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wormstacheangel · 3 years

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Regrets in Heaven

Hello. I was gonna just write the scene with Jimmy but wanted to write Ellen in because Samantha wanted to be in the finale and I love her so much. Oh this is happy ending story btw cause I will never hurt you guys like that. We are in enough pain.

I should also say, the whole Dean death scene honestly felt like he gave up. To me at least. So I just write Dean like that and he regrets doing so.

Word Count: 2761

Bobby got up from his chair as finished off his beer. Dean looked up at him wondering where he could be going when he just got here, the beer still full from the one crap sip he took of it. “Well come on. Ain’t getting any deader.”

“Is that what we do here? Dead jokes?”

Bobby shrugs easily as Dean starts to follow him towards the entrance. “It’s funny cause it’s true.”

Dean rolled his eyes, a fond smile growing on his lips.

Bobby stopped mid doorway to face Dean again. “Oh shoot! Wait, Dean, about Ca-”

“Dean!” Dean looked away from Bobby and his eyes widened when he saw the familiar figure walking over to him with arms wide open, welcoming. “Oh come here! Give me a damn hug for keeping me waiting for so long.”

“Ellen,” Dean sighed happily as soon as he was in her arms. His face dipped low to hide in her shoulders. “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.”

She squeezes him. “Wish you kept me waiting a little longer.” She pulls away and reaches to take his face in her hands. Looking at him as if trying to read his whole life in his eyes. “I’m so sorry it ended this way for you, honey.”

“I’m fine with it.” Dean automatically responded but she must have heard the bullshit in his voice. Her eyebrows raised and she gave him the familiar don’t-you-dare-lie-to-me-boy kind of look only a mom can give. “I’m trying to be at least.”

She smiled warmly at him and patted one of his cheeks, a little too hard, before she stepped away from him. “Yeah, takes a while to accept it but that boy of yours fixed this place,” She motioned to the roadhouse. “Nobody has to sneak around anymore. Ash is out there helping Go-oh, um Jack, with the whole heaven thing. Who knew our Ash would be side by side with the great almighty.”

Dean smiles at the mention of his kid. Trying to picture Ash and Jack working together but the thought of it alone was giving him a headache he doesn’t want to be around.

“Does Jack visit often?” Dean asked while following Ellen to the bar. He sat at a stool and then almost fell off when Jo popped up from behind with a bright grin. “Son of a- For fuck’s sake, Jo! Don’t fucking do that.”

Jo laughed and placed a cold beer on the counter. “Hi to you too, Dean.”

Dean reached across the bar to give her an awkward hug but squeezed her nonetheless. “Jo, still sticking around the roadhouse?”

“For now.” She pulled back to smile at him. “Kinda wanna explore as soon as your kid and Ash fix the whole place up. He’s a good kid by the way.”

“Yeah, he’s great.” Ellen says from behind the bar now. “Called Bobby grandpa once and had him blubbering like a fool for an hour.”

Bobby blushed under his trucker hat, making a noise of distaste but not denying it so Dean laughed. Reaching to touch Bobby’s shoulder. “Hey, the kid needs one grandfather who doesn’t want to kill him. Glad it’s you, Bobby.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Bobby grumbled and they all laughed.

Soon more friends and family started walking in to visit. First came Charlie and Dean had to force himself to let her go but followed her for most of the time. Kevin came in and Dean picked him up into a bear hug, “Kevin freaking Solo made it to heaven!”

The place started to fill in pretty quickly after that. Dean spent most of the time hugging old friends and catching up with those he lost a long time ago. Even victims they couldn’t save came to visit him to thank him for saving friends and family. It was a crowded house by the end of the day.

Music blasting and drinks spilling everywhere. There was laughter and life everywhere he looked. It was everything he wanted but he could still feel that knot in his stomach because he knew something was missing. Someone was missing.

Dean needed some air and excused himself from the group to walk outside. Once again ready to pray. Hoping that he could hear him.

Dean sat back down on one of the rocking chairs and leaned his head back with his eyes closed, a smile on his lips. Picturing his angel smiling back at him, looking back at him with a glow that he always carried. Not his grace but just the pure energy of Cas.

“Cas,” Dean starts and he could already feel the tears forming. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I gave up on… everything. I should have tried harder to live but I thought that maybe - Billie once told me that when I die I would be sent to the Empty. I hoped - no. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have given up like that. I was weak. I was excited to see you but that was just… just a waste of your sacrifice.”

Dean didn’t say anything as he rocked a few times in silence. Then he took a deep breath as he continued his prayer.

“I miss you. Wish you were here so I can tell you. To tell you everything.” Dean opened his eyes with a heavy sigh and was going to head back inside when he froze. His eyes falling on the person looking at him from across the dirt path. “Cas?”

Dean was already running towards him ready to bring him into his arms but Cas held his hands out to stop him.

“Whoa! Whoa, Dean, it’s me! It’s um, Jimmy!” Jimmy looked at him with wide eyes and then placed a hand on his chest as he let out a sigh of relief when Dean dropped his arms. “I thought you were gonna tackle me for a second.”

“I-I’m sorry.” Dean saw the face of the man he loved but then noticed the glow was not around him. “I thought you were-”

“Cas, yeah heard you.” Jimmy motioned towards the rocking chair. “You pray out loud you know that?”

Dean shuffled his feet as he looked down at the dirt. Not being able to look at him anymore. The wrong voice coming out of his mouth. “Yeah, I just wanna make sure he hears me.”

“Yeah? Does that work cause I’ve been praying to him all these years too but nothing.”

“What… what do you want with Cas?”

“I wanna know how my daughter is doing. He promised to take care of her of my wife but-”

“Yeah, sorry about her.” Dean motioned for the rocking chairs. “But I can catch you up on Claire if you want. As her honorary uncle and all that.”

“Oh no,” Jimmy’s face fell at that but followed Dean to the rocking chair’s. Dean was glad the chair’s sat next to each other so he could just look ahead and not at Jimmy. “No offense but I was hoping she stayed far from you.”

“Too bad. She texted me and Cas all the time. Mostly dumb things and her reassuring us that’s she fine.”

They sat there for a while Dean bragging about Claire like a proud father. Not looking at Jimmy the whole time. Even when he went silent or he made a gasping noise because Dean told him the close calls Claire had to go through.

“And she likes… hunting?” Jimmy asked again and Dean let out a breath of a laugh. “And girls?”

“Yeah. Last I heard she and Kaia were looking for a place of their own.”

“Ah.” Jimmy hummed before he clapped his hands together. “That’s great. I’m glad my little girl is happy and alive.”

Dean hummed with a nod and then they both sat in silence for a while.

“I should get going. Amelia is waiting for me. She didn’t want to come and welcome you.” He stood up and Dean followed after him to walk him off the porch at least. Jimmy turned around to face him and it felt like a punch in a gut to see those eyes. He held his hand out for Dean to take but Dean couldn’t make himself touch him. Jimmy closed his fist and took his hand back. “Okay, well, thank you for taking care of my daughter all these years. I was hoping Cas would be here but-”

“He’s dead.” Dean says it quickly before Jimmy keeps talking about him.

Jimmy looks at him and smiles. “Yes, we all are.”

“No, I mean he’s not in heaven he’s in the…” Dean couldn’t make himself say it.

“Dean,” Jimmy reaches over and touches Dean’s shoulder. Forcing him to look back at those baby blues that didn’t shine like Cas’s. “Cas was the one that invited me to this party of yours. He said he was going to meet me here as soon as he was done working with God.”

Dean opened his mouth to say something but his mouth went dry. Cas. Cas is here?

“But talking to you was enough.” He says as he starts to walk away again. “When he comes, tell him to come visit when he has time. You can visit too if you like. Maybe next time you can look at me while we talk.”

Dean watched Jimmy get into a car and then disappear from his view. Leaving him dumbstruck but his heart raced in anticipation.

Dean closed his eyes again, “Cas? You have your ears on? Cause if you can hear me and you don’t get your feathery ass down-”

“No need to threaten me. I’m right here.” He hears the familiar voice, deep and rough. He sounded tired and Dean opened his eyes to see him walking over to him. His shoulders hunched over more than usual. “Sorry to keep you waiting. I wanted to be the first to welcome you but we lost Ash in a different dimension for a few minutes and Jack was freaking out. You know how bad that is.”

Cas fell into the chair in a huff.

“It was a long day.” Cas finished as he closed his eyes with a sigh.

Dean watched him. Looked him over once, twice, three times not sure how to move forward with this conversation. Should he continue the small talk or go straight to the unspoken confession.

“Dean, stop staring. It’s creepy.” Cas cracked a smile and Dean huffed out a laugh, rolling his eyes but didn’t stop looking at him. Watching Cas lean forward on the chair, elbows on his knees, while he looks up at him, his eyes bright and glowing. This was Cas. “Sorry I didn’t answer your prayers.”

“I’m used to it.”

Cas flinched at that. “Yes, sorry.”

“What the hell you’ve been here since-!”

“I don’t want to fight, Dean.” Cas reaches hesitantly to take Dean’s hand. He was gonna pull away but instead he gripped Cas’s hand tightly in his own. “I missed you too.”

Dean walked forward so he could stand in between Cas’s legs. Watching as Cas looked up at him with curious round eyes. Head tilted just a little.

“You’re so stupid. You know that.”

Cas nodded with a teasing smile. “Yes, I learn from the best.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile back at him as he reached to cradle Cas’s face with his free hand. “I missed you so much, Cas.” Dean feels Cas’s skin under his palm and he feels his chest tighten up. “I thought I really lost you, Cas. I thought-”

“Me too.”

“Cas,” Dean leaned down so his forehead could touch Cas’s own. “Let me talk okay?”

“O-of course.”

Dean smiled as he closed his eyes. Feeling the radiating warmth that always surrounded Cas. Home.

“I love you, Cas.” Dean finally says and it sounds off because his throat feels like he swallowed a bunch of sandpaper but he keeps talking. “I love you and I’m sorry I gave up on life when you sacrificed yourself for me to live. I just… I wasn’t thinking. I was dumb. I’m so sorry.”

Cas quickly let go of Dean’s hand and then pulled him down to make him awkwardly sit on his lap. Dean was going to protest the whole thing out of instinct but he took a deep breath to calm down. Letting Cas cradle him to his chest and hold him so tightly, comforting him with the touch Dean craved for years.

“Dean,” Cas starts as Dean starts to relax in his hold. Feeling Cas lean down and press his forehead down on Dean’s own. “I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. You worked so hard and deserve a break. Deserve peace but death is not the answer.”

He was going to open his mouth to agree but Cas pressed a kiss on Dean’s forehead. Making him melt and quiet.

“I will have Jack send you back.” Cas continued.

Dean opened his eyes to argue. He already missed all his friends and family that were still inside the roadhouse partying like it was 1965.

“No arguing. I want you to live, Dean. I want you to find your peace in life. You deserve that.”

“No.” Dean firmly said as he gripped at Cas’s shirt. “Not without you, Cas.”

Cas smiled and let his lips hover over Dean’s face for a few seconds before Dean tilted his head to finally bring their lips together into a long awaited kiss. Dean reached to cradle Cas’s face in one of his hands as Cas held him in his arms, wrapping tightly and securely around him. Promising to never let go again.

“You should go enjoy your party.” Cas says as he pulls away just enough for Dean to breath. “I’ll send you back in the morning.”

Dean clings to him again, hand in Cas’s hair, as he tilts his head to taste his mouth once again. “I want to stay with you.”

Cas hummed as a response with a smile and Dean knew that wasn’t an answer.

Dean positioned himself to be straddling Cas, shocking him in the process so Dean took that opportunity to kiss him once again. Slowly at first before deepening it, feeling Cas’s tongue against his own felt like he was finally in heaven. They made out like that for a while longer before Dean pulled away, Cas making a small whine as he did so.

“Come with me?” Dean snuggled their noses together as he left little kisses all over the angel’s face. “Stay with me? Grow old with me?”

Cas' smile grew bigger at the words. “Of course.”

They both laughed into their next kiss, a tingle of excitement running through them. They are gonna live a long happy together on Earth. Dean will get a job and Cas can do whatever he wants to do as long as he was asleep in Dean’s bed at the end of the day.

They went inside to enjoy their family's company and before the sun rose the next day, they were both back on Earth.

Scaring a mourning Sam and Eileen who were ready to set Dean’s body on the logs for the hunter's funeral.

Jack flew down with them and they had a big family breakfast at a local dinner, after the reunion hugs and tears of course.

“So you and Cas?” Sam nudged Dean as they walked out of the dinner. The brothers watched Eileen and Cas signing to each other too quickly for either of them to keep up while Jack stood between them finishing the lollipop that the waitress gave him, as he grinning inconfusion. Just as lost as the brothers.

“He wants to be human with me.” Dean tells him, sounding just as breathless as he felt. Still in disbelief that an angel actually loved him. “I love him, Sammy.”

“I know.” Sam chuckles. “I’ve known for a while.”

Sam walked ahead and wrapped an arm around Eileen’s shoulder to pull her in close. She hit his arm for interrupting them but Sam leaned down to kiss her. Being forgiven easily.

Cas stretched out a welcoming hand out and Dean took it quickly, twining their fingers together and bringing Cas’s hand up to his lips for a kiss.

“Okay, let’s go home.” Dean loudly announced as he looked around his family’s faces. Remembering the faces of the family that were waiting for him upstairs and grateful for the family he has here on Earth. He would make this life worth it. Happy.

Tag List: @galaxycastiel

#Also john winchester can fuck off he is not jack's grandpa #Destiel #Deancas #Supernatural #SPN #A More Profound OTP #My Writing #destiel fanfic #destiel ficlet #suicide cw #WormstacheWrites

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purplerose244 · 3 years

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Irrational - Chapter 5: I love you too much

HELLOOOOOOO!!! 🤩🤩

Here comes the fifth day of @spacecampweek with what is probably my favorite fic of the bunch! Little song-fic but not really situation in a normal world AU, where Krel is about to confess his feelings in a special way! 💕💕💕

Enjoy!! 😙

Summary: Prom is here at last, a night of entertainment, of happiness, to celebrate changes and the future. What better moment for Krel to finally express feelings that have been hidden for so long? Time to put those guitar lessons to some use...

Read it on the AO3

It was happening. No more holding back, no more thinking rationally about his chances without concluding a thing. Tonight, everything was going to change.

Prom had turned out to be an absolute oxymoron to walk into, between his deep appreciation for parties and his unsettledness at dealing with other people of different temperatures – or ‘cool’, as they liked to call themselves. Everyone was dancing like crazy, that was very good, and everyone was talking loud about nonsense, that was very not good. Adding to the unpleasantries was the music playing onto the stage, something pulsing yet in a hardly dynamic way. If this was another night, he would have liked to teach these people what real music sounded like and propose himself as a DJ, to properly say goodbye to Arcadia Oaks High. Then again, in another delson he would have not worn these kind of flashy clothes – he had lost the chance to call this a normal night the moment he had exited his house wearing a bow.

There was a lot of movement in the middle of the room, and in the middle some familiar faces. He could spot Jim’s questionable moves while Claire was laughing loudly with red cheeks, he could see Toby doing some robot moves while Darci danced along him, he managed to notice Aja spinning all over, between a super smiling Steve and an extremely radiant Eli.

It looked like they were all having fun, so much fun. Krel wasn’t… not yet.

“Hey Clint.”

He almost snorted at the sudden voice.

“Mary, I know you know my name at this point.”

“Whatever Kurt, whatcha up to?” The queen of the bees appeared in front of him, all sparkly in her pink shock dress. “Hank got all handsy, Dean is being shy, and that cute guy from Arcadia Oaks Academy that snuck in is being difficult. I’m up for some juice and it looks like you’re up to something.” And the queen of gossip too as well. She grinned at him, clearly playful. “Could it be you’ll stop being a wuss, at last? That would be nice!” He didn’t deny it. for a second. Big mistake, her eyes immediately widened, like she got struck by absolute knowledge. “Don’t tell me-”

He covered her mouth, realizing midway there that there was no point, the music was so loud it silenced everything. Despite that, he couldn’t bring her to say it. Not yet.

“Perhaps… maybe.”

Mary’s eyes turned into stars. She quickly wiped his hands off her.

“O-M-G, finally, I’ve been waiting for this for so long! Ha, I knew you were going to be the one to do it, Darci owes me five dollars! So does Logan! Pff, why was everyone betting on the space dork anyway… hey, what’s wrong?” She was perceptive. It happened after knowing each other for a couple of years. “Cheer up Kai.”

He laughed again. His chest felt like it was exploding, but in a good way. Seklos and Gaylen, for how long he had postponed what he was about to do, blaming time, work and consequences? It was terrifying in a way that was almost pleasant. Maybe. Perhaps.

“I am fine.” He swallowed, because of course the moment he had scanned the entire party, he had noticed it right away. Or rather, he had noticed a lack of him. “He… he is not here though.”

“He’s probably still bummed that he got into that accounting college his grumpy dad wants him to go but still doesn’t know about the engineering one.” Krel was holding his breath about that one too. Seamus had promised to be roommates in that case. Was it going to be weird if tonight wasn’t going to turn out the way he wanted? Was he going to be awkward around him? “Alright, I can smell burning thoughts, hashtag stopbeinganerd! You’re telling me you’re going to do it and I wanna know how, where and when, and if you try to chicken out now, I swear I’m gonna smash your precious guitar!” She sure knew how to get him riled up.

For the first time since he had come to this decision, Krel smiled, thinking of the backstage, the phases he had prepared into his head. He looked up, shaking his head.

“I believe that would be counterproductive for my plan.”

Mary’s mouth popped open, and if that wasn’t satisfying.

“No.”

“Kleb yes, I am not holding back.”

“That’s gonna be the bomb but you better don’t swoon anyone else, you dang charmer! I have all boy dates tonight and I wanna keep them focused on me only!” She giggled, patting his shoulder. “Just go for it, okay? You’re cool, even when you’re being a nerd.” It was as good of an encouragement as he could get right now. “Just wait until your dorky prince charming arri- Oh this is too perfect.” She was smirking, so much her makeup was scrunching up a little.

Krel didn’t have to turn around to know. He did it anyway.

What a view. This prince really wasn’t above physical appearance as he had first thought when he had arrived in Arcadia, powered by his absolute intellect, rationality, and general annoyance towards social interactions with amoebas. It had taken him a while, a whole while, to accept that even someone like him could get this soft inside.

Give then right time, and the right person.

Seamus was radiant, with the black jacket and the blue tie, with the polished shoes and the pulled back hair. From the relaxed eyes the discussion with his dad must had ended without a punishment, and he was actually smiling. Everything, he was so absolutely everything it made Krel choke up.

Mary was arching an eyebrow, although she most likely know what was going on. The prince swallowed, almost choking again, trying to keep his composure as usual.

Failing.

“… and… and you are absolutely sure…?”

“What in the world, Ken, yes! Yes he is completely head over heels for you, yes if you confess you bet your perfect grades he’s gonna reciprocate, yes the moment he will hear what you’ve prepared for him he might as well take a ring out of his pocket and propose in the middle of the dance room!” He grabbed his shoulders, shaking him a little. “You two are the absolute worst! C-bomb has actual guts to ask Jimmy Jam out, Darci and her Tobypie went for it naturally, even Steve is an idiot sometimes but not at dating and Aj and Eli practically gravitate around him! But you!!” She grabbed his collar, her stellar eyes turning into black holes. “You two are pining messes that I’m absolutely done with! So, I swear, Krel Tarron, if you don’t get on that stage and finally confess, you won’t have to make plans for college because this will be your last dance. Ever.” She could had stopped the threat at his actual name. That alone would have done it. Mary gave him the ‘I’m watching you gesture’, before backing down into the crowd without getting her eyes off.

Krel swallowed, nodded, watching her disappear into the party. Despite the dread of being murdered in cold blood being quite intense and even impressive, it was quickly washed away, as soon as Seamus looked at his direction with those blue eyes of him. There it was, that urge, that need to impress him somehow. It was their thing, the fulcrum of their rivalry that hadn’t stopped, even after years. The need to make the other break their mask of pride and turn it into amazement.

Bold enough, the prince grinned, winking at him. The way the blonde gaped warmed his heart. Was that pink on his cheeks? The lights were too strong and colorful, it was hard to tell.

Was it important? Not really. It was now or never.

Making his way towards the stage was a challenge itself, luckily his dancing skills were not to be ignored and swirling around these random kids was pretty easy and entertaining. The band was playing a pretty energetic movement, there was a keyboard player going absolutely nuts and a drummer doing their best. There was definitely something that could had been done to improve the whole performance – perhaps a few remixes on a DJ board, just saying –, but they were really into it. It almost felt bad going up there and show his own abilities.

Then again, Krel didn’t care.

He had a mission. With that determination in mind he immediately went behind the curtains of the stage, finding familiar locks of blue hair monitoring the situation. Having Douxie as the responsible one was still unusual, even though the ripped off pants and the numerous studs all over his suit were more likely. It probably wasn’t enough for him, he was tapping his foot over and over.

Krel cleared his voice, the older one turned, turning the frown into a smile.

“Krel, how’re you liking the show?” He snorted.

“Fine…” He really couldn’t help himself, it was too easy. “Would be better with some metal rock in it.” The smile was gone. Krel snorted again.

“Really, you’re going to put salt on it like that? Zoe already gives me a hard time because I didn’t get the Ash Dispersal Pattern to play here, don’t you get in the way too!” He turned to the band with a frown, shaking it. “‘Your music might not be a good example for the students’, fuzzbuckets, how old do you think these kids are?? Besides, how is techno a better alternative? Those moppets, I swear…” He muttered something under his breath, a curse most likely, then he sighed. “Alright, I’m fine. Extremely salty, but nothing a drink can solve later. I’m guessing you’re here to ask me something?” Perceptive. All of his friends had to be with him.

“Something like that, yeah…” He breathed in and breathed out, he was absolutely going for it but it didn’t make any of this easier for him. “Alright, I need a favor?”

Douxie smirked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh yeah? You need a favor from this random guy who got nominated supervisor as cold comfort for not having his band play tonight? Little old me?” He snickered, shaking his head. “Should have thought before you came here to mock, shouldn’t ya?”

“Hisirdoux…”

“Nope, can’t let this one go, I’m out of patience tonight and I need to get at least one gratification. How about you apologize to me? I’ll even help, start with ‘You are the best guitarist I’ve ever known’ and… whoa, wait, what are you doing?” Was it a bluff? Krel was bowing already, but perhaps his brain was messed up tonight. “Dude, how are you actually doing it? What is this favor all about?” Oh. Right. He was the most prideful person on the planet. He had almost forgot.

Krel straightened up, shrugging a little. From the tone of the current song, it seemed that this band was almost done. He peaked from behind the curtain. Seamus was talking with Steve, giggling a little. The prince couldn’t help clenching his hand around the shirt over his chest. Ah, he wanted this, he wanted all of this.

He felt a familiar wave of warm. He turned back to the guitarist, and Douxie was gaping, blinking several times. It was probably clear.

“I want to make an exhibition.” His honey eyes widened.

“… yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“… alright then.” Douxie smiled, pointing at the backstage with his head. “Prepare yourself Lover Boy, I’m announcing you right after this.” If it wasn’t to preserve what was left of his pride, Krel would have hugged him. “Is it DJ Kleb time?”

Krel moved a few steps towards the back. He stopped.

“No,” He turned to the guitarist, smirking. “It is Krel time.”

***

“Alright, give it up for ‘The Raise of the Titans’! Amazing performance you guys, can’t wait to properly see you on Wednesday!” Douxie always looked confident on stage, he was born to have the attention of a public. It was something he and Krel had in common. Right now though, there was only one look the prince wanted all for himself. “Hope you’re having a blast tonight! How’s prom going?” A cheer followed. “That’s great, because we have a special exhibition right now. A special song, for a special someone! Give it up for Krel Tarron!”

The wood under his feet made a sound after every step, it was drowned by the voiced in the crowd. It made him smile thinking how many people were going to be surprised by his presence, his appearance, and especially him appearing with a guitar instead of his beloved keyboard. There was a single stool in the middle of the place, with a microphone already adjusted for his high. He thought that really needed to thank Douxie after this, for everything, as he sat down with the instrument on his lap. He had accorded it while he was in the backstage, but out of habit he did it again, the sound reverberating into his mind. It was like a reality check, a call to the place, as he finally looked up to the public.

Aja looked close to crying, absolutely overjoyed. Mary was smirking so much her cheek looked like it was being pulled. Steve looked absolutely astonished. Toby was grinning impossibly wide. Eli had his glasses shining and a bit smile. Jim had amazed eyes over him. Claire looked ecstatic. Darci was giving him a thumbs up. Everyone was there, everyone.

And then there was him. Him, adorably confused and starstruck.

Krel grinned. I hope you are ready for this, you math blonde.

“This song is for a dear person to me. I have never been able to express my feelings properly before. I have never been particularly good at.” He let another note fill his silence, it made him smile again. “But I will not shy away from it, not anymore. I went through everything with you, high school, my problems, your problems, math and space and everything between,” There was no doubt, not anymore. “I want to go beyond now.”

His mind was peaceful, his body was burning. It felt like he had never been more alive before. His fingers knew what to do, that song was a part of him. He just took a deep breath, and let the music take over.

I love you too much

To leave without you loving me back

I love you too much

Heaven’s my witness and this is a fact

I know I belong, when I sing this song

There’s love above love and it’s ours

‘cause I love you too much

It used to be just him, his mind, and his sister. Them against the world, with a mother that wanted her to be proper, with a father that wanted him not to be him. Everything had turned out so badly at first without them, and so not badly after, to the point he had managed to make an actual life away from Cantaloupia. Then, the escape had become home. Then, it he had become the place where he had met the only guy that was ever going to make him feel.

It used to be just him, his mind, and his sister. Now it was him and his sister, friends and family, a home and the world, and so many feelings in between. This was the right place, this was the right time, this was the right guy.

It used to be just him, his mind, and his sister. Now he could hardly imagine himself without the blonde in the picture, the one that could cloud his mind and fill his heart.

I live for your touch

I whisper your name night after night

I love you too much

There’s only one feeling and I know it’s right

I know I belong, when I sing this song

There’s love above love and it’s ours

‘cause I love you too much

The two of them weren’t the easiest people to deal with, their lives weren’t the easiest lives to deal with. It had been because of a cruel game of destiny or a lucky shot from faith that they had found each other, Krel at Seamus’ door whenever he felt like he didn’t matter, and Seamus at Krel’s whenever he felt like exploding? Was it bad that in their worst some of their sweetest moments together were born? Was it bad that overwise they might had not become this much of friends?

They were living in a world that was cruel and unforgiving, with people even less likely to welcome them. Krel liked to think that by knowing each other, they had managed to overcome that obstacle, and meet also the people that were fine. That were okay.

They were okay. He was okay.

He had never forgotten that one moment of them, not once.

Heaven knows your name I’ve been praying

To have you come here by my side

Without you a part of me is missing

Just to make you my own, I will fight

The song was a tragically familiar one. During the worst of his pining, when he thought he was never going to be good enough for him, when he thought that he didn’t deserve to feel something this pure and breathtaking, this had always been the song. Shannon had taught him the first notes after she had gifted him the guitar after a curious sequence of events, and then Douxie had taken over teaching him all he had needed to know. It was all so familiar now he hardly had to think about how to move, where to put his fingers, if it was too strong or just okay. It was cheesy in a way he never thought he could possibly be, with feelings he never thought he could have.

Aja had always listened from her room, he knew she had even though she had never said it, because before going to sleep the same delson she had always come to hug him. Mary had always told him that playing a love song to cure his – stupid – pained heart seemed a little counterproductive. Maybe she was right. But even if everything was to end tonight, he didn’t care.

He liked love. He loved love. He loved Seamus.

I know I belong

When I sing this song

There’s love above love and it’s ours

‘cause I love you too much

Caught by the sudden burst into his chest Krel stood up, almost making his stool fall down. He didn’t care. Right there the crowd’s cheering came to his ears, and despite how much he wanted to scan the place and look for that familiar strawberry blonde mane in between, he forced himself not to. Not yet, not until he said everything, not until he was sure he had delivered everything he had inside. He shushed his mind and let the rest of his body sing.

I love you too much!

I love you too much

Heaven’s my witness and this is a fact

You live in my soul, your heart is my goal

There’s love above love and it’s mine, ‘cause I love you

There’s love above love and it’s yours, ‘cause I love you

There’s love above love and it’s ours, if you love me…

… as much

When the last note left his instrument, an urge to cry mixed to an absolute pride took over. He did it, he actually did it. In his mind the song was still echoing, beautifully in the open as it was always supposed to be played. He was drained and so, so happy.

Then, as his head finally allowed in something other than exhaustion, it finally hit him the amount of people that was watching, and how crazy there were going with that applause. It was reverberating all over, he was surprised he noticed it only now. Steve was holding onto Eli and Aja, every single one of them looked close to tears. Mary was shouting something to one of her current dates, pointing at the stage then back at her, probably something like “I know him, he’s my friend, he’s cool because I’m cool, good old Kevin”. Toby was jumping up and down, with Darci laughing and applauding. Jim and Claire were holding onto each other, clapping with fervor. It was good, everything was so good right now.

Finally, Krel allowed himself to look.

Right then, his hear broke.

He wasn’t there. Seamus wasn’t there anymore. No blue tie around, no lock of blonde hair, no red freckles in sight. There was no way this prince couldn’t find him, so…

He left. He didn’t stay for him. He didn’t.

“How about that, huh?? Krel Tarron, everyone!!” Suddenly Douxie was by his side, Krel didn’t look at him. It hurt. He thought it wasn’t going to matter, but it hurt. “He will be all over you for autographs and junk later, let him rest for a moment, and welcome the next exhibition of the night!” His arm was onto his shoulders. Krel didn’t move. He didn’t want to. Then he got a squeeze, and he looked up out of pure instinct. Douxie was still smirking, like his heart hadn’t just gotten smashed against the solid ground of the ballroom. He pointed to the exist and Krel, sighing, obeyed.

He crossed the next couple of performers, who patted his back telling him how good he had been. It didn’t feel like a proud moment anymore. It felt like a waste. The guitar was hanging onto him by the lace, luckily, he would have forgotten it on the stage overwise. Krel sighed, putting the instrument down as soon as he was behind the curtains. He could deal with this.

He didn’t want to, but he could. He just needed some time to-

His hold was callous and warm. The prince knew it so well he almost didn’t have to turn. He did. Seamus had his entire face flushed. He looked outstanding.

“Come with me.” His voice was low, almost fearful, and Krel could do nothing other than follow his lead. He was dragged along as they were staying as far away from the crowd as possible, going for the exit. If anyone had noticed them, Krel was sure Steve or Mary would have taken care of them. As soon as they were out of the room, it was silence. The school looked almost dormant like this, without lights around, the abandoned lockers circling the corridors.

It was going to be one of the last times, in this special place.

There was little time for that kind of nostalgia, as they didn’t walk for long anyway. Seamus seemed in a hurry, he was moving forward without a single word. It almost made the prince fear that he had gone too far and had made him mad. Some more uncharacteristic apologies brushed his lips, at least as a precaution, no matter how weird it was going to be.

They died into his throat as soon as he was pressed against the wall. The echo of the music was gone. There were only those impossible blue eyes getting closer and closer and-

Krel would have laughed. He would have laughed in any other occasion, because this guy was rough and prideful and used to be really bad at dealing with his anger issues. Yet he kissed with the outmost gentleness, like he was genuinely afraid of breaking him, like he was terrified that at any point something was going to wake them up from this dream. Krel wanted to hold onto this dream. He held onto him, hands reaching for his shoulders, then up into his hair. They were not fluffy at all. Again, he would have laughed if he wasn’t this overwhelmed by the fact that this was happening, that Seamus was kissing him and it was happening. The hold onto his mane must had woken up the blonde, as he moved forward with urge, breathing in and taking more.

It was marvelous. It was uncertain and clumsy and they were both really inexperienced at this, and it was marvelous. Slowly the timing was getting clearer for the both of them, because despite pride and their social skills they were instead really good at learning and understanding. The rhythm drowned them both, and it almost made Krel forget he had lungs. It got him there, the urge for air, and he let out almost a strangled noise when he got out of one last kiss.

Seamus was panting just as hard, if not harder, his pupils blown. Krel had never seen him like this, it was a whole new side. He wanted to know it. He really wanted this.

“Sea-”

“Shut it.” Another kiss that made him hum, it was sweeter than before. He almost forgot the words. When he tried to talk again Seamus promptly kissed him again. He completely forgot the words. “You said more than enough, now it’s my turn.” The blonde was smiling of that beautiful smile again. “I’m gonna make every single word count.” His hand went over his hair, caressing his brown locks like they were precious treasures to keep. The urge to cry came back.

Along with another desire, that made Krel come back to his senses and smirk.

Once again, rivalry.

“Aren’t you an overachiever?” Seamus hummed questioning, brushing their noses together. It was too good, the prince giggled. “There are exactly 212 words into my song.” It was too perfect. This wasn’t an out of the world experience, this was the natural consequence of their relationship. Seamus was holding him, and he really didn’t want to be anywhere else.

The blonde seemed taken back by his words, for almost a full second, only to laugh. He brought him even closer, breathing against his lips.

The world disappeared. Prom could wait.

“Better start counting then.” He lunged forward, a quick press closer to a caress. “One,” Another one, deeper but still quick, that made Krel naturally lean back. “Two…” This time it was proper, making him decide that he didn’t really need his mind right now. There was no issue, no invention in standby, no math problem to solve. He could allow himself this. “Three.” He could take every single part of him, as a reward in a way, as a present even more. Without a single remorse Krel laced his arms around his neck, deepening every following kiss.

They stopped counting after nine.

#space camp #space camp week #toa space camp #kreamus #krel x seamus #krel tarron #seamus johnson #toa #tales of arcadia #toa 3below #3below #toa fic #toa fanfiction #fanfiction #toa kreamus

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ask-fantasy-sanders-sides · 4 years

Note

Roman, I’ve never heard of Practical Magic before. Could you tell me about it?

(Roman grins, starry-eyed,)

Roman: Of course I can! I love that story~!

Logan: Oh, here we go. He will be on about this for a while...

(Patton giggles and turns back to listen to his story, and Roman clears his throat,)

Roman: Two human witch sisters -- Sally and Gillian Owens, raised by their two aunts -- have a curse upon their family: anyone who falls in love with an Owens woman dies a horrible death...

Roman: The sisters don’t believe their family curse is true, but still, Sally detests the idea of falling in love, while Gillian is entranced by it. Terrified she may one day fall in love, Sally casts a soulmate love spell -- Amas Veritas! -- to bind herself to a man she doesn’t believe exists, so the spell will fail and she will never find love: "It is not salt I turn to fire, but the heart of the lover I seek. Let them have no peace of mind until they come to me... He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards. He can flip pancakes in the air. He'll be marvelously kind. His favorite shape will be a star. And he'll have one green eye, and one blue."

Roman: The girls grow older, and Gillian falls in love with a troublemaker. She runs away with him, but makes a blood-pact promise to return to Sally so they can grow old together. Their aunts, knowing Sally has grown lonely in her sister’s absence, cast a spell on her to open her heart to a mundane man in town. Sally and the man get married, and have two little girls together before he is killed in accordance with the curse! When Sally takes her daughters back to her childhood home to seek comfort with her aunts, and they reveal the truth about their love spell, she is devastated to know her happiness wasn’t even real. Now grieving and in despair, wallowing about a love she will never truly have, she writes a letter to her sister in lament -- describing the gaping hole in her heart, and how she wishes her soulmate would come along to love her and fill it.

Roman: Sally gets a letter back from Gillian, which says her lover -- Jimmy -- has grown violent and abusive, and she needs Sally to come save her! So Sally rushes to her sister’s aid, and they are both kidnapped by Jimmy. Jimmy tries to kill Gillian, but Sally kills him to save her sister’s life! The two rush home with the body, knowing they’ll be labeled murderers by their bigoted town if anything about the situation gets out, resolving to bring Jimmy back to life and wipe his memory!

Roman: They revive him, but Jimmy immediately tries to kill Gillian again, so Sally kills him again, and they bury him in the yard... but, as their Aunts leave on vacation, strange things begin happening around the house, as if a demon is haunting the grounds. Then, a Paladin of Law and Crown Investigator named Gary -- Yes, I know, they all have the whitest names ever -- shows up to investigate Jimmy’s disappearance! Jimmy was a mass murderer, so his case is pretty high-profile. And he has reason to believe the girls were involved, since Gillian was his most recent fling, so he searches the house for clues on where Jimmy went and frequently calls the sisters in for testimony.

Roman: The five of them -- the sisters, Sally’s daughters, and Gary -- spend a lot of time together, and as Sally and Gary fall in love and Gary reveals many odd talents, it becomes evident to the daughters that Gary is the soulmate Sally wished for as a child! So, while Sally and Gilly desperately try to get rid of him, the daughters keep finding excuses to lure him back into their company~ This backfires when Gary finds one of Jimmy’s notorious rings on the property, and has enough proof to be sure the sisters were involved in whatever happened to him.

Roman: Gary leaves, angry and confused, and Sally and Gillian fight about what to do next. Unable to lie to the man she loves, Sally chases Gary down and insists he record her testimony, promising to tell him the whole truth. While in his hotel room, she finds out that he found the letter she wrote to Gillian before she came to save her! It sparks a more emotional conversation, where they confess their feelings for each other and kiss~! --But, now close to his face, Sally is able to see the subtle difference in the colors of his eyes. She asks him why he took this case, and he says it was because he felt something calling him to this town... Now knowing that he's here because of a spell, she is thrown into despair once more, and bolts!

Roman: But, when she gets home, Sally discovers that Jimmy's vengeful, violent spirit has possessed Gillian's body! Sensing his love is in danger, Gary finds them just as they both witness Jimmy's spirit emerge! Jimmy tries to attack Gary, but his star-shaped holy symbol burns Jimmy's hand when he reaches for his heart, and the two escape. Sally explains to Gary about the spell she cast that drew him to her, and says the feelings they have for each other aren't real. Gary is angered by her words, and tells her that "curses are only true if one believes in them," and admits that he had wished for her, too. Still, though, Sally is afraid of falling in love again, and doesn't stop Gary from returning to his temple alone. Gary leaves as the sister's aunts return, all believing the burn from the holy symbol to have killed the ghost... But Jimmy resurfaces again and possesses Gillian!

(Patton gasps, as Roman smirks and Logan rolls his eyes,)

Roman: Sally and her aunts rally the townsfolk to their aid -- who have become somewhat more accepting of the witch family as the novel went on, due to Sally's insistence on keeping away from magic and integrating into the town as a florist -- and they form a large coven, and work together to free Gillian from the possession, and not only destroy Jimmy once and for all, but Gillian and Sally's sisterly love breaks their family curse! And a few weeks after all is said and done, the sisters receive a letter from Gary explaining how he has cleared them of all suspicion in Jimmy's case, sparing them from prosecution, and he wishes them and their family happiness. Sally, touched and willing to try again without the curse looming overhead, calls once again for Gary to return to them, if he so wishes. Gary feels her call, and returns to their family home, to be with the woman he loves and the two children he's come to adore, and they both finally have their happily ever after~!

(Patton cheers,)

Patton: Aww, that’s such a cute story!! I love that~!

Logan: I always thought the romance side-plot was contrived and unnecessary. The novel would have been excellent just with the theme of sisterhood and the paranormal mystery-slash-thriller main plot, but it was written back back in a time where most stories needed a romance b-plot to be successful...

Roman: You shut your mouth!! The budding romance between Gary and Sally and Gary’s bonding moments with the daughters are what make the story! It’s a beautiful tale of love and devotion in spite of grief and opposition~!

Logan: You may believe that if you wish, but that doesn’t make you right.

(Roman and Logan continue to argue about which part of the book was more interesting, while Patton laughs and turns back toward the road, knowing full well that both of them have read the book a hundred times and love everything about it.)

#andreaissy #please tell me if i need to tag anything else!#lets roll #long post

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kittybellestark · 3 years

Text

Falling Apart At The Seams

Part 4 of 5

Read Part 3

Read on AO3

Part 5 will be out a little bit late because I have to drive across the country and back to get my brother, but it is already written so have no fears, you will receive the final part.

TW: conversations about past sexual assault, ptsd, trauma post kidnapping.

Tony was used to being kidnapped.

It was old hat. An easy routine. Get kidnapped, find out who has him, learn the motive, then pull out a bad ass move and break out.

Simple.

Coming back and re-adjusting to regular life though? That always hurt. Sometimes it was physical but most of the time it was mental. Finding a new pattern and safe space. Places where Tony used to feel his safest were regularly torn from him, beds, showers, garages. He didn’t find much comfort in the dark, or looking up at the sky at night, pools and baths were a nightmare and these were all things he once loved. Tony just needed to do this again.

It was always a struggle for Tony. His mind was always too fast, it was why he couldn’t sleep as a child or even now. His mind goes too fast and it’s impossible to stop. Tony was never able to describe what it felt like to think to others, but he imagined it as NASCAR on drugs with trains derailing, there was heaviness and music and commercials, impossible to solve problems and lectures from MIT. Where most people would already be moving on from being kidnapped Tony was still living through it, the entire experience on repeat, volume turned all the way up. Re-adjusting was the hardest part.

If he was anyone else, it probably wouldn’t be like this.

Tony hated the shame he felt being wheeling into the tower. He hated that Peter was in the room, listening to Mary shouting her confessions as she pulled and pushed trying to get out of the grips of Natasha and Clint. Screaming desperately to Peter that she wanted to give him another sibling, how Peter was named after his father. Watching Peter’s face fall, watching him realize who Tony was as he was rolled in behind Mary on a gurney- that was torture.

And Tony was helpless. Normally Tony would talk, say something to Peter, anything to get that look off his face. The look of betrayal, hurt, denial. But none of this was normal. It’s not normal to find out you’re abandoned child is also the one you invite into your home and watch movies and create things with.

Tony was still dealing with the effects of the drug as he was wheeled in, which left him incapable of doing anything. Useless, even.

Peter didn’t deserve this.

“... Because it was an Avenger arrest and Mary admitted to what happened in 2000 she’s going to be held in a secure Avengers facility instead. Jimmy said the FBI approved Peter and May staying in New York because of everything.”

Sure, yeah, an Avenger arrest. It was mostly a Pepper arrest. Pepper was definitely the strongest Avenger. And she wasn’t even an Avenger. Well a case could be made for her being an honourary Avenger. An Avenger by association.

“Rhodey, I appreciate you, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

Pepper moved across Tony’s Medbay room, staying behind Rhodey, careful to keep her distance. Rhodey frowned, squeezing Tony’s hand. Tony squeezed back, thankful to have a wonderful med-team who reversed the drug’s effects instead of making him wait it out.

“Tony,” Pepper spoke softly, carefully, “Peter is your child, he is upstairs hurt and confused. I know it’s going to take you time to come to terms with everything, no one is expecting any less. But, that child you thought you’d never meet is here and you know how good he is.”

Peter was good. Undoubtedly one of the best kids out there. Kind, caring, doing his absolute best. Peter was a treasure. An anomaly. Spent the first half of his life in an abusive home, put into witness protection, full identity change and still lived a life full of trauma. And yet Peter was full heartedly kind. And he was Tony’s son. His child. The one he sent years running away from. Peter came from bad, lived right through it all still trying to make it to the other side.

He was a ray of sunshine to Tony and the Avengers. Bright eyed and still so innocent, yet incredibly snarky. But the memories, they’re tainted now. Which of Peter’s mannerisms come from Mary? What parts of Peter come from Tony. Every moment from lab days to movie nights, team dinners all covered with the memories of what Tony did to Peter. And what Mary did to Tony. Tony left him with Mary to grow up, let him be in her presence and learn from her.

It’s been fifteen years of guilt. Sixteen years of self-hatred. Twenty-four hours a day re-living the feeling of absolute torture. Five years of not being able to wear a watch because it felt too much like he was being chained. Eight years where Tony couldn’t sleep on a bed that touched a wall. Tony has struggled since the moment he woke up on the creaky mattress. He has struggled every time he goes outside to see someone who is pregnant, and whenever he see’s a child.

“I don’t know if I can. I’m not- I can’t- what if I look at him and can’t see anything past her. I can’t be a person he can go to if I see him and only remember where he came from.”

Peter was upstairs. His child, his son, who he abandoned. Tony knew that child Mary was carrying was his, of course he knew. He was forced to watch her as her pregnancy progressed up until the start of the third trimester. Mary ruined Tony’s life in the quest for a child. Tony didn’t want to ruin Peter’s life because he was running from the months of torture and a child he never met.

It isn’t like Peter’s life hasn’t already been filled with trauma. Peter already had to deal with being in witness protection, Mary trying to kill him, kidnap and sell him. Now not only would Peter learn how he was a product of rape, but he’s been raped too. Not only was Peter the product of rape, he was named after Tony. Mary had named Peter after the person she raped, and how was Peter supposed to live with that knowledge? Tony could hardly stand it himself.

“If you’re worried about Peter because of your past, then you’re already doing better than you think you are.”

Pepper was too nice to him. She was too nice to a person who knowingly abandoned their child. Tony set Peter up for a life of misery. Because of Tony Peter had to go through all that he did. What happened to Peter was all Tony’s fault. He should have done better. Tony should have done better the night he was taken, and he should have done better when his fate was sealed. Instead Tony didn’t only let himself suffer but Peter as well.

A knock at the door stopped the conversation from moving any further.

May Parker stood there, and it was obvious that she was tired. Her hair was pulled back into a sloppy bun, her face red, and there was a fading water stain on her old grey sweater. Even though she looked exhausted she kept herself to stand in a guarded way, like she was trying to keep the exhaustion and emotions away.

“I have a teen upstairs who exhausted himself out from his hysterical crying. A super soldier had to restrain Peter to stop him from hurting himself. We need to talk. Any chance we can be alone?”

Peter needed to be restrained. He was hurting himself in his hysteric’s and Tony couldn’t help but blame himself. If he had done better, looked at the pictures or not been kidnapped again Peter wouldn’t be in pain. Mary said everything, she screamed it all for Peter to know and now Peter was hurting. Tony should have been better. He could have done more to make sure this never happened. Peter was hurting because of the truth and the way it was delivered. Things should have been explained to Peter in a better way. Peter didn’t deserve this.

“Uh,” Tony hesitated. Pepper left the room but Rhodey stayed. “I’m sorry, Rhodey needs to stay here. I can’t- uh, we’ll not even get to a conversation if he leaves.”

Her eyebrows raised, but she seemed to accept this stepping into the room anyways.

Tony tried to pretend that he wasn’t bothered by her presence. That her brown hair wasn’t actually brown, that May wasn’t a woman standing over him in bed. She was just Peter’s aunt. May wasn’t Mary even if her name was one letter removed. Rhodey is here and he won’t let anything happen. He’s had Tony’s back since MIT, it’s not like Rhodey will turn his back on Tony now. They’ve been through too much together.

“So you and Mary?” The rest of the question left unsaid.

“He was born in April, right? Of 2001?”

Looking at May wasn’t going to work. She wasn’t using her nice face. She was too close. Tony was too guilty. He never should have left that party, not with Mary. It would have been so much easier if that night he’d gone to Happy and Rhodey before he left. Everything would have been easier had he just taken some responsibility.

“So you knew you had a child,” Angry, May was so Angry. Tony just needed to not think about it, “you knew about Peter.”

Rhodey’s hand was warm. Tony appreciated the comfort he was getting despite not doing anything that deserved it. If anything Tony deserved to be punished for what he’d done. For abandoning Peter with Mary. For letting himself get kidnapped by her again.

“I went missing in 2000. About half way through the year. Suddenly I reappeared in January of 2001. Rumors went around that I was in rehab or other’s believe it was a really bad bender, we never denied any of it. No one knew what actually happened until two years ago when I told Pepper what happened. I was supposed to be a playboy, no one was going to believe me.”

The silence was deafening.

Every second that May didn’t speak was another second that Tony imagined a slow, painful death at her hands. She wouldn’t believe Tony, there’s no reason she should. Tony had a reputation, and people couldn’t see past that. He put on an impeccable mask for the public to tear apart so no one would know what he’s actually like. It was a great mask, a great cover, a great story, but it had come back to haunt him before and this will just be the same. May wasn’t going to believe that Tony Stark, Iron Man, an Avenger, was kidnapped by some Mary Benson. No one was going to believe him.

He never wanted anyone to know.

What if no one believed Tony? He would lose all his friends, his life. Tony would only have Pepper and Rhodey. While once in his life they were all he had, now Tony had so much more. He didn’t want to lose the people he had now because of one person.

Tony needed to be alone. He can’t do this. Mary ruined his life, both now and sixteen years ago. She took a hold of Tony’s life and wouldn’t let go.

“So Peter is... Mary raped you?”

That was disbelief. That was disbelief. May didn’t believe him. Tony never gave her any opportunities to actually believe him. He took Peter out of the country without her consent and never told May about Spider-Man. Those were very big reasons to never believe a word out of his mouth. Tony wasn’t trustworthy. May will think things were the other way around. Of course she will, these things don’t happen to a guy because of a girl.

Tony needed to breath. He needed to answer May.

Words. Tony just needed to find words. He needed to answer her. Words. They do the things that lets him communicate. Words have always been easy. He just needed to vocalize. Admit what happened to someone who isn’t Pepper or Rhodey. Just confirm it.

Speak, Tony. Speak!

“Yes,” Rhodey answered, his voice strained, “Mary kidnapped him and abused him for months. Peter only exists because of it. Tony never wanted what happened to him and he’s been struggling ever since.”

Again there was silence.

The silence wasn’t very nice. It was tense and it hurt, sharp around all the edges. And Tony’s chest hurt and this was all his fault. There was no one else to blame. Tony should have done better.

“Oh. Tony... You- oh.”

She understood?

May understood. She understood. There wasn’t going to be screaming or yelling or arms waving in the air. No telling Tony he’s a bad person or that he’s a liar and did everything that Mary actually did. He wasn’t being told he was wrong for abandoning Peter or that he should own up to his mistakes. There was just understanding.

Tony finally looked up at her. His eyes were filled with tears making May blurry. But he could see her enough to see the pain she was in. The pain he created was written all across her body. Her hunched shoulders, the hands covering her face, the space between her eyebrows creased, the way May was leaning completely forward. Tony caused her pain.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, May.”

May straightened herself out, letting herself sob only once. “Tony, it’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. Peter won’t either. We’re family now so we’ll get through it. We’ve got this”

Family. Huh. How about that.

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myemergence · 4 years

Text

Warheads

A/N: Buddie First Kiss Week prompt: on a dare. Thanks you marciaelena for the beta. Check out all of my 9-1-1 fics here @buddiefirstkissweek

"Do you remember what you asked me a couple of months ago?"

Buck looks across the table at Maddie, raises a brow at her question before bringing the beer to his lips and taking a long swig. Tonight was supposed to be poker night and Josh had bailed... to go on a date. He didn't know where Maddie was going with this, but he knew that Maddie wouldn't beat around the bush and she’d tell him.

"What did I ask you?"

"You asked me if I thought that you were lonely."

Buck shifts in his chair and lets out a low sigh. "Maddie, that was a while ago. I was just going through something."

"I know you were, Evan. You were watching Red die and imagining yourself in his shoes down the road... at the end of your life. Thinking that maybe you'll never find someone, that being a firefighter is all that you have and that somehow through all of it, you'd get left behind," Maddie says as she takes a few sips of her water before she adds, "again."

Buck shoves the fork deeper in his takeout container, fishing out some lo mein. "I feel like you're trying to go somewhere with whatever this thing is that you're trying to say."

"When's the last time you went out on a date? The last time that you put yourself out there?"

He sighs as he sets down his fork. "There it is. What, because Josh is back in the dating game now, you're going to focus all of your attention on fixing me?" He knows that Maddie means well. She always does. But there's only one person that Buck wants to date, and he can't ruin their friendship over this. It's too much to risk, all because he wanted more than Eddie is willing to give.

"This doesn't have anything to do with Josh."

"Then what does it have to do with, Mads?" Maddie shifts in the chair across from Buck, resting her hands on the table as she looks at her brother. "Is this about the baby, and you're just worried that I'll really be alone now that you and Chim are going to be too busy to worry about your baby brother?"

"No," Maddie says sternly, her eyes softening as she moves her takeout container to the side. She reaches across the table and gently grasps Buck's hands in her own. "I told you that I'm never going to be too busy for you, that I won't leave you behind again, alright?" A quiet sigh slips past her lips as she glances down at their hands and then smiles up at him, sadly. "It's just-- you could have so much more if you would just stop being afraid of the what-if's."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He does know what she's talking about. Buck knows exactly what she's talking about and he clenches his jaw slightly, not liking the direction that poker night is going in. They've had these conversations before, about Buck and Eddie. They've just not had them since Red died and the prospect of Buck dying a lonely, old man had crept into the back of his mind and burrowed in there to stay.

"Yes, you do," she urges, running a hand over her slightly rounded belly. "We're talking about Eddie."

"No, we're not," Buck says with finality. "Not in that way, we're not. We've had this conversation."

"You're right," Maddie agrees. "We have. But at the time I thought that you would move on, that you'd start dating again. You haven't. You've not tried once since Ali. I get that your last couple relationships were hard for you, that they hurt you. But you can't just stop trying."

Buck watches Maddie with intent as she runs her hand over her stomach. He lets silence wash over them for a minute as he finishes his beer and takes the bottle to the sink. He leans back against the counter, looking at his sister. "This isn't about me not trying anymore. It's about me not ruining things with my best friend over some stupid crush that I had."

"You say 'had' like you no longer have some stupid crush on him." Maddie tilts her head to the side slightly as she looks at him. "But it's more than a stupid crush, isn't it, Evan?"

Buck sighs heavily and turns around, starting to tidy the countertop. He needs to distract himself with something other than thoughts of Eddie that are way more friendly than he'd like to be with Buck. "I'm done talking about this."

He hears Maddie moving around at the table. "I hoped it wasn't going to come to this," she sighs. He doesn't want to turn around and talk to Maddie about this right now, but her words have him wondering what she's even talking about at this point. He opens his mouth to speak but is stopped as she drops a large bag of Warhead sour candies onto the table loudly. "50 warheads."

" Mads."

"50 warheads," she repeats, not letting her gaze leave her brother's face. "You know the rules."

"We're not kids anymore. You can't just—"

"No questions asked, Ev." Maddie crosses her arms over her chest, reminding him. "You have to tell Eddie how you feel. If you regret it, I'll eat 50 warheads."

"You're with child . I am not going to make you eat 50 warheads, which makes this entire agreement null and void." Leave it to Maddie to try to use the agreement they had with each other when Buck was a kid now, at twenty-eight. When he thinks about all of the things they'd dared each other to do on their '50 warhead dares' he can't think of a single one that he regretted. Maddie never had to eat the warheads. Buck on the other hand had paid dearly one time . When he dared Maddie to ask a boy out that she had been crushing on for months, Jimmy Lashley, and he had flat out turned her down. 50 warheads were actually pretty close to being painful.

"Chim will do it," Maddie says with certainty. "If you regret telling Eddie that you have feelings for him... Chim will eat 50 warheads."

"You can't be serious about this dare." Buck's aware that there is a whine in his voice as he says it. He's always followed through with the dare, never backed down, and Maddie knows that.

"I'm serious."

Unbelievable.

______________________________

Buck's still in denial over the fact that Maddie dared him to come clean to Eddie about his feelings. Honestly, what adults in their right mind do that? Only the Buckleys, that's who. He's run through every possible scenario in his mind: every possible setting for his confession, every possible reaction that Eddie could have. He's sure that it can only end in one way: rejection and awkwardness.

Christopher is with his abuela and Pepa tonight, and he only has twenty-four hours to do this. Buck figures that he should just suck it up and get it over with. He considered not going through with it at all, but he knows the end result is going to be Chim eating 50 warheads and he can't help but find a little bit of pleasure in that.

He texts Eddie and asks if he's going to be home or if he has plans tonight. Buck can almost hear Eddie laugh when he texts him back saying that his calendar is clear. Buck stops for burgers and fries on the way and once he arrives, he steps into the Diaz household holding the brown paper bag up. "I hope you're hungry."

Eddie chuckles as he pulls two plates down from the cupboard for them. "When am I not?" They take their plates into the living room and balance them on their laps as they eat. Buck is quieter than usual, not really knowing how to bring it up. He regrets his decision to go through with this more and more with each passing moment. Eddie must notice his apprehension, or maybe it's just that Buck is unusually quiet, but Buck startles when he feels a steady hand on his shoulder. "Didn't mean to scare you. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," Buck answers automatically, "everything is fine." Except everything isn't fine. It isn't fine to have his mind racing with images of rejection, picturing Eddie's face twisted in disgust because he doesn't want that with Buck. ��It isn't fine to dream about the feel of Eddie's lips firm and needy against his even though he knows deep down it's never going to happen. It isn't fine to picture what it would be like to really be a Diaz, to take Eddie's last name, and be a constant presence for Christopher. Buck cringes at that, thinking that he's not only crossed the line but sprinted beyond the boundaries of acceptable thoughts to have about your best friend.

"It doesn't seem like everything's fine." Eddie sounds concerned and that only makes Buck's heart pinch more.

Buck lets out a slow breath and fidgets with the french fries on his plate. He looks up to a pair of concerned hazel eyes that he's almost sure can see right down into his soul. Buck clears his throat and forces himself to hold Eddie's gaze. "So there's, uh, there's something that I needed to talk to you about."

"Okay," Eddie says slowly, and his voice is dripping with apprehension. "What's going on?"

Buck swallows and leans forward, setting his plate down on the floor. His elbows rest atop his knees and he runs a hand over the top of his head anxiously. Finally, he turns his head to look at Eddie. "So, this is kind of awkward, but... I'm just gonna say it and get it out there and over with." His words come out in a jumble, stacked on top of each other and nearly impossible to break apart, "Ilikeyou."

Eddie frowns. "I didn't quite catch that. Can you... slow down this time?"

Buck huffs out a breath. "I said I like you," he says, glancing down to where his hands are twisting in his lap. "I mean, obviously I like you, you're my best friend. What I meant is... I like-you like you, y'know?"

"You.... like-me, like me?" Eddie repeats carefully, and the way that his eyebrows knit together and he looks at Buck with an odd expression on his face makes Buck question whether he gets it.

"I get that you don't like me in that way, Eddie, that you look at me as a friend and that's it. And that's fine, really it is. I just-- I needed to get it off my chest and now that it's said we can just sweep it under the rug and pretend that it never happened. I'm gonna kill Maddie." Buck's gaze slips to the floor and his heart is pounding in his chest.

"What does Maddie have to do with any of this?"

"It's a long story," Buck tells Eddie after a pause. Now that he's said the words aloud there is a sense of dread looming over him, and he thinks that if he could he'd take it all back. Warheads. All of this unnecessary turmoil because of candy. "Please, let's just forget I said anything." Buck leans down and grabs the plate from the floor before he walks towards the kitchen. Suddenly he feels a vice gripping too tightly around his chest, and he has to remind himself to breathe. He feels like he's going to suffocate on regret, the emotion threatening to swallow him whole because he just fucking ruined everything.

"Buck, wait!" Eddie calls after him, and he hears Eddie's footsteps follow him into the kitchen.

"Please, I-I know I'm the idiot that came over here tonight. I'm the one that said I needed to talk to you and I throw you this curveball. I'm gonna go, and-and give you some space. I'm gonna... go." Buck stumbles over the words and he hates the way that his voice is shaking right now. He hates the way that he sounds so unsteady and unsure. He can't even look at Eddie and he moves to walk towards the door.

He feels a firm grip on his bicep; his pained blue eyes look up at Eddie, drowning in regret.

"Buck, stop."

"Eddie, please. I-I know I probably made you uncomfortable and this is super weird."

"That's what you think is happening? That I'm uncomfortable?" Eddie's grip tightens slightly on Buck's arm so that he won't slip away out of reach. His other hand moves to Buck's hip, and Buck's heart is racing with the realization that Eddie isn't pushing him away. He doesn't look disgusted or upset with his admission. There's a darkness in his eyes that Buck barely registers before Eddie is drawing Buck forward. "You're an idiot," he mutters, and Eddie is all but pressed up against the front of him, lips closing over Buck's. Eddie shifts the hand that was anchoring Buck in place at his bicep and slides it up to his chest, dragging his fingers over the t-shirt.

Buck kisses him back, soft and slow. He tries to memorize the feel of Eddie's lips against his, the soft drag of his fingers before they curled against his chest, the taste of him. He draws back just enough to hold Eddie's gaze, a fond smile playing across his lips. "I'm an idiot," Buck echoes, his chuckle low as Eddie smiles in return.

"My idiot," Eddie says, and Buck only hums in agreement.

#buddiefirstkiss #prompt: on a dare #buddie #first kiss #my writing #evan buckley #eddie diaz #firstkissweek #firstkiss2020

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navalcriminalimagines · 5 years

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What are we? - 2

I’m sorry it took me much time to post the second part, but with work and school, I had hard time to get free time to write! I really hope you’re going to enjoy!! Let me know!! and I’m so happy the first part was all received, I truly appreciate <3

Warning : a bit of sex

Tag : @sammysgirl1997

(From Tim) : You’ve been gone for almost three weeks. Planning on coming back? We miss you.

Right after Gibbs told you to clear your desk, you drove like a mad woman to the building to do what you were told. Thankfully, no matter how drunk you were, you drove safely and weren’t arrested. The thing you hadn’t plan was director Vance still being here. “Agent Y/L/N, what are you doing?” he asked while you were under the desk, getting together the papers you just dropped on the floor. His voice surprised you and you literally knocked yourself on the wood desk and fell on your butt, holding your head. “Night, director,” you simply answered. Vance never saw you drunk but he could tell you were at this very moment. “Y/N, what are you doing?” he repeated. “Just—cleaning my stuff,” you paused. “Gibbs fired me,” the only thing you heard was a small chuckle coming from your director. “Tell me about that,” he sat at the edge of your desk with his arms crossed and you were still sitting on the floor. “I guess it’s just not working anymore,” you sighed, “that’s better this way,” you continued to get the papers, avoiding his gaze. “This kind of decision has to go through me, Y/N. And I say you’re not fired,” “Director, with all due respect—you don’t know everything going on,”

Before saying anything more, Vance bend over to help you and offered his hand to help you get up. “You think I don’t know what you feel for Gibbs? And what he feels for you? You’re underestimating me, Agent Y/L/N. But I really don’t think you leaving NCIS is the solution,” “I don’t want to spend the next ten years like the last. I’m tired of waiting for him,” you started to cry. Vance felt really bad for you. He’s been the director for 7 years, and he saw how much you love Gibbs and everything you’ve done for him. You put your own life away for him. “How about you take some time off first? Give you—and him, some time to think,” he offered, “what do you think?” You nodded.

Almost three weeks later, you were in New Orleans, staying at Dwayne’s apartment. The day after your conversation with Vance, you told Dwayne all of it and he offered you to come to Louisiana with him. “Distance may help,” he said. When he offered it, he wasn’t thinking of what could happened between the two of you but obviously, living with him made you closer. This time you were not drunk and you had sex. It became regular, and yet nothing serious, something casual. It just feels really good to be with someone you really appreciated, to feel appreciated too and wanted. You have to admit, sex with Dwayne is amazing, better than anything you’ve witnessed before even though you didn’t have a big experience.

However, days were very long. Dwayne and his team had a lot of work to do, you would help them some times but mainly, you’re bored in his apartment. And you can’t stop thinking about Jethro. You miss him, a lot. You haven’t heard about him since he “fired” you. A part of you would love to talk with him but the other is just so mad at him for being this stubborn.

One of the hardest part of being in New Orleans was being that far away for Morgane and John. Babies change too fast and even though you facetime Delilah almost every day, you can tell they have changed a lot in three weeks. Usually, you’re the one to call her but today, your phone rang and her name popped up. You almost hang up when you saw Tim’s face on the screen. “Finally!” he simply exclaimed, “You are definitely avoiding my calls and texts,” “Hello Timmy, I’m okay, what about you?” you avoided what he just said. “Y/N, can you have a serious conversation, please?” he pleaded and you sighed. “What’s up?” “Why did you leave like this? When are you coming back? Are you actually coming back? Are you dating Pride?” he spoke too fast. “A question at the time, please.” You paused, “I needed time off, I don’t know when I’m coming back and I’m not dating Dwayne,” “Thanks for the last answer, I can make everyone shut up. But seriously, I’m going crazy without you—Well, we all are cause Gibbs is driving us nuts!” “There’s nothing I can do about that,” you simply said. “Yes, there is! Come back! He is like this because you left,” “He fired my ass, Tim. What else was I supposed to do?” “He—what? No way,” he paused, “Wait, was it because you flirted with Pride?” “Whatever it was, he just did. You guys are lucky enough Vance saw me cleaning my desk, I’m just on time off for now,” “Ok, I think there’s something that may convinced you—Gibbs and Ducky had a fight a few days ago. They are barely talking to each other since then, and no one knows what it was about,”

You stayed silent. How was it possible? Why the hell did they have a fight? Them? That’s not something you thought could happened. What could you do about it? They are adults, they can make up things all by themselves… actually, you can’t help but to feel concerned about this fight and you hate it. You can’t leave DC for a few weeks without the team falling a part? “I’ll see what I can do,” you spoke up, “Can I see my godchildren now?”

In DC, Dr Donald Mallard was working on a profile. It was late and everyone had left already. But no one is waiting for him at home, so he doesn’t mind staying late at work. His phone rang, taking him away from his own thoughts. Your name appeared and he smiled to himself before answering. “Hello milady,” he greeted you. “Hi my Ducky Duck. How are you?” you casually asked. “I’m fine, what about you? How’s New Orleans?” “Life here is so different from DC, I’m having a lot of fun actually,” it wasn’t totally true but not a lie either. “How’s the team?” “I have to admit—we miss you here,” he confessed. “I miss you too, all of you. Even Gibbs,” you said on purpose, hoping it would bring up the fight they had. “Mainly him, am I right?” he softly said. “Ducky, listen. I heard you two had a fight—can you talk to me about it, please?”

It took you a few arguments to convince Ducky to talk about the fight but he finally did. And like you were afraid of, it was about you.

“Talk to me, Duck,” Gibbs said like always as he entered the autopsy. The doctor told him everything he found during the autopsy of the corpse they got the day before. Jimmy quickly left to bring something to Abby, leaving the two men alone. Gibbs was about to leave but Ducky called him before he reached the door. “Obviously, something happened with Y/N—but is she coming back? I tried to call her but she’s not answering. To anyone actually, what about you?” “Haven’t heard of her either. I don’t know if she’s coming back,” “Jethro, what happened exactly between you two?” “Nothin’. Can I go now?” “I guess you avoided the conversation with her, just like you’re doing now,” “Excuse me?” “I’m just sayin’—it’s been ten years, don’t you think it’s time for you to accept the feelings you have for her?” “Are you seriously giving me advices about love, Ducky? You? The man that never got married?” Gibbs answered with a bitter ton and Donald frowned, he was just trying to help two people he really care about. “Nevermind, Jethro. Keep ruining her life, you’re doing a great job,” If it wasn’t Ducky saying this, in front of him, Jethro would have exploded. But he stayed silent and left.

After hanging up with Ducky, you couldn’t hold back your tears. You cried like a baby for several minutes, it was all the tears you haven’t let out for years now. You were giving up everything you kept inside all this time. Not only your feelings for Gibbs and how miserable they make you but also how hard this job can be. Losing all of those people you loved, those missions in Middle East, the cases, the destroyed families, the time you were hostage in Paraguay with Gibbs for two months… How did you manage to still be standing after all of this? You’re seriously wondering. But one thing is sure, you can’t take anything more right now.

You didn’t hear Dwayne getting in the apartment. Before he could say anything, he heard you sobbing on the couch so he directly walked to you, sat and held you without saying anything. He just held you close to him while you calmed down a little. He stroked your hair and kissed it gently. “Wanna talk?” he finally asked when you weren’t crying anymore but you shook your head. “Just stay here,” you said.

After a few minutes, you raised your head from his chest to kiss him. You were craving for his kisses, his touch, his comfort, his tenderness. You wanted to feel secure and loved. Dwayne can give you that. He lost himself in your kisses for a moment but he knew he had to stop it. “Y/N…” he whispered, slowly breaking the kiss. You ignored him and tried to kiss him again but he turned his face. You gave him a questioning look. “Whatever’s going on, you have to fix it. You have to fix yourself, to get your life together instead of throwing yourself in my arms. I mean—I love being with you and maybe I have feelings for you but I know how you feel for Gibbs and whether it’s with me or someone else, you can’t get in a relationship without making things clear with him,” “It’s never going to work,” “Maybe not but you can’t live with a doubt, right?”

You hated to admit it but Dwayne was right. Things need to be clear, once and for all. Even if it can hurt really bad, that’s the only way you can move on. Whether it’s with or without Gibbs. The next morning, you were on a plane back to DC. When you arrived, you took a cab and gave Jethro’s address. He’s already at work, but you stayed there, on his couch the entire day. You were determined to get answers, and you won’t live his house without them. When the sun went down, you moved in the basement. Gibbs was working on a new boat, you walked around it and noticed how he named it. Your nickname. The nickname only him calls you by. A few tears got away from your eyes. You sat on his small bench and pressed play on his old floppy disk drive. It was Kelly’s playing the piano and talking to her father. Listening to this made you sadder. A part of you understands how broken and scared the man is. But you just want to make him happy. You turned on your own music, a song you’ve been listening for days cause it perfectly reflects how you feel.

See the stone set in your eyes See the thorn twist in your side I'll wait for you Sleight of hand and twist of fate On a bed of nails she makes me wait And I wait, without you With or without you With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you

With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you

Softly singing over Bono’s voice, you didn’t hear Gibbs walking downstairs. Seeing and hearing you, he stopped himself in the middle of the stairs and sat there until the song was over. He heard you sobbing and his heart broke a little more. You considered listening to it again, but his voice got your attention. “That’s exactly how it is. With or without you, I can’t live,” he simply said. You walked where he was and sat on the stair, next to his feet. “Then--what should we do?”

You waited for his answer but he stayed silent. For a very long moment. But you waited, and waited, once again. A few times, he opened his mouth to talk but he stopped himself and didn’t speak. “Y/N/N,” he finally whispered. You looked at him, hopefully. His iced blue eyes were watered. He stared deep in your eyes for another moment and he finally moved. His face got closer to yours, determined but slow enough to give you the opportunity to object. But you didn’t and his lips reached yours. His kiss was soft but firm, shy and intense at the same time. His tongue searched from permission to get inside your mouth and you happily opened it. He picked you up easily to make you sit on his lap, his all over your body and yours in his hair and neck while you never stopped kissing. Shortly after, clothes began to fly in the basement. Feeling your bare skin against his, drove Gibbs crazy. He stood up with you in his arms and pinned you against the wall. The cold made you whined between moaning. You were so small in his arms, you both were loving it, your long hair sometimes got in the way of your mouths but Gibbs didn’t mind, he loved every part of you, from head to toes. He carried you to the living room and laid you on the couch. You whined again when he stopped kissing and touching you. You felt cold and empty, “J?” you asked. He quickly kissed your hair, “Just starting a fire,” You watched him setting the fire in his fireplace. This was better then you imagine. His body was amazing, his kisses were mind-blowing, just like his touch. Once he was done, he covered your body with his and kissed you again.

That night, you and Gibbs made love twice. It was slow, passionate and intense. You could easily described that night as the best of your life. The two of you fell asleep on the couch, naked bodies pressed to each other, with the fire next to you. You slept before him and you didn’t hear him saying how much he loves you.

It was the first time in some many years that Gibbs could have sleep in. But unfortunately, it was Thursday, the team was working on a case and Ellie Bishop showed up very early. To her defense, her boss is already awake or at work at 7. When she walked in his home, she didn’t expect to find the two of you sleeping, naked. The blanket has been kicked away in the middle of the night and the first thing Ellie saw was Gibbs’ naked ass. Then your breasts. She uncontrollably screamed, covered her eyes and turned around. “Bishop? What the—” Gibbs said, before realizing what she must have seen. “Boss, I-I’m sorry, I—” she paused, “I’m just going to leave,” and she did. “What do you think traumatized her? My breasts or your ass?” you joked. “My ass is perfect, she’ll never forget what she saw,” he smiled.

Jethro softly kissed you, “Morning,” he said in your mouth. “Good morning, handsome,” you smiled. “Screw rule 6—I’m sorry, Y/N. For being a fucking idiot. I’m sorry it took me ten years, I’m sorry I—” you kissed him to make him stop. “Just tell me “Screw rule 12” and that’s enough. And promise me we’ll wake up like this, every single day,”

He nodded, “I love you, Y/N. More than you can imagine,”

#ncis #ncis fandom #NCIS Fic #ncis imagine #Leroy Jethro Gibbs #jethro gibbs #jethro gibbs x reader #leroy jethro gibbs x reader #ncis x reader #gibbs x reader #leon vance #ellie bishop #tim mcgee #dwayne pride #dwayne pride x reader

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diveronarpg · 4 years

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Congratulations, KAY! You’ve been accepted for the role of HELENUS. Admin Rogue: I will be honest and say I must have read this app six times since we got it, minimum. There was something about your words that made me want to live in them forever, to tell Hugo all my secrets and let him tell me his. Hugo is so easy to turn saintly or push toward martyrdom, and your Hugo is a good person with all his flaws on display, humanity shining forth so clearly from him that he breaks my heart. He reminds us that sometimes God’s will brings down the crusades; he understands peace the same as he has made war, and Hugo knows the sanctity of blood in how he cannot wash it from his hands. I think I fell a little in love with him in this app, in spite of his Jimmy Buffet obsession, and that’s when I knew we couldn’t go another day without him! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Obiwan Kaynobi

Age | 25

Preferred Pronouns | She/her

Activity Level | I feel like I’m active on the dash at least twice a week, and if I’m not posting replies I’m able to lurk the dash on mobile and plot on discord. But, with the quarantine and finally getting into a rhythm, I think I’ll be able to get on the dash more often!

Timezone | The Twilight Zone jk it’s PST now!

Triggers | REMOVED

How did you find the rp? | One day Pandora showed up in my brain and I couldn’t get rid of her. Now Hugo also lives there with his Catholic guilt and honestly it’s a nightmare.

Current/Past RP Accounts | Here’s Panda’s blog!

IN CHARACTER

Character | Helenus, Hugo Kim. Hu-go, (German); meaning mind. Kim, (Korean); meaning gold, iron.

What drew you to this character? | Honestly, the thing that struck me about Hugo was that he’s the guiding light for so many people - and it’s ironic. He’s the prophet of the people, telling them each Sunday to do well, to be good and then he turns around and commands the other Capulet soldiers to harm others. And honestly, I think there are times that Hugo questions the good word. His hands are stained with blood and it doesn’t matter how many confessions he sits through because they’ll be stained red forever.

I also love that despite his affiliation with the Capulets, he does hold sermons on Sundays. Religion is the one thing that he has left of his parents - his mother - and Cosimo can pry that from his cold, dead hands. There’s a sort of natural confidence Hugo exudes when preaching and it spills over into his missions. In his bio it says, “They flock and he guides them, a SHEPHERD to Cosimo Capulet’s people.” He’s someone that people will listen to regardless of whether he’s leading the mission or not.

But, the one thing that really stood out to me with Hugo is his devotion. Whether it’s to his mother, God, Halcyon, he’s 100% devoted no matter what. He puts the time needed to do a job well done and I think that’s something most people look over with Hugo. There is no person more devoted to the morals he’s bound to than him. It’s something that makes him stand out from the rest of the gang members.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

a. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. The Cathedral is technically Capulet territory, but Lawernce wandered in one night and let every sin fall from his lips, tethering the two of them together whether the liked it or not. This encounter is something that can and will tear Hugo apart. He’s bound to both the church and the Capulets - neither of which he ever planned on crossing. Watching him struggle between his faiths is something I would love to see happen on the dash.

b. Sister Saint Monica, you’ve got me on my knees. Halcyon, his personal angel sent from Cosimo. She’s his guiding light, his angel of mercy, the one he’ll pray to each night - and I would love to see how far he’s willing to go for her. How much blood will he spill in order to feed the person he sees as a God? And of course, how will that guilt manifest after he’s done it? How often will he find himself on the bathroom floor, shaking and sobbing from the faces that haunt his dreams and the souls that claw at his throat all for the sake of Halcyon?

c. Bathe me in holy water and erase my sins. Killing his own brother is something that Hugo has yet to forgive himself for. The memory of his parents on the floor, the gun in his hand, the sounds coming from his mouth after he pulled the trigger play on repeat in his mind daily. How does he deal with the constant onslaught of this? Does he find himself crying in the confessional over what he’s done or does he simply let the memory play out and avoid thinking about it? It’d also be interesting if another character knew what he did and used it as leverage over him.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | As long as he gets to marry Brat first, feel free to kill him. That can be the first and last thing I do with him, please just let him marry them.

IN DEPTH

In-Character Interview:

What is your favorite place in Verona? | We recommend looking at the location page and reading it over to figure out where your character’s favorite place is – if it’s not their own house/room.

He’s positive that the woman across from him expects to hear the Cathedral. But, the stained glass and golden pews have long since turned sour to Hugo. Now, they remind him of blood and guns and the rush of guilt that burns in his throat like bile. He thinks of the theater, how he and Albert used to hide underneath the seats to sneak into a second showing. The library, once a place that he was able to roam without hesitation and devour any book he desired, now stings in his memory since it became off-limits. Finally, the corners of his lips quirk up. “Twelfth Night Museum holds a dear place in my heart. I can’t say much about the attendees who show up at night, but during the day it’s beautiful.”

What does your typical day look like?

Hugo pauses for a moment, mulling over the words before he speaks. He glances at the watch on his wrist, then his shoes, and finally meets the eye of the interviewer. The interview is for a profile on him, a puff piece to lighten the city when all it knows is death and destruction. “Well, it’s Saturday. I host evening mass then head over to Phoenix and Turtle for the bread donation. My days are typically the same, depending on whether or not the farmers market is here.” He graces her with another smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. What he leaves out is that his nights are filled with the scent of gun powder and his fingers brushing eyelids shut, a prayer whispered under his breath.

What has been your biggest mistake thus far?

How was he supposed to pick just one mistake? There had been plenty of missteps through the years that would certainly be labeled the worst. The stolen liquor from the bodega, the moans in the backseat of a car, the night he killed Albert. Far too many things have been deemed his biggest mistake. “Even I’m allowed to have secrets.” Hugo glances out the window and watches the couples walk by. They’ll have to try harder than this to get him to reveal what it is. “That one is between me and myself.”

What has been the most difficult task asked of you?

His gut reaction is to say preaching his sermon. The words of the good book that fall from his lips and into the ears of the parish are nothing but lies - but now was not the time nor place to discuss that matter. “There are times I’m asked to stop helping those in need. I have to respect their wishes, but it’s not in my nature to walk away from those who need help.” He thinks of the dying who were left to bleed after he shot at them, of the unfortunate souls who end up injured by falling into debt with them, of the addicts who pump their veins with Theo’s latest experiment and can’t escape the warmth the drug gives them. Ignoring these souls only to have them haunt him later is the most difficult thing he’s done.

What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?

He nearly chokes as he takes a sip from the mug. As the interview continued, it seemed as if the questions were diving deeper and deeper into unsafe territory. Perhaps it would’ve been smart to let one of the emissaries approve the list of questions before he arrived. “As a man of God, I can only hope that no more bloodshed happens.” His lips press into a thin line. “Hasn’t our city seen enough?” His answer is honest, one that he never dared utter before now. The war his boss wages against the Montagues is one that he finds despicable. So much has been lost in the names of each family and yet, they continue to take more and more and more.

Extras: Bold of you to assume I don’t have any extras. Here is his mockblog, a Pinterest board, and as always, let me sprinkle some hcs here:

Hugo’s very into the arts. His favorite artist is M.C. Escher.

This man is not straight. Local disaster bi preacher is at your service.

There’s a photo of his parents tucked into his wallet so he’s able to carry them everywhere.

He does yoga whenever he gets the chance.

Hugo’s a huge Jimmy Buffet fan, I’m sorry but it’s true.

He’s also a huge Florence and The Machine fan so it balances out.

More often than not, there’s a bottle of cheap scotch in his chambers in the Cathedral. It’s hidden inside of a hollowed-out Bible.

#accepted #accepted: helenus

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dew-line · 4 years

Text

Life, death, and rebirth – developing and redeveloping a personality on a progressing timeline

So. I had a little fun today. The last task on the psychology course was to write an essay on personality development based(ish) on Mischels theories about personality development. The guidelines were a tad loose, and I choose to run with it. The text below is what I submitted, hopefully I’ll get som feedback on it tomorrow or in a few days and I’ll keep you posted on that. :D //Jimmy How does one begin to describe, in any relatable fashion, the development of one’s personality, especially as it is a work of perpetual process? One must, I assume, begin at the beginning: I was born. Then there was nothing until I developed a basic sense of self awareness and the ability to define myself in relation to other people and objects. In that very moment I created the world; but you may rest easy, for I am a humble god. Especially so since I stopped demanding the immediate satisfaction of my basic needs and allowed myself to be shaped into this present form by the mold created by my parents and by society; by boundaries drawn by cultural and linguistic traits Thus, like the Christian God I was made flesh and blood – now writing before you as this maculate conception, ever learning as I progressed over the years, constantly striving to fill out this rudimentary sketch of “me” drawn by my parents with ever more content and subject matter. I learnt of poetry and philosophy – the power of word and thought, and thus, in my late teens, I entered a new phase. Let it begin with these words from the gospel [abridged] of St. Charles the Inebriated.

”Born like this

Into this

Into these carefully mad wars

Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness

Into bars where people no longer speak to each other

Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings

Born into this

Into hospitals which are so expensive that it's cheaper to die

Into lawyers who charge so much it's cheaper to plead guilty

Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed

Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes

Born into this

Walking and living through this

Dying because of this

Muted because of this

Castrated

Debauched

Disinherited

Because of this

Fooled by this

Used by this

Pissed on by this

Made crazy and sick by this

Made violent

Made inhuman

By this

[…]”

Charles Bukowski – ”Dinosauria, We”.

Now, I may not have turned out quite as bitter and fatalistic as the aged Bukowski, but I do confess to a certain faiblesse for the absurd, in Camus’s use of the term, that existence is without meaning and purpose, and that beauty lies in –the absurd– meeting between this knowledge and continuing to striving too, despite this knowledge, fill life with love, beauty and personal meaning.

I was born into a classical working class home at 09:28, December 25th 1974, the first child of a young mother and an alcoholic and controlling father; two parents that had the unusually common sense for their time to realise that they should not be together, and thus early becoming a child of separation – my parents were not married. I was doomed to the life of bi-weekend migrations between families – as this was long before the enlightened era where parents manage to handle child care in an adult fashion and share the weeks equally – a conduct that, in my case, created a feeling or rootlessness and a sense of drifting rather than establishing solid connections within either family – my mother and my father’s new families respectively. This rootlessness in turn created the foundation of a lifelong fear of abandonment and also of a shyness that manifested itself in an extroverted way – acting like the class clown, hiding emotions behind first erratic behavior and later, as I grew older and developed an arsenal of wit and amassed at least a modicum of knowledge – in early attempts at humor. I also developed the foundation of a contrarian mindset that is still present to this day. I despise the consensus – mainly because a consensus promotes a lack of progress and a lack of progress is the base definition of death. However, when I was a child the main reason for causing disruption, even if I was not aware of it at the time, was that it is easier to hide where there is disorder. Being judged by one’s behavior was far more preferable to being judged on who I actually was.

It was at this age, around the age of seven or eight, that I came to the conclusion that religion was not the answer. Being introduced to a light version of Christianity in an after-school setting, being taught the core concepts of the New Testament, I promptly told the teacher that it was nonsense and, if I recall correctly, was not invited back for the second semester. Much to my mother’s dismay, I presume. By this time, we had left Uppsala and moved out into the countryside, a move that lead to an increased isolation on my behalf – this suited me perfectly as my main interests, especially as I started fourth grade, turned into literature and music. My mother had always read out loud for us when we were little, and I have always had a strong imagination – making the immersion into literature both smooth and welcome. Music also became an important present at this early age – literature and music has followed me ever since. The main part of the eighties was spent in my room reading and listening to music.

What beautiful time it was.

Reading has had a huge impact on the forming of the person that I am today. All adults that I was surrounded by, in a formative sense – part from teachers – lacked any higher education and we did not really discuss much at, particularly not on my mother’s side, where I spent most of my time. My father, on the other hand – and this is based on long term memories, I cannot vouch for the validity of these memories as I have not spoken to the man in over 20 years – had a creative side – he tried to keep up to date, enjoyed certain intellectual activities. And whisky. And to listen to music. And whisky. And occasionally to beat his kids. Personally, I can’t remember to have ever being beaten by him, that seem to have developed later. My two brothers on my father’s side got to take the brunt of it as I can remember, however – he also had a knack for the words and was happy to share his opinions on how useless we were. That one has stuck with me. As I grew up and became older, and also stronger, this abuse increasingly became a greater and greater problem for me – culminating in me eventually starting to step between my father and my younger siblings when he got ”into the mood”. Eventually, however, I came to the point where I could not keep doing this and as I neared adulthood the relationship with my father and also my father’s side of the family slowly ebbed out. Initially, and for some years I felt that I had let my siblings to fend for themselves, but that feeling is long since passed. I have processed this, and I have moved on. It had to be done.

I once asked my mother why they did not put any pressure on us when we were younger. Why they never pushed us to do better in school or had any opinions on what we choose to study in high school. The answer was that they wanted to let us choose for ourselves, that we should study what we wanted. The guidance counselor, I remember, told me to look find a job in a warehouse. Packing vegetables at the COOP. The direct result of that was that I ended up studying for two years to become a bricklayer. I had no ambitions. I choose what I knew, since my stepfather and my father both worked in construction. I should not have been there. My only proper skills after being through the Swedish school system in the 80’s and early 90’s was a decent grasp of English. There were no jobs for me in construction, nor would I have been interested if there were any. If change was to come it was not through family, the school system or anything else. It was through me.

Looking back, however, it is interesting to see how much my life has been formed from the experiences of these formative years. I have no friends or acquaintances from before I started studying at university for the first time in 1998. Non whatsoever. I was social, I had friends – but I have never been sentimental – and I would rather let friendships run out from time or distance. No strong ties, no risk for emotional trauma. One might say that I started to reconstruct my life in my early twenties, I got into a new profession, I applied and got accepted into Grythyttan, Sweden’s premier hospitality industry education, a higher education under the management of the university of Örebro. This pretty much meant everything. Getting away from Uppsala and then – by the slight detour of three years in Grythyttan – to Stockholm meant everything. There is a reason why the Stockholm tends to draw people to it: the chance to rebuild yourself, to turn you into the person you want to be, to let yourself take center stage, if you will. Those were the formative years. They were great years. Working in the restaurant business in Stockholm in the early 2000’s was a smorgasbord of hedonism; food, wine, spirits, drugs. The sky was the limit. What a time to be young. And had not an underlying feeling that there must be more to life kept on nagging me I’d probably still be there today, standing on the brink of being a burned out wreck – but instead I got out, I diversified and got into wine import, into copywriting, photography – always searching; and I think that I am finally starting to get an idea.

I woke up one morning in December 2018, taking stock of my life. What I had done, where I had been, where I was and what I wanted to do. The same day I applied for a late admission course at Södertörn and started studying the very next month. I am very curious to see where I will end up.

#the DEW line #psychology #mischel #essay #forfunsies

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schoolfullofmorons · 4 years

Note

Berhaps share more of this serial killer au????

oh yes of course !!! be warned that gary is not supposed to represent every mentally ill person out there, don't treat ND people like they're murderers it is not good

anyway

[ tw: murder, abuse mentions, arson, drugs, ableism, mental issues, cheating ]

i went back and forth on it but finally decided that i wanted him to go to the asylum and start off following the path of redemption au. however, after getting out of the asylum, instead of his father bribing his way back into bullworth, he gets sent off to a school outside of town, where he knows no one and no one knows him.

you'd think this would be a great opportunity for him, considering his history at bullworth; but the thing about his asylum visit in redemption au is that it's really, really traumatizing, and instead of aiding his mental health, it instead progresses it to the point where he begins to expierence some severe disconnects from reality. in redemption au, he has pete and jimmy to ground him and counteract these once they realize what's going on with him; in this new school, he has no one.

entering his senior year alone proves to be very very difficult as his mental health declines and he ends up falling into the wrong crowd; a group of maybe 3-4 boys who all expirement with hardcore drugs such as LSD. while gary doesn't take them, he is pressured into a lot of situations where he mixes with people experiencing that disconnect from reality like he is; except his is based off of trauma, not drugs. at first he feels accepted by them due to this shared disconnect, until the crowd starts to terrorize him for not being able to cut off his own trauma and mental health issues.

these boys WERE his therapy. his father had stopped paying for therapy at this point since the asylum had deemed him "fixed," and while he was still on medication, he was so far gone that he needed more than that. considering they were essentially the only thing influencing him to keep going, he'd often put himself in risky situations, and almost got killed multiple times.

despite all of this he still managed to get himself into college. he still doesn't know how; all of senior year is a blur to him. all he remembers is sleepless nights and crying in stranger's bathrooms. but freshmen year comes fast, and a nineteen-year old gary takes his first steps towards adulthood.

his father decides to teach him his version of "responsibility" (which in reality is just child neglect) and takes him off of his medication. he tells gary that if he wants help he'll have to pay for it himself; he's an adult now, he should take charge. the thing is, gary can't mentally hold down a job and keep up with school. it's too much and tends to very easily overwhelm his autism. so, he just quits cold turkey.

he stops hanging out around the boys he was previously associated with and started hanging out a lot with his abusive roommate. this roommate was often very ableist towards gary but gary took it since he literally just, didn't have anyone else. and he was tired of being lonely.

he enters his sophomore year and nothing is getting better. he's started having violent outbursts that are worse than those he expierenced in high school, and his roommate and him have been fighting. so he decides to quit school and drop out. this decision is impulsive and doesn't last very long.

when he enters his house he catches his father cheating on his mother. his father hits him for what he witnesses and threatens him. gary knew that his home wasn't safe to go back to but he had longed for some sort of familiarity. this was familiar. the abuse was familiar. and it made him really, really fucking angry.

he burned down his father's house that night on a whim, killing four people: his father, his father's mistress, his mother (who was sleeping upstairs), and one of the servants. many other servants and butlers were injured. panicking, he went to his roommate and begged them to lie to the police about where he had been, essentially admitting to the crime. his roommate agreed, sick with power, and lied to the cops, saying him and gary had spent the night studying in their room.

gary got a burn scar from the fire on his forearm and started wearing a lot of long sleeves after that. it's very rare to catch him without them in this au.

he drifted around in a sort of daze after that. he had just killed his parents and he felt both relieved and frightened, but his brain refused to process any of it. he went to his father's funeral, where most of the town of bullworth had gathered. gary's family was tied as wealthiest in the town, rivaled only by the harrington's, and they were extremely popular. teachers, lawyers, students, everyone showed up, even people who didn't know him.

one of those people was a cop who told gary he was sorry for his loss. it was outside the funeral, and gary was smoking a cigar. gary panicked as the cop turned; why would a cop talk to him? did he know what gary had done?

gary leapt on top of him and strangled him, then stuffed his body in a nearby dumpster and fled in a panic.

surprisingly, he didn't get caught then. he wasn't even questioned by authorities. he returned to college, but was soon called back to bullworth to sort out his father's will. his father had left him everything. gary became rich, yet didn't know what to do with it. at this point he was terrified of therapy, wondering what his therapists would say if he confessed to the murders or the anger issues, and was paranoid that the medication was poisoned. paranoia made him refuse to ask for help and he put forth all of the money to pay for his college tuition, stuffing the remaining sum into a savings account.

after that he attached himself to his roommate. while they had been "friends" before, they didn't hang out often. now gary sought to hang out with him all the time. gary was terrified of being alone with himself, and terrified even more of having another breakdown.

sophomore year ended and junior year rolled around. him and his roommate got in a huge fight. roommate called him overbearing and went to hit him; gary whipped out his pocket knife and stabbed him.

he took great care to hide the body of this one; he put it in an incinerator and burned it. when he went back to the dorms and cleaned up he was shaking. he hated himself. he decided that night that he'd focus completely on school; he was a psych major who wanted to become a therapist to give kids what he had never had.

he met jimmy again his senior year of college. jimmy had went to a tech school and become a small-town cop. he didn't seem fazed that gary was his ex-rival and instead made peace between them; jimmy even introduced him to several of his children.

jimmy wasn't exactly dating anyone, but was kinda dating everyone. he cared for his kids, both adopted and biological, from past relationships he had had, but tended to jump around from relationship to relationship quite quickly. he never abandoned his children however and sought out to give them the best life they could have. that's why he was a cop.

gary didn't know any of this at the time and found himself falling in love with jimmy. it was the first time anyone had looked at him with kindness for four years. he was lonely and he was tired of himself, so he erased the past from his memory and vowed to start over. and he did. he began dating jimmy a few months after their reconciliation, where he was able to meet lola, gord, pete, and talk with zoe over facetime. it felt like a blessing in what had, until recently, been a rather cursed existence.

he found out jimmy was a cop about a month and a half after dating him.

during this time he swore off of killing, but it didn't last very long. he was assigned a project in english with a classmate. said classmate started coming onto him very strong. gary said no, he didn't stop, and gary killed him.

this one was messy. he was so shaken by the circumstances leading up to the killing that he couldn't empathise with himself that he had just killed another person, again. he fled to jimmy's apartment, drenched in drying blood, and begged him to let him take a shower; he lied, saying he had gotten in a fight with someone, but jimmy wasn't stupid. there were no obvious injuries on gary's person except the burn scar on his forearm.

gary showered and they didn't talk too heavily about it, but jimmy began to get suspicious. he checked into gary's history and realized that people who got close to him tended to disappear. a few days later they had a fight about it and gary ran off to a local club, just trying to get somewhere where people wouldn't know him and wouldn't say his name like he was a monster.

he wandered around the building and found some of his old friends, who gave him a gun and a shiny knife. he was fascinated with them and set them on a nearby table. girl came onto him, he freaked out, and he shot her.

this time there were several witnesses to identify him. he fled back to jimmy's apartment to try and explain but it was of no use. he was arrested, the town rejoiced in their safety and he was given the death sentence.

and that's serial killer au.

#ask #anon #gary smith #serial killer au #long post #i tried to put a read more but tumblr is wack so i apologize

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fooled-around-and-fell · 5 years

Text

Always on My Mind

Summary: Jake was now a famous singer/song writer. One day, he decided to take an old route home and found himself fixing his past.

Genre: angst, romance

Pairing: Jake Gyllenhaal x female reader

Warnings: Abusive relationship, suicide attempt, swearing

a/n: I’m quoting Bruno Major’s song here to take in as Jake’s song. Just letting y’all know :) Also, this is written mostly on Jake’s point of view. I hope you guys enjoy :)

Jake still couldn’t believe what’s happening in his life. After years of struggling and having only a few bucks in his pocket, he finally made it. He released his song online a year ago and it went viral.

It’s been a little more than year now, and Jake couldn’t be happier. He had just finished a recording session for his next album which he also wrote himself, and now he’s heading off to a TV show. The Tonight Show, to be exact.

“And now, please welcome our very first guest. He’s a newfound musician and it’s his first time here, please welcome, Jake Gyllenhaal!”

Jake stepped out to the stage with a huge grin on his face. He gave Jimmy Fallon, the host a hug before sitting down on the couch.

“Thank you, thank you.” Jake smiled, “Thanks for having me.”

“So, Jake, it’s your first time here, man.” Jimmy said.

Jake chuckled, “yeah, it is. I have to say, you have the loveliest audience.”

The crowd cheered. Jimmy then pulled up something under his desk and showed it to everyone, “so this is your album. All of the songs are written and produced by you, correct?”

“Well not all of them, the lyrics and basic piano melody is written by me. I had help from other musicians as well to make this happen.” Jake explained. “I also put some song covers that I thought would go well with the other songs.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Hold on,” Jimmy narrowed his eyes, “so there are also songs that you covered in this album?”

Jake nodded, “yeah, man. My songs are only the first half. The second half are old songs that I covered.”

“Oh,” Jimmy realized and laughed at himself. “I thought they just happen to have the same titles. But anyway, uh, tell us more about your album. What’s the inspiration behind this? How you came up with it?”

Jake smiled at the memories and fixed his position. “Wow, you’re really taking me back here.” Jake chuckled, “It’s uh, there’s this girl-”

The crowd cheered even more and Jimmy rested his head on his hands, as if hearing a fairy tale.

“-who was my neighbor,” Jake sighed as he continued, “she was my neighbor and I thought she was very pretty, and she’s very nice. And in the brink of my struggles, she kinda helped me see the light. We knew each other better then and I uh... I wrote songs about her.”

Jimmy gasped inaudibly and the crowd cheered again. “No way. So you’re telling me, all of these songs are about her?”

Jake nodded sheepishly.

“Dude,” Jimmy looked at him in awe, “You got issues.”

Jake laughed along with him and shrugged, “or maybe just a stalker.”

“Or just a stalker, yeah.” Jimmy laughed. “Wow, she must be one lucky woman. To have someone who’s capable of expressing their feelings into words like you.”

“What? Oh no, we’re not together.” Jake cleared up. “She had a boyfriend.”

“Oh,” Jimmy said sullenly, “then you really do have issues.”

After the show, Jake was finally done for the day. It was already night time when he finished his part, and he couldn’t wait to go to his apartment and just sleep. But as he got in his car, his stomach suddenly grumbled, hungry for something to digest and Jake knew exactly what he wanted at that time; chocolate milkshake. And there’s only one good place he knew that made the best chocolate shakes.

Jake turned his car around and drove his way back to where he was a year ago. It’s a quiet neighborhood, not a lot going on, but left and right were small apartment complexes and small diners. Thankfully, it wasn’t too late that everything had closed.

Jake stepped out of his car and went into the diner, the young man who was on the cash register immediately recognized who he was.

“Jake G! Man, it’s been a long time since I saw you!” He gave Jake a fist bump. “How you been?”

“I’ve been great, Donny. How’s your mom?” Jake asked.

“She’s doing great. She’s in the kitchen- let me call her for ya. Hey mom! Look who it is!” Donny yelled over, making his mom raise her head and grin when she saw Jake.

“Jake! Oh my, it’s good to see you. But have you lost weight? You look so thin!” She said, “Go sit down, son. I’ll cook up something for you.”

“Oh no, Mrs. Johnson. I just came here for-”

“The milkshake? I know honey.” She chuckled, “now go sit down!”

Smiling, Jake sat himself on one of the chairs while looking around. It was just as how he remembered it. It made him think if Y/N was still living in the same place, since they stopped talking since last year.

“You’re moving out?”

Jake stopped in his tracks and put a forced smile on. “Yeah.”

Y/N frowned and leaned against her door. “Today?”

Jake nodded. He didn’t know why he didn’t tell her- oh, of course he knew why. He wanted to hurt her. Not physically, but emotionally. Jake had confessed the other night, hoping that after all they’d been through, Y/N could finally move on and be happy with Jake instead of her ex.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it mattered.” Jake shrugged.

Y/N scoffed. “Didn’t think it mattered? Jake, we’re friends. I think I should know that when I knock on your door, you’re not gonna be there anymore.”

Jake rolled his eyes and continued to move boxes to the truck downstairs. Y/N followed him down and kept arguing.

“Jake, do you really have to move today? I mean, I understand that your career is finally taking off, I’m happy for you. But can’t you go tomorrow? At least let me say a proper goodbye?” Y/N plead, her eyes were evidently holding tears back. “Look, just because I can’t reciprocate your feelings right now, doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends, right?”

Jake sighed and dropped the box in his hands into the truck. “Y/N, I just don’t understand. You know how I feel for you for a long time. You know I care about you, you know that I’m always here for you. But I can’t wait for too long. I have to move forward, too....and I don’t think I can do that if we remain friends.”

“So this is it?” Y/N asked, her voice breaking. “After this, I’m not gonna hear from you? You’re just gonna pretend I don’t exist?”

Jake gulped and shrugged. “I guess so.”

“...fine.” She clenched her fists. “I hope you’ll get what you’ve always wanted, Gyllenhaal.”

Jake’s flashback was interrupted by the delicious smell of Mrs. Johnson’s waffles and a big glass of chocolate milkshake right in front of him. “This all smells and looks so good. Thank you, Mrs. Johnson.” Jake let out a satisfied groan as he took a bite of that waffle.

“Always a pleasure, Jake.”

As he took a second bite, Jake suddenly remembered the night Y/N saved his life. It was the moment when he realized there’s some people out there that cared about him, that he could trust.

Y/N had just returned from work. It was stressful, painful and honestly, she dreaded coming home even more. She had a bagful of Mrs. Johnson’s waffles and two milkshakes, ready to eat all by herself just before her son-of-a-bitch boyfriend came back.

Just as she was about to go inside the building, Y/N noticed a shadow from above. She didn’t think much of it at first, but then she realized she kinda knew who it was. And why was he standing so close to the edge- oh my god. Y/N raced to the rooftop while she told the desk lady to call 911.

Once she arrived at the rooftop, Jake nearly jumped at the noise. He should’ve jumped sooner, he thought to himself. But wait, he knew this girl. It’s his neighbor - what’s she doing here?

“H-Hey! You’re... Jake, right? My neighbor?”

Jake looked at her confusingly, but slowly nodded.

“Um...wha-what’s your last name?”

“...Gyllenhaal.”

Y/N nodded and waved her hand, “Hi, Jake Gyllenhaal. I’m uh, Y/N Y/L/N. Nice to meet you.”

Jake only stayed quiet and glanced at the ground below him.

“You know, it’s going to be a really hard fall.” She commented, making Jake look at her again.

“Living seems worse.”

Y/N approached him little by little when he wasn’t looking. “You sound like you’ve thought this through.”

Jake chuckled. “Hundreds of times.”

“So why now?”

Jake sighed and sat down, letting his legs dangle off the edge. “Just can’t handle it anymore. And I hate that you talking me out of this is working.”

Y/N smiled a little at his remark and sat beside him. “Maybe Mrs. Johnson’s milkshake and waffles too?”

Jake raised an eyebrow. “Chocolate milkshake?”

“Obviously.” Y/N scoffed and handed him a glass. “She makes the best milkshakes, doesn’t she?”

Jake nodded. “Yes she does. So what’s next?” He asked, “you’re gonna tell me it’s all gonna be okay? That the future is bright? Or that you know how it feels?”

“Depends on what your problem is.” Y/N said, sipping her own milkshake.

“How about I’m trash, my music is trash and my life is trash?” Jake offered. “You know how it feels?”

“No, but I have heard you sing.” She said, “I think you have a really nice voice.”

Jake shook his head. “You’re just saying that because you have to.”

Y/N let out a little laugh. “I think you have a good voice, Jake Gyllenhaal. So accept my compliment before I take it back.”

“Okay, okay. Thanks.” Jake chuckled and turned around so his legs were no longer swaying. “I should probably just give up the dream of being a singer. I’m never gonna make it.”

Y/N put her milkshake down and looked at him. “Do you want to give up?”

“Are you kidding? Of course not.. but I have to be realistic. I just don’t have what it takes.” Jake said.

Y/N stayed quiet for a while, just sipping her milkshake while she sat next to Jake, who was now rethinking of that suicide attempt-

“Tried to tell him there’s pain here and suffering too, tried to pray but the angels said ‘we’re too busy for you’...” Y/N sang.

Jake looked at her wide-eyed, it was the first time anyone has ever sang one of his songs. But where did she hear it from anyway? “How did you... where did you...”

“Walls are thin, my friend.” Y/N smiled. “So what goes after that? I couldn’t hear you, it was kind of muffled.”

Jake chuckled, no longer thinking about ending his life as he began singing the rest of the song to her that night.

Without him realizing, Jake had followed his old footsteps home and found himself in front of Y/N’s door. He’s been standing there for a few minutes now. Not knowing what to do. Last time they spoke... it was obvious neither of them wanted anything to do with each other anymore. So what now?

Jake decided to turn around and forget about it. Just as he was, Y/N’s door opened and their eyes met. Y/N nearly dropped the trash she was about to throw away if it weren’t for Jake who helped her put it down gently.

“H-Hi.” Jake started.

“What are you doing here?”

Jake shut his mouth and gulped. He deserved that. “I just uh... I was in the neighborhood and.. thought I’d say hi.”

Y/N kept her gaze low and let her hair cover her vision. “We’re not friends. You don’t need to do that-”

“I know, I know.” Jake sighed. “I just... I want to apologize for what happened a year ago. I was heartbroken and immature. I should’ve told you that I was moving-”

“Hey babe, who’s this?” Jake’s sentence was cut off by a man, suddenly circling his arms around Y/N tightly. A man named Alex, Y/N’s disgusting ex, or so Jake had renamed him.

Y/N swallowed thickly and hugged herself. “It’s- It’s no one-”

“Oh, I remember you.” Alex said. “You’re the one who took Y/N away from me. Well guess what, asshole? We’re together again, and we’re happier than ever. Am I right, sweetheart?”

Y/N nodded mindlessly, avoiding Jake’s judgmental eyes.

“You went back to him? Y/N, what-” Jake was about to question her when he finally took in her appearance. She hasn’t been taking care of herself. Her hair was too long for her liking, she was unhealthily skinny, there were bags under her eyes and she’s wearing a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants when it’s like a thousand degrees outside?? Jake glared at Alex. “Listen, you bastard, you get the hell away from her now. You hurt her-”

“Whoa, that’s a big accusation there.” Alex scoffed, “For all I know, you’re the one barging in here and pointing fingers at me, claiming that you’re friends with Y/N when you’re clearly not, right baby?”

Jake looked at him unbelievably and frowned. “Y/N, you need to leave him now.”

“We’re not friends.” Y/N mumbled, avoiding Jake’s eyes again.

Jake clenched his jaw. It hurt him to hear you say that, but he knew it was just an act so that Alex wouldn’t hit her later. Which meant, he needed to visit her when he’s away. “Fine. FINE. I’ll leave.”

Alex only spared him a cocky scoff and shut the door in his face, immediately turning Y/N to face him.

Jake didn’t hear any plates smashing or hitting from inside, so he left to come back the next day. Hopefully, you’d be in the right mind to talk to him.

As Jake got into his car and drove off, he kept silently cursing at himself for leaving you behind like that. He should’ve known Alex would come right back to her and hit her again, if not worse.

“Y/N, please talk to me. You’ve been acting weird for the past month if not more and you look like you haven’t slept!” Jake visited her at the store the other day.

“Jake, I’m just...not feeling well.” Y/N said. “It’s been a difficult here at the store. I just need to get some rest and I’m-”

“Stop lying, Y/N.” Jake stood in front of her, looking at her eyes, begging her to tell him what’s wrong. “I can help.”

Y/N stared back at his brown eyes. Jake was the single best thing that’s ever happened to her. Although how they got closer was on unfortunate situations, Jake had been nothing but supportive in her life. So maybe, maybe she could tell him this one.

“Tell me what’s bothering you.”

Y/N swallowed and looked down. “It’s Alex.” She said, “He’s been... he’s been....”

Jake frowned. “What is it?”

“He’s been hitting me.”

Jake visited Y/N’s flower shop the next day. She was inside, rearranging the flowers on the display while wearing long sleeves. Jake’s suspicion was correct all along.

He had cleared his schedule for the day, claiming that he’s been too busy and needed some time off. When really, he needed answers on why on earth would Y/N be stupid enough to take Alex back? Alex, the Alex that beat her up almost everyday, until Jake could hear her scream from his apartment room every night.

He would’ve stopped him if it weren’t for her begging him not to. But of course, he had his limits too. He couldn’t watch some bastard hit the girl he loved any longer.

Y/N tried desperately to get Jake to leave, insisting that when Alex came back, he’d kill Jake. But Jake was relentless. He wasn’t going to leave until he made sure Alex wouldn’t come back.

“Jake, please-”

“No.” Jake said, “enough is enough. He can’t treat you like this anymore. You deserve so much more than him.”

Y/N was getting antsy. They had called the cops a few minutes ago, and Alex was about to arrive home right about now, but she couldn’t hear the police sirens yet.

“I’m scared.” Y/N admitted.

Jake stood up and held her shoulders firmly. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m right here with you. We’ll get him, Y/N.”

She nodded and took a deep breath. “I’m glad you’re here with me, Jake.”

“Me too.” Jake pulled her in for a hug and he could feel her nervousness. He was nervous too, but he couldn’t show it. He needed to be strong now than ever.

Jake opened the door to her flower shop and he was greeted with the one scent he would never forget. Lavenders. It was a thing she loved; the color, the scent, the flower.

“I’ll be with you in just a minute!” He heard her say from the back. Jake wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and put his hands in his pocket.

A few moments after, she came out of the storage. “Hi, sorry to keep you waiting.... oh my god, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Y/N-”

“What are you doing here now, Jake?”

Jake gulped, his throat suddenly dry. “I just... I wanted to see you.. and talk to you..”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said. Truth be told, it’s not that Y/N wasn’t happy to see Jake. But if Alex found out... “We’re not friends, Jake.”

Jake sighed and looked at her bruised wrists she desperately tried to hide. “He’s hurting you again. Don’t try to deny it.”

Y/N tugged her sleeves down. “It’s..none of your business.”

“The hell it isn’t.” Jake said. “Why are you back with him again?”

Y/N scoffed and pushed past him to busy herself with her flowers. “You can’t expect me to answer that, Jake. I don’t owe you an explanation.”

“We sent him to prison because he was hurting you and now he’s back and you’re not gonna do anything about it?!” Jake was getting frustrated. What the hell happened to the Y/N he knew?

“You don’t get to say that!” She pushed him. “Not after what you did! You walked out on me a year ago, don’t expect me to welcome you right back just because now you’re famous, Gyllenhaal. You walked out on us.”

“Us-” Jake released a frustrated sigh while running his hands through his hair. “There was no us to begin with- okay, you know what? I was hurt and immature. I apologize for that, but how the hell do you expect me to just remain friends with you?? You, who I’ve been in love with for the past... years! Years!”

Y/N shoved the handful of lavenders to him. “I just got out of a toxic relationship. I needed time before I could... jump on another man! And I was talking about our friendship! We’ve been friends for years and just because I told you I couldn’t date anyone back then, you decided you didn’t want to be my friend anymore!”

“Oh, sure!” Jake shouted back, “couldn’t date anyone? Look at you now! Back in the arms of the person who nearly killed you!”

Y/N took the lavenders back and put them in a vase. She didn’t have anything more to say to Jake. It wasn’t her choice - nothing ever was.

Jake finally calmed down and took a deep breath. “I can treat you better, Y/N. I love you. I still do.”

Y/N released a sigh. “You don’t get it, do you, Jake?”

“Get what?”

“We’ve put him behind bars before and he got out,” She said, “what makes you think anything we do now would work?”

“He doesn’t have control over you, Y/N. You know that.” Jake said.

Y/N shook her head. “He’s too strong. He could be watching us right now...”

Jake tried his best to get Y/N to leave Alex, but it seemed like he needed more time. But for now, he’s left her with his number and address, in case of an emergency and she needed a place. He told Donny, who had friends in the neighborhood to watch over her, and if something were to happen, he should call Jake immediately. Jake just hoped that one day, she’d reach out to him again and let him help her.

It’s been a week now. Jake hasn’t heard from Y/N and it’s killing him. Was she in too much trouble and couldn’t call for help? What if Alex found his number and ripped it off before she could memorize it? Jake’s leg bounced in the driver’s seat as he waited for the traffic jam to clear.

Once he had arrived at his floor, Jake was surprised to see someone crouching right in front of his door. For a second there, they looked like-

“Y/N?”

The person raised their head. It was Y/N. She had been waiting for him to come back for hours now and it was obvious she had been crying. “..Jake.”

“Y/N, are you okay?” Jake ushered next to her and helped her up. “Are you hurt anywhere?”

Y/N stood up and tapped her face lightly. “No, I’m.. I’m fine. I’m okay.”

Jake was still holding her arms in case something unexpected happened and he didn’t realize she was waiting for him to open the door until she said so. “Oh, OH! Sorry, I.. got distracted.”

“It’s okay,” Y/N smiled and went in after Jake unlocked the door. She looked around Jake’s new apartment, and it’s definitely a total upgrade from his old one.

“Hey, uh.. you want something to drink? Wine? Water?”

“I’ll.. have some wine.” Y/N said as she sat on his couch. She saw on the coffee table, was a picture frame of both of them. It must’ve been taken years ago.

Jake put the wine glass on the table in front of her and sat down gently. “Y/N, is everything really okay?”

She rubbed her hands together and nodded. “I called the police today. I uh... I told them what Alex has been doing, and they took him away.”

Jake put his glass down and grasped her hand. “Y/N, this is great news.. but you don’t look too happy.”

“I just...” Y/N sighed, “I wished I realized just how simple it was. He’s tortured me twice now, and I honestly thought he wouldn’t be able to do it anymore the second time, but I.. I let him in, Jake. I let him in again.”

She continued, “..If you weren’t there yesterday to talk to me.. I would still be in my apartment now, probably getting beat up. So I guess.. I guess I’m here to say thank you, for making me brave enough to do it..and goodbye.”

Jake narrowed his eyes. “..goodbye?”

“We didn’t get to do it properly last time, and..” Y/N swallowed thickly. “I don’t want to end on bad terms with you, Jake. Anyone but you.”

Jake was too busy thinking about Y/N’s toxic relationship with Alex that he didn’t think about what had happened to him and Y/N in the first place. But why was she doing this?

“..I should probably just go-”

“Stay.” Jake stood up and held her hands. “Stay here tonight. With me.”

Y/N stayed silent while Jake guided them to a spacious space in front of the TV. Of course she wanted to stay, but what would happen then? Their lives were too far apart now... they lived in two different worlds.

Jake went to play Y/N’s Favorites, a playlist he had in his phone. And the first song was Always on My Mind, covered by Michael Buble.

“Jake..”

“Ssh,” He hushed her, “just tonight, let me show you just how much I love you. If you want to leave in the morning, or when I’m sleeping, then... I won’t stop you.”

Y/N looked hesitant, but in the end she wrapped her arms around Jake’s neck as he put his arms around her waist and they moved along with the song.

“Maybe I didn’t treat you, quite as good as I should have.. Maybe I didn’t love you, quite as often as I should have.. Little things I should’ve said and done.. I just never took the time.. But you were always on my mind, you were always on my mind..”

Jake sang to Y/N softly and closely to her ear and she pulled away to take a good look at him.

“I don’t want to say goodbye.” She held back her tears, “Not to you, not ever.”

“Neither do I.” Jake nodded, his tears also welling up.

Y/N placed her hands between his head and gently pulled him closer, giving him a kiss on the lips. “But I want to take it slow.. is that okay?”

Jake smiled and kissed her forehead. “I wouldn’t have it in any other way.”

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introvertguide · 4 years

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Vertigo (1958); AFI #9

We are taking another dip into the AFI top 10 with the highest rated Hitchcock film, Vertigo (1958). This film was not well rated critically or at the box office upon initial release despite being game changing with its innovation in plot and filming. The film was nominated for Best Sound and Best Set Direction, but those were 2 aspects of the film that seemed the least award worthy. I am not sure about the sound design, but I agree with the set direction. Worthy of nomination would have been cinematography and score as well. Maybe best adapted screenplay. I would not say this is Hitchcock’s best directing since he did more as a producer pulling together great talents then he did as a director. We can discuss more about that, but I want to go over the plot first:

MAJOR SPOILER WARNING! WATCH THE MOVIE BEFORE READING FURTHER!!

The film starts with a rooftop chase in which a policeman dies trying to help a detective who slipped and is about to fall. The policeman dies attempting to save the detective and the detective is mentally traumatized by the event.

The detective turns out to be Scottie Ferguson (James Stewart) and he has decided to retire from the force because of his acrophobia that brings on a sense of vertigo. (Note: There was a very poor understanding of phobias at the time and almost all of the information given seems pretty silly compared to the accepted understanding of phobias today, so I consider it more that the characters do not understand. I don’t want to nitpick a 60 year old film when the psychological field has progressed so much since then.) He has a friend named Midge (Barbara Bel Geddes) that wants to help him get over his fear and get back on the force, but Scottie seems like he will have to take it slow.

Right as Scottie has healed physically, he is contacted by an old friend to act as a private detective. Gavin Elster (Tom Helmore) requests that Scottie follow his wife around since she is acting strange and has an unhealthy attachment to a woman who committed suicide in the 1800s after losing a child. The wife is named Madeleine (Kim Novak) and Scottie tails her throughout the day and finds that she purchases things associated with this dead woman and goes to places related to the woman. He finally witnesses her attempt suicide by jumping into a bay and he jumps in and saves her. There is a scene of what today seems awkward because Scottie brings Madeleine home and strips here out of her wet clothes instead of taking her to a hospital. I guess it was normal at the time because she is thankful and then she leaves in the morning.

Scottie has become smitten so he tracks down Madeleine the next morning and spends the day with her but doesn’t mention he was hired by the husband. They spend the day together and she goes in and out of a trance like state until they finally go to an old mission and Madeleine runs up into a bell tower and commits suicide. Scottie tries to follow and stop her but his acrophobia slows him down enough that he doesn’t see the jump, only the falling body. In any case, Madeleine is dead and Scottie is again traumatized.

Scottie is not blamed for the death, but he goes into a catatonic state and stays at a sanitarium for an undetermined amount of time. The doctor tells a visiting Midge that it could take 6-12 months to get past his trauma, and she mentions that Scottie was in love with Madeleine and the doctor says that is even worse. Scottie eventually is released, yet he has not completely recovered and goes to all the places that Madeleine used to go. He becomes more obsessed and is elated when he bumps into a woman named Judy Barton who looks identical to Madeleine (also played by Novak). Scottie creepily follows Judy home and talks his way into her apartment.

This is where things get weird. Scottie talks his way into her apartment and then takes her on a date. It is revealed to the audience (but not Scottie) through a flashback that this is the same woman that was known as Madeleine, but a different woman had been thrown from the bell tower right as Madeleine had reached the top of the tower and Scottie had missed it due to his problems with vertigo at heights. The woman has brown hair and wears a different style of clothes, so Scottie becomes obsessed with changing Judy until she looks just like Madeleine. The audience doesn’t know who to feel sorry for because Judy is made out to be lying to make Scottie feel crazy, but she obviously has feelings for Scottie. He, on the other hand, has been tricked and is going crazy becoming dangerous and emotionally abusive to Judy.

They go around to different shops and services until Judy is successfully transformed back into Madeleine when she makes a mistake of putting on a necklace that was one that Madeleine was supposed to be obsessed over and Scottie realizes he has been tricked. He suddenly decides to drive Judy (completely dressed as Madeleine) back to the bell tower and it is revealed that Judy was a paid actress that Scottie was asked to follow thinking it was Elster’s wife while the real wife was killed and thrown off the roof. Scottie was chosen specifically because he wouldn’t be able to climb the tower despite seeing her go up.

Scottie physically (and abusively) pushes Judy up the stairs up to the top where she confesses everything. They are suddenly surprised by a nun who is coming up to ring the bell and Judy falls to her death from the same bell tower. The nun rings the bell and Scottie looks down and the movie ends.

One thing to note about the movie is that the whole thing takes place in and around San Francisco. It is very scenic and at times seems almost like an industrial film promoting tourism for the area. This is prominent because the location was the first thing decided about the movie. Alfred Hitchcock went to San Francisco, called it the Paris of America, and decided to make a movie set in the city before he had any kind of story in mind. This was not the first time he did this, but it still seems like a weird starting point to me. Needless to say, there is a really cool driving tour about all the Vertigo locations in the Bay Area that makes for a really nice overview of the area.

I understand that Hitchcock was a fan of blonde actresses in their 20s and that he had a great working relationship with Jimmy Stewart as his go to lead actor, but this made for somewhat awkward love interests in some of the movies in the late 50s and early 60s and this was no exception. It is especially awkward when Scottie is going crazy and forcing Judy to dress in a certain way and pushes her up to the top of a bell tower. Knowing the stories of Hitchcock, that might have been entirely intentional. Another aspect that is a little weird is how obviously bad that Scottie is at being a detective. His inability to follow a suspect without being blatantly obvious is laughable at times.

Despite this being called Hitchcock’s masterwork, I can’t praise this movie without noting all the things that he did not do. San Francisco gets points for being naturally beautiful. Associate producer Herbert Coleman did a great job finding beautiful locations. The screenplay of Vertigo is an adaptation of the French novel D'entre les morts (From Among the Dead) by Pierre Boileau and Thomas Narcejac. The actual adaptation went through the hands of 3 different writers finally ending with Samuel Taylor, the writer of other classics such as Sabrina and Avanti. The intro to the movie was done by the great Saul Bass. The costumes were done by the great Edith Head. The 1st unit DP Robert Brooks made all of the location shots blend beautifully and the 2nd unit DP Irmin Roberts invented shots to create the vertigo effect. Bernard Hermann once again stepped in and created a haunting score that was robbed for not getting an Oscar nomination. Of course, Alfred would have been lost without the help and patience of his wife Alma, who was never credited but apparently helped quite a bit with the editing process on this film.

Even beyond the original making of the movie, the film negatives were restored to amazing quality by Robert Harris and James Katz in 1996. Hitchcock held on to the negatives and the movie was not shown until after his death and the prints look faded and dingy when finally released in 1984. Over a decade later, the movie was chosen for restoration and it was suddenly considered an artistic classic. It has been opined by critics that the film actually looks better now than Hitchcock ever imagined it would, so it can be argued that this is much more than a Hitchcock movie.

I do think that the restored film is a beautiful masterpiece, but I can imagine that the film was not as well received on initial release because the first hour is almost completely beauty shots of San Francisco and it would have gone over pretty poorly if the film was of low quality. Maybe a bit of a hot take, but I think the movie has become better over time. This seems more apparent because the recognition for the movie didn’t happen when it was first rereleased into the public in 1984, but suddenly became a masterpiece in the late 90s after it was remastered.

So should this movie be on the AFI list? Oh yes. Shot as almost a love note to San Francisco and the California Bay Area, this is a very American film. Also, the invention of the dolly zoom to imitate the feeling of vertigo has been used widely throughout the industry. Also, the idea of introducing the plot twist to the audience 30 minutes before the main character was risky but ingenious. Absolutely one of the best movies (at least the restored version I have seen) of all time. Would I recommend it? Yes. It is neither my favorite movie of all time nor is it even my favorite Hitchcock film (that goes to Rear Window), but it is a truly great movie and worth going out and finding for a watch. Appreciate the acting, the use of color, the vertigo zoom, the beautiful scenery, and the great story that was conceived on a trip in 1951 and was eventually restored to near perfection almost 50 years later. Please see it and enjoy.

#vertigo #50s #Hollywood cinema #movies #films #afi films #alfred hitchcock #Jimmy Stewart #kim novak #suspense #introvert #introverted #restored

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hecohansen31 · 5 years

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A Truly “Wicked” Plan:

Jim Mason+Reader

A/N: Hello there, lovelies!

It’s been an awful long time since I posted about my favorite ocean boy!

(Also for the fans of “Just Ride”, I am working on some angst about that fic, plus I low key want to write a very cute epilogue so you can all enjoy some sweetness...).

So here is a bit of a fake-dating AU, mixed with on of my favorite musicals, “Wicked”!

I honestly wanted it to be more on the musical at the start, but then this came out and although I know it isn’t perfect (I know that it might seem a bit rushed) I wanted to let out a bit of musical love.

Hope you’ll like it!

(Also before you go in, or meanwhile reading this I highly suggest to listen to this... or the entire “Wicked” soundtrack, you do you boo...)

(Feedback in any form, as long as it’s respectful, is very much welcome!)

Love you lovelies!

SUMMARY: Right when you get your perfect role in your favorite music, your long-time and annoying crush, Jim Mason, is casted to play your lover... which might turn out to be more interesting than what you might have thought...

WORDS: 4, 1 K.

WARNINGS: Just fluff, and musicals and mention of drug abuse!

She had always wished to play Elphaba in “Wicked”.

Not only because she had felt so similar to that character, but also she loved her parts and songs.

And whenever she had considered actually trying for anything musical-related she had found herself drifting to “For Good”, covering both Glinda and Elphaba’s parts, laughing at herself in her room.

So not only she had been fully overjoyed when her school had chosen “Wicked” as their annual musical, but the best part had been that she had been chosen to play Elphaba, since most of the girls had either tried for Dorothy or Glinda.

She had been just happy to wear that green paint and twirl around with a broom, no matter her shyness, no matter how uneasy she felt in big places.

But on the stage, with her dress and her broom, but most importantly… her voice, she could be anybody, even a cool person.

She had been deaf to any kind of insults or snicker thrown her away, too focused on her role, or at least this had been the route till they had casted Jim Mason as Fierro.

To say she had had a crush on Jim Mason since he had first come to Palos Verdes had been an underestimation of how much her little heart speeded up whenever he passed near her, and the way he laughed…

But she had seen the people he hanged out with, and she didn’t belong with them, so her chances to even catch his eyes were less than zero.

Well at least till they had to pretend to be lovers, sharing even a very emotional song, one of her favorites.

She had hoped that it wouldn’t be awkward in any kind of way.

But Jim had also made it very clear that he wasn’t there because he liked the musical, straight up messing up everything much to the amusement of his idiotic friends, not learning lines and not coming to their tryouts.

And she had tolerated it because she was a small fish in the chain of her high school, but she also had her own breaking point, which happened when she was trying the stage moves, just for Jimmy to bump into her with painting, making it all fall on her stage-dress.

It was an accident but she… lashed out on Jim.

“Why do you have to ruin anything?!” her words seemed to shpck him and he moved to apologize and to stop her from leaving, but she was full of embarrassment and pent-up anger “… don’t touch me! I honestly hate you! You shouldn’t be surprised that they casted you as a scarecrow without a brain!”.

As soon as she got in her car, the rage had been pushed away by shame, for the little show she had given everyone, clearly feeling she had overreacted, passing off as an hysteric woman, most of all because she had lashed out on poor Jim, right when all that had happened had been an accident.

So, she had decided to avoid try-outs for the rest of the day, going home and trying there Elphaba’s poses, meanwhile her mother tried to clean her dress.

The following day she had actually thought about avoiding going to school, not wanting to confront Jim and the others, but she had forced herself to, not wanting to miss anything due to her embarrassment.

She had to try things out, before confirming they weren’t working.

At school, nobody acted against her or did anything out of the ordinary, and she was actually surprised to see Jim standing by her usual seat, before English literature started, looking like he had had a pretty sleepless night, and she honestly thought about running away.

But he spotted her and smiled at her, trying to brighten the entire situation, even pushing himself up, from his cradled position.

She moved closer, to her desk, setting her backpack down on it, meanwhile he ruffled his hair, before adjusting them, finally facing her.

-I just wanted to say…- he started, but she swiftly stopped him, immediately wanting to apologize.

-…I am sorry for lashing out at you, yesterday, I am sorry… it’s the anxiety for the musical…- she wanted to move onto this thing fast so she could go back to being ignored, when Jim stopped her, grabbing gently her shoulders to make them straighten up and look him in the eyes.

-Hey hey, none of that, I was the one who fucked up…- his words made her melt, mostly because from the regret in his eyes he meant what he said-… I will pay for the dress, whether to get it cleaned or to get it sawn it again-.

-Jimmy it was an accident, don’t worry- she immediately caught upon on what she had said and he seems as surprised as her, before smiling brightly at her-… oh Gosh, I keep on being stupid… sorry-.

-You can call me Jimmy, all you want… you are the cutest- he patted her shoulder, before bringing her closer, getting her to screech, meanwhile he hugged her gently and immediately she felt wrapped in the pure warmth of happiness -… I am actually the one who should be sorry for having been a true “brainless scarecrow” to you, I swear I will take my role as prince Fierro seriously-.

Still wrapped in his arms, embarrassed almost as much as that time her top had come off, after she had jumped in her best friend’s swimming pool, she didn’t know how to react and mumbled up a few “mmmhhh”, “oh you are not” and “you have nothing to be sorry for”.

But Jim, kept on being stubborn and maintained his opinion, before releasing her and getting down on his knees, making her gasp louder.

(She was sure that a pretty crowd was watching them, but she avoided looking anywhere other than Jimmy’s eyes).

-I sweat on my knight’s honor I will avoid anything coming your way, paint or terrible acting, and take this role serious- he swore, as if he was seriously pledging his loyalty to her.

-Jim, please, get up, you are making a scene- she immediately covered her eyes, meanwhile Jim just laughed.

-C’mon, you know what you have to say- he prompted her, and she almost thought that he was trying to get back to her, through making fun of her.

But still she complied his order, although rolling her eyes, annoyed, at his childish, but cute, behavior.

-… oh, my courageous knight, I appreciate this, and I shall accept thy pledge- and he finally got up, before holding out his hand.

-Truce? – he asked her -I swear I will take this role seriously! -.

-Truce- she accepted his head, before looking at him seriously -…only if you come up an hour before for rehearsal, since you are pretty behind with your lines-.

Jimmy just smirked at her, before muttering something like “you are tougher than I expected”.

Well… he got a big storm coming.

Between her and Jim things started to get better, mostly because as soon as he started taking the entire thing seriously, he was pretty good as Fierro, and the chemistry between them was tangible.

Or at least it was what the musical director, Mrs Santana, had said when she and Jim had performed for the first time “As Long As You Are Mine”, without a single mistake.

Also, she had severely forbidden Jim to appear at rehearsal under the influence of anything and although it was sometimes hard, his hands getting tremors and sometimes is voice breaking, she had done her best to calm him down, strangely getting Jim to open up with her.

“Since he has left us…” he had once confessed to her, meanwhile they took a moment to breath outside, him smoking and her hiding in his jean jacket, since it had appeared to be colder than what she had foreseen, making her leave her jacket inside “… mom has gone crazy, and I just… feel like everything is pushed on my shoulder…”.

And she had hugged him, murmuring sweet nothings in his ear, calming him down, answering his worried calls in the middle of the night, no matter what, listening to what he had to say, before giving suggestions advice or just a nice word.

She had been there for him in order for him not to go back to his old habits.

Meanwhile she did his best to keep him from any toxic behavior her crush had developed into something different, more mature.

But she wasn’t sure about Jimmy’s feeling, mostly because he was going through so much at the moment and she didn’t want to push him into something, just because he felt in debt with her for her comfort.

So, she had tried to keep their friendship at bay, lighter than anything else.

She rejoiced whenever he called her “Elphi”, faking that she was offended for it, but her heart swelled every time he muttered it, or when she had seen him saving her number under that ridiculous nickname.

The day of the show, she was straight up panicking, but tried to keep it all in, smiling nervously at the other guys of the crew, meanwhile they waited for everyone to arrive; she had actually made a few friends with a few of her fellow stars.

The only person missing was Jimmy, and when he arrived, he seemed shocked, enough that she took him away to comfort him, before they went on the stafe.

“Is everything…?”

“My mom discovered about this entire thing and forbid me from coming here” he looked seriously close to having a panic attack “I had to fight with her… and I don’t want to go back home”.

“You can come and stay at my house” she proposed, knowing it wouldn’t bother her parents, mostly because after they had heard what had been going on with Jim, they had insisted to host the poor boy, on the worst nights.

“I need…” and he reached for his pocket, where he usually stored his drugs, something of his she had picked up over the course of events, but she stopped him, gripping his hands in hers, bringing them between them, and looking at him sternly in the eyes.

“No, you don’t need them”.

“… they will make me feel better” he mumbled, trying to lower his eyes, but she kept the eye-contact.

“For a few hours, then it will be worse, you know it!” she told him “…I know it is hard and I don’t expect you to believe me, but… Jimmy… there are better ways to get through this, and no matter what… it will get better, you have to believe me-.

Jim didn’t seem too convinced but he nodded, before bringing her in a bear hug and she softly sniffed his smoke-filled smell, caressing gently his back till she felt him relax under her.

-… also you don’t have to play Fierro, I can tell Mrs Santana…- she tried, but he shushed, his smile a bit brighter.

-Elphi, I had to wear a tights, so I am not going to let it all go to waste- and then he gave her a little push, to make her turn her around -… move your ass, we have a crowd to impress-.

-…only if you feel ok- she added, trying to look back at him, but he was avoiding her eyes, before pushing her, playfully, again.

-I am ok, but I seriously might take up on the offer of staying on your couch…- and then he wiggled his eyes -… or in your bed-.

And feeling daringly she turned around, sending him a malicious look:

-… let’s see how well you do on the stage, Fierro! -.

They had been amazing, but that hadn’t surprised her.

Not a single bit.

They had been ready to give their best.

And that’s what they had given to their audience.

They had performed perfectly the entire duet, heartbreakingly well, not even stepping on their toes once, which had happened frequently during their tryouts, and the entire exhibition had been extremely and truly magical.

She could feel it.

The audience had been extremely excited for the entire song, cheering loudly, and even more loudly when Jim had leaned down to kiss her on her lips, after their song had finished, something which hadn’t been programmed, but it all seemed so emotional and their chemistry had indeed been amazing and…

Still, they had never talked about it, not even mentioned it.

And Jim seemed the calmest about it, when moving off the stage.

But she wasn’t.

Was that a stage kiss? Was it a real kiss?

She had been confused but chose to relegate her anxiety about the situation on a little treasure chest in her brain, in order to go on with the show and then ask her questions when it all ended.

But it all went to hell as soon as she had another scene with Jim and she almost stuttered her lines, but managed to get through the end of it all, but Jim seemed to see through her uneasiness, getting her aside, knowing they had a few minutes of calm, before having to get back on stage.

-Hey, Elphi, is everything alright? – he asked, concerned, and she didn’t want to lie to him or even say the truth, since it might scare him, but…

-I am just a bit anxious- “about what that kiss might have meant”, but she decided to leave that part out, immediately getting him to push a few strands of hair out of her face, gently.

-You are doing amazing, Elphi! -she knew he was a flirty and touchy guy, with no knowledge of boundaries, but that behavior.

This was worse than math.

-Thank you- she just said, trying to get out of this awkward conversation, before he gently kissed her forehead this time and all her defenses were down.

-Jimmy.. why are you doing this? – maybe he was just looking for some kind of comfort, through touch, after he had been starved of it for so so much.

Or maybe he thought she might have wanted some kind of retribution for her comforting…

-For the same reason Fierro would follow Elphaba, betraying anything else- he seemed so so serious and close to kissing her -… that’s what is my next line, say by the way? -.

She swore he had somehow blushed, but other than that he was absolutely serious and it was indeed the next line so he wasn’t lying or…

She just smiled and nodded moving away, not seeing the way Jim looked at her almost as if he had lost his chance… and maybe he had.

At the end of recital, she was so pumped with adrenaline, that the strongest emotions provoked by the kiss with Jim seemed to pass a bit.

Mostly because after what he had said she had just brushed it aside as “a sudden acting choice, in the spur of the moment”.

The entire crowd had been shouting their names, asking them to perform a second time, applauding loudly and even screaming.

Her parents had talked about it for the entire ride, complimenting both her and Jim and her mother had almost made her laugh hysterically, in order to hide the truth, when she had said about “how in love” her and Jim looked, and even Jim had seemed taken aback from it, smiling and thanking quietly your mother.

Her parents hadn’t been able to stay for too much at home, because her sister had apparently had a little problem at the sleepover she was supposed to be at so she had called her parents to ask them to pick her up, leaving her and Jim, alone.

She hadn’t known if it had been the adrenaline or anything else, but she hadn’t minded much about it, unlike Jim who had sent her father a look as if to say “you seriously trust me with your daughter?”.

But her father had never had problems with boys, since she had been extremely calm and slow and he didn’t expect her to be the bold type, plus she was supposed to be alone with Jim just for maximum fifteen minutes, in which the boy moved to her room to change, meanwhile she scooped anything sweet in the kitchen for sugar after the musical.

She couldn’t help but giggle and jump around, extremely happy for what had happened in the musical, proud of herself, for having conquered everything that had stood in her way.

And sadly, this hazy happiness made her accidentally walk in on Jim, who hadn’t locked the room, and she stopped, moving closer to her room, waiting for Jim to give her the sign that she could come in.

But not only the door wasn’t locked, but Jim was on the phone, and the conversation was about her.

“Yeah, the musical went well, Medina!” he answered, a bit annoyed, probably something much more important stuck in his mouth “… but I think I fucked up with (Y/N)”.

And that’s when she straightened up her antennas, understanding that she was involved in whatever they were talking about.

And as much as she felt bad for snooping in Jim’s phone call, he said her name and she was extremely curious.

“… I kissed her” so he had kissed her, he had wanted to kiss her “… and then she asked me why and… I got scared and… I said a lie… and… and I think I scared her… shit shit shit!”.

She remained shocked on the threshold of her room, hidden behind the door, waiting for the phone call to end, meanwhile she pretended she hadn’t heard anything, but her cheeks were burning up and she was pretty sure they were flame-red, now, but her heart was beating so so loudly.

“… what do you mean with ‘everything is alright’?! I might have fucked up my relationship with my best friend, the one person who accepts me for me… I… am trying to calm down, Medina!” she honestly felt extremely bad, for being unable to comfort him “… yeah I think I won’t say anything if she doesn’t mention it, and hopefully she might forget it… shit I fucked up”.

She knocked on the door, feeling as the conversation should have ended there and, and immediately Jimmy came at the door, appearing in a lousy pajama, she had gotten him from her father’s wardrobe, smiling tightly at her.

-I brought refreshments- she tried to avoid talking about the true elephant in the room and to appear natural, not as if she had just heard her crush confess his true feelings about her -… so this can be a proper pajama party-.

He smirked, eyeing chocolate in her hands, immediately trying to steal it from her hands, hence they had a bit of fight over it, before they stumbled on the bed, her on top of him.

The position was awkward enough, after what had happened till that moment.

If she hadn’t pinched herself, she would have believe this was all fiction.

-Jimmy…- she whispered, staring him in his eyes, meanwhile he nodded at her call of his name, trying to make as much space as possible between them, so it would feel more comfortable for her and it wouldn’t look like they were five minutes from kissing each other -… I might have overheard you talking with Medina-.

And he looked like a deer caught in headlights, immediately scrunching away from her.

-… how much have you heard? -.

-Enough to know that the kiss wasn’t accidental – she mumbled, and he looked even more scared, avoiding her eyes, and getting up from the bed.

-Then… I shouldn’t…- but she grabbed his hand and stopped him from leaving.

-Can we talk this out? – she knew that they needed to talk, at least for their mutual respect.

-I am… I am sorry I kissed you, it wasn’t…-.

-I didn’t mind the kiss, Jimmy- it had been so sweet -…but I need to know if you meant it, because… the truth is that I have had the biggest crush on you since forever-.

And he seemed to rejoice at her words, turning back to take a look at her, shocked.

-… but I don’t know about your feelings; I don’t want you to feel forced into this relationship because you feel like you owe me something; no matter what shall come, I will be with you, to comfort you and support you, but… I don’t want your feelings for me to be confused with something else-.

She tried to be as clear as she could with him, looking him in the eyes and trying to appear sincere

And he looked back at her, truly did, smiling gently, before caressing her left cheek sweetly.

-I have had a crush on you, since I first got to know you at the musical, after the entire “painting incident” and I can’t deny that you being gentle and comforting with me, hasn’t had a role in my feelings for you, but I don’t feel like I owe you anything, I mean… I will be forever thankful for you and your words, but those things only made me realize what an amazing person you are-.

And he had been as sincere as her, in his words, looking at her reverently and this time it was her who leaned in, placing a small and chaste kiss on his lips, not even knowing how to kiss perfectly, not at least as him, but he was slow, he took his time with him.

-I don’t deserve you- he mumbled, on her lips, getting a straight up glare from her, which made her pull him into her, immediately getting on top of him.

-First thing you need to know Jim Mason, if you want to date me: people don’t deserve each other, people find each other, they respect and believe each other, and try to make things work out; no self-esteem bullshit, as long as we are together- and she made it clear, kissing all his face, a strange euphoria had taken over, as soon as the knowledge that her crush wasn’t one-sided clicked in her brain.

Meanwhile he gently smiled at her, caressing her hair, before dragging her by it in a new kiss, much less chaste than the previous, definitely lazy (something she always linked to Jimmy) caressing her lips with his, meanwhile his tongue licked her bottom lip and then he went to her upper one, meanwhile she tangled her hands in his hair.

And swiftly the situation was becoming more and more intense, with Jim’s hands wandering a bit, although he had been sweet enough to ask each time for permission, which she had gladly given.

He was halfway through her shirt, when they heard the door of her home open and her father chatting.

They had immediately straightened up their position, adjusting their clothes and putting some distance between them, collecting he food that she had brought and faking they were just eating and talking, calmly.

She really hoped they didn’t notice that her lips were a bit swollen and that she had red blushing cheeks, but her parents were too tired and just told them not to stay up too much, and her mother told Jim that if he wanted, his “bed” was ready.

They just nodded and waved their “good night”s to her parents, before Jim, comfortably laid down on her bed, a bowl of Nutella in his hand, searching for the spoons, sprayed on the bed, getting a side-look from her.

-Oh c’mon, you don’t want all this sweetness to go to waste?!- he mumbled, pointing to the Nutella.

-I just want you to know that this relationship isn’t starting well, if you, in bed with your girlfriend,,. All you think of doing is eating Nutella-.

He seemed somehow taken aback by her words and she thought she had gone too far.

-… does this mean that you are my “girlfriend”? – he mumbled, raising up and meeting her halfway for a sweet kiss.

-As long as you are mine- she mumbled, straight up on his lips, meanwhile he got away and giggled shyly.

-Only my nerdy girlfriend could say something like that after we just performed “Wicked” … - he mumbled, before kissing her again, pushing her under him.

-… but you like me even more because of that- and Jimmy didn’t answer, just kissed her again, and that was enough.

They were enough for each other.

---

Hope that you will like this!

(I am sorry if it was a bit too romance focused than musical, I just wantedb to write something sweet, musical themed, but let me know what you thought about it, it would help me a lot!).

Love you, lovelies!

@vampirefairyestelle @what-the-hecku @reyna6valdez @blakewaterxx @dvncans @kleineshaschen @alienwxre

#jim mason #jim mason x reader #jim mason hc #the tribes of palos verdes #tribes of palos verdes #tribes #tribes of PV #cody fern #michael langdon #michael langdon x reader #ahs #ahs fanfiction #ahs fic #topv #jim mason fem! reader #jim mason fem reader #jim mason fan fic #wicked #fluff

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pppsssyyyccchhhiiiccc · 4 years

Text

Helpless - Jimmy Darling

pairing: jimmy darling x reader

warnings: major spoilers for freak show, amputation

———————————————————————

“I got a deal for you, kid.” The seven words that changed my life permanently.

You see, I’ve been a freak ever since birth. I was born with a rare condition called ectrodactyly, which meant that my normal five fingers were conjoined into two fingers and a thumb on each hand.

Unfortunately, being a ‘freak’ meant many things:

That I would never be accepted into society.

That I would be considered an oddity, an exhibit, something to gawk and laugh at.

And that I’ll never find love.

I never thought much about these things, accepting that they were just part of my life, until I met Jimmy Darling.

I wandered into sunny Jupiter one day and happened upon a small freak show, made up of many acts. One of those acts happened to be none other than Lobster Boy, son of Neptune, god of the sea. I saw him and thought, I’ve found it, I’ve finally found it.

I know, love at first sight, it’s a cliche. And the fact that we’re both freaks with the same condition is doubly cliche, but we had something special.

We formed a beautiful bond, both of us secretly wishing it would develop into something more. In time, I joined the show, combining my act with Jimmy’s as “The Glamourous Lobster Twins”. We started to do everything together, go everywhere together. Hell, we were practically Bette and Dot, joined at the hip.

He even took me to his secret “Tupperware Parties”, where he worked his second gig. Naturally, being a good friend and all, I wasn’t happy about his method of bringing in the bucks, but I had to support him regardless.

One day, the police showed up to camp, not to anyone’s surprise, seeing how often they showed up. They came to arrest Jimmy and I for the murder’s of the housewives from the Tupperware Party. Of course, I had no idea they had been killed, and I knew it wasn’t me or Jimmy, seeing as we left at the same time. But I knew I had to act fast, so I confessed.

“Officer, please keep Jimmy out of this. It was me, I killed those women.” I lied, holding my hands out to the man.

“Y/N, no, what are you doing?” Jimmy protested, pulling me back by my shoulder.

“Shhh, Jimmy, I’m keeping you safe. You need to be at home with all of your family right now, and I’m making sure of it.” I shushed him, cupping his cheek gently.

“But you’re my family, darlin’. Wherever you are is where I feel safe. I can’t see you go.” He cried out when the officer began handcuffing me.

“See you soon, Jimmy Darling.” He held my hand as the police walked me to the car. Little did I know, that would be the last time I’d ever be able to do that.

“What if I told you there was a way you could get out of here and see the freak show again?” Richard said through the bars of my cell.

“Oh please, Mr. Spencer, I’d do anything!” I exclaimed.

“You see, I know someone who works in a certain line of business that would pay handsomely to see you,” he paused, noting the confused expression on my face. “He deals in oddities, freaks, if you will. He makes money by showing the preserved remains of them to paying customers in a museum, and he has been dying to get his mitts on those mitts,” Richard gestured down to my hands.

“H-he wants my hands?” I questioned, more to myself than anyone else.

“Even just one of the conjoined fingers would do. That is, if you’re willing.” He suggested.

“I don’t know, is there anything else I could do to get out of here?” I asked hopefully.

“I don’t think so, hon, he seems pretty firm in what he wants, I don’t know if I could sway him.” Richard said.

“I’d have to think about it.” I said, deep in thought.

“The way I see it, you don’t have much time for thinkin’. You either do this, and get a good lawyer to defend you, or rot in here until a public defense gets your case. And trust me, that’ll do you more bad than good.” He paced outside of my cell.

I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to think. Would I really be willing to stoop as low as selling one of my own appendages to have a shot at getting out of here?

“You know, saying no is a hell of a lot better of an answer than silence. That’ll do you good in court, kid. Good luck.” He began to leave.

“Mr Spencer, wait!” I yelled, getting his attention. “I’ll do it, but just the one finger, right?”

“Of course.” Richard grinned devilishly. “Drink this.” He handed me a small bottle which I downed in a shot. Not even a minute later, I was retching up what was left of yesterday’s lunch into the grimy toilet bowl.

I was quickly escorted out of the jailhouse and into an ambulance, Mr Spencer in tow. They hooked me up to something, making me feel woozy and lightheaded.

“Just rest, Y/N, your procedure will be over in no time.” Was the last thing I heard before I blacked out.

I woke up, a searing pain in my head and both wrists. I groaned and tried to sit up, but my head was gently pushed back down.

“Wha-” I opened my eyes, seeing a blurred version of Jimmy. “Jimmy, where am I? Why does everything hurt?” I croaked out.

“You’re back at the freak show, darlin’.” Jimmy said, smiling weakly. “You- uh- you went to jail to save the rest of us, remember?”

“Yeah, of course I do.” My face screwed up in confusion when I saw tears streak down his face. “Jimmy, baby, why are you crying?”

His eyes looked everywhere except back into mine before they settled on my midsection. I looked down at myself, searching for any noticeable difference, when I noticed my arms were strapped down to the bed.

“What the-” my arms ached as I raised them up to see what was wrong.

My jaw dropped.

Richard had lied.

He didn’t take one of my fingers, he took both of my hands.

A strangled cry ripped from my throat as I stared at the bloody bandaged-up stumps where my hands should have been. The tears poured relentlessly down my cheeks, leaving clean streaks behind them.

“H-he lied, Jimmy! He p-promised he would g-get me out of there! He took m-my h-hands!” I sobbed.

“Oh Y/N, come here, doll.” He muttered, laying down on the bed next to me, laying his head on my chest and wrapping his arms around me. My arms were still strapped to the bed so I couldn’t hug him back, but i nuzzled my face into his neck.

“What am I gonna do? I can’t do anything anymore. I’m so stupid, it’s pathetic.” I sniffled, leaning my head back on the pillow and staring at the top of the tent.

“Hey, look at me.” Jimmy said sternly, gently grasping my jaw and turning my head to face him. “You, are not stupid. Spencer’s a con artist, he tricks people, that’s what he does. If I were in your situation, I would’ve made the same choice, too. I don’t blame you for it. No one does, Y/N.”

“Thank you, Jimmy. What did I ever do to deserve you?” I sniffed, blinking the tears from my eyes. I wanted to reach out to him, but I couldn’t move my arms.

“Here,” He reached over, unbuckling the straps that constrained me. I tried to stretch out my limbs, but a sharp, shooting pain pulsed through them, making my breath hitch. “Don’t move, darlin’. Just stay put for a bit. Let me make you feel good.”

His voice carried no venom or pity, as I feared it might. I didn’t want him to spend time with me only because I was helpless, but I now knew he wouldn’t.

He gingerly crawled onto the bed, straddling my waist. He placed his hands on my cheeks, lips gliding down to meet mine. I moaned into his mouth as his tongue tangled with mine. How did I ever think I would survive in prison without him?

I moved to wrap my hands around his neck as I normally would, but my arms ached and stung. I groaned again, this time not in pleasure, and Jimmy could tell.

“Did I hurt you, baby? I’m so sorry- we should stop, i shouldn’t have done that-”

“Jimmy, it’s okay. It was my fault, don’t blame yourself. I really liked it, actually.” My cheeks tinged pink. “Can we keep going?”

He nodded sweetly, resuming his careful ministrations. He didn’t make me beg, or tease me like he normally would, no. This was a whole new side of him, and I embraced it wholeheartedly.

———————————————————————

if there was a way i could avoid writing endings that would make me immensely happy

let me know if you want to be added to the taglist for my fics! also let me know if you want to be removed lmao

TAGLIST: @felloff-the-moon @dylisbae @gracebtw @imma-witch-bitch @exvanpeters @heavymetalover @totally-true @magicaljellydonut @cobainlover @polarluxray @fuckmedobrik

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tenacious-scripturient · 5 years

Text

a run-down of / my thoughts on the novel ‘trade secrets’

so! i’ve recently finished this beautifully written novel by @bettsican, and am anxiously anticipating for the second book in the trilogy! (seriously, give it a read. it’s a great lgbtq+ thriller and mystery story, i promise you’ll love it!! you can find trade secrets in many places, including amazon, where it’s only $6)

as i was reading it, i noted down all the thoughts i had. it was fun, interesting, and kept me on the edge of my seat!

oh, and spoiler warning, of course.

Chapter One

okay. this is interesting. why are they in paris? or rather, why are they NOT in paris?

2080. damn.

who is cooper hall and why is he important i want to knowwwwwwww

Chapter Two

HOLY FUCK

CHAPTER ONE WAS A PROLOGUE

OKAY IF I DIDNT NEED TO BEFORE I HAVE TO READ IT NOW

-ahem- anyway

nate literally everything you think of has to relate to smoking, doesnt it?

clyde you absolutely bitch raccoon

im sort of piecing together what’s happening here? either way this is a SUPER interesting concept.

i love the idea of every word being important

nate look at you being a nice guy. testing the CAPS before giving them to ur clients

or maybe it’s just good business

but whatever

okay, so credits are money in this world. but how do people get them? obviously there’s what nate’s doing but what’s the legal way to get them? ill probably find out soon

if it wasnt explicitly said by betty that nate ends up with another guy (i forget his name. cooper?) i would have thought audry was the romantic interest

audry you loving caring hypocrite

i feel like she’s gonna be one of my favourite characters

who is this young man that dares disturb nate’s slumber

cooper? cooper.

Chapter Three

nate get up

u turtle get up and hurry down the stairs

or—okay you can fall into that drywall that works too

ohhhhh so nate is a detective. that’s interesting

i also love this idea of keeping secrets (haha trade secrets)

dude are you sure that your embarrassing entrance wasn’t the ONLY reason you blushed? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIG—

nate ur spending an awful lot of time looking at his features you funky little bisexual

oh damn ur smarter than u seem, just watching him take a single breath and you’re already making connections. i guess that’s why he’s a detective

im gonna assume this is cooper, even tho it never explicitly says so

i feel like we aren’t gonna get his name for a while, bc clients and whatnot and not getting attached

Chapter Four

NATE WEARS GLASSES???????

that’s kind of cute

im lowkey gay rn

anyway

NATE CALLED HIM SWEET-FACED AND PRETTY-FACED O K A Y

oh he has curly brown hair

and oh the glasses aren’t real glasses. oh. the use is actually pretty cool!

so from what im gathering civilians are people who don’t live in sanctuaries, and lemnis are people who do?

cooper sweetie why do u need so much money what have u done

nate’s pretty clever

HAH I WAS RIGHT WE AREN’T GONNA GET HIS NAME FOR A WHILE

well that’s that i guess

Chapter Five

he’s so timid awh

hehe he’s on nate’s bed

sorry

goddammit man calm down or else you’re gonna get everyone in a 5-mile radius around you arrested

wait…. zero-credit balance?? didn’t he just have a few hundred thousand credits???

OH THIS IS A FAKE PROFILE HE MADE

so cooper isn’t his real name either

Chapter Six

oh we’re back to 2080

oh they’re back in the apartment??

it was obvious before but at this point it’s confirmed that they’re going to be doing some travelling together or something

Chapter Seven

this is getting really interesting i dont wanna stop reading and type everything that comes to mind

these are gonna be shorter now hehe

“i’d been a petri dish of mixed emotions and wild chemical changes for half the day” I LOVE THAT METAPHOR LMFAO

what happened with nate’s mom

i want to know

my prediction: she wanted him to either change up or completely remove the chip bc she did something horrible? or maybe she just wanted to leave idk im bad at predictions

either way it said she was crazy

o h

that’s why he’s terrified of cutting the chip

poor nate

Chapter Eight

oh this is strangely intimate

very intimate

i feel that, because cooper has such high pain tolerance (or doesn’t show pain), he has some backstory for it

Chapter Nine

lmao nate just went off didnt he

THEIR FLIRTING IS CUTE FHJKJDLSKAJDKLSJAK

also is being lgbtq+ widely accepted as the norm in this setting? bc nate considered cooper to be flirting with him

ughhhh it’s so good so far, from the character interactions to the suspense, especially in this chapter

Chapter Ten

rude cooper is rude, rude nate is even more rude

F E D O R A

“coop”

Chapter Eleven

aw i love jimmy already—

WHAT THE FUCK COOPER

EXCUSE ME

JIMMY

WHAT

HOW COULD YOU

goddammit

what the fuck is cooper hiding

cooper oh my god

you

you’re playing a dangerous game, mate

are you really that heartless

“deceptively innocent eyes” you got that right

this chapter hurted

thanks a lot jess

Chapter Twelve

“like a weeping wound on the canvas of my home” this has got to be one of my favourite similes ever omg

the way nate’s describing cooper makes my heart hurt awh

i feel like butterflies have some sort of symbolism

maybe being ugly on the outside and beautiful on the inside, or vice versa? the vice versa was basically cooper lol

aye we finally get to meet audry!!

PEANUT BUTTER AND TRICYCLE I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THAT

i love audry omg

IT’S NATE’S BIRTHDAY?? HAPPY BIRTHDAY YA SMOKEY CONMAN

“bright eyes” is the cutest nickname ever

Chapter Thirteen

oh we’re back to 2080

wait what they’re trapped together

is this story gonna have a sad ending

please no

Chapter Fourteen

OH IT’S THE LINE ON THE COVER

i like that

nate’s back to where he left cooper

also if it wasn’t obvious before, it’s definitely obvious now that nate and cooper or gonna find each other again. hm. not sure how i feel about that

kind of pissed at cooper but also we need him for the story to progress

O H

COOPER IM ONLY KIND OF PISSED AT YOU NOW

IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE

NATE IVE SAID IT BEFORE BUT YOU’RE PRETTY CLEVER

also who is ‘her’?

COOPER WANTS TO BECOME A?? LEMNIS?? GODDAMMIT MAN

I CAN FEEL THE PRESSURE RISING

nate’s in danger

wow this chapter is

a lot

i need a break

-cue a break-

Chapter Fifteen

i’m back

eisley is a cool last name

oh wait so even people outside of sanctuaries can become a lemniscate

i’m still not 100% sure what a lemniscate is

it’s so ironic elijah’s last name is king, but i assume you did that on purpose. i also like the slight nod to royalty by his first name

COOPER’S BACK

why hello there

Chapter Sixteen

they’re

competing

to become a lemniscate

and one of them dies

do they fight back?? is that why they end up in prison??? so many thoughts are going through my head right now

nate, your fantasy about becoming a lemniscate is surprisingly dark. i’m totally down for it

Chapter Seventeen

oh wait so joshua is cooper’s blackmailer?? Interesting that it’s a lemniscate

i keep forgetting nate is wearing glasses

cooper, my dude, calm the fuck down. you’re gonna get yourself and nate killed

it’s the return of soft™ nate

Chapter Eighteen

oh there’s another one

oh this is very ominous i don’t like

Chapter Nineteen – Twenty-One

okay i was eating while i read so i couldn’t type here but just know that these chapters were really really good

Chapter Twenty-Two

wait fuck what’s happening this is all happening so fast

cooper brought out his gun,,,, it’s aimed at ivonne,,,,,,, they’re walking,,,

OH IT WAS A FAKE KIDNAPPING

nice

i like ivonne a lot

Chapter Twenty-Three

the entire story just changed course

this isn’t just about cooper and nate anymore, it’s about a corrupt government

NATE AND COOPER ARE HOLDING HANDS AS THEY RUN THROUGH THE BARRIER THAT’S SO ROMANTIC

also the line “only the dead are ever truly free” is beautiful

THAT’S WHERE PARIS COMES IN

THEY ALL GO TO FRANCE DON’T THEY

I’m so curious to find out where this story is going

Chapter Twenty-Four

this is doin me a confusion

but tbh these hints/ visions of the future, if you could call them that, are giving just enough information to keep me super interested. props to you

Chapter Twenty-Five

AUDRY STOP TEASING NATE

just joking keep doing it, this might actually get their relationship somewhere

ivonne is definitely my favourite character so far. she reminds a little of melia from xenoblade chronicles, in that they’re both ‘royalty’ that rebel. also they’re badass and smart

oh fuck the brother is here

okay thank god he’s not an asshole

oh god things are happening again

Chapter Twenty-Six

nate stop ogling at cooper when you’re in a life-or-death situation

holy shit the lemniscate are messed up

this crew is pretty great, it sucks that it’s almost the end of the book

WAIT I FORGOT THERE’S A SECOND COMING SOON HECK YEAH

anyway

YES COOPER PULL THROUGH

awwww yiss

Chapter Twenty-Seven

O H

oh my god i ship them so hard

THEY KISSED

THIS IS SO STEAMY

this chapter was art thank you so much for this

Chapter Twenty-Eight

AHAHAH AUDRY

once again, i’d like to state how much i love her

oh the tension just grew twentyfold

this is… great

oh god nate what are you planning, you just got together with cooper and now you want to leave him?

Chapter Twenty-Nine

what’s with all the dancing?

Chapter Thirty

oh god the description

so he’s going around and giving people credits, all the while confessing things that would help the lemniscate track him down. i assume this means he’s going to die, but why?

just what are you planning?

oh we’re back to clyde, the guy who started it all. it feels full circle

Chapter Thirty-One

HE’S MAKING HIS CHIP SHOW THAT HE’S DEAD

that’s much smarter

FUCK

NATE YOU IDIOT—COOPER’S REAL NAME

SHIT NOW KING IS HERE

everything’s going downhill now isn’t it

Chapter Thirty-Two

wait that took an even darker turn

there’s so much happening right now i can’thandlethis

cooper and nate are couple goals

Chapter Thirty-Three

king isn’t as horrible as i thought

still horrible, but not a monster

NEVER MIND YOU’RE A FUCKING MONSTER WHAT IS THIS BS

cooper

actually

shot

nate

Chapter Thirty-Four

OH MY GOD

WHAT

THIS IS HOW YOU END IT

I CAN’T

HOW DARE YOU

i need the next book

like right now

what the hell

Final Thoughts

okay so this book was SO good, and so well written. like damn

aside from that horrible ending how could you do this to me

i’m joking, it was an incredible and emotional ending, i loved it and hated it at the same time

it very rarely felt static, and especially in the first half, there was a good mix of action and backstory/description. it was never boring

the story is just,,, so unique. i seriously haven’t read anything like it, EVER

the world-building?? Is?? so vast?? and insane??

the increasing tension and speed as the story progressed is perfect, i felt my heart beating faster the more i read

anyway that’s all from me

this book was amazing i cannot wait for the next

#writeblr #other writeblrs #trade secrets #phahbiyah speaks

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writingdreamdaddy · 6 years

Note

Thank you for making this blog bless 🙏 could you do the Dads saying “i love you” for the first time?

Of course! I went a little overboard on this one…

Robert—

It washard for him to say it. Part of him felt that he didn’t deserve to love you andanother part of him was scared. Time had passed since Amanda’s “yay you’re offto college” party, meaning time had passed since the conversation Robert and youhad. A lot of time. Getting better was hard and was never enough, and it torehim up that he couldn’t drown all of that in whiskey. He needed to do it, forhimself, for Val, and for you. And it was youthat convinced him of his worth, that what he was doing was brave and good. Youdid that by repeatedly telling Robert that you loved him during his recovery,way before you were dating. It was an ‘I’m comforting you during yourwithdrawal and mental fatigue’ I love you,which was completely different than an ‘I have romantic feelings for you andcherish every waking moment with you’ Ilove you. When the relationship kicked into full gear and you guys werefinally together, it was the happiest he’d been in a long time. It wasn’tshocking when you said the words before he did; the ‘I love you’ words you hadbeen saying to him ever since he needed you. He didn’t say them back the firsttime. He didn’t want you to leave him like Marilyn. Like Val. He’d never admitit, but like Joseph. He didn’t want this‘I love you’ to turn into those ‘I loveyou’. Those I love you’s didn’t last,and he wanted to end that cycle. Soinstead he kissed you in response and hoped it would be enough to tell you hefelt the same way without actually saying it out loud for the world to count itand stab him in the back later. He wanted to say it several times, but neverquite got to it. Like when you two finished watching a God awful movie at thetheater, but you sat through it with him until the credits ended. When you wereboth awake at 3am just lying in bed with each other, listening to one anotherbreathe and feel one another’s touch. When you’d fall asleep in the back of histruck while he whittled. Every moment with you he remembered, not a second withyou felt like time was wasted. So the moment came unexpected to him. It wasn’ta dramatically romantic evening, it was just at the overhang. The days werelonger so the sun set later. Together you watched the sun sink into the bay andwatched the sky change. The air was crisp with a slight breeze and you hadnever looked so beautiful. The slight smile that rested on your face as youclosed your eyes, letting your head tip back to rest on Roberts truck. It wasan evening he had experienced before and smiled at before. The words just fellout of his mouth before he could really think of what he was saying. “I loveyou.” He said the words and expected the worst to immediately happen. Your eyeswere still shut in complete bliss and you reached for his hand, giving it alittle squeeze before returning the statement. He loved you. He really did.

Matt—

It wasan early morning. Usually after a concert night, the two of you would stay uplate and wake up even later. The special part of this morning was just the factthat you never went to bed. Theconcert ended around midnight and the two of you talked about it on the wayhome, getting ready for bed, and when snuggled in bed. Laying on top of eachother, sneaking lazy kisses to the cheek and jaw while the other person talked,running fingertips over each other’s arms and just listening. The two of youwould laughed and then quickly shush the other as to not wake Carmensita, onlyto continue laughing at how stupid you felt. It was like you were teenagers andit brought such joy to Matt. To feel so young and free again. To love music andto love another person again. How he loved watching you talk and laugh withhim, he loved holding you, spending time with you, he just loved you. It was when the early sun startedto rise that he realized just how much you meant to him and how grateful he wasto have you in his and Carmensita’s life. Someone he didn’t feel pressured oranxious to be around, because being with you was like Mat’s personal ‘me’ time.The confidence you brought him, and how you were so willing to do things andenjoy them. So when the gold light seeped through the curtains and filled theroom, he just let it out in a breathy sigh. “God I love you.” He said it withsuch ease it surprised him, but he quickly back peddled “I mean like— if that’scool with you.” You laughing was what made his shoulders relax. He looked downat where your head rested on his chest and watched as you moved to look up athim. You smiled and whisper back to him ‘I love you too’ before kissing him forthe millionth time that night. He calmed down a little bit and finally fellasleep for a couple hours before Carmensita woke up.

Joseph—

Hedidn’t mean to say it so soon, but he said it quickly in your relationship. Itwas something that just kind of slipped out, but he stood by it. You two hadbeen baking. Not for a church event, you just wanted to get better at bakingand Joseph wasn’t going to decline the compliment to his cooking when you askedfor help. The two of you settled on just making simple brownies. It was nothingmessy, it was nothing special, it wasn’t even a romcom moment. It was lookingacross the kitchen island and seeing you, that sent his heart racing. It was watchingyour focused face measure the ingredients. It was watching you dance to aSpotify 80s mix and knowing every song that played. It was seeing you smile at him. His life had been hectic with himand Mary getting divorced, dealing with the kids, and how much attention thechurch always needed. But you were always there regardless. You were there forhim when he thought no one would be. His thoughts brought him back to memoriesof you two; watching the first half of movies before falling asleep, loungingin the backyard with Jimmy Buffet playing softly in the background, justrelaxing. Actually relaxing. Actually being in his own little MapleBay Margaritaville. His “I love you” happened pretty soon in the relationship.But the kiss you gave him afterwards made that okay.

Hugo—

It was a long and tiring test week. Hugo feltbad for his students but damnit, he hated this part of the job and he was sorryfor himself. Grading was the worst especially when he could physically feel thehatred from his students radiating off them into his body. Ernest and him wouldnormally drive home together, but he fell behind on grading one day and wouldrather not bring it home where a certain child of his might do something. Whenhe called you, you immediately answered and offered to drive Ernest home. Whenyou came to pick Ernest up you stopped by to see him with coffee in hisfavorite “#1 Dad” mug Ernest made him in 2nd grade. You kissed histemple before leaving and heading home. It was all these little gestures youdid that just meant the world to him. You were the one who always helpedwhether it was physically or mentally. Eventually, the grading got done and hemade his way home, almost giddy to get into bed but not too giddy because hewas too drained for that emotional commitment. He came home to you making toastand complaining about Ernest’s math homework more than Ernest was. And his son laughed. You made him laugh. When the front door shut behindHugo, you turned towards his direction and greeted him with a smile and wave. Afteran hour had passed, Ernest was in bed and both you and Hugo made your way to thebedroom. You hadn’t moved in, but you often spent the night since your housegot lonely during the school year. He kept glancing over to you smiling at yourphone, probably texting Amanda. He watched the screen light up your face. Theface he could stare at all day. He fell in love with you all over again whenyou smiled like that. When you won trivia night you smiled like that. Or whenyou got to see penguins up close, he blocked most of that day from his memorybut not the smile. You made every situation so much better, like stuffing himin your shirt to ignore kids at wrestling match. He smiled. You were perfect tohim. The two of you laid in bed and Hugo’s eyes could barely stay open thesecond his head hit the pillow. He felt your arm wrap around him and withoutreally thinking about it, he sleepily said “g’night. I love you.” He felt yousmile where your head was rested on his shoulder. He smiled too.

Damien—

Hewanted it to be dramatic, a whole night dedicated to it. He wanted the first ‘Ilove you’ to be as important as a wedding proposal. He had a fancy dinnerplanned, he bought specific flowers for you, everything was going to be perfect. Until Mary called him, needingan extra hand at the animal shelter. He couldn’t say no to helping just becausehe wanted to confess his undying love you to. He apologized when youarrived at his house, explaining the situation and feeling utterly terrible. Heexpected you to be mad, or upset. He didn’t expect you to offer help andvolunteer at the shelter with him. Smiling, you two made your way to the animalshelter. It was watching you play with all the animals that made the hecticevening calm down. You had been slobbered on, stepped on, and you were coveredin cat and dog hair. But the giant smile on your face made him mirror theaction. You were so content and happy, and so was he. He had been since you twostarted dating. You were so kind and accepting. Always willing to help Damienwhen he needed it around the garden, in the kitchen, anywhere with anything.The time spent together made him content and happy. Whether it was an eveningout at the fanciest restaurant, or a movie night spent painting each other’snails and drinking wine. He was always happy, you always made him happy. Hedidn’t need to say it over a fancy dinner because that only added so muchemphasis to the phrase. He loved you. He loved you. He said it out loud during the car ride home. You returned itwith ease and a smile. He loved you. He loved that he could be himself around you.He loved that you brought that out in him.

Craig—

Itstarted as a joke. “Dude I freakin’ love you.” You two were laughing aboutcollege and all the stories you had together; reminiscing about everything andnothing. You were at your house, both of you laying on the couch on oppositeends. A particular drinking story was the subject, it ended with Craig tryingto sneak back into the dorm room through the window and face planting in theprocess when his foot slipped off the desk. You told the story with tears inyour eyes, holding your stomach from laughing so much. It was crazy to thinkabout how much time had passed since college. Craig and you fell out of a looponce you guys graduated. Busy schedules eat time and relationships. It nevereven dawned on him how much he had missed out on with you. When you moved intothe cul-du-sac and ran into each other, it was like no time had passed and yourfriendship was as great as it had been all those years ago. Except now you bothhad kids, you both had gray hair, he was divorced, and he missed out onlaughing this hard for years because he didn’t keep in touch with you. Helooked over at you still crying from your story, wiping the tears away. Hesmiled at you, and when you calmed down from your fit enough to notice, youcocked an eyebrow. “Why are you looking at me like that bro.” And it was yoursmile and slight chuckle after you said that, it was the way your hair was alittle disheveled, it was how you were so relaxed and how relaxed you made him.It was how you had supported him through every business venture, helped withthe girls and their softball, and how you stepped out of your comfort zone tospend time with him. It was great having his old friend back. “I love you. Imean it.” It was better having a boyfriend now.

Brian—

Youwere just fishing. It was an early morning, fog rolling over the lake. Brianlooked over at you every time you yawned and couldn’t help but smile a littlebit. To think you guys had such bad blood in the beginning that ended up beinga giant misunderstanding. Now the two of you were practically inseparable.Sure, there was still competition between you, but it wasn’t about who thebetter dad was, now it was just to make things that much more interesting. Thatcompetitive edge had simmered, the relationship was more about wanting to bewith each other all the time doing the most dad activities the cul-du-sac hadever seen. You were just fishing. Tiredly sitting in a boat and waiting forsomething to happen. “Maybe the fish aren’t up yet,” Brian joked. “Maybe I’mnot up yet,” you said while leaning closer to him. Your cheek flattened on hisshoulder while he chuckled. “You’re gonna tip the boat again,” he said whichcreated an animated conversation as to whose fault it really was that caused the boat to tip last time. It was obviouslyyou and everyone knew it but that’s beside the point. It was a lightconversation that had you both laughing by the end of it. He watched you laughand settle down before looking back at the lake with a smirk on your face andhe just said it. “I love you ya know.” You smooshed your cheek back into hisshoulder before returning the sentiment.

#dream daddy #dream daddy a dad dating simulator #robert small #damien bloodmarch #brian harding #craig cahn #mat sella #hugo vega #joseph christiansen #my writing #response

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