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usaigi · 2 years

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Marc, Jake & Steven

Lunar sys au character cards | Read all chapters on ao3

Continuation of Birdy calling their dad, Marc finds out

CW: referencing past suicide attempts and past suicide idealization (does not go into detail), discussing mental illness, joking about mental illness

Birdy Spector Tuesday – 3:12 PM

Attachment: Fullhouse-Only-It’s-In-My-Head.ppt Lunar-sys.docx image_642.jpeg

I made the powerpoint when we first started seeing our therapist but some of the information has changed. At the time, I only knew about Marc, Steven, Jake, and myself.

Steven and I made another document with some info about the others

I know SMJ made another document that’s like a history/timeline of everything we’ve been through but they won’t show it to me 😒

Which is bs because I literally have all the trauma for trying to unalive ourselves but they think I can’t handle it

Elias Spector – Tuesday 5:26 PM

Thanks. Is it ok if I show this to my therapist? Also, I finished reading two books you recommended, we can talk about it next time you can call.

The cat is very cute.

Sorry to ask but

Since leaving home

Did you attempt again?

Birdy Spector – Wednesday 11:32 AM

Yeah, that's fine

Not me, just Marc I think. He’s doing better though.

Probably lol

Jake’s really good at keeping us safe

He;s funny, Jake made him a jar and now Marc has to drop a dollar every time he makes a joke about dying lmao

Also whenever Daniela is mean

or anyone says someone mean about themselves

Although

It’s less funny when he makes me do it 😒

Elias Spector – Wednesday 12:57 PM

I’m just glad you’ll are safe now

I understand you dislike labels but just for my comprehension, is it safe to say that you didn’t have BPD and/or Bipolar disorder? Was it just different alters fronting?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:46 PM

Not sure 🤷🏼

What gets confusing is that while yes we are separate alters and all but we do all share the same brain, body, hormones, etc. And even when we’re not fronting/co-con, we can still have influence

So its hard to tell if we are acting a certain way because of another disorder or if its related to DID

Steven and I were reading about how childhood trauma shapes dna, brain development, how bodies react, etc it’s wild ngl

Maybe depression with mixed features? We’re testing out some new mood stabilizers to see if they help. Not everyone is good at logging the effects/side effects Steven and I are the only ones that are super consistent but I don’t actually front that often. It’s sooo exhausting trying to get everyone on the same page 😩

And it’s not that I don’t like labels, I justthink it was super frustrating how doctors would keep throwing whatever label at us and just hoped it’d stick

I felt like I was hoarding mental illnesses lmao like damn lunar sys leave some for everyone else

U know anyone who wants some? Currently got a buy one get one free special lmao

Elias Spector - Wednesday 4:48 PM

I imagine that’s difficult. How have you been doing otherwise?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:50 PM

I joined Steven and Marc for some sessions this week. Three times a week is too much. since I was there we talked about the stuff that happened when we were younger. Jake was also there, but he only watched

EMDR is terrible, I hate it so much

But…

It’s easier to open up to the psychologist after talking to you about it first

But I’ve been fighting with Marc less so that’s probably good. Although he still won’t tell me about what he remembers and he even forbid Steven from telling me too. Jake has always been weird about it and Daniela is still pretty scary

Can you please tell me?

Elias Spector - Wednesday 5:05 PM

Be patient with Marc. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, I think it’s best if you talk to the others about it.

Marc isn’t scooping, he’s totally fine with his alters having boundaries and privacy. He just happened to come across Birdy’s email account–which she stayed signed into–and stumbled across a chat thread with who else but Elias Spector.

His vision turns red, scrolling through dozens and dozens of messages, images, and call receipts. The earliest message is dated just over 6 weeks ago, although the first couple of messages imply that they were already in contact before then.

‘Steven. Steven! Steven!!’ Marc yells out internally, hoping to wake Steven up from wherever he is in the inner world.

‘What?’ He says grouchily, slowly stepping towards the front.

‘Look at this shit. What the hell was she thinking? Did you know she was in contact with our dad?’ Marc says as Steven takes control of the body to look at the screen.

‘Marc, you need to calm down,’ Steven says, still working his way through all the messages, he can feel Marc in the headspace making trenches from pacing around so much.

‘How dare you tell me to calm down? I can’t even trust my own fucking alters to not go behind my back. This is fucking Khonshu all over again!’

‘What’s going on, are you doing something dumb?’ Jake jumps in, suddenly appearing in the front conference room, as if he appearing out of thin air. He must have sensed their stress level rise.

‘Respectfully Jake, go fuck yourself. This isn’t about you.’ Marc snaps back, irritated he had the nerve to stick his head into this.

‘It looks like Birdy has been a messaging dad. Talking on the phone too, I think.’ Steven tells him, essentially ignoring all of Marc’s wishes.

‘She what? ’ Jake asks in disbelief, getting closer to the front to get a better look at the messages in question.

‘That sneaky little bra–’

‘Marc, stop it. I’m mad too but I won’t let you talk about her that way.’ Jake interrupts him in his tracks.

‘Oh of course you’re on her side. She’s always hiding behind you. And we all know you’re an expert at making decisions behind our backs, aren’t you? Tell me, what other secrets have you been hiding from us? Was it actually you that got me kicked out of the military?’ Marc rages with an exasperated outrage, arms wrapped around himself, taking careful steps backwards. Keeping his back against the wall.

Jakes glares at Marc over that comment, standing his ground, he shouts back, ‘Ok fine! Maybe this is my fault! Sorry I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth about our childhood! You don’t think it hurt me when she talked about how nice and protective her dad was when my dad failed us?’

‘Maybe we all need to take some deep breaths, yeah? I can make us a cuppa–’

‘Steven, your endless optimism and desire to make everything ok is exhausting sometimes. Can you please just shut it?’ Marc says, in a low bitter voice.

In response, Steven shut the laptop close, dropping his head to his hands, ‘Fine! Then I guess I won’t share what I think!’

‘What do you think?’ Jake asks with a heavy sigh.

‘Maybe… we should reach out to dad, it’s obviously helping Birdy. Looking over at his messages he seems accepting. And it looks like he’s in therapy too.’

Marc's knees buckle as his breathing rises, ‘I can’t believe this. Steven, what happened to system cooperation? I can’t believe you’re siding with her.’

‘I’m not siding with anyone.’ Steven replies calmly.

‘Marc, stop it. You’re acting like our mother.’ Jake states sharply and it hits Marc like an asteroid. Marc's mouth opens in shock, his eyes glare, almost as if he's going to attack back but he doesn't. His eyes, rapidly flashing from betrayal to anger to disgust to shame to fear. He slides down to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knee, dropping his forehead onto his forearms.

Even Steven tenses up at that comment.

Exhausted, Jake pulls out his chair from the crescent conference table, pulls out a cigarette from his jacket, and places it between his lips. This is all fake– all of this is happening inside their head, but somehow, the smell of tobacco fills the body’s nostrils.

Jake lets Marc recollect himself for a bit before saying, ‘There are no sides, we are a system. If you yell at her, all the work we’ve done to get her to open up will be for nothing. Tell me, who does Birdy remind you of?’ Jake asks in a stern but calm voice. When Marc doesn’t reply, he says, ‘She acts like we did at that age. Time has always been fuzzy for me but I remember feeling like I had no control over anything. Like adults were quick to dismiss all my problems. I’m guilty of this shit too, I’ve fed into her delusions about how great our dad was and how our mom was too sick to visit her in the hospital. I kept telling myself I was protecting her innocence but maybe I fucked up.

‘I still do that shit with Kid. I know he’s confused but I can’t explain it to him. Maybe I am protecting him, or maybe I’m just trying to protect myself.’

The three of them let words seep, processing Jake's words and the situation. It feels like all the hard work that Marc has done to try to heal, not just suppress, has been for nothing, he still felt like a scared child, abandoned by his parents.

‘Maybe...' Steven says, once some of the initial tension calms down, 'we should think about how our alter didn’t feel comfortable talking to us first before sneaking off to talk to dad. Be honest Marc, how would you have reacted if she asked you for permission?’

‘I would have blown her off…’ Marc mumbles, still hiding his face in shame.

‘Yeah, and I wouldn’t have been any better…’ Jake sighs.

‘Steven, I know you want to talk to dad, I know you don’t see him like I do. But his…indifference almost killed us,’ Marc says softly.

Steven pauses, before warily saying, ‘I think… there’s no growth living in the past and maybe… closure would be good for us.’

#moon knight #moon knight fanfic #marc spector #steven grant #jake lockley #mk lunar sys #layla el faouly #moonscarab #lunar sys & dad arc

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falloutboywife · 3 years

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i want to start this off by saying i am infintitely grateful for all the support i've gotten while i was away, and i cannot express enough how much it means to me to know i have so much support during such a frustrating part of my life, even if i'm only showing you guys one part of it. i cannot tell you enough how thankful i am, and i'm going to respond to as many messages as i can tomorrow because this has taken a lot of time and energy for me to write and piece together emotionally

i definitely think the other week when i made that lengthy post about my identity and my place in online spaces may have been a bit of an overreaction, however while i've had some time to think about it on my own i think that just avoiding tumblr outright is causing me to become pretty insular in how i'm perceiving the entire situation, which isn't made any easier for me considering when i ask my friends who've been seeing it unfold what their opinions on it are, their responses have been pretty mixed.

as a whole, i think that being in online fandoms, as an outspoken artist (outspoken in this sense meaning redacted and fat kid fuckery, both shameful and heretical topics few dare to mention), tends to inflate my ego in a way i don't really find desirable. meaning people who are super kind and friendly towards me and who give me a lot of positive attention, while reassuring and definitely welcomed, tends to lean into people admiring me for reasons i don't really understand, and this can also end up trapping me into a certain role to fulfill in a community because of the kind of attention i tend to reward and validate, i.e. fat kid fuckery in my dms, which leads to the expectation of me being this sort of bastion of hornyposting where all evil (affectionate) thoughts are encouraged and endorsed.

on the other end of the spectrum, and if you know what i'm talking about then you know, i tend to attract a lot of negativity from people i've never interacted with or had any intention of interacting with, and this has been an issue for me pretty much the entire time i've used social media (me adding hornyposting as a facet to my personality is really recent, like i only started doing this late 2017 and i'm really tired of it by now but. again. it's what people expect of me, more on that later), and i'm not entirely sure how to make it stop. granted, when i was a lot younger, i was genuinely an asshole, but i want to stress a very important thing i think very few of my followers on here are aware of

i'm 28 and only just now aware of the fact that i'm autistic, and i was misdiagnosed with bipolar when i was 13 and because none of the treatment or therapy worked, i always thought there was something really wrong with me, so i couldn't actually learn how to cope with a lot of my problems in a productive way until recently. so yeah, i was a jackass when i was younger, and i can be a jackass in private sometimes when i'm under a lot of stress, but having this realization about myself is really helping me a lot on its own

and being autistic, people can think i'm annoying or obnoxious or irritating and that, juxtaposed with content or opinions they might personally disagree with, can make people very angry just inherently. i've spoken with my friends about how i can't seem to shake off any drama that i really, really have nothing to do with or any interest in, and the only ones who could really relate were other autistic people. my own friend actually told me that she thinks this is something i'm just going to have to struggle with my entire life, because even if it's not being horny or advocating for sexual positivty, i'm ALWAYS doing something that will piss someone off

(quick disclaimer: i know some of you are probably going to try to engage in bad faith arguments with me saying that i'm calling all my haters ableist, and if anyone tries to insinuate that this is the conclusion i'm coming to, i'm not only ignoring your ask but blocking you as well. i'm also not answering any asks trying to insinuate that i "need help" simply because of the type of fiction i enjoy, when the issue was HOW i was engaging with it, which i think i have made exceedingly clear.)

i think it's funny that me clearly being into waycest and clearly being into babystump is lost on people to the point where they feel they need to make callout posts "warning" people about the fact that i'm...openly and unabashedly interested in this shit, but the very second i say "actually i'm asexual but i'm glad you guys are so sexually open about yourselves and your interests" i lost more followers than any active campaign trying to cancel me, which is exactly what i fucking mean when i say this is what people expect of me

so i can't really make anyone happy in the current environment i've curated for myself because it is expected of me to maintain this personality and continue engaging in this nature of content regardless of my own personal feelings on the matter, because if i want to break free from it then i risk pissing people off. i also can't just act how i want or make the kind of jokes that i want or enjoy the kind of things i want anyway because simply by having a mental disability that effects how i engage with people socially, i am risking ostracizing myself by pissing the wrong people off and ultimately making things a lot worse than they otherwise would be

however. However. even if this is exactly how i feel, this isn't entirely a situation that is exclusive to this current blog, and when i said in the beginning i was taking this too seriously, i still mean that, and i think that my own personal problems with being in online fandoms stem from external factors that have nothing to do with this website. i'm almost 30 and a lot of my life this past decade has been very stagnant due to severe depression, with no real progress towards furthering my life in any meaningful way, and i think that what i was really frustrated with when i made that post was this very factor. in conjunction with this, i use online spaces a way to try to find an open and accepting community of people i can befriend and be myself in, because my undiagnosed autism has historically made it difficult for me to really socialize with people in a productive way that didn't make me feel like an outcast. i think a combination of the fact that online spaces are becoming increasingly more difficult for me to adapt to, as well as incresingly unfulfilling, adding to the lack of fulfillment in the rest of my life, was the subconscious realization i came to when i decided to make that post and take a break from tumblr for a bit. i'm frustrated that i have no fulfillment in my life, and i can no longer find it in online spaces that i used to enjoy and find so much meaning in

this being said, i'm actually doing shit with my life at long last. i'm enrolled in classes for an english degree, and i'm going to subsequently get an associates in creative writing that i'll be able to complete in a single semester after the fact, leaving me with two whole degrees under my belt that i can use in developing my future in the literary world. i'm taking my art more seriously as well, although i only post my bandom and lotr drawings on here, and i'm thinking of making an instagram account to start posting my art on there as well, as a sort of portfolio. i'm sick of this ongoing feeling of there being no meaning in my life, and i'm sick of feeling like i'm just wasting away and putting my mind to no use, and the immense joy i got just from seeing my class schedule for the fall semester made me realize that i am an intellectual, i'm an academic, and i'm in love with media and literary studies and this is what i find meaning in. this shit makes me so fucking happy and when i finished the picture of dorian gray the other day i IMMEDIATELY went on a tirade about its themes and symbolism just to myself and that, alone, was so fucking rewarding. i've been watching movies with my friend sweaterangst and just describing the themes of the horror used in the fucking texas chainsaw massacre movies made me feel so fulfilled even if he might have barely been listening LMAO i find meaning in seeking out complex and thought-provoking pieces of work and i

absolutely

am not getting that being on tumblr and talking about how i'm gonna let the fat kid deepfry me at the state fair (affectionate) (delusional) (severe)

with that being said, yes, i'm still asexual and i don't get fulfillment from purely sexual discussion, but i think i'm still gonna be answering asks about the sexy stuff so long as i find it engaging to a degree. i'm gonna start trying to use the guys you say as creative writing exercises because in the beginning that's what the fucking smut started as LMAO but i lost the plot a while ago and just let myself stagnate, like i said. i'm still gonna blog about bandom stuff but now that i have no reason to treat social media like it's all i have, and now that i'm breaking out of my depressed state in more meaningful ways, i think i'm gonna start blogging about a lot more things too and try to start having fun on this site again.

five nights at fat kid's is back, baby

#long post /

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erikthedead · 3 years

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entry #4

Started reading FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY’s ‘Notes from the Underground,’ and I just got into the second half of him rambling and reflecting on his behaviour in detail. I never would have thought a Russian man from the 19th century would make me feel a little bit less alone in this world (or at least the ‘character’ delivering the narrative). Yet the more I read about what goes on in peoples’ heads the less insane I feel, or at least comforted by realising that everyone is a little bit insane, as long as they’re being honest. Should that be comforting? I feel like that should actually be disturbing, but I kinda like being disturbed. The bit that struck me to get writing about myself was how he recurringly mentions this need to be seen and heard and be a noble member of society, but flip flops between that and a state of isolating himself and being a recluse, ashamed by how his own face looks. I hope I’m interpreting it right, as I’m not so sure I’m smart enough to fully understand everything the man was trying to convey. The whole thing reads as him trying to make sense of himself, if anything. But if I am right in that, I can totally relate, and it causes me much distress as it seemed to have tormented him too. His way was to throw himself into busy streets and bars, never feeling comfortable with it from what I’ve read, and possibly did it on purpose to feel uncomfortable, because he was getting bored with the current discomfort of isolating himself in his room with his books. That’s the interesting thing about it, he never once says he ‘leaves the comfort’ of his own home, like you’ll hear many well-adjusted introverts say. People who are content on their own. He obviously wasn’t content, he was bored, sick of his own brain, he tells us how he would break down into tearful fits from some sort of mental anguish that he tried to escape from through consumption of literature. I do exactly the same thing with media of all kinds, not because I ENJOY spending time with myself and my things, but because it helps me COPE with it. I am so envious of consistently introverted people who relish in their alone time. That SHOULD BE ME. All the same, it annoys me to death when someone complains about being ‘stuck in the house’ all day when they want to go out and mingle and see the world, because that is too exhausting a thing to wish for compared to creature comforts and solitude, surely. Both of them irritate me because I’m jealous of their seemingly consistent understanding of themselves, their desires and what makes them content on a regular, general basis. I’ve been trying to hard to figure out my own. I’m twenty-six now, yet I still feel juvenile as hell. I still feel like a child that goes up to the next thing that catches its eye and wants to ask, ‘can I have a go?’ And of course, to an innocent child, you let them have a go, without any expectations. You don’t get that luxury as an adult. You are expected to choose, commit, KNOW what you want. But again, I can’t help but think this isn’t me being special, that everyone probably feels this way, you certainly hear it from a lot of old people who humbly state that they are still always learning and discovering new things. Then again maybe they miss the point. Discovering things is fine, all the time. Learning is appreciated and encouraged. But actually changing or choosing not to change (both can be bad, right?), that is unsettling. We’ve given up good and evil for behaviourism and yet still people like me, Fyodor and to name a few other people I relate to when I read their autobiographies, Russell Brand, Stephen Fry, Steve-O (oh yes I compare myself to the greats, in all my unheard mighty feats), people like us can’t even get that right. Creative, expressive, bipolar people. People with big heads and sensitive souls, I’d say. Although I connect deeply to people like this I’d never want to be around them for too long. I know their torment and quite frankly my own is enough to contend with. There is a feeling of ‘pay attention to me but leave me alone.’ ‘Love me more than anything but don’t care too much about me because I’m bound to hurt you or make a fool of myself.’ Actually, in Notes from the Underground, Fyodor talks about man’s unconscious desire to smash up something he has been building, because he is unconsciously terrified of what to do what he has completed it, and Brand actually mentions this quite a bit in his Bookywooks. How he’d personally reach a level of fame and notoriety but then sabotage it, fearing the peak or what comes after – the come down. I hope I’ve interpreted these guys correctly, because it does make sense to me. The only thing that really sets me aside from these guys is my utter lack of ambition. At least in these peoples’ hypomanic states they were achieving something. What do I do? I’m the classic, slightly mentally ill underachiever that never sticks to anything. The sheer magnitude of my unconscientiousness could be used as an example of how not to be during a Jordan Peterson lecture. My downfalls were not self-sabotages, conscious or unconscious for the first half of my life. The rest you can blame on me, that’s fair enough, but puberty hit me early and like a train, and all that meant was I was spotty and got a bullied a bit, but that didn’t excuse me from performing well in my exams and essays. I was predicted to come out with some of the top grades in the whole school. I even started finding my confidence and standing up for myself to bullies after a few years adjusting to adolescence. Then my mother died suddenly one night from an overdose when I was fourteen, and my whole world flipped upside down. Like an anime main character backstory right there. It wasn’t perfect beforehand, anyone who knows my whole childhood situation will agree, but I had a bloody good chance up until she died. After that, I became nihilistic, rebellious, promiscuous and generally self-destructive. ‘How would your mother feel if she could see you now? She wouldn’t have wanted this.’ Oh how I wish I slapped anyone that said this to me. How dare they even try to assume what she would have wanted, having never known her. Of course, I said it to myself all the time, I still do sometimes, but I have that right. The rest of you don’t. Hah, rights. What a joke, even as I try to be dominant through typing to imaginary figments of the past and the future, I’m not even convincing myself.

The inconsistency, of my desires, my attitudes, my cognitions, my emotions and ultimately my behaviour is what pains me. I would rather be a complete abolition that was sure in himself than be like this. What’s even more frustrating is that it’s not that uncommon for people to be like me in that sense, but they just go with the flow with it, seemingly unaware of their inconsistency, and become incredibly defensive when you point it out. It’s understandable, I get defensive with myself, which could be an early sign of schizophrenia, who knows, time will tell. At the moment though I am without doubt an anxious, depressive, inconsistent muddled mess of a person, and even the HOPE for my future self comes and goes in powerful forms. I have the grandiose fantasies of being interviewed by people because I’m just that interesting and my achievements are that remarkable, and I also have the sheer terror while preparing to talk to the shop assistant when I’m buying something. Oh yeah, buying things, that’s a tricky one for me an’ all! The trick with me is not to give me too much choice, because if I have I will never decide, or I will make a silly last minute decision or pick the third thing after debating with myself for ten minutes between choosing from the first and the second. Not only indecisiveness, but impulsiveness plagues me. Not just buying things I don’t need, or don’t even want yet because I haven’t finished the last thing, but even charitably so. I saw a stranger E-begging by chance and decided to send him money. I have no idea why. Am I just a good person? I don’t have enough money for myself, and even if I do have some to spare, that should go to others who have helped me financially before a stranger on the internet. Maybe I’m not a good person, and I just did it to cleanse myself of some feeling of shame or guilt for wasting money on myself. As well as the positive fantasies of my future where I am destined to greatness through nothing other than my own conviction and virtues, I have the other vision in the crystal ball that shows myself destitute and addicted to hard drugs, homeless or institutionalised, ultimately suicided. Addiction and suicide run through my veins afterall, and I’ve been close to becoming the 3rd generation of my bloodline to go out by my own hand. The decently sized scar on my arm from a self-inflicted slash that was intended for my neck, that nearly severed my nerves and would have left me with a malfunctioning left hand had I gone any deeper. Sometimes I look at it and feel ashamed for doing it, for trying to throw away my beautiful, special life, and other times I look at it and feel ashamed for missing my real target, my consciousness. I battle with my consciousness a lot, I try to minimise it through drink and drugs or healthy mental exercises, distract it with my media, sublimate it through writing and drawing, but rarely do I get peace from it. Then other times, I count my blessings and praise the universe for bestowing onto me just the ability to think and feel and be a person. Neither approach to life is crazy to me, what’s crazy to me is not being able to bloody pick one and settle on it for more than a couple of days at a time. Like Fyodor describes his character going out into a busy bustling area in his urges to be part of society after a stint of isolation, I will go out some weekends and do the same, but that’s only a more recent, probably more healthy advance in my development than what I have been doing for a long time which is going online to provoke and debate people with my thoughts and opinions, and sometimes cheeky insults. I really resent when people who know me call it ‘trolling’ when I go off on these episodes. Trolling to me is when you put something out there that you don’t actually stand by, but you know will get a reaction out of people because you’re bored and want to mess with people. Now fair enough, there’s a lot to be said for that last part, but I have no reason to say things I don’t really think/feel/believe when the things I say genuinely are enough to upset people on their own, things I sincerely believe are correct. I’ll feel ever so right and convicted during these online tirades, then the next day want to delete all my social media and wipe my name from the planetary database. Perhaps I could just delete my existence while I’m at it. Seems like my self-doubt and my self-assuredness play equal part in my misery, because like everything else, I can’t choose one. The same happens if I go out and meet new people on the weekend, I’ll exchange numbers and add people with all intention of meeting up in the future, only to ghost them afterwards. I don’t know why.

#rambling #4 #entry #entry 4 #four

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phonaesthemes · 4 years

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a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance? (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

#personal #long post #in which i ramble about myself a great deal #@padawanyugi

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wontonsupremacy · 4 years

Text

Living with your mom is like:

Living with your mom is like living with a roommate that has every right to boss you around and maintain rules around you for most people.

Living with my mom though is like living with a roommate that doesn’t respect boundaries because she used to do all the groceries and what’s the matter if she uses all your baby carrots that you buy, or the American cheese she’s never bought before because she doesn’t care for cheese or washing your clothes the day of your job when you need your clothes, but she doesn’t understand that this is why I want to wash my own clothes now. Sharing a car? That’s even worse. Every time your work schedule won’t work with hers, she’s the one that “gets left behind” and she’s the one who doesn’t give you any information but expects you to be able to show up and provide.

We’re a single parent household, and it’s always been me as the oldest to do everything with her. My younger brother doesn’t cooperate with family things, but he stays out of trouble and has his own shit together. My mom though just won’t take any initiative to do things on her own. While I have a limited ability to be responsible because I’m manic adhd and bipolar and depressed a lot of things can go wrong with this kind of schedule. It’s often than nothing goes right, and literally I have to hear an earful when really she did help me pay for the car but the maintenance, insurance, gas, and everything else at home is literally paid by me as of now.

She keeps saying she “never asked” for me to pay for everything or for anything, and maybe she’s right. But she’s the kind of person who would never turn on the heater in winter because its expensive, no wifi or phone bills because “you don’t need any of those things”, and she will also skip out on important car maintenance because “it’s not really necessary and the car will run”.

She is the person who will repeatedly tell you that you’re a good kid but that you’re never good enough that you’re fat and she doesn’t understand why you’re so fat— meanwhile if you don’t eat what she cooks she’ll get upset and blame you for “eating out” (even if I haven’t?) and shell overcook and overcook that things start piling up in the fridge and start to go bad but she’ll never throw it out because “it’s still edible”. Anytime you DO try to make dietary changes she doesn’t care or listen and will eat your vegetables or smoothie mixes so there’s nothing left for me to replace unhealthy snacks.

She complains when I socialize saying I don’t do anything but play around and honestly I’m sorry but I really need it right now. You make me never want to be home and even when I’m home I’m depressed I cut myself to sleep I drink alchohol to sleep and I smoke cigarettes outside so I can get out of the house. The only socialization I get with you in my house is arguments or financial questioning and so many goddamn questions about who’s driving the car at what time and it’s like living with a coworker you hate and only talking about work. I don’t want to hear her talk anymore sometimes and I don’t want to have to fight a war at home. I think it means a lot for me to be able to connect and call up people outside who are great friends and great times that I can spend away from the stress but sometimes I wonder if there’s really no way to fix and balance out my mother from my stressful life...in which case I’d have to actually move out, and probably move out of town , the city, and cut off all my current friends —-which will definetly hurt me.

As someone who wants to die at age 26, my countdown is down to (apparently) 3 years with my age being 23. (I thought I was still 22 fml). Either way, 3 years may seem short now, but with the dread I carry sometimes it feels like it might be ages. And maybe the first step is to get away from my mother and to let her be alone. I really wonder though, if she’ll be okay alone. And this is one of the reasons I try to tolerate so much but don’t leave her, because after my dad left, who really is there for her at all? Who knows. Maybe she needs to learn being alone sometimes instead of blowing up my phone.

Life sucks guys. But there’s a lot more to it than it just sucking. Is love a form of tolerance? Or a binding by the labels of family and blood line? Or is it just that as humans we emotionally bond with anyone who knows us well enough and we can’t just leave behind the time we’ve spent with them?

Sometimes I feel like I’m becoming abusive like my dad, toward my mom, and sometimes I worry how quickly I have to kill myself before I truly become a hideous human being. But I also realize I can’t and mustn’t be abusive to my mom and respective but it’s so goddamn hard when you shut in so much already and you’ve tried to casually put the complaints out there only to be dismissed and unrecognized.

Even small things like her pursuading me to “detransition”, “dye my hair black again”, or “stop looking so ugly”, builds up to the point that I want to go get hormones ASAP even though I can’t afford it at all.

Am I selfish? Horrible? Or abusive? I’m problematic and I have my own problems to fix, can I, should I, even take the time to fix this with her, or should I actually just see this whole thing as a problem I don’t need and take the risk of moving out of state and living by myself with nofucks to what may happen to the rest of my family?

I hate this. This whole thing. I hate life. I hate me.

#help #hell #wontonsupremacy #events #parents #living with parents #single mother household

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serotonindrip · 5 years

Text

August 22, 2008

A background story that leads to my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. If anyone even stumbles upon this post, there may be triggers in here for some readers. I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors, I am typing this on my phone on my lunch break.

It was a Friday, my second week of my junior year in high school. School was out for the day for a teacher development day. My mother woke me up around 9 o’clock in the morning to show me pictures of my cousin who was born earlier that morning. I gave generic comments you say about new babies and rolled over in the bed, desperate to take advantage of no school. My mom gently shook my shoulder and told me to get up, that she needed to tell me something. I brushed her hand off and tried to focus on falling back asleep. She shook my shoulder again, more forcefully this time. “Please get up.” I heard the crack in her voice and turned over to look at her. I asked her what was wrong. “I’m so sorry,” tears were falling at this point and I started to feel the anxiety build, “Your daddy passed away last night.”

“Your daddy passed away last night.”

The sentence replayed in my head over and over again. I asked my mom, “What? What do you mean?” She repeated the sentence. I remember jumping out of the bed and backing into the wall. “No, no, no, no,” I kept telling her. And as she kept telling me how sorry she was and trying to hold me, the no’s turned into screams. I crumbled to the ground and kept screaming no. I remember my grandmother and cousin rushing into the room and my mother told them what had happened. The voices seemed a hundred miles away.

June 16th, 2008 was the last time I saw my dad. I got mad at him for some reason, a reason I can’t remember. June 17th, 2008, my dad called and wished me a happy birthday and told me he loved me. That was the last time I talked to him. Ten years later, that guilt still eats away at me. He tried to communicate with me, and I always ignored his calls.

My dad was sick. Something my mom constantly told me as a way to get me to talk to him. Looking back, I wish I did. But I was a stupid teenager and didn’t want to hear it. My dad was a functioning alcoholic, he drank his fair share of beer plus more, but was able to hold a job. He got hurt on the job and that’s when his spiral into addiction started. Something I didn’t know at the time. When he passed, I knew he had cirrhosis of the liver and Hepatitis C. At the time of his death, that’s what I believed he had died from. It wasn’t until January 6th, his birthday, of the following year, that I found out he had died of a heroin overdose.

After my dad passed, I went into my first major depressive episode. I pushed all of my friends and family away. I would come home from school and do my homework and then go to bed. I developed bulimia and I started cutting again. Something I had been doing on and off since I was 11. With each week, the cuts got deeper and deeper. No one noticed. I hid them well. After each meal, I would disappear into the bathroom and purge. No one noticed. The purging and cutting felt so good. Because I actually felt something. I was numb for so long after my dad passed away, but every time I would cut into my skin, or shove my finger down my throat, I would feel a sense of relief, even if it only lasted for a few minutes, it felt so damn good to feel something.

It was the worst depression episode I had experienced so far. I had been dealing with depression since I was a small child, but not a single one of those episodes came close to how I felt during this one.

One day the sadness disappeared. Anger took its place. I felt a rage deep down inside of me. I was angry at my dad for leaving me. I was angry at myself for ignoring him. I was angry at my mom for delivering the worst news of my life. I was angry at my family for not understanding how I felt. I was angry at God and began to question his existence. I had anger inside of me for so long that it became the only friend I knew.

It all changed on my dad’s birthday. I skipped school that day so I could go to my dad’s grave and visit for the first time since his passing. I was on Facebook and saw that my older cousin had posted something about my dad. Someone I didn’t know commented on it saying they didn’t know he had passed away and asked what happened. My cousin replied back, “He overdosed in Florida.”

I read it over and over again. I felt something inside of me break. I felt something deep inside of me change. In that moment, I felt so betrayed. It was my dad’s own actions that caused his death and wasn’t able to quite grasp my mind around it yet.

The days following my dad’s birthday, I suddenly had more energy. I was still angry, yes, but for the first time in a long time, I felt good. I started talking to my friends again, going out with them, and I became more reckless. I started stealing money from my family and would buy things I didn’t need or necessarily want. I started driving my car at high speeds for the thrill of it, gaining a couple of speeding tickets while I was it. I felt on top of the world. I didn’t have the need for sleep anymore. I would stay up for days at a time, crash, and repeat. Looking back, this was my first manic episode. I had the textbook symptoms of a manic episode, but I didn’t understand what was actually happening.

The sleep deprivation finally took its toll on me. The more days I went without sleep, the more I would hallucinate. I began hearing these voices. They would tell me things I didn’t want to hear. They picked at everything from my appearance to how my family felt about me. I would try to sleep just so I wouldn’t hear the voices, but they were still there in my nightmares. I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or doing much of anything anymore. The voices started telling me how worthless I was, and how everyone would be better off without me. I started to believe them. So I started to plan my suicide.

I wrote the letter out and shoved it in my backpack. I went downstairs and ate dinner with my family and excused myself to the bathroom afterwards. I threw it up, naturally, and looked through the medicine cabinet. I opened a few bottles and poured them into my hands and then went up to my room and took them.

I don’t exactly remember what I took, it was mainly a mix of Tylenol PM and NyQuil. It only made me sick to my stomach for a couple of days, and at the point I had been up for three days straight and I grew hysterical. I wanted to die so badly that I grew angry at myself for not being able to commit suicide. I could hear the voices laughing at me and I felt so embarrassed. I was up for two more days and finally broke down and told the therapist at school what I had done.

I was sent to an adolescent behavioral unit and spent a month there. That was when I received my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.

Ten years later Bipolar has become a part of my everyday life. Some days are good and some days are bad. I try to take each day as they come, but it can get pretty difficult occasionally. My mood swings are something my friends accept and understand, for which I’m beyond grateful for. Because I know how hard it is to deal with me at times.

I’m currently having mixed episodes due to my mother recently overdosing. I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head. I’m back on mood stabilizers and I hope I start to feel normal sometime soon. It’s going to be a battle that’s for sure, but I hope this blog helps. I’m so tired of keeping everything to myself. I want to be able to get my emotions out.

If anyone reads this, thank you for your time. I mainly did this for myself, but it if you find it, thank you for reading my story.

#first post #bipolar #mental health #speak up #you’re not alone

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 6 years

Note

For the ask meme: A) 1, 3, 6, 9, 11, 23, B) 2, 11, C) 5, 7, D) 5, E) 1, F) 3, G) 5, H) 1, L) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

This is going to be a thicccccc post y’all. Doing these for Reeve, Lonan, Foster, Harrison, and Darren from FOSTERED, and Clifford from I’M DISAPPOINTED!

PART A:

1. What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…

Reeve: ISFP

Lonan: ISTJ

Foster: INFJ

Harrison: ENFP

Darren: Not sure about this one, probably whatever my mom is (which I believe is ISFJ)

Clifford: INFP

3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it?

Reeve:

She has struggled with clinical depression since book two to present times.

She developed PTSD also pretty early on in the series, though it definitely worsened in book four, and is probably at its peak where I’m at in book six.

I also believe she does struggle with borderline personality disorder, though this is a newer discovery, and I’ve definitely been doing a lot of research recently in order to write it respectfully (as I’ve done with the previous disorders).

Reeve is aware of her depression and PTSD, not her BPD, but these all remain untreated

Lonan:

He namely suffers from some form depression that fluctuates a bit

He also suffers from depersonalization/derealization disorder

Lonan’s also struggled with an alcohol problem since book three, and a recent drug problem

I don’t think Lonan is aware concretely of suffering from any of these disorders. He emphasizes seeing things to believe them, so while he understands deep down that he does struggle with these things, he would never admit this to himself, or anyone else. Thus, they would most likely remain untreated.

Foster:

Foster also does suffer from depression as well, though I would push it toward high-functioning.

He feels the effects, but doesn’t say anything about them because he doesn’t put his best interest above everyone else’s. In the future, definitely would be down for therapy

Harrison:

Pretty similar to Foster as well in terms of depression. I think it definitely worsens as he ages, and plateaus when he’s in his mid twenties.

This wasn’t ever something I considered before my own diagnosis, and isn’t something I’ve consciously incorporated, but I have a gut feeling Harrison has bipolar disorder as well

Harrison doesn’t do anything about this currently, but in the spinoff, does look into medication

Darren:

Darren is a relatively new character for me, so I haven’t had as much time with him to ruminate on this, but I definitely think his brother’s death influenced a resurfacing of his childhood depression. :(

Clifford:

Clifford does have social anxiety disorder, and a milder, but persistent depression (probably persistent depressive disorder)

He did have treatment in the past for his depression, in connection with his treatment for his alcohol abuse, but doesn’t continue with it beyond counselling in the actual book

6. Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”

Reeve

She definitely believes her interpretation of events and reality to be correct (even when grandiose) but depending on her mental state, she can very much doubt what’s real and what isn’t.

Lonan

His interpretation is always right even when he’s wrong.

Foster

“It’s possible I misheard you” be Foster’s catch phrase yo

Harrison

Like Lonan, he’s confident in his interpretation of events/reality, but isn’t arrogant about it lol

Darren

He admits he’s wrong sometimes and makes mistakes, so definitely, he questions his interpretation of things and is always open to improve.

Clifford

Clifford doubts himself SO much??? he be like uhhhummmmbutuhhhhhh

9. Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others?

Reeve:

Yes for herself and for others, doesn’t really own up to anything ever

Lonan:

Yes also, doesn’t really own up to anything ever, even more so than Reeve

Foster:

Yes for others, but not for himself. If he’s being mistreated, he oftentimes will try to excuse the other party’s behaviour, but will stand up for himself after a while (tho he’s a hella pushover)

Harrison:

Harrison doesn’t make excuses from himself, or for anybody else, excluding Lonan, lol. Because of his emotional investment, he’ll often try to come up with a reason to excuse Lonan’s (usually very horrible) actions when it comes to the intimacy of their relationship. Tho he stops taking BS really quickly, lol, but Lonan can sometimes be a soft spot (which ain’t cool asshole).

Darren:

Darren is such a good person, lol, he doesn’t excuse himself for his actions, or anyone else’s actions, with Reeve’s being an exception. Pretty similar to Lonan x Harrison.

Clifford:

Clifford does the opposite of excuse his actions. He’s an extreme self-loather, honestly. He also excuses other people’s actions because he’s a pushover like Foster.

11. Does your OC put others’ needs before their own?

Reeve:

No, though this is detrimental at times, because she can lack a lot of empathy at times, in the past I would’ve said yes

Lonan:

No, also is a lil selfish not gonna lie

Foster:

Yes, too much

Harrison:

Also yes too much

Darren:

Extreme yes very too much

Clifford:

Hella yikers way too much

23. Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it?

Reeve:

No, but also isn’t confident, or insecure about it

Lonan:

To an extent. He doesn’t want to be the garbage aesthetic (which is my aesthetic and I love but ok) so does iron the living fuck out of his button ups, lol. Is very confident @ the arrogance thooooo

Foster:

Yes, just because he’s suave™. He might be a lil insecure because he’s v sensitive tho lol #chillitwiththeaxe

Harrison:

Yes, because he’s also the suavest. Harrison is actually the garbage/dumpster/garage aesthetic, and I love it. He doesn’t put an extraneous amount of effort into his appearance tho, is just a natural boi. He’s also confident but not arrogant (most of the times lol).

Darren:

A rather normal amount, probably? Isn’t too concerned tho, is confident with who he is as a person

Clifford:

Yes. Very much yes. He’s pretty insecure, and while this doesn’t link back with his appearance, he definitely is conscious of it, and makes sure it doesn’t further add to his accumulated insecurities.

PART B:

2. Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly?

Reeve:

Yes, the impatience is real the world works for her yo

Lonan:

Also yes, the world is his bitch hunty, the world ain’t only his oyster, it’s his possession my dude why are we still waiting in this line Harrison it’s been thirty seconds oh my gOd

Foster:

No, lol, patience is a virtue yo

Harrison:

Yes, but not because he’s entitled like Reeve and Lonan, but because he’s pretty impatient and antsy and doesn’t enjoy sitting still

Darren:

No, lol he’s just gonna play candy crush on his phone and be satisfied lol

Clifford:

Yes, after some time. Like, he’ll see a long line and be like *impending doom* but won’t start complaining until like fifteen minutes in

11. Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late?

Reeve:

She lets the other person know and will bend the truth so it works in her favour. So ‘I rear-ended someone’ would become ‘someone rear-ended me’.

Lonan:

Lets them know he’s running late and lies about why he’s late to also benefit him. So if he slept in, he’s like ‘My sister had me drive her to an appointment and gave me absolutely no notice, and I’m appalled at her inability to recognize consequences for actions and the importance of respecting time’.

Foster:

Tells the other person he’s running late and is honest about why he’s late, and profusely apologizes.

Harrison:

Lets them know he’s running late and lies but creatively. So I’m running late because I’m hungover is I’m running late because my alarm system literally had a freak out last night and literally every cop in America showed up at my house and turns out one of them is my mother’s cousin’s ex, so we had a long conversation and then I had to fill out paperwork and pay a fine and my morning has been awful? Sounds unbelievable, but he’ll somehow convince you. Or at least you’ll know he’s lying but the charm tho?

Darren:

Says he’s running late and tells the truth about why he’s late, is like sorry buddy tbh I wanted to binge Hell’s Kitchen instead of coming to this corporate meeting and yikers the time slipped away.

Clifford:

Says he’s running late and tries to lie but it’s so pathetic the person he has plans with cancels

PART C:

5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

Reeve:

Her morals are ridiculously situational oml

Lonan:

What morals

Foster:

No, lol, his morals are goddamn iron my bro

Harrison:

I mean if he really wants to spitball that one person who wronged him he ain’t gonna say no ??? Though I mean, Lonan has done a lot of awful shit to him, and he still hasn’t gotten revenge, so I guess he’s not a situational kind of mans.

Darren:

Nopers, he likes his morals to stay where they are

Clifford:

Morals also ain’t moving yo

7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort?

Reeve:

No, people don’t change

Lonan:

People never change

Foster:

People can change, but it does take effort (he used to believe it was a natural process and then Reeve and Lonan happened looool)

Harrison:

Ehh. People don’t really change. They can if they really want to, but they’re just going to be the same person but less shitty?

Darren:

I think he’s a little unsure. He wants to believe people can change, but he’s not sure if they actually will because a lot of people just dont have enough self-awareness and drive/willingness to.

Clifford:

People don’t change mom omg just their circumstances and how they react to them agh

PART D:

5. Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible?

Reeve:

No. When you’re dead, you’re dead.

Lonan:

Also no, when you’re dead, you’re dead anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool

Foster:

Not really? Maybe he’d like to. I don’t think he’s rooted enough in just humanity that he’d believe only what we see exists, but he’s not like a ghost fanatic, lol. When one haunts him tho he’s got that holy water my boi.

Harrison:

Yes, but jokingly. I think he would be a bit of a provoker to ghosts because he thinks the idea is stupid, but does it for the fun. He’s down for ghost hunting apps, but thinks it’s all a joke. Probably is that person who uses a Ouija board and opens a portal.

Darren:

Also no because he doesn’t really think about it? He believes in the afterlife, and probably heard tons of stories from his grandma, but isn’t a huge believer himself.

Clifford:

I feel like Clifford would only believe in ghosts when he’s home alone and it’s 4AM and there’s a knock on the door, tbh, he scares easily, lol

(v/ sad about this tho im a hella believer in ghosts, where my ghost believer characters at thooooo)

PART E:

1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?

Reeve:

Yeah, I think Reeve is pretty intelligent. She’s able to see the motivations of others and understand them (doesn’t mean she necessarily keeps them in mind with her actions). She’s also pretty good at manipulation because she understands the insecurities and weaknesses of those around her. I dunno if she’d necessarily agree with this, though.

Lonan:

Lonan is v/ intelligent, similarly to Reeve. He is literally the *master of manipulation, knows the motives of others, their weaknesses, and knows exactly how to exploit them to the fullest extent possible. Other than his intelligence being used to ruin the lives of others, lol, he’s also really good with numbers. Highkey actually me self-inserting my love for mental math into my son #noregrets. He would definitely agree with this. He’s smart and he knows it. (Unfortunately) Though for the smartest person in my books, he sure does make the stupidest decisions??

(last week I was shopping with my best friend and calculated a total real quick and she was like “stop being lonan” lol oops)

(lonan is actually an insult now ??)

Foster:

He’s also hella smart, and gets no credit for it? Foster is very much like a teacher, honestly. He’s got that elementary school 10/10 teacher vibe to him. Foster is also really good at math, lol. He’s got an affinity for science outside of my book world, to be honest, loves reading, is down to memorize the periodic table, yo. Foster’s really down to earth so he’d prolly be hella modest about his smarts.

Harrison:

He’s really, really smart, but acts really dumb?? Harrison doesn’t give himself enough credit, to be honest. He doesn’t really focus on his brain, but it’s a sharp one, yo. He would probably disagree with me calling him smart tho.

Darren:

Is like my smartest boy? Darren is very people smart, but he’s also very brain smart, lol. I think he’d be pretty proud about his smarts, and express that, though not arrogantly.

Clifford:

Hates himself so would probably call himself the stupidest shit alive even though he actually isn’t. He just needs some encouragement.

PART F:

3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?

Reeve:

No, too claustrophobic for her, would probably burn it down in frustration

Lonan:

No, he would need a five acre extension.

Foster:

Yes! This is so his aesthetic he just wants to live in a tiny house in the woods and never interact with people and be one with nature and make pine needle tea every morning and play Sudoku and write a novel about a young man on his literary adventures in London while sitting in a hammock at golden hour.

Harrison:

No? Maybe he’d find it really fun and a great idea for the first week so he could pretend to be a giant, but I mean, I think he’d hate it after a while. He’d keep bumping into cupboards and drawers and blame it on the size of the house when it’s really actually him.

Darren:

Yuppers, sign him up. Except Darren would be so down for a tiny house built out of an old school bus (like my dream tiny house lolol), and he’d just park up on the beach and have the best life?

Clifford:

I think he would enjoy it for a bit, but I can’t see Clifford sticking it out for very long. :( He likes small spaces as they’re comforting to him but is also claustrophobic? This boy is a walking contradiction tho? (me)

PART G

5. Did they go through any typical phases growing up?

Reeve:

Not really she’s boring lol

Lonan:

Probably a really pathetic emo phase ft. the Haircut before he buzzed off his hair lmaooooo

Foster:

Also so boring, no phases here, probably if I had to choose, the ‘hippie’ phase but it’s not a phase if it’s his life ? He’s like YES with that clay based toothpaste, YES with them green smoothies, #oil pulling? Sign me UPPP.

Harrison:

The swearing phase where every sentence is made of curse words except also not a phase if it’s real doe?? he’s no lie that person who be like: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckyoufuckfuckfuckfuck

Darren:

He probably had a real quick stint of writing bad poetry except he was never angsty enough so it was always like the sun is up / the sky is blue / it’s beautiful / and so are you and tbh can I get a Darren in my life

(not that those lyrics are bad i quite like them)

Clifford:

Clifford will forever be stuck in his emo phase, that’s who he is, man, he’s forever stuck in his edgy emo sad boi phase ok

(me tooooooo)

PART H

1. What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation?

*Not setting everything in stone here, just as with real people, there’s totally room to change, this is just what I’m thinking as of now, tho I haven’t traditionally characterized any of these guys, so they change every day lol! I always learn new things about my characters (which I try to share) so that’s my disclaimer!

Reeve:

So I did write her hetero for both, but I’m not actually super sure anymore? She maybe could be bi?

Lonan:

Aha, Lonannnnnnn. So this is going to connect with my answer for Harrison later on, but I’m also not sure on both sides ? I used to be pretty set that he was both heterosexual and heteroromantic, but I’m leaning probably toward bisexual x biromantic, though I’m not sure if these particular labels fit him. All I know is Lonan likes Harrison (and Harrison likes Lonan lol), tho navigating his head when it comes to this has been a bit confusing (which I get), so I don’t have a set answer to be honest.

Foster:

He is both heteroromantic and heterosexual

Harrison:

Ahhha, so. I’m also a lil confused when it comes to Harrison too, which is something I’ve been meaning to discuss on here for a bit! I recently mentioned he is bi, not sure if that’s still set? I’ve been trying to navigate whether or not he likes women both sexually and romantically, just sexually, just romantically, etc?? We’ve established Harrison is in love af with Lonan, and is attracted af to him, just ahhhh my brain has been all over the place with Ris. I’m like, not sure if he’s bi, or gay or ??? like ?? dunno ?

Darren:

Admittedly not something I’ve thought about extensively, would probably say hetero for both

Clifford:

Hetero, but maybe biromantic?? I mean him and Julian tho ??? I haven’t thought about Clifford in a very long time oops.

PART L

1. How have your characters changed since you created them?

Reeve:

So I’ve been writing Reeve for almost four years now, and I can confidently say I only figured out who she really is very recently. Reeve hasn’t actually changed very much since book one, I think I’ve just realized who she is more, so her actions reflect herself a lil better. She’s a self-centred person, and pretty much always has been, but because I know that that’s her character, and not me writing her wrong, I’ve been able to push that even more in book six versus book one. She’s also a lot less empathetic than she was, but honestly, she hasn’t made too much positive change, just remained as she was before, but worse.

Lonan:

Lonan ‘changed’ a lot, namely because I didn’t know he was going to be Reeve’s half brother until book three (he was intro’d in book two). Change isn’t a very good word for him, because like his sister, he’s remained the same person, but the way he acts has differed slightly. So how I perceive him has changed, would probably be a more accurate sentiment because his character hasn’t changed much. He’s impatient as he was in book two, a lil narcissistic, hot-headed, arrogant. I’d say he’s changed the most in terms of self destruction. He’s always been self-destructive, but he’s even more so now.

Foster:

Foster is a lot milder than I initially wrote him. He had a bit of sass to him in book one, but this totally actually isn’t his character, which I realized as I went along. He doesn’t stand up for himself nearly as much as he used to, and his submissiveness has increased a lot. It’s funny (and kind of awful) that I’ve never actually characterized these guys with backstory (just went on as it happened), so a lot of things change as I go, but his sass tho? Where did it go ?? He cracked more jokes too ??? now he’s so serious ?? He also wasn’t vegan before but now he legit is?? Foster is hella posher than he was before, honestly.

Harrison:

Harrison’s a lot more mature now than he was in book one. His character arc is kind of funny, because he’s hot-headed, impatient, funny, sassy, etc when he’s 17, up until he’s 19. From 20 onward, he’s a lot more mature, and less childish, and from 25 onward, reverts back to his seventeen year old self, lol. Harrison’s patience has increased a lot more tho, and he also isn’t volatile at all. He’s a huge softie who I somehow didn’t realize liked the bois even tho it’s so obvious he does like ? Rachel r u good ??? he is so down for the rainbow tho ? taste the rainbow doe ?

Darren:

AHA Darren has changed SOOOO MUCH. Darren was supposed to be a horrible person, narcissistic, bitter, very sharp and blunt, selfish, etc, and that’s how I planned him to be. Literally the instant I wrote his first line into the book he turned into a total softie seweetheart with the biggest heart of gold which actually doesn’t work for my future plot but I can’t help that he’s literally a dream come true as a person? He went from stupid villain to SWEETERMANSSS.

Clifford:

lol I wrote Clifford as a hardcore ‘I don’t give two fucks about this world, fuck you man’ kind of guy who was honest and kind of an ass for about the first three chapters of the original draft of I’M DISAPPOINTED when I realized he’s actually a cinnamon roll? I struggled to change this in my earliest edits (I think I have notes saying MAKE CLIFFORD LESS OF AN ASS) a lot. He wasn’t supposed to be anxious af either, or care about his family. Needless to say, pretty stoked he changed lol.

2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

I don’t really consider theme very much, if at all in my books or characters (this is more so something I look to after the fact if it ever comes up), but I’d say a huge theme for everybody is loss? I dunno why, but loss is one of my favourite things to write because it almost acts as a vortex for more potential problems to integrate into a story. I really like dealing with messy situations in my books, and loss really allows me to do this, as well as segue into other characteristics in my characters, such as selfishness, anger, deceit, sadness, etc.

3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?

Reeve:

No, conceptually, she was never meant to be anything like me, and in execution, I still don’t think she’s anything like me, lol.

Lonan:

No, he also wasn’t created to be like me, and remained nothing like me until around book four? Lonan and I are still very different (he’s hella calculating and not emotional lol), but there are parts of me that I now see in him.

None of these characteristics were intentional, but he totally got my worst characteristics. Sometimes these characteristics (mostly) are more exaggerated in him than me (such as coldness), but yeah he’s kinda like my evil alter ego, lol.

Because of this, Lonan is kind of the closest character to me, strangely, and I’ve had a dissociative episode ft. him, which was strange but interesting!

My doctor has deemed Lonan my lil guardian buddy who reminds me of the laws of the real world (like yo if u jump off something u gon fall hunny gravity is a thing), which is fascinating to me (could talk about this forever!) because I never considered him to be that close to me?

Foster

lol no not me at all, wasn’t created that way ever

Except we both love tofu and could probably drown in tofu and not be mad about it?

I need to write a scene with Foster and tofu oml

Harrison

Aha, no he wasn’t actually created to be like me at all, and I never thought we were similar until a year or two ago! He’s kinda like the ‘extroverted me’ obvi I think I’m colder and more cynical than him, but we could vibe since we’re on a similar wavelength lol

Harrison is like all the sunshine in me, so subtract the Lonan from me

Darren

Also no, Darren wasn’t created to be me, and I think he’s too nice to be similar to me, lol.

Clifford

So Clifford was never created to be like me at all. We started out as being two very very very different people, and then suddenly he ? was ? my ? emo ? alter ? ego ? tho ???

Clifford was a very suave boi before I figured out who he was, and when I did, he turned out to be an anxious, angsty, existential boi who is no lie basically a self-insert ahahaha

4. Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

Reeve

Is it mean if I say no, lol. She’s not a people person or a friend person, and I dunno what we would even talk about. Obviously if I could hang out with all my characters that’d be fun, but I dunno if I’d even talk to Reeve, looool oops

Lonan

Yes! Just because I’d really enjoy provoking him. Lowkey would hate me, but I could see his superman hair in person ? tho ?

Foster

queen yessss catch us gushing bout tofu and chickpeas ????

Harrison

QUEEN yes! ft. ABBA on karaoke tho? Hanging out with Harrison would be so fun because he’s actually not boring like Lonan who we would poke fun at and then I’d be like yo hunnyyy snatch up that date for yourself thoooooo and we would talk about boys lol

Darren

Also yes! Darren is so generous and kind and funny and tbh how tf is he single hmu Darren tbh let’s eat Oreos and watch musicals

Clifford

I don’t really want to hang out with Clifford because that would be horribly awkward? But I think jamming some guitar with him would be very fun and then we’d bond and write angsty poetry on our hands

5. Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘good guy’?

loool not Reeve

My order from most morally sound to least morally sound:

Darren

Foster

Clifford

Harrison

Reeve

Lonan

None of these people are particularly antagonists in terms of the bias of the story. I would say Darren, Foster, Clifford and Harrison are all 100% not antagonistic at all. Reeve and Lonan are technically ‘heroes’ but ha, no. I’d definitely say in other perspectives, they’re both hella morally grey, and in many cases, very morally wrong.

6. Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘bad guy’?

The award is going to Lonan, but Reeve is right up there with him. Neither Reeve or Lonan are supposed to be the ‘bad guy’, they just make poor decisions. At the moment, Reeve is making worse decisions than her brother, so, their moral decline kinda switches at times, lol. Neither are the antagonists of the book at least from Reeve’s narrative bias, but I guess if you think about it, they wreak the most havoc for the most part.

7. Which OC do you think is the most attractive?

Heh I love that this is the last question! I think they’re all rather decent, and have their own attractive qualities tho? Some observations:

Reeve

Kinda plain not gon lie she cute doe

Lonan

Bird boi, The hair swoop tho? #itsignifieshisdownfall, that jawline tho?

Foster:

Fresh boi, gotta iron dem dress shirts, #oxfords, #shoepolish, #hairgel

Harrison

Hawt boi, That shaggy hair tho? The leather jackets and cigarettes tho?

Darren:

Suave boi, EVERYTHING tho??? His hair ??? His face ??? His personality ???

Clifford:

lmao

Thanks for all the questions! Whattup at this long post, good on you if you made it this far!

–Rachel

#writing #amwriting #asks #writerblr

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orbemnews · 3 years

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Serial Stowaway Marilyn Hartman Explains How She Repeatedly Got Past Airport Security; 'The Story Is Crazy' By Brad Edwards and Carol Thompson CHICAGO (CBS) — For nearly 20 years, Marilyn Hartman baffled everyone. In a post-9/11 world, she flew the world over, she never had a ticket. She became America’s Serial Stowaway. READ MORE: Chicago Weather: Precipitation Lasts Into Evening Rush For Many The one thing she’s never done, is talk about it – in depth. How? Why? Will she do it again? Never talked about it until right now, exclusively with CBS 2 Investigator Brad Edwards. Marilyn Hartman reflected on the moniker she’s best known for: The Serial Stowaway. “I don’t mind if people say ‘She’s a nut.’“ “… because when I look at it objectively … “ “… that’s how I see it is craziness.” “I purposely remained a mystery, because of the crazy factor.” “This makes it even crazier, you might want to reconsider everything.” “… It was like something out of a movie.” CBS 2, over the years, has covered Hartman’s travels. “So, Bradford, I don’t care at all if someone calls me crazy, I mean the story is crazy,” she said. It started with a phone call from jail on October 29, 2019. Hartman: “Hello is this Brad Edwards?” Edwards: “Yeah. Hi Marilyn. How are you?” Hartman: “I really appreciate you reaching out to me that was a very nice letter and everything, and I like your reporting as well … I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’m willing to do this.” Edwards: “Can I record this call?” Hartman: “You definitely can record it, that’s fine,” Hartman said. And they were off. Like Marilyn Hartman herself: America’s Serial Stowaway. Edwards and Hartman were pen pals since late 2019 — her last attempt to flee for free. Audio recordings, obtained by the CBS 2 Investigators, reveal a Transportation Security Administration agent spotted her once again at O’Hare on October 10, 2019, and called police. “There’s been a Marilyn sighting over here,” said one TSA agent. The dispatcher then asked the agent, “Can you keep an eye on her for me?” From the Cook County jail, she wrote she wanted: “… To apologize … My mea culpa to law enforcement, including the TSA … it was not my intention to make their jobs more difficult.” She told Edwards she thought she had taken at least 30 flights over the years. The CBS 2 Investigators — through a series of sources, public records requests, Ms. Hartman’s recollections, and more — compiled a forensic accounting of her free rides. Jacksonville. Seattle. Phoenix. Philly. Atlanta. Minneapolis. San Fran. London. A real Catch Me If You Can — she says began in 2002. Hartman recalls, “The first time I was able to to get through I flew to Copenhagen” and “The second time I flew into Paris.” It wasn’t until some 12 years later that she popped on the radar of law enforcement. August 14, 2014: Ms. Hartman, sans ticket, flew from San Jose to Los Angeles. A judge then warned her, don’t do it again. Seven months later, in April 2015 in Jacksonville, she appeared in court where her fate was sealed: “Ms. Hartman has been determined by forensic psychologists to be incompetent to proceed.” “I know they keep emphasizing the mental illness … law enforcement … would like to have that in place. but umm … (laughs) no, I’m pretty good,” she said. Good at getting away with it. Per law enforcement documents, as early as January 2015, Hartman was on the “trespass list.” In April 2015, documents show she was known as a “serial stowaway.” In May 2015, she was “… considered a high security risk.” And, in July that year: a “habitual stowaway.” So, how did she get away with taking so many flights for so long, without a ticket or a boarding pass? “The thing I’ve got to tell you. I have never been able to board a plane by myself. I was always let through,” Hartman revealed. “I mean I was able to go through the security line without a boarding pass.” The year prior to her latest arrest, her last success happened in January 2018. READ MORE: Off-Duty CPD Officer Shot Near South Stony Island Reports obtained by the CBS2 Investigators say Hartman, “evaded the security process” “and document / ticket check” and took a $3428 flight to London on a British Airways plane. She had become omnipresent at TSA checkpoints, with her picture at security checkpoints. She described to CBS 2 how she did it. “I got by them, this is the thing that is so crazy, by following someone they would be carrying like a blue bag,” she said. “And the next thing I know, I get into the TSA line and TSA lets me through, and they think I’m with the guy with the blue bag.” “For her to be able to repeat that over and over, that is just mind boggling,” says aviation security expert Jeff Price. The genius of her mode of operation is in its simplicity,” he said and warned, “… It’s the unsophisticated types of plans are often the most successful.” Price, once assistant head of security at Denver International Airport, and a professor at the Metropolitan State University of Denver, has written “Practical Aviation Security: Predicting and Preventing Future Threats” considered the leading textbook on aviation security. “Have we taken Marilyn Hartman did serious enough,” Edwards asked. “I don’t think we have,” answered Price. Is the TSA using Hartman’s tactics as a training tool? We asked and were told to put in a public records request for the information. We did and are still waiting for a response. “They literally should have a curriculum designed around how she’s able to get through security and that should be taught to every Transportation Security Officer out there,” said Price. Marilyn Hartman looks like a grandmother. It makes you wonder would the same type of courtesy be extended to a young man with olive skin or a mother with a hijab? Or do we need to think differently, we asked Price. “We definitely need to think differently,” he said and added, “We can’t constantly be preparing for the last attack. The next attack will not look like that.” “And the next attacker?” Edwards asked. “And the next attacker. Exactly,” Price said. Back to Marilyn Hartman and why she took all those flights. “When I took the plane ride, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t ‘Oh, I’m going here or there’— I was actually in a depressed state of mind,” she told CBS2. Diagnosed bipolar, it wasn’t a manic episode that set off the flight trigger, it was the opposite. An example, in 2015. Back-to-back days – July 3 and July 4. One Midway, one O’Hare. Similar clothes, same carry-on. So depressed she’d admit, her desperation got her caught, both times. In one phone conversation from jail, Edwards asked Hartman if she felt a fight or flight response and literally took a flight. She answered: “That is literally what happened.” She spoke later about her mental health. “I’m bipolar. And this is something I’ve rejected for years.” She wrote in several letters to Edwards about her life growing up, as a young child. Hartman wrote that she was born in 1951 at Jackson Park Hospital and told Edwards later about her family life. “There was so much violence and mental illness in the household,” she said. Her life alone, ill, not much of note, until she took off. In October 2019 when TSA last stopped her at O’Hare trying to take flight again, she was already on probation for the 2018 flight to London. “I have real tough judge on this case,” she said. “Judge Chiampas is pissed at me for the situation in which I found myself.” She’s already been in custody for 500-plus days on these latest on charges of burglary, criminal trespassing, and probation violation. Details of a plea agreement announced in early March would drop the burglary charge and give Hartman 18 months’ probation, with mental health counseling. A deal the Judge didn’t seem interested in accepting. Judge Chiampas said at that hearing, “I will not be giving her a third probation.” In those several phone calls and letters with Edwards, Ms. Hartman had a warmth about her, was contemplative. She wrote of the inequities, Jim Crow- like in jail. She’s currently out of jail on electronic monitoring and on a steady diet of counseling and daily meds. Edwards noted: “So, you’ve had a hell of a life.” “Yeah, it’s been. It has been,” she answered. Edwards asked, “Would you consider yourself fascinating?” “Yes I would under the circumstances … and I downplay it, Brad, I don’t. Yeah,” she said. Hartman never did an in-depth interview “… Until I was confident that I wouldn’t take an illegal flight again,” she said. And, added one final thought, “I want the opportunity to apologize to the people I’ve hurt.” Hartman’s plea deal will likely be finalized in early April when all parties are back in court. The CBS2 Investigators could not find anyone, from TSA to gate agents, who had ever been disciplined for any Hartman gaffe. We reached out to several major airlines. Southwest told us they had nothing to say on the record on the matter. Delta and United did not respond. American Airlines did send a statement saying they had a rigorous process in place to ensure safety. MORE NEWS: Indian Lakes Hotel In Bloomingdale Will Not Reopen After February Shooting That Left 1 Dead, 4 Other Injured “We are aware of the incidents involving Marilyn Hartman at O’Hare Airport. American’s Corporate Security and Safety teams have rigorous processes in place to ensure the safety of our operation and we continue to work with our partners in law enforcement and at the TSA to maintain a safe and secure airport environment.” –American Airlines Spokesperson Source link Orbem News #airport #crazy #explains #Hartman #Marilyn #marilynhartman #news #o'hareairport #repeatedly #security #serial #Story #Stowaway #syndicatedlocal

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trippz2ill2ace8itout · 3 years

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🔥🔥🥀🥀Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 2 years clean! I’m 22. I have 20 mental illnesses I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , Trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018.

Here's a list of my doctors diagnoses (they were actually diagnosed , DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE)

•Bipolar, Schizo-affective, PTSD

OCD , ODD, ADHD, anxiety , depression

Insomnia , autism, anorexia

Attachment disorder , narcolepsy

Borderline personality , multiple personality. Dissociative identity fugue

Critically/clinically insane

Tardive Dyskinesia, body dyamorphia

Dissociative Amnesia

Depersonalization/derealization disorder

Intermittent Explosive disorder

Severe Brain Damage

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic x This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Been In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. And boarding cares , no home from 2011-2018 Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth x Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls.

a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤

🔥🔥every day and night I deal with

20 mental illnesses

Vivid flashbacks 24/7 of the trauma that occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018

40-80 mental breakdowns all day and night

Not being able to aak for help cuz since I've been in 215 mental hospitals the next time I go I'm going to a state institution

Michael Alvarado Alvaro (my main demon) constantly tortures me

No options cuz: I've been in over 100 treatment centers none will take me back

Been on all medications (dosages, types, combinations)

Being the most high maintenance mental health case in the system of California

My dog slowly dying

My mom being constantly sick

Feeling like I dont belong anywhere

My psyical health is getting worse

-feeling weak

-blacking and passing out

-throwing up

-body aches

-memory loss

-constant headaches, stomach pains , nausea, soar throat , body numb

Narcolepsy

-ear aches , my whole body aching Sinusitis

Being overly sensitive / wanting to save the universe and everyone in it

Fear of telling people I'm not OK cuz:

I feel like a burden

It's the same thing over and over again

It gets tiring

I feel like my existinese is a waste

Being literally possessed by my demons

Being autistic

Not eating and not sleeping

Wanting to hurt myself

Wanting to end it

Wanting to escape

My family doesnt want me home

They would be better off without me

Constantly missing my un biological son Anthony

Hearing my torturours in my head

This is not for pity or sympathy

I'm trying.

Im here for all of u . My 2nd Number: 951-460-8418

Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Also u can text 711-711

Don't give up , u matter x 🔥🔥

60-80 mental breakdowns a day vivid flashbacks every day _ nightmares every night. Being a recovering drug addict/alcoholic.

215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes, 2 were extremely abusive. , bouncing from unlocked, locked, short and long term treatment centers, group homes, rehab, residential, crisis centers, homeless 13 times. Shelters, most of my life I've been literally tortured, raped, abused, sold, drugged up, I sold myself/prostituted, got tortured and abused in every way possible. Sold drugs to get money to raise Anthony "Lil Toni" Castillo-Martinez (why I have the last name Martinez) who I met in one of the abusive foster homes and raised him as my own. Kimberly M. Olivarez was my deceased ex fiance, she made a false accusation that I gave Anthony drugs (not true at all) , CPS took him away. Kim tortured and abused me in any way possible. She called 60+ people every day and night to abuse, rape, torture , almost kill me. I have attempted suicide over 100+ times, my "dad" who I don't consider my dad abused me in anyway possible from age 4 till he died in 2011. I've been abused by several more people. I have been on every single medication for mental health, every dosage, combination, type. In every sort of treatment. They are trying to concerve me again, last time I talked to my therapist, doctor , treatment team etc they said my next admittion to the mental hospital they are gonna send me away to a state institution. Last time they concerved me I was past my 52/50 and I was at this one hospital, I was there for a few months I can't remember, they had a hearing then they took me to court. I already got my criminal record when I was under 18, they cleared it. I lied to the judge and then later on they took me off concerveraship . so let's say I'm suicidal , unsafe, I can't tell anyone cuz of what I just mentioned. When I was 12 years old I for sent to a level 14 (higher level of care) mental health, addiction, behavioral treatment center for over a year. They couldn't even handle me and they were tryna send me to a higher level of care, but that was the highest level of care. The state of California named me "the most high maitence mental health case in the system" from 2011-2018 I had no home. From 2001-2018 there was trauma occurring 24/7. My soberiety date is 9•18•2018. I have a name for myself from several people. Over 200. Have told me I "help everyone obsessively" I get told to put myself first but that ain't ever gonna happen. I don't trust people, I'm extremely sensitive and I can't take confrontation without me breaking down. I don't date at all cuz of the many traumas. I'm a bi-romantic asexual. I'm 22 and I've always been a female. I accept all of u for who u are, no matter what race, color, sexuality, illness, circumstances ur in, etc etc. I can name more, I accept everybody. Everybody needs somebody , we deserve care, love, help , support, acceptance, appreciation, etc etc. U don't kno someone's story, what they have been and/or currently going thru. U matter, ur existence is a huge blessing to this universe. U are doing the best u can and I'm proud of u. There's more but its 2am and my meds are kicking in. Don't judge anybody. I appreciate all of u and I'm here for u. -- Izzy M. Martinez🌹🌺🌷🔥

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agapeeternal · 6 years

Text

I’m

Chester Bennington’s suicide has made me think a lot about my own attempts in the past.

Like a lot of people who gravitated to Linkin Park, and Chester in particular, I suffered from undiagnosed depression and suicidal ideation as a child. I had abuse in my childhood from a family member (though not to Chester’s degree). I never told anyone, because I was scared no one would believe me, so I held it in.

School was a hell I had to endure every day until the middle of 8th grade, when my depression spiraled. Years of bullying and not understanding why things were so hard for me study wise, I lost it. That was my first serious suicide attempt. I took a whole bottle of prescription strength ibuprofen and waited. I’m not sure if I passed out or if I just fell asleep, but I woke up and projectile vomited all over my bed. I didn’t feel that shame or the thankfulness that I had survived. I was pissed. I was pissed because not only did this not work, but now I had to completely strip my bed and throw everything into the tub until I could put it in the washer later. I ended up staying home from school that day, I mean, I was “sick”. It took an assembly about bullying and mental illness that happened at our school, a skit performed by a traveling anti-bullying project, to admit to my parents that I was depressed. But there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t think at the time.

My depression didn’t get any better, it just got worse. Some odd happenings went on in school which included an absolutely outrageous suspension and a teacher who hated the shit out of me because she got caught in a lie. And that was the point that I left public school and went into independent study. I actually loved it; for once school wasn’t hell, it was just challenging. But the help I got there as well as the help I got from my family, it worked great. Sure, I still had to do summer school every year, but it wasn’t that bad. I thought, “I can do this now, I’m ready.” So, I tried high school, but three months later I was back in independent study.

I thought I was prepared to handle the demands of a 6 period day, and maybe actually make friend’s, or at least catch up with the people I had hung out with since first grade. But I wasn’t. The reaction I got after returning was less like “girl where have you been?! We kinda missed you.” and was more like “oh you’re back? Wow. Okay. Hi. I guess.” That combined with the depression that never really left, and how exhausting going to class was, I couldn’t do it. I failed at trying to come back and experience high school. People who I had known called a few times, offering to take me to football games or other things, since being in independent study allowed me to have a parent school and all activities and classes were open to me. But somehow they neglected to tell me that they couldn’t go or changed plans until minutes before the events happened. And those were the times I wished I hadn’t survived. I hated feeling disposable, I hated feeling like no one cared about me. And they didn’t. I meant absolutely nothing to them, at least nothing more than birthday cupcakes and valentines cards and field trips when we were in grade school that my mom would help give kids that couldn’t afford it. But after grade school, I wasn’t worth anything, and it stung. But I tried to shove that down, along with everything else, and just concentrate on school. I managed to graduate on time with a 4.0 and walk with my class. It was bittersweet, but at least that was done.

All that was okay, I even managed to hold a job until after I graduated. I took a semester off and when I started college, things went sideways on me, as it usually does when mental illness rears its ugly head, and that led, eventually, to more self-harm and finally, to therapy. By the end of my first semester, I realized I couldn’t do this anymore, without help. It was hard to say, “look, I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t do this on my own, I’m crumbling.” But I did. When I made my first appointment, I didn’t experience the embarrassment at first, that came later. I was like, “fuck it, it’s either this or…it’s this.” I saw my first psychiatrist and after a couple of meetings, he dropped the bomb I was hoping to hear; a diagnosis.

I was bipolar. II to be exact.

After all these years, it had a name. Bipolar Disorder. It was scary but also a big relief, to know that all that inner turmoil I was going through wasn’t just my imagination, it was REAL.

It turns out, all this time, I had been exhibiting symptoms, even as a child. It all made sense, all the ups and downs and tantrums then crying spells, all the trouble concentrating and daydreaming in school. Everything clicked. And now I had to figure out what the fuck to do with this.

I started medication and went through every possible cocktail. I lost my first two psychiatrists to retirement and went through one therapist. Somewhere in there, a breakup happened that disturbed both the process and my recovery, and I went through another therapist until I found my current one. They say you should click with a therapist, that, even though it isn’t easy, that your relationship should help you work through whatever you need to work on. Easier said than done, but I’m more than happy with her.

I was still feeling the depression more than the hypomania, that visited every once in a while, the mixed episodes that visited far too often. But I was doing okay. My baseline wasn’t great, but I knew where it was, and I was doing as well as I usually did. Until everything went sideways again. In late 2015, I went through a horrible breakup. It was messy and painful and I lost it. Again. My therapist had suggested group therapy for me for years, but I didn’t like the idea of having to talk to a room full of strangers. But I finally went to group, and later, to IOP. The little bit of work I had been doing seemed to slide completely backwards. I was actively suicidal, and I tried.

I literally couldn’t take it anymore. I was so depressed and dealing with the breakup combined with other messy things going on and my down cycle, it just snowballed. I didn’t want to die, I don’t think most people to commit suicide do. I wanted to end all the pain and depression and just be able to BREATHE. I wanted to get away from my own head. So I took a mix of my meds and just passed out. It left me mostly drugged out but semi-conscious, hardly able to do anything other than just lay there. I couldn’t walk in a straight line if you paid me. But I was alive. Fortunately, or unfortunately. I was still around.

So when does Linkin Park come in? 7th grade. I saw “One Step Closer” on CMC (California Music Channel) before MTV or VH1 had picked them up. The DJ was a friend of a friend of Mike’s I believe, and played it even though CMC was mostly–almost entirely–hip-hop and r&b. At that time, the only thing outside of hip-hop and r&b that I was listening to was pop music that was playing everywhere else. Papa Roach slipped into the mix shortly, but that was it. Linkin Park wasn’t something I would’ve been interested in. At all. But I didn’t change the channel, I just watched that ridiculous video, and as weird as it was, I found myself really hearing the lyrics. I liked them. They were different.

Then ‘Crawling” and “In The End” came out, and I had never connected with lyrics on that level. Even though I was only 12-13, they still hit home. Hard. I didn’t know how to address what happened to me when I was younger, I still hadn’t told anyone. It haunted me, especially having to see the person. It was only once in a while, but it brought everything back like a freight train. Dealing with that and the painful reality of not having friends, of being constantly bullied, I was confused and hurt. I felt like I didn’t have a voice.

But “Crawling” became my voice. I knew what it felt like to literally be crawling in your skin, to hate seeing your reflection, to despise everything. I felt the endless discomfort and insecurity that was all consuming. Every single line in that song, I felt.

Linkin Park became the outlet I needed. I needed to be heard, I needed to be understood. I needed someone to LISTEN. But I didn’t have to explain anything, everything was there for me, in black and white. I saw my feelings, I saw what I needed. I saw it all. And I was grateful.

Unfortunately, I lost touch with them for a while. Somewhere after Meteora, I strayed. There was no reason other than new songs and artists came out and my musical interests shifted some. But when I found myself in a hole, they were there. They were always there.

In 2017, my musical taste still hadn’t shifted back to them, not completely. I hadn’t heard most of their recent things. But I got into Kiiara. And when I watched her video for “Gold”, on the side it recommended a Facebook live with Linkin Park and Kiiara which threw me a bit. That didn’t seem like a combination that would go well together. But I also saw the video for “Heavy” and I clicked on it. It was hard to watch and I cried the whole time, because 2017 had, up to that point, fucking sucked (and would, inevitably end up being one of the worst years of my life). My head was a mess, everything was heavy, and I wanted to let go. The paranoia and heaviness was everything I was feeling. Once again, they became my voice, and I fell back into them for a bit before drifting away again. I still held onto “Heavy”.

On July 20, 2017, I was packing for my family reunion. I saw that “Talking To Myself” had gone up and watched it, dancing to it as I tried to remember everything I needed with me.

A few hours later my mom called me into her room and asked if I remembered Linkin Park. Of course I did. Then she dropped my worst fear; Chester was gone.

I couldn’t speak for a minute. It literally felt like someone had punched a hole in me. I felt that in my soul, like something was ripped away from me. It was like I lost my breathe (and still haven’t caught it). Chester had brought me so much comfort and peace. He had helped me through times when I was actively suicidal. He helped me when I just needed to put words to my feelings. He did that. He made everything less heavy and helped soothe the hurt. Without him, I don’t know if I would be here, I truly don’t.

I immediately downloaded the new album and listened to it, crying the entire time. The person who had been my voice for so long was suddenly silenced. There was hurt and pain in listening to the music, but at the same time, it was strange comfort. Because, even though he wasn’t here, he would always be.

There was never anger on my side. I understood that feeling, I understood how being in that moment was. It’s horrible. But there was a strange sense of pride. A pride in that he was still here, he made it as far as he did. Most people would’ve completely given up years ago. But he kept going, he kept finding a way. A lot of it was obviously the support system he had, but a lot of it was support that we didn’t see.

We didn’t see every aspect of his life, but what we did see was someone who was both strong and vulnerable, someone who kept going, even when he didn’t want too. He didn’t give up. He was going to fuse his armor back together, he was going to pick himself up if he fell. And he did, he picked himself up until he couldn’t. We’ll never know what happened, what that final catalyst was, what those last moments were like. All we know is that our hearts are a little heavier and the world a little dimmer without him.

There’s now a tattoo on my arm of the Suicide prevention ribbon, and at the bottom are the flames that Chester had on his wrists, along with the words “One More Light”. It’s both to honor and remember Chester, but also to acknowledge my own struggles and remind myself to keep going, to remind myself that my journey isn’t over, that I still have growing and changing to do. It’s hard, when mental illness is there to tell you “NO”, to try and keep you from living, to keep you from enjoying life until you think you only have one choice. But I can’t do that. I owe it to myself and to Chester to keep trying. To hear my Battle Symphony, to not give up, fuse my armor back together and pick myself up.

You’ll always be missed and always be loved Chester. I hope you’ve found the peace you’ve always deserved.

(This is my journey. It’s not over, not by a long shot. I’m still growing and changing, I’m still trying to figure everything out. I have a lot of work to do, but I’m trying, and that’s all I can do.)

#Suicide #fuck depression #Chester Bennington #make chester proud #Linkin Park #tl;dr #makechesterproud #fuckdepression #take care of yourself #be kind to yourself

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ackerbooty · 6 years

Text

Note: If you make it to the end, know this post turned out much longer than I anticipated. And god forgive me saying and switching between opiate and opioid all over, my head is so scattered and I ... yeah.

I'm terrified.

Maybe in a way that is different from most--but it has to do with my meds. I was in a car accident when I was 17 years old, it'll be 10 years next September and I sustained a multitude of injuries:

Head injury

Glass/trauma under left eye that has led to my vision worsening in left eye

Fractured collarbone

Fractured first rib

Pnemothorax (collapsed lung) that now affects my breathing/problems with scar site

Hypersensitivity that circles around left breast and ribs

Herniated disc - back surgery in 2011 where there is now a scar with massive scar tissue

Fractured sacrum (My ass. I broke my ass.)

Fractured pelvis in 5 places

Severe damage to the sciatic nerve

All of these fractures and injuries were sustained to my left side, and continue to give me problems to this day. It was nothing I, or my family, thought and was told would be long lasting or "permanent". The orthopedic doctor, while I was still in my wheelchair and unable to walk told me I DID NEED PHYSICAL THERAPY (he was a fuckin' idiot, but that's an entirely different story that ends with me giving my mom and look and mouthing "I want it" and her nodding and saying "duh".). I was 17. I didn't know to ask questions. I didn't know what questions to ask. My herniated disc pressed on my sciatic nerve and was said to be the cause of my chronic nerve pain and that surgery would be the best route to seeing about a solution. My neurologist made me wait over a year after meeting him because I was so young and should easily gounce back and he wanted me to try more PT and go through tests. He also first wanted me to see a psychiatrist because all of this pain could be a coping mechanism.

For so long I thought I was making it up. I had no idea of what I was feeling, when my left foot would feel like it was actually catching fire when I put pressure on the heel of my foot in bed, how my last three toes on my foot were sensitive and couldn't stay warm.

Money. Money. More money. Surgery. I wake up. My settlement money gone from just trying to figure out why I was hurting when I was told I wouldn't. What was this burning sensation? Why couldn't I live without pain medication? Why was I having to tell my mother that I wasn't addicted to the pills and that I needed them.

Diagnosed: Depression/PTSD

Chronic and constant migraines

Fibromyalgia (how many times am I going to see an eye roll from people who actually do not believe I this?)

Is my story important? I'm unsure. But because of the opioid epidemic declared at the beginning of January, and even before then, I've slowly seen access to the medications I need--yes, considered controlled substances--become more difficult and harder to get. I have been lucky, but only because my pain and injuries are more than well documented and because I've plundered more than 50k into medical bills trying to fix it for documentation to exist. I've also been seeing the same doctor since my accident. This doesn't take away from the fact that I am a 25 year old depend on opiates to help my REAL and CHRONIC and CRIPPLING nerve pain/body pain/migraines/etc. I admit to being lucky in so far as you can define the word to my situation. There are those I know who are being ripped off their medications all around me--one, diagnosed for years with depression and with bipolar disorder was taken off a regime of medication that worked for him and had been a solid, study foundation he trusted and was put on a vitamin instead. Another woman had been on the same C2 classified medication for almost 30 years and was taken off of it without any warning, and was sent to a pain management clinic without any help for detoxification and given a prescription for Naproxen.

I am on Medicaid. While working to get my Bachelors degree, I could not work and this is how I've had to support my medical bills. I am grateful, so very grateful for the help this provided me in getting the medical care I cannot afford, but it is also difficult to have medication approved for use. If a dosage is deemed too high or because of the brand, or because of what it is--an opiate medication--I am to try another first.

I haven't had anything taken from me. Not yet.

So why am I scared?

This was the first time, after being prescribed a new medication by my doctor that we were both enthusiastic about helping my quality of life, the insurance company faxed my doctor a form of six other medications I had to try before I could try what my doctor had given me. This could easily be an experience of someone else's, but before my doctor could tell them simply, "No, she has been on this before. She has developed a tolerance/it did not work./etc. and I could usually get what I needed. Like Movantik. TMI or just a lesson for you, because we all have biological functions that are kind of icky, but those of us who are dependent on opioid medication to just survive a damn day without a little bit of pain have a hard freakin' time pooping. Movantik is a medication specifically targeted at opiate induced constipation and while it can be hard on your stomach, it is a god send for me when I'm having a difficult time using the toilet. There are a few kinks, so to say with it, but I cried when I saw there was something like this finally on the market. My insurance tried to basically give me a prescription for Miralax. I have these two big ass--I'm unsure if that's a pun intended to make some of you guys still with me have a good giggle--bottles of Miralax powder that ... mm ...

I've been on medication since I was still considered a teenager. For me, at least, this treatment is not helpful on its own. It makes me cramp and is painful because it does not do enough of what it is supposed to do--as in, it does not bring enough moisture back into my stool so I can easily go to the bathroom.

So I'm scared.

I'm finally back home.

After seven years I have finally graduated. So I'm closer to my doctor's office and we can finally get me onto a medication that better suits my needs than what I'd been given.

I'm put on Embeda. With is a medication that is "higher tech" and "tamper proof". It's an extended release medication that is Morphine Sulfate with 1.2 mg naltrexone hydrochloride. I am currently on a 30 mg dose. I've been on Morphine Sulfate before that was described as a more dangerous medication and one that is considered easier to abuse than this one here. I can't be put on Morphine Sulfate because once my body decides to become dependent on a medication, it sure doesn't like being put back on it in any shape or form.

I was so happy to be put on my intended medication before given this, but I was still hopeful. It's difficult to find something that works and I have a cautious doctor--which I'm not complaining about, thank god--who starts me out on a lower dose so we see how I react. We usually always have to go up. It's all in all, what one could typically chalk up to as a long day. Tiresome. But necessary. Something I'm willing to go through because this is the only thing that has been able to give me any sort of quality of life. I combine it with exercise, acupuncture treatments, and constant chiropractic care (the last two of which are not covered by Medicaid).

But why am I scared? Why have I taken up this much room on your dash? Because it isn't working.

I know I'm not a doctor. But I know my body. The difference between needing a higher dose and a different medication altogether hasn't failed me yet, and I could be wrong about this. Obviously, I could be. I want to be. Because my doctor wants me to try a higher dose before we switch me to another medication on this list.

I'm in so much pain right now because I cannot calm my sciatic nerve damage down right now. It's like my entire left leg and bottom is an inferno. My body is also hot. I'm afraid.

And I simply needed to tell somebody. I have no idea what this will do.

Nothing, most likely. I could get picked on for being a Medicaid recipient, given complete and utter shit for something perceived as wrong or inaccurate in what I have said. I am writing my personal experience. What I am currently going through. And I keep switching from opiate to opioid/s. Maybe someone will tell me I can get this right. Or that I'll be okay. Another could even help me. Or I could get this out to someone else and let them know that this is utter hell and sometimes ... sometimes the pain makes me want to go back and figure out a way around what happened.

Perhaps, I can reach someone else going through chronic pain. Someone seeing the repercussions of this "epidemic" that has been declared. Maybe I can be the one, if they got this far, to say I'm here. I feel like I'm dying, I am crying, and I wish someone would help me, but I will live. And I have a hand for you to hold.

God I just want some help. It's unbearable tonight. I never thought I'd post about this. Like I said, I don't propose to have knowledge. I'm speaking from a point in time that is filtering itself through pain.

I just wish to know ... is there someone like me? Getting that evil look when you step out the car and "take away" a handicapped spot from "someone who could really use it", terrified of the sort of pain and overwhelming sadness that comes from one moment in your life you had no control over (that I don't even remember), forgetting your pride to ask for gas to make it to even get the scripts that may not work for you in the first place. Laying in bed and writing in hopes of finding community. Tired. Hurting.

xx lyndz

#my head is all over the place i just have no idea what to do guys #fears #meds #life #sad #flustered #migraines #did i get anywhere with this?#depression #ptsd #injuries #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #car accident #other tags i cant even think of #long post #writing

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comfort--cafe · 6 years

Note

So I see all this stuff about self- care while you're depressed and all that, but... where's the advice about how to become un-depressed? (If you could provide some please)

Salutations!

I’mgoing to be completely honest here, since lying or sugar coating won’t help thesituation.

Idon’t know.

ClinicalPsychology (clinical knowledge for the purpose ofunderstanding, preventing, and relieving psychologically based distress ordysfunction and to promote subjective well-being and personal development) isstill a relatively new science in terms of what is learnt.

Whilethere has been medieval studies and experiments based around the cognitiveability of the human brain, actual proper treatment and therapy for disorders isstill a mostly undiscovered field. There is still so much we don’t know aboutthe brain and its functions, the fact that electroshock therapy can still beused for serve depression and other mental illness in our current time showsthat we are still trying to learn about ourselves.

Thereare still massive changes occurring in the DMS (Diagnosticand Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The fact that homosexuality wasremoved only in 1973 (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4695779/), proves this. That was 44 years ago,individuals are still alive from that era of time. Another fact, BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) was undergoing a lot of changes in the DMS-5in 2013. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201112/borderline-personality-disorder-big-changes-in-the-dsm-5)

So, whilethere’s a lot of advancements in psychology, there is still a lot left to theunknown.

Thiscomes back to your question, based off what I’ve learnt from others this iswhat is currently occurring.

Whentalking about mental illnesses and disorders, you normally come underneath twocategories.

Episodic:periods of good health interrupted by periods of illness ordisability (mostly caused by external factors influencing an individual)

Chronic:persisting for a long time or constantly recurring (can becaused by a mixture of things, genetics, childhood, chemical imbalances)

Nowwhat’s important is understanding the difference between the two.

Episodic,like defined, occurs for a period of time. This period of time can be as longor as extended as possible. It’s undefined with how long it will occur or lastfor, but the main point with episodic illness is that they can be resolved.

Chronic,however, lasts forever. It is constant and occur throughout an entire life, orit can come in episodic periods but still remain throughout a person’s entirelife.

I like tothink of it as a light switch, it can be turned off and on. But the electricityrunning behind it is still running in order to turn that switch on and off bywill. (Chronic)

Chronicillnesses, cannot be resolved as no recent studies have found a true cure forchronic illness. HOWEVER, they can be managed through therapy, counselling,medication, self-care, and other means.

So, anexample of an episodic mental illness would be episodic depression, a persongoes through depression for a series of their life. Extremely common.

Then thereis chronic depression, it occurs constantly and throughout their life. There iscurrently no cure for removing or completely resolving it.

Anotherexample of a chronic mental illness would be schizophrenia, only about 1% ofthe population have a chronic illness (http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/clinical/chronic.htm). However, 1/5 individuals haveexperience an episodic period of mental illnesses.

And evenstill, it’s still very difficult to decipher when a mental illness can beconsidered chronic or episodic, there are a lot of factors that influence thesedecisions. Factors that I’m not qualified or knowledgeable enough toconfidently provide.

If you are seriously considering that you may be suffering fromeither a chronic or episodic illness, always refer to a psychologist orcounsellor. They will have a series of tests they can provide to you which canhelp you understand exactly what you are going through. A lot of this is stillbeing testing and being hypothesized. But the official professors who havestudied extensively in this field would have a better understanding than I do.

So,I apologise. I cannot give you a direct clear answer. We just haven’t hadenough time to understand the human brain and truly resolve issues resolving incognitive behaviour. I cannot be confident in my answer, but I can tell youwhat I’ve personally learnt and studied.

Andeven still! With individual differences such as up-brining, genetics, cognitiveability, etc. Each medication and therapy session are a different experience toeach individual. So even with the term episodic and chronic, it can becontradicting if a treatment can never be concluded due to all of the variablefactors that are combined into one person.

Allwe can do, is provide generalised answers that have proven to help others.Which, may or may not help you. Additionally, come up with individualtreatments that can reduce these symptoms of depression, anxiety, bipolar, or schizophrenia.

BUT,I don’t want to leave this on a bleak note.

Eventhough right now, this hasn’t been exactly helpful or positive. Living with amental illness or disorder isn’t the end. It’s terrifying having that lingeringdoubt inside your head, unsure if you could ever truly recover or understandyour own self.

So,it does look rather bleak, but it isn’t the end. Anyone can surpass thesuffering and pain of a mental illness through reinforcement and the help ofothers, and most importantly learning how to help themselves. This is whyself-care is so important.

Therapy,medication, and counselling won’t completely resolve your mental illness (orsometimes it does), but rather, it’s meant to teach your techniques and skillsto help teach you how to manage and cope through these mental illness symptoms.People have accomplished amazing things while suffering, people have createdmeaningful things while suffering through that pain. Now, while that is themand that isn’t you. It does prove and shows that it is possible.

What’simportant is never giving up, and always achieving to become greater and betterthan the day before. It’s hard, and difficult, and annoying, but it’s what’sneeds to be done.

I hope this answers your question! Or at least provide you some information on it.

Now, I’m not a professional psychologist. I’ve only known people who havestudied psychology and have given me a few pieces of information here and there.If there are any official psychologist out there reading this post, or anyonewith a degree of knowledge in this field of science. I would be extremely interestedin hearing your opinion in this question. This question is something I’ve alsobeen thinking about myself quite often, so having it come from an official sourcewould be not only helpful for this site but also for this community.

Thank you for ordering at thecomfort-café!

Come visit us again anytime!

Mod Chef

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othercat2 · 6 years

Text

Update of Current Events

crossposted from here.

So, this is the time of year where I:

Deal with my subsidized housing/lease renewal.

Try to renew my AHCCCS (medicaid).

This is added to the brand new stressor of:

Attempting to apply for disability/SSI.

So I am bipolar (which boils down to being really really anxious and/or really really depressed for me) and may or may not be Attention Deficit and/or on the Autistic Spectrum. (I do not have an official diagnosis, but my therapist who I've been seeing since roughly 2013 feels that either or both is likely, and I seem to have been officially diagnosed with various symptoms by the doctors at my case manager's clinic that are often symptoms of either ADD or Autism, without having been diagnosed as Autistic or having ADD. This is because the case manager's clinic only deals with mental illnesses not with Autism or ADD.

(This year I was supposed to try to get assistance/diagnosis but I wasn't able to get into contact with former schools that might have or be able to help me get school records. Also everything else was going on.)

So, today I was supposed to go to the clinic to meet with the benefits specialist supervisor and renew my AHCCCS. (The clinic does not currently have its own benefits specialist because the current benefits specialist is on medical leave.) The supervisor had to postpone because of a family emergency, which means I was running around like a chicken with it's head off for the past couple days trying to get everything I needed, for almost nothing. (Almost because I will at least have what I need NEXT WEEK. which is when the meeting has been postponed to.) I was however able to get my bus pass for the next month.

As far as making a second attempt at applying for SSI, everything has been sent to where it needs to go, and I have signed everything that needs to be signed. I probably won't hear about it for a few weeks, maybe even months. This time around I have a lawyer.

In other news, I was able to get a new laptop after the old laptop died. Sadly, the "new" computer is just as old as the old computer, and has expressed a deep dislike for doing a number of things.

It decided it didn't want to run the Microsoft anti-virus program. (It kept turning it off.)

It developed a deep hatred for the Discord App, so I have to use the in-browser version.

It decided to blue screen multiple times.

It freezes or at least goes VERY SLOOOOOW periodically.

At one point it decided that the keyboard didn't need to be working. (restarting the computer made it work.)

It caused my friend J to have the anxieties because he didn't know how to fix the damn thing. (He is the one who usually helps me with the computer.)

So I am hoping that this year I can get to the point where I can actually save money for a NEW new laptop before this thing dies on me.

The subsidized housing specialist had trouble figuring out my income. (I keep telling them I don't actually have a regular income.) I tried to initially give her my Paypal and bank statements, but she said she didn't need them. THEN she emails me saying she didn't know how to calculate my income. So I sent her a long email explaining ONCE AGAIN I don't have a regular income. I have someone who was originally going to help me pay for essentials like toilet paper and underwear and food when the foodstamps run out, but they (the organization/company handling my subsidized housing) decided that was an income and started charging me x amount of dollars which meant I couldn't save any money to get the damned toilet paper and underwear and extra food when the foodstamps ran out. (I got overdrawn. I am not happy about getting overdrawn.

I ended up sending her the entire year's worth of of statements again. I think she still hasn't gotten the amount figure out. I have however signed the lease.

I did manage to get SOME writing done, but not for the original fic project, which is disappointing. (I am experiencing the very special anxiety where you get good reviews that you don't quite agree with because they make you doubt your characterization because anxiety brain is an epic asshole.)

I cannot brain or words very much.

On the other hand, Thanksgiving was lovely. (I had two bottle of hard cider and did not die because meds. Whoo!)

#real life #fml

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linkspooky · 7 years

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Touka Kirishima and the Rotting Womb

The two biggest pieces of evidence for what is next about to happen to Touka lies in the colored cover art for this chapter of Tokyo Ghoul, and a poem translated by michi here [x] attached to the Yomo, Touka and Ayato birthday art.

Starting with the art, the most immediate eye catching area is Touka’s bloodied stomach.

Blood on the stomach is typically a feminine symbol, it does not have to necessarily mean being stabbed through the stomach. It could also mean menustruation and miscarriage, however, what comes to mind with deliberately invoking a symbol of miscarriage on Touka is what miscarriage means in a literal sense “A new life being cut short.”

Returning to the top of the image, those are white sakura blossoms with the phrase “Bloom for me, a flower of my own.”

Cherry or Sakura blossoms in japanese culture have a lot of meanings, but the most relevant to the situation is this one:

Cherry blossoms are a symbolic flower of the spring, a time of renewal, and the fleeting nature of life. Their life is very short. After their beauty peaks around two weeks, the blossoms start to fall. [x]

This meaning of a “beautiful life cut short” could possibly apply to Touka if there were upcoming danger to her, or even to her and Kaneki’s relationship if their sudden chance at growth was taken away by Mutsuki’s interference. For example in the film 5 cm per second, cherry blossoms were used to symbolize a promising new relationship cut short.

Touka’s even referred to within this same chapter as beautiful, once again.

One thing I will note though is that the words:

“Bloom for me, a flower of my own”

Become foreboding if you realize that flowers in Tokyo Ghoul, and especially flowers blooming have always been a shorthand symbol for blood splatter and tragedy.

They were used here:

and here:

finally here:

Finally though, to the poem. The birthday poem written by Ishida is entitled: “ Her womb smelled like it was burnt.”

Which goes along nicely with the miscarriage and feminine symbolism already being associated with Touka in this image. A lot of the allusions described in this poem also correspond to events that have been happening recently in canon.

To the point where I am now convinced that the narrator of the poem rather than Kaneki, is Touka herself.

The children who were meant to be born, died. The vision of the future convulses. Someone declared that they’ll crush only half of the broad bean. The gene is in a severe bipolar state. The nucleic acid sequence having no recollection of its own actions.

The children who were meant to be born could be referring to the ghouls from Aogiri. Touka herself is witness not only to ghouls and children being born into this world dying early, even herself being subjected to violence early as a child as CCG officers tried to kill her.

Someone declared they will only crush half the broad bean is Kaneki. It’s two of his most famous lines combined together “I’ll only half kill you” and “I’ll pluck the rotted beans.”

The gene is in a severe bipolar state is also Kaneki, somebody who switches haphazardly between his ghoul and human sides even though he claims to be a person who can see both humans and ghouls. Bipolar is usually associated is Bipolar Manic Depression the mental illness, but the root of the word means “Two poles” or two opposite ends.

The nucleic acid sequence having no recollection of its own actions, that’s Haise. He had the same body as Kaneki, and the same mismatch of DNA, however he could not remember what it was he had done and Touka had to witness him in his memoryless state.

All of the fingers that were supposed to be connected from start to end, are scattered around; it’s annoying.

If you look closely at the knot, you can see that it can be surprisingly easy to untie.

This is referring to Touka’s family itself, even the threadbare remaints of it, Yomo, Ayato and herself she has a difficult time trying to keep them all together. All Touka wants is for the people to love to stay around and love her in return, and she feels also that her family should have stuck around, it should have been simple but actually the ties of family aren’t so binding and they easily unwind, both Ayato and Yomo left her at different points.

I was always asked to keep the switch.

Go forward. Go back. Stop.

I can hear my voice from the mouth. That voice gave me a feeling of discomfort and it had become extremely disgusting but, no one noticed that and everyone was under the impression that it was indeed, my voice.

This is the three years of waiting Touka did. ‘Asked to keep the switch’ could refer to Touka having to host Re: and sit back and wait as the rendezvous point for both Ayato and Kaneki to eventually return to while they were allowed to move brashly ahead on their own. Even after they return though, Touka is still asked to hang back and monitor communications rather than allowing her to fight in the field.

The result is a Touka who acts much differently from the Touka we know today, and Kaneki even comments as such. The person who could act decisively and boldly for herself, the one who was always moving ahead of him scared him. It sounds a bit different to the Touka we know now in :Re who is acting as an advice dispenser and a passive source of guidance, standing in the place of Yoshimura.

The Touka that years of loneliness and abandonment has been conditioned into this current state.

Everybody accepts this change in Touka, but does Touka herself accept it? She’s at least still disatisfied with having to hang back, telling both Ayato and Kaneki when they tried to leave her out of critical moments to protect her that they didn’t need to.

Sin is irresponsible. I’m getting tired of being forgiven. My shoulders have even forgotten about my legs.

I open the door with the side of my arm.

The path that I should’ve advanced in is gone and darkness pulled onto the horizon that lay right beneath it.

This is another direct reference, when Touka was in the doorway with Yomo, Yomo explained to her that Koma and Irimi needed to die because their sins were unforgivable, but at the same time she countered why were her sins forgiven then?

“Come on, come on! Come on, come on!”

Go forward. Go back. Stop.

I can hear my voice from the bones.

“Did you know that our voice is the mixed voices from dad and mom? No wonder it’s so disgusting.”

The last part is Touka in reference to her father. Touka’s always had complex feelings about Arata, but lately she has been turning away from him entirely because she sees his decisions as what led to her abandonment.

Touka does not want to acknowledge the actions of a man who fought for a mother she barely remembers, a mother who died because of murders she did a long time ago. Despite not choosing to be, she was born a ghoul who carries the sins of those two previous ghouls as well. Touka’s always dealt with self disgust for being born a ghoul, and also her own actions.

I pinched my nose and jumped down without a pause. Just like how a child would when jumping into a pool.

Even the never-stopping rain, even the never-breaking night, even the never-ending agony.

It’s surely there, it’s just that it wasn’t there until now.

Falling down, falling down. It’s as if right has become left.

And on the brink of collision, I recall Björk’s song,

I think this is where we are at at the poem, Touka has dived in by basically lying it all bare in front of Kaneki. Approaching the point of collision could be Mutsuki, a final collision between those two plot lines.

As for a Bjork song, most assume that song is Hyperballad, the song played during the New Year’s livestream. The lyrics are a bit abstract, but basically it is about a girl throwing away things off a mountain, pieces of herself so she can be happy with someone else. At some point in the song she also considers throwing herself off of the mountain too.

I follow with my eyes 'til they crash Imagine what my body would sound like Slamming against those rocks When it lands Will my eyes Be closed or open?

I go through all this Before you wake up So I can feel happier To be safe up here with you [x]

I would say all of this foreshadowing at least points to Touka’s dissatisfaction and possibly the confrontation causing her to lose consciousness. She might even throw herself in front of Kaneki to protect him, since the person in the poem and the song both willingly throw themselves.

In conclusion though, what does a rotting womb mean in association with Touka? It means that new life that could be born from her, has suddenly hit a stopping point and that stagnation is causing her to rot. What that could mean in literal terms though, we’ll have to see as the events unfold.

#meta #tg meta #touka kirishima #kaneki ken #tokyo ghoul re #tokyo ghoul #tokyo ghoul theory

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