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Why am I such a fuck up?

All I ever do is fuck things up. My life, my friendships, any relationship I had in the past. Something is wrong with me, I'm a curse.

My parents are like the worst. They are divorced for like 18 years and I can't even talk on the phone with one of them if the other one is around. They created the worst environment for me as a child and now they trigger my anxiety bc they are insecure that I don't love them enough(and yes they should be worried about that bc they have tried to destroy me. I have memory loss bc of my trauma and that scares me so much) or they are just competitive with each other.

Last night(Nye), I was at my mum's home. My cousin didn't feel very good after Nye and I ran to her to give her support. And bc of that I forgot to call my dad to wish him a happy new year(he didn't call me either, he just texted me). I went to a party after that(I had so much fun btw) So I texted him back at 7am, after I came home and I said that I'll call him when I wake up. At 12 pm, I woke up bc I needed water and I wanted to vomit. After that I slept for 2 more hours. I woke up again and I called him, he never answered.

Moments ago he called and he acted like I forgot about him and he tried to guilt trip me. I tried with all my strength(I feel exhausted) to explain to him why I didn't call... Now I have chest pains, I feel like he hates me... His wife talked to me in the same tone as him. I didn't meet them, for Christmas not even for the New Year's, but I had covid until yesterday and I wanted to have fun. Is that so bad???? Why do they always try to guilt trip me?

im such a fucking fuck up

i’m so foolish, i’m such a dumb dumb person, i should’ve just kept my big mouth shut

I'm sorry I am stressful, and I am lazy, and I don't look after things properly, and I leave things in places they shouldn't be, and for not being happier, and for not bringing more income to have less worries, and for not being very pretty, and for not doing my hair/makeup all the time, and for not being slimmer, and for eating all the time, and for wearing the same clothes all the time, and for not having things organized or prepared, and for not being serious, and not being more understanding, and for not doing as much as I can to make things better, and for not being a better person, and for being so sensitive/emotional, and for not being more fun, and for being kind of a loser in life, and for procrastinating everything, and for not being more successful, and for not making you proud, and for not having many skills, and for not being more independent, and for everything in general.........

I'm surprised that anyone even bothers to stay around me and my dwindling, chaotic, pathetic life.

I ruined it I ruined it I ruined it I ruined it I ruined it

I wish you missed me

looking back i cant tell of those people actually didnt like me or i just made it all up. seeing those people now, they go out together having fun. was i jsut getting in the way of their friendship? or could i have been a part of it if i just stayed? because tge whole time i thought they were taking fhe piss when being nice or wanting to spend their break/lunch with me or messaging me idk i jsut miss having some sort of friendship i jsut think that anyone who speaks to me is joking like i cant even think of why somebody would be nice to me idkgfhdhdsksiieekrj

i hate myself so much.

I know I'm not much to look at.

I know I don't have much to give.

I know I'm a wreck mentally, emotionally and physically.

I know I'm a lot to put up with/deal with.

But I do try.

I'm sorry that I am not enough.

I'm sorry that I'm not worth looking at.

I'm sorry that I'm a mess.

I'm sorry that I don't give you what others could.

I'm sorry that there's better options theough the screen out there.

I'm just trying to be what I can.

To be enough...

Let him go. Detach from him now. So it won't hurt. You. Especially him. He doesn't deserve what you put him through.

He doesn't.

Keep away, shut down, make him hate you, make him not want you anymore.

Tell him he deserves better. Tell him.

Tell him he can do better. Stop wasting his time.

you wasted his time. he didn't deserve that. you don't deserve him.

i don't deserve him.