#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

g3z0 · 3 months

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Rich stupid Highschool Kids P12

P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7 P8 P9 P10 P11

Summary: The Sturniolo‘s. Their kids are rich and spoiled, stupid brats. You hated them. But you hated Nicolas the most. The way he looks down on everybody and thinks he is better than everyone else just makes your blood boil. You’re a drug dealer - selling drugs to those rich dumb kids, trying to earn some money. Who would’ve thought this would be a love story?

Warnings: cursing, smoking, fighting

-g3z0

„You look so handsome..“ I hear my moms voice behind me.

My eyes dart to her reflection in the mirror. She’s standing in the door frame, her usual tired eyes looking at me.

I smile softly and turn to her „thank you, ma.“ I sigh placing a kiss on the top of her head.

She looks up at me and cups my cheeks with her small hands „exactly like your father..“ she whispers.

I smile a little and lean against her touch.

„Have fun, okay? And don’t be nervous.. I’m sure they‘re gonna love you. And Nick is gonna love your present..“ she reassures me as she strokes my hair out of my face.

„Ma.“ I smile and lean my head back, squeezing my eyes. „Yeah- yeah.“ she laughs a little. She smiles and walks out of the room.

I take a deep breathe and look at myself in the mirror again.

You can do this y/n.

My phone buzzes and I smile when I see nicks name on it. I answer and press the phone against my ear „yeah?“

„Hey.“ I hear his voice wich causes me to grin like a fucking idiot.

„Hey.“ I breathe, straightening my suit.

„You ready?“ he asks „mhm.“ I mumble, walking into my bathroom.

„Im leaving in 5 minutes.“ I say, grabbing the perfume that stands on the drawyer.

„Alright.“ nick says „see you.“ he says before he hangs up.

I spray the perfume on me and lay it back, before walking out of the bathroom. I grab my keys and the small box for Nick. „Mom! I’m leaving!“ I yell through the house as I walk past the living room.

I stop in my movements and stare at my mom and my big brother, both standing in the living room.

I frown, looking at him „what are you doing here?“ I ask.

He looks from my mother to me „I need to talk to you, y/n.“ he says, walking towards me.

I sigh and close my eyes for a second, shaking my head „Lucas, I don’t have time right now.“ I say as I take a step back.

He clenches his jaw the second that name left my mouth.

Butcher is just the name he gave himself. He gave the new him. Lucas is the name our mom gave him.

I don’t even dare to think about calling him butcher infront of our mom. It would be just disrespectful - calling him his fucking dealer name under the roof of my moms home.

„I don’t care.“ he says through gritted teeth.

„Lucas.“ my mom whispers, looking down and shaking her head.

He stops and looks back at her.

I don’t know what he was thinking. Stepping into this house after he broke my moms heart so many times.

„Let him.“ my mom says, looking back at him.

Lucas licks his lips and lets out a breathe, looking back at me „don’t fucking blame me later.“ he mumbles.

I clench my jaw and look back at my mom „you’re gonna be okay?“

She nods quickly „yeah- just go already y/n.“ she smiles weakly.

I have a uneasy feeling with leaving them both alone but I need to trust her. I nod a little and give my brother a look before I walk out of the house.

I get into my car and drive to nicks house.

After a few minutes I park a little away from his property. I don’t want his family to see my car.

I get out and walk the rest to Nicks villa.

I pull out my phone and take a deep breathe, texting him I’m almost there. My hands shake and my heart beats so fast, it feels like it might jump out of my chest.

I pull my phone away. Fuck - I wish I could smoke right now.

I frown when I see Max’s car parked on nicks property. I thought this was a family gathering?

„Y/n!“ I hear nicks voice as he walks up to me. I smile and let out a breathe I didn’t even realize I was holding. „Hey.“ I breathe.

He smiles and places a kiss on my lips, leaning back and looking up and down on me „you look so good.“ he mumbles.

I roll my eyes and laugh a little „no, you look good.“ I smile, kissing the side of his face softly.

„Shut up.“ he chuckles and takes my hand, pulling me towards his house with him.

„What is max doing here?“ I ask as I interlock our fingers. He freezes a little as I mention his name wich causes me to frown „his and my family are friends and buisness partners- I didn’t know he would come until like 10 minutes ago.“ he explains and looks at me.

I nod and let out a relieved sigh. I know Max’s family „that’s good.“

„Yeah.“ he breathes as he walks with me inside.

„So.“ he smiles at me „do you want to meet my creepy uncle first or my parents?“

I laugh a little „hmm..“ I say as I look down at him „parents sounds great.“

He nods and walks with me to his parents.

I‘ve tried the whole evening to get 5 minutes alone with Nick. But his family is so fucking big.

I can feel the small box in my pocket and my heart starts to beat faster again. The worst part isn’t even over yet. Fuck I’m so nervous.

I look at Nick who’s standing in the other corner of the room, talking to someone from his family.

I smile to myself and take a sip from my drink.

„Didnt think you would actually come.“ I hear Matt’s voice next to me.

I look at him for a second before I look back at Nick, while shrugging with my shoulders. „Here I am.“ I mumble, bringing the glass in my hand back to my lips.

„Here you are.“ he says, licking his lips. He follows my gaze and also looks at Nick.

„Do you like him?“ he asks, causing me to look back at him.

He looks me into my eyes and we stare at each other for a few seconds - both trying to read the others expression.

„im gonna ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend tonight.“ I mumble. He nods, looking away from me, back to Nick.

I sigh to myself and also look back at Nick.

„I know you hate me-" i start but he cuts me off „I don’t hate you. I dislike you.“ he says, taking a sip from his drink.

I roll my eyes and look back at him „I know you don’t like me.“ I correct myself. His eyes meeting mine again. „But I really like Nick. And I don’t have much but-" he cuts me off again.

Fuck, can’t he let me speak a full sentence once?

„I don’t care how much you have.“ he says, shaking his head „I care if you want a serious thing with him.“ He sighs, looking back at Nick „he won’t be able to do this shit a second time.“ he mumbles before he brings his drink back to his lips.

I frown at him. „What do you mean?" I ask and he stops in his movements. He pulls the glass down and looks at me „don’t tell me you don’t know.“

I shake my head „know what?“. He lets out a laugh „oh, fuck.“ he mumbles as he shakes his head. He brings his hands up to the air „hey, I said nothing.“

I lick my lips „Matt, what do-" I start but get cut off again.

„Y/n!“ max yells at me as he walks towards me with a huge grin. He lays an arm around my shoulder and looks at Matt.

„Matthew.“ he nods at him. Matt clenches his jaw „Maxime.“ he mumbles as he looks disgusted at Max’s arm around me before he walks away.

I look back at max and he watches Matt leave. „Looking good tonight, huh?“ he looks back at me and grins.

I laugh a little and look down, shaking my head „I guess.“ I smile and look back up, seeing that Nick stares at us. I give Nick a smile but he looks away, avoiding my gaze.

I frown a little „so, what are you doing here?“ max asks, making me look back at him.

I smile and shrug a little with my shoulders „Nick bought me along.“

He bites his lip and nods a little while raising his eyebrows „nick?“ he smiles.

„Yeah.“ I breathe, looking back at Nick. „So you two are a thing, then?“ max asks me. I look at him and smile, nodding. „I guess.“ I sigh.

„That so fucking Great.“ he laughs as he pats my shoulder „fucking great.“ he mumbles, licking his lips. He nods and lets go off me „im gonna go back to my dad. Have fun, hm?“ he smirks as he takes a few steps back „and watch over yourself.“ he says before he walks away.

I nod and take a sip from my drink. One of nicks family members starts a conversation with me and distracts me for a few minutes.

I look around and look for Nick, wanting to finally give him the present.

I can feel how my phone buzzes in my pocket and I excuse myself in front of nicks family member.

I take a few steps away from him and pull my phone out.

Lucas texted me.

Fuck.

The messages won’t go through. No fucking signal in here.

Ironic isn’t it? They are rich but have no signal in their house.

I walk out of one of the balcony’s. I hide behind a corner and light myself a cigarette, taking a long drag.

I can feel how my body almost instantly relaxes the second the smoke fills my lungs.

I sigh and look down on my phone again.

Lucas

11:47 pm I told you. They eventually get bored of you.

I frown at the text. What the fuck?

The picture under the text isn’t loading yet and I hold my phone up, trying to get more signal.

I bring the cigarette back to my lips, taking a drag as the picture finally loads.

I tap on the picture and everything in me stops for a second.

My heart sinks into my stomach and I can’t breathe for a second. My heart starts beating really fast that it hurts.

I blink against my phone, zooming into the picture.

Max and Nick kissing.

I slowly exhale the smoke and everything in me goes numb. Like my emotions have a turn off button someone just pressed. Every other emotion is gone expect anger.

Anger towards myself. For being so dumb. For actually believing - he wouldn’t be like the others.

„But don’t crawl back to me when they get bored of you.“

„Because they will. They will rip you off - make you feel like you‘re one of them.“

„And after you get off your high, they throw you away like the trash they think you are.“

I remember the words of my brother.

I flick my cigarette away and make my way back inside.

I bump into people’s shoulder as I stare down at the ground, avoiding every gaze and eye contact.

I bump into someone and look up into those blue ocean eyes.

These fucking eyes.

„There you are.“ nick smiles at me. I lick my lips and bump extra hard into his shoulder, walking out of his villa.

How can he smile at me like that. After he fucking played his little game with me, fucking my best friend behind my back.

I close my eyes as I feel the anger boiling in me. I’m so fucking dumb.

I walk down the stairs in front of his house.

„Y/n!“ nick yells after me as he catches up to me „what’s wrong?“ he asks as he walks besides me.

I curl my hands into fists and take a deep breathe, clenching my jaw and looking away.

I can’t even look at him right now.

„Nick, fucking go away.“ I mumble as I feel myself getting closer and closer to just snap.

„Y/n, what?“ he frowns at me. I shake my head and take deep breathes, squeezing my eyes shut.

He grabs my arm „y/n-" he starts but he gets cut off as I shove him away from me as hard as I can.

He stumbles against the wall and looks at me with wide eyes.

„Was it fun?“ I snap at him, taking a few steps towards him.

„Y/n, what..“ he shakes his head as he stares at me.

„Did you have your fucking laugh? Hm?“ I spat at him as I push him against the wall. He licks his lips and stares up at me „I-"

„Did you?“ I yell at him, making him flinch. I clench my jaw, taking a few steps back from him, shaking my head.

„I don’t know what you’re talking about..“ he mumbles as he watches me.

I let out a sarcastic laugh „you’re fucking insane.“ I chuckle. He watches me as I paced back and forth.

„A psycho. Playing like that with my fucking head.“ I spat at him, taking a few steps closer to him.

He just stares up at me, his eyes filled with hurt. But I don’t care right now. I want to see him hurt. I want to see him break.

I shake my head and chuckle „do you always do it like this? Fucking two best friends behind each others backs?“ I scoff.

His eyes widen and he shakes his head quickly „y/n, no- no, let me explain.“ he says as he grabs my arm.

I press him against the wall „don’t fucking touch me.“ I spat harshly at him. „I bet it was fun, watching me follow you like a fucking dog?“ I shake my head.

He presses his lips together and closes his eyes.

„Because no one tells Nick no.“ I laugh „you can have whatever you want.“ I scoff. He shakes his head „y/n-" his voice breaks and he looks the side as he begins to cry.

„Now you‘re crying?“ I laugh „fuck you, that’s your fucking fault.“ I yell at him, taking a step back.

I take a deep breathe and shake my head „you never had any intentions of actually being with me“ I shake my head, licking my lips while I let out a laugh. „That’s so fucked up nick.“ my own voice breaks and I try to swallow the lump in my throat.

„You’re just like everyone else.“ I whisper, grabbing into my pocket and pulling out the little box. I throw it in front of his feet on the ground. „I bought this with my last money.“

He looks down at it and then back up at me, biting his lip.

I shake my head „overpriced bracelet for fucking 400$!“ I yell at him causing him to flinch again.

„And it means nothing for you.“ I take a step closer to him again, getting into his personal space. „But for me“ I chuckle „I don’t have money like you.“ I spat.

„I wanted to give you something special but wow!“ I laugh „guess it was for fucking nothing.“

He blinks up at me as tears run down his cheeks.

„You’re fucked up.“ I mumble as I look at him with disgust.

I shake my head „I never want to see you again.“ I spat at him before I turn around and walk away, towards my car.

I light myself another cigarette as I get into my car and start to drive away.

I can’t even concentrate on the road as I feel my vision getting blurry again and again.

I clench my jaw and try not to cry. I drive back to my house and park my car in front of it. I get into my house and walk into the living room, looking down at my mom.

She looks up at me and sighs as she sees my expression „oh, y/n..“ she whispers.

I shake my head and sits down next to her, laying my head onto her lap. Just like I did when I was a kid.

She strokes with her fingertips through my hair and I begin to sob quietly. „Shh..“ she whispers softly „Im so sorry..“

I squeeze my eyes shut and press my lips together.

Im so fucking dumb.

#sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #nick sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets x reader #nick sturniolo x you

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alreadyblondenow · 2 years

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Can we fix it?

Johnny x Female reader

Genre: Breakup, Fluff, smut, slight angst

WARNINGS: Unprotected sex which is not advisable in real life situation, mentions of alcohol, drunk Johnny, cursing. Sorry if ever I left anything out.

TMI: This is for the readers who still comes back here and reading my old stories. Honestly I want to write and make time for it again and just like this fic, I want to fix my time hahaha forgive me though. But thank you for your support until now! How are you guys loving ‘2 Baddies’? I bought 6 albums this era, for sure I’ll buy more but I’m saving up to see NCT Dream and WayV next month. So, I think I’ll support 127 more during repack! I hope everyone is loving the album and has been streaming. Let’s give 127 wins huhu also im just uploading this thru phone so it might be jambled :(( sorry

“We need you here asap— he keeps smashing things” Jaehyun spoke through the phone as you hear Johnny at the background trying to get the phone from Jaehyun, shouting your name.

It’s been only weeks since you and Johnny broke up. He didn’t take it too well obviously, and you can’t believe you’re on your way to his place to take care of him. As soon as you arrived at his place, you went to the kitchen to heat something up for Johnny. And soon as you showed yourself to his friends, they were all relieved but Johnny was feeling… guilty, disgusted by himself and honestly all he wanted to do is hug you so tight.

You were purposely not answering every message he sent, not answering his calls, everything. You tried your best to avoid him. So now… you’re like a ghost. It almost felt like the first time he saw you. Your first date. A beautiful night. But now… the night was still beautiful because he finally saw you after the breakup but, he’s so broken right now.

“You can all go— sorry,” Johnny said, trying to get up from his couch while being mindful of the shattered wine glass on the floor. Successfully, you caught Johnny struggling to walk straight heading his room after you see Jaehyun and the other on their way out. You were quick to grab Johnny’s waist and helped him towards his bed.

He’s quiet now.

But he’s looking at your every move.

“We were fine. Why did you leave me like that” he started. Still in his drunken state. He leaned forward and rest his forehead on yours, all you can do is soothe his back and close your eyes.

“Wasn’t I your perfect man? How can you ruin us like that— we were fine” he cried out again. This time theres tears in his eyes and he was whimpering, blaming himself and trying to keep you closer to him even more.

You on the other hand, continue to gently try your best to sober him up. You used to have moments like this back in the past, moments that involves sweet talking, planning what to have for breakfast the next day, or how many rounds can you guys do for tonight’s love making. But now it’s just crying and wishing that you could go back in time.

“I wasn’t okay all the time Johnny, you have to understand that I can’t pull you down with me”

“What are you talking about—“

“You’re too good for me Johnny.

“What does that even mean? You’re the one who’s too good for me”

“No Johnny. Shut up you don’t know—“ you were getting really frustrated.

“No. You shut up. You didn’t even let me have a say in this. You just left me while I was still fighting and longing for us. I get it you’re not perfect, but I don’t need perfect too. I’m not perfect too, but when did I ever pushed you away? When did I ever stopped being a better version of myself?— I thought you love me”

He continued crying and whimpering.

You continued to listen and miss him even though you’re holding him. And you agree, everything he said is true and to be honest you’re already regretting that you left and made your lives miserable. It has been… nothing but dark skies ever since you left him.

Maybe all you need is talk. Talk it out. You never gave him a chance to convince you to stay.

“Fuck it— life continues without you. Fucking leave, that’s where you’re good at”

He pushed you away lightly, careful not to hurt you physically but the heartbreak that you’re feeling right now hurts even more.

As you close the door gently and proceed to cleaning up the mess he did, you remember how beautiful your relationship was with Johnny and you managed to ruin it and burn all the bridges down in a matter of weeks. You went inside again his room to take care of him, putting a clean shirt and managing to clean him up. It’s the least you could do.

What you didn’t expect was soft kisses on your neck from Johnny while you change his clothes. You missed the feeling of his lips. But what will happen to whats left in your relationship if you give in? You certainly didn’t want to be fuck buddies with him if that’s where he’s going. What you have… or what you had, was way more special just to go down this road.

“I need you to stop” you said calmly when you already felt Johnny’s big hand inside your shirt, cupping your boobs. He was humiliated once again, removed his hand before he left a soft kiss on your temple. He’s sorry and he’s already forgiven. Always.

And when the morning comes, regret was the first things that came into Johnny’s head. He was aware of what happened last night. What he said and what he did. But he didn’t expect to see you sleeping uncomfortably on his couch, freezing.

Of course you felt his presence in an instant. You’ve been craving for it. “Sorry I passed out, I was waiting for the sun to come out” You said with a warm smile, hoping that things between you two cooled down from last night.

“Well the sun is out. You can go now” he said coldly. He didn’t know why. He just felt the urge to be cold towards you this morning.

“O-okay. Thank you” you rambled and clumsily gathered your stuff. Heart broken as you help yourself out of his house. You never thought that Johnny would push you away like that… it must’ve hurt him too when you did the same thing to him.

Days went by and you two continue to miss each other.

You wanted to get back together, but you were scared that he will push you away again. And you can’t handle it anymore. Johnny on the other hand, was giving moving on a shot… because he thought this is really what you wanted.

But then again, the alcohol was just like magnet for the both of you. You received yet another emergency call from Jaehyun, telling you to go to this bar because Johnny needs you and has been asking for you non-stop.

“Can I pass this one out?” You asked Jaehyun through the phone.

“I believe no, the manager of the bar is already mad. Please Y/n, just this one time we’ll never bother you again”

Of course you went to the given address and looked for Johnny. There you saw him sleeping soundly outside the said bar and your heart was breaking as you watch him mumble that he’s tired and lost.

“Hi… Johnny, it’s me. I need you to take my arm—“ you said when you finally approached him.

“You’re not supposed to be here. Who called you? Jaehyun? Fuck him. He should know that I’m not your responsibility anymore, leave Y/n” he gently pushed you away. Again. And that’s it. You knew you couldn’t handle experiencing this again.

Of course you stepped back. But you watched him from behind, followed him every step of the way until he reaches his house. He forgot where he put his keys and if he’s totally being honest right now, he’s about to throw up from too much walking. When you decided to take it from there and offered to open his door, he didn’t stopped you because all he wanted to do is run towards his sink. But life had other plans for him because by the time you finally opened the door, he tried running inside but ended up tripping and you were quick to catch him. Making him throw up on your clothes.

You then realized how fucked up he is right now. Johnny is not usually like this. He’s never a handful and he never forgets to handle his own problems.

“This is all because of you” is all he can say.

And that completely broke your heart.

When things cooled down and you finally got the chance to clean yourself up. You were crying while you think over and over again what Johnny said. You told yourself. This it. This is exactly why you broke up with him. One last cry and you will be totally out of his life.

Of course Johnny felt bad while watching you clean yourself while crying. He was having second thoughts about saying he’s sorry but what he said is the ugly truth. Either way he did not hesitate to hand you clean clothes and tried comforting you the best way he could. “I should be the one crying— stay for the night, the bed is yours”

But you couldn’t stand it anymore. You did not look at him while you try and make yourself decent again. You even ignored the clothes he gave you. “I’ll be fine. Good night Johnny” you said weakly and head towards the door.

Frustration hit Johnny again. And this time when you were just about to leave, you wish that he will stop you. Please stop me. You secretly wish, tears running down your cheeks.

And in an instant you felt him hug you from behind. Immediately hugging you oh so tight that you couldn’t breathe but you love the feeling of it. “You can leave tomorrow. Just stay for the night” Johnny said. He knew that by the time he watch you leave again, he will regret not stopping you just like the night you broke up with him.

Given that you cant get away from his tight embrace, you assured him that you wont leave and sleep here at his place. He slowly gave you some space and head towards the bathroom again and handed you the clothes for the second time before he says ‘good night’

Heading towards his room with your heart beating so fast, you changed your clothes, with only his shirt on and your panties. You sat on his bed for hours and hours, thinking about the future. If this is the last night you’re going to be together like this. Apart and broken. Or you can go outside and fix it. Either way, you’re not sleeping.

But just as you were about to stand up from your comfort… Johnny opened the door and walked towards you, sitting in front of you and reached for your hand immediately. You didn’t stopped him.

“I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to talk for hours and hours. I love you and I want you to stay. Not just for tonight though,” he was close to tearing up but he was stopping himself, “H-hug me if you feel the same” he said weakly, his grip tightened wishing you would pull him in for that hug.

And so you did. And you didn’t just hugged him. You immediately kissed him lovingly and said your sorry for ruining your relationship. He shut you up with a heated kiss, feeling his soft touch all over you. Hearing the words, “let’s never hurt each other again” and “I don’t want to hear the word ‘sorry’ from now on” and immediately made you giggle when you felt his lips on your neck, kissing you down until you’re comfortably under his huge frame. Feeling his hands all over your body, slowly running it up and down. Even his touch felt so good and warm that you missed him already when he pull away to remove his clothes.

It almost felt like it was your first time with him again when you were watching him remove your clothes. Every touch, every kiss and every sound you hear from him makes you tingle and your nipples hard. Of course he saw it, he smirked and teased it, making you whine and grab his shoulders but he didn’t stop. He flattened his tongue and gently flipped the tip on your nipple, making you close your legs and became sensitive. Johnny loved your reaction and to be honest he just missed doing this to you so he pulled you up and made you sit on him, making him hug you with both arms, and let you grind on his hard cock, making it wet with your pussy juices.

He licked your nipples softly, making you weak and melt with his feathery touch on your back, sucking and biting it gently when he wanted to hear you. Ending his teasing with lots of kisses on your chest all the way up your lips until you two fell on the mattress again.

“Want to make me harder?” He asked sweetly, lips beside your ears, nibbling it until you say stop and switch places. Johnny spread his legs very wide and you did not hesitate to lick his long and thick cock. The only cock you love and made you cum so any times already. You gave him head for a few minutes, playing with tip and watching him stop himself from cumming.

“By the way you can’t cum inside me tonight, you might get me pregnant—“

“What’s this torture I thought were okay?” Johnny pouted with lidded eyes. He wanted to fuck your mouth so bad but tonight is not the right time to be filthy. “But can we fuck raw?” He made you stop sucking him and pulling you to an embrace, cleaning your face his hand and switching places with you again.

“Of course we can fuck raw, what are you? A stranger?” You let out a small laugh and kissed your boyfriend’s lips. You knew the moment you placed your lips on his, he will immediately line his cock in your entrance and slowly thrust in.

Smoothly and slowly. Johnny is fucking you now, making you crazy and dizzy with his cock, making you moan and ask for more. He was bigger than ever, you thought that he will rip you even though he was going slowly. Bodies on bodies, he fucked you even slower and deeper, he was moaning the whole time with furrowed brows and when you came and tried closing your legs, he stopped them from closing and started kissing you hungrily. Feeling his whole weight on you, slowly fucking you open until you didn’t have a choice but to cum while he was still fucking you and still catching his orgasm. Slowly.

It’s crazy how no one moved fast but you two were tired and sweaty as you both catch your breaths. Of course Johnny came outside and was quick to grab a tissue. You laugh and helped him clean up, spreading kisses all over his body until you’re both covered with his thick blanket, both very naked beneath it.

You’ve never been this close before. Tonight was just very different.

“Do you want to live with me?”

He said out of nowhere while you were playing with his hands.

“What? Where did that came from?” You asked and came closer.

“I don’t want to see you leaving my place again. I swear Y/n— I’ll go crazy” he caged you with his long legs, and made you laugh again. He was still hard but he didn’t want to go another round, he was just happy and excited again for the future, he told you.

“Thanks for fixing us, for us.” You looked him in the eye and rolled on top of him so you could have a good look at him. “Yes I would like to move in with you,” you smiled and placed a kiss on his soft lips which formed a smile.

#nct smut #nct scenarios #nct fluff #nct x reader #nct 127 smut #nct #nct 127 #johnny suh #nct johnny #nct johnny suh #johnny smut #nct johnny smut

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rileebilee · 1 year

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set free.

isaacwhy x fem!reader

warnings: angst, suicide, mentions of od, self-harm, eating disorder, ect.

a/n: hi.... so i need more request pretty plz. also im super sorry for this uhhh..

requested?: no

i sobbed to myself silently, for fucks sake my life was going downhill, everyone must hate ne, they must think im ugly also. my mom overdosed yesterday night and i havent leftmy room nor told anyone, ive ignored their calls, texts, face times, knocks. everything is so fucking bad.

i would pay anything if i could leave this world.

ISAACS POV.

im worried.

y/n hasnt left her room at all. she's not eating, sleeping, talking, we all dont know why, but we're scared. really. scared.

the last time she did this she almost killed herself, thats why.

i got up from my bed when i heard my phone ding, my eyes widened to see a message from y/n, it was a long paragraph on why shes sorry for everything she did and why she loves all of us so much, assuming this was sent to everyone. oh fuck.

i ran out to the others quickly.

"did you get thr message too?" nick said, all of them looking worried.

"she did this last time also, we need to go up there but ill be the one talking." i said, trying to stay calm.

we all went up there and i knocked on the door.

"y/n?, its me isaac. can you please unlock the door, we can talk about whatevers going on."

no response.

"y/n?" larry said this time "we all want to make sure your okay, we dont want you to harm yourself or anything.

"we could go through the bathroom? you can get in from there." tanner said

we all walked to her bathroom, figuring out that she was harming herself, the floor being covered in dry blood, pill bottles scattered, blade on the counter, larry froze, nick making him leave with tanner to leave and figure out how to calm themselfs.

3RD PERSON POV.

yumi and isaac slowly opened the door, peaking through it to see y/n almost lifeless on the ground.

"fuck dude." nick said from behind yumi, isaac running over to check if she was still breathing.

"y/n, can you hear me?" isaac questioned, holding her hand, yumi calling 911, nick freaking out trying to figure out what to do.

time skip cuz i dont know what to do..

y/n was breathing slowly in the hospital bed, isaac staring at her.

isaac was the most depressed out of all of them. he couldn't even try to not be emotional, loosing the girl he loved the most made him hurt. alot. he watched her lay there almost lifeless, holding her was the worst.

larry kept blaming himself, he felt like he always annoyed her, he joked too much. but he lost his funny personality and now he cant even peep a word.

tanner was alone, y/n felt like a sister to him, a best friend, a workout buddy, he felt empty inside. he didnt know what to do without her.

nick was a mess, he loved y/n like his sister also, his vlog buddy, his friend. everything was lonely without her.

yumi was the moodiest and quiet. he didnt talk to anyone, no one, not even her or the doctors, he never thought about what would happened if one of them died since her last accident. he was extremely upset.

all of them were silent on social media, grunk found out right after she was admitted to the hospital, he also was silent. the only message he said was "me and the group will be off twitter for a bit, thank you." which the others reposted, except for y/n. all of the fans were suspicious about this, she had spoke out about her mental health on the internet a few times, talked about her past, ect. her father was one of the first to be reached out when she was first in the ambulance, he explained what had might of caused this.

isaac was speaking to her softly, apologizing so many times, holding her hand, sobbing. until he had felt a squeeze on his hand. his head reached up and eyes brightened.

"its okay isaac, it wasnt your fault." she smiled brightly, she looked at larry who was smiling at her, going on the other side of her and hugging her gently. "and im sorry you had to see that larry, im sorry yumi, nick, and tanner." they had all hugged her.

she had stayed in the hospital for a few more days until she was allowed to go home, everyone was better and happy. she had also got help and reached out to a therapist, leading for her mental health to get better and made sure she never had anything to harm herself with again.

but thats only in fairy tales.

y/n had passed on a few days later, her overdose was a large dose. she was barely able to breathe. she had died the night everyone was there.

everyone watcher her coffin lower into her grave, isaac couldnt handle this anymore, he bursted out crying into yumis arms, he thought he did a terrible job as a lover, a partner, a friend.

yumi was standing on the roof of a building he had found, wind hitting his face watching the sunset, he had left all of his stuff at home. maybe suicide was a way to meet her again. he jumped off and landing in the water drowning himself.

larry was next, he found himself in the woods with a rope, tying it onto the tree he found, sunset hitting his face. he had it around his neck. jumping off.

tanner had dissapered one morning, never to be seen again. leaving nothing but a sorry note, his favorite items, clothes, ect.

nick had gotten into a car accident, running his car into a tree while drunk and not able to see.

isaac had posted on twitter about the group ending, he apologized and explained what happened with y/n. not going too deep into her story.

he took the pills on his desk and swallowed them, pulling the cover over his body, leading himself into a deep dark sleep.

maybe sometime in another life.

#the group chat #the group chat podcast #isaacwhy #bigt #marswhyyy #larrycroft #softwilly #yumi #grunk #angst #imsorry #uhmm crying rn

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heeracha · 1 year

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ep 42. / ep 43. — the one with the letter. / ep 44.

end of the line. — p. jongseong

synopsis: thinking it was a hotline for people who just need someone to talk to, jay calls. but why did a clueless student answer? with jay’s phone call has a time limit, you, the clueless student, insists on staying with him until the end of the line.

pairing: jay x f!reader

content/genre: college au (wow shocking), slowburn, fluff, angst and crack, smau.

warning(s): friends teasing friends, yk affectionate teasing, swearing, tell me if i missed something !!

note: here's the playlist <3 and that is the end of eotl ! jkjk,, um i'll update again later at night ofc HAHAJBSDHJA but no frfr we're nearing the end im screAMING,,, i'll leave u guys love letter giving jay <3

“come in,” you say as you heard a knock on your door. the door opens, sunoo comes in with a smile. you were laying on your stomach, giving him a weak smile and sunoo noticed how you were probably crying all day.

“you miss him?” sunoo asks and you nod. “then talk to him.”

you shake your head and he sighs, nodding. he can’t really blame you. the one person you never thought would lie to you did. plus, he was a jerk for how he rejected you. but all in all, you were still incredibly in love with him.

“you need anything?” you ask.

“i just wanted to see how you were doing.” he says and you sniffle.

“great.” you say and sunoo sighs.

he takes something out of his jacket and gives it to you. you look at it, seeing it was an envelope. it was probably from jay. you sigh, taking it from sunoo. “you send him the things i say, don’t you?” you ask.

“once or twice.” sunoo answers. “also, he would always ask me how you’re doing.”

you hum, sniffling as your tears stream down your cheeks. you sigh, looking at the envelope. “there’s a pint of mint choco in the freezer.” you say.

“it’s okay.” sunoo declines.

“it’s just fair for making you go back and forth because of us.” you softly chuckle and sunoo chuckles, opening your fridge and taking it.

“i’ll be going to jungwon’s.” sunoo says and you softly mutter a bye. sunoo exits, closing the door and you turn, laying on your back as you open the envelope and take the letter from inside.

hi bubs,

it’s jay. your honey and who ended up being your cute guy. but i’m probably not anymore. i’m sorry. for a lot of things. for dropping the cupcake on your shirt, for hiding the truth that it’s me, for lying, and for making you cry almost everyday. if i could go back, i would tell you right away. i panicked so much, i didn’t know what to do or say. like i said before, i like you to the point i can’t even talk.

everything i said about you to you, they were real. my feelings are real. no matter how much i try to stay away from you, i just keep gravitating to you. in a very funny way, too, we can both agree. i just didn’t want you to think i was a fool, so i stayed away, but the universe had other plans. and i did not only make a fool out of myself, but also became the biggest jerk and hurt you.

i know you never want to talk to me ever again, and i won’t force you ever. i will stop contacting you from now on, give you your peace of mind. just promise me one thing, you will take care of yourself. just know, y/n, i will always be cheering for you. don’t leave anything just for me, okay? you have no idea how much i played on my mind if we’re together, and no one wants this more than i do. i’m sorry for making you think i was upset when you got in, but truth is i’m very happy for you and i know you will be happier in the new university. i know, it’s only 15 minutes away from here and i sound insanely dramatic , but i know you would never want to see me ever again.

i love you always, y/n. always have, always will.

jongseong will always support you, y/n.

jongseong and y/n. not honey and bubs. it’s when it really sinks in you that it’s jay that you have been talking to. your cute guy, your honey, the one that’s always there for you when you need someone.

you take in a deep breath, sniffling as your soft cries were the only thing that could be heard. you love him so much, you wanted to talk to him, but you weren’t ready to do so. maybe this is it already.

no more bubs and honey.

could you actually go through it without jay?

#enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen x reader #enhypen smau #jay imagines #jay scenarios #jay x reader #jongseong imagines

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scheodingers-muppet · 4 months

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reputation (stranger things version) let’s go

…Ready For It? - jancy. the whole “i’ve known i wanted you since we first met” kinda vibe really fits them i think. “some boys are trying too hard, he don’t try at all though. younger than my ex’s but he acts like such a man” sorry steve. “knew i was a robber first time that he saw me. stealing hearts and running off” nancy is really the only character we see *multiple* people crushing on. steve and jonathan, of course, but also dustin, fred, arguably robin.

End Game - steddie. “you and me, we got big reputations” king steve and the freak, two sides of some big reputations. “i got some big enemies” being hated by the school and town and the literal upside down. “in rumors, i’m knee deep” “i’ve made mistakes…but something was born on the forth of july” steve’s huge character arch we see in season 3, over the summer.

I Did Something Bad - nancy. shes realms the only one i can see for this one. the confidence and bad-ass of it really only fits her

Don’t Blame Me - steve. why? because i said so. i fully believe he loves VERY deeply. why? because. i said so.

Delicate - steddie, from eddie’s pov. “my reputations never been worse so, you must like me for me” literal manhunt for him and steve’s making googoo eyes at him. “dark jeans and your nikes” is so steve coded. “i know that it’s delicate” not only is eddie wanted for murder, but also, steve’s reputation would be very delicate; even been friends with eddie could make him a target

Look What You Made Me Do: el. “the role you made me play of the fool” and being used in vecna’s plan. “i got smarter, i got harder in the nick of time” “i don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me” her trust has ben broken so many times and shes had to fight tooth and nail for the trust in her now “the old taylor can’t come to the phone right now. why? oh, because she’s dead” paralleled to el coming back at the end of season 2 completely changed

So It Goes… - jancy, from nancy’s pov. “we breakdown a little, but when you get me alone, it’s so simple” “you know i’m not a bad girl but, i’ll do bad things with you”

Gorgeous: ronance, from nancy’s pov. “i got a boyfriend, he’s older than us.” “you’re so cool, it makes me hate you so much.” and “i’m furious at you for making me feel this way” with how nancy didn’t like her at first. “ocean blue eyes, looking in mine” tldr; nancy’s gay awakening is robin

Getaway Car: jancy. “i wanted to leave him. i needed a reason” and “he poisoned the well, i was lying to myself” about steve. “we were flying but we never got far” and “think about the place where you first met me” with the relationship starting to crumble. “we were jet set bonnie and clyde until i switched to the other side” i like to imagine this as her going to robin but that’s just me.

King Of My Heart: steddieeeeee. okay listen. i love when fics make references to king steve and steve likes the name. i adore royal imagery with them. “we rule the kingdom inside my room” “king of my heart, body and soul” i LOVEEE eddie calling him king steve again, but as like, “you’re the king of my heart” “you’re love is a secret im hoping, dreaming to keep”

Dancing With Our Hands Tied: byler. “i loved you in secret…how were you to know?” “deep blue but you painted me golden” when blue meets yellow in the west. “i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us” i think mike might be starting to realize his feelings for will while he’s gone, loving him even though he’s scared the distance will hurt them. “dancing like it was the first time”

Dress: ronance. why? idk it just fits. nancy and robin get close, become friends and nancy realizes her feelings for her. i can also see elmax if you remove the sexual elements of the song.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: steve to tommy and carol. “it was so nice throwing big parties” “it was so nice being friends again…but you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand” tommy leaving him for billy. i just need to see steve lose his shit, honestly.

Call It What You Want: steddie. idk what you want from me, its so steve talking about eddie before they’re official. “my castle crumbled over night…they took the crown but it’s alright” losing “king” title. “nobody’s heard from me in months” falling down the social rankings and living a more “quiet” life (ie no parties and such) “my baby’s fly like a jet stream high above the whole scene” both eddie looking down on social hierarchy and also eddie perched on his chair during campaigns, being literally above the whole scene. “all the jokers dressing up as kings” billy taking his role. “you don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?” steve maybe talking to eddie about how he can “pay him back” for saving his life or something cute like that.

New Year’s Day: stobin. this song has always kinda been platonic to me. but it’s so them. the devotion of always being there, no matter what or why. “please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh i would recognize anywhere” I MEANNNNN

#stranger things #eddie munson #steve harrington #mike wheeler #steddie #el hopper #taylor swift #reputation #rep #almost got all the albums now #just gotta do lover

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rjalker · 6 months

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I think you post is one of the two (2!!) testimonies i found online about how much pap smears fucking hurt. I have a gyne appointment in two weeks and im honestly terrified. Last time i couldn't even get the pap smear done because i started screaming as soon as the doctor picked up the speculum and even the ultrasound probe felt like someone was cutting me open with a knife and all my doctor said was "uh weird. Can you even have sex?" and i said i don't have sex and the conversation ended. Now im going to another doctor and im still afraid she will brush it off because "pain is part of womanhood" or whatever the fuck!! I almost cried when she mentioned on the phone that i should actually get a pap smear done. I've been having nightmares about it... I think I will never get one again, honestly I prefer the risk of cervix cancer. And it's not even that, now im terrified of gynecological visits all together. And literally NO one talks about it ever. It's just "try relaxing! Try doing yoga! :)" fuck off!

(Link to the original post in question)

Yeah, I have to get another pap smear in three years, and I'm flat out going to refuse unless they knock me out for it. If they will not do that I'm not getting it. And I will not be shamed into allowing myself to be tortured. If doctors want me to get this procedure, then they need to provide anesthetic or laughing gas or what the fuck ever.

More people need to start speaking up about this and saying plainly, "Yes, it can literally be agonizing". Because at this moment everything you google about pap smears is literally just systemic fucking gaslighting and victim blaming.

I'm glad my post is helping other people feel seen and understood. Now we need to get more people to talk about it without being shamed into silence. Maybe more people would be willing to get pap smears if doctors weren't literally lying to their faces about how it doesn't hurt, and actually anesthesia or whatever the fuck you wanna call it.

This is systemic medical misogyny and it needs to be talked about and called out. People deserve to know the fucking truth instead of being lied to and guilted and shamed into getting a pap smear without any warning of how horrible it can be.

It is not our responsibility as patients to be propaganda machines for a procedure that is torturous just because doctors refuse to fucking provide pain relief for it. This shit needs to change. Any doctor who performs pap smears needs to be required to offer anesthesia of some kind, at no fucking cost to the patient.

#gynecological care #ask to tag #medical misogyny #medical gaslighting #ableism #misogyny #pap smear #pelvic exam #endometriosis #vaginismus #healthcare

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justcallmeely · 1 year

Text

I wont leave

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Pregnant F!Reader Synopsis: Steve gets called for a mission, but isnt sure if he wants to go and leave his pregnant wife alone after the attack from Thano's team the other day. (Even though reader is capable of kicking ass, but its cute Steve cares so much and is so loving to reader) warnings: Fluff, kissing, mentions of sex and impregnate. Characters: Avengers and mentions of the Children of Thanos *also, English is not my first language so sorry if they're any grammar or spelling mistakes!* (I fell like nomad Steve was a prefect choice for this prompt and should be on the Infinity War timeline)

Steve gets off the phone which seemed to be a pretty heated conversation. You sit on the couch looking at him while the tv is running in the back ground quietly.

"Everything okay?" You ask him. "That conversation seemed pretty heated."

"Yeah, its just Nat just called and told me they might have a plan on how to take down Thanos, and she wanted me to go with them to his garden to collect the stones." He exhales softly as he puts his phone on the table and sits down. "I just don't think its a good idea that I leave you here by yourself like this."

He was referring to the child in your belly that you found out about a couple days ago

"I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, even like this." You look at him while he's in deep thinking. You walk over to him and sit next to him.

"Thinking about it now, you are the reason im in this situation" You laugh as you turn your head to look at him.

He laughs along with you as he bring you closer, wrapping his huge arms around your small shoulders.

"Well it takes two people, but ill take all the blame" He says kissing the top of your head gently.

"What if I do go. You know, with you, and i can build a suit that can protect baby." You put you hand on his and move back slightly so you are able to look at him.

"I don't think thats a good idea doll. What if something happens to you, to the baby. Ill rather stay here. With you." He looks at you with soft eyes.

"Well thats what the suit is for babe. Nothing will happen to us."

"They are completely capable of beating Thanos themselves. They dont need me. He got rid of all the stones and he isnt any harm." He assures you but you still are trying to push to be able to go.

"Steve, I love you. If i didnt i would have married you, or even gotten pregnant. And i love that care about me so much, but you know that i am capable of taking care of myself." You tell him with a pretty harsh tone.

"Yeah I know, but im just trying to protect you love." He says.

⭐

You're laying in bed with a book in your hand sighing softly. Steve walks in and leans on the doorframe and looks at you while crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Hey. You okay?" He looks at you.

"Yeah im fine." You know he's there but still have your eyes on the book.

"Im sorry about earlier, it's just i know if we either go together or if i leave you here, that something will happen." He says and walks closer to you.

You place the book down on your lap and look at him. "Yeah i understand. Its just i felt like you couldnt think i could do it because im now pregnant and i wasnt able to do the things i could before i got pregnant."

He sits infront of you and takes your legs on his lap and rubs them softly while listening you.

"But now i understand why you dont want me to go, and honestly im not trying to look at those creepy looking things Thanos sent to attack us at the station." He nods slowly letting you speak.

"So, if you feel like you don't have to, then dont go." You finish talking and look at him.

"Yeah, i'm not leaving you here alone Mrs. Rogers." He looks at you laughing softly. You laugh along with him and place a soft kiss on his lips. He kisses back and smile in between the kiss.

"I love you Steven Grant Rogers" You say in between the kiss.

"I love you you too Y/N Y/M/N Rogers" He replies.

------------

Hi Guys!

Im sorry this fic was so short, but i feel like i should make this into a series that follow the events of Infinity War and Engame. But please if you like that idea or would like to give me some ideas, let me know i would love to hear them.

Tag List

@bitchy-bi-trash

If you would like to be apart of the tag list just let me know and ill add you.

#cevans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #captain america fanfiction #captain america x reader #captain america x you #captain america #chris evans #chris evans x female reader #justcallmeely

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luveline · 7 months

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hi jade ^^ this might be a little weird and feel free to not answer but i was wondering if you have any advice against feeling lonely and blue? i recently moved in my new flat for my last year of uni and since im living by myself, im finding im overthinking a lot since i have a lot of free time and not many friends as im not very approachable despite trying - ive been reading your fics in the meantime to stave off this feeling and theyre providing me sm comfort, your sad loser readers always feel so fitting so thank you for sharing them w us!!

Well sometimes gorgeous I don't think there is a way to escape that feeling! Which sucks, but I hope you aren't too hard on yourself, you know! I think that loneliness can be just like hunger where you need to eat or you need to spend time with others to make it go away, and sometimes you can't and that's not your fault! When I'm feeling lonely and blue I try to spend some time chatting to a friend or my sisters but I know that's not always possible either, so there's other stuff! It's good to have a hobby, something intricate that you can be proud of, like I think having a craft you can gain skill in can be really good for you, but there's definitely other things to occupy you if that's not your thing, like for example card collecting or jigsaws and stuff like that.

I'm a huge overthinker I make myself sick worrying about stuff, and jigsaws genuinely saved me a few months ago! It's hard to think about anything else when you're doing a puzzle. There are even puzzles you can get that are 3D, but for free you can do them on your phone. It's super low pressure because you can't make too many mistakes but not repetitive enough to let you think about other things too much. There's also bracelet making, cross stitch, alpha bracelet/key chain making, these are all things that you have to pay attention or you'll mess up, so it stops you from overthinking about other things.

If you're blue I'm a big believer of treating yourself exactly how you'd treat a friend, a partner, or a loved one. It's easy to blame your loneliness on yourself. Maybe if you were more approachable, you'd have more friends, you'd feel less lonely —but being approachable isn't something you have complete control over, imo. Obviously there are things you can do to be friendly, but there's no shame at all in being introverted or finding it hard to connect with people, it just isn't as easy for some as it is for others. And sometimes making friends can STILL leave you lonely, which is basically my big long way of saying that I hope you're being nice to yourself about how you're feeling. And what I'm about to say is stolen from a friend, but sometimes you need to take care of yourself to feel better, like making sure you're eating well, sleeping if you can. Also! This might sound silly but I read a graphic novel /manga called My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness and something she did to feel better was again to take care of herself, like making sure none of her underwear had holes, and to stay clean and well presented. I'm not sure if that's good advice because maybe you can't afford to buy new underwear or maybe you have all the clothes you need, but when I started to do that and to look after myself with small steps, it did make me feel better. I worry that shame and loneliness are hand in hand (like, I'm lonely because I deserve to be) because they feed into each other, so definitely take care of yourself if you can!

There's also silly stuff you can do to immediately feel better, like getting up for stretches, a loud burst of karaoke, chocolate. Sometimes I feel better by watching a movie I loved when I was a kid, or reading bits of old books. I also think there's no shame in doing 'lame' stuff like pretending you're in a YouTube video or experimenting with stupid stuff you've never done before, like Bob Ross tutorials and baking and all that stuff. I think sometimes I feel lonely because I feel as though I'm bad company to myself, so if you can manage to be kind to yourself and keep an open mind, you'll feel better sometimes!

Sometimes though it's literally impossible to not feel blue and lonely, and if you feel like for days at a time you can't shake that feeling I would genuinely suggest getting help and reaching out. There's a crisis text line in the UK called SHOUT, and if you can wait the long waiting times in the evenings, they're a good listening ear! I've spoken to people a few times that way when I felt like my anxiety was going to eat me alive/ was too overwhelming to do anything, and it really, actually made me feel better. It's confidential and free !! If you Google SHOUT their website and phone number comes up.

I hope this is mildly helpful and I hope you feel better soon babe!

#jade's asks #ily

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laladellakang · 10 months

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OMGG i'm so honored that you will let me see the draft of you futur post if I want to and OFC i want to you're like one of my fav author/writer on tumblr so why i would not want to see one of your draft ?! Like really i'm currently so shocked 🥹🥹 i love youuuuu ( and Lala too ofc my girl ) 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

OKAY SO HERE IT IS, MAJORRR FIC SPOILER AND ITS SO SO BAD IM SO NOT PROUD OF IT. IT MAKES NOOOO SENSE (i mean it does but doesnt at the same time) but it was your birthday yesterday and i really wanted to give you a gift. please look forward to the revised and BETTER ver of this soon! 🤍

contains: angst. mentions of cheating (mainly jay)

The world is fucking different.

Something is off, and I can sense it. Everything just feels strange.

Today, I went to campus for a lecture and ended up accidentally falling asleep in class. No big deal, right? It's not like it hasn't happened before.

The big deal was how odd everything was when I left the room.

I was supposed to be picked up by the car and taken home, but after waiting for ten minutes, there was no sign of it.

I tried calling our driver, but the call got disconnected. I attempted to reach out to Sungho and Yunji, but their calls were disconnected too. I even tried calling every manager contact on my phone, but nothing worked. Plus it's not like I don't have any signal, it just wouldn't connect for some reason. Something about the numbers not existing.

I decided to take a taxi, hoping it wouldn't cause any trouble. But even the ride home felt odd. Seoul looked... different.

I texted the boys that I was on my way with a taxi and that I feel a bit off. I didn't get a reply or a single read, not even from Jungwon.

But it's whatever! I just wanna get home and cuddle with whoever's free.

Taking a deep breath, I entered the dorm using the combination.

My heart sank as soon as I stepped in.

Female shoes. Ones that are definitely not mine.

Nausea overcame me, and my breathing became heavy as tears welled up.

No. Della, don't. You trust them. She could be anyone. No one is cheating on you.

What if it's a sasaeng? Is someone breaking into our– no. Most, if not all, of the boys should be home. They would have done something if someone had broken in.

It can't be a relative either, as we would have informed the group beforehand.

Then who is she?

"I'm home," I managed to say in a normal voice, trying to hold back the tears.

I heard panicked shuffling and quickly wiped away stray tears before they could see me.

You're strong, Kang Della. Don't show any weakness or insecurity to whoever this person is.

And there she was, someone I had never met or seen before.

She had made herself at home, wearing loungewear and her hair styled in a messy up-do.

Her eyes were wide, mirroring my previous vulnerability, and her breathing was heavy.

And she was stunning. Her freshly-dyed blonde hair contrasted with my midnight black one. She was tall (though not as tall as me, judging by how high she reached the shoe rack), with a small face, big eyes, and plump lips.

Honestly, she reminded me of myself, but in a different font or something. I don't think she's Korean.

"Who are you, and how did you find out where we live?" she asked me fearfully. "How did you know the passcode?"

Wow.

Just wow.

I know that in situations like this (or at least what it's looking like), the blame should mainly fall on the cheater rather than the person they cheated with.

But she just referred to my home as hers. Ain't no fucking way.

"Where YOU live?" I scoffed, licking the inside of my cheek. "I'm sorry– who are you, and why are YOU here?"

That's when I noticed she was wearing my favorite Jay-shirt. It felt like my heart was being crushed, and I could feel the symptoms of a panic attack creeping up.

My sweet Jay. Earlier today, he woke me up and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. How lucky he felt to have me. His eyes showed sincerity. Was it all a lie? How can someone so lovely be so cruel?

"I live here. Who are you, and how did you know the passcode?" she responded, a bit more sternly. What the hell?

"This is Enhypen's dorm. I live here," I said, surprised that she didn't recognize me, even though she's dating a member of my group.

Shit. That stings. Park Jongseong fucking cheated on me.

Confusion crossed her face, and she was about to say something when we were interrupted by more shuffling.

We both turned and saw an angry Heeseung.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" he said sternly, pulling her behind him to protect her.

Heeseung too? My protective Heeseung who got angry at the other members if they left me unsupervised after my injury.

Now he's protecting her instead of me?

My heart started pounding, and it became harder to breathe.

"Heeseung-oppa?" I said in a small voice, feeling incredibly betrayed.

"Who are you?! Get out of our house before we call the police!" he raised his voice at me. The boys had never spoken to me like that before, especially not in such a harsh tone.

"I live here! Lee Heeseung, what are you saying?!" my voice shook as a few tears escaped.

More commotion followed, and this time all seven members appeared. Even Jake, who I could see peeking from the side of the wall.

Is he... afraid of me?

My Jake who was scared of the girls in I-Land but became so comfortable with me that his golden retriever personality came out. Now he barely wants to see me?

"You don't live here. Who are you?" Jungwon stepped forward. My Jungwon. Enhypen's leader who is ready to protect everyone despite being maknae.

But why isn't he protecting me?

"I—" the sight of all my boyfriends turning against me and defending this girl became too much. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate, and a panic attack was on the verge of consuming me.

Shit. I haven't had a panic attack in so long and the fact that my lovers are the ones to trigger it is insane. Everything was perfect just this morning– what happened?

"Breathe. Take your time," Oh my Sunghoon. So incredibly precious. Always reassuring and giving me reminders since day one.

"Sunghoon," Heeseung scolded.

"She's going to have a panic attack! How can she explain anything?" Sunghoon reasoned. "Niki, get her some water."

"No, Niki. She should leave. Now," Sunoo said firmly. "I'm calling the police." My Sunoo, our sunshine. We've had our squabbles, but I've never been this scared of him. Now I understand what people mean when they say he has an intimidating face.

"Wait, wait. What's your name?" Riki asked. "Calm down a bit. Tell us how you got in," he approached me and gently rubbed my shoulder. I tend to forget that he's still so young since he hates when I remind him of our slight age gap. My Riki is too pure sometimes. He's doing this when I'm a stranger to them.

Wait.

It suddenly hit me.

Shit, why didn't my brain work faster?

I'm a stranger to them. They don't know who I am.

It breaks my heart but I should at least introduce myself so that they know I'm not a threat.

I TOLD YOU THE WORLD IS FUCKING DIFFERENT.

"Jay-hyung, call the police," Riki switched languages, probably to ensure that I don't understand.

"Wait! Don't call!" my eyes widened, instinctively grabbing Riki's wrist. "I'm not a crazy fan, I swear!"

"Let go of him," everyone said in unison.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hold him. It was a reflex," I let go and took a deep breath. "My name is Kang Della. I'm a member of Enhypen."

"I'm sorry, what?" Sunoo scoffed. "We only have two female members in our team."

Two?

"What the fuck is happening with the world?" I couldn't help but chuckle humorlessly. "Have I gone insane?"

"Answer us– what do you mean you're a member of Enhypen?" Jungwon asked.

"Did I do that thing from Everything, Everywhere, All at Once?" I leaned against the wall, clutching my aching head. "Just give me a second."

I have officially gone insane.

Even if I did 'multiverse hopped' or whatever you call it, I have officially gone insane. My head fucking hurts.

"Can you please answer us?" Jake asked in a softer voice.

"My name is Kang Della. I was born on March 16, 2003. I'm from Seongbuk-gu, and in 2020, I participated in a survival show called I-Land," I looked up at their faces, hoping to see some recognition. Some looked in disbelief, while others seemed slightly annoyed.

"I made it into the final lineup of Enhypen. Seven boys, two girls. It was you seven plus me and Alice, but Alice left shortly after, so I was the only girl," my eyes welled up with tears at the thought of them not remembering me after everything we went through. "I live here. This dorm has been my home for almost three years. I was attending a class in university, and suddenly I came home to... to this."

"You expect us to–" Heeseung was about to say something when she cut him off. She moved closer to me, looking me in the eye. "Mila–"

"Do you have any proof?" she asked softly.

I maintained eye contact as I pulled out my phone. I let out a shaky breath when I looked at the screen for my Face ID.

The lock screen displayed a picture of us, my Enha.

I opened the gallery app, and a few tears escaped my eyes. I flinched slightly when Mila's hand reached out to wipe them away.

"Take your time," she assured me. Damn, she's sweet too. She seems perfect.

"Thank you," I whispered. My thumb hovered over the photo album labeled 'my forever.' I know I'm being dramatic but all I kept thinking was 'will I ever return to my world again?' "Here you go," I handed her my phone.

I watched as she scrolled through the pictures, but quickly adverted my gaze to the floor. I really wanna go home. I'm surrounded by my comfort people but they're not my comfort people.

"Guys.. These are actually you..." Mila turned around to show the seven. "And it's not even a look alike, it's definitely you. This is the company building," Jay took the phone out of her hands to have a closer look.

I saw him tap on a certain video and Shout Out started playing. That's when I couldn't take it anymore. Again.

I broke down. A full on panic attack.

"Oh my God," Mila wrapped her arms around me. "Let's get you inside. Niki, get her water."

Hearing Shout Out made me think of four things at the same time;

1. How the hell am I gonna go home and how long will it take.

2. I'm all alone in this world/universe/whatever this is.

3. I'm surrounded by people who look and are practically my soulmates, but they're not mine.

4. I guess we're not together in every universe after all. I know it's probably impossible and that the guys were just reassuring me for the sake of it, yet it still stings. This is a reality check.

#clc - ldk asks #clc - ldk spoilers

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witchlockmonsterfox · 1 year

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Are you okay?

yeah im ok now i just had like an episode not because of the shrooms but because i got into a fight with someone. i also hadnt eaten in a very long time but i finally did. i just went into full lockdown mode of paranoia with my ipad playing on the bed as a distraction huddled up in the corner of a window in the dark watching.

i tried looking for resources but its just, suicide crisis hotlines, domestic violence hotlines, and chatlines for veterans with ptsd.

this isnt related but i keep saying this but i really think there needs to be more recognition of ptsd in response to things like drug addiction and poverty and oppression

there are no resources for these hardly. the people i relate to a lot weirdly are veterans (my judgment about the military aside). i feel like not only is there little recognition for what addicts have gone through as serious trauma, but there’s especially not enough for those who went through the peak of the opioid crisis (which later ended up being during an economic crisis too in 2008 when i was using), and no one ever thinks about like… all the black people who were affected by the “crack epidemic” or whatever in the 80s.

recovery from that was not the same as a war but i mean, a great friend of mine overdosed and died. i had to learn medical skills and deliver medicine and essential items and try to get people groceries. i had to save lives. i had to not get killed. i got assaulted twice. and then during recovery i was with a guy who abused me.

i often didnt talk about some of that with therapists but when i would try to talk about my trauma with addiction they would kind of shut me down, or it wasnt “okay” unless i basically told an NA sob story of recovery and how life was so great now. life was horrible. i was severely traumatized. i wasn’t allowed to tell jokes either, jokes that are just things drug addicts say or joke about talking about their experiences to relieve the stress of talking about it!

people treated me the same way — “i dont want to hear about it”. i understand addiction affects those around the addict but im sorry, it is the addict who suffers “worse”. i think if an addict is in recovery you should listen to them. i just think sometimes people get so obsessed with their own feelings these days they forget about other people. i am feeling that a lot lately. sometimes if you care about someone you have to listen to upsetting things they talk about.

i think people basically blame addicts for their trauma and believe they deserved it, and you see the same when poor people talk about poverty, and black people talk about oppression. i am not saying these are all the same situations, but the reaction from others is similar. it becomes a “blame game” to the other party.

i’m not sure where i was going with this… i am just always asking people to have more respect and compassion to those who are different than you, who have had or have wildly different lives, were systemically mistreated and abused, and recognize there’s big differences even amongst similar groups (like mentally ill people).

i notice there’s so much “boundary” talk these days and “my anxiety” with mentally ill people, particularly those who are white, and to me it feels privileged, especially when my boundaries are never asked or respected. what i went through even systemically?

there were no boundaries, no one cared, and i didnt even get the worst of it. one time i got full body restrained in an ER for 7 hours alone because i took seven klonopin (a benzodiazepine, i was NOT violent and it was NOT lethal nor was i trying to kill myself!) and they denied letting me even make a phone call. that’s just one example. the idea of telling staff about my boundaries and feelings and insisting they respect me sounds outright dangerous. they would abuse you further. i have trouble understanding it.

i’m not trying to be ableist, but i do think someone needs to say all this.

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cogbreath · 4 months

Text

vent below idk what image to give to make it worth your while have geeked up spongebob sparkle

7 in the goddamn morning that family is YELLING YELLING. and by that i mean my. but i dont want to really be a part of it. not like they treat me like one anyway. really. except my mom. but when shit like this goes down im basically invisible. maybe its for the better that way. but i dunno. having to see that shit go down. really effects me still. i can enjoy watching nasty fights on reality tv and shit but this stuff isnt enjoyable. cuz like. well i live with these people and shit. whatever. point is. starts making some alters really freak out. i dont even really disagree with the ones who start feeling violent about it. if killing an abuser didnt land u in prison 4 life basically i dont think we'd even be dealing with this shit. probably cruel to say. but really whats cruel is someone who does this shit to people for 20 odd years. can i blame them at all for thinking that when we r like a caged animal who cant fidn a way out i really cant

itsnfine dont worey i wont let things come to that point. but ifnsomehow they do i guess my point that well you all know i tried ans you all know that the fucker had it coming and i will try to figure out how to fit a phone up my hole in prison ans i'll keep blogging as long as none of yall snitch

^ none of yall better act like thats something serious im being a bit funny but honestly i do think this site is pro killing your abuser more than other sites at least on the hypothetical level which helps becuse a lot of you won't disagree with us feeling that way

id love to do it but i wont because i've talked about it and alluded to it more than enough to warrant premeditation charge, and i wouldn't be able to feign innocence to hide it for the rest of my life and id always be paranoid about it so its not worth the mental weight either

i used to worry a lot that he would snap and kill me and mama

i guess it could still happen but i dont feel as scared about it as i used to.

maybe because i feel that im old enough to maybe stop it or at least be really hard to accomplish

this will all mean nothing when i forget about it mostly in a few hours

actually i'll be going to sleep in a few hours

since my schedule is literally the opposite of this family because i need time to myself

hopefully my dreams will be kind to me

i was really upset yesterday because i had a vivid dream where i was being affectionate and romantic with a guy who committed rape on me

woke up super disgusted and went back to sleep until 6 pm about it to get a better dream

does anyone on here care if i call it that if it wasnt violently penetrstive?

to me its a gross criteria plus what are you supposed to call someone who did less that that

whatever

point is i hsted the dream

all my dreams are vivid

many of them are lucid which is lovely

when they arent lucid though sometimes its awful but still its very vivid and all felt as real as life

this isnt really relevant anymore

right now i kind of feel nothing but my tummy hurts a lot

love you guys

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what-if-nct · 4 months

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hiiii today's reminder is i absolutely do read your paragraphs like it's the morning paper,i love knowing what's going on with you and what you're thinking about. also i know these conversations are technically public but i definitely say a lot more than i would normally because it feels so comfortable. love you 💓

Hiii! I love you too!!! And yes it feels like a public private conversation. Like it's just us in a cafe together like there's people who walk by but like we're just talking. I consider all asks kind of like a huge slumber party and were just chatting and everything is pink and mean girls and Taylor Swift are playing in the background and it's chaotic but fun. But speaking of sleepover talk so the guy I'm talking to one well talk on the phone for like 2 -3 hours so often that last time that happened was in the summer and we were going to wait till later that week but he came and picked me up at 2am and we watched puss in boots and "cuddled" I remember him fondly actually. Like right in the middle of "cuddling" he called me cute. Which that is so adorable like that isn't the activity id think being cute would be possible. So that was the last time that happened. But with the current guy it's just the best vibe and fun and we laughed about raccoons for so long.

And okay I overshare obviously so in passing I brought up a few things that happened to me cause I told him earlier that day some guy was trying to hit on me and I just froze and didn't speak I was scared cause he was a lot older than me and he said is wrong for me to be talking to you which told me he probably thought i was way younger than i am. Cause I swear when I present younger it's always old men who be weird and creepy to me which is gross within itself. But I brought that up to him and told other instances that happened in the grocery store and i said im just probably being dramatic and he told me I wasn't being dramatic and only one other person has told me that she was actually the one who told what happened was really bad and she told me a few other things that happened to me were sa. But when I talk about it with therapists or other friends they're either dismissive, blame me, tell me to stop wearing short skirts, tell me I shouldn't have put myself in that situation and I just was never really allowed to process it so I feel like it's still unhealed and I still have a lot of anxiety about being alone in public unless it's somewhere that's mainly women. But hearing someone say I wasn't being dramatic I don't know it meant more than it probably should.

Oh also he said he was surprised I was so tall, so many people say that. So many people expect me to be shorter and I have no idea why. Also I'm not that tall I'm 5'8 so is my best friend and sister. But most importantly he has kept everything 110% innocent and sweet and I've never experienced a guy not immediately being interested in that. I started to feel like that was my only purpose but I think he actually likes me as a person, and my eyes started to water just as I said that. Okay I will stop here before I write a whole essay again. Oh I think I can show you what he looks like without actually posting a picture and I started watching this YouTuber just before I met the guy I'm talking about which is so weird that I just realized they look a lot alike like so much alike I had to bounce back and forth between their pictures.

The only difference is the guy I'm talking to, his face is a little softer. But the resemblance is uncanny even the hair and he dresses exactly like him. Also the YouTubers name is Seth Borden he's related to Lizzie Borden and he's a paranormal investigator.

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goremet-chef · 11 months

Text

vent. mind the tags

grieving with bpd is so... i wont say its worse or anything cuz im really not about that shit, anyone and almost everyone can and has felt this pain before, its a constant of life, but.. when im not actively sobbing and depressed and my mood switches up, it makes me feel so guilty. i should be spending that time in misery, i should be wailing and wiping more snot from my nose and my head should hurt worse like it was a few minutes ago, but yknow. emotional permanence n all that

its so funny, they keep trying to get me to believe in god, she says he'll show himself to me and ill find him my own way. i respect that she at least respects im not there yet (i dont think ill ever be truthfully but we can agree to disagree), but i just keep losing more and more, and any faith i had gets ripped away in an instant. there is no god worth worshipping, because someone worth worshipping would not put me through this pain again and again and again

3 pets dead within a YEAR. riley died june 29, 2022, talcum died in october of 2022, and now artemis, today. may 24. it hasnt even been a full year since riley died. i cant keep doing this man

i find myself less hopelessly despaired and choking on my spit wailing sad like the last two, only because im started to.. lose faith in everything. i feel cynical, it makes me MAD

because i did everything right this time. with riley, i made the mistake of even THINKING that it couldve been cancer, and then it was. i know that wasnt my fault, he had the tumor before i even came to visit and before we took him to the vet, but its still incredibly hard not to blame myself for that. talcum died of stress, because bruce kept jumping on his bird cage. i was so ashamed with myself that my MOM (who doesnt even view our pets as family, more like accessories) noticed talcum wasnt singing like he used to. i didnt even notice until the day after when my sibling was on the phone with every vet he could call to see if they took birds

i was optimistic this time, because it looked hopeful! it seemed like she would be okay, i told myself itll be fine and that we'll fix her up and she'll live longer because she deserves to. obviously that was completely useless because shes dead now, so none of that mattered. i didnt even get to say goodbye to her. i said bye when i left my grandmas house a few days ago, but.. its not the same.

i did everything right this time and obviously it didnt fucking matter because theres no fixing that. theres nothing you can do, death is the worst part of life and it never goes away. never gets easier, you can never outrun it. it makes me so sad that the ones who dont deserve it get it first. i know they were old cats but artemis wasnt THAT old. she probably wouldve lived happily for quite some time after, if everything turned out good. ive known them since i was 7. theyve been in my life forever, and now theyre both gone

god it hurts so much, it never gets easier. i just feel so hopeless right now. i wish i could freeze time, and we could just exist as we are forever. but i cant do that

#pet death #tw pet death #pet loss #tw pet loss #vent

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secretsfrommylove · 2 years

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i made this account because i need to vent. i think my boyfriend is abusive. i think ive known this for a while but its getting to a point where i cant take it and things need to change. i love him more than anything and will never leave him but i need him to be better. im tired of being constantly degraded and blamed because of his jealousy over me being sexually abused when i was younger. im tired of him always being angry and me always doing the wrong thing. im tired of him censoring all my conversations and not letting me hang out with my best friend and when i do accuse me of cheating the entire time. ive never fucking cheated. im tired of him constantly talkingn about how attractive other girls are but if i look at a guy he thinks im cheating. im tired of him going thru my phone and asking if ive had sex with every single fucking person we pass on the street. im tired of him hitting me or choking me or getting aggressive “as a joke”. im tired of being called a slut and a whore every single fucking day because i had sex with a couple people when i was 13. THIRTEEN. THEY WERE ALL FUCKING 16 OR OLDER I DIDNT HAVE SEX I WAS RAPED. im tired of you asking if they were better than you or had bigger dicks when i was fucking traumatized. im tired of being treated like shit and im tired of u getting mad at me when ur mom defends me because she knows i wont do it myself. im tired of apologizing when i didnt do anything fucking wrong. im tired of being scared ur gonna leave me at any moment because im not pure enough for you. i love you and ill never leave you but i cant live like this. ill never say this to you but please just fuckint get it you need a therapist youre so mean to me all the time. im tired of you being fuckint racist and getting mad at me because im a “dumb leftist bit ch” im tired of you invalidating every one of my fuckint points. im tired of you constantly asking for a break when you know that triggers me. im tired of you constantly hanging up on me when i told you thqt gives me panic attacks. im tired of you ignoring me everytime i try to ask you whats wrong and why youre clearly fucking mad. im tired of you guilt tripping me everytime i actually fucking tell you ur an asshole (2 times in over a fucking year of this). im tired of you acting like im the toxic one when its because im mentqlly fuckint ill and have panic attacks. im tired of you telling me i smell bad when u know i was bullied for thay for years and im tired of you making fun of me when im too depressed to shower and brush my teeth. im fuckint tired. i want you to change but idk how to tell you. i dont wanna leave you ur the man i wanna fucking marry and have a kid with but not like this. not without therapy and maybe medication. im not going to be abused and mistreated and walked over every fuckign day and put up with it like i did for the last year. ive been telling my best friend whats been happening wven tho if u found out ud break up with me and youre not the saviour u think u are. im not gonna deal with that shit. you need to grow up please just fucking go to therapy im so tired

#abusive relationship #help #tw abuse #advice #relationship advice #what do i fucking do man

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

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Hi there I’m looking for some advice and . Just someone to talk to about my dad. Content warning for… being subjected to an adults anger issues ig?? And physical violence (abuse?) and… sexual??? Something. Something happened

My dad was really nice for a lot of my younger years. I didn’t see him much because he works away most weeks since I was 3 months, but I made do with it. Then we started being a Saturday carer for someone. The entire Saturday was what he wanted. Macdonalds every week, and one set of bowling. I couldn’t refuse the macdonalds. I couldn’t go to the arcade area while the others bowled. But this was ok. It was still time with dad.

Sunday then became a day to visit nana. I love her and I would never change this. Then it also became the day grandma comes for tea. Then Saturday was also a day for grandma to come. Then Friday.

When I was in my young teens, my dad got sick. He had to have a surgery, which removed a gland which is partially responsible for controlling anger. Since then, my dad has been so scary.

He yells so much when things go wrong. He gets angry on the road and I feel like we’re going to crash. He got annoyed I was saying I needed to go to the hospital, that I was *dying* and told me to man up. I ended up hospitalised, on oxygen, drip in my arm giving me the fluids I’d spent days missing out on.

That was the first time I can remember him cancelling a work trip.

I’ve always been a daddy’s kid, because I barely get time with him. And he’s always been a gift parent, because he doesn’t know how to make up for how long he’s away. And he’s too scared to apologise for screaming at me and hurting me. He dislocated my wrist and my shoulder one night. He wanted to take my phone. I was left on my bed feeling violated and scared and in pain and I had to put my joints back in myself. I’m too quiet, he calls me “creeping jesus” and sometimes I’m just trying to get past him and he won’t know I’m there and he’ll whack me as a first response.

One time he sprayed salt water Inbetween my upper thighs, on my… feminine parts. because I wasn’t waking up fast enough. It sure did wake me up.

When he gets annoyed with me I feel so scared, but when he’s happy I feel so loved. Im so confused and scared.

He also just got a new apprentice and shes my age. She travels with him. I’m so jealous. He talks about her a lot. I want to be her so bad. I’d kill to be her. She’s taking my dad away from me. I hate her so much.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about the way your dad has been mistreating and abusing you. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

It doesn't completely make sense to me that the removal of a gland that "controls anger" is the reason why he mistreats you. Because in my mind, when something that has been partially controlling his anger is removed and as a result he has been tormenting you, that implies that those urges were there this whole time and he was merely holding them back. The process of behavior typically relies on desire, which is filtered before it is acted upon. When you remove that filter, every desire to act becomes action, regardless of what the filter would've stopped. So the removal of the filter isn't to blame so much as the origin of those desires, if that makes sense. So ultimately, I don't think it's his surgery that's to blame, it's himself. I think it's important to hold him accountable for his actions regardless of any medical procedures he's undergone.

There is no excuse for him to neglect getting you medical attention, exhibiting road rage especially with you as a passenger, physically abusing you, or not apologizing to you. That's hurtful and damaging to you and as your father he should recognize that.

I can understand how conflicting it feels to be fond of someone who also hurts and scares you in one moment and is happy the next. It's valid to have mixed feelings about your father. I hope that your dad can either better learn to manage his behavior or that you can reach a safe distance from him. I wish you the best.

If anyone reading this has any additional comments, it would be highly appreciated.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #trauma details #abuse #child abuse

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