#is it not worth it to worry about your own self?
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Personal update below
Tw: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, blood
Here it is, the words I’ve been unable to type, much less say out loud. Late in the night a few nights ago, I woke up to some abdominal cramping and went to the bathroom. I had been bleeding vaginally all day, but not enough to be super concerned.
I woke up and went to the bathroom, and knew something was wrong. To spare the details, I was bleeding a lot, cramping severely, and I knew my baby was gone. I felt empty inside, despite only being about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. Intuition, I suppose. I just felt so lonely, as if I wasn’t supposed to be the only occupant in my body.
My husband took me to the hospital and after hours of invasive poking, prodding, and testing, a nurse practitioner I will likely never see again, who will likely never think of me again, told me that my baby was gone. He was straight forward, which I like in medical personnel. He told me my pregnancy was unviable and that it’s common. That we shouldn’t worry. These things happen. It’s normal, common. The three or so minutes felt like an eternity, waiting for him to leave so I could fall apart in the privacy of my husband’s arms, despite the lack of privacy an emergency department offers.
The hospital was so sterile, the bright lights and lack of windows made it impossible for you to track the passage of time. The winding hallways a maze of monotony, making it impossible to know how to return to your room without a guide. The walls were devoid of any real color, save for tv screens and workplace posters. And yet, the room I was placed in was the only room with decorative curtains. All the other curtains were just a shade of navy.
Mine had flowers on it, as if the world or God or the hospital wanted to offer me some reprieve, some reminder that for the hospital, this was routine, but that it wasn’t routine for me. That I deserved something for my eyes to find comfort in.
So here it is, the new reality I find myself in. My baby is gone. The rare statement that, once it becomes true, will never change.
I’m reeling a bit from this loss, as you can imagine. I’m gutted. I got married right at the beginning of the year, falling pregnant not long after. I joked with my husband that I started the year off becoming a wife and was ending the year becoming a mom. I suppose it really was just a joke in the end, but I’m not sure if the punchline was me or my continued optimism, in spite all that I’ve endured.
Anyway, everyone was extraordinarily kind to me when I had posted that I was pregnant. I know that technically I don’t owe anyone details of my personal life, especially not this personal, but I wanted to share it because I don’t want to be sad and alone. And perhaps this will find its way to someone else who has felt some loss recently, whether it be the loss of someone or something, or a loss of self or identity, or a loss of the future you had planned out. Maybe they will feel some connection to this. Or maybe one day someone will think of this as they reel with their own loss.
I don’t regret sharing the news so early, despite the circumstances that have now led me to making this post. Any joy we can find is worth sharing, even if it’s fleeting, especially if it’s fleeting, and even if it’s for some stranger on the internet.
Anyway, I have my dogs and my husband, who are very loving. I’m not sure when I’ll post this, I’ll likely stick it in my queue somewhere so it feels less like I’m hitting the ‘post’ button and more like softly whispering all of this in the wind.
I will be okay, I always am. Grief is a black hole I am trying navigate and figure out where it ends and I begin, trying to remember what my new life will be like and how to grieve yet another version of myself lost to time and trauma and sadness.
There is no narrative device here, nothing I did could’ve changed the outcome. Sometimes the world is just needlessly cruel.
This doesn’t really affect anything on here or what I choose to interact with. I’m still okay discussing/reading/writing about babies and kids and everything in that realm. I just didn’t want anyone asking after the baby and making someone feel bad for wanting to know how I was doing.
Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a despairing note, even though that is the tune of my life at the moment. I want to remember that my now is not my forever, and I hope anyone reading this that is experiencing any manner of suffering takes as much out of that sentiment as I do.
Yours,
V ❤️
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I’m normal.
Proceeds to scream about Sae and his fucking face Rin remembers
Damn IT SAE. Did you even sleep in the plane or even the days before your flight? Are you high?
I wrote a fic rant ahaha why my brain switched to brainrot.
He goes to his room and destroys everything that reminds him of the shattered dream. And the crack in the glass of a frame showing their win. Was it worth it?
Itoshi Sae and Rin are dumb but the fact that they can’t communicate with each other is on a different fucking level.
Considering Sae most likely saw Rin first and not home (still had his suitcase), makes me believe he needed to rid of himself the only tethering line that stood in his way of freedom. Maybe a chance for the forward position again. Or so he thought. But it only made it worse.
Rin took it hard. His own brother left him to pick up the pieces of a dream. All for him. All for their bond.
Imagine even after that shitshow in the playing field, Sae and Rin walking home with a slight distance. It would look normal to anyone else but to them, it was an impenetrable field that neither would dare cross.
Their parents are none the wiser and celebrates Sae’s return with dinner, the brothers sit next to each other in silence. Sae only responds to answer his parent’s questions about how he’s doing, what Spain is like, etc.
Rin sits in silence, the only sound is from his chewing.
‘Act normal.’
Sae asks for a different room to sleep in. He needs more space, the bed they’ve slept in together is now too small for two teens.
Rin refuses to show off his emotions.
‘Act normal.’
He’s seething. Rin wanted to rip his brother apart.
15 years and for what?
Rin excuses himself for a bath. In reality, he sat in the tub so long his mother knocked asking if he was alright. He wants to scream.
‘Act normal.’
Sae didn’t come in to check on his brother. Sae just listened as his back was against the wall that separated their rooms.
The sound of crashing, breaking, destroying everything they worked for together. Rin wants to destroy the past. Destroy the thing that will forever haunt him.
‘Rin…’ Sae swallowed his own saliva. He worried. He worried Rin might hurt himself.
Sae felt heavy as reality of what he done might not mend his connection to Rin for the rest of his life. It was hard to breathe. He could feel an imaginary shackle tight around his neck. Almost feeling asphyxiation. His sin branding into his mind. The guilt hanging heavy.
But he can’t go. He severed his line with Rin.
He sniffled. Sae covered his face with his hand, feeling a hot wetness his past self threw out as his decision to be a midfielder was cemented.
But he couldn’t get up and out to apologize. His own pride won’t allow it. He needed Rin to move on. He needed to ground himself from Rin.
Rin’s too dependent for his brother and that hurt Sae more than he could imagine.
“I hope you’ll forgive me one day.”
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I just got a comment saying I should have tagged for dom/sub undertones and I'm a little confused. In canon, this guy always bosses his wife around re: doing shit that's healthy for her - napping, drinking water, remembering to eat more than once a day, getting more than 3 hours of sleep - and she lovingly calls him "Boss Man" as a nickname because of it. On some occasions where she's gone more than a day without eating he'll swipe her phone and order her to eat before she gets it back, something she always seems to find endearing. There's a lot of 'I didn't mean to worry you', 'you're worth worrying about, now here's your favorite homemade walnut bread' stuff, all there in canon, just lifted from canon and transplanted into my fic.
Is this dom/sub stuff? I'm aroace so I've never been in a relationship, but I assumed "take care of yourself" "I will but I will call you a silly nickname over it" was regular relationship stuff. Or is it that the frequency of it makes it dom/sub stuff, and I'm just not grasping that because my neurodivergency is making me not read the social cues correctly? I was only recently diagnosed but this has been a problem for a long time, the whole line between normal and abnormal behavior, so I thought I'd ask you. You're much more well-read than I am and know a lot more about shipping dynamics and how they're tagged. I feel like you're an expert whose opinion carries a lot of conclusions-informed-by-knowledge and so your take could help me figure this out.
People who are doms or subs or write them, if you have a guide on this stuff, that'd be cool, too. I want to educate myself more so I know if I should tag something. After all, I can't get my story to people who want to read it if it doesn't show up in the tags they're searching for. Readers aren't mindreaders. It's on me to make sure they can get ahold of the things they're looking for. I just need to work around my own ADHD-addled brain to do it.
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I think this is the usual pattern of demanding silly tags that would only make sense in that reader's own bookmarks.
Yes, caretaking and food control of various kinds can be a part of BDSM. No, your description of canon does not make it sound like this has obvious undertones.
Readers are going to have different interpretations. It's possible that other readers would agree with this one. I have my doubts. I suspect they're projecting. But sure, maybe other people would think there was some of that vibe.
However, if you did not intend the fic to read this way, I would not add the tag. This is not what the fic is about.
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As for what this kind of thing can look like when it is intended as a dom/sub activity, the movie Secretary has a bunch of examples. She calls him on the phone to tell him what her family's dinner looks like that night; he gives her instructions about which things she can eat how much of. The way she acts while making that phone call makes it clear it's an exciting game to her. Another time, he tells her she's not allowed to cut herself anymore: he will provide what she needs.
Even if the characters are being playful, just nagging someone to do basic self care doesn't really come across as this. It's more charged when it's an intentional power exchange thing.
It's more like... hmm... if you and a friend agreed to LARP as characters for a day. Even if you were acting fairly normal and doing things you'd often do anyway, there would be this added extra vibe to it that someone who knew you well could probably detect.
It's not so much about the specific behaviors: it's about the extra meaning those people ascribe to them. If it doesn't seem like the canon characters think of this caretaking any specific way and you, as the fic author, don't see it that way, then I don't think it will generally read as a dom/sub thing to most readers.
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late night talks
oneshot summary: insecurities are brought up one night, a much needed talk, because you both have a hard time talking to one another.
content warnings: mentions of insecurity
fandom: the punisher
character: frank castle x reader
gender neutral reader
It's a cold night, and it made you worry about what bitter cold Frank had felt when he was out there fighting crime as you patch him up. The rain pounding against the windowsill, the way that the thunder sounds similar to the tension you feel in your head. You dab at the various cuts that Frank has, him only slightly wincing, as the both of you sit in silence in your shared apartment. There is still some wet shine to his hair, even after he attempted drying it with some towels.
But his injuries were more serious than the wet drops on the couch as you made him sit down to help the patching up. You bite your lip, worried you wouldn't be able to do the stiches correctly. You wince when Frank winces, but he fleets his fingers over your wrist soothingly, letting you know that it's all good, and you feel bad. You were supposed to comfort him after his vigilante fights, and all of a sudden the self destructive thoughts were crowding your mind.
"There." You murmur, rubbing your hand over the ends of the stich, hoping it wouldn't come undone. You take the first aid kit back to the bathroom, and walk back to the living area, where you continue to fix up anything that was strewed. You throw yourself into the work to try and put the insecurities at bay, where you start to feel as if you're not worth his time, considering he was putting his energy into trying to better the world. You feel as if you were only holding yourself afloat, unable to put the same energy into the world.
"Thanks sweetheart, for the help." He gives you a soft look, head tilting to the side. He notes your cleaning as your worry response, wondering what was going through your mind. When you get close enough for him to grab your wrist, he does just that. He pulls you close to him, mindful of the stitching you just did, making sure you were comfortable against his side.
He rubs slow circles into the skin where your shirt had rode up, trying to quell the anxiety you were having. Sure, your relationship was fairly new, coming in at around 8 months, but he could pick up on a lot of your mannerisms. He just never quite knew how to address it. He was never quite in touch with his feelings as well, not so much after Maria, but when he met you, he realized he'd have to figure it out. Which he might be able to navigate tonight.
He just had to figure out the correct way to ask you how to help you. Until he's able to ask the question, you both sit in silence as he continues to rub sweet circles into your skin.
In the mean time, you still brew in your own feelings. You aren't sure where your feelings were coming from, but they've been ruminating for the past couple weeks. Insecurities are always bound to pop up, no rhyme or reason for when they show up. Never coming in at a good time either. The last thing you wanted was to have to break down in front of Frank, who arguably needed more comfort for his injuries.
You feel clouded in your mind, barely able to focus on Frank's touch on you. You stare outside at the down pour of rain, focusing on the meaningless insecurities flooding your mind. You aren't one to rely on others for emotional needs, having grown up in a house hold where it was frowned upon to express yourself in a way that was perceived as a nuisance. It made you learned to not rely on others for your emotional needs, to bottle it up. It doesn't mean that you don't want to talk to Frank, you just feel that you would be burdening to him with something he wouldn't want to hear in his time of hurting or to be bothered with your insecurities.
Worried that your feelings would be trivial to talk about, you choose to keep what insecurities inside, always choosing to bottle it up. The worry about not being good enough for Frank, for worrying you won't live up to his expectations of you, has been weighing on your mind a lot lately. What if he didn't think highly of you, what if you were just a stepping stone for the next aspect of his life and he would move on from you? What if he realizes that you simply aren't good enough for him?
It doesn't register to you that you're crying until Frank is wiping the tears from your face as best as he can. This provides him the opportunity to ask you what's wrong, although he feels his heart skip a beat at having waited until you were crying to ask you what was wrong. It's instances like these, he wishes he wasn't so rusty on emotional tending to skills.
"Hey there, what's with the water works, huh?" He asks, adjusting you both so you were now in between his legs, him lying on the arm rest and you still sitting up so he could look in your eyes. He wants to be able to see your face, to be able to see your emotions.
You were taking breath after shuddering breath, trying to get past the lump in your throat before you speak. You try to wipe away tears and you try to avoid Frank's heavy gaze. He stops that though, reaching forward a hand to resume wiping tears, pulling your face to look at him.
"I just can't be good enough for you. I don't know where it's coming from, I just don't feel like I can do enough for you or match where you're at." You go on to repeat a lot of your inner insecurities, feeling lighter with each vulnerable moment that passes. Frank listens in quietness, your ramblings about your insecurities being something he cares about deeply.
"You know, I also feel the same way. Not to overshadow, but I also feel like I'm not enough for you. You're the perfect person for me, and I don't want to ruin what we have, or to scare you away. I want you to know you're not alone in these feelings, but we can lean on each other until they go away." He says, giving you a sweet look. It makes you confused, because you think he's perfect for you. He's attentive for what your needs are, and does his best to meet you where you need him to be.
"You notice that feeling? The one where you want to tell me I'm wrong, that I shouldn't feel this way? That's how I feel when you say that you think you're not good enough for me. I think you are enough for me, and I know insecurities want you to believe otherwise, but they're not true."
He gently maneuvers you to lie on top of him, careful of the wounds he has, but he wraps his arms tightly around you, and you breath in his scent.
"I will always love you, and you will always be enough for me. I will always be enough for you." And that's enough words for the both of you to be taking in at the moment, knowing that the sentiments went both ways. It's all the both of you need.
#frank castle#frank castle oneshot#frank castle x reader#frank castle imagine#the punisher#the punisher oneshot#the punisher imagine#the punisher x reader
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weird list of life lessons I’ve learned from age 18-19 because i think I had a character development arc lmao
Things do get better, they also get worse. Nothing stays the same, but if you just keep going then even the worst shit will be ok.
self perception and little individual labels are so unimportant. You are the things you do. Work on yourself instead of worrying about your various categories.
happiness isn’t that hard to find if you’re not expecting anything. So many little things are what make life worth it.
self pity gets you nowhere. You get to decide how you’re going to respond to your circumstances, and as good as it can feel, sitting in a pit of “this is so unfair, I can't believe this is happening to me” only makes you feel worse.
on the flip side: self pity isn’t the same as letting yourself feel bad. You need to let yourself feel like shit, and you need to acknowledge those shitty feelings, otherwise they pile up and consume you and that's how you end up in the self pity hole. When I was walking a few days ago, I felt really weird, and I realized it was because I felt upset about letting the last year of my life go. Once I acknowledged that, I instantly felt better and I haven’t struggled with that since.
It’s possible to find joy in the shittiest situations, this doesn’t make them any less shitty, but it makes you more equipped to roll with them and not get stuck in your own head.
I already said this but seriously labeling your identity is so unimportant. I was so far up my own ass in high school, I had to label every little feeling and experience, and I was so obsessed with how I was perceived, and then I went to college and had to learn the hard way that I just am who I am, and I am what I do. Your desires to be perceived a certain way, obsession over embodying whatever you perceive yourself as, is not doing anything good for you. Identity can be important, but if you’re obsessing over it, maybe take a step back and ask yourself if it matters.
you are never going to stop having to work on yourself, change, especially positive change, isn’t something that happens to you, it's something you work for.
Negative experiences are unavoidable, and important to have. If I’d avoided all the shitty stuff in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am now. Lessons are in everything.
People probably care about you a lot more than you think they do.
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What to say to somebody if they have a queer identity you "don't agree with":
Nothing
No, literally. Nothing.
#lesbian#gay#bi#bisexual#trans#transgender#queer#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#and what do you do if sayong nothing doesn't satiate you? you should just walk away and invest in your own worries/delights#policing another person's identity will *never* satisfy you ultimately. you will leave the interaction emptier than you came#isn't it worth it - then - to not invest your energy in that way?#is it not worth it to worry about your own self?#like yes i have come across queer people with a very interesting identity but i could never...#...sit down with them and pick then apart piece by piece and DEMAND an explanation...#...what am i a cop? hell no! fuck that noise. i'd rather die#and i would rather just accept people who are harming none. an identity by itself is harmful in the same way a piece of paper is (ie not)
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how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)
#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on#either way#im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔#if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me#again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg#i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever#but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do#and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying#like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative#but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me#oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you#but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't#like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it)#i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable!#fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it#and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier#of my friendships#wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up#the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom)#i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a#'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order#not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i#may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me !#sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭#vee rambles
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also given that the logic of said superiority authoriority is an entitlement to deny someone's personhood & use them as an object for your purposes, from obviously getting to direct what they must do & can't do, to enjoying whatever gratification from lashing out / demeaning which is also going to serve as an affirming exercise in authority when one can do that from an insulated elevated place....a crucial part of whatever form of this violence, from the most nanoscopic triangle in the sierpiński triangle pyramid scheme hierarchy, to the hypothetical largest (zoom in or out to whatever degree: the same shit also), being that indeed the superior parties need the deserved insulation from any Consequence to exerting their superior status, including indeed from having to witness the consequences For the "inferior" parties, such as whatever externalizations of suffering they recognize as such, which either (a) need to be put away (b) are manipulative performances or otherwise exaggerated (e.g. being a pussy / not even having the sense to realize how little suffering they're Really experiencing) or (c) can be fun to witness if you decide you enjoy that as an affirmation of power as per your ability to completely detach from any avoidance of causing pain, harming for its own sake, b/c you Can
all which is to frame how Interesting it is that after all those moments of going "well, they keep bothering with reaction shots of winston noticeably feeling hurt & expressing it, sometimes also verbally. it's like it could be setting up something" it set up Nothing; while once again just like has been done dozens of times a scene just Ends on winston being rejected &/or hurt, no resolution then, no resolution ever, and in the case of 7x03 was so significant an attack that just like in 4x11 when mafee gets to take out his own Loyalty Insecurity on winston while everyone else hangs around in tacit to overt approval, everyone just leaves the room & we get winston staying behind in the Most distant position aaand scene's over! thread's over! david levien get back here after you Liked that 4x12 livetweet of mine pointing out "so see & winston was right anyways??" like....that is: we are given the Perspective of someone who is also now Leaving winston behind, thus immune to the consequences of however that treatment could actually affect him or how he might struggle to deal with that now (who cares! the answer is: Alone) like Whatever, next time we see him he's completely fine now. and i'm just so happening to think that all the little moments of getting to see winston wither & withdraw & etc in reaction to being shitted on was also us being granted the perspective of Gratification that he's punished for speaking or existing or whatever, without it ever going anywhere or mattering beyond that instant. we too are the ones who surely get to relentlessly bully the autistic person & damn if we don't at least enjoy someone getting to go off the rails restoring their ego by doing absolutely whatever they want to him, which just so happens to be perfectly aligned with getting him Back In Line. pull yourself together winston! the only consequences you're experiencing we wanna deal with are the ones where you give us the algorithm we decided we want, actually. and now let's look across the rest of the season where the consequences for wags for being this way (or anyone else for standing by, ready to benefit, with philip bafflingly declaring as well how actually it was brutal in a good way) is approximately fuckall even as of course nobody's pretending he's one of the personal growth guys out here: rian is though, and didn't have to "grow" out of abusing winston or thinking that was fine & good or that of course she's inherently superior! and in the end we have more affection and interest for the Epic Asshole than their Cringe Targets
#yeah once again really appreciate being given the Rewards of that Fantasy of pwning these losers#we get to Glimpse winston going :/ :( b/c that's how we know he was aptly punished for trying to act like he's a fellow person#when we're grabbing his head forcing him back into place in a bigger way it's more important we then dust our hands off & Leave#winston leaving May be that eventual acknowledgment of consequence for w/e scraps of sympathy (pity) billions has for him#but it's made into an episode abt wags w/marked Little care for winston's role & once again Just A Fun Power Trip! for us viewers too!#thoughts amped up from the harmonic resonance of a more zoomed out triangle in the self similar fractal of pyramid scheme hierarchy....#the inferior may be beset w/mass death & violence but um my nice dinner out please?? same No Consequences For The Superior logics#prince shits on winston ep 1? cool! we're giving him a chance. shits on rian ep 12? whoa! whadda hell blunosaur....hang on a minute....#winston billions#how gracious to align us as viewers with the people comfortably shitting on those Beneath Them for kicks & status#and ''pitying'' the Inferior parties doesn't disrupt your superiority so don't worry about that#rian talking to winston like a dog & pitching right in for hurting him via ''he wasn't ever worth listening to But here ya go'' as Pity....#taylor moved away from their being willing to hire him; listen to him; even At All step in even a Tiny bit to insulate him....#towards wanting to forever ignore him & express contempt & tell rian the pitying is Too Much & be right there w/wags in 7x03...?#guess that was just like ''well they can't possibly have an arc of keeping up Any supportiveness / basic recognition of this loser''#but they also don't have to interact w/their own willingness to Insistence on being awful to him either#wasn't even the consequence of [once again we need his epic output...but have treated him like shit?] nah just took it from him :)#anyways; riled. riling times#sure having plenty of firsthand experience with a Refusal to accept like responsibility of produced suffering#there's plenty of room for distress; particularly if translated into irritation/anger; as dismissable to ''haha funny. now anyways''#then there's the option of Resenting whatever evident pain. you can't Tyrannically impose that consequence on Me!!! why i oughta#see also the tyranny of winston Speaking (demanding listening) Being Present (demanding navigation of that) having wants; feelings (NO)....#or you're at more of a loss? you ofc simply get to literally/figuratively walk away :) turning away from winston. ending the scene. shrug#anyways winston is inherently an Other who just so happens to deserve to be Our punching bag & inferior in life yippee wahoo#and by ''just so happens'' we mean clearly Deserves it based on nothing abt what Consequences his actions do or don't have lol lmao#his deserving this inferiority is something more Inherent about him okay lol lmao XD a sentiment unchallenged all 5 seasons he's here#how fun every time rian starts talking to winston with insults & punishment Prompted by his audacity in existing loserishly#what a rollicking episode as wags decides he'll prove his superiority over someone today & everyone claps as he assaults winston. nice!#it was so essential b/c now we can Take his coding w/o having to interact w/him (save 1 meeting just w/sacker!) cool!!! good!!!#lord even knows Where Do I Start Where Do I End It well anywhere & nowhere always & never. the lil topic of ableism & abuse
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Tiny indignity of the day: having to explain to one of the people actively in control of my pay rate how to click a line on a client’s balance history to expand it and see the payments and writeoffs. And also how to tell the insurance payments from the patient payments, even though we’d already repeatedly mentioned what this person’s copay and I’d also mentioned that they paid through the patient portal so you’d think it was pretty obvious whether ‘PTPORT - [$normal copay]’ or ‘PE - [amount that would be weird as hell for a copay]’ was the patient payment I’d mentioned???
(The person in question co-owns the practice I work for, has had access to the admin side of this software since we started using it, and probably genuinely thinks what I’m being paid is something other than depressing never-make-it-out-of-poverty wages because they haven’t had to worry about not making enough money for cost of living since it WAS.)
(I could not begin the explanation, which consisted entirely of ‘the left column has a plus side if there are transactions entered for the line, click the plus sign and you can see the details, explanation finished,’ until she had re-logged in to the software and pulled up a client profile so she could look at it while I explained. )
(She called me with no warning in response to an email reply I had JUST sent. Unrelatedly but still gallingly, her incompetent nepotism hire relative is the cause of half of the non-insurance company-caused headaches I have at work.)
#working for a living#capitalism is so fun y’all#I love it so much here it’s great. so freedom much meritocracy#it would honestly be so much more efficient to just back off and let me handle this project my own damn self#but you know. they’re worried about these balances! so they can’t just delegate the project and leave it be from there#it’s important so A Boss needs to poke at things and leave a bunch of know-nothing comments in the project notes first :)))#and make my job ‘go follow up on the stuff I couldn’t fix!’#like. Why. I would have done the easy ones faster too#without wasting your time on admin stuff and mine on fixing your mistakes#efficiency!!!!#I’m so good at shit someone please pay me a real living wage#getting real sick of the no savings bartering with landlord constant anxiety about food money life#would love it if my aggressive competence and hard work were worth enough for someone to pay me enough to goddamn live#vent#vent tag#rant#work#at least I’m not in retail anymore… but retail did pay me more So.#working for boomers
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Personal in the tags.
#i really need to take the time to thank myself today. i was looking around the house at all the chores I put off. i want more pizza and did#not do grocery shopping today. but i did give myself clean laundry and I should thank myself for that. i got ill but i moved myself to L.A#from the place where i had no health insurance and the weather kept making me sick all the time - i should thank myself for that too. I'm#grateful that i gave myself all the tools I'm using today to get well#and I'm grateful to my past self for giving me an interesting life lol - i just found out my roommates are friends with some mk1 voice cast#and even went to the wedding of one of the actors who voices one of the characters I'd been writing smut about. apparently one of my buds#officiated the wedding even. I like knowing that it's a small world. And I like feeling like I'm finding my place in it. Every little weird#coincidence like this just makes me feel comforted#like yes I'm in the right place at the right time here's a little sign. and stop worrying about the unbuilt ikea shoe rack and pile of shoes#that you didn't get to - you're still doing good enough for yourself just surviving and enjoying a silly kombat game. you know you'd be dead#if you'd stayed behind but you fought your way out and landed in a good place. it is important to acknowledge the effort rather than focus#on the stuff I'm failing to do. just get through this round of antibiotics and unlock all the kontent from the seasonal kosmetics store#and that would be enough. quit pushing and rest. and be grateful to yourself that you gifted this opportunity to yourself for that rest!#hope if anyone is reading you'll think about something you're grateful to yourself for giving you-hope you see your own worth and appreciate#yourself more and more each day
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Nigga.......fuck you.
#you've had six fucking months.#half a year to say something and own up to even a FRACTION of what you did and you literally havent even opened my messages from years ago#i should never have fucking allowed you in my space again.#i should never have gone against my own intuition and let you have access to me.#had the nerve to contact my MOTHER and tell her your regrets about how you left things but can't even say it to ME#fucking coward.#I get we're all grown up and have our own lives and have our own priorities and that i may not be at the top of the list of worries#which i should take to heart! and i should listen to that feeling!#but you went to my MOTHER???#confess all that shit and don't even bother interacting with me after i let you in again??#jesus FUCKING christ I clearly have not learned my lesson in self-worth
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FIRST TIME HIT IT RAW
⋆ toji fushiguro, gojo satoru + fem!reader.
⋆ mdni. breeding, pussydrunk gojo.
repost from my old blog
TOJI
"about fuckin' time" truth to be told, Toji is the one who has been bothering you nonstop about going raw, his first worries to get you pregnant slowly fading when he thinks about how tight your cunt must feel around his bare cock.
and he teases nonstop, "think you can handle me raw, angel?" a self defense method to make you look desperate when he's the one to clench his jaw when pushing into your wet pussy, brows furrowed and sweat dripping down onto your collarbones where he's leaning against. his hands are most definitely leaving prints on your waist where he holds onto for dear life once he's bottomed out, rutting into your cunt with huffed groans. "t-toji...!" you babble his name sloppily, toes curling at every vein and ridge rubbing against your sensitive walls, inching you into orgasming faster.
he's mean and rough, fucking into you like possessed, molding your insides to the shape of his cock so you won't be able to get off by anyone else than him, while at the same time marking your insides with creamy precum.
"gonna cum inside this pretty pussy, and you'll take it all like a good girl" he growls, open mouthed pants leaving his lips in sync with the moans and whines that came from you, almost matching the squelch your thighs produce when his own slam against. you're so full just from cock, but Toji will make sure you're stuffed with his cum as well.
SATORU
all remaining cockiness that could have been left in Satoru's body was quick to leave once the tip of his already drooling cock slid past your folds. "holy shit...!" he whines, truly fucking raw was supposed to feel good, but not this good.
seconds pass and he's already panting and rutting into your cunt like a dog in heat, trying to reach as deep as possible before pounding into you, "feel'so good" he slurs, eyes closed and jaw slacked, and if you thought Satoru was a talker during sex, you just had to wait and see him while going raw, he never shuts up, praising you for being so perfect for him, for taking his cock so fucking well.
"c-cant stop...!" he moans, unable to control the speed he's going at even though you ask him to slow down, but you're so wet n' tight, clenching around him whenever his hips jerk back, as if begging not to let go. "gonna fuck you like this forever" addicted to your pussy and edging himself in an attempt to make this surreal experience last longer, but once his balls begin to clench and his tip to mess your walls with precum, Satoru can't help and slide his fingers across your puffed clit, a pained gasp getting ripped out of his lips once you flutter and cum around his cock, his own orgasm triggering as you squeeze him for all he's worth, yet his hips continue to give tiny trusts into your cunt, pulling out fully before shoving it back with his cockhead, you're so pretty, so ethereal he needs to fuck you again.
#𐔌᭥ᩙ༉#jjk smut#jjk x reader#jjk x reader smut#jjk x you#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader#gojo satoru x reader#satoru x reader#satoru smut#gojou satoru x reader#gojo satoru smut#gojo x reader#jujutsu kaisen toji smut#jjk toji smut#toji fushiguro smut#toji smut#toji x reader
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°˖➴ when your baby …— (JJK MEN)
જ⁀➴ featuring: nanami kento, kamo choso, fushiguro toji, geto suguru and gojo satoru.
જ⁀➴ word count: 2,6k
જ⁀➴ tags: fluff, pregnancy, birth, babies, domestic jjk men, they're all your husbands, them being perfect.
જ⁀➴ note: not proofread, some of these are a bit unrealistic, but keep in mind that it's fiction and i don't have a baby.
°˖➴ when your baby smiles for the first time: [nanami kento]
Birth was a blessing in itself, but having a partner as supportive as Kento made everything worth it, down to the sleepless nights you have been spending trying to get used to your baby’s constant need to be cuddled, fed and taken care of. You were frustrated, it was pretty evident by the tears welling up in your eyes every two seconds along with how you simply refused to be near anyone but your baby and Kento. Thankfully, he was always the one coaxing you to get out of the bed and sit on the balcony, have a full meal and relax while he took care of the baby.
On the outside, it seemed as though Kento had everything under control, and that nothing could affect him as long as you were okay. He never cried when you did (beside when he held the baby for the first time), and he made sure to validate your every frustration and fear, all while telling you that everything will be okay.
Which brings us to this moment, with both of you sitting on the couch with your baby on his lap. One of your favorite things about these nights was that Kento never skipped them and always made sure to play with your baby for a bit before helping you put her to bed. Even when he was incredibly exhausted.
Kento rocked your baby back and forth, enjoying the happy and curious noises leaving your daughter’s mouth. Your husband’s pointer was gently tracing her face, humming a soft tune about how adorable she was all while helping her be more aware of her body.
“And those are your eyes,” his tired voice came out. “And this is your nose,” accompanied with a boop, “and those are your precious cheeks,” a laugh escaped his lips when your daughter seemed to try to escape from the ticklish feeling of his finger and you chuckled at the scene. Your happiness was so contagious that your daughter’s lips twitched and a giggle escaped her lips.
“Oh,” Kento paused his movements but it only seemed to make your daughter giggle even more. “Look at you,” a smile broke on your husband’s face and he leans down to brush his nose against hers. “Is daddy your favorite comedian already?” And the louder her giggles got, the harder it was for your husband to contain his own laughter. He throws his head back on the couch and closes his eyes, and when he leans back down towards your baby girl, her smile only gets bigger and bigger.
You bring your legs up to your chest and watch the scene unfold with a heart full of love and adoration for your husband and the human being you both created. And when Nanami notices your silence, he supports his baby girl’s head with one hand and reaches his free hand towards your leg to caress it.
“Are you okay, darling?” To which you flash him with a smile that Kento could only describe as one that filled his heart to the brim.
“Never been better.”
°˖➴ when your baby first rolls over: [kamo choso]
You were well aware of how anxious and easily nervous your husband could get. Throughout your entire pregnancy, you were never allowed to be even a foot away from him. On a normal day, you would’ve asked for personal space, but lucky Choso, your pregnancy hormones seemed to make you even more attached to him.
Now that your baby boy was here, all of that anxiety and nervousness was doubled. Instead of worrying about one person and a bump, Choso had to make sure you and your baby were both okay all while trying not to tire himself to stay awake for you two. Night feeds were usually his favorite time of the day, despite your tired self and the sleepiness on your face, watching you try to hold your baby while feeding him always made him lean towards you and press a kiss to your forehead.
Your baby was about three months old when Choso started becoming even more involved with diaper and outfit changing. Not that he didn’t want to at the beginning, you were always far too nervous to let him do anything unsupervised. Your baby was currently on the bed while his father reached for the outfit that he laid out for him. And while Choso was always super careful, you had called out his name before walking into the room and so he turns his head to the door and is confused when you’re wide eyed and staring at the bed.
“What?”
“Look- the baby, Choso!” He turns to stare at his son and is pleasantly surprised when he notices that his son had fully rolled over and was now on his stomach. Your husband doesn’t say a thing as your baby makes noises, almost complaining to you both that he wasn’t seeing you and that his muscles were still too weak to support his head, so Choso rolls him on his back and leans down to press a kiss to his forehead.
“…don’t you think it’s too soon for him to try to leave mid-conversation?”
“Baby,” you let out a chuckle. “I’m sure that’s not what he meant.”
“He’s moving too quickly! What do you mean he was able to roll over?” Your husband complains and he slowly dresses up your son.
“It just means our baby is healthy and functioning well.”
“Yeah,” Choso says softly before picking up your baby. “Our baby.”
°˖➴ when your baby starts crawling: [fushiguro toji]
Toji always thought that he didn’t deserve a second chance at life. He simply thought it was too late to start over, that was until he met you and you made him realize that ‘too late’ didn’t really have a place in your dictionary. You made him experience everything all over again; from falling in love to raising two healthy babies along with Megumi and Tsumiki. You gave him a second chance at being a father all while helping him fix his relationship with his kids.
You always made sure to help Tsumiki and Megumi with their homework while Toji stayed with your baby boy and baby girl. He would sit on the floor and watch as they struggled to even hold up their heads and try to reach for him.
“Come on now, I know you can do it,” Toji held the toy your baby boy was whining to his father to give him, and your husband was very stubborn about what his kids were capable of. Tsumiki and Megumi were already excelling at different sports and even academically, and despite you trying to convince your husband that your babies were only six months old, he wouldn’t listen.
Shifting his attention from his son to his daughter, he reaches for the toy in her hands and slowly takes it away from her. He watches as a pout forms on her lips and her eyes get teary almost immediately, and Toji has never believed in mother instinct as much as right now, because you burst out of the study room at the same time as your baby girl crying.
“Toji,” your disappointed tone as you walked towards the scene made the man turn back towards his babies.
“I just think they should be crawling by now.”
“They need time baby,” you step behind him and look over your baby girl who was trying to rub her teary eyes. “You can try by setting it in front of her, then she can try reaching for it.”
Your husband does as he is told and completely forgets about his son’s toy. Too focused on getting your daughter to move towards her toy, he fails to notice his son slowly crawling towards him to retrieve the small item sitting next to him but you do.
“Oh!” your gasp catches your husband’s attention and he immediately notices his son. “Come on baby! Good job!” Toji doesn’t waste time and turns back towards your daughter, gently coaxing her into moving towards her toy.
“Come on baby girl, come on,” it is very rare for Toji to be smiling so softly but whenever he was with his kids, his cheeks would end up hurting him from smiling too much.
Your daughter’s attention quickly shifts towards the person that walks out of the study room, and when her eyes fall on Megumi, a giggle escapes her lips and she starts moving towards her older brother. You and Toji watch in awe as Megumi sits cross legged on the floor and talks very softly to his baby sister, words of encouragement leaving his lips as your baby girl stops a couple of times and whines at the difficult task at hand.
“Just a bit more, come on,” But once in Megumi’s arms, the boy holds her carefully before walking back towards you and his dad. Toji stands up with his younger son in his arms before patting Megumi’s head.
“Good job, boy. You did well.” To which Megumi responds to with a shy nod before handing you his baby sister.
Moments like these sure made it feel like everything in life was worth it.
°˖➴ when your baby says their first word: [geto suguru]
You never knew you could fall in love twice until you saw your husband become a father to your beautiful baby girls. Not only was he supportive, which was obviously the bare minimum, he still managed to be present for all three of his girls at the same time. The girls were obsessed with their father, and rightfully so, but something you truly admired about your husband was that he made sure to include himself during their play time.
And despite your attempts at convincing him that play time meant playing with dolls and plushies, Suguru was adamant on teaching his little girls very interesting words that had their tiny eight month old brains almost short circuit.
“Sugu, easy there. They can’t possibly know what pontificate means.” You say followed with a low chuckle, watching as the man sat down on the floor with his legs spread wide open for his two girls to sit in the space there and glance at the book their father was holding.
“My girls are smart like their parents,” your husband says with a serious look on his face. “I need their first words to be something smart, something big…”
“I need something that screams Beyoncé,” you say jokingly and your husband shoots you a playful glare.
“Be serious.”
You squat in front of your baby girls and it immediately shifts their attention from the book Suguru was holding and you smile at that. You instinctively open your arms and wait for them to crawl towards you, but instead one of the girls looks back at Suguru and waits for him to look down at her.
“Mama,” your little girl turns to her sister before staring at you and starts crawling towards you and your jaw almost touches the floor.
“Did you just say mama?”
“Mamama,” your other daughter mimics her sister and tries to escape Suguru’s hold, but he catches her in his arms and his happiness seems to be a lot more obvious than yours.
“Yeah baby, that’s mama! She said mama, did you hear that?” You grab your baby girl who was crawling towards you and grin at your husband.
“Didn’t you say you wanted their first word to be something big?”
“You’re their everything, so it is something big.” There was no doubt that you picked the right person to father your children.
°˖➴ when your baby starts walking: [gojo satoru]
You’ve always known that your baby was going to be as hyper as Satoru. Ever since he was in the womb, your baby would not stop moving and kicking, it even resulted in him almost wrapping the umbilical cord around his neck but thankfully, the birth went great and he came out as healthy as ever.
Despite being so sure that the baby would be a carbon copy of his father, your baby boy ended up taking your every facial feature. Satoru couldn’t deny that he wished his baby had his white hair, but something about having a second human looking exactly like you melted his heart. But that was literally the only thing the baby had about you, just the looks. Because God, was he an active baby.
He was holding his head up and rolling on his stomach faster than you had expected, and since Satoru loved to test his boy’s limits, your baby ended up crawling soon after. Not even two months later, your baby was saying his first words and all you could do was nod and smile as people told you how unique your baby was, and a part of you could only wish that you would shelter him from all the attention he was getting. But he was a Gojo, and stuff like this was bound to happen.
But the moment your husband noticed your discomfort, he immediately stopped accepting people when they asked to come over. He was excited to become a father, but it wouldn’t be the same if it meant robbing you of the same place that was supposed to bring you comfort.
And apparently, only he could keep up with his son’s hyper self. Crawling from corner to corner, squealing in excitement and tossing his toys around, Satoru even encouraged his son to grab onto the couch and crawl around the space that was heavily baby-proofed.
“Ah, you’re so eager to walk, aren’t you?” Satoru teases his son as he tries to hold onto the couch and stand up. With a little bit of support on his bum, your baby managed to stand up but freezes there and turns his head to the side where his father was staring at him.
“What, are you scared? It’s not so fun anymore, hm?” Your husband teases your son who seems to be taking his father’s words not very well. He pouts and rests his head on the couch, refusing to look at his dad and Satoru laughs out loud.
“Come on, I was only joking, you’re good at everything just like your dad.” You eventually walk down the stairs and you raise an eyebrow at your pouting eleven month old son.
“What did you do?” you immediately pin the blame onto your husband who gasps and puts a hand on his chest.
“I didn’t do anything!” He pats your son’s bum as your baby’s wobbly legs try to move him around the couch and towards you. “He stood up and got scared, and I found it funny.”
“Oh baby,” you squat down to your baby’s level and reach out your hands to grab him. “Papa is so mean, isn’t he?”
“Am not,” Satoru rolls his eyes but he watches as your son reaches the end of the couch and hesitates to let go. You lock eyes with your baby, and your husband thinks it’s a beautiful example of mothers and babies silently communicating, because no words were exchanged yet your baby knew to trust you completely.
He doesn’t fall into your arms but instead, he pushes himself away from the couch and takes a very small step towards you. You try not to gasp in surprise, and you wait as he takes another step—then another, and another before falling in your embrace and both you and Satoru are wide eyed and surprised at what just happened.
“He just—“
“He walked!” Your husband jumps from his spot on the ground and takes your baby in his arms. “My son is one of a kind! I’m telling you, he will win a nobel prize—“
Satoru always found a way to be excited about any of his son’s milestones.
2023 ; all works belong to @ slttygeto. do not repost my works on any other platofrm.
#moon's works#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen headcanons#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#nanami kento x reader#jujutsu kaisen nanami#jujutsu kaisen geto#jujutsu kaisen choso#jujutsu kaisen toji#jujutsu kaisen gojo#jjk nanami#nanami x reader#gojo x reader#geto x reader#toji x reader#choso x reader#nanami kento#choso kamo#gojo satoru#geto suguru#jjk getou#jujutsu geto#gojo satoru x reader#geto suguru x reader#toji fushiguro#toji fushiguro x reader#toji headcanons#nanami headcanons#jujutsu kaisen fluff
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spoilers for 2.1 !!!!!!!
aventurine rant, please keep in my mind that these are my own thoughts and interpretations. im extremely sleep deprived lol so im sorry if i got anything wrong
something thats been on my mind since yesterday are these lines.
from the start to me, it was very clear aventurine had self esteem/worth issues because of how he treats his own life, but the line that says “the other hand is below the table, clutching your chips for dear life” stuck out to me.
i always assumed aventurine was so incredibly confident in his luck but in reality he is afraid. he’s terrified that he’ll lose. it’s an act. he convinces himself, he fools himself, he forces himself to act like he’s confident he’ll win, when in reality even if he does win, he’s still clutching his chips under the table for dear life because of how terrified he is of losing.
that really messed with me to be honest. i feel tricked and what’s ironic is that he tricks his opponents into thinking he’s confident, and he also tricked ME the player but really, this made my heart break in two because i had absolutely no clue up until now.
so why does he act this way
all throughout his life, aventurine has had his pride stripped away. just try to imagine being in his shoes. i myself do not think i could deal with the situations he was put in. i cannot stress this enough, aventurine has a mark on his neck that screams to him that he has once belonged to someone. he has had his pride stripped away from him countless times. but it’s ironic because aventurine is introduced as a very prideful and flashy man. you start to realize the front aventurine puts on is his own way of protecting himself. it’s how he’s able to live basically. i wanna go into more detail but i will later.
as it was said before, aventurine is an uptight person who worries. he is extremely afraid of losing and he has a massive inferiority complex. aventurine may seem like a go lucky person on the outside, but in actuality he is not. he is not happy. he has no self worth, he believes he has nothing to live for, and he has no problem with throwing his life away. aventurine believes the only good thing he brings to the table is his luck.
but this brings me to my next point.
aventurine may not realize it, but he is so much more than his luck. he has so many good qualities and he doesn’t seem to realize it. even if some of it may be an act, he’s still able to pull it off. he’s still an intelligent business man who is both charming and cunning EVEN if it may be an act, those are still amazing qualities to have in his line of work.
but more importantly, aventurine chose to live. despite witnessing his family die, being a slave, and tortured, he chose to live. he chooses to. i cannot stress this enough. this man has gone through hell and back. he truly has had an incredibly difficult life to the point where my heart hurts so so badly for him. he made the decision to stay alive.
that says more than enough about his character.
and last but not least, aventurine wants one thing, and that is to be with his family. he’s witnessed horrible things in his life that no one should ever go through. he lost everyone close to him, he lost his people. he has nothing to live for and he values his life so little to the point where he has no problem with dying. the only real thing that he wants is just to see his family.
and he will one day, but in the meantime, i genuinely hope this man can find a reason to live, and ratio already gave him one just by that note. i just truly wish aventurine happiness while he lives the rest of his life.
i guess this is a topic that really hits me hard because i know all too well that choosing to live life isn’t easy sometimes and i just love aventurine.
let’s all appreciate how truly amazing his character is.
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One of my favourite things about Young Royals and its characters is how much it romanticizes being utterly ordinary.
Stories often focus on characters who are exceptionally good at something or who are more ambitious than the average person. Even in the teen shows I’ve watched, these young characters always seemed to have their dream career and dream university figured out at a young age and I could never relate to that because I had none of those things figured out as a teen. It always felt like pushing this narrative that teenagers need to have their entire lives figured out before their brains are even fully developed.
None of the characters in YR seem particularly ambitious and in fact, the main character’s journey is a story of anti-ambition. When he is introduced to Simon, it is precisely Simon’s ordinariness that draws Wille to him. Sure, Simon is a very talented singer, but it’s never indicated within the series that he has dreams of being a pop star. It’s just something he likes to do. Simon is motivated by very ordinary things - he wants to do well in school so he can have better opportunities for himself, he wants to take care of his family, he wants to hang out with his friends and play video games. He’s a dedicated student but not necessarily valedictorian. It’s not his ambition that Wille is drawn to but his integrity and kindness and warmth.
Wille had a chance to be extraordinary - to be Sweden’s first gay king - but being extraordinary has never been Wille’s ambition. Wille’s ultimate goal and dream within the series’ narrative is to be free to make his own decisions and live his life as he pleases. He just wants to kiss his boyfriend and get drunk at parties and live his life one day at a time instead of spending every moment of his life preparing for an inevitable future he doesn’t want. In the end Wille is extraordinary not for his ambition, but for his bravery to reject the expectations thrust upon him and throw himself into the unknown and see where it takes him. Wille had a whole future in front of him as crown prince and future king - he’d never have to work a day in his life and would have people advising his every move - and he rejects that. This lack of ambition is not portrayed as a moral failure, but a necessary step in Wille’s journey to personal self-discovery and fulfillment of his own desires. His desire right now is simple - be free with Simon, but that doesn’t mean his dreams end here forever. He deserves peace and tranquility after all the trauma he’s been through without having to worry about where or who he’s gonna be in a few years. He deserves time to just exist.
None of the characters know where they’re going when they drive away at the end. We as the audience don’t know what careers if any these characters will find themselves in, but that’s also not important to this story. The series is saying you don’t have to have everything figured out when you’re 17 and you don’t have to do something just because your parents think they know what’s best for you and even if you don’t know exactly what you want to do, that doesn’t mean you don’t have the agency to know what you don’t want.
It’s not a moral failing to want the simple things in life or to be ordinary, and I love that Young Royals celebrates that. It shows the beauty in simple moments that feel revolutionary to a person - touching the person you love, forgiving someone and making amends after a hardship, whooping with your friends in a car as you drive into the summer and celebrates them. Ultimately these are the moments that make life worth living.
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My dear lgbt+ kids,
Can you have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?
Well, if you trust many social media posts, then the answer would be a resounding "No". Narcissistic is - apparently - a synonym for abusive, and of course you can't have a healthy relationship with an abusive partner!
But, well, social media is not always right. A lot of topics get oversimplified, terms get misused and black-or-white thinking is rampant - and "narcissistic means abusive" falls into all three of those pits.
Let's look at it a bit closer: "Abusive" describes a set of behaviors - while narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) describes, well, a personality disorder. It's a mental health condition.
I am not a trained mental health professional, so I'll use a medical source here. According to mayoclinic.org (link to article), symptoms and their intensity may vary from one affected person to the next (just like the exact symptoms and severity of depression or anxiety may vary!). A person with NPD may
have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance
have an excessive need for attention and admiration
have low/no empathy (struggle to understand or care about the feelings of others)
have low self-worth
be easily upset by criticism
struggle with social interactions
have difficulty managing their emotions
experience major problems dealing with stress
And, again just like with other mental health conditions, NPD can negatively affect the person in a lot of areas of life. For example, struggling to manage their emotions and stress levels may make it hard for them to hold down a job and cause financial worries, or they may avoid participating in social events, which may lead to them becoming isolated and depressed etc. And yes, of course some symptoms may also lead to problems in romantic relationships.
Therapy for NPD usually centers around talk therapy, with the goal of helping the person to better understand and manage their emotions, to learn how to cope with self-worth issues, and to create/maintain healthy fulfilling relationships and communication with the people around them.
Now, you can look at all this and go "See? The social media posts are right! They are self-centered, have no empathy and are easily upset! That's abusive!" - but that'd be jumping to conclusions. None of those things are behaviors.
An autistic person may also easily get upset and they may also feel low empathy. So could a person with major depression. Yet, we do not treat "autistic" or "depressed" as a synonym for abusive. We do not assume that their symptoms will definitely lead to abusive behavior. So, why would that be different for people with NPD?
Am I saying no person with NPD has ever been abusive? Of course not. That'd be black-or-white thinking, too. What I am saying is: People with NPD are people. And people can show abusive behavior or they can not.
If someone who easily feels upset hits you, that's abuse... but hitting would be abuse, even if they didn't feel easily upset. A partner with or without NPD shouldn't be hitting you. If someone with no empathy degrades and insults you, that's abusive... but that would be abuse regardless of their ability to feel empathy. A partner with or without NPD shouldn't be degrading and insulting you.
A person could have NPD and behave abusive - but "some people are X and Y, so all people who are X must be Y" is a flawed logic.
So, let's circle back to the beginning: can you have a healthy relationship with a narcissist? Yeah. It will be a relationship with someone who has a mental health condition and that's something to be aware of because mental health conditions do affect everyday life (duh?).
You should set boundaries and take warning signs of abuse seriously - like you should do when you date anyone, regardless of health status.
With all my love,
Your Tumblr Dad
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