.

ughh ur tag ur it part 2!!!! omg sooo good. for me i SEE where dabi is coming from cutting off contact between reader and keigo, but thats bc ive been in similar situations with family members where I didnt even realize 'helping' was enabling them, I dont wanna say im 'team dabi', cuz yes ZERO contact is a tad harsh but I feel u write dabi like he knows the outcome of this situation and he doesnt want readers heart to break from her brother just like his did with his mother and her addiction

waaaah thank you so much anon bb!!! <333 i’m glad it comes across that way, though, because more or less that’s exactly the situation!! in addition to his own personal experiences with having a family member addicted to drugs, dabi works with addicts on a day-to-day basis; he knows them, their habits and their behaviours, very well. he’s seen other people get hurt and, as you’ve touched on, he himself has experienced that pain and agony firsthand, and the last thing he wants is for his baby to have to suffer through that shit, too. if he can shield her from it as much as he can, then he WILL, in every way possible. as i mentioned a few days ago, dabi truly and genuinely believes he knows what is absolutely best for her. he is positive that he is doing the right thing in this situation, even if it hurts her, even if she can’t necessarily see it from his point of view, he doesn’t care—none of that matters, in his opinion. what matters is that he is doing this for her benefit and is keeping her safe, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour in any way. i’m going to touch on this in the next ask as well, but it can also be said that dabi’s actions are also influenced by the jealousy he feels regarding reader and keigo’s close relationship and sibling bond, however that is more subconsciously prompting his actions; it isn’t something he himself realizes as a motivating factor.

Crossing lines

General Kirigan/the darkling x reader

Summary: This was requested by my friend @vvsdiamond28 who also writes and has a really good kirigan x reader story up right now! The request was basically for a fic in which the reader is out wandering at night and runs into kirigan while he’s in the banya and then they get to talking and some other stuff before he admits to only trusting the reader and giving her his real name. This gets kinda steamy bc of the request and bc the story called for it lol but it’s not full smut bc i decided that it would be better to do that as a part 2 so that i could add some jealousy tension haha

a/n i think im back?? Ive been working on requests a lot and ive really enjoyed writing regularly again. A small side note, after rewatching revenge of the sith im kinda in the mood to try writing an anakin fic 😭 pls he was my OG fictional crush,, so either send help or a request for him or something, Anyways,, back to this fic--ahh i had fun writing it but i still feel awkward writing steamier stuff so be nice!! 

-- 

Those that wander in the night, lost in uneasy thought--there’s probably a lot that can be said about them. But I can’t think of anything to be said about me. Nothing good comes from walking around a place full of powerful and tense people in the middle of the night. It wouldn’t take much effort to interpret my actions as suspicious, and yet I continue forward. I’m an idiot--just because I can’t sleep doesn’t mean I have to wander around campgrounds. My presence is barely tolerated here, I shouldn’t try backstroking in waters I can barely tread. 

But still, I walk, eyes more fixated on the open night sky than anything else. The moon is as full as an overflowing glass, the stars twinkling as if desperate to compete with a light it will never be able to duplicate. I sigh, pressing my lips together. Maybe the stars and I have more in common than I thought. Normally, that would be a good thing. 

Letting out a weary breath, I continue forward, away from the relative safety of the main tents. I’m still on the grounds, I’m approaching the border where the tents of higher ranking officials are. That should make me more nervous, but if anything it almost eases me slightly. 

General Kirigan is not the type to be friendly, and yet our interactions have always been laced with a touch of intimacy I can’t quite explain. We’ve been alone together more and more frequently, and I think that’s how I like him best. It’s strange, but when we’re alone some of his sharpness dulls, leaving space for something I might consider humor or actual personality on anyone else. He probably speaks to many girls like that when they’re alone together--a fact I have to fight to remind myself of--but it’s the closest thing to friendship I have here. Maybe it’s foolish to hold onto that, but I can’t bring myself to release my grip on those sentiments. At least not yet, when the kind moments are still rare and fleeting and no line has been crossed. 

The danger, however, comes from the prospect of not recognizing lines before they’re crossed. Even now, as I walk aimlessly in the night, pacing in hopes of exhausting my thoughts, I’m crossing lines in a much more literal way and even these are ill defined. I must be in new territory now, and even that I can only vaguely recognize because of the strangely humid scent that surrounds this area of the grounds. 

I’m near the banya. I didn’t intend to wander here, but the thought of splashing water on my face is too tempting to pass up on. I move closer, finding a sense of peace in having some direction, even in a small way. 

When the promise of water is only steps away, I begin to regret everything. There’s a figure in the bath. I freeze, ready to attempt to shrink away in hopes of disappearing before I’m caught. This could easily turn extremely awkward even though I technically haven’t done anything. Most people don’t bathe at this hour. Who bathes this late at night? 

I keep my eyes on the individual, trying to make out who they are and how aware they are of their surroundings in the dim light. Pale skin, dark hair--unbelievably attractive torso. My eyes linger there longer than they should. I force my gaze upwards, towards their face as if that can erase my ogling. Embarrassment leaves my face burning--I’m not the ‘ogling’ type, and this person doesn’t even know I’m here. I keep my eyes on them as I step back, taking in unaware features as best I can in the dark. 

I know them--I--Saints, it’s Kirigan. 

Fantastic. Of course he has to be even more impossibly attractive while shirtless and wet. I turn my head upwards sharply, more desperate to not be caught than ever. I would never, ever recover from being caught. Whether he’d tease me or be angry with me, I don’t know. I also don’t know which option I’d prefer. 

I step back again, my gait wider due to my urgency. Snap. The sound of both a twig and my chance of a stealthy escape being shattered. I cringe, craning my neck to the left in a desperate attempt to make it clear that I wasn’t watching him. I take another desperate step, ready to duck behind a nearby tree. Maybe he hasn’t seen me--maybe he’s distracted and assumed that some kind of rabbit or something passed by. He may not actively dislike me, but I’m not sure any semblance of favor he may have for me extends to this situation.

“Y/n.” His tone reveals nothing but his level of certainty. Ignoring him will only make me seem guilty. 

I pause, keeping my gaze off of him. “Yes.” It wasn’t really a question, and yet I still answer it like one. “I was--I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d get some air, and I was walking kind of aimlessly and I ended up here and I didn’t think anyone would be here.” Why do I feel like I’m making this situation worse? “I’m sorry--I’m gonna--I’m going to go now.” This is the kind of embarrassing moment that will come back to me when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. I know it.

“You know the polite thing to do after intruding is to make eye contact.” 

I don’t think my face has ever felt this warm before. At least he doesn’t sound angry, but his voice doesn’t reveal that much. I raise my gaze carefully, turning my head slowly. “I didn’t mean,” I exhale slowly, “It wasn’t my intention to intrude.” 

He straightens slightly at my words, exposing more of his chest. I stay still, eyes trained on his to avoid an accidental lapse. “You could make it up to me by offering conversation.” Kirigan’s tone is deliberate, his words measured and calm. I don’t speak, feeling like I’m being presented a test I don’t understand, but most of our conversations leave me feeling like that. “Only if you’re comfortable.” 

And just like that, I’m backed into a corner. A challenge. To deny him now would be to expose the effect he has on me. My chin raises a fraction of an inch as I take in that assured half-smirk. “Why wouldn’t I be comfortable?” 

Kirigan arches a dark brow, assessing my response. “Then sit,” his voice has not changed, “You want air and I want company.” 

I don’t think anyone that looks as good as he does shirtless has ever had trouble finding company, especially with the smooth way he speaks. Despite this, I step forward to accept his challenge without calling him out on his coyness. Each step is the crossing of another invisible line until I’m near the water’s edge. I make sure to keep my nightgown at a respectable length as I sit down. 

I make a point of extending my legs towards the water while leaning back so that I can’t be easily accused of being a coward. “I feel the need to warn you that I might not make particularly interesting company.”

He angles his head to the side slightly, drawing attention to his jawline and neck. I force my stare to focus on the water. “I’ve never found you uninteresting.” 

There’s something resigned in the way he says this. On instinct, I look up, taking in the slight softening of his features. The release of his usual sternness only adds to his beauty, a fact that I’m already resenting. 

“You may be the only one.” It’s not meant to be a deprecating comment, but I’m not sure my partial laugh softens my bitterness. I hope it does--I’d rather his interest than the interest of my entire unit. 

Kirigan shifts forward, the water moving with him. “Do you think that any coldness you’re experiencing has to do with you?” 

The question has me drawing my eyebrows together. What else could it be? I shrug, “I’ve considered it.” 

He nods once, eyes hardening slightly. “Do you always have trouble sleeping?” 

The personalness of the question shouldn’t surprise me as much as it does. Kirigan seems to only understand boundaries when he’s the one setting them. “Not really.” A partial lie--this time I’m glad I can’t quite bring myself to look at him. “It’s not uncommon for me, but it’s not something I deal with every night.” 

I risk shifting my eyeline when I hear the sound of water moving. Kirigan’s now resting an arm on the rim of the pool, wet skin dangerously close to my ankle and lower calf. “It’s not always easy,” his voice is low now, “Being alone with your thoughts.” 

That’s not the kind of reply I’d expect from him. I blink twice before turning to study his expression. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him seem so tired--so weary and human and in need of something. The line between his eyebrows and the far off quality of his eyes leave me with the strong desire to give whatever it is he needs to him. The urge to reach out, to touch him in hopes of breaking him free from his odd trance leaves my stomach knotted. That line is too clear to cross so recklessly.

I need to chase away the serious atmosphere he’s created. “Is that why you bathe so late at night?” I let myself smile, “To avoid thoughts?” 

“I like the peace of it.” Something akin to amusement touches his words. “And for the record, little dove,” the nickname is pointed and earns him an eyeroll, “The warm water doesn’t exactly chase away thoughts so much as encourages others.” He pauses. “You understand, considering you can barely look at me.”

This is the most embarrassing thing to have ever happened. The suggestive jilt to his words has to be intentional. Damn him. I turn my head, forcing myself to meet his gaze. “I can look at you just fine.” 

“And if I were a Heartrender and could hear your heartbeat your pulse would be normal?” The question is teasing, a small smile pulling at his lips. 

The warmth in my face increases, spreading down my neck. Kirigan’s expression remains smug. “You’re not as funny as you think you are.” 

“No?” He leans forward, angling his head so close to me I can faintly feel the warmth of his breath on my lower calf. “I find myself amusing.” 

At least being around him like this is getting easier. I open my mouth, ready to provide some sarcastic comment I haven’t thought out yet. My mouth clamps shut on instinct when I feel his touch on my ankle. The faint contact quickly grows, his fingers brushing up my ankle and calf, leaving drops of cool water across my skin.

“What are you doing?” That’s a--a fair question, right? I’m not sure, rational thought slipping from me more and more with each passing second. 

“Nothing, really,” his reply is quick. “Nervous?” 

There is no way he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I roll my eyes, fighting against my instinctual fluster. “No,” a full lie, “You’re just getting me wet.” 

“Barely.” When he’s not busy being brooding he’s not much better than an irritating child. He retracts his hand slowly, fingers grazing my skin slowly as he submerges his hand beneath the water. The loss of contact should feel like a victory. It doesn’t. “Y/n,” he shifts closer, back straightening.

There’s an odd seriousness to his demeanor that almost leaves me reeling. “Yes?” 

He beckons me forward. I hesitate, but comply, letting myself shift closer to the water’s edge. Kirgan’s lips part, but no words leave him before he moves his arm, purposefully splashing water over my thighs and bottom of my nightgown. I let out an instinctively annoyed sound. “That is getting you wet.” 

“Kirigan!” My tone is as menacing as I can make it, but he continues to grin. There’s such a lightness to the look I almost forget to be annoyed. Almost. “I should tell the entire Second Army how much of a child you are.” 

My threat does nothing, his smile softening without fading. “They fear me too much for your stories to make a difference.” He says this flatly. “All of them except you.” 

I don’t know if I’m supposed to make something of that comment. A brief moment passes in which I think his eyes come close to softening. Maybe that’s a side effect of seeing the world as you want. Wait...what do I want? Him? No, no, I can’t. 

Okay, he’s objectively attractive and sometimes I think I may see more depth in him than he wants to be capable of. But that doesn’t mean I’m allowed to want anything with him. Even if he was trustworthy enough for me to be with him in any capacity...even casually, it could never happen. Nothing good could come from having relations with the highest ranked general and I doubt he’d ever want me like that. He likes to fluster people and I’m an easy target. I just accept it because being some level of entertainment to him is better than being nothing to everyone. 

“I don’t think there’s much point in fear.” It feels like a fair answer. The fairest answer I can manage, anyways. 

He sighs, the sound heavy. His hand stretches forward cautiously. I watch him and make no attempt to stop him from touching my lower calf. His fingers trace absentmindedly across the skin. “Of course you’d think that.” 

Again, I don’t know what to make of his words. Or his actions. He couldn’t find anything wrong with me just slightly adjusting my position. It’d be a polite way to remind us both of the natural order of things. But then again, someone like him is allowed to be mad about anything. And I’m not sure I want to remind us of our place. 

Actually, I’m completely sure that I want the opposite of that. But admitting that to myself is enough of a risk. I’ve already crossed thousands of tiny lines and what I want will require us to cross a thousand more. 

“I’m a little surprised you’re not reminding me how foolish a notion like that can be.” 

He lets out a tiny breath as he shifts even closer to me. “Maybe I’m enjoying your foolishness.” 

“I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or the opposite.” 

The slightest hint of a smile is visible to me beneath the moon’s glow. There’s something about darkness that adds beauty to things. I wait for him to reply, but instead of speaking his  hand moves further up my leg. I struggle to hide my reaction to his long fingers trailing up my skin.

He’s touched me before, sure. Tiny moments in which he’d push a strand of hair out of my face or wipe at a bit of dirt on my cheekbone. More recently, he had gripped my hip firmly to guide me through a crowd of soldiers. He had been in a hurry, stealing me from a conversation with the only member of my unit that’s been somewhat friendly to me. It wasn’t serious--he had just been rushing me because he only had a minute between meetings and apparently he had too long of a day to not take a moment to speak with me. 

“Are you alright, Dovey?” Normally, the nickname and all of its variations earns him an eyeroll. But everything is a lot less humorous with his hand half up my lower leg, leaving a trail of cool water wherever he touches. 

His fingers press more firmly into my skin. “Yes, I’m fine--it’s just late.” 

“Hm…” Kirigan breathes before tilting his head slightly. “You’re warm.” I stay silent as his hand shifts slightly. “Perhaps too warm.” 

If I’m hot that has absolutely nothing to do with fever. “I’m fine, General, I promise.” 

“Come closer,” he says, “It’ll take me no time to check.” 

...A little too convenient. My nightgown is still embarrassingly damp from the last time I eased tonight. “Please tell me you don’t find me that naive.” 

“Naive? No.” He lifts his hand slightly. “Warm? Yes.” I still don’t trust him. “I’m not going to do anything. I promise.” 

His eyes are dark and the limited lighting of the moon doesn’t offer me much in my analysis, but what I can see makes him seem genuine. “Why do I feel like that’s not the first time you’ve had to say that?” Despite my comment, I move towards him. 

The back of Kirigan’s palm is pressed to my forehead for less than a second. He brushes his hand down the side of my temple, rotating his wrist so that his fingertips can touch my cheek. His hand then continues to move down my jawline and then my neck...and then finally trails down my collarbone. I bite my tongue to avoid exhaling audibly at the contact. 

“Warm,” he concludes with a tsk, and yet he doesn’t withdraw his hand. “Though that could just have to do with the climate.” His thumb slips beneath the sleeve of my nightgown. “Perhaps you could benefit from joining me.” 

I bite my tongue to avoid letting out a surprised, embarrassingly enthusiastic squeak. I don’t know what’s gotten into him...maybe it’s the night air and the prospect of being fully alone. I should be strong enough to break whatever spell he’s starting to place on me. But I’m not. I’m really, really not. 

He pulls on the sleeve of my nightgown slightly. “I’m…” 

“Unless you’re nervous?” Another damn challenge. To shy away from this would be to expose myself. He tugs on the sleeve a little more assuredly, exposing my shoulder to the humid night. “Do I make you nervous?” 

His voice comes out a shallow rasp. I feel it straight in my core. “...Not more than you should.” 

“More than I should?” 

Ugh--too honest. I let myself get distracted. It shouldn’t be too difficult to explain what I meant. He knows he’s feared. He wants to be feared. “I’m sure we’re both aware that there are a fair amount of cautionary tales revolving around you.” 

His hand falls next to my lap. Oh? I didn’t expect to miss the contact between us so much. His expression seems to have fallen slightly as well. Was it my response to his question? It felt fair and straightforward without being too blunt. “And you believe every cautionary tale you hear?” 

There’s something stiff about the way he asks the question. His moodiness is making me miss his touchiness even more. At least then I didn’t have to feel like I made a mistake. Did I say something wrong? “Should I?”

“It depends on whether or not you plan on being brave.” 

“I told you...I don’t see much point in fear.” 

“And yet you’re still there.” A bit of humor returns to his voice. “Why is that?” 

Rolling my eyes, I shift forward, letting my legs dip into the water. This is as far as I should let this go. I’ve already lost too much more control. “Better?” He’s strangely tense again, a hint of something bitter playing at the smug look he tries for. “You alright?”

“Of course you’d ask me that.” He says this with a tired sigh. “You can never make things easy.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

He shifts backwards slightly. I can feel the distance between us like I’d feel a pebble in my shoe. “Do you believe all the stories about me?” 

Is he still bothered by that? “I didn’t mean it as literally as you’re taking it. All I meant is that people are intimidated by you, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s the way things have to be, you’re the only Shadow Summoner in existence and the army needs you to be intimidating so that they can act on your guidance.”

“The way things have to be,” he echoes, his voice strangely weighted. “There’s a specific kind of loneliness that comes with being feared by everyone.” 

Oh--I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him feel defeated like that. I reach for his hand without thinking, pulling his fingers towards my lap. “I don’t--I’m not scared of you.” It’s a weak attempt to comfort him, but it’s the only one I can think of. “That probably doesn’t mean anything, but I--” 

His hand turns in my lap, squeezing the exposed part of my thigh. “It means something.” Kirigan’s voice has hardened in a different way. “You’re the only person I’m certain of.” 

Everything in me seems to tighten at that. At the implication of something so personal from someone so closed off. “Kirigan, you don’t have to be as alone as you feel. You talk to me all the time and you do so in a way that makes it easy to forget the cautionary tales.” His hand moves further up my thigh. I fight as I try to remember our usual dynamic. “You’re the only one that talks to me like that.” 

“Have you ever considered that maybe the others refuse to take to you because of the favor I’ve shown you? The instinct to stay away from me is strong enough to extend to those around me.” Kirigan’s hand moves higher up my thigh. “To be near me is to involve solitude.” 

“I don’t care.” The answer leaves me too quickly. “Being near you is worth it.” 

He leans closer before resting his chin on my knee with no hesitation. “Careful, you don’t understand the line you tread.” Kirigan places his hand more firmly between my thighs. “Or perhaps you do...perhaps you know what you want to cross.” 

This time I can’t help the airy sigh that leaves me. Kirigan pushes against my thigh slightly, separating my legs. I feel his breath on my inner thigh before I know what’s going on. I can’t move, I can’t think, I can’t even breathe. That inability to do anything but feel my heart pound against my chest only worsens as I feel his lips press into the inside of my thigh. His lips trail up my skin before his teeth gently sink into the top of my thigh. 

“Is the line you want to cross?” He breathes the question so softly I feel like I’m being coddled. Everything in me feels too hot to think of any kind of coherent response. Kirigan uses his free hand to pull the fabric of my nightgown as high up my thighs as he can from his position below me. “Or maybe this is the line you want to cross?” Kirigan pulls me forward so suddenly I let out a tiny gasp. I’m not fully on the edge of the banya. “Or perhaps this one?” He kisses the skin of my inner thigh gently. Each time I exhale too loudly, his teeth graze my skin. He gets harsher with each passing second. “Lay down.” 

My body listens to him on instinct. How is this happening? How am I this powerless to fight against something that’s so clearly wrong? The sound of water shifting causes my entire body to tense. He’s pulled himself out of the water. Kirigan moves above me instantly, water dripping from his toned chest and dark hair and onto my still damp nightgown. 

Before I can speak, he’s on me completely, his lips pressing against my jaw. He kisses down my neck, his teeth grazing against my skin sporadically. He pulls away from me by tracing his tongue across my collar bone. I let out something dangerously close to a moan. “Such pretty, little sounds.” 

“Kirigan--” 

“The only name I want you to hear from your lips is the only name that I’ve not given myself. The only name that holds meaning to me.” 

His lips graze where my skin meets the hem of my now soaked through nightgown. I’m not sure the poor lighting is offering me enough coverage now. There’s no way the thin fabric leaves much to the imagination while being this wet. He kisses up my chest and neck until his lips reach the shell of my ear. 

“Aleksander.” The name is grace in the form of a breath so soft it’s more like I’m feeling the name than actually hearing it. 

He presses his lips against the spot on my neck directly beneath my ear. I exhale into the contact. “Aleksander.” As I test his true name on my tongue, his teeth dig into my skin much more harshly than before. 

I let out a partial squeak at the sudden shift in pace as his hands grip my waist. “Say it again. Say my name again.”

He traces his tongue gingerly over the skin he just aggravated with his teeth before I can speak. The soothing sensation is so much I can barely find my voice. “Aleksander.” 

His hand bunches the bottom of my nightgown, raising the fabric to my hips. “...Say it just like that.” Kirgan’s rough hand slips between the bone of my hip and the fabric of my hip. “Like I’m the only one that knows you like this.”

“Aleksander.” I breathe as he traces invisible patterns into my skin with his lips. “Aleksander.” Each use of his name earns me extra attention--a stronger hold on my hip, a more adamant nip at the base of my neck. I feel my need for him so heavily I swear it’s leaked into my bones. “Aleksander.”

When he pulls away, I fight the urge to whine. The night is still humid, but with the absence of his touch I feel like I’m shivering. He regards me silently for a long moment before shifting his weight again. I feel my heart stall in my chest as his hand softly brushes a strand of hair out of my face. He lets his hand linger there, at the apple of my cheek. The entire world seems to stall as he leans down, his hand cupping the side of my face as his mouth inches closer to mine. 

“I can feel the fluttering of your heart.” 

Any poor defense dies in my throat as his lips meet mine. He gives me no time to think about what’s happening as he presses into me even harder. Kirigan holds my face as his teeth graze against my bottom lip. My mouth opens slightly in surprise, giving him the opportunity he needs to slip his tongue into my mouth. His tongue slowly brushes against mine, coaxing me into total, delirious, compliance. When he starts to pull away, I react, my hands flying forward to grab his hair. He lets me get away with tugging him towards me, prolonging the kiss as he bites my bottom lip. 

One of his hands leaves my face and travels up the hands holding onto his hair. He pulls me off of him easily, pinning both of my wrists above my head with one hand. “Easy,” Kirigan warns, “You’ve been such a good girl, let’s not ruin it before we’ve started.” 

A tiny sigh leaves me. I can feel the pride he takes in that as his hand trails further down my body. His fingers ghost along the hem of my underwear teasingly. 

“Is someone there?” I’ve never damned the voice of a stranger more. 

Panic and dread roll in my stomach. I’m going to get caught like this, with my nightgown bunched at my hips beneath the General Kirigan. An unclothed, wet, General Kirigan. “I’m bathing.” 

Okay...good...Aleksander spoke. Anyone with common sense would run at the thought of invading on Kirgan’s privacy. It’s a good thing that the soldier had the sense to linger behind a thicket of bushes. “Pardon General, but there’s been a crucial development. A new strategy should be thought of as soon as possible.” 

No. No. The thought of losing contact so entirely, of having a moment that should have never happened be ripped from me before it’s even really happened is overwhelming. I feel my lips pull into a pout. Kirigan’s hand adjusts on me, his thumb pressing teasingly over where I’m neediest. I bite my tongue to avoid making an inappropriate noise. 

“Five minutes--I’ll be in the strategy tent in five minutes.” 

“I’ll tell the others, General.”

Great. I hear the stranger disappear, his feet crushing twigs and grass as he leaves us. Aleksander’s attention returns to me quickly. Disappointment swells in my chest as I take in the solemn look that crosses his features. His hand moves to my chin quickly before pulling me into another deep kiss. It’s too short lived. 

“I have to go.” 

Frowning, I lift my hand to trace my fingers up his arm. It’s softer than I should allow myself to be, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Not when this is probably never going to happen again. “Do you?” I mumble to myself, half joking.

He sighs once, his thumb brushing against my cheek. “No pouting.” 

Now that whatever little bubble we were in has popped, I’m capable of normal feelings. Including shame. “I am n--” 

“Easy, little dove, I’ll remember all of this when I find you again.” 

This...this is going to happen again? “You’re going to find me?” 

“I haven’t yet heard your voice crack on my name as I undo you.” He punctuates the promise with a kiss to my jaw. “Again.” Another kiss. “And again.” Another brush of his lips as he finally pulls away. “And again.” 

My breath catches itself in my throat as he moves off of me entirely. Damn whatever change in the war that’s pulled him away from me so suddenly. I sit up as he stands. I’m not sure where to look now that he’s not in close enough proximity to cloud my thoughts. I should leave as he dresses, but I can’t quite bring myself to. It doesn’t feel safe, not when the man that interrupted us could reappear at any moment. Not when I want to hold onto his presence like this as long as possible. 

 He squeezes my shoulder warmly as he passes before bending down to press one more kiss next to where his hand is. 

“Soon,” he promises again. 

--

General taglist: @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

tma fic recs? i went into ao3 and it was a mess

yeah it’s been slow-going for me too because of the amount of freak shit people post/have posted, as well as the fact that a lot of the high-kudos’d jm fics are from before s4 really ramped up their relationship development. and i’ve found i can get pretty picky about martin’s characterization. here’s a couple i’ve read and liked

(now with a read more because it’s gotten long) (updated 2/15/20)

the umbrella (4.6k) - mag160 fixit, probably my favorite fixit so far. includes canon-level non-graphic blinding. but it has a happy ending. it’s tma, i don’t need things to be light and fluffy all the time, i’m good with canon level darkness yk? as long as there’s a happy ending and the gays’ love for each other is pure.

feel the done days and you’re pulling through (1.8k) - jon deprogramming from being an avatar. living a very domestic and idyllic life. it’s adorable

all resistance wearing thin (4.7k) - ok this is the ONLY web!martin concept ive ever liked. bc it doesn’t make martin a crazy villain hes still himself and hes just NICE he LOVES people (aka jon). and we all like to indulge in a bit of mutually obsessive love. happy ending :)

some invitation of light (4k) - i love the joke that “martin is proof that playing hard to get works,” and this fic is in line with that. i’m picky about jealousy in fics but this one was enjoyable

ways to save the world (19.3k) - oooooogh urghhhhh jon gets trapped in the lonely and martin communicates to him through passages of poetry… im a total sucker for epistolary fics and this one was so GOOD

*

above all shadows (4.3k) - canon divergent from s4, written before the finale. very fairytale esque. theres some paragraphs in this that made me go HAM

catch and release (2.3k) - pre canon divergence au where theyre both avatars being spooky and doing a back and forth. martin is full lonely and jon got RAISED BY SPIDERS. somewhat edgy but in a fun way. we love creepy shit

agate, amber, amethyst (994) - short sweet and soppy. magpie jon is so utterly charming to me.

reciprocity (1.9k) - short and sweet caretaking stuff. both these bitches need to sleep.

always a reason (1.7k) - we love jon taking care of martin!! as he deserves!

pl: nuclei; but you only need one, anyway. (1.1k) - s3 phone calls with jon asking martin for research help. timezones. jon trying to stretch those “i care about you” muscles

1. can’t be helped (5.3k) 2. rituals (8.4k) - two fics in a series. very monster boyfriend. the first is martin losing his emotions to the lonely. the second is martin getting them back, but jon has been subsumed by The Archivist, which is figuring out what martin means to it. there was a moment in the second that made me go a little whoa hey! it was the archivist compelling martin. but it wasn’t anywhere near enough to make me stop reading. they were good, heartrending reads.

misshapes, mistakes, monsters (7.9k) - jon takes martin as his plus one to an oxford reunion. an enjoyable read, along with an almost cartoonishly villainous posh man. pining! “it’s nice to feel like i’m something worth protecting” arrrghhhh

small things, simple acts (6.6k) - post-159 fic. bookmarked this one! because they LOVE each other and TRY SO HARD for each other!!!! jon buys martin a stuffed cow because he saw martin looking at it and theyre TRYING for it. “There are a lot of things that Jon can’t give him, like safety or a normal life. But he can absolutely get him a stuffed toy just because he looks like he wants it.”

i’m almost me again, you’re almost you (12.9k) - you know when you try to feel feelings and it’s like touching a hot stove? that’s what martin does this whole fic as he’s recovering from the lonely and jon is being so achingly sweet and good with him, but martin can’t 1. deal with it just yet 2. believe that jon loves him back. post-159 fic. god. READING it felt like touching a hot stove, or stepping into warm bathwater with cold feet. jesus christ. excellent

fate, or something (107.8k) - this is that 100k blind date s1 canon divergence au, and i tried it out and i LOVED IT. martin has a spine! it’s just so sweet. they’re friends! martin works with melanie for ghost hunt uk! a great read. it’s that sloooowwww burn shit.

forever is composed of nows (5.9k) - jon meets martin (a single dad) and martin’s daughter (agnes! who had good writing for a child in a fanfiction) in the library and things grow from there. this fic is SO CUTE. it’s wonderful. i literally had to take breaks while reading it to make wild animal noises because i couldn’t deal with it. god. it’s so good. UGH (thanks to @infernallegaycy for the rec!)

and i won’t pray for an unfilled grave (5.9k) - daisy after coming out of the buried. daisira and daisy&melanie bonding. WOMENNNNN I LOVE WOMEN

*

hello my old heart (15.8k) - jess @thedistortion, the person who got me into tma and a dear pal, wrote this, and their brain is utterly huge and good. i love this so much. a deeply excellent post-159 fic that i would also say is pre-160. so many parts of this make me gasp and clutch my chest! but it also has an excellent realism to it. spiders that enrage me. please read.

yesterday is here (26.6k+, WIP) - post-canon jon and martin travel back in time and hang out with the pre-canon crew and attempt to make everything better. guaranteed happy ending. it’s so sweet watching jon be so kind and gentle and Better At People with his coworkers and make things right - and the s1 jon and martin fumble at seeing their extremely married and Knowing counterparts.

a measure outside the lines (22.9k) - i looove post-159 fics that show that martin hasn’t been completely severed from the lonely and still really struggles with it. this one is EXCELLENT at it. there’s some moments in this one that just made me totally ache because oh… oh martin. it’s so wonderful and has such excellent emotional catharsis

*

interlude (7.8k) - s3 au where georgie meets martin over facetime with jon! makes me wistful for the friendship they could have had without all the coping mechanisms in the way. the fond teasing is very cute. the pining! the banter! the slips of the tongue! very, very enjoyable.

skin deep (3.1k) - another s3 au where georgie meets martin on better terms - she calls him for help after jon’s meeting with jude (as jon’s locked himself in his room). the way jon leans on martin and lets him in and just… the way he behaves around him. very sweet.

bury my heart on the coals (3.6k+, WIP) - au where martin was one of gertrude’s assistants who is now a ghost haunting the archives. i’m enjoying how he’s so judgmental of jon and all the little signs of Haunting that jon and the assistants are experiencing.

nor any more youth or age than there is now (6.5k) - outsider pov of jon being a primary school teacher in scotland post 159!! so, so sweet. i LOVE outsider pov stories and this one is so good. jon using his powers to protect his students and displaying all that character growth he’s had… the glimpses of his domestic life with martin… it’s adorable. please check it out.

take sides in divided cells (3.4k) - in an idyllic domestic post-canon, martin’s father tries to reconnect with him. from jon’s pov, so it’s a lot of him worrying about martin and then being protective. oof! oof! emotional hurt/comfort.

pieces of you stuck on me (1.9k) - spy au. a little snapshot - i enjoy all the implied backstory going on. the thrill! the longing! the suspense! and i’m generally a sucker for spy aus, i’ll be real.

be kind, i beg you (14.9k) - post 159. oh this one is so achey… i love it. jon obsessing over “loved is past tense” and trying so hard to be Good to martin, while martin deals with mood swings from his recent emotional traumas. they try really hard and are very domestic, talk about gardening, and clean up the safehouse. LOVED THIS.

What is your party trick? I don’t have any. What are you listening to currently? An ASMR video. Do you ever talk to yourself? I call it thinking out loud, but yeah. It helps sort out my thoughts and get a clearer picture. My brain is a jumbled mess.  Do you still have any old clothes that you used to wear when you were a kid? No. Do you prefer bright or muted colours? Muted. Can you roll your tongue? Nope.

Are you a light weight when it comes to alcohol? Yeah I was. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? None. How loud do you listen to music? Uhh I don’t know. Loud enough. Which song has the biggest play count on your computer? (How many plays?) I use Spotify on my phone to listen to music. Do people ever tell you to just loosen up? Yes. Or “chill out” and “calm down.” I actually really hate being told those things. Do you act like it’s the end of the world even if you’re just slightly ill? No. I have dealt with health issues all my life and just not feeling well a lot of the time. I feel really shitty a lot of the time. What was the longest time you’ve had the hiccups for? I’m not sure, but it feels like forever when I have them because they’re so annoying. Do you think you’re good at giving advice? I used to be the one people would come to for advice, but definitely not anymore. Are you more awkward talking to people in real life or online? In real life, definitely. I mean, I’m still awkward online, but at least I have time to think about what I want to say first. What’s worse: Ear ache or tooth ache? I’ve only experienced toothaches, and they’re horrible. What type of TV shows are your favourite? I have a few favorites. Do you think you’ll ever manage to do everything you want to? I don’t even know what I want to do. What do you fear most? Losing my loved ones,  never getting better/getting worse, never doing anything with my life... Do you wear shoes around the house? No. Name something you associate with someone / thing you hate. Uhh. Do you bruise easily? Yeah. Have you ever bought pre-ripped jeans? No.  Are you a good driver? If you can’t drive yet, do you think you’ll be good? I feel like I’d be too anxious and just probably shouldn’t drive. What is / was your favourite thing about school? (If anything. :P) I mean, I liked the learning part of it overall and some of the projects/assignments/reading that was of interest to me. High school had its ups and downs. I liked the pep rallies and assemblies that we had. In college I was apart of a psychology club, I served as a board member and it was a lot of fun. We took a lot of cool trips, too. Looking back now I can say there were parts I liked about school, but while going through it I was stressed and overwhelmed and I would get burnt out really easily. Many late nights, many tears. Dealt with big health stuff along the way. My last year of college was a real struggle, I just wanted to quit and be done. I managed to push through and I finished, but yeah it was rough. Funny that I can look back now a few years later and say there were parts that I liked haha. Oh, and there’s also the fact that at least I was doing something with my life and I felt productive at the time.  What are you most likely to spend money on? Clothes, particularly graphic Ts. Have you ever been a complete fangirl / fanboy over anything? Yep I’ve been like that since middle school. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever heard somebody die of? Uhh. Do your nails need cut? Ha, no. I take care of that on the daily. They’re barely there. When was the last time you (dis)liked someone without really knowing them? Hmm.

Are there any movies coming out that you really want to see? It Chapter 2 was the most recent one I was excited about. I want to see it again! I don’t think there’s anything else that I’m really excited about until Rise of Skywalker in December. Do you think you’ll ever get married? No. How did you get one of your scars? Okay let’s go over all the scars I have doesn’t that sound fun? lol. I have a lot of scars, most of which are from surgeries, like the one down half my stomach and one all down my back. Some on my left side where they had to take some of my rib to use for something else. My left thigh has a few from past pressure sores and a big one from a surgical procedure called a “flap.” I have a few from spilling something hot on myself or placing a hot plate/hot cup on my lap/between my legs (I’m a paraplegic and I’ve done stuff like that in the past without thinking). The coffee incident was recent-ish, too. :/ I have a few little ones on my arms and hands from IV insertions, one on one of my right knuckles from burning myself with a straightener. I have a tiny scar on my nose from chicken pox. I have a little round one above both eyebrows from having to wear this thing called a “halo” after one of my spinal surgeries. My left leg has a lead mark from a pencil mark as a kid. My left knee has a round one on each side from a stint or something I had to have in my leg after a surgery. I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting.  When was the last time you wore a mask? What did it look like? I’ve worn one for years.  What was the last thing you took a photograph of? My doggo. In childhood, were most of your friends male or female? Female. Have you ever been to a protest? No. Do you hate how, when the public like a celebrity, they overpublicise them? Eh. I admit to being into the celebrity and entertainment world stuff. If it’s a celebrity I don’t really like then yeah it’s annoying. haha. Are you afraid of the dark? I sleep with my TV on for some light and sound because of that. I can’t have it completely dark or silent. What time do you usually eat dinner at? 8ish. Where did you last stay overnight other than your house? A hotel. How often is your computer on mute? I don’t watch a lot of videos on my laptop, so I guess most of the time.  Do you name inanimate objects? Which ones? I have. Are you jealous of loved up couples when you’re single? I think people tend to confuse jealousy and envy. Anyway, I may feel a bit envious sometimes and I think that I’ll never experience that, but for now it’s best that I’m single. It works for me for now. What was your last dream about? Random shit as usual. If you have an iPod, what did you call it when you registered it? I probably called it Steph’s iPod or something. I haven’t used my iPod in yearssss. What do you do when you’re stressed out? Shut down? When was the last time you sneezed? I don’t remember. What comes up on your recommended list on YouTube? ASMR videos mostly. The shoes you wore today: What do they look like? I haven’t worn any today.

So I'm going to start identifying myself as aspec. Previously I identified as a bisexual aromantic but upon furthur consideration I might be asexual.

I'm posting about this b/c 1) it puts it out there and makes the lable feel more real and tangible

2) I know some of y'all IRL or on a personal enough basis that I feel you should know

3) A queers need more visibilty in gen

4) cause I want to talk abouy it

So Idk how to do a read more and am on mobile so if you dont want to hear about what being aspec means to me start scrolling now

So. In the aspec community (do we have a better word?) theres an overwhelming discourse about sexual and romantic repulsion. For those of you who dont know thats when the idea of sex , sexual content, sex itself, the idea of romance, romantic gestures, and/or romantic content acts as a squick for you it creates some spectrum of a revulsion in you to be confronted with one or more of these things. Its an overwhelming discourse for many reasons but the one I want to talk about is that it makes it obvious that your ace or aro if your repulsed by sex or romance. The process for discovering your aspec identity is easier in a way, specifically in a way it isnt for me.

See I dont experience sexual or romantic repulsion. I like romance stories and porn. I actively seek these things out. I'm not put off by discussions of others romantic or sexual lives (specific aspects may repulse me but in general I'm interested in these especially when coming from people I care about). So naturally as a teenager I never considered myself as aspec. i considered myself bisexual almost immediatly (there was a thing where I thought I was tricking myself into thinking I liked women to be included in the queer community. More on that later) it took two very short very middle school esque (one took place my sophmore year) relationships and an accidental internet encounter with the concept of aromantisim for me to realise that the reason this wasnt working for me was because I didnt really want it.

The more I thought of myself as aro the more things made sense. At the slumber parties as a kid I never had a crush to confess. Those two failed relationshios? Guy friends I'd gotten real close to and thought my new stronger friendship feelings must be what romantic attraction feels like. Also the real sticker, I dont get jealousy in romance at all. Like that one goes over my head. I dont understand why cheating is the worst thing someone can do in a relationship to the point that people who've been sucked into a cycle of abuse and have become convinced everything is their fault will snap when they discover they were cheated on. That is absolutly mind boggling for me.

The point of that is I never got that ew ick romance feeling. As a reult the road to discovering I was aromantic was long and and full of doubt. Doubt that went along the lines of "Maybe I just havent found the right person". Which also happens to be the exact thing my mum says to me everytime I try to explain that Im aromantic to her. Bisexuality she understands and accepts. This she doesnt. So even though I know intellectually theres no right person for me that niggling doubt remains andit haunts me.

Now im going to devolve a bit here and I know what this sounds like but im seriously not trying to be offensive just explain something

See I read a fanfic recently. I dont remeber how I found it but it was a Stony fic and the story and the set up were very romantic cliche. Basically Steve was Tony's booty call it evolves to friends with benefits Steve falls in love. Textbook stuff. But see theres a wrench because the author identifies as aromantic is with the definition we have aromantic. They write their identity onto Tony. Thats something we do in fanfic and in writing. But the problem I ran into is this: the author identifies as aromantic because they experience romantic repulsion(yes they told me this) so in the fic Tony is in love with Steve but experiences romantic repulsion. The idea of romance of romantic commitment makes him anxious and sick. This is how the author feels FWB allows them to experience intimacy without triggering their repulsion. Identifying as atomantic makes them feel not broken. This so good right? This is why we have labels

Except. When I read this part of the story it hurt me. Directly. See Tong Stark has Daddy Issues. Ehen the author wrote about Tony's romantic repulsion narritevly they tied it into Tony's not nice childhood. I dont know specifically why it wasnt part of thwir explanation when I told them their story hurt me. I didnt ask. But this narritive decision made what was essentially was an author expressing their experience as an aromantic in a story feel like a personal attack against my aromantic identity.

See when I read that what I read was "Tony Stark cant commit to an actual relationship with Steve Rogers because Howard Starks Grade A parenting fucked up his ability to recieve expressions of love and his ability to commit. Tony Stark is in romantic love with Steve Rogers but his childhood trauma prevents him from expresing it in the traditional manner this is what being aromantic is"

That hurt. Because it hit that little doubt in my head about not having met the "right person" and mixed it up with some childhood trauma made you a broken person. It also hit me while I felt safe. Romance stories are my escapism. Their like an extra element of fantasy in a story for me. I specifically seek out romantic stories as a comforting mechanism. Fanfics in particular because of their inclusivity. I was in my safe space, and I was whammed in a sore spot.

The problem is though the author has a right to that story and that label and to express themselves. We usually draw the line at self expression where it hurts other people but thats not what happened here. What happened here was definitial confusion. The author and I were using "aromantic" to describe two different but similar romantic orientations. In doing so we hurt each other ironically in the same way. We both said to each other "Your identity is wrong and toxic you hurt people and yourself by expressing it the way you do". (I left a comment saying how her story affected me)

When I say I'm aromantic I mean I experience no romantic feelings. None nada zilch. The idea that I might one day experience a type of romantic feeling is an aggression against me. The same way the idea that gay people can choose to be straight is an aggression against being gay.

But I can't invalidate someone else to protect myself. What do I do? I dont want to hurt myself and I dont want to hurt other people? Idk

And now to why I no longer identify as bisexual.

I'm a virgin. Because most peoples first time is with someone their in a romantic relationship with. And we'll I dont do that. Im also a socially anxious person. I have no idea how to instogate a sexual encounter and honeslty I wouldnt feel comftorable dping it with someone I couldnt trust or alternatively someone I'm friends with and would have to continue being juat friends with in post we had sex awkwardness. So ive never had an opportunity to have sex.

But I also havent sought them out. And I dont feel particularly driven to. These are reasons to think your asexual but I'm sure it's also the experience of many introverted and secually awkawrd people. And it's not like I couldnt have sex at some future point. Even now if an opportunity arose I might say yes, of only to confirm my asexuality.

The thing that has made me actually consider if I'm ace tho is a weird quirk of mine. I cant get off to prom videos. I use lit erotica. Why? Cause the idea that those are real live people puts me off. Porn stars and amateur porn makers know people get off watching their videos. Theyre okay with that. But I'm not. At all. Thats a big ol nope for me.

See I'm a ciswoman. Which means I have a clitoris. An organ whose only purpose is to provide pleasure. As everyone knows reciving pleasure via the clit requires no participation by a second person. The fact that my clitiros functions as intended and that I use it isnt sexual attraction.

Thats a new idea for me. But it's true isnt it? Sexual attraction is about other people. And sure I can appreciate other people's hotness. But just because I think a horse is pretty doesnt mean I want to fuck it. Remeber that thing about thinking I was faking bisexuality?? I was right. I wasnt sexually attracted to women. But what I hadnt bothered to consider because of heteronormativity was that I wasnt sexually attracted to men either.

Other fun fact in case you might be an ace person who's read this far (why? Also hi Katie and possibly Sadie but definelty Nishat. No im not implying any of you are ace) I dont have sex dreams. But I do have dreams in which I masturbate. So stick that jn your pipe and smoke it.

Anyways these are all experinces that I have that I feel neccessry to share to make it so the repulsion story isnt the only one out there. And also to start a discourse about how experiencing and not experiencing repulsion affect aspec experience. Thanks for reading!

Do them,,, asks,,,

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)@bicep-naruto​

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

mmm not really bc if i were to like someone itd be for their personality ;)))

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

ye id think so

3. Are you a virgin?

yep

4. Are you in a relationship?

nop

5. Are you in love?

no but im in lov with you ;)))))

6. Are you single this year?

ye

7. Can you commit to one person?

yop

8. Describe your crush

dont have one

9. Describe your perfect mate

 v pretty, plays video games, generally likes the same sort of stuff i do, soft and worm like mash potatoe, has a cat named fluffy (cough cough its you)

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

mmmmm i dont think people can truly be in love at first sight

11. Do you ever want to get married?

yeah and even if i dont find the right person by a certain point in my life maybe ill just marry one of my friends bc itd be like having a roommate who you also happen to be married to

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

it depends on what they do but in most cases no

13. Do you get jealous easily?

surprisingly not at all! i think the last time i felt jealous was is maybe third or fourth grade? after that any jealousy i might have felt just turned to sadness

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

nop

15. Do you have any piercings?

i only have a single piercing in each ear but im considering getting a couple more ear piercings when im older? i rarely wear earrings though so thats the thing

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but i have an idea of one i might get when im older

17. Do you like kissing in public?

no

20. Do you shower every day?

not every day but maybe five times a week (i only shampoo twice a week bc i found that works best for my hair)

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

uuu i dont think so?

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

perhaps?

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

yeah

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

ill barely be an adult in five years so no

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

mmm nop

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

ye boi 

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

no but a certain someone has written angst for me ;))

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

never been in a relationship so no

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

no

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

theres parts of my body i would prefer to be different but ive never actually considered plastic surgery

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

no

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

when it comes to fictional characters then yes

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

im a child of christ

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

again, im a child of christ

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

when i was a Child i kissed my parents platonically

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

nop

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

probably (not in a romatic way though)

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

nope

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

nop ((but maybe i will one day ;)))))))

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

i M a ChIld of ChrisT

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

no

43. How long was your longest relationship?

never had one

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

none

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

none

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

nOne

47. How old are you?

fourteen…………….. but not for long

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

i dont like anyone

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

dont have one but if i did it would be everything

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu no?

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

i cant think of anyone on the top of my head but maybe?

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

if there is im not aware of it

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

YOU

55. Share a relationship story.

dont have one

56. State 8 facts about your body

uuuu smol, filled with anger, also filled with love (for u), uuuuuuuuuuuuu feel free to add more

57. Things you want to say to an ex

dont have one

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

kill a man for me, throw boulders at my enemies, have some thicc biceps, smel nice, and smash a barrel over my head, killing me instantly

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

i havent had any partners but if i were to have one right now i wouldnt want it to be more than one year (if i were older than the acceptable age gap would widen a bit)

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

uuhhhuhu just the way their face does stuff when doing things???? also hair

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu buy me snacks

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

mmmmmmmmmm pretty much the same thing you put

64. What is your definition of cheating?

my answer is also the same thing you put

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

no

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu not sure

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

idk just something fun like going to an amusement park or even something like napping together?

68. What is your sexual orientation?

aroace. i feel platonic attraction (like for you) and aesthetic attraction (also for you) though

69. What turns you off?

uuuu people who are dinguses (dingi?)

70. What turns you on?

uuuuuuu good, soft people

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

n o

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

“im going to smash a barrel over your head, killing you instantly” ;) kinky i know

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

kill me

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

hnhnhnnhn i have some small, unimportant ones but i cant think of a big one

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

literally everything youve done for me

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

nhhhhhhh 

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

i dont really care unless the relationship seems like it might not be the healthiest 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

you know p much all my secrets i think

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

i dont remember why but it was in third or fourth grade

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

like twenty minutes ago

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

a bunch of fictional characters and you, of course ;))))))))

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my dad

83. Who was your first kiss with?

havent had one

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

havent had any relationships

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

maybe if i really like them

I would love some advice- is this Compete betrayal? Or something to work past?

Hi Jennie! I would really love some insight on this, I know its so long, sorry in advance, but Its been weighing on me a lot…

so a month ago, one of my 3 best friends in the entire world told me and best friend number 2 that she was starting to have feelings for best friend number 3’s ex-boyfriend- we’ll call him Q. Now, this guy is the literal definition of scum. He treats women with zero respect, is a manipulative, unsupportive, emotionally abusive person and treated my best friend number 3 like absolute crap. Best friend number 1 knew every single detail of their relationship and their break-up, and how she developed feelings for the guy bewilders me. Anyways, best friend number 2 and I talked her out of considering dating him, pointing out that he is an awful guy and totally not worth putting her friendship with best friend number 3 in jeopardy. (this is all through texts, as best friend number 2 and attend university in a different city). 

Fast forward two weeks, and best friend number 1 tells all of us that she has decided to go ahead and date Q. We’re very shocked, and text her lengthly paragraphs explaining how this would be a bad idea, how he would only hurt her, and that this is before anything else a complete action of disloyalty to best friend number 3. Again, we talked her out of it, but this time she was being overly apologetic for the situation to the point of really attacking herself. Best friend number 2 and I call her, being worried about her emotional and mental state, and while she reveals that she has not been in the best place mentally/emotionally, it was not as serious as we though, and it all came back to how much she likes Q and is conflicted because she wants to have a relationship with him, but in the end she agreed it would be for the best of all of us not to be with him as she couldn’t really see the relationship being extremely succsessful and long-lasting.

During this, I made sure to call best friend number 3 to see how she was handling all this, -it’s important to mention that she has had a long struggle with mental illness, including suffering from an eating disorder that left her hospitalized at one point 2 years prior, and dealing with self-harm and even a suicide attempt 4 months prior to this, yet by this point she was doing really well in the recovery process- so when calling her to see how she was coping, at first she told me all she wanted was best friend number 1’s happiness, she was over Q, and there was no Jealousy there and she told best friend number 1 that she was fine with it. However, I knew better, best friend number 3 is so altruistic, almost to an excess, and would sell both her kidneys on the internet to make a person she loves happy. So after lengthily conversations, BFFn3 admitted that while she was over Q, BFFn1’s decision to date him gave her so much stress that it drove her to consider self-harm and suicide again. 

Additionally through all the ex-BF drama, best friend number 2 and I both were struggling hard to keep up with very intense programs at uni, and were diagnosed with major depression, -and hearing BFFn3 say that she considered suicide again, (after we all struggled so much to help her get better mentally and saw her go from being in the hospital, hooked up to an IV, 3 hairs on her head, weighing barely 40 kilos, barely enough skin to stretch over her bones, and covered in scars to finally being in a relatively very healthy place), hearing that did break me. I went into a period of constant anxiety to the point of barely being able to think and fiction normally, and had to start taking antipsychotics to deal with everything.

So right after all this had built up, BFFn1 texts again and says that while she heard everything we said to her, (and at this point BFFn3 had told her she had an issue with the situation, stopped talking to her for her sanity, and told her their friendship depended on what she chose to do next) BFFn1 had made her final decision to go ahead and date Q. BFFn2 and I unleashed all our feelings, while not being mean or calling her any names or attacking her to much, we were very honest and told her that this decision was not okay, that she was putting BFFn3 and really all of our mental health’s on the line, etc. yet, at this point she started defending herself, played the victim, saying how she was at a really bad place in her life and he was the only thing that made her happy- however (i told her this) no matter how dark a place I was in (i’m taking antipsychotics for christ’s sake! I would never think its okay to put myself over the life and mental heaths of my best friends. By the end of the conversation, nothing we said changed her mind, and she chose to date Q regardless.

So now i’m here thinking what the hell happened to by best friend, I have known her for 15 years, since I was 3 years old, and we have never fought before, she has never been disloyal or showed the capacity to hurt me like this before. On one hand I feel completely betrayed and have less respect and no trust left in her at all - I can’t believe she would put herself before the lives and health’s of her best friends, especially knowing how serious it could become, implying that we’re selfish or not thinking about her by not being supportive, and pretty much defending her actions and showing no remorse for her actions. On the other hand, I feel guilty for being mad because she is in a bad place mentally, and I feel guilty for not supporting her in a critical time. Am I being a bad friend? Should I try to help her even though I can’t stand her actions? Should I be supportive? I’m really conflicted about that part…Also, what kills me is the irony if the situation, through this she says things like “I’m sorry for bothering you with this”, or “I love you and I’m here for you always”, and “I’d do anything for you guys” but how can I believe that when she clearly chose not to stop dating Q for us? I feel so betrayed, but she is also my best friend and has been forever…I don’t know if I could ever be friends with someone who did what she did to us, i feel our friendship might be beyond repair….but I still love and fear for her and I want her to be okay and I don’t know if I should support her or not…

And this whole situation has creating so much anxiety in me its keeping me from focusing on school, despite the meds, and I really need to get straight As to stay in my program, and its exam season too… i try really hard to get work done, but its impossible because I always come back to thinking about this and it’s wasting so much energy when I barely have any as it is, and I can’t afford to not have any energy left for school

Im sorry its’ so long! Any advice on this I would really appreciate! thanks so much!

Jennie: I don’t think it’s fair of you to put so much responsibility on BFF1′s shoulders. She is not responsible for your mental health, or for the mental health of your other friends. Yes, dating a friends abusive ex is a bad decision. Yes, she should have considered BFF3′s feelings about this, and worked out that she shouldn’t date someone who hurt her friend badly. But you need to allow her to make her own decisions, and you need to understand that she is not the sole cause of your depression, or your friends depression.

She did not cause BFF3′s suicidal thoughts. She hurt her, and that’s not good, but someone in a mentally healthier place would not have considered killing themselves because their friend started dating their ex. She did not cause your depresion, or BFF2′s depression. Friendship drama didn’t help you, and it added to the stress you were already experiencing, but again, someone who was entirely mentally healthy would not have been diagnosed with major depression just because their friend was making some bad choices. She is not responsible for these things.

That doesn’t mean that they’re your fault, or your other friends fault - mental illness isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s an illness, that could happen to anyone. You deserve treatment and support to manage and recover from your illness. But it’s not okay to act like your lives and your health are in the hands of BFF1. She just doesn’t have that much power. You are responsible for taking care of yourself, and making sure you get the help you need (which it sounds like you have done, because you’re on medication). BFF1 shouldn’t be made to feel like she has to stop dating who she wants to date so that her friends don’t kill themselves - because that is emotionally manipulative.

If she’s stressing you out that much, then maybe you need to get some space from her. It’s great that you care so much about your friends, but it sounds like you need to put yourself first right now. Take care of your own needs, seek out counselling or therapy if you haven’t already done so, and focus on getting through your studies. If your friends are good friends, they will understand, and encourage you to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for them, and they are capable of taking care of themselves as well.

Disengage from this drama. Let people date whoever they want to date, be there for your friends when you’re able to, but primarily, be there for yourself.

Here's a true story of how two bestfriends, a boy from the East Coast, and a girl from the West Coast, ultimately ended their relationship, because one fell in love with the other. Enjoy. Her name is Lindsey. We met eachother years ago in Shreveport Louisiana. Every day we grew increasingly close to eachother, became bestfriends, and evetually shit got real and we started fooling around, assuming the title "Bestfriends (with benefits)". Details of how we moved to diferent sides of the map are irrelevant, thats a totally diferent story I can provide upon request. Lindsey and I remained very close ever since we separated, even on occasion flying to the other person's city for a visit. We'd book a hotel, toss up the DO NOT DISTURB sign, have incredible dirty sex all over the room, be as loud as we wanted, and let the unfortunate housekeeper worry about the mess when we went out drinking and shopping. We had always crushed on eachother, never at the same time, which is why we never dated. So instead of being frustrated about that predicament, we just fucked we got over it. Around April of 2017, to prevent things from becoming complicated, we came to a mutual agreement to just be friends, no more emotions, no more sex, just friends. It was hard at first, but after several sessions of masturbation a week, i managed to somewhat tame the sexual urges, and disarm the nuclear warhead of sexual frustration in my pants, AKA my penis. Long story short I dealt with the drought, but i digress. In August of 2017, Lindsey made plans to fly to Tampa to see her grandparents for 2 weeks. I lived in Destin at the time so it was 7 or 8 hours away from where I stayed. She asked me to take a few days off to go see her, and ofcourse I did. We were both in a budget, so we made agreed to be simple and made arrangements to just hang out in my hotel room, watch movies, have some drinks, snacks, and catch up, etc. So as planned, towards the end of her trip, I went down there and spent three days with her. Day one, I pick her up from her grandparents' house in the suburbs, take her to my place 10 minutes away, and show her my room. 5 minutes into the evening she decides to start groping me, leading me on, giving me signs that she wants me to fuck her like a rabbit on Methamphetamines. This presents a problem for me. We had a conversation prior to this little vacation about just being platonic, which she is obviously disregarding. What she failed to understand at that moment was, I had made every effort to move on, and get over any feelings I had for her. And I did so successfully. So when presented with hot familiar pussy that Id been craving months before, I was absolutely uninterested for that reason, but also for one more unobvious reason. Small, probably predictable plot twist, I met a girl in mid July named Kelly. Let me be clear, I tell Lindsey almost everything about my life. Everyone has their secrets, but ive always been honest with her. So prior to my trip to Tampa just to keep her informed, I told her about Kelly one day. "Hey, I met this girl, blah blah blah, I dont think it will go anywhere really but, I really like her." She was jealous initially ofcourse, it was to be expected, but we talked it all out and she handled it well and everything was great. Lets get back to the situation in Tampa to see her. Shes groping me and flriting, even straddles me, fishing for me to kiss her and initiate some sticky foreplay. Its slightly awkward for me, because im not very experienced in the rejection department when it comes to getting my dick wet. Im not the prettiest guy in the world, so when a cute girl throws herself at you, you better pull out the fucking catchers gear. I didnt know how to go by letting her down without hurting her feelings, so i just kind of avoided the subject of sex. So when she tried something i just kind of brushed it off and giggled, or joked about about something random. For the most part she caught on with the message, and it was fine at first. But from her behavior, and the more and more she tried to make advances, the more aparent it became that she was actually still interested in me for more than just sex. It doesnt make sense now, but day two I confirmed my theory when she started getting emotional. She randomly started crying and asking me why i wont touch her, or be sweet with her like I used to be. I explained that nothing was wrong with her, its just not what i wanted anymore. After trying to talk her down the entire day, my answers weren't good enough. She was convinced she was doing something wrong, she became really frustrated with herself, and at this moment i am completely unaware to how to help. Eventually I started getting annoyed. She began doing shit that kind of freaked me out. For brief example; we would be relaxing watching a movie, im trying to ignore the bad vibes and help her have some fun. Something funny in the movie would happen, id laugh, look at her to see if SHES laughing, and shed be staring at me with tears on her face trying not to cry. Multiple occassions this occurred. And its fucking awkward. Maybe I was being insensitive, I get it, shes sad, but we both spent money to be there together and i wanted to make the best of it. Fast forward to the 3rd and final day together. We day drink from the morning until maybe 7pm. The advances and emotions persist. The entire afternoon she was severely bipolar, which i expected this but its okay i just want to relax and be drunk. She cried and cried, and then the next few minutes shed be really happy again and dancing, whatever. The entire time I know whats really bothering me, but im too afraid to tell Lindsey how I feel right now. So i hold my tongue and pretend to be okay. I know she remembers i like Kelly, because she kept referencing her. Asking how she was doing, or shed crack jokes about her when i spoke of her. Classic jealousy, completely obvious. Fast forward to around 7 or 8pm of the evening together. We finish day drinking, somewhat sober up, and track down a Texas Roadhouse. We get to our table, order a drink or two, and have a casual conversation while reflecting on the past couple of days. We have an honest conversation about our feelings: "What are we?" "Can we ever truly just be friends?" "Let me tell you what I think." And overall just communicating as friends about the future, and how we can fix this shit hole situation. Finally we actually had a good time together, and it was mutual. It sank in that i was just not interested in her like I used to be, and that we would truly never be together. She still let out a few tears, but like a man i comforted, and we overall enjoyed our last meal together in the same state. Fast forward to the parking lot after dinner, where shit hits the fan. Its relatively empty. I go to the passenger side of my car, open the door for her so she can get in, but we are still engaged in our heart to heart conversation so we end up loitering for awhile. I light up a cigarette, lean back against the car, and she wraps her arms around my torso and just kind of rests there, head on my chest. Ive got one arm around her and one arm free smoking my cigarette. Boom, imagery. We stay like this for a long time as i chain smoke a few cigs, just talking, and finally the conversation somehow shifts to me denying her any sex/affection/intimacy, whatever. This time its okay because she is calm, shes being understanding with every potential controversal thing i have told her over dinner. I believe she can handle this converstaion. She asked me for total honesty, she could tell there was something i didnt want to say to her and it was important she knew what was diferent. She knows i like Kate, but im still a single man, so why am i being so distant with her physically, than i have been in the past. THIS IS WHERE I REALIZE THAT BLUNT HONESTY IS NOT OKAY WHEN ADDRESSING A JEALOUS GIRL WHO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. I wasn't mean at all, i very calmly and respectively told her exactly what the reason was. I sighed deeply and said "I cant do anything with you, and ive been distant, because all i can think about is Kelly." This may be an outdated reference, but in maybe 1 second, she went from my sweet, calm, understanding bestfriend, to full blown going Jersey Shore on me. She started screaming at me, telling me that she cant believe this, etc etc. Telling me how every time she tried to move on and be with other people, she always felt guilty and cried because even though we werent together, she felt she was cheating on me. And here i am doing the same thing, but im thinking of Kelly, not her. So she put everything i ever did for her in question. Was it truly sincere? Did i ever really care about her? The whole fucking works. During all of this she is sitting on the concrete indian style just ranting relentlessly, and she procedes to get comfortable. I KNOW she plans to dig in for a decent duration because everything that was in her pockets, one by one she starts slamming it on the concrete around her, all in all making a statement to the world that says "fuck everyone and everything." Im a stubborn bastard, so from the time she started flipping out on me, to the time we finally get in the car and leave, like a man, i was still propped up against my car smoking, letting her lay into me with her insults, and ridiculous questions. All i did was stare straight ahead fed up. And I ignored her. She was pissed at me for the obvious reasons, i was pissed at her for freaking out, when all i wanted was to be honest with her. We are adults, let alone we werent even dating, id barely expect this reaction from a distraught girlfriend. But i get it, im the guy, i played with her emotions, now im getting burnt. We finally get in the car, maybe 11p, not once did i say a word to her throughout the whole car ride. At this point im ready to drop her ass back to her grandparents' house so i can check out half a day early from my hotel and drive back to west florida THAT NIGHT. Thats how pissed i am. Im still tipsy, exhausted, but the only thing i want to do is take an 8 hour trip back to my personal bed and sleep all day. But i cant take her to her grandparents' place, she still has some personal belonging in my room. We get back to the room, she climbs in my bed and pouts until she falls asleep. IN MY BED. So what do i do? Ofcourse I refuse to get in bed with her. So after 5 hours of debating on packing up all of her shit for her, waking her up, and taking her home, just like my entire highschool career, i sat at the desk, laid my head down on the table and went to sleep. Woke up that morning at 11, checked out at noon, took her home, still not one word was said to eachother by the way. The first and final words she said to me was "okay drive safe" no goodbye hug, no apologies from either sides, no attempt to fix the situation. She walked past me, i got in my car, backed out of her grandfathers driveway, we looked at eachother one last time, and i drove away. To this day, we still don't speak, the end of a relationship with a girl ive know for a fifth of my life. Love will make you do dumb shit for reasons you cant comprehend. But be careful when you go to tell people how you feel about them. It can really play with their heads and you can lose someone dear to you in the future because you dont know how to keep your mouth shut. Lindsey if you see this, im so sorry.

THE CATHOLIC EPISTLE OF ST. JAMES, THE APOSTLE - From The Latin Vulgate Bible

Chapter 3

ON THE CATHOLIC EPISTLES

PREFACE.

The seven following Epistles have been called Catholic or general, not being addressed to any particular Church or person, if we except the Second and Third of St. John. They are called also Canonical, having been received by the Church as part of the canon of the New Testament, and as writings of divine authority... The first of the seven epistles was written by St. James, surnamed the lesser, and James of Alpheus, (Matthew x. 3.) one of the twelve apostles, called the brother of our Lord, (Galatians i. 19.) who was made bishop of Jerusalem. His mother is thought to have been Mary, sister to the blessed Virgin Mary, and to have been married first to Alpheus, and afterwards to Cleophas; to have had four sons, James, Joseph, Simon, (or Simeon) and Jude, the author of the last of these epistles. All these four being cousins-german, are called brothers of our Lord, Matthew xiii. 55... This epistle was written about the year 62.[A.D. 62.] The chief contents are: 1. To shew that faith without good works will not save a man, as St. Augustine observed, lib. de fid. et oper. chap. iv.; 2. He exhorts them to patience, to beg true wisdom, and the divine grace; 3. He condemns the vices of the tongue; 4. He gives admonitions against pride, vanity, ambition, &c.; 5. To resist their disorderly lusts and desires, which are the occasions and causes of sin, and not Almighty God; 6. He publisheth the sacrament of anointing the sick with oil; 7. He recommends prayer, &c. St. Jerome, in a letter to Paulinus, (t. iv. part 2, p. 574.) recommends all these seven epistles in these words: James, Peter, John, and Jude, published seven epistles....both short and long, short in words, long as to the content; Jacobus, Petrus, Joannes, Judas, septem epistolas ediderunt....breves pariter et longas, breves in verbis, longas in sententiis. (Witham)

Chapter 3

The evils of the tongue. Of the difference between the earthly and heavenly wisdom.

1 Be not many masters, my brethren, knowing that you receive the greater judgment.

Notes & Commentary:

Ver. 1. But not many masters, teachers, and preachers. An admonition to all those who are not called, or not qualified to undertake this high ministry, lest they incur a greater condemnation. (Witham)

2 For in many things we all offend. If any man offend not in word; the same is a perfect man. He is able also with a bridle to lead about the whole body.

Ver. 2. For in many things we all offend,[1] fall into many, at least failings. --- If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man. He that in all occurrences can govern his tongue, has attained to a great degree of perfection. --- He is able also with a bridle to lead about the whole body. He alludes to the comparison in the following verse; and the sense is, that when he has once perfectly subdued this unruly adversary, it may be presumed he can govern himself as to other passions, and the whole body of his actions. (Witham)

Note 1:

Ver. 2. Offendimus, ptaiomen, we stumble, rather than fall.

3 For if we put bits into the mouths of horses that they may obey us, and we turn about their whole body.

Ver. 3. If we put bits, &c. By the help of a bridle, a skillful rider can turn and guide horses never so headstrong and unruly. An experienced pilot sitting at the helm, steers the course of the vessel in a storm, turns and guides the ship what way he thinks most proper; so must a man learn, and use his utmost endeavours to bridle and govern his tongue. (Witham)

4 Behold also ships, whereas they are great, and are driven by strong winds, yet are they turned about with a small helm, whithersoever the force of the governor willeth.

Ver. 4. No explanation given.

5 Even so the tongue is indeed a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold how small a fire kindleth a great wood.

6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is placed among our members, which defileth the whole body, and inflameth the wheel of our nature, being set on fire by hell.

Ver. 5-6. The tongue is indeed a little member, yet doth great things:[2] causeth great evils and mischiefs, when it is not carefully governed; as a little fire,[3] it kindleth and consumeth a great wood. It is a world of iniquity, the cause of infinite evils, dissensions, quarrels, seditions, wars, &c. It defileth the whole body, even the body politic of kingdoms. This fire, kindled by hell, sets all in a flame during the course of our lives, (literally, the wheel of our nativity ) from our cradle to our grave. (Witham)

Note 2:

Ver. 5. Et magna exaltat, megalauchei; which is not only magnificè loqui et gloriari, but also magna facere.

Note 3:

Ver. 5. Quantus ignis, for quantulus by the Greek, oligon pur.

7 For every nature of beasts and of birds, and of serpents, and of the rest, is tamed, and hath been tamed by mankind:

Ver. 7. Is tamed, &c. The wildest beasts may be tamed, lions and tigers, and the rest,[4] and so managed as to do no harm. (Witham)

Note 4:

Ver. 7. Et cæterorum, by which the ancient interpreter had read ton allon, though in the present Greek copies we read, kai enalion, et Marinorum.

8 But the tongue no man can tame: a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

Ver. 8. But the tongue no man can tame, without the special assistance of God. (Witham) --- Wherefore we are to understand, says St. Augustine, that as no one is able of himself to govern his tongue, we must fly to the Lord for his assistance. (St. Augustine, ser. 4. de verb. Matthew vi.) --- It is an unquiet evil,[5] which cannot be stopt[stopped]. It is full of deadly poison, which brings oftentimes death both to men's bodies and souls. (Witham)

Note 5:

Ver. 8. Inquietum malum; so in divers Greek manuscripts, akatastaton, though in others, akatacheton, quod coerceri non potest.

9 By it we bless God and the Father; and by it we curse men, who are made after the likeness of God.

10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

11 Doth a fountain send forth through the same passage sweet and bitter water?

12 Can the fig-tree, my brethren, bear grapes, or the vine, figs? So neither can the salt water yield sweet.

13 Who is a wise man, and endued with knowledge among you? Let him shew, by a good conversation, his work in the meekness of wisdom.

Ver. 9-13. By it we bless God, &c. Such different effects from the same cause, as of blessing God, and cursing men, created to the likeness of God, seem contrary to the ordinary course of nature; for a fountain form the same source doth not send forth both sweet and bitter streams. --- Who is a wise man, and endued with knowledge among you? &c. This seems to be connected with the admonition given at the beginning of the chapter, be not many masters; let none pretend to this but who have wisdom and knowledge, which also may be known by their prudent and mild conversation.

14 But if you have bitter zeal, and there be contentions in your hearts: glory not, and be not liars against the truth.

15 For this is not wisdom, descending from above: but earthly, sensual, diabolical.

16 For where envying and contention is, there is inconstancy, and every evil work.

Ver. 14-16. But if you have bitter zeal. He hints at that bitter, false zeal, which many teachers among the Jews, even after their conversion, were apt to retain against the converted Gentiles, pretending with lies, and against the truth of the Scriptures, that they are not to be made partakers of the blessings brought to all nations by the Messias. --- Glory not, boast not in this pretended wisdom, which descendeth not from above, from God, but which is earthly, sensual, diabolical, from an evil spirit, which foments these jealousies and divisions; and where there are such emulations and divisions, there is nothing but inconstancy, and all kind of evils. (Witham)

17 But the wisdom which is from above, first indeed is chaste, then peaceable, modest, easy to be persuaded, consenting to the good, full of mercy, and good fruits, without judging, without dissimulation.

18 And the fruit of justice is sown in peace, to them that make peace.

Ver. 17-18. But the true wisdom, which is from above,...is chaste, and pure, peaceable, modest, free from such divisions, tractable, easy to be persuaded[6] of the truths foretold in the Scriptures, &c. Now the fruit and effect of such justice, piety, and sanctity, is sown in peace, with peaceable dispositions, in those who with sincerity seek true peace, and who hereby shall gain the reward of an eternal peace and happiness. (Witham) --- St. Paul gives a similar character of charity. (1 Corinthians chap. xiii.) "Charity is patient, is kind,...is not ambitious, seeketh not her own, is not provoked to anger, thinketh no evil,...believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." --- Easy to be persuaded. A good lesson for those devotees, who are not few in number, who are so obstinate and so wedded to their own opinions and ways, as to be unwilling to be controlled, even by those whom God has placed over them, for the direction of their souls. (Haydock) --- Without judging. That is, it does not condemn a neighbour upon light grounds, or think evil of him. It puts the best construction upon every thing he says or does, and never intrudes itself into the concerns of others. (Calmet) --- "Judge not, and you shall not be judged," says the Saviour of our souls; "condemn not, and you shall not be condemned." (St. Luke, vi. 37.) "No," says the holy apostle, (1 Corinthians iv. 5.) "judge not before the time until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the heart."

Note 6:

Ver. 17. Suadibilis, eupeithes; which may either signify easy to be persuaded or who can easily persuade.

Passion Sunday - April 09, 2017

Introduction: The Church celebrates this sixth Sunday of Lent as both Palm Sunday and Passion Sunday. This is the time of year we stop to remember and relive the events which brought about our redemption and salvation. What we commemorate and relive during this week is not just Jesus’ dying and rising, but our own dying and rising in him, which will result in our healing, reconciliation, and redemption.  Attentive participation in the Holy Week liturgy will deepen our relationship with God, increase our Faith and strengthen our lives as disciples of Jesus. Today’s liturgy combines contrasting moments, one of glory, the other of suffering:  the royal welcome of Jesus in Jerusalem and the drama of His trial, culminating in His crucifixion, death and burial. The Holy Week liturgies present us with the actual events of the dying and rising of Jesus. Just as Jesus did, we, too, must lay down our lives freely by actively participating in the Holy Week liturgies.  But let us remember that Holy Week can become "holy” for us only if we actively and consciously take part in the liturgies of this week.  During this week of the Passion -- passionate suffering, passionate grace, passionate love and passionate forgiving – each of us is called to remember the Christ of Calvary and then to embrace and lighten the burden of the Christ Whose passion continues to be experienced in the hungry, the poor, the sick, the homeless, the aged, the lonely and the outcast. The African-American song asks the question, "Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Were you there when they nailed Him to a tree?" The answer is yes, a definite yes. Yes, we were there in the crowd on both days, shouting ‘Hosanna!’ and later ‘Crucify Him!’

First reading, Isaiah 50:4-7: Today's first reading, the third of Isaiah's four Servant Songs, like the other three, foreshadows Jesus' own life and mission. In the middle section of the book of the prophet Isaiah, chapters 40-55, there are four short passages which scholars have called the Songs of the Suffering Servant.  These four songs are about a mysterious figure whose suffering brings about a benefit for the people.  In the original author's mind, the servant was probably a figure for the people of Israel, or for a faithful remnant within the people. However, Jesus saw aspects of His own life and mission foreshadowed in the Servant Songs, and the Church refers to them in this time of solemn meditation on the climax of Jesus' life.  In today’s Psalm, the Psalmist puts his trust in Yahweh for deliverance and salvation.  The context of this day's worship also conveys Jesus’ confidence in God’s protection in the midst of His trial and crucifixion.

Second Reading, Philippians 2:6-11 is an ancient Christian hymn representing a very early Christian understanding of Who Jesus is and how His mission saves us from sin and death.  It is a message that Paul received from those who had been converted to Christ.  “Jesus was Divine from all eternity.  But he didn't cling to that. Rather He emptied Himself and became human.  He accepted further humbling by obeying [the constraints of the] human condition even unto death by crucifixion.  So, God highly exalted Him, giving Him the highest title in the universe.”  Christians reading this passage today are joining the first people who ever pondered the meaning of Jesus' life and mission.  We're singing their song and reciting their creed during this special time of the year when we remember the most important things Our Lord did.

The first part of today’s Gospel describes the royal reception which Jesus received from His admirers, who paraded with Him for a distance of two miles:  from the Mount of Olives to the city of Jerusalem.  Two-and-a-half million people were normally present to celebrate the Jewish feast of Passover.  Jesus permitted such a royal procession for two reasons: 1) to reveal to the general public that He was the promised Messiah, and 2) to fulfill the prophecies of Zechariah (9:9) and Zephaniah (3:16-19): “Rejoice heart and soul, daughter of Zion…. see now your King comes to you; He is victorious, triumphant, humble and riding on a donkey…” (Zech. 9:9).  (The traditional “Palm Sunday Procession” at Jerusalem began in the fourth century AD when the Bishop of Jerusalem led the procession from the Mount of Olives to the Church of the Ascension).  In the second part of today’s Gospel, we listen to the Passion of Christ according to Matthew.  We are challenged to examine our own lives in the light of some of the characters in the story like Peter who denied Jesus, Judas who betrayed Jesus, Pilate who acted against his conscience, Herod who ridiculed Jesus, and the leaders of the people who preserved their position by getting rid of Jesus. 

Exegetical notes on part I of today’s Gospel: 1) Jesus rides on a lowly donkey:  In those days, kings used to travel in such processions on horseback during wartime, but preferred to ride a donkey in times of peace.  I Kings 1:38-41 describes how Prince Solomon used his father David’s royal donkey for the ceremonial procession on the day of his coronation.  Jesus entered the Holy City as a King of peace, fulfilling the prophecy of Zechariah.  The Gospel specifically mentions that the colt Jesus selected for the procession was one that   had not been ridden before, reminding us of a stipulation given in I Samuel 6:7 concerning the animal that was to carry the Ark of the Covenant.  

2) The mode of reception given: Jesus was given the royal reception usually reserved for a King or military commander.  I Maccabees 13:51ff describes such a reception given to the Jewish military leader Simon Maccabaeus in 171 BC.  II Maccabees 10:6-8 refers to a similar reception given to another military general, Judas Maccabaeus, who led the struggle against the Roman commander, Antiochus IV Epiphanes and liberated the Temple from the Romans in 163 BC.

3) The slogans used: The participants sang the “Hallel” Psalm (Psalm 118), and shouted the words of Psalms 25 and 26.  The Greek word “hosiana” originally meant "save us now" (II Samuel 14:4).  The people sang the entire Psalm 118 on the Feast of the Tabernacles when they marched seven times around the Altar of the Burnt Offering.  On Palm Sunday, however, the people used the prayer “Hosanna” as a slogan of greeting.  It meant “God save the King of Israel.”

4) The symbolic meaning of the Palm Sunday procession: Nearly 25,000 lambs were sacrificed during the feast of the "Pass Over," but the lamb which was to be sacrificed by the High Priest was taken to the Temple in a procession four days before the main feast day.  On Palm Sunday, Jesus, the true Paschal Lamb, was also taken to the Temple in a large procession.

5) Reaction of Jesus:  Before the beginning of the procession, Jesus wept over Jerusalem (Lk 19:41-42), and when the procession was over, He cleansed the Temple (Lk 19:45-46).  On the following day, He cursed a barren fig tree.

Life Messages: We need to answer 5 questions today: 1) Does Jesus weep over me?  There is a Jewish saying, “Heaven rejoices over a repentant sinner and sheds tears over a non-repentant, hardhearted one."   Are we ready to imitate the prodigal son and return to God, our loving Father, through the Sacrament of Reconciliation during this last week of Lent and participate fully in the joy of Christ’s Resurrection?

2) Am I a barren fig tree?  God expects me to produce fruits of holiness, purity, justice, humility, obedience, charity, and forgiveness.  Am I a barren fig tree?  Or, worse, do I continue to produce bitter fruits of impurity, injustice, pride, hatred, jealousy and selfishness?

3) Will Jesus need to cleanse my heart with His whip?  Jesus cannot tolerate the desecration of the temple of the Holy Spirit in me by my addiction to uncharitable, unjust and impure thoughts words and deeds; neither does He approve of my calculation of loss and gain in my relationship with God. 

4) Do I welcome Jesus into my heart?  Am I ready to surrender my life to Him during this Holy Week and welcome Him into all areas of my life as my Lord and Savior, singing “Hosanna”?  Today, we receive palm branches at the Divine Liturgy.  Let us take them to our homes and put them some place where we can always see them.  Let the palms remind us that Christ is the King of our families, that Christ is the King of our hearts and that Christ is the only true answer to our quest for happiness and meaning in our lives.  And if we do proclaim Christ as our King, let us try to make time for Him in our daily life; let us be reminded that He is the One with Whom we will be spending eternity.  Let us be reminded further that our careers, our education, our finances, our homes, all of the basic material needs in our lives are only temporary.  Let us prioritize and place Christ the King as the primary concern in our lives.  It is only when we have done this that we will find true peace and happiness in our confused and complex world.

5) Are we ready to become like the humble donkey that carried Jesus?   As we "carry Jesus" to the world, we can expect to receive the same welcome that Jesus received on Palm Sunday, but we must also expect to meet the same opposition, crosses and trials later.  Like the donkey, we are called upon to carry Christ to a world that does not know Him.  Let us always remember that a Christian without Christ is a contradiction in terms.  Such a one betrays the Christian message.  Hence, let us become transparent Christians during this Holy Week, enabling others to see in us Jesus’ universal love, unconditional forgiveness and sacrificial service.

6) Can we face these questions on Palm Sunday? Are we willing to follow Jesus, not just to Church but in our daily life?  Are we willing to entrust ourselves to Him even when the future is frightening or confusing, believing God has a plan? Are we willing to serve Him until that day when His plan on earth is fulfilled? These are the questions of Palm Sunday.  Let us take a fresh look at this familiar event.  We might be surprised at what we see.  It could change us forever.(Source: Fr. Anthony Kadavil)

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