dr. freeman,,,,,

i’m trying out properly 3d modelling in blockbench and by that i mean i watched half a tutorial on how to make a truck and now i’m making a whole person and it’s going better than i thought it would? i think?

Tattoos & Bruises

Chapter 4

Notes: I am sorry this one has taken longer. Have been pretty sick and it has taken a bit of a toll.

Warnings: angst....

“I’m sorry, what do you mean that another cabin was not booked? I requested this weeks ago, I made the payment, and I was told all is in order. The principal will be arriving shortly, and I am now meant to tell her that there is no place for her to stay?!” Your heart was racing, your head hurting more than earlier. What were you to do now? This means she will be staying in your cabin. Might as well walked in a lion pit at this rate, feeling pretty sure that would be a safer place than having the already unhappy Larissa Weems in the same cabin as you.

“I am so sorry Miss, I am not sure what has happened, I will certainly refund you. The best we can arrange is that we can have another bed brought to your cabin.” The girl was sweet, nervous now by your shouting. You signed as you rubbed your eyes. This was just all too much. You miss the simpler days.

“No no, there is a couch in the cabin, I will have to take that. Please can you provide her with own key. You won’t be able to miss her. Principal Weems is her name, very tall woman. I shall apologise in advance, she is not going to be in a good mood as it is, so please spare yourself and do not tell her that she is sharing. Rather just smile and hand her the key.”

You take your keys, get back in your car and drive up to your now to be shared cabin. This is just fucking perfect, isn’t it? How are you meant to keep your distance from the woman when you are now stuck in the same place as her? Once at the cabin you unpack the car, get out extra blankets and pillows from the cupboard in the room and place them on the couch. You were about to go and change when the door flung open. Turning you are faced with a tall, confused and very angry looking woman staring back at you. Where is that lion pit when you need it?

Slamming the door with her foot, dropping her bags she stalks towards you. Backing you up against the wall. Her finger pointing inches from your face. Her anger pulsed through your veins, you could feel every emotion the woman was experiencing as she stood inches from you, fear squeezed your chest and panic took over your mind. Turning you head and shutting your eyes you hold your breath as you wait for the blow. You waited for the pain and the ringing in your ear. But it never came. Braving it you turn to lock eyes with the seething woman in front of you. “Are you purposely trying to upset me Coach Ives or are you just that incapable of following direct orders?!” Her voice was deeper than normal, the anger in her voice was startling. “I don’t care what the board thinks of you, if you continue down this road, I will gladly terminate your contract!” Stepping away before turning back to you, her hands on her hips. “What on god’s green earth are you even doing in the cabin?”

You pushed yourself off the wall, walked past her, collected her bags, and put them in the room at the end of the bed. “If you are done shouting, we can maybe go by our names, we are away from students and the school.” Your tone surprised you. Some how you managed to muster enough courage to hide the fear she had just created in you. A fear you promised yourself years ago that you would never let someone make you feel again. “Secondly, there was a mix up with the bookings, your options are the following: share with me, share with the students, or you will need to drive back. If you stay here, the room is yours and I will take the couch, if you pick the students, you can discuss it with them, if you are going back, well then there is no need to worry.”

Your jaw dropped slightly. At first you were concerned by the young woman’s reaction. You knew that you had come off too strongly, but it was if she was waiting for you to hit her. She seemed beyond scared. What had happened to this dark creature for her to have such a reaction? Was she hurt so badly in the past? You would need to find this out before anything else. Yet now she is standing in front of you, expressionless except for one raised brow with no emotions to be found in her eyes at all. Her voice low and cold. Her eyes never leaving your as she waits for an answer.

Clearing her throat, she nodded at you. “There is no need for you to be sleeping on a couch Co- Satine, I am sure we can figure something else out. Two weeks on a couch will do your back no good.” She came up next to you, your heart still racing, flinching as her hand rests on your shoulder. “Thank you for taking my bags.” She heads to the room and shuts the door behind her.

You finished unpacking the car and packing everything into the cupboards, you collected the wood from outside and packed them next to the fireplace for later. You went on a short walk to taken in the scenery and calm the rest of your nerves. You couldn’t believe her reaction, you knew that she would be upset, but not like that. Was she just like them then? Were your visions playing games? This is why you kept to yourself, why you never allowed anyone to own you in any way, shape, or form. You couldn’t go back to that place; you have worked so hard to get to where you are and get away from that life. You forced the dark thoughts and feelings out of your mind as you headed back.  Food and then the pool. That will help.

 Larrisa had not come out her room all day. You rolled your eyes. Mature for an older woman. You decided you would make dinner for the two of you and head out for a swim. Something simple for tonight you thought… maybe a butter chili pasta, with a glass of red wine. You washed up and prepped for dinner. You poured yourself a small glass of wine as you brought the water to a boil. You took out a second glass and filled it, you knocked on the bedroom door and placed the glass on the floor. “When you are done acting like a child, or whatever is going on, there is a glass of wine for you.” You head back to the kitchen to drop the pasta. In a second pan you heat up, chili and garlic and butter. Once your pasta is ready you strain it and toss it in the pan.

You have a few forks full and dish for your cabin mate. You set the bottle of wine at the table with a clean glass for her. You grab your sports bag and head for the front door. Glancing down you still see the wine from earlier.

“For Christ’s sake Larissa you are wasting good wine! I have put dinner on the table for you, I am going out for a swim. If you plan on starving yourself… fine, at least then just put it all away.” You slam the door and head around the back and down a slope to your pool. Just one of the reasons why you always picked this cabin when coming here.

You came out the room once you heard the door slam. You picked up the glass of wine at your door and downed it. Not very ladylike… you knew that. But your patience was being tested and you were not sure how long you would be able to control yourself. The dinner not only looked amazing but tasted even better. She is a good cook as well. You filled your glass and walked out back onto the balcony… and that’s when you saw her, it was like being back at the school. Only now, now she could see you watching her. You bent down, leaning on the railing as you watched her just below you, biting your lip as your eyes ran over her beautiful pale inked body. This girl was going to be trouble for you. You couldn’t help but wonder where the ink started and where it ended.

Chapter 5

Tag List:

@angelwolf96 , @pebbleswritessometimes , @weemssapphic

Christmas Carol autism rant

Honestly of all the stories and songs and such that get oversaturated during christmas, I unironically enjoy how many versions of A Christmas Carol there are. Not only because its a good story in general, but because unlike something like Rudolph, every single version has a uniqueness to them. The simplicity of the plot allows for so much messing around with the setting, the timeline, the mood, its all so malleable. And then there are the characters. Scrooge, Marley, and the ghosts specifically are all fairly simple archetypes, but because of their simplicity, each variant of the story can expand on said archetypes however they want, heck they can even completely zigzag the archetypes and put something completely different in the slot of one of the characters. Especially for the ghosts. Usually they’ll just go with the archetypes of angel, santa, death, but every single version gives the trio their own flavor. An angel can be a lot of things, like a girl, or a candle, or a dirty taxi driver, or the Eleventh Doctor. But Scrooge himself is probably the most interesting. Compared to the other characters in the story, he’s the one that changes the least between each adaptation on the surface. Grumpy old man, hates christmas, greedy, bad childhood, bad friends, bad breakup, the works. These guidelines are mostly unflinchingly rigid, but the exact brand of bitterness, and the details of the events, are left up to whoever’s writing. My favorite version by far though is unironically the Muppets version. Unlike most other adaptations, Scrooge doesn’t seem that hateful in that version. He still does the same greedy and evil crap as the other Scrooges, but he isn’t as angry as the rest are. You don’t get the impression that he hates anyone, and he seems more depressed than anything else. Even when he outright says that poor people should die, he just sounds done. Like he’s only saying it because he doesn’t care enough to filter what he says. And of all other Scrooge’s he’s the most willing to change. When he’s shown his past he immediately brightens up upon seeing simpler, more familiar times. When hes with the ghost of christmas present and sees the cratchets and his nephew, he makes the least wisecracks of any other Scrooge, and seems genuinely hurt by how lowly people think of him. And when yet to come arrives, he goes with him willingly, knowing that this is something he must face if he wants to be saved. Oh yeah, if you can’t tell, the muppets version is my favorite, the Marleys scene solidified Statler and Waldorf as my favorite muppets and is easily the highlight of the movie for me. But for some close contenders, George C Scott’s version is definitely the creepiest version Ive ever seen and it gives a lot more context about Scrooge’s life than most others. The Ghost of Christmas present is surprisingly intimidating, and dear GOD yet to come gives me chills. It’s strange how much mileage you can get out of a creaking gate sound effect. The Doctor Who version is also a personal favorite for being both weird and clever at the same time. Weird because its on an alien planet where sharks float in the air and can be used to drive chariots, but still SUPER clever for how it screws around with the story. I dont want to spoil too much, mostly because I want an excuse to not explain how bonkers the story is, but the way they mess with the “past present and future” theming is genius, because of course it was this is doctor who we’re talking about. And of course theres Spirited which is also extremely clever with how it messes with the story, but is also just really fun and charming to watch.

I’ve already written so much that I do not have the energy for a well written conclusion so uh, my point is that Christmas Carol adaptations are awesome despite the fact they probably shouldn’t be, and um…stay hydrated!

After many attempts like using boosters, LOA techniques self concept making own subs visualize being delusional with subliminals trying to affirm ive fast subliminal results frequencies and didn't happened, discussing many LOA gurus, i'm sick waiting/detaching many months to get results, i already done with old subliminals and it was disappointed and failures, simple i couldn't change even lips shape or get lighter eyes which they're the most simple physical changes, i don't know if my faith on subliminals is more useless or do i need to research more about subliminals or subconscious mind power, i'm sick of people getting successful with subliminal results except on me, i can't understand that, sorry my bad english

I’ve been doing everything to manifest, and nothing works.

Today, I will explain how you shape your future by remembering it. Initially, I intended to write a lengthy post about the concept that we are all manifestations of God, possessing divine power and imagination. However, I paused and reflected on a simpler and more concise way to convey this message. I wanted to take a moment to remind you of something incredibly important: please be kind to yourself. Stop holding yourself to “high standards” when it comes to manifesting. here's the truth: you are human, and humans make mistakes. Here's what I came up with:

First and foremost, it's crucial to grasp the life-altering realization that each and every one of us is God. This understanding has transformed my life, shifting me from a state of anxiety and indifference towards life to one of awe and confidence.

(1) As Neville Goddard suggests, our imagination is our divine power as God. It is the realm where we are boundless and limitless, able to manifest whatever we desire. In essence, it is the closest we can come to experiencing godliness.

(2) Here's Neville's essential message: anyone, including you and me, has the ability to create their future. The act of creation is already complete; we merely choose the script for the movie of our lives.

Now, what I'm about to share may initially seem peculiar, but I encourage you to adopt the same approach as I have. Simply assume that you will receive the answers you seek, and you will indeed receive them. We are all God, and God has already created every conceivable life that has existed, exists, and will exist. From our human perspective, we perceive life as a sequence of events bound by time, and the future as an unrealized possibility. However, if we could adopt God's perspective, we would witness our entire existence, encompassing past, present, and future, in a single instant of the eternal NOW. Consequently, recognize that you possess the divine power of God through your imagination. How can you harness this power to manifest your desires? By remembering the future.

If you have spent time on platforms like Tumblr or delved into Neville's teachings, you may have encountered stories of individuals who live in the end, hold onto a specific event, or engage in SATs (State Akin To Sleep) focusing on a single scene. Astonishingly, these individuals then witness their imagined scenarios materialize in their 3D reality. Even the words spoken by others align with their envisioned script. This phenomenon occurs because you are recollecting, through your divine power of imagination, an event that has already transpired in the future. When I speak of "remembering," it is because this event has already taken place, albeit in the future. Although you have yet to experience it, you are remembering it because it has already occurred.

Initially, this may appear peculiar, but it accurately reflects the nature of reality. Consequently, Neville and numerous others, myself included, advise against fixating on the "how" and "when" of your manifestations. By focusing on the desired outcome, you are remembering the ending, akin to recalling the conclusion of a movie. Although aware that numerous events and drama unfolded, you remain steadfastly connected to the ending. (When recalling memories from the past, we typically remember the significant events rather than the entire narrative.)

This emphasis on living in the end and assuming the reality of your desires as an already existing memory is crucial. It aligns you with the future you wish to experience. Consider the excitement and belief associated with remembering a thrilling childhood memory, such as your first vacation. You fully immerse yourself in that memory, wholeheartedly believing it to be true because you know it happened. The same principle applies to SATs and living in the end: you are recollecting your future life, an event that has already transpired.

Therefore, if you comprehend that your power as God enables you to remember your "future life" and manifest your desires, it is because you are recollect! Everything is you.

I read ur tags about the new ST masks and honestly, I agree, it's very different (very Slipknot and gore-ish) and right now, the discography and overall vibe doesn't match(like a handful of songs have a true metal quality to it) and unless they're gonna start releasing new stuff the vibes kind of...clash? And so far Vessel is the same, so I'm wondering if the others just wanted to stand out more and were given creative freedom or if everything is going to shift at some point :/ I also think its a bit been there done that (but the simpler black and gold mask I like) the others remind me of the Joker or a Shrunken Head

Thank you for the ask anon! To be honest, I saw 'I read it tags about the new ST mask...' and I panicked thinking I was about to get left-right-goodnighted in an ask, but I'm glad it wasn't so, lol.

Further, I'm glad someone agrees with me. I said what I said in my tags on twt and within the hour I had 20+ people in my replies quote tweeting me saying how I 'wasn't a proper fan for not liking the change', how I 'should leave and stop listening if I was going to be negative', and (my personal favourite because it was so absurd) 'you're so one of the people that found them through TikTok. Good to have a cleanse of the fandom if you were only here because you have a mask kink'.

Even had someone tell me to off myself! Which was, y'know, lovely. I don't have any screenshots because I was just sat there trying to figure out how to reply to them, then saw the one that told me to off myself and just had a little overwhelmed cry and deleted the tweet, in which I then got tagged in a now deleted tweet calling me a pussy. You are so loved my ass.

I deleted it because it made me feel really shit about myself (for obvious reasons), but it made me feel more shit when I woke up the next day seeing people say the same things I did (like hoping it was only a Wembly thing, but considering the amount of detail and effort that's been put into those outfits and masks, I think not), and getting nothing but acceptance and neutrality in the replies. I'm not particularly popular on twt since people are fond of copy and pasting my post about Euclid, not giving credits, blocking me when I ask them to, and when their mutuals see that I'm blocked by them they just have at me for no reason, but I think it says a lot about a fandom if they can go from getting everyone to hold up a three for iii at the concerts out of pure adoration to telling someone to off themselves because they don't like the new designs. (sorry for the rant about twt anon)

I'll repeat what I said in my tags; they feel very out of place to me. Again, maybe it's just the fact I'm used to the balaclavas since I've been around here for a while, so all I've really known is Vessel's custom mask and the collective of balaclavas, but they just don't match. They stick out more than Vessel does, both design and colour pallet wise. Vessel is in full black with white accents and a white, red and gold mask, the Esperas are in full black with white accents and a red mask. And then the guys are there, y'know? Don't get me wrong, the amount of detail and effort that's been put into the designs are amazing, and they definitely have to have given each member creative freedom because each mask and design matches the lad's vibe immaculately (especially iii's), but it doesn't match Sleep Token's vibe as a collective. I like IV's design best because his matches his stage presence and ST's vibe (as you said, the simpler gold and black mask), as well as ii's (minus the hair).

I think maybe the hair on ii's and iii's masks in general are throwing me off lol.

Furthermore, Sleep Token's only full on trad metal songs are Gods from Sundowning and Vore from TMBTE, so I got really surprised when I was basically looking at Slipknot masks curated for Sleep Token. ST are known to genre bend constantly, so maybe we will get new stuff. But, considering they've had the same vibe in their music since 2016, I'd be a bit surprised if their new single/new album was just all trad metal, or at least has a lot of aspects of it, but who knows! Maybe change for them is inevitable.

I think it's well known on this blog that the passing of time and change in literally anything is my mortal enemy so seeing this kind of randomly happen gave me whiplash. I don't think I can love the new designs as much as I loved the old balaclavas, but that doesn't mean I don't like Sleep Token anymore, y'know? All I can really do is apologise for having a non super positive opinion and hope people don't hound me on here for it (which, so far, they haven't, and I appreciate you very much for being really chill about this anon). Give me a week and I'll probably be on the boat of liking them and making analysis posts on all the little details, lol

2 Years With Panda-Writes-Kpop

2 years. Holy shit.

The last two years have been chaotic and adventurous, entertaining and draining, and fun and emotional, but I wouldn't take back any of it. ❤️ I've had so much fun maintaining, managing, commenting, and being this online persona that you've all come to see, interact with, and enjoy. I mean, 1,300+ followers is absolutely nuts to me - I just enjoyed writing for the sake of writing and self-improvement. To see engagement on this level has been mind-blowing and phenomenal, and I'm so thankful. You've all helped lead me to new friendships and new experiences, and I couldn't be happier and more thankful to all of you.

So, here comes some good news - I won't be fully ending this blog. There just won't be regular posts or longer fics with complex storylines. I've come to the realization, over my 2 month hiatus from writing, that I enjoy writing for K-pop idols in smaller amounts, like with drabbles or reaction-style content with the idols that I currently write for. In simpler terms, after December 1st, I'll be taking a one-month hiatus before posting content that is similar to the slushie prompts and other reactions that I've done in the past.

There's a lot of work that I want to get done to help transition into the phase, and I think you'll find these changes helpful and necessary.

And the easiest, introduce you to @kit-kat-katie 😌 This is my writing blog for other fandoms like the Hunger Games and Obey Me. This blog will also hold any longer-style fics or fics that feature a different writing style than what you might be used to here. (I'm putting up a Ryujin fic in a week or so.... so you should go follow if you wanna see that. 🤭)

Separate and re-vamp my rules for writing and my navigation page. It's an absolute train wreck right now, and the end goal is to make it user-friendly to me and to you.

Revamp the masterlist - again, mostly because I think I'm about to hit the link limit on mobile for the Dreamcatcher page, but it also needs some fixing up, plus I want to add some more groups to the main masterlist.

Add more groups and soloists to the masterlist - this is just me needing to sort through variety content for these groups, but if you're curious, here are the groups. (Aespa, New Jeans, IVE, Somi, Eunbi, and more to come, probably.)

Re-open requests. This should be the last and final thing I need to do for this blog. I'm going send out a post when I do, and I'll be encouraging requests to help me finish the slushie prompts since that'll be my goal for 2024. 🥰

Revamp @archive-of-queens - This blog was supposed to be about archiving this blog, but since I'm no longer doing that, it'll serve as a graveyard to all the ideas that never came to life. I just need to fix the intro post, and then I can start to release the content that's been sitting there for a while.

I also need to overhaul the WIP page, but that'll happen in that one-month hiatus.

I'm so excited to start a new era - an era that will be less stressful on me but still provide quality content for you all. I will not be missing the schedule of the WIP that I currently have 🫣 so I'm hoping that having more freedom with less time constraints can help the creativity flow more. ❤️ Thank you for being along for the ride, and I'm so happy that you all will hopefully choose to stay with me for what's to come.

Thank you for a great two years, and here's to next year. 💗

sooooo ive spent the past few days working on making a cross stitch for blue stargazer lilies. kinda hard when blue stargazers are like, not a real thing, and ive never done art stuff like this before. im not totally done with the pattern(s) but idk i need feedback. i found this cool pattern by Galina Skabeeva for Riolis. problem is 1. its not sold in the us, if at all anymore 2. its NOT BLUE. so i just edited it to be simpler and BLUE. i also accidentally edited out a leaf lmao. i should draw it back in

i kinda like the first one better but the second one looks more like the photo in the florist’s book that mickey looks at. how we feeling??

10 songs i've been to vibing to

I got tagged by @codenamesazanka so again, you guys are gonna get to see more of my lack of taste in music. Going by songs Ive vibed by the most recently. This was tricky, because I go through on and off periods of listening to music to just not listening to music at all. 1. Enjoy The Silence - Depeche Mode - I mentioned awhile back, finding a song that someone matched to the character? Someone matched this to RD and when I first listened - I wasn’t sure why. But then, duh, of course someone who’s under tension and stressed constantly would want some peace and quiet. Be exposed to and enjoy the simpler things. So I apologize to the person who assigned this song to him -you understood the assignment when I did not. Anyway good song too. 2. Eat Your Young - Hozier - I wasn’t sold on this song the first time I heard it, but then it stuck around in the folds of my brain and then I went back and listened to it again and it slaps. 3. Starsourge Radahn / Malenia, Blade of Miquella - Elden Ring OST

- Combining these two cus same OST. Elden Ring didn’t hit as hard as some of the past FromSoftware game ost, but the ones that do hit, hit really good. Both of these songs are just for letting my brain-scape wander to really climactic scenes and moments of emotional awe to possibly draw later. The second half of Radahn’s ost does things to me where it sounds like a funeral march, holy shit. ( This also just applies to any FromSoft game ost I enjoy ) 4. Helplessly Hoping - Crosby, Stills and Nash

- Annihilation, a movie I love reminded me this song existed and its just a really wonderful melancholy song.

5. Into Dust Mash-up - Beck + Mazzy Star

- An excellent mash up of the two songs Loser and Into Dust that I was very happy to be able to find again. 6. If I Had A Heart - Fever Ray

- Just a good angst song.

7. Undertale Orchestra Ost - Undertale 5th anniversary concert

- Sometimes when I just want to vibe and draw I’ll put on the whole Undertale Orchestra concert. Its got it all so I just listen. 8. The Toxic Avenger - My Only Chance - Furi Ost

- From my mixed playlist labeled ‘Throw Down Tracks’, it just keeps coming

9. When I was Done Dying - Dan Deacon - Great music video, great song 10. Once in a Lifetime - The Talking Heads

- Yeah, I went over it a few times, and this one belongs at number 10. Every time it comes on its turn on the playlist it feels good. I tag whoever would like to participate. 💛

art summaries for this year >w<

template by @/Taxkha

(I / II / III is a comm i haven't posted anywhere / IV / V / VI / VII/ VIII / IX / X / XI / XII)

template by @/sabattons

more stuff under the read more, because there's quite a few stuff i actually liked this year!

january

this was a comm for kiz, but i think it came out pretty bomb. any hypsters who are into projmoon/projmoon fans into hypmic pspspsps --

actually i think this was my first ever piece this year, so it's interesting to see how much i've improved in over the past couple of months!

also i did some comms between feb and may to help raise some money for my relatives in the philippines, but i don't think i should post the ones i really like since the project isn't complete yet. but i think they came out bomb too, trust me -- (the volo art in my art summary is one of these comms lol)

april

i just wanted to post these two together since they're a set LOL thank u arb for giving me flowers that aren't roses to associate with hifugen....

also here are the unblurred versions of this set lol

may

this is just one of my fave hifugen headcanons KJFSDJKJKF

gentaro about hifumi: 🙄😒😑 gentaro about hifumi, when hifumi's fangirls are around: *draping himself over hifumi* excuse me ladies, do you have any business with My man?

KJFSJKDFSJKJH

august

i think i went rly hard in august. august was really a turning point for me this year too i think, so maybe my art reflected that haha, but anyhow. i really love these

everyone and their mom has done a religious jakurai art, but i wanted to do one too... the detail i rly like is the blood on his hands. because i like to headcanon that jakurai has vitiligo on his hands. i like how i incorporated that hc in this without making it too busy lol

THIS ONE. HELL YEAH. this is a redraw of an older art i made for thanatos' anniversary, and i thought the first one was cool but i was like "i think i have the skills to make this even better now" and I DID!!! idk, i'm glad i could capture the horror vibes more poignantly

september

this one is?? i don't think i made her a full reference sheet, i realized lol but i started streaming for friends because i have a bunch of game recs and no attention span to play them WKJGJKD so i decided streaming them so i could be held accountable for them would be the best way to do it LMFAO

anyways this is my pngtuber. they have no name, but she's a shopkeeper of a mysterious antique store. originally that doll on the bookshelf was gonna my pngtuber and i came up with a bunch of lore for her, but then i realized i had another oc design i really dig and was also simpler, so i revamped that for streaming FJKSDJKF but i would like to put that doll to use somehow or another. anyways if u can pinpoint all the references on the shopkeeper and their bookshelf and even her store's very existence, i love u --

catch me on twitch on sundays and mondays for mhyk and ace attorney respectively --

october

as much as possible, i try to do a vanistar anniversary art because noël is my baby boy... i'm so happy with how this year's came out!! ofc there's areas that could use work, but i like the colors and lighting c:

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO AN IBERIA AU FOR JAKUDO FOR SO LONG... probably as long as the koibito AU for hifugen, but i just haven't been able to put it into words... i'm glad i could at least do a bit of this year, and i hope one day i can manage the whole concept!! also this idea's been in my head for so long that arb managed to reveal demon designs for both jakurai and doppo, sparing me the effort of designing them myself FSJKJKKJH

this one is also a set, so i wanted to post them together hehe again this is based off a horror rpg concept me and gianna came up together back in high school that will probably never see the light of day lol this probably doesn't surprise anyone who knows us, but these characters are based on us FKJSKJH

wah... i think my artist wrapped really covers what i have to say! quantity-wise, i'm not too happy with how much i made... it can't really be helped considering how busy and tiresome it's been this year, and i really wish i could say i can do more next year, but it's likely i'll be posting less and less in the future TwT but as much as possible, i'd still like to share my work! i think this might be my time to start focusing on original stuff, but i still wanna do fandom related stuff because there's still a lot of ideas and concepts i wanna see realized!! also i just love my fandom blorbos a lot lol, so i'll find ways to do things for them >w<

quality-wise though, i think i'm pretty pleased! last year i got csp, so i was still figuring it out, but now i think i got a better hang of it! and that means my art looks more confident i think haha. of course, there's still a lot of room for improvement, but it's nice that i can look at my stuff and go "yeah i like this!" i'm excited to see where my artistic journey goes from here!!

but yeah, maybe it wasn't a plentiful year for me re: art, but i made some pretty nice stuff despite that! thank you all for the support, and here's to next year!!

Sometimes i think back to late 2018 to very early 2019 when most of my Tumblr friends were still active. Now a lot of them either deactivated or just straight up abandoned their account. It feels like a ghost town kinda. Not to mention one of the friends i was closest with straight up vanished mid 2018 and they haven't been active on any of their accounts since. I had another disappear right around the end of 2017. I still wonder about them till this day since they just up and vanished without a word to anybody. Sometimes the intrusive thought get to me, nagging at me telling me i was too annoying and i finally scared them away. Other times i wonder if they just lost the passwords to all of their accounts.

I just started back talking to one of the around 10 to 12 friends i had. At least 7 of those friends have since deactivated. It kinda sucks but hey its life. But ive learned that sometimes you outgrow friends, and they outgrow you. Of course, you're gonna miss them but its a part of life i suppose.

But eventually you move on. Find new friends. Possibly new relationships. You reminisce about the times with the old friends you had back when things were simpler. You grow into new people, you get new interests and your personality grows with you. Sometimes is comforting knowing you left those friends in the past. Sometimes you're left wondering would we still be friends today? Would you still agree on things you did in the past? How much have they changed? Would they like the new you? Would they even be interested in the same fandoms anymore?

I dont remember where i was going with this. Im so very grateful for the people i have now. I dont know what i would do without them. I have an amazing girlfriend, and an awesome best friend.

Although my friend group dwindled from around 20 to barely 8, im still so grateful i have them. And honestly? I dont care that i dont have that many friends anymore. Sure i talk to the old friends i had from time to time, but ive realized that im happiest with under 10 friends. Im not a people person like i was a few years ago, and i certainly dont have the confidence meeting new people like i did a few years ago. I made friends with my favorite camp camp artist because i realized they followed me back. We've now known each other for around 2 or 3 years.

I wish i had that confidence now. I wish i had the guts to just message new people and make friends with them. I wish my self esteem didn't make me believe im an annoying and selfish person. I wish i was a normal person with normal experiences like going out, making friends, getting a job. I wish i could properly come out to my parents about me being a demigirl but hey i guess im too much of a coward and afraid of rejection and being disowned to do so.

I feel so bad for the people that see this. I started with thinking about my old friends and now ive turned it into a vent. Well done me. But sometimes you gotta let it out. No matter who sees.

This might be my longest post on here. Sorry for turning into a late night/early morning brainless vent.

Cardiac Transplantation in the Adult Congenital Heart Disease Population

The adult congenital heart disease population continues to grow thanks to the success of their management in the paediatric age. This manuscript will briefly review the special characteristic of this patient population when they progress into end stage disease and require treatment in the form of heart transplantation.

Heart transplantation has become an effective therapy for patients with end stage heart failure. The success rate has now been translated to a median survival of close to eleven years. Considering patients with end stage heart failure have a mortality that is close to 100 per cent at one year, this is a fabulous achievement from science and medicine. It must also be noted that heart transplantation has had reasonable stable volumes for many years with less procedures than needed. It has only had a steady slight increase from 1993 to 2004 reaching an all-time high in 2015 with just over five thousand operations done worldwide. Not only does the heart failure population continue to grow overall, making heart transplant an even more precious resource, but there is also a patient population that has increased at an even higher proportion. This population is that of the patients with adult congenital heart disease who currently only represent approximately 3 per cent of the heart transplant operations done. Nevertheless, while that 3 per cent seems small, it represents a 40 per cent increase compared to the previous decade. This population is therefore likely to need wider representation in the near future.

Congenital heart disease is the most common cause of birth defects. The fact that this patient population is increasing is testament to the success of the surgical and medical management of the paediatric population. In the not too distant past, the more complex patients within this group of disorders used to end their lives in childhood. Thanks to breakthrough science, technology and medical improvements, the expected survival of these patients has improved dramatically. This has led to formal adult congenital heart disease programs that now care for these patients as they grow older.

As these patients grow older, they continue to require intense care. While it is true that the simpler and more common lesions such as an atrial septal defect rarely progress to end stage heart failure, the more complex cases such as those with tetralogy of Fallot, systemic right ventricle or the myriad of conditions that end up in single ventricle physiology do tend to continue to decline. Very notably, the main causes of death of the complex congenital heart disease population are by far due to cardiac reasons. Furthermore, within those potential cardiac causes of death which can include sudden cardiac death, ischemic heart disease or peri-procedural complications, the main cause is not the aforementioned but, indeed, end stage heart failure. If one keeps in mind that continued decline and refractory class IV symptoms are an indication for advanced therapies, such as cardiac transplantation, one can only expect that the number of patients with adult congenital heart disease that need a transplant will continue to increase. It must also be pointed out that this patient population is often ineligible to receive other forms of advanced therapies such as durable ventricular assist devices also known as mechanical circulatory support due to their specific anatomy and physiology. The latter comment means that, often heart transplantation is the only option despite the fact that some progress has been made with mechanical support and experience is being accumulated but so far the published data shows that there have been less than 200 durable mechanical devices in patients with congenital heart disease.

One of the most important reasons that the population in question merits its own chapter within the advanced heart failure subspecialty is that these patients carry more and very specific challenges. Some of these challenges are due to the fact that these patients have a higher incidence of entities such as chronic cyanosis (low oxygen levels in blood), multiple previous operations which means the tissue is harder to access and there is higher risk of bleeding; higher likelihood of kidney or liver impairment, higher incidence of pulmonary hypertension and the possibility of being sensitised immunologically. All these factors, alone or in combination mean that this kind of transplants are, in essence, higher risk transplants. Consequently, the mortality at thirty days and one year is significantly higher. Very notably, possibly due to the fact that this patient population tends to be younger than the overall cohort of adult heart transplants and that many of the challenges can slowly be overcome in the long-term after transplant, the mortality trend tends to be very similar at five years and, in fact, a higher proportion of patients with a history of congenital heart disease are alive compared to the rest of heart transplants. In other words, there is a higher up front risk but the long-term outcomes are better.

One subset of patients that warrants special attention is that of some of the most complex ones. These are the patients with single ventricle physiology or also commonly known as those who have had a Fontan procedure. What this means is that there is passive flow from the venous return into the pulmonary circulation without a ‘pump’ or right/subpulmonic ventricle. Blood passively flows through the pulmonary bed and returns to the single ventricle in order to be actively circulated systemically. While this is a life saving procedure, without which these patients would almost certainly die early in childhood, it has a large number of potential long-term complications, some of which add to the challenges seen at the time of requiring a heart transplant as the only choice to prolong life. Not only are there exclusive entities associated to the Fontan procedure which are protein losing enteropathy and Fontan-associated liver disease; but there is also an even higher incidence of arrhythmias, pulmonary hypertension, coagulopathy, congestion and allosensitisation. In addition, these patients have a tendency to develop collateral blood flow that is understood as a mechanism to compensate for the lack of a ‘right sided pump’. The problem with these collateral vessels is that they can represent a higher, and sometimes prohibitively risk of bleeding for thoracic surgery. Another point that is important to underline is that the chronic congestion can lead to liver failure requiring also a liver transplant in order to survive. Evidently, this further increases complexity. It has nevertheless been demonstrated that with adequate patient selection and management by a multidisciplinary team in a high volume centre, it is possible to have a successful dual heart and liver transplant programme for the failing Fontan patient.

It is not all bad news and challenging scenarios for the adult congenital heart disease population. In addition to the better long-term outcomes detailed above, some of the most complex patients that require a liver transplant can count with an immunologic advantage from the donated liver. In other words, in those patients whose immune system is sensitised against potential foreign tissue, the liver provides protection. These patients have lower incidence of rejection and when done carefully, can even afford some degree of incompatibility between the recipient and the donor. This effect is so prominent that the use of liver tissue has even been suggested as a strategy to successfully transplant sensitised patients.

In conclusion, heart transplantation is a formidable therapy for the adequate patient with all different sorts of end stage heart disease. One of this sort of diseases is that of the adult with congenital heart disease which is a patient population that continues to grow thanks to the paediatric successes. This is a special group of patients due to particular challenges that make their transplants higher risk. This risk is translated as higher short term mortality but overall better long-term outcomes. Further scientific and medical advancement is needed to further serve this growing population.

Read More: https://www.europeanhhm.com/medical-sciences/cardiac-transplantation-in-the-adult-congenital-heart-disease-population

hi! im kat, im always looking for rps! (last edited 10/17/23)

i only rp with 15+! i write 1-3 paragraphs in third person past tense. i rarely do cc x oc but im more than willing to try it out. i lean towards mxf and mxm but im not opposed to writing fxf either! i usually will reply once a day, though there will be periods where im available for rapid-fire responses. timezone is US PDT!

on this blog ill be posting searches for rps and posting about my ocs.

fandoms/characters/pairings below 👇🏻

fandoms/canon pairings

overwatch (this is my main interest right now!)

i dont know a whole lot about the lore im gonna be honest. i typically know it on a character-by-character basis, i know the cliffnotes backstories and events of characters' lives who are in the game, but background characters, general story lore and themes, etc are lost on me. i dont really have much motivation on my own to look into it (especially from the horror stories ive heard about some of the short stories and comics) but feel free to give me motivation, or ramble to me, or anything really! id be happy to learn, i just have no real interest in it at the moment. angst is a big fav of mine for overwatch, but im okay with simpler slice of life or fluffy rps too!

id love to do romantic and platonic rps with these characters, i love seeing how characters would interact in general on top of romance!

im looking to write for (italics are who i have a preference for atm, but im happy to be any of these!): hanzo shimada, niran pruksamee, cole cassidy, mei-ling zhou, hana song, jamison fawkes, maximilien, and tekhartha zenyatta!

some pairings i have special soft spots for (pink is romantic, blue is platonic, and purple is either/both) are: baptiste and hanzo, hanzo and genji, niran and baptiste, cassidy and fareeha, cassidy and ashe, jamison and mei, jamison and lucio, zenyatta and genji, zenyatta and ramattra, maximilien and ramattra, sombra and maximilien, hana and brigitte, hanzo and mei, hanzo and cassidy, satya and niran, akande and hanzo, and cassidy and sombra! im open to trying pretty much any ship or pairing though. send me your favs, rarepairs, etc, id love to see about giving them a shot :)

one punch man

my knowledge of one punch man extends to the manga and thats about it! please have knowledge of the manga, and please no webcomic spoilers! >w>

im looking to write for (italics are who i have a preference for atm, but im happy to be any of these!): amai mask, okamaitachi, king, and metal bat/badd!

some pairings i have special soft spots for (pink is romantic, blue is platonic, and purple is either/both) are: zombieman and amai mask, okamaitachi and iaian, king and saitama, and badd and garou!

ocs

the elder scrolls

ill make a separate post for my tes ocs (linked here! yet to be added).

most of my knowledge extends to skyrim, i really wanna get around to playing the older games at some point i promise but i just havent yet. i do know the cliffnotes of the previous games, though, and ive done my best to look into the lore of the games.

in terms of canon and fan-made characters, id like to be: cicero, taliesin (modded follower), karliah, nazir, and veezara! im totally a-okay with oc x canon for tes, gimme all ur fav ocs! i dont require doubling but it could be fun :3c

frankie / they/he / link (na)

frankie is a "fallen" angel who briefly fell too in love with humanity, and was stripped of holy status. they now are forced to work as heavens surveillance of earth, reporting back to heaven on what the humans are up to. he is now generally apathetic towards humanity, often lying to heaven to get out of doing their job. he spends most of his time alone, indulging some of the human desires they have developed in a large city.

andrew / he/him / link (na)

andrew is one of the citys christian churchs pastors, born and raised nothing but a faithful christian. raised to believe in fundamentalism and to never doubt such beliefs, his faith has stayed strong for nearly 50 years now. though, the more he puts himself into his religious studies for the sake of his church, the more he finds himself doubting the literal understanding of the bible. he even finds himself failing to understand some of the morals. along with constant pressure to settle and get a wife that he really would never care for, hes beginning to feel ostracized and othered from the community hes helped foster. will he force himself to push his doubts aside and mold himself to fit in, or will he indulge in these unholy thoughts?

i meant to post this 2 days ago and forgor

a funky little gif i animated in procreate of my sona swapping artstyles. ive done something similar to this in the past but a lot simpler, i wanted to go a little crazier with this one

Xathilia is an extraterrestrial antagonist, she is a self-destructive, selfish character who was betrayed by her mother at a young age at a sword ceremony she dedicated her entire life to. Xathilia and her sister were once very close but after Lovea received the sword instead of Xathilia, Xathilia grew a strong jealousy towards her sister. Xathilia disappears for 2000 Ilerian years in a jealous rage. She lands in Infernia where she meets Blaze, a girl who was just as vengeful as Xathilia. They make a grand entry back into Ileria's atmosphere, with the goal to steal the sword and destroy the kingdom. Little does Xathilia know, Blaze is not who she says she is.

I am extremely happy with how my final poster design came out... and I am even more happy with the development of my character, Xathilia.

I found the poster process quite challenging when it came to creating my foreground and background. This is because I wasn't too sure on how to create a snowy landscape without loosing my characters light hair in the snow. It was a really fun challenge and I enjoyed every minute of making my idea actually become a thing! When designing this poster I stuck to the process we learnt in class in week one when drawing our chicken characters. I choose to stick with this process as I found it extremely simple to follow along with and found that I could get more done quicker if I followed it. Doing so really made designing of my poster a whole lot simpler.

I have learnt so much in this course, I have become more confident with drawing humanoid forms - especially hands. Despite having plenty of experience when it came to drawing hands, It was still something that I wanted to improve on... and what better way to do this than to have a four armed humanoid as the subject of my poster!

I do believe I met my goals of drawing faces with more symmetry and accuracy... and giving my character four eyes with her head at a tilt really challenged my capabilities but I am super proud of how her face turned out!

I will definitely continue to use this design process for future drawings I create! It is so simple yet so effective and really helps me get all my ideas out visually onto the canvas. I also really enjoyed using the Wacom tablet... I have gotten super comfortable with using it and I feel as if I may need to invest in one myself so I can use it outside of my studies and continue to create and practice!

Overall, I have learnt a lot! Ive learnt how important highlight and shadows are, Ive learnt that creating a value study of your image before colouring it really helps with contrast! Ive learnt how to sketch more effectively... and the biggest of them all, my drawing has improved a lot! I am starting to find a style that I think works really well for me. I was never a big fan of cartoony drawings and always drew realistically in the past, but now I absolutely love the cartoon genre and will continue to practice it beyond my studies!

SP/so vs SO/sx

Not sure how much this can be generalized since it's only my personal experience. When I was a pre-teen my best friend used to be a so/sx 6w7, while I am 9w1 sp/so. Sp dom vs Sp blind... some stuff went down and it’s fascinating to analyze such differences to me (I feel like I'm fascinated by sp blinds in general wtf).

She was the V immature of the pair, throwing herself in any possible weird experience she could have just for the sake of it. She would always cause so much drama it was legit concerning and I always was on the sidelines, not participating and sometimes suggesting her to stop, but did she listen to me? Never, and also, in some ways, I think I did in fact understand her desire to feel alive and feel stuff and do dumb stuff, possibly in that I am sx-blind and I won't fucking allow myself to do that, while she totally did. I guess, I don't usually pay any mind to my sx-blindness but the only time that it kind of felt like I was missing on something was when I would spend time with her? And also now that I'm actually studying the instictual variants I guess I'm starting to realize it (but also not really there's a shit ton of work to do). She would always act as if she was the protagonist of some weird 19th romantic novel but, make it dumber (we were 11-12 after all, how smart could we be?).

I deeply, deeply understand her need and wish to be like a novel protagonist. I do think of myself in that way quite often. But while she did it by acting and getting actively involved in stuff, I’ve always done the same by hyper-interpreting my simpler, more boring experiences (9 basic bitch here, feeling attached to something while being withdrawn and out of touch with your body results in amazing fantasy sky castles). She was never satisfied by this.

If she wanted intensity, she would create it by idk, doing some dumb stuff she would for sure later regret. While she went on to feel so alive, I would stay in the back overthinking my more boring life. An example would be that while she actually acted so that everyone around us hated her and shunned her, I would simply feel and think I was being shunned as well, but in practice I would never do something that would elicit a strong reaction out of others. I basically fantasized about it. As you can tell her being a Social Dominant I guess she got the sx juice she wanted through social stuff (her reputation, going against the social system (social 6s often do that)).

In so many ways, if I were to simplify it, she was a mixture of Dorian Gray and Heathcliff and I was Des Esseintes. She was an edgier version of Dorian Gray, wanting to experience everything but make it dark and painful and tormented (a là Heathcliff), not once holding herself back. Des Esseintes, on the other hand, would also feel like a misfit and a tormented soul but he did so by staying inside his house and hyper-interpreting his experiences to an insane degree, until he basically starts to hallucinate. He barely goes outside of his home and when he does everything seems weird, scary, magical in its own way, and while a bit creepy that’s also part of being sx-blind I think? You secretly want that way of feeling alive via the dark things in life (not sure if my fixes have a part in this as idk other 9s may not relate to this maybe) but also you want to go about it safely (sp) and by not exposing yourself (9), so it becomes like wearing a pair of glasses that adds a layer of poetry and beauty and suffering to an otherwise normal, boring and inane reality (again, 9 fantasy shit). But that’s about it. It’s a magical pair of glasses that at times I feel like I can remove and put on at will when I’m bored and I feel like I want more out of life. Outsourcing sx if you will w/o ever acting on this shit. I relate to Des Esseintes even though he was possibly a sp 4 but whatever I guess...

My old friend, being sp-blind, of course did not feel the same need for “safety” and had nothing to hold her back, really... the 6w7 sp blind brings a lot of energy and a way to never be able to fucking stand still, so yeah... it was so fascinating to see her act that differently from me, but also empathizing with her desire to get MORE out of life and dive into the darker aspects of it. I guess that’s why I sticked with her even when I thought she was being unreasonable and annoyingly melodramatic. Most people would shun her and don’t get her ways and while I can’t say that I got her, I would at least sympathise with her wish to experience more and be dramatic, even if I couldn’t quite elaborate it at the time and I superficially thought she was being too immature (this is so funny, we were fucking 10 and we were already doing instictual stuff with me acting like the adult one idk. Also w1 may play a part in this shit. Me being sp dom felt like I was supposed to check on her but also I didn't really do it because it was fun to tag along with her dumb stuff). But while she had the courage(?) to act on such a wish, I did not - I never had it, and instead compensated by having an hyperactive mental landscape...

There was a Wilde’s quote that went like, “the artist always represents what they themselves cannot live and experience”, or whatever, and I’ve always related to it way too deeply, lmao. I would represent, think, imagine, write the stories, and instead she would actively live them. Also Wilde was a so/sx so I guess that means something

While I may be bitter, because even as a sx-blind I at times feel....... like I want to live and get involved in stuff more? also I guess 9s have a way to dissociate with their life quite easily so that doesn't help (a sx-blind 7 would probably feel like they're getting involved more). Plus possibly having a 5fix makes it worse? it kind of sucks tbfh. Like it feels I've been dissociated since I was 4 yo and never got back to actual earth wtf. 95x sp/so may be the most fucking boring thing on earth + it may bring a neurotic need to keep your little bubble untouched by real life and finding security in that bubble, to the point that you're actually missing out. Idk. I may *do* stuff to make me feel like I'm going around with people more but it doesn't really affect me that deeply so yeah... fuck all of this. It's not even the same as being stuck in your comfort zone? I guess it is but again I may at times challenge myself in some small ways and have new experiences but it's like nothing really reaches me idk.

Again, I usually prefer to go about stuff safely (aka not disrupting my little bubble too much), and in this way, I’ve always had way less regrets than her - so in this, I’m actually fine with my way of playing it safe. I like letting myself wear that pair of glasses when I feel like it and call it a day. I’ve always been content with very little...

Though honestly I’ve not been hanging out with her in years (at least 8 years, wow) and while I do hear from her I can’t say I can get to see how much she’s changed, lol

It was weird, you’d expect that with such a melodramatic friend the break up would be at least as dramatic, instead it has been quite the opposite - we simply slowly stopped reaching out to each other once we had nothing much in common anymore, and something else going on with our lives, lmao...

Also I mistyped her as a 4w3 in the past but it's so funny I got that little about the enneagram and IVs and somehow got her IV right at first try wtf I guess she's just that obvious