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kristsingto · 18 days

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Thinking about the Mock-Trailer for The Ex-Morning

Pathapi is said to be the Best Reporter of the Year in the beginning. How. I want to know his career accomplishments so badly? I need to know how he got here!

I’ve been considering why Pathapi acts the way he does in the beginning. Has he always been like, since his university days? Or was it perhaps heartbreak and the passage of time that’s made him more like this?

Aou is being made to play the exasperated best friend in Be My Favorite and the rival with coffee thrown on him in The Ex-Morning. Someone give both characters a raise. And a boyfriend!

I looooove the trope of the arrogant, whiny jerkass in a successful position who gets humbled. And that paired with him rebuilding his reputation with his ex-boyfriend of all people? I am so ready to see Pathapi’s character arc, and the things Tamtawan makes him do in this trailer makes me think he’ll get more in-tune with the spirit of good reporting and why it’s so important.

How does Tamtawan know and decide to come back? Obviously, he wants to help Pathapi and is still in love with him, but why did he leave? WHY DID HE LEAVE? Later in the trailer, when present-day Tamtawan leaves, it’s after he’s told “Tam. You have two options now.” What are the two options? The way Tamtawan leaves and the look on his face makes him look regretful, but what exactly is motivating him trying to leave here? Why did he leave in the first place? Does Pathapi know? His face looks half confused rather than just heartbroken!

What has Tamtawan been up to? I am intrigued.

The SOTUS reference in their university days flashback? I am obsessed. They were so sweet in that one frame, it makes me wonder how they fell in love. How different were they? How much of the same remains in them? How did they fall in love? Oh my god!

The transition from Pathapi being awkward with shirtless only-clothed-in-a-towel Tamtawan to taking his own shirt off and asking if Tamtawan has an ulterior motive to fluster him is hilarious to me. I love how forward Pathapi is here! And Tamtawan getting flustered is amazing. Oh my god, I love this trailer. It balances a comedic tone, angst, tension, etc all in one show. Can’t help but adore it.

“You’re still the same selfish jerk.” I need to know what happened! I said this above and I’m saying it again. I am intrigued.

Uni Tamtawan pulling Pathapi by his tie? I am obsessed.

The umbrella scene is both so very P’Lit and so very much a SOTUS reference, it delights me. I wonder how many SOTUS references we’ll have in the show proper.

I wonder if the car accident will coincide with the climax of the show.

That! Last! Scene! I suppose this is a scene when they’re hooking up but not properly together, seeing as they’re flirting, shirtless, and probably just had sex, but still won’t admit they still like each other. This sounds great to me.

I’ve mostly not talked about the meta elements here, because I feel it’s less about the contents of the actual trailer and more about the nature of the series as such a KristSingto RPF-type plot. Anyway, I love it. Everything about the meta of this series is perfect to me, and exactly what I wanted. This show is SO fun to think about when you know about the lore of KristSingto in real life. I’m half expecting Tamtawan to have hazed Pathapi at this point!

Side note that is not a side note: I LOVE THEIR ACTING! I love their characters!

Is this vers? I’m going to say it’s vers or Top Krist until proven wrong, because that last scene? Well. Let’s put the KristSingto into the KristSingto.

I love the small cast and the focus on KristSingto! I just need to say this. I am so excited for this comeback, in-part because it really is just Tamtawan and Pathapi’s story.

Tamtawan is supposed to mean “follow” and “sun” whereas Pathapi means earth/soil/ground. Coming off of KongArt, where Arthit is obviously “sun,” and KristSingto, who compare themselves to the sun and moon, this seems so definitely meaningful. Aof and Lit, I need to know what you’re cooking!

The coals scene is sooooo perfect, both for the characters AND KristSingto themselves. Again bringing it back to the meta of it all, but, oh my god? This is perfect? Aof wrote a screenplay that was KristSingto RPF? On that note, I keep thinking about the idea of KristSingto channeling their feelings from the irl work-partner “break up” and it makes me go a little crazy. Especially with Krist talking about all his efforts to bring Singto back, and how he over-thought it when Singto left. And even more so seeing as they say they’re basically playing themselves.

The lyrics of the song used in the trailer are so fitting, I am now looping it and thinking about Pathapi and Tamtawan forever and ever.

I noticed that Tamtawan goes by “Tam” but did I miss it for Pathapi in the trailer, or do we get no indication of his nickname? I’m curious.

The “Begin Again” for the new Peraya Party speaks to both KristSingto and their new characters, and this is again making me go, oh god it’s true they’re just playing themselves.

I said my ideal KristSingto BL was a vers exes-to-lovers that parallels reality. Evidently, I was not alone.

Is it just me, or do the Pathapi + animals and Pathapi + soil degradation water scenes feel a lot like certain episodes of Friendship with KristSingto? Just me? Maybe it’s just Krist. I love him so dearly.

So much is revealed in this trailer, but that somehow makes me more intrigued about what is not being revealed to us?

Krist still goes for the top lip and Singto still goes for the bottom lip when they kiss. This kills me every time. I am so excited to see lovey-dovey Tamtawan and Pathapi!

#sou post #krist perawat #singto prachaya #kristsingto #gmmtv 2024 #gmmtv #the ex morning #the ex-morning #pathapitamtawan #im just loggin down my thoughts for the future.

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uncle-fruity · 2 years

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my much younger friend took T for a smaller period of time and de-transitioned when it didn't help her mental health, it did harm her singing voice permanently. she lost her upper range but didn't take it long enough to gain on the alto/tenor front, she cannot sing some of her own songs anymore. please don't dismiss what she went through, I hate that I was so casual in encouraging her to try this while knowing that she was a professional vocalist.

So, the thing about this is that T is not something that should be taken lightly. It should be something that the person taking it has thoroughly considered, understands, and has come to terms with.

And, I mean, I get it. Sometimes you don't know what you want until you try it and realize it isn't for you. Deciding that you don't vibe with the trans identity and de-transitioning is extremely valid, and it's okay to be disappointed with the results of taking hormones; it's okay to regret it. I would never claim that hormones are for everyone, or that hormones will give you your most ideal body, or that taking hormones makes you a better, more valid trans person. So, before you start taking hormones, it's extremely important to check in with yourself and figure out what your transition goals are, what the hormone could do to your body that you aren't fond of, and come to terms with the fact that, yes, taking hormones will permanently change you in many ways. Are you prepared for that? If things go sideways, will you resent yourself for trying anyway? If you aren't sure, you shouldn't rush into it no matter what the people around you are telling you to do.

HRT is a deeply personal decision, and I personally think it should be prefaced with a LOT of self reflection and self awareness. Under no circumstances should it be taken as a quick fix to underlying mental health issues, because that stuff doesn't just disappear because your body changes. Even dysphoria can persist through hormone therapy. And though hormones can be majorly beneficial & ease a lot of discomfort/distress if you're dysphoric about your gender presentation, HRT should not be the only treatment a dysphoric person should seek out. Mental health needs to be addressed, when possible, with a professional, with a healthy support system, and with a lot of hard personal internal work. Or as many of those things as the individual can manage. I'm sorry it has to be like this.

Also, is your friend's voice permanently harmed or permanently changed? Because there's a big difference there. Will she never be able to sing anything again? Has a professional told her that? Has a doctor looked at the state of her vocal chords? How long has it been since she stopped taking T? Has she tried training with her new voice to see if she can find a range that works for her? Can she sing nothing, or can she just not sing stuff she used to sing? Can she not make new songs of her own to sing with her new range? How young is she? AFAB voices don't finish changing until well into their mid/late-20s, maybe even later. So depending on how young your much younger friend is, her voice may have even more changes to go through, more richness to develop with time. Is her voice truly, honest to god harmed or does she feel that way because she's in the middle of processing grief & loss? The whole framing of this feels a little bad faith to me, tbh.

And like... not to be rude, but is it possible that you're feeling guilty about the encouragement you gave her and have projected dismissal of how serious a decision HRT is onto my post because you feel like you were dismissive at the time? A post which was largely meant for transmascs already pretty sure they want to go on T & need to hear about positive experiences -- and not a post that was written under the assumption that those transmascs will become one of the small percentage of people who choose to de-transition (which, again, super valid! but not what I was talking about, not who I was centering in that post). A post that can be summed up as, "There's nothing inherently bad about taking T, vocal drop is change not irreparable damage and singing skills can be rebuilt. Don't let TERF rhetoric scare you if you're under the impression that T will make you incapable of singing, just be prepared to say good bye to your current voice." I even included a whole paragraph expressing how it's okay & normal to have strong feelings about the changes, and how it's healthier and more responsible to seek out therapy or supportive peers.

So idk anon. I'm sorry your friend is (assumedly) having difficult emotions around her HRT experience. Maybe it would be good to seek out de-transition positivity posts to show her that she's not alone in her experiences and that it's okay that she went through a big change and came out different on the other side. That doesn't make her less worthy of expressing herself with her voice. That doesn't make her smaller or stupid or ruined or damaged. It just means that things are different. And maybe she just needs to know that there's a place for her, that even if everything you said is true about her voice being permanently harmed (again, I'm SO dubious of that claim, especially coming from a random anon) -- even if that was true, and that door was closed to her, there will be so much time for her to find new doors to open in her life, new ways to fit into the world, new passions or skills that she might not have thought possible before. Maybe she needs to hear that she isn't broken, and she didn't destroy her future. Maybe she needs to hear that it's okay if her expectations fall short, because honestly that happens a lot in life, and no one is fully in control of their future. Maybe she needs to know that it's okay that she is who she is, no matter what changes she went through or will go through.

Cheers anon

#there's something to be said about the intersection of this kind of talk and the way we view disability btw #also something to be said about capitalism and art and how we judge our worthiness of self expression on how profitable it is #also something to be said about the pressure put on people to transition in order to feel trans enough #how that can backfire and then the nuance be muddled and used against trans folks systemically #anyway detransitioning is not a tragedy #it is also just a change #detrans positivity #in the last paragraph at least #hrt #transgender #transmasc #detransition #testosterone #ask box #anon ask #more like anon criticism tbh

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arabellaflynn · 1 year

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The last load of Amazon boxes contained a microphone. It is a Shure SM48 handheld vocal mic, with dynamic cardioid pickup.

This is a piece of professional audio equipment. Not a pricey one -- they're about $40 -- but not the sort of thing you'd buy for fucking around with your friends on Discord. It hooks up with balanced stereo cables, and you have to run it through an amp to do anything with the signal, or an audio interface box if you want to get the sound into a computer. It is well-fortified and feels like it was carved out of a chunk of solid metal. It would probably survive being used to drive framing nails. Or being handed to your drummer. Same thing.

It came with a stand adapter, a zippered case, and a warranty card. It did not come with any instructions. They figure if you've got one of these you probably already know how it works.

It was on my Amazon list because these things are really good for general environmental sound. I've used them at work to mic everything from the piano in ballet classes to the entire cabaret theater for small shows. And despite that, I'm not sure I ever would have managed to buy one for myself.

When most of your life involves worrying about having no money, suddenly having a contextually-significant sum of money can be almost as bad. It should be great! Now you have FUNDS to fix all those THINGS you've been putting off! Except there are always going to be more Things than Funds, because you've been putting the Things off for a very long time. And you never know what Things might come up in the near future. Such is the nature of Things -- they like to jump out at you from behind the bushes right when you least expect it.

So you have to triage. Rent first. It's a million times harder to take care of anything else if you're unhoused. Most other creditors have some tolerance for late payments, with or without fees, especially if you call them to explain nicely first. You need to get to work, so you need gas money or transit fare, and probably internet if you do anything at all from home, and a phone if you do anything at all outside it.

After that you have to wrestle with a lot of things that are more problematic.

Do I really need new shoes? Like right now? Can't I just make do with the ones I have? Do they have to be new new, or just less dead than the current pair? Well, what can I afford? Oof, that much. I technically have it, but if I spend it, then it won't be there anymore. A pair of good shoes would be best and would last a lot longer, but then what do I do in the meantime? What if something else happens and I regret spending so much? There's no good way to convert shoes back to money in a hurry.

When things get bad enough, I do it with groceries. I go into the supermarket thinking about what I want to have in the house, then I see the prices on all of it and I ask myself, "Do I really need it that badly?" And no, I do not. I do need to buy something, but don't need any one specific thing in that store, so I wander around picking things up and putting them back and doing a lot of very stressed-out math. Eventually I buy more rat veggies and some random shit for that night's dinner just so I can go home.

Buying work equipment is similarly troublesome. On top of the "what if I need that money later?" element, there's also a sense of obligation to only invest in supplies that will eventually make that expenditure back. You can do a lot with a USB desk mic. It won't be as good as using the Shure through an audio capture box, but it'll work. How do I know that spending $40 on a microphone (and then coughing up for the cable and other accessories) will get me enough extra gigs to get that $40 back? Forty bucks is a week of groceries for me, or the broadband bill. When you're in a position where you regularly run out of transit fare, that is a significant enough investment to be scary.

Putting things off when you don't have the funds to deal with them is a lot easier if you decide that things like convenience and self-actualization are luxuries beyond your reach. It's very practical until you hit the point where you literally cannot afford to live no matter what you cut from the budget. Then you start making what probably look like weird, childish decisions, but are really just your last desperate attempts to be slightly less fucked-over by the whole ongoing situation. There is some help available when you're incredibly poor, but it takes time and effort to find it and convince people you need it, and it is only the absolute basics. The attitude is not just "this is all the help we can afford to give you", but "this is all you deserve until you shape up and make some money". You spend your tax return on a new TV, and blow a few hours of overtime on takeout and acrylic nails, because these are the 'nice things' accessible to you in that moment, and you are the only person who ever actually gives two shits about whether you are in any way comfortable.

One of my most dearly beloved teachers has moved his weekly class to another studio. They haven't answered me yet about their workstudy program, and he doesn't have the power to comp me in exchange for work, so I'm stuck paying money. Things unexpectedly worked out -- this time -- but until then, my plan for dealing with it consisted of not buying groceries, Googling how long it would take me to get to the West End on foot, and trying to figure out how far my overdraft protection would go.

There's enough to eat in the pantry right now, but I would have done the same if there weren't. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is the wrong decision, but also that there isn't a right one. It's the uncomfortable overlap between "adults understand that sometimes you make big sacrifices to get what you want" and "adults understand that sometimes dreams are stupid and your wishes are unimportant". I can walk a lot and be hungry and indebted, or I can be bored and restless and heartbroken. There is no option where I do not suffer, so I might as well do what I want.

I have no coherent conclusion here. Capitalism sucks, I guess.

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bowie-boy · 3 years

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NOTES: For the first eleven episodes of Community I wasn’t keeping track of trans Jeff moments but I will when I rewatch. I also starred the key trans Jeff episodes (imo of course)

Without further ado...

Every transcoded Jeff Winger moment (I can remember) because he’s a trans man:

1x12*

getting punched in the face is his “male rite of passage” according to Pierce

1x14

“I’ve never been someone’s dirty little secret” the fact that he is now?? Transcoded

“I’m afraid of things getting official. If you say it you might later have to UNsay it.” Jeff was definitely terrified of coming out and realizing he was faking it huh

1x17*

Jeff is uncomfortable wearing short shorts in public and wants to wear his own clothes, he gets very uncomfortable when questioned about it

Abed says Jeff is 30% the trans guy from Boys Don’t Cry

Once again! Gets very defensive when accused of being panties

Coping with hypermasculinity is so trans

1x20

“What is THIS Jeff?” “My chest????” “What are you packing in these pants” “guys-“ this entire exchange is trans

1x25

Jeff being so done with tr*nny dance

That moment of him and Troy with the trans cookie in the same frame >>>

2x01

“An old drinking buddy who may or may not have had a sex change” makes Jeff cut Abed off and ask questions, I think he got nervous

2x03*

Blood test at a physical! Testosterone

2x06

Jeff is very protective over his suit

2x07

Jeff and Troy laughing about Y chromosomes because they don’t have them 😌 (yes Troy is trans too)

2x08

very proud of his chest, doesn’t want to cover it up at all

Jeff is very quiet during the period conversation

(I’m actually writing a fic about Jeff’s coming out that takes place during this episode)

2x10*

Jeff looking so confused and annoyed when Pierce said “I broke my legs not my gender”

Jeff giving Troy a manhood experience for his birthday!!!

2x12

all the women enter the same bathroom as Jeff

2x15

Pierce reading a supportive speech in case Britta is LGBTQ+ and telling Jeff to “wait for the one” he has for him

2x17

Jeff uses nipple guards when running

2x18*

“Abed...can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone else?”

Jeff had to wear a girl’s costume for Halloween

“Everyone kept saying what a pretty little girl. After a while, I stopped correcting them. What was the point?” Wow TRANS

2x21

“You disqualified yourself from this conversation [about women] the second you decided to grow a wang” “I regret nothing”

3x04

Jeff keeps his toiletries in a safe

3x05

Jeff being a vampire is transcoded I don’t elaborate

3x06* (this is just a great Jeff ep in general)

Threw a gay party and it was great

His dad fucking DISOWNED HIM?????

3x09*

“foosball was just masculine enough to get by without throwing it catching”

Jeff had a pony tail as a kid

“I changed my clothes, my hair, my personality”

“Foosball is how I defined myself as a man”

Jeff wearing a hoodie at the end of the episode?????

3x12*

Jeff “has bad posture and sometimes looks like he has boobs” according to Britta, a statement which made him uncomfortable and deflated his self esteem

Jeff really wants the award for most handsome young man

3x13-14

Flannel

3x17

“A man’s got to have a code. I can only assume a woman has an equivalent to that, like a codette or something” okay trans

3x19

Jeff really doesn’t like being separated from his jackets

4x01

I just think Jeff leading a dance with another man who is in drag is very trans coded okay

4x02

Jeff is so obsessed with his body that he must be a trans man proud of his transition

4x05*

“Jeff’s at the point in his life where he needs a strong father figure to come out to” is this not canon trans man

“You seem like a self made man.” “I mean, I kind of had to be.”

The entire scar thing

Jeff’s stepbrother or half brother or whatever being too “soft” for his father to like?? But Jeff who is hypermasc still not being enough????? Okay canon trans

4x07*

Jeff is really enjoying his manly barber shave

4x10

everyone bought Jeff a hoodie for Christmas

4x11

Jeff is really scared of commitment to things regarding permanent choices or his own identity, maybe he struggled with this for his transition when he was younger

5x04

Jeff “would rather look at himself naked than the people he sleeps with” because he’s proud of his transition

5x07

Jeff and Duncan did a boys’ night! Maybe Duncan knew him before he transitioned and it made Jeff uncomfy until now

5x08

“my penis needs no enlargement” proud of his transition af

5x11*

Jeff is/was obsessed with GI Joe which was like Thee boys’ cartoon

He can’t visualize his future which is trans

They bought him an it’s a boy mug 🥺

6x04

Jeff is really supportive of the dean’s sexuality, literally trans

Like Frankie is basically canonically a lesbian or at least queercoded

The dean is canonically queer

Why else would Jeff be there if not for the fact that he’s trans

6x05

Jeff getting mad when someone says he hits like a girl and taking his shirt off

6x06

Jeff is stressed about his emails being leaked —> he got outed?

6x08

Jeff is really proud of his scenes in the movie, he wants the world to see him fully transitioned and how manly he is

6x10

Jeff hoodie trans

He won’t shut up about cars because he wants to seem big and manly

Also in general his halloween costumes are all hypermasc. I think the study group really helped Jeff feel better about his gender identity and really made him feel safe. Thanks for reading!

#jack’s posts #community #jeff winger #trans jeff winger #trans jeff #long post

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thefirstknife · 3 years

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Iron Lord Saladin Forge

Season of the Lost dropped some major lore about Saladin and I love every piece of it so I will make a huge post detailing stuff about and what's important.

The lore is on Iron Banner armour which you can see in-game when you go to the armour section. The lore is the same on each class so it doesn't matter which one you read. It's in the order of how armour is set, so helmet -> arm piece -> chest piece -> leg piece -> class item. There's some extras on Iron banner weapons that I'll add as well.

The rest under the cut due to length and also spoilers!

I'll link to the Hunter gear because I'm a dirty Hunter main and I read it from there and that's what I have open because I couldn't remember the names for other two classes, but the lore is the same on all of them. The set is called Iron Forerunner.

We haven't really had any substantial Saladin lore in D2 besides few lore pieces from Chosen and Splicer. Not nearly enough I think, especially since he wasn't properly introduced in D2 at all and it was kinda assumed that everyone would know about him from the Rise of Iron expansion in D1. He had plenty of voice lines, but with no real context. His voice lines in Season of the Chosen were interesting, but also made a lot of people think he's a bad person and a warmongering coward who sat on his butt during the Red War and was then preaching action for action's sake.

The situation is obviously more complex, but I've always said that it's Bungie fault for not explaining more about him prior to his involvement in the Season of the Chosen. Well, now we got some really interesting information at last!

Anyway, helmet first!

Flavour text:

"Some know the legend. We threw ourselves on the blades of tyranny so others may live free." —Lord Saladin

This is referencing the Iron Lords' fight against the Warlords in the Dark Age. Saladin is heavily influenced by his time in the Dark Age. It seems like some really old Guardians never get over the trauma of living through that (Drifter is another example). Side note: this could also be referencing the battle against SIVA since Rasputin is also known as "The Tyrant." It's not fully relevant tho, as Saladin was equally affected by both periods in his life.

This first entry details something we don't really think about when it comes to Guardians: death. It's a temporary thing with them so it doesn't really matter. But Saladin recounts how he remembers his deaths and how each one felt. Despite the fact that he will be brought back, the pain and struggle of dying are very real. There is also the associated trauma of the realisation that you will go through this over and over and over:

He laughed when his Ghost reassembled him. Then, he cried.

It's not something mentioned often, and definitely wasn't a point raised with Saladin. It gives some context to how seriously he takes combat, training and the lives of his fellow Guardians.

Saladin remembers the day he stopped counting deaths. "Something about you is different," Jolder had said, and put her hand on his.

This explains that his worldview of the role of Lightbearers changed the moment he was invited to become an Iron Lord. It's also important to remember that he loved Lady Jolder very much (in whichever way you want to interpret it) and that watching her make the choice to die a final death has had a heavy impact on him.

Saladin remembers all this and more when he looks at the Crow. He feels rage form a hot pit in his belly when Osiris tells him about the young Lightbearer's suffering at the hands of his fellow Guardians. Osiris asks him if he can keep a secret.

"I don't like secrets," Saladin says, and that's the end of it.

Saladin doesn't really say this during Chosen and his interactions with Crow, but it's evident from this that he cares deeply about the young Light who suffered in ways Saladin only remembers people suffering during the Dark Age. It's also important to note that the Osiris he speaks to here is Savathun. Saladin seems to be uniquely unaffected by Savathun's schemes. This will repeat itself again later.

Second, arms piece.

Flavour text:

"Some know the legend. We were forged in the fires of a burning world." —Lord Saladin

Same thing as before. Referencing the post-Collapse Dark Age. The lore tab details a really tragic story of the Iron Lords burying bodies, including the implication of Saladin burying the body of a child. He recalls that these people were victims of Fallen Raiders.

"It's a vicious circle," Efrideet had said as she tied off a funeral shroud with great care. Saladin remembers the bundle being very small. "One day, I'm going to break it."

Saladin remembers how easily the body fit in his arms, how light it felt as he laid it in the grave. He remembers, with shame, pretending not to hear Efrideet's words so he wouldn't need to respond to them.

He remembers not having anything kind to say.

He obviously regrets not having a stronger stance on this in the past. Where Efrideet seems to have always been keen on ending the cycle of violence, he clearly thought differently and is now ashamed of it. This transitions into more about his relation to Crow:

Saladin remembers all this and more whenever the Crow talks back to him. Sometimes, he bites down on the inside of his cheek. Sometimes, he looks up to find his Ghost focused on him with a knowing look.

He doesn't say anything to his Ghost either.

Because Crow was saying things that reminded him of Efrideet. Breaking the cycles of violence, extending a friendly hand, not treating everyone like an enemy. It's evident that this turmoil is still inside of him as someone who spent most of his time fighting for survival, only to be told by those younger than him that there's a way out of that war. It's a very common struggle of people dealing with trauma and specifically PTSD to not be able to imagine and/or live in a world of peace and to outright reject the possibility of peace ever existing. Saladin is very clearly dealing with that and here, we see it from his own POV: despite sometimes being harsh to Crow, there were times when he chose to say nothing because deep down he knows that Crow is right. Accepting that is a long process though.

Third, chest piece.

Flavour text:

"Some know the legend. We rose from the ashes of a dying world to save humanity from itself." —Lord Saladin

Same again, but this is an interesting way to phrase it. He's talking about humanity being a danger to itself, not about any external threat. Ultimately, the Traveler's gift was the first thing that harmed humanity post-Collapse, despite later being the thing that saved it.

This leads into Saladin's thoughts on the Red War, something we've been sorely missing for a very long time.

Saladin remembers losing his connection to the Light. He remembers thinking that the Traveler must have discovered his most secret doubts; the darkest thoughts he shared with no one—not even his Ghost. He remembers the strange sense of relief that had washed over him until his radio crackled to life just moments later.

His deepest secret? Probably that Light is a burden. When he lost the connection to the Light, he specifically thought it had only happened to him and then felt relief. Freedom from the eternal war he has to keep waging. I'm sure he feels incredible shame for thinking it would be better to just lose the Light and die a final death, but alas, he is bound by duty. Especially a Titan's duty.

He stands there thinking about it for a while before finally deciding to embrace that duty. And now we know what he was doing during the Red War:

"Saladin," his Ghost said again, and Saladin remembers moving. He remembers clutching his radio and rallying survivors—those strong enough to make the journey—to the Iron Temple.

It's been abbreviated as him "sitting out" the Red War because he didn't fight. Of course it was strange that the last remaining active Iron Lord did not show up to the City to fight alongside all the others, both Guardians and ordinary humans. That Lord Saladin, someone who endured so many hardships and fought so many battles since the Dark Age, hasn't come to help humanity in its time of greatest need.

But now this hits different. He didn't fight, yes. He couldn't. Losing the Light wasn't just something that made him scared (like all Lightbearers): it was something that made him scared of how he might actually enjoy dying a glorious final death. To end the trauma and the memories of all the horrors he's been through. So instead of throwing himself into a reckless death, he chose to stay in the Iron Temple and protect survivors.

So yeah, he didn't fight, but he did something equally important. The Iron Temple is an extremely well protected fortress that's very difficult to reach and breach, so any survivor he gathered was perfectly safe there until the Red War ended. Sometimes "sitting out" is more noble than fighting.

Saladin remembers all this and more whenever the Crow challenges him on his cowardice during the Red War. He wants to break the young Guardian's back to teach him a lesson about what it's like to feel helpless, but something stops him.

He remembers hearing stories about the Crow's life on the Shore before he arrived at the Tower, and does not raise a hand against him.

The lore entry ends with telling us that Saladin was clearly very agitated about Crow's teasing. But in the end, he remembered what Crow has been through and realised that Crow already knows what it's like to feel helpless. He did not need a reminder and Saladin decided to take the teasing without a response. It truly frames some of those voice lines in a different light, knowing this background.

Fourth, leg piece!

Flavour text:

"Some know the legend. We crossed a burning world with sword in hand, bringing justice and blood." —Lord Saladin

Once more, we are told that Saladin was mostly forged (eheh) through his experience in the Dark Age.

The lore page details a bittersweet memory Saladin has of him with his fellow Iron Lords and friends enjoying some good time over a meal and song.

He remembers Radegast asking him to sing the song taught to them by the people of the blacksmith's village, but agreeing only when Jolder and Perun promised to join in. Their voices rose like wolves in the night and were so raw by morning that none of them could speak.

This is honestly heartbreaking. Saladin being this happy and free to sing and enjoy himself: compared to how he is now. But even with that, he has retained the need to do it again sometimes, if he ever finds people to be comfortable around.

Saladin remembers all this and more when Zavala tells him Amanda has taken the Crow out to drink in the City's streets. He wonders what song they'll sing, if it's anything like the one he's heard everyone humming lately—even though he hasn't tried it himself.

I love how he projects his past joy onto the two young people and wonders if they'll do the same as he did once. Here we also get another hint about Saladin apparently not being affected by Savathun's viral chant. It might be a point relevant in the future.

Finally, class item!

Flavour text:

"Some know the legend. We crushed the Warlords beneath our heel so that they may never rise again." —Lord Saladin

Nothing new here. Just Saladin recounting how hard they went against the Warlords.

The rest is a very poignant lore page that details the relationship between Saladin and Zavala. Zavala studied under Saladin who was his mentor and it's been repeated often that Saladin has retained a "soft spot" for him.

Saladin remembers the first time he met Zavala. He remembers thinking that the Awoken had regal bearing like the stags he once hunted on the Steppes. His shoulders were broad, and his chin held high. When he moved, he did so with the strength and purposeful deliberation of someone with the power to determine his own place in the world.

"You'll never have a son," his Ghost had said, "but it isn't too late for you to take an apprentice."

I love when non-Awoken describe Awoken, there's always something ethereal about it. But I'm mostly putting this part here because of what Saladin's Ghost says.

First, I am incredibly soft for older Guardians adopting younger ones as kids and teaching them. Easily my favourite dynamic ever. Saladin seeing Zavala as a son makes me cry a thousand tears.

And second, is this finally a full confirmation that Guardians cannot bear children? It's kind of a strange place to put it, but it seems to be the implication. It makes sense they wouldn't be able to, but it's also nice to have some direct lore information about it in case it pops up as a question. I'm sorry if this ruins anyone's fics.

Saladin remembers their sparring matches. He remembers how Zavala always got back on his feet, no matter how many times Saladin put him down. He remembers refusing to offer the younger Lightbearer a hand up. Until the day Zavala finally bested him in combat.

He remembers lying flat on his back, left shoulder dislocated and ribs shattered, a strange pressure on his chest that made it difficult to breathe.

"Finish it," Saladin had commanded because that was the way of things. His Ghost would revive him.

Saying nothing, Zavala hauled him to his feet instead.

I love how this is placed at the end, paralleling the beginning of Saladin remembering his deaths and the pain of dying. But instead of "finishing it," Zavala pulls him back up. It's definitely something Saladin hasn't experienced before, especially not before becoming an Iron Lord, when all of his deaths were just gruesome ends to a struggle. Then seconds after, he'd be back up. He took the revival for granted, until Zavala offered him the alternative. Again, an interesting perspective about something we don't usually think about much. I do wonder how Saladin healed afterwards though.

Saladin remembers all this and more when his former apprentice calls him into his office and tells him about the face behind the Crow's mask. Zavala says he knows that Saladin doesn't like secrets; that it's unfair to ask him to keep one of this magnitude, but there will come a time when the Crow needs someone—the way Zavala needed Saladin.

"You never needed anyone," Saladin insists.

Zavala only smiles.

This page ends with the two bonding again. Despite their differences and disagreements, there's mutual respect between the mentor and the apprentice. The father and the son.

And Saladin thinks Zavala never needed him, but that is obviously not true and Zavala tells him so. He also tells him that Crow, and implied Guardians like him, will need the same guidance.

It gives us a full circle back to Saladin's musings about his purpose as a Guardian and Lightbearer. He may have doubted his place in the world before, but seeing as he's still here with us and actively participating and helping; training us through Iron Banner, helping with the Eliksni, refusing to side against the Vanguard despite the difference in opinion, now serving as Zavala's ambassador for the Cabal and easily bonding with someone he would've considered an enemy not long ago...

I think Saladin knows his place. He's one of the strongest Lightbearers and most principled among them. He is not swayed by lies and deceptions, he does not abide by them and speaks plainly. He has deeply rooted beliefs in justice and he will not compromise himself, even if it means conceding his position to make peace with a former enemy when that enemy proves their worth, honesty and good intentions to him.

He is a Guardian.

He is an Iron Lord.

#destiny 2 #lord saladin #lore vibing #long post #more iron lord lore bungie please?#iron temple as a social space?#please?#anyway i love this new lore about him so much #i wish we had it before people formed some crude opinions about him #but hopefully this can retroactively clear certain things up

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theres-no-protocol-for-this · 3 years

Text

Things Went Horribly Wrong

This was written for several whumptober prompts. Content warning: canon-typical injuries. To set the stage, there's a fight on the Preservation Station transit ring. Murderbot tries to help.

My head hurt, and I could feel blood and coolant running down the side of my face. My balance was on the fritz, so I kept stumbling into and over objects I should’ve been able to avoid. Diagnostics screamed at me about other damaged areas, but the head injury made even those warnings garbled beyond recognition.

Chair. Wall. Door frame. Shit! Ow!

I walked into a metal frame and had to backtrack a couple of steps before I made it into the hallway beyond. Ratthi caught me before I could trip on a loose piece of concrete and grabbed both of my arms. “SecUnit?”

“Run!” I managed. What the fuck was he still doing here? Hadn’t station security told everyone to leave?

He peered past me for a second, then asked breathlessly, “What happened? Are you all right? You’re bleeding… everywhere.” He looked back down the hall. “Gurathin’s on his way.”

What? “No!” And then because we needed to go, I added, “CombatBot.” I was having trouble forming words. My jaw was probably dislocated. “Move!”

I tried to shake off Ratthi’s grip but couldn’t quite pull away with any accuracy. The scientist gave me another horrified look and then finally started moving. He kept one hand wrapped around my forearms, at least I didn’t walk into any more walls as I followed him. Deity, human processing is so slow sometimes.

“What the fuck? Why is a CombatBot here? After Balin, I mean.”

I closed my eyes and banked my visual inputs. The bot had slammed me face-first into the floor of the transit ring and then used its massive hand to squeeze my head. So the destroyed visuals weren’t even a surprise so much as an annoyance. They were barely readable at this point, and I couldn’t maintain a connection to my drones without losing too much performance.

So, I wasn’t even looking at Ratthi — I just trusted him not to walk me into anything.

“No idea. It came here on a commercial ship.”

“Don’t we scan for these things?”

Station security absolutely scanned for weapons, and I didn’t know how the bot had gotten through our security measures. I also admittedly didn’t care right now. I just needed to get Ratthi and any remaining humans as far away from the carnage as possible. My scans weren’t picking up any other life signs, which was the only piece of good news.

I tried to use the feed and nearly collapsed. Great. Just great. Fuck.

“Ratthi, contact Indah.”

The human stopped and went for his interface, so I barked, “And keep moving.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He sounded panicked now. “What about Three? Is it all right?”

It was keeping the CombatBot occupied on the transit platform and doing its best to prevent the bot from entering the station proper. It was most certainly not fine. “Indah. Now.”

She’d know what to do. We’d worked out a plan for situations like this once the council’s vote became public knowledge, and that plan was Three’s best chance of survival right now. Barring a fucking miracle.

Then something pinged me through the feed and literally slipped into my brain like it belonged there. “Hey Murderbot. It’s me. I’m gonna tell Ratthi to take you to medical. Don’t worry I got this. I’ve pinged Three, so it’s waiting for me, and the bot… well, I’m killware and it’s code. Gonna be fun. Talk later?”

“2.0?”

“Yep. ART’s about six hours out, so hold on that long, yeah? I got this. Go!” It was talking as fast as ART normally did.

Ratthi, meanwhile, demanded, “Who was that? Who just contacted me? Why did they sound like you?”

I stopped walking and stumbled, so the human had to catch me again before I could answer, “Me?” I tried to shake my head and immediately regretted the motion. “Sort of.”

“ART and SecUnit made me!” 2.0 informed him via the feed. “Take SecUnit to medical, ASAP! Yeah? Gotta go! See you. Be back later. Thanks for the media. Bye!”

“Medical, right. We have to go to medical,” Ratthi said. “Bye, not-SecUnit.”

I could’ve sworn 2.0 was grinning as it flowed out of my memory banks and toward the transit station through the feed. “Be careful,” I said. If 2.0 was alive…

Performance Reliability at 40%. Shutdown? Y/N.

***

My left arm is pinned under a large chunk of metal and concrete wall. I have other, lesser injuries, most of them relatively minor. The arm and my continued attachment to it is the current problem that needs solving.

I can hear weapons fire nearby, and it’s getting progressively closer. Ratthi is about two feet away, mostly conscious but woozy from the looks of it. The explosion was far too close for comfort.

My performance rating drops below a threshold and I reboot again. It takes the better part of a minute for me to return to some semblance of functionality.

2.0 is in my feed. You need to get out of there. ASAP. Now.

Working on it, I tell it. You… OK?

We’re fine. I might need you after this, but not now. Media’s fine for now. It’s talking almost too quickly for me to understand.

“Ratthi. Don’t move.”

“SecUnit?”

“Stay exactly where you are.” So I can find you in a moment since I can barely fucking see.

I look down at my arm and swear. Removing it is going to hurt very badly. Fuck! I’ve been partially disassembled before while still conscious, and it’s extremely unpleasant. Still, I can’t move the arm, and I definitely cannot lift the rubble pinning it in place.

So…

I roll over on my side and prod around in the shoulder joint space where the arm is connected to my body. My pain sensors are turned way down, and I can still feel it when I shoot myself to remove the skin covering the joint. From there, I unhook the inorganic connections and the arm slides off my shoulder assembly with a squelch.

I’ve said before that I can remove my arms, and this is true. It’s just not comfortable or fun, and putting back is going to suck.

You need to go. Now. 2.0 reiterates.

ART, who is now close enough to loom in the feed, adds, SecUnit, you and Dr. Ratthi are in a very precarious position. Your humans will be very cross with me if you don’t get out of there.

I roll away from the now-disconnected arm just as more walls come down on top of the rubble. Dust motes float in the air. I get up and stumble a few steps before finding my bearings.

Good enough. Shut up, ART. Privately I ask, Is 2.0 OK?

Of course, it is. It’s probably better now that it can talk to you, but we made some incredibly flexible killware.

Is it like you?

It’s like both of us, ART answers. It’s strong and resilient like you. But it is, ultimately, a being comprised entirely of code.

I sigh and yank Ratthi out of the way of incoming weapons fire. Good enough.

***

With a final blast, Three disabled the CombatBot and the damn thing stopped moving. Permanently this time. I hoped.

Someone cheered beside me. Ratthi, maybe? I couldn’t quite identify the voice because my ears were ringing, and all the garbled data coming into my sensors was only adding to the confusion. My diagnostics had given up a while ago, at some point after I’d lost an arm and were no longer even trying to run.

It was that bad.

I think I need to go to medical, I said in the feed, hopefully to Ratthi or ART. It was hard to tell. Someone was probably listening.

Performance reliability rating at 23% and dropping. Shutdown delayed.

“This unit is no longer functional and should be discarded,” said my buffer entirely unprompted just as the world spun. There was a loud crash, followed by more voices.

“It is recommended that you discard this SecUnit—”

“Oh, no. SecUnit!”

“Buffer,” I managed, looking for the damn controls to turn it off and failing to find them.

A moment later, Three kneeled beside me. I knew it was Three because it pinged me in advance with its particular signature and was sending me a slow stream of relevant data. The CombatBot had done its share of damage, but casualties were minimal, and I was apparently the most injured of the fighters. Three came in second, so that wasn’t saying much.

And then 2.0 slipped back into my head and finally shut down the damn buffer. You don’t look so good. How are you still connected to the feed? The manual says we — you — shutdown at 25%.

Shut. Up.

Sure thing… For all of four seconds, it was silent. Then, it said, Actually I can do one better. Here’s some Sanctuary Moon music. I like it. You still like it, too, right? Oh, and lets get some endorphins into your systems. Let’s see, here we go. Pain relief coming right up.

Three picked me up like I was a rag doll. At least I was no longer telling Ratthi (was it Ratthi or someone else?) to discard me. That was nice. The music was nice, too, and 2.0 was doing something to keep my connection to the feed relatively stable. So, ART was looming in there as gently as a transport reasonably could. It was leaking worry all over the place and I couldn’t figure out why.

“It would be beneficial to initiate a shutdown,” Three advised.

And pass out? No thanks.

I’ll do it for you, 2.0 offered cheerfully. Rest and what not? Constructs need rest, right? AI don’t, not really, but we dream and that’s kinda the same. Neural pruning and all that. Oh sorry, that’s probably not relevant right now.

It’s fine, I told it.

I missed you, it said. Be OK. Please.

ART, please… I was going to ask the transport to take 2.0 or do something with it before I actually experienced an involuntary shutdown and potentially hurt the smaller AI. It was an artificial mind now, as far as I could tell. It must’ve shed not only its purpose but the limitations of killware because whatever 2.0 was now, it felt more like ART and less like killing code. Still deadly but… different.

And surprisingly childlike.

Before I could finish the thought, 2.0 initiated the shutdown process on my behalf — it totally could, it had all of my codes — and then extricated itself with a wave and a second hefty dose of pain killers. It had somehow convinced the chemical factory to produce pain relieving chemicals on demand.

And then I did pass out because my organics weren’t prepared for any of that.

#whumptober #whumptober2021 #murderbot #fanfiction #2.0 #secunit three #my writing

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makiema · 3 years

Text

finally finished writing about how much stormbringer enhances the skk dynamic which was at a nascent stage in Fifteen and anticipates the developments which happen later and culminate in Dead Apple where the faith they have in each other is absolutely remarkable! the fact that i said i’d do this in a few hours yesterday but it took me like 24 hrs to finish i have an attention span of a whole 2 minutes 💀

my favorite thing about stormbringer is that it actually builds up on the concepts/themes introduced in Fifteen so it's a glimpse into what has changed in dazai and dazai & dhuuya after one year of being together. As much as it's about chuuya confronting his past and his identity this is also about dazai’s development from who he was in fifteen. chuuya and rimbaud both left their marks on dazai and in Stormbringer we see him, actually trying to emulate or follow in a sense a way of life, that chuuya and rimbaud represented. Stormbringer is not just about chuuya, abt his test of humanity, or he coming in terms with who or what he is. it's about dazai too. it's about dazai developing or at least attempting to develop what he calls “boyish”/ “ordinary” in Fifteen. its not about chuya having an identity crisis. in fact what we understand from Code 04's last section is that chuuya never considered it as his crisis and neither did dazai. so to dazai “saving chuuya is important, human or not doesn't matter” and when dazai gives chuuya time to think abt what the operation will cost him chuuya doesnt so much as flinch form his purpose. This goes on to show unlike verlaine he doesnt care about memory and certainly doesnt consider it as the only determinant of someone being human. He cares more abt yokohama and his friends and in that, in caring abt his “family”, he is just as human as the next person. whether he’s factually human or not comes secondary to his desire to save people. This is a message that the quality of being human has more to do with embodying human qualities or humanity than having memories and lineage. so yeah stormbringer is essentially about embracing humanity but this happens on 2 levels: both chuuya and dazai embrace humanity. Going back to the boyish or ordinary bit, im talking abt this segment:

here dazai is shocked because he assumed everyone “gangsta” and everyone crazy powerful delighted in homicide, in deliberately indulging in the macabre. but he is proved wrong. He logically concluded that anyone with power more than average and belonging to the underground would kill people and delight in that because it’s a given they lack any kind of moral understanding. To that end, they’d be exalted at the prospect of relentlessly shooting a dead body, mutilating it and dishonoring it. The mafia code (any general mafia code) works in a way where honor and death goes hand in hand. So only the lowest of the low would do that to a dying person, who even when faced with certain death is loyal to his own organisation. This really shows that even within the mafia dazai is the only person whos like the devil incarnate. So yeah dazai at this sate far lower than even a mafia member. But chuuya who actually embodiess the mafia code and is incredibly loyal to his organisation and “family” [ putting family in quotes bc he himself calls his friends family 🥺] ofc kicks the gun away. From dazai’s pov chuuya being as insanely powerful as he is should also do the same. But chuuya comes along and suggests that even enemies should be shown respect where it’s due. And that is what an ordinary person, oblivious to mafia life (mafia life as in waht dazai makes of it) thinks. So in undermining the binary between “ordinary” and “mafia” chuuya proves that being mafia doesnt necessarily mean selling your soul to the devil and giving up the last smidge of humanity. In fact by embodying qualities like compassion and kindness and mutual respect, you can make the mafia a better place for yourself and for the other members. Now in Stormbringer, we see how this affected dazai. here dazai is introduced as someone mercilessly killing to set up the channel.

Now to expand the channel one would need to keep doing it right? To mercilessly kill ppl and stuff but instead what he does is hand the channel over to chuuya bc he knows chuuya wouldnt handle it like him. im not suggesting that dazai miraculously becomes v good or anything with dazai the key words is “try” or “to some extent” like in Fifteen when Chuuya asks “do u wanna live” he’s like “ not to that extent”. similarly its not to say he doesnt kill people anymore. it is that he tries to lessen the number of casualties by handing over one of the most troublesome channels to chuuya who would manage it in a much more humane way. That dazai draws from his friends/at least tries to is smth we’ll see again later on when he deals with akutagawa. He talks about odasaku and ofc its baffling to him that a mafia member as powerful as him would be taking acre of orphans. and dazai says but he cant afford to be that kind and proceeds to shoot akutagswa but again does so in a calculated way such that he doesnt end up killing him ( im NOT justifying dazai’s abuse not at all im just saying that its hard to believe he coincidentally knew the exact no of bullets that aku could block. and had odasaku’s words and his way of life not been in the back of his mind he could’ve ended up killing aku) coming back to chuuya and dazai we also see him avoiding further conversation on the jewelry channel thing as he says “leave that for now”. He does a similar thing again when mori brings up the concept of double suiciding with chuuya.

Its a HUGE thing for him to digest that him suiciding would inevitably spell the doom for chuuya. this puts an unimaginable responsibility on him. And he avoids further discussion on this. Now we know dazai is the rambly type. Even in the most dire moments he goe son with his LOONG monologues so really he is the last person who’d avoid a conversation but he deliberately does it in these 2 instances because its hard for him to grasp these things. That he can go against his nature and do a conscientious thing by handing over one of the most grisly channels to chuuya (i dont think dazai’s nature is evil. Or even if it is, its a a social construct keeping in mind the war ravaged times or its mori’s construct because he does exploit dazai to the hilt. but dazai ofc thinks of himself as non-human, devious. perfectly devilish...etc.) And also the fact that someone as suicidal as him is actually responsible for the life of someone else is really too much to take in. a whole 10 seconds pause indicates just how much he was thrown off when mori opened his eyes to the reality of things: if he dies, chuuya inexorably dies as a consequence. also i dont think the “wow” here or the next bit :

is something jokey. if it was like haha double suicide with chuuya is the worst haha wanna do it w pretty lady kind of a deal. that pause would have been unnecessary. dazai’s immediate reaction would’ve been whining and shit. the use of “froze” too implies the gravity of the situation. so ofc what is “wow” is how much meaning his life has for someone else. and for some so much....better than him. and what is unacceptable is this sad, sad truth that his life (to which he ascribes no value) would be so inextricably linked with someone else’s and hold so much meaning to them. it is like when a suicidal person at the brink of suicide understanding his life is not his own. his life and death holds consequences for ppl surrounding him. so both of these are huge things to grasp and at both these times dazai is visibly shaken up so much so that he doesnt want to do his favorite thing- ramble in a condescending tone. smth he does in so many instances. this really is a testimony to the fact that things are changing in him. the redemption process has begun. he’s no longer the kind of maniac he was before he encountered chuuya. when zuko underwent his transition in atla he was so shaken up after one (1) right decision he had a fever. i think this is true for anyone who’s trying to change. change is after all a huge thing for everyone. ofc he’ll be unsettled. so anyways this is proof that he has indeed come a long way from being someone who revelled at the prospect of meaningless bloodshed.

now coming to the concept of love he assumes he’d get sick of love and die:

and that death is the singular goal worth chasing after because it makes you feel more alive/get a fuller picture of what living entails. but here he is erring by supposing love is something that’ll bore him/have no meaning. and it cant provide him that “something” he’s looking for. at this point he hasn’t loved so he doesnt know whether he’ll be sick of it or if it'll have no impact. And yet he’s morose and regretful. this is a kind of self-imposed constraint hes putting on himself. he cancels out the v idea of love because hes convinced it isnt worth it. he hasnt even been in love okay scratch being in love that sounds romantic and i really dont mean love in a romantic sense here...its just love. in general. any form is cool. anyway so dazai is not familiar with any kind of love. He is entirely alien to the concept. he doesnt even know what a friend/partner is so he doesnt know what love is. this is cleared out here when rimbaud confesses he did everything for paul and dazai is unconvinced:

chuuya ofc admonishes him and shuts him up for good, he says dazai has no right lookind down upon smth he doesnt understand. he doesnt understand friendship, love. or loyalty. or how important those feelings are at this point. now this situation is turned on its head in stormbringer. but before we go into that let’s look at the message rimbaud had for both of them. ik he specifically asks for chuuya to “live” but there’s purpose behind including both of them in the frame. it’s a message they should both take to heart. and at the end of it its implied both are changed after hearing it:

and in this message the first bit is for chuuya. what he says is basically memory doesn’t make u human... ”you are you” just a frame or not doesnt matter. and even if hes just a frame, he is still beautiful. beauty actually is a v important concept in literature starting right from Plato to Shakespeare. i’d not bring this here but because bsd is so deeply rooted in literature i feel like the reference to beauty, and later on to soul and even warmth and also the universal tone of this message carries some meaning. so the thing is both Plato and Shakespeare were endorsed the idea of love as a force awakened in the world by beauty which then leads the soul to perfection. so humans and by extension, all life are beautiful frames that can inspire love. this concept is also there in Romantic poetry like Keats and Wordsworth all of them talked about loving beauty in nature and how that can elevate the body mind and soul. so essentially in telling this to chuuya what ehe basically means is that chuuya just by being him, by being a beautiful framework can inspire love and warmth in others and thats a great purpose! how much chuuya understands of this purpose with his one (1) braincell and his low self esteem is questionable but he gets some sense of belonging. now this is a two way relationship so ofc dazai has to be factored in. he comes in the next part:

these are from 2 different translation so the disparity im sorry ;-; but anyway, this last part abt the world being a cold place. then paul. then “warmth” is a message to dazai who’s been introduced to us as cold-hearted and having like no bearings of a human being. this is the reason why its important for both o f them to be there. now going back to chuuya being a beautiful framework, the framework can be beautiful in so far as its beauty is appreciate by someone and inspires warmth and love in someone. this again is the whole beauty/beholder nature/the romantic concept that is there in shakespeare and in Romantic poetry where both are a part of a codependent relationship. so what rimbaud implies here is that dazai can have that kind of a relationship with another person (chuuya) just like rimbaud had with paul which makes him warm and the world doesnt feel cold anymore. rimbaud has no regrets about what he did because. so the idea is that dazai and chuuya can share the same dynamic. also after this, the narrative says that their hearts are now changed and wont return to what they were before....and even their souls are refined in a way. but in Fifteen we dont have a concrete proof of how this happened bc the novel ends at this point. Instead, Stormbringer shows exactly how deep the impact of those words is:

this is the third instance of dazai showing hesitation and once again this has to do with chuuya. the seed of the dynamic that rimbaud was talking about is already germinating in him. his reactions, his fidgeting, his hesitancy, in response to chuuya’s situation is such a big contrast to his cocksure self when he’s conversing with adam and verlaine. after this of course we have:

not only does he clearly express his concern but he gives chuuya 2 whole mins to make a decision and based on that he’s prepared to overturn the operation. the success rate of an alternative plan will ofc be lesser than the og one but that doesnt faze dazai. he’s ready to turn the tide for chuuya’s sake and if this is not development idk what is. just a year ago, he was someone to whom the concept of rimbaud going thru all that trouble for his friend was a lost concept. ironically enough, now he finds himself doing something that is along the same lines. he puts chuuya above his mission. to him, chuuya is more important than getting a satisfactory result. another bit that i wanna talk abt is that one controversial section where dazai says he’ll save chuuya, human or not, and then the justification is:

i think a lot of people got mad bc of this and honestly at first glance i was peeved too. as a chuuya stan some of the shit dazai has done so far did rub me the wrong way. i love skk obv but still those were moments that kind of left a bad taste in the mouth. i’ll discuss them later on bc stormbringer helps allay that feeling. coming back to the “i wanna see chuuya suffer” part firstly context is important. ofc someone like dazai cant be expected to be upfront about his feelings with ppl (or AI) he barely knows. so what be relays to adam, is only partly true and its actually a kind of a twist in concept. the things is, and this is smth dazai knows all too well is that ppl suffer simply on account of being human. human suffering is brought on because humans, by virtue of being humans, feel. so when he says he’s willing to acknowledge chuuya as human despite what N and Verlaine said he’s already admitting that chuuya suffers. so there is really nothing “new” to see for him. he knows chuuya suffers already and he does too because they’re both humans trying to make it thru their messed up lives. also chuuya “ceasing to be human” is a p huge concern for him bc he himself is like that. just like with the suicide thing, it bothers dazai when someone else shares his situation/his fate like as long as his life is his own, he has no problem ending it whenever but the situation is complicated when someone else’s life span is determined by that decision. and similarly, as long as he is “no longer human” its not that much of an issue because he’s like resigned to a doomed fate but someone like chuuya ceasing to be human or worse yet never getting to know if hes human or not are pressing matters. so anyways what he actually means here is that in saving chuuya, he saves someone who suffers just like he does and in their case, even the cause of suffering boils down to a shared psychological conflict: what essentially constitutes being human and if im human or not. now this sharing of pain and suffering is the foundation of forming a connection with someone, which makes life a little better. here again, what rimaud imparted to dazai and chuuya is driven home. also dazai’s key anxiety is not finding meaning/anything. this “anything” can be assumed to be something that justifies life. so all his anxiety and frustration stems from the fact that there really is no discernible meaning to be found in the mechanism of life. so it is an empty pursuit because it is true that nothing can explain why feelings of pain and suffering are exponentially heavier than feelings of happiness or why after getting to experience one (1) free day we’re back to square one where life is grueling. these are questions that really dont have an answer so every time dazai like gazes into the abyss and says he didnt find anything, he is not so much asking if he’ll ever find anything as swallowing the hard truth that there is nothing to be found, no singular entity exists that can magically justify everything. again drawing upon literature or philosophy more specifically, there’s a concept called Absurdism which says the only philosophical truth so to say is this that life is absurd and looking for meaning is futile. instead what we can do is accept that it is absurd and deal with it in the best way possible, by finding little sources and moments of happiness, and strewing them together so we feel somewhat content. even if it is just for a fleeting second. and this happiness/contentment amidst a wretched life (altho temporal) can be found in friendship, in sharing, and even in having fun with people you’re comfortable with! this is actually why dazai wants to save chuuya and now it may seem like im interpreting his words through the shipping lens but thats not so and it can be corroborated by looking into dazai’s words to odasaku. after chuuya, dazai’s next attempt at friendship was odasaku who he found “interesting”. now when odasaku sort of like threw hands and chose death over having to live a life without the orphans, dazai tried to stop him not by saying stuff like life is good. and things will def change for the better. but instead he admits that living is hard and the sense of void is ubiquitous and yet he doesnt want him to up and die because then he would be sad. because the little comfort that he got from odasaku and something he probably assumed odasaku also got from him would be gone. [how much odasaku considered dazai a source of comfort remains unclear. in fact the reason odasaku gave up and died was because he did not have this. this feeling of sharing in someone else’s suffering and seeking comfort in friends in the real world. instead he was too vested in his ideal world. his over reliance on an entirely idealistic concept is actually what pushed him over the edge. and this would have been the case for dazai too had he not encountered and sought comfort and companionship in chuuya and eventually in odasaku ] so this again goes on to show how rimbaud’s words changed dazai’s heart. and in a way dazai really has been doing this unconsciously form the v beginning like by teasing chuuya continually in Fifteen. you dont expect someone as cold as him to indulge in friendly bickering and taunting so often but he does. that there is significance and even happiness in that is something he learns over time, after rimbaud’s words to him. although these things seem futile on the surface they give a moment’s respite. so although chuuya spinning dazai on a rope in stormbringer might seem weird to everyone, they still serve a purpose:

what shirase puts forward is particularly relevant here because neither dazai nor chuuya is fully aware of the extent of their feelings (or even what those feelings are like they dont know what label to put. so typical oblivious lovers) for each other or what they stand to gain just by driving each other nuts but there is something intangible but satisfying to be felt. a kind of contentment that helps him continue. one day at a time. there is no one great “thing” that can make him like wake up one day feeling like he doesnt want to die ever again. but again like i said before, the key word for dazai is “extent” so, these little things to some extent contribute to a sense of fulfilment which helps him keep death at bay. thats why he’s bent on saving chuuya bc he knows they can share in their suffering and make life better for each other. its not like he wants chuuya to suffer. chuuya will suffer nonetheless like every other human. but in suffering together there is something to be found so he doesnt want him to cease being human.

this covers more or less the intertextuality between Stormbringer and Fifteen. i just wanna talk a bit more about a couple other moments in Stormbringer that i feel are p important because they put some things in the series in perspective and also made the dead apple moment 10x more emotional 🥺 one thing that really strikes me is the absolute fanon level of comfort that dazai and chuuya share in Strombringer. its like scenes form k-drama lol.

so yeah this stuff. compare this with dazai’s reaction @atsushi when he drops im not saying that its not just a joke and that what im saying should be the right way to look at this contrast. its not like that at all. but what this does is give an estimate to the readers just how close and comfortable dazai feels when its chuuya. and this plus everything i rambling on abt for so long also gives us an estimate about the sincerity of dazais feelings. now 2 things always bothered me : the fact that dazai actually left chuuya and the fact that after the fight against lovecraft he actualy deserted him (this again can ofc be construed as just a humorous bit but still it did leave a bad taste in my mouth) dazai leaving the mafia is ofc something he had to do to fulfil oda’s dying wish but it still dint sit right with me that he would abandon chuuya. just like oda levaing is harder on dazai, dazai leaving is harder on chuuya. its always harder on the one left behind. so anyway, these sorts of things sometimes made me doubt dazai’s feelings but now that stormbringer clears it all up i do think there is a larger motif at work here. when mori offers dazai to come back to the mafia in s2 we see him saying that it was mori who kicked him out and that he did so because he was afraid dazai would usurp his position. so he set it up in a way that dazai would be forced to leave but on his own accord. now more than usurpation i believe what mori really did fear is that dazai had no allegiance to the mafia (which is actually true) bc he doesnt have that sense of loyalty and that to him his friends were more important than swearing allegiance to mori. (which again is true). so by getting oda killed, the message that mori seemed to be giving out was if dazai didnt leave he would do it again. and if we consider ango’s betrayal which had already transpired at that point, the one mori would next target to sort of get at dazai would inevitably be chuuya. this is only conjecture but still, i do believe this might as well be true because then it would explain why dazai didnt carry chuuya back to the base after their fight [something he was v comfortable doing in Stormbringer. in fact in the first case he carries chuuya back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so he could hear albatross’ last words 🥺] its because mori needs to know unlike dazai, chuuya is absolutely loyal to him which regrettably he is. it kinda becomes imperative therefore on part of dazai to make it seem that way to mori. that they really are at each others throats and that dazai is insignificant to chuuya. and that the mafia comes before dazai. (which is not true bc we see chuuya protecting his friend [shirase] while also staying loyal to the mafia in Stormbringer)

mori also in his own way tries to provoke hostility b/w them like in Dead Dpple when he was all like yeah so dazai is the star and chuuya is merely bait. so it kinda makes sense if dazai left the mafia not only to like do good work but also to protect chuuya from mori. also the fact that chuuya did the same thing— left the Sheep and joined PM to protect Shirase from the mafia makes be believe that my speculation is plausible given all the parallels we find between dazai and chuuya.

and the last bit is about the brilliant Dead Apple scene and how much added context it gets in light of Stormbringer.

in this scene dazai first says: “you used Corruption believing in me?” and then the translation is “how beautiful” which is an okay translation but the exact thing dazai said was “nakasetekurerune” which literally is : youre gonna make me cry you know? now my knowledge of japanese is like duolingo level but i do know “nakasete” has to do with crying and “kureru” is used by the receiver to indicate he’s receiving a feeling/object from someone close. so basically chuuya trusting him is something so beautiful that it could almost move him to tears. now lets look at dazai’s intro in Stormbringer:

dazai, being dazai, ofc would be able to tell genuine trust from fealty out of fear so ofc the fact that chuuya has this kind of blind faith in him is overwhelming for him. also stormbringer really expands on the sight effects of Corruption in full detail. its so PAINFUL and to think that chuuya would jump into it right away for dazai’s sake.....no wonder he is so soft when deactivating him. and then he proceeds to flirt for a little bit with the Snow White and the kiss of life reference. but this flirting doesnt seem even a little out of place now. it doesn't feel like smth meaningless or smth that dazai is just saying as a joke. that there is absoluetly no subtext to making a statement like that. instead that kind of flirting feels like smth inspired from a deep, deep familiarity with someone who really shares his heart and soul. when he talks to chuuya abt the problem of not knowing whether he is human or not, it is a problem that is as central to him as it’s to chuuya. not feeling fully reconciled to a human identity is a problem thats fundamental to both of them. I don’t think familiarity gets any deeper than this where you share the exact same psychological problem. so its really wonderful how we can trace the skk development now: what starts out as a crush on part of dazai or not a crush exactly rather, a feeling of perplexed admiration because chuuya is breathtakingly beautiful inside out, eventually gain all these layers and develops into something meaningful where they have so much faith in each other and where they literally help each other live. knowing someone out there shares your exact issue so you’re really not alone in this is perhaps the greatest comfort in the world. also now its clear how both of them would have turned out had they not met each other and had they not taken in rimbaud’s advice. chuuya in his desire to learn about himself and frustration at not being able to do the same would have perhaps spiralled downward and ended up becoming like verlaine. he is his double here after all. and had dazai not seen chuuya up close being the wonderful person he is, he too would have probably ended up developing a god complex and becoming like fyodor. dazai is there to save chuuya literally from dying a monster and chuuya is there to remind him he too can try and mend his ways and embrace his human side. after all chuuya has so much trust him in! (despite him having questionable methods) for both of them, it starts out as an attempt to be more human, then establishing a fruitful partnership, and finally coming in terms with their feelings to some extent. for dazai, he’s comfortable enough to engage in occasional flirting at this point and for chuuya it’s playing along with dazai’s antics (well with the ones he get 💀 pretty boy has half a functional braincell) and openly showing his concern for him. so really by confirming their feelings what strombringer does is enhance the skk development in a way that Dead Apple doesnt seem like fan service anymore. the fact that dazai would casually flirt or be comfortable with chuuya landing on his crotch 💀 all that isnt as ridiculous as it first seemed because stormbringer lays the groundwork and anticipates all the intimate/flirty skk moments that have happened till now and ig will happen again soon.

#bsd #stormbringer #soukoku #dazai osamu #chuuya nakahara #bungou stray dogs #stormbringer spoilers #bsd meta #bsd analysis

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cosmiclatte28 · 3 years

Text

Guilty Pleasure (Yuta x reader)

A/n : hey i finished my term #yay! now i'll rush all my WIP. wish me luck

warning : one night stand, don't copy this and yeah suggestive soft smut KINDA SMUT (?) JUST DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SIN :D

tagging @yutahoes :p

network @supermwritersnet @multifandomnet

“It’s just one night, come on don’t worry. I can’t book you any other hotel.” your brother explains to you from the call on why he booked you a room that’s like an old motel. “I saw the room and it’s nice. It looks like a regular hotel, just that they named it motel, maybe because they have the parking spot in front of the rooms.” Taeyong tries to explain and reassures you he booked you a decent place to stay and nothing shady. You nod and just bring yourself to the office which is just a locket. You sigh “Hello, I’m here for my reservation.” you forced a smile to the lady behind the glass window.

“Hello, may I have your ID and card?” she asks you nicely to which you gladly do so. She’s quick in checking you in and making the payment. After returning your card and ID she hands you over two card keys.

“Your room will be number 217 and please take that stairs to your room. Have a nice stay.” she disappears and lets you go with the keys.

You bring your suitcase along with you, just one night and tomorrow you’ll take the bus to meet your brother. You shrug off the odd feeling of climbing the staircase. This sure is something you’ve seen in an old Hollywood movie.

With determination you find your room and pluck in your card only to see the light turns red and you try to open the handle several times but it doesn’t budge. One glance over the room number and to the paper the lady gave you. It’s the same room!

There’s a voice and suddenly someone appears unlocking the door and you’re taken aback.

“Excuse me?” he asks in a deep voice while peeking from the door.

You gulp, and look at your keys “Um is this room 217?”

He nods and steps to the gap and opens the door a little bit more. “Yes this is 217 and I am staying here.” he tucks his hands into his pocket, his trained biceps showing off from his tank.

You give him a meek smile “Um the lady downstairs gave me this room.” you show him the number and he frowns “Looks like she gave you the wrong number.”

You gasp “Alright, I’ll ask her. Once again sorry.” you apologize before finally going back down the stairs with your stuff and groaning when you arrive on the locket.

“Hello, I got this room and someone is inside.” you try to hold your chuckle, well at least that someone is hot and is not creepy.

“Okay sorry, there you go,” the guy slips back a new card for you “Room 218”

You thank him and go back to the same floor. Huh just the room next to the one earlier.

“Hey, did you get the room?” the 217 guy suddenly pops his head out when he hears you back.

You’re surprised how he knows you’ve come back.

“Yup, they gave me a wrong number. Sorry.” you push your luggage inside the room while stil maintaining eye contact with the stranger.

“Staying the night?” he asks slowly, afraid that he sounds impolite.

You nod “Just for a night, what about you?” you ask back. A simple conversation won’t be dangerous right?

He leans on his door frame, tank and sweatpants showing he’s been relaxing for a while here.

“Yup. I have to transit to the town nearby and my pick up will come tomorrow.”

You nod “Cool,”

“Yeah. Um I don’t mean to be rude but do you want to look for something to eat?” he rubs his neck shyly and you smile “I don’t have a plan tonight so yeah I could go for dinner with you.”

He returns a minute later with a pair of jeans and shirt, casual but trendy and you keep your current clothes on, just jeggings with a comfortable tee.

“Sorry, I only have these clothes for my business trip.” he locks his door and pockets the key.

You laugh “No worries, I get it. It’s either formal or something you wore to bed.” he clicks his tongue “You got that.”

The two of you start talking as you both take the stairs down.

“So what’s your name?” he asks when you’re already on the road ready to cross the street.

“(Y/n), what about you?” you ask looking at him and oh god he is handsome.

He smiles trying to repeat your name “(Y/n), sounds so good in my tongue. I’m yuta, nice to meet you.” he glances at you and realizes the small blush on your cheeks.

“Business trip too?” he asks and you shake your head “No, just here to stay the night and take a bus to my brother tomorrow.”

He offers a restaurant nearby and you agree. Both of you take a seat and choose a menu.

“Do you drink wine?” you ask, somehow feeling like opening a bottle tonight because you’re tired from the job you have and summer break is finally starting for you.

Yuta nods “I’d love that.”

So both of you end up talking more and more over pasta and wine. It’s a nice dinner. Yuta is a gentleman and he’s working in the entertainment industry. No wonder he dresses like that and looks like a snacc.

The night grows deeper and both of you finish the bottle of wine. Suddenly the talk becomes intimate more like you checking on him if he is single and he sure is not committed to anyone at the moment. Work doesn’t let him have time to dote a woman.

“I’m also free,” you wink and smirk when your foot under the table slowly traces his strong legs. Yuta gulps and smiles calmly “Look who’s drunk and naughty.” he whispers and you grin “I am not drunk.”

Yuta laughs from how red your face is, he’s sure you’re almost drunk.

“Let me get the bill and we can continue this, say my room or yours?” he asks after calling the waiter for a bill.

He paid for the dinner even when you insist on paying, he said “It’s on my company don’t worry.”

You stand up from your chair, feet not sensing the ground and oh boy you realize you are tipsy.

“Hold me.” you take his hand and grip on him as he helps you walk back to the hotel.

Once both of you arrive you whisper to his ear “My room.”

He nods, agreeing that his room is still messy from his working papers and your room is still untouched.

With one simple look and a lip bite, Yuta pushes you to the bed and claims you then and there. The kiss is passionate and hot, something about the way he still keeps the tempo moderate makes you frustrated that he is playing the game slowly.

“Faster,” you beg but he keeps taking his time, enjoying your lusty look and teasing you.

“No regrets?” he asks before taking you then and there. You groan “Yes just do it Yuta.” you stifle back a moan when he finally enters you.

You’re sure the neighbors can hear you, luckily the room next to you is only Yuta’s and the other one is the stairs. Both of you are over the moon and after going down the high several times and your energy drained, he has you covered under the blanket.

You snuggle close to him “I’m sticky.”

He rubs your shoulder softly and kisses your head “Shower?”

You nod and close your eyes, tired of the fun but still wanting to shower.

Yuta extends his arm to take a pillow and puts it under your head “I’ll make a warm bath for you.”

You just nod, head already gone to dreamland and moments later you feel a strong arm picking you up and you feel the hot water touch your skin.

He lowers you slowly to the bubble bath, surprised that he has a bubble bath with him for a business trip because you don’t have one right now.

“Come here.” you moan in delight when you sink yourself more to the hot water.

Yuta giggles and slowly enters the small tub. It’s full with some water leaving the tub because both of you occupied more volume.

He calmly massages your tense shoulder and you feel yourself more drowsy. “I might fall asleep.”

He chuckles “Don’t worry I got you.” He grabs a bottle of soap and begins leathering you with the liquid, and soon after you’re clean and ready to sleep.

You shimmy into your underwear and hide under the blanket once he is done putting on his sweatpants. Suddenly you’re sobering up and you blush when you remember what you just did.

“That was so nice.” you shyly admit and Yuta smirks “You’re this shy when you were wild five minutes ago.”

You pout “Yak keep this a secret.”

He ruffles your hair “It’s a secret as long as I can meet you again someday. I want to know you more.”

You smile “I’ll leave my number by the morning. I have to catch my bus good night Yuta.” you drive off to bed and the next morning, you’ve seen your room empty. He must’ve returned to do some more work like he said at dinner.

You take a notepad you have in your bag and quickly scribble your number and after packing your stuff you slide it under the door. You smile one more time at the room number, what a meeting.

“(Y/n) how dare you not give me any update! How was the hotel?” your brother asks you once you’re seated on the bus and already on the way to meet him.

“It was nice Taeyong, sorry I got too tired and slept.” you lied but he buys it.

“Glad to hear that. Nothing bad happens right?” He sounds worried .

You smile when you see the text message from Yuta. “Yeah nothing bad. Okay I’ll see you soon.” you end the call and reply Yuta back.

The five hours ride doesn’t feel long at all because both you and Yuta are busy texting each other random things.

That’s one guilty pleasure with a random hottie and you wish you’ll meet him again someday.

end

#yuta smut #yuta x reader #yuta scenarios #yuta x y/n #yuta x you #multifandomnet #supermwritersnet #yuta scenario #yuta imagines

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watcherfenix · 3 years

Text

A Vent long time coming

It feels like it has been ages since I wrote anything. There is so much I wanna write and comment on, simply hard to pin just one idea down. So, in sticking with the theme of vulnerable journey treading and wanting my experiences to help someone out there. I am going to decompress the last years and possibly go into more at a later date. I have been in limited contact with people for close to 3 years. This is due to moving to a new country compounded with COVID, which killed many attempts at being social. Coupled with that polite racism of Canada and recovering from a very traumatic breakup, have been in a low place. Also, in transition for a work visa which has been slowed due to COVID. Depression and PSTD make leaving the place is a chore and a constant mental battle. I was able to do a year of college in a small-town university. Learned a lot and nothing all at once. Learned about myself. Learned about my own Blackness (and still learning). Of course, this caused me to look at my life experience through a new lens as if pages have been restored in a tattered book. Seeing how my old, colonized self parroted some toxic garbage and did some” ignorant passable shit “that I wished I had never said or did. Angry at my parents for trying so hard to “protecting “me from my own Blackness. Leaving me under-prepared for the world I was going to be a part of. Instead, my father tells me as an adult, I am ungrateful and “raised by wolves,” and I told him I hated him. Pissed that he presented his side of the family as dangerous, volatile and “ghetto” and that being gay and black was asking for a short life in the family. Causing me to be averse to wanting to meet them. But with time, I will be able to accept “all of me.” By learning another country’s history, I realized I was on the wrong side of history. Referring to my time in the military and playing a role in destabilizing the Middle East (something the US military has quite a long track record of doing). This affects me in a couple of different ways. First, being a part of pain and suffering on such a grand scale goes against who I believe. Secondly, knowing that it is a family legacy (father being a weapons contractor after being retired Air Force and had a few generals in the family too). Lastly, I lost friends and a lover to the machine known as the military-industrial complex. And knowing that the government is getting worse makes their deaths sting a bit more than I care to admit. Thinking about my time in the military fills me with bittersweet memories now tinged with some guilt and shame. While I had stewed in these thoughts for long periods of time. Slowly getting comfortable with these truths. Only to be slammed with the ugliness that is America’s racism. Seeing white friends during BLM and all that led up to it go silent or worse, shit on the idea of BLM. Gay community leeches off black culture while making claims of being inclusive makes me want to rage cry. Seeing so much Racism and colorism in communities I used to call these spaces, my home is now quite repulsive . I was hoping for too much, wanting my communities to be supportive. Genuinely supportive, helping people because it is right, not causes it's trending. Wish POC communities would stop internalizing and perpetuating hate and start lifting each other up. Instead of determining “blackness” and gender roles. It has been absolutely heartbreaking to see so many people passing in such a short time frame. I am reminded of my older friends sharing their tales of the AIDs crisis and survivals guilt. I feel weird knowing these people for a while online, just too sudden.. they are gone. I develop a connection with these people but feel I cannot claim it because other people that knew them spent time with them in real life. Deep down, there is a feeling that my connection is less than because I am unable to meet these people. I do not fully subscribe to this idea, but every time another FB friend or friend dies, it comes to my mind. And I honestly do not know what to do with it. Though the thought of friends that have pass makes me feel things. I cannot help but mourn the relationships lost because of my selfishness, drugs, or toxic relationships before people I called my family. The concept of family seems and feels so foreign to me now, yet I still hunger for one. My parents and sister's relationship was polarizing and taking a toll on my mental wellness. But cutting ties with them does not make me feel better. Sure enough, feel guilty and ashamed because of some internal nagging feeling I needed to try harder to work things out. Must remember why I had to cut ties with them. I had to, being with them caused me so much emotional and spiritual pain, I would later choose homelessness than ask for their help again. Yet, I still love them just do not want them in my life or do not want to share my life with them anymore. Does not make processing the loss of my bio family any easier. It does feel more correct than sticking with them. I wish I were a better friend. I often feel like a failing friend. I regret missing so many chosen family life events. Missed both of my brother’s weddings a few people’s graduations. Burned a lot of bridges protecting people that were later discovered to be trash. Wish I could send messages to say I am sorry. Just feel too much has either happen or too much time has gone by to bring it up now. The feelings and thoughts build up so much that it stresses me out and becomes intrusive thoughts shaming me out of evening trying. And having been burned by so many shitty relationships, feel less like... me. More like a by-product of all the lessons I learn. A by-product that is very wary of trying to make new friends or form new relationships. To be honest, I struggle with who I am and have been struggling with my self-image for three years now. So, trying to attempt new friendships seem out of my depths. Trying to be compassionate and kinder to myself …. when... I feel I need to be better and stronger than average. Sadly, I am my own worse jailer and serving life sentences for things that I just do not know why anymore. My brain gets so loud feels like my brain is grated with sandpaper. Depression, shitty world events, insomnia and PTSD, have caused me to disassociate to the point time has no meaning to me and staying in the moment is getting harder to do. Battling the idea that this is a dream or this reality is unreal. I really dislike being dissociative like this, reminds me too much of when I was doing meth and how quickly the time went by and how time was filled up with all other manners of things. Also reminds me of the time I almost cut myself to discern between reality and dreams. Grateful I have my husband to keep me grounded. He makes me smile when I am down. Somedays, he is the only thing keeping me here. My mind is full, and my heart is heavy. The road is long and the burden heavy, but I will be moved forward in some way. Thank you for your time, love

Fenix

#ptsd recovery #recovery #mental health

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hanniiesuckle17 · 4 years

Text

Stray Kids Reaction to S/o Being a Ballet Dancer

A/n: I'm assuming this means like pointe dancer and/or principal dancer??? Anyway!!! Hope you like it bb!! I had fun doing this one!❤❤❤

Requested by: @desertofdessert (thank you bb! feel free to request again! this was so fun!!)

Chan:

Chan watched you gather up stuff and put it in the huge dance bag you carried. Unfortunately, you couldn’t spend Chan’s day off with him. It was just one of those times when your schedules didn’t match up. Chan totally understood. If you managed with his busy schedule than he could deal with yours. He also understood the expectations you were under as a principal dancer.

While he never was in the position himself, he has taken many ballet and modern dance classes when he was in Australia, so he knew how intense your job was. He also knew how short your performing career might be. “Why don’t you come with me?” Your voice brought him out of his thoughts.

“To practice? Won’t I get in the way of the others.”

You shook your head and tossed an extra water bottle over to him. “I’m just going for a solo run.” Chan smiled and jumped off the couch, following your out the door and to the studio your company rehearsed in. He watched in fascination as you stretched and slipped your pointe shoes on. For the next hour, Chan sat against the mirror and quietly watched in adoration as you danced across the floor.

“You wanna try?”

You had the brightest smile on your face as you pulled him up from the floor. You guided him through some steps and giggled as his technique was a little rusty. The two of you danced and laughed for the next couple of hours. You caught his eyes in the mirror as he held your waist to support your feet transition. A blush crept onto his cheek when you reached behind you and ghosted your hand over his cheek, coming down off your toes.

You did so in a way that was so graceful and almost like a dance move in itself. It sent chills down his spine. He loved seeing you in your element. You turned into a different person when you were dancing, he loved seeing you confident and moving without hesitation. He loved seeing your smile as he assisted you through a posse turn. You practically lit up the entire room.

I cant believe some people forget Chris has some classical dance training. I love thinking about him as modern dancer like wow

Minho:

Being a dancer himself, Minho loved how passionate you were about your art. He loved that he could have someone to go to the gym with and would understand having to go on crazy diets. It definitely helped his motivation with you to keep in him in check and vice versa.

However, what he didn’t like was your schedule. Usually, he came home late, and you left home early. He wasn’t the most touchy-feely person, but he did miss seeing you sometimes. So, he made a commitment to you that he would soon regret. There Minho was. At the studio with you. At five in the morning. “Only for you.” He muttered under his breath for the thousandth time.

It was really his idea. So he was to blame. He was the one who asked you to teach him a routine. However, he had no idea spinning on his bare feet would hurt so much. “You wanna try a lift?” You said coming beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

How were you not out of breath??????? Minho was sweating buckets under his jacket. “Hell yeah!” Why did he say that? That was not what he meant. He meant no. He meant let’s go back to bed like normal people. You explained to him how to do a pretty simple lift and how to get out of it. “Hold up. You want my hand where?” He asked with a mischievous smirk. You rolled your eyes and shoved him lightly.

“It’s a simple move. Let’s try just once- without the coupe turn.”

Minho laughed and nodded. He followed your instruction, watching in the mirror. As directed he placed his left hand around your abdomen and this right secured tightly over your right thigh. “Okay and now you lift up and dip.”

“Which way?”

“Forward and down. Duh.”

“DOWN. WHAT IF I DROP YOU ON YOUR HeAd??”

“You’ll do fine, Minho.” Carefully, he lifted you and he was surprised feeling the muscles of your stomach tighten and hold yourself up in his arms even as he dipped you. “See! You did awesome.” You laughed when you saw his terrified face in the mirror.

Changbin:

Changbin was ecstatic when he found out you were a ballerina. He was so proud of you. After that, he never missed one of your shows. He was always seated front and center with the goofiest, most proud grin on his face waiting for the lights to go down. He also makes you sign his program for every show. He keeps every single one of the programs and he says he wants to make a collage to frame for you.

He does worry about you often, knowing how strict your career is. He knows your schedule almost better than he knows his own. He’ll constantly check up on you and send you a text reminding you that you have to change out your toe pads and drink water.

You smiled hearing your boyfriend’s ringtone as you exited the rehearsal room. “Hi, Binnie! Where are you?” You giggled hearing he was waiting outside for you. He greeted you with a sweet kiss and wrapped his arms around you, blocking the cold air from penetrating your thin sweater.

“I’m buying you dinner. Let’s go.” He grabbed your hand and dragged you to the nearest hole in the wall restaurant he could find. He frowned when you ordered so little to eat. He sent you a stern glare as the waiter took away your menu. You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped when you saw his face.

“Bin, I’ve got a dress and corset to fit into! Don’t worry, I remember our rule.” When you and Bin started dating he came up with this rule he was adamant you follow, especially while you were prepping for a show. He had a rule that you couldn’t walk away from the table if there was still food on your plate. He instituted the rule when he figured out you weren’t finishing meals the closer a show was.

Towards the end of your meal, you smiled as Changbin placed a generous piece of his food onto your plate. You picked it up and ate it gratefully. You frowned when he placed another piece on your almost empty plate without looking up from his food. Again you ate the food, honoring his rule. This time your boyfriend held eye contact with you as he dropped a huge piece of food on your plate.

“YAH SEO CHANGBIN!”

“WHAT?”

Hyunjin:

When Hyunjin met you he was instantly fascinated by you. When he found out you were a professional dancer the man was immediately whipped. However, he was so obsessed with the fact with the idea of being the perfect dancing couple he forgot to ask what kind of dancer you were.

You had nothing to do today. Hyunjin was busy with schedules today and couldn’t come over. You had an audition coming up for the lead in Cinderella so you figured now would be a good time to practice. You had bought this apartment specifically for the fact that the living room was huge and had nice real wood floors.

Pushing all the furniture out of the way you cleared a large enough space to dance in. Pulling out your semi-new pointe shoes you started prepping them. The room started to smell a little like burning fabric as you burned the frayed edges of your ribbons. A rich sound rang throughout your apartment as you banged the pleats of your shoes on the floor.

Music filled your apartment as you went through your audition routine. You focused on your turnout, keeping it perfectly positioned throughout your movements. You pushed up on relevae and into an arabesque keeping your core tight and leg high and elegant.

“Hey Y/n, Surpris- HOLY WHAT THE GOOD CLEAR PANTS OF JYP???”

You turned to find Hyunjin staring at you with his jaw dropped in shock. Turning off the music you walked over to your boyfriend with a smile and kissed his cheek. He still stood frozen like the drama queen he was. “Hi, honey! How are you?” He blinked and stared at you. He stepped away and took in all of you, his eyes lingering on your shoes.

“This is not what I expected......but I am so impressed right now.”

You smiled and pulled him down to kiss you, but he stopped your motion. “Nuh-uh. That’s cheating. You gotta work for it now.” He smirked down at you. With a giggle you rose in your shoes and kissed him, tangling your fingers in his soft hair.

Jisung:

Your relationship with Jisung was almost as old as the both of you. You had always been friends since before you could remember and Jisung could even remember you telling him about your very first dance class. You remembered him kissing you after your first lead performance and his cheeky smile when you and to stand on pointe to reach his lips at the time.

Jisung loved to watch you dance. It was maybe one of his favorite things in the entire world. He was always proudest when he was watching you float across a dance floor or stage. He was captivated by how powerful you were and what you could make your body do. However, there was another side to it...

“Ji...” You said walking through the door of your shared apartment. Hearing his nickname he jumped off the couch and took your bag off your shoulders. As the days grew closer to your shows he made sure to always be home before you. Even if that meant him getting up at three or four am to go back to the studio. You kissed his cheek with a huge grin and watched with adoration as he put your stuff on the table and picked you up and hurried you over to the couch as carefully as possible.

“Baby, I’m not glass. I can walk!”

“WE MUST PROTECT THE MERCHANDISE OKAY!”

When you were seated he grabbed the several ice packs from the freezer and made sure that he had enough to switch out later. You giggled watching him scramble to take care of you. Carefully, he took off your sneakers and winced at the red spots on your ankles and feet. “Ji- I can ice my own feet. I’ve been doing it for years-”

“LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU, WOMAN!”

You laughed and pulled him to your lips by the collar of his shirt. You loved that he knew your schedule. Even before you had moved in together Ji had known your schedule after ballet. Ice, eat, ice, stretch, ice and review rehearsal footage, then sleep. “How was your day?” He asked pecking your lips again. You smiled and looked into his soft brown eyes.

“Fantastic now.”

Felix:

Felix and you had been friends long before he made it big in the music industry. He always knew you danced, but until you started dating a couple months ago he had never really taken an interest in your dancing. Not because he didn’t care. He was just so god damn busy. He felt kind of bad that you didn’t even expect him to take an interest.

You never asked him to come to a show. You never really talked about rehearsals unless it conflicted with setting up a date, and you never danced in front of him. So, he was determined to change that. You came to the JYP practice room straight from rehearsal as Felix had asked.

You greeted the boys as the left the studio and found Felix standing by the mirror messing with his phone. He jumped when you wrapped your arms around his waist. “Ready to go, Lix?” You asked after kissing his cheek. “Actually,” He said turning around.

“We are gonna have our date here. You are gonna teach me about ballet!” You laughed and kissed him with a bright smile. You knew he wouldn’t last more than two hours. An hour later, Felix had shed his hoodie and was sweating through his tank top while you stood happily in your leggings and pointe shoes. You had to admit he was doing better than you thought.

“Oh my god! How do your feet open like that, you mutant!” Felix cried out trying to stay in first position.

However, when it came to actually dancing, Felix was fascinated. It was so different from how he danced. Felix had surprisingly good extension and he got some pretty good air on a couple leaps. And he loved watching you dance-especially when you went up on your toes. He thought you looked beautiful and elegant.

“That’s it I can’t take it. Take me home.”

“Great! Now I can teach you the second half of ballerina life.”

“What’s that?”

“Ice.”

I've low-key wanted to do a Felix ballet au bc gosh darn he is just so elegant and wooooooooww ballet!felix

Seungmin:

Seungmin loved watching you dance. The two of you didn’t live together yet, so he took every opportunity to see you dance anytime he could. He came to all of your shows and you practically had to kick him out of your closed rehearsals. For his birthday (per his request) you choreographed and performed a routine to his favorite Day6 song.

Date nights for the two of you usually happen after your rehearsals end and consist of your icing your body on the couch with Seungmin next to you, either watching a movie or talking and eating takeout.

“Seungmin? Are you here?” You called out into your apartment. Sounds from the kitchen confirmed the presence of your boyfriend. “Minnie?” You dropped your bag by the door and took off your shoes. Seungmin shuffled out of your kitchen with two mugs of tea in hand.

“What are we doing tonight?” He asked, setting the tea on your coffee table. He sighed when he saw the innocent smile on your face. “Really......again?” He laughed when you nodded excitedly.

“Fine.”

You cheered as he went to get ice packs and you pulled up Centerstage on Netflix. Seungmin was a good sport. This was probably the twenty-sixth time he had seen this film since dating you. He knew that the movie made you happy, especially if you had a rough day at rehearsals.

“Man, Cooper gets douchier and douchier every time we watch this.” Seungmin sighed, his arm around you.

“Yeah and Charlie gets dreamier and dreamier.”

“What?”

“What-”

Jeongin:

Jeongin watched the video you sent him with a huge smile on his face. You were on tour with your company, so you couldn’t be with him for a few days. Even though you were still in the country, he really missed seeing you.

It was so weird for him to not pick you up from practice. His eyes twinkled as he watched you dance across the backstage area of a venue. He smiled when he saw you rush back over to your phone and wave to him with a happy grin. The video was sent two days ago. You had talked earlier that day but he still missed you.

“Jeongin,” His attention snapped away from his phone and to Chan towering above him. His hyung helped him stand up and clapped him on the back. “Ready to go back to practice?” Jeongin sighed and nodded. “Hey, I’ve got a surprise for you,” Chan said running to his bag.

“Chan I’m just kind of depressed with Y/n away for so long.”

“I know. That’s why we are going to Y/n’s next show.”

Jeongin’s eyes widened as he watched Chan pull out two tickets to your show, Giselle. After practice, Chan drove the two boys two hours away to your venue to see her perform. Jeongin watched you dance across the stage with bright eyes. He loved watching you become the character of Giselle, though he couldn’t help but be a little jealous of the man who played your fiance.

When he and Chan surprised you backstage, you jumped into his arms and kissed him all over. “Innie! You came!” He smiled and wouldn’t stop talking about how fantastic you were.

“Y/n! Oh my god! You were so good! The whole leap thing, and your turns! And the thing with the lift- it was so cool! You did incredible baby!”

Requests are open! Just send an ask!

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nothorses · 3 years

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Hi! I hope you're doing good

I wanted to ask you and anybody who wants to respond if it's normal feeling like you are faking/are wrong about being trans and you're tricking everyone into believing it, and how would you advise dealing with that?

Sometimes being in online spaces makes me feel like there's a checklist to be compiled to be trans, and when I fail to do so I start doubting. My transition has been difficult on my family, what if I've been wrong and it's been for nothing? It does not help that the therapist I had before kept insinuating I would change my mind at some point

I know I exist this way and I don't need to explain myself to any stranger on the internet, and the joy I feel thinking of myself like a man doesn't need to be certified by a therapist that never had a trans patient before me. Still I have many doubts that are caused not by my experiences and feelings but by stuff other people say.

I made the error to read a passage in Irreversible Damage, that didn't help. I sometimes feel like I can't be trusted with myself, even when I'm an adult and I've been proceeding with caution and attention to my needs.

I hope this makes sense, my first language isn't english. Have a nice day, take care, and don't feel forced to respond to this

I think these feelings are pretty common! It's tough to deal with, but you're definitely not alone. I definitely struggle to trust myself & my perception of reality; I tend to think myself in circles and over-intellectualize, and with all the gaslighting I grew up with, learning how to trust myself has been a long and difficult battle.

It's worked really well for me to start with the internal: I know what I'm thinking and feeling, and nobody else can know those things better than me. I know what my intentions are. I know what I'm trying to do and be.

Re-frame it: the question isn't whether you're tricking everyone, it's whether you're trying to trick everyone. To the best of your knowledge, are your intentions good? Are you trying to act honestly? The fact that you're worried about accidentally being dishonest says to me that you are.

So if you mess up, it's not manipulation; it's an honest mistake. If you end up somehow not being trans, it's not because you were tricking people; it's because you honestly considered it as well as you could, but you were maybe just missing some information. If you transition because it's right for you now, and find out later that it's not right for you anymore, you can just... stop. You can backtrack. That doesn't make that choice any less the right one for you now.

As long as you're making the best choices you can with the tools you have at the time, there's no reason to regret that. You can fix an honest mistake if you discover you've made one.

Good luck. 💙

#advice #Anon #Ask

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plasticflowering · 3 years

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A Unifying Theory of Loreography (Lore + Choreography)

(2/3/21) HELLO to all new folks finding this post! It is also now a YouTube Video, and I’m pretty happy with it so if you’d rather get your lore analysis visually please check it out!

Preface: I don’t think it’s just coincidence that we got full choreography for an intro called “Devil is in the detail”, and I’ve made it my mission since 반박불가 dropped to pull apart the threads that might link everything, lore-wise. This morning I believe I had an epiphany about it, so here are my thoughts.

If this flops I will feel my soul exiting my body so please validate me.

Notes: In forming this theory I mostly considered the events of the storyline MVs and teasers as well as the choreography, but a very important part of my epiphanies came when considering the post-MV stingers for TBONTB and 반박불가. It’s using these stingers that I feel like I can better understand the thesis statements in the choreo.

Part One: Now then, where were we?

At the end of TBONTB, the monarchs are approaching monumental, pitch-black gates made of skulls and desperate, reaching hands.

I can’t not interpret this as the gates of Tartarus, considering the Greek mythology in the canon lore already. Tartarus, however, is at the lowest depths of the underworld, and so my interpretation is that, while they reclaimed their souls from the necklace, they awoke physically in a realm beyond the underworld, and now have to make their way out of this psychological nightmare to breathe free the air, as it were. Through Tartarus, through Hell, this is not because I played 80 hours of Hades in the last three months but it might have a little to do with that. Stay with me. (Though if anyone is wondering, YES Leedo would be Zagreus, but that’s not why we’re here today)

Part Two: Devil is in the Detail

What an opening formation. The imagery is not 100% clear to me, but I feel as if this entire opening formation sequence is dual-wielding imagery of a crown (much like the killing part of TBONTB), but also the gates of Tartarus.

Look at this transition once Hwanwoong ascends to the top of the formation, and how the hands all come out, similar to the gates above. I’ll be damned if this is supposed to invoke anything else.

Rewinding a bit, this framing of Seoho being resuscitated and borne by their hands is stunning. Seoho’s journey in the TBONTB choreography merits its own post entirely, because there are a lot of moments that seem to be telling a story for him particularly, and this is just a continuation of that.

Ravn and Leedo being separated for the rap line part seems like an obvious utilitarian choice, and I agree that it is. However, before we prepare to dismiss all “pairings” as serving the progression of the song itself, I have another theory that ties together a lot of the inciting moments of choreo. I promise you this is going to sound like A Reach, but that’s just how my mind works and if you enjoy it I’m glad.

Leedo, Hwanwoong, and Xion are the monarchs who have absolved themselves by the events of 반박불가, and fully reclaimed their souls as well as their conscience. Seoho and Ravn, not so much. They have a lot of work to do to free their conscience - especially Seoho. Oh, lord, especially Seoho. Keonhee is an extremely interesting case, as he seems to have a foot firmly in both sides, More on that later.

For further paranoid conspiracy theorist proof of this, please note that their outfits in the choreography videos symbolically reflect this:

Light, Light, Light/Dark, Dark, Dark/Lightish, Light

If you need more convincing, may I point out that Leedo, Hwanwoong, and Xion are the only members who got those wonderful “all clothed in white” shots in the back half of the 반박불가 MV? I tried to make a gif, and I did make a gif, but Tumblr doesn’t want to post it in this text post.

(you rn)

The most interesting moments of loreography in DiitD are the following:

1. These lotus hands. Again, the imagery, I die!! Keonhee is coming into his own, his character is blooming, expanding his consciousness, going sicko mode with the realization that he has power in the underworld.

2. Directly following this, Seoho offers a hand to Keonhee and literally drags him down (again, the light/dark dichotomy of Keonhee), while the two good good boys Hwanwoong and Xion are back there just trying to maintain balance so they can get through this Hell/Tartarus thing.

3. Good ol’ ONEUS Summoning Circle, but wait this time I think it’s actually meaningful beyond the imagery. Seoho is at the center because he has the vocal line, yeah obviously, but he stays there much longer than is objectively necessary without a formation change. This isn’t common in ONEUS choreography. As much as they love their Summoning Circles, they tend to move on to other formations quickly. This one has meat on its bones, and I think what’s happening here, loreography wise, are the other monarchs banding together in an attempt to save Seoho from the darkness. But Seoho is powerfully dark, y’all, even going so far as to overpower them in the moment above.

4. This is flame imagery. Seoho has been engulfed in flames despite everyone’s best efforts.

5. At the last minute, he gets yeeted via backflip back into Hell/Tartarus

6. Keonhee takes the initiative in going back for him...

7. We’re back in Hell, that’s just great. Thanks, Seoho. You’re lucky we love you and your extremely disturbed conscience.

With this in mind, you can probably get way ahead of me, here.

Part Three: 반박불가

Perhaps not remarkably, the title track doesn’t have nearly as many loreography beats as DiitD. However, we know it’s part of the lore, and this was made abundantly clear simply with that opening move...

This is where we left off TBONTB, but not exactly. There is a slightly different formation of dancers here, which suggests it’s not picking up exactly where TBONTB left off, but rather that this is a cue to let casual fans know, explicitly: yes, this is a continuation of the TBONTB story.

Some moments don’t have choreography allusions, but they are loud in the MV, such as:

- “Youngjo, would you stop playing with flowers, our lead vocalist is going to Hell.” Ravn, who barely scraped out of Hell last time, ostensibly with Leedo’s help according to the rap line break in the choreography, has a rough time of it in the 반박불가 MV, but Hwanwoong isn’t going to let him fall back into toxic behaviors and lose himself to that psychological prison again. Hwanwoong drags Ravn back out of Hell, but not before Ravn successfully makes contact with Seoho. Obviously, Ravn would be the one to make contact, because Ravn’s still a little on edge about his own conscience and can easily backslide if he wants to. Who does he find down there? Seoho.

- Keonhee, who led the charge to return to Hell, is staying on task but seems to be the chief of operations to Hwanwoong’s chief of intelligence here, exercising his newfound sicko mode. Those two are certainly working hardest at keeping the servants of darkness in check down in the depths so they can make a quick break for it.

- Leedo’s actually having a grand time fighting his own demons - or rather, smirking at them and realizing that nah, he’s good. He can use his guilt and regret to motivate him towrd good things now.

- Xion is literally just above all of this and can move between Hell and Earth with ease, so he’s just waiting to see if he has to pull any Fallen God-Prince cards here to save his friends.

Now, for the key loregraphy moments. It’s obvious that 1Million was choreographing for a new direction in the ONEUS style, here, so it’s nearly bereft of the usual lyricism and formations, but they’re definitely there. Unsurprisingly they almost all deal with Seoho.

1. God, this moment whips. They’re all working to free Seoho and lock the gates behind them, with Keonhee giving Seoho one final push. That’s not a normal choreography move. That is storytelling and it sticks out like a beautiful sore thumb with an entire sonnet written on it.

2. With Seoho on lock, now Ravn may break out. He does so rather easily, but it’s not without Hwanwoong’s help. Please notice that Keonhee and Seoho are the two BEHIND him, and what that symbolizes.

3. This fucking bridge. It’s amazing with the loreography. First of all we have Keonhee, and the Summoning Circle is using the same imagery/texture that was formerly used to represent engulfing fire. Uh-oh.

4. Keonhee reaches out...

... but gets dragged under.

5. (excited football commentator voice) but who’s that on the outside making it to the surface, literally with the support of the other monarchs? IT’S SEOHO (cheers)!!

And Seoho finishes things out in the center, as well he should because he got us into this mess.

Part Four: What just happened to Keonhee

I’m so angry at this post-MV stinger. It took me forever to wrap my brain around what is being suggested here, because I thought “hey wait, the red lighting represents darkness/hell, doesn’t it?? DOESN’T IT?? RBW???? I thought we just GOT OUT OF HELL????

So I leave the final interpretation in everyone's individual hands, but the thought that occurred to me today was:

What if this entire scenario was a test of resolve and camaraderie, an illusion, a trick by the Devil (or that donger Helios, whatever). What if Keonhee was the only one who saw through this, and the only one who genuinely made it to Earth at the moment he appeared to have been dragged back to Hell? Because, as we know, Keonhee is a tactical genius, a monarch among the monarchs, and all his visual imagery in the MV suggested a sort of power cabal.

What if he realized that they weren’t all strong enough to face the challenge of breaking this cycle, so he schemed to leave them behind, but leave them safe in the illusion, while he struck out with the power of God and anime on his side.

I... I think Keonhee is about to go kill and dethrone a God, y’all.

#jfc this got long #fun fact the original draft of this had the title a SHORT analysis of etc.#hahahaha nope #v.analysis #v.devil analysis #oneus #no diggity #oneus lore #반박불가 #next up if I'm feeling especially energetic:#an analysis of lion heart and rewind and why they're also lore songs

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mildly-incoherent-ramblings · 3 years

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Honey Sticks (Straws? Tubes? What Do You Call Them?)

A distant friend's friend was making care packages for trans people and asked folks on Instagram if they wanted them, so I asked for one. This has been a hard season on me and I thought hey, what the hell, worst case scenario I don't get one and its whatever. Right?

This was months ago, and I forgot almost immediately after doing so. It came today.

There were lots of things included that made me happy, little gestures of sweetness. Two tea bags, one for sleep and one for relaxation, which I had not had much of either and needed. A sticker of a cute little spider, of whom I have complicated feelings for and have grown to love, though from a distance. Some candies, a lemon-honey cough drop, a very nice card, a note and a patch with an anarchy symbol framed in a heart that I bet will probably fade in 3 or so washes but I will wear anyways. It is after all, the thought that counts. But the gesture that warmed my soul and brought me great joy, was the honey stick.

I didn’t process the significance at first. There were so many of these little items at once and I was just overwhelmed overall by this small expression of kindness. I thanked the person, followed them, thanked the person who had told them I wanted one and made sure I was following them, and set these things aside for a little while to tend to other things.

I had a stressful situation involving a kitchen mess that triggered me a little and had just sat down after addressing said stressful situation when my eyes fixed on the little honey stick along with the candy I had been given. I ate the mango hi-chew first and briefly was paranoid it would fill the cavities in my teeth and have me regretting it.

Then I went for the honey stick. I held it in my hands, rolled it gently between my fingers. I watched the honey move through the tube as I squeezed it in different places and the nostalgia started to set in. I remember long drives to the bay as a child with my grandparents and stopping at this little roadside farm that had produce and preserves and flowers and always, little straws filled with honey and sealed off, what I called as a child and refer to now as honey sticks.

The texture was familiar, cool plastic between my fingers. I popped the seal gently with my teeth and pushed about half the tube onto my tongue. As soon as it hit my taste buds, I was transported to this place. To where my grandfather was still alive, in my mind, during a time where he and my grandmother were still at least as far as I knew, quite happy. The sweetness and the floral and the acidic and the smooth texture floated in my salivating mouth, as tears welled up in my eyes. I felt it coat the back of my teeth, savored it, before swallowing and squeezing from the tube the rest of its contents. I did not waste a single drop of this wonderful gift. I sat with the sadness and the nostalgia and the longing for some time. And then my eyes fixated on the pamphlet from his memorial service hanging in the corner. I miss the man, for all the problems he came with and all the unanswered questions and unresolved hurt I had felt. Missed that time where I had the privilege of being a child, before I was old enough to understand that though my loved ones loved me indeed, their love would only extend as far as their own perspective’s limitations reached.

The last two times I saw my grandpa sit in my stomach like bricks in a burlap sack. The second to last time, he was moving out of state with his good friend, and the last words he chose to say to me were “I love you, Granddaughter.” I had been out as transmasculine to my family for several years, and he was one of the only members of my family who flat out refused to support my decisions. I told my grandma about how I felt about this several months later, at the time worried this may be the last time I ever saw him. I felt like he did not want to see my transition, and did not want to see the man I would become. As much as I love my grandma, she doesn’t keep a secret worth a shit, so of course she went behind my back and told him everything. She always does.

The very last time we saw each other, he tried to discuss this event and how it impacted him. By this time I was fully growing into my masculine body, had little pubescent hairs shading my upper lip and a deepened voice. He still adamantly misgendered me, refused to even look at me, the entire time. He simply could not see me. He asked me why I would do this to my family. He asked me why I would make them all suffer seeing me like this, as if my choice to live authentically was harmful to everyone around me. He was also under the distinct impression that our loved ones regarded my choices with the same level of disgust he had. He expressed revulsion and shame for my choices, and wanted to agree to disagree, under the impression still that he could just see me as a woman and ignore all the changes I had made and the life I was living, and how much even the other skeptical members of my family had adjusted since. He did not want another grandson, especially one who was a fag. That car ride brought a lot of tension, and the entire time we spent after with my grandma when we met her for lunch, was plated on a bed of unspoken mutual contempt for one another. He salted an already deep and still fresh wound, and it festered over. It still has not quite healed.

Ironically, it would be revealed not too long after, that my brother had discovered that grandpa himself was in fact very much a gay man. While he was assisting him with formatting his cell phone, my brother would accidentally stumble on a still open incognito tab with some... very gay content still open. Along with that, a string of messages with his “good friend,” who had apparently been his lover the entire time. My brother responded with compulsory homophobic remarks that I will not repeat, but mostly just frustration that he had been dishonest with my grandma all these years. The discomfort that situation has inspired in me still hasn’t properly been unpacked. Everyone was wrong in that situation. Everyone.

Go figure. He and his good friend, “they were roommates.”

When he passed, my father came and told me in person. I finally spoke of what had happened between us, and even he was angered by the hypocrisy, saying he had known for years that my grandfather was not straight. I know now that how he treated me was what he did for himself to avoid suspicion. Because if I had the audacity to be out, that meant there was little left for an excuse for him to hide. I threatened his cover. I threatened his disguise. I cracked his mask. I left his closet open ajar and he peered outside, horrified at the possibilities he saw.

Acknowledging all this, even still, I could not help but enjoy this moment of being brought back to this familiar childhood memory, before all of that would happen. This person who sent me this great gift could not have known the significance, but rest assured, I am quite grateful. I enjoyed this moment and then it was gone, and then it was back to reality in front of my computer, staring at the wall. The knowledge that that same man who loved me dearly was also undeniably cruel to me burned my skin and flooded my eyes. Hidden beneath that hurt and sadness, I felt remorse for him, because he never did feel safe speaking his truth to us, not even to the others in our family who related to him. I often think of his lover, and how painful it must have been for this man to mourn him publicly as a good friend, and privately as an intimate partner of whom adored him and cared for him in ways they could not ever feel safe speaking of.

Sitting with this conflict of nostalgia and longing for the safety of my adolescent ignorance, with the truth and the reality as I have come to know it, I let my own mask fall, and cried for the first time in months since he had died. It is possible to both love a person who was once good to you and also acknowledge when their actions created harm, and to hold them accountable. I do not believe it to be disrespect to the dead to also speak of their faults as well as their glory. Joy and sadness and frustration and unanswered questions looked down on me, crowded around me, mocked me.

My hands shake as I type and I am overwhelmed with the juxtaposition of these strong emotions.

Written some time in mid July.

RIP August 19th, 2020

#gay #closeted #coming out #family #disrespect #no closure #sadness #hurt #living in the past #grief #grieving #processing #truth #changing #lgbtq #lgbtqia #moving on

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xanderwithanx · 3 years

Text

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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yukiobeyme · 4 years

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Could you please do the demon brothers finding MC's sketchbook being full of sketches of them? Love you writing! ⊂((・▽・))⊃

Sorry, I’ve been taking forever, but I’m finally in the mood to write and it turned out I had this mostly done so ya yee! I hope you enjoy it!

Lucifer:

Lucifer doesn’t snoop, it’s not in his nature. But when he saw you had left your sketchbook out and in the common area, he couldn’t help but stroll by casually and take a glance.

He was taken back when he saw sketches of him, he felt his face heat up but was quick to leave the room because he didn’t want to be caught.

He wouldn’t confront you about it either, he would wait to see if you came to him first.

He wanted to learn more about your drawings and see more of it, what he didn’t expect how often you actually left the sketchbook around and open.

So, he made it a habit to always walk by it and check to see if you left it in the common room. Each time he walked by it was a new sketch of him, this time it looked like you had started it during a council meeting and he was stunned how you captured him, but you also had pictures of his eyes, nose and lips scattered around the page as well.

What he didn’t expect was for you to come in and give an awkward cough behind him. He turned around wide-eye and felt himself blush when he saw you standing there.

You were quick to scramble and grab your sketchbook

Mammon:

Mammon is a known snoop when Levi and he were in your room waiting for you. He couldn’t help but look through your belongings, Levi thought it was to see if you had any valuables, but it was to try to learn more about you.

He knew you were into drawing in your sketchbook; he had seen your work in your sketchbook during class or lunch. You rarely sat near him when you drew in your sketchbook.

He didn’t expect to see sketches of him in the book when he finally opened it. He flushed immediately; it was different poses. Him in class when you sat behind him or off to the side. Or when you attended student council meetings, old photoshoots. You had sketches of him smiling, laughing and even blushing.

Levi noticed instantly and tried to look at the sketchbook, but Mammon was quick to keep it out of reach and thankfully that’s when you entered so Levi stopped and Mammon could set your sketchbook, hoping it was unnoticed.

The next time he caught you drawing, he would stroll over and ask what you were drawing and when you blushed and was quick to cover the sketch, he felt like he had won. He would beg and plead with you to let him see it.

It was another sketch of him, but this one tugged at Mammon heart, it was his Demon form, you had added color to this one and it was gorgeous, and Mammon felt his heart stuttered.

Mammon was flushed and speechless, he knew it was filled with sketches of him, but he couldn’t help but react the same way.

“You know, you could always ask. I could um pose for you?” Mammon finally stuttered, looking away from you.

“Sure,” your voice was high pitched, and your face had turned red.

So later you would meet up in his room and you both nervously stood and looked at each other not knowing what to do.

“How do you want me?” Mammon asked and eyes widened at the implication.

You would gain some confidence and ask if you could draw him shirtless.

He agrees and stays flushed the whole time, from the tips of his ears into his chest, you made sure to include it.

Leviathan:

Levi didn’t mean to snoop, but you left your sketchbook in his room after an anime marathon

At first, he saw sketches of the anime characters, seeing the detail and how beautiful they looked

His face flushed when he saw the first sketch of him

It was him curled up, completely focused on the anime

How his eyes were wide open, engrossed and his mouth agape

He didn’t hear you knock or crack his door open

You were mortified to see he had your sketchbook in his hands

Levi? You said quietly, your voice was slightly shaky

He jumped and flinched at the sound of your voice, slamming the book shut

He immediately started to stutter out countless apologizes

While you were embarrassed you reassured him it was okay, but you wished he asked

He shyly commented on how good your work was

Which caused you to give him a beaming smile

You offered to draw him Zaramela or Henry 1.0

He frames it and keeps it in his room and smiles whenever he sees it

Satan:

It ended up in possession by accident

You both were in the library

You left and when Satan left, he gathered all the books, including your sketchbook

Later he would go through the pile books

He froze when he saw it

He knew the right thing would be to return it immediately

But instead, he decided to hold onto it

Gave you a reason to come see him

He decided he would look at it

He grabbed the book he was looking for and went to read it

But the thought of looking in your sketchbook kept nagging him

A small peak wouldn’t harm anything right?

The first few pages must have been of the human world and your friends

He looked over your friends, how brightly they smiled

Some of their names were written down

And it seemed you let them write and doodle beside their picture

He smiled at them, he felt like he learned so much more about you then

He decided to remember to ask about your human friends

He got engrossed though and couldn’t stop flipping through the pages

Then it transitioned to Devildom

You drew flowers you saw writing down the names

The next page made it freeze

It was a sketch of himself

It was during a student meeting

You captured his scolding face; he felt the urge to stop there but continue at the same time

The next page was called Satan Study

It was different sketches of his eyes, nose, face shape, his smile and his hair

He snapped the book shut and threw it as if it burned him when he heard a knock and you called out to him

“Have you seen my sketchbook? I had it when we were studying together.

He quickly moved around his room, acting to search for it in his piles of books before going where he threw it

He gave it to you with a slight blush and sent you on your way

Asmodeus:

Asmodeus saw you draw constantly, he needed to see what you were drawing

Maybe it was mischievous to steal your sketchbook

If you questioned him, he would say it was in his demon nature

He went to his room to look at it in private

He started to flicker through the notebook and was thrilled to see drawings of him

Of course, you chose him to be your subject, he was gorgeous

Couldn’t help but a little turned on, he is a narcissistic

He took pictures and posted it to Devilgram, tagging you in it

That’s when you knew he took your sketchbook

You had mixed emotions of being livid and embarrassed

That was your private drawing, rough sketches that were messy

It wasn’t meant to be shared

You immediately marched to his room to get it back

You snatched it from him, without any words

You didn’t want to talk to him, while you were mad you didn’t want to say anything you would regret

Asmodeus would be dense and not understand your emotions and wouldn’t think to apologize

A week of silence and avoiding him, had him coming to you and asking what is wrong

“You really don’t know?” you couldn’t help but feel hurt

Instead of making him guess, you let him in your room and sit and your bed

And you talked about your feelings about the events

When it clicked he felt bad

He told you he just wanted to brag about you

Beelzebub:

You were drawing in the cafeteria, sitting across from Beelz

You seemed engrossed in the drawing but you and Beelz were used to just keeping each other company so he didn’t mind the silence

Lucifer ended up calling you away for a meeting, that you completely forgot about that

In your rush to leave, you left your sketchbook

Beelz called to you but you were already gone

He grabbed it and treated it as it was a baby

He knew how important it was to you

But he was curious about what drawing you were so engrossed in

Flipping through the pages finding different moments you captured

He froze when he saw sketches of him

It was page after page

Of different moments

While he was working out, eating, laughing or smiling

He was so surprised he dropped the food he was holding

He was shocked and immediately tried to clean it up

But it was too late, and he stained the page

He felt horrible

When he saw you, he wasn’t going to tell you, but how you brightened up when you saw he had it

He confessed and looked close to tears

You were grateful he apologized and quickly looked at the damage

It wasn’t on any of the sketches and was only limited to that page

So, you didn’t mind too much because nothing was ruined

He still offered to buy you food anyways to apologize

Belphegor

You left the sketchbook in the planetarium

He napped while you were drawing

He figured you were drawing the night sky

Something you often talked about how often you loved it

But when he saw a sketch of his sleep form instead, he had mixed emotions

How you managed to capture his features and he was surprised he looked peacefully when he slept

He started going through the other pages

He froze when he saw a drawing of him in his demon form

Unlike the sleeping drawing, he looked angry and evil

You had written a single sentence on the page

“When do the nightmares stop?”

Belphegor immediately recognized that this must have been how he looked when he killed you

His gut twisted, he had changed so much towards you

But you still had your fears

You were having nightmares because of him

When he gave you back your sketchbook

He pulled you into an uncharacteristic hug

Without mentioning the drawing

He promised to you he would keep you safe and never hurt you on purpose again.

#obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #lucifer obey me #mammon obey me #leviathan obey me #satan obey me #asmodeus obey me #beelzebub obey me #belphegor obey me #yuki writes #Yuki Writes!

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