#i love how this meme is completely fucking incomprehensible
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The solution is they should all kiss
#i love how this meme is completely fucking incomprehensible#i was gonna draw it but artists block is kicking my ass at the moment#the font change kills me I love it#my post#mcyt#life series#trafficblr#traffic life smp#3rd life#double life#trafficshipping#flower husbands#team rancher#flower ranchers#jimmy solidarity#solidaritygaming#scott smajor#smajor#tangotek#tango tek
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Doctor Who, but Chronologically: 33
It has happened a few times, so far, that we've seen episodes that, whether good or bad, had little impact on the series: they answered no questions, and posed no new ones.
This, however, is the first we've watched this way that suddenly answers a shit-ton of arc while offering new elements, and also hints at a whole bunch of vital story we haven't seen yet, and is completely fucking batshit to the point of near-incomprehensibility.
It's 1938, and the episode is Let's Kill Hitler.
We open with a "Previously On" that contains nothing we've previously seen LMAO ALMOST AS IF OUR WATCH ORDER IS DEEPLY FUCKING STUPID but it turns out Amy was pregnant after all, her baby was promptly stolen by a one-eyed woman fighting a war against the Doctor that the Doctor was apparently unaware of (insert Don Draper "I don't think of you at all" meme), the baby is called Melody and has Time Lord DNA because... well that wasn't explained but maybe it's why Amy's pregnancy test was inconclusive, and there are some aliens called the Silents. Oh, and at some point Amy was melted. Is Rory still plastic? Not sure.
Anyway, we open with Amy and Rory trying to get the Doctor's attention by writing his name in crop circles in a scene that made me wonder how much they had to pay the farmer to film it. "Have you found Melody yet?" Amy begs of her missing baby, except she doesn't, because Karen Gillan imbues the scene with the urgency of a housemate asking if you remembered to check if Shell or British Gas will give you cheaper bills.
Then Amy and Rory's BESTEST FRIEND MELS turns up. The show then has to introduce us to Mels, because in spite of being presented as an indispensable part of their lives, even people watching the normal way have never even heard of this woman before now. Then she pulls out a GUN from somewhere and insists they all go to kill Hitler, which... I'm on board, actually.
Except a shapeshifting justice robot staffed with tiny people (I love the shapeshifting justice robot staffed with tiny people btw they should get their own spin-off) is already here and trying to kill Hitler, so the TARDIS smashes in and accidentally saves his life. There is a genuinely very funny and enjoyable scene where they punch Hitler and put him in a cupboard.
And then the episode just fucking nosedives in quality. Mels was accidentally shot by Hitler, and regenerates - into River!!! We know her, she was a criminal who could fly the TARDIS. What this means, though, is that Amy and Rory - new parents, who are desperate to reclaim their kidnapped baby - find out in that moment that their baby... will never come back to them. They're never going to see her again. They're never going to get to raise her, never going to see her take her first steps, never teach her to identify trees or swim or dance. A whole childhood and adolescence of memories and experiences, stolen away. They're to be grateful, they're told, that they knew her as their childhood tearaway friend Mels - because that's just like raising her after all. Except prior to being Mels, she was raised and abused and brainwashed into being an assassin - a "psychopath", because the writers don't know what that word means. They will never be able to protect her from that.
That is a horrifying thing to realise; the sort of thing that will mean you're in therapy forever.
And the episode considers it to be so unimportant that Amy and Rory are IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE SHOT WHEN IT'S REVEALED.
Who gets our focus?!? Why, the Doctor of course! Who else but the Specialest Man. This is obviously deeply relevant to him the most. Jesus fucking wept. Also I should mention this is easily the most misogynistic episode we've seen yet. The Doctor asks and receives permission to hug Amy - from her husband. River regenerates while yelling "I'm trying to focus on a dress size!" and makes another three fatphobic comments within the same scene. When Amy says "But River's not a psychopath in the future! What's wrong with her right now?" the Doctor responds "She's been brainwashed and also she can't help it because she's a woman."
(That's not an exaggeration. "She's a woman" is literally given as the reason she's a "psychopath". In a scene in which said woman has spent half her lines stressing how thin and fuckable she is.)
Anyway, the rest of the plot is what you'd expect, probably - River tries and succeeds in killing him with slow poison, Amy manages to be useful inside the shapeshifting justice robot staffed with tiny people, there's a showdown where River decides to save him by using up all her regenerations on him. At the point the Doctor dies, Karen Gillan and Arthur Darville literally forget to cry. It's an utterly sterile scene where you're just waiting for them to hurry up and resolve it. At the end, the Doctor now knows that he's going to be killed by River (dressed as an astronaut! A plot answer!) in Utah in 2011, which he hides from Amy and Rory for no clear reason given that they already know. We learn the Silents aren't an alien race but a religious sect who believe that Silence Will Fall when the first question is finally answered, though why they want that silence is a mystery (technically so is the question but I'mma be real with you all, lads, I remember watching this series when it was first on and immediately guessing so lol). Hitler is still in a cupboard.
However, it was very nice seeing Cardiff museum.
Plot threads!
“She” (an unknown person) is returning (perhaps River returned as Missy. Maybe Me? Maybe Clara???!)
There is something on Donna’s back
An entire planet, Pyrovilia, just… disappeared, somehow. (Maybe because the TARDIS is exploding??? Saturnine was also lost, and that WAS because of the TARDIS exploding. The lion man’s planet was also lost but he was a bit of a knob about it if I’m honest.)
Amy is maybe dead (she’s not)
The Doctor has been cubed (he’s out, but how?)
River is possibly blown up (unless she’s Missy)
The TARDIS has blown up (It’s fine now. Except it’s sort of melting now because it’s corrupted, but it’s fine again)
The universe appears to have ended (the universe is back again)
The Doctor has employed(?) Nardole
(And Nardole was “reassembled???” Nardole had glass nipples and invisible hair?? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE)
There’s a vault in the TARDIS and it contains Missy but we don’t know why (sometimes she knocks for the bants)
What has happened to all these companions and where are the new ones coming from?
There’s an immortal Viking girl now. Her name is Me and she’s now looking after the people the Doctor abandons
Why was Rory entirely unconcerned by the entire world suddenly going silent when that is Not Normal and should have been, at the very least, extremely disconcerting?
What did the Doctor do to Queen Lizzie One?
Who is Captain Jack Harkness? (Is he the one who gave the companions a warning about the lone cyberman?)
Why is Amy seeing a one-eyed woman in a vanishing window? (NEW INFO: she's with the Silents, but we don't know why Amy saw her)
Why is Amy's pregancy inconclusive? (NEW INFO: because the baby had Time Lord DNA?)
Who is Sarah-Jane Smith?
How is the Doctor Bill’s teacher and why/where does he have an office?
What is going on with the Cyber War and the Cyberium???
What happened with the Other Cyber War?
What happened with the Third War that deleted the void?
Why does Rose seem particularly important?
What’s with the Weeping Angel statues, and why can’t you blink at them?
What order do these Doctors go in? (Eccleston, Tennant, uncertain, Smith, Capaldi, Whittaker)
Which companion just… forgot the Doctor, and how?
Yaz and Vinder are about to die as Mori/Mwri/Muuri
There is a Lupari shield around Earth.
What’s a Time War?
What’s the Rift?
What’s Bad Wolf?
In which war did the Doctor become a war criminal, and how?
Who is the Master?
Why has Amy forgotten Rory?
Is Rory plastic or not?
Why is the Doctor sulking on a cloud?
How exactly does the Doctor have a cloud?
What exactly happened with Strax to, uh, tame him?
Which friend killed Strax?
Which friend brought Strax back?
Where did this lesbian lizard and human couple come from?
What happened with Clara as Souffle Girl and the Daleks?
How does Clara actually join?
Why so many Claras?
Why is Missy apparently in robo-heaven?
Why is probably!Missy pushing Clara and the Doctor together?
What is Trensilor and what happened there?
Who is Handles?
The Doctor is about to be dissolved by a beautiful geode man
The universe is being crushed by the Flux
Will the Doctor open the fobwatch?
Sontarans are invading Earth again
Who is Kate?
Who is Osgood? Another name of Clara’s again?
The fuck is the deal with the Grand Serpent
Does Martha get to go to an ice cream planet with 12-fingered massage aliens?
How did the Doctor forget Clara?
Who is Bill’s puddle girlfriend Heather?
How did Nardole die?
When does Bill get Cyberman-ed and die?
When does the Doctor shrink and enter a Dalek called Rusty?
Whittaker is falling to her death rn
Was that ring relevant?
Does anyone know the Doctor’s name?
When did Yaz talk to Dan about fancying the Doctor?
When did Dan talk to the Doctor about fancying Yaz?
Who was the Doctor’s wife?
What’s happening with the bees?
What happened with Donna’s ex and a giant spider?
What war wiped out the Daleks, and is it one of the ones already mentioned?
What did the Doctor mean when he said “The (Daleks) always live, while I lose everything?”
If Dalek Caan is the last Dalek left why are there more now?
How did the rest of the Time Lords die?
How and why did Amy melt?
What's the question that will make silence fall?
Why do the Silents... want silence to fall?
How and why are Silents at war with the Doctor when he... hasn't even heard of them?
How does Hitler get out of the cupboard?
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✵ IF You are still accepting, for anyone that tickles ur fancy
@scxrytxles - impressions meme!
ALICE.
Their first impression of your muse: Oh that thing's weird. Might as well investigate.
Current impression: Most trusted and appreciated of Friends.
Are they attracted to your muse?: She's cute!
Something they find frightening about your muse: Have you SEEN her doing magic
Something they find adorable about your muse: Her hair and her clothes and the way she talks and the way she moves and again, she's cute
Would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?: Yeah.
Would my muse go on a date with yours? platonic/romantic: Yeah.
One word my muse would use to describe yours: Idiosyncratic, politely.
Would my muse slap yours if they could?: No, because she would probably just act sad about it. And he doesn't want her to leave again.
Would my muse hug/kiss yours?: Yeah.
NIL.
Their first impression of your muse: Why are you Looking at me like that. if you start Diagnosing me I am going to shove your head into a blender
Current impression: Excellent blood mage and complete fucking lunatic who goes around giving free help to Just Anyone, apparently.
and also like. some kind of Authority Figure you can form a mutual friendship with and whose love and support isn't contingent on you doing exactly the right thing at all times?? he doesn't know what you'd call that, it's wild
Are they attracted to your muse?: Not particularly. Is nursing more fanboyish admiration and deferential respect than he'd like to own up to.
Something they find frightening about your muse: If Nil stops helping him for any reason, he's pretty sure he's fucked. Still Does Not Like incomprehensible medical devices.
Something they find adorable about your muse: Quilts!
Would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?: Probably. Gets the feeling Nil would prevent that from happening.
Would my muse go on a date with yours? platonic/romantic: Sure, he can go Do Things. (Nil's only sometimes embarrassing to be around in public.)
One word my muse would use to describe yours: Unbearable. <3
Would my muse slap yours if they could?: He'd punch him again! Just for fun.
Would my muse hug/kiss yours?: Has hugged him. Feels kind of self-conscious about initiating it.
LEWIS.
Their first impression of your muse: Oh This Guy Is So Cool. This Has To Be The Coolest And Prettiest Guy Here. Hello Your Aura Is So Shiny. I Like Your Piercings. Can I Sit Here And Look At Your Face. Can I Touch Your Fa
Current impression: I hate you. You're the most important person in the universe. I need to set something on fire.
Are they attracted to your muse?: kal vc: haha not at all <3
Something they find frightening about your muse: He keeps letting his guard down -- even as he becomes increasingly aware that this man could literally bite his hand off -- and he's not sure why. Also he's full of Bugs now and we know how Kal feels about that
Something they find adorable about your muse: Those lip studs bobbing up and down. Bioluminescence. Likes teaching him words.
Would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?: Yes. ರ_ರ
Would my muse go on a date with yours? platonic/romantic: Sure.
One word my muse would use to describe yours: …Difficult.
Would my muse slap yours if they could?: And worse~.
Would my muse hug/kiss yours?: Yes.
CHESTER.
Their first impression of your muse: Hey so why are you covered in stitches and also a cat? Please tell me about this in great detail. …No? OK.
Current impression: Fine? Kind of uptight. Not sure what his issue is, the safety pin thing was weeks ago c'mon
Are they attracted to your muse?: Nah. Too skinny.
Something they find frightening about your muse: He's a Large Predator and also actually understands the legal system.
Something they find adorable about your muse: Chasing of small woodland creatures. :3
Would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?: Not particularly likely.
Would my muse go on a date with yours? platonic/romantic: That sounds like it would annoy Chester immensely. So sure.
One word my muse would use to describe yours: Kitten. >:3
Would my muse slap yours if they could?: Feels no particular need to. Doesn't think it would get much of a reaction.
Would my muse hug/kiss yours?: That also sounds like it would annoy Chester immensely.
TESSA.
Their first impression of your muse: Bitch.
Current impression: Bitch.
Are they attracted to your muse?: UNFORTUNATELY.
Something they find frightening about your muse: Half of his support network is in love with and/or works for her. He doesn't know how to make her stay dead.
Something they find adorable about your muse: Well. He'd like to see her in panic attack mode again~.
Would my muse sacrifice themselves for yours?: She's one of the few people he's still tempted to murder. (:
Would my muse go on a date with yours? platonic/romantic: In a manner of speaking. Well, if he's ever in fighting form again.
One word my muse would use to describe yours: Bitch. Stubborn.
Would my muse slap yours if they could?: Mhm.
Would my muse hug/kiss yours?: Seems foolhardy.
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Book #109 - Dreamless by Josephine Angelini
(JAIL. Jail for Lucas.)
Ohhhhh I hate this. I hate this so much. I don't even know where to start. I'm so mad at this, from so many angles, it's like a kaleidoscope of misery. A panopticon of hatred. Consider this your warning.
How can a book based on the most accessible and most widely historically preserved mythology contain this amount of bullshit. I don't get it. And what makes it worse it that sometimes it gets things right?? Even things that I hadn't known before and had to google??
(I may not like the "Myrmidons are insect people" angle, but it at least makes somewhat sense, in a God Of War, "we twist everything morally ambiguous about what you love into fucked up, gory, evil monstrosities" kinda way.)
I think it's the weird disconnect for me, of seeing one thing that is actually based in myth, that like, has an actual foundation somewhere and makes sense - and then two pages later encountering something either flat out wrong (like Chiron, the Ferryboatman on the Styx), or completely barmy ("River of Joy", shove it up your bum).
By the way, it takes a lot to actually make me want to punch a fictional character, but oh boy. Oh boy, I want to kill Lucas. I want to fucking disintegrate that motherfucker.
An invisible man stalking a woman he is obsessed with is literally the plot of a horror movie!! Literally.
Also, there is one passage where he a) admits to watching her sleep, and b) says that someday he won't be able to stop himself from climbing into the bed with her (!!!) and honestly, it's so ambigously worded, for a second I forgot how clueless this book is about sex and was legitamtely convinced he intended to SA her.
So, yeah, jail for Lucas.
For some other greatest hits of this book:
- The "All Tell No Show" writing continues, making, for example, Zach's character and arc completely incomprehensible to me.
- The women hate continues, this time expressed in the form of at least one incel we are meant to sympathize with, the majority of the male cast being possessive and volatile fuckheads and it being portrayed as romantic and good, and none, literally not a single one, of the female characters being concerned about Lucas' stalking habits. Additionally: thank fuck for exposition talk or I doubt this book would pass the Bechdel test.
- Ares, God of War - not the clean, strategic roundtable stuff that Athena concerns herself with, this is the gory, blood-soaked carnage aspect of war we're talking about - is a coward. Yeah. Sure, I mean... what else would he be. Right?
- While the reader knows that Lucas and Helen aren't actually related, they and the majority of the other characters have yet to learn this little factoid. Weird, then, that the book just kind of... forgets about it. About two thirds in, this book flat out forgets that they are supposed to be cousins, and drops it in favour of love triangle angst. I wish I was making this up.
I'm still confused about this book's portrail of Hades and Persephone. From the moment they brought her up I was waiting to learn her feelings on the whole kidnapping matter, but all we get is a confusing talk with Hades, where he justifies his actions with his feelings. Persephone gets to be nothing more than a plot device.
Another strike for women hate.
I am worried about what Antman's death means for this series' portrail of Achilles. For a story that wants to base its lore and characters on the Iliad, the first two books have very curiously avoided bringing up the Greek side of the Trojan War, and specifically Achilles.
And I can't help it, I'm a Greek Mythology gay, of course I'm worried what these books will do to our boy.
All in all, this feels like that Simpson's meme....
"This is the worst book I have ever read" - "The worst book you have ever read - so far".
Get it? Because this is a trilogy, because there is still one left to go.
#dreamless#josephine angelini#starcrossed trilogy#dante's discard pile#no this doesn't feel strong enough#dante's tenth circle of book hell?#ever read a book so horrid that you feel like you need to invent a new tag?
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i think its just that a lot of people arent thinking very deeply about the like personality aspect of assigning magic, so since youre known for writing a lot of sickfic and being very willing to care for people you love a lot of peoples mind immediately jump to "oh, healing magic" without any further thought. like i imagine if there was someone who was very warm and sweet and kind etc etc but who worked as like. an ice cutter or something (i know this is a super specific example just bare with me here lol) then i feel like despite their personality people would still go "oh, ice magic" because it just seems obvious until you actually like think about it a little lol. sorry if this is incomprehensible
no this is probably the first ask i've gotten on the matter that actually makes COMPLETE sense to me so thank you dfsgsfgdfs
i constantly forget that my brain is not shaped the way other ppls are like any time i say anything about my friends i sit there for a long while making sure it is considerate and thoughtful and true to their core, i am always thinking about how to be observant and reverent of their depth, and i constantly forget. that some ppl just do not have to think about stuff like that. they just say whatever. huh.
ALTHO I WILL AGAIN ASK: WHY IS MY PENCHANT FOR SICKFIC CONDUCIVE TO ME BEING A HEALER? I AM LITERALLY MAKING THE BITCHES SICK. have these people READ my sickfic? the hurt to comfort ratio is INSANE. i am PLAGUING these bitches. i am running them so ragged they cannot stand. i am describing their misery in a detail that is almost reverent of the pain itself. i'll spend three paragraphs describing the way a sore throat feels and one sentence on the bitch getting a single cup of tea. i feel like if everyone's gonna reduce me down to a magic based on my sickfic affinity they should be doing the very correct thing that most of my close friends did, which was call me a plague wizard/demon. hello
[OPERATION: help me figure out why the fuck a bunch of people assigned me healing magic on some reblog meme]
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I don’t know anymore what to ask ‘how you fell about something’ yet.
new random question s:
why are you an anarchist
how much weed do you smoke in a week
what’s your favourite color
how do you like to yawn
do you like alex g
what’s your favourite film
which main character in st do you dislike the most 😒
who’d you rather meet from st cast🥱
what’s your fanfiction tags😂
what’s your favourite book
which color do you dislike
what’s your favourite holiday
what’s your hobbies
where are you from😛..
do you like fast food
do you like fish
how much hours do you sleep
🙂
uh how do you feel about homestuck😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤨
which superpower would you like to have
what’s your favourite food
do you like smell of cigarette smoke
do you smoke 💨
how would do you feel if Noah Schnapp or Finn Wolfhard broke your leg
I wanna be your white bread boyfriend I want to be your mainstream man
what’s your favourite animal
do you drink water
who’s better Jesse or Walter
bye.😐
how would you react if Trump became president of your country
who’s your kinns 🥱 from st and not from st
I forgot the question WTF
I remembered. what’s your favourite meme
what’s your favourite animation meme
what weather do you like
bye
who are your favorite music artists I love music
A NEW BATCH
i hate the government its ruined humanity
either 1-4 cones a day or sometimes i just dont smoke at all for a bit
anything neon and eyehurting
i like to open my entire face and yawn so i successfully regain some lost HP
alex g is pretty cool (i think)
oooooohh uhhhhhh i love movies too much i cant choose but i really like scream and hereditary
billy or brenner probably they're assholes
i love will but id love to meet finn bro
hurt/comfort or splatterpunk
idk i dont read anymore sory
that shitty braass colour between yellow and green
halloween
writing, video games and working out ig
australia
YAS
fish are cute
7 or 12 hours tbh
😀
haven't heard anything good abt it
shapeshifting so i can do and be anything i want
chocolate or bagels with cream cheese and salmon
yes i actually like the smell of cigarette smoke JIFDSBNF unless its my dad's
i smoke yes
id be pretty upset that they ruined my track record of not breaking any of my bones
🍋😈
OH FUCK UH uh uh uh I LOVE ALL ANIMALS BUT UHH GECKO
i drink so much water mmhmhmhmhmhh yummymy
jesse
hi 👹
kill myself
i dont kin but will and mike are way too relatable help also benrey from hlvrai they r so me
remember then
rn my fav meme is. uh. impact font with a completely incomprehensible selection of images and words
this one
rainy or cloudy
bye
my chemical romance, tyler the creator, glass animals, johnny goth, urban heat, 3teeth, queen, powerman 5000, oingo boingo, andrew hulshult, kmfdm, igorrr, author & punisher, carnifex, freddie dredd and ghost
thank u anon i love questions
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Bonus Tracks- Cain and Cain
This was completely incomprehensible to Ingo. He'd just wanted to see how the Gear Station blog was doing on his own time. Emmet had left his own computer unattended, so Ingo plopped into his seat and opened the site. He wasn't even remotely surprised that Emmet had been meming again. That wasn't new. What the heck was a Live Sliggoo Reaction? Plinko? Blorbo? Scrunkly? Wait, no, he knew that last one. Emmet kept calling him that one. Oh well. He'd catch up eventually.
He then remembered he'd started planning an actual personal blog for Emmet to use instead. To Ingo's surprise, it'd been fleshed out and cross-posted. Emmet had gone through and manually dated every imageset- That had either taken one highly motivated hour or three unmotivated days. Off-track. The blog hadn't even been made public yet. Why?
As he was skimming over the blog code (like he had any idea what he was doing), a white spot appeared to the right. A reflection of the silent brother that was attempting to sneak up on him.
"I can see you, Emmet," Ingo stated, and Emmet stopped in place. And he just stood there. Menacingly. Ingo opted to ignore him, until Emmet moved closer and just kept standing there.
"What do you want?" Ingo asked, finally turning to look at him. Emmet's response was to T-pose for a solid ten seconds before leaving without a word. What? What?? Then he spotted Banette holding Emmet's phone in the doorway. She was on Durant's back, looking equally as confused as her trainer. Ah. So that's how it was going to be today. He already had a retaliation in mind.
----
Emmet posted the video without much thought. He loved teasing Ingo with utter nonsense. It drove Ingo wild trying to figure out what Emmet was trying to communicate. And the numbers were already coming in! A reblog and a reply! He nearly scrolled away when he very suddenly realized that was HIS personal blog responding!
"Ingo...." he muttered, then checked the reply. Ingo's response was holding Baby Worthy like a shotgun, captioned "Emmet, I am going to kill you with the power of friendship and this gun I found."
Then another post popped up from the personal. Ingo, still holding Baby Worthy, using her to hide his face. Caption, "When you get eeby deeby'd & all you remember is the wikipedia article on trains. Check out this funny looking thing, I'm abandoning my brother for Baby Worthy. She's here for me. [Joking]"
"What the fuck, you egg?!" Emmet yelled across the house, and was met with his brother's loud laughter. So that's how it was? Huh? That's how it was today?? Oh, he'd show Ingo.
----
Ingo eventually went back to his own room, watching all the new memes pour in. That picture of him with Baby Worthy had certainly been worth-y it. Lord Arceus. That pun was awful. That pun was something Elesa would say. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't hear Emmet approaching, only realizing he was being stared at... At the last second.
BONK!
He'd been hit with an old wrapping paper tube. Old, because it was already dented in some places. It'd been around longer than Banette had. Off-track.
Ingo did the only thing he could think of- He fell off his chair and faceplanted onto the floor. Ouch. He regretted that decision immediately, but it made Emmet laugh. Patience, patience...
"You can get up, Ingo! It was a good clip!"
No response. Oh. Oh no. Had he hit too hard? Emmet bent down to inspect. He didn't think Ingo would fake that.
He was wrong.
Ingo lunged, wrapping his arms around Emmet and dragging him down to the floor. He'd gotten stronger in Hisui, and he was about to prove his dominance. Emmet squirmed helplessly, realizing he really was outmatched. As a final show of dominance...
"Say mercy, Emmet. I'm not letting go."
No! No!! Emmet would never!
----
Emmet called mercy a minute later. He'd started to cramp, and Ingo was feeling merciful at the moment. Emmet bonked him with a tissue box. Emmet proceeded to be chased outside by his brother, laughing the entire way out. Once outside, Emmet nursed his cramped arm. Ouch, ouch. Ingo considered taking a potshot at Emmet from a window, but decided against it when he realized Emmet was hurting.
"Truce?" Ingo called down, and Emmet nodded. "Truce!"
Emmet spent a few more minutes outside enjoying the breeze before heading back in. Ingo had picked up his controller and died to a boss as Emmet plopped down next to him.
"Darn," was all Ingo said regarding this. Chandelure settled down next to Emmet- He's here to help.
Emmet's phone beeped and both of them jumped. Ingo's character died again. Elesa had been complaining about Emmet not using it, so she stuck to only sending messages it to it and not his Xtrans. He opened it while Ingo peered over his shoulder.
Elesa was presumably standing on something, because otherwise she'd have no way to dwarf Skyla. She was holding Skyla under the armpits like a long Meowth. Written on it in Impact font was "I'll kill you with my heels and this gun I found."
Emmet burst out laughing so hard he fell off the sofa. Ingo just shook his head and went back to his game. Chandelure found under Emmet, dead and killed. Help him.
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❄️Todoroki HC's🔥
Aged-up pro hero Shouto. NSFW under the cut. Minors do not interact.
- - -
General
Might as well be tied with Bakugou for the #1 pro hero spot; they seem to pass the crown back and forth every other year. Everyone knows about their intense frenemies uber-rivalry. Well. Everyone but Shouto.
He's asked to speak at a lot of charity events. If he has time to prepare (and hire a speech writer) he is capable of stirring crowds to standing ovations. But if caught unawares... he gets cornered into hilarious on-the-spot interviews. He's been memed. Mercilessly.
He's an OP character, but unfortunately he rolled -500 in fashion sense. Eventually he wises up and hires a stylist. When he finally cuts his hair a slightly different and even more flattering way, it's a national event. People faint in the street.
Does god-awful sleight-of-hand magic tricks when he meets young fans, even though nobody asked him to. The second-hand embarrassment is palpable. But he keeps doing it. God, why does he keep doing it?
Has hovering arm syndrome in every fan photo.
Super into pop music. Not a fan of any particular group or artist, couldn't tell you the name of a single song. But every time he turns up the volume on the radio it's like... really? THIS? Probably pumps that shit through his hero agency to keep up morale. Has no idea what you mean when you tell him his music taste doesn't match his personality.
Similarly, he enjoys brainless romantic comedies and old silent movies. Doesn't laugh at jokes but loses it over physical comedy. Thinks Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd are the funniest people who ever walked the earth.
He's long and limber. Runs practically a hundred miles every day just to "relax." Doesn't even get sweaty doing it. A filthy yoga addict. He'll probably live to be 200 years old.
He can regulate his body temperature for quirk use but in everyday life he's always half a degree outside the Goldilocks zone. It drives him quietly insane; he has an epic love-hate relationship with his thermostat.
Has a therapy animal pet. Doesn't matter if it's a dog or a cat or a bird or an iguana or a teeny tiny rodent. It's the best-behaved animal in the country and speaks more languages than you. It has its own room and an instagram account with millions of followers.
Lives in a traditional Japanese estate that doubles as a national treasure. Probably has government-appointed snipers at the gate, and he's just like, "don't worry about it." You are afraid to touch anything. Fuck, don't even look at anything, just to be safe.
Has an outstanding personal chef who only gets to cook five things unless (thank fuck!!) company comes over. Impossibly picky eater. He rotates between a few "safe" foods and suspiciously side-eyes everything else. If you cook something unfamiliar for him it will be the most awkward meal of your life, because he'd never tell you he doesn't like it. But oh lord, just look at his face.
This clashes directly with his love of traveling. Frequently uses his hero earnings to visit exotic foreign locales over long weekends... but rarely tries the food.
- - -
Dating
A grey-ace demisexual disaster. You could count the number of people he's been attracted to on one hand. He falls madly in love every time and always gets his heart smashed to pieces when his crush can't magically intuit the meaning of his frigid longing glances and generically courteous romantic gestures.
Which is stupid, because he gets propositioned constantly. He can't walk out the door without being flirted with. People keep slipping him their phone numbers and he always directs them to his agency like a moron. It's a good thing he will never understand how attractive he is because that's the only thing keeping him from total world domination.
Conventional attractiveness does not compute. Shouto doesn't have a type, doesn't care that he's an eleven whilst you are merely mortal. He will fall for your personality above all else.
Probably falls head over heels because your schedules overlap in a completely ordinary way and he witnesses you doing something endearing or brave or most likely: utterly mundane.
Pick a favorite, because you're his favorite coworker, or his favorite barista, or his favorite random bystander in line at the grocery store. You made him smile once; then he spent the next three months daydreaming about your future together before you accidentally stomped on his foot, initiating your first real conversation.
He's big on healthy communication. HUGE. He goes to therapy and it shows. Will talk through literally everything to the point of delirium. Sometimes his dedication to resolving every issue right away can get overwhelming; sometimes you just need some frickin time alone. But it pays off, because the two of you have practically never have a "real fight." There's just no way for bad vibes to fester.
STILL, his family wasn't exactly... erm... verbally or emotionally supportive, shall we say. For that reason, he might not give you all the compliments you deserve, because it simply doesn't occur to him to do so. He assumes you know how he feels. If you're self-conscious or insecure in the relationship, it might take him a while to notice. But when he figures it out (or even better, when you tell him directly) he will make it up to you with enthusiasm.
Will take you on lavish dates. Spoils you rotten without actually intending to. He's clueless about money. If you wanted a sugar daddy, you just hit the fucking jackpot. But if the word valet makes you uncomfortable, perhaps suggest some romantic picnics instead. He can still go all out with the food and five-star location without making you see cartoon dollar signs.
Chronic Insomniac. Stays up too late watching YouTube every night. His viewing history is an incomprehensible blur of k-pop music videos, serial killer icebergs, and super girly crafty ASMR channels. When he's watching a video, he is unreachable. Please call back later and try again.
He's disgustingly cute when he sleeps. Doesn't snore, but drools. Sometimes the drool freezes and leaves frost trails on his face in the morning. Still sleeps with the giant stuffed cat pillow that his mother gave him when he was like, zero. He'll inadvertently suffocate you with it, and you will welcome death with open arms because awwwwww!!!!!
The first time he tells you he loves you will be after your traditional Japanese shinto wedding. You won't hear it again until you start a family. Honestly, it's a good thing he doesn't say it often and is always holding you when it happens. It's a knee-buckler.
- - -
Icy-Hot
I don't even need to say it. Shouto is as old-fashioned as they come. You will never open another door or pull out another chair for yourself as long as you live. He will ask before he holds your hand. He will ask before he kisses you. He will stop and check in if you so much as breathe funny during sex.
If you don't orgasm at exactly the same time while staring into one another's eyes, he'll consider himself a failed lover. God forbid you want him to pound you into the futon... cause you are going to have to present that scenario to him in writing first.
Physical intimacy rarely leads to sex. He loves cuddling, craves physical affection. He'll sprawl all over you and turn into goo while you hold him close. He's an amazing, astounding, phenomenally good kisser. And that's... nice and all... but sometimes you have to grab his face and say, "Shouto, I'm horny," before he's like so that's why you're currently dry-humping me?
Even if he isn't technically a virgin the first time (or the millionth time) you sleep together, you won't know the difference. He's a blushing violet. Every. Fucking. Time. This doesn't mean he's a bad lay, oh no. But there's always ten minutes of confused bumbling before he hits his stride and remembers oh yeah, I DO know how to fuck good.
Absolutely silent during sex. Focused. Intense. Sometimes you have to push him a little to make any kind of noise at all, just so you know you're pleasing him (oh don't worry, you are).
His cock is Just Right. Not to big or too small. Perfectly proportioned and symmetrical. Somehow pretty. Like a fucking factory prototype. It truly is not fair.
Gets handsy and restless at night, even if you both have work the next day. Seems to crave sex at three in the morning. You've given him more than one exhausted handjob.
Gets offended if you don't cum. Will go down on you for hours. Of course he uses his quirk to tease you. He doesn't typically use it during actual intercourse, but he's all about foreplay, and he'll use every tool in his arsenal.
His sex drive is completely fucking unpredictable. Sometimes he's all over you, other times he's an icy slab. His line of work leaves him busy and stressed on a near-constant basis, so you can't entirely blame his personality for this one. Just give him some time and help him take care of his basic needs. He'll come back around soon enough.
#todoroki shouto#todoroki x you#todoroki x reader#todoroki x y/n#gender neutral reader#todoroki headcanons#bnha headcanons#mha headcanons#smut#fred writes#bnha#mha
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A/N: This is the final chapter for this mini-series
You wish you could say that you hated Bakugou Katsuki, but that would have been an overstatement since he had his tongue down your throat in his stupidly expensive car. Did it all seem like an overly dramatic scene from a random K-drama? Yes, it absolutely did. Then again, who were you to comment on that anyway? You were too shocked and, well, quite honestly, a blushing mess to even think about anything. When your brain finally caught up with the situation, you finally kissed him back, making him smirk against your lips, something that made you roll your eyes since of course, this man is always a cocky bastard.
After removing his lips from yours, he mumbled in that painfully sexy voice that you both loved and hated, “I need you, (Y/N). Come upstairs with me.”. “Bakugou, you do realize that I won’t take advantage of a drunk dude, right? Do I really seem that creepy?” you asked him with a straight face. “I’m sober enough dumbass.” He answered, trying not to look too eager about having you in his bed by the end of the night. “I ain’t dumb you asshole. If you aren’t drunk, answer this, what’s 6 times 3?” you asked, making him look at you as if you just killed his boner. “Did you just throw a fucking meme at me?” he asked, his face full of this absolutely hilarious mixture of anger, shock and disgust. “Okay so you’re clearly not drunk since you understood this is a meme but damn… appreciate the memes grandpa…” you answered with a laugh.
After grumbling all the way up the elevator about how you are too much like ‘that damned pikachu’, which you assumed was Pro Hero Chargebolt, you finally reached his penthouse. As expected, the place was huge, radiating rich people vibes and of course, you immediately caught on to why he was complaining about why your own apartment was too small since you were quite sure his bathrooms would be bigger than your entire apartment. As he watched you look around, he mumbled, “You can move in here if you wanna. Your place is too damned small and I have way too much space here just for myself.”. “Okay, now I’m questioning whether you are sober again cause who the fuck asks a girl they just asked out to move in?” you teased him making him yell, “I’m fucking sober you dipshit!” while blushing furiously. “Oh wow, is this how you woo the ladies? By calling them dipshits?” you teased again, elbowing him. “I’ll fucking show you how I woo em” he growled before pinning you to the wall and smashing his lips on you yet again, this time kissing you way more roughly.
Your hands moved up to his neck as you pulled him closer, returning the kiss as your tongues slid against each other. He picked you up with ease and walked towards his bedroom solely on his muscle memory. After throwing you quite gently on his king size bed, he looked at you with a rare sincerity in his eyes, before asking “You sure you wanna do this?”. “Yes, Bakugou.” You answered quietly, admiring his handsome features without trying to hide it for the first time. “Call me Katsuki, babe.” He stated with a smirk as he started taking his shirt off, revealing his chest that seemed as if it was sculped by Gods despite the scars that adorned it. In fact, he made the scars look good. It was surprising that he could pull off something like that. You decided to take off your top as well, making him stare at your breasts greedily as he started unbuckling his belt.
“Like what you see?” he asked, smirking cockily as he found you staring at his length in awe. Then again, you had to admit that he was the biggest you had ever seen and honestly, you had absolutely no comeback for his cockiness this time since you were too busy figuring out whether it will fit. “It won’t fit…” you mumbled as you took your bra off, making him chuckle slightly. “I’ll make it fit.” He answered before pushing you into the bed, kissing your neck as he trailed down to your breasts. He took one nipple into his mouth and sucked hard as his hand pinched the other, making you yelp. His other hand took your pants off, reaching for your groins, which was already soaking wet. “Oh? Are you really this wet from getting your tits sucked?” he asked, feigning surprise, that cocky smile never leaving his face. “Shut up and touch me.” You hissed as his fingers hovered over your clit. “That impatient huh… Well, I’ll let you have it your way this time.” He chuckled before putting his thumb right over your clit, moving it in circular motions as two of his fingers entered your hole and pumped in a rigorous pace, making you moan loudly in pleasure.
It was a surprise that you lasted for about 5 minutes before cumming all over his hands since his movements were too refined due to having done this way too many times before. As you panted and tried to compose yourself, Bakugou decided that he had other plans for you. Without giving you a break, he lined his penis right on your hole, and entered you in one go, stretching you out beyond imagination, making you scream. “TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH!” you screamed, holding his hand tight, and he decided to have mercy on you and wait till you got used to his size. The wait was agonizing when you were so tight and warm around him, but you were much more than just a fuck toy to him, which is why, he held you tightly, letting you calm down despite his impatience. “You can move now…” you slurred after a while, clearly drunk off the feeling he sent deep within your guts, and that’s when he decided that he would completely rock your world.
You thought that his pace was fast when he began thrusting in you but it slowly turned into a rather inhuman speed, making you lose your mind completely. All you knew was that extraordinary feeling within you as he rearranged your guts and just him, just Katsuki. You held onto him for dear life, as if you would lose yourself if you loosened the grip and your moans were an incomprehensible mix of his name and how good you feel.
“Tell me babe, am I better than that shitty Deku?” he asked, panting as he held you tight and fucked you inhumanly hard and fast. “Yeshh Katshukiii pweaseeee” you moaned, making him bury his face into your neck to hide the smile forming into his face. “That’s right baby. I’m the fucking best.” He grunted as he spilled his seed deep inside you.
“Heh I made you admit I’m better than shitty Deku.” Bakugou told you with his signature smirk after you calmed down a bit. “Yeah, and you nutted right after. Didn’t know you had a praise kink. How cute.” You answered back with a smirk. “I ain’t cute fuckface!” Bakugou yelled at you, yet again, blushing furiously. “Sure, you aren’t. Anyway, when are you asking me out on a date properly?” you asked him. “I did ask you out properly.” He answered nonchalantly. “Right… Trying to make me jealous by creating yet another PR nightmare was totally the best way to ask a girl out. I applaud your sheer wooing abilities.” You answered sarcastically, ready for him to yell again. However, this was different. This felt more like a couple bickering. You, for once, really didn’t hate Bakugou Katsuki.
Two years later:
Actually, scratch that, you still kinda did hate him. Not always, but you definitely gave him a piece of your mind whenever he created yet another PR nightmare. However, things were different now. Nowadays, his PR nightmares consists of him trying to beat up anyone that says anything negative about you, (unless they are women. He just makes them cry by bullying them about basically their entire existence). After finally asking you out properly, he started dating you, making your relationship go public last year. You moved into his house a few months into the relationship and, well, let’s just say the two of you bicker every single day just for fun cause you both are weird like that. You still work as his assistant and he still is a pain in the ass, but honestly, deep down, you can’t help but love him for his absurd PR nightmares like his entire fanbase.
A/N: Well, this is it. I finally finished this series after a shitty writer’s block!
Taglist: @bonbonthedragon @the2ndl
#bakugou katsuki#bakugo smut#bakugou#katsukibakugou#bakugou x reader#bakugo × reader#bakugo x reader#bakugo katsuki#bakugou x you#bakugou x y/n#bakugou smut#bakugou soft#bakugou fanfiction#bakugou fluff#katsuki x reader#Katsuki Bakugō#katsuki smut#mha katsuki#bnha bakugou#bakugo fluff#bnha#bnha fanfiction#bnha x reader#bakugou × reader
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rene answers old shit: kotor edition
this is good bc revan can communicate in many verbal and non-verbal languages but chooses violence instead. completely incomprehensible. malak only knows what they mean because he’s immune to Revan Bullshit
his friends include: dead people, dead people, more dead people, T3-M4, sometimes bao-dur, and visas. he used to be a big people person with a large social circle but y’know when you feel all your friends die through the force and it turns you into a living wound it kinda shifts your social relationships.
the exile doesn’t deserve most of the bullshit the exile goes through, let’s be honest here. but then again, is there a single person who deserves to deal with kreia?? except maybe revan and the sith triumvate (and maybe atris??)
the exile and revan have a complicated-ass relationship but they are brought together by their shared love for t3, dunking on the jedi, and bitching about how much of a pain in the ass kreia is. you never see them ‘getting along’ but they’re never far apart from each other?? they work in perfect sync?? are they frenemies? exes?? who fucking knows.
edit: i forgot to say dont apologize for your english, it is very good, and even if it wasn’t i dont give a shit, i’m a native speaker and i speak in broken english all the time. if you speak english as a second/third/etc language you fucking rock, it’s a bitch to learn.
@your-fathers-lightsaber thank u!! lol im bad at consistent faces. i’m glad u enjoyed revan’s face journey and more importantly, though it’s a year late, welcome to kotor hell! congrats on your first playthrough, unless you killed mission, in which case holy shit you went all in for your first playthrough huh
revan rolling up on malachor like “im queer and i’m here baybee” kjdaskjass. i am here for bi revan. also i know being bi is not ‘being attracted to only two genders’ bc there are more genders than that but also i like to meme so:
personally, my revan has id’d as pan and bi throughout their life. we stan a nb queer icon.
#im not drawing for every ask obviously#just the ones im like. VIBING with.#anyway these r all old#luv u all#Answered stuff
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I could NOT resist your prompt meme and I could equally NOT resist asking for 69 😎 (Doing this on anon because I still haven’t worked out side blogging, but I’m cherrydreamer)
@cherrydreamer
Don’t worry, this is my sideblog as well, and it is just not a function yet to send asks from them!
69. “I’ve never done this before.”
And while I have, I’ve never written it before, so this is exciting!!!
I sat down when I came home today, and wrote it all out in one sitting, 1.6k words only, but I knew from the moment I even got this ask exactly what I wanted to do, and I am very happy with the result! Just straight to the point!
Thank you so much for sending one in!!!
Before I let you all read this juicy fic, I wanna say that I’ve gotten 5 69 requests, yes, 5, and several friends have admitted they were so close to saying 69 or 420, and I think it is hilarious, I love each and every one of you all so much for this!! 😂😂🤣 AND I’m gonna do them all!!! all 5 69s; I already know what the next two are gonna be!!
Now, with my rambling done, please, enjoy~
-
“I’ve never done this before,” Steve says, honest, and his words don't surprise Billy.
“Yeah you don’t strike me as the type,” his response spoken through a crooked smirk, eyes adoring as he takes in the perfect nudity of his blushing boyfriend.
And Steve’s eyes crinkle as he laughs. “Don’t be rude! I’m doing this for you!”
Billy chuckles and leans in to kiss those smiling lips. “No, we’re doing this for us, for fun.” His hand lingers against Steve’s neck; rubbing soothing circles just beneath his jaw.
“You done it before?” Steve’s dark and lustrous eyes fall down to where Billy’s thick chub rests against his thigh, just past the border of where his tan-line cuts off.
“Sure, a few times but only with girls, usually with her on top so I don’t, you know…” He caresses Steve’s cheek and grins something so self-satisfied. “Choke her to death.”
Steve can’t help the chortle that escapes, and he leans forward to press their foreheads together. He’s all flushed and nervous and weirdly embarrassed to try something new, but also excited.
“So how do we do it?”
“Well, as much as I’d love to fuck the shit out of your pretty little mouth,” Billy drawls rough and erotic, his thumb pulling at Steve’s lower lip, “I’m thinking the safest position is for us both to be on our sides, that way we’re both in equal control and responsible for our own breathing.”
Again Steve lets out a little jittery noise, close to a chuckle, as he kisses Billy’s palm. “Okay.”
“And you just say stop if you don’t like it or if it’s too much or for any reason really, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Steve whispers and leans in to kiss the other, smiling and blushing and just- “God, I feel like a virgin again!”
Billy grabs him firmly with both hands to his cheeks, kisses him over and over and over in an attempt to alleviate some of the timid nerves. “You’ll do fine, don’t worry! Now, lie down on your side.”
So Steve does as is asked, lays down on his side, head near where the pillow would have been if Billy didn’t insist they needed the full bed clear of everything that could “get in the way.”
“Mmmmh,” Billy hums in appreciation and runs his hand down along Steve’s side till he reaches a thigh and squeezes it softly. “Comfortable?”
“As comfortable as I’ll get,” Steve replies with a little, happy smile.
“Good.” And there’s a glint of something so devious in Billy’s eyes, lids heavy and pupils blown as he stares down.
Then he gets on his side, mirroring Steve’s pose but with his head in the opposite end, eyeing up that long cock that lies at half mast, having gone a bit soft from nerves, but Billy doesn’t take it personal. He looks down - or up, depending on whose perspective is to be taken into consideration - and catches Steve looking back.
“Enjoying the view?” Billy asks and cracks a wide and humored grin.
Steve visibly swallows, and nods. “Y-yeah, very.”
The trust placed in him is terribly heart warming, and just goes to show how much Steve really loves Billy. And Billy can’t help but love him back.
“Now lift up your head and I’ll just slip my leg underneath so you can rest on my thigh if need be, yeah?” Billy’s calm as he guides Steve on this exploratory journey, rock hard but patient, and Steve does exactly as instructed. “Perfect.”
“Any… any final advice?” Steve’s tone is hesitant but intrigued.
To those words, Billy licks his lips, making them good and wet, smirking like a devil down between Steve’s thighs. “Don’t be shy.” And he wolfs down Steve’s dick in one go, sucking him in as deep as he can go before gagging.
“Fuck, ah!” Steve gasps loudly and tenses up in an attempt to fight the urge to buck his hips for more.
Billy works him over good and ravenously, a hand around the bottom of the shaft where his lips can’t quite reach, tongue rolling against the head whenever, moaning and rumbling around Steve’s cock as it’s quick to grow fully hard with such masterful persuasion. It curves so wonderfully along his tongue and toward his throat.
“Oh God, shit-”
From the lack of attention, Billy moves his own hips, moans out something that could resemble actual words as he inches himself closer to Steve’s head.
There is instant relief in surface tension as slender fingers wrap around his aching erection and starts moving at an all too erratic pace, but it’s working for him, especially when Steve then closes his lips around the head and licks across the slit, swirls around the hot flesh, sucking on just the tip for now, but with such enthusiasm it makes Billy’s cock kick and leak near immediately.
Steve gives good fucking head for a guy who’s mostly only been with girls, but there’s always such a ferocity to it, like he loves the feeling of Billy’s girthy cock in his mouth, on his tongue, tickling the back of his throat as he swallows all of him.
He would survive, Billy thinks, if he had decided to be on top of this, fucking with abandon into this incredible wet heat while sucking off Steve’s own lengthy dick. Steve could probably take it, would probably just let him thrust with wild abandon. And the imagery of it is enough to make him go insane.
“God, Stevie,” he pops off to groan out, breathing hard and ragged as he gazes down, hand still fisting fervently. “Feels so fucking good, pretty boy, you’re doing so so good for me, arrh-”
And Steve moans eagerly, goes deeper till there’s no more flesh and his nose is pressed against Billy’s balls.
“Fuck, that’s amazing,” Billy pants and hisses.
Before going back to taste the pre that drips from Steve’s hard cock, Billy shoves three fingers into his mouth, gathering spit and licking around each digit, getting them as soaking wet as possible, then brings them over Steve’s hip, between his cheeks and teases at his hole, getting the rim nice and slippery, but not yet penetrating; waits for the go ahead.
Steve pulls off to meet Billy’s gaze, his own expression that of unadulterated euphoria. “Please, please, yes.”
It takes no more than that to make Billy drive in his middle finger all the way past the second knuckle, earning himself a loud and wonderful, “Ah!”
As he pumps the finger in and out, he bobs his head in tact, keeping a fast and confident rhythm, knowing from the way Steve loses all control of his voice that he’s doing absolutely magnificent, and the elated sounds coming from his boyfriend could easily bring him over the edge.
“Oh fuck, ahh, Billy, yes! M-more-” Steve mewls and calls out, having completely abandoned the task of sucking Billy clean, but more than makes up for it with a slick and excited handjob.
He needs air, and it is his first time doing something like this, he’ll learn, with practice, Billy’s not upset or disappointed.
By the keen request, he pushes in a second finger, keeps the same pace and recognizes easily from the way that Steve’s rambling and moaning out curses that he’s close, Billy’s close, too. Steve’s muscles contracting around his thick fingers, the hand around his cock jerking and flicking like his life depends on it, all he really needs, really wants now is for Steve to cum all over his tongue, fill up his mouth, make him choke and swallow on his semen.
So he sucks with more passion, forces his way further down till he feels the head go deeper into his throat, hollows his cheeks, curls his tongue around the shaft the best he can, and at that Steve comes undone, crying out till there’s no more air in his lung, cumming hard and thick down Billy’s throat, who takes great pleasure in swallowing every single drop.
His own tumble over the edge is incredible, so utterly fulfilling, as he cums into Steve’s swift hand, the heat of his orgasm blooming in his cock and sending warm ripples up his abs, down his thighs, toes curling as he pulls off of Steve’s wasted prick to breathe and groan, his entire being tensing up perfectly as Steve works him through it with a firm yet tender hand.
They both roll onto their backs, panting and heaving, exhausted and destroyed, just reveling in the afterglow and glorious bliss, waiting for their senses to return.
Billy’s the first to move as he sits up to look at Steve. White streaks have been painted across his chest, a bit on his chin, and like in the presence of a masterpiece that hang at the Louvre, Billy admires his work. He reaches down to swipe away sweaty locks from Steve’s forehead, and hadn’t realized just how sweaty his own neck got till just now.
“That was…” Steve huffs, somewhere between serene and disbelief. “Wow, I dunno… Fun?”
And Billy can’t help but chuckle at that. “Yeah,” he says with a nod, “Fun.”
He brings his hand down to Steve’s chest and draws with his own semen, connecting the moles in an incomprehensible pattern.
“Perfetto!” he erupts, showing off what little Italian he has picked up from his dear boyfriend.
Steve leans up on his elbows and looks down at the mess, then laughs joyfully, before saying with a perfect accent, “Molto bene!” And he pulls Billy down into a loving and adoring kiss.
#Harringrove#My Writing#Lemon#Mystery Prompt#500 Followers#Actual 69'ing#Also#Italian Steve#Cherrydreamer#Anonymous
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for the dsmp citizen meme: 5, 16
thankyou bestie...twirls telephone cord around my finger
5: friends with any non-canon characters?
for the uninitiated (ie. people who are not max therapyarc) my citizensona slash oc slash what ever is literally just some shitwad who waits tables at las nevadas and she exists purely to make me laugh so like. i imagine she has a whole cast of insane restaurant coworkers (bitterly divorced manager with a lot of extremely specific, debatably safe for work advice to impart, the same four people getting together and breaking up with each other at such an incomprehensible pace that they register as a loving polycule to the untrained eye, the guy who comes in ludicrously high but nobody yells at them because they’re Just That Good, etc) and also six roommates because lnv is bloodcurdlingly expensive to live in. there’s a nightly seven-way fistfight and last man standing gets to use the only outlet. c!skip's singular saving grace is that she is inexplicably besties with c!max, a cool historian based out of snowchester who’s been around since doomsday and is a lot more knowledgeable about the greater context of the server than she is. they write/text? man idk each other constantly and she keeps every message and reads them back over whenever she’s feeling sad and needs a good memory or alternatively whenever one of her roommates accidentally sets off the smoke alarm doing bong hits at 3am and she has to completely occupy herself while they wait for the super (who will not show them how to do it themselves) to come turn it off or she’ll kill someone
16: fight, flight, flirt, or freeze?
flight. i am dogshit awful at minecraft and i think it is funny if she has just atrocious fucking coordination and stamina as a result so fighting is out. she is outrageously horny but not as a fear response so flirt is out. freeze is just flight for people with commitment issues. she is a coward through and through and if it sucks make no mistake she will hit the bricks as hard and as fast as possible unless she thinks whatever’s happening could be of some value to the Las Nevadas Hot Gossip Economy then she’ll record it like she’s taking minutes at a murder trial. say it with me folks real winners quit
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‘heather’ - h.h.j
i am sad and am listening to conan gray’s new album kid krow - this is inspired by ‘heather’ from that album. listen to it. it’s sad and i cry a little bit every time because i kinda relate to it too with my actual friends... anyway. this is kinda like me fictionally venting about it but through fanfic so i hope you enjoy this angst.
genre: angst, angst, angst. highschool au.
tw/cw: swearing, alcohol (kinda underage drinking? tbh i’m assuming they’re all above 18 so idk guess it depends on the laws where you live, where i am it’s 18)
pairing: hyunjin x reader i guess? kinda but also not really. you’ll see what i mean when you read the story.
just over 3k words
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it was the third of december, a sunday, approximately 4pm. you and your best friend (whom you were definitely, absolutely not in love with) were hanging out at his house, having spent most of the day watching movies in the pillow fort you had made in his living room. your phone buzzed beside you, under the soft mink blanket.
“i gotta head home now.” you sat up, stretching, looking down at him.
he was pouting. (god it just made him more adorable-) “come on, five more minutes?”
“i can’t jinnie, my grandparents from out of town are visiting and mum wants me there to see them.” he sighed.
“argh, fine.” you both crawled out of the fort, and you reached the front door. opening it, a cold wind blew in. you were in a somewhat thin t-shirt. “take my sweater.” before you could even attempt to protest, he’d whipped the black sweater off and threw it at you. it landed over your head. you pulled it over your body, instantly swamped in the soft material. (it smelled just like him too, you tried to ignore the way it made your heart race.)
“thanks.”
“you’re welcome. it looks better on you.” he grinned. you hugged briefly, and then began the walk home, head spinning as you tried to remember to breathe. after the dinner with your grandparents, you sat in your room, in his sweater, inhaling the scent and playing with the sweater paws. you fell asleep with a soft smile on your face.
-
it was the end of the winter holidays, spring rapidly approaching. school was back, and you and hyunjin were sitting in the cafeteria during lunch with your friends. it was loud, the mass of teenagers chatting loudly. you were listening to felix as he was talking about what had happened in drama, recreating the scene with jisung. you glanced at hyunjin, soft smile on his pretty face. it disappeared as he began staring, a look you’d never seen on his face before. you followed his gaze, hitching your breath at who he was (now very obviously) staring at. he was completely mesmerized.
of course it was a girl. admittedly a very beautiful one, clearly a new student. imagine, the definition of the soft girl aesthetic - perfect, slightly curled brown hair, oversized pale pink knitted sweater, half-tucked into light blue mom jeans rolled up at the ankle, white adidas finishing the look. round frame glasses, and the perfect smattering of freckles over her nose and cheekbones.
perfect, perfect, perfect.
picture perfect.
as she walked past your table, you glanced at hyunjin. he was, as felix would say, ‘absolutely whipped’ - heart eyes, mouth slightly agape, relaxed facial expression.
you quickly exhaled. “shut your mouth before you start drooling.” you snapped.
he jolted out of his daydream at your sudden sharp tone. “shit, was i staring?”
“you’re whipped, bro.”
“she’s sitting alone, i’ll go talk to her.” he got up quickly, moving away from your table. you observed his body language - you could imagine him giving her that charming smile, while it wasn’t as pretty has the one where his eyes crinkle up, it was still infectious and entrancing at the same time.
“sorry, y/n.” jisung murmured in your ear. though he was smiling, his eyes said otherwise. he knew how you felt about your mutual friend and was always sympathetic towards you.
“we’ll see how long this one lasts, i guess.” you shrugged. something was different about this one, you could tell. it used to be more puppy love, but this looked more like real, romantic love. and it kind of scared you a little bit.
“i’m gonna go to the library.” you got up, bag slung over one shoulder, putting on a podcast (welcome to night vale, a long time favourite of yours) as you sat down. you pulled out your english book and a sharpie, idly doodling patterns and writing down quotes as you hear them. you had a free period after lunch, so you stayed there until the end of the day, the covers of your english, history, calculus, physics, chemistry, and music book covers were completely covered in drawings, and you had little sharpie smudges all along your hands and arms.
-
things had been getting better for hyunjin (and worse for you) - he shared a few classes with the girl he learned was from england, called heather. and she was all he talked about - until she began sitting with your group during breaks.
“hey, y/n, i know you missed english yesterday so i copied my notes for you.” she smiled, passing you a few pages of paper as everyone met at your table. even her writing was neat and tidy, everything laid out nicely. your notes were exactly the opposite of this, being an incomprehensible mess. jisung had already given you his notes, so you folded them and shoved them into your bag. more ashes for the fireplace, you supposed.
“thanks.” you forced a smile. “much appreciated.”
“no problem!” god, her smile was perfect too. perfect teeth. it made you seethe on the inside. and, she’d taken your usual spot at the edge of the table, across from hyunjin; now you sat sandwiched between jisung and felix. while their antics still made you laugh, it was getting harder to pretend to smile at hyunjin and heather. picture perfect heather. she was everything you were not - twice as pretty as you, and kind too. it just made you more bitter.
you sighed, relieved when the bell rang to indicate the end of lunch - and you were the fastest to leave, too. music went by faster than usual, as you were practicing for your solo pieces. as you were leaving, you saw hyunjin walking by himself.
this was a rare opportunity, and so you seized it.
“hey, jinnie. movie night at mine?”
he shook his head. “sorry y/n, i’m busy. heather and i are gonna be going to...” as soon as he shook his head you sighed, regretting asking. you didn’t bother to listen to his short spiel.
“that’s okay.”
“what about next wednesday? we can hang out at mine?”
“yeah, sure!” it was the first thing that had you looking forward to being around hyunjin in a while.
-
the next day, you didn’t see hyunjin or heather until lunch. you nearly turned on your heel and walked out.
heather was wearing one of hyunjin’s sweaters - of course it wasn’t just any old sweater either. one of his favourites, a bright yellow one that you had bought for him about a year ago. of course he would give her that one. fucking typical.
you breathed in and out a few times to try and calm yourself down. at least it’s polyester, right? not like the woolen one he gave you.
your breathing didn’t really work - you sat down, (accidentally) slamming your drink bottle on the table.
“you good?” jisung asked gently. you shook your head slightly. “do you want to go outside?”
“please.” you both got up, exiting the cafeteria with your bags. it was cool outside, and overcast. you both walked across the field, sitting at a picnic table.
“what’s happened?”
“she’s wearing the sweater i bought for him, like, a year ago.”
his expression softened. “oh...”
“yeah. god- i just- i...” you buried your face in your cold hands. silently, jisung hugged you as you began to cry.
“i can try talking to him if you want.”
“i-it’s okay, there’s probably no point.”
“you never know, i’ll ask him about the sweater for you.”
“much appreciated.” you sighed. you two stayed in that position for some time. he looked up, behind you, seeing felix approaching.
“felix is coming over, is that cool?”
“yeah, yeah.”
“hey, uhh, i wanted to see if y/n was okay.” he sat down at the table, across from you both.
“i’m not, but thanks for showing concern, lix.”
“can i ask why?”
you sighed. “long story short, i have liked hyunjin for years and he’s basically in love with heather and she’s currently wearing the sweater i bought him a year ago.”
“yikes.”
“mhm...” you sat slumped for several minutes. for the rest of lunch, jisung and felix sat with you. while they still cracked jokes here and there, it was strange for them to be as quiet as they were.
-
you felt a little better now that felix and jisung both made the extra effort to try and cheer you up. hangout sessions with them both were quite common - though today it was wednesday and you were looking forward to hanging out with hyunjin. just you two. no perfect heathers to distract your best friend.
waiting outside the main building for him, you saw him and walked over. “oh, hey y/n!” he smiled at you. the eye crunch one. your heart instantly a puddle on the ground.
“hey, hyunjin.” you began walking to his place, and it was just like old times - plenty of teasing and hyunjin being overdramatic while you rolled your eyes at his antics. all was well and you felt the happiest you’d been in some time.
all was well.
two minutes past seven, you and hyunjin were in his room, doing your own thing, occasionally showing each other memes or tiktoks. a knock on the door caused you to flinch slightly. of course, being his bestfriend of several years meant that you had been interrupted by both of his parents knocking on the door numerous times; this was an unfamiliar knock.
and who comes into the room, but perfect heather. with her perfect smile, perfect hair, perfect handwriting, perfect everything.
“oh, hi y/n! sorry to interrupt, i’m happy to leave-”
“it’s fine, see-”
“no, no, no, you can stay if you’d like.” hyunjin beamed.
“are you sure? i wouldn’t want to impose.”
“it’s fine.” you got up, walking towards the door, glaring at hyunjin. “i was just about to leave.” as the weight of your schoolbag met your shoulder, you shut the door. firmly. god, how you wanted to hit him sometimes.
-
a week and a few days later, and here you are at 1am on a saturday morning, dissociating at a party, hosted by jisung’s friend chan. you’re sitting on an armchair in the corner, with chan’s dog sitting by your feet, head on your lap while you gently patted it and scratched behind it’s ears. it was loud, and not your scene, and you hate it, but someone had to look out for slightly intoxicated jisung and felix and you didn’t like the idea of them doing something stupid (which was a very likely thing to occur if you weren’t there to supervise them).
your charges are sitting on a couch with changbin, not too far from where you were, only two or so metres away. on another couch, hyunjin and perfect heather, as well as minho and another dude they were friends with that you recognised from class but didn’t know the name of. (jeongoon? no, jeongin.)
you shift your gaze from jeongin (jeongoon??) to hyunjin and heather. he has one arm around her shoulder. almost like phantom pain, you shiver, suddenly feeling cold. he used to do that with you. emphasis on used to.
you sit, patting chan’s dog (whose eyes are drooping, you feel exactly the same), wallowing in your bitterness. it makes you sad. in any other circumstance, you’d probably be good friends with her. she’s the definition of an angel, yet something about her makes you tick. she’s such an angel but you dislike her. immensely. not hate. it was a shame, really.
it is also a shame that with the blue and red lighting, it falls perfectly on hyunjin’s features, making him seem more ethereal. oh, how you wish you were in heather’s position. if you were in her place, you would’ve kissed him, right there. (after years of nearly doing it but stopping at the last second before he noticed and anything happened.) he’s three metres away from you, but you can picture his face close-up. he’d look so much better up close. how you wish you were heather.
gently lifting the dog’s head from your lap (quietly apologising to it too), you stand in front of jisung and felix.
“i’m leaving. don’t die. text me when you get home.”
jisung pouts. “aww, do you have to leave?”
“i’m not really having fun, there’s no point in me being here.” jisung stood up quickly, clinging to your shoulder as he sways slightly.
“i’ll walk you home, it’s dangerous out there, y/n. big scary spiders and shit.” his eyes are glassy and wide.
“no. no, you stay here, ji, have fun. i’ll be fine.” you force a smile for the boy clinging to you, not unlike a koala.
“but what if like- a huge fuckin’ spider eats you?! what would i do without my y/n?”
you chuckle at his antics. “you’re probably more likely to get me eaten by a big spider than to protect me from one, you idiot.”
a new voice caused you to tense up a little bit. “i’ll walk them home, you stay here jisung.”
the dark haired boy loosens his grip. “okay, if hyunjin’s walking you home that’s fine. but you should definitely not tell him anything y/n.” he sat back down again, almost like nothing had happened. hyunjin follows you out of chan’s place, nearly losing you a few times as you quickly picked your way through the crowd.
you stand on the footpath outside as he approaches you. silently, you walk together for about five minutes, both lost in your own thoughts.
“i feel like we hardly talk anymore, y/n.”
you huff, shoving your hands further into your jacket pockets. “i wonder why.”
“well, why?” he ignores your sarcasm.
“heather.”
“what about her?”
your feet stop. you exhale sharply. this had been going on for long enough, and internally apologise to jisung for doing the exact opposite of what he told you to do.
“you want to know? fine, i’ll tell you. i have been in love with you for years but have been too afraid to say it, when you had these little crushes on others and always having these short little flings with them but it didn’t matter because you always came back to me. then perfect heather turns up and you very obviously fall in love with her which is fair enough, and i feel horrible because she’s so perfect and lovely but i can’t help but despise her because she’s the one you love, not me. and it breaks my heart because you’re both so nice and she doesn’t deserve me being an asshole to her like this but i can’t help it, her perfection just irritates me in ways that i can’t describe.
it’s like you replaced me, but with the perfect girl that you fell in love with while i sit in the corner, upset and bitter, because i am ultimately a coward who doesn’t know how to confess to their best friend. also, you gave her the sweater i bought you, the yellow one, but clearly don’t remember that because i’m just not that important to you anymore. everything is heather, heather, heather, with you and regardless of the romantic feelings, i miss you and want to know what happened to my best friend.”
your heavy breathing after your rant filled the silence.
“y/n i...”
“look, you don’t have to respond. i just needed you to hear that. i’m tired of trying to hide how i feel.” you turn on you heel and began walking quickly - your house was only a block away. curse hyunjin and his long legs.
“look, i’m sorry, y/n. i am so sorry that you feel like that. i’m sorry that i became so focused on one person. i’m sorry i can’t return your feelings, but i still love you as a friend. can we still be friends?”
you stop again, keeping your gaze towards the ground. “i don’t know if i can ever see you as just a friend.”
“so... no?”
you breathe in. “no, hyunjin. we can’t be friends.” you look up at him. you’d never seen him look this broken, this tormented, and it was because of you. you hold your arms out, and he falls into your embrace. you can tell by the way he’s breathing and the quiet sniffles that he’s crying on your shoulder.
-
it is the 3rd of march, a saturday at approximately 2am. you and your former best friend (who you are very much in love with) are embracing for the last time in the middle of the street, almost but not quite outside your house. your phone buzzes in your jacket pocket, repeatedly.
“you better pick that up.” hyunjin said softly, pulling away from you, forcing a smile. it makes your heart twinge at the sight. nothing like the radiant ones you are used to, that you might never get to see up close again.
you sigh when you saw the caller id, answering anyway. “jisung, what?”
“you should be home by now y/n. are you safe? did you tell hyunjin anything? i hope he protected you from big spiders and shit.” he was slurring his words a little bit - clearly he’d had a bit more to drink since you’d left.
“i’m almost home, ji. he protected me from all the spiders.”
“okay well, that’s good. i’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“yep. stay safe.” you hang up and sigh, looking back at hyunjin. “look after him and felix for me, please.”
“i will.”
“thank you, hyunjin. you’re a wonderful person.” you begin to walk down the street, looking back when you reach your front door. you glance back, and see his dark figure, slowly walking down the street. you slip in your house quietly, and manage to hold your tears in until you reach your room. you sit on your bed, in his sweater, crying into the sweater paws. eventually, sleep takes over your body, your face sticky with tears.
#stray kids imagines#stray kids angst#hwang hyunjin#stray kids scenarios#hyunjin#skz hyunjin#skz#stray kids crack
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Author Interview
I got tagged in the author interview meme by @tishinada... a while ago lol Sorry it took so long to do this :(
Name: Semper-Draca (shorted to ‘semper’ for most casual chat). I started this blog as a Harry Potter blog approximately five bajillion years ago before I got into swtor and I originally had a latin url because... harry potter. When I swapped away from HP, I wanted to keep the latin but I was also using the blue eyes white dragon as my profile pic for a lot of other things at the time. Hence Semper-Draca, which translates to ‘always a dragon’. Dragon is usually ‘draco’ but I did a bit of declension fiddling to make it feminine instead of masculine.
Fandoms: SWtOR! I post other things here too, but that’s my main obsession. I also post a teensy bit of Dragon Age, a teensy bit of Star Wars at large, and honestly I don’t know, probably just a melange of whatever I happen to be into at the moment.
Where do you post: I post all my SWtOR fanart on tumblr, and I used to maintain an artstation account that I’ve let fall into disuse. In terms of writing, I post things like short prompt responses on tumblr, but nearly everything I post to my AO3, in part because all my writing is way too goddamn long to fit tumblr’s format.
Most popular one shot: Dreaming, which was a quick little soulmate prompt response, where when you sleep, you dream of whatever your soulmate is doing.
Most popular multi chapter: Iustitia. It’s Gimrizh(F!SW)/Quinn, currently sitting at over a million words, and it’s basically my magnum opus of a fic. It veers away from canon storyline frequently at the beginning and has since abandoned it entirely. Give it a read if you’re not intimidated by wordcount.
Favourite Story written: Honestly, Iustitia. I’m really proud of it and it’s the thing that got me back into writing. I hadn’t written since my early years of high school and took about a three year break before I started writing the original version of Iustitia. That fic really made me the writer I am today and I’ll always love it for that reason, even if time makes me judge its writing more harshly.
Fic Nervous to post: Gonna be honest, I’ve kinda run out of fucks when it comes to posting fic. I’ve got a number of pwp one shots up and I kinda wasn’t nervous about posting any of them. That said, I do have some work up that I published anonymously...
How I choose titles: I open up my trusty copy of Wheelock’s Latin Dictionary. That’s pretty much it lol
Do I outline: Sort of. Before starting a chapter I’ll write a blurb outline at the bottom. It’s mostly incomprehensible to anyone besides me, and it’s usually only a single paragraph long. Sentences in that outline are usually in the variety of “sexy times happen” “The Fight Scene you know how this goes” “Scourge says ominous shit” ect
Complete. Apart from one shots, the only thing I have that’s complete right now is Nivalis Osculum aka that vampire au that I wrote a few years ago. In my head it’s a trilogy, but it’s kinda being shelved as fanfic for a while in the hopes that I can eventually convince my agent to let me work on it and try to sell it. If smeyer can rake in the $$ from her mormon superhero trash, I should be allowed to publish gothic queer vampires lol
Coming soon?: The next Iustitia chapter. It’s going to be a solid 75% fluff, happiness, and Good Things Happening.
In progress: I promise I’m still working on Anima Mea, the daemon au. I’m plodding through Pierce’s first chapter right now. Apart from that, all my in progress work is for original novels.
Prompts: I always like doing prompt memes and stuff, either for art or writing, although I admit it often takes me a while to get to them. I totally am not ignoring you, I’m just slow.
Upcoming work: Uh. *shrug*
tagging: @inquisitorhotpants @pineaberry @starrypawz @the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond @sunsetofdoom and @anchanted-one
#swtor#thanks for the tag this was a ton of fun!#as always if i tagged you and you don't want to do it no pressure#or if i didnt tag you but you want to do it cause it looks fun then take this as a tag :D
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I’ve just been thinking--it’s about time I make a proper index for my TAZ fics, huh? Also contains: mini-series, ficlets, goof posts, and lyric comics.
(All of the fics are rated G, or T at most for McElroy-appropriate language.)
FICS
I Saw Seven Bounties | Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends, Complete | Mostly lighthearted, episodic recounting of Kravitz and Barry’s rivalry throughout those first twelve years on Faerun. 24K.
-->Extras: Lich Eyes, Fantasy Starbucks, Alt POV for Chapter 1 & Chapter 5, Sorry
They Say Fire Took Phandalin | Small-town supernatural/sorta-haunted-house AU | Fresh out of grad school, Barry Bluejeans takes a job and a house in the rural nowhere-town of Phandalin. And it’s not like he thought fitting in would be a walk in the park, but the people there all act really weird, and it’s almost like they’re expecting something of him, too. 11K/~20K.
What Can’t Be Done Alone (Detective Squad) | Canon Divergent, Found Family, Fluff | AU where the voidfish works a little better, and Angus never finds the Bureau. Instead, he finds a strange lich in a cave, and he most certainly continues to work this case and not gradually get adopted instead. 18K/~22K.
-->Extras: Drangus AU Oneshot
If I Wanted to be Funny I’d Name This Fic “The Time Belt” | Futuristic sci-fi AU feat. time travel | Taako meets the only people in years who recognize the Institute’s name. Known time criminal Barry Bluejeans continues to evade law enforcement. 2K/??.
Overgrowth / Undercurrent | Roleswap AU, Johnchurch, Pining, Twoshot, Happy ending optional | Overgrowth is a oneshot that follows John, the Starblaster’s chief diplomat, through a series of parleys with Merle, the center of the plane-consuming mass of plants that’s been chasing his crew. Undercurrent is a sequel about their post-canon reunion. 4K + 6K.
--> Extras: PLAYLIST by @merle-casts-zone-of-truth
Davenport Remembers | Post-canon, Oneshot | Davenport meets with his crew members to try to reconcile his anger with Lucretia, or to decide whether he should. 1.5K.
MINI-SERIES
AU Where Taako is a Lich - Pretty much what it says on the tin here, folks!
Baritz (ask series) - A fusion of Barry and Kravitz, who took over my blog and answered asks for a while. (He originated in the Gallows/S&S lyric comic.)
Good Adventures (Good Omens crossover) - The Antichrist’s wishes summon the wrong boatful of aliens. Thankfully, it seems they’re apocalypse experts. [with plot-ideas help from @avijohann.]
Omen Zone (Good Omens crossover 2) - Barry is a demon. Kravitz is an angel. Kravitz probably won’t ever admit that they’re friends.
Pokémon: Century Version (Pokémon crossover) - Stolen Century AU where they’re all pokémon trainers. Faerun spin-off: Double Trouble
Till Death, Don’t Let’s Start - Barry fucks up. Kravitz is present.
Very Normal Blog Posts (ask series) - In which Garfield is not at all dangerous, and I am perfectly fine. <alt: chronological link - desktop only>
COMICS & ART
Gallows/Steady and Stronger (Double lyric comic) - Canon-divergent AU where, as the world is ending, Barry gives up to Kravitz. [Image description version]
[Lyric Comics] - Other, shorter lyric comics based on single verses of songs.
Dear Scientist’s Log (series) - Illustrated ship logs from Barry J. Bluejeans.
Movie Madness (Comic) - Barry obsesses over the unforgivable.
Palette Prompts (Arts) - Art from art meme prompts.
Pregananant (goof comic) - You know the one.
REAPER (Comic) - Baritz fuses with Lup.
These Jeans? (Animatic) - Barry advertises jeans.
They’re Both Tessa Thompson (Comic) - Lucretia has a nightmare. Barry reassures her.
War (Goof comic) - prompt: "taakitz with CAT”
What’s bigger than this? - The Red Robe.
FICLETS
Back Soon - Kravitz leaves a note with unfortunate wording.
Bodyswap: Barry & Davenport - During Wonderland.
Casual - AU where the red robe talks like a normal person.
Command - Barry misuses his magic.
Davenport - There’s something unsettling about that butler.
Hangin’ Out - Lup and Magnus.
Harvest - Roleswap AU: Barry is the Hunger.
Healing Necromancy - Merle tries to teach Barry some tricks.
Hope - Barry knows she’s still out there.
How Long? - Taako is frustrated.
In Pieces - The staff.
Liches Forget Too - AU.
Lucretia Forgets - In which there was a mistake with the voidfish ichor.
Lup’s Robe - Gifts from Taako.
Mourning Glories - The flowers in Merle’s beard.
New Years - Celebrations and fears.
Parole - Barry and Kravitz bonding hours.
Phone a Friend - Baritz (the fusion from Gallows/S&S) meets Angus.
Raising the Dead - Barry has to use his crew members’ corpses. [sequel]
Robbie...? - Magnus breaks into the brig immediately after Petals to the Metal.
Second Apocalypse - Based on that one party liveshow. What was the rest of the crew doing, again?
3 Sentence Fics - Pairing + AU prompts.
Smartstone - Lup gets stuck in a Stone of Far Speech, instead.
Stir Crazy - Barry waiting for a new body to grow. Thoughts of Lucretia.
Writing Things Down - In case you forget (again).
You Remember - Taako remembers.
PROMINENT GOOFS
Barry’s Dead - But he’s fine! Calm down!
Character Development - Joke’s on you, DM!
Crystal Kingdom - An absolutely bonkers arc.
Dealer - Merle pun.
Decapitate Me - for making this post
Don’t Care - Taako during the finale. [bonus]
Epilogue - Bracer struggles. [bonus: 1, 2]
Explain the Hunger (Good Omens crossover) - Magnus explains the hunger to Aziraphale and Crowley. They react in varying ways. [with cursed art contributions from @avijohann and @mspainttaz]
Fifteen Dollars - Plus interest. [Bonus]
Fullmetal Kingdom - They’re the same, right?
Gender - And lack of roles.
Gnomes Don’t Exist - They’re all aliens, actually.
Hot Diggity Shit - Been a while.
Icon Confusion - The saga of people thinking my icon is a carrot. [chrono link - desktop only]
Incomprehensible Denim - Jeff Angel’s illegal pants.
In Case it Changes Anything - Taako, Kravitz, and lies.
Irresponsible Teens - Magnus and Lucretia get into trouble.
I Saw Seven Nerds - That’s the post.
Gogurt - Taako’s crimes.
Learning to Drive - i.e. Barry & Davenport Bonding(?) Hours.
Live Shows - The general mood.
Lucretia’s Efforts - A proper meme? On my TAZ blog?
Lup Said No Thanks - That time Magnus was in a tree.
Magnus’ Death - So many close calls.
Nearest Middle-Aged Woman - Clint’s characters’ friends.
Necromancy? - You must be mistaken!
Ned’s Aliases - The Truth.
Pirate Debt - Davenport during that one liveshow.
Punch Squad - SQUAD!
Reaper Cloak - Thoughts.
Relic Names - She probably changed them.
Responsible Necromancy - Good and bad ideas.
Resume - It’s not like they thought it would be relevant.
Schools of Magic - And the Sash was what, again?
Self Care - Respect the dead, please.
Server Shenaniganry (art) - TAAKO THE CAT, NO!
Soulmate AU - Where your soulmate’s greatest enemy is on your wrist. [alt]
Stern’s Truth - You Know.
Taako’s Last Name - Taako’s last name.
Team Composition - The post where everyone wants to argue with me about what qualifies as a wizard.
Third Option - Taako saves the day.
You’re Laughing - End of Suffering Game.
THEORIES/MECHANICS/THOUGHTS
Aloof - Holes Taako refuses to fill.
Barry’s Lucky Possessee - Graphic novel theory hopes & dreams.
Catpiling - Stolen Century thought.
Davenport’s Deaths - Sucks when you always wake up driving.
Death Leaves a Mark - Stolen Century AU concept.
Everyone Else - Some people didn’t get perfect endings.
Fantasy Nonsense - lore about the word “fantasy,” as in “Jesus Fantasy Christ.”
Fragments - Magnus’ memory.
Forgiveness - Old post about the crew’s thoughts on Lucretia’s actions.
Forgot to Erase - Lucretia’s errors.
FULL TIMELINE POST - the Balance timeline.
Gauntlet - (disproven!) Theory about the final relic, from before it was confirmed in the show.
Gnome Nicknames - Thoughts on Cap’nport.
High School AU - Some old headcanons.
Home World Names - The pattern in surnames (or lack thereof) on the IPRE’s homeworld.
Hour - This isn’t a thought so much as an Actual Thing That Magnus Said before the time loops had started, which is absurd.
Idiots in Love - The IPRE’s collective braincell was lost for all of Legato. [2]
Liches, Alone - Being stuck as raw emotion for an awfully long time.
Losing Julia - And subsequent developments.
Love - What was remembered and forgotten.
Love Without Fear - Thoughts on bonds during the Stolen Century.
Memory - Barry actually shouldn’t have remembered anything.
Nickname - Memory of Lup.
Paladin Barry Theory - Converging evidence on Barry’s multiclassing.
Paradox AU - blueprint for 8th, 9th, 10th, etc. Bird AU of your choice(s). (Extra)
Phylactery Mechanics - How liches differ.
Produce Flame - Mechanics of John killing Merle.
Recklessness - THB’s actions recontextualized.
Relic Schools of Magic - They don’t have them!!!
Relicswap AU - Where all the birds get swapped out.
Seven Birds as Gods - Ask-prompt thoughts.
Staring at the Sun - The birds and their light sensitivity.
Story, Song, & Sorcery - Effects on the young population.
Sword Tornado - Magnus Mechanics. [bonus: Time Warlock]
The Good Place AU - A series of crossover thoughts.
Tree Climbing - Davenport shenanigans.
Unique Magic Types - [and combo styles]
What Killed Maureen - hint: it wasn’t Fisher.
#the adventure zone#taz balance#mine#index#there were a fair few in here that id forgotten about too!#god i hope i didnt mess up any of these links
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1. Caught Dead with a Beretta
Fic Title: First Blood
Rating: E
Length: 1/33 chapters, ~128k
Tags: Slow Burn, Idiots to Lovers, Trans Character (gavin), Autistic / Asexual / Non-binary Character (nines), BDSM, learning to use good etiquette and safe words, Dom Nines / Sub Gavin, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort
Chapter Tags: suicide, death / murder, verbal hazing
Link on AO3
***
Gavin's sick of working suicides—they're depressing as hell and aren't going to do anything for his promotion. He's just got to the crime scene already wants to go home. It's fucking ass'o'clock in the morning, and he hasn't slept worth shit, so of course Nines texted to let him know about the scene the second he'd finally dozed off.
The elevator ride up to the two thousand square foot loft gives him enough time to get hit with shit, did I take my meds before I left home? Fuck. Maybe?
Goddammit. Maybe he should switch to those patches and gels instead of a weekly injection. Taking his T is the one thing he never, ever forgets, so if he switched to something he could do daily and took his meds for the BPD and ADHD at the same time …
The elevator doors ding open, ruining his train of thought. Nines is here already because he doesn't fucking sleep, apparently. That hot fuckboy he sucked off once—and the beat cop for this side of town—Brayden, is in there too, but Gavin's most recent bout of soul-crippling insomnia has actually worn him down too much to be horny.
Well, too much to put forth the effort for flirting, at least.
"—huh, Nine Thousand?" Brayden says as Gavin walks up.
Nines doesn't respond.
"He's RK nine hundred," Gavin says. "Not like the meme. Super disappointing."
Brayden grins. "Yeah, but I mean like, the movie."
"Nine thousand?"
Gavin frowns, trying to force his stupid idiot brain to think. All he can come up with is 300. Maybe it's a movie based off of that one book? The like, underwater … and submarines. Something-number thousand leagues under the sea? No fuck, that's not nine thousand.
"Two thousand," Brayden says. "And one."
Shit, is that the number of leagues or the title of the movie?
"Man, I am way too fucking tired." Gavin waves him off. "I'm not even into that film shit. I just like action movies."
Brayden heaves a deep sigh. "I've seen your file, Gavin. You're too smart to willingly lump yourself in with the uneducated masses."
"May we proceed with the crime scene, detective?" Nines asks before Gavin can reply.
Brayden flinches a little. The only reason Gavin doesn't get scared himself is because he's gotten used to Nines not breathing or moving—until he suddenly does. Makes people jumpy as shit to realize they forgot about the giant fucking android just standing there.
Not blinking. Or breathing.
"Go ahead," Brayden says with a sweep of his hand, like he didn't just jump half a foot.
"May we proceed with the crime scene, detective?" Nines asks instead of complying.
"Yeah, sure," Gavin grants permission.
Nines proceeds. Gavin tries to hold back a smirk. Brayden's the pretentious kind of asshole who loves explaining shit no one cares about, but he's pretty hot too, and Gavin's not quite ready to burn that bridge to Terra-dick-bia by pissing him off. No, that sounds terrible. The bridge to … mm, dick.
Damn, he's tired.
He follows after Nines, a little worried he might wander off in his sleep-deprived state and get lost in all this square footage of prime fucking real estate. Even saints would have to work to feel sorry for dead people as rich as this.
Finally, he stumbles into a section of the open floor plan that seems to function as the living room. There's a flat screen tv nearly as big as the wall it's mounted on, a coffee table made from a whole chunk of mahogany with a half-full tumbler, and a dead guy sitting in a chair with a gun in his hand and a hole in his head.
The TV still blares out the news, and the vic's own face flashes out at them.
"This the Ponzi scheme guy?" Gavin asks.
"Maverick Russell, age forty-seven." Nines shoves a finger inside the vic's mouth with no shame or preamble. "Blood alcohol level point-oh-nine-seven. The entry wound in his head appears to be consistent with a nine millimeter Beretta."
He takes a small packet out of his Cyberlife jacket pocket and somehow has the coordination to open it one-handed. Gavin wrinkles his nose at the antiseptic smell as Nines sanitizes both hands with the wipe, even though he only touched the vic with one finger. Then he lifts that same finger to the victim's head.
"Hey!" Gavin barks. "What have I told you about that shit?"
Nines stares back at him with that unblinking, lizard-eye look. He touches his finger to the entry wound but doesn't push it in. Just brushes it back and forth, which is somehow way freakier.
"The entry wound in his head is consistent with a nine millimeter Beretta," Nines says.
"Great."
Gavin walks a perimeter around the designated living room space. At first it's just to keep himself awake, but by the second circle, he's got one of those gut feelings. Something about this scene is off. Fuck if he can tell what though, 'cause the victim was drunk, watching his own demise on the news, and has a bullet in his head from the gun in his hand.
"You feel that?" He asks.
Nines cocks his head to the side. "The circulating air temperature is seventy--"
"No." Gavin huffs and starts on another circle. "Do you like … you feel what I’m feeling?"
"Your question is incomprehensible."
Gavin sighs and grinds the heels of his palms against his eyes. He bites back a comment about this being why androids can't make good cops. Fuck knows why he's bothering to be nice now. He just wants to get this shit done and go home.
When he opens his eyes, everything swirls with black spots in front of him. What's bugging him about this? The guy is dead, the gun is in his hand, the news says—
Gavin blinks the spots away and stands in front of the vic. Fake tan, but high enough quality that it'd look real if he didn't live in fucking Detroit. Decently fit, and the open kitchen on the other side of the room has one of those blenders that cost more than his car. The loft's decorated in masculine colors, all brown and navy and black leather.
"Go check out the kitchen," Gavin tells Nines. "Tell me what's in the fridge."
Nines does as he's told, but only after considering it. Gavin takes back the lizard comparisons. He's like a cat. One of those big jungle cats that's smart enough to eat the humans hunting them.
"Dannon Oikos triple blended greek nonfat yogurt, coffee, four pack, five-point-three ounce cups," Nines says. "Dannon Oikos trippled blended greek nonfat yogurt, peanut butter banana, four—"
Gavin rolls his eyes. "Just say yogurt. What else does he got?"
"Yogurt. Eggs. Milk. Sparkling water. Chicken breast. Mayonnaise. Sliced ham. Apples. Protein shakes." Nines opens the freezer. "Chicken breast. Chicken breast. Chicken breast. Chi—"
Gavin starts giggling. He can't help it. Nines turns around and glares at him, deliberately flashing his LED red for a second.
"OK, fuck off, it's late," he says. "I'm like, super tired. Just analyze that shit or whatever and tell me if his food matches any of the latest high protein fad diets."
"Yes," Nines replies so instantly Gavin wonders if he actually even looked it up at all. "The victim's food intake matches the Eight Step Enligh—"
Gavin waves him off. "Yeah, yeah. Cool. Does the bar have gin, vodka, and vermouth?"
Maverick Russell, definitely confirmed for one of those ultra-rich masculine gym types. Not like, an actual gym rat, just that generic rich person level of fitness achieved through liposuction, personal fitness trainers, and the latest fad diet.
"Yes, along with seven other distinct liqueurs." Nines finishes checking the bar and returns to the living room. "How is this information relevant, detective?"
"This drink and that gun don't match," Gavin says when Nines returns.
Nines cocks his head again. "Match."
"Yeah. I don't see any Bond memorabilia in here." Gavin takes another quick glance around, but the entertainment center doesn't display any vintage DVDs, and rich film buffs are not subtle about displaying their collections. "He ever purchased anything like that?"
Nines's LED spins yellow for about half a second this time before he replies. "No. There are no significant purchases of memorabilia relating to the James Bond books or movies present in Maverick Russell's finances."
"OK, then why the fuck does he have a Beretta?" Gavin asks.
Nines looks at the victim, and then back at him. "That is what he shot himself with."
"Yeah, but why," he stresses. "Would this guy—this self-obsessed, rich guy masc, desperate-to-be-cool motherfucker—have a Beretta?"
"It is the tool he used to complete suicide." Nines frowns. "Is there a reason he would not have a Beretta?"
"Because it's a ladies' handgun," Gavin says. "This guy's got three different TV remotes, a flat screen covering an entire wall, jesus, how old is that scotch?"
Nines sticks his finger in it, because of course he does. "One hundred and twenty-three years old, consistent with—"
"Shit, I would've thought this guy was trying too hard when I was twenty and desperate to be cis," Gavin mutters. "Look, I fucking promise you, this particular man literally wouldn't be caught dead with a Beretta—unless he's a James Bond fan. Even then … hey, Brayden!"
"His input is unnecessary, detective." Nines cleans his hands with another sanitary wipe. "If you would be more clear—"
His jaw shuts with a click as Brayden jogs over.
"Hey, you like the Bond movies?" Gavin asks.
Brayden heaves a tortured sigh. "I really prefer foreign movies, but for an American—"
"All right, sure. Would you ever kick it with a Beretta?"
Brayden bites the inside of his cheek, opens his mouth, then closes it with a frown as he thinks about it.
"What if you were like, a super fan?"
"Why?" Brayden glances around the loft with an interested look. "This guy have some collector's memorabilia?"
Gavin shakes his head. "Nah. But why else he's got a fucking Beretta?"
"Well that's not the drink for it," Brayden says immediately, then scoffs. "A scotch?"
"Yeah, and he had the shit to make a martini too."
"Weird. You thinking …" Brayden trails off, then winces. "Ah, shit. We uh, we got a guy a floor down. Said he heard the shot that, you know. But he said it was two bangs. And you know how shit witnesses are about getting anything right, and the TV was on and—"
"That's shit I need to know," Gavin snaps. "Doesn't matter how stupid you think it is, you're the first officer on the scene, you report every-fucking-thing to the responding detective."
"Yeah." Brayden clears his throat. "My bad."
Gavin lets it slide only because now he has something to go on. "Whatever. Check me on the precon for this, RK."
"Preconstruction running, detective."
"So we got two shots." Gavin backs up so he's approaching the living room from twenty feet away. "So we should have two guns. The perp, coming in here, gets shot 'cause the vic's only got the one entry wound, but—"
Nines touches the victim's hand, and then his cellphone buzzes.
The distribution of gunshot residue on Maverick Russell's right hand is not consistent with a Beretta. The gun he fired has a longer muzzle and larger caliber. My preliminary preconstruction matches it to a .500 S&W Magnum. The victim has four registered in his name.
Gavin closes his eyes and rubs the bridge of his nose. Would it fucking kill him to send that in five separate texts like a normal person? Now he's going to look dumb as fuck staring at the screen for five minutes trying to read one paragraph.
OK, he’s got the fifty caliber Magnum, that's easy to read. Longer muzzle, larger caliber, right.
"So the vic has a fifty caliber Magnum instead of a dinky Beretta, makes a lot more sense."
Nines doesn't correct him, so that must have been the gist of the message.
"The perp gets shot—"
"Where's the blood though?" Brayden asks.
Gavin glares at him. "Can you let me fucking work?"
Shit, he's doing it again and this is why no one wants to work with him because they fuck up--everyone fucks up, he knows this, he fucking knows this--and then he just can't let it go but why the hell does Brayden think he's allowed to speak right now when—
He's not in trouble. He's not in trouble, it's just the loft, being in another rich empty room again. None of them are children and he's not in trouble.
His cellphone buzzes.
The floor has been scrubbed clean throughout the loft. I did not realize that was relevant information. I will give you full reports of my analysis moving forward.
That's not too bad to read, and concentrating on making the letters stay still actually helps him cool off a bit for once. Gives him something to look at other than Brayden's pretty, hurt face or the perfect fucking interior design that still feels like when he was thirteen and—
Gavin shoves those memories aside and starts typing out a reply.
just text me that shit
I'll prolly yell if u try telling me about the floors at every crime scene
"Am I dismissed then?" Brayden asks.
Gavin looks up from his phone and can't force out any sort of apology. He never can. And anyway, fuck him. If Brayden wants to get pissy about getting snapped at twice after a legitimate fuck up and interrupting a senior detective mid-sentence, then sure. He can fuck right off.
"Go get the maid," Gavin tells him.
"The … android?" Brayden asks.
"No, the roomba. Yes, the fucking android maid. Someone scrubbed the floors clean."
And the side table.
Gavin doesn't bother with texting back this time. "That where the blood splatter would have hit?"
"Yes, detective," Nines answers out loud.
Gavin turns back to Brayden. "So there's your answer. Get the maid, 'cause I doubt the perp stuck around himself to clean the entire two-thousand square foot floor."
Brayden hesitates.
"She's still here," Gavin asks. "Right, Officer Burton?"
Brayden gives a curt nod, but he breaks into a run as he leaves.
AP700 #480 913 876 is located in the foyer of the building, along with Officers Miller and Abrahamson. I have sent alerts to their cellphones that the AP model is needed for questioning.
Gavin starts to ask how Nines knows that but … isn't this what he was literally designed to do?
"She's not a suspect yet," he says instead. "So cool it, Terminator. And don't hack peoples' phones. That's what the officers have walkie talkies for."
Nines makes a face like Gavin just suggested they all start using smoke signals. He's not exactly the type to go all buddy-buddy on witnesses himself, but they're definitely not going to get anywhere with Nines scaring the thirium out of their one lead.
Gavin takes a moment to wallow in how much he hates this before he calls Hank. At least if he has to be up before dawn, so will that motherfucker.
"We do not need assistance from Lieutenant Anderson," Nines says, his expression souring even further. "Or my predecessor. I recognize that I did not meet the necessary level of efficiency when I neglected to—"
"Hey, this isn't a punishment," Gavin says, tilting the phone down away from his mouth. "I fucking hate Connor too, and when we have an android suspect, I get that's your thing. But right now we have an android witness, and that's his."
"Ahh, fuck," Hank's voice comes out of the phone. "Sun's not even fucking—goddammit, Reed."
"We will be at your location in twenty minutes, Detective Reed," Connor's voice says next.
Gavin stares out into space as what's left of his soul collapses in on itself at the confirmation that those two really are fucking. Not even just fucking, they're sleeping together. In bed, for literal sleep.
"Nines, tell them they're disgusting," Gavin orders. "You can put way more hate into it than me."
"Disgusting," Nines says with a sneer that would put Gavin's mother to shame.
Gavin hangs up before Hank can reply. "I know you lack the capacity and all that shit, but if it makes you not-feel any better, I bet you five bucks the perp's android."
"Based off of what evidence?" Nines asks.
"Took a bullet and kept going." Gavin steps back into place where the perp probably walked in. "He's got the Beretta, but it's just a gun to him. He grabs the vic's gun, maybe disarms him, maybe doesn't even have to after the first shot."
"The blood vessels on the victim's wrist have not been damaged." Nines starts cleaning his hands again even though he hasn't even touched anything this time. "Why would the human stop shooting?"
"TV's on, he's drinking, has a gun out already." Gavin shrugs. "Might have been a suicide interrupted by a murder. Might've fired the first shot just being scared, y'know, gut instinct."
Nines just looks at him.
"Or you don't know, whatever." Gavin rolls his eyes. "But once he realizes what's happening—maybe he couldn't pull the trigger himself, but now here's someone gonna do it for him. Maybe he just sits back down. That still work with your preconstruction?"
"Yes," Nines says. "Along with two thousand, one hundred and fifty-eight other scenarios."
"Whatever. And just like, for the record, don't ask Hank about how this suicidal shit works," Gavin tells him. "Hank might not care, but those are fighting words with Connor."
Nines doesn't move a single centimeter as he stares silently at him.
"And don't fucking fight with Connor, we don't have time for it. Anyway, if anyone gets to pick a fight at a murder scene, it's me. So." Gavin walks up to the chair with his hand pointed like a gun. "The perp gets him back down, shoots him in the side of the head, then switches the guns so the ballistics will match."
"He could have taken the victim's gun." Nines's LED spins a few yellow cycles. "It is registered in his name. The suicide would have looked more authentic."
"And that's why I'm thinking our guy's an android," Gavin replies. "Someone who hasn't ever seen a movie before in his whole life. Thinks a gun is a gun is a gun. I mean, you didn't know why the Beretta was weird, and if you made A Plan to kill a guy with this gun, would you switch it up in the middle?"
Nines's LED immediately hits blue, but it's that fake-blue that means he's really covering up a red. Gavin almost kind of … has a feeling about it?
But then the elevator doors open with Brayden and the android maid inside. Gavin's got a burned bridge, a possible eye witness, and an a murder to deal with. Worrying about his partner's not-feelings will have to wait.
***
***
1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21 / 22 / 23 / 24 / 25 / 26 / 27 / 28 / 29 / 30 / 31 / 32 / 33
This fic is also available on my Patreon! $1 tier gets you each chapter a week early, so you could be reading chapter two right now~
$2 tier gets you deleted scenes and bonus content--this week, it’s extra scenes about how Nines was found at Cyberlife and how he gets his first apartment
$3 tier gets you access to the first chapters of two new AUs I’m currently writing--an A/B/O universe in which Gavin is a bitter omega and Nines is his android partner determined to help him during his heat; and a Reverse AU where GV200 “Gavin” is assigned as Detective Richard Stern’s sobriety companion
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