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clove-pinks · 2 years

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A series of 8 tweets on the experience of being autistic and ADHD (AuDHD) by @pot8um on twitter, image descriptions below cut.

I saved these shortly after being dx + medicated with ADHD last year. It was the first time I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was also autistic. 1/8

AuDHD is a constant tug-of-war— contradictions that exist simultaneously that I feel equally strongly about.

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Making spontaneous plans”, R text: “Getting very upset if those plans are interrupted” 2nd row, L text: “Struggling to organize”, R text: “Having a strong need for order”. By @autistic.qualia]

Each of these are so familiar to me, but I could never articulate my experiences with the right language. Also, if you don’t know what you’re experiencing is AuDHD, you don’t know what questions to ask. You didn’t know you were even supposed to *have* questions! 2/8

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Impulsively making purchases for a new hyperfixation”, R text: “Hyperfocus on researching the products” 2nd row, L text: “Struggling to be on time”, R text: “Upset when others are a few minutes late”. by @autistic.qualia]

I have phases of hyperfixation with certain things, and lifelong interest in others. Successfully executed plans / tasks is always my goal. (The perfectionism is too real.) I always get frustrated when I inevitably miss steps, regardless of my attention to detail. 3/8

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Hyperfixating on a wide variety of topics”, R text: “Also having long term special interests” 2nd row, L text: “Forgetting steps in plans”, R text: “Needing plans to execute perfectly”. by @autistic.qualia]

I *love* trying new foods… until it’s a bad experience, then I clam up and am reluctant to try again. When it comes to food, consistency is vital to me. My brain is far more active than I have spoons for. Most of my ideas strike when I’m freshly overloaded and spoonless. 4/8

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Enticed by novel foods”, R text: “Hypercritical of food taste and texture” 2nd row, L text: “Wanting new experiences”, R text: “Wanting to stick to what I know I like”. by @autistic.qualia]

I tend to hyperfixate on things that aren’t central to the task at hand. (I don’t want to say “on the ‘wrong’ thing” because I’m on my self-compassion shit ) Discovering my neurodivergence during the pandemic was surreal. Severe boredom, severe overload, severe whiplash. 5/8

[image description: Two-column text inside arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, orange arrow, L text: “Misses details and makes mistakes on boring topics”, blue arrow, R text: “Notices small details and points out others’ mistakes”. 2nd row, purple arrow, L text: “Becoming easily understimulated”; Yellow arrow, R text: “Becoming easily overstimulated”. by @autistic.qualia]

Overthinking the stages of your emotional dysregulation is its own personal hell. When I’m lowest on spoons, I tend to ruminate the most. My thirst for knowledge is met by my shoddy working memory. I try recalling a fact that *I know* I read up on. Can’t. Frustration ensues. 6/8

[image description: Two-column text inside arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, purple arrow, L text: “Struggling from emotional dysregulation”. Blue arrow, R text: “Being a logical and analytical thinker”. 2nd row, orange arrow, L text: “Struggling to retain information”; Yellow arrow, R text: “Wanting to learn everything”. by @autistic.qualia]

It’s hard for me to Start the Thing. Once I start, I NEED to ride that wave! If I’m taken out of the moment, idk when I’ll be able to start back up. If I don’t say what I’m thinking *while* I’m thinking it, it’ll be forever lost. (Trying my best to work on this. It’s hard!) 7/8

[image description: Two-column text inside purple and yellow arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Having difficulty sitting still”, R text: “Hypersensitive to other people fidgeting”. 2nd row, L text: “Interrupting others when they are busy”; R text: “Hate being bothered while in hyperfocus”. by @autistic.qualia]

Please note: • These traits are infinitely more nuanced than a few tweets can possibly cover. • I do not speak for the entire autistic community. From @autisticqualia on IG, an outstanding AuDHD awareness account.

[image descriptions: a box of text at left reads “Having both ADHD & autism can sometimes feel like there are contradicting forces within you. Traits that seem incompatible on the surface can exist in the same person.” A box of text at right reads “Everyone with ADHD & autism is different. These are the contradicting traits that I personally experience as someone with both ADHD and autism.”]

It's uncommon for me to see someone discussing the experience of being both austistic and ADHD, and this was articulated so well, I feel like it also describes my experiences. (The author is also an advocate for late diagnosis AuDHD adults, who has shared her experiences about working with dismissive, misogynist doctors.)

Bearing in mind that every individual is different, as noted by the tweet author, I feel like I am more autistic than I am ADHD, despite my ADHD diagnosis (and these two developmental disorders have many overlapping traits, of course).

I have never, ever understood the experience of "ADHD boredom" that I have seen some people describe. I am perpetually overstimulated, not understimulated, and I stuggle to process experiences and find enough time and space. Executive dysfunction also prevents me from starting/enjoying activities, as is typical with ADHD. It's not just a thing that makes it difficult to work on stressful or boring tasks; it prevents you being being able to commence fun things, like reading for enjoyment or watching a TV show you want to watch. And when I do manage to start the book/TV show, the stimulus is often overwhelming and I don't get very far.

#autism #adhd #audhd #actually autistic #actually adhd #late diagnosed autistic #late diagnosed adhd #pot8um #shaun talks #disability

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takemebacktowheniwassane · 1 month

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i've been seeing a lot of falsettos posts recently deconstructing the fandoms beliefs and firstly

holy fuck thank you, i try to steer clear of fandom (and fandom-izing thereof) drama but this is getting a lot more visible recently so here's some little tidbits for you

whizzer brown is not an unflawed character!

okay so i haven't seen enough dissecting this but!!! in the chess game!

the whole point of marvin using that game to determine the ending of their relationship is because he suspects whizzer is constantly deceiving him and wants to prove it.

whizzer LITERALLY proves him right!

he asks marvin to help him along (yes i know he says he doesn't want help, hear me out, it's a little more complex than that) and takes advantage of the fact that marvin is- like- infatuated with him.

he draws him into a sense of false security then starts throwing accusations at him ("since you need a man!" "what?" "who's 'brainy'," "or witty, move.") until hes able to win, which he does with ease because he's been using marvin having this idea that he isn't smart against him.

of course, marvin's side of this isn't the best either but honestly, for once the fandom should focus on a different character when they think 'insane asshole'. typically we should also probably change our perspectives a little to be more unbiased cuz fr guys, this is getting really.. annoying.

i understand he's the most visibly flawed but that doesn't excuse constantly picking the worst parts of this musical (without other context, btw) to use against him.

and this post certainly isn't here to excuse anyone either i've just got a lot of opinions that i wanted to share while falsettos is.. trending? right?

2. marvin's (headcanoned but still somewhat researched) autism

this one isn't brought up as much but when i do see it around, it's kind of a skewed viewpoint.

while rewatching bits of the proshot i realized a lot of different neurodivergent traits that he shows-

he's helpless during I Never Wanted to Love You and is childish and regressive when he's upset (not every autistic person is like this either, i know this is a bit of a touchy subject so i just wanted to add that).

usually when people depict it i see it either toned down or joked about which is fine when all in good fun, and when its done respectfully.

not here to attack anyone, just here to point it out and say that yes :) he most likely is neurodivergent, but despite that his actions aren't condoned. he's still kinda a dick who needs to get his shit together

3. ..the lesbians also have shit going on?

just putting this out there- I DON'T SEE ENOUGH FOR THE LESBIANS! OR TRINA!

the girls in this musical are like thoroughly neglected and i think that's kind of shitty just assuming the fact that william finn put them in to demonstrate how gender roles put people in degrading positions (and he even makes it more prevalent by showing marvin as something like a misogynistic character who forces whizzer into more feminine roles to show the audience what woman have to/had to go through in society).

anyways, the lesbians aren't just there guys. they have a plotline too. in Something Bad is Happening, you derive a lot from charlotte singing about the outbreak of HIV/AIDS and realize how she operates on a daily basis (she's passionate about her work and takes every bad day as a hit to her life and career, explaining in a way that as a black, jewish, lesbian, FEMALE doctor in this time, everything that goes wrong is immediately brought down on her so much more than it would as any straight white male pharmacist-).

cordelia on the other hand has to handle the fact that her girlfriend is so adamant about her work ethic that she can't actually be super present in their relationship at times like that.

but either way she still sticks by her and is constantly trying to be supportive and endearing despite feeling like she's not amounting to her gf who's basically a hero in her eyes.

i kinda just wanted to bring that up because they mean a lot to me and they don't get enough love from the fanbase, thank you for listening to my TED talk <3

#why did I spend 20 minutes typing this #rant #whizzer brown #falsettos #marvin falsettos #charlotte falsettos #cordelia falsettos #hhhh

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dissociacrip · 9 months

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i'm gonna spare the op of that post my adderall-fueled ranting but tbqh i wouldn't say being disabled affects how i perceive my gender identity so much as its impacted how other people gender me, and then that informs my perception of my gender identity. it's not purely an internal thing.

autism and ADHD, for example, are associated with things like poor volume control and generally "boisterous" behavior (though not every person with these conditions exhibit these behaviors, of course.) a lot of behaviors i exhibited as a child (and still do today) in relation to being autistic and having ADHD are ones that are considered "masculine" and this is part of the reason that i've been read and i'm still often read as not-female or at least not feminine/girly/womanly by my peers. and that is something that has definitely affected my gender identity (aside from the fact i have various bodily features that are conventionally understood as "masculine.")

that's just scratching the surface though. i've seen this mentioned sometimes on here before but not often. there are some disabilities that i would say are very much gendered while others are kind of degendered instead (or in addition to), in that people who are disabled in certain ways are pushed out of womanhood or manhood or "acceptable" understandings of gender by external forces for a variety of reasons related to their disabilities.

intellectual disability. other (neuro)developmental conditions. certain intersex variations that lead to disability. other conditions that affect the structure or functioning of the sex organs (because gender is also wrapped up in one's ability to sufficiently "perform" heterosexuality, which is also wrapped up in normative ideas about how to perform intercourse.) reliance on mobility aids. limb differences and other structural differences. paralysis.

that's not even close to a complete list.

Because I'm a wheelchair user, people see me as incapable of having a gender identity, so often they will correctly avoid using gendered language or pronouns to refer to me, but it's not because they're recognizing and respecting my identity as a nonbinary person — it's because they think my wheelchair automatically makes me genderless. It's not misgendering as such, but it's degendering, and it's a different kind of harmful and it's part of a larger system of ableism that considers me less of a person because I'm disabled and a wheelchair user.

( "Here's What Transgender People With Disabilities Want You To Know," Buzzfeed )

idk where i'm going with this. generally the ways in which disability impacts the way someone is gendered or someone's gender identity are super complex and difficult to map out + something that is very wrapped up in the way external forces affect us in relation to gender.

there's a multitude of ways to have a "wrong" body (or "wrong" behavior in terms of how behaviors are gendered, which is more often the case when we're talking about psychiatric disability) and both womanhood and manhood are wrapped up in normative ideas about bodies, bodily functioning, and what someone does with their body. perceived deviations from normative ideas about those things irt disability are not only punished on the basis of being a "failed" person (not being abled) but often also being a "failed" woman/man.

#cripple punk #cpunk #this post mainly focuses on physical disability so i think that tag is appropiate but--#j #ableism

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drdemonprince · 27 days

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Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.

I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.

Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life.

Hey, nice to hear from you again!

I totally feel you. When I told a friend years ago that I thought she might be a BPDer, I was incensed that she ended up not taking that comment well. I meant it in an affirming, pro-Mad-Pride kinda way! I was a BPDer too! if she thought it was bad to be BPD, what did that mean she thought about me?

But I was looking at it the wrong way. I had just hurled a still very stigmatized label in her direction as a response to her complaining about real relational struggles in her life, which felt diminishing and presumptive. Telling various people in my life that I'm pretty sure they're Autistic can have a similar effect, even if they're on board Autism acceptance as an idea.

I used to fixate on the time I lost not realizing I was trans or queer or whatever the fuck I am yet. I had a vision of an older me materializing before me at age 16, specifically on the corn-lined roads I used to bike up and down furiously, and imagined telling myself the Truth of who I was and what I had to do to be happy. I believed that if i had known I was trans younger I would have avoided a lot of upsetting relationships, eating disordered periods, and general angst.

Now. I am pretty damn sure that is not true. It turns out that being trans was not a solution to all my problems, it was just another problem that I had. In the sense that it's a challenge to navigate on this bitch of an earth. if i hadn't chosen to be trans i would have chosen some other shit to do that also would have been a major pain in the ass i'm sure. that too would have been an interesting back story.

I dont think I was ever going to be outgoing and unneurotic and breezily well adjusted. That's not my lot in life. Feeling a little uncomfortable in my body and around other people is as definitional a part of me as my wit or my weird laugh. I can kinda love that about myself now, or at least accept it. nothing and nobody actually could have saved me. its just not that simple. but it's been a pretty interesting life.

i think we tend to impose our self-narratives onto other people when we are not happy or we are harboring deep regrets about having gotten something wrong or missed something in the past. but we cant spare our friends those journeys. they should get to have them. it's interesting and enriching to get things wrong, be in denial, cope in elaborate stupid ways, soul search, change our minds, miss something, find something, never know what's true.

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snakeautistic · 4 months

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One of the things within the autism community I find the most offputting are the self aggrandizing ideas you see floating around about the character of autistics.

That we are ‘the next step in evolution’, inherently more moral than NTs, inherently more intelligent than NTs, should be the ones to run society, ect. Now as a lighthearted joke, like “autism makes me cooler than the masses” or like “NTs are annoying.”- it’s whatever- punching up as a marginalized group isn’t bad. But the problem comes when people begin to genuinely believe they have more value based on their neurotype.

I think we have to understand that is inherently not healthy to put marginalized groups up on a pedestal like that. It may seem better to single out minorities with positive stereotypes, but what it really does is serve to further ostracize them. (A similar example to this is the ‘model minority myth’ when it comes to East Asians!) Even if this notion comes from inside the community, it’s not acceptable because it’s simply wrong. Autistic people are, well, people. We are just as capable of being shitty and being good as everyone else. To suggest that we aren’t is in a way denying us full personhood. (Now, this isn’t even getting into the way this sort of autistic supremacy myth completely leaves out and further maligns individuals with higher supports needs who perhaps aren’t seen as quite so ‘exceptional’…)

This isn’t to say that Autistic people don’t often have unique attributes and skills. A common thing mentioned is how a lot of seeming geniuses/ innovators were likely autistic. Broadly speaking, there are some areas where Autistic people are at an advantage over NTs. But there are also, of course, plenty of other areas where we aren’t. I do suspect that there were certain evolutionary factors that lead to the development of the autistic neurotype- I doubt that some of its traits are simply a ‘defect’. But this doesn’t make it ‘the next step in evolution’ at all, it simply means that autistic people should have an equal place in society.

#neurodivergent culture #neurodivergent community #autistic thoughts #autism community #autistic community #autism #neurodivergency #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #autistic #actually autistic #neurodiversity #asd #autism spectrum

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aubeystawby · 11 months

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I loved your autistic reader headcanons. this doesn't have to be a request, it can be some back and forth (like a conversation because I absolutely love diving into stuff like this) I'm curious what else these characters will do/act as a result of the readers autism. I'm bad at wording things so I'll get to the point. Hobie canonically isn't consistent because he dislikes consistency, but maybe a reader with autism needs routine and consistency, so how will that change their dynamic? another example is pravitr, as stimmy and cool as he is he might be too loud and the reader might get easily overwhelmed. gwen and Miguel might not be able to figure out what the reader wants/ needs if they're non-verbal or are struggling to speak their mind. what will jess or malala do when the reader is so hyperfixated on something they neglect their own needs. This isn't exactly a request for a part 2 but you're the first person who posted about an autistic reader (that I've seen) so I'd love to maybe talk about this with you and get ideas because it's exciting. I know talking about this here might not be the best but if you're totally cool with it I'd love to just talk about these ideas elsewhere.

Oh this ask has absolutely made my day, I have SO many thoughts on these characters with an autistic reader and I'm soso happy to have someone to talk about it with.

With Hobie I feel like it leans towards a bit like what I said with Jess but even less structure. like i feel like thered have to be a compromise between hobie and reader (which would be a whole ordeal in of itself if youre anything like i am when it comes to having to compromise with things like this) where maybe every fortnight they have to figure out something set-in-stone like hanging out or something? ALSO i know a big thing in lots of reader insert fics people like is the trope of the spider-person randomly showing up at reader's house/apartment with injuries and (ofc all of this differs person-to-person) i feel like thatd have to be a no-go with these characters and an autistic reader, like for me i feel like thatd be such a huge disruption to everything itd probably be the trigger for some sort of downwards spiral. but i totally feel like thisd be a hard thing for hobie and an autitic reader to navigate bc even right now its hard for me to thinking of possible solutions yk?

Youre totally right about Pavitr and I feel like he'd honestly get it wrong a lot of times (which is not at all his fault), and he can be observant but he also might not pick up on the correlation between him being extra loud/energetic and reader's sensory overload? this also makes me think of things like the headcanon of spider people having enhanced sensory stuff leading to them sometimes also experiencing sensory overload — which isnt really a hc i have for pavitr specifically but i feel like on some level he might relate a bit? or maybe hed pick up on reader's reactions because hes seen it happen with other spider people before bc of that heightened senses stuff? I feel like he's a big physical touch guy and is a bit unsure with how to comfort someone if they do get sensory overload bc they might not want more sensations, which means no touching, so comforting/helping with that might be a bit difficult to figure out for him in that regard?

Ohhh boy gwen or miguel with a reader who has run out of words/in general isnt very verbal would certainly be An Experience. they both DO care but ohhhh there is SO much trial and error through it all.

gwen likes silence but also feels a need to fill said silence at the same time, saying the first thing that comes to mind, so like an autistic person who finds comfort in parallel play's worst nightmare. thats something that she'd probably have to be talked to about pretty outright, bless her heart she can just be so awkward and unsure of herself that she might just not pick up on why you get so frustrated with her trying to fill every silence, probably thinking you find it annoying bc of something she said and not bc you just need/enjoy the silence.

I can just imagine miguel just. watching so awkwardly and overthinking with a reader who isnt very verbal at the moment/isnt At All. hed probably ask them a question over and over and Over Again thinking that might help somehow? i feel like he goes through verbal shutdowns maybe? but doesnt really acknowledge them/know what they are, or is never around people when it happens so hes never really had anyone try to help him/communicate him when it happens meaning he has no experience to like draw from when it happens to you and hes on the other side of it?

jess feels a bit like a 'takes no shit' person to me (not in an extreme way but i kinda just get those vibes?) but is also very understanding. if reader is for some reason neglecting basic hygiene or taking care of themself shes at a bit of a crossroads and would need to kind of see how they feel a bit more, because she knows 'tough love' sometimes works with certain people, but a lot of the time its harder/more complicated than that? I'm still trying to get a good understanding of jess's character at the moment so id love to hear more of what you think abt her

As for Malala i feel like she has experienced neglecting taking care of herself a bit before, from being extra busy or stressed etc, but not really in the way an autistic reader might. shed probably go through a whole variety of things to try to help, and also just feeling a bit guilty knowing how hard it would be for them once they get out of this low point and have to face everything they missed/neglected? thatd really feel discouraging for her i feel. i feel like shes also the kind of person who yes, understand that she cant fix everything for you and sometimes a professional/adult needs to get involved, but she also really wants to try her best to help, and might get a bit overwhelmed in the process

(I leaned into this more being a conversation rather than an official part 2, but im totally open to writing a part 2 if thats something people might want!! Also as for the convenience for where to talk abt this, im happy to just chat here, i dont mind!!) (though if you want anon it Would be a bit helpful if you chose like an emoji/identifier so ik its you if you send any future asks 😅)

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nom-noms-things · 1 year

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Okay so fic recommendations from me! Also absolutely no t*cst some of you are ew

Crossovers and 2012 fics

When the world crumbles - by Starryeyedace3/@tmnt-obsessed-ace (if you are uncomfortable with getting tagged then please tell me)

Quick explanation: 2012 and rise crossover which the 2012 kraang do another Invasion and the boys go through the portal to get to dimension x but they get to the rise dimension and leonardo is going through it

Sunshine of the woods - again by Starryeyedace3 or their tumblr name

Quick explanation: rise!mikey gets sent into the 2012 dimension in early season 3 and the boys will help him get back home when they get back to New York

Lost but never found - again by Starryeyedace3 or the same tumblr name

Quick explanation: 2012!Leonardo gets sent into the rise dimension and gets amnesia and rise leo quickly becomes his new friend and basically wants to protect him

They also have another au called same story different font in their blog check it out!

The algae is always greener on the other side - by ObsidianCreates on ao3/@obsidiancreates (if you are uncomfortable with getting tagged then please tell me)

Quick explanation: crossover between rise and 2012 and they watch their own shows that's basically it

The last ronin becomes a discord admin - by MelonPalooza/@melonpalooza (if you feel uncomfortable with getting tagged please tell me)

Quick explanation: ronin becomes a discord admin and 2012, 2003 and rise are there too its just a silly discord fic

Wedding bells and magic portals - again by MelonPalooza

Quick explanation: capriltello wedding and rapmona have babies that are gonna hatch, then a portal thing happens and they are in the rise dimension

We are infinite - by celestron_oOo on ao3!

Quick explanation: 2012!leo gets sent to the rise dimension and meets his counterpart but it's good! Also gram-gram training!

The question is violence and the answer is pizza - by anonymous on ao3!

Quick explanation: 2012!donnie makes a group chat with rise because he lost a bet and then he quickly realizes that making the group chat was a good thing, also 2012 crew are like parental figures for rise

Sunset linings - by @iamheretemporarly (if you are uncomfortable with being tagged please tell me)

Quick explanation: 2012 boys have to defuse the mutagen bomb but get sent into ronin's dimension

Shredder's Vendetta - by Cass_Phoenix on ao3!

Quick explanation: super shredder tries to posses leon and the 2012 boys help him and his brothers to get rid of super shredder

Two souls - by virgilisspidey on ao3! Also in tumblr

Quick explanation: 2012! Leo fucking dies in his own dimension and is now a parental/brother/mother figure and only rise!leo can see him, he renamed himself aoi, also they sometimes rewrite some of the rise episodes with aoi in them!

Now to the non crossover fics! 2012 time!

Fusions - by AmevelloBlue on ao3!

Quick explanation: after the episode of plan 10 a weird device appears and I just love this idea

What is wrong with me - by averie_sol on ao3!

Quick explanation: 2012!Leonardo has autism (just like me frrr) and is transfem, also aprilnardo!!!

Deadweight - by MorikoTheHalfAngel on ao3!

Quick explanation: 2012 season 3 fix it fic where Leo's healing is more realistic its good!

Breaks And Cracks In The Surface - by Deiohx on ao3!

Quick explanation: another season 3 fix-it-fic!

Fuse box - by alltheyears on ao3!

Quick explanation: leonardo centric but his brothers are worried about him

Terminator - by KawaiiNinja on ao3!

Quick explanation: mikey's T-phone gets accidentally mutated and sends the boys to the among us game, also this is after season 4 (also it has a lot of violence)

The shock of victory - by sailor_the_robot on ao3!

Quick explanation: they get back to the lair after beating super shredder, raph helps leo get the blood off

Ashes - by sklyully on ao3!

Quick explanation: timeline takes place at "follow the leader" but it's with leonardo almost dying, read it! It's good!

All that bends also breaks - by runen on ao3!

Quick explanation: leonardo with ptsd and trauma almost dies in the lair if he didn't call mikey, so basically leonardo tries to heal himself

Never love an anchor - by ILOVEDYOULIKETHESUN

Quick explanation: 2012 season 1 finale which leonardo almost drowns if the brothers didn't save her, also uses she/he Pronouns!

Blah Blah Blah - by WhaleSharkPrince on ao3!

Quick explanation: I know the name of the fic is missliding but the fic is very angsty and uh I cried yes, also leo uses she/her Pronouns! Uh hahah yeah..where's the tissues

Fearless leader - by Evesbese on ao3!

Quick explanation: after splinter passed away leo just suggest they go to the farmhouse and uh the others and him are not taking it very well

Where it all began - by @probably-not-a-rutabaga on tumblr and their ao3 is TinyPotato02

Quick explanation: I don't wanna explain the whole fic so I'll just say that splinter raised leo as a soldier instead of a son and told him to ignore his brothers

Late night conversations (In a Bathroom from the 1980s) - by hopefullysimple on ao3!

Quick explanation: the brothers are just chatting in the bathroom and share childhood memories

Drifting away - by fireworksinthenight on ao3!

Quick explanation: follow the leader episode fic!! A lot of self doubt, depression and wating to not lead anymore, leonardo just goes through a hard time

So yeah I'm a dad now - by RavagedRed on ao3!

Quick explanation: 2012!raph becomes a dad to a 4 year old girl who got mutated into a turtle tot and her name is Lita

New Stars (happy hearts) by Tirayed on ao3!

Quick explanation: transfem leo fic! She tells raph first and gets so scared to tell the others but they're just happy they have a sister, also!! Leo's knee injury!

Whoa this took so long and I just love those fics!

Now I'm gonna go and take a snack goodbye! <33

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allhappyandgay · 1 year

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Gay mike, autism, and his signature grimace.

[most images used as examples were taken from @howtobecomeadragon because they were already compiled in this wonderful series for easy access so thank uuu teehee]

The Mike Face. we all know it, we all love it, but do we all understand it? to some degree, yes, but Im going to pull apart it’s insides and look at it under a magnifying glass because it honestly kind of confuses me sometimes—almost like its the wrong facial expression to make 👀—even though it usually works in our favor (gay mike).

The main consistency is that he does it when he doesn’t understand something. but not that he doesn’t actually know what something means, more that he doesn’t understand the logic behind it. and it pisses him off.

This is a very common experience for autistic people, we often get agitated by our lack of understanding and feelings of confusion toward things that nobody else seems to question. or similarly, why everyone else understands something, when you don’t, or can’t, no matter how hard you try.

It can make you feel “othered” or maybe even less than, compared to your peers. everyone is confused sometimes, and everyone gets frustrated from being confused sometimes! but the difference is, when you just can’t seem to grasp the reasoning for things over and over again, and are made to feel bad about it, it can result in the person feeling broken or hopeless (which lucas literally calls him for not getting his metaphor for an opportunity to talk to his ex girlfriend).

honestly it’s probably one of mikes biggest insecurities, he’s ridiculed by his own friends for not understanding simple things that come easy to them, for being oblivious to things, being ‘blind’ to things, constantly.

Mike just so happens to make this face a lot when things having to do with girls come up. especially in s3 when lucas is trying to guide mike in his relationship with el, something he seems to know a lot about and understands easily compared to mike. almost everything lucas says to do, mike just simply doesn’t get. but again, it’s not that he doesn’t understand the words coming out of lucas’s mouth, or how to do the things he’s telling him. he’s confused by his own disinterest and lack of motivation to do what lucas is telling him he needs to do in order fix his relationship with el, in contrast to lucas, who is completely confident in his methods. he doesn’t understand why people would do these things, or why they would actually work.

And I think this also shows just how well he actually knows how to go about these situations in a way that works for him, because he does it flawlessly with will every season.

In s1 we see him do the Mike Face (that’s what i’ll be calling it for consistency) before being presented with anything having to do with girls, he hasn’t even met el yet. this gives us some lore of the expression (lmao), and let’s us see what it really means before attaching it to anything specific (like distaste for women).

Here we see him grimace in response to bullying:

If we apply what i’ve already said about the expression, he clearly doesn’t understand the bullies’ motive for making fun of them, which reflects his personal values. re: “so? the x-men were weirdos,” and “I think it’s kind of cool. it’s like you have superpowers or something,” etc. which is kind of obvious, most kids who get bullied don’t agree with it, but why have him make this face in response to it rather than anger or fear or something. instead he looks at them like he’s smelling something bad lol. he just looks so confused, like, ‘why? why are you doing this?’

Mike rarely makes fun of his friends. he only judges their motives, reasoning, approaches, plans, and ideas. which also plays into how his understanding of other peoples logic is shown. mike is always the one to make a plan that works, he doesn’t dislike other peoples ideas because he didn’t come up with them, he dislikes them because he can see the flaws in them. mike can create a perfect plan that takes everything into consideration. because he is autistic. 🤭

(btw Im not saying every single person on the spectrum is a fucking genius that can detect every inconsistency in any given situation lol mike is just shown to be good at the devising part of plans in the show, and why have that as one of his strengths if not to show how his brain works, just like other characters having strengths in different areas to show how their brain works)

And I know he’s also just simply upset over the fact they’re getting bullied in the first place, nobody wants to go through that. but it’s the presence of this specific repeated expression that will give us some background for future reference in the different circumstances it shows up in.

So the main things that repeatedly invoke the Mike Face are:

things that go against his principles

attraction to girls

love at first sight

When somebody does anything that goes against your own principles, it’s hard to understand why they would, or could. that’s what makes them principles, they’re things you stand by because you just can’t see it any other way. for example, think of something like premeditated murder. this (most likely) goes against your personal values, which makes it very difficult for you to understand why someone would do it.

The other two are pretty obvious in that they’re things some people simply don’t experience (which says a lot about mike if you know what I mean teehee). as we all know, it can be harder to understand things that we don’t personally experience ourselves. that is the thing that all of these have in common: mike not understanding the reasoning behind them, and his difficulty in accepting it. which is very autistic of him lmao.

Mike is not canonically autistic, but he is very coded, and if we take that—whatever the in-show equivalent to autism is—into consideration, the extent to which mikes confusion surrounding these things goes compared to his friends makes a lot of sense,*which also greatly plays into the disposition of his arc. lucas dustin and will all disagree about things sometimes, but they get over it fairly quickly. mike on the other hand is dramatic and has a hard time letting things go, which is why there is emphasis on him being confused as shit all the time! lmao

Anyway, what that means is there is a purposeful tenaciousness to the things that result in the Mike Face. they’re supposed to stick in your head, the things he doesn’t understand/like/agree with.

This is the reason it’s so obvious that mike was lying in his monologue to el despite the absence of the Mike Face (although, he did look pretty close to it a few times lol), because that would be way too on the nose, literally. instead they have connected the characters recognizable grimace with a motif in the show: love at first sight essentially equating them to each other in your head.

love at first sight? does. not. compute.🤖

We are shown time and time again that mike does not believe you can like or dislike somebody you haven’t known for very long, and so have the writers themselves. these are only two out of like four different examples throughout the show:

And surprise surprise, the Mike Face.

Now circling back to mikes difficulty understanding lucas’s instructions in s3 pertaining his relationship with el, this clearly belongs in the aforementioned area: attraction to girls.

There’s a lot of this in s3 as you can see, but it’s definitely present in every season. even 1:

^mike after reassuring el she’s pretty.

There are so many more instances that Im not going to put here because I don’t have room but that simply proves my point, you don’t need to see them. because it has been so drilled into our subconscious through the association of these two things in the show (and many others), that if you were to visualize mike flat out stating “I like girls,” it’d be really, really weird. because, other than el (supposedly) …since when?

Alright. we all know the phrase ‘friends don’t lie’ lol. this was technically created by mike, so telling the truth between friends was recognized in that moment as one of mikes core principles. if we take that and apply it to moments he’s lied to in the show, the Mike Face will be there as well because we’ve established it as one of the main things he cannot abide.

The only exception to this is when he himself lies, which makes sense because he can understand his own reasoning for it, and validate his lying based on that. but anyone else does it and it’s:

*What other character is shown to have so many strong opinions on things that other characters just don’t really care much about? It is to contradict what the casual viewer sees and hears, because as we know, a good portion of stranger things fans have mikes character all wrong. either because they trust his actions blindly (ga), or they misconstrue his behavior to their favor (milevens), or both! this was done so that when mike has his character arc in s5, despite what we’ve been shown, it will be clear that the opposite was true all along. the patterns that our subconscious picked up on will become evident.

Im not at all saying there’ll be a big reveal that mike is autistic in s5 lmao, his coding just has a lot to do with his character and gives an explanation (other than the heaps of unrelated evidence that he’s autistic) for why he makes such a big deal out of these things (girls, lying, love at first sight), or has such a strong reaction to them in contrast to other characters. because it needs to be very clear that he disagrees.

Basically what Im saying is mikes autistic traits help in demonstrating his hidden queerness through a single facial expression. lol what a sentence.

#I love picking at this boys brain #he’s such a well written character #mike wheeler i know what you are #mike wheeler #gay mike wheeler #mike wheeler autistic coding #autistic mike wheeler #mike wheeler queer coding #byler #byler endgame #anti mileven #my analysis

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monstertidbits · 8 months

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hi i loved this finale very much i love falin and im so happy shes back...... also im obsessed with the choice to make laios forever unable to indulge his monster autism, and making him king. ITS SO INTERESTING i love this direction even though it sucks for laios, maybe there is something to be said about how you don't always achieve the thing you want most in life and that's okay, and the life you live is still worth a lot.... and also it's so something to me that laios is being such an adult about this, like yeah he wishes he was having fun doing his own thing and he really doesn't want to be king, but SOMEONE has to and unfortunately for him he's the absolute best candidate (((PRECISELY BECAUSE OF HOW WEIRD HIS PRIORITIES ARE))), so he'll do it, AND HE'LL DO IT WELL, he'll be the awesome, competent and kind ruler, but he'll still be kinda sad and mopey about not getting what he wanted. LIKE HE'S SUCH A GOOD KING, he brought so much good into this world, but he doesn't get particularly high and mighty about it because he doesn't really care that much about being a king. HE'S SO CHILL ABOUT IT!!!! motherfucker really ushers in a time of prosperity and peace, and he's still just sitting on his throne thinking "man.......... the monsters will NEVER hang out with me........... what is this life......." I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUUUUUUUCHHHHH i love that his whole future thjng is not getting what he wanted at all but absolutely excelling at the thing hes doing (that doesn't really do anything for him). absolute icon and my personal hero

NONNIEEE YEAHHH!!! I remember back when i first read ch60 and i was like "wait... this feels wrong", not liking the idea of laios becoming a king bc i knew it wasn't what he "really wanted". but now, after reading how he actually got to that point, it makes sense. and it's still kinda bittersweet. because we know that his interest in monsters was amplified and became all consuming bc of his struggle to connect with other people, feeling alienated everywhere he went. so not being able to interact with monsters much anymore and being a king of other humans is actually forcing him to face all those fears and struggles he was running away from all this time, and learn to define himself outside of his expertise. watching the best and worst of humanity so very closely as their ruler, and finding his own place among them. but the thing is, he always had a home to return to in the few people he loved. and that's why, through all the hardships and pain, it's still worth it. he was ready to have something taken away from him and quite literally had to give up his most defining trait. so who is he now? can he manage without the comfort of monsters?

the answer is yes. he is not alone. and it may not be the most satisfying conclusion for him but it might be what he needed most. to learn how to live in peace with his own self, with the world surrounding him. and all being said, it was pointed out time and time again: how he wasn't really planning for the future, how he didn't have any strong conviction leading him. but it all changed after he killed his sister with his own hands. i think chapter 67 was a defining moment in laios's journey for many reasons, but especially this: for once, he chose not to run away. he decided that HE will be the one to challenge his fate and bend it as he wishes. otherwise, he could've given up on resurrecting falin long ago. but he didn't, not just for the sake of his sister but those people who put their faith in them and tried their best FOR them. it's ironic, how it was precisely inside the monsters' world that he was finally able to connect with the humans he despised so much in the most genuine way. and after facing the absolute worst, he can definitely find in himself the strength to deal with anything, king or not. so like you said- the man is gonna be fine somehow. i love him so much

#btw nonnie u made me laugh out loud thank youuuu💕#asks #anon #dungeon meshi

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witchessrose · 2 months

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Hey, if you have multiplicity could you please spare the time? I'm a questioning system and desperately need input.

I know the internet can't diagnose me, but I'm hoping people who may know more could help steer me in the right direction, or at least affirm to me whether or not I should start the process of reaching out to doctors for a potential diagnosis. I just dont know who to talk to about this. And fear talking about it to people I know because I'm so afraid that I'm,,, faking it??

What I'm looking into right now is Partial DID or maybe even OSDD? Keep in mind I was diagnosed with autism about a month ago before I finally started really noticing/growing awareness of somethings ive been in denial of.

-For example the talking to "myself" and getting immediate responses

-Talking back and forth with "myself", sometimes accidentally speaking outloud without realizing it

-I previously believed myself to by psychic because often when I ask myself questions in my head "someone" will answer me, often with information I wasn't aware of myself. I am now questioning if I've ever actually been a medium...

- I thought this was my echolalia, and maybe it is (if ur an autistic system maybe u could tell me if u relate for reference?) But often my mind will repeat different names to me. To the point where it can be very frustrating and distracting. The two names they tell me the most, is Penelope and Jasmine.

- I have different versions of myself that help with different situations. There's also a mean one, which is one of the few versions of.. Me? In my head that I don't associate myself with. I don't see that one as me, the way I can see the other ones as me.

- I was recently diagnosed with a "cognitive dysfunction of unknown origins" which is basically my neurologists way of saying she has no idea why I have forms of amnesia. While I am always... Somewhat... Present, I rarely remember an entire week, let alone parts of the day. Down to conversations I'm in the middle of having. I also can't remember most of my childhood.

- I sometimes feel like im in a video game, and the world around me will start to feel very fake, and small, like I'm everywhere. And I'll have to very manually control my body. The other day this happened when I had to perform a function on a very mentally draining day. Go to the store. To me, I want to say, someone else helped bring me to the store, because I wasn't really there. But at the same time, I was. Its this that conflicts me, but I found out that sometimes a person can be stuck in front? And wonder if that's what I'm experiencing.

-When I get in those states I often describe it as "being in autopilot" I will complete entire tasks without being aware of any of the process or fully remembering it. I'll be there, I'll know if was done, but my body did it for me. Again, because its not complete amnesia, I wonder if this could actually just be me in autopilot.

There's a lot more but I feel like I'm dragging it, I don't want it to be too long because I'm really hoping for some actual responses.

I'm afraid that I've tricked myself. Or being inconsiderate to ddiagnosed systems with these questions in anyway? Its not like I'm determined to have it, I just want to know what's wrong(for lack of a better term) w me. I haven't told anyone about this, I just want to know if I'm imagining this all in my head, or if other systems can relate to any of this?

#partial did #did osdd #osdd #pdid system #dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #dissociative disorder #autistic system #actually did #questioning system #multiplicity

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minthara · 2 months

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really long personal answer to an anon i got. trigger warnings in the tags.

First of all i wanna apologise to everyone who follows me for the last few days lmao, but i feel like if i dont post about it im literally gonna kill myself. I need somewhere to write down my thoughts because i feel bad always going to the same 2 friends i still have and complain about the same situation again and again about a dude they dont even know that well.

Thank you so much for ur message really, and sorry if im gonna take it as another excuse to write down all my thoughts, but i think it will really help me.

So the pathetic thing. I didnt ever post about this and in real life i think only like. 3 people knew. But after we broke up i begged him for months to take me back. It really was pathetic. And when he called me pathetic i think he was just very very hurt, because that was the second time i broke up with him (just a few weeks ago). It was in the sense of me begging him for so long just to break up again a few months later. I feel fucking stupid even writing this. I spent about 10k euros trying to get away from him, it fucked up my life so massively that i lost a job i really loved over it.

And now my new job is about 5 minutes away from our old apartment and i think thats a huge reason why i cant get over it. Every day i walk past restaurants, the supermarkets, anything we went to together. I had to buy snacks for work today and just burst into tears in the fucking supermarket because we used to go there together. The people at work are always so appreciative bc i know the area so well but they dont know how much it fucking hurts me and its so stupid like. Should i just avoid that part of town forever??? No fucking get over it bitch like wtf its a fucking supermarket.

And it also hurts because i know i wasnt always perfect and there were many times i was super mean to him. But at a point i couldnt deal with his ADHD anymore and that sounds so shitty but im a super organised person to the point where sometimes i wonder if thers anything ocd related but i dont think so. In my head i swap between i have ocd, i have adhd, i have borderline, i have autism - i have no idea whats wrong with me, but the way i feel cant be normal. I know this because the way i behave isnt normal, i know i can come across as really strange, i cant judge social situations well and often dont know how to behave. But i constantly criticised him for symptoms of his mental illnesss.

But i never physically hurt him, and that was the last straw for me, why i left. I dont know how u can do that to a person you love.

And im just mourning the life i thought i was going to have so, so, so much. I know on tumblr ppl somehow think youre brainwashed when you want a traditional marriage and kids and stuff, but i really thought that was going to happen in the next 2 / 3 years, thats how i planned my life since i was fucking 21 and i met him. And now im almost 27, and i cant even go on dates because i cannot bear talking to new people because all i want is a clone of him but better.

I know i will look back at this and think “u cried about THAT guy???” in a few years, because thats how its always been in my life lol (except for one relationship, but were still really really best friends). I always think afterwards i will never love someone that much again. But it hits so much harder because it was such a serious relationship lol i really wanted to marry him. Sobs lol.

#asks #anonymous #abuse cw #suicide cw #i feel so much better after writing this down lol #blondshell salad on repeat if u know u know

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