here!"
Why didn't he see him? Why--
The shadows always felt close, but Legend realized belatedly that the person who held him was hiding them both inside the shadows.
No. No, no, no. He couldn't--He was so close! Captain!
Nothing more than a high rasp escaped him.
The chest shook harder.
Then Wolfie entered, padding into the room and raising his nose in the air to sniff. Legend internally begged, for the first time in his life, that the hound would find him.
He tapped Warriors' leg twice with a paw.
Warriors snarled. "Find them."
Hounds couldn't follow shadows. They wouldn't find him. They wouldn't find him!
No! No!
Wait no. Stop! He wanted to scream, he tried to scream but nothing came out. His throat burned from the overuse but it wouldn't work.
He was hidden in shadows--No, he was in control of shadows. His magic wasn't wholly depleted, he could break them free, please!
"Captain!" He wanted to scream, he tried to scream, but nothing broke past his throat.
"The wall... don’t tell me it was a portal," Warriors asked Wolfie, who whined pitifully.
No! He was right here! Please!
The chest shook and a voice whispered into his ear. "So close... yet so far. I'm sure you wish you hadn't screamed so much."
Wolfie twitched, growling lowly.
Please. Please. He couldn't-- He needed--
Twilight stood in Wolfie's place. "They had to of used a portal or something that let them get through this wall. But this..." his hand hovered over the table, "this was the veteran."
Warriors growled. "The wall? Think we could break it down?"
"Probably. I smelled dark magic on it, so maybe we should call the Traveler over first."
Please. Please don't leave him. Please...
"Traveler!" Warriors called loudly.
A moment later, Sky and Hyrule came skidding into the room.
"Did you--Oh Three." Hyrule covered his mouth and retched. "Please tell me that's not his."
"They care, how adorable." Warm breath grazed over his ear and Legend sobbed, they were right there and he couldn't--he needed them to notice.
Warriors didn't respond. "There's dark magic here. Can you figure it out?"
Hyrule frowned. "I... Well, I'm not really good at tracking other people's magic and all. But it feels like... like Ravio and Wolfie to be honest, not totally dark but definitely not light, a sort of in-between, shadowy magic." His eyes glazed over pink. "I can--"
He froze, staring directly at Legend and flicking his eyes behind him.
"NO--"
The shadows converged on them and Legend could only meet Hyrule's eyes before he was dropped onto new, cold ground, listening to the laughter of the psychopath and the celebration of their escape.
He had been so close...
The pain burned through him, but even so he tried to stand. This was his one chance, wasn't it? He couldn't depend on others to save him, he had to save himself. This was his last shot, he wasn't bound, surely he could--
"Still fighting? And I'd thought I'd broken you."
Next>>
#linked universe#lu legend#linkeduniverse#legend lu#fanfic#lu warriors#lu hyrule#lu twilight#lu sky#febuwhump 2024#linked universe fanfic#linkeduniverse fanfiction#lu fanfiction#linked universe legend#prosie writes#torture#whump fic#whump#losing hope
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Not a poem, just what was on my mind today
#poems on tumblr#poetblr#poetry#short poem#my poem#poem#poetic#poets on tumblr#dark aesthetic#academia#losing hope#everything is pointless
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You say that you're afraid you're losing me, well...maybe you are.
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Is wanting to find my own Gomez Addams too much to ask for😩😢
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(Don't like don't read. Post hate and I'll block you)
anyone that says something mean about Colleen Hoover. Me cuddling her books
You guys are so judgy and mean. Her books are good. Are they oscar winning books? No. But they're actual good fun reads with good twists. I'm sorry you guys don't like fun. Sometimes I just want fun and easy reads and her books are good for my low attention span adhd brain.
(Anna Todd is not that bad either. Let me have my drama and dumpster fire romance. liking Fiction does not equal real life )
#books#colleen hoover#hopeless#it ends with us#losing hope#it starts with us#Don't like don't read. Post hate and I'll block you#anna todd
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Radio Silence - Chapter 25, Lord Buchanan
Summary: Months of progress buoy everyone’s spirits. When Bruce gets frustrated over something and wakes up as the Giant, he loses hope.
Length: 4.5 K
Characters: Lord and Lady Buchanan, Queen Jane, Bruce Banner, King Steven, the Sorceress.
Warnings: Bruce feeling like a failure, his friends worrying about him.
Author notes: Image of Bucky Barnes as Lord Buchanan is by Instagram artist Nixakimbo.
<<Chapter 24
📡 😞
In the time since Buchanan's and Ileana's daughter's birth and his father's passing much had happened in the kingdom. Just two weeks after the birth of Livia, Lord and Lady Falcon welcomed their son James Steven Wilson. Dark skinned like his father, as he grew his eyes changed to a light hazel with green accents like his mother. The look was striking in a pleasing way.
Buchanan and Ileana had both become engaged with saving the collection of books found in the remains of the building hidden in the ravine. The Sorceress put an enchantment on it that only required a password to be spoken which would allow them entry into the space. "Luceat lux" which translated to "Shine a light" was shared with a limited group of people, including Bruce, Lord and Lady Stark, William Harley, the King and Queen, King Thorn, Queen Jane, Lord and Lady Falcon, Baroness Romanoff and Silas Brenson, who despite his own self deprecation of his intellectual abilities had been shown to have as quick a mind as William Harley.
Bruce took Ileana's suggestions to heart and removed the library computers to a place in Buchanan's castle that had been set up with power generated by the sun or wind as needed. With the library's programming resources which surprisingly included many with the CD-ROMs still inside the resources he was able to reformat them and load software which they could use for scientific purposes, although they were unable to set up a network that connected the computers. Lord Stark, William Harley, Silas Brenson, and Lord and Lady Falcon proved to be quick studies in programming, grasping the basic concepts quickly and proving themselves capable of reformatting the computers and creating additional programs. Together with Queen Jane and Lady Buchanan, Bruce created a program that could run the calculations he had been working by hand. Using the CD-ROM drives, and a number of rewritable CD-ROMs that were found in a library back room, he was able to make copies of the program for all of the computers.
Regular trips were taken to the Library to pull out resources that would be of greatest use to the most people. On this particular day Buchanan, Erasmus and the Sorceress searched out resources in the Religion section that would help bolster the acceptance of technology by the masses. Erasmus was almost overwhelmed by the number of different religions there had been in ancient times. Some were puzzling to him but others held wisdom that made him wonder why the Church had suppressed the knowledge of them in the years since the calamity.
"It seems the Church was more intent on being the only place of worship to the people," he said. "They controlled so much and regarded others with different beliefs as heretical and dangerous. Lord Buchanan, you went to the Holy Land, saw and fought the supposed infidels. Were their ideas truly that dangerous?"
"Truthfully, no," said Buchanan. "They just refused to submit to the will of the Church. Perhaps that's why the Church went to war with them. I lost my will to fight the others for it seemed they just wanted to live peacefully by their beliefs, not the Church's. I am still a believer but these past years have shown me that the Church doesn't hold the patent for living the righteous path. It lives within the person."
"Well said," replied Erasmus. "You would make a good priest in the new Church. Too bad you married and had a child."
"Why should that stop anyone?" asked Buchanan.
The Sorceress smiled and looked at her cousin. "We have had this discussion many times," she said. "Perhaps enlightenment should be offered to everyone who asks for it, not just unmarried men."
Erasmus bowed his head in deference to both the Sorceress and Buchanan and they continued looking for books. Elsewhere Ileana had directed several others deeper into the Library, each with a battery torch. She gave them the numbers that she recalled from memory on engineering, mentioning the types of that applied science, including hydraulic, electrical, magnetic, communications, radio and lighting. One of her group found books on heating, propulsion and tools so they packed them as well. Together they hauled them out and strapped them into great leather satchels carried by pack horses. Outside, at the top of the ravine Ileana waited with Livia keeping her close for feedings. Seeing where the sun was located Ileana reminded Rhodes to advise Lord Buchanan it was time to leave before sunset overtook them on the trip back. Within a half hour they were on their way back, Livia in a carrier fastened to her mother's front that allowed her to feed her on horseback, if necessary.
As they rode back, Buchanan kept riding close to see his daughter. Livia had thrived since her premature birth and was very much loved and cherished by her parents. Although she had his eyes and hair, her face was very much like her mother's. Her alert curiosity took in everything on the rides to and from the ravine and as she grew older she would point at things in the trees with delight.
On one of his trips to the library Buchanan ventured deep into the structure, finding a section for children. He pulled books and toys out then brought them to Ileana whose face lit up at the items. Many of the books were ones she remembered from her own childhood. Together they often read them to their daughter. When Buchanan mentioned it to the King and to Lord Falcon they asked for some of the items themselves. The toys especially, were admired and the King found a woodworker who could recreate them for distribution throughout the kingdom.
Meanwhile Bruce and the other modern worlders, as they came to be called, continued searching out people with quick minds and teaching them about the technology of their ancestors. Using materials readily available, they attempted to recreate the building of certain things that could benefit society as a whole. Although the dissidents still grumbled about the invasion of modern technology in their quiet lives there were no more incidents of sabotage at the missile silo. An incident in a large village in the Ancient Mountains brought the advantages of using modern technology to the attention of many after a small child fell into a deep well. Using one of the battery lights attached to his head, Silas Brenson strapped on a harness copied from illustrations found in a mountain climbing book to rappel down, pluck the child from the icy water then climb back up. In front of the whole village he emerged from the well with the child secured to him, taking less than an hour from the time he entered. The child was hypothermic but using the treatment for hypothermia from a first aid book, the village healer was able to bring him around fairly quickly with no ill effects. Both Silas and the healer gave credit to the knowledge from the books for the successful rescue. The question was soon raised as to why a village could not have a small library of their own to share resources with those who lived in the surrounding area.
Baroness Romanoff, herself eight months pregnant wrote a moving letter to the King about the rescue of the child and how it helped turn the tide of opinion on the modern books. She formally requested the King look to build a number of small libraries in larger villages and create their own library system where the books would be available to all, not just the nobles. With the open support of the modern worlders a plan was drawn up to divide the books as equitably as possible and distribute them to the larger villages once a suitable building had been erected and shelves installed that could hold the books. Stone cutters, masons and wood workers welcomed the opportunity to build the structures and with the addition of solar and wind power installations to power the buildings the potential to be open in the evenings intrigued many.
Perhaps the biggest accomplishment of all was the successful building of a pair of radios by Lord Stark and William Harley. Although rudimentary in appearance both could send and receive voice messages. Initially their conversations were limited to Lord Stark's castle but when he read about transmission towers he directed his workers to build a tower a mile away and sent a message to Harley, who had wired the radio to the tower. At first they heard nothing. With some suggestions from Bruce Banner, a metal worker was conscripted to fashion two large metal saucer shaped discs that were fastened to the tower and to the side of Lord Stark's castle. Once wires connected the discs to the radios they tried again and for the first time since the first asteroid destroyed much of the civilization of their world two men conversed over the air.
By the time Prince Joseph turned one year of age most of the Lords and Baronesses had their own radio network over their estates. It was used to share news from the King, for pronouncements of events, and even warnings of severe weather. Meanwhile work continued on determining how to reprogram the missiles to target the asteroid which had now been identified and confirmed as the one that would cross paths with the world at a point in the coming years. The three silos were connected to the radio network, using the equipment onsite, and with their modern technology had greater range than the rudimentary ones.
Bruce and Queen Jane found a ham radio in a storage room in the silo whose missile had been launched. On a whim, they set it up, connected it to the local radio tower and tuned it to 145.80 MHz.
"You ever used a ham radio before?" asked Bruce. "I think we should call ourselves KBL1 for Kingdom of Broken Lands 1."
"Nope," said the Queen. "You?"
"No," he said, opening a library book on ham radio etiquette. "Here goes. CQ CQ CQ this is KBL1 calling CQ CQ CQ."
He repeated it several times but there was no response. Just radio silence. He looked at Jane.
"If there is anyone out there they could be on a break," he said. "Why don't we try every fifteen minutes for the day and if we hear nothing then we know we're on our own."
She nodded and both returned to using the computers at the silo to run calculations. Every fifteen minutes one or the other would call out to the silence, hoping to get a response. But there was nothing for the entire day.
"We should go into the evening," said Bruce. "Some operators only do it in the evening because the atmospheric conditions are better."
"I have to go," she said apologetically. "I promised Lord Stark I would come to his lab and I'll get there after dark as it is. You staying?"
"Yeah, I'm staying," said Bruce. "I brought some food. I can sleep in one of the cots of the quarters. You'll be okay on your own?"
"I think Thorn has left me a couple of guards to escort me," she smiled, patting her growing belly. "Especially since I got pregnant. Soon, I'll have to return to home to have the baby. Can't have the heir to the throne born in another kingdom, right?"
They said their goodbyes and Bruce watched as she climbed up the ladder to the outside. She shouted and waved from the top that she and her escort would be leaving. He pressed the buttons that closed the doors, locking himself into the silo. Silently he ate his rations that he brought with him, then he tried calling out on the ham radio again, repeating it for several minutes before stopping. Every hour he woke up trying for ten minutes at a time and every hour there was no response. Just before morning he stopped, disconnected everything and put it all back into the storage room. They were truly on their own.
He searched out the cot and stretched out on it after he turned off the lights. It was pitch dark inside and quiet. As tired as he was he couldn't sleep and he tossed and turned until finally he slept a dreamless sleep. When he awakened he was on the floor, the cot having broken underneath him.
"Wonderful," he said to himself as he got up off the floor in the dark.
Reaching for the light switch he was startled to see the green skin of the Hulk once again covering him. He ran to a bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. The spell that the Sorceress had laid on him the previous year was broken, returning him to his in-between state. His clothes, now in tatters, were barely enough to cover him and he groaned in agony at being once again caught in this too big body with its bad temper and excess strength. Carefully he climbed the ladder to the outside, pressing the button that would allow the doors to open. There was no one there in the pre-dawn stillness and he looked around before pressing the outside control to close the silo.
"I'm going to miss this," he said to the sky, then started running towards the ravine, back to his hut, back to his self-imposed exile.
An hour later, after the sun had risen Lord Falcon approached the silo after being informed by Queen Jane the previous night that Bruce intended to stay the night to try and make contact with the stronger radio. When he opened the silo doors he was puzzled that the lights were still on in the stairwell and went down the ladder to the level where he could turn the power on for the rest of the structure.
"Bruce?" he yelled. "Dr. Banner? Are you here?"
He went into the living quarters area, seeing the destroyed remains of the cot. He picked up the pieces thinking at first that Bruce had tried to defend himself but realized the destruction was from the weight of too heavy a body sleeping on the cart. Noticing the several pieces of torn cloth that he recognized as clothing worn by Bruce, he deduced what likely happened. Returning to the main control room he sat in front of the radio connected to the network and turned it on, tuning it to Lord Buchanan's receiver.
"This is Silo 2 contacting Lord Buchanan, over," he said, then repeated it.
"Go ahead Silo 2, Buchanan here," came his voice.
"Buck, we have a problem," said Falcon. "Bruce has turned back into the Giant. He's gone from Silo 2. He was staying all night trying to get a ham radio to work. His cot is in pieces and there are the remains of his clothes on the floor. Over."
"Damn," said Buchanan. "He was worried that he was spreading himself too thin and this would happen. I'm hoping he returned to his hut. I'll take a trip out there with a change of clothes. Can you contact the Sorceress? Perhaps she can put a new spell on him. Over."
"Alright, I will," said Sam. "This couldn't have happened at a worse time. Queen Jane plans to return to the Kingdom of the Green Lands to prepare for her baby. Those two handled the lion's share of the science. What will we do without them? Over."
"I know," said Buchanan. "Let me try to talk to him. Over and out."
Lord Falcon retuned the radio to the King's frequency and advised him what had happened. Like Buchanan he was concerned for Bruce and promised to contact the Sorceress immediately. In fact, after he sought her out he asked her to come with him to the Giant's hut..
"I'm not sure I can make him human again," she said. "Something happened in his mind that changed him back in his sleep."
"I'm not asking you to change him back," said the King. "In fact, I think it better we get him to accept his condition. I want you to show him, truly show him what a difference he has made to our kingdom. We need him, Sorceress. We need his mind and his ability to teach. He doesn't have to be human to do that."
She nodded and prepared to leave with the King. His garrison commander saw the King preparing his horse, immediately asking the King how many guards he wanted.
"None," he said. "I go to comfort a friend and assure him that I accept him as he is. Sending guards with me would go against my intent. I won't be alone, as the Sorceress accompanies me and we will meet Lord Buchanan there. Trust me on this, please."
Almost two hours later they met Lord Buchanan at the path that led to the Giant's hut. He led Bruce's two cows and his bull behind them and also a pack horse with food, clothes and Bruce's work.
"I thought if we couldn't convince him to return then I should at least bring him the comforts of living," said Buchanan. "He is in his hut. I saw the smoke from his chimney as I approached from my estate."
Together the three rode their horses towards the stone hut. Surprisingly Magnus did not seem bothered as they got closer and for a moment Buchanan wondered if the Sorceress had cast a spell. She smiled and said that she hadn't, almost as if she heard his thought as if he spoke out loud. They tied their horses up and put the cows into one paddock and the bull into another. Buchanan knocked on the door.
"Bruce, please come out," he said.
He could hear the Giant inside, moving, and knocked again.
"Please, friend, come out and talk to us," said Buchanan.
"Who else is with you?" growled Bruce.
"Come out and see," said Buchanan when the Sorceress put her finger to her lips for him not to tell.
With a sigh Bruce got up off his chair and came to the door, opening it wide. "Your Majesty, Sorceress," he said, surprised. "You came to see me?"
"Of course," said King Steven. "When I heard what happened I wanted to be here for my friend, you, so that you knew this doesn't change how we see you, the real you. You're a teacher, and a scientist and you've made a big difference to this kingdom. The man on the outside is different but it is the man on the inside that we care about."
He came out into the sunshine with a sigh and noticed his cows and bull in their paddock. "Yet it looks like you're expecting me to stay here," he said bitterly.
"No," said Buchanan. "I only brought them if you proved to be stubborn enough not to listen to friends. I even brought your great clothes and food, including coffee, if you decided not to return with us. I didn't want you to be without some comforts."
"And you, Sorceress," said Bruce, appraisingly. "Were you going to try again to return me to the stature of a man?"
"Only if you wanted it," she said. "I was asked to show you how important you are to all of us. You are, you know. It's why this version of you was stranded here so long ago. You make a difference Bruce. To all of us. May I?"
She held her hands out to him in a gesture of requesting permission to touch him. With his consent she positioned her petite frame in front of him and lifted her hands to his temple. Then she began showing him his own memories of his time from when he was first befriended by the elder James Barnes, to when he helped protect Buchanan's lands from the attack by Lord Pierce. That was followed by the faces of the people who turned to him for knowledge and instruction on the vast treasure trove of science that needed to be unlocked to face the asteroid threat. She finished with the trust Buchanan had shown him when Ileana went into labour prematurely and his assistance at Livia's birth, as well as becoming her god parent at her christening. When she was done she stepped back.
"Have I misrepresented anything?" she asked. "Did what I show you proceed exactly as you remember?"
He nodded. "I'm afraid," he admitted. "Afraid of losing my temper and lashing out with my hand and hurting someone. I was frustrated last night. Jane and I spent hours trying to contact someone with the ham radio and all we got was radio silence. Surely, there should have been someone who was still on the air."
"Maybe there was hundreds of years ago," said Buchanan. "Maybe like the crew at Silo 2 they lost hope and gave up. We know from the Mars books that some of our people made it to that planet. Perhaps they are there still, looking at us through their telescopes and longing for the day they can return home. Or perhaps they also gave up and perished on that alien world."
"The important thing is we're not giving up," said the King. "Bruce, your knowledge gives us hope. Against all odds our ancestors survived and reverted to an ancient system of government to build again. We are at a crossroads now as we reclaim our lost knowledge but we need a teacher to understand it all and like it or not, you're the teacher. Don't hide in this forest as Bruce the Giant again. Take your place in our kingdom as Dr. Bruce Banner, scientist and teacher, friend to a king, many lords, ladies, and every subject that lives here."
Bruce smiled. "You're as good a man as your namesake in my world, Steve," he said looking the King in the eye. "He had a way of making you feel you could do the impossible. Alright, I'll return to Buchanan's castle, since he already has furniture built to accommodate my XXXXL size. You do, don't you?"
Buchanan nodded with a grin. "I can easily have more built to accommodate you," he said. "For now, I have clothes you can change into so you look the part of honoured teacher and scientist. Let's go home, Bruce."
Banner took the clothes and went into his hut. He came out a short time later looking more civilized. He closed the door and took his cows and bull out of the paddock. Then he looked at the three of them.
"Thank you," he said. "I was feeling very low when I got here, like I had failed everyone. I forgot that failure is a basic part of science. It's how we learn. I won't forget again."
"Good," said King Steven. "Now the Sorceress and I are going to return to the Palace. You may be interested to know that I will be receiving a delegation from our southern neighbours tomorrow. The same ones that joined with Prince Loke to wage war against us. The trade of coffee for precious metals has gone well and they are looking for more trade goods, like fine woven linens, wooden toys for their children, and radios. I'm hoping they've done some digging themselves and have found scientific installations that can help all of us when we solve our asteroid problem. We may come out and see you in a few days. I'll radio if we do. Farewell good friends. Safe trip."
He and the Sorceress mounted their horses as Buchanan did the same. They journeyed together to the path that split. One pair went to the ravine while the others took the path towards the estate. Buchanan and Bruce stopped once, availing themselves of the food stuffs that were brought in the event Bruce stayed at his hut. They sat overlooking a small pond while Magnus and the livestock grazed on the sweet grass nearby.
"Magnus doesn't seem afraid of you anymore," said Buchanan. "I noticed it when we arrived. At first I thought the Sorceress had done something but she said she hadn't."
"Perhaps he senses something greater," said Bruce. "I'm no longer afraid of myself. That's why I lived out there away from everyone. I was afraid of losing control and hurting someone. Living as a man the past year has been good for me. They'll have to get used to me like this but if your great horse can anyone can."
"You know, we could breed Magnus to a large mare," said Buchanan. "After some careful breeding we may be able to get a horse big enough to carry you. That would be an imposing sight."
"No thank you," laughed Bruce. "I don't really want to learn to ride at my age. I'm too old for that."
"How old are you?" asked Buchanan.
"In my world I was 56 when I found myself transported here," replied Bruce. "I've been here at least 10 years easily so I guess I'm 66."
"You don't look it," declared Buchanan. "Not even in your human state. Perhaps your giant keeps you looking young."
After enjoying their break they began walking back to the estate and soon came to the first of many farms. The farmers came out to their fences to greet Lord Buchanan as he passed. They all recognized Bruce, asking if he would be looking like that from now on. He and Buchanan took turns confirming it. To a man the farmers just nodded their heads and turned back to their work. When they approached the castle they looked at the north entrance then at the regular south entrance.
"I say we go in together," said Buchanan. "If the horses react well then we know they have accepted you. If they don't, I'll clear the north entrance for you."
Not really sure what to expect the two men entered the courtyard which had several horses being saddled. As Magnus and Bruce's livestock walked in the other horses glanced at them and didn't react to Bruce at all. He walked up the steps into the castle with Buchanan and turned back to look out over the courtyard.
"I guess I am home," said Bruce, with a small smile.
The two men walked inside to get his oversized furniture out of storage and placed in the largest bedroom again. Ileana came out of the reception hall carrying Livia, who held her arms out, not to her father, but her transformed god father who gently held her as she laughed and babbled at him. He was home indeed.
Chapter 26>>
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#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfiction#buckybarnes original female character#steve rogers#medieval bucky#bucky barnes au#james buchanan barnes au#bruce banner#losing hope
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Am I always gonna feel this empty? Why am I even trying to keep going?
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Life keeps going, but my will isn't really here.
#personal#vent#mental breakdown#mentally unstable#mentally ill#mentally fucked#su1cide#tw sui ideation#tw sui implied#suicudal#depressing shit#kinda depressing#tw depressing stuff#losing hope#hopeless#depressing life#i hate my life#i hate myself#i hate this#life sucks#i don't want to be here#mental illness#tw depressing thoughts#this is depressing#sorry for being depressing#i wish i was better#i wish i was never born#i wish i wasnt like this#i wish i wasnt me#i hate my brain
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I'm not sure if I have a future anymore.
You know it's the new year now. I've just been really down. Not seeing a future for me anymore. Lately a lot of stuff has came out about the predoicted events of 2024 like alien invasions, wars, cyber attacks and whatnot. You can look it up. I'm not sure if I believe it or not sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. And then billionaires now building bunkers before the winter of this year in case of apocalyptic times that they fucking caused and then there's the zombie deer disease. It's just wearing me down. It's hard to keep your spirit up and look to the future when all I see is dispair. I'm supposed to keep up good grades, graduate then June, and go to college in the fall. I'm supposed to learn and make a good future for myself. It's hard to do than when I feel like I'm fighting for a future I'm not going to have. The way the worlds going theres a chance I won't live to graduate college anyway. I feel like just stopping school and just doing what I want to because it feels like the end is near. The world is just fucked up. And I wish it wasn't like this. It makes you not like people honestly. I put faith in animals more than people. I feel bad they have to live in this world.
I started hearing about this stuff last year but I still tried to keep my hopes up and it worked until today. I feel like crying while typing this because it's just all horrible.
Like I said it could just be hearsay, people making up stuff and a plan for people to just buy a bunch of stuff because that always happens each year. Like my mom told me about the time they said the world would end in the early 2000s and people went crazy buying stuff and nothing ever happened. It could be that. I pray it's that. But this shit feels real. Then the globalwarming, it's getting hotter every fucking year, the ocean is getting higher, Venice, Italy is sinking, the ocean is full of trash. I just can't take this shit.
I just had so many plans for my future. I'm trying to hold on buts it's so hard. I'm losing hope. I'm starting to not see a future for me or anyone else. Not a good one atleats if we're still alive.
Only God knows what's going to happen.
And all I can think about is my family. It's huge. Not to mention my friends. I don't want to lose anyone.
I wish we were still in the simpler times before COVID. If only we knew what we would be dealing with in the future.
I don't know. What do you guys think?? Any advice or anything??
Thanks for listening to me. I really needed to let this out.
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