#i wrote this in my free period looking like a piece of trash so if u see any mistakes in this or something go die idk
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one thing I dislike about the take that Dutch has ~always been that way~ and just kinda acted sane (as far as that works) for +20 years is that it paints Hosea as a complete fool.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think Hosea is completely untouchable, out of this world, a god amongst humans but he isn't stupid. As far as we are concerned he is a master at seeing through people, he reads them and tricks them like no other.
He's very smart and observant, often the one to take a step back and think things through thrice before investing into them and somehow you want to tell me he looked at loud, boisterous, energetic (supposedly manipulative) Dutch at the very beginning and thought "my god this guy is full of shit"?
Now, we don't really have any insight on how they really were before Blackwater or even years back when they took in Arthur but I truly and utterly believe that Dutch was making a real effort to do good, from the bottom of his heart, that he really tried to be better and ultimately failed. (and yeah, surely partly bc it stroked his ego but nonetheless)
Like, the first time we see, or rather hear that Dutch may be a little silly is in Colter, right after Blackwater when it was revelaed that he killed an innocent woman. This was also the very first severe stress situation we have "seen" Dutch in. He got lead on, maybe even set up after what sounded like a long period of luck and success and now him and everyone tagging along is in danger and everything has gone to shit.
The one that then seemed increasingly concerned and insisted on knowing what happened was Hosea. My thoughts are that Hosea knew that Dutch tended to act rash in stressful situations and that there was something nagging on his conscious, telling him that something went horribly wrong. Because he knew Dutch.
Dutch on the other hand started to grow desperate. He didn't just lose a ton of money and got the law after them all once again, but he also lost 3 members of the gang. 3 people to who he promised freedom and a good life gone just like that + he also started to feel the others losing hope and maybe he was confronted with the idea that maybe what he was doing wasn't as good and great as he has thought throughout all these years.
So he grows defensiv and even reckless because no, it can't be, him facing the fact that his time was not only over but he probably wasted all these years was a tad too painful, both for his ego but also for his being.
As time goes on he keeps slipping more and more since everything he does just seems to blow up right back into his face. The more he tries to fix the more to shit it goes and the desperation just seems to grow and grow.
So he clings to every little thing that keeps on making him believe that his cause is still good, that he's still doing right so he comes up with nonesense plans like Tahiti.
But most importantly, his probably biggest reminder still was Hosea. As long as Hosea was still there, still by his side it would be alright. Yeah, Hosea nags him all the time and they bicker and fight all the time, but he's still there, so that means he still believes in Dutch. With Hosea he could do it.
And then Hosea dies.
And the failure at the bank is so much worse than all the ones before because this time it wasn't Dutch that set things up, or Micah, or anyone else but it was Hosea. The very person that grounded him, that he clung to desperately to show him that his efforts are not in vain.
The disaster at the bank didn't only cost him Hosea, his life long partner, the person he trusted the most, but also the trust from the rest of the gang. John was already doubting him for some time now and now the others started to, too.
And maybe, maybe him doing all this what he thought of good these past years, saving and taking in people, wasn't the best for them at all. Maybe he doomed them more than anything.
But no, Micah is still at his side. And Bill. And Javier.
Well, if there's some people still believing in him then there has to be some truth to it, no?
Maybe Micah is right, maybe John is the rat. Or Abigail. Or Arthur.
Maybe all the others are just ungrateful. Maybe he gave them all and the moment he slips and fails they just leave?
Hosea woulnd't have. Hosea stayed with him.
Micah stayed with him.
And as he was on that mountain, looking at the boy he raised as his own, barely able to breath and all beaten up, telling him "I gave you all I had", that was the first time the realization of him not being as great, as good, as he hoped to be, as he tried to be, fully hit him and now he couldn't do anything but accept it. No denying it anymore, no deluding it. Just the cold truth.
#character study#kind of?#dutch van der linde#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#arthur morgan#hosea matthews#tbh i dont think him hitting his head was the cause of him going silly#he was always just a little insane and just wanted to proof himself#this is not a dutch defend post btw any of u accuse me of that and im taking ur grandmas kneecaps#he was quite hot when he drowned bronte tho ill give him that#also tbh maybe him hitting his head was kind of part of his madness but absolutely not all of it#annies brainjuice#i wrote this in my free period looking like a piece of trash so if u see any mistakes in this or something go die idk
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Meet the Creator!
Introducing: Squido!
Commission: I haven't and don't really intend to. I don't want to take anyone's hard-earned money. Just ask me to draw things and there's a good chance I will.
Social Media:
Tumblr: @sky-squido
AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sky_squido/pseuds/sky_squido
Tell us a little bit about yourself!
Call me Squido! I love to draw and write but I'm also super extraverted and I love interacting with humans so always feel free to chat with me! Aside from drawing and writing, I just love being outside and have a tumblr sideblog dedicated exclusively to nature photos I take. I love mountains, the ocean, the sky, and just about everything else in this beautiful world of ours! If you ever feel like having an internet stranger give you a thousand word rant, ask me why my favorite color is blue and you will not be disappointed!
What got you into creating? what inspires you to keep creating?
I've been drawing for as long as I can remember and can't seem to stop, though I take long breaks sometimes I always seem to come back to it again. I try not to have anything in mind when I draw, but to start sketching and let the drawing happen. Sometimes I find that what I'm trying to draw is not what my drawing wants to be (if that makes any sense) and change what I'm making halfway through. It makes drawing a really relaxing and carefree therapeutic experience!
Writing is different. I've always enjoyed writing, but I didn't write much and never shared my writing with anyone because I thought it was super pretentious. It wasn't until entering High School and joining the literature club and making a deal with a friend that we'd share our writing with each other that I actually gained any sort of confidence in my ability and sought to improve it. Being in that club and sharing my pieces at the open mics was a really encouraging experience! I invite everyone to share their writing, even if it's with some random internet stranger (I'm open anytime!) if they're unsure of their abilities. A little encouragement goes a long way! Now that I'm on Discord, ao3, and tumblr, I receive so much more feedback than I ever have before! It's been super encouraging!
What inspires me most is definitely nature. Even if my ideas aren't directly related to the outdoors, I get my best ideas there. Fandoms are also a great idea generator. The sheer volume of headcanons and prompts is enough to make me dizzy with ideas!
What's your creative process like?
I love sketching. My favorite thing about drawing digitally is that I can sketch as much as I like and never worry about wasting materials! Often times my sketches turn themselves into drawings without permission and other times they stubbornly remain sketches for all eternity. I always dive right in because I have no patience and the idea I started out with generally isn't that great but in the process of pursuing it, it spirals out of control and sometimes the idea gets better and sometimes it gets worse but I just kinda roll with it. Creating is a really chill process for me and while I regularly scream stuff like "I'M DRAWING ON THE WRONG LAYER NONONONONONO" or "NO HECK FRICK SHOOT IT SMUDGED HECK HECK GET THE ERASER QUICK," the creative process is a great way for me to unwind. I'm the same way about writing. I never plan or outline and just kind of roll with things. I mean I generally have the basic jist in mind, but I try to not have a plan so I can keep the story driven by the characters and not force them into acting the way I wanted them to in the outline I made hours or even days ago. Creating is my opportunity to break free so I don't really see what good a plan or outline does me. I'm a pretty spontaneous person!
What kind of mediums do you like to use?
I like to take pictures, but it's not really my main focus. I've been mostly digitally drawing—I use my iPad Pro and Procreate—but lately I've been pencil sketching with just your average everyday mechanical pencil (I'd forgotten how nice the texture of paper was! Clearly I spent too much time drawing on my iPad!). I have these Stabilio chalk pastels I love to pieces, but have also spent a great deal of time with watercolors. Digital is my primary medium currently, though.
Is there a specific scene wrote that you are particularly proud of?
"Sky’s golden scales are glowing with reflected light from the sun while beneath them, the same pulsing blue in her mane runs like a river as her very skin is alive with electricity. The sun’s beginning to dip, fading through the color wheel from yellow to deep orange to scarlet and the world is bathed in watercolor and hue shifted through the rainbow until all that was blue becomes red. This new alien world begins to darken as red fades to deep purple-pink, the clouds catching last vestiges of gold in their pillowy folds, yet Sky continues rippling with lighting, the bright blue flowing like blood through her veins and the gold shimmering in the eerie azure glow. We weave through the winds and zephyrs and I close my eyes and let the breeze caress my hair and when I reopen them, I’m standing back on the ground again in a world long since darkened by night. I place my hand over my beating heart where Sky is still laughing with joy and smile because once you’ve awakened your dragon, you don’t need wings to fly anymore."
Is there someone who inspires you and your writing or art?
Every fanartist and fanfic writer that posts their stuff online is an inspiration to me. Even if their stuff isn't very good—especially if it isn't very good—it's a huge testament to the courage of the creator and their bravery in expressing themself! I sat on fanfic and fanart for years and never shared it and here were kids half my age putting out art that was their first experiment in a new medium and a little shaky but it was still out there and they were still being supported by the community and that really inspired me to reach out and stop lurking in fandom and actually get involved!
is there something that you struggled with that made you grow as a creator?
I feel like everyone has these periods where they were just gaining confidence in their artistic ability but suddenly everything they make is trash and they're not happy with any of it and they feel so down and worthless and "where did all of my hard-earned ability go? Will I ever get it back?" I think this is a pretty common experience and when I find myself there, I find it most helpful to share what I make anyway, even if I hate it, with someone who I know will give it to me straight because they'll point out the deeper problems—the root of the issue—that I hadn't even noticed and I can use that information to grow as an artist. Bad pieces are just as valuable as good ones.
There was also a time where I had a lot of trouble developing a style. I did a lot of experimenting and never found anything I liked. What happened is I just kept drawing and whatever popped out eventually evolved into my style. I used to get frustrated that I couldn't draw anything without a reference, but after years and years of using references and drawing some of the same things over and over again, you won't need the references anymore. I mean, they're great and you should always feel free to use them, but over time, you won't need to look up a picture of every little thing you try to doodle.
What got you into writing or art?
My silly twitchy fingers can't ever seem to stop drawing! Same with writing. Words and ideas follow me around, little plot bunnies pestering me until they get written down somewhere. I was greatly inspired by the works of C.S. Lewis in my writing, especially his Cosmic Trilogy. My art style was aided by Hiromu Arakawa's Fullmetal Alchemist, which was a valuable stepping stone in developing my own style. Other than that, it was my own insatiable desire to MAKE THINGS that spurred me onwards. I don't think I could stop if I tried!
What's your favorite part of the creative process?
After you've got that first paragraph and you've found a flow and you've got a topic and you just GO. I get into the zone and the story starts happening on its own and I'm not an author anymore, I'm just a channel between the world of the piece and the page. That's my favorite. I love watching things take shape. I love shading a sketch for these same reasons. The whole drawing comes together and becomes A Thing and it's the most exciting time to be a creator. Something else inside you has taken over and you're just along for the ride. I have no idea if my experiences are common at all but this is what it's like for me!
What's your least favorite part of the creative process?
EDITING. I HAVE ZERO PATIENCE. THE THING IS DONE. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING AT IT. CAN I POST IT YET. This leaves me with a lot of holes in what I make and I can't do a very clean, super detailed drawing unless it's for an art class and I'm forced to keep working on it. I have a terrible habit of never proofreading my things!
What's your favorite type of scene to write?
AAH hard question! I love writing description and places where I can really let my inner 19th century romantic be unleashed but I also love a good emotional moment between two characters. Something tense. I like fight scenes, but I try to keep them brief and interesting. Sometimes I find scenes where I have no idea what's going on and I try to avoid that, but it's really hard sometimes.
What's the hardest for you to create?
I have so much trouble with endings. I can generally figure something out, but there's always a moment of panic before the end like "heck I wrote everything I wanted how do I wrap this up????" That's probably a byproduct of me planning nothing XD I sometimes have trouble with characterization and making sure everyone acts the way they actually would. The hardest part is continuing after you have an "oh heck what do I do now" moment that breaks you out of your zone and all of your ideas and plot threads turn invisible or evaporate or go wherever it is they go when you're looking for them.
What's your favorite genre to write?
ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST. Wellll... scratch that. I love something adventure-y and plot driven with a lot of really meaningful character interactions. I've always had trouble putting my writing into genres, but I guess that kind of speaks for itself in a way.
What fandoms do you enjoy creating for?
Linked Universe is the fandom I have created and posted the most for by a LONG SHOT. I found LU shortly after making my tumblr and I joined the Discord shortly thereafter. Since then, it has been nonstop inspiration and creativity for me! I tend to get sucked into one fandom and it consumes me for a few months before I silently drift out of it and never think about it again. LU is the fandom I've been the most active in EVER though—and it's still going—so there's a good chance I'm never getting off this ride.
What's the work you are most proud of?
AAAAAAAAAAH MY BABIES. okay um here's the first and only fanfic I've ever posted anywhere but I'm really happy with: https://sky-squido.tumblr.com/post/618964544219463680/turn-back-time-a-linked-universe-fanfic
I have a lot of other pieces kicking about, but they're not fandom so I haven't shared them yet. I probably will after I touch them up a bit.
Do you have any fics inspired by real life stories?
Not really? I don't really know where my ideas come from to be honest!
Where do you post your finished works?
my tumblr. I tag stuff #squido writes and #squido draws so you can find them easily. I also put them on the discord but they get lost in the stream of other works pretty quickly so stick to my tumblr.
I also have an ao3 now! https://archiveofourown.org/users/sky_squido
If you have any fun stories about the pieces you made, please do share!
Turn Back Time was actually live written in the Discord, but entirely unplanned and in the #angst channel! It was just a headcanon but then I started describing it and like 2 hours and 5k words later I'm sitting in the Discord like "what just happened??"
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I Like to Watch | Promising Young Woman (2020)
by Don Hall
In the pantheon of films made, only a handful stand out as truly understanding and communicating its time. Not documentaries or those based on true events but fictional stories that likewise mirror the specific zeitgeist (yeah, I used that term with a straight face) of a given time period or social movement.
Fifty years from now, when discussing the Black Lives Matter movement in the country, Get Out will be among the films watched for context on the American experience. It grasps the indelible feelings of the movement without mentioning it and is a stand-alone epic horror film at the same time.
The French Connection (1971) is not only brilliant but perfectly tells a tale of the beginnings of the War on Drugs instituted by Richard Nixon.
Casablanca (1942), unlike the propaganda films of most pre- and post-WWII movies, demonstrates an incredibly timely portrayal of the horrors of fascism, the values that heroes like Victor Laszlo hold, and illustrates an America that is a place for refugees to find freedom.
The Graduate (1967) is both a wonderful film and also expertly captures the transitioning from the idealism of post-Kennedy assassination to the craven capitalist emerging from the ashes.
High Noon (1952) is a grand cinematic device using clocks and real time as well as a window into the hysteria and paranoia of the McCarthy Era.
The Deer Hunter (1978), Fast Times of Ridgemont High (1981), Norma Rae (1979), The Great Dictator(1940), Wall Street (1987), and American Psycho (2000). The list is almost exhausting but spectacular at the same time. No question that you will, upon reading this, think of ten movies that fit this particular bill that I haven't mentioned.
While I gravitate to the optimism of Rocky (1976), the film of that year that depicts the isolation and torment of a young man disillusioned by the trifecta of the Kennedy assassination, Vietnam, and Watergate is Taxi Driver.
Set in a decaying and corrupt post-Vietnam New York City, Travis—played by a stunningly grim Robert De Niro—dreams of ridding the city of the filth and perversion he witnesses during his overnight shifts as a cabbie. The more Travis drives, the more he questions his purpose in life and grows deranged, ultimately leading down a path of violence, hatred, and even redemption.
SOURCE
If there is a modern parallel, while Joker is a DC comics version of Bickle's journey into madness (although it more accurately makes a case for the existing madness of Incels), the more appropriate equivalent is without question Emerald Fennell's Promising Young Woman.
I'll confess that I didn't really want to see it. These days so much of film has become a series of lectures on social justice that, after the insufferable reboot of Charlie's Angels and the ugly one-sided and exploitative Them I just couldn't bother with more of the same.
It didn't help that they wanted twenty bucks to watch it. Then, when Dana and I were flying back to Vegas from a visit with my father-in-law in Pennsylvania, she watched it for free on the inflight. She loved it and, being that Dana is a notoriously finicky critic of film, the recommendation did not fall on deaf ears.
The premise is not what I gleaned from the trailers (Carey Mulligan does not play a serial murderer so much as serial justice seeker) and, like all superior satires, everyone (including the protagonist) gets a bit of shade.
In the opening minutes of Promising Young Woman, Cassie (a deeply sardonic and wearily angry Mulligan) walks down a street with blood dripping down her leg eating a hot dog. She’s just left the home of Adam Brody, a beta-male who couldn't resist the temptation. She must have murdered him. Nope. It's ketchup from her phallic snack. In a single moment, you realize that Fennell has decided to subvert the male revenge fantasy for something wholly different.
Cassie, a medical school dropout, lives with her parents and works as a barista. She lives with the trauma of her best friend Nina Fisher's rape by a classmate. As a response, Cassie spends a night a week pretending to be the drunk single hot chick in bars. She's looking for the 'nice guys' who invariably offer to take her home and instead take her to their home with the intent to rape the helpless inebriate. She lets them go far before snapping the rubber band and revealing she's completely in control.
Cassie has a book of names. In it she keeps track of every 'nice guy' she confronts as well as another list directly related to Nina's rape. The college dean (Connie Britton) who did nothing when Nina reported her rape; the med school friend (Alison Brie) who dismissed the accusation as crying wolf; the lawyer (Alfred Molina) who bullied Nina into dropping the court case. She plays twisted pranks on them if they haven't yet seen the Nina she knew. She wants them to understand the gravity of their collective action.
After a chance meeting with an actual nice guy (a disarmingly adorable Bo Burnham), Cassie sees a way out of her dark quest. From this point, Fennell does something unexpected and remarkably effective: the film bounces back and forth from dark revenge fantasy to heartwarming romantic comedy in a whiplash manner. It's hard to keep up and serves to keep us guessing throughout.
Fennell (who also wrote the thing) has described Cassie's rage as "like an ingrown toenail" and Mulligan portrays Cassie with the numb pain of that feeling. Fennell isn’t content to simply paint the men as the problem; everyone involved, men and women, are culpable agents. Certainly the men who rape are the actors of personal destruction but the men and women who do not rape yet cover-up or minimize the damage are equally as guilty and ripe for Cassie’s meted out justice.
Travis Bickle was a young man traumatized by war and the abandonment he felt as society realized he was fucked up by a system designed to fuck him up. Cassie Thomas is a young woman traumatized by a system in place designed to fuck her and discard her like a piece of trash.
In fifty years, when college students are watching popular culture for insight into the #MeToo movement, Promising Young Woman will be on the watchlist.
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Ooh, could you write Ambrose and Liam both coming down with a bug at work (at the same time) and getting home super sick and wanting comfort, and having a 'I'm sorry it's my fault' 'no it's probably mine, I'm sorry' conversation about who brought the bug home in the first place, over the bucket that they end up sharing in bed?
I’ve discovered that I’m physically incapable of writing these two without some sort of sappy ending haha. I hope you like it!
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<Liam> Hey, how’s your shift going?
<Ambrose> As good as it can be, what are you up to?
<Liam> I’m in a free period, trying to get some grading done but I can’t focus.
<Liam> I feel kind of sick.
<Ambrose> I’m sorry babe. At least you get to go home soon.
<Liam> yeah. I just hope that I can make it to the end of the day, I feel pretty gross.
<Ambrose> ew that sucks. Let me know when you get home, I guess have to go back to doing my job.
<Liam> I will. love you.
<Ambrose> Love you too.
Liam put his phone on his desk, lowering his head into his arms, he really didn’t feel well. The only positive was that this was his last class of the day. The bell rang and the kids started trickling in from the hallway. Liam did very little to look like he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up. None of them seemed to notice. Teenagers, always stuck in their own world.
When the second bell rang Liam stood up, went over what they would be doing and handed out some review packets, before returning to his desk.
He was explaining a question to a pair of kids in front of his desk when a girl walked up to him.
“Mr. Lawrence?” She said quietly.
“Yes, do you need help with something?” he asked, swiveling his chair around to face her.
“I feel really sick, can I go to the bathroom?” She asked, swallowing hard.
She seemed to pale right in front of him and he saw her throat working to keep her stomach in place.
“Just go.” Liam said quickly motioning toward the door. She turned toward the door but it was ultimately too late as she vomited in the trashcan by the door of the classroom.
Liam dropped his head into his hands and sighed, mentally preparing himself to deal with a sick student while also feeling sick himself.
“Okay, everyone calm down.” He said, standing up and walking over to the girl, he picked up the trashcan and handed it to her. “Take this and head down to the nurse, I’ll have someone come down with your things.”
She nodded and walked off, the trashcan hugged to her chest.
“Settle down everybody.” he said again, sitting back out his desk. “Sara can you take Gabby’s things down to the nurse’s office please?”
He looked at the time, it was 5 minutes to the last bell.
“You know what, just go. You guys can go, just don’t get caught wandering the halls.”
The kids packed up and left, Liam watched impatiently waiting for the last kid to leave before he packed up his things and left as well, he could not wait to be home.
~~~
Ambrose was sitting at the nurse’s station trying to get some charting done and to ignore the nagging ache in his stomach. He had felt a bit weird when he left that morning but wrote it off not having had breakfast. The nausea only increased throughout the day and seemed to get worse when Liam told him that he was feeling sick as well.
“Hey, I brought you a diet coke and some pretzels from the cafeteria.” Lauren, another nurse said, handing him the food and drink over his shoulder. He grabbed them and sat them in his lap, opening the coke and taking a small sip.
“Thanks.” He said, leaning back in his chair.
“What’s up with you today, you seem really sluggish.” she asked, leaning against the counter.
“I think I caught something.” Ambrose mumbled. “My boyfriend is sick too.”
“Ew. Well I guess it is flu season, your shift is almost over right?”
Ambrose looked at his watch and held up two fingers, “2 hours,” he said unenthusiastically. “Speaking of, I should go do my rounds.”
When he returned Lauren was typing away on the computer, he sat down in the chair next to her.
“Oh, hey.” She said, distracted by whatever she was doing. “Uh, Mary said that you could head out early if all of your stuff is done, we’re really slow today.”
“Are you sure?” Ambrose asked, really ready to get out of there.
“Yeah, you only have like 5 rooms today? I can cover for you, I just discharged one of mine.” She turned toward him, “Now, get out of here. You’re literally turning green.”
“Thank you so much, Lauren. If I weren’t gay I could kiss you right now.”
“And if I weren’t gay, I maybe would’ve let you.” She smiled, “Have a nice night Ambrose. Feel Better.”
“I’ll try. Thank you again, I definitely owe you one.”
“I’ll remember that.” She called after him as he made his way to the break room.
~~
“What’re you doing here, I thought you were done at 6?” Liam asked, when Ambrose walked through the door, dropping all of his things.
“They let me leave early. I got super nauseous.” He said, joining Liam on the couch.
“You and me both.” Liam mumbled, laying his head on Ambrose’s shoulder.
“I’m going to get a shower and then I’m thinking we head to bed?” Ambrose proposed, pressing his cheek into Liam’s hair.
Liam nodded, “Yeah, that sounds really good.”
Liam was already in bed when Ambrose came in and laid down. He crawled under the blankets and wrapped his arms around Liam.
“I’m sorry you’re sick. I probably brought this home from work.” He mumbled, into Liam’s neck.
“I don’t know if it was from you this time, the kids at school are dropping like flies. I should be apologizing to you.” Liam replied.
They were both exhausted and even though it was only about 5 o’clock they both drifted off.
Ambrose woke up to the sound of the trashcan scraping on the floor and Liam retching. Once he was awake enough to put the pieces together he sat up, the room spun around him and he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes as he waited for everything to still.
Liam coughed and more liquid splattered into the plastic liner. The sound and smell instantly made Ambrose sick to his stomach.
“Shit, babe.” He said, rubbing his hand up and down Liam’s back as he tried to keep his own stomach in place.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened.” Liam groaned, spitting into the trash can. “I definitely brought this home from school. I’m sorry.”
“I could’ve easily brought this home from the hospital Liam, stop apologizing.” Ambrose groaned.
“This is so gross,” Liam whined, looking into the trashcan and gagging again.
“Yeah, I can take that.” Ambrose said, getting up and taking the bin out of Liam’s hands.
“Thanks, sorry you have to take care of me when you don’t feel well either.” Liam mumbled, laying back down.
Instead of responding Ambrose turned around, promptly puking into the trash can.
“Oh, wow.” he heard Liam say from behind him. The next thing he knew there was a hand on his back, rubbing circles between his shoulder blades. “I’m sorry. I made you sick didn’t I?”
Ambrose lifted his head and sniffled, “For fucks sake Liam, if you apologize one more time.”
“Sorry.” he said timidly, “Shit, okay. Let’s just get to the bathroom or something.” Liam said, ushering Ambrose out of the room.
When they made it to the bathroom, Ambrose sat the bin in the shower planning to deal with it later and sat on the floor.
Liam sat across from him, “This is absolutely ridiculous.” Liam muttered.
“I know, only us right?” Ambrose responded, smirking.
“I feel like this is the appropriate time to tell you that there’s no one I’d rather be puking my guts out together with.”
“Yes, that’s very comforting to know. The feeling is mutual.”
“Do you think that we can head back to the bedroom?” Liam asked, leaning his head against the bathroom cabinet.
“Yeah,” Ambrose nodded. “That sounds really good about now.
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1, 2, 5, 6, 19? :D
1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it? @palavapeite also asked this one, so I’ll answer both here:
I have two WIPs going right now. One is my amnesia Good Omens fic, Forget Me Not, which has just been fun, because I get to write those boys meeting and falling in love with zero history. I am looking forward to the ways I’ll write them getting their memories back, and the flood of 6,000 years worth of shared experiences hitting them both at once. It’s been fun, but slow going.
The other is a Childercelles modern day AU. Which is the trashiest of the trash, because that ship is utter trash to begin with, but now, it’s modern day, and it involves Lascelles sending Childermass a dick pic (thank you @shoreslip for that delicious prompt). So trash squared?? I adore writing for this ship because it allows me to play with all the kinky, nasty, ridiculous, over the top porn I can’t quite bring myself to write for johnsquared. Before I fell in love with Childermass/Lascelles, I’d never written hate sex before, and it allowed me to stretch those muscles. Now I am sort of addicted. I have this yen for those two, being horrible to each other while they rip each other’s clothes off. And a modern day AU means I’m free of trying to keep it period piece specific. It’s surprisingly joyful to use words like “wanker” and “mobile” and “auto mechanic”.
2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project
For Good Omens, an anon told me about a dream they had where I wrote an AMAZING late 90s rom com about Aziraphale running a shelter where washed up, ex rock star Crowley goes for rehab/AA/NA meetings. I adore the plot and absolutely plan to write it. I am assuming this is part of what nonny intended by telling me about it.
For JSAMN, I am just looking forward to describing Lascelles’ penis in his dick pic to Childermass and Childermass’ reaction to it, because I am a sick fuck and love kinky things.
5. What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?
Haha! in JSAMN, embarrassingly, it’s Norrell. I have so many anxieties surrounding change. I hate travel. I don’t like new things. I am a bit of a traditionalist. I am a wet blanket. I don’t trust fairies and think we should be VERY CAREFUL when using or discussing fairy magic. I identify with Norrell to an upsetting degree. As I’ve often said IRL, I do not like fun. Many of my friends will tell you that I am fun. I have a great sense of humor and can be very charming and have lots of friends, but everything scares me, I’m lazy and I hate new experiences.
Also Crowley. I strongly identify with him. I have far too many black clothes. I was raised by demons. I have a very wicked/dark sense of humor and I am in love with Aziraphale.
6. What character do you have the most fun writing?
All of them? Favorites might include Crowley, because he’s a walking pile of anxious limbs. And Segundus, because...you know...blushes. He’s so soft and nervous and sweet and squishy and I just AHHHHHHHHH. Sorry. Had a minor cinnamon roll attack there.
19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)
Oh yeah. Definitely. You’ll see a lot of the words “heated” and “gleaming” and “bloom”. I want to do an exercise where I write a one shot and try to use all new words. I don’t want to get stuck using the same descriptors or describing the same actions the same ways. I am always so impressed by the ways certain writers find to say the simplest things in the most profoundly different ways. Something to work on. As for tropes, I love ALL OF THEM.
Thank you for the ask! These are probably the most fun I’ve run into for the asks things that have been going around. :)
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Trial & Error | chapter 5
Main Pairing: (jimin): student/idol x (main): foreign student
Side Pairs: main x taehyung,, main x (nct) jaehyun
PART 4
The next day at school, you found Taehyung during lunch period. For some reason, he's not usually there but that day, he was. You went up and sat next to him. "Taehyung~~" you called. He looked up and smiled at you.
"Y/n! Come sit."
You placed your food tray on the table and sat next to him. "What are you doing here? Don't you have some extra work to make up?" you wondered.
He smiled brightly, shaking his head, no. "Finished! But I do have to stay after school."
"Ah yeah? What for?" you asked, taking a bite out of your bread.
"Extra curriculum. But it'll be fast, I have to head to the agency after."
Just as he said this, Jinsoul found her way to your table. "Hey, you guys," she said, casually sitting down with you two as if it were nothing. As if it hadn't been two weeks since you've last spoken. This was awkward. She looked at you nonchalantly as she unwrapped her sandwich. "Y/n," she greeted.
You cleared your throat. "H-hi..."
"Hey," Taehyung said to her. "Did you take the history exam yet? I think I'm gonna need some help studying." He shoved some food in his mouth, awaiting her response.
"Again?" she exasperated. He sulked, sucking in his top lip, then clasping his hands together in a pleading form. This made her sigh with defeat. "Fiiinee. But you're gonna have to help me with auditions and buy my lunch tomorrow. Deal?"
"Ugh, deal, I guess."
"You guys study together?" you wondered, kind of bothered by this. Everyone can stay her friend but me, you thought.
She shrugged. "Sometimes. Wanna join us? You and Jimin's class are gonna have to take it too next week."
You began to answer, "I, uhm...."
"Oh, speak of the devil," Taehyung stated. You all turned your heads to see Jimin coming your way. Wasn't aware we were all reconciling today.
"Yah, Kim Taehyung!" Jimin yelled. "You are so in trouble. Might wanna go straight to work after school." He sat down next to him, no lunch tray in his hands but instead, his cellphone.
Meanwhile, Taehyung looked confused. "Trouble?..."
Jimin looked stressed, taking a deep a breath and letting it back out loudly. "Look man, I'm telling you to just go talk to them, clear the air, maybe, I don't know but they want to speak to you."
"About what though?" Jinsoul asked, also looking confused.
"You two were together last night, right?" He pointed between you and Taehyung, causing you two to look at each other.
"I mean, yeah..." you responded. "What's that got to do with anything?"
Jimin shook his head back and forth. "Well, fans saw you guys and took pictures. Now they think you guys are going out."
You both were taken aback by this statement, not seeing it coming. You mean, it was a date but a friendly date. A friendship date. Nothing for people to really talk about, at least you didn't think so. However, you definitely did sometimes forget that Taehyung was an idol and didn't think much of it whenever you were in public.
Judging by the looks of your faces, Jimin noticed this made you both worried. "Yeah, it's not good," he spoke.
Jinsoul looked like she was in awe, staring with huge eyes. "A dating scandal already?" she said. "That is so not good, you guys just debuted."
"We're not dating," you quickly added.
Taehyung exhaled, standing up. "I-I gotta go." He looked flustered.
"What, right now?" Jimin asked.
"Yes, right now, this isn't just something I can sweep under the rug. I'll talk to you guys later." And with that, he sped off, leaving you with just Jinsoul and Jimin. After watching him leave, they both turned their heads to silently look at you.
"What?" you said. "You guys are looking like I just killed someone."
Jimin raised his eyebrows, looking down at the table top. You sighed, "I'm gonna go, too." You stood up, threw your lunch in the trash and headed towards the same direction as Taehyung did to see if you could try to find him to talk but to no avail.
~~~
All day long, students kept asking you if you were dating Taehyung. The news seemed to spread quickly and suddenly, everyone wanted to be your friend. By time last class came around, you made sure not to make eye contact with anybody. You were trying your best to avoid a thousand questions being thrown at you at once.
As you were taking notes and trying your best to listen to the teacher, you felt something hit your head. It bounced off your forehead, onto your desk. A balled up piece of paper. You looked up to see the source of this, only to find Jimin's head turned around, looking back at you. You were ready to pass it back to the person behind you like you would usually do for him until he mouthed that it was for you.
You began to unravel the paper and read what he wrote: "Meet me at the green pole after class". You looked back up to him but he had already turned back around in his seat. You then rolled your eyes, realizing it was a demand and not a question. What could he possibly want? You balled the paper back up and stuffed it in your backpack.
After the final bell rang, you ran out to use the bathroom before deciding to not leave Jimin hanging at the pole. As you walked up to him from behind, you tapped his shoulder, making him turn around. The green pole was in a secluded area just outside the premises of your school. You had no idea why he would want to speak to you there.
"You wanted to talk?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Why here?"
He chuckled. "I don't want anyone to see us speaking after all the rumors and all."
"Oh..."
He was staring at you for God knows why. You just wanted him to cut to the chase, it was too cold outside to be doing this. "Jimin--"
"Are you two dating?" he cuts you off, looking more serious this time.
You had no idea where this came from, especially since you made it very clear that you weren’t at lunch. "You can't be serious," you replied.
He stuffed his hands in his front pockets. "I am, y/n. He’s my best friend, I need to know."
You crossed your arms, ready to walk away from this foolish conversation. “How does that make this any of your business, Jimin--what’s it to you?”
“It’s my buisness because he’s been showing up to practice later than usual and seems distracted these days. Now with this news, the only thing I could think that would make sense would be that he’s seeing you... I’m just trying to understand him before I talk to him.”
You couldn't believe he was actually accusing you of being the reason for why Taehyung’s head wasn’t in the game.
“Wow, Jimin,” you huffed. “You don’t even trust your own so-called best friend so now you’re asking somebody that you barely even talk to anymore.”
He quickly put his hand up, trying to protest this. “Now wait a minute, y/n--”
“You’re so worried about Tae, you haven’t even noticed how you’ve changed.”
Jimin slowly started to look upset, which you couldn’t understand why because all you spoke was the truth. He tilted his head, slightly squinting his eyes. “If anything, I feel like you changed? You got quieter and quieter and would bail on us to study.”
“Bail”. He really used that word. You started to get even more angry. You never bailed, you would just often skip out on the parties that they would attend. You loved to party, you did. But this was your senior year and just because you were spending it in a different country with popular friends didn’t mean you could slack off.
"I didn't do anything wrong,” you spoke. “You guys are the ones who stopped talking to me."
He started to take a step forward. "Y/n--"
"No," you said, backing up. "Please don’t. It’s not fair of you to point fingers at me because I want to study. See, what you fail to realize is that I actually have to go to college. I know you and everyone else don’t exactly plan on doing that but for me, getting into a university is my only goal right now, not the music charts." You had no idea why you started to get so mad but you guessed it was just pent up anger.
"You're right," he admitted, looking apologetic. "And I'm sorry, I just have so much on my plate, I wasn't really thinking or trying to see your side."
"Jimin, save your breath, I don't need your apology or excuses. Taehyung is the only one out of you all that actually seems to give a damn.".
He looked at you intensely, scanning your eyes as it looked like he just thought of something.
"And don't give me that stupid look--"
"You like him, don't you?" he questioned.
You slightly flinched, not understanding why he would ask you that all of a sudden. Maybe you slightly did, maybe you didn’t, you weren’t sure. However, he did not need to know that. "I don't," you responded. "And if I did, I surely wouldn’t let you know. Are we done here?"
At this point, he looked defeated. "I have to go to the agency to practice so yeah, I guess we are but y/n... I still really want to be friends but if you don't want to, okay. Just know that I am genuinely sorry and that I do respect you."
You saw a faint frown on his face as he turned away and started to walk, making you feel a little bad. He did apologize and he was fun to be around at some point. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so hard on him...
You hesitated before sighing and calling out his name. "Ugh. Jimin.. Jimin, wait." You found yourself jogging up to him as he turned around at the sound of his name. "When's the next time you're free?"
A smile formed on his face. "I, uhm... I think Sunday afternoon will be okay."
You shook your head. "Sounds like a plan."
A/N: Some tension huh? Well at least it was resolved quickly. Or was it? Lmao stay tuned to find out!!
PART 6
#bts#bts army#army#bts reactions#bts scenarios#kpop#kpop reactions#jimin#taehyung#jungkook#namjoon#yoongi#hoseok#seokjin#jin#jimin x reader#taehyung x reader#taehyung x y/n#jimin x y/n#jung jaehyung#jaehyun#nct#taeyong#johnny#mark lee#nct scenarios#bts fluff#bts angst#jimin fluff#jimin angst
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Hi. Just want to thank you for being open about your experiences. Seeing your posts is part of what made me think about whether I’m actually cis or not. Idk what to call myself because I never questioned myself until now, mostly because I’ve always been called a pretty girl (sorry that that sounds arrogant) and figured that’s what I should be. But recently I started thinking about things I did as a kid or even stories I wrote. And I realized that before I even I guess knew the pressures of (1/4)
Hey Anon! I’m going to put my response to you under a cut, because it’s quite long, but I hope it might help and be of some use to you on your journey with your gender.
I think the most useful thing a friend has ever told me when it came to gender is that “Cis people don’t really think about it.” Cis women don’t typically sit and yearn or dream of being a different gender, wearing a different gender’s clothes with a different gender’s body. If you’re worrying or even considering that the gender you were assigned at birth might not be the gender you truly are - I think that’s something worthy of giving some space and putting some time into in order to explore and discover the different parts of yourself.
If you do all that exploration and internal reflection and decide in the end, that you really are cis after all - then at least you reaffirmed it for yourself and maybe learned some new things about yourself along the way that can lead to greater creativity and self-expression. But if you realise you’re not cis, you can start walking down a path to even more self-acceptance and self-discovery.
When it comes to gender dysphoria and whether or not you may have it, I would say that sometimes people have set notions on what gender dysphoria is and completely miss that they’ve been experiencing it at all. There’s actually different types of gender dysphoria and different folks experience them in different ways (or not at all. For example, someone might feel physically dysphoric but not socially or vice versa). I would also try to look out for instances of gender euphoria, which can also be a telling sign.
In my personal experience, I didn’t know being nonbinary was an even option until just a few years ago. After that, I still doubted my gender, because when it came to dysphoria, literally all the stories I’d ever heard were ones where trans folks were so powerfully dysphoric that living life as their assigned birth gender was absolutely unbearable.
Because I’d never heard anything different, I thought that being in a constant, state of overwhelming suffering was mandatory part of the trans experience before you transition and that if you weren’t utterly miserable, depressed, or suicidal as a pre-transition trans person, it meant you were cis. Period. I had no idea at the time that dysphoria can actually come in different forms (social and physical) and can come in varying degrees of strength.
This youtube video is the best way I’ve ever heard someone describe how I personally also have experienced gender dysphoria, which is as an ever present ‘hum’. Background noise that is so constant that you start to not hear it anymore, because it’s always there. Being referred to by she/her pronouns didn’t really bug me (though that’s changed now if I can tell someone’s intentionally trying to misgender me). I don’t HATE my body. I just feel a little awkward about it and don’t really like looking at it all that much - but I thought that was kinda normal for anyone who wasn’t a super model. I hated most women’s clothing for most of my life, but I just kinda thought I just didn’t like fashion. I could live as a woman if I had to, even if I sometimes found myself wishing and dreaming (both figuratively and literally) I was a tall handsome man instead.
Meanwhile, just like that video above also describes: gender euphoria was like a bell. This bright, short-lived flash of happiness and joy. Every time someone referred to me as he/his OOC, I felt this burst of happiness and excitement. Every time I saw pictures online of androgynous people or women that could dress so masculinely people mistook them for men, I felt a joyful rush. (The Kpop singer Amber had me obsessed for weeks. I thought I had a crush on her, until I realised I straight up wished I could BE her, because so many people mistook her for a boy in a girl’s band.)
There were several times in the past where I low-key avoided telling people what my gender was IRL when I played as male characters in other games, because I wanted to spend just a little more time getting to enjoy people calling me by male pronouns OOC. And when I was a young teenager RPing male characters, I straight up lied to my RP buddy and told them I was a boy, crafting this whole other persona of this tall, handsome male version of myself. I liked being seen as a boy so much that I didn’t want to ruin the illusion of it.
Unfortunately, this backfired when this RP buddy and I became very close and they eventually wanted to visit me IRL. I spent hours trying on my brother’s clothes, and then burst into tears, because my body was all wrong and I just could not pass as male at all. It was the strongest gender dysphoria I’d ever felt in my life.
I feel like that should probably have been the moment I realised I wasn’t quite cis, but I didn’t even know what ‘transgender’ or ‘nonbinary’ was at that time. And even when I did learn it was a thing, living as a girl/woman wasn’t CONSTANT SUSTAINED SUFFERING to me, so the thought that I might not be cis didn’t even register.
It was instead the repeated, consistent bursts of gender euphoria over the years that eventually made me question myself and my gender. Noticing again and again how much more ecstatic and joyful I felt when seeing people who were visibly genderqueer or when people referred to me by he/him pronouns or just thought I was a man, really hit home.
Unfortunately, people don’t really talk about gender euphoria very much at all when it comes to the trans experience, just about the suffering. Even now, I still sometimes get hit with bursts of “but is it really enough? have I suffered enough to earn this label? Am I a ‘transtrender’?” Sometimes the joy and happiness at being gendered correctly is also a really good sign.
The funny thing is, once I realised I wasn’t a cis woman, I was able to re-examine traditionally feminine things see how I felt about them. Like I mentioned in another post, I used to HATE and feel frustrated by make-up. Now I love it and deeply enjoy it now that I feel like it’s about my own self-expression instead of me doing something because it’s what women are supposed to do. I discovered I love long, elaborate earrings and want to wear those things regularly While I generally prefer more androgynous clothing, there are a few very feminine pieces of clothing I really like (and some that make me so dysphoric I yeeted them into the trash).
On the flipside, I also found out I really, really fucking love suits and want to look and feel powerful in one. I want several masculine-cut vests, and ties as soon as I find ones I like that actually fit me. I love anything that minimizes the existence of my boobs and want to fine more masculine footwear (though that’s hard, because I have tiny feet). I tossed most of my bras out and replaced them with bralettes. And I love blending the masculine and feminine together. I was ecstatic when a friend told me that I achieved Peak Gender Confusion Inducement with my new haircut. Seeing Billly Porter in his gown + tuxedo jacket combo made my heart fucking sing.
I feel really free and empowered to be more myself than I have in a long time. And I hope, if anything else, your exploration helps you find that in yourself too regardless of what your gender winds up being in the end.
Hope this helps! Sorry this was so long.
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Lights Out
Chapter One
I clutched onto the strap of my camera that hung from my neck, as I walked into the school doors. The first day of my senior year, and I was already wishing for it to be over.
“Just one more year.” I whispered to my myself. I couldn't wait to graduate. I hated being around people my age. They were so annoying and I just couldn't connect with them on a level that I did with people who were older than me.
This school was way too crowded. It was noisy and no one in the halls had any manners when they walked.
Idiots.
I rolled my eyes as I walked past a couple of jocks, who were chugging down milk cartons, just for the hell of it. Such badasses. “Chug. chug. Chug.” the group of hyenas shouted. Their voices traveled throughout the quad area and rang in my ears. I huffed before pulling out my phone and texting my sister, Zoey.
She was 2 years younger than me, but was very mature for her age. She was smart, beautiful and popular- unlike me. Zoey and I shared the same mother, but had different fathers. Although, we were sisters- i was more like a mother to her. I felt obligated to protect her, like she was my own. We had a rough childhood, and my mom didn't always make the best choices in life- but she did everything she could for us. We both respected our mother to the highest point, but to be honest, she was the reason why we acted the way that we did. Although Zoey was very sweet and sometimes shy, depending on the group she was around- she was very closed off, emotionally. She had a tendency to hurt people's feelings, without trying to, of course. Zoey was just very blunt. Which i liked. She wouldn’t dare let me walk out of the house, looking like a mess. So, I appreciated that characteristic of hers.
Me, on the other hand- I was emotionally damaged. Daddy issues, looking for love in all the wrong places. Yeah, that was me. I'm actually surprised that i’m not as coldhearted as Zoey. Then again, I was and still am, very naive about everything. I fell in love way too fast, and I guess you can say that's how i ended up in the situation I am now.
After texting Zoey, telling her to have a good day, I began to text my best friend- to figure out where she was.
“Well, don’t you look cute today.”
Hazel’s Outfit
Sapphire’s Outfit
Looking up from my phone, I seen Sapphire propped up against my locker- smacking on a piece of gum. I laughed and rolled my eyes, sliding my phone in my pocket. “Gum for breakfast, huh? Sounds like its good.” she blew a bubble, then tossed her long braids off her shoulder. “Yeah, you should try it.” She playfully pushed my shoulder and watched me struggle to remove my lock, as I tried to remember the code. “Your fourth year, and you still cant remember your code?” she sighed and took over, quickly turning the knob to the correct numbers and popping the lock. “Thanks.” I said dryly, swinging open the door. “So, have you heard from that thing, you call your boyfriend?” Sapphire pulled out her phone, popping her gum once again. “His name is Bryan. And no, I haven't.” I said quietly. “When are you going to break up with that fool? You’re way too good for him, Haze.” I watched her fingers scroll through her instagram then returned my gaze back to my locker. Ignoring her question, I slid my backpack and camera inside, exchanging them for a few books. “How’s Woojae doing, Sapp?” changing the subject and making it about her, was the only way out of this. She loved talking about him. Her eyes lit up as she snapped her head towards me. Her smile was big and exaggerated as she quickly dropped her phone back into her purse, clasping her hands together. “He’s very good. He was actually my ride here today.” Sapphire stuck out her tongue, in a “haha” kind of way then wiggled her eyebrows. “Things must be getting serious then, if you guys are car pooling.” I said laughing.
Sapphire and Woojae were friends with benefits, since their sophomore year. I just don't understand why they hadn't made things official yet. Nonetheless, it wasn't my business. Just like Bryan wasn't her business. “Speak of the devil.” she said licking her lips. As I turned around, looking in the direction her attention was glued to, Woojae was walking towards us with a few of his friends. I rolled my eyes as the jocks from earlier followed behind him.
Oh, I forgot to mention- Sapphire and Woojae were like, the head of the school. The “popular kids” if you will. Me, on the other hand, i was just a “regular.” I didn't really fit in anywhere and I was okay with that. Sapphire and I have always been friends since we were in kindergarten. Our mothers had been best friends since college so, we were basically more like sisters if anything. That's how I got so lucky to be friends with “the popular girl.” Sapp never used that word though. She hated it actually. She didn't like the idea of people thinking she was above them. She was one of those girls who could get along with just about anyone. No matter their social status and that's just one thing that I love about her. “I’ll see you later.” she said reaching in her purse to grab her lip gloss. “You’re ditching me?” I said slamming my locker shut and hugging my books. “Oh, stop it. You’re going to have your hands full anyways.” Sapphire playfully winked at me. “With?” I questioned in a confused tone. Without saying a word, she spread some gloss across her lips, threw the small clear tube back into her purse, then kissed my cheek. “Love you, see you at lunch.” she skipped away happily, meeting Woojae half way.
I threw my head back, groaning.
“Already?” I heard a low tone from behind me. Turning around, I noticed another close friend of mine, Junwon. His smile was bright and he looked well rested. “It’s only 7:45am. There’s no way your day can be that horrible already.” He laughed. I instantly cracked a smile at his words, then shuffled my feet in his direction for our routine hug. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed tightly. “It’s way too early for this, Junwon.” I complained. He gently swayed me back and forth. I shut my eyes as I rested my head on his chest, taking in the scent of his cologne. Bryan never smelt this good. He always just smelt like car oil and outside. That’s all he ever really did- was work on his car.
“Must have been hard for you to wake up so early. Damn the summer for making you so accustomed to sleeping till 12pm.” he laughed. I pulled back out of the hug and looked up at him, rolling my eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” glancing off to the side, i seen Sapphire and Woojae making out underneath one of the staircases. Shaking my head, I tucked some hair behind my ear. “Oh, I almost forgot.” Junwon said, reaching into his pocket. “You forgot this at my house.” Pulling out my extra camera battery, he held it in front of me.
“So, you’re hanging out at his house now?” I heard Bryan ask. Furrowing my brows, I slightly turned my head, seeing him leaning against the wall, next to my locker. He popped open a can of Red Bull, quickly drinking it down, then tossed the can in the trash before walking up to me and draping his arm around my shoulder. With his free hand, he snatched the battery from Junwon and waved him off. “Run along, loser. Hazel and I have some business to take care of.” Bryan cupped my chin, tilting my head back then stuck his tongue in my mouth, attempting to makeout with me. Junwon huffed then took his leave without question.
Placing my hand on Bryan’s chest, I pushed him back and wiped my mouth. “What the hell is wrong with you? You can't just speak to my friend that way, you jerk.” taking the battery from his hand, I shoved it in my pocket and pushed past him. “Hazel!” he screamed. I rolled my eyes, walking towards my class as the bell rang.
After my first few classes, it was time for my lunch. I was more than happy to have my lunch early, since i had a two open periods towards the end of the day.
Walking down the stairs to the cafeteria, ,i seen zoey talking to a few guys from a distance. She must have had an early lunch too. I smiled and hurried down the steps, running over to her.
Zoey’s Outfit
“Z!” I yelled. My sister quickly turned and squealed. “We have the same lunch!” she shouted back to me as her friends started to disperse. I wrapped my free arm around her, giving her a small hug as I held my books against my side. “I seen ya boy.” Zoey wiggled her eyebrows and smiled brightly. “Bryan?” I rolled my eyes. She huffed. “No, not that fool!” she said slapping my arm. “Junwon. He actually looked kinda upset.” my ears perked up like a cat. “Where is he?” I searched around the lunch room, looking frantically. “I seen him walk towards the back doors, maybe he’s outside?” quickly kissing zoey on the cheek, I ran towards the doors. “I’ll see you at home.”
Rushing past the double doors, a few people sitting at the tables looked up at me. It was quiet, so I knew for a fact that he was hiding out here. As I spotted him, sitting on the mini bleachers towards the soccer field, I pushed my hair out of my face and made my way towards him. Junwon had his headphones on, with a notepad in his lap as he wrote. I thought to myself and wondered what he was writing.
Sneaking up behind him, I slipped my arm through the wide bars and pulled down his headphones from the top of his head then rested them on his neck. He instantly turned around, with a confused look on this face. “Hi.” I waved. “Oh, hey.” Junwon’s confused expression was soon followed by an innocent smile. “What are you writing?” I asked as I made my way around the bleachers, taking a seat in between his legs. I sat indian style and took his notebook, smiling down at the pages as I set my books down. “Just a new song. Nothing special.” Junwon looked down at me and flipped his pen in between his fingers. “You know, I hate it when you do that. You’re way too talented to be selling yourself short. You know you’re good at what you do.” I quickly glanced up at him and noticed that he was smiling. I tilted my head and furrowed my brows before my lips curved into a smile too. “What?” I said laughing. He shook his head and slipped his pen behind his ear in one swift movement, before reaching down and tucking some hair behind my ear. “Nothing.” He lied. I sighed and handed Junwon his book back. “Listen, I'm really sorry about this morning.” my apology was sincere and I felt completely embarrassed.
Junwon was quiet for a moment before he shut his notebook and shoved it in his backpack. He pulled out a bright yellow flyer and held it out towards me, along with three orange wristbands. “I know you’re super busy with your little boyfriend, but if you have some free time this weekend- I'm having my first performance at this little party. You should come.” he said plainly. I looked down at the paper, then back up at him. “Did you hear what I just said?” I mumbled as I took the items. He nodded then threw one strap to his backpack on his shoulder before standing up. “It starts at 9pm, but doors open at 8pm for VIP’s.” Junwon pointed at the wristbands. Bring Zoey and Sapphire.” He insisted as he hopped down from the bleachers. “Junwon..” I said irritated. I knew what he was doing. He was acting like he wasn’t mad. I already knew he didn't like Bryan. No one did. But, that didn’t give him the right to just ignore my apology. Quickly jumping up, i ran after him and pulled on his arm. “Hey..” I whined. Junwon slipped his hands in his pockets and looked down at me. His expression was soft, but I could tell that he was upset. “Can you just acknowledge my apology, please?” He tilted his head before slipping one hand back out of his pocket. He softly cupped the back of my neck, pulling me a bit closer to him then kissed the top of my head. “Acknowledged.” With that, Junwon walked away, making his way back into the school building.
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Bjorn Miller (test drafts)
For my Family Matters reboot.
It was 4:30 in the morning. A young lad awoken by his phone, with the Jackson Five's "The Love You Save" playing over the alarm. He grabbed the phone, and switched the alarm off. However, he didn't feel the strength to get up. He couldn't pushed the snooze, since he knew the alarm would go off eventually.
He had trouble sleeping last night, for he watched a stupid click-bait video titled "Top Ten Proof Of Ghost Existence That Will Leave You In Heebies-Jeebies All Month Long." He tapped the video, out of his own curiosity and boredom. After finishing the video, he was so scared, he sat up in bed, frozen in a single position for two hours, heart racing. The silence of the room made him imagine like he was hearing things. And a slight noise from outside his window made him jump. Then he accidentally broke his bed. ...again. After watching some comforting cute cat videos, he fell asleep at 3:00 am.
Now that he's awake, he's thinking of resting for a few minutes. Suddenly, his eyes shot open wide. Whenever he rests his eyes, he loses count of the minutes, and therefore falling into a deep snooze. Which means he will oversleep, and be late for school. And when he's late for school far too many times, it will affect his attendance, and probably his grade. No way he's gonna be held back twice!
"$@#&! Mama gonna be very upset if I don't graduate and earn a diploma! (Get your stubborn fatass up, boy!!)"
He threw himself off the bed, and made the room shake a little. Before getting ready, he put the coffee pot on. Then he brushed his teeth, washed his face, showered-- There's no time to shower! I'll do that tomorrow! He got dressed, packed his stuff, went over his belongings twice to make sure he didn't forget something, then drank his coffee straight out of the pot, with cream of course. For breakfast, he put a single piece of toast in his mouth. All ready, he went out the door. Unfortunately, while in a hurry, he broke the door away from its joints. He hurried back in a panic, then scrambled throughout the living room and kitchen for sticky notes. He wrote out a message, and stuck it onto the dislocated door before hurrying to school.
Ma,
Will fix it again after school.
Don't you dare go through the trouble of fixing it yourself!
Your Baby, Bjorn.
Meet Bjorn Miller. Age 17. He's a 6'1 musclebound giant, widely thick in the middle, with a gut sticking out. His hair is a cross between a 90s' fade and an 80s' Jheri Curl. He's very strong, but quite clumsy because of it. He's gay, Jewish, and holds a case of anxiety that cannot be helped. He also battles with his own thoughts.
.................................
During lunch time, Laura was eating her lunch in one hand, and holding a history book in the other. She was multitasking, I guess. Bjorn slowly approached her. He stood next to the bench she was sitting next to. He wanted to get her attention, and hoped that she would start talking to him. He was too timid to start the convo himself. He tried coughing, but she didn't respond. He tried coughing louder, but Laura seemed to be more concerned about her studying.
Bjorn decided to get closer. He sat himself upon the bench, which broke down from his weight. He finally got her attention. Despite what just happened, all Laura asked was
"Hey, aren't you the top dog of scholastic wrestling?"
"Yup. That's me."
"Alright. I'm Laura Winslow! Nice to meet you!"
"Bjorn Miller. That's me. Of course, you probably already knew my name, given the fact that, I am the strongest wrestler. ...of scholastic wrestling. The class where we wrestle for sport. (Reeeeeeeeeeal slick, 'top dog!')"
"Actually, I didn't know your name."
"Heh. That's an embarassment. ('That's an embarassment?!' That reply is an embarassment!)"
Then a long silence took place. Bjorn was expecting a conversation. If Laura doesn't say something, he might as well do it himself. But, with the wrong words, it might lead to the wrong results. He's worried about how she'll react. Lunch ends in 15 minutes, and judging how Laura had her nose buried in that book, she doesn't look like she'll be asking any questions soon.
"(BOY, you better say somethin', right now!) Soooo, that nerd, what's his name, has been following you around lately! Should I do something about it?"
"Him? Oh, don't worry about him. ...unless he's coming at you with an accordion, or a jar full of roaches. That's just Steve. Steve Urkel. Everyone in school knows his name."
"So he's popular?"
"I would say infamous."
"Wow. Hey, what's your relationship with said nerd? I mean, Steve Urkel. The way he follows you around, are you sure he ain't a boyfriend of some kind?"
"No, I have better taste than that! He follows me around cuz he merely looks up to me as the twin sister he always wanted. His *Urkel voice impression* sibling from another crib-ling."
"Oh man, that's a relief. ...TH-THANK God he's not some dirty little creep!"
"Tell me about it. If he was in love with me, I'd have to beg my parents for a state transfer. Being friends with him is hard enough, but could you imagine, with someone of the likes of Steve Urkel, falling in love with you?"
"That doesn't seem so baaaaaaaa- I mean, yeah! Just makes you wanna VOMIT!"
Laura hesitated for a moment. It made Bjorn a little uneasy.
"Why do I have the feeling you have a crush on Steve?"
"WHAT?"
"You pretty much gave it away at 'That doesn't seem so bad.' Plus, it looks to me you're obsessed."
"That was a vocal typo! Those exist and that's what I call them! 'Obsessed?!' You straight girls think you know everything about gay dudes based on how we dress, talk, or look at other men! We are not your GBFs, we are not your shipping material, we are real people, dammit! Our reality is not your little pleasurable fantasy and okay you're absolutely right you got me. (BITCH!)"
"Heh heh, c'mon, you shouldn't feel ashamed. We Winslows are accepting individuals. ...except for Eddie, just a little. ...and Grandma.
"It's not the being gay part that concerned me, well okay by 1/2, it's who I'm hitting for. Have you seen him?"
"Child, once you've seen an Urkel, you've seen them all. And I don't care who you have the hots for. Just as long as it's not Eddie."
"Why?"
"He's so homophobic, he won't even hug his male buddy in private. Despite that, he still pro-claims himself as an ally."
"Does he ever refer to-"
"Yup. 'The gays.'"
"Yeeeeeeeesh. Well, thanks for this conversation! Remember not to tell anyone! You wouldn't break a tall muscle dude's promise now, would you?"
Bjorn was about to leave, but then Laura grabbed hold of his arm. Rather than stopping him, she got dragged along the ground. Taking notice, he stopped and helped her back up.
"Aren't we still discussing your personal issue?"
"We are? Oh, we are! Sorry! I thought you had forgotten the subject after you brought up your brother! (Actually that was just an excuse to get away. I knew I would regret talking to you! Boy, am I lucky you can't read my thoughts. By the way, I hate that shirt.)"
"If you love Steve, you love him! It doesn't even matter. Sure, he's annoying, weird, clumsy, socially inept, boney thin, laughs like this, 'Heeh heeh heeh heeh!! *Snort*', has bad taste in music, wears his pants too high-"
"You sayin' you respect how I feel about Steve, yet it sounds to me you're trying to turn me off."
"Sorry. What I meant to imply, my opinion, everyone else's opinion, should not affect yours. If that's how you feel about Steve, then don't deny it! (Plus, if you could get a date with him, we'd be so relived to have him off our backs.)"
"That doesn't help me, but I appreciate the support."
"Well, I'm technically not a shrink, so-"
Laura was then interrupted by a nasally, obnoxious, and familiar voice.
"LAURRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!"
It was Steve, bouncing his way over to his "sibling from another crib-ling," wrapped in measuring tape. Bjorn then panicked. The nerd was coming closer any second, and there's no where to hide. He just stood behind Laura, holding her lunch bag in front of his face. When Steve made it, he fell face flat on the floor. Laura helped untie him.
"Another invention gone wrong, eh Steve?"
"Either my self-measuring measuring tape still has a few kinks to calibrate, or it just doesn't like me."
"The second hunch is believable."
"HEYYYYYYY!"
Even Bjorn himself was offended by Laura's statement. Suddenly, the bell rang. Laura grabbed her book and moved on to fourth period. Steve, being a helpful friend, grabbed his buddy's lunch, without noticing Bjorn standing there. The large man was left frozen in place. Him and Steve practically made eye contact, and he just ignored him like a stranger off the streets. Or maybe an inanimate objects. Steve loves to annoy strangers. Him and Laura didn't even finish their chat. Well, not like he wanted that chat in the first place. Bjorn began to hear static. He looked down at the measuring tape Steve left behind. The thing reactivated, then limped away on its own.
...............................
Bjorn was walking through the school hallways, carrying around a hall pass. Waldo came around, dragging an empty sack with him, which belonged to P.E. class. As Waldo spotted Bjorn, he greeted him with a "'Sup."
"Why are you dragging that empty sack?"
"Well, have you ever tried to push one?"
"I-"
"Excuse me, I'm on my way to the cafeteria before the trash bins empty out."
Waldo then walked on with his sack, leaving Bjorn more puzzled. He would've asked more questions, but he knows how sensitive Waldo can be towards "personal topics," even if it is stupid. Suddenly, he heard banging from the inside of a locker. He then followed the sound.
"You alright in there? Look, if you just give me your combination, I could help free you! And, I know we've never had acquaintance with each other before ('ACQUAINTANCE!' everytime I try to say something fancy or smart, it only comes out sounding dumb!) and I really don't know who you are, but you can trust me on this! Your locker code will be safe with me! Hell, I forget easily! (Great, now I sound like a creep!)"
All Bjorn got in response was mumbling. It sounds like that person is being gagged. Maybe they're tied up in there, too! Bjorn just said "FUDGE IT," then ripped the locker door open in a second. To his surprise...
"Steve?!"
Of all the kids to rescue today, it happened to be that cute little nerd. His mouth was taped shut. Bjorn assisted his friend out, then removed the tape afterwards. Knowing his own strength, he tried to peel it off as gently as possible. However, even with the most littlest strength used, he still brought Steve into pain.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Calm down, little man! I was only trying to help! I only asked for your combination so I could save the school from property damage! Look!"
After screaming, Steve took out a crumbled up, now soggy, piece of paper from his mouth.
"No. Its not you. I think part of my lip teared off on that tape."
"Don't worry, no part of your lip parted. Even if it did, I say you'd still look good. Uhhhhh, I mean that in a platonic statement."
"Hmmmm. That's the first time I've ever been told I look good! Heeh heeh heeh, *Snort*"
"(That laugh, oh my god! I just wanna &$#@in' hold you!) I hope I'm not making a nosey impression here, but how did you get yourself into this awkward mess?"
"Awwwwww, you aren't being nosey at all, my friend! I AM a genuine intellectual! You ask the questions, we answer them!"
"Even if it's just a simple one?"
"Right-a-reeno! Now, let me see if I could trace back- Oh yeah!"
Steve straightened the paper that was stuffed into his mouth earlier. It revealed to be a flier. A Bug's Life Is A Living Life.
"It's an organization I arranged myself, to help protect those poor defenseless insects! You have to look out for the little guys, you know!"
"They stuffed you into your locker for that?"
"Yes indeedy! I just don't see what's the problem! What do they have against bugs? Sure, they're not the prettiest sight to the human eye, but they're quite misunderstood, I assure you! In fact, they hold such ecological and economic importance to our environment!"
While Steve was giving his monologue about bugs, Bjorn stared at the nerd, pretending as though he were listening. The way Steve felt about bugs is the same way he feels about him. Steve was unattractive, strange, and conceived as a pest. He was more of a frog than a prince. But, in Bjorn's case, he couldn't see any of those flaws. Steve was something special to him. What Bjorn loved about Steve was how he was good spirited, friendly, and carefree. He manages to stay positive no matter what people think of him. He was the opposite attraction to a worrywart like Bjorn here.
Bjorn wished he could be as careless and fearless as Steve. And the way he cares for his friends is just so wholesome. He cares for them unconditionally. Always popping up to lend a helping hand, always volunteering to give company. Last thing to add was how nice Steve can be. A little too nice, but it just goes to show you how much of a loving guy he is. If he sees a sad soul, he will do anything do put a smile on their face. Steve is always willing to fix a problem, even if it's not his business. He is also willing to stand up for those who have contempt towards him.
Steve may not be perfect, but at least he's passionate, supportive, and kind. People like that make Bjorn's heart beat. Although they have nothing in common, they both can be very clumsy. He wants to tell him how he feels. He wants to tell him before its too late. Whatever that "too late" might be, he won't allow it. But, what if Steve doesn't return his feelings? What if he's really heterosexual? So far, he hasn't witnessed or heard Steve give disgust towards same-gender pairs. It could imply that Steve may be queer himself, or he's just an ally. Bjorn thought, "I could respect Steve's choice, but I'll also be unhappy. It's not gonna be easy finding another one like him." He's got to tell Steve eventually. Now or never.
"Steve?"
"Huh?"
"Could we change the subject? If not, that's okay. Keep talkin' about your bugs, or somethin'."
"Shoot!"
"What?"
"Go on! Tell the Urk my-ster what you have on your mind! I'm all ears!"
"*Gulp* Okay."
"My goodness, you're all sweaty! It must be very personal!"
"(Now I wish you'd continue talking about your bugs again) Well, I wouldn't say it's MY problem. I have this... ...anon who posted this question to me yesterday on my blog."
"'Anon?' Sounds like some slimeball con. That’s certainly something to get hot up about.”
"No, Steve. Anon is short for anonymous."
"Oh."
"They sort of have an issue, involving a crush. They told me they love said person, but they don't know how to bring out a confession. How do I respond?"
"Hmmmmmm... sounds like a hopeless romantic distress. Ya know, despite my lack of experience in romance, although the closest I've ever had was a unrequited affection for my fifth grade science teacher, Ms. Rohrback, one of the few pointers I could give to this so-called 'Anon' is to walk right up to said crush, and say, *Grabs Bjorn's shirt and speaks in a raspy tone* 'I can't help but think about you all day. My heart beats rabidly everytime I hear your name. You have no idea what this feeling is doing to me! Look into my eyes, and let me tell you... ...I love you.'"
Steve's gesture made Bjorn's heart beat louder, and he began to sweat more.
"Oh my! Bjorn, I think you oughtta see a nurse! You're more sweaty than usual, and I can hear your heart beat!"
"No, I'm fine! Actually, maybe I will pay the nurse a visit! But could I ask a few more questions?"
"Well, make it quick! You look as though you're ill, you poor lug!"
"What if this anon happens to be shy?"
"Tell them to take all the time they need!"
"Yeah, but what if they are worried that said crush won't love them back? What if they get rejected?"
"Ah, there's plenty of other fish in the sea."
"What if they can't find another fish?"
"Why are you so concerned with a person's, whom you've never met, social life? Unless these additional questions happen to belong to the Anon themself!"
"Of course not! I mean, yes they do! I mean, I don't remember! I probably just dreamt of it!"
Bjorn is reaching his limit. Steve must be getting warmer to him. He is a genuine intellectual. Hell, Bjorn has likely gave himself away with all the sweat he's broken into, the loud heart beat, and these stupid questions. Bjorn yelled "I should get back to class now!" then ran straight through a wall, leaving Steve confused. The janitor came by and soon noticed the big hole. He turned his eyes towards the nerd.
"Well, now, don’t look at me! I didn't do that!"
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Dancing for You
Here’s chapter two! Thanks to everyone who liked the beginning! Here’s the AO3 link.
Summary: As Cyrus prepares a dance for his high school’s talent show, he finds himself entangled in a new friendship with none other than TJ Kippen, Grant High School’s resident jock. Only good things can come from new friends…right?
Words: 2087
Chapter 2
“Good morning Grant High!” The voice of Grant’s principal, Mr. Hayes, rang out from the loudspeaker. Although he usually paid attention to the announcements (unlike most of his peers), Cyrus could barely even keep his eyes open. He was really tired out from the talent show, and he almost overslept. He listened to the announcements as best he could, but his “best” ended up being falling half-asleep for everything but the very first and very last announcements. He zoned back in just as Mr. Hayes finished with “And please go vote for all of our very talented students who performed last night! Videos and the ballot can be found on the school’s website!”
“Does he not understand that you literally can not vote for ‘all’ of the performers?” sniggered Buffy, who sat next to Cyrus in first period Spanish.
“Oh, you know Mr. Hayes,” said Cyrus as he yawned. He really needed to get more sleep. “Besides, it’s a nice gesture, right?”
“You’re too nice, Cyrus.”
“Well someone has to stick up for the guy. All everyone ever does it makes fun of him.”
“Principal’s pet,” teased Buffy.
“Whatever. Let’s get down to business before Senora Gonzalez yells at us.”
Cyrus drifted through school as a zombie. He was probably going to have to relearn everything he was taught that day, but he was too exhausted to care. His math teacher even noticed that he was more tired than she’d ever seen him! After almost running into several people in the hallway (including one who Cyrus swore didn’t even go to Grant), Cyrus somehow got himself to history on time. Granted, he was literally the last person to arrive when he was usually one of the first, but Cyrus was willing to count it as a win. Unfortunately for him, someone had decided to appropriate his typical seat (which was the best one in the entire room, if you asked Cyrus), leaving the only open seat at the end of the last row, next to TJ Kippen. Cyrus groaned, but he couldn’t help but be somewhat satisfied with the temporary change. As much as he hated the back row, Cyrus was dying to have another conversation with TJ, and, more importantly, find out what the heck ‘Underdog’ meant.
However, before Cyrus could even open his mouth to ask TJ, Mr. Forbes started class. ‘That’s right,’ thought Cyrus. ‘I’m not as early as I usually am, so I don’t have time to chit-chat like I usually do.’
“Good morning class! I hope you all got the chance to go see the talent show last night! Let me tell you, Grant has some very talented students! In fact, we even have a very skilled dancer in this class! Our own Cyrus Goodman killed it last night!”
“Thanks,” Cyrus mumbled while the entire class turned to look at him. He really did not need the entire class to be very aware of his dancing abilities. Sure, he did decide to go and dance in front of hundreds of his peers, but he didn’t expect any of them to talk to him about it. Now, Mr. Forbes was practically inviting them to! Although, Cyrus supposed, he already had someone talk to him about it. TJ. In the bathroom of the Spoon.
Speaking of TJ, when Cyrus glanced over at him, he found a very soft and a very not-intimidating TJ staring back, before he shuddered and looked away. Cyrus was really going to have to interrogate him later.
“Anyway, we are going to begin our decades projects today! Now, they won’t be due until about a month after the AP test (which let me remind you is in three weeks!), but I wanted to give you guys ample time to come up with great ideas! This will be a partner project, so I’ll give you guys some time to pick partners after I’ve explained the entire project.”
Anxiety spiked through Cyrus. None of his friends were in this class! He looked over each of his classmates. Steph would pair up with Katie, Andrew would go with Victoria, Alex and Oscar would probably work together, Kira was too bossy and too much of a perfectionist, and Reed was too much of a dumbass (Cyrus wasn’t even sure how he got into AP US). Maybe he could work with Leo? His locker was right next to Cyrus’s, and he always seemed nice.
“So, without any further ado, I release you to the Battle Royale that is the picking of project partners!” announced Mr. Forbes (ever the dramatist), and the chaos began.
Cyrus stood up and started to make a beeline for Leo, but then TJ knocked over the tall pile of papers and folders that was sitting on Cyrus’s desk. By the time he finished cleaning everything up, Lester had already claimed Leo, and everyone one else had partnered up. Except for TJ.
“Guess we’re stuck together, huh?” said TJ, although he didn’t seem to be too disappointed about it.
“I guess so,” said Cyrus as he sat back down. Since he was already sitting next to TJ, there was no need to move to another spot.
“Kippen and Goodman? There’s a pair I never thought I’d see,” said Mr. Forbes while he wrote their names down next to a decade. “You two will have the 80s. Don’t mess it up! I am entrusting you with the decade of my youth!”
“Forbes is such a dork,” TJ said after their teacher walked away to assign decades to the other groups.
“I know, but it’s sweet. What other teacher is willing to be that goofy with their students?”
“Yeah, you’re right.” TJ paused a moment before a grin broke out on his face. “Did you watch those videos of him that Reed found?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Are you in the groupchat?” After Cyrus shook his head no, TJ continued “Oh, give me your number and I’ll add you. Anyway, there are these videos of him on YouTube where he’s telling stories. One of them is about him selling all of his belongings and going backpacking across Europe.”
“There is no way he actually did that.”
“I dunno, he does have that glimmer in his eyes…” TJ’s sentence drifted off and they both started at their teacher for a moment before Cyrus brought them back to the task at hand.
“Well, I guess we should get started.”
“Yeah, I guess.” A beat passed. “So,” TJ continued, “Do you have any idea what we should get started on?”
“Not really? Brainstorming is probably the place to start, and I don’t know about you, but personally, I think my brain is feeling pretty calm right now.” Cyrus was expecting a response, and he got one, but not in the form he thought he would get. Instead of using his words, like, y’know, any decent person, TJ started laughing.
‘Great,’ though Cyrus. ‘He’s finally come to his senses and realized what a joke this is and now he’ll try to weasel out of being my partner, which is perfectly fine by me because I probably would’ve ended doing it all anyw-’
“That’s a good one, Underdog,” TJ said, (quite rudely) interrupting Cyrus’s inner monologue. “Mind if I use it?”
“Wait, you mean you weren’t just laughing at me?”
“What? I was laughing at what you said, not at you.”
“Oh,” Cyrus swallowed. “Well, how stormy is your brain feeling right now?”
“I’d said pretty stormy.” TJ grinned, but Cyrus could just barely hear TJ add an “as always” onto the end of his statement. As much as Cyrus would have loved to dive into what TJ meant, he decided against it. If TJ did in fact not hate him (which seemed to be the case), Cyrus was not about to go and ruin it.
“I guess we can get started with that then?” he said instead.
“Sound like a plan.”
Twenty minutes and more than a couple of pieces of paper later, TJ and Cyrus had come up with approximately one hundred million ideas, none of them very good.
“What even happened in the 80s?” groaned TJ as he crumpled up another piece of paper and expertly shot it into the trash can.
“Three minutes twenty-three seconds to three minutes thirty-four seconds,” said Cyrus.
“Huh?”
“‘We Didn’t Start the Fire.’ You know, where it goes ‘Wheel of fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal suicide/foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz/hypodermics on the shore, China’s under martial law/Rock and Roller coaster wars’? It happens between three minutes and twenty-three seconds and three minutes and thirty seconds.”
“One, how the fuck do you know that? Two, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT?!”
“I thought it would be valuable information when I was like 12.”
“Seriously? You have got to be the most interesting person I know, Underdog.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m that interesting. And what’s with that nickname? That’s like the third time you’ve called me ‘Underdog.’”
Before TJ could answer, the bell rung. “I’ll keep trying to come up with ideas!” he called as he went out the door. “I’ll let you know if I think of any good ones!”
“You guys are NOT going to believe this!” Cyrus said, sitting down with at his lunch table.
“What is it, Cy? Did they overstock chocolate chocolate muffins and are giving the extras away for free?” responded Buffy.
“Haha, very funny.”
“What? 9 times out of 10, when you are yelling in the cafeteria, it’s about those damn muffins!”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“While I am sure that that would be a very entertaining argument to listen to for twenty minutes, I want to know what Cyrus was going to tell us,” interrupted Andi.
“Oh! So you know how I had that conversation with TJ Kippen yesterday?” said Cyrus.
“Yeah, did you ever figure out what that was all about? And the whole ‘Underdog’ thing?” said Jonah.
“I’ll get to that. So today Mr. Forbes has us pick partners for the decades project. And somehow I ended up being partners with TJ! And for some reason he seems happy about this! And then he called me Underdog again, like twice!”
“I’m starting to wonder what exactly his motives are,” said Buffy.
“Me too! But don’t you think he would’ve just shoved me or something if he wanted to mess with me? It’s so much easier than being forced to spend time with me.”
“Maybe he just wants to get a good grade on the assignment?” suggested Andi.
“Maybe,” said Cyrus.
“Speak of the devil,” muttered Buffy, and, before he could ask what she meant, Cyrus felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to face a grinning Kippen.
“Hey! I just has an absolutely amazing idea for our project!” TJ said excitedly.
“Well? What is it!” responded Cyrus.
“So you know how you were talking about that one section of ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ that’s about the 80s? What if we rewrote it be entirely about that decade!”
“Hmm, an iconic song filled with events of an iconic decade? I think that’s a great idea! We’d probably have to write a more detailed explanation and analysis about the events, but it would definitely work!”
“Awesome! I guess we can figure out when to get together and work on it tomorrow?”
“Sounds like a plan! See you in history!”
“See ya in history!”
When Cyrus turned back around to continue his lunch and conversation with his friends, he was met with a couple of shit-eating grins.
“What?” he asked.
“You seemed a little enthusiastic about that exchange,” teased Andi.
“Yeah, I could literally hear the exclamation points at the ends of your sentences,” added Buffy.
“What are you guys talking about?” asked Cyrus.
“They’re talking about how you obviously like TJ,” said Jonah without looking up from his phone.
After a beat of shocked silence from the others at the table, Jonah looked up. “What? I’m not as oblivious as you all think I am,” he said, and laughter erupted from the table.
“But seriously,” said Buffy as she tried to suppress giggles, “you so totally like him!”
“I so totally do not!”
“Okay…” said Buffy, and they all went back to eating their lunches.
“Oh, hi TJ!” said Andi.
“TJ?” Cyrus whipped around, but TJ was nowhere to be seen. Andi and Buffy, however, were giggling uncontrollably behind him.
“Yep, you don’t like him at all,” said Andi.
“Oh, shut up.”
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Steven Universe’s Change Your Mind: A Review
I had planned and wrote out a 12 page reaction paper on the episode, like shot for shot my thoughts, and planned to copy/paste it here and add reaction gifs...
For some reason Tumblr won’t let me. I have tried twice in the past 2 days, wasting the better part of 2 whole days (I started the minute I finished watching the episode for the first time and have only taken periodic breaks for my sanity).
I don’t want to want to waste my time again by spending all day on it again, only for it to not work and I loose the last strain of sanity i have left. So instead I am just going to give my overall review in parts, in the hopes that this things actually posts, and my more detailed version (minus the gifs) will be lost to time and space.
First things first! The new outfits/forms:
- Peridot's form I instantly loved. Her visor and hair are on point! Literally! I love her new outfit, she finally got her stars! I also love that she is basically Static Shock with her levitating trash can lid!
- Lapis’s new form will take some getting use to. I love the look, with the crop top and the baggy pants/sandals. She looks like Aladdin and I’m okay with that. I just have a problem with the gold strings/shoes. I understand why she has the gold and what it is suppose to mean/symbolize. I just have OCD and have a hard time when I see clashing color pallets. This is just an issue I have in general, so I will just have to get use to it.
- Amethyst’s new form is probably my favorite. Her star shorts, her tank with her visible gem window, its so her! The color palate is also the best she has had, I hope she keeps this form for awhile but knowing Amethyst she probably won’t have this for long.
- Pearl’s new form is very cute and very simple. I like her new shoulder pad like jacket, it’s even got a star on the back! Those skinny jeans are also very cool!!!
- Okay confession time. I am fine with Garnet’s new form except for the visor/shades. Don’t get me wrong I love the shape, it’s just that color clashes with the rest of her. I know its similar to her gauntlets, but to be honest that part has always bugged me as well. I will get use to them eventually, it just might take time, just like with Lapis.
Next let’s cover the new fusions:
- Rainbow Quartz 2.0:
This is so important, this was the only fusion we know of that took place between Rose and another single Gem! (Again that we know of) So seeing this new form with Steven is so big!!!! And it didn’t disappoint! I love everything about them. They are basically a queer Mary Poppins and I love everything about them! I love their rainbow powered umbrella. I love their puns. I even love that they are voiced by a boy!
- Sun Stone:
Holy crap. They are a Flaming Cheeto with sunglasses… and a walking embodiment of every 90’s “Cool Kid’s Cartoon” cliché, right down to the fourth wall breaking…. I love them!
But suction cups as a weapon? Really?
- Obsidian:
Where do I even begin? This is the first on screen appearance of the Temple Fusion in real life! Like this is a big deal! Okay, first off let’s talk about the 4-way fusion dance! Garnet with her hand movements and hips. Steven just mash potato-ing is adorable. Pearl is elegant as ever with those ballet moves. Amethyst fist bumping and rocking her hips as well. All forming a pyramid! Awesome!
Then when they all fused and started to form Obsidian, and all those arms started forming I was getting super excited! And then we got to see her (or Them since Steven is a part of the fusion) and she does not disappoint. She is basically a gem version of Ta Ka from Moana and I love everything about her! Also THAT SWORD!
The Diamond Reformations:
- Blue’s reformation was the first and easiest. She was closest with Pink, and after Steven showed her how miserable she and the other Diamonds made Pink, how much Blue made Pink cry, I knew she was going to reform. I also love that Blue stood up to Yellow and even called Steven by his real name, not joking like before. But maybe I am bias, she is MY diamond after all.... #MyDiamond
- Yellow’s was next and I knew she’d be a tough one but once Steven and Blue got through to her she crumbled easier than Blue.
I will however say that when she called Steven by his real name, the moment didn’t feel as earned as Blue’s. It should have been given a bit more time, or at least shown Steven’s reaction like when Blue did it.
- I knew White would take the longest, she is a toxic abusive parent and its very hard to get them to stop being abusive, let alone admit that they are abusive. Her taking control of the diamonds and the crystal gems was bad enough, but when she PULLED OUT Steven’s gem, I was about ready to never forgive her.
I was dead set on her needing to be poofed or something, but no. Steven did the unthinkable, he got through to her. How? By throwing shade at her! That come back was straight out of the pilot, like DAMN!
Also can we just take the time to reflect on how utterly creepy a lot of this episode was.... like nightmare fuel creepy...
The Ending:
- When this special started I honestly didn’t think we’d make it back to Earth in one piece, let alone redeem all the diamonds and cure corruption. Like yeah the ending felt more like a series finale and if they canceled Season 6 and we just had the movie left I would be okay.
We have a few unanswered things, but the big important stuff got resolved so I am not exactly sure where to go from here....
What’s Next:
- We Still don’t know what is in the chest in Lion’s mane!
- All the corrupted gems are healed so now we can do stories around them!
- The original Pink Pearl is no longer being controlled by White. She is free, and we still don’t know how her eye was damaged.
- Speaking of we still don’t know much of Pearl’s backstory before she was given to Pink Diamond/Rose.
- Jasper is uncorrupted but that doesn’t mean her redemption arc is over, it hasn’t even started.
- Lars is back on earth with the Off Colors so we can do some stories around that, like more on their backstories, interactions with the crystal gems, exploring earth, etc.
- How are the Diamonds made? Who made them? Was Pink an off-color or intended to be that color.
- We don’t know what happened to Russia in this world
- More lore on the Gem constructions on earth, like especially that Geode Storm thing from season 1.
- Since Lapis is back and now a crystal gem, she and peridot need to fuse.
- In fact all the remaining gems need to fuse with Steven at least once and with each other! We need more fusions okay?!
- Speaking of fusions Greg needs to fuse with Steven at some point as well.
- Era 3 has began. Is Homeworld going to stop their evil ways? Will gems get treated better? Will there be a civil war on Homeworld? Was Escapism foreshadowing for season 6 and beyond?
- The rose quartz’s in the bubbles at the zoo need to be freed. The Humans too.
- We need to learn Lion’s backstory. How did he “Die” and did Rose know she could bring him back? Also is Lars now going to get powers like Lion? Is Lars immortal now?
- Mystery Girl needs to come back.
- We need to see Sapphire and Ruby’s new forms, so we need an episode where they come out again, hopefully just to be cute and show off, not because they’re mad at something/someone.
- We need to rebuild the barn or Uncle Andy is going to be pissed.
- We have Lars’s ship AND Pink Diamond’s legs. We can travel to other colonies and parts of space unknown.
I could go on and on but I think I’ve made my point.
This finale was cosmic.
Beyond anything the show has done before.
Now begins the long wait for the movie!
I hope we get an actual trailer soon.
Or just some more information on it, like the villain, or if this takes place before or after season 5. Things like that.
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Do you reckon they are going to write Bill off - give him a judgeship and heave ho - he's on his way out of HV! The extended preview makes it seem like that!
I definitely had that thought. It’s obvious to me that they’re not really sure what to do with Bill as a character. They spent S5 and so far S6 making him into a punching bag for bad jokes (while also writing him as a giant jerkwad). It wouldn’t surprise me too much if they decided they’d had enough of his character taking up space in a main slot and decided to ditch him for younger men with more obvious roles to play.
If so, that’d be a real shame. I have to admit that losing Bill as a character might tempt me pretty hard to stop watching. I don’t like how they age all the women down with layers of makeup. They try to do the same with the men but it doesn’t work very well. I know there were a few times they just made Lee and Bill look about ten years older instead of younger. Yikes!
Anyway, a judgeship would be an easy way to get rid of Bill. I maintain that without a DAMN good bit of character development (aka, a reason for Bill to take it), it wouldn’t make sense for his character to do so. He quit being a Mountie because he had to adhere to the law too much to do his job. Becoming a judge is more of that, but like, with even more eyes on him. That said, easiest way to write it so it makes sense? Bill has his own personal arc featuring an identity crisis. Without his Big Important Job and Big Important Title, he doesn’t really know who or what he is anymore; he’s…lost, I guess. Directionless. That isn’t hard to imagine, you know? Remember, Bill lost both parents before he was finished with his schooling, but Jonas took him in, paid for that schooling, and put Bill on the path to being a Mountie. If I remember right, when Bill quits the Mounties, he says something like, “For the first time in my life, I get to decide what I want to do.” He’s never had that option. To be fair, lots of people didn’t get that option in that time period; you just did what was expected of you. But you’re not a big important person with power, influence, and an amazing reputation for 30 years for nothing! Quitting that…maybe it felt freeing for a while, but now everything is stale.
Is he making a difference? Is he really helping anybody as sheriff to Hope Valley?
Once Nathan shows up, he can assist Nathan, but…that’s all he is. An assist. It’s possible that, for Bill…Nathan’s presence will put him in a position where he’s kind of at a crossroads. He owns part of the café, but it’s possible that Abigail’s dip into the stock market will leave her with more money so she can buy him out. Then what would he do? Retire on that money? Waste away?
Sure, Jack Wagner’s not really that spry, but we’re supposed to see Bill as exactly that kind of person. He’s a doer–he does things. Hands on.
So maybe this judgeship offer comes along and he gets some of those old feelings back. You know, the itch to go and do something. To make a difference. To do some good. Hope Valley won’t need him anymore, and it’s not good for him to languish there forever. He has no family left to go to. Just a few friends. Sometimes that’s all a person needs, but…he still has to live the rest of his life. How is he going to spend that time? Meandering around Hope Valley, aimless, without goals?
Anyway, something else the writers could do if they really wanted to make it work, especially since it may be that AJ isn’t going to be making an appearance this season… Assuming AJ is still in prison, she’s been there six months already. I’ve said before her *many* crimes could probably net her 10 years or more as a maximum sentence; just because Georgia told Bill that she would suggest less time than Henry doesn’t mean that she got less time than Henry. It’s still up to the judge. So hey, easy way to get Bill to accept a judgeship? Just bring up AJ. If he was in a position like that, he could protect people like her and punish those who actually deserve it.
Anyway, I hate the idea, but I can figure out how to write it so that it works. My one true talent lol. I find it hard to believe they’d want to toss Jack Wagner into the trash after all this time, but…I guess you never know, right?
I can’t speak for what they’ll actually do, but I’m hoping that no matter what route they choose, they make it count. The way Bill seemed to approach Abigail about it was…odd. Kind of dazed? More emotional than they usually give the character. Maybe he’s just shocked it’s real. I would be.
It’s the kind of thing a young Bill might have thought would have been The Ultimate Goal but which current Bill would probably say, “Ugh, that’d tie me down too much, and I can’t do whatever I want, but it’s still a really high honor…do I want to pass that up?”
As a slight aside, they could have him accept it, be gone half a season, and then return because he actually hated it. I think that’d be absolutely ridiculous (Bill isn’t much of a quitter), but they wrote him as a lazy piece of shit in S5 for absolutely no reason, completely contradicting his established character, soo… shrug?
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*power slides into your Ask box.* So. A Life Out of Order, huh? How much am I allowed to know about this? Are we talkin contemporary, flashback to the 80s, what? I notice you mostly do more...what's the word? Genre fiction? Is this as straightforward as it seems or are we gonna get some weird worldbuilding with it? Also, this band. If nothing else, what's their style, the aesthetic, the sound like? What're the influences? Can you tell this is relevant to my interests, lol?
djgvbsfvbs this series is so relevant to every interest i’ve had, let me tell you. and it goes back! it goes back for several years, as one of my most indepth, revamped, revamped again, and brought back into the light of day wip’s. it’s not a secret project or anything like that, so you’re free to ask any questions about it you want! so, yeah, if there’s something specific you want to know, just hit me up!
the main idea is that the title is literal. A Life Out Of Order. the story is told in a non-linear fashion, though each chapter does stick to a main theme. the chapter’s are made up out of snippets of Skittles life, each vaguely connected by a theme or a trailing train of thought.
(the non-linear fashion might change because that, too, has been an on again/off again process)
i do mostly do genre fiction, but this one’s? it’s always been up in the air. originally, i had plans for it to just be a straight forward slice of life modern day setting. it’s technically a very long winded prequel to a story, and i have been toying with the idea of having some Big Weird Worldbuilding take place for that? ah, i’ll come back to that thought though!
first, the band! the name might give away their inspiration, honestly. it’s called Vipers ‘N’ Honey and it’s a hair metal/glam rock band! the inspiration behind it is Guns ‘N’ Roses and Skittles is actually very heavily inspired by Axel Rose!
the very basic idea for the band is this - Skittles is from a town (unnamed) in North Jersey. he’s got a twin (asher) and they have a super strange and somewhat rocky relationship. Skittles couch surfs for a while after being kicked out of his house. somewhere along the way, he gets down to Pensacola, Florida, where he takes up housing with Asher’s friend, Eric, and falls in with the band.
(putting this under a cut because it’s getting wordy, i’m so sorry; i actually wrote up this message twice because i felt like the first one was too all over the place)
a big part of the story stems from my fascination with the rise and fall of young singers, how prevalent of a culture drugs and addiction was during the eighties, and what it might have been like to be a young singer during that time frame.basically, the culture and the music and the aesthetic are awesome, so i wrote some stuff.
The concert is in full swing and Skittlesgrips the microphone like it’s a life line. In a way, it is. This band wassupposed to be his way out of Nowhere, New Jersey - it was supposed to be hisway out of a dead end town and away from dead beat parents - was going to turnhim into something more than trash. Instead it turned into family andSkittles should have known, right there at the start, that meant it would allcrash down around him.
that’s an excerpt from the starting chapter! the basic idea behind the story is that skittles gets kicked out of home when he’s young, couch surfs a lot, and eventually falls in with the guys from Vipers ‘N’ Honey. skittles looks older than he is, acts older than he is, and absolutely pretends to be older than he is to book a place in the band.
originally, they only bring skittles in because they need a front piece for magazines and the like. skittles has the sort of wild red hair and look that catches the eye, yeah? but then they realize that he’s actually great at singing and pretty damn good at playing the guitar, too.
and then the entire plot, especially at the start, is kind of the rise and the fall of Vipers ‘N’ Honey. the band is good. really good. and to skittles, they’re his first family. from a bad relationship to health problems, it’s the band that helps build skittles back up. for the first time in his life, he feels like he’s going somewhere, going to be someone - and then.
and then, because there’s always an and then.
and then the fame goes to their heads. not skittles, who so clearly remembers couch surfing, and being hungry, and counting out change made from playing guitar on the street corner for a dollar burger at quarter past midnight. but the other’s. as is so common for that industry and that age, drugs and alcohol start wearing at them. everything comes to head partway through the band’s first tour, and it’s the sort of trial that could push skittles back down to the bottom and keep him there.
(also you’ve made me want to write about them and talk about them more, so please ready yourself to get tagged in some character intro’s and the like over the next day or so!)
okay, and then you asked about weird worldbuilding!
so, the first “book” covers the rise and fall of Vipers ‘N’ Honey! then there’s a grace period where Skittles sort of just. wonders. the bus thing i wrote takes place in that period, actually!
and my vague idea is that, later in life, skittles ends up in another band! i originally had vague thoughts of it coming about because skittles (in an effort to get his life back on track) starts taking some community college classes and meets a few guys? two of whom he already knows (william and marcello) and the other two being strangers. skittles takes up drums at this point, because he Never wants to be in a band like VNH again.
now, like i said, i originally thought that it should just be a slice of life sort of thing? but now i’m thinking, uh, what if their was some sort of magic involved? like, with their music and stuff. hinted at during VNH and then more heavily focused on during the sequel story? but that idea is really, really new and really, really up in the air, haha.
thank you so much for letting me ramble at you about this! can you tell no one’s ever asked me much about it before, and that i dearly love the characters?
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Today my History teacher taught us an important lesson
So today I walk into my history class. My teacher then proceeds to tell us that he had to show a video to his first class and it had taken up the whole period so in order to keep all of his classes at the same pace he was giving his other periods an off day. However, he said that the previous class was too rowdy so he decided that we would play a game together instead. He asked for suggestions and eventually someone said Simon Says and he agreed.
He started off by giving us easy instructions like ‘put your hand on your head” or “jump once”. Some people messed up but he told them that they were still in.
Then he told us to all put our phones on top of the projector. We thought that it was a bit odd, but this teacher had been known to do odd things so we all went along with it. He then had us take out a pencil and paper and had the girls go to one side of the class and the boys on the other. He then told us to make eye contact with someone across the room. The girls were then supposed to write something mean about the person they were looking at on their paper and crumple it up and throw it at the boy. A lot of the girls didn’t want to be mean to the person, however they followed the instructions and wrote the mean comment and threw it at them.
He then had the boys write something nice about the girl they made eye contact with and present to the girl nicely. This of course made the girls feel bad but nobody apologized to the boys. After all, they were just doing it because we were playing Simon Says.
Next, all the boys had to get in a line from tallest to shortest. He then told all of them to sit down except for the four shortest boys. One of the boys was then instructed to put all the mean comments the girls wrote in the trash while another one was told to grab his backpack.
My teacher then had the four boys stand in the middle of the class and called up one of the girls. She was then instructed to dump the contents of the boy’s backpack on the ground, turn his backpack inside out, and then put his stuff back into backpack. The class was shocked, but my teacher said “Simon Says” and that’s the rule of the game so the girl followed what our teacher told he to do.
He then called up another person in the class and told one of the boys to take off their shoes and hand it to them. After that, he then instructed the person to completely unlace his shoes. The class was shocked yet again, but our teacher said “Simon says” so the shoes were unlaced.
Another kid was called up. This time, the kid who had picked up all of the trash earlier was instructed to sit in a desk that was in the middle of the class. The kid who had been called up was then instructed to take the trash can that the boy had filled earlier and dump it over the boys head. They followed the orders without question like the others and dumped it over him (luckily there was only paper in there.)
Finally, four other kids were called up. The last of the original four boys was told to stand at the front of the class and the four new people were told to form a line in front of him. My teacher then handed them some of the crumpled pieces of paper from earlier and told them to throw it at the boy with all their strength. The boy was then pelted with wadded up balls of paper and my teacher told us to all go and sit back down and that the game was over.
Now, we had all agreed that this was the strangest game of Simon Says any of had ever played and like I said, my teacher was known for doing crazy things. He then asked us why we did everything that he told us to do. We replied that it was part of the game and we didn’t want to get out. My teacher then pointed out that people who didn’t follow everything he said at the start didn’t get out. We did some pretty horrible things to each other for a game of “Simon Say” in a high school history class, but why?
You see, if he started out by having us dump trash cans onto kids, we probably would have said that doing that was wrong and not have done it. But by starting out small and gradually making what we were doing more and more wrong, it got us used to obeying what he told us to do to the point where he threw crumpled up balls of paper at a kid without hesitation. At any point, one of us could have said “hey that’s mean lets not do that” but we didn’t, we just kept going along with what he said. If he hadn’t had stopped the game, how far would we have gone? Would we have slapped a kid across the face all because “Simon says”? Or instead of writing a mean comment, say it directly to their face?
When you look at history and see things like the Holocaust, you can’t help but wonder how so many people were roped into doing such heinous acts against other people. But by starting off small and building a pattern of obedience, you can tell a person to kill someone and they’ll do it without hesitation. Would the Holocaust still have happened if people stopped and looked at what they were being told to do and said “no that’s wrong I’m not going to do that”?
This doesn’t free you from responsibility though. The person who emptied out a kid’s backpack is still responsible for emptying out his backpack, playing “Simon Says” doesn’t change the fact that it was a huge invasion of privacy. Even if they say you won’t be held responsible for what you do, you’re still responsible for your actions. No one decides what you do but yourself.
So the moral of the story is: don’t fall into a pattern of obedience and blindly do whatever someone tells you to do. You always have the choice to say no and even if you’re the only person saying it, sometimes you’re the person who inspires everyone else to say no as well.
#long post#I've got a lot more stories about my history teacher where that came from#history#social justice#feminism#social experiment#psychology
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RAPS + CRAFTS #3: Alaska
1. Introduce yourself. Past projects? Current projects?
Hi my name is Tim. I am a rapper. You might know me as Alaska, but chances are you do not know me at all. I have been making rap music since the mid-1990s. I was part of a collective called Atoms Family and a group within Atoms named Hangar 18. In 2004 Hangar 18 was signed to the Definitive Jux label. We dropped two albums. One which was good and one which was meh. After the label and group fell apart I started a weird career as a solo rapper who teams up with different producers to form different groups (Crack Epidemic, Words Hurt). The most recent group is named Cargo Cults which is myself and Zilla Rocca. We dropped Nihilist Millennial approx. one year ago. I am currently working on a few projects including the follow up to Nihilist Millennial.
2. Where do you write? Do you have a routine time you write? Do you discipline yourself, or just let the words come when they will? Do you typically write on a daily basis?
I am a husband and a father. I have a full-time job and I am currently enrolled in a Master’s program at NYU. I write whenever I have a spare moment. I usually write in the morning, it is when my mind is most clear and I can give the job the most attention. I have found that I am also the most creative at this time. I am usually writing with a project in mind. As I mentioned earlier I tend to work on projects with one producer. Usually they will give me a gang of beats. I will sit with them and start to write to them. I usually write 4-8 bars every morning. Which means I am usually writing a song a week. Typically I have an idea of what I want to say. I find that the words are always pouring out, but I end up throwing a lot of them out. At this point in my career I know when something is right. It is only at that point that I move on to the next line.
3. What’s your medium—pen and paper, laptop, on your phone? Or do you compose a verse in your head and keep it there until it’s time to record?
I write on my phone. Sometimes I will write in my head but it always ends up on the phone because I am old and my memory is shot.
4. Do you write in bars, or is it more disorganized than that?
I usually write in bars. Sometimes when I am just listening to music, cooking or doing something else a line will pop into my head and I will jot it down in my phone as something to use later. Most times those ideas get tossed.
5. How long into writing a verse or a song do you know it’s not working out the way you had in mind? Do you trash the material forever, or do you keep the discarded material to be reworked later?
It depends. I have scrapped entire albums before because they did not work. Usually it is anywhere from a half a verse to a half of a song. I usually take that material and put it into a running file of ideas to potentially reuse. However, if I do not reuse the idea by the time the album is done I throw them out. I have found that sometimes you have to just let it go. Once everything is precious you can get stuck.
6. Have you engaged with any other type of writing, whether presently or in the past? Fiction? Poetry? Playwriting? If so, how has that mode influenced your songwriting?
I used to write for a few music websites including one that I founded called SYFFAL (shut your fucking face and listen). I have also attempted to start a book on a few occasions detailing my career as a failed musician. I do not know if this helped my writing, but I find that the more I write the more ideas I have.
7. How much editing do you do after initially writing a verse/song? Do you labor over verses, working on them over a long period of time, or do you start and finish a piece in a quick burst?
I am editing throughout the entire process. By the time I get to the end of a song I usually have anywhere from 16 to 40 bars of material that did not make the song. This material ends up in the list I mentioned earlier. I tend to take whatever time is needed. Sometimes songs come together in a few hours, sometimes it takes a month to get through a verse. I view writing a song to be like working on a puzzle. You can force the wrong piece into a spot, but in the end the puzzle is not going to work. You just have to wait until you find the right piece. You know it when you find it. It clicks right in.
8. Do you write to a beat, or do you adjust and tweak lyrics to fit a beat?
When I am working on a project I write to beats. I want to make sure that the words and the flow match the soundscape. When I come up with random lines more often than not they are not written to a beat. If I end up incorporating it into a song I usually have to make edits so that it lands in the pocket.
9. What dictates the direction of your lyrics? Are you led by an idea or topic you have in mind beforehand? Is it stream-of-consciousness? Is what you come up with determined by the constraint of the rhymes?
I usually have ideas of what I want to discuss going into a project. Once the project starts I usually let the beat pick what the topic is going to be. A lot of what I am writing is just me trying to figure out the world around me or a reflection of the inputs. For example, with the Rammellzee song. There was an exhibit of his work at Red Bull Music like two summers ago, I used to go to it all the time on my lunch break. So spending all of that time around his work, and watching the videos of him discussing his philosophy about art is what inspired that song. I added a line at the end about being someone who dons the mask, meaning the mask of Rammellzee. I thought of this idea about doing art for the sake of purity of one’s soul, which is what I always felt Ram was doing and it is what I wanted to do. I would never put myself on the same level as a god like Ram, but at the same time I was writing this song, I was watching all of these Star Wars YouTube channels and there was an episode about this Boba Fett story line. The story followed his armor as it was sold from one person to the next. I liked that idea and how it connected with Rammellzee’s obsession with armor and wanted to incorporate it into the song.
10. Do you like to experiment with different forms and rhyme schemes, or do you keep your bars free and flexible?
I do enjoy it but I am not really concerned with it. I used to be obsessed with it, but I realized that was just to cover up the fact that I didn’t have much to say. I started looking at artists like Andre 3000, who can do all of the technical stuff better than everyone else, but he no longer needs to. He is more concerned with what he is saying and the ideas. He still drops some flex in here and there to remind you what he can do, but ultimately he is serving the song and the vision. That is how I approach it now as well. I am more interested in making a good song than I am in showing people how clever I am.
11. What’s a verse you’re particularly proud of, one where you met the vision for what you desire to do with your lyrics?
I really like “All Power to All People” from the Cargo Cults album. At the time when I wrote it there was so much chaos, it was shortly after Trump won, so the trolls and racist assholes were on full display and the resistance grift was at full force. There was a lot of blaming social media, free speech, and shutting down ideas. A lot of hand wringing about how it was the worst time in American history. I wanted to address those ideas head on because they are so wrong. I wanted to show how important maintaining these values is. I wanted to show all of the ways that the things that we were suddenly vilifying because they brought us temporary discomfort were essential to freedom and giving voice to the voiceless. I also wanted to examine how silencing ideas gives them more power. Moralists never seem to learn this. Once you let an asshole like Milo or Richard Spencer say what moronic bullshit they have to say they are exposed for the shithead idiots that they are. They become powerless. When you give them the power of your fear they win. They want the spectacle because the spectacle is all they have to offer. You do not defeat bad ideas by shutting them out, you defeat them by exposing them as bad ideas.
12. Can you pick a favorite bar of yours and describe the genesis of it?
There is a bar on the title track from the Words Hurt album Soul Music for the Soulless where I say “Watching stranger things and hanging upside down like Poppa Large”. It is a little line in a bigger song but it has been my favorite line for quite some time. I don’t really remember the origin of it, other than it has a few layers to it. Stranger Things has the mirror world called “the upside down” and in the video for the Ultramagnetic MCs song “Poppa Large,” Kool Keith spends a portion of the video hanging from his feet upside down. I don’t know why but it is still my favorite bar ever.
13. Do you feel strongly one way or another about punch-ins? Will you whittle a bar down in order to account for breath control, or are you comfortable punching-in so you don’t have to sacrifice any words?
I punch in all the time. I have zero issue with it as long as you can perform it when you get on stage and the punch is not obvious. We are trying to make the best song we can. If that means a punch, so be it.
14. What non-hiphop material do you turn to for inspiration? What non-music has influenced your work recently?
I don’t spend much time with hip hop in general these days. I actively avoid it because I am writing so much. I find that when I am writing and listening I subconsciously bite what I am listening to. I tend to mostly listen to Jazz and podcasts. When I am seeking inspiration I will usually read.
15. Writers are often saddled with self-doubt. Do you struggle to like your own shit, or does it all sound dope to you?
I used to when I was trying to impress others. After the second Hangar 18 album which was meh, I made a promise to myself to a. Only make music for myself, I don’t care if anyone else likes it as long as I do, and b. To only make music if I have something I want to say or if it is fun. From that point on I have had zero self-doubt because I was making exactly what I wanted to make and doing exactly what I wanted to do. There is a passage in this Carlos Castaneda book talking about self-doubt and how it is a self created and a construct of our ego. I think when you go into something without ego, even if it fails to achieve what you hoped, you can accept it for what it is and that allows you to be present and enjoy what you are doing.
16. Who’s a rapper you listen to with such a distinguishable style that you need to resist the urge to imitate them?
Shit, so many. Woods, Castro, Zilla, Alex Ludavico, Theravada, Blueprint, Moses Rockwell, it goes on and on. It is why I don’t listen to rap that much anymore. I mean I check it when it drops but I no longer obsess over it because too often it leaks into whatever I am working on.
17. Do you have an agenda as an artist? Are there overarching concerns you want to communicate to the listener?
Outside of making myself happy there is no agenda or concern.
RAPS + CRAFTS is a series of questions posed to rappers about their craft and process. It is designed to give respect and credit to their engagement with the art of songwriting. The format is inspired, in part, by Rob McLennan’s 12 or 20 interview series.
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What sort of man is Gerhman for you? (Same question as with Maria)
He is a handsome piece of trash and I love him. THE END.
Oh, if only things were that simple! :P I will try not to turn this post into the ramblings of a shameless fangirl but I promise you nothing.
What I want to clarify right here at the start is that Gehrman is, overall, a good man. Yes, he is flawed, yes he is a closet pervert and yes he never really felt guilty for the slaughter of Fishing Hamlet. But all of this is what makes him the more human and relatable character in the Soulsborne series in my opinion and what intrigued me in the first place.
So, lemme give you some juicy and 100% fanmade backstory for this bad boi :P
Gehrman’s character and personality are definitely the results of his upbringing. Born frail and sensitive, he was forced into martial training since a young age and denied to pursue what was probably his true calling in life, that of the artisan. He had to ‘grow up fast’ to help to sustain his family (Gehrman’s childhood/teenage years follow the disastrous conclusion of a war between Carim and a foreign nation) and because of that he never got the chance to assiduously attend school. When he got hired at Byrgenwerth as a handyman at the age of 16, he could barely read and write. This poorly paid job was for Gehrman a pivotal turning point, because it allowed him to escape the clutches of his overly strict father and gain access to a world of higher-cultured people such as the students and personnel of the college.
And as time went on and Gehrman proved himself a skilled and hard-working lad, he forged a long-lasting friendship with the college’s gatekeeper/janitor Edmund and the sinister but caring scholar Dores. These two, are easily the most influential people in his life beside Master Willem. Dores and Edmund encouraged him to get back to study, lending him books and laboratory equipment so that he could put his -rusty, but brilliant- skills at use in his free time and asked Master Willem to grant him the permission to attend lessons alongside the students. Finally able to express himself without neglecting the martial training he got from his father, Gehrman quickly became essential to Byrgenwerth as a whole, serving both as a groundskeeper (and trust me, you need someone like that when your college is located in the middle of a damn forest!) and custodian. Everything that ever mattered to him, everything good that ever happened to him and that gave Gehrman some sense of pride or accomplishment was tied to Byrgenwerth and to the benevolence of Master Willem who provided him a place where to stay in exchange for his services. No wonder the soon-to-be First Hunter would become fiercely loyal to the Byrgenwerth’s cause to the point of self-detriment.
When the scholars unlocked the entrance to the Tomb of the Gods and faced the horrors of the Labyrinths for the very first time, Gehrman was right in the front line, clueless an unprepared. That first ‘hunt’, that resulted in dozens of students getting killed and our ‘hero’ crippled and scarred for life, was an experience so horrifying and traumatizing that most people would’ve just called it quits “Fuck the college, I’m outta here, I don’t get paid enough for getting my face eat by giant undead werewolves”-style. But Gehrman, somehow, probably out of fear of losing everything he ever cared about now that Willem considered him useless because of his injury, endured. He swore to himself he would find a way to fight the beasts and vanquish them and as his leg healed after the amputation he spent months researching and tinkering with weapons at his (at the time, quite small and disorganized) worktable. During that time, Willem hired several groups of mercenaries hoping that they would be able to clear at least the first floor of the Chalice but obtained no concrete results. Still bound to his wheelchair, Gehrman observed their equipment and strategies, trying to grasp what those experienced warriors were doing wrong and what he himself would do wrong in following his father’s teachings. Once able to stand on his two legs once again, Gehrman asked the captain of the mercenaries to listen to him, offering some advice and explaining what he had learned from the Pthumerian texts Dores was able to translate. The mercenary scoffed him at first, but then decided to listen to what the young man had to say and asked him for a demonstration. Impressed by the rudimental but quite efficient trick weapon (Gehrman’s first creation was the Saif, in my headcanons. Not the Burial Blade) the captain allowed Gehrman to train with his men and share his knowledge and tricks with them. The next expedition in the Chalices would be their biggest success so far and that very night Gehrman would come back to the college with a wide smile on his blood-smeared face and the severed head of a Scourge Beast as a trophy. He was 24 years old :3
But the real story begins almost 20 years later. 20 years that Gehrman spent devoting himself to the Hunt completely, perfecting his techniques, forging new weapons and taking the place of the captain of the mercenaries becoming, in fact, the Hunter Chief of the group, now composed of more than thirty members, all students of his. He came from nothing and crawled his way up to the top, taking pride in his accomplishments despite the fact that he had to put aside everything else, including his private life (which had been quite depressing and lonely since his childhood friend, Therese, married someone else) and with the constant awareness that everything he has is still just a kind concession of Master Willem and that he could lose everything in the blink of an eye. His workshop, his money, even his comfy studio filled with mechanical creations, everything belongs to Byrgenwerth.
Even now, as a grown-ass man with a reputation and devoted students of his own, Gehrman is still very much the same insecure boy he was when he joined Byrgenwerth. He still holds a grudge towards his father (it’s a mutual thing) is a walking disaster around women, is very dependable on Dores and Edmund and never questions Master Willem’s orders, not even the more despicable ones. And trust me, Willem often asked him, Dores and Edmund to do things that are, to put it simply, quite fucked up. For science, of course.
Overall, Gehrman means well. He does his best, tries to be impartial when it comes to his students and genuinely cares about their safety and well-being. He has seen many of them die in the course of his career and always blamed himself for their demise. Even if they signed up a contract knowing what they were getting into, that doesn’t make the departure of a colleague or friend any less painful for him, reason why he takes upon himself the responsibility of finishing off his students on the battlefield if there’s nothing that can be done for them. He is a really demanding teacher (which reminds him of how his father used to treat him and Gehrman kinda hates himself because of that. Yep, he definitely has daddy issues) and someone who wouldn’t hesitate to kick you out if you don’t behave, but he would do this only because he doesn’t want to see you dead.
Surprisingly, all the above also applies to Maria. No matter how much into her he is, during training, he never treated her differently than his other students. Never went easy on her because of her higher social status or the simple fact that she is a woman. (I mean, Gratia, Izzy and Henriett are women as well and they know that Gehrman doesn’t give a damn and they are glad he doesn’t.)
Speaking of which, it’s time to make this post even longer and spend a few words on Gehrman’s mania. He immediately found Maria extremely attractive since their very first encounter, and in a genuinely perverted way at that. He immediately had his mind filled with all sort of naughty thoughts while his reasonable side was there to remind him to “keep dreaming bro, that ain’t going to happen”. And at first, he was kinda okay with that. No matter how beautiful she was, Maria was a real pain in the ass at first and not someone Gehrman would’ve wanted to form any sort of relationship with. So his thoughts were, for quite some time, just thoughts. And not even particularly intrusive ones. But as time went by, the more he got to know Maria the more he realized that she was literally everything he ever looked for in a woman. That was the moment the whole drama began because at that point he became afraid of what Maria would’ve thought of him if she ever found out about his infatuation with her.
That is the point in the story when he began to hide, lie and avoid her while still dying to see her. This part is my favorite because Gehrman is very conflicted and does a bunch of dumb shit in pure cheesy Period Drama style. The worst thing he does is probably idealizing Maria beyond belief, putting her on a pedestal where no one (not even himself) can touch her while gloating about the idea that he is the one responsible for her talent. Which is relatively true, but doesn’t excuse the ‘ownership’ he claims over her skills. On a good note, he is very aware of how twisted his feelings have become and feels guilty about it, reason why he acts cold and distant towards Maria. A behavior that doesn’t fit with that of the other hunters who are now friendly and well-disposed towards her at this point in the story.
His internal turmoil is the reason why I do find Maria’s reaction to his extorted confession absolutely brilliant (props to Daisy who wrote it
Now, I could keep on rambling about these two for hours and about how the Old Blood and its effects on them (and the setting) affected the story but this post is already TOO long XD
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