#and esp now that jealousy part 1 is over and i can see that relationship dynamic not tinged w romance its also like mroe of an idnicatory | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gavisuntiedboot · 1 year

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Just Pretend (Gavi x reader)

Part 6

Warnings: Some subtle smut!! Dubious consent!!! Please don't read if you're uncomfortable with unclear consent. Crying during intimacy. Profanity!! Swearing!! Ferran and Martin!!!!!!!!!! ESP MARTIN!!! I'm sorry

Word Count: 11.0K

A/N: please be nice about this one. Is it fantastic? I personally don't think so. But the story needs to progress somehow. God I want to be asleep.

Also, I just want to say that I have taken some, ehem, artistic liberties with time and space in this story. Did you guys know that Real Sociedad is like 5 hours from Barcelona? I didn't. So I don't want to hear any "This is unrealistic because-" shhhh. I know there was a WC this year - I'm pretending there wasn't. I know the Ballon D'or ceremony is in October - surprise, now it's at the end of July. I know it doesn't make any sense for Martin to live next to Gavi because his club is based on the other side of Spain, but for this story, they're neighbors because I said so. Just live in imagination now and suspend your disbelief. Please and thank you <3

"You should start sleeping here."

You looked over your shoulder in confusion, still in the process of tying your shoes.

"What?"

You had never expected Martin to proposition you like this. For the first couple months of you relationship, he had been distant, kind of aloof, just happy to be there, but never exerting much effort into you. The relationship was, for lack of better terms, convenient. But something in him changed when you told him that you had been taking Gavi home. Suddenly, he was ready to become a doting boyfriend. He offered to drive you to work, to bring you lunch, to pick you up from games. If you declined these offers, then he was messaging you, sending you pictures, and he always, without fail, called you on your drive home. You had on multiple times asked him to stop this embarrassing behavior, but it had fallen on deaf ears. He would call you to tell you how much he missed you, how much he wanted to hold you, begging you to come over, all while Gavi squirmed uncomfortably in the passenger seat. Whenever you dropped Gavi off, you would get suggestive text messages, detailing all the things Martin wanted to do to you. Whenever you replied that you weren't in the mood, that you would rather just cuddle and go to bed, you always got the same response:

[Martin]: maybe u should just go home then. come over when ur not tired.

You had now driven Gavi home for 15 days, and Martin was getting stranger and stranger with each passing day. And now, he had gone from seeing you maybe once a week to wanting you to spend the night? You knew jealousy when you saw it, and it was getting on your nerves.

"You drive little Gavi home every day, and then you have to go all the way back to your place. I care about you so much, and I don't want you driving that late at night. So when you leave late, like on match days, you should just spend the night here."

You stood up, moving to grab your coat. You liked Martin, you liked spending time with him, but the idea of spending the night at his place weekly made your stomach uneasy, and you were hit with a wave of nausea.

"I don't know Martin. It's a really sweet offer, but I have a lot of things at my house. It would be a hassle to store scrubs and toiletries and makeup here, and-"

He held his hands up in an 'I surrender' motion, cutting you off.

"Listen, Barca has a game at home this week, don't they? Spend the night here after - try it out. If you don't like it, you can stop." He said, looking at you expectantly. A knot formed in your throat. You wanted to protest, but didn't know how. Martin liked you and put up with you. He was nice to you and was now offering to take your relationship to the next level. So how could you tell him that the idea made you want to throw up?

"Um, yeah, sure. I can do that. I... I need to go now. I'll see you in a few days?"

"Drive safe, baby. I'll text you when I get back from Madrid." He stood from his seat, walking over to you and pulling you into him, placing a deep kiss onto your lips. You returned the sentiment, trying as much as possible to rekindle the spark you felt for Martin when you first met. It was now a dying ember, but one you were desperately trying to keep alive. As weird as he made you feel at times, anything was better than the days when you were alone, sleeping in a cold bed with only the company of the TV and your house plants.

You closed Martin's front door, walking to your car quickly to avoid the bitter winter chill. As soon as you shut the driver door, you pulled up your contacts, looking for Angelika. If you were honest, Martin's overbearing nature had been causing you extreme bouts of anxiety, preventing you from sleeping, causing you to bite your nails bloody whenever the thought of him saying the L word ever crossed your mind. Would you say it back?

You called Angelika, the dial tone ringing throughout your car as you started to drive. After about 4 rings, the line connected.

"Hey, what's up?" She asked, rushed and out of breath, a hint of irritation in her tone.

"Nothing much," you replied, thrown off by the harsh answer. "Are you okay? You sound annoyed."

"I am annoyed. Our model casting director is so fucking incompetent that he thought he could book models for fucking fashion week the week before. So now, all the girls we usually work with and have the measurements for are booked. Taken by Balenciaga and fucking Paco Rabbane."

"I didn't know Balenciaga still showed at Barcelona fashion week." You replied, deciding to park your car on a side street. You slumped back in your seat.

"They don't. Our equally as incompetent head designer failed to mention we had been invited to show in Paris. So now we have no models, no measurements, and we are showing at Paris Fashion Week. I've been sleeping on the couch in the studio all week remaking and altering garments."

"But it's only November. You don't show in Paris until the end of February."

"You think any of the idiots that work above me are going to work from December 15th until January 15th? I need to get everything approved to be part of the collection before they go on vacation or I'm fucked."

"I'm so sorry Ang," you said softly, frowning slightly at your phone. You resonated with her pain - it was soul-crushing to put your best efforts forward and have it hindered by others more powerful than you. You knew how hard she had worked, and how much of a dream PFW had been - now it was becoming a borderline nightmare.

"It's fine, I'll get through it. Did you call for something? Or just a check-in?" She asked, her voice muffled slightly by the whir of the sewing machine. You brought your nails back to your lips, biting down on the surrounding skin.

"Just checking in," you lied, swallowing back your own frustrations, "I hadn't heard from you in a while, so I wanted to make sure you're okay. We should catch up when everything cools down, yeah?" You spoke softly, scared that if you raised your voice any higher you would cry. You felt like you were drowning, overwhelmed by everything going on in your life, crushed by the thousand feelings going on at once, but that was your burden - not Angelika's. You would deal with it by yourself like you usually did.

You exchanged goodbyes with your friend, hanging up the line and then slamming your head into the steering wheel, not caring about the potential bruise that could be forming as a result. The tears were flowing freely now. Your breath was ragged, coming out in short sobs and hiccups as you let out your frustration. The more you thought about the last two weeks, the more it felt like your throat was closing up. Your vision was completely blurry, your knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing keeping you grounded.

Your memories went back to that God forsaken meeting. The one that followed the last home game at Camp Nou, after Ferran had proclaimed rather loudly that you were creating an uncomfortable situation in the locker room. You had arrived at work at 7:15 that day, unable to sleep the night before, spending over an hour in the shower trying to was Martin's grabby touch off your skin, and staring at the ceiling in fear of your reprimanding. You had looked perfect - hair pulled back, uniform scrubs and shoes immaculately clean. You were expecting to be called into Dr. Gonzalez's office some time around 10am, after the players had already began morning training. Rather, you received a sharp knock on your office door at 7:45. Dr. Gonzalez stood there, stoic as usual, and uttered the most terrifying sentence you had heard in recent memory.

"Mister Xavi wants to see you in his office."

You walked behind him like your legs were made of lead. Several of the players greeted you as they passed, but you returned none of it. Your head was swimming in fear - how bad was it that you needed to be in Xavi's office before morning training. As you knocked on the office door, your mouth had gone dry, and you were shaking like a leaf.

"Enter."

Gavi watched your face pale as you entered the room escorted by Dr. G, and he felt a pit form at the base of his stomach. He knew it wasn't necessarily a positive thing for Ferran to have complained about you, but he never thought that the repercussions would be this severe. A meeting in Xavi's office before morning training often meant a firing. He was frozen in place, unmoving long after the office door had shut, the shove from Pedri being the only thing to make his feet move forward.

You and Dr. Gonzalez were instructed to sit in front of Xavi, one of the assistant coaches leaning on the wall behind him. The crossed hands and deep silence sent a chill through you that you couldn't shake from your bones. You had never been in a position like this before: you were the good kid. The kid who never went to speak to the principal unless it was to receive an award. You had been the perfect teacher's pet, who got along with every authority figure you ever encountered. But now, the face of deep disappointment staring at you was one that you had never encountered before.

"Ms. L/N, I believe you understand why you are in here, but I will explain it plainly. I heard that yesterday before the game, there was a situation in which you were escorted from the locker room because o the complaints of a player. I have spoken with this player, and he has informed me that this is not the first time you have made him uncomfortable. In fact, he attributes his worsening performance to discomfort that you have caused."

Your face was pale. You were holding back tears and vomit. You tried to slow your breathing and heart rate, because the last thing you needed was to have an anxiety attack.

"Obviously, this is not a good look. You are a new hire, and we cannot have the auxiliary staff impacting the players. The assistance coaches, Dr. Gonzalez and I all had an extensive conversation about terminating your program contract."

Your heart beat was in your ears, the bile rising in your throat, suffocating you slowly. This was your dream job, in your hands, and it was quickly slipping through your finger tips because one of the players couldn't stand you refusing to sleep with him. The tears were flowing at this point - it was beyond your control. Everything you had every worked for was disappearing before your very eyes.

"However, Dr. Gonzalez and assistant coach Marco here advised me against it. They instructed me to speak to several players, all who had nothing but glowing praise to say about you. Balde said that he would refuse to play if anything were to happen to your job. So, we have decided to keep you here with us. However, we wanted to take this as an opportunity to remind you: players are the priority. You'll be out of the locker room until further notice. If we get any further complaints about you calling issues, we'll have to consider other people. And your pre-work sessions with Gavi? Those will have to stop. Favoritism doesn't contribute to a positive work environment."

You nodded, tears burning your skin as you tried to maintain some semblance of composure in front of the man keeping your job safe. Dr. Gonzalez stood to leave, and you followed him silently. Xavi called to you before you left his office.

"It's your good work that kept you here. But it won't be enough to keep you here."

You slammed your head against the steering wheel again. What else could you do besides be a had worker? The fact that you could no longer meet with Gavi early in the morning also burned a hole in your very being. Though it would never be admitted out loud, it was the only time you felt like you were genuinely needed. A throbbing pain radiated around your head, blurring your vision further and making it even more difficult to see. Your sobs were loud and desperate, the only way air was entering your lungs.

A sudden knock on your window startled you, causing you to turn in fear towards your left. Through teas, you stared at the figure of a man knocking on the window, saying something to you, but the sound was drowned out.

"Get away from me! Leave me alone! Help!"

You screamed at the top of your lungs. You were fully panicked, as the door began to open, you screamed even louder, kicking at the door and the person on the other side.

"What the fuck, Doctora! Stop screaming and stop kicking me!"

The familiar voice made you stop your movements. The blur from your eyes was rubbed away, and Gavi stood before you, a trash bag in one hand and his phone in the other, speaking inaudibly. The sight of a person had never brought you this much intense relief. Instantly, you were more calm, breathing slowing enough for you to hear what he was saying.

"-not safe out here at this time. Are you even listening to me?"

The glow of street lamp light made Gavi look like an angel. His brown locks were shrouded in a golden haze, light eyes piercing into you. Jaw hanging slack, you just stared back at him, face still burning from the salt water on your cheeks. You bit your lip, staring up with still watery eyes, body shivering from all the energy exerted. The fatigue was settling deep in your bones, and you were sure that you looked like a frightened child. Gavi instructed you to stay put, running to throw his trash away before returning to you.

"Doctora, you should come inside."

It wasn't a question. Gavi was leaning over you, turning off your car and taking the keys. A hand reached out before you, gently and waiting for you to accept the invitation and follow him inwards. You looked up at him, the look of concern foreign on his face. Gavi had never seemed this seriously worried or scared before. You gathered your strength, placing your delicate hand in Pablo's. He gripped you firmly, tugging gently to escort you out of the car. Once it was locked, he turned to you again. There was a tension between the two of you that no one could pinpoint. Your heart was hammering against your ribs, so loud you were sure Gavi could feel the thrum through the skin of your palm. Maybe you should have stayed at Martin's. But something in you whispered that you were so, so happy to be standing here with Gavi.

Moving on their own accord, you pulled your hand away, and your arms wrapped around Gavi, embracing him tightly. The boy tensed, not expecting the sudden display of affection. He stood there for a moment as you clung to him, arms shaking, breath slowing down as he held you. As you calmed, Gavi's heart rate increased steadily. As your friendship continued to grow, the two of you had become more comfortable with things such as fist bumps. But this was entirely new. He brought his arms up and pulled you into him, biceps enveloping you, and chest providing you comfort. As your head rested against the soft fabric of his sweatshirt, you took a deep breath, smelling in the scent of Gavi, showered and faintly fragranced after practice.

You had scared Pablo half to death. All he wanted to do was sit and relax. He had seen you before you went into Xavi's office, face looking like you had seen a ghost. He had worried about you all practice. Normally you were glowing: smiling at everyone in the early morning as you sipped your coffee and finished the notes. Sometimes you even danced through Camp Nou, playlist keeping yo hyped despite the early hours. But recently, it felt like Pablo was watching you wither away. You smiled less, you came in with darker circles, and you looked like you were consistently on the verge of tears. He wanted to blame Martin, but he knew that working with the team played a big part of it.

After Ferran's complaint, he had run to the assistant coaches, trying to figure out what the repercussions could be. He was frazzled in practice, wondering if he and the boys had done enough to prevent you losing your position. Gavi became more aggressive. He starting losing his footing more, slipping and falling more frequently, and pushing the boundaries with his teammates. So what if he broke Ferran's kneecap? It's not like he would be debilitating a phenomenal contributor to the team. Lewy spoke to him multiple times, telling him to take it easy, because the aggression did nothing but make him look bad. Pedri told him that hurting Ferran would not erase his complaint against you. But it didn't matter. Gavi still pushed.

This was the first time he had seen you since you walked into Xavi's office. You had sent him a text telling him to find other arrangements for getting home for the next couple of days. This led to some embarrassing shots of him leaving Camp Nou in a taxi, and Pedri took pity on him, driving him home the following day. All his check-up texts had gotten curt responses, and he felt an ache in his chest that he didn't understand. Ever since his little self-love session, he had slowly but surely come to the realization that he wanted to be more than just friends with you. He had tried to keep this information to himself. Gavi knew what his friends would say: he was just being horny and 18, falling for the first girl that had given him a little attention. But he knew that wasn't the case.

Gavi had been around girls. Growing up, his sister's friends talked to him like a little pet. They let him hang around, allowing him to get closer to a lot of the prettiest girls in the town. The older he got, the easier it was to get girls. I'm in La Masia, I'm on the Barca B team, I play with Pedri. Now it was easier than ever. Models, actresses, singers, and other pretty girls threw themselves at his feet, in person and through DMs. There were hundreds of women willing to give him attention. But you? Oh. You were someone he wanted to chase. Someone who made him excited to wake up in the morning, someone that made electricity dance across his skin every time you touched him. You were ambitious and confident and determined. He didn't just like you. He respected you. He desired you. He craved you.

It had been no easy thing confessing this to Pedri. Gavi looked at his loosened laces the entire time, avoiding Pedri's smirk. He had known for literal months that Pablo wanted you. It was obvious to anyone who had seen the two of you interact. He told Pablo as much, making the younger boy blush and cross his arms over his chest. After the teasing had died down, the serious talk began.

"You can't do anything until she doesn't have a boyfriend anymore."

Gavi had texted you that night about meeting him for an early morning session, inventing a new slew of muscle discomforts.

[Doctora]: Can't do before work meetings anymore. Xavi's orders. Come in at 8am exactly if you're in pain.

To say he was crushed was an understatement. Over the past two weeks that you had been driving him, he had gotten closer to you. He learned about your favorite things to cook, about your relationship with your parents, and about what high school was like for you. He has learned that you frequently stopped at the drive-thru to get a post-practice hot tea and a muffin. He found out that you had given up drinking for good. Over two weeks he had watched the string connecting the two of you grow brighter. Now it was being snipped before his very eyes. It felt like he was losing you.

"Let me know if our little nurse likes fucking in the front or back seat more, Pablito. So I know whether to pick her up from Martin's in the two-seater or the SUV. He said he'd be willing to share with me when she finally gives it up. He'd probably let you get a slice of that ass as well."

Ferran couldn't react before he was slammed up against the locker. The sound reverberated around the room, alerting the two or three other boys who were also slow to change after training. Gavi's forearm was pressed into Ferran's throat, making the older boy go pink in the face and claw at his arm for air.

"If you say one more nasty thing about her, as God is my witness, I will dislocate both of your hips from their sockets regardless of who is watching. I will kick you in the teeth so fucking hard your grandchildren will need extensive dental work. Now shut the fuck up, get changed, and go home and jerk off to your own Instagram selfies."

Now he was standing under the street lamp beside his house holding you in his arms. The string was stronger and brighter than ever, wrapped around the two of you. Seeing you slam your head against the steering wheel concerned him, and having you kick and scream at him made you think you were at the end of your rope, terrifying him. Now he brought you closer to his heart, clutching your shaking frame, breathing in your shampoo and the relief that you were okay. He didn't know if he was capable of letting you go. He swallowed the large knot forming in his throat.

"Did... did you come here to see me?"

You looked up at Gavi, arms still around him, albeit shaking.

"I..." You weren't sure what to say. "I just left Martin's house. I was feeling overwhelmed and I just ... started driving. Guess it was muscle memory that brought me here."

You watched an unknown emotion fill Gavi's eyes. Was he annoyed that you came to his street? The closeness of your bodies registered in your brain, and you took a step back, looking awkwardly at your feet. No matter how comfortable he made you feel, there was a line you shouldn't cross. Not only were you two coworkers, but you had a boyfriend who you knew would not be happy if he ever found out about this "under the street light" 40's movie embrace.

"I should probably go home. Um, sorry to bother you."

"No wait-" Gavi said, grasping your arm once more. He stopped you in your tracks, keeping a firm hold on you. He couldn't let you leave. Not now. Not while you were like this.

"You're obviously distressed. I don't want you to drive home right now."

You shook your head, but made no effort to remove his hand from you.

"No no, I'm fine. I should really-"

Gavi shook his head viscously.

"No I'm serious. You were having a panic attack in your car. At least... At least come inside and eat something. Maybe have some tea? Anything. I just... want to make sure that you're okay before you leave me."

With wide eyes, you looked up at Gavi after this statement. His cheeks burned, realizing he had slipped up.

"Leave my house. Just come inside."

His hand traveled from your bicep to your hand, holding it and tugging you behind him towards the house. You followed him silently, allowing yourself to be pulled into Gavi's orbit. The dim lighting of the house and the sounds from the TV made you feel more at peace. Despite it being a bachelor pad, you felt like you were walking into a home.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything." You said softly as you moved to slip off your shoes, stopping mid way. Gavi turned around, raining an eyebrow at you bent over in contemplation as he kicked off his Nikes. Your eyes widened in awe.

"You take your shoes off inside?"

"Yeah? Why wouldn't I?"

"Martin told me I was weird for taking off my shoes indoors. He said it's not a thing in Spain."

Gavi barked out a dry laugh, walking to his kitchen and switching on the lights.

"So it's a Spanish thing to track mud and dirt into the house? Take off your shoes, Doctora. Make yourself at home."

You smiled to yourself, brushing your hair behind your ear and unlacing your shoes. You watch Gavi pick up a shaker bottle, hopping onto the counter and and taking a sip. It was your turned to be confused.

"A protein shake? At this hour?"

"Yeah. It's my dinner. Want one?"

"Pablo!" The disbelief was evident on your face and in your voice. You had been working with the nutritionists recently to revise the daily calorie intake for all the players. Gavi needed about 4000 a day. There was no way he was drinking all of them in shakes.

"You need to have a proper dinner! No wonder you're always blowing your muscles out. Where is the dietary fiber? Where are the fats? Do you even have food in the fridge?"

He takes another swig of his protein shake, hopping off the counter. You open the fridge, scanning the shelves. He stands behind you, His chest mere inches from your back.

"Yeah, someone drops groceries off every couple of weeks, but I'm a shit cook. But if you want something for dinner, I can try. Wouldn't want you to go hungry."

You turn to face gave, your faces close enough to feel each others' breath. It was ironic that at this time, a thought crossed your mind: Martin, despite bragging about his cooking skills extensively, had never even fried you an egg.

"I'm a pretty good cook. Want to eat something other than protein powder this evening?"

Gavi looked into your eyes, noticing the redness that lingered from crying. He nodded his head slowly, then looked at your forehead. There was a red spot that had formed with a slight bump from where you hit the wheel. He brought one hand up, caressing the spot with his thumb. It sent a shock through your system. Why was Gavi's touch having such an effect on you?

You spent the next half and hour cooking, with Gavi sitting on the counter, making idle conversation. He loved watching the way you moved, the way that your eyes narrowed in concentration. When you were finished, you picked up both the plates and moved in front of the TV. He followed you like a puppy, watching as you sat on the couch with your feet beneath you. You rubbed your arms together, trying to create some sort of warmth. The exhaustion of working and cooking (with a breakdown in the middle) had set in, causing a chill to wash over you. As he moved to take a bite of the arroz con pollo that you had cooked up, he looked over at you, watching you shiver slightly.

Your eyes followed Gavi as he put the plate down, running to his bedroom, re-emerging with a black hoodie.

"Here, put this on. I don't want you freezing in my home."

You took the garment from him and looked at it. The material was soft in your hands, the smell of Gavi making its way to you. You slipped it over your head, feeling warmth instantly, both internally and externally. It wasn't much - just a hoodie. Any decent friend would have given you one in the cold. But it was more than that. It was that Gavi wanted you to be safe and fed and warm. It was that he was always looking over at you, noticing things without you asking. Maybe this was close friendship, something you were lacking at the present moment. But something felt different. None of your other friends made you feel this way. You never felt a longing to see them like you did with Gavi. You never felt a hold in your chest and an emptiness in your life when they weren't around. So what was it about Gavi.

The two of you ate in silence, watching the show that Gavi had playing on the TV. It was an old Spanish telenovela, something from the early 90s, where a girl from the farmlands moves to the city, and she is caught in a love triangle between her childhood friend and the CEO of a major company in the city.

"Is this show not a little... feminine for you?"

Gavi rolled his eyes at your teasing. "It's the only thing on when I'm home. It's so predictable that it doesn't matter if I miss an episode, because I already basically know the whole show plot."

"Oh really mister psychic? What's going to happen in the show then?"

You placed your plate on the coffee table, leaning back onto the couch, pulling Gavi's hoodie tighter around you. He grabbed a blanket from beside him, draping it over the two of you.

"She thinks that she's not good enough for Xavier, the CEO, so she's going to go back to farm boy Matthias and be with him. But she's going to realize that she's not happy with Matthias because he wants her to be this woman that she's not. So she's going to run from the farm back into Xavier's arms and kiss him, telling him that he accepts her for who she really is."

Your jaw dropped slightly, looking at Gavi in awe. You had never seen a teenage boy so invested in a TV romance. He looked over at you, suddenly shy under your gaze.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because... how do you know that's what's going to happen?"

"Besides the fact that this telenovela has been out for like 20 years and it's cliche as fuck? Because it's obvious. Matthias keeps making all these little comments and asking Dorinda to change all these things about herself. A relationship can never survive if they don't like you for you, ya know?"

You muttered out a slight 'mhm' before pulling the blanket higher up and turning back to the TV. Gavi sat back as well, and the two of you fell into a comfortable silence, you curled up in a ball, him with his arms draped over the back of the couch, distance just big enough between the two of you to be respectful. As you waited for the next episode to begin, Gavi shifted to look at you.

"So... are we going to talk about the breakdown you had in your car? Or we can pretend it never happened. That also works."

You looked at Gavi, who stared at you with genuine concern and sympathy. His features were soft, eyes scanning you with concern.

"I don't want to burden you with my woes, Pablo. I was just having a moment. I'll get over it eventually."

"You could never be a burden, doctora. Now that we're friends, we get to talk to each other about stuff besides my tight hamstrings. What's going on? You've been... different lately. Ever since your meeting with Xavi."

Gavi watched you bite your lip, fiddling with your fingers in your lap. You took a deep breath before recounting what occurred during the meeting. You watched Gavi grow more and more angry, the heat radiating from his body.

"I just..." The tightness in your chest was so overwhelming. You were done holding back everything you had been feeling. You look up at Gavi, eyes wide and desperate and watery.

"I have been told my whole life that I had to work hard and I would get what I wanted. Just study hard in school and do well in university and do your job well and you'll get everything you dreamed of. But it's not true. I worked my ass off in school and university, and still they only wanted me to intern with the women's teams. I kill myself at this job every day, balancing this with my schoolwork to get my license, and do I get any recognition? No. I get mocked and harassed. I get called a nurse. And my boyfriend..."

You trailed off, and Gavi waited for you to continue. He didn't want any of this to weigh on you any longer. With a sigh you kept going.

"My boyfriend is telling me I'm delusional for being upset. On the rare occasions that he lets me complain to him, he tells me it's my fault. My scrubs are too tight, so Ferran has every right to grab my ass."

"Wait, he's been touching you? I'm going to kill him."

Gavi made a move to get up, but you leaned over, crossing your arm across his chest and keeping him seated.

"You don't have to protect me Gavi. I can handle it."

"How? How can you handle it? One word from fucking Ferran almost got you fired! How are you supposed to get him to stop groping you. And more importantly, why is that your job? You have a man in your life who is supposed to protect you and make sure no harm comes to you. But your sorry sack of shit boyfriend is too busy sucking Ferran's microdick to take care of his girl." He said, face red as he leaned back on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest.

"It's okay, Pablo. I can take care of myself." A tear finally rolled down your cheek.

"I know you can, Doctora. I know you could take on the world if you wanted to. But you shouldn't have to. You deserve to be loved and spoiled. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

You couldn't say anything. No one had ever spoken to you the way Pablo did. No one - not your family, not your friends, not your boyfriend - had ever taken the time to remind you that you were worth of love. The warmth in your chest you had felt all night started spreading through your veins, making its way through your whole body. You felt safe. You didn't trust yourself to speak, so you got up from your seat on the couch and walked to Pablo, leaning over and hugging him. This time he reacted much quicker, welcoming the embrace, rubbing your back softly. You separated and sat next to him again, this time much closer. Close enough for him to pull you into his side if he wanted. His left arm erupted in goosebumps as he resisted the urge.

The silence remained comfortable as you two watched the telenovela, four or five inches all that separated Gavi from your touch. As the night dragged on, your eyelids felt heavier, and your blinks got longer as sleep overtook you. You didn't even feel it when you dozed off, your body slumping sideways. But Gavi felt it as you fell onto his shoulder, breathing deeply. He spoke your name quietly, gaging your consciousness. When you didn't respond, he made a move to look at you, but your soft groan made him sit back. You were asleep on his shoulder.

The weight on his shoulder felt like nothing as he watched you sleep. The TV light was illuminating your features, bathing you in a soft ethereal light. Your hair fell in front of your face, and he moved it gently out of your way to make sure you weren't bothered in your sleep. You snuggled deeper into him, and in doing so, resting your head by his neck. Gavi tried to breathe softly, his whole body tense as to not disturb your sleep.

He tried to convince himself all week that you were just hot. You were just good looking and he wanted you physically - nothing more. But he couldn't because when the thought of you, it was rarely in a sexual manner. He was always imagining situations like this: you cooking with him, cuddling with him on the couch while watching TV, taking naps with him. He was imagining the domestic bliss that all his teammates gushed about. He was imagining waking up to you in the morning and kissing the sleep from your eyes. He dreamed of brushing his teeth beside you as you both messed around before bed. He wanted to look by the stands and point to you, letting you and the whole world know that everything, all of it, it was all for you.

An hour later, when he was sure you were asleep, Gavi tried to shift you slightly. His shoulder began to ache, and he wanted you to get a decent night's sleep. He lifted your head gently, but you stirred in your sleep.

"Pablo... are you leaving?" You mutter, eyes still closed.

His heart felt like it could burst. You looked so small and innocent, so helpless, that Gavi wanted to pick you up in his arms and protect you from the entire world. He never wanted to let anything or anyone, not Ferran or Martin or even Xavi, come near you again.

"Of course not, doctora. I'll always be here for you."

You groaned again before laying down, this time draping yourself across Gavi's lap and cuddling into his thigh. Gavi surrendered, understanding that he would be sleeping on the couch with you on his lap, because in all honesty, it was the only place on Earth that he wanted to be. He set an alarm for 5:30am, and then laid back, one hand rubbing your back as he prepared to dream about you.

You woke to the sound of a phone alarm. The warmth all around you was inviting you to stay asleep, but you opened your eyes nonetheless, coming face to face with a pair of Barca shorts. You shot straight up, looking at Gavi, who was rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Good morning."

You opened and closed your mouth like a fish out of water. You had fallen asleep in Gavi's house. In Gavi's clothes. On Gavi's lap.

"I have to go. I'll see you at work."

You grabbed your phone and keys and ran for the door, not even waiting for his response. You drove to your house, going to jump in the shower to reset before work. This had happened before. You had slept next to Martin, coming home the next day and scrubbing your skin off in the shower, wanting to rid yourself of the night before. But as you looked down to strip, you saw Gavi's black hoodie, which you had been too rushed to give back, and you didn't want to take it off. It felt like warmth and safety and something else that you couldn't name. But you removed the garment carefully, folding it on your bed, and treating your skin gently, like a thing to be preserved.

~~~

You wore Gavi's hoodie for the rest of the week. You put it on before you left the house, and left it in your car before walking into work. You put it on once again when you got back to the car. Gavi mocked you for it on the first day, teasing about how you couldn't live without him. You just looked away in embarrassment, unable to admit that, now that your morning sessions were gone, wearing his hoodie on your drives made you feel connected to him in a different way. It secretly made Gavi swell with pride. It scratched the possessive part of his brain, the one that wanted you to just be his. You always made sure to hide it before driving over to Martin's. You had been bickering more recently, and you didn't want to do anything else to set him off, because you knew he would never even attempt to understand that you wearing Gavi's clothes wasn't a romantic gesture.

It was match day at Camp Nou, which usually brought you excitement, but not today. No, today was the fated day that you would have to choose between your team and your boyfriend: It was Barca vs Real Sociedad day. You had been anxious since the previous evening, wondering how it would be for Martin and Gavi to be on the field together after their falling out many weeks ago. The nerves had shaken you so much that your (Gavi's) black player hoodie remained on. You ran around all morning, doing muscle and flexibility tests, and setting up your station on the side of the field. As the players lined up in the tunnel, you walked through, making sure that everyone was taken care of. You approached the front where Gavi stood, but before you could say anything to him, a voice called out to you.

"Baby! What're you doing in the tunnel? Shouldn't you be in a clinic somewhere?"

Despite him trying to put on a cute tone, you couldn't help but be offended by Martin's words. He was essentially calling you a nurse once again, this time in front of two major La Liga teams. The snickers were not lost to you. You turned around and smiled softly at Martin, greeting him. He tried to pull you in for a kiss, but you flinched away.

"Martin, not here, carino. I'm at work." You tried to leave, but he grabs your wrist, stopping you. His fingers dug into your wrist, causing pain to shoot through your arm. You turned to look at him, unable to tug your arm away.

"Not going to wish me good luck, sexy? Maybe after watching them practice you don't think I need it."

"He who talks shit first, eats shit first." Gavi's voice said behind you. You leaned into Martin, giving him a kiss on the cheek, and wishing him good luck. He pulls on your hoodie, which you had forgotten you were wearing until it's between his fingers.

"What's this? Isn't this for players? Why are you wearing this?" He asked, eyes dark with anger. He looked at the pocket and noticed the '6' embroidered into the fabric.

"Oh, they had a few made for the staff as well. I need to go and set up by the field." You scurried away from Martin, trying to avoid the stares of everyone around you. You needed to focus on doing your job, not on your relationship drama.

Despite your exit, drama was still bubbling in the tunnel. Martin and Ferran stood next to each other, talking rather loudly to Gavi's dismay. They recapped their boring and alcohol-fueled lives, and Gavi tried to tune them out, getting in the headspace for the game, until they mentioned you.

"You hit yet? Come on, hermano. She sleeps next to you all the time. What are you waiting for?"

"I'm trying. I think I'm going to seal it tonight - no matter what I have to do. She doesn't do booze anymore, so it's been harder than usual. If we win tonight, it's going to be the icing on the cake."

Gavi felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to face Pedri, who looked at him disapprovingly.

"Whatever you do, don't get a fucking red. We play Madrid soon."

The game began, and it was rough from the first whistle. Sociedad was playing extremely rough, getting 17 fouls in the first half alone. They were not being merciful in the slightest. Martin and Gavi were on each other on the front left wing, slamming into each other at every opportunity. You rushed on the field for a few head collisions, but otherwise, you spent the game on the sidelines. In the 78th minute, the score was 1-0 to Barca, and they were about to take a corner kick. Martin was on Gavi, with Ferran occupying close space in the box.

"Get out of the way Pablito, the big boys are playing." Martin taunted in his ear. Gavi shrugged off the comment, tracking the movements of Frenkie, who was about to take the kick. That was until he felt himself be shoved in the neck. He turned to Martin, who was staring at him smugly, before shoving him back. Hard. Sociedad and Barca players start to crowd around the two, who are up in each other's faces, inches away from blows. The teams are trying to hold their star players back.

"What the fuck is your problem, cabron? Can't score a fucking goal, so now you want to wrestle?"

Martin breaks free from his teammates, grabbing Gavi by the neck. Ferran watches the two, not interfering as the referee ran towards them, blowing his whistle like crazy. You watch from the sideline, biting your nails to the beds.

"I want you to fuck off and stop eye-fucking my girlfriend. She won't touch your baby dick, Pablito."

The ref is the one to pull Martin off Gavi's neck, presenting him with a red card and sending him off.

"I'm never going to hit you on the field Zubimendi. So you better avoid me when we're not on grass, because I'll knock your fucking teeth out."

Gavi turned to Ferran, who was still watching the interaction. "You've got no fucking loyalty, Torres. And it will bite you in the ass one day. Soon."

~~~

Your drive home with Martin was silent. You didn't know what to say to him. You were terrified to utter Gavi's name, because you knew it would open up the topic of the hoodie again, and you weren't ready to be yelled at. At the end of the game, you kissed Martin on the cheek. You looked past him and saw Gavi, celebrating with the rest of the boys with faint bruises on his neck. You wanted to run over and apologize, but you couldn't, because the man you should be caring about was dragging you off the field.

You unpack your things from your car as Martin walks into the house, not bothering to wait for you. He is eager to get in the shower and wash away the humiliating 3-0 loss he just suffered at the hands of his 'enemy' Gavi no less. You entered the house, staring at the cold, eggshell walls with posters of Martin hanging on them, and a chill ran down your spine. There was something hostile and uninviting about the house. You always wanted to run away, like it was haunted by the spirit of something pushing you out. You changed your clothes, sitting in bed and waiting for Martin to join you. Scrolling through Instagram, you liked all the victory posts on your feed, wanting to support your team, even if you were sleeping with the enemy.

[Gavi]: Hey

[Gavi]: I saw u leave w martin ... hope ur ok

[Gavi]: sorry about fighting on the field

You smiled as you opened the messages from Gavi. Despite their fight, he was still putting aside his hatred of the man to make sure you were okay. Before you could answer, the bathroom door opened, causing you to hastily lock your phone and throw it to the bedside table.

[Doctora]: Read - 11:07pm

Martin approached you in just his towel, still slightly damp. He opened the drawer next to you, pulling out a travel shot of Fireball and throwing it back quickly. He then got on the bed, moving to straddle you, trapping you under his body weight.

"Bonita... you know we've been dating for months now and you still haven't asked me to fuck you?" He said, voice low and sultry. You bit your lip, unsure how to respond. You looked up at him through long lashes.

"I have to ask for you to fuck me? I thought you would be the one to ask if you wanted to do it."

"You don't want to baby?"

You were unsure how to reply. You had never looked at Martin and had the carnal urge to strip him down and have him take you, but sex was supposed to be a normal part of relationships. Maybe you had been unfairly denying Martin of essentially his right.

"I'm... too shy to ask for something like that."

Martin grinned from ear to ear. He licked his lips, bending down and capturing yours in a wet kiss. He was rough and fast, not wanting to waste any time. He tore off the blankets that surrounded you, slowly unbuttoning your shirt. This was the farthest the two of you had gone. He allowed his towel to drop, leaning back to let you admire his already hard cock. You looked at it for a moment before remembering that you should be impressed. You widened your eyes and parted your lips, making a comment about how big it was, and you watched him throb. He stripped you out of the rest of your clothes, kissing your skin roughly. You reciprocated, closing your eyes and sucking on his neck. He moved away, grabbing your chin.

"No markings, baby. You know better."

Gavi sat on his couch at home, TV playing in the background as he stared at the dent beside him. Your imprint was there, although faint. He thought back to that night - the closeness he felt to you, both physically and emotionally. He knew he should have kissed you, confessed his feelings, told you to forget Martin ever existed and be happy with a Barca boyfriend. But he couldn't. He couldn't form the words to tell you that you were the very light that brightened his days, and the cool breeze that soothed him to sleep. He couldn't tell you that every moment he wasn't focused on a ball, he was thinking about you. About the way you laughed and spoke and moved. About the curve of your lips he was desperate to trace with the tip of his tongue. About the way your hair felt beneath his fingertips as he played with it while you slept. He couldn't do it. So he stared at your spot on the couch, glancing over at his phone regularly, waiting for the 'Read' to turn into three typing dots that turned into a little gray bubble filled with your words to him. Just for him.

You lay before Martin completely naked, eyes glued shut. You tried to focus on the feeling more than the person. You let our little moans when he kissed your breasts, trying to encourage him as much as possible so that he would go faster and be done quicker. You heard the sound of a wrapper ripping, and he rolled it on while speaking to you.

"Ready baby?" "Yeah, I think so."

He slipped inside you quickly, groaning into your neck about how warm and tight you were. You kept your eyes shut. You had flashbacks to the couch in the basement. The tears started to prick and burn at your eyes, and you let one fall. He licked it off of you, laughing in satisfaction.

"Is this cock too much for you baby? You crying cause I'm too big? Fuck that's so hot." He said, as he continued thrusting in with no pace or rhythm. You brought your legs up around him, pushing him closer to you, hoping to make him bust quick so that you could go to bed. With eyes still shut, you saw someone else. You saw hazel eyes shining in artificial yellow light, and you clenched around your boyfriend.

"Ugh yeah baby just like that."

The eyes were now replaced by lips, soft and pink, separating into the most captivating smile.

"I'm close baby, so close."

You wished Martin was one of those men who was silent in bed. You wanted to shush him, tell him that the sexy lips in your imagination were about to speak, but you just continued rocking your hips to the makeshift rhythm. The lips parted, a tongue poking out to wet them, before they spoke to you.

"Doctora."

You clenched hard around your boyfriend, pressing him deep inside you, and that was it. He let out a high pitched groan as he came into the condom. He collapsed on top of you, and you allowed your eyes to open, another tear falling, which was quickly wiped away by Martin.

"That was great, baby. Totally worth the wait. Never knew it could be so hot watching you cry."

He rolled off of you and went to sleep, but you were wide awake.

[Doctora]: sorry for the late response

[Doctora]: phone died :(

[Doctora]: yeah im fine

[Doctora]: hope martin didnt hurt u too bad... Sweet dreams Pablo

[Gavi]: Same to u doctora <3

You didn't sleep that night. You watched the clock tick on until 5am, getting in your car and driving to your place. You stripped, throwing everything martin had touched in the hamper. If they weren't your work clothes, they would be in a donation bin. You stepping into the shower and began your hour long scrub. As you moved closer to your upper thighs, tears began welling up again. You didn't regret having sex with Martin, because that's what couples do. But you cried anyways. You cried because you had felt light a fleshlight the way he pumped and dumped in 2 minutes. You cried because he couldn't even ask 'Did you cum?' like some sleazy frat boy who rubbed your left lip vigorously for 15 seconds. You cried because you had sex with your committed boyfriend, and the only way to enjoy it was to close your eyes and think of the boy at your job. You scrubbed your skin raw, pinpricks of blood appearing on your upper thighs.

~~~

Over the next two weeks, you had sex with Martin three more times. Every time, it was the same result. He entered you, you teared up, you closed your eyes and pictured Gavi, and Martin came in under 3 minutes. It had made interacting with Gavi awkward to say the least. When driving him home, you did you best to focus only on the road, trying not to look at his hands or his thighs or his God forsaken lips. After the last game you attended, you were determined not to look at him at all while he was in the car, until he discovered that was your last game before the break.

"You're not coming to our game against Sevilla? Why not? It's the last one before the Christmas and international break."

You had to look at him at this point, but you wished you hadn't. He looked so adorable and pouty, eyes wide with longing. Gavi wouldn't get to see you after this if you weren't at the next game, seeing as he would be going directly from Barca training to Spain National team training.

"My last exam conflicts with it. I'll be able to catch the second half on TV, but there's no way for me to actually go."

"So this is it then? Until January?" He asked, voice low and sad-sounding. He didn't want to let you go. He didn't want to spend the next month away from you. He didn't want to think about the fact that you would be in Martin's arms for the entirety of that break.

"Try not to miss me too much, Pablo. I'll be back before you know it. Kick ass on Tuesday."

He leaned over the dash, hugging you tightly to his chest. You closed your eyes, making sure that you racing heart could not be felt by the boy hugging you tight. Gavi hoped that you would not notice how shaky he was. He didn't want you to know how nervous he was to be initiating a hug with you.

"Oh, before I forget, here you go." You said, reaching into the back and handing him his hoodie. Gavi felt his heart break. For a month you had worn his hoodie almost daily. Why would you return it now? Every time he felt he was getting closer to you, something was snapping the string between you and pulling you away. Did you not want to associate with him anymore?

"I feel bad, keeping your hoodie when it was never given to me. So I wanted to return it to its owner."

Gavi looked at you and smiled. You were so fucking cute. He took the hoodie from you, then reached into his bag, pulling out his body spray. He drenched the hoodie, then folded it back up and held it in front of you.

"I am officially giving you this hoodie. I hope it brings you comfort and warmth. And makes you think of me." He ends with a wink, and you giggle. He leaves your car, sparing you once last glance before waving you off. You left Gavi with butterflies in your stomach.

This is how you found yourself sitting at home, in underwear, tube socks, and Gavi's hoodie, watching the Barca match. You got out of your exam 15 minutes early, giving you enough time to get home and change. You loved watching the games on TV - the announcers made it much more entertaining. You weren't sure if you were hyper-focused on him or the camera just loved Gavi today, but he seemed to be the subject of every zoom-in. He looked so much better from this angle: thick arms wrapped in the tight sleeves of his shirt, sweat dripping from his forehead, hair slicked back and showing off his sculpted face. You pulled up his sweater, breathing in the smell deeply, and subconsciously bringing your thighs together.

The longer you watched the match, the more turned on you became. You started scrolling through Instagram during the game, looking at the fan accounts who posted pictures of Gavi. You stopped on one post in particular. It was a looping video, which showed Gavi on his knees on the field. He lifts his shirt to wipe his face, exposing his V-line. You thought that was the end, almost scrolling before you see it. Gavi runs his tongue across the inside of his mouth, and then proceeds to spit on the field. it was not uncommon for players to spit on the grass, but this was different. The fat glob of Gavi's saliva created a trail from his lips.

You watched the video again. And again. And again and again. You couldn't stop. Your hand traveled down your torso, toying with your nipples, until you reached the hem of your panties. As the video started again, you dipped your fingers past the waistband, feeling instantly how slick you were. Your cheeks burned with guilt - Gavi was your friend. He was someone you worked he. He was several years younger than you. And yet, you moved your fingers against your clit watching him spit on the grass. Your eyes fluttered shut, as you remembered the feel of hugging Pablo, the feel of him against your chest. The beat of his heart. The sound of his voice calling out your name. His raspy 'Good morning'. Would he sound like that when he was struggling to remain in control? You moved faster, soft moans leaving your lips as you worked yourself into a frenzy. You were getting closer, hearing Gavi in your head, until..

Incoming Call: Gavi

You wretched your hand away, embarrassed with yourself for getting off to the thought of your friend, while you had a boyfriend nonetheless. You took a deep breath, wiping your face with your clean hand, and picked up the call.

"Hello?"

"Doctora!! did you see the game? Are you home? How was the exam?"

"Uh... what do I answer first?"

"Actually, you can tell me when you see me. You need to come to Camp Nou."

This made you sit up straight. "I need to what?"

"I need some... emergency care. You need to get here as soon as possible."

You arrived to the stadium frantic, in Gavi's hoodie, some sneakers, and some sweats. You burst into Dr. Gonzalez's office, seeing three doctors all crowded around Gavi. When they parted, you gasped. He had a black eye, dried blood in a streak beneath his eye.

"What the fuck did you do?" You asked, putting on gloves so that you could get cleaning.

"I took a header that was, uhm... kind of low."

You started cleaning with an alcohol wipe, eliciting a hiss from Gavi.

"How low? The grass?"

Gavi went silent, and you groaned and rolled your eyes. You turned to look at the other doctors present.

"Did you guys call me in on my day off to clean up some dried blood and apply a bandage?"

Turns out, you were the only person on staff that could make sure he didn't have any orbital or internal bleeding in his skull. You allowed the rest of the medical staff to take off as you ran tests on Gavi and his swollen eye.

"So, doctora, any plans for the break?"

"I'm probably going to spend it with Martin, since he will be free for all of it."

Gavi scoffed at this. "Right, because he didn't get called for the national team. He gets a month long vacation now."

"He plays the same position as you, Gavi. I knew he would never get chosen over you. You're Spain's golden boy."

Gavi crossed his arms over his chest in satisfaction.

"Damn straight."

~~~

You drove Gavi home, blasting some of your favorite music from college through your car's speakers. You wanted to roll the windows down, but Gavi reminded you that December in Barcelona was not the best time for that.

"LISTEN BABY THIS A LAMBOURGHINI NOT A BENZ, I DON'T EVEN GET THE TIME TO FUCK YOU ON THE WEEKEND-"

"Alright I'm going inside my house I can't stand the yelling," Gavi laughs out as he exits your car. You lower the volume and exit the car as well. You walk over to Gavi, giving him a tight hug. Neither of you wanted to let go.

"Good luck, Pablo. You're going to do amazing. When do you go to Switzerland?" You asked, looking at the pavement rather than into his eyes. You were still embarrassed from your earlier activities regarding picturing Gavi's face.

"We leave in three days, so you don't need to start missing me until Friday night. Until then, you know where I live if you start going through Gavi withdrawals." You both laughed lightly, an awkward silence settling between you two. He was the first to move, lifting a hand to wave and he began walking towards the door. You got back in your car, trying to call Martin. He didn't respond, but you had his location. He was at home according to Find my Friends. You decided to go to his place and surprise him, starting the break together with him. Maybe the two of you could go out and celebrate - him the halfway mark of the season, and you the end of exams.

Gavi sighed when he cam back into his house, slumping onto his couch. He looked once again at the spot where you slept. There was that fucking ache again. He felt a gnawing at his soul when you weren't around - something akin to guilt. It's like the universe was asking him 'why'. Why didn't you tell her that her boyfriend is hot garbage and you could be everything that she needed? Why didn't you kiss her the thousand times you had a chance? He felt a pang from his eye - the ibuprofen must be wearing off. He reached into his bag to find the bottle and pop another, when he feels an envelope. He was instantly curious - when did someone have access to his bag to slip this in?

To Pablo, From Dr <3

He ripped open the top, and out came a letter and a printed photo. It was a picture that someone from the media team had taken when you first started working there, right after the summer international break. Gavi was stretched on the table, with you behind him, helping him stretch out. You both wore deep scowls, your distain for each other evident then. The note was short, and read:

To Pablo G,

Happy Holidays and Happy Break! My salary can't buy you a better gift than you can buy yourself, so here is a picture from the beginning days of our dynamic friendship duo. Maybe we should go back to hating each other - we both look really hot when we frown.

Love, your favorite Physio <3

Gavi, the teenager that he still was, hugged the photo and letter to his chest, his smile so wide it hurt his face. You were thinking about him. You thought about him enough to find a gift, get it for him, and slip it into his bag during his eye exam. Fuck, what should he get you?

His train of thought was cut off by screaming and banging on his door.

"Pablo! Let me in! Get the fuck away from me!"

It was your voice. You were screaming at the top of your lungs, your voice hoarse - like you had been sobbing. Gavi leaped off his couch, running to the door and flinging it open. He felt the wait of you fall into his chest, your body wracked with sobs. Your legs weren't strong enough to keep you standing, so he held up your weight. He clutched you tightly, wanting to keep you safe. He looked up, and he saw who it was you were running screaming from: Martin.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Hey y'all!! Hope you enjoy part 6!! Maybe I shouldn't say this because I made y'all wait for so long, but I don't think this part is as good as the last one. Part 7 gonna be a Banger tho. Anyways, please let me know your comments, thoughts, feedback, and theories in the replies or in my ask box!!! I love reading everything you guys think about this series!! Also, I love when people find little details/ easter eggs in the writing, so do w that info what you will. Next part won't take nearly as long. Have a great night y'all see u soooooon <<<<33333

Also please comment if you want to be added to the taglist ok bye

*~*Taglist*~*

@l0verl4ne @vibinwkay @anastasia-nova @mxgvmiii @mads-grace4 @bubblebeep69 @katluckybear @scuderiabarca @alwaysclassyeagle @simpingmyassoff @grlwithprblms @lqvesoph @pink-manz @graziemille @xxenia14 @nngkay @icedlattewithextracaramel @gyusrose @vip-access @julianalvarez9 @lavie3nrose @ge0rg1ewaa @i8yul @lovefordilfs271 @remuslupinluver @thattaylorswiftobsessedbitch @chaotic-taco-collector-blog @kaismybabe @notanenthucutlet @fullsun9890 @venomwh0re @renaissancewhxre @gaviandgrizisgirl

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elmaxlys · 2 years

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1, 2, 4, and 37 for whichever ship you want!

1- List 3 shipping tropes you love

obsession. good lord, that shit gets me almost every time. Like, they have history and idk maybe they're rivals, maybe they’re nemeses, maybe they're exes, and one of them is just. obsessed with the other and the other either doesn't care or straight up like 'yikes' or when it’s fucking mutual goodness, this shit is so good?? Some examples in my ships: Juoka (Juo obsessed with Rika), EDEN (ADAM obsessed with Langa), Utaren (everything Uta has going on), Ushioi (kinda mutual tbh), Adakiri (Kiriko obsessed with Ainosuke), Hannigram (❤), Rinharu (esp in s1), Double Shinya (❤), Dai/Jaehee (❤)

“I’m the only one who can kill/harm you” like the possessiveness over an adversary or rival etc?? being all defensive over someone they regularly and actively try to harm *chef kiss* I don’t have a specific example here but this makes me vibrate with excitement and shipper feeling every time.

devoted person in a one-sided love :3 i like pain. Maybe a subgenre of the obsession one but the devotion is gentle i guess, unlike the obsession that is really fucking toxic xD absolutely delicious, give me the all the pining. no “and they actually end up together at the end”, just “content to remain by their beloved’s side” and “happy their beloved is happy, even without them” smooch smooch

2- List 3 shipping tropes you don't love

jealousy jfc this is the biggest turn off for me “why were you with-” SHUT UP THEY HAVE A LIFE “i don’t like that you’re friends with [person of the gender you’re attracted to]” OH WE’RE DOING THIS?? DO YOU CHEAT WITH EVERYONE YOU ARE POTENTIALLY ATTRACTED TO? GET OUT “do you like me or them better” THEM. JUST BECAUSE YOU ASKED, FUCKFACE. Flips the anger switch in me like nothing else. congrats for that. Not even my beloved Yunise get a pass for that lmao I fucking hate that aspect of the ship. No, it’s not the same as the obsession one I said earlier as my favorite.

soulmates omg on top of being highly arophobic, it annoys me to no end, i see it a lot in omegaverse with “destined/fated mates” and whatnot. i see that word (or the in-universe word for that), i close the tab. this is a shortcut to avoid actually developing the growth of a relationship and i hate it. the appeal of reading/watching romance to me is mostly the before relationship so yeah that sure doesn’t help lol. When does it get a pass: when the character believe they’re “meant to be” bc of above obsession but in universe they’re really not meant to be (like. juoka. juo always pushing the “fate” talk when really it’s all his doing, stalking rika and whatnot lmao)

“labrador” types, especially when there’s a love triangle with a “cat type” person and also especially when the “labrador” has a ~dark~ side/actual shit personality that they hide from their Love Interest. I hate hypocrites lol (this is actually a subgenre of the introvert x extrovert trope that i also highly dislike when it’s the only bit of their personality traits that is pushed forward when ‘advertising’ the ship lol no one can write introverts correctly anyway.)

4- One physical aspect of a ship that always get you

Fights, Jesus Christ, fights. If they haven't tried to tear the other apart or severely injured each other on purpose, then what's the point 😌 (depending on the tone of canon, the intensity of the fight can go from the Rinharu s1ep12 fight to, like, whatever Utaren has going on)

37- Describe one reunion after time apart

Wordless. They look at each other. They’ve missed each other for so long that the feeling is almost a part of them now. One of them slowly starts smirking. And at that sight everything goes aflame, everything bursts. They find themselves in each other’s arms. They cling to each other, they breathe each other, they can’t let go. There’s no need for word, they know. Their old scars wake up. It feels right. Finally. Finally.

---

the ask game if anyone else wanna send me something :D

#they deserve a soft epilogue my love they might not be good people but they've suffered enough oh god they have #tmtc #thank you <3 #aaah it took a while to write but i loved it hehe thank you so much for asking!!

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masterthespianduchovny · 3 years

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No please share your theory if only you want to though. Well I mean David did kinda almost slip up when he said years age Nate's the single guy lol & him unintentionally always bringing her up and Gillian is getting flustered and shit and whatnot all the time when he's brought up. In your OWN opinion do you think that DD is also captivated/charmed with GA's charisma and her being her in general?

Wait, what does “Nate’s the single guy” refer to again?

Full disclosure: the only thing I claim to be true is that David and Gillian are friends, which I’ve stated before last Sunday.

This is all speculation on my end and I don’t claim it’s the truth by any means.

Personally, the only way I can make sense of David and Gillian’s is if they were/are having a torrid affair.

Antis will claim this is a fantasy of mine, but I don’t fantasize about people having affairs. However, I am realistic that these things happen.

As I mentioned in another post, how is Gillian still flustered about a question she literally answers several times a year for almost 30 years? Why can’t she give a straight answer? Why does she lie and sometimes contradict herself?

Because she was and currently is involved with David in an on again/off again affair. Depending on her answer, they’re either involved at that moment and/or she’s upset at him.

Where as David can answer the question, but he slips up in other ways.

And it explains why they’d lie about it.

Let’s get something clear: they’ve always admitted that they’ve had a complicated relationship, which they are open about, but they’ve never said they’ve hated each other.

Part of the reason is that they both have dominant personalities, the other reason is that they couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to each other for whatever reason. Then when they got married to their respective spouses and had kids, but still fucked around, they couldn’t expose their indiscretions.

They’re both trying to protect their kids, David more so than Gillian. David’s father cheating, and then leaving his mom for his mistress, deeply shaped David and his brother. People may think this is ironjc and hypocritical, but sometimes kids mimic their parents behavior. Even the toxic shit. As a result, he doesn’t want his kids finding out what he did because he knows what it could do to them. It’s also to spare their former spouses embarrassment (to be honest, I’m not sure David and Gillian would ever receive public blowback for it, esp now. People already think they’re fucking, so what difference would it make). Acknowledging that they ever hooked up leads to questions about when, and then people doing the math.

Gillian’s marriage was from ‘94-‘97 and David’s from ‘97-‘14. Okay, so maybe Gillian was single for a few months and David was single during his separations from tea. I’m not sure there’s a lot of overlap where they were both technically single at the same time. David dated Perry and the woman who dated det white. There has almost always been a relationship going on.

So if they’ve been fucking on and off for almost 30 years, it wasn’t always when both were single. One or both of them were definitely in relationships.

Something we know happened: Gillian admitted that they were talking (as in trying to see if it could lead somewhere) when David lost interest because she wasn’t from New York.

So there is evidence straight out of Gillian’s mouth that when they first met they kinda hit it off in that way before David walked away.

During the dark ages, you know the time they famously ‘hated’ each other, David elopes and doesn’t tell Gillian. Months later, her and David are doing an interview for print or video where they interview each other. Gillian brings up tea and is like, “you must’ve really liked tea to marry her so quick” and “why didn’t you tell me that you were getting married?” This isn’t verbatim, but the gist of it. David says, “you’re still mad about that?”

Let’s take a moment to note how weird that is. They hate each other, right? Why would Gillian fucking care that David didn’t tell her he was getting married and that it happened so quick? It doesn’t matter, but she was hurt by that. She really was. It wasn’t friend hurt, it was jealousy and betrayal.

David hates Gillian, but makes snarky remarks about her boyfriend Roland aka “six pack” (or is it eight pack). “Well, he hates her right, so it makes sense he’d make cracks about her boyfriend?” Well, years later, it’s an inside joke between them.

Their failed relationships are inside jokes to them. Does anyone else find it unusual how often they joke about their failed marriages and relationships? How is this something apart of their narrative or necessary when talking about how long they’ve known each other?

The only way their behavior and responses makes sense to me is if their relationship is messy as hell.

Why would you lie about how close you are to someone unless you had something to hide?

When you comb through their history and read/see what they were doing and what they said, it doesn’t match this narrative that they hated each other. They were at a difficult point in their relationship, personally and professionally, and that bled over into work and interviews. But they’ve always maintained that it wasn’t hate, it was just complicated.

I think in “ghost in the machine” Gillian pretends to blow David. They insisted on doing the “cut” FTF loss and I write cut in parenthesis because, although it was cut, it shouldn’t have existed. They made out twice for fun. Why? Why would you make out for fun with someone you hate? And didn’t this occur during the dark ages? In the unnatural, after tea leaves the set, David starts humping Gillian and she giggles. Yes, two people who hate each other right there.

Their relationship was so tense and complicated because they were stubborn, proud, and strong willed. Those type of people are bound to clash. Throw in their work environment and their relationships, it was a pressure cooker. An explosion waiting to happen.

When people say they hated each other, the question is why and how did they get over that?

There’s never an answer for it. Or when they do claim something, it’s disproven.

And that’s because they didn’t.

If they hated each other, they wouldn’t have done IWTB, various cons together, or even seasons 10 and 11.

Could I be 100% wrong about this, ABSOLUTELY.

Look, it’s no skin off my back if I’m wrong.

I just can never shake the sensation of how Gillian looks like she’s about to be caught or is scared when she’s on a late night show and someone says “picture” and “David” in the same sentence. She looks shaken.

What was up with their kimmel interview?

Why we they basically flirting while talking about hooking up with women?

I expect anon hate accusing me of saying “you said that they had a horrid affair doe 30 years.” 🙄 “but Gillian was so in love with Peter and David loves young pussy.” But my whole point is, I don’t know what to make of their relationship and this is the only thing that makes sense to me. Both of those things could be true in these hypothetical anon hates, it still doesn’t change what I said.

Hell, even Téa while freshly married to David described his relationship with Gillian as sibling like and like a married couple. What does that even mean?

People who talk about “Téa had to force David to invite Gillian to his housewarming party.” Was that because he hated Gillian or because they used to fuck/were fucking. Inviting your former/current lover to your new home with your new wife. A bit awkward and disrespectful, wouldn’t you say?

Keep in mind, months before (or a year before), he was her date to the Emmys, as a friend, to support her because her divorce was being announced that day. How do you go from that to hating each other and not wanting this person to come to your housewarming party?

What was the catalyst?

Why did the fall out?

Didn’t their tension start around the time he married Téa? 🌚

I don’t know if it’s in the same year or within the same 12 months of his marriage, but she’s mad at David at one award show and kissing him on the cheek at another. Dark ages, right?

Remember when Gillian gave a spot on, unfavorable assessment of David and he responded to it all hurt and moody? 😂

And, how could I forget, let’s think of the other suspect behaviors.

1. David: we only email like five times a year.

Gillian: that’s what you like to tell people.

2. Gillian’s gum falls out of her mouth, David puts it in his mouth.

3. Gillian spitting food in his hand and David not being grossed out by it.

3. David pulling on the hem of Gillian’s shirt to pull her closer so he can sign it. Neither thinks twice about it, despite the level of intimacy being unusual.

4. David biting on her shirt.

5. David going quiet and making shit awkward after joking about her saying she kept saying she’d point at random men and say, “I’m going to marry that man.” Same occasion two minutes before, Gillian asking how David knew who mitch’s wife was (it was her stunt double). It felt accusatory.

6. The chili’s story where she has to explain she means Mulder and Scully had sex at Chili’s and not them.

7. Then holding hands under the table at comic con in 2013.

And there’s a lot of stories either I forgot or don’t know, I’m still finding out new things.

I know this theory destroys their perspective of DDGA and it ruins them for some fans, but it’s just a theory. Like I said, I’m not saying it’s the truth. I’m saying it would explain a shit ton about the ebbs and flows of their relationship and why they’re so inconsistent and reactive to being asked about each other for just about three decades. Why aren’t they bored of the question by now and answer it without this big to do?

I don’t know if David stans believe he is/was a cheater, but Gillian stans swear he is until you mention he could’ve cheated with Gillian. All of the sudden, he’s faithful and committed. 😒

I can admit that I might be wrong because I don’t know them. Only they know what goes on in their relationship. But if you had friends acting like they do, you’d think they were fucking or wanted to even when they insist otherwise.

To tour last question: OF COURSE David is captivated by Gillian. Gillian is attractive, funny, and flirty. They seem to have similar senses of humors at times as well. She’s silly too. I can totally see David being taken in by her because we see that now.

He’s more of the straight man to her zaniness, but he finds her zaniness endearing.

EDIT: please feel free to add any normal colleague behavior between David and Gillian over the years. 👀

#anon mail #evergreen gillovny #prepares for hate anon #how many will I get #it’s fitting it should be on the one week anniversary of THE PICTURE #Just sub ‘they were having an affair’ at certain difficult points into their relationship and it all makes sense #😂

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thesimsblues · 3 years

Note

8, 18, 22 (esp now!), 27, 38 for marcus, 1, 10, 11, 13, 39 for beau, 15, 16, 17 for alan

Answers under the cut to save your dash.

Marcus

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

His parents told him to be quiet a lot because they didn't understand (nor care) that kids like to make noise. By his grandparents, he was told that he could tell the truth because he'd withhold his feelings to not cause "trouble."

18. What embarrasses them?

His parents. When he behaves rashly.

22. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

Marcus gets needy when he's jealous for his partner's focus. He will cling tight to monopolize attention (see also: Neven).

27. What causes them to feel dread?

His past experiences of losing his grandfather and then being abandoned by his parents mean that close relationships feel like they're on a finite timeline and, at some point, he will be parted from his loved one. .........ow.

38. What memory do they revisit the most often?

Being with Grandpa Charlie in The Gutter House.

Beau

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Beau subscribes to the Betty Draper "Only boring people are bored" school of thought. He always has something to do; he's very good at keeping himself engaged because the alternative is excruciating. So tl;dr--if he genuinely had nothing to do, he would incinerate immediately.

10. What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

Oh god, I really don't know for this one. Beau's not someone who lies very often. I'm sure he lied as a teenager to look cool, and it flopped like a lead balloon. That seems likely for him.

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

He will pretend to understand and bullshit his way through (or die trying) with strangers or Important People. He will ask for clarification and admit confusion with family, friends, close colleagues, and lovers.

13. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

Black. Yes. Unf. But I also dress him in dark blues constantly cuz also unf.

39. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

Beau is a romantic and a people person, so I'd imagine he glosses over many flaws in order to engage with people who interest him and/or turn him on. Case in point: Marcus.

Alan

15. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

Alan is deliberate in how he expresses himself, including what he says. If he's talking with a stranger or in the public eye, he's going to default to campy messaging. Among loved ones, he's more authentic, but he definitely processes a lot.

16. What makes their stomach turn?

People who listen to true crime podcasts for fun.

17. Are they easily embarrassed?

No. He's got a solid sense of self, and he doesn't take anything people say about his public persona seriously.

#ask games #gutterverse extras #c: alan atelier #c: beau song #c: marcus aurelia #THANKS NIK

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aswellingstorm · 3 years

Text

taylor swift x catradora playlist

in honor of evermore dropping tonight (midnight, EST) i humbly present the following by album break down of songs that miss swift wrote solely for catradora

taylor swift (2006)

tied together with a smile--the struggle adora faces being the hero/put on a pedestal from her horde days to becoming she ra

invisible--catra facing jealousy over adora’s new friendships

i’m only me when i’m with you--young catradora/growing up in the horde

fearless (2008)

forever & always-- broken promise. need i say more

white horse-- catra’s resentment for adora’s hero complex

breathe-- mutual catra & adora--struggling to cope with the other choosing the opposing side

you’re not sorry--adora coming to terms w post s3 catra & having to accept her former best friend has gone too far this time

change-- post s1 victory for adora

speak now (2010)

the story of us--princess prom catradora vibes

mean--unfortunately.........could see the best friend squad singing this therapeutically & adora thinking of catra

better than revenge-- ‘stealing other peoples toys on the playground won’t make you many friends//i’m just another thing for you to roll your eyes at honey’....jealous catra really comes thru here

innocent-- feel like this could be applied to adora but more specifically catra losing herself and her innocence in this war/getting caught in the cycle of abuse shadow weaver set her in at a young age

if this were a movie-- adora’s naïve hope that catra might make the right choice one day

haunted-- ‘all this time you and i have walked a fragile line, never thought i’d live to see it break’, easily fits into adora leaving the horde, but def has the angsty vibes for ‘save the cat’

back to december--regret. longing. wishing u could take something back but knowing you really cant

enchanted--ok hear me out. not necessarily a ‘meet cute’ for them, but could def see this song playing at a princess prom post s5 and being a cute look for them over all.

red (2012)

treacherous--post ‘save the cat’, catra learning redemption is....something she Wants

the last time--post-portal. def reminds me of the scene where catra saves glimmer and apologizes to adora

sad beautiful tragic-- break up sadness

the lucky one--more adora becoming she ra/learning the truth of mara

i almost do--catra & adora missing each other on opposite sides of the war

come back...be here--^^

state of grace--end of/post s5

1989 (2014)

out of the woods--i mean..........those ladies entered the whispering woods in s1 on a stolen skiff and did not leave until the end of the series

all you had to do was stay-- aside from the title... “let me remind you this was what you wanted // you ended it// you were all I wanted //but not like this”. def catra yearning

i wish you would--all of the lyrics. all of them

bad blood--warrants no explanation

this love-- “when you’re young, you just run// but you always come back to what you need”......................the defense rests

clean--s4 adora accepting and coming to terms w catra’s decision

wonderland-- really captures the betrayal/hurt of s1 catradora

you are in love-- adora POV// subtle moments leading up to realizing she loves catra

new romantics--”we need love, but all we want is danger//we team up then switch sides like a record changer”

catra’s personal memoir reputation (2017)

i did something bad--a title that could (unfortunately for everyone else) summarize a large majority of catra’s decisions. the song is very justified/righteous anger/revenge. basically a ‘fuck you, i know i’m bad’ & embracing that. reminds me of her kicking sw & hordaks ass (the rebellion could never) and her just...war criming it up in the crimson waste

Look What You Made Me Do-- void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra--

getaway car--could see this from adora’s perspective to catra solely for the whole leaving/betrayal bit. but might be more fighting for double trouble & catra’s relationship

dancing with our hands tied-- i mean...lyrically. everything. but esp ‘I'd kiss you as the lights went out//swaying as the room burned down//I'd hold you as the water rushes in//If I could dance with you again”

dress-- “i dont want you like a best friend”. period. end of sentence.

this is why we can’t have nice things--s1 promise feels. the lack of forgiveness, the shade. u know.

lover (2019)

cruel summer-- “i scream for whatever it’s worth, i love you--ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” the heart. the longing. the ‘i dont want to keep secrets just to keep you’

the archer-- ‘who could ever leave me, but who could stay?’ + the rest of the song is v fitting for both catra/adora

afterglow--making up, admitting wrongs--catra perspective

miss americana & the heartbreak prince--idk just the narrative of the song reminds me of them

it’s nice to have a friend--whooooh boy this post is not about glimbow but this song works equally as well for them

daylight--enjoy the healing

lover--enjoy the healing pt 2

death by a thousand cuts-- warrants 0 explanation

folklore (2020)

finally

the 1-- definitley adora POV, reminiscing on maybe what they could have been. maybe in a world where catra never redeemed herself or they never reunited and adora watched her friends pair up/get married/build lives w each other, she might realize there is a whole in her heart. a part that’s missing and cant be explained, but she feels it every time she looks at glimmer&bow.

cardigan-- feels like catra writing a letter to adora. reflecting on the feelings of hurt and betrayal after time has passed and the anger fades

exile -- lowkey the premise of my fic but. ‘i’m not your problem anymore/ you were my crown/ now i’m in exile seeing you out’ catra was raised to feel like she was adora’s problem to fix. she feels cast aside by her for a majority of the series etc

my tears ricochet-- “i didn't have it in myself to go with grace//and you're the hero flying around saving face//and if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?//cursing my name, wishing I stayed//look at how my tears ricochet” tswift explained this in the doc about how no one can hurt you like your best friend turned enemy. so i think in that sense this song works from adora’s perspective--but there’s so much bitterness and anger that i feel like it fits more from catra’s POV

seven-- “love you to the moon and to saturn//passed down like folksongs//the love lasts so long” i feel like this is so young/child adora and her feelings of protectiveness over catra. their bond through trauma and abuse

august--lmaoooooo i know. ok i KNOW what the deal is. i KNOW that cardigan, august and betty are a narrative story and really there are 3 POVs--james, betty & august. but i will do with that what i please. i just see catra’s pov from this song just as much as i see it for cardigan. her losing adora/feeling like adora doesn’t want her back or will choose other ppl over her.

this is me trying--can fit adora’s need to be everything for everyone/fear of failure--leading to burn out. also works for what i assume how catra’s redemption arc continued post s5. progress isn’t linear and this can show both of them struggling to recover from abuse

invisible string--if u strip out the imagery of taylor and her mans then sure

mad woman--i MEAN...is this not catra’s villain origin story? so often she was just poked/kicked/provoked into continuing down the dark path. not always by adora but regardless.

epiphany-- ‘with you i serve, with you i fall down’ reminding me of them both fighting/practicing/training together pre-s1 as well as them finally teaming up

betty--betty betty betty. the worst thing these two have ever done is what they did to each other. i see it more catra to adora, but it can go either way. gotta admire catra’s range for fitting into the role of betty, august + james... who else is doing it quite like her?

peace-- adora to catra. she can never not be she ra. is that enough for catra?

hoax--def more of a catra POV

evermore (2020?)

tbd......

#not me including almost the entire folklore album on here.........not my explanation solely devolving into brain rot......................#catradora #catra #adora #spop #tswift #long ass post my b

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cviperfan · 4 years

Text

Okay so partially motivated by how many references there were in SPoP and largely bc it's been in my backlog for years and I remembered the whole thing got uploaded to youtube a while ago, I finally got around to watching Revolutionary Girl Utena for the first time so time for some hot takes

2 clarify I did see the movie about around 2000 which was my introduction to the series, and I did see like 1 episode back in anime club (over a decade ago now tbh) but for the most part I went into this with only a vague sense of the ending and offhand knowledge of a few of the weird comedy episodes so this was mostly a blind watch

Before getting into #spoilers I will say that this ended up being an easy Top 5 and that it's definitely still worth watching (fair warning for the very frequent rape and incest (and sometimes both)), especially if you've somehow also avoided most of the context of this show like me, and it really is one of the rare Nothing Else Like It kind of show (though it has roots in older shoujo like Rose of Versailles and modern stuff like Revue Starlight have picked up its lede)

Okay spoilers from here on

I really only kinda have vague memories of the more knightly take on Utena from the movie so Series!Utena having this powerful Dumb Jock Energy threw me

Like she's out here invoking the Air Bud Rule from minute one

This bit where Akio is going on about some Important Life Lesson thing and she's just fuckin

crab walking im

what a hero i love her

I have always kinda been more partial to shoujo than shounen bc the sense of like emotional urgency and the heightened exaggerated feelings are just more compelling to me narratively and what Utena does spectacularly is really drive that to fucking 11 and it permeates every aspect of the show

Like the melodrama of it all is so shameless and it's so committed to letting its visuals and music drive the mood and emotional intensity of its stakes that they kind of speak for themselves and demand to be taken on their own terms rather than having clear or rigid interpretations

Like it's kind of a situation of "yes most of what you're seeing ties into the show's bigger themes and characterization but also you can just vibe to the spectacle as well" like even when it's not on the Dueling Arena there's a theatricality underlying everything that pairs perfectly with the spirit of shoujo even as it... not necessarily contradicts it, but challenges it in some ways and also wants to coexist with it?

And I think that's the interesting thing how it wants to tackle some of these arch concepts tied into the genre while also being deeply intertwined with it. Like it really is a Product Of Its Time in so many ways but it also feels somehow timeless and transgressive in others even now?

Like part of me would be interested to see a remake that took into account 23 years of conversation about how much perceptions of gender and sexuality have changed but at the same time would it lose some essential part of itself in that transition? idk potentially

Also lbr a hypothetical remake wouldn't even attempt to revise anything it would just redo it thus making it pointless

So I know this has been a thing that's been brought up before but seeing it play out dang RGU and NGE really are just companion pieces to each other huh

Subverting the themes and narrative arcs of their respective genres, mysterious quiet girl who's directly the key to everything, the ritual of action setpieces rendered as Actual Ritual in the story, banger OP, comphet ruining everyone's lives

Also they really don't have much in common comparatively but I'm definitely seeing pieces of Utena in Kill la Kill too? Particularly how Mako's arc feels like a fleshing out and expansion from the archetype divergence Wakaba got in that one ep (I can't believe klk was the utena/wakaba au fanfic)

Speaking of which damn he is a sleazy bastard and a gross predator but ngl Akio can Get It he and Ragyo are basically the same character and I guess this is just my type apparently???? oops

Like I'm recognizing how like really awful he is but also you really can't blame Utena for crushing on him he is super hot and charming

aside i lost it at the audacity of "well even tho i am a man like twice your age (AT LEAST) and took advantage of the situation and also i am clearly not the type to take no for an answer since you didn't reject me you're basically just as bad as me" bruh

The Black Rose Arc is... interesting bc like it borders on superfluous with how it resolves and yet the introduction of a "monster of the week" type power rangers element specifically built to expand on the secondary cast is a pretty inspired choice

again my primary point of introduction to the series was the movie which is basically a remix of the Student Council arc so when I got to 12 I was like wth are they gonna fill the rest of this with? WELP

What I really like about it is that usually this kind of setup-- the 'character is faced with their dark inner thoughts they shy away from and they become a short-term enemy' deal-- ends with the char in question coming to terms with this and overcoming it to become a better person

but here it's just like... they lose and then they just gotta... sit with that, forever. Like it doesn't really change the status quo of their relationships w/ utena or the others but it does just stick around for them and now the audience knows that about them too. like sometimes you just can't take that shit back.

Utena's relationship to queerness, having heard about it tangentially for years but seeing it play out now is also interesting bc while in the grand scheme it doesn't feel necessarily any more ahead of its time than something like Cardcaptor Sakura there is a casualness to it that's distinct

Like for the most part it's either kind of the tangential fluff that even then was part of shoujo as a standard but then there's also stuff like the Akio/Touga or Touga/Saionji hinting or Kozue's casual pass at Anthy in addition to the maintext Juri/Shiori push-pull and ofc the subtext-but-maintext Utena/Anthy threads

I wanna take a moment to talk about Juri bc of how kind of in the spirit of the show itself it plays things both with and against the grain with her

Like she's a Tragic Lesbian which is nothing new but usually this character type (and Distinctively Lesbian characters in general) in anime/manga tend to be portrayed as being very predatory, invasive and either played for laughs or to repulse the audience, so the degree of empathy RGU shows her in 97 is rare to see even now.

Like there is a "safeness" to her bc of how unattainable Shiori is (though their arc ends in a decidedly ambiguious way), but it doesn't really feel like she's getting the short end of the stick over the more straight-leaning characters bc arguably all of the relationships here are defined by an aspect of chasing the unattainable, echoing Utena's own quixotic search for her Prince, and her choosing to remain closeted feels realistic *especially because* of the surrounding context of how heteronormative the world she exists in is. Like the character is aware of that and is navigating it in a way that feels honest

Speaking of which it's interesting how the reveal of Juri's pining for Shiori in Ep 7 echoes the bigger reveal of Utena/Anthy bc of how it plays up this heterocentric love triangle or at least it seems to be but then the cards are on the table and no that's really not what it is at all, and it feels significant that after spending most of the series naively oblivious to Juri’s feelings and what she wants out of a relationship with Shiori that Utena finally Gets It in Ep 37

Is it a coincidence Juri actually gets to be the one to point it out? No

Speaking of triangles big ups to the Ruka/Juri/Shiori one honestly bc of how hard it commits to the unknown third result of a LT where absolutely no one comes out happy and it actually works even with the handicap of Ruka basically coming out of nowhere just for these two episodes

Like all three of them want the one person who's absolutely never gonna love them back and that's just rough buddy and isn't that kinda the show in a nutshell

So the thing that struck me about Utena/Anthy and how it plays out is how subtle it really is. And that does make sense bc while f/f teasing/subtext again was part of shoujo before it's quite a different thing for the heroine to ultimately reject her 2 male love interests and choose a life with her female best friend, esp in nineteen ninety seven

Like I think you can argue that Ep 12 feels like The Moment where What Their Relationship Is, Definitely shifts and that possibility is suddenly there, and then it doesn't come back in a big way until the ending but there are tiny glimpses throughout where you can see that working in the background if you’re really paying attention

Small things like Anthy's flashes of unspoken jealousy, Utena fretting over her even when she's in bed with Akio, and part of that is coming from going in with a knowledge of what the endgame is and keeping an eye out for it. I can hardly imagine being a viewer during the og broadcast and then ep 34 comes and suddenly the intent is made clear and our understanding of the inciting incident gets all flipped turned upside down

And to a modern viewer I can get coming into this for the first time and being frustrated at just how close to the chest it gets played, but that's also kind of the only way it gets to happen at that point in time? But I think it ultimately is effective and vital to their individual arcs and dovetails nicely with the themes of the show

Like I remember hearing that original manga creator Chiho Saito was pretty against their paired ending, but with a lot of convincing from Ikuhara ultimately came around to it, and it's hard to imagine the anime's ending working any other way and being nearly as impactful

And there is something really beautiful about the bucking against the established idea of yuri relationships being a childish concept that gets left behind in order to 'grow up' actually becoming the impetus of their own journeys into adulthood and eventually back to each other, and it’s hard not to feel a little disappointed that for this Bold Step and declaration for the future that RGU takes that while yuri is more common than ever it largely continues to exist within the realm of schoolgirls and something to be left behind in adolescence like for RGU’s faults and shortcomings it saw this world of possibility in moving forward, while the genre largely elected to stand still

And it really speaks to either the timelessness of the show or how much the queer experience has remained constant that even with a tragic ending, that hope, or rather the promise of their reunion, feels bold and defiant and genuinely uplifting even now

Like the moment where just before they reach out to each other one final time, and their voices as children speak out to each other, as if finally fulfilling a promise they barely remember, I really did just start ugly crying

Lastly some assorted closing thoughts--

-Touga? Punk. Guy really takes advantage of Utena's whole prince thing to manipulate her, ends up losing to her in the rematch and then fucks off to mope for like AN ENTIRE SEASON then pops back up "oh yea im in love with her literally nothing else about my behavior has changed tho" like lmao you tried i guess

-Also i know Touga's design is p stock standard bishounen ojou-sama type but god this is all i can think about when I see him

- Green Touga Saionji is a bitch-ass motherfucker but like he at least tried more than anyone else so uh that's something I guess?????

Like the guy clearly has some unresolved feelings about Touga so i'm inclined to be sympathetic bc wow poor choice my dude but also... bitch-ass motherfucker

-Nanami really went through this thing for me where it's like... she's a brat and a shitty person but it's also hard to really dislike her bc she does get what she deserves most of the time and also she gets kinkshamed more than most of the cast despite none of them really having a high ground over her lol

-Miki did nothing wrong (aside from like the implied incest but that's also like... half the relationships in this show uh)

sidenote I can completely see the notable excess of Incest Subtext/Maintext being intended as like... A Thing to comment on how common it is within shoujo and also tying in to like the bigger themes of Growing Up bc the idea that you’re chasing after your own damn siblings betrays some freudian inability to mature or whatever but tbqh it doesn’t always feel like the show knows the line between commenting on this and indulging in it and RGU is very indulgent by its own nature so I really can’t blame people put off by the show as a whole bc this is an area where RGU is largely indistinguishable from its genre peers

-Juri really did nothing wrong tho also props for having the best duels

-FUCK SHIORI THO for eel

so obviously i have not seen the show up to now but I've been in yuri circles for a long time so I knew about Juri/Shiori and my perception of it had always been "oh it's one of those kinda messy with complicated feelings" kinda ships where the drama is a big part of the appeal and that's true but like

the actual nature of it I did not realize up to now and OH SHIORI'S REALLY THAT BITCH HUH

So not only does she date that one anonymous guy specifically to spite Juri unaware she doesn't actually like him BUT THEN WHEN THEY GET REUNITED SHE'S JUST LIKE LOL IT DIDNT MATTER BUT HEY WE COOL RIGHT *AND THEN* when she finds out about Juri's feelings she's like HELL YEA I CAN HANG THIS OVER HER HEAD FOREVER FUCK HER

***AND THEN*** when she gets some karma after Ruka dumps her ass she airs her dirty laundry out in front of EVERYBODY like Juri hasn't been dealing with this shit like an absolute champ the whole time like?????

Like ok i get that there's the sad longing drama there and usually that's my jam and the show itself seems to end on kind of an ambiguous note and the follow-up manga from this year seems to leave it as kind of a "maybe" but I'm sorry get Juri a better GF 2020 she deserves better

I saw some Juri/Wakaba going through the tumblr tag for the show and honestly that's some big brain shit I'm here for it

Also now knowing exactly how this dynamic operates it really makes that Jasper/Lapis reference pic one of the SU crew drew of them read very.... interestingly???????? (tho Lapis' design reads a lot closer to Kozue and that's probably a closer personality analogue too)

-I love that thing in ep 37 where the whole SC is just very casually like hey utena if the whole revolutionizing the world thing with anthy doesn't work out uhhh call me im free haha just kidding unless...? lmao

-I'm pretty uninclined to try to pin precise sexuality HCs to characters for series this old where the ambiguity is part of how its danced around like partly coming from my own experience I'm inclined to read Utena as bi but that really is just coming from me?

But on the other hand literally every time a guy is like "i love you utena come be happy with me and we can love each other forever" she's like "k" after having left them on read for a day and disconnects from them entirely so lesbian going through comphet is a pretty valid read i think lol

-Lastly I think it’s pretty interesting but validly frustrating how fast and loose the show’s relationship with dream logic and non-traditional storytelling really is like when the shadow girls show up I was like “oh this is a greek chorus thing and it’s meant to reflect on the themes of the episode” (or uh in the case of exactly Ep 29 to break from tradition and explicitly tell us what a characters deal is lmao) but then no actually turns out they’re actually real characters who exist within the show too fuck you

ANYWAY I really did love this show and felt like I got a lot out of it despite it being pretty infamously hard to decipher but the ways it's inscrutable appeal to me specifically so very happy with this I'm gonna be thinking about it for a while

#revolutionary girl utena #cw: rape mention #cw: incest mention #might follow up with some thoughts about the movie later

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demigodsanswer · 4 years

Text

Once Upon a Pointe: Chapter 5

Story Summery:

“Annabeth, you’re with Percy,’ Chiron said. Annabeth. She looked like the figurine in a little girl’s music box had come to life to dance in City Ballet. Percy felt like every opportunity to dance with her was a privilege. Just don’t forget the choreography, Percy thought as he got into the right starting spot for the wedding pas de deux. Don’t forget the choreography, and don’t drop her.”

Percy, a soloist with the ballet company, and he is offered one chance to dance with Annabeth, one of their star principals. If he nails the choreography, he might just earn a chance to dance with her. And, if he’s really lucky, he might get a date out of it as well.

Chapter Title: Diamonds

Read on AO3

Start from the beginning

Note:

Like the chapter itself, this note comes to you in two parts:

Part 1: Content warnings. This is the angst chapter. It gets into what happened between Luke and Annabeth and their breakup. There is talk of a relationship between someone who is underage and an adult. There are some scenes of verbal manipulation bordering on abuse. the particularly bad scene is the breakup scene. This scene is demarcated by ***** at the start and ~~~~~ at the end. If you want to skip this section, just control F for ~~~~~ when you get to the stars. Be aware, though, that some of this content is sprinkled throughout the chapter.

Part 2: There is a tendency when it comes to fiction, but esp. fan works, to conflate the events of the story with the authors moral or political stance. Annabeth talks in this chapter about a decision that she has made, and, likely, not a lot of people will agree with it. Please do not conflate this exploration of a fictional character in a fictional situation with what you think my moral or political stance on the issue is. This is a story, not my advice to survivors. On that note as well, please know that you are not entitled to my past, trauma, or research. Please do not come a-knocking demanding that I explain what may or may not have happened to me in the past or what research I may or may not have done to write this chapter. If you don't like the chapter, you are free to say so and/or to stop reading the story, but you are not entitled to my past. If you demand that information of me, I simply will not engage with your comment.

Part One: El Tango De Roxanne

“First there is desire. Then passion. Then suspicion. Jealousy, anger, betrayal. When love is for the highest bidder, there can be no trust. When there is no trust, there is no love. Jealousy, yes jealousy, will drive you mad!”

“You’re free to leave me, just don’t deceive me, and believe me when I say ‘I love you.’”

Ten Months Ago:

Beckendorf didn’t need to be in the “Diamonds” rehearsal, but he didn’t have anything else scheduled, and he wanted to see their progress. It was the first time in a long time that he hadn’t been slotted to dance with Annabeth, but it seemed like the right call. Beckendorf had always felt more suited to “Emeralds” than to “Diamonds.” Annabeth, though, fit into the elegance and opulence of Imperial Russia flawlessly.

He smiled as he watched Percy turn her around, perfectly on time with the music. Beckendorf had only spent eleven months in soloist purgatory (although it had taken him four years to reach that rank); he was sure that after three years in the corps and four years as a soloist, Percy was working as hard as he could to prove himself a principal. He sure did look like one as he and Annabeth continued their dance.

Beckendorf didn’t remember his own short stint as a soloist very fondly. Almost overnight, he had gone from dancing six ballets a night to one solo in one ballet following his promotion. Even though he had more solo time, his time on stage decreased, and he was never first or even tenth in line for principal roles the way he was now. For eleven months, he was desperate to get on stage and to get promoted. He didn’t know how Percy had managed living in that limbo for three years.

If anyone had earned their promotion by now, it was Percy.

Beckendorf watched the ballet master’s eyes track Percy’s technique, face, and movement, paying little attention to Annabeth. He smiled; they were testing him, and Percy was acing the exam.

~*~*~

Beckendorf ran into Luke in the showers. “Hey, saw Annabeth dance earlier. She looked good.”

Luke smirked as he got changed, heading into his own rehearsal. “Yeah, she’s gorgeous. Shame she has to dance with Jackson.”

Beckendorf furrowed his brow. “Percy’s a great dancer.”

He scoffed. “You sound like Annabeth. I swear, he’s all she talks about.” Luke went back to pulling warmups out his bag to cover his tights.

“I’m sure you don’t have to be jealous of Percy,” Beckendorf said. He talked to Annabeth pretty often, and he didn’t think she spent too much time gushing about Percy by any measure. As far as he could tell, Annabeth loved Luke more than anyone.

“I know,” Luke said, the smile back on his face. “She pretty much begged me to marry her.”

Beckendorf paused. He didn’t sound overly enthusiastic about getting married. He didn’t want to pry, but he felt like he had to ask.

“Do you not want to –”

Luke cut him off before he could continue. “Check these out,” he said, holding up his phone. “Bet Jackson wishes he could see these.”

Beckendorf looked away as quickly as he had looked at the phone. “What the hell, man?!” He yelled. Luke had shown him a wall of photos of Annabeth; the images had been thumbnail size, but it didn’t take long to notice that she was nearly or completely naked in all of them. “She’s your fiancé!”

“Aren’t I lucky?” He said casually.

Beckendorf tried to wrap his head around what had just happened.

He and Luke had been in the company together for years, but they had never been close. Beckendorf didn’t even show Luke photos of his and Silena’s honeymoon. He couldn’t figure out why Luke thought what he had just done was appropriate.

“You shouldn’t show people those,” he said finally.

“Please. She wouldn’t care.” Luke said, putting his phone away.

He felt himself getting angrier with each response Luke gave. Beckendorf had great respect for Annabeth and counted her a friend. He couldn’t understand why Luke would expose intimate pictures of her, especially to him.

“Have you asked?” Beckendorf asked, trying to keep his voice below a yell.

Luke didn’t answer his question. Instead he told Beckendorf: “Relax,” with a suave calmness, as if he hadn’t just shown Beckendorf dozens of naked photos of Annabeth.

Luke’s calmness pushed Beckendorf’s anger over the top. Beckendorf slammed Luke up against the row of lockers, making some of the doors shake.

Luke put up his hands. “What the hell, man?”

“Do you have any idea how fucked up this is?” Beckendorf asked, still holding him against the wall.

“Whoa, guys, what’s going on?” Beckendorf heard Jason say, coming around the corner to break up the fight. Beckendorf stepped away. He couldn’t hit Luke. If he did, he could lose his job or be arrested. Beckendorf grabbed his bag and left without a word to either of them.

~*~*~

“What should we do about this?” He asked Silena as they left the studio.

She shook her head. She wished she had been more surprised by what Charlie had told her, but she knew Luke better than a lot of people. Dancers rarely thought about who in the costume shop was listening to them.

He had seemed nice at first – charming, sweet, all those things. But Annabeth’s career had begun to take off; she was earning leads, first-cast roles, and getting promoted through the ranks quickly. His had begun to plateau. He was already a principal (a well-respected one, at that), and he was six years older than her. At thirty-three, his career was entering its sunset phase, and hers was on the rise.

She had heard him trying to undercut her accomplishments to other dancers, attempting to take credit for roles and promotions she earned, but she had never expected him to do something this low.

“We have to tell her,” Silena said. “We can’t let him keep doing this without her knowing.”

Charlie nodded. He had expected that answer. Still, it didn’t mean telling Annabeth was going to be any easier.

~*~*~

Annabeth wasn’t stupid. No matter how cheerful Silena had tried to sound on the phone (“Can Charlie and I drop by for a few minutes?” she had asked) that something was obviously wrong. She and Beckendorf were close, of course. They had done most of their partnering together for the last three years. But they didn’t hang out outside of rehearsal that often, and they didn’t just ‘drop by.’

What they were coming to talk to her about, though, was a mystery. She catastrophized of course – worse case scenarios all over the place – and she tried to rationalize – your friends just want to hang out.

When she opened her apartment door for them and saw their grim faces, though, she went back to catastrophizing.

“Can we come in?” Silena asked.

Annabeth stepped aside and let them in. “Make yourself at home.” She told them. She had started boiling some water when they were on their way and went over to the small kitchen area to pour the tea. “Can I get you anything? I made us some tea.” She said.

They both declined but accepted the tea silently.

The two of them sat on Annabeth’s couch, while she sat in the big chair at the foot of the coffee table.

“So, what’s up?” She asked, trying to hide how terrified she was of the answer.

The two looked at each other, as if they hadn’t rehearsed this part. Annabeth looked in between, them waiting for an answer.

Finally, Beckendorf took a deep breath, looked her in the eye and said: “Luke tried to show me nude photos of you today.”

Annabeth shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut as she let out a small laugh of disbelief. Beckendorf’s words bounced around her head but her mind refused to process them. “I’m sorry,” she said, “what did you just say?”

Silena nodded. “Luke tried to show him a bunch of naked pictures of you that he had on his phone.”

Annabeth shook her head again, her mouth open, trying to find words or a deep breath, but both escaped her. Time seemed to halt as what Beckendorf had just told her sank in. She felt her mind and emotions go numb to the news, her anxiety subsiding suddenly and inexplicably.

“Why?” She finally asked. Her brain seemed to turn back on suddenly, finally reacting in earnest to what she had been told.

Why would he do that? Why would he do that to me? Why would he show that to you? Why did you tell me about it? She wanted to yell. She felt a fierce anger deep in her gut, like she could run the eighty blocks to the studio and make a scene in front of his rehearsal.

“I, uh …” Beckendorf paused for a moment, unsure of how to answer, “it seems like he was jealous of you and Percy.”

Annabeth leaned her head back. She felt like she could scream as the rage bubbled up, finally finding words to attach itself to. “He always does this!” She said, standing up and pacing around her living room. “I mean, seriously, if I say I like partnering with someone who isn’t him, and we never partner together because he’s too tall and he knows that, he takes it as some personal attack or some sign that I’m cheating. And I’ve never cheated on him!” She folded her arms on the back of the chair, resting her head in them. “Fuck! I can’t even compliment a coworker?” She yelled towards the floor. “And now …” she paused and looked up. “Why would he show them to you?” She asked.

Beckendorf shrugged. “I told him how good you are Percy looked at your rehearsal, he said some jealous things about Percy, then showed them to me, saying that he bet Percy wishes he could see them. I don’t know if he wanted to prove something to me or tell Percy about them or what.”

Annabeth sat back down in the chair, sinking low into the cushions. Her anger subsided quickly, replaced with a deep and overwhelming sadness that seemed to rip through her chest as she began to sob.

They had gotten into a fight a few nights before over Percy. She had mentioned over dinner that she though he would be promoted to a principal by the end of the summer, and Luke had gone quiet, ignoring her for the rest of the meal. She knew what he was waiting for: an apology for upsetting him.

She hated doing that. When she was younger, the apologies came easier. She found herself apologizing for crying when he yelled at her.

“I made me cry,” she had once told him, “I knew that doing that would upset you.” She had gone to Reyna’s apartment for an all-soloists party without Luke, who, as a principal, hadn’t been invited. He had asked her not to go at all, claiming he didn’t trust other guys to behave around her. She assured him that she could handle herself. A few drinks later, it was just her, Reyna, Piper, and a few others left, all getting ready to just crash on couches, air mattresses, or beds. When she called him to tell him, he yelled at her until she was crying in Reyna’s bathroom. If Reyna had known why she was crying, Annabeth was sure she would have advised breaking up with him on the spot, but, instead, Annabeth faked a panic attack and used that as an escape.

Because she loved him. So much of the time she loved him, and their relationship was fun, and passionate, and loving. Eighty percent of the time, he was the perfect guy.

And twenty percent of the time, he sat quietly through dinner, waiting for an apology for something so minor. When she was about twenty, she learned that it was easier to just offer the apology and move on.

“Sorry.” She said to him finally.

“I don’t know why you do that.” He said. “You know it upsets me.” Luke said, not looking at her.

“He’s just my dance partner.” She protested.

“Well, you sure do think a lot of him.”

“I think that he’s talented, yes.”

He looked up at her. The hanging light fixture over their kitchen table reflected in his eyes, making them almost look gold instead of blue. Annabeth sat up straighter, ready for a fight if there was going to be one.

Instead, he stood up, plate in one hand, and dropped the dish in the sink, before heading towards the door. “I’m going out.” He told her.

When the door slammed behind her, she let out a deep breath, sinking into her seat, trying desperately not to cry. Not for him, not again. After a moment, she stood up and went to the sink to clean up. Luke’s plate was broken in the sink, cracked into three larger ceramic pieces, with little shards decorating the rest of the basin. Annabeth took a deep breath again, and place her own plate over the broken one, resolving to clean it up later.

She hadn’t expected this from Luke though. To show someone something so private and without much reason. For what? To make Percy jealous? Beckendorf jealous?

She knew the answer had nothing to do with either of them. There were truths about her relationship with Luke that were crystal clear if she thought about them for long enough, but they were terrifying to deal with.

She loved him, and they were great together so much of the time. He had promised her that they would be together and be a family. She hadn’t wanted to get married so young, but they had been together for years. When he proposed he had promised her all of that: family, security, permanence. Everything.

It was so easy to believe that promise was unconditional. But she had seen the patterns for years. He didn’t trust her, he took credit for most milestones in her career, and he certainly didn’t like moments when she soared above him. He had been on edge since she became a principal, constantly worried that she would outshine him. “I’m afraid you’ll get too good,” he had said jokingly soon after he had proposed, “and then you’ll leave me.”

It was an irrational fear – he was a great dancer, and so often male choreography existed to make the female dancer look stunning as he blends into the background.

He was never good at blending, though. He had to be the center of his own career and hers. Hell, most people in the company already resented her because they thought she had slept her way to the top, and she knew those rumors started with him. And now …

And now.

She looked up when she felt Silena’s hand on her shoulder. She offered her a tissue.

“Are you going to be okay?” Silena asked.

Annabeth shook her head, not quite sure how to respond.

“I just didn’t think he hated me this much.” She said after a moment.

“Oh honey,” Silena said, pulling her into a hug as she kept crying. Silena didn’t try to convince her that he didn’t hate her, or that he had just made a mistake. She just held her and let her cry.

After a moment, Annabeth sat back up, and found herself talking in circles about her relationship with Luke; Silena and Beckendorf’s faces became more upset and angrier as the stories piled up.

Finally, Annabeth paused to drink her tea. Silena sat back on her heals and told her, “You can’t marry him.”

Annabeth sat up straighter, mug still in her hand. “Please don’t tell me what to do.”

Silena nodded. “I’m sorry, but …” Annabeth could see her searching for the right thing to say.

“If he hurts you like this now,” Beckendorf said, “it’s probably only going to get worse when you’re married.”

“It’s not like he’s ever hit me.” Annabeth said, putting her mug back on the table. That was true; he’d never even come close.

“But he controls you,” Silena said, “and he undermines you, and he violates your privacy. That’s not any better.”

Annabeth took a shaky breath. “I just … I don’t know what I would do without him.”

“Anything,” Beckendorf said, “you could do anything without him.”

“But we’ve been together for so long,” she said, “and I love him so much. So much of the time it’s so good.”

“Is it so good?” Silena asked. “Or do you spend that eighty percent of the time self-censoring to keep him happy? Do you spend that time waiting for the next time he gets mad at you?”

Annabeth hung her head and began to sob again. I can’t marry him, she thought for the first time. She had had doubts before, but she figured every bride had doubts. But Silena’s question had broken through walls in her mind that kept those doubts out. Was she happy? I can’t marry him.

“I just don’t want to be alone.” She admitted, still crying.

“Honey,” Silena said, “as long as we’re alive, you’re never on your own.”

Annabeth looked up and leaned forward quickly, pulling Silena in.

“I know you’ve been together for six years –“ Beckendorf started. Annabeth didn’t let him finish his sentence.

She took a deep breath, and before she could remember to be afraid, she told him: “It’ll be ten years this December.”

Silena pulled away from the hug and looked at her. “Aren’t you twenty-five?”

Annabeth nodded. “We went on our first date after my first Nutcracker season as an apprentice.”

Silena gasped and leaned on the coffee table for support. Beckendorf just muttered, “Jesus Christ,” to himself.

Silena looked more shocked than Annabeth had seen her in the entire conversation. “You could really sue him for this.” She said.

Annabeth hadn’t thought of that. Of course, she had known that their age gap was inappropriate and illegal, but it had never occurred to her to press charges over it (especially not considering she was planning on marrying him). “I don’t know,” Annabeth said. “I don’t even know what to do about right now.”

“Are you going to break up with him?” Silena asked.

I can’t marry him, she thought again, but the words wouldn’t leave her mouth. “I don’t know. I mean, an hour ago I was happily engaged, and now I don’t know what I am. It’s all just a lot, and I want to talk to him about everything and just … get things sorted out.”

Silena nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, but she was cut off by the door opening.

Annabeth’s eyes met Luke’s, before he scanned the rest of the apartment, shooting accusatory looks at Beckendorf and Silena. Beckendorf stood up, staring at Luke before asking Annabeth, “Do you want us to stay?”

“No,” Annabeth said, “you guys can leave.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Silena asked. Annabeth nodded, and she hoped that was true.

*****

When the door closed behind them, Luke turned to her, his eyes calm. “What were they up to?”

Annabeth looked at him in disbelief. “You really have no idea why they were here?”

Luke ignored her puffy eyes and runny nose and sat on the couch. “What did they tell you?”

“So, you do know?” Annabeth asked. She stared him down, waiting for him to admit to what he’d done.

“I don’t understand why you’re upset.” He said to her.

She almost laughed at him she was so angry. “Are you kidding?” She asked. “You violated my privacy, you exposed me to another dancer!”

“You’re mad at me because I love you? Because I think you’re beautiful, and I want to show you off?” He asked, moving closer to her.

Annabeth stood up from the chair and walked away from him. “That’s not what you did, and you know it.” He didn’t look guilty or remorseful. He just stared at her like she was the one in the wrong, like she was crazy for not seeing the situation from his point of view. His indifference felt violent. “We were going to be a family, Luke.” She said, her voice quivering. “You promised.”

She walked towards the kitchen, unable to look at him.

“We are going to be a family.” He said.

Annabeth sobbed again. She leaned on the sink, afraid she might throw up, but instead the words she had so far been too afraid to say left her mouth.

“I’m not going to marry you.” She said into the sink.

“What?” He asked, standing up to walk into the kitchen.

“I’m not going to marry you.” She repeated, turning around to face him. “I can’t believe you would hurt me like this.” That was a lie; he had hurt her like this before, just never in this way.

“Annabeth –” He tried to reach out to her, but she dodged him.

“Don’t touch me.” She said.

“You wanted to be a family. And we will be if you don’t throw that away over something so stupid -”

Annabeth cut him off by throwing her engagement ring at him. When that hit didn’t satisfy her, she picked up the vase of roses on the table, and raised it over her head, letting the flowers and water splash on the floor. When she moved to throw it, Luke flinched. She paused before putting the vase back on the counter. She took a deep breath, overwhelmed by her own anger. They started at each other for a moment. He felt like a stranger to her.

“I want you to get your shit and move out.” She told him.

“You can’t just kick me out.” He protested.

“Oh yes I can, your name’s not on the lease.” She told him.

Luke bent down to pick up the thrown engagement ring. “No,” he said, “but is yours? Or is it your daddy’s name?” He asked. He pressed his body close to hers. This time, Annabeth didn’t move; she stood frozen, half with fear and half with pride. She felt his left hand wrap around the curls at the base of her neck; his right hand held her left hand. From a distance, their position may have seemed romantic, but Annabeth felt vulnerable in his grasp.

She tried to look him in the eyes, but she was met with a cruel look she could barely stand. She stood still, not wanting to make him angrier than he already was.

“You wouldn’t have anything without him or me, Annie.” He told her. Annabeth shook her head as much as she could with his grip still in her hair. That’s not true, she wanted to tell him, I know that’s not true, but she couldn’t find the words. “And he doesn’t love you, not really.” Annabeth started to cry again. “You’d be alone without me.” He said again. She sobbed, resisting the urge to lean against him for comfort as always had.

He dropped the hand from her neck. The ring had been clenched against his palm, leaving an indent in his skin. He took her left hand. “So let’s put this ring back on.”

She clenched her fist, resisting it. “No!” She said, stepping back from him before he could grab her again. Her sock met the puddle the flowers had made, and she slipped backwards, crushing the roses under her weight.

Luke leered over her. He looked like he might spit on her or kick her, but he just frowned and shook his head as he slipped her engagement ring into his pants a pocket.

“You’ve never been less attractive,” he told her, before walking towards their bedroom

Annabeth sat motionless in the puddle of flowers, watching him move through their bedroom, gathering street clothes and dancewear. Annabeth couldn’t be sure of how long he’d been in there, but he emerged eventually with a suitcase and a dance bag.

“The wedding is off,” he said to her, as if it had been his idea, “until you can get your act together.”

When the door slammed behind him, Annabeth curled up on the floor and sobbed, gripping the roses in her fist. She crushed them until the petals stained her fingertips and the thorns cut her palms.

~~~~~

Part Two: Sparkling Diamonds

“He’s your guy when sparks are high, but beware when they start to descend / Diamonds are a girl’s best friend”

Silena and Beckendorf hadn’t been far away, reluctant to leave her alone, despite her protests. Once Luke left, they came back, collected her, and brought them to their apartment for the night. Annabeth was grateful for them. She didn’t like burdening people, but they were right. She hadn’t wanted to spend the night alone.

She woke up in the morning to the sound of a blender. Their ‘guest room’ was a futon in the living room near the kitchen. It had been a surprisingly comfortable bed, which Annabeth was grateful for.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” Beckendorf said, pouring the fruit mix into two glasses and offering one to her.

“Thanks.” Annabeth said, taking the glass. “What time is it?”

“Seven.” he said. “Class starts in a few hours, then dress rehearsal, but I’m sure Chiron will understand if you don’t want to –”

Annabeth shook her head. “There’s no reason for me not to dance today or in the performance. I’m not sick, I’m not injured, I’m doing it.” Luke had tried to take so much from her, and she wouldn’t let him take dance.

Beckendorf could tell that there wasn’t any use arguing with her.

Annabeth stood in the wings, taking deep breaths as she watched Luke at the barre. She picked a spot on the stage as far away from him as she could find, avoiding his looks, and trying to look as though the past night’s events had no effect on her.

Class helped her refocus. It was a methodical focus on technique and control, and that’s what she needed in that moment: control.

Dance had always been her escape. It was what she did or where she went when she felt like there was no one on her side. It didn’t matter that Luke was in the company with her, she tried to tell herself, or that other people in the company had seen photos of her, what mattered was dance.

Have other people seen the photos, she thought suddenly. She hadn’t asked Luke, but if he showed them so casually to Beckendorf …

She tried to put the thought out of her mind, trying to convince herself that if someone else had seen them, they would have told her. But Luke did have a lot of friends in the company … She snapped herself out of the thought spiral, returning her attention to the ballet master’s next combination.

She wished Luke looked worse. She wished he looked like he had been crying all night, or like he had been betrayed, or like he felt guilty, but he didn’t look like that at all. He just looked like any of the other dancers. Annabeth tore her eyes away from him, refocusing on the combinations, trying to keep Luke as far from her mind as she could.

Annabeth took a deep breath as she stood in front of her dressing room mirror. Her costume glittered with crystals and rhinestones. Even her tights were white to match the tutu and bodice; her pointe shoes had been spray-painted to match. Carefully, she pinned a bejeweled hairpiece to her bun, the final bit on bling on her costume.

“Looking good,” Piper said. Piper was the Diamonds lead in the second cast, and her dressing room roommate. Second cast rehearsed after the first, so Piper was still lounging in her normal dancewear.

“Thanks,” Annabeth said, trying to steady her breathing. She had run to her dressing room quickly after class to avoid as many people as she could, but there was no avoiding Piper.

Piper had spotted that something was wrong from when they had first gotten into the dressing room. “Are you okay?” She asked Annabeth.

Annabeth shook her head as she peeled off her warmups and took down her hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Piper asked.

Annabeth thought for a moment before shaking her head. If she tried to talk about it, she worried she would break, and she didn’t have time for that. She just wanted to relax, enjoy a small lunch, and go out and run the ballet. “No.”

“Okay,” Piper said. “But I’m here if you need me.”

Annabeth nodded. “Thanks.”

Before every show, Annabeth had a recurring nightmare. They were always the same: the orchestra played her cue, she ran out on stage, slipped, and fell on her face. She would get up, and try to continue, but she couldn’t remember the choreography, or she’d do the choreography to the wrong dance. Last night, Annabeth had dreamt that she went out on stage, met the corps and Percy, all in their gilded white costumes, only she was in her red costume from Don Quixote, and she could only remember the steps to Kitri’s act one variation.

She looked down at her costume. It was definitely white. She did a few steps, confirming for herself that she did remember them.

The curtain fell at the end of Rubies, and Annabeth tried to hide herself in the shadows as much as she could as Luke left the stage, but he found her.

“Good luck.” He said smiling. To anyone else, it seemed sweet; to her, it felt deeply insidious.

She tried to smile back, but she felt her stomach churn looking at him, so she just looked away towards the stage as the corps took their place.

He barely moved away from her, taking a spot in the wings where he could see. He’s going to watch, Annabeth realized. That’s okay, she tried to tell herself. He’s just a company member. He wants to watch. He’s allowed to.

After a few minutes, the corps left the stage, and the music for the pas de deux began. Percy entered the stage from downstage left, and she entered from upstage right. They moved slowly to meet each other in the middle. For a moment, all her nerves melted away. She was doing the thing she was best at, and nothing could get in her way.

The dance was slow and elegant, and she and Percy worked well together as partners. She didn’t have to think about anything during the dance. She found peace for a moment as her body moved through the music.

She took his hand and dropped down into a penche, a standing split, one leg going straight up in the air as her body dropped forward, supported by him. Her gaze drifted past Percy though, into the wings, where Luke was still watching. She saw him whisper something to one of the young corps girls, who put a hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. Annabeth’s heart rate rose as she lifted out of the penche, turning around to move on with the dance. On the other side of the stage, she saw the Stoll brothers, good character dancers, but also good friends of Luke. They were looking at something on a phone, smiling and not paying attention to the dance. They’re looking at the photos, her anxiety told her. They’ve seen them. How many people do you think have seen them?

She turned back to Percy; her movements less precise as she began to spiral. He could tell something was wrong, and tried to help her through, holding onto her tighter when he could to help her stay steady. He’s probably seen them, she thought. He knows. They all know.

She stopped.

She stood flat on the stage as her heart rate rose. Out in the audience, she heard Chiron call for the orchestra to pause, but his voice sounded far away.

“Annabeth? Are you …” Percy started.

She shook her head. “I’m so sorry, I can’t do this.” She said to him. She didn’t recognize her own voice or what she was saying. She looked at Luke one more time. He was smiling.

Annabeth turned and tore off stage in the other direction.

Her dressing room door was opened for her, and she tore inside. She was met by Piper who pulled her into a hug. “I was watching on the monitors.” Piper said, squeezing Annabeth close. “What happened?”

Annabeth sobbed into Piper’s shoulder, holding onto her to keep herself from collapsing, making no effort to explain. Piper didn’t push her to, she just held her until Chiron knocked on their door.

“Annabeth, can I speak with you?” He asked through the door.

Annabeth pulled away from Piper, grabbing tissues to wipes her eyes and nose. “Yes, can I get changed quickly?”

“Of course,” he said, “meet me in my office.”

Annabeth looked at herself in the mirror. Her makeup was running, and her eyes were red, but her hair and costume were still pristine. She took a deep breath and grabbed a makeup wipe, removing all traces of the streaked makeup.

She knew before entering Chiron’s office that she wasn’t going get through the conversation without crying. If he was merciful, she’d still have a job at the end of it.

When she walked into his office, he asked her to sit, looking at her with a removed sympathetic look.

“What happened out there?” He asked her.

Annabeth began to cry despite her best efforts not to. She had hoped she’d make it longer than four seconds.

The story of the night before came spilling out of her. Chiron listened silently, his eyes going wide with shock at some of the details. She finally mustered up all the courage she had and told him: “We’ve been together since I was an apprentice.”

He sat up straighter in his chair. “Well, this is all incredibly unacceptable,” he said.

Annabeth could tell that he didn’t know what else to say to her.

She had spent all morning trying to convince herself that Luke wouldn’t be a distraction. That dancers date all the time and break up. They keep going, why couldn’t she? But she knew it was different. He had a hold on her that he wouldn’t let go of easily.

She took a deep breath and admitted: “I don’t think I can keep dancing here as long as he’s here.” She started to cry again. The idea of losing City Ballet was a nightmare. Losing it because of Luke, though, was never something she expected. But it wasn’t a nightmare at this point, it was a reality she was living.

“Well, we certainly wouldn’t want to lose you, especially considering the circumstances,” Chiron said. “Let me work on keeping you here.” He said. She wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, though. “Do you know what your next step will be?” He asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t … I haven’t had much time to think about all of this. I just …”

“Why don’t you take some time off?” Chiron suggested. Annabeth looked at him, her heart racing. Other than a few injuries, she had never just taken time off before. “If you think that would help.” He added. “I’ve watched your career since you joined the school at fourteen. I want to see you dance here, but I also want to see you heal.”

She thought for a moment before nodding. “I think a break would help.” She admitted. “I hate to do that though.”

“Take your time,” Chiron said. “The ballet will be here when you come back.”

“Will Luke?” She asked.

“Not if I can help it.” Chiron said. Annabeth let out a deep breath and almost smiled.

“I don’t want this to be huge news in the company, though. I’m sure there will be rumors but –”

“We will do what we can,” Chiron promised her. “Do you have someone to stay with?” He asked. Annabeth nodded, hoping Silena and Beckendorf didn’t mind if she crashed at their place for another few nights. “Great,” he said. “Keep me posted on your situation. And if you pass Piper, tell her she’ll be dancing Diamonds with Percy first cast. Katie will take Piper’s second cast spot.”

Annabeth nodded, and headed out of the office.

When she stepped into the hall, she was met by Percy, still in costume and looking worried. “Hey,” he said, walking up to her, “are you okay?”

Annabeth didn’t know Percy that well, but they had been in the company together for years. This was the first time they had partnered together though, and they had started to become closer. She still didn’t know much about him except that he was kind and funny (and he had eyes so green it should be illegal.)

She was almost overwhelmed that he cared about her enough to wait outside the office to check on her. Luke, she noticed, was nowhere to be seen.

“I’ll be okay,” she told him, hoping that was true. “I’m so sorry.” She added.

“Don’t worry about it. Do you need anything?” He asked.

She shook her head. “Thank you. I’m not going to be performing, though. I’m taking a break for a bit.”

He looked shocked, but he was too polite to ask any questions. “Good luck,” he said. “And really, please let me know if you need anything.”

Annabeth nodded and headed back to her dressing room to pack her things and tell Piper that she’d been promoted to first cast.

~*~*~

Present Day

“So, I left, stayed with Beckendorf and Silena for a few days while Luke moved out. A month or so later, I went down to Virginia until December,” she finished telling Percy.

They were sitting on her couch facing each other. She had tucked her knees up to her chest, closing herself off as she told the story. She had asked Percy to come to her apartment during the phone call, sending him an Uber. When she opened the door for him, she nearly collapsed against his chest, pulling him in for a hug. Percy hugged her back, holding her tightly. He felt grateful that she still trusted him enough to be close to him.

As she told him her story, he wanted to pull her in close, but she kept to one side of the couch, hardly looking at him as she recalled some of the more painful details.

Percy hadn’t felt this angry in a long time. He had known men like Luke before, he had lived with one for too long, and he didn’t like the idea of anyone having to put up with that, and certainly not for a decade. Certainly not still.

“Fuck him for doing that to you.” Percy said finally. He tried to conceal his rage; he knew it wouldn’t necessarily be the most helpful thing to add to the conversation.

Annabeth took a deep breath. “He’s the worst, and I can’t believe how much time I wasted with him.”

Percy moved closer to her, just close enough the rest his hand on hers for comfort.

“Did you ever end up pressing charges or anything?” He asked.

Annabeth shook her head. “I tried. It seemed like the right thing to do. I met with a lawyer and it was … awful. It was just hours of traumatizing questions of whether or not we had evidence or foundation. It wasn’t helping me get better. There was one moment where I realized that I if I had to sit on the stand, I’d be more likely to throw up or have a panic attack, rather than offering any evidence to help my case.

“So eventually, I sat down and thought about what I actually wanted. And I wanted to heal, which wouldn’t happen as long as this process was on going. I wanted him out of City Ballet, which Chiron was already working on, and I wanted him out of my life, and to get rid of the photos. So, we settled between the two of us. He’d leave the ballet and move to Portland to work for his dad, which he did, and he even let me delete the photos of his phone myself.” She let out a grim laugh. “Should have figured he had them somewhere else.”

She took a deep breath and continued. “But, anyway, he left, and I hadn’t heard from him until today.”

“Do you think you’ll go forward with something now?” Percy asked. “Because I’m sure Mr. Gmail could get that email back if you –”

Annabeth shook her head. “Probably not. I mean, maybe? I don’t know. I’ll probably call him at some point and ask about today, but I still don’t think I’m ready for any legal process.”

“Don’t you want him to face consequences?” Percy asked. Percy thought back to Gabe, and how many times he wished that his mom would divorce him, or that a school councilor would notice that Percy was bruised. That someone would do something to get him out of his and his mom’s lives. None of that ever happened. The happiest day of Percy’s life was when they’d found Gabe in the Hudson – some unsettled poker debt and a bar fight. His mom had never let him know all the details, but Percy always figured that his body must have been even more bloated and smelly after a few days in the river. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want something similar for Luke, instead of him just walking away to a different life.

“I wanted to hurt him,” she admitted. “When I held up that vase, I wanted to hurt him, to make him bleed, to make him vulnerable. But more than that, I wanted to keep my career, to keep my life.”

“Do you think your career would be ruined by exposing him? You’ve already got Chiron on your side.”

“No,” She told him. She paused for a minute, thinking about what to say.

“You know, the day after he moved out, Jewels opened,” she said. “I went and sat all the way in the back. Chiron had pulled Luke from “Rubies,” but Jason was dancing in his place. From all the way in the back, he looked like him. But that didn’t bother me. I felt nothing. The thought of him being on that stage didn’t make me angry, and the thought of him never dancing on it again didn’t make me happy. But then “Diamonds” started. And I saw you, up on stage with Piper, and I just started to cry. Because I didn’t know if I’d ever be on that stage again.

“I left New York a few days later, and I spent months with therapists, and old dance teachers, and my journal, and Greys Anatomy reruns, just trying to figure out what do, and …” She trailed off and stared at her hands as she took a deep breath. Finally, she looked back at Percy. “I’m just trying to do what’ll make me happy, and, right now, pressing charges won’t do that, I don’t think.”

Percy didn’t say anything. She started to cry again, and he handed her a tissue and her glass of water, offering a short pause before she continued.

“We were engaged. I told him I wanted to marry him! We were a month away from the wedding. I had a dress! Have a dress; it’s still in my closet.” She looked over towards her room, her gaze distant.

“I know we like to think we live in some liberal utopia, but how many judges will look at this case – look at me – and think I’m just some vindictive would-be bride who got dumped? I have no evidence of our relationship before I was 18, and even then, it’s slim. Most people think we started dating when I was 20! It’s just my word against his.” Percy wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that there would be judges who would take her seriously. Or lawyers who would encourage him to settle, getting her a restraining order or something. But he knew Annabeth was smart; if she didn’t think that was possible or good for her, she wouldn’t do it.

She shook her head, looking down again, blonde curls a curtain covering her face. “And for what? Maybe he’ll face consequences if put before the right judge, but what are the consequences for me? I have to sit in front of a room of people I don’t know and tell this story again? Ask them to believe me?” She sobbed again.

“I never even told my dad what happened. What? Am I supposed to sit in court and say, ‘Sorry dad, you trusted me to go off to New York and I got taken advantage of for a decade in the apartment you pay for? Now watch some lawyer hold up nude photos of me?” She laughed and sobbed at the same time before continuing. “No. I can’t do that.” She took a deep breath and took a sip of water before continuing.

“Percy, I’m so embarrassed. I’ve spent the last few months trying to understand that I was taken advantage of, and harmed, and that it all wasn’t my fault, but … I lived with him for five years. I believed him when he told me he loved me. And not just when I was sixteen. I believed him when I was twenty-five. For ten years, I thought he loved me. And I’ve never been so wrong about something, and I am so embarrassed. I have a fucking wedding dress in my closet and –” she cut herself off with her own sobs, taking a few more tissues from Percy, who just rested a comforting hand on her leg as she cried.

She caught her breath after a moment. “I don’t want people in the company to know what happened. Going to trial would just mean everyone finding out. I don’t want rumors that I’ve slept my way to the top to get worse. I don’t want people to judge me, or pity me, or hate me. I don’t want people to know the photos exists, because they’ll just go looking for them. I just … I can’t give up what I have right now for a trial that might result in nothing.” She took a deep breath. “I know it might not be the right thing to do. It’s not the brave thing. But it’s what will make me happy right now.”

Percy nodded. It didn’t matter what he wanted to do to Luke, or what he felt he deserved, he reminded himself. He was at Annabeth’s apartment to comfort her, not to try and tell her what to do.

“You know, I danced the Sugar Plum Fairy when I was seventeen?” She said. Percy nodded, he had heard that story before, but he didn’t know why she was telling it. “I was in the morning class,” she continued, “before the matinee. I was going on that night as snowflake and flower. Right before class started, Chiron came up to me and told me that whoever was dancing it that night was out. I don’t even remember who I replaced, but he told me that I was going to do it. I had about four hours to learn it, get in a costume, and get on stage. And I remember Lee Fletcher was my cavalier.” Percy knew Lee, of course, he was one of the oldest dancers in the company. He had retired two years ago, but he still came back for the Nutcracker to play Drosselmeyer. He was possibly one of the kindest people Percy had met at City Ballet besides Beckendorf.

“So, Lee and I go into a studio and just start running the dance over and over with a ballet master. Then I got into a costume and waited for act two to start. While I was waiting, I remember him coming up to me and saying ‘Don’t worry. If you forget the steps, just make it up. If you forget the steps to the pas de deux, just make it up, and I’ll follow your lead.’ And I could tell that he was kind of joking to lighten the mood, but also very serious, and that was exactly what I needed to hear. But, anyway, I went out for the solo, it went great. We did the pas de deux later, it went great, and I felt like I was on top of the world. I had debuted at Sugar Plum at seventeen.” She smiled. “And then I went backstage, and one of the ballet masters just said, ‘great job Annabeth. Go bring that costume back to the shop, we need you as a party guest, a snowflake, and a flower tonight.’ And that was it. I had my moment, and it was over as quickly as it had been given to me.

“And then, this November, I agreed to do some guesting performances at my youth company. I would be their Sugar Plum for their Nutcracker performances for the first two weeks of December, and then I would move back to New York right before Christmas. And then Chiron called me and asked if I was coming back for Nutcracker. I told him I’d be back in the city on December 20th, and that was planning on doing the Spring season shows, but not Nutcracker. And he said ‘December 20th? Can I put you in for shows after then?’”

“And I just said ‘yes, of course.’ I didn’t realize until I said that how much I wanted to be back. He put me in for three shows, all with Beckendorf. The first one was December 23rd, and I was standing in the wings, waiting to go on. I felt so nervous and so calm at the same time. Then Lee came up behind me, and he was all dressed up as Drosselmeyer, and he said ‘remember, if you forget the steps, just make them up.’” Her voice caught, and she started to cry again, but she spoke through it. “Then he hugged me and told me that he was glad I was back.

“I thought no one remembered that day. It had all happened so quickly. No one was in the audience to support me. I didn’t even have time to call my friends or family to let them know it was happening, and it was over so fast. But for him to come up to me nine years later and show that he remembered that day, and that he knew how important it was to me it just … it meant to world to me. And I knew that this was where I wanted to be and dance for the rest of my career.

“And I just want Sleeping Beauty to be perfect, because I want people to know that I am back, I’m not going anywhere, and that I’ve worked hard and I’m good, and I’m not giving that up.” She paused and took his hand. “And I know you understand that.” Percy nodded. He did understand. The two of them had come from incredibly different trainings and upbringings, but somehow, they had both landed in similar situations. They were leading a ballet together, and half the company thought she wasn’t qualified to do it, and the other half thought he wasn’t qualified. But they were all wrong, and they would show them.

She squeezed his hand but kept holding on. “Today, when I was in costume and on stage again, I felt so strong. I was balanced on two tows, and I felt like nothing in the world could knock me over. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way.” She smiled faintly, looking up at Percy. “I just want to keep feeling that way for right now.”

Percy nodded and smiled. “It’s your decision, and I won’t try and push you in any other direction,” he promised. “But I’m by your side no matter what.”

“Thank you, that means a lot.”

Percy took a deep breath. “I do kind of understand what you’re going through.”

He ended up telling her most of the details he remembered about Gabe. Their ‘guys secret’ where Percy gave him poker money or else Gabe would punch his lights out. His yelling, his smell, and the day Percy realized he hadn’t been the only one being hurt by Gabe. Annabeth kept holding his hand as he talked through the story, offering him comforting squeezes when it became too much.

“Then one day, he turned up dead in the river, and it seemed like all of our problems were over.” He said. “My mom and I were suspects for a little while, but they eventually figured out it was some gambling dispute turned bar fight.”

“Who knew that of all the things, this is something we’d have in common?” Annabeth joked. Percy laughed for the first time that evening.

Percy only noticed how long they had been holding hands when Annabeth let go of his. She turned her body to face foreword, putting her feet on the ground for the first time in hours. “Anyway, I hate to ask you this,” Annabeth said, “but would you be willing to stay here tonight? Just in case he tries to come around or something? If not, I can call Silena, I’m sure –”

“Annabeth,” Percy said, “of course I’ll stay.”

She let out a deep breath and smiled. “Thanks. You can take the bed.” She said.

“Absolutely not. I’ll be fine on the couch. I’m not taking your bed away from you.”

“No, seriously, I’ll be fine. Besides, this is a pull-out couch.” She said, patting the couch cushions.

“That might be worse.” He said.

She stood up and stretched. “How about we settle this later, and for the time being, we pop on a movie? I can make popcorn.”

“That would be fantastic.” Percy said. They didn’t have a rehearsal the next two days, so they could afford to stay up a little late. They both needed to unwind.

“I have Netflix. I used to have more DVDs, but Luke took most of them when he moved out. All he left were Moulin Rouge and the behind the scenes footage for the Lord of the Rings movies.” She said, walking towards the kitchen.

“Wow, what a psycho.” Percy said.

“He took Psycho too.” She added. Percy laughed, before standing up.

“Can I help you with anything?”

“Wanna melt the butter?”

A few minutes later, they were sitting on Annabeth’s couch, under the same blanket with a bowl of popcorn in between them, as Baz Luhrmann’s colorful early 2000s masterpiece started. Musicals weren’t Percy’s favorite genre (although he was always partial to Ewan McGregor), but he understood them. They were like ballet. Musicals and ballets were things that your logic understood, but your emotions did. And Annabeth had a number of emotional reactions to the film.

By “El Tango De Roxanne,” they had finished the bowl of popcorn, setting it on the table, and she had taken his hand, gripping it with anticipation as the scene went on.

Percy worried about their movie choice the Duke ripped the diamond necklace from Satine’s neck, before stripping her and abusing her, but Annabeth kept her eyes forward as the music swelled. “You made me believe that you loved me,” The Duke said to Staine. Annabeth didn’t move, but Percy squeezed her hand as the Duke tore at Satine’s clothes. She didn’t move until Satine’s death; Percy watched her quickly wipe tears from her face.

“Luke always hated this movie.” She said. “Probably why he left it.”

Percy could figure out that a movie that punishes jealousy in love would make Luke squirm. He wanted to ask what Luke had against the behind the scenes footage of The Lord of the Rings, but it didn’t seem like the appropriate time.

When the credits rolled, Annabeth wiped her eyes quickly, before standing up to take the popcorn bowl to the kitchen.

“So,” she said, “you’re taking the bed?”

“Absolutely not,” Percy said back, “you’ve had a very long day, and it’s your bed. You’re taking it.”

“You are my guest and an absolute saint for listening to me for hours and hours.” She walked back to the couch and poked him in the chest. “You are taking it.”

Percy laid down on the couch. “Nope, I’m just fine right here.”

Annabeth groaned. “You know what? It’s a king-sized bed, why don’t we each just pick a side?” Her face was a little red, but that might have just been from crying.

Percy nodded, trying to seem casual. They had done plenty of intimate things on stage, but that was their job. Sharing a bed platonically felt like a new level of intimacy unmatched by any ballet moves or stage kisses. “Alright, but you’re picking which side first.”

“Fine,” she agreed. “If you need something to change into, I might have something.” She offered.

Percy looked down at his sweatpants and tee shirt. Usually, he just slept in his boxers, but that wouldn’t do for tonight. “I’ll be alright in this.” He promised.

They took turns in the bathroom, and Annabeth found him an extra toothbrush to use, which he was grateful for. He texted his mom, briefly explaining the situation to her. Sally had texted back: “Thank you for staying with her, I’m sure she appreciates it. Be safe.”

“It’s not like that.” He texted back. She just sent back the shrug emoji and a blue heart.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, Annabeth was already in her pajamas – just a plain black tee shirt and flannel pants. She had gotten under the covers on the side near the window.

Percy almost smiled getting into bed with her, but he held back, not wanting to make anything weird. It was weird enough being in Annabeth’s bedroom at all. Most of her furniture was white, and her shelves and dressers were decorated in photos of her dancing, trophies, and a few old pairs of pointe shoes that she had written the date on and the name of a show. Before she turned the light off, Percy noticed a pair hanging by their ribbons over the nightstand on his side. They were particularly faded with age, and the ribbons were fraying. “The Nutcracker, 12/6/2011” they said. Percy smiled.

“Thanks again for staying.” Annabeth said, already rolled over away from him.

“Of course.”

She reached over to the lamp on her nightstand and clicked it off, leaving them alone in the dark.

~*~*~*~*

A/N: Sorry this became so thematically tied to Moulin Rouge. It wasn’t that way about five hours ago. Damn you Baz and you’re wonderfully stylized musical.

Jewels: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9Z2-0GVvIE&t=4374s (skip to 59:31 for the pas de deux) Kitri act one variation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOvXo841L1o Sugar Plum Fairy solo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pKwCEfGRDU Sugar Plum pas de deux: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy6dlGpC3Ns (this is not the NYCB choreography, but you get the point) El Tango De Roxanne: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn0xXo1gwGY

#percy jackson #annabeth chase #percabeth #charles beckendorf #silena beauregard #luke castellan #Percy Jackson and the Olympians #once upon a pointe #Piper McLean

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theothersideofhim · 5 years

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Stan Figures It Out: Part 1 (or, Asmodeus’ Super Fun Beehive Poking Text Log) (or, Nobody)

((So a few days ago me and Sarah went through a lot of really cool character development, but it was all over discord. I’d really like to have a record of it over here and let ya’ll read cuz it was GR8.

Broke up it up into two parts since it’s so much, and this is part one. Basically Ash ( @ashenheartx ) decided to bother Stan about stealing his idea of making Merlin into a Hell puppet for a hot second, his previous relationship with God, and basically have a big old gay crush on Lucifer. Stan hates all these things and overreacts in true Stan theatrics fashion.

Warnings: NSFW descriptions and general lewd emojis. Ash being Ash. No other triggers far as I know.

Next part to come soon, probably tomorrow.))

Ash:

[txt] ps fuck you for stealing my idea and then failing it btw this is overdue

Stan:

[txt] OH CONGRATULATIONS

[txt] ITS BEEN HOW FUCKING LONG? AND YOU JUST GET THE BALLS TO FUCKING SAY SOMETHING TO ME?

[txt] WELL WELL WELL AT LEAST I KNOW YOU CAN DO MORE THAN FUCK

Ash:

[txt] well your butt was already spanked figured itd take this long for it to heal

Stan:

[txt] HARDY HAR HAR. YOURE REAL FUNNY YOU KNOW THAT? I SHOULD GIVE YOU A PROMOTION TO HEAD FUNNYMAN

[txt] GUESS WHAT THE CURRENT FUNNYMAN IS DOING?

Ash:

[txt] ruling hell for you

Stan:

[txt] WHA

[txt] NO

[txt]

[txt] I PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF THE WRITING TEAM FOR RICK AND MORTY

[txt] SO KEEP THAT IN FUCKING MIND

Ash:

[txt] you lied so hard and fast

[txt] you STUTTERED IN TEXT

Stan:

[txt] WELL I FIGURED THATS HOW YOU LIKED IT

Ash:

[txt] STUTTERED?

Stan:

[txt] I MEANT HARD AND FAST BUT FROM YOUR TRACK RECORD YOU DO SEEM TO LIKE SHRINKING VIOLETS SO

[txt] SHRINKING SHRIEKING NUNS

Ash:

[txt] that was ONE nun

[txt] well alright it was mORE than oNE nun but she was special circumstance

Stan:

[txt] MMMMHMMMMM. AND BY THE WAY THAT WAS TIME WELL SPENT GOOD JOB. THAT DIDNT TURN INTO AN INCREDIBLE FAILURE

[txt] WHILE WE'RE ON THE FUCKING TOPIC

Ash:

[txt] he is only a failure FOR NOW

[txt] he's still not a defective one like many others

[txt] and has actual power

Stan:

[txt] Yeah he does I'll give him that

[txt] Can you really blame me for trying to step in and speed things up?

Ash:

[txt] yes

Stan:

[txt] Nope not allowed

Ash:

[txt] it is allowed because now it will take TWICE AS LONG

[txt] because now he has sex and it's not as much of a pressure point

Stan:

[txt] im sorry im

[txt] IM FUCKING

[txt] gagGING BE RIGHT BACK

Ash:

[txt] ?????????? stop thinking about my son's dick

Stan:

[txt] YOU MENTIONED YOUR SONS DICK and please DON'T act like you DON'T think about it

Ash:

[txt] it's kind of my entire schtick to think about hidden treasure

Stan:

[txt] Isn't the real hidden treasure the dicks we sucked along the way though

Ash:

[txt] see now ive gone from mad to camaraderie and i dont appreciate that

[txt] some how i doubt you have sucked any dicks tho

Stan:

[txt] OH NO IM THE DEVIL OOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[txt] IVE SUCKED ONE DICK DONT @ ME

Ash:

[txt] 🤔

[txt] proof

Stan:

[txt] UH IM SORRY

[txt] THEY DIDNT REALLY HAVE KIK OR SNAPCHAT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE UNIVERSE

Ash:

[txt] bitch you gave god a bj why isn't this FRONT PAGE news

Stan:

[txt] THERES SOME HIDDEN TREASURE FOR YOU NOW FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt] GURL WE AIN'T DONE WHO ELSE YOU BLOWIN

Stan:

[txt] RIGHT NOW IM PRETTY SURE EVEN ENTERTAINING THIS CONVERSATION IS CONSIDERED SUCKING YOUR DICK SO YOU??????????

Ash:

[txt] pretty sure my poor dick is flacid and not in your mouth but okay

Stan:

[txt] THE LAST THING YOU WANT IN MY MOUTH IS YOUR DICK

[txt] I'LL SUCK YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD

[txt] ILL VORE YOU FUCKING TRY ME

Ash:

[txt] honey

[txt] darling

[txt] you've done worse to me please

[txt] oop kink shamed the devil

Stan:

[txt] If there's anything that can be said for me

[txt] It's that I don't have that as a kink

Ash:

[txt] shocking honestly

[txt] what with that mouth tum

[txt] but really not even luci? slacking

Stan:

[txt] YOUSHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT LUCIFERS ENTIRE DICK

Ash:

[txt] why the FUCK would i do that? it's a good dick

[txt] ESP WHEN IT'S CUTE AND SMALL

Stan:

[txt] LISTEN YOU OVER GLORIFIED FUCK BUDDY

[txt MAYBE I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR LITTLE """""HIDDEN TREASURE""""""

Ash:

[txt] my cute butt because that's not hidden at all and you can ask luci

Stan:

[txt] Is it motherfucker????????????? Is it???? You're telling me you let Lucifer fuck you in the pussy????????????????????????? Because I'm calling bullshit on that. I'm calling bullshit that you ever allow anyone to get that fucking close to you anymore.

Ash:

[txt] well all of that is true, but he is aware of it i am sure. we didn't spontaneously know each other when we dropped out of the sky

[txt] besides you probably dont share treasure like that because then how do you get to roll around in it when you want to to feel special. you dont. that's like telling people where the candy stash is

Stan:

[txt] YOU REALLY HIDING THE CANDY FOR LIKE 6000 YEARS CHIEF?????[txt] AT THE VERY LEAST I SHOULD GET A TASTE

Ash:

[txt] oh wait did i let the cat out of the bag for you because wow??????????????????

[txt] didn't you already know i had a pussy like come on man you've probably found it already

[txt] it's pretty hard to remember some of that time when we first got down here though

Stan:

[txt] oh no bitch

[txt] i definitely knew

[txt] a shame you don't reMEMBER the fun we had

[txt] but it's been a WHILE AND A HALF

Ash:

[txt] must not have been all that good?????????????

[txt] dick wasn't bomb apparently

[txt] besides you alwyas had a thing for luci

Stan:

[txt] I'LL PUT A BOMB IN YOUR ACTUAL ASS I DID NOT ALWAYS HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND STOP CALLING HIM LUCI

Ash:

[txt] you had a THING for luci the first day we hit Hell don't even pretend you didn't

[txt] luci luci luci

[txt] how else am i supposed to say his name when he poppin that puss

Stan:

[txt] IM GONNA F CU KING PISSS

[txt] FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt] 💄💯✨

[txt] and lemme remind you; it pOPS 💦

[txt] if you aren't saying 'luci' when you come im not sure what you're doing with your life

[txt] but it's the wrong thing, darling

[txt] i'll pray for you and your weird little obsessive love affair

Stan:

[If Ash is anywhere near the ninth level of Hell at that moment he might hear Stan literally screeching like a raccoon being rammed with a tennis racket. But then shortly after he wouldn't hear anything except for the illusion of Mitski's "Nobody" chorus playing on loop. It was sad and melancholy and repetitive and perfectly summed up the insult Stan WANTED to say about Ash's fucking life, but wasn't able to get past the screaming. Who the fuck cared about Ash's little opinion? Nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody....]

Ash:

[Look, Ash is a CACKLIN' instead of being offended because if Stan had meant to camouflage his feelings he had instead loudly broadcasted them. So, as a final goad, he gently hit send one final time.

[vid] it's grainy like ten years ago small cellphone quality with sound, but it sure is Lucifer getting railed from chest to between thighs. it's less than thirty seconds and includes orgasms that end with dick withdrawing with an aforementioned pop and leak of white fluid

[txt] ❤️ 🎵 ttyl ]

Stan:

[Stan was having a HARD TIME OKAY????? He sure as fuck didn't need to be called out by Ash, and he sure as fuck couldn't keep up the illusion as soon as the video came through. That song snapped right out of Ash's reality with the same kind of swiftness as Stan's surprisingly potent jealousy boiling up within him. The phone got thrown on the ground, stomped on, punched a few times, then kicked across the motel room.

THEN Stan got out a bat and beat the phone within an inch of it's digital life, manifested a hydraulic press and squished the phone with 12 tons of pressure per square inch, before finally mANIFESTING A GERMAN LEOPARD 2A6 TANK AND ROLLING IT THROUGH THE MOTEL LOBBY TO FINALLY DESTORY THE PHONE.

(And then blast it with the tank's fully traversing rotating gun turret but by then he'd realized he'd never get that image out of his head no matter how much damage he did the phone.)]

#ashenheartx #burningfeathersx #discord shenanigans #long post #tried to make this easy to read as possible but if you have any trouble let me know #TLDR: WHY YOU MAD??? CUZ LUCI'S PUSSY POPS SEVERELY AND YOURS DON'T?????))#ooc

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porloquevivoyo · 5 years

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You know

Three things happened recently that Should have broken me in a way- but surprisingly didn’t.

1) seeing my friends new baby.

A little backstory- after Julian was born about 4mopp we were so emotional and loving parenthood that we decided to NPNT it was a few months later when my period returned and the very real possibility of getting pregnant was on us that we thought through it all and realized Key West was not the place for us to have another child for many reasons. We moved and of course the thoughts and conversation came back but we were going to wait until I had one schoolyear down- wellllllll now I switched schools and I want another schoolyear down again so here we are WTTC all over again.

This has been hard. Sooooo hard esp because I always wanted to be “ready” to have kids. Meaning once we start having them- we could keep having them and that our life would always be ready (even writing and rereading that I see how absurd that is). But life never goes as expected. Anyways, with that being said my friend’s firstborn is younger than Julian and she just had her second. I went to go see the baby and what I thought would be a hard thing for me that would leave me longing and upset at some of our life circumstances actually left me feeling whole. I could hold her daughter and her older daughter in my arms feeling not only so incredibly happy for her, but content. As I held the baby all I could think about was “Aww I forget how tiny they can be!!” And then I passed the baby back and was happy to go back home to my family and go on with my day. The feelings of longing and even a tinge of jealousy didn’t surface as I thought they would. I still want to wait. I don’t have any urges to compromise on when we’ve decided to start again.

2) Seeing invites for breastfeeding photo shoots and world latch-on events

I never got to attend events like this with Julian even though we nurses for 2.5yrs and the photo shoot from last year I didn’t even get to be a part of because being the toddler he was Julian did not want to nurse at that moment.

Seeing these events do bring some sadness, as I wish I could join. And I’ve dealt with the guilt of stopping our nursing relationship back when I did. With all of that- I thought that I would feel different but instead I know I’m not done yet. I will eventually have another “nursling” and eventually get to join in on these things. In my body, I listen to how it responds and I realized it responded with relief because I don’t have to give up of myself for awhile, also with contentment because I truly believe I gave it my all. I want to shout YOU GO GIRL to other nursing moms at whatever stage they are at. I see Julian and I know being on this side has been just as sweet and not as scary as I thought it would be. I’m still me.

3) I went to see my midwife

First time since the birth pretty much. I thought I would cry. I thought I would wish I was seeing her for something other than a well check. And while I was driving honestly it was interesting driving there not pregnant but instead as a mother and it was an interesting experiences with my feelings and a rush of memories of shaking my bump in my seat to fetty wap 😂😂 (of course this time I was instead listening to a podcast oh how times change 😂)

Anyways, I actually felt joy in seeing her and excitement and pride in showing my now almost 3 year old son! And then I felt really good. Happy to tell her the growth and changes that have come up to our family. And then relief when she said she would attend my next birth in a heartbeat(eventhough she is retired)!!

Ugh growing our family has been the most heart twisting experience but feeling content in our family(size) right now is surprising and also relieving. I know our story isn’t over, I know we aren’t done yet, I know our story as a family has barely begun. I know there’s so much lore than stressing about these things because the fact is we are a family right now and we have a calling and a purpose right now as we are.

#personal #its long #but im also processing #i process when i write about my thoughts #also this one is not specific to one friend that can be like yes girl lol #so here i am lol

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roominthecastle · 6 years

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“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.” - Aristotle, The Art of Rhetoric

Well, look at that ancient Greek dude rolling out a pitch-perfect summary of - what I currently consider to be - Liz’s core issue on TBL. My core issue is that I cannot keep things brief, so I’ll poke this some more bc damn S5 was so much better than I expected, and it left me with an urge to try and sort this canon mess into sth I can swallow.

What’s the deal with Liz, why is her relationship with Red in such a terrible shape at the end of S5, and why is that a likely promise of better things to come?

It’s possible to look at this deterioration as a more or less continuous (organic!) process that reaches back at the very beginning; a process to which both characters have contributed their fair share over the years and now they are reaping the consequences and setting themselves up for a potentially healing collision.

I. Liz has narcissistic traits. Red is a natural born charmer with closely-guarded secrets and a pervasive guilt-complex. Putting them together is like putting mints in a bottle of coke: even on a perfect sunny day it's the kind of fun that leaves a mess.

II. Liz’s traits are amplified by Red’s behavior and Red’s behavior is warped by Tom’s presence. When Red scales things back (i.e. stops going on guilt-trips whenever others don’t feel like facing the consequences of their actions), it only makes things worse. This is the dark side of their intense "lock and key" dynamic, the deep angst pit that has been fore-fronted since S3B due to a rapid sequence of betrayals Red suffers from those closest to him. Tom triggers both empathy and repulsion in him, which in turn feeds his self-hatred and prompts him to keep enabling Liz out of guilt, creating an unsustainable bubble that finally bursts in S5.

III. The current name of the game for Liz is repression and denial, for Red it’s still obsession and rumination. At any given time Liz works off of a partial image of him, which is less about him keeping things from her and more about her purposefully ignoring parts of him in a misguided and doomed attempt to keep an illusion of safe simplicity (she does this with Tom, too). Meanwhile Red displays clear signs of compassion fatigue, which comes with its own destructive habits and distortions of reality.

IV. Sprinters are bad at running marathons. This simple truth has been a background tension factor in the Red/Liz relationship from the get-go. It’s mirrored in Red’s earlier troubles with Madeline and in Liz’s “Tom problem”. It keeps them united yet out of sync, which leads to misunderstandings, doubts, and quite a lot of friction.

more on these behind the cut:

I. Liz has narcissistic traits. Red is a natural born charmer.

Liz has a narcissistic streak and a tendency to delude herself as a messed-up coping mechanism, all of which she voices right off the bat in the pilot episode when Cooper asks her to profile herself (and to give us a brief intro to the character). These manifest chiefly as

(1) angry, aggressive outbursts (2) a sense of entitlement/egocentrism (3) blame-shifting

and she displays these traits to varying degrees throughout the show.

Now add to these the standard “Reddington Effect” that gets pointed out by other characters, articulating what Liz has been feeling since day one:

“There's no one on earth who can make a woman feel like the center of his universe more than Raymond Reddington.” (204)

“I was star-struck. It was exciting and captivating and... it consumed me. My work, my marriage.” (411)

We can also witness this "soft power” in action when Red approaches Zoe, Berlin’s daughter, to use her against her father. We can see how easily he can charm and pull people in to get what he wants. Sometimes it hilariously backfires - as it should - but that’s beside the point rn. The point is, Liz seems to receive this standard treatment, too, and she’s immediately, intensely receptive to it.

We can see both the positive (fascination-attraction) and the negative (rejection-aggression) side of this chemistry early on. She gets exposed to Red’s regular charm routine but it’s ultimately a v different experience because what those women quoted above don’t know (and what Liz still doubts) is that with her, his feelings run very, very deep. She is both the means and the end, the journey and the destination. Neither can walk this road without the other but walk it they must.

II. Liz’s traits are amplified by Red’s behavior and Red’s behavior is warped by Tom’s presence.

Thank God I have Tom, because with you, I never know what to believe. I have never lied to you. How the hell would I know?

Red’s secretive, seductive, guilt-ridden behavior feeds Liz’s narcissistic impulses.

(1) His ingrained "I will never tell you everything” ground rule regularly forms a volatile mix with her proneness to irritability and anger. There are countless examples of this (often understandable) reaction with a wide range that goes from a raised voice to actual physical aggression.

(2) It also clashes with her belief that she's automatically entitled to be told everything, regardless of the possibility that knowing might not make much difference to her but could get others killed, or the fact that she’s often careless w/ sensitive info and sometimes straight-up ignores the answer anyway.

This is an irresponsible and wasteful way of going about getting answers. Wanting to know doesn't entitle anyone to know. It's not at all surprising that Red - whose very life depends on carefully calculated discretion - is rarely fully forthcoming. Still, this is a major source of friction, esp as it seems to run counter to him telling her how special she is and treating her as such with a consistency that most well-adjusted people would fall for. A narcissistic personality like hers stands even less chance. This triggers jealousy and possessiveness very early on, and later engenders a full-blown expectation that when push comes to shove, he would always put her needs above anybody else’s, including his own. This (partially conditioned) expectation is in play e.g. when Tom re-enters her life and also when he violently leaves it again.

(3) Red is also burdened with a lot of chronic guilt which makes him an easy target for blame-shifting by those select few he loves. He often allows Liz to push blame on him for things he is not responsible for and he suffers in silence because “in his heart, he knows he must pay”. This also enables her to delude herself into thinking that he's indeed the unified source of all her problems, which makes her receptive to Mr. Kaplan’s terrible Solution to Nothing that targets him as such. Red has branded himself a “sin eater” and this gets taken full advantage of in a way that veers into emotional abuse. It paves the way for Operation Possum and its fallout that ripples across the next two seasons.

These 3 major negative “lock and key” interactions combine and reach a very unhealthy peak in S3/B. Liz’s thoughtless, pointless fake death stunt pushes Red to an edge he barely manages to pull himself back from, and it throws a wrench in the delicate cogwheels of their relationship where the degree of functionality and “healthiness” has always hinged on proportionate reciprocity (of good and bad alike). The faked death plan is - among other things - so disproportionately cruel and so exceptionally dumb and pointless, it unhinges this interplay.

It shakes Red from his grief- and guilt-induced stupor and cracks his habit of putting Liz on a pedestal. In S4 it is now Dembe who gets to be referred to as the "light in the darkness", which, given the changed circumstances, is a much better arrangement for both Liz and Red. Red would never ask anyone to carry this burden but the truth is, he needs someone like that by his side to keep him from falling to pieces. Dembe is a centered, reliable, well-adjusted person who can carry this heavy weight. Liz can't and she shouldn't, either. Now Dembe needs to be the lighthouse keeper as they navigate their stormy relationship.

On top of pulling Liz from the pedestal, Red also begins to scale back his willingness to play buffer and absorb blame. He pushes back against the kind of behavior he partially conditioned and enabled. He refuses to give in to Mr. Kaplan’s absurd and reckless vendetta that still targets him as the “root of all evil” in Liz’s life. He refuses to keep serving as a scapegoat for Tom’s failings and Liz’s self-imposed blindness, but the most significant “slight” contributing to the big fracture in his relationship with her is his refusal to share the secret of the bag.

“That’s why you’re here. That’s… Not to help me, not to avenge Tom’s death, but to help yourself and get your precious secret back.”

It is less about the secret itself and more about Red prioritizing it above her. She is jealous again but this time it is not directed at a person but at his “precious secret” that ultimately separates him from her, and once again it masquerades as projected and misplaced anger stemming from her deeper desire for their relationship to be close and genuine.

We have been here before when the Fulcrum surfaced:

"That's why you came into my life then. And that's why you're here now. Not because of me or who I am to you, whatever connection we might have, but because of some... object. Some thing."

and after her name gets cleared in S3/B:

I thought maybe after all we've been through the past three months that you might want to take a break. It's a mythic battle, and it's not anywhere close to being over. It's your battle, not mine.

and then again with the bag of bones. “Not me but” is the underlying issue that gets to her in each of these instances and it always manifests as anger.

From her warped perspective (warped by pain, confusion, and narcissism) he is deeply hurting her and taking everything from her to keep himself safe and cozy. It is the complete betrayal of her (partially conditioned but still unreasonable) expectation that he’d always put her and her needs first. In her eyes, this is again proof that their relationship, just like the one with Tom, has been a mere tool, a manufactured illusion, which - coupled with the impostor reveal - must truly mean Red never really cared for her at all.

But her assessment is once again dead wrong because she refuses to take a careful look at all the available information in proper context - a broader context where her personal issues are not the only ones of importance and where Red not bending to her every wish, esp those that make him deeply miserable or an instant murder victim, is not a sign of lack of genuine feelings but of a healthier attitude. She is also projecting anger at her own dishonesty with herself on him, and while it worked back when Red was receptive to it bc it was conducive to his self-flagellation, this messed up coping mechanism is finally breaking down, too, due to his increasing resistance and the multiplying events that signal he was never that alleged single source of evil.

"We want the same thing."

Indeed. It's the need underpinning Liz's anger, the same one Red has already articulated, albeit indirectly: "an inextricable intimacy and a commitment." Liz uses anger to express this, Red uses fish stories and Tom.

We were both half right. Together, we were right.

Liz sees Red's commitment forever lying elsewhere: with his precious secrets. Red sees Liz's commitment tied up in her relationship with Tom even after his betrayal, even after his literal death. They’ve been longing for the other to break away and commit, but this longing still manifests indirectly and out of sync: she pulls Tom between them like a guardrail (and DG, too), so Red flees into his “work” as a defensive response, which she interprets as lack of genuine interest and withdraws further into safe denial, and we have a vicious cycle on our hands. Despite all that, she still wants him to give up his secrets and he still wants her to give up her fixation on Tom. It’s no accident Red is so captivated by her when she describes her fantasy to him. It’s v much his, too.

But they both feel betrayed right now and both cling to their respective security blankets: Red to his secrets, Liz to her anger.

III. The current name of the game for Liz is repression and denial, for Red, it’s obsession and rumination.

Liz's remark about Red during her therapy session is telling and relevant here:

"Some of what he's done is unimaginably bad. But some of what he's done for me is unimaginably good."

She has been privy to many good things Red has done for others (hell, an entire county once) but those are not factored in when she evaluates his "goodness". No, this is about her and again, it produces only a partial image. It is a good start to say to an outsider that they don’t have the full picture of who he is (or can be) and therefore their understanding is skewed. However, the same goes for Liz and she refuses to accept that her POV is limited, too, and that she is complicit in it being so. DG is a prime example: she is handed a DNA test and everything that contradicts the result is pushed aside at once. The same happened when Tom told her he was a changed man: she ignored the contradictions, so she could have the illusion of stability. Red withholds information but it’s Liz who blatantly lies to herself about many things.

But back to the quote above: so only what Red does for her is weighed on the scale of goodness. Only that defines his moral character. It is decidedly untrue but again it's a manifestation of possessiveness and something Red partially conditioned in her in moments where e.g. he says saving her helps him live w/ himself (104) or where he implies that being with her allows him to become less of a monster (209). As a result, he is reduced to something less but something confined to her, something conveniently simplified that - depending on her need - is easier to either embrace or scapegoat. When he goes along with what she wants (whether it is actually good or not), he is a welcome, positive presence. When he refuses her (no matter how justified or necessary it is), he is deemed toxic and gets rejected. But after Tom inserts himself back into their lives and after the fake death betrayal, Red seems to have less and less willingness to silently confine himself to her whims and wishes, and they finally reach a breaking point in S5.

Fans on both sides of the "why does Red care so much about Liz" fence focus heavily on love as his primary drive, and label the nature of the R/L relationship accordingly: parental and romantic respectively. What else could explain such grandiose display of unconditional love other than being related or being in love? To quote Red, "perhaps there's a third option." There is and despite it being on full display (or maybe because of it since the show has conditioned us to assume a convoluted mystery everywhere) we often overlook its importance:

With Red, guilt is the operative word. This is the governing emotion right next to love (a more recent development) to which many of his grand gestures are anchored. The pervasiveness of guilt in Red's life is pointed out several times in the show, most notably in episodes 104, 216, and 319:

“The farmer, who is no longer a farmer sees the wreckage he's left in his wake. It is now he who burns. It is he who slaughters. And he knows, in his heart he must pay.”

“The truth of it is, once you start down this road there's no logical place to stop. For the first few years, it may work. You'll draw some measure of virtue from being her invisible benefactor. But that won't last. It's all a fraud. That it's really not about her at all. That it's all about you. And you're just going through the motions to salve your own guilt. All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her. Everything else is just a nice gesture.”

“It was a Hobson's choice. There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Worst thing by far. I was arrogant. I presumed that there was an order to things, that there was... that if I nourished and protected and taught the child, she would be safe and happy. And she was neither. No matter what I tried to do, all I brought her was misery and violence.”

In each, the debilitating nature of guilt is given emphasis, the symptoms of which are exhibited by Red throughout the show. Chronic guilt can be an extremely powerful drive. As Red notes, "once you start down this road there's no logical place to stop". He genuinely believes he owes Liz an immeasurable debt and that nothing, not even wrecking or even giving his own life for her, could make up for it. If we look at his behavior from this perspective, the primary answer to why he is willing to go to such great lengths for her becomes obvious. He loves her, too, of course, but love is - as noted above - is a more recent, healthy development, and it still has to co-exist with deep-seated guilt that keeps it in a toxic choke hold. This combination is the main reason why he cannot deny Liz anything (see: Tom) and why he's so vulnerable to blame shifting. When someone believes they deserve to be used and punished by the one they also come to love more than anything, the danger of abuse skyrockets, too.

Guilt-driven gestures, no matter how grandiose, are ultimately selfish and fake, as Red observes. But after he finally meets her, love starts creeping into the picture, shifting their dynamic and imbuing it with something real and selfless. And Red starts pushing back a little now where Tom is concerned. This sprouting, deepening love, however, gets badly trampled on when the guilt-trips and betrayals come. Red endures them because guilt says "you deserve it", but it no longer has quite the same hold as it once did. Heartbreak is a somewhat sobering experience but until the still unknown source of his guilt is uncovered and addressed, his relationship with Liz, his love for her, cannot reach genuine fulfillment.

IV. Sprinters are bad at running marathons.

Red and Liz want the same thing (as we have established above) but she is impulsive and wants it now whereas he is wary and plans long-term.

“I can’t tell you what I’m gonna want 10 years from now. Even a year from now. I just know what I want right now.”

Liz is no fan of delayed gratification. She has wants and she wants those satisfied "right now" even if it means she has to trade a more secure, more enduring yet still unavailable future (Red) for a readily available present of poorer quality (Tom). The former requires hard work (of the sweat, blood, and tears kind), honest self-evaluation, careful planning, and lots of patience. The latter is just easy and right there, so she cuts straight to the finish line, then it all promptly comes crashing down on her.

This is what happens after her exoneration in S3B. She goes to Red but instead of some quality personal time, he acts prickly and distant, then whips out a giant map to show her how just much hard work still needs to be done before Odysseus can even consider returning home. Her response? She rejects it (and him with it) and goes straight back to Tom. He promises to give her everything she wants right there and then at a discount. She only has to bury her head in the sand regarding a couple of things and since Liz is prone to self-delusion and denial by default, she jumps at the opportunity. This is where her relationship with Red begins to go off the rails.

“Circumstances are far more complex than we ever imagined. I’m betting on the long play. The future.”

Red plays the long game when it comes to the most important things in his life, and he doesn’t shy away from torturous self-examination and self-denial to secure enduring results and a better future for those he loves. Liz’s relationship with Tom was a sprint with many corner-cutting and the inevitable letdown. They had a short present, but no future. With Red, there is a future still but Liz has to run a marathon to reach it and being a sprinter, she struggles a lot.

But she is not the only one struggling. Red is still traumatized by the loss of his family, which makes him instinctively reluctant to try to settle down again. Those who inflicted that debilitating loss still represent an active force in the world (see: the map). The longing to settle down is certainly there. It’s a dream he shares with Liz. They practically wish upon it under the stars while “Our House” is playing, but on top of his guilt and grief, the circumstances seem to be forever against him, so he doesn’t dare actively push for it like she does (he even rejects Agnes at first). He redirects his focus to the “job” to try and create a safer environment and maybe a future opportunity. This folds back to the marathon approach that Liz rejects at first but now, after Tom's demise, she must face. She vows to destroy Red but I don't think it will be a literal destruction. Deep down they still want the same thing and even though they have yet to admit it openly, they want it with each other.

Their time spent on the run in S3/A is immersed in the theme of a shared home. Liz and Red seek refuge in a theater where the stage is set as a home. This is where Liz tells Red about her fantasy and this is where Red immediately retreats behind a wall when he realizes that Liz will be pulled back into Tom's orbit.

“I’m not interested in what you want. I’m interested in what you deeply desire. I can sense that death and vengeance aren’t what drive you, Elizabeth. Or feed your soul. [What does?] A lost world, I suspect. Another life. If you can’t face your truths, I can’t be of service.”

The Djinn makes a clear distinction between “what you want” and “what you deeply desire”. It is echoed in the tension-filled dream Liz has where Red removes Tom from the picture just when he is about to spill a secret (nice piece of foreshadowing btw), then stalks up to her bed and asks her the same thing - not just what she wants but what she really wants. This image of Red stepping up as a sexual-romantic partner after her husband’s demise is shoved deep down in her subconscious. It is one she is not yet ready to face, but it is there - the option of making a home with him, an option he, too, keeps at arm’s length due to past trauma and present circumstances, and it adds even more tension to their interplay.

This exact type of unresolved tension has already popped up on this show when Madeline Pratt re-entered Red's life w/ some grievances.

"Florence was everything, our way out, a fresh start. But to you, it’s all just a job."

She feels betrayed and played for a fool because Red chose to continue living his danger-magnet criminal life, prioritizing it over her and their intended home.

"They used Pratt as bait, faked the kidnapping in order to bring Red into the Kings’ custody."

Later on, counting on his savior complex, she lands him in hot water to get even. She stages her own kidnapping and lures Red into a trap set by an enemy with a score to settle. If it sounds familiar, that’s because we see something similar play out between Liz and Red. It’s low-key in the background during S3-4 (w/ the whole home theme) and gets kicked into high-gear in the S5 finale (when Liz thinks he played her for a fool so he can continue living his criminal life):

We were out. You said the ship we were on was headed to Spain. Change of plans. Because? Because after far too much time playing defense, today’s the day we switch to offense.

They could get away and start a new life but Red refuses to quit his "mission". As mentioned above, he tells Liz they still have a lot to do and her reaction is disappointment, and when Tom offers her everything Red is not yet able (to go away and start fresh), she accepts. And this is when their downward spiral begins in earnest and all the accumulated hurt peaks in S5, in Liz's very Madeline-esque plan to fake a kidnapping and lure Red to one of his enemies for some answers and score-settling (the same business the Kings were into w/ their illicit auctions):

If you’re gonna tell him you hurt me, he’s got to believe you. You knew Reddington would come for you. He got to do what he always does: try and save me.

Indeed. And he is about to confess his greatest secret to save her life when they get interrupted and an alternate solution presents itself. He kills Sutton, takes the bag and leaves. Liz vows to destroy him after this and I think she is right. Raymond Reddington needs to die for good this time. He needs to die so the man behind that mask can finally emerge. He needs to die so Liz can finally face and understand the full picture.

Red’s guilt feeds on the secrets he keeps and Liz continues to cling to her anger because these secrets are a wedge between them. The murky past and their distorted perception of it (Red's warped by guilt, Liz's scrambled by memory manipulation) hold them and their relationship hostage, so it must be disclosed and sorted for both their sakes. The second chance will not come until this happens. When it does, I think it will be the most cathartic moment in the history of this show.

This collision course is their way back home.

#long post #the blacklist #lizzington #(not too much i was trying really hard to keep this from turning into a shipper fantasy blueprint)#(emphasis on trying)#speculation #musings #q

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serenagaywaterford · 5 years

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1) Hey, it's me again. The idiot rambling anon. I wasn't gonna spam you again, but then I read your responses. At this point, I'm convinced you're my alter ego, lol. My thoughts are all over the place, but I'll try to organize them. So, about Nick. I've purposely avoided talking about him so far, but why the hell not? Let me make one thing clear: I'm NOT of of those thirsty fangirls. But even if I was? I wouldn't get offended or butthurt, because another person likes different fictional

2) characters (of all things) than me. I mean, big fucking deal. Each to their own, no need for apologies. ;) (My tone is a little aggressive, I know, but I’m sick and tired of some people on social media –in and out of fandoms– acting holier-than-thou and sending hate messages and even actual death threats (!) to creators or people that express unpopular opinions*. It’s reached a point where many people feel the need to put disclaimers in their posts so as not to be attacked.)

3) Back to Nick. I liked him just fine back in early S1, when he was all mysterious and his background story was unknown to us. When we did learn about it and the fandom started acting like he’s that pure, handsome angel uwu? Nah. Obviously, he’s no Fred/Serena/Lydia,but he’s not a “cinnamon roll” either. (Imo, the only decent dude on that show is Luke.) I mean, if Nick was SO altruistic, he wouldn’t have joined this job. Or even after everything went down, he could have tried to help other

4) handmaids without expecting anything in return. But no, he only helps June and that’s because he’s in love with her. I’m not blaming him for trying to survive under such circumstances, but I won’t idolize him either. Now, in s2? I’m kinda neutral about him. I don’t hate him, but I can’t say that I’m a fan either. Not gonna lie, he bores me at times, because he’s just… there. No sparks, no fireworks. Not sure if it’s the writing that doesn’t do the actor any favors, but his acting hasn’t

5) really drawn me in yet. A counterexample to this? Aunt Lydia. Her personality is despicable 98% of the time and yet. Dowd’s captivating performance makes me want to know so much more about her character.) On the other hand, I’m glad that June has someone (besides Rita) to back her up in that hellhole. She needs comfort and allies. But the whole ‘tRu Love 5eva" fanon thing? No, thanks. Not only it doesn’t fit the tone of the series, but I also believe that sharing an intense, forbidden love/

6) during such a shitstorm is not the same thing as keeping it alive after all is said and done (post-Gilead). Maybe they’ll stay together (as long as Nick doesn’t die), maybe they’ll fall apart. I can’t really see June romantically reconnecting with Luke either. After everything she’s been through… She’s a completely different person now. Unfortunately, the same things goes for Emily and her wife. Even though I’d love to see her interact with both her wife and her child in S3.

———

My inbox is so beautiful right now! Never, ever call yourself an idiot, my friend. (If you are, then so am I!) Brain twins, you see.

(Also sorry about this being out of order lol.)

I was trying not to talk about him too cos generally I just … I prefer not to think about him much. The fangirls, just, *sigh*. I try to avoid as much as possible in this fandom, esp on tumblr. Just hang out in my quiet little, not-Serena-hating corner. I always feel a need to put disclaimers these days cos as much as I don’t really care about random hate, I’d prefer not to have to deal with dogpiles or to look at it lmao. Like people can go around just hating on any character here–especially if they’re women–but say one critical (not even hateful) thing about their male fav and things just go off.

I’m more than aware the majority of people don’t like Serena and think she’s the worst thing ever. And fair play! (I get it… cos I’m not delusional. She’s awful.) Each to their own. I don’t go around bitching at people who say shitty things or stuff I don’t agree with, or blocking anybody who doesn’t like her. (There are a few posts I do engage with cos normally they seem like they want to go deeper in The Discourse but most Serena/Lydia/Eden/Janine/June-hate I just ignore.)

ITA. S1 was, like, okay. That’s Nick. What’s he up to? What’s his deal? (I don’t really care but I’m not opposed to him either. Just like I didn’t care about Luke’s backstory/escape.) He’s trying to be good to June and she needs that.When we did learn his backstory I was not pleased cos he seemed like a twerp but whatevs. Grey characters are grey. It wasn’t until S2 that I started to get irked by him (and the hypocrisy of his fans but that’s a whole other issue).

I can’t agree ANY more with your assessment of Nick. Like that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been saying! Firstly, he was RIGHT THERE when the Handmaid/Ceremony thing was first suggested and was like “Oh, yeah, great idea!” to Fred. I get that perhaps he was pressured to go along to keep his job but that’s a stretch imo, and if you can give him that sort of leeway, why can’t characters like Eden, Serena, Lydia and June get the same benefit of the doubt for certain things? Why is Nick’s pressure to keep his job more important and forgivable than anybody else’s pressures? It’s like that entire scene doesn’t exist to fangirls and Nick is so precious and in love and wonderful. Then there’s the rape of June. Like I know it’s pretty controversial to look at it that way, but that first time, with Serena overseeing it like a fucking creepy pimp (YUUUUUUCCCKKKKK I HATE IT THANKS) was rape. June barely knew the guy and I’m pretty sure if she wanted to have sex with him it wouldn’t be like that! And sure, after that, it was totally consensual but that first time was not. And I’ve heard the justification and excuses of “Well, Nick didn’t have a choice either!” which I call bullshit on, cos Nick is not some powerless delivery boy.

He’s a fucking Guardian who is tight with the top Commanders. He’s a man, if nothing else. Serena can act all high and mighty but she’s still a woman in a highly misogynistic society. I’m not convinced Fred would take his wife’s word over Nick’s tbh, especially if it was like “Dude, your crazy wife asked me to fuck the Handmaid you’re obsessed with”. If he really didn’t want to do it that badly, he could have taken that chance to report Serena. Even if Fred wanted to keep it hush hush away from other Commanders, he would have gone after Serena. Men are far more likely to turn on women than each other, esp in THT. But that’s just my take. Maybe I am missing something about Nick’s status. To me, it was like double rape. Neither of them wanted to do it, like that anyway. But Nick also did fuck all to stop it when IMO he did have some power to do something. He is not a helpless victim in that society, imo. Again, probably not a well-received opinion.

Don’t even get me started on his “Poor me!” routine in S2 when June tells him to have sex with Eden. I’m glad she called him on that bullshit. (But again, over the fangirls heads. Enough about them!)

Basically, everything Nick has done wrong isn’t his choice; he’s just a victim. In a story about women, Nick’s victimhood at the hands of these nasty women and men is the real issue. Blah. Whatever.

I just find Nick lacks total self-awareness about being part of the shitty ass system. He kind of just floats around thinking nothing is his fault and he’s blameless for it all, and he certainly can’t seem to see it from anyone’s perspective except his own. He’s upset about Fred & June’s Jezebel trips, not for her own safety or well-being but mainly he’s jealous. Of course he’s concerned about her safety but I believe it takes a backseat to his jealousy. He just seems to never take any responsibility for anything.

And BINGO about the previous Handmaid. Nothing we’ve been shown has given any hint he cares about any other woman’s plight in Gilead other than June, and only cares about her cos he had a crush/fucked her/is in wuv wiv her. Basically, she’s HIS so suddenly he cares about her. Look how fast he dumped that Martha as soon as he got brooding about June. He’s done fuckall for anybody except himself and that alone makes me dislike him. He’s no better than Fred in that way for me. But where Fred can occasionally be an interesting villain, cos Fiennes is nasty good, I find the actor who plays Nick just… not engaging. And he’s not SUPPOSED to be a villain! He’s meant to be a good guy! It’s crazy. He’s not compelling, he’s not interesting. He’s bland. He’s not even good looking, lol. I was watching with a friend once and mention I thought Fred was way better looking than Nick and she just stared at me and said, “You shouldn’t say that. But me too.” So, count me in the camp that just does not get the appeal of the character OR the actor.

I don’t hate Nick generally. I am just totally indifferent to his existence. If he left the show tomorrow, I’d shrug and probably be a little glad I don’t have to see that bland moping anymore. If he stays, oh well. Shrug. And I just don’t want his and June’s star-crossed romance shoved down my throat. It’s so… I dunno. I’m not opposed to June finding solace and hope but making it some beautiful forbidden romance, I’m not buying it. Like you said, it’s all well and good in Gilead–but it doesn’t strike me as something that can be sustainable outside it. To borrow from you last time: It’s the Handmaid’s Tale, not The Guardian + the Handmaid’s Tale.

Okay, enough about that pipsqueak. I don’t even like talking about him, tbh. He’s not worth it when there’s so much else going on.

ITA about Luke/June too. I feel like the level of disconnection and trauma that they’ve sustained, especially June, they can try to reconnect but it’s pretty difficult and I think especially with June having a sexual/romantic relationship with Nick pulls that really tight. It’s just two different planets they live on now. I don’t doubt that she still loves Luke, but actually reforming the relationship they previously had seems like an impossible task considering everything both of them have been through. It’s sad, but … sadly true for many people. Relationships can fall apart for far less.

And on the same page about Emily/Sylvia too. She is just soooooo fucking broken, and hopeless, that if they have them just rekindle with no issues, it’ll be bad writing. (I dunno if you see spoilers but there’s one about them.) She needs therapy so much more than a cutesy feelgood storyline.

Back to Lydia: Exactly! There’s a character we know very little about and who is a horrible person, yet the performance by Dowd makes almost everyone go, “TELL ME MORE!” With Nick, it’s the opposite for me. I’m just like, “Please, less of this.”

#Anonymous #rants and raves

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thesearchforspirk · 6 years

Text

1 x 1 : Where No Man Has Gone Before {Subtext Study}

As we’re going in production order (which seems to produce a more linear story) the story of Gary Mitchell and his tinfoil eyes is where we’ll begin this journey into Star Trek subtext. There’s quite a bit in this episode to wade through, particularly of the homoromantic quality, so let’s get started.

Tellingly, perhaps, our episode opens on our two main objects of study playing their beloved three-dimensional chess. As someone who has been in Spirk fandom for awhile now, I can attest that 3D chess is mentioned as an activity Kirk and Spock engage in together in their recreation hours in about 99.9% of fanfics (logically, the chances of them having recreation hours that overlap with one another is about slim to none, given their respective positions, but a little willing suspension of disbelief never hurt anyone). However, I think we only see them actually play it in-canon in about 2-3 episodes total, if that.

Still, there’s something significant about the choice of chess as a game for these two to engage in and this particular game’s history as a means of courtship and flirtation.

This is also our first indication that Spock adheres strongly to the fact that he’s Vulcan and “without” emotions and that Kirk delights in teasing him about the fact. “Certain you don’t know what irritation is?” Kirk asks, knowingly, with a shit-eating grin after he makes a move that Spock wasn’t anticipating (having already smugly announced he would have Kirk check-mated in his next move). The banter here relies heavily on the natural affection between the two of them, that which the script wants the audience to be aware of. Though Spock alleges to be immune to emotions he is clearly anything but, and yet, Kirk finds an affectionate delight in this fact. He’s allowed to rib Spock a little bit about this without threat of any real offense, indicating a very high level of trust between them.

Certainly this could be the banter of two who are just friends and have no unspoken attraction or romantic interest between them, but talk like this often manifests as flirtation as well. Kirk’s decidedly sultry smirks at Spock (the first of thousands that would proceed them in the next few decades of material) and his huskier tone of voice are interesting acting choices for Shatner to have made if he hadn’t intended to play Kirk as flirty in this scene.

As I will often disclaim, I’m not suggesting that the original intent was the same as the interpretation I’m asserting here. What I am saying is that the evidence for a layer of flirtation is there, be it intentional or not, and to not at least acknowledge it is to ignore the obvious.

Moving on!

Kirk has been attempting to stay alert for any news about a recently heard Earth distress signal (despite the -ahem- distractions). News of said distress signal finally comes in, interrupting this little verbal tango between our boys, and Kirk and Spock rush to the transporter room to find an old-style ship recorder. Spock asserts that due to the damage on the object it’s likely that something happened to the ship (in the vein of blowing up or whatever I guess). The recorder begins transmitting a signal as soon as Scotty starts feeding tapes into the computer and Kirk puts the ship on red alert.

Enter Gary Mitchell, barely missing the turbolift ride alongside our boys. It’s made obvious right away that Gary and Jim are close from the casual way they greet and chat about ship stuff even under red alert. Gary then turns his attentions to Spock and, weirdly, sort of sizes him up before asking in a more straightforward tone “So, you finished the game?”. Spock nods and moves forward to the doors preemptively while explaining, “[Kirk] played most illogically. His next move should’ve been the rook.” Behind Spock’s back, Kirk grins and makes a throat-cutting motion to Gary to subtly indicate Spock’s obvious loss.

When I first saw this episode, and each time I return to it after a prolonged absence, I always initially get a sort of antagonistic vibe between Spock and Gary. On my original watch I thought it was going to be some sort of bigotry thing on Gary’s behalf against Spock’s being a Vulcan (which does happen with a different character in a different episode) but that ends up not being the case here. We really have no reason to believe there’s anything antagonistic between them, at least nothing that’s addressed directly.

(note Kirk’s got another amused, if not sultry look for Spock here)

The likelihood is that Spock’s cold retreat to the turbolift doors is more attempt to escape mention of his chess defeat than anything else. Gary’s once over of him, however, and hard tone of voice might suggest something else. Could be an organic jealousy in the fact that they share a mutual, close friend and seem to be on equal levels of bonding with the same person, but don’t seem to have much in common with one another and occupy awkward spaces beside him, sort of privately elbowing one another for the same category in Jim Kirk’s life. But what is that category, exactly? Is it just one of platonic friendship or something else?

A common argument against Kirk/Spock is the assertion that Jim (specifically) is clearly a lover of women and has never taken a male lover in canon and so must be, therefore, purely heterosexual and uninterested in men. This is a bit of fallacy in an of itself because 1) of course we never saw Kirk take a male lover in any sort of obvious way, this was a show produced in the 60′s for godssake, 2) Kirk’s frequent and, presumably exclusive, taking of female lovers doesn’t necessarily exclude him from being able to find men attractive and enjoy romantic/physical relationships with them, 3) most of the time when Kirk would take a female lover it was to gain something for the purpose of a mission; only rarely was he actually indulging in sincere feeling or attraction.

All that said, there is an argument that Gary Mitchell might be the earliest precedent and indication that Kirk has taken at least one male lover before and, therefore, has a history of finding men physically and romantically attractive. Due to the attitudes of the time it’s purely speculation based on subtext and ambiguity, but one I’ll explore here as we learn more about Gary and Jim and their history together.

In any case, I will also add that sexuality is fluid and being attracted exclusively to one gender for most of one’s life doesn’t mean that one may never find themselves drawn to something different at some point. Even if Kirk had never taken a male lover, had never found men attractive in any way prior to Spock, it doesn’t mean that Spock couldn’t have been an exception. I would also assume at this point in earth’s social development that relationships of all kinds between consenting adults are accepted with much more open minds, that any bigotry that might keep someone from indulging in or owning up to a desire would no longer exist. Food for thought. Back to our regular programming.

The three men go to the bridge and take their respective places. Kirk orders neutral warp at the edge of the galaxy and puts out a ship-wide message that the disaster recorder came from the SS Valiant two hundred years ago, the hope being that more insight will eventually be granted to them as to what happened to said ship. Meanwhile, Spock continues to have no luck with the burnt out tapes.

The department heads arrive on the bridge as ordered and we meet Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, a psychiatrist that recently joined the crew. Sidenote: if the Enterprise was ever granted a psychiatrist to replace her after this episode (spoiler alert) they certainly aren’t part of the ‘department heads’ club as we never meet them- maybe due to the events of this episode, who knows, but I can at least hope the Enterprise continued to value the mental health of her crew members despite all that. I digress.

Spock announces that the recorder has finally begun to transmit something and Kirk steps up behind him at the science station because it’s absolutely 100% necessary to the mission. Completely. Because it’s not as if Kirk would probably have been able to hear him fine from his chair or anything.

(okay, this one is just me being a bit silly but STILL, really now, Jim)

Dr. Dehner expresses an interest in knowing how the crew of SS Valiant might have fared psychologically under the distress. Gary Mitchell expresses his respect of his female crewmen and women in senior positions of power by openly flirting with her in front of the crew and then, just as openly in front of the Captain, calling her a “walking freezer unit” when she doesn’t reciprocate. He even makes ‘ooo ice queen’ face at Kirk after she rebuffs him. Nowadays that would probably, hopefully, rightfully so be grounds for sexual harassment and something Kirk would’ve had a responsibility to shut down right then and there, but y’know. 60′s. Women in power are scary so we have to knock them down a peg.

Weird how Star Trek is meant to take place in a more open-minded, less bigoted, socially progressive time in our future, but is still sometimes a product of the generation it was produced in. I love it regardless, of course.

Anyway, Spock begins to relay the spotty transmitted information; apparently the Valiant encountered a magnetic storm and then, for reasons that are unclear, began frantically searching for information on ESP in humans. Kirk asks Dr. Dehner about this and she helpfully explains that some humans can indeed see future events, but that the ability is never very strong. Spock continues that one crewman seemed to have recovered and that was when the frantic search for ESP info began, followed by an apparent self-destruct order from the Captain. Unnerved by this, Kirk orders that they leave the galaxy at warp factor 1.

Unfortunately, a magnetic force field appears right about then and the two women on the bridge grab the hands of the men nearest to them because, obviously, right? 60′s. Gary and Dr. Dehner are struck by the magnetic surges while the rest of the bridges’ control panels get various levels of fucked up. Even still, the Enterprise makes it through the storm and Kirk orders Spock to collect damage reports (with a very necessary and much needed hand on his shoulder, naturally). He then checks on Dr. Dehner (who appears to be fine) and then Gary, whose head he lovingly cradles in his hands.

(This tender moment only goes on to show us that Gary has spooky tinfoil eyes now!!! Can’t even imagine how painful those archaic contacts must have been for the actor.)

Upon return from commercial break, Kirk informs the audience that the Enterprise’s main engines and warp drive have been fucked beyond use. He also has Spock checking out Gary and Dr. Dehner’s records for ESP ratings, only to see that they have some of the highest on the ship (these must be old records though because there’s no way those two are 23 and 21 years old, respectively, at the time of this episode- SORRY, BUT TRUE), concluding that this must be why they were shocked and lived to talk about it. Dr. Dehner returns with autopsy results on the deceased, informing that their brains were burned out with the electric shock. She also vehemently defends ESP ability against Kirk and Spock who are suspicious of whether or not ‘espers’ are dangerous.

Kirk then goes to check on Gary who’s been under medical observation and we’re granted a deeper insight into their friendship.

Gary somehow knows it’s Kirk before he sees him or allows him to say anything. He points out that Jim looks worried and Jim replies with a knowing smile, “I’ve been worried about you ever since that night on Deneb IV.” Gary laughs and looks down coquettishly. “Yeah, she was nova, that one.” The fact that we have no idea what they’re talking about and that this conversation barely makes any sense of is no real importance. We’re not supposed to understand. This is meant to feel like listening to two friends who’ve known each other so long and so well they’re almost speaking a shared, exclusive language about experiences and jokes only they understand. Gary talks some about his weird eyes and then he goes back to teasing Kirk. Apparently our strapping Captain was something of a bookworm nerd back in his academy days, who knew?? (His bookishness happens to be one of my favorite aspects of Kirk’s character and one that history so often forgets in favor of him being some kind of machoman womanizer- ugh) To this teasing Kirk responds with a blush that would rival that of a school girl with a crush on her teacher.

(tee hee OH GARY STOP IT)

Gary mentions how he “aimed that little blonde lab technician” at Kirk probably to distract him from being too tough in his student-teaching position, to which the latter responds with, “You what??!” “Yep. I outlined her whole campaign for her.” “I almost married her!” So, we know Kirk likes the intelligent types as much as he is one himself. Fascinating. (Sidenote: I personally headcanon that the “little blonde lab technician” was Ruth that Kirk ‘sees’ in Shore Leave, but that’s for another episode discussion) Gary warns Kirk to be good to him because he’s “getting even better ideas” now. He also has a forebodingly echo-y voice now to indicate to a wary Kirk that shit’s about to get real.

So, what’s the deal with Jim and Gary? Everything is played rather ambiguously between them, certainly in no small part to indicate to us, the audience, that they’re close and have been for years. To have them discuss blatantly spelled out exposition of their shared past would feel in-organic and I’m glad the Star Trek writers chose ambiguity for this reason. But this ambiguity, plus the sultry way Gary teases Kirk and the affectionate, bashful blushes and smiles he gets in return could easily indicate that their friendship may not be platonic (or perhaps it is now, but hasn’t always been- maybe there was some sexual exploration together at the academy and feelings due to this that Kirk never really shook). There’s subtext enough here to believe so, I think. I’ll leave it to the reader to decide whether or not Gary could qualify as one of the earliest indications that Jim may not be so immune to masculine charms as history would so direly like for us to believe.

Anyway, Kirk returns to the bridge to find Spock watching Gary’s superhuman reading speed that is ever increasing. Spock pointedly asks the rhetorical question, “Is that Gary Mitchell? The one you used to know?”. A rather...knowing question for a being that claims to not understand or experience emotions. Kirk orders a 24 hour watch on Sickbay and all the examinations and tests possible. Gary then looks over at the viewing screen, right at Kirk, as if to suggest he knows he’s being watched.

Back in Sickbay proper Dr. Dehner has arrived to...probably do an examination or something but she’s not coming off as 100% professional. Since she’s being a little bit more receptive now Gary reluctantly apologizes for having called her a “walking freezer unit” and she assures him that “women professionals do tend to overcompensate”. Once again, this has been obligatory misogyny thanks to the 60′s!!! This little song and dance continues between them as Gary changes the readings on his vitals panel and pretends to be dead (just to get Dr. Dehner close to him- smooth, buddy) and recites a love sonnet at random from memory (that was actually written by Roddenberry himself when he was an aviator- the more you know!).

It’s funny how het flirtation in this show is only different for being more blatant in dialogue and sometimes physicality. The acting choices, reactions, tone of voice, expressions, etc, are pretty much the same when the subtext suggests it’s two men flirting. Just saying.

Lt. Kelso comes in to check on Gary and Gary informs him exactly what’s wrong with the engine. Have you gathered yet that this guy has special powers now? Gee, I hope so, because it’s not as if the show has been making that abundantly clear.

The Department Heads once again meet in the...meeting room, I suppose, Lt. Kelso showing via a blown circuit that Gary was right somehow. Dr. Dehner is late because she’s apparently in love with Gary now to the point of throwing all sense of professionalism out the window; when Spock points out Gary is transforming into something unnatural, Dehner chides him for not showing more compassion despite those on his planet not having feelings like “we” do. Kirk naturally jumps to his defense and Dehner continues in her tirade, chiding Kirk also for not ‘caring more’ about his close friend. Kirk justifiably reminds her that he and Spock are just doing their damn jobs, lady, JESUS. Also what happened to the professional that wisely rebuffed Gary’s attempts to openly flirt with her in front of her colleagues back at the beginning of the episode? I’m more concerned about Dehner’s changing personality at this point, tbh.

It soon becomes clear that Dehner’s been withholding information about Gary’s abilities. Her defense for having done this is that maybe a superhuman man would be really great thing, guys, like a better kind of human being. There’s a long, awkward, uncomfortable pause while everyone in the room gawps at the fucked up eugenics bullshit she just spouted out and it’s kind of a glorious moment, honestly. Instead, offers Spock, Gary’s power will likely grow beyond their ability to thwart him and they will become a nuisance to him and who knows what kind of shit will go down then. Kirk dismisses his Department Heads with the instructions not to tell any of the crew about this.

Kirk solemnly wanders off to the side, lost in thought and no doubt conflicted about possibly having to watch someone he, well, loves (in what way is up to you) change into a monster. Spock, who can’t seem to go a minute of screentime without himself or some other character reminding us that he supposedly can’t feel or doesn’t understand earth emotions or whatever, stops dead in his tracks and slowly turns around to his Captain. Something has compelled him to stay back and continue talking to Kirk and it certainly wasn’t an order.

(the emotionless, stoic Vulcan who can supposedly feel nothing ever looks on concerned for his friend and captain. Does anyone in the crew really buy that no emotions story or-...?)

Spock basically restates what Kirk likely already knows (that Gary is dangerous, duh) and we also hear the first very important, vulnerable use of the name “Jim” instead of Captain. They’re alone, after all, and despite all protestations Spock knows how this affects his friend and cares about that. Deeply, perhaps. Even still, Spock isn’t one for soothing platitudes. He elects instead to remind Kirk of the facts of the situation and when he’s defensively asked to provide suggestions and not just state the obvious, Spock says they can basically maroon Gary on the planet they need the lithium crystals from or they can kill him. No pressure, Jim.

Kirk is upset by all of this so he tells Spock to “get out of here” and Spock insists that those are the choices, whether he likes it or not. “Would you try for one moment to feel?” Kirk rallies back, though he seems more sad than angry. “At least act like you’ve got a heart...we’re talking about Gary...” Spock says that the Captain of the Valiant probably felt the same way- and look at where the waiting got him! Spock also says he thinks he and Kirk probably came to the same conclusion. From the look on Kirk’s face we can assume Spock is right about that.

It’s interesting in this scene that the one thing we already know Kirk finds endearing about Spock -his defensive need for logic in any situation- is the one thing that irritates him enough here to throw back in Spock’s face when he presents the cold hard facts about their situation. However, we as the audience should know by now that the fact Spock was affected and moved enough by Kirk’s mood to stay back and talk to him in private indicates that he does care a great deal. What’s more, that logical perspective, rather than some simpering “poor you” sympathy speech, is exactly what Kirk needed to get his head back in the game and do what needed to be done.

This is the part where I’d go so far as to say Spock has been a better friend (boyfriend, in time) to Kirk than Gary probably ever was. Granted, most of what we’ve seen of Gary thus far has been under the influence of the evil tinfoil eyes, but we do know that Gary was one for toying with Kirk’s emotions to get him to behave a certain way (the “little blonde lab technician”). Gary is even more charismatic than Kirk and one gets the impression he knew what to say to get what he wanted long before the powers. Perhaps Gary was good at telling Kirk what he wanted to hear. Spock tells Kirk what he needs to hear and cares enough about him to bother.

In any case, the decision is made; Kirk will attempt to maroon Gary on the uninhabited lithium mining planet. He, Spock and Dr. Dehner return to Sickbay to retrieve him and Gary has become as cocky as he is powerful. He can read thoughts now so when Kirk asks him what he’d do in this position, Gary says, “Probably just what Spock is thinking now. Kill me, while you still can.” He smiles knowingly as Kirk goes and gives Spock a reproachful, sort of scolding head shake, but no sooner does Kirk come back that Gary strikes him with some kind of electric shock. Was this manipulative little smile just a result of evil tin foil eyes or was this some of a rivalry with Spock resurfacing? Hard to say for sure, as we don’t know much about Gary Mitchell prior to the evil powers.

Once Kirk is struck, Spock, the emotionless Vulcan who we can only assume has no impulse to act on, jumps quickly into action with his phaser because like hell you’re going to strike the Captain and get away with it. He too is struck.

(omg so emotionless, you guys)

Gary goes on some more about how powerful he is and how he needs the right world for his ends when Spock and Kirk somehow take him by surprise and restrain him to the bed (despite the fact that he’s supposed to have super perception and strength, but the plot needs to move after all). They also manage to somehow get him to stand up straight for the transporter despite being unconscious but, again, whatever.

Everyone beams down and Gary is put in a cell while attempts are made to salvage parts for the engines. Gary attempts some carefully worded manipulation on Kirk, recalling the time he intercepted some poison darts aimed at Kirk and nearly died from it, so why should he fear him now? Kirk calls Gary out on his true intentions and the ego that’s grown along with his powers betrays him when he attempts to launch out beyond the electric barrier. The shock drains his power and for a moment he returns to normal.

As Gary’s eyes return to their familiar brown, he says in a very small, soft, almost frightened voice, “Jim...” and we’re granted a much more vulnerable insight into the depth of his feelings for his friend. Perhaps there was some amount of manipulation to their relationship all along, exacerbated now by the god-like powers, but in this very brief moment we’re allowed to believe that perhaps Gary really did care for Jim in a sincere way as Jim so obviously cares for him. Masterful acting, that.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t last. When Gary’s eyes change back he hisses, “I’ll only get stronger. You know that, don’t you?”. Later, Scotty informs Kirk that the salvaged switchboard fits the Enterprise’s bridge and asks if Spock received the phaser rifle he ordered down. Kirk is confused for a moment until Spock shows up with the aforementioned rifle and he’s angered by this. He stomps over to a corner, followed by Spock who explains his reasoning in that Gary keeps getting closer to escaping the force field.

“Dr. Dehner thinks he isn’t that dangerous, what makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?” Kirk argues.

“Because she feels, I don’t. All I know is logic. In my opinion we’d be lucky if we could repair this ship and get away in time.”

Kirk checks on the now completed self-destruct button that Lt. Kelso has rigged up. He shares a long look with Spock before reluctantly ordering the lieutenant to press the button if Mitchell escapes and there’s no other alternative.

This conversation between them is interesting because they’re essentially both avoiding the truths of their respective situations. Kirk sounds not unlike Dr. Dehner did when she was arguing for Gary’s innocence; desperate, emotional, smart enough to know better but compromised enough to convince herself differently. Of course, her arguments were fueled by romantic affection and Kirk’s could easily just be that of a strong platonic bond but...the fact that there’s a parallel between them is interesting.

Meanwhile, the audience should be well aware by now that Spock is quite capable of feeling and acts on those feelings and impulses more than he’d like to admit. I think on some level he and Kirk both know this, so arguing that he “doesn’t feel” wouldn’t really be a convincing argument in this case for someone who knows him so well, if it was meant literally. I think what is really being said here is that Spock isn’t so deeply emotionally compromised by Gary, whereas Kirk and Dr. Dehner are (but not both romantically? Hard to believe). Spock can see and own the difficult truth of the situation where Kirk cannot, or, rather, will not.

Unfortunately this plan doesn’t work out because Gary becomes wise and takes control of some wires to strangle and kill Lt. Kelso. Back at the cell Dr. Dehner continues to argue that he isn’t dangerous and Gary 100% backs her up on this by electrocuting and knocking out Kirk, and then Spock (who of course tries to shoot him with the phaser rifle after he dares to harm the captain). Dr. Dehner finally joins Gary and reveals that she, too, now has tinfoil eyes. SPOOKY.

Later, the not-McCoy doctor comes to tend to the unconscious Kirk and Spock. Kirk wakes first but asks that the doctor not revive Spock until after he’s left to go after Gary- further evidence to the fact that Kirk is well aware Spock feels and acts on something other than logic, particularly where his Captain’s well-being is concerned; either Spock would try to stop him or come with him for protection, but either way Kirk isn’t risking it.

Elsewhere on the planet Dehner and Gary are meandering around exchanging awkward dialogue, making the artificial plant section of Hobby Lobby appear around them and eating fruit and drinking water because apparently despite having god-like powers they still need the essentials to survive. Kirk does a poor job of hunting them from the shadows; they don’t need god-like extra perception to hear Kirk stumbling around, knocking over rocks and otherwise letting the whole planet know of what he’s doing. Gary tells Dehner to go talk to him so she can see “just how unimportant they are”.

The conversation that ensues is the kind that really elevates and defines Star Trek where it is in the pop culture subconscious, one that makes it more than just space people in space doing space things, a layer of complexity that I think has been lost in the translation to the frankly horrific ‘rebooted’ series (my opinion, your mileage may vary). Dehner insists that what Gary is doing is right for her and him and other powerful Espers like them, they are where it will take humanity eons to reach in evolution, but Kirk insists this isn’t true. Though Gary may have ‘god-like’ powers, he still has his inner human frailties and demons that his growing ego won’t resist. A true God needs compassion and wisdom to temper those powers. He begs Dehner to think about this like a psychiatrist would- logically, perhaps? Indeed, Kirk is pulling from that logical need Spock has aptly reminded him of.

Gary finds them again and physically forces Kirk to ‘pray’ to him while assuring him of his inevitable death. Kirk challenges Dehner in asking her if she likes what she’s seeing, “corrupt power corrupting absolutely”. She decidedly does not and finally strikes Gary with her own powers to stop him. He strikes back and weakens her significantly, but she’s done the same to him and this gives Kirk and opportunity to show off his infamous fighting skills, get his shirt ripped open, and straddle his probable former lover in the sand. Not the first time he’ll have borderline erotic fight like this with another man. In the end, he manages to trap and I guess kill Gary in the burial plot made for him. A strategically placed boulder is all that’s needed to stop god-like powers, I’ll have to jot that one down.

(there’s no good reason for this picture other than Shatner was a really hot piece of ass back then and I like to appreciate that from time to time)

The fight has weakened Dehner too much and she dies too, as I clumsily alluded to happening earlier in this write up.

Kirk returns to the ship and adds Dehner and Gary to the list of official losses and ends their service records with the honorable notation that they gave their lives in performance of their duties. Spock, looking concerned, seems to sense the difficulty in this for Kirk and comes to stand silently beside him- a subtle gesture of support and condolence, and it would seem sufficient at that, but then he goes on to assure Kirk that, “I felt for him too” where concerned Gary’s helplessness to the power.

Kirk seems a little stunned at the confession, but the smirk that follows says that he isn’t surprised and is furthermore pleased that Spock would openly admit what he already knows so well. “I believe there is some hope for you yet, Mr. Spock,” he subtly teases with a private grin and knowing look. Spock smiles too, but not until he’s looking forward where no one can really see, not even his Captain.

Certainly there’s a message in this episode about how absolute power needs morality and compassion in equal measure, but there’s also an interesting disparity between Kirk’s two closest ‘friends’. Even before the god-like powers, Gary is very charismatic and knows exactly what to say to make Kirk grin and blush and giggle, whereas Spock is very honest, straightforward, and no nonsense. Gary seems as if he was always emotionally an open book, whereas Spock for many reasons comes across as emotionally unavailable (even if that isn’t really true).

Assuming that there was perhaps a romantic, sexual history with Gary and Jim, it would be a natural assumption that Gary allowed Kirk ‘close’ to him pretty early on, though I think the genuineness of that relationship is difficult to really call for sure. Certainly there was a strong bond between them that I don’t doubt the honesty of, but I get the distinct impression that Gary probably did a lot in the way of bait and switch, reeling Kirk in and then pushing him back out when it suited him, manipulating him from time to time.

Spock, meanwhile, is the exact opposite. Not very charismatic, tells Jim what he needs to hear rather than what he wants to, insists despite the bond growing between them and the feelings and impulses that he acts on that he can’t feel. Or rather, won’t admit that he does. Perhaps this has created something of a frustrating barrier for Jim, always feeling as if he’s distant from Spock where Gary would let him in so readily.

However by the end, it becomes clear that despite his insistence to the contrary, Spock is the more devoted, the more caring, the more dependable ‘friend’, and maybe Kirk has decided he is more than willing to go the extra mile, however long it takes, to help Spock coax down those walls if he so wishes to further their bond...in whatever form that may take.

Thanks for joining me on this long ass study of Where No Man Has Gone Before. I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts and feelings on the episode, what I’ve made of it, things I may have missed, etc. HMU!

Join me next time for a similarly long write-up and subtext evaluation of The Corbomite Manuever.

#star trek tos #spirk #space husbands #captain kirk #spock #subtext study #slash #come hop aboard the uss kirk is pansexual headcanon ship #season one #episode one #where no man has gone before

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wonwoosthetic · 6 years

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Heyy! I absolutely love your imagines and I think you are an incredible writer. I was just wondering what kind of upcoming imagines you have?

Thank you so much :)

Wow... there are quite a few, I’m going to write them in chronological order (as I got them in my inbox), but I’m not sure if I will post them in the same order, because some of them will take me longer to think about, whereas I get really quickly good ideas for some.

So here we go:

1. @buckybarnesaddicted originally by @crispyimagines17 : Sebastian was competitive by nature, always trying to elapse into his cousin Jake either in money o success. But his desire of claim everything that his cousin touch blind him at a point of no known boundaries and what a better way of making Jake´s girl slowly fall in love with him

2. Anonymous: Please do an other michael x reader imagine, w happy ending please 🙏🏽💜

3. @convenienc-e : Hiya! Could I request some Luca Changretta (Adrien Brody) fluff? Maybe a proposal? xx

4. Anonymous: Hey, do you perhaps write for zedd??? If by any chance you do, would you be able to make one about how the reader is like his girlfriend and she's a cast of the avaengers and chris evans likes her and everyone likes them together and zedd is having doubts esp when she takes him to like the premier and everyone keeps shipping her with chris. Can you make it fluffy please? Thanks

5. Anonymous: Okay, so know I was hoping if you could write about Steve, were the reader and him start some friends with benefits relationship but reader has real feelings for Steve and heard him when in Age of Ultron he said that the man who wants a relationship and settle down stayed in the ice, so the reader now is depressed and start to get distant for Steave but then he notices and realizes that he loves the reader Like a lot of angst with a happy ending Sorry if it's very specificHope you write it

6. Anonymous: hiiii can i have an imagine where the reader is part of the cast and its an off day for taping so she goes to work out w the cast and evans and seb notices a guy checking her out and they go extra protective since shes young like holland and they see her as their little sister, thank youuu

7. Anonymous: Hi could you maybe do one where the reader is RDJ's daughter and shes dating Jake gyllenhaal but he doesn't think he's good enough for his daughter you can ens it however you like 😊

8. Anonymous: can i request for a rachel zane (suits) imagine? where the reader arrives when rachel and mike are broken up and rachel takes interest in the reader cause it’s the first time she’s really liked another girl this much and her basically falling in love with reader and when mike wants to get back together with rachel she says “my heart is with another... a woman.” ??

9. Anonymous: A request of Jake Gyllenhaal where the reader is friends with Carey Mulligan and she sets the reader up with Jake

10. @dinahevans : I actually requested this on another blog but idk if they got it or not so I decided I’m also gonna ask you. May you please do a Tom hardy x reader where their daughter gets bullied first day of pre school (nothing over the top but something that a little kid would find offensive) So Tom finds out and goes talk to the parents but they where really rude about it or something idk later comforts their daughter. Thanks sorry if it’s too much

11. Anonymous: Hi can you do part 2 of double sided jealousy it was so good ❤️

12. Anonymous: May I please request a what dating Luca Changretta would include? Would he spoil you? Be reserved or express his feelings to you? I hope this is good enough, thanks lovely 💗

I also want to apologize to everyone for taking so flippin’ long, but I promise I will write and post faster! :)

I hope there are some requests you can get excited about! One is going up tomorrow!Have a lovely day/night :)

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psionicsua · 6 years

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Uncommon asks for Ko/kumo

oooh boy. here we go. this is only one of three but they are taking A While ;; long long post under the cut.

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Both of them are pretty good at this. Their minds are so busy, no matter how passive they’re being, they’re still somewhat at work. Ko would hate not being active in some capacity after a couple hours, though, his past makes him really hate stagnation. Kokumo could very easily do nothing for hours on end if left to his own devices, he would appreciate the time for introspection, but after like.. A day of nothing else, he would start to feel too guilty to not do Something.

2. How easy is it for your character to laugh?

Ko is very good at laughing as part of a persona, but when he’s not lying he’s not very emotive. I don’t think he would laugh at very much, unless he’s in a situation where he can tease someone like Rowan or Milo. Kokumo laughs a lot easier, and takes a lot of joy from fairly simple interactions, but he’s also pretty uncomfortable most of the time so he tries to stay more serene as a disguise for his negative emotions.

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

Ko doesn’t like to sleep, and generally spaces out his required meditation during the night, forcing himself to shut down for an hour or two at a time. Kokumo welcomes the chance to meditate, and probably does so as soon as the action of the day has settled and he’s finished with his journal. He’s still up most of the night, though.

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

Ko’s is almost impossible to gain, taking weeks of almost constant interaction. He only ever fully trusted in like, three people. Kokumo has an inverse of this - an implicit trust in the people close to him, and his belief that everyone has the opportunity to change themselves makes him more likely to offer his trust as a show of faith.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

Very easy for both of them. Ko mistrusts immediately, and any change in that can be quickly reverted if he’s presented with a reason for mistrust. Kokumo, while much more willing to trust, is not willing to put in the work for those who don’t want to change. If that is evident in their behavior, he doesn’t see the need to trust them.

6. Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

Ko has no regard for law whatsoever. Kokumo will play by them if he feels he has to, but he doesn’t really believe in them.

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Ko gets nostalgic for the Denten and his life with Hermione pretty easily, but he also shuts it down as quickly as possible. It hurts too much for him to enjoy his past. Kokumo.. has a very strained relationship with his past. Nostalgia specifically is actually beyond his capabilities.

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child

Ko was kind of a perfect kid for the most part, although Hermione try to keep him from putting himself in potential danger.

9. Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

Not really. I mean, a little? Kokumo would probably swear more than Ko just by virtue of his stronger emotionality.

10. What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

This is a hilarious question to me. Ko remembers all of his lies - the one he’s haunted by is the lie of the nightshade, even despite the resolution he found with Denise. I don’t think Kokumo has really lied yet.

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

Ko absolutely pretends to understand while doing everything in his power to actually figure it out on his own. Kokumo admits to it easily, esp given his circumstances, and he generally tries to both reason it out and work with others to resolve the confusion.

13. How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

They would both just ignore it.

14. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

Ko feels best in blues, but it looks pretty monotone on him. Silvers and grays are definitely more striking on him, as well as a deep black. Kokumo prefers the brown layered clothing of his youth, which actually looks very well on him.

15. What animal do they fear most?

I don’t think either of them fear any animal.

16. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

Ko’s speech is pretty measured and controlled, but he’s impulsive, which leads to him saying some wild shit. Kokumo speaks his mind, but his mind is a lot quieter than Ko’s, so he’s surprisingly a bit less talkative.

17. What makes their stomach turn?

For Ko, most other people and the mortal capacity for cruelty. For Kokumo, his own identity issues.

18. Are they easily embarrassed?

Not really, Ko can get flustered but just soldiers on, and Kokumo doesn’t really have anything to be embarrassed by.

19. What embarrasses them?

For Ko, since it’s only applicable to him - acknowledgment of his feelings or personal desires.

20. What is their favorite number?

I don’t think either has one.

21. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

Oooh man. To be frank, I don’t have the energy to get into it, but Ko has detailed theories about the three that boil down to - romantic love incites change, desire, and faith; platonic love incites understanding, acceptance, and trust; and familial loves is the foundation and the synthesis of other loves, combined a need to protect and to care for. Kokumo would agree with Ko’s theories, but has little further understanding in the matter.

22. Why do they get up in the morning?

Ko wants to keep moving forward always. Kokumo wants to do what he has to do.

23. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

Ko is pretty possessive, and if truly jealous, would become pretty clingy in order to get attention. Kokumo would go aloof and sulky in the hopes he’ll be sought out.

24. How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

Ko works to change his worldstate so that he has what he wants. Kokumo isn’t very envious, but I imagine he would try to self-actualize and understand the cause for his envy, then try to find fulfillment in the life he has.

25. Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

Nope on both accounts.

26. What are their thoughts on marriage?

Ko doesn’t like the idea of institutionalized romance. If people want each other, they will choose to be together, and if things change they should be free to leave. Kokumo sees the grounding aspect of marriage and likes the romantic notion of that stability.

27. What is their preferred mode of transportation?

I think they are both fond of traveling by carriage, bc it moves you along at a steady pace and you can sit on top or in the front in order to still be a part of the world. They also really love going walking quietly at night.

28. What causes them to feel dread?

Ko is a fairly calm person, but he also operates on plans, so when things go wrong he’ll start to feel unsettled. He’s incredibly perceptive, too, and when people around him begin to act counter to his expectations that can throw him off. Kokumo is probably similar in these situations but I’m not sure yet; he seems to be a bit more matter-of-fact when it comes to his surroundings.

29. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

They would both prefer to hear the truth, and tell a lie.

30. Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

Ko had a lot of character development in this area! So like, for most of his life, not at all. He was very blind to himself and to the world around him. But his main goal for most of the campaign was to reconfigure his ideals and embody them - I would say he almost began living up to them. Kokumo doesn’t really have a solid view of his own ideals, so, he’s pretty adrift in this regard.

31. Who do they most regret meeting?

Ko really regrets meeting Aengus - the influence and the manipulation he suffered from that relationship had really long-lasting effects on him. Kokumo kind of regrets meeting Hoth, though he understands that he should be grateful for it.

32. Who are they the most glad to have met?

Ko is really grateful to have met Hermione and Jean, but his relationship with S deeply changed him and his life goals, and his love for them was the greatest hope he had for his future. Kokumo.. Is honestly glad to have met himself. He feels that Ko’s inability to self-examine was a horrible way to live his life, and now Kokumo thinks he can start life over in a healthier direction.

33, Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?

Ko picked up a conversational game, a question for a question, very early on. And that just stuck. Kokumo doesn’t have a go-to, but he also doesn’t have a lot of reservations, so casual conversation is pretty easy for him.

34. Could they be considered lazy?

I really don’t think so.

35. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

Pretty hard for both of them - Ko just didn’t experience it as easily or as often.

36. How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?

I think both of them would be fairly impassive about it, unless they were genuinely very close to the person coming to them and/or they were also excited by the topic.

37. Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

Ko is pretty romance-oriented, he wanted very much to experience it alongside the newness of friendship. Kokumo also has that drive, but he’s in a pretty tricky situation wherein pursuing anything would be kind of uncomfortable.

38. Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

I mean.. Kind of? They both have an incredible and unforgiving memory, but they don’t have any devices they use to keep that memory fresh bc literally all of it is recorded in the journals.

39. What memory do they revisit the most often?

Hilarious. Ko often thinks about the night he lost Hermione - it informs a lot of his decisions because he sees it as his biggest mistake. And this is a big nope for Kokumo.

40. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

For Ko, nearly impossible. He’s incredibly intolerant unless he’s devoted to someone - and then he will excuse almost anything. Kokumo is a lot more willing to, if not ignore, understand and forgive the flaws he sees in others.

41. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

Ko sees himself as pretty flawless. Even when he makes mistakes, it’s because of his circumstances, not anything wrong in and of himself. Kokumo is very hyper-oriented on his own flaws.

42. How do they feel about children?

Ko really wants to be a father. Kokumo might, but I’m not sure yet.

43. How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

Ko would have (and I guess did?) given anything to achieve his goals in some way. Kokumo still doesn’t have any real goals.

44. If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

Ko would flirt. But objectively, he never regarded gender in terms of attraction - I think both of them prefer the term ‘queer’ to any direct labels though.

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?

I was - and I guess still am - very excited for Ko’s growth. He was amazing to watch and to understand as he began to change. Kokumo almost feels like.. A stumbling block in Ko’s narrative, to be honest. But I think he’s important to it, because I don’t think either of them is a ‘true self.’ Ko was almost entirely shaped by his experiences, specifically his traumas, and he really needed to overcome that. Kokumo is entirely shaped by his present and the core traits that define the character. I have thoughts on how to resolve these essentially constructed personas into a complex individual, but unfortunately, the current story arc is not the best in terms of facilitating those ideas.

B) What inspired you to create them?

Honestly, I wanted to play a warlock, I wanted to play an evil character, and I loved the mythos of The Man in the Moon as a patron. So I was more inspired to think of what patronage to The Man in the Moon would look like, and Ko kind of arose from that. He’s also very similar to me, moreso than any of my other pcs.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

I’m definitely struggling with Kokumo, which is partially due to the structure of the game right now - I don’t have much of a chance to understand how he interacts with the party, which means I don’t know some really important aspects of him. I’m also struggling a lot with his identity - is it real? It is a fugue state? How much of a “person” is he, and how much of a “person” was Ko? I think they’re both individuals, but I also think they’re two halves of a self-actualized existence.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

He’s looked pretty much the same from early drafts. I always knew he’d be my blue-haired anime boy, that he would be pale, and that his pact with Aengus would given him that silver eye. Even his clothing style and his build have been pretty consistent. The big visual change that happened in the story was definitely an edit, but one that I was fairly prepared for.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

God, okay. I am obsessed with both of them. I don’t think either of them would be a particularly nice person, but I would really want to be around them anyways. I think they would both find me over-emotional but otherwise pretty alright. Although realistically they would hate me for making their backstory so fucked up.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Pride. Lots and lots of pride, for both of them. Ko came so far and Kokumo is coping extremely well. But also frustration because they’re not where I want them to be yet.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

Ko’s arrogance definitely grates on me, and Kokumo is also kind of self-righteous.

H) What trait do you admire most?

They’re both incredibly strong. And not only strong, they’re willing and wanting to adapt to their world based on what they learn about it.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

For sure. I can’t imagine either out of context.

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

Yeah, kind of. The godly-cleansing-memory-wipe was entirely based in the rules of the narrative rather than dnd itself. But like. I’m chill with it.

#Anonymous

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taejinchronicles · 7 years

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BV2EP3 | Taejin theory masterpost: U ok Tae?

So it was highly requested by you pretty cupcakes (tks for the asks and messages!!!) the continuation of my Bon Voyage 2 Taejin masterposts with analysis, pix and my two cents on the Taejin cause. Let me tell ya, this will be a huge masterpost, so grab yourself some snacks and lets do this!!!

Even upset, VV looks like the most gorgeous creation in the universe:

If you read my Ep2 masterpost, Taehyung was really annoyed about the Namj*n bromance day and decided to go full possessive mode with Jin. We have been left wondering what would happen since our boy was clearly sad and jealous of Jin’s day with RM and about the exchange of gifs between them. The sculpted turtle that RM gave to Jin was something symbolic to V cause he and Jin went on a beach date by themselves on day 1 and saw the turtle. Perhaps this is why the turtle gift was so upsetting to V, he knew that this moment was stolen from him because to the grand public the turtle thing would automatically become a Namj*n thing. I put myself in VV’s shoes, and knowing his history with being overshadowed by Namj*n I understand why Day 3 was mostly about him sulking, avoiding Jin, sulking, possessive about Jin, sulking, annoyed with Namj*n and so on...

1. Matching red hats + close watch on Namj*n: BTS’s first commitment was the hike to the waterfall. V was wearing a red cap to match the red hat he gave to Jin cause ya know how Taejin has a thing for couple’s outfits right. And also V was legit breathing on Namj*n’s neck during the hike.

2. The Namj*n pas de deux: Poor V was jamming violently to Spine Breaker while being exposed to Namj*n’s happy dorky pas de deux.

3. Namj*n pose & jealous V: Taehyung's torture continues as Jin and RM pose really close and cutely on the waterfall group pic. When the pic is taken the camera focus on V who looks straight at Namj*n with THAT FACE...a picture worths more than a thousand words.

4. ETS and V sulking: BTS decides what to eat and VV is sitting far away. V was tired and distant. And also kinda sad. On some moments it almost felt like he was about to doze off or cry.

5. Taejin, together but apart: At the van Taejin was sitting next to each other as they often do, but not engaging any physical or verbal contact. As RM continued talking about the Namj*n friendship day, V blocked Jin and everyone else by wearing headphones. Meanwhile Jin was staring pensively at the landscape.

6. RM’s Bon Voyage reaction: it was Joonie’s turn to do the Bon Voyage thing so everyone’s reaction to RM’s cutesy hat flip was enjoyment but V gave that “not so amused” look, esp after Jin’s spontaneous compliment to RM.

7. Taehyung love sick over Jin: I had to gif this cause, come on, that’s just so freaking cute. The way V looks at Jin! His love sick expression, eyes dancing from Jin’s face to his “south area” than up to his face again. Taehyung’s bedroom eyes, sorry but that’s not bromance, that is not complimenting Jin’s looks, that is not even a boy crush. Grab that info, take into consideration.

8. V’s territory: As BTS walked towards their picnic spot, V obviously placed himself between Namj*n (yeah, that is a trend my people) making everything possible with his body movements to make sure there was plenty of space between Jin and RM.

9. V’s territory part 2: At the picnic table of course V sat in between Jin and RM. With an effective angular body language, V expressed the desire to create a clear barrier separating his territory.

10. Happy meal together: Meal is ready and Eat Jin is celebrated with his expertise on the yummy food. V is happier being closer to Jin and, for the first time on the day, exchanges words with the object of his angst and affection.

11. Taejin’s domestic bliss: At the grocery store RM, Suga, Jimin, V and Jin got their food cash to spend. Soon as they enter Jin goes domestic mode and starts to talk just to Taehyung about the huge american apples. RM and Jimin go their own separate ways leaving Taejin alone.

12. Side by side: it’s no biggie but I find it extremely cute how Taejin always walk side by side or close to each other. When there is no fixed formation predefined by management, you can see that they are naturally drawn to each other like it’s their second nature. The couple matching outfit makes it even cutter!

13. Visual duo doing their visual thing: on that group pic, Jin was holding V’s shoulders so lovingly. And the way their heads lean towards each other, awww so cute how the body speaks. Ahhh, one romantic scenery can mend a jealous heart.

14. Jin is taking care of V: Remember last year on BV1 that iconic moment when V was so moody texting and sulking and Jin was carefully watching him from a distance only to back hug him for centuries? There is this season’s version of it. VV is again sulking, texting and turning his back to Jin, attentive loving gorgeous Jin is watching our angsty boy’s every move, his entire body facing V and even if he is speaking to J-Hope, his eyes don’t leave him. Wasn’t that the perfect moment and scenario for an iconic Taejin back hug?

15. Third wheeling Cupid Jimin: when BTS discuss their goals Jin says he wants to perfect his guitar technique. Our official third wheel angel Jimin said Jin sent him a video of his guitar practice. Although the rest of BTS was totally unaware of the video of Jin’s evolution on guitar, V promptly said (the video or Jin playing guitar) was so cool. Lovely Jinnie was flustered by Vmin’s double love.

16. I give Jinnie my stars: At the observatory V and Jin were together and V showed him the stars and planets. Only to Jin. He was so proud of his astronomy knowledge saying he studied it! My heart was touched by this moment cause we can see how important it is for him to please and surprise Jin, to make Jin proud of him, he was like a kid all excited to tell an adult he learned something at school. And Jin the sweetheart, the true gentleman showing genuine interest and excitement, making V’s planet naming sound as important as Galileu Galilei’s life work. Not to mention that Venus is the planet of LOVE…We see you Taehyung…we see you!

17. Taejin sleeps together funny drama feat. Hobi: at BTS’s lodge, the one filled with lizards, they were playing rock paper scissors (I swear the day BTS don’t play that game, catastrophe will fall upon us) for the beds and bedrooms. Jin was playing opposite J-Hope and won. V was the “MC” of the game and soon as he knew Jin would probably share a bedroom with Hobi or someone who was not him, he grew unease. Smiling but his body language touching the back of his neck, gave away his discomfort about the bedroom situation. When Hobi also wins and Jin celebrates him him, V’s instant reaction is to cover his mouth. In body language that means he cannot speak against awful news and his hands in begging position tries to reach for Jin, meaning he is begging Jin to come back to him. Notice that after Jin’s bedroom is decided the rest of the game with the other members runs smoothly and V doesn’t respond that way to the rest of BTS. The funny thing is that V ended up sleeping with RM! Well better sleep with RM than RM sleeping with Jinnie right Tae?!

That was it! What an episode that was!

V was obviously upset about something. Maybe it was just him being sleepy, tired or moody, but it feels very coincidental that the mood corroborates his behaviour towards Jin on the previous day. As I said on my last masterposts on Jealous V vs Namj*n, I don’t think this is about RM as a treat to his relationship, I don’t think he sees RM as a rival for Jin’s love. It is about his growing desire of Taejin being the stablished Jin love reality. He knows the ARMY ship Namj*n so add it to V’s constant need to express romantic affection for Jin versus Jin’s acceptance of the necessity for fan service ships then we have a recipe to Taehyung’s angst.

I think Taehyung wants to be as public as possible about Jin cause it is in his nature to be truthful, I don’t think he can perpetuate secrets. He’s not reckless and understands he’s an idol who cannot open up about everything, but there is this real sweet boy inside the idol facade that just desires to be proudly recognised by everyone he loves. His loyal friendship with Jimin, his admiration for RM and Suga and Hobi, his big brother protectiveness towards Kookie, his respect for his family, V wants all his emotional allegiances to be out there, so of course he wants his relationship with Jin to be seen and accepted. It’s still that same 4 years ago shy Taehyung who looked at Jin as he could not believe his luck to be living with the most handsome man he has ever seen. The same boy that everybody noticed from day one he had a crush on Jin. The same boy that has been crawling to Jin’s bed for years. The difference is that now he’s got hit by the intensity of conquered affection, he has won a place in Jin’s heart so it is upsetting for V to be contradictory to his heart just cause they are in public. I can imagine the frustration. It explains the mood changes, the introspection, the jealousy and possessiveness, his need to please Jin and praise/defend him to earn his love and respect and the passive aggressiveness when he feels that Jin denies him or promo another ship loudly in front of the cameras.

Because that adoration is so intense and he is so young, I think when it comes to Jin he even forgets BTS is their job and he’s got to separate what’s performance from what’s real. Someone as gentle and emotional as V is, really wants to wear his heart on the sleeve, he wants PDA, he needs to touch, hold, hug and confess to the four corners of the world that Jin makes him happy. So when he sees Jin being affectionate to RM, someone who is legit shipped with Jin by the fandom “stealing” his official role as Jin’s (visual BTS pair?, lover?, boyfriend?, partner?, platonic sleep together for years buddy? true ship?) number one interest, he snaps and shuts Jin out. It’s the same possessive-jealous pattern we saw on ISAC because of KenJin, Jin running around after V like a lost puppy while he ignored Jin like some sort of punishment. And we can notice that behaviour pattern only happens with Jin, he is not possessive with the other boys not even with his bestie Jimin.

Jin on the other hand loves to socialise with all the members (not only RM but also Kookie on this episode) and even talk to total strangers. He is comfortable in being social and he is aware of their roles as entertainers and how to separate business from personal life. Although he is not impulsive and explicit about it, he cares about V’s feelings more than anything even if that means the need to keep a safe distance to protect what they have. I feel like Jin tries constantly to shelter him, to create a safe haven when the innocent beautiful and delicate true Taehyung can be free and happy, even if the price is to have Taejin as a ship ignored by the fandom. It’s in Jin’s nature to protect and love all his boys but with V it’s like he is always walking on thin glass. There is deep affection but also Jin’s necessity for secrecy, not cause he is ashamed of V but cause he is protective of what they have.

Because the nature of their relationship in my perspective romantic, Jin doesn’t know how to behave in front of the cameras with him. Jin refrains himself to be engulfed by affection like on that iconic stage kiss or like when he shares too much information (we shower together, we sleep together and so on) so he prefers not to focus on V while on camera. Both Jin and V can’t quite behave bro-like around each other actually. Since the start there has always been awkwardness and tension between Taejin, it used to be polar opposites they were superglued platonic flirting or just pretending they didn’t exist. Although now things have changed and we don’t see that unrequited love tension anymore, I think both Jin and V go back to that pattern when things go a bit sour. They oscillate between “you are all I see" to "you don’t even exist" all the time, there is no in between “bro-like” Taejin. For a ship that legit doesn’t have promo at all (for instance there is never vlives with just Taejin like there is with jinmin, sope or jinkook) Taejin is the one pairing that despite of the lack of fan service push, do behave like two people who know each other intimately and really spend a lot of time together (notice that semi off-camera like on BV2 with their beach date, matching hats shopping, V picking Jin the shirts he wanted him to wear and off-camera like on their fancafe talks, secret dates, singing the same love songs of each other’s spotify playlists, sleeping together, matching outfits, walking around holding each other’s arms when they think nobody is watching, answering the same things about what they plan for their future...they act like well...like partners).

Jin being the business driven man he is, understands the responsibilities of being and entertainer, he gives his body and soul to BTS, he is professional about it and knows he is protecting V and the boys by keeping their thing (and all the boys personal relationships) private. With V’s emotional nature, RM’s introspection, Suga’s dedication to his craft, Jimin’s loyal heart and Jungkook’s innocence, Jin and J-Hope are the ones who really are conscious about the importance of protect their privacy, Jin being the entertainer one and J-Hope the practical one. This is why of all the members of BTS Jin is the one who really engages dynamic relationships with all the other boys constantly, regardless of the predefined ships and subunits management and the fandom has specified. He doesn’t exclude anybody and in a sense he is the heart of BTS, the loving glue that keeps them strong.

This is a study and analysis, I dunno the boys so situations can have a complete different meaning since no one knows what’s going on on their private lives. This is why rather focus on behaviour and body language, cause that is an unconscious way to express the truth and one’s emotions. So it doesn’t really matter the nature of Jin and V's intimate emotional bond, we can see that Jin doesn’t need his personal relationships to be publicly accepted therefore understands the need for privacy while Taehyung is keen to make his affection known therefore he is often jealous of sharing Jin with others either by insecurity or by fear of non-acceptance. This is a pattern that has been going on for quite sometime and I’m afraid it’s the pattern we will keep seeing in the near future.

Oh boy that was one huge masterpost! This episode was a full angsty trip on jealousy, understanding the dynamics and differences between Jin and V and the dynamics between ships. Regarding the ships, I still have not done the masterposts on some subjects I often got messages about like comparing Taejin to Vmin or Namjin and Jinkook (send me msgs of what ship you want me talk about first) or the rest of BV2 (gonna do those...weekly I hope!!!), tks for the patience dear readers. You can also read the first episodes analysis here:

BV2EP1 | OH TAEJIN LOVE VOYAGE, OOPS, I MEAN BON VOYAGE 2 EP.1

BV2EP2 | TAE VS. NAMJ*N STRIKES AGAIN

Lots of love.

#taejin theory masterpost #taejin chronicles #jealous v #tae vs namjin #taejin #The Taejin masterposts are back!#tks for all of your aks #Taejin Bon Voyage 2

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