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rileythelonelyalien · 1 year

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Dottore xGN! Reader (Reputation)

A/N: This is a hurt/comfort fic with dottore I will add a bit of warning there is a description of feeling inadequate as well as a few other negative stuff so if you are not in the right mindset to read this please do not !! Apart from that I apologise if this fic is structured weirdly this was done in my phone I usually do this stuff on a laptop (this is not proofread either so I do apologise for any mistakes). Anyways I hope you enjoy the fic :))

There he was tall, proud and intimidating , his aura seeped into everyone else's as his dominating spirit consumed everyone else within the same vicinity of him and yet next to him stood his polar opposite. Meek cowardly and anxious they cowered away their posture giving away their emotions , their heart on their sleeve. Upon seeing such a duo you would assume that this domineering person had the other under some sort of captivity however that was not the case , in fact they were by his side willingly not daring to leave. That was something they could not handle , they enjoyed the warmth of his hand slithering down their body to rest upon their waist as he pulled them into his side sharing his body heat to combat the unforgiving weather. The way he gracefully wraps his coat over their shoulders in order to give them a sense of security allowing them to finally relax under his watchful eye. They loved him and he loved them…

However how come such a bold independent man chooses to be with someone so pathetic. It was truly comical to see such a sight yet no one dares to say anything no one dares to point it out or speak out.

You gently grab onto his hand as you try to keep up with his quickened pace , you feel his hand comfortingly squeeze yours back, a small sign of his affection towards you. This was unexpected however you hadn't imagined that his presence would be needed so soon , especially from his co-workers. An out of the blue meeting had made its way into his schedule , yet he was not about to let this separate the two of you for he had pledged to dedicate this day to the both of you. Thus that's how you had managed to find yourself in an extremely confidential meeting with the rest of the Fatui Harbingers. Several pairs of eyes pierced through you , almost as if they were staring into the contents of your soul, the tension of such a situation building and thickening enough to make your airways convinced that you were being suffocated from a lack of oxygen. Although visibly uncomfortable with the situation you had found yourself in there was no way you could escape as Dottores esteemed plus one you couldn't just up and leave and so you had to suck it up. Even if you couldn't breathe suck it up. Even if you could feel tears brimming at your eyes suck it up. Even if you just wanted to bury yourself into the arms of your lover suck it up.

Suck it up.

Suck. it. up.

You could not disgrace your lover's image any more than you already have your hands resting on your knees balled into fists as your nails began to dig into the skin of the palm of your hand. Yet the pain only served as a distraction , a distraction to all the looks you were getting ,all the hypothetical situations that rushed through your mind. Goodness you really are pathetic you thought to yourself as many other beratements made their way into your psyche.

You feel something enveloping one of your hands , you look up to your hand to see that your lover had discreetly brought his hand to yours and rested it upon yours , before tapping your balled up hands with his finger insinuating that he wanted you to open your hand. Reluctantly you oblige his request slowly opening your hand the crescent marks on your palms now visible , he doesn't whisper a comment about them or even try to sold you instead he intertwined his fingers with yours his thumb resting on top of yours as he gently rubbed your hand with said thumb. An act of consolation from him, his voice booming once he had something to say yet you weren't listening to the context of even the words themselves, just listening to the melody of his speech soothing you allowing you to tear away from the piercing stares and the cloud of anxiety that had taken over your mind. Soon enough with this small gesture you could feel some of the tension within you begin to subside , although still very uncomfortable you knew that your lover had your back and would be there for you in such an unfavourable situation. You notice that his leg is jumping up and down quite intensely , this was a habit your lover had : whenever he was feeling impatient or agitated or a heightened sense of any negative emotion he would unconsciously start to move his leg about. From this you could see that he was just as in a bad shape as you were and so even if it was the smallest gesture you could muster at the time you gently squeeze at his hand. He reciprocated this squeeze with his own and with that his leg began to shake less intensely albeit it was still moving about it was much less than when you had first noticed it.

After several excruciating hours later the both of you had finally been released from the suffocating atmosphere which was the meeting room. Slowly but surely all the eyes that were once staring intently at you begin to leave going back to their own lives and duties. Then it was the two of you left in a cold room , it made your skin crawl, the silence was deafening. The perfect conditions for your head to begin to swarm with foolish thoughts once again. However this did not happen as now a much softer voice than earlier spoke out to you. ‘I apologise my dear , I had not foreseen such an event occurring’ a small sigh leaves his lips as the grip on your hand tightens slightly trying to show just how much he meant his words. Although this was not needed you knew him quite well and was aware at how much he saw the entire meeting as a hindrance in his already heavy schedule with you on this day. You manage to bring a soft smile to your face as you bring your free hand to cup his face as you part your lips to say ‘my love it matters not where I am or what we do as long as I get to be by your side that is enough for me, besides we still have the rest of the day to do anything we want to’ You provide him with a optimistic viewpoint even if you yourself didnt feel optimistic you did not want to cause anymore additional worry to him.

He leans into your touch as he hums to himself in contemplation ‘Yes you do provide a valid point my dear, although we were interrupted we still have the rest of the day to enjoy eachothers company.’ With that in one fell swoop he brought his arms to scoop you up into his hold.You let out a squeak of surprise not expecting this sudden action from your lover, he could hide his amusement as a smile creeps onto his face. Carrying you as if you were the most delicate possession he owned , well you were in his eyes. Soon enough you had both returned back to where you once were before Dottore had received the letter from a fatui agent requesting his presence. Once again surrounded by the luscious greenery, the vibrant colours of the blooming flowers and other specimens decorating the greenhouse. There he gently sets your feet onto the floor again letting you adjust yourself and stabilise before letting go of your figure momentarily before wrapping an arm around your waist. You lean into his frame , the both of you continue where you had left off slowly walking around the sanctuary of flowers admiring the beauty of each specimen with Dottore providing a scientific description of each one to you. Listening intently you bring your hand out to lightly run your fingers across the petals of said plant, yet you are so focused on your lovers voice whilst being entranced by the beauty of this plant you don't notice him slip a few flowers into your hair allowing himself to revel in your beauty and just how these flowers can not compare to the adorable smile adorned on you face.During this moment of vulnerability from him his voice trails off forgetting what he was even talking about , you look back up to him with a quizzical look ‘why’d you stop , did the uses for this flower slip your min-’ before you can even finish the last word of your sentence his lips collide with yours sharing his warmth with you.

Reluctantly he pulls away leaving you astounded by this quite big show of affection , you were certainly not expecting that you could feel your face heat up as you turn your attention back to the flowers in an attempt to hide just how flustered he had made you. He chuckles softly to himself , you truly were so amusing , I must do this more often with them’ he thought to himself as you continued on and listened to your inquiries about the next flower.

#dottore #dottore x reader #genshin dottore #genshin fandom #genshin fanfic #genshin impact #genshin x reader #dottore fluff #fatui dottore #fatui harbingers #genshin

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rosekasa · 6 months

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20 questions for fic writers!

thank u @jattendschaton for tagging me 🥺 i love these questions

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

i have 107 on maketea, but with my um. two other accounts i have 128

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

on maketea i have 293,935, but with at least one of my other accounts (one of them is for ml and one of them for another fandom, the latter of which i cant be bothered to log in to rn shdjsk) the total is 313,681!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

miraculous ladybug mainly! but i have also written for owari no seraph. ive written for other fandoms but im not counting it if i literally only have one work to my name for them HSJAJA with ons at least i have 3 on maketea and 12 on my other account

THEORETICALLY. i also write for sailor moon. i have a substantial amount in my google docs. they just havent manifested themselves into existence yet

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

apology gifts, like poles of a magnet, new marinette, a nine-year old (fhfjsj), and i'll marry you! ive actually had kudos/hits/comments stats hidden on ao3 since 2021 so i have no clue how many kudos any of these have which is very funny to me

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i try to but i always get distracted midway through going through my inbox which is totally on me fjdkka. i always decide to do it when im literally in the middle of class for whatever fuckin reason HAHAHA. i also always feel bad because im like 'oh i havent replied to this in literally two years im too embarrassed to reply now'

i also want to reply with more than just 'thank you' because comments mean SO MUCH TO ME but i think i psych myself out of replying because im too scared i won't be able to express it properly

im trying to resolve to get better at it!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

ehemememem. ya'aburnee.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

ooh, id say new marinette! in terms of like. the emotional arc or whatever

i was gonna say lpoam, but i think there's still a bit of lingering Sad there

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i want to say no. but ive been writing fics for ten years now and i feel like i mustve done Something weird when i was younger

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yep, for an old fandom on wattpad!

shdkska this is really funny, but back then i made a playlist for the fic, and i remember the person who translated it wrote in their translation of that chapter 'i wouldve done it differently but it's okay' that still makes me laugh

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yep, i did one for owari no seraph and one for ml! i have some others in the works tho hehe

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

guess

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

oh hmm. i think i am delusional and believe all my wips will someday be finished HDJFJSJS so im changing this question to 'doubt you will in the near future'. for that, id say maybeeee my amnesia adrien fic. 40k words in the doc and babe is still marinating

16. What are your writing strengths?

hmm. i think im quite good at writing interactions! i mean, i like the way i write them at least. i love capturing the feeling of being with people and i think i do it well!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

there's something that feels kind of hesitant when i read my docs sometimes? it feels like im worried to hit the point of the plot head-on and skirting around what i actually want to say. i think what i'm trying to do to improve is to be a bit more direct in my narration style and focus on being descriptive only when it's needed.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

ive done it before!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

oh i dont want to answer this. one direction

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

like poles of a magnet <3

tagging @destiny-with-you , @mozzygan , @asukiess , @ladyofthenoodle , and whoever else wants to do this!!! just say i tagged u when u do it hehe

#♡alizeh talks♡

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banamine-bananime · 2 months

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preface: i was writing a list of my headcanons for funsies and got completely derailed with angsty grimmons shit that needs to be scooped out of that post because it’s stupid long. so here

grif worked in honolulu a couple years after hs graduation until kai was old enough (17) he felt he could leave. did a year at university before realizing he’s smart enough to be admitted to cornell but not to get the scholarship he realistically needs to not be in crushing debt on graduation, and also there’s not nearly enough regimentation to college life to prevent him from rotting in bed paralyzed by “oh my god i don’t have Responsibilities That Need To Be Done Right Now for the first time in forever and idk what to do now” and executive dysfunction. went through basic and stationed on the doomed outpost. That Whole Thing (a polite way of saying “sneaking off for a nap on duty, sleeping through a massacre, and waking up to find literally everyone else dead”) was the nail in the coffin that pretty much shot his last shred of motivation and hope to shit, and based on his behaviour and psych eval afterwards (best summarized as “learned helplessness that everything is shit always and he’s useless and never gonna be able to help anyone so 👍 fuck everything fuck everyone just try to eke some hedonistic joy out of life before you die”) he was reassigned to the sim soldiers.

meanwhile simmons tried to do university several times and had to drop out for mental health reasons (a very polite way of putting “rapid spiral into absolute disaster every time”. it leaves room for giving him the benefit of the doubt that this was a proactive “ah i should take care of myself and this is not working for me :) #selfcare #therapy” decision. this is not benefit of the doubt that anyone who knows him would extend.).

I go back and forth on whether to roll with the “that one throwaway line with a suspiciously specific hypothetical of being in a unit that was stranded and had to eat their dog to survive” thing or just say he was assigned straight to sim troopers. on the one hand, i really love grif and simmons having a parallel immensely traumatic first assignment that made them both Worse in kinda similar kinda opposite ways in line with the ways they were each already fucked up

(grif “life is inherently a garbage fire. i am useless. all i can do is look out for myself and save my own hide by absolute never trusting any authority, refusing to get attached to the other fuckers around here (they’d hate me anyways so just let them hate me), and obsessively hoarding any access to food and shelter and comfort because Maslow said I can’t work on health or belonging or esteem until i do :/ yeah i know, sorry, i’ve got a doctor’s note from him right here.” vs simmons “my life is a garbage fire probably because everyone around me is an idiot fucking something up but also because i’m not trying hard enough. i’m sure if i keep Performing The Maladaptive Behaviours even harder they will work and i THEN will feel respected and powerful and loved. you see you just have to keep repressing every feeling so you can suck up to anyone you detect a whiff of Authority Figure on no matter how little you actually respect them, and follow EVERY RULE and work and work and work. and you had better abandon any compunctions about things like eating a dog you loved or backstabbing a friend for brownie points from the CO who hates him or Literally Murdering your CO for a promotion. and if you ever stop desperately trying, fighting dirty looking out just for yourself, and instead just sit still for a moment and enjoy sincere zero-ulterior-motives connections with people, you will probably definitely immediately die of starvation or exposure (it is a metaphor you see. of exposure to the elements while stranded without resources. for the agonizing exposure of allowing yourself to be known.)”)

on the other hand i’m like whoa now. this boy’s got enough problems we really don’t need to be giving him any more or we’re really never gonna pry him free of the woobiefication fics.

#rvb #red vs blue #dexter grif #dick simmons #alexa send post #grif #simmons

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neophele · 1 year

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Intoxicated

With the stress of college, a casual night of drinking with friends is a rare opportunity to wind down. But when Mark falls asleep on your sofa, you can’t help but beg your boyfriend to indulge your one wish. Just one little kiss never hurt anyone, right?

Genre: college!au, probably angst? Maybe a bit suggestive? Words: 2k Pairings: y/n x Jisung (established), y/n x Mark (ish) Warnings: Drinking. Infidelity? Maybe slightly questionable consent? Sad Jisung I’m sorry TT ((not properly proofread ik it’s a bad habit)) A/N: This is essentially a rewriting of Ling Shuhua’s 酒后 cos whenever I read it I picture Mark :>

A night of drinks with friends, sweet liquor poured between cups and even sweeter laughter floating between lips. But, like all good things, it had to end.

Their energy reached a crescendo, only to fall from that point onwards. Haechan was the first to start yawning, Renjun elbowing him in the ribs and giving him a broad smile.

“You’re calling it a night already?”

“It’s these stupid deadlines ruining my fun,” He grumbled. “It’s okay, semester ends in a few weeks, we can celebrate properly then,”

You smiled at the boys, the alcohol making you gentler when you’d usually want to join in the teasing. You knew everyone was stressed, and as much as you wanted to keep enjoying the company of your friends, you also wanted to maintain the fine balance between managing the workload and still having some semblance of social life. Pushing one or the other too far would only lead to more stress. “Make sure you rest up,” You nodded towards Haechan, pressing your lips together into an understanding smile. Jisung’s hand snaked around your waist, pulling you closer to him on the sofa. He kissed the side of your head lovingly, lost in your presence and infatuating sweetness.

“Get a room!” Chenle cringed.

“Yeah, time to leave these lovebirds alone,” Jaemin wiggled his eyebrows.

“Okay, let’s go,” Jeno sighed, standing up and holding out a hand to pull up Jaemin, who languished in taking his time to rise up to meet Jeno’s eyes.

You freed yourself from Jisung’s embrace, standing up from your seat next to the tall boy on the sofa and checking the room to ensure everyone had gathered their things. His hand found yours, gently lacing his long fingers between yours, rubbing a thumb over the back of your hand in a reassuring sign of adoration.

Counting five heads making their way to the front door, you looked behind you to find the straggler. You laid your eyes on the eldest, oversized hoodie pulled up over his hair to conceal the lean figure you could only imagine, unmoving except for the slow rise of his chest as he puffed oxygen through his lungs. Jisung noticed, letting go of your hand to move towards Mark and wake him.

A split-second decision, one you didn’t know why or how or when you made, but you tugged back Jisungs sleeve.

“Let him sleep, he’s exhausted.” You whispered. Jisung looked at you with big eyes, innocence you didn’t know how to do anything but squirm under as the alcohol flushed your cheeks. He smiled, nodding and taking your hand again, heart soft at the gentle concern you’d shown his friends this evening.

But it wasn’t just a gentleness, concern for friends you knew were working hard. There was something else. A desire that sparked the deepest caves of your heart, one you’d tried to suffocate for so long. But tonight, fed by alcohol and fanned by the sight of Mark’s perfectly unattainable beauty, you couldn’t smother it any longer.

Waving the rest of the boys through the door, the hugs and hair-ruffles to say goodbye gone on for what felt like far too long, you were finally alone.

Jisung turned to you, taking your rose-dusted cheeks in his hands, leaning in to place a soft kiss against your lips. You instinctively relaxed into his touch, one you’d felt a thousand times, only to tense slightly as your mind wandered through the recesses of your psyche. What would Mark’s lips feel like? Your cheeks burned harder, and Jisung smiled as he moved away, imagining nothing other than your love for him.

“Let’s take care of our guest,” Jisung chuckled, not realising how his words sent pathetic thoughts of all the ways you wished you could take care of Mark racing through your mind.

“I’ll get a blanket,” You excused yourself, darting into the bedroom to find a blanket and calm the battle of feelings internally waging inside.

Meanwhile, Jisung filled a glass of water and placed it on the table next to Mark’s sleeping body. He was out cold, sunk entirely into the comfort of the sofa, clearly a respite from how he was usually hunched over a desk.

You bit your lip as you walked back to the living room, draping the blanket softly over Mark’s legs. He was manspreading in his sleep, and you screamed at the voice in your head that wondered what it would be like to sit between those legs.

He was beautiful, there was no other way to put it. His eyebrows, for once, were not knitted in concentration - they were gently framing his closed eyes, face a picture of serenity. Supple skin dusted with a shadow of stubble just coming through. Head tipped back, the full length of his neck exposed, Adam's apple protruding so deliciously. You wondered what it would be like to be up close and personal with the delicate skin, what hearing his voice so close to your ear would sound like, a shiver running down your spine. Usually so composed, so in control, calm, seeing his messy hair strewn across his forehead, lips parted slightly in such a welcoming way, the bridge of his nose begging to be traced, you couldn’t help yourself.

“Jisung, do you trust me?” You suddenly asked. You should swallow your thoughts, you knew. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t you.

“Of course I do, baby,” he replied, tiredness present in his low voice.

“Can you let me have something I want?”

“Hm,” He turned to you, tilting his head slightly. He was excited to hear what you had to say, a spark relighting in his eyes. “And what would that be?”

“Can I…” your voice got quite. “Can I kiss Mark?”

He looked at you silently, hurt. The spark was dulled, replaced with confusion. Pain knitted his eyebrows, eyes looking at you with desperation you couldn’t stand.

“Oh,” Was all he could manage as you avoided his gaze. You panicked, suddenly wanting to take back the liquid-courage-enthused words you’d just said.

“Just, I-“ You stammered, tucking your hair behind your ear and swallowing profusely. Mouth dry, bones feeling like they’d left your body as you wanted to melt into the floor. Just as you were about to take back your request, apologise, and throw yourself into Jisung’s loving arms - you glanced at Mark again. You couldn’t deny it. You wanted this. The other boy, the one that was not yours. You wanted him. So badly.

“Not on the lips. Just his face.” You finally blurted out, seeking a middle ground to quench your desire. “It would be as a friend! He’s been working so hard, and he’s exhausted. His family is so far away that he doesn’t get to see them, and he just broke up with his girlfriend, he always looks so sad whenever he sees us being couple-y. He’s deprived of affection.”

Justifications spilt from your mouth, words trying to convince Jisung to indulge your one request.

Jisung’s lips pursed together in contemplation. Silence gripped you, threatening to shake your shoulders and knock some sense into you. This wasn’t right.

“Friendly affection isn’t the same as what lovers do,” He mumbled, looking down. You felt bad, you felt awful. Hurting Jisung was not what you wanted, not in the least.

“It wouldn’t be like what lovers do,” you retaliated. “What we do.”

Jisung glanced up at you from the strands of hair falling over his face. You reached out to him, using every ounce of charm you could muster, driven by some perverted greed to have more than your fill.

“I love you, Ji,” Your hand extended towards him, brushing his cheek to tenderly catch his chin in your fingers. “I feel pitiful of Mark whenever I see him, and if I could give him a little bit of affection, it’d make me feel a little better.”

He stared into your eyes, your gaze flamed by the intense urge you couldn’t overcome. He placed his hand on yours, gripping it and squeezing it gently.

“Do you trust me, Ji?”

“Of course I do.” He was lost in your eyes, with nothing but love and devotion in his mind. You had no idea what he would say next, and truthfully, neither did he. “Okay. Just a quick peck.”

Thrilled, you bit your lip slightly, drawing Jisung closer to nuzzle your face into his neck. He let out an airy breath, so affected by everything about you. Anything you wanted, it was impossible for him to deny. A breath slipped from his lips, taking the back of your head in his hand and holding you tight.

You broke away, eyes shining with thanks. Jisung suppressed his unease, refusing to believe you would do something that shattered his image of you as anything other than loving.

He stood up, helping you to your feet as you cheesed at him, grinning like a kid who’d just been given a plate full of candy. Jisung chose to believe you were smiling like that because of him.

“Okay,” he whispered, dropping your hands and

The idea of Jisung’s absence hadn’t occurred to you before. It made you feel sick.

“Stay, please,” you begged him, grabbing his hand.

“What?” He was bewildered, confused as to why you wanted him to see you kissing his best friend.

“I’m nervous.” You confessed. Taken aback by the delicateness you suddenly displayed, despite having just asked him if you could kiss another man, it was almost infuriating. Almost.

“Fine.”

You took a step closer to where Mark was sleeping, his relaxed form having the opposite effect on you.

“Hold my hand,” you whispered, outstretching your arm for Jisung to take.

All he could do was comply, no longer searching for rhyme or reason in your actions.

You tiptoed towards Mark's sleeping body, Jisung in hand, heat rising in every crevice you possessed. Preparing yourself to plant a tender kiss on the older boys glowing skin. Anticipation gripped your insides, the thought of placing your lips anywhere near him firing up a heat as you’d never felt before.

As your head lent over Mark’s, you could smell the faintness of alcohol on his breath. His cologne, his scent, him. Such close proximity was dizzying. You wanted to grab his face, crash your lips against his and devour every part of him. But you couldn’t. So close to his face, his pure and exposed form, your cheeks burned. Everything felt like it was pulsing, your blood thrumming in your veins with the electricity of a thousand volts.

He was even more breathtaking up close. Every slight bump on his face, every crease, every corner. Perfection. A face like his deserved to be appreciated in all it’s glory, you thought, wondering how his ex could even bear to part from his

Pursuing your lips, a tender kiss. A small, tender kiss. That’s all it would be. Something to satisfy your curiosity, to give you a taste of the forbidden fruit.

And suddenly, you couldn’t.

You shot upwards, everything becoming clear. You snapped back to reality, the heat of whatever fire you were playing becoming an icy dagger speared through your conscience.

“I thought you wanted this?” Jisung was confused, no idea why you were suddenly backing away. Had he done the wrong thing? He truly believed that you wanted to do this out of some kind of pity or guilt towards Mark. Or at least that’s what he convinced himself. Everything was making less sense than when you’d begged him to let you kiss Mark.

The weight of your actions had finally engulfed you, squeezing out the sickness of want from your heart. It could only be a gentle, friendly kiss, nothing like what you wanted. And that was somehow worse.

“No. I don’t want to anymore.”

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hiiroamagisbestfriend · 1 year

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For ur event may I request Christmas tree decorating + nazuna?

Christmas Tree Decorating!

w/ Nazuna Nito x GN! Reader

christmas tree decorating is actually so fun and therapeutic you should try it when you get the chance

Warnings: Reader falls on Nazuna while decorating, but no graphic descriptions of injuries!

It was one pleasant winter day when Keito gathered some people he knew that resided in Seisoukan dorm, claiming that he was going to give an important announcement and that it was imperative that everyone attend posthaste.

Nazuna, ever the dutiful nii-chan, was one of the first people to arrive. He started to scan the other people that were already there or just arriving, noting how it seemed to be comprised of some unit leaders and other responsible looking people.

Before he knew it, Keito deemed that enough people have gathered and cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Thank you for coming on such short notice. You all have been assigned to help make our dorm look more festive for the upcoming holidays. I've already assigned you all to your respective roles. That is all." Keito made a slight bow before pointing at a piece of paper situated on the wall, a list of names together with their respective jobs.

People naturally rushed over to it, and it was at moment like these that Nazuna curses his short stature, the taller idols making it hard for him to make out what his role was. He sighed, resorting to just waiting for the crowd to thin out instead of wasting energy hopping just for a slight glimpse.

"Ah, Nito-senpai. It seems we'll be working on the Christmas Tree together! Please take care of me!" Nazuna tilted his head upwards, his eyes meeting a certain (Y/N). Nazuna knew who you were, working on a few projects with you every now and then as fellow RhythLin idols. Though to him you were a bit more special than just a co-worker.

Indeed, in those few interactions, Nazuna had developed a very silly crush on you. The first time he laid his eyes on you, he was absolutely lovestruck. You looked cute, cool, pretty, and beautiful, and every other positive adjective he could think of at the same time! But you weren't just a pretty face either, Nazuna found it amazing how well you did your job and even found some parts about you that he would want to take after.

"Uwawawah?! (L/N)-san?!" Nazuna's mouth moved just a tad bit faster than his brain, the both of you wearing surprised expressions at his sudden outburst. "W-whaddya mean take care a' ya'? Ya shouf be takin care a' me!" Stupid, stupid! Stop talkin! Nazuna scolds himself, sweat starting to form at his forehead at how awkwardly he was handling this.

"Oh my, I've heard about your stuttering before, but it's quite cute seeing it in person!" If you thought Nazuna's eyes were a nice shade of red, then you'd have to say the same about the blush that suddenly colored his face at your offhand remark. "It seems they've already set up the tree, so that's less work for us, at least!" You pointed at the sizable tree residing just outside the dorm entrance.

You head out first, with Nazuna trailing behind you, observing the tree that was actually way bigger looking when you look at it up close. Nazuna psyches himself up, knowing that this should be the time where he shows his cool, reliable side. "Ah. Hm... I know a shop nearby where I can get some decorations. Could you go prepare the other things like ladders and such?"

Alright! Good job, me! Nazuna pats himself on the back for that one, it was almost like he didn't act like a completely different person just seconds before. "Sure thing! Oh, I've always wanted to ask this, but can I call you Nii-chan too?" You clapped your hands together in a sort of pleading motion, your eyes sparkling with expectance.

"Of course! But only if I can call you (Y/N)-chin!" Smooth. Nazuna thinks to himself.

You suddenly pump your fist in the air, Nazuna feeling inclined to do so as well. "Alright! Let's split up for now then, Nii-chan!" You shot him a smile before heading towards the nearby storage room. Nazuna didn't want to disappoint you, so he quickly found his bike and made his way to the fancy shop that Arashi and him frequented.

It didn't take long for him to find decorations, seeing as the store was also in the Christmas spirit, putting all sorts of ornaments and lights front and center. Nazuna starts grabbing a whole plethora of decorations, not wanting to keep you waiting. He was just about ready to head out when his eyes landed on a cute heart-shaped ornament that you could write in.

Nazuna chuckles to himself imagining putting your name and his in it, and against better judgement, throws it in along with everything else he was buying. At worst it would just be a cute heart ornament, but if he plays his cards right it really could be a one-of-a-kind decoration.

He rushes back to the dorm after paying, finding you setting up a ladder and some safety ropes. "Oh, Nii-chan! You're back!" You waved to him as he parked his bike nearby, dragging out the large number of decorations he bought.

'"Let's start with the lights. It'd be a pain in the butt if we did it last, after all." Nazuna surmised, pulling out a string of multicolored lights. You held your hands out towards him, as if to signal that you can put up the lights, but he shakes his head. "It'll be better for you to hold the ladder. You could also probably do a better job at catching me if I fell!"

You nodded to his suggestion, letting him get on the first few steps of the ladder before situating yourself at the very bottom, holding it at its base so that it wouldn't shake much. Nazuna quickly wraps the lights all over the tree, and you can't help but stare at him in awe. You imagined just how much more clumsily you'd be doing it, cringing at the thought of embarrassing yourself like that.

Nazuna was done in a flash, going back down to grab some ribbons and streamers to wrap around the tree along with the lights. Nazuna spent a lot of time designing the stages of Ra*bits in their earlier days, so he was already more than used to doing this kind of manual labor. Still though, it didn't really feel that great to just leave it up to him.

"Nii-chan. Can I be the one to put those up? Nazuna contemplates on this for a bit. He doesn't want to risk you getting hurt, because he's really not that confident of what he can do if you fall, but at the same time he can understand that you probably want to decorate the tree as much as he wanted to impress you.

He hands the ribbon he was holding to you, a smile on his face as a silent way to encourage you to go for it. He was a bit worried when you went up the ladder and he had to hold it down, but he knew that this was when he needed to show his grit more than ever. When he looked up at you, he saw you messily wrapping the tree in the ribbon you were holding, your face clearly showing how much you were struggling.

Nazuna thought that was really cool of you, it seemed like you weren't really experienced with this kind of thing, but you still wanted to go out of your way and try it. Seeing you like this reminds him of the other kids in Ra*bits, and how often he wants to baby them but still acknowledge their desire for independent growth. He really respects people like that, the kind who aren't afraid of stumbling and falling down because they'll just get up and try again.

He's brought back to the real world when he hears the rattling of the ladder before seeing your back growing larger and larger. The next thing he knew, the two of you had crashed down to the floor, the ladder thankfully falling a ways from the both of you. Nazuna quickly assesses the situation at hand, trying to stand back up before realizing you were laid out flat on top of him.

"(Y/N)-chin! Are ya' 'kay?!" He asks, seemingly bringing you out of the stupor caused by the fall. Your dazed expression worries him for a bit, but he can at least see that you weren't actually hurt at all, a sigh of relief making its way out of his mouth. When you realized what just happened, you quickly leapt off of Nazuna, lending him a helping hand to stand back up again.

He takes it gratefully, dusting off his clothes with his other hand as he does. "I'm so sorry, Nii-chan!" Your eyes looked a bit watery, and your hands shaking a bit after you balled them up into fists.

"Ah, Why are ya' cryin?! Ya' hurt somewhere?!" He quickly shifts around, looking for any external injuries that he could have missed his first look around. He then brings a finger up to your eyes, wiping away the tears that threatened to fall.

That action just caused you to bawl even more, making Nazuna panic, wondering what it was he did wrong. You really messed up big time, not only did you literally fall on top of someone you really admired, but he also seemed to care more about how you were doing than himself! You could see that the fall you had was really bad and that Nazuna still had to take the brunt of the damage, but he still chose to comfort you before even considering his own injuries.

You decided to suck your tears up, wiping your eyes with the back of your arm. You weren't as strong and admirable as Nazuna, but you can put up with this much pain. "I'm fine, thank you. What about you, Nii-chan?" After hearing that, Nazuna finally takes a look at his own body, wincing a bit when he touches a few parts.

"This is nothin! Don't you worry about me now, okay?" Nazuna starts caressing your head, a big toothy grin on his face as if to reassure you that it really was nothing. "Still though, we should probably just ask some of the bigger guys to take care of the rest, huh?"

You agreed with his suggestion, the two of you heading back inside the dorm. Nazuna grabs one of the nearby first-aid kits and sits down on a couch, signaling for you to sit beside him. He was about to start patting down your minor injuries with alcohol when you grabbed his wrist. "I'm fine, really. Let me do this for you instead, Nii-chan." If there was anything Nazuna learned, it was that sometimes the strongest thing a person can do is ask for help.

Thankfully, it was just a few scrapes and bruises at worst, and just cleaning the wounds with alcohol was enough. Nazuna would probably feel a bit worse for wear if you had to bandage anything. Nazuna starts messing around on his phone as you cleaned his wounds.

When you finally finished, he flashes you another confident smile. "Thanks for that (Y/N)-chin! I feel like I'm already better because of your care!" You can feel your face heat up at the compliment, choosing to just give him a soft smile of your own in response. "By the way, I already messaged some guys to finish up what we started. So we can just sit tight and take it easy for a bit."

And that's exactly what you two did, watching as the people that Nazuna called over finish decorating the tree. Before long, it was already night, and the tree was lit up in all its beautiful multicolored glory. You were a bit frustrated, not only because you couldn't do the job you were assigned, but because you had to inconvenience Nazuna Nito of all people.

You just wanted to show him the best side of yourself, but you ended up causing him more trouble. Nazuna on the other hand, feels like he should have done a better job as the more experienced and older one, knowing that you might not have fallen if he had just not begun daydreaming. The frustration was more obvious on your face though, there was a message you really wanted to tell him, but it's not like you could just outright tell him.

As if he sensed that, Nazuna brought out a certain heart shaped ornament out of his pocket, placing it in your hands. "Here, why don't you put up the last ornament? Even just somewhere near the bottom so it won't be a hassle. You can write something on it too, if you want." He hands you a pen and finds it cute how you turn away from him to hide what you were writing. When you finished writing, you tugged at his arm, telling him to come with you outside.

The two of you found yourselves at the tree again, with you clutching at the ornament in a way that prevented Nazuna from seeing what you wrote on it. Truthfully, his curiosity was piqued, wondering what it was that you were going to such lengths to hide yet still want to show him in the end.

"I'm really sorry for everything Nii-chan. You must think I'm pretty lame, huh?" You let out a fake laugh, your lips forming a line when you only received silence. Nazuna didn't think you were lame at all, in fact he thinks that he was the lame one today, seeing as his junior had to go and clean his wounds.

You hang up the decoration on a low hanging branch, and Nazuna can finally see what you wrote on it.

I love you Nii-chan! You're the coolest! It read; a small doodle of a winking rabbit surrounded by hearts taking up the space that was left.

Nazuna wrapped you in a hug, resting his head on the crook of your neck. He could feel both your and his face reaching crazy high temperatures, but neither of you wanted to pull away. He could only smile when he felt your hand wrap around his head, pulling him in closer.

"Geez, (Y/N)-chin. You're the cool one."

thats number two done! i genuinely had no idea how to translate nazuna's stutters into english and only after writing did i realize i just made him sound like a yankee *dies*

Likes and Reblogs are greatly appreciated!

#.❄️.#.✨.#enstars #nazuna nito x reader #nito nazuna x reader #nazuna nito #nito nazuna #enstars x reader

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rainysflowers · 7 months

Text

OC Fic - Mountain Deathcamas

Day 5 - "Beauty equals goodness."

Summary: Beauty equals goodness. This shrine maiden proves that in spades. Until she doesn't.

Beauty equals goodness, this much was true. It’s all that anyone can think as they stand there, watching tears roll down their red shrine-maiden’s cheeks, shivering in terror as she begs the princess and her bodyguard and their wandering friend and her companion not to kill her.

Archive Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Category: Gen Chapters: 1/1 Word Count: 832

Note: Hi I'm hijacking the Slayers Artober 2023 tag for point two seconds to show off my sweet bby Slayers Puruse OCs oh yeah oh yeah. Hope that that's okay, sorry if its not I can untag it, I just saw the prompt and my brain went, "That is SOOOO Anticlea." and i got carried away :P Might use the whole list, I have ideas and writing more about my Pursue group and my Overthrown party would be sooo fun ^^

Ao3 Link/Full Story under the cut :) It would help me out if u checked out the Ao3 link but dw either way ^^

Beauty equals goodness.

It was a statement that each and every member that traveled in Alidor’s party knew perfectly well, because they had the literal embodiment of the saying right there with them.

Anticlea had always been beautiful, no matter where in life she was.

She had been beautiful from the moment she was born up until the moment that she’d joined the group on their quest to find the prince of the green kingdom a sweetheart to be his co-ruler. Whilst she looked up at the black-haired man with squinted crimson eyes just barely holding back tears and shining in the light of the setting sun, hands clasped together as if she was in one of the prayers that she must have known well, lips moving rapidly as she spilled out all sorts of desires to come along, she stayed beautiful.

She stayed beautiful through all of it, all of the hardships and pitfalls and breakups and get-togethers that the posse had eventually come to surpass. How she did it, no one could tell.

But what they did know, anyone and everyone out there in the world knew, was that the shrine maiden had that special something that made one simply have to stop and stare.

Perhaps it was her long, black hair that poured over her shoulders and down her back in tight coils, cherry colored eyes filled with a zest for life that matched her loose and airy outfit to a tee. Or maybe it was her small eyebrows and her ever-so-slightly rounded face that did the trick, fixing her with an adorably worried expression whenever her lips weren’t folded softly into excitement. The way she shot innocent glances over her shoulder and spoke loudly like no one had ever told her that she had to quiet down. How she seemed amazed by every little thing in the world around her, loving it all with no end.

It all had a way of making her stand out from the rest, even in a party mostly composed of non-men.

Against the knight Psyche, with her two-toned eyes, her messy hair, and brash attitude, Anticlea seemed put together, albeit naive.

Against the priest Uriel, with their fair skin, empty lavender eyes, and floaty smile, Anticlea seemed inviting and vivacious.

And so, beauty really did equal goodness.

Even when it was late at night and the pair of white magic users stayed up far longer than anyone else, sitting on a log in front of the fire, discussing holy topics and new dance routines that they could duet with one another. Behind them, their long shadows cast outwards into the forest, the light from the fire licking at their skin. Uriel mentioned something or other about a magical performance that they’d managed to bear witness to once, and it sent Anticlea into a giggling fit, her long eyelashes fluttering over her cheek. In the back of their mind, the priest cannot help but feel a twinge of guilt, though it’s through no fault of their own. Things happen, they supposed, even to humans that might not traditionally deserve it.

Even when the group’s quest had led them to the heart of the sprawling desert and in front of the door to a dragon woman’s house. She froze the moment that she opened the door, a palpable sense of complete and utter horror rushing through her deep blue eyes as they widened, a long shiver rolling slowly up her spine and down her arms. The kind of thing that she hadn’t felt in years. It hadn’t fully occurred to her what that truly meant, not until the festival that night, where she sat sipping on tea at a table alone, watching the pair of white magic users dancing on stage, rounding one another with wide smiles and blushing from exhaustion. That feeling was back, far worse than before, and finally something in the antique jar collector’s mind clicked into place.

Even when the sun sat high in the sky and the party was stuck in an ambush, staring forwards helplessly at the heroes of years ago surrounding Anticlea, weapons and magical appendages pointing directly at her. She’s biting her lip, face contorted into a silent sob, hands held up in the air as a weak sign of surrender.

Beauty equals goodness, this much was true.

It’s all that anyone can think as they stand there, watching tears roll down their red shrine-maiden’s cheeks, shivering in terror as she begs the princess and her bodyguard and their wandering friend and her companion not to kill her.

Because beauty equals goodness, and she was beautiful, inside and out, and there was no way in Hell or on Earth that she was not good.

Being good was all she had.

It was her life, it always had been.

She couldn’t hold one of the seven pieces of the demon lord inside of her because she was patient and kind and innocent and beautiful and good.

Right?

#🌧op #🌧txt #🌧wrt #original character #original writing #oc story #Slayers #the slayers #slayers artober 2023 #SORRY IF SHOULDNT TAG IT BUT THIS WAS INSPOED BY IT #Im unnormal about my OCs i kiss them on the head

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every-aj-needs-an-angel · 9 months

Note

If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog. 💛

(if you've done this already feel free to disregard or throw up another 3 random facts!)

Thank you lovely! Okay my brain's back online and oversharing apparently. Apologies in advance 😂

My first toy was a pink, yellow and blue teddy bear. My whole life I refused to let Rattle Ted (original name ik 😂) go. I took him with me on holidays and school trips, not just when I was little either, I took him with me to Berlin when I was 17 sitting proudly in the back of my backpack like the lunatic I am. It still feels a little like fate whenever I look at him.

I dated and lost my soulmate when I was a teenager. Basically 15 year old me was an idiot! I left the love of my life for the new kid in school because my "best friend" started some weird competition so her actual best friend could date (and abuse cos she was lovely like that) the guy I coulda/woulda/shoulda.

My ex met my doppelganger. So as I was saying above, 15 yo me dated the new kid but that relationship was wild because his mum kicked him out and he ended up living in our spare room while we dated but this drove my stepdad nuts and I don't mean that like haha he'd yell and get mad I mean like he ended up in a psych ward after he tried to murder me a few weeks before my 16th birthday kinda nuts, but getting back to the point new kid moved to America about five years ago and got in touch recently to lmk he'd made an idiot of himself in the supermarket because apparently I have a very convincing lookalike.

#get to know me #3 random facts #things no one needed to know #sorry for oversharing #i can feel the regret already 😂#personal #aj answers

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kairospy · 5 months

Text

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @moondal514 (im a bit late my bad)

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

37,248

3. What fandoms do you write for?

All for the Game is my bread and butter, but i did write one for the Marauders

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

it takes two(but you and i are one) (AFTG / 13.6K) - the dynamic between neil, abram and nathaniel, delving a bit into the DSM-V because i am pedantic and a psych student

the ticking of a heart (AFTG / 5.3K) - andreil after a bad episode. hurt/comfort

genesis' wane (AFTG / 9.5K) - the twinyards

Owl Light (Marauders / 8.6K) - wolfstar with background jegulus but using fancy words

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do!!! i respond 99% of the time mostly because getting them makes my day (and week) so i should let the commenter know that

them: "really liked this!"

me: "hey just letting you know you made my fucking year and im no longer mentally ill so thanks for that" :)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

pf… Owl Light or it takes two

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

the ticking of a heart starts gut-wrenching but ends rather fluffy? so that one.

god i really have to post more

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i've gotten a "critique" and a bookmarks rating that's since been deleted. i would've been offended hadn't i found it funny

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i… could? the thing is my writing's very much all nonsensical flowery prose and metaphors so i fear i'd get lost in the dramatics of it all instead of actually describing that they're fucking

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i do not (yet?)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had art stolen (posted without credit) but not a fic

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had many suggestions but i've yet to take someone up on the offer mostly because it would feel like having someone do a job for free and morally that feels a bit wrong

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

lord knows we've tried @butallmystars

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Andreil takes the cake and gold, silver goes to probably jerejean (because it's my current hyperfixation), and bronze to jegulus…maybe? (the fandom has made me resent them so much perhaps i should take the medal away)

honorary mentions go to wolfstar, jily & drarry

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

…yes

16. What are your writing strengths?

um flowery depictions of the mundane? idk i like talking like a thesaurus while getting my point across with excessive metaphors

That and characterization judging by what others have told me

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

if you know that language or have a way to fact check it with someone other than google and the demon you accidentally summoned writing that gibberish, yes. 100%

otherwise, i'd say to use things like "he said in french" / "he muttered something in undecipherable german" if it's from the pov of someone who doesn't know the language

BUT do as you please, at the end of the day the point comes across, we're all here to have a good time not a long time, and people who don't know the language find it compelling :)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

…next question?

(on ao3 it was AFTG)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

probably it takes two (but you and i are one) but i honestly forget what they're about once i've posted them

No pressure tagging (apologies if you’ve already done this I haven’t been keeping track ): @butallmystars (suffer with me evelyn) & @soliloquy-dawn

#kairospy answers #ao3 #kairospy recs #aftg fic #aftg fic recs #all for the game #aftg #aftg andreil #andreil fanfic

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the-almond-and-the-apple · 2 years

Text

you (caden's version)

hi, you.

I started this on September 1st, and it's updated day by day, like a diary.

Please read the whole thing lmao cause there's a lot of shit in here that is later explained and it won't reflect my current feelings unless u read until the end

Bold of you to assume I could sit and write (however many lines of poetry this is) in one sitting.

***

I guess I figured

That I'd end up being

That Guy™

Who writes shitty poems

Instead of saying what I really want to say

I just never figured they'd be about you

You. God, you.

You think you're so Unloveable

Told me that you believed it

That you'd been told it by the people

Who were supposed to bring you up

Not tear you down

And you told me that because that's what friends do

They share stories and cry about their shitty lives.

"I'll never be loved," you say, "I'm Unloveable."

And I know you believe it, misspelling and all.

But I don't

How could I believe it?

I'm sitting here writing poetry about you

For Gods sake

You're the poet out of the two of us

Not me

What am I doing?

"I'm good enough to be Likeable, but not Loveable." You say

You are so unbelievably wrong

Hell, you play music

On the weekends

For fun.

You wait for me after every class we have together

I can't help but smile when I see you

Leaning against the wall

Looking for me.

We text each other compliments

Constantly

Back and forth

But that's just something we do, right?

It doesn't mean anything.

That doesn't change the fact

That whenever i see your name with the words

"you're spectacular, I'm so proud of you!" attached to it

My heart skips a beat

You skipped a lecture on Wednesday

Just to come to snack time with me

Even though that lecture was a one time event

Even though you hate sugary foods

Even though it was out of your way

Even though you dislike crowds

You still went with me

You light up

When you talk about

What you learned in psych last period

You're so excited to share this random information with me

That you stumble over your words.

Yesterday, you told our lit teacher, randomly,

A concerning amount of knowledge

About the pressure points in our body

"Hear me out. I know what I'm talking about."

You could barely contain your laughter.

I spend an hour and a half texting you yesterday

All because you said you wanted to get a cat

We're co-parenting him, apparently.

You suggested we name him Martele

After the joke our orchestra teacher made

Now, every time I say his name, you grin

I caught you staring at me during orchestra today

You were trying to catch my eye to laugh at something our teacher said

How I hoped you were staring just to look at me.

"You're playing with your ring," you point out at lunch today, "what's making you nervous?"

I brush it off, laughing, and blame it on my anxiety disorder

How do I tell you that you're the one making me nervous?

How do I bring up the fact that you usually spin your pen when you're around me?

You smiled at me today

To show me the tooth that sticks out when you grin

"Look," you said through your teeth, "isn't this unfortunate?"

As long as you're smiling at me, nothing is unfortunate

Least of all you

You put your arm on my head today

As we were walking from lunch

"It's because I'm tall," you said, "I've got power over you."

You do have power over me

You just don't know it

And not because you're tall

"Am I reading this wrong?" I ask you on Friday night

"Is this platonic?"

And you say no, I'm not reading this wrong

You say you've liked me all along

And I call you an idiot, jokingly

Because apparently trauma dumping does count as flirting

At least with us

The compliments? They did mean something.

Skipping that lecture? You did that because you wanted to spend time with me.

Staring at me in orchestra? It was genuine.

Being all touchy feely with me? That too.

Laughing at everything I say? Yep.

Waiting for me after every class? That as well.

And then we get to talking:

"I get that we have a mutual fondness for each other, but

is this a relationship?" You ask

What a wonderful question

I tell you that I'm asexual

That I dislike physical contact

I should have mentioned that I'm on the aromantic spectrum too

But I didn't

Because I was worried it would scare you away

"That's okay," you write, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"We don't have to do any of that."

But physical touch is one of your love languages

Who am I to deprive you of that?

The more we talk, the more the pit in my stomach grows

We want different things from each other

Something that the other can't give

You could give me what I want, sure

A best friend

Someone I can spend time with outside of school with

Someone to walk to class with

Someone who makes me laugh

Someone to tease

Someone who loves me for who I am

And for who I'm not

And never will be

Because I'll never be that person

Someone who can run up to you and kiss you whenever I want

I won't want that, most likely

From anybody

I tried to imagine us cuddling on the couch

Watching the Disney movies you've never seen

(which is most of them)

And I feel like I might vomit

And I'm sitting at my computer, crying

Sobbing

Writing this

Because I care about you so fucking much

But in a different way than you care about me, I think

My stomach itches

I pull up my shirt

To reveal anxiety hives covering my torso

I haven't been eating as much as I should

My mouth is so dry that everything feels and tastes like cardboard

My stomach hurts too

Fuck.

I should ask you

"hey, what did you mean when you said the word relationship?"

"what does that mean for you?"

"this is what it means for me."

But I can't bring myself to ask.

Why? I don't know.

Maybe it's because I know I have to see you tomorrow

And you'll probably say something sappy

Call me perfect, one more time

And I'll cry

Again

Because of you

I'm crying now, sitting here, watching the rain

You're probably watching it too

Maybe you're playing your balloon guitar

(you still need to show me that, by the way)

Or looking for the murder of crows that lives by your house

I don't know why I'm writing this

Maybe it's because I hope you have a Tumblr,

And that you'll see this.

Maybe I just need to get my feelings out.

Maybe I'll end up sending this to you, if everything works out

God, I hope it works out.

I really really hope it does.

I'll never delete anything on this poem,

Never alter a stanza, never change a spelling

Because I want it to reflect the emotions I felt while writing it

Maybe not the best artistic decision, but hey

Who cares?

It's my art

Is it our art, because it's about you?

And I realize, now,

After I saw you today

I fucked up.

I fucked up, for real.

I was scared of being loved

Because I didn't think I deserved it

I didn't think I needed to be loved

I do need it.

"Literally nothing changed," you told me after orchestra today,

"We're still friends. I don't hate you."

But I can see the sadness on your face

Hear it in your voice

This is Tuesday, for future reference

The day after our roller coaster of a weekend

(you'll know what I mean)

I wish I could go back and change it

I regret what I said

I do

Truly

But the damage has been done, hasn't it?

I can't go back and alter the past

Can't unsay what I said

We'll stay friends, sure

That I'm not worried about.

But what if I don't want to stay your friend

And you don't want to stay mine?

We both want something more

(I think)

But we're either too shy or too stubborn to admit it

Homecoming is coming up in October

Maybe I'll ask you to that

If I have the guts

If I do, I'll probably send you this poem as well

Not as a declaration of my love (or whatever)

But as a sentiment:

"you make me feel so many things that they refuse to stay in my head, they demand to be written out."

I wrote poetry for you.

I hate poetry, but not when it's about you.

Or, if Homecoming doesn't work

Maybe I'll just ask you over for Halloween

You've never participated in it before

Why not start this year?

With me?

Even if none of this works out

Even if we stop talking completely

If I can make you laugh one more time

A real, genuine, laugh

I'll be okay, I think.

Maybe that is love

The fact that I'm writing poetry about you.

Not saying that we're going to get married

Or get together

Or whatever else that could be interpreted as

Maybe love is just saying hi in the hallways

Or teaching me how to flip your pen the way that you do

Or checking up on each other constantly

"u ok?" "how was ur day?" "got any memes?"

"say hi to the crows in ur yard for me."

What if you've changed your mind about me?

What if I sent one too many apologies

Or asked you one too many questions

I think that's why I don't say it

Because I'm afraid of the answer

So very afraid

I think I believe that I have to constantly be doing Things

To deserve love

Be it romantic or not

Hopefully I can get rid of that feeling soon

Because I want to be loved for who I am

Not for what I'm doing

If I do end up sending this to you:

Hi, you.

It's still Tuesday.

And I still regret not trying to hold your hand at lunch today

No matter how you would have seen it

Romantically or platonically

I wish I had

It would have been worth it just to see the look on your face

(I'm laughing about it now, you'd have looked so surprised)

You tried to steal my pencil from me

I don't know if you remember

It was the first time I made you laugh since what happened

It made my day

That sounds stupid, I know

But it did

It feels strange, writing this to you as opposed to it being for you

There's a difference, I guess.

The fact that I know you'll read this one day scares me

"oh shit, what if he realizes I'm not a robot devoid of emotions?"

That sort of thing.

How could I be devoid of emotions when you make me laugh the way that you do?

At lunch today when you said "the only By I am is By Myself."

What I should have said was "give me some time, I'm still figuring this out."

What I ended up doing was making some random joke

I regret that, too.

The look on your face would have been priceless.

Seeing the hope in your eyes would have been even better then hearing your laugh

If you do end up reading this,

You'll probably have all sorts of critiques

Complaints about how I broke up the stanzas

Or capitalization errors

(Am I supposed to capitalize every line?)

But secretly, you'll be pleased

That I don't only give you the time of day

But that I take time out of mine

To write about you

If I had to guess, knowing myself,

Considering nothing changes for the worse

I'll send this to you right after school

On the Friday before break

That's only 17 days away

17 days since we met, too

Funny how time works like that

You know what?

I think I might do just that

Considering nothing changes for the worse,

I'll ask you to Homecoming

And send you this

And hope I don't fuck this up

Again

"Is this a...Date?" You might ask, "are you asking me out?"

"you decide," I'll say, "consider it an olive branch."

"I'd like it to be one, but I'm also cool just going as friends."

"I can bring some of my other friends along so it won't be awkward, if you choose the latter."

"no pressure."

I think I owe you that choice

Maybe, if you say yes,

I'll wear some 5 inch heels

So I can be taller then you

Finally rest my arm on your head comfortably

I should ask you in person,

If I end up doing this at all

But I won't

We're both too awkward to handle whatever the answer may be

And if your answer is no,

I'll be okay.

Really.

I'll be disappointed, sure, but

Mostly, I'll feel guilt

Because I know what we could've had

And I'll know that I messed that up

And if your answer is yes, hell

I don't know what I'll do

I haven't allowed myself to hope

If I send

"hi. i fucked up. let me try to fix this?" with a link to this attached

What will you say?

If you decide to shun me, okay.

I hope you don't shun me, though

If only to get feedback on this poem

Because I know you'll be the only one to ever see it

You're the only one I've ever written poetry for, anyways

If you decide to say "maybe, lemme think," okay.

If you decide you just want to be my friend, okay.

if you say yes (!!!), okay.

Most likely, you'll be embarrassed that I'm writing this for you

Hopefully for a good reason

But, no matter what your answer is,

I hope you can tell me what you truly think about This Whole Thing

Because we're nothing if not good communicators

And I don't want that to change because I wrote this

Hell, I'm embarrassed too

I'M WRITING POETRY

P O E T R Y

ABOUT Y O U

I'M EXPRESSING THE DEPTH OF MY FEELINGS FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THAT ISN'T IN A JOKING MANNER

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

Gotta love that for me

Please don't think that I have the ability to just hit send on this

When I do, I'll yeet my phone across the room and not check it for 72 hours

Out of pure embarrassment

Because this is, quite possibly, the most vulnerable and open thing I've ever done.

That's what poetry is, right?

Vulnerability on a page.

Or a website, in this case.

But I've already made myself a promise that you're going to see this

Sooner or later

So, I might as well go ahead and hit send

I didn't start writing this as a way to tell you I like you

It's turning out to be that, but that wasn't the original purpose

I just wrote it to get my feelings out.

I felt like I was too awkward to say it in person or over text

So here I am.

This isn't meant to be some sappy love poem

I beg you

I implore you

I plead with you not to see it as that.

It's a diary.

You just happen to be in it a lot.

I guess it functions as one, though

One that says:

"hey, I like this person and I hope he doesn't hate me for it."

"I hope things don't change too much."

It's just a shitty poem, that's all

I find it so much easier to express my feelings in writing

There's no chance for buffering that way

I guess that's partially why I wrote this

It's easier for me

I stutter too much when I'm around people I like

It's a wonder I didn't start writing earlier

Even though it's a shit piece of poetry, at least it's a start,

Right?

I'm a sappy person, apparently

Something I didn't know about myself before I met you

Maybe I'm even as sappy as you

Today is Wednesday

I realized that fact at precisely 2:16am

When I woke up from a dream

You were in it, of course

You've been on my mind a lot lately

It's no surprise that my subconscious picked up on that too

We were in Home Depot, I think

Buying potted ferns for whatever reason

There was a Starbucks inside it, too

Suddenly, you weren't by my side

(Foreshadowing? I hope not.)

I texted you:

"oi, ask me out already."

You responded immediately:

"MY LOVE,

THEY HAVE EMANCIPATED FRANCE."

I'm laughing about it now as I'm typing this

Because of course dream you would bring up this totally random information

That had zero relevance to what the conversation was

It's something I like about you both in real life and in dreams

I thought about telling you about my dream today

If only because of the rush of disappointment I felt when I realized

That you didn't actually say that to me

That we weren't actually together

I'm glad I didn't, though.

I don't think I would have been able to make you understand

Just why it meant so much to me

I hope that you know I still like you

That I still want This

I'm just a coward

Because if you Have something, then you can Lose it

And I don't think I could lose you

(Sappy me, blah blah blah. I know, shut up.)

(Blame it on the muse.)

It's easier to pretend I don't care

But I do

I should probably tell you that

But I won't

Not yet

Because you haven't texted me first in a couple of days

And I don't want to seem needy

Am I overthinking it?

Probably.

There's not much else I can do

Except do homework and write bad poetry

And hope that you'll text me soon

I'm realizing now that you don't know this

Because it's all in my head

So how could you know?

I've only said this to two people,

Only one of whom you've met

You sit next to them at lunch.

Maybe if they mention how I feel

Everything will go away

I'd rather it come from me, though,

Even if it is indirect

And even if it is through a poem

(Is that a rhyme?

Maybe I'm better at this than I thought.)

Should I send this to you now?

Right now?

At this very moment?

Walk in to the kitchen, grab my phone, and say:

"hey I lost a bet and now I have to send u this, enjoy."

Maybe that would be the better option

Because we did say we were going to figure it out

But what if this all comes too soon?

I don't mean to be pushy, really,

(no, really. I mean it.)

I just don't have any other way of putting this into words

How I feel

Both my admiration for you and my guilt about this past weekend

I'm not saying that I'm In Love™ with you

Please please please don't take it that way

I use that word extremely loosely and I use it quite a lot

I Love my parents,

My friends,

My dog,

My plants,

Big comfy sweaters,

My books,

Making people laugh,

Hiking,

My cousins,

The city of New York,

Waking up early to see the sunrise,

Traveling,

Archaeology,

Stargazing,

Music,

My cello,

You.

You get the picture.

I cringed writing that last stanza

Doesn't mean its not true

(It is)

I just wonder how you'll take it

Because, like I said before,

This isn't some gross sappy love poem

I'm not saying, "marry me."

I'm saying that I care about you

That's all this is.

And it's easier to say it like this

Instead of on the way to orchestra

Or to math

Where there's more of a chance of me getting it wrong

When there's more of a chance of you making me laugh so hard that I forget what I was saying

Where there's more of a chance of me stuttering and stumbling and buffering over my words

I hope you're just being awkward

I hope that's why you're acting different

I'd even take you believing I didn't like you back

As opposed to you losing feelings for me

Because this will be really, really, really awkward

If you've lost feelings at the same time I've finally come to terms with mine

And if you're reading this, cringing, thinking,

"Ohh, yeah, I never actually liked you," or

"This is super weird and I am Not Looking Forward to seeing you on Monday," or

"I just see you as a friend after what happened," or

"Writing poetry?? Cringe. We're in highschool, dipshit, this ain't a Disney movie,"

Or anything else that I'm afraid of you saying

Then I'm sorry.

I know I told you I don't understand social cues,

But you probably didn't know just how much I meant it.

I could be completely overstretching my bounds and I would have no idea.

Or you could find this cute, who knows.

Knowing me, with my luck, it'll probably be the former.

That would suck.

Happy Thursday, you.

I texted you late last night to clarify my feelings:

"Just because I have anxiety doesn't mean that I don't like you back. I do like you back. It just means that I have anxiety."

You were nice about it, of course

Reiterated the fact that you're okay with us staying friends

Maybe you were a bit too enthusiastic about us staying friends

Now that I think about it

Should I have seen that coming?

And just like that,

What little conversation we had today was strained

For the first time since I met you, I walked alone to math

You didn't sit with me at lunch today

Or walk with me from lunch to our next class

I feel better about This Whole Thing, though,

Because at least I was honest.

I told you how I felt, and now the ball is in your court.

There's no hard feelings, at least on my side.

I hope it's the same for you.

I won't mention This anymore, at least until you do

Because I've said my piece, right?

There's nothing else I can do, even if I wanted to.

I'm still your friend (if you'd like me to be),

I'll still walk with you from class to class (if you'd like me to)

I'll still talk to you in lit (if you'd like that)

I'd still let you play my cello (if you'd like to try)

I'd still like to see your balloon guitar,

To have you visit me at work,

To have you teach me how to spin your pen,

To smile and to laugh with you.

I'll still ask you over for Halloween

Along with a big group of my other friends

Because even though things have changed, I still care about you

You don't have to come, obviously, but sometimes,

It's the thought that counts.

The thought that says, "hey, come eat sugar and watch bad movies with us,"

The thought that says, "you're wanted,"

The thought that says, "you aren't alone,"

Unless you want to be alone, in that case,

Go for it.

I'm not going to be the person who shatters your personal space bubble.

I'd just like to be the person who opens mine to you.

As long as you know that I still care about you

That I still want you to love and be loved

That I still want you have the happiness that you deserve

I don't care what happens.

That sounds dramatic and kind of mean

But it isn't meant to be

Whatever happens with Us, I should have said

Whether we stay friends, go out, or somewhere in between

Even if we stop talking all together

As long as you know that I'd still give you the time of day if you asked,

As long as you know you can still walk up to me in the hallway,

As long as you know that there's still a place in my life for you

(Now, whether you want to take that place is up to you. It's there, though, and it's there to stay.)

I'm okay with it whatever happens

***

Happy Friday.

Is it appropriate to say that I miss you

When you're right here next to me?

When we have three classes together?

When we text each other every now and then?

When we have some of the same friends?

No matter if it's appropriate or not, I do miss you

I miss making you laugh

I miss you making me smile

I miss our late night conversations about nothing at all

(Again, a rhyme? Not bad.)

I miss when you'd crouch by my desk

Rest your elbow next to my water bottle

And ask me how my morning was

"Yeah?" You'd say, "Well, in psych..."

And you'd go on and on about it

(Not that I minded)

Sometimes, I'd catch you glancing up at me

Just to make sure I understood your joke

Or that I was enjoying the conversation

Every time our eyes would meet, you'd stop talking

For a split second

And pause to shake the hair out of your eyes

To see me better, maybe

Or maybe you were just self conscious

Sometimes, I'd glance backwards at you during class

Right after you went back to your desk

And I'd get to see you smile to yourself

About some joke I'd made the minute before

I realize that I could be idealizing this

I know it wasn't all flowers and daydreams and laughter and teasing

But it doesn't really matter, does it?

I had fun.

I think you did as well.

Doesn't change the fact that I still grin when you do

Doesn't change the fact that I wish we'd hang out more

I still see things that remind me of you

And wish we were close enough for me to show it to you

Without getting a one word response

I know the best solution to this is,

Simply enough:

Talk to you

I don't want to invade your personal space

If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine

I still text you first, though

Still smile at you in class

I hope that says, "Hi. You can talk to me if you want. I want to talk to you."

But I'll let you approach me first

Because I've already texted you about This

Now it's your turn

I'd like to think that you're just scared to bring it up

Not that you don't care about me anymore

That very well could be wishful thinking

(I did say like to think, didn't I?)

Knowing me, though

With my everlasting optimism

I'll assume the best until proven otherwise

I'll just assume you're being awkward

Or shy

Or anxious

Even if the signs are there that you're done

Done with me

***

It's Saturday, this time

And I have a thought

That thought is this:

I'd rather have you hate me than feel nothing towards me

Because the opposite of love isn't hate

It's apathy

Hate means that I'm still in your mind

But apathy?

You'd never think of me again

***

Sunday.

I've done this before, actually.

Being friends with a guy,

then the Talking Phase.

When we inevitably grew apart,

It didn't bother me

Because I didn't know what I was losing

I didn't realize that I was flirting with him

And he back at me

I just thought that was what friends did

I figured it was normal

So when we got our schedules

And I moved up a level in orchestra

Without him

Leaving him behind

And we realized that was it

I grinned at him, made a joke, and moved on

It was easy for me to let him go

Because I didn't realize the importance of what I had

But with you?

***

You walked me to orchestra today, Monday

And then walked me to math

You sat next to me at lunch today

And walked me to chemistry afterwards

That's all I have to write for today, really.

You spent time with me, it made me happy.

Hopefully it made you happy too.

I got to make you laugh for the first time in a while.

Don't have much else to say.

***

It's Tuesday.

Theoretically.

Nothing much changed.

I've got nothing to write.

I should be doing homework.

***

Thursday.

I just read this in it's entirety for the first time since writing it.

Yikes.

I am one sappy, dramatic motherfucker, aren't I?

Not saying that what I wrote isn't true

(It is)

But goddamn if I can't crank out some damn good poetry when the need arises

No, I mean it.

I think this this might be the best piece of writing I've ever created.

Blame it on the muse.

I'm over this whole Thing, really.

I'm done being sad and writing poetry and crying about It

I'm tired of being so upset over something I can't contol

Notice how I didn't say I was over you?

Cause I'm not.

I still feel all that guilt I mentioned,

I still miss you,

I still want to make you laugh,

yadda yadda.

Sappy shit.

I'm not upset about it anymore, which is good.

I've come to accept the fact that we aren't going to go out

Unless you have a plan to hand me a small creature of questionable cuteness and use that to ask me to homecoming

(I'd say yes)

We're friends.

I'm genuinely happy with that.

Are you?

I don't want to you to alter how you feel about me just because of this extremely long and wordy poem

Yes, I'd accept if you asked me to homecoming

No, I'm not planning on asking you (at least at the time of writing this.)

No, that doesn't mean I've lost feelings for you

Yes, that means I'm happy where We Are and I don't feel the need to change This

Yes, I still want to be your friend.

Yes, I am nothing if not confusing.

***

Friday.

A week before I'm supposed to send this to you.

And I've had yet another thought:

(Surprising, right?)

It isn't my responsibility to maintain relationships.

That isn't a dig at you, or at anybody

It's just something I realized.

I'm not a focal point in other peoples lives, however much I would like to be

And because of that, I don't have to go out of my way to keep them in my life

If they don't want to be close to me, I don't have to go chasing after them

I'm not required to jump through hoops just to stay friends with somebody

It's late, past midnight

(Goodnight, by the way. I didn't text you to say goodnight for once.)

And I don't know how I'll see this when I wake up the morning

If I'll wake up and worry about whether or not you'll be offended by this

It isn't a dig

Honestly

Just one of the points

On this journey called September

That I deemed important enough to write down

And to share with you, apparently

To show you I'm growing,

Thank you for that, by the way

One of the many positives of having people tell you that you're perfect

Is that, eventually, you start to believe it

I don't believe I'm perfect, of course

I'm not

I'm too much of a coward and too annoying and far too selfish to be perfect

But I do feel a lot better about myself

And I attribute that partially to you

***

Saturday.

I really am selfish, aren't I?

Thinking that I matter enough to people

For them to text me first

Or to hang out outside of school

Because nobody ever does

And that would be fine,

If I had enough self awareness to realize that people don't actually want to be around me

But here I am, ever the optimist

And I keep going after people who don't want me back

Not even with romance, I feel this way about friendships too

I've realized I've done that with you

Because if you wanted to talk to me, you would

Wanted to hang out, you'd ask

If you wanted to be around me, you'd make an effort to be

And I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it

Now, that isn't to say I don't want to be around people

I do.

But, like I wrote yesterday,

Friendships are two way streets.

If my car is ready to go and your motorcycle is firmly parked, that's fine

I just wish I had realized it earlier

That's a weird analogy, but you know what I mean.

Hopefully.

It doesn't matter how strong my desire is to have a particular relationship with someone,

Because if they think I'm annoying

Or clingy

Or weird

Or not smart enough

Or that my voice is too high

Or that I've got too much of a baby face

Or I that have too many weird hobbies

(or not enough of them)

Or that I'm too quiet

I can't force people to care about me.

So I just...exist.

On the edges of friend groups

Hoping that maybe I'll be able to make somebody laugh

Or maybe I'll bring someone a mint, as a show of kindness

Grab a ruler bookmark off a table for them

(I grabbed one for you because you mentioned you wanted one. It's in my folder if you still want it.)

Or print out some sheet music I know they'd like

Bring a deck of cards to lunch to make people feel less alone

I do all of those things, and I genuinely enjoy it

Seeing people smile is the highlight of my day

Knowing I made them laugh is even better

I just figured I would've found somebody who'd bring me a mint

Or go out of their way to make me smile

Or send me a picture of something I like, just because

Hell, I'd even settle for a, "this remined me of you." text

Because if somebody sent me that, it'd mean I was in their thoughts

Again, this isn't a dig at you

Or at anybody

I'm just ranting

There's a kind of comfort in being sad, isn't there?

You brought that up a while back

Said you believed the worst because you could only be pleasantly surprised

I see the appeal of that mindset now

Maybe it's the undiagnosed Whatever that I have,

But I don't see how people can care about each other

Without actually showing it

I care about you,

So I show it.

I text you memes,

Make jokes,

Walk you to class,

And write you poetry.

It's as simple as that.

I actually enjoy writing poetry when it's about something l like

Who knew that someone would be you?

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akajustmerry · 2 years

Text

sorry I gotta vent a second. work has been shit

this week isn't even half way done and I'm so frustrated because it's just been me being left out of the loop of stuff at work so I was made a fool of in both daily meetings cos our office manager didn't send me the Important Announcements™ that everyone else in the office got so i had done all this work that I didn't even need to do...... AND outside of work idk. like I really just told my sister that I'm disappointed I can't see her for my birthday this week but that i was very glad we can do something next week - she got up at me for "guilting" her when I literally was not. like, I said I was disappointed but glad is that not a reasonable statement? it's so frustrating that I've been in therapy for years and literally studying books my psych gives me so that I could communicate and express myself without feeling insignificant or like a bad person or hurting others because I was made to feel that way constantly growing up. but then I can't help but think what IS the point in trying so hard if all this effort I've gone to still leaves me out of people's loops. like. even my mum got mad at me for saying I didn't want to go to qld this week to see my niece and nephew for their birthdays because it's my birthday (our birthdays are a day apart) and I have plans and also I always get sick after I see the toddlers and I have important events coming up. she told me I was just making up excuses not to help. this week is just feeling like everytime i open my mouth it's a mistake, like at work when I said I was frustrated no one emailed me about a new commercial deal which meant I couldn't publish the article I'd been working on for weeks, and the office manager told me I had no cause to be angry cos that's the business. it makes me feel like I did as a kid and I'm so tired.

#being left out of the loop is so fun! It's not a trigger for me at all!!!#(sarcasm)

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animedoragon · 1 year

Text

A friend dragged me into the ENA verse, I became feral and, naturally, shoved it with my other favorite thing and made a new thing. Therefore here’s some ramblings about Bleach in a fever dream, some doodles and a wip just because I have no self control

TWs: glitch stuff, severe mental health issues because of course they’re fucked in the head, probably drugs

So first off I’m unsure if I want both gangs to meet but it would be an interesting interaction to see the broken mind that’s Ena causing havoc with Ichigo and his existential crisis, lost in that equally broken world

Since it is a dream world, I can see something going down with either Kisuke or Mayuri that puts someone of the gang in a trance and traps their minds there-- originally this comes from a game literally called LSD Dream Emulator, so, it wouldn’t be too much of a wild take if someone consumed forbidden substances and might go insane if they stay there for too long

Obviously hero Ichigo & co. kicks in, as always without measuring the kind of consequences this could have on everyone’s psyche after Kisuke/Mayuri’s warning of how this could be very, very bad for their brains if they’re not careful

Whoever thought they would arrive together to that collective fever dream was an idiot and obviously they’re all separated. I’m counting with Ichigo, Chad, Uryu, Orihime and maybe Rukia and Renji in this one btw

Nothing there makes sense and that immediately affects everyone. From Ichigo’s POV he realizes right away something’s wrong when he feels his mind split and his hollow/Shiro’s personality coming through very intensely

His thoughts also become really loud and he couldn’t help but have a mental breakdown when he finally found someone to talk to and ask for directions, all his fears and insecurities came through and he screamed and glitched without control. And then he was fine. Nothing happened here let’s move on

It takes him a bit to notice he had a breakdown at all and obviously no one else really minds nor bothers to point it out. He also notices he’s had some blackouts too when he felt in danger and starts to question if that was his hollow’s doing (yes it was)

He doesn’t know Shiro/his hollow is having bursts of rage and taking over whenever a chance arises, if Ichigo feels threatened or is scared for any reason, he will come out and he will commit the equivalent of murder in the fever dream. He’s also not aware his face changes when those happen: in a neutral state he has half of both, if Ichigo has a breakdown his face looks fully like his but crying very intensely and glitching, and if Shiro has an outburst it looks like his hollow mask with horns and with two mouths (he’s the one I’ve doodled the most lol)

It would be funny if he stumbled upon the four legged guard from Extinction Party and they deemed his threat level as extremely dangerous

Now the point where things really go wrong would be when he finally finds either one or all of his friends

None of them have full control of themselves in there and the longer they’ve stayed, the more it’s been chipping away at their sanity, so no one is fully awake by the time they meet and they all start saying things they mean but are not supposed to say

So it’s the first time Ichigo hears directly from them that they love him and he’s the best friend they could’ve ever asked for, but JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST ICHIGO WE LITERALLY CAN’T BEAR WITH THE STRESS OF THINKING YOU MIGHT DIE ONE OF THESE DAYS BECAUSE OF HOW OBSESSED YOU ARE WITH PROTECTING EVERYONE EXCEPT YOURSELF

They’re not mad at him, but the time they’ve spent in there has almost completely eliminated their filter and he’s finally seeing just how bad it’s been for them to be his friends

...which could also be mistaken for “look what being your friend has done to us”

They do call him selfish at certain points for unconsciously dragging everyone else to his fights (cue Chad and Ishida almost dying certain times, cue Rukia wanting to die but Ichigo not letting her, etc)

If they push Ichigo to his limit he might as well have his own outburst or breakdown in front of them and spit out some not nice thoughts he’s had about himself, or even about them. If it’s Shiro taking the front seat, he won’t hold back on screaming at them and telling them they’re the reason he’s had to revive Ichigo in the past or show up to save his ass, because they’re all too pathetic to protect themselves and need their hero to give up everything for them, even his own life

And that’s where I’m at rn. The point where they’re gonna very unhealthily yell at each other and release all the shit they’ve held back. Now I just gotta figure out how badly that’s going to affect them and if there’s any chance they can escape the fever dream at all after breaking each other like that

In case it’s not obvious I’m very excited to make everyone suffer <3

#Bleach #ena #lsd dream emulator #ichigo kurosaki #I have severe brainrot

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blooming-violets · 2 years

Note

I don’t understand why you wrote smitten. Dark themes are interesting but I feel that that story doesn’t really use them for good/interesting/story uses, can you explain? (And I’m generally interested, this is not hate)

Who said stories have to use dark themes for good? Who said you can't just write a straight up villain fic? Not every villain with a tragic backstory is actually secretly good in the end. Not every character has to be written as a strong hero. Not everything has to have happy endings, positive messages, and sweet little bows on top to be valid. I wanted to write a story about a man who kills people, becomes obsessed with a woman, kidnaps her and keeps her locked in a basement to have hardcore sex with her. I wanted her to be a weak person because, believe it or not, not every female character written needs to be a strong heroine figure. I wanted to explore Stockholm syndrome. I wanted to explore the psyche of a man who thinks he's doing the right thing and who doesn't see the wrong in his actions. I wanted to explore a female character who is extremely damaged and has a giant bucket full of flaws that she carries around with her everywhere. I wanted explore unhealthy relationships and people with co-dependent personality disorders and mental health issues that have become entirely derailed from thinking clearly. I wanted to muddle the lines between good and bad, right and wrong, and see what I could come up with.

And it's not even finished yet. I know how Mia's story ends. I know how her character development will go. I know if she will rise to occasion to free herself from Peter's hold or fall on her face and fail (both are perfectly valid options too! not everyone is a winner in life. sometimes people find it easier to succumb to their shitty predicaments as a coping mechanism. other times they break free. both are things that happen in the real world and both deserve to have their stories told, in my opinion). You don't know how their story will end though because I haven't finished it yet.

I wrote Smitten because I wanted to. Plain and simple. It's helped me deal with a lot of my past issues in a healthy way. It's helped me figure out why I was so secretly drawn to noncon erotica as a shameful way to get off. It helped me realize that reading or writing that stuff is not bad a thing. It's okay especially when using it as a way to heal your own trauma by putting a comfort character in the place of someone I would otherwise fear. My therapist loves that I'm doing this and that's all that really matters to me. As long as she thinks what I'm writing about is okay and healing to me then that's who's opinion I really care about.

I'm sorry you didn't find Smitten's dark themes to good or interesting but I'm okay with that because I do. It's not a fic for everyone. I say that in multiple warnings at the beginning of them. You don't have to read it if you don't like it. I promise, I won't be offended.

I love Smitten and I love the dark themes in it and, as the author, that's all that's important. I'm writing the story for me (and for @mrshipsmcgee and @liz-allyn let's be real bc they live inside my devil brain rent free and are as much as part of this fic as me at this point) and I'm posting it on the internet to a bunch of strangers. It's bound to get to people who aren't into it. That's okay. You don't have to get it. Not everything is made for you. Sometimes things are made for me and my friends and our dirty filthy brains.

#asks

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drdamiang · 2 months

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CONCERNING KYLE SHANAHAN

I feel sorry for Kyle Shanahan. I too had a barrier that to me was absolutely necessary to break through but seemed insurmountable. It almost destroyed me, but I broke through. My barrier also, as Shanahan's may well do too, involved the figure of a father -- not a successful one like Kyle's father, Mike, but one who resented and could not handle my success (getting a Ph D and being called "Doctor") at some level in his psyche.

Some things need to be spelled out and we need to figure out how we can deal with them in the best, perhaps only, way possible.

1. we need to win a SB in the next couple of years, otherwise the great legacy of the 80s and 90s will be lost. Even though we went 5-0, we still have twinges about the NFC title game v the New York Giants that we lost before they went on to beat the Buffalo Bills and started that terrible legacy for them we seem to be getting to close to ourselves for comfort.

2. we need to do this without the absolute buy in of Jed York who is just happy with a winning season

3. we cannot go to another SB and lose. Kyle Shanahan cannot go to another SB and lose, it will be bad for us but very very bad for him. We cannot allow him to get to the SB and not win. Going to SB LVIII and losing was not good. Losing how he did (hello deja vu) was worse, going there embarrassingly unprepared was worst of all -- but also made it as clear as day that to win with Kyle, an intervention needs to be made, because ...

4. Kyle Shanahan is not going anywhere. Colin Cowherd shocked me by saying he thought Shanahan managed the game really well and made the right play calls! Such is his aura with some pundits and analysts, that they just miss-see things.

5. Kyle Shanahan is not going to win us a 6th SB if left to his own devices. This is as plain as day. And he will most likely get us to another SB, and if not Mahomes it will be against another top top AFC quarterback (who beat Mahomes en route).

6. If Shanahan is helped to win himself a first SB and give us our 6th, you would not be wise to rule out a 2nd/7th and more to follow.

7. There is a sense in which Shanahan is both 0-3 at the SB, but also, in a peverse way 3-0. Did he lose to Andy Reid twice, or lose to himself twice? So if he lost to himself twice, he won twice. Same story with the Atlanta 28-3 fiasco. The other Kyle who beats the one we see losing in finals is that split-off self he needs to integrate. We need to help him to do this. We need to help him to change. Let's think about how this bad cycle started. What got lost in the 28-3 disaster v the Patriots was that he was destroying Brady and the Patriots, the supreme SB winning team organization 28-3 going into the third quarter. Would he ever coach/co-ordinate/play call with such confidence and so innovatively/positively/aggressively in a SB (or NFC title game, for that matter, again)? What were our fears going into SB LVIII regarding Kyle's coaching and game management? Were we scared he would disregard risk and go aggressive, using our known strengths in pushing the envelope, going full on Napoleon at Austerlitz against Andy Reid? Or were we scared he would be inhibited, risk-averse and err on the side of conservatism and all things vanilla (with a few over-thought tricks thrown in)? You cannot go conservative against Patrick Mahomes, but you also need to be blend what is innovative and will take by surprise with what works for us, with what we are good at. A sign of how this conservatism fails is that it produces initial dominance, the dominance fails to produce points on the board, it gets countered by the opponent, they put crucial points on the board and it is all over and we are the team of what ifs.

8. The 49ers, judging by social

media, are becoming despised by opposing fanbase because of us losing and droning on about what ifs. We are starting to surpass the Cowboys as the team America loves to hate. This is not good at all. Suddenly, out of nowhere we have extended existing rivalries and developed new ones. And yet we have nothing to feel absolutely good about, and our rival fans, especially the all-new bitter ones (the Eagles fans) know this. The downfall from this unwarranted confidence bordering on pn arrogance has delighted rival fans and been a boon for therapists getting hired to address the horrible feeling Niners fans have that their team are not going to win anything that matters (and in the NFL, unlike in English and World football, there is only one trophy that matters, in terms of which everything gets evaluated). If the team loses then inevitablg fans are to see it as a mirror of their own life failures.

9. Kyle has to change. For us and for himself. Change his practice and change his mindset. Otherwise this marriage is going to go off the rails completely.

#49ers #sf49ers #san francisco 49ers #kyle shanahan

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mdhwrites · 4 months

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My Commitment to Theme in Crises Girlfriends

This is spoilers so this is your warning about that. Specifically, it follows up on the theme presented in this sentence of the story's description: Can love even help in the face of depression, anxiety and trauma?

So again, this is your warning. Here is a link to where I'm currently, slowly, posting the whole of the original version for free in case you're not interested in buying it. Also normal trigger warnings for depression, suicide, self harm, anxiety and abuse that comes with talking about Crises Girlfriends.

Okay.

One of the characters objectively needs MORE therapy after getting a friend. Not because that friend is abusive but because of the raw terror that comes from being able to open up and what might be hiding below the surface of what you were telling yourself now that you're not just in your own head. For this poor girl, it is DEVASTATING.

In finding connection, one of the girls, Sera, finally admits the depths of her depression. She'd had to admit early on that she tried to kill herself but after someone pointed out that she'd cut her wrists horizontally, she told herself she'd done it for attention. That without her singing, she'd wanted to be noticed somehow. That she was just a failure who wanted people to pity her. That all of this was just an act. This coalesces in a chapter where she literally can't handle even being cared about because she hasn't earned it. All she's done is lie and whine and do nothing, just like she does at home and so being given even a small gift from someone who seems to ask so little in return from her makes her go into a full blown panic attack. What it takes to snap her out of it is when Anisa, the other lead, tries to for a moment see under Sera's sleeve after Sera shows how she made her cuts over her sweater. She literally smacks Anisa's hand away though (something I had someone who I cleared with a cutter to understand better how to do the scene because the story actually NEVER shows the scars proper) and is forced to confront the fact that if she were just doing this for attention, why would she hide them?

The next chapter has her go under hypno therapy (again, had someone consult me on this because it is a legitimate and deeply helpful therapy technique for many trauma victims) where she calmly just states what happened the day she had to come in. The dehumanization her mother put her through. The lack of thoughts in her mind as she washed dishes and just began trying to carve herself open but didn't know how to do it the most efficient way. And then her mom even striking her when caught, before she was literally dragged to get bandaged up and taken to the hospital. All while mostly emotionally distant so the therapist of the Recovery Center can even know just how bad it really is because Sera literally can't say how bad it is otherwise.

And so the call is made: She is leaving the Crises Recovery Center. Not to go home... But to go into the psyche ward. They are two different things and (again from others as I've been lucky enough not to have to go so I had to consult those around me about their experiences) doctors will show caution with sending someone there. After all, the psyche ward isn't just for suicidal patients but those suffering from mental disorders of all sorts and it can be a LOT. But if someone's pain is great enough, they will go there. It is simply what she needs and no amount of hugs or kisses or compliments from the cute girl there will replace that need for help.

BUT. I write happy stories so you know what can help? Knowing there's something waiting for you outside. So in the second to last chapter, after advice from the therapist about healthy relationships coming out of a Crises Center because it's really easy to become co-dependent and toxic (a theme that isn't even new to this book specifically for me), Anisa makes Sera promise to take the therapy seriously and only leave when she genuinely thinks she's ready. In return? Her mom and her mom will be there waiting to pick them up for their first date: Ice Cream.

And the final nail: The epilogue. We don't see that first ice cream date. We see one when Sera and Anisa are adults and independent. Sera leaves the crises center, I made sure to make it clear this was a return trip, and they get ready to do the same trip they made that first day. The big difference though? This time Sera came to the hospital BEFORE she cut herself. Before she tried to kill herself. Because she had the support to actually be willing to face those worries.

Because love can't cure depression. It's not something you just need a kiss from time to time for as medication. But support and care? It can make finding the things that help you cope with depression so much easier than when all you are is trapped in your own head.

I guess I just wanted to share because I've been talking a lot about how fandoms see trauma and darkness in stories and part of that criticism has been using it for shipping. As someone who literally did a story where two characters get together in a Crises Recovery Center, it causes me to hum about my own use of it. There's a LOT of choices I made with Crises Girlfriends that I think help make sure that the angst isn't just flavor, such as how the girls get together because of each other's personalities and interests rather than shared trauma, but it's not like it doesn't still linger on my mind. Make me wonder if maybe I'm talking a game that I can't back up.

I don't know. And unfortunately, I haven't quite gotten enough feedback on the original version of the story to know quite certain how well I balanced it. Not when the only review currently on the story is from my mom who found it a pretty rough read due to being so closely connected to the author. XD

I am still incredibly proud of the story though and I hope someday it reaches more people, especially those who maybe needs its encouragement or lessons. Lessons learned from experience and what I wish I saw in media about my problems. I will keep ahold of hope though and wish you all the best. See you next tale.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

#Crises Girlfriends #Might delete this later if my brain gets too angry about sharing spoilers.#Original Writing #Depression #Trauma

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