#idk man this is scary to post a put... a lot of myself in here
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who could stay? (you could stay.) (eddie munson x reader)
summary: you're convinced that being loved comes with a cost. he finds a way to prove you wrong. (wc: 9.7k+)
order up! i've got one ash's special for anonymous. ♡
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Agree to run that errand for someone. Offer a shoulder to cry on for that person. Fix that problem for this friend. Keep going, keep offering, keep becoming indispensable.
You couldn’t pinpoint the exact age you’d figured out the formula. You can never know for sure if the day was sunny or if it were rainy, if it were a calm December morning or a buzzing July night, but those details aren’t very important. The only important detail is that you had finally cracked the code at some point – you had finally figured out the solution to feeling unlovable. And that was that, truthfully, there wasn’t a solution. Once you were destined to feel this way, to feel so sour at your core, there is no easy way to rid yourself of that rotten pit. It would always be there – always churning, always burning, always yearning. Yearning to be loved, yearning to feel those waves of warmth cascading over your brain and down your spine, the ones others had always described to you but you’d just never… experienced. Never became familiar with.
It felt like everyone was playing an over-elaborate prank on you. They’d all conspired against you, invented a false feeling in which someone claims to feel loved, only to sit back and watch as you fumbled to find it. They’d laughed as you dug through a graveyard of relationships, caked your fingernails with dirt as you sobbed and would continue to claw deeper, trying to find just one set of bones that might hold that warmth for you.
The only solution to that detrimental feeling of being unlovable, was to feel needed.
You needed to feel so necessary, so essential, to everyone around you at all times. It never mattered how much of you it took. You’d give away every piece of yourself a million times over just to feel wanted at some capacity, even if that capacity were one you’d forced upon the other person. You didn’t care if you’d built the glass cages of theirs – you just cared that they kept you around to wipe away any smudges that appeared.
Being wanted wasn’t quite the same as being loved. And if you thought about that for too long or too often, you might just break irrevocably.
“I just don’t understand him,” Nancy sighs from the head of your bed, reclining against a wall of pillows you’d lined your headboard with. Two of which were body pillows. Long tubes of fluff to try and fill lonely spaces, you suppose, “Why didn’t he just tell me he didn’t want to go to the same college? Why… Why do I feel like I am forcing him to be with me?”
Because you are. Just like I force you all to need me.
“I don’t know, Nance.”
That bland, bitter, half-thought out answer lingers on your tongue, almost burns your throat with the whisper of say more, say something useful, say something comforting. It’s the whisper of those four words not being enough. It’s the whisper of that threat that those four words could be the beginning of the end, the thing that makes Nancy realize she doesn’t need you.
After all, what use is a friend that can’t give good advice, or be supportive during relationship rants?
You open your mouth to add on something sweeter, something to coat the conversation like honey and smooth out the lines forming on Nancy’s forehead, but she beats you to it, “I’m sorry, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”
Yes. “It’s fine,” at least that wasn’t a lie – you’d dug this specific grave, had rooted down tooth and nail only to find another empty coffin of a friendship curtained with want instead of love. You’d all but asked for this, “What he did really was shitty. It’s not fair to you.”
The words are almost robotic, telling Nancy Wheeler what she wants to hear rather than what she needs to hear. You don’t always do that, you do make a point of investing in the truth from time to time to truly secure your position as someone who is genuinely needed in her life, but the headache nagging at your temples tells you it’s not worth the fight tonight. You’re tired, you’re agitated, and you really just want to get Nancy to the point of contentment in her rambling so that you can send her on her way.
God, you’re an awful friend.
It turns you quiet, a ricocheting thought that bruises your inner skull the rest of the time Nancy sits on your bed. The guilt eats you alive for that moment of irritation the rest of the night. Even after Nancy goes home, even after you’ve brushed your teeth and you’ve tucked yourself into bed. The guilt gnaws on the edges of that emptiness inside of you, that ever-present black hole that already existed, and says this is why you cannot be loved.
Maybe the pity party for feeling like a bad friend is what makes you a bad friend.
And maybe if you were a better friend, you would be loved instead of wanted for once.
It’s all part of a cycle, never-ending and treacherous. It’s always been this way. You make promises to your friends and rip yourself to shreds before remolding yourself into whatever they need; giving rides to the younger kids within your circle to the pool all summer which evolved into taking turns with Steve as to who would pick them all up after their D&D club ran late every Friday night, always lending a listening ear to Nancy once Johnathan moved away and she’d had to witness her relationship and her love vanishing in real time, always being the one person who will listen to Robin ramble for hours about her sudden interests. None of it was born of ill-intent, but when you’d go home lonesome at the end of the night, you could see it all for what it was.
You were trying to fill a void. A hollow rot, a black hole. And it was only working half the time.
Half the time, until he came along.
And make no mistake, his arrival was as bloody as anyone who had previously entered your life. For a while there, you believed his headstone was at the end of the line already, sanctioned away in this graveyard of the ability to be loved. He came crashing into your life on a random Friday night, and you had sworn you could already see the end as it began, but you had been wrong.
“So, you’re the infamous babysitter.”
His voice caught you off guard. You’d been sitting in your car with your windows down, enjoying the reprieve of a cooling autumn evening as you waited for the boys to finish up with their D&D club. With your head buried in the latest sci-fi novel that Dustin had recommended and would no doubt be grilling you on once he got in the car, you hadn’t even heard the club exit the school.
“Nope,” you fought a smile as you glanced up from the pages to see an older guy standing there, closer to yours and Steve’s age than the kids. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that this was the famous Eddie all the boys would ramble on about for hours on end, “Harrington’s the babysitter. I’m just the taxi driver.”
There was something particularly pretty in the way he threw his head back with laughter at your words. Curls that messily fell just beyond his shoulders, full lips disappearing as his teeth peeked through and shined beneath the parking lot’s lamp posts. His denim vest looked purposefully distressed with a mirage of patches and pins, and he was wearing a leather jacket beneath it, even if it wasn’t quite cold enough for it yet outside. He was cute – and watching him laugh because of you sparked something irreversible inside of you.
“C’mon now,” he sighed as his cackles quieted, “Give yourself more credit than that. At least call yourself something fancy, like ‘chauffeur’.”
“Ah, but ‘taxi driver’ insinuates that I charge them,” you don’t miss a beat, and your quick wit has him chuckling again.
You caught sight of his eyes, corners creased with joy – brown. They were deep, russet, tantalizing brown. Almost indiscernible from his pupil in the dark.
“I’m Eddie, by the way.”
You took his hand that he shoved through your open window with ease, and felt an immediate shiver run down your spine. Not quite from the cold, but not quite warm. You saw the first flash of his grave, and you knew you’d be digging your greedy hands into it soon enough.
As you gave him your name in return, you knew you wouldn’t be leaving well enough alone.
You had been half right that night. You wouldn’t be leaving well enough alone, you would be seeking out the impossible from Eddie – but so would he.
It quickly became apparent that Eddie was a pest. Someone who weaseled his way into the lives of others, who made his presence felt and never forgotten.
You’d started with the same slow dance as you did with every new person, a hesitant dipping of your toes into their waters, unsure if your presence in their life would only cause more trouble than you’re worth, when you quickly discovered that nothing could ever be hesitant or slow with Eddie Munson. He’s the one constantly reaching out to you. Driving the kids home now takes double the time it used to, long conversations being had with him that has the kids dragging you away, practically begging to just be taken home. The day he’d asked for your number, you couldn’t tell which one of you burned brighter red. And the moment he had your number in his clutches? Forget about it. You never heard the end of Eddie Munson, and you never really wanted to.
Unlike your friends you already had and loved deeply, Eddie was observant.
It’s within the first month of knowing you that he had picked up on your insecurities. Maybe he hadn’t directly seen that gaping hole in your chest yet, but he noticed your habit of running yourself dry to see others thrive.
The need to be needed. He picked up on it quickly.
“What about Sunday?” Eddie’s voice traveled over the line as you laid on your stomach, stretched out across your bed for a few moments of rest before you had to get up and take the cookies you’d baked for Steve and Robin into Family Video, just like you had promised, “I’m free then if I finish all my fuckin’ homework on Saturday night.”
Surprisingly, that phone call with Eddie hadn’t been something expected or planned. It had been impulsive; in a rare moment of peace, you found yourself craving to hear his voice. Somehow, the two of you had ended up trying to figure out a free day to properly hang out. Eddie wanted to go to Benny’s for milkshakes, and you wouldn’t turn down the free fries he also promised.
“I can’t,” you paused just to hear his predictably dramatic sigh, grinning as you continued to explain, “I’m taking Max to the skatepark that day.”
“And it’s going to take all day?”
“It could!”
“There’s absolutely no way.”
“You clearly haven’t seen that girl skate.”
The conversation continued, light-hearted enough with plentiful jokes made. Something about talking with Eddie made your heart lighter, the usual unbearable and contradictory weight of emptiness no longer on your mind as you listened to him ramble about something that had happened in one of his classes – a teacher tried to embarrass him when he caught Eddie doodling for a D&D campaign by asking him a question, not expecting him to know the answer. Eddie had, of course, leaving the teacher baffled with a smirk.
It’s all about my charm, sweetheart, he responded when you asked how he hadn’t earned a detention from that.
Only towards the end of the call, when the conversation finally lulled and the two of you found yourselves settled into a comfortable silence, did Eddie finally circle back to the beginning of your conversation.
“You know,” he started, “When I first met you, I never took you to be someone so…”
“Amazing? Wonderful? Funny?” you jokingly attempted to finish his sentence.
“Busy.”
Oh. You hadn’t expected that one.
“Busy?” you repeated back to him, “I’m not that busy.”
Your mind immediately started racing with thoughts of what he had meant. Was he feeling neglected? Maybe you should have canceled on Max on Sunday, agreed to Benny’s with him instead. No, you couldn’t bear Max’s disappointment. Maybe you could tell Max you had a time constraint, even though you knew she hated those when it came to her skating days. Was there any other plans you could abandon? Anyone else you could bear to let down for the sake of not leaving Eddie high and dry? No, no – all your other weekend plans involved going to the movies with Robin, helping Steve look into colleges finally, taking the boys to the Starcourt mall to shop for supplies to make figurines for their newest campaign. The room was suddenly getting smaller, your chest constricting, your head spinning. You couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing any of those people, no, but what about Eddie? Maybe he was right in feeling neglected, maybe you deserved whatever guilt was to come from whatever his next words would be. He was your friend, you were supposed to make time for h-
“Sweetheart,” he scoffed over the line, and you swore you heart stopped right then and there, “You’re the highest thing in demand since Cabbage Patch Kids last Christmas – and trust me, I should know how in demand those fuckers were. I worked seasonally at the mall, remember?”
Your breath caught. He was feeling neglected. You weakly began your apology as tears were already filling your eyes, that panic turning over itself in your gut, “I’m-”
“And it’s not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong,” It’s clear your voice had been too soft, too weak, for him to hear you, “Just means I’ve gotta fight harder to be worth your time, am I right?”
You had to clear your throat, but it did nothing to subsidize that anxiety that rattled your bones. It’s blatantly evident as your voice shook with a second attempt at an apology, “I’m sorry, Eddie. I didn’t mean- I can… I’ll… Just tell me when for Benny’s. I can make it work, I swear-”
“Woah, woah, woah.”
He had to have heard the tears that had escaped down your cheeks. The shake of your breath as you’d stuttered over your words, grasping for a solution.
“You don’t need to apologize for that,” his voice was soothing and soft, the most gentle it had been the entire night. You pinched your eyes shut and just tried to imagine those stupid, big doe eyes, those ungodly messy curls (you’d started to tease him about if he ever even brushed or combed them). The panic remained, but Eddie’s voice started to give it a run for its money, “I was just playing around. You know that, right?” he paused to give you room to answer, but your throat was still tightly squeezed by overwhelming emotion, overwhelming fear of having scorned Eddie, “You could only have enough time in your schedule to see me once a year, and I’d still be your friend. We could only have these random phone calls, even if they were never longer than a minute, and you’d still be worth it. You know that, right?” Another pause, another wave of silence from your end, “Sweetheart, you don’t owe me your time. And I don’t need monopoly over it for us to be okay.”
Each word made the panic settle. You weren’t sure how he did it. You weren’t sure how mortified you should be that he had only been in your life for a month at most, and had just overheard you at your most vulnerable.
All you were sure of was that you believed him.
“Okay,” you croaked, finally feeling that ring of fear loosen, vocal chords finally functioning once more.
“Okay,” Eddie repeated back in that same gentle, soothing, soft tone.
You weren’t disappointing him. You weren’t making him feel neglected. He still found use for you, he still wanted you around – he still needed your friendship. That had to be enough.
It was quiet over the line for a few moments.
It has to be enough, you reminded yourself.
“Say,” you finally said, voice back to normal strength and the tears having dried themselves up for the most part. Your heart had almost returned to normal rhythm, “How does Benny’s sound tonight?”
“Tonight?” he chimed back, sounding as excited as a little kid the morning of a cherished holiday, something like Christmas.
A shiver ran down your spine. It’s not from the cold, and you tell yourself it’s not quite warmth – it can’t be warmth.
“Tonight,” you confirmed, “With a detour by Family Video, if you don’t mind. I’ve got a special delivery of cookies to fulfill.”
“What kind?”
“Excuse me?”
You were grinning - God, you were a pathetic fool, grinning and clutching onto that phone like a lifeline. Like if you let go of it, you’d lose his voice, and if you lost his voice, that would be the end of the world.
“What kind of cookies?”
“Chocolate chip.”
He hummed, not answering right away as if he were deliberating this information. When he finally spoke again, another shiver wrapped around your spine, spinning down, down down. Waves of what you almost believed were warmth. “Okay. I suppose I can be your taxi driver, for a price.”
“What’s your price?”
“One cookie.”
“Deal.”
It had to be enough, because you were still clutching that telephone tightly to your cheek, long after the phone call ended with Eddie’s promise of being at your house soon enough. It had to be enough, because after that night, it became clear; the world would not end with the loss of just Eddie’s voice from your life, but the loss of Eddie, period. It was the first night of many in which you played a very, very dangerous game.
Even with Nancy gone, you felt restless. You couldn’t help but linger just a little longer in all that self-pity, still replaying the night and all you could have done differently.
Had she caught on with how out of it you had been? Had she seen through your act and immediately assumed the worst – assumed you weren’t worth keeping around?
The thoughts might be an overreaction.
You were definitely overreacting.
You didn’t really care that you were overreacting, though, because you really couldn’t control it. It was just another dark path you couldn’t stop your mind from traveling down. It was endless, and it was lonesome, and… and it was just normal. What should be devolving into a panic attack can only settle like an emptiness deep within your chest; you’ve been staring at the blank wall of your living room for so long without blinking, your eyes have gone dry.
A pattern. That’s what the therapist said. You had a pattern for overthinking these interactions, for projecting feelings onto others that didn’t exist. You think all your friends hate you, you think that a stranger found your smile to be more of a grimace, you think your mom hasn’t called in months because she recognizes you as a failure finally. But none of it is actually what those people think. It’s like a mirror – you look into the eyes of others, and you see all your own insecurities reflected back.
She’d asked you to work on it. To take a step back and just breathe, just remind yourself of that, whenever this happens. You’d decide whether you’d mention this minor slip up later. For now, you were going to wallow. You were going to spiral with just you, this damn blank wall, and maybe even the bottle of wine in the fridge.
Yes, your mind was made up, and you force yourself to stand from the couch and wander into the kitchen, eyes still dry and chest still caving in on itself as you open the fridge.
That’s as far as you get. Your fridge is wide open, the bright luminescent light flooding your kitchen floor in time with the trickling chill that sneaks up on your warm cheeks and already numb toes, when you spot it.
A box of takeout. It’s old enough now you could throw it out, you had known the moment he’d taken the last of his meal to-go that he wouldn’t finish it. Teased him about it, even. But he was stubborn and you weren’t capable of turning down the opportunity to let another piece of him, another flash of evidence of his place in your life, occupy this apartment. So there it sat, a half-eaten burger he hadn’t revisited.
But he had revisited the apartment – revisited you. He’d been here every night this week, and you’d practically had to shove him out on the street to get him to leave this morning to get to work on time.
The edges of that emptiness that weighs down your insides blur, already lightening microscopically as you slam shut the fridge and forgo the wine completely to grab the phone instead.
“You don’t have to always take care of everyone, you know,” he murmured as he joined you in the kitchen to retrieve popcorn for the gang, everyone gathered in the living room for a movie night.
“Pardon?” you asked, hardly glancing over your shoulder as you punched in the designated time for the microwave to turn the kernels into an easy, mouth-watering snack of butter and crunch.
“You always take care of everyone. You don’t have to.”
His words rang clearer that time, loud enough to have stopped you in your tracks. You paused mid-reach, the cabinet for the Harrington’s bowls wide open and shelves nearly too tall for you.
“I-” you weren’t sure exactly what to say, “What do you mean?”
His brows scrunched, eyes having narrowed in the slightest in your direction, “Please don’t play dumb right now.”
“I’m not playing dumb. I’m trying to get popcorn for our movie night,” you waved your hand towards the shelves lined with bowls for emphasis on your point, “That’s not really taking care of everyone – it was just being polite. Steve’s hosting, it’s the least I can do.”
“The least you can do? The least you can do is actually just sit with friends, enjoy the movie,” the crease between his brow deepened, eyeing you with an unfamiliar concern. You shifted beneath the weight of his gaze.
You don’t know what to say. Except, “It’s not that serious.”
He scoffed, and you nearly flinched from it. Fear threatened to bubble up – he’s upset, he’s getting irritated at you. He’s getting tired of you.
You waited for him to say something more as the buzz of the microwave filled the tense space, but he remained silent. Brooding.
“What?” your voice shook, your entire being torn between succumbing to all that fear and anxiety in upsetting him further and that voice in the back of your mind that urged you to push him, to hear what he really thought. “I know you have something more to say.”
“In the six months I’ve known you, you haven’t taken a single break for yourself.”
He met your push, stood his ground and didn’t let it put any distance between you two. It felt like a goddamn revelation, right there in the Harrington kitchen.
“I take plenty of breaks, Eddie,” you tried to laugh off, “I do spend time away from you all, hard as that may be to belie-”
“Hardly,” he cut you off as sharply as the first resonating pop that echoed from the microwave.
“What’s your point? I just like being around you guys. Like I said, it’s not that serious.”
This was the part where the distance would happen. You kept pushing, took the inch he’d given you to bite back and ran with it. Normally, you avoided conflict with any of your friends vehemently. Always afraid, always assuming the relationships to be so fragile and so delicate. You would take such care in never giving them a reason to hate you that you’d never taken to a battleground before.
But there had been a look in Eddie’s eyes that night. A shine that, breaking through all the worry for you, whispered, fight with me. Stand your ground with me. I’ll still call you tomorrow, no matter what words we exchange tonight.
A safety net had formed that you’d never even noticed. That delicacy wasn’t needed here. You could pick up the sword, there in that kitchen, and it wouldn’t turn Eddie to smoke and shadows.
“My point is…” he paused, he swallowed hard, he exhibited the delicacy that was usually expected from you, “You can like being around us. But you should put yourself first. At least once. At least on movie night.”
“How is me making popcorn not putting myself first?” you got the question out, you took a deep breath, ready to go on some sort of defensive tirade for your habit you were well aware of.
He beat you to it, “Every day last week, you only got three hours of sleep, at most, before your shifts. You gave up sleep to hang out with us all way too late, refused to throw in the towel and go home before anyone else.”
“I could have napped-”
“You didn’t nap,” he stressed, taking a step closer to you. The popping of the snack turning in the microwave was erratic, mere seconds left on the timer. Static noise to the conversation at hand, “I know you didn’t fucking nap after your shifts because you were immediately running errands for everyone else, or hanging out again. You offered to give Robin a ride to work every single day, and her shifts start… what, an hour after yours ended? And then you had to give her rides home, right? But in those hours she was at work, you were helping Dustin with an essay for school – that little fucker told me all about it. You were awake when Johnathan called you and we were all stoned off our asses, went and got us food we didn’t need but still wanted. We didn’t even expect you to pick up, you know? I told them, I swore to them, you wouldn’t pick up. You had a morning shift. You were scheduled literal hours from when we called you. But you picked up. You fucking picked up, and you went and got the fucking food for us fucking idiots.”
Your brain completely malfunctioned. You couldn’t comprehend how he was saying all of these things that should be good things, things that proved you were needed and you were reliable, but with such venom in his tone.
Anger had sparked within you as you pictured how giddy Dustin had been over the B he’d earned on his essay, that sincere appreciation on Robin’s face every time she left your car last week, the dopey grin that Argyle had worn when you’d arrived with their food order in your pajamas. All previously things to fuel you, filling that aching hole inside of you, now being tarnished because he was concerned.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” you seethed at him, “Would you prefer I hadn’t been awake? Would you prefer I let Dustin just… get a fucking F on that essay? Or Robin walks to work?”
“Yes!”
You were both shocked at the sudden volume in your voices. The quickness in his reply. The quiver in your lip.
“Yes,” he breathed out, quieter this time, “I would prefer those things if it meant you were taking care of yourself. The word ‘no’ should be in your vocabulary, sweetheart. I… The world doesn’t end just because you don’t constantly make yourself available.”
But you all needing me might.
“Just… just…” your breaths came out in huffs, eyes downcast and unwilling to meet Eddie’s stare. A final push, and it came out more fragile than you’d ever intended, “Just mind your business, Eddie.”
He opened his mouth to say more, but the microwave started to go off, signaling what you saw as the end of the conversation – the fight. You’d raised your voice at him, you’d swung that sword in his direction, and he hadn’t vanished. His friendship – he – wasn’t as breakable as you’d thought.
You spun on your heel, you took the popcorn out and divided it into bowls for the group, busying your hands in any way possible. All the while, he never left the kitchen. He stood just feet away from you and let you do what needed to be done, and only stopped you as you turned to exit the kitchen with the snacks acquired.
His hand caught onto your elbow, “You have bags.”
“Excuse me?”
“You have bags under your eyes,” he elaborated. He no longer looked frustrated, but defeated, a morose distress pinching the edges of his feature.
“Jesus,” you were now scoffing, adjusting your grip on those bowls, “You really know how to compliment a girl, don’t you?”
“They’ve been there for months,” his grip refused to loosen, thumb trailing over the crease in your arm, “Please don’t run yourself into the ground.”
You gave him a cold shoulder as you left him behind to rejoin your friends, unable to shake his consternation. It was so genuine, it terrified you. It made your insides churn, it turned your anxious attachment to dust.
It made a shiver of warmth travel down your spine.
The empty space beside you on the couch only remained for seconds after you’d passed around the bowls, keeping one for yourself. He was back there, back at your side, as if the two of you hadn’t just exited a battle ground. As if a stand-off hadn’t just occurred, as if it all hadn’t ended in a draw.
He looked at you with those eyes.
Fight with me. Stand your ground with me. Don’t walk away from me. I will still call tomorrow.
He did more than call that night. As the movie started, he didn’t so much as flinch when your head fell to his shoulder in exhaustion. He only tucked an arm around your shoulders, only shifted you to be more comfortable as you used him as a personal pillow. He glared at everyone in warning not to grill you on the plot of the movie when you’d awoke mildly disappointed, he’d let you sleep on the drive home. He never once brought the fight back up.
And he still called the next day.
After your shift, he was the first voice you heard after dragging your feet into your apartment. A brief apology was exchanged before it was back to business as usual between you two. And somewhere between his rambles, you fell asleep with your phone balanced half-haphazardly between your cheek and shoulder. You could only dream of the grin he wore when he’d hear your soft snores over the line, quieting down immediately to let you rest. He never hung up – he was content to sit on a hushed line if only for the assuredness that you were finally resting.
The warmth no longer traveled down your spine, instead curling up timidly near that hole inside of you. You let it.
“Munson residence!”
That warmth that had found home in your chest still remains to this day, rousing at Eddie’s voice over the line. It’s nearly enough to make you cry – the relief that floods you just by the sound of him and his endless chipper. His optimism that always seems to exist, even in contrast with those harsh edges he tries to portray.
“Eddie,” you whisper, as if you’re not the only one in your apartment, “Can you… Are you free?”
Even after a year, you still sometimes felt guilt, asking so much of him. Asking so much, and giving so little in return.
But you weren’t the one who set that standard. Eddie had. Ferociously, fiercely, stubbornly. The insistence that you simply being was enough for him.
“For you, sweetness?” he chuckles lowly. He recognizes your voice immediately; you never have to say it’s you calling. You could have shrugged it off as Caller ID, but you knew the Munson’s phone didn’t have that. No, he recognized you by voice only. He’d once joked that only you would one day be able to rouse him from the dead, based on the ‘sweet melody alone’. Recognition in death – you had managed to burrow your way so deeply into his life, you’d earned recognition in death. “Always. What’s up?”
You could have just kept him on the phone. Had one of your infamous conversations about everything and nothing. Sat on the cold tiles of your kitchen and smiled like a child as you listened to him rant. But the cold chill of your lonesome apartment was becoming suffocating, and you remembered that take out in the fridge and the way one of his socks had ended up in your laundry last week. You remembered how you started keeping his favorite brand of beer in your fridge and how one of your pillows started to permanently smell like his aftershave.
He had a toothbrush in your bathroom. He had a key to your apartment. He had a space, here, in this lonesome apartment. And all you had to do was beckon to him, and he would come to fill it. Always.
“Can you come over?”
You don’t even have to explain yourself. He complies readily, whispers out a soft yes in the voice you’d also recognize even in death, and promises to be there within ten minutes.
He makes it within eight.
And you’re still leaning on your kitchen counter, your head still swimming dangerously with all the different ways you’d let down Nancy. Once upon a time, you might have worried about inviting him over, worried that your anxieties and your short-comings might bleed into your relationship with him. In the beginning, it had been simple enough. You kept him at an arm’s length away the moment you realized you couldn’t make yourself needed to him, not out of selfishness but out of fear. Fear, because if he didn’t need you, why would he stick around?
Because without need, if you did the wrong thing, there was no necessary thread tying them to you. Because without need, there was no chance for the day that you might find love in your grave robbings, and you couldn’t handle the thought of someone like Eddie Munson deciding you weren’t worth his time.
It hadn’t occurred to you for a very long time that maybe, possibly, you’d been going around the concept of love with a very wrong mindset.
Your safe place. That’s what the back of the van had become over these sticky summer nights – your safest refuge.
It was always the same scene; Eddie on his back beside you, lazily nursing a joint, while you sat up reading passages of the latest book you two had embarked on together. Sometimes it was poetry, sometimes it was fantasy, and sometimes, it was just a reread. That night, it was a reread. The Hobbit.
“‘I don’t see that this will help us much,’ said Thorin disappointedly after a glance. ‘I remember the mountain well-’” you recited off of the page, when Eddie suddenly sat up abruptly and snatched the book from you.
“No, no, no!” he wagged his finger at you after he discarded his joint into the ashtray you’d made him start keeping in the fan, “Sweetheart, you’re doing the voices all wrong.”
You rolled your eyes at him, reaching to take the book back, “Not all of us have a Dungeon Master voice to whip out, Munson. Give it back.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Do I need to say please? I’ll say please.”
It was best like this. Just the two of you, away from everyone else. Some nights, the two of you hadn’t even needed a book to bond over. You’d just gaze at stars, or indulge in whatever weed he’d brought along with him. He never pressured you, though – if you shook your head at his offer of the joint, that was that. He seemed to apply that to most aspects of your friendship this last year.
You never had to prove anything to him. He saw your worth as if it were glaringly obvious, as if it were as simple of a concept as breathing. No extra effort needed from your end.
Just by being, you had managed to become something important to him. He needed you, if only because you were you.
“The puppy dog eyes aren’t gonna work on me,” he snorted, shifting so that his shoulder pressed against your own. A warmth spreads from the point of contact. “Let the master show you how it’s done.”
You tried to not let it show, but your grin was radiant. He was the master at those ridiculous voices, at theatrics and at bringing the story to life. You were transported from the shore of Lover’s Lake, in the back of that stuffy yet comforting van, to meadows of soft grass and hobbit holes of comfort. To a place where all the threats were mythical and all the expectations of you were released.
You’d spent the week helping Steve finish up his college plans. His parents had tried to pressure him into picking his top three universities, but the moment he had confided in you that he might prefer a community college to begin, you’d held his hand as you guided him through the process. A rewarding process, have no doubt, but it had left you numb and reeling. Sharing someone else’s stress, shouldering their burdens – it had been a bit much.
You needed this. You needed Eddie’s ridiculous voices and the sharp press of his shoulder against your temple.
“Falling asleep on me already?” he teased when he’d noticed how quiet you had gone.
“Never,” you lied through a yawn that quickly exposed you.
“Liar,” he huffed. You didn’t even need to glance up to confirm the smile you knew he wore. “We can head back home, if you need. I know it’s getting late-”
“No,” you quickly sat up, effectively making yourself dizzy, “No, I- It’s fine. I’m awake. I swear.”
“It’s okay that you were falling asleep,” he was quick to reach out, to tug you back down to his side, wrapping his arm around you to press you even closer than before, “I just don’t want to keep Cinderella out past Midnight.”
“It’s barely ten.”
“Nothing gets past you, Sherlock,” he scowled as you pressed your grin against his t-shirt clad shoulder, “I’m serious, though. Do I need to take you home?”
“No, Eddie. I’m good.”
“Swear it? Swear you don’t have an early shift, or some… some obligation?”
“No shifts, no obligations.”
“And if I just kidnap you for the weekend? Am I going to have an angry mob at my doorstep, demanding your service?”
You smiled wider at the thought. The idea of him hiding you away, letting you live in this reprieve for the entire weekend. It was a nice thought, “I certainly wouldn’t complain.”
And so the two of you sat there like that for an hour more. Eddie coming up with ridiculous tones for the various characters, you slipping in and out of consciousness as his warmth stayed wrapped around him. You don’t even notice when the warmth he’d planted in you finally covers up that hole inside of you, not even missing the absence of that emptiness until Eddie went quiet.
In the silence, you noticed it.
The gash you’d grown accustomed to, the hole that had become an extra limb for you. Vanished. Gone. Disappeared without a trace.
It was a sudden and terrifying realization. Everything in you urged you to jump up, to scramble around you to find the darkness again, like a comfort blanket you couldn’t stand to lose. You went against the instinct, though, and rose slowly from Eddie’s hold.
In lieu of scrambling, you peered at Eddie curiously. “Hey, Eds. Can I ask you something?”
He nodded sleepily, almost as drowsy as you. You’re shocked when he shifts and instead of pulling you back to him, he opted to lay his head in your lap.
That hole was still gone. The weight of his head on your thighs, the feeling of his breath on your bare thigh. For a moment, you can’t breathe.
You’re warm. Not uncomfortably so, but encapsulated with an internal warmth. Like a fever spreading, the ice in your spine that you had lived with for years had begun to thaw.
“Why do you keep me around?” you whispered, still sitting stiffly, staring in awe down at the way he just nuzzled his face into your lap.
With his eyes still closed, face smooth from any worry from the question, he mumbled, “What do you mean?”
You only hesitated due to the thought crossing your mind; what if you bringing this up reminds him?
You thought back to the night in Harrington’s kitchen. The push and the pull, the bloody battle and the way he still called.
He was not as delicate as you took him for.
“I- What do you get out of this?” you couldn’t figure out how to phrase it correctly. You knew what you got out of this, but what does he get?
“Get out of what?”
“Get out of keeping me around.”
His eyes finally opened, twisting in your lap so that he could stare up at you. “You say that as if you’re forcing me to be your friend.”
I could be, that nagging voice in your mind whispered. You could very well be forcing him, and just be blinded because you were enjoying the summer of warmth that he carried with him too much to let him go.
“You never let me do anything for you,” you sighed, fingers finding themselves tangled in his roots against better judgment. But you needed to touch him, to ground yourself, as you admitted this hard truth, “You do shit for me all the time. You drive all the way out to this lake just because I complain about everything being too much. You’ve started playing chauffeur for the kids to give me a break. Harrington said you even offered to look at college brochures with him. And…. And I’m not stupid, Eds,” your voice shook as you looked down at him, a sudden feeling of undeserving striking you in your chest, “You do so much for me lately. And you don’t ask for anything in return – you don’t let me do anything in return. Why?”
His smile twisted with a hint of sadness, and brown eyes met your gaze without so much as flinching, “Sweetheart, why do you think you have to repay me for that stuff?”
“I-”
“No, hear me out,” he reached up, taking your hand out of his hair and lacing his fingers with yours, slowly dragging it down to rest on his sternum, “I chose to do that stuff. And, yeah, maybe I was trying to take some of that shit off your plate. But you didn’t ask me to. I chose to. I wanted to do those things, do nice things for you, because you won’t let anyone else.”
You bit back a scoff, “I let people do nice things for me-”
“You really don’t,” his hold on your hand tightened, “You really, really don’t. You constantly…. You just, you take care of everyone else, but you act afraid to let someone take care of you. People are allowed to take care of you, too, y’know? You should let them. They love you – they want to take care of you, just like you take care of them.”
They love you.
The air drained from your lungs in a slow, silent sigh. You waited a few minutes, but the oxygen never replenished as you tried to grasp his words.
They love you.
Why would they love me?
“Why wouldn’t they love you, sweetheart?” Eddie looked more concerned now, suddenly prepared to sit up and remove his head for your lap. But his hand still held yours tightly, still clung to you, “You know they love you, right? God, you gotta know that. We all love you.”
You hadn’t realized you’d spoken the bitter thought out loud until he looked at you, utterly heartbroken, in complete disbelief. “I…”
No. I don’t know that. What have I done to deserve their love?
“They need me, sure,” you started, narrowing your eyes at the breaks in the waves of Lover’s Lake, “I mean, I just try to make myself useful to them. It’s the least I can do when I… when they…” you struggled to get the words out. You saw that hole again, like a light at the end of the tunnel, but so far from the relief most mean by that metaphor. Something peeking around the corner, ready to devour you all over again. So you plunged, you prepared yourself for it to spring to life and take you whole as you nearly whimpered, “When they put up with me. It’s the least I can do when they put up with me.”
“No one puts up with you,” Eddie’s voice cracked. You couldn’t even look him in the eyes. “Least of all me.”
The deadliest of blows. He cracked your hardened surface with that, shook the foundations of every belief you’d held for eternity.
“Most of all you,” you corrected without thinking, “God, I- Eddie, seriously. What reason do you have for keeping me around? I don’t know how the fuck you put up with m-”
“Don’t finish that sentence,” you’d never heard him beg so painfully before then, “Please. Don’t… You want to know my reason?” you nodded numbly, finally looking to find him with wet eyes and lips pressed into a fine line, “Because you’re you. I… Fuck, I love you. I keep you around because you’re you. You’re good for me. Whether you believe it or not. You’re good for me just by being you, and there’s nothing you have to do to accomplish that,” you started to look away before he grabbed your cheeks, turning you to face him as he emphasized each word, “You don’t have to earn love. That’s not what love is. Got it?”
You looked into his eyes, and saw all the soft declarations of love echoed back to you, even from the very start.
‘Sweetheart, you don’t owe me your time. And I don’t need monopoly over it for us to be okay.’
‘The world doesn’t end just because you don’t constantly make yourself available.’
The entire time you’d been so worried about taking care of everyone else, he’d been worried about taking care of you. Endless late night phone calls, careful check-ins when he saw the exhaustion take the frontlines, sparse fights about putting yourself first. The only thing he ever wanted from you was for you to take care of yourself.
While you were busy being there for everyone else, he was busy being there for you.
He never once made you dig to the bottom of his grave to find the warmth. He’d handed it over on a silver platter.
So how could you look him in his at that moment, and tell him that you didn’t ‘get it’? That you’d never been sure if what you were seeking from your friends was really love? That, really, you’d given up on being loved a long time ago, assuming it was asking too much?
How do you look him in his eyes in that moment and tell him you had long since declared yourself unlovable?
He didn’t make you say it. Only kept your cheeks pressed between his palms, as he leaned forward, forehead meeting yours and whispering words for only you, “I love you, no strings attached. You’re my… friend. I love you. Okay?”
No one had ever fought so valiantly to get the point across. Not just that night at the lake, but in the entirety of his friendship with you.
The hole slinked back behind the corner. The darkness decided it could wait another day. And in its place, warm brown eyes filled the void. Whether he even realized it or not.
You nearly believed him. Nearly. But you bit down hard on that belief, throwing it out of sight, and instead of echoing back the ‘okay’ you assumed he was seeking out, all you did was sob out another, “Why?”
When you collapsed into him, he held you. Your sobs remained dry, your confusion palpable as you clung to him and tried to let that belief envelope you like his arms had.
I love you.
How could someone love you?
He didn’t press it the way you thought he would. He didn’t scold you for continuing to question him and he didn’t lash out at your disbelief.
He just held you. Letting your face press into his neck as his fingers ran up and down your spine, giving it a moment before he started talking again.
“Your humor,” he hummed after a couple moments of silence, heavy breathing eventually evening out.
“What?”
“The way you take care of others,” he continued on like he hadn’t heard you, “That spark you get in your eyes when you tell someone about something good. A favorite book, movie, story from your day – whatever it is. The way you give the best hugs – and you don’t give me them nearly often enough. The way you snore, and the way you definitely deny snoring.”
You opened your mouth, about to lift your head and argue with him, but he just placed an encouraging palm on the back of your head to keep you close to him.
“The way your favorite color changes with the seasons. The way you only like artificial cherry flavoring, not the real stuff. The way you look at night when we’re driving and you’re just screaming your favorite lyrics. The way you look at me to see if a joke lands. The way you fuss about my wrinkled clothes, even when you also don’t care about the wrinkles in your own shirts. The way you take your coffee. The way you always offer to paint one of my nails to match yours. The way you treat your recipe for chocolate chip cookies like some top secret, government trade. But we both know it’s just some recipe from a cookbook you thrifted when you were ten. The way you get excited over the small things, like the cows we pass by on the way out here. They're always there, and you always point them out. The way you just… are.”
He didn’t have to say it. He was answering your question.
He was listing his whys.
“You don’t have to earn it,” he didn’t say the word, not this time. You felt it, “It just… it’s there. It’s there and it’s not going anywhere. I’ll remind you of that every day if I have to.”
Loved. For the first time ever, it felt like a possibility; to be loved.
Eddie always knocks on your front door a certain way – a pattern he rarely strays from. But you can always tell. He’s the only fool who would find humor in knocking out such an annoying compilation of hits on the wooden panels until you finally unlatch the lock and open it to find him standing in your threshold.
His hair is frizzy and in a low ponytail, wearing a baggy band shirt and plaid pajama pants. He greets you with such a wide smile, your chest aches.
“Hey there, sweetness.”
You don’t say a word, just drag him inside before you wrap your arms around his waist. Ever since that night, and his admittance of enjoying your hugs, you made a conscious effort to hug him more often.
“Miss me?” he chuckles, and you feel the vibrations against your cheek as you softly pinch his side. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough to make him only laugh harder once you pull away.
“Not at all,” you snark back as you make sure the door is securely shut and properly locked.
“Not even a little bit?”
“Nope.”
He smacks a fist to his chest as if you had stabbed him with your words, “Ouch. You wound me, sweetheart.”
“Get over it,” you tease. Your head has finally stopped swimming, your chest no longer tight with the fear of not being enough. Nancy is long forgotten as you say, “Have you eaten dinner?”
“Depends,” he hums as he toes off his boots, “If you’re offering to buy me some, then no, I definitely did not eat spaghetti with Wayne right before you called.”
You throw your head back laughing as he’s already making a beeline for your kitchen, digging out that damned takeout menu and reaching for the phone, already so sure of your order.
Knowing your order at restaurants. Without having to ask. Apparently, that was part of the whole ‘being loved’ gig.
Adjusting has taken months. Since that night in Eddie’s van, he’d kept his word. Not a day went by without him finding a way to remind you, whether it be by direct words or small actions, that he loved you. You both kept it under that friendly guise. He loved you in that familiar way, the way the others supposedly loved you. A way you could manage to recognize some days.
Other days were still rough. Days like today were still rough.
The takeout is ordered and Eddie sets up camp on your couch, rambling about something that had happened during one of the DnD nights he still hosted with the kids. Something about a dumb decision Mike did that cost most of the group their character’s lives. You have a hard time following along, and he’s quick to pick up on it.
“Hey, sweetheart?” he murmurs as you lean into the back couch cushion, smooshing your cheek as you watched him animatedly speak.
“Hm?”
“Bad day?”
He never judged you for the rough days. He never judged you for the days you still couldn’t find the love, even after he worked so virtuously to show it to you. He may never understand it, that hollow ache that resided in your darkest corners and whispered that none of it was real, but it never deterred him.
He loved you on good days, and he especially loved you on bad days.
You consider lying to him, but you can’t. Not when he looks at you so earnestly, “Yeah. It… yeah.”
“Wanna talk about it?” he asks you, shuffling to be more comfortable where he sits as he motions for you to lay down. You do so immediately, head finding a home against his thigh and his fingers stroking over your cheek before they toy with the ends of your hair.
All you can do is shake your head. You didn’t want to talk about that fear of failing Nancy as a friend, especially when you know that wasn’t her take away from it. It felt silly now; all that overthinking, when you know now if you questioned her on it, all she would have seen from the day was a friend lending a caring ear. You know because you had asked her about it once, if she found your listening habits too callous, upon Eddie’s insistence.
She hadn’t. In fact, all she could do was thank you, had insisted that she was just grateful someone would listen to her ramblings. And you understood that, left it at that.
“Okay,” he murmurs, voice so quiet you nearly miss it. His fingers continue to play across your shoulders now, barely weighted against bare skin, “That’s fine.”
He didn’t mind if you didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t mind if you never spoke another word, if all you needed was him here. You just needed him close by and to sit with you, to make it all a little less much.
Nothing. He needed absolutely nothing from you, asked nothing of you. Because you didn’t have to earn this. All you had to do was simply be, and he would provide this.
Love. What an odd concept, to have found warmth in a grave you never even got the chance to dig your shovel into.
“Hey, Eddie?” his fingers pause at your croaking voice. You smile at his stillness, at the way he hums carefully in response, still trying to offer the silence you quietly begged for, “I love you.”
There’s more to unpack there. More than just familial love, more than just two friends that love each other without conditions. But tonight is not the night, and you both see that it is enough. There will be other nights to dig your claws in and to dissect what those three little words mean between you two. There will be other nights to consider how your other friends don’t have a permanent spare toothbrush on your bathroom counter or a space for their takeout in your fridge. But not tonight.
For tonight, this was enough. The quiet, and the warmth, the being was enough.
“I love you,” he emphasizes the last word, leaning down and his lips grazing your temple.
You notice the way he leaves off the too. He’d love you, even if you didn’t love him. You’d love him, even if he didn’t love you. Unconditional, no strings attached. A warmth you do not have to fight to earn. A rarity you never encountered before, and may never encounter again, but you have for tonight and for as long as he chooses to stick around.
Your shovel sits abandoned in a shed in the distance. Your fingernails are clean of the dirt. The graveyard, it seems, would go another night without its robber.
#eddie munson#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x you#yeah the archer has a chokehold on me#idk man this is scary to post a put... a lot of myself in here#my bad#3k celebration
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im feeling better and i had a brilliant brilliant genius idea scoob. (EXPLANATION BELOW)
okay class what was the author trying to say
fatui harbinger au. SHOCKED EMOJI
sub-au. an AU of an AU (marvel impact) because three things happened to cross paths in my big empty mind:
1. "man i would love an evil stephen au"
2. "man i need to draw genshin mordo"
and 3. "i love the harbingers" and when the idea lit up like a flame in my brain i exploded out of bed
this au consists of the best magic users ever being fatui harbingers (rip traveler) because evil hot and crazy sexy, instead of adding more harbingers they replace already existing ones because one two three enough fatui for me
so basically evil evil magic users au
((before moving on for ppl that do play genshin but dont know much about the fatui harbingers, there's 11 of them and they're ranked based on strength, personally i wouldnt even know how to scale them based on their powers so i didnt touch the ranks, just switched out the characters))
NOW EXPLAINING EACH OF THEM IN ORDER OF THEIR 'RANK' starting with lowkey
Loki is pretty self explanatory, he takes The Tsaritsa's place because cryo archon.... ice...god.....
i was initially planning on making loki take scaramouche's place because i found scara's "YOU'RE INTERRUPTING A CONVERSATION BETWEEN GODS......" dialogue in the sumeru quest so funny and because the idea of loki being a fake-god seemed cool, but her as the cryo archon and overall leader of the fatui was too good to put aside
IMPORTANT NOTE/EDIT: NVM YALL LMFAOOOO I DECIDED (iwas MANIPULATED /j /aimed) TO CHANGE LOKI BACK TO TAKING SCARAMOUCHE'S PLACE there's a lot more things they have in common and it sets an interesting dynamic between him and other characters in this au, including thor ("better version of him"), strange (using loki as a vessel to create a god) etc
Wong's the baddest bitch in this post theres no other explanation
im (half)joking (hes so fine) theres an explanation
it was between that and making him take Il Capitano's place, which would have been Rank 1, and he would have still ranked higher than everyone else (besides Loki) so i looked at their wikis .
The Director (Pierro) handpicked certain Harbingers, two of which being Il Dottore and La Signora (in this au, Strange and Wanda) so that was just the stars aligning for this au
Strange's gotta be even more self-explanatory than Loki's
il dottore. the doctor.
need i say more (no but i will)
i need at least 34084 aus of this man being evil idk i cant control myself
Sufian and Zandik (Dottore) already had a lot in common or parallel in the marvel impact au, both expelled students from the Akademiya, positive/negative relations with the dendro archon, man kissers, insert il dottore wiki
i want him to be scary and feared now and then, is that too much for a man to want from another man (rip eleazar patients)
clea had to be arlecchino/the knave because. because
clea in a suit primary excuse
arlecchino's cool hair secondary excuse
woman kisser back-up excuse
theres little to no explanation here i just sensed it spiritually (arlecchino is the best ily arlecchino) + the theory about arlecchino being half-hilichurl?? or something like that? because of the cool gradient on her skin, which is rlly awesome, so non-human bonus points
need more insane, cold, calculated, manipulative, insane, insane, deceiving, insane women sometimes
mordo he exists hes here save me mordo
im gonna be so fr with you guys rn
pulcinella is just there, i forget he exists often times
only mordo can fix that
after deciding on making Wong the Director, i considered making Mordo take Il Capitano's place or Pantalone's/The Regrator's, but i was really really unsure, he didn't seem to fit either of them and by making him take the Regrator's place I would be putting him in a rank that is wayy too low (9) and considering how little there is about Pulcinella (literally almost nothing), I would have a lot of creative freedom
wanda had to be one of the easiest to sort out....la signora..... alternatively "crimson witch".......? come on they forced my hand atp
im so sorry red bisexual i didnt want you to get such a low rank (8) i had no other choice
la signora is such a badass im tired of pretending shes not (+her Crimson Witch form is amazing)
consumed by grief and anguish, destroying themselves in the process? they twin
fandom theories about their resurrection? they twin
that was it i love being normal about any interest i have . ever
#the traveler is NOT making it out of snezhnaya#i love when my favorites infest literally Anything#dr strange#wong#wanda maximoff#karl mordo#clea strange#loki laufeyson#marvel#genshin impact#marvel au
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Hey idk if you're going to do anything more with your cope fics but in the Soap one. Did Nikto do something?
So funny enough I was actually writing something that I was debating on posting unless someone asked so uh I guess I'll just paste it here.
I will say this about Nikto he's very villain coded and of course in the lore he is very much a scary war criminal. I 100% blame @halcyone-of-the-sea for actually getting me to look at Nikto Highly recommend their fic Ravishing Allure
This takes place before the soap fic.
Um non consensual kissing
I knew I was regressing slightly... without my meds and being barely clinging together I was regressing a couple of years emotionally. Perhaps it was a stupid idea to be running in the halls of the base holding the switch in my hands eager to show Soap the cutest little pokemon cafe worker. Perhaps I should be more careful with Kortac around... perhaps I should be more careful with who was lurking around.
I should have been looking where I was going when I turned the corner and run right into a broad chest. That hardly limited it down to who it could be but the apology died in my throat as the scariest blue eyes were staring me down. Nikto. He scares me... I didn't remember his wiki page really just the feeling that he was a very very bad man. But I manage to slam right into him.
It's his eyes... I usually hate prolonged eye contact except for one man really... my husband and its terrifying how such a rich blue shade is staring right down at me in the same manner that he does when I've upset him. I twitch slightly as my desire to soothe and make my husband not mad bubbles back up... I had done a lot of healing to stop being an utter pushover and people pleaser to him and our friends but it seemed it was rearing its ugly head back here. I instead just make myself look smaller and far more submissive as I hold the Switch between us like it will keep him from me.
"S-sorry Nikto. I... I wasn't paying attention." I say before I try to quickly move past him and then I felt it. That soothingly familiar touch... the comforting warmth of a hand around my neck, resting there as if it belonged not squeezing because it didn't need to and I trusted the palm that usually rested there... the comfortingly large hand that was there during sex or just his way of flirting with me.
I think I was far to eager in the way I looked back up at the arm holding my neck. Maybe it was the look in my eyes... a silent hope that it was my husband there and not Nikto that this was all over. Maybe it was the way I cocked my head to the side when he did his... maybe I should have reacted better than my hardcoded submissive self did... I just didn't react.
I only whimpered as my back was pressed against the wall as he boxed me in. I was scared of what would happen if I didn't obey him demanding me to close my eyes. I pressed back against the wall as I've kissed enough times with my eyes closed... felt my husband kiss me on the lips as I danced between consciousness and unconsciousness... I was well aware of how close he was leaning to my face.
I groaned softly as he wasn't sweet or kind or this was the precursor to something else. It was rough and demanding... demanding what? I couldn't say but I felt so complacent and guilty like I was cheating on my husband when I started to kiss back.
-----
Her tongue moved against his as his hands moved down her waist in mock tender touches. Breathlessly she kept kissing back. The gentle groan as he bit her bottom lip and sucked on it for but a moment. His hips rolling against hers.
Nikto was intrigued by the "Girl out of time" just as much as König was. They were the one to get König the data he wanted allowing the large man to get closer to the target... perhaps there was intrigue from them as well. Nikto finally pulled away putting his mask back on as a thumb of his brushed upon her slightly swollen bottom lip, they held back a shiver as she did a simple 'om' sound before slipping the tip of his thumb into her mouth and being far too cute for her own good.
She still was submissive when he let her open her eyes and sent her on her way with a smack to her ass as she hurried off.
#cod x oc#cod#cod mw2#cod nikto#mwii nikto#OC#cope fic#coping#idk if this counts as a cope fic#but it's in the same universe I guess#OC: Goblin#ask reply#reply
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So I'm aro and kinda ambivalent/slightly pos on sex stuff. So like from an aspec perspective on all your posts is very interesting to watch. Idk. I feel like people only use my identity to mask they still have growing to do and that sex isn't... Like, scary I guess? Its just a thing people do, Yk? Also that lots of different people have sex, conventionally unattractive people have sex, you don't need to "beautify" them. Adults have sex. These characters are all adults, by the end of the comics Scout is in his late 20s, like. I'm fairly certain these characters have had sex, and infantilizing characters like Scout, sometimes Engineer, or especially Pyro, whether they realize it or not, reflects on them and their feelings on how people "should act" and mental disorders. They can have sex! The sex can be weird! They are weird people! Like... They're adult men. They range from mid 20's to possibly their 50s-60's. Who are messed up a bit. I don't think they're timid little virgin babys who have never seen a genital or came in their life, like, be serious. I think it CAN be interesting to explore how someone in the 60's-70's would navigate asexuality in this scenario. Like, that can be an interesting take IF you put the actual thought, understanding, and nuances of being aspec. But like, it's always just like, filler sexuality here to be there cuz I don't have a strong grasp on the character. A pretty flag for the sake of having another flag. And because of that lack of character and world understanding they lean on stereotypes under the guise of progressive ideas.
Sorry about the all over the place rant, just been thinking about this kinda stuff every time I see ur posts.
Nooo don'tworry this is rlly nice to hear n a perspective I can't rlly give! Obviously I'm not aspec myself AHGKLAGA but I definitely don't like stuff like "well of COURSE Pyro is aroace bc they're baby uwu" it just doesn't sit right with me LMAO. None of this is to say that I think it's "wrong" to have ace Pyro or ace Sniper or ace whoever headcanons, of course I don't think that. I especially think it's really nice when someone sees themself in a videogame man, regardless of what their identity is. I just think yknow, stuff like "this guy has Brain Problems (Sniper has social problems, Pyro has delusions, Scout has a disorder I'm calling 'being in his 20s') and therefore does not have sex" or in Pyro's case especially "cannot even UNDERSTAND sex" is kinda just harmful and offensive across the board, to mentally ill people and aspec people alike. I'm always reminded of that ask I got like "if autistic people can't handle bright lights how are they supposed to handle sex" bc like 1) plenty of autistic people are perfectly Fucking capable of understanding, having, and enjoying sex and 2) ace people aren't ace bc they "can't handle" or "don't understand" sex LMAO. Sex is a thing some people have, and a thing some people don't, and like either of those things are good and okay and fine. Idk there's just a veeeery wide societal problem of really infantilizing both asexual people and disabled people that I think extends far beyond "fandom" or whatever, it's rlly deeply ingrained so a lot of people aren't aware of how they perpetrate it. Basically I just don't think an ace or aro headcanon should surround "X character is just completely incapable of understanding and/or consenting to sex or romance" ESPECIALLY if that character is disabled (like Pyro tf2, or even to a smaller degree like Sniper tf2 if the person doing it hcs him as autistic or whatever). If u want someone to be ace they can just be ace! It doesn't need like a "shy baby uwu" reasoning behind it
#sorry for the really long response AHKLAHGLA i rlly appreciate getting this <3 i hope what i said lands ahkjahkgjha#also i rlly like the part abt not needing to 'beautify' characters to let them get it on#i rlly like depictions of sex that like. look like something between actual People i like it when stuff feels really real and human#and sometimes people who are weird or ill will have sex bc we're like real regular people. lol#ask#anon
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So I’m thinking abt watching the new td season. I’m prob gonna split it into chunks bc it’ll be my reactions to all the episodes plus pre & post thoughts of the season, so if you wanna know my thoughts, just go to the 'total drama revival episode rambles' tag
Firstly, let’s start off with some pre-watching thoughts. These are just bullet points based on the trailers and promo pics I’ve seen. (I’ve only seen part of one trailer—I forgot which one—and some of the promo pics.)
I know most of the major details of the season bc of spoilers but I’ll try to pretend like I don’t lmao though there might be some occasions when I reference smth—I’ll put those in brackets ( [ ] ).
Now onto my thoughts!!
PRE-WATCHING THE TD SEASON:
PRIYAAA!!! [ A lot of ppl on here initially brushed her off as the Nice Girl, but I was with her from the frigging start and wanted her to go far in the season! ] As a desi female, I was so so happy to see desi rep AND her name is Priya!! It’s so pretty and ties into cultural heritage, and fgdgdgdgd I’d already hc her as bi fyi (yeah it could be me projecting on her, that’s okay. That’s f i n e. She seems like such a bisexual though)
Axel should be a lesbian. It’s what she deserves
Tbh I never rlly vibed with Ripper. Sure he seemed cool and ppl kept calling him the ‘nowen child’ but he’s pretty meh to me
I didn’t rlly try to guess who the gay couple would be ngl. But I lowkey wanted one half of it to be Chase bc it would’ve been so funny if the one person most ppl labeled as The Token Straight was n o t like imagine how many mouths that would’ve shut 😂
Chase & Zee would’ve been a v cute pair. Plus the shipname Chazee is adorable hhfgdgd if they don’t end up canon, it could be a good noncanon ship 🤷♀️
Chef and Chris eyeing each other in the promo pics like come on. Gimme some of that chref content
Julia and Nichelle would be so. amazing. together.
I think I’m the minority who believed that the Hockey Duo wouldn’t end up together. Idk they give off a bros/bromance vibe, and that’s it lmaooo
I’m so so interested in Scary Girl and how her character will be like!!
Bowie’s style is odd but funky—10/10, love it!! Def gives me gay vibes
Caleb seems like a Justin. Plus of c o u r s e his name is Caleb smh (no offense to ppl named Caleb)
Chase was only in the trailer for like less than five seconds but if anything happens to him, I’d kill everyone in the room and then myself. Idk man, he seems like Such A Guy, I just know he’ll be one of the ppl on the show I’ll be fixated on. Plus I love the name Chase.
[ I saw a post calling Chase a ‘boyfail’ and cryinggdgd lmao ] [ Chase overall seems to have mixed reactions among fans, so I’m gonna tread lightly around him. I just hope he doesn’t end up like Dave. I adored Dave when I started PI, but then…all that happened and he’s hated so much. Genuinely hope Chase doesn’t end up like that, pls pls pls I’m counting on you buddy. Don’t fuck it up *cue that one meme I know you guys are thinking abt* ]
Chase & Priya seems like such a popular ship. Ngl their dynamic interested me too-
I saw a post comparing Zee to Shaggy from Scooby-Doo and I’m like :0 fr though?? makes me love Zee even more!
So where exactly will this take place? Camp Wawanakwa?
Am I forgetting anything? Idk but these are my thoughts! Now onto watching the season—idk when that’ll happen but you guys will know when I post my thoughts :D
#total drama#noahtally-famous#kit speaks#td#td spoilers#total drama spoilers#total drama 2023#total drama revival#genuinely hope I don’t get attacked#idk this fandom is as feral as zeke so I’m just always worried lmao#total drama revival episode rambles
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i do want to mention in regards to greedfall that for the spoilers thing you put thats wrong. not trying to insult just want to kinda bring up the misinformation. the reality of it is that you're full native, and your mom was one of the heads of their clan, an incredibly great healer. yet she was taken and the dad died fighting. the plots about hey colonizers are super fucked and in return they got a plague from the atrocities theyve done, so instead of fix it themselves they kidnap the mcs mom at one point. she dies, naturally because of being faced with a whole set of new diseases. with that the princes sister who didnt have any children adopted the main character and did some whole machiavellian scheme to raise them as their own and try to play them as a pawn to make the natives want to help. admittedly a lot of the plot is like hey, what you know is fucked up and colonization is morally bankrupt, to both the colony people and the natives. but im not here to change your mind or anything! its just a game, i just wanted to just correct some parts of the post that i think were worth mentioning. there wasn't any rape, and the natives arent painted in such a negative light.
i mean, yes and no.
yes in the sense that yeah, what i’d heard about the protagonist’s parentage (i did not get far enough into the game to trigger that quest for myself) was wrong, i’d heard they were half-native but their bio mom was still the princess but yeah, when i found the last post i linked to i realized that was wrong. so yeah, on that point, you’re right, i was fully incorrect about that.
but. while that means the narrative leans less into the ‘savage native’ theme, that does make it lean more into the ‘magical natives who are intrinsically connected to the land’ theme. which is. also not good. it’s Othering with a different coat of paint over it, ostensibly positive but still reducing swaths of people to some weird ‘your ethnicity and culture makes you inherently spiritual’ thing.
and here i’m going to toss some links to things that talk about the harm in this sort of thinking. there’s a million articles that discuss this even more but in the interest of not spending more time i don’t really have i’ll leave it at these
plus, there’s still so, so, so, so many moments where they’re shitty about natives and the game…. does not address it. does not let you, the protagonist, say a word to dispute them when there are npcs telling you to your face that the natives are weird demon-worshippers and you need to intrude on their sacred rituals bc lol idk solve a mystery for us? you watch a man murder a native man for not converting to his religion, and you can fight the dude who murdered him but you just. knock him out and it doesn’t change a goddamn thing. the protag finds out they’re native and doesn’t…. do anything other than Be The Chosen One. they don’t even get to learn anything abt their clan. the narrative just says ‘oh hey, you’re native, you know nothing about this land but you’re magically connected to it by birthright :)’ the sacred rituals of some of the clans are derided as being scary and evil. you constantly murder nadaigs, who are people who have physically transformed. the game does not let you avoid or question this ever. you MUST murder them to progress the plot.
i know i linked this last time but i really do recommend that you read this post for specific examples of where and how this was done. there’s a lot.
truly, read that and then consider whether the natives aren’t ‘painted in such a negative light.’
like… i don’t necessarily think the game devs set out to make a colonizer simulator exactly, but uh, they still did by virtue of being nowhere near qualified to talk about this sort of thing. by still cramming their game chock-full of reductive stereotypes. if they intended to make a game that discussed native people being colonized in a remotely respectful way…. if they really wanted to show that colonizing/colonizers are morally bankrupt..... they completely and utterly failed.
anyway that’s enough time spend on greedfall now, let’s be done talking about this forever lmao
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diary146
2/7-8/2024
wednesday - thursday
off tomorrow, and tonight is my friend's birthday.
my friend, the girlfriend of my other friend. i'm not going though. it's just not a good time, i guess. i feel bad about it, like pretty bad, i hope she's having a good time, but too much is going on rn, scary or whatever, i need to keep everything stable for myself, if i don't work will get worse. i'm just nervous at these early stages, idk what i can really get away with.
anyway, i'm really in love with this music video:
youtube
it might be smarter than the song, it's a really good bit of filmmaking honestly, i love the script, the bit where the lusty cameraman goes "how many girls you been with," and the subject goes "a bunch..." and then the guy is like "lucky ladies," and the way the obvious lust and the subject interact, it's not a clear cut relation, there's a strange giving and taking, it's very dirty and weird, and the sadness passing over/through the man being objectified, it's so strange. it feels pretty unique to me.
did something weird, i just listened to the whole cocoron ost, i haven't thought about this game in a very long time. i discovered it because of eversion, an early internet horror game, it's like an nes platformer with BLOOD and DEATH and it's actually really cute and good, i think the game is super awesome actually, it really inspired me as a kid, when i watched a playthrough of it. anyway, that game lifts the cocoron ost, and i watched a playthrough of cocoron as a kid, i wanna play it now kinda, might be good. nes music rlly is cool, sometimes, they tried a lot of weird stuff, it makes sense a lot of people heard that and decided to make it like, grindcore/punk eventually, the noises are so piercing at times, it kind of begs to be screamed over, + the inherent sarcasm in doing that, and then it also sorta overlaps w/ the whitebelt stuff, weirdness of tones when creating music, weirdly colorful sounds for fucked up loud music.
for instance:
youtube
i've posted this before i think but this song is great, i love it so much. and i love the color. a perfect aesthetic touch point for me.
another fun one:
youtube
i also started looking at spritesheets tonight, just cuz it seemed fun, in the cocoron ost desc the uploader linked a site w/ sprite rips. reminds me of when i was ripping stuff out of ps1 and dreamcast games. i got a lot of stuff out of one game, sengoku turb on dreamcast, i should put some of that here, really cute artstyle i think, one of my fav looking games ever:
crazy looking game, i'm glad it has a sequel out there, also on dreamcast, they seem like pretty obtuse and random games, i miss the whole feverdream thing that could come out on consoles, illbleed, stretch panic is another similar game to me, even katamari on some level, though it's also way indebted to some other stuff, and killer7 is also in the maybe similar but i understand its particular history way better i think, the angura movement in japan offering a kind of springboard for the game's design i feel like, where it absorbs old forms and sticks them right beside the 'new,' as many of those plays had done, to channel something strange, to bring forth the negative and inconclusive, or maybe not inconclusive, just concluding things positivist works could not arrive at.
after finishing wiseblood i am unsure what to begin reading, i have discipline & punish beside me now, the foucault book, but maybe i need to stick with fiction, and just do agua viva by lispector. that might be good... we'll see. also quibbling over if i should try mixing a bit tonight.
also, we finally have real wifi, and it's like the old place, i am happy with it, it's pretty fast and stuff, so that's good.
all the videogame and nes music talk is making me think about how loud i've made the chip synths in my songs, and if i want them to be more prominent or not. it shouldn't be too big a deal, as long as they're there enough, you know.
now i am looking at closet child...dangerous, cuz i will get my heart broken over something i don't get but idk.. soon i really may be able to buy something, and then i will be sooo happy.
i am opening ableton now, i should do my night routine now and try and get the mix right quickly and just go to bed.
i did it, and there's just a couple things that i think i'll end up having to do to that song, cut some lows in the vocals, just a tiny bit more, and drop by 1-2b, raise the left channel guitar up by 1 db, and then maybe cut some of the low lows in the bass. that should do it on that song i think, but i might decide to just come back to it after the full listen w/ the rest of the songs to hear it in context. that leaves 3 more songs on this list, i should try and get them as right as possible, and then listen to the album, w/ some of the new songs i've got with vocals laid down, which there's a few, actually, and then i will see what i need to do, if any songs should be cut, anything like that, and if there's room for anything else. what there isn't room for, or even whatever there is, i need to go and write down the names of the project files i need to finish, just so i can mess with them sooner or later, maybe an ep of stuff i'm still attached to, and stuff.
but i am beat now,
so,
byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ed Kemper
Hello, everyone who takes the time to read this. <3
I hope everyone has had a good Mother's Day. I've had one of the best days. My children are so lovely, thoughtful, and caring. I couldn't be prouder of who they are becoming.
BUT
Enough about me.
Idk, I kinda figured I hadn't talked about a serial killer in.. toooooo long, so in honor of Mother's Day, I will be shedding some light on Mr. Edmund Kemper, The Co-Ed Killer. (I'm also totally waiting for my Sims game to redownload, so I had some time to kill, lol.)
If you've never read one of my essays, well, sometimes they can get gross and I'm obviously not being very professional. I told Del it's like I'm just talking to one of the girlies, haha. So please keep that in mind; it may get graphic and I may say a curse word here and there. I am 32 after all.
When I think of Edmund Kemper, a few things come to mind.
In no particular order:
Number one, he's unbelievably intelligent; he's said to have an IQ of 145, only 15 points away from Albert Einstein. I know he's dangerous because he is a serial killer, but brilliant people are just as scary. The level of power they hold, the mind games; terrifying. And it's pretty rare for us to see serial killers who are so smart. Like just to name a few people off the top of my head.. Robert Pickton, Henry Lee Lucas, Ottis Toole, Arthur Shawcross, and Gary Ridgeway, not so bright to be honest.
Another thing I think of is how MASSIVE Eddie Boy is. (SPOILER: Oh, I am speaking in present tense on purpose; he's still alive in a medical facility in California.) This man is 6'9", over 300 pounds. Is he the biggest serial killer? Let me google real quick.
YES HE IS, HA!
Just wait until you see the pictures I post of him next to the police officers when he was on trial. He's SCARY tall, and he was actually really good friends with said police officers, but he couldn't become a police officer like he wanted to beCAUSE he was so massive. (Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.)
I also think, (imagine this in big, flashing red, neon lights), MOMMY ISSUES. It was pretty clear early on in Ed's life that his mother hated his stinkin' guts and favored his sister's instead, but we will get into alllllldat girrrrrrl.
Edmund Emil Kemper was born on December 18th, 1948 in Burbank, California, to E.E. and Clarnell Kemper.
(Omg I just realized why she is so angry all the time. Clarnell? DISGUSTANG)
Okay anyway, so, his parents divorced in 1957 when he was 9 and he was, of course, stuck with his angry, alcoholic mother. They ended up moving to Montana.
She blamed Ed for everything bad that happened to her. (I think I've listened to some podcasts that said she was so angry because he looked so much like his father and that angered her. Don't quote me on that.)
When Ed was ten, his mother forced him to live in the basement away from his sisters because she was always worried he would harm them in some way.
(I always go back and forth with this. Was Ed a normal child until his mother put it in his head he was a problem and he might start hurting his sisters OR did she see something everyone else didn't? I don't know.)
Regardless, it's said soon after that, Ed started exhibiting some weird behavior. Weird like, like serial killer level weird. Like dark. And evil. Like he would play this game with his sisters that he called "Gas Chamber" where he had them blindfold him, have him sit in a chair, and he would writhe and scream in agony until he "died". Like, idk sometimes my Barbie's parents or sister would die in an accidental car crash, but yeesh.
He also admitted during this time he would have dreams about murdering his mother. (Ed LOVED to talk about himself, also pretty rare for serial killers, so there are lots and lots and lots and LOTS of videos of him being interviewed.)
Also when he was ten, he buried one of the family cats.. alive. When he was thirteen, he stabbed the other with a knife.
Clarnell noped the heck out of Eddie and sent him to live with his paternal grandparents in North Fork, California.
(I do want to keep this essay mostly focused on the relationship between Ed and his mother, but when he was 15, he did brutally murder his grandparents "to see what it felt like." This led to him being sent to the California Youth Authority where, I am not kidding you, he was so charming and brilliant they let him do whatever he want and go wherever he wanted, so he spent a majority of his time learning the correct answers of the exams they were giving him until he was eventually released for being "cured" of his schizophrenia at 21. After fatally shooting both of his grandparents to death because he didn't like their rules.
It's Ted Bundy vibes and it's awful. But yeah, sorry to quickly explain that without much detail. I highly recommend looking into it.)
After he was released, it was reccommended he maybe not live with his terrible, alcoholic, abusive mother, but guess what Eddie Boy did? I'll give you two guesses.
Yup.
He freakin' MOVED BACK IN WITH CLARNELL.
Clarnell was living in Santa Cruz, California, now (after her third failed marriage), and she had taken a job with the Univeristy of California. At this time, Ed had also accepted a job with the Department of Transportation after being rejected to become a state trooper due to his size, which I already told you, but the show must go on! Like he was CLOSE with these dudes. They nicknamed him Big Ed, one of them gave him a badge and handcuffs, the whole shebang.
And his car! His car was a Ford Galaxie 500 and it highly resembled a police car. (I'll post a picture.)
Like for all intents and purposes, he was basically a state trooper.
His job with the Department of Transportation is critical in his serial killing career because that's how he lured the girls he murdered. He picked up hitchhikers and.. ya knoooow. Killed them. But even worse, he would murder girls from UC, but they trusted him because he had a sticker or something hanging in the window, I can't remember, that said he was connect to UC.
(Like I said, I am not getting into these murders today, but they are bruuuutal. Ed is a special kind of effed up.)
Okay, so here is where I give the signal that it's going to be really bad, like really, really bad. So. I'm just saying, you don't have to read it! It's not too late to turn around and never look back.
But, if you're a little messed up like me, hi. Let's get into it, yuh.
(This is all awful, you can really tell how much he hated his mother.)
In April of 1973, Ed Kemper committed his last two murders. First was the murder of his mother, Clarnell Kemper.
Before he murdered her, he went to her bedroom and she said, "I suppose you're going to want to sit up and talk now." He replied, "No, good night," and When she was asleep, he bashed her head in with a claw hammer and slit her throat with a penknife. He then decapitated her and proceeded to use his mother's decapitated head to perform oral sex. (I have learned that term is called 'irrumatio'. 'In the ancient Roman sexual vocabulary, irrumatio is strictly a form of oral rape (os impurum), in which a man forces his penis into someone else's mouth, inducing vomiting for sexual gratification.[2]' Gross.)
After that, he set her head on top of a shelf and screamed at it for an hour. He also threw darts at it.
He also cut out her tongue and larynx and shoved them down the garbage disposal, and the absolute symbolism of that is chilling. Like he could finally shut her up, except he couldn't. Like I said, he loved to talk about himself and give interviews, and when her vocal cords couldn't be broken down, he said, "That seemed appropriate, as much as she'd bitched and screamed and yelled at me over so many years."
Afterwards, he hid his mother's body in the closet and Eddie Boy went to have himself a drink at a local bar.
He ended up inviting his mother's bestie over and he murdered her too. :(
Ed assumed he was going to be caught immediately and fled to Pueblo, California, where ultimately, he ended up telling on himself to his police buddies. They didn't even believe him, he had to prove he was The Co-Ed Killer.
I think it's very important to realize that he turned himself in after his mother was murdered. Like she was connected to all of his other murders somehow. I think he said in an interview that after he killed his mother, his "original purpose was gone" and he couldn't emotionally handle it anymore.
I personally think he lived out his most disgusting, most wanted fantasy and since it was over, he had no other reason to keep going.
Fun facts to lighten the mood? Ed stays in the same facility as Manson did!
And also Herbert Mullin. It's rumored that Mullin had a habit of singing that pissed Ed off, so he bribed him with peanuts to get him to stop, lol. He's a smart man.
In his time in prison, he's been a model prisoner I reckon. I read he has scheduled other inmate's appointments with their psychatrists and he enjoys making ceramic cups. Ed has a very nice speaking voice, unfortunately, and also while he was in prison, he recorded over 5000 hours worth narrating a set of audiobooks which I have searched high and low for, but I can never find them.
He's been very forthcoming with his crimes and has had several interviews.
He's also been denied parole several times, and he's even waived his right to a hearing saying, "Society is not ready in any shape or form for me. I can't faullt them for that."
And that is the disgusting, unfortunately true, murder of Clarnell Kemper by her own son, Edmund Kemper.
Happy Mother's Day! <3
My sources: Wikipedia, of course.
And also: https://www.biography.com/crime/edmund-kemper
Pictured below are:
Ed Kemper as a child.
Ed Kemper and Clarnell Kemper.
Ed Kemper's victims.
Some photos to how he towers over people.
Ed Kemper then and now.
Thank you for reading, I love ya!
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don’t ever put me in a situation
cw/tw: several mentions of su/cide; it’s kinda the basis of this post
it’s been a while since i talked about the comedic value of a gen z mc on here, but that’s mainly because it’s been a while since i’ve had a single thought in general. anyway, recently i’ve been tossing around the idea of the brothers being seriously caught off guard by the nature of an average person aged 18 to, like, 26 for different reasons than last time.
the first reason is that i don’t think they interact with regular humans often, period, let alone for intervals of time long enough to form relationships with them, and i especially don’t think they interact with people that young. like, if they were dealing with humans frequently, it would be people in their thirties, forties, etc, right? like, i know they do business in the human world, but there’s a really off chance of them interacting informally with people so young.
what i’m getting at here, is that at the time the game takes place [i assume 2019 onward], the kind of human they’re familiar with [outside of the ones they torture] is the kind who wants to live. the kind who are at points in their lives where they are secure and comfortable and know what the next few decades will look like, and who look forward to the time ahead of them. that’s a very fair statement to make about the generations above us, right? right.
this brings me to the second reason. they probably have a lot of misconceptions about humans because of the media they consume. specifically, like, survival type media—like, zombie apocalypse, jigsaw, stuff like that. like, they are seriously only familiar with humans who really, really wanna live. that’s what makes an mc who welcomes death so fun, they’ll give those men whiplash.
i’m gonna talk about jigsaw to save anyone the trouble of having to look it up. when i say jigsaw, i’m referring to a dumb little man who likes to ride around on a tricycle in a dumb little mask and kidnap people for things he thinks are bad. there are, like, what, three? movies about him. he’s like a really shitty vigilante. anyway, he kidnaps people and brings them to, like, torture chambers where they have to do awful things to themselves/each other if they wanna live/escape. like , this man will be like, “i have locked you in a box that is set to explode once the timer ends, the key to escape is behind your eye.” like, i’m sorry, maybe some 57 year old with a spouse and kids & who bought their house for $3 will find themselves trying to get that key, but i am nineteen, the generations before me have left me with a dying planet and a high cost of living—i am letting that box explode.
there was a chat where levi, mammon, and lucifer were talking about what they’d do in a zombie apocalypse, or smth like that. lucifer said he’d just kill all of them, which, like, totally reasonable thing to say when you are lucifer morningstar himself, but, like, you aren’t. me personally, in a zombie apocalypse, i’m going to unalive myself at some point, it’s really just a matter of when, and it depends on the zombies i’m dealing with, you know? like, do they move really slow, and are they unintelligent, or are can they sprint and also smell me. if it’s the second one, i’m done on day one. if it’s the first one, maybe week two. what kind of person wants to fight to live in a world overrun by feral cannibals. like, genuinely, who wants to live That Bad. idk, but not me, yall b safe!
then, there’s like, the game itself. like ik technically all of us are the mc, but if it were me , like , really me , yall . i might just see myself out of this plane of existence on night one because what do i look like—i’m not going to school in an environment where i’m literally never safe, and then living in an equally unsafe (and probably haunted) house. i would simply have to take my leave, it’s true!
now imagine if i said any of that to them. like, imagine the horror that would be plastered on their silly little faces. isn’t it great? i think it’s great. not only is their leverage gone (you really can’t threaten a person who wants to die), but also, that means, like, ninety percent of what makes the devildom scary is no longer scary. like, if i do that thing lucifer specifically told me to do, what’s the worst thing that could happen? i die?
#obey me#obey me!#obey me headcanons#obey me imagines#obey me lucifer#obey me mammon#obey me levi#obey me leviathan#obey me satan#obey me asmo#obey me asmodeus#obey me beel#obey me beelzebub#obey me belphie#obey me belphegor#obey me scenarios
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Izzy’s Dag-Dag The Artist… Tag
By @morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy
~ Rules ~
Show us a rendition of yourself in your own art! Can be anything! Sims render? Random stick figure? Picrew? Go nuts! (Just be sure to tag the artist if you use someone else’s picrew!!!!) Tag the blogs you want to know, and don’t be a dick that’s it! Also, feel free to answer as vague or in-depth as you want. And if you don’t want to answer a question for any reason just don’t vibe with it! Skip it if you wanna! Also make sure you tag me and use #dagdagtheartisttag so I can see it!!!!!!!!
This is a bit long so i’m just gonna...
~Questions~
1.) Do you prefer to be referred to by your name or blog name?
Both are fine! I don’t care much about what people refer to me as in general and have had someone on here call me lily once
2.) Where are you from?
I won’t say exact, but I live in the middle of USA (I can’t wait to move-)
3.) Do you have pets? 👀
Yes! 3 dogs and 2 cats, tho only one cat is truly “mine”
4.) Tell us about your “dream”.
uhh like where I want to be in life? what I want to do? um I’m still working on the exact job title, but I wish to do research at a natural history/science museum (sorta like archives or collections manager, but neither of those are quite right i think). Otherwise, I just hope to adopt and even foster kids cause my life would not be complete without little ones :3 (spouse/partner optional lol)
5.) Aside from art, what are your hobbies?
Randomly researching things that grasp my attention, games...lots of games, reading, watching tv, coloring (wait does that count as art-), uhhh spacing out
6. )Does anyone irl know about your blog?
yeah, but mostly just know about, not like see my posts i guess
7.)Do you know anyone from your blog irl?
not outside of just chatting on discord
8.) What are some fun facts about you?
I’ve had some poems published before (it was with entering a poetry contest), I have surprisingly good balance, my brain is not properly awake/functioning until 10am which has led to me almost using soap as toothpaste a few times too many, I have a birthmark on my finger (bonus: it sorta changes color/how noticeable it is depending on how hot or cold I am lol, i call it a mini thermometer cause of this), apparently Lion King was my Disney movie obsession as a kid...oh and I have a certificate in cryptozoology lolz
9.) What’s your day job?
i work as a private nanny/glorified babysitter (i don’t live with them or drive but work regular hours through week and as needed; even join the occasional vacation with them)
10.) Do you have a celebrity look alike?
i don’t think so; a girl in high school once said I look like Cameron Diaz tho-
11.) What’s your aesthetic?
for my blog I think it’s becoming like dark academia meets cottage core?? idk
for myself...who knows
12.) What kind of artist are you?
the tired kind lol
13.) How did you get into your form of art?
if we’re looking at sims, uhhh well I just happened to learn about cc one day, then happened upon simblr, saw edits, and thought I’d give a try cause I can’t draw but I need a creative outlet so this worked for me
14.) What do you watch/listen/read/anything else while you create?
if I do anything, its listen to music; music is generally random based on what I feel like but more recently its been 2d anime groups (idolish7, hypnosis mic, etc)
15.) What is your favorite of your own creations so far?
lets see...this, this, and this edit wise I think
16.) How would you describe your art style?
idk chaos
17.) What is more satisfying to you coloring or outlining?
coloring, I like coloring
18.) What meme would you use to describe yourself?
19.) What character from any media form do you most identify with?
oh gosh uhhhh there’s a few but I’ll say Iori and Sogo from Idolish7 since they come to mind first lol. Iori is a fellow aquarius who hides his interests and agonizes over past slipups even a year later, others have legit moved on but he’s still stuck on it (that was true moment I was like “omg you are aquarius” lol cause yeah meee). Sogo i heavily relate to as well cause he’s,,,very nice and hides his own feelings, putting others before himself (but when right buttons get pushed, he can be scary lol) so yeah, those two
20.) If you were on the run, what would you change your name to?
I’ve never thought of this...no clue
21.) Have you ever or do you want to change blog names?
I have changed names, yes; I used to be silverine-sims but after a time i didn’t ~vibe~ with it
22.) God forbid Tumblr decides to pull a MySpace and lets us have page songs, what song would you choose?
page songs like adding playlist to blog? i mean its possible already with bit of coding and I used to have one set up but uh one song huh? gosh um I guess Twisted Hearts by tasuku hatanaka; it was op for Moriarty the Patriot s2 and I’m pretty obsessed with it rn
23.) Oh yeah, I’m still on the MySpace train and I’m starting discourse! Who’s your top 8?
my brain refuses to think and rank; i have trouble with choices and that extends to favorites,,
24.) Did you understand those references or did you have to look them up? (I’m fully aware I’m ancient, but are you?)
i know of myspace but otherwise i have no clue what all it entailed
25.) One last question; why are you like that?
I grew up watching Secret Saturdays, He-Man, Teen Titans, Danny Phantom, and Spongebob idk what to tell ya ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Dag dag?
Now tag tag!!!
I know not all of you will do this or was tagged by izzy already but I’m tagging everyone I can think of anyway-
@cyansimblr @neriney @lunchsims @waysims @klayde @sinfulwunders @void-imp @ladykendalsims @lazysunjade @almost-spring @smolteabirb @lunaziie @clumsyghostie and uh uh anyone else cause its too early and my brain just quit
#for the card thing#i was gonna do playlist but then id have to think more and choose a few songs from many#for characters itaru from a3 was another one#but two i picked maybe work more#also what does dag dag mean??#or is it a play on tag to rhyme??#tagged#tag thing#was gonna use simself for this#buttt i deleted after that one dream self tag#and photo from it wasnt cutting it#so used this picrew one#from another tag lol#dagdagtheartisttag
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Hellllo! I’m back with another request;)) Would love a rec list for long fics or series fics!! Thanks:) (no worries if you have too much in your WIPs!)
Haikyuu fanfic recs but they’re long fics/long series :D
Hi anon! It’s alright, keep sending in the asks cause I like doing them more than the WIPs I have planned LOL. I tend not to read fics that are super long because it’s hard for me to get myself to start them (AHAHAH again, lackin’ the motivation all day err day), so this is gonna be missing some real popular ones :’). That being said, I’m considering long to be like 100k up? And for series, it’ll be at a total word count of the 100k up (rip to MOST of my faves ajkbfajskldbf). I also included a lot from my past posts cause I’ve recommended most of the longer fics I’ve read cause they’re SO good (oops) :( I also wasn’t sure if you meant like long series or just series in general, so I just did the long ones LOL. I hope you enjoy them!
As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3 (take breaks and drink water since you’re gonna be here for a while LOL)
CP:
Breaking the Rules by SuggestiveScribe (series) 205.3k // I LOVE THIS SERIES AHHHHHHHHH. Honestly I know the 205.3k word count is SCARY I UNDERSTAND BUT it is SO worth it. This series has a bunch of different ships (and a really cute ending stan AsaNoya) so I highly recommend it! Also if you don't mind smut (cause it is explicit for a reason LOL) then please I beg of you to read the whole series!!!!!!! I love love love this one and it really got me invested in the whole fanfic thing LOL.
love me like you do by crossbelladonna (T) 100.5k /IwaOi/ this fic was SUCH a rollercoaster omg. First, the concept itself was great and the execution was flawless and Ushiwaka was ajfnlajsdnf. AND THE ENDING!!!! THE ending omg. And Lev being a car made me laugh LMFAO. And we love f ups AHHHHH. If this made no sense, you’re right,,, it didn’t,,, so you should go read it so it does HAHAHA. (glad it made the 100k min, whew)
hq detective AUs by valiantarmor (series) 151.6k /BokuAka, KuroKen, IwaOi/ Man do I really love fighting in my fics LOL. This was super good and the plot itself kept me really engaged (what a twist omg). It does talk a bit about mental health issues, but it’s done so well, and they really did this AU justice! The three fics can be read separately BUT they’re all done so well, I think you should read them all :)
Terminal Curiosity by favspacetwink, moonlumie (series) 112.1k /SakuAtsu/ CHECK WARINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES!!! this is one of the BEST series I’ve read for this ship and even though I tend not to read WIP, IT’S WORTH IT! Please read ALL the tags before going into any of the fics in this series because there’s some real spicy stuff that may not be your cup of tea!
The Sky and Guilt Are the Only Feelings I Have Left by oopsthisisqueertoo (NR) 267.7k /BokuAkaKuroo/ ngl I picked it up as a rec from someone else after misreading that it was THIS long haha. But like I kept reading, and the suspense omg. It HAS a happy ending, so if you’re reading it and you start to feel empty, push through (tho take breaks) and finish because it DOES end HAPPY. (PLEASE READ THE TAGS, THERE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!)
Crumbling Foundations by Captain_Hughes_ZU, ToshiChan (T) 106.3k /MULTI/ I was debating whether or not to put this fic cause it actually doesn’t even have the angst tag (which I personally think it should). Honestly, it’s more a trauma fic than an angst fic idk I just wanted to put it somewhere because it’s written super well and although it was technically a ‘happy ending’ the interviews after prove else. Despite only being rated T, it’s got some intense TW so (PLEASE READ THE TAGS, THERE ARE SENSITIVE TOPICS!!!!)
New:
Superposition by todxrxki (M) 102.8k /KuroKen/ honestly, I think this was THE very first fic I’d ever read in general and it’s SO good. Like I really loved the plot and it’s such an interesting story! I also loved how Kuroo goes through a couple different bands and we see multiple relationships as well :D It’s a really fun read.
Ironically, I always say don’t be afraid of the high word count, yet I don’t start fics cause high word count LMFAO. I don’t have any new ones cause I’ve already recommended most if not all of the longest fics I’ve read, so below will be some that are in my to-be-read list cause the plot looks interesting but I have yet to find the motivation to read them LOL :’))))
bbacverse by skittidyne (series of two fics LOL) 894.5k // yeaaaaa you can see why I’m putting it off LOL. But the summary looks interesting and I’ve heard really good things about it SO I do want to read it, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet...
iwfyitd verse by knightswatch, shions_heart (series) 252.7k // I’ve been meaning to read this fic for the longest time, but then when I was about to read it, I got distracted with another ship (AHAHAHA OOPS)..... But yea, once I get back into KuroKen, I’ll prolly read it right?
omam verse by shions_heart (series) 239.3k // another KuroKen where I was like I will read, but then I got distracted LOL. And then I wanted to read it so I could read the other ships in the series, but it never happened :’)
Covered in the Colors by catholicorprotestant (E) 145.3k /MatsuHana/ I love matsuhana which is why I want to read this and the plot looked interesting!
Side A by Chibs (series) 241.9k // I like YakuLev (though I haven’t read a lot of it) and KyouHaba so yea but also the plot looked interesting LOL.
But yea, those are just a COUPLE of the ones I haven’t gotten around to reading, but want to LOL. Sorry about the lack of new fics (that I’ve already read), but I’m glad I could rec superposition somewhere LOL.
#anon reply#haikyuu fanfic rec#haikyuu fic recs#hq fic rec#anime#manga#haikyuu!!#bokuakakuroo#bokuaka#iwaoi#kuroken#sakuatsu#sugadai#yakulev#kyouhaba#matsuhana#long fic recs#yea this is a crap post#my bad#but honestly i don't have many i haven't already posted about#but sometimes that's just how it be#but hey im doing my wips#small graces right?#haikyuu#hq#rye rec reply
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Fav 2020 K-Dramas
1. Hospital Playlist
If there's anything I felt happy about in 2020, it's the fact that I've found my next ultimate fav kdramas. More than another, this kdrama feels like a home I could return to every time. Yes, hospital playlist is a slice of life drama that portrays the lives of people in hospital, but there's something about it that is so captivating to watch. I love how it realistically portrays the adults' daily lives & has no major villain of the story that heats things up whatsoever. Instead, I find it easy to emphatize with every character here, even with a patient who appears less than 5 minutes because this kdrama taught us that every life is worth it. And the friendship of the professors... it really has the power to bring joy & warmth to me.
(I also made a post about hospital playlist's characters study on my side blog. Here, if you’re interested).
2. Flower of Evil
Stories that revolve around someone who isn't capable of having emotions aren't nothing new in kdrama land. But this one, especially, is a gem. This one kept me on the edge of my seat because of how nerve wracking some of the scenes are. The suspenseful dramas, the mysteries, the romance...they're all so engaging to watch. I wasn't sure what to expect from the lead character and therefore it's exciting to see what was going to happen & to see how the characters would develop. And to be noted, I swear the cast who played the villain here gives off really scary vibes. He deserves an award for that alone
3. Mr. Queen
I'm not usually a big fan of Saeguk drama and yet here I am putting one on my fav kdrama list. I watched it merely to ease my boredom but then I surprised myself of how much I enjoyed this kdrama. The opening video was appealing & I love how entertaining Mr. Queen was. It became my weekly dose of serotonin (though it gets angsty at times). I thought the story's gonna be weird since it's about a man trapped in a woman's body in joseon era but heck, it was worth it; hilarious, and delicious (yeah, the cooking part) to watch. I've always known Shin Hye Sun is great at acting, but she truly nailed it in this one I swear.
4. 365: Repeat the Year
This drama is gold! It has a promising premise, and the rest of the story went better than I expected. It just never let me down. I thought it's merely about a time travel story, but turns out it's more than that. I never knew what to expect & every time I thought I figured something out, they always have a way to throw a surprise every week. This drama deserves more recognition imo.
5. When the Weather is Fine
This drama is a pleasant to eyes and heart. Watching it is like having a warm tea during winter days. I wasn't truly engaged with the first eps, but I slowly began to see how beautiful & heartwarming this drama is. Yes, the story pace is a bit slow, but I realized that it's important to make us understand each character deeply, what they suffer from, and how the characters slowly develop. It shows us that the journey toward emotional healing may take time, but it's worth it. Choosing to heal itself is a big step & deserves an appreciation. Another thing I highly praise from this drama is how it implicitly reminds us that if we do suffer emotionally, don't be afraid to ask for help, or to let someone help you.
6. Tale of the Nine Tailed
From the first moment I knew who would cast in this drama and what the drama is about, it's obvious that I'd love it. And I was right. The first eps had already got me hooked. The stories were amazing & funny at times. It has unique lovable characters that complete the drama. In addition, I love the mystical fantasy vibes and how they wrapped up urban legends in modern settings. Not to mention how adorable Kim Bum's character here. He & Lee Dong Wook's bromance is to die for.
7. Do You Like Brahms?
I watched it by chance, and then I fell in love the instant I watched the first eps. The drama is just beautifully done. It has soothing music & ambience and mainly revolves around good people. It's appealing how they portrayed the different perspectives between the lead couple--one who doesn't have talent but works hard to achieve her dream, and one who has talent but wishes he didn't have it. Though the lead couple has different dreams, I can't help but rooting for them... as I've never seen a relationship so awkward yet so real and so adorable before them.
8. Record of Youth
Honestly, it took a bit long for me to be completely enamored of the stories and feel what the characters feel. But as the stories developed, I began to cherish what this drama tried to show us: of how important it is to have good communication & to support each other in our family, of how everyone has different timings in life, and that everyone could have second chance in life. It's also refreshing to see the main couple here & how they interact; we could learn a lot from their communication & relationship. Overall, record of youth is one light & comforting kdrama that's perfect to watch while we need a short escape or need something to cheer us up.
9. Start Up
Honestly, I have a conflicted feelings towards this kdrama. It started off as great but...I have a hard time making sense of some of the stories afterward. And not to mention how we used to ship-debating every week it was a bit draining 😅. But to exclude it from my last year fav kdrama list seems wrong anyhow because I did love this drama. Idk, it gives off this positive energy that I needed to go through a crazy year. It somehow encouraged me to move forward & fight for my dream no matter what. The story's also quiet creative and relatable in nowadays world, while also educating us about the world of business.
10. Find Me in Your Memory
I started watching without any expectations and turns out it's really good. It's not hard to love this drama since it has likeable characters with interesting background (a guy who can't forget everything & a woman who forgets some of her important moments). The lead couple's interactions were interesting to watch. They have the kind of romance that grows slowly & when it finally reachs its peak, it burns. I loved every minute of it.
K-drama recommendations: 5/?
#kdrama#kdrama recommendations#kdrama recommendstion#korean dramas#drama recommendation#start up#find me in your memory#hospital playlist#mr queen#mr. queen#flower of evil#kdramas#when the weather is fine#do you like brahms?#do you like brahms#record of youth#365: repeat the year#tale of the nine tailed#lee dong wook#kim bum#shin hye sun#kim seon ho#park bo gum#moon ga young#fav kdramas
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HELLO! So, depression hit me hard and I've been MIA :( again :(
I've missed the blog a lot (and you♥️) and I KNOW I have tons of content to read and to giggle over! Cannot wait to giggle c:
I'd like to point out that the few times I came over I only liked peachesxkid posts because my agenda is stronger than any of my depression episodes.
Depression&Anxiety aside, I was also down because I couldn't find a job... BUT WHEN NO ONE THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁 I GOT AN OFFER! YES ! FINALLY! I'll start Monday, I've already had like 10 anxiety attacks since the offer and here we are ;) living the best life ;) breathing in AND out!!
Honestly, I'm so happy someone is giving me a chance to prove myself, I feel like screaming and crying at the top of a cliff!
Honestly pt.2, the only thing I can think of is the RJ slippers (or cushion, still deciding) I'll buy with my first salary🤷🏻♀️ see, I have a lot of self control when it comes to buying stuff... but RJ.... RJ is my weakness. I really want the slippers and the cushion... but the shipment and customs and stuff are expensive in a way that my responsible side emerges aaaaaaa mannaggia. I'll get one for sure.
How are you? What did I miss? How are things going? Have you seen orange yoongi? That man is insane :<
What was your most listened song in the spotify wrapped? Mine was
... yeah, mono is 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻
I won't talk or mention the concerts as I am not mature enough to not get eaten by envy :)
I'd really like to know what's going on with you c:
Ps. Why do I share all of this? I don't know, sorry if it is a bother😅 as always, you don't have to publish my rumblings. Do as you like!
Love,
🌸
Hi love!!! I'm putting my response under the cut just so it's not too long for people to scroll by lol
I'm sorry to hear that the depression and anxiety has hit :( I hope you've been taking care of yourself the best you can. I'm also glad that you took some time away for yourself (but every time I did see you pop up in my notifications I got very happy).
I'm glad to know that even in a depressive episode you're still on your kid/peaches agenda hahaha amazing.
Congrats on the job!!! It's definitely scary starting a new job but you'll do great! I'm happy for you and proud of you <3 gotta get some RJ merch for sure!!! Cutest little bubs I swear.
I'm ok!! I've been running low on energy and motivation lately and idk have felt a little disconnected from everything (probably some depression of my own lol) but I think I might be pulling myself out of it here. Hopefully!
ORANGE YOONGI MY BELOVED!!!!
Omg I love that seoul was your top song, you and I must be repping our fav rapper boys because my top song was People lol. Four of my top five songs were bts/bts solo songs so yeah, still on my bangtan shit lol.
I understand the concert envy so I've been choosing to just be really excited and happy for the tannies, they had the time of their lives and I'm so glad they finally got to experience live shows like that again :(
I'm glad you stopped by my lovely, I've missed you!! <3
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Not putting this in any tags because it doesn’t really belong in tags, this is just a thought from only me and posting negative stuff in tags about what people like is gross, but Oz/Damien is really a discomfort to me man, huge turn-off when I see that ship, idk why too much, though. I see a lot of myself in Oz maybe and people like Damien are really scary and stressful to be around, plus the official polaroid description really doesn’t portray a very healthy relationship. I’m not super keen on it personally just because of how much I relate to Oz, speaking from my own personal projecting-ass experience lol, I just think Oz needs someone calm and patient around him so he can open up and feel comfortable just being himself when there’s no pressure on him, and people like Damien are folks I’ve definitely been friends with but not ones I would ever trust with much personal stuff about me or go to in a time of need.
Make no mistake I like Damien, he’s a hilarious and fun character and I think him and Oz can be friends, but that’s just my own personal two cents on the ship, I think I just see it everywhere because of its popularity and it gets me thinking about it and why I just can’t see them clicking.
Ofc if you love the ship and find it a huge comfort this is no smoke to you, you’re very, very valid in liking what you like! This is just a thought I’ve had for a while and wanted to kind of like… yell it into the void of my blog, vomit it at the foot of my followers and go “here, you didn’t ask for this :)” Also me putting this down trying to figure out why seeing the Oz/Damien ship everywhere mildly annoys me because I wasn’t too sure why I outright didn’t like it, not just wasn’t crazy about it like I am with just about every other ship.
That’s my random thought vomit anyway lol, precious comfort characters go brrrr and regardless of my opinion go have a hell of a time shipping whatever you want, rarepair or most popular ship in the fandom, like fuck it dude do what you want shipping is such a silly and fun little thing to just enjoy and sometimes we’ll enjoy them differently but damn!! That’s really cool tbh
Again not tagging this because I don’t want me being negative in tags associated with the ship or characters, that’s not fair to the people browsing those tags for actual content about the tag, but if this does show up in tags by tumblr word association or something please lmk! I don’t want my ramblings to end up in the wrong place and bring someone’s mood down, because at the end of the day this post is purely for me trying to shake a bunch of incoherent thoughts out of my brain. This is more of a reason why I’m personally not a fan and don’t interact with content regarding the ship, not a reason why someone else shouldn’t like it.
Had to throw my thoughts somewhere, brain clogged like a pencil sharpener that needs to be emptied
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