#i was experimenting with this one. the idea was a double exposure type thing. i was gonna do a background for the sad-verse too but got | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neddea · 4 months

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Polaroid Go tips and tricks - I really love this camera!

This is basically the post I wish I had read before and after I bought the Polaroid Go. I haven’t been able to find much info on tips and tricks, so I’m gonna share what I’ve learned, also with the intention of getting some feedback and hopefully more knowledge from the community 🙏🏻 Also, beware of the long post, I guess!

(NOTE: This is about the 2nd Gen Go, idk anything about the 1st Gen version).

The reasons I bought the Go instead of any other Instax or Polaroid camera:

☑️Analog camera instead of digital (I wasn’t sure about many other instant cameras). I wanted to restrict myself and not even have a screen to be able to tweak things or choose which picture I wanted to print. The goal for me was to learn photography in itself by using the “simplest” tools. If the picture turns out well, it’s because I’ve understood how to use the tools and how to get the most out of them (and sometimes I’m just lucky, let’s be honest!)

☑️Easy to carry around. I have ADHD, so I know that I will never do something if it feels like a bit too much work to get started on (for example, taking pictures outside if carrying it is a hassle). The Go was by far the best one in that sense.

☑️The film is cheaper than the other Polaroid films (at least that I’m aware of). This is huuuge for me, since I wanted to take as many pics as I could and not feel as bad if I “wasted” film with experiments and trials. Still not as affordable as Instax film though, but closer than other types.

☑️It has filters. I know, this might seem like a dumb reason, but I really wanted to get into this hobby because I wanted to relearn photography and go back to that feeling of physicality that used to inspire me back in college. I wanted to experiment with cellophane paper and with the chemistry of the film itself and whatever idea came to mind, and the filters added to that goal. Some instax cameras have unofficial filters, but they didn’t seem as… sturdy? Properly made? Idk, looks deceive and they could be great for all I know (if anyone has experience with them let me know, I’m curious!)

☑️Double exposure and flash On/Off options. Two other huge reasons why I chose this camera! For the same reasons as the one before: I wanted to experiment and be able to control the tool to take the pros and cons to the extreme.

☑️Accessories to carry it around and keep it safe (although I have things to say about some incompatibility issues).

That being said, things I don’t like as much:

🔻Can’t control exposure times and diaphragm aperture (sorry if the terms are incorrect, English is not my mother tongue and I learned the basics in Spanish). There are only two options and they’re automatic, so it’s a bit difficult to get it right. You can half press the shutter button to lock focus distance and light sensitivity though, but I haven’t mastered it quite yet.

🔻Polaroid film is not the most stable (I find it difficult to put this as a downside, I’m actually quite happy and even grateful that it works like this to the point that I count it as an extra tool and a huge part of the artistic process. Then again, sometimes you want things to work as you planned, so I’m guessing this can be a bad thing for many people).

🔻The film is still expensive, especially if you add shipping expenses. There aren’t nearly as many options as with other Polaroid cameras, the only available editions are the white frame and the black frame. I’d love to be able to use the peach frame, or a monochrome film, or the Bowie edition… but it seems like Polaroid doesn’t pamper the Go as much as its siblings

🔻Pictures tend to not be as sharp as the bigger films or it’s harder to get them right.

🔻Too much contrast between shadows and lights.

All in all, I’m really, really happy with it! I think it was the perfect choice for me, and I’m sad to see it isn’t as loved in the community (I’ve read though that the 1st gen wasn’t great, so that might be one of the reasons).

I also wanted to share my tips and tricks for different things!

🔳Double exposure: I'm still figuring things out, but so far my best takes have been in total darkness with very intense and direct light sources (a phone's flash directed to the camera, for example). For anyone who has never tried or doesn't know how this works: think of photography as painting with light on a black canvas. Total darkness means total lack of light, so you're not painting anything, right? This is especially useful for double exposure, which basically means taking two pictures in one. If you have absolute darkness with one small source of light and you take the first exposure, you still have plenty of "blank" canvas left, so the second exposure's lightened parts are gonna superimpose over the darkness of the first one. For example, in the first pic below the first take was for the two lines and circle (with the blue filter) and the second was for my friends' portraits (with a yellow filter). Play around with the shadows and lights, you can for example give some texture to the shadows of an otherwise well lit figure. For this reason I don't recommend using the flash, but hey, there's probably a good way to use both!

⚠️BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE TO IT. You wish you could take more than two exposures?? YOU ACTUALLY CAN. I just discovered this and I'm over the moon: double tap the flash button to turn on the double exposure mode, take the first one, turn the camera off; turn it on again, double tap for double exposure, AND THERE YOU GO, you are gonna take three exposures now. Do this ad infinitum if you want to (probably not the best idea for the film though). I'm so happy about this, you have no idea.

🔳Filters: I’m still getting used to them so I might be wrong, but generally speaking they reduce contrast. Pure blacks and whites will still be there if it's a well lit place, but you get more details on parts that would be otherwise slightly overexposed, and the middle tones don't get as dark. I also have a feeling that the flash works wonders on closer shots, tinting that plane more strongly with the filter, but as the flash reach fades into the background, the filter is not as visible (again, I'm basing this in just one picture that looks like that, I'll have to do more research). Another rule of thumb: yellow is the lightest color and blue is the darkest, so use them wisely. The blue filter is probably going to make the shot look a bit darker, and the yellow one might make it look too bright. I want to hear how anyone else feels about them, I might be completely on the wrong track with these!

🔳Incompatibilities between accessories: This one is annoying. I bought all together the hard case, the silicone skin, the travelling bag, the mini album, the wrist band, the bigger band and the filters. The main issue is the silicone skin, since if used the camera doesn't fit inside the hard case, AND you cannot add the filters to the camera because there's no window for it. I had to cut the frontal part of the skin so I could fit the filters, which is not ideal. I don't know how Polaroid has overlooked this particular thing, but yeah, be aware of that. The bands and the mini album have a ring with a clamp that allows you to attach them to each other or to other bags pretty easily.

🔳Using the countdown to get sharper pics. If your pulse is as unstable as mine and you're shooting a picture under dim lighting circumstances, I'd advise you to use the countdown tool to avoid any blurriness and shakiness. At least for me, when I click the shutter button I end up moving the camera slightly, which has slightly ruined some pics (this is not just Polaroid, it's just a general photography thing, but heavier cameras are not as sensitive to movement, I think. Physics, idk). So to avoid that, I just press the flash button for several seconds until a LED light lights up on the front of the camera. When you press the shutter, it counts down to 9, I think, and then takes the pic.

🔳Film temperature and development: Listen. Some people might complain about this, but I actually see it as another tool to take the shots that I want. I feel it's more impressionist-like than any other kind of photography, since it captures not just what the eye can see: it also kinda captures the impression and feeling of the moment. I've taken several pictures of my hometown, and it was around freezing temps outside, so when I took the first pic of course the shadows came off looking blueish and greenish, and they didn't get too dark at all. At first I was confused and a bit disappointed, but after two or three more shots I was ecstatic about it. It reminded me of the blueish greys Monet used in his paintings. I made some experimentation with the amount of time the pics developed in the cold and it's just so much fun. So yeah, id say use it in your favour! Remember to keep it close to the body in the cold to avoid it, and maybe some insulated pockets for the heat (Polaroid sells a bag for the camera with one such pocket, but I feel it doesn't work too well against the cold, would have to try in hotter temps). ALSO, sometimes it will take several days for the shadows to get as strong as they'll get! Especially if the pic developed in cold temps.

🔳Let entropy be part of it. Just experiment with the camera. Take lots of double exposure pics to try specific things without wasting as much film. Remember: sometimes the pics won't come out as perfect as you'd like, but often enough the reason might be something you might have done wrong; other times, it's just bad luck with the film or something else. Sometimes those imperfections add to the feeling of the picture. And sometimes you half-assedly take a shot and it turns out to be especially interesting. It can feel like every pic is a conversation between you and the camera (as cheesy as this might sound), and some things that you find compelling the camera might not be too thrilled about; sometimes you can convince it, and sometimes it shows you the beauty of something you didn't pay too much attention to. Take all of the pictures as learning opportunities, adapt to the tools you have. This camera can be really good for what it is, but it has its own personality (and so does the film), and sometimes it takes a while to warm up to new people, right? (Instead I feel like I just found my new best friend right off the bat LMAO)

🔳Finally, Polaroid's app isn't necessarily created for the Go, since it doesn't have any Bluetooth tools, but it does help with scanning. I'd recommend giving it a Go (pun intended), since it already crops and fixes the perspective of the image to show just the frame and photo. I normally have to edit it so that it looks a bit closer to the physical picture, but that's just me going the extra mile.

I think that's it! I'm still thinking about how to store or showcase the pictures in a nice way, do you guys have any ideas? How do you do it? I'm also saving all the used film cartridges (is that the right word?), I don't know what for but I want to do something with them! I've seen people displaying pictures in them though... Any ideas?

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk (I’m so sorry for this stupidly long post)

#polaroid #Polaroid go #polaroid film #Polaroid tips #instant photography #neddea #my art #my stuff #I wish this post existed when I first got the camera #I would have saved money lmao #experimenting with instant film is fun but EXPENSIVE #hope this is helpful to anyone out there in the wild #there’s not much of a Polaroid community on Tumblr though #this will probably be buried in the timeline #my polaroid journey

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stuckybarton · 3 years

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Sucker For Pain i

SUMMARY: You were new to the team, but what everyone didn't know was you weren't so new to the God of Mischief. CHARACTERS: Loki Laufeyson x Ex!Reader [Ex to Lovers again?] WARNINGS: Profanities. Suggestive Themes. Slight Angst and horrible self-image. Grammar Mistakes. English not being my first language. [Not Beta’d tho] WORDS: 2,956 CHAPTERS: [1/3] A/N; Life happened and yeah, didn’t have much time to write. Not my best work for this mini-series, but I’m fighting through for this. Hope you guys enjoy~

PART TWO | PART THREE

MASTERLIST || Join the Taglist

"Agent Y/N Y/L/N." You introduced yourself the first moment you were escorted into the compound by Director Nick Fury. Multiple sets of faces both new and old had come to greet you. For a moment you wouldn't even believe that this is was the new life you would find yourself to be a part of from now on.

Years in the job for SHIELD before disappearing off the grid to get as much information about HYDRA, everyone had thought you had betrayed them and you had accepted that they would think so lowly of you after all the near-deaths you had to endure on the job. Even with the mission becoming more of a death wish, you had accepted the role Nick had given you all those years ago and now you were rewarded, immensely. A spot on the Avengers as part of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

The familiar face of Nat was the first to greet you with a hug. A fiercely tight one, it had been so long since you've seen a friend. Then your eyes fell towards the rest of the team; Bucky Barnes, who you had a few close encounters with during your time with HYDRA. You had witness everything they had done to him and stood on trail to clean his name. Steve Rogers, who, with Sharon Carter, had assisted in guarding Steve while SHIELD was still under HYDRA's control. But among the familiar faces, one stood out the most.

Loki Laufeyson.

To many, the man was a snake, a God that had once brought death and destruction in New York. But to you, he was different, this was the man that you had spent your lonely nights with while under the guise of a traitor. It had once just been a physically thing between the two of you, neither wanting to know about each other's lives. You knew he was a God, a man that had wronged the world, but he had never known about you, the woman that had painted yourself as a traitor for the better of the world. The one that had been called every name on the book for the sake of making sure you did your part right.

Then it got serious between the two of you. Admission of love was told between both of your lips. But it was dangerous for you two to be together especially when you were already told by Fury that you can come back to the surface. You didn't know what side he was on, and you did not have the heart to make him choose if the time would come.

So you two parted. A month ago. The pain still throbbing you like an unattended bullet hole right through your heart. It was still so painful to look at him and not remember him crumbling on his knees begging you to stay. The first sob that escaped his lips and forever haunted your dreams. A never-ending loop in the back of your head as your demons screamed at you for breaking an already broken man.

"I for one am happy you're finally here. Another woman to add to an already Man's Man world in the compound." Nat teased glancing towards the other individuals that had come to know the new face. "With introductions out of the way, you've got a lot of explaining to do for the past few years."

You could only smile at your friend. You did have so much to explain to her, things had been murky between you and Clint, but after everything, Nat had refused to believe you would betray them, betray her, and it was finally a relief to be able to return back home, seeing the people that mean the most to you.

"Tell me about it." You muttered allowing Nat to quickly pull your away from the crowd, but it missed your eyes how he was still looking. Ice blue eyes a contract to the burning gaze he had towards you.

Forget about him. Forget about him. You were here for a new opportunity. No him. Never him.

For the next few weeks, everyone had grown to accept you in your new role as part of the Avengers. You kept up with Steve, Bucky, and Sam during their runs. Sam more than happy to finally have someone that had the same pace as him, but only for you to laugh and out run him just to get a reaction out of the high flier. Tony and Bruce had also found a kinship in you, having provided them enough information about HYDRA's experiments and location made most of their missions easier. Then there was Nat and Clint, your confidant in this new life. Every single moment that was not dedicated to a mission was spent with them; may it be movie night or a simple get together outside the compound, often times bringing Wanda and Vision along just to mess with you and call you a 5th wheel of the group.

But among number of members on the team, everyone had noticed you constantly avoided one Thor Odinson and one Loki Laufeyson. The only real time you would even dare talk to either of the brothers would be during training--other than that, you tried your best to avoid them, Loki most especially. Every single moment that would force the two of you to be in the same room, Loki had a glare while you tried your best to avoid his gaze.

Everyone noticed, everyone didn't seem to worry too much. It comes with having a former-villain part of the team. They thought you would eventually get used to the God's presence just as much as they did.

"You ever gonna tell me what's going on between you and Loki?" Nat inquired avoiding your punch.

What you hated the most about sparring with Nat was her capability of multitasking. Talking and snooping about someone else's business while also kicking their ass in the process--this was the predicament you were in right in this very moment.

"Nothing is going on." You muttered landing back first on the mat after being thrown like a rag doll by Nat. Eyes looking at the ceiling, you wondered if it was a good idea to actually come clean to her about her past with the God of Mischief. "I know what he's done to New York and I think you can't blame me for taking precaution when it comes to him."

Nat now comes hovering on top of you, the narrowed eyes and gentle smirk was all you needed to know--she knew it was bullshit. But when she had stopped pushing you for more information, it was enough for you to just change the subject.

"They found Dominic?" You inquired. One of the first big missions that everyone was focusing on was one of the leading Scientist for HYDRA. With the exposure of HYDRA to the world, some of them had moved away and found themselves in much shadier company, much to everyone's radar now spiking.

Dominic Wagner was, in part, partially responsible for the Winter Soldier program in the modern era. One of the pioneers in moving the project into a much younger sets of test subjects. You lost contact with the man as soon as your got back into the surface, but it had also meant a target was on your back when they found out you were a double agent.

"He's in Russia. Wasting away all the funding for the program with parties" Nat points out. "Still a better way to spend the money that abducting kids everywhere."

You nodded, memories of files upon files for the prospects still haunted you to this day.

"When are you taking him out?" You inquired. In your time with the SHIELD, the red in both of your ledger had made you two a hot commodity if the situation present itself as shoot to kill. Neither of you would hesitate. You knew you would now, after everything, but if it means one less bad people in this earth, you would swallow your new morals.

"Fury wants him alive." She pointed out finally standing back up to her own two feet, leaving you on your back, staring at the ceiling in deep thought. "I know as much as you do, we want him dead for everything he has done, but we need him alive so we can get the others."

You nodded, this was one of the few things you had to get used to as part of the team. Death was best solution in SHIELD--at least in your team, not here. As long as you were part of Steve's team, you would need to choose whether or not killing would be the best option. Hope that you weren't so blessed to be given in your time under.

"I get a first shot when we don''t have any use of him anymore." You muttered finally standing back up with Nat's help. Steps faltering at the sight of the God of Mischief, training with the likes of Peter Parker, Sam Wilson, and Bucky Barnes. A weird mix up, but wasn't hard to understand why.

"Why don't you shoot your shots with him for now." Nat teased, finally making you break from staring at the plain black shirt and green sweatshort-clad Loki Laufeyson. "If we try to ignore the death count during his attack, he is sort-of your type in men." Nat wiggled her brows. quick to avoid you as you attempted to swat her in the ass, eyes now turned away from God and his training partners.

"By type, you mean psychotic with possible Daddy-issue? Then you might just be right." You snort.

"I'm offended you think of me as such, Darling"

Jerking your head to the owner of the voice, how the hell did he sneak up behind you without you noticing. You glanced at Nat in panic and like the traitor that she was, made a terrible excuse of being needed in Bruce's lab. Now being left in the man's presence, you could all but remember the last time you had been this close to the man.

Heartbreaks.

Words that you didn't mean.

Words that he didn't mean.

It still hurt you, and you were sure it hurts him just as much, if not more now, finally realizing why there had been a need for a breakup between the two of them all those weeks ago.

"Here I thought I would have someone to trust. You mortals continue to disappoint me." He hissed.

Your eyes glanced at the other training trio, noticing all three of them were in their own little world to even noticed what was going on between the two of them.

"Tell me, Darling..." He whispered, head leaning towards the shell of your ears. The familiar shiver run through your skin as just his voice. Memories of the very things his silver tongue had whispered had you flustered and breathless, more than from your earlier training with Nat. "Was it satisfying to play with a God?"

Before you could even mutter a word, his constantly gentle hand now covered your jaw, emitting a squeak from your lips and stopping you from saying a word. He was never this forceful, nor did he do anything that would hurt you. Was this the true nature of the man you had finally thought you have been the best part of you. To have loved a man that everyone was right to stay away from?

"Or is it shame finally coming to you, to be ever involved with someone like me?"

You tried to pry his hand away from you, but he was too strong--stronger than you could ever think of being.

"Or is this you taking your opportunity to move from one bed to another? Who will it be this time, Y/N? My oaf of a brother or will it be Soldier out of time? Who will you whore this time?"

And you finally snapped. With a resounding slap, all three individuals had heard your attack on the man and Loki finally releasing his hold on your jaws. A chuckle escaped his lips and only brought the first line of tears to fall from your eyes. You never wanted to believe him to be a monster, but here he was, proving her wrong.

"I am in doubt of the foundation of our relationship for the past years, Y/N. I am the God of Mischief and Lies and the only mortal I had ever truly opened to had done this to me. Lied to me for such a long time, lied about the entirety of our relationship."

"You will never understand."

"Oh no," he chuckled darkly, eyes glaring straight into your own. "I understand well enough to know, you would never love someone like me and I deserve every lie and heartache I am enduring because of everything I have ever done in my past."

Before you could defend yourself and the genuinity of your relationship with the God, he had made his excuse. Leaving you to ponder of the true damage of your breakup with Loki, and the aftermath it had now held for the both of you. He was right, you had lied, and either way, their relationship will fall apart because of those lies.

He was the God of Mischief and Lies.

Yet, he did not expect for this biggest lie to break him the most. The separation had been painful, he had always hoped for a better life with you. Then a month passed since your breakup, he sees you, it hits him like a sharp knife to the chest all over again. He experience the pain of a stab to the chest, but it would never compare to the pain of seeing you in this very compound with the truth of your life that you refused to ever open to him.

This was karma coming to haunt him it seems.

It had been well over a week now since the first time he had actually confronted you about everything. It wasn't how he planned for things to go through. He never wanted to hurt you, but he was a monster after all. A monster that his own father had told his people to avoid. A bedtime story to scare mischievous kids into submission.

He had always thought after everything he had to endure, had to do, had to escape, he could finally live a peaceful life. A life to finally start anew. A life where he could finally change for the best. A mortal woman had made him make those ideas come into reality, you had always became the reason why he would never have his redemption in life.

A bitter idea with no possible resolution.

How could he have ever believed that anyone would ever love someone like him? After everything he had ever done, he was never allowed to be loved. You had proved that somehow.

'Mr. Laufeyson, you are needed for a meeting with the team'

Breaking from his little bubble. He sighed finally returning back to reality, into the little comforts the library could give him. The week had been gruelling for him, three individual witnessed the altercation between himself and you. It had spread like wildfire, but thanking the Gods that no one was able to listen to the conversation.

He had to endure most of the questioning. In everyone's eyes, he was, after all, still under everyone's constant scrutiny. A man that no one could trust. But he refused to say a single word knowing you did the same thing. It was better to keep your mouth shut instead of letting people know exactly what had happened. Somehow that brought a smile on his face. He might not share a future with you, but might as well make the most out of making your life a living hell, as much you did it to him.

Shutting the book he was barely even reading, he placed the book back into the shelf before walking his way towards the meeting room.

He could easily teleport, but he preferred to enjoy his moments of peace without his oaf of a brother breathing down his neck or Stark constantly testing his patience with his quips. It also gave him a moment to school his features, he knew well enough about the mission to know you would also be in attendance. Be more invested in this mission than anyone else.

It was a few things he was relearning about you now that you were out in the open as everyone claims you to be. You were a free spirited being that could meld with anyone you were in the area with. He had watched you throw relentless jabs at Tony during your first few days that had the man surprisingly raise a white flag. But the most dangerous thing he had to learn was the familial relationship you had with one Natasha Romanoff and Clint Burton, two people that he kept his distance with the most.

"Professor Snape has finally graced us with his presence."

Loki has learned since joining the team to choose his battle when it comes to Tony. This was one of those moment. Finding a vacant chair besides his brother, he had taken his seat. A big mistake on his part as he finds from across the table, you sat. In between a glaring Romanoff and Barton.

Wearing a smirk, just to get on the two super spies' nerve, he turned his attention right back into the meeting. He begins formulating a few little schemes to not only get on the two's nerved, but most especially yours.

#loki laufeyson oneshot #loki laufeyson one shot #loki laufeyson imagine #loki laufeyson imagines #loki laufeyson x reader #loki laufeyson x you #loki laufeyson x y/n #loki one shot #loki oneshot #loki imagines #loki imagine #loki x reader #loki x you #loki angst #loki fluff #sucker for pain

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onlyherefortheshowmances · 3 years

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So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

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drferox · 4 years

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Hierarchy of Evidence

Science Literacy Lesson #2

Here’s the thing about science: it’s trying to prove itself wrong. All the time. And if it fails to prove a hypothesis wrong, then it concludes it must be getting closer to the truth.

Not that it has discovered the truth, just that it is closer. This is why important concepts in science are termed Theories, they are inviting you to test them, to challenge them, to prove them wrong. Calling something a Theory does not mean it’s unproven. The Theory of Evolution is on equal footing as the Theory of Gravity, but you don’t see many people jumping off rooftops because ‘Gravity is just a Theory!’

(Compare this to dogma that actively discourages questioning or challenging it)

But how we gather that evidence is subject to a hierarchy. Not all evidence is equal, not all ‘proof’ is valid and this information gets ranked. This is infuriating for science people talking to non-science people who don’t know why these things are ranked as they are.

So since it’s topical, and in some discussions it’s always topical, here’s one basic Hierarchy of Evidence in ascending order, with examples below the cut:

An anecdote (doesn’t really count tbh)

Expert Opinion

Case Study

Series of Case Studies

Case Control Studies

Randomized Controlled Trials

Double blind randomized controlled trials

Systemic reviews of those controlled trials

Details below the cut

Anecdote: An Anecdote is the personal experience of one person. It does not have enough case numbers behind it for statistical analysis (1 in 1000 odds still happen sometimes, does not mean it’s common) and often not enough detail to extrapolate onto the wider population. For example: A dog doing well on a particular type of food, one person winning tattslotto, one person attributing their survival of an illness to eating only fruit.

Expert Opinion: An expert opinion is the personal opinion of one person who is highly educated and well read on the topic, providing it is on the topic they are an expert in. For example, while I might provide an expert opinion on a general veterinary medicine topic, I wouldn’t be qualified to provide an expert opinion on the relative benefits of one chemotherapy agent versus another in feline lymphoma. You have to keep the scope in context. But this is just a statement, an opinion. It’s not backed up by experiments or data unless that opinion specifically references them in which case you’re really deferring to the experimental data, not the expert’s opinion. Experts are informed, but they don’t make reality. And expert opinion should change in the face of higher ranked evidence. For example: Immunology professor saying you should vaccinate your kids, 99% of scientists saying climate change is a real effect and serious problem

Case Study: Now we’re getting somewhere! Not far, but somewhere! A Case Study is kind of like an anecdote, except somebody has actually written it up in detail to share with the wider scientific community, and open it up to criticism. It’s not enough evidence on it’s own to usually form a conclusion, but it useful for things that are rare (eg endangered species, rare cancers) or very, very new when there hasn’t been time to do a more in depth study. For example, a case study about dog food causing morbidity in captive red pandas, case studies on an emerging condition.

Series of Case Studies: Similar to above, but where the case study might only have one data point, a series of case studies has multiple data points, all written up in detail. When patterns are playing out in multiple instances, it allows some trends to be guessed at, but the evidence provided is still so-so. You are still only observing and writing down what has happened, this is still not actually an experiment as you’d know it. For example, a case series of multiple rare cancers treated at the same hospital over a 10 year period.

Case Control Studies: More observations over larger numbers of subjects attempting to narrow down one factor. For example, you might take a group of people with lung cancer and compare them to a similar group of people matched for age and sex without lung cancer, and look for lifestyle or exposure differences, eg smoker status. Or looking at dogs and matching two groups for age/breed/sex and comparing illnesses with the age of desexing.

Randomized Controlled Trials: Finally we’re getting to the real experimenting! You have two groups, one gets the treatment/experimental variable (a drug, food, etc) and the other gets a placebo. Subjects get randomly assigned into each group and you look for statistical differences between the two groups. This is how most basic experiments are done.

Double Blind Randomized Controlled Trials: The good stuff! This is where the hard science is at! Double Blind means that not only are your subjects randomly assigned to different groups (the thing you are testing and placebo), but the subjects do not know which group they are in and the researchers do not know who is in which groups. This is to eliminate reporting bias. This might be done to test therapeutic applications of a medication, or pet food diet. It’s typically something you can administer and measure the results. A properly done Double Blind Randomized Controlled Trial is very strong evidence.

Systemic Reviews: What’s better than a DBRCT? Multiple Double Blind Randomized Controlled Trials that have had their results compared and analyzed together. For example, a systemic review of multiple pet feeding trials, or a systemic review of all treatment papers for a particular condition in the last 20 years.

Now you know what these things are and mean, it gives you an idea of how much faith to put into any given report. A case study? Interesting, might be worth a look but could go either way. Randomized controlled trial? Pretty good, probably useful data. Systemic reviews? We can have a lot of trust in conclusions from a thorough systemic review.

#science literacy #understanding science #experiments #science communication #please reblog with questions rather than send asks as it's easier to keep information in one place

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karenwilson · 3 years

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Buck and his romantic relationships

Honestly there is so much to dig into when it comes to Buck and his romantic relationships. There are some constants that can be found in nearly all of his relationships and some things that are constantly changing and evolving.

One think that strikes me about the women he has dated were strong and independent or arrived there at the end. Abby, Ali, Taylor, even Veronica they all stood their ground and were their own champions. They put their needs and mental & physical well-being first, something that society always expects women not to do. It's something I actually really appreciate about their storylines even if it comes with Buck being unhappy. None of the women set out to hurt him, they just didn't want to put themselves second. And that is perfectly okay.

But let's dive deeper into each of his relationships. Bear with me, it's a long one.

Abby Clark

Abby was his first serious relationship and now we know why. Due to his upbringing and his parents' abusive behaviour he never really forged any important relationships apart from Maddie. I think it got even worse when he got the jeep as he skipped from place to place, never staying for long anywhere. He didn't have ties anywhere and that made him restless and only seek out sex to forge some intimacy because that was all he thought he could get and something that would hurt him the least.

Anyway with Abby he was able to connect with a woman (one he wasn't working with anyway) on a deeper level. It only worked because it didn't start out as something physical. He didn't know what she looked, only knew her voice and good heart. I doubt they even would've met had it not been for the 911 calls, because they have so little in common.

Buck is actually pretty self-aware when it comes to his behaviour around women but hasn't really faced it before. That's why he tells her that he thinks it isn't a good idea if they meet, because he's worried he'll revert back to his usual coping strategies and it'll end up with him losing their connection.

But we also see that he's inexperienced and that although he knows how to seduce women he's lacking self-confidence in other aspects. He doesn't know unconditional love apart from Maddie and even that trust was broken when she didn't leave with him, when she left him behind. So he often worries he'll do something wrong and put her off; he goes over the top to get her attention - which he has done before in his life. Remember, he could only ever get his parents' attention when he did something big and reckless.

Abby has her own shit to deal with and Buck doesn't really know what to do with that in the beginning. It's not the light-hearted, sweet relationship he might have been hoping for but instead serious and heavy. But helped by Bobby's advice he works through his doubts and puts himself out there, puts Abby first. He always puts other people first, because that's who he is (and lbr, it's not healthy). Sadly to his own detriment because he is more invested than she is; Abby has her sick mother to take care of and is drawn in several directions at once. That's a heavy burden for anyone, especially someone working fulltime. She doesn't want to put her mother in a home as it wouldn't feel right but I also think it comes from a place of societal pressure for women to take care of other people. When her mother dies I actually thought it was a very real and important step for Abby to take put herself first, to take care of her own needs and do something that's vital to her claiming herself again.

I think Buck understands why she has to go but it still leaves him with the impression that he's never good enough, that people always leave. Because that's the experience he's made in life and nothing has changed that for him yet. And I totally get where he is coming from, that he believes it's his fault that she leaves, that he isn't good enough, that she doesn't love him enough. I do believe Abby never felt as deeply for Buck as he did for her but even if she did, sometimes love doesn't fix people. Abby was broken and exhausted and that's something Buck couldn't help with but that doesn't mean he wasn't enough.

She definitely did him dirty by leaving him in the dark and not giving him a clean break when she knew she was ready to move on.

Thanks to Maddie and the 118 he was able to partly work through those issues and put himself out there again.

Ali Martin

To be honest, Buck dating Ali came out of nowhere for me. Yes, they did connect a bit at the beginning of season two but I honestly didn't see her coming back as a love interest for Buck.

(And is it just me or do I just not remember it but Bobby stopped giving Buck relationship advice after Abby???)

But I thought they were really cute when they were together; the show just didn't make a very good job of establishing their relationship. They had to few scenes on the show but that was by design. I think the show never intended to keep Ali around, she was (sadly) just a plot device for the show to propel Buck's development. It established Buck's behaviours and the patterns in his romantic relationships. He years for deeper connections and a serious romantic relationship that he gets in too deep too fast. Buck doesn't do shit halfway, he gives it his all.

With Ali he was able to go the next steps of moving on from Abby, he had someone who made him happy for a while but of course the show had to reassert that people leave Buck, further damaging his self-esteem. I think it's perfectly understandable for her wanting to end their relationship at this point, when remaining in it would cause her too much pain and grief by always being worried about Buck and whether he would come home that night, would still be alive. That's a lot for anyone to deal with. So it was better for her to get out at that point instead of dragging it out and therefore making it more painful for both of them when it eventually ended.

But Buck doesn't view it as her leaving because of the dangers of his job but because of him. So yet another person leaves him because he's not enough, not right. Being a firefighter is important to Buck, he sees it as his calling, something he is good at and feels right. He defines himself by his job and that ends up doing damage, especially after the bombing and his subsequent leg injury. Buck feels lost when he can't do his job anymore because he feels like he IS his job. That's why Maddie telling him he's good enough and is worth everything even without his job was so important. His job is an important part of who he is but he isn't his job.

Taylor Kelly

I think with Taylor we saw the mere-exposure effect. Buck has a bit of a thing for voices as we first saw with Abby. With Taylor he knew her voice, heard her whenever he drove to work and obviously liked what he was hearing. And when he met her during that accident he was attracted to her not just by voice but by her looks as well.

Because of his dating experience with Abby and Ali and generally just trying to be a good person, he doesn't want Taylor to get the wrong idea. He likes her, possibly wants to get to know her more and doesn't want to leave her with the wrong impression. Taylor isn't having any of it, because she knows what she wants and what she wants isn't a relationship with him when they first meet. She's young, confident, successful and takes what she needs.

For Buck he has to cut the cord before he gets in too deep. He knows what he wants now and he doesn't want to fall back into his old habits of having sex and not having a meaningful connection. And if he doesn't get out he might fall too fast too hard already knowing it won't go anywere. Plus Taylor tries to expose secrets about his work family and quasi-dad and that would never work. Even if Buck wants romantic love he's not going to step on his 118 family to get it.

When they meet again more than a year later there are no hard feelings (whether that's amnesia on the writers' part or Buck has come to terms with her behaviour we don't know [yet]). Due to their previous actions Buck seems to think Taylor isn't a human being with feelings and hasn't been changed by the pandemic as well. I love Buck but it's ironic that he didn't want to hurt her in season two but inadvertently does so by using her as a shield in season four without her consent. I don't like what he did at all and Taylor was absolutely right on hanging him out to dry on that "double date" and calling him out on him using her like this, by not telling her what she was about to walk into. From her reaction we know he presented the situation differently because he (rightly) figured she might not come otherwise.

It'll be interesting for me to see where their relationship is going. I'd love for them to become friends and see where it takes them from there.

Veronica

I'm only including her for two reasons: She was Buck's first step to dipping his toe back into the dating pool again and acted as a catalyst to rekindle/change Buck and Taylor's relationship. Plus she also fits the strong woman type Buck goes for (although she additionally has a no-fucks-given attitude and isn't here to coddle anyone and their feelings).

To be honest, looking back on it Buck felt a bit OOC to me during their date. I mean yeah, he's just starting to date again and isn't used to doing it anymore and people change but... He didn't have a problem talking to Ali, Abby, Taylor or any of the women he chatted up with at bars and other places before. Why would he suddenly get so flustered? Even if they started on the wrong foot and he put his foot in his mouth... it just like it was put by the writers there for the laughs and not because it's how Buck would (re)act?? It just feels weird to me now. What did feel real to me was his need to impress her and makes sure she likes him, because Buck needs to be liked and he's really uncomfortable with somone not liking him and not knowing where he stands. He needs to clear the air now, to know what's going on so he can move on. After Abby and being left to doubt himself and being left in the dark about where they stand has left a mark on him (see also him making sure to talk it out with the 118 and especially Eddie after the lawsuit).

Well, that's it for now.

#911 #911 fox #evan buckley #abby clark #ali martin #taylor kelly #maddie buckley #anns meta #i kind of want to do this for his familial and work relationships as well #and also the way his and eddie's friendship/relationship has developed compared to that #but i'm tired

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bonjour-rainycity · 4 years

Text

The Long Way Around ~ Chapter 6

Link to previous part: https://bonjour-rainycity.tumblr.com/post/623283543296049154/the-long-way-around-chapter-5

Pairing: Jasper x Reader

Word count: 1954

Warnings: None

Jasper’s POV

I sigh, trying to concentrate on the papers before me. Once Y/n came into our lives, I had decided to halt my studies at school. She arrived during the summer so it wasn’t like anyone would notice my sudden, and perhaps suspicious, disappearance from class, but my family agreed that we could really only afford for one or two of us to deviate from our cover story. So once classes resumed in the fall, all but I continued attendance at the local university. Once she found out, Y/n had lamented at my loss of education and insisted I continue studying at least something of interest. She didn’t seem to understand how little a year or two out of school would affect me, given how many times I’ve gone through both high school and varying post-graduate degrees. But still, the gesture was kind so I agreed and have sent spent a few hours every day since that conversation brushing up on my world history. Right now I’m camped in the basement where we keep our extensive library (excluding the volumes found in Carlisle’s office and our individual rooms) digging through first-hand accounts of Otto von Bismarck’s rise to influence. It’s interesting enough, but still, my attention is elsewhere. At least half of my focus is upstairs, carefully monitoring Y/n’s moods. She’s become much more even as time passes, but still, not keeping tabs on her makes me nervous. Newborns are so unpredictable and so reliant on their emotions that at any moment, she could react badly and cause herself or someone else harm. It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s just that I know how this goes. And I would hate myself if anything happened to my family or Y/n, especially if I could have done something to prevent it.

She’s been struggling recently with missing her family and friends, and that’s always difficult. For most of us, we had been immediately taken away from our loved ones plus had been changed during a time when news recordings and social media didn’t exist. Y/n does not have that luxury. At least once a week, she’ll find some news source with reports from her parents or come across a social media page of one of her friends. It breaks her heart. Secretly, I had gone to Carlisle and discussed the benefits of moving. It only adds to Y/n’s pain being only a handful of miles from the people she loves, and perhaps moving away would aid in her healing. But Carlisle shot the idea down, citing our advantageous location and the dangers of moving cross-country with a volatile newborn. So, instead, I sought to distract her. One of the reasons she felt bad about stopping my schooling is because her own had been paused suddenly due to her untimely death. So, I loaned her a few of my old textbooks, which she has been studying relentlessly. Carlisle also offered his services, and it’s not uncommon to find Y/n perched in one of the chairs in his office grilling him about everything under the medical sun. All in all, she’s adjusting well. Still, I worry. At the drop of a dime, her control could slip or her emotions could get the best of her. That’s why, when I feel her switch from a relaxed, curious state to one of annoyance, I take notice, and listen.

“You really need to let your human life go, Y/n. At this point, you’re only dragging out your own pain. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway. That life is as lost to you as your soul.”

Now I feel annoyance at my brother’s predictable morose attitude. Even to this day, Edward grapples with losing humanity and, according to him, his soul, and often pushes those feelings onto others. As far as I can tell, Y/n doesn’t believe vampirism has damned her, and I would like to keep Edward from putting those thoughts in her head. They simply aren’t true.

Y/n responds with a biting tone. “They’re my loved ones, Edward, not yours. Please don’t tell me how to deal with losing them. If you don’t like my thoughts, stay out of my head.”

Rosalie chimes in, always interested in fighting with Edward. “Really, Edward, back off. You’re the one who helped Bella keep her precious humans in our life and risked our exposure, so you’ve no room to talk here.” It was the wrong thing to say. Y/n’s anger flares.

“Hypocrite! That is such a double standard!”

I feel Edward’s anger increase too, and I know they’re filling a keg with powder and readying their matches. I hurry upstairs.

“It’s different. Bella was going through a lot and-”

“And I’m not?” Y/n’s incredulity is plain.

Rosalie scoffs.“What precious Bella wants, she gets. The rest of us are expected to live by a different set of rules.”

“Okay guys, let’s take this down a notch.” Emmett intervenes as I get to the top of the stairs.

“I agree.”

Y/n’s eyes flicker to mine, and I register her guilt. Why?

Whatever’s in her mind causes Edward to scoff. “You’re not bothering him with your emotions, he lives for this stuff. It makes him feel like he has some kind of purpose.”

“You are so pessimistic,” Y/n groans, putting her head in her hands. “Whatever. I am not doing this anymore. I’m going for a walk. Jasper?”

Immediately, I’m at her side, not even needing to think about joining her. It’s just natural, at this point, to be with her.

She smiles tightly as we walk out the back door, and I can tell she’s trying to calm herself down. “Sorry I interrupted your studying.”

I shrug, honestly not bothered at all. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nice to get outside….The leaves are just starting to change.”

Now, her smile becomes much more natural. “Aren’t they gorgeous? It’s even better now that I can see them with these new eyes. And I can hear the crunch when I step on them and the smell of fall is just,” she sighs, a dreamy look in her eye. But then I feel the sadness creep back in.

I’m hesitant to ask, not wanting to upset her further. “Are you alright?”

She bites the inside of her cheek and looks away. When she finally speaks again, her voice is unsteady. “I just really, really miss my family. It’s hard to leave them and come to terms with…what I am. And of course I’m so grateful that I have all of you,—well,” she chuckles darkly, “today I could do without Edward but that’s beside the point.” She trails off, lost in her thoughts.

I look into the horizon, enjoying the light of the setting sun but regretting the added sadness she’s suffered on behalf of my brother. “I’m sorry he upset you. I can talk to him tomorrow-”

“Oh, that’s alright,” she waves a hand, smiling softly. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with your siblings? Argue?”

I chuckle, nodding. We certainly do argue.

She turns to face me then, stopping her walking. “Thank you though.”

The sunlight filters through the trees, hitting our skin and illuminating us. She gasps softly, and I sense her wonderment. She’s seen what the sun does to our skin many times, but it never ceases to amaze her. It’s really sweet. Slowly, she reaches up and lightly trails her fingers over the side of my face where the sun hits. I freeze, not wanting to make any movement that would cause her to stop. I enjoy her touch much more than I would like to admit. It feels so nice to be handled so softly, compared to the harshness I’d become accustomed to in my past. I close my eyes.

“Beautiful,” she breathes, letting her hand fall.

I smile, enjoying this moment. “It is one of the more mesmerizing attributes of this life.”

Now, I feel her playfulness. “You know what else is great? The speed.”

My mood soon matches hers. “Wanna race?”

She frowns, turning in the direction of the house. “Oh, no I think we should-”

And then she’s off, laughing wildly. I shake my head, realizing I’ve just been tricked and, with a laugh of my own, take off at a sprint after her.

{***}

“Jasper,” she starts, sitting down on the rock next to me. “Where are all the other vampires?”

“All over, really, though most tend to avoid especially sunny cities.” I shake water from the river off my hands. A few seconds prior, I’d reached in to grab some pebbles to skip. “We’re the largest coven in the area. Anyone else around here is likely a loner or part of a nomad coven.”

She pauses, thinking. “Doesn’t anyone ever come to visit?”

“Very rarely, and Alice can sometimes give us some warning, though not always. But the nomads that visit usually leave very quickly. We don’t allow them to hunt in this area, as it could raise suspicion and cause problems for us. That tends to make extended stays unappealing.”

“Well, what about friends?”

I smirk. “Vampires don’t really have friends.”

This confuses her. “Then what are you and your family? You’re certainly not just acquaintances.”

I smile, thinking of the best way to explain the complicated relationships between vampires. “Let me rephrase: most vampires don’t have friends. Carlisle theorizes that, because we don’t drink human blood, we’re less animalistic, a little less reliant on our instincts. Instincts that, under normal circumstances, would keep us from forming bonds because other vampires generally pose a threat to getting a meal.” She nods, understanding. “Because we are slightly more, human, for a lack of a better word, we do enjoy friendships and closer relationships, like I have with my adopted siblings. Realistically, though, that’s not how it works at all. For normal vampires, the only type of close relationship they experience is between mates. Those relationships last forever though, so I guess it’s enough to satisfy the need for connection.”

Y/n raises her eyebrows, disbelieving. “You’re telling me immortal vampires are monogamous for life?”

I chuckle. “Apparently, once you find the right one it’s just natural. I’ve seen it happen, felt the feelings they feel. It’s intense.”

She considers this, but says nothing further. Until, “have you ever felt that way?”

Subconsciously, I study the scars on my hands. “I thought I did.”

“With Maria,” she guesses. Y/n knows most of my history, so it’s no surprise that she’s able to put the pieces together of my involvement with Maria. Strangely, I find myself wishing that I could say no, that I’ve never been with with anyone like that. Or, at least, that I’d never been involved with Maria like that.

“Have you,” I counter to distract from my sudden regret.

She shakes her head, a soft smile playing on her lips. “My human memories are fading by the day, but I’m pretty sure the answer is no. My twenty years of life were nothing to write home about.”

Now it’s my turn to smile, somewhat ruefully. “You’ve got millennia ahead of you. I’m sure at least something notable will occur.”

She chuckles, shrugging. “Perhaps. For now, I should just focus on making it through the rest of this year.”

“We’ll get you through it,” I answer, confident.

She hugs her knees into her chest, feeling peaceful. “I believe you.” Then, her playfulness returns. “But step one should be feeding me, because I’m starving.”

I chuckle, stand, and offer her a hand. She grabs it, allowing me to pull her up. “Lead the way.”

A/n Let me know what you thought of this chapter/the characters and if you would like to be added to the tag list! I hope you all have a good day/night <3

xx,

Bjr

Link to next part: https://bonjour-rainycity.tumblr.com/post/623476978292555776/the-long-way-around-chapter-7

Tag list: @puer-de-infinitate @charliestuff @hindustani-diaspora @one-thread-can-save-a-life @salsameter @enchantedcruelsummer @meashy-moo

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adultingautistic · 4 years

Note

To the anon asking about auditory processing disorder and accents: some people have the idea that having difficulty understanding accents is racist. Which is obviously absurd since (like you said) you're not choosing not to understand, but it's still a thing. As someone who struggles with faces, I can tell you mixing up people of the same race is also perceived that way. I guess the assumption is that you're pretending not to recognize/understand people? Idk but I hate it.

I hate this too, though I know where it comes from.

It has to do with the brain and it’s pattern-recognition abilities.

If a person grows up and lives in a place where everyone around them is the same race, then their brain learns to pick out more nuanced patterns in those faces. Now let’s say 10 people of another race, that they have very little experience seeing, move into the town. The brain sees the larger differences in the faces, the ones that society deems “racial” differences, such as eye shape, nose shape, skin tone, etc. Because the person is not used to recognizing patterns in these type of faces, their brain gets stuck on these more obvious differences, and cannot find the smaller nuances that would allow them to distinguish individuals from each other.

This leads to the person saying that the people of the unfamiliar race “all look the same.”

Of course these people do not all look the same, and to them, who have grown up seeing their kind of face, this is an absurd statement, and feels racist.

Using the phrase “X race of people all look the same” has become a very racist thing to say in America for this reason. It is take to mean that the speaker isn’t bothering to notice the nuanced features of people of the other race, when in reality it comes from racial isolation. The thing is, racial isolation does tend to lead towards racist mentalities, as a person who has no experience with another race will tend to think of them as “outsiders” and otherfy them.

So inherently, there is nothing racist about not being able to distinguish the more nuanced patterns of other races’ faces. It’s just how the brain works, and how it does pattern matching. A person will be able to distinguish more nuances in types of faces that they see all the time, and will have more difficulty with types of faces they see less often, simply because more exposure to the brain increases familiarity.

The same is true for accents. A person who is used to hearing one type of accent will have no trouble understanding people who use that accent, but a new accent takes time for the brain to learn and understand.

The problem for autistic people though, is that our brains take longer to process and recognize new patterns than allistic brains. So whereas an allistic person might be able to understand a new accent within a few minutes, it might take us many days of talking to the new person to understand their accent.

It’s unfortunately a very ableist sentiment, because allistics are able to differentiate people from another race but are assumed to be choosing not to do it, whereas people with face-blindness are not able to distinguish between new types of faces for a much longer period or perhaps ever.

As a person who struggles with face blindness and auditory processing disorder, I can completely relate to this, and I have gotten the double-whammy of being called racist because I can’t recognize a face OR understand a voice.

Depending upon who I’m with and who the racist-accuser is, I might chose to just ignore them, or I might try to explain about face blindness.

Not only can I not remember a person’s face, but I also struggle to tell what race they are from their appearance, and this is also considered racist, as saying “I don’t see race�� is a white way of saying “I don’t care about your race or your experiences because of it”, which is still an allistic problem- because of course the allistic can see what race they are, they’re just choosing to ignore it.

So for people like me, who really can’t tell what race a person is sometimes, this is another struggle against ableism.

No, I really can’t see your face, it’s about seeing itself, not about social choices, and I really can’t understand your voice, it’s about hearing itself, not about social choices, and I really can’t see what race you are, because race is a social construct and I struggle with social!

I look at it this way. If a total stranger accuses me of being racist, I ignore them, because they don’t know me and don’t have enough facts about me to make that judgement. When my close black friend tells me I said something racist, I listen to her, because she DOES know me, and it’s part of our friendship that I listen to her feelings and understand why she said that.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #face blindness #auditory processing disorder #racism #ableism #ask

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s-k-y-w-a-l-k-e-r · 4 years

Text

My GIF making process!

I’ve been asked many times for a tutorial, but because I get really detailed, I always get overwhelmed by the idea. But I finally decided to buckle down!

Just so you know: I don’t use PSDs in this, and I don’t import layers to frames or anything like that. I like the hard way—at least in gif making, I believe you get higher quality gifs. Join me as I show you how to make gifs by loading videos directly into the Photoshop timeline and my coloring and sharpening techniques.

Tools used:

Mac OS X (only necessary for the first step, and there are other ways around it with a PC)

Adobe Photoshop

YouTube Purchases (any streaming service will work)

Topics covered:

Obtaining the Source Material

Loading the video file into Photoshop

Prepping, Cropping, and Resizing the Media

Adjustment Layers

Sharpening

Exporting

Obtaining the Source Material

There are a few different methods for obtaining video to work with. Proper YouTube videos are nice, but finding any major motion picture in that format is difficult, if not illegal.

Once I realized I could get really great quality video by doing screen recordings from streaming services, I stopped worrying about finding (and pirating) high resolution video files. So now, I just go to whichever streaming service I need to, pick out the movie or show, find the spot, and record small snippets.

Mac screen recording instructions:

On a Mac, Command+Shift+5 will bring up the screen recording dialogue.

Resize the frame of what you want to record within the browser.

Go to a second or two before, press the “record” button, and then begin playing the video, remembering to keep your cursor out of the recording box.

Use the Space bar to pause your video when you’ve gotten the snippet you need. Stop the screen recording by clicking the ⏹ button that is in your menu bar at the top of the screen.

Important: when the recording appears in the bottom right of your screen, click on it, and then trim the video on either end. This will help your computer convert the video file to the type that can be opened by Photoshop.

Click “done” and it will appear on your desktop, ready to be used!

PC Users: ??? Here’s a Google search I did for you

Loading the video file into Photoshop

Lots of people use this process for making gifs (a great tutorial!). I didn’t even know it existed until last summer, when I’d already been giffing for years. I wish I could still do something like that with these screen recordings, but the files are absolutely HUGE, especially on Macs with double retina displays, which actually increase the dpi by a lot. Making screencaps of them fills up my hard drive, almost immediately—even when I’ve got 20 gigs of free space to work with. So what do we do? We just. Open the file. In Photoshop. Et voila!

You can do this with any type of video, not just screen recordings.

Prepping, Cropping, and Resizing the Media

When Photoshop loads your videos up, it makes the video hilariously fast (something about frame conversion). You must slow it down for it to look natural. THIS MUST BE DONE BEFORE YOU RESZE. Your Photoshop timeline window should be at the bottom of the screen. See that little triangle in the top right of the video?

Click on it, and a menu will appear to change speed and duration.

Change the speed first- usually between 80-85% will seem realistic. (I actually went a little faster than I usually would on this at almost 86%—I don’t recommend this)

Press the button next to duration and pull the toggle all the way to the far right (if you don’t do this, full length of the video will be cut off).

Now you’ll want to crop it. Ever since Tumblr upped its GIF size limit, I have been playing around with 7:5 ratios, but let’s go with 3:2 for now. Use the Crop tool, pick out 3:2 in the top left (it may say 2:3, but you can switch that) and then find the most suitable spot in your gif for that. Hit enter on your keyboard.

Some things to keep in mind when cropping:

Most videos come in 16:9 ratio (BoRhap is even wider). If it’s a wide shot, you’ll need to do the full 16:9 to not lose anything. Of course, experiment and find what’s right for you!

As you can see above, I moved forward in the timeline and made the crop to a point in the video when the broadest movement was happening.

Certain videos WILL have a black or red bar that may be imperceptible until you’ve already exported the gif. Just crop in a little tighter on top and bottom to avoid them.

Now you’ll need to resize your gif to be the correct size for Tumblr. If you don’t use Tumblr’s exact dimensions, your gifs (as uploaded) will appear blurry or pixellated. We’re doing a full-width gif here, which is 540px. On a Mac, I use Command+Option+I (for “Image Size) to open the resize dialogue. You can also find it under Image->Image size...

Make sure to also have “Resample” checked. Lately I’ve been playing around to see if different options are better. Most GIF makers use “Bicubic Sharper (Reduction)” and they are not wrong to do so. I’ve just been unhappy with it lately, so I have been trying this other setting out, “Bicubic (smooth gradients)”.

Click OK. A dialogue may come up that asks if you want to convert to a Smart Object. The answer is yes, okay, do it. The only major caveat is that you can’t go back and change the timeline speed. That’s why we did it first. But you can preview the speed now that it’s smaller, and if you don’t like it, use Command+Z (or “Undo”) and go back a couple steps to get the speed you like.

You may find, especially on a Mac screen (and possibly other displays), that at 100% your gif looks too small to be 540px. That is the curse and blessing of working with super-high resolution hardware. Zoom in to 200% and proceed about your business. This is what it will look like on Tumblr.

You may find it helpful at this point to begin by defining the beginning and end of your gif by moving around these bumpers. It’s safe to keep gifs under 02:00f in length. Under half of 01:00f will be way too short. (I tend to overshoot in length and then trim the beginning and the end once I see how big the gifs are upon exporting.)

Adjustment Layers

Now the creativity and fun begin!

There are a LOT of ways to get creative here. I’m going to keep it simple, very simple, but I strongly recommend opening up a new adjustment layer of each type and trying to figure out what each does!

You’ll find the adjustment layer menu at the bottom of the Layers window.

Curves

There are a lot of ways to make Curves work for you! It can do the job of Brightness/Contrast, it can do Levels, it can do Color Balance! We’re going to use it mainly to help with brightness here, but also to level out some of the tones. One of the quick tricks you can do is use the droppers on the left side of the Properties window. There are three- one with a white tip, one gray, one black. These can help define what your white tones are (and whether they need to be more of one color or another), and so on with your blacks. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t; in this case, I think it doesn’t:

That looks totally blown out and somehow also too dark!

So instead, we’re going to use that little hand with the finger pointing out and some arrows pointing up and down. This lets you define which sections you want to get brighter or darker, and how much. It doesn’t do color correction. In the example below, you can see I dragged up on a white spot and down on a dark spot. Then, I moved points around on the curve itself to refine (which the gif here doesn’t show...).

Vibrance/Saturation x2

Next, I’ve been using @gwil-lee‘s Vibrance/Saturation trick (I know you said you learned it from someone else, but I learned it from you!).

Create a Vibrance Adjustment layer, bump the values up a bunch, and then change its Fill to somewhere between 2-9%. Change the Blend Mode to Color Burn. Then make a copy of that layer keeping everything the same, but make it Color Dodge. I can’t quite define what these do, but it makes it punchier!

Color Balance

Most people are familiar with this. For this gif, I’m going to make the shadows more Cyan/Blue and the highlights more Red/Yellow. Just a few points each.

Exposure

I brought the Exposure up a bit, but not enough for you to need to read about, haha.

Selective Color

Here’s where you make fine adjustments to colors. This particular scene is extremely simple, color-wise, so keep it simple. I’m going to bump up the cyans/blues, take up the black by just a point or two, and maybe bump up the yellows and reds a tiny bit. (And as always, remember, the “opposite” of cyan is red, the opposite of magenta is green, and the opposite of yellow is blue. CMY/RGB!)

I think at this point I’m going to call it with the adjustment layers. You can go absolutely hogwild with more of them! But at this point, I’m ready to start sharpening!

Sharpening

I do three sharpening filters these days. These are all under Filter->Sharpen. Make sure your media layer (default called Layer 1) is selected as we go through this! (Also, this can really take a toll on your processor, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Sharpen- This layer does the basic job

Smart Sharpen (Amount: 10%, Radius: 10, Reduce Noise: 4% Gaussian Blur)- This layer gives texture

Smart Sharpen (Amount: 500, Radius: 0.3, Reduce Noise: 12% Gaussian Blur)- This layer gives refined sharpening and smoothing

Fiddle with these as needed! Let your gif play all the way through- this may go slowly as your processor works on it. Make sure the beginning and end points make sense.

Exporting

After You’re going to have to use File->Export->Save For Web (Legacy)... or use the shortcut of Shift+Option+Command+S. This could take some time for the dialogue to pop up! Be patient.

In my opinion, these are the best gif export settings for crisp edges and no noise:

Now you see how big the file is in the bottom left. Tumblr won’t let you upload anything bigger than 10MB and it’s safer to stay under 9MB, in my experience. When your gif is too big, you have a couple options. You can close the dialogue and change the length of your gif.

OR, you can uncheck “Interlaced” and bump up the lossy to 1 or or more. This will create noise. Sometimes, that’s a good thing!

Here’s without lossy:

Here’s WITH lossy: (Honestly in a fast moving gif like this, it’s almost imperceptible, but I can see it!)

And now that I’ve exported, I can see what there’s a little black line on the bottom! So I’m going to trim that off and call it good! You can see the full gifset here.

Hope you enjoyed! Reblog if you try this out or learned anything. Feel free to reach out with questions any time!

#gif tutorial #tutorial #creator tag #my gifs #rami malek

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xhxhxhx · 4 years

Text

Barack Obama's 2000 primary run against Bobby Rush for Illinois's first congressional district was the only race he ever lost.

Although Obama won the Hyde Park precincts around the University of Chicago and the white suburbs around Evergreen Park and Mount Greenwood, Representative Rush dominated in the Black precincts in this majority-Black district on Chicago's South Side.

“Nobody sent me,” Obama had said at his campaign kickoff, on September 26, 1999. “I’m not part of some long-standing political organization. I have no fancy sponsors. I’m not even from Chicago." The primary results underlined that.

As Ryan Lizza later reported, the results made Obama rethink some things:

Obama learned the exact nature of his appeal, as well as his handicaps. Unlike Obama’s State Senate district, where the University of Chicago and the multicultural Hyde Park produced most of the votes, Rush’s congressional district extended deep into black neighborhoods where Obama was unknown. His academic background was a burden, too. Will Burns explained, “Even though the University of Chicago is one of the largest employers on the South Side of Chicago, it is seen by some, particularly black nationalists, as a bastion of white political power, as a huge entity that doesn’t take into account the interests of the community, that doesn’t have a full democratic partnership with the community, and does what it wants to the community in maintaining clear boundaries about where black people are. It’s seen as an expansive force, trying to expand into Bronzeville and into Woodlawn”—historically black neighborhoods adjacent to Hyde Park—“and put poor blacks out of the area. The University of Chicago is not a brand that helps you if you’re trying to get votes on the South Side of Chicago.”

Obama’s fund-raising success and his professional networks were also viewed with suspicion. Chicago is still a city of villages, and Obama was adept at gliding back and forth between the South Side, where he campaigned for votes, and the wealthy Gold Coast, the lakefront neighborhood of high-rise condominiums and deluxe shopping, where he raised money. One day in Hyde Park, I mentioned the name Bettylu Saltzman (the Project Vote supporter and daughter of a Bulls owner) to Lois Friedberg-Dobry (the South Side operator). “I don’t run in those circles,” she said. Later, over lunch with Saltzman at a café in a gourmet supermarket on the Gold Coast, I mentioned the Dobrys and Obama’s Independent Voters of Illinois friends, and she said, “You know, the North Side and the South Side of Chicago—it’s like two different worlds.”

A South Side operator named Al Kindle, a large man with a booming voice, was a field operator for Obama’s race against Rush. He had helped elect Harold Washington, and he saw Obama’s congressional campaign from the street level. We met one evening at Calypso Café, a Caribbean restaurant that Obama has said is his favorite place to eat in Hyde Park, and Kindle described some of the worst moments in the campaign. “The accusations were that Obama was sent here and owned by the Jews,” Kindle said. “That he was here to steal the black vote and steal black land and that he was represented by the—as they were called—‘the white man.’ And that Obama wasn’t black enough and didn’t know the black experience, the black community. It was quite deafening in terms of how they went after Alderman Preckwinkle and myself. People would say, ‘Oh, Kindle, man, we trust you, you being fooled. Obama’s got you fooled.’ And some people called me a traitor.”.

The loss taught Obama a great deal about the components of his natural coalition. According to Dan Shomon, the first poll that Obama conducted revealed that the demographic he could win over most easily was white voters. Obama, who hadn’t shown any particular gift for oratory in the race, now learned to shed his stiff approach to campaigning—described by Preckwinkle as that of an “arrogant academic.” Mikva told me, “The first time I heard him talk to a black church, he was very professorial, more so even than he was in the white community. There was no joking, no self-deprecation, no style. It didn’t go over well at all.”

But, as he had in his 1996 campaign, Obama had attracted a young and zealous corps of campaign workers. “I remember one of the candidates in the race used to talk about how crazed our volunteers were, because they were passionate, energized,” Will Burns said. “You’d come by the office on Eighty-seventh Street and there’d be a bunch of guys with no teeth waiting to get their next Old Grand-dad and then these Shiraz-drinking, Nation-reading, T.N.R.-quoting young black folk. It was a random-ass mix. It was beautiful, though. When I see the crowds now, they’re very reminiscent of what was happening then.”

Emil Jones told me that, after 2000, Obama moved decisively away from being pigeonholed as an inner-city pol. During one debate with Rush, he noted that he and the other candidates were all “progressive, urban Democrats.” Even though he lost, that primary taught him that he might be something more than that. “He learned that for Barack Obama it was not the type of district that he was well suited for,” Jones said. “The type of campaign that he had to run to win that district is not Barack Obama. It was a predominantly African-American district. It was a district where you had to campaign solely on those issues. And Barack did not campaign that way, and so as a result he lost. Which was good.” Meaning, it was good for Barack Obama.

After the State Senate was redistricted in 2001, Obama's district looked very different:

One day in the spring of 2001, about a year after the loss to Rush, Obama walked into the Stratton Office Building, in Springfield, a shabby nineteen-fifties government workspace for state officials next to the regal state capitol. He went upstairs to a room that Democrats in Springfield called “the inner sanctum.” Only about ten Democratic staffers had access; entry required an elaborate ritual—fingerprint scanners and codes punched into a keypad. The room was large, and unremarkable except for an enormous printer and an array of computers with big double monitors. On the screens that spring day were detailed maps of Chicago, and Obama and a Democratic consultant named John Corrigan sat in front of a terminal to draw Obama a new district. Corrigan was the Democrat in charge of drawing all Chicago districts, and he also happened to have volunteered for Obama in the campaign against Rush.

Obama’s former district had been drawn by Republicans after the 1990 census. But, after 2000, Illinois Democrats won the right to redistrict the state. Partisan redistricting remains common in American politics, and, while it outrages a losing party, it has so far survived every legal challenge. In the new century, mapping technology has become so precise and the available demographic data so rich that politicians are able to choose the kinds of voter they want to represent, right down to individual homes. A close look at the post-2000 congressional map of Bobby Rush’s district reveals that it tears through Hyde Park in a curious series of irregular turns. One of those lines bypasses Obama’s address by two blocks. Rush, or someone looking out for his interests, had carved the upstart Obama out of Rush’s congressional district.

In truth, Rush had little to worry about; Obama was already on a different political path. Like every other Democratic legislator who entered the inner sanctum, Obama began working on his “ideal map.” Corrigan remembers two things about the district that he and Obama drew. First, it retained Obama’s Hyde Park base—he had managed to beat Rush in Hyde Park—then swooped upward along the lakefront and toward downtown. By the end of the final redistricting process, his new district bore little resemblance to his old one. Rather than jutting far to the west, like a long thin dagger, into a swath of poor black neighborhoods of bungalow homes, Obama’s map now shot north, encompassing about half of the Loop, whose southern portion was beginning to be transformed by developers like Tony Rezko, and stretched far up Michigan Avenue and into the Gold Coast, covering much of the city’s economic heart, its main retail thoroughfares, and its finest museums, parks, skyscrapers, and lakefront apartment buildings. African-Americans still were a majority, and the map contained some of the poorest sections of Chicago, but Obama’s new district was wealthier, whiter, more Jewish, less blue-collar, and better educated. It also included one of the highest concentrations of Republicans in Chicago.

“It was a radical change,” Corrigan said. The new district was a natural fit for the candidate that Obama was in the process of becoming. “He saw that when we were doing fund-raisers in the Rush campaign his appeal to, quite frankly, young white professionals was dramatic.”

Obama’s personal political concerns were not the only factor driving the process. During the previous round of remapping, in 1991, Republicans had created Chicago districts where African-Americans were the overwhelming majority, packing the greatest number of loyal Democrats into the fewest districts. A decade later, Democrats tried to spread the African-American vote among more districts. The idea was to create enough Democratic-leaning districts so that the Party could take control of the state legislature. That goal was fine with Obama; his new district offered promising, untapped constituencies for him as he considered his next political move. “The exposure he would get to some of the folks that were on boards of the museums and C.E.O.s of some of the companies that he would represent would certainly help him in the long run,” Corrigan said.

“In the end,” Lizza wrote, “Obama’s North Side fund-raising base and his South Side political base were united in one district.” And that made all the difference.

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visual-explorxtion · 4 years

Text

The One That Got Away [Leon S Kennedy x Reader] - One Shot (NSFW)

Synopsis: You caught your boyfriend cheating and you're looking for an emotional getaway in a bar. Until you met Leon and you both instantly hit it off. But not everything is what you hoped it would be.

A/N: This one took way too long. I've started writing this prior to everything I've posted and it was on and off in between. Imagine this as older Leon (RE Damnation and up). I had a basic outline of the plot but kinda got derailed further I wrote and now it's a smutty, angsty and depressing fic (Three for the price of one). I thought I wrote too much and also not enough but it turned into a 5 page fic. And I also didn't realise I was writing in first person until halfway through. So, bone apple tea.

Word count: 3,842

The low murmurs and whispers of conversation surround the dimly lit bar, just two blocks away from my own apartment. I thought I could catch a break from my reality and sit silently with a drink in my hand. Hoping that I would get drunk enough to let my thoughts shut down, even just for a little while. But my mind circles back to him. My so-called boyfriend. Even though we are dating, our relationship just seems so...platonic.

I shake my head and took another sip of my drink. The ice cubes are slowly diluting the burning sensation of whiskey down my throat. Soon, this wouldn't be enough to forget all my problems. Irritated by my drink, I set it back down on the bar table, hoping that the aftertaste of alcohol would take my conscious away. I place the glass gently back down on the coaster and nudging it back and forth until it is exactly in-line with the circumference.

I leaned forward, pressing my forearms against the chilly, oak bar table. The sharp sensation ran up my arm, sending goosebumps along with it, awaking my drunken state. That was the last thing that I want. Reality setting back in.

The place was illuminated by the strip lights underneath the bar table and several backlights coming from the shelves of liquid. My bleary eyes tried to focus as I lift up my hand to signal one of the bartenders. But, to no avail, they do not seem to notice my presence. "Goddamnit..." I muttered under my breath. At this point, I could just slip out of this place and they won't even know it. I thought about it for a second but decided that it was a bad idea.

"Bad night, huh?" A low, raspy voice called out. I looked towards my left, where the voice came from. A man sat two seats away from me. His fringe covered most of his face so I couldn't tell what he looks like, but his chin was in view, chiselled and full of stubbles that could be seen even in a place with poor luminosity. "You wouldn't even know it," I answer, surprised that someone notices my existence. I've seen this man before. He's always here when I come to this bar, sitting in the exact same seating. I assume he's one of the staffs here, but he could just be a regular. Either way, it isn't any of my concern.

He chuckled, "I've had a handful of those before. I understand how you feel." His head angled slightly towards my direction. His face is now just peeking out from behind his golden hair. His eyes are piercing blue, like a vast ocean full of mysteries. He's handsome, beautiful even, but full of pain and hurt beneath it all. How could a man be so beautiful, and yet, so fragile?

I scoffed at his response, taking another sip of my now watered-down beverage, eyes returning to his gaze. "I'm sure you do," I spoke, resting my chin on my palm, giving him a smug grin. Maybe this is what I need, talking to a stranger, surely this will take my mind off a lot of things. He shook his head and smiled. "Hey, I'm Leon. You come here often?"

My brows furrowed and a little smirk came out of my lips. "If you're looking for someone to warm up your bed, then I can assure you, you've got the wrong girl," I paused, "I'm already seeing someone." Those words made my stomach wrench. I know full well that I'm the one that's seeing them, but they don't see me. No, not in the same way. Not anymore.

A breath escaped through his nose as he replied, "Well, I guess that makes the two of us...kinda." He takes a final sip of his bourbon and signals. "Another round...and make that a double." The bartender nodded and pulls out two glasses from under the bar table, now half-filled with alcohol, the bartender place one glass in from of me and slid the other one in from of Leon. I raise the glass up with my thumb and index finger by the rim, inspecting its content. The backlight is shown through the transparent liquid and dispersed in all direction, it's pretty and hypnotic. Though, the effect of the drink itself isn't as pretty as you'd think.

"Glass half full or empty?" My question sounded more like a statement. Leon gave a little laugh to my expression. My cheeks slowly burned up into a pink hue as I relived those words inside my mind. How stupidly naive I must have sounded.

Leon took the hint of my embarrassment and also raised his glass. "I'm neither an optimist nor a pessimist. All I know is that this is a good bourbon. And sometimes, that's all that matters." He reached out with the drink in his hand. I stared at it for a good while, "I think we could both agree on that." I smiled to myself as I return the gesture. Our glasses emitted a small clink to our small celebration. Bottom of the glass now upturned and down goes the alcohol, the scorching feeling made my face scrunch up. The bourbon slowly making its way into my bloodstream as the room that surrounds me spin like a carousel.

Hours go by, the muttering of conversation comes and goes, I have no recollection of our exchange, yet some faint pieces of memories spark up in my head. Knowing that you were a stranger, I spilt all my secrets, my fears and weaknesses, but you just listened and nodded along. An emotion blooms inside me, a warmth, telling me that we are the same type of people, the way we understood each other. We are lonely and just wanna belong somewhere.

Every day, I look forward to the moment when the sun hangs low and the moon comes up to dance, almost every night, I wander back into the bar with a light flutter in my heart. Knowing full well that Leon would be there, in the exact same seating, a glass of bourbon to accompany him. I found my life with meaning once again, understanding that I am not alone. Our conversations found their way of chatting about my life, to his. The story of his life and the things he had done shaped the person he is now. Though I know he speaks truthfully, I can't help but notice the gaps in his biography that he decided not to fill in. Whether to think after everything he revealed would make me scared of him, or I would look at him in a pitiful way, but that did not matter. The Leon I met, he's nothing like how he described himself. In my eyes, he's a soft and gentle soul, who got a few humorous tricks up his sleeve.

Sometimes, I think I'm somewhat emotionally detached, even if the sky topples, my mental state will remain calm as the world crumbles around me. I wouldn't scream, nor would I cry, I'll just quietly accept this as my fate.

And fate's plan came crashing down on me in one swift motion. Not even a second too early or too late. My most traumatic and emotional experience, all happened in a small time frame of one sunny morning. When you live through a memorable moment in life, good or bad, they become forever etched into our brain. Just like a movie. But, that same scene plays over and over again, until you can't handle it anymore. The sight of your ex-boyfriend in bed with a woman that's not you. Her hair and eyes resemble your appearance, eyes gleaming in a dark hue with their soul still intact. But, you're not her. And she's not you. He didn't choose you.

The lookalike gripping her hands around his toned arm, trembling in fear of what might happen next. What I would do next. My vision holds not her, but the so-called of a man, whom I just realise is nothing but a coward. The air around the room is thick and heavy, no words were spoken, not even an explanation or an apology. Under the hint of light, silence can be heard, from his blank expression, I knew the answer. I left not because of a broken heart, but because I don't belong there anymore. And I'd be lying to myself if I say I wasn't sad. Deep down, you knew this was bound to happen. You knew this from the very beginning, the spark wasn't there. You just weren't ready to admit the facts because you are afraid. Afraid of being alone again.

Waves of emotions hit one after another. Exchanging between grief and relief, this emotional loop cycles on. The crystal glass in my hand mirrors my mental suffering. Once empty, then full again and empty once more. Now drowning in a pool of liquor, until I can no longer distinguish between night and day, I hope this cycle never ends.

"Isn't it a little too early to hit the bottle?" A familiar voice came into my earshot, "Well, if it isn't my new-found buddy, Leon! Come, drinks are on me!" The laughter in my throat refusing to cease, everything is now on autopilot. The room sways back and forth to the beat of the music, every bassline played made my head blurrier each time, the lights in the bar almost seem like someone crank the exposure to the highest level. He sighed and took a seat, seeing there's no other option. "Jesus...how many have you had?" His concert did not reach me as I just skimmed over his question. "Hmm...4? 5? I lost count...but who cares?! I'm here to have a good time!" I exclaimed, both fists pumped up in the air and chuckling idiotically to myself.

Leon's brows scrunch, a finger rubbing at his temple, the crease on his forehead gets deeper by the minute. His drink arrived but his focus was elsewhere, he would take one sip, then looks back at me, contemplating. "H-hey, aren't you supposed to...protect the city or s-something, Mr detective-man-or-whatever?" I hiccuped, with half my speech slurred. "I'm not a cop. I don't...can't protect people." He took another sip. "Isn't that...hic...what you've told me?" I pressed on, this isn't what I've intended to do. He exhaled, "It's complicated." A drunken smirk left my nose, the alcohol had intoxicated my system and left my mouth defenceless. "Is it really that complicated? Or do you just not want to tell me the truth?" Jesus! Shut up, me! I can see the rage boiled behind his darken eyes, his fists gripped and nails digging deep into his flesh. "You. Need to stop drinking."

The clock strikes midnight, but neither one of us had any intentions to sober up or face whatever reality has prepared for us. We laughed, argued and make flirtatious jokes to one another. The air between us shifted, hot but still intoxicated. Even so, my mind still lingers on the images that shattered my heart into a million pieces. I don't want this anymore. "Hey...what if I kiss you right n-now? How would you react?" I giggled. "Sure. I'd be glad to," he said, facetiously. "Pfff, come on! I'm serious!" another hiccup. "You're drunk and trying to take the piss out of me." I locked eyes with him, setting my next words in a serious manner. "Am I? Why don't you come and find out?" I slid my hand from his forearm down to the back of his hand, drawing circles with my index finger, tempting and testing his borderline. A small grunt caught in between his lips, gaze running up my skin and idly to my mouth, his fixed stare lingered what feels like an eternity until we meet eye to eye.

What happens next came to me like a blur. I took his hand and led him away from the bar. The place was too packed for anyone to know if we were gone by the next second. We stumble away through the crowds of drunks living on cloud nine, but our hands kept a grip tight on one another. I pushed on; wanting to feel something, anything, even just for tonight. The burning desire inside has reached its limit, but so was Leon's. He twirled me around and constrained my backside up against the bathroom door. His body leaned in close to mine, our faces just an inch apart. The feverish breath touched my neck, turning me on even more so. I can feel his hesitation as his lips close within range, just hovering close to yours. "Would it really kill you if we kiss?" my words were hushed, giving him the final push. And those were the few words to make him let go of his rationality. Before I could acknowledge my next thought, his hand slip under the back of my neck with a firm grip and our mouths collided in the heat of the moment. His kiss was strong and passionate, everything that I imagined it would be, my hips feeling every inch of his, teeth gently grazing my bottom lip as I parted them to deepen his taste. Heat radiates off his chest as our tongues now intertwined with the taste of bourbon and sweetness, Leon showed no signs of backing down as his hand squeeze my hip tighter. But we had to break our physical contact when the chatter grew louder from inside the bathroom. Our hearts still racing, panting breathlessly and aching to be together again, though both of us would rather avoid being caught in an awkward situation.

My body mindlessly took us further down the deserted corridor to a backdoor that leads to an alleyway, the door itself could easily be missed if not observed carefully. I extended a hand to push open the door but was abruptly interrupted by Leon's demanding kiss. Eager to be whole again, he hoisted me off the ground effortlessly, binding my leg around his slender waist. The faint sound of music could be heard from the interior of the building, imitating the beat of our hearts. My back is up against the rugged wall once more. His nails dug into my thigh as I whimpered at the pain but Leon's kiss grew more hungry and impatient, urging for something more. The heat between my legs burning white-hot for this man with absolute longing. As if he could read my thoughts out loud, his hand travelled up to the waistband of my jeans, a finger hooked underneath and running it across my waistline and stopping just before where the buttons clasp. His tease sends chills along my lower abdomen, I'm struggling to keep up my composure.

Leon's icy blue gaze pierced through me, signifying his needs. "Do it." With the sign of my approval, he ripped the jeans clean off my sweat-covered legs without a hitch. My bare limbs glistening in the moonlight, reflecting off the moisture with the gentle breeze caressing them. The heat on my face grew, knowing that my lower parts are only concealed with a thin layer of fabric that's half opaque. Leon smugly grinned at the sight presented to him, licking off the residue from our kiss, he lets me down delicately as my feet touch the sturdy ground. He shifted and on both his knees, positioning himself in between my legs, feeling nervous being fully exposed to him. I stifled a gasp as Leon steady my balance with hands on either side of my hips, his kisses trail down the torso, leaving marks all over my stomach, down to my v-line. His soft fingertips skim the hem of pants then he dipped his head low, the black, lacy underwear caught between his teeth, removing them until I'm left bare and vulnerable.

I can feel his eyes exploring every inch of uncovered skin, like a wolf with his hunting instinct. His mouth found its way to your folds. The next thing you know, a foreign feeling spreads open your lower organ, heat escaping from your core and drip down to your inner thigh. You squirm and twitch with every movement of his tongue, chest rapidly rising and falling with each breath taken, you know you are close to the edge. Your hands clench his hair gently as he continuous drive over your sweet spot, humming, until you unravel your senses upon him. Knees giving out as everything tingles from head to toe, Leon catches you in his arms as you recover your strength.

Cleaning you off with the tip of his tongue, he reclaims his posture to tower over you and returns lips onto yours. The passionate kiss filled with desire, you can taste your own thirst mixed with his own saliva. Sultry and sweet. Chest to chest, every curvature and dips of his toned muscles embrace my own, our heartbeats synchronised. His scent of cologne mixed with sweat gives me a sense of comfort. I can feel the outline of his bulge through the thick fabric. One hand placed on the small of my back, the other desperately uncuffs his belt and down to his pants, revealing his length. My eyes widen in awe at the size of his...thing. It's pressed up against my abdomen, from shaft to the tip, Leon seems to be satisfied with my reaction as his egotistic smirk painted across his face. I swallow, mentally preparing myself before any attempt on riding him. Holding the base of his cock, now positioned near your entrance, you draw a hand near it and gently massage it. As if it's fragile, my hand gave it a few pumps then guide his tip inside. All that foreplay made it much easier for him to enter.

His tip without any difficulty. "Breathe" his deep, husky voice whispers in my ear, then inch by inch, until he fills up all my crevices inside. He took a pause, letting me adjust to his size for a minute, then slid back out again. Without a word of warning, he thrusts his cock back in all the way to the hilt as I let out a lusty yelp. The electric shock sends my pelvic muscles twitching and tensing around his cock, the repetitive motion causes me to ache for him even more. My hips sway and grind along to the beat of his movement, harder and faster, making him let out a soft cuss. The twinge at the back of my mind resurfaced again, flashbacks of this morning's event, haunting my thoughts again. Standing in the same doorway, looking at him and her on the same bed, same stiffness in the air. But, I'm looking at me through her eyes now, situated in this dark alley. The fear crept in. I can't love him. I know better than this.

"Hey. Just focus on me." Leon's hands cupped my cheeks, radiating the warmth I know, calling me back to the light. His tongue has taken up my mouth once more, diverting my focus from my own broken mind to the love he's providing. But you shouldn't. Hips picking up the pace, every bump and vein hitting my sensitive spot as I cry out, calling his name out in ecstasy. Leon's breathing is getting heavier with every beat he thrusts, bringing me and him closer to coming undone. Hot liquid spilling out, filling you up to the bream, overflowing like my emotions. The feeling he provided which shifted something inside, a beacon of light into my own soul. He pulled out, the inner content spilling out slightly as we redress ourselves again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. The pang of guilt hit him. Just like everyone else. My feet stumbled a few steps back, almost tripping myself up in shock. The tears behind my eyes threaten to fall out. I have to get out of here. I spin on my heels and made a run for it. This isn't how it is supposed to turn out. I know better. Knew. "Wait! At least let me take you home-" "No!" My feet kept on pushing me, yelling at me to keep going. Hot tears pour out inevitably, unlike tonight. It's all my fault. I naively believed that we were the same- wanting the same thing, am the same type of people. I was wrong. All I ever wanted was to stop being alone, but you chose this. You wanted to be alone. And I've made a mistake. "Wait, goddamnit." I stopped in my tracks, tears falling nonchalantly. I turned, leaving him with only a few words. "I'm sorry...but I fell in love with you tonight." But we both knew the answer.

---

#this fic turning out to be sad and depressing was accidental #i was hoping to put more chara emotion into it but it kinda slipped #lemme know if you want me to put warning tags #its a smut fic #can you believe #leon x reader #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #resident evil #resident evil damnation #resident evil 6 #resident evil vendetta #re leon #im gonna slap this on ao3 too #gonna sit in my room and zone out for 5 minutes #⭐️.doc

108 notes · View notes

teamhawkeye · 3 years

Text

unfiltered and massively spoiler filled thoughts on RE8 below the cut [MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD]:

The Good

The first half of the game

The initial village segment and the castle portion and even “the house in the mist” sections were all pretty taut and well put together. i loved exploring the castle - was more than a little disappointed that you get locked out after Alcina’s boss fight, i didn’t explore it fully D: - and the unexpected terror of Donna’s section really pulled me out of the sense of comfort i had started to fall into, right as i was saying to myself “this hasn’t been scary at all”

The return of some series high notes

Revisiting things in previous Resident Evil games is not always a bad thing. I really enjoyed the return of weapon customization and treasures, those were aspects i enjoyed in RE4 and RE5. The return of the Merchant, in the form of the Duke, was welcome as well. The Duke is a G - he’s a good guy and i respected him most

Graphics, scenery, etc.

It’s a pretty game to look at, there’s no getting around that. I liked the set pieces, especially the Castle portion

Ammo crafting

Now this was something i greatly enjoyed. There are often times you get too much ammo for the gun you use least or you run out of ammo in harder difficulty levels. Being able to collect scrap material and make your own ammo was a very nice addition that i greatly appreciated

The Bad

(some of these are going to be personal opinions about the storytelling and narrative choices, so be prepared for that)

Pacing and direction

RE7 was a return to the series’ “roots”: so back to the footnotes of RE1 and RE2. If that was the case with 7, then RE8 did a speed run of RE3, Code Veronica, RE4, RE5, and RE6 all at once.

I know i said earlier revisiting hallmarks from previous games isn’t a bad thing, and it’s not - but while RE7 did it masterfully with sticking to mainly RE1 and RE2 and pulling in just a few old hallmarks, RE8 went absolutely buck wild in trying to cram in as many past enemy types and encounters as possible. A callback to one standout enemy is one thing, ala the Stalker type that is Mr. X, Nemesis, and Ustanak that Lady Dimitrescu also serves as...but then also the giant water monster from RE4, the Executioner of RE5, the “chainsaw” enemies (here, drills instead) of RE4, RE5, and RE6. hell, even the Lycans after a time started to feel very Las Plagas-esque in their ability to use weapons and track and coordinate. And you can’t tell me you didn’t see very similar designs/similarities between Miranda’s boss battle that you did with Alexia’s in Code Veronica...

The pacing started off solid with the initial few segments, but quickly seemed to lose its footing once it oscillated violently between wildly different styles of play and storytelling and didn’t regain its stride the rest of the game. One moment, it’s classic RE. The next, it’s P.T. + Outlast. The next, back to “a mash up of action and horror, leaning more on action” styles of RE4 + RE5. Then the finale straight up started to feel like an entirely different game before you reached that final boss fight - it felt like i was jerked in one direction one minute, and a completely different one the next

There is a lot of exposition and explaining that doesn’t happen until legit the last 45 or so minutes. Not new for the series to withhold information until the back half of the game, but there was legit almost no build up to the very sudden plot bombs that got dropped successively in the last throes of the story. Previous games rewarded you with fragments at a fairly even pace - i felt like all of RE8′s story gets dropped on you in a single monologue and a handful of notes just before the endgame

I’m not even gonna go that deep into how hard it was to keep up with all the different infection methods the mold managed to have - it was just A Lot and i’ve played a lot of Resident Evil in the past, so i know just how many different ways a single pathogen can have on humans and animals...and it still felt excessive

I honestly felt like the third segment with Moreau wasn’t even necessary. they really played up these “four lords” to not have them do a whole lot of anything. and i know there’s always been mini bosses before you actually reach the final Big Bad, but seriously, Moreau’s segment can be blitzed through in a span of 20 minutes or so first playthrough. the castle segment with Dimitrescu was solid, the house segment with Donna was nightmare fuel, lmfao, but still engaging and challenging. by the time you get to the third and sprint right through, you’re left wondering what the point of it even was. you can tell that was the least cared about narrative arc in the whole story

A giant point of note is that a huge chunk of RE8′s story could have been avoided or altered had Chris just actually fucking spoken to Ethan at the start about what the fuck was going on. And for him not to is completely unlike Chris past RE5 and RE6, that made no narrative sense whatsoever. Just another opportunity to pile on some more trauma and guilt onto Chris’ shoulders by making him “responsible” for Ethan being pushed to far and dying as a result

“Ethan actually ‘died’ when first meeting Jack Baker and was completely taken over by mold, it’s a big secret to everyone but Mia. also, he’s gone too far, there’s no saving him, he had to die”

You’re going to tell me that Ethan still being infected or impacted by the mold from RE7 is some big secret??? did the BSAA not run tests on him and Mia to make sure they were back to normal levels??? how do they not know?!? the government was able to figure out that Sherry’s exposure to the G Virus altered her permanently and study her healing capabilities, how the fuck was that not the same with Ethan???

Also, how is it that the mold’s impact on him is so much higher? he was at the Baker estate for like, 2 days max and while, yes, he did sustain some serious damage, he never fell prey to Eveline’s control and showed absolutely no signs of infection outside of being able to heal/use his hand after it was chopped off. and depending on how you played RE7, the only major injury he sustains aside from probable bruising or broken bones is that hand being cut off as mentioned before

You’re also going to tell me of the number of Resident Evil characters who have been infected with viruses and parasites and what have you and have been cured or had the negative effects negated, Ethan was the only one “too far gone” to be saved??? Jill got infected with T Virus, Claire has been infected by two separate viruses, Leon has survived a parasite infection, both Zoe and Mia were exposed to mold for years and seem to be okay...why is it that Ethan was the only one who couldn’t be saved? because he “died”? how in the world did he get infected so fast - he’d been there an hour, max! - that he was able to be revived in the first place and it wasn’t even noticeable that he had changed at all???

“the BSAA can’t be trusted anymore, they’re involved in shady shit, like deploying bioweapons into battle”

we already went through this a bit back in Revelations 1 with the blackmailed director and double agents. but to full on go “well, the entire organization is now dirty” after it was legit founded by Chris, Jill, and Barry to combat bioterrorism really sits wrong with me. all i can think is that they are running out of villains at this point and now are poising the BSAA to be a Big Bad in the future. which, again, doesn’t sit right with me

Retconning

Tying Ozwell E. Spencer back to Miranda wasn’t such a huge dealbreaker for me, but it is a bit obnoxious to now have to go back and amend “he came up with the idea for Umbrella and its pursuits with Marcus and Ashford, its other founding members” to “well, he didn’t actually come up with the idea for Umbrella and its research with Marcus and Ashford, he already had the idea from his time spent with Miranda uwu”

More so, the retconning around Eveline is a bit of a pain in the ass. So she only came about as a result of Miranda crossing paths with the Connections and giving them some of her mold to work with? And Eveline was only a failed experiment to Miranda in her attempt to be able to transfer her daughter’s essence/subconscious/whatever into a living child? And there are pictures of ‘10 year old” Eveline in Miranda’s possession - how come Evie didn’t have any memory of her at all (speaking of Evie, why the fuck did she appear in 8 briefly as a hallucination [?] to explain to Ethan his condition???)

How are you going to try and tell me that some village from prior to the 19th century was using the “Umbrella” symbol and Spencer just snatched it for himself? that was just stupid, honestly - even more stupid how Ethan didn’t recognize the symbol, despite flying off in a Blue UMBRELLA helicopter at the end of RE7

Mocap and cutscenes

Was it just me or did parts of this game look severely unpolished compared to RE7??? some parts looked good - like the Dimitresus all seemed to be rendered very well. It became very noticeable to me in the back half of the game, mainly with Chris and Mia, but a little with Heisenberg too, where their mouths didn’t match up with the dialogue a lot and they looked a lot less put together than previous scenes and characters. Mia in particular, i was struck by how much better her mocap seemed in RE7 compared to RE8. Maybe because there was a bigger ensemble cast in 8 that they spread themselves a little too thin in that regard?

#i don't know how i feel throwing this in the main tags so i'm only putting my warning on the top of the post and not in the tags

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femmesfollesnebraska · 3 years

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Artist feature: Helena Baka

Artist Helena Baka shares with LFF about her inspiration as an artist through trauma, experiences, identity, femininity and more. All images and text (c) Helena Baka, helenabaka.com.

Where are you from and how did you get into art?

I’m from Elmwood Park, Illinois, but I’m currently living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Both of my parents were born and raised in Albania and immigrated from there before I was born, a few years after the collapse of communism. I’ve loved art since I was a child – I used to draw princesses, my favorite television show characters, Sanrio characters, and self-portraits. This was probably because both of my parents were artists - my father is a painter, and my mom used to make little angel Christmas ornaments and draw mermaids for my sister and me (although she stopped doing that very early on once she became a paralegal). All my life I had been surrounded by my dad’s oil painting landscapes of Albania hanging on the walls of our home, so I think I wanted to be just as good as him.

It’s been hard to be upfront about this, but my mom committed suicide when I was only 16 years old, and that was really the beginning of my painting practice because I started to draw inspiration from my traumas, dreams and experiences after that. Now, my work is motivated by my cultural identity and the distance I’ve experienced with my Albanian culture while growing up American. Lots of my current work shines on aspects of my identity, both relating to culture and femininity. I also have been exploring the relationship between sculpture and painting in my work because I’m fascinated with how bending the rules of traditional sculpture and/or painting can possibly make either of those fall into either category.

I have a few impetuses for creating; much of it derives from the need to tell my story, to use my practice as a form of therapy, to take risks and experiment with both familiar and unfamiliar mediums, and to educate my audience on whatever topic evokes strong emotions from me.

Tell me about your most recent exhibit.

4th Midwest Open at Woman Made Gallery in Chicago is the upcoming show I’m featured in, and I’m really excited for it because it’s going to be filled with so many different types of work featuring many artists of diverse backgrounds. It’s a chance to showcase the voices of women and nonbinary people in a space that is not male-dominated, which I think is so important because spaces like these are rare to find in the art world.

I hope when people see my work, it can spark some curiosity and self-education of what and where Albania is, and that it’s not just some impoverished Eastern European country that never made it into the footnotes of western history textbooks. My work touches on themes of loss, displacement, and frustration with one’s identity, as well as learning to accept and embrace who you are; that it’s okay not to fit into the mold of who or what you’re “supposed” to be. So, I hope at the end of the day, anyone who views my work can see a little bit of themselves in it, too. Most importantly, I want to be the Albanian woman artist role model that I never got to see growing up.

Does collaboration play a role in your work?

Although I have always worked independently in the studio, I’ve found collaboration beneficial to my practice through exposure of others’ ideas and methods of production. Being in my last year of art school toward my BFA, I have grown used to surrounding myself in an environment of plenty of working artists, and that alone inspires me to create, too. I think the act of critiques and even showing in-progress work has been a collaboration between me and whoever is critiquing my work, because most of the time I’ll come out of it with fresh ideas handed to me by another person. It works the same way vice-versa.

I once had my first ceramic sculpture fall apart in the kiln, and through a collaborative effort of mending it with my friend who was very familiar with working with plaster, my sculpture was repaired and I gained new insight toward this specific material and potential future uses in my practice. My work could never have progressed the way it has without the exposure of different ideas, methods and materials that other artists use.

What do you think about making work right now with the current political climate?

The political climate we’re living in right now has brought on so much outstanding work that has been made by BIPOC creators. Through the darkness of the pandemic, a corrupt, unfitting president in office, systemic racism, police brutality, and all of the tragic deaths we’ve experienced in 2020 from these events, one of the few instances of light the world gained out of these tragedies was the art made by black folx and BIPOC. From music to writing to visual art, BIPOC’s voices have been uplifted and encouraged on every accessible platform, and I continue to see more and more spaces made exclusively for these communities in the art world. Art really makes a difference in impacting our ways of thinking and beliefs, and I believe that if we continue to make BIPOC creators and voices a priority after Black Lives Matter is no longer a trending topic, there could be huge changes in the art world that provide even bigger opportunities for BIPOC creators, such as solo/group exhibitions, publications, grants and rewards, and leadership positions, if not more.

Is feminism relevant to your work?

Absolutely! I would categorize much of my work as feminist pieces because it discuss the contrasting distance and pride not only between myself and my cultural identity, but with my female identity as well that has been challenged and taken advantage of throughout all my life by others. Sexism, misogyny perpetuated by both men and women, double standards, and body image dysphoria as a consequence of these things have all been themes I’ve had to work through in my life and practice.

I can’t speak for every womxn or nonbinary person, but most who are or have once been feminine presenting in their lives have experienced a hypersexualization of themselves and their bodies through the media, culture, and the overall tainted perspective of the patriarchy we’ve been trained to look through. Instead, my work inevitably sees through the lens of the female gaze, where there is no objectification or negativity associated with the female/feminine body or experience, and instead the viewer is presented with this sort of chaotic, distortion of the faces and bodies of my characters, who are often abstract depictions of self-portraits.

What’s the best advice you have received about being an artist?

Strive to make work better than the last and only compete with yourself. Never measure your talents and successes to someone else's.

helenabaka.com

instagram: @artbug666.

Les Femmes Folles is a volunteer organization founded in 2011 with the mission to support and promote women in all forms, styles and levels of art from around the world with the online journal, print annuals, exhibitions and events; originally inspired by artist Wanda Ewing and her curated exhibit by the name Les Femmes Folles (Wild Women). LFF was created and is curated by Sally Brown Deskins. LFF Books is a micro-feminist press that publishes 1-2 books per year by the creators of Les Femmes Folles including the award-winning Intimates & Fools (Laura Madeline Wiseman, 2014) , The Hunger of the Cheeky Sisters: Ten Tales (Laura Madeline Wiseman/Lauren Rinaldi, 2015 and Mes Predices (catalog of art/writing by Marie Peter Toltz, 2017). Other titles include Les Femmes Folles: The Women 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 available on blurb.com, including art, poetry and interview excerpts from women artists. A portion of the proceeds from LFF books and products benefit the University of Nebraska-Omaha’s Wanda Ewing Scholarship Fund.

Submissions always open! - Check out the 10th anniversary call here:

https://femmesfollesnebraska.tumblr.com/callforart-writing

#feminsitart #contemporaryart #womenartists #womanmadegallery

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khushboodarfool · 3 years

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I cannot make this stuff up

Today was a day for the books.

We vaccinated 360 patients with Moderna COVID vaccine. I was so exhausted. apparently the memo that our hospital is giving is that we can vaccinate patients who have had COVID, as long as they are no longer symptomatic. The procedure is that we go to their cars garbed up in PPE (double masked, gown, face shield), and I ended up vaccinating 3 patients like this. One of the patients, had several really good questions but it took 30 minutes of us interacting. Then, when she felt comfortable vaccinating, she had a coughing fit and coughed really close to my face shield. She was masked, and I was appropriately garbed, but it still gave me a lot of anxiety. I came back in and threw away all of my PPE and washed my hands twice lol. I was so shook by the experience. I’ve interacted with several COVID patients at this point. But something about the way it was unexpected, and I was very close during the coughing fit was a bit jarring. If I wasn’t literally injecting the vaccine when this happened, I would have backed away and let her finish but I wasn’t able to.

Anyways, after I got a hold of myself (30 minutes), I started vaccinating more outpatients. I ended up looking at my phone while I was charting, and I saw that I had 6 missed calls from my childhood best friend. My heart sank because I literally thought someone died. I called her back to see what was going on, and the conversation was just so bizarre. She asked me if I was busy, and I told her kind offfffff, but it sounds like an emergency so tell me whats going on. Long and short of it, she told me that one of her colleagues told her she could leave her rotation early because nobody really notices for that particular rotation. So she took it one step further and didn’t come in for two days. The attending (or chief of staff?), ended up asking her if she was on that particular rotation because it sounds like news got out. Let me tell you, this woman is not one to play hookie, she’s the most studious, diligent, hardworking person I know so this SCREAMS burnout. But it doesn’t help that she was venting to someone who is also very burnt out, in the middle of getting slammed by patients. So I am sorry to admit, I was more confused than empathetic. While she was venting to me, my boss basically checked up on me to see what the hold up was for vaccinating, and I had to abruptly hang up. I felt super embarrassed because things are not good with me and my boss right now, and I feel like I looked sketch.

So that whole thing started consuming my mind. I ultimately messaged her when I got home way later because she texted me saying “I feel dumb and stupid x.x i don’t think I would have done this if I wasn’t feeling down and depressed”. My heart sank reading that. We literally message everyday, and I had no idea she was struggling so much. I think its because of COVID and just the rigor of residency but I am also afraid that there is something deeper and she just didn’t tell me? I really want things to be better for her, and I would be so sad to know that she didn’t feel like she could tell me where she’s at for things to get so bad.

Okay, all of that happens. Some day right? But wait...its not over.

Security came up to me, and said “wow what a day, so thankful we’re done vaccinating!”, which was really awkward because I still had 2 doses left. We frantically got 2 patients at 5, and then it turns out another pharmacist also had 3 doses and didn’t tell anyone to rally for 3 more patients so we ended up wasting 3 doses today. Which kinda made me feel some type of way because why did I go through hell and back for these 2 patients even though we ended up wasting doses anyways SMH. But every dose counts, and atleast I was able to take responsibility for mine.

While I was waiting for these 2 patients to come, I started charting like my life depended on it. All of a sudden, one of the pharmacists came up to me and told me that EHR was down throughout the hospital (ofcourse it is when we have to chart 400 patients worth of vaccinations, that we had ZERO time to take care of between patients) but the laptops still had access to EHR through WIFI somehow. So he asked me if he could use my laptop after I’m done, which made me feel bad because I knew it was going to be awhile.

Thennn my technicians came up to me as they were leaving for the day. One of them said “Hey do you know what’s going on?” and I responded “uhhh EHR is down?”, and they both laughed and said “there is an active shooter in our city”. I think I was too exhausted to process this news at this time. I was literally like what else is new. That’s great. This is very weird btw because we live in a really rural area where violent crimes are SUPER rare. So I did what any insane burnt out pharmacist would do in my situation, I kept charting. Despite knowing about this shooter, multiple people were able to go home at 5.

My patients came in, and as I was vaccinating my second patient. I saw security turn off all of the lights in the hospital. Then, all of a sudden on the intercom I hear “ATTENTION ATT - LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN, LOCKDOWN”. So I took my patient into the pharmacy (we have a booth set up outside of the pharmacy for COVID vaccines), and then we waited for the clear in the pharmacy.

Apparently there were multiple active shooters (3 that we know of with rifles...could be more). 2 police officers got shot, and one got grazed. My close friend’s fiance is a cop. He is quarantining due to a COVID exposure, and they had to pull him back in because of this. So bizarre that tonight in our small town, there was an area surrounded by cops and apparently a helicopter (which idk where we got that from). 5.5 hours later and she just messaged me that it looks like everything is okay. I’m still holding my breath, I just want to make sure he makes it home okay. I didn’t realize how much I care about him and appreciate him until I got super emotional while praying for him. He has always been sweet and protective of me. He got me flowers after my car accident, and always gets me tools and gear because he’s just that kind of person. My friend is pregnant with his baby. I feel like this in aggregate is too much for one person to deal with. Not to mention, she works in the same toxic, COVID infested environment as me.

I ended up talking to my man about all of this briefly and I feel like he just didn’t get the immensity of crazy and stress of this day. So I kind of got snippy and ultimately he decided to let me have a little moment and eat dinner alone (partly because I kinda asked him to), but idk it sucks to come home and feel misunderstood after a long day. I do feel bad because he was still listening to me ramble about the craziness, and I know work is crazy for him too.

Gahh. I’ll try to call him and see if I can make amends.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be better.

#covid #covid19 #healthcare #pharmacy #medicine #residency #pharmacist #active shooter #police #relationship #burnout

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degenerate-perturbation · 4 years

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Chapters: 20/32 Fandom: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening, Dragon Age II Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Female Amell/Female Surana Characters: Female Amell, Female Surana, Anders, Velanna, Nathaniel Howe, Oghren (Dragon Age), Justice (Dragon Age), Sigrun (Dragon Age), Varric Tethras, Isabela (Dragon Age), Male Hawke (Dragon Age) Additional Tags: Established Relationship, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Blood Magic, Prostitution, Drowning, Wilderness Survival Series: Part 2 of void and light, blood and spirit Summary: Amell and Surana are out of the Circle, and are now free to build a life together. But when the prison doors fly open, what do you have in common with the one shackled next to you, save for the chains that bound you both?

Yvanne set to shipbuilding—an art of which she knew nothing—with a ferocity of an animal trapped.

A ship was just a pile of floating wood and a sail, wasn’t it? It didn’t need to be fancy. It just had to get her off this forsaken rock. She was a mage—the youngest-Harrowed mage in her entire Circle—and she had absolutely nothing better to do, so by Andraste’s fiery tits, she would build a seaworthy vessel, and she was getting off this damn rock.

Her first attempt didn’t even hold together. Her second fell apart as soon as it hit the water. Her third overturned and dumped her into the surf almost immediately. The fourth made it a little further before doing the exact same thing. The fifth was destroyed in a sudden storm and was never launched. The sixth held together in body, but the sail kept ripping away.

By this time it had been weeks, and she was weighing the possibility of drowning herself after all.

Assuming this place would let her drown. Now that was a frightening thought.

You know, you don’t have to do this alone, she thought. Or remembered, or was told.

At first the thought seemed like nonsense. Of course she had to do it alone. There was no one else here.

But—no, that wasn’t true, was it? She wasn’t alone. She wasn’t alone at all.

“Alright, spirits,” she said aloud. “You want me to come home, you’ll have to help me.” No answer that she could hear, but she didn’t care. They would help her; she’d already decided. It was their own fault that she was in this mess.

At Kinloch, spirit magic had been painfully limited. Even her own discipline of spirit healing, closest to the Fade, had been restricted to interactions with nonverbal wisps. As a safety precaution; lest the spirit mage become corrupted. Yvanne had always liked the wisps, brainless as they were, but they weren’t much for conversation. She needed more than wisps. She needed a shipwright.

So she started summoning spirits.

Everyone she summoned, she interrogated. What was the best shape for a small deepwater vessel? How could she best seal the space between the woven wood? How might she make a sturdy sail, and how ought she rig it? What did they know of navigating deep waters? Of coastal shelves? Of the wind patterns in this part of the sea?

At first it was slow going. She didn’t know much about summoning particular spirits. Even if she could more or less zero in on spirits of knowledge and curiosity, getting one that knew anything about shipbuilding was harder, and getting them to talk about that instead of whatever random thing they were interested in at the moment was nigh impossible. Yvanne learned a great deal about the varieties of beetle native to the jungles of Seheron, the exhaustive details of Avvar inter-tribal relations, and the true names of every mollusc that lived at the bottom of the Narrow Sea, but not much about shipbuilding.

At least spirits were decent company. Or maybe that’s just how it seemed to her after months of isolation and fever dreams.

Spirits of Curiosity would be happy to tell her anything they knew, if she answered their questions in turn. Only their questions were esoteric things she never knew how to answer, like ‘how many truth and beauty in a singleton?’ and ‘what is the nature of endings?’. Many spirits of knowledge immediately took offense to be treated this way and refused to share anything until she humbled herself. Some haughty spirits who she was relatively sure were Pride demons in the making could be made to help her just by watching her do it wrong, whereupon their urge to correct her took over and the entire task

One watched her clumsily stitch her sail in the making for the better part of the hour before snapping and begging to have the use of her hands.

She hesitated. Wasn’t that like possession?

No, no, not your soul, not even your whole body, it snapped. Just your hands!

In the Circle this would have been an obvious dupe, a trick to get her to let her guard down. For days Yvanne refused. But her hands would not cooperate. Even if she knew in her mind how to do it, she didn’t know in her body. On the edge of tears of frustration, no longer caring if she became possessed—after all, who could she hurt here?—Yvanne gave in.

It was strange, to feel a force besides her own animating her body, but not altogether unpleasant. The sail was finished by sundown, and she knew that if she had tried to do it herself, it would have taken all week, and still come apart in the end.

She thanked it as it left. It haughtily deigned to acknowledge her, and returned to the Fade. And she was no worse for wear.

One spirit, however, was notably absent—the fiery-eyed charcoal being who had appeared to her before. She’d grown wary of it, even to hate it, but now she missed its presence.

“Well?” she said to the air. “And what about you? You started all this, didn’t you? It was your doing? Come out, then. Show yourself, and let’s talk.”

But the spirit—if indeed it was a spirit—wasn’t feeling chatty. Even the whispers had died down since she had begun work on the ship, as though they were satisfied that she was finally getting a move on.

In those days she came to understand all that a spirit mage could be. To be a spirit mage was to be more than yourself. It was to be part of a vast network of experience and emotion and being; it was to be part of the world, this one and the other. She was not yet such a mage; but she could imagine becoming one.

All the while, the sun rose and set—but never where she expected it. Time was passing on the island, sure enough—but in fits and starts and haphazard bursts. She tried not to think of what world she would find when she finally sailed away from this place.

Slowly, but much quicker than it otherwise might have been, her ship came together. Sometimes the furry jungle creatures came out to watch her at her work, having determined her not to be a threat. A few brave ones even ventured out to have a closer look. On the day she raised and secured the mast, they broke out in excited whoops and chitters. She’d miss them.

Before braving open water, she took her ship for a jaunt around the coast. A sailor’s memory, collected by a spirit of longing, filled her mind, and she knew just which rope to pull, which to secure, how to catch the wind in the triangular sail so that she always travelled in the direction she wanted. She launched successfully, and ran back aground without incidence. She was seaworthy.

The ship could float, but would it survive the open sea?

She began to make preparations to finally leave the island. She stocked up on provisions; preserving what could be preserved, hoping the rest would last at least a little while. With hesitation, she forewent water; for that she would summon rain. There wouldn’t be room on her one-woman ship otherwise; she would be relying on fresh-caught fish for some of her food as it was.

Initially she tried to chart the likely winds in the area; but winds came with seasons, and she had no idea what season it was. She didn’t even know where she was. She had initially assumed a tropical latitude; but maybe even that wasn’t the case. She knew nothing about what she would find when she sailed beyond the island’s coastal shelf.

Finally everything that could be done was done. Her boat was sturdy. Her provisions were stocked. The winds here never changed—they only ever blew inward—so there was no point in waiting for a favorable wind. All that was left…was to go.

Come home, they’d said. And what would happen if they took her back to Ferelden? If she saw the pennants of Amaranthine again? Would she face that place again? Or would she turn around and walk right back into the sea?

“Okay, spirits,” she muttered, double-checking the security of her provisions and hoisting the sail. “I don’t know where I need to go, or what I’m supposed to do, so this one is all on you.”

The wind filled her makeshift sail.

—

The first day at sea, she watched the sun’s path as it rose and set and rose again. She was half-convinced the island would not let her go, that no matter how the wind blew, she would always find the island in her sights.

But that didn’t happen. She watched it disappear behind the waves, and stay disappeared. For so long she’d thought of nothing but getting away.

Now here she was, away.

Even the spirit voices, her constant companions, had quieted.

Now here she was, alone.

She had a paddle, and a sail she could trim, and she could find her way by the stars which now were nearly the same every night, but she knew it wouldn’t matter. The sea was too vast and too strong. She would go where its current took her. Her skin had long since cracked and dried and callused from salt and sweat and labor, and her hands ached as new exposure opened old cuts. All around her stretched horizon.

The wind blew. The waves lapped. The sun shined.

Now here she was, alive.

On one day, a dolphin swam alongside her for nearly an hour, curiously bumping her craft with its head, so hard she worried it would break, until the creature grew bored and swam away. Another day a school of fish leapt out of the water and landed in her boat by the armful, flopping and squirming in desperation. Another day she woke to cloudy skies and an approaching storm, and all day long the rain and wind buffeted her, the waves rose to terrifying heights, and if not for her magic, she surely would have been lost. But as the sun rose the next day, her boat was intact, most of her provisions still aboard, and she was still alive.

There was still no land in sight.

Slowly her provisions dwindled. To conserve energy, she slept. The vivid realness of her Fade dreams had not lessened with distance from the island—they appeared to simply be part of her now. She walked upon the verdant sea as her unconscious body floated. She dreamt of mangrove trees and bald cypresses heavy with grayish tangles of moss, shooting up from deep dark standing water. She dreamt of jeweled spiders in impossible webs, of morning fog and heavy air, of somewhere new-old and strange-familiar. She dreamt of a grand city rising above it all, with a tower of living wood pulsing with life at its center. The whole time she could not shake the sense of pursuing somebody who always remained just barely out of reach. Even when she did not sleep, she was not fully awake. She was a mote upon the endless iron-blue, and she was no one and nothing, and she was the only soul in the whole world, and she was all she needed.

She awoke when her ship ran aground.

Truly awake for the first time in weeks, she shot up and nearly sobbed with relief. There was land! There were the mangrove trees, there were the rocky shores!

Then she realized that her boat was rapidly filling with water.

She shot up. There was no saving the craft; the shore rocks had fatally gashed open the faithful vessel’s belly. In her haste to check the damage, she stood too quickly, overbalanced the craft, and capsized.

It wasn’t the first time on her journey that the vessel had capsized and required rescue. But now there was no saving it. The remnants of her provisions were floating away from her.

She wobbled onto the rocky shore.

Yvanne didn’t know how long she’d been on the island—or how many years had passed in the interim. But wherever she was now, it was where she was supposed to be. She could feel the same pull she had felt before, stronger now, urging her to come further inland.

Wherever this was, it wasn’t Ferelden. She released a sigh of relief she’d forgotten she’d taken.

Well, that could wait. First she would dry off, and find some food. Then she would go and meet her destiny, or whatever it was she was supposed to do here.

Having grown accustomed to aloneness, she quite forgot that openly using magic might earn her sanction. So she quite brazenly summoned a pile of logs to come walk over to her and arrange themselves to her liking, set them magically afire, and earthshaped for herself a comfortable place to recline. She was considering whether her food options would be better inside the forest or in the water when she realized that she was being watched.

A whole group of travellers were staring openly at her. How much had they seen?—no, it didn’t matter. They’d seen enough. Wild visions of discovery by Templars shot through her mind. They would report her. Of course they would. And then she would have Templars to evade—no, better prevent it in the first place. Better handle this before it got away from here, even if she did something she didn’t want to have to do—

And while these awful thoughts spun in her head, the travellers approached with smiling faces and greeted her in a language she didn’t understand.

“I—what?” she coughed. The man who’d spoken, dark-skinned and blue-eyed with a turban wrapped around his head frowned slightly and repeated what he’d said. When her slackjawed expression didn’t change, he said something else, and then—

“How about this?”

“Oh! I—understood.” It had been so long since she’d talked to anyone but Fade spirits. Now he probably thought she barely even spoke Common.

“Good!” he said, beaming. “Greetings to you, Seeress. Have you had a hard journey?”

“I—er—uh,” Yvanne said intelligently, looking back at the sunken remnants of her boat, then back to the travellers. “Yes?”

“Then of course we must feed you! No, we insist. We would not leave a seer in need.” The man gave a knowing look to his companion.

In astonishingly quick succession—Maker, where were they getting it all?—the travellers brought out food, blankets, cushions to sit on, spices for the fire. After weeks at sea and untold months on a deserted island she didn’t have the decorum to protest; she devoured everything they gave her and asked for more.

Near the end of the meal one of their party brought out a pan flute and started to play; a woman besides him started to sing and clap along. Someone handed her a flask of something, something sweet that burned in the best way, even as she realized that she didn’t particularly want to be drunk anymore.

The hour passed in easy, if nonverbal, camaraderie. It seemed that only one of the travellers had a language in common with her, though some of his (she assumed) children made some attempts. It was he that finally said: “Seeress, we have shared with you all that we had, foregoing nothing. Now you will speak to the spirits for us?”

Yvanne stared at him. “Sorry—what?”

The man gazed at her with a small, puzzled smile. “The spirits. You will intercede with them on our behalf, yes?”

“I...don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry.”

The man’s small smile faded to confused frown. One of the children tugged on his tunic, and he said something to her in their native tongue. Now the whole company burst into murmurs. “Of course you can,” the man said to her. “Are you not a seer?”

Yvanne only stared blankly.

Now the man was getting annoyed. “We saw you doing magic,” he said. “Of course you are a seer.”

Oh, she thought. “I’m sorry, I—the problem is I’m not from here, I’m not really a seer. I mean, I am a mage, I can do magic, and I talk to spirits sometimes, but I don’t—know what you’re talking about? I’m really sorry.”

After a beat, the man with the headwrap translated this for the benefit of the rest of the group.

“Not that I’m not grateful!” she assured hurriedly. “Maker knows I am! But I didn’t realize I…”

“No, not. It was our mistake. Do not worry,” said the man in the headwrap, clearly disappointed.

A few more uncomfortable minutes passed. The travellers mostly spoke to each other in their own language and started to pack up their things.

“Well, seer or mage or whoever you are,” said the man in the headwrap, “We must be heading on. Where are you going now?”

“I don’t know. A long time ago I meant to go to Dairsmuid. But I was waylaid. Some force—I think a spirit—is drawing me somewhere, but I don’t know where. I know that doesn’t make much sense. My life has taken some strange turns recently.”

The man adopted gave her a patient, puzzled look. “Good luck to you, then. But if you decide to go to Dairsmuid after all, then you’ve met some fortune. Dairsmuid is less than a league inland, over that way. If you follow the trail you’ll be there within the hour.”

The travellers moved on, and Yvanne was left alone.

The mangroves called: come home. The voice was stronger now than ever.

But this wasn’t home. She had never been here before, for all she saw it in her dreams. Home was flagstones and blue pennants and silverite armor. Home was high iron walls and a mountain of letters to answer. Home was the only person who had ever really known her. Home was someone that she’d never known at all. Home was a tower of shame and disgust, bound up with love and devotion so tight it would never be parted. Home was lost to her.

As though in a dream, Yvanne pushed through the foliage.

As promised the trail through the mangroves gave way to a settlement. Her bare and callused feet stood not on mud but on wood, smooth planks carefully arranged into a walkway raised above the standing water. Houses stood on raised posts, more and more of them as she walked on. A whole city, built on the water. Long and narrow boats made up more than half the traffic of this city. She knew exactly where to go.

Come home.

Finally a tower rose up before her eyes; not of stone, but wood, and not of dead wood, but living wood. The biggest tree she had ever seen in her life grew there. Young men and women stood outside it, but when they saw her approach, they let her pass.

And in she went. Come home.

Inside was dark, lit only by greenish, flickering wisplight. An old, old woman sat upon a throne of living wood. Her eyes were closed. She breathed, but only just. Yvanne watched her for a time, and only then did she realize that the old woman did not merely sit upon the throne of living wood; she was fused to it.

“Was it you who called me here?” Yvanne demanded.

Not speaking, nor opening her eyes, the old woman inclined her head.

Here within the tree, the spirit voices were utterly silent. Yvanne was alone in her head for the first time in months.

Questions leapt to her lips. Why? How? Who are you? What do you want from me? Why did you bring me here? But her tongue remained still, and the old woman said nothing.

“Well,” Yvanne said instead, and sank to her knees. “Here I am.”

The old woman’s ancient puckered mouth formed into a smile.

“Here you are,” she said, and opened her eyes. They were green and pale and bright as the moon, shining out from her ancient chestnut face like jewels. “Come here.”

Yvanne came forward, eyes downcast. She could not stand to look at this person. It was all too much.

A papery hand touched her cheek, raising her chin. Yvanne found herself staring into the woman’s remarkable eyes. For a long moment they only looked.

“So,” the old woman said, “here you are.” Then she smiled, utterly radiant. “My heart rejoices to see you in the flesh, my great grand-daughter. We have all been waiting.”

#please read my wizard lesbian fanfiction #dragon age #enough kvetching about politics back to what this blog is really about--lesbian fanfiction #amell #surana #dragon femslash

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shcreative · 4 years

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PDP

1 to 2 weeks

Working on how I can incorporate my FMP concept practices and context to be my main focal point / concept within my proposal, this is hugely important to me and the project – this element matters (the site)

Consideration with me FMP with these key elements.

1. Does the project need to be personal? Subjective? Informative?

2. Does the work need to relate to the physical outcome or can the artwork be a place that is informed and a realisation occurs?

3. Conceptual? How do I want the audience to engage with it – a rather important area that needs to proposed and reasoned with – due to the restrictive natures.

Practice aims – start to explore methods and approaches.

Identifying that I need to piece together my research – to help root and identify what is important to me as an artist. It will become a platform in which I can utilise and gain clarity. Contextual ref will

Horn

Hansen

https://www.egon-schiele.net/

https://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/tate-liverpool/exhibition/life-motion-egon-schiele-francesca-woodman/five-things-know-egon

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=egon+schiele&docid=608031077067591259&mid=C00B7CAE90E28FB31915C00B7CAE90E28FB31915&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

According to art historian Albert Elsen, Schiele used Auguste Rodin's continuous drawing technique to create his loose, fluid figurative sketches. It required constant eye contact with the life model, making Schiele's process of drawing an intimate experience between him and his subject.

http://www.visual-arts-cork.com/famous-artists/schiele-egon.htm

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BN73JesYJhc

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0iDr2netauc

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4YS3gGpnPe8

SHIRIN https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sherin+neshat+video&docid=608047453806005638&mid=0992FC2039EBDCC6A8B90992FC2039EBDCC6A8B9&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

MARIANA https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=abramovic+artist+exhibition+room+iterview&ru=%2fvideos%2fsearch%3fq%3dabramovic%2bartist%2bexhibition%2broom%2biterview%26FORM%3dHDRSC3&view=detail&mid=671F0980512934941E96671F0980512934941E96&&FORM=VDRVRV

How to push and expand mark making and a visual research practice – how does one enable a piece of artwork to be encompassed within its own rights it identity and environment incorporating the documentation of the processes / intermix and dematerialisation

Understand my strengths within art practice BUT identify that I need to be open minded with materials and how the surface is utilised – within the chosen areas to where the work is being placed or will I work on the physical artwork - a malleable piece of artwork or nomadism. In addition, to highlight that the actual process of approaches and methods to art

1. Planning presentation 1 - statement and presentation to the group

2. Start experimenting with materials that can easily be used within a workshop-based session – restrictions of artwork and filter as layers – collaged artwork

3. Looking at the importance of mark existing and not existing within artwork works for this project ?? questionable if I need to include colour or to keep it clinical and sterile (white)

4. Mark making examples in sketchbook working in squares.

3 to 4 weeks

Using my reading materials and taking contextual ref form my previous project I can broaden my understanding and knowledge on monochromatic and pushing this further within my FMP. At this point as my starting objective for the project – I can identify that I would like the project and responded in a particular way.

1. How art, materials, surfaces can cause clashes with visual research and method approaches?

2. Does the work need to feel complete?

3. opposite ?

with each other and how one (audience) sit with engaging with my outcomes – do they feel comfortable?

4. Should my artwork realistically depict the subject of methods and therefore should the artwork matter as much>

5. or is it the documentation of artwork?

Investigate different artist and artwork that has this same feel or effect.

Looking at works that use materialistic views or engagement with mixed media approaches towards artwork.

Understand the relationship between materials and biodiversity.

I need to identify a specify narrative structure for my work – so it does not become muddy (my presentation needs to be clear and get a feel for what it is I am wanting to ultimately investigate)

Concepts ideas;

Fabrication

Human connection

Sustainable materials

Space

Environment

Mono

Expanding connections

Collision

Again are areas that I like to explore – but how have artist used this in the way that they approach their artworks?

How will I build a solid project?

1. Does it have to have a meaningful ending? On the other hand, could it be merely an experimental project or process that involves materials, processes and technique?

Research further into the ideology that visual representation can be translated within mixed media work has a greater manifestation than the context. –

Presentation complete draft to be sent over by week three (email across)

5 to 6 weeks

I think I need to scrutinise the project and see if it will hold up with some substance – methods and approaches work and give it time to develop.

I know I am going to enjoy working on my FMP project and experimenting with it.

This week I also would like to create some collages, photography elements to the project and some screen-printing to try to figure out what medium and practise I would like to use within the project – or a combination of it all. I must document all examples in my big journal.

Build up a sketchbook with: 1. Collage

2. mark making

3. photograms

4. screen-prints

5. Photographs

6. filming and documenting

7. illustrations

Monochromatic and structure – ONLY using white. I want to explore the idea that lines, structure, mark making can interact with each other but also repeal one another very much like the Filtered layers, socialism and connecting with human ology – using text and type to communicate this is vital

Asses the scoop of the project at this stage and assess is the practical work in marring up to the theoretical but the relationship it has within the restrictive artwork and installation of artwork. There are some monochromatic / theories that artist use that I would like to use to lean on for visual representation and ideology

Horn

Kausama

Barneby

Hanesen

Mark Rothko

Bolatinski

Franz

Richard Long

Fiona Banner

Rebecca Horn

Robert Motherwell

Wool

Marian

Shirin

Working and keeping up with the MA are demanding = keeping a PDP going and making documentations of links and where I am with my FMP is really important.

The demand for stretching myself with work, children and MA are really challenging at times.

7 to 8 weeks

I have decided to create combinations of work for this project – how can I show case when I am merely working in one medium or one process to fit in with different sizes ( I am really enjoying working on a smaller scale for my FMP) The point of the project is to create a feeling of things shifting, fabrications, and layers, connecting with human presence and shaping through experimentation the restrictive art forms - I feel this connection can be completed with collage and type imager SEE EXAMPLES

I will work with

Mixed media mark making and introducing typography and advertisements from magazines and newspapers. – Illustrations & imagery (drawings of places, people, and locations)

Some expressive experimental artwork using boxes and circles.

All the above to be in ONLY black and white BUT predominantly white the idea of something in-between – clinical, absorbed – bleached.

I need to work on a smaller scale and I need to broaden the range of materials and the way that they are manipulated within the restrictions of the artwork – a fabrication of materials that can be caught, trapped e over time building up another layering – double exposure. I may also explore photography this week – working with light and creating a series of works at home and in the dark room.

More time is needed and spent doing my contextualisation and keeping up to date with the documentation of all practical work.

NOTE* I must add analysis to the journal and underline how the.

(BLOG)

8 to 9 weeks

Understanding of my practical work and where it is going.

1.A discussion about how has the project been questioned?

2. Analogue and engagement of physicality within art practice

Aim – this week my aim was to create a series of works based images mark making in response to media and personal expression

Building up photomontages / collages created from last week

Here I will assess where I am with work. I know I need to apply myself with theoretical research – and research theory and thinking behind

I have really enjoyed the freedom of creating artwork but also restricting myself on the type of artwork that is produced. I would like to start to investigate surface area and materials – such as multi layers and clusters of artwork. The works that I am producing in either B+w are interesting me and inspiring me to develop these further through miniature square windows (see sketchbook) I like the idea of looking into a window or viewfinder Being able to push the ink through and explore the notion of time, matter and

10 to 11 weeks

Methods explored and applied in the development of my concept and towards the final outcome;

“Nietzsche claimed the exemplary human being must craft his/her own identity through self-realization and do so without relying on anything transcending that life—such as God or a soul. This way of living should be affirmed even were one to adopt, most problematically, a radical vision of eternity, one suggesting the "eternal recurrence" of all events”

How can we interface this into methodology of artwork and practices?

Marina Abramovic

The Abramovic Method developed over decades of research on performance and immaterial art. Created by Marina Abramovic, the Method is an exploration of being present in both time and space. It incorporates exercises that focus on breath, motion, stillness, and concentration

DO THEY NEED TO PHYSICALLY see the photographic evidence as viewers? Synopsis? Or does the artwork justify the act of breaking boundaries

The question I need to identify is:

2. If this work was created in sections and was cut up and put back together would it make the.

3. viewer uncomfortable?

4. Was there a greater need to create tension to the viewer?

5. Can the work be a cluster?

6. A series of piece?

7. Does it have to be an installation piece?

8. Can it be a piece over tine that it forms itself?

9. A realisation of materials?

10. What and why?

11. They must matter.

Can the project be a contradiction between contemporary theory and nostalgic lifestyles and life cycles?

Does the documentation of work matter more than the physically artwork?

Restricted yourself as an artist – does this help and aid the work more?

Create and generate a series of books - monochromatic with lots of mark making but explore individual LINES sensitive marks, controlled marks, expressive marks, raw and virgin marks not touches …etc.

Print off all my contextual artist I have been researching and analysing add them to my little journal

12 to 13 weeks

HALF WAY

Go through checklist:

· Print all photographs

· Thumb nails size and add to a sketchbook

· Bibliography

· Portfolio – add everything and present it professionally

· Photographs of outcomes are printed out and analysed in my journal

· All practical sketchbooks have been completed

· PDP printed out and put into a folder along with

· Artist statement

· Proposal

· Bibliography

· PDP evaluation

· All contextual material printed out too

My choice of mediums and project concepts have been applied and analysed in my journal- I have considered how my choice of material and art practices reflect and respond with the concept. To summaries I feel at this stage I could have worked faster and organised myself better however I am working fulltime with two young children I am hoping I have done a good enough job – but also installing some belief and confidence back into my own art practices.

Learning material and contextual ref has been vital along this project and I have been introduced to many artist who take on the notion of journey and form of experimentation within their artworks as their outcomes rather than the physical piece itself.

Specific deadlines and independent thinking has allowed me to action plan and organise my work for the first project.

I have met all the above targets and completed them through written analysis in my journal (PLEASE SEE VIDEO AND TUMBLR TO SEE EVIDENCE)

Artist; They are all relatable and connect in some shape within my research and theory based investigation. I do need to identify that these artist have given a greater understanding of art and how to conduct yourself as an artist Having the audience get you and understand you I think is important even if they agree or disagree.

Project Topic or Theme: Mixed Media – Adaptability with medium and environments

-Understanding how artwork can have an impact on the environment, firstly I would like to begin by researching and contextualising on how and why artist work onsite. The idea of exploring a space is intriguing. Complexity is something that I would like to bring into an installation space / exhibition. Using natural materials and elements but pushing the boundaries of mark making and construction.

-Exploring materials through various manipulations and transitions through spaces, For the final major project I would like to trial and experiment with lots of media / mediums but only working in monochromatic (black and white) I am also keen to select material that are seen as sustainable materials and applications. The idea of sourcing recycled materials will be an area to work on.

-Identifying how artwork can adapt and be negotiated through environmental factors, Visualising how work would work aesthetically on different spaces really intrigue me. Can one piece of work be adaptable and change the interface of the concept and theme? The theme I N T E R M I X is where I see the project having multilayers of exploration and conceptualism.

-Understand how artwork can be viewed in different spaces,

I know I would like to install pieces of work and a large space will be necessary – it would be exciting to see how the one theme can be altered depending on space, light and height. How the artwork is viewed too is also of key importance to me,

-Explore the relationship between materials and the audience,

How the relationship is explored and used between material and audience is important because the work that I am hoping to create is about connection. I want to feel a connection / physically and mentally. The work needs to approachable and through the materials that are sourced – humanity

-Identify different surfaces and negotiation,

Identifying surfaces and working to a large scale is where I would like to take the project but negotiation is also just as important. Not overpowering a space so the concept gets lost.

Dominique White weaves together the theories of Accelerationism and Afrofuturism with the nautical myths of Black Diaspora into a term she defines as the Shipwrecked; a reflexive verb and state of being. Her sculptures demonstrate how Black life could extend beyond its own subjective limits and act as beacons or vessels of an ignored civilisation defined as the Stateless.

White uses her personal perplexities towards her artworks and large installation places – what is fascinating is the scale of her work and intricacy. The idea of hanging and plastering fabrics suspended is an area I would really like to explore.

Portfolio and practical work will be at uni.

Collate and make sure all written items for the project have been printed out and are easy to locate in the portfolio.

Visual aid and sources of materials are clear, highlighted in small journal, and large.

COVID - having a huge impact on my personal and professional life (trying to juggle the two with my FMP) now home-schooling and teaching my students from home

I will need to have a BREAK from the FMP over Easter

14 to 18 WEEKS hand in week ( timetable varies depending on work pattern and COVID)

Weeks 18 to 21 FMP project time (crit meeting via zoom / GC and Veronique LOTS of handing in planning and realisation of the project going digital

Weeks 22 to 24 September (back teaching and working schedule has become stressful hand in 25/09/20

Practical work is at a stage where I want to start a new concept or take it to another level. I have had to change the outcome of the work to suit the space and LOCKDOWN COVID– I very much enjoy challenges where it comes to changing and shaping the malleable form of my practical artwork.

Start my PDP evaluation.

Artist; They are all relatable and connect in some shape within my research and theory based investigation. I do need to identify that these artist have given a greater understanding of it.

• Original Proposal as a digital document

• Digital documentation of completed works, work in progress and anticipated outcomes/ mock-ups

• Digital documentation of supporting and experimental works

• Copy of Mid-Module presentation, revised following feedback for the start of Tri 3

• Degree show plan - an enhanced professional document, as a virtual project that presents your ideas for exhibition, outlining curatorial considerations, plans for exhibition and selected work.*

• (Don't forget to complete and include a Risk Assessment). See this example. N.B. In this you should consider any risk factors, also including contingency measures regarding Covid 19

• Digitised Research Journal/ Workbook

• Digitised Sketchbooks and preparatory work

• Completed MA Masters Project PDP as a digital document

• Digital Sample folder of 4 selected artworks.

My journal has become a big part of my project ad I feel slightly connect to it. It has become a great source of me writing and analysing the practical work and my journey from A to B. I am hoping it will give you an insight into my thinking with the project.

I hope it comes across well in my blog via tumblr ( I will digital documenting this)

Exhibition or installation space – photograph / plan and mock ups the findings and the different outcomes and stages of the work – with the group working together we have come up with a plan and how it is going to take shape (please see my DEGREE SHOW PLAN) .

Objectively I would like to create different fragments of the work in different states, open sides, and stretch it over the wall WITH MY COLLECTION OF COLLAGES extended the artwork from the wall and located space I have decided to go (hypothetically RUS 103)

Seeing the outcomes transferable and malleable is important to me along with the concept of the project

LAST WEEK – FMP project MA

Go through checklist:

• Print all photographs

• Thumb nails size and add to a sketchbook

• Bibliography

• Portfolio – add everything and present it professionally

• Photographs of outcomes are printed out and analysed in my journal

• All practical sketchbooks have been completed

• PDP printed out and put into a folder along with

• Artist statement

• Proposal

• Bibliography

• PDP evaluation

• All contextual material printed out too

• Photographs and work 4 IMAGES added to my journal so Veronique can find them

• Outcomes ready and bound together – SEE BLOG

• Make sure that journal is up-to-date wit notes and practical analysis

• Hand in date ALL ONLINE AND DIGITAL FORMAT COVID May

• Plans and drafts / evidence of all site specific and exhibition pieces

Fabrication

Human connection

Sustainable materials

Space

Environment

Mono

Expanding connections

Collision

BAKCK to the importance of the my FMP

My choice of mediums and project concepts have been applied and analysed in my journal- I have considered how my choice of material and art practices reflect and respond with the concept and that the relationship between site and space is JUST as important. To summaries, I feel at this stage I could have worked in the site space more BUT due to time and working fulltime, I could only visit this space on a weekly basis. I feel I could have planned and organised myself better! However, I am working fulltime with two young children I am hoping I have done a good enough job – but also installing some belief and confidence back into my own art practices (fingers crossed) I have really enjoyed the personal developments and creative flow within my FMP project.

Learning material, how to curate and contextual ref has been vital along this project and I have been introduced to many different views and ways of seeing space and theory who take on the notion of journey and form of experimentation within their artworks as their outcomes rather than the physical piece itself. – WHEN FACED WITH LINITATION due to covid and lockdown my work has become even more sensitive and personal

Reference to videos and artwork that I have been looking at in prep for the next stage of my FMP

http://www.erikmarinovich.com/

http://www.davidcarsondesign.com/

https://cb-smith.com/

http://misprintedtype.com/

https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=tarantino+graphic+design&qpvt=tarantino+graphic+design&form=IGRE&first=1&scenario=ImageBasicHover

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI4shGV1EsM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MV13C0RnVc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQKiLYEqVq4

https://www.egon-schiele.net/

https://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/tate-liverpool/exhibition/life-motion-egon-schiele-francesca-woodman/five-things-know-egon

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=egon+schiele&docid=608031077067591259&mid=C00B7CAE90E28FB31915C00B7CAE90E28FB31915&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

http://www.visual-arts-cork.com/famous-artists/schiele-egon.htm

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BN73JesYJhc

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0iDr2netauc

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4YS3gGpnPe8

SHIRIN https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sherin+neshat+video&docid=608047453806005638&mid=0992FC2039EBDCC6A8B90992FC2039EBDCC6A8B9&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

plan to use RUS 103 as FMP exhibition

Specific deadlines and independent thinking has allowed me to action plan and organise my work for the first project.

I have met all the above targets and completed them through written analysis in my journal and BLOG

Outcomes

Crit

Presentation

Ref

Artist statement

Ass criteria

Run through and check everything of the list

July to August in six week break I was able to pick my FMP again

I have located and visited varies locations during this project. Write up analysis on findings and photographs as back up evidence.

Gather all visual aid and material at this stage of the project. – with LOCKDOWN LIFTED

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