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estapa-edwards · 5 hours

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"Team Sweetheart" and "Physical Therapist" are so gorgeous I've reread them both like 10 times! They leave me so full of butterflies I am positively buzzing! May I please make a request with Jack and a girl who has no knowledge/familiarity with hockey, or any sports for that matter? Maybe just them introducing eachother to their interests/worlds as their relationship develops and it's just nice to be with someone a bit removed from what Jack's life is centered around. Idk if that makes sense please ignore this if you don't like it.

CONNECTION - J . HUGHES

paring: Jack Hughes x reader

word count: 2k

requested? yes

warnings: use of y/n.

*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨*

Jack Hughes walked into the quiet café, eager for a break from the relentless pace of his hockey-centered life. The New Jersey Devils had been having a grueling season, and every moment off the ice felt like a precious escape. The café, tucked away in a corner of downtown Newark, had become his haven. Today, however, he was greeted by an unfamiliar face behind the counter.

“Hi, welcome to Brewed Awakening. What can I get you?” the girl asked with a warm smile. Her name tag read "Y/N."

Jack glanced at the menu, though he already knew what he wanted. “I’ll have a black coffee, please.”

Y/N nodded, her fingers flying over the buttons of the register. “Coming right up. Are you from around here?”

Jack hesitated. Despite his growing fame, he still enjoyed the anonymity of casual encounters. “Yeah, I live nearby. What about you?”

Y/N handed him his change and started preparing his coffee. “I just moved here for school. Trying to get the hang of the city and all.”

Jack smiled. “It’s a great place once you get to know it. What are you studying?”

“Art history. I know, it’s not exactly the most practical major, but it’s my passion,” she said with a slight laugh. “What about you? What do you do?”

Jack paused, unsure of how to respond. “I’m... in sports,” he said vaguely.

Y/N raised an eyebrow, intrigued by his hesitation. “Any particular sport?”

“Hockey,” he admitted. “I play for the New Jersey Devils.”

Her eyes widened slightly. “Oh, wow. I’m sorry, I don’t really follow sports. But that sounds impressive!”

Jack chuckled. “That’s okay. It’s actually kind of refreshing to meet someone who isn’t obsessed with hockey.”

Y/N handed him his coffee. “Well, I’m glad I could provide a break from the norm. Enjoy your coffee!”

As Jack took a seat by the window, he couldn’t help but feel a spark of curiosity about Y/N. She was different from anyone he had met in a long time. He found himself looking forward to his next visit to the café.

--- --- ---

Over the next few weeks, Jack found himself returning to Brewed Awakening more often. Each time, he and Y/N would chat for a few minutes, their conversations growing more personal with each encounter. Jack learned that Y/N was passionate about art, spending her weekends exploring museums and galleries. She, in turn, learned about Jack’s rigorous training schedule and the pressures of professional sports.

One rainy afternoon, Jack entered the café, drenched from practice. Y/N greeted him with a sympathetic smile. “Rough day?”

“Just a long one,” he replied, shaking off his wet jacket. “Do you have a break coming up? I’d love to hear more about this art thing you’re always talking about.”

Y/N’s eyes lit up. “Actually, I do. Give me five minutes to finish up here.”

A few minutes later, Y/N joined Jack at his table, a steaming cup of tea in her hands. “So, where should I start?”

“Tell me about your favorite artist,” Jack suggested, genuinely curious.

Y/N’s face brightened. “That’s a tough one, but I’d have to say Vincent van Gogh. His work is so emotional and raw. There’s something incredibly moving about the way he saw the world.”

Jack listened intently as Y/N described van Gogh’s turbulent life and vibrant paintings. He found himself captivated by her passion and the way she brought the art to life with her words.

“You should come to the museum with me sometime,” Y/N said, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. “I think you’d really enjoy it.”

Jack smiled. “I’d like that. And maybe I can take you to a hockey game in return?”

Y/N laughed. “Deal. But you’ll have to explain everything to me. I know absolutely nothing about hockey.”

Jack chuckled. “I think I can manage that.”

--- --- ---

Their first outing together was to the Newark Museum of Art. Jack was out of his element but excited to see the world through Y/N’s eyes. As they wandered through the galleries, Y/N explained the stories behind the paintings and sculptures, her voice filled with excitement and admiration.

“This is one of my favorites,” she said, stopping in front of a large, colorful painting. “It’s called ‘Starry Night Over the Rhône’ by van Gogh. Look at the way the stars and the reflections in the water create this almost dreamlike scene.”

Jack stared at the painting, trying to see it the way Y/N did. “It’s beautiful,” he said finally. “I can see why you like it so much.”

Y/N smiled. “I’m glad you think so. Art has always been a way for me to escape, to see the world differently.”

Jack nodded, understanding more than he expected. “Hockey is like that for me. When I’m on the ice, everything else fades away.”

A few days later, it was Y/N’s turn to step into Jack’s world. She had agreed to attend one of his games, despite her lack of knowledge about hockey. Jack had arranged for her to have a prime seat, and as she settled in, she couldn’t help but feel a mix of excitement and nervousness.

The arena was buzzing with energy, fans cheering and waving signs. Y/N watched in awe as the players took to the ice, their speed and skill mesmerizing. She spotted Jack, his focus intense as he prepared for the game.

Throughout the match, Y/N found herself on the edge of her seat, cheering along with the crowd even though she didn’t fully understand the rules. She couldn’t help but feel a surge of pride every time Jack made a play, his talent and dedication evident in every move.

After the game, Jack met her outside the locker room, still in his gear and grinning from ear to ear. “So, what did you think?”

“It was amazing!” Y/N exclaimed. “I had no idea hockey could be so intense. You were incredible out there.”

Jack laughed, relieved that she had enjoyed herself. “I’m glad you liked it. Maybe we can make a fan out of you yet.”

Y/N smiled. “Maybe. But only if you keep coming to art galleries with me.”

“Deal,” Jack agreed, feeling a warmth spread through him. Despite their different worlds, he felt a connection with Y/N that he hadn’t felt with anyone else.

--- --- ---

As the weeks turned into months, Jack and Y/N grew closer, finding comfort in their contrasting interests. They delighted in introducing each other to new experiences, each outing deepening their bond.

One sunny Saturday, Jack found himself at a local art supply store with Y/N. She was on a mission to find the perfect set of watercolors for a new project. Jack followed her through the aisles, amused by her enthusiasm.

"Do you paint?" Jack asked, curious.

"I dabble," Y/N replied with a grin. "Mostly for fun, though. It’s a great way to relax and let my mind wander."

Jack picked up a brush, twirling it between his fingers. "Maybe you could teach me sometime. I’ve never really done anything like this."

Y/N’s eyes lit up. "I’d love to! It’s really not about being perfect, just about expressing yourself."

A few days later, Y/N set up a makeshift studio in her apartment, covering the table with newspapers and setting out a variety of paints and brushes. Jack arrived, looking both excited and apprehensive.

"Ready to become the next Van Gogh?" Y/N teased, handing him a canvas.

Jack laughed. "I think that might be a stretch, but I’m ready to give it a shot."

As they painted side by side, Y/N offered gentle guidance, encouraging Jack to experiment with colors and shapes. Despite his initial uncertainty, Jack found himself enjoying the process. It was a welcome change from the structured, high-pressure world of hockey.

"You’re a natural," Y/N said, admiring Jack’s painting of a snowy landscape.

Jack shook his head with a chuckle. "I think you’re just being nice, but thanks. This is actually really fun."

Y/N smiled, pleased to see Jack so relaxed. "See? I knew you’d enjoy it."

Their relationship continued to flourish, each new experience bringing them closer together. Jack took Y/N to more games, patiently explaining the rules and strategies. Y/N, in turn, took Jack to more art exhibits and even a few art classes.

One evening, after a particularly thrilling game, Jack and Y/N found themselves at a quiet diner, sharing a plate of fries. Jack looked at Y/N, feeling a surge of gratitude.

"You know, I never thought I’d enjoy learning about art so much," Jack admitted. "But being with you has opened my eyes to so many new things."

Y/N reached across the table, squeezing his hand. "And I never thought I’d enjoy sports, but you’ve made it so much fun. It’s nice to have someone to share these experiences with."

Jack smiled, feeling a deep sense of contentment. Despite their different backgrounds, they had found a way to connect on a profound level. It was a rare and precious thing, and Jack knew he wanted to hold onto it.

--- --- ---

As their relationship grew stronger, Jack and Y/N began to face the challenges that came with their differing worlds. Jack’s demanding schedule often kept them apart, and Y/N’s art exhibitions sometimes took her to different cities.

One evening, after a particularly grueling week of practice and games, Jack called Y/N, his voice heavy with exhaustion. "I miss you," he admitted. "It feels like we haven’t seen each other in ages."

Y/N sighed, feeling the distance keenly. "I miss you too. It’s hard, but we’ll get through it. How about we plan something special for next weekend? Just us."

Jack’s spirits lifted at the thought. "That sounds perfect. Let’s go somewhere quiet, away from everything."

The following weekend, they escaped to a cabin in the woods, a peaceful retreat where they could unwind and reconnect. They spent their days hiking through the forest, cooking meals together, and sitting by the fire, talking about everything and nothing.

One evening, as they sat on the porch, watching the sunset, Jack took Y/N’s hand. "I’m really glad we’re doing this," he said softly. "It’s exactly what I needed."

Y/N rested her head on his shoulder. "Me too. It’s nice to just be us, without all the noise."

As they sat in comfortable silence, Jack realized how much Y/N meant to him. She had become his anchor, a source of joy and calm in his hectic life. He knew their relationship wasn’t always easy, but he was willing to face any challenge as long as they were together.

With the hockey season winding down, Jack finally had more time to spend with Y/N. They began to talk about their future, their conversations filled with excitement and hope.

One sunny afternoon, they found themselves at a local park, lying on a blanket and watching the clouds drift by. Jack turned to Y/N, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Have you ever thought about what comes next for us?" he asked.

Y/N smiled, her heart swelling with affection. "I think about it all the time. I want us to keep exploring new things together, to keep supporting each other’s passions."

Jack nodded, feeling a sense of certainty. "I want that too. And I want you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what. Your dreams are just as important as mine."

Y/N reached out, brushing a strand of hair from Jack’s face. "And I’m here for you, always. We’ll figure it out together."

As they lay there, hand in hand, Jack knew they were embarking on a new chapter of their lives. It wouldn’t always be easy, but with Y/N by his side, he felt ready for anything. They had built a strong foundation, one based on mutual respect and a genuine love for each other’s worlds. And as they looked towards the future, they knew that together, they could face whatever came their way.

#hockey #nhl x reader #new jersey devils #nj devils #jack hughes #jack hughes x reader #jack hughes x y/n #jack hughes blurb

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grudgebird · 3 days

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Deku & Shigaraki confrontation was a mess. Can the aftermath salvage it?

There were things in 424 that gave me wimpish hope that the heroes are going to address the ills of their society: Shigaraki's last words, lines about how the end of war doesn't ensure peace and how they need to go beyond to create a brighter future. It would complete the theme of new generation surpassing the previous. And it would make Shigaraki's ending a little more meaningful: His destruction brought about a new world where his people get to be happy. Even if he didn't get to be happy with them.

However, the war arc itself didn't exactly leave me with that impression. The story pulled some impressive sleight of hand by first introducing systemic issues, but then when it came time for heroes to do some self-reflection the issues turned into individual ones. When Deku and Tomura shared memories, Deku didn't learn about how the hero system he seeks to uphold led to the creation of someone like Shigaraki. The bystander effect, despite having been Shigaraki's main damage throughout the manga, got forgotten about. With Toga and Dabi I can see the explanation that their personal and individualized issues made for more exciting climaxes. And in the epilogue, the good guys will make sure that no more children have to suffer like they did. But Tomura died without anyone hearing his story - and if Deku doesn't know his story, how is he going to make sure Tenko's tragedy won't be repeated?

Even if the heroes go on to fix shit in the epilogue, I'm gonna have this nasty murmur in my brain…Why didn't someone give Shigaraki the memo?? It's just painful that Tomura didn't get answers from Deku when he ASKED "what do you seek to build?" (417). And then the story answers that question when Tomura isn't there to hear it??

Makes me miserable to think that this all could have been avoided, if only Deku had actually engaged with Tomura: Maybe the promise of change could have made Tomura have mercy upon the world. We didn't get to know! As is, Tomura's death felt so preventable it is driving me crazy!!

I guess the story could turn Deku's failure to save Tomura into a learning experience for him. But I'm afraid it's not going to, given Deku was already hailed as the greatest hero by All Might, who also assured that it's okay Deku turned Shigaraki into powder because "his heart was saved" (what good is a saved heart if he didn't get to carry it?). And how killing Tomura didn't seem to affect Deku beyond "aw shucks, anyways...". And OH brother...the framing of the punch that ended Shigaraki's life...Deku did a victory pose and the clouds parted to make way for sunshine as he fucking exterminated the man. Doesn't at all feel like the story is treating Shigaraki's death as the horrible thing that it is.

He still has to give Shigaraki's final words to Spinner (when that happens, i die). Spinner's reaction could be Deku's wake up call. It was wrong for Deku to ignore Shigaraki's words and treat him as if his inner child was the only thing about him worth a damn. Shigaraki was a whole human being!! He was loved and loving!!

Even if the epilogue by miracle ends up being some amazing fiction that addresses the problems of hero society, I'm gonna be positively surprised...But I will never forgive the series for what it did to my dearest Tomura.

#as always please share your thoughts! love to hear them #bnha #bnha spoilers #bnha critical #bnha 424 #i still have some lingering hope that tomura comes back #cause everything about this is so crooked i cant believe my eyes #but even if he comes back (thanks to league's wishing energy i bet)#that doesnt save the mess that was their confrontation #deku killing shigaraki and then saying “i couldn't save tenko's life” is like that eric andre shooting a guy meme #you punched him to oblivion lol what do you meeean you couldn't save his life #shigaraki tomura

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ember-not-amber · 2 days

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I know that everyone is saying that Jason is the reason Aarmau became canon in MCD but I recently re-watched the MCD 4 year anniversary livestream and Jess said that she was always planning on Aphmau getting with Aaron so could she be leaving something out bc everyone on here seems to believe it was solely because of Jason and that can’t be for no reason, right?

-Transcript of what Jess said below the cut-

{40:15 - 43:46}

“‘So you wanted to have a reverse harem?’ [someone in the chat] asked, um to a certain extent, so a lot of what you're gonna hear me say on the stream very much will contradict some things I have said in the past and the reason that I am bringing this to light now is because at the time I did not know how to handle certain situations I was in, I'm not gonna get into a lot of things, but just know that a lot of things I say on this stream are less censored than they were back then. Some things I honestly did say because I was scared back then, I had no idea how to handle a massive influx of audience, I had no idea how to be a YouTuber, I had no idea how to respond to public criticism. It was definitely an experience for me that made me learn a lot about dealing with people and how at the end of the day, I really should've said what was on my mind. So when you ask about a reverse harem, I really did want that to happen in Diaries, but I didn't want it to happen the way that you see it happening in like, um, or in high school where everyone was super after Aphmau or like, you know, super interested in her I wanted to do that concept but I wanted her to more about what was going on in the world and not super about love and the reason for that was because a lot of what she was going through was more so pressure from having to be...what it was more so about for Aphmau was her trying to basically deal with the world as a Lord which was something that was super stressful at the time because she has to deal with all these people you know, doing this stuff and for her it felt like...she had more concern about the people around her than her herself so the idea was that she was going to ignore a lot of her feelings for others, not act on her own emotions cause you see that happening throughout a lot of Diaries, she ignores the kids she adopts a lot very often she doesn't have time for herself, it's almost like she's so engrossed in the world that she's in and helping others that she doesn't even think about that herself so in Season 2 when she has this moment of epiphany that ‘hey, I can have what I want for myself, I can do what I want for myself’. When that happens she makes an impulse decision, but that's a decision she wants. We'll get into that a little bit later, it's a very, um I had more complex thought about this than I actually talked about and that was something that was very, very, um for me again, it became a lot about shipping, it became a lot about being afraid of having an audience that would talk about you online, it became a lot of fear for me as a creator with what was going on at the time. And I'll talk to you guys about that in a little bit but just know that that was a thing that I was going through back then as a younger creator, now that I'm an older creator I realized 'hey, I should tell the story the way I want to tell it and not how people are telling me to tell it' again, we'll get into that later on."

{44:13 - 45:16}

"OH MY GOD something I hate about the harem concept by the way, something that always bothered me, and this was from the very beginning and this was something that I thought about because I was like, ‘it's either gonna be someone else, it's not gonna be the one that two people think, it's got to be someone else’ because I hate the harem concept where, in anime, this happens a lot, the girl can't make a decision towards the end so guess what? the creator leaves it open-ended like Haruhi and Tamaki (from Ouran High School Host Club) guess what? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE GETS WITH! AND FRICKIN IN FRUITS BASKET YUKI AND uh, what's his name? frickin...OH THE CATBOY I CAN'T THINK OF HIS NAME OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD! IT'S ALWAYS OPEN-ENDED, THEY CAN NEVER GIVE THE CHICK THE CHANCE TO MAKE A DECISION FOR HERSELF ABOUT WHO SHE REALLY LIKES AND WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS you know? ... Look, I have strong feelings about harems, like harem animes, and how I feel like, if you're gonna let the chick make a choice, let her make a choice that she wants, okay? Just let it happen, okay??"

{47:00 - 47:11}

"Oh yeah, I don't like when harems do that to the main chick, they're like, ‘oh she can only get with one or the other, she can't get with anybody else! Cause that's what we built up to!’ NO, NOT IN MY STORY, we ain't doing that stuff here!"

{1:24:11 - 1:26:52}

*After re-watching that scene from S2 ep 20*

"So for me, I love watching those scenes. I think for me, it's more so the fact that I look back on them and I'm like ‘Why didn't I do this?! Why did I do this?! OH MY GOD I COULD HAVE DONE THAT!’ so it's like... it's very interesting. I think that was the first, no, that was like the second crazy uh, I wanted to give basically all of the love interests a Big Moment in a lot of the stuff, so Garroth had his moment in Season 1, Laurance had his moment in Season 2, Dante was supposed to have a moment because Dante, and I think I forget who else it was um, I think it was Fenrir, I seriously have to look back on my stupid docs, but there were supposed to be more love interests for Aphmau and it just didn't happen because at the time, if you were a fan back then you might have lived through the Great Garmau v. Laurmau War, I did, I was there for everything, and trust me, it wasn't a pretty sight. But my intent was, because I mentioned this in the stream earlier, I did not like the way that harems, specifically reverse harems worked when it came to giving the main character, usually the female main character, a choice. They didn't get like, they had between two options and for me I wanted to break that, I wanted to have it a little bit up in the air and have it more open to who she could be with and that she would make her own choice. And she does make her own choice in later episodes, but that's not what people like, enjoyed and I'll get into that in a little bit because this is something that I think changed the course of how I went about writing Diaries in the future and why I believe I fell out of... why I believe I felt a great pressure on me as a writer and as a creator and why I believe that I've, well at least for me, somewhat I believe, it's what I feel, I felt that I was dragged out of writing Diaries because I gave in to what other people wanted and to what was demanded of me basically, cause I didn't know how to handle stuff like that as a content creator."

{1:58:46 - 2:19:18}

"My original idea was to have a harem with Aphmau but she wouldn't be getting with the main two guys, and if I said anything about that back then then who would you guys have to root for? What would you be watching for? This was my intent that I had, that I didn't want to talk about because honestly, like, how do you say that? Like, ‘OH BY THE WAY, YOU MAY BE ROOTING FOR A TEAM BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN’ you don't wanna give away the story! For me, I wanted to have a female character who was able to pick for herself and a HUGE part that I think most people did not like at the time was the fact that she couldn't pick, because Aphmau would often say that she's not ready for romance, she's not ready for love and that was intended, that was basically her trying to say, ‘Hey, I'm a Lord, I'm a frickin working woman who's got like, all this bs on my plate, I gotta manage these adopted kids, I gotta take care of this other bs with the stupid villagers not being able to build their own villages, I gotta go talk to the frickin daughter of Scaleswind who gets kidnapped, and I gotta go do this stupid stuff where I'm getting stuck in wyvern dimensions and holy crap!’. She's gone through so much emotional stuff and during this entire time while you're on the ride with her not once does she give a crap about herself, not once does she say ‘Oh my god, I'm gonna have a spa day for me!’ even though there's a spa day later on in the episodes she's like ‘Oh my god I'm gonna relax for me!’ NO! EVERY FRICKIN DAY SHE'S DEALING WITH PROBLEMS! Anyway, for her she had a hard time, a serious hard time even picking between Laurance and Garroth. Though they had all these romantic scenes at the time that were on camera she had a hard time with that. It was basically them knowing that they had the Jedi Code in their blood where they couldn't really- and I don't know if you guys knew that in one of the episodes we actually do talk about the guards not falling in love with their Lords because that's a BAD thing and as you can see it turned out to be a bad thing! Who knew?! So yes, she ends up um, the guards, Laurance and Garroth end up falling in love with her, their Lord even though they know the Jedi Code, they can't do that and yeah, I say ‘Jedi Code’ but there is a guard code where they're just like ‘Hey maybe you shouldn't fall in love with your Lord because that might be a bad thing!’ and it does turn out to be a bad thing, Garroth ends up being very selfish for his brother?? Uh, I forget how that all played out but I know Garroth thought he saw Aphmau and Laurance kissing and then without like, actually talking to them about it he's like, ‘I'M GONNA BETRAY THE VILLAGE RIGHT NOW!’ so um, yeah! Now, you're probably saying, ‘Oh man, Aphmau wasn't ready for romance, then what was The Forest?’ prior to this I was building up subtly, very subtly Aphmau and Aaron's relationship. Laurance and Garroth had more screen time in terms of like, actually- and this is where I feel, as a writer and as a producer I made a mistake, because I did not show romantic interest from Aaron to Aphmau in a way that was more romanticized. I showed a more mature kind of relationship where it was like, if you remember back when we had the Isabel Arc Aaron was buying Aphmau clothes and stuff like that; small little gestures from time to time where it was supposed to be implied and this is more of a kind of behind the scenes kind of like idea of love and of a mature relationship kind of forming. One of the things Aaron absolutely knew, because as you guys know Aaron was a Lord, is that he understood the pressure Aphmau was going through as a Lord, he had a lot in common with her in terms of having guards, having the responsibility of everyone in the village on your shoulders, he understood what Aphmau was going through and knew that he should not try to put any pressure on her.

And I don't think many people in this world of Diaries understood that unless you were a Lord and I think most Lords either became corrupted or they became- there was super righteous and super corrupted and then there was kind of like in the middle where they didn't really care. So with that being said, at the time I was super set on eventually Aphmau and Aaron having a relationship and I wanted it to be more so a kind of lustful relationship than something- a lustful relationship that had a mature understanding that ‘Hey, we're Lords and we have to basically keep this between us because we understand that our villages in the Phoenix Alliance is gonna freak out if we like, show that Aphmau is like,’ I don't know like, Aphmau had a really hard time with emotions and a really hard time with kind of observing the people around her and was more so like ‘Yeah I wanna get my job as a Lord done’ and just ignoring her own wants and needs. And I feel like I could explain this a lot better if I wrote this out cause I'm not really good at verbally explaining these kinds of things but yeah, so when I decided to go through with Aphmau and Aaron a lot of fans were mad like, very mad. So as you all know, in this episode (S2 ep 73) you have Aphmau and Aaron actually talking about- they're talking a lot about what's going on, ‘one mistake. It might take one small misstep, but if you aren't careful: you can lose everything’ this is not just a lesson that Aphmau MCD was learning, it was a lesson that I was learning as a creator. It was really something that- before Aaron, even before Aaron with Laurance and Garroth, I don't know if you guys ever got to see how bad things were. How the shipping of Garroth and Laurance, not even Aaron at this time because Aaron wasn't involved in the picture, but during Season 1 how bad it got to the point where I had to ban so many comments, like I know people these days complain about Aarmau shippers, I don't think that they even come as close to what I had to deal with emotionally as a creator and a writer when it came to... and this is not ALL please don't think that this is every Garmau shipper, every Laurmau shipper, I'm assuming everyone was just young back then and I don't hold it against anybody, but it was a very interesting time because it felt like I had to adhere to Garmau and Laurmau, I couldn't do anything differently with Aphmau. If I tried to introduce another male character to Aphmau's like, circle be it Aaron, be it like uh, Fenrir or be it uh, shoot, even frickin Malachi for some reason, I don't know why, that was weird. It got to a point where I was getting emails from fans, very hateful emails, I had a lot of stuff happened during this- this was Garmau and Laurmau and I had to block a lot of comments and that's why, comparatively for you guys as fans you may remember those memories fondly, but I don't and that's because- I mean I remember the good fondly, don't get me wrong I enjoyed the good times but I remember having to block so many comments to other people on my channel about people basically telling like, the Garmau fans telling the Laurmau fans to go do something to themselves and hurt themselves and then the Laurmau to the Garmau- I blocked a lot of those comments so you guys never saw them because we had a smaller community back then, it was easier for me to monitor comments nowadays, I can't do that, it's very difficult for me to do that. With that being said, I got a lot of emails from fans back then that were just very malicious, very hurtful and I remember Jason telling me, ‘Hey, just do what you wanna do in your story’ and so I did, I said ‘Hey, I want Aphmau to get with Aaron’ and then what happened after that when this happened and obviously the episode happened when she was pregnant, obviously and obviously you can see their [Aphmau & Aaron's in S2 ep 73] conversation here it gets very deep and again, I can go in a little bit further about this, but after this event happened there was a scene that I wrote, because when this happened a lot of people were basically-

and forgive me if I'm like, talking about this in the wrong way? Again, I feel like I can convey my thoughts better on paper better than I can in public, especially in person. Basically after this whole scene here and I'm sure you guys know this scene, especially if you look at the comments you'll know exactly what I'm talking about [S2 ep 98] this is the scene that I wrote because I was afraid of very rabid fans at the time. I didn't know how to handle it and basically say ‘Hey, this is what I wanna do for my story, this is how I wanna go about it’ and so I went into this with Aphmau and Garroth and I had Garroth basically yell at Aphmau and essentially call her a slut. But- and understand where his frustrations come from, I could get behind the idea that he would react this way but at the same time, looking at his past actions, looking at what he's done in the past and how all of this was caused- not obviously, not solely by his actions but this whole time skip era was pretty much a huge part of his doing, which was intended by the way, he was gonna have a more different reaction than this one and this was the one that I wrote because I was very much afraid of my fan base at the time uh, not my fan base, not ALL YOU GUYS but like the more rabid parts of it, I didn't know what to do. I was getting messages that Aphmau was a slut, she was just like this person who just did whatever she wanted even though granted, everything she's been through in the past was something that she never re- she did things for people but when she did the one thing for herself everyone turned on her. At least, everyone as in represented by Garroth, it's a very interesting thing to think about. And again, I could very much talk about this a little bit more... it's uh, again a very sensitive topic for me because this scene here, this is the scene I wrote because I did not know how to handle my fan base, I did not know how to talk to people, I did not know how to say ‘this is my decision that this is what I'm doing and honestly, I wanted Garroth to have a different reaction here’ because he reflects on what he's done but he rams into Aph- like, not rams into Aphmau, he- I don't know it's a very... I guess sensitive topic for me because of the way he reacts. So this scene, in particular, was one I did not want to write, this is one that I was just like... yeah and it sucked and this was the scene where I basically took what I was being told and translated it to Garroth to have it told back to the character. Not that I'm associating my own self with the Aphmau character but I think a lot of people do, and again, for me the Aaron and Aphmau relationship was very much a mature relationship in Diaries which is why in Mystreet you see it toned down quite a bit. This taught me a lot about youtube and doing what I wanna do and making it so I feel comfortable with the content that I'm making but yeah, just know that this is the scene that I just was like- it was me basically giving up my creativ- this was the scene that made me feel like I was giving up my creativity to satisfy what other people wanted and that sucked. And so when people say things like ‘Aw man, she's just done this for the fans and she's just done this!’ like in terms of story like obviously there are some things that I do do for you guys but they're not like things that I don't wanna do, they're things that I like, ‘Hey I would like to do this because I see that you guys like this and I wanna do this’ this was a thing where it was like, ‘I'm seeing this reaction, I don't wanna do this but I feel so bad that I have to do this’ so if you're an artist, for what this felt like for me, is when people say ‘Hey I don't like your style, your style should be the way I think it should be and if it's not that way you're doing it wrong’ it was like this really, a like hurtful moment where you almost give up something that you don't want to give up but you're so afraid of what people think about you that you don't know how to deal with it so you just do what they wanna do.

So for me, this scene is the example of rushed and forced. I make fun of that joke a lot and I know a lot of people use that to say stuff about stories, but this story right here changed a direction for me as a writer, for Diaries, it changed a lot and it made me... I don't know, like if I were to remake this, this scene would be changed, this scene would absolutely be changed. So anyway, it sucks, it really does suck but honestly, I don't blame anybody for that I truly like to think that what this was an example of was people were young and when I think of people who fight over ships, I think of young people usually, I don't think of older people and I think that as people who are older especially it's a good idea to try to- and some people overreact, yeah that's perfectly fine I think we all do every now and then. But a good way to kind of think about this is you have to help people learn and people are gonna make mistakes, so I don't hold it against anyone. I don't think that you know, Garmau shippers are bad or Laurmau shippers are bad or Aarmau shippers are bad, I've seen the worst, I've seen the absolute worst of each of them and you know, it's just the way things are and I don't blame any one of them. I honestly just think it was an experience that I personally probably needed to go through as a creator but it was the last time I ever let people super decide what I was going to do as a content creator and if any content creators are out there watching this right now and you're like ‘Hey I need to do what people are yelling at me to do’ don't do that. Obviously if it's a mistake you should apologize but if it's something where it's just like ‘Hey I just want to tell a story for fun and I just wanna do this to make it like my own thing’ then do your own thing because if you do not do what you want to do in a story and you try to cater to people it will hurt you, your creativity, it will hurt your drive."

#original post #aphblr #aphmau #jessica bravura #jesson #jason bravura #aphmau minecraft diaries #aphmau mcd #minecraft diaries

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your-internet-bf · 1 day

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I love living in the city, but sometimes I wish I lived where there were fewer people. Not because I don't like people, but it would make it so much easier to take advantage of you.

Imagine your car breaks down, way out in the middle of nowhere. No cell service, and it's getting dark, so you're a little scared. You've heard the advice to ask the first person you see, instead of waiting for someone to find you, right? Fortunately, the first person you see is me.

When I get out of my truck, you feel a wave of fear. I'm not that tall, but my shoulders are very broad, and it makes you very aware of how small you are by comparison. But I'm perfectly friendly. Where are you headed? Oh sure, I'm headed that way too. Yeah, sure sucks that there's no cell, there's no way you can get a tow truck out here... Maybe I can take a look at it?

So while you turn back to your car, trying to calm down, you don't even notice that it's not a toolbox I'm getting from my backseat. You don't see the duct tape until it's far, far too late.

You try to run into the woods, but I'm faster.

I catch you against a tree, and you struggle against me, but I'm stronger.

My hands close around your throat, and my feverish eyes meet yours. The last thing you hear before sleep takes you is, "do you know why you're gonna be mine, dolly? Because you can't stop me."

When you come to, your head is still swimming. It's cold and dark down here, wherever here is, and your bare knees are uncomfortable as you kneel on the thin black carpet. When you try to stand up, you find your hands tied behind your back, chained to some fixture in the wall. You look around wildly. It's a large room, with a few tables with chairs around them, a bar counter off to one side, and what are clearly some televisions on the walls. When you see me sitting on the stairs across the room, you panic. Your screams are muffled by the duct tape across your mouth, and your chain does not give.

I stand up and stalk towards you - the only sounds in this room are your panicked breathing and the ominous tread of my boots as I draw closer.

I reach down and cup your face in one hand, then tilt your head up by your chin. My hands are strong and sure and smell like metal. I slide one finger across the duct tape over your mouth, then pause.

"I'm gonna take this off now, and you better behave, alright?"

You nod, and I remove the tape. Trembling, you do not scream. I step back and begin undressing, unbuckling my pants and sliding them down my legs. In spite of yourself, you gasp when you see my cock. I'm twice the size of your boyfriend - three times as big, if you're unlucky. You look up at me in apprehension.

"Please, please -"

I slap you, your head rocking back against the brick wall behind you.

"Shh, shh, shh... Easy, girl, easy. I won't hurt you more than I have to, alright?"

I stroke your hair, like I'm petting you. Touch-starved as you are, the gesture is comforting.

With one hand, I guide my cock to your mouth. I smell good. It's a deep, rich, almost spicy scent, tinged with sweat, and you find yourself almost... almost enjoying it. But that can't be right, can it? I push against your lips and, obedient, you open for me.

It's thick, and heavy. You feel me push it into your mouth, down your throat, feeling the veins and ridges in intimate detail as you struggle to handle my size. You close your eyes, and from above you hear me say, "that's it, that's it, you're doing so well..."

I groan in pleasure as I fit the last inch of me down your throat, and as your nose presses into my bush you feel an unmistakable warm ache between your legs.

I brace my hands against the wall above and start jerking off using your throat. Your skull bounces painfully against the wall behind you a couple of times before you learn to hold back for me, to make it easier for me, to offer yourself as a better toy for me, and you feel that ache inside you grow as you debase yourself for me, for this big, strong man raping you, because you've been dreaming about this, haven't you, to be used by a big, strong man with a big, thick cock, isn't that right? My breath comes hard and fast, now, catching in my throat, but as you feel the first of my cum shoot down your throat I pull out abruptly. I stroke myself as I cum, huge, hot, sticky loads onto your face, your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, your lips, your chin.

You gasp for air, and I stand before you, panting, cock still throbbing. I kneel down, and wipe my cum off your eyelids with my thumb. When you open your eyes, I'm holding it in front of your mouth, and that feverish look in my eyes fixes you in place like a deer in headlights.

"Clean it up."

"I don't -"

I slap you again, and your head rocks back against the brick once more.

"I'm not a monster. You can ask me questions. I hope we can even be friends someday. But when I tell you to do something, you do it, do you understand me?"

Fighting back tears, you nod quickly.

There's a genuine, friendly smile on my face as I reply, "good. Oh, before I forget..." I pull something out of my back pocket - a collar. A leather dog collar. I fasten it around your neck, carefully making sure it isn't choking you.

"Now, clean it up."

I hold up the palm of the hand I slapped you with, still slick with my cum from your face, and you lick it clean, feeling the lines in my palm with your tongue. I push my fingers into your mouth, strong and thick, as you suck them clean, swallowing every drop. The ache between your legs grows insidiously.

Finally, I kiss the remaining spots off your pretty little face and spit into your mouth. I smile again, genuinely, and you nervously smile back. I step back and start dressing myself again, and you watch in silence, before you work up the courage to ask, "what am I doing here? Why me?"

"I picked you because I could feel it in you, when we met. I could tell how bad you need it. As for what you're doing here..."

I walk back to the stairs and flip a few switches on the wall. The lights come on, and somewhere up the staircase a door opens, and you hear the unmistakable noise of a crowd.

"I run a little club, and I think you'll be very, very popular."

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by-glass-and-waves · 1 day

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i read the other day that the Wild West started in the mid 19th century, so i started to imagine a scene in your AU where in the middle of a dramatic moment between Narinder and Lamb, someone like Leshy barges into the room dressed in full cowboy gear shouting YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHERE I'VE BEEN

I am horrid and forgot to check my inbox again

While 19th Century AU focuses on the Regency era (early 1800s) where you had Pride and Prejudice and what have you, it is the 19th Century AU and Wild Westing would be pretty cool to add. Perhaps outside of the Kingdom's provinces? The frontiers? Land that Shamura has conquered? Hmmm.

I can totes see Leshy taking a trip over to the frontiers just cause. He would be giddy af to show off everything. Including the guns.

Quickly wrote a scene below which includes some backstory? Thank you this is an interesting addition actually

cw guns and Leshy not knowing gun discipline

Narinder: He is sitting at his desk, looking over reports from the Trading Company. While he enjoys the benefits of wealth and the skills he learned as Minister of Trade as Prince, he still finds little pleasure in reviewing ledgers and manifests.

Allani: She glares at him as she throws some flowers on top of one of the reports. "Damned employer, must you send me another bouquet of flowers—"

The door opens, revealing Prince Leshy in an unusual garb. Narinder grimaces, knowing where his younger brother ventured to.

Leshy: He saunters over with a grin. "Brother! Why have you not told me more tales of the frontier?" He pulls something from his holster and points it at Allani, which makes Narinder stand up sharply. "Look at this fine piece of technology! Did you know how they use this? Why has Kallamar never refined such a tool?"

Narinder: Narinder rushes forward to block him from unintentionally shooting Allani. "Put that down, you fool! Do not dare play with that as if it was a toy!"

Leshy: He continues to act carelessly, waving the gun around and unaware that his finger is on the trigger. "There is nothing to worry about! I don't think it is that dang—"

A shot rings through the air. Leshy freezes and Narinder's eyes widen as they hear a cry. He turns to Allani and grabs her shoulders, looking her over for any wounds.

Narinder: "Lamb! Allani, did the projectile strike you?"

Allani: She pushes his hands off her, confused. "What projectile? The loud noise? What the hell just hit the desk?"

They all look at the desk. There is a smoking hole in the bouquet and one of the reports. The temperature of the room drops as Narinder slowly turns back to Leshy.

Narinder: "You damned fool. There is a reason why those are forbidden in the Kingdom. Do you want a recurrence of what happened seven years ago?"

Leshy: He drops the revolver, ashamed and horrified. "Wait, this was the type of weapon that Shamura was—"

Narinder: He freezes the gun and crushes it with his foot. He pushes his brother out of the room. "Get out. Get out!"

—

I think Leshy spends the next month wearing Wild West fashion before Kallamar yells at him to stop wearing it as pajamas or something. However, he refrains from purchasing another gun.

Also slight reference to backstory oops, thank you again for giving me the idea of adding guns to the backstory

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hammill-goes-fogwalking · 2 months

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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.

#not dislike. its hate #it made me cry several times today #thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers #and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING #its so painful to think of it #today I broke down in the bus and cried #idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside #maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams #the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days #this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste #*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS #the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously #this breaks my heart #dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons #AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔

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sherlock-is-ace · 2 months

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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment #wow #i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying #if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time #and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted #so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself #because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to #go in myself either way was way worse to me #because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to #''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever #and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in #and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed #although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous #but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this #that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...

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kyouka-supremacy · 1 year

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#Just read with my own two eyes the take that sskk dating would be illegal in Japan and like.#sorry if this sounds rude but can Twitter please start discourse over it I want to witness it so bad aksvdbksbdjsnsvsksvska #I've been giggling for the last five minutes this. unironically made my day this concept is so so funny I'm ecstatic #Like. I don't even know where to begin I can't stop laughing. But someone thinking that Akutagawa who's like.#a notorious mafioso and serial killer with a reasonably high body count. Would think twice about the legality of dating someone–#two (2) years younger than him???? Like THAT was the issue with dating Atsushi????????I'm hysterical #But even beyond that... I think it kinda speaks of what internet culture become–#that people started thinking dating someone two years younger than you is illegal. wtf.#It is... Guys nobody needs to hear this- except apparently someone does? But dating is never illegal. Having sex with a minor is.#There's like. quite a difference akdbfbskbdjsksbdksbdks #I'm trying so so hard to be polite about this but there's an inner beast inside me that can't help but laugh akdbdjsbsksbsk #I'm sorry there IS some kind of social commentary that could be done here but right now I'm just too busy laughing #And I mean this with no malice seriously!! Best thing I've read all week #Anyways to that person. I love you. Please learn the law. Never change #random rambles

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britneyshakespeare · 1 month

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genuinely also curious from other ppl who have drawn from live models. whenever i talk about this experience ppl ask me if the models were all attractive and young and in-shape. in my figure drawing class only two of the regular models could somewhat fit that description. most of them were middle-aged or older people of ordinary (but diverse) proportions. like my experience may not be representative but i find it curious that ppl hear about modelling for a drawing class and wonder if that's like a hot 20-something job. it doesn't seem to be lol

#this is ok to reblog btw i wanna start a discussion #text post #reblog bait #life drawing #figure drawing #like i would be willing to bet there's some body discrimination in some places #where they might have a wider selection of ppl willing to work?#i DONT know anything about working as a model or how ppl get into it or do it steadily on the side #it does seem like an interesting gig for sure. not one i'd wanna get into myself but i'd love to hear abt it from someone who does it #or just observations from other ppl who have taken drawing classes w live models #in my experience (admittedly limited) of looking at reference websites of nude figures... some of them are more 'young and hot'#which kinda DOES NOT surprise me. bc they want ppl to BUY permission to use those photos as drawing references #and perhaps ppl are willing to lay down more money for pretty people? idk. or again it could just be a hiring preference by photographers #could be a multitude of factors.#but it's kind of unnecessary bc in order to learn the fundamentals of drawing realistic bodies u gotta draw a lot of them #u have to see different positions and different features and different shapes and overall different ppl #i miss drawing from live models. most of all for the gestural sessions. those were REALLY fun #very satisfying as warm-up exercises. quick and fast-paced and spontaneous. you cant get that at home

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creepyscritches · 1 year

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I'm going to be interviewing for a position move I've been dying to get into since I started my career and I'm 🥺 my superiors almost tailored the position to me before ever talking to me abt if I was interested and I've had two different employees (one mine and one on our sister team) independently reach out to ask if I was going for the position--one of them even told her supervisor that she and the other hiring manager should pick me for the role 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I love my job.....

#Creepy chatter #It's not even a case of 'I need to move for more money or better conditions'#I'm so cozy and happy in my current role but I wanna have more responsibility and bandwidth to look out for my guys #In a more official capacity at least. I already body block goofy shit before it gets to my team #Literally the first job I've had where the money feels secondary 😭 I'm surrounded by such intelligent good people every day dudes...#Literally at least 15 people a day would be keen to hear me infodump on various cancers bc I'm a fucking freak that loves oncology #And we got someone like that abt obstetrics (gods strongest warrior frfr...) and ophthalmology etc etc #AND? I can use my critical care knowledge w/o having to work heartbreaking ICU records all day #Coding 6 separate teen suicide attempts in a week + having to read the family/MD care discussions literally darkened my brain it was awful #Eventually I got numb to most of it but idk. I was good at it sure but I didn't like feelin like I was losin my emotional depth for tragedy #Now my knowledge is repurposed to explain what documented vent dependence looks like vs a pt being on a vent #Or like sepsis protocols to show activity status (like taking a repeat lactate every 6hrs or parental abx)#Bc none of that is really smth you can learn outside the specialty--not that deep at least.#Gather round my little colleagues I'm so excited to talk abt how urosepsis is not true sepsis and then Q/A on blood cancers :3 #No emotionally devastating records needed!#Suicide cw #jic--I know I've worked in some traumatic specialties #Oops lol *parenteral abx #Autocomplete doesn't believe me when I type shit 🙄

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teaboot · 4 months

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On of the less intuitive things about love, I've found, of any kind, is the importance of needing things.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.

It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.

I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.

My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.

Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.

It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.

I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".

Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.

Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.

It's not needy, or selfish, or taking up energy. It's giving the gift of being wanted, and needed, and thought of. It's giving someone the security of being part of someone's life.

#Ramble #Sorry I just took my sleeping pills lol #Seepy

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catmask · 6 months

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tbh when i hear some people talk about 'breaking cycles of abuse', it becomes clear pretty quickly who has come to understand that phrase to mean 'since i was a victim of abuse/neglect by my parents/caretaker/s i will do everything to be nothing like them' and that is all. its not a completely flawed way of thinking either - something that hurt you would very likely hurt someone else; through empathy we learn to understand not to hurt others the way we were hurt too.

but what 'breaking cycles' looks like is more complicated than just not being your parents/caretakers - it's about recognizing how the things that happened to you changed you and how you can heal so you don't hurt someone else in turn. the survival skills you learned in an unhealthy enviroment often translate to poor if not unhealthy interpersonal skills in an enviroment where things ARE safe.

its a difficult pill to swallow for a lot of survivors of abuse (trust me, i know) because we have a tendency to simply want our pain to be recognized. by painting yourself as "absolutely nothing like my abuser" you can abstain from recognizing your own harmful tendencies and live comfortably in the role of victim hood for the rest of your life. it can be tempting to do this especially when so many people will do their best to deny what you experienced - almost like leaning into a stuck door that just won't budge.

the problem with this is if you never recognize that being mistreated made it so you LACK a lot of what other people learned from a loving enviroment, you can hurt people pretty badly even when doing your best just not to replicate what your parents/caretakers got wrong.

this also hurts for victims because, when it comes down to it - it's not FAIR. you were hurt for no reason, and most of us will never hear an apology or even admittance from the person who did it - so why do YOU have to change? why do YOU, the person hurt unjustly, have to put in the work?

and i mean. that's what breaking a cycle is. it means pushing against what's fair and comfortable deliberately so that you can stop something that's been repeating. it's work. its not just recognition of pain, it's the purposeful healing and treatment of it. but thats scary, and it's not fun, so a lot of people fall right back into it. its a lot easier said than done.

#txt #scratchpost

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zoekrystall · 8 months

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Hello hello excuse me why the absolute fuck can you not mute words on bluesky I am going to combust that is such a basic thing?? What the fuck?? I might not use it until they implement that bc what is this. I just tried to mute bc I glanced at my timeline and read bg3 and remembered oh. Right. The thing that makes me avoid all streams rn. (good game, specific character brings bad thoughts up, don't ask, twt is already agony since but not anyone's fault the mute function there sucks). Also like me and a lot of other people got more standard bad stuff they don't wanna see and don't want to start muting whole accs we follow??? There is a free extension I need to figure out how to get on mobile (shouldn't be too hard for me) but I shouldn't need to do that for such a basic and no brainer function. Idc if it comes later stuff like that should be there from day 1. Like even if no-one would post abt the most standard triggering topics literally everything can be a potential trigger for someone even the most harmless stuff.

#Fuck it on main instead of private bc why the absolute fuck did I not hear complains abt it prior?? Wh???#All this talk how bluesky is so good and then I find out I can only mute whole accs and not words #Friend if you're seeing this I love and support you and also your focus on exactly that character #I just wish the mute function over there would work like on here #Maybe someone else doesn't know abt it either and learns abt it through my complains. Please please say it's one of their top priorities to #implement bc otherwise what the fuck. Esp w more and more people on there.#That game is day to day dependent + headmate specific but like still?! I am so concerned abt the more heavy stuff that needs to get muted #Not to say that doesn't hit I mean how heavy the thing itself is. Not what it triggers bc there it's def heavy #Pain agony etc fucking hate it. The mutelists are a cool feature but yknow maybe give the option for smth less extreme too??#I'm gen so fucking mad at this #New social media and bam looking at my feed made inaccessible. Amazing. Inaccessible unless I take risks which ain't it #Anyways another day where I purely prepped stuff closed w a post before passing out huh #Busy making a list of people I follow on twt to finally abandon it once paywall hits without losing anyone #Plus a new site thingy w all identity stuff and also new social equals new crd. Didn't even open any mobile games OTL #So much personal work ugh #And then I also got icon n moodboard ideas for later... free me #At least we now have a system name will share it later. Maybe when I wake up.#A wild lux appears

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caelum-in-the-avatarverse · 20 days

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Fandom can do a little gatekeeping. As a treat.

So I finally decided to archive-lock my fics on AO3 last night. I’ve been considering it since the AI scrape last year, but the tipping point was this whole lore.fm debacle, coupled with some thoughts I’ve been thinking regarding Fandom These Days in general and Fandom As A Community in particular. So I wanna explain why I waited so long, why I locked my stuff up now, and why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a-okay with making it harder for people to see my stories.

Lurkers really are great, tho

I’m a chronic lurker, and have been since I started hanging out on the internet as a teen in the 00s. These days it’s just cuz I don’t feel a need to socialize very often, but back then it was because I was shy and knew I was socially awkward. Even if I made an account, I’d spend months lurking on message boards or forums or Livejournals, watching other people interact and getting a feel for that particular community’s culture and etiquette before I finally started interacting myself. And y’know, that approach saved me a lot of embarrassment. Over the course of my lurking on any site, there was always some other person who’d clearly joined up five minutes after learning the place existed, barged in without a care for their behavior, and committed so many social faux pas that all the other users were immediately annoyed with them at best. I learned a lot observing those incidents. Lurk More is Rule 33 of the internet for very good reason.

Lurking isn’t bad or weird or creepy. It’s perfectly normal. I love lurking. It’s hard for me to not lurk - socializing takes a lot of energy out of me, even via text. (Heck it took 12 hours for me to write this post, I wish I was kidding--) Occasionally I’ll manage longer bouts of interaction - a few weeks posting here, almost a year chatting in a discord there - but I’m always gonna end up going radio silent for months at some point. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve long since made peace with the fact that it’s just the way my brain works. I’m a chronic lurker, and in the long term nothing is going to change that.

The thing with being a chronic lurker is that you have to accept that you are not actually seen as part of the community you are lurking in. That’s not to say that lurkers are unimportant - lurkers actually are important, and they make up a large proportion of any online community - but it’s simple cause and effect. You may think of it as “your community”, but if you’ve never said a word, how is the community supposed to know you exist? If I lurked on someone’s LJ, and then that person suddenly friendslocked their blog, I knew that I had two choices: Either accept that I would never be able to read their posts again, or reach out to them and ask if I could be added to their friends list with the full understanding that I was a rando they might not decide to trust. I usually went with the first option, because my invisibility as a lurker was more important to me than talking to strangers on the internet.

Lurking is like sitting on a park bench, quietly people-watching and eavesdropping on the conversations other people are having around you. You’re in the park, but you’re not actively participating in anything happening there. You can see and hear things that you become very interested in! But if you don’t introduce yourself and become part of the conversation, you won’t be able to keep listening to it when those people walk away. When fandom migrated away from Livejournal, people moved to new platforms alongside their friends, but lurkers were often left behind. No one knew they existed, so they weren’t told where everyone else was going. To be seen as part of a fandom community, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc. etc.

There’s nothing wrong with lurking. There can actually be benefits to lurking, both for the lurkers and the communities they lurk in. It’s just another way to be in a fandom. But if that is how you exist in fandom--and remember, I say this as someone who often does exist that way in fandom--you need to remember that you’re on the outside looking in, and the curtains can always close.

I’ve always been super sympathetic to lurkers, because I am one. I know there’s a lot of people like me who just don’t socialize often. I know there’s plenty of reasons why someone might not make an account on the internet - maybe they’re nervous, maybe they’re young and their parents don’t allow them to, maybe they’re in a bad situation where someone is monitoring their activity, maybe they can only access the internet from public computer terminals. Heck, I’ve never even logged into AO3 on my phone--if I’m away from my computer I just read what’s publicly available.

I know I have people lurking on my fics. I know my fics probably mean a lot to someone I don’t even know exists. I know this because there are plenty of fics I love whose writers don’t know I exist.

I love my commenters personally; I love my lurkers as an abstract concept. I know they’re there and I wish them well, and if they ever de-lurk I love them all the more.

So up until last year I never considered archive-locking my fic, because I get it. The AI scraping was upsetting, but I still hesitated because I was thinking of lurkers and guests and remembering what it felt like to be 15 and wondering if it’d be worth letting a stranger on the internet know I existed and asking to be added to their friends list just so I could reread a funny post they made once.

But the internet has changed a lot since the 00s, and fandom has changed with it. I’ve read some things and been doing some thinking about fandom-as-community over the last few years, and reading through the lore.fm drama made me decide that it’s time for me to set some boundaries.

I still love my lurkers, and I feel bad about leaving any guest commenters behind, especially if they’re in a situation where they can’t make an account for some reason. But from here on out, even my lurkers are going to have to do the bare minimum to read my fics--make an AO3 account.

Should we gatekeep fandom?

I’ve seen a few people ask this question, usually rhetorically, sometimes as a joke, always with a bit of seriousness. And I think…yeah, maybe we should. Except wait, no, not like that--

A decade ago, when people talked about fandom gatekeeping and why it was bad to do, it intersected with a lot of other things, mainly feminism and classism. The prevalent image of fandom gatekeeping was, like, a man learning that a woman likes Star Wars and haughtily demanding, “Oh, yeah? Well if you’re REALLY a fan, name ten EU novels” to belittle and dismiss her, expecting that a “real fan” would have the money and time to be familiar with the EU, and ignoring the fact that male movie-only fans were still considered fans. The thing being gatekept was the very definition of “being a fan” and people’s right to describe themselves as one.

That’s not what I mean when I say maybe fandom should gatekeep more. Anyone can call themselves a fan if they like something, that’s fine. But when it comes to the ability to enjoy the fanworks produced by the fandom community…that might be something worth gatekeeping.

See, back in the 00s, it was perfectly common for people to just…not go on the internet. Surfing the web was a thing, but it was just, like, a fun pastime. Not everyone did it. It wasn’t until the rise of social media that going online became a thing everyone and their grandmother did every day. Back then, going on the internet was just…a hobby.

So one of the first gates online fandom ever had was the simple fact that the entire world wasn’t here yet.

The entire world is here now. That gate has been demolished.

And it’s a lot easier to find us now. Even scattered across platforms, fandom is so centralized these days. It isn’t a network of dedicated webshrines and forums that you can only find via webrings anymore, it’s right there on all the big social media sites. AO3 didn’t set out to be the main fanfic website, but that’s definitely what it’s become. It’s easy for people to find us--and that includes people who don’t care about the community, and just want “content.”

Transformative fandom doesn’t like it when people see our fanworks as “content”. “Content” is a pretty broad term, but when fandom uses it we’re usually referring to creative works that are churned out by content creators to be consumed by an audience as quickly as possible as often as possible so that the content creator can generate revenue. This not-so-new normal has caused a massive shift in how people who are new to fandom view fanworks--instead of seeing fic or art as something a fellow fan made and shared with you, they see fanworks as products to be consumed.

Transformative fandom has, in general, always been a gift economy. We put time and effort into creating fanworks that we share with our fellow fans for free. We do this so we don’t get sued, but fandom as a whole actually gets a lot out of the gift economy. Offer your community a story, and in return you can get comments, build friendships, or inspire other people to write things that you might want to read. Readers are given the gift of free stories to read and enjoy, and while lurking is fine, they have the choice to engage with the writer and other readers by leaving comments or making reclists to help build the community.

And look, don’t get me wrong. People have never engaged with fanfic as much as fan writers wish they would. There has always been “no one comments anymore” wank. There have always been people who only comment to say “MORE!” or otherwise demand or guilt trip writers into posting the next chapter. But fandom has always agreed that those commenters are rude and annoying, and as those commenters navigate fandom they have the chance to learn proper community etiquette.

However, now it seems that a lot of the people who are consuming fanworks aren’t actually in the community.

I won’t say “they aren’t real fans” because that’s silly; there’s lots of ways to be a fan. But there seem to be a lot of fans now who have no interest in fandom as a community, or in adhering to community etiquette, or in respecting the gift economy. They consume our fics, but they don’t appreciate fan labor. They want our “content”, but they don’t respect our control over our creations.

And even worse--they see us as a resource. We share our work for free, as a gift, but all they see is an open-source content farm waiting to be tapped into. We shared it for free, so clearly they can do whatever they want with it. Why should we care if they feed our work into AI training datasets, or copy/paste our unfinished stories into ChatGPT to get an ending, or charge people for an unnecessary third-party AO3 app, or sell fanbindings on etsy for a profit without the author’s permission, or turn our stories into poor imitations of podfics to be posted on other platforms without giving us credit or asking our consent, while also using it to lure in people they can datascrape for their Forbes 30 Under 30 company?

And sure, people have been doing shady things with other people’s fanworks since forever. Art theft and reposting has always been a big problem. Fanfic is harder to flat-out repost, but I’ve heard of unauthorized fic translations getting posted without crediting the original author. Once in…I think the 2010s? I read a post by a woman who had gone to some sort of local bookselling event, only to find that the man selling “his” novel had actually self-published her fanfic. (Wish I could find that one again, I don’t even remember where I read it.)

But aside from that third example, the thing is…as awful as fanart/writing theft is, back in the day, the main thing a thief would gain from it was clout. Clout that should rightfully go to the creators who gifted their work in the first place, yeah, but still. Just clout. People will do a lot of hurtful things for clout, but fandom clout means nothing outside of fandom. Fandom clout is not enough to incentivize the sort of wide-scale pillaging we’re seeing from community outsiders today.

Money, on the other hand… Well, fandom’s just a giant, untapped content farm, isn’t it? Think of how much revenue all that content could generate.

Lurkers are a normal and even beneficial part of any online community. Maybe one day they’ll de-lurk and easily slide into place beside their fellow fans because they already know the etiquette. Maybe they’re active in another community, and they can spread information from the community they lurk in to the community they’re active in. At the very least, they silently observe, and even if they’re not active community members, they understand the community.

Fans who see fanworks as “content” don’t belong in the same category as lurkers. They’re tourists.

While reading through the initial Reddit thread on the lore.fm situation, I found this comment:

[ID: Reddit User Cabbitowo says: ... So in anime fandoms we have a word called tourist and essentially it means a fan of a few anime and doesn't care about anime tropes and actively criticizes them. This is kind of how fandoms on tiktok feel. They're touring fanfics and fanart and actively criticizes tropes that have been in the fandom since the 60s. They want to be in a fandom but they don't want to engage in fandom

OP totallymandy responds: Just entered back into Reddit after a long day to see this most recent reply. And as a fellow anime fan this making me laugh so much since it’s true! But it sorta hurts too when the reality sets in. Modern fandom is so entitled and bratty and you’d think it’s the minors only but that’s not even true, my age-mates and older seem to be like that. They want to eat their cake and complain all whilst bringing nothing to the potluck… :/ END ID]

“Tourist” is an apt name for this sort of fan. They don’t want to be part of our community, and they don’t have to be in order to come into our spaces and consume our work. Even if they don’t steal our work themselves, they feel so entitled to it that they’re fine with ignoring our wishes and letting other people take it to make AI “podfics” for them to listen to (there are a lot of comments on lore.fm’s shutdown announcement video from people telling them to just ignore the writers and do it anyway). They’ll use AI to generate an ending to an unfinished fic because they don’t care about seeing “the ending this writer would have given to the story they were telling”, they just want “an ending”. For these tourist fans, the ends justify the means, and their end goal is content for them to consume, with no care for the community that created it for them in the first place.

I don’t think this is confined to a specific age group. This isn’t “13-year-olds on Wattpad” or “Zoomers on TikTok” or whatever pointless generation war we’re in now. This is coming from people who are new to fandom, whose main experience with creative works on the internet is this new content culture and who don’t understand fandom as a community. That description can be true of someone from any age group.

It’s so easy to find fandom these days. It is, in fact, too easy. Newcomers face no hurdles or challenges that would encourage them to lurk and observe a bit before engaging, and it’s easy for people who would otherwise move on and leave us alone to start making trouble. From tourist fans to content entrepreneurs to random people who just want to gawk, it’s so easy for people who don’t care about the fandom community to reap all of its fruits.

So when I say maybe fandom should start gatekeeping a bit, I’m referring to the fact that we barely even have a gate anymore. Everyone is on the internet now; the entire world can find us, and they don’t need to bother learning community etiquette when they do. Before, we were protected by the fact that fandom was considered weird and most people didn’t look at it twice. Now, fandom is pretty mainstream. People who never would’ve bothered with it before are now comfortable strolling in like they own the place. They have no regard for the fandom community, they don’t understand it, and they don’t want to. They want to treat it just like the rest of the content they consume online.

And then they’re surprised when those of us who understand fandom culture get upset. Fanworks have existed far longer than the algorithmic internet’s content. Fanworks existed long before the internet. We’ve lived like this for ages and we like it.

So if someone can’t be bothered to respect fandom as a community, I don’t see why I should give them easy access to my fics.

Think of it like a garden gate

When I interact with commenters on my fic, I have this sense of hospitality.

The comment section is my front porch. The fic is my garden. I created my garden because I really wanted to, and I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to share it with other people.

Lots of people enjoy looking at my garden. Many walk through without saying anything. Some stop to leave kudos. Some recommend my garden to their friends. And some people take the time to stop by my front porch and let me know what a beautiful garden it is and how much they’ve enjoyed it.

Any fic writer can tell you that getting comments is an incredible feeling. I always try to answer all my comments. I don’t always manage it, but my fics’ comment sections are the one place that I manage to consistently socialize in fandom. When I respond to a comment, it feels like I’m pouring out a glass of lemonade to share with this lovely commenter on my front porch, a thank you for their thank you. We take a moment to admire my garden together, and then I see them out. The next time they drop by, I recognize them and am happy to pour another glass of lemonade.

My garden has always been open and easy to access. No fences, no walls. You just have to know where to find it. Fandom in general was once protected by its own obscurity, an out-of-the-way town that showed up on maps but was usually ignored.

But now there’s a highway that makes it easy to get to, and we have all these out-of-towner tourists coming in to gawk and steal our lawn ornaments and wonder if they can use the place to make themselves some money.

I don’t care to have those types trampling over my garden and eating all my vegetables and digging up my flowers to repot and sell, so I’ve put up a wall. It has a gate that visitors can get through if they just take the time to open it.

Admittedly, it’s a small obstacle. But when I share my fics, I share them as a gift with my fellow fans, the ones who understand that fandom is a community, even if they’re lurkers. As for tourist fans and entrepreneurs who see fic as content, who have no qualms ignoring the writer’s wishes, who refuse to respect or understand the fandom community…well, they’re not the people I mean to share my fic with, so I have no issues locking them out. If they want access to my stories, they’ll have to do the bare minimum to become a community member and join the AO3 invite queue.

And y’know, I’ve said a lot about fandom and community here, and I just want to say, I hope it’s not intimidating. When I was younger, talk about The Fandom Community made me feel insecure, and I didn’t think I’d ever manage to be active enough in fandom spaces to be counted as A Member Of The Community. But you don’t have to be a social butterfly to participate in fandom. I’ll always and forever be a chronic lurker, I reblog more than I post, I rarely manage to comment on fic, and I go radio silent for months at a time--but I write and post fanfiction. That’s my contribution.

Do you write, draw, vid, gif, or otherwise create? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you leave comments? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you curate reclists? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you maintain a fandom blog or fuckyeah blog? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you provide a space for other fans to convene in? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you regularly send asks (off anon so people know who you are)? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you have fandom friends who you interact with? Congrats, you're a community member.

There’s lots of ways to be a fan. Just make sure to respect and appreciate your fellow fans and the work they put in for you to enjoy and the gift economy fandom culture that keeps this community going.

#ao3 #lore.fm #fanfiction #fandom history #gift economy #caelum rambles

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