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madmaddyenby · 3 years

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/rp /dsmp

ok so- c!tommy. we are all aware he’s traumatized, and experiences ptsd from being in traumatic experiences, this is basically fact. while i’d like to talk how c!tommy experiences ptsd, i’d like to bring up a thing i haven’t seen mentioned a lot when it comes to c!tommy and his trauma- c-ptsd. also known as complex-ptsd. it occurs when someone experiences something traumatizing for a period of time.

[image description: A screenshot of text with the words “CPTSD stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a mental health condition in which a person might experience intense PTSD symptoms that coincide with other mental issues. CPTSD occurs in people who have been subjected to on going traumatizing experiences”. end description]

which, as we know, the exile arc fits the description of “ongoing traumatizing experiences” pretty fucking well. the exile was basically just two weeks of trauma. for a lot of reasons too, there was dream abusing tommy, tommy being isolated, tommys own depression/suicidal thoughts/bad mindset in general. this would all be considered a ongoing traumatizing experience(s).

ptsd is very similar to c-ptsd in how it develops, but ptsd occurs after one singular traumatizing event . (by the way, the event doesnt have to be life or death, it could be something like witnessing or hearing about a shocking event!!!)

symptoms of c-ptsd overlap with ptsd a good lot of the time, due to them both being trauma disorders. however, there are a few differences. here r some symptoms of c-ptsd, alot of which are ptsd symptoms that alot ofpeople with c-ptsd experience as well

reliving the traumatic experience

avoiding certain situations

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

hyperarousal (jitteriness, being on alert, etc)

somatic symptoms (physical symptoms with no underlying cause)

lack of emotional regulation

change in consciousness

negative self-perception

difficulty with relationships

distorted reception of abuser

loss of system of meanings

now, i’ll go over which of these fit our boy c!tommy, and how they fit for some of them atleast. i will only be talking about the things that are a result from c-ptsd, but also c-ptsd works where it coincides with other mental illnesses a person has so. its also important to note that within a person these symptoms might not stay the same over time, and not everyone who has c-ptsd or ptsd is going to experience it the same. (so not talking abt how pain affects him after dying in the prison, though that is a clear sign of ptsd)

reliving the traumatic experience

tommy’s done this with exile a few times, when revisiting logstedshire, when he saw the craters in logstedshire, when visiting dream in prison, when during the disc finale dream dug the hole and told him to put his armour in, etc etc, he’s even described himself as being trembly in the fingers near plain biomes, while visting logsted he mentioned how shaky it made him to be there, and when he visited logsted one time he had an immediate reaction to seeing a hole in the ground that came off as him reliving it. flashbacks come in from sensations during a traumatic event, like sight, feeling, emotion, etc, etc. it seems like with these he’s experiencing more of a reliving the emotions kind of thing.

avoiding certain situations

i was originally not gonna include this one, but thinking about it, he kind of does in a way. this symptom also includes keeping yourself preoccupied to avoid thinking about it, which is something c!tommy seems to do alot. with focusing on building the hotel, and doing tasks, or grinding for supplies instead of actually thinking about it.

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

c!tommy uh. does this a lot. a lot of it stems from how during exile tommy was isolated and made to believe no one cared for him, and even if that wasn’t true c!tommy never really got much closure on that. hes not really trusting ppl that b4 were really close to him, tubbo n ranboo for example

lack of emotional regulation

this can also be described as uncontrollable feelings. this is the one i’ve wanted to talk about the most i think- because this is really fits c!tommy. he tends to lash out alot, for example burning the flower c!ranboo gave him, there are a bunch more examples of this that include him yelling at others, that one time when he spleefed c!jack

negative self-perception

yeah. theres a few examples of this one, the one that first comes to mind is that time during the green festival where he was talking about how he was worse than everyone he didn’t wanna be (including his abuser, c!dream...) . theres now when he was building his tower by the prison when he was saying he couldn’t use the cobble because it was too him, and people didnt like the cobble. alot of this i think comes from c!dream making him feel basically worthless in exile :(

difficulty with relationships

Yeah. um. Alot for this one!!! The first to come to mind is c!tubbo. c!tommy and c!tubbos relationship is very very wonky, especially considering recent events with tommy feeling like he is being replaced with c!ranboo. (which he isnt by the way! he just feels as though, which is a valid feeling for him to have :]) . another person that comes to mind is c!ranboo. he’s even mentioned how his and ranboos relationship goes back and forth quite alot. its not very surprising to see that he has difficulty with relationships especially considering a lot of the reason that the exile affected him so badly was because he felt so alone and was so isolated from his friends. another thing that comes to mind, is when he made c!sam sign that contract promising hat he’d be his best friend and protect him. theres most likely way more that can be said here, but this is the first stuff that comes to mind.

distorted reception of abuser

um... yeah. this one. this can also be described as , “ becoming preoccupied with the relationship between you and your abuser. It can also include preoccupation with revenge or giving your abuser complete power over your life. “ which is um. yeah. c!tommy. he’s mentioned how whenever he’s around c!dream he feels like hes conditioned to be his friend (which. yea . he was .). right after he left logstedshire this was very very prominent, he was the biggest c!dream apologist around (/j), saying things like “dream didnt do anything wrong” and even explaining how he wasnt sure about things when it comes to c!dream, that his mind became flip floppy whenever he thought about him. right now, hes focused on getting back at c!dream, not fully for revenge, mainly for his friends and how he doesnt want c!dream to go around killing and reviving everyone, but the point still stands. (this all makes me extra sad because he had gone to the prison the second time in the first place to get closure :(( )

loss of system of meanings

Systems of meaning refer to your religion or beliefs about the world. This can also refer to getting a strong sense of hopelessness or despair about the world, which as of late mainly c!tommy seems to have. mainly referencing in his stream where he visited dreams bunker, he was asking what the point was of finding things that made him happy if dream was just going to get out the prison and destroy it. theres also a few things that also go with this, in one stream while he burnt down ponks lemon tree for sam nook he said "thats still decaying, but yknow, arent we all." and that one time when he gave that hotel invitation to c!techno he was like “ahahha we could die tomorrow anyway”

its also important to note that, “Any type of long-term trauma, over several months or years, can lead to CPTSD. However, it seems to appear frequently in people who’ve been abused by someone who was supposed to be their caregiver or protector. “ Which is.. fairly accurate in c!tommy’s situation. c!dream might’ve not been a caregiver or protector necessarily but he was still someone that was looking after him yknow?

there are most likely more things than what i layed out that show that c!tommy most likely also has cptsd, however this is just the stuff that i thought up :] add to the post if you’d like to!

(also this isn’t saying that c!tommy doesnt have ptsd, he had both ptsd and c-ptsd. also i am not an expert about ptsd, cptsd, or mental health in general, if i got any information wrong let me know)

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tabzanite · 3 years

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yo so I wrote down alot of what happened on Nikis stream ("Hes back") and quoted alot of what she said because it was a short stream so like yeah. Yrp. Please forgive grammar mistakes, feel free to correct me if I get something huge wrong, its fairly accurate, and its all /rp. Enjoy :D

The stream is in black and white and starts in her city, cutting to about a minute in I believe to her dialogue.

"Who are you gonna manipulate? Its not gonna be me this time. Its not gonna be me this time! Whos he gonna manipulate next- (c!)Tommy? (c!)Tubbo? (c!)Jack? nononononono, (c!)Jack is way too smart to fall for this crap. His lies! He never checks up on me- the fact I thought he cared about me, never checks up on me... He changed, he changed, he's a better man- why would he change!

He doesnt change, he just learns how to manipulate people more and more. He never changes, or cares. He never cares. Why would (c!)Dream revive him? Why would (c!)Dream revive him? (c!)Dream was his enemy. We fought against (c!)Dream, all of it! I guess in the end he was pretty fond of him. Two maniacs. Leading countries, leading places and people, forgetting the people they cared about for power. Just for power.

This is what you did for power! You sold your soul for power .And now youre back. And the world revolves around (c!)Wilbur again. You get a place, you get a bed, in the only place I care about, in the only place I could heal! You have to be there again, of course you have to be there again, you always do that. You always do that! I dont understand- what are you planning?

Today was suppose to be a good day, today was suppose to be (c and cc but is canonic)Technos birthday, and I cant blame it on him, he didnt know- I always do that! I blame your mistakes on other people! and you betrayal! And you hurting me and other people, and look where it got me. It got me no where. It got me no where. I havnt even finished my city, I cant even sleep, I thought I got better. I Thought I stopped starving myself, I thought I stopped throwing myself off my building, to regenerate health, to heal of course!

...I cant sleep...

Where is it- where is it- Where is it ...I cant remember... "

c!Niki finds c!Wilburs diamonds that he had given her months ago, finds them and starts mumbling about how no one even bothered to tell her, how no one cares, and why should she care.

"You were a ghost. Your body I saw your dead body. I saw the tnt. And I trusted you so much. And I trusted you so much, and I didnt tell anyone. I covered it up and I put stone on top of it so people wouldnt see the tnt. And you still blew it up. Because you never cared about us. You never cared about L'manburg and you never cared about the people living in L'manburg.

All you cared about was yourself. Because thats what you do. You care about yourself. And you hurt people around you, but these people still trust you, and I dont understand why these people trust you. Cuz you were a ghost. And you never even asked for me. You just forgot about me. I was alone. For so long. I was alone- for months, and months, on end because you never even cared about checking up on me.

This was your first gift to me, these three diamonds I thought them as a gift. I thought they meant something, I really did. Now theyre just a memory. And I choose- and I choose that you are also a memory. You cant hurt me anymore, you cant promise me anything anymore, you cant hurt me anymore."

She put the diamonds in a chest somewhere in the walls.

Shes walking through the nether, verbally panically pondering why Dream would revive c!Wilbur.

"I want to see him. I want to see the last place I saw you dead and alive. I want to see the house we once built. The home where our friends lived, everything you abandoned. because you had to be in power. Because you had to destroy it. I want to see the pain they had to go through. The things you promised me, and never kept.

Because you told me when Schlatt got elected and I had to run- I got taxed, I got taxed so much I couldnt uphold my bakery, you would get me out of there. So I waited. I waited for weeks. And I waited for months. And the next Time I saw you you were not you anymore."

she goes around talking about what he'd love to see, what he couldnt see, and points out L'mantree and how it was standing. She talks about how c!Wilbur cant say he fought the most because everyone fought and how c!Wilbur betrayed them. She specifically says how he never got what he deserved and how he deserved more.

"And I coudlnt save anyone. Its all Ive ever wanted..." She points out how she was naieve about her city, and how she thought Wilbur could be rescued and happy. and she talked about how he'll never be happy because all he wants is something he cant have. He has all he wants and theres nothing left for him to fight for when you have all you want.

She talks about how she wants to see him and wants to know why he did this, why he never came back to her. She then walks along the prime path, looking at everything silently with light music on, turning it up later. She goes back to the nether portal she came from to go back to the nether, back home, stream ends.

#actual post #dream smp #nihachu #wilbur soot #wilbursoot #tommyinnit #technoblade #tubbo #jack manifold #/rp #suicide tw #starving tw #ask to tag

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negandarylsatisfaction · 3 years

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[SUMMARY: Blade is a fearless woman out in the apocalypse on her own when she comes across Negan in the woods. Quickly feeling a connection with him, Negan learns Blade does not like to share him.]

Smut

Negan and Blade

It had been eight months into the apocalypse now, you had no shelter, little water and only squirrels left to eat. Being by yourself wasnt much of a strain for you as most of your life you spent alone before the apocalypse. Standing by a fire you made in the woods, you cooked a few squirrels you had caught earlier in the day sharpening your knives leaning against a tree. Suddenly hearing the sound of crunching leaves not to far from you, you instantly stopped what you were doing. Putting your hood over your head you slowly began to turn, your knife ready for aim when a man appeared through the trees.

"Shit," you whispered looking at the fire behind you. Not trusting anyone, you didnt want to cause any attention on yourself but it was too late.

"What do we have here?" A mans voice made you turn back quickly ready for defense.

"Dont come any closer." The man could barely see your face hiding behind your hood. Noticing the knife in your hand the man lifted up his hands with a lazy smile.

"Come on, sweetheart. Put that down before you hurt yourself."

"Oh arent you quite funny." The sarcasm in your tone he actually liked. Observing what you had around you the man frowned noticing squirrels being cooked behind you.

"Ho-ly shit. Squirrels? Really, sweetheart?"

Right away you could tell this man was one who liked to play games, arrogant and slick. A man who thought he had a alot of charm thinking he could distract you with his little pet names.

"Stop speaking. Where the hell did you come from?"

"More like where the hell did you come from, darling. As far as I'm concerned your on my side of the woods." The cockiness in his tone made you scowl, he didnt seem intimated by you at all.

"Says who?"

"Says me. Negan."

"Well, Negan. I dont give a shit who you say you are. This is free land now get out of my face before you get hurt."

"Well shit-" Negan observed you from head to toe raising his brows.

"You do look like a you can give a mean fight." He noticed your buckled up black boots, your black ripped jeans, black top and a leather jacket, just like him. Yet, he couldnt help himself. With a smirk he slowly put his hands down and started to walk towards you.

"Dont push me, I mean it." You warned him waving the knife in his face when he suddenly caught your wrist in his hand. Still, you moved too quickly for him. Negan didnt expect you to get loose so quickly and next thing he knew you now had the knife pointed sharply against his neck. Looking up, careful not to move he laughed in disbelief as you held your place.

"Well look at that, a little tougher than I thought after all." Still with a cocky tone yet a look of surprise in his eyes, Negan did not move.

"Listen, darling I've got a sanctuary not far from here." He looked around at your surroundings with the knife still pointed at his neck.

"You look like you could use some help-"

"I dont." You responded stubbornly, truth be told you definitely needed help. But, having always found a way out of your struggles you were sure youd find a way.

"Listen to me. I have a sanctuary, I can give you a place to stay. You can have real food, shit we can use a girl like you on our side. What do ya say?" You couldnt believe even with a knife to his throat this man still had the urge to smile down at you. His offer did not sound bad at all, after all it was getting cold and you were running low on food.

"Where is the place?" You asked as he responded by pointing in the direction he came from. After a moment of uncertainty you slowly pulled the knife away from his neck leaving a red mark. Negan cracked his neck with a sigh.

"And if I dont like it. I'm leaving."

"Whatever you want, woman." Negan stood back as you gathered your belongings and pulled your hood back. For the first time Negan got a glimpse of the woman whom he had just had a confrontation with. Long dark hair lay over your shoulder as he noticed the other side of your head shaved.

"Mmm." A sound of satisfaction escaping his lips making you look up.

"What?" You asked with an attitude that he couldnt help but want to see more of.

"Nothing, darling. Nothing at all."

"Well, are you going to lead to where the hell this place is?" Placing your hands on your hips you asked with very little patience.

"This fucking woman." Negan muttered under his breath with a chuckle before leading the walk before you. Usually you would've never trusted a strange man this way but desperate times called for desperate measures. Plus, you knew how to defend yourself, you had faced worse before.

After a bit Negan and you walked side by side, his eyes helplessly drifting to you here and there. Your style attracting him, your fearlessness intriguing him, Negan wanted to know more.

"Do you have a name?"

"Of course I do." You responded sarcastically.

"Well are you going to tell me it, darling? Or are you going to make me fight for that too? I mean unless its cause you like the nicknames I've given you-"

"My name is Blade." Your interruption quickly silencing him.

"Blade..." he repeated as he looked you up and down.

"It sure fits."

Negan led you into what he called the Sanctuary. A heavily guarded space with many others, you had no idea how close you were to so much life all along. Right away you noticed each person having a job at the Sanctuary as everyone looked busy working on something. It was clear they didnt stay here for free. Introducing you to who he called his 'right hand man' Simon, Negan showed you around. In a room you entered, sat a few ladies clearly dressed differently from everyone else.

"These here are my lovely wives."

"Wives?" You looked at him strangely before looking back at the women. They were dressed in tight short black dresses, all wearing heels, you wondered where they found any of this. Raising a brow at him you crossed your arms wondering what he had in mind.

"If you thought I came back with you here to play a role of one of your wives, your sadly mistaken." Your loud voice making the women turn to you wondering who you were. Negan right away blocked their view of you, standing before you as he leaned one hand on the wall behind you.

"Easy, sweetheart. It wasnt a thought but since you mentioned it-" he bit down on his bottom lip.

"You would look damn good in a tight little dress."

"You wish," your tone just as arrogant as his and he liked it.

"Just a little bit." He whispered before you moved out of the small space he cornered you in and left the room.

"Just show me where I'm staying." Walking off Negan followed you closing the door behind him. Showing you the room you would stay in, it was nice to see a bed. You couldnt remember the last time you slept in a bed, it had been months. Negan noticed the way you looked at it and wondered how hard you must've had it all alone. He wondered how long you were all alone.

"This good enough?"

"Its great," your attitude quickly changing back to a nonchalant manner.

"Tell me, Blade-" Negan took a step in front of you wanting to be face to face.

"How long you been on your own?"

His question making you throw your head back with a chuckle, it had been so long since you last saw your family.

"Since I was seventeen," Negan frowned with your response a bit confused.

"Oh I been on my own long before this apocalyptic world ever took over. This is nothing new for me having to fend for myself, Negan. That's why I said if I have to leave I will, nothing I haven't handled before."

Negan squinted his eyes as you spoke, he could tell you've had it rough.

"Well let's hope you dont have to....I think it'd be nice having you around."

Was that a genuine compliment that didnt involve your looks or any sarcastic remark? He could tell you almost cracked a smile.

"Well, I'll let you get settled in. Theres food in the next room, make yourself comfortable." Negan began to walk out before you quickly turned towards him and called out for him.

"Hey Negan?"

"Mhm?" He turned to you leaning on the door way.

"Thanks," without saying a word he winked at you and left the room.

The next few days you began helping out the men by securing the fences surrounding the sanctuary. No one had put you up to this job but you knew you could do it.

"Well well well, I dont remember assigning you to this." Negan showed up behind you watching you twist the wires securely.

"I'm good with my hands, didnt think you'd mind."

"Good with your hands huh?"

Rolling your eyes you turned to him making him laugh.

"I'm sorry, some times I cant help myself."

"Well learn how to, or save that energy for all those wives."

Negan raised his brows at your quick come backs. A man who always enjoyed giving sarcasm yet rarely was ever on the other end.

"God you're fun to tease," you couldnt help but laugh along with him. You knew he purposely picked at you just to hear you come back at him. He enjoyed the feistiness you gave him, he enjoyed you not giving a shit to what he might think.

Just as you finished you went back inside to grab something to eat and Negan followed. He watched as you prepared yourself a sandwich, reaching across the table making your shirt go up he noticed a tattoo on your hip.

"What's that you got there?" Standing back straight you looked down to where his eyes were and pulled your shirt down.

"A tattoo. What never heard of one?" You responded defensively making him smirk.

"I got a few myself. Rarely come across women with them, especially in such a....sensitive spot." His voice was low as he came to realization that maybe you enjoyed a little bit of pain.

"Can I see it?"

Hesitantly you pressed your lips together before slightly lifting up your shirt and revealing a tattoo of a rose wrapped in barb wire.

"Mmmm.." he leaned in looking at it closely.

"Mean anything?"

"My middle name is Rose," you explained as he his eyes squinted.

"I take it the barb wire means pain," he continued looking up into your eyes.

"You can say that," you responded softly.

"How old are you, Blade?"

"31," you sat down across from him and began to eat.

"So you've been on your own since 17, shit wheres your family?"

"Hopefully dead," your response was blunt before you took another bite.

"Surrounded by assholes huh?"

"Real big assholes. They didn't care for me so I dont care for them, I've been better off alone anyways."

"I cant argue with that," Negans eyes wandered over your features.

"Done a pretty good job with yourself."

Not really knowing how to take a compliment without some form of back handed comment you looked away.

"Yeah well you gotta do what you gotta do," you responded confidently.

"What are you doing here anyways? Wont your wives wonder where you are?"

Negan chuckled at the mention of them, he could tell you were enjoying his company and didnt want him to leave.

"I wont go anywhere if you dont want me to, darling." His unexpected response making your cheeks turn red.

"I never said-"

"Do you really think you can lie to me?" He leaned in close staring directly into your eyes across the table.

"Why the hell do you want to stay anyways?"

"Maybe I like spending time with you too."

What the hell was this man doing? It was hard to deny that you did indeed like spending time with him but, this was the last thing you needed. The man had multiple wives, an arrogant way of thinking but God he was so sexy.. His style attracted you to him, his voice, his eyes whenever he spoke to you.

"What are you thinking about?" Negan bit his bottom lip with a smile, he could see right through you.

"Nothing. I'm exhausted and I'm full and want to go to bed soon."

"Oh yeah? Is that what's going through your head right now?"

"Yes. That's it." You stood up picking up your plate and taking it to the sink. Negan stood up with you eagerly following you by the counter.

"You sure that's what you're thinking about?" He asked again with a grin leaning his face close to yours.

"I think you're thinking about something that involves me....and you just cant admit it." His voice was a deep whisper, the way he spoke sent a tingle to the pit of your stomach.

"No the hell I am not. What the hell makes you think that?" You walked past him rushing into your bedroom as he quickly followed behind.

"Look at you, you could barely stay still. You're fidgeting, getting all nervous. Am I making you nervous, baby?" He teased.

"Dont call me baby," you turned to him with frustration.

"Fine," he stepped close to you and spoke very slowly.

"Then look me in the eyes and tell me you're not thinking about what I could do to you." Your lips parted as you smelled his scent so close to you. You couldnt speak, you couldnt move and Negan knew he had complete control. Looking down at your lips he slowly caressed your face and leaned in for a soft kiss. Not fighting it you felt his lips sensually move against yours, his tongue slipping through the crack of your lips to tease yours. Moaning against him, Negan didnt separate his lips from you as he reached behind him and shut the door. Taking off his jacket and quickly unbuttoning his pants Negan threw you back on the bed. Continuing to kiss you down to your neck, you felt his tongue make swirls on your skin making you squeeze him.

Negan pulled off your clothing and aggresivly turned you around. The tattoo of the barb wire rose continuing from your side to your lower back made Negan lick his lips in satisfaction.

"Get up," he spoke hoarsely as you got on your knees and positioned yourself in front of him. Feeling his large hand on your lower back you felt him easily slide in you. Negan wasted no time in grabbing your hips and making you slam back against him. Moaning you grabbed the covers tightly, it had been so long since you felt this pleasure. Negan could tell by the way you cried out when he first entered you. The sound of longing to be touched, the sound of your needs finally being met.

"Give it to me harder," you spoke seductively only arousing him more. Negan grabbed you by your hair pulling you back up against him. His hand grabbing your throat as he pressed his lips to the side of your face and kept thrusting. Groaning, he gave your throat a tighter squeeze. Gasping for air, you could hear him breathing erratically against your ear.

"Oh Blade," you rolled your eyes back at the sound of his voice, he couldn't hold himself any longer. Negan pushed you back down before he quickly pulled out and released himself all over your back.

"Fuck.." he moaned as he stepped back out of breath. Cleaning yourself up as he got dressed, you stood up and walked towards him

"You should stay here tonight," your suggestion making him look up at you with half a smile.

"Oh darling I would. I've got some business I need to take care of but-" he stood up and ran his hands up your thighs and hips.

"I promise I'll come by as soon as I'm done." Negan grabbed your face and kissed you passionately. What the hell was going on with you? Why was this man getting a hold on you so quickly? Without saying anything more Negan left your room leaving you to think over what just happened. Leaving you to think over the way he looked at you, the things he said to you. He actually admitted to liking to spend time with you, the thought made you blush to yourself. You couldnt wait for him to return, it being so late at night you wondered what business he had to take care of. A little while later you stepped out of the room with a smile still on your face when you looked up and suddenly felt a crushing feeling in your chest. Negan was coming out of a room with two of his wives laughing. Of course you knew he had wives but after having touched him and slept with him, the thought of another woman with him made you burn with anger.

"Some business you got going huh?" The smile immediately left Negans face as he looked up at you before him.

"Blade, darling-"

"Dont 'Blade darling' me, what the hell I was thinking?" Angrily you walked off back to your room leaving the two women confused as Negan sighed. Following you to your room he entered right behind you slamming the door shut behind him.

"What the hell is your problem with me?"

"What is my problem? Taking care of business huh? Business with those girls?"

Negan frowned with a puzzled expression.

"Pardon my french, sweetheart but wait a fucking minute, are you jealous?"

"No! I'm not jealous," you denied the truth as you turned your back to him.

"I just dont like sharing what's mine."

Negan raised his brows surprised with your response.

"So I'm yours now huh?"

You scoffed at him turning to walk passed him before he blocked your way.

"Hang on now, Blade. I actually kinda like the sound of that. So does that make you mine now too?"

"No, why would I want to be yours when you have all those women, "you spoke in disgust before raising your brow as if you has just come up with an idea.

"Well since you get to have your fair share, then I should too. Simon looks-"

"Oh I'd be very careful where you're going with that, sweetheart." His expression turning very serious as he stepped closer to you.

"Why cant I have my own fun, it's not like I'm one of your wives who have to abide by your selfish rules while you do as you please." None of the women Negan had met had the nerve to argue his way of being.

"I dont want you to be one of them," he shot back.

"Good, cause I didnt want to anyways."

"You know what the fuck I want?" Negans voice rose as he took a step closer to you.

"I just want you to be mine and shit, I'll be yours the way you want me to." Negans words catching you completely off guard, so unexpected it left you speechless. There was something Negan couldnt explain that pulled him to you in a way he had never felt with any of the other women. Negan may not have been a one woman man most of his life but when someone caught his eye, it was hard for him to look past it.

"You dont even know me," you muttered.

"Shit, you dont even know me all that well but I know you have the same damn feeling I have." The two of you looked at each other in silence, you couldnt deny the connection you felt with him.

"You dont want the wives? Hell, they dont have to be there but-" he unexpectedly pulled you close to him aggresivly.

"I expect there to be no one else on your side either."

"I'm not looking for anyone else," your response was quick and spoken with confidence.

"Good," a smile slowly spread across his lips as you felt his hand slide down your back and grab your ass.

"You're lucky I like you," you squinted your eyes up at him making him laugh.

"Shit, well I am honored, doll."

"Dont patronize me," you scowled at him.

"Not at all, Blade, not at all."

Negan leaned in and took your lips with his feeling content with the thought of you being the only woman for him.

#jeffrey dean morgan #the walking dead negan #negan twd #negan fanfic #negan fan fiction #negan x you #negan x oc #negan smut #negan imagines #the walking dead fanfiction #the walking dead fic #twd

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gopeachllama · 3 years

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Why I think Feysand were OOC in ACOSF

I hope that no one misunderstands from the title but let me say this is a 100% PROfeysand post. so if you hated feysand even before acosf, then this post isn't for you.

So i've seen a lot of interesting theories about feysand's and in particular rhys' behaviour and choices throughout acosf. and while alot of them seemed possible and may have been the case canonically speaking, even as a feysand stan i just couldn't seem to wrap my head around some of the things they said and did in the book. they just both seem OOC, its the only pausible explanation for me.

To understand why feysand were OOC in the book we have to look at this through a narrative perspective. as in we have to ask why would the author write the character/s in this way?

a quick overview of what a character arc is

so there can be a lot of variations of a character arc in a story but the basics is as follows (how does the character go from point 'a' to point 'b'):

the 'big lie' - the views/beliefs/actions the character has at the start which will be challenged throughout the story (this is point 'a')

the 'incident' - a plot point in which starts development of the character. something that spurs the character into action, this most ofter happens when they are placed in an unfamiliar situation. this usuallyy is the intial challenge to their 'big lie'. at this point the story will move forward and theres no going back.

the midpoint - the character changes conciously or subconciously, they start to recognise their own flaws in the 'big lie'.

world collaspes - this is usually on the heels of a victory, the character reaches the lowest point in their journey. they finally confront 'the big lie' and forces to stop this deception they inflict on themselves. they can destroy it or it will destroy them.

the climax - the reason for the story. the reason why the character had to take this journey in order to get to this moment. the moment that the character will decide once and for all whether they will go forward to point 'b' or regress back to point 'a'

the resolution - the character reaches point 'b'. their view/beliefs/actions have changed, they no longer believe in the 'big lie'.

So obvisouly the main character in acosf is Nesta. What sjm does in her books is that every plot point and development of secondary characters is in service to the arc of the main character. None of the character's outside of Nesta have their own development. Not even Cassian, any sort of changes or developments he undergoes is in service to Nesta (a complete missed opportunity for Cassian but that a whole other point). And before anyone tries to say otherwise, you can have development for characters even if they are secondary ones (and for a book that is 800+ pages long it is definitely possible). An example is with his can also be seen with Gwyn. Her leaving the library for the first time was a huge moment for the character, but she did so, in order to comfort Nesta after her big fight with Cassian. It was also so that Nesta, Gwyn and Emerie could all be together in Illyria so they could be kidnapped and forced to enter the blood rite (where the final showdown occurs with Nesta and the villan).

so what has this got to do with feysand and why are they OOC?

In fact the entire plot with feyre's pregnancy was made to give chracter developments for Nesta. There was nothing written in the book that suggested any developments for feyre and rhys. it did nothing for them. Nesta needed to become central to the story and the only way sjm thought to keep feyre side lined was to make her pregrnant. It was also just lazy writing and world building bc there is no way that rhys would have though of this when he and feyre were trying for a baby.

SIN #1 The Shields

Rhys practicing shields (shield thats doesn't even allow anyone to even touch her) on feyre, which she just allows. the book explains because of the fact that there is more danger to her now that she's pregnant. Narratively, this would make sense if there is a payoff. Like later in the story if feyre was in physical danger and the shield saves her or if the shield became a detriment to her in some way. But no nothing like this happens. Rhys 'practices' the shield on her and thats it. Rhys, who was the same person that trusted feyre enough defend herself against the weaver. It was totally out of character that he would shield her to the point that Cassian can't even kiss her on the cheek (sounds familiar huh). and the same goes for feyre, who has no problem with this (*cough* tamlin locking her up *cough*). Thats is some OOC behaviour.

So what were the point of the shields? well since sjm made it canon that fae can smell when a female is pregnant, the biggest way they came into play was in the scene when rhys lifted it long enough so that everyone could sense that that feyre was pregnant. And It could have been just that, feyre and rhys were expecting a baby, and Nesta can go along with her development, they did not need to intersect. But it did, and we'll come back to that later. This scene is a lighthearted moment in the book, one of the rare few where all the characters are happy and celebrating a good thing. acofas we knew that rhys and feyre decided to try for a baby, and seeing it pay off here was enjoyable for the readers.

But what else does this scene do? through Nesta's perspective, we can read her thoughts on it, and though she doesn't reveal much its an important character moment for her. the readers can see that she can feel happiness for someone else beyond the self-loathing she guards herself with, it shows that she is a character worth rooting for.

SIN #2 Rhys concealing the dangers of the pregnancy from feyre

oof this one is a doosey. this was the most baffling thing to come out of acosf for me. there is literally no reason or explanation that would make sense for rhys to lie to feyre like that. It offers no development for the two character it affects the most: rhys and feyre. there no fallout on rhys' end for lying to her, and there is no turmoil for feyre such as falling into depair like we told she would (the whole reason that rhys was hiding it in the first place).

When Nesta finds out that the pregnancy was most likely going to kill feyre and the baby. instead of Nesta disagreeing and urging Rhys to tell feyre, she doesn't say anything and forms a temporary truce with him, a character she has always had conflict with. It also serves as the incident that allows Nesta to have her 'world collapse' moment in her character arc. How else was Nesta going to realise what a shitty person is was being if she didn't do something so absolutely shitty? in a fit of rage, Nesta reveals to feyre that the pregnancy was going to kill both her and the baby. she get taken away on a hike in illyria (because???) and she reaches rock bottom after she comes to term with what she did. the story is taken away from velaris and the inner circle, and any conflict and resolution that happens between feyre and rhys, if it even happened at all, happens off page. again furthering my point about the pregnancy having no impact on the two characters is affects the most. After Nesta's fleeting moment of enlightenment, and her swordplay sex marathon with Cassian (urgh) she returns to velaris and nothing has changed between rhys and feyre. there isn't really much of a development with Nesta's relationship with feyre, their 'reconciliation' occurs all of less than one page and doesn't even happen out loud, just mind to mind. Now that Nesta has had her important character moment, nothing else matters (again lazy writing).

SIN #3 Everyone dies

ok so yes everyone has said their two cents about this and i agree with it. Feyre and nyx had to die so that Nesta could have her climax moment. It is the climax of the story since it is the big story development right before the resolution. and about the bargain - feysand decided in acofas that they were going to try for a baby. meaning that it was after this decision that they struck the bargain that they would die together. so at some point they would have thought of the fact they would have a child/children when the both die. im sorry but do they seem like the kind of ppl that would make a suicide pact even if it meant leaving their children behind? TOTALLY OOC for me. and i dont know i guess also the stakes weren't high enough with just the threat of feyre and nyx dying.

So feyre and nyx are dead and rhys will soon follow and Nesta intervenes to save them. Its also a self-sacrificing moment bc she has to give up her powers in order to do this... Showing that she does truely love her family and the depths of her powers. (seriously idc how you stan or hate how does anyone this good book?). don't doubt that in the future books sjm will find a way for Nesta to get her powers back (whatever they are (pure death WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???))

So Nesta saves the day, everyone is fine and nothing has changed except Nesta is nice now probably. the end.

welp this got way longer that i expected but anyways long story short there was nothing about the pregnancy that gave development to feysand characters and it was all for the development of the main character.

i don't claim acosf!feysand and sjm better fucking leave them alone in the rest of the books.

#acotar #acosf #anti acosf #rhys #rhysand #pro rhysand #feyre #pro feyre #feysand #pro feysand #nesta #this is not an anti nesta post #at least i dont think it is #but this is definitely a fucking anti sjm post #anti sjm

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isellcrackforthecia · 3 years

Text

WENDIGO

a film written by Ayden Wylde

SETTING [starts out taking place at an apartment complex in north carolina] [shows the drive from there to colorado] [blackwater ridge colorado is where most of the film takes place]

[CHARACATERS] [T1_C1_Wade:23; Micahs younger brother and Maries BF:Cocky:skilled] [hunter/tracker:versed in weapons:rock climbing champion:] [T1_C1_Marie:21; Wades GF:Shy:hiker:] [T2_C2_Micah:25; older brother to Wade, leader of the party:Mysterious:skilled] [hunter/tracker:versed in weapons:] [T3_C2_Evie:21; Maries bestfriend and Mariahs GF:Outgoing:athletic/runs track: [T3_C2_Mariah:20; Evies GF:Super smart:versed in the supernatural:versed in] [weapons:] [T4_C1_Caleb:22; Amandas BF:Full of fun:athletic:] [T4_C1_Amanda:22; Calebs GF:Lighthearted:]

[Wade and Marie have been together since the beginning of highschool] [Evie and Mariah have been together for 3 years] [Caleb and Amanda have beenm together since their tenth grade year]

scene opens with a wide overhang shot of a large forest, with a faint scream, birds fly from the trees camera flys into the forest where the scream came from (via drone)(one shot) camera slows into a clearing with 4 tents, torn to shreds, several bags and supplies, all dumped out and signs of there have being a firepit

fade to black 9 days ago

fade from black opens to a young man and a young woman sitting in a car the young man in the drivers seat of the car jammin out beatin on the steering wheel

Caleb: C'mon guys what the hell is the hold up?? Amanda: Cal' lighten up. we will get there when we get there. Caleb: Bullshit! (he honks his horn multiple times) GUYS!

Wade comes flying out the door with Marie's and his bags in hand and begins to load up

Caleb: Wade where is your brother man, im trying to get to the site. Wade: He should be here any minute dude, chill out. Youre gonna piss off my neighbors with all that noise.

just as Wade says that Micah comes speeding over a hill down the street honking his horn.

Micah pulls up behind his brothers car Micah: Ive got room in the back if you guys need it

Micah, Evie, and Mariah all step out of Micahs car

Micah and Wade go inside for a last minute check

�� Micah rapidly slows down and grabs his brothers shoulder still walking just slowly Micah: sooo..how are you and Marie doing? Wade: *scoffs* we're uh we're good. great actually. Micah: thats awesome and kinda unbelievalbe, you..talk to mom at all recently? Wade: yeah we-Micah whats up? Wade stops walking Micah: *sighs* i just, i havent been around in more than a couple of years and i, i dont know Wade i feel like i shouldve been, and im sorry. thats why i set up this trip. i just want to be back in everyones lives again okay. i just- Wade: okay. okay. i get it quit being such a bitch Wade smiles and runs down the hall to the door of his apartment Micah lowers his head a chuckles a bit and carries on walking to the apartment leaning in the front doorway catching the end of Wade and Maries conversation

Wade: babe cmon ive already triple checked youre going to be fine for a week in the wilderness. Marie: what if something happens i mean life is unpredictable Wade: well...i'll be here to protect you *leans in* Micah: i wouldnt trust that so much if i was you Marie. *he says jokingly walking into the apartment* Marie: MICAH!! *she runs over to hug him* god how long has it been, look, im all grown up now *laughs* Micah: *scoffs* yeah, we all are.

Caleb yells from the door of the apartment building Caleb: i swear to christ i will come in there and f-

Micah and Wade: OKAY!

cut to them all getting into their cars and hitting the road to Blackwater Ridge CO #montage of them driving from north carolina their drive was roughly going to be 24.5 hrs long during montage they see the north carolina, missouri and colorado state signs they hit several gas stations, and just driving sight seeing shots montage song; gamma rays by louden swain (i dont know if i have to ask XD)

both cars pull up to a parking area with multiple trails leading off of it they all exit their cars and begin to grab their things

Micha: so we are going to be walking down this path about a half a mile guys so prepare yourselves Amanda: half a mile!? babe carry me? Caleb: wish i could hun but i am kinda carrying everything else...sooo... Amanda: you want to be an ass then i can just leave Caleb: *drops the things hes carrying and jogs to Amanda* okay im sorry i didnt mean to hurt your little feelings lets just get to the sight and ill set up the tent and we can...relax...for a bit yknow Amanda:*excitedly* Okay!

Evie:*grabs Amanda from behind to scare her a little* a half a mile isnt even that bad dont get your panties in a bunch

Evie begins tickling Amanda and picking on her.

Caleb: quit flirting with my girfriend Ev come get your pack

Evie begins to walk towards Caleb just barely coming to pass Mariah before grabbing her for a hug

Evie: why would i be flirting with your girlfriend when ive got a perfectly good one right here Mariah: shut the hell up and grab our packs, dork Evie: okay, okay, but you guys havent heard the last of Evie Welsberg

Micah: do you guys ever stay on one task he says as he grabs his things Wade: why would we ever big brother?

they head down the trail about halfway through Marie starts to get a wierd feeling

Marie:*looking over her shoulder* i kinda feel like someone is out there watching us guys Wade: just relax, its a forest and theres animals, so there probably is something out there watching you 'oooooh' Marie: shut up wade im serious Micah: lets just get to the camp and if you still feel that way then we will have a look around okay? happy?

they get to their barren campsite and set up for the night

Amanda and Caleb retire to their tent

Micah: do you feel better or do you still think i need to check it out Marie: *seeing Wade over Micahs shoulder shaking his head no* i dont know i guess i feel fine Micah: so? youre fine then? cool. *he turns*

Wade and Marie retire to the campfire

Wade starts playing guitar (carry on my wayword son) Evie, Mariah and Micah gather around the fire with them listening to him play

a twig snaps in the dark woods Micah flips around to look they hear a moan come from the almost pitch black forest which puts them all on edge

Micah: Whos out there!? *no response* Marie: what the hell was that? Micah: i dont know but im going to go have a look Wade: NO! Micah no. its dark i have no idea what that was youre a skilled hunter but just wait for daylight Micah: whatever that was could pick us off by daylight. im going to go have a look, besides ive got ole bessy *pulls out pistol* Wade: Jesus K Le Christ! Micah why did you bring that you know Evie hates guns. Micah: for protection? and it seems like we may need it

Micah disappears into the dark forest

Wade sits back down at the campfire and no sooner does he hear his brother scream

Everyone: Micah?! *saying it at different times and in different times*

Caleb comes barreling out of his tent buttoning his pants.

Caleb: what the hell was that? Wade: it was Micah. put on your shoes and come with me *he grabs a flashlight* Caleb: say less. Caleb gets dressed and as theyre heading out into the woods Marie comes running up to Wade

Marie: come back to me okay? one piece. promise? Wade: promise.

Wade and Caleb venture out into the woods in the direction Micah went.

Caleb: sooo..why are we out here what happened? Wade: we heard something out here..dont know what it was..didnt sound like any animal ive ever hunted. Caleb: and Micah..? Wade: Micah came out here to see what it was and something happened to him you heard it. *Wade begins to panic*

Caleb Stops Wade

Caleb: okay relax deep breaths hes fine he got away from it hes smarter than all of us combined okay just... lets walk a little further and if we dont find anything we head back to the camp and look in the daylight

they begin walking again they walk a couple of meters when Wade kicks something in the brush its Micahs gun

Wade: dude... Caleb: okay lets head back to thecamp and wait till light Wade ive got the most messed up feeling Wade looks around for his brother and doesnt see anything Wade: *taking a deep breath* okay

making their way back to the camp the hear something behind them and beging to sprint back they get back to the camp half out of breath looking terrified

Evie: what the hell happened to you? wheres Micah? Wade: we couldnt find him only found this *holds up pistol* Evie: great what are we supposed to do now Wade: we wait till light then we find my brother

cut to the sun coming up

Evie, Mariah, Amanda and Marie all slept Wade stayed up all night and Caleb stayed up to make sure he didnt do anything stupid

as the sun is coming up the girls all emerge from their tents

Wade: okay guys, lets get a plan going Caleb: we should split up into a couple of groups, Wade, you and Marie head off in the same direction Micah went last night Amanda and i will go around the creek and meet you on the other side Evie, you and Mariah go back in the opposite direction and see if he just got turned around and lost

as they go in their respected directions fade to black

open too Evie and Mariah walking through the forest shouting for Micah

Evie: MICAH! Mariah: shhhut up. you dont know what could be in these woods Evie: i swear to christ, youre always going on about the 'supernatural'. please just give it a rest and try to be serious for one second, please? Mariah: but honestly think about it Micah is a big dude and he had a gun no predator is going to be able to snatch him up without leaving some kind of trail. im just saying that anything is possible dont rule anything out.

Evie stops walking and begins to mock Mariah.

Evie: oh yeah what would it be then? Mariah: well i dont have alot of deets on what it does...but i guess it could be a black dog, its quick..?

Evie busts up laughing and begins to walk again hollering for Micah when the hear Marie screm from the opposite direction Evie and Mariah both hightail it back to the campsite as they come barreling in so do Marie along with Caleb and Amanda Marie: What the HELL was that thing?!? oh what the...what.....

Marie looks as if shes seen a ghost

Caleb grabs Marie by the shoulders.

Caleb: where. is. wade?

Marie doesnt answer

Evie: give her some space for a second Cal shes obviously in shock just let her breathe

Evie guides Marie away from the group to sit down on a rock

Caleb: does anyone know what the HELL is going on?! someone is out there messing with us and ITS NOT COOL! *he yells*

Amanda getting Caleb to calm down in the background of Evie and Marie talking

Amanda: okay babe youre fine just look at me and forget about all of this for a sec

Evie: Marie? you ready to talk about what happened?

Marie looks at Evie with absolute fear in her eyes

Marie: Evie,i have absolutley no idea what that was...it looked like a man but it was too tall and skinny and grey-*she begins to panic* Evie: okay, okay deep breaths, did he talk Mariah: dont call it that...that thing was not human Evie... Evies eyes widen as she gets up and walks over to the rest of the remaining group Evie: Mariah, can i talk to you over here please...now...the rest of you go talk to Marie without making her more distraught, okay?

Mariah: whats the deal. Evie: im not saying its all real, but tall, skinny, greyskinned looks like a man and is fast. Mariah: uuuuhhhhmmm.....gimme a second, it could be a lot of things...maybe a skinwalker?..or a Wendigo, i kinda believe they are the same thing. Evie: okay so what is it? Mariah: well they used to be human, but cannabalism drove them to mutate both in body and in mind making them no longer human fun fact actually the donar party mishap was in this area so maybe its a wendigo from that- *Evie interupts Mariah* Evie: please no rambling its not the time...actually that makes sense...kinda, keep going what kills them and where do they keep their 'food' Mariah: well like most things a solid decapitation and burning whats left would be the way to go as in to kill it but we dont have anything to decap it with so...we could disorient it long enough to get away... Evie: how? Mariah: ffffire?? Evie: baby that is stupid but it may just work *kisses Mariahs forehead* they both jog back to the group Evie: okay guys i cant explain it all right this second but ive got a plan.

Evie: alright so- Marie: do you even have a clue as to what this thing is? Evie: well- Mariah: its a skinwalker...ooor a wendigo its undecided Marie: a what? Mariah: a skinwalker they- Evie: enough...we need to get our boys back yes? *the group agrees* Evie: alright well then heres the plan. Caleb, you, Amanda and Marie are going to try to keep its attention but be super careful this thing is quicker and smarter than us. Mariah and i are going to try to find its little hideout Caleb: wait we could do this smarter Evie. Evie: what do you mean? Caleb: weeelll..we get bait out there and the rest of us close enough to follow but not enough to be seen. you following me? Mariah: well whos the bait? Caleb Marie and Amanda all look at Mariah Evie: oh no, Hell no, absolutley not Caleb: oh cmon Ev shes perfect she knows everything about all the monsters right? Mariah: well yeah... Evie: you dont have to babe its okay Mariah: yes i do its okay neither skinwalkers or wendigo kill thier prey before taking them to its 'home' unless you piss it off...Which i promise i wont do, okay...ill be safe Evie: okay well...what do you guys have that is flammable? *she says with a giant smile* Amanda: ive got a can of hairspray and a lighter. Evie: okay we got booze how much? Caleb: a bottle and a half Evie: okay well make two molotofts use a shirt or something. Caleb: on it. Evie: Marie? are you ready to do this? Marie: we have too. to get Wade and Micah back. Evie: alright babe come here. Mariah walks up to evie and they hug for a long time Evie: i love you you know that right? Mariah: of course i do im going to be fine lets go Evie: you heard the woman, lets go!

Mariah ventures out into the wilderness alone, the group waits 10 seconds and then they follow keeping her in eyeline but keeping their distance

Mariah singing to keep herself at ease: its like teaching arcitecture to an eskimo you can show him everything you know hes still gonna build it outta snow *shakily*

a loud shout from out in the forest makes her jump it sounds like Wade. Mariah: Wade?! Wade is that you? another shout seemingly closer but it sounds like Micah the second time around Mariah: okay so mimics voices..dingdingding wendigo for the win..oh jesus

she continues to walk checking over her shoulder every couple of seconds she can hear the beast circling her she continues to sing eskimo by louden swain the rustling stops and she hears what is almost a whisper but sounds scratchy and terrifying "help" she turns around and everything goes black

Caleb: is she singing? Evie: leave her be shes nervous and i think its cute they hear the creature making noises and they watch patiently until it snatches up Mariah and bolts

The group of four takes off running following the creature they follow it to an old run down mine it looks over its shoulder and then proceeds to walk into the mine

Evie: okay we give it a second and follow it in weve got to be quiet as mice i dont care what happens not a sound understand? Group: got it Evie: Caleb you and Amanda stay together with a molotoft and the flamethrower? i guess that what we could call it. Marie and i will keep a molotoft with us and we are going to find our friends. lets go.

they collectively head into the mine

walking through the mine they come to a fork and they split into their respective groups and go along their way

Caleb: its so erie in here Amanda: it is kind of a monsters hide out..what did you expect kittens and rainbows? *laughs* Caleb: SHH! mice remember? Amanda: sorry...i was just pickin Caleb:...did you hear that (he moves Amanda up against a wall next to him) peaking aroung the corner Caleb Gasps and instantly covers his mouth Amanda: tapping him and without using words motions what? Caleb: *mouthing* its right there he peaks aroung the corner again Caleb: i see Micah and Mariah, i dont see wade though. go find the others ill stay here and hidden and keep an eye on what happens here Amanda: *while walking away* i swear to god if you die i will kill you Caleb: *salutes and smiles* understood captain! Amanda giggles and wanders off to find Evie and Marie

Fade to black

Evie: i think we shouldve gone the other way theres nothing down here but a maze. Marie: maybe thats the point Evie...it traps us.. Evie: Marie, refreakinglax okay lets head back the way we came youve been dropping trailmix the whole way? Marie: of course? im shook not stupid?

they begin to follow their trail back the way they came when they hear footsteps.

Evie: over here! she whispers they duck behind an old couple of crates. Evie peaks over the top

as a figure emerges from around the corner Evie ducks, then begins to just barely peak over the crate to see Amanda

Evie: *stands* you scared the living christ out of us Amanda where the hell is Caleb? Amanda: hes fine waiting for us actually, we found it. where its keeping everyone Marie: then why are we standing here lets go!

quietly they make it to Caleb standing at the wall where Caleb and Amanda were is Amanda, Marie and Evie

Caleb: psst guys Evie: guys over here *she leads them behind some debre Caleb is hiding behind* Amanda: how are we going to get it to leave? Marie: we could distract it.. Caleb: how so? Marie: well Evie and I were getting pretty lost in the other side of the mine. we left a trail..so just use the trail to hide in that side of the mine and make a lot of noise to get it to leave long enough we can get Micah and them cut down and get out of here. Evie: whos..gonna do that? Caleb: i will. Amanda: Caleb, what did i tell you i- Caleb: Amanda look at me *he grabs her by the face* ive got to say this now because i dont know if im going to get the chance to later Amanda Miller, you are my light in the dark, my bell in deep water, you are the sand in my pockets that keeps me on earth. i love you with every ounce of my being and NEVER think otherwise you hear me. know i always will even if im not here ill always be here *he places his hand on her heart as a tear falls down his cheek* i am going to do everything in my power to make it out of here alive with you by god. but if i die protecting you then i die happy. and im okay with that. Amanda: well im not *she struggles to say through her tears* Caleb: not right now youre not, and not for a long time you wont be but one day you will. *he kisses her and then stands up picking up a molotoft on the way then disappearing into the mine*

they wait what seems like an eternity passes and they hear Caleb in the other side of the mine Breaking things

Caleb: C'MON YOU UGLY BITCH COME GET SOME FRESH MEAT!

the creature turns quickly running down through the mine towards Caleb

Amanda Marie and Evie make their way through the debre and remains on the floor of this mine Marie sees Wade tied up and rushes towards him Marie:Oh my God! *while turning around she vomits*

Wades body hanging hands tied to a metal hook on the ceiling his throat slit and eyes still open his stomach torn open with his entrails laying across the ground in front of him. even dead his eyes seemingly filled with dread

Marie falls to the ground at his feet and begins to sob

Amanda cutting down Micah And Evie cutting down Mariah they both are unharmed other than the bleeding lumps on their heads from being knocked out Amanda lays Micah down on the ground and begins to try to shake him awake Amanda: Micah wake up cmon

Evie gets Mariah down and wakes her up fairly quickly Mariah still groggy: youre here! she says happily Evie: of course i am, im too stubborn to have left you Mariah: i think my arm is broken it hurts and i cant move it Evie: okay, can you stand? Mariah: lets see shall we (shes still obviously groggy the hit on her head probably caused a concussion)

Micah begins to stand up Amanda: be careful. youre head wound will styphon your senses Micah: im fine wheres my brother? *slurring*

Marie (who has been quiet stands up and walks towards Micah): Micah im so sorry we came as fast as we could we tried so hard to-

Micah pushes past her and cuts his brother down crying Micah: im so sorry baby brother i shouldnt have been so stupid...(he closes Wades eyes) *as Micah begins to stand* Amanda: Micah we- Micah: wheres Caleb? Evie: hes distracting the thing...speaking of...*she goes to the corner to peak around it and listen. she still hears Caleb yelling and Breaking things.* Evie: hes okay for now but we need to go. Marie: we cant just leave him here?! Micah: we have to. no use carrying dead weight. Marie: how could you say that hes your brother? as marie says that they all hear Caleb Loudly "SHIT" and a scramble

Micah: we need to go now, what did we bring as a weapon. Mariah: *giggling* FFFFIRRRE! Micah: keep her quiet lets go

they proceed out of the mine when Caleb barrels into the group Caleb: go. Go. GO!

Micah picks up Mariah knowing she cant run on her own and they all start sprinting

with the monster gaining on them, coming closer to them faster then they were going to hit the entrance into the mine let alone the forest

Micah trips and falls busting his knee and dropping Mariah Caleb makes a split second decision and turns around to help

he helps Micah up and the wendigo grabs Mariah in the mess, snaps her neck, drops her and keeps coming Evie: NO! Marie grabs Evies arm and frantically tries to keep her running as Amanda makes her way out of the mine stopping just outside the entrance Amanda: Goddamnit come on!

Caleb: Go. Micah: What? no. Caleb: GO! NOW! Caleb lights a molotoft and throws it at the beast turns and pushes Micah closer to the mine entrance Caleb: GO! *he says as he full body tackles the flaming monster getting over it and running into the mine* Caleb: come get me you stupid son of a bitch

during this Micah gets out of the mine grabs the girls and keeps them moving

the creature turns and sees the rest of them are gone and follows Caleb down into the mine

Micah, Marie, Evie, and Amanda haul ass to their campsite and rapidly grab the packs with only their radios and keys and continue to haul ass through the forest looking over their shoulders the whole time

they get to their cars get them into the road and wait just in case he made it out

cut to Caleb running through the mine Caleb: *panting* theres got to be something in here to kill this thing with he hears the monster make a shrill moaning sound still a bit aways from him rummaging through debre he finds a pickaxe

Caleb: oh hell yes! a very low growl coming from right behind him he jumps up turns around and swings

cut to black

still waiting in their running cars for the slightest sign that Caleb is out there they hear it

In the depths of the forest, the wind begins to rush against the fragile tree branches. A shrieking howl can be heard. It starts as a bone chilling moan and continues to rise in both power and terror until it climaxes in blood-curdling horror. A sense of dread consumes them as they realize their friends will never make it out of those woods,

backing up wide shot as they drive off

THE END.

#supernatural #fanfic #igaveitago #iactuallyloveit

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fiftyshadesgrl · 4 years

Text

This is part one of a brantley gilbert series im working on. Hope everyone enjoys it.

Is this the wrong thing to do? After everything that went down between me and Brantley, should I really be doing a meet and greet with him? The last time we were in a room together a lot of words were said and our relationship ended. I thought we were going to last forever. We were engaged, I was planning a wedding while Brantley was drinking himself into a early grave. As I pull up to the venue my hands start sweating and I seriously think about backing out, but he has sure come a long way and I just want him to know that I am proud of him.

45 minutes later

Its my turn next in the meet and greet. All of the fans stand behind a curtain until it is our turn. Security motions for me to head out to see Brantley. I take a deep breath and realize its now or never. I walk from around the curtain and Brantleys eyes go wide. "(Y/N), is that you?" I smile and nod, he opens his arms and grabs me. This feels so good, just like it used to. His strong arms is what made me feel safe. I sigh and start to tear up but then I pull away.

He smiles and eyes me up and down. "(Y/N), youre the last person I thought would walk around that curtain."

I place my hand on the side of his face and wish things were different. "I just wanted to come and tell you how proud I am of you."

"Well darlin, you couldve called." He says with a sigh. I cant believe Im standing here in front of him. Those blue eyes just peer into my soul. My heart skips a beat when I hear his songs on the radio. Sometimes I feel like some of them has been written just for me.

Security tells Brantley they need to wrap up the meet and greet. Brantley looks annoyed but he has a show to put on and many fans that he cant let down.

We get our picture taken and then he turns to me. He grabs my hands in his, "do you have a backstage pass?" I shake my head and say, "no just vip."

He called his manager over and whispered something in his ear. His manager produced a backstage pass. Brantley took it from him and handed it to me. "Here darlin, you can watch from backstage and then we can hang out afterwards."

I shook my head, "Brantley I cant accept this. I dont want you doing me favors."

He placed it around my neck. "Then this is a favor for me. Please I really want to talk to you after the show."

How could I say no to him. He really looked sincere and there is some things that I could get off my chest after the show. So I nod and he has the biggest smile on his face. "Thank you (Y/N). It really means alot to me."

"Youre welcome." I go to hug him and he surprises me by kissing me on my forehead. His manager leads me to Brantleys dressing room. "Make yourself at home honey."

"Thank you. Is it alright if I smoke in here?" I ask showing him my pack of cigarettes. He chuckles, "BG is like a chimney. Ash tray is on the table. Drinks and snacks are in the other room if you want anything. If you need anything else just holler."

I nod and light my cigarette as he walks out the door. Its really nice in here. A big leather couch is against one wall right across is a mirror with lights around it. A chair sits in front of it but Brantley doesnt seem the type to need makeup to go on stage. I put my cigarette out in the ash tray and sit back in the couch. It feels like a cloud. I look around trying to find something to occupy me, I flip through my phone. I snap a picture and send it to my best friend with a text saying 'guess i get to go backstage.'

He sends a text back saying 'be careful. Dont let him hurt you again.' I roll my eyes and shut my phone off. I get up and decide to go get something to drink. When I open the door Brantley is on the other side, I think he was giving hisself a pep talk before coming in. He looks worried, "youre not bolting already are you?"

I shake my head. "No, I was going to get something to drink." He sighs like he is glad that I wasnt leaving.

"You mind if I come with you?" He asks shyly.

"Of course not. This is all for you anyways."

We walk down the hall to the room that has the sign catering on the door. He holds the door open for me and as I enter his hand brushes mine. I feel the sparks way down deep and I know he does too.

After we enter the room I grab a water and he gets a plate of food and a tea. The room is quite crowded and noisy. He looks at me and asks, "wanna go back to the dressing room?" I shrug and mouth its up to you. He nods towards the door and I follow him. He pushes the door open and holds it for me.

When we get back to the dressing room he plops down on the couch and puts his feet up on the table. I sit down on the other end of the couch and he looks like he is affended. "What are you doing all the way down there darlin? I aint gonna bite ya."

I smile and scoot closer to him. I take a sip of my water and light another cigarette. I smoke alot when Im stressed or nervous.

"Wheres your food darlin?" He asks looking at my bottle of water.

"Oh, um." I look down at my hands. "Im not hungry."

He shakes his head, "no, I aint having it. Youre gonna eat. Here take my plate Ill go get some more."

Before I could say anything he placed his plate in my lap and was already out the door. I really wasnt hungry. My nerves were getting the best of me and my stomach was in knots.

Brantley came back in a few minutes later with two huge plates of food. I raised my eyebrows at him as he sat down. "You dont expect me to eat that do you Brantley?"

He shook his head, "no one plate for me and the desserts are for both of us."

I picked at my food as we talked about old times and before I knew it they were calling him for the show. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the couch.

"Come on (Y/N), you can watch from the side."

He opened strong and the crowd went wild. After a few upbeat songs he pulled out his acoustic and sat on a stool center stage.

"Welcome everybody yall are amazing."

The crowd cheered loudly as he took a sip of water. He looked over at me and winked causing a face splitting grin to appear on my face.

"I figured wed slow it down a bit for a while. These next few songs mean alot to me. I wrote them for someone special and maybe just maybe."

He looks over at me again.

"She just might hear them tonight."

He starts playing the best of me and glances at me every now and then. Then he starts you dont know her like I do. Then he finishes with you promised. He gets emotional during that song and he looks directly over to me when he sings the last line.

"No matter what you do, you know Ill always love you.

Hell I have to, cause I promised."

The tears streamed down my face. I knew he meant it and after all these years, deep in my heart. I knew I still l loved him. I never stopped, but thats what scares me. Hes changed yes but how could I forget the past?

He was still looking at me as I turned and walked back to the dressing room. I couldnt let him see me cry, so I sat in the dressing room and cried. I went to light my cigarette but couldnt find my lighter anywhere. Brantleys lighter was gone too.

My eyes went to his duffel bag and thought maybe he might have a spare lighter in there. I unzipped it and tried not to look to much at anything but I felt a lighter and as I pulled it out a paper came flying out too.

"Oh shit, I hope It didnt rip."

I picked it up, a picture fell to the floor. I bent to pick it up and saw it was the last picture me and Brantley had made together. That was the better days before everything went bad. I cant believe he has kept it all this time.

"Yall have been awesome tonight! I love yall see ya again soon."

I heard Brantley closing the show so I shoved the paper and picture back in his bag and zipped it quickly. I grabbed my cigarettes and ran to the exit.

The cool air hit my skin like a gift from heaven. I had to take a breather for a moment cause I didnt know what to say to him. Why has he kept that all this time? Why did it make me smile that he did? Because I love him but I cant tell him. Tonight was just to see him and go home.

I sit with my back against the building and lit my cigarette. I looked down at the lighter in my hand and was surprised to see it was the zippo I got him for his birthday one year. This man, does he keep everything.

The band starts coming out of the doors and start loading the bus with equipment and luggage. A few minutes later Brantley came struting out looking frustrated. He couldnt see me because I was sitting behind the door.

I heard him say to his manager, "why didnt you stop her! I need to go find her."

Before he climbed the steps on the bus I stood up and said "you looking for me?"

I could see the relief wash over him. He ran over to me and grabbed me up in a big hug. "I thought I lost you again baby girl."

I smiled and pulled away from him. "Im right here. I just needed some air." He grabbed me by the back of my head and pulled me in for a fierce kiss. It shocked me for a second then I was kissing him back. Our tounges exploring each other mouth. I nipped his lower lip and he growled in response.

I pulled away but he rested his forehead on mine. We were both panting and I managed to find the words. "Brantley, I....I cant do this."

"Come on the bus with me, we can talk cause theres some stuff I need to tell you."

"I dont think thats a good idea Brantley."

He sighs and those blue eyes pierce right into the depths of my soul and break down whatever barriers I had built to keep him out.

"Please, just to talk. I promise."

I nod, "okay, just to talk."

He smiles and grabs my hand. He leads me towards the bus and motions for me to go first. He doesnt speak to anyone but heads straight for his room. He closes the door behind him.

He sits down on the bed and pats the place next to him.

"You can sit baby doll, dont worry I wont do anything."

"I know, I trust you." I sit down next to him but for some reason the words that I have been wanting to say will not come out. Thank god he spoke first.

"Listen (Y/N), I know the last time we saw each other I was a complete mess."

"Complete mess is putting it lightly." I say

He sighs, "ok, I was a complete dick. I know I hurt you and I said things I didnt mean. I swear to you I have changed. I love you (Y/N) I always have, and if you give me a chance." He grabs my hand and I look into his eyes. "I promise you I will make up for everything baby."

I really do believe him but why is it so hard to just give myself to him. "You cheated on me Brantley. You told me you didnt want me anymore. I wanted to marry you and have a family with you. I saw all of that happening but it was all just one big lie."

"Baby look at me." He says as he places his fingers under my chin. My eyes meet his once again. "Im so sorry for everything. After all these years it still eats at me what I done to you. I was fucked up at the time. The booze and pills had me all kinds of fucked up but it didnt mean I didnt want you. I honestly cant tell you why I said that but I can tell you I didnt mean it." I start crying and try to look away but he wouldnt let me.

"You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I was to stupid to realize it. I shouldve treated you better when I had you but for some reason I thought you would always be there. When I sobered up and realized you was really gone I went crazy. I went everywhere and anywhere that I thought you would be. I cried every night and every day I felt like my heart was just gone."

I wiped my eyes and whispered, "Im so sorry Brantley."

"No, no baby, Im the one whos sorry. I dont blame you for leaving me. Hell nobody did. Mama jumped my case everyday for a month about it."

I sniffed, "I found the picture of us in your duffel bag."

"You did?"

I nodded, "I wasnt being nosey I promise. I lost my lighter and couldnt find it or yours so I thought maybe you had a extra one. I didnt look at anything or at the piece of paper the picture fell out of."

He sighed and it looked like he was glad I didnt read it. "I kept that picture because thats all I had of you. Every night before a show looking at it would give me the boost I needed to have a damn good show. When I sleep, I put it under my pillow. I know its stupid but I have to have you with me or I cant survive."

I smile and before I knew it I was kissing him. He kissed me back at first then he gently pushed me away. "Woah baby, you said you only wanted to talk."

I straddled him and pushed his hat from his head. "I know what I said." I kissed his cheeks then his eyes then his lips. "Listen to what my heart is saying now."

His hands were on my sides sliding up and down, his thumbs were under my shirt. He was tracing lazy circles with them. He leaned forward and kisses my collarbone then my neck. "You sure baby." I nodded.

I pulled his shirt up and over his head. He did the same to me. I was wearing a black lace bra, he growled as he kissed the tops of my breast where the lace touched skin.

"God damn baby, I have been missing and wanting this all these years. Im afraid its a dream."

I smiled as I kissed up his neck up to his ear. I whispered "trust me honey, I dont think your dreams can make you feel as good as Im gonna in just a few minutes."

"Holy fuck." He said as he pulled away and took my lips in a searing kiss. He unclasped my bra with one hand. My hand skated down his chest and stomach and came to rest on his belt buckle.

"Make love to me Brantley."

He smiled, "oh baby, with pleasure."

#brantleygilbert #bgnation #bg #brantleygilbertfanfic #brantleygilbertsmut

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bolbianddolanhouse · 5 years

Text

BNHA AU [self insert]

Nani the heck is this? read here!

Chapter 1: *plays Joji’s Yeah Right*

“...and heres your living quarters, fully furnished and with groceries that’ll last a while” said my case worker as I meekly followed next to them.

“thank you! its really nice.” I said, trying to not sound sad.

“I know its tough being young and by yourself, but I believe in you Miss Palma! Don’t hesitate to give us a call if you have questions or need other arrangments.”

“thank you for your kind words, I’ll keep that in mind” I said as politely as I could because I knew I wasn’t going to call them for shit. “Ill get my luggage out of my car, its not much so I’ll be fine if you need to leave”

“oh alright, Ill leave you to settling in and remember that a UA staff will be coming by with your uniforms tomorrow in the afternoon.”

oh jeez I forgot about that, not looking forward to get fat shamed in this country, let alone by a school staff. “oh right! it almost slipped my mind that here you wear uniforms in high school! hehe thank you for the reminder!”

“no problem! Bye bye”

oof! I was getting tired of pretending to be polite to that case worker. The past 3 months has been tough with the whole being sent away from my family and finding a school with nearby housing. At least I can sleep well without thinking where I’ll end up next. I unpack my 3 suitcases of clothes, personal belongings, cosmetics and other nessities. I take out my framed photo of my family and place it on my bed stand, I miss them and the doggos. I try not to cry and continue to put my things away. I made myself dinner, took a bath and laid in bed; and I’m thinking if I should call my parents to tell them I got settled. I checked the time, it was 4am their time, I sent a text instead.

[Hola mama y papa! ya estoy en mi apartamento, es muy lindo. Llama me cuando puedas, te extrano mucho y tambien a los doggos!]

I haven’t talked to my parents in a week because of the whole phone arrangement and being too busy with the entrance exam. Now I guess I’ll sleep and do some school supply shopping after meeting with the staff member.

-the next day-

Its saturday and its gloomy out and I wake up thinking, great! even the sky knows its going to be a rough day today! I get dressed, eat and gluzzle down my daily 2 cups of coffee. I scroll through my private social media handles to check on my friends, looks like they’re having fun, without me. I suck in the tears because I know DAMN well they’re sad I’m gone too. I distract myself with memes and I think maybe I should make some tea? and some cookies too? do i even have tea? I go through the cupboads and pantry, the case worker wasn’t kidding when they said that I had groceries that’ll last a while! I had 2 different types of tea, dry pastas, canned goods, snacks and some traditional ingredients for japanese and mexican cusine. I go searching for a kettle or teapot and I find a juicer in the way back of the top cupboard. There was a note on the juicer that said ‘to the next tenant, my wife didn’t want to take this big, messy thing to our next place, hope you find use out of this!’ I laugh at the idea that there was probably a lovers quarral over the juicer. I make tea and some green juice, just so I can get rid of the bundle of kale in the fridge, I hate kale. I make some cookies too but its just so I can get my mind off things since I was so nervous on meeting this staff member. Right on the dot, at 3pm, theres a knock at my door. I look through the peep hole and I see this woman with blue eyes and dark purple-ish, black hair in busniess causal attire. I open the door and put on my best ‘everything is ok’ face.

“hello! are you Miss Palma?”

“yes I am! are you the UA staff member with the uniforms?”

“I am! its so nice to meet you, I am Kayama sensei or better know as Midnight”

“Midnight? Ok um, would you like to come inside?”

“oh yes, thank you! Now I understand that you live alone?” she said as she walked in to the apartment.

“yes thats correct, I got here yesterday and settled in”

“oh wow, and at such a young age! Well If you need anything or need to talk about anything thats bothering you, please let me know! This whole you being separated from family and home worries me” She said in the most sincer tone that I almost started crying. I haven’t heard single person talk to me so genuinely since I left America and I need a trusted adult to help me, I heavily considered her offer.

“oh thank you for your offer, I might need some help in a few weeks BUT for now, may I offer you some tea? coffee? green juice? maybe some cookies?”

“green? juice? whats in it? I’ve never heard of green juice before”

“oh right! its a California health culture thing. Its the juice of pinapple, apple, kale, lemon and cucumber. The combination of the fruits and vegetables is for a healthy disgestive system and energy for before or after exersize”

“that sounds tasty! Ill have green juice please”

I serve her the juice and sit across from her in the living room. I see the clothing bags and think that thats alot of clothing bags just to give me 3 sets of uniforms. She drinks the juice and wanted to say something about my expression when I saw the bags but her eyes widened and she looked at the cup of juice.

“OH MY GOODNESS! this is the best and freshest juice I’ve ever had NO JOKE! You said this is a thing where you’re from? I need to invest in a juicer to make this at home!” she said so shocked and I was surprised to recieve the praise like I invented the juice.

“I’m glad you like it! Its like a little slice of my hometown to me to you”

“oh? ok back to business! I see you eyeing the uniforms, you want to try them on? I brought some sizes up and down from the given mesurements.”

“um ok sure! Let me take these to try on in my room, ill be right out”

I take the bags to my room and I zip them open and I see the white collared shirts, gray blazer looking thing and skirts. I think oh jeez my ass is definately not gonna fit in these bitches. I put on the shirt and blazer that best fit and lastly the skirt, SUPRIZE! you can see my ass cheeks hanging out from the bottom. I walk out of the room to Midnight.

“ok so I found a shirt and top that fits well on me BUT the skirt...” and I turn around and show her my exposed ass cheeks peeking underneath.

“oh dear, thats definately not in regulation! Ok so you need a longer skirt? like... another 6 inches?” she said as she takes out a measuring tape from her purse.

“um yea, if thats doable”

“it is but we won’t have that ready until the 1st day of classes, so I guess for now, try on the pants and see if any of those fit”

Great. I’m going into a new school, misgendered and foreign passing. 2 of the pants in the clothes bag fit well....too well. We said our good byes and I had at least 2 sets of uniforms ready until I get a proper pair. No matter, at least my ass won’t be hanging out at school. I go school supply shopping and came upon the holy grail of stationary, SCENTED PAPER AND GLITTER PENS. Of course in the pastel rainbow colors and matching lead pencils. I get a whole matching set along with a backpack, water bottle and coffee tumbler. I was going to soon regret that matching set (more on that later) but I was just SO happy that I was pink, pretty and sparkly.

-Fast forward to the 1st day-

I was in a much better mood because the sun was out, the coffee smelled particularly good, I made myself look cute but toned down for a good 1st day impression. I grab my keys and think I think I’m forgeting one detail? What could it be? and I thought Oh! I need to text my parents that I’m happy and I’m going to school now! I am noticably happy that the nice front desk lady of my housing noticed and wished me luck on my 1st day. I get in my car and I have 1 hour to get to school but its only a 8 minute drive and I wanted to circle to find parking and see where the entrance is so I can teleport from wherever I parked. I pass the gates before seeing the parking and I think oh cool its just right there! but Ill still teleport in the front. I park and I don’t even get out of my car, I just hug my backpack and teleport in front of the gates. I start walking toward the gates and try to not smile like an idiot but I start to notice all the looks and stares. And I think oh they just don’t recongize me because I look foreign or didn’t see me at the entrance exams. As a enter the 1st year doors I hear

‘yo you see that guy? he looks as pretty as a girl! Guess his favorite color is baby pink? Are they wearing eyeliner? I wonder how long is his hair? That bun is tastful, no homo tho!’

I FORGOT THAT PANTS ARE THE BOY’S UNIFORM AND MY SKIRTS ARE STILL BEING TAILORED! I socially already fucked up, guess I won’t be making friends anytime soon. But I guess I’m glad they think I’m a pretty girl in the boy’s uniform? I walk up to the table at the furthest hall on the right that says International Student Check In thats me. I get greeted by a man with a boombox looking thing on their neck, black pants and jacket, small triangle sunnies and yellow hair.

“HEEYYY welcome to UA!”

“oh thank you! I am Itati Palma, American student”

“okay lets see, palma palma paruma AH found you! OH YOURE THAT JAZZY SAX GIRL THAT TURNED HERO!”

oh jeez who put that on my record?! “hehehe yea thats me”

“coolio jazzy girl! Heres your schedule, pins and a note from Midnight”

“pins?”

“yeeeaahh! pins to put on your uniform to let other students and staff where youre from and get to know you better!”

I open the small manila pouch into my hand and two pins fall into my palm, the American and Mexican flag. I look at them and tried not to cry, I missed my home and chill life in Cali.

“hey hey! your classes are on the 3 hall on the right, door all the way down.”

“oh right!” that snapped me out of my sentiment, “thank you again! Mr?”

“they call me Mic sensei”

“Mic? ok thanks!”

I walk quickly to my classroom, I get to the outside of the door and think welp, heres to 3 years of being called pretty boy and other dumb shit. I open the door and I see 9 desks and 5 people already there. Oh jeez, what a small class size but at least nobody is staring at me. I sit in the middle seat, though I prefer the front desk but they were already claimed! Guess classroom culture is different here too. In front of me was a boy to what I thought was a Japanese native until they turned and I caught a glimpse of their pin, they’re Korean! They noticed my pins too and had a confused look as they gave me a once over.

“You’re an...american? and mexican? You traveled quite a ways”

“um yeah hehe, I am Itati Palma by the way!”

“hmm, nice to meet you Palma-san, I’m Jin Matsui”

“nice to meet you too!”

Before I could ask them where in Korea are they from, the door slammed open. A tall and muscular white-blonde girl walked in, I tried so hard not to stare at them but they looked so tough and wondered if that’s part of their quirk. She sat behind me and Jin and I turned around to get a better look at them. I saw their pins, the Russian and Japanese flag, shes also a foreign student. She looked up with a death stare at me and Jin but then her eyes widened and she smiled.

“ah! fellow foreigners! Hello!” she spoke in a predominate Russian accent that matches so well with her image.

“um yeah! Hello, I’m Itati Palma”

“Hi, and I’m Jin Matsui”

“Palma-san and Matsui-san?Milana Mikhalia Oleshin, very nice to meet you!”

Oh my! A long and hard to pronounce name, I guess we aren’t at nickname or first name basis yet for everything to go smoother. I turn to my bag because I got a text, its my parents!

[Hola mija! Que bien que estas feliz hoy! Te amo y ponde bien en tus studias, dios te bendiga.]

Oh mom, you have no idea how bad I had it earlier. I look around and see everyone has nice, canvas school bags and I have my baby pink one with a puppy on it. And everyone had normal stationary and you can smell and see mine from across the hall. Oof, what I’d give to redo today. I look at my schedule and see that I have a short school day this semester.

Palma, Itati (F) (International) Intelligence Core Program [1-A]

Homeroom......9a-10am..........................................Intelligence Wing, room 1-A

Weaponery.......10:15am-11:50am.........................................Gym

Hero Course [Ethics and Laws].....12p-1:15p...........Hero Wing, room 1-A

Free Period.........2:50p-3:30p.......................................TBA

Intelligence Course[Statistics&Strategy]3:45p-4:40p..Intelligence Wing,room 3-A

Seems like a reasonable schedule, better than America. I didn’t know that Oleshin-san was peeking over my shoulder to read my schedule.

“YOURE THE GIRL THAT TESTED OUT OF GENERAL STUDIES?!”

I jumped in my seat “um yea?”

“I heard about you! The staff and school district are boasting that they got the potentially genius level international students. They said that theres 2 of them here at UA and they are jumping straight into course work! One has placed college level English and 3rd year Level Strategtic Thinking! And thats you!”

Jin turns around, looking bootytickled “erm, what? Let me see your schedule.”

He scans and compares it to his “well theres proof that you are one of those students, but then again, so am I”

I take a look at his, almost identical except they’re not taking the hero course, but second year english. What a weird turn of events that I’d be in the same class as other international students in the same school arrangments? I guess they’re my friends now.

A clean cut man in a blue jumpsuit with multiple patches on the arms opens the door. I just knew they were our teacher, it shows that he’s been through it all and has wisdom to bestow upon us.

“Hello, good morning students, if you could all take your seats so I can get things started”

Everyone fell into place and was attentive.

“Welcome to the Intelligence Program, You can call me Diya sensei, I’m a retired secret service of Japan better known as Agent 99 code name ‘Space Cowboy’”

I tried so hard not to laugh at that code name, I wondered why he was called that. Maybe his quirk?

“Now to take roll, say present when I say your name”

He finished roll and said “huh, 3 international students? I expect impeccable work from you three. I won’t slow down for you”

I somehow wasn’t scared of that statement. Before moving on to explaining the coursework and lessons, a lizard bolted from the window and to Diya sensei. He let out one of the most high pitched yelps and retreated to the corner. How can a man so sharp and decorated, be reduced to a crying mess over a lizard? Matsui-san captures the fast lizard and wraps it in his gym towel to take outside after homeroom. Sensei regains his composure and continues class like nothing happened. After homeroom, we all had weaponery but we didn’t get to use any gear or weapons yet. Instead we got measured for our jumpsuits and PE clothes plus got settled in the locker rooms. To my surprise it was co-ed locker rooms since it was a small class size and only 3 girls. Everyone was respectful of eachother’s bodies and privacy. Next I was supposed to go to the ethics class but in Midnight’s note, she said that I start that class on Wednesday so for the time being, I have to report to the staff room to meet with them. I go to the staff room and on the way I see a class doing drills with quirks outside, it looked fun and everyone looked so focused. I get to the staff room and Midnight hands me my tailored skirts and 3rd set of uniform. I also got to know the other teachers and staff including the principal, a big ass fuckin rat. I was about to punt that bitch when they opened the door if they didn’t start talking. Other than that, it was a nice time and then there was lunch. I walked in the cafeteria and saw the long ass lines and said ‘fuck that’, so I teleported to my car and ate my packed food in there. Next was my free period, Midnight said that it was alright for me to wander around campus so I can get to know the place better so I can teleport from class to class. I wander around without my bag, just my phone and schedule with school map folded in my pocket. I go to the hero wing to find the 1-A room, nobody was in there, maybe its gym time for them? I pass by a group of 3 upper classmen, A boy with black hair and pointy ears, a taller boy with lemon colored hair and a girl with long sky blue hair. They all looked at me as I passed by and I felt intimidated because they have a strong presence to them but I didn’t know why or how. I hid behind the corner and heard them talking about me,

“did you see that? I made accidental eye contact and I think I’m going to be sick”

“hmm, do you think thats the international student Mirio? They had an american flag pin”

“Maybe? Theres no description of them other than they’re American and a 1st year in the Intelligence program”

“wait, sceret service? I thought they saved their school from a gang by disabling the leader? Why are we interested in her again Mirio?”

“She’s a true hero Amajiki! We could learn alot from her and maybe change their mind to be a hero, like they were meant to be”

What the heck was that Lemon boy going off about? A hero? Change my mind? Learn from me? I turned the corner to tell them off but they were gone and I wasn’t about to go looking for them. I wander some more and the bell rings and a swarm of students come out of their classrooms, I couldn’t naviagate around and I think, guess Ill teleport, BUT THEN I COULDN’T! Like when I was acting up back home and my mom would use her erasure quirk on me to prevent me from escaping. But my mom couldn’t be here!? Then what the fuck is going on? Then a man’s voice from behind me spoke,

“are you lost young lady?”

I turn around and I’m shaking in fear before I even see this mystery man. I see him and he’s a tall, dark long haired with eye bags. I knew right away he was the one who erased my quirk, his eyes glowed the same way my mom did when she activated her quirk. Mom i thought and how much I missed her and I couldn’t hold back my tears this time. I cried in front of this man I just met. He arched his brow then gazed his eyes on my flag pins. He gasped and deactivated his quirk.

“oh no I’m sorry Miss! I didn’t mean to scare you to tears, are you alright?”

I stammered “um uhhhh -sniff- I’m, I’m ok! um I’ll just leave”

“no please, let me escort you to your next class, I feel terrible for making you cry. Especially on the 1st day”

I felt sort of better when he offered, I let him walk with me.

“you didn’t scare me, I cried because you and my mother have the same quirk and looking at your glowing eyes reminded me of her and how much I miss her”

“oh! same quirk you say? Were you a trouble maker?”

“nah, I would try to teleport away when it was time to do housework when I was younger and she’d disable my quirks so I couldn’t escape and HAD to do chores”

He laughed “what a woman! Say, your not from around here huh?”

“nope, I’m from America with hispanic roots”

“OH! you’re an ethnic American! That’s why you have two flags.”

“yup, I got here about a week ago and settled about 3 days ago”

“yeah, Midnight told me about you. You’re a very unique indivdual, how are your classes so far?”

“nothing interesting yet”

“well hopefully things pickup soon, oh i think this is your wing”

“um oh yea it is, thank you for walking me over, Mr?”

“Mr Aizawa, or better known as Eraserhead”

“Eraserhead? um ok thanks again!”

“no problem, see you wednesday”

“wednesday?”

“yea, I’m the Hero Course ethics teacher. See you then!”

Then this man deadass walks away after dropping that bomb on me? What a legend, can’t wait to sit in his class. My last class was more up my alley and the upperclassmen were so nice that I didn’t feel any different from them. I walked to my car to reflect on all the shit that happened today and what I am going to do to make school bearable. The drive to my place was pleasant but I saw a bunch of students walking together like they just became friends and wanted to spend more time together. I felt a little lonely when I got home, I remembered when I was in america and I would talk to my friends after school and how they’d wait for me after band practice to hang out. I took off my uniform and hanged up my new ones and had one really good cry. I haven’t cried that hard in months and it was much needed for my mental health. I washed up and ate and tried to just forget all the dumb shit of the day when I laid down to sleep.

-fast foward to Wednesday-

“hey Palma-san! did you do the online homework for stats and strats?”

“yee, did you?” I said knowing damn well what Matsui-san was going to say.

“psh! course I did, I was just making sure you did it so you might have something to do during free period”

“HEY! T-posing through the halls IS a viable thing to do! I was studying where everthing is on campus for future use”

“IS NOT WHEN YOU LEVITATE AND SCREECH IN THE BOYS BATHROOM WHILE I’M IN THERE!”

Before I could retort back, Oleshin-san butted in,

“aye Palma-san, you excited for your hero course class?”

“oof yee, the teacher is kinda hot”

“I SAW and I’m jealous! You have to tell me if the boys in that class are hot too!”

“ugh, don’t you two have better things to talk about than butts and boys?”

“I’m so excited tho! To meet anybody thats outside our program and learning new things?! I just hope they like me, I even made them cookies”

“Palma-san nani the heck!? I want a cookie”

“You guys can get a cookie during lunch if theres any leftovers”

I quickly change after weapons class and bolt to the hero wing. I walk down the hall and I’m really feeling nervous! I look at my coffee tumbler and felt calmer as I took a sip. Ok Ita, you can do this, no chickening out now I psych myself up as I stand in front of the door. I open the door, expecting everyone to be strewn about and talking...nope. I walk in and everyone is in their seats and sensei was standing up in the front and I disrupted them. Everyone was staring and I instantly get flushed and I check to make sure I was in the right classroom and said,

“did I fuck up?”

“no actually I was just talking about you, perfect timing!” said Aizawa with a smile. “why don’t you come up and introduce yourself?”

“um ok” I said as I scanned the room. I got up to the front, chugged down my coffee for dominance, did a quick spin for drama and put on my ‘I swear I slept a normal amount of sleep last night’ face.

“Hi hello~ My name is Itati Palma and I’m from America! The reason I don’t look like one is because my ethnic background is hispanic, or in other words, both of my parents are from Mexico but I was born in America. My quirk isn’t the strongest or the most useful BUT I can be of better help in other parts of combat, so please, we don’t have to be friends but lets all work hard together” I bow respectfully and turn to sensei.

“nice speech kid, you can take the seat on the third row”

“um ok thanks”

As I’m walking toward my seat, sensei walks out saying he’ll be right back with more handouts. I sit and I feel all eyes on me, giving me the once over. The person in front of me has a bird head but normal human body from the neck down, the person behind me has half their face covered with multiple limbs and the person on my left has red spiky hair and was staring REALLY hard at me. I almost didn’t want to look at them until sensei came back, I just sat there blushing really hard.

“Kirishima! stop staring at her! Can’t you see you’re making her uncomfortable?!” said the boy with glasses making chopping motions.

“Oh sorry! Its just that I’ve never seen curly hair of that type in person, you have really nice hair and your backpack is cute”

“um thank you, I feel sorta out of place with it tho, everyone else has normal bags”

“tch, makes you look like a little girl” muttered the boy with the blonde hair.

“Kacchan thats so rude! I think their choice of bag is cute and different in a good way” said some broccoil looking ass.

“well um, not to change the subject, but I made you guys cookies! I got up extra early to bake them”

“Cookies?! oh how sweet of you!” joked the pink girl.

“Oh here, let me help you with that” said the boy with glasses as he stood up.

“oh no I got this” I take out a package of colorful napkins and the box of cookies and I toss the napkins up and activate my quirk to pass out the napkins. Then I opened the box and gave everyone a cookie and gave sensei 3.

“so cool! you passed out the treat without getting up!” squealed what I assume to be the invisible girl.

“THESE COOKIES ARE SOOO YUMMY TOO!” proclaimed the boy with a black streak in their yellow hair.

Everyone was in a better mood and I got compliments for my cookies, I was in my happy place. After class, as I was packing my bag, the boy with the glasses came up to my desk

“thank you for the cookie, Palma-san, you really know how to bring a crowd together”

“oh thank you, uhhhhh”

“hm? OH my name is Tenya Iida, sorry I forgot to introduce myself earlier”

“Iida-san? oh its alright, its nice to meet you”

“I haven’t seen you around halls, sensei tells us your in a different program? Is it true?”

“Yes its true, also the school is kinda big and I can be easy to miss in a crowd because I’m so short”

“I see, well its lunch time! May I walk you to the lunch room?”

“oh thank you but I usually eat in the parking lot” I soon regreted my words because this square faced, glasses wearing ass gasped and grabbed me by the wrist followed by dragging me down the hall.

“You’ve been by yourself during such social time?! Now I have a better reason to bring you to the lunch group!”

“eating by yourself isn’t a huge deal” I say but looking back, thats all I’ve been doing.

“A true hero never lets a fellow classmate eat alone!”

I get aggitated and retort “well what if they want to be alone!” as I teleport out of his grip and 3 feet behind him. He sees the whole thing and stopped on the dime, he was shocked.

“you, you used your quirk to escape my grip? What is your quirk exactly?”

“Heck, um its Mid-range Telekinesis, I can levitate, levitate others and objects and teleport about 2 miles at a time.”

“thats incredible power! what do you mean your quirk isn’t strong or useful?! You’re gifted in so many ways!”

I wasn’t having fun anymore, he wasn’t letting me talk or left me alone when I said I wanted to.

“please stop”

“hmm? stop what”

“stop, talking about my quirk like I’m some sort of show horse”

“Show horse? no no no! I didn’t mean to-”

“STOP!” I didn’t want to hear it, I just wanted to hide. Tears were welling up in my eyes.

“what is going on here? Tenya, what are doing to that poor girl?” it was Midnight. “oh no, are you ok Itati?” and I start to cry when she made eye contact with me.

“its ok, you’re ok! please don’t feel sad” she comforted me as she held me, “why don’t you go to lunch Tenya, I’ll take care of things here”

“but I- I mean-”

“please, she’s been through too much already”

He walked away, looking back every few steps. Midnight escorted me to the staff room so I can calm down a bit and talk about what happened.

“You want to talk about it?” she asked me softly.

“yea, the school culture is too much for me”

“how so? Are you not making friends? Are the classes too hard?”

“its mostly the students outside of my program, they’re too into their hero agenda to be the best that they aren’t considering other’s personal feelings or perfernces”

I then tell her about the 3 upper classmen that talked about me and what Iida told me as they dragged me down the hall.

“oh I see now, it almost feels like you’re being targeted and pressured.”

“yeah, I want to learn about this hero culture more but this is too much at once. It’s strange because back home, I was so used to be part of the crowd and stand out when I wanted to. And here it feels like I breathe a little too loud and I’m suddenly getting looks”

“ok, I’m glad you aren’t giving up. But if they start getting physical and racist, please let any of the staff know.”

“alright, Thank you Midnight! I don’t know what I’d do without you”

I go about my day and tell Matsui and Oleshin what happened after school. They weren’t too keen about it,

“That glasses wearing asshole!”

“yea not good on a future hero if you tell me”

“We got your back Palma-san”

“YEAH! we international students have to stick together, its scary being alone”

“yea Matusi-san is right. If any of those hero asses try any of us, I’ll flex on them and toss them in the trash!” Oleshin-san said as she flexed her strong arms.

“And I can portal us to safety or anywhere really” Matsui-san said as he jumped.

“oh guys! I’m gonna cry again!” I said because I was so touched by their words.

“and I’ll T-pose, screech and rise on them. Maybe levitate them in the trash too”

We all laugh as we flex and T-pose together in the school parking lot. They walked me to my car. We were about to part ways to head home when I said

“hey, um you guys can call me Ita, if you want”

“Ita? then you can call me Jin”

“oh we doing short hand! then you can call me Mimi”

“Jin and Mimi huh? ok! see you guys tomorrow”

“bye!”

“until tomorrow”

As I drove home, I thought Holy shit I just made friends.

-End Chapter 1-

#bnha #mha #self insert au #chapter 1 #not canon #will update regularly #ask me anything

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thegurlbehindthesmile · 3 years

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Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

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pheraen-king01 · 6 years

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sometimes i feel i talk too much about my feelings to ppl that it doesnt rly concern yet i do it anyway, like i dont expect any input just throwing it out there to get it off my chest i guess,could careless for advice, if its awkward just say acknowledged and ill be content, but geeee wrote to my brother whose in prison and i wrote alot and it branched off to different crap but i was trying to covering everything thats happened in a span of a year, it was jumbled but hope i even sounded like i knew wat i was talking about, covered depression/suicide crap/ therapist crap/ meds/ and some feeligns cause i was mad at him for a good while, okay like a year honestly cause he was insensitive about crap and finally tell him like, hey u hurt me there, late af but its cause im not hurting from it anymore i feel so different man, a good different, i spoke with my brother that lives with me more today, and actually joked with him but kept a straight face (gotta work on that) it felt nice? tho we are not compatible as siblings period, ive been more tolerate with his kids and my little niece actually came by to sit by me to watch some Chowder, she never does willingly cause im so distant ill move or leave or something, but idk i was like ay nice u like me now? am i more friendly and approachable now? i was a dick to them and i feel bad i was well aware back then how i was treating them im just not compassionate at all my room is forbidden grounds but wen she asks for a pencil and i just tell her, u kno where its at go get it, and she gets excited to step into my room only thing i get paranoid about is if they see my sword, knives, and uhhhh packer, but thats always locked in a box but still have an irrational fear its not there, the sword is out of reach the pocket knife is usually somewhere on the ground but they dont grab it they know better, my dad takes away my pocket knifes cause ill use em to cut myself but i havnt for the past month or so, but course dont trust me, i dont trust myself 100% but eh i keep it on me alot idk im just more expressive than usual and thats scaring me cause thats not normal outside of with friends i am myself but home hell no, still very distant with my dad, yes i love him hes my dad hes done nothing to me, just once but who cares i moved on but hes not there in the head anymore so its hard to break the ice there cause he wont listen to me, if its more than 3 words he will just say yes even if its not a question, my moms always hounding me like hes ur dad he loves u yada yada, and my bros like ur lucky to still have ur dad or a dad and im like yeah yeah i kno im hecking trying here, once he had internal bleeding and nearly died he was in the hospital for a week or two and my brother sat down with me and told me to like talk to him cause he was out for a day or two and i started tearing up cause i cant express myself period, and im being labeled as a cold hearted son who doesnt give a shit if he died, wen i did but even if he did die i cant say i wouldve been sad cause theres no connection theres no bond, other than hes my parent, idk im trying man truly im trying to change

#venting

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bigbrothernetflix-st · 4 years

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EPISODE SEVEN

“I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING.” - joey

HOH: Nathan UPSIDE DOWN: Emma NOMINEES: Jev & Kiki POV: Joshua FINAL NOMINEES: Josh C & Kiki EVICTED: Josh C (6-0)

ARIA

So,,,i highkey fucked up but all good things come to an end, I couldn't play the middle forever but the way it ended was just a little earlier than i expected. Also i handled the backlash of the dpov HORRIBLY! I did so many things wrong this week its insane even though i was on all day calling people i still fucked up,,,but its fine nothing i can really do to change that. But from here i want to fix things and do better, which does start with addressing where I fucked up so lets start with that woot woot (also holy shit that double was so draining this is the first time ive felt legitimately tired in a while and its only 1 am)

1. COMP FLOPS

-literally all my allies flopped on the comps when we REALLY needed to win and its even worse combined with the information I was told where people told me they were throwing just to do well instead- its clear they weren't being honest with me and I settled into their lies without an ounce of hesitation

2. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE

I just really settled certain things poorly leading up to this night, i think somewhere i majorly fucked up is with emma, if i was able to get her to vote out nick or get jacob to dpov someone she would vote out i would be in a much better position atm but i didn't and therefore ive exposed myself. And if i was able to receive knowledge of her rose gold dpov before hand i couldve worked out a new plan that way

3. DAMAGE CONTROL

This is where i **truly** fucked up and its gonna show in my jury management too, like theres NO way i could ever get nicks vote at this point in time. Also my gut instinct after the vote was to lie about the way i voted to kiki/joshua/nick/jev when i shouldve came clean and used a bullshit excuse about how i heard nick was after me or something. It's gonna damage my relationships with all of them

SO wabam here i am slightly fucked due to me being a mess but its okay!! I'm still in the game and while im not in as good as a position as I was last time im still certain i can get back into everyones good graces!! And i mean this vote did reveal that a lot of people consider me to be in a duo with them??? which um is kinda weird HBFSHDF Like joey and emma were both calling us duo of the season and i was like....k cute cool totally called that and knew we were a duo yup yup- FBHJDSBF LMAO but i mean in terms of my own position you have the two trios (jacob/bri/nathan and jev/kiki/joshua) who are going to go after each other with Josh C and Emma leaning toward jev/kiki/joshua while me and joey lean towards jacob/bri/nathan. Its crazy that its literally f10 and its five versus five with hardly any true middle player (for now wink wonk)

But now that nick is out I need to think about whats next and whats my next big move. I think rn im involved with a lot of moves but im not the face of them (bri using pov on nathan, jacob dpoving bri) and such but if i want to win I have to make a move of my own and DEF need to work on jury management bc again nick is gonna hate my guts after reading my gbm,,,as yousef would say "oopsie whoopsie" so I think from here I need to get back in jev/kiki/joshua's good graces SOME how and im really tempted to come clean about my vote bc i think thats going to hurt me in the long run and theres literally already an alliance of all five of that side so like....whats the point of sewing mistrust but also, i do kinda want to try just being a dirty crime snake this game and seeing how much control I truly have on this game. Literally EVERYONE except those three knows my true vote and i've told them all to keep it to themselves so we'll see what happens,,,, im kinda tempted to pin the vote on emma just for funsies and tell them that "jacob told me hes close to emma" or some bs like that but also,,,thats kinda mean yknow? Its also a testament to test how much that trio trusts me which im GUESSING is less than emma but who knows maybe ill get lucky :DD

Anyways in terms of moving on I really need someone who actually likes me to join jury so its not completely set against me the whole time but also im not sure how thats gonna go down ugh. I mean in terms of end game my options are starting to become limited because nathan/bri/jacob would all BODY me at the end bc at this point they've been the face of big moves and I hope my big move can be turning on one of them and getting them out at some point so when i really start to look at a realistic f2 I can win,,, im kinda leaning toward my new duos of emma or joey which is kinda a shocker to me too lemme tell u HFBSDF but joey's perception of the game seems,,,,messy and I think i can beat him while emma is def doing better but she hasnt snapped yet so i think i can maybe beat her. And then jev/joshua/kiki depends im not sure yet but the thing with them is none of them are gonna want to bring me to the end which is super frustrating (i mean i did just snake em so,,,maybe its deserved)

The thing is that I like being honest about my vote so trying to have an honest game convo with any of those three is gonna be really hard,,,,esp considering they were all my targets for live night but here we are :') And i really dont know what to do at this point which is really annoyinggg (annoying @ myself theyre all lovely) I think im gonna have to wait a bit before i can try getting them all to fully trust me rn i dont know this has been such a mess but im doing my best!! Before i end this probably poorly aging paragraph its trust ranking time

1.myself (FUCK, and i cant stress this enough, EVERYONE)

HUGE GAP

2.Brianna (shes slowly becoming more stuck in jacob's trap but i do still think shes loyal to me, god IS a woman!!!)

3.Jacob (hate having this man so high bc hes bodying this game but he tells me a lot ig :/ )

ANOTHER GAP

4. Nathan (we need to call and discuss live night but he isnt going to like nominate me or anything)

5.Joey (apparently we're a f2?? not sure where that happened but also hes cagey idk)

-smol gap-

6.Josh C (told me his alliance!! shame he doesnt know im gonna rat him out to my side teehee)

7.Emma (we're also a duo?? almost forgot about that but i fucked her over here a bit but i can build the trust back up i THINK)

anothe gap

8.Jev (he talked to me after live night and didnt ask about my vote so thats cute....not sure where we stand...help)

9.Kiki (we talked briefly after the vote but idk if they realized im a snake yet)

10.Joshua (the silence is deafening)

Not happy w/ my position yet and im likely to just come clean to joshua in a call tmrow because hes honestly really sweet and his friendship means a lot to me but i need to figure out how I leave me connection with jacob/bri out of it.. ill think of something

praying im not the most hated here but if i am it wouldnt be the first time ig, and thats on pewiod <3

JOEY

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING. Not a damn soul is coming after me, and more importantly, I have numbers on my side, and no one’s gonna be pissed off at me on BOTH sides of the house. People say Josh C is playing both sides? Nah, it’s me. I need him out because I’m trying to ride that middle man status. My ideal plan is to see Emma go home next week, so that way I ain’t responsible. I want to get rid of Jacob at Final 7, and I will damn sure make that happen. Aria and I have a Final 2 that I plan on sticking to. Seeing Nick go was sad, but good lord it was I-C-O-N-I-C.

EMMA

Everything in this game lately has honestly pissed me off first it was me getting blindsided during live night even though i didnt really want to vote nathan if i was being honest i wanted brianna out over nathan because i thought nathan would be more easier to work with them boom Dpov and boom nick going i am like a little unsure if i regret using the dpov or not i do regret it well because nathan won hoh and sent me to the upside down and nick probably wouldnt try super hard for hoh but then again it seemed my so called allies were probably more closer to nick but i am not even sure my so called low confidence is my weakness in my games but i dont know how to be more confident pretty sure everyone beats me in the end at this point unless if i win an hoh if i do at this point Jacob/Brianna/even nathan getting nominated i didnt want nathan out before like if i won hoh i would of put him to the upside straight up nominate brianna and jacob if one of them goes off the block joey gets put up as a pawn after the upside down week im gonna do whatever to make it to the end idc if i go to the end with somebody i cant beat i just want to make this game enjoyable for me as i can i dont want to float for awhile then bring a goat to the end NNN

EMMA

my shit list in order to who i target to who isnt on my rader

Jacob > Nathan > Brianna > Joshua = Aria > Jev > Kiki/Josh C > Joey

who i like most to who is most annoying to play on a game level (i dont really hate or dislike anyone on a personal level)

Aria > Jev > Joshua *tiny gap* Nathan > Kiki/Josh C >>>>>>>>>>> Jacob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Joey = brianna also joey would be higher but he lied to me for no reason even tho i didnt mind putting alot of trust in me and i love brianna on a personal level but girl i am not good socially with her which is my fault and her fault also jacob kinda assumed stuff about me like not big stuff like meta but he still told other people except me (people who are out who i love) Gina/Jakey > Saira=Nick=Monty=Mo *small gap* Nash >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> dog shit > Taylers dinner (dylan and the og homies know it) >>>>>>>>>>>> DEM

but yeah this game has made me happy because everyone is nice except dem but its been hard to play it because if i felt better i think i would of been playing a 100x times better game

JEV

So I'm safe but it comes at the cost of one of my two favourite people in this game. I've arguably grown closest to Josh C throughout this game, but I promised Joshua that if he saved me with veto I'd vote however he wanted and he wants Josh C to leave over Kiki. This week is me and Nash as final noms levels of ugly.

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szNaW65lCJ0&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=8&t=0s

#bbnetflix st

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pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie

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empat-mcchicken · 6 years

Text

21 2dae HB

Happy 21st Birthday.

21 years to this day, one of the most important people in my life was born. I've been thinking about this day for so many years now, yet i never thought the way id be reminising about the past for stories and photos to show for this day, would pan out the way it has and is. When you meet someone, you never really know how much of an impact they will have on your life until it gets quite a while into the lifespan on the relationship. Looking back now, i wish i had taken more care and more thought into my relationship with you because now im left wondering if ill ever find so much happiness and so much comfort in someone else, and i honestly dont think i will, not to that level. The reason we became friends in the first place was because you sought help for problems you were facing, i dont even know why it was me you came to but im glad you did because it sparked something and that spark lit a fire that would burn strong for the next 7 years. Its now pushing 9 years since we met, meaning 2 years of that 9 the fire has been teetering on the edge of being put out. But considering the reason im even writing this in the first place, lets try stay away from the negatives, at least for a little while. Theres actually so much happiness that comes from thinking back to year 7 and forward to year 12, so many jokes that literally arent funny at all that only we would laugh and hysterically and get, constantly taking the piss out of each other and loving every second of it, while staying true to each other and making sure we always stayed true to ourselves in the process. Every day the memories we have flow through my mind and always leave me with a stupid ass smile on my face about little shit that we'd encounter and just find hilarious, the list is endless. Something that i respect and cherish so much is how raw everything we ever did and said to each other was, we knew that what we were saying was always going to be 100% for the benefit of the other person (in our eyes) and because of that we trusted each other so fucking much, i honestly, and still do this day, would trust no one other than my own family as much as i trust you with my life. I miss that. Something i also respect so much in you is how hard you had it through all these years with family, but still came out as strong and level headed as you are, i honestly dont know how the fuck you did it but truely i respect it so much and look up to you in that aspect daily, i know for a fact that the pressure you had on your shoulders for the longest time would be enough to make the strongest of people crumble, and although it was looking bleak sometimes, i was always there for you and you always came through, and that in itself is amazing and something that i will always aspire to be like. For the longest time you were the person that i always would look to, literally the only person, i had a rough couple of years where people i thought were friends were not, and as someone who gives alot of time and attention into friendships, that stage cut me pretty deep. But, through it all, you were there, you were the one i could talk to for hours about nothing and everything, absolutely no judgement was ever cast from you unless i asked for it. I owe you so much for that. You made me appreciate a good friend so much more, and now i have such a great group of people around me because of that, because i model my actions toward them around how you would act to me, and i really am proud to say that. You might not even agree with that but trust me in what i say. When you watch movies about relationships, you never really believe that any of them hold any truth to their story lines, the typical, boy meets girl, they become friends, then this big cluster fuck happens where one likes the other but the other doesnt know/doesnt hold the same feelings, blah blah blah tears are shed. I for one never believed them to be true.. but low and be-fucking-hold, i must be a famous actor :^)))) because it happened, and it happened to us. Im not going to go into too much detail about this because we've literally spielled months worth of emotions, regrets, confessions etc. to each other, and i dont want this to become one of those convo's again. so ill try keep this Dan Geiberas (short and sweet) (probs spelt his last name wrong) (shit joke)

Soul mates is the best way to put this into words, something that i never thought would ever occur between someone who i regarded as my bestest of friends, but as you know quite well, as smart as i can portray myself, im pretty fucking dumb. Emotion was never something i could show well, and because of this the rawness, the truth, the absolute purity of the emotion i have toward you, became so hard to comprehend and to display, that i pretty much didnt show a drop of it until that one specific night that we went out, you came back and we led next to each other. Nothing else at all happened, which is how i know the emotions were true. literally just led there. and i felt like i could spend the rest of my life with you at my side. But it was too late. I dont like the way people speak of others like, "i can see our future together clear as day", because when i thought of my future with you, i dont seewhere we would go, or what we would do, but i see you right there, next to me, making the absolute fucking most of every second we have. I crave that emotional connection with you. I crave everything about you. we'd be the sort of couple to go on a dinner date, have a fake ring in a box, do a fake proposal just to get a free meal from the venue and to have everyone clap and cheer for us. Cos we are the best, why the fuck shouldnt we be the centre piece of everyones night. We would fulfill each any every one of our desires and wants, sexually, mentally, physically. The times we shared as FWB will stick with me forever because in the times we werent arguing, i was so happy and enjoyed every single second of it all. Definitely one thing that i think about the most, not even for the sexual aspect of it, but for the aspect of it that if we had continued, we might've just fallen in love together at the same time.

Im so proud of you and everything you have become, and im so happy for you making big moves in your life, becoming so mature and being such a good friend to everyone and an amazing girlfriend to someone who treats you in the exact way that you should be, the way i would treat you. I know he loves you so much and i know he will lead you in the right direction and keep you on that path, im so happy for you because of this. Theres SO much more i could have written but alot of is has either been said, is too personal, or my hands are cramping. :-D

Happy 21st Birthday. Have 2 cruisers for me, pls I can also see you analyzing all my spelling mistakes and thinking of sending the exact spelling back to me to ensure i know i fucked up, the classic

Much love. x

#truth

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paleconda · 5 years

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blog- 9th february.

i- as an american doing pretty damn well job of pulling off as british- do not like to do american-like things. such having having wet and cringe humour, being unnecessarily loud, being blatantly ignorant on world culture/affairs (no offence), and especially opening myself up. one thing i’ve noticed is that brits always keep to themselves and rarely discuss thier deep feelings and thoughts with other people. they’re not very open to tel you their life story, and i’m the same way.not to say that i’m not down to earth, bc i very much am. i just stay quaint when it comes to public situations. that being said, my journey and story on my sexuality is very personal, deep and complicated, and unfortunately, i feel like i have to go into massive detail on what’s all happened and how it’s impacted me. it’ll make me vulnerable, but easier to understand and empathise with. this is going to be a particularly long read tho.

the date is 07/07/2010. it was the summer before the 7th grade and i had just realised my sexuality only a few months earlier. the worst night of my life. the night my parents found out about my sexuality. i was only 12. but the way the found out was rather quite stupid and embarrassing (no i wasn’t wanking and it wasn’t porn). at the time, i didn't have a phone. and my favourite show would come on at 1 am. but i didn't feel like staying up late, so what i did was borrow my grandmas phone and set an alarm. well in the alarm it had an option for a message. well my dumbass self put “get the hell up you bisexual fucker”. yeah. well, when my grandma went to puerto rico for a funeral, she left her phone bc she wouldn’t have any service over there. and i had forgotten to take off that alarm. so my mom is just going thru the phone (idk why) and she happens to come across it. she calls me downstairs and confronts me about it. after about 10 minutes what seems like an interrogation ( and me not talking, i felt as tho i had no choice but to admit it). they started crying and told me how its never okay even if the world says it is, and they brought up sodom and gomorrah and told me i needed to have a long prayer. my relationship with them hasn't never really been the same since then. so after that, i kinda ignored thinking about my sexuality. i would just go thru my day, occasionally look at gay pictures at night, then go to sleep. then, toward the end of 7th grade, i ended up taking nudes and sending them on http://showyourdick.com (terrible, i know) and they. ended. up. seeing. the. pics. it made things a shit tonne worse. i was still closeted at school, i had been accused of being gay as early as 4th grade, before i even knew i was gay (im actually bi/pan, but lets just use the word gay for now). fast foward to the beginning of 9th grade (late 2012). i had already been stanning nicki for almost a year, but i was still closeted. i also had a tumblr account(not this one). not only did i still kinda feel bad about being gay, but i was terribly insecure as well. i ended up starting to cut myself around late September. but for a while it was only on my thighs bc i didnt want anyone to see. later, in january 2013, i was feeling really depressed one night, and i kinda went on a cutting tirade. (trigger warning) i even cut my arm. i remember feeling the warm blood running down my leg and feeling dizzy, with my ears fogging up and nearly passing out in the bathroom. this next part may sound wierd. maybe its just me, maybe it was the fogging in my ears, idk. but i remember hearing nickis voice, almost aloud, and she said Stop. crazy init. the next morning, i got really scared, bc my sleeve wouldn't completely cover up the scars. well, one of my teachers saw (i still dont know who) and reported it to the office, and one of the guidance counselors called my parents and told them. another really bad day. the next day, my guidance counselor called me down, even the principle came in the room. they told me they were sending me to a place where i would have therapy. i agreed to it, but i wasnt aware that i would be forced to spend 3 nights there. its called being Baker Acted. the deputy at my school called my mom and told her where they were taking me but they didn't tell her i was required by law to spend 72 consecutive hours there. so when she came to pick me up that night, thats when she found out. needless to say she was crying. alot. and as if it wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be her wedding anniversary. i end up relapsing 2 more times after that whole ordeal. the last time was march 9th, 2013. so things temporarily improve for the summer. i ended up (finally) coming out to my closest friends. but i never made a big deal out of it. like i never made a big post on facebook or IG or anything. I kinda just let people figure it out and have their own assumptions. so september rolls around and i end up getting depressed again (september is always a bad month for me) but i promised myself i wouldnt cut myself again. so i end up overdosing. alot. 7 pills at a time. (it was just vyvanse tho, its not like it was percs or oxycodone.) so my parents went thru my texts and they found out about what i was doing and thats when the trust begins to deterioate again. they would always take away my phone at night. they said its bc of some report they saw on the news where having your phone in your room while your sleeping is unhealthy (which.. they were right. but it’s ovbious that wasn’t the real reason they took it.) it was bloody annoying. but back then, they would only take it on school nights, and sometimes i would sneak it back, and although they got mad, they wouldn't really do anything about it. also, as you could’ve probably guessed, i had downloaded a couple of gay apps because i was curious. the first time i downloaded grindr, i was in the 8th grade. and it wasn't the only app i would download. there was also hornet and jack’d. well, theres this one guy who i ended up talking to. and i end up sending nudes to him on kik. and my parents end up going through my kik. this was in december 2013. my horny self was just tryna hookup. welp. they see the messages. things go downfuckinghill fast. they barge into my room, one second they're yelling at me shoving the screen in my face and then the next thing I know my dad is shoves me down and kicks me multiple times, and my mom ends up calling the police and filing a report. to say it was traumatising is an understatement. but because it's kik, theres not much they can do. this renders me phoneless all the way until june of 2015. and at this point i wanna take a little bit of a detour. bc i almost feel as though my life as a normal teenager has been robbed.

some of you may ask why i didn’t move in with relatives or just file a report to social services.

they wouldn't let me. and bc they're broke and aren't good at finances, that's what they (we’re) doing anyway. my family is living with my grandparents for like the 4th time since i was born. so they change the password in my phone and im only allowed to use it when they say (this is february 2014, roughly) and i have to be in the same room as them. and then in march, something goes wrong with my phone and it wont read the SIM card. so now i can't even call or text. things just didn’t get better that year. its summer 2014, and now they suddenly change the password to my laptop. (they still won't tell me the password). i started crying and begged them to change it back. so they did. but just a month later, on July 11th, they change it. and its stayed that way. so now its june of 2015. they buy me a new phone, but they said there are "rules for having the phone" and they take it away every night. well, in november, i had downloaded grindr. theres this feature on my phone where i can hide an app, but one day, back in november, i forgot to hide the app. so they saw it. and they didn't even open the app (it was password locked) and i refused to give them the password. so now im phoneless.... again. and this time they wouldn't even let me use it... at all. so i went back to having to use my grandmas phone and computer to log onto Twitter. for the longest time, i could only be on twitter from 4-8pm on weekdays bc thats whenever i had access. fast foward to april 2016 and im taking a college class across town. all of a sudden, my mom hands me my phone, and im shocked. she says im only having it on a "limited basis". so for about a month, im only allowed to use it outside the house, but they eventually let up. every once in a while, we still get into an argument about it. may 2016: its time for me to choose what college to go to. my mom had made me apply to a christian university about 30 miles away. i didnt wanna go, but the other college i had been looking at had ran into financial trouble, the big public university in my city didn't accept me, and i didn't wanna go to a community college. plus, the christian university (southeastern University) offered me a bunch of money in scholarships. and i honestly felt forced to go. by august of 2016, things start to drastically change. most of it is in a good way, but there are still some things that are... iffy, for lack of a better term. i’m beginning to lose weight and my grades are actually good for once, but my phone is still taken way at night all the way to december, when they finally stop. then in january 2017, i am finally able to buy an iphone. at this point, everything sort of catches up to the previous post. there’s still loads for me to explain but this is enough for now.

on a side note, it’s amazing how different things are for me now after looking back at all that. i still can’t believe that we are in 2019 and that i graduated high school nearly 3 years ago. i’m gobsmacked at how much i have changed since then. it’s a lot to ponder on. and i’m glad to say that i’m currently at the happiest place i’ve been in for years. maybe ever.

end.

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