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male-hedonism-and-acting-cool · 3 months

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so i saw you have headcanons on ur page, so i prompt you for more, unload all ur cattonquick headcanons can be nsft go wild mate

sorry it took me so long but here are almost 2k words of my cattonquick headcanons

Felix

dyslexia/adhd combo. has no idea until like late 20s/early 30s. gets medicated, and it changes his entire life (he even gets some kind of rich boy job)

but during oxford he's just struggling and insufferable. Oliver has to do some of his assignments for him (not often. usually when Felix forgets about them entirely and doesn't find someone to pay for doing them)

had chlamydia. do I really need to explain this one? boy fucks around a lot

wants to get his nipples pierced

likes horror stories and spooky urban legends and stuff but also gets scared shitless by them

he was around 10 when his dog died. was literally heartbroken, didn't eat for like a weak. swore to never have a pet again

once during boarding school procrastinated all of his works for the last moment drank five redbulls was awake for 43 hours to finish everything and went to two finals. slept for two days straight woke up with no memory of doing any of this and didn't have a caffeinated drink again for a couple of years (he still barely passed if you care)

has super boring stories about drunk nights out (because he's rich and popular, so there's always something looking after him). but he thinks they are crazy

turns into crazy people pleaser if you as much as hint that you don't like him

Oliver

autistic

thinks he's great at masking (he does know it's masking because he's also not diagnosed but he's highly aware that he performs different versions of himself for people and believes it's him being an evil genius or something)

is actually shit at masking. he can put his shit together and act a certain way for some time (like he did with other Cattons). but most of the time he's a little freak type of guy, and everyone notices

he also won’t talk to anyone unless he absolutely needs to (he almost failed a class because he needed to do a group project but didn’t like the group he was assigned to, so he tried to email “sorry to miss our group meeting but here’s my part of the work” his way out of talking to any them)

since they spend almost all the time together, Felix knows him in his closest to not masking state

I think his dad does have drinking problems, but he's more like a functional alcoholic so no one cares

likes reading long books. like 600+ pages long. they provide him with a sense of stability

I know he doesn't look like it, but he did have friends at school. mostly children of his parent's friends or people from his classes. he doesn't keep in touch with any of them, and it's his decision (he misses them sometimes, but it's more like he misses the idea of having friends than actual people)

started using contact lenses because Felix would always mention how he likes the color of his eyes

really picky about food and would rather starve than eat something he doesn't like. skips meals at oxford all the time if eggs at the dining hall are cooked in the wrong way or something like this

tries to quit smoking at some point later in life but decides it's not worth it with all the passive smoking from living with Felix

talks in his sleep. not much and not often, but still

becomes a writer and write really fucked up stories with dark academia vibes (partially because he turned into a fucking gremlin when he discovered academic validation and never let it go + partially as a love letter to Felix, his uni sweetheart who, let's be honest, kinda peaked at uni)

gets close with his second sister when she grows older (she and the youngest one have a similar age difference to Oliver and the oldest sisters, and their parents treated them similarly. so they bond over being ignored and forced into taking care of their younger siblings) parents treated them similarly. so they bond over being ignored and forced into taking care of their younger siblings)

cattonquick

Felix is one year older than most people in his class. because he took a gap year after school to "experience life" (get drunk in nine different European countries) and "get to know himself" (receive a couple of mediocre hand-jobs from other rich boys and make some conclusions about his sexuality). he would've been one year Oliver's senior but when Oliver was five he had severe pneumonia and was too weak to start school (like a fucking victorian child). so he started a year later and they are the same age

they do awful couple Halloween costumes (there are also people dressing as them for Halloween as couple costumes, that’s how annoying they are)

they are "facebook official" if you care (it was a big deal for possessive mentally unstable people back then, trust me, my favorite movie is the social network)

Felix has insane separation anxiety (like those dogs on tiktok that grew up during covid with their owners always around)

he would sit in Oliver's laps at parties, play with Oliver's clothes or hair while he's doing his work, ask Oliver to join him in the shower because I need to wash my hair so it's gonna be a long shower and I'll miss you and then you'll go to the shower and I'll miss you even more

but once in a while he gets angry because he feels "too needy" so he ignores Oliver for the whole day or asks him to leave if they are together

then (you guessed it) he starts missing Oliver

at first, Oliver was freaking out every time this happened, but over time he figured out to just give Felix some time and come back later. it still hurts him though that Felix believes he can just send him away whenever he's tired of him

after days like this Felix does everything to show that he loves Oliver and wants him around. he cuddles him more, takes him to a bar or to one of their special places, buys him something (he keeps track of everything Oliver mentions he likes by texting Farleigh. Farleigh fucking hates it)

but still the best way to show Oliver that he won't suddenly get bored of him once and for all one day is to stop doing shit like this. and Felix fails to do it. so they pretend it never happened until it happens again

Oliver always pulls Felix for a kiss by the collar or by his hair. he never stands on his toes

they did acid together once. Felix was sure Oliver would love it but Oliver had an awful trip full of maze imagery and never tried psychedelics again

for their first vacation together, they go to France (mostly because Felix doesn't really care for traveling, and he knows that Paris is the city of love or whatever). there're huge protests the second day they arrived. so they only go to Louvre and spend the whole two weeks in their hotel room

after Oliver and Felix date for a while and it's clear that Oliver isn't going anywhere Oliver and Farleigh start to develop some love/hate friendship. they mostly hang out together, talk shit about everyone (including each other), and discuss poetry

Felix is insanely jealous. Farleigh is offended Felix thought he would be into Oliver. Oliver finds it hilarious (he doesn't think it's hot because he already knows how possessive Felix is, which is hot, but this makes Felix nervous so Oliver isn't into it)

Oliver bites. not only during sex but in general. they can sit holding hands and talk and he will just bite Felix's hand and continue talking like nothing happened. because Felix is a little spoon, he will often wake up from Oliver biting into the back of his neck and have a mark for the entire day. Felix gets used to it surprisingly easily (and by gets used to it I mean he finds it unearthly hot, touches marks that Oliver leaves on him all the time and seriously thinks about getting a tattoo of Oliver’s bite marks)

and yes he does call Oliver a vampire

Oliver has a couple of slightly worn t-shirts three sizes bigger for Felix to borrow (when they start living together a couple slowly turns into a whole drawer)

they never really lived in saltburn together. but they went here for summer

when they start living together (right after oxford they move into a two-story apartment) Oliver insists they both should have an office as some personal space, mostly because he needs to get his work done. Oliver’s office is very old-fashioned, with dark wooden furniture and tall bookshelves. he also gets a reproduction of the Saltburn maze game. Felix doesn’t know what to put in his office because he doesn’t need a fucking office. his only idea is to commission a portrait of Oliver, so for a couple of years (until he gets medicated and finds a rich boy job) his office has blank walls, a portrait of his boyfriend with a desk and a single chair across from it and nothing else. he ends up spending most of the time Oliver works on the couch at Oliver’s office anyway

Oliver has a lock of Felix's hair in a locket. very 18th century gothic poet style (Felix knows about it btw. it was an anniversary gift)

Felix introduces Oliver as boyfriend, then fiancé, and then husband. Oliver always introduces Felix as his life partner

they get married after six years together

Felix is the one to propose (he waited for Oliver to do it, but Farleigh once told Oliver that he would look like a desperate social climber if he proposes and Oliver internalized it immediately)

Oliver writes Felix love letters even after they’ve been together for years. full of admiration for small daily things Felix does, about how godly is even the way Felix brush his teeth; about small nice things that happened to him because there’s no one in the world he would rather share it with (much like Nabokov’s Letters to Vera)

Oliver doesn't believe in soulmates, and Felix claims to be personally victimized by it. but Oliver just loves to see it as a result of hard work they put into it. he doesn't think they were simply destined to be together, he believes it's years and years of them choosing to be together, choosing each other when there were so many easier options

as for nsfw

I don't think they have sex with penetration often

like Felix has oral fixation, and Oliver just prefers doing things with his hands or mouth

Felix is really voyeuristic and huge part of their sex life is just Felix putting up a show for Oliver and Oliver watching

Felix likes to do cookwarming (oral fixation + it grounds him and his adhd brain)

Oliver is really a service dom whatever Felix wants Oliver will find a way to do it

but his personal favorite is rimming Felix until he's all wet and finish him by sucking him off and fingerings him at the same time

#cattonquick #felix catton #oliver quick #saltburn #english is not my first language #I really treat this movie like a cute little romance

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moonlight-tmd · 4 months

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Prowlbee with them and the team learning what ADHD is. And it's some human that finally diagnoses Bee with it. Knowing how Cybertron is, they likely don't have proper neurodivergant care if at all

Bee and Sari thought of a fun idea for an activity to pass their time since the tv was broken- quizzes.

It started innocent with quizzes about how much do you know about a certain game, then it went to magic and spirit animals- that's when Prowl decided to join in. And so now all 3 of them were sitting on the couch with their techpads/phones answering quizzes about personality types and similar.

Bee was the first to break the enlonged silence. "Hey uh- Sari? What is ADHD? I just got that on the quizz." Sari looked up from her phone and looked at Bee's datapad- he had a different quiz than her, maybe because he was keen on finishing his the fastest and finding some other ones for them to try.

"Uh i think it's when your brain can't focus on one thing for long. It's like, you can't sit still and you wanna do so much stuff but also can't - and you have those vivid ideas when doing certain stuff,.. at least from what I heard." Sari explained, she wasn't a medic and didn't have it diagnosed herself so obviously she didn't know much.

That however was enough to get Ratchet's attention, the old medic was fixing said tv not far away from the group. He listened to the whole conversations and walked over to Bee. "Show me that techpad."

"Uh- sure?" Bee didn't know whether to be confused or concerned.

"So what's up? Does Bee have ADHD?" Sari asked as Ratched read the article that popped up along with the quiz result.

"Obviously no, that's not a thing on Cybertron!" Bee was so confident, there was nothing wrong with him at all- "No, you do."

Bee only blinked when Ratchet anwered. "What."

"On Cybertron, certain personality traits and glitches are most often not taken as anything more than said personality traits and glitches. Many disorders are not registered in Cybertron's health database. From the medical archives on Earth I can see humans came to a conclusion of the importance of them needed to be catalogued." Ratchet explained calmly before he handed back Bee the techpad. "Your behavior is one big stamp confirming this, you have ADHD."

Bee just stared off to some wall. Huh, so that's why he's like this?

He didn't get to ponder in awkward silence for too long before Prowl spoke up, he was doing his own quiz while listening to what just happened here.

"Hey Sari-" He looked up from his own techpad with an undeadable expression. "What does "autistic" mean?"

So yeh, those two learned something new. And neither of them have any idea how to deal with it. XD

I had this idea for a while now, so glad i could finally write it.

I think Ratchet would prescribe him some calming meds for it that Bee of course forgets to take often. He only remembers they exist in his drawer when he's all over the place and it's miserable to do anything.

Prowl- idk what about Prowl, Prowl is just Prowl. There ain't much trouble with him.

#maccadam #tfa #ask box #tfa bumblebee #tfa prowl #prowlbee #tfa headcanons #tfa shenanigans

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actuallyadhd · 6 months

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Hi! Do you have any resources about ADHD and OCD? I was diagnosed with ADHD many years ago and have been on meds for a while that have made a significant positive difference in my life, but recently (aka over the past year) have been wondering if there’s something else going on too. Many of the things I’m noticing and starting to put in context from much earlier in my life don’t seem to line up well with ADHD by themselves, though I do definitely have ADHD. However when I’ve tried to research the overlap between the two, I find a lot of conflicting information (everything from people saying “it’s impossible to have both” or “it’s very common to have both”). If you have anything that could point me in the right direction I’d appreciate it, I know there’s a chance this could be OCD-like symptoms as a result of ADHD, and I want to figure out the best way to approach handling them.

Sent November 7, 2023

I actually used to know someone who had both, and I was well on my way to something related when I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. I haven't looked into it recently, so this was an interesting question to look into. Thank you for that!

First stop was PubMed, which is a catalogue of journal articles in a variety of fields including medicine and psychology. There were a number of results, but the one that looked most interesting was "A prospective investigation of impacts of comorbid attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) on clinical features and long-term treatment response in adult patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)". It's a really short paper, which sucks, but the takeaways are that if you have ADHD and OCD, the OCD probably started earlier than usual and is probably also more severe. Basically, ADHD makes OCD worse.

After that, I went over to ADDitude because it's a good place to get information that isn't all science-y and hard to parse. Lots of results but the first three that I thought might be most helpful for you are these:

Could I Have OCD? Unpacking Symptoms

OCD and ADHD: The Polar Opposites That Are Not

When OCD and ADHD Coexist: Symptom Presentation, Diagnosis, and Treatment

Followers, do any of you have both ADHD and OCD? Which was diagnosed first, and how do you find treatment is going?

Also, just in general, is it helpful for people when I describe how I found the information I share in these posts? Like, is it helpful for me to give you the places I looked and how I did it?

-J

#adhd #actually adhd #asks #anonymous #comorbid conditions #ocd

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erismourn · 2 months

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watching the james somerton apology video so you don't have to. this isn't entirely comprehensive, just a summary, if you want the nuance of his exact wording please just go watch the video

opens by saying he's monetizing the video to donate the money to hbomb's team so they can distribute it to the harmed individuals, and if hbomb's team don't accept he'll be making monthly donos to wikipedia and trans lifeline going forward

talkign about how he's a bad representative of "the queer community" as a cis white gay man

he's reached out to as many people he harmed as he can, some haven't responded but others have been incredibly kind

he's extending a specific apology to Jessie Gender - he wants to be clear that he didn't report Jessie to the police, as is the common understanding, but a fan of Jessie's who sent him a death threat

wanted his channel to be "welcoming to every queer person" which is impossible - he says he should have made voices that aren't his more accessible, but he didn't

blaming the algorithm for his popularity over queer creators of colour, disabled queers, etc

he thought that crediting people in the opening credits of videos was enough, but he admits he was wrong - people should have been properly cited (personal note: come on man you went to business school. you know how citations work.)

he has obtained permission for use of sources in the past, but "most of the sources" he didn't get permission for

brought Nick on with the idea that Nick would write most of the scripts and James would voice them

james had to put out more videos to make more money because he was let go from work during covid and was also dealing with other stuff so he had to take on more of the writing (and we all know how that went)

[sic] "my intention was to use [giant blocks of text i pasted into the script] as a jumping off point that we would elaborate on when we did table reads but *I have memory issues as a result of a head injury I got as a child*"

the head injury is real, he has epilepsy as a result. I want to be clear here that we need to respect James' disabilities, regardless of how much of a plagiarist he is. however as someone with memory problems I don't buy that it caused him to entirely forget to cite sources over many, many hours of work that he did to churn out these videos.

"when it came to editing the scripts, I couldn't remember what I had written and what I had copy-pasted"

blames his unwillingness to take account of those issues by for example writing notes in the script so future james would know he copypasted them on recently diagnosed ADHD

he had to take on a bunch of additional responsibilities when his mom passed away because his father is illiterate and can't do the legal stuff you have to do when someone dies

Telos grew out of his need to crowdfund after his mom died because RBC's insurance policy was weird (and dunks on RBC which i agree with. fuck all canadian banks)

Telos was supposed to start small but the success of the campaign gave them bigger dreams for their films

he describes the plot of hsi final girl movie and then says "to those who say I plagiarized final girl by grady hendrix, read the book. it's nothing like the plot of the movie." talks about how "final girl" is a trope and if using a trope was plagiarism, then every slasher movie since texas chainsaw would be plagiarism. fair, but i'm suspicious.

talks about the details of having to move to ontario for better opportunities

realized that making movies is a lot more expensive than he originally thought and thus had to make more movie ideas (?? not sure about the logic here but ok)

James and Nick were both involved in writing scripts n stuff

"the intention was never, EVER, to take the [telos] money and run"

James regrets moving to Ontario

James is working with a producer now and is actually making something from Telos - he will make no money from this project

"I am not nor did I ever intend to be paid money from Telos"

stresses again that he and Nick needed to crunch to make videos to make more money and get more sponsors

describes his apology in december as "horrendous"

begins detailing his suicidality

people found James' address, he claims people showed up at his house while he was hospitalized for suicidality (I want to be clear: this is fucked, the people who did this should be shamed)

he's reactivated some videos on his channel that "dont' have plagiarized content" and has done some heavy editing on other videos so they only contain original content and revenue will be going to either Hbomb's team or the charities mentioned above

he's going to be releasing a new video written by him with cited sources

he has no sponsors now

"we didn't intend to have misinformation in past videos" - it was never malicious

he won't be relaunching his patreon but starting a new patreon account if people want to support him

hes going to "work his ass off" to earn people's trust again

"there is no excuse for what I did"

reiterates that he thought putting names in opening credits was fine

"I thought it was ok to [plagiarize vito russo] because the book was out of print and he had passed away"

he wants to make a documentary video about vito russo

"I want to do the work. I want to prove not just to you, but to myself, that I can do the work"

"I can't get across how sorry I am"

#mads.txt #absolutely bonkers.#im glad he's apologetic but dude. you didn't plagiarizepeople bc you have a brain injury

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dank-meme-legend · 3 months

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I Ran Home That Day ♾️

I ran home that day

Sprinted so quickly down the road to finally have an answer

To know why I cause so many problems and why I’m the epitome of, “weird”

A warm day in the middle of May, it was

And my mom stood on the porch, waiting for me

I was grinning, I still don’t know why

I was excited as if I were about to be given a gift or a new toy to play with

My mom’s words came out calmly, a little apprehensively, though

Like she didn’t want to say them out loud

But she did

“Morgan, you have Asperger’s, with the ADHD.”

She couldn’t say, “autism”

Because that word

Was big

And heavy

It had so many connotations

But I was eleven years old

I didn’t know any better

We went inside and I put my backpack away

And cried

Somewhere between relief and fear

What did that mean for me now? For the future? What now, what now?

Relief shined through, though

I had been carrying fear within me that there wasn’t anything diagnosable

My worst fear, that I was just a bad kid

But I wasn’t

I was put into a world that wasn’t made for me

And I dealt with it the best way I could; through tics and fidgets and never shutting up and loving things intently

And I cried

My mom hadn’t hugged me that tight in my entire life

I had to get my sister off the bus

She was the first person I told

She didn’t know what it meant, but ass-burgers was funny to her

She didn’t know any better, either

That night, I had a choir concert for my school

I wore my chorus shirt with black sweatpants

Because I couldn’t stand denim

I stood in the warm-up room off to the side by myself

Knowing something that no one else did

Could they see it now? Did they know before I did?

A few girls from my class came up to me

“Why are you wearing sweatpants?”

But my face had to have shown something— worry, embarrassment, confusion, something— because the girls changed course

“It’s okay, you’re lucky. I wish my mom let me wear sweatpants all the time.”

They didn’t know the battle that went on about that at home; and with brushing my teeth; with showering; with learning how to shave; with talking too much; with not talking at all when stressed; with, with, with

But I wasn’t going to tell them

Less I need another thing to stick a target to my back: Morgan has family issues and is autistic, too

I don’t remember the singing part of the chorus concert

Though, I do remember the song, “Three Quotes” inspired by the works of Mark Twain

One part of the song had all of us kids yell on stage: “Rude, rambunctious crescendo” is what I remember the choir teacher telling us in the rehearsal days we had prior

The days where I sang loud to not think, “What if I’m a bad kid, what if I’m a bad kid? What then, what then?”

And blared music until my ears rang to not think, “What happens then? What will I do if I’m just a bad kid?”

During the crescendo, I went mute

The ringing in my ears and the thoughts in my head were so loud that I believed I was saying them out loud

So loud in my head

I’m autistic, I am on the spectrum, I don’t know what that means

I wanted to go home

Sit in the dark

But I had more songs to smile and dance and off-key sing to

When it was over, I ran to my mom

And hugged her tight

A friend of mine came up to me

Smiling, happy to see me, wanting to tell me I did a good job, even when I really didn’t

She was the second person I told

I don’t know why I brought it up

She had been my friend since the first grade

So I trusted her

“I’m autistic.”

“Oh.”

That’s all she said

Social deficit, I’d made a social misstep

But we pushed on

She hugged me and took a picture with me thanks to both our mom’s insistence

I still have that picture now

Tired eyes, my crooked smile

A forced, crooked smile

But a smile nonetheless

I went home and my mom told me to be comfortable

To relax

I went right to my room, mind racing, to my computer to research

And research

And research some more

My eyes were going wonky

So tired

But I had to know and had to educate myself and had to learn what such a heavy word meant

I went to sleep late that night

Definitely not relaxed

And faced the morning

And faced the day

I pulled my favorite teacher aside and told her

“I have Asperger’s.”

“I have nephews with it. Don’t worry, you’re still a smart girl.”

She hugged me, too

I never said I wasn’t smart

One student overheard

And told another

Then another

And it spread like a wildfire

People knew when I didn’t want them to

I was questioned

If I was bullied for just showing autistic traits, then what do you think happened when people learned that they were right?

Called the r-word in the hallway

Picked last in gym class

Avoided like the plague

How was I supposed to be proud

Of something that made things worse for a long, long time?

I denied all accusations

“I’m not autistic. What are you talking about?”

And went on with my life

I told my best friend

“I’m autistic.”

“That’s okay, your mind is just a little funky. But everyone’s mind is their own kind of funky.”

She was kind to me

I entered high school and met more kids with it

Kids who could say that they were autistic

Proudly

Incredible

I watched them

And wanted to be proud

It got written on my student record

My new choir teacher embraced it fully

She was kind to me

I ran to her class every day

And got picked on for being a kiss-ass

But I slowly didn’t care

There are people who can be kind

The teasing and bullying and cruelty won’t matter in the long run

Though its wounds still stay with me

I stuck with kind people

I ran to them

Ran down to hall to see my friends

Who were all weird and queer and different

But I loved them all

They kept me safe

Kind people kept me safe

I ran to them

Held them close to me

Grew up beside the other weirdos

And didn’t feel alone

Didn’t feel heavy

Wasn’t avoided

Found peace in people like me

Told more people

Found pride

Found pride for the first time

And ran toward better days where I grew up and allowed myself to rest

To take it easy

To find people like me and to love them

To love them

To love me

And to love big, heavy words

And to fly free

And run towards light

#a poem/writing thing about the day I got my diagnosis #and the times that followed it #autism #actually autistic #actually audhd #neurodivergent

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coexistentialism · 3 months

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Genuine question out of curiosity and I totally understand if you aren't comfortable answering it, but I was just wondering what led you to get assessed for DID?

I don't want to be nosy or rude or anything! I just see you mention a lot of things around feeling like you're basically all "you" rather than seeing one another as separate parts and stuff like that, and got curious because it seems like that's a presentation that would be less likely to get easily noticed by a therapist and/or prompt the person to seek an assessment.

I don't mind answering :P

So context for my life, brief CSA mention, when I was 14-years-old, I told my family about the fact that my brother was sexually abusing me, and that led me to moving in with my mom all through high school.

I'm pretty sure I just, like. Forgot, I guess, how much worse my dad is over my mom, but I ended up moving back in with my dad after graduating when I was 18.

From 18-20/21, I started realizing many things about myself; that I'm autistic, that I probably have ADHD, and that I have experienced a lot of abuse and trauma for essentially my whole life.

I have a friend who I knew had DID (I'm still friends with him, you know who you are JMSKDKND) and we have technically been friends since I was like 17 maybe, but we never talked much and weren't that close. But I knew she had DID and I don't know for sure if these were actually amnesia due to alters or not, but I woke up on different occasions to see that my phone was left open on random things. I don't mean "woke up" as in I thought I just went unconscious, I mean that I LITERALLY just. Fell asleep at nighttime and when I woke up the next morning, random stuff was left open on my phone. I didn't experience it as "passing out and then waking up" or anything.

One time it was just open on an college essay I wrote, another time it was left open on a.. Random Reddit news story about legalizing weed or some shit? I genuinely don't know if those incidences were from alters fronting while I thought I was asleep or what. It's just weird because I can't imagine any alters just.. Fronting and reading our college essay and a random Reddit news story?? I have no idea. But my phone requires a pass code to unlock, so it couldn't have just been me somehow accidentally opened up random apps in my sleep.

And because of my friend, and because I knew that DID was caused by childhood trauma, I also found out (I don't know where or how, this wasn't something I knew off the bat) that DID isn't all that rare or anything, so because of my realizations and knowing my friend with DID, I ended up wondering if I could have DID.

I didn't take it all that seriously, I was convinced that it was too much of a "jump" to question DID, that it was obvious I didn't have it and it was ridiculous and a joke that I ever questioned it. And didn't tell anyone, but eventually did of course and then years upon years of researching, questioning, excruciating denial, not understanding how alters and switching works, so on and so forth, I finally got diagnosed in Nov. 2022.

I think that, had I not known about my friend with DID, I still would have eventually started to question DID because I think I would've come across DID discussions SOMEWHERE on Tumblr and then started questioning further. I just probably would've found out much, much later.

And if I didn't use Tumblr, I probably would've just never even questioned or known or even got diagnosed at all. Just because I feel like system spaces are pretty big in the spaces that I also frequent on Tumblr, and I don't use other social media platforms, but I can't imagine systems spring up as often on those, even TikTok. But then again, I don't know lol.

There are probably other details that I've forgotten for sure lol. If you wanna ask more specific questions, I don't mind answering :P

#my posts #Inbox

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axolozzy · 1 month

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vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

#vent

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iamashippinggod · 9 months

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So Tell Me, Was It You, Or Me, Or Something in Between Us?

Part four of my mini-fic series is here! @julybreakbingo

Bingo Prompt: Break Up Fandom: My Hero Academia Ships: Jirou Kyouka/Kaminari Denki (centric), Kaminari Denki/Shinsou Hitoshi, Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi Content Warning: Explicit Language, Jealousy, Miscommunication, Breaking Up (crying toward the end) Tags: Shinsou Hitoshi is an Insomniac, Adopted Shinsou Hitoshi, Adopted Eri, Married Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi, Class 1-A, Established Relationships, Shinsou Hitoshi replaces Mineta Minoru, Shinsou Hitoshi has Social Anxiety, Kaminari Denki has ADHD, Pansexual Kaminari Denki, Bisexual Jirou Kyouka, Gay Shinsou Hitoshi, Break Ups, Kaminari Denki Centric, Jealously, Miscommunication. Side Note: Final post for JBB, but I did promise myself that I would finish my bingo card even if it's after the month has ended. This is cross-platformed on AO3, I hope you all enjoy. P.S: I would like to give a shout out to @mrs-steve-harrington on tumblr, she doesn't watch MHA and still read this over for me cause I was having trouble with working on this chapter. Thank you again for helping me out <3 || Title from "Reason" by Stanaj ||

Masterlist

Summary:

Denki did try to put all of his focus on paying attention to just Midnight during her lesson, but he wound up pulling out his phone and started texting Hitoshi instead, taking another win when he saw the sliver of a smile on Hitoshi’s lips before he went back to ignoring Denki.

When he shuts off his screen, he feels eyes on him. At first, he thought it was Midnight, and thought she had caught him texting and was about to give him detention. But he was wrong.

When their teacher wasn’t looking, he looked over his shoulder, seeing Kyouka staring at him. That look she had in her eyes this morning was back, only it looked stronger than before. She doesn’t make gestures or anything to acknowledge him, but shifts her gaze to give Hitoshi that very same look.

A look so sharp, it felt like daggers from afar. She was angry.

Back when Denki had met Kyouka, he thought she was one of the coolest people in their class. She always seemed so calm and collected, and didn’t care about the opinions of others, only that she tried her best. And even after they became friends, he thought that of her. He admired her for being able to stay calm in any situation.

At one point, he wanted to be like that. Not this hyperactive loud blond that everyone saw him for.

Don’t get him wrong, there were (and still are) times where he wished she didn’t make comments about his intellect. He’s smart, and he knows it. He just has a hard time showing that to other people. Then again, he can’t really tell them that, after all, he’s never told them about his ADHD or that he was diagnosed with dyscalculia at the beginning of the semester.

Maybe he should have.

But that’s not why we’re here.

When Denki finally worked up the courage to ask Kyouka out, he was a nervous wreck, to the point where he would accidentally short circuit himself and would need one of his classmates (or Aizawa) to take him to Recovery Girl. He wanted to impress her cause at that moment, her opinion of him was the only one that mattered. That didn’t mean when he asked her out for the first time, she immediately said yes. It took him three tries before she agreed to go on a single date.

Then they started studying more together outside of their squad, going on study dates at a cafe off campus, or in one of their rooms. Those study dates would turn into just them hanging out, talking about various music genres, songs, bands, you name it. At one point, he was able to get her to laugh without making a complete fool of himself.

Things seemed perfect between them. And maybe he should have taken that as a sign that it wouldn’t last. That they just weren’t meant to happen.

When Shinsou– Hitoshi, walked into Class 1-A the day he joined, he was stunned. He had seen the boy at the Sports Festival, and he had to admit that when watching him, he thought he was smart, cunning even. He knew how to provoke Midoriya, and he succeeded in trapping him under his Quirk. Even if he didn’t win that match, he made his point and got the attention of everyone, including him.

Not to mention, he thought Hitoshi was very attractive (which aside from the match, is what caught his attention the most), and still does. He’s not blind to that. But he wouldn’t make a move on him for those who are concerned about learning this fact, given that he’s in a relationship.

But he was more stunned, and perhaps, relieved to know that Mineta had been expelled. Truth be told, he only hung around him because no else would, and he didn’t want Mineta to feel left out. Even after learning just how perverted his ex-classmate could be, he had hoped it was just a regular teenage-phase like his was. Now he wished he had helped him get expelled sooner.

That didn’t matter anymore though, because he was gone and Hitoshi had replaced him.

The first thing Denki notices is that Hitoshi is a quiet person, and private too. He doesn’t socialize with everyone like the others did, he sticks to himself and he doesn’t actively seek out conversations unless he has too. The first thought Denki has when he realizes this is to wonder if he was lonely.

Which is why the day after Hitoshi had joined their class, he set out on a mission to make sure the insomniac had at least one friend, even if he was his only one.

He didn’t tell anyone what he was planning, but everyone was quick to catch onto his schemes. Mina and Kirishima had even suggested inviting him to their study group so he could talk to more people, but Denki wasn’t surprised when Hitoshi declined that offer.

However, Kyouka was the first to speak up about his goal.

“Maybe you should let him talk to people on his own.” They were studying up in her room that day, working on mathematics for their next class with Ectoplasm.

Denki looked up from the papers in his lap (the equations being all over the place as he tried to show his work), brows furrowed as he looked at her. “Huh? What are you talking about?”

Kyouka moved her notebook to the side and moved closer to peak at his work, a small frown on her face. “Hitoshi.” She told him, picking up a pen before sliding the current paper he was working on over to her so she could fix some of the messy explanation he was trying to give. “He’s not the social type. And he’s already stated before that he doesn't want friends.”

Denki scoffs, watching her work. “What people say and how they act are two different things, babe.” Still, he frowns. “I don’t think he means it. Even Heroes have friends.”

“Okay, but we’re not Heroes.”

“Yet.”

Kyouka rolled her eyes, sliding the paper back to him. “I’m serious, Denki. Leave it. Don't be an idiot.”

Ignoring the slight pain in his chest when he hears that word, Denki shrugs, eyeing the red-inked notes she had left. “You weren’t very social when we met, now look at us.” He flashes her a grin. “Relax, I’ll have him chatting up a storm in no time.”

He wished he could say that he kept his happy persona up after that night, but as they were leaving homeroom Friday afternoon to head back to the dorms, Aizawa had asked him to stay behind. Which didn’t surprise anyone, or him at this point. And unfortunately, he had a feeling as to what he was being held back for.

“Is everything okay, Aizawa Sensei?” The older man had reached over his desk and handed him some papers, and within a red circle at the top of the page was the percentage score of 31% at the top.

So with a sigh, he realizes that his suspicions were right. He looked past the paper in his hands and stared at the wooden desk. “Which class?” He asked. He already knows the answer though.

“Mathematics.” Denki sighs again, raising a hand to rub the side of his face tiredly. “You’ve been maintaining a steady score between fifty and sixty percent, which is still under a passing grade, but lately your grade has been dropping.”

“Yep, I see that.” He looks up, seeing the bored expression on his teacher's face, realizing he had said that out loud. He straightens his posture, “Sorry.”

Aizawa sighs, leaning back in his chair. “I noticed that it’s not just Ectoplasm’s class you’ve been failing in, but Modern Art too. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. And I’ve been studying with Bakugou and our friends almost every other day.”

“So what happened?”

Denki shrugs, looking down at his score again. “I just can’t get it. Modern Art doesn’t stick to me like other subjects do. And numbers…” He trails off. “I’ll try harder.”

Aizawa didn’t say anything at first, mostly observing his student. He sighs again though, “Look. I also hold tutoring sessions over the weekend in the morning.” He told him, “If you want some extra help, swing by the classroom tomorrow morning and we can start working on stuff you’re having trouble with. Sound good?”

Denki didn’t hesitate to agree to that.

That was during week one.

Week two was more difficult but at the same time easier. Wednesday afternoon, during Cementoss’ class, he noticed the insomniac looked more tired than usual. He can’t say he blames him, Cementoss’ class wasn’t exactly boring, but it also didn’t hold as much of Denki’s attention like English did. But he could at least maintain a decent grade in Modern Literature when compared to Modern Art.

Surprisingly, he managed to get him to talk a little during that class. Which in his books, was a win in itself.

That night, he was going over some of the extra homework Ectoplasm had given him in the common room when he overheard Mina and Midoriya talking. Midoriya was working on his English homework with Iida on the opposite couch from where he was sitting, and Mina was originally talking to Hagakure.

“Crap.”

“Language.” Iida didn’t miss a beat, but stopped writing to look up at the green-haired boy, Denki couldn’t help but to do the same curiously, noting that Midoriya was looking frantically through his back. “Is everything okay?”

Midoriya looked like he was about to say something panicky, but deflated with a look of realization. “Yeah, sorry. I forgot.” He breathes out, learning back. “I thought I lost my notes for Literature, but I just remembered that Hitoshi had asked if he could borrow them.”

“If you need your notes, why don’t you go ask if you can get them back for a minute?”

Denki shook his head, “No.” This gains the attention of the two, “He’s babysitting his sister for his parents tonight, so he’s not at the dorms.” He explains, “But can’t you just text him and see if he’ll text you what notes you need for tonight?”

“I don’t have his number.”

“I do!” Mina jumps in, jumping over the couch and plopping down next to Denki, and judging by the pressure on Denki’s right, Hagakure had also sat down next to him.

But Denki turns to look at Mina, looking shocked. “What? How?”

Mina scoffs lightly, pulling out her phone. “I have my resources.”

“She got it from a Gen Studies kid.” Hagakure informs them, making Mina frown.

“Hey! Let me be mysterious!” She complains, shaking her head before looking toward Midoriya. “But I can give you his number so you can text him, he might not be bothered if it’s you texting him anyway.”

Iida looked confused. “Huh? Why do you say that?”

“I’m pretty sure that aside from his dad, the only one he’s willing to have a conversation with and enjoy it is Midoriya.” Denki couldn’t help but to agree with that.

“Hey, can you give me his number as well?” Denki asked. Mina gave him his number with no hesitation.

That night, he was meant to be finishing his assignment and instead, he worked up the balls to text Hitoshi, taking his replies as another win.

Thursday of week two was when he noticed how things began to rock with his and Kyouka’s relationship.

It started off as something small, he almost didn’t notice it. Despite being tired from staying up late to study (and to talk to Hitoshi), Denki was smiling at his phone during breakfast, fingers tapping away at his screen whenever he replied to Hitoshi. He was aware of his friends talking with each other, but wasn’t paying attention as to what they were talking about.

Do you have any pets?

When’s your birthday?

Favorite season?

Each question was back to back. In hindsight, he knows how that could annoy people, but he was curious about him. A part of him wanted to know everything he could about him. Isn’t that weird?

It wasn’t until he felt someone tap (more like smacked) his arm that he jerked his head up to see what was happening, noting that everyone had already finished eating and were getting up to finish getting ready for the day. Kyouka was sitting on his right, looking at him with an expression he couldn’t read.

“Mm?” He looked toward her, confused, “Are we leaving already?” “You’ve been on your phone for the past twenty minutes,” Kyouka told him. He noticed how her jaw seemed clenched as she spoke. She sighed, reaching in front of him to pick up their dishes before getting up from her seat. “Come on, we’re gonna be late for class.”

He couldn’t help but to frown when she walked away, but he gets up and brings over their cups to put in the dishwasher. He doesn’t miss how the moment he walked in, she left. Normally, they cleaned up together.

His phone chimed in his hand, and he looked down to see that Hitoshi had replied. Three cats. July 1rst. And winter. But only one of the cats is actually mine, the other two technically belong to my Dad and Eri.

So would you say you’re more of a cat person than a dog person?

Yeah, but I don’t mind dogs much. As long as they don’t slobber on me.

Denki laughed, shaking his head before looking up from his phone to leave. But he sees Kyouka standing in the doorway, their backpacks in her hands, with an unreadable look in her eyes.

The next time he noticed was in Art History.

Kyouka hadn’t said a word to him during homeroom, but he shrugged it off thinking that she was just tired. He would later regret shrugging it off and realize that it was a mistake to have done so.

But during class, the first thing he noticed wasn’t Kyouka, but Hitoshi. Specifically how awake he looked. At least he wasn’t on the verge of passing out again like yesterday.

When he shuts off his screen, he feels eyes on him. At first, he thought it was Midnight, and thought she had caught him texting and was about to give him detention. But he was wrong.

A look so sharp, it felt like daggers from afar. She was angry.

The third time he noticed something was off was during and after training.

Kyouka had practically avoided him during lunch, and looking back on it now, that was on him. Though it wasn’t because of Hitoshi that time, Sero had pulled him into a conversation between the two of them and Kirishima. But for most of the day, she hadn’t spoken to him really.

And training…

It was a game of Heroes and Villains, and guess who was his opponent for his match. You guessed it, his angry girlfriend.

To make it worse, his partner for the round was Hitoshi. Their goal was to save the hostages (Bakugou had a lot to say about being shoved into that role with Uraraka, but his complaints went ignored). Things started off smoothly, they had managed to move closer undetected by Asui and Kyouka for the first portion of the round.

Denki should have remembered that Kyouka would find them because of her Quirk, but all logic went out the window the moment he opened his mouth.

“Sunset or sunrise?”

“Sunset.”

“Favorite game?” “Right now? Genshin Impact.” “What’s your type?”

Denki watched Hitoshi freeze, most likely processing his question, before turning to look at him. “What?”

All Denki could respond with was a shrug and continued. “Like, romantically. What’s your type?”

Hitoshi scoffs, shaking his head to look back at Asui. “That shit is so stupid.”

“Come on,” He drags out, stepping closer. “Who's your dream girl?”

“Bold of you to assume I’m into girls.” They both fall silent.

Denki saw the slight twinge of panic in his tired eyes, and he felt a twinge of guilt in his stomach for asking now. The look Hitoshi gave him brought him back to middle school, a time in which was not the best for him.

But Denki swallowed and smiled, “My question still stands,” He steps closer, peaking around Hitoshi to look at the situation before looking up at him. His smile softens when he asks, “Who’s your dream guy?”

He doesn’t get a response because Kyouka had found them.

The rest of that round was a blur.

The next thing he knew, he was snapping out of his short-circuited state and was becoming aware of where he was, which was Recovery Girl’s office.

Denki doesn’t make it aware that he was “awake” now and instead, observes. Sitting in a chair against the wall opposite of the bed was Kyouka, who sat there scrolling on her phone. He eyes the clock and notes that he’s probably been there for a little over half an hour.

That’s longer than normal. He frowns. He had gotten the amount of time it takes him to snap out of his short-circuited state down to thirty minutes, twenty-five on a good day.

He watched at the minute and ticked over to the next until five minutes had passed. He looks away and notes that Kyouka hadn’t looked up from her phone in that time.

“... You went hard during practice.”

Her fingers stop moving, her eyes look up from the screen to see him staring at her before looking back down. Kyouka shrugged, leaning forward in her seat. “I got carried away acting like a Villain.”

She lied. They both know she lied. And he called her out on it without missing a beat.

“You’re mad.”

She scoffs, “No I’m not.”

“Bullshit.”

She locks her phone and sets it aside. The purple-haired girl stood from her seat and took two steps forward until she was standing at the end of the bed. “Why would I be mad?” She asked.

“That’s the problem, I don’t know.”

"Of course you don't." Again, Kyouka scoffs. “And yet you think you can call me out for being upset?”

“So you are upset then.” She looked at him with furrowed brows, “I said you were mad, not upset. Implying that your upset could mean something else.”

And again, he notices how her jaw clenched. That look of daggers returned to her eyes. “So what if I am? It’s not like you care.”

“Wha- Where the hell did that come from?” Denki sat up, moving closer toward the end of the bed. “Why would I not care? You’re my girlfriend.”

“Oh really?” She snaps, “Cause lately I don’t feel like I am, you’re too busy prioritizing everyone else over me.”

Before any more words could be said, the door opens and in comes Recovery Girl and Aizawa. The couple shut their mouths, and Kyouka stepped back from the bed while Denki shook his head at her, tearing his eyes away from her and toward the adults.

And Denki wished that was the end of their quarrels, but that was only the start.

"Hey, Ji?" They were in homeroom one morning. She looks up from her desk and looks at him, "Do you have a pen I could borrow."

Kyouka scoffs, shaking her head. "Why don't you ask Hitoshi." She muttered it, but he still heard it.

After that day, the smallest of things would start a fight between them. From forgetting an extra pen for when one of them forgot theirs to the smallest of slip-ups during training would provoke a fight, a couple of which have almost borderline a shouting match between them.

Each argument would end the same way, with them walking away from each other, and Denki being left confused about what the fuck just happened and him questioning what he could have done to either deescalate the situation, or if he was responsible for the situation to begin with.

But the one thing he would not ask himself is if their relationship was going to fall through or not.

He knew the fights were getting worse, that they were on rocky ground. But he was convinced that it would work out, that this was just some miscommunication issue that Kyouka didn’t want to talk about. They could work things out.

It’s been a couple of weeks since that day in Recovery Girl’s office, and he could officially say that he has gotten Hitoshi to be a little more social. And by that, he means that he’s no longer immediately hiding out in his room the moment they get back to the dorms after classes. He’s also witnessed him talking to Todoroki and Midoriya for longer than five minutes.

He counts that as another win.

It was a Friday night, and a good majority of the class wanted to go out to eat. So after a little bit of convincing (and by that, they totally asked/begged Hitoshi to talk to his dad), the entire class ended up going to a ramen shop at the bottom of the hill.

Everyone was separated into their own groups, the Bakusquad (god, Bakugou still gets annoyed at that name) and Hitoshi took up one table, Midoriya and his group (that being Todoroki, Iida, Uraraka and Asui) sat on the opposite side of the restaurant. Tokoyami and Shoji sat together at a two-person table, the same could be said about Ojiro and Hagakure, and Momo and Kyouka. Sato, Aoyama and Koda took one of the window booths.

But the Bakusquad’s table is what we’re focused on tonight. Mina, Sero and Denki took up the left side of the table, both boys being on either side of her, while Kirishima, Bakugou and Hitoshi sat across from them.

“So…” Mina drawls out, eyes locked on the purple-haired boy. “Hitoshi, do you have a girlfriend?”

The blunt question makes Hitoshi nearly choke on his food. His eyes widen slightly at her and dart to Denki, who shrugs. Swallowing, Hitoshi looks back at Mina, “I’m gay.”

The blunt response causes Sero and Denki to laugh. Mina rolled her eyes playfully. “My question stands. Are you in a relationship right now?”

“Oi, Pinkie, leave him be.” Bakugou grumbles, bringing his chopsticks up to his mouth. “It’s his business.”

Mina’s frown only lasts a second before Hitoshi replies. “No, and I don’t plan on being in one any time soon.”

This time, Bakugou is the one to respond to him. “What? Are we not good enough for you?”

“Huh? No! That’s not-” Hitoshi shuts up when he notices the smirk on the angry blond’s lips, Kirishima laughs from beside him, and Hitoshi shakes his head. “Oh fuck off.”

Mina shrugs, “Well, if you change your mind, I can think of a couple of people who would be interested.”

Denki pauses mid slurp of his noodles, looking toward his pink-haired friend. On her right, he sees Sero sharing the same look, and out of the corner of his eye, sees Hitoshi raising a brow at her. “Huh? Like who?” Sero asked.

“Monoma.”

“What the fu-” Kirishima reaches across Hitoshi’s back to smack Bakugou on the back of his head, cutting him off mid-sentence, but looks at her shocked.

Hitoshi stares at her like she grew a second head. “Mina, I like you. I do.” She smiles, “But what in the every-loving hell?”

To her right, Sero is laughing. Denki, however, is quiet. looking between Hitoshi and Mina.

“Oh come on, he’s not that bad-”

“Bullshit!”

Kirishima reaches across Hitoshi's back again, “Bakugou, that’s so not manly.” The blond catches his hand with an eye roll.

“Shut up, Shitty Hair.”

“Wait-” Sero sets his chopsticks down, turning his body to face Mina. “You said a couple of people. Who’s the other guy?”

The pink-haired girl struggles to not laugh, attempting to keep a serious look on her face. “Aoyama.”

Hitoshi stares at her. Blink, blink. Before he smirks, pointing his chopsticks at her accusingly. “Now I know you’re bullshitting.” She breaks, laughing loudly. “What makes you think blondes are my type, anyway?”

“Your dad.”

“Pfft-” Bakugou fails to bite back a snicker, Denki shakes his head with a smile. "I'm sorry-?" Hitoshi cuts himself off.

“No no no, hear me out. You basically are a miniature version of Aizawa Sensei physically, and the only one you’ve willingly hung out with so far is Kami,” She nods her head toward Denki. “So I assumed taste runs in the family.”

“That is the worst excuse in existence, Pinkie!” Bakugou calls her out, provoking a rather playful argument between the two of them.

Meanwhile, Denki shakes his head. Hitoshi eyes her curiously, but the blond shrugs, a smile tattooed on his face. But that smile only lasts for a few seconds until he looks past Hitoshi. A few tables down, Kyouka sat with Momo, and she was looking over at them.

She looks frustrated.

His smile falls when she gets up from her seat and storms out, Momo calling after her before following. The table falls silent, and all eyes go to Denki, who looks to be at a loss.

Surprisingly, it’s Bakugou who asks. “What the hell’s been up with you two lately?” Mina nodded, also curious.

Unfortunately, all he can do is shrug and shake his head. He notices the frown on Hitoshi’s face when he does. He’s more confused now than ever. The only thing that felt right at the time was to get up and follow after her.

Denki could sense another fight on the rise, but he was hopeful for the opposite. He and Kyouka were in her room, his text book open on his left, a pad of paper in his lap and a pen in his hand, revising a portion of the extra homework Ectoplasm had given him; he was hoping to get this done tonight for his tutoring session with Aizawa the next day. Meanwhile, she sat at her desk, hunched over when writing something down, occasionally tapping her pen against the top of her desk. They worked in silence, but it wasn’t the peaceful silence he had gotten used to. Last night at the ramen shop felt intense. And as expected, she refused to speak to him when he went after her. Momo had told him to go back inside, and at first he had refused. But given that Kyouka wouldn’t even look at him (she didn’t have to look at him, he knew there were tears in her eyes, most likely caused by him), he felt as if he had no choice but to follow Momo’s orders. Whatever was going on between him and Kyouka was not going to end well, he was coming to terms with that. And that realization has been making him anxious. He doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong. And he doesn’t want to lose her.

Kyouka’s tapping comes to a halt, and he can hear her spin her chair around to look at him. He looks over, noting how she was twirling her earjacks with her fingers. “So…” She trails off.

Denki sits up straight, setting aside his notepad before turning his body to face her completely. “So?”

“Uh… You and Hitoshi.”

He looks confused. “Yeah?”

“What’s going on there? You’re spending an awful lot of time with him lately… It’s kind of weird.”

“Weird how?” He tries to keep his voice even, hoping that if he does, he won’t start a fight based on the tone of his voice alone. “We’re just friends.”

She scoffs, and he bites back a wince. “Just friends, huh? Friends don’t spend that much time together.” She tells him, standing up from her seat.

“He’s new, Kyouka-”

“He’s been in our class for weeks now.”

“So?”

“So he doesn’t need you to baby him. To hold his hand when he’s talking to people.”

Something in him clicked. He doesn’t know what made it click, her voice, her words, the look of daggers in her eyes whenever she spoke about their classmate, which he now noticed was there whenever someone brought up Hitoshi’s name.

“You… You’re jealous.” It wasn’t a question. But when she doesn’t open her mouth to tell him he’s wrong, something snaps. “That’s what this has been about? Because I’ve been hanging out with my friend? How is that different than when I’m around Sero or Mina?”

“Friends don’t act the way you two do-”

“What way?”

“Like it’s just the two of you in the room.” Denki goes quiet. But doesn’t stop himself from staring at her in disbelief. “And I’m not the only one who’s seen it. Hagakure-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Denki rarely swore when he was being serious. The times he does swear are mostly playful. The times where it’s not is when he’s really upset. “Don’t get me wrong, Hagakure is a nice girl, but she is a gossip, Kyouka.”

“She may be a gossip, but she doesn’t lie, Denki.”

“Well then allow me to put the gossip and rumors to rest. There’s nothing going on between me and Hitoshi.” He stands up from the bed, arms crossed her his chest. “He’s my friend. That’s it.”

Kyouka mimics him, arms crossing over her chest while shaking her head. “I don’t believe you.”

“Then can I ask you something?” She’s hesitant, but nods, “Do you think I’m cheating on you?”

“Of course not!” Her eyes widened with horror, shaking her head again. “No, I know you wouldn’t do that. You’re not like that-”

“Then why are you jealous of how much time I spend with him?”

“I don’t know, alright?” She shouts, and the room falls silent.

And all he can do is stare. There are tears in her eyes again, just like the other night. Kyouka is frustrated, and he can’t tell if that frustration is toward him or herself. He hopes it’s neither.

“I… I can’t do this anymore.”

Her voice was so quiet, Denki almost didn’t hear her. But he felt his heart stop when he did. “What?”

Kyouka breathes out, her breath is shaky and her eyes are trained on everything else but him. “I- I know in the back of my mind that there’s nothing going on between the two of you. I do. And I know he’s your friend, Denki. But I can’t shake this feeling I get whenever I see you talking to him, and last night at the restaurant only proved that.”

Denki’s arms feel heavy, and they drop to his sides. “Kyouka-”

She finally looks at him with teary eyes, and he feels his heart clench in his chest. “I care about you, Denki. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose me over everyone, and right now that’s how I feel like I’m coming off as. And I don’t know why I’m thinking like this or what’s wrong with me-”

“Nothing is wrong with you, Kyouka.” He steps forward. “I… I don’t think there could ever be something wrong with you.”

“Considering how I’ve been acting these past few weeks, I’d say otherwise.” She lets out a breathy laugh. "It just doesn't feel the same as when I see you with the others. I'm used to Mina and Sero being flirty with you because they're like that with everyone. Kirishima clearly likes Bakugou, and Bakugou is... Well, Bakugou." She pauses for a minute, and he sees more tears collecting in her eyes. “I’m sorry-”

He cuts her off, pulling her into a hug. His lanky limbs wrap around her to

He cuts her off, pulling her into a hug. His lanky limbs wrap around her torso and pull her closer to him, his head buried into the crook of her neck. He can feel her forehead laying against his shoulder, the vibration of her body as she cries quietly.

Denki’s arms tightened around her, feeling tears sting in his eyes. “I’m sorry too.”

They don’t let go of each other right away. Because they know that once he walks out of her room tonight, they will be over. That the next time they see each other, they’ll be exes.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

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aibidil · 2 years

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A lot of people like to talk big shit about how self-diagnosis and self-treatment of medical problems using internet research is the height of narcissistic internet absurdity and an example of millennial and gen z women letting the internet rot our brains

Meanwhile

A friend of mine with a dad, brother, and two kids formally diagnosed with ADHD and a lifetime of symptoms finally went to get a diagnosis for herself and was told that her problems were due to being unhappy in her marriage, not ADHD

A friend of mine in an excruciating flare of chronic pain including recovery from a vulva biopsy was asked by a doctor if she'd tried yoga

A doctor once told me that I should go ahead with a radiation treatment that wasn't indicated for young women because "well, it'll probably make you infertile, yeah, but you'll have enough money to do IVF in like ten years so that's ok"

Doctors routinely prescribe antibiotics to breastfeeding moms who have thrush even though antibiotics make fungal infections worse

Every new doctor I tell I have EDS asks me to do the hypermobility party tricks because they want to see them, even though they should know that doing those movements isn't good for my body

Doctors refuse to advise parents to give their constipated kids enemas, one going so far as to tell me that it would give my kid psychological issues, blatantly allowing a homophobic fear of penetration to stand in the way of proper medical care for kids who don't respond to miralax

An old man obgyn once told me, when I informed him that I was going off the pill, that he was sure he would see me soon, because I would change my mind because "women are happier on the pill."

Girls with autism and adhd are completely underdiagnosed and parents' concerns dismissed because the girls are too smart or too good at masking

I have friends whose doctors will refuse to even discuss treating infertility until they lose a certain number of pounds, quite literally refusing medical care on the basis of weight

Sure, there's a lot of misinformation on the internet, and you need to be careful and sift through it all. And at some point you'll need the input of doctors and tests to confirm your hunches, etc. (Which you may only have access to if you have $.) But how can you honestly look at this situation and NOT think the only solution is for us to research everything ourselves? To diagnose ourselves? To figure out what the best-practice treatment is so that you can question suggestions? When misogyny is so rampant in a Healthcare system, how can women ever make sure we're cared for properly? And if you're also poor, or uneducated, or fat, or bipoc, or trans, or a non-native-English speaker?!?! FORGET IT

I'll be over here in my internet groups where women put in countless hours compiling medical research with citations and sharing health conditions and treatments and experiences. Because the village witches have always been the ones to figure this shit out and also the ones to get blamed whenever something goes wrong—only now the village witches are compiling 100-page detailed guides on Facebook groups on how to combat iron deficiency, while the doctors refuse to even test our ferritin levels. I'll brave the medical offices when I need to, armed with my advance research to combat the bullshit I will inevitably encounter as I try to access to care I need

#tw doctors #tw healthcare #doctors #healthcare #misogyny #misogyny in medicine #I diagnosed myself and my kid with adhd #and then had it confirmed #I diagnosed both my kids with dyslexia #and then had them both confirmed #I diagnosed myself with EDS and MCAS and POTS #and then had them confirmed #I figured out how to treat my kids' encopresis through an online group and had to lie to our doctor #we have to do everything ourselves around here #so yes not downplaying that there's problems in this system #but what the fuck else could you expect us to do #raaaaaaant

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demonicsaintess · 1 year

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The Most Pointless Mob Psycho 100 S2ep3 Rant Ever

warning: there’s a bit of spoilers here

Hello hello it’s me again, Holy~

So I’ve been binging Mob Psycho 100, because everyone started suddenly talking about it, and being the nosey bitch that I am…. I needed to get to it. So, of course I did. I spent about an hour writing this. I wanted to get this right. Especially since I felt some if the parallels lined up with my personal life experiences. So, it’s time to cut the cake.

*note, stuff that can be casually skipped over, will be written in orange

Damn this episode was a doozy.

Season 2 Episode 3: One Danger After Another ~Degeneracy~

I love Reigan. I really, really fucking love Reigan. He cares for Mob and is honestly a good mentor to him, although he himself is shady. He is seen as the one who is emotionally shaping, and raising Mob. I have issues with the way Reigan has been going about it though; and I don’t feel like that’s an unfair accusation. Like, sure, during the first season, he goes from lightly manipulating Mob, to taking notice of the effect of the actions he is making Mob take. Now in the second season, it seems as though he has now acknowledged that whether he wanted to or not, Mob has come to take his words as law; and Reigan is now a father figure to him. Here is the growth path it seems to be going down in my opinion. Now, I’m just speculating, but this season’s going to be a huge awakening for Reigan, to the fact that he has probably been the unconscious catalyst for a considerable amount of emotional turmoil to Shigeo’s adolescence . It’s almost laughable how Dimple can see it before Reigan. Yes, it may be because of underhanded motives, but to be fair, isn’t Reigan also using underhanded tactics? On the other hand though, I also see Reigan starting to become more honest; even if he doesn’t stop scamming. (Come on, we all know Reigan is stupidly good at cons; we love a bad bitch okay? Girl boss??) But I don’t see this season going further than this aspect regarding Reigan.

Mob on the other hand, I believe he has learned something about himself, each time he has exploded.

So, a little backstory. Once upon a time there was a little girl back in the 90s, who was diagnosed in the early days of mental health awareness, with ADHD; and eventually ended up with a final diagnosis 20 years later, of bipolar and schizophrenia, Trust me when I say, it took YEARS for me stabilize, with medicine. It was hard, scary, and way too much to have to deal with through my adolescent years; and I had a good, caring support system. Okay, end of flashback (phew).

This season has eerily similar undertones to the struggles I had faced, okay, scratch that; it’s screaming in my face; the similarities are quaking, alright? The most ironic thing I can say about this is, it’s fucking puberty my guys! Right now Mob is what? 14/15? That’s a really sensitive age for kids. Not to mention, imagine having the unfortunate issue of WHEN you reach emotional overload, you black out, and destroy things. Many mental illnesses come with loss of memory to outbursts, and even black out rages or mental breaks. When I was a child, I’d get so emotionally stressed where I’d sort of “go to sleep,” and it’d end with me “coming to” with myself, or others hurt; sometimes both. Mob is essentially experiencing that.

Mob is dealing with his emotions getting bigger, as he’s starting to try to be PART of the world now. He’s still desperately trying to keep control in the way he was taught: bottle it up. He went from trying to deny himself it felt like. Almost as if he didn’t consider himself as… anything. Almost feeling unfortunately born, but not wishing to leave the loose support system he does have. Everything he has learned about being a good person, unfortunately came from Reigan. Let me make this clear, I’m not shitting on Reigan. I actually love him. THEREFORE, being honest, I have to also fault him. I will give him back his points though for the following reason:

I think, being at the age where I would have children, I feel Reigan’s rule of don’t fight humans, is the smartest option for Shigeo. Think about it; at the end of episode 3, what did he say? “If I were to ever use my power to eradicate a person, is there anyone who would be able to stop me?” That’s a pretty heavy thing to have to think of around 14 years old. Mob is struggling emotionally this season. I can already see him having a breakdown. I hate to just bluntly say this, but I just have a bad feeling on episode 3, that is just steadily growing more gnawing. I feel like Shigeo starting to voice his opinion, and slowly learning to make his own boundaries and realizing his own morals, is also becoming his “undoing” of sorts. Acknowledging and learning about your emotions, and how to healthily cope with them, is honestly probably the most irresponsible to think a 14 year old to manage perfectly. Therefore, requiring a 14 year old boy to deal with situations where he has to make permanent decisions by himself (think the family of ghosts and whether to exorcise them “for the customers.”), is asking for way too much. I for one, think its super fucked up that he has to even think for one second about something like this, over his FOURTEEN YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY FEELINGS. (Thanks a fucking lot REIGAN).

I have a lot of hope for Shigeo this season. Just like little reporter girl said, “Mob-kun needs to grow much, much more.”

Thanks for reading yet another review by

The Holy Villainess~

#mob psycho 100 #mob #mp100 shigeo #shigeo kageyama #anime review #anime #mp100 #mp100 reigen #mp100 dimple #mp100 s2 #mp100 mob #mp100 shigeo kageyama

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lady-laureline · 3 months

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There's been a lot of discussion about the validity of neurodivergent self-diagnosis, including a fair bit of fuss about the notion that there is a whole swathe of people faking their disability for attention, so I think it's a great time to dissect a few fun topics such as representation, intersectionality, prejudice and privilege (this post is unapologetically long).

Tl;dr for the people at the back: cracking down on perceived fakes has unintended consequences. If you don't know what you're talking about, what is "believable" is not for you to decide.

×××

To those with concerns, a few questions. What was your first encounter with disability? A joke in a movie, perhaps, or an insult you heard at school?

Incidentally, did you know the brain uses your first impression as the foundation for your understanding of any concept? This can be tricky to reflect on (we all have a built-in resistance to changing our minds), but if you are comparing the people you see online to Rain Man you might have some catching up to do.

There's this insidious notion of being "reasonably disabled". People tend to go for an all-or-nothing dichotomy without really thinking about it, which is detrimental to literally everyone in between. Personally, I think it has something to do with our discomfort around being bad at something. As if being blind was somehow more legitimate than having poor eyesight - it sounds ridiculous, but tell me there isn't a part of you that thinks this way.

Likewise, there are plenty of neurodivergent folk that are able to function in society, but will not quite match up to the neurotypical standard in certain contexts, whether we lack the performance skills or just have a different taste in things. Y'all seem to be having difficulties translating a theoretical understanding of this into not cringing like we're bringing down the average grade.

Okay, but aren't we talking about a medical diagnosis? Surely that should be left to the professionals? Yes & no. Hope you don't mind that I explain with the help of anecdotal evidence.

I am at a point where I am feeling pretty good about how I identify, i.e. officially diagnosed with adhd, and self-diagnosed as autistic. Through a combination of digging through online resources and a whole lot of recuperation, I've been able to put many of the struggles I was fighting blind with into a framework I am able to understand. I feel more like a person than I ever have in my life, and that, for me, is the greatest benefit of a diagnosis, official or not.

While I am certainly not ruling out seeking a doctor's confirmation of my autism at some point, there is some trepidation involved.

A non-trivial part of this is my adhd diagnosis experience. This was during the pandemic, I was just coming to terms with being burnt out and was so so ready to finally get some answers as to why. An immigrant (read: used to paying for healthcare) living in the UK, I naturally opted to seek guidance and support from the National Healthcare Service at this vulnerable time in my life. If you're familiar with the NHS, you can probably guess how it went to bother this already overwhelmed and underfunded organisation that definitely did not want to deal with my trauma dumping.

After being coerced to try an SSRI "to find out what's under all that anxiety" and having a terrible time with it, plus feeling legitimately gaslight in my pursuit of getting to the bottom of what it would actually take to get approved for an assessment, I found out about my right to choose and swiftly obtained both my diagnosis and prescription via Psychiatry UK, a private organisation.*

A decidedly shitty experience overall, but I ended up with a lot of useful insight into navigating the bureaucracy, and I can safely say that taking (the right) medication has helped a lot with symptom management, and thus, life in general.

Now, autism has been in the public eye much longer than adhd and has accumulated more research over the years, but its implementation is far from adequate, especially for autistic adults. Some of the studies that shaped the understanding of doctors practicing today betray the derogatory and/or infantilising beliefs of doctors of the past.

So I have concerns about the toll another clinical runaround might have on my mental health. It would take a lot of work, too - prior to assessment, you are more or less expected to build a convincing case for yourself, which means you have to do enough research to persuade a medical professional who may or may not be inclined to think of all this neurospicy nonsense is a waste of time.

Even if I did get approved for an autism assessment with the NHS, the waiting list is years (yes, years) long. Private care is prohibitively expensive, unless you're desperate enough. Or, you know, rich. I've seen prices in the thousands (yes, thousands).

I'm also unsure, in practical terms, what I stand to gain from an official diagnosis as opposed to, say, seeking out a local branch of the autistic community. Not because I don't trust institutions, but because "access to accommodations" rarely gets elaborated on further, and is not a guarantee. There are also situations where the label would create incompatibility where there previously was none - for example, certain immigration policies reject autistic people outright. Not that I'm thinking of moving to New Zealand, but still.

There's a lot to consider. I haven't gotten around to making an exhaustive list of pros and cons and I don't think I'll have the energy for it anytime soon. Please feel free to add your two cents if you'd like.

Alright, so an official diagnosis isn't quite the no-brainer you thought it was, but "that doesn't excuse people labelling themselves for the fun of it".

Buddy. Friend. Kindred spirit o' mine.

We are doing this because we are having difficulty surviving in a world that wasn't built for us. I don't know what your definition of "fun" is, but I can think of a few other things I'd rather be doing than grappling with burnout and existential crises for half of my twenties - because that's what happens when you grow up being told that your lived experience isn't real. That you couldn't possibly feel this way, because the rest of the class feels fine.

People worrying about fake disabilities are still trying to fit neurodivergent content into a neurotypical point of view. They see someone trying to normalise the disabled experience and think: "If I did that, I'd be doing it for attention," then carry on to brutally mock them as some sort of righteous punishment for being too weird online.**

I have had to sift through a metric ton of trauma to build my identity back up from scratch. Really puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional". And believe it or not, I have had a relatively easy time of it.

About that intersectionality:

My trials as a disabled immigrant have been frustrating, but I'm also a young, straight-passing, cis white woman. People of colour go undiagnosed at far higher rates - their symptoms are overlooked more, and when they are recognised they are often misconstrued as threatening. Trans people get written off altogether, because transitioning apparently means there are no other medically relevant aspects of your life? I'm sorry?

I cannot speak with authority on these experiences, but I can say that defining someone by a single facet of their personhood is redundant and insulting, and causes real harm when that preconception bars access to the care they need. It's high time we put work into understanding how our differences interact, and hammer home the fact that intersectionality isn't the exception, it's the rule.

If there's one thing that's going to make it harder to recognise the signs of genuine neurodivergence, it's facing constant doubt. Which we do, about our struggles themselves, and the severity of them. The things that happen to us either happen to nobody, or they happen to everybody - so don't be such a bummer, it's neither the time nor the place, etc.

Maybe there is no adequate time or place for these conversations by design. Maybe the discomfort you feel has less to do with sensing pretense and more to do with rejecting something you don't understand. Maybe it's possible for us to think, speak, and act a little differently than you do, all while being sincere. Maybe letting us exist as we are won't make the world implode.

Food for thought.

I'll end on this note, because there is always someone who needs to hear it: Whatever the rest of your life looks like, if you are neurodivergent, you are part of the community. I believe you. You belong.

×××

*In the case of the NHS being unable to provide adequate care, it is a patient's right to request access to an alternative healthcare provider, free of charge. This is known as the right to choose. I've linked Psychiatry UK because they have a comprehensive explanation (and they were nice to me), however their waiting lists have also extended into oblivion.

**Like when Chloé Hayden (actor, author and disability rights advocate, with diagnosed auDHD) received overwhelming backlash (after posting a video of herself displaying unmasked joy) that led to her stepping away from social media.

#autism #adhd #audhd #neurodivergent #burnout #nhs #self-diagnosis #fake disability #right to choose #ramblepost

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