#i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a month ago btw (: | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chasingdarkrainbows · 4 years

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no one cares but imma rant here

so my mom had a talk with one of my father's cousin who is a doctor, and she told her about my mental condition, how i was diagnose with depression and a few month ago with bipolar II, she, who btw i have talk 1 in my life probably, said that i didn't have bipolar disorder because in my father's family (from the side of my grandma) they just have bad temper and problems to control their emotions so I probably was like that, 0 mental illnesses 0 needs for me to be misdiagnose with something really serious. Now tbh i'm so confused, what the fuck do i have then? need for attention? my need for high doses of medication because I keep feeling like shit is just for nothing? then me having completly shitty moods which have destroyed my damn life is just because "i can't control what i feel?" I don't really know if it's okay for me to feel this lost, I know that the mental illness someone diagnoses you with doesn't really define you, but it stil answers so many questions and at least by that I knew I wasn't a piece of shit because yes but because something was wrong with me, something that wasn't my fault to beging with. That satisfation was enough and maybe it shouldn't have. I'm so scared of people telling me I'm seriously okay and all my thoughts and actions have been fake and I'm just searching for attenion. Again i'm probably overthinking all of this but it worries me. Do I trust what my father's cousin told my mom? half and half tbh. She knows more of the family background than me, but she doesn't know me nor she knows what exaclty have I been through. I just hope im not exaggerating. I just wanna know what I actually have thats all...

#sad #depression #bipolar #actually bipolar #actually depressed #diagnosis #rant #meds #meditation #lithium #quetiapine #help #confused #death #suicide

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wishing-it-was-better · 6 years

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Getting over the double betrayal

Oh goodness. So, I'm back to using this as a vent as No one really follows my tumbler. Thankfully.

First of all, facts.

My husband has been diagnosed with BPD. A huge portion of that is he makes connections with others extremely easily, and if we aren't intimate every night he starts to feel like I don't love him, and abandoned.

In the beginning of our marriage communication was shit. We had been together on and off for 6.5 years, and never quite learned how to talk things out. So when we were having issues he'd talk to his friends about them. Ok, no biggie. I understood. I had a miscarriage and started to pull away from sex.

Well, a year into our marriage a friend introduced us to this fun chat app (can't remember the name) and we joined a few chat groups. Made friends, etc.

Well, one morning I woke up and was looking in one of our mutual groups and I had noticed he was flirting with another member. Now, I don't mind flirting as long as it stays that. Just flirting. But something bugged me. So I grabbed his phone (He was still out) and I went through. It was one person, but he had started a sexual rp with them. I was devastated. So I got ready for work, his phone in my hand, and when I was ready I threw it at him, told him he was busted, and left to go to work. On my way to the car I called my Best friend Darcie. I was balling, asking why. Why would he. She was very supportive and caring.

I kinda rugswept it. We talked, he deleted the app, handed it over whenever I asked. It felt like things were getting better.

Hubby was unable to hold a job for long because of his BPD. So I supported him a majority of the time. I didn't mind it. I felt good knowing I was taking care of him financially and that he was there for me when I needed support. Well, it bothered him so he started looking for some game developer/writing work via discord. He made friends, introduced me to some, and let me look whenever I wanted. Well, I eventually I no longer felt the need to be so obsessive. This would be about the beginning of 2017

Dumb me.

We have a group of friends who live an hour away. They came and grabbed him for a few nights of guy time. I was chill. These are all friends who have been there since high school (at this time over 8 years).

I went to play games on his computer and there is some unread messages from another game developer. I had spoken with this other guy, and knew my husband occasionally helped with some pixel art, or game code, so I clicked.

They had been sexting (Pics included this time) for over a month. I flipped. Seriously. I called him, and yelled and screamed and told him to stay away for a bit so I could figure out what I wanted to do.

That's when the doubts started kicking in. It was another guy. Did he regret marrying a female? Was I not good enough?

I spoke to some family. One aunt said that experimentation is normal and I should let it go. I called hubbys mom, and she was pissed. She kept saying she didn't raise him that way. Called Darcie again, and she was supportive and tried to mediate things.

Well, once again I let him come home. At this point we had been married almost 2 years, and been together for 9. I didnt want to fail at keeping him happy, and saving my marriage, you know?

Communication started to get better, we talked more. He discussed issues more, and I expressed my stress more. I have sciatica and ptsd, and my health started to get worse so I went to part time. It was hard financially, but I felt better.

Then he became suicidal. That summer was spent missing work to get him to the doctor, he was on watch, etc. It was hell for both of us. I started to get warnings from work about my attendance. He was officially diagnosed with BPD, depression, and anxiety. So I was learning how to deal with everything on his side.

Then I broke in September. I had been diagnosed with PCOS which destroyed me because having a child is someyhing I yearn for. I started having extreme anxiety. I would pull to the side when driving because of panic. It continued to get so bad I went to the ER.

It was the compilation of everything. The infidelity, work, my diagnoses, his BPD, everything. I ended up being diagnosed with Panic disorder, anxiety, ptsd, and depression.

October was the official beginning of my medical leave by my doctor. HR was calling constantly and harassing me. It got to the point where I was frequently suicidal. I have never been ashamed of it. I would tell someone how I felt because I felt if I didn't, and I was alone I would kill myself.

Well. We were figuring out meds for both of us, and our communication was shot. January I finally quit work because I was having panic attacks every time I left the house.

Come February. We have a friend over, hubby is half asleep, and my anxiety is off the rails. So I try to calm myself down and ask to see his phone. He hands it over, no questions asked.

All his messages to Darcie are deleted. Best friend Darcie. Darcie who officiated our wedding. He fessed up and expressed about a month ago they sexted. He expressed he was feeling lonely, and abandoned. I confronted her. She claimed I was abusive. I told her she was lucky I was handling things well enough to not kill myself. (Totes regret that btw) She blocked me. I outed them to everyone. Friends, family, everyone. I was so angry.

March was hard, instead of trying to work things out he kept leaving. I was having panic attacks, our friends were getting tired of our shit. I had a doctora appointment where i was also diagnosed as Bipolar. On the day I come hoke with that news he leaves for his friends saying he needs to think. Fucking great support there. He planned to be gone the end of March beginning of April. I said ok, as long as you are here for Easter, and our wedding anniversary. He agreed.

We talked a lot. A LOT. I explained what he made me feel like when he cheated. How he stole my best friend from me. He expressed how he felt like a butler and i was never there for him. I reminded him that the agreement was if he wasnt working he would take care of the house while i was at work. I also tried to express why I pulled away from sex.

Well he needed more time so he didn't come home for Easter. I missed my grandmother's birthday because of the panic and anxiety and everything else. I was on bad terms with my mom, so she had no clue about anything going on for the last 3 years. My sister's were giving me shit for always canceling, and I finally told everyone to fuck off. Well, it's April 4th. Our wedding anniversary.

Instead of coming home he is trying to convince me that we should just Move in with Darcie and her husband (They are poly, and her husband was totally ok with her doing what she did) so he can have sex whenever he wants. After all her sex drive must be amazing. And he went on and on.

I made plans to kill myself that night. I was about to carry them out when I realized I didn't have anyone to care for my cat. She's my baby. So I called a friend, explained I was going out of town. She said sure, but she was going to take me to dinner. And I couldn't do it. So instead I went to the ER. Was admitted to a psych ward for 7 days.

Husband came home once he found out. Apologized up and down. Said he had said those things to hurt me because he was in a spiral himself.

Well. Things are better. Much better. I have learned I deserve to be happy. I deserve to smile. I deserve to not have to worry about his fidelity.

He is seeking counseling, so am I. Once we have a few sessions it's on to Marriage counseling. He has promised to let me know if Dacie ever tries to contact him.

I found out the other month that she believed I was saying I was suicidal to keep him. Bitch, I wasnt faking. Fuck off. She actually unblocked me via Facebook and it caused a panic attack. Ended up blocking her instead. Muahaha.

Anyway. People tell me it's not worth it.

I think 10 years is at least worth trying. We are at the lowest of our low right now. I will do my best to bring myself up, and him along with me. If it happens again after all of this, I can agree it won't be worth it. But he know he needs to up his game and has been.

He's doing great in researching his BPD, separating himself from potential situations, talking when things bother him, and he comes to me when he wants to talk about things that bother him. It's hard, but it's working. He's reading up on how to help me heal, and understands that I won't be over this for years.

I will never forgive her though. Ever.

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