had a really interesting convo yesterday about ethics and whether intent or results matters (eg if you tried to make an ethical purchasing choice but the business was actually exploitative as hell, does that "count") and very much came to the conclusion that sure, if you're concerned with your personal immortal soul, as a christian might be, then intention counts. but if what you're focused on is your impact on the world, then intention means nothing if the actions have negative results, right? (that doesn't mean you're to blame for them! you didn't know! but you also don't get "ethics points" for trying, you know?)

and this also got me thinking about the whole christian idea that sinful thoughts are as bad as sinful actions because. they're just not imo. maybe for the sake of your Immortal Soul they are points against you, if that's your jam. but in terms of putting good into the world, in terms of your impact on other people, the ONLY thing that matters is what you choose to do with those thoughts. there is no way that "was kind to someone who was pissing me off, for the sake of community harmony" or "helped an acquaintance with a task even though I felt resentful about the time spent doing that" is a Bad Thing for the world

and it made me wonder how much purity culture and thought policing is rooted in (mostly evangelical) cultural christianity and this idea that ethical choices are an individual thing because what matters is the impact of them on YOUR soul and not, you know, things we do because of what we owe the world around us / because of love for others / because a world where people are trying to put good into it is a hell of a lot nicer to live in than one where people are only worried about themselves

i grew up evangelical but like. fairly mild evangelical and even though there wasn't a big focus on hell and stuff, i definitely fixated on imperfect thoughts and behaviours that were putting absolutely no harm into the world, rather than focusing on what i could do to put good into it, and that individualistic vs outward-focused approach to morality has been something i've grappled with a lot as an adult. but i never really thought about it as simply as this and really that's what it boils down to. are you making the ethical choice because you're trying to put good in the world, or because it would make you a "good person" to do so? because the answer to that 100% defines whether it's the thought or the result that counts

On this most Star Wars of days, I feel compelled to disgorge my Jedi Thoughts, which have been building inside of me for a couple of years now, ever since I rewatched the whole series.

Now, all this is, I believe, explicitly anti-canonical. From what I understand, the history of the Jedi is pretty thoroughly explored and explained in various bits of current canon, and none of it looks like this, but this is my an extrapolation based on back-engineering what is presented in the core films, which I find very compelling. So:

THE FORCE: First up, my idea of the force. I personally see it as a flow of energy, constantly in motion. A river made up from billions interconnected currents of change and destiny. This flow is about both life and death, pain and joy, and too much of one without the other will cause the flow to stagnate. It has no actual moral core, and resists both the shackles of an oppressive dystopia, but also the crystalline stillness of a utopia. It is strongest in places like Endor or Tatooine, where life is hard and somewhat lawless, and is, in many ways, an anarchistic force that resists rigid order.

LIGHT SIDE/DARK SIDE: I see the light/dark side dichotomy as one that rests on how one uses the force. The light side is about moving with the force, following and channelling its flow, while the dark side is about harnessing it and making the force bend to your will. While there is technically nothing inherently evil about the dark side, violently making the very essence of life bend to your will is addictive, and obviously makes you far more comfortable with doing similar things to people. The light side is also more subtle, as in my interpretation of the Jedi mind trick, for instance, it is about guiding the force in someone towards a conclusion that they were already considering. The force choke, however, is always going to be dark side (even though it's actually no more harmful than chopping someone with a lightsaber) because the force is never naturally going to harm someone directly, so you are always wrenching it into a shape you want it.

EARLY JEDI: So, I don't see the force as having a conscious will, but it has a shape and a direction, and part of that is creating people to regulate itself. To deal with blockages or stagnation, and keep the force flowing. Like a massive magic pipe system instinctively birthing its own plumbers. This is what the early Jedi were. They almost certainly had basically no formal idea of their purpose, but would be guided by visions and the flow of the force, trusting that their path would lead them where they needed to be and surrendering themselves to it. I imagine a proto-Jedi as a vagabond figure of both hope and terror. If your planet is under a brutal fascist regime, one might turn up and fight their leader to the death, but a continent might burn in the process and they would do nothing to help rebuild in the ensuing chaos that followed. The flow of the Force, of life and death, was restored, and they were drifting onwards.

ATTACHMENTS: Now, a key part of fully surrendering yourself to the Force as the early Jedi would do is accepting death, including your own and that of those you care for. When the force moves towards your end you can have no hesitation in accepting it. Because of this, early Jedi avoided attachments as a natural extension of their actions and philosophy. A leaf cannot blow in the wind if it is still attached to the branch. Unfortunately in the later, more formal, Jedi order, this became codified into a forceable rejection of any feelings at all, as well as a contradiction, since you were meant to be part of the galactic community as (let’s be real) space cops, but also have no connection to it.

PADAWANS: One of the things about the Jedi order of the Republic that strikes me as a real holdover from the old ways is the padawan system. The one-on-one apprenticeship doesn't make much sense with the centralised temple and training school, but it makes absolute sense as part of the drifter Jedi way. You blow with the force, and when it guides a force-sensitive youth in your path, you take them with you. They leave their family (likely dead because the force be like that) and travel with you, learning the ways of a Jedi and eventually setting out on their own. Maybe when you die. And the cycle continues.

THE JEDI ORDER: Now, if you've been following my logic thus far, you can probably immediately see the original sin of the Jedi order that has an official role within the Galactic Republic. Not only do they ally themselves with a bureaucratic mega-government, but they begin to calcify and become static and stagnant. By the time of the prequels, they are actively gathering all the force-sensitive children in the galaxy to them as a matter of course. Now the rich, flowing tapestry of the force is all being deliberately directed through a single temple on Coruscant. The Jedi, who once worked to maintain the flow of the force and destroy what blocked it, have now become the biggest blockage there has ever been. And eventually the force does the only thing it can - it destroys them.

QUI-GON JINN: To my mind, Qui-Gon Jinn is the one Jedi from the Republic Era that is closest to the old ways. In fact, given that the council sees him as something of a radical, we might extrapolate he is one of the last proponents of it as a proper school of thought within the order. Watch how he interacts with people on Tatooine - he rarely pushes anything, always gently pressing to find out what direction the force wants him to go (I can't buy the hyperdrive? Ok, so what instead? Something to do with the boy? A pod race? Alright then.) Dude is constantly "Yes, and"ing the eternal flow of life energy. I guess my point is that he, like all the old Jedi, is basically an RPG PROTAGONIST!

Boom! That's my secret thesis! That the old Jedi operated like a fucking Fallout PC: constantly exploring dialogue trees and their locations, looking for the critical path the force (writer) has laid out for them. The force is, conveniently, also the flow of narrative.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the force and the old Jedi. Thanks for reading this whole damn essay. I just really needed to get them out of my head.

BONUS THOUGHTS - DJ: Hey, remember Benicio Del Toro's character in The Last Jedi? I bet you didn't know his name was actually "DJ". Anyway, he is to my mind the closest we ever see to what an old Jedi might have looked like, which makes absolute sense in the Empire, where a powerful force sensitive might have grown up with no training or knowledge of what they were - just an instinctive sense of things working out when they "go with the flow". He wanders breezily through the world, always turning up at just the right time, holding no allegiance to anything or anyone, betraying his new friends when it seemed necessary in such a way that it (accidentally) leads to the resolution of several major storylines.

"They blow you up today, you blow them up tomorrow." (Finn) "You're wrong." "Maybe."

To me, this is such astounding force energy. I firmly believe DJ to be the most powerful Jedi that ever wasn't.

Each other's lifeline

Notes

Are you excited? I sure am! I love this series quite a lot, after all.

Do be careful, there're some self-esteem issues and self-deprecation here. One word: Nightmare. Doesn't need any explaining.

。。。

First steps

Nightmare vaguely remembers coming around a few more times, just for a few seconds at a time. He couldn't hear or see anything, and the darkness — or lack of any stimuli at all — didn't help him stay conscious, he supposes. That, and the kind person said something about him needing his sleep, saving strength?..

"Me? Kind? You're so messed up, kiddo, you've no idea…" they respond immediately, almost as if they waited for him to think something. Anything.

"I was," the voice confirms. "Not much to do without your consent. It's your body I possess after all. The negativity wants some action though, so not sure I'd be able to resist much longer. You're the warrior, not me."

The warrior?.. What are they talking about? It's just him. Weak, stupid, worthless him. He couldn't even do one job right. Now all's lost 'cause of him.

"Hey, none of that! From what I gathered from your memories, you're pretty amazing! You went through hell you didn't deserve yet never once stopped to even wish your tormentors harm. And you love your brother more than anything. It's admirable how loyal you are. You're definitely a much better person than I ever was. You are intelligent, too. It's not your fault that no one taught you to stay away from the golden apples. The previous guardian could've warned you two, at least. She's the adult, you two are mere kids who didn't know better. We don't even know if it's a lost cause yet; Dream got that last golden apple, after all. And the Multiverse hasn't collapsed yet, so that's good, am I right? Maybe the balance is upset, but we don't even know that for sure. It'll be okay, I'm sure we'll figure something out. You always do. You're smart like that."

Nightmare thinks he would've blushed if he could. Maybe cried, just a little; it's the kindest words he's ever heard not from his brother, after all. He has all the reasons to do just that.

You really think we could do it?..

"If not us then who?" they ask in return. "But first we should do something about the rampaging negativity. It's getting restless. You think I could go to a universe or two spread some fear and chaos?"

They really could just go and do whatever they want, now that Nightmare has no means to access his own body — or what's left of it, anyway. Instead they decide to stay and ask permission. To communicate. It's… exhilarating, somewhat. Nightmare's never been given the choice before. Even if it's not much of a choice this time — either he goes with the voice's plan or the negativity takes hold of the both of them, which is… less than desirable. Its mindless cruelty would destroy the last remnants of hope they have. No, they can't afford to lose control even for a moment. It's a team effort.

"Damn right it is! I won't let you down, kid. Promise."

It's so weird to share every thought with someone he barely knows… How does it even work? Nightmare can't hear their thoughts, after all. 

"No idea. Magic, I guess, and maybe something to do with me being the one in control. Maybe, if you were the one controlling the body, I would be the one with all my thoughts out in the open? Although I do hear you quite distantly, if you don't concentrate on getting the message to me. It's mostly background noise."

Good to know. It means if Nightmare ever gains control back, he likely wouldn't be too distracted by the voice. As great as their company is.

"Aw, I like you too, kid! And I'm rooting for you there. As nice as it is to have the ability to walk and talk back, it's your body, and you're very much alive to have it. To be honest, some part of me hoped you wouldn't make it after all; then I'd have a body of my own…" Anxiety and pain pierce through Nightmare's mind; do they really want him gone? "Stop that! Don't get me wrong, I just… it's hard being a tree after being a human, you know? And I'm really not all that kind. Or nice. Or… good in general. I'm a selfish piece of crap, you see?"

It feels like they want to continue that string of thought, but Nightmare doesn't let them. You helped me, he thinks in the smallest of voices. Possibly saved my life. So no. I don't see. 

They laugh; it's a light-hearted, warm kind. "You are obviously a sweetheart. How those jerks didn't see it is beyond me. They got what they deserved though. Now's your turn." 

What do you mean? 

"Freedom, of course! Not complete, you're stuck with the negativity for now, but… Even that's not so bad. We're strong now, you know? Can do whatever we want, as long as the negativity is satisfied. And we're about to find out what we need for that. So, am I to go cause some havoc? You in for a ride, kid?"

There's no going back, Nightmare thinks, as confidently as he can, might as well go forward. Let's do it. 

"Great! I don't have a certain plan yet, but I can feel the negativity from the worlds around ours so that's something. Probably might help with moving around?.. No idea yet. What do you think?" 

Hm. Let me think. 

The negativity of the other worlds, they say?.. Perhaps they could indeed use it. As a road, maybe? Or a beacon of sorts. Something that shows the way. It's amazing that they might be able to travel the worlds, especially considering Nightmare's never been far from the Tree, ever. The mere idea is fascinating, even though he wouldn't be able to see or hear anything. One day he would, and that's what he chooses to focus on. The future isn't all dark. There's something to look forward to.

I think you could try pulling the negativity. Not too hard, just enough for it to show itself for you to follow its path, Nightmare finally concludes. If that doesn't work, they'll just try something else. If only things always were this easy as they are with this person… 

"Worth trying at least. Let me just… oh." 

What? Nightmare asks, nervously. 

"It's weird. Like I know where to go. How to go. But I haven't the slightest idea! It's like my own mind moves ahead of itself. Is it what they call intuition?" 

Nightmare doesn't know how to answer that. Besides, he doesn't feel anything at all, and the description isn't the best. Would be hard to theorise. 

"It's okay though. You don't have to have all the answers, you know? I'll just do what feels right, I guess. Then we'll see what happens next." 

If anything changes, Nightmare isn't able to feel it. He's completely detached from reality, it seems. It's scary, this void where basic sensations would have been normally. Is he even alive? How can they be sure he is?.. 

"Don't work yourself up, kid. We don't want a panic attack, do we?"

They're right. Nightmare shouldn't give up. I think therefore I am, was it? That means he's alive, and he's not alone, and together, they'll figure this out.

What happened? He asks, uncertain but determined. 

"Well, we did it. Your advice worked. We're in a different world. Congrats to us, I guess." 

They don't sound too enthusiastic though. 

"That's because I'm not. Cautious, more like. It is a new world, after all. Who knows what dangers await." 

That's fair, Nightmare guesses. He focuses, How exactly do you think it worked? Can you do it again? 

"I'm really not sure, kid. But I'll try later. Let's investigate!" 

They don't have a plan, but at least they don't rush into it head-first. Good enough, as far as Nightmare's concerned. 

Can you see anything? Anyone? 

"You know what? Not… really. It's dusty here. And eerily silent. Monster dust?" 

The thought makes Nightmare sick. Yeah, this person possessing his body just killed everyone in the village, there's bound to be human blood and monster dust, but… they escaped their wrecked world. Why should anywhere else be the same? Is it wrong of him to wish for something less… destructive?.. violent?.. He doesn't know what word to use here. It's not like it matters. There's only one person he can share it with, and they hear his thoughts mostly unfiltered. 

"Oh hey, I see someone!" they call out after a while; Nightmare isn't even sure if they were moving around or stayed in the same place. "They don't look too friendly though."

Are they the source of the negativity that led us here, then? Nightmare asks, just to be certain. 

"Sure thing, kid! There's no one else anyway, it seems." 

That's… good, Nightmare thinks. If they're already distressed enough, nobody needs to intervene. Nobody needs to get hurt. 

"Should I approach them?" the voice asks, somewhat gently. Genuinely caring about Nightmare's opinion. 

Do they look safe? I don't want a fight when you have no idea what you're capable of. We should experiment before trying anything, don't you think? 

"You know what, you're right. Approaching now is just asking for trouble. I'll stay low. Thanks for keeping me in line, kid. This whole situation is a mess." 

I'm a mess though, Nightmare chuckles unhappily. Way messier than all of this. If it weren't for me, we wouldn't even be here. 

"Well, yes, but also, for me, it's nice to have a body again. And I didn't have to kill a kid for that. We co-exist. So there's that. It's good, isn't it?" 

And it is. It really, really is. Nightmare doesn't want to die, no matter how bad everything seems. He's depressed but not suicidal. He has Dream, and the kind voice believes in him, and there's a Tree to fix.

But for now, while the voice feeds off of this world's negativity, Nightmare allows himself to drift away to sleep. If he hopes to ever gain access to his body, he needs all the energy he can get.

"Rest, kiddo. I'll be there when you wake up. We'll find a safe place and run all the experiments you can think of. Get to know our limits and all that stuff." 

It's a promise.

They'll figure it out. One way or another. But certainly together.

It's… nice to finally not be alone. Pride shines through uncertainty and doubts — he's already helped, and so fast, too! So there's that, as the voice said.

There's that.

。。。

Notes

Nightmare and the voice interacting in this fic is the best thing to happen to me, I swear to gods. I love Nightmare and the voice's interaction in general, be it positive or negative, but here? Such a treat. Perfection. I love those two with all my heart. They deserve the world.

。。。

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The Interconnectedness of Science and Nature

Science and nature are things that are inexplicably intertwined. Science provides the methodological framework behind nature. Nature interpretation bridges the gap between scientific research and public understanding. Whether measuring bird migration, population census, or the molecular makeup of a mushroom, interpretation translates the intricacies of science into something we can all comprehend. Scientific knowledge should be accessible to everyone and that is where nature interpretation takes its role.

When interpreting science, it’s important that we remain conscious of the words we use. “Jargon” is a term used to describe the unnecessarily complicated language that scientific professionals often use. This can act as an ‘othering’ of the outside world, keeping those who are not worthy of understanding out. In 2020, a study conducted by Shulman et al. split up 650 participants into groups that were asked to read paragraphs with varying levels of scientific jargon and then rate their experience. Those who read jargon-heavy text said they were less likely to seek out further information and that they are not good at science (Shulman et al., 2020). Thus, the use of jargon discourages people from learning and seeking out academic material. This, I feel, is exactly what we should be trying to avoid as scientists and interpreters. What purpose does research give if only a select group can understand the findings? The goal of researchers and educators should be to widen their audience, not narrow it.

In my own life, nature and science converge frequently. When out in nature I am always using my knowledge of how these beautiful things come to be and how they reproduce and grow. Having a background in biology helps me appreciate the complexity of nature. I can understand how two seemingly unrelated species or processes complement each other in a symbiotic relationship, allowing me to cherish the interconnectedness of the natural world. Likewise, learning about science has given me the skills to think critically about the world around me. This is a very important skill to have and certainly comes in handy when interpreting nature. Critical thinking allows me to approach nature with curiosity and leads me to think beyond the face value of a simple sunset. Lastly, being aware of my actions and how they affect the environment is something that I consider to be crucial for someone who considers themself a “nature lover”. Can one truly appreciate nature without considering how their actions may have harm against it? We are in a time of over-consumption that is hard to escape but being aware of what is in the products we consume and making conscious decisions to modify them is a small step that we can all be taking. Hopefully, by educating ourselves about our impact on the environment we will feel a need to take responsibility, whether that’s by doing further research, consuming less or switching to more sustainable options, or participating in citizen science initiatives.

Shulman, H. C., Dixon, G. N., Bullock, O. M., & Colón Amill, D. (2020). The effects of jargon on processing fluency, self-perceptions, and scientific engagement. Journal of Language and Social Psychology, 39(5–6), 579–597. https://doi.org/10.1177/0261927x20902177

hii im the intrusive thoughts anon. could you explain like, more further why it wouldn't work? what it feels like? what its like for the shard of me that is shouldering the thoughts? I don't mean to argue I just want to know more truly why it's not a horrible last resort I can pursue, considering the dire circumstances.

a large part of the problem is the nature of intrusive thoughts and ocd itself. while it is true that people with OCD do tend to have stronger and more common intrusive thoughts than people without it, the main problem is that your brain has locked itself into a pattern of thought > reaction > compulsion. a lot of people think the issue is the triggering thought, but it is actually the reaction and resulting compulsion that are the issue. without changing how you react, very little is going to change. our entire system continues to have intrusive thoughts but only a couple of us are particularly affected by them.

another problem is that intentional splitting/creation of headmates in order to give them certain roles/traits/personalities is... difficult, and they never turn out exactly as you 'plan' for them to. hell, cyneric and caim were supposed to be the same headmate and their personalities turned out like water and oil, and i never expected zathrian to be so aggressively possessive.

as for what it would feel like for the one taking on the thoughts, frankly caim isn't actually bothered by the violent thoughts that were given to it at the time, but the ocd adapted and decided to go for things that do bother it and we're having to work out how to deal with having sexual intrusive thoughts basically constantly when it's out because it's sex repulsed so of course the thoughts would go there

the issue i brought up in that other post was more specifically about the fact that you wanted to repress that part of yourself if you split it off. for this i suppose i will put it the way i did to a different system's host who was struggling with most of their alters being persecutors at the time;

imagine being a thinking, conscious being with your own wants and needs, but being locked away in someone else's head. you have no one to talk to, not even the one person who even knows you exist will actually acknowledge you or what you want. how would you feel in that position? it is not surprising for resentment to grow under such conditions

i would not necessarily discourage you trying to become a system if all other avenues of help are outside of your grasp at this point in time. specific OCD informed therapy with a good therapist is obviously the best case scenario, but it's also pretty rare to get ahold of, and i recognize that many of the other options are either impossible to get or risk making things worse.

but if you start off your relationship with the mind you want to bring into the world by antagonizing them, it will likely cause the both of you more pain than if you hadn't. at the least in terms of harm reduction my advice would be to show both them and yourself as much kindness as you can, to build a relationship on companionship and help for each other rather than for them to simply shoulder your burdens in silence

the only other thing i want to say is to remind you that these thoughts are not who you are. they do not dictate your morals, your actions, the safety of the people around you or anything about you other than just the fact you have them. i know it's kinda the whole point of them that that is hard to believe, but it is still true.

i know this is hard, i know it sucks so much shit, and i'm sorry you're struggling with this. you deserve peace and kindness, no matter what this illness tells you otherwise.

The Quiet Detriment of Eiji’s Innocence on Ash

So I recently had a conversation in the comments section of my Banana Fish story on a03 “Wandering in Endless Night”, and it got me thinking a little about Eiji’s relationship with Ash, and how while the fandom rightfully focuses on the positive aspects of it, and what Eiji was able to give Ash, namely the knowledge of what it is to be loved without condition, it also got me thinking about how, in some respects, and tragically, Eiji’s presence in Ash’s life also was detrimental to him. 

The conversation entailed a discussion over why Ash becomes so angry at Shorter in the story “Angel Eyes”, for judging him and his actions in seducing Ricardo.  And it made me realize that it isn’t that Ash is angry at Shorter, but rather, he’s ashamed of himself, and Shorter’s judgement of his actions serve only to reinforce these already deep seated feelings of self-loathing that weigh Ash down.  Ash is so clearly afraid of becoming like the people who abuse him.  He fears turning in to people like Dino, or Marvin, or Foxx.  People who are true sadists.  People who hurt others for no reason other than their own pleasure.  Ash is forced to live in the same world that these people occupy, and he fights constantly against becoming like them.  And so when Shorter tells Ash that him manipulating Ricardo makes him no better than the people who abuse him, it horrifies Ash.  It upsets him to the point that he begins crying. 

Ash is dealing with a LOT of shame, a lot of feelings of deep, almost crippling shame.  So with Shorter, and yes, later Eiji and even Max, Ash sees these people, whom he judges to all be good people, to be people much, much better than himself, and so their judgement of him is, for him, exceptionally painful.  Ash is used to being judged.  Dino judges him constantly, Marvin, Foxx, Yut-Lung, even his own father, etc...  He's used to being called a killer, or a whore, or a good for nothing, etc...  And while these constant insults no doubt have an impact on him, I think Ash is also aware that those people are all bad people themselves, and that their judgement of him is, in the least, hypocritical, so he’s able to bear it better, better able to dismiss it as irrelevant.  But with Shorter, Eiji and Max, they're all good people, in Ash's view, and so for him, when they criticize or judge him, it causes all of Ash's feelings of self-loathing to come bubbling to the surface.  He already hates himself, and he's already well aware that killing other people is a “bad thing”, and he's aware that using seduction to manipulate others is generally a “bad thing”.  Shorter and Eiji aren't telling him or teaching him anything he isn't already well aware of.  But when they remind him of these things which he already knows, from his perspective, these are good people who are, through their own kindness inadvertently reminding him of his own badness.  They’re dredging up for him all of these negative thoughts and feelings he has about himself, forcing him to deal with them directly, forcing him to feel them on a conscious level.  When these good people remind him of his "bad" behavior, when they try and convince him that he’s “better” or “above” his actions, that he could do better, it's like a hard slap in Ash's face, having to contend with his own, perceived rottenness.  And it also, I think, inadvertently causes Ash irreparable harm. 

Because of course, Ash isn't a bad person at all, or rotten.  He's actually an incredibly kind, generous, selfless person, an innately GOOD person, who's only been forced through the horrific circumstances of his life to become a killer, to adapt to being among sexual predators, to being in the control of psychopaths and sociopaths and having to figure out ways to survive among those sorts of people.  I think Ash, when we first meet him, is already struggling with the idea that he even deserves to live, that he deserves to fight for his own survival, and so when Shorter or Eiji tell him that he's "better" than resorting to the things he does to survive, or that what he's doing to survive is wrong, it implies that Ash has a choice, and the choice there is obvious, that he can either kill and keep living, that he can use his sexuality to protect himself against further abuse, or he can let himself die, or be raped for no reason, and spare the lives of those trying to take his.  And what this ends up doing is, it just reinforces that doubt and that uncertainty in Ash, it reinforces this idea that maybe he should just let himself be killed, or die, because his life is worth so little.  Because Ash is often in a position where he literally doesn't have a choice but to kill, or to use his sexuality if he wants to keep living.  These aren't thing he's choosing to do because he wants to.  They're things he's being forced to do in order to just protect himself, or even the lives of others.  So while I think people like Shorter and Eiji mean well when they say things like that to Ash, that he's above these sorts of things, or he's "better" than that, that they’re simply trying to help Ash see himself in a better light, or give him the hope that he can get out of the life he’s living, they actually inadvertently just end up doing Ash more harm than good, because they're just reinforcing his already dangerously negative perception of himself.   He tells Blanca at the end of "Banana Fish" that, after meeting Eiji, he's never been more ashamed of himself, and that's a strange thing, because of course Eiji also gave Ash the knowledge, for the first time in his life, of what it means to be loved without expectation.  But he also, just through his presence and his innocence, constantly reminded Ash of his own lost innocence, his own corruption from living in such a vile, violent world, and it made Ash hate himself even more.  It's a tragedy, because in a way, Eiji's presence in Ash's life only convinced him further of the inescapability of his own badness.  It made him only more convinced that he could never find a better life, or outrun his demons.  Because he stood in such sharp contrast to Eiji, who was so open and outwardly kind and accepting, free from the kind of brutality and violence and ugliness which defined so much of Ash’s life.  Eiji was from, as Ash said again and again, “a different world”, a world which sheltered him from having to become the kind of violent, manipulative, vicious person Ash was forced to become.  A world which allowed him to remain naive and to look for the goodness in everything first, a world that afforded him that luxury.  Eiji’s innocence, in some ways, only stood as a bleak reminder of what Ash himself could never again be, what he could never again attain, or gain back.  His own innocence was lost when he was seven years old.  When he was raped by his baseball coach, and because the adults in his life failed him so completely, was forced to take the life of his abuser in order to survive.  There was no going back to that naive, childlike innocence of before.  There was no way to become that again, no way to erase the things he had done, or what he had been forced to become.  He knew Eiji loved him, and just that knowledge alone was enough to give Ash the only, true happiness he'd ever known.  But he also felt all the more rotten and vile and undeserving of that love in the face of Eiji's innocence and kindness, in the face of Eiji’s goodness, reminding him so bluntly of what he could no longer be.    And of course those feelings are only further solidified by the careless words of someone like Blanca, who tells Ash that Eiji “doesn’t exist for (his) salvation” and that he’s selfish for wanting to keep Eiji near him, that he’s in fact endangering Eiji, and that innocence, by doing so.

It’s just another tragic reality of Ash’s life, that while Eiji was the best thing that ever happened to him, simultaneously, he was also, in some regard, detrimental to Ash and how he perceived himself and the inevitability of his existence. 

hey yall, since its. uh, a lil wordy + more story-like the anything, i’m gonna put this under a cut just for the dash’s sake (if you’re on mobile i’m so sorry), but, this is my full hc for ralsei and his family’s history!

once upon a time, there was a bright and lively kingdom that stood tall within the darkness, such the beacon of light it was, they called it hope. the kingdom of hope. ruled over by the family of er’ivatarn, a deck of playing cards; each member of the family bore a different suit of their people, ruling side by side, hand in hand.

uqste er’ivatarn, the king of spades, someone of softness, and compassion, yet strength and action, a want to protect, to help. opvet-wini er’ivatarn, the queen of diamonds, someone of ad -venture, and energy, music, yet hard-working, and determined. anlire er’ivatarn, the prince of clubs, someone of intellect and wisdom, something of wit and smirking mirth, but curious, and open-minded. and young ralsei er’ivatarn, the prince of hearts. someone of imagi -nation, and belief, and dreams, yet responsible, and courageous.  

years before either son’s birth, a problem arose within the king’s knightly guild, a rogue renegade. █████ █████ was his name. a simple squire, bitter in attitude, envy and selfishness hung themselves heavily over his mind since he was a child, a lonely existence his was. respect is what he wanted, power is what he wanted, control is what he wanted. but, have these he did not.

one day, having slipped away from his royal duties without detection, the squire set out searching for the long fabled witch, the witch of lagown kiln. a small feeble old woman who’s said to dance and twirl along the outskirts of the kingdom. with the magic within her fingertips, she stirs her honey-laced tea with golden spoon, a knowing smirk sat across wise features. she would listen to your worries and pleas, and she would grant a single wish.

“ oh, witch of lagown kiln, witch of lagown kiln… please, won’t you listen to my tale? ” the squire says. “ of course, dear squire, what is it you dream of at night, that you see in your minds eye at wishing tide? what is the thing that aches most within your heart? ” the witch says. “ oh, witch of lagown kiln, witch of lagown kiln… i dream of the throne, i dream to rule, to be remembered. please, won’t you help me? ” the squire states. (the witch falls quiet.)   “ say, do you see the darkened skies that loom in the distance, squire? do you see it too? ” the witch replies, “ do you see it too? ” “ …witch of lagown kil, shall you help me or not? ” the squire only lowers his head, and questions.   (the witch contemplates this for a moment, before finally, she nods.) “ …very well, then. if you so wish, then it is granted. ” and, so it was.

the squire climbed the ranks of knighthood: he earned his place amongst the best, the highly decorated. he was brave and noble, honorable and trusted. the plan he had concocted was to dethrone the family from the inside, and after all, who would suspect such a loyal subject as he? it was all going smoothly, every -thing was in it’s place. all, but one problem. the powerful magic the knight now held buried its talons deep, slowly seeping its way into every dark corner and faded street lamp of his conscious, unable to keep his control…

█████ █████ eventually lost his mind. or, what was left it, anyway.

due to his disordered thoughts, he acted on a impulse, one wrong move–and the knight was outed for his plans to overthrow the royal family. uqste and opvet still tried to find harmony with the ex-guard, ex-friend; unfortunately, in the end, it see -med like nothing would change the mind of the man they no longer knew. he was sentenced and jailed that very evening. however, due the power that now consumed him, the knight could not be properly contained by normal means. thus, the ‘crystal of ilences’ was formed: a prison, created with a boss monster’s magic, crafted specifically to stop him from doing any further harm, to others, to himself.

years passed without issue, yet underneath the castle, an evil brewed. a slow churning force, laying dormant, like a predator waiting for just the right moment to strike, with drooling maw, sharpened teeth, and hissed tongue.

soon, his chance came.

███ █████ was a new page in the knight’s guild, young he was, only seven years of age, naive, gullible, and soft-hearted. when he heard the knight’s singing whispers through stone floors, and wooden walls, at first, the page turned his back and stuck up his nose. the knight could give him nothing that would make him willing to work with the likes of him! but, the page was just a child, after all.

that childish-type of greed was something easily taken advantage of by the knight’s sugary words. at the hands of the page, the crystal was shattered.

the knight, now set free of his glittering cage, was sure to leave a path of destruction and dusted remains in his wake. if his anger wasn’t something to be feared before, it now would certainly make you flinch at the slightest flicker of its light.

the royal family didn’t survive the attack brought. as didn’t most of the country, for that matter.

the somes that were left behind were thrown into an era of disarray and heart -ache, to, with shaking hands, stitch together the seams of normal life again. eventually, the country did manage to rebuild itself on its broken pieces.

but, unfortunately in the process, due to their differences, the land decided to split into four kingdoms (the four suits), rather then continue as one

castle town was abandoned from that day forth.

the people of the dark kingdom struggled to remember what lay behind the great doors, while it teeters on the tip of their tongue, it’s swallowed back up by their eventual frustration. it’s something that’s always just always out of reach, a fuzzy, blurry thing. so, it must not of been that important anyway.

or… maybe it was forgotten purposefully? some came to joke that maybe what laid behind the doors was haunted. or maybe, it was nothing at all.

and so, the knight, finally satisfied with the apparent bitter end of the er’ivatarn family, the people that caused so much of his anger, he went into hiding, and he waited. because as much his mind screamed and cried out to take the chance, to frighten these dreadful commoners into their senses, of their true king.

good things come to those who wait, don’t they? that was his mistake the first time, and he wouldn’t be doing such foolish things again, not this time. he knew while powerful, he had no true control of his power, and if he went through with this his plans now, it would only be a matter of time before they were ruined again.

so, instead, he waited.

he was there, in the shadows of the dripping dark alleyways. he was there, in the low rumble of a kingdoms unseen underbelly. he was there, in the dancing shadows of a winding forest that beckons you closer. he was there, he was always there–always here, i should say, pulling the strings behind the scenes.

but, unfortunately for the knight, the heart of the hope kingdom still beats to a steady rhythm.

it’s faint, but… you just have to listen for it. for it waits, too. ♡

A Cure; Part Four - Determined Mind

Can also be viewed on ao3 here.

Pt.1|Pt.2|Pt.3|Pt.4|Pt.5

---

Y/n had called Jayce and he arrived not too long ago. They both sat on either side of Viktor, waiting for him to wake. Y/n had a hold of Viktor's hand while their mind raced with thoughts. So many thoughts. Jayce had been quiet ever since the doctor had left with the diagnostic Y/n knew was coming and yet still dreaded. His lungs were damaged by the mine gasses. He had at most, a year left, and at worst, Y/n didn't even want to think about that. The one thing they knew, was that they were going to finish the cure and they were going to do it without losing Viktor.

Viktor's hand suddenly squeezed at Y/n's causing their head to dart up. At their movement, Jayce also looked up, relieved that his friend had woken. Vikor took a moment to look around before looking at Jayce, defeated.

"How long do I have?" He said. So he knew.

---------------------

Y/n hadn't slept in three days, staying up late in their clinic going over theories and serums with numb fingers and even number emotions. At one point they had realized that if they continued this pattern and didn't finish the serum in time, then they wouldn't have spent enough time with Viktor. They called Jayce up and asked If they could move their equipment into a station in their lab and he agreed, understanding their reasoning.

So now, for the past few days, both of them had spent sleepless nights together in the lab, Viktor working on the cube and Y/n working on the serum. Y/n stole a glance at Viktor, seeming his form slumped over his desk. They found comfort in the rise and fall of his back. They walked over and laid their jacket over his shoulders to provide a smidge of warmth for him, laying a small his at the crown of his head, a small smile forming on his sleeping face at the warmth. They smiled sadly at him before going back to their desk. They were glad he was asleep for this part, they didn't think they could've done this part knowing he was conscious nearby. They lifted the fabric of their shirt and placed the loaded syringe gun at the base of their ribs before grimacing and pulling the trigger and letting the serum flow through their veins. Their research had passed the point of being harmful to the human body so they felt safe in doing this, though it did take a good fifteen to thirty moments for results.

The thing was, Y/n knew their lungs weren't clean either. They had lived in Zaun same as Viktor, he just got it worse than them as many that get the disease do. Y/n's theory is that if the balance of decay in their lungs drops at all they're on to something and if it drops to zero, they've got it.

They rest their head in their hands, sighing and letting their face screw in sadness. Jayce had seemed more preoccupied being a counselor and such than being in the lab, leaving Viktor and Y/n alone most of the time. It sort of upset them to an extent but they were more focused on their work to care for very long.

After the minutes had passed, Y/n took out a syringe and cringed again before drawing their blood. They studied it as usual and to their delight, the decay had gone down, significantly at that. They were so very close. So close, in fact, they could be done at the end of this week if they tried hard enough. They could do it, they knew they could cause they're the best damn doctor in the under and upper city.

---------------------

One night after being missing in action, Viktor came in.

"Heard you went over the bridge." Y/n said as he made his way over to them.

"I need to know what you think, please." He said, the desperation in his eyes surprising them. They nod for him to go on. "I met with an old friend of mine and he gave me something that could save my life." Y/n's eyes widen at this.

"What?" They say in disbelief. Viktor makes a move with his crutch, knocking the handpiece loose and slipping a vile of purple out, and holding it up so Y/n could see. "Shimmer?" They say, in ever more disbelief.

"Not exactly, it is a variation of sorts. It should help me be compatible with the hexcore and it could help me get better." Viktor says scanning the doctor's face for a reaction. "Please, I need your thoughts." They sigh in response.

"I- not that I don't believe your friend's word, I just don't think I trust the hexcore enough. I'm close to my big breakthrough with my serum as well, I'd need a week, two weeks tops." They say, confidence pouring through them. Viktor looked them dead in the eyes for any signs of faltering, which he didn't find. He sighed before placing the vial on their desk.

"Then I won't."

"Really?"

"I trust you. With my life." He said, smiling up at them. That's when they knew. They had fallen so deeply in love with Viktor. To be trusted as such with something as important as his life. Without a second thought to it, they reached out and cupped both sides of Viktor's face in their hands, his eyes widening at the movement. They then pulled him to them and tenderly kissed him. His eyes shut as he grabbed the back of their neck and pulled them into a deeper kiss.

When they finally separated, they stared into each other's eyes with nothing but love and adoration.

"Thank you," Y/n said quietly, afraid to break the fragile moment. Viktor didn't trust himself to say a word, just nodded wordlessly. Y/n placed another kiss to his lips to get the final memorization before caressing his face lightly and turning back to their work with a newfound fire in them.

alone | fushiguro

there’s no explicit rule against sharing dorms, so what’s the harm?

fushiguro megumi x reader

word count: 1.1k

ever since i saw that brief scene of him sleeping in that one episode, i could not stop thinking about it

“Megumi?” There was the sink of the mattress under your weight as you carefully peeled back the corner of the blanket, one knee on the edge of the bed—a steady arm allowed you to lean forward to get a better look at him, heat radiating from his body the closer you got.

Dark blue shirt partially ridden up to reveal his back, Megumi was a sight to see—a beautiful sight to see that was. He was on his stomach, hands resting in loosely curled fists next to where his hair was splayed out on his pillow.

He wasn’t even facing you, yet this view of him made it hard to resist instantly climbing in next to him and pressing your face to the crook of his neck—you had missed him for the whole half an hour you had spent in your own dorm room getting ready for bed before you had tip-toed into his room (plus the entire rest of the day where you were oh-so-close to him, yet refused to make a move in front of the others). He always left the door unlocked for you despite the very real threat of Yuuji bursting in unwelcomed instead.

Your other knee sunk onto the bed as you swung your legs under the thick covers, bedsheet ruffling as you moved.

You called out to him again, this time tentatively leaning forward to bump your forehead against his arm, breathing in his scent—he smelled like fresh laundry (fitting considering he’d just gotten his shirt out of there). Lost in the haze of comfort, you pressed your head closer, his familiar muscles taut against you, but then he stirred and you pulled back quickly, shifting to lean your elbow on the pillow, your hand cupping your face as you watched him (yes, very nonchalant—this was the perfect pose truly, never mind your racing heart hidden below the cool facade).

“Took you long enough,” he said, voice dripping in low octaves, gravely and rough just the right amount. Sleep did wonderful things to his vocal chords it seemed. Megumi’s hands uncurled and he stretched his fingers out to get rid of the stiffness before his palms came to lay flat against the pillow, him still facing away from you.

“Didn’t think you’d miss me that much.” You rested a hand on his exposed lower back as a test and when he didn’t flinch away, you figured your hand wasn’t as cold as you thought it was and continued running it over the skin, daring to ghost your touch in passing on the upper part near his shoulder blades still covered by his shirt—warm—before traveling back down to the already explored skin to trace circles over the dips. He sighed under your touch and you smiled, briefly considering leaning forward to press a kiss there, but never feeling quite daring enough around him all the same (he seemed to suffer from the same hesitation when it came to you—cute). “Were you sleeping without me?”

Your teasing tone had him turning his head to the other side to finally face you. His eyelids had lulled into a half-closed state, blinking up at you, yet he still managed to pinch his features into a look of indignation at your words. “Of course not. Not tired.” He yawned and immediately clamped his jaw shut. “...was just resting my eyes.”

Amused, you dragged your hand back up, this time passing over his shirt and then up his arm, poking at his bicep to rile him up more. “Sure.”

“It’s true. Ugh—stop that.” He lifted himself up to support his weight on his forearms now, frowning at you, and your hand fell away from his arm, finding purchase on the small of his back again. You were face-to-face now, studying each other, and the urge you felt to kiss him was as if you hadn’t just spent the entire day at his side already.

You bit back a smirk, albeit unsuccessfully. “Your hair,” you explained when he raised an eyebrow. It was true—his hair was as unpredictable as ever, falling around him in messy strands, sticking out every which way.

Megumi rolled his eyes but still reached up to run a hand through it, supporting his weight on one arm now. The simple action was concerningly attractive, although you decided not to comment on it. His attempt at smoothing the unruly strands didn’t do much anyway, but before you could comment on that, there was a sudden grip on your arm and he pulled you down onto the bed with him, flopping onto the mattress as you fell into his chest. His chin found its place to rest on top of your head.

“Hey-”

“You were taking too long again.” Too long to get into his arms he seemed to mean this time—the steady rise and fall of his chest against yours was enough to ward off any further complaints you harbored though.

No further exchange of words was needed between you two and it wasn’t long until you felt drowsiness begin to overtake you, acutely aware of the way he pressed against you, although the image was beginning to get more fuzzy the longer you allowed your conscious to slip away—that is, until you felt the top half of the heavy blanket being kicked off of you. You pried one eye open to peer at the scene.

“Why’d you do that?” The top of his black shorts could be seen peeking out from under the part of the blanket that still covered your legs now and you traced a finger along the waistband, the fabric smooth and silky.

“Too hot,” Megumi mumbled against the crown of your head and you breathed in sharply at the feeling of his lips moving—it tickled, but mostly you were trying to stop yourself from burying your face further into his chest because you were so in love with every little thing he did.

“You could just let go of me, you know.”

There was a pause. “I don’t think so.” And then he was pushing you closer to him, his face slipping down from the top of your head and close enough to your ear that you could feel his hot breath on the area before he placed a kiss right above it.

That’s right—none of the others were around now. It was just you two. Emboldened by the thought, you snaked your arms around him to wrap around his torso and under his shirt again, retracing over the same lines you already had countless times. There was nothing to hide now.

So while I've said before that I don't like the HP subreddit, I still frequent it because occasionally I read something insightful. This is one such case, where I read a reading of Lupin that I'd never seen before in response to a comment of mine analyzing the shrieking shack confrontation between Snape, Remus, Sirius and the golden trio, where I mentioned that Lupin was a gaslighter so I wanted to share. It was created by reddit user u/UsuallySiSometimesNo and is posted here with his permission. We had a little conversation in the comments. Read it under the cut

UsuallySiSometimesNo: That struck a cord with me, too. I didn't think about that on a conscious level before, but when I read it, it felt instantly true.

Honestly, I think the strongest examples of Lupin gaslighting are actually done to himself. The biggest, character-defining example, I think, is that after finding friendship with James, Sirius, and Peter, he becomes so desperate not to be ostracized from them (due to his issues of self-worth and his personal brand of impostor syndrome) that he deliberately and routinely feeds himself false narratives about their behavior until he can no longer tell fact from fiction, even as he's experiencing it.

Their relentless bullying of Snape? A childhood rivalry.

Their casual bullying of other students? Kids being young and stupid.

Their clear disinterest verging on contempt for Peter, someone less fortunate and vulnerable with whom they're supposed to be good friends? Just mates being mates.

Even actions taken against Lupin, himself, are revised in his memory to be 'no big deal', because he desperately needs that to be true. Let's pretend for a moment that Snape indisputably deserved to be slaughtered by a werewolf the night Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow. Sirius did not send Snape to be killed by any old werewolf. What happened that night was that Sirius - one of Remus' best friends, if not his actual best friend - attempted to use Remus' curse/illness against someone (which is a big enough betrayal on it's own) without ever telling Remus that when he woke up in the morning (covered in blood and in the presence of a shredded corpse) it would be to find that he had committed the act he was most petrified he might one day commit. In setting Snape up to be killed by Lupin, Sirius, at the very least, risked Lupin's sanity, and, at the very most, risked Lupin being sentenced to death.

Now, I understand that Sirius wasn't thinking about all of that when he did what he did, and I, as a someone removed from the situation (and armed with the additional character/situational knowledge granted to a reader) can even understand why Sirius' own trauma led him to grant such a blind death sentence to Snape (which I think is related to a point you made elsewhere, u/Adventure_Time_Snail, about Sirius' "violence towards those who trigger his fundamental fear of wizard fascists" because of his abusive upbringing). But Lupin's perspective is not one of an unbiased observer. And once James found out what was happening and pulled Snape back before it was too late (which, I would think, was more to save Lupin than to save Snape) and once Remus awoke the next to day to discover everything that transpired the night before, I find it hard to believe there wasn't at least some conversation about the true gravity of the situation. And yet, even all these years later, Lupin doesn't bat an eye when Sirius not only doesn't display shame when the event is mentioned in POA, but offers something akin to regret, NOT at the fact that his actions could have gotten Lupin killed, but that that they DIDN'T get Snape killed: "It served him right...", he sneered. etc. etc.

I think the obvious question here, is 'Even disregarding what Sirius did to Snape - how can Lupin be okay with the knowledge that Sirius has no regret, at all, for what he did to him, even now that they're adults?' Well, we're not in Lupin's point of view in the books, which means we can't hear his internal monologue, but I think a satisfactory answer to the question is that he's done a substantial amount of internal gymnastics in order to get to a point where he doesn't see this as a big deal, or even as something that he has a right to be upset about.... just like a gaslighter does to their victim.

Again, because we're not in Lupin's POV, we can't point to the exact instances that such internal gaslighting took place, but, based on what we do observe from Harry's POV (and based on external knowledge of gaslighting as a true-to-life concept) I wouldn't be surprised if Lupin so desperately needs everything to be okay that he derides himself for feeling bad or betrayed, that he calls himself stupid for thinking terrible things that have happened to him are a big deal, that he wars with himself about how people who are his friends and who are so good to him and who are better friends than he thinks he deserves could possibly do something to harm him/others, and that he beats down whatever emotions and senses and gut feelings he has that tells him something his friends have done might be very wrong. What we see in the books is a man who makes excuses for his friends and harbors a warped perception of reality in much the same way victims of gaslighting do, and he seems to exploit his own insecurities in order to instill doubt in his own experiences in much the same way perpetrators of gaslighting do.

I can't help but think that, by the time Lupin tells Harry that Snape harbors a particularly strong hatred for James because James was a better Quidditch player, Lupin has become so adept at gaslighting himself that he actually believes it.

tl;dr: One of Lupin's defining characteristics is that he gaslights himself out of a desperate need to be liked by others, since he has a difficult time liking himself and seems to believe all of his relationships are incredibly fragile.

Urupotter:

This is a fascinating reading on Lupin that I've never seen. I don't read him the same way, in that I think Lupin actually does know that what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't have the moral courage to act on his conscience. (I view him as the anti Snape, great conscience, but abysmal moral courage, while Snape had unbelievable moral courage but a shitty conscience. Their arcs are about growing their moral courage and their conscience respectively) Realizing that his negligence almost got Harry killed is what triggers his arc, concluding when he goes back to Tonks and Teddy after running away, taking responsibility for his actions for the first time.

But this reading is so interesting that I'll have to reflect on it. Do you mind if I post it on my Harry Potter tumblr blog? I'll credit you of course, I would just like to discuss it with my followers. Of course if you don't want to I won't.

UsuallySiSometimesNo:

Honestly, I think the lack of in-depth conversation about Remus Lupin (at least compared to fan favorites Sirius Black and Severus Snape) is a missed opportunity and a shame. Don't get me wrong, I can discuss Sirius and Snape until blue in the face, but Lupin's arc is just as powerful in an understated (and often underestimated) way. The muddy, oversimplified truth is, without the fatal-flaw decision making of all four Marauders throughout their lives, the series of events proceeding the first chapter of the first book don't happen, and the story we all know and love never comes to be.

And speaking of sparking a discussion about Lupin...

I think Lupin actually does know that what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't have the moral courage to act on his conscience.

You know what? I agree. And that's what makes him so interesting, I think. He is constantly and dependably full to bursting with internal conflict. When his friends are wrong/do something wrong/say something wrong, he can and does immediately identify the situation as wrong. When he does something wrong, or when he does nothing in the face of something wrong, in that moment I believe he knows the full weight of the situation. Like you said, he has a strong conscience, as well as a deeper, perhaps more nuanced understanding of right and wrong than do, for example, James and Sirius. Now, Lupin needs his friends. They're not just people to hang out with, they're a lifeline for him. He's not going to engage in conflict with them if there is even the slightest chance that he might lose them (for a variety of reasons, he lacks, as you said, the moral courage to do so). But he's also a generally decent human being, and with a strong conscience comes the capacity for sincere guilt and remorse. So, not only will he not confront his friends, he needs it to be okay that he doesn't confront them. And it's at that point that I think the self gaslighting is triggered.

But Lupin is intelligent and nobody's fool, so the gaslighting creates only a thin layer of ice over the problem. Just enough of a cover that he can live with the things he would otherwise deeply regret. I do think he believes the alternative reality he makes for himself to be accurate as long as it isn't really challenged. Crack the ice, though, and we see him express remorse and reveal an underlying awareness of past and present truths. But then the moment is over, and the war between the uncomfortably and full weight of the truth and his need for the companionship of his friends returns, and then the gaslighting begins again, allowing him an easier return to his closest friends (and eventually his closest friend, singular, after the others have been taken from him as was his fear all along) without conflict and with minimal strain on his conscience.

Once Sirius, the last of his original chosen family is gone - truly gone, as opposed to 'located elsewhere' as he was when in prison - following OOtP, suddenly Lupin's arc takes off at a greater speed than at any point prior. He's now literally lost all of the people he'd been terrified of figuratively losing. Although there are still people and things he cares about, he isn't as dependent on any of them as he was on those foundational friendships, and the finality of their absence allows him to finally grow beyond his stifling cycle of reality shifting, confront the truths of his reality and his circumstances, and, as you said, finally take responsibility by returning to Tonks and Teddy - a decision that, ultimately, triggers his death (I don't mean to imply that it was a bad decision or that it's the sole cause of his death, but Rowling has said that being 'out of practice' contributed to his loss at the Battle of Hogwarts, which makes for a fantastic tragedy).

I don't mean to overstate the importance of this theory or imply that it's always present when he's on-stage, and, as with anyone, many other elements, of course, factor into his actions/words/motives. But I think it's a fascinating potential component of his character all the same. If you have more thoughts on this, I love to hear them - and I look forward to reading the discussion on your blog!

So what do you think? Is this a valid reading of Lupin? I'd say it is, but I'm interested in reading my followers thoughts!

Imagine if Freddy went through something really traumatising (like being hacked by Glitchtrap and forced to hurt his friends, Vanessa and Gregory or snapping from anger accidently hurting someone for example). How do you think the gang will help him through it?

Welcome back! Hmm i think Freddy has already dealt with a lot of traumatizing things already; he’s suffered at the hands of being hacked into and losing control over his body-that in itself has left the uneasy, unsettling fear that despite how strong his will power is he has the capability to harm others without wanting to. That would always haunt him. Always make him cautious of his actions and always in the back of his mind worry about the damage that can be done even of his conscious will. Freddy (and Bonnie imo) is the most sentient of all the animatronics, don’t get me wrong they are all very much alive but Freddy (an Bon) is more advanced or maybe he’s just more aware than everyone else and with his personality he’s just a very caring and head strong person. All the glamrocks would have their own worries and insecurities, would have to be careful around their guests especially really young kids-they may have the safety protocols to know not to cause harm but that’s not the same as understanding their own strength and how much of it to use when interacting with humans who are much more fragile than they are. And it’s hard-I imagine they went through a lot of physical training to understand how powerful they really are and what forces are safe and destructive. Children want to touch and grab and be all over them, that’s how kids are. Freddy would always be careful and watchful of himself and the others because he would genuinely understand what they are capable of (especially what happened with the Vanny and Afton situation) so there would always be the inkling terror that creeps in the back of his mind.

If you want traumatizing let’s talk about my au Freddy! Gather around children there is an endless well of trauma in that mind of his. He is haunted by the horrors that dwelled beneath the plaza, not just the abandoned old restaurant location and the battle with Burntrap (cause being hacked into against his will is practically a form of figurative mind r@pe and we do not stan that shit in my house) especially since my Freddy is the reincarnated Michael Afton whose soul possessed the animatronic body and dwells within his shiny new frame. He has a shit ton of trauma from what he himself had done in the past and everything William did along with the deaths of his mother and siblings weighing him down and all the years of his life he never lived because he was hellbent on righting the wrongs of his father. He has a pretty big long list of traumatizing things he’s witnessed/experienced including his own death (being scooped alive and being a flesh suit for Enard that mind you had the soul of his sister attached to it ughhh it gives him nightmares) and then having to worry about losing himself to his father’s twisted mind control and ultimately being terrified he’ll become just like him and struggles with himself a lot because of his fears and insecurities. He used to be a huge jerk and although he’s grown so much and became an entirely different person altogether he is very hard on himself and criticizes himself constantly.

Because of all this trauma Freddy isn’t perfect despite his programming (none of the glams are either but that’s what makes them alive-they make mistakes, they give into the emotions that they are capable of feeling etc.) he is very much human in his body of metal and wires. Freddy isn’t one to lose his temper-he’s very patient and empathetic of others and even with the constant prodding and pushing of eager children he remains calm. That isn’t to say said patience can’t run out because even he has his limits (though it takes a lot to really cross the line for him). And with his past traumas sometimes all the attention and high expectations become too much for him and behind closed doors (he tries very hard not to ever let himself slip in front of the kids especially Gregory) he panics and snaps-sometimes the unfortunate victim being a worker or even his friends (again very rare) but immediately apologizes repeatedly because he truly does regret it the second he realizes what he’s done and he ends up reverting back into himself and the only people capable of bringing him out of it is Bonnie and Gregory. And the rabbit instantly has to reassure and comfort Freddy while pulling him out of the self deprecating headspace he often dwells in when he’s alone or something goes terribly wrong.

His friends would understand for the most part. Bonnie and Roxy would get him the most-Bonnie knowing about his past and knowing him better than anyone else. Roxanne would understand the emotional and mental aspect of his issues because she herself has problems with her self esteem and has anxiety and conflicted doubts directed at herself. Both of them would just get Freddy and would be able to handle him during his panic attacks; Bonnie being emotionally supportive while Roxy shoulders his bitterness-she can handle it (she’s the only other animatronic besides Bon that can face Freddy and not be shot down) her own issues are so powerful that nothing Freddy can throw at her is enough to push her away. And her tough hardcore outlook on things would really help him-she’s the tough girl, Bonnie is the more sensible one. He lets Freddy talk it out and is a shoulder for him to cry on.

Chica is also supportive as a caring and thoughtful friend-she is always ready to listen and tries her best to cheer Freddy up wherever he’s feeling down or having a bad day. She pumps him up, gets him to stop moping and work off those bad feelings. She’s definitely the friend that will talk shit and back you up over the problems you have while you both pork out on tubs of ice cream. Chica has Freddy’s well being in mind and always does her best to make his dreary day a whole lot brighter and she would cling to him and pull him out of his funk and get him to jam out with her until he no longer feels bummed.

Vanessa would be open to listen to whatever is bothering him though she’d be more reserved and listen more than talk. She’d be a buoy in the clashing sea of his emotions-remaining stern through the waves and not budge even when he’s at his worst. She’d get that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to just be there and let them express themselves. Freddy would appreciate that about her, that she can listen and also doesn’t hold back her opinions and punches. She’s direct, she’s straightforward and that steadies the bear-makes him feel like there is some control even though he’s not the one that has it.

Monty, well once things have generally settled between them (they wouldn’t become buddies straight away but they’d act civil around the other glams and their human companions) he’d be the last person that either of them would want to talk about conflicted feelings-the Gator isn’t good at the whole understanding your feelings thing and wouldn’t know how to handle a mentally breaking down Freddy-all he knows how to be is angry and destructive. Or at least that was all he knew how to be until Gregory had helped him to break free of his vicious cycle. Apart of him would revel in Freddy’s agony-would want him to feel as horrible as he himself had felt but he isn’t heartless. He’d realize how wrong that was and those thoughts would unsettle him and out of regret he’d try his best to help. He’d be honest with Freddy, that he doesn’t know what to say to make things better-he’s not supportive like Bonnie or cheerful like Chica...even Roxy has a better understanding than he does and she’s as hardcore as him. But his honesty would be what Freddy had always wanted from Monty and that’d be enough.

As for Gregory, our sweet boy. He’d calm Freddy down in an instant and words wouldn’t have to be said. Just a hug from the boy would he enough to melt away the Bears whirlwind of feelings. Gregory is just a kid, a matured one but still a child nonetheless and although there would be a lot of deep emotional trauma and stuff too dark for him to be subjected to or even be able to understand that wouldn’t stop him from telling Freddy how much he cares about him, that Freddy is doing his best and that to the boy he is the best. Freddy would find himself weak kneed and be sitting on his legs just hugging Gregory for a long while. Freddy wouldn’t need him to understand the trauma left behind from his past, he’d find comfort in being brought back to the present to the unconditional love and acceptance of his family and child. That’s really all Freddy needs anyways.

And Freddy would beat himself up every day if he ever harmed any of them (even Monty because somewhere a long the line they have only each other to lean on and everyone deserves to be cared about) he would be haunted by what ifs and could’ve beens but as long as they all stick together he’d remember that he doesn’t have to face himself or any challenge alone. He’d learn from his mistakes and make up for them in any way he can while continuing to keep moving forward.

Anyways that’s enough out of me, Rock on Superstars!

Skz reaction to their s.o having scars/ cutting themselves.

Disclaimer: I want to do this reaction since I know people going through this need some kind of support and sometimes little things like this help a lot. If you are going through this situations please ask for help, and if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me without a problem :). Hope this makes you feel better.

Warnings: Angst, mentions of blood, mentions of self harm and autodestructive thoughts and actions. If you are not comfortable reading about this topics, please don’t read this.

Chan: You were paralyzed, trying your best to hide the cuts with your hand. Chan was paralyzed as well, standing by the door frame, not completely believing the situation. The blood running through your forearms coming from your wrists felt hot compared to your cold flesh. Chan’s eyes started tearing up, at the view. You opened your mouth, in an attempt to explain yourself, but Chan’s voice stopped you. “Let’s treat the cuts first” He said wiping his tears off. He carefully put a bandage around your cuts, stopping the blood from coming out. “Chan I’m sorry” You said looking down as tears started forming on your eyes. “Don’t say that to me, say that to yourself. You need to love you the way you love me Y/N” You cry out at his words, unable to explain how hard it is to accept and love yourself. “Look, I struggle with self love too” Chan says, looking right into your eyes. “But, before doing this” He says looking at your forearms “you can talk to me. I can give you a thousand reasons to love yourself” You sniff “I’ll talk to you when I feel like this, I promise” You say carressing his face. “You know I’d never judge you right?” He says touching your cheek slightly, wiping the tears off. “I know love” You say holding his hand with yours.

Minho: Minho looked at your scars for a split second, when your sleeves went up a little bit. He decided to stay silent, since you both were in public, but you could read something was wrong with his expression. Once you got home you were the one asking him. “What’s wrong baby?” He looked at you worried, not really knowing how to say it. “That- That thing, do you still do it?” He says pointing at your forearms. You cross your arms, in an attempt to hide them. “What do you mean?” You ask, eventho you know exactly what he meant. “Your scars Y/N” He says looking right into your eyes, with a worried look. You look down, unable to keep the eye contact. “I’m trying to stop” You say in a low voice. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He says as tears fall down his cheeks. You are completely broken by the situation, not knowing what to say or do to make things better. “It’s hard to open up” You simply say still looking at the floor. He wraps his arms around you in a tight hug and says “Don’t ever do that again please, I don’t know what I’d do without you” I may be crying

Changbin: Eventho you try your best to hide it, there’s blood coming out of your clothes, that completely exposes you. Changbin’s voice trembles as he says “Again?” His tone is kind of dissapointed, monotoned and completely different to his usual tone around you. “I told you to talk to me” He says lifting the bottom of your pants, revealing your bloody ankles. “It’s hard” You say with a broken voice. “I know it’s hard” He says, putting his hand around your neck, making you look at him “But we can get through this together” He finally says as he starts putting a bandage around your ankle. “I really try my best, but my mind...” You start speaking but burst into tears half way. “I know baby” He says calmly. “I know”

Hyunjin: He acts calmly, knowing that you’re going through more than he is. He hides the fact that your actions hurt him, because he simply doesn’t want you to feel guilty about them. He cleans out the little cuts you did on your hips, thinking that he wouldn’t notice them. “I won’t do it again, I promise. I really mean it this time” You say trying to convince yourself and the boy. “I know you’ll get through this” He simply says, looking at you. Maybe it’s your current state that doesn’t allow you to think straight, or maybe he hides it way too well. But you definetely don’t notice just how broken he is. “All done” He says putting a band-aid on the last cut. He acts like nothing happened, trying to make everything normal looking. But as soon as you fall asleep, he hides in the bathroom, crying helplessly and letting everything out.

Jisung: “Tell me I’m wrong please” He says with a broken tone while holding your shoulders. “You are, partially. They’re old” You reply looking straight into his wet eyes. “It happened years ago, and I’m not doing it anymore” You explain further letting him know about the whole situation. “You scared me” He says, in between loud cries and you hold him closer to you, putting him into a tight hug. “I will never leave your side Jisung” You say placing your face on his shoulder. “Never” You whisper in his ear.

Felix: He sits down with you, as you explain to him how you got your self-harm scars and why all that happened and how you are completely fine now. “Thank you” He says looking at you as he nods. “Thank you for trusting me and telling me about this, I know it’s not easy and it really means a lot” He says smiling at you, you smile back as a reflex. “I wanted you to know everything about me, because I trust you, and I know you would never judge me” You say still smiling at him. He holds your hand and replies “This tells me just how strong you are, I’m so proud of you, being able to get through this.

Seungmin: The bloody scenary of you, on the bath, water getting red from the blood, it’s just too much to process, but Seungmin acts fast, knowing how dangerous this is. He grabs your arms, checking how deep the cuts are and then checks your state, you are still conscious, but barely. He grabs your whole body on his arms and gets you out of the bathtub. He quckly calls an ambulance while covering your body with a towel, he wraps your arms with bandages, as fast as he can and holds your hand telling you. “Everything’s gonna be fine” You get to the hospital on time and the doctors help you heal fast. Seungmin’s there for the whole recovery process and he supports you on every step, and even looks for a psichologist for you.

Jeongin: Jeongin is broken while you tell him how you got your scars, unable to understand just how much pain you went through. “I’m happy that this nightmare is over for you” He says holding your hand. “And I’m here if you need help some day” He continues looking at you. “Thank you for understanding babe” You say to him caressing his hand.

Masterlist--requests open--

Ah, I do see your points, anon. I'm not going to post all your asks publicly because if you really feel that unsafe, it's probably best not to have a bigass chunk of your text for people to analyze and try to guess your identity from. I think one of the best points you made is about how close to home it hits when the non-fave is not only your fave but is similar to you in some way like demographic. You're not wrong for having those emotions. I do wonder if they make it hard to see how some other people feel similarly embattled on other axes.

TBH, I think one of the big problems here is that the large aggregate patterns you're talking about are racist, but most individual fics and fans are not really the problem. It's hard to know how to talk about this or who to tell to "fix" it when we're looking at free, hobbyist art.

A lot of people's tastes are certainly formed by shitty society, but once they're formed, they don't change fast if at all. Asking someone to rewrite their libido is a big ask, yet tumblr does it all the time as though it's as simple as snapping your fingers.

This leaves me with the sense that a lot of tumblr is... like... the political lesbians of porn fic or something: desire is not real, only choosing based on logic and politics. Or maybe people are so asexual that they just don't understand the lizard brain's "YES!" at some porn things and complete indifference to others?

I don't think it's great if great swaths of people feel like bottom!Nicky is super hot and top!Nicky fundamentally isn't, but I also don't think they can necessarily just turn it off like flipping a switch.

(If someone reading this doesn't like their current tastes and wants to attempt to alter them, I do think it's possible. What you should do is line up a large slate of media that prominently features characters of the ethnicity or whatever that you don't find hot/interesting. These should be leads whose emotional development drives the plot and is supposed to be central to the audience's enjoyment of the media. Watch/read/etc. this media all the time. All. The. Time. Try out many pieces because you won't like every character or every show, and we're looking for genuine enjoyment, not the fandom equivalent of a pity fuck. Spend enough time on this, and your unconscious sense of who's hot and interesting will eventually shift somewhat. This is a project you should expect to take a few years.)

But I digress.

The one tweet thing is a very toxic pattern. If TOG fandom is doing that, guys, please try to be more conscious of holding the actors of color to a higher standard (or the women or whomever). I know this often comes from a place of paying more attention to our own and wanting to set a good standard, but the effect is that minorities can't fuck up ever while white dudes get infinite passes.

Okay, on to the fic thing... Gotta say, my instant reaction to that description is "Ooh!"--as it would be for the same scenario with the characters reversed. (Ships who start out trying to kill each other are my favorite! x1000 if they're resurrecting style immortals and they literally do.) I can see how it would feel like slamming into a brick wall if you aren't kinky in just the right way and you didn't know it was coming though.

Part of why I react so strongly to a lot of discourse that runs along these lines is that I am a naturally extremely kinky person. It's not so much about what I do (which as a deeply lazy person in a long distance relationship is essentially nothing), but it's absolutely how I'm wired.

And I can tell you that my quotidian experience in fandom is sharing something I don't even realize is a big deal only to have someone I like, respect, and trust react in horror and tell me that it's triggering and awful and should not be allowed in fandom spaces because it makes "people" unsafe. It's such an instant, kneejerk reaction they don't even realize I was sharing it because it spoke to the very core of me. Lesson learned, friend. Lesson learned.

That sounds a bit off topic, I know, but bear with me: The point of that anecdote is that it's pretty common for me to get people trying to raise my awareness of things I have already thought deeply about while denying my essential humanity and not even realizing. As a kinky person who likes to make my fave the top (and generally a conflicted sadist), this constant request to explain and justify is exhausting.

I doubt most of the top!Joe fans have this precise problem simply because people who make their fave the top are much less common in fandom than people who make their fave the bottom, but I see a similar pattern with fans who are just fundamentally wired for rape fantasies (one of the most common fantasies that exists) vs. fans who just don't get rape fantasies at all. Or substitute your BDSM/kinky/messed up fantasy trope of choice. Covertly radical feminist attitudes towards kink and power are on the rise in fandom, and as a naturally kinky person, boy do I notice it!

I know that it feels like crucial activism to share these insights about why the ratio of top!Joe is hurtful, and the pain you feel is real. But it's also the case that it's a big ask to want people to listen. (Not me. Obviously, I routinely choose to engage with discourse. I mean overall.) The reason for that is that you're only seeing a fraction of what they do or who they are, and you don't know how many previous people they've listened to how many previous times. It's a very different situation from someone whose job is making some major TV series or movie or something. That person does, in my opinion, owe you some amount of listening.

Now, I'm not saying no top Joe fan was ever a jerk. I'll bet they were. There's a tendency to be rude and to publicly air your schadenfreude when you feel like everyone has been yelling at you. What I am saying is that a lot of the problem here boils down to conflicting needs, and that means there isn't a good solution. It's a situation where people are genuinely hurt, but I don't necessarily agree that other people have harmed them.

I like that you did an actual count of the explicit fics, btw. It's good to look at the real numbers. I see too little of that in these situations. My off the cuff reaction is that 2/3 to 1/3 is not a bad ratio at all compared to many fandoms, but yeah, it definitely shows a strong trend, and that can be painful. (I have a fandom where I think there's maybe like 1 bottom so-and-so fic in the entire zine era fandom. One. It's pretty extreme.)

I guess my thinking here overall is: What is the practical solution? What are we hoping to gain? What is reasonable to ask of people?

And it can't be "Well, if they would just listen..." That's just a sneaky way of saying "If you haven't done it my way, it's because you haven't listened to me yet."

So the question I would ask of people is this:

What does a non-racist fic where Joe tops look like?

What does a non-racist sex pollen, dubcon, or even noncon fic where Joe tops look like?

And if you say the latter is impossible... well... sadists exist everywhere in the world. So do doms. So do people who prefer to top in a purely physical sense. People with rape fantasies where they're the rapist exist (people who are not actually rapists, I mean). None of this is restricted to any one group. We can't categorically say fic like that about Joe is coming from a place of racism without denying the fundamental humanity of kinky MENA people who'd want to make Joe like themselves or like their ideal partner. (Yes, I agree this won't be the majority of fic writers writing top!Joe, but this is a place to start for figuring out what the better version would look like.)

IDK, maybe you're that kinkster yourself, but your asks gave me the vibe that you don't really get the drive towards those darker kinds of fics and what might be motivating it besides stereotypes and shittiness.

If we can answer these kinds of questions, we can better critique the way people write what they write without telling them all of their taste is bad and they should just stop writing. Even if we think the latter is true, it isn't going to get us anywhere. Figuring out how to make Joe more multidimensional in the fic they already want to write or finding very specific wording that should be avoided might actually work.

Beyond that, the actions I think are productive would be running prompt fests, exchanges, or other events for bottom!Joe or for top!Joe where he's the main character and the fics are required to be from his POV. Themed collections and recs lists are great. (I've seen a bit of this going around in TOG fandom in the past, and that's an excellent approach! Keep it up!) Positive actions tend to work better here. Make more of what you want. Promote what you want to see.

I don't mean this in some fluffy magical thinking way: you aren't going to change that ratio radically just by the power of positivity. But I've seen this kind of thing play out in many, many fandoms, and going after the people who write what you don't like, even in a well-intentioned effort to educate and even in a polite, kind way doesn't do much. A few people feel guilty. A few feel defensive. A lot ignore you. The overall fic doesn't change. It's not a good use of your limited time and energy.

I'm off to look up that fic to see what I think of it in practice, but I'm going to post this before tumblr manages to eat it.

Bang chan as a boyfriend based on his chart?

Sure ;)))

Let’s get straight into it!💭

I’ve been wanting to talk about his interceptions/duplications for some time, and now it finally fits haha!!😊 His Venus is intercepted and...let’s say that his chart (+ Saturn singleton and other aspects) poses some obstacles for romantic relationships, and suggests a personal transition/journey he has to go through in order to even allow himself to experience romantic love and affection....🤭

Scorpio is intercepted in the 6th house in his chart while Taurus is intercepted in the 12th house. Capricorn makes up for it and rules both the 8th and 9th house as Cancer rules both the 2nd and 3rd house. So what does that mean?

First of all, the qualities associated with Scorpio and Taurus are hard for him to access as they weren’t taught or understood at an early age. This can further suggest that he experienced a lack of love and tenderness, while receiving criticism, (Saturn singleton, 6th house stellium, Chiron in the 6th makes him extremely sensitive to criticism, he started young as a trainee and went through monthly evaluations and such for 7 years!) which probably influenced his self-perception, as he already has low self-esteem and lots of self-doubt implied in his interception, which suggests a need for validation and extra-love, though he was given the opposite. Moreover, he could’ve had issues forming an opinion and sticking to it (supported by his Libra placements), fully devoting himself in a relationship (any type, Mars conjunct 7th house) and leaving his comfort zone. Lack of privacy, fear of loss and struggles regarding finances/recourses may have also occurred in his life. These aspects in regard to the 6th and 12th houses hint at an unstable and insecure environment as a result of lacking routine (e.g. going to sleep at odd hours with Pisces and Virgo here) and giving into bad habits. Something generally big in his chart is his insecurity and deceiving perception of himself as well as his ways of coping (intercepted Taurus, Saturn singleton, Virgo Chiron,... surpresses/ignores feelings or ignores them). He may use his self-doubt and criticism from both others and himself as a “fuel” for his determination and work-ethic to try and prove others and a part of himself wrong. Although one might argue that using negativity to grow from it is benificial, he harms himself subconsciously by having that mindset, since when a) he fails, like all of us do sometimes, he will fall into a pit of self-hatred or b) he achieved a goal, but after it, he’ll still be unsatisfied and want more. It always ends back where he started; craving for UNCONDITIONAL love, but he won’t give himself that type of love (unconditional love can also be associated with Neptune, which is in retrograde in his chart, and can contribute to hyper-awareness of his own wrongs). The love he gives himself is conditional and situational, which he adapted from all the lack of love and criticism and makes him feel like he will never be enough. A big lesson he has to learn is that his work/success doesn’t define him, and he is enough without his awards and wins. He’s an amazing person just being himself, and once he realizes that he deserves unconditional love, he will also be a step further to allow love to come his way. (You can’t come from a place of hatred and expect love to come out at the end!)

In terms of his Venus and his 7th house conjunctions, I can see how he craves love deeply and intensely, he craves privacy and validation, though with intercepted planets the individual isn’t allowed or suppresses a core-part of their personality. In Chan’s case, he suppresses his longing for romantic love and relationships as he is taught to focus on his work (he channels all his energy through his Saturn singleton, work is existential to him) rather than his need for affection, because “I don’t deserve love anyway” (conditional self-love, damaged awareness of self-worth). He perhaps doesn’t consciously know who he is looking for, but craves stability, (a routine to help him feel comfortable, as he values that with his Cancer and Capricorn duplications, but we’ll get to that later) sensuality, validation, appreciation, inspiration, acceptance and most importantly: love! In terms of Taurus here, which is intercepted and is ruled by Venus, I can see how a big life lesson is to value and appreciate his materialistic possessions and achievements that originated from hard work. He needs to learn how to feel appreciative of his past efforts and learn to feel satisfied with himself and his past efforts as well as allow himself to rest.

His Saturn singleton in conjunction with what I’ve discussed previously briefly points out; he channels his entire energy though his work, through restrictions, through his reputation and his ambition. (This Placement fits perfectly with him being on stage. He performs with such purpose, with such determination and devotion by using his body (Aries), and most importantly with his group (11th house).) The Pluto Mars conjunction also hints at Chan being a very devoted individual, who can get engulfed in his task and even isolate himself when doing something he’s passionate about. His Saturn is also in retrograde, which internalizes this placement and makes him very conscious about his success, reputation and overall misery and hardship that he wants to (perhaps aggressively or boldly) take action on and improve all the time. He fears letting people down and wants to live up to their expectations, while often letting himself down in the process, which feeds into his conditional self-love and lack of self-acceptance. He sets limits for himself, when actually, he wants to be free, because he lives in fear of not being enough and fulfilling people’s expectations of him as he wants to have a good reputation and success, be better than all the authority figures with criticizing eyes he’s been exposed to all his life. A contradiction within himself here is that he doesn’t want people to tell him what to do, he doesn’t like being pushed around and wants to be his own boss, but as soon as somebody expects something of him or questions his authority, he wants to prove them wrong and so does what they want. He is a pushover, in a way, but is consciously very resistant toward rules and boundaries other authority figures set for him to follow. Additionally, valuing tradition and following a routine (6th house interception) can be hard for him (especially when it comes to sleep, 12th house). Further interpreting, his Sun (Libra, 5th house) is opposite his Saturn, which can indicate a gap in self-perception that I touched on in the previous paragraph, outlining his rather subconscious (12th house interception, so this part is more “hidden” from him, while the 12th house is already hard to access in the first place) way of self-destruction considering his way with doubt and criticism and how it will forever remain a spiral of negativity that results in no progress if he doesn’t understand he is deserving of UNconditional love). Additionally, he might believe he can only be loved when he performs well and succeeds, which is obviously not true, though it is a big life lesson for him to truly understand that, with his 12th house interception and his tendency to ignore his intuition/spirituality to listen to the logics (air signs and other). He can escape this spiral of negativity by learning this big lesson; he is worthy, he deserves love, he deserves privacy, he deserves care (from himself and others).

Ways to “unlock interceptions” and learn the previously mentioned life lessons are to look at the “directors” (the signs that rule the intercepted houses, so in Chan’s case it’s Libra and Aries), the duplications and take into consideration his intercepted Chiron. First, let’s look at his 6th house ruler: Libra. Libra ruling the 6th house is usually a sign of self-care in a physical sense and beauty and care in everyday routine, pets or a desire of taking care of one. Though, with his Saturn singleton in Aries (opposite Libra) I can see how he works too much and disregards his mental and physical health (12th house would be mental health here). A helpful way of dealing with this is arranging a routine in which he assembles self-care and private time (he had a lack of, which the interceptions point at) to feel instead of brushing his emotions off (12th house interception). He will feel lonely. He longs for love with his Pluto conjunction his descendant, he can even become obsessive about it and feel the need to be with somebody. But as long as he doesn’t understand he deserves UNconditional love from most importantly himself, he won’t be able to allow (healthy) love in his life and recognize when he isn’t being treated the right way, because he pushes others away and has no clarity of what he deserves. In this routine that I have previously mentioned, where he shall implement self-care and privacy, he needs to give himself time to feel and not push his emotions away anymore. And as he accepts his emotions and turmoil, this 12th house part that we all have (this part that Billie addresses in idontwannabeyouanymore), that is hurt and deals with all the things we brush off in a “call me what you wanna, ‘cause I’ve probably called me worse.” way (self-criticism with the Chiron in the 6th — as Chiron is also healing and the 6th house comes together with routine and stability, I can see how this fortifies my claim — and interceptions). When he lets himself feel, accepts his negative feelings and takes care of himself, he will learn to love ALL of him (also his “demon” and will learn to access his 12th house). Through all of this, he will trust himself and his intuition more, learn to use both his brain & heart — here I think it’s remarkable that Melanie has multiple Taurus placements and a Scorpio rising — as the line between reality and delusion isn’t blurry anymore. Listening to his intuition, he will start to feel comfortable with himself and the things and people around him. He will learn to surround himself with the things he feels comfortable with, and not only “should” (brain). This is a big desire: comfort. His Cancer/Capricorn duplications leave him longing for a home, though as long as he doesn’t feel at home with himself, he won’t feel at home anywhere (ties in with 2nd house Cancer and his self-esteem being ruled by the moon with a desire for comfort). And when he learned to love, accept and feel comfortable with himself, he will allow love into his life and not push anyone away anymore (he will learn that it doesn’t matter if he failed or not, if he worked hard enough or not: he deserves love and care like he gives it to others). This is how he could “unlock” his Venus, perhaps. Regarding his Neptune retrograde in the 9th; in conjunction with his 12th house being intercepted, he needs to learn to create a sleep pattern that is healthy and provides him with enough rest. This will then also strengthen his trust and intuition.

Also, his Pluto Mars conjunction conjunct his 7th can imply that whenever he experiences hurt or is left by somebody else, he can transition this pain and obstacle into power and drive, motivation with which he approaches new relationships. This ties in with the dominant role that Saturn plays in his life, as Saturn is essentially working hard through hurdles and misery to come out successful.

So, now that we’ve established that his chart is challenging in regards to his love life and really just anything, we can get into the actual thing haha

⇢ confession/beginning stages

His Libra Sun and Mercury in the 5th, Gemini rising and Aquarius mc can give him a very playful and airy first impression

He is generally attracted to mannerism, soft spokenness and gentleness, as he also likes showing these parts of himself to romance others haha

Would probably take it slow and not rush into relationships (would take a while to confess, he first has to relish in the feeling of having a crush lol)

He might want to introduce himself as the fun and flirty version of himself, though I feel like he’d be way less bold than Minho (he’s a shy Libra bean) — it doesn’t mean he’s “acting” or anything. That’s just as much him as is every other part of his chart.

I don’t think his Venus would shine through in the beginning (I’d be more his air signs taking the lead, talking away and vibing lol) He’d most likely keep it light and nice on the first date, show off his manners yk👀

His intercepted Venus stressed that it would take him a lot of work to let himself freely express his love language and refrain from bottling it up

But once he does let himself express his love freely, during his confession or an intimate moment, it would fizz all up

His confession may be very thought through and planned, though in the moment, he’d just improvise anyway and fizz up like a bottle of sparkling water under too much pressure from holding back everything

Heartfelt confessions are his specialty, though he’d probably get very emotional

Scorpio is already kind of a wild sea, waves hitting the stones, but that interception would just contribute to this inner tension and turmoil

Once he feels attraction toward somebody, it can be very intense, even scary at times

His confession would be the one of a young boy who feels love for the very first time, intense and emotional, maybe clumsy

Though he’d mean every word

He’s just such a loving and caring person,,,,I’m not crying you are because even astrology says he’s nurturing and lovely

⇢ overall behavior in relationship

I feel like this short fic describes it pretty well haha (I read it and immediately thought of his Scorpio Venus interception)

It could be scary for him to be in love with somebody and go past the first, flirty phase

He’d be very devoted and give his all in the relationship (like how Minho would)

Just with the exception that Minho is pretty aware of this part of himself and embraces it with confidence

Though Chan on the other hand would get to know himself in another light

His emotions would fizz up, as he’s held the desire for love back for way too long (his Libra placements and especially his Pluto descendant conjunction have been begging him) and he could perhaps find the intensity of his romantic feelings scary or shocking

His Pluto descendant conjunction gives him a transformative feature. He can be drawn to relationships in which power dynamics can become toxic, though he has the skill to take the pain and transform himself from a hurting to a more powerful person in control. This can be something to look out for when he hasn’t yet gone through the lesson of acceptance and love for himself as his little self-esteem can be abused by a partner with this placement (Also, his Taurus interception hints at a lack of self-worth and boundaries, just like his 12 and 6th house interceptions do, as he can have issues recognizing when something is happening to him that is not right and he doesn’t deserve). Pluto conjunct the descendant can also hint at a partnership in which both partners are very successful and work together toward wealth, success and a comfortable home. His Venus is intercepted and this aspect points at, amongst other things, an unknowingness when it comes to an ideal type or what someone looks for in relationships. The Pluto descendant conjunction and Venus placement suggest that he is subconsciously on the outlook for or especially attracted by somebody who he can work hard together with and is devoted to the relationship and him. He may end up with somebody very successful and wealthy, who transforms him deeply as this person can feel to him like they are too intense for words to describe them.

His Mars conjunct his Pluto and the descendant accentuates what I previously said as he tends to express his drive and motivation in one-to-one relationships, which can bring a passion and determination into a relationship. He tends to get swallowed up by what he does, oftentimes forgets time or a sense of when to stop when he’s especially motivated or passionate about something. In a relationship that could mean a great deal of loyalty and devotion as well as proactiveness when it comes to achieving shared goals and fulfilling shared desires.

His Venus is in a square aspect with his Neptune, which is in retrograde. As I have discussed before, he needs to give himself time to let himself feel. Here it is suggested that there can be a cloud where certain feelings lie. He has a hard time accessing his subconscious, dreams, spirituality and intuition (in conjunction with his 12th house and Neptune rx he, as he has also confirmed, doesn’t have a good relationship with sleep). He has difficulty with his feelings and recognizing, accepting and embracing them. He can be prone to deception and misjudgment (reality and delusion are blurred, as I said previously and also mentioned a way to “unlock” that). Here it’s possible he may choose a partner not right for him, somebody who deludes him into that tale of an intense and powerful bond as his Venus interception also suggests, as already mentioned; he doesn’t consciously know who he’s looking for. He simply craves love and a comfortable, successful future and tends to see that in people who are not for him. It may be hard for him to feel fulfilled if he doesn’t feel fulfilled with himself yet and also because of this deceptiveness he tends to have.

All these things, the 7th house, Pluto, Scorpio, Mars and the interceptions are very much rooted within him. Having watched this video (I would highly recommend you to check her channel out if you’re into astrology!) on shadows and blind spots in astrology, I realized that love and Chan’s attitude toward love is deeply rooted in him. It can be a sensitive topic and bring out blind spots, parts of himself that he doesn’t really know or want to except. He may push his s/o away for bringing out these deeply rooted and emotionally triggering as well as intense things and shining a light on these aspects he dislikes and rejects about himself. He can live in denial of his longing for love and behavior in love as well as his desires, and be protective over these things. This can express itself in engagement with toxic endeavors and relationships. A build-up of jelousy, rage, vengeance and other negative qualities associated with especially Scorpio can come into play. He may be in denial of them and hardly even be able to access these parts, though I feel like in relationships, these qualities are prone to explode in his chart, as he is also likely to bottle anger up and avoid conflict. Maybe he has a hard time staying with somebody, though he is a devoted lover, because he can’t address the problems rooted within himself and rather projects them onto others in one-to-one relationships. Again, though, when he lets himself feel all these negative feelings, all the hurt and aggression, he can transform into a very powerful person and change who he is on a deeper level. These placements, which are tightly conjunct with love and relationships, point at the most vulnerable and scariest parts of him. Confronting scary parts and being brave is the key here!

His Venus interception, if not resolved, (though even when it’s resolved, it won’t forever be gone,) poses obstacles in love style and overall behavior in specifically romantic relationships. He may be shy and tapping into the unknown as he can be clumsy and confused in love. Like a boy loving for the first time, he will have issues expressing his love in a way he feels like is true to himself or feels comfortable. He has difficulty accessing Scorpio qualities and since his Venus lies in Scorpio, I can see him also bursting sometimes. As in, one day he’s more cold and holds back and on another day he showers his s/o with all the love. He can be very intense in love, especially on these days where he just can’t hold back anymore, where this intensity fizzes up.

I think he’d run into a lot of problems finding somebody who is right for him, but once he’s figured it out, he will be such a devoted partner with a passion to proactively work on the relationship and shared goals and desires. He will work hard for the relationship, just like he does for everything, because after all, that’s how he expresses himself with his Saturn singleton; through work and dedication. Love can be life-changing for him. But emotional highs and lows can occur as he “transitions” and continues to grow. It can often be a deep transformation that can feel like death and rebirth. This is the thing I’ve talked about earlier: he is self-destructive (and can also project these denied things about himself onto others) as he tries holding things associated to Mars, Pluto, the 7th house and Scorpio in his chart back/in. The interception being “unlocked” doesn’t make it disappear though — he’ll still be struggling with it and find it hard to address his emotions, establish routine or take care of himself as he gets lost in his passion and work-ethic.

Lastly, we cannot forget that the 5th house, the Sun, the Moon and the 2nd house usually play a big role concerning love in the birth chart as well. Most of these placements reflect how he knows himself and identifies with certain traits. All the previous things I’ve discussed are things hidden and deeply-rooted in his persona that he can have difficulties recognizing and coping with. So let’s jump into the parts of himself that he’s more comfortable with and more aware of, which also implies a more direct and conscious expression of the following aspects. As I already said referring to the first stages; he approaches romance in a flirty, gentle, fun and romantic way. He may enjoy going on dates a lot, meeting new people, being open-minded and generally gets along with most. He just has an easy time with romance in general as he possesses a natural way with words, though shyly, and a characteristic ability to attract many. It could be that he sees it as a priority to keep the romance alive, so he will keep arranging dates and such all throughout the relationship. Somebody with Libra placements or traits can make him feel special and admired, understood even. He can be a good advisor, great at giving compliments or a “therapist figure” to his partner, and is generally very giving. Good for him would be somebody who gives him validation, reminds him of his self-worth, respects his personal space and creates an environment of privacy and intimacy that’s in a way secret and visatable to only him and his s/o. Somebody who provides comfort, care and affection. (Something else would be conditional love. He could base love off of fairness and imply conditions, which both his Libra placements and his Neptune rx suggest, as Neptune can represent unconditional love and the “merging” of two souls. His Venus in the 6th can also suggest high expectations that hold him back from forgiving his partner’s mistakes and flaws as he could hold a grudge or hold these mistakes against his partner in future affairs.) He may also show his affection in a more practical way with gifts, acts of service and touch.

⇢ dates

I can see him being pretty spontaneous haha. Sagittarius is on the cusp of the 7th house and his Pluto and Mars, which are conjunct his 7th, are also in Sagittarius, so he may enjoy little trips into other cultures with his partner to relax a bit from work. Also, let’s not forget, he has his Sun and Mercury in his 5th and many personal Libra placements, he’s a big romantic. It’s how he knows himself, how he shows himself, how he communicates and how he feels. I thought I’d mention this part of his personality, because it’s the most straight-forward and commonly known “version” of Chan, even to himself. Since a partner tends to bring out 7th house qualities and motivate a person to be less their ascendant (the person they were motivated to be as a child or in their early lives) and more a “hidden” version of themselves (so in Chan’s case more bigger-picture-oriented or in favor of getting to know new cultures instead of only taking short road trips,...). So, here’s a little scenario in 1st person (just skip it if you’re not into flash fiction haha):

After 17 hours of flights and waiting, a hard-bedspring hotel mattress seemed a dream, but “the stars shine bright tonight,” Chan smiled

So instead of a douvet, a beach towel pressed against our backs

It had been 2 months, and though it was only an extended weekend, I was gonna spend every second enjoying him and Montpellier.

“I still hate that I forgot my dress.”

“You look better in my jacket anyway.”

The waning moon painted the sea, shone in his eyes

“Can’t have a cute French guy steal my baby.” Sweater paws covered his dimples, but his eyes told in the way they winged up

“Never.”

The Scorpio and Pluto conjunction is coming through🤭

Taper candle lit and polyester napkin folded into a lotus, we sipped on the nicest sounding wine the menu offered.

He laughed with gold in the eyes, an Italian-style suit and curls on his forehead.

“I’ll get whatever they do.” He tilted his head as shadows traced his dimples. The waiter rose his brows.

“I’d like...uhm...Beu- Boeuf bouuu-” Letters morphed into each other, a strand fell.

“Boeuf Bourguignon. Oui, ready in a minute, madame, monsieur.” He left behind an onion smell.

When Chan reached for Ficelle slices, sleeves were loose on his suit.

“This garlic spread’s nice.”

“So nice, you’ve got to have it on your face?”

He covered his face with the sleeves as he wiped

And then some of the spread ends up on his sleeve lol

If life is a movie // Oh you’re the best part.

11:23pm

D-Major vibrated off his acoustic guitar, and his voice accompanied mine through the last chorus

The mattress was softer than expected and his voice fuzzier than I’d remembered.

Love me, won’t you “ever leave me”

Guitar on the bedside table, his arms enclosed me. Nowhere else would I have rather been. (Lol sorry for being cheesy)

Also can we just appreciate his TALENT for a second like this man gives me goosebumps with that tone and his stunning vocal stability☁️💗

Additional small thought; I think with his Sun conjunct his Mercury in the 5th, he isn’t only good at communication, thinks a lot and is proud of it, but also probably talks to himself haha

Feel free to lmk your own thoughts on this post as well as other aspects concerning his chart, let’s chat!💫

//I also want to add that, yes, without the possibility of him using his birth chart to his advantage and making his “demons” a controlled part of him that he turns for the better, he does have a very difficult love life focused on business and unhealthy power dynamics in which he would most likely be the one seeking control, considering his libra placements as well as the significance of Saturn in his birth chart suggesting that he feels the constant need to conform to societal norms for self-esteem reasons and others talked about above like the Saturn retrograde.//