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cinnamostar · 3 months

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ethereality

pairing : felix x gn!reader

summary : early mornings with your boyfriend

wc : 913

cw : fluff, mentions of insecurities, just rambling abt being in love idk, not proofread

a/n : i got very inspired by the book im reading rn so i wrote this lil thing in an hour lol let me know what you think!! likes + reblogs appreciated <3

You lay next to your boyfriend, Felix, who was flat on his back with an arm wrapped around your shoulder. You’re laying on your side, pressing against him with a leg over his as the morning light creeps behind the curtains, coloring Felix’s face in an iridescent glow. Days like this were your favorite, where it was only you, Felix, and the quiet early mornings that lazed around with you til one of you decided it was time to get up.

Your eyes study Felix’s features, drinking up each detail of him for the millionth time as he scrolls through whatever social media app caught his attention today. His eyes were dark as the universes’ vast skies, yet they were not void of life or hope, his eyes gleaming as if God stepped down and personally hung the stars in his coffee eyes. It was as if his freckles were each gingerly placed down with the tender and steady hand of a painter, one whose precision and attention to detail you thanked every day for blessing you with this angelic sight, one your earthly eyes would never be able to fully appreciate. He was too grand for any being on this planet, not even those with the finest tastes and have witnessed all the luxuries of the world would ever understand just how artisanal he was.

Your fingers trace down his cheekbones, eyes wandering just below his jaw where an emerald vein glowed beneath his skin, just like a photograph of lightning striking down. It was silly, you thought to yourself, it was silly to have found yourself so hopelessly in love with a boy that now you couldn’t help but compare his beauty to the cosmos and world around you. His very being emanated an ethereal energy that you wish you could compare to, one you alway felt you constantly felt short to, but you prayed under hushed incantations that you’d be able to bask under it for the rest of your life.

Was it obsessive? Was it almost biblical the way you found yourself revering him? Probably, but you were too lovesick to ever question it, finding yourself trapped in his orbit, though you wouldn’t have it any other way. For years, scholars in the olden days questioned whether the sun revolved around us, but you quickly found the answer in a matter of seconds the day you met Felix. How pitiful, you thought, all they had to ever do was fall in love to answer that question, but they were too nose deep into their mathematical equations to ever recognize such an obvious truth of life.

“You okay, love?” His deep voice breaks you out of your trance, an amused smile playing onto his lips as he glances down at your lovestruck state.

“Better than okay,” you reply, a flustering heat racing to your cheeks, feeling shy that he had — once again — caught you admiring him.

He drops his phone to his side as he languidly reaches his other arm over you, squeezing you into a tight embrace as he presses a chaste kiss on your forehead, “Can I know what you’re thinking about?” he asks in a hushed whisper, his lips next to your ears, sending shivers down your spine.

A soft chuckle escapes you at his sudden affection, only deepening your embarrassment, “Only for a kiss,” you tease, still giggling as he peels his face away from the crook of your neck with a feigned expression of betrayal.

“Oh? I didn’t know my kisses became a form of currency now,” nonetheless, through his candied smile, he leans down to place a loving peck on your lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away, “Alright, pay up now. I did my side of the bargain,” he jokes.

You roll your eyes playfully, your heart bursting at its seams, struggling to contain the overwhelming amount of love it was just attacked with. “Fine, fine. I was just admiring how handsome you are. Is that a crime?”

He chuckles shyly under your compliments, his cheeks flushing into a light pink, your words always seem to leave him defenseless. “You’re too kind to me, love,” he replies, a sad undertone seeping through his words. Despite your onslaught of adoration for him, despite how many times you have made it clear to him how irrevocably in love you were, he could never quite understand what you saw in him.

“You deserve no less,” you reply tenderly, your hands running through his hair comfortingly, sensing his insecurities bubble up just by the slight shift in his tone.

“Thank you,” he holds you tighter, his face finding itself in your shoulder once more to avoid your gaze, “I just wish I saw what you saw,” he confesses somberly.

You ponder for a moment, trying to find the right words, “I guess it’s like the sun, baby. The sun is perhaps one of the prettiest things this planet has had the privilege to witness, and it fills our bleak little planet with so much love and life.”

He hums at your words, taking them in before responding, “I think it sucks being the sun sometimes.”

“Hm, why do you say that?”

“The sun can’t see itself,” he thinks aloud, “but I guess at least it gets to see the world around it,” he releases you from his hold, laying once more on his back while looking above, “Like you, like the beauty it has to offer.”

#cinnamostar writes #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #skz fanfic #skz imagines #lee felix x reader #felix x reader #skz scenarios #skz fluff #skz felix #skz felix x reader #skz x you #stray kids felix #stray kids felix x reader #stray kids x you #lee felix

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showtoonzfan · 1 month

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Just want to preface this by saying i love ur analysis sm- u put my exact thoughts into words when i cant verbalise whats wrong with a particular writing decision 🥲🥲

Anyway, smth ive noticed is how... little time vivzie actually spends on writing or characterizing or fleshing out her characters.

Which has to be the weirdest thing so far bc every writer and artist ive met agree that its the best part of making an oc! Its so fun to think of backstories and tie that into their current personality and generally just figuring out random details to get to know your characters!

Like, my ocs are my best friends, i know everything abt them from their trauma and childhoods, to their favourite food and music.

But time and time again she proves that her characters are at best acquaintances... the fandom fleshes out the characters so well and with so much love and care and thought that vivzie herself cant do and its just sad.

Not even mentioning the hundreds of retcons and how characters will just change personality randomly or act out of character which results in the work feeling like a fanfic of itself. (Ironic considering some fanfics have better and more consistent characterisation)

It feels like shes making it up as she goes, instead of having an actual plan. Just shoving random ideas she likes or picks up from the much more creative fandom into the 2 shows without actually stopping and thinking abt the consequences or implications.

Theres so many decisions shes made that irk me so bad... the ideas individually have potential but they either dont fit the show or have to make huge retcons and result in the plot not making any sense.

Also, ngl but she has the worst case of tell dont show ive ever seen my god 😭😭 like... you realise you have to show things instead of just fucking singing it or having a character say it??? Or is that another thing that the fandom has to do so they can convince themselves that the show has good characters??

Atp idk how to salvage the show... i keep finding more and more plotholes and unless i literally turn my brain off and only focus on haha funny dick joke or pwetty colors, these questions keep popping into my head making it a painful unenjoyable experience.

Again, if the fandom has to justify your bad nonsensical hypocritical worldbuilding then you failed. Massively.

Anyway im very sleepy rn just wanted to rant a bit bc im a writer and artist myself and it pisses me off how someone gets their show on the air and still doesnt care abt putting in effort into their plot or characters beyond aesthetics and random ideas that dont go well together...

You’re speaking facts! And it’s honestly like..kinda funny too that people who have their own OC’s can flesh them out and deep dive into their arcs/backstories ect, yet a professional showrunner who’s had these characters for YEARS can’t even give the majority of her characters flaws or quirks, or even consistency, same goes for Helluva Boss.

Viv is a really good example at letting inspired writers know what not to do when making a story and characters so at least they have that lol.

#reply #ask #all facts btw heavily agree #thanks for ranting to me!#vivziepop critical #spindlehorse critical #hazbin hotel critical #anti vivziepop #Hazbin critical

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narcissistshandler · 8 months

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Thinkin abt spider noir alot.. idk if you'd write for him but if you do (i think he was on your character list?)

ftm reader with noir.. i feel like he'd be so gentle and caring unless its like been a stressful night, then he'd use your body to take out his stress ♡ perhaps :)

𝗛𝗢𝗪 𝗧𝗢 𝗗𝗘𝗔𝗟 𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗛 𝗦𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗦

✧ 𝖯𝖠𝖨𝖱𝖨𝖭𝖦 male reader x spider noir (peter parker)

✧ 𝖶𝖠𝖱𝖭𝖨𝖭𝖦𝖲 afab!reader, oral sex (reader receiving), fingering (reader receiving), folds/lips/pussy and such words used to describe/refer the reader's genitalia, pussy slapping (reader receiving), a bit of overstimulation at the end, a little bit of sub!reader but hinted at reader and noir being switches

✧ 𝖠/𝖭 I write to him don't worry ♡ sorry for the delay in the updates, the end of the year is always complicated for me and this has not yet been edited

Being with Noir meant among many things that he needed you. He had made the first move, shown interest in you and always treated you with a kindness and chivalry that sometimes you considered if you weren't having a dream - but when the kisses deepened, your breaths combined quickened and he asked you with his voice dripping desire 'if it was ok to go further', you know, no dream compared to reality.

He needed your company, your presence. You were the only one capable of making that rage that craved in his chest after a hard night, not devour him. It was okay, you liked these two different sides of him and it was great to be able to help him and have his complete and total trust, even when the consequences of being Noir's human stress ball were more physical than anything and most of the time, your night's sleep was completely wasted in favor of fulfilling your boyfriend's urges.

Marks were always left behind the next day, some so striking with the colors deepening or blood pooling on the surface that as if a valve had been turned, the causer of them all couldn't stop asking if you were all right and if he had hurt you. Bites so deep that the imprint of his teeth would be implanted in your skin for days on the inside of your thighs, extremely close to your sex, that always throbbed non-stop after how he touched you.

Apologies weren't necessary though, you always repeated it to him. You had liked it.

Even the way Noir opened the door gave him away. The heaviest steps. The heavy silence as he moved through the house, prowling around you again and again as if you were prey he was planning to pounce on.

Sitting on the couch in the living room, you waited, seeming to be watching the program that was playing on the television, even though your focus had already been diverted.

It took less time than usual, which said something about how Noir's night had gone. He dropped to his knees in front of you, blocking your line of vision, hat and mask discarded, but the rest of spider-man's costume kept and before you could feign irritation, he leaned in and kissed you. It was like he wanted to devour you, stop you from breathing and drown in you. There was no care or gentleness in the way he grabbed your hair and thrust his tongue into your mouth. He smelled of gunpowder and blood.

Foreplay was dropped, the usual patience with which he liked to take things and make it last, gone. You weren't complaining though.

The shorts and underwear you were wearing were pulled down your legs, the ripping sound of fabric seeming to ignite his hurried movements. The urgency with which he wanted you would never fail to turn you on, only you could get that kind of reaction from him.

Noir's slender fingers covered in black gloves grabbed your ankles, lifting your legs so that your feet were resting on the couch. Then his touch descended, fingers digging carelessly into your thighs as his thumbs pulled your folds open, exposing you completely with a methodicality that was almost cold, if not for the hunger in his eyes. Noir moved you like you were a rag doll, positioning you as he wanted.

The night air hit your warm, sensitive skin, still dry but already pulsing with anticipation.

The kiss was broken and you gasped for air, saliva running down your chin. Not a word was exchanged; the voices coming from the television dissolved into a background blur. He crouched down between your legs, eyes dark and heavy; hot breath reaching where you were most sensitive.

There was no teasing or slowing down. He ran his tongue between your folds, getting a taste, before burying himself between your thighs, sucking and licking you as if he needed you to survive.

The air caught in your chest and your legs twitched in his grip, moans and sighs starting to come out of your swollen lips from kisses.

Noir pulled back and before you could make any attempt to regain that stimulation, one of his hands left your leg and came down in a firm, painful slap against your sensitive clit.

Your entire body reacted to the pain, legs shooting together in a feeble attempt to stop the interested yet painful contracting of your stricken clitoris. Noir's control soon returned, spreading your legs apart once more and his tongue flicking against your clit, calming the pain that he himself caused — and that you allowed.

The pain is soon swallowed up by sweet pleasure. His eager mouth explored every inch of your wetness, tongue dancing along your sensitive folds, swirling around your throbbing clit, before sliding down and over the sensitive entrance, working its way inside, first superficially, just the wet tip venturing inside, then deeper, his nose slamming with such violence against your clit that it made your entire body shudder as he tried to press his tongue all the way inside you, licking your sensitive walls.

One of your hands shot into his disheveled hair and your hips rocked back against his mouth, pleasure burning through your veins with a burn that set your skin on fire, your heels digging into the couch for support, legs trembling beside his face.

Your body grew hot under Noir's ministrations, quickly getting wetter and wetter for him and you knew a wet spot would be left behind on the sofa beneath you. You opened your mouth, wanting to say something, anything to him, how good he was, how good he made you feel, that he would make you come soon; but only a breathy sigh sounded in the air joining the wet noise your pussy was making.

Rocking against his face, you dragged yourself against his tongue, which slid in a wet, messy line from your entrance to your clit. You could feel yourself leaking into his mouth and wetting his face, occasionally Noir's nose and chin dragging against your damp, sensitive skin.

Every suck, lick and sloppy kiss takes you higher and higher, pulse pounding in your ears, until you can practically taste the sweet release that hovers just in the back of your dry throat.

You come hard, the muscles in your legs clenching so hard it hurts, your free hand gripping the top of the sofa at your back. A loud moan left your mouth and your fingers tugged hard on Noir's hair, fighting the sensitivity as you continued to rock back against his tongue, extending the delicious orgasm.

Noir closed his full lips around your throbbing clit and sucked, a hint of teeth almost making you kick him if it weren't for his fingers digging into your thighs, preventing you from moving sharply as he drank every drop that came out of you.

You moaned in response, and tried to remind yourself that this was more about him than you — even if it was mostly about his mouth on you.

Just when the pleasure started to get painful, he pulled away and you allowed yourself to take a deep breath. Moisture wet the lower part of his face, Noir licked his lips, eyes fixed on your pulsing sex. One of his hands moved down the inside of your thighs and brushed one of your pussy lips away with his thumb, then reached in and spat.

The action was damn dirty. Your pussy throbbed in time with your stuttering heartbeat, and you both watched Noir's spit slide its way down between your folds, before it could spill out of you, two of his gloved fingers slid from your clit to your entrance, using his spit to ease penetration into your already wet and relaxed hole.

"We're not done yet." Noir finally spoke, his voice sounding low and husky, almost unfamiliar in your ears. As most times, he looked completely composed, even when he was kneeling on the living room floor, his hair disheveled, face wet with your fluids and the heavy black coat like a cape draped over his shoulders and crawling against the floor. One gloved hand digging into your left thigh as his dark eyes watched your hole open to accommodate the fingers of his other hand.

You gasp and whimper, toes curling into the fabric of the sofa as you feel the familiar, cold gloved fingers slip inside you, between your walls rippling with the aftershocks of pleasure. Your head falls back onto the sofa, limp hands finding each other clutching the fabric of the t-shirt you were still wearing, pleasure rippling through your head and overstimulation equal parts painful and blissful.

Subconsciously, your body wanted more and as much as you knew that night was far from over, the idea didn't displease you, you knew Noir needed it, he needed you and you needed him too.

"Yes," you agreed with a sigh, your tone full of erotic amusement. "Until you're tired, dear."

A shadow of a smile tugged at his lips, the first emotion other than irritation he'd shown since returning home. He kissed you, softly, totally contrary to how he pressed his fingers harder inside you, a third and fourth finger pressing against your entrance. Gunpowder, blood, musk and sweat hovering like a perfume around his shadowy figure.

"Do you want a toy? Want me to tie you up?" you questioned, panting against his lips. On nights like this, it wasn't just about Noir getting everything he could from you, it was also about needing you to take everything and then some more from him. "Or anything else? You can tell me."

Noir shook his head, the words still hard to get out. "Not now."

"Not now," you agreed and kissed him one more time, handing over complete control of the situation to him, for now at least.

#x male reader #across the spiderverse x reader #across the spiderverse x male reader #atsv x reader #atsv x male reader #atsv x you #spider noir x you #spider noir x reader #spider noir x y/n #spider noir x male reader #spider noir smut #atsv x y/n #atsv smut

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h4venpha · 1 year

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↳ 𝐁𝐋𝐋𝐊 𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐒' 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒:

with… nagi seishirou, kunigami rensuke, reo mikage, chigiri hyoma

idk abt part two yet ^^

NAGI SEISHIROU: quality time

- nagi isnt much of a talker, so no words of affection. hes lazy, so not acts of service. quality time just fits so well because ?? its effortless, anything else is just a hassle for him (/hj)

- he enjoys lazy days where he can just sit around with you, watch tv or just stay in bed all day long. its simple and he enjoys your company

- a comfortable silence is often created during these lazy days. he’s on his phone laying in your lap while youre on yours or youre watching the television or something. theres no need for interactions or talking in general

- (i wanna mention the nagi episode manga chapter where nagi’s eyes literally start glowing when reo tells him he likes being around him) nagi honestly thinks he’s boring, like he will literally admit it. he thinks hes a boring person and he doesnt think anyone really wants to be around him

- so when you ask him to just lay around all day with you hes like, “…really? is it okay?”

- and so many days end up as lazy days. quiet, relaxed days where neither of you have to talk much, its just being around each other, enjoying and accepting each others company

KUNIGAMI RENSUKE (pre-wildcard): acts of service

- regardless of how strong or tall you are, kunigami willing to do anything for you just because he can

- “oh you cant reach this? i got it for you, here!” or “you need to move this? let me help, y/n!”

- not only is it because hes more than capable of helping out, but because he thinks its considerate and attentive.

- he’s all sweet smiles whenever you ask for help, especially when you can’t reach something. 6 foot and two fucking inches and he practically towers over you (at least he does for me), and so whenever you have to stand on your tip toes to reach for something, he always notices. He walks up behind you with a small smile as he watches you struggle.

- and you dont even notice until his deep voice booms from behind you, it almost surprises you. and he’s reaching up, arm extending over your fucking head, to grab what you need. when he hands it to you, there’s a sweet, almost amused look on his face. of course he can’t help but tease a little bit. but before he walks away, he leans down, eye to eye with you, and pats your head as a you’re welcome

REO MIKAGE: gift giving, words of affection

- ive spoken briefly about my headcanon of giving gifts to words of affection reo

- i feel like his entire life growing up, he was bought things as a form of “love”, so really thats all he knew

- you have to sit down with him and tell him that although you appreciate it, he doesnt have to buy you the world.

- you simply teach him that theres so much more to showing love than buying things

- reo ends up learning from what you taught him. BUT not only does he continue to give you gifts, he includes small love letters along with them.

- a bouquet of fresh, colorful roses with a small white envelope tucked into the flowers with a little message.

- messages like: for my precious! <3 if you were a flower i’d pick you!

CHIGIRI HYOMA: acts of service, physical touch

- pushing the male wife chigiri agenda AGAIN !! (dedicated to puriiii <3)

- now normally, chigiri could give less of a fuck about what other people need/want. hes the type of guy who walks past someone who dropped something bc literally hes like “uh. whatever…” like they can pick it back up themself, he quite literally just does not give a shit

- but the moment you need something, he is ON IT. it doesnt matter how big or small, whether you need a tissue or you’d like some water, hes literally rushing to get it

- immediately stopping whatever he was doing to jump up and get what you need

- speedy little man has it for you in 0.5 seconds

- its nothing too complicated, just “oh my lover needs something, so i’ll get it right away”

- now physical touch. i dont mean like, absolutely smothering you all the time like nagi’s headcanons. i mean like, touches that leave you with shivers

- he’s trying to get around you for something or he’s passing by and his slender fingers end up ghosting lightly at your waist or hips (bonus points if you have some kind of cropped shirt on…he knows exactly what he’s doing when he intentionally slips his cold fingers against your warm skin)

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inawearyworld · 4 months

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little things in the wonka score/soundtrack that get me every time: a post made by a music major with severe brainrot (seriously it’s getting bad)

• even though i’m not sure how to feel abt what they did orchestrally to pure imagination when it was sung in full, i loved the way it was interwoven until then-the opening credits, the clock tower chiming its intro, etc

• when the intro to hatful of dreams ends and the instrumental HITS. that was the moment i was sitting in the theater like “…oh i’m going to be so charmed by this movie huh”

• something abt the way timmy sings “i’ve put everything i’ve got into my choc’late”. see above bullet point

• welcome to scrubbit’s has no right to be that much of a banger

• the low brass in scrub scrub HELLOOOOO?!?!? the chromatic slides. the muted trumpets. abacus’ bass moments (go off king). the song is literally about laundry and yet IT GOES SO HARD

• walk into the club on a friday night like FIRST YOU PICK UP THE APPAREL AND YOU

• the instrumental of ynhclt that plays while everyone’s flying is so cheesy and so golden-age-of-hollywood-children’s-musical and i cannot help but smile

• the cuh-lassic “one instrument at a time” opening of sweet tooth

• mathew baynton’s voice. that’s it that’s the bullet point.

• #GiveTheCartelMoreTight3PartHarmonies2k24

• well we’ve got lots and lots and lots and loTS AND LOTS AND LOWHY AM I SINGINGGGGGGG

• somethin about how the “noodle noodle” countermelody is a sort of arpeggiated outline of each chord, like a vocal warmup, like he’s letting her take the melody bc he knows she will in time. i’m gonna sob they’re literally family

• the orchestration of for a moment, esp while they’re dancing on the rooftop, just SOARS. idk if anyone here has seen mr magorium’s wonder emporium but that movie shaped my childhood, it’s probably my favorite film score ever, and this instrumental bit is SOOOO reminiscent of it

• clock tower. a fifty-second masterpiece

• CHOCOPOCALYPSE. (for those of us who were on the theatre kid side of the internet in 2018, i think chocopocalypse should be the new calculust. hear me out)

• mat’s voice gets a second bullet point bc what the hell man. literally the sonic embodiment of dark mint chocolate. h e l p m e

• …#fickelgruberisathinmint2k24

• noodle’s portion of ynhclt, while she’s teaching willy to read, has a few instrumental nods to mozart’s famous sonata in c, a typical piece for piano beginners-kids-to learn. in the 1971 film mrs teavee incorrectly identifies mozart as rachmaninoff. this MOVIE

• i wish there could have been more, and more involved/complex, ensemble vocal moments

• charlotte ritchie <3 (okay i’m biased sue me)

• the new orchestration for the oompa loompa song is straight fire

• the LEITMOTIFS the fucking LEITMOTIFS!!!!!!!! the opening fanfare that became the basis of hatful of dreams popping up here and there. the melody to a world of your own playing whenever he thinks of his mom. every time we think willy’s safe from the cartel, ope there’s that descending major sixth again.

• (now that i think about it. sweet tooth is in g major of all keys, rather atypical of a villain song. most of the intervals are major too. it’s the trembling strings that give it that “evil” sound. and it fits so well-like, “we’re not completely immoral! time for a fun little tango! there’s colorful lights! killthisguyplsOH LOOK CONFETTI!” they’re so sinister i love it)

• the way that the intro to a world of your own echoes the intro to pure imagination

• THE ORCHESTRATION DURING “chocolate bushes, chocolate trees” etc AND THE WAY IT BUILDS OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD. MY HEART JUST BURSTS. EVERY TIME. I AM NOT IMMUNE TO CHEESY MUSICALS.

• the!! chromatic!! basslines!! in!! that!! song!!!!!!!!

• the fact that the bridge comes before the second verse-name any other songs where that happens i dare you. just another example of willy changing the narrative in every way

• the fact that sorry noodle is AN ENTIRE *OTHER* COUNTERMELODY that then falls back into the for a moment melody at the end what the FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

• the monks chanting “giraffe. a massive giraffe”. so fucking funny

• stripping down pure imagination to its essence while willy sings it to noodle was a thousand percent the right decision. and the lyric changes for the situation are sooooooo clever

• as someone who grew up with the 71 movie and has been utterly enamored with its music her whole life, i’m not the world’s hugest fan of this version’s pure imagination orchestration; i get they felt they had to do something different, it just feels slightly too modern/disneyesque, but it had the vibe that they intended for the end of the movie

• anyway god i love this score

#wonka 2023 #wonka movie #wonka #neil hannon #joby talbot #timothée chalamet #calah lane #mathew baynton #charlotte ritchie

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crispplant · 3 months

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TWST BUT ITS MY STONER HCS FOR THEM I GUESS

guys I don’t know how to make the text a diff color how do I do that. NVM I FIFURED IT OUT

Anyways um my hcs for twst gang on whether or not they smoke b. C I’m high rn & I want to

HEARTSLABYUL

Riddle: u look me in the eye & tell me he hasn’t tried taking a hit at least once. He broke the rules like once when he was younger he’s definitely done it again. Trey & Chenya offered him a hit once btw I was there. I think it was just a one time thing for him tho, he did it once & decided he didn’t like it so he hasn’t done it since

Ace: not a stoner and has not smoked before, but deffo wants to. If u asked him to join a sesh he’d be like hell yeah & then be internally shitting himself bc it’s his first time smoking. Gets the munchies when he’s high (bro would luv Taco Bell btw)

Deuce: somehow I think he hasn’t yet. wants to try it but also a lil nervous abt it idk. would only smoke with ppl hes totally comfy with (ace, yuu, u get it)

Cater: trying to fight off the demons telling me he’d be a stoner but like. I just feel like he Could be ynk. Actually. I think he’s the type to only have hit pens before. I think he has a pen. Bro probably suddenly panics and pats down all his pockets going “where’s my pen”. I mean this in the most endearing way I luv him okay

Trey: also fighting off the demons telling me he’d be a stoner. I thinkkkk……I think he would not be a stoner but he’d be so chill w someone being like do u wanna join a sesh. I think he’s used to chenya smoking so he’d be so good at babysitting anyone who needs to be watched if they get a lil too high ynk. the big brother instinct kicks in & he’s like “okay you need to Sit down” (and sat I will be🫡)

SAVANACLAW

Leona: oh man. Oh man. Leona’s a stoner & I know bc I smoke w him btw. it just feels right ynk idk I just think he needs Smthn to keep him sane at that school and I just think part of it is weed. He shares w ruggie sometimes bc they’re actually bestest friends in the whole wide world obvi.

Ruggie: I think he picks up for whenever leona buys another ounce. He’s like walking thru the halls of nrc w an ounce on him & if anyone asks him abt it he’s just like haha idk what u mean. really only smokes w leona but will always say yes to a sesh if he’s invited. Deffo gets munchies & cooks up some banger meals for him & whoever he’s with. Coughs like a mf tho. He’ll be like choking so bad & leona has to be like “r u good”.

Jack: no. He’d just side eye someone if he smells weed on them. The way dogs do ynk. That’s all

OCTAVINELLE

Azul: no 1 azul hater tries to make hc for azul that doesn’t include being mean to him challenge. Level impossible. um . He um . I think no, he definitely watches the tweels get high & goes what the hell.freaks. but I don’t think he’s ever rlly felt compelled to smoke anyways

Jade: o ya. Ya. Hes so a stoner. I do think he prefers shrooms & grows his own but he enjoys getting high from anything natural 🫶

Floyd: u look me in the eye & tell me this freak isn’t a stoner. He’s probably stoned more days than not esp during class idfk. He gets rlly quiet if he gets high enough tho. He just has many thoughts.

SCARABIA

Kalim: another one I’m split on idk. I rlly think it could go either way. Ummmmm ok he smokes occasionally & gets a lil paranoid whenever he’s high enough but knows how to just 🤫 sit quietly with his thoughts and talk himself thru it

Jamil: stoner. Same reasons as leona I think, he just needs smthn to decompress sometimes. will NOT smoke w kalim bc he feels the need to babysit him always. Probably smokes every night after kalims asleep just so he doesn’t have to worry abt anything 🙏

POMEFIORE

Vil: not a stoner but will occasionally smoke. weed has health benefits but the actual smoke will fuck up his vocal chords if he does it enough so he only does it sometimes 🤫

Rook: no. As much as I want to say yes I feel like he’s enough of a freak to enjoy being sober all the time ynk. He’s probably like *french accent* “augh non✨smouqing marajuanna will dull my senses✨I preghfer to stay aleghrt and awaghre at aull times” idk

Epel: oh this kid has been smoking since middle school for sure. He’s made an apple into a pipe once. Doesn’t smoke as much as like leona or jamil but he’s definitely up there. Vil isn’t super fond of the smell of weed so he has to sneak around outside to do anything (unless vil joins).

IGNIHYDE

Idia: this man has never touched weed in his life. He starts getting paranoid before his first hit. I don’t have much to say abt him I don’t know. Oh I do feel like he’s done acid tho?? Idk. He gets nervous abt weed but he just kinda popped a tab once & went on a journey & was fine abt it.

Ortho: um nuh uh. Can he um….would he even be able to….like..inhale…………..sry um anyways. He is not allowed to do drugs anyways

DIASOMNIA

Malleus: He’s gotten high before but he got so paranoid & then hungry & then he passed out for 12 hours so he’s not fond of it. I think if yuu asked him to join a sesh he’d agree tho. He’d be like “haha. Childof man. Of course I will smoke with you. And nothing bad will happen.”

Lilia: HELLLL YEAH HES A STONER. Oh he’s sooo a stoner he knows his shit too he has like five different strains & he’s like do u want this one or this one or this one. Is so so good at taking care of ppl too. Has been thru it all so🫶would be very good to smoke w if it’s ur first time. Also very big advocate for no peer pressuring. Always makes sure everyone’s comfy & not freaking out.

Silver: not a stoner definitely but he’s probably smoked like once or twice. Probably takes the best naps after. But took a bong rip once & did not have a good time. Too much too fast. The room was spinning & he had to lay down.

Sebek: so not a stoner but has smoked one(1) time when mal did. he got so quiet & in his head & ppl kept being like “😟are u okay” bc he wasn’t yelling. Lilia was good abt checking in on him. He was fine he just had so so many thoughts in his brain.

Ok that’s all ty 4 reading🤞🤞

Anyways remember if ur gonna be under the influence of anything 2 stay safe, stay smart, & if soemone tried to peer pressure u into anything then bite them rlly hard🫶

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spacecowboy6780 · 2 months

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HII !!! LOVED YOUR ART ♡

do your csm ocs have lore? i'd love to read it ! (not me trying to make fanart no how would you think that nooooo of course nooooott)

HAADJKFMKLGD THANK YOUUU SO MUCH 😭😭 i dont know if i really have any good lore yet... im pretty bad at making that typa stuff i kinda just draw things lol

Orion!!

(i draw him a little differently each time dw abt it)

his pants are like- loose at the bottom so not tight fit :)) and he has like black combat boots i guess he's a whole sucker for black and white clothing hehe..

has a tongue piercing and a piercing on his right ear

he has a contract with the fox devil

likes the color white

does mma, anything to do with shooting things, and fishing

barem's right hand man (just a person to do his dirty work lol)

he's wasian, white mom (died during his birth), japanese dad (hates him for his mom's death and makes him try twice as hard because of it)

from a rich family who owns a [blank] company (i haven't decided what yet, i feel like a gun company would work but that's kinda ironic cuz yk)

he was a good child! always trying to meet his father's standards so he could do well, he wanted to be the best because he wanted his father's "love" (it wasn't really love. his father was emotionally manipulative and abusive and only gave him "love" whenever he did something in his favor or good. when he didn't he would tell him how much of a disgrace he is. only to treat him nicely again when he did something good.)

a social bird, made friend easily all throughout his school years, a popular and friendly person. he started to realize he could do whatever during his highschool years, because of his status as the sole heir to his father's company so he started to become more rebellious, going out more, skipping classes, getting drunk, but he always brought back straight A's. he became a rowdy asshole genius typa guy

closeted homo up to college years, he started really embracing his gay then. during highschool and middle school he would date women but he didn't really feel anything for them and would usually break up with them after a few months. he would make up the sweetest and most heartbreaking reasons why and they would forgive him, when in reality he really didn't care about them

his dad was suffering from heart issues as he got older, and as orion got older he grew to hate his dad, he slowly poisoned him with arsenic which led to him having a heart attack and dying!! one day he accidentally put too much arsenic into his food but he was like yknow what it's okay and then made sure to keep the maids away from his slowly decaying father, put him to bed early and tada he had a heart attack

he got away with it cause a) he’s the sole heir to the company and b) if he went to court? 💰💥💰💥💰💥

he met barem at the chainsaw church!! he was curious about it, flyers and all over town so he went to check it out. he got a tour from one of the church members before bumping into him. it was kind of a physical attraction at first, he just wanted to get into his pants. so he got a tour from barem, saying he didn't remember any of it (playing dumb blond stereotype lol). but after talking to him he was like hey wait this guy is also kind of cool and an eye opener (idk what he would've said i'll figure something out) and then he started to reeeeally take a liking to barem. he started to appear more around the chainsaw church, mostly around barem and talk to him a lot but he wouldn't join it. he didn't want to marry a woman. barem asked why he would come to the csm church if he didn't want to join it. orion was blunt and was like to see you ofc. barem was like ???.

sooner or later orion became his right hand man (i'll explain more on how later), or more of a person to just do a lot of his dirty work because he was so willing to do it. he's also willing to pay for all of barem's expenses. lol sugar daddy

ok i think im done for now but ill make like- a better doc for him i think he's like the first kind of fleshed out oc i've made in a while haha!

#chainsaw man oc #oc #orion #my oc #my oc art #asks and answers #csm oc #csm #i was staring at this ask for like 10 minutes it just made me so happy ahahdahamdhsdm #barem bridge #chainsaw man #barem #art #my art #digital art #digital

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baahsu · 8 months

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hellooo baah :))) ive yet again come here to ask your opinion on smthn vs(cest) related bc i love your takes :]. so, how d'you feel about the vs sibs having a system (and kinda a kink ig? idk them and their possessive asses prolly find it hot lmao) where whenever a person one of them likes wears their color, that means that person has been 'claimed' by whomever's color they decided to wear?

^ that was a shitty ass explanation so let me give you a somewhat less shitty example: reiju wants to hit up some hot maid girl in the castle and said hot maid girl in the castle realizes this and chooses to wear pink accents in her outfit the next day. this means she 'belongs' to reiju bc shes sporting her color. ya feel me?

now, does this *stop* the other siblings from hitting on a claimed person? oh no not at all lmao- not if the sibling finds the person attractive and wants to fuck them. the color system's basically just a warning to the others that if you hit on the claimed person and the sibling who 'owns' them isn't comfortable with sharing they get a free pass to rag on your ass lmao

BUT. thats just the system for ppl who the sibs wanna fuck. but when the sibs wanna fuck *EACH OTHER…*

imagine ichiji sitting at the breakfast table one morning with subtle green accents to his outfit- a detail everyone but his siblings (and maybe ceaser bc the vs sibs sex life is his favorite soap opera lmao) would miss, signifying that he wants to be dicked down by yonji sometime during the day. or reiju coming last to train because her nails are now a nice shade of blue as she looks at niji with a subtle flirtatious smile (hes getting pegged later :]). or sanji picking up on the system during wci and choosing to wear just *slightly* visible red lingerie under his dress shirt to signifying to ichiji that he needs to be the one ripping it off later

okok do you SEE my vision? yes? no? maybe? well either way my whole ass reason for writing this was:

just. thinking about niji abusing the fuck out of this system and becoming the whore he's always deserved to be. like he'd choose a different color every day- his normal fit being subtly paired with something else. maybe its red cufflinks, pink-accented headphones, combat boots that shine green in the sun, midnight black goggles (dont ask how sanji would be around to pick up on this after wci its a smut ask it doesnt need to make sense igsiagigwigw), or even a mix. whoevers attention he was wanting that day, he'd subtly send them a message, and make sure they see it.

this all climaxing when all of 0134 are done with his "disloyal" (they drc they just wanna excuse to fuck that twink) ass and decide to momentarily team up, ignoring him for an entire day but making sure he sees the way they're all hitting on *each other", leaving niji horny, pissed and alone and struggling to go to bed...

..until 0134 all bust down nijis door at like midnight and fuck him to tears. yonji fucking him until his thighs and legs are numb, ichiji making him practically choke to death on his cock, sanji riding his dick till hes screaming n crying, and reiju sitting on/riding his face so hard he cant breathe. theyre all saying shit like "if youre really *that* desperate for all of our attention then just say it, whore" and nijis trying to be snarky and talk back but hes too busy drooling and begging for more to even formulate a sentence

this ends with one of them (coughichijicough) saying something like "if you don't want this embarrassment to happen to you again then pick a damn color, you slut." before they all leave him sweaty and reeking of sex..

he wears the most abhorntly mismatched outfit ever of red, green, pink, and black the next day btw :3cc

AND SCENE LMAO. sending my weekly ask and making it niji related bc i dont write abt him enough <3<3

You say you like my takes but I feel like yours are always so much better and so muchore thought out 🫣💜

Like, when you mentioned the color system my mind immediately went to niji practically wearing a rainbow outfit

At first he just wanted to mess with everyone, get them all on edge and feel like he has some control over them, like he's interested in all of them, but who does he want first? He's not gonna tell 🤭 they need to find out and fight for his time and attention 🤭

He didn't count on them not getting caught in his little trap tho and the result was exactly as you said

He learned his lesson and from then onwards decided to keep wearing his ridiculous rainbow outfits, a slut like him needs to be constantly put in his place and he'll make sure his siblings are doing their job on that 😌

(ok but I just have to say that the dynamics you wrote between niji and the four are everything I could've asked for?? Like, are you reading my mind bc from him choking on ichiji's dick to reiju riding his face and sanji riding him and yonji fucking him to next week??? I'm??? Perfectly curated to my very specific tastes, it felt like a five course meal 😋)

#vinsmokecest #vinsmokes headcanons

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scattered-winter · 9 months

Text

ok @tarantula-hawk-wasp this is my TENTATIVE lineup (i keep changing my mind so who knows how long ill have these opinions lmaoooo) but i wanna preface this by saying that EVERYONE could be green because they all fit the bill pretty well for that one. but i tried to dig deeper to see What Else they could be <3 (but there's some who were like. Green. theyre green.)

shiro: BLUE <3 the thing i love about shiro is that he's been through soooo fucking much but he's come out the other end still upright and ready to fight and be supportive and loving and goofy and protect the universe even though he's sooo so tired and sooo so scared. he's the EMBODIMENT of hope it drives me fucking insane <3 so yeah blue was the first color i thought of for him and i have yet to change my mind on that one

keith: he started out red (especially as a younger teen like.....kid was abandoned by his mother, dad died, lived in the system for years, of COURSE he was angry as fuck) but the thing abt red lanterns is that they can only remove their rings (and let go of the rage...) with the help of a blue lantern........shiro helps him move past the rage and trauma.........and yeah. I'm also a green lantern keith truther because by GOD is he tenacious as fuck.

lance: i also had a pretty hard time pinning him down, and im still thinking about him so idk if this is set in stone yet, BUT he's giving white lantern vibes. ngl. (white lanterns are The Entire Emotional Spectrum. they have to master all 7 colors) but tbh because lance is such a "jack of all trades" kinda guy i feel like it fits ??? especially since i could conceivably make an argument for him to fit. pretty much most of the colors. but again he's hard to pin down so i might need to think about this one a little more

pidge: my initial thought was also green tbh. she DOESN'T give up ever i dont think the words are even in her vocabulary. however i could also make a strong argument for blue because throughout the entire first few seasons she had SO much hope that her family was alive somewhere in space. but i feel like she fits green better so idk

hunk: he was also pretty hard to pin down because YES he is very compassionate, but the indigo corps are . lowkey kinda fucked up . however im choosing to go the route of ignoring that and just thinking abt the color + its emotion, not the corps and all their baggage, so YEAH in that case hunk is sooo indigo To Me. i could also make some arguments for blue or pink (star sapphire), BUT i could also make an argument for yellow (fear) HEAR ME OUT hear me out. i have a lot of thoughts about hunk's bayard form because the bayards are supposed to be a reflection of the paladins, right? well it's always confused me that hunk has such an explosive and aggressive bayard when he's Not Either Of Those Things. but To Me in the rich inner world hunk's bayard is a big cannon for the intimidation factor so he can avoid conflict as much as possible by making the enemy want to surrender without a fight. AND hunk is always the most visibly afraid of the group so idk idk. something something fear is an old friend to him and he's even mastered it...

allura: STAR SAPPHIRE. again, the star sapphire corps are kinda. fucked up. BUT since we're going the route of just looking at the ring itself with indigo, we'll do the same for violet/pink <3 allura's entire CHARACTER is about love....her father, her people, her planet, her culture.....grief is love and love is grief.......she fights because she lost all the things she loved and because she found a new family to love and protect.....et cetera......... (star sapphires But Platonic....auuuguhhh)

lastly, coran: probably green tbh.......but that's mostly because i really don't know where else to put him. nothing else is really jumping out at me at least </3 i suppose i Could make an argument for blue since it takes a lot of hope for the future to have lost LITERALLY everything and still be so goofysilly and loving and supportive. but i truly have not had any thoughts about him alas. i will need to think more about it

#THINKING SOOOO HARD ABOUT THIS FR........................#see this is a fun exercise because my go-tos for Character Sorting is either #lantern colors or voltron paladin colors.#and ive never done the actual associated characters from one to the other lmaoooo #i should try and sort some lanterns into voltron...............................................#regardless. here are my Current Thoughts on the matter :]#winter speaks #voltron #lantern corps sorting #<- for other such posts in the future

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bringbacktim · 10 months

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idk if u saw my req abt fairy!reader but im feeding into that idea 😜

hes doing a vlog where hes in the forest, camping- not without making manyyy logan paul jokes. when he wakes up, hes in an unfamiliar den, filled with flowers and mushrooms "oh! you are up!" says a silky voice- he turns his head to his abductor.. the most gorgeous woman hes ever seen, silky hair, abnormal skin color, wings, and clothing made of leaves.

thats all i can write because im not as talented as u but i tried! i hope you can fill in the blanks :3

She bangs like a fairy

This was such a challenge, but it was so fun to write something completely different

I honestly have no idea how to write an x fairy reader, but I tried my best so I hope this is what you hoped it would be like

Credits to you cause I basically quoted what you wrote

Synopsis:she bangs like a fairy on acid by elita

Wc:686 words

Not edited or proofread

In the forest, there's a fairy

Admittedly he didn't know yet that there was anything else in the forest with him

He was just doing a camping vlog , he thought he was alone because there had been no audible reactions to any Logan paul jokes he had made

She waits for me

Technically she waited until nightfall so no one would notice a pink woman with wings that strictly wore leaves and petals as clothing

She tells me if I hurry

My dreams will come true

Obviously she didn't directly contact to him and speak, but did start to make the lavender grow where he was to hopefully lull him to into a deep slumber

I guess there's nothing I can do

"Sorry for the short first day, I'm just so tired tonight" he said getting ready in his tent to go to sleep for the night

But listen to the fairy in the forest

When he woke he was in an unfamiliar den filled with filled with bright beautiful flowers and mushrooms

"Oh good , you're awake" the abductress said in a silky smooth angelic voice

As he turned his head to where the voice came from , his eyes met with the most beautiful creature he's ever seen : long flowing hair, the perfect shade of pink skin, the most incredible wings that looked like an intricate stained glass window, and clothes made from leaves and petals

She tells me that she wants it

It was more a show less of a tell as she looked at him with such hunger and desire in her eyes as she flew over to him

So I started to kiss her lips

He stood up and closed the gap between them , not caring if this was real or a dream . He was having the time of his life either way

Milk and honey drips

He swore there was milk and honey dripping from somewhere and it heroine wishes it was as strong and addictive

We're naked on the ground

Both of them were laying on the ground of this den , breathless covered in a leaf blanket shocked and happy at the love they must made

The creatures gather round

Soon all of these fairest , pixies , and a galore of mythical creatures started to enter the den and just go about their day, not without questioning who this new creature was doing on the floor first

A mushroom to my right

I smile and take a bite

Everything was so hypnotic and he never wanted to leave and go back to streaming minecraft

Petals melt off her skin

My head, it starts to spin

Spin in a good way , like when you're so in love with someone or something that it all gets a bit too much and you feel dizzy

A mushroom to my right

I smile and take a bite

This forest was enchanting and he never wanted to leave

In the forest, there's a fairy

She waits for me

"I'll be here if you ever want to come back" she told him secretly hoping he wouldn't leave

She tells me if I hurry

My dreams will come true

She promised him as he got re dressed that if he stayed even one more day they wouldn't leave the bed and he would probably never sleep with anyone ever again

I guess there's nothing I can do

It was a pretty easy decision

But listen to the fairy in the forest

She tells me that she wants it

"I want you and I want this forever"she said kissing him so forcefully he fell back onto the makeshift bed on the ground

So I started to kiss her lips

Milk and honey drips

As he started to kiss back he let the addictiveness (is that even a word) of her kiss surround him

I guess there's nothing I can do

He continued kissing her not caring about his old life

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xherry7816 · 1 year

Text

not 2 brag but ive offically reach 100 likes YIPPIE !!!!

anyways i thought abt the thiefKAI au (gosh i hate KAI so mcuh hes always in my head) and i tried 2 make like drawing 4 it.

so basically if this was a long au i think itd start, yk, at the start so at the time KAIs just starting out but like gaining traction from society or whatever

so these are what i had in mind for like his og look, i gave him this fat hood bc A, i cant draw hoods and B, i think he looks silly (in a good way) erm and his shirt reached to just under the crotch. gosh erm i didnt like saying that, can i say upper middle thigh reigion ?? uhhh yeah. OH and the question is raised oh yeab sure its makes sense he could have become a thief because he needs food and supplies for him and NYA but why is he becoming some big scale infamous theif ?? thank you fot asking and well my answer is GARMADON (aaaahh!!) or some other large scale villain hiring KAI to steal all this expensive important stuff to yk exchange for money. the villain gets to progress with thier evil scheme and KAI, who is yk oblivious, gets money from it - win win situation.

i was thinking about giving well known better off more successful theifKAI to be wearing an oni mask, yk the full coverage and cool power boost (specifically the mask of hatred because it turns u all lava-y and how the color ourple is associated with royaltly and therefore the wealth and expense KAI loathed for in childhood which i think would be a nice way 2 tie it all together) but idk if that made him too OPish if yk what i mean but then again its not like hes in awarw of the other two masks, not that he'd go on a quest for them unless he knew they were valuable so maybe i will give him the mask.

and o my dear friends you may wonder AA WHAT ABOUT NYA ??? FEAR NOT compadre for i have a plan for him HOHO. so obviously NYA isnt oblivious to her brother's job shenanigans but hes kept enough of it away from her that she doesnt have enough of the pieces to put it all together so basically he has no idea whats goinf on with her brother. however NYA does manage to grow up somewhat comfortably and she manages to secure his place quite high in BORG.INC, aha saying INC kinda makes it sound evil. in this way she gets acquainted with PIXAL, ZANE and JAY who are during this time all ninja bc yk BORG stuff. btw we are moving this all into an au where the world turns out somehwat the same even without KAI just so i dont have to imagine the whole word differently bc thatd be hard and id make plenty of inconsistencies. ANYWYAS theyre all friends which is cool however NYA has a secret identity, ull never guess it,,,, SAMURAI X whoo !!!! SAMURAIX is a solo vigilante that not only stops crime but sometimes teams up with the NINJA (whos identies are secret) to fight bigger gangs.

everyone gets acquainted during one of KAIs heists where hes tryna steal, idk a golden weapon because theyv all been dug up and put on display in old rich peoples homes. i feel KAI is more on the stealth side of things but once he engages into battle he likes to be a little eccentric but cornered hes awfully angsty. this is indeed still and elemental master au! however KAI and NYA have not yet realised they can will the elements.

ill stop drawing KAI now i need 2 draw the other members, its literally been months since ive drawn LLOYD and ive never drawn PIXAL,,, someone please take this au i want 2 see something be done witj it TT

#ninjago #kai ninjago #lego ninjago #nya ninjago #ninjago au #ninjago lloyd #zane ninjago #jay ninjago #ninjago fanfiction #pixal ninjago #ninjago fanart

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notcolleen · 1 year

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tw for very rambling suicidal ideation behind this, i promise i am safe 👌 (but blunt talk about death and rambles abt cats and mentions of pokémon 👌)

[[MORE]]

but i have not been this actively suicidal for extended amount of time probably ever, yet i say that knowing that i will stay alive indefinitely……..just really really really sad all the time 😌 (so please know that too and allow me to write this out lol)

it’s just a very overwhelming sense of staying alive out of obligation and that’s not exactly what dbt would call a Life Worth Living

but i am obligated to my cat first and foremost (as ridiculous as that might sound to some but i know others will understand lol) and to my family as well, and the guilt of leaving them overwhelms me even though i know logically i wouldn’t be alive to feel it….like i look at phoebe (the cat in question for those who don’t know) and i see a wonderful animal who didn’t sign up to be taken in by a severely depressed human — she deserves unconditional care and love and that is what i agreed to when i adopted her so that is why i am obligated to stay alive as long as she is alive

plus on a more practical level, when my ideation gets to the point of “okay let’s try to find an equally loving home for her ! maybe even someone who has more space and more time and more emotional bandwidth !” im like wow that would be pretty obvious to anyone that knows you that something is wrong lmao and also i get so sad at the thought of not having her in my life……..which contradicts the “i actually want to be dead” ideation and brings on my next unwavering reason to stay around……which is my extreme fear of death and the unknown

like…….that’s terrifying and idk how it’s just basically accepted that we as humans exist and then stop existing? and that’s it? like a hs classmate of mine just passed away less than a week ago and i can’t stop thinking about it, i selfishly can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that i am sitting here, literally abusing my body every minute of the day and not taking care of any part of my self and yet my health is essentially perfect?? yet she was genuinely one of the nicest ppl in this horrible town and breast cancer took her life and if that doesn’t prove that this life has no logic at all idk what does

and it’s terrifying bc i can’t comprehend what happens after bc in my mind there just can’t logically be any after but there also can’t logically be nothing so it’s just….overwhelming blankness

so now i wake up every day and i cry on my walk to work because i have the same compulsive thoughts about dying at the same spots on the same walk bc my brain is dumb and repeats everything

but also keep thinking about how that would affect the kids i work with, who tell me they love me every day and hug me even though they’re not supposed to and tell me i’m they’re favorite teacher when they’re not supposed to but it’s really only because i’m the only one that knows pokémon enough to print out the coloring sheets they want so it’s conditional love but i don’t even care bc it’s real to them and to me

but then i cry more bc i love them too but i still want to die and they would move on quickly but it would still be something in their life that they certainly dont deserve and wouldn’t understand

so i go to work and i pretend to be a good, caring person and it’s exhausting bc i am not, so i get home and it’s like a switch is flipped and i am an entirely different person with no moral compass and no desire to connect with anyone or be around anyone or do anything…..like at this point i have alienated everyone in my life and can’t see myself getting to a place where i can build connections again, my only social interactions rn are work and i get frustrated that i have to make the same small talk with my coworkers every day, i get frustrated that i have to partake in social niceties or that im expected to go to holiday parties and have lunches with these people who don’t actually know me and i don’t actually know them??

i did have thanksgiving with my family tonight and i know i have so much love for them, and i felt safe there for that time……but there was still this underlying emptiness to everything and even conversations with them, the people i am closest with and really the only ones i talk to anymore, felt surface level in a way that frustrates me and i can’t articulate it accurately but it’s exhausting and i am tired

and i was getting more anxious as i was getting ready to leave my parents bc the time alone after being with family is the hardest for me and my dad turned to my sister…..who had just had another fight with her husband….and said “just so you know, you can stay here tonight, you’re always welcome to stay here” and i started crying on my way home because that’s what i needed to hear tonight but he wouldn’t know that bc i can’t vocalize my emotions like a functional adult and go out of my way to make it seem like i’m doing better than i am so that my mom doesn’t worry

i know i need more help in terms of my mental health (also not in denial abt how bad my eating disorder is rn but that’s another issue that i’m not going to write another novel about rn) but idk what that looks like in my life rn and it’s hard when my depression is this bad because i keep coming back to “yeah i need more help but also it’s all pointless anymore lol” so i just go through my days completed detached and telling myself that any way i can cope is okay bc instagram told me 💖✨if all u did was survive today that is okay✨💖 but really it’s just me enabling apathy and destructive behaviors and moving targets of “i’ll do better once xyz”

idk how to end this post other than to say again that i am safe, just obviously not in a good place mentally but very much able to keep myself alive (i’ve been jaded by too many “instagram cares” messages after posting lol) (i know this is tumblr) (still jaded)

#also am i dumb or do the read mores not work like that anymore??#when i view my blog on mobile it doesn’t work lol so it kind of defeats the point sorry #but also i only use tumblr every couple months when i should really break out my journal so i can’t be bothered so figure it out rn

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