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clovermarigold · 5 months

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Hi, it's me again (^_^)/

Your HC was so cute *-*

Can I ask for another one? Maybe how the characters react when they get anxious? Do they hide and try to get over it alone or are they searching for help? (Do you write for Beckman too? I rewatch opla and I really start to like him)

Absolutely, I love it when yall request fics. Sorry it took so long to reply, pretty backed up with work rn.

One Piece Character Dealing with Anxiety

Luffy

Luffy is a very carefree person and doesn't get anxious easily. In the few cases he has been anxious it has always been over losing someone he loves. I head cannon that Luffy has slight abandonment issues but has learned to handle them pretty well.

On the off chance that he does have an anxiety triggered episode, Luffy is what would be considered both a fighter. He lashes out to do whatever he can to fix what's causing him anxiety. But his senses become very narrowed and blurred when he's in this state.

The most common examples are shortness of breath, blurry vision, and tunnel vision, shaky hands/ tremors, and loss of hearing. Spoilers; As seen in Ace's death scene.

Sanji

Sanji has a gaggle of mental issues and experiences that spur on anxiety. Some of the main contributors to his anxiety are PTSD, childhood neglect and abuse, OCD, nicotine addiction (don't smoke kids), and an inferiority complex/need to prove his self-worth.

When Sanji's anxiety is triggered, he reacts in a way that would consider him a freezer. Sanji was raised with little actual parenting, and the small bit he did get was tough love from Zeff. As a result, he tends to play the tough guy act.

Most common examples being disassociation, tunnel vision, shortness of breath, and loss of motor functions. Spoilers; as seen in Pudding's deception (I know that was more betrayal, but I see it as attacking his self-worth issues, so to me it counts)

Nami

Nami is very much the stoic type that tries to ignore or deny that she has anxiety and mental issues, spoiler.... she does. I mentioned in my last post that she is the one most struggling and learning to deal with her anxiety (pt.1). The main perpetrator for Nami's anxiety is Arlong and herself. Nami suffers from guilt and self-worth issues (A trend huh)

Nami is without a doubt the very definition of a fighter. While now with the help of her friends she's learning to react in a healthier way, for years under Arlong her default reaction to anxiety has been to lash out and get angry.

The common examples are aggression, unstable heart palpitations (Fast heartbeats), shortness of breath, tremors, blurry vision, and confusion.

Zoro

Zoro is a man who uses humor to distract from his anxiety and problems. While he is a mostly serious guy, in the anime he has a tom of golden moments that make my ribs hurt. His problems all of course stem from the loss of his friend and rival as well as their pact.

So, it's no surprise that Self-worth issues are again at fault for a crew members anxiety. I think that in the rare case that his anxiety does take hold, Zoro would freeze. But not to the point that he becomes a statue. Instead, I think that the reason we don't see a lot of his anxiety is because he pushes past his instincts to freeze and keep fighting.

Main expressions of anxiety I think he has, are loss of motor control, tunnel vision, and tensed muscles.

Usopp

Usopp tends to be made as a thoughtless coward with skin level character depth, but that ignores all of his character growth. Usopp is among the characters with less backstory in the trauma department. But I that doesn't mean he doesn't have any. Abandonment issues, paranoia being the most present. Formed from being without his dad and constantly afraid that his only friend would die at any moment.

Usopp is a runner, there's no doubt about it. When anxiety or panic attacks kick in, he kicks out. He's also what I would consider a hider, running as far from the situation and hiding until he can get his emotions under control.

Common symptoms include, shortness of breath, unstable heart palpitations, tunnel vision, restlessness, paranoia, sensory issues, namely noise and light.

Shanks

Ok, this one broke my heart to write. We don't have a lot to work with connon wise, so most of this are head cannons.

Shanks was extremely carefree and kept a positive mindset despite his upbringing and the death of his mentor. He was sad and it took a while to get over of course, but he did, and he didn't come out with anxiety issues. It wasn't until he lost his arm that his anxiety started to surface. The most common cases of his anxiety are night terrors and the occasional panic attack when in a situation he used to do easily when he had both arms. The main culprits of his anxiety are self-worth issues and phantom limb syndrome.

In my opinion, I believe that Shanks is a fighter. But not in the sense that he will lash out when he's anxious. Shanks is a fighter in the sense that he will force himself awake and out of his night terrors.

The main expressions of anxiety for Shanks are nightmares/terrors, shallow breathing, disassociation, and depression.

Mihawk

Mihawk is a character I have a hard time connecting with anxiety. Not because it's impossible for someone stoic to have anxiety. But because I just can't see him not having addressed it by his age. Shanks is believable because he prides himself on being upbeat, fun, merciful, and forgiving. Mihawk's childhood goal was to be the best, so I feel he would have realized a long time ago that he couldn't be the best without having addressed his problems and learning to handle or get over them.

In his youth however, I think he was a fighter similar to Nami. Getting upset with himself for being anxious and at the world for making him anxious.

Mihawk likely spent a lot of time working to address his main issues which I believe to be a god complex, narcissism, self-worth issues, and patients. he's still struggling with that last one.

Buggy

Buggy is all the issues compiled into a singular red nosed train wreck. I would need a week to list all the mental issues he still hasn't learned to cope with healthily. And NO, for all my Buggy stands reading this, you CANNOT fix him.

Buggy in my opinion is a fighter but is far worse than Nami or Mihawk. Buggy's anxiety tends to spiral to the point it becomes panic. For those who don't know, the difference between panic and anxiety attacks is that anxiety haunts the back of your mind and builds, panic will hit you fast and out of nowhere.

Buggy has probably the worst anxiety and symptoms due to being surrounded by a crew with a less than healthy mindset and power dynamic. Symptoms include, aggression, psychosis, delusions, labored breathing, unstable heart palpitations, and restlessness/tremors.

#one piece usopp #one piece nami #one piece #luffy #monkey d. luffy #red haired shanks #shanks #vinsmoke sanji #sanji #nami #roronoa zoro #zoro #usopp #hawkeye mihawk #dracule mihawk #buggy the clown #buggy one piece

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fairyqueentitana · 1 year

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Twilight has issues

Like every other girl, I watched the movies and read the books and now I shall rant.

Isabella Marie Swan is a romantic idiot - Now I get that vampires are supposed to suck in their prey and in a way tend to hypnotise humans so much so that common sense is not that common but seriously who follows a vampire into the woods ALONE. Even with a friend, she would not have a chance but who does that. She finds out that she is a blood singer and thinks oh we can have a wonderful relationship. Sis your blood is his drug of choice you are his literal special walking and talking blood bag. Who chooses the walking undead over their family and loved ones. Mind you ladies and gentlemen I say nothing about money cause we all need money these days can't blame nobody for looking for stability. However, Bella was not looking for stability she was looking for the sparkly disco stick connected to her equals sparkly disco ball of her boyfriend.

Renesme is totally going to hate her mum - So for those that don't know Ragamuffin is the biological demon spawn of Edward and Bella half vampire/half human. She was imprinted on by Jacob Black now what is so off-putting by this is that Jacob was infatuated with Bella throughout the whole series until of course, he made eye contact with Renesme. I should point out he really wanted her dead until the dreaded eye contact happened and the imprint bond formed. Now Reenesme is a bit self-conscious about the fact she does not sparkle and Bella tells her "You're the prettiest" Edward being the dad of the year straight up says "I have to disagree" (those two should not be parents) The kid is obviously going to grow with an inferiority complex towards her mum how will she feel when she finds out not even Her Jacob wanted her initially and that he was in love with her mother.

Imprints - I noted this before with Renesme however I wanted to address something people love to ignore. The bond could be that of a friend, protector,brother/sister or lover so why in the world is everyone letting Sam and Emily off. Yes, Emily is his imprint but he was ENGAGED to Leah her COUSIN and chose to pursue her romantically and no one but Leah is mad at him. Emily tells him no a bunch of times eventually her harsh words cause Sam to lose control and stuff but after that, she starts dating him, They could not have chosen to have a platonic or family relationship no lets eventually date and throw that in Leah's face both of them are in the wrong. Next, if they imprint on a child then that should be an automatic big brother/sister relationship nothing more nothing less.

The Cullens cover story is just awful it is ridiculous seriously Edward, Alice and Emmett could have played their kids and Rosalie and Jasper their significant others who live with them due to family issues or being listed as guardians when their parents died in a horrible crash three years ago. They just had to use the most outrageous cover story out there and it shows.

Bella did one thing right - Bella ensured herself a comfortable future I mean the Cullens are loaded she will never be wanting for anything ever, unfortunately, she will have to continuously attend school for the rest of her immortal life.

BLOODLUST IS AN EMOTION AND SO IS HUNGER - Y'all Jasper is an empath and he lives with a group of vampires to be clear he lives with Edward who is struggling not to drain his blood singer on a daily basis. The Cullens owe him a huge apology that was not his fault.

Esme is the only one with a fully developed brain- Esme is the oldest out of all the Cullens she was turned when she was 26 years old one year after the brain is said to fully develop. No wonder she seems to be the sanest person in that family.

Stuck in time - WHile they have lived for a very long time and adapted the Cullens still maintain many of their learned habits from their times and as they are frozen at that age I would have to assume that they maintain certain thoughts and opinions of their time. I'm slowly hinting at the fact that Jasper was a Confederate solider so he may be quite racist..........

#twilight #bella swan #esme cullen #alice cullen #jasper hale #olympic coven #jacob black #leah clearwater #emily young #sam uley #imprinting #twilight rant

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trinrose3 · 2 years

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Lorenzo! Tw for self image issues and implied death

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

*Insert That’s my dad boogie woogie audio here* he loves him! He doesn’t think he deserves the love that he’s got :(. Theo’s very patient with Lorenzo and doesn’t like pushing him and it’s taught Lorenzo that patience and kindness can go a long way for someone.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have?

Once again REAL complicated! He’s never met her as she died shortly after he was born from an infection she got at the hospital. He thinks a lot especially as a teen that it would have been better if he was never born in the first place and that it’s his fault she’s dead (it’s not, but hey self loathing ftw! /s). Eventually he realizes that it’s not his fault and he’s thankful for her.

3. Brothers, sisters? Who do they like? Why? What do they despise about their siblings?

Not technically related but Owen and Liam! He loves both but he gets along better with Owen and has a bit of a personality clash with Liam. He’s got a big inferiority complex so when he’s a young teen he finds himself resenting his brothers for their accomplishments and it forms a bit of a sore spot in their relationship to say the least.

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

Lenient, even when compared to his brothers (which they’re not too happy about). They know he’s got issues so they try to help him through it rather then punish him for it and make it worse. That’s not to say he doesn’t get in trouble cause he does. A lot 💀

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

Not really

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

Affection but he doesn’t think he deserves it :(

7. What was the economic status of their family?

Well off

8. How does your character feel about religion?

Meh you do you lmao as long as you don’t use it as an excuse to be a dick he’s chill with it

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?

He’s very emotionally intelligent and good at reading others, he knows EXACTLY how to push you’re buttons and the type of reaction he’s gonna get out of you. If he wants to get in a fight he’s sure as hell gonna make sure you throw the first punch. Very sharp.

11. How do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated?

He thinks he’s stupid :(

12. How does their education and intelligence – or lack thereof - reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations?

Idk.

13. Did they like school? Teachers? Schoolmates?

LMAO no. He barely made it to senior year he wanted to drop out so badly

14. Were they involved at school? Sports? Clubs? Debate? Were they unconnected?

I doubt it but maybe reluctantly? I think he’s a very good writer and singer so I can see him being forced into doing so,etching with either of those, or joining something to spend time with his brothers/Amelia

15. Did they graduate? High-School? College? Do they have a PHD? A GED?

High school

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?

SAH(D/H) he’s very family oriented and it’s not too much pressure so he loves it. I think if he HAD to go into a profession he’d be a English teacher

17. Did they travel? Where? Why? When?

He goes with Amelia when he can and if he’s allowed to :)

18. What did they find abroad, and what did they remember?

Amelia <3 lol he loves the scenery abroad, perfectly content with sitting in a desert looking at nothing but sand cause hahaha that’s cool oh hey a bug

19. What were your character’s deepest disillusions? In life? What are they now?

He’s mentally ill/hj he hates himself but it gets better the older he gets

21. What are your character’s manners like? What is their type of hero? Whom do they hate?

If he thinks something is stupid he won’t do it even if it’s seen to be rude but that’s for shit like “no arms on the table” otherwise he’s pretty well mannered; a charmer if you will lol. Idk. Showboats, we wants to kick the, down a peg…or ten, humble yourselves before he humbled you JFJRGRJVJEF

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or ‘ideal’ partner?

The gang! He was a bit of a party monster as a teen so I can see him having some “shallow” “friends” during that time. He’s always loved Amelia and most other romantic/sexual relationships were kind of a coping mechanism ngl. If you can bench press him he’s gonna swoon, very into looks when looking for something casual, but if you’re an asshole he won’t bother with you.

23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?

Like I said above he kinda uses it as a coping tool before he gets with Amelia. He kind of uses it as a sense of accomplishment and self worth, if his partner feels good he feels good. He’s a bit reckless with other peoples feeling sometimes which can lead to him being a bit selfish or seeming like he’s uncaring towards his partners when they’re not currently in the moment; he’s a bit of a Casanova/heartbreaker 😂. Whore lmao

24. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

Like I said he was a bit of a party animal lol. He likes being the center of attention during those. He always attends events that his brothers or Amelia are in so if Owen is in a play you’ll be sure to see him (and the rest of fam) somewhere in the crowed or hell even backstage

25. What are their hobbies and interests?

His garden/plants! He also volunteers at local shelter and even fosters some of the pets from there if he can! Big fan of cozy games like staffed valley and sims

#oc: lorenzo #story: the neighbors

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bookishplays-blog · 7 years

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gay culture is having toxic friends u physically cant cut out of your life for at least a year

#i have food poisoning and this hoes first response is #will u be well enough for sunday #because shes organising a thing on sunday and she has a bit of a power complex #cos she never gets invited to our stuff bc she does county hockey every day #like exchse me ella!! it is not my fault u have prior commitments every fucking time #i am not reorganising my life for u bc u dont have the guts to tell ur dad ur missing out on stuff #anyway she genuinely. only cares abt her reputation and herself #like she wouldnt invite our mutual close friend to smthg #bc she found out that george wasnt inviting her to his bday #and instead of uninviting george who organises everything anyway #she doesnt invite jumaynah??#uh jumaynah has done 0 to u ella and its not her fault u have an inferiority complex and that we’re all stealing george from u ://#she wants to be closer with me but also makes me feel like shit and only cares abt herself and tries to make me hate my best friend #not slick ella #anyway i cant cut her out even tho she is VERY toxic bc the way my school works #im in her form and her maths #and shes so moody when i even annoy her the tiniest bit so #i just hope shes not in my class nxt yr and the friendship dies on its own #this sounds bitchy and awful without context but #she has a power thing and is acc so rude

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florencwrites · 3 years

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bleeding grounds 〚technoblade〛

in which undefined love does not always persevere over the perils of war

based on this tiktok

(!) violence, war, mentions of trauma, death, blood (!)

He had always been praised for his nimble feet, his astonishing agile movements. The way he could prance around a field with a dozen armed men and have none of them so much as unsheathe their sword. He was savvy and skilled, one of the most talented knights of the realm, and he knew it so damn well.

She, on the contrary, was blunt and stubborn. She knew how to stand her ground, and God, she would not fucking move. She had always let her foes prance their way to her, allowing them to perceive her as a damsel, as a woman too afraid to move her feet. Nothing was less true, she was bold and fiercely untrained, but for some reason, she always managed to create a pile of seeping corpses to mark off her perimeter.

He had trouble understanding her tactics, he believed them to be foolish and terribly perilous. Not only to her and her enemies, but to himself as well. She was stuck, nailed down, to one singular spot. Naturally, so were his eyes. As he swung around his sword, pushing arrows through hearts left and right, his eyes were never on his own target.

Constantly his mind would be preoccupied with her and her moronic antics, he would dance around her boundaries, trying his very best to keep any rival as far from the edge of her bounds as he could.

She did not see it that way. She saw an arrogant man in heavy armor slaying her corpses right in front of her face, she saw another one of those stupid smug knights believing her not to be worthy of her own battles. And God, she despised him for it. Pushing her to the sidelines of her own wars, pushing his own inferiority complex onto her.

So, naturally, she gave in eventually. She gave in and stepped into the line of fire, ducking under sweeping blades and leaping over soaring arrows; ones that would have never reached her would she have stayed put.

His eyebrows furrowed deeper at every shot that got a little too close to her for his liking, abandoning his own opponent, to instead focus solely on hers. Without a second thought, he curved underneath another overdrawn saber, immediately lifting himself back to his feet, his back pressed to hers as a crowd formed around them. A threatening circle of sharpened blades enclosing on them as they desperately tried fighting them off, one by one.

"I told you to stay put." He hissed through gritted teeth, his sword loudly clanking against his towering opponent.

"You're not my dad, Techno, duck." She ordered in response, immediately pulling his body down with hers as another arrow raced past their heads. He murmured a soft 'thank you' before grunting loudly as someone swung their axe into his side, thankfully protected by his excessively heavy chest plate. "You okay?"

"Yeah, fine," A heavy pant, "You?"

"Fantastic." Another broad sweep as she slung her sword into some guy's neck, immediately taking the opportunity to exit their deathly little arena, roaming further into the emptying battlefield. She let her eyes wander the lands, seeing several of her friends still fighting off either undead or almost-dead.

He kept in her vicinity, fighting outrageously hastily, trying to free himself from his foes. He followed her traces, killing off as many men as he could while keeping her close. "Stop trying to get yourself killed." Annoyance laced his voice as she pulled into a jog towards her King, George, who was fighting a mere zombified child. He let his head fall over his shoulder to follow her disappearing figure, groaning in utmost agitation as another soldier tried his luck with him.

"Stop trying to protect me." She yelled loudly, however, not in a joking matter, unfortunately. He knew she hated his absolute guts, she always trailed around his compagnons instead. She wanted nothing to do with him, while he wanted everything to do with her. Obviously, he was too arrogant to ever admit this to her, so he stayed quiet. Silently sweating daily to just keep her safe. Techno was not a man destined for love, he was not meant to care for another person as deeply as for himself. However, anytime his eyes laid upon hers, a meek voice in the back of his head would assure him,

"If you can fight your own enemies this easy, sure you could do hers as well."

Slowly but surely, as the sun started setting, the clanking of swords become more and more.. intermittent. Gradually, the silence of the night started taking over as enemy blood seeped into the ground. However, as his kill numbers started to quiet down, the voices in the back of his mind started growing louder. Louder. Louder. Telling him to keep going, to leave no man alive.

But she was no man, she was the one being in this entire realm not even the ghosts in his mind would dare to speak ill of. The one creature even his insanity wouldn't as much as attempt to threaten. His heavy boots carried him to the rest of their meek group, their feeble effort of their twenty-something-men-army. "You're bleeding."

"Not my blood," She spat back at him, utter venom laced through her spaces. "Mind your business."

However, before he could retaliate, Dream spoke up, "If you want to see her tits, you can just ask, Techno."

"And I'd say no," She giggled at her brother's insinuation, and he, in all honesty, had to count to ten in order not to let the voices win. Murder him. Slit his throat.

"Let's go home." George piped up, scrubbing a filthy rag over the blade of his sword. He sheathed his sword with an ear-piercing ring, "They have prepared rooms at the castle, we pull out again at dawn."

The voices echoed again, entirely preparing him for new sacrifices as soon as the first light hit the grounds. Murder everyone. Keep her safe.

The emptied hallways of the castle sounded even more deserted with the echoes of his padded feet pacing through them every few minutes. He roamed the corridors in a fruitless attempt to quiet the voices, to quiet his worrying mind. She had slipped from his eye the second the group had set foot on safe lands, as soon as she carried her slightly limping body through the threshold of the enormous empire. And though he had never been a fan of the kingdom as a whole, it was an ease to his mind, knowing she was safely guarded by hundreds of men and towering walls.

He passed her room for the umpteenth time of the evening, his steps subconsciously slowing as his ears perked at the sound of a whimper. A tiny, soft one, but his animalistic ears had picked it up nonetheless. It was almost muffled like she was trying her utter best not to let out a singular peep.

Her door was cracked open, not more than an inch, but he could not help himself but peek inside. His eyes roamed over the left side of her room, a fauteuil and a dresser, a desk and a mirror and her. She stood in front of the tall mirror, staring at her reflection in complete focus. She was shedding her shirt ever so slowly, which immediately prompted him to avert his gaze and pull back from the door.

However, another hiss sounded. Not necessarily a hiss, more of a sharp breath, loud. His hand slowly found the door handle, slowly pushing the door open a little further, just enough so that she could see his figure standing in the doorway.

Her shirt was pulled up until right below her bra, her delicate fingers tracing a gaping wound on her side; entirely smudged with blood that had, in fact, been hers. Instantly, his mind started playing tricks on him again, whispering malicious words into his ears. You should've known. She's going to die. The door creaked faintly as he pushed himself to stand a little deeper into the room, her eyes on his as she lowered her shirt. "What happened?"

"It's nothing, Techno, go to bed." She barked back immediately, desperately trying to cover the pain that was roaming her tone. He let his hand fall from the handle as she turned to face him entirely, still from the other side of the room. She stood still, awaiting his response, "What did they do to you?"

"It's my own fault." She admitted, embarrassment clear in the way she stood silently, fumbling her fingers. She couldn't help but let out a mocking chuckle, though, "You can tell me 'I told you so'."

"There's no use in telling you that now," He let his lips curl up for but a split second, before remembering the gaping gash in her skin.

She nodded, a blush creeping up her cheeks as he made her way towards her. "Can I?"

"Go ahead," His fingers held the hem of her shirt, gently pulling it up her side to reveal the wound. It was large, but not too deep. He crouched down to his knees, his eyes burning a path on her bruised skin. He let his finger carefully trace the side of the gash, trying to assess whether or not stitches would be necessary. Her skin rose at the contact, slight goosebumps emerging from his feeble touch. She blushed even harder as a shiver ran up her spine, completely oblivious that his body was doing the exact same thing.

She looked down at him through the mirror, her reflection staring down at his face. She let her eyes trace his features, his soft pink skin and white scars, his sharpened teeth, and the blood-stained hair that laid ruffled on his head. It had grown significantly longer in the several days they had spent on the field, the days she had grown to slowly but surely appreciate his, secretly, caring nature. Obviously, though, she did not realize his caring nature only extended to her, that his watchful gaze really only ever allowed itself to cherish her form. "I don't think you should come with us tomorrow."

"Unfortunately, that's not up to you," A soft sigh escaped her lips, her fingers trembling in the slightest where they held up her shirt. He returned a skeptical breath, shooting his eyes to meet hers in their reflection as he spoke, "I'm serious."

She pulled her shirt down over her hips with an annoyed huff, slightly louder as she attempted to hide the underlying hiss. He noticed, of course, she knew he did. He pulled his hands from her body, instantly missing the feeling of her warm skin under his. "Who is it up to then?"

"Anyone but you, really." He rose to his feet, shaking his head in the faintest as his gaze met his feet. Softly clearing his throat, while she added, "Don't tell Dream."

"I will tell Dream." He assured her, to her irritation, "You're hurt."

They stood side-to-side, the front of his arm brushing against her shoulder, as they stared at their reflection. They shared a breath before she broke the silence, "Fine, tell him, I don't care."

"Now, please leave." A spiritless order at best, but an order nonetheless.

"George, if she dies tomorrow, her blood will be on your hands." Disbelief covered his entire face, his tone as monotone and harsh as ever, trying so very hard to mask any remaining emotions he had over her.

"She won't, she said she's fine, right?" He replied with annoyance hinting in his tone, "If she wants to fight, she can fight."

He averted his gaze to meet Dream's, surely he would agree with him. Was he not his sister's keeper?

"She's tougher than she lets on, Techno." The blonde spoke mumbling, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the dimmed fireplace. George was sat on the side of his bed, his elbows leaning on his knees. He met his eyes, a slow nod as if to say 'told you so'.

"You cannot be serious?" His voice roughened as the concern started inevitably seeping through. "Dream, she will die tomorrow."

The masked man shoved himself from the rough stones of the hearth, immediately stalking towards him. Alarmingly close to his face, chests almost touching, his voice dangerously low, "Then that will be on her."

George also rose to his feet minutely, watching the situation in front of him devolve in a threatening pace, "If she wants to fight, she will fight."

And so she did, fight. His words ringing through her head with every step she took out of her normally safe line. She hovered around her own body, careful not to disturb her surroundings. She hissed at any movement she made, anytime she was forced to lift her sword from beside her, an acute flash of searing-white pain overtook her every sense.

And so, she did die.

Ultimately, she would pass out from her seeping wound, fall right into enemy hands. She would fall over and pierce herself on their unsheathed sword. She never had a chance.

She fell to the ground, not with an agonizing shout, but more so a ceasing sigh. She fell to her own ground, the trampled floor of where she had fought the entirety of the, nearly defeated, battle. The blood-soaked dirt she had not allowed herself to leave, constantly replaying his words in her mind, 'Stay put', 'I told you to stay put', 'stay put'.

Agonizing screams did come from the zone of combat, nonetheless, even if they had not been hers. Shouts of terror and anguish as her body fell limp to the earth.

The blood that soaked the fields that day were paid with a price, paid with a price no man had ever paid before.

He had never been the same, not since that day. No longer was the image of her an image that would shield him from his own psychotic phantoms, no longer would he yield from the idea of death.

The blood that soaked the earth that day was no atonement of any sorts, the blood that soaked the earth that day had been in utter and complete vain. It had not been just hers that seeped through the roots of evil underneath the soil, it would end with her brother's as well, but not her brother's alone.

The King would die and the empire, and any that would follow it, would inevitably fall to his hands.

Blood for the blood god.

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blu-eh · 3 years

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ok its 12:30 am but i watched raya and the last dragon for the second time today and there are still some parts that like. i just Dont Understand so my Thoughts (tm) about the movie under the cut. spoilers, obviously

- firstly: sword lesbians. thats all

- disney is too much of a coward to make them actual lesbians so they went the queer baiting route instead. i see you disney. we all see you.

- honestly, watching the movie, the dragon designs did not bother me as much as i thought they would. like, i very much think they could have been better but at the same time...they were not horrible. so that was cool. i rlly liked the scene where sisu was swimming. compared to moana though, some of the water animation was weird like characters should’ve appeared wet when they werent but...water is hard to animate so

-animation was on point oh my god. it was a really visually beautiful movie. i thought the dragon designs clashed with the human design but it wasnt like, the worst.

-it was a COOL world. i wouldve loved to learn more about it

-captain boun was my favorite character and i adore him. i would adopt him

-found family. nice

-the asian culture was SO cool. loved that. i love the things they incorporated

-that scene with raya, boun, and sisu on the boat where they put the flowers in the water was SO good. i loved that

-also loved the scene where sisu reveals her dragon form, like, can we say...... iconic

-but there were plot holes/things i did not understand oh my god and i cant tell if this is a cultural thing or if the movie didnt explain it well or if i just missed things but:

-like what IS the plague (i forgot the name)???? WHY does it feed on humans?? where did it come from?? “born from human discord” is cool and all but that explains. nothing. is it feeding on them?? is it even alive?? like what is the purpose? the end goal? why is it there? why does it hate water??????? if its bred by human discord, then WHY did it not show up during the literal 500 years of Actual War that happened. did the gem keep it away??? if so, why did it return???? they have been fighting a Lot Longer than that single night

-literally why did the dragons not come back the first time. i dont understand. what made it any different the second time with weaker magic??

-does this magic ball have a two time limit like...why did the magic fade. because it was cracked??? why would it start fading at that exact moment and not like, over the six years that it was cracked before. why did it still work when simple put back together like a puzzle. how did it crack so perfectly??

-i have a feeling a lot of the answers to my questions will be “magic” and idk how to feel about that

-GOING BACK TO THE WATER THING.....does sisu have powers??? the movie obviously implied she was a water dragon but we saw maybe ONE scene where she used these powers and it was literally never explained. you couldve had a cool story arc about sisu coming into her powers or having an inferiority complex because her siblings have powers but she doesn’t (which could tie in to why it was such a big deal that they trusted her) but like....we dont see that at all and im still confused on that aspect

- nine main characters (raya, boun, tong, noi, the three monkeys, sisu, and namaari) is a LOT to balance. i had to google everyones name just now besides boun & raya because i literally could not keep up with a cast that big. like, they were fine main characters but a couple of them just felt...flat (ie tong & noi & the monkey things. im not even sure why the monkeys were there). its a struggle too because a couple of them didnt even show up until more than half way through the movie so.

- the movie was very heavy handed on the theme of “trust” which like, yes, good theme but honestly if someone backstabbed me not once but TWICE.....i would not trust them. ALMOST THREE TIMES. plus, like trust almost got sisu killed in talon so.....idk what the purpose of that scene was??? it seemed very much the opposite of the theme.....but also there is such a huge differences between trusting your brothers and sisters (in sisu’s case) vs. trusting someone who (see: previous trust) had resulted in the “death” of your dad AND friend...like that is fundamentally different. i think the theme couldve explored “learning to trust AFTER FORGIVENESS” like there was a very weak redemption arc. idk

-what even was the fang’s leader’s plan??? “we wont give raya a choice but we will get sisu” like firstly, sisu is a dragon. she is not going anywhere unless she wants two. secondly: why?????????? and third: they literally never explain what this plan was. there is no way this woman knew that raya was just going to show up and offer her daughter a chance at redemption (which she fails. miserably. i literally dont think its raya’s fault at all for her reaction with the crossbow like......see: betrayal history and literally hunting raya down for a couple months (years?)

- WHY DID THE STONE PEOPLE FREEZE IN THAT SPECIFIC POSITION. we have LITERALLY everyone turn to stone in the same position with the cupped hands yet tong and noi and boun and namaari all just...didnt freeze in that position. i dont understand why some people were turned to stone in a specific position and some werent

-why did the water disappear after sisu “died”??? like did she truly die and the water just left because she died?? that would mean that dragons have the power to revive other dragons, but at the same time, don’t they only have a single magical power??? how does this work

-going back on the single magical power thing: HOW could all the dragons do the little flying thing??? i was under the impression that sisu could only do that AFTER she got the power from her rain brother but those other dragons were able to do it just fine. is this just a dragon thing??? can they all do this?? does this count as a single power??

-there was one point in the movie where all the dragons jumping down the cliff looked like worms on strings and i had to pause the movie because i was laughing so hard

- this wouldve been a really cool series instead of a two hour movie but i feel like they tried to fit too much into a short time frame

-i did not care for the soundtrack imo :( it was pretty disappointing

-OVERALL i think its a FINE movie like its good and you should see it and support movies with asian casts and culture because the cultural aspect was REALLY COOL. i am just extra critical because its a disney movie but like.......i feel like disney had the funding and the team to make this movie great but didnt want to take the risk in case they lost money on it so there are a lot of things that just felt....incomplete

#this got rlly long and im sure there are some other things but also ehhhhhhhh #disney couldve done better #and i feel like they crippled the story writers/animators on purpose because it is a movie abt asian culture #and it had the potential to flop #also............yet again disney is a coward re: lgbt+ content so #raya and the last dragon #spoilers #raya and the last dragon spoilers #i feel like i am overthinking a childrens movie but also. come on #a single ling couldve solved a lot of the confusion on this i think

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veliseraptor · 4 years

Note

Hey Lise, I was wondering if you could maybe just give me a quick and dirty synopsis of The Untamed characters? I really like your fics and wanna read them, but I have NO idea who anyone is hahaha

I was gonna like. Link to someone else’s rundown of this, but then I decided it might be fun to write my own, which was a mistake. But I make all kinds of mistakes! So unsurprising.

This is going to, by virtue of being a character overview, contain spoilers, so if you think you’re gonna want to watch and want to avoid spoilers then watch out for that. This is also broken down by sect because that makes it easier.

The degree to which I explain the plot here varies wildly and I’m not actually sure how coherent it is. If you want a more detailed rundown that has pictures and shit and also other information, see here; also some of these characters have more than one name, which I’ve noted where the usage of multiple names is likely to pop up in fic.

This is very much QUICK and DIRTY and NOT COMPREHENSIVE, just to underline that a few times. It’s also show focused rather than novel focused, because that’s most of the canon I’m working with. I have also not translated titles here (Hanguang-jun, Zewu-jun etc.) because they just sound better untranslated.

THE JIANG SECT

Wei Wuxian: Also known as Wei Ying or (if you’re nasty) the Yiling Patriarch. One of the two main characters of the show. He died (killed himself) in disgrace, universally reviled as evil, but it’s okay, he got better. Or rather, his soul got swapped into the body of a man named Mo Xuanyu, whose life really sucked and who almost never gets acknowledged by the narrative. Sunshine boy on the outside, but it’s complicated.

Sort of invented necromancy, or at least perfected it. Will kill you with his magic ghost flute, but mostly only if you deserve it. Mostly. Self-sacrificing to a fault due to basement level self-worth and a tendency to believe that he can handle things other people can’t. Swapped out his ability to do magic to keep his brother alive via nonconsensual surgery. This had a lot of somewhat unexpected consequences, it turns out. Got thrown into a very bad place called the Burial Mounds and came out with new powers and a whole new pile of trauma.

Rescues the Wen remnants from being killed in a prison camp after the war against the Wen Sect; this is not a popular move. Founds a commune with them in the aforementioned Burial Grounds. Also raises Wen Ning from the not-dead.

Adopted older brother (ish) to Jiang Cheng and younger brother to Jiang Yanli, adopted father to Lan Sizhui, eventual husband to Lan Wangji (at least according to novel canon and many, many post-canon fics).

Jiang Cheng: Also known as Jiang Wanyin, but only if he’s being a little bitch. He technically has a title (Sandu Shengshou) but I don’t remember if it’s ever actually used in the show. The youngest of the triad of Yunmeng Siblings (Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli), and possibly the most dysfunctional. Expresses all his feelings as anger, and he has a lot of feelings. Abandonment issues and inferiority complex the size of the lake that he grew up on. His entire family died and it fucked him up pretty bad, along with all the other terrible shit that happened. 100% Slytherin especially in terms of “protect my own people first and probably nobody else second.”

Adopted younger brother to Wei Wuxian, biological younger brother to Jiang Yanli. Uncle to Jin Ling (see below).

Jiang Yanli: I’ll take “oldest daughter who doubled as parent figure” for 500, Alex. Jiang Yanli is relatively quiet and mild-mannered but she loves her brothers very much and will throw down for them in a pinch. Tends to wilt in the face of people treating her poorly; not very good at standing up for herself. A professional at taking care of other people and not herself (Wei Wuxian and she have this in common!). She dies and it really does a number on her siblings.

Oldest sister of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng, wife of Jin Zixuan, mother of Jin Ling.

Jiang Fengmian & Yu Ziyuan: Parents of Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng and source of the above’s dysfunction, in a lot of ways. Jiang Fengmian plays favorites (with his adopted son Wei Wuxian) and takes out his feelings about his wife (complicated) by ignoring Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli. Madame Yu is straight up abusive; physically of Wei Wuxian, emotionally of everyone else. In her first appearance she walks into dinner and specifically targets everyone’s weak spots, demolishing three children emotionally in about two minutes, then leaves.

This family! It’s a disaster.

THE LAN SECT

Lan Wangji: Also known as Lan Zhan or Hanguang-jun. The other main character. Has a reputation for being very upright and righteous and rule-abiding; is that, sort of, but also kind of a socially awkward, deeply lonely boy who is trying to be a good person and thinks he can get there by following the right rules. Eventually figures out that’s not how it works. Doesn’t make friends easily but when he loves someone it is with all 500% of his heart.

His circle of people is very small, though. It’s kind of just two: his brother and Wei Wuxian. That’s all! Lan Wangji could use some friends, maybe.

He’s good! Also learns to rebel when appropriate, and “appropriate” especially involves things having to do with Wei Wuxian, for whom he will do just about anything, at least after he comes back from the dead. Before that it’s a little harder.

Younger brother of Lan Xichen, nephew of Lan Qiren, adopted father of Lan Sizhui, eventual husband to Wei Wuxian (see above).

Lan Xichen: Also known as Zewu-jun. He does have a birth name (everyone does!) but it doesn’t get used in canon. Also parented his younger brother (there’s a lot of sibling parents in this show!). Is the peacemaker, does not like conflict, diplomatic to a fault. Noticed how everyone else is very quick to jump to conclusions and decided he has to take all of the giving of the benefit of the doubt and good faith and “let’s wait and see and not jump to murder” because no one else is going to.

People in fandom give him a lot of shit for being stupid but he is not! He is just conflict-averse and cautious and inclined to reserve judgment on people. It just turns out that he happens to place his faith in the wrong person, which is to say Jin Guangyao. It does not work out. He ends up getting tricked/manipulated into killing Jin Guangyao by Nie Huaisang, and is about to stay and die with him when Jin Guangyao surprise pushes him away and thus saves his life.

At least one of the Lan brothers gets a happy ending!

Older brother of Lan Wangji, nephew of Lan Qiren, sworn brother/boyfriend of Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue.

Lan Qiren: Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen’s uncle who essentially raised them due to family dysfunction involving a mother who was basically on house arrest (because she killed someone??? not sure what happened there, information minimal) and their father seems to have been absent, and both died before series start. Rigid and hidebound, very much not a Wei Wuxian fan, very strict with both the Lan brothers and sometimes that involves corporal punishment and yelling.

There are no good parents or parent figures in this series.

Uncle to Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen.

Lan Sizhui: Also known as A-Yuan / Wen Yuan. Originally a Wen kid, first adopted by Wei Wuxian when he founded the commune with the Wen remnants, then adopted by Lan Wangji when everyone in his family was killed and also Wei Wuxian. Grew up a Lan with no memory of his past. Lan Sizhui has two dads.

Cousin/brother (??) to Wen Ning and Wen Qing, adopted son of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.

Lan Jingyi: Sassmaster extraordinaire; the Lan kid who gets to say everything the rest of the Lans are holding back. Of the younger generation quartet formed by him, Lan Sizhui, Ouyang Zizhen, and Jin Ling. If a Lan kid in a scene is sassing someone, it’s Jingyi.

THE NIE SECT

Nie Mingjue: Also known as Chifeng-zun. Very strong opinions about right and wrong with not a whole lot of room for nuance. Formidable warrior. Anger issues, also daddy issues but we don’t get into those as much. Not exactly the friendliest of fellows but it’s not completely his fault, he’s being gradually poisoned by the malevolence of his own weapon. It’s a thing. Dies as a result of being poisoned by evil music courtesy of Jin Guangyao.

Sworn brother/boyfriend to Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao. Older brother of Nie Huaisang.

Nie Huaisang: Mastermind (sort of) of questionable morality, sometimes in order to get revenge for the murder of your older brother you have to wait ten years while building up a reputation as someone utterly useless, then get your old best friend resurrected as part of a series of dominoes meant to demolish your brother’s murderer’s entire life and reputation. Loves art and fans, not a fan of losing his mind to violent sabers as is traditional for the Nie Sect. Smarter than he wants you to think he is, and also just really good at winging it.

Younger brother of Nie Mingjue.

THE JIN SECT

Jin Guangshan: The actual worst. Sect Leader for the first half of the show. Should’ve been kicked down several sets of stairs; the world would’ve been a better place.

Father of Jin Zixuan, Jin Guangyao, Mo Xuanyu, and too many other bastards to list. Possibly Jin Zixun? I’m not clear on that.

Jin Zixuan: Disaster Straight. He comes off as aloof and arrogant but partly this is because he’s just really bad at interacting with people and incredibly awkward. Eventually marries Jiang Yanli after failing to express his feelings for 26 episodes. Shortly thereafter ends up dying when he’s fisted by Wen Ning (through the chest, you filthy animal).

Husband of Jiang Yanli, father of Jin Ling.

Jin Zixun: The other actual worst. When Jin Zixun is having fun no one else is, and when Jin Zixun is not having fun no one else is either. Just generally a tool. As far as I can tell has no redeeming qualities. His ambush of Wei Wuxian provokes the rolling disaster that results ultimately in the deaths of (in order) Jin Zixuan, Wen Qing, Jiang Yanli, and Wei Wuxian.

Cousin of Jin Zixuan.

Jin Guangyao: Also known as Meng Yao and Lianfang-zun, the former before he gets promoted by his absolute bastard of a dad. He’s complicated! A good boy, also responsible for a lot of the bad things that happen, with varying degrees of culpability depending on who you ask. Son of a (in everyone’s words, ever) prostitute, and he’s really got a problem with it. Made some valid points but also got possibly too much revenge on people who hurt him, including some preemptive revenge on people who might have. Does a lot of murder but mostly via other people or evil music. Gets kicked down the stairs twice, which if you ask me is a pretty good reason to be kinda worked up about things.

His hat is very silly and I will not pretend otherwise.

Dies at the end and it’s real sad, if you ask me. Incredibly gay for Lan Xichen, and who can blame him?

Son of Jin Guangshan, half brother of Jin Zixuan, sworn brother/boyfriend of Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue.

Jin Ling: Part of the quartet of juniors including Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi, and Ouyang Zizhen. A mess of a child. (Half)-raised by Jiang Cheng and it shows. Spoiled brat but also just like. Brimming with loneliness and desperation for someone’s approval.

Son of Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan, grandson of Jin Guangshan, nephew of Jiang Cheng and Jin Guangyao (and Wei Wuxian, and Mo Xuanyu, and too many other bastards to name, he’s got a lot of uncles).

Mianmian / Luo Qingyang: Mostly known as Mianmian, which is her nickname. She’s technically a servant but Jin Zixuan is her best friend. Ditches the Jin Sect when they start being jackasses about Wei Wuxian in a seriously epic mic drop moment. Actually lives to the end of the show which makes one female character!

THE WEN SECT

Wen Ruohan: The first Big Bad of the show. Pursuing world domination by the power of the Yin Iron, aka evil metal that lets you control corpses. It doesn’t go well for him.

Dies at the hands of Jin Guangyao - going, at the time, by Meng Yao.

Father of Wen Xu and Wen Chao.

Wen Xu: The oldest son of Wen Ruohan; he barely appears but he does exist. Or did, he doesn’t make it very long.

Wen Chao: Absolute worm of a human being. Like Draco Malfoy in early Harry Potter, but with more killing people. Dies an absolutely horrifying death courtesy of Wei Wuxian, but he did throw Wei Wuxian into a place he was supposed to horribly die in, so I don’t feel that bad for him.

Younger son of Wen Ruohan.

Wen Qing: Incredibly gifted physician, can probably fix anything, including transferring a golden core from one person to another which no one has ever done before. (That’s how Wei Wuxian’s ended up in Jiang Cheng.) Starts out as determinedly loyal to Wen Ruohan basically to protect Wen Ning and keep him safe, but keeps ending up helping our protagonists basically against her better judgment. This does not earn her any points with the Wens, and being a Wen does not earn her any points with anyone else.

Ends up getting swept up by Wei Wuxian when he finds her destitute in the street and they charge off to save her brother together. Subsequently lives in the Burial Mounds commune up until things go to shit and she goes to give herself up with Wen Ning in the hopes of mitigating damage after Jin Zixuan dies. She is executed.

Has a non-thing with Jiang Cheng because they’re very alike in ways that mean that, under the circumstances, they keep missing each other.

Older sister of Wen Ning, sister/cousin (??) of Lan Sizhui, adopted older sister of Wei Wuxian, sort of.

Wen Ning: Also known as Wen Qionglin, but like, once in canon. So you probably won’t see it much. Neither he nor his sister are actually related to Wen Ruohan - they’re from a branch of the family but serve him. Wen Ning doesn’t get to have a lot of nice things. He saves Wei Wuxian’s life (after Wei Wuxian saves his), and (along with Wen Qing) helps get Jiang Cheng out when he was captured by the Wens and protects Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli after their family and sect are killed.

After the Sunshot Campaign he is killed by Jin cultivators (or almost, it’s complicated) but brought back to unlife by Wei Wuxian. Unfortunately this makes him vulnerable to control to make him do things like, say, kill Jin Zixuan and Jin Zixun. He and Wen Qing go to be presumably executed in an attempt to mitigate the damage to Wei Wuxian/maybe?? save his life; Wen Ning gets kept in a dungeon for sixteen years and comes back when Wei Wuxian does.

Younger brother of Wen Qing. brother/cousin (??) of Lan Sizhui, adopted younger brother of Wei Wuxian, sort of.

Wen Zhuliu: Mysterious assassin/bodyguard of the Wens, we know almost nothing about his backstory save that he owes them some kind of debt and he and Yu Ziyuan seem to have some kind of history. The main thing is that he’s capable of destroying the golden core of cultivators, aka rendering them an ordinary person devoid of special powers, forever. Gets killed by Jiang Cheng, whose golden core he destroyed.

Various Wen Remnants: You don’t get a lot of individual characterization from these folks - basically they are the remains of the Wen Sect after the Wen Sect is defeated in the war (called the Sunshot Campaign) that forms the arc of the first part of the show. Pretty much everyone wants them dead. Wei Wuxian rescues them and takes them off to the Burial Mounds, where no one else wants to go, and builds a commune with them, which works for a while until it doesn’t anymore.

They all die. It’s bad.

YI CITY CREW

These got long because I felt like I had to explain more about plot stuff.

Xue Yang: The gremlin! Will cheerfully murder just about anyone at the drop of a hat, he doesn’t really need a reason. Driven initially by a revenge quest for the guy who crushed his finger when he was seven; he kills his whole family, which is a reasonable response when you think of your own life as worth significantly more than anyone else’s. Subsequently and also during fixated on Xiao Xingchen. Kind of a genius?? but he’s pretty low key about it.

Really involved with the plot in a lot of weird ways. Introduced Wen Ruohan to the Yin Iron and taught him how it functioned-ish, worked with Jin Guangyao for a while on necromancy stuff, after the inevitable betrayal ended up getting picked up by a now blind Xiao Xingchen (more on that later) and a-Qing, and lived with them in domestic semi-bliss for three years while also tricking Xiao Xingchen into murdering a lot of people, up to and including his sort-of-ex-boyfriend Song Lan. Turned Song Lan into a zombie, sort of. Fell apart when Xiao Xingchen died (killed himself, on account of Xue Yang demolishing his entire life, whoops) and spent the next decade or so trying to bring him back from the dead.

Dies messily, as you might guess, and I’m still sad about it.

Xiao Xingchen: Grew up on a secret mountain isolated from the rest of society, came down from the secret mountain to help make the world a better place, it really does not work out for him. Travels around for a while being best friends/boyfriends with Song Lan, getting poetry written about him; unfortunately then he and Xue Yang run into each other which is widely regarded as a bad move. Things get messy, Xiao Xingchen ends up with his eyes in Song Lan’s head and blind, he adopts a teenage con artist (see below) and rescues Xue Yang (who he doesn’t know is Xue Yang).

Three years of domestic bliss (sort of) ensue, with the wrinkle that while Xiao Xingchen’s sword Shuanghua can sense corpses so he can still hunt things, it has a glitch where sometimes the corpses it senses are in fact living people that Xue Yang has poisoned and cut out their tongues. Whoops.

After he kills Song Lan (whoops), Xiao Xingchen finds out from a-Qing who he’s been living with and, uh, is upset about it. Xue Yang drops the bomb of “oh yeah so you’ve been killing people this whole time and also! yeah! killed Song Lan too! eyyyy” upon which Xiao Xingchen, his entire world wrecked, kills himself and shatters his soul.

He ends the series basically fragments of soul in a little pouch being carried around by Song Lan. When I put it that way it sounds kinda funny but it’s really not.

A-Qing: Teenage con-artist who pretends to be blind and adopts Xiao Xingchen after stealing his money (he notices, but he also just gives it to her). Knew Xue Yang was bad news but didn’t know how bad. Smart cookie. Xue Yang blinds her and cuts out her tongue (he just loves doing that) after she tells on him to Xiao Xingchen; she gets her revenge by leading Wei Wuxian & co. to figuring out what’s going on, and ultimately enabling the first mortal-wounding of Xue Yang.

Unfortunately, also dies.

Song Lan: Also known as Song Zichen, rarely. A Daoist priest (I think that’s right?) and “rogue cultivator” (in the sense that he’s not affiliated with any sect). He is definitely affiliated with Xiao Xingchen. “Affiliated with.”

Ends up getting caught in the vortex of Xue Yang when his entire temple-family is killed and he’s blinded; says some harsh things and a guilty Xiao Xingchen trades out his eyes to pay him back for being the cause of Xue Yang targeting his temple, then vanishes. Song Lan spends the next long time trying to track him down, eventually finds him in mid-domestic bliss (sort of) with Xue Yang (yikes), promptly attempts to kill Xue Yang, ends up getting his tongue cut out and himself corpse-poisoned and killed by Xiao Xingchen, who thinks he is a random evil corpse instead of his best friend/ex-boyfriend. Xue Yang turns him into a zombie controlled by him. He gets better (from the control, he’s still a zombie).

Literally the only one of the Yi City Crew to make it out alive and he’s not technically alive.

MISCELLANEOUS OTHERS

Ouyang Zizhen: Part of the juniors quartet with Jin Ling, Lan Sizhui, and Lan Jingyi. A budding romantic. Very good, has the misfortune of having Sect Leader Ouyang as a dad, but at least it’s not Sect Leader Yao (see below).

Su She: Due to a confluence of factors having to do with jealousy but also class/rigid hierarchy issues, ends up as Jin Guangyao’s right hand henchman. He’s very loyal when you’re actually nice to him. Really doesn’t like Lan Wangji.

Sect Leader Yao: Mostly just there to have really bad opinions all of the time.

#anonymous #conversating #i can't believe i did this #the untamed #the sad queer cultivators show #a very biased account by me personally #but hey!!! hope it helps anon #long post for ts

157 notes · View notes

belorage · 4 years

Note

Wes for the full clear on the OC asks? 😘😘😘

— OC QUESTIONS

BASICS

What’s their full name? Wesley Daniel Brooks

What does their name mean? Why were they named that? Wesley means “western meadow,” Daniel means “God is my judge,” and Brooks means “stream.” You can find my real world reasoning for choosing his name here. As for the canon reasoning, Wesley is a family name on his father’s side and Daniel is a good Christian name.

Do they have any nicknames? Lots. Wes is the big one (Hwes if you’re Hurk Jr.), Rook, Dep (Deputy if you're as extra as John Seed), Bright Eyes (Raf only), Sundance (Nick only), Darling (Lyra, when she’s being cheeky), and probably a handful more that I’m forgetting.

How old are they? 28, almost 29 as of the start of FC5.

When’s their birthday? November 11, 1989

What’s their zodiac sign/element/birthstone/etc.? Do they believe that holds any significance? Scorpio sun, Aries moon, Aquarius rising. Year of the snake. Birthstones are topaz and citrine. He isn’t aware enough of any of this to believe in it.

What’s their species/subspecies? Do they have any special/magical abilities? He is a natural disaster in human form. His special ability is that he somehow manages to survive that for as long as he does.

What “class” do they belong to (for fantasy characters)? If none, what weapon do they favor? A revolver (Steel & Ivory), a sawed-off shotgun (Sin Eater), or basic hand-to-hand. Close combat is preferable to range. He also uses homemade C4 in his tireless crusade against cult infrastructure.

APPEARANCE

What do they look like? He’s 6′3″, has brown-ish hair (specifically, a warm golden bronze color) and hazel eyes with long eyelashes. Fit, moderate-to-lean build. Sharp features, angular jaw, a pronounced Cupid’s bow. He has the facial hair of a man who has forgotten to shave for two weeks, because he is—you guessed it—a man who has forgotten to shave for two weeks.

Do they have a face claim? Tomas Skoloudik

What’s their style like? Clothes, hair, makeup? Casual clothing—flannels (often tied around the waist), t-shirts, henleys, jeans, boots, jewelry (gold, leather), leather jacket, cargo jacket. His hair is messy and soft, just like he is, because he doesn’t overload it with hair products unlike some people. He’s got an ouroboros tattooed around the lower part of his right forearm and (universe-dependent) John and Lyra’s names on the inside of his wrists.

How do they carry themselves? What’s their default expression? He attempts to project swagger and indifference, but to anyone who knows him and is paying attention, he’s an open book. In a comfortable environment, he’s loose and casual. His default expression is fixated if he has something to occupy his mind and distant if he doesn’t.

Do they have any physical ailments or disabilities? No, but he’s got bruises and flesh wounds aplenty! He’s got bite marks and scratches galore! You want knife-slashing scars? He’s got twenty. But who cares? No big deal. Wes wants mooooore! 🎵

PERSONALITY

What’s their alignment? Chaotic Good/Chaotic Neutral

Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into? ISFP

What are their hobbies and interests? Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)? I answered for his favorite films and TV here, and his favorite book is Watership Down. He likes the Beatles and bar snacks and black coffee. His favorite cultists are Lyra, John, and Shaggy—please don’t judge him.

What are they bad at? Dancing!

What kind of things do they dislike/hate? Hates being controlled, dislikes very sweet things.

Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses? Impulsiveness, reactive behaviors. He smokes and drinks, although neither of those are done with a shocking amount of excess. Previously, harder drugs.

What are their goals and motivations? Freedom and acceptance.

What are their manners like? Any habits? He’s not a jerk; he has passable manners when the situation calls for them, but Emily Post would like him not. His habits are covered in much more detail here, but the big one is that he tends to busy his hands and/or mouth with things wherever possible.

What are they most afraid of? Rejection, abandonment, enclosed spaces, death (specifically, the possibility of an afterlife).

BACKGROUND

Where were they born? What was their childhood like? Born in Hope County. He was an only child and his home life was suspect, but made moderately more bearable by his best friend. Once he realized trying to please his father was a losing battle, he said hell yeah to a downward spiral of rebelliousness and troublemaking.

What’s their family like? His dad was a jerk of the sort that would never be satisfied. Big on toxic masculinity, short on acceptance. His mother loved him, but she fell in line more often than not.

What factions or organizations are they a part of? What ranks and titles do they hold? Hope County Sheriff’s Office (probationary sheriff’s deputy), Hope County Resistance (figurehead, pot stirrer, problem magnet).

How do they fit into their “story”? Barely. Next question. I hate to use this word yet again, but it’s the only one that fits: his story is mostly about acceptance—self, fate, fault, sorrow, joy—because as much as he desired acceptance from others, he denied a lot of it for himself.

Where do they currently live? What’s their place like? He grew up in the Silver Lake trailer park, way up on the northeastern end of Holland Valley, near the Whitetails. For the duration of the game timeline, I picture him spending more time crashing where he can—with the Ryes, in the woods, wherever—but his own place would be sparse and fairly untidy, with clothes tossed everywhere.

How do they eventually die? Wesley intends to live forever. How dare you insinuate—

RELATIONSHIPS

Do they have any friends? Would they consider anyone to be their best friend? Within the timeline of the game, he has quite a few. Raf is his best friend (and has been since they were kids), but Nick (and Kim) are both up there. He has a soft spot for Mary May; that seems to be reciprocal. He appreciates Grace because she doesn’t ask unnecessary questions. Sharky and Hurk offer unconditional friendship, which he appreciates and sorely needs. Adelaide is the vodka aunt who thirsts after his ex. She tries to rile him up sometimes (in a myriad of ways), but he likes her. And if you account for other universes, his friend count goes way up thanks to the various and sundry brat squad kids.

What’s their friend group like? What role do they play in it? When he was younger, he was the introvert-adopted-by-an-extrovert. He was a bit too withdrawn to have friends outside of that, though he wasn’t unfriendly. For a bulk of the current timeline, his friend group is “ragtag misfits” status and he basically gets ping-ponged between them as they try—with varying amounts of success—to fight a cult.

What’s their love life like? (See also: ship question meme.) Do they have any kids? Depends on the universe. In canon, it’s messy but becomes significantly healthier later on. His previous relationship was promising and likely would have been ideal, except that they were young and unable (or unready) to deal with the realities of their situation. In AU, he is enemies-with-benefits but also grossly in love with the Judge of Eden’s Gate and her husband (who was a fun surprise, but it’s fine, because Wes got Lyra back by giving her a gracious two-for-one deal on children)!

Who do they look up to? Who do they trust? Whitehorse is something of a father figure, though Wes would never say that out loud. For the record, neither would Whitehorse (at least not directly to Wes)—mostly for Wes’s benefit. He trusts Raf, Pastor Jerome, and the rest of his friends listed above.

Who do they hate? Do they have any enemies? Joseph, because Joseph is daddy issues incarnate. Jacob, because Jacob understands Wes well enough to yank him around like a dog on a leash. By the time the Collapse hits, everyone is his enemy to some extent (as evidenced by the adorable horns and pointy tails drawn all over his wanted posters). Notable exceptions are John, Sharky, Hurk, and Whitehorse; however, all but the first are functionally unknown to him.

Do they have any pets? Just Boomer, who is the best emotional support animal a disaster could ask for.

Are they good with kids? Animals? He’s naturally good with both children and animals, but he lacks practical experience, especially with the former (shout-out to the Ryes for finally adding that to his resume).

FUN FACTS

Which tropes do they fit? Which archetypes? Tropewise, he’s Troubled, but Cute and I can’t refute it; apart from the high school thing, it’s a full BINGO clear. He’s also Bruiser with a Soft Center, Inferiority Superiority Complex, Cosmic Plaything, Desperately Craves Affection, Hero with Bad Publicity, I Am Not My Father, and almost certainly a whole host of shameful others that I don’t dare brave the rest of TVTropes to find. Of the twelve classic archetypes, he’s some combination of The Hero and The Outlaw. Otherwise: fallen angel, antihero, byronic hero, prodigal son.

Do they play any instruments? Sports? He can play guitar, but only at an intermediate level. He’s not big on sports, but he can ice skate and he likes to swim.

What are some items they always carry? Steel & Ivory and a lighter; later, Sin Eater. In New Dawn he carries John’s watch.

Do they collect anything? Bad decisions. Minicultists, apparently. Nothing in particular.

What position do they sleep in? His default position when he’s alone and in a comfortable place is on his belly. There are exceptions listed in greater detail here.

Which emoji would they use the most? Honestly, he’s not really the type to use emojis, but he will send his love interest pictures of things he likes or finds pretty with no context. Otherwise, his texts tend to be short, to-the-point, and lacking in punctuation or capitalization. Believe it or not, he’d much rather communicate in person. My most frequently used emojis for him are 🍰 and 🐍. (Awww, cake and snake... They rhyme. How precious!)

What languages do they speak? English. He knows a limited amount of Spanish, but he’s better at understanding it than he is at speaking it.

What’s their favorite expletive? Damn or fuck.

What’s their favorite candle scent? Pine.

What songs remind you of them? I have a playlist for him here, but it—much like him—is a bit of a mess. I also have a playlist based on his own taste in music here.

Which animal would you say represents them? Snakes, stags, swans, scorpions.

What stereotypical high school clique would they fit into? Loners or troublemakers, probably. Stoners on a technicality—he doesn’t fit the stereotype, but he does have a history. He has some of the soul of an art kid but, tragically, none of the talent.

What would their favorite ride at an amusement park be? At a real amusement park, probably the roller coasters. At something more lowkey like a carnival, he’d like the classic, aesthetically pleasing rides like the Ferris wheel or the carousel.

Do they believe in aliens? Ghosts? Reincarnation or something else? He’s not an “I Want to Believe” sort of guy, but he still can’t explain the Larry Parker debacle. He tries very hard not to believe (or at least not to think about) any sort of afterlife, because he fears it.

Do they follow any religions/gods? Do they celebrate holidays? His family was Catholic, but he endeavors not to be. He likely wouldn’t celebrate holidays as a bachelor overmuch, but he would take part in holiday activities with others.

Which Deadly Sin do they most correspond to? Which Heavenly Virtue? Pride and Fortitude.

If you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, which would it be? The Tower, The Devil, The Wheel of Fortune.

#oc: wesley brooks #ch: wesley brooks #v: ouroboros #oc asks #ask games #asks

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the-parentheticals · 5 years

Text

Characters: Toby, OC (Blair), mentions of Roman and various other minor characters

Warnings: Vague inferiority complex, mentions of adoption

Word Count: 595

A/N: Okay, absolutely no one asked for this but this is a Very Important part of the superhero AU and Roman.

“Blair?” Toby asked, sitting upright in his bed. His sister turned on her heel, then clasped her hands together.

“Yes?” What did he want with her? Had she done something wrong?

“Can you tuck me in?” Well. She was not expecting that. She didn’t approve, anyway. (Yes, she was a buzzkill. Blair didn’t care. It was a small price to pay.)

“You’re ten.”

“I know, but can you do it anyway?”

Blair sighed. “Fine. I’ll get Ro--no.” She had to kick herself. Roman had been busy for months. “N--Mom.” She started toward the stairs.

“No, I want you to do it.” Blair blinked. No. She’d heard that wrong. Toby didn’t want her to do it. Too detached. Too calculated. What was wrong with her?

“Okay,” she said breathlessly. Blair immediately began forming a plan with every step she took. Fluff the pillow, pull back each blanket individually, blow him a little kiss--only a little kiss!

When she picked up the pillow, Toby tilted his head. “What are you doing?”

“Fluffing--” Shake. “--the--” Shake. “--pillow.” Shake. “So it’s nice and soft.”

“Okay.” He said nothing else until she was covering him with the last blanket. Had she done a good job? She hoped she had. She had to.

“Do you think Roman doesn’t love us anymore?” Toby asked suddenly. Blair’s hands froze, and she almost dropped the blanket.

“What?” she said quietly, more to herself than anything else. “I--”

“Do you think Roman’s...upset that we’re taking all of Mom and Dad’s time and it’s ‘cause we’re not their real kids?” asked Toby.

Blair didn't even consider the interruption surprising. “Roman’s not their real kid any more than we are.” It came out barely a whisper. She didn’t like that. “I’m sure we’ll be…” What word to use? “Adequate.”

“He kind of is.” Yes, she had used the wrong word. Toby turned to look at her. “They’ve been his parents for... five, ten, fifteen… lots of years.”

Why did he have to make so many good points? Blair dusted her hands off on her jacket. “Fifteen, remember? One ten, five ones.” Focus on what came naturally. “You’re right. I’m sure he loves us. I’m sure he’s just busy.” Even as she said the words, she could feel them slipping away from her, the product of too many foster homes and loneliness and everything always being wrong, wrong, wrong!

“Really?” Toby would… probably get it, anyway.

No, that was a stupid decision. She couldn’t take it out on him. This was her job.

“Toby Browning.” She stood up. She had to keep herself from shaking. “It’s not your fault. I promise.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.” She bent down to brush a lock of hair away from his face. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine, she thought. “Sweet dreams.”

As soon as she’d made it out the door, she dropped to her knees and pressed her arm to her face. Her jacket came away wet. It was her fault. She paid too much attention to Roman, and now he hated them all.

Wrong. Roman was not that kind of person. No, she hadn’t paid enough attention, and that was why he left them. Yes, that was more than likely.

She’d failed. She’d failed not only herself, but Toby, Missy, Parker. Nichole and T--Mom and Da--What was she supposed to call them? Nothing sounded right. She’d failed them, too. Roman, in a sense. Magenta, if she wanted to stretch it.

She’d failed all her siblings, one way or another. It didn’t matter. She had to move on. This couldn’t happen again.

#sanders sides #sanders shorts #roman sanders #toby sanders #that is the fanname for october right?#blair browning #my fic #my stuff #sanders sides superhero au #pari writes real fics #another mess i didn't plan au #amidp au

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gretchensinister · 6 years

Text

Burgess Wilderness Recreation Area 13/?

And so continues the story I began for the Black as Pitch Halloween event. It’s the kind of story I’m sure you know well. Five college kids, a cabin, and a state park that just doesn’t get many visitors any more… (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12)

“Ready?” Tooth asked.

“Yeah,” Bunny and Sandy said.

“You have your maps?” Bunny asked.

Tooth and Sandy showed him that they did.

“Okay,” Tooth said. “We’re getting out of here. We’re not going back to the cabin, not until we have a car, and probably the cops.”

The others nodded.

“Are you sure you want to bother with that tent?” Sandy asked Bunny. “I mean, I really don’t think we’re going to end up using it.”

“I want to have it. I’d just as soon never come back, and my tent’s the only thing I really want to keep. Not sure when I’d really want to use it again, but it was a gift and I’d never be able to buy a tent this nice on my own.”

“All right. I think it won’t be a big deal, anyway,” said Tooth. “So, are we…are we really going to go now? I want to, I really do…”

“But going outside seems like a really bad idea,” Sandy said. “Yeah. But we also really want to live.” He reached out and took Bunny’s and Tooth’s hands. “Let’s go.”

***

“Jackie was afraid of dark water. Like, specifically,” Tooth said, once they were a few minutes down the trail. “And that’s where it attacked her from. I keep thinking about that.”

“The worst way to go, then,” Bunny said gloomily.

Sandy grimaced. “Well, here’s another awful coincidence: Nick had a pretty bad experience hitting a deer with his car when he was in high school. I bet that’s why he stopped so fast when the monster jumped in front of the car.”

No one said anything for a while.

“So…are we thinking the monster somehow knew that?” Tooth asked.

“I want to say, ‘that’s just movie shit,’ but a monster existing at all is movie shit. So…like…I kind of hate that idea, but I guess I don’t want to completely rule out the possibility,” Bunny said.

“Well, that’s probably the scariest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Sandy said. “So, congrats.”

They said nothing more until they reached the wreck of Nick’s van. They gave it as wide a berth as possible, and even once they had passed it, they all kept looking back over their shoulders at it.

“So,” Sandy said, when he happened to catch Bunny’s eyes as they both turned. “What are you most afraid of?”

“Honestly?” Bunny’s eyes darted around to the forest surrounding them. “Before this weekend, I would have said heights. Now, though, I think I’m most afraid of whatever’s out in the woods.” They went on for a few more steps. “And second to that, I’m afraid of having to remember this weekend for the rest of my life, especially if we’re the only ones that end up knowing what really happened. I mean…you said it before we left. We’re going to be pretty fucked up about this. But we can’t guarantee that we’ll always be around for each other. We’re all from different places. We’re all going to go different places after we graduate. And if I need someone to talk to, without having to explain everything, without having to prove I’m not crazy…I’ll be alone.”

“Maybe that would have happened if this situation wasn’t quite so extreme,” Tooth said. “Sandy and I are always going to need someone to talk to, too.”

“So, if we’re forty and we need someone to freak out to over skype or whatever, someone will be there,” Sandy said. “I promise.”

“I promise, too,” Tooth said.

“Besides,” Sandy said, “it’s not like you absolutely couldn’t tell anyone else.”

“Well…no, I really don’t think I could,” Bunny said. “And, hey, aren’t you going to talk about me making it easier for the monster by being afraid of it specifically?”

“We haven’t been able to make anything hard for the monster, yet,” Tooth said.

“Oh. Yeah,” said Bunny. “I guess you’re right.”

***

A monster was impossible. Bunny knew this, just as well as he knew anything. It was impossible, and yet it was. It wasn’t going to get easier for him to accept that as time passed, even if Sandy and Tooth were going to be his lifelong friends. There’d always be someone better than him—smarter, older, just more worthy—who was just more sure about monsters not being real. He couldn’t stand up to that, and he knew because he was kind of a monster, in a way. And no one had believed him when he’d said something.

Sandy had commiserated with him on the difficulty of being a person that no one would believe, but he’d said it in a way that made it seem as though he thought Bunny had never been in that position before. Well, it was all right for Sandy to think that. He’d never wanted to have anyone think otherwise. But that didn’t change the fact that when he was only nine, he’d been given an impossible dilemma. He’d told the truth and been told he was lying.

He doesn’t remember much about the day; it must have been so ordinary. The only extraordinary part was Jason. Jason was so cool, and that day was the day that Bunny realized he had one of those mysterious things called a crush on him. It was exciting! He felt so grown up! He understood secrets that those who’d never had a crush did not! Now, he knew he wasn’t the only one with a crush on Jason—he wasn’t even the only boy with a crush on Jason. Jason, whose true loyalty was towards anything to do with ancient Egypt, was embroiled in a complex web of sit-next-tos and hands held and teams joined, but thanks to the careful guidance of the teachers and the ages of all involved, no lasting harm had been done to anyone’s feelings. Perhaps the greatest toll was on Jason, who, in an effort not to show favoritism, hadn’t played just one game at recess for years. For everyone else, though, the true game was Jason, and it was fun. Alliances and intrigues flourished on the playground, and deeds done in the name of winning Jason’s affection gave countless opportunities for friendships to be broken and re-formed, with all the drama grade-school children could muster.

Ultimately, though, the game of Jason was not so very serious. Crushes were serious business to the kids, but a crush on Jason, well, that was a little less serious. Everyone had a crush on Jason. And everyone could be fairly confident that Jason wouldn’t reciprocate anyone’s crush, or if he did, he wouldn’t say anything about it. Thus the uncharted territory of an actual romance could be safely avoided if one had a crush on Jason, while one could still enjoy the feeling of maturity that came with the development of a crush.

Another noteworthy feature of crushes on Jason was that they were far less secret than other crushes. It was embarrassing to have a crush on anybody, even Jason, but if you had a crush on Jason, you knew that you had company. You knew that it wasn’t weird to have a crush on Jason.

This was the perspective Bunny was familiar with as he rode the little bus home from school that day. He did not feel any particular anxiety regarding the fact that he and Jason were both boys. At his school, with its one small class for each grade, there had been nice new books in every classroom, written for each particular grade level, showing that men could fall in love with men and women could fall in love with women. His parents had told him this, too. And though he had a mom and a dad, he knew a couple of his classmates had two moms or two dads.

He knew, at age nine, that there were people out there that thought men being in love with men or women being in love with women was wrong, but none of his friends or his friends’ parents felt that way, so he was pretty sure that the only people who thought that were very old and would be long dead by the time he was old enough to have to deal with them. He and his crush were part of the future, and it was going to be way better than the one those mean, old people had imagined.

He was the only one to get off the bus when it stopped at his driveway. Most of the other kids in his subdivision went to a larger school that, according to his parents, didn’t give kids enough time to move, started too early, ended too late, and only served canned goop for lunch. (A nutritionist and a chef planned the meals at Bunny’s school. The chef had formerly worked for a fairly well-known TV actor, and the nutritionist had worked with a list of people that included several gold medalists.) There were certain other differences between the schools that could be easily seen with a class photo, but Bunny had never thought to do a comparison and his parents never talked about it. And if they did, well, surely it was not their individual faults, was it? What were they supposed to do? Make an inferior choice for their only child’s education to make some kind of point? Surely that wouldn’t do anybody any good. Again, though, they didn’t talk about such things in front of Bunny.

What this meant for Bunny on a practical level was that he was all by himself when he got off the bus that day. He was all by himself in the excitement of his crush (he would tell his friends tomorrow, that would be Friday, and an excellent day for a dramatic reveal in the game of Jason). The only person who would be there to talk to at home, however, would doubtless be just as excited to hear the news as he was to tell it. His mom always loved to hear about what he did in school, and usually she was even more enthusiastic about things that weren’t schoolwork, things that she called developmental markers. What could mark development more than a crush? He knew she’d be glad. And, sure, it might be kind of embarrassing, but that was part of the crush experience. He could use that in his grand reveal to his friends tomorrow. Oh, how his enthusiasm had led to his mortification, imagine him telling his mom about his crush! Who else had crushed on Jason so much as to do that?

His mom opened the door for him as the bus pulled away. He practically bounced up the driveway to her, his nearly empty backpack bumping behind him (his school did not believe in homework).

“Guess what!” he said, as soon as he was close enough not to yell. He might have been willing to tell his mom about his crush, but yelling it was another matter, even if the street was otherwise completely empty.

“What, honey?” his mom asked, smiling in reply to his smile.

Now, as they entered the house and closed the door behind them, Bunny became shy. Him, having a crush! But nothing untoward had ever followed him telling his mom anything—at least, nothing worse than a long explanation of why his behavior wasn’t appropriate, and anyway, he had already decided to tell her.

“I have a crush on someone,” he said, trying not to mumble so he wouldn’t have to say it twice.

“A crush?” his mom said. She was still smiling. “Oh, you’re about to enter a whole new world of feelings. Is your crush on someone from your school? What’s her name?”

On some level, it did register to Bunny that his mom had immediately assumed that the person he had a crush on was a girl. But this was his mom, and he didn’t have the kind of experience that would have made what she said an overt warning. So he went on. “My crush isn’t on a girl,” he said. “It’s on Jason!” His mom would know who Jason was. Even though Jason wasn’t one of his close friends, his whole class had been invited to Bunny’s last birthday party, and Jason had come to that party.

But his mom’s face went blank when he mentioned Jason’s name, and, then, the expression on her face changed to something like the way it looked when she talked about the other school, or Wal-Mart, or something like that.

Bunny’s thoughts were a jumble. He began to think that he had made a mistake, telling his mom about his crush, but why would that be a mistake? His mom wasn’t a bad grown-up. His mom had told him that it was okay to be gay. And was he gay? He hadn’t given it a whole lot of thought. He just had a crush on Jason, and he’d been excited about it. But now—

His mom’s expression cleared and Bunny wanted to relax, but he couldn’t. What had just happened? It was just a little change in her expression, but it was the opposite of what he’d been expecting. Maybe she’d just thought of something else at that moment?

But he had a weird feeling that wasn’t the case.

And then she spoke again, from her newly kind expression. “Oh, honey,” she said, gently taking his backpack and putting her arm around his shoulder. She guided him toward the kitchen, where a healthy afternoon snack would be waiting for him. “You don’t really have a crush on Jason.”

Bunny looked up at her, bewildered.

“I know you admire Jason,” she said. “Most of your class does. Some of the other moms and I talked about it at your birthday. It’s quite popular to say you have a crush on Jason, isn’t it? But it isn’t as though everyone has to have a crush on him. Oh, I’m sure a few of your classmates have crushes. Jason seems like a very nice boy. But for you, it’s admiration, not a crush.”

“How…how do you know?” Bunny asked.

“It’s the only thing that makes sense, with you being so young,” his mom said. “I know that, as you grow up, you’re going to experience a lot of confusing feelings. It’s not always easy to tell what they are, and that’s what this crush that’s not a crush is. It’s your father’s and my fault, really. We tried to be alert to the effects of toxic masculinity, but we couldn’t protect you from all of it. It’s totally possible for boys and men to admire each other and to have strong platonic feelings about each other. It’s a failure of our society that we deny boys that closeness. It’s a failure of language that all our words to describe powerful, close relationships have the idea of romance caught up in them.”

Bunny chewed on his carrot sticks, which had been his favorite afternoon snack for a long time. Right now, they tasted funny. He didn’t think the things his mom was saying were wrong, not exactly, but they didn’t sound right for him. He might be young, but he was pretty sure that what he felt about Jason was different from anything he felt before. He knew what it felt like to admire someone, even admire someone a lot. He knew what friendship was like.

“But I could be gay,” he said, not scared, not wary, mostly just confused. Why had his mom reacted this way?

The weird expression came back, just for a moment. “Honey, you’re not gay,” she said. “Your dad and I have made a point of watching for signs if you were. When children are raised in an accepting, progressive household, they tend to show signs of their orientation even during their earliest school years. You didn’t show any of the signs. And you’re our first child, first son, and I had a young body age when I was pregnant with you, and the hormone environment in my uterus was ideal. It’s so, so unlikely for you to be gay. The conditions just weren’t right, and since we made sure you grew up in an accepting environment, if you were gay, you would have known and told us sooner.”

“Oh,” Bunny said. He needed to think about all that. He needed to think about that for a long time.

But his mom wasn’t going to let him do that. “Aren’t you relieved that you’re not gay, sweetie? It’s really hard out there in the world for gay people. You’ll be able to help them so much more easily as a straight person rather than a gay person, which I know you’ll want to, because you’re a good boy, and you were willing to think that about yourself, even if no one pushed you into the idea.”

She kept her arm around him, smiling patiently.

Bunny couldn’t figure out what to think or what to do. His mom was being so kind, so patient, so reasonable, just like she always was. So he shouldn’t be feeling angry with her, even though he kind of thought he was. Now, it was okay to be angry—his mom had told him that, too—it was even okay for him to be angry at her. And when he was angry, it was important for him to express that anger, in order for him to not stunt his emotional development. But if he was allowed to express his anger, why was it so terrifying for him to be angry at his mom, now? It was okay, he’d been angry with his mom before, hadn’t he?

But he could only remember the times when he thought he had been angry with her, and she’d explained to him that he really wasn’t angry, he was really scared, or worried, or confused, or defensive, and he needed to learn to feel those emotions, too. So often, media showed men as emotionless, or only experiencing anger. That was a problem, because men and boys and complex, varied emotions, and they needed to express and accept these, even if it didn’t make them feel traditionally masculine. And, well, as his mother always assured him, there was no reason for him to be angry with her. But he could be scared, or worried, or confused, or defensive, because the world was a big, confusing place, and he didn’t have a whole lot of experience being a person. So he could tell her whatever he was worried about and she would do her best to guide him through it, because that was her job—to show him how to make his way in this big, bewildering world.

Bunny didn’t want to have that conversation right now, and he knew that’s what would happen if he said he was angry. He was pretty sure he was angry. He didn’t want to hear that he wasn’t. Just like he didn’t want to hear that he didn’t really have a crush on Jason.

And so there was the dilemma. If he was honest about being angry, he’d be told that he wasn’t. But he was, he was, he was! And his crush on Jason was real—wasn’t it? His mom had been so nice as she explained. She wouldn’t have said those things because she didn’t want him to be gay. That would be homophobic, and their family did not associate with homophobic people (“If they even deserve to be called people,” his mom had once said).

So why—why?

He couldn’t figure it out, and his mom was still standing there, waiting for him to say something. Respecting his voice. He always got a chance to respond. But what if he didn’t want to respond? Could that be okay, too? No, not right now, it couldn’t. Right now, he had to say something to his mom, who, in the way she talked just now, reminded Bunny of the parents in some of the fun chapter books, scifi and horror, that he wasn’t supposed to read because their reading level was too low for him, and they didn’t have appropriate representation, anyway. But he still read them sometimes. Probably because he wasn’t trying as hard as he should to escape the toxic culture he was born into, even though his parents were trying as hard as they could to free him from it. But they hadn’t been completely useless books, because they showed him how his mom was acting now. She was acting like the parents in those books that asked the kids what was going on, and when the kids, who were mostly good, told the truth, the parents wouldn’t believe them, and they’d explain that the kids hadn’t seen what they thought they’d seen.

It happened so often that Bunny started wondering why the kids didn’t get that that was going to happen. Why didn’t they just say something normal? Why did they try to tell their parents at all?

Now he was pretty sure he knew. They told their parents because they thought their parents would support and help them. They told their parents because they loved and trusted their parents. But it wasn’t enough. And that was horrible. It always made him cringe with embarrassment when the kids would keep trying to make their parents believe them. It never worked. So, that wasn’t going to be him. He’d say the only thing that made sense to those kinds of parents: Just what they wanted to hear.

“Oh,” he said, slowly enough to justify his long pause, as if he had been deeply considering her words, which of course he had, just not the way she would have hoped. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I just wasn’t thinking about it that way.”

“You’re a good boy,” his mom said, and that seemed odd to him, too. She had always called him “kid” before, when she said something like that. “Did you tell anyone else?”

There was that weird thing on her face again. His mom—his mom shouldn’t be asking that question. Not if being gay was no big deal, not if this was just a misunderstanding.

He knew how he was feeling after that question. Mad. Sad. And too afraid to lie, and glad that the truth was probably the right answer this time. “No, mom,” he said. “I wanted to tell you first.”

“You’re a good boy,” she said again.

There was a difference between the right answer and the truth. Even in his world, and even in his home. He knew that was an unspeakable thing to say among the people of his world, so he decided to make sure no one ever knew that he knew. The burden would be his to bear. He never said anything to his friends about what happened, and as time passed, he did all that he could to maintain the right answers. He wasn’t gay. He would show no signs that he was gay, now that he knew how closely his parents watched him.

He still had a crush on Jason, though. And that was the truth.

Knowing the difference between the truth and the right answer, his already high grades became exceptional. But, there had never been any doubt about his going to college, so that didn’t make much of a difference.

He always resented that there was a difference between the truth and the right answer, though, and he was always terrified that someone would find out that he knew.

This didn’t change even in college, even when he became aware of more and more people pointing out some of the same hypocrisies he’d noticed. It was all right for them. Just not for him.

With more time, Bunny would probably have been able to talk to someone about his anxiety that someone in some position of power over him would outright deny his experiences, his anxiety caused by the pressure of maintaining a falsehood, and the feeling that others weren’t interested in the truth at all, but he didn’t have that time. He had, mostly, the oppressive weight of his fear of the monster and his fear of the situation that would haunt him for the rest of his life if he ever got out of these woods: he had seen something impossible, truly impossible, and this time, everyone would be completely justified in disbelieving him.

He wasn’t thinking about how the opportunity to worry for the rest of his life might be better than another all-too-likely possibility.

#blackaspitch #sanderson mansnoozie #toothiana #bunnymund #if you like it consider reblogging #I live and breathe for comments #oh look another flashback what could this mean about the next part?

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nayeon-sadly-owns-me · 7 years

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Mini-series post

For those who are returning to my mini-series Analogy/Review/Recap(?) of Gold Dust, thanks for reading! For those who haven’t read my Part One post about Gold Dust, I highly advised you do because you probably just end up lost and confused.

The same promises I made in the first post carry on to this one. I split Chapter 2 into two posts because its too lengthy to talk about in one shot. As usual this is a warning that I write A LOT. Enjoy~

Part Two-

First half of chapter 2

Spoilers beyond this point

Miscommunication is often an incredible frustrating trope used by writers to create drama. On the surface, Nayeon expresses self-hatred because she has led herself to believe that Momo needs normal and that means she needs her as a friend. Her past habits (being a manipulative soul eater basically) have led her to a place where she feels like anything she does is impure and undeserving of Momo. Meanwhile, Momo’s feelings have broken the surface of being romantic, only wanting to be friends with Nayeon because she truly believes that Nayeon doesn’t like her like that. With her inferiority complex, she can’t see herself deserving of Nayeon.

You might think to yourself, how can Momo think of herself as undeserving when she is an angel sent from above and Nayeon has already labeled herself as Satan. Well, remember that Momo has lived her life alone with neglectful parents who out right abandoned her when she was around the age of 11 (Maybe 12). When you’re forced to live such a lonely life, anybody who makes an effort to change that (Nayeon) becomes a precious person. Momo has seen her at her worst, but because she has convinced herself that she can’t be greedy with Nayeon, choses to look past those flaws and see the good in her. So, when Nayeon has her freak outs, Momo can only blame herself because she can’t contemplate that it just might be Nayeon being irrational and it will pass.

With as much internal trauma that these two have generated for themselves, the concept of drama coming from miscommunication can no longer be applied. Instead it becomes a journey of when they will finally come to a place where they start to understand the depths of each other’s issues and how they can finally talk about it. I wouldn’t expect this for a while though.

Trauma is hard to talk about much less unspoken trauma that has had years to fester and stick. It’s why I never felt a usual ping of annoyance over watching the cycle (that I mentioned last part) repeat itself because we could gain something new from each scene and watch the characters grow. These characters might never come to a complete understanding but to a place of acceptance, and that’s what makes it worth wild to watch them go from start to finish.

With all that said, we open up with Nayeon engaging in one of her older habits, drinking away any leftover taste of Momo. We get to witness another turning point, where her relationship with Momo (loosely term based) has now overridden her previous destructive habits. Despite the fact that Wine is known for its lingering taste, Nayeon’s brain has convinced itself that it can’t drown out the taste of Spearmint. Think of it as- Nayeon is trying to drink herself to forget, but the thought of Momo makes it impossible to do.

She has to come to terms with the fact that Momo isn’t a presence that will go away with time. If anything, it only gets stronger as time progresses. The 10 or so years she spent trying to destroy herself enough so no one else can is now slowly being minded. When you’ve dealt with severe self-hatred for that long, any idea of change can be alarming at best. Change that a person didn’t ask for can be even worse.

So Nayeon has to decide a new strategy to battle against Momo because now she is starting to remember what it’s like to feel and not just live to cause destruction.

She thinks of it as her being caught in a trap, unable to break free so she goes for her last-ditch addiction. Except Momo has already beaten her to it. Gum has become a personified version of what Nayeon has come to identify as the Momo addiction. Momo replacing the cigarette with a piece of gum is a representation of how Momo wants her to pick up a new habit to replace smoking.

Instead of smoking a cigarette that could be anywhere, she gives into her impulse and chews the gum instead. Because if Momo is in the equation, Nayeon will always choose her over anything else.

The next scene starts with Nayeon determined to stop things between them. It doesn’t last long because she sees Momo waiting with the recovered book in hand and a cute injured face. It reminds her how much she does care.

Momo begins to hint at her feelings, claiming that she can’t forget the fact that they have fucked each other in 2 separate locations. This leads to Nayeon realizing that Momo had never done anything like that before.

The panic that Nayeon expresses goes back to the games she played with Jihyo and Jeongyeon when sex was just a tool. With Momo it wasn’t. It’s a feeling that she took advantage of her like she did with the others. She views Momo as too pure and now she feels like she has tainted her because she doesn’t feel good enough to be her first.

Even when Momo is trying to express the fact that she liked it but will go back to the way things were before, Nayeon won’t have it because it simply goes against what she believes is the truth. When Momo leaves, all she has left is her habit of smoking and an empty feeling.

Seungyeon plays a much more outgoing role this chapter than her quiet role in the first one. She has Nayeon explaining that she spent years wishing she was dead only to get over it 2 years ago by fucking up other people’s lives. Seungyeon brings up that previously, Nayeon was at 98% of the ‘I-want-to-die’ scale, back when things were bumpy but not as rough as now with Momo. It gives insight that since Momo has entered her life, her will to live has increased even if only slightly.

The painting of the mother-child that Nayeon hates is a good symbol for the hatred she has for her own mother. There is not enough context about the sunrise/sunfall painting to clarify if it means anything other than it meaning another day is coming/ending. It might remind her of a tomorrow, one that she doesn’t deserve.

“Because destroying something that makes you uncomfortable is so much easier than giving yourself a chance to like it, right?” is a good analogy given that it perfectly describes her reaction towards Momo. Although only the audience can really comprehend that.

Nayeon not wanting to be at 100% can testify that there is something that’s keeping her here. Whether it is Momo or her dad, we can only assume.

They say that when you’re intoxicated you say and do things that you actually want to do. Nayeon seeking out Momo is exactly what sober Nayeon would do if she didn’t have her self-created mess to consider. In the meantime, we have Momo dealing with the fact that she is overloading over feeling like it was her fault the team lost and her fault that Nayeon doesn’t want her back because now the idea that Momo likes Nayeon has reached the surface.

Intoxicated Nayeon breaks her out of her head and Momo is left to take her back home. Her dedication to Nayeon can know no bounds because she has chosen Nayeon as her person. Momo is good about blocking out Nayeon, it’s only when Nayeon returns that she breaks because that’s her person, she just can’t leave her. Momo will come to her aid no matter if it is temporary or permanent.

We get our first meeting between the maid and Momo. Their interactions are detailed as Momo being no one important, hoping to be someone important, and then finally introducing herself as Momo. This form of repetition is used to show how their relationship changes from indecisive to intimate.

Despite all that Nayeon has done, Momo still values her wishes (although false ones) higher than her own by requesting that she be properly looked after before walking away again.

Although Momo has never talked about Momo extensively outside her conversations with her dad and Sana/Jisoo/Jennie, she still breaks Im Nayeon character by allowing her maid to talk about her. We get mentions of her violent nature as the standard, but she remains calm and composed as she listens to her maid talk about how much Momo cares about her. When Nayeon is thinking rationally, Momo is definitely her source of calmness.

Instead of snark, Nayeon responds with insecurity that we have only seen her show in front of her dad (and to a small degrees, Momo). This leads to Nayeon coming to the realization that the more they are apart, the more they become unstable. It’s a relationship that screams out toxic and yet they’re better when they are with each other. The creation of such a complex relationship like this is really hard to do. In order to come up with a solution that will abide by her previous misdoings and her need to stop the pain from being away from Momo, she decides that friendship is what they both need.

By just being a friend, she has herself believing that she isn’t treating Momo like the girls in her past. That she is doing what Momo wants because she can’t fathom why Momo would want anything else with her. I say that she decides this, because Momo would go with whatever she thinks is right. Because expressing her feelings makes her feel like she’s asking for too much especially from Nayeon.

Momo had made an off-hand comment about how reading makes her sleepy. So, strategically, Momo making the library her new spot could make perfect sense because it would be the last place Nayeon would look. Except, I think that Momo chose the library because it reminds her of the safe feeling she had while reading the crime mystery novels with Nayeon. It’s because of the days spent reading that she came to see a brighter side of Nayeon, so she can’t easily throw that away. Think of it as Momo trying to appease the side of her that wants to be with Nayeon. Like how she walked Nayeon home even though it ends with Momo asking if Nayeon wants to her to forget they ever met (Nayeon agreeing and Momo walking away).

We get to see Momo make it crystal clear that Nayeon can’t keep saying that she doesn’t want to be around her but then come back a few days later. It goes back to Momo requesting Nayeon show her something real. She wants Nayeon to use her words and mean them. On the other hand, Nayeon has spent the last 10 years learning how to lie in order to keep people away from her. It marks the first time that Momo begs her to say what she really wants, and Nayeon not doing it out of being self-conditioned to say otherwise.

Instead she tries again at Momo’s house because her need to be with Momo has now exceeded any need to be the self-proclaiming loner bitch that she use to be.

She finds Momo in her brooding position (arms wrapped around knees- Also real life’s Nayeons iconic picture taking pose but that’s irrelevant here). It’s the first time that Nayeon gets to see the result of her actions. Nayeon made herself believe that Momo was more put together just because she had never seen her crumble before. A reaction bad enough that Momo had missed group session previously.

We see Nayeon finally come to terms with the fact that she can’t say things she doesn’t mean. When she is indecisive with her words or says things she doesn’t mean- it’s like a reminder of the games she used to play on people in the past.

We get our glimpse at Momo’s fragile state from how desperate she is for normality. You can also say that Nayeon misinterprets it for wanting normality in their relationship when Momo means it in general. Thinking that she needs someone close when in reality Momo could mean having the ability to make friendships/acquaintances and watch them end (or leave) naturally without experiencing extreme bouts of self-loathing.

If there is any evidence that Nayeon just wants to be friends, it certainly doesn’t show in the fact that she thinks about when they had sex. A lot. (But of course, she’s trying to be a better person in her own way.)

Normality leads them to a coffee shop where they try to act like they’re completely normal people. Except they aren’t.

This was one of those times that I had to silently cheer for Momo because she’s getting more comfortable asking questions without fearing that Nayeon will walk straight out the door. It’s also a testimony to how serious Nayeon is about this when she instantly declines the idea of going back to how things were before the whole ‘we kinda fucked and liked it oops?’.

It is also easy to understand how Nayeon can get so wrapped up on the ‘just friends’ thing when she is gaging Momo’s reaction to her claiming there wouldn’t be baggage and messing around. Seeing as Momo agrees, specifically saying that “This is what I want” creates a moral compass for Nayeon to make sure that she gets what she wants.

Reading becomes their common ground for spending time with each other without having to worry about overstepping boundaries. It’s only natural that now Nayeon has to get the best mystery book she can find for Momo and pretend that she has no idea what its about so she can see her get excited. Why stop with books when she can also get her the best new pair of boots she can find because believe it or not footwear is very important when it comes to soccer. (Believe me ive played in worn out cleats, that shit can destroy your feet.) (Also its totally because she wants to make Momo happy anyway she can now.)

Their relationship is awkward at best, but if this ‘friendship’ was portrayed as smooth sailing I would call bs. Ultimately, Stormy made good writing decisions when it came to showing that they can be friends while also reminding the readers that honestly their feelings for each other are founded on a need to be around each other and finding a way to be good enough to be with said person. The pacing is also just right. It’s not fast enough that it feels like important details are being left out, mentioning’s of their relationship not being in the ‘correct’ order as a ‘normal’ relationship.

It is also not slow enough that you start to feel frustrated that they aren’t together yet. Because from the start of this chapter there has always been a romantic tension of “When will they…”. For a 2 chapter fic, with the first kiss happening at the end of the first chapter, it feels surprisingly like a slow burn relationship but without the dreadfully slow pacing and the multichapters of them brooding over not being together.

Because Momo is not use to people doing good deeds for her, she has a hard time swallowing the fact that Nayeon is willing to pay for such an expensive item that she, herself, won’t actually be using. We get a taste of what Momo is like when she has shut down mentally when not even Nayeon can reach her until they are alone.

While reading this, I began to think that Momo was going to actively decide to protest against the top of the line shoes (maybe go for lower quality, thinking as Momo- I would think that I deserved those more) but was pleasantly surprised by the rush of emotion that Momo shows her. It felt very natural in how awkward it initially feels but how genuine a moment it grows to become. Nayeon may blow it off as no big deal, but it is a very big deal to Momo. She might not understand it then, but she will eventually.

We get our first Jeongyeon appearance of the chapter. In my last part, I initially discussed how I wasn’t sure of her stance in what her motives were. True to my word, I gotta update it because I’ve settled for the fact that Jeongyeon doesn’t have any malicious plans If anything, it’s because of how rightfully cautious she is of Nayeon. Jeongyeon brings up an incident that happened before Nayeon came into the picture, an incident that made Jeongyeon care about her much later on but ill mention it now.

I don’t know what that incident was but we can guess that because Momo’s therapist is Jeongyeons sister- that Jeongyeon is responsible for her going to therapy (much like Nayeon indirectly brings up the fact that Jeongyeon probably brought up her issues to JYP to use to get her into therapy too). Meaning, the incident happened two years ago. Or Jeongyeon only just convinced her to go to therapy two years ago. Honestly we just don’t know enough for a concrete theory, just a suspicion.

Either way we see how cautious she is talking to Momo because she has seen her at her lowest and doesn’t want to see her that way again. Because of how much of a broken state Nayeon got her in, it’s only human that she believes that Nayeon is trying to do the same thing to Momo. She doesn’t know the amount of time they’ve spent together or the long monologues they’ve dedicated to each other in their thoughts. Dramatic irony is a bitch.

Then again, Nayeon doesn’t know about the situation that Jeongyeon has been in, or that it’s a thing at all. Both sides are kept in the dark when it comes to how much the other thinks the other knows about Momo.

Something that peaked my interest about the whole ‘being nice is weird’ scene for Nayeon is that she assumes Momo is being cautious because of her potentially fucking up. She doesn’t take into account that maybe Momo is being cautious because she’s worried that Nayeon might come to her senses and leave. After all, she still isn’t in a state of mind that believes she’s worthy of having people be kind to her so she keeps her guard up.

For all that they have learned about each other, they are still stuck on the ‘me’ factor of their issues. Progress is progress though, as Seungyeon would say. They can now be more like themselves without worrying that the other will misinterpreted it.

Nayeon is now moving towards treating Momo the opposite of how she treated Jihyo and Jeongyeon. She wants to avoid fucking up her head and keep her from overthinking things until she is running herself ragged from self-loathing. Of course she still has a ways to go before she has shed that skin of hers because she still gives Momo a fight for wanting to run even after practicing for 2 hours. Saving the last bit of snark for when Momo can’t hear her because Nayeon is too aware of how much she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.

It shows that Momo can’t mentally handle confrontation when she jumps to the conclusion that there would be no way Nayeon would wait for her after snapping at her. Its gut-wrenching to know how relieved and surprised she is despite the fact that Nayeon took her stuff.

(For any Fool’s Gold readers- ‘Forgetting something?’ is a callback)

If there is one thing Stormy doesn’t want us to forget, it’s that Momo is Nayeon’s relief when her emotions threaten to topple the surface. Her relationship with her mother is put as a comparison to a loving mother taking care of her child after he slips in the rain. It something that she didn’t have, a kind, caring mother. Instead of relying on an unhealthy habit, she picks up her order and cookie and goes to Momo.

It’s also noticeable that Nayeon waits for a good opportunity to reveal the cookie because she is purposefully trying to catch Momo off-guard in the best way as much as she can now.

As a reader, it’s a good suggestion that they come up with healthy ways to get them back on the healthy, non-destructive mindset. Although they never disclose what Nayeon’s solution would be, we know that the solution is her going to Momo because she never wants her to see her using bad coping mechanisms again.

Because Momo had to carry Nayeon into both her, and Nayeons house, she never got to be properly invited in. It’s hidden symbolism for the fact that Nayeon never invited her into her life. She just showed up and became a crutch for her.

When Momo is asking if she wants to come in, it feels like it’s a request for Nayeon to get closer to her.

Momo’s house is disorganized without any sense of being a family home. Nayeon acknowledges that her house shares a similar lonely feeling except her house is spotless and clean, like nobody has properly lived there yet. A key difference is that Momo has drawings and markers all over the place, showing the kid side in her in contrast to Nayeon’s museum like mansion.

The roof scene is held as one of my top 5 memorable scenes of the chapter, it lets us see the serious damage that Momo’s past has caused her. Although it’s never specifically said, Momo hints about her contemplations of suicide because a journey in the stars sounds more inviting than living in a world where her parents are no where to be found. Nayeon actively tries to swat down those thoughts. In her current state, I don’t think she can mentally handle the idea of Momo no longer being around. If I were to guess, I would say that the importance of Momo being in her life is now approaching the importance of her dad still being around.

If theres anything to say about Nayeon’s possessive feelings about Momo, it’s that she doesn’t want to watch anyone get close to Momo who might be a threat. I think at this point, anyone who isn’t her is a threat. She’s become hypersensitive to what being a user means and has become protective that Momo will never experience that. It’s also a good excuse to cover up the fact that she has a jealous streak.

Stormy gives a nice little throwback to Nayeon’s first time getting Dahyun to reveal Momo’s hiding spot with a date with Sana. Good on you Stormy. Of course Sana is delighted, I can’t help but hope we see this relationship get more fleshed out because of how frequently it gets brought up. Does Sana sleep around to make up for the fact that she can’t get Dahyun the way she wants? Does she even fancy Dahyun at all or is it just a game? We already know Dahyun has a thing for her so this subplot has substance.

Whether it was because of Momo’s comment about not paying attention because she was waiting for Nayeon, or the fact she was in a good mood- she decides that if Momo thinks she needs to run then she should do it too. It again plays into the factor that Nayeon is actively trying to make Momo feel good like happy good, the way she deserves. It’s hard to recall just how terrible of a person she was before she became serious about Momo.

She hasn’t changed, she has just now started to let the other side of her show. While that doesn’t excuse the wrongs that she has done, it doesn’t mark out the good that is still buried deep inside her.

The last scene focused on in this part revolves around the same location that was used in the last chapter. Last chapter, the hill overlooking the city became a place where Nayeon allowed herself to feel, even if it was only for a few minutes with the help of Momo. Instead of it becoming a place of fond memories, it’s now a spot that requires Nayeon to try to not act weird about the fact that Momo fucked her at that same location.

It’s also an intriguing detail thrown in that Momo really can recall every part of that experience as she mentions wanting to pet the golden retriever they saw while doing it. It really does contrast with how down Momo can get because of small moments.

If you thought this part was worth your time (I doubt it) just wait for next part~~

#namo #gold dust #I write a lot and im so so sorry

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thisselflovecamebacktome · 7 years

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Things I wish you understood - Part six out of God knows how many.

I wish you understood that I can honestly say that I feel like I’m never going to be enough. More so, I wish you understood that the scariest day of my life was the one I realised I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I was enough. And I know so many people would laugh at this and say that it’s all horseshit because I don’t give a shit what strangers think of me, and they’d be right. But just because I don’t care what strangers think anymore, doesn’t mean I can say the same for people I love. Because here’s the thing, I’ve never been secure enough to feel like the people who I love around me see me as enough, and that kills me.

Growing up, I was a bigger child who loved her food, and while I rarely felt bullied by my peers, my family never let me forget. I wan’t old enough to understand the situation at the time, but I still remember the time my grandfather, the one who everyone claimed made it clear that I was his favourite, called me garbage guts in front of my whole extended family, most of which laughed at the comment. My grandmother was the only one to call him out on it, causing an argument over whether it was a joke or not. Similarly, I just always felt my family always found me too loud, moody and just plain different from them.

Well, except for my dad (with the exception of moody), another man who said I was his favourite, but anyone who has known him long enough will tell you that his number one will always be himself and he’s willing to chuck anything, including his favourite things, away if need be for self gain. I learned that the hard way last year when he cut contact for no particular reason only to pick up contact when it suited him... months after he contacted my half brother who isn’t his and my sister who abused him and the rest of the family. And I want to make it clear that I have no beef with him having contacted my half brother, they were always the most alike so it made sense. But to contact me after my sister who abused us all? That stung.

My mum was different too. Like she would never openly say I was too anything, but whether intended or not, she’d have the same effect with the comparisons she’d make. Growing up just felt like a competition between me and my siblings with her as the judge. And don’t get me wrong, I know for a fact that my sister felt the same way, but it still felt personal. Because here’s the thing, when compared to my siblings, my strengths were things they could achieve given the effort was put in (school grades being the major one) while their strengths were personality traits and interests that contradict who I am as a person. I mean my half brother is just always going to be her baby despite being the oldest due to her quoting him as the thing that saved her from post pregnancy depression, so we’ll leave him out of the equation for now. My sister was outgoing, impulsive and loved cooking, shopping, dancing and the same music as my mother which made it really easy for them to spend time together. Meanwhile I liked different music and reading and writing, two things my mother hates, so I often got the ‘I wish you were more like your sister’ line.

And that alone would have been okay because like I could have been okay with knowing my mother was proud of my academics. But here’s the thing, I was never quite the best, even when I had straight As. Like depending on who I had in my classes, I would sometimes top some of the academic ones, but typically there was one girl in particular who would top everything, and she was the one my mum would compare me to academically. Now I want to say that I have absolutely nothing against this girl. She has earned every A she ever got. But I’d be lying if I said we were really ever on equal footing. This girl openly admitted to me that she had a really good family life, relatively good mental health and was wealthy with good contacts, none of which I have been blessed with at this point. And trust me, I get that these things don’t guarantee success, but anyone who tells you they don’t help is full of shit to be honest. Regardless though, I don’t think my mum really understood until recently what a difference it can make.

As well as this, in the last two years she’s also compared me a lot to my dad, probably because I look just like him. For those who don’t know, she hates everything to do with my dad. And honestly? Every word of that translates when she’s talking to me. The tone, the words. literally everything she says to me is just so different than when she talks to my half brother who looks like her. I don’t doubt she’d deny that it’s the similarities between my dad and I, especially looks wise, that has caused a lot of the furthering of the rift between us in a time where we should be at our closest, but it definitely feels like that on this end and probably always will.

Unfortunately for me, every one of these little instances and more stuck, and looking back, I’ve see how it bled into other aspects of my life. For a lot of my childhood, I somehow formed a superiority yet inferiority complex. I’m not really sure how to explain it, but I was insecure as fuck and yet I somehow felt that my academic grades made me superior because I was going to have a “better” life than those who didn’t stack up in that regard. Thankfully I took my head out of my ass at some point and realised I was being a prick, but it does mean I placed a lot of self worth on being “smart”, which was all well and good until I was placed in a bell curve system school at my worst mental illness wise and realised just how average at best I was. Honestly though, it hadn’t set in just how much this has affected me in the long run until a few weeks ago when that same girl from above got her bachelors in a single degree. Like I haven’t seen this girl for literal years, am doing a double degree course in two fields that are seen as more academic than the one she did (which I once again stress doesn’t make me better, but considering how much worth I have put on academics in the past logically should have made be feel better) and yet I felt so low knowing I’m only half way through my course and she’s ready to take on the world because I grew up putting so much emphasis on academics and keeping up with people like her that even the thought of not fucks me up emotionally. And once again, I would like to push that this has nothing to do with her, she has done nothing wrong, my thoughts have just been that severely skewed and I need to find a way to fix it.

Along with the push on academics, I’ve realised just how not feeling like enough has made me unhealthily insecure, jealous and clingy. These are all things I’ve worked on and can honestly say I’ve gotten better at with time, but I’ve still got a long way to go. They are also things I didn’t perfect early enough, and as a result, people got hurt. To be honest, there’s one person in particular I think about when I think of this, and while I won’t pretend all the fault was on me in that situation, my insecurity and perhaps clingy nature made me act in ways that were so out of line. I said things I perhaps shouldn’t have and made a lot of people think I don’t/didn’t like her, when really I was just hurt and lashed out. All because they broke off a friendship without saying goodbye. Similarly, I’ve also nearly broken friendships by being clingy, jealous and expecting to be certain people’s number one priority at all times.

But I think the most damaging area is the fact that I’ve become so insecure over losing people that I’ve psychologically forced myself to hold onto and be close to people, memories and things that I shouldn’t. Some people see it as being like the glue that holds everything together, but really it’s not. If anything, it’s like being blue tack. You hold everything together to an extent, but eventually you wear down or the things you’re holding onto get torn away from you, and when they do, they take a piece of you with them. And then one day you wake up and realise there’s close to nothing of you left and nothing or no one to show for it. But instead of stopping to find strengths in what I have left or making myself bigger by finding new parts of myself, I just cling onto the same things over and over in the same vicious cycle hoping they won’t take anymore of me even though I know they will.

And that’s the hardest part. Because time and time again I’ve had friends tell me that I need to let go or it’s all going to kill me, but I haven’t listened. I can’t. Because the truth of the matter is that while I’m scared that I’m not enough for those I love, I know I’m not enough for myself and I don’t know how to fix that and until I do, I can’t be alone, because that will kill me faster than holding on ever could.

#things i wish people understood #about me

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