#like i've literally never done anything else ever. and i KNOW that's the reason bc i only started getting blocked by folks after i changed- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itsbeeble · 7 months

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I saw your post about having Bang Chan brain rot and honestly, same. He has filled every waking thought I've had for the last year and I'm big mad over it.

So my fic rec is a little angsty/suggestive with him being as obsessed with y/n as we all are with him. Like, he's angry that he can't focus on work because he's too busy thinking about them but can't have them for whatever reason. All the features he possesses that we love that he can't see in himself are exactly what draws him to y/n. (I feel like crushing on Chan is an exercise in learning to love yourself, and that's a lesson he needs to learn as well).

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS TO ME I LITERALLY FELL TO THE FLOOR WHEN I FIRST SAW IT (that first statement is so real actually)

OBSESSIVE

Summary: Chan has always been obsessed with you, but he's been too afraid to act on it until now.

Genre: Angst, fluff

Pairing: bestfriend!Bang Chan x (implied)fem!reader

Warnings: a little angsty but mostly fluff, hurt/comfort, suggestive, some uhhh sexual themes but there's no actual smut or anything, small make out scene teehee, swearing, insecurities briefly mentioned, I think that's it

WC: 2462

18+ MDNI, AGELESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED

A/N: guys look it didn't take me 10 years to post! Also i'm gonna add to my masterlist a "Brainrot" section bc i'm not officially gonna write for certain groups but fuck do i get brainrot

Chan is restless in his studio, staring at the walls in front of him unable to focus. He can’t get his brain to work, to think, to do something.

It’s your fault. He knows it’s your fault, but he can’t figure out why. Had you said something to him? Had you done something?

No. The answer is no, you hadn’t done anything to him. At least not technically.

In fact, it’s more him that's the problem.

It’s almost unhealthy the way he’s obsessed with you. Unhealthy and almost annoying considering that you hardly ever give him the light of day.

Chan adores you. Adores the way you don’t care about what anyone else thinks of you, the way you laugh too loudly, the way your nose crinkles when you smile, and the way you can hold conversations so easily. He adores the way you never seem to care about looking put together, dressing in whatever you find comfortable that day, and somehow still looking beautiful.

He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this way about anyone before. He hates the swirling in his stomach, the way his heart beats faster, and the way he can always tell when you’re close to him whether you want him to know or not. Chan can always tell from the smell of your perfume, that sweet, subtle scent you’ve worn since the day you met him in your days as trainees.

These emotions…he shouldn’t be feeling them. Not about you, his best friend. His confidant. The one person he can trust to always be there for him, for everything. He’s tried so hard to will these emotions away, to force himself to like other people. He’s tried hookups, blind dates, dating apps. He’s tried imagining it was his grandmother instead of you whenever his thoughts dive into dangerous territory.

And no, the grandmother thoughts didn’t work. His thoughts kept returning to you, how you would look under him. How you would look with your hair splayed out, your hand cupping his cheeks, and your lips sending him the sweet smile that you seem to reserve for him.

Fuck, he’s doing it again.

Chan takes a deep breath, sipping at the day-old water and grimacing at the stale taste in his mouth. His computer screen is still blank, the screen off from the time he’s spent staring into space and thinking of you.

A knock on the door and then you’re slipping in quietly with a plastic go-cup filled with iced coffee.

“Hey.”

Your greeting is simple, but you flash that smile and Chan’s heart starts doing flips. He hates it. He hates that you make him feel this way, hates that he gets nervous whenever you’re around.

He feels you at his side, your arm on the back of his chair, fingertips brushing against his shoulder and sending jolts of electricity down his spine. He turns his head, angling his neck to look up at you.

You with your calm eyes, with your gentle brushes against his skin, and the way you somehow soothe the storm that you caused inside of him.

The cup in your hand is angled toward him, and he shakes his head.

“You shouldn’t be drinking that, you know,” it’s almost instinctive how he scolds you, a frown on his face when you just roll your eyes and pull the cup away from him. “Especially right now. You should be asleep, Y/N.”

“So should you,” you hum, rolling your shoulders back and wincing when something cracks.

“I’m working.” He nods his head at the computer, and you raise an eyebrow at the black screen.

“I can see that. Working very hard, just like you always are.”

Your hand raises to his head, ruffling the soft strands of hair. Chan clicks his tongue and pulls away from you. Your hand drops down to your side, and your small drops slightly. Barely noticeable, but enough for Chan to feel a pang in his chest. He rolls his chair back slightly, spinning it to face you. You pull a chair up, sitting directly across from him, and delicately place your coffee in an empty space on his crowded desk.

Chan feels your knees brush against his, and heat scorches his body again. Why do you do this to him? Is it on purpose? Do you know he loves you more than a best friend should?

“Are you okay, Channie?” You lean toward him, the open part of your button-down shirt dipping to expose more skin. You would think he’s never been around a woman before.

He clears his throat, tries to look at you, and then clears his throat again. You’re biting at your lip now your eyebrows furrowed together in thought.

He leans away from you when you lean toward him. Your knees are between his thighs now, unbeknownst to you but he is all too aware of it. You rise from your chair, coming closer to him and standing between his legs. One of his hands twitches, fighting to raise just a little bit to touch the side of your leg.

“You seem a little feverish,” your hand is cold against his skin, and he almost chokes on the air he’d been struggling to inhale without the sweet scent of you overpowering his lungs and making him do unthinkable things. Your lips are twisted into a pout, your hand moving to his forehead and then his cheek.

It takes Chan a moment to realize that he’s grabbed your wrist.

It takes another moment for him to realize that his lips are against the back of your hand.

Another moment and you haven’t pushed him away. Is it shock? Are you too disgusted to do anything? Fuck, why did he have to do that?

“Y/N—” he’s stumbling over his words, trying to grasp any thought that runs through his brain. An apology, hopefully. “I’m so— I didn’t mean—”

Your lips are on his before he can say another word. It was a quick, fleeting kiss. Heat of the moment, maybe.

You pull back, just far enough to look him in the eyes.

Chan opens his mouth, ready to speak again.

The door slams shut. The space you stood in is empty. Chan’s heart sinks to his stomach, his skin still warm where you touched him.

“Fuck”

It’s three days before Chan hears from or sees you. Three days of absolute radio silence. No one forcing him to stop working, to look away from the screen and lay on the couch for a while. No wild laughter, random coffee dates. Nothing, and he knows why.

He knows you’ve been avoiding him. It’s not that difficult to figure it out. Whatever happened that night…it scared both of you. What frustrates him isn’t the subtle rejection. No, he could never be mad at you for that. He loves you too much to be angry about that.

No, he’s mad about the fact that you’re running from this. You who regularly gets into heated arguments with the staff when they’re working him and the other members too hard. You who always accepts when you’re in the wrong, actively seeking a solution. You who has never had problems with communicating your emotions. He’s angry that the one time he needs you to communicate with him, you disappear. Now, after three days of you avoiding him, he isn’t quite sure he wants to see you anymore. He wouldn’t have minded if you told him you hated him for what happened.

Radio silence is…quite possibly the last thing he expected.

A knock on his door jolts him out of his thoughts. Three raps, then two, and the door opens. He knows it’s you by the shuffling of your feet against the ground and the sound of ice against plastic. You come to stand near him. Not next to him, no, it’s like you can sense the anger in him.

Or you can hear the angry typing.

“What are you working on?” Your voice is quiet, so quiet that he almost doesn’t catch it.

He doesn’t respond, at least not at first. The typing doesn’t slow, and he hears a small exhale from you.

“Chan?” Your hand comes to rest on his shoulder and the typing stops. You drop your hand to your side, biting your tongue and forcing the tears back. “Channie, can you please talk to me?” He turns to look at you, trying to hold back all of the emotions he’s been feeling these past three days.

“About what?” He plays dumb. Maybe if he acts like nothing happened, you’ll just drop it and you can start avoiding each other and he can move on from you.

“About…about what happened.” Your voice shakes, and he almost feels bad.

Scratch that, he does feel bad.

“I don’t think there’s much to talk about.” Chan dismisses, “You made it clear how you feel and that’s fine. We can forget about it.” He avoids your gaze now, but he hears a sniffle coming from you. Hears a sob that you made a poor attempt at concealing. He looks at you again, and your hand is over your mouth while you try to calm yourself. He bites the side of his tongue, closing his eyes and exhaling heavily.

“Come here,” he raises his hand and lazily beckons you over to him. You don’t move at first, still focused on calming yourself. “Y/N, come here.”

Your steps are slow, almost nervous about approaching him, and suddenly all the anger is washed away from Chan’s body. All he can think about is the fact that he’s made you cry, made you upset, and he wants to fix it.

“Why are you crying, pretty?” You’re standing in front of him, all too similarly to three days ago. Your cup has been placed to the side again, next to his keyboard, and your hands are in his.

“I feel like…” your voice is thick with emotion, tears rolling down your cheeks that Chan wants nothing more than to kiss away. “I feel like I messed everything up.”

“How could you possibly think that?” Your best friend frowns.

“I— I kissed you.” Your sentences are stuttered. “I fe—feel like I me—messed everyth—everything up. You— You’re my bes—best friend, Channie.”

“Look at me,” he holds his hand to your chin, tilting your head to look down at him. “You did nothing wrong. In case you forgot, I kissed you first.”

“But that was diffe—different!” You cry, yanking your hands out of his grip and turning your back on him. Chan rises from his chair, carefully watching your movements. “I kissed you!”

He’s curious now. “Do you think I hate you because of that?”

You turn around, and a gasp escapes you. He’s only a few inches from you, his breath kissing your cheeks. You can see a dark tinge on his tanned skin. Was he blushing? Was he mad?

“I— I mean—” Chan steps toward you again, practically backing you into the wall.

“Because you’d be wrong,” he continues. “In fact, it’s probably made me even worse.”

What? “Chan— what does that—”

“I’ve been obsessed with you from the day that I met you, Y/N.” Here goes nothing. Chan takes a deep breath before continuing. “Everything you do, everything you say. I’m addicted to you. You know, I couldn’t tell at first if I envied you. It was the way you carried yourself, the confidence you had in every little thing. The way you fought so hard for the things that you loved and the people you cared about. I thought I envied the way you could laugh as loud as you wanted without fearing what other people thought of you.”

You’re against the wall now, but he hasn’t caged you in. No, he leaves you room to escape should you so choose. Your tears have stopped and Chan reaches up to cup your cheeks, wiping away the streaks that were left.

“I was wrong.” His voice is so quiet, so much quieter than he probably intended it to be, but it has a zoo erupting in your stomach. “It wasn’t envy.”

“Then what was it?” Your voice matches his in volume, your eyes flicking from his lips and back up to meet his gaze. He takes a deep breath, relishing in the feeling of your cold hands twisting into the fabric of his shirt, your knuckles brushing against the skin of his stomach. “Channie?”

The way you said his name should’ve been innocent. It should have just grabbed his attention, snapped him out of the spell you’ve cast on him.

The air is knocked out of your chest at the first touch of his lips on yours. It isn’t rough, not by any means.

His lips move smoothly against yours, slow and sure of every move he wants to make as if he’s always going to be two steps ahead of you. One of his hands slides down to cup the back of your head, right at the base to allow him to angle your head and pull your body closer to his. Your hands have tightened into his cotton t-shirt, holding so tightly you’re positive the fabric has stretched.

Your chest is on fire, whether from lack of breath or the emotions running through you like wildfire, you aren’t sure, but you don’t want to stop. You can’t stop. Not when he tastes so good, not when he’s kissing you like there’s nothing else he’d rather be doing.

A whine escapes you, and you feel his body go rigid. His lips stop moving, and he pulls back from you. You see his chest stuttering as he tries to stop himself from taking deep breaths. He doesn’t say anything, and neither do you for a long time.

You don’t have to, though. The drawings he traces into your hip with his finger and the hazy, starstruck look in his eye says enough.

His eyes meet yours when you clear your throat to get his attention.

“So,” your voice is slightly hoarse but you can’t find yourself caring. Not in front of Chan. “You never answered my question.” He bends down, his lips lightly pressing into the skin of your neck. Your breathing hitches, and you feel him smile against you.

“What question was that?” He asks, and his voice is right in your ear, and you can’t help but pull him closer to you.

“What was it that you felt?”

He just laughs against you, finally taking his hand out of your hair.

“You know what it was, pretty. Don’t pretend.”

You smile, your arm coming to wrap around the back of his neck.

Love. It was love, and you knew it the whole time.

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stateswscarlet · 6 months

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i want to manifest my desired face whenever i dont see a movement i go crazy and the cycle starts again, i just wanna get my df but im tired of this cycle i always go back and nothing happens, i feel like all that thing is waste of time but at the same time ik its true cuz i've manifested a lot of things. but whenever it comes to my df i cant stop wanting it and after fulfilling myself i feel like it's done, but after 10 mins it happens again. i start to get mad at 3d again and its just so .. i cried becaus i want my df and 3d makes me crazy. i feel like nothing happens im so desperate i dont wanna read 823823 loa posts anymore i just want to be pretty as like others. i hate that feeling of 'trying so hard' hope u answer

this genuinely makes my heart hurt :(

this is what i told another anon:

“unrelated, idk what youre desiring to change about your face but make sure you’re approaching it from love and not hating/disliking your current self. it makes me so sad whenever people tell me theyre manifesting a whole new face thinking itll make them happy, prettier, attention from people, etc and it wont at all. changes starts within and you are more than worthy of being just the way you are and treating yourself with love and compassion.”

please understand that “getting” a physical change will never ever ever ever take away your insecurities or make you happier, fulfilled, nor will it make you feel pretty from the inside. literally look at all the supermodels and stars who are drop dead gorgeous who we pine after who are incredibly insecure and are constantly hyperaware of their insecurities and flaws.

PLEASE i beg you the best thing you can do for yourself is practice self love RIGHT NOW the way you are. stop waiting for some ideal face before you chose to love yourself, as that day will never come. you will find more and more reasons to feel insecure and upset at the 3D and be running in an endless cycle “manifesting” things to change but you’ll never be satisfied.

you need to remove your dependence from the 3D/outer world by understanding it can never give you anything. go within and instead of focusing so much on your face changing focus instead on the feelings of being secure, safe, etc regardless. stop chasing shallow things like pretty privilege and attention and anything else you THINK your df will give you (spoiler: it wont give you any of that).

coming from someone who isn’t conventionally attractive and used to hate herself and her looks, it is SO important to love yourself and accept yourself the way you are first before expecting others to do that. i learned to love myself exactly the way i am. my inner shift changed my attitude and how i viewed myself which led to others reflecting that. i started getting attention, pretty privilege, etc (which now i know are just shallow things) without a single physical change.

i really hope you understand where im coming from anon. its not that you cant have your df, but if youre unable to love yourself right now you wont be able to love yourself with your df bc youll find a million other reasons not to. once you remove this from the pedestal you have it on (thinking itll make you pretty, etc) it will be much easier to focus on the feelings of security and anything else you desire.

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sevlawless · 1 year

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okay so the n route has been bothering me ever since i played it and i needed to air my frustrations out as a way to cope i suppose

for reference my main detective who i use for n is felicity, but sometimes i also use arabella to test out some options i wouldn't normally pick and just to see how the romance works with a detective that isn't exactly that compatible with n. so when i first played, i used felicity and then later on when i was doing a deep dive into the romance and the plot, i was using arabella just to see if certain things held up yk! and lord how i wish it did LMFAO

just a little disclaimer that this is all just my opinion and i'm willing to listen to other points of view about this! and i do not mean any of what i say as a dig or to be hateful toward n, they are my favorite li in twc and the fact that i love their romance and their character so much is probably most if not all of the reason why their route in book 3 was so weird to me, and why i make the critiques that i do.

under the cut because this is a doozy and also book 3 spoilers

first of all the main thing in the demo chapters is that n gets mad if you try and fight the trappers bc they are so scared of losing you and like i GUESS i get it but this is literally our life now you're just gonna have to get used to it. and this wouldn't have even been an big issue for me if it was properly addressed! when i played using arabella i tried being mad, i tried staying mad, and it kept getting swept under the rug by the plot. like are we seriously not going to talk about this??? at all?????? and it seems very ooc for n NOT to say anything about it when you get a moment alone because why would they not address it, ESPECIALLY if your mc was still upset over it. AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE- these things need to be discussed in order to grow as a couple and there needs to be healthy communication or else this is not going to work. like you're telling me we were living with unit bravo for WEEKS and this shit just never got brought up again?

this also ties into my next gripe- n's backstory. so, if you snooped in the demo they won't tell you anything, which okay. mc shouldn't have done that, sure, but n doesn't even give a reason as to why they're upset by that. obviously you can be like "well i think anyone would be upset if you delved into their past without their knowledge or permission" but YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON WHY IS THERE NO COMMUNICATION OF FEELINGS. i would have appreciated that scene a hell of a lot more if n sat you down and was like "i'm upset that you did this, here's why," but all they do is get sad and then that's it. when i played as arabella i had her snoop AND get upset over the argument during the trapper fight, and n said something along the lines of "i know sometimes we regret doing things" as a reference to snooping AND the argument which??? just does NOT hold up at all and had me irritated as hell.

if you didn't snoop in the demo, n takes you to their room and shows you a picture of their family and talks about them and how his brother joined the navy and didn't come back (their brother was killed by vampires) and that's why they decided to join the navy, as a way to try and figure out what actually happened. this scene started off great, but it's cut short way too quickly because n drops the photo and the frame breaks. and then they basically just shoo you out. there's really not any option to comfort them, and the option that is there is not good enough. and it's not that n had to tell us EVERYTHING in that one scene, but it's more so the fact that it NEVER gets brought up again. your mc can't take a moment to bring it up and n sure as hell doesn't say anything else about it. which is so ?????? im sorry you supposedly love this person (im saying this for both mc and n) and yet neither of you address it again??? it makes no sense at all.

onto the research/combat scene… i've done the combat scene once so i can't really speak on that as much as the research one so. most of the research scene is fine aside from the fact if you're not in a relationship (which i did for one playthrough with felicity) n brings up bobby if you dated them which felt so bizarre but anyways. the option to realize you love n… i would love this IF the option where you tell n you love them actually mattered. LMFAO if you tell n you love them they literally just stare at you and then the sex scene pops up. like are you kidding me??? n would not just leave you hanging like that even if it was just to say that they don't feel that way yet. and the sex scene itself is… fine i suppose but it doesn't feel as intimate as it should be. there's little to no dialogue and it just feels so weird to read. like why would neither of you be saying anything?? not to mention the fact that you're literally OUTSIDE of the warehouse where any of ub could see you at any point it just feels wrong to have sex at that point at least in my opinion. and the talk after feels so short and weird i feel like both the detective and n would have more to say. and that moment is quickly brushed away by the plot.

i guess the next plot line is whether u told tina or verda or nobody about the supernatural. going into book 3 this was probably what i looked forward to the most and ofc it barely delivered. i liked seeing tina and n interact but that quickly turned sour for me, not because tina started rightfully bringing up how much mc has been through, but because n really does not do anything with that pov being voiced to them, which is so fucking ooc it pains me. when they go to talk to mc after their conversation there's no discussion just "i wanted to see you" okay but WHY did you? i would have taken a li pov of what tina relayed to them literally anything! and it's just another thing that gets swept under the rug because of the stupid ass plot.

another thing about the dinner that gets lost in the plot of book 3: tina/verda bringing up your li possibly drinking your blood and mc can react a number of different ways and i wish it had been talked about more than just in that moment 😭

the only scene that i genuinely enjoyed in all of n's route was after that building caves in on mc and you're back at the warehouse traumatized and bruised and defeated. n runs you a bath and if you pick that option helps you out of your clothes and then helps you settle into bed. i wish there had been more discussion of anything in that scene but mc was so out of it i was okay with no talking. and then redacted petname <3 the other thing i was most looking forward to! one thing i did dislike about this scene though was that we didn't really get a glimpse on how n was feeling yk usually mishka offers the li's pov on a scene and not having that made that moment not feel as rounded out.

the pool scene… first of all why did n get this one. like it would have made sense for m, hell even a! and again the scene felt so shallow and then the option to have sex. you're telling me your first time with n can be on a fucking pool table???? that is so not their vibe AT ALL and it feels so weird to even have that there. it was unnecessary as well as the other opportunity to have sex and i feel like mishka just put them in there as like fan service when who (in my opinion) genuinely wants this if they romance n and have them as their main route. i had hoped the first time n and mc have the opportunity to have sex it would be a more intimate setting because that's more fitting for them and my nate mc, felicity. but nope! and then the scene gets cut short because n has to go on patrol??? and again the sex scene itself … neither of them feel personable it's like a "one size fits all" type of approach and that just does not work if this is supposed to be interactive fiction where we create a personality for our mc's that cannot fit this specific mold mishka wants to put everyone in.

being invited to what might as well just be a fucking slave trade (i have many thoughts about this auction plotline as well but for now im discussing n's route) had me so confused because why would mishka even do that and then n's comment about the stationary? i need you to be fucking for real. the scene before you leave for the mission with n just felt so weird like we get it n is protective of mc but at this point it just felt like a hinderance which sucks because one of the things i love most about n is their deep care for mc and they just sounded like a broken record and it annoyed me so bad.

after all that, the scene when you come back and n is in tears confessing their love for mc i wanted to enjoy it i really did and i just could not upon replaying because it feels so unbelievably hollow. we have not discussed anything pertaining our relationship and when there are things that need to be discussed they are so underwhelming it's hard to even care. there are a handful of things n and mc both need to work on in order for this relationship to work and the fact that they're not being addressed makes it difficult for me to enjoy anything about this route. you can't even tell n you love them back for fuck's sake like hello.

a theme that i did not think was going to be as prominent as it was in this book but n contemplating mc turning into a vampire and AGAIN there wasn't ever really a discussion about this between mc and n and i feel like this will come to a head as the books progress but i don't think it fit into book 3 considering so many other things were being thrown at us.

all in all i truly desperately wanted to enjoy book 3 and enjoy being with n but i cannot when there are so many things ignored, sidelined, or just completely forgotten in order to push the plot forward.

#n sewell #twc book 3 #twc book 3 spoilers #again this is in no way an attack on n i love them sm it's embarrassing at times #i just wanted better for their route and for this book and it sucks bc these are such minor tweaks in the grand scheme of things -#but when they pile up like this it becomes hard to ignore and just feels like the amount of discrepancies is overwhelming #it has been a horrible couple of days being natesewell . LMFAO #anyway if u made it this far thanks for reading <3 #i seriously was debating even making this post as well but my brain needed to do SOMETHING like #ugh .#twc is such a comfort to me and so is n it's just hard to not take this so hard #and i know that probably sounds ridiculous to say since this is literally just fiction #but yea !#feel free to send me asks/dms abt this i would love to discuss this more

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golbrocklovely · 3 months

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Have you seen the argument that SnC can't be pulling away from the fans on social media because their 'social media stars' and that their entire job is social media so they are required to give fans tweets and instagram posts etcetc?

My opinion is no they're not social media stars anymore, they are YOUTUBERS, Instagram, twitter, tiktok and snapchat are just extras that these days they could stop if they so wanted. Their job is to create youtube videos, everything else they give us is given to us by their choice, they don't have to do any of that. They could if they wanted just use their social media accounts to promote only their videos and merch and nothing else like a lot of other youtubers do. They CHOOSE not to because in the past they have enjoyed the social side of things, but with their fans being assholes they are allowed to pull away from socials as they are not social media stars, it is not required of their job anymore. They are YOUTUBERS.

What are your thoughts?

it is very funny to hear ppl say this, especially when for years i thought the general consensus was that snc need to take a break and they deserve one. but now… no one wants them to have one. how weird.

first off, the main problem with this argument is that fans expect something for staying so long when we've never been guaranteed anything. i've been here for years, i don't expect snc to do dick all except give me content occasionally that i enjoy and continue to post on xplrclub where i pay to be/get exclusive content. that's all i'm owed. anything else is an added bonus.

fans that think they are owed something just bc they bought the most amount of merch or have been here for years or whatever other reason need a reality check. you are mistaking a past time of yours as a job. you aren't getting paid to be here. you can leave whenever. if you are no longer entertained, go.

snc haven't been consistent posters in years. like, yeah, there was a period of time from like 2015-2017 when snc were constantly posting on insta or twitter or snapchat or youtube. but it has not been like that in a very long time. snc don't have to put in that kind of work bc they have blown up already and now it's quality over quantity.

the problem i have with all of this is that snc have made it abundantly clear why they have started pulling back. EVERYONE IN THIS FANDOM IS AN ASSHOLE. what's not to get??

colby can't read comments anymore and has admitted so, he gets emails and loses followers over him growing facial hair, has been picked apart for years over his choice in gfs, got a terrible death threat a couple years ago that made him basically leave twitter, has gotten constant and dumb hate on there for years, got made fun of for being "fat" when it really him being sick with undiagnosed cancer, literally questioned even telling the fandom he had cancer in the first place bc he knew how they would react if he went bald, plus a mirade of other shit i can't get into. and even sam, the miracle child who rarely has ever had to face consequence for anything he's done or said, is now saying that fans are mean and words can hurt. so you KNOW it has to be bad for him to say something.

and they both said that they put too much of their personal life out there for everyone to see and it wasn't good for them, that they regret doing that.

this fandom thinks it "can say whatever it wants" without snc seeing it. or at the very least, they don't care if snc see. and in what universe would the idol want to stick around when it's fans are shitting on it?? you tell me. they're pulling back bc you all fucking suck. and when they eventually remove themselves entirely bc you want to bitch about their gfs or their face puffing up or whatever random other nonsense you deem worthy of a tweet, i don't want to fucking hear a peep. shut up, for once.

(none of this directed at you anon)

#ask #personal #sam golbach #colby brock #sam and colby

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stoopid-turtle · 10 months

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BTS in Order Addendum 2

Second and final addendum for rn! This covers the translated bts clips for June that I found. Sadly, the playlist did not have July or Aug, so I can't go over those. If I ever do find July and Aug, I'll try to add it on.

As before, the timeline posts are already updated. I'm just highlighting some things here for those who don't want to hunt for the updates. Also, I tried to clean up some of the formatting but y'all, the formatting on Tumblr is just weird. I can't figure it out and I'm not gonna invest the time to do so, so I've done my best!

I can see where the WZC/GG pairing came from. GG and WZC seem quite close, often playful, and similarly physically affectionate to ggdd. Their dynamic is different, but I can def see how people could pull together a compilation of their bts clips for CPFs. (Not saying they were a real couple, like ggdd.)

Madam Jin did not seem to realize she was cast in a bl adaption.

There's much mentioned of dd's afterglow on 6.19 after the Dragon Boat Festival date, but I've never seen anyone mention that GG is also in a really great mood the next day. His first scene is in the forest with JC and JL, and he's all smiles and says, "I'm so happy this early morning. I really love my team."

JC says "Happy? What nonsense!" For some reason, this sets gg off on the giggles.

Needless to say, GG had his own afterglow.

Also on 6.19, there's this cute exchange between gg and the older lady producer (?), who is also from Chongqing:

Crewmember: So many beauties come from Chongqing. GG: I'm beautiful. Producer lady: More beautiful than me? GG: How can that be? Can't compare!

And then, a couple days later on 6.23, when dd is still gone, gg is in a hellishly rotten mood. He's visibly moody and unresponsive to xl and JC, both of whom try to cheer him up. At one point, he asks someone (his assistant?) if he has any crying scenes that day. And later he says, "Remember this feeling. After a month, when filming, definitely will..." I think he says something more to XL here, but I guess it was too quiet for the translator to hear. The implication to me is that he's gonna try to bring up the experience of his feelings in later scenes when WWX is having similar feelings.

Not everything with regards to the boys has to be about ggdd, so it's possible that gg's bad mood is bc of something else going on in his life. Family, friends, something with his company, politics, a stranger being a jerk, whatever. DD's one possibility among many. I did check out what dd was doing on 6.23 and 6.22, and he's on Produce 101, where he looks as DD (with a mullet) as ever. But there aren't any bts or unscripted clips of him where he might reveal a similar mood, so it's hard to say anything.

So basically, make of gg's bad mood what you will. It could be literally anything.

I need to talk about JC's fake butt

So the clip on 6.25, with JZX, Mianmian, dd, XL, and gg all chatting starts with them talking about JC wearing a "fake butt". I'm guessing butt padding? Some highlights:

DD is confused because he's "not even wearing jeans", to which gg asks if it makes sense to wear a fake butt in jeans.

The "reason" why JC wears this is apparently only known to XL and GG. XL refuses to explain.

GG says if she doesn't explain, dd will just walk up to JC and ask him, "JC, you wear a fake butt?"

Poor WZC did seem a bit put-upon on the set.

Also, unrelated, dd thinks sweat is sexy.

Also, the nasal spray that got passed around: looked sus, but not actually that sus. It's a Thai herbal nasal inhaler, which apparently looks a lot like people doing some uppers. (So much so that gg chastises the cameraman for filming it and XL turns her back to do it)

Also also, gg's rotten mood is gone. The clip on 6.23 of him being in a bad mood is only about 5 min long, and there's only a 45sec clip for 6.24. So basically, we have no idea what might have cheered him up and there are almost a full 2 days of stuff we know nothing about.

#bjyx #yizhan #the timeline of ggdd love yue #poor jc #but why the fake butt tho?

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leondxs · 3 months

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life/activity update! <3

I'll try to keep this semi short but tldr, I haven't been super active for a while for a multitude of reasons.

Despite breaking up with my ex last year, I unfortunately still live with him due to having no where else to go. We're civil but obviously it's super uncomfortable and enraging at times. (Not going to get into that tho I'd be ranting all night lmao) As weird as it is, I am grateful that he's let me stay for so long and didn't just kick me out.

BUT I am overjoyed to say that I will be able to move out potentially by the end of this month! I've been building a house for several years now and it is almost done. It's a cute little cabin in the woods not even five minutes from where both of my jobs are. It will be a literal dream come true for not only me but my pets as well.

I'm saying all this to let ya'll know that I am planning to become more consistently active once I move. I'm not on here much now mostly bc of working so much but also bc I am just so??? Mentally strained and foggy living with my ex. He drains me mentally and I've lost interest in 99% of my hobbies it feels like. I spend the majority of my time at home cleaning a house that is not mine and will never truly be clean or functional because he won't do anything. It is literally falling apart and he does not care. But I genuinely feel that once I'm out of here, I will have the mental clarity/desire to write and pursue my hobbies more often and consistently. This house is everything I've ever wanted and I feel that living in such an environment will do wonders for my mental health.

If you've read this far, thank you!! I tried to keep it short but ended up rambling and tbh that's not even all of it. This is really summarized lmao. I just wanted to update ya'll bc I feel like I've been so very distant the past few years. Not to get into it, but I have learned the hard way that being with the wrong person can ruin you without you even realizing. I am lucky that things have gone the way they did and that I didn't end up staying in the position I was in. I am already in so much better of a mental state that I ever have been.

This truly feels like the first step into the best part of my life and I am so eager to come back here and write with you all again!

#||❧ нανє уσυ н��αя∂ σƒ тнє нιgн єℓνєѕ? ;; ooc ☙||#life update

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evilwickedme · 1 year

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I'm only just getting into the comics and haven't read much yet, but is Pit Madness an actual thing in canon or just widespread fanon? Bc yeah, I don't like it either but there's so much of it I assumed it was rooted in the text

I've never seen it in a Jason comic, although I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge of his appearances (reminder that I'm doing my best, but I've only been reading DC comics for less than a year). I understand that it's mentioned in comics related to Ra's Al Ghul, but the Pit is used rarely both in and out of text and is one of those things that works however the writer wants it to work.

I can tell you that in the comics I've read that are pre-N52 Jason is extremely angry, but he's also calm and calculated about it, and in n52 comics that I've read he's extremely angry, but mostly reads as impulsive, not sadistic. I haven't gotten to post rebirth Jason comics yet except for a few panels here and there and the Robins: Being Robin comic which was pretty bad in general don't read it, but my impression is they haven't stopped trying to retcon him into "the angry robin" (which, uh, fuck that) but have leaned more into his emotional side as a core aspect of him in recent years, which I in general approve of. Either way, I have never seen a mention of pit rage, only of him being thrown in the Pit to heal his medically impossible walking coma (but this is comics and he gets healed by green goo, so let's not take medical accuracy too seriously).

I understand the appeal of pit madness in two ways: the first is that it makes for an easy motivator. You throw him in the pit, he gets Angry™, and you can use that to tell a pretty interesting story (Red Robin Hood likens it to an addiction, for example, which I found really interesting actually).

But the second is the one I suspect is more common. I think people are uncomfortable with liking a character who is genuinely unremorseful about killing. It directly negates their values. On the one hand, it's super badass when Jason throws that duffel bag of heads onto the table of drug lords in the beginning of under the red hood - on the other hand, gross, right? This is why so many pit rage stories focus on him "getting better". Whether that means being literally magically healed from the pit's effects or if that means learning that killing is wrong, actually, the pit's influence, by the end of the fic, is gone, and the batfam forgives him for all the murder because it wasn't REALLY Jason, it was the Pit!

But like... No it isn't? Like there is zero evidence of the Pit ever influencing any of Jason's actions. Like, if anything, one of my favorite things about UTRH as a story is the fact that Jason is calm, calculated, AND IN THE RIGHT. Not that Batman is necessarily wrong - I mean, I think his particular reasoning is stupid, it's not a fucking slippery slope for most of us, but I also think that murder is, you know, wrong. But Jason is also right - he came back to life to find that nothing had changed in the batfam and Gotham, or if it had, it had changed for the worse! The Joker has done nothing but become more and more threatening as a villain and Bruce has done nothing to amend his methods of dealing with the Joker at all.

Jason's solution is simple, elegant - kill the Joker, he can no longer hurt anyone else. And in a system like Gotham's where corruption makes both rehabilitation and straight up locking someone away for good impossibilities, the genuinely most logical solution is to kill the Joker. Not necessarily the most moral from your or my point of view. But one that makes sense when you look at it through Jason's eyes as a deeply traumatized victim.

I think that if the Pit really had influenced Jason, the best way to use it as a narrative device is as another source of trauma - something that I have seen extremely occasionally in fics. Not as something that influenced his actions, necessarily, but maybe as something that was forced upon him, a kind of loss of bodily autonomy.

But at the end of the day, most of the time the point of pit madness in Jason Todd/batfam fic is to excuse extreme abusive behavior and make it all okay in the end, and I think it's because so many of the people writing him don't understand why and how he uses extreme violence in the ways he does and who feel extremely uncomfortable being fans of someone who genuinely believes that some people deserve to die.

#jason todd #dc #dc meta #lazarus pit #pit madness #batman #bruce wayne #gail speaks #ask #anonymous #jason todd my beloved #jt

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moondragon618 · 8 months

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So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

#srry if I come across insensitively with my jokes and stuff btw #I'm not trying to be I just cope by making fun of how absurd the logic is now that I know it is lol #vent #tw abuse #tw suicide mention #tw victim blaming

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ifidiedinadream · 1 year

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What are your favourite things about Aleksi? 👀

uuuuhh dear get ready for an essay

it's most definitely a product of idealization but in my head it makes sense. it's gonna be kinda deep and personal and not just a list of features i deem attractive, more why he's attractive to me specifically. it's gonna be super cringe and maybe i'm simply too desperate and lonely and should download tinder again idk

to me aleksi seems sweet, kind and patient. i'm a pain in the ass to deal with when you get close but i think he'd be able to. i think he's self aware and sensitive, at least to some degree, or else he wouldn't be able to calm people down from anxiety/panic attacks. its extremely attractive to me because emotionally speaking i'm all over the place, whereas aleksi appears to be somewhat stable and emotionally mature. i like that he seems a pretty balanced person in a way, reserved just how i like, but not boring at all - in fact i like that despite all of this, even in his (at least apparent) calmness, he still takes risks (joins a band and we all know the circumstances, isn't afraid to play with his appearance and not fit in a box). i love how passionate ("nerdy") he is, he's witty and smart, yet he doesn't try to be the center of attention. i feel like his charm is very subtle, i didn't even notice him for the first two weeks i was into bc, too blinded by joel's inhumane beauty, but once i noticed him there was never a turning back. he's simply magnetic. ive never seen eyes like his before. his lips look incredible. his jawline is very sexy.

basically i think we'd be a good match. we're both on the introverted, private side - our character somehow matches, i think we're both the responsible, reliable ones, but also i think he'd be that "rock" (stability) i so desperately need in my life (listen, i'm 27, i've done many things in my life, most of them stupid, i have bpd and i'm tired. i really need calmness and serenity and that quiet happiness that only a healthy relationship could offer?? not that i've ever had anything like a healthy relationship idk). and the fact that i see an unknown intensity under that seraphic facade?? it keeps me obsessed because i feel that there's something underneath, yet aleksi never shows that side of himself to us (rightfully so, i appreciate it), so we can only imagine what it's like. i think it's what makes him so alluring to me. i wonder how intense he can be. how deep he can love. he never truly shows himself to us fully and what's more intriguing than that??

so i think it's a matter of contrasts. calm yet intense, self aware yet self conscious (HIS FUCKING POSTURE), handsome yet not loudly so (unlike, say, joel), passionate yet quiet, funny yet introverted, a rockstar yet very low-profile. soft and gentle but who knows what lies beneath??

i like joeleksi so much because i'm totally joel, literally like him only quieter on the outside, and i love writing aleksi being the only one able to make the sky in joel's mind clear up, halt the storm. i feel like he'd do that to me.

aleksi and joel are both my favorite but aleksi is a full blown crush and joel isn't, not really anymore at least. i'm attracted to joel for projection reasons mostly, im very interested in him from a psychological point of view, in him as a person and human being. i would never date him. i think we'd hurt each other a lot and as i said i crave serenity. aleksi on the other hand... in my head he's a perfect match for me. exactly what i want and need in a man and more

#answered

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hetakiba · 1 year

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characters: Griffith, Otacon from Metal Gear, Adam and/or Amanda from Saw

VERY THANKS, a lotta my favs here

Griffith!

Sexuality headcanon: Gay

Otp: Guts, obvi

Brotp: 🤔 swinging a bit, a friendship with him and farnese would be interesting 😂

Notp: Casca I suppose, but honestly I don't know that I see him being romantically/sexually involved with anyone other than Guts

First headcanon that pops into my head: I don't know if it's very unique or anything, but I think in any other time period/world he'd be mostly pretty normal, in regards to his pursuit for power and whatnot.

Favorite line: I don't know that I can think of any of the top of my head. His conversation with Guts after the ball maybe 🤔

One way I relate to the character: gosh 🤔 I suppose I can be pretty distant to strangers and also most people initially. I would absolutely never fall in love with someone like guts but I def would still be obsessed forever if I was in his position

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I don't know if embarrassment fits what negative emotions I ever feel for him

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?: 😏

Otacon!

Sexuality headcanon: hmm harder to say, but honestly 🤔 probably Gay

Otp: snake!! Obviously, one of my top otps of all time

Brotp: I guess sniper wolf? I'm not too familiar with their in game interactions but it's kinda a funny looking friend group 😂 Oh and his sister, if she counts. And I'd love a world where he gets to know his mother more, would definitely be interesting 😂

Notp: 🤔 I'm not suuuper diametrically opposed to most ships for otacon but I also wouldn't really read any of them 😂 I guess sniper wolf 👍 OH Naomi 🤢 their canon dynamic is so 😑😑

First headcanon that pops into my head: Um. Sits uncomfortably in any chair? Breaks his glasses a lot

Favorite line: 🤔 His monologue with snake at the end of mgs4 makes me cry everytime

One way I relate to the character: Super fixating nerd 👍 I've also considered career paths based on my favorite media 😂 he's probably the closest any of these characters get to me

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I mean I guess his first meeting with snake is pretty embarrassing but he honestly doesn't seem that embarrassed by it so 😂

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?:

Gotta be Cinnamon roll, anything approaching problematic he's done has be incidental/under duress, and I really admire his commitment to righting his wrongs. Also, he's just a nice guy

I'll do both bc saw

Adam:

Sexuality headcanon: Gay! Duh...

Otp: I guess Lawrence, it's similar to my opinion on my otp for amanda, I don't know that I'm necessarily convinced by it, but their canon relationship/dynamic is interesting enough that I'll still read about it

Brotp: Amanda! Obvi... I'm much more convinced of their friendship vs his otp choice. They're like suuuper similar people, I think they're even set up in canon to be parallel characters, I think them being friends earlier could've really altered their lives...

Notp: amanda 😂 I can not even kinda see them romantically

First headcanon that pops into my head: Trans! Super get it, honestly I dig it when people headcanon anyone as trans in saw (for some reason it just really works). Also 🤔 Idk if it's canon or someone else headcanoned it in a fic but I think he has at least one older sibling

Favorite line: 🤔 his final lines in the movie are super well acted so they stick out me, but he has so many fun lines...

One way I relate to the character: Hmm not super passionate about current job 😂

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I definitely feel like there's some line he has that's cringe worthy since he's somewhat notorious for his silly lines but I can't place any specific ones. I find his silliness very charming

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?:

Again, not a huuuge fan of the term Cinnamon roll but he's pretty far from problematic, personally. Definitely deserved better!!

Amanda:

Sexuality headcanon: literally impossible to convince me she isn't a lesbian

Otp: I suppose Lynn, though there's suuuuper little content for any amanda ship. I don't super think they'd work out long term but their dynamic is interesting enough. On the plus to the Brotp with adam, they would have a somewhat similar dynamic to adams otp

Brotp: Adam! Doesn't get to play out in canon but I think they'd get along really well 👍 If that's a cheat because I already said him, then I'd say Jill from saw 2, their relationship made me real sad

Notp: amanda/jigsaw 🤢

First headcanon that pops into my head: other than the lesbianism? 🤔🤔 ?????? If no jigsaw she would've gotten better...? Distant family life? Only child?

Favorite line: "Fix me motherfucker! I'm standing right here!" Youch...

One way I relate to the character: hmm other than the lesbianism? 🤔 I think she's def approaching butch, she seems like independence would be important to her...? Empathetic? (She's probably second on relatability but also, definitely not very much like me irl)

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I guess her reliance on jigsaw 😂 a lot of their scenes are... 🤢

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?: I guess I'd have to say problematic bc of all the... killing, but it's all his fault!! I don't know she'd ever be in 'cinnamon roll' territory but

This was fun thank you 🫂

#texts #personal #saw #berserk #mgs #I gotta reread berserk sometime my memory of it's getting a bit hazy #also I know you haven't seen/played most of these media but if you have any thoughts/comments feel free to add 👍👍

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nemesis-is-my-middle-name · 9 months

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answered ask under the cut, but spoilers for (idk a pla fic series that they didn't name and i've never seen), and also me being kind of a bitch. you are warned.

[ Anonymous: That is... really weird that you said that, because that fic series I mentioned *does* have two heroes, as learned by the mc via Vessa, who came after them, but it was still widely known at that point that there had been two. You've said you don't read much pla fic, so I'm pretty sure you've never read the series, which makes that a strange coincidence!

Spoilers for it, since you've said you don't mind those but for anyone who does, but Vessa says that likely the reason for there only being one hero in recent tellings, some 1000 years after the fact, was because the second hero became something of a "villain" afterward. Only she did it to send the other one, who was a faller, home. Arceus had kind of broken the world (on accident, it's implied), and when confronted by the two heroes and the ten soon-to-be nobles, it fixed things and left. But the faller hero had no way back to their own time and place, so the other hero purposefully broke things again. Not as bad as before, but it was still bad. That rift that they opened seems to have caused a bunch of other, much smaller rifts to open and close all over the place, similar to the distortion bubbles but not nearly as dramatic, which people seeking power took advantage of, once they learned they could, seeing as the second hero had done it. Which basically tore things apart and caused everyone to have to flee. Which is why the only things left of it are ruins and the two temples, and the only people are two small settlements with no apparent agriculture. Everyone else died or fled, and people only started coming back to their homeland not like recently-recently, but historically recently. The author goes kind of based on stuff from those Old Verse poems, and the small bits that Vessa gives you, as well as some other things I think, to help with their world building. ]

uh huh yeah the old verses. those things i definitely both know and care about and treat as canon and which are definitely not the most egregious example of me throwing pieces of pla canon into the trash. yep.

i'm ngl this is the main reason i don't like ppl going "oh hey that fic pitch/piece of analysis you just posted was already done somewhere else" cause it's like. well now i can't use this myself without feeling like i'm stealing, or like ppl are gonna assume i'm doing that. especially annoying when it's a bit of analysis/canon extrapolation that i don't even think is hard to come up with in isolation, cause it's not even that other person's Proprietary Idea, that's like original to them, they just happen to be the first/most well known/the one known by the specific person talking to me. like i'm sure this other fic is great and all but like i said in that post, i feel like "two heroes" is just something that's arguably implied, albeit maybe unintentionally, by the existence of more nobles than can fit in a pokemon team, specifically ten, and the ongoing diamond/pearl parallelism.

like i don't think any of my ideas are particularly unique or special, if anything my only distinction is being early to the jump (gestures vaguely at dr analysis), i just would prefer to keep them Mine when i write about them. yanno. it's not like i'm gonna get fined for plagiarism now or anything it's just like, annoying to me. idk the fic sounds fine i guess, i've never read it, and probably will never read it bc it sounds fairly convoluted and like it does too much justification legwork for my tastes, but now i have to have the plot of it hanging over me if i ever write two heroes/ongoing space-time distortion/vessa involvement/etc. the last bit being especially annoying bc i'm literally doing that right now and now it doesn't feel like Mine anymore, because someone else told me about it.

idk i'm just complaining at you i guess, sorry. this just frustrates me is all. i should probably put a disclaimer or warning somewhere but it's not like people read blog descriptions, or even the description of the askbox anymore, since the new blog viewer lets you bypass that now. ugh.

#the nemesis speaks #the nemesis answers #anonymous

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firelord-frowny · 11 months

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dumb

i finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyy went to the national aquarium yesterday omg and had a grand old tiiiiiime and took a ton of pics and videos and i thoroughly enjoyed myself and will elaborate on the enjoyment in the near future!

but first i need to whine about an annoyingly unhappy thing that was hanging in the back of my mind for a lot of the time.

i went with both of my parents, which was fine, bc thats who i wanted to go with.

but i really would have fucking preferred to do it sometime around the FIRST time i asked to go, which was when I was ohhhh, i dunno, A CHILD??? When I was 10, 11, 12, and still aspiring to have a career in zoology. And there was never ever ever a reason why we couldn't go, other than that my parents ~didn't feel like finding parking.~ i can't even tell you all the shit my family has never done together SOLELY because ~it's hard to find parking.~ everyfuckingbody else on earth can find parking! everyfuckingbody else on earth can deal with a lil inconvenience if it means getting to do something fun/memorable or giving someone they love something special. but not my lame ass family!

so, here i am now, a whole 29 years old, FINALLY having a nice day at the damn aquarium with my parents.

and i'm looking around at all these tiny children having the time of their lives with their parents and i couldn't help but feel jealous. :/ I wanted to be a 10 year old running around and demanding that my parents pick me up so I can get a better view of what's swimming near the top of a tall tank. I wanted to nyoom through the gift shop and try out all the different toys and flip through the children's books, blah blah.

anyway, we get to the part of the aquarium that has the touch pools where you get to just fuckin pet stingrays and shit! and i was so excited bc there are so many sea creatures ive always wanted to touch! i touched a horsehoe crab and a jellyfish! IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO PET A JELLYFISH!!! And I was thrilled about it!

but neither of my parents would pet anything!

which i mean, obviously that's their right, and they dont have to touch anything they dont wanna touch, but it just made me feel super isolated and outcast and reemphasized just how utterly alone i've always felt within my own family. literally NOBODY that im related to delights in any of the same things I delight in, and it fucking sucks.

which i mean, duh, that's what ~friendships~ and ~peer groups~ are for, but i feel like most people have at least a LITTLE BIT in common with their families. songs they can listen to together and equally enjoy. places they're equally excited to go to. activities everyone looks forward to with genuine eagerness.

i have none of that and i really really really wish that wasn't the case.

also? a lottttttt of the staff who stand by the exhibits and share ~fun facts~ about various animals/plants/etc were high school volunteers. that's so fucking neat!

and in the back of my mind i was so hyperaware that if i had known about such a volunteer opportunity when i was in high school, there is 0 chance that my parents would have been willing to drive me up to baltimore a few days a week. even if it meant having something fantastic to add to my college applications. even if it meant getting valuable exposure in a career field i was interested in at the time.

i mean, ok, baltimore is about 45-60 minutes from here, which IS a bit of a drive, i know.

but where the fuck else around here would there have been an opportunity to immerse myself in something that was so perfectly aligned with my deepest passions and desires? where, within a 10 or 15 minute drive of my home, would i have been able to stand next to a death adder's terrarium and tell guests all about their extremely potent neurotoxic venom or that even though they're morphologically very similar to vipers, they're actually elapids like cobras and mambas?

nowhere! nowhere!

maybe i could have volunteered down at the rinky dink lil nature center near my house and told 2 people per day that the snake in the tank that's clearly labeled as a corn snake in bigass letters is a corn snake.

just, my enrichment and my exposure to the thing i loved most in the world wouldn't have been worth a few hours of my parents time on weekends and that makes me really kinda fucking sad because now im an entire real life grown adult with 0 of the connections or confidence or skills that i'd need to start living a life that actually incorporates my favorite things on a regular and sustainable basis, and now it's MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PROBLEM to try to fill in all the gaps that my parents were content to leave wide open just because they didnt fucking feel like nurturing the person i truly was.

honest to god, i cant look at a place like the national aquarium or the national zoo or any place like that, and feel like i deserve to even volunteer there. i dont feel like i deserve to even sweep the fucking floor. i'm watching the custodial staff mopping down the floor in the dolphin viewing area and all i can think about is how much i don't deserve to even do that. (which, obviously, isn't to say that being a custodian isn't an Important Job that requires its own skillset, but it's not a skillset that you need 4 years of overpriced education to excel at).

bc my dumb brain can't stop thinking: if my own damn parents didn't think i was important enough to expose me to things i was interested in even, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY would literaally anybody else think i'm worthy of anything at all?? if i'm not important enough to be driven to an amazing volunteer opportunity as a kid, why would that same place think i'm important enough to let me volunteer there even if i did have a ride???? when there are soooooooooo many other kids who ARE important enough for their parents to go out of their way to help them reach their goals?

___________________

AND YOU KNOW WHAT????

my parents did spend significantly more money than most parents spend on their kids for my violin stuff. my violin is Pretty Dang Expensive. they paid out the ass for me to go to tanglewood one summer. they drove me once a week to my violin lessons, which took up a couple hours of their time. i'm appreciative.

but i'm ALSO keenly aware that i literally didn't ask for any of it.

the only thing i DID ask for was to just play the violin in general. but i specifically remember being an orchestra major in middle school and asking my parents if i could take private lessons outside of school, and they unceremoniously told me that no, you greedy little child, we're not paying for more private lessons when you're already in the free music program at school.

but the second i got into high school and my orchestra director told my parents to put me in private lessons, nevermind the fact that i already had free lessons with a very decent teacher at school, my parents signed me up on the spot.

when my violin teacher told my parents to send me to tanglewood, they did. when my violin teacher told my parents to buy me a new, professional quality violin, they did.

they did all of those things because someone who Wasn't Me said it was important.

shit, i remember being like 15 and wanting to get a lil part time job working at petsmart, and they told me i couldn't do it, because they didn't feel like dropping me off or picking me up from the petsmart 10 fucking minutes away from our house.

lmao can you imaginnnneeeee all the confidence and self-actualization i could have developed if even one single thing i asked to do was facilitated and nurtured by my parents?????

and now i have to struggle to learn this shit on my own because it's Not Their Problem if their adult child is struggling??

i hate me.

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blackbird-brewster · 2 years

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Do you think that jemily could have been Canon? I think back to season 3 how the writers put them in situations like (you.kids.i can see it). What do you think about it?

'Could' have been canon? Sure, I think anything 'could' have been. There was always subtext between JJ/Emily and that played out over the entire course of the show. I think fans (sapphic people especially) have psychoanalysed every single second JJ/Emily shared screen time in the 15 years the show ran and I think we (sapphic folks) will ALWAYS say 'damn Jemily really did happen' (because we want it to be true) But logically, honestly, Jemily was never canon (nor do I think it ever will be). Because the thing about LOOKING for queer subtext as a queer person is....you will always find it or you will create it. There are tons of scenes where I jokingly say 'No heterosexual explanation for this' but that's because I'm queer and I'm biased and I am looking for Jemily, so OF COURSE I see Jemily. (Does that make sense?) Now if you're asking if they ever would become canon. No. I don't believe for a single second that's ever going to happen. Which actually brings to me to something I've been thinking a lot about since Tara was confirmed queer. So many fans are saying 'Oh why wasn't Emily confirmed queer?' or 'Emily's turn next!' and I don't know how else to say this but, I wouldn't hold your breath. I don't think Emily will ever be confirmed queer for a few reasons.

Many people take that little trivia bit 'Emily was supposed to wake up with a woman in her bed' which was leaked in an interview by Kirsten in 2015 and use it as confirmation that Emily IS queer. Ever since then, people have doubled down on analysing every single thing Emily has ever done, looking for queer subtext. (Me included) But here's the thing, just because in one early version of the show, Emily was supposed to sleep with a woman DOES NOT mean there's automatic queerness hiding in Emily. People will say 'oh well the costuming department knew and purposely dressed her like that, 'Paget knew and purposely played Emily like that', 'The writers knew and purposely hid queer subtext in there' None of that seems logical or real, imo. For all we know this mythical scene was just an idea tossed around in a writers room. We don't even know who all knew about it at all, OR when it got nixed (as in, how far down the pipeline did the idea get pulled bc there's a huge difference in this scene being in ONE draft vs this scene getting filmed and cut in editing. We literally have NO further context) Yeah, I talk about Emily being a lesbian all the time, but I need people to understand the difference in head canons/fanon and canon. Canon Emily isn't queer. Nor has she ever been. (Not unless the show explicitly has Emily come out)

Speaking of the infamous AfterEllen interview, SO SO many people say 'Oh well now that it's streaming we can finally have queer Emily! The only reason they never did it before was because of CBS and because that was way back in the early 00s' Again, the interview was in 2015. Kirsten says 'Back when Paget was on the show' which means prior to 2011....but we don't actually know WHEN this scene was supposed to happen. It could have been ANYTIME between S2 (2006) - S7 (2011) For the sake of argument let's say this scene was supposed to happen in S2 when Emily first joined the team. Sure, that WAS back in the early 00s....but this show ran UNTIL 2020. If the reason they couldn't make Emily queer was because 'It was back in 2006 and it was too taboo' well guess what? They had fourteen seasons of the show where they could have made her queer, considering how many main-stream shows have queer characters now. 'It was CBS who nixed it' well, by 2020 CBS had multiple queer characters on their shows. [X] So that's not really an argument anymore either. If the showrunners WANTED to make Emily queer, they really could have done it at ANY time after Emily returned.

Another reason I don't think we'd ever see canon queer Emily is because of the toxicity and cringe of a lot of the fans (Mostly Jemily fans!) online. People have zero understanding of parasocial boundaries and the way fans act online towards the actors is so so so gross. No matter what Paget or AJ posts on social media there will always be 100 replies of people being like 'Jemily is real!' or 'Is Emily a lesbian?' or 'Can you confirm JJ and Emily are in love' (I'm not even going to delve into the ones that are simply sexual harassment bc fans are calling the actors 'mommy' or making sexual jokes directed towards the cast) There was literally one time when AJ posted that one of her friends was missing. IN REAL LIFE. And you know what happened? Jemily stans got in the comments and started begging her to confirm if Jemily was real. ON A POST ABOUT HER FRIEND BEING IN DANGER AND BEING MISSING!!! The showrunners see you. The actors see you. And in NO world, do I think the showrunners would want to ever add fuel to that fire. Let's walk through this: What would happen if Emily is canonically confirmed queer? All of the Jemily stans would say 'OH SHES GAY SO JEMILY IS REAL, ALWAYS HAS BEEN!!' By confirming Emily's queerness, the showrunners would also be subsequently confirming 15 years of JJ/Emily subtext as being queer (whether they want to or not). Which of course has HUGE implications considering JJ has been with Will since S2. It changes SO much of the context of the show and JJ's relationship with Will. The show is simply NOT going to give us canonically queer Emily, because there are WAY too many ramifications of doing so. It would never be just a simple 'Emily is queer' because Emily has WAY too much history on this show. That's why I am so glad it was Tara. Tara doesn't have that deep history with another character. Sure, we can say 'Oh wow, Emily and Tara really were flirting all those years' (I already have head canoned that) but that's FINE bc Emily and Tara were both single all that time. No harm no foul, see what I mean?

I truly believe one of the MAIN reasons we got a canonically queer character AT ALL, was because Aisha would have pushed for Tara to be queer. Aisha has always spoken up about LGBTQ issues and she's also sapphic herself. So I would bet money on HER being the one to present the idea of Tara having a girlfriend now. And I also would bet money, that wouldn't be something Paget pushed for, because Emily being queer wouldn't hold the same importance to her as Tara being queer is important to Aisha. Plus, as much as I love Paget, she has said some really harmful stuff online that toes the line of transphobia/homophobia. I know it wasn't said in a malicious way, but even saying uneducated transphobic shit is still awful to see as a queer fan.

This turned into a long-winded explanation but I think all of these things are important to remember right now and I think they're all worth saying. But no, I don't think we'd ever have canon Jemily.

#criminal minds #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #jemily #cm meta #cm evolution #reply post #jemily-in-paris

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golbrocklovely · 1 year

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i’m pretty sure brennen is homophobic

he posted on his story when he was at a bar(i think it was a bar) and said something along the lines of “definitely not ordering bud light” and bud light is getting a bunch of backlash from homophobes because the brand supports lgbtq people

i don't really pay attention to brennen anymore bc he just annoys me, and plus i don't like him, so i never really catch what he does now.

if he did this, he's transphobic as hell.

imma step onto my little soap box for just a quick second.

the ppl that legitimately are upset at bud light for supporting dylan mulvaney are absolutely some of the dumbest ppl that exist in the US. not only does anheuser busch own most beers, so even trying to boycott them is pointless, bud light only made ONE SINGLE CAN for dylan. and that was it. it wasn't a nationwide campaign, it was a single can made for her that she showed on her story. but bc the right has nothing else to focus on, bc god forbid they try to come up with policy that would actually benefit americans or even their base at all, they would rather hyperfocus on cancelling brands bc…. they aren't hateful enough. or trying to get rid of trans ppl, or drag queens. bc now they want to go back to the good ol days of assuming anyone that's gay is a pedo - when if we're being fucking honest, the real pedos are the priest and pastors in church that constantly get caught literally abusing children but then get moved around and hidden so that the church doesn't seem bad… until years later when it finally comes out that 100s of kids were abused. but you know, no. it's actually trans ppl and drag queens that are the problem.

and this is something else i've wanted to say for a while as well.

both big nik and now brennen, assuming he actually said what you say he did (it's not that i don't believe you, i just haven't seen it myself) have A LOT of fucking nerve to even remotely be homophobic. the amount of gay shit they used to do, WITH COLBY INVOLVED, only now to try and pretend that they would never stoop to that level. bro… you were pretending to be gay for views, which is pretty fucking gay if you ask me. you clickbaited titles for YEARS, but the millisecond it didn't benefit you anymore… you pretend to not like gay ppl? i mean, you probably never liked gay ppl in the first place, but this hypocrisy is fucking hysterical to me in the worse way.

nik and brennen shouldn't worry for even a moment about gay ppl fucking with them in any capacity. first and foremost, no one fucking likes yall. no one enjoys your company and you have never been a light to be around. the only reason you were relevant after vine died was bc of colby, let's bffr. and if your personality wasn't enough of deterrence, you're both ugly. no amount of god loving or having abs will fix the fucked up that you are.

and knowing how dumb both brennen and his fans are, if any of yall try to say "omg he was just joking, yall can't take a joke"... i need you to deeply understand on a fundamental level neither you or brennen are funny. you have never been funny. no one has ever genuinely laughed at anything you have ever said. and until you become a better person, this will remain the truth.

and i cannot wait until colby finally opens his fucking eyes and cuts brennen lose, bc the moment he does, he's done.

#ask #personal #brennen taylor #i'm not even tagging nik bc he ain't relevant enough

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