I love the idea that, for as intelligent as Clark Kent is, he’s a bit oblivious to what actual humans are capable of. He knows he’s physically superior but his only true frame of reference is the people he interacts with.
A Clark who meets someone while he’s reporting that attempts to shake his hand extra-firm to assert dominance and Clark, unthinking, casually copies the man’s strong grip because that’s what he’s trained himself to do.
A Clark that reads all the way down the eye chart at the doctors office because he thinks everyone can read the minuscule letters (why else would they be there) (which leads to a confusing conversation between the doctor and one Mrs.Kent who has to reason why her child wears glasses when he doesn’t need them)
A Clark who just doesn’t stop to take a breath when he walks up the stairs because Jimmy Olsen doesn’t.
A Clark that aced every test because he studied really hard when his parents told him that all the human kids study (they may have been fudging on that one, but sue them for wanting a studious child)
Just a Clark who is ordinarily extraordinary because he can only hide amongst what he knows, and those around him are spectacular.
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Sigh
Okay. So, I've got this catch-22 problem when it comes to getting my emotional needs met. And I am having a hell of a time finding anyone else talking about this, so I guess I gotta.
Context and the issue behind the cut. CW: childhood emotional neglect, and adult emotional self-neglect, difficulty with emotional openness
I'm a survivor of emotional neglect from emotionally-immature parents who themselves had unchecked untreated childhood trauma. I'm also a survivor of longterm adolescent emotional abuse from a peer romantic partner. Also also, I was homeschooled for nonreligious political reasons, so I literally had no external support system. Nor healthy relationships or friends at all until I was 15. It's a complex situation whose morphology does not slot neatly into the standard predefined trauma categories.
Basically the TL;DR is that I spent my entire adolescence surrounded by people who never once made an effort to check in with me, assuming that if I was quiet I was fine and that because I was listening I was available to perform emotional labor. People who, probably, assumed I would come to them if I needed something, despite having no evidence of that being a thing I am capable of doing.
As a result I'm a people-pleasing compulsive listener, so I naturally attract people with a desperate innate need for an audience.
The problem with attracting these otherwise-lovely humans is that these people also believe that I will come to them if anything is upsetting me and otherwise if I'm quiet I am most likely fine so there's no reason to check in with me.
In the same way they believe I will come to them with a problem or need, I believe that if they have an interest in how I am doing they will come ask me about it. They're very open about everything else, you see, so I figure there's no subtext at play and they'll come to me when they want to know something. They do it for everything else, why should this be different.
And therein lies the rub.
I was raised to understand that my needs were not as important as other peoples' needs, and that most people would come ask me if they wanted to know how I am doing but otherwise don't really care one way or another. Nobody has ever made much of an effort to disabuse me of this notion. Because it's awfully convenient for them, I think, to have a person around who has no apparent needs or preferences. Which I did by design to make myself acceptable, but as a result, I am now a completely invisible adult.
Here's where the catch-22 problem happens.
The pattern goes like this:
I suffer in silence because I believe my needs are unimportant to others.
My galloping-and-unreigned RSD repels me from asking for my needs to be met because I believe that will be an inconvenience and a bother, and I will be rejected.
I do not display outward signs of distress in order to not inconvenience others, and to protect myself from any potential rejection.
Nobody thinks to check in because I'm not making any outward signs of being in distress.
Wanting someone to check in with me becomes yet another thing I have to ask for.
I'm uncomfortable asking for things because of my belief that my needs are unimportant, that others are too busy for me, and that I'll be rejected even if I do manage to ask because if they do want to know how I am then they will approach me and ask.
I can't explain this problem to anyone, so they might think to ask more often in the future, because it might hurt their feelings to know they've hurt my feelings and I am legitimately petrified of making someone perform nonconsensual emotional labor (lest I become the monsters who made me this way)
Nonetheless, nobody is expressing curiosity about my wellbeing and thus my belief that my needs are unimportant to others is reinforced.
Do you see the problem here.
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Learned Behavior
We are here inviting you to review how you interact with others. The relationships that you have with one another are a magnificent way to recognize and integrate all aspects of yourself. You see it is in the interfacing, the interacting, that each human is given the opportunity to be fully present or to be on automatic.
Automatic is the state of consciousness that is similar to the cruise control device on your cars. When the human is acting from an automatic stance, the reactions are from old learned responses and programs. Humans stay in a state of automatic response and reaction by not being fully present in the moment; perhaps they are thinking of what of they will do in their future or perhaps they are dwelling on events from the past.
When humans live in past memories, past experiences or past emotions or they live in the worries, concerns and projections of the future, they are not present in the moment of each new “NOW.” Their responses to the “NOW” will be generated from stored programs, learned emotional responses or memories, which are usually under the file name of ‘shadow self.’
We have observed that it is usually an automatic response that humans give one another. These responses are like learned dance steps or a learned script. The responses are not fresh in the moment, appropriate to the new "NOW."
These responses are generally not daring, innovating or thought provoking. They generally are tried and true responses, they are familiar, they are safe, and they are responses that the human has leaned and uses well. Many times there is no thought involved.
This interesting shadow dance that most humans do together in a relationship is offering them the insights into their automatic responses and behaviors. These automatic responses and behaviors are especially evident in close personal relationships with family, mates, business associates, those people with whom you interact daily. These people, to use one of your terms, “Push your buttons." It is the pushing of the buttons that starts the automatic responses, that activates the unresolved issues, the past emotions, all the insecurities, and learned defenses.
So you have wonderful opportunities in each moment to observe yourself in these close and personal relationships. Notice what gets activated, what insecurities, what defensive behaviors or posturing do you offer in any given situation. It is the observation and the keen awareness of your personal triggers or buttons which activate old automatic responses to the new situation.
Relationships can get stuck in these loops. This can occur for years. These automatic response loops can and will even define the relationship. We all know and can review our various family and other relationships where each person knows their boundaries. They have recorded and learned the buttons of the other person, which they either avoid entirely or deliberately push to activate the other.
This is the common way that humans relate to one another, avoiding or activating each other's insecurities, and defending and guarding our own. This is the ego manager’s job, to pull from the past a response that protects or attacks. Humans are very skilled at camouflaging their insecurities, their hopes and dreams as well as their unfulfilled expectations of the other.
Each relationship, parent/child, siblings, mates, employer/employee even stranger to stranger, all have a created and scripted response that has been learned and is automatically triggered or activated when the two are involved and interacting with one another.
You might observe and notice how your automatic knowing and opinion of that particular relationship colors each interaction. You do not respond in a new manner. It is always the same with them. You know them, they know you. Notice your conversations are they always similar? Do you ask the same questions, feel the same things every time the two of you interact? Do you ask them for their truth, do you give them your truth?
The truth in each moment is fresh and new. Our responses can and should be fresh and new. Ask yourself what is my truth in this moment. What would I like to share with this person, this child, this mate, this stranger, that is not my standard automatic response?
We are offering these suggestions as a clear way and a tool to begin to notice how many times and how often you are not present in your relationships. This is a similar reaction humans have in their relationships, especially their close family and personal relationships.
There are certain habits of relating that are established. There are involuntary emotional reactions that have been created and sanctioned between the two people or the family as a group. However these automatic emotional/mental reactions that are established in your relationships do not support your total aliveness, your total expression, your embrace of the new and spontaneous reaction in each moment.
Imagine that each moment is entirely new, that there is no stored or learned behavior. This is the level of expanded consciousness we are inviting you to embrace. We realize that it is a challenge to recognize and honor each and every encounter in relationship as if it were new and whole, unpracticed, original and spontaneous.
The key here today is to observe as many of your learned responses to others as possible and begin to offer a more true interaction from your now state of mind and state of being.
Just for a moment consider your thoughts and feeling about the people who make you angry or even fearful. How you judge those individuals makes a true difference in the outcome of reality.
It is those who trigger your hatred, fear or anger that need your love and forgiveness the most. Imagine that you did not act from your old pattern of judgments, instead you sent that individual a vibration of love and light. It is love and light that will dissolve hate, fear and heal all wounds.
You are powerful beyond measure, remember, what you focus upon and send your love and awareness to, will allow the most menacing and hated individual to transform. This may be a parent, a boss, a world leader. The love you offer provides them the opportunity to transform as well as it offers you the opportunity to release any pattern that is negative or misqualified. Notice who you might hate, who you judge, who you might be prejudice against. Be prepared to shift your attitude regarding this individual or individuals.
Each person is your mirror. Each interaction offers you a reflection of some aspect of yourself. If the reflection is one of pleasure and makes you feel joy, acknowledge that and seek those reflections more often. If the reflection is one of discomfort and distress, if the reflection invokes a sense of insecurity, anger, fear, rejection or judgment, you have a clue to some of your own personal unresolved issues, wounds and automatic projections.
Discovery is the first step in this process. Being aware of what is triggering your issues and how you are activated in your interactions with others is a major step in your evolution. Once you have discovered and revealed these personal issues and patterns, you can begin to shift them consciously. Be the detective, investigate your reactions, be kind in your search, be playful in your search. This is a game, we invite you, to lighten up.
We assure you that in time you will be more fully in the present with each encounter. Being fully in the moment during your interactions with others honors yourself and honors them as well.
You can do this. Everyone can do this. It is being requested and required in order to expand and embrace the full reality of your multidimensional consciousness. Being fully present in your multidimensional consciousness offers incredible tools for your planet to shift to a new level of consciousness.
We are always available to support and assist you in striving to offer a new way of being with those with whom you share this planet. the 'team'.
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