My patience is basically like a gift card...

not sure how much is left on it, but we can give it a try.

I was put on this Earth to do one thing. Luckily, I forgot what that thing is so I can do whatever I want.

How big can you make a cupcake before it's just a cake?

Or, how small can you make a cake before it becomes a cupcake?

Thinking of tigers being large cats isn't as exciting as thinking of cats being small tigers

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your lifetime.

But really, you can eat as many as you want.

Treat yourself, you deserve it.

You can't buy happiness but...

you can buy a tent, hike into the wilderness, sit by a campfire, and watch the stars twinkle in the night sky.

Me getting ready to be the highest person at the grocery store

In 1908 the New York Times reported a story about two dogs in Paris who regularly pushed children into rivers, only to rescue them for the treats they received at the end.

If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life.

If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen.

People who take care of chickens are theoretically chicken tenders.

Reminder:

The closer you are to nature...

the farther you are from idiots.

A majority of the trees you see in your life will outlive you

If you don't like graffiti, just look away... like you do for genocide.

Golf is the only sport where the worse you are the more you get to play

Here's some advice from Gary, a lesser demon from the fourth circle of Hell...

if you're having trouble opening a jar of pickles, try running the lid under molten souls from the second circle or some hot water.

It's very unfortunate when you have to park badly because the car next to you parked badly, but then they leave first.

As the total solar eclipse mesmerized viewers across the U.S., Google Trends noticed a surge in searches related to eye pain. Terms like “eyes hurt,” “my eyes hurt,” and “why do my eyes hurt” spiked in popularity around 11 a.m. PT / 2 p.m. ET, coinciding with the moon’s passage between the Earth and the sun.

Concerned individuals sought answers online, with inquiries ranging from “can I look at the sun” to “solar eclipse no glasses.”