feeling absolutely unwell about how wendy’s love language is acts of service and cat’s love language is physical touch and how wendy is always making physical contact with cat and cat is always taking care of wendy and

of our own making

(an X-Files fanfic)

Chapter 15/34 - nature/nurture

[Read on AO3]

Krista is a lovely young woman. In her second year at Georgetown, with plans to get a Master's and a PhD after her undergraduate studies, having a child really isn't in the cards right now, nor would she be able to financially sustain the situation in a few years time. 

It turns out, the previous couple she'd selected ended up getting pregnant themselves and had to back out, which was just an added stressor for Krista who was trying to focus on her studies, knowing finals season would be approaching sooner than later.

Mulder and Scully are more than willing to step in, and by all accounts, their meeting with her went… well.

Really well, honestly.

Scully had bonded with her over their shared Alma Mater, and even happened to have taken the same introductory physics class as her with an ancient professor who is somehow still teaching after all these years.

Mulder, on the other hand, shares her interest in sports. It seems Krista had been quite the track and field athlete in her high school years, and also won State as the pitcher for her varsity softball team her senior year. 

They left the meeting feeling beyond hopeful, something they were unaccustomed to but were slowly beginning to come to terms with, finally.

“I think she really liked us, Scully!” Mulder says, glancing at her excitedly from the driver's seat of the car on their way home. “Can you imagine? If this works out, in less than six months, we'll be parents!”

“It's a scary thought, isn't it?” Scully asks, unable to suppress her own smile.

Scary, and about a million other things, Mulder thinks.

“The good kind of scary,” he says decidedly, and he delights when she nods in agreement, setting aside her skepticism for a moment.

“Yes.”

The drive back to their apartment goes quickly. The place near campus where they'd met up for lunch isn't far from her building at all, and if it had been a little warmer out, they might have even walked. Mulder puts the car in park and circles the vehicle, holding out his hand for Scully after she closes the passenger door, and her hand slides easily into his.

This is something they do now—holding hands. At some point in this process, the occasional gesture of comfort had turned to a casual, almost everyday thing, and Mulder isn't going to complain.

Maybe it was the need to keep up appearances as a married couple that made them do it. After all, in certain areas of their lives now, it's expected. With the adoption agency, with the birth mother… Their relationship, while close, is not one that fits into the mold of the wider public. It's easier to express it in this way for the benefit of others, rather than their usual way of showing affection.

On the other hand, maybe something between them really had shifted. He wouldn't soon forget how Scully had leaned on him, both literally and figuratively, after Pfaster. A year ago, he's not sure she would have trusted him like that, and in hindsight, she was right not to. He hadn't yet earned her trust back, and he'd regret ever breaking it in the first place for the rest of his life.

But she trusts him now. She lets him hold her and care for her and believe in her—believe for her—like he's always tried to do.

He will always consider standing by her side to be one of his greatest accomplishments in life. More than anything he has gained from his time on the X-Files, he has gained a friend. Someone who truly understands him.

He doesn't know what he could have done to deserve her. 

Maybe he will always battle these feelings of unworthiness, thinking he could never be enough for her, but it's far too late for him to let go now. Losing her would end him. It's why he had been hesitant to accept her proposal to try IVF in the first place. Every curveball life throws at him is just another thing that could potentially rip their relationship apart. He tries his best to keep those “surprises” to a minimum, but every so often, the opportunity presented is too good to pass up.

Sometimes, he has found, it's worth the risk.

He hopes it will be, in this case. They're so close to achieving what she—they— have longed for for so long, but there's still room for error.

The best he can do is keep moving forward. Stay the course, and pray for fair seas up ahead.

He thinks her father might appreciate his sailing analogy, but then again, he probably would have hated him regardless of his use of sea-based figurative language.

In the hallway, an older woman smiles at the two of them, and Mulder forces a polite smile back at her. He knows what her neighbors must think. They've seen him around for years, and he's even met a few of them in passing. But now he lives here, and his name is even on her mailbox next to hers. There's not much he could say to dissuade their gossiping at this point.

Scully opens the door, turning on a few lights as they shed their coats and put them away. The adrenaline that had fueled them before in what was possibly the most important meeting of their lives has left them exhausted, and he happily follows Scully toward the couch in the living room.

A lazy day is just what they need. Things are out of their hands now. After weeks—months —of preparation, they have done all they can. Now, all there is to do is wait.

It's almost routine, at this point, when they share a couch. Scully curls up under a blanket, her head against a throw pillow, while Mulder fishes the TV remote out of whatever crevice he inevitably left it in last time. He has to move her feet a little to sit down, but as soon as he's situated, he lets her rest them up against his leg.

She's somehow always freezing, but he doesn't mind.

He sets a Knicks game on the screen at a low volume and leans back, his head lolling against the backrest.

There’s something about staring at the swirling patterns on the ceiling that lends itself to deep contemplation. The muffled sound of the TV does too, but maybe that's just a him thing. He closes his eyes, thinking through the day's events. Thinking of the future.

“I feel for anyone in her position,” he says, the thought escaping him and breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen. He can sense Scully is still awake though, so he continues. “It can't be easy to give up your own child, especially when the circumstances are out of your hands. But, in this case…” 

He's thought of this a lot, lately. About how one person's misfortune may well be another’s salvation. It's a hard dichotomy to grasp.

“Well, it's a good thing for us, anyway,” he finishes, placing a hand over Scully's ankle. “We might actually get a chance to do this.”

“I hope so,” she murmurs into her pillow.

He opens his eyes, glancing down at her in her restful state.

“We will. I have a good feeling,” he says with all the confidence he can muster. It feels odd, this hope, but it's as real and true to him as the love he carries for his partner. “Wow, it's been a while since I've said those words.”

She breathes out an amused chuckle, curling further into the cushions before she responds.

“For once, I'm inclined to believe you.”

His lips curl in a smile and he playfully tickles her foot. 

“I've never been so happy to hear you say that, Scully.”

He knows he should let her sleep, but there are just too many thoughts running through his head that he can't restrain himself. There's a whole world of possibilities about to open up for them. It's exciting and terrifying all at once, and she knows he’s a compulsive talker in those kinds of situations.

He's thankful that she hasn't grown tired of him already and moved to her bedroom to take a nap instead. If they were really husband and wife, that wouldn't stop him. He'd still be able to talk her ear off all night long if he wanted, or until she kicked him out on the couch.

“I can tell you want to say something,” Scully says knowingly, smirking up at him out the corner of her eye.

She knows him so well.

“You think I could coach little league?” he asks, speaking his thoughts aloud. “I mean, I know the kid’s still like the size of a banana, but in a few years’ time—”

“I think that's a great idea.” She turns slightly, adjusting her position so she can see his face properly, and the ridiculousness of his own question causes his cheeks to redden. But Scully takes him seriously. She always does. That's what makes her different from everybody else.

“We have a lot in common with her, you know,” he says, his fingertips massaging unconsciously into her lower calves. “With Krista. Brainy and athletic, all rolled into one. It'll be like having our own little über Mulder-Scully.”

“Don't make me start a nature versus nurture argument with you,” she says, rolling her eyes.

“I'm a psychologist, Scully. I could make a pretty strong case either way.”

She smiles, shaking her head in what he likes to think can be called fond annoyance. They fall silent, eyes locked in a gaze so heavy that he starts to feel a little drunk. The way she mesmerizes him might be worthy of opening an X-File someday. Just to investigate.

“We might have just met our baby, Mulder. Isn't that crazy?” she says, shifting the conversation suddenly in a more serious direction. There's awe in her voice, and he feels it too. “To have been within five feet of this person we'll know and love for the rest of our lives?”

It isn't like Scully to be so optimistic. She's always lived her life believing that to speak your deepest desires aloud is to make yourself vulnerable. Part of him is surprised that she's not being more cautious now with getting her hopes up, but seeing her this way?

He likes it. He likes it a lot.

Maybe he's finally rubbing off on her.

Her arm pops out of her blanket and she reaches for him, drawn to him like a magnet. He happily entwines his fingers with hers, his thumb stroking over the back of her hand.

“I can't wait, Scully.”

~~~

Lovely tag list ♡: [if you would like to be added or removed, let me know!]

@today-in-fic @ao3feed-msr @agent-troi @angegova @baronessblixen @calimanc @captainsolocide @clo-thespin @cutemothman @danasculls @deathsbestgirl @edierone @enigmaticxbee @figureofdismay @frogsmulder @gillian-anderson-in-the-tardis @hippocampouts @invidiosa @monaiargancoconutsoy @msrafterdark @numinousmysteries @primrose19 @randomfoggytiger @skelavender @skylarksong @stephy-gold @teenie-xf @the-redhead-in-a-dress @vincentsleftear

The Longest Sleepover: Ch 15 (End)

Summary: The first year of school did not go as planned for Harv and he’s never felt more alone. That is, until a loud kid from the saga studies course decides they’re best friends now.

(Year 1 AU, Harv deals with homophobia, Finn is oblivious.)

Series: Warrior U

Pairing: HarvFinn

Rating: T

Ao3 Link

Harv approached his home for the first time in weeks. The goats trotted about excitedly hoping for a treat or a head pat. He practically had to escort Finn to the door to keep them from munching on his very expensive clothes. Harv breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the clang of hot iron under a hammer. With his father in the smithy, it would make things easier. He entered the house with Finn close behind, his hands trembled as the door clicked shut behind him. His mother looked up from the fire pit casually, only to knock over her stool to run toward him.

"Harv!" She held him close, placing kisses on his head and cheeks. "I've been so worried." She looked over his shoulder at the stranger Harv had let into their home. Finn shifted uncomfortably and offered an awkward wave hello. "Is this your friend?" She asked.

"...In a way." Finn said. Harv peeled himself out of his mother's grasp.

"I brought money," Harv reached in his satchel and pulled out a coin purse, "it's not a lot, but it's a start."

"Harv, you don't need to do that." Clover tried to push it away, but Harv insisted.

"Is that what dad thinks too?" He asked. Her expression faltered and she ushered them to sit at the table. Finn took a seat next to him, clearly uncomfortable, but uncertain what to say.

"We saw your duel the other day," his mother said pouring tea, "it was very promising." Then they also had seen Finn crawling all over them. Harv took the tin cup a tad aggressively and sighed.

"I'm not going back." He said.

"I know." She said. "You'll do great at whatever you do, it's just a shame to see you give up so quickly." His grip tightened on the cup.

"This was a bad idea, we should-" Harv began, Finn laid a gentle hand on his arm.

"Harv deserves an apology." Finn said. "At the very least listen to what he has to say." Harv settled a little in his chair as Finn squeezed his arm. Harv knew running away had hurt his parents, his siblings, and he could only imagine the burden it put on the farm.

"I did everything I could to make you happy," Harv said, "but the one time I asked for something you didn't listen. You... made it sound like I was just being over emotional, but I was just tired of letting everyone down. I didn't like who I was becoming either." He took Finn's hand in his own. "Now that I'm on my own, at least this way I can help without... Without being a bad influence on my siblings."

"Harv, we've always been proud of you." His mother looked like she wanted to cry. "I just wanted to fix what was hurting you." She noticed the way he tensed. "I never meant to disregard your feelings. We love you so much. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel like you were hurting this family. I'm sorry."

"Then why..." Harv took a deep breath. "Why did you hide what was happening from my brothers? You told them I was looking for a cure, but I'm not. I'm staying at the witch's house because I want to." That was what hurt the most, how easily his parents had written over what he wanted without thinking of how it made him feel.

"They're just so young..."

"Even Rhodri?" Harv said. He knew his brother had already talked about courting someone rich. Those discussions seemed perfectly fine, but the moment Harv's feelings for Trevor had come up, suddenly it was taboo. "This is why I'm not coming back. I know it's been difficult, but... I have to be able to talk about myself without it being some kind of secret."

"I understand." His mother said sadly.

"And I'm not talking to dad until he's ready to apologize." Harv said, knowing the likelihood of that happening was poor at best. "If Puck or Biggie ask where I am, please tell them. I don't want them to feel like they can't talk to me." She nodded, but he could tell he'd have to ask Rhodri to pass that message along. "I just wanted to let you know I'm okay." He stood up from the table and offered her a tense hug. All in all, things could have gone worse, but he still felt like he'd reopened a healing wound. "I love you mom."

"I love you too honey." She let him go, biting her lip all the while.

"Come on Finn, let's go." Harv said. Finn hurried behind him, their tea left to cool on the kitchen table. They exited the farmhouse just as Puck had begun to bring out the goat's feed. He left the open bag where the goats could feast and ran toward them.

"Harv!" Puck clung to his leg. Harv crouched down hugging him so tight it almost hurt.

"Sorry buddy, I have to go." Harv said. The young child clung to him tighter.

"No, you can't leave. You're not allowed." Puck cried. It was hard for Harv to pry his sibling off him, but he couldn't hear the telltale sound of metalwork coming from the smithy anymore.

"Ask Rhodri to bring you over for a visit." Harv whispered in the boy's ear. "I'm sorry I have to go, but I do." He let go of his brother, despite the younger's protests. He wanted more time, but he caught sight of his father leaving the shed. They briefly made eye contact and Harv panicked. "Finn, we need to go now." They ran to the cart; his brother chased after them, nearly breaking his heart.

They drove back to the witch's house and as soon as the cart came to a stop, Harv sat in silence. Finn leaned against him, wrapping his arms around his waist. Harv's shoulders shook.

"They just need more time Harvey." Finn said sweetly, though his heart ached for the warrior. Things certainly could have gone better, but at the bare minimum they'd gotten an apology of sorts. "You'll be able to see your brothers again. Emet hangs out with Rhodri some time, we can talk to them through those two." Harv nodded mutely, trying his best to gain control of his emotions. "I'm sorry it didn't go how you hoped." Harv leaned his head against Finn's. It would be a while before he'd feel grounded enough to guide the sheep back to their shed. He'd get there eventually. For now he was content with Finn holding him.

-v-

The night of Finn's first performance with his band was... well Harv wasn't an expert, but it was not good. He'd found himself in the same music club Trevor took them to, though he went out of his way to pick a different seat. It was a small gig, with Finn's band opening for a headlining act. Unfortunately, the group still hadn't agreed on a band name and Shad was able to declare them Algal before either member could speak.

As they played their opening number, the crowd turned their attention away, talking over the performance. Some younger audience members even tried talking to Beatus who was actively playing. At the back of the room some of the gruffer attendees were tossing around a ball to keep them entertained. Where they had gotten it, Harv had no clue. Harv could see the disinterest take its toll during Finn's solo, as the blond caught sight of just how many people didn't care.

At the end of the first song, Harv swallowed his pride and stood. He clapped and cheered, generally making an utter fool of himself to be heard over the other concert goers. It caused Finn to light up with a brilliant smile and launch into his next song.

By the end of their set, the headliner still hadn't gotten ready, causing Finn's group to stall for time. They played more experimental pieces and even some of the earlier songs again when they still had to buy time. People grew restless, chanting the name of the group they actually came to see over them playing. At long last, the main act came on stage to a cheering, drunk audience and Finn was set free. Harv's empty table was suddenly swarmed by three tired bards.

"No one threw things at us!" Shad cheered, and the other bards celebrated less enthusiastically.

"The bar is that low, hunh?" Harv asked.

"Oh Harvey, no one appreciates the arts like you do." Finn sighed, snuggling up against him with a mischievous glint.

"It's not the art he's a fan of." Beatus rolled his eyes.

"Even better." Finn said and stuck out his tongue. "The last thing you need is a fan."

"Unfortunately, the bar is that low." Shad said with a sigh. "It's hard to establish yourself with less formal venues to attend at. People think since they see you walk to the stage, they're entitled to treat you the same as someone from the audience."

"Even harder since we'll have to change the name." Finn pouted. "Algal doesn't say anything about the band. It should be Fabulux or something that represents the sound, not some random thing only you know."

"I still think it should be a symbol." Beatus said.

"No one's going to know how to pronounce that." Harv added.

"Thank you, Harvey." Finn said, lacing their fingers together. "Majority rules, no symbols."

"You use your boyfriend to weigh the vote in your favor." Shad said, sensing a dangerous powerplay in motion. "He's not technically in the band anyway."

Even with everyone bickering around him, Harv smiled. Finn's friends could care less whether they were dating or not, and were rather encouraging all things considered. Finn never denied it when the term was flung as an insult, despite the fact that technically they hadn't discussed being exclusive yet. He knew when they'd get home, Leenan would be waiting to hear how the concert went and give Harv his next list of tasks. Finn would vent about the backstage drama and the pros putting them in a tough spot, and they'd stay up as late as possible before Harv would have to go back to his own room. If he opened his window a crack, he'd be able to hear Finn practicing the lyre a few doors down and be lulled to sleep by the sounds of Finn's music.

"Harvey, is everything okay?" Finn poked his cheek, having noticed his mind was elsewhere.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Harv said. "You think next time we could snag an extra ticket for my brothers?"

"Absolutely!" Finn shook him a little. "The more plants we have in the audience the better. I will not be upstaged by a ball in the audience again."

"Of course you won't." Harv pecked Finn's forehead. The blond gasped, a brilliant twinkle in his eye.

"Did you see that!?" Finn couldn't help but taunt. "Did you?" His friends rolled their eyes, already used to Finn's obsessive fascination with public displays of affection, no matter how small. No matter what Harv did, as long as Finn was by his side, he knew he'd never face silence again.

birth chart reading for @xxg0thbabyxx

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a seesaw shape. your life focuses on different ideals and interests, often constrasting between each other. from one side, this gives you the ability to be adaptable and find solutions easily. on the other hand, you may struggle with balance; for example, you might find yourself dedicating your life to your relationships, neglecting your ego or viceversa. you need to learn how to harmonize these energies.

your dominant planets are mercury, the sun and uranus. you are definitely a very charismatic person, you are sociable and people see you as someone easy to approach. you look and are friendly, you try to make everyone comfortable, even though you could change your mind pretty often. because of that, people can see you as too unpredictable or impulsive.

your dominant sign is gemini. you are a very intelligent individual, you are thirsty for knowledge and you also have great communication skills. you have a witty sense of humor, you're able to make everyone feel at ease with your sympathy. people may say you're two-faced, but in reality you just act in the most appropriate way based on the situation you're in. you despise boredom, you're very experimental in your life, but others may mistake this trait for flakiness.

your dominant element is air. in your life, you adore seeking for knowledge of any kind. you may be interested in studying different subjects, from those you study at school like science, maths, literature etc. to more unconventional ones, such as astrology, psychology, criminology and so on. you enjoy interacting with people; even if you’re not that sociable, you’ll still be interested in their point of view and their ideals, as you see it as a way to expand your own mind. you’re also interested in vintage, and you may have a retro aesthetic or just like history in general.

🌎 ascendant in gemini, 2° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

you enjoy communicating and intellectualism. you’re very curious about everything that surrounds you. you love expanding your knowledge, ideas and mind in general through communication, interactions and media. you have the ability to adapt quickly to new situations; your mind is fast, usually impulsive, even though this energy may not be much prominent; it may be perceived differently due to your libra energy, in fact. that’s because libra prefers organizing things, rather than acting impulsively. yet, this placement still helps you being adaptable to changes, even though you may only be able to see it after a few years if you manage to balance it well. you may also be able to match the energy of the people you’re talking to in order to be perceived as more likeable and connect with everyone on a deeper level. you may be fond of books, poetry, literature… both writing and reading. it’s also a way to let yourself tune to your emotions. since you’re constantly mentally active, physically you may also tend to play with your fingers or hair, or maybe you tend to gesticulate while you speak. appearance-wise, I assume you’re at least of average height, with long limbs and fingers. you have something small about your face; you may either have a small nose, or eyes, lips etc. same thing goes for your bones. you may be naturally skinny, or perhaps you have healthy curves. you also tend to look younger than you actually are, especially when growing up. you may often be, or at least look, sleepy. your eyes have a very dreamy look to them, and they’re probably almond-shaped.

gemini ascendant square pisces moon: you may have troubles understanding others’ real feelings for you. you may feel as if everyone hates you, like everyone is talking behind your back when it’s the opposite. the moon being in pisces doesn't help either, as this aspect enhances its trust issues even more. you’re particularly sensitive about others’ view and opinion of you, you may get deeply hurt when people criticize you. you could have the tendency to act differently than you usually do, in order to preserve your feelings. this is obviously a toxic behaviour, that fills you up with your own stress and doubles it. due to that, you may become very moody and nervous, ending up hurting others yourself. or maybe, it’s the other way around; your feelings are so overwhelming that you can’t hide them, and that could put you in embarrassing, unpleasant situations. you may show all of your emotions on your face, ready to be read. the way to cope with this placement is finding someone similiar to you; someone who’s trust-worthy, and very sensitive and empathetic too. someone who’d never judge you for you think or say, and that would always help you becoming the best version of yourself. someone that understands you, without having to explain all of your behaviours and habits.

gemini ascendant opposite sagittarius pluto: you're aware that the world is too nasty for your honesty, hence you may have trust issues. even though you are friendly, you're very picky about who you decide to actually call your friend. you may constantly feel lonely, as if no one were willing to listen and understand you. you live with the fear that others may take advantage of you, hence you end up doing it yourself, unconsciously. you may be controlling, but your chart hints that it's not too much of a big deal. you may have the tendency to do it sometimes, but it's mostly a bad trait of your past life. the universe is testing you to see if you've learned your lesson or not. you have all the skills to avoid this type of behaviour now that you're aware of it.

🌞 sun in gemini, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and venus

with your sun in the mutable sign of gemini, you are a very light-hearted, chill individual. you're very bright and bubbly, you have amazing communication skills and also an entertaining sense of humor that is able to light up the room. you're very sociable, you like interacting with others, and with your heavy gemini energy in the rest of your chart, you don't find it hard to let this side of you out, especially with people you feel comfortable with. since gemini is a mutable sign, you most likely have tons of interests and hobbies, they're so many that you find it hard to keep up with all of them, despite being extremely good at multi-tasking. in fact, you're particularly intelligent and thirsty for knowledge. you like learning about everything, you love looking and being smart. it's your way to feel empowered and proud of yourself. you always need freshness in your daily life, you cannot stand boredom. because of that, you may often change your ideas, your hobbies, your favourite singer, etc. sometimes, you could even apply this to friends and lovers, and people may consider you unloyal or not much serious because of that. in addition, you get easily very anxious and stressed, to the point that you may seem dramatic to others.

gemini sun square pisces moon: with this aspect, what you need and what you want tend to clash. in your case, your gemini sun wants to be in the spotlight, you want to be sociable and have fun. you want to go out often and live life to the fullest, while your pisces moon is more private, it prefers being alone. as a result, you may come off as unpredictable and / or indecisive. you could struggle with being optimistic, as you have this inner turmoil in you that makes you struggle to attract positive situations in your life. you may often feel conflicted, as if you didn't have control over your emotions. you may have unstable self-esteem, one day you could be feeling extra confident and happy with yourself and then the next day you feel very insecure, you want to change everything about your persona. you could feel unwanted, or perhaps you actually used to feel unwanted during your childhood, perhaps by your parents, relatives or even by other children at school. you're basically a walking paradox, you want both intimacy and independence, stability and flexibility.

gemini sun opposite sagittarius pluto: probably during your childhood you couldn't make your own decisions. you might have been highly influenced by someone in your family, probably your father, and hence now you feel the need to have everything under control. maybe too much. you despise authority, you may even quite rebellious. maybe your parents have tried to convince you following their religion, ideals etc., without giving you freedom. or perhaps, they are overprotective and avoid to make you have experiences. I imagine that getting rid of your control issues, which are caused by this sense of not being in control of your life, may be the first step to finally heal your wound, which is somehow linked to the relationship with your friends and casual partners in your everyday life. start trusting others more, and don't be afraid of being 'fooled'. you're totally capable of understanding when someone is trying to hurt you, follow your intuition. even though it may be hard, even painful, it'll be the key to transform and overcome pluto's lessons to achieve your goals.

🌙 moon in pisces, 5° / 1st decan ruled by neptune

hands down my favourite moon sign! you're extremely empathetic and sensitive, you care a lot about others and you treat others' problems as if they were yours, you get totally immersed in them. you have quite a vivid imagination, you're able to idealize and picture anything you want. while this placement gives you an incredible amount of creativity, it can also make you uncomfortable. in fact, you may actually find yourself imagining every detail of every situation, even the worst ones. let's suppose you hear of a rape at the news; you literally start imagining the scene detail by detail, and it makes you extremely uncomfortable. actually, it literally ruins your mood, as it's as if you actually lived that scene. going back to the creativity matter, you have the soul of an artist; you have very enhanced emotions, and you're able to express them through artistic outlets. you could be amazing at writing poetry, books, art, music... also, your particular empathy of human's intellect can also make you an amazing psychologist or actress, as you're able to understand others' feelings and make them your own. you're extremely spiritual, and if you don't feel like that, you just have yet to have your spiritual awakening. you may be able to talk to spirits, for example, or perhaps you have very meaningful dreams. or maybe, you could literally predict the future through them. you're also most probably an avid daydreamer, you tend to get distracted easily because you're too busy thinking about random scenarios in your head. seriously, you could even make a movie out of them. you're also an hopeless romantic, and you dream of finding not just your spouse, but your literal soulmate. to make it simple, you want all of your daydreams to become reality.

pisces moon square sagittarius pluto: your emotions are so intense that they almost scare those around you. in fact, you're prone to accentuated mood swings; when you're happy, you start smiling and laughing joyfully. when you're sad, you're the type to cry, scream, even throw up in some cases. that's how far you go with your emotions. maybe, you also feel repressed to express your feelings exactly for this reason. you probably also have a conservative/possessive mother (or just any member of your family), with whom you don't feel at ease expressing your emotions. or maybe, your mother was absent throughout your life. on the other hand, you can understand others' feelings, but be careful not to use it to manipulate others. you could also be very paranoid, and might develop addictions and anxiety disorders, especially with your sensitive pisces moon.

🗣 mercury in gemini, 28° / 3rd decan ruled by mercury and uranus

mercury is in its natural place in gemini, your whole chart flows very well! you have great problem-solving skills, you are extremely intelligent and astute. when you were younger, you probably used to be the winner at games like hide-and-seek. this placement also enhances your thirst for knowledge of any kind, you want to learn at least a little about anything, from science to foreign cultures. yet, since you want to learn so many things all at once, you may lack precision and be a little bit superficial. on the other hand, you're a fast learner and you may often find people predictable, but in reality you're just ahead of them. you're also very open-minded, even though you still rely more on logic, not like your sister sign is sagittarius. yet, it's easy for you to be flexible in your day-to-day life, you don't have to follow a schedule to have everything under control, even though you may often suffer from stress and headaches due to this lack of organization. you may have a very youthful and positive voice, you just give off good vibes, you know?

❤️ venus in leo, 0° / 1st decan ruled by the sun

with leo venus you're very picky, as you have high expectations for your future partner. you always try to be at your best state, and you want those who surround you to be perfect too. it's hard for you to fall for someone, as you take everything in consideration: personality, physical appearance, fashion sense... it may look like it is too much, but once you find the right one that truly satisfies your standards, you're in for a long ride. you'll want to travel, live your life in the best way possible with the person you love. you look at them as if they were the brighest star in the sky, and you want to be seen like this as well. you may even be a bit clingy, but your partner needs to be aware of that. they can't repress your need for affection. you see love as a way to revive your inner child, you feel younger when you're in love. even though you want someone fun and outgoing, you also need someone ambitious, hard-working and generally serious when it comes to committing. there's no room in your life for flaky people.

leo venus square libra mars: this placement most likely gives you a short-temper. you may have lots of friends or lots of romantic partners, but you may find yourself being often irritated by them. you could argue with others over petty things, and this could affect your relationships significantly. at the same time, you enjoy fun, exciting relationships. you're the type who's looking for a risktaker, even dangerous partner. you hate boredom, and this may be your weakness regarding this placement; that is, once the relationship starts getting more serious, you feel as if it's going down, when it's actually the opposite. hence, you just run towards a new adventure. with this placement, what you need is learning to open up and being honest without being too blunt. you need to talk about your feelings, you can't bottle them up, but be careful not to sound rude, don't be too impulsive. because of your nature, the perfect partner for you would be someone mature, confident and empathetic that will understand you and won't get hurt by your words.

leo venus square aries jupiter: you come off as a very positive, happy-go-lucky person. you're extremely friendly, and this makes you be good at social relationships. you may have lots of friends, or at least you have the potential to make many if you opened up and talked to them. yet, while this energy gives you positive vibes, some people may take advantage of that, as you could easily be mistaken for naive. people can try to dominate you unconsciously (sometimes even on purpose) not only in relationships but even in friendships. aside from that, I don't think this placement causes you many problems. you may have the tendency to procrastinate and not work. you could be quite lazy and get easily distracted, as you're constantly with your head in the cloud.

leo venus opposite aquarius neptune: you probably dream of a love like those you hear about in fairytales; you're not only looking for a partner, you literally want a princess/prince, who's willing to give their all to you. you find yourself daydreaming often about love, and it may also be your source of inspiration for creativity and art in general. probably, you may idealize people too much; that is, you may create a version of others that only exists in your head. hence, once you get to know someone better, they turn out to be the exact opposite of what you thought. this causes you to be sort of naive when it comes to relationships, so pay extra attention to this problem now that you're aware of it.

☄️ mars in libra, 24° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and mercury

there’s this stereotype that libra mars people are passive-aggressive. it may be true, but only partially. in fact, you try to avoid conflicts exclusively when you’re in public, or maybe with someone you don’t know well. in that case, you can eventually try to avoid the problem. with people you’re close to, you’re pretty much the opposite. you may say the worst of things that you probably don’t even feel, you may even have the istinct to throw hands. you’re driven by a strong sense of justice, and you probably were the class’ snitch during daycare/primary school. you also strive for equality, hence you may get very defensive when it comes to proving your innocence, or just really anyone’s. overall, you’re a fair person with strong morals, who acts based on the situation you’re in.

libra mars opposite aries jupiter: you easily come off as more assertive and arrogant than you actually are. you say things impulsively, and sometimes you’re too blunt and hurt people’s feelings. you don’t do it on purpose, though, there’s no malice behind your acts; it’s just your natural way to express your opinions. you’re also very competitive, and this may make you look selfish. on a positive side, you probably have a naturally nice body (or maybe you react fast to diet/workout). you’re a risk-taker, and if you’re not you should try breaking the rules sometimes (obviously not doing illegal stuff lol). in fact, it’s when you’re both physically and mentally active that you’re able to come up with even better ideas, as you’re full of creativity. to cope with this placement, you can try doing something fun to challenge your mind, basically get out of your comfort-zone. of course you don’t have to overdo it, but it would be beneficial.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in gemini. your ego feels fulfilled when you express your opinions, ideas and creativity. people probably see you as an intelligent, wise individual. maybe even as a know-it-all. you care about both your inner and outer self, which may be the cause of your confidence issues. you try to fit into society, and you tend to change your approach to people based on who you’re interacting with. while this gives you great social skills, it may confuse you quite a bit. in fact, you may forget who you are. you may often have identity crisis, especially since you always feel as if you have to fit somewhere. your sun in this house makes you very confident and motivated to achieve your goals. you possess strong leadership, which makes you aspire for the best positions in work, school, marriage etc. you don't want to lower your standards. you hate routine; you always try to spice up your daily life a bit by meeting new people and trying new experiences in general. you enjoy having fun, partying, travelling... you thrive in social situations. you may have troubles making right decisions, as you're quite indecisive. but, once you do choose, no one is gonna stop you from achieving your goals and showing the world who you are. in fact, you gain confidence from your assertiveness, making you pretty proud of your persona as well.

your 2nd house is in gemini again, with also your mercury sitting there. you’re probably very intelligent, and your skills are what boost your self-esteem. you’re also capable of doing more than one thing at the same time. you could make money from communication, hence you could become a writer, a singer, a theraphist, a judge, even an influencer. anything that involves the use of words. you may also be quite intelligent, and your intellect and ideas are what make you feel most confident. you have a slow way of thinking and speaking. your voice may sound really calm and pleasant to hear, yet still strict and ambitious. you’re probably a good singer, or at least have the potential to become one. you tend to overthink a lot, but you eventually get to a conclusion and stick to it. no one is gonna change your mind. you enjoy learning and working in creative ways; you might enjoy using powerpoints, flashcards or maybe study with your friends, or listening to music. you also probably have a nice, aesthetic handwriting and you like organizing your agenda. your voice is probably very soft and youthful.

your 3rd house is in cancer. your parents were probably successful in school and university, and they passed down their knowledge to you. maybe, you may have the same interests or passions as them, or perhaps they want you to be academically successful just like them. you may also find yourself talking about your memories, as you’re very attached to them, or even directly about your childhood/parents. your venus is also in this house: your flirting style most probably includes jokes, teasing… things like that. even though you may seem flaky, as you like experiencing romance with different types of people, you’re actually quite picky. in fact, in order to fall for someone, you need to feel mentally attracted to them, not just physically. someone ignorant and stubborn that doesn’t care about learning something most definitely isn’t for you. you’re not the type to be super romantic and sweet with your partner or just people in general. you show your affection for example by sending them memes, making ironic jokes about them etc. also, when you’re into someone, you probably get very talkative! you start asking them simple questions about their life, even things like 'did you have lunch?’.

your 4th house is in leo. your family had great expectations of you, which could have eventually led to anxiety/self-esteem issues. on the other hand, your parents cared about you, and they always made sure that you had everything you needed. if you have siblings, you were most likely the favourite child in the family, or at least you were spoiled by your parents, both with material things and affection. overall, your childhood wasn’t much turbulent, even though your parents most likely were quite strict with you. there could have been a bit of arguing as well aside from restrictions, and hence it was hard for you to establish a proper emotional bond with them. because of that, you may feel a little insecure now, as you may constantly feel misunderstood by others.

your 5th house is in virgo. you enjoy relax, yet you may feel guilty to abandon work for a while. you always feel like you have something to do, and that doesn’t allow you to fully enjoy your rest time. make sure to always find some space for yourself, though. it’s where your energy resides, you feel at home and comfortable exploring your abilities, you shouldn’t take them for granted. also, this enhances your writing abilities even more. in fact, you’re both creative to create stories and rational to tell them objectively and in a clear manner. you're picky with your lovers and friends, it takes time for you to open up to someone and fully trust them, but once you do, you're very loyal. I don't see you being as extroverted as other geminis, you need your alone time, but you definitely don't mind spending time with your loved ones and close friends.

your 6th house is in libra. you most likely involve beauty, art, aesthetics and creativity in your daily routine. your home environment probably looks very neat and well-designed. you care a lot about it, as much as you care about yourself; you put a lot of attention in your outfits and looks too, and you most likely love shopping. this is another placement that indicates that your ideal career should serve your need for creativity and self-expression. it’s very important for you to pursue a career that helps you find a way to express the creative side of your mind. you may also often find yourself dating people from your daily routine, hence co-workers, classmates etc. mars is also placed in this house: your life revolves around being productive. you don't like to waste your time, you always try to learn and gain something useful from everything you do. that's caused by the fact that you're motivated to be perfect in what you like; this, combined with your competitive nature, may often cause you to burn out.

your 7th house is in sagittarius. you want your marriage to be a constant travel for you, in which you can both relax and learn. you want to marry a witty and impulsive partner, that is also fun to live with. you may often find yourself falling for unavailable people, either physically or emotionally (or even both). they may be foreign, or at least they’re able to speak a different language from yours. they could also have a different culture/religion from yours. overall, they're also very wise, outgoing and surprisingly open-minded and philosophical. you could meet them in a place where you go to relax, such as the movie theater, a spa, the beach or even during a vacation. your sagittarius pluto is also sitting in this house: you tend to attract very intense partners. your future spouse will be very loyal and fond of you, but they may be a little too obsessive for you. it will be a very intimate relationship, but you may struggle with control. in fact, you’ll most likely be both very possessive and easily jealous, and there may be some arguments regarding this issue. with this placement, you may also attract ‘broken’ people, such as drug dealers, alcoholics, abusers… yet, as I’ve already mentioned, you also have jupiter (sagittarius) in this house, which makes you luckier when it comes to love. you’ll most likely avoid this type of people, but your relationships will still be very karmic. they may be painful, as you love hard when you fall for someone, but they’ll be crucial for your self-growth. you may also find yourself being attracted to mature, possibly older people, from different cultures / country from yours.

your 8th house is in sagittarius again. you’re very curious when it comes to taboo topics, you like learning about them. you’re probably into conspiracy theories, as well as matters like astrology, tarots, horror, tragedies, violence… you can use them to transform yourself and grow up, so you could definitely use this birth chart reading to improve yourself. 8th house is also the house of karma, and yours is kind of strange. you may often feel like you’re right about something, e.g the sky is blue. you’re very proud of your observation, but then it turns out to be different. it’s like the universe is constantly teaching you new things. luckily, this is something that gets better with time. in addition, having sagittarius here is great, as jupiter kind of protects you from the 8th house’s malefic themes. all the negative things that could happen to you, are actually blessings that are here to help you. you just need to be a little bit more optimistic, the universe has your back.

your 9th house is in capricorn, with also your neptune sitting there. you have a pragmatic approach to philosophy, school and experiences in general. for example, you may be the type to plan every day of a travel. at school, you were probably the type to prefer more logical subjects, but I assume that you were good at all of them. with neptune being also here, you may come across a lot of unexpected and confusing events in your life, especially when you’re entering a new phase of your life. yet, you may often get lost in your thoughts and get unmotivated from time to time. you most likely love travelling and making new experiences. if you had to choose how to spend your spare time, you’d most likely choose to travel somewhere. you’re also extremely open-minded, you hardly ever have prejudices. you surely don’t judge people from their sexuality, skin colour etc. last but not least, you may also have a knack for philosophy, poetry, literature, history… anything that can open your mind and stimulate your creativity.

your 10th house is in aquarius with also your moon and uranus placed there. your uranus is tightly conjunct the midheaven. you want to stand out from the crowd, you strive to establish your own morals and beliefs. you don’t want to conform to anything and anyone, as you’re a trend-setter and you want to be seen as such. you’d rather have a job where you can handle your work yourself, rather than having a boss. in fact, aquarius in this house makes you extremely resolute and motivated to achieve your goals and be independent. you may not be much interested in love, and if you are, you don’t overlook career either. having a stable and successful future that makes you happy is the key for happiness in your life. it’s important to be focused when working, especially for you. yet, once you know how to balance this tricky energy and get your stuff together, you’ll earn a reputation for being an innovative and original person. you may be quite artistic, creative and emotional, you’ll probably focus your life on self-expression. with the moon in this house, you are most likely going to be independent at work, you'll most likely have your own business. you could possibly work online as well, you could earn money through the internet, or perhaps your job may require you to physically move: you could be a dancer, an actor/actress, you could pursue a career that involves a certain sport, etc. you will get to express your emotions through your job, or perhaps you'll get to help other people with their feelings. you would make a great therapist, nurse, counselor, etc.

your 11th house is in pisces. you probably had problems with your friendships in your early years. you could have been too shy to approach people, hence you struggled to befriend them. or maybe, you used to gossip around, and that led you to lose them. or perhaps, you’re too work-oriented to find some spare time to hang out with others, and hence you end up losing your bond with them. in the best case, you may have quite spiritual / religious friends, or perhaps they’re your soulmates, they were a part of your past life. you have this habit of idealizing them a bit; that is, you may be too picky in choosing your friends. you’re probably looking for the type of friend that’d literally throw themselves under a car to save you, but it’s hard to actually find someone like that. open up more and accept others as they are. you don’t necessarily need to be with them for a long time, but make sure to learn your lessons from them.

lastly, your 12th house is in the sign of taurus, with also saturn and jupiter placed there. you may feel attracted to spirituality, but you’re quite lazy to actually dive into it. I feel like at first you may be quite skeptical about your abilities, but as time goes by you become more open-minded and in tune with your higher self. once you understand your true power, you'll become very spiritual and intuitive. you'll have lots of meaningful dreams, possibly prophetic dreams that could warn you about the future. you may be able to perceive and talk to higher entities such as spirits, and you could become a master at manifestation. with a positive attitude, you'll be able to attract everything you want in your life, especially finances and love thanks to taurus in the cusp of the 12th house.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love you attract sagittarius, virgo, scorpio and aquarius placements. your future spouse may also have prominent sagittarius placements; you need someone who’s charming, respectful, interesting and polite, but that can also stand up for themselves with no hesitation. you’re also into the magnetic, sexy type. you’re looking for someone independent, but that wouldn’t mind dedicating their time to you. you may feel unlucky in love, as your sagittarius descendant makes you attract people that are usually unavailable, whether it’s physically (they’re abroad) or emotionally. you may marry someone of a different culture/country/religion from yours. you may also meet and marry abroad or during a vacation. they could also be someone very well known in their career field, or perhaps they may even be famous. you could also meet them in a place where people usually relax, such as a bar or at the restaurant, and it will most likely be love at first sight. your children will most probably have very prominent mercurian energy, hence virgo or gemini; they’ll love to learn new things, they'll be very witty and ask multiple questions, as they will be very intelligent. yet, they could be a bit too talkative, and could have a tendency to gossip.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is probably very hard-working, and she has a strong role in your family. she loves being spoiled and appreciated, together with receiving attention. yet, she could sometimes be quite superficial because of that, but deep down she’s very romantic and mannered. she may have leo placements, or maybe aquarius, cancer, scorpio or capricorn. your father is a bit more unpredictable, he could be moody and therefore you may argue with him more often, and he might be an aquarius or have any type of fire/water placement in his chart. yet, he also has a very sweet and outgoing side to him that he may struggle to let out. if you have siblings, they’re probably leos/fire signs. you have a very pleasant relationship with them, you're all very playful and generous and you used to always stand up for each other, even though there could have been a bit of competition.

📊 career

as I’ve already mentioned above, you most likely have great communication skills and writing abilities. you’re very logical and precise, you’d definitely do well in a field that requires calm and organization. I can also picture you being an amazing teacher or even professor. based on your other placements, you could also do well at literally any creative career! you may be a dancer, a singer, or even something more complex like a creative director. otherwise, you could also be successful as a designer of any kind, an architect, a scientist… something that allows you to be mostly independent, but that can still guarantee you mental stimulation and a decent income, and that also allows you to use your creative venusian energy. I also see you working in the medical field, especially as a therapist, a psychologist, a nurse... anything that allows you to help other people's mental health. your future career could also include spirituality, such as yoga, astrology... you may be a medium, a tarot reader, a fortune teller, etc.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

keyword for your wardrobe: black. every leo venus loves black, it's probably my favorite love story. after all, it's such a versatile color! it can be both badass and classy, how can I blame you. you may also have a thing for anything that looks luxury and high quality; you probably enjoy wearing designer brands, especially in your belts and bags. you may also like wearing fitted clothes, even just simple skinny jeans or tight tops. aside from black, you could as well use white and bold colours like gold, hot pink etc. also, you may as well be into pastel colors, and you could like following fashion trends.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, you were very career-oriented. you were probably extremely successful at work, it was your priority. you could have even been someone important for your career, who knows. yet, this lifetime you don't need to focus on work anymore, you're already a master at it. now, you need to solve your issues with your family and create a family of your own to fully accomplish your life purpose. there may be some ups and downs, but this is what your soul has to learn in this lifetime.

🤔 major transits analysis / august 18

jupiter is current in aquarius, meaning that it's transiting your 10th house conjunct your pisces moon. this is an extremely positive time for you! in fact, having the planet of abundance and luck conjunct the planet of energy means that you're motivated to work hard and achieve your goals! it's the best time to start a diet, a workout routine, study, dive into a new hobby... your vibration is much higher these days, therefore it's the best time for you to manifest.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

you’re very in contact with your spirituality, making you more sensitive to higher affirmations. you have the ability to visualize what you want. that’s the key to activate the loa: travel with your fantasy, and visualize what you desire. do you want a new car? imagine yourself doing road-trips on that car. a new phone? visualize yourself making calls with that phone. you can even literally create a story involving those topics and it will come true. you can also help yourself by writing and listening to your own affirmations, maybe covered up by some music. in this way, you'll develop a more optimistic mindset and you'll be able to attract more positivity in your life. you just have to believe in your power!

and this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

-libramc xx

illicit affairs (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Summary: You catch feelings for Spencer after the two of you start casually sleeping together. He doesn’t.

Warnings: Sexual themes, no actual smut though. 

Notes: ANGST. This is based off of the song illicit affairs by Taylor Swift! The song implies that there’s cheating but I can’t see Spencer ever cheating on someone so the scandal of this relationship is that reader and Spence are co-workers and there’s a pretty big age gap. (OBVIOUSLY reader is 18+, I imagine late 20s cause they’re in the FBI. By season 15 I think Spencer is in his late 30s/early 40s) This takes place AFTER the season 15 finale so if you haven’t finished the show don’t read this! There is a pretty big spoiler for the finale! Oh also I tried to make this gender neutral but if I accidentally left in any female pronouns lmk and I’ll fix it :)

oh another thing, I’ve seen a lot of people writing based off of songs from folklore (as they should) so just a little disclaimer: if this bears any resemblance to another story based off of illicit affairs it’s a coincidence! I’ve purposely been avoiding most of the stories i see based off folklore songs cause i don’t wanna accidentally steal an idea but i also understand that there’s only so many stories you can make based off of one song so there’s bound to be some elements that are shared between different fics.

~if it’s in italics it’s a flashback~

Word Count: 1.8k

Masterlist

You’d only been the BAU’s technical analyst for a month the first time. It had been hard joining the very close team, considering you were the youngest member and you were replacing one of their closest friends, but Spencer had taken a liking to you faster than the rest of the team. You knew none of them meant to make you feel bad, but sometimes you felt like you were living in the shadow of the great Penelope Garcia. You never missed the comments about how much she was missed, how great of a hacker she was, how she always came through. Spencer was the only one who actively avoided comparing you to your predecessor. So, really, it’s no surprise that you ended up in his bed after the team came back from a rough case. Unfortunately for you, that was the beginning of your doom.

~ the first time ~

The team was getting off the jet after a rough case. Normally, as the technical analyst, you didn’t have to travel with the rest of the BAU, but this one had called for you to be on site for the first time since you joined the BAU. You were tired, and heartbroken from the deadly results of the past couple days, and all you really wanted to do was go home and cuddle up in bed with someone. Of course, you didn’t have anyone to be with, so you’d have to settle for a cup of cocoa and a comforting movie. As you headed to your car, you heard one of your co-workers, Reid, calling your name.

“Y/N?” You stopped your walking and turned to see the doctor walking towards you. “Do you mind giving me a ride? It’s late, I’d rather not try and get a taxi at this hour.” If it was anyone else, you probably would’ve said no, but you couldn’t resist Spencer’s charm. He was over 10 years your senior, and you knew it could never happen because of workplace rules, but it never hurt to dream. 

“Y-yeah, of course. You live on 23rd and…”

“42nd street. It’s not too out of your way, is it?”

“No, not at all.” It’s on the opposite side of town. You’re sure he could easily tell if you were lying, but he was either too tired to notice or willing to ignore it. When you finally glanced up to meet Spencer’s eyes, you found him already staring you down. With a light blush forming on your cheeks, you lead him to your car.

On the ride to Spencer’s, the two of you discussed how you felt about the case.

“How did you feel with everything? I know you usually don’t have to see firsthand everything that goes on during our cases.” He asked.

“It was..a lot.” You paused, letting yourself steal a glance towards Spencer before focusing your eyes on the road. “I much prefer experiencing these cases from behind a computer screen.”

“That’s understandable. Garcia was the same way. It’s always good having someone to talk to about the rough cases.” 

The conversation continued, but you weren’t really focusing on the words passing between the two of you. No, you were much more interested in Spencer’s hands. Specifically, his left hand, which was slowly inching closer and closer to your thigh. By the time you were pulling up in front of his apartment building, his hand had reached your lower thigh, just above your knee. Now that you weren’t driving, you could face him, and you found that he was carefully watching you. “Is this ok?” He asked. If you wanted an out, this was it. No lines have been crossed, no rules broken, it’d be so easy to stop this now and go back to normal at work Monday morning. 

“Yes.” Once the words left your mouth, Spencer leaned towards you, closing the gap between you. The kiss started gentle, but was far from innocent. You let him have complete control as he explored your mouth. You could feel his intentions through the kiss, and you knew you’d be in for a night. When he pulled away, you could see that his pupils were bigger, and you were sure your face was completely red. 

“Come in?” It was a question, but it felt more like a command. Your only response was to remove the key from your car’s ignition before you both quickly headed up to Spencer’s apartment.

~~

Your many nights with Spencer started out comforting. Whenever there was a rough case, or just a bad day, you could count on him to make you feel better. You were far from a relationship; No one knew that the two of you occasionally slept together, and you never talked about it outside of your meetings. You supposed you could label it as friends with benefits, but that felt like it downplayed what you were to each other. Or, what Spencer was to you. You’re not stupid, you know that he doesn’t feel for you the way you do for him. You’re well aware that you’re not exclusive, and that he has no obligations to you. But when you’re together, which is becoming more and more frequent, you’re really together. Sometimes it’s easy to forget when you’re with him that he’s not your boyfriend. He gives you gifts, calls you baby, sometimes he even brings you to fancy hotels. But the second you two separate, your relationship makes a 180. In the bedroom, you’re “baby.” At work, you’re “kid.” In the bedroom, you wear the perfume he bought you and he praises you for it. When you dared to wear it at work, he’d completely ignore you. 

Every minute you spend with him, you fall a little bit more. But every second you’re apart, your heart breaks over and over again.

~ the hundredth time ~

You were in your car, outside of Spencer’s building. As the two of you kissed, Spencer pulled you on top of his lap. You pulled away for a moment, but he captured your lips once more before you could get your words out. This time, your hand pushed him away so you could speak. “Shouldn’t we go inside?”

“Why not just stay here?” His lips found your neck for a moment before he kept speaking, “It’s faster. We cut out the middleman, you can get home sooner.” You were glad Spencer’s lips were focused on your neck, because it meant he couldn’t see the insulted look on your face. You knew the two of you hadn’t been quite as romantic lately, if ever, but you felt like you were slapped in the face when Spencer implied that even spending the time to walk you to his apartment, having a nice conversation over a drink was just the “middleman.” Before you could respond, however, he pulled away from your neck and looked at you. “Besides, haven’t you always wanted to do it in a car?” And just like that, his charm had caught you again. You smiled, and kissing him again, harder this time. You put all your energy into focusing on him, making each other feel good, and no on how your once romantic nights were slowly turning into quickies whenever Spencer felt like getting off.

~~

At work, you and Spencer were good at keeping it professional. Both of your jobs could be in trouble if people found out. When you really thought about it, you knew that Prentiss would probably be ok with you two dating if you went through the proper procedures with HR, but Spencer had said it’d be better to keep it secret. You didn’t want whatever you two were to end, so you went along with it. 

Today was a rare calm day at the BAU, with no new cases for the team to work on. You’d been catching up on paperwork in your office, but when you were in need of coffee, you decided to stop by the other team member’s desks on the way to the coffee machine. Now that you’ve been with the team for over a year, You’d gotten pretty close with the members. You and Luke have inside jokes, you babysit Matt and JJ’s kids, you, Tara, and Rossi bond over your shared love of old cars. When you walked into the office space, you weren’t surprised to find Spencer, Luke, and Matt talking around their desks instead of doing paperwork. When you walked past the trio, you overheard their conversation.

“So, Reid, you coming tonight? Rossi said he’d bring out the good scotch.” Luke asked. You knew they’d been planning a poker night. Not really your thing, but you figured you’d join just to be with the team. Spencer’s answer to the question is what really got your attention.

“I can’t. I’ve got a date.” You almost tripped over your feet on the way to the coffee machine when you heard him. A date? 

“Oh? Is this the same girl from last week?” Matt asked. As you poured your coffee, you tried your best to listen in without being obvious. You and Spencer had been together last Wednesday...were they talking about you? Had Spencer mentioned that he was seeing you? Did he consider your hookups as dates?

“Yup. I’m not sure where it’s going yet, but I’m excited.” Your mind was racing at this point. Either your dreams were finally coming true, or you were about to get your heartbroken for the millionth time. You were so lost in your thoughts you didn’t even notice that Spencer had made his way towards you to get himself another cup of coffee. “Y/N? You alright, you look a little worried.” He asked, snapping you out of your thoughts. You knew you should wait till you’re in a more private location, but your words come out of your mouth before you could stop them.

“A date tonight? I didn’t think we had plans.” You took a sip of your coffee, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible. If he was talking about you, you didn’t want to seem over excited. But if he wasn’t, well…

The face he made gave away the answer before he spoke. “Oh, uh, no. We don’t.” Ouch. “I met someone at the bookstore near my place a couple weeks ago.” He paused, not making eye contact with you as he poured his coffee. “That’s uh,” His voice was lower this time, “That’s not a problem is it?”

“No! Not at all.” You answered a little too quickly. “It’s not like we’re dating, right?” You didn’t wait for his answer before you walked away. When you made it back to the safety of your office, you couldn’t help the single tear that dropped from your eye before you got back to work. 

Instead of going to Rossi’s with the rest of the team, you spent the night alone with a cup of cocoa and a comforting movie, like you wish you had a year ago.

~~

taglist: @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal @la-vie-en-amour1 @peculiarinsomniac @andreasworlsboring101

ao3

“I need you to do me a favor.”

“Isn’t my entire life just a series of me doing you favors?”

Wei Ying grinned wildly as Wen Qing glared a hole into his face, as per usual. Neither of them broke until her little brother, Wen Ning, quietly laughed at them with his eyes on the cup of tea in his hand. Wen Qing softened almost immediately and Wei Ying stuck his tongue out.

“What do you need, Qingqing?”

Wen Qing rolled her eyes, but she sat up a little straighter to sell whatever favor she needed from him.

“You know how my school does little carnival-esque fundraisers where everyone sets up a booth and shit?” she asked. Wei Ying nodded.

“Because they’re stupid rich and somehow wanna suck even more money from their students, including the ones who are there on scholarship, yes, I know how it does that.”

“Exactly,” Wen Qing agreed, taking a deep breath, “My group‒just me and a couple of other scholarship students‒decided to do a kissing booth because they’ve done well in the past years and I’m not trying to get on the dean’s bad side.”

“Oooh, a kissing booth? How shameless! Do you need me to do your makeup so you get more willing participants?” Wei Ying teased. Wen Qing stared at him blankly until he laughed and gestured for her to continue.

“I need your help finding someone to, like, be the face and do all the kissing. Someone rich people will want to pay to kiss. I need a guy, Mianmian’s already agreed to take one for the team,” Wen Qing said. Wei Ying’s smile slowly found his face.

“Alright, alright, I’ll do it.”

“That’s not at all where I was‒”

“I understand, I’m irresistible! And I’m a great kisser, so they’ll probably even come back for seconds,” Wei Ying insisted, sitting back. Wen Ning was back to suppressing his laughter.

“You don’t shut up long enough for anyone to kiss you,” Wen Qing said, “I was hoping for you to ask Lan Zhan, maybe.” Wei Ying scoffed.

“Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying repeated. He thought of his rigid next-door neighbor that he all but forced to be his best friend. He went to her ridiculous school and was one of the rich ones. Not that he wasn’t smart enough to get there on scholarship, but he had the money. Still, the idea of him at a kissing booth was laughable. “Lan Zhan would be terrible at that!”

“Why? He’s conventionally attractive, that’s what we need,” Wen Qing insisted.

“First of all, conventionally attractive sounds like an insult to him,” Wei Ying said, ignoring the way she took a deep breath of annoyance, “Second of all, he’s the most uptight person ever! I don’t think he kisses people. Or ever plans to. I can’t imagine him kissing anyone without being extremely uncomfortable and deciding never to do it again.”

“You can’t imagine him kissing anyone?” Wen Qing asked slowly, raising a dubious eyebrow. Wei Ying shook his head.

“No! He doesn’t even like being touched, why would want to kiss anyone? Silly suggestion. I’ll do great! Much better than he would,” Wei Ying said firmly. Wen Qing shook her head.

“I know you, you won’t like doing that.”

“What do you mean? I’m going to love it! Kissing rich randoms all day sounds awesome. Besides, maybe one of them can fall in love with me and I’ll have a sugar daddy. Or mommy. I’m not picky at this point,” Wei Ying insisted. Wen Qing closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Come on! Let me do it!”

“If you agree to this, you realize you can’t go back on it? You have to actually commit, you can’t chicken out,” Wen Qing insisted. Wei Ying gasped playfully, putting his hand over his heart.

“How dare you insinuate I’m not reliable! Ning-di, tell your sister I’m the most reliable person she’s ever met,” Wei Ying said. Wen Ning looked up with wide, doe eyes when he realized he was being dragged into the conversation. He looked between the two of them.

“Ying-ge did help me finish my project last week,” he said, “And every other project. And made sure it didn’t break on the way to school.”

“See! Reliable!”

“Helping my brother with homework is one thing, you kissing a bunch of people without panicking is another thing,” she said.

“Why would I panic?” Wei Ying scoffed. 

Sure, he was almost 18 and hadn’t had his first kiss yet, but that was normal. Besides, what better way to get your first kiss over with than in the least sexy and most clinical way possible? It’d be like a practice round and when he had his first real kiss, then he’d be even better at it than he knew he already would be.

Still, Wen Qing fixed him with a look.

“Alright, fine. But when you freak out, you’re still gonna go through with it. See you next week.”

Wei Ying snorted as she stood up and he leaned towards Wen Ning.

“She loves me.”

“Yeah,” Wen Ning agreed. Wei Ying’s smile was a lot more genuine as he sat back in his chair, his cheeks tinted a bit red at the casualness of it. He was younger than him by a few years, barely 15 and ridiculously shy. But he wasn’t shy about how much he enjoyed Wei Ying’s friendship and that always threw him for a loop. “Bye, Ying-ge.”

“Bye! Text me if you need homework help,” he said, sending them off with a wave.

Wei Ying was left alone for just long enough to get a bit antsy with not much to do other than stare at his phone. However, Lan Zhan came to the rescue, as per usual, and filled the empty seat.

“Lan Zhan! How was orchestra practice?” Wei Ying asked, leaning forward. Lan Zhan, with his perfect posture and his cute little uniform and his adorable little curtain bangs, sat his bag in the chair beside him and carefully took a sip of the tea he’d ordered.

“Fine,” he said simply. Wei Ying nodded.

“That’s good. You just missed Wen Ning and Wen Qing, they were here. Oh, she mentioned that fundraiser. What booth are you doing?” he pressed. Lan Zhan looked at him through his eyelashes over the cup, momentarily making eye contact. Warmth bloomed in Wei Ying’s chest. He always felt special when Lan Zhan made eye contact with him. It reminded him that they really were friends and Lan Zhan didn’t hate him.

“No booth,” he answered, “Uncle agreed to simply donate the required amount so I wouldn’t have to attend.”

“Of course, of course,” Wei Ying said. He knew Lan Zhan wasn’t really a fan of crowds, so that made sense. “But, ah, well, I’ll be there, so maybe you’ll come by anyway?”

“You’ll be there?” Lan Zhan asked, slowly putting his cup down. Wei Ying smiled and nodded, leaning forward even more.

“Yeah, Wen Qing needed a guy to do the kissing booth,” Wei Ying said. Lan Zhan blinked a few times and his eyebrows raised.

“A kissing booth?”

“Yes!”

“And you will be… doing the kissing?” he asked. He had a similarly skeptical tone in his voice to Wen Qing and Wei Ying couldn’t help but make a hurt noise.

“Why does everyone think so little of me? I can kiss strangers with no problem!”

“Mn.”

“Lan Zhan!”

Lan Zhan kept his eyes on the table as he took another sip of tea. Wei Ying was really interested to know what about it made it seem so impossible that he would be willing to kiss strangers. Did he really seem that innocent and inexperienced? He clearly needed to work on the vibe he was giving off. 

“It seems,” Lan Zhan said, pausing for a long moment as his grip tightened on his cup, “Unsanitary.”

“Ah, I’ll buy a whole bottle of mouthwash for the day, how’s that?” he says.

“Mn.”

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying called, leaning even further to the point his head was almost on the table and his arms were stretched out. Lan Zhan wasn’t smiling, but it was very close. His features had gone all soft and Wei Ying highly considered pinching his cheek. “You and Wen Qing are so mean to me. Can’t I have enough confidence to kiss half the girls in your school for money?” 

Lan Zhan blinked slowly in that way that drove Wei Ying just a bit insane. He moved and spoke so slow sometimes. Wei Ying was convinced if he was anyone else, Lan Zhan would never be able to hold his attention. He even had to listen to podcasts on 1.5x speed just so he wouldn’t lose interest.

“Mn,” Lan Zhan said.

Wei Ying slumped in his chair and groaned.

“I’m going to prove it to you and Wen Qing that I’m entirely capable of pulling this off.”

“Alright.”

Wei Ying glared at him, but it didn’t last long. It was hard to glare at him for long. Instead, he sighed dramatically and took out his earbuds, the wire hanging as he held one of them out to Lan Zhan. He accepted it and slowly put it in his ear as Wei Ying put the other in his. They had to lean a bit into the counter to share, but they’d been doing this nearly every day for as long as Wei Ying could remember.

“This episode’s on King Leopold II.”

“Mn.”

-

Wei Ying was fine.

Every day leading up to the kissing booth, he’d been fine. Wen Qing had texted him and reminded him that he couldn’t back out and he would say, ‘why would I want to?!’ and he was serious. This would be fine.

But now that he was set to be there in two hours, he was starting to lose his nerve.

“Jiejie, do I look alright?” Wei Ying asked for what was probably the billionth time. Jiang Yanli looked up from her laptop and gave him a very thoughtful look so he wouldn’t call her out for just saying he looked good without thought.

“You look very handsome.”

“Handsome? I don’t need to look handsome, I need to look hot.”

“A-Ying, I think you’re going to have a line of people wanting to kiss you,” she insisted. Wei Ying sighed, dragging his body over to her. He fell to her bed dramatically and let himself indulge in the sound of her amused laughter as he dropped his head to her shoulder. “What’s wrong, A-Ying?”

He sighed, “Have you ever kissed anyone, Jiejie?”

“Yes,” she answered easily. He tried not to let the instinctive face of disgust take over.

“Do you think any of the girls will know I’ve never kissed anyone?”

“Well, probably not because it’ll be short kisses, won’t they? They’ll be none the wiser,” she said. Wei Ying still managed a pout.

“Will you beat them up if they laugh at me?”

“Of course I will,” Jiang Yanli laughed softly, her hand reaching up to tuck his hair behind his ear. Wei Ying nodded and tried to calm his mind down with her presence.

He was sad to see that it only helped a little bit.

“I’m gonna go change into something hotter,” he said. Jiang Yanli laughed and nodded.

“Alright. Don’t leave without a goodbye.”

“I won’t.”

Wei Ying made his way into his room and looked at himself in the mirror hanging on his closet. He’d left his hair down because he thought maybe he looked edgy, but he was beginning to think it was just a recipe for disaster. If he left it down, he’d just mess with it the entire time. He raked it into a messy ponytail and pulled a bit down to frame his face. His nails scraped over the shaved sides and wondered if those should be touched up too.

Instead of thinking too much about that, Wei Ying quickly changed his shirt again. This time he tried a black button-up which he stopped buttoning when the top four were undone. He stared at himself and buttoned another one and then stared at himself and then unbuttoned it.

“Why do I care so much? I’m never going to see these girls again. This is totally useless, this is just for practice,” he grumbled to himself, though he could already feel his face getting warmer and warmer by the minute. It was all fine when it was just a thing he agreed to. Now that he actually had to do it, well…

“Wei Ying?”

Wei Ying nearly jumped out of his skin as he heard his name, spinning around with his hand over his heart. Lan Zhan stood there in the doorway, hands neatly behind his back. There were many times in life where Wei Ying was happy to see him, but this was easily one of his favorites. He needed a distraction and Lan Zhan was good at that.

“Warn a man next time, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying said, though he was thankful for being startled. For a moment, his head emptied. 

“Mn,” Lan Zhan said, taking a step inside his bedroom.

“What are you doing here? Not that I don’t like seeing your face, but I figured you’d be spending the evening curled up with a good book or, or a movie. Or a new K-Drama, maybe. Something other than thinking about the lame fundraiser. Super lame, you know,” Wei Ying rambled. 

Lan Zhan nodded and his hand reached out the grab the edge of the door. Wei Ying’s eyes followed it as he closed it, leaving the two of them in the room alone. He could count on one hand how many times they’d been in a closed space completely alone. Somehow it made his throat feel dry. Though, that might be him freaking out about the kissing booth still.

“Wen Qing asked me to check on you,” Lan Zhan said, “To make sure you were alright.”

“I’m fine,” Wei Ying said, standing up straighter, “She needs to learn to stop babying me. I’m a grown man.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan hummed, his hands returning to the space behind his back as he took a step closer, “So I should tell her you aren’t worried.”

“I’m not! I’m fine!” Wei Ying said and if his voice was a bit higher than normal, so what.

Lan Zhan took a step back.

“Mn. I was going to help you relax, but if you’re relaxed, then I’ll go,” he said. It was bait and Wei Ying knew it was bait, but he couldn’t help himself but call out.

“Wait,” he said, pulling at the hem of his shirt, “What were you gonna do? Like, in case I was nervous.”

Wei Ying would never say it, but there was something about Lan Zhan that made his mind a bit easier. He seemed to quiet some of the noise just by being there. Yes, he spoke slow and moved slow, but that forced Wei Ying’s brain to do the same.

Lan Zhan took a step forward again.

“I was going to say that kissing isn’t that complicated,” he said. Wei Ying rolled his eyes.

“How would you know?” Lan Zhan’s eyebrow raised and Wei Ying’s stomach plummeted as it came to his attention that perhaps he’d been wrong about that. Lan Zhan took another step closer to him. Wei Ying swallowed. “I have a confession to make, Lan Zhan.”

“Mn.”

“I’ve never kissed anyone,” he said. Saying it out loud just made him feel even more nervous. “And now I feel stupid and like I’m going to embarass myself. All those girls have probably kissed a ton of guys and they’d be paying money just for me to let them down and then I’ll let Wen Qing down because they’ll tell their friends that it wasn’t that good. Then I’m going to have to come up with a way to pay for her share of the donation because it’ll be‒”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan said, voice low and smooth and distracting.

“What?”

“Wei Ying,” he repeated, taking another step closer. 

Wei Ying’s eyes shifted between his close proximity and the closed door. Lan Zhan’s hand moved from behind his back to reach up and gently place on Wei Ying’s jaw. His mind started spinning with a whole new wave of thoughts.

“Oh,” Wei Ying said seconds before Lan Zhan closed the space between them.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to happen‒mainly because what the fuck‒but Wei Ying found himself shocked when it lasted longer than a couple seconds like he was sure the kissing booth kisses were going to be. Instead, Lan Zhan tilted his head and parted his lips just a little, just enough to slot perfectly around Wei Ying’s bottom lip to give it a little kiss of its own. He then pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and then another peck right on his lips before pulling back.

Wei Ying stood there, frozen as he stared at Lan Zhan with wide eyes. He hadn’t realized he wanted to do that. 

“Close your eyes, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan instructed softly.

“Well, wait, are you gonna do that again?” Wei Ying asked. Lan Zhan got that whole soft-faced thing again and nodded, so Wei Ying promptly shut his eyes.

They were the same height so there truly was no reason for Lan Zhan to touch his chin and tilt his head up, but it certainly made things a bit more fun. Lan Zhan kissed him again, parting his lips again much sooner and Wei Ying followed suit. He mimicked the way Lan Zhan moved, hoping that it wasn’t too embarrassing and somehow not giving a shit even if it was. It was good.

And then Lan Zhan pushed his tongue past Wei Ying’s lips.

Wei Ying gasped in response, moving back just a little and Lan Zhan immediately stopped. He opened his eyes and made eye contact with him, up close and personal.

“You, like, actually know what you’re doing, don’t you?” Wei Ying asked.

“Mn.”

“Who have you been kissing, Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying teased, feeling a bit more than giddy. He pushed himself onto his toes and draped his arms around his neck. Lan Zhan had to tilt his head back just a bit to maintain eye contact and Wei Ying was enamored. “Wait, wait, don’t talk, just keep going.”

“Mn.”

Lan Zhan met his lips again, his tongue immediately pressing into his mouth and this time Wei Ying was expecting it. It was a little weird, but it was nothing he couldn’t adjust to. Nothing he wanted to stop. Especially not when Lan Zhan easily held the brunt of his weight the more he pressed into his personal space, causing him to arch his back as he did so.

His hands slid down to Wei Ying’s hips, giving them a small squeeze as he tugged him closer. Wei Ying continued to mimic him‒copying the way his tongue moved, the way his teeth grazed his lips, the way he didn’t mind if it got a little messy and a little gross. It would probably be gross with anyone else.

It was all normal until Wei Ying made a needy little noise that he hadn’t intended. He could feel his face grow warm and he considered pulling back, but Lan Zhan’s hand moved back to his jaw and he kissed him deeper. Then Lan Zhan started backing him up until his legs hit his bed.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying gasped, trying to catch his breath as he broke the kiss. Lan Zhan’s eyes opened again and met him.

“Wei Ying,” he said.

Wei Ying tightened his arms around Lan Zhan’s neck, finding himself quite desperate to keep him in his grasp. Lan Zhan obliged by not even trying to leave as his hand rubbed up and down his side mindlessly. He wanted to stare at him forever.

“Lan Zhan, why’d you do that?” Wei Ying asked after he was back to breathing normally. Or, as normally as he could when he was still this close to Lan Zhan. He was pretty sure Lan Zhan could feel his heart thudding in his chest. “Were you just being polite so I wouldn’t embarrass myself?”

Lan Zhan didn’t say a word, didn’t even hum.

“Was it because you’re just a good friend?” Wei Ying asked. Again, no answer. A pout slowly started to form on Wei Ying’s face. “Lan Zhaaan, give me an answer. I need to know!”

Lan Zhan’s eyes trailed away from him and down to the pout on his lips. And then he moved forward and took his pouting lip between his teeth. Wei Ying made a noise in shock, but he didn’t move away as he felt Lan Zhan’s tongue graze his lip. Then he was being kissed again and all of his questions left his head as Lan Zhan all but pushed him onto his bed.

He didn’t care what his motives were, he just didn’t want it to stop.

Lan Zhan hovered over him, leaving a trail of kisses over his cheek and his jaw and then to his neck. Somehow, that was when Wei Ying’s brain actually shut down. His eyes closed and his lips parted as he tried to keep steady breaths, his body all too attuned to the way Lan Zhan kissed and sucked and bit at his neck. There was no reason that should’ve felt as good as it did. It helped that he had his weight on him. All he could feel was Lan Zhan.

“Lan Zhan,” he said, bowing his head into his shoulder and hoping he didn’t minimize Lan Zhan’s target area. He kept his arms around his shoulders, hugging him tight as he did whatever he was doing to his neck. “Ahh, Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan.”

It was all cut short, though, when Wei Ying’s phone started ringing.

He very much wanted to ignore it, wanted to just continue doing this, but Lan Zhan reached for it and handed it to him. His biting and sucking turned into more patient kitten licks, but it was still distracting as all hell.

“What?” Wei Ying asked as he answered the phone, not bothering to see who was calling. He just hoped it wasn’t either of his adoptive parents.

“I’m going to be at your house in two minutes, so be outside,” Wen Qing said. Wei Ying’s eyes widened as he remembered that not only did he have to stop, but he had to kiss other people after this. How the hell was he supposed to do that?

And maybe he finally understood why Wen Qing had been hesitant.

“Okay, yeah, yeah, I’ll be there. See you soon, Qingqing,” he said.

“You too, Wei Ying,” she said back and for once she sounded a bit fond.

The moment the call was over, Wei Ying groaned and kicked his feet childishlessly. Lan Zhan hummed in what seemed to be amusement against his collarbone.

“Lan Zhan, this has ruined me for everyone else this evening, do you understand? How am I supposed to kiss a line of girls after that?” he asked. Lan Zhan moved to prop himself up on his elbow, looking down at Wei Ying. If he wasn’t still pressed up against him, he probably would’ve thrown a fit.

“Mn,” Lan Zhan hummed, his fingers trailing idly up his body and to his neck where he pressed two fingers into a sore spot. Wei Ying furrowed his eyebrows and reached up to feel as well, still damp from Lan Zhan’s kisses. It took a few seconds to put together why it felt that way and his eyes went wide.

“Ahh,” he said, looking up to Lan Zhan, “Everyone’s gonna be able to see that in a few hours, won’t they?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan agreed, the faintest of smiles on his lips, “I’m not.”

“Lan Zhan, you’re so cheeky, I can’t believe it!” Wei Ying laughed, wriggling a bit as he moved to lay on his side so he could be chest to chest with Lan Zhan, “Ah, but I have to go.”

“You do,” he said. Wei Ying pouted again, only slightly hoping that’d lead to more kisses. 

“Maybe if I use mouthwash like I said I would, you’ll kiss me like that later? Or, like, tomorrow‒at the latest, just in case I get sick of kissing after the booth,” Wei Ying said.

“Whenever Wei Ying wants,” Lan Zhan agreed. Wei Ying smirked easily, nudging his knee into Lan Zhan’s.

“Ah, don’t say that, you’ll be stuck with me hanging off you like a leech every day for the rest of your life,” Wei Ying teased.

“Alright,” Lan Zhan agreed. Wei Ying immediately felt his face flush and he bowed his head against Lan Zhan’s chest, shaking his head.

“How am I supposed to think straight if you agree to things like that?!” he whined. Lan Zhan hummed.

“Hopefully you won’t.”

“Was that a joke?” Wei Ying asked, lifting his head and laughing easily. Lan Zhan was smiling at him bigger than he ever had before. “Oh, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, stop it, I have to go and you’re making that impossible.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan said, leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss to his lips, “Go.”

“And this isn’t the last time we do this, right? Like, I get more Lan Zhan kisses, you promise?” he asked, pushing himself up beginning to crawl over Lan Zhan’s body. He paused to hover over him and make eye contact to make sure this wasn’t just a very intense fever dream.

“Mn.”

“Okay then. I’ll go,” Wei Ying said, climbing off him slowly and taking a few wobbly steps backward. The further away he got, the more he got to take in the picturesque image of Lan Zhan laying in his bed. “And I’ll be back and I’m going to kiss you again.”

“Goodbye, Wei Ying.”

“Bye, Lan Zhan.”

Wei Ying somehow made it out of the front door in one piece, his heart still thudding as he thought about what just happened. He still wasn’t quite sure what it meant between them, but he did know it meant he probably wouldn’t have to worry about kissing too many strangers after this.

When Wen Qing pulled up in her old, beat-up car and he climbed into the passenger side, she gave him a once over.

“Wow,” she said, “You actually don’t look like you’re nervous. Guess Lan Zhan was actually helpful.”

“Yeah,” Wei Ying laughed, touching his bottom lip, “Super helpful.”

Flower | 15

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff, mentions of smut

; Word Count: 6.4k

; Warnings: Mentions of smut, mentions of body issues, mentions of anxiety

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: Thank you for all your love on this so far :3 I appreciate it so much! Please reblog this if you like it and leave me a comment so I can see what you think! Or send me an ask, your love helps to keep me going <333

; Flower Masterpost

-

Shuffling the player booklets in your hands beneath the coffee table, you laugh as your two best friends squabble with each other over the film that you’d all watched earlier. Chungha had thought it was great whereas Soyeon had been bored within ten minutes. Not even the combination of the ridiculously talented Christian Bale and...well...Matt Damon could gain her interest.

You kept quiet though, not wanting to gain Soyeon’s ire by pointing out that you very much enjoyed the film about the 1966 Le Mans car race. But you actually liked those kind of films. Biopic style films that is, not car films. They were actually one of your favourite genres to be honest. 

Soyeon just dismissed them soundly as Oscar bait and she truly hated to sit there and watch them, much preferring to watch a comedy or romance. You would admit that most biopic films often ended up just looking like they were engineered specifically for the Oscars... but you still liked them. Spotlight was still your favourite best picture winner of the last ten years and you’d die on your hill to make sure people knew that. 

Quickly dealing out the player cards, you wait for everyone to turn them over and see who they’re playing as. Chungha is the one to immediately whine, any arguments about the film forgotten as she begins pouting dramatically as she reveals her Dr Facilier character card while Soyeon punches the air in excitement as she reveals that she’d got Hades.

A quick glance at yours has you smiling, noting that Maleficent was always a fun character to play. Not exactly your favourite but she wasn’t as complicated as some characters. You glance over at Chungha with a smirk as you think that, knowing that she probably won’t win with him. Despite playing this game so many times, none of you still quite knew how to play him.

It felt nice to be with them both again though, the atmosphere playful and you felt yourself relaxing into happiness as you watch the two of them start to bicker quietly again to each other. With Hoseok spending so much time at yours nowadays, you often didn’t get to have your normal weekly board game night on Wednesday. 

Any time you spend with your best friends had usually been spent going out shopping heading to the cinema. Somewhere that wasn’t home and involved you actually having to go out at the weekend because as much as you love being home, you didn’t want to spend your entire life indoors.

But tonight, Hoseok wasn’t here and you were desperate to play some board games, almost itching to do so. You knew that he’d seen your extensive board game collection but he hadn’t queried it too much so far. It was, strangely, one of the few things that hadn’t come up in conversation and you’d been enjoying your time with him too much to break out the games just yet.

You were going to ask him to play with you though, maybe a game of Villainous like today or something, a nice two-player game that would ease him in to your beloved hobby. He’d mostly been mildly curious so far, looking over the collection you’d amassed over the years before he’d casually commented that the only board game he’d ever played was Monopoly, which had you cringing.

Yes, you’d teach him. And hopefully he’d like it and would keep playing with you.

Tonight though, was for your best friends. You’d invited them over earlier in the day, texting them while at work and hoping they would both be free. They hadn’t been, with Chungha actually being set to go on a date with her new girlfriend, Dahyun, and Soyeon was supposed to have been going out with her work colleagues.

Friday nights were busy obviously, but they’d both dropped their plans immediately to get to spend some time with you. None of you had properly hung out for over two weeks now and you were just as desperate to see them, socialise with someone other than Hoseok.

Because as much as you liked him, you needed people outside of him.

Hoseok hadn’t actually been planning to go out with his own friends tonight, but you’d awkwardly told him that you’d invited Chungha and Soyeon to go to the cinema and that you’d all be coming back here for a game or two. He’d taken it well, probably happy that you were investing time with your friends as well as him, and had made the arrangements with his own friends for the night.

You’d also shyly, very incredibly shyly to the point you’d felt like you were dying, asked him if it was okay to tell them that you’d slept together. That first time, so awkward and shy yet oddly perfect in your mind, had been two weeks ago. Hoseok had joked a few days ago that he’d awoken a sex monster because you’d probably had more sex with him in these last two weeks than you’d had in a year in college.

Okay, you were exaggerating a little but you couldn’t keep your hands off him. You fantasize about him at work and dream about him at night. It’s just...the sex felt so damn good, the pleasure he gave you so overwhelming that once or twice you’d even ended up crying which had bewildered you both. Particularly as you’d yet to orgasm during the actual sex.

You were still a little shy about your body, not particularly liking being naked still despite it all but every time, you felt yourself open up to him a little more. The knowledge that he desired you was intoxicating and you just didn’t understand why it felt so...good with him?

Hoseok didn’t really know either. He was more than okay with all the sex he was suddenly getting, you imagined it probably felt a little like a week long rainstorm after a six year drought to him, but you could tell he wasn’t entirely okay with you not orgasming still.

It didn’t bother you at the moment, you refused to let it because if you let your mind grasp onto that then you knew that you’d never let it go and you’d probably never orgasm during sex. Hoseok was accepting it so far, acknowledging that you knew yourself best and content that it wasn’t upsetting you but you didn’t want him to become stressed over it.

He was being a very good boyfriend in that on more than one occasion, he’d gone down on you first and at least you an orgasm that way. But even the idea of actually getting there during actual sex was daunting at the moment.

Which is why you wanted to talk to the girls tonight, tell them what happened and whether it really was as normal to not orgasm as Hoseok said. You maintained that you were okay with the sex as it was so far, but you’d want to at least try soon.

But you hadn’t wanted to do something he wasn’t happy with, so you’d asked for permission first. Which he’d given with a big grin, eyes sparkling with mischief and happiness. You’d been surprised how easily he’d said yes, as you were unsure whether you wanted him to discuss your sex life with his own friends.

You felt a little selfish thinking like that, but he’d accepted it without question. Just like he always did. It was almost like he understood that you wouldn’t entirely feel comfortable having your problems with sex discussed so openly, particularly given how experienced all his friends were. And they knew all about the girls he’d slept with previously.

You just...couldn’t handle being judged by them like that.

“Hellooooo?” Chungha asks, waving her hand in front of your face. Jerking back, you realise that you’d been a little away with the fairies for the last few minutes and you mutter out an apology, quickly grabbing the character board they gave you along with the green Maleficent character token.

It only takes seconds for you to set up your play area, placing the special white fate deck to one side and your normal green deck to the other side. Taking four cards from your normal deck, you check out the cards you’ve drawn with pursed lips, mind already racing ahead as you try to contemplate what your moves will be along with what your friends moves will be.

Soyeon starts out, moving Hades and collecting some power tokens from the little plastic token cauldron that was placed in the centre of the table. And then her eyes narrow, lips pursing out as she taps her index finger against them. She’s plotting, glancing between your board and Chungha’s before she grins at you, pointing one beautifully painted red nail at you.

“I’ll have your fate cards miss…” Huffing and rolling your eyes in an over-exaggerated manner, you take two of the cards and pass them over to her, leaning back on your hands and waiting for her to decide between the two. She reads them over intently, chewing on her inner cheek before nodding and handing you one back.

And then you watch as she puts Aurora down on your board, covering the top two actions on the location you’re at. Immediately you whine, pouting at her childishly and she just giggles as Chungha takes her own turn.

Soyeon’s smiles turn into frowns though when Chungha repays the favour quickly, taking her fate cards and dealing her a blow to her efforts to win. Villainous always ends up with all three of you getting progressively more aggressive with your gaming until it’s almost like you’re going to come to blows. But none of you take it to heart...after all, it is a game in which the best villain tries to win.

The first game passes by surprisingly fast, all three of you desperately trying to stop each other from winning but you were on the other side of the table to them. Which meant they couldn’t see your board properly, and you proudly placed the final curse on the board that you needed to win, grinning broadly.

“I win!” You chuckle, the sound bright and happy as they both stare at you in a strange mix of exasperation, annoyance and petulance. They take it in their stride though, smiling and congratulating you as you all begin to tidy up the characters.

As they place those cards and pieces back into the boxes, you deal out new characters and set up the boards for the new game. This time, with it being the second game, you all start to chat more.

And inevitably, the conversation turns around to your relationship with one tattooed, pierced metalhead. You could tell that they were interested in hearing more about what was going on in your relationship because you didn’t tell them a huge amount. Thankfully, they were used to that, but you knew that they were insanely curious about the unbelievably sweet man who seemed to be far too nice to be real.

Although...they hadn’t seen how the man seemed incapable of turning off the damn lights after himself. More than once you’d got frustrated at that, though he was getting better at it.

“So...you and Hoseok good?” Soyeon asks lightly, her voice doing that whole fake innocent thing that people do when they’re asking a question that they really want to know the answer to but don’t want to sound like they’re too desperate. Or nosy.

But Soyeon is definitely nosy, and you simply smile at her from above your card hand, currently pressed to your mouth.

You don’t act too coy though because honestly, you’ve been wondering how to get the conversation moving in that direction for a while. One thing you’ve never managed to do is be subtle in your conversations, as Hoseok had discovered, and it’d be obvious that you wanted them to ask about your relationship.

Which would just seem to be big headed in your opinion.

And yet despite wanting to talk about exactly this, you suddenly find yourself extremely shy about it. Slightly odd, you note to yourself, because originally you’d been shy around Hoseok and discussing it with your best friends without too much concern but now you feel shy talking about him with them and had plenty of conversations with ease with him.

Still though, you play with the cards in your hand, grateful to have something to distract your restless limbs with for a few moments. Chungha lets out a quiet sigh, taking a drink from the elegant wine glass you kept in the cupboards just for them before letting her chin rest on her hand.

“He’s treating you good right? I will kick his ass if he’s not. He knows that, right?” Her serious tone makes you snort with laughter, nodding slightly.

“Yes, he’s aware. It’s just...it’s still weird to me that we’re talking about me and not...either of you. When was the last time I dated someone for this long? Or even just dated!” At that point, you’re more rambling to yourself as your eyes widen and you gesture wildly.

The two women looked at each other for a moment before Soyeon makes her move in the game, shifting her character into a different location and quickly doing all the actions available to her.

“It’s slightly odd yes...I mean, I think this is the first time in years that you’re not immediately available do things with on a weekend. Or that you’ve missed board games night for consecutive weeks now. But I’m pretty sure we’re okay with that because oh...my god. You look so happy.” She smiles, pressing her hands to her chest and Chungha grins, nodding excitedly.

It makes you feel bashful, lowering your head to avoid their glances and you hear them both let out breathy laughs.

“Oh come on, you are! I mean...sure you don’t talk about him all the time but I’m not surprised by that. You’ve never been the kind of person to become obsessed about someone else. But it’s just...in the way you just look relaxed and content. The little hints that he spends a lot of time here like the toothbrush in the bathroom.”

“Or the extra shoes and coat in the hallway.” 

“And the men’s razor and deodorant. Plus the beer in your fridge. You actually have beer!” Soyeon says, eyes widening as she lifts up the long neck bottle in her hands. Sure enough, it’s one of Hoseok’s that you buy at the supermarket whenever you go to fill up your shelves. He never asked you to buy it, but you’d noticed that it seemed to be his favourite as he drank it the most.

So it found its way into your shopping trolley every week, along with his favourite cereal and a few other snacks he seemed to enjoy the most. You weren’t sure that he’d noticed that they suddenly seemed to populate your kitchen when before they hadn’t but you didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Apparently though, that hadn’t gone unnoticed by these two.

“He’s just being comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with that. I want him to feel...well comfortable here.” You protest weakly, taking your own turn quietly before waiting once more. Neither of them say anything for a moment and another two turns pass by before one of them speaks again.

“There’s nothing with it, you’re right. We’re happy for you. We were just a little worried that maybe you weren’t entirely okay with him being over all the time. We both know how much you like your personal space after a while and how tired you get from being social.” Chungha says, her fingers running along the worn edge of the table while you detect a note of apprehension in her voice.

You feel warmth and happiness at their concern for you though, knowing that they just want to make sure you’re happy and that you haven’t been forced into something you didn’t like. Exactly like best friends should be like, even if they were ecstatic that you’d found someone like Hoseok.

Shaking your head, you smile at them both brightly as your eyes focus on the cards in front of you. “No, it’s...it’s nothing like that. I kept going to his at first but then he came to mine and...well...you know I prefer being here than anywhere else. So...I kept inviting him over and he seems to like it better here so...yeah. It just kind of...happened?”

Pausing, you bite your lip as nervous butterflies flutter in your stomach while your shoulders shrug.

“I...well...he doesn’t spend all his time here. And like...he’s out with his friends tonight so he’ll probably go back to his place but...I actually like him being here? I don’t feel...drained with him? Like, if I get a bit moody or feel like I need some time to myself then I just go to the bedroom and like, read or something. It works for me and he’s fine with it. I just...I don’t know, it’s weird. I actually don’t really like it when he’s not here,” Pausing for a moment, you frown slightly as you consider that. “I miss him when he’s not here.” 

Your words have your best friends practically squealing with delight, both of them vibrating in their places on the floor with ridiculously big grins on their faces.

“Oh my goddd! You’re both so cute together! I’m so happy,” Chungha squeaks, wiggling with her hands fisted tightly and an absurdly happy smile that makes her eyes crinkle prettily. “Seriously, you don’t know how happy I am for you. To see you smiling and laughing while talking about a guy, telling us you’re so comfortable with him that you actually want him here!”

Suddenly, she looks a little teary and you frown, wondering what’s wrong. Soyeon sees it too and smiles, rubbing at Chungha’s shoulders before looking over at you.

“We just...worried about you for a while. Especially when you’d tell us how much you wanted something with someone and to see you finally get it...with someone like Hoseok too. You really hit the boyfriend lottery there, holy shit. He’s so good for you, from what you’ve said and what we’ve seen of him so far. We’re just...so happy that you’re happy!” And now you’re crying, your eyes filling with hot tears that make your eyes sting as your lip trembles.

Looking away from them both, you steadfastly try to stop them from falling. You hate crying, even in front of your best friends. But hearing how genuinely ecstatic they are to know that you’re not only happy but flourishing with Hoseok hits all the insecure parts within you. All the parts that had been convinced for a long time that you’d never find anyone, that no one would ever find you attractive or ever enjoy your personality. 

You still didn’t understand why Hoseok wanted you when he could have someone so much better. Why he wanted someone who’s stomach wasn’t firm but a little soft, whose hips were perhaps a little more rounder and ass a bit bigger than you would like. Someone who wasn’t an anxious wreck all the time, who was more outgoing, who wasn’t as blunt and so much more.

But he’d chosen you. He spent time texting you, coming to your house and spending so much time with you and so much more. It was confusing to you, but at the same time you wanted to grip onto him so hard that he couldn’t get away.

“I’m happy.” You get out, voice a little strained and you cough hard to try and push away the emotions. And you want to steer the conversation away from anything too emotional, which is why you turn the topic to sex.

Bizarrely, you feel more comfortable with the idea of talking about sex with them than your innermost emotions. Maybe because you probably won’t burst into tears at your insane feelings of negativity that often swirl inside you.

“Erm...we…I mean...Hoseok and I...he...you know? Went down...on me. A few times actually. And err...two weeks ago we...you know.” Brows rising, you widen your eyes to emphasise what you’re saying and you watch in slight amusement as both of their faces change from being emotional to being shocked and excited.

“Oh...my god. You had that man go down on you? Holy fuck, was it good? Does his tongue piercing actually make a difference?” Soyeon bursts out, the words staccato as she practically spits them out, leaning against the table. Idly, you notice that your game has been near enough abandoned.

Still, her words send the visual image of Hoseok’s head between your legs slamming into your mind. You can almost feel his tongue against you, so hot and warm and wet. Squeezing your thighs, you try to hide the fact that you’d gotten turned on. And that said nothing for the next image that slid through your mind...Hoseok on top of you, his body solid and his breathing hard, deep groans as he slid in and out of you rhythmically.

Eyes widening, you swallow thickly and reach out to take a drink of your water. Chungha eyes you for a moment before snorting, evidently knowing what you’re thinking of even if she can’t be sure of the exact thoughts. But still, you go ahead to answer Soyeon.

“Yeah he...err...I wasn’t too sure because you know...I’ve never had anyone do that. But he sweet about it, pretty patient. I mean he’s always patient, he has the patience of a saint or something. And...err,” You feel yourself heat up in slight embarrassment. “Yeah...it was...really good. He, erm, he made me...you know.”

“Orgasm?” Soyeon grins and you sigh deeply, looking down and shaking your head in sudden amusement.

“You know...that’s the third time that’s happened.” That gets a confused look from the both of them and you inhale deeply, calming yourself as you decide to just say it. They’ve already freaked out once over just oral, finding out you had actual sex was going to blow their minds.

“Hoseok said...literally the same thing the other week when I got shy. We err...were talking about sex. And then we...did it.” You can tell that they both don’t quite realise at first, their faces blank. And then the realisation clicks and their jaws drop.

“Oh my god...oh my god! You...you’ve had sex with him? GIRL, WHY HAVE...you’ve just been sitting on this? I...oh my god, CHUNGHA, SHE’S FUCKED JUNG HOSEOK!” Soyeon practically screams, grabbing a hold of the other woman’s shoulders and shaking her violently before grabbing the BB-8 cushion off the couch behind her and punching it. You protest at that but it goes unnoticed because Chungha is squealing with excitement too.

“Holy shit, oh god...please tell us it was good!” She knocked over her character token by accident but none of you noticed, too busy being overly excited at your sudden sex life. Your sex life, what a strange thought.

Nodding shyly, you try to bite your lip to stop your smile but it doesn’t work, not when they both screech even louder. Anyone would think that they’d had sex with him, not you. But you knew they were so excited. Because even when you’d been in college, they’d known that you weren’t exactly underestanding why everyone raved about sex.

And now here you were, being all bashful about it and evidently having enjoyed it.

“It was...good. Really good. I mean...I didn’t...orgasm-” Before you can even get anything else out, Soyeon is interrupting with an outraged look.

“I’m sorry...a man that looks like that with his kind of track record in bed didn’t make you cum?” It’s Chungha who holds out a calming hand this time, giving her a placating look which basically told her to ‘chill the fuck out’.

“Don’t blame him! It’s not his fault,” You say sternly, surprising all of you with how strong and steady your voice is in your defence of your boyfriend. “I told him not to bother trying. Because...I’ve never even got close during actual sex and...I was a bit anxious anyway obviously. And I was worried that I’d get too stressed or upset if nothing was happening and he was trying to make something happen which just wasn’t going to happen so...I told him not to even try. I just...wanted to...you know...enjoy it with him. It was our first time you know?”

“How did he take that?” Chungha asks before Soyeon can interrupt and you give her a grateful smile, appreciating her calm nature. It seems to affect Soyeon, who quietens down and straightens up her game.

“I mean...he wasn’t like, too happy that I wasn’t going to...orgasm or even try. But...I mean...he agreed. I could tell he wasn’t entirely pleased with that during it but he listened to me. And he was so nice and attentive to me, gave me this whole system to use so that if I felt unhappy or uncomfortable then we would stop. Honestly, don’t get mad he didn’t try, that was on me. I don’t regret it either...I...I mean...we’ve done it again since and I asked for the same and...I really liked it. Maybe it’s because he’s actually paying attention to me or like...caring about me or maybe it’s just because he knows what he’s doing. But...it felt really good...even without an orgasm.” You glance down at your hands, smile bashful on your face as you think back on all the moments.

They had all been hot, obviously, but he’d been very careful with you every time. Even though you hadn’t orgasmed, you’d never felt so comfortable during sex with someone and you’d feel forever grateful to Hoseok for taking the time to make you okay with it all.

“I think I finally understand why people like doing it so much...even though I didn’t get any like...ultimate pleasure or anything...I still want to do it with him again. And again.” Your words go so soft and quiet as you finish off, getting very shy out of nowhere. 

Suddenly, despite wanting to talk to them and get advice, you don’t want them to know about those intimate moments with him. Because they were for him, not anyone else. The part of you that you’d kept locked inside for so long was slowly being brought out and it was for him.

“I er...I know I brought this up but erm...I don’t...I don’t think I want to talk about it anymore. I just...this is...it’s erm...our thing. And I think I’m going to work it out with him. I don’t...I don’t know, I’m being silly right? Or stupid? I just...I mean...he’s trying really hard and he’s going so slow. I just...if you tell me like...advice and stuff then I might get too stressed trying to do it and if I can’t do it then I’ll think there’s something wrong with me. So...we’ll work it out. Just...it’s good...it’s better than I thought it was gonna be and he’s really amazing with it. Please don’t think he’s being bad or mean or anything. Seriously he’s...yeah.”

The two of them don’t look offended at your sudden interruption into the conversation and you feel intense relief when they just nod with gentle smiles. You should’ve known that they wouldn’t be bothered about it but you got too into your own head sometimes. It was hard to believe other people didn’t think too hard about stuff when you would spend minutes analysing a single word.

“Hey, that’s fine. You do what you’re comfortable with, okay? That’s what we’ve always said in our friendship right? Don’t stress yourself out for us.” Soyeon said, reaching over the table to grasp at your hand with a supportive smile. Her long brown hair falls forward over her shoulder, curtaining her board from your vision and you simply smile in response.

Chungha grins, wrapping an arm around Soyeon’s shoulder and laughing loudly. “You big mush. This is because you’re due on next week isn’t it?” 

Surprisingly, Soyeon just nods and shrugs which causes you both to laugh. You both relate to her, the week before your period was often a russian roulette of symptoms which ranged from back ache to bloating to bad moods to stiff joints. Thankfully, you’d been on the pill for years now and so the more extreme symptoms had abated over time but Soyeon unfortunately always suffered from mood swings leading up to it.

“Thank you...both. Seriously. For...everything, you know.” They both stare at you before smirking, looking back down at the game that you’d all abandoned. Taking another drink of water, you feel your nerves calm down as the conversation moves away from something that had your blood racing.

And not just because it reminded you of pleasurable times.

“Well...we’ve still got a game to finish. And I’m gonna win this time.” With that, you all delve back deep into the game and start trying to do your best to fuck each other over enough to enable you to win. It’s with a deep whine that you lose again, causing you to pout childishly while Chungha wiggles in her little victory dance.

The sudden knock on the door causes you all to jerk in surprise though, pulling you out of setting up the new game. Kasumi who had been curled up asleep on her cat tree sat up with blue jewelled eyes wide and alert. Cooing to her, you reach over and run a hand over her soft head before looking in confusion at the tiny hallway.

“Is that Hoseok?” Soyeon asks, her own brow furrowed as she looks over the door too, her new character’s deck in her hand. Slowly, your head shakes in the negative as you stand and begin to move over.

“No...I mean...I don’t think so. It’s only 11pm, he normally stays out way later than this. And I thought he’d just go back to his place after.” But maybe he hadn’t, maybe he’d come over to yours instead. You’d never experienced drunk Hoseok before, only slightly tipsy.

Opening the door as far as the chain would allow, your eyes widen as you take in the sight of your boyfriend. He’s stood looking down at his phone, hair its usual messy after a whole day of running his hands through it while he’s just got on a plain black shirt tonight, covered by his favourite leather jacket.

Unlocking it properly, you open the door wide and look at him confused, arms crossing over your chest as he finally notices and gives you a big smile. His eyes are ever so slightly glazed but he’s not swaying on his feet, so you don’t think he’s drunk.

“Hey baby.” He says, voice completely steady and not even slightly slurred. Suddenly though, he frowns, hands coming up to cup your face. “Are you okay? You’ve been crying.” 

Trust him to recognise that immediately. Though, you’d be lying if you said it didn’t make your heart warm that he’d noticed even while tipsy. You shake your head at him though, giving him a gentle smile and telling it’s nothing.

He eyes you carefully for a moment before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to your lips. His breath and lips smell of alcohol but he seems fine as he moves past you, kicking off his shoes and shrugging off his jacket.

Heading back into the living room, you sit back down at the table on the floor and look back at him as he walks in. You’re suddenly incredibly aware of how small your apartment is with four people in it, particularly when Hoseok takes up so much space on his own given how big he is compared to everyone else.

Plus, he’s always your spot of darkness in an overly cute apartment.

Soyeon and Chungha greet him kindly, fully eyeing him without a care in the world. You’d warned him long ago that they were much bolder and open than you were and he’d just laughed, taking it in his stride. He was used to big personalities with his own friends after all.

“I thought you’d still be out?” You ask, picking up your deck once more and looking at the girls. They gesture to your board, indicating that it’s your turn and you hum lightly, moving your piece before beginning to go through the actions available to you.

“Yeah but...I got tired. I got called in early this morning and then they sent me to our other site which is like...a two hour drive away. Which would’ve been fine, but I was only there for half an hour and then had to drive all the way back. So I’m just tired and I want to go to sleep.” Hoseok has the slightest hint of a whine in his voice and you smother the smile that wants to spread at it.

Despite his big and scary looks, he was a huge softie who particularly liked being coddled apparently. Something you’d never guess looking at all those tattoos and piercings.

“Okay, but I thought you’d go back to yours tonight?” You’re aware suddenly that you sound more cold than you intend to, so you look at him and give him a smile to let him know that you’re not annoyed or anything. He smiles back, suddenly looking a lot less unsure of himself.

“No...I just...I forgot you’d both come over, I’m sorry,” Hoseok apologies to your best friends, giving an apologetic look which they wave off graciously. “I wanted to sleep here tonight.”

That sentence is said a little quieter than before and your stomach squeezes tightly before erupting into a flurry of tiny butterflies which batter themselves at your sides incessantly. He’d wanted to come to yours and sleep next to you tonight, that’s what he was saying but didn’t want to actually say in front of your friends.

Whether it was because he was embarrassed to say it or he didn’t want you to get embarrassed, you knew what he was really saying. Because you felt the same way when he wasn’t there in the bed with you nowadays.

You missed him, and he obviously missed sleeping next to you. He’d stayed at his place last night and you’d reconciled yourself to another night on your own. But he’d gotten a little tipsy and apparently just wanted to come to you.

“That’s fine, but we just started another game so I’m not going to be going to bed for a while yet.” A rarity really, because you always slept earlier than him.

“We can go if you want?” Chungha says politely, gesturing to the door and Soyeon nods as well, neither of them looking like they want to interrupt the two lovebirds. But immediately Hoseok is shaking his head, holding his hands out in a placating gesture.

“No, no! Please don’t. Finish your game, it’s fine. I’m just gonna go shower then go straight to bed, I’m too tired to stay up. It’s okay.” He smiles, moving over to you and crouching down to give you another quick kiss before standing back up, his knees cracking loudly. 

“I’ll probably see you tomorrow.” Letting out a chuffed laugh, you nod with amusement and grin even bigger when he leans down and kisses your forehead sweetly. “Night then.”

Hoseok says goodnight to the girls politely, not noticing the awed faces they both have on and once he’s turned around, you gesture at them to stop it. The poor guy’s going to get a complex if they keep it up.

As per usual, Hoseok showers at the speed of light and in less than ten minutes he’s already back out, freshly clean in his sleep wear. A final goodbye to you is given along with an overly exaggerated flying kiss which makes you squirm in embarrassment and just causes him to laugh happily.

The bedroom door doesn’t close all the way behind him, you never close it because of Kasumi and sure enough, there’s a tiny little chirp to your right. Looking over, you grin as Kasumi stretches, her back arching and tail fluffing itself up before she hops down from where she’d been resting all evening.

Brushing herself against you, she gives a soft purr of happiness before letting out a little mewl. There’s a brief moment to acknowledge Chungha and Soyeon, each giving her the requisite pats that cats deserve before she walks elegantly to the bedroom door and disappears inside.

Looking back at you, the girls give you a bemused smile and you shrug exasperatedly, a half smile playing on your lips.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, Kasumi loves Hoseok. She spends more time sleeping on him than she does me.”

“Okay but like...that’s adorable.” Soyeon points out and you just nod your head in response, watching as Chungha finally takes her turn after the interruption that had distracted you all.

“Yep, it is. But what’s even cuter is seeing how a teeny little fluffball managed to completely win over the big, tattooed metalhead. She’s got him exactly where she wants him and I think she might be at least a quarter of the reasons he comes over so much.” 

“The other three quarters is obviously the fine beer.” Lifting up her beer bottle, Soyeon smirks before swallowing the final frothy liquid inside as you give her a nod, the smile on your face taking away any sarcasm you might be going for.

“That’s exactly it.”

New Eyes

CW: Some internalized homophobia

Warning: This is 15 pages on Google Docs so it’s long. This is a combination of poems I’ve written over the past year or so (if my timeline is correct) about realizing and processing through some of my past crushes. It took me til version 4 to shift my perspective and not be ashamed of how I felt about these people. It’s kind of depressing to think that it took me no less than 4 years to get rid of the shame surrounding my sexuality, and even still I have my days, but in this case it makes for a nice arc that comes to accept everything by the end. In case you’re interested here’s a brief background on each person. I’m gonna go off since it’s already the length of a chapter of a book lmao.

1. She is literally the reasons for all of this. She was someone who I’ve known since middle school because we were in the “accelerated math group” together. She was always popular, but something always struck me differently about her. During our sr year of high school I sent her a message on Facebook and we had a few conversations on there. We were the only girls in our math class by this time and tbh we had more conversations online than we ever did in-person...we even sat next to each other in class omfg.

2. This one is about a friend I met in college. She was pretty, full of joy, and has a nice smile so I’m a very simple person when it comes to being attracted to people lol. I forced myself to get over it quickly and I’m thankful we still talk sometimes despite never really hanging out outside of the Christian group we were in lol.

3. Damn, this one’s about the friend referenced in “To see her smile again”. She’s literally just too perfect and the day I realized I got butterflies when she walked into the room was the day I fully realized/accepted that okay there’s more to me than being straight. I still don’t know how or why she loved me so well.

4. This one is about a friend I met in college, literally on the first day I was there. We were both in the same orientation group and were both so awkward we somehow stuck around together all 4 years lmao. Idk if she’s just awkward around me only or everyone, but by the end I could feel some kind of unspoken tension between us, especially after we went to see a play for the theatre class we took that was about Stonewall lol. A part of me wanted to say something but another part of me thought that maybe she was in a different place in the same journey of discovering her sexuality. The funniest part is that on Valentine’s Day I think a year ago we DM’ed on Instagram for 5 hours str8 (gay).

5. Aah yes, just another one of my Twitter crushes. Jk the first Twitter crush oooh! It took me like a good 6 months to fully accept said crush and like another 6 months to fully get over it. Truly I wish her all the best and all the healing.

V1.0

Once upon a time, These eyes grazed the truth

They saw the surface They saw someone With so much purpose

A life with a heart Transcending barriers and A mind with the ability To achieve great things

A person so pure Hiding their true self within Yet solid and confident in Serving

It was this willingness Intelligence Freedom To get lost in music and dance Goodness Integrity That led me to believe You were one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen.

And this, Is the truth that these eyes Could see

Objectively, Honestly, Truthfully, As transparently as Any teacher Any observer Any friend Knew you to be.

Yet still, My mind seems To have forsaken me.

What I know now Is what I failed to admit then What I replay in my head Is what I am slowly learning To accept within

It brings me shame To let these emotions Finally come in

And it brings me pain, Because that's not how I want to remember How and why This was perhaps, the "best" end.

I want to remember The objective observations The person we all saw, Not just me

I want to remember Rightfully, The words you said to me

I want to remember How I tried to look inside you So deeply

And how you gracefully Eloquently Opened up to me.

All I hope Is that these memories mean At least half of what they do to you As they do to me.

Even if I Can now look in this mirror And see, Say these words to myself Breathe And let them be,

I will never forget What you meant To everyone You met.

But because I tried To look so deep Because I tried To love you as you were, As you are I ended up finding something Only these eyes now Could see.

I cannot say That I fell in love With a fantasy

Because love Is so vast and deep

But there was A new feeling inside of me An emotion I would hide Because I never wanted it to be Outside For anyone To see.

I look back at these moments That replay inside my mind From every bathroom anxious tear I cried Unknowingly Became the catalyst For this "why"

Why was I so anxious And afraid? But that won't explain Why did I even feel The way that I did?

I didn't want to I pushed it down So easily It took me almost 5 years To finally accept This story That lingered inside of me.

Once I see A heart, soul, human life To love, I jump in wholeheartedly

Because I guess That is just who I am, Who I was made to be.

But I didn't expect That I'd be here Confronting these Treacherous conflicting feelings That to the casual observer Make it seem like It was all for me, Self-motivated Self-intentioned Just to set my eyes on something I could not define At the time.

If not me If I can't believe it, I hope you know Remember And see That regardless of what I felt The words we never said Still give you more Than a thousand reasons To keep on breathing And to keep on being The beautiful person We all knew You'd grow to be.

V2.0

Imagine What this heart can do Imagine What this heart can feel What these eyes Can see inside Before the mind Redraws the lines.

Imagine God's truth Willfully entering the soul Revealing more

Than I could ever know But all that I feel Is beyond words.

Imagine That what is beyond words Is not beyond shame

In fact, Shame has now met these emotions And tainted this love, The love the Lord has given To this heart of mine

This love that was pure Of good intention Is now questioned, Because of the reality, My reality, The way my mind sees

I can only perceive What these eyes gaze upon And the brain processes, filters, Through its many recognized colors

I cannot see What was not meant for me And what is Beyond me.

With these eyes, Imperfect and perhaps blind, They let me look upon a face Labeling it within me as shame Instead of grace

I used to be able to see, What I thought so innocently, Now a darkened fiend Of what was made A friend

What has now surfaced Became lies What has harbored Is judgment Internally, And nocturnal I have become

This is merely Not what I wanted to see But rather A predator where it meets its prey Onlooking the target Ready to strip Its life away

But here, This life is dignity Of the soul across the room Once the prime and primitive Instincts and defense mechanisms activate, There is no more reason, No way That words will ever be able To explain.

This Feels lost Feels lonely Like no one but me Will understand clearly That I love Deeply Wholly I dare say beautifully Whether or not these feelings Are just my feelings Or beyond Only my reality.

Because reality Is subjective Different between both you and me But somehow still We may find common ground Where the images our minds outline Overlap and see the same

It is here, where more than I Can finally understand. It is here, Where words are no longer the enemy But the potion and antidote To this shame

For this shame Has met humility Vulnerability The courage To be me

Even if The whole world will never know I know the whole world Will never understand, I still stand With my heart tall Convicted with truth Rooted in the Lord's Truth That you are so beyond and Better than beautiful It fills me With awe.

V3.0

These new eyes that have seen Change unfolding Have also seen Love unraveling.

From all the sweetness And fondness Of pure untarnished memories, To what I don't know if I know How to see,

This is me Raw and untouched Naked and ashamed To have loved The friend who was Never meant For me.

Blessed was I To have found one So faithful and kind For once not out of reach But yet still Out of my league With all the riches Of intelligence to joy And of course A smile that was not For the faint of heart to see

I have loved before, For it was here I found love In the purest form First, foremost, Of friendship

It was here Where every good thing That resonated inside me Grew tenfold With this unknown blessing That I had fathomed to know Beyond blessings ever received.

Yet, Little did I know, It took courage To love this way. Selfless Never ill-intentioned I tried to be Until the end.

It was generously That she gave me And so kindly Yet humbly I tried to give back Never feeling like What I gave was enough, As she so gracefully Accepted everything Speaking to me without words It was more than enough.

There is not a single soul That I have met Who could ever be Her Anything like her, Who could also be Or will likely ever be My friend.

It was on the days We left, Where our presences departed Where I had no regrets

But it was then When I realized The sadness and grief Was yet the loss Of love, Including the Lord's Love.

It was she, Who lamentably taught me How butterflies felt Inside me All the way To fear and shame Of this very discovery

As well as The best hugs Any person may probably ever give me.

There is no one like her, And there is no one better for her Than her husband, And this I know, It is he who I know To be faithful, kind, Courageous, righteous, Steadfast and Unconditionally loving

But somehow, I ask the Holy Spirit Did you bring her Here To teach me About love, faithfulness, and joy? Did you bring her Here To show me light in the world Once more? Did you bring her here To have a friend for once, To give me courage to speak, To love a friend deeply? And did you bring her here So that I could love so deeply That I found this part of me?

I can still say To this day That I have No regrets About anything I Have written or said To this friend, The greatest gift, A catalyst For this journey, And the one who gives The best hugs With the sweetest smiles I’ll ever be blessed to receive.

V4.0

Once where A new era began, A seed was planted In the mere probability of our existence

We did not find each other We stumbled upon one another In a way where awkwardness Was the main contributor To our similarities

Yet you stayed And I of course, stayed Somehow we relished In a relieving familiarity

Perhaps, It brought us together For that reason.

But what we had And what we have Has grown from a seed,

Watered, waiting We are here Where I never thought we would be: Friends now far away, Yet still able to relate

But even then What does it mean? It may not mean much of anything.

For a fleeting feeling Lines the nerves of my being Extremities tense While the rest of me at peace

For this is the only awkwardness We have known to overcome, Time and time again, —I never know Where your thoughts go

There is so much to be learned So much we will never know But in each other, We have still grown.

Maybe this is the best feeling I would never have known If I were not able To express it freely

Maybe one day Our lives not our hearts Will collide Telling the same story Of who we were always meant to be.

V5.0

To Jade, A jewel of always Every color but green,

Your story is a wonderful epic, Tales of travels That never grow old

They write an unapologetic narrative Of every highest mountain top And every lowest valley

You have climbed as high Just as much as you Have fallen down and cried

And I, I so wished to see and to learn Of every broken piece to your life That you thought you needed to earn

But I, Even with good intentions Fell into a hole I could not climb

I embraced every part At the expense of my joy Only adding To my despair

But you taught me What strength and courage Could be

To say it is easy To wake up every day Without the one Who loved you most Is irreparable As much as he was irreplaceable

To say the scars it leaves behind Are mere wounds of the flesh to be tended to Would simply be a lie

But still I Fell in love with What it could look like To see you wake up every morning And choose life

For there is nothing more brave As the story you write And continue to write.

I still stand by And wish to look upon your life To see how far you've come

But at least I've passed beyond The emotions I feared would last forever

Back then I was confused Back then I was still learning And I thank you for helping me Find who I am

Even if I can never say I fell as deep for love's sake, If I ever find you Stumble upon Or see you I will find the reddest rose And gift it to you

For the honor and memory of your brother And for the honor and memory of you Because sometimes words Will never be enough To describe what will always Be blooming in you (And how you've allowed me To blossom too).

Conclusion / V1.5

Without what happened that night These essays would never have turned to poems

Without the words we never said I wouldn’t have these reasons why I write

You are still as beautiful as the day I met you And the day I left you when I accepted You will remain a memory, not a friend meant for forever Or even for a second

But still, I do not hesitate To smile and be embarrassed Knowing now all That I did not know then That brings clarity, closure, and an end.

I never loved you But I definitely liked you Enough to zone in on Every beat of your heart

Enough to make you see Who you were always made to be And how worthy you are To be you, To be everything you are.

And so here I remain, Content and at peace Knowing I am allowed To never-more be ashamed.

Secrets [7]

Summary: King's Archeron's kingdom is made up of secrets, which include both betrayal and treason. When the Prince of Velaris and his Inner Circle visit the kingdom, these secrets start revealing themselves. How will these affect the 3 Archeron Princesses, who themselves have a very deadly secret?

AN: All characters belong to Sarah J. Maas.

Warnings: Slight Mature Language

Word Count - 2.1k

Early update!

Elriel shippers, hope you enjoy it!

Masterlist

Elain was ready much before time. She was wearing a dress that would be considered scandalous if she were to go somewhere other than Rita’s. She had a long overcoat hiding most of the bodice, only her sandals visible underneath.

The previous two days had not gone differently. After breakfast, she would meet up with Rhys and they would talk about their likes and dislikes, their kingdom and various other random topics. After lunch, she crossed paths with Azriel as both of them had to train at that time. 

Dinner would be a casual affair and after that she would spend most of the night dreaming of the man she had trained with. Seeing Azriel train shirtless from the past days, had only encouraged her fantasies.

She reached the main doorway only to find Azriel already prepared and waiting for others. She would not lie to herself and say that she was not glad that she would be able to get some time alone with him. As she moved closer to him, she cleared her throat, catching his attention.

He turned around and looked at her from up to down, eyeing her overcoat with much suspicion. “Why do I have a feeling that whatever you’re wearing underneath is bound to surprise me?”

Elain loved the way his hazel eyes had a glint of amusement in them. She imagined what they would look like after spending an entire night together, uncovering their secrets, one by one. 

Elain gave him a sly smirk as she said, “Why don’t you ask your spies?” 

Azriel’s expression faltered for a moment, before he regained his composure as he asked her, “I beg your pardon? I do not understand.”

“Well, you are the Spymaster. You obviously have spies to help you out, don’t you?” She said. Elain was feeling bolder than she usually was whenever she was around Azriel. There was something about him that made Elain a much better version of herself.

Then there was also the fact that his looks could literally kill. 

Azriel nodded. “Rhys just said that we were to be ready by sunset. Would you mind telling where we are going?” He questioned her.

“We are going to one of the best places to go in our kingdom.” Elain said. 

“A bit more information would help, you know.” Azriel said. She looked at him and smiled. He gave her a flustered look.

“Oh don’t worry, you’ll know soon enough, I’m sure.” With that she ended their conversation and the others started coming their way. 

----------------------------

Feyre was glad that they were all going to Rita’s. What better way to uncover one’s secret when one is drunk? Feyre figured she would easily get the Prince drunk and make him spill all of his intentions. Feyre knew she herself was in no state to drink again. At least not until a few years. She was shocked at Elain’s ability to remain calm after a night of heavy drinking. 

She had spent the past two days with  the General, Cassian. He had told her about his job and had also offered to train with her once she had expressed her interests in swordfighting. They had started training at 7 in the morning and she had to say, it was much better than training with Tamlin. 

Feyre wore one of her better dresses. She intended to get to know most of the guests that had come to visit. Especially the two females whom she had no interaction with yet. Underneath her dress, she also hid two daggers on each thigh, just in case they were required. 

There was a knock on her door when she had finished readying herself.  She expected it to be either of her sisters or Cassian. 

She did not expect, however, to come face to face with a blonde haired woman dressed completely in red. She recognised her as Morrigan, one of their guests.

“Hello!” She exclaimed. “My name is Morrigan, but call me Mor!” Feyre winced slightly as Mor’s voice echoed off the stone walls. 

Feyre clutched her dress as she said, “Princess Feyre Archeron.” 

Mor waved her hand. “Oh, I already know. Come on, let’s go. I thought it would be nice to come and meet you.” Before Feyre could say anything, she added, “And don’t worry, Rhys did not send me here.” She tangled her arm with Feyre’s as she said, “In all honesty, Rhys would bite off my head if he knew I was with you.” 

“Why is that?” Feyre found herself asking. 

Mor glanced towards her once and started moving forward, pulling Feyre along with her. “Well, that is something only he himself could tell you. Enough about my stupid cousin. Tell me about yourself. And where are we going? No one told me anything and it’s making me anxious.”

Feyre smiled to herself. She had not even known Mor for more than a minute and had already considered her a very nice person to be friends with. And she knew that she needed one of those.

----------------------------

Cassian knew he was taking a great risk by standing outside her chambers, waiting for her. He knew she would definitely castrate him once she saw him, but he found that he could not stay away from her. There was something about Princess Nesta. He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. 

The door in front of opened and she stood before him, in a long overcoat. She settled her gaze on him and scowled.

Oh how he loved that scowl.

Cassian smirked at her. “Let’s go Princess, your sisters are waiting for you.” He held his hand out for her. She didn’t accept it just like he expected. 

“I was not aware that you were going to be here.” She said cautiously. 

“Well, then whom did you think was going to be here? Certainly not someone more handsome than what you got.” He remarked. 

She narrowed his eyes. “Actually, yes, I did. I had expected the spymaster to be here.” She simply said. Cassian couldn’t do anything about the small feeling of jealousy that piqued within him. 

He pushed it all aside and said, “Well, Azriel had to go do some other important stuff and I thought I could come here instead of wasting my time.”

At that, Nesta turned towards him abruptly and glared at him. “Being here is the equivalent of wasting your time?”

Shit. “No, that’s not what I meant Princess.” 

Nesta didn’t care to listen though. “Just keep quiet and let me go.” 

After that Cassian stayed silent the entire way till the entrance where everyone was already there, waiting for them. Rhys sent him a confused look and Cassian only gave him a look that said, I screwed up big time.

----------------------------

Rhysand spent 15 minutes in the carriage wondering one thing, Where the hell were they going? He sat beside Feyre who had unknowingly sat very close to him. He did not mind it all, though. He did mind that the entire journey, she did not pay him any attention. She was talking to everyone else, even Amren, but not him. 

When they finally reached their destination and got out of the carriage, Rhys found himself standing in front of a huge building from which lights were pouring out. It seemed more crowded than any normal place. As soon as he entered the building, he realised that Rita’s was a tavern. It was filled with a lot of men and very few women. 

Someone handed all of them a glass filled with drinks. Feyre turned around and looked at him for the first time that evening. “Don’t worry. Drink up. You’ll be needing it.” She smiled at him and turned around. He emptied his glass in one gulp and realised it was vodka mixed with some sweet juice.

The three sisters moved ahead together and removed their coats, revealing a short dress, reaching their mid thighs, and stuck very closely to their body. From beside him, Az started choking on his drink and Mor laughed loudly. Cassian patted him on the back until he stopped choking and all of them looked at the sisters with wide eyes. 

Feyre was wearing a dark blue shimmery dress. She looked marvelous.

The three of them walked up to the lady tending the bar and got three drinks for themselves. All three of them downed it in one gulp. 

Mor and Amren moved ahead and joined them, leaving behind the three males, dumbstruck.

----------------------------

Az tried his best to not stare. He really did. But he could not help whenever his gaze involuntarily shifted towards Elain. She was wearing a dark pink dress, covered in glitters and it reached her mid thigh. 

He was used to seeing females wear such dresses back in his kingdom but he had not expected to see Elain ever wearing something of such. In gowns, Elain looked pretty and beautiful, like a true princess, but at that moment, in that dress of hers and drinking down whiskey as if there was no tomorrow, she looked like a goddess. And Azriel would be damned if he said he didn’t want to spend every second of his life worshipping her. 

He didn’t know where he was getting these thoughts from. He was on a mission and he shouldn't be getting distracted by one princess. Unfortunately, he couldn’t convey the same message to his mind. 

She was sitting on a barstool, alone, nursing a drink. Her sisters were nowhere to be seen and he thought he should go sit with her, just in case she needed help. 

He slid onto the seat beside her. Without turning towards him she said, “If you care for your life, I suggest you go away this instant.” Az wouldn’t have felt threatened if it weren't for the little needle she had placed right near his inner thigh. 

He smiled and raised both his hands in surrender. “You have me defeated.” 

Elain turned and looked at him, her eyes lighting up as soon as she saw him. “Azzie! I didn’t see you there!” 

Az smiled at her. “You’re drunk.” He stated. 

She shook her head. “Nah. Just a little bit tipsy.” She said as she pinched two of her fingers together. “So, what do you think of the dress?” She asked him.

Az looked down at her once again. “Uh… You look nice.” He said hesitantly.

She shook her head in dismay. “The truth, Azzie.” She leaned towards him and whispered conspicuously. “There’s no one here to listen to our words and watch our actions.” 

Az found himself leaning towards her as well. “Actions, huh?” He whispered as well. 

They were very close to each other. He could feel her hot breath. “We could do whatever we want and there will be no one stopping us.” She leaned in closer, her gaze focussed on his lips.

“You look incredibly sexy.” He said as he finally closed the distance between them and touched his lips to hers. 

She instantly increased the pace. She grasped onto his forearm and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Azriel moved his hand from her shoulder, down to her back, caressing her long, soft hair. He moved his other hand to cup her face. 

Everything around them ceased to exist. Az could barely taste alcohol on her lips. He knew from her bright eyes that she was completely in her senses. 

She raised her hands and held onto his shoulders. They broke apart slightly, both panting heavily. She looked into his eyes and opened her mouth to speak when she was interrupted by the barmaid. 

“Princess, you need to hide now.” She said urgently. Elain looked confused. She turned her gaze towards the entrance and widened her eyes in shock. She then grabbed Azriel and went in the opposite direction of the entrance.

Azriel glanced at the entrance, but couldn’t see much due to the crowd. All he could make out was a tall man with furious green eyes and golden hair. 

----------------------------

The man with golden hair stood in front of King Archeron, handing him a goblet filled with wine. 

“How was your journey, Captain?” The King asked as he took a sip of wine. The man did not reply, just sat in a chair in front of a fireplace. “Captain, I asked you something.” 

He just said, “King.” 

King Archeron looked at him with narrowed eyes. “What do you mean?” 

The Captain stretched his legs in front of him. “I am the King now.”

The King looked at him furiously. “What rubbish?!” Suddenly, the King felt unable to breathe. His throat felt parched and his mouth felt numb. 

His vision started darkening and he collapsed onto the floor. He saw the Captain move towards him and look down at him with a sneer on his face. 

“You will never succeed.” The King rasped.

The man just laughed wickedly. “Oh poor Archeron.” He moved towards the throne, gazing at the portrait of the King with his three daughters.  The King closed his eyes as he lost the fight within him. 

“I just did.”

----------------------------

An: It’ll probably have about 10 chapters, plus an epilogue.  

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!

Tag list: @devilorfling​ @sleepyyhead21​  @b00kworm​ @s-atanism​ @eloeloeheheh @absolute-dissapointment​ @illyrianwitchling13​

As requested, here is the latest portion of our established relationship fic rec list. This list contains several sequels, which would require you to read the first fic where the relationship isn’t established yet first, but there are also plenty of other fics here that you can read as standalones.

And if you missed them, you can find part one here and part two here of our establish relationship rec lists here. Happy reading!

1) Blue Eyes, Black Jeans, Lighters, Candy | Explicit | 3629 words

Harry is in Madrid and Louis had a hard week.

2) Til You Get What You Want | Explicit | 5119 words

Sometimes Harry is still too big for Louis to take. He wants him anyway.

3) At The End Of My Rope | Mature | 5608 words

The one where they go to Crete and Harry is definitely hiding something.

4) Just Stop Your Crying (It’s a Sign of the Times) | Explicit | 5864 words

My own imagining of the inspiration for Sign of the Times.  Featuring boys in love, even after all this time.

5) I’m Addicted To You | Explicit | 6167 words | Sequel

They don't get to do what Louis wants until a couple of weeks later, after being knee-deep in work and trying to cover everything that has to do with the topic. They agree on everything Louis would like to experiment with, and Harry agrees mostly on everything. It's not extreme per say, but not having to touch Louis during it, it feels a little too extreme for Harry nonetheless.

At first, he had complained about not wanting to do it because to him it felt that the most important thing of their sex life is when they get to touch each other and transmit each electric, thunder-like feeling they perceive in moments like that. Louis, on the other hand, had pouted, exclaiming that sometimes one had to step out of their comfort zone to experience new things. He had promised that in the first moment Harry would feel uncomfortable or lost in what they were doing he would immediately stop.

6) Snow Sweet | Mature | 7111 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

 Christmas On Stylish Apples Orchard, A Slice/Bite of Life.

7) Shackles (I Just Want to Praise You) | Explicit | 7562 words

“I’ll take care of you, Louis,” Harry says. “If that’s what you want.”

Louis almost wants to laugh. Here they are, sitting on the floor in the middle of a shitty film set, dozens of people milling around less than a hundred feet away from them. Louis can hear the director ordering the other production assistants around as the other extras chat nervously amongst themselves. Louis’ fingertips are nearly numb from his arms being stuck in the same position for ages, and yet this is the best he has felt in ages.

“Yeah, I want that,” he breathes. “Want you to take care of me.”

8) Here In The Dark Is Where New Worlds Are Born | Explicit | 7573 words

Harry is a demon and Louis is his eternal mate.

9) Raised on Rhythm and Blues | Explicit | 8034 words

Note: This fic has mentions of BH.

“That look on your face makes me think you’re not cooking me spaghetti fast enough,” Louis announces as he walks back into the kitchen. Harry knows exactly where Zoe gets her habits from.

“Cooking for my two beautiful and insanely intelligent children, not for the weird bloke that sleeps in my bed and eats all my food,” Harry answers, tilting his head and wondering if he should add more sauce.

10) Keep These Memories For Ourselves | Explicit | 9593 words

Harry's a professional photographer and he can never keep his mind off of different ways he can take pictures of Louis. Louis can be a bit camera shy, but Harry finds a way to build up his confidence and get him to relax in front of the lens. Louis discovers just how much the camera loves him.

11) Tattooed Heart | Explicit | 10035 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

“Is that fucking real?”

Harry grins. “Feel for yourself.”

A curious hand comes to trace over Harry’s chest, sighing in awe. “Harry.”

He watches him as he does it and wishes he had a camera on him, because the sight of Louis’ dainty hand caressing the beautiful L written in intricate cursive right over Harry’s heart has to be the single greatest thing he’s ever seen.

“Like it?” he asks.

“Harry,” Louis repeats, suddenly digging his thumb into the skin as if it was going to disappear at any second—it wasn’t, something Harry’s tattoo artist made sure of. “That’s—that’s permanent.”

“You’re permanent,” Harry replies, simple as can be.

12) The Sweat On Your Skin | Explicit | 11014 words

Louis is certain there's no better way to come down from a post-gym high than a naked romp in the bed with his favorite workout partner.

13) Easily | Explicit | 13588 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

Years later, Harry and Louis are as strong as ever and more than ready to take the next step in the story of their lives. It gets a little weird, a little confusing, but at the end of the day, it is as easy as can be.

14) Gay Happy Meetings (When Friends Come To Call) | Mature | 13951 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

"Happy Christmas Eve, BooBear!"

Louis jolted awake to find Niall inches away from his face.

Louis rubbed his groggy eyes and looked around the room. He verified that, yes, he was in fact in Harry's bedroom, where he had been sleeping ninety percent of the time over the past three weeks. So why the fuck was Niall in here?

"I don't understand," Louis grumbled.

Niall shrugged. "It woke you up, didn't it?"

"There are other methods of waking someone up, Niall," Harry said as he walked into the room carrying a tray of food. It smelled like pancakes.

Louis gave a grateful smile and sat up, Harry gently placing the tray of food down in front of Louis. His alpha was the best.

15) The Seed Inside You, Baby, Do You Feel It Growin’ | Explicit | 14796 words

Louis really wants Harry to get him pregnant.

16) Monsters At Home | Explicit | 21566 words

High School!AU. Everyone's eyes are on Harry, the beautiful, charming new student. Harry's only got eyes for the school golden boy: football captain Louis Tomlinson, whose homophobic father complicates matters a bit.

17) Like A Bastard On The Burning Sea | Not Rated | 22181 words

AU: Harry breaks Louis, Louis breaks everything.

18) The Dream That You Wish | Explicit | 23929 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

FBI Special Agent Harry Styles struggles with a case that involves him at a personal level. Louis adjusts to his new life and continues his on-going struggle with his psychic abilities and what they entail.

19) The Pink Album | Not Rated | 31039 words

A love seven years in the making, inspired by Harry's debut album.

20) Eventide Intrigue | Explicit | 40275 words

Perrie casually asks to paint Louis' nails one night when she, Louis, Harry, and Zayn are all hanging out together. Louis is unsure about but finds himself going along with it.

Louis soon realizes he really loves the way the nail polish looks on him. It makes him feel pretty and delicate. He can't stop running his thumbs over the smooth glossy surface of his nails.

But these feeling don't come without a flood of insecurity and anxiety. Harry of course is as supportive as ever, but Louis soon finds himself needing more.

21) Wouldn’t Ever Want Anybody Else | Explicit | 40555 words

Note: The sequel to this fic is #25 on this list.

Louis and Harry’s relationship has fairly recently turned sexual, and Louis’ bodily insecurities get in the way of something that he really wants.  Meanwhile, Zayn and Liam deal with coming out as a couple to the band.

22) Show Me Life Like I've Never Seen | Mature | 42953 words

Louis never expected to leave the small art studio three blocks down from his job with anything besides the painting he caught a glimpse of and simply couldn't forget.

23) Into The Midnight Sun | Explicit | 63253 words

It's 1983, Harry embarks on his first world tour and Louis is a budding actor in LA. Life spent apart isn't easily adjustable, but somehow they make it work.

24) I Only Ever Want You | Explicit | 180079 words

Note: This fic is the second part in a series. The first fic in the series is #23 on this list.

Louis and Harry's relationship goes through a series of changes while Liam and Zayn discover new things about themselves, as well.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

@bunnydelphine Hi Belle. I've written a lot for you. I care about you & I aim to change the entire world. I hope you have the time to read it, or listen to the audio recording as it should make you happy & hopeful, & I need a little support to achieve the goal. Link to hear my voice here:

or carry on reading...

So like, erm, hi....I joined Twitter recently, a vague plan in mind. I conceived a dozen tweets to begin explaining, & then I got carried away. I posted in reverse order so you can read down from here...It is around 15 minutes long

#BelleDelphine

The whole load of them is basically for you Belle, & I hope it can make you smile, & feel good. There is good & bad in the world, & good & bad attention you will receive. This is intended, honed, & perfected, to make you happy, show you your worth to me & the future, & keep you safe as we move forward, & it's just the start...

The extra good part is - I ask nothing from you but the time to read it, & be happy, as your smile is worth more than the universe to me...I'd love nothing more than to know just once I was the cause of it creeping across your face, making you feel warm, & maybe even...blushing..

You're nothing but an absolute treasure, a joy without limit, & the most exquisite heart ache I could ever have wished for or imagined.

So, hello world. It is clear to me that there is too much pain on this planet & for it's denizens. It is just as clear that many innocent folk need change but no one really knows how. No one can begin. But I am a spiritual master & linked to spirits that have shown me a great deal is possible, & I can help guide us all towards a much happier, safer future.

Thing is, I am slightly premature here. Ok so, as stated, I am here to save the future. Obviously, I can't do it alone. It's really all about connections, as you would expect from someone who is working on behalf of the beyond. Life itself is about love, & it isn't about our ego, our personal goals, or desires. I do what I do for all of us. So it follows I can't just do it without some of you helping out in whatever way is possible.

I need money, laughably, in order to kill the finance system. Not as much as you'd guess, but I need a start...We cannot continue to use this invented resource as it is. In a purely mechanical sense it guarantees selfishness & greed end up controlling too much, whilst empathy, kindness & love, end up able to alter too little.

I intend to begin crowdfunding soon to raise startup capital, so a bit of publicity & presence is a big way you can help me easily.

I need advice & knowledge. Building a new way of self sufficient life will take an enormous amount of information & administration. In order to escape the system that dominates us & teaches us to abuse our own nature, we need to be free of restraint & able to produce all we need. Even making a list of all those things is no easy task, but it is quite possible to cover it all, with help.

I need connections.

Sooner or later I will post the plan with more details. But life & the path I walk through it, has it's detours I cannot always predict. I have learned to accept they always happen however, & always for a reason. When you achieve a certain level of connection to the beyond, & behave in natural ways, when your intent is to further the plan for all folk, then events in your life begin to happen just as you need them, synchronous moments that go way beyond coincidence & become miracles. One day I shall publish my journals from the last 7 years, as it shows my progress towards enlightenment, & explains how it is achieved. But this is one of many tasks & for now I have to begin travelling to find who & what I need, to found this community.

Riding the waves of intuition takes something too,

actually, 

I need your love.

My own huge heart does me well for me, no doubting it, yet it will only benefit with more care. 

It has to be real though, & of course everyone thinks they already know what love is,

but almost no one does.

So I may need help teaching everyone what it is.

I can show you, but you have to want to understand & have the courage to rise to it....Love is pretty scary...It isn't ever just about self, & it is the most amazing & transformative force there is.

I need to travel the world to meet people I need to meet, gain the knowledge & resources I need to found a community with a new way of living, turn desert into forest & work with nature to bring us all to greater joy. I will have to find some way to fund this travel too, & with my limitations & illness, the only way I can do it, is to make adult material. This means I need at least one willing partner, so if you aren't interested yourself, well, I am sure you have friends or followers who would be more than happy to help. With just one camgirl or entertainer, I can get the attention of the others. Don't get me wrong, I came to you Belle, because you don't just look nice, but you also move my heart & I was directed to discover you in ways I know from past experience are spirits showing me someone who is good, & also needs my help. But I am ready to accept it may not be what you want, yet I know if there is a good person there which is why I am drawn to you, then you will help in some way, directly or indirectly...

It will be a huge undertaking & will gather immense attention, so it can't hurt anyone's career, & I promise, I am good at what I do. As a shaman & spiritual teacher, sex is quite sacred to me, so you can be sure I can make it beneficial to my partner(s) & exciting & appealing to the audience. Done right, with enough courage to connect fully, it will bring whoever I am with a previously unknown level of calm, contentment, happiness & even mystical revelation. Of course, I will have plenty of people say I only do it for myself, but they're wrong, I was never one to seek casual interactions, it will be something new for me, but I do it because it is necessary & right.

Indeed, sex work is an essential part of modern life. It provides a valuable service to society, & receives too much criticism. The truth is that sex is divine & can be used to generate massive amounts of magical energy, & I honestly think the best thing for us all is to appreciate this. These are beautiful, amazing, special people. So many use their services. Yet they receive so much derision & scorn, & despite a reasonable wage, a lot of negative energy too, which can be harmful. So I want them to help me or work with me & prove to all just how special they can truly be, & thus I can help protect them.

So hey, that's the basics, good enough for now. I'll check in from time to time for dm's & responses here, & I'll be back one day to really kick this fucker off. I have to start getting a following by following others.

But so far I am following one account, which makes me look.... conspicuous? ....erm...yeah, I'm not saying anything about that for now...

The pinnacle of beauty itself can awaken us to the deepest & noblest of all loves.

It is actually quite common to be willing to die for someone you love, especially for men, (in extreme contrast to their also killing more of course.)

But something else entirely to be prepared to live, face all fears, conquer all obstacles & do what must be done.

Love alone can do this. Love alone can mean the person I was - is already dead & gone, & so now I can live to the fullest to provide the very best example of love I can. 

Love, 

true love, 

is a loss of self.

A death in a way.  

It is also a common wish to acquire a home for someone you love.

Again, knowing love deeper than most, it is quite another to recognize it is your sacred duty, to fix the entire messed up planet for those you love

& call it all,

home.

Safe, comforting, warm, & full of love.

If your love is true, then those you love deserve nothing less.

We all need it.

I find it so much easier to fight for it, for something I find such beauty in, because I recognize my heart & soul must be as pure & vibrant as I can make them, to be worthy of a beauty I find so truly

mind blowing

It is a duty, 

a chore, 

a sacrifice & more, 

to try to be worthy of what you find to be the highest point of love, inspired by something so beautiful, it takes your breath away

& kills you...

& to recognize that this true love means accepting that, 

unconditionally, 

I ask for nothing back that isn't in anyone to give.

Maybe one day it will be right to ask, 

"have you seen my heart & soul? They're unparalleled, because the love I felt looking at you is unparalleled, the beauty you possess has no equal, & so inspires me, demands of me to make my heart & soul as equally beautiful & unparalleled."

I cannot change my age,

or whether you like my physical properties much.

If you cannot love my heart & soul, then perhaps I cannot love you forever, as much as I desired... & I will suffer as I watch you suffer, for rejecting that purity which asks for nothing.

I am adored by the good in the beyond, so being unable to appreciate the good in my intangible properties would be nothing short of a curse.

If you simply cannot love my body, my more tangible properties, yet can love my heart,

well, that's ok, I would be happy my thoughts & deeds meant I could still wake up everyday 

& see 

your beautiful face,

& I'd be able to say, "I did this for you, & I have all I need. To bask in your presence, the warmth your images bring to me, is the most sublime peace & bliss I have ever known."

It is a chaotic whirlwind in my mind, I wont deny it,

yet always so controlled, & I know a mental peace I never thought I would, as a scared, anxious child.

Indeed nothing in life is wrong 

unless it is uncontrolled.

Thanks to you, my love, I can use the will & love I have to wipe out that which plagues humanity, & bring healing to so many.

The highest point to reach is truest purest love. For there is the inspiration to become gods, work wonders, & be the best thing you can be.

So. Not so conspicuous now. Let's make this super clear...

Mary-Belle Kirschner,

I love you with everything I have.

I want to make the world utterly safe for you, 

so you can be free to be whoever you wish to be

& love every possible moment living in it.

I have never in my life found anyone to be so alluring, inspiring, amazing, or motivating & you occupy my thoughts constantly. I do not ask you to do anything except be aware of this care, & accept I do this because you are so wonderful to me, & reach out now, like this, so you know you're worth the world.

I just want you to know how by being who & what you are, you are so special to me, that I can become what is needed to keep you that way.  This is all I need to keep me fueled to face the immense challenge it will be. I am here to save the future from the selfish inconsiderate apathy of most, & the deliberate control of an evil few, & I can do so because you are one of the few things I can say makes life truly worth living. 

Just seeing your smile shatters my heart into a billion pieces, & nothing matters more to me than making sure you are aware of how valuable I find you, so you can stay happy.

My reward is that from now on I get to see every part of you & your journey that you choose to share with me.

My reward is knowing you will not only be there for me to visually enjoy (& melt into bliss each time, 

oh how I wish I had words to help you feel how wonderful you make me feel just looking at you,)

My reward is knowing I've done the right thing,

but also knowing that you know, that simply by being, you made my world shine so brightly, that I achieved something wonderful,

maybe just like every hero you ever dreamed of

saving the future

& the princess?

& I can ask for nothing more than to be allowed to share whatever you desire to allow me to share.

To know you are free to be yourself, I can know unending utter rapture in admiring it

& I wont forget the understanding it brings that

I exist,

to love,

I exist,

to reduce pain & create greater joy,

& I brought it to you as best as any man ever could

with devotion unmatched

& asked for nothing but recognition & thanks.

I can not be a better role model for other people.

I cannot be a better lover & healer to the world.

I cannot be more than ultimate love!

& if you cannot love in return, well it would hurt you, 

so I'd find some way to make sure. Being the true will I am, means the true anyone else WOULD love me, so it would just come down to repairing any damage the world has already done to you.

Undoing anything that has taken you away from your true nature.

But I'd never ask for that love to give me anything it doesn't want to.

Love means your will is yours, not mine to coerce or demand or dominate...

Could it be the love story you were waiting for? 

Could it be you wish to save the future with me? 

Could it make the world weep & push things in place for everyone better than trying to scurry & hide like illegal aliens?

Whatever you answer, it can only gain momentum to aid my goal, & bring you to happiness. The love I have for you, however you receive it, can be used to make the world weep, & in so doing, wash away much sadness, & let happiness spring fresh once more in the sunshine.

Come. If you will, in spirit, take my hand.

For I am Apollo made flesh, since I merged with him in prayer in 2018.

My tarot told me you are my Pythia, I mean my first reading about you showed me that card & I then realized - that's why you picked that name, isn't it? You have that bust & Delphi is rather similar to Delphine...So, you are my oracle then? We should certainly meet if that's the case!

I already went to the Labyrinth as a child. I also swam in the pool near Pamukkale, not far from a temple to Apollo. Those are just a few of many more salient points. There is no doubt here, I know who I am & what I experienced.

Belle, I am a guide, a teacher, a healer, a lover, & I can be with anyone & help them in many ways. I am able to love all people, literally, all, but there are some I am drawn to with such intensity. My own desire is strong for you, without doubt, but I do not pursue anything for merely my own gain. You are truly so special to me, I am reiterating I ask only that you find your true heart & be who you wish to be, but I am sure that you are a wonderful person & would want to help make the world better for us all. I'm sure you can find a bit of time to interact with me here, & this alone would aid me immensely.

The kind of love I have, I sacrificed much to be able to give, & it is here to help us all, it cannot harm you

nor ask for more than you are prepared to give.

I'd do anything you asked,

as long as it wasn't evil,

but I'll never ask anything from you besides considering my advice,

as it's rooted in placing your needs before my own,

in agapic sacrifice of self,

to bring you anything you could ask for to know joy in life

However - you should always ultimately make your own choices, & not bend to others desire unless it is also your own.

You said you were lost....well, I have found you!

You asked to be adopted...I wont ever let you go unless you want me to...consider yourself adopted...

I'm also a really decent cook, & you need to eat better!!

Mary-Belle, you are truly amazing, wonderful, & beyond compare. Loving you these last few weeks since I discovered your existence, has been the most awesome & humbling series of miracles & unimaginable happiness for me.

I want you to know that & to feel it too.

It is beautiful, how you make me feel. Nothing compares. Nothing comes close. I wish you could let me help you feel it too.

Notice me senpai? I bloody noticed you! I hope you notice me back.

I said at the start, I'd need help saving the future, help teaching everyone what love is

Belle, even if you don't want to be with me, I hope you can interact with me & appreciate this devotion. For the world can benefit, as can you, whether you come to me, or on me, or not...

It would certainly help shut up those moronic critics inspired to spiteful jealousy by your magnificent gorgeousness. Folk who go through life criticizing others, do so because they have so little to offer anyone, & it is all they can do. I want to help you show them just how much you can do & make their lack so apparent they finally grow up. It all aids the future, the development of every person we can.

Regardless, I hope it makes you feel good, to mean so much to someone, who is one of the best people there is.

I'm sure that could sound arrogant, but you will find out if you simply give me time...

I wish you a really lovely day

my love & blessings,

always

muah...

All My Broken Pieces (You Found Them, Glued Them, Made Them Whole)

Relationships: Rhodey & Tony, Pepper / Tony, Peter & Tony, Tony & Touch

FF.net I ao3

Tony had always craved touch.

When he was a toddler, the only way for Maria and Jarvis to calm him down or get him to sleep was always through touch.

Maria would hug him and sing him a lullaby, lips so close to his ear that he felt her warm breath on his skin and only then, when he was certain that his mother was there with him, would he relent and close his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.

Jarvis would calm the body shaking sobs and soul splitting screams he tried to bury in his pillow by running a warm hand up and down his spine, whispering soothing words that Tony never really picked up on.

It was always the touch of a person he trusted that kept him from falling apart any further. It was the touch that was his crutch when he couldn’t stand back up on his own. Touch was the glue that held all of his broken pieces together even when he himself had given up on repairing the damage because it seemed futile.

When he meets Rhodey he has long since come to accept that needing someone else’s touch is a weakness. A weakness that he can’t afford if he wants to make his father proud.

Stark men are made of iron.

It’s etched into his heart, the incision aching with every beat, and he feels his father’s word in his lungs with every breath he takes. Like acid the words dissolve him from the inside, battling the very core of who he is – was.

He’s 15 and he’s by far the youngest student on the MIT campus.

Everything and everyone around him feels so much bigger than he is, than what he feels like, but he’s used to feeling small and worthless so he squares his shoulders and he puts on the persona that has gotten him through his one dreadful year of high school. He’s smart, he’s sassy and he doesn’t mince his words. He lets everyone know exactly who he is.

It doesn’t take him more than two weeks to troop together a group of people who love hanging out with Howard Stark’s son. (It just happens to be Tony, he knows that.)

It takes him three parties to get his reputation as a player. (Because sex, he was taught, is the only physical connection that is about control not weakness and he can’t shut down the last pathetic part of him that still craves human contact.)

James Rhodes is not a player. He shows up to some parties, he socializes easily and is an all-around all-liked person. He speaks his mind but he does so in a polite way, inviting discussion and discourse as long as it’s on-topic und respectful. He doesn’t let frustration and anger cloud his judgement. He’s resilient in his work and his intelligence is quiet and steady.

In short, he’s everything Tony is not and normally their paths would never have crossed.

Maybe it’s fate that decides that they should meet. Maybe it’s just dumb luck. Whatever it is, Tony is grateful they do.

When they do, Tony is running on four hours of sleep in just as many days and he’s shaking like a leaf. His hands are trying to connect the last few wires on his robot but they’re too jittery to perform the delicate action and he ends up electrocuting himself. Just for a moment, though, and no one else in the big lab seems to notice so he just keeps going like he always does.

That is until a heavy hand settles on his shoulder, making him flinch so hard he drops both the unfinished robot and his tools. Every little fiber in him is screaming alarm. Sudden touches can only ever mean pain and he is too tired to deal with any more of that right now, too hollow to put up his mask.

Somehow he manages to keep himself from yelping but when he turns and his eyes land on the other boy who’s standing way too close for comfort, his fear morphs into anger. (Anger, Howard taught him, demands respect and installs fear in his opponent.)

“What the actual fuck?” he exclaims. What started as a deep manly curse ends in a high-pitched screech, informing the other kid of just how young he actually is. Tony fucking hates puberty.

“Sorry.” The other boy backs up immediately, brown eyes open and free of any trace of malice.

It doesn’t mean it isn’t there, just means he hides it well, Tony thinks.

“I didn’t mean to startle you. Just wanted to let you know that they’re closing up the labs in about twenty minutes.”

Tony nods and he thinks, hopes, that this is it. That the other boy just came to tell him that and that he is going to leave now. But these eyes – they stare right into his soul and it makes him feel lacking because he knows what they’ll find, he knows what everyone has always found so far. No one has stayed after all.

“What are you working on?” the older boy asks. He seems truly interested and it’s confusing Tony. No one is ever interested in what he’s doing. Not really anyway.

He frowns. “What? So you can make fun of me?” And damn it if this doesn’t sound absolutely pathetic.

“No, of course not.” The boy seems honestly insulted at the accusation. (Good, maybe he’ll leave before he can hurt him.) “It just looks really cool. Is that a robot?”

Tony shrugs, giving up on trying to get him to leave in favor of trying to finish his work before the lab closes. “He’s supposed to be one.” For some reason the extra set of eyes makes him move more carefully and, without any more incidents, he manages to finish connecting all the wires.

He waits. Something is supposed to happen. Or has he messed this up, too? Is he really not capable of doing anything right at all?

Suddenly the machine makes a sad beep-boop, moving its claw once, twice, three times before it short circuits and dies down with a gurgling noise.

Pathetic.

And Tony? He’s this close to a mental breakdown and he knows he can’t succumb to it here because no one is allowed to see Howard Stark’s son cry. Least of all an older guy from MIT, smart and on the lower range of popular, who’s going to tell everyone about how much of a scalawag he is.

Stark men are made of iron.

But Tony isn’t.

His body is shaking with sleep-deprivation, too much caffeine and shame when he picks up the useless robot that he has already internally labeled Dum-E. He hoped that Dum-E would show his father that even dummies like him can be useful sometimes but it seems like his old man was right. Like he always is. Tony truly is good for nothing.

A dummy who builds dummies who aren’t good for anything either.

“That was pretty impressive,” the other boy interrupts his inner monologue and Tony fails to find the sarcasm in his voice but maybe he just can’t even read people anymore, so he glares at him. He doesn’t seem to care about it too much, though, and reaches out to inspect the inner workings of the robot with gentle, steady hands.

His arm is resting lightly against Tony’s and he doesn’t dare to move, mind hyper-focused on the contact. The stranger is warm and soft and real and Tony’s heart aches suddenly with how much he misses his mother’s hugs. So he doesn’t pull away and tries to shift his focus a little until he can tune into what’s apparently a conversation now.

“I think if you took a little time to actually sleep this could end up being really useful,” he tells him with a small smile, “I’m actually working on an assignment about the most basic form of artificial intelligence. What do you say? We could put your heads together over lunch tomorrow?”

Tony is too stunned at how nice he is being treated to tell him to go fuck himself so he simply nods. The other boy grins, seemingly happy about their date.

“Great, then tomorrow at Dan’s Diner around noon? My treat.”

“You do know I’m Tony Stark, right?” He frowns then at the weirdly likeable boy who’s clad in a loosely fitting t-shirt that has seen better days and worn shoes that are distinctly lacking any real sole at this point and who’s offering to pay for his meal.

The boy cocks an eyebrow and shrugs. “And I’m James,” he tells him matter-of-factly, “James Rhodes, not Bond.”

“That’s a boring name,” he can’t stop himself from saying, cringing inwardly at his own bluntness, even as he shakes the extended hand. “There’s no cool nickname for James. I’ll call you Rhodey.”

He rolls his eyes but they seem to twinkle at the nickname and his voice is pleasantly teasing when he answers. “Whatever you say, Tones.”

Maybe it’s the sleep-deprivation or the looming of despair at yet another failed project. Maybe it’s because that’s the first casual conversation he’s had in weeks and he’s been longing for another person to talk to. Or maybe it’s because for some inexplicable reason James Rhodes’ company makes him feel safe.

But for the first time since leaving Jarvis and his mother behind he laughs, a deep-belly laugh that shakes his whole body up and that warms his chest with something other than dreed.

They end up working on Dum-E for a little over two weeks and when they’re finally finished he can’t talk but he’s capable of understanding basic voice commands and even answers in beep-boop’s that seem to convey emotions such as sadness, cheerfulness and anger. (Or maybe they’re imagining that. They have barely slept in days.)

The best thing about getting his robot to work isn’t the fact that they prove Dum-E to be actually useful but the way Rhodey becomes the first person in a long time he feels truly comfortable with.

Rhodey, ever so perceptive, figures out Tony’s bivalent relationship with touches in a matter of days and he’s always careful not to crowd him, backing off when Tony needs it, but there when a gentle touch is all he needs to not fall apart.

After finishing Dum-E his new friend leans forward carefully, holding his gaze as if asking for permission, before he engulfs him in a tight hug. And Tony realizes, as he lets himself rest against the older boy’s chest and relaxes in his friend’s arms that this is one of the most peaceful moments in his life. It gives him hope for the future that, for once, has nothing to do with being the heir of Stark Industries.

And he vows to himself that he won’t ever give up on Dum-E just like Rhodey, for some indiscernible reason, never gave up on him.

.

“Tony! Stop for a second, please!”

Her raised voice catches him off guard even though it shouldn’t have. He has seen this coming, has prepared for it. Still, when he lowers the spatula his entire body has gone rigid and it’s all he can do to stare at the sizzling pieces of bacon in the pan. The sound feels weirdly out of place in the otherwise quiet room and he can only watch them in crude fascination, certain that in a couple of minutes they’d be burned and he’d have to throw them away but not moving to change the setting on the stove.

It’s like waiting for a train wreck you know is going to happen. It’s an apt description of his life, he figures.

Pepper’s voice is soft again and he feels more than hears her step closer to the kitchen counter he’s hiding behind. He can picture the way her long hair falls over her shoulders in artistic waves and he knows that there is a frown on her forehead, a tiny wrinkle sitting right between her eyebrows. He knows the look in her eyes, the blue eyes that are deeper than the ocean, similarly infinite and so much more beautiful.

“Can you turn around for me?” she asks, gently and probing but not demanding. Leave it to Pepper, the most demanding woman he has ever met, to be the first to let him decide whether to look at her or not.

He’s sure she knows how much he hates being yelled at and he can’t help but feel thankful for her thoughtfulness. It makes it a little easier for him to release the death grip is hand has on the wooden spatula. Olive wood, he thinks absentmindedly, his mother always liked the olive wood spatulas, said they reminded her of home.

His skin is still crawling with barely veiled anxiety but he manages to breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

He finds the tiny remains of his shattered masks somewhere deep inside him and it’s enough to make him shake his head.

“Nope. Don’t think I can,” he says, voice light and cheerful and oh-so-fake. “Gotta watch that bacon before I burn down the house again, right? You told me yourself that that’s not a very responsible thing to do and I –“

Suddenly her hand comes into focus, delicate fingers turning down the stove before settling on the countertop.  

Again, her voice is so sweet that it runs down his back like honey. It’s warm and a little sad and it makes his anxiety spike. His heart is thumping so loudly in his chest, he’s sure she hears it too because she sighs very quietly and then her hand is gone from his sight and he thought he would feel better but he doesn’t. He feels worse. As if she’s already gone.

“Pep –“ he all but whispers because he doesn’t know what else to say, how else to explain the fact that he slipped out of bed and left her all on her own after they spent the night together.

Oh god. They spent the night together. They –

When her voice comes back it’s accompanied by a feather-light touch on his wrist. No force, just a question.

“Tony,” she starts and he squeezes his eyes shut because he doesn’t want to hear it, can’t stomach listening to it but also can’t stop himself wanting more of that angle-like voice. “Why won’t you look at me?”

He feels her slender fingers run over his palm and toy with his. Hers are warm and soft where his are cold and calloused. They make a good pair, he thinks, and before he can stop himself he intertwines his fingers with hers and pulls her marginally closer.

“Because,” he whispers, raising their joined hands to his lips to press a kiss to the back of hers, “Because then you’d see me and you’d find that I’m lacking and I’d just rather not do that today.” Or any day, really.

“I’ve already seen you,” she answers and he can hear the smile in her voice, would love to see it on her lips but is too scared to move.

Tony shakes his head but doesn’t release her hand. As if he could make her stay if he just held on tightly enough. “Not like this, you haven’t.”

He’s not sure anyone has ever seen him like this. Hell, he’s not even sure he’s ever been like this – all butterflies-in-stomach and sweaty palms.

It’s love, he thinks. But he’s not sure because he’s never felt it before, doesn’t know how it’s supposed to feel like and if people like him even get to experience something so sacred. If he had to describe it, though, he’d say he’s in love. It’s the scariest thing he has ever felt in his life.

It’s scarier than terrorists in a cave, scarier than falling to his death and scarier, even, than his old man’s raised voice and the smell of whiskey hanging in the air.

“Yes, I have,” she replies easily, in the no-nonsense voice that only Pepper Potts can ever really pull off, and tugs on his hand. “Look at me, please. I promise I won’t run.”

Those were the exact words he has wanted to hear, still he can’t help but question their sincerity. After all, who did stick around after seeing him? Only Rhodey so far. And Pepper but –

He turns around and meets her eyes and she just holds his gaze.

The first thing he notices is the sleepy sand in the corner of her eyes. Dried rheum – a combination of mucin, dust, blood cells and skin cells – entirely gross if it would be anyone else but this is Pepper and he marvels at the sight.

She has never been this raw in his company and he wants to cherish it and tell her how beautiful she looks without make-up on. He wants to tell her about the sun light reflecting in her eyes and how her freckles are like a treasure map. He doesn’t say any of that, though.

They just look at each other.

It’s Pepper who moves first. (Of course she is. That woman is fearless and he’s a mess.)

Very gently she pulls her hand out of his grasp and takes a step closer before he can complain about the loss of warmth. She raises her hands, telegraphing every movement as if she knows that he flinches when someone raises their hand too suddenly (she probably does), and settles them on his cheeks.

He leans into the comfort she’s providing with her thumbs rubbing circles into his skin. He lets himself relish in the warmth her touch is offering and his free hand settles on her hip, just a few centimeters over the hem of his shirt that she’s wearing.

“I’m a mess,” he tells her, eyes closed and she is so close he feels her body vibrate with soft chuckles and her hot breath is tickling his chin.

“I know,” she answers and without having to look he knows that she’s grinning up at him in a way that makes the dimples on her cheek stand out. “But I’ve known that before.”

“I’m going to mess up. I’m not good at – this.” He’s not sure why he is trying to make her turn away but he knows that he has to be open if this can have any chance of working out. God, he wants it to work out so badly.

Her reply is instant and makes his eyes fly open. “Well, then you apologize and work on making it better the next time around. You’ll improve. We both will. It’s what people do in a relationship.”

Again she meets his gaze warmly and without hesitation, a smile curving her lips upwards just the tiniest bit.

It’s in that moment that his love for her overwhelms him. It comes crashing down like a wave of adoration and appreciation and devotion and for a second he’s stumbling until he regains his balance and matches her smile with his.

“I wouldn’t know what people do in a relationship, Ms. Potts.” He grins down at her cheekily and a weight falls off his chest when she starts laughing loudly.

“Believe me, I know,” she smirks and leans up to press a lingering kiss to his lips, “But I think I’m up to the challenge, Mr. Stark.”

Her hands are still resting on his face and it feels like they have always been there, as if this is supposed to be. As if they were meant to be.

It takes them a lot of effort and ups and downs but Pepper’s touch slowly glues all his broken pieces back together, blowing kisses to the faint scars that remain.

.  

When he hears the blood rushing in his ears and feels his heart beat violently in his chest out of nowhere, he stops mid-movement. Screwdriver in hand with his body bent over the wiring of the suit he’s working on he tries to take a deep breath just to see if he can.

It works surprisingly well but the sensation of his body shaking with every beat of his heart - like it’s a wrecking ball not a pump - is still there and while it’s nothing entirely new he really doesn’t enjoy the feeling of his ribcage threatening to tear open with every thump of the vital organ.

Quietly he sets down the tool and moves his right hand to rest over his sternum, right above the scar where his arc reactor used to sit. The feeling of skin on skin and the light pressure he puts on his thorax help ground him only marginally and his stupid heartrate is hell bent on accelerating no matter how evenly he breathes which is just annoying.

His left hand comes up, fingers routinely grabbing his radial pulse point as he tries to will his heart to slow down. The moves have become instinctually over the years. Having had shrapnel mere millimeters from one of the few things he quite literally can’t live without has made him hyperaware of everything that might be going wonky in his chest.

It’s that hyper-fixation that makes even the smallest palpitation seem like a coronary, complete with mortal agony and phantom pain spreading into his left arm until his pinky starts cramping.  

Three counts in, five counts out.

He coaches himself to breathe evenly. The chances of this actually being a heart attack are slim to none. His doctor had him checked out just three days ago. As the doc would say: his fear is understandable but unnecessary. It’s fine. Just a random spike of anxiety that doesn’t mean anything.

Three in. Five out.

One, Two, Three.

One, Two, Three, Four, Five.

Again.

“Mister Stark? Are you okay?”                          

“Huh?” he opens his eyes all at once to see Peter standing next to his work station, a tube of something in his hand, worrying at his bottom lip as he watches Tony cling to his own chest.

Upon seeing the big brown eyes that peep out under the messy shock of curls he feels warmth spread through his chest like a wildfire. It’s almost unpleasantly fast but it leaves a field of peace in its wake which is doing more in calming his racing heart than any breathing exercise he’s tried so far. There’s something undeniably powerful about this kid’s presence to ground him to reality.

“Yeah,” he says and when the words leave his mouth they’re barely a lie anymore but they have a pact where they don’t lie at all, so he tags on, “Just my heart running riot for no apparent reason. Don’t worry about it. What were you working on? Is that Chemistry project going well? Do you need help?”

As has become the norm in moments like these, Peter completely ignores his attempts to change the topic and cocks his head to the side in a mix of worry, amusement and plain adoration as he gingerly takes a seat on the swivel chair next to his mentor.

God. His love for this kid is making his heart clench painfully. He’s never really experienced this kind of unconditional love before and some days it feels like his body hasn’t been made with emotions like that in mind. They’re burning too hot when he’s freezing, leaving him reeling and unsure of where to turn.

“Did you take your meds?” He turns on the chair until his left thigh is resting against Tony’s right knee and the petite touch is incredibly welcome, almost disturbingly calming.

He makes a face because he doesn’t like talking about his mental health and everything that’s wrong with it but he relents with a soft sigh and a shake of his head. “Nope. Doc said we could taper off them as long as I keep seeing her and nothing new comes up. But it’s fine, Pete. I promise. Just not all that comfortable, that’s it.”

When Peter only pouts but doesn’t argue any further, he eases his hands down from his own chest and rests them on the kid’s shoulders instead, preening inwardly when the boy meets his gaze openly without further prodding.

“I’m not going to die in the next couple hours. I promise.”

The teenager relaxes then, huffing and leaning forward to rest his forehead on his mentor’s shoulder and like clockwork calloused fingers find the tense spots on his neck and start kneading it gently. “I just – worry. I’m sorry.”

“Tell you what,” Tony grins, standing up and pulling the kid with him, “Let’s call it a day down here and catch a movie until Pep gets home for dinner, whataya say?”

“Can we just listen to music?”

“Sure we can, bud.”

They end up listening to one of the few recorded pieces of Guido Agosti, an Italian pianist that taught his mom to play when she was young and it brings him back to a time when touch was not yet forbidden. A time when Maria Stark would sing him to sleep and he stayed up well past his bed-time only to listen to her play.

Sometimes they would listen to recordings together, from her priced possession of vinyl and those are some of the few moments of his childhood that he still revisits frequently and joyfully albeit with a heavy heart.

It’s not that all that different now.

Peter’s ear is resting right above his heart, his breathing coming out in soft even puffs of warm air against Tony’s collarbone. He’s curled up into him, fitting into Tony’s embrace like he was meant to end up here. Like this has been life’s grand goal all along and if that’s true then Tony can’t even be mad at everything that’s happened so far.

His fingers run through the mess of curls ever so gently, working on the numerous knots with a proficiency that has come with hours and hours of practice.

The kid’s already starting to nod off to the quiet calming sounds of his mother’s childhood hero and he pulls him impossibly closer, index and middle finger coming to rest over the soft thump of his temporal pulse point.

 Peter Parker came into his life when he was lost, only held together by Rhodey and Pepper but always dangerously close to falling apart. He thought there was no more room in his heart. That there was no way someone could get past the barriers he’s built over the years and, honestly, he didn’t think there was any need to.

Somehow, and without meaning to, Peter has barreled past all of them and quietly but firmly made room between all the scars and the betrayal and the fear. He settled down between all the pieces, build himself a shelter and, simultaneously, filled an aching hole in Tony’s chest that he hadn’t even realized was there.

Tony leans over to pull a blanket on top of both of them, smiling into Peter’s hair when he nestles closer and lets out a soft snore. Before he drifts off to sleep, heart beating strong and steady and normally in his chest, he presses a kiss to his temple.

“I love you, Petey. Never change. Not like I did.”

3 A.M.

RELAX.

____

"The Red House-Late Night Love."

•••••

"So, are you going to finally tell Rich how you feel?" Kiana asked once Jasmine pulled into the massive driveway where multiple cars were already parked. Just from the flashiness alone, anyone could tell which cars belong to who. The Moore family were infamously known for their wealth, living in the biggest mansion on the whole street.

"Honestly, I thought about it but you know he only seems to have eyes for Tonya. I mean you've seen the way he looks at her." Jasmine mumbled lowly, cutting the engine to her jeep. By now the snow has stopped falling, leaving the roads sleek. 

Kiana glanced at her, giving her a sad smile. She knew how much Jazz liked Rich, the crush for him going all the way back to their freshman year of college. In the beginning, Kiana was hesitant towards him, judging him because of his wealth. Like most, she assumed he was another spoiled rich brat that felt entitled to everything but he, of course, he proved her wrong.

While he was a bit too cocky for Kiana's liking, he always treated everyone around them in a respectable manner. It was his mannerisms that really made her accept him in the end.

"But do you see the way he looks at you though Jazz?" Kiana didn't know whether she was oblivious or simply ignored Rich's googly eyes, and long stares whenever he was around her. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that he had some type of feelings for her.

Jasmine chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief. "I doubt he sees me in that way. If he does, why not just make his move already?" She protested, pulling down the visor to check her make up one last time. 

"Probably because he isn't a mind reader." Kiana sassed back, knowing Jazz only said that as an excuse. 

Waving her off, Jasmine gathered her things, silently telling Kiana that the conversation was over with. Zipping up her jacket she pocketed her keys and exited the jeep only to pause to look at Kiana who still had her seatbelt on. "Are you coming or not?" She asked with an irritated laced tone.

Smiling at her friend playfully, Kiana unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped out as the freezing temperature smacked her in the face. She followed behind Jazz who led the way up the few steps, stopping in front of two huge double glass doors. No matter the number of times Kiana has been here, she still can't get over how magnificent this house was.

It only took a few seconds for someone to answer, that person being Rich of course. "You two always manage to be the last ones to show up to our little gatherings." He joked, pulling them both in for a quick hug. Stepping aside, he let them in and locked the door behind them. 

"Y'all at least saved some food though right?" Kiana asked, rubbing her empty stomach. She wasn't joking at that being the only reason she came here.

Rich laughed, throwing his arm over Jasmine's shoulder who went stiff for a second from his surprised gesture. "You know I got you, even ordered those finger sandwiches you like so much." His smile was bright and contagious as she grinned at him and turned straight towards the kitchen area only to be snatched back by Jasmine.

Kiana gave her a "what" look. "We have to say hi to our friends first." She insisted, trying her best to seem relaxed in the arms of the man she wanted to call her own. Kiana rolled her eyes but agreed as the three made their way towards the living room area where everyone was waiting, talking amongst themselves. The smell of marijuana hit her nose immediately, making her scrunch up her face at the smell.

Her eyes began to scan the many faces, recognizing a few from campus only to abruptly stop when she landed on him. The hairs on the back of her neck seemed to stand as she became stuck in place, eyeing the same guy from the coffee shop earlier. He stood in a small group of people drinking from a red plastic cup while occasionally nodding his head to whatever was being said. She appreciated how handsome he looked in his black button up cargo jacket with a grey knit sweater underneath and a pair of dark wash skinny jeans finished off with boots on his feet.

".....ana?!" Jumping slightly at the voice in her right ear, she tore her gaze from the mystery man and saw Jazz giving her a curious look with a small pout on her plump lips.

"Yeah?" Being so caught up in her blunt fixation of a stranger, she completely forgot about the couple standing next to her.

Jazz shook her head wondering where mind went to in the last 30 seconds of calling her name. "I said Rich wants to discuss something with me privately, will you be good on your own for a while?" She asked with a hint of attitude in her voice making Kiana roll her eyes internally.

Will she be fine on her own, the fuck she thought she was, five? "Yeah, I was thinking of relaxing in the hot tub for a while before all the fun begins anyways." She answered putting emphasize on the word fun, hoping they would catch her drift. The last thing she wanted to be was in the heated water with a bunch of drunken and hormonal adults being too touchy for her liking.

"Cool, just go through those double doors and straight down the pathway you'll find the hot tub," Rich instructed, pointing towards the right direction. Without another word, Kiana nodded her head and walked off towards that direction, needing to get some fresh air and away from Jazz's mood swings.

Her body shivered as she walked the small pathway, spotting the large gazebo-like structure where the clearly customized hot tube sat underneath it. She could only imagine how much Rich's parents spent on the beautifully and conveniently designed space. Stepping inside, she looked over the huge space taking in the dark blue cushioned couch in the corner and the average sized fridge next to it. The hot tub itself looked as though it could fit about a good 15 plus people in it comfortably and much to her liking was currently empty.

Stripping out of her clothes to reveal a white lace-up halter style one piece, she placed her things on the couch neatly, tucking her phone in the middle for safe keeping. Adjusting the temperature to her liking, she slowly stepped into the hot water that instantly warmed up her cold skin.

It was quiet for the most part, the faint sound of music coming from the house could be heard as Kiana relaxed against one of the jets. Her mind wandered to Jasmine, hoping that Rich will finally man up and tell her how he feels. She didn't know how much of her friend's catty ways she could take. If she didn't know any better, she would assume that Jazz was dick deprived which would explain her bipolar ways.

Yeah, that had to be it.

Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back becoming completely clueless to the other presence inside of the gazebo. She didn't realize that someone else was there until she heard the sound of them moving in the hot tub. Opening one eye her breath hitched when it landed on the mystery man who sat directly across from her, resting his arms on top of the tub. He had his attention on the skylights that gave a perfect view of the night's sky.

Why was he so fine? She thought to herself, watching him as if he was some form of art at an exhibit which to her, he might as well be. His face was so perfect.

"You have a thing for staring don't you?" Kiana raised an eyebrow, surprised that he even noticed but then again she was sure he could feel her weird ass bluntly staring a hole into his face. 

"Huh?" She mumbled, avoiding his gaze, pretending like she had no clue what he was talking about. This wasn't like her at all. Yes, she's eyed men she found attractive but never has she ever looked at one the way she has him. 

It was quiet between the two as he stared at her, making her feel kind of uneasy. His face literally held no type of emotion and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. 

"Still not sleeping well?" He questioned, making the observation from the light but visible bags under her eyes. 

Kiana raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Do I know you?" What did he mean by still? 

"Something like that." He answered casually, his gaze never leaving her own. The fact that she couldn't read him put her on edge but her curiosity of who he was to her sparked her interest even more. 

She shook her head slightly. "Nah, I'm sure I'd remember a face like yours." He did seem familiar to her but even so, she just could not place him.

"People change but none of that matters right now." He stated, moving closer to her side of the hot tub. She followed his movements until he stood in front of her, causing her to look up at his towering figure. "I could help you." He offered, rubbing a wet thumb over her bottom lip.

"Help with what?" She asked confusedly, liking his touch a little too much.

"Relax." He revealed, grabbing ahold of her hips to pick her up and sitting her on top of the hot tub. His movements were quick, catching her off guard completely. She moved to push him away but he deflected her hands easily. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"I don't even know you." She shot back, not knowing or understanding his motives. 

He rolled his eyes. "We've already established that you do Kiana." She watched his hands slowly slide up her thighs, squeezing the thick flesh. He watched her closely as her pupils dilated by his simple movements. Ever since he came back from Korea, Tae had one thing on his mind and that was her. Although originally here for business, he refused to pass up the opportunity to see how much she has grown with his own eyes. The pictures he receives did little justice to seeing her up close.

It has been almost eleven years since they last saw each other and as expected she had no clue who was. Which for her sake was a good thing.

She went to ask him another question but he quickly shut that down. "What I want to hear from you is not talking, now let me help you relax." Leaving no room for debate, she silently nodded her head, (stupidly) allowing him to do what he pleased. 

Without another word, Tae leaned in and attached his lips to her neck sucking her skin harshly. Kiana hissed out a low groan, loving the mixture of pain and pleasure. He made sure that his mark was left on her for the world to see that she belonged to someone. The flick of his tongue over her heated flesh sent tingles up her spine causing her hands to grab ahold of his shoulders, pulling him closer. 

He stood between her legs, lightly tugging on the ends of her hair. "If I had known I'd get you this easy, I would have shown up a long time ago." His deep voice rasped near her ear, tugging on her earlobe. Maybe it was her wild attraction towards him or the fact that he seemed so familiar she let his words go. There was something off about him but at the moment she could care less.

Her eyes closed once his fingers brushed up against her covered heat. Moving it to the side, he slid his finger over her slit, smiling against her neck at how wet she became in so little time. Kiana moaned out as he played with her clit, moving her hips to match his movements. He knew ever since they were younger how much of a freak she would turn out to be.

It was always the quiet ones.

When she felt two of his fingers enter her, she choked on her words, throwing her head back in ecstasy. It has been so long since she last let anyone touch her in that way, and of course he knew that. Kiana was never the type to sleep around so he had a very high appreciation of how tight she was for him. Her walls clamped around his fingers, pulling them in even more. He made sure his movements were steady but sadly his time was limited so he couldn't enjoy it like he wanted.

Adding his thumb to put pressure on her clit once more, he could feel her legs start to shake and her moans increase in volume. He wanted to hear her scream in other ways too.

"Kiana...." He whispered lowly, gripping the back of her head and pulled her face closer to his. She looked at him, her breathing harshly as she grew closer to her peak. "Taehyung, remember that name."

Barely giving her time to respond, he speeds up, kissing her deeply while her body shook. Her nails digging into his back, needing something to hold onto from the intense wave of pleasure that washed over her. She kissed him back, allowing his tongue to slip inside of her mouth, finally giving her a chance to see what he tasted like just as a funny sensation clouded her mind.

"What th-...." She barely mumbled, her head falling against his shoulder and her body going limp in his arms.

Tae slowly removed his fingers from inside her and happily locked away her juices. "Took you long enough."

Looking up, his dark eyes found his best friend leaning against the entrance of the gazebo with a playful smirk on his face. "How does she taste?"

"Like cherries." He answered truthfully, giving his fingers one last lick before picking up Kiana and carrying her to the couch. "How long were you standing there?"

"Long enough. You didn't have to knock her out you know?"

"It was for the best, plus I told her I'd help her relax, so I did," Tae explained, drying her off as much as possible, placing her clothes back on carefully.

"Right. You know if word gets bac-"

"It won't." 

"But if it does?"

Turning to face him, he gave Joo-hyuk a deadly look. "Then I'll kill them if they try."

1-50 of the oc questions thing whenever u reblog it ho

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

-

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

Second Heir to the Throne, Banished Princess... pretty self explanatory titles.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

I mean I guess. Raised as royalty with access to education, food, clothing, and physical training. Lonely, maybe, obviously she had a best friend so she was never truly alone. The banishment probably hit her hard but she’s a resilient character so she bounced back. A fond memory may be just a normal day during her banishment, playing wildly with a litter of Hell Hound pups her Uncle (also banished) was raising. A bad memory... more than likely seeing her father kill her mother and brother - the members of the family closest to her.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

She had a lot of love for her mother and grew up deeply respecting her father. Her mother spent a lot of time with the eldest son but was always first in line to comfort and cheer on her eldest daughter - as with any of her children. I don’ t actually really touch on many (if any) memories between my oc and her mother, because I got no clue what a loving mother/daughter relationship looks like lol. Some of the happiest memories between my OC and her father probably come from when he would throw her a knowing look in the middle of counsel whether it was because he was about to win an argument or the opposition were being idiots, he knew she’d understand and seemed to really enjoy his eldest daughters ruling attitude. Her worst memory would probably be her banishment as he’s the one who made the decree.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

She has three, an older brother and a young brother and sister. When they were young they were pretty close, there’s a massive age difference between the first two and the younger two. Her older brother was the only one of the siblings to visit the OC in her banishment so they stayed relatively close. Her older brother was always more focused on his turn to rule and how he would do so. Her younger siblings, when she returned from her banishment had obviously been turned more or less against her. She harbours no ill will towards them but is definitely sad. The relationship is not as hostile between her and her younger sister as they were quite similar kids.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

God almighty these are some nosey questions. Okay, OC is alien and royal. She was given specific lessons on specific topics but was never really taught in a school environment/class setting. Lots of one on ones. She enjoyed sports a lot, especially team sports which she could captain. And in her banishment became quite enthralled by animals (specifically Hell Hounds that her Uncle raised and trained in his banishment). Techinically they live A LOT longer than us so she’s been ‘learning’ for over 90years, but they also have a lot more history to learn, so I guess she didn’t finish? I think she probably hated the arts but only because she wasn’t an artsy type, she still had a casual admiration for the skill and its lessons because we love an appreciative queen.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? 

They (the royals) are given a type of special guard (one person) around their birth who accompanies them anywhere and everywhere. Not much else, they’re pretty elitist. No fraternizing with the commoners type stuff. But she obviously remained close with her guard.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? 9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

No pets as a young kid while living as a royal family member. And technically no pets in banishment but her Uncle made his money training Hell Hounds by the thousands and she was prone to getting attached and naming them. She loves animals as a whole though, although banishment meant she no longer had to retain royal conduct not many commoners wanted anything to do with a banished kid so animals became her friends. She’s pretty good with them. 

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

I mean technically she’s still a kid so...?

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?

So far I don’t have any special requirements, diets or allergies for this particular OC.

12. What is their favourite food? 

She likes fish.

13. What is their least favourite food?

Doesn’t like most sweet treats.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

I haven’t written in 8000 years so on the top of my memory I do remember a family meal but I have no clue what its purpose is or was so, WOOP!

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

She probably just likes making fish. Good at making fish. Not much else, royal family member and all.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? 

I was thinking about having her collect rocks because what child doesn’t? But I don’t know how to incorporate that into the story in a cohesive way.

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

No cameras in this world. Maybe paintings but they’re on the run so I doubt they’d leap around and out of danger with a canvas portrait dragging them down.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else 19. What’s their least favourite genres? 

Books aren’t really a luxury item, so no fiction books for the princess. Probably enjoys her planets form of country/pop music. No tvs, no films, no video-games.

BOOOOI I LITERALLY DON’T THINK ABOUT ANY OF THIS XD.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

She enjoys music, like I said she’s a casual admirer of the arts due to being personally terrible at them. She’s probably a foot tapper/head bobber type.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

She got a wild temper. When she was younger it would lead her into quite violent tantrums but through banishment she learnt to control it/think it through. Obviously still not completely in control but less likely to pop off on site.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

I don’t know as that she insults people actually? Maybe is just really sarcastic with them... huh, I know nothing about this OC apparently, who dis?

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

Good memory, able to recall easily no matter how far back she has to go. Probably better with names as she didn’t get to meet a lot of people as a kid but definitely had to learn royal lineage and the like.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

Sleep at night? More like whenever they can catch a wink, they’re in the middle of a war so... I would guess light snoring, she’s that bitch that can fall asleep on anything given half the chance.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

I imagined her to be a very severe child. Growing up in a country at war, the banishment, and social isolation probably left her very little room to be funny, whimsical more likely but I don’t think she’s the one to turn to if a joke is needed.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? 

They... smile? Loud, shrill laugher. Has a difficult time hiding her emotions as she’s quite sensitive to them in the first place.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

Probably remembering the people she left behind or feeling like a failure, Growing up royalty and so close the throne in a country at war she’s grown up with the idea that she’d have to rule one day which means she internalized a lot as a youth in regards to how ‘good’ of a ruler she could be. With her banishment always hovering over her she probably cries a lot. I’m not sure if she lets other people see it?

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

Probably not being good enough to rule, or even to win the war. Has a more inquisitive nature than a fearful one. Though that’s subject to change as previously she was RIDDLED WITH FEAR when I first came up with her.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? 

Idk, be a good person and watch out for them I guess? Maybe, try to relate or make whatever scares the other person less scary by learning what she can about it.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

Regularly, she’s fit af. I would think she’s very quiet before, and during any exercise as she probably views it as a good time to think. And afterwards is probably very chatty after all that thinking time logged in.

 31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

No drinking. She’s a Child.

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

Practical clothing for most of the books. Something a little more regal in flashbacks coz royalty and all. Wear as little frills and laces as possible.

 33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?

Just normal ones...?

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

SHE   T A L L. Like we’re talking 2/3m + (remember alien) and that’s in her smallest form. Roughly 10m/30ish ft in original form. She’s still counted as a child by her people so probably really gangly with added form/muscle from physical training and being on the run. Nothing too special though (y’know, aside from that monstrous height.)

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? 

In war there is no pleasure. Nah, she probably just enjoys having friends and people to talk to/be with after so long of being a social outcast. 

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

I feel like I’ve already answered a similar q here... good at plaiting here and being persuasive. Likes learning about politics and playing with animals, going for walks and swimming especially if fish are involved. Can sing in her own native tongue but it’s an alien form to her new friends so they're not very appreciative.37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

Reads non-fiction only for learning, fast at it. Doesn’t know what poetry is.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

She admires people who are stoic yet caring. People who show good leadership characteristics and loyalty. She wishes she was able to care as much as other people seem to about the people in their lives. 

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 

Letters are about the only thing this worlds technology has atm so...

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

No processed goods here. She’s just a health god.

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

Hmmm... It’s not really explored in depth, romance isn’t a main plot point for her and she has a lot of other things on her mind but I always had her as bisexual. Reckon she goes for quiet people to balance her out and just coz she’s naturally drawn to them. Probably prefers someone who can keep up mentally and physically but not go on too far ahead of her, an equals type of thing? Needs support, she needs someone who can back her up without question but also needs someone who has a calming effect on her.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

To bring peace. She’d sacrifice everyone and everything, including herself to get it.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

I haven’t actually thought about whether or not her people had a religion or even if she had any. I do have characters that bring up theirs and she’s interested in learning from them. I don’t think this hard about her tbh xD I am a terrible writer.

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? 

Probably spring. Likes that warm in the sun and cold in the shade type bullshit. All them new flowers and baby animals would just fill her heart to burst. Better in cooler weather as her people are nocturnal so they deal with night temperatures.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

Some would view her as a good leader, persuasive and relatable. Caring of even the littlest guy. But those close to her would view her as mysterious/hard to understand/keep up with. She views herself as too sensitive and niave about most situations. She’ s spends a lot of this book in the dark and so doesn’t view herself very highly in terms of intelligence. Views herself as physically strong.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?

Gives off a very judge-y type of impression. Will openly assess people on first meeting them. Quite accurate she is very judgemental in the beginning of her story. Usually on first meeting people she’s either trying to scare or persuade them into submission so... not the friendliest on the block.

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

Can act very regal as she was taught, but finds such an act/conduct difficult the older she gets. Likes dressing fancy. She’s curious about social events as they’re so rare for her so she probably enjoys them.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? 

Has never really been to one. Has been dragged to a type of party, just went with the flow.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

I don’t know as that she keeps any object on her constantly, for security or sentimentality. She’s kind of a wanderer but she loved her armours forearm cuffs.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Food, spare clothes and a weapon.

I wasn’t able to write about this the night that it happened because it was the night before Thanksgiving, but I still wanted to be able to tell all of you about something that happened to me. It was a really raw, unexpectedly touching moment and helped put everything going on in my own life into perspective. Lately I’ve felt so overwhelmed by everyday demands of life and school and the holidays and I think it’s really easy to slip into that feeling of resentment at the moment. Waking up to a new Donald Trump scandal every 12 hours and/or the blatant disregard for basic human rights doesn’t help, but I’m not about to get into that.  Anyway, the night before thanksgiving I found myself getting into an uber alone. I had left my group of friends and was headed back to my apartment before driving to the suburbs to get drunk with my family. I had just seen a musical and was standing under the lights of a neighboring theatre, trying not to shiver from the cold that seemed to have crept in off the lake out of nowhere. I opened my uber app and called a car, and within 5 minutes the driver had pulled up to the sidewalk down the street. I sped-walked down the street past well-dressed groups of people who had also just left the show, and, at the prospect of getting out of the cold, excitedly slid into the back seat of an ordinary Toyota Camry. The leather seats embraced me like an old friend, and the warmth pulsating throughout the small car crashed over me like waves on a shore. “You’re here for James, right?” I look at the driver for the first time, realizing I had forgotten to double check that the license plate matched the car I’d ordered on the app. “Yes sir!” He says, making eye contact with me in the rear-view mirror. “Cold one tonight, isn’t it?” He’s small, probably no bigger than 5 feet, with his seat pulled as far forward so he can reach the gas and brake pedals. He has combed over hair thats dark and a shiny bald patch on the back of his head that catches the street lights as we start to drive. He looks older than me, late 40’s/early 50’s.  He has on a large puffy coat, an old pair of glasses that look slightly dusty, and a shiny gold ring on his pinky finger. “FREEZING,” I say, shivering a little while I did for added effect. “Must be winter.” “Yeah,” he says, rolling his eyes at me in the rear view, “and with Donald Trump as our president for the next three years, imagine how cold the winters are going to be after he’s effectively destroyed the environment.” He smiles and lets out a loud laugh and I laugh too, genuinely happy that if I’m going to connect with a stranger over anything, it’d be our mutual hatred of Donald Trump. “Sorry if you voted for him,” he says, suddenly getting quieter, the way a child does after they get scolded for swearing, “I suppose I shouldn’t assume…” “Oh no!” I interject before he can finish, “I fucking HATE Donald Trump.” He smiles and we roll into to a long red light. “Do you have any plans for thanksgiving?” I ask him, looking to fill the silence as I wait for the light to change from red to green. “No,” he says, averting my eye contact in the mirror, “I don’t have any family really.” “Oh wow,” I say, feeling guilty for having asked, realizing he feels saddened by what he’s just said, “I’m really sorry to hear that.” “Yeah,” he mumbles, looking at his hands on the wheel in front of him, “the holidays are a hard time for me in particular.” “I understand that,” I say, not knowing exactly how to proceed without coming off as cold or dismissive. The light finally turns green and we continue to drive down the road, past crowded bars and busy late night restaurants. “You’re very handsome, you know,” he says casually, glancing at me in the rear view mirror, the streetlights catching his eyes as he does. It doesn’t feel gross or inappropriate, it feels genuine, it feels kind. “Well thank you,” I say, smiling. “I went to a musical tonight, so I got a little dressed up.” “Can I ask you something?” he says, almost pleading. “Of course!” I say, trying to make sure I sound as casual as possible. “Are you a sensitive kind of guy?” I’m confused by this question. “What do you mean? Sensitive in what way?” “Like, are you easily offended? Do things bother you easily?” “Not at all,” I say, chuckling nervously, “I’ve worked with criminals and drug addicts and ex-cons. Nothing really shocks me anymore, so don’t be worried about offending me.” We turn onto the highway and begin the journey towards my neighborhood in Chicago, a 15 to 20-minute drive north of downtown in Logan Square. The roads are completely jammed, and as we descend down the turnpike we’re immediately swallowed by a sea of red tail lights.   “I like your bracelet,” the driver says to me as we merge into bumper to bumper stand-still traffic. “Thanks,” I say, holding my wrist up higher so he could get a better view in the mirror. My Love bracelet had been cleaned a day or two prior and was shinier than normal. “I really like your ring!” I point out as it catches the light from the car in front of us. He looks down at this hand on the wheel and flexes his pinky for me to get a better look. “It’s really important to me.” “Why’s that?” “Honestly? I got it from my first boyfriend when I was 14.” I take this personal disclosure in stride. “I love that you have it still, he must have been really important to you.” “He WAS,” he says, beaming ear to ear. “I loved him.” We sit in silence for a minute before curiosity gets the best of me. “…What happened to him?” “He married a woman and had a family…It was a different time back then; you know?” He says this to me really matter-of-factly, like at one point uttering the words would have made him want to cry, but not he’s un phased by it. Time has a way of making what was once painful less so. “That must have been hard for you,” I say, holding eye contact with him. “It was,” he says, smiling to himself. “That’s the thing about love though, it never really goes away. It changes, but it’s always there. Even if you don’t have the person, you still have the love.” Traffic had finally begun to move again, and I became entranced by the fading skyline of the city. “He was like my protector, my boyfriend, my first real friend. You see when I was 12 I was beaten so badly by my father for being what I was that for two years I couldn’t sit up straight. My collarbone had been completely shattered by my father who beat me with a fry pan after I told him I wanted to try taking dance lessons. I had bruises everywhere all the time, and I think the kids at school just felt sorry for me. Everybody knew, and yet nobody ever did anything. When I was 13 I ran away from home, I couldn’t stand it anymore. For months I slept on this bench in the park, stole food from grocery stores, slept in people’s trash…” He looks up from the dashboard and glances at me in the rear-view. “Then I met Ben. He lived with his mom nearby and one day while he was walking through the park, he bumped into me and we became best friends. He took me in the next day, his mom giving me the spare bedroom, giving me new clothes, enrolling me in school...Ben and I were inseparable, the best of friends. Nobody ever picked on me at school because of him, nobody ever hit me…” “This whole time I had been harboring so much love and affection for him and never told him…one night his mom had to work late and we snuck into her liquor cabinet and got drunk, just the two of us. We danced and broke things and laughed…and then we just…Kissed. Just like that. It was magnetic, it felt so right. He was much taller and bigger than me, and his big hands held me against him and his lips pressed against mine…I was so happy. You ever felt that way about someone? How all these bad moments have lead you to one absolutely perfect one?” “All the time,” I say to him, meaning it. “One day his mom walked in on us, you know, doing stuff…” he’s shaking his head as and running his hands over the steering wheel. “She told me she couldn’t have a son behaving that way…That I had to leave. That night before I left he gave me this ring,” he’s looking at his pinky again, the lights of the cars going by shining against the gold band, “and told me to remember him when I wore it.” “I think it’s really amazing that you kept it,” I say, not knowing what else to tell him, stunned at how honest he was being with a perfect stranger, happy he felt comfortable around me. “Thanks man, I’m glad I did.” “So what did you do after you left?” I ask him, genuinely curious. “I lived in the park for a long time…went home with random guys. Some of them were good to me, and some of them weren’t…. I ended up driving a cab so I could pay for school. I finished high school, went to community college and got an associates. I worked at a bank, eventually got transferred to Chicago, and now I live here. I drive for uber because I could really use the extra cash.” We’re pulling up to my building now and I’m getting ready to get out of the car when he stops me. “Can you just give me one more minute?” He asks me, turning around in his seat to face me. I can see that he’s crying. I hesitate, but decide that another minute talking with him can’t hurt, and it seems like he really needs it. I tell him I can stay a little longer. “Do you ever feel like a freak?” he says, rubbing his nose which is starting to drip with snot. “Sometimes,” I say, trying to reassure him. “I think we all do every now and then.” “I do all the time,” he says to me, wiping his eyes. He holds his hands out in front of me. “My hands are so small and pudgy, my nose (he points to his nose) is huge and misshapen. It just all looks so wrong to me sometimes, it makes me so mad.” Feeling the conversation shifting in a different direction than it had been the rest of the car ride, I do my best to make him feel better. “I hate my nose,” I explain to him, “I feel endlessly insecure about it. I broke it when I was little and it’s been crooked ever since. It’s the only thing I notice in photos of me. Everybody has things they don’t like about themselves, everyone has things that make them insecure, but those things make us who we are. You have a great nose! I think it’s very handsome.” He Chuckles and wipes his eyes. “You’re very sweet,” he says, turning again to face me. “That’s just the problem, though. I don’t want to be handsome. I want to be beautiful.” At this point it’s easily been more than a minute but I don’t move from my seat in the back of the car. The driver starts to sob, and all I can do is sit and watch. In school we learned that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is sit in silence, that sometimes you do a disservice to someone by filling that silence. We learned that when people are feeling pain, personal pain that you aren’t 100% privy to, the best thing you can do is let them feel it. You disrespect somebody’s pain by telling them not to cry, you disrespect somebody’s pain by taking that silence away. So I sat there for several minutes while my uber driver sobbed into his hands. I did my best to respect his pain, to understand that I could not take it away. “I know you have to go,” he says to me, blowing his nose into a napkin he’s pulled from the glove compartment. “I know you must think I’m a crazy person…I feel like I am, too.” “I don’t,” I tell him, and I genuinely feel that way, even though I’m not quite sure what’s going on. I hold out my hand for him to shake, preparing to depart from the car. “What was your name? I never asked,” I say, waiting for him to take my hand and shake it. “I never gave it,” he says quietly, looking at my hand like he’s unsure what to do with it. “People call me Mitch,” he says, gently taking my hand to shake. “But my real name…is Emily.” Suddenly I understand what’s going on. “I drive Uber at night so I can pay to finally be who I know I’ve always been. I’ve never told anybody about it, ever. Your fare from tonight will give me just enough to start the process.” We shake. “Well, Emily,” I say, breaking my hand away from hers, “I can’t think of a better way to spend my money or my evening. I’m honored you told me. I hope you get everything you want, but you should know, you’re beautiful already.” She starts to cry again, says thank you, and turns around to face the wheel again. “You’ve shown me great kindness tonight,” she says, fumbling with her keys in the ignition, “Take this, please. I collect them.” She hands me a lightweight gold ring. “I get them at the dollar store and give them to people important to me. I know they’re cheap, but… I think they’re beautiful.” She places the ring in my hand, and folds my fingers around it. “Happy thanksgiving,” she says. “Happy Thanksgiving Emily,” I say back. I get out of the car and she drives away, leaving me a little shell-shocked, a little sad, but mostly leaving me hopeful. If someone like Emily can find the courage and the strength to be who they are, then I can be brave in my own life, too. I think during this politically volatile time we forget that the people being persecuted are real people, not just statistics on the news or faceless tweets. They’re real people with real pain, and if pain can’t unify us, then really what can? We need to be mindful of it, we need to be cognoscente of one another’s struggle, one another’s suffering. Only then can we help each other. Only then can we heal. Happy holidays. XO James  

You Me Her

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Epilogue

Word Count: 3403

↠ ♥ ↞

...Two Months Later...

Riley arrives home from her summer trip to Europe just after lunch. The jet lagged brunette is welcomed home with balloons and embraces. Riley is ecstatic to find Kai amongst the welcoming committee. The boy in glasses had left not too long after Riley did to settle in with Noah at Notre Dame. After two months apart - not to mention being in two different timezones - Kai had to make the effort to see his best friend and Riley was very happy he did.

After Riley tells a bunch of stories about her European escapades for her parents she retreats to her bedroom with Kai. He flops down on her bed stomach first and flips through the photographs on Riley’s phone that she took whilst she was away. Riley sits on the floor with her back pressed up comfortably against the bay window. Kai ‘oo’s and ah’s’ at Riley’s touristy snaps.

“Look out Cait, looks like there’s a new photographer in town.” Kai chuckles.

Riley laughs at his over exaggerated statement. “I’m quite content becoming a playwright actually.”

“I’m just saying,” Kai looks up from the phone with a smirk. 

Riley playfully rolls her eyes and quietly starts fiddling with the sequins on one of her bay window cushions. 

“So are we going to talk about it?” Kai sits the phone down and rests his chin in his hands, the weight balanced off his elbows. 

Riley lets out a groan. “I’ve been home all of an hour.”

“I’m sorry. What do you want to talk about then?” Kai gives Riley a look. “How boringly loved up Noah and I are in our new domestic life?”

“I’d like that very much actually.” Riley nods in a challenging way.

Kai makes an incorrect buzzer noise. “Sorry wrong answer. The one we’re looking for is the Lucas of it all.”

Another groan from Riley. “I’m over him. Completely.” Riley says very dramatically. 

“I’m sorry is there a French boy you met and didn’t tell me about?” Kai raises a brow.

“No.” Riley scoffs. 

“Italian?” Kai makes goofy suggestive faces and Riley chuckles embarrased as she shakes her head. “Swiss? German? Dutch?” 

“No European boys of any kind.” Riley laughs.

Kai gasps dramatically and edges forward slightly, “A European girl?”

Riley tosses a cushion from the bay window and it clips Kai across the side of his head.

“Well you never know.” Kai giggles and then their attention is drawn towards Riley’s text tone sounding. 

“Who’s that?” Riley questions. 

“Uh, it’s from Tammy.” Kai glances at the screen. 

“Read it to me please?” Riley gives Kai an innocent grin, happy that the subject was changing. 

“Hi Sweetie just heard you got back. Someone left a letter here at the bakery for you, I didn’t get a chance to give it to you before you left, I’m sorry. Cant wait to see pictures.” Kai reads out the text at Riley’s request. “Ooo, a letter.” He sets her phone down again. 

“It’s probably just a graduation card.” Riley dismisses it. “I’ll swing by later.”

“Okay then...” Kai sits up on the bed, shuffling himself into a comfy cross legged position. “...Let’s talk about Lucas.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Riley shrugs casually. “I haven’t heard from him since he left the bakery that afternoon.”

“Yeah but I don’t understand.” Kai breaks his collected composure with a sigh. “Can you run me through it one more time?”

“Kai, you made me tell you the story twelve times before I left for the airport?” Riley is confused as to why it matters so much.

“It just doesn’t make sense.” Kai says. “Humour me?”

Riley lets out a heavy sigh but obliges, “I saw Lucas leaving the bakery and I asked him why he was leaving without saying goodbye. Lucas tells me it’s not goodbye if he doesn’t say it aloud, then he leaves and I don’t hear from him... At all...” 

“He didn’t give you anything?” Kai questions. 

“No, what would he give me?” Riley knits her brows in confusion. 

“I don’t know...” Kai has crinkled brows too. “But why did he leave and then come back if he wasn’t going to say anything to you before he left again?” Kai is just thinking aloud at this point. 

“I don’t know.” Riley sighs. “Boys are stupid.” 

“That boy is.” Kai nods. “To think I was rooting for him in the end.” 

“You’re not helping.” Riley frowns. 

“I’m sorry.” Kai says defensively. “I just don't understand.” 

“Yeah, neither do I.” Riley huffs. 

Kai softens after noticing Riley’s flustered state, “How are you?” he asks . “I know when we did talk whilst you were away we weren't allowed to talk about him and I can’t imagine the confusing silence was fun for you...” 

“I’m fine.” Riley nods a little too eagerly. “Europe was healing for me. Totally over.. what’s his name?

“Ri?” Kai coaxes his head. 

Riley deflates knowing they’d have to talk about it sooner or later. “I constantly told Lucas no. I have no right to be upset because he finally listened.” 

“But you are upset.” Kai highlights. 

“Yes.” Riley frowns. “But it’s too late.” 

“Why is it too late?” Kai questions. “From what I’ve heard Lucas is still in New York. What’s stopping you from going over to his apartment right now and telling him how you truly feel?” 

“My common sense, my brain, the universe. Everything.” Riley huffs. 

“What about your heart?” Kai asks knowing he’s teetering on cheesy. 

“That’s the only thing I’m truly thinking about right now.” Riley states. “ I feel like I’m in a place where I won't be devastated that we can’t be together but if I let him in and I own some bigger feelings I might not recover if things don’t work out. Caitlin said it best, I’m all or nothing and I just don’t think I can afford to let myself be all in with Lucas... Not again.” 

“I can’t sit here and promise you that everything with Lucas will be peachy.” Kai says softly. “But I can promise you that no matter what happens you will be fine.”

“How can you be so sure?” Riley questions. 

“Because you’re strong.” Kai smiles. “You’ve spent years proving that fact. Oh and there is of course the added bonus of having me for a best friend to hold your hand and cry should we need to.” Kai finishes his sweet sentiment on a joking note. 

Riley’s mouth half curls into a smile but it drops again. “It doesn’t matter. I think Lucas thinks it’s over now too.” 

“You could go over and finally lay it all out for him.” Kai says. “A take it or leave it deal and then at least you can go on without having to ask yourself ‘what if?’”

“I think I’d just rather take a nap.” Riley yawns, her jet lag was kicking into full gear. 

“Ri?” Kai drags out her nickname. 

“Tired.” Riley remains stubborn as she groggily stretches. 

“You’ll have trouble sleeping tonight.” Kai surrenders to the subject matter being closed. 

“I’ll risk it.” Riley sleepily gets up from her place on the floor and climbs on top of her bed covers. 

Kai grabs a blanket and throws it over Riley’s legs. “Come by mine for breakfast tomorrow, my sisters miss you.” 

“I can give them their keychains.” Riley mumbles into her pillow. Kai smiles at his best friend once more before he exits but she’s already sleep. 

Later, Riley awakes after a dream. She dreamt of Lucas, it was such bliss that she woke up feeling disappointed it was’t real. Riley sits up in bed and notices it’s still light out. Surely she couldn’t have been sleeping that long. Riley finds her phone and notices it’s almost 5pm. The low battery on her phone stared back at her. 

Riley could have easily rested her head back on her pillow and fallen asleep, hopefully into another sweet dream of Lucas but she knew if she did then she definitely would be awake at some obscene hour of the morning. Riley forces herself out of bed and decides she should walk to the bakery and collect that letter Tammy mentioned, it might help keep her awake. 

With her phone dying along the way Riley makes her way to the bakery. One of the college students that works there part time is starting her shift. Riley gives the girl a small wave as she heads out back for her letter. In the back room Riley spots Maya hanging up her apron.

“Hey, I heard you were back.” Maya greets her with a smile, a smile that grew wider when she noticed the silver band sitting on Riley’s index finger the same friendship ring that had Maya smiling to see in Riley’s Europe photos posted on instagram.

“Yeah a couple hours ago.” Riley nods and part of her felt the urge to hug Maya but she didn’t want to seem weird for it. “I’m glad to see you’re settling into the job nicely.”

“You don’t want it back do you?” Maya jokes.

“I think I’m going to have to wait tables closer to campus.” Riley chuckles along amused. “Hey do you know if there’s a card or something here for me?” Riley asks, “Tammy said she had it.”

“It’s probably in her mess of a pigeon hole.” Maya chuckles. The blonde steps back and quickly riffles through Tammys collection of notices she always forgets to take home. “Oh.” Maya says as she finds the letter Riley was referring to.

“Oh?” Riley crinkles her brows.

“This is from Lucas.” Maya hands it to her. “You were supposed to get it before you left for Europe.”

“Maybe this explains why he tried to leave without saying goodbye.” Riley looks at her name written neatly on the envelope, “Or why I haven’t heard from him all summer.”

Maya looks panicked for a moment, she didn’t want to interfere but she also really wanted things to work out for the couple. “Lucas has been distant with everyone this summer not just you.. At first I thought maybe it had something to do with you but I couldn’t be sure...” 

Riley quietly looks at the unopened letter before flicking her gaze back up to Maya. “Maybe it’s the goodbye he couldn’t give me in person..”

“There’s only one way to find out.” Maya says softly.

Riley nods sheepishly and Maya goes to leave but Riley grips at her wrist tightly. “Wait, please.” Maya nods and stands by as Riley opens the letter. 

As Riley pulls out the folded piece of paper something else slips out and floats down to the ground. Maya crouches to pick it up and with a perplexed look she hands it to Riley. “Uh, this fell out?” 

Riley sucks back a breath once she notices what Maya’s holding. Could it be? Riley thinks to herself, surely it isn’t... Riley gently grips the fragile object in one hand. A dried out leaf, it looked as though it had been pressed between the pages of a book for years. Riley twirls the familiar looking leaf by the stem, it was nowhere near as reddish as when it first fell into her lap but still a beautiful orangey colour. Still gripping the leaf Riley turns her attention to the paper and she reads; 

Riley, 

During our freshman year I watched as your eyes sparkled talking about a single leaf. Then a day later I watched you drop that same leaf out the window of the bus. Maybe it was my wonder boy ego but part of me thought it was my fault, that the leaf was me and you were letting it go because I hadn’t chosen you... 

I picked it up with the intentions of one day giving it back to you and as time went on I just held onto it for myself and I wasn’t sure why. Not until today that is. Today I was going to give it back to you with some speech about how we can be together now but then I saw you talking about your pending trip and I realised that the leaf was never me, it’s you. You’re the leaf blowing in the wind, you’re the one who's ready for change and I held onto it - onto you - because I wasn’t ready to let go.

I still want to give you the leaf but I felt like writing this letter was more fitting than a last ditch attempt to win you back. You’re about to go on this big amazing adventure and I don’t want to hold you back from that. I want you to blow through Europe, Riley, changing the world and the people you meet without the weight of whatever we are on your mind. 

But with that being said I also wanted you to know, whenever you decided to read this - if you decided at all - that I’m still going to be around when you get back. (I have to have at least one last ditch effort to win you back don’t I?) 

Riley pauses her reading to laugh as she imagined Lucas would have when he wrote it. She continues; 

 5pm on the evening you get back I’ll wait for you at the station we first met. The subway is weird I know but maybe we can have a do over. Even if it’s just as friends. I’ll be there and if you decide to not come then I understand and I’ll accept that as the goodbye I know I can’t say aloud.

I sincerely wish you the most amazing time in Europe. 

Lucas. 

“Maya, what’s the time?” Riley manages to peel her eyes away from the letter.

“Just after five thirty.” Maya assumes since her shift finished not long ago.

“Damn.” Riley mutters. “I’m too late.” 

“Too late for what?” Maya questions. 

“Lucas.” Riley frowns. “Presuming that he didn’t take my silence this summer as a pre rejection the fact that I'm over thirty minutes late to meet him probably speaks for itself..” 

“Riles, I don’t understand.” Maya says staring at the leaf and letter in Riley’s hand and then back up at the brunette. 

“I’m literally too late.” Riley stresses. “He was waiting for me at the subway station where we all first met.” 

“Well if you hurry he might still be there.” Maya says encouragingly. 

“What if this was the universes way of pushing us to get over each other?” Riley questions. “I didn’t get the letter in time... Maybe that means something-” 

“Screw the universe.” Maya grips Riley by the shoulders and forces her gaze. “If you want Lucas go and get him.”

“What if he’s not there?” Riley asks. 

"He’ll be there.” Maya insists. 

“How can you be so sure?” Riley questions. 

“Because I just am, Riley.” Maya exhales heavily. “You’re wasting time.”

“Right.” Riley nods her head. 

“Go find Lucas and tell him you love him.” Maya says with a soft smile. 

“Love him?” Riley’s eyes widen in panic. 

“Just go and tell him how you feel.” Maya says wondering why she’s even still here. 

“Come with me?” Riley asks on the verge of hyperventilating.

“What?” Maya lets out a nervous chuckle. 

“My phones dead and all my money is in Euro’s,” Riley rambles nervously. Maya’s staring at Riley slightly confused. “This isn’t weird for you is it?” Riley asks, suddenly her urgency dissipates and she realises she’s asking Maya to come with her to see her ex-boyfriend. 

“No.” Maya shakes her head and honestly in some bizarre way it felt right that she’d help get Riley to Lucas. “But we have to go. Now.” 

With that the two girls lace their fingers together and literally run towards the subway station. Maya’s shorter legs are struggling to keep up with Riley’s and she ends up being partially dragged by the brunette. 

“He’s not answering.” Maya says as they run. She had tried Lucas on the phone for the second time since they left the bakery. “Huckleberry is probably ignoring my calls.” Maya half laughs. 

“Try him again.” Riley says as she tugs Maya along. 

“Okay.” Maya hits redial again. 

The two girls finally reach the subway station and bounce down the stairs with a purpose. As Maya’s fiddling around her bag for her metro pass Riley tries Lucas on the cell again. 

He picks up. “Maya, I can’t really talk right now.”

“Lucas!” Riley says out of pure delight that he answered. 

“Riley?” Lucas is surprised it’s the brunette on the other end of Maya’s caller I.D. 

“I didn’t get your letter in time.” Riley says out of breath from her run there. 

“What?” Lucas is struggling to hear Riley over the phone with the poor signal under ground. 

“I didn’t get your letter in time!” Riley shouts into the phone. 

“The letter?” Lucas repeats as that was all he could here. 

“Where are you?” Riley asks. 

“The station.” Lucas answers having understood her this time. 

“Stay where you are.” Riley instructs and the urgency she feels transfers into her voice, “Lucas I don’t want to start over.” 

“I understand, Riley.” Lucas says. “I just thought I should try one last time.” 

“No you don’t understand.” Riley says feeling very overwhelmed. “I don’t want to go back, I want to go forward.” 

“Where is my stupid metro card?” Maya huffs loudly as she desperately searches through her bag and other commuters push past the two girls at this busy hour. 

“Riley what are you saying?” Lucas covers his free ear in attempt to block out the background noise. 

“I got it!” Maya victoriously holds up her metro card. She buzzes it and ushers Riley through the turnstile. 

“You’re not coming?” Riley turns to Maya who waits on the other side. 

“You don't need me to push you this time.” Maya wears a small smile full of love and hope that this all works out for her friends. 

“Riley?” Lucas’ voice echoes through the phone again. The brunette sends Maya an appreciative smile and tries to weave her way through the crowd. Lucas had heard Maya huffing about the card so he made his way towards the turnstile. It’s peak hours so bodies are moving quickly throughout the station. Riley only gets a few steps away from the turnstile when a man with a briefcase knocks into her and Riley stumbles forward into the arms of Lucas Friar. They both hang up their phone call to each other and giggle nervously about being in such close proximity to one another. 

Riley flicks her gaze back to Maya who's still standing on the other side of the turnstile, a wide grin on the blonde girls face that they found each other. Riley turns back to Lucas with a smile of her own, "Hi, we were just talking about you." She can’t help but let out another nervous laugh.

"I love you." Lucas says holding Riley’s stare.

"That's not how it goes." Riley says with a small smile.

"For me it does. Always." Lucas says so sincerely. “I don’t want to start over either. I truly regret hurting you more than anything I’ve ever done but if you’d let me I’d really like to love this version of you and every version that’s to come.”

Riley holds his gaze for a moment. "You know every odd is stacked against us?"

"Yes." Lucas answers honestly.

"We're going to schools almost two thousand miles apart." Riley states.

"I know." Lucas nods.

"We'd be apart before we even got a chance to start." Riley continues, her heart   pounding loudly in her chest. 

"We'd make it work." Lucas says with a mix of certainty and hope.

Riley holds his gaze again as if the answer lay beyond his stare, as if she didn't already know the truth in her heart.

"Okay,” Riley takes a deep breath before softly saying, “I love you too." 

A tooth exposing smile forms on Lucas' face. 

"But I'm not ready to say it yet." Riley adds quickly in adorably bashful way.

Lucas rolls his head forward with a laugh, the way he had the first day they met and he settles upright with a smile. "Well I'm not going anywhere."

"Good." With that Riley leans forward and closes the distance between them with a kiss.

And that my friends is the end beginning.

END NOTES: (THEY LONG!!)

So I tried my absolute best to give Riley a deserving ending in this story. I strongly considered ending it with only friendship between Riley and Lucas but I felt like that would be dissatisfying for you guys whom have been on this journey pretty much expecting the romantic outcome. With this being said I am happy and confident with my decision to end things the way I did. I tried to give explanations for Lucas’ and Maya’s actions that might not make the situation okay but at least show that - even though misguided - they both genuinely cared for Riley. I also tried to communicate how they were just as lost on the inside of the relationship as Riley was on the outside.

I went through the process of Riley hearing everyone’s story and making judgements for herself, even calling people out, sticking up for herself etc. So I really hope you don’t think this is a weak ending in Riley’s personal growth. Riley has always been quick to forgive and forget. She’s also very prone to taking blame for things when she shouldn’t have to and is alright with lack of apologies for situations where they’re warranted. That’s why I hope you can see in this story is that even though Riley is still a very forgiving person and quite unbiased with her approach (like she takes the time to try and understand things from the other persons POV) that she’s strong enough to recognise when other people are negatively affecting her etc.

No one is perfect. Not Lucas, not Maya and not even Riley. Love isn’t perfect, it’s messy and confusing. I really hope that no one feels I’m doing Riley a disservice with this ending. Riley chooses herself, choosing to let Lucas back in doesn’t at all mean she’s letting herself down (in my opinion at least) opening herself up to love again is a risk and an important part in her growth as a person.

She has learnt to value her own self worth. She’s learnt to make decisions for herself that benefit herself (Yale) and even though she spent a lot of time on her own she finally, truly realises that she can shine on her own (prom).

Everybody got lost in the idea of ‘what the right thing to do is’. It’s just that Riley was the first amongst the triangle members to realise that doing the right thing for herself was the most important thing she could do. Riley recognised the pain she felt from the relationship was too much and for her own sake she needed to remove herself from the situation.

Lucas eventually (yes it took a while but I explained that!!!!) realised that he should have been honest from the beginning. He should have owned his feelings for Riley and worked on a way of being with her that didnt hurt anyone else. 

Europe was supposed to be a turning point in Riley’s life. She believed that doing it on her own would prove something to herself and the universe. That she was strong enough to be on her own. What Riley realised at prom is that she’s been strong all along. She’s spent years opening herself up to new friends, new experiences, she’s overcome sadness and severe anxiety. Maybe she had help along the way but ultimately she herself has overcome a lot. 

Riley Matthews is finally, truly, completely, definitely and all other words for absolutely!!! the hero of her own story.

Kindness, forgiveness, strength, bravery, hope, the ability to love - they’re her superpowers. 

I know this story was controversial, I saw some people throwing shade at me for exploring the option of Lucas choosing Maya then Riley but for all of the points mentioned above I’m happy I finished it. I have truly enjoyed writing a story about Riley’s growth. 

And if you’re still here after my EXTREMELY long end notes I want to say thank you soooo much for sticking with me. I know this story took SO long for me to finish with weeks between chapters... You are the reason I finished though. So to you the readers; thank you for helping me write this story. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Until next time, E.