#kill myself. this is exactly why i barely made it to fucking eighteen years of age. this is why i can’t fucking eat more than even half a
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you might as well just fucking call me by name at this fucking point
#Rasp Rambles#this is exactly why i have so many fucking problems with everyone in this house. this is why i spend almost every day wanting to fucking#kill myself. this is exactly why i barely made it to fucking eighteen years of age. this is why i can’t fucking eat more than even half a#meal most days. this is why i’ve planned multiple different ways of executing my own demise. this is why i can’t be me. THE REAL ME around#anyone i’m fucking related to. every little thing i do is such a big fucking problem isn’t it mom? everything that goes wrong is just my#fucking fault isn’t it? you wanted a son when you were pregnant with me and when i came out to you at 14 you seemed really fucking upset#despite the fact that i’ve been told multiple fucking times by multiple people that you wanted a son and not a daughter. its bad enough i#get told i look like my father when i hate his fucking guts. you can’t even accept me being a boy despite it being#over FOUR FUCKING YEARS SINCE I CAME OUT. no mom its not for some stupid trend or because all my friends are doing it.#i have maybe two or three irls who are also trans. and even then they didn’t influence this. they were the ones who showed me that there#were words for how i had felt since i was about eight years old. but nothing i do is good enough for you is it mom? its not like sheltering#me for the majority of my childhood had any lasting negative effects. its not like being forced to grow up faster than i was ready to has#caused me any fucking problems. because i can 100% trust you when i tell you about how i feel and all my struggles without worrying about#you going and gossiping about it to your mom and sister and friends. not like i should be able to confide in you for anything.#suicide mention#tw suicide#apologies for all the fucking. emotional bullshit i’m going through guys. really not having a good time right now.
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To Weather a Storm (Saeyoung x MC)
Oh, Saeyoung. How I have missed you.
Summary: It’s easier to hide from the storm, but do you really want to waste away under your shelter, having never danced in the rain?
Warnings:
Some violence, blood and brief mention of torture.
General angst (with a happy ending)
Songs:
I Dreamed a Dream - Les Miserables
Already Gone - Sleeping at Last
After the Storm - Mumford and Sons
Come What May - Moulin Rouge
Fic and notes under the cut.
A/N: Okay, I know I tend to ramble at the beginning of a fic but I feel like these need to be said, for my sake. You’re more than welcome to ignore this, but I gotta get these off my chest. This fic includes and was based on a poem I wrote a little while ago, which I know sounds horribly pretentious and pompous, but I had the idea for this fic weeks after I wrote it and it didn’t seem complete unless I included it. In addition, because it was written before the fic, it is personal and I feel very vulnerable posting it here, but once again I felt like it made the fic whole. I’m also anonymous on here so really, how vulnerable can I be? I am no poet, I am aware of that, but I am someone with a lot of emotions and a desire to express them. The poem essentially comes in two parts, the second part being written when I was having a better day. It may not seem that deep, and it probably isn’t, but it holds weight for me. That being said, here is some Saeyoung x MC, and I suppose, a little bit about myself. I hope you enjoy :)
~
“Why do you resist the calm?” they had asked.
Because calm comes with the promise of a
storm,
And the sting is much less felt from a fall
Out of an angel’s grip
Than a fall from their grace.
“Then why do you resist the storm?”
Because now, I have all the more to lose.
——
“But then answer me this,” they persevered,
“Would you not favour risking the fierce strike,
To feel the heavens kiss your skin
And witness the electric sky,
Than to waste away within your borders,
Having never learnt to dance in the rain?”
~
He was killing himself.
Eighteen years old. At this rate he wouldn’t live to see nineteen, inching closer to death’s cold embrace with every sleepless night and every meal skipped. Even off hours he was working, his fingers trembling as they danced across the keys for hours, days on end. He just needed to prove he was the best. He needed them to trust him.
Saeyoung was still technically in training, despite the fact that he was likely the most skilled hacker in the agency, let alone amongst the recruits. The agency were thrilled by his skills and work ethic, which was exactly what he needed.
He needed them to trust him to the point where they were dependent on him. If they needed him, then he would remain in the agency for as long as he lived, and therefore his other half was safe for that same length of time.
Whilst the agency didn’t care for their agents’ wellbeing in the slightest, they cared about losing something valuable to them. And, in this case, it was 707.
“They sent me to tell you to go the hell to bed,” came a voice from behind him.
He kept his eyes glued to the screen, “Then tell them to fuck off.”
“So you have a death wish?”
“You don’t?”
With a weary sigh, you sat at the computer next to him and he finally looked at you, his eyes bloodshot and his face devoid of any colour. Or life, for that matter. You looked him dead in the eye, “I get what you’re doing, but you’re not going to be any help if you’re a corpse.”
“I don’t care. That’s the boss’ problem, not mine.”
“I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about the person you’re protecting.”
His eyes shot to yours in panic, and you laughed despite yourself, “People don’t come here for a holiday, you idiot. Everyone who’s here is here for a reason, and we all know it’s the same reason.” You were the exception to that rule, but that wasn’t necessary for him to know.
He reclined in his chair and shut his eyes for what felt like the first time in days. Maybe it was.
You placed your hand on top of his, the action startling him a little, making you chuckle, “Listen, you don’t have to do all this. You’re better at this than all of us combined, the boss adores you. You have nothing to worry about, okay?” the soft smile that graced your features was enough to make Saeyoung feel more at ease. You were too kind. You didn’t belong there.
Your eyes flickered towards his computer screen and you sighed again, “I’m going to get you some water and some food whilst you finish up, but then you are getting some sleep.”
Saeyoung watched you as you left, and wondered how such a warm soul had found themselves in such an icy place. You were taking a huge risk by caring for him, and yet you did it without hesitation nor complaint. He couldn’t tell if that was down to altruism or naivety. He suspected it was both.
After you returned, he ate and drank as you took over his work, finishing the last bit of coding before shutting down the computer. He was surprised by your effortless ability to continue from where he left off, but was even more surprised by your willingness to do so. You stood up once you both finished and held out your hand for him, which he took, letting you hoist him to his feet as he discovered he was too weak stand on his own. With one arm around you for support, you led him back to the room.
Every recruit slept on the floor in the same damp room, and with your designated space being directly next to Saeyoung’s, you got to know one another. Not much, not at all, but a little goes a long way in such wretched circumstances.
You learnt that his mouth twitched when he had a nightmare, so you always woke up when it did so. He learnt that you subconsciously twiddled your thumbs when you couldn’t sleep, so he’d watch over you until you went still and your breath evened. Little by little, you learnt to look out for each other. You were in it together and, at least for a while, that was enough.
Usually, forming relationships of any kind within the agency was forbidden, but since he was the boss’ golden boy, he could get away with anything he damn well pleased. Not you, though. And whilst you were kind, you were no doormat.
The next morning, during working hours, you kicked up a fuss (rightfully so, Saeyoung thought) about a guard whose hands were wondering in a place they had no business being. The agency were not impressed by your reaction. They didn’t like your stubbornness or your strong will. They didn’t like your self-awareness.
You were taken away, and Saeyoung didn’t see you again until you came to bed long after the sun had set. You were practically chucked into the room, your crumpled form a heap on the hard floor, the cold biting at your bare skin.
Saeyoung struggled to see you in the darkness, but he could just about identify your silhouette as you heaved yourself up, dragging your weight towards your space. As you got closer, he could start to see the glisten from the tears that coated your face, trickling over bruised and slashed flesh. When you laid down, he carefully moved his hand to envelope yours, stroking the back of it with his thumb - a silent message carrying all that your feeble heart needed to hear. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m here. It’s not happening anymore. I’m not going anywhere.
You’re not alone.
His warm breath tickled your face, and you knew that if you edged forward, your forehead would meet his. With a moment’s hesitation, you did so, and that was where you remained until morning, desperately clutching on to the only sign of humanity that could be seen for miles, and the only man to touch you without teeth bared.
From then, you slept every night like that, inching closer and closer until finally his lips hesitantly grazed against your own. Tentative fingertips roamed over pebbled skin, and with a hand cradling your neck and a stroke of his tongue against your bottom lip, you welcomed him to take you completely with his illicit kiss. A reckless attempt to feel something, anything other than pure agony.
You were only children. Naive, daring, broken children who had never known love of any kind, but were somehow able to offer it.
You wished it could still be enough, that your quiet entanglement could be your one reason to hold on. But the tightrope you walked on became more turbulent everyday.
It was an enormous risk, but a risk you would take.
The guards became more hostile towards you after your incident, and their tolerance had reached an all time low. You were reported more often and your punishments became more brutal. You realised then that Hell wasn’t a place, it was a snap of a belt and a knick of a knife, a knee to the gut. You needed to escape.
A month after this began, you sent him a message. He was a good enough hacker that he was able to set up a chatroom that only you two could access, and that wouldn’t be detected by those higher up. It was your only safe haven, a trench on a battlefield. But burying yourself away from the action didn’t mean the war had ended.
606: I’m getting out of here.
707: there’s only one way out, and you what that is
606: That’s only if I don’t run fast enough.
707: they’ll kill you
606: Then so be it.
707: i’m not going to let that happen
606: It’s not your problem.
707: it is if it’s you.
606: You don’t even know me.
707: i know enough
606: I’m sorry
That night, you didn’t come back to your bed, and there was no sign of you other than the chilling echo of a gunshot that resonated through the building. Saeyoung crushed his eyelids shut, yet the tears still flowed as his teeth dug into his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, the bitter mix of salt and iron consuming his taste buds.
A rumour got around that you had tried to run and were shot on sight. You were used as a cautionary tale for new recruits. Apparently they had the CCTV footage. Apparently they showed them the pictures. Saeyoung wouldn’t know, he stopped listening.
From that day forward, he put his headphones on and worked. He worked until his fingers bled and blistered, reminding himself everyday of why he couldn't rock the boat unless he could see the shore, especially in such turbulent waters. You took that chance, and you couldn’t even swim.
Saeyoung found your name two days after you disappeared.
MC.
A picture of you from your life before also came up in his search, and he threw up in the bathroom as the image of you smiling slowly morphed into that of your limp and bloodied body, eyes wide open as they pierced into his own, haunting him. One day he would avenge you, and one day, in another life, he would see your smile again.
But today, he had to work.
“Why do you resist the calm?” they would ask.
Because calm comes with the promise of the
storm,
And the sting is much less felt from a fall
out of an angel’s grip
Than a fall from their grace.
***
“707! On your right!”
Swivelling around, Saeyoung deftly aimed his gun at the guard approaching, landing a perfect shot between the eyes. His aim was so accurate, in fact, that he landed it with his own eyes closed. He never looked, he could never stomach it. “Vanderwood, you keep a look out. I’m going to scope out the place.”
“Roger that.”
Missions were the most onerous part of the job for Saeyoung. With every bullet and every crimson stain on another body, he felt a piece of whatever innocence he had disappear. Scar tissue was harder than skin, and at that point, he felt he had no softness left.
This mission, however, was particularly demanding. The opposing side outnumbered Vanderwood and himself by a long shot, but they somehow managed to hold their own. They were both convinced they had taken down everyone in the building, so he was caught off guard when he entered what he thought was an empty room, only to find himself face-to-face, or gun-to-gun with someone who should have been dead hours ago.
Or, upon inspection, years ago.
“...MC?”
He lowered his gun but you kept your hold strong, eyes never wavering from his. His mouth was agape as he took in the sight before him. Your hair had grown, you were thinner, and he could have sworn your eyes had lost their colour.
But God, there was still something so ineffably beautiful about you. That much hadn’t changed.
Saeyoung had dropped the gun completely, the clash of metal against metal pervading the room, “What are you doing here?”
“I could ask the same of you.”
“Yeah? Well I believed you to be dead for years now so I think my question is a tad fucking more valid.”
For a split second, he swore he saw your lips quiver before you pressed them into a thin line, “You were always a better hacker, 707, but I was a better frontliner. I got away with merely a bullet to the arm. But as they say, birds of a feather flock together, and it wasn’t long until I was found and recruited by someone else. Fate never favoured me, clearly.”
You held your aim, but he noticed your eyes go glassy and your knees almost buckle under your weight, and only then did he register the wound on your thigh and the ominous maroon pool on the floor next to you. His heart rate shot up, “MC…I need you to lower the gun.”
“How the fuck do you know my name?”
“That’s not important, what matters is that you’re gonna bleed out if we don’t do something about that wound right now.”
“Then I guess we’ll bleed out together,” you said, your voice strangled but your aim never faltering.
“You don’t really want that though, do you?” Saeyoung said quietly, his arms up as he creeped towards you until there was no empty space between you and him, only the barrel of your gun. Carefully, he took hold of it and tugged it out of you grasp, an arm around your waist as he lowered your collapsing form onto the floor.
The colour left your face as beads of sweat started to trickle across your features. Saeyoung took out a bandage from his utility belt and started to wrap up the wound. It would need to be treated properly, but it was enough to get you out of there.
You watched him intently as he attended to you, the same crease forming between his eyebrows from when he worked. It was strange the things you remember about another person. Only then did you realise just how much you had longed for him in the years gone by, and hot tears spilled from your eyes before you had time to register them.
His attention immediately averted to your face, cradling it with both hands as he brushed away your tears with the pad of his thumb, “Hey hey hey, you’re okay. We’re gonna get you out of here, I’m not leaving you.”
“What’s the point? I won’t last a month out there on my own.”
“You’re not going to be on your own. Like I said, I’m not leaving you. You don’t belong in a place like this, and soon you won’t have to,” he rested his forehead on yours, just like you used to, “I need you to trust me.”
“I’d be a burden.”
“You would never. Not to me.”
You eyed him carefully, trying to find any mark of dishonesty on his face, but all you saw was heartache. “Your name,” you croaked, your bones growing heavier with every passing second, “I need to know your name.”
“Saeyoung,” he answered coolly, “Saeyoung Choi.”
He tucked one arm under your knees and the other under your middle as he stood up, effortlessly manoeuvring through the building as he carried you. Vanderwood was waiting outside, exasperation etched on his face as he took in the sight of you both, “Seriously? What the hell is this?”
“No questions, Vanderwood. Just drive,” he ordered as he glided into the backseat with you still in his arms. Setting you down carefully, he checked your injury before taking out his phone and calling the top name on his short list of contacts, “Jumin, it’s me. I need a favour.”
The drive was quiet, but it wasn’t long until your leg was being treated privately in the penthouse of none other than the director of C&R International, Jumin Han. You recognised him from the news, and his association with Saeyoung only raised more questions about his life after you left.
Once the doctor and Jumin Han left, Saeyoung moved to perch on the edge of your bed, gently rubbing your knee, “How’re you feeling?”
“Better…thank you. But, I still don’t know what you expect me to do now. I can’t stay here forever.”
“I have made some arrangements,” he explained, inching closer to you, “You can now go by your real name, and you will become a part of a charity organisation called the RFA, taking the role of ‘party coordinator’. Myself and Jumin are also members and we, as well as the others, will protect you. We have an apartment for you, and you will be safe there. You can start afresh.”
Your eyes widened, sceptical that fate had had such a quick change of heart, “What about the agency? And everyone else who wants me dead?”
“I’m dealing with it.”
“I can’t let you to do that.”
“It’s not your choice.”
You both sat in a heavy silence for what felt like an eternity. Eventually you moved over, inviting him to take the space next to you. He did so, sliding up until you were lying face-to-face with the man that you thought had slipped out of your grasp. Surely it was all too good to be true.
“There’s one catch though.”
And there it was. Too good indeed.
You cocked an eyebrow, and he continued, “If this is to work, we need to keep our distance. You can’t be close to me when I’m still an agent, it’s too risky. After tonight, I’m your colleague at the RFA and nothing more,” you opened your mouth to object, but he cut you off before you had the opportunity, “No, this is non-negotiable. It’s too dangerous and I’m not taking any chances,” he paused, his next words almost a whisper, “I’m not losing you twice.”
Something in your chest ached, but you understood. You had to. As long as he was an agent and was working to erase your soiled past, getting close to him would be too dangerous for the both of you. He was essentially betraying his agency, and if they found out, even he couldn’t get away with it. This was the only way.
So for one last time you grabbed his hand, holding it close to your chest as you closed your eyes. He pressed a kiss against your forehead before placing his own there, in same position as when you were young, but now your minds a little wiser and your hearts a little more bruised. You prayed that you could stay like that forever, that the sun would never rise and you would never have to let go.
But morning was inevitable, and with the first rays of sunshine that filtered through the curtains, Saeyoung untangled himself from you and drove himself back to his bunker, refusing to grant himself the luxury of looking back.
Headphones back over his ears and a soda in hand, he began to work, taking himself back to the quiet agony he resided in, his hiding place from the devil that knocked on his door.
“Then why do you resist the storm?”
Because now, I have all the more to lose.
***
Your legs were dangling over the clifftop as you overlooked the city in the distance. You observed as more building lights flickered off the longer you sat. You wondered whether all the lights would disappear if you waited there long enough, leaving you completely alone on the outskirts of the city you built your new life on.
But either way, you would never truly be alone, would you?
“You know, for a trained agent, you’re not very stealthy,” you said smoothly.
“Like you said, you were far better on the frontline than I was,” Saeyoung replied, “Besides, it was intentional. I thought I shouldn’t startle you when you’re so close to the edge.”
You smirked and gave a hollow laugh, “Literally or figuratively?”
“I don’t know, MC,” he said softly, sitting down next to you, “You tell me.”
It had been a little over a year since you started your new life, and you found it crazy how much had gone down in such a short amount of time. After everything that happened with the Mint Eye, you couldn’t believe that everyone returned alive. And better yet, Saeyoung returned with his brother, meaning he no longer relied on the agency, so he managed to worm his way out of their fierce grip. He became boundless, and so did you. Things were looking up, things we’re finally changing.
But still, nothing had changed between you two.
You rested your head on his shoulder, both of you looking out onto the city until he finally broke the dense silence, “What are you thinking about?”
You took a deep breath, “I don’t think I was meant to live this long,” you began, “I should have been shot that night I ran, or bled to death the day our base was infiltrated. Hell, I should have died in that alleyway before they took me away.” That last part was new information to Saeyoung. He never knew that’s how you were recruited, and he suddenly felt his blood begin to boil. He tensed, trying to conceal his anger. “Yet, somehow, the universe kept me living and as well as that, kept bringing you to me. Like a guardian angel, I suppose. But life’s never really that generous is it? Because every time you came back, I could only get so close. You were just a trick of light,” your voice cracked at the same time his heart did, and he laid his head upon yours, “You’re free now, Saeyoung. When are you going to stop shutting me out?”
He sighed, “There are people out there who hate me, MC, and want more than just me dead. Escaping the agency hasn’t changed that, it has left us in the same place as before. The closer you are to me, the less safe you are.”
“I don’t want safety, Saeyoung. I want you,” you turned to face him, but he was already standing up and walking away, hands shoved in his pockets. “So now I can’t even talk to you?” you yelled after him, getting up from your own seat on the ground.
“I already know what you are going to say. I’ve told you so many times before-“
“Yes, and I listened, now it’s your turn. I’m sick of both of us taking away the other’s right to choose. We’re going to decide our future together, right now, and in order to do that we need to listen to each other.”
He watched you silently for a moment, but you continued, attempting to swallow down the lump in your throat, “I used to dream of a life that was simple, plain sailing. A life where pain was a myth and everything was nothing short of a fairy tale. Every night I dreamed of that life, and every night I prayed for morning to never come so I could stay in that dream forever, because it was easier to hide there than to scrape through a day in the hell that was my reality. And then there was you, and you were kind and you cared for me when I thought I deserved nothing, that I was nothing. I realised then that I didn’t want to live in that dream anymore, you know why? Because you weren’t in it. Because I knew that being in love with you wouldn’t be easy-“
“Don’t throw that word around so carelessly.”
“Carelessly? When I ran away and heard that gunshot, the first image that came to my mind was you. Does that mean nothing to you? I’m about to die and I don’t feel fear, just a stabbing regret that I left behind the one thing that finally made me grateful for every sunrise,” you sobbed, tears now streaming down your face, “Saeyoung, if you tell me to stop, I’ll stop. If you don’t feel the same way, I will leave you alone. But if you tell me that you want me too, then how can you expect me to just walk away from you?”
“You could die.”
“I could not.”
“I’m not willing to take that risk.”
“But what if I am?” you cried, your body trembling, “What if I want to die having loved you rather than die having never known what it was like to do so?”
“It would be like loving a monster, because that’s what I am.”
“Not to me. Not ever.”
Saeyoung couldn’t take his eyes off you, his clenched fists shaking by his side and his mind reeling. His heart was screaming at him to go to you, to hold you in his arms and tell you that he fell in love with you in a place where love didn’t even exist. That he has loved you since you were young and broken, and loved you more with every day that you grew older together. But his brain ordered him to hold back, and so he did. His head would always have power over his heart, that was his rule.
The soft peal of thunder could be heard in the distance as rain started to shower, quickly soaking your hair and clothes. Saeyoung looked at you with pleading eyes, “Get in the car, MC, I’m taking you home. You’ll get sick if we stay out here.”
“You said before that you wouldn’t lose me twice,” you continued, ignoring his request, “but you lost me for the second time when you told me to keep my distance. I know you said it to protect me and I appreciate that, I really do, but you no longer get to decide that kind of thing on my behalf,” you stepped towards him until your faces were a breath away from each other, “I want you in my life, Saeyoung, and everything that comes with you. Please, you’ve been through enough tragedy and heartache, stop depriving yourself of what your heart yearns for. It’s a fleeting little life, take a risk and live it.”
Saeyoung’s heart was pounding so hard against his ribcage that he thought it would crack. He studied how your eyelashes glistened from the raindrops, before they slid down your cheek and rested at the point of your chin. He no longer knew where the raindrops ended and the tears began, but he did know that he couldn't hold back anymore. For once, he would let his heart take the wheel.
He tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear before he held your face in the calloused palm of his hand, tilting it up until your lips met. He revelled in the way your lips moved against his, the same way they did when you were kids. He knew your kiss better than the back of his hand, and he wanted to kick himself for keeping you at arms length when you belonged in their embrace. Saeyoung could finally understand what you meant, because he would happily drown in your kiss if it meant he could feel the way he did in that moment for the rest of his life.
Every nerve in his body lit up as he deepened the kiss, fire dancing through his veins as you wrapped your arms around his neck, hands running through his hair. With a moment of boldness, he moved his hands to sit on your waist as he pulled your closer to him, your bodies flush against each other.
When you both broke away to breathe, he tucked his face into your neck, his eyelashes tickling against your skin as his eyes fluttered shut. He didn’t particularly believe in destiny, but having you in his arms made him entertain the idea. He would no longer deprive you of the love you deserved, nor would he deprive himself of the love he desired.
There was a lot of healing to do, and it would take time, you both knew that. Trust doesn’t come naturally to those born in a storm. But you can’t soothe the storm, nor can you live in the calm before it, you can only weather it. And if you were by his side, then what was a little bit of thunder?
You both stood there in each other’s embrace, completely sodden but passed the point of caring. You wanted to savour that moment, because that was the first time in both your lives where you felt completely at ease in your bliss; and when it rains, it pours.
“But then answer me this,” they persevered,
“Would you not favour risking the fierce strike,
To feel the heavens kiss your skin
And witness the electric sky,
Than to waste away within your borders
Having never learnt to dance in the rain?”
***
#mystic messenger#mystic messenger fanfic#mystic messenger fanfiction#mysme#saeyoung x mc#luciel x mc#seven x mc#707 x mc#saeyoung choi#luciel choi#mm seven#mm 707#my writing
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Put Me In Coach 2
“He’s watching you,” Mary whispered, as I looked at her in confusion. “Coach Negan has been eye fucking you ever since he walked into the cafeteria.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re fucking insane.” I let my eyes fall back to the book in my hand. “He’s not looking at me, and if he is, then it’s probably because the random thought of ‘oh shit, have I done inventory lately’ popped into his head.” Eric snickered from beside me. I took a drink from my bottle of water and pretended I was reading. He was staring at me. I could feel it across the crowded room. I just couldn’t acknowledge it. Even though I’m eighteen and technically an adult, he’s still a fucking teacher. And married. A flash of guilt gnawed in my stomach. I couldn’t think of her, his wife.
“If this is insanity, than fuck if I don’t want a dose of what you’re having.” Eric muttered, and then I felt him. Behind me, the musky scent of him, his heat. Fuck.
“Miss Kendall.” That fucking voice of his. It didn’t help that I knew exactly how deep it could get, and just how hot he could sound moaning my name. I licked my lips and felt his hand touch my shoulder.
“Yeah, Coach.” I was happy to hear my voice both steady and not breathless. I looked up at him over my shoulder and smiled. “Is there a problem?”
His eyes were dark. A darkness I was learning very well. “Not a problem, Miss Kendall, a reminder.” I swallowed as he pulled his hand back. “You promised to give me a hand,” I heard Eric snicker again and closed my eyes. “With grading.” I nodded and bit my lip.
“Of course,” I took a deep breath. “I have a free period after lunch.” It was the second semester and I didn’t have his class anymore. The free period was actually an independent study that I was doing, but what’s the point of it if I couldn’t be independent?
Negan smiled down at me. “See you then.” He nodded a parting to my now silent best friends and walked away. I turned back to my book.
“Tell me he’s bent you over his desk and spanked you until you couldn’t sit down comfortably.” Eric practically moaned. “Please throw me that one fucking bone, bitch.”
I shook my head and ignored him. “Come on, Eric,” Mary said, her eye roll evident in her tone. “We’re talking about PERFECT Amara Kendall here. What would Coach Negan have to spank her over?”
“Mary, Mary, Mary,” Eric sounded completely bored with that line. “Remember that Amara fucking Kendall had to retake PE because of her fucking mouth. Wait, has he fucked your mouth?” Damn it. The insatiable curiosity of these two assholes would kill me.
I shook my head and continued to ignore them. “She’s not talking, Eric. Quiet as a fucking tomb.” Mary sounded so put out that I nearly giggled. Nearly. “Unlike us, her BEST FRIENDS, she doesn’t share. Shouldn’t surprise us, I guess, she never shared in kindergarten either.”
That did it. I laughed. “You are such thirsty fucking whores.” I shook my head and sat down my book. “Kindergarten? Really?” I rolled my eyes. “You’re never gonna forgive me for that fucking Barbie doll are you?”
“It was Ken, bitch, and you wouldn’t share him so I could reenact all my debased ideas.” She was glaring at me and Eric as we laughed. “I had such creativity and it was STARVED because you wouldn’t share.”
“I saved you from being forced into therapy, you twisted asshole.” I was shaking with laughter. “Seriously, what five year old acts out that kind of shit in kindergarten?”
“A creative one,” Eric snickered. “Creative and had too much access to Skinamax.”
We were all laughing now. Fuck, I loved the two idiots. But I couldn’t share what Negan and I were doing. They knew something happened, but he was STILL a fucking teacher. And I wasn’t going to lose him his job. “You know I want to share, but-” I sighed. “The less you know, the less you could be asked.”
“Do you honestly think that anyone would question us?” Eric scoffed. “You’re an adult, Amara. No one cares.”
“Well, the board might,” Mary shrugged. “What?” Eric had shot her a look. “It’s true. She has a point. He’s a teacher, not HER teacher, but he’s still a teacher.” She took my hand. “Sorry, we’ve been pushing for info, Amara. I think I get it now.” I squeezed her hand. “Doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop giving you shit, but I won’t ask for details.” I rolled my eyes.
“Fine, yeah, me too.” Eric begrudgingly agreed. “But the SECOND we get our fucking diplomas, I want GRAPHIC fucking details. Videos if you have them.”
I walked to the gym after lunch and grinned as I watched Negan bark out orders to the class. “I’m leaving you all to your own devices, but I swear to Christ if I hear a Lord of the Flies situation going down, I will shut that shit down immediately. Understood?” A round of agreement and he motioned for them to grab the equipment of their choosing.
“Miss Kendall.” He greeted me as I made my way through his students. “Let’s go into my office and we’ll get started with that stack of papers to grade.”
The door had barely shut behind him when I turned and met his arms and mouth. Groaning into one another’s searching hands and ravenous mouths, I felt his hands sliding down my back to pull up my skirt over my hips. His fingers met lace and his teeth nipped at my lip. And then the panties met the same fate that each and every pair before them had, luckily I found a place to buy in bulk.
My hands were tugging down the elastic of his shorts, and then as though Eric had wished it, I was bent over the desk. But instead of a spanking, I was getting something better. He slid inside of me fully and then his hand was wrapped around my throat and pulling me back into his chest. Fuck. As we moved together, my head turning to search for his mouth and him anticipating my want and meeting me, I felt that build. The one that had become as natural as breathing to me. The climb toward an orgasm with Negan pounding into me with an expertise that only he had.
Roaring through both of us, I fell forward on the desk with a quiet chuckle as he followed me, his body over top of my own, always so hesitant to pull away. Pull out before he had to, he was completely against that. He wanted to feel me, for as long as we could stay joined, and I loved it. His weight against me, front or back, the feeling of him slowly leaving me. Hell even the mess that he left behind, until both of us could stand and our breaths weren’t pants any longer. Then he’d wipe me clean, kissing my knees or my thigh and smile up at me.
“I’m getting used to this, Amara.” He said, once I was clean and my skirt was down, panties replaced with a spare pair I kept in my bag. “You, this.” He had replaced his own clothes and was sitting in his desk chair. “Fuck if I’m not gonna miss you next year.”
I sighed, and sat on his lap. Letting my head find the crook of his shoulder, I played with the buttons on his polo shirt. “I’m not going far, Negan.” I offered, we’d been having this conversation a lot lately. “Besides,” I swallowed, not wanting to remind him or me of HER. “Maybe it’s for the best.” I offered instead. “I leave, your life gets back to normal.”
He chuckled into my hair. “Normal?” I felt him inhale deeply. “What the fuck is Normal, princess?” I didn’t actually think he was asking me, so I didn’t answer. “Still gonna fucking miss you.”
I smiled, and tilted my head up so I could look into his face. “I’ll miss you too, Coach.” I winked and he grinned. “Now, are there actual tests to grade, or was this an elaborate farce to get me alone and at your mercy?”
He laughed and opened a drawer filled with paper. “There’s always shit to grade, Amara, you know that.” And then he let me up, and left the office so I could grade his papers while he went back to teaching. I wondered, pulling a red pen out of his drawer, would he really miss me? Or was I just the latest in a long line of students that he’d done this with before?
“Amara!” I heard a loud male voice yell as I was leaving the school at the end of the day. Looking around I found the source. Joe Malberry. Captain of the wrestling team. I’d gone out on two dates with Joe, he’d asked me to Homecoming and I turned him down. I waited until he caught up with me, wondering what he could possibly want now.
“Hey, Joe.” I smiled up at him. He was broad. In his shoulders and everywhere else. Trust me, I knew. “What’s up?”
He was smiling down at me. His huge body blocked the sun effectively. ‘Hey, Amara, I was wondering, do you have a date yet for the Spring formal?” Ugh, this again. But I stopped myself from a fast no. Why shouldn’t I go to at least a few dances my final year?
“When is it again?” I hadn’t paid any attention to the notices.
“Two weeks from Friday.” He offered, his smile deepening at my interest.
“Sure.” I answered, nodding. “Why not?”
He hugged me and twirled me around making me laugh. “Fucking awesome.” He set me back on my feet and grinned. “Just tell me the color of your dress and I’ll pick out your corsage and make sure we don’t clash.” Shit, he was excited.
“Absolutely, Joe.” I smiled and walked away after promising him to give him details he needed and plans to call him to hash out the plans. I was almost in my car when I felt it. Someone’s eyes on me, and looking up I saw Negan staring a hole into me from outside the gym. Shit.
Maybe I wasn’t such an adult. If I was, then I probably would have gone over to Negan and discussed what he must have witnessed between Joe and me. I would have just admitted that going to the dance sounded mildly fun. That Joe was a good guy and maybe, if I was feeling particularly brave, I’d admit that Joe and I had, once upon a time, screwed like rabbits.
Or, I could drive the fuck home and pretend he hadn’t seen or had that look on his face. I could force down dinner. I could fake my way through homework. I could take a LONG hot bath and then open up my laptop to look at formal dresses to get an idea of what I wanted to wear. And hairstyles. And shoes. Anything other than looking at my cell phone that had been dinging text message alerts since I drove away.
I knew it was him. It had to be. We’d promised the cell phone was an emergency only thing, but how many times had we broken that rule? And to Negan, this might actually constitute an emergency. Maybe. But I wasn’t nearly ready to look and see what he might be saying or texting. Not yet. I was a coward.
I was printing off a few hairstyle ideas when my phone rang. OK that wasn’t him. He NEVER called. He couldn’t. Not from home. Not where she was.
I tapped the answer button without looking down. “Hello?” I was still clicking through websites and came up short when I heard his voice. Shit.
“Miss Kendall?” Fuck. “I think we’re gonna have to discuss your performance today, privately.”
Fuck, shit, fuck. “Coach, I can explain.” I tried, but he stopped me from continuing.
“Which may have worked if you came to me today, Miss Kendall.” And hadn’t ignored my texts, I heard the unspoken irritation. “I expect you in my office first thing in the morning. Be prepared for-” I waited, swallowing hard. “Just be prepared, Miss Kendall.”
Damn it. He hung up before I could say another word. Which forced me to look at his texts.
Amara, what the fuck?
Young lady, answer me.
Amara, you need to explain what I fucking witnessed earlier.
Damn it, answer me, Amara.
If I don’t get an answer in the next ten fucking minutes, you’re gonna wish you had.
That was the last one. Shit. I should have fucking answered. I should have BRBd him or TTYLd. Something, anything, cause I had a fucking feeling that Eric would be getting a very clear graphic of his fantasy when I couldn’t sit down all day tomorrow.
I had trouble sleeping. I had trouble waking up. I had a shit ton of trouble getting out of bed and facing the day ahead. I was screwed. And not in any of the most enjoyable ways. I bit my lip and considered how to divert him from the very clear aggravation that he was feeling. First, armor.
I got up, reluctantly, but determined. Pulling a pair of the tightest jeans I owned from a drawer, a pair of boy silky boy short panties, and a strappy sports bra, I had a flash of brilliance. Stepping out of my bedroom, I yelled down the hallway for my dad.
Mom’s head popped out of their bedroom, half her face made up the other still a work in progress. “He’s already left for the day, Mara.” She offered, taking in my unusual outfit. “What did you need?”
“A sports jersey.” I said, walking toward her. “It’s dress up day at school, you know senior shenanigans.” She was giving me a look of wonder. Shit, why didn’t I play nice at school more with the stupidity. “Doesn’t Dad have a few from when he goes out with the guys?” My dad liked to pretend now and then that he liked silly things like sports.
She nodded, still looking at me like I’d been a victim of a body snatching. “Yeah, come in and go to the far back of his closet.” She sat down at her vanity and glanced at me as I made my way to his closet. “Those jeans, honey, are they-”
“Decent?” I asked, with a snicker. “Sure. If you squint past the painted on fabric and strategic tears.” I was flicking through Dad’s clothes until I spotted it. Baseball jersey for the win. And since it buttoned, I could, once I left the house, unbutton it and show off the very nice and very fetching sports bra I was wearing. “Thanks, Mom.” I offered, dropping a quick kiss on her cheek as I bounced out of her room.
“Amara, do take a change of clothes, just in case.” I rolled my eyes. And my friends wondered why I was the way I was.
“Absolutely, Mom.” I agreed, and went back to my room to finish getting ready.
Hair up in a high ponytail. A pair of blinding white chucks on my feet. Baseball cap I found in the hall closet tucked in my bag. An extra outfit on a hanger, just so my mom wouldn’t lose her shit. And then I was out the door. Early, way earlier than anyone should ever willingly show up at their school, but I was there.
I parked my car and pulled my bag out. Pulling the cap on my head and pulling my ponytail through the hole, I took a deep breath to prepare myself. If nothing else, the fact that I was wearing jeans and a jersey should throw him off his game. And if Negan was off his game, then maybe I could explain myself before I had anything to really worry about. Right? Sure, I promised myself. Negan could be reasonable. He WAS reasonable.
I walked through the empty hallways, the quiet feeling far more surreal and foreboding than any other time before. The silence stretched out before me, my shoes’ soles too soft to even give me the comfort of my own footfalls. I reached the gym before I was ready. Truthfully would I ever be ready to reach him? Nope.
His office door was closed and I almost thought I beat him to the school, but I saw the sliver of light peeking out and nearly groaned. Fuck. I took a moment to give myself a pep talk. Negan was an adult. He just didn’t know how to categorize what he’d seen between me and Joe. Once I explained, leaving out that we’d had sex, he’d be fine. He expected me to do normal senior things. Hadn’t he asked me about Homecoming and Prom? He understood that this was normal. He just didn’t like that I hadn’t told him about it. Calmer, I knocked and heard him tell me to come in.
“Miss Kendall.” He greeted me and my stomach did a flip. Shit he was really truly pissed. “Close the door.” Damn it.
I complied, and when I turned around I felt another flip in my stomach and thanked God I hadn’t had breakfast. Lying in the middle of his desk was the paddle that our principal always referred to as “Spanky” and lovingly reminded us of the day when it was used to hand out the real punishment. Fuck.
“Interesting outfit, Miss Kendall.” Good he’d noticed. “You don’t usually wear jeans. Especially jeans that look like they’ve been painted on.” Fuck. He didn’t sound diverted. He sounded irritated. Shit. “Gonna make the next few minutes take longer than they should, but trust me, they’re gonna happen.” Shit, fuck, shit.
“Negan.” His eyes flashed to mine. OK, nope. “Coach Negan.” I corrected and when he didn’t move I felt comfortable to go on. “Look, I know what you saw yesterday could be interpreted a few ways, but it’s not what you think.” I don’t think, anyway, I added in my head. “Joe was just asking-”
He stood up and I squeaked. Like a mouse. Shit. “What, Miss Kendall, did good ol Joe ask?” Fuck.
I swallowed down another squeak. “He asked me to the spring formal.” I rushed out, he was studying me. “I accepted.” That came out more or less as a breath.
“The spring formal?” Why did he sound so fucking dangerous repeating me? I nodded. “And you said yes?” Another nod. “But you couldn’t take five fucking seconds out of your day to pick up the fucking phone and tell me that?” Shit. Fuck. Shit.
“I just-” What? I tried to ask myself. What didn’t I just? “I didn’t want to-”
Negan had come closer as I was struggling to find words to explain something I didn’t quite understand myself. “You didn’t want to what, Amara?” He was so close I could feel his body heat. “Tell me you were ready to play high school senior? To tell me that you wanted to play in the kiddie pool after telling me that you didn’t want a ‘boy’?” All my words, all coming back to haunt me. Shit.
“It’s not like that, Negan.” I offered, looking up at him. “I just thought, maybe, one fucking dance-”
“You wanted to go to a dance?” He sounded like a broken record, spitting back my words with various levels of disbelief. “With the captain of the wrestling team?” Damn it, I knew he’d get to that part. “Didn’t you turn down good ol Joe at Homecoming?”
“Yes,” I answered, waiting for the next onslaught.
He nodded, and bit his lip. “Why would good ol Joe be willing to risk another possible rejection?” He was studying me again, and I know he saw the faint blush that hit me. “Ah, so good ol Joe was rejected for the dance, but NOT for the DANCE.”
I fought rolling my eyes. Wasn’t he supposed to be the fucking adult here? “Does that matter?”
“Yes, Miss Kendall, it fucking matters.” His eyes were blazing on mine. “It matters because you’re gonna go to a fucking dance with a guy who WILL expect a repeat of that early performance. It matters because NOW I’m gonna have to fucking go to a fucking high school dance and chaperone it. It matters because I’m gonna fucking brain his stupid ass if he fucking puts his hand lower than your upper back.”
“Negan,” I felt my eyes widening. “You can’t.” He was glaring down at me. “You can’t do any of that. You’ll lose your fucking job.”
“And whose fault is that, princess?” Shit, the heart of the matter. “Take off that ball cap.” I tugged it off and tossed it onto the chair. “Now, unbutton those ridiculous fucking jeans and bend over that desk.” Damn it, fucking Eric’s wet dream for the win. I unsnapped the button and unzipped the zipper.
“Should I-” I started but he shook his head. OK. I leaned over the desktop.
“Face down,” the coolness of the metal touched my cheek. I felt his hands on my waist, and then his fingers on the waistband of my jeans. He began tugging them down, muttering at how tight they were as he worked. “If you fucking thought wearing these fucking pants was going to somehow fucking deter your punishment, sweetheart, I think you’re gonna be fucking upset. Cause it’s increasing the fucking shit, right now.” Fuck. “What the fuck are these?” Oh, the boy shorts. “Princess, where the fuck did you get these fucking things?” His fingers snapped the elastic silk of the panties.
“I don’t know, some store.” I truly had no fucking clue. They were basically toss away period pants if I had to be honest.
“They’re ridiculous too.” He was irritated and only getting more so as he tugged and pulled the jeans down. “These fucking things should be in the goddamn trash. If I didn’t want to murder anyone who might see your naked ass, I’d rip the fuckers off and toss them myself.” Don’t tell him you have a spare set of clothes, don’t tell him, even if that sounded hot as fuck.
I bit my lip when his hands and my jeans and panties met my ankles. The light air against my naked bottom half felt weird, and weirder still when he tossed my dad’s jersey out of his way. “Where the fuck did you get this?” Shit, wasn’t he just fucking curious all over this morning.
“It’s my dad’s.” I answered, and he grunted. “Should I chuck it in the fire, too?”
“Sir.” He corrected. Shit. He was serious.
“Sir?” I asked, hoping that he wasn’t going to go full on Eric’s greatest wet dream ever on me.
“That’s right, Amara. Sir.” I nodded my understanding. “You understand that you asked for this, don’t you, princess?” I nodded again. “Words, Amara.”
“Yes, sir.” I answered, and felt myself get a bit damper. Shit. “I asked for this because I didn’t answer you yesterday, sir.” Fuck if this wasn’t the best fucking bad thing I’d ever done.
“Good girl.” Shit, my stomach clenched at the praise. “Now, since it’s your first infraction, I’m not gonna go too hard on you, but remember this, princess, so you don’t have to experience it again.” Yeah, right.
Spanky the paddle was right beside me, but he didn’t pick it up. Instead, I felt his hand smooth down the skin of my ass and bit my lip. Guess old Spanky was just a fucking prop, I thought, right as Negan brought his hand down full force on my ass. Fuck. I nearly jumped off the desk from the sting. Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Count, princess, you’re getting fifteen.” Fuck was that his favorite fucking number?
“One, sir.” Fuck fuck fuck. And then another smack. And I counted. Each and every fucking one, from one to fifteen. Shit. I could feel the sting and burn. I knew that those fucking jeans were going to constitute as more fucking torture. I was also so wet that all I could possibly wish to take my mind off the literal flames of my burning skin was for Negan to bury himself deep inside of me and take care of my other pain.
“Pull up your pants, Amara.” WHAT? I shot him a look of disbelief over my shoulder. “It’s a punishment, princess.”
No fucking shit. Fuck. I stood carefully and bent over to grab my panties. Shit, this was gonna suck. I took my sweet time tugging the thin silky fabric over my burning ass. OUCH. I let them settle on my no doubt flaming red skin, then reached down for the jeans. This took far more time. More time than it took him to get them down my legs. More time that it took to put them on earlier at my house. I bit my lip and closed my eyes as the denim brushed my ass, even with the slight barrier of those fucking boy short panties. OUCH. Damn it. Once they were up, I buttoned them and zipped up.
When I turned to face Negan, I realized I wasn’t the only one who had enjoyed at least part of my punishment. Without waiting for instruction, I carefully got to my knees. What the hell, why not go full throttle submission? Looking up at him, I tugged his track pants down his hips and careful of his obvious need, I settled them on top of his shoes around his ankles. I watched his face as I rose up higher onto my knees and licked his hard shaft from tip to bottom. Nothing, just watched me. No words, no touch. Just his eyes on me. Well shit. Opening my mouth, I took him inside, using my tongue and then adding my hand for good measure.
Finally after the fourth bob of my head, I felt it. His hips thrusting ever so slightly forward. I worked harder and was rewarded by his hands sliding under my ponytail. And as he finally got into the swing of things, so to speak, his fucking mouth kicked into gear.
“That’s right, princess, take my cock, just fucking like that.” He pushed a bit too far and I gagged, again thankful that I’d had no breakfast. “Take it, sweetheart, take it.” And I swallowed my saliva and him, by fucking accident. Shit. “Oh fuck,” he moaned, and then, like I wasn’t entirely prepared for, he came. Down my fucking throat. That he was down because of a fucking accident.
It was swallow or choke so swallow I did. He started to go limp, but I waited, just as I always did when we finished having sex. And, just like during our normal fuckings, he helped me up and cleaned me up. My face this time. Tugging on my ponytail, he smiled down at me.
“Do you still want to go to the fucking dance?” He asked, but the heat of his anger was almost gone from his voice.
“Yeah, I do.” I answered, leaning against the desk and then hissing at the feeling of burning pain. Shit. “Damn it.” He grinned at me. Oh, sure, you can sit down, fucker.
His fingers brushed my errant bangs away. “Fine.” Was that permission? “I’ll go let Turtle Jones know I’m in for fucking chaperone duty.” Shit was he serious?
“Negan,” I began, but he brushed his lips against mine.
He shook his head when he pulled away. “This is non-negotiable, Amara. You go, I go.” Shit, fuck, shit. “Now get going, class is starting in ten minutes.” Shit. I grabbed my bag and the cap, and as I moved to pass him, he swatted me on my ass. FUCK. “Have a good day, princess.” OUCH.
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Chapter Fourteen
Summary: When you hear that your recently deceased grandmother left you her property in her will, at first you think that a dinky old cottage in the middle of nowhere isn’t going to mean much for you. But after spending a night there, you discover something far more valuable than the house itself: a hidden door that leads to another time, the same place but over 200 years in the past. In the late 18th Century, there is a king who will die before his 21st birthday unless you can save him. Will you help him, even if it means leaving your own life behind?
Genre: time travel, royalty AU, mystery. || Word count: 1.7k
A/N: all is revealed. tell me if you guessed the twists ;)))
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“You.” Your voice is wobbly from crying, but the sharp edge of hate is undeniable. You run the back of your hand across your face to wipe away the tears and snot and glare at the man tied to the rickety wooden chair. He looks at you blankly. “You did this to me. This is your fault.”
You stare incredulously as Yoongi shifts slightly, putting himself between you and the healer. He holds his hands out to you in a peace-keeping gesture. “Y/n, calm down. You’re not in your right mind.”
“Not in my-? Of course I’m not in my right mind, Yoongi!” You push yourself up off the floor and move around so Jin is back in your line of sight. “Why did you do it? All of this. Why?”
Jin huffs, hums around the gag, and shrugs his shoulders.
You sniff away the last of your tears and glare at Yoongi. “Take it off.”
“Y/n…”
You narrow your eyes. In the back of your mind you know it’s not helpful to act this way, but the burning pit of rage inside you is the only thing keeping you from falling apart completely. “This man has taken everything from me, Yoongi. Indirectly or not. Let me speak to him.”
After Yoongi does as commanded, albeit with a heavy sigh, Jin coughs and works his jaw, glancing up at you with morose eyes. “Y/n, you must understand I had nothing to do with your situation. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I can assure you; this isn’t all my fault.”
You shake your head firmly. “The jig is up, Jin. You saw me come from that doorway. You’re a traveler, like me. Not from this time. I already know about your grand plan to steal the throne for yourself. Create a portal to the past like some kind of supervillain.”
He frowns in confusion. “What do you-? I didn’t create the portal. I was sent here by the witch. This is all her doing.”
You roll your eyes. “Oh, so now there’s a-”
“Y/n,” Yoongi cuts off harshly, turning around to face Jin, grabbing the front of his tunic to bring his face closer. “The witch. What did she look like? What did she tell you to do?”
Jin’s hand jerks against the ropes like he was about to raise it, then goes lax and sighs. “My girlfriend,” he admits with a sigh. “That witch. She was obsessed with royalty; said her and I could rule the province together if it wasn’t for the line going to someone else. That portal was created by her. I was meant to go back, kill the King, and return to a better timeline in our present day.” His eyes dart to you. “Did she send you too? She’s fucking crazy, don’t listen to anything she’s told you.”
You knit your brows. “No, I’m not… from your time, I… When you left, she didn’t,” you swallow, feeling bile rise in your throat. “She didn’t keep this house, did she?”
He shrugs as much as he can within his restraints. “Of course, she did. She told me she had to protect the portal.” He shudders. “Has she had the baby yet?”
“Oh God,” Yoongi murmurs low in his throat, “you’ve got to be kidding me.”
Your hand is clapped over your mouth and you sink to the floor, staring in bewilderment at the man tied up in front of you. “Wh- Grandma always said it was a sperm donor. I don’t… I don’t understand.”
“Grandma? No, this was a young lady. She owns the house. I’m sorry; who are you exactly?”
You shake your head numbly, and Yoongi rubs the back of his neck, straightening up. “That’s Y/n, from the year 2019. She’s your granddaughter.”
Your voice is light, on the verge of failing you completely. “Grandma wanted you to kill the King? She…” You sigh, thinking back to all the times you had curled up on the carpet in front of her rocking chair as she told you that knights in shining armor didn’t exist, that you couldn’t rely on a man to save you. “She was waiting for you, I think. All those years. She raised mom alone. She helped raise me.”
“Your mom? So it was a baby girl then?” Jin’s eyes soften and he blinks away tears that gather.
Ignoring this, Yoongi steps in, dragging over a stool to sit in front of Jin. “There’s one thing I still don’t understand. You admit your purpose here was to kill the King, and you’ve taken several attempts on his life. Surely if you’re his doctor you could easily kill him. Why don’t you?”
Jin ducks his head, and you see his lips tremble. “That kid is like family to me. I was a stranger and he showed me nothing but kindness. At the start, I told myself I’d wait until he was eighteen. I couldn’t kill a child. But then I realized I couldn’t kill him at all.”
Yoongi frowns. “Then why the attempts? Why not just live out your life as a healer?”
Jin sighs in a great shudder. “This whole time,” he confesses throatily, “this whole time I’ve been terrified she’s going to come back through to finish him off herself. I suppose I grew particularly suspicious of you, Yoongi, since this was the house I snuck out of when I arrived. And when I heard that you had brought a stranger to meet the King…” Jin turns his watery gaze to you, glancing under his eyelashes with an apologetic look on his face. “I thought perhaps you were her friend or something. I figured if I made it look like I was trying, then you wouldn’t go for him yourself. Honestly, I don’t even know what my plan was. I freaked out. I can’t lose him.”
Your eyes widen even further as the healer starts sobbing, shoulders shaking under the ropes that bind him to the chair. “Yoongi, untie him.”
“What?”
You glance up. “He can stay here, and I can go home. The portal only needs one transfer, right?”
“No,” Jin cuts in immediately, “I need to go back.”
Both you and Yoongi stare at him in confusion. Yoongi scoots forward on his stool. “Why? You said it yourself; King Jeon is like family to you-”
“And back there is my real family,” Jin insists. “I need to go back and raise my daughter, hopefully protect her from that witch’s influence. My… my daughter deserves better than to be raised by a crazy person. I can go back, make sure she’s put away where she can’t harm anybody. Please, Yoongi, Y/n. Let me go back to my daughter.”
Yoongi simply shrugs. “It’s up to Y/n.”
Once the two men shift their attention over to you, you squeeze your eyes shut and bury your face in your hands. Fuck. You had an out. You could go back to your love, Jimin, rip up that note and pretend like you had never left. You could spare him that misery.
But then… being raised by your grandma ruined your mom. She was too headstrong, too rational, too focused in the real world. At the time you had hated her for it. You had always preferred your grandmother’s magical tales and secrets to reality, but now you can see just how miserable your mother must have been. And the chance to have a strong parent in her life? To have a new chance?
You swallow hard and look back up at Jin. “Take care of mom. I… I hope you get to live happily there.”
Yoongi nods solemnly and reaches out to untie Jin’s bonds, freeing the man. You stand up yourself as he does, and the first this Jin does once he’s free is to rush over, enveloping you in a tight hug.
His fingers bunch up in the fabric of your shirt and he exhales unsteadily. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers, planting his chin on the crown of your head, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for her. Or for you. It’s been an honor to meet you, and I hope I live long enough to meet you again when I get back.”
A sob is ripped from your throat and your arms come up to hug him back. “I hope so too. My mom’s gonna love you, you know? So much.”
Any other occasion would see you cracking a grin at the way he squeezes himself through the gap, barely large enough for his shoulders to fit, but instead you just stare in a glum silence, biting your lip harshly to prevent any tears.
Once the door shuts behind him, Yoongi lets out a deep exhale. “It’s over now,” he states tiredly, “let’s close this for good.”
For such an impressive feat of magic and science, the portal closes without much fanfare. Yoongi recites a few lines as he scratches a symbol into the door. You press your hand over the carved symbol, a vaguely circular rune that’s made up of broad strokes. After reciting an incantation, you’re instructed to try the doorknob. It doesn’t open, doesn’t even twist.
Upon closer inspection, you can see the material of the door begin to shift, morph. The cracks between the door and it’s hinge are slowly closing up, and the definition in the grain melts away. “It’ll be gone by nightfall,” Yoongi explains, the two of you lapsing into an exhausted silence.
“Well,” he says eventually, “that was a lot to take in. How are you holding up?”
“Don’t,” you warn haltingly, “not just yet. I can’t-” you break off as your voice threatens to break. “Do you have something to help me sleep? Preferably for a very long time?”
Yoongi’s eyes are swimming with sympathy as he gives you a sad smile. “Of course. You did the right thing, Y/n. As hard as that probably is to hear right now. Get some rest.”
---
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Opposites Attract [3]
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Pairing : Park Jimin / [Fem] Reader
Genre : Angst, Violence, Language, Fluff, Smut, Enemies to Lovers! AU, Fantasy! AU
Words : 2.6k
Pt 1. Pt 2. Breakdown of Factions. Pt 3. Pt 4. Pt 5. Pt 6. Pt 7. Pt 8. Pt 9. Pt 10. Pt 11. Pt 12. Pt 13. Pt 14. Pt 15.
⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙
-Jimin’s P.O.V-
‘Ice? Are you fucking kidding me?’ I thought to myself, jumping out of the way.
I stared at her wide eyed, my eyes on her arms the entire time. They had...frost on them? I could even see the frost had spread to the fingertips of the ones holding her ams. I watched as she collapsed into the one holding her from behind, her cold stare on me. Though she looked weak that look in her eyes was enough to make me cease my attacks. I saw her lips move and heard her voice but didn’t try to make out what she said. She winced before closing her eyes, the guy behind her keeping her up right to the best of his ability. By the way her arms hung loosely at her sides I could tell she passed out.
‘That’s it? Was she already out? I must’ve underestimated how weak she really was…’ I thought to myself, scoffing.
“Hoseok now!”
I was snapped out of my thoughts to see that the one that held onto her left arm started moving. I looked up to see a huge mass of water had formed above my head. I cursed, raising my arms up to fire off another blast at him when we were interrupted. A huge bolt of lightning struck the ground in between the two of us, causing us to stop. The water that was above my head vanished as the flames on my arms were extinguished. I couldn’t stop myself from stumbling back as I finally noticed who stopped us.
“Zeus…” I muttered under my breath, naming the faction Seokjin belonged to.
He stood off to the side, his eyes on Y/N before meeting my gaze. I felt my face pale the moment I looked into his eyes, seeing the bolts within them. He walked slowly to stand between us, a crackle of thunder being heard with every step he took. I could see three other figures coming out to stand beside him. I’d deal with the two from Zephyrus later, my main concerns right now were Gaia and Zeus, those two never liked me or anyone from my faction for that matter.
“You’ve had your fun, I think it’s time you run along now don’t you?” Namjoon who belonged to Gaia asked, giving a tilt of his head as the corners of his lips curled up ever so slightly, “Isn’t that right Seokjin?”
“I’m giving you five seconds to get out of my sight before the next bolt of lightning lands on your head.” He said, his voice threatening, small bolts of lightning coming from his fingertips, “You know what happens if you threaten the kin of the current leader. Be grateful Hyerin wasn’t here to see this disgraceful display, or my own father for that matter. You don’t want a repeat of what happened seventy years ago do you?”
I clenched my hands into fists at my sides at the mere mention of that incident. Seventy years ago the Zeus faction was in charge, my great grandfather challenging Seokjin’s own great grandfather. From what I know it didn’t end well. His great grandfather killed my own and almost wiped out my entire faction. We had to rebuild everything but by the time we did they weren’t in power anymore. We had finally gotten to our former glory thirteen years ago when Poseidon wanted to suppress our numbers once again.
“This isn’t over.” I said through gritted teeth, giving one last glance to Y/N before turning on my heel.
I could hear two sets of footsteps follow after me, knowing exactly who they were. Once we were out of sight I’d teach them both a lesson. I hated how inferior I felt just by looking at Seokjin. It’s like my entire body froze at the sight of him, unable to produce the fire it once made. The way he instilled fear into my body with just one look pissed me off to no end. It was in that moment I was reminded who the most powerful one of us really is. The Zeus faction could take over and make us all bow whenever the hell they wanted but they never did. They’re the ones who established this whole hierarchy in the first place. Each faction had their own time when they were allowed to rule, the only problem was the Hephaestus faction never got that chance. Poseidon has only been in control eighteen years and they’ve already done a shit job, the next thirty are sure to be hell.
I shook my head, ridding myself of these thoughts as I turned to the two who had followed me. I reached out and grabbed onto their collars, glaring into their eyes.
“Go against me again and I’ll burn you to ashes.”
“You can’t take us both on and you know it.” Jungkook said, his tone sounding bored.
“Wanna bet?”
“Jimin calm down. You’ve already gotten yourself into enough trouble today by attacking both Levi and Y/N. Levi is next in line when his mother steps down in two years, Y/N following if something happens to him, they’re like royalty.” Taehyung said, his voice stern, “If you don’t want to start another war then settle down already.”
I set my jaw at his words, my grip on them tightening before I let them go with a shove, “Some fucking friends you are.”
“We’re trying to save your life here you cocky asshole.” Jungkook spat out, taking a step towards me but was stopped from going any further by Taehyung.
“This is our last warning Jimin. Attack those two again and we’ll have no choice but to side with them. Zephyrus is next in line to rule thirty years from now and it’s our job to protect the ones that rule before us.” Taehyung said, his eyes telling me this was a serious matter, “Don’t make me regret ever being your friend. I know this isn’t who you really are. Your father has corrupted you-”
“Say another word and I’ll kill you.” I cut him off, a fire starting to crawl up both my arms like before, “My father opened my eyes, you should think about doing the same.”
The wind began to pick up the moment I exposed my flames, leaves swirling around Jungkook’s feet, his hair getting messier as the seconds ticked by. Taehyung simply gave me a sad look, stepping aside to stand next to Jungkook. He didn’t seem like he wanted to fight, though in comparison Jungkook looked eager to. He smirked before bringing his arms up, his palms facing me as he sent a whirlwind my way. I cursed, bringing my arms up as a shield but was still knocked down by the force of his wind. My fire was practically useless against them, the flames being extinguished almost immediately. I groaned deep in my throat when my back hit a tree, knocking the air right out of my lungs. I let out a wet cough, what I assumed to be blood trailing down my chin.
“It’s time you know your place.” Jungkook said, his own wind swirling around his legs, lifting him off the ground.
He didn’t get too high, Taehyung reaching out to grab ahold of his arm. Jungkook gave him a look, one Taehyung only shook his head to. Jungkook scoffed before turning on his heel and walking away. Taehyung stood there, staring at me silently.
“Heed our warning Jimin. Next time I won’t bother stopping him...or I might just go after you myself, I’d hate to hurt you.” He said with a sigh before following after Jungkook.
I glowered at the two walking away from me, slamming my fist into the ground below me. Those fools! They’ll regret the day they turned on me like this, just how I’ll make Y/N pay for her betrayal.
…...
-Y/N’s P.O.V-
I let out a sigh, watching the guys interact with one another. Levi, Hoseok, and Yoongi still looked a bit on edge but Namjoon, Jungkook, and Taehyung were trying their best to help them calm down. The latter two had arrived a few minutes before I woke up, the one that had broke up the fight sitting next to me.
“Thanks...if you had arrived any later those three would’ve had worse injuries.” I said, my voice low as I stared at Levi’s and Hoseok’s bandaged fingers.
“You know if you lot had just a little more control of your emotions then none of this would’ve happened to begin with. I wouldn’t have had to step in and threaten Jimin myself, you wouldn’t have had to use that power your mother forbade you to use and hurt yourself or the others for that matter, everything could’ve been avoided.” He said in a monotone voice, his arms crossed over his chest.
I turned to glare at him, gritting my teeth, “So you’re saying we should’ve just let him talk about my father like that? That I should’ve let him get away with disrespecting-”
“No. What I’m saying is there are better ways to handle this. We don’t always have to resort to using our powers to resolve our problems. You other three factions haven’t learned that yet and that’s why the times are always so chaotic when you rule.” He said, his voice firm, “You weren’t the first to attack, it was Levi and he should know better being next in line once your mother steps down in two years. But you using that power...it should’ve never happened. You do more bad than good when you use it. Your father never used it that recklessly and neither does Levi...I had hoped you’d be the same but I guess I was wrong to assume that.”
I stood up abruptly at his words, avoiding the eyes of the others, “Now I remember why I hate being around you so much. It wouldn’t hurt to get off that damn high horse of yours for a minute y’know.”
With that I turned on my heel and walked away, ignoring Levi’s calls for me to come back. I stormed off, my legs taking me somewhere far away from them. I kicked at a rock that was in my way in frustration, my arms hanging limply at my sides. They still hadn’t healed yet, and wouldn’t be back to normal until this weekend give or take. I really pushed myself this time so I guess the lack of being able to use my hands and arms for the next four days was the consequence I had to bare.
As I walked my mind began to wander like it usually did. It pissed me off when all I could think about was Jimin. My curiosity had been piqued...I wanted to know why he turned out the way he did. He was a totally different person. Yeah sure eight years is a lot of time to change but not for a change this drastic. He was colder, cruder with his words. And his eyes, god his eyes lacked that light they held all those years ago. Now his eyes are so full of hate I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly happened.
With a sigh I kicked at another rock, stopping when I noticed the grass under my feet. I looked around, finally noticing that I was in a field but it wasn’t just any old field. I felt a lump form in my throat when I realized why this place looked so familiar. This was the place where I first met Jimin, it’s also the place where I last saw him eight years ago. This field held so many memories, the thought bringing tears to my eyes. It hadn’t hit me until that very moment that the one person who I could tell anything to, relate to, and rely on was all but gone. I had lost my best friend and was left with a sick twisted version of him.
“Well who do we have here? Come to reminisce about the past now princess?”
I tensed up at the sound of his voice, feeling my anger try to take over. I turned around to see him standing behind me. When did he get here? How long had he been standing there? Why wasn’t I able to sense him at all? So many questions floating around in my mind and I didn’t have a single answer to any of them. My fingers twitched at the sight of his smirk, noticing how he held onto his side. I saw the red stain on the side of his chin, guessing it was blood. Come to think of it Jungkook and Taehyung had said they talked to Jimin before coming over to me, they must’ve done that to him.
Just as I was about to say something Seokjin’s words from earlier rang in my mind. I set my jaw when I heard them, hating how his words were the first ones I thought of. I hated admitting that he was right. So swallowing my words and my pride, giving him one last look that conveyed all that I felt to him, his own eyes hard and cold, I walked away from him. I didn’t get very far before the grass in front of me suddenly caught fire. The fire rose about eight feet high, well above my own height. I stared at the wall of fire wide eyed, pure terror in my eyes. I stumbled back but felt the same heat coming from behind me. I looked around to see he had me surrounded. The same way his fire consumed the space around me the panic, dread, and horror consumed my entire body. As that feeling spread all over me I was reminded of one person and one person only.
“F-Father…” I mumbled out, sounding the same way I did when I was a child, “Father.”
I turned around to look for an opening but every time I did the fire burned hotter.
“Father!” I cried out repeatedly, my cries sounding more and more desperate.
I felt hopeless and weak, crying out for him one last time. As I did so I unconsciously used my power. The ground underneath me freezing, the ice spreading to the fire around me. Instead of the flame melting the ice the ice simply engulfed the flames. Walls of ice surrounded me in the shape of the fire. I sunk to the ground, feeling my entire body frozen to its core but somehow I felt more alive than I ever have, tears streaming down my face. I stared down at my hands, seeing the frost that had covered them was all but gone. My legs were frozen to the ground like I expected them to be but no matter how cold I felt inside I was perfectly fine on the outside, no side effects whatsoever.
“Come out here you coward! You can’t hide from me forever! I’ll make you pay for your betrayal!” Jimin yelled, banging on the ice.
I brought my hands up to cover my ears, drowning him out. I could feel him trying to melt the ice but I just rebuilt it as soon as he did. He continued to yell, his voice sounding more and more desperate with each word. This has all been too much. Too much has happened in just a few hours. Is this how it’s always going to be when I face Jimin? Will I always be the one to cower in fear at the sight of his flames, or the flames of anyone else from Hephaestus? Would I eventually meet the same fate as my father?
#bts fic#bts series#bts scenarios#bts#bts ff#bts fluff#bts fanfic#bts fanfction#bts jimin#park jimin fanfiction#park jimin fanfic#park jimin scenarios#park jimin#park jimin series#jimin au#jimin angst#jimin ff#jimin fluff#jimin fanfic#jimin series#jimin smut#jimin scenario#alternate universe
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She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Season 3 FINALE, First Impressions.
=slowly sits down with my head in my hands=
=heavy sigh=
All right.
Let’s do this.
When we last left Adora, she had been instructed to “go back to the beginning” without really knowing what that means. But first she took a detour (with Madam Razz’s blessing) to go get Glimmer and Bow first. And when she arrived.
Oh. Oh no...
At first I thought reality had molded itself exclusively into what Catra wants. But now we see that it was doing it everything, creating a superficially perfect world. And in Glimmer’s perfect world, she has a wonderful relationship with her mother, Bow is still around but working as an apprentice historian (which, uh, raises...questions), and...
...um...
...and her father is still alive.
We finally meet King Micah, and he is every bit the loving and supportive father and husband he’s been made out to be. I was already steeling myself to be emotionally ravaged by this episode, but that got me. And it goes back to what I’ve said a hundred times before: execution is everything. I’ve seen this trope so many times, where a main character wakes in an alternate reality that’s happier than the one they’ve known, usually complete with a happy relationship with an absent parent. And normally it doesn’t do anything for me, but because this show had worked so hard to make me care about these characters, seeing King Micah there with his wife and daughter...it got to me. And it’s interesting to note that the “perfect” reality is constantly remodeling itself. When Adora was in the Fright Zone, the invasion was well underway with her having led the attack on Thaymor that we saw in the pilot and they were all gearing up to go after Mermista. But since the Fright Zone had been consumed by the collapse, the invasion had never even happened, and those in Brightmoon didn’t even know what the Horde was.
Unfortunately the collapse is still underway, and it comes to Brightmoon. Fortunately Glimmer and Bow come to believe Adora and they make their way to go see Entrapta for advice, but not before Glimmer’s home is destroyed, and not before Angella remembers who she is and has to say goodbye to Micah for the second time. What makes it worse is the heavy implication that this Micah isn’t some illusion conjured up to make her and Glimmer happy, but might be the actual Micah, returned from the dead. He seems to actually remember everything for himself and realize what’s going on...mere seconds before he’s consumed.
Fuck.
Anyway, reality starts really breaking down then, and the BFS start getting shuffled around from place to place at lightning speed, all the while watching people they care about disappear. Fortunately, Entrapta lasts long enough to let them know that not only is reality collapsing around them, but it’s following Adora specifically since it was her sword that opened the portal. That’s why different places don’t seem to fall apart until she goes there. Entrapta also let’s them know how to bring things back to normal: they need to find Adora’s sword. Unfortunately, doing to will force whoever removes the sword from the portal to stay behind. When I heard that, I knew.
And well, they set off to do just that, but by then things have already gone too far. Reality is now truly fucked, cycling them through space and time. We see the old Etheria before it was removed from the universe. We finally meet Mara, hundreds of years in the past.
And we watch Bow and Glimmer disappear as well.
Yeah, I knew they were coming back, but by then I was so wrapped up in what was going on that it utterly destroyed me.
But Adora isn’t allowed time to grieve, because the long-awaited confrontation has finally come. Catra has found her, and she is so obsessed in denying Adora any sort of victory that she’ll gladly let time and space collapse in on itself and kill them all if it means that Adora loses.
Their battle through various various places we’ve visited throughout the show is in many ways a follow-up to The Promise, which was probably my favorite episode in the first season. They used to be so close, but now things have gone too far, and their relationship is all but unsalvageable.
It’s then that Adora finally realizes that she can’t save her former best friend. Catra’s just too far gone. And as much as I love Catra and really do want her to find some measure of peace, Adora snapping back that no, she’s not the one to blame for how Catra turned out and punching her with an emphatic, “You made your choice! Now live with it!” was incredibly satisfying. Because she’s right. No, what happened to Catra wasn’t her fault, but ultimately she has to start taking responsibility for her own actions and stop blaming everyone else.
Well, Shadow Weaver could still stand to shoulder a good chunk of that blame...
And then we get to that scene.
Well, you’re not wrong. And in the wise words of one of my childhood heroes...
I mean, I called it, didn’t I? I knew that the big tragic event was coming, and while I only figured out that it would be Angella, I still figured it out. But even though I saw it coming, even though I had time to brace myself, it still...
...
Fuck it.
Look, I have a very...complicated relationship with my parents. My dad is pretty mentally ill. At the very least he’s bipolar, and probably has several other things wrong with him too, causing him to be subject to sudden and extreme mood swings and paranoid thoughts. On top of it, he badly hurt his back when I was a kid which has left him in constant pain to this day, and what little details I’ve heard of his own childhood has painted him as being a damaged abuse survivor (sounds like someone else I know). As for my mom, well, she’s kind of like me, only a little less so. She’s a bit on the spectrum herself, and I’m pretty sure that even if she’s not outright aromantic, then she’s pretty damned close, and she has her own shit from her own past to work through. As such, he went into marriage looking for love, companionship, and support, while she was just getting married because she felt it was the thing to do, and she also wanted kids.
So while I’m glad that my brother, my sister, and I were brought into the world as a result, it’s clear that they never should have gotten together. Their relationship was constantly toxic and often mutually abusive, moreso on my dad’s end. And when you’re an autistic kid craving a stable and predictable environment growing up in a house that was anything but, when an offhand comment is perfectly fine one day but grounds for a full-on blow up the next, well, it’s...not exactly ideal. I was never physically or sexually abused or something like that, but one day he could be the goofiest, friendliest person in the world and the next one tiny joke will set him off. I mean, it wasn’t all bad. Hell, some of it was pretty great. He really did try to be a good father, and we shared a lot of the same interests, but he was a broken man in so many ways, battling demons that were just stronger than he was.
Anyway, they finally divorced when I was eighteen, and while that was pretty volatile, that was when I finally started to break out of my shell and develop into being my own person. Since then I’ve developed much healthier relationships with both of them. My mom and I have always gotten along great despite us sharing very few interests and having polar opposite political beliefs, and I still stop by to visit every other week to go to the movies or whatever. As for my dad, well, time, distance, and reflection have helped me to understand him better. I always knew that he truly does love us and was trying his best to be a good father, but he was sick and in constant conflict with his mind, with his body, and with his marriage. Nothing ever seemed to work out for him, and it got to him. But I’ll never forget this one story my mom told me about how soon after he had broken his back and lost his job as a result he would force himself to walk to job interviews despite being in so much pain that he could barely cross the parking lot, just because he felt that he had to provide for his family. I’ll always respect that about him, and while it doesn’t excuse the way he would often treat us when his demons took control, I understand him much better, and I pity him more than I resent him.
So, all of that big, long personal tangent to say this: I kind of am a sucker for stories about parental figures who are deeply flawed but do genuinely love their children and just work so hard to do right by them even if they don’t really understand how.
I bawled at the end of Logan despite not really being a big Wolverine fan. Yondu’s funeral in Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is probably the only time a Marvel movie made me tear up. Brave might be considered one of the lesser Pixar movies, it will always be one of my favorites.
Angella had been devastated by the loss of Micah, and that made her terrified of losing anyone else. It’s what caused the rift between her and her daughter. It’s what made her too scared to act. But despite labeling herself as a coward, she ultimately performed the bravest act, willingly laying down her life in order to save Etheria while trusting her daughter’s safety to Adora.
Oh, Angella, you were the bravest one of us. I hope that wherever you are now, you found Micah there waiting for you.
The portal is closed, and reality is restored. But there is plenty of damage to go around. That glare that Adora shoots Catra tell volumes about how their relationship is now. And just that sad look on Hordak’s face as he touches the stone (which bears the run for Loved in First Ones’ Language!) in the armor Entrapta made for him also said so much. You know, I never considered the idea that an evil overlord might have some kind of redemption story. Those are usually reserved for rivals like Catra or good-hearted minions like Entrapta. But if they go that route...I’m not at all opposed. At the very least he has a very compelling character arc, and I really do hope he and Entrapta reunite.
Also, while I am okay with Shadow Weaver working for the good guys now, I hope she’s not let off the hook for all the pain she’s caused. Catra’s wrong about a lot of things, but she is right about how it’s messed up that Shadow Weaver just gets to be one of the good guys after all she’s done. Still, I trust this show to handle it right.
But poor, poor Glimmer. She’s the queen now! She’s the head of the Rebellion! She finally got what she wanted, but in the worst possible way.
And as for that stinger...shit. Reality might have been saved, but Hordak succeeded in getting his message out. And now Horde Prime is coming, and he’s bringing the Horde, the real Horde with him
Well, I guess that wraps that up. I’m all caught up with the show and it’s about halfway through its planned run. Thank you so much to everyone to pushed me into watching this show, I thoroughly loved it. Now we wait together.
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My sister dropped off my niece last night. I don’t think she’s coming back.
To clarify, I haven’t seen my younger sister Mara in a little over five years. She was a little over eighteen years old, a few months pregnant, and was determined to keep her baby. I told her exactly what I thought- I thought she was a goddamn idiot and that she either needed to give it up for adoption or I’d drive her to the abortion clinic myself.
We had a screaming fight before she stormed out, saying she was going to stay with her baby’s daddy and that they’d be a happy family together.
Like I said, it’s been five years. Five years and a lot changed. I tried contacting her probably a dozen times, but when she sent me a picture flipping up her middle finger, I got the message. I gave up. If she wanted to live like that, fine by me. She ended up blocking me on Facebook, she cut off both our parents, and I figured I’d never see her again.
When I heard the doorbell I thought that one of my friends stopped by to return a book they’d borrowed a few weeks back, they’d told me they were almost done and that they couldn’t put it down so I expected them to give it back any day now.
I opened the door and there she was. I didn’t even recognize her at first. She’d gotten a lot thinner and had dyed her hair black, but I recognized that cheap tattoo on her hand and the dimple in her right cheek. It was my baby sister.
And clutching her hand was a little girl with rosy cheeks, blonde curls, and my sister’s green eyes.
“Thomas,” Her face broke into a tired smile and she pulled me into a hug. I couldn’t respond. I just froze. She stepped back and smiled even brighter. “Ariel, this is your Uncle Thomas.”
The little girl waved and smiled. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Uncle Thomas,” She said in a chipper tone.
Ariel. Mara’s favorite Disney Princess.
I cleared my throat. “H… hi, Ariel.” I looked up at Mara. “Do… do you want to come inside?”
“I’d really love that, actually.” Mara walked inside. “I can’t stay long, but… oh man, when did you get ripped?” Even her laughter sounded tired.
“Uh, three years ago, I wanted to get in shape, do you want something?” I didn’t even know what to say at this point, in the light it was clear she’d been through some serious shit.
Saying she’d gotten a ‘lot thinner’ is understating it. She looked skeletal, her once vivid eyes were now dull and too large, like they were ready to roll out of her skull. Her fists were all bruised up and she had a black eye that wasn’t quite hidden under thickly applied foundation.
“I’m fine. Really. It’s just been a bad week.” Mara gently pushed Ariel to the couch. “Sit right there, honey, okay?”
I’d never seen such a well behaved five year old in my life. Like a prim little angel, Ariel walked over to the couch and sat, her bare feet dangling a few inches above the floor. I turned back to Mara. “What happened? Where’s Bradley?” Just saying the scumbag’s name made me feel nauseated.
Mara’s gaze dropped to the floor. “He didn’t even see Ariel get born,” She grumbled.
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” I rested a hand on her shoulder.
Mara jerked away. “It’s fine!” She yelped before coughing a few times. She wrapped her bony arms around herself. “… It’s fine. I… found someone else to stay with… but I can’t… I can’t stay there… right now. Not right now.”
Oh god, what have you gotten yourself into, sis? “Well, you’re welcome here, Mom and Dad really miss you,” I said.
“Um...” Mara chewed her bottom lip. “… Can you do me a solid? Don’t tell Mom and Dad I was here. Really, it’d be great if you didn’t tell anyone. You work from home, right?”
“Most of the time,” I frowned, “Why?”
“… Can you please watch Ariel for a day?”
I looked at the tiny girl on my couch. My niece. “What will you be doing?”
“Don’t ask me that.” Mara shook her head. “Just… don’t leave the house. Don’t let Ariel near the windows.”
“Are you in danger?”
“Just- promise me. Please.”
At this point, I had two theories about why my sister was wigging out- either she had gotten in an abusive relationship and was on the run… or she had completely lost her mind on drugs and was a nutcase.
Either way, I knew I had to help.
“Sure. She can sleep on the couch, right?” I don’t have kids, I know literally nothing about caring for a kid.
Mara wrapped me in another tight bear hug. “Thank you so much,” She sobbed, nearly crushing my ribs before stepping back. “… I’ll be back tomorrow night, I hope. I love you, Thomas… and I’m sorry. You were right.”
With that, Mara slunk out the door and into the night, like she’d never been there.
This whole time, Ariel sat on the couch, her hands neatly folded on her lap as she kicked her feet back and forth. I coughed a few times before sitting next to her. “Sooo… when’s bed time?” I asked.
Again- I don’t know how to deal with kids.
Ariel giggled, and I saw more bits of my sister in her- the smile, the way her nose wrinkled when she was amused. “You’re funny, Uncle Thomas. Can I color?” She asked.
“I might have some colored pencils and paper somewhere…” Listen, I love that they make coloring books for adults nowadays, and I am completely in on the fad. So in about ten minutes, I had Ariel sitting at my dining room table with some paper and watched as her tiny fist clutched onto a bright pink pencil as she drew a shape that could’ve been a horse or an airplane.
I tried to fill the silence with conversation. That went as well as you’d expect.
“So, what’s your favorite color?”
“Pink.”
“Do you go to kindergarten yet?”
“I stay with Mommy. She’s taught me my ABC’s.”
“Do you have a pet?”
“We’re not allowed to.”
“Um, do you like snakes? I have a snake.”
That had her pause. She stopped her scribbles and looked up, her eyes wide. “Wow! You have a pet snake?!” She said with a gasp, her face lit up with delight.
“Yeah, his name’s Popcorn,” Finally, something I could distract her with, “Come on, let’s go see him. He’s in my room.”
Popcorn is a Corn Snake I adopted about a year back, a friend had to move and couldn’t take him with. Since then, he’s been my little buddy. Ariel squealed as I flicked on the light and ran to the other cage in my room. “Mice!” She pointed at the cage of small white mice wriggling around.
“Yeah, those are my other buddies,” I laughed as I walked up to the cage. “Come here, Popcorn...” I carefully lifted him out.
“Are we gonna feed him?”
I turned around to see that Ariel had one of my mice curled up in her hands. “Oh, honey, no,” I laughed, the mouse in question seemed content and it wasn’t like she was dangling it by its tail, “Popcorn already ate recently and uh, those aren’t the mice he eats. Can you put him back in his cage now?”
Ariel shrugged and gently placed the mouse back inside the cage. “Can I see Popcorn now?” She extended her arm expectantly.
“He probably won’t want to crawl on your arm, sweetie.” I knelt down and carefully lifted Popcorn forward. “He’s a bit shy, and-”
Popcorn naturally slid from my hand onto Ariel, twisting around her arm and I swear he never looked more content. My jaw dropped. “Are you a freaking Parseltongue or something?” I said.
“I don’t know what that means. But snakes like me.” Ariel leaned her face forward, slitting her eyes and staring at Popcorn, who flicked his tongue out a few times before slithering forward, crawling around her neck and hanging loosely there. “Father says it’s because they know I’m their friend.”
“Father? I thought your mom said your dad… wasn’t around.”
Ariel looked puzzled before she bust out laughing. “Oh, no no no! Father isn’t my daddy, I don’t have a daddy. Father is all of our father.”
I felt an unpleasant chill go down my spine. “… What… is this Father like?” I asked carefully.
“He’s very kind!” Ariel grinned and nodded her head. “He reads from the Book every morning and makes sure that we all know right from wrong. One of my friends, her daddy is the Father but he’s not my daddy. He wants us all to stick together. Last week, he chose me for something really important!”
“What was that?” I had to know. What the hell had Mara gotten into?
Ariel glanced out the window. “… Well, I’m not supposed to say, but…” Ariel giggled and clapped her hands. “I’m going to be the Daughter!”
What. I had no idea what to say to that. “Really,” I found myself looking out the window as well, almost expecting someone to be there, “And what does that mean?”
“I have no idea!” Ariel removed Popcorn from her neck and handed him back to me. “I’m hungry, I’m gonna get something to eat,” She said before running out of the room.
I settled Popcorn back into his cage and gently ran my finger down his back. “I’m gonna kick Mara’s ass when she gets back,” I grumbled before heading back into the kitchen.
I saw Ariel peering into the freezer. “Do you want pizza rolls, Ariel?” It might’ve been close to midnight but I had no idea when she’d eaten last. “Or chicken strips?”
I heard a crunch and the sound of chewing. “No thank you!” Swallow. “I found something yummy!” Another crunch.
Frowning, I walked up to Ariel. “Honey, you can’t just eat something frozen...” I turned her around and the words died in my mouth.
Ariel was clutching my bag of frozen feeder mice in her hands, her mouth smeared with blood. A small frozen tail was sticking out between her lips. She swallowed and it vanished. “They’re a little cold, could you warm them up?” She handed the bag to me.
What the fuck? “Ariel!” I grabbed a paper towel and wiped off her face. “Jesus Christ, kid, you don’t eat mice!”
“Why not?” Ariel cocked her head to the side. “Popcorn eats mice.”
“Well, you’re not Popcorn, oh fuck, Mara’s gonna kill me…” I groaned and put the feeder mice back on the top shelf, she’d have to dig past the frozen bread to get it. “How about we have some pizza rolls instead?”
Ariel pouted and crossed her arms. “I don’t want pizza rolls,” She grumbled. “Can I go to bed now?”
I ended up just putting Ariel to sleep on the couch. I was done. That was my limit. Children eating fucking frozen mice.
I woke up about midnight to see her standing over the mice cage. The lid had been taken off and her head was cocked to the side. I almost sat up and asked what the hell was she doing when she opened her mouth and something long and thin fell out of her mouth, plopping into the floor of the cage. For a second, I thought she had Popcorn in her mouth, but a glance confirmed that Popcorn was chilling in his cage under his lamp.
Ariel’s tongue slowly felt its way around the cage, slithering about until it touched one of the sleeping mice. I don’t know why they were asleep, they were usually jumping around this time of night. Her tongue slowly wrapped around the mouse and lifted it to her mouth. It hung limply in its grasp until she brought it into her mouth. Then it jerked about and I heard it squeal before she brought her jaws down on it.
That crunch was one of the most horrifying things I’d ever heard.
Humming pleasantly, Ariel skipped out of the room and back to the couch. In just a few minutes I heard her softly snoring.
I didn’t get a wink of sleep the rest of the night.
Ariel’s been a normal kid all day but I can’t shake that image out of my head of her tongue just dragging that mouse to its doom. I counted them to make sure and one was absolutely gone.
But what’s worse is that Mara’s not come back. I’ve tried texting her but apparently her phone number belongs to someone else now. And I swear I’ve seen the same car drive past my house five times today.
I don’t know what to do.
And I’m scared of what I’ll see if I wake up tonight and see Ariel again.
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Destination: None - Calichrome Runaway AU ~ Chapter 5
Pairing: Weiss/Blake/Ilia (Calichrome)
Words: 2′436
AU: Runaway
AU Content Warnings: None in this chapter
AO3 Link: Click here! (Recommended for Mobile App Users)
Summary: Blake Belladonna, Ilia Amitola, Weiss Schnee. Three girls that can’t be more different, but are each running away from something. It’s going to be a rocky trip, but these three have to stick together if they hope to survive with nothing to their name but a change of clothes and a beat up campervan. Ko-fi | Commissions
Three weeks on the road, 5700 miles travelled
11:56pm
Destination: None
Weeks to spare, nowhere to go. So, much, time to kill. What exactly can you do with yourself when you have absolutely nothing to do but wait for four months? The three had barely even made it through one without being bored sick. After a while, the novelty of being in a camper really did wear off, far quicker than any had anticipated.
But we’re safe. All things considering, that was a consolation prize anyone could accept. Being out in the middle of nowhere did have its benefits in that regard. To everyone involved, not just the famous face. To some, the silence could drive someone mad, but to the group, it was a blessing. Finally. Some time to just think.
There was another benefit of being in the middle of nowhere. No lights from the big cities revealed an amazing view of the night sky. One all of them were enjoying tonight. They’d pulled the camper off road, set up the nighttime bedding in the back along with turning on the heating so it’d be ready for their arrival, but no one was going to bed just yet. They’d taken the largest blanket to lay it outside, right below the midnight air, making the perfect place to lie for a look at the spectacled sky.
“It’s beautiful...” It was probably the quietest Weiss had spoken through the entire trip. “I’ve never really been able to see them this clearly before.”
“Nor me.” Blake smiled. “I’ve always kind of been in the suburbs. Was too light to really see a night like this.”
“Eh, I used to do it a lot.” Ilia tucked an arm behind her head in an attempt to get comfy. “We went camping a lot back in the day, my pap used to take me out and show me the constellations.”
“That sounds wonderful.” The words had a hint of jealousy to them. If Ilia had mentioned family weeks ago, Weiss might have been offended and left or had a rant of her own. But there was an advantage to all that wasted time they’d had together. She got to know Ilia. And Blake even. Maybe she didn't have the best family stories to compare, but she could at least humour theirs.
Blake looked over to Ilia in her position. “... Well?”
“... well, what? ” Ilia raised an eyebrow.
“C’mon, you can't just tell us you learnt constellations and not show us one.”
Ilia snorted at Blake’s remark. “The fuck if I still know that! I was as much a shit then as I am now, I didn't listen.”
“Some consider consistency a positive thing,” Weiss remarked. She might have seemed like a snob or a bitch, but she was trying. Again, the wasted time was very good at getting to know each other.
And by now they learned that was her attempt at banter, so Ilia laughed. “I’ll get that down on my resume when I’m on the job hunt then. ‘Consistent shit-head that stares at stars.’”
“Hey, I’d hire you.” Blake chuckled, continuing to stare upward for a while longer.
More silence. But it wasn't an awkward silence. No, not at all. It was more the silence you have when you’re doing your own thing but your best friend is sat watching T.V in the same room. Or when you’ve sat down the night and your pet cat just happens to be there and sits with you quietly. Enjoyable silence. That was something that could be valued a lot more than constant conversation.
But in a short while, Ilia pointed. “You see that kinda bright star there, and there’s a few around it which kinda make a wonky pentagon shape with legs?” The other two seemed confused, though after a while she felt Weiss nod, then shortly after, Blake. “I think that’s Orion. The three stars just above the legs definitely look like the belt.”
It could be felt that the other two were tilting their heads, trying to see what Ilia was. It was amazing how vulnerable Ilia felt in those seconds just for showing one of her interests.
But Weiss then pointed. “I think I see it, those three there that make a line?”
Fuck yes, validation.
“Yeah, that’s the belt,” Ilia confirmed. “Pap said Orion’s a good one to start with, cause you can find others using that one as a guide.”
“We’ll have to come out and spot them again.” Blake agreed. She hadn't heard Ilia ever speak of her parents in too much detail, so to hear her speak of his hobbies and her childhood felt good. It felt… weirdly intimate. But in a good way.
Maybe if she can start to open up, I can too eventually.
But for now, Weiss sat herself up, stretching out her arms and yawning. The night was clearly taking its toll. “I’m afraid I’m starting to nod off though. Do you two mind if I head back?”
Also sitting up, Blake started to stretch out also. “No, not at all. Starting to get tired myself. What time is it anyway?”
Once on her feet, Weiss glanced at her phone. “It’s… wow, just past midnight.” When Weiss looked back up, Ilia and Blake were both looking at one another. They exchanged a cocky smile between them, one that had Weiss raising her brow. “Why the face…?”
“Let’s get to the van for the night then you’ll see.” Ilia was already getting up, ready to collect the blanket from beneath them and shake it clean. Any other night she’d have probably stayed out longer, but not tonight.
Tonight was gonna be special.
A quick change into some bedclothes and brushing teeth, the girls were ready for the night. The rear chair was fully opened into a double bed and the passenger seat fully reclined to make it comfortable. Not exactly luxury, and frankly pretty shit whoever had to sleep in the passenger seat, but it saved them a few hundred Lien that would have gone on an equally shit motel room. They just had to make sure to change every so often.
Blake, however, wasn’t thinking about sleeping yet. She made a beeline for one of the upper cupboards, reaching in for something. Though as she looked back at Weiss, she glared. “Hey, no peeking.”
“You guys are acting really strange, just to let you know.” But hey, might as well humour them. As instructed, she turned away and covered her eyes, just to make absolutely sure she wasn’t going to see whatever Blake and Ilia had planned. It’d been a fair while at least, so by this point, she at least trusted they weren’t going to do anything bad.
There was fumbling around, brief muttering, but after that, they were obviously both stood in front of her. Fairly sure I can peek now.
And peek she did, easing her fingers open and looking through.
Embroidery eyes of a plush toy stared back at her. A white wolf, with some blue markings on it, something Weiss had seen on TV before but never really caught the name of. But the plush toy was fat and cute, perfect cuddling size.
“Happy Eighteenth, Weiss.” Blake smiled, holding it out toward her.
“Sorry it ain't booze, but we figured with your eye you’d had more than enough.” Ilia joked.
But the joke fell on deaf ears. Weiss had heard the birthday wishes, but other than that she was gone. She took the toy from Blake and stared at it for what felt like forever. It was just a toy, to anyone else it was just a cheap gift, nothing worth any deep thought and probably not any more than twenty lien tops.
This was so much more than that.
It was the gesture behind it that completely fucked Weiss’s head up. Blake and Ilia had nothing but the clothes in the van, the van itself, and what little cash they could grab. They didn't owe her a damn thing. If anything Weiss knew she more than owed them for the time she was allowed to spend here, the fuel they've used for her and all manner of things. Before two weeks ago, they didn't even know her.
Yet they still got her a birthday gift. They probably checked Wikipedia for the date or something, but they still remembered it was soon and went out to get her something, even if it was just a plush toy or something she didn't even really know. That was more kindness than her family had ever shown her in years.
“... Hey, wait, are you crying?” Ilia asked, leaning in once noticing a tear fall from Weiss’s cheek. When leaning forward to look properly, that was confirmed. Oh god, we broke her, oh god.
Weiss wiped away the tears, sniffing and trying her hardest to hold anymore back, but it was just useless. She was smiling though, even through a shaky breath. “It’s okay! You just caught me off guard, I wasn't expecting anything.”
Ilia breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh thank god, I thought we really offended you or something.” Then she took a seat at Weiss’s side, shrugging her shoulders. “We couldn't exactly not . I mean, being away from family for your birthday’s hard enough, let alone no gifts to show for it.
Actually, being away from family was the best part about this.
Up until the subject of Weiss’s family had been very sensitive. Either she’d totally shut up or actively turn the conversation away. All Blake and Ilia knew were that she had a dad she hated, an oblivious mom, a sister far away and a brother who was the golden child. The rest of the pages were still blank. Knowing that compared to how honest the girls had been with her so far made her stomach twist with guilt.
“... This is actually the first physical Birthday present I’ve had since my sister left.” Her grip on the plush tightened as she brought it closer toward her. “God, that’s… five years now.”
No wonder it hit me like a truck.
Weiss began to stare blankly toward the floor. Whether it was just how tired she was or a building of trust, the rest just came out. Nothing held her back this time.
“She joined the military as soon as she was eighteen, just desperate to get away from home. At first, I really hated her for leaving me. But when I heard how my father talked about her, I completely understood. Honestly, up until a month ago I pretty much made the same plan as her, at least up until,” She pointed at the bad eye. The skin had healed, but it was going to leave a permanent scar. “Funnily enough, having a bottle thrown at your face speeds things up.”
Both girls just listened. No words, no gestures, Weiss needed to let it all out. This cut ran deep, not just the physical one but the emotional scars. From a family that in the public eye was so perfect, it seemed unbelievable or crazy, but no one would ever run away without a plan if they weren't desperate.
They all had experience with that.
“The plan was as soon as I turned eighteen I’d enlist then move with her while I train. Even if I didn't end up passing, I’d at least be far enough away to figure out some other plan and find a job. Winter would have supported me regardless.”
“I was gonna say, as much as I support your plan, you don't really seem the army type,” Blake admitted, taking a seat on the space next to Weiss. “But work’s work.”
“Exactly. And it says a lot that I’d rather get shot at than stay in that house any longer.” Weiss tried to joke, although upon saying that, she began to think about it more. “Though, Winter seems to have done really well there. She’s been promoted twice, now has a girlfriend she’s moved in with… god, knowing she finally has a life now gives me a lot of hope, y’know?”
Oh yeah, they knew.
Even if this was just a journey with no destination in mind right now, their lives were going to be better. No more baggage, no more hurt, wherever they were going to end up, it was going to be fantastic. Might as well have fun getting there.
With that thought in mind, Weiss looked around to the bed again. It was Ilia’s turn to sleep on the passenger seat, but upon looking, she had a thought.
“... Why are we all taking turns on the shit seat when the bed has enough room for all three of us?”
Ilia raised an eyebrow. The thought had definitely crossed her mind before, but she never wanted to say. So she tried to make an excuse. “Won't that make it cramped as fuck?”
Blake shrugged her shoulders. “No more cramped than we usually are. And it would be better for our backs in the long run.”
“And you’re really fine with it?” It seemed stupid, but she had to ask. The spots on her cheeks turning bright pink again. “Cause, y’know… your ‘gaydar’?”
“Ilia.” Weiss had to resist from laughing but looked reassuringly. “We’ve all slept with one another before, just not all together.” Then she smirked. “Besides, considering how long lesbians take to actually make a move, I’m fairly sure even if you liked me you wouldn't do anything.”
It was met with a wince from Blake. “Ouch, that was a callout.”
“Alright, fine! Whatever. Just… Budge over then.” The callout was more than valid, but Ilia resigned herself to it. The bright side was her worries were put to rest.
As were Weiss’s too. In fact, she found herself getting rather comfortable once tucked in between them both, pulling the blanket over once they were all ready and bringing the stuffed Beowolf in her arms also. It didn’t feel cramped, nor did it feel too warm. It was cosy, comfortable… But something more than that.
It felt… right.
A few minutes in silence and Weiss was feeling herself starting to drift away. But that wasn’t before thanking her friends once again.
“Best birthday in years…” She said in a doze. “And the day’s not even started yet…”
The gratitude didn’t have a vocal response, but it earned her a small, sleepy smile from Blake, and a shuffle to get comfortable from Ilia. But a vocal response wasn’t needed. At that moment, Weiss was completely positive these few months were going to be an amazing adventure.
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FIC: i want so bad to feel steady
This is why he knew that Max didn’t die when he disappeared. (Neoscum/Alice Isn’t Dead AU, Tech/Dak, 1.7k)
(With all my love to Tam, who suggested an Alice Isn’t Dead AU a while ago.)
AUcember || read on ao3 || title lyric
#
“So,” Dak says, “where are you from?”
The guy in the passenger seat doesn’t really say anything, which is kind of par for the course. He’s barely said a word since Dak picked him up on the side of the road. But he does shift in his seat where he’s looking out the window, which Dak takes as a sign that he can keep going.
“Me, I’m from Chicago.” He drops his right hand and leans back to rest his elbow on the center console. “Big city! All the people, all the things happening. Thought I was gonna have a life there. Thought I was gonna do okay.”
Passenger Seat, who still hasn’t given Dak a name, curls in a little on himself. He seems like a nice guy, all considered. Sweet, round face. Nice beard. Old hoodie. Beat up sneakers, the kind that look like they’ve been worn pretty much every day since the guy bought him. He smells like… something weird, something specific, and his hair is covered in oil.
There are also tears streaked down his cheeks. Dak didn’t ask about that.
“I tried,” he continues, because hell, if he’s got someone there, he might as well talk. “I really did, you know? But you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him… settle down. That’s the thing about settling down, is it doesn’t just happen. It’s a choice you gotta make every day, to be settled in, and I got tired of making the choice. And so I went back to the road!” He lifts his hand, wiggles his fingers towards the magic emptiness of California. “Where I always belonged.”
The guy doesn’t respond, and Dak lets his hand drop to the wheel. “I got lucky, though. A lot of people never find anything or anyone they love the way I love this road. I’ve seen some great things out here. Some horrible things, but some great things.”
And then, a miracle: the guy says something. It’s muffled because his mouth is against his elbow which is against the window, but Dak can hear him answer.
“Gotta speak up, buddy,” Dak says cheerfully, adjusting the brim of his cap. “We’re all about open communication here! And by open I mean the kind of thing you can understand easily, all things considered.”
The guy props his chin on top of his elbow, still facing the window. “I said, mostly horrible things.”
Dak glances at him. He sees the bruises on the guy’s arms now, the way one of his hands is resting on his fanny pack like he’s protecting something. The reflection of his eyes in the mirror, not like he’s just staring out the window but like he’s watching.
“Oh,” Dak says quietly. “You mean the thistle men.”
#
People tend to assume that Dak is stupid.
Which, okay, it’s not like they’re wrong, by some ways of measuring smartness. Dak can’t do math much harder than figuring out how much gas he needs to get. He can read, but it’s not easy, because he gets letters and words backwards more than he gets them right.
But he can drive. He can drive faster than most truckers, and he’s done this job for a long, long time. He knows how to get shipments where they’re going.
He’s also good with people, which nobody ever seems to expect. They think he doesn’t pay attention, but really, he just knows what’s worth paying attention to. Someone’s favorite food or favorite color is nice to know, sure, but it’s nicer to know when a friendly hand on the shoulder is going to be that missing piece to helping them relax. It’s nicer to know that someone really needs one less thing to worry about, so that he can offer them leftover food or a ride home from work or things. He’s not good at social rules, but he’s good at reading people.
This is why he knew that Max didn’t die when he disappeared.
Granted, it’s not like Dak saw the kid that often. He got a job straight out of high school, saving up for his sister’s medical bills and for college and for whatever the hell else he wanted. Dak had some money set aside, too, because he always had a soft spot for those kids. Especially Max.
And then Max had vanished one day. At first people thought he ran away, but Dak knew he wouldn’t. That kid wouldn’t leave his sister for anything less than the most important thing in the world, anything less than her absolute safety. But he’d also known that Max hadn’t died.
His family ushered him to support group after support group, and after a while Dak stopped saying he knew Max was still alive. The kid was eighteen, he was young and it was tragic and whatever the hell else people wanted him to think, but sometimes people disappear and die. Sometimes people die.
The part that Dak won’t tell strangers in the passenger seat of his truck just yet is: settling down is a choice, but chasing after the ghost of your sister’s kid when you see his face on a national news segment is a choice, too. And hell, it’s hardly a choice to make.
#
The passenger calls himself Tech Wizard, which Dak’s not about to question because it’s hardly the weirdest name he’s ever heard. He’s also from Chicago, and he doesn’t want to talk about it. And the thistle men killed his parents when he was four years old.
(“I didn’t call them thistle men,” Tech says, after Dak explains what exactly a thistle man is. They’re men, sort of, but they’re… wrong. They eat people, for one thing. They walk kind of like marionettes with a stick up their ass and half the strings cut, for another. And they smell weird, which Dak hopes he’ll never remember again, because he never wants to be that fucking close to them.
“What did you call them?” Dak asks, curious despite himself.
Tech shrugged. “Nightmares, mostly.”)
He’s trying to get out of California. Which is a coincidence, because Dak is trying to get out of California. Specifically, he’s trying to drive his shipment to Kentucky, and if they take the right route that takes them through Colorado. Through where Tech says his parents died.
They stop for the night in northern Nevada, somewhere in the desert where nobody is going to bother them. Dak takes them to a truck stop and Tech doesn’t complain, just rubs a little more of the oil into his hair as he sets up shop in the back of Xanadu.
“What’s with the oil?” Dak asks by way of conversation, because he’s no expert but he’s pretty sure you’re supposed to keep your hair from getting oily.
“Heather oil.” Tech holds up a little bottle of it. “Keeps the thistle men away. Don’t know why, but I always carry some on me. My nana taught me to.”
“Your nana?”
“And it works.”
Dak nods. “You got enough to share?” He holds out a hand, palm up.
Tech taps a couple of drops out of the bottle into Dak’s hand. “What I’m doing is overkill,” he says, a little sheepishly. “That’s enough that if you slap them it’ll sting.”
“If I slap someone, I want it to sting.” Dak winks, and Tech inexplicably blushes. “So now you’re, what, roaming the country looking for thistle men to sting with your hair?”
“Not really,” Tech says, although he doesn’t sound upset by how grossly Dak has misestimated what his life is all about. “I just got tired of being one place. But I couldn’t do this without trying to… to… protect myself.”
He’s lying, at least a little bit. But it doesn’t sound like he’s lying about any of the important parts, so Dak lets it go. “What are you going to do if you find them?”
Tech goes still. He’s sitting on Dak’s futon, wearing a pair of Dak’s sweatpants that are too short on him, wearing the same hoodie that he was wearing when Dak found him. He doesn’t look vulnerable but he looks like he belongs, and like he doesn’t know what to do when he feels like he belongs.
“I don’t know,” Tech says at last. “But I’m gonna make it fucking hurt.”
Dak barks out a laugh at that and sinks down onto the futon next to him. “You and me both, my dude,” he says, and Tech half-smiles at that. “Let me fucking tell you, I’m ready to give those thistle men some hell when we find ‘em.”
“You’re looking for them?”
“Not them.”
“Someone?”
“My sister’s kid,” Dak says, and hell, he wasn’t expecting to bring this up, but he’ll see it through. “Max.”
“He’s missing?”
“Disappeared about five years ago.”
“And you think you’re gonna find him?”
“I think-” Dak exhales, as measured as he can make it. “I gotta try, you know?”
“It’s a choice,” Tech says softly. When Dak turns, he’s looking at him like he understands. Like he, more than any other person in Dak’s whole life, understands why Dak uprooted his life and his relationship to try and find a ghost of Max in the wind. “And you made your choice.”
Tech doesn’t look too surprised when Dak reaches a hand out and hooks it behind his neck, but he still breathes in sharply before Dak’s lips meet his. He smells like heather, so much that it’s overwhelming. He also tastes not like heather but like essential oil, and it’s kind of gross, honestly. But his mouth is slick and warm against Dak’s, and his lips part into a sigh as Dak kisses him.
“That was a choice, too,” Dak says, more or less mumbling against Tech’s mouth. “Thought we could use it.”
“You thought right,” Tech says, and then he’s kissing Dak again. Because even if the rest of the world is open and terrifying and full of thistle men and things Dak can’t understand, they can still have this. They can have heather oil and each other, a shield against the danger.
#neoscum#neoscum fic#dak x tech#aucember18#waveridden.fic#i've had a long day so if this doesn't make sense........ neither did half of last year's#also tam fully did recommend this au a while ago which is wild because they don't listen to alice isn't dead OR neoscum#i cannot find the texts in my phone for some reason??? but they suggested it and i sort of. took it and ran with it.#anyways i'm going to go find something chocolate to reward myself. have a good night y'all
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The War Followed You Home
Requested by anonymous:
“I hope requests are still open! 😊 so i’d like an imagine where the reader was a soldier with frank castle, and when they came back and frank lost his family she helped him with his revenge and they get romantically involved. You writing is brilliant, love you 😍 (Sorry for my english ☺)”
Warnings: Blood (duh it’s Frank), fluff, swearing, slight angst, badass& soldier!reader (of course it’s me)
Notes: YAY FRANK MY BABY <3 This request has been sitting in my inbox for months and I finally wrote it yay
What do you do when the war follows you home?
No, not in the metaphorical sense. In the literal ‘standing in front of you in the form of your former partner’ sense.
Frank Castle had no fucking clue.
Lieutenant *yn* *yln* was all you could ask for in a partner. She was loyal, quick witted, fierce and had a strangely good sense of humour given the circumstances they were placed in most of the time overseas. For Frank, *yn* was the only person he truly cared about whilst he was in the Marine Corps, yeah it hurt when his other team members were killed, but *yn* was the only one that would’ve truly effected him. The two worked damn well together too and she was just as bit as heroic and self sacrificing as he was - hell she’d been awarded the Navy Cross alongside him for gods sake.
But eventually Frank managed to escape the war and he was finally able to return home to his wife and children and thoughts of *yn* almost completely vanished from his mind. Almost. He’d never really thought about what would have happened to her, he’d just assumed she would’ve gone home to her family, or boyfriend, or kept serving.
What he didn’t expect is that a year later she’d be standing right in front of him in the back of a butcher which doubled as the hideout for the Mexican cartel with a lopsided grin on her face and an all too familiar glint in her eye.
“I gotta say Castle, I’m a little hurt I wasn’t invited to the barbecue.” She spoke, her eyes flitting briefly to the limp bodies strung up like livestock with meathooks piercing through their chests before looking back up at Frank.
“The hell are you doin’ here *yln*?” He asked gruffly unable to hide the confusion and surprise that was etched across his face.
A loud shot echoed through the room with a loud bang. Frank looked over his shoulder at one of his victims who now had a fresh bullet wound in his chest, a brandished knife that would’ve found it’s way into Frank’s neck in the next few seconds.
“Saving your ass, as usual.” She smirked as she lowered her gun and slid it back into her pants. “Hope you aren’t growing sloppy Castle.”
The sound of the front door opening made Frank snap his head towards the entrance of the store room for a few moments before he turned back to look at *yn* to see that the space that only seconds ago was occupied by *yn* was now empty.
“You gotta be shitting me.” He grumbled.
“Don’t look at me like that, you ain’t getting any.” Frank spoke as he shoved a spoonful of cold beans into his mouth.
A whine followed.
“I’m serious Max, you got your own. Don’t be a greedy shitbag.” Frank scolded as he glanced down at his unconventionally adopted dog who was currently begging for some of his food.
A knock at the door made Frank’s muscles tense and Max to growl deeply, his attention immediately fixated on the door. “The fuck is this now.” Frank muttered as he dumped the beans onto the table and grabbed a small handgun off the table.
He gripped the door handle and ripped the door open, his gun pointed in preparation to shoot however was behind it.
“Is that how you greet all your guests?”
“Jes-” Frank cut himself off and immediately lowered his gun when he realised who it was. “How the fuck do you know where I live?” He questioned.
“You aren’t exactly hard to track down Francis.” She shrugged nonchalantly as she slid past him and into his small apartment. “I’m living for the decor by the way.” She spoke as her eyes glided over the cases upon cases of weapons that were scattered around his apartment.
A soft gasp escaped her lips when her eyes fell on Max who was now wagging his tail in excitement. So much for being a good guard dog.
“Hello cutie.” *yn* cooed as she knelt down to give Max a good scratch.
“You replaced me with a dog? I don’t know if I should feel offended or sad.” *yn* grinned as she glanced up at Frank who had now closed the door and was staring at her with his arms crossed.
“I’m serious *yn*, what the hell are you doing here? And don’t bullshit me.” Frank answered, clearly not in the mood for her usual jokes.
“Relax, I just came home from Iran and heard about your family and figured you needed help.” She exasperated. Her features fell when she realised how insensitive she had just sounded and for the first time in her visit, she looked serious.
“I’m sorry by the way Frank, I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.”
“Don’t give me that sympathy bullshit *yn*. I don’t want it, especially from you.” Frank answered which made her roll her eyes. It may have been a year since she’d last seen him, but he hadn’t changed a bit.
“Fine maybe you don’t need my sympathy. But you do need my help.”
“No fucking way. There is no way in hell I’m going to let you get dragged into this mess, I’m doin’ this on my own.” He fired back.
“Do you realise how easily I was able to track you down Frank? If you keep going on like this it won’t be long before people who want to hurt you do as well. In case you’ve forgotten, subtly isn’t exactly your speciality. But it is mine. You seriously think you would’ve gotten half of those missions done back in Afghanistan if you hadn’t had me to help you plan? I sure as hell know I couldn’t have done it by myself either. That’s why you need me. We’re a team, always have been and always will be.” She insisted, her eyes boring deeply into his bloodshot ones.
“No.” He shook his head. “I’ve lost my family and I sure as hell ain’t gonna lose the only other person I actually give a shit about.” He continued and *yn* inhaled sharply as she tried to ignore the all too familiar skip in her heart beat at his words. “Just.. just go home, back to your family.”
“I don’t have a family Castle! I’ve been in foster homes since before I could walk, that’s why I enlisted the day I turned eighteen, so I could get the hell out of the foster system. So like it or not, you’re all I got left too.”
A thick silence enveloped the two soldiers as they eyed each other down. For once, Frank was at a complete loss for words. In shock at the unveiling of such personal information that *yn* had decided to conceal the whole time they had known each other.
Eventually, it was *yn* who broke the eye contact, glancing down at Max and giving him a final pat before shoving her hands in her jacket pockets and making her way to do the door.
“I’ll see you in the morning Castle.” Were the only words she spoke to his frozen figure before opening the front door and shutting it gently behind her. It was only when he heard a door outside opening a few moments later that Frank snapped out of his state. Hurriedly, he followed after *yn* and swung the door open with such force it was a surprise that it didn’t break.
His jaw nearly dropped when he saw *yn* opening the door of the apartment opposite his. The sound of his door opening made her swivel around, the seriousness in her features all but vanished as she smirked at him.
“The hell are you doin’ now?” He grumbled. “Max.” He reprimanded his dog before *yn* could answer as Max began to chew at the fabric of his pants.
“Oh shoot did I forget to mention that? I guess we’re sorta neighbours now.” She spoke innocently as she tried her best to suppress a laugh at Frank’s face.
“g’night Francis.” She continued before shutting the door behind her, leaving Frank standing numbly in the hallway with Max chewing loudly on his jean leg.
*yn* let out a loud breath as she exhaled, simultaneously stretching out her now stiff limbs that were aching as a result of her morning run. A sharp knock at the door caused her focus to immediately shatter. With a huff she rose to her feet, giving her back one last stretch before making the short walk to her front door.
Frank nearly did a double take when *yn* answered the door in nothing but yoga pants and a sports bra, with her face still flushed red from her morning exercise. He coughed awkwardly as he tried to refocus himself, running a hand over his buzzcut before opening his mouth to speak.
“I’m hitting the Irish Club tonight. You in?”
There was a brief moment of silence before *yn*’s lips tugged up into a smug smirk. “Is that even a question you have to ask?”
“Coffee?”
“Yeah.” *yn* nodded, knowing that Frank’s decision to ignore her question was a sign of his defeat. She glanced down at the lead in Frank’s hand and sure enough Max was attached at the other end.
“And we need to get Max a proper collar while we’re at it.”
“No, no, no. This isn’t turning into one of your little projects where you make everything over the top. Max is like me, only needs the bare essentials to get by.”
One trip to the pet store and four full bags later, it was safe to say that Frank lost that battle too.
“Unbelievable.” *yn* mumbled as she stuffed a mouthful of dry cereal into her mouth (she’d run out of milk and didn’t have Frank to go and get her more) as her eyes scanned over the words ‘Trial of the Century’ branded across the newspaper.
A loud gruff made her glance from her coffee table to see Max sitting below her, glaring at the newspaper. “I know, your dad’s an idiot.” *yn* agreed as she looked back at the article.
If only she’d been there that night, she could have gotten him out of the cemetery before the cops could grab him. But no, Frank had to sneak out and go solo.
Three knocks at the door made her eyes dart up in surprise and Max to growl protectively at the door. Maybe it was just her, but she swore that ever since Frank had been arrested Max had gotten way more protective - as if he knew Frank was no longer there to keep an eye on her.
“Coming!” She called out as she rose from the table, swallowing one last mouthful before making her way to the front door.
She opened it a crack, her brow furrowing in confusion as she opened it fully to reveal a well dressed blonde woman accompanied by two just as well dressed men.
“Can I help you?” She asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she eyed the three strangers warily.
“Morning, we’re so sorry to bother you but we’re looking for a Miss *yn* *yln* who is supposed to reside here?” The stockier man asked her politely.
“You’re looking at her.” *yn* answered.
“Y-you’re *yn* *yln*, the lieutenant?” The blonde woman spluttered in surprise as she eyed her.
Karen wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she’d uncovered information about the soldier that had worked alongside Frank Castle in the navy. Maybe an older woman with shorter hair and tattoos. She was certainly not expecting a very vibrant and beautiful young woman who looked exceedingly normal and if it wasn’t for the few scars that peaked out underneath her sweatshirt, Karen might not have believed her.
“Who’s asking?” *yn* asked suspiciously. She eyed the three of them as none of them responded for a few moments, both the stockier man and the woman exchanging looks.
“Sorry about my associates-” The third man, who she had just realised was blind, began. “I’m Matt Murdock and this is Foggy Nelson and Karen Page of Nelson and Murdock. We’re currently representing Frank Castle who we have come to believe is a past associate of yours.” Matt explained.
“Wow, your firm must have a death wish if you’re representing Frank.” *yn* laughed in amusement.
“Tell me about it.” Foggy grumbled under his breath which caused Karen to send him a pointed look.
“What do you want with me? You need to be let into his place or somethin’?” She queried, feeling herself growing impatient with the lawyers.
“You know where Frank lives?” Karen gaped.
“Turn around and you’ll find out for yourself.” *yn* gestured to the door opposite hers.
“Wait, Frank lives here? Opposite you?” Foggy questioned in complete disbelief.
“I know it may be hard to believe but he doesn’t slum it out in a cave or something like you’d expect.” She mused as Max began to bark at the three intruders.
“Max.” *yn* scolded, turning around to reprimand him meaning she didn’t notice the way Matt tensed up at the sound of the dog.
“Uh, Miss *yln*, could you excuse us for a moment?” Matt suddenly spoke up which caused her to raise a brow.
“Doesn’t bother me.” She shrugged before shutting the door so the three could talk in private and she could go back to her cereal.
“What was tha-” Foggy began but Matt cut him off before he could finish. “She’s it.”
“She’s wha-”
“She’s the one that can help us win this case.”
“Ok, what makes you say that? Does she have some sort of miracle working powers that we don’t know about?” Foggy answered.
“No but she does know Frank Castle better than anyone else. She lives opposite the man for gods sake and she’s looking after his dog so she obviously has a key to get into his apartment. Frank doesn’t really seem like the trusting type, so I’m guessing they’d have to be pretty close.”
“Ok wait.” Karen held up a hand before Matt could continue. “How do you know that’s his dog?” She asked which made Matt internally curse. How was he supposed to explain that in front of Karen? He couldn’t exactly tell her that he’d been out roaming the streets and saved Frank from the Irish.
“He told me when I questioned him.” Matt lied. “Wait when did you go to-”
“Guys we don’t have time for this.” Foggy cut her off before she could query Matt any further. “If they’re as close as Matt thinks, we need to figure out the best way of convincing her to help us.”
“Leave that to me.” Matt replied before pushing the unlocked front door open.
“Miss *yln*, may we come in?” He asked politely.
“Be my guest.” She gestured as she chewed her cereal. “I know it’s not much, but it does the job.” She spoke, referring to the small apartment that was only two rooms - the bathroom and then the kitchen, living room and bedroom all in one small square.
Karen glanced around, the apartment was extremely sparse with the only sort of decorations being dog toys lying on the floor and a few photos stuck to the fridge. Which upon closer inspection, Karen could see were photos of *yn* in her naval uniform alongside other soldiers - and right alongside her in every single photo - Frank.
The three lawyers shuffled in awkwardly, all of them taking a seat around the small coffee table that *yn* was situated at. *yn* eyed them as they moved, not bothering to offer them a drink. She had a feeling they wouldn’t be here long.
“So Miss *yln*, you’ve known Frank Castle for quite a while?” Matt asked, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, couple of years.” She nodded.
“And you served with him overseas?”
“Yep.” She answered, popping the ‘p’ nonchalantly. “What was your role in the Navy?”
“Classified.”
“What missions were you apart of?”
“Classified.” She repeated, letting out a small sigh of frustration. “Would you say you’re relationship with-”
“Look, can we just cut the shit and get to the point? What the hell do you want from me?” She snapped as Max pawed at her leg pleadingly as he eyed the cereal.
“Well I can certainly see why they’re friends.” Foggy mumbled under his breath but not quiet enough to escape *yn*’s ears.
“What was that, asshole?” *yn* hissed at him which made a look of pure fear spread across Foggy’s face.
“Um I- I just uh-” Foggy stuttered as his body froze.
“The point is that we need your help with Frank’s case.” Karen interrupted before Foggy could dig himself into a deeper hole. The mention of Frank made *yn*’s focus to completely shift from Foggy onto Karen.
“He… he’s not exactly… willing to help us help him.” Karen continued when she realised she had *yn*’s complete attention. “We’ve tried to convince him that PTSD is the best chance of him getting a lighter sentence-” *yn*’s loud snort cut Karen off as she shook her head.
“Good luck with that, there is no way in hell Frank’ll run with that. It’s insulting not just to him seeing as he doesn’t have it but to the people who actually suffer from it.”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what he said.” Karen murmured.
“Miss *yln*, we aren’t here to ask you to convince him to use PTSD, but we are here to ask you if you can give us any names of anyone who’s credible and could testify in Frank’s name.”
“Frank hasn’t given you any?” She asked as she grabbed a piece of cereal and bent down to give it to Max.
“No… we’ve all tried but he refuses.” Karen admitted.
“I’ll think about it, if Frank doesn’t want names, I don’t know if I could go behind his back.”
There was a pause as Karen and Foggy exchanged glances and Matt clenched his fists, desperation clearly written across all of there features.
“You know… recently there have been a few reported sightings of someone with Frank while he’s been… well you know.” Karen began. “And there’s been talk of it being a woman with apparent military training, and if it was revealed that you’re living across the hall from Mr Castle… well it wouldn’t take a genius to put two and two together.”
“Are you threatening me, Ms Page?” *yn* hissed, her eyes narrowing into slits as she eyeballed the blonde woman. “Because I sincerely hope for your sake that you aren’t.”
“We aren’t going to do anything like that Ms *yln*, Karen is just a bit on edge, we all are, our firm’s future is riding on the outcome of this case.”
“Well you should’ve thought of that before you agreed to take Frank on.” *yn* spat, her eyes flashing dangerously as she glared at Matt.
“Listen Ms *yln*, we aren’t going to force you to do anything. But without an authoritative alibi, there’s no chance for Frank and he’ll spend the rest of his life behind bars. Hell, the DA’s pushing for the death penalty.”
There was a moment of silence as *yn* soaked in Matt’s words. Matt and Karen exchanged nervous glances and held their breath as the silence hung over them threateningly. *yn* inhaled deeply, briefly shooting Karen a resentful look before glancing back at Matt.
“Colonel Ray Schoonover.”
The second the words left her lips Karen frantically scribbled the name down on her notepad. “He was our commanding officer, you couldn’t get a better alibi.”
“Thank you, and I’m so sorry for-”
“I want to testify too.” *yn* cut Karen off as she glanced between the three lawyers. “Two alibis is better than one.”
At her words the lawyers once again glanced at each other, guilt and worry spread across their features. “What?” She asked.
“Ms *yln*, when we spoke to Frank and mentioned you… well he- he was pretty adamant that you weren’t to be involved in any way. In fact he told us to not even contact you but we grew so desperate we had no other options.” Foggy admitted to her nervously.
“Well luckily for you, I don’t listen to anything Frank tells me to do.”
“Any further questions?”
“No your honour.”
“Do the defendants have any further witnesses?” The judge asked, turning to look at Foggy, Karen and Matt.
“Yes, your honour.” Matt nodded as he rose from his seat and buttoned his suit jacket up.
“What the hell do you mean you got another witness?” Frank hissed to Karen, who simply gave him a warning look before turning her attention back to Matt.
“I’d like to call Lieutenant *yn* *yln* to the stand.”
Murmurs broke out amongst the crowd when *yn* rose up from her seat, everyone clearly taken aback at seeing a young woman. Matt couldn’t help but smirk when he saw Samantha Reyes desperately scrambling around her desk with her lawyer, clearly not expecting another witness.
*yn* swallowed nervously, fully aware that all eyes were on her as she made her way up to take a seat near the judge. She inhaled a breath as she turned to face the full courtroom, adjusting herself in the seat nervously. She stole a quick glance at Frank to see him staring at her completely dumbfounded before she reverted her gaze back to Matt.
During her questioning, *yn* answered every question Matt asked her perfectly. Talking about her close friendship with Frank, explaining how loyal he was, even tearing up at the perfect moment about how he saved a young civilian boy from harm. It was safe to say that *yn* delivered a witness statement lawyers dreamed of.
Meanwhile, whilst Frank should have been worrying about his sentence, he instead found himself wandering how he’d never noticed how beautiful *yn* was before. Maybe because he’d subconsciously trained himself not to notice it because they were professional colleagues, or because he’d only had eyes for his wife, or because he’d never seen her dressed up. Maybe, it was a combination of all three.
“No further questions your honour.” Matt finished, sending *yn* a nod of encouragement before taking a seat back at the bench.
“Does the prosecution wish to question the witness?” The judge asked.
“We would, your honour.” Reyes nodded, standing up from her bench before approaching *yn*.
“Lieutenant, how long would you say that you’ve known Mr Castle?”
“About eight years.”
“And how did you find Mr Castle as a person?” Reyes queried.
“He was one of the most focused and dedicated people I’ve ever met. He was and still is entirely devoted to protecting this country. He always put me and our other team mates before himself, he’s a true hero and no one can convince me other wise.”
“So would you say that you and Mr Castle were…close?” Reyes queried as she began to pace around *yn*.
“Define ‘close.’” *yn* answered back, ensuring to keep her face neutral of emotions.
“Did you talk often? stay in close proximity of each other?”
“He was my partner so of course we were close. We spent nearly every second together when we were serving. We had to know everything about each other in order to have each others backs.”
“Now… you say you and Mr Castle were close, but was there ever anything more between the two of you? Beyond friendship?” Reyes asked and the question made *yn*’s face flush red in surprise.
“Objection! Your honour, how does this have any relevancy to the trial at hand?” Matt sprung up from his seat in protest.
“Is there a point, Ms Reyes?”
“There is your honour, I promise.”
“Well make it quick then.”
*yn* saw Matt grimace out of the corner of her eye as he slunk back into his chair in defeat. With that Reyes cleared her throat once more and begun to speak.
“Please answer the question, Miss *yln*.”
“Of course nothing ever happened, he is- was married at the time.” *yn* fired back, her eyes blazing with anger as she glared at the woman.
“Mr Castle may have been married, but that doesn’t stop feelings from growing. You spent so long together, it would only be natural. Did you ever develop romantic feelings towards Mr Castle? Remember that you are under oath Lieutenant.”
There was a tense pause as *yn* stared back at Reyes defiantly, painfully aware of Frank’s eyes burning into the side of her head as everyone in the room waited breathlessly for her response.
“I did develop feelings for Frank, but I never acted on them and made sure they didn’t interfere with my work.” *yn* finally admitted after a few moments of painful silence.
“Right, and would you say those feelings are still there?”
“I refuse to answer that.” *yn* snapped back as her cheeks turned a dangerous shade of red in embarrassment.
“Your Honour, how can we let the jury listen to this account when Ms *yn* is clearly biased towards Mr Castle? Of course she is not going to say anything incriminating against a man she’s in love with!”
After that statement the courtroom broke into chaos as Matt stood up to protest her statement and *yn* too began to shout at the prosecutor. “I never said I loved him you lying piece of-”
“Order! Order!” The judge bellowed, banging the gavel loudly to silence the now noisy courtroom.
“Ms Reyes, I’m afraid your request to strike this witnesses account has absolutely no merit to it. Now, do you have any further questions for the witness?”
“No, your honour.” Reyes huffed, glaring at *yn* in defeat as she slunk back to her seat.
“Am I free to go?” *yn* queried, staring up at the judge as she desperately tried to blink back the tears threatening to surface.
“You may go, miss.” The judge nodded flashing her a look of what seemed to be sympathy towards her as she rose from her seat. Sniffing, she kept her eyes fixed on the ground as she stormed out of the room and into the courthouse, fully aware that everyone’s gaze was locked onto her.
By the time she had got home, what felt like a litre of tears had already washed down her cheeks. Sucking in a breath she turned on the tv and flicked it to the news as Max stirred and came bounding over to say hello.
“You fucking asshole.” The words slipped past her lips as she looked at the screen in front of her.
CASTLE FOUND GUILTY AND SENTENCED TO LIFE FOLLOWING THREATENING OUTBURST IN COURT.
The news headline starred back at her as she watched the tv segment in complete shock. He had done it on purpose. She didn’t know why, but he had. After completely humiliating herself, Frank had put himself in jail.
Clenching her jaw she glanced down at Max who looked up at her lovingly, completely unaware of his owner’s fate.
“How do you feel about a vacation Max? A long one.”
“Now that was a good walk wasn’t it Maxxy?” *yn* cooed as she scaled up the numerous stairs to reach her apartment. “What do you say we have some dinner and then watch some shitty reality tv?” She asked, grinning at the panting dog as she pulled the key out of her exercise leggings and opened the door as she took off Max’s lead.
The second the door opened, Max sprinted inside into the dark apartment. Shivering slightly as the crisp night air hit her bare skin, *yn* blindly felt around for the light before flicking the switch to illuminate her new apartment.
“Jesus fu-” She cut herself as her eyes fell on none other than Frank fucking Castle sitting on her arm chair in the corner of the living room.
“How in the fuck did you find me Castle? I moved all the way across town.” She snapped.
“Guess I learnt a few tips from the best.”
“What do you want?” *yn* asked, ignoring his playful town as she turned and made her way into the kitchen.
“To talk, plus you kinda stole my dog.”
“I didn’t steal him. You abandoned him when you put yourself in jail. And I don’t want to talk.” She dismissed him as she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and began to gulp the liquid down.
“That’d be a first.” He joked.
When there was nothing but silence he let out a small sigh when he realised how truly pissed off she really was. With a wince that made her finally glance up, he rose to his feet to make his way towards her. When he stumbled over *yn* finally realised that something was wrong.
Dumping her bottle to the side she hurried towards him and grabbed him before he fell on his face. “Jesus christ Frank.” She hissed when she noticed the large cherry stain on the front of his purple dress shirt. “Sit down.” She instructed, pushing him back into the arm chair before hurrying into the bathroom and grabbing her medical kit from under the sink. She hurried back into the living room to see Frank had already unbuttoned his shirt and was sitting and waiting expectantly for her.
The pair sat in silence as she crouched to her knees and began to work systematically on his stab wound. If she had a dime everytime she’d had to patch Frank up…. shaking her head at this thought she bit her lip as she threaded the needle and began to stitch his wound.
“How did you even escape?” She asked quietly, unable to stop herself any longer.
“A man in prison, he had information about who killed my family.”
“That’s why…” *yn* trailed off in realisation before ceasing her movements and looking up at Frank. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you involved anymore. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing you hurt. Jus’ wanted to keep you safe.” He admitted gruffly which caused *yn* to swallow and flicker her gaze back to his wound.
She spent the rest of the time stitching in silence as she tried to process the words Frank had just uttered. Her mind couldn’t help but wander to that fateful day in court when she had basically admitted her feelings for him right to his face. Could it be possible that he felt the same way? Eventually *yn* finished stitching his wound and rose to her feet to put her medical kit back in the bathroom, her head still swimming as she walked. When she returned, she was surprised to see Frank back on his feet and his shirt rebuttoned.
“You shouldn’t be standing.” She murmured as she took a few steps back, her eyes widening slightly as he mirrored her foot movements.
“It’s over.”
Silence rung out throughout the cramped apartment.
“What do you mean-”
“They’re all dead. Every last one of those bastards.”
Swallowing, *yn* folded her arms in front of her middle, squared her shoulders and nodded stiffly. “What are you gonna do now?”
“Well I used to have a pretty hot neighbour that lived across the hallway from me, I was thinkin’ I could try and find a way to convince her to join me for coffee.”
Rolling her eyes, *yn* forced a scoff to emit from her throat as she turned around to hide her blush and smile from Frank.
“Well if you take her to that diner that serves that hideously black coffee, she’ll probably leave the country.” She remarked as she grabbed the bottle of water and bent down to put it back into the fridge.
“Yeah, but then I guess I’d just have to follow her round till she said yes.”
*yn* couldn’t help but jump slightly as she turned around to find herself practically chest to chest with Frank, who had moved so quietly she hadn’t heard him move behind her.
“Oh so you’re a stalker now?”
“Hey, I’m just following the example set by you.”
“Oh you did not just call me a stalker! You know it was to help y-”
*yn* however never got to finish her sentence. Why? Because Frank Castle had hastily pressed his chapped lips against hers, cradling her face in his large and calloused hands. Before she could even process what was happening, his lips had left hers and he seemed to be just as surprised as her by his own actions.
“Sorry I shoulda asked for permission before I-”
This time Frank was the one that was cut off by *yn*’s lips smashing back against his. His eyes fluttered closed as he gingerly kissed back, the feeling of her lips finally against his felt damn close to euphoric. After a few moments, *yn* reluctantly pulled away, her breath ragged as she eyed the man in front of her up and down.
“I’m still pissed at you, just so you know.” She remarked which caused a small chuckle to escape the back of Frank’s throat.
“Guess I’m gonna have to find a way to make it up to you, huh?”
“Guess you will, lieutenant.” *yn* grinned before leaning up to capture his lips in another hungry kiss.
So, what do you do when the war follows you home?
Well, in Frank’s case, you welcome her back with open arms and do your best not to piss her off. Oh, and having a cute dog is preferable too.
I really hope you lovelies all enjoyed this fic!!! I am honestly so happy with it x As always, positive feedback is always appreciated which you can give back here :)
#frank castle#frank castle imagine#frank castle oneshot#frank castle imagines#frank castle one shot#frank castle fanfiction#frank x reader#reader x frank#frank castle x reader#reader x frank castle#the punisher#the punisher imagine#the punisher imagines#the punisher oneshot#the punisher one shot#the punisher fanfiction
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Where Your Love Lies
Tagging: Finn & Rachel
Location: California
Notes: A series of moments from Finn and Rachel’s relationship when they were in high school.
Finn was relieved to have the apartment all to himself for once. His mom and dad had gone off somewhere for the weekend and while he was pretty sure he'd be worried about his mom the whole time, he knew he needed a break. When Rachel had agreed to spend the night at his apartment, he was more than excited about it, especially since she told him that he could play video games with her. Well, she would watch him play video games since she wasn't too interested in playing, but still - he was excited. Rachel and video games were his two favorite things and he was excited for the night ahead. In preparation for their night together, Finn had made sure to clean the apartment so it looked nice and he nervously double checked that he had condoms in his nightstand. It had only been about a month since they had sex for the first time and while he was more than comfortable with her now, he was still a little nervous sometimes. His girlfriend was Rachel Berry and he had a hard time believing she wanted to be near him sometimes, let alone have sexual relations with him. It wasn't long before he heard a knock at the door and Finn gave himself a quick glance in the mirror hoping he looked alright before he headed towards it. "Hi Rach," he said with a smile as he opened the door, him shifting back and forth on his feet nervously before he quickly dipped his head down to press a kiss to her lips. "You look pretty," he told her as he pulled away, him stepping aside so she could move into the apartment. "I um - I know we usually hang out at your place but I'm really excited that you're here tonight. I know we've played Halo together - at least, you tried to play Halo but tonight I'm treating you to the fifth installment of the Elder Scrolls saga. Tonight, we're playing Skyrim," he said excitedly as he moved into the apartment, the game already loaded up on the TV screen. "Before the game begins, would you like anything to drink or snack on?" he asked her. "I'd be a pretty terrible boyfriend and host if I didn't ask." Finn adjusted his glasses on his face and smiled at her as he looked into her eyes, more than excited that she actually wanted to hang out with him even if he knew it wasn't particularly thrilling like he knew she preferred.
Rachel didn't know how she had started dating Finn Hudson, but she was pretty sure that it was the best relationship that she had ever had. He actually genuinely cared about her, he didn't just care about getting her naked. While they were having sex now, it wasn't like that was the only thing he cared about. They didn't even have sex every day, which was a little strange for her, especially since she was used to relationships being super intense, but she was just happy that Finn really cared about her and that he wanted to be with her. When she arrived at Finn's apartment, she smiled as he opened the door for her. "Hey," She said with a smile before leaning up to meet his kiss. "Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself," She smirked, her stepping into the apartment and looking at him. "You know that I don't care what we do. And hey, we don't always need to be at my place. I mean, obviously it's better if we want to fuck or whatever because no one is ever home and we always have alone time, but it's nice to... I don't know. To see your shit, too." She said, shrugging before tucking some hair behind her ear. "And nah, I ate before. If you're going to eat something I'll snack on whatever you want but I'm not starving. I'm okay." She said as she looked at him, moving over to him to kiss him again before moving towards the couch. "If I need a drink or something, I think I'm capable of getting myself a glass of water," She said with a teasing smile before sitting down on the couch and crossing her legs. "Alright, show me everything there is to know about the Elder Stars or whatever you said it was," She said with a small smile, her looking up at him.
Finn felt his face heat up slightly as Rachel spoke. "Uh yeah, the alone time at your house is nice. But I'm glad you're happy to be here too," he said softly. It was rare that Rachel came to his apartment because he just didn't want her to have to see his mom drunk and he definitely never wanted her to meet his father. The older man was horrible to everyone and the last thing he ever wanted was to be that way towards the girl he loved. When she pressed another kiss to his lips, he smiled softly and as she moved towards the couch, he looked after her with love in his eyes. He really didn't think that he would ever get over the fact that he was dating Rachel Berry. God, how was it possible to feel this way about someone when he was only eighteen? "I know you're more than capable," he said with a soft laugh as he moved to sit down beside her, him reaching for the Xbox controller. "Baby, it's Elder Scrolls," he corrected her, a small smile on his face as he leaned back into the couch, him leaning over to press a kiss to her cheek before he loaded up his game. "Okay, so since we're starting kind of in the middle of the story here, let me give you a small preface. The main storyline is that my character is refered to as a dragon born. Now, this term in this era hasn't been used in thousands of years - actually, not since the Septim bloodline died out. So my character is the first of their kind in all that time and the reason for this is because dragons have come back. They've also been gone for thousands of years and were believed to be extinct but really, they were lost in time. Basically in another dimension. So, as dragon born it is my duty to kill the main antagonist of the game who is a dragon named Alduin. He's trying to end the world as we know it and have dragons take over once again. Right now I'm doing a quest trying to find an Elder Scroll which will grant me a special power - known as a shout - that will help me defeat him." Finn barely even realized how much he was rambling on as he was playing, him just excited to have Rachel with him as he played one of his favorite games. "Like I said before this is the fifth installment of the series. Tamriel is the name of the continent that we're on and Skyrim is one of the provinces, basically. The previous games featured other provinces like Cyrodiil and Morrowind."
Rachel was so happy that she had Finn. He was everything that she really wanted and he really was just so sweet to her and he had her doing normal things. She was just not used to someone actually being a good guy and she was waiting for him to screw something up or be an asshole, but Rachel honestly didn't think that he had an asshole bone in his body. "Sorry, sorry. I'm not good with names of games, you know that. I was barely able to understand Halo, but I tried to listen." She said, laughing gently before getting comfortable against him. As he started to talk about the game, she honestly didn't really understand a word that he was saying, but she was trying to be nice and pay attention for him. He always tried new things for her, and she knew that he deserved to have her pay attention to him, too. She did pay attention to him, but stuff like this she just really had trouble relating to in the slightest. "I know that you play a lot of games, but I really don't understand why all of the games you've ever showed me have crazy ass names. Like... why can't they have normal names. I really want to meet the people that make this shit up and I want to ask them what the fuck goes through their minds," She laughed gently, her moving to lean her head against his arm as she watched the game on the TV. "So I mean... I get that you're supposed to kill that guy with the name that starts with an A or whatever but like... what do you do? In the game? I mean, Halo was like super crazy and you did a lot of shit in it but... I don't know. What do you do here? Do you just like... run around and kill stuff?" Rachel moved to wrap one of her arms around him slightly, her hand resting at her lower stomach. Rachel knew that her and Finn hadn't been together long sexually, and she knew that if they wanted to have normal dates to do normal things, she couldn't really try to tease him because he didn't take much to get him going and while she knew that she'd rather be having sex than watching this game, she wanted to be able to do things that he enjoyed, as well.
Finn felt like half of the time in his relationship with Rachel, he was waiting for her to realize exactly who she was dating and leave him. He was - well, a loser and she was - god, she was Rachel Berry and it amazed him that she loved him. It certainly terrified him to love her as much as he did because he knew if she did walk away that he would be totally broken. "I have no idea how they come up with the names. It amazes me how they create these whole words with their own histories and lore, you know? Like... the amount of time and thought it took to create all of this is crazy." Finn smiled to himself as Rachel leaned against his arm and he glanced down at her as she spoke. He knew she didn't exactly care about video games but it made his heart swell with love to hear her asking him questions and showing interest even if he knew she didn't really care all that much. She wanted to do things with him just as he wanted to do things with her and it each time they shared moments like this it proved to him that this was real. She loved him and she cared because he knew she wouldn't be this way with anyone else. "I mean, the game is open-world so you can freely explore Skyrim. Running around and killing stuff is kind of a basic summary though," he said with a laugh, him glancing down at her hand on his stomach for a moment before he looked back to the TV screen. "Halo is a more straight-forward, fast paced storyline than this but that's because it's an FPS - first person shooter," he explained. "See look? That's a dragon. They're pretty difficult to fight but see how cool they look?," he said as he fought off the dragon in the game, him smiling once it was defeated. Finn shifted his gaze away from the screen and down to Rachel and he couldn't help but smile. He was so in love with her and it made him so happy that she wanted to spend time with him like this. "You're the best girlfriend ever, you know that? I - um... it's okay if you'd rather we do something else, though. I know watching me play Skyrim probably isn't super entertaining."
Rachel looked at Finn as he continued playing his game, her just happy to be with him rather than to be alone in her huge house with nothing to do. She loved being with him, especially when she just got to be alone with him. She didn't want to worry about anything else when she was with him like this. "Oh, okay." She said as he explained more about the game, her offering him a small smile. "I feel like running around and killing stuff is pretty much the usual when it comes to the games that you play. Well, the games that anyone plays, honestly." She said, shrugging as she gripped onto the fabric of his shirt for a moment, her thumb rubbing against him as she moved her gaze back to the TV screen again. "Well, yeah, I mean, I feel like you could sit down and beat Halo in one sitting. Not everyone, but you definitely could," She laughed, her keeping quiet for a moment as he began to fight some dragon in the game. She really wasn't interested in the game, honestly. However, she was interested in Finn and she was interested in making him happy by supporting things that he liked. "No, you can keep playing." She said as he asked her if she wanted to do something else. "Babe, we do stuff I like all of the time, and I don't care if we do something you like. And I mean, you like playing the game and I just like being with you." Rachel moved her head away from his arm to look at him more fully, her offering him a small smile. "Plus, I mean, you're enjoying yourself and if you're enjoying yourself, so am I." Rachel leaned forward to kiss him, smiling when she pulled away. "I won't distract you from your game anymore," She grinned as she went to lean her head against his arm again, watching the screen once again.
Finn smiled softly when Rachel told him that he could beat Halo in one sitting. "The earlier games, yeah but, I mean, I don't know about the newer ones. You should see people who speed run games - it's crazy." When he asked her if she wanted to do something else and she said no, he looked down at her with a bit of surprise in his gaze. It wasn't that he thought Rachel was miserable watching him play video games but he knew it also wasn't the most fun thing that they could be doing when they had his apartment to themselves for the night. When she leaned in to press a kiss to his lips, he couldn't help but smile softly, his eyes fluttering open as she pulled away. "I love you so much, you know that?" he told her. It amazed him sometimes just thinking about the fact that Rachel Berry was his girlfriend. He had a crush on her since he was fourteen and here they were, eighteen years old and they were in love with each other. She didn't even mind sitting with him playing video games and while to some people that wouldn't mean anything, to him it meant so much. To him it proved she loved him because he knew Rachel Berry didn't do anything she didn't want to do. As Finn focused back on the game, he couldn't help but smile to himself as he felt Rachel leaning against him. "Hey, Rach? Do you think what we have is like... the real love that people always talk about?" he asked her softly. "Because I just - I don't know - I think it is. I think we might be it." Finn shifted his focus from the TV for a moment to look a her and he couldn't help but smile softly as their eyes met.
Rachel looked at Finn as he told her that he loved her, a small smile on her lips. "Yeah. I know. I love you, too. You know that," She said softly, looking into his eyes as she sat next to him. She loved him so much and she was convinced that he would be the only guy she ever loved. She cared about Josh, but that was never the end all for her. She knew that she deserved more for her life and after meeting Finn? She knew that this was it. It had to. She never thought she'd be the girl who would be in a relationship, but with Finn? She felt like it was really the only person that she could ever be like with this. She couldn't imagine just sitting around with someone and telling them she loved them with anyone else other than Finn. Rachel brought her attention back to the TV for a few moments before she looked back at him when she heard him speak again. "Hm?" She asked softly, looking into his eyes. "I think so." She honestly did. SHe really couldn't imagine anything else in her life and she just loved him more than anything in the world and she just couldn't wait to experience more with him. "I never thought that I'd find someone like you. Someone I thought that I could really be with and just... do all of these new things with. Because I- you're changing me, Finn. You are. But for the better. And I- I love you so much, you know? I don't give a fuck what we do with our day and I- I could sit here with you and watch you play video games or- or we could just sit and talk all day and I'd fucking love it because I'm so in love with you. And a year ago I never thought I'd be saying that to anyone. But I am now and I'm so happy that I am because I could never see myself with anyone else. And it makes me so confident that this is that kind of love that you're talking about, you know?" She said, her smiling gently and leaning forward to kiss him gently before pulling away and looking into his eyes. "We're still really young and I don't know, it's weird to feel like this, but we both do and I'm so happy that we do. Because I just- I can't imagine me being here without you at this point in my life. I know you're in my life for a reason, Finn. And I'm just- I'm so happy that you chose to love me."
Finn couldn't help but smile as Rachel spoke, agreeing with him when he said that he thought that the love they had was the real love that people always talked about. He knew that they were young and that they weren't perfect but he knew he was in love with Rachel and he knew that he had never felt this way about someone before in his life. When she kissed him, he sighed happily against her lips. It meant the world to him that she loved him just as intensely as he loved her. "It's just... it's crazy to hear you say that you're happy that I chose to love you when I'm the one constantly in shock that you love me. I mean - look at me, you know? I'm... I'm me and you're well - you're you. When we first started dating I was so scared that maybe it was just some joke but you just - you make me so happy, Rachel. I know you say that I changed you for the better but you've changed me for the better too. You - you make me want to come out of my shell a little and take risks and realize that I can have a little fun and still achieve my dreams." Finn smiled softly as he looked down into her eyes before he leaned in to press another kiss to her lips, him deepening it for a moment before pulling away slowly. "I think I'm going to be in a state of shock that someone like you could ever love someone like me for the rest of my life. But I um... I promise that I'll always make sure you feel loved and I'll always take care of you to the best of my ability." Finn looked at Rachel with adoration in his gaze before he set his controller down on the coffee table and settled more comfortably onto the couch with Rachel, his arms slipping around her waist. "I appreciate that you'll sit here with me all night and watch me play video games but I really want to focus on you tonight," he said softly as he looked into her eyes, him smiling before he pressed his lips back to hers.
Rachel smiled gently as Finn spoke, her eyes on his. She honestly knew that it was crazy. Everyone always looked at them walking down the halls and thought that they were insane. While this was the first time in a while that she didn't really care about what people thought, it was still weird walking down the hallway with Finn. She knew that people talked about him -- she had popular friends that would tease him, and of course, she always stood up for him. And honestly, she knew that the Finn they saw wasn't really the Finn that she saw. He was so amazing and so sweet and she was just so happy to have him. "Well, I'm glad I make you want to come out of your shell a little bit. I know that there's things that you'll never do and that's okay. Because there's things I don't want to do anymore that I know that you don't ever want to do. And... I don't know. Maybe we can do new things together, you know?" She said with a small smile. As Finn moved to put his controller in front of them on the coffee table, she smirked gently as he went to wrap his arms around her. "Mmm, I like the sound of that. And I mean, how could we not take advantage of the empty apartment?" She asked softly as she pulled away from their kiss for a moment. Rachel smiled gently before leaning forward to kiss him again, her moving to straddle him on the couch. "I'm more important than video games, huh? Proud of you for being the guy who's obsessed with video games but still knows that they can't get him off like a girl can," She laughed gently before pressing her lips against his and deepening the kiss for a moment. Her lips traveled to his jaw for a moment, her sighing contently. "Fuck, I love you." She said, her moving to kiss back to his lips.
Finn liked the sound of him and Rachel doing new things together. While they were pretty much polar opposites, they also had a lot in common and he was excited to keep exploring new things with her by his side. When she shifted on the couch and moved to straddle him, Finn smiled into their kiss as he held her close, his hands resting on the curve of her hips. "Hey, I might love video games but I'm not stupid. I love you way more," he said with a smile before they kissed once more. When her lips moved to the curve of his jaw, Finn's eyes fluttered shut for a moment. It felt so good to be with her like this and while he was still fairly inexperienced with sex, he was certainly more comfortable than he had been. "I love you too," he whispered before her lips pressed back to his. Finn kissed her back eagerly as he held her close, his hands slipping down to her thighs and squeezing gently. There was nothing that could compare to how good it felt to have her in his arms and he knew that he wanted this for the rest of his life. He didn't care if it sounded crazy, he knew that Rachel was it for him. God, he knew he was meant to love her. "You're so beautiful, Rachel," he whispered between kisses, him pulling away for a moment so he could look into her eyes, a smile tugging up at the corner of his lips.
Rachel loved being able to be close to Finn all of the time. She knew that it was weird to be with him. It truly was. Not even because he was who he was, just because she never really had an actual relationship like this. Sure, she had been pretty steady with Josh for a long time, but this was nothing like that. She actually felt like Finn cared about her more than just for sex. It was proof enough that they had waited as long as they did to have sex. Most people she was with, they started having sex pretty much right after she met them, but Rachel was just happy to finally have someone who cared about more than just her body. Even though Finn was definitely starting to appreciate sex, it wasn't the main part of their relationship, even though she was sure it would be the focus whenever they had her house or his apartment to themselves. As he called her beautiful, Rachel looked at him when he fully pulled away. She could feel her heart swell in her chest, her bringing her hand to his cheek, a thumb rubbing against his bottom lip. "You have no idea," She whispered out, looking at his lips before looking into his eyes. "You just have no idea what you make me feel like when you say shit like that, Finn. I've heard sexy and hot and perfect and just... shit like that but it's just... I don't know. It's how I know you're different. I mean, I still like when you call me hot and sexy and stuff, but I- I don't know. I just love that you're different, you know?" She said, leaning forward to kiss him again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled herself impossibly closer to him. She wanted nothing more than to be with him and to experience everything that they had to look forward to in the future.
Finn looked at Rachel with love in his eyes as she brought her hand to his cheek and he couldn't help but smile as her thumb ran across his bottom lip for a moment. He loved her so much and he really didn't think there were any words that could describe what he felt for her. "Well you are beautiful and I always want to make sure you know that. You're hot and sexy too but, you know, very beautiful," he said softly before her lips pressed to his. Finn knew that in previous relationships Rachel hadn't been appreciated the right way. She had always been in weird relationships that weren't fully monogamous and were with guys who treated her more as a body than the person that they loved. Finn wanted to make sure she always knew how much he loved her - how much he adored her inside and out. She really was such an amazing person and it made him so happy to know that she wanted to share herself with him the same way he did with her. He knew he was a loser in school but when he was with her he actually felt cool. He felt important and she was the only person who had ever managed to make him feel that way. As they kissed eagerly, Finn couldn't help but smile against her lips before he pulled away after another moment. "Should we go to my room?" he asked her with a small smile pulling up at the corner of his lips. "Because, you know, as much as I wouldn't mind staying right here, I won't be able to think of this couch the same when I'm sitting here with my mom," he said with a laugh before he pressed a soft peck to her lips.
Rachel rolled her eyes playfully as he spoke. "Well, I mean, I'm glad you also think that I'm hot and sexy because I'd be pretty offended if you didn't," She teased gently as she looked into his eyes after pulling away from their kiss for a moment. Rachel leaned forward to kiss him again and she grinned gently against his lips before she felt him pull away. Rachel was so happy that they were able to be with each other like this. While sex wasn't everything in her relationships, she knew it was a pretty major part of being connected to the person that she was with. She was more than happy with Finn before anything had happened, but she also knew that she definitely appreciated being able to feel good and to make him feel good. When he asked her if they should go to his room, she just looked at him and bit down on her bottom lip. "I mean... we could stay here, babe. Because I don't know, you sitting in this spot and getting turned on thinking about fucking me here kind of turns me on. But we'll go to your bed, I guess. So you don't hate every second of sitting with your mom in front of the TV," She teased, her giggling and moving to get off of his lap. Rachel went to pull off her shirt as she went towards his bedroom, her looking back at him with a small smirk. "Come on, Hudson. I don't have all day." She laughed as she started to take off her bra as well, disappearing into his room. She was more than excited for the rest of the day, especially being able to take advantage of their alone time without anyone at his apartment for a while. Her house was always empty, but his was not, so it was nice to have alone time in his own place, as well.
-
Finn couldn't believe that high school was over and he certainly couldn't believe that he was going to prom. He was going to prom with his girlfriend. He was going to prom with Rachel Berry. Finn knew that he had never expected this moment to happen. If someone had told him in his freshman year that he would be dating Rachel and taking her to prom, he absolutely would have thought they were lying to him. And yet here he was and he couldn't believe it. "I can't believe we're really going to prom," he said to both Sam and Artie as Sam drove towards Rachel's house so they could pick her up. He had borrowed his dads nice car and was driving extremely carefully and Finn couldn't help but find it funny. "I know, we always used to talk about not even bothering to show up at this thing. But here we are - and hey, one of us has a date," Artie said with a laugh. "I'm telling you, man, we can find a date there. Plenty of girls are going solo and we'll just try and find someone that way," Sam said, not taking his eyes off the road. When they reached Rachel's house, Sam and Artie waited as Finn got out of the car and rang the doorbell. As he waited, he nervously adjusted his tie, feeling more anxious than ever in a suit since it was so out of his comfort zone. He wasn't sure if her father's were home or not but he knew that he just wanted to see his beautiful girlfriend already.
Rachel had been to plenty of dances in her lifetime. She had usually just gone with a big group of people, though it had always been assumed that her and Josh were going together as a date. However, now, she knew that this year was a nice change. Being able to go with Finn and being able to experience this with him was just so exciting. While most people would have their parents doing everything for them the day of prom, Rachel didn't. Her parents were away, but she didn't exactly care. She got her nails done that morning and she had gone home to do her hair, and after spending a lifetime on her hair, she did her makeup. She didn't want to go too extreme, especially because she knew Finn would love it any single way. Rachel was putting on her shoes as she heard Finn ring the door bell, her opening the door and smiling gently as she saw him. "Hi." She said softly, her looking at him as she held onto the door. "You look really handsome." Every time she saw him and she saw his little smile on his face, she just never could get over the fact that they were really together and that they were doing so well. "My dads aren't home, so.... if you want to come back here after prom, we can." She looked at him for a moment before closing the door behind her and locking it, biting down on her bottom lip before turning around and looking to him. "God, you look so fucking good." Rachel moved closer to him and she played with his tie slightly for a moment before looking up into his eyes. "I love you. And... and thank you for picking me up."
Finn felt his heart stop for a moment when Rachel opened the door, his jaw dropping slightly at the sight of her. She was the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his entire life and he knew that he was so, so in love with her. When she told him that he looked handsome, he felt his face flush slightly and he smiled nervously, looking down for a moment before looking back into her eyes. "Thanks, baby. You look - you look - wow. You're the most beautiful girl in the world," he told her. When she said that her dads weren't home, Finn smiled softly. "I'd like that. I want to spent the night with you." Finn watched as she locked the door and when she turned back to face him, he felt his heart skip a beat once more. "I look good? You look amazing. I can't believe you're my girlfriend sometimes," he said softly. "I love you too. And don't thank me, I mean, it's really Sam driving. And, you know, we have the nice car because of his dad," he said with a slight laugh. "Oh! I - I almost forgot." Finn quickly held up the tiny plastic container that the corsage he had gotten Rachel was in, him smiling nervously as he held it up. "I know that - you know, these are kind of stupid or whatever but, you know, they're tradition, right? And plus, I mean, I picked it because I think it matches your eyes and you mentioned your dress color so I figured it would look pretty." Finn forced himself to stop talking before he looked into Rachel's eyes. It amazed him how she could still make him nervous sometimes but he knew it was just because he wanted everything to be perfect.
Rachel couldn't believe that this was her life sometimes, but she was so happy that to be close to him and to have these experiences with him. "Well, thanks. I spent the entire day getting ready, practically. I know you don't exactly care about me looking like a model so I just- I didn't want to go crazy. But I'm glad you think that I look good. I just- I wanted to look good for you because I knew you'd look good, obviously. Any man in a suit is hot, but you know, you somehow make it even better," She said teasingly as she looked at him. When he held up the corsage for her, she bit down on her bottom lip and held out her wrist. "You didn't have to, Finn. I've been without one during every other single school dance, so it would have been fine. But it's beautiful," She told him, her looking at it before she leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips. "We could have had a fake prom right in my living room in our PJs and I would have loved it just as much as going out. Anything with you is perfect, babe." Rachel knew that while she did enjoy prom, she also did just enjoy spending time with Finn by herself. Rachel went to her bag and looked at him after pulling out a tiny box. "I got you a boutonniere, but... it's not as nice as what you got for me." Rachel grabbed the box and she went to put it on his suit, her looking up into his eyes for a moment. "We don't have the crazy parents taking five million pictures of us, so this makes it a lot easier. And that we we don't need to hold up your friends."
Finn didn't understand how Rachel just seemed to get more beautiful every time he saw her but she absolutely did. "I wanted to get you one, Rach. I want tonight to be perfect," he said softly as he looked into her eyes before they shared a soft kiss. "We can always continue prom in the living room after the real prom in case it sucks." Finn smiled at his girlfriend and when she grabbed a tiny box from her bag and took out a boutonniere, he couldn't help but feel his heart swell with love. "I love it, Rach. And I love that you got it for me," he said, looking down as she pinned it to his suit. "I guess that's one nice thing about having absent parents, right? We don't have to have people taking pictures of us all night." Finn smiled softly at Rachel before he took her hand in his and led her towards the car. He helped her inside before he moved to sit beside her, him still amazed that this was really happening. "Wow, Rachel, you look great," Sam said, Artie nodding in agreement. "I still can't believe that one of us has a girlfriend let alone a date to prom," Artie said as he looked back at them. "I mean, I thought it would be me but I'm happy for you, Finn," he said jokingly, causing Finn to laugh. "Hey, I can't believe it either." As Sam started driving towards the venue where prom was being held, Finn looked down and Rachel and smiled softly at her before he dipped his head down to press a kiss to her lips. "I love you," he whispered. "Tonight is going to be perfect."
Rachel managed a soft laugh as Finn spoke about their parents being gone. "Yeah, I guess that's true. I mean, not having them around is good for a lot of reasons. Some that I'm sure we'll explore tonight," She said with a soft laugh as she looked up into his eyes. Once they got back to the car, Rachel leaned against him slightly and leaned her head against his shoulder for a moment. "Thanks, guys. I mean, I only slaved over the way I looked today for half of the morning." Rachel looked at them as she sat next to Finn before she went to sit up fully again. "Hey, come on, I really don't think it's that odd that Finn has a girlfriend. Plus, you guys are really nice and it's not like you're bad looking. You guys can totally get a date if you tried. And you can try and find some girl there. Because a lot of girls at places like this are always down to fuck or find some random guy to dance with. I wouldn't be scared of finding someone," She said with a soft laugh before looking over at Finn. "Love you, too. So much." She said, looking at Finn and going to kiss him again after he pulled away. "It's gonna be really perfect," She said as her hand moved to his leg for a moment before pulling away with a slight smirk and looking forward. "It'll be fun, guys. And I mean, it's not like you need to leave us alone all night, I don't care if we're not by ourselves. I mean, we all came together, obviously. We can all hang out and stuff when we're there."
Finn laughed softly as Rachel spoke to Sam and Artie. He knew his friends wanted to try and find girls at prom and he really did hope that they could. It wasn't fair that people like Josh were the ones who always got attention from girls when he treated them horribly. As he focused back on his girlfriend, he felt his heart swell with happiness as she told him that she loved him back. He was pretty sure that he would never get tired of hearing that from her. When she moved her hand to his leg for a moment, he felt his body heat up. God, he really couldn't wait for the night ahead because it was clear what Rachel planned on doing once they left prom. "I mean, yeah we're all gonna hang out tonight but like, we also really don't want to hang out while you two are dancing or telling each other you love each other every ten seconds," Artie said with a laugh, Sam nodding in agreement. "Yeah, I mean, we love you guys but when you bring someone to prom the whole point is kind of for it to be romantic so we'll give you two space when it's clear you need it." Finn laughed softly at his friends words and when they finally arrived at the venue, he got out of the car before holding out his hand for Rachel to take. As they started walking, Sam and Artie walked ahead of them a bit and Finn squeezed Rachel's hand gently in his. "Is it weird that I'm kind of nervous? I just... I've never really been to anything that our whole grade is basically at and I'm kind of just, you know, waiting for someone to break my glasses or throw a drink in my face," he told her. "I just... I know how some of your friends feel about you being with me and I don't want tonight to be anything but perfect," he said as they started walking inside, him feeling his anxiety building slightly.
Rachel knew that her and Finn were all over each other a lot of the time, but she couldn't exactly help it. She always wanted to be around him and she loved that things always felt so perfect between them. "Hey, we don't tell each other that we love each other every ten seconds. And I mean, come on. I promise I won't be grinding on him the entire night," She laughed, looking at them as she sat next to Finn. "But yeah, I guess we'll be all mushy and romantic and shit." Rachel knew that it would definitely be a change of pace for her, especially because her other proms were so different. As they got to the venue, Rachel smiled as Finn took her hand in his. "Don't be nervous. And I don't give a fuck about what they think, so don't worry. I promise that it'll be fine. And if anyone ruins your night, they'll ruin mine too, and well, they know not to fuck with me." She said as she walked with him inside of the venue, her still holding herself close to him. "We look really great, and I know that we'll have a perfect prom. Because babe," She said as she continued to walk inside, holding onto his hand, "You know that I don't care about what other people think when it comes to us. I love you and I love what we have and I just want to have a good night." She knew that they would, especially if they just got to dance and enjoy themselves. "And if things get shitty or we're not having a good time, you know we can always leave and do our own thing if you wanted to. I don't really mind either way. I just want to enjoy our prom together and dance, you know?"
Finn nodded when Rachel told him not to feel nervous but he knew it was easier said than done. He wanted this night to be perfect but being around everyone in their grade scared him since there were a lot of people there who's lives seemed dedicated to making his existence miserable. As Rachel spoke he looked down at her and he couldn't help but smile softly as he looked into her eyes, feeling his nerves calm slightly. "I love you too and I know as long as we're together we'll have a good night," he said softly. When a photographer motioned for them to take a picture, he watching as Sam and Artie headed further into the venue before he stepped to the backdrop that was set up with Rachel. "I can't believe I actually have a date to prom," he said with a laugh before he smiled for the picture, hoping desperately that he didn't look terrible in it. "Let's go see where Sam and Artie are sitting," he said as he walked with her once the picture was done. Finn could feel people staring at them as they walked and he knew that there were still a lot of people that were shocked Rachel was dating the biggest loser in school. He didn't want to feel insecure but it was tough when he knew that so many people had no idea why she was with him. A shaky breath escaped his lips and he adjusted his glasses with one hand while the other gripped her hand just a bit tighter. When they approached the table Sam and Artie were sitting at, Finn quickly moved to pull out a chair for Rachel before he sat beside her. "Does this suit look weird on me?" he asked Rachel. "Because I - I feel like people are looking at me," he said before he looked down, attempting to adjust his tie or fix anything that might be amiss. "Wow, would you look at that." Finn felt himself shrink at the sound of Josh's voice and as he looked up at him, he felt himself growing even more anxious. Maybe prom was a mistake. "You clean up nice, Berry," Josh said with a smirk. "And you're still doing your charity work," he added as he gestured to Finn. He kept his gaze firmly on the table, knowing that he really didn't want to have to deal with Josh tonight. "Just thought I'd let you know that if you want to have a real party after this, there will be one at my house. You're invited but, you know, that dress isn't," Josh said with a smirk.
Rachel didn't want Finn to feel awkward about this entire thing. She didn't want him to feel weird that he was at prom with her or feel as if everyone was judging him. She just wanted him to enjoy himself and to just have this amazing memory with her. She wanted to be able to look back on this moment and just be able to say that she was so incredibly happy. Rachel followed Finn to where his friends were sitting, her still holding onto his hand to keep herself close to him. As she saw him adjust his glasses, she smiled gently and looked at him, squeezing his hand gently. She went to sit down and she looked over at him when he spoke. "Babe, stop fussing. You look good. And stop messing with your tie. If you pull that shit any tighter you're going to choke yourself," Rachel laughed gently before her laugh died when she heard Josh's voice. She looked over to him and leaned back in her chair slightly. She rolled her eyes, looking to her boyfriend for a moment before looking up at Josh again. "Oh, tempting. You know, the party. But I don't think you have to worry about me having fun later. Because, actually, I'm already going to a party later," She said, her eyes on Josh's. "And don't worry, the dress isn't invited to that one. But Finn can take care of getting it off for me." Josh laughed, rolling his eyes. "The dress is probably the only thing he'll be getting off." Rachel sighed. "Don't worry, he doesn't really have a problem in that department. Just fuck off, Josh. Let me actually enjoy my fucking night," She said, her turning towards Finn and moving to loosen his tie slightly, her hand resting on his chest for a moment. When she didn't hear footsteps, she looked back over at Josh. "Did you not fucking hear me?" She saw Josh roll her eyes and she could feel her anger start to rise. "Well, if you change your mind, you actually can get off later and hang with your actual friends." Rachel sighed and went to look towards Finn again. "I swear, I'm going to fucking kill him. I just want to enjoy you. Can we please just try and pretend like he's not here tonight? Please?"
Finn hated that he was such a loser sometimes. He knew he had a lot of trouble with confidence and while being with Rachel was certainly helping him, he knew he had a long way to go before he would feel comfortable in his own skin. God, he was so happy high school was almost over because he knew he was ready for college and the rest of what life had to offer. As Rachel spoke back to Josh, Finn looked at her with a small smile on his face. It meant the world to him when she stood up for him and it was definitely in moments like these where he felt the love she had for him. He hated that Josh always seemed to act like he wasn't good enough for Rachel sexually when Finn knew that he could take care of his girlfriend. Sure, in the beginning it had taken him time to learn exactly what she liked but he knew now and he was going to continue to memorize her and make her feel amazing. When Rachel focused her attention back on him, her loosening his tie, Finn offered her a small smile before he looked back up at Josh. "We can do that. We can - we can pretend that he's not here," he said softly, relieved when Josh finally walked away. "He just - he picks on the sexual stuff because he knows he can't live up to the boyfriend part of the relationship." "Why didn't you say that to him?" Sam asked, Artie nodding in agreement. "Because I don't - I don't want to fight with him. It's not worth it. I - I already won anyway." Finn turned back to Rachel and smiled at her before he leaned down to press a kiss to her lips. "I love you. A - And he won't ruin our night," he said softly. Finn shifted his gaze downwards for a moment as he sat facing Rachel before he looked back up into her eyes. "I know this isn't probably how you planned on spending your senior prom. And if you... if you want to go to that party later, we can. I just - I want you to have fun." Finn knew he wasn't the most exciting person, he wasn't the most fun person but he loved Rachel and he wanted this night to be everything she wanted and more. He wanted her to know that she could have fun with him because he knew once upon a time Josh was the person she had fun with and he didn't want to lose her because of that.
Rachel knew that Finn was insecure about a lot of things. However, things got a lot better. There were times where she could never imagine her life without Finn, which was definitely most of the time. She loved that they had grown so much together and she definitely loved that he had mellowed her out some. It wasn't too much, because she definitely still was insane, but she was happy to be able to be with him and to experience things that he liked, as well. As Finn spoke once Josh left, she sighed. "Babe, you really don't have to worry about shit like that, you keep me more than satisfied, he just knows how to push your buttons, that's all." She said as she looked at him before smiling as he talked about winning. "You're so fucking lame," She laughed with a slight roll of her eyes before leaning forward to meet him for a kiss. "Believe me, this is going to be a great prom. And I don't want to go to any lame party, I already know that we're going to have a really, really fun party later at my place," She whispered as she looked into his eyes, a smirk rising on her lip before she leaned forward to grab onto his tie, pulling him forward slightly to kiss him again. "I'm gonna have lots of fun tonight." She said as she pulled away. "Let's dance. I know you're kind of awkward on your feet, but you know, we can manage. We can handle a few dances. And some slow dances. And if we get bored, then we can go back to my place and eat random shit and just lay around in bed. Because I bought really great snacks for a little later and I'm definitely looking forward to just laying around naked in bed all night. So I mean, I hope you don't have any other plans tonight because I plan on keeping you really busy."
Finn laughed softly when Rachel told him that he was lame before they shared a soft kiss. He knew he wasn't the best looking or the most popular but when Rachel looked at him the way she did, he really did start to believe that he wasn't as big of a loser as he felt he was. She made him see himself in a whole new light, in a whole new confidence and while that was still developing, he was feel better every moment he spent with her. When she told him that they were going to have a fun party at her place later, he felt his heart speed up for a moment before she pressed her lips to his. Yeah, she definitely gave him a confidence that he had never felt before because knowing that she wanted him the way that she did made him feel so good. "I like the sound of that," he whispered, him smiling softly as she pulled away. When she told him that she wanted to dance, Finn looked at her nervously. He wasn't exactly gifted when it came to coordination but if his girlfriend wanted to dance, he was going to dance with her. "We're gonna see if we can find any fellow single ladies, you two have fun," Sam said with a smirk as he headed off with Artie. "In what world would I have any other plans tonight that don't involve you?" he said to Rachel with a smile as they made their way onto the dance floor. Finn looked around nervously for a moment before he brought his focus down to Rachel, him offering her a small smile. "I'm so bad at dancing," he told her. "This is how you know I love you, I hope you know that," he said as a soft laugh escaped his lips. Finn looked around at some of the people dancing around them and tried to mimic some of their moves and while he knew he probably looked stupid, he just wanted to have fun with Rachel, especially when he knew they only had the summer before they had to be long distance. "Did I mention how amazing you look tonight?" he said to Rachel, raising his voice a bit since the music was fairly loud. "I can't believe I get to be your boyfriend," he said before he attempted to start dancing again, trying his best not to look like he was struggling with what he was supposed to do. These were the moments he hated how tall and awkward he was.
Rachel laughed gently as Sam said to have fun. "Oh, don't worry. We will," She said before bring her attention back to Finn. She was grateful that he wanted to dance with her, even if she was sure that they'd mostly be just standing around and swaying to the music. It was one thing she loved about him and being able to be with him was because they could make the best out of everything. "No one is bad at dancing. I mean, Finn, we could just fucking sway here and I'd be happy," She laughed gently as she looked at him for a moment, her shaking her head with a smile. "You might have mentioned it, but I like hearing it." She said as she looked at him before managing a soft laugh. "Babe, I fucking love you. You're so awkward in the best way. Just like... relax. And anyway, guys don't even really dance," She said as she went to wrap her arms around his neck for a moment, looking up into his eyes before she went to kiss him. "Guys kind of just stand there and let the girls grind up on them all night, but you know, it's a little change," She said with a laugh before she turned in his arms to have her back to his chest, her hips against his. "This is kind of the standard, but knowing us, I don't know how long we'll last if we're on top of each other all night. Well, I'll rephrase that," She said, leaning up to kiss his jaw, "I probably won't be able to hold myself back, not the other way around." Rachel smirked before she went to run her hand through her hair, pulling it to one side of her neck.
Finn didn't exactly know what he was doing when it came to dancing and when Rachel told him that he was awkward in the best way, he couldn't help but laugh softly. "I'm trying to relax - do I not look relaxed?" he asked her quickly. "I told you I'm not good at this." The two of them kissed softly and when she wrapped her arms around his neck, he slipped his arms around her waist. "I just... you know, I've never been that guy before," he told her as she explained that guys typically just stood there while a girl grinded on them all night. While he had been to a couple parties with Rachel, no one was ever usually dancing and he ended up feeling so uncomfortable that they didn't stay long. He wasn't the guy who danced or knew what to do in environments like this and while it intimidated him, he wanted to have a good time and if Rachel wanted to dance, he was going to try his best to figure out how to do that. When she turned away from him, her back pressed against his chest, he bit down on his lip just feeling her body pressed against his. He truly had the most beautiful girl in the room and it made him feel so good knowing that she wanted him the way that she did. "I mean... if you keep doing that I might not be able to hold myself back either," he breathed out as she pressed her lips to his jaw. Finn kept his hands on her hips, him squeezing gently as he tried his best to move to the music with her. As they danced, he dipped his head down to press soft kisses along the curve of her shoulder, trailing them slowly to her neck. "I kinda like dancing now," he whispered softly in her ear, him smiling for a moment before he resumed his gentle kisses to her soft skin.
Rachel obviously knew that her boyfriend wasn't exactly the most popular kid in school. However, she didn't care. She didn't care how experienced he was with certain things and she didn't care whether or not he liked things that she did. She just loved him and loved how they both were with each other and she just wanted to be able to introduce him to things while he introduced her to new things, as well. As she moved against him and he commented about not being able to hold himself back, she felt a small smirk rise against her lips. "Mmm, good. That sounds like a good plan. I mean, I did spend a lot of money on this dress so we'll have to stay for a little bit but us leaving early and going home definitely sounds like a plan. This may be a good party to some, but I mean, I think we know how to party a little better than this." She said as she felt him squeeze her hips slightly. She let her eyes shut for a moment as his lips moved along her shoulder before she laughed gently at his words. "Mm, I knew you would." She said before she opened her eyes, looking around her for a moment before she caught Josh's eyes. Rachel had been with Josh long enough to know his looks. And this was one that previously would get her going because she'd know exactly what he wanted. Her. And at one point, she would have dropped everything for that gaze, but not now. Not when she knew that someone else could give her everything so much better than he could. "I think dancing is way better with you," She said, her hands moving to his on her hips for a moment before she turned around in his arms and went to look into his eyes for a moment before leaning forward to kiss him gently. "I love you. I know that this isn't exactly the first place you'd want to be, but I'm really happy that we're here. That I'm here with you."
Finn couldn't help but smile as Rachel said that they knew how to party a little better than this. He was definitely excited for the night ahead of them, that much was for sure. While the whole prom part of the night made him a little uncomfortable, he was happy to be spending time with Rachel and he loved knowing that she was his girlfriend - he loved knowing she wanted everyone to see that he was her boyfriend, too. He laughed softly as she spoke, him trying his best to move with her hips as she danced against him. Obviously he knew he wasn't great at dancing but he finally felt like he was getting the hang of it for the most part. "I think dancing is better with you too. Although, I mean, I only really know dancing with you but I'm happy with that experience level," he said with a laugh as she turned in his arms. Finn smiled at her as their eyes met and when she leaned up to press her lips to his, he kissed her back tenderly. "I love you too," he said softly, him feeling his heart swell with love as he looked down at her. "I'm happy anywhere if I'm with you, Rach. This might be... you know, out of my comfort zone but, I don't care. I love you, you look beautiful and this whole night is worth it because of you." Finn looked down at her with a small smile before he dipped his head down to press a kiss to her lips, deepening it for a moment before he pulled away and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I swear I'm going to love you for the rest of my life," he breathed out. "Because I know that nothing else will ever make me feel the way you do."
Rachel knew that they had a lot to look forward to with the night still. Obviously, things weren't going to be boring when it came to them. While he was a lot more mellow, honestly, sometimes she would have preferred to do what he wanted to do. Sitting down and just being near him or watching him play video games was just everything that she needed. She just wanted him and everything that he wanted. "Me too. And I just- I'm glad it's out of your comfort zone. I don't want to push you, but I want you to do more things with me. I love that you are." She said as she looked at him before she went to meet him for a kiss, her smiling as he pulled away and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I hope you do. I really hope you do." She really didn't know what she'd do without someone in her life like Finn. Someone like Josh was fun, but he wasn't someone that she'd be able to be with for the rest of her life. It wasn't a meaningful relationship, it just used to be good sex and someone who had the same dream as her. But now? Now everything was just so much better and she felt like she really found something that was going to last. Rachel knew that they probably looked incredibly lame just practically standing on the dance floor, but as the song changed to a slow one, she figured that they at least looked a little more normal. "All I ever wanted was you. And I mean, I would go through all of the shitty guys I was ever with to get to this point. To you. And that's so fucking cheesy but I don't know. I mean, we just- we work, you know? I would have never believed that I'd be dancing with you at prom when I was a freshman. I wouldn't have thought that I'd be having you take me home later. But I mean, here we are. And believe me, I want this with you. For the rest of my life. And you know I don't say shit like that and I- I really mean it, Finn. You're so fucking scary to me sometimes because this is shit that I never thought I'd have and it's just fucking wild that I get to have it with you. I mean, you fucking bought me a corsage and we're at prom. That's more than I could have ever asked for."
Finn knew if someone had told him when he was a freshman that he would be taking Rachel Berry - his girlfriend - to his senior prom that he would have thought they were crazy. But this was real life. This was happening and he knew he had never felt like this before. No one had ever loved him before, not the way Rachel did and he knew that now that he had found her that he never wanted to let her go. He knew they were young and he knew they had a lot of life left to live but he was so, so certain that he wanted to live it all with her. He wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. When the song changed to a slow one, he kept his hands around her waist as he attempted to sway to the music accordingly with her, him looking down into her eyes. "I like it when you're cheesy," he said with a small smile on his face. "A-And, Rachel, believe me, I never thought I'd be here with you either. I thought - I thought that on prom night I'd be at home. I never thought that I'd have a girlfriend let alone fall in love with the most amazing girl on the planet and have her love me back." Finn looked down for a moment before he looked back into her eyes. "I wish you didn't have to deal with shitty guys in your past but I promise that you'll never have to again. You deserve the world, Rachel and I mean that. You're... you're so special a-and beautiful and intelligent and you make me laugh and I just - I really do mean it too when I say that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life making sure you're happy and loved." Finn smiled for a moment before he leaned down to kiss her slowly, him resting his forehead against hers for a moment as he pulled away. "I love you more than anything," he whispered. "I still can't believe that I'm at prom with Rachel Berry." A playful smile formed on his face as he pulled away from her slightly so he could look down at her, him running his hand up along her back to play with the ends of her hair. "You're so beautiful, you know? You're stunning," he told her, knowing that he would be in awe of this moment with her for the rest of his life.
Rachel wanted to believe that things would be perfect. She wanted to picture herself with Finn for years and years to come, and honestly, it was easy to. It was easy to imagine herself just chilling at home with him or sharing a home with him because that was what she wanted. Finn was the one guy who made her believe that it was all possible for her because a couple of years ago, she really didn't think it was. As Finn spoke, she could feel her heart swell with love and she knew that she was never happier in her life with anyone else. He just made her feel so loved and so appreciated and he made her feel like she was good for more than just a night in bed. Hell, they had been all over each other and all lovey-dovey right after they got together, they didn't need the sex to feel like that. That was what made her sure that Finn was different. "Well, you're also incredibly hot and very, very handsome so I think we both got pretty lucky," She said softly as she looked at him, a small smile on her lips. "If you don't want to dance or do anything crazy, we don't have to, babe. We can just sit for a while if you want. I'm cool to do anything. And if you ever get bored, I'm always down to leave. Just you know, not yet." She added at the end with a soft laugh. "It just feels really good to be here and to know that this bullshit is almost over. School. Seeing all of these people. Then we can just focus on us for a while."
Finn felt his face flush slightly when Rachel told him that he was hot and very handsome. He was pretty sure that he'd never get used to her saying those things about him. "Rach, I want to do whatever you want to do tonight. As much as I don't really feel comfortable dancing, I want tonight to be perfect so that when we look back on it one day we know we made the most of it, you know?" Finn smiled softly as he looked at Rachel before he shifted his gaze downwards when she brought up school almost being over. "It's scary that it's almost over," he said softly. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it is. I mean, it'll be really nice not to get shoved face first into walls anymore but I just - it's scary. I'm scared to go away to Stanford and I - I just don't even want to think about being away from you, you know? I just love you so much and we're together so much I can't imagine not being with you all the time." Finn knew that they were going to make the most of every second of their summer together and while going away to school was scary, he knew they could handle it. Their relationship was strong enough to handle anything.
-
Rachel looked from the screen that was in front of her to Finn who was next to her on the couch. She was so happy to just be here with him after everything and she knew that things could have gone so differently. How they got to this point definitely wasn't smooth or perfect, but she knew that while she would change some things, she couldn't when it led her to this point. She was pregnant, engaged to the love of her life and she just knew that she didn't want to change anything. Rachel looked back at the screen for a moment and bit down on her bottom lip for a moment. She could remember this exact moment happening so many different times in their past and each and every time they were just in such different points in their lives. But here they were. Better than ever. But that was what it always felt like between them, she just really hoped that it was different this time. They had so many bumps in the road, but now she was just happy to be in a stable place. When her eyes caught sight of her engagement ring, she smiled, her thumb toying with the band before she looked back up at Finn. "Hey, Finn?" She asked softly, her turning herself more towards him slightly. She knew that things were good now, but she also knew how crazy their relationship had been. It had just been a crazy ride and she couldn't believe that they were here sometimes. Not when they both were so close to being in other positions. "I know you're going to say I'm just being stupid and crazy but I- You still really want to marry me, right?" God, she knew she was being stupid. But thinking back to how they were years ago in this exact moment absolutely terrified her. They were in such a different place now, but still, she knew that all it really took was one thing for everything to completely turn around.
Finn bit down on his lip as he focused on the TV screen while he played Fallout 4. It wasn't often that he got to really sit down and play video games between work, Rachel, wedding planning, getting ready to move and preparing for a baby but when he got the chance, he made every second count. It meant the world to him that Rachel didn't mind to sit with him while he played. It was something they had done together their whole relationship and while to some people it was stupid, to him it meant everything. When she said his name, Finn paused the game and set the controller on the coffee table before he turned to face her, offering her a small smile. "Yeah, Rach?" he asked her softly as he looked into her eyes. When she asked him if he still wanted to marry her, Finn's eyebrows furrowed in confusion for a moment. "I - what? Of course I want to marry you, Rachel," he told her. "I want to marry you more than anything. And I want this baby with you more than anything," he said softly, him shifting a bit closer to her before he brought his hand up to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing against her soft skin. "Why are you asking me that?" Finn knew that after everything that happened between them that there were a lot of people who doubted them but he figured there had always been people like that in their lives. While he knew their relationship had been crazy, it was all worth it to get to the place that they were in now and he knew that he wanted to marry her. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and their little family that they would be starting in a matter of months.
Rachel knew it was a stupid question to even ask, especially since he was the one who had to ask her to marry him in the first place, so he was obviously sure, but she was still scared of him deciding something else when they got closer to having their actual wedding. "I just-" Rachel sighed as he continued to speak, her looking down for a moment before she felt him cup her cheek, her looking up into his eyes. "I don't know. I just feel like I've been doing a lot of thinking about our past and I know it's stupid because we're really different now, but I don't know. I just- it's stupid. I just- I love you so much and I really want to marry you but I know that some people just stick around to support a kid together and I know that's not you, but it just scares me." Rachel looked down and bit down on her bottom lip for a moment before moving to look up at him again. "I love you, Finn. So much. And I want to marry you so badly. But you know who I was like... so many years ago and how I never thought that I'd have a kid or get married and here I am and I just- I don't want you to... I don't know. Regret marrying me, that's all." She said, her shrugging slightly. "It was a stupid question. I don't know. I guess I'm just being hormonal and overthinking everything because that's what I've been doing the past week and I've just been crying over stupid shit all of the time, so that's probably what it is. I just can't believe that... that this is where we are in life right now."
Finn looked at Rachel sadly as she spoke. He stayed silent as she talked and he knew that he loved her more than anything. He knew there were moments in the past where he hated how much he loved her. Where he hated how he couldn't give up on her. However, he was grateful for all of those moments because it finally brought them to where they were now and he was so glad that they had never given up on each other despite all the ups and downs in their past. "First of all, I'd never marry you just to stick around for our baby. I'm marrying you because I love you and I want you to be my wife. I want to be with you for the rest of my life," he told her, him offering her a small smile. "And Rach, yeah, I do know what you were like so many years ago but you need to remember that I fell in love with you over and over again all those years ago and I never stopped. And I wasn't the best version of myself then either, you know? It's not a stupid question but I don't want you to doubt this or how much I want this, okay?" Finn looked at her with love in his eyes before he closed the space between them and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I told you this when we were seventeen and I'll tell you again now - I'm going to love you for the rest of my life. I don't care about mistakes we've made in the past or problems we've had in the past - I care about now. You are the most amazing woman I've ever known and I know you have moments where you don't always see that but I promise you, Rach, you are. I love you so, so much and I never want you to think for a second that I'd regret marrying you. I'm honored to marry you and I'll be shocked that I'm lucky enough to be your husband for the rest of my life."
Rachel nodded gently as Finn spoke, her looking down for a moment before meeting his eyes again. "I know, I just- I know that things are better now but it's been so rocky in the past. But I know that I want to marry you so badly, you know? I still can't believe that we're having a baby sometimes. I mean, I'm going to have your baby. That's so crazy. I just- I don't know. I always was afraid to be a mom but you kind of make me think I can do it. That I can be a mom and a wife and make you happy. And I know that I make you happy already and you make me happy and everything." Rachel moved to kiss him as he leaned in to kiss her, a small smile on her lips as he pulled away. "I- okay." She said softly, looking into his eyes and smiling gently. "I don't think that you'd regret marrying me. And we're going to just have a really beautiful wedding and then we're going to have an even more beautiful baby," She murmured softly before leaning forward to meet his lips again. "We're gonna be together for the rest of our lives. It's so crazy. And just... wow. We're going to be parents. You're literally making me do the two things that I said I never would. Get married and have a kid," She said with a soft laugh, her shaking her head as she looked down for a moment. God, she really still couldn't believe that she was here with him sometimes but she knew that she couldn't change anything for the world. "I already knew that you were gonna change my life and I'm so glad you did, babe. So glad. Because I couldn't imagine anything different. I can't believe that you want to marry me and that... that we're gonna have a baby."
Finn knew that his and Rachel's past was scary but he knew that they weren't going to go down that road again. They weren't going to break up again. They weren't going to lose each other. It just wasn't an option anymore, not after everything they had been through. "You can do it, Rach. You're going to be an amazing mom," he said softly. Finn knew that they were going through a lot pretty quickly. They were getting married, having a baby and having to look for a new place but it was all going to be worth it. God, he knew it would all be worth it. "We're going to have a perfect baby," he said with a smile before they shared another soft kiss. He couldn't help but laugh when she told him that he was making her do the two things that she said she never would. "I mean, it makes me pretty happy to know that I'm the person that you'd want those things with. I always wanted to get married and have a family but I guess my whole life I just never thought I'd find anyone that wanted to be with me. But... here you are. You actually want me and I'm pretty sure I'll be in shock over that for the rest of my life." It felt so good to know that they were where they were meant to be in their lives because he knew they had fought through hell and back to get to this point. "I'm glad you changed my life too. And I definitely can't imagine anything different. I just - I love you so much and I'm so excited for everything that we're going to experience together. It's all happening really fast but I - I'm so happy."
Rachel knew that they'd be a perfect family. She knew Finn would do absolutely anything for their kid and she already knew that he'd be the perfect father. He had wanted to be a dad for a long time, she knew that. However, they really weren't in a stable place to even have a child, but the couple of pregnancy scares they had proved that he would have done absolutely anything to make sure that their child had a stable environment. She didn't want their child to relive their pasts -- she just wanted them to have two loving parents. "I know we will. I know this little bean will be absolutely perfect," She said as she rested her hand against her stomach for a moment. "Of course I want a family with you. I would have given you a family years ago, but I mean, we weren't ready and I definitely wasn't in a good place. But I feel really good and... normal. And I know that now is the right time, you know? We're stable and we just have so much going for us. I'm just happy that we're able to just... support our family. I know my job isn't exactly conventional and yours definitely is insane with hours, but I know that we're going to make so much time for this baby. It'll be our lives, obviously. I'm excited. But I'm nervous." She said as she looked at him and smiled gently. "Because you're right, it is happening really fast but it's stuff we want to happen. And I know it's really stressful but it feels so good to be at this point because I feel really good and I- I feel like we're really good now and we're ready to have a baby and I just- I feel healthy and so happy and I know that we're ready for this all. I mean, we're gonna have a really nice house and a beautiful family and we're gonna have all the lame traditions and shit with our own family. I'm just... I'm so excited. And I'm really, really excited to marry you. And I'm excited for our honeymoon. Because I'm already pregnant and horny all of the time and honeymoons are basically made for nonstop sex so I mean, me being pregnant just makes that even more nonstop," She said with a soft laugh, her leaning forward to kiss him. "I wish I was kidding but I'm not."
Finn smiled softly as Rachel spoke. "Now is definitely the right time. And I'm nervous too, believe me. I've always wanted to have kids but, I mean, it's going to be a lot, you know? Our whole lives are going to change and I'm nervous but I'm also just so, so excited. I'm ready to be a dad, I know I am." Finn wasn't confident about a lot of things in his life but he was one hundred percent confident in the fact that he was going to be a good dad and he was going to take care of his family with everything he had. It made him so happy to know that Rachel wanted this too, that she felt so good about herself and about everything that was happening. He knew they had never been in such a good place before and he was so happy to finally be moving forward after such a long period of back and forth. As she started talking about them getting married and their honeymoon, he couldn't help but laugh softly. When she pressed her lips to his, he kissed her back lovingly, a smile on his face when they pulled away. "Believe me, I know you're not kidding, Rach," he said with a laugh. "I didn't think it was really possible for you to be more horny than you normally are but being pregnant definitely proved it absolutely is possible. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I'll take care of you whenever you need me. And I promise our honeymoon will be filled with plenty of nonstop sex." Finn smiled as he looked at Rachel before he pressed another kiss to her lips, him deepening it for a moment before he pulled away. "I love you so much, baby. And I know we fought like hell for each other to get to where we are now but I - god, I'd go through everything over and over again to finally be at this moment with you."
Rachel looked at Finn and laughed gently at he pulled away. "What can I say? I mean, we're already addicted to each other and I know it's just going to get worse. And I mean, if I'm this horny the entire time I'm pregnant, we can have as many kids as you want," She teased gently before smiling when he leaned in to press another kiss to her lips. "I love you, too. And I know we went through a lot to get here. I know that. I mean, I knew you were different, you know? I knew that we were going to be something really amazing and I'm just glad that we actually got to this point where we can be together and not worry about anything else. I mean, babe, I really couldn't imagine myself in this position with anyone else, and I know that you probably feel the same way." She said before she moved to lean against him more, her moving to take his hand in both of hers, a small smile on her lips. "I love that we're here. I love that we're doing all of this new stuff together because it just makes me so happy. I mean, I just can't wait to move in somewhere new and just... organize everything. I mean, I have like five friends so if I have a baby shower it'll be really small, but I mean, fuck, Finn. I can't wait to see all the little clothes and shit. It's going to be so crazy. And I know that I'm nervous deep down inside and everything and I know that I'm enjoying being pregnant right now but I know I'm going to feel like a beached whale in a few months but you're going to think I actually look good, probably." She teased, her smiling before rubbing her hand over his and intertwining their fingers.
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Drabble | It’s A Love Story
We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes and the flashback starts
Things had gotten complicated for Stella Greyson. The blonde was staring at her sketchbook, seeing it but not really seeing it. Her mind was elsewhere, as it quite frequently was, at least lately. Leo’s return to her life had left her feeling adrift in a sea of emotion. Some days, she was drowning in the fact that she still loved him more than was probably healthy. Other days, she dreaded the fact that she knew he would text her because she wasn’t sure she should want him to. And every new day that she received that text message was another day that she was plagued by the question of whether or not she should introduce him to his son -- their son, the one he wasn’t even aware of.
She knew there were a million reasons why she shouldn’t, but at the same time… there were a dozen why she should, starting with their past and just how much she’d loved him. As her attention shifted to the city outside her office window, she took a soft breath and closed her eyes, letting her mind transport her through a slideshow of their past.
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say, "Hello"
Little did I know
The night that she’d met Leo, they’d been at the same party. She was eighteen years old, a recent high school graduate. She and Frankie had never been to one of these before, though; only ever her parents and her older brother, because it was with the family; the Italians, the men that her father did the most business with. She was wearing a long, floor-length black dress, her hair up, for once, in some kind of complicated updo that her mom had done for her. Her sister was dressed in the opposite outfit: white dress, her hair down. The two of them were total knockouts, which was why Estella hadn’t been at all shocked when one of them was scooped up automatically; a young man came up to Frankie quickly, asking her to dance.
Estella had worried, briefly, that she would suffer the opposite fate… but then, she’d seen him. The black suit had hugged his arms in exactly the right way and he’d carried an aura of authority with him as he’d crossed the room, even back then. When he’d made it to her, he gave her what she would come to find out was his signature little smirk, which had her melting into him in an instance.
“Hello, I’m Leo Moretti. May I have this dance?”
Of course, she said yes and let him lead her to the dance floor. She would spend the rest of that night letting him twirl her around.
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
But you were everything to me
I was begging you, "Please don't go.”
The blonde had never expected that night to turn into what it did: a relationship. She snuck him into her family home more often than one would expect that summer and fall, falling deeper and deeper into the man who’d asked her to dance. It was on one of those days that her father came home early and everything came crashing down. He found the two of them in bed, together. Her father had absolutely flipped, yelling about wanting him gone as quickly as possible and about him staying the hell away from his daughter. Stella tried to argue, saying that she was a grown woman, but her father wasn’t having any of it.
Instead, Egan Gataki pulled a gun and held it towards Leo’s head until he’d hurriedly gotten dressed and ran out the door. Stella was crying the entire time that he couldn’t fucking do that, but then Leo was gone. There was a time after that where she could barely stand to be in the same room as her dad, embarrassed and angry at what he’d done.
Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel,
This love is difficult, but it's real
It was weeks later when she finally got out of the house alone. She met Leo at a bar in Manhattan that night, using his name to get herself in. The two of them didn’t stay there long, heading somewhere private for the biggest part of their evening.
It was that night, with her head laid across his chest, that she first told him she loved him. She was listening to the sound of his heartbeat in the darkness, her thoughts on her family and how much they didn’t like him or the criminal ties that he was involved in. Her dad had never wanted her to get involved with the family business and this was her doing exactly that, only in a way he’d never expected. He couldn’t control it or her, though.
“He wants me to stay away from you,” she’d whispered into the darkness, fueled by the twin beats of their hearts and a wave of emotion she couldn’t push away. “But I don’t think I can do that. This isn’t going to be easy, but I love you, Leo Moretti.”
He’d simply rolled her onto her back after that, kissing her in a way that made it obvious he was both claiming her and telling her that he loved her, too.
Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby, just say “Yes”
In early January of the following year, it was first suggested that they get married. They were laying in bed again; Stella was listening to the beating of his heart, his fingers gently running through her blonde locks. She was pretty sure that he was almost asleep, too, but the words fell out, anyway.
“I wish we could run away together,” Stella said, her voice extra loud in the calm of the room. His fingers paused, then, and her eyes shifted up to meet his, nerves rolling through her as she waited for what he’d say. “Where would we run to?” he’d asked.
“A courthouse,” she’d answered, her voice barely above a whisper. The nerves in her belly, which had been butterflies before, had now turned into wasps as she waited to see what he’d say. “A courthouse,” he repeated. She’d simply nodded as an answer. “You want to marry me, princess?” he’d wondered, then.
“I want to be able to call myself your wife,” she’d murmured back. “If you want that, I mean.” He’d shifted then, so his blue eyes could meet her own. She chewed at her lower lip as she tried to assess the expression he wore. “Kitten,” he’d begun, “I’d like nothing less.” They’d kissed, then, making silent promises to one another.
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you
Stella was crying, she realized, when she felt the first tear drop from her chin. Her hand moved, catching the next few that fell from her eyes. The memories were hard for her to handle because she knew how it had ended. He’d killed her sister and then she’d sent him to prison. But love like that, the kind that burned that brightly… it was hard to kill. She knew, having seen him again, that hers had never died. That terrified her. He’d consumed her once and she knew that she might just let him consume her again.
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The Deal Chapter 59
There were three communities that didn’t need much rebuilding and one that needed extensive rehab. And I wasn’t very welcome in any of them. How would I know this? Because, ALL of the population of ALL three were at Hilltop in the beginning, at some point on another. And while Daryl had promised that I wouldn’t be subjected to the abuse of their collective feelings of disappointment and irritation with me, and I’m downplaying it trust me, he couldn’t be with me twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Not that he didn’t try his damnedest.
I spent my days getting used to my bow again. Soon, my Simon target was fully beheaded, and I had to grin as I made a new one. Sometimes I took Judith with me, sitting her on a blanket at my feet, telling her stories about Carl as I notched arrow after arrow and kept an eye on any danger that might try to sneak up on us, walker or human. She was walking now, and I would take her hand in mine, fold the blanket and sling my bow over my shoulder as we took our time getting back to the rest of the world.
She came with me to visit Negan on most days, even once he’d been removed to a more secure spot. I’d sit by him as she toddled around and I hoped he found some measure of peace from our time with him. On the visits that we were alone, he’d touch me more often. Taking my hand and kissing the knuckles, or leaning in to smell the side of my neck. I knew, once we returned to Alexandria, that he’d be the first real visitor to Morgan’s cell and he wouldn’t be able to get as close to me as he did in Hilltop, so I savored it as much as he did.
We knew it wouldn’t last. The quiet, the ease of our visits, but we also knew that we both found comfort in them. Negan’s lips brushing my neck, my fingers linked with his, such simple signs of affection, yet we knew what they brought to each of us. Pain. Whispered threats. And the dirty looks. When I was alone with him, I could care less about what was being said or who was shooting those damn looks my way. And then I’d leave, and the strength of his presence was gone, and I’d have to walk with my chin up and back straight as though I could give a shit.
I did though. It hurt me to know that people I barely knew thought so little of me. It hurt worse to know that the people who did know me, and quite well, seemed to share those same thoughts. Unlike my brush with falling apart from those days before meeting Negan, however, I didn’t fight feeling it. I was wide open and I owned my emotions. I cried when I felt like crying, and as Daryl and my family were learning quickly, when I was pissed they knew it now.
“Damn it, Dad,” I was glaring at him as we sat together discussing what came next. He wanted Daryl, and me clearly, to head to the Sanctuary and get it back on track. “You promised.” Not just visits with Negan, but damn it, I just got back to seeing Judith every damn day. “How the hell is this supposed to work? Plus, don’t you need all fucking hands on deck at Alexandria? You said that it was a mess that needed rebuilding.”
I knew that Daryl’s eyes were on me. I also knew that Michonne, Maggie, Glenn, Carol, and Ezekiel were watching me intently. Too fucking bad.
“Jessi,” Dad was using his patient parent voice and I nearly growled at him. “Honey, you know the place better than anyone here.” I shook my head. “You do, I can’t put one of the former Saviors in charge, not yet.”
“I barely left-” I stopped, feeling Daryl tense. Shit. “I wasn’t really given much free reign, Dad.” Not until I was ready to run away from him, I added in my head. I sighed. “I don’t know his people, I don’t know what they fucking did there.”
Daryl’s arms wrapped around me, trying to calm me down. “Jessi,” his face was practically buried in my hair. “We can go and get an idea of what needs done. We’ll visit Alexandria as much as ya want, I swear.” I wanted to fight free, but I knew that he was trying to compromise. Trying to make me see that fighting against it wouldn’t help my cause at all. And so I relaxed into his touch and sighed again.
“Fine.” I agreed, looking up at Dad with hard eyes. “What are we expected to do?”
What we were expected to do, I learned quickly, was determine who was trustworthy and how to tame those who would undoubtedly fight back. Daryl and I were supposed to take stock of the Sanctuary and learn not just what it used to be, but what it COULD become now. And so, with me at his side, dealing with the reports and people that Daryl didn’t have the patience to contend with, we started to reteach Negan’s people how things had to be from here on out.
Corn ethanol fuel, that was the plan for the Sanctuary. No one seemed to want to hear that we didn’t have nearly enough fertile ground for crops. And Eugene as a constant presence wasn’t exactly welcome for me either. Dad tried, during my trips to Alexandria, to remind me that Eugene was intelligent and he had helped win the war. Sure, thought, but you keep forgetting that I care for Negan and that smart asshole could have killed him with that backfiring gun. And, there was that memory of why I ran away from Negan, the fear that another Eugene would come and as his newest girl, I’d be expected to entertain him.
I helped where I could. Learning that the majority of Negan’s people were go with the flow types. They transferred their loyalty strangely easily, and I had to hold back an absolutely hysterical laugh when they tried to kneel for Daryl and then Dad. Once they were told those types of displays were no longer necessary, most of them fell in line quickly. There were hiccups. People not feeling safe when Daryl insisted the walker security line be killed for good. People fighting against the more open, no points, system of being fed and clothed. These were easily squashed, mostly. Daryl’s biggest issue was his discomfort in leading this way.
Nights were spent explaining that he had to understand it from their point of view. They’d been here, some of them at least from what they’d told me, for years. Negan had kept them safe. He’d given them jobs and security. Learning that he was gone AND that all the rules and ways they’d learned to live were different wasn’t an easy thing to get used to. Daryl would counter with the ones that had easily changed, and I’d point out that most were Negan’s true soldiers, the ones that were leaders because they could sense the change in tides. When you’re looking at grunts, or even the lower totem Saviors, you’re looking at people who want stability, change is hard.
I fell back into mediating easily. It was natural for me. As was hunting, which Daryl and I did regularly. Mostly for his sanity, because being trapped behind the walls of a huge brick building was never going to suit him easily. I rested easily in knowing that Daryl, and not me, would eventually be asking Dad for a reassignment. He hated it here as much as I did, even if I was growing used to navigating through the people’s issues and finding solutions to the rising problems.
So we’d hunt. Sometimes just to get away, and other times as we left to visit Alexandria. Daryl never let me go alone. I tried to tell myself it was because he wanted to check in with Dad. I tried to convince myself that he wanted to keep me safe, even if I was more than capable of it myself, or that he wanted to see the progress in rebuilding our former home. I even tried, as he and I sat with Judith and watched her paint and listened as she told ME a story, that he wanted to visit with her. But, I could feel his eyes on me as I walked to the cell that held Negan, and all those illusions I’d try to build in my mind for his presence here with me would fade and I knew. He was here to make sure I didn’t release him, that I didn’t stay behind with him, that Negan never got to know me as intimately as he already did again.
It took around eighteen months to rebuild and for us to all be back in the flow of things. The Sanctuary wasn’t in perfect order. Not even close, but it was better. As long as no one wanted to stay in any of the rooms that held the broken windows. Windows that were gone thanks to gunfire from a war that never had to be. The crops, still not nearly enough, were growing, but for how long? And the corn ethanol was being produced as it could be.
Alexandria was almost better than it had been. Wind mills, flowing water, and rebuilt homes along with crops of their own and a new hope filled the air. I didn’t check on Hilltop or the Kingdom personally, but regular reports and updates came in over the radios or in person. We were getting back to normal, or most of us were.
Daryl was chafing under the strain of leadership and having to walk the same path that Negan had walked. He begged me, more than once, not to remind him of whose apartment we lived in. Not to mention that I’d slept in the bed, that I’d made love in the bed, with anyone other than him. He chafed at the reminders of Negan, and I chafed at the absence of him. This wasn’t right. Not the building, not Daryl’s body on those sheets in this bed. Nothing was right, even if the flow of life continued, everything felt wrong.
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Is it just me?
I hate holding babies and people tryna save me. Think religion is a business where you pay for God's forgiveness. Modern art is boring, politicians are annoying. I don't think love lasts forever, and old music was better.
You’re not supposed to know what you want when you’re fifteen. You’re supposed to go to dances, study, hang out with your friends and kiss boys. What was I doing? I was in my room, practicing my pirouettes.
I could hear my cousin Maddie in her room listening to her music, the walls pulsing the base was so loud. Did she have a boy in her room? At twenty-one she was one of the most popular girls in Charming, while I’m the weird dancer girl still in high school with legs that were too long and boobs that were too small.
The only boy I ever had in my room was Juice, who had been my best friend since I was six. That’s all we were, just friends. We kissed last year, but it wasn’t one of /those/ kisses. Just two fourteen-year-olds wanting to see what it was like. Which, it was nice, but I didn’t like it because he acted so weird afterwards; running home and not coming around for the next couple weeks. My mom keeps saying he has a crush on me, but that’s what moms did. Say embarrassing things.
Dad was off on a trip to god knows where, my mom making us supper in the kitchen. Juice was planning on staying the night, but for some reason he wouldn’t sleep in the same bed with me anymore. Boys are so weird.
“Should we go to that party tonight?” Juice quipped from his spot on my bed, his browns roaming the copy of American Iron Magazine while I practiced.
I let out a sigh, spinning to face him in my pointe shoes; my dad had installed a balance beam in my room when I was seven (after I begged for months) and wood floors so I could practice whenever I wanted. “Do we /have/ to? I was thinking maybe we can just stay here, watch the new Harry Potter or something.”
His browns rolled to the ceiling and my face fell, knowing I was going to lose this battle. He’d been asking me to go for weeks. But really if I told Madison I wanted to stay and watch Harry Potter she would stay with me, but then he’d be bummed.
“Evie, it’ll be fun I promise! Harley is going to be there and Taylor, so no one will make fun of you. We won’t let them.”
And with that I spun back towards the balance beam, trying not to cry. Harley was my other cousin, only three years older (eighteen) than me and Juice, and was interested in joining the SONS with my dad. Harley and Maddie’s dad was in the MC as well when he was alive, there was nothing keeping Harley away from following in our father’s footsteps and Juice was going with him. Juice had always looked up to my dad like his own father, probably because his own skipped out on him and his mom when he was six. That’s how we met, he was crying under the slide and I found him. Told him how my uncle killed himself and left my cousins alone, and he could come and talk to them. Feels like a lifetime ago.
“I don’t need everyone to protect me! I’m not a child.” Letting out a little huff, refusing to look him in the eye.
“I’ll come.”
Am I just high or am I kinda right? Is it just me or does anybody feel the way that I feel? They're just not being real. Tell me, is it just me or is anybody thinking all the same shit? They're just not saying it, or is it just me?
Blues open as I finish a pirouette — Is it just me? By Sasha Sloan echoing though-out the empty studio. My palm squeezed the balance beam next to me, thinking that maybe if I squeezed the wood hard enough I would start to feel balanced myself.
October felt like the longest month — and I couldn’t stop thinking about Lucas… I hadn’t heard from him since he left me at the club. My knees were starting to heal, but the pain of possibly losing my best friend wouldn’t heal the way my tanned skin did.
Being with my family was always a mix of emotions — pain because the thought that my cousins parents, and my mother couldn’t be there for our biggest moments. Happiness because I truly loved them, and needed them more than I needed air sometimes. Heartbreak, because even on the most beautiful days I couldn’t stop thinking about Juice. How he would have been by my side, squeezing my palm when I’m upset. How he would know exactly what to say in the moments I didn’t.
I let myself feel the music, dancing around the room with bare feet. Just wanting to feel everything, all the pain and love that I’ve been feeling — everything that I’ve wanted to say to my family, to Lucas… All of it poured out of my lithe frame while I spun and twirled.
Weddings are outdated, the show Friends was overrated. I think rich kids have it easy and PDA is creepy. The Internet's obnoxious, people my age make me nauseous. I think marijuana's classy and doing coke is trashy.
The desert was cold even in my warmest jacket, I couldn’t get warm. But that was the thing about the desert, it was ruthless. Either too hot to handle, or too cold. Another reason to complain that Juice made me come to the party.
He was off getting us another drink, I could hear Maddie giggle with her friends and Harley was jumping over the bonfire — playing it cool for his friends. And here I was, standing as far away from the fire as I could in the dark wanting to disappear.
“The youngest Grazer…”
The boy's lips brushed against the side of my neck, whispering in my ear. Goosebumps covered my frame, jumping away from his touch.
“What do you want, Adam?” I knew the sound of his voice almost as well as I knew Juice’s. The boy that had bullied me every day since I was a child.
“I want to know what you’re doing here, Eve.” He slurred his words, moving closer to me.
“I’m here with Juice and my cousins…” Blues glanced around me, seeing that my best friend was still pumping out beer from the keg.
“Oh I know why they’re here, they belong here. But /you/, you don’t belong here.”
He stated louder, stepping in front of me — his strong palm wrapping around my delicate wrist. “Look, they wanted me to come so I came.”
I tugged my wrist back, only for him to grip it tighter. “You need to get the fuck out of here, before I make you.”
Before I knew it Adam was on the sand — my small palm clutched to my side, knuckles aching. I punched him… Me.
Adam held his nose, blood spilling down to his chin. “You fucking cunt.”
As he started to get up I heard a roar of laughing behind me; Maddie, Harley and Juice walking up to both of my sides.
“You really want to get up again, Adam? Eve looks like she’s gonna knock you out again.” Juice laughed again, a dark brow popping up.
Maddie gave me a little nudge on my arm, like she was proud of me for standing up for myself. Harley clapped a palm on my back.
My family. Showing that they’d have my back, no matter what.
If I needed it.
Am I just high or am I kinda right? Is it just me or does anybody feel the way that I feel? They're just not being real. Tell me, is it just me or is anybody thinking all the same shit? They're just not saying it, or is it just me?
Tears poured down unblemished cheeks, sitting campfire style in the center of the studio — palms pressed against my blues, trying to stop the waterworks. That’s the thing about being a Cancer, or at least me; when I’m overwhelmed, upset, mad… Tears… And I hated that about myself.
Taking a deep breath, letting the music flow through me, reminding me to be myself. To be real, to feel the way I need to feel.
The Workshop was approaching, I had to start focusing.
I should probably bite my tongue, but I can't be the only one, yeah. I should probably bite my tongue, but I can't be the only one.
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Transient Boy (Second Draft)
First things first, Happy one-year anniversary Quinn’s-OCs-And-Things! I made this blog on the 28th of last December (I remember watching The X Files while picking out themes!) To celebrate, here’s some writing for you all. I turned in the original draft of this story at the end of September in my fiction writing class, and I’ll be honest the original was a clusterfuck. Well I took that feedback and rewrote it, so here you go! Here’s to another great year here!
“Logan, you awake yet?”
Jamie never knocked before. When I was sixteen he just waltzed right in and picked me up like a princess. If he wanted to he still could, the man’s built like a Greek statue, but he doesn’t waltz right in because he probably thinks I’m naked. Since my boyfriend started living with us that’s a reasonable assumption, Santiago’s a little pervert who tries to feel me up because the day ends in Y and he thinks it’s hysterical to watch me squirm in front of Dad and Jamie. But I’m not naked this time around.
Still, truth be told, I’m not sure I’d want him to just invite himself in like he used to. Things have been awkward since Jamie kinda came back from the dead.
---
His parents were dead, his real parents. She slipped on the icy curb, he tried to catch her, and together they fell to the ground, under the wheels of an overworked truck driver who’d already run a red light and didn’t see them in their dark winter coats. So they were dead and their four-year-old son, Logan, was at home with a babysitter waiting for parents he’d never see again. Neither of them had any siblings, his parents were too old to take on a rambunctious four-year-old, her father had passed and her mother turned a recluse who wouldn’t take the boy, and Logan’s godfather had died two months prior. The Kangs thought they would’ve had time to update their will. When Logan grew up he wouldn’t remember any of them.
He wouldn’t remember much of the first couple who took him in either, just vague memories of the retirees he’d stayed with for so short a time. They lived in a house on the corner and had double the shoveling to do on snowy days. One of his earliest memories had been making a snow angel in the front yard, his coat only half buttoned because he’d run out in a flurry of excitement, watching the man shovel snow. It was one of his earliest memories.
---
Now, Jamie didn’t actually die, I know that now. The only reason Dad told me he was dead, Dad being Jamie’s husband, Preston, was because he left us. I was eighteen, almost nineteen, and I was a dumb teenager. I didn’t notice how much Dad and Jamie were fighting over the course of what was apparently the whole last year. I didn’t realize how distant he’d been from Dad. Dad never wanted me to see it and I don’t think Jamie did either, it was one of the few things they still agreed on, apparently. And then Dad came home crying one night and Jamie didn’t come home at all.
It’s not fair to Dad to say he told me Jamie was dead, he didn’t. He just didn’t correct me when I made the assumption because he never thought either of us would see Jamie again.
So imagine my surprise when, just over two years later, I come back from the grocery store and there’s my dead father standing in the kitchen with Dad looking on the brink of tears, shaking his head when I drop the shopping bag like a movie cliché and go to give Jamie a hug.
“Yeah, I’m awake!” I say, shoving a drooling Santiago off my shoulder so I can sit up as Jamie comes in.
“’Sup Mr. Williams,” he says blearily. “Shit, no, it’s De Witt-Williams now, isn’t it?”
“It is,” Jamie says. He took Dad’s last name when they got back together and had a vow renewal. “You boys hungry? Preston’s making Logan day breakfast.”
By Logan Day he means it’s June tenth. That’s the day Jamie brought me home, it’s been a family holiday ever since, just less so in those two years when Jamie was MIA. Jamie was the driving force behind it and Dad was always on call. Dad’s an analyst but not the kind you see in spy movies. When people on cop shows shout, “We need to get a bulletin out, stat!” Dad is the guy who does that, meaning even when he’s home he’ll still have to answer emails and distribute information. He still made it a point to celebrate but it was never the same.
Santiago looks at me worriedly as Jamie ducks out of the room.
“I’m not stepping on you family’s toes, am I?” he asks. “Because if this is a family thing I can lock myself in the room and play video games while you do the happy family thing.”
“No, please,” I say, maybe a bit too urgently. “This is the first one since Jamie came back and I’d really like you there as a buffer.” He’s got that same look he got that first time in family therapy, that deer-in-the-headlights “why am I here?” look before the therapist told him it was important to me that he be there. I can’t really blame him, Jamie never did anything to him and I’m kinda being selfish putting him in the middle of our awkward bullshit. “Besides,” I add. “We’re dating, you live here now. You’re family too.” That seems to be enough for him and he pulls on a shirt that I’m pretty sure is mine.
Dad is making breakfast when we finally wander downstairs. He’s a skinny guy with glasses who barely comes up to Jamie’s chin and Jamie always said he looks like the human equivalent of a Beanie Baby.
“I made breakfast!” he says cheerfully. “Bacon and scrambled eggs, a lot of them. I know how much you all eat.” Jamie wanders over and kisses dad on the cheek as fare before stealing a piece of bacon. Even I can admit it’s cute. Before everything went to hell, I used to think my Dads were the gold standard. They seemed so in love, so in synch with each other, I always said if I could be as happy as they were one day I’d be lucky.
Now I don’t know if that’s true and saying that feels like a betrayal of Dad in some way I can’t explain.
“So it’s your day!” Jamie says cheerfully. “What do you want to do?” He says it so cheerfully, like nothing’s changed. Like I didn’t hear him and Dad yelling in the kitchen when I was still reeling from him coming back and they thought I was upstairs.
“You told him I was dead?”
“I wondered if you were dead and I didn’t correct him when I found out otherwise because finding out how cruel you’d turned would’ve killed him.”
“Don’t put that bullshit on me, Preston! I almost stayed for him. He was the one thing in this damn house that made me pause even for a second!”
“But you didn’t! You told me to get fucked and you left, you said it just now you didn’t care about me, about anything. You weren’t the man who brought him home, you weren’t his Dad anymore, and he worshipped you, Jamison!”
I knew it was bad because he called Jamie by his full name.
And now Jamie’s sitting here smiling like nothing’s changed.
“I dunno,” I mumble, looking at the kitchen floor. Santiago pauses with a forkful of eggs halfway to his mouth and looks like he’s about to bolt upstairs anyway.
“Nothing?” Jamie asks. “Come on, you had something that first year when I surprised you with all this. You knew this was coming, you’ve gotta have something.”
“I kinda got caught up in everything and I didn’t realize it was the tenth,” I say. “So no, I haven’t thought of anything.”
“Well I took the day off!” Dad adds, all too quick to try to diffuse the tension. “And I called in sick today, so we can properly celebrate Logan Day without my phone constantly going off.”
“Are you going to get in trouble?” I ask.
“I’m the top analyst they have, they can’t exactly fire me,” he says. I’m grateful, to be honest. Last time I was alone with Jamie I almost punched him in the face and he almost let me. I wanted to hate him, I did hate him then.
But I guess I wanted my Dad back more.
I don’t hate him anymore, but that doesn’t mean everything’s all sunshine and puppies. I may not hate him but I don’t worship the ground he walks on any more and more than anything it’s all just awkward, at least that’s what I said in family therapy so I know Jamie knows it too. Dad’s looking so damn hopeful and I know for him I can get the stick out of my ass. Dad’s doing so much better than he was in those few years.
---
With so many foster homes at such a young age, the names blurred together in his memory. Not Lisette and not Tim. He lived with Lisette when he was eight and Tim lived across the hall. She always smelled like flowers and Tim taught him how to ride a bike one afternoon on a day when Lisette couldn’t make herself get out of bed.
“She was just feeling sad today,” Tim said as they walked around the park.
“She was sad yesterday too,” Logan said. “What’s she got to be sad about? It’s pretty outside. Coming outside might make her happy!”
“That’s just not how it works, kiddo,” said Tim, ruffling Logan’s floppy hair. “Brains sometimes get sad is all.”
Years later, there were some days after Jamie had left when Preston stayed in bed like he was sick, days when Logan could hear him trying to cry softly. It was days like this that made Logan understand what he hadn’t when he was eight years old and wanting to stay with Lisette and make her brain happy. He understood now that she didn’t trust herself to give him the life he deserved because her own mind worked against her, much the way his father’s did now. On these days when Logan slid a pack of Twizzlers under the door so Preston knew someone was thinking of him, he remembered Lisette and hoped she and Tim were happy now.
---
We end up going to a movie, some action flick where the one character was supposedly an analyst but he was out in the field shooting people and jumping out of the way of explosions. That always drives Dad crazy and I can see Jamie with his hand on Dad’s knee because he’s heard this rant before.
My family is a pieced-together sort of mess. At first glance, Dad looks like the one who doesn’t belong considering that—out of the four of us—he’s the only one who’s white. It’s surprising how many people think Jamie’s my actual Dad and Preston’s my stepdad, not realizing they’re married to each other. These same people don’t bother to look close enough to see that I’m Asian and Jamie’s clearly not. I can’t remember if his mom is from Pakistan or Palestine, but the point is none of us look enough alike for anyone paying attention to think that. We all found our way to each other kind of by accident; Jamie found Dad and then me eventually. At least I can take credit for Santiago, even though it was Jamie who stormed over to his house and basically told Mr. and Mrs. Mendoza that if they were gonna be homophobic bigots then we were keeping their son.
Or something like that. I was upstairs helping Santiago pack up his stuff while Jamie was tearing into ‘em, but if their expressions when we left were any indication it was something like that.
So in a way we’re all here because of Jamie, the first person to actually want me since an accident at my last good foster home when I was fourteen. I hadn’t had that in years and suddenly I had two Dads who wanted me. Dad took me to buy blankets and stuff for my room and I almost broke down crying in Target because this was really happening and they weren’t gonna return me. Too many people had sent me back to the social worker for being a hyperactive little shit who started crying when they yelled at me to sit still and here was Jamie telling me to “go running. Take a jog around the block, hit a punching bag, throw a cinderblock, hell if I know what kids these days do for fun. If it works, it works,” and making it such a non-issue. It really was no wonder how I’d practically worshipped him back in those days and now I can’t even bring myself to call him “Dad” again.
---
The Gellards were the last of the good ones, once they didn’t want him it was all downhill.
They’d kept him for two years, two years of having parents and a little sister, the kind of family you see on sitcoms. He’d gotten birthday parties since for the first time in his life he had enough friends to invite to one. It would’ve been perfect. It would’ve been home.
Until a January day at fourteen years old when a sledding accident led to stitches in his newfound sister’s head and her leg in a cast. Little Elise was nine years old.
“I’m worried she’s going to get hurt again trying to imitate him,” Mrs. Gellard said one night when she didn’t know Logan had come downstairs.
“They’ve lived together for two years and this is the first time anything like this has happened,” said her husband.
“But what if it’s not the last?”
That was all Logan heard because after that he ran. That was the first time he ran away, packed the things that meant something to him and a duffle bag full of clothes and called his social worker from the park. She’d been with him for so long that by now he had her cell number. She was supposed to return him to the Gellards, she should’ve returned him to the Gellards, but he pleaded and they didn’t fight for him, so she quietly found him a home with a younger sister named Carissa, only a few years younger than Elise.
That home lasted less than a year and the one after it wasn’t much better. The Gellards were the last of the good ones and when they realized their mistake in letting him go, he’d run away again and this time no one could find him.
---
After the movie, while Jamie’s in the bathroom and Santiago’s trying and failing to win something out of a claw machine, it’s just me and Dad.
“Thank you, Lo,” Dad says, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“What for?”
“For being so nice to him these days,” he says. “I know it can’t be easy.”
“It’s not.” I never told him about the time I almost punched Jamie in the face but he could tell something was different the day it happened. Nowhere near what it used to be, but better than it had been since Jamie came back. It’s still better than it was even if now it’s just awkward. The look on Dad’s face tells me that came out harsher than I meant it. “But I’m willing to try, he’s the reason we’re all here.”
“He is,” says Dad. “I remember the day he brought you home. I’m lucky he called ahead to ask and didn’t just come home with a fifteen year old.”
“He made that call with me right there,” I say. Dad laughs.
“Thank god I didn’t say no,” he says. “But that sounds like him. He was always more prone to spontaneity than thinking things through. To this day I think the most forethought he’s ever put into anything was when he asked me to marry him.”
When I was younger I never got tired of hearing that story. Even now, as much of a cynic as I’ve turned into these past few years, it’s still sweet to remember them tell it. Jamie kept coming home late and Dad thought he was avoiding him and wanted to dump him. Dad’s never been the most confident person in the world so it never occurred to him that Jamie was out so late because he couldn’t make up his mind on a ring at the jewelry store. Apparently he came home with champagne and Dad started crying because he thought that was the end and he wanted to let him down easy. They had a courthouse wedding that weekend, with Dad in khakis and a cardigan and Jamie in his military dress uniform. I’ve seen the picture.
“What made you take him back?” I blurt.
“I’m sorry?”
“What made you take him back?” I repeat. “He was awful to you at the end there, I know how much he hurt you…” We’ve both pretended that I didn’t hear him crying some days because he didn’t want me to know. I don’t bring that up, I don’t want to make him feel bad. I’ve asked him before and I’m not sure I ever got a straight answer beyond just that he’s a sap. He sighs.
“I’ll tell you the same thing I told him when he asked the same question,” he says. “He’s my lobster. I know it’s actually a myth that lobsters mate for life but my family is from Maine, we liked the lobster sentiment and the phrase stuck. He’s my lobster, and when the guy whose nickname in the military was Scary McFuckface practically broke down crying because he didn’t know how to show me how sorry he was, when I saw that he kept his wedding ring these two years, that’s when I remembered why he was my lobster in the first place.”
I remember how they looked at the vow renewal. They did it right this time, rented out the whole bar they had their first date in, wore actual suits, had an actual party, the works. I hadn’t seen Dad look that happy in years; he looked like he was about to cry from joy the whole time but to be honest we all were. The way that Jamie was smiling at him while they were dancing looked like Dad was his second chance at life. I don’t know how better to describe it, just that it made me want someone to look at me like that.
“You are a sap,” I say. That gets him to laugh.
“I just want my family to be happy,” he says.
---
Gabriella Brieser. The name was burned into his brain as the last foster home and one of the worst, and that was saying something considering the woman he lived with when he was six hit him with a high heeled shoe.
Gabriella Brieser thought she was getting off easy, taking in an older kid. That’s how she’d apparently talked her husband into it. He’d overheard her talking on the phone and she’d said it herself, there would be no diapers to change, no mother’s day breakfasts to attend, to wandering handssmearing craft glue on her nice china cabinets. She didn’t count on a hyperactive fifteen-year-old who wouldn’t sit still while she showed him off to her rich friends and they called her ‘brave’ and ‘admirable’ and whatever other bullshit words she wanted to hear. She’d tell him that at fifteen he was “supposed to be an adult, grow up and stop fidgeting. Do you have a disorder or something? Do I need to get your head checked out?” Though when he asked to go to the park, desperate to get out of the house he was a child “you’re only fifteen, you could get abducted by some molester! What’s wrong with you that you would even think that?” The hypocrisy had astounded him and at that point he’d just stopped asking.
The piano was the final straw. His most recent foster sister had taken piano lessons and had shown him how to play a few snippets of random songs. Logan hadn’t thought about that in months, but one day when Gabriella was upstairs, he wondered if he still remembered. It wasn’t like anyone else was playing the piano that sat collecting dust in the living room.
Apparently, collect dust was all it was meant to do. That’s what Gabriella screamed at him when she slammed the piano case down on his fingers, reminding him how he’d been told countless times he wasn’t allowed to touch anything of value.
He heard her on the phone with the social worker that night, saying how she “Couldn’t stand his attitude problem” and how “the boy isn’t right in the head, no wonder no one wants him.” He didn’t give her the chance to return him. He threw the few things he valued in that same worn out duffle bag and ran away while she was in the shower.
---
We go to a buffet for dinner that night. No matter how worried Santiago was about there being awkward family tension, it seems outweighed by the prospect of stuffing three platefuls of mac and cheese in his face and I can’t really blame him. At some point during dinner, Jamie pulls something out of his pocket.
“So we’ve all talked about moving,” Dad says. “Since fitting the four of us in that tiny townhouse is getting harder. Well we’ve started cleaning out closets and drawers and things, just to get the process started…”
“And I found this.” Jamie slides an envelope across the table to me. “Meant to get it framed when we first took it but someone started using it for a bookmark and it got misplaced until now.” Dad tries to put on an innocent face, which isn’t hard considering he really does look like a Beanie Baby.
“We thought you’d want it,” he says. “It is Logan day, after all.”
Inside the envelope is a picture of the three of us, take on the day Jamie told me the wanted to adopt me. We went out to dinner that night and Dad told the waiter we were celebrating before asking him to take our picture. I’d completely forgotten this existed until now.
I can’t believe I ever looked like that, with floppy black hair falling in my eyes and a squishy face that makes me look way younger than fifteen. Jamie was right when he told me the day we met that I looked twelve despite my insistence that I was passing for a legal adult. After Jamie left I shaved half my head and dyed what was left green in some sort of weird grieving ritual that I actually grew fond of, so the fact that I haven’t seen my natural hair color in over two years makes the old photo so jarring.
The changes in my dads are less obvious, but they’re there. They both look younger, with less grey in their hair. The scar Jamie got in those two years away from us doesn’t cut his left cheekbone in half. As much as things have changed, there’s a lot that’s still the same: Dad’s wearing a sweater in the picture—he claimed the restaurant was freezing, I remember now—and that same sweater’s still in his closet. Jamie has his hand on Dad’s knee just like he did during the movie today. The smiles are all the same.
“Dude,” Santiago says, leaning over my shoulder to look at the picture. “You look so weird, I forgot you weren’t always the emo head of lettuce you are now—shit, Logan are you crying?”
And though I didn’t realize it until he said anything I guess I am. This is my family, a pieced-together sort of mess but they’re the ones who wanted me. Jamie wanted me, and though he’s not the same person who brought me home that day, the way he’s looking at me now makes it obvious that that guy isn’t as gone as I thought. We’ve been through hell and back but somehow we all ended up here right now and that’s something I thought I’d never have when I was little. I thought there was something wrong with me and that maybe I should run away and stop hoping.
Turns out, running away from that cranky woman with a piano that wasn’t meant to be played was the best thing I ever did.
“Yeah, I think I am. I’m fine, I promise.” I wipe my eyes and pull out my phone before flagging down the waitress. “Excuse me, could you take a picture of me and my family?”
---
The name on the paperwork was Timothy Gellard. The forged paperwork he’d bought with the money he took from Gabriella Brieser’s purse. He didn’t like stealing, felt it proved her right about him, but he could still remember how his hands smarted when she slammed the piano cover down on them. Timothy for that first person who loved Logan more than he had to, and Gellard for the last. According to those papers, Timothy Gellard was old enough to be enlisting in the military and he’d practiced reciting “I’m older than I look.” It had gone well so far, which was admittedly not very long, up until Scary McFuckface.
Scary McFuckface was what everyone called the high-ranking man called in to assess the new recruits straight off the bus. His real name was something a lot more human but as soon as he walked in the room Logan promptly forgot it. Murmuring under his breath that he was older than he looked, the second Scary McFuckface saw him he ordered him up to his office.
And that was where Logan found himself now, trying to look like an adult and trying not to cry as he man glared at him from across the desk. According to the metal placard between them, Scary McFuckface’s real name was Jamie Williams.
“You’re not eighteen, are you?”
“I’m older than I look.”
“I would hope so considering you look about twelve and that hair doesn’t help. How old are you really, kid?”
“Eighteen.”
“No, you’re not. Because Timothy Gellard as listed on your papers doesn’t actually exist. What’s your real name?”
“Timothy Gellard.”
“Kid—” He rubbed his temples wearily. “You know forging this shit is a serious crime, right? The fine alone is worth more than you are.”
“Maybe you should try checking again.” His confidence in this charade was waning fast.
“Why are you so eager to die?” Mr. Williams asked. “You’re what, fourteen? Fifteen? What’s got a high school freshman so eager to run off and get himself killed? What are you running from?” Logan had sworn he wasn’t going to cry but his eyes hadn’t gotten the message.
“I’ll just run away again.” He sniffled. “If you send me back to them my last foster mom was about to return me, so I’ll just run away again. Third time’s the charm, maybe this time I’ll join the circus. No one wants me anyway.”
And for a moment, Scary McFuckface softened. Then he picked up the phone.
“Hey, Love? Do you have a minute?” Logan could hear a voice on the other end but he couldn’t tell what they were saying. “No, no, I promise, nothing’s wrong, but some dumbass kid came in with fake papers and a death wish. It got me thinking, did you still want kids? I know you’ve mentioned it before—” The man on the line was yelling, Logan could tell it was a man now. “Yes, I know this is sudden but he just showed up! I don’t know what else to do with him—Preston—Preston, please, that’s why I’m asking instead of just bringing him home—Well I figured the guest room, nobody’s stayed there since you got your appendix out and your mother came to visit—okay—okay—Alright I’ll ask him now—Well I figured I should check with you first, you’re always on me about not thinking things through—Okay bye, Love, I’ll see you tonight!” He hung up with the other man still yelling.
“What was that all about?” Logan asked.
“That was my husband,” said Mr. Williams. “He’s a sweetheart, always wanted kids, and he’s on board with this so if you are I’ll make you a deal. You can come stay with Preston and me until we figure out what to do with you, sleep in our guest room, and you won’t get in any trouble for this.” He held up the papers. “But in return, you have to do something around here when you actually turn eighteen. Enlist then if you still want to, but you gotta find some way to make yourself useful. Sound good?”
It didn’t seem real. People didn’t want him. Mr. Williams and his husband would be sick of his hyperactivity within the week.
“…Okay.”
Mr. Williams actually smiled.
“What’s your name, kid? Your real name.”
The desk calendar read June 10th.
“Logan. Logan Kang.”
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Close Quarters
Prompt: Lexa and Clarke (unbeknownst to each other's feelings) somehow stranded in a cabin in the middle of a snowstorm and just that cheesy trope of taking care of each other, maybe needing to retain heat *ahem*
NB: Not quite a cabin!
"It appears," Lexa said, far too calmly for someone who'd just spotted snow falling like thick pellets as the ground crunched beneath them, "that winter is coming."
Clarke scrunched her nose. "Bit dramatic much?"
"Winter is coming," Indra defended her Commander with an unpleasant curl of the lips. She bristled past Clarke and approached Lexa. "We must make camp, Heda. It's unsafe to stay on the road. Bandits are a nuisance; the frost will be death."
"I know." Lexa sighed, and as she exhaled, the breath spilled from her mouth as a cloud of fog. Between them, they had enough furs to keep warm. Lexa had anticipated the turn of weather, though she hadn't prepared for it to happen so suddenly, and for them to be stranded in the middle of the forest.
Clarke blamed the dead body riding behind them on the cart. This was fucking awkward. They'd been on their way to Arkadia to present Nia's dead body as a sign of truce, but clearly, the snowfall was a sign of Nia's bitch spirit giving one last middle finger. What a cow, Clarke thought bitterly, and that was simply because she genuinely believed her nose was going to fall off.
"Can we just..." Clarke faffed about with her hands, "Make a fire? Set up camp?"
"It's too cold," Indra said.
"Well, if we make a fire, we'll warm ourselves up."
"It's too cold," Indra said again.
"A bonfire?"
"It's. Too. Cold."
"I don't mean any disrespect," Clarke said loudly, annoyed that Indra was obviously ignoring her and Lexa looked like she was going to laugh. It was always pleasant seeing Lexa smile, carefree and beautiful, but not when Nia's dead dickwad of a spirit was clearly haunting them. "But how else do you propose we get warm without starting a fire? I'll start a fucking fire right now. You watch me. You—" It occurred to her then that Indra was still ignoring her, and Lexa was still trying to suppress a laugh—by grinning broadly. "I'm starting this fire."
Aware she was being watched by two idiots, Clarke stormed off to find some wood. Most of it was wet and sodden, but underneath piles of logs there were dry ones, and there was tinder. It wasn't much, and it wouldn't be a big fire, but it was something. It was better than standing stock-still like Lexa and Indra were doing. Though Clarke couldn't help but wonder if they were conspiring. Lexa was still smirking, and when Clarke tossed the logs onto the ground and set to work, a quick glance up caught Indra smirking back at her Commander.
She didn't like this.
She could see Indra, standing perfectly still, apparently unaffected by the atrocious cold. Clarke wasn't sure if it was a sign of defiance or if she was simply mocking her, because Lexa wasn't hiding anything. Underneath her furs she was shivering, and proceeded to gently bopping on the spot in a vain attempt to keep herself warm. Yet neither of them moved to help her.
"Indra, you'll guard Nia's body," Lexa said quietly. "Perhaps the cold will preserve her. We shall not present the Skaikru with a rotting, unidentifiable corpse. Maybe it is actually best you stay out."
"I can handle myself, Heda," Indra said. Clarke believed her. "But you need to find shelter."
"I know the trees, Indra. Do you not remember?" Lexa smiled at her. "I am of Trikru."
Indra, to Clarke's disbelief, smiled back. "You always were and always will be."
"Clarke," Lexa called, after about fifteen minutes. Clarke cursed silently. "How goes your fire?"
The trio stood in sullen silence for a while—well, Lexa and Indra seemed amused, but Clarke was not. The snow had dampened in her hair, and she looked like a sad dog. Her fire was non-existent; rather, it was a pile of miserable twigs and soggy logs. "See for yourself," she snapped, when Lexa decided to laugh outright. "Why don't you come here and make it, then?"
"I admire your effort. Indra will find a safe-spot to build a fire and guard Nia's body. I had another idea."
"Making a fire?"
"In the open? Did months of being Wanheda teach you nothing?" Lexa was teasing her, and Clarke didn't appreciate it. She didn't appreciate the way she enjoyed the sight of Lexa smiling at her, and for a few moments, in a very long while, she did not see Lexa's startled eyes gazing back at her as Clarke pressed the cold blade of Roan's dagger to her throat. She did not see the guilt, and she did not feel her chest crush. "We will find a shelter. Indra, do not stray."
"I won't."
"A shelter?" Clarke repeated, dumbfounded. "Where the hell are you going to find a shelter?"
Lexa was smiling too much today. It was that, or she just hadn't seen Lexa smile in a while. Too much time had been spent fighting, arguing, peace-brokering...Lexa's brow often seemed permanently fixed into a frown, and whilst nothing could make Lexa look bad (and she totally knew it), killing Nia must have been a weight lifted off her chest. Thinking back, it was reckless, violent and completely paradoxical. It went against everything Lexa's coalition stood for, yet jus drein jus daun had been the result. Clarke didn't know if Lexa had betrayed her coalition in her act of vengeance, or dispensed Grounder justice.
"I'm of the trees," Lexa said again. "I know of shelters."
"You knew of one? Has it occurred to you I'm freezing my tits off?"
Lexa tried not to look down at her breasts, and Clarke rolled her eyes. Really? Still not over them? "It was amusing," she offered mildly, and Indra nodded in eager support. Clarke glowered at them. "You were defeated by wood."
"Whatever. Look, if we're going to get Nia's body to Arkadia, we should—"
"—Rest up," said Lexa. "It is pointless to ride when we are so tired. Tiredness renders us defenceless. We will reach Arkadia soon. But for now, it is more important for you—for us—to keep warm. Safe."
Clarke tried to pretend she hadn't caught Lexa's slip-up in words. She could already see Lexa's blush creeping up her neck and it wasn't because she was cold; the furs had ensured that well enough. Still, she made no comment. She has no right. Yet she couldn't help but feel her stomach clench painfully at the thought. She blinked, too slowly, and saw Lexa's earnest eyes looking up at her as she bowed, swearing fealty. She thought back to the elegance and integrity of her vow, and she thought back to how her heart had stopped when Roan kicked her down in the fighting pit. She thought of how her heart throbbed wantonly as Lexa slipped into her room in nothing but her night-gown to thank her.
I should have kissed her. Clarke snapped back to reality as soon as the thought hit her mind, and she stumbled, nearly losing her footing in the snow. Quick as an arrow, Lexa darted out and held out a hand. Clarke didn't take it, and Lexa withdrew awkwardly. "Are you alright? Do you need some water?"
"I'm fine." Clarke shook her head. "Let's find this shelter."
"Which idiot built this out of stone?"
"You're angry. Freezing temperatures can affect our mood."
"No, I'm not angry," Clarke said defensively. "It's fucking freezing!"
"It isn't as cold as Indra out there," Lexa said. "I'm sorry I asked you to give your furs up, but Indra needs them. She must guard the body."
"I'm not angry about that. I know she needs them."
"It's only for one night," Lexa said softly. Clarke tried not to focus too much on their surroundings. The stone walls were bare and the floor was too cold to go barefoot. It wasn't particularly spacious but there was a hard bed in the corner of the shelter, and someone had obviously been here recently. There was stale bread and mouldy cheese which they threw out. All three of them had been too cold to hunt, relying solely on their dried meat and berries in their provision packs, but their bellies rumbled. And it was really, really cold.
"We probably shouldn't have given the bed furs to Indra," Clarke lamented, looking at their bare, stone bed. It reminded her of the programmes she used to watch on the Ark with Wells. God, that had been so long ago. And she was still eighteen. Clarke self-consciously rubbed her neck. She'd aged about forty years in the space of two minutes. I've killed about six hundred people in about two minutes...
"She needs those furs. The temperature outside is deathly."
"The temperature inside here is deathly."
"I have my cloak," Lexa offered awkwardly. They weren't really good at this small-talk situation. Only days ago, the invitation Lexa had accepted from Clarke to talk to her, alone in a room, had been met with a blade to her throat. It wasn't exactly conversational material. Wordlessly, Lexa shuck the coat off. Underneath her furs and cloak she was wearing nothing but a simple tunic tucked into her breeches, and though Clarke knew Lexa was slim, not skinny, she looked far too underdressed.
Clarke shook her head. "Absolutely not. I'm not carrying two dead powerful idiots back to Arkadia."
"Three. Indra would likely kill you," Lexa said, smiling at her.
For some reason, Clarke smiled back.
"Be logical about this," Lexa pled. "We'll share my cloak tonight. It is only for tonight. We needn't speak of it—ever," she added, when she saw the hesitant look on Clarke's face. "You have my word. I know what you think of me, Clarke, but I just want you to be warm."
Sometimes, it was dangerously easy to forget that Lexa had left her, cold and bitter by the Mountain. It was easy to forget that this was the Commander who'd let a village burn just to keep an inside man safe. It was easy to forget that Lexa had used Clarke for her reputation as Wanheda in Polis. She'd never made it to Polis because Lexa wanted to see her out of sentimentality.
And it was easy to forget that everything Lexa had ever done had been justified.
It was easy to forget reasoning when Clarke so desperately wanted a scapegoat. It was easy to forget when Clarke pushed blame away from herself, from her people—and the next closest thing, always present, always there—had been Lexa.
Always.
"No inappropriate touching," Clarke joked, trying to lighten up the sudden tension in the room. She did not feel very cold anymore. "My mum will cut your hand off."
"Of course." Lexa inclined her head respectfully, her cheeks flustered. It was enough to make Clarke's heart twinge, but infinitely funnier that Lexa had taken it seriously. She didn't quite have the heart to tell Lexa she was mocking her.
They fell into a rhythm, though. After Lexa advised Clarke to keep some of their food rations for tomorrow, seeing the way Clarke had devoured the majority of her pack, they'd placed Lexa's cloak (and later blanket) onto the floor and sat down and...talked. Lexa had already, to Clarke's insistence, swapped food bags with her, after not quite overcoming the sheer lack of food in Clarke's. But then they really did converse, and Clarke would never admit it, but it felt good. She'd missed talking to Lexa—properly. So much of the time they'd spent together they'd discussed war tactics, their loyalties to their people—and it was an endless cycle. Tonight, they spoke about horses, the different clans, the length of winter, the Polisian festivals ("You must come to the full-moon feast—Kendall of the Sun Clan imports the best sweetcakes, and you will enjoy them. I know you will."), Lexa's horror at Clarke's inability to swim, and chess, which Clarke spent a solid hour trying to explain the rules. Lexa concluded that it sounded "ridiculous" and could not fathom why there were kings, queens yet no Commanders.
"That isn't a valid representation of our hierarchy," Lexa had said sternly. "What about the clan leaders? And must there only be two of each, except the pawns? There are thirteen clans in our coalition."
Clarke gave up.
Upon hearing Indra's loud snores (overly loud—as if she was trying to send a message), they prepared for bed. Lexa had the decency of letting Clarke choose which side of their stony bed to lie in, and draped her cloak over Clarke's body before clambering in tentatively beside her. They stayed silent. Lexa's back was ramrod straight, and her arms were frigidly still by her side. She looked like a corpse, and Clarke bit down on her tongue to refrain from making a joke about Nia.
Darkness settled when Indra's fire dwindled down, but Clarke was very aware of the fact that she was still awake, and so was Lexa. Lexa, impressively, had not actually moved—not an inch—but Clarke's eyes had adjusted to the lack of light and she could see the erratic movement of Lexa's chest heaving up and down.
"Lexa," Clarke muttered, a little sleepily. "Relax. And take some of your cloak. It's big enough to share."
"It's warmer if you wrap it around yourself twice," Lexa advised. She still lay in that ridiculous position.
"Yes, it is, but you'll be colder than Nia's body if you don't get under," Clarke said impatiently, and shifted, despite Lexa's protests. Clumsily, she threw one half of the cloak over Lexa's shuddering body, and sighed. "Better?"
"Much better. Thank you."
"And you don't need to sleep like you're dead, either. Granted, I let you talk about death all the time, but you don't need to actually behave like a corpse."
"I would assume you—I don't know if I may move in my sleep."
"That's fine. Sorry in advance if I kick you. I do that a lot."
"Do you sleep beside many people a lot?"
Clarke turned to stare at her, though she could not make out the outline of Lexa's face. She frowned. "That's not what I meant," she said hastily.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes."
"You know, you're right."
"I know. What am I right about?"
Clarke nearly hit her, but she was too cold to move and Lexa was still looking ridiculous with her corpse imitation. "It's really cold even sharing a cloak," she said, shaking her head. "We should probably try to just...freeze so our body systems shut down and we can sleep?"
"That sounds both unsafe and stupid," Lexa said flatly. "Come here. Get under the covers."
"Excuse me?"
"And take your top off," Lexa said, shucking off her tunic. Clarke was quite sure Lexa could see her gaping like a fish, even in the darkness. Okay—this was not an invitation for sex. She wasn't sure what Lexa was thinking, or if she'd found some shrooms and taken them without telling Clarke, but this was not cool. She didn't budge, and Lexa prodded her as if to prompt her. It came from bizarrely nowhere, and Lexa shifted so she rested on her side. Clarke averted her gaze from Lexa's naked body. "What?"
"You're naked," Clarke said dully.
"You are not impressed?"
Clarke, a little aghast that Lexa had the indecency to joke now when she'd been so courteous all day, really did smack her this time, on the arm. "You know, when I was talking about freezing to death, I didn't mean sleep with me."
"This isn't a romantic gesture," Lexa explained. "It's about body warmth. Sometimes it is a necessity. During the pre-coalition wars, I had many a bed-partner during our march north. It helps."
Okay. Clarke shook the thought of many bed-partners from her mind and tried to stomach Lexa's suggestion. Lexa, who was still very much naked and expectant, lying beside her. This was ridiculous, but it made sense. Biologically. Between them, it was awkward as fuck. Still, she supposed it was less awkward than having to share body warmth with Indra. Clarke swallowed, her eyes inadvertently trailing down from Lexa's eyes to her exposed neck. Naively, she hoped in the darkness that Lexa would not see her, but Clarke's eyes would not avert themselves from Lexa's small but shapely breasts, the muscled flatness of her stomach, and the scars and scratches on her tattooed, otherwise smooth skin.
Another twinge. It wasn't in her chest this time.
Clarke groaned overdramatically, and ripped off her tunic. "We're not talking about this. Ever."
"You have my word." Lexa shuffled and held her arms open for Clarke to sink into. Clarke stared at her stupidly for a moment. "I harbour no indecent intent, Clarke. I'm cold. You're cold. We're both adults, and we're both logical."
"Right. And we're not talking about this."
"You said that."
"I know, but I want to clarify—"
"You have my word," Lexa repeated, firmly. Clarke sunk into Lexa's embrace, and hated how easily she became overwhelmed, almost instantly. The faint woody smell against Lexa's neck felt like home. The way her shorter frame slotted perfectly against Lexa, and the way she was just tall enough to rest her head on the crook of Lexa's neck was too much; it made Clarke want to tug Lexa closer, and she did. Her hands immediately wrapped around Lexa's waist, and she inhaled her scent deeply, tugging her closer. I don't want this. I don't want her. It sounded so unconvincing. Lexa was polite enough to keep it completely platonic.
Clarke didn't want to remember the safety net that were Lexa's arms, smothering her body with warmth. She knew Lexa still cared for her. Lexa prided herself on being unpredictable, but a battlefield was different to a relationship. Her eyes carried her soul, especially in front of Clarke, and she'd spent every waking moment in Polis reeling from the way her insults hurt Lexa's gaze. She spent every breakfast feeling Lexa's eyes on her, seeing them soften at the very mention of her name. Lexa still cared for her, and Clarke didn't know what to do. And then she'd tried to kill her.
This was fucked-up, and they both knew it. Still, Clarke buried her face closer against Lexa's neck, not wanting to catch that look in Lexa's eyes. Not tonight. She could feel the heat of Lexa's lithe body, still as anything, pressed up against her. And truthfully, she wasn't entirely sure she could trust herself to remain platonic in this as Lexa could. Even if it wasn't affection or love or whatever the fuck it was—it didn't stop Clarke's mind telling her body that Lexa was here. Lexa was beautiful. Lexa wanted her. Badly. Lexa would kiss her back. Lexa would touch her so reverently, so gently. All it would take was just a tiny peck, a slip of the tongue. All it would take was one night.
Clarke had tried to kill Lexa anyway. Using her for sex for one night was not as brutal as leaving her by the Mountain.
"Are you warm?" Lexa asked quietly, when the silence became stifling. They were both keenly aware that they were both still awake, and Clarke's last thought evaporated guiltily. I can't believe I just thought that. "Is this alright?"
"Yeah—yeah, it's fine," Clarke said, distracted. "Sorry, I was thinking."
"It's alright. If you are uncomfortable, let me know, and I will move accordingly."
"It's—are you okay? Are you comfortable?"
"We're just keeping each other warm," Lexa mumbled, dipping her head down ever so slightly. Clarke's chest felt like it would never stop aching for her. She knew Lexa cared, but Lexa knew that she knew. It was an impossible situation, after they'd placed themselves in impossible, horrible circumstances. And fuck, it really hurt. Clarke could feel it. She didn't want to imagine how Lexa felt. "That's all."
"Lexa..."
"We'll deliver Nia to Arkadia tomorrow. If we ride early we can avoid this. It's fine."
"I know."
"We will deliver Arkadia justice. Your people, as you've mentioned so frequently, deserve as much."
"I know. Lexa—"
"We will return to Polis, and you will have your wish." Clarke stayed silent, inquisitive. "We'll never speak of it." She could hear the smile in Lexa's voice.
Could people go on living like this? Self-imprisoned in pain and betrayal and distrust? Clarke knew she couldn't. She knew she couldn't trust Lexa—not yet, anyway. But trust or not, it had nothing to do with the sometimes youthful naivety Lexa held in her eyes whenever she approached Clarke in Polis with an invitation to look over the city from the walls. Sometimes, Lexa proudly showed her around the various different places in Polis and they'd spend an afternoon reading books from the Old World. Sometimes, Lexa retrieved unimportant letters in Trigedasleng in an effort to help Clarke learn the language at her request. Sometimes, Lexa behaved as if her invite to Polis, just outside the Mountain, had been instantly accepted, Clarke had arrived, and nothing else had happened. No genocide had occurred. And most of the time, Clarke appreciated it.
Everyone reminded Clarke of the crime she'd committed, except the one person who'd betrayed her at Mount Weather. Clarke shouldered the burden every minute except for the minutes she spent with Lexa, where the burden was so massive on her slim shoulders it overshadowed Clarke's.
Clarke didn't like that thought. She didn't like Lexa, haunted at night.
"I don't hate you," Clarke admitted softly, her lips pressed against Lexa's collarbone. It was the truth. It had taken her months and an attempted assassination to say it, but it was her heart. "I don't. I really don't."
Lexa nodded against her, and pulled her closer. Clarke tried not to get sucked in by the intoxication that was Lexa kom Trikru, but they both knew where they stood. They weren't there yet. But naked, and pressed hot up against Lexa's body, Clarke had never felt safer. The brief feeling of arousal was not gone. It felt like a background presence. All Clarke truly felt was safety, and maybe the willingness to walk along the tightrope that was this journey with Lexa. Because for once, she knew Lexa had given her a safety net below.
Lexa's reply was quiet. "I know. And one day, I hope you know how I feel."
"I know how you feel, Lexa."
"No, Clarke, you don't."
Against everything she believed in, against every voice in her mind screaming at her, Clarke leant up to press a kiss against Lexa's lips. It was chaste, but lingering. It was the very memory of Lexa and her lessons, her smiles, her flat jokes, her voice—that had stayed with Clarke in isolation for all those months in the woods, alone. It was Lexa in Polis, guarded, polite, and unable to stare at her without giving herself away. Clarke broke off their kiss, and stroked Lexa's cheek. "I don't hate you," she repeated quietly.
Lexa nodded, a little more understanding this time.
It still hurt.
"I know."
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