How about some middle-aged reflections on the early days of their (romantic/sexual) relationship?
They’re spreading mulch around the trees, tucking flowerbeds in for winter. The air is crisp and dry, sharpened by the pungent smell of the mulch.
“Got the Stanford alumni newsletter yesterday,” Scully says. “Guess who their new entomology professor is.”
He frowns back, puzzled. Her tone indicates that the answer is one he should get. Does he know any entomologists?
Mulder starts to shake his head. “I have no-“
He sees her face, the smirk she’s trying hide, and then he remembers. “Nooooo,” he says, drawing the word out with a laugh. “Bambi?”
“Bambi,” she confirms, grinning now. “Did you sleep with her? I honestly can’t remember.”
“No!” He’s a bit shocked that she thought this. He’d kind of wanted to though, he recalls. Little khaki shorts.
Scully rolls her eyes. “Oh, sorry to impugn your virtue.”
Mulder offers her a petulant look. “You make it sound like I was Wilt Chamberlain-ing my way through every case.”
She leans against the big sycamore, scoffs. “You’re mighty defensive there, Marty.”
He grins back. “Judge away. You weren’t putting out yet. Not to me, anyway.”
Scully laughs. “We were so young.”
“We were so young.”
She rolls her palms around the rake handle, her beautiful slim fingers with oval nails like the inside of a seashell. She’d been pretty back then, he thinks. Lovely. But now she’s ethereal, refined to some radiant essence.
“I think….hmm. I think some part of me really felt that if you and I followed the rules then everyone else had to as well, you know?” Her expression is a little wistful. A little sad.
He does know. “I like to think it made it that much sweeter in the end.”
“It did. I loved you so…so….purely. I remember when you made it to that Congressional hearing. I think I was done then. The rest was just waiting to happen.” She laughs, a little shy even now.
“You were like Beatrice,” he says to her, adoringly, in the honeyed light. “Come to lead me into Paradise.”
Scully drops the rake, walks over to take his hands in hers. “Is this heaven?” she asks, gazing up.
Mulder smiles back, squeezes her cool little fingers. The wind chimes on the deck ripple like harp strings. The sun makes a halo on her tawny head.
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of our own making
(an X-Files fanfic)
Chapter 2/34 - decaf coffee
[Read on AO3]
In the next week, the topic of adoption doesn’t come up again, and she tries to put it out of her mind as much as possible. They wrap up their case, spending several dull hours working on their reports, and wait impatiently for something else to come across their desk, ideally something a little more intellectually stimulating than the last few duds they’ve worked.
The good thing about not having any cases, though, is that no one blinks twice when they take a long lunch here, or leave work a few minutes early at the end of the day there. A spontaneous mid-morning coffee break at their favorite cafe down the street gets them out of the building, enjoying a rare warm day in December.
On the way to the coffee shop, they walk side by side—as always—until Scully stops suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk.
“Oh, Mulder. Look,” she says sadly.
He follows her gaze to the other side of the street, where a little boy no older than four stands with frightened eyes, looking back and forth helplessly while busy businessmen and women in suits pass by without sparing him a glance.
Mulder checks for cars quickly before jogging across the street, giving Scully little warning before taking off. She follows behind, carefully dodging traffic as it approaches.
“Hey, buddy, you lost?” Mulder asks, approaching the boy and kneeling down to his height.
The boy nods, red-faced and eyes brimming with tears.
“That’s okay, we’ll help you get this figured out,” he says consolingly. “Are you here with your mom?”
“Uh huh,” the little boy answers shakily.
Mulder gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder, offering him a reassuring smile. “Alright, well let’s find her, yeah?”
“Okay.”
“I’m Fox and this is Dana,” he says, nodding up at her. “We work for the FBI, do you know what that is?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“Well, we’re kind of like cops.”
He sniffles.
“What’s your name, bud?”
“William.”
The world slows to a halt, and Scully’s eyes widen.
It’s a common name. So common, in fact, that she can name at least six Williams, Wills, or Bills off the top of her head without hesitating. But that’s exactly the problem.
It’s a family name. Both her family, and Mulder’s.
Fox William Mulder.
“William? Hey, that’s my middle name!”
She won’t think about it. She won’t think about the way that she wanted to use that name, if they were lucky enough to succeed at in vitro fertilization. She won’t think of that little boy she pictured, or the man she hoped would stay and be his father.
“Really?” William asks, eyes lighting up for the first time.
Mulder smiles. “Yeah, better than Fox, right?”
She hears a giggle, and remembers Emily. Mulder got her to laugh, too, even under the most harrowing circumstances. She shakes her head, focusing on the situation at hand. She won’t be of any help if she can’t get her head out of the clouds.
Mulder asks, “You know what your mommy’s name is?”
“Um—Susan,” William answers.
“That’s great. Good job, buddy, that helps. Where did you last see her?”
“We goed to get me shoes for playing soccer,” he says matter-of-factly.
“Soccer, huh? I’m partial to baseball myself—”
“Mulder—” Scully stops him, tapping him on the shoulder. When he looks at her, she points to the other side of the road, and he nods his thanks.
“Hey, look, there’s a shoe store across the street,” he says triumphantly, refocusing in on William. “I bet you she’s right over there looking for you!”
He stands, reaching out his hand for William to hold, and they cross the street together with Scully following closely behind. She watches them, and thinks that if she were a passerby, she might think they were father and son, out for a midday stroll.
It’s a side of Mulder she doesn’t often get to see. A side she suspected lay dormant for a long time after Samantha disappeared, but it’s still there, popping up here and there when it is needed.
“Hey, Scully, can you go in and check if there’s a Susan in there?” Mulder asks, looking to her for assistance. “I want to stay out here in case she comes by looking for him.”
She nods, clearing her head once again of the swirling thoughts that had occupied her. “Yeah, of course.”
She goes in and comes back out just as quickly, shaking her head despondently.
“The clerk said she and her son left about 10 minutes ago,” she reports.
“Did he say which way they went?”
“To the right.”
Mulder glances in that direction and nods. “10 minutes, well she couldn’t have gotten far. We found him just over there,” he says optimistically. “William, keep an eye out for if you see her.”
“Okay,” he agrees.
They head to the right, Mulder now carrying William on his shoulders up above the crowds. They pass a few stores, finding no luck so far, but then are startled when some pedestrians up in front of them nearly get bowled over by the sudden opening of a shop door. A frantic woman exits, then darts off, apologizing as she goes.
Mulder starts jogging, knowing that it must be the mother. He dodges other people walking, skirting between them expertly, which leaves Scully behind by a fair few paces. Luckily, she’s used to it. The woman is poised to enter the next shop when he calls out, “Susan?”
She turns.
“I think this little one belongs to you.”
An instant wave of relief washes over the woman’s face, and she runs to reach them. “William!” she gasps.
The boy all but leaps into her arms, curling in close while she strokes the back of his head, comforting them both.
“Where did you find him?” she asks through tears, holding tight to her wayward son.
“Just across the street,” Mulder says with a smile, pointing to where they came from.
Susan sighs in muted frustration. “There’s an ice cream shop over there, I should have known.”
“My sister did the same thing when I was about 9. Gave us all a heart attack,” Mulder chuckles.
The casual mention of his sister causes Scully to look at him in shock, but he’s too preoccupied to notice.
“I can’t thank you enough. I turned my back for one second.”
“No problem, just glad he’s back where he belongs,” Mulder responds.
After waving goodbye to William, he turns around, a content smile on his face. He starts in the direction of the coffee shop, as if the events of the last few minutes had never happened. Expecting Scully to follow, he walks right past her, but she stands frozen in place.
It’s insane. It’s impulsive. She’s going to do it anyway.
“Okay.”
He pauses and glances back at the statue that is Dana Scully. Amusement plays at his lips, though there’s more than a little confusion there too.
“Huh?”
“Okay.”
He laughs, backtracking a few steps so he is closer to her.
“You’re gonna have to say more words, Scully, I don’t know what you’re—”
“I want to adopt a baby.”
His eyes widen, and he looks to his right and left as if someone might overhear their personal conversation and go tell on them to their supervisors.
“You’re bringing this up now?” he asks, a little incredulously.
“Yeah.”
“And– and you’ve thought this through? You’re sure?”
No, not really. To be honest, she’d barely thought through this at all. There are so many reasons why they shouldn’t, why this is a terrible idea. They’re not ordinary people. They have enemies who could use this against them, careers that have proven to be life threatening on multiple occasions.
And yet…
“Mulder, seeing you with that boy…” she says, her eyes trailing off in the direction the mother and son had disappeared. “Yes, I’m sure. Only if the offer still stands, I won’t hold it against you if you’ve changed your—”
He stops her. “No! No, I’m in. Let’s do it. Let’s– We should talk about this.” He grabs her elbow and starts toward the coffee shop with her in tow, and the pace of his step forces her to walk faster to keep up. “Buy you a cup of coffee? Breakfast sandwich?” he asks, scrambling for something to say.
“I feel like I’m gonna throw up.”
“Just the coffee then.”
The bell jingles as they enter. They sit down at a booth and Mulder leans in, his voice low and placating.
“Okay, no need to panic. We’re just talking about it, yeah? Breathe.”
She huffs out a laugh. “How are you so calm about this?”
He smirks. “I’ve been reading about this stuff for months. You only found my stash of brochures last week.”
“Months?” she breathes, voice laced with disbelief. Her head feels like it’s spinning. “It’s just a little… overwhelming, I suppose,” she says.
“I have that effect on people,” he jokes. “It’s not a rush. If we do this, it will take time, we just have to decide if it’s something we want to pursue. There’s an application process, and getting approved, not to mention finding the right placement...”
Scully feels out of her depth. He knows a lot more about this than she does. She almost wants to ask if he has a slide show prepared.
“I want to do it. I do,” she assures him, carefully choosing her words, “I just don’t know where to begin. It sounds like a crazy idea. Is it crazy?”
“Probably,” he says with a shrug and a grin. “Kind of just makes me want to do it more.”
She’d never admit it, but she feels the same way. Maybe Bill’s right. He has rubbed off on her.
“So… where do we start? What do we need to do?” she asks, needing more information before she starts spiraling.
“Why don’t we take it slow? Start with you and me and an actual adult conversation about our priorities, and then maybe this weekend I can stop by with some Chinese and we can look into next steps.”
She takes a deep breath, heart rate slowing back down to normal.
“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.”
How do we do this? How do we have this conversation we should have had months ago?
Before they get a chance, a waitress stops by to take their orders, and Scully opts for decaf. As electrified and anxious as she feels right now, she really doesn’t need caffeine to make it even worse. She can feel her knee bouncing relentlessly under the table.
Once the waitress is gone, Mulder gets the ball rolling with the first order of business.
“I guess to start us off, I need to know how involved you want me to be. I can help you find an agency and be your personal reference on your application, or I could—” he pauses. Breathes. “Like I said, I’ll be as involved as you want. I just need to know what you’re thinking.”
She shakes her head. “Mulder, I couldn’t ask you to—”
“I should tell you that the agencies favor couples over single parents,” he adds before she can finish, “It might be more difficult to get approved on your own, but if that’s what you want, I’ll help you.”
She studies him, the nuance of every microexpression on his face. She knows what her heart is wishing for, but what about him? Would she be asking too much of him?
“What do you want?”
He ducks his head, staring at the chipped surface of the table before glancing up at her with an apologetic smile.
“I’m a selfish man.”
She looks at him, needing more of an answer before she dares to respond. If he doesn’t mean what she thinks he means, one wrong word could spell disaster. Upset the delicate balance that is their friendship. She has to hear it straight from his mouth, this is no time for assumptions.
He sits back in his booth, and she braces herself for what he’s about to say.
“I want to coach little league,” he confesses. “I want to drive an ugly minivan, the ugliest one you’ve ever seen. I want to help with math homework, to tell crazy stories at bedtime and go on camping trips together.”
He looks deep in her eyes, and she shudders, feeling like his words have penetrated her very soul.
“I want it all, Scully. I want a family.”
I want you.
She feels tears pool in her eyes, her throat closing with emotion.
“I want that too,” she chokes out, unable to form any more words.
He reaches out a hand across the table and takes hers. She holds on tight.
“Well, that’s one thing settled,” he says, blinking back the pinpricks of tears in his own eyes.
~~~
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