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colorguardsweetheartblurrsgirl · 1 year

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I'll always Rememeber...

Dont Regret Your Final Chance:

(Live Not to Regret Hello & Goodbye)

~BB 3/2023~

A Poem Dedicated to Auntie J passed away March 4, 2023 Edmonton, Ontario, Canada.

I know you've heard it once,

Maybe a thousand times before.

If not from me than others lips.

And if from me I'll reiterate once more,

A thousand times on every breath,

Till you get why its baid of Great Importance,

To have many poems spoken and read.

For these are words I live by,

And Find with Thanks and Sadness .

Time and Again,

On every second

Upon each day

And every maddening minute.

Even the all to garish grueling mileseconds...

Someone with lose just met or since long passed

Screams upon the heavens now,

Filling the sky with Their regrets and howls...

That sought, unable to be relinquished....

At least by the ones they wish to speak it.

Here, I meet with painful regencies,

I either find what are words said last

Even I desire.

Could be said a final air to their last breaths.

"All I wants," and "Wish I coulds"...

And those that aren't enough.

That's when I crave most,

To go back in time for just one minute

To say the words I wished had come!

I want to say, for a final time.

Words I said and never said upon my very lips.

A final time,

That's all I ask.

Knowing this hope is a waist.

Who am I, and my desire?

To those thousands who came to beg,

For a final time each and every day!

Never ending pleas to speak,

A habit....

A need...

Since Cain's Envy wrang Furry, bearing down precious Abel till deads willed command;

And Joseph's Colors fed the Jealousy of his Brothers pias victories!

Even long after time has come to pass,

It's just a hope we mortal bare.

We all but kreen in sore agony.

These Silly and Fickle things.

This too shall pass.

It is again a harbored plee.

A hope that's pains from burdened remains,

Lasting ready to damn.

Breaking and torturous,

Ordering us upon our knees,

We weep, oh sorrowed bleed.

It's for you!

Them!

Someone that once was out there!

To tell "you" with purpose one last time,

"A FINAL TIME!"

The single moment we all but pleed.

No matter where we had left.

Where is our bookmark, to pullout & hold?

Our highlights & Notes?

Our Mark's to Author; dare change this?

It's too cruel.

Leave it happy.

Bittersweet.

Give them a conclussion.

A victorious satisfying resound...

Where's our resoluting closure?

If you were a villain,

Or a hero,

To my life;

In my life or others,

I only Wish...

For those that bitter memories remained

To have spoken and told you...

Your worth in truth, yes bad, But good.

And made fitting the good.

So you knew not all, we care and hold....

Not all is bad.

Regaurdless I still am full of One Emotion...

A branch of a tree.

A grain of sand.

A seed to sow.

A spool to spin.

Yarn to thread.

A blanket to wrap.

A dress to wear.

A shirt to love.

Yes that's all alone.

A single tidbit.

Remaking remarks since you left.

A lone strong morsel.

One single seed.

Just one...

Alone.

Itself.

No one else.

Nothing less.

No more.

It carries such weight.

What is alone, and holds a valley and ocean,

Still bares mountains and valleys alone, in your place?

What's One...

One...

A tree...

Its harvest...

Its roots...

A seed.

One single seed alone, that's to large for man.

That is Love, that grows and fosters gardens, forests, valleys and oceans.

Far more enduring then any plants from before.

The love, a seed, I hold for you ever since the last.

The Love I spoke the last we saw.

The love You may believe.

The love you may jest and deny.

Or fail to think to be Genuine of heart.

Or true and fare.

But love the same I bare for you.

That forever I declare the quell will last.

Even if you no longer care.

What is this love?

Does it give hate?

Hold disdaine?

Does it mock?

Or look down upon?

Bemused, it thought better of you.

No!

For love is strong!

Mightier then all!

Stronger then storms!

But it bares not wrongs!

The love is words,

Not the ones you think,

Or may have put on my lips.

I dare not ever cast to tickle an inkling.

And claim shame if I did.

I wouldn't think to say, if it matters all the same.

For you deserved my respect and love.

I will never speak I'll of that.

No matter what time should pass.

What are these words if not pias and ill?

What is this love wracked with guilt and loss?

Not hate, nor vile, only longing that linguires,.

I wish to speak, every one, but no ear-

No yours aren't hear to listen.

You know, they were spoken before

The last we Saw, with the same love and care.

No matter the pain or suffering,

You did to me,

And Others I fear,

I dare not claim deniability!

These words of love, I praise to those,

The memories oh dearest as ones young,

Spoken only to a few...

Owned-

No casted on the windful spirits,

Lyrics heartsoaking felts of the voice.

Owned by many and few, in whispers and howls...

Granted in blessings and laughs...

In tears and praise!

We all own it, so I'll remind you their meaning.

A devotion to you....

To loved ones;

Strangers

And those who still dont Quiet Understand.

As years go by I will regale both the Good deeds and Bad.

The Ugly and Blessed.

The Beauty & all Ill Tread.

Retell the tales with adventure, horror, tragedy & fear.

Great champions pain, hardship, and tears...

Even I who look to others well,

Not harboring curses or urge of dances on graves;

It's not for me to call the wrath of dead slumbering in their caves.

Remember I am human... and young.

Still learning no matter how old I become.

I say with regret, not all retellings will be...

Well... the best.

Some I fear...

Could hold a hint of my raised nosed heartaches that maim and rear.

Hear me out, It's all in goodwill, no jest!

I promsie I mean it well and fare.

See I'll end it...

My retellings and tales, all in tears and a laughter.

Despite what you think, I never held the crossbow, arrows or a crossed ire your way!

I could never hate you!

Far from it you see.

You may have disapointed,

But like a Shepherd & Son,

I held my arms out, n' always forgave my dear one!

It's not for me to Shepherd a Heroines tale!

For what are we in life?

If ones a hero, they must be the others villain!

But for me, I see it both ways and neither the same.

We are all people, babies stumbling over each toe.

Wobbling feet stepping one,

Then the other,

And tumbling cartwheels ahead.

Getting up,

And Starting all over again.

No one holds immaculate perfection.

Your only human, as am I the same.

Were making cartwheels and learning,

How one foot can carry the other.

I don't want the future to hate you.

Despisals not even a thought!

Those who were yet to know you, Can't cast the stone.

For even if the bad is said;

I will steal the stones from their hands;

And spit to my feet what comes from that of my own lips.

For those stones I hold turned to ashes & sand,

Each time others put them in my hands!

I do not bare what they witnessed & seed.

Or cast stone epithets to law as they retain the anger they own.

I understand both sides and it burdens so.

I can see the pain!

The jealousy!

The angor!

The fear!

I understand the loneliness you must have held,

With no mere comforters of callers coming near,

No one who could listen or hear.

If only empaths & opaque powers were real,

They'd see the one cowarding, crying out;

In oh so much heartache & misery.

Suffering pain.

Oh child of forgotten hearts,

Were you:

Afraid,

Alone,

Crying inside?

I pray you knew in your last days you are loved.

And have always been.

For we cared.

We care....

I care...

I loved you A LOT!

I knew you never meant to bring this hurt.

Or sow the pain that strangled,

Planted and festered stern weeds they brought.

It was imploding for your pain was so...

Great!

Even oceans can't see how vast!

It was only by destroying or hurting,

That you knew to motivate and carry on.

It's why I'll end on a pleasant note

Even when I retell the bad.

I'll leave it with this made clear as a newly creamed diamond before its cared.

I do not hate,

Despise,

Cry Vengence or retrubution;

For I DO NOT Hold it against you.

These are not my stones nor there's.

This is not 'The Futures', claims as heir,

To the Rotten spoils-the sinful riches of their forefathers 'The Past's'!

I devoured the good.

I saw the hurt.

I could sense the pain.

I knew your want for the love you craved.

Regaurdless to those-Our final memories

Even if they may leave a sour noted taste...

Dont worry I carry dear,

Something all too closely preciously deer.

A promise for me,

I made oh so little.

That you should listen and keep close.

I made a vow as a girl.

A girl whose eyes bore witness of what comes to pass.

A keepsake I learned as one to see death,

And great this friend well, when ones to young to fear the fella.

I stand a stranger, a friend, to a friend like a sister.

Watching a little girl oh so young,

Get sick,

Then Heal,

And in winter wake once to say "Farwell!"

But Summer greet her precious "Hello" to that good night.

Leaving us with the rain, the monsoons of Fall.

That winter came the shivering grey to cold.

We forgot we'd missed a Spring & June.

A lessened learned, by a keepsake she gave.

"Give me when next we play!"

I now only greet her in my dreams.

She taught me well, a lesson I know by heart!

A novel, My first twelve years knew not to quell.

I know thanks to her;

Greetings know a great many tragedies,

Just how easily the tips of fingers slip in the grasp

And a simple regailed farewell could be the last.

How a thought to tell them tomorrow,

Is not a gaurentee,

And one can vanish by summers eve.

I've seen it all disappear when the dawn comes night,

And Dusk turns day.

You see, again,

There are no gaurentees,

In the words we speak to our fellow man.

We have no right to command the heavens.

Daring our demand for one instance from their last breath.

Things I learned as a young girl I take with me.

I teach others each and every day.

I cast in my heart as a teen,

Young women,

And now grown Adult-

Whose still a little girl,

Curiously walking within a vast great world.

No matter where we go.

Like a wise one once said,

"Never end the night in angor or fights.

"DO NOT GO TO BED ANGRY!"

Or with Angor, Pias, and Hate in your eyes.

If morning comes the heart with sorrow weeps!"

One cannot start a Good new day with furry to their core.

You do not ask a song bird to fly and sing,

If they should have a broken wing.

To that I say think not ill of the dead.

They've suffered and it's long past-

Or dare marry the buried with viles of malice, anger, and curses ridding under your breath.

Do not let them slip while alive,

And leave with anger in your eyes!

Treat every greeting like the first,

Even if it's to your harkened enemy.

And no matter how it goes,

Treat your goodbye like their last,

As if you are saying "Hello," when they meant the most.

For no matter the time,

Days, weeks , months or years

This truth never changes or passes the rear.

Till once again you face them again,

You cant forget, "again's" may never dawn for You

Them!

So I speak as a thousand

A million,

And trillions before!

Speak with love,

And nothing more.

I speak with full heart,

As one whose Loved and Lost before.

As a child who bore sadness,

Who cradled A boy, while a child under ten

When her mother pulled him from a wreck

Her medical training skyrocketed by tens.

A boy you know,

In a way we all have.

Innocent and frail.

With whispers of fame to follow.

A potential young lad,

At his charming years, a heartthrob and cad.

Fighting to near death

His head cracked open and eskew,

Seeing things no human or six year old,

Ever should face or do.

Me and a best friend holding a kid...

A few years on us, dying, in our laps.

Having to tell someone, and calm those older

Realizing an argument was their last moments!

Yells, and screams... of sibling type things.

Then they crashed...!

And it all rained down fast!

A girl who heard his brothers girl cry,

His elder, the driver, whailing for more time,

Time he may no longer have to speak...

To his baby brother.

"I'M SORRY!!!"

"I MEAN IT!!!"

"I FORGET YOUR JUST A KID!"

"PLEASE MAKE FUN OF ME AGAIN!"

Two kids witnessing, forsaken in distress.

Harken in, you never know if it's the last.

Insanity at a wreck, inconsolable in fret.

I witnessed teenagers, giving lessons...

As a young kid, feeling brain juice leaking in the lap.

Forgive me a moment, while I talk of one other

I speak with intent, to another well owed....

For he gave me the time, his final breath sewed...

He lived...

He is...

Remembered both near, there, in that small town..

A highway marker off I-5 late July or june

Forever red stained, the honors of...

A hero reclaimed!

Whose last breath he owned!

I speak as a girl named for her grandfather

A namesake; if only its meant for a woman.

Who with his last breath

Aware he would die

Similarly crashed his car

And insured no more bore injured, death or cried.

His wife would survive

So my Nana would be there

To see their Youngest Have a child come winter!

For this, For Him, For the child not much older...

I owe them to pass on this lesson.

A lesson they taught before I took breath,

A lesson learned when my school years were near.

A lesson they and others since.

Ensured I knew well and never...

FORGET!!!

Imagine my words,

Think upon the image,

What lesson could a girl learn,

Especially of two tragic accidents?

A child myself, holding onto another.

Listening all around to:

Wails & Moans,

Screams...

Holy pleads, 'O god please saves...'

And a boys struggle, battle, breaths fighting final or for another!

What could be learned in chaos?

Hearing screams of begging to speak?

What lesson in others screaming for something

For the chance to say "They Loved him,"

Again?

And I, my lesson before I held a breath...

What lesson does my grandfather teach,

When I regale this plead to my fellow man.

I born on the sacrifice of a Grandfather...

A man....

A father to his wife and daughters...

What lessons he teach?

They teach?

A youg girl teach....

Me?!

Before I...

Should understand?

Before I...

Came to know by my first breaths,

Before I...

Held words upon my lips.

Before I...

Crossed the threshold of school?

Being the lifeline,

The one Born on Tradgedy

To see a fellow friend cross into death...

It's thanks to them, I'm covered in shroud by their lessons.

I hope you take, as I'm screaming it loud and clear.

You'll never know just when you'll again say

"I love you" With sincerity,

Or will it, should it come to pass.

Before again it is to late to speak.

You are lost at the remains of a "Goodbye,"

You cant take back.

When a warm "Hello!",

Is what you wished remained the last.

I part these words,

My grandfather gave his wife,

Both actions and words atoned in verse:

"I love you my dear!"

And with that I end, my solemn request.

But bare me a moment,

To say a final passage of thought.

I'll explain once more,

I can not advocate enough the meaning

The emphasis

And desire of these words.

"Do not go to bed with anger on your heart!

Do not let your goodbye hold Malice & Rage!"

The Gaurentee you have,

Is THIS moment and JUST THIS!

When you part each other, remember...

There is never a gaurentee.

Tell them you love them!

You May not agree.

You may hold distaste.

But fill your heart with the good.

Let go of the emotions holding you down.

Smile and wave.

Give a hug;

Strong handshake.

Pat on the back!

High five,

And nod with joy.

Tell them I love you! No matter what!"

"No matter, this, don't forget "I love you Man!"

This I swear...

Make sure they know it.

And end with this.

Imagine for once should you never get the chance

What would be your wish?

For this is how I live my life,

It's the reason I encourage others....

End with love; greeting a new day!

Fill it with hope, show them you're there.

Tell those you care for,

Those who mean something & anything.

Who left you something good,

No matter how small.

What they mean, should they part.

Tell them now, whether burdened by rage & hate.

Take a moment to freeze, calm;

Leave them with a heartfelt

"Regaurdless, I love you-

No matter where we're at!

Dont forget that I mean it!"

DON'T SWEAR!!!

Or act a cat.

Remember, You never know when...

It is the final chance!

"I LOVE YOU I SWEAR!

I'll never forget Both the Good & the Bad!"

In remembrance of Auntie J.... RIP and God Bless, I pray God gave you peace, wrappped you in loveing embrace and you find pure happiness....she Passed away on Thursday March 4, 2023

I'll always Rememeber... thank You Aunt J for the love you shared and teh artistic works you did make that I'll always treasure. I wish I I have told you so you could hear I meant it despite everything thst "I love you, and always will and till we see each other again I hope you have just amazing fun adventures!" These words I always meant and I dont know she always believed them. But it's TRUE. And I'll forever miss her and regret how many years passed since she last let me tell herr them.... (Bare with me update as to the bad news noted above and my recent absences on the site)...

So Hey guys, sorry... Been away... got a bad fever a week ago, just after recieving news of a sudden unexpected Family Death. I wanted to post this that day, saying it may be a bit before I could post. But between getting sick days before my 104 year old grandma came to stay with us. I kinda got wrapped up in stuff and stayed away from socials for a while....

So instead of the poem I intended.. I will tell you a bit about my Aunt J since I dont knwo when I'll be able to talk with her or express these feeljngs. (who I think about anytime I go to a famed chain US fabric store, because it literally is her name...)😉🤣😂 My Aunt J (technically cousin, but called her aunt cause older then my mom & aunt) sadly passed away on Thursday March 3... And no joke two days before mom and I spoke of her out of no where and the day before she passed my dad literally washed a blanket her mother knitted for their wedding and was going to call in a week or two and say he was watching her Hockey Team play the Seattle Kracken while sitting wrapped up on/in it. (They both are mega sports enthusiasts).... none of us knew she was sick or had even a hint of this so it came to a surprise to all of us how randomly we brought her up and in the same week we found out she had been sick and died. So when the news came on Thursday after all this I was in a state of shock and sadness...

Although family relations with her have been iffy...😬😬😬 Uh... that's a understatement (😒😒😒😔😔 to say the least, no joke!), I always looked to her optimistically purely with love, I saw a hurt lonely person who just didnt know how to express or ask for support or love.😊😁

My fondest memory would be going to Edmonton, Canada (where she lived) at her house full like a shop of the largest collect of Antique Porcelain dolls I swear I've ever seen, and also ceramic dolls.

Apparently I loved it as a kid.🤣😂😅😅😅😅 Bbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttt...

😅😅😅

As a teen,😬😬😬 it was cool... ish... till.... well...😅😅😅 That visit she had me spend the several nights in the room that was her mothers where her mom passed away!!! 😬😬😬 and with all the dolls and not to fond of horror movies any sound I head and the fact that I saw a few large spiders one of those nights on the ceiling had me SCREAMING.!!! 😅😅😅

She, unsurprisingly, never had us over after that, I was a 15 year old... and not so surprising it took me a few years to ever trust being in a family members house and having my own room on vacations after that...😅😅😅

I dont blame her. It was nothing against her just I saw one too many horror movies that scared me then.... I really always felt super apologetic for that. And having my folks in the basement which was larger space and room is also what set me off then... cause only help I had would be walking the giant steep old house flight of steps like walking into a dungeon to tell my folks like a child I was scared to had a gaint spider or two hav ik ng fights above my head on the ceiling... also didnt help hav in ng the "I cant tell anyone I'm scared, I'm no baby....but that thing scares me!" teen phase also going st that time.😒🤣😂

What can Iij say...?🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️💁‍♀️💁‍♀️😂🤣😅

Homegirl, doesn't like spiders at least back then, I've grown more accustomed to them despite my somewhat extreme allergies to many bite.

I intended to write a poem with this. Still may, but recently been hard at work (staying up dawn to dusk when my grandma Mimi decides she wants to get up and watch tv... love her, shes funny and only laughs when I tell her its night [psst... unlike others in teh family she knows I let her get away with it, cause I dont want to overstep as youngest of 1st gen of grandkids... oh and shes very lively still]😉😍🤩 I love her shes hilarious. Even when I worry for her she makes everyone smile.😍😁😁...

I'm hard at work, got things cleared up and alot of house projects almost done so I've been working hard on the comic and story lately. Should she. A updated post soon. Also Kinda got sick several times in February which is the reason I've been so MIA lately. Ontop of getting sick right after thsi news and just before my 104 year old grandma came. Shoulda seen me zoom in ng around trying to disinfect everyo ik ng in the day before she came.😅😅😅 SUper Blurr.😅😂🤣

Been trying to get better to pump stuff out. Got alot of upcoming work, so stay tuned and thanks again for your patience. Bellow is the only blanet I knew the current location of. It was my baby blanket, and despite families look to her as a villainess antagonistic lady I appreciate her good qualities and only wanted to support that side and hope she would improve and better. I only ever wished the best for her cause I loved her despite how she acted. And always appreciated these things she made out of love. As their reminders to teh good I saw jn her. This is the baby blanet she made me. Sadly wish you could ahve seen it when it was nicer and pristine last ten years the nice satine really detiated but it wasnt a color I really saw anywhere else it was really pretty. If I ever find a photo that shows heo it usee to look with the satin I will. I tried to show the double side this blanet had to just to appreciate her craftmanship when she could make such. Enjoy

[Uh if you read all this, funny while correcting I ddi write a poem.... just to lazy to take out say ik ng I didnt... its not what U intended would ahve been more based on the quilts and blankets if I wrote the kne I originally thought of when J intended this post... but It works all teh same)

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