#i just don't know how to manage. my low self esteem anymore
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Sanji - loving his s/o with self esteem issues
this is part of the request for a headcanon from @zephyrian-journ it turned into a whole story, whoops i hope it's okay!
Sanji x fem!reader who has problems with her body, I can only write from my perspective so keep that in mind!
Mention of stress response, insecurity with one's own body, mention of restricting
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Sanji expresses his love through food and service, he is just like that. So when you stop eating his creations and request only the plainest, low caloric options he is starting to feel really anxious. When you refuse to be touched and hide your body from the world he starts to panic. When you become absent minded and cautious, when you retreat and keep to yourself - he has a full breakdown.
He waits until you are alone and approaches you with an uncomfortable expression.
"So, what's wrong?" He asks, avoiding your gaze.
"What do you mean?" You ask back.
"You're kind of distant lately and...did I do something wrong?" The gaze of his blue eyes is locked on his shoes, his graceful fingers are fumbling nervously, he looks like a boy that has done something seriously wrong.
"No, not at all" you try to look into his eyes, but he turns away.
"I understand." He runs away. When you catch his arm and he turns around, tears are already flowing from his face. "I understand, I am not good enough for you anymore, I won't bother you anymore with my presence" the end of his sentence is hardly understandable, since he is sobbing loudly now, sinking to his knees. "You don't love me anymore, I am not good enough" he cries as he dramatically hugs your knees.
"Shh, don't cry babe, I love you more than anything, you know that" you tell him as you soothingly stroke his hair and kiss the tears away. "Why would you think that I don't love you anymore? You're the best thing that ever happened to me" you tell him as he looks up at you with puppy eyes, pressing his cheek against your chest.
"You're not eating my cakes anymore, you don't let me touch you, we're not bathing together anymore...it's like you don't want to be with me anymoooooooooooooore" the last word transitions into a long, whiny sob and he cries like a waterfall again.
"It's got nothing to do with you!" You explain to him. "You're perfect, you know that. It's me."
He blinks tears out of his eyes and looks at you. "THAN WHYYYYYYY" he helplessly gestures with his hands as he's crying out his question.
"...I gained weight. I don't fit into my jeans anymore. I just...I feel like a whale. I don't feel comfortable right now. I didn't want you to notice until I lost it again. Which doesn't seem to be working. And I was never thin to begin with..." your voice breaks as you struggle to express all you are feeling. "I just didn't want to disappoint you." Now you have tears in your eyes, avoiding his puzzled look.
"What?" He gets up and holds your shoulders. "How would you disappoint me?" He tries to catch your gaze but you are avoiding him.
"You like pretty women. I don't even know what you see in me, and now it's gotten worse. I just didn't want you to notice"
It is harder to say than you thought and now you're sobbing. Suddenly you're pressed against his chest, the soft fabric of Sanjis suit is catching your tears.
"I was so stupid and superficial I even manage to hurt you now with it! I'm so sorry! I didn't know what I even could expect from a relationship. I just know that you are unique and perfect and that I feel as safe with you as never before. I like your body because it is yours, and I want to see it grow old together with mine." he lifts your chin up and looks into your eyes. He looks dead serious now, despite his reddened and puffy eyes.
"Please forgive me!" He pleads. "I don't want you to feel unwanted! What can I do?"
"I don't know..." you say.
He nods, tears and snot running down his face.
"I'll find a way!" He promises.
For the next days, he's serious and quiet. Every time you talk, he tells you how much he loves you, but things between you seem tense. He also seems to do a lot more stuff for Nami than usual - carrying stuff for her, bringing her more treats, constantly asking what he could do. All in all, a strange situation. Tension builds and you are even more insecure about him than before, painfully aware that he was into Nami way before you two met.
So when you see them vanish in Nami's room, you cannot help but get a bad feeling. When they don't come out for quite a while, you decide to have a look. Nothing unusual to just knock and see what they're up to.
You knock - no answer. You try the handle, it's open. You enter and see them standing in the room, heads together. It's hard to see exactly what's happening there, but Sanji immediately jumps up, looking guilty.
"Y/n! What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to see this!" He shouts angrily. He has never used this kind of tone with you. After the last days, it's enough. You turn on your heel and try to get away before anyone is seeing you cry.
You're already halfway across the ship when you hear him behind you: "wait, It's not what it looks like!"
He quickly catches up and blocks your way.
"It wasn't supposed to go like this, don't cry" he says, but you're already crying.
"Leave me alone" you tell him.
"No, I'll never leave alone again" he says, his voice suddenly quiet and soft. Through the veil of your tears, you see him go down on one knee.
"I'll never leave you, because I want you to become my wife!" He's shouting, for everyone to hear, as he holds up a golden ring encrusted with diamonds.
"I got this ring from Nami's treasure, I hope you like it. If not I'll get another one!" He looks at you, awaiting your answer.
This was the last thing you expected. The two of you never talked about marriage.
"What?" You ask, overwhelmed by everything.
"I want to share everything with you for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with you! I want to become better for you all the time. I want you to become my family, because I love you so much! I told you I will find a way to show you how much you mean to me. This is it. Please marry me!"
For a painful second, you hesitate and his lower lip already begins to tremble. You hold out your hand and let him slip the ring on your finger. He kisses your hand and holds it against his cheek. You can feel a tear running down his face.
"You make me so happy" he cries. "Let's be a family!"
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Soooo....this one took me *checks date* forever, I am so sorry! I will be working through my drafts and requests as I have a bit more time now! Hope you liked it :D
#one piece fanfiction#one piece x you#one piece sanji#op sanji#sanji#sanji x y/n#vinsmoke sanji#sanji x reader#sanji x you#chubby reader#fat reader#black leg sanji#blackleg sanji#vinsmoke sanji x reader#op sanji fluff#sanji fluff#fluff#one piece#the fluff piece
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my rant
tw: talks about weight increase, low self-esteem, moderate anxiety, procrastinating tendencies. this is also extremely long.
i just really need to talk/vent about it.
the worst part about being a "casual" gamer is, you never know when you might get addicted with it. i play genshin and CoD, while cod doesn't interest me as much anymore and i only ever played genshin for like twice a month but recently- genshin has been taking over lol, i played 3 hours of genshin alone yesterday and mind you- i've already finished all the archon (main) quests and i'm still playing it!!! (this is called procrastination)
and this is not just limited to computer games no, i once was obsessed with aerobics gymnastics and was practising it all around my house (before corona struck and i physically became unable to do many tricks cue *decreasing flexibility/strength/stamina and everything after i got sick. after aerobics, my hyper-fixation was basketball and i would play it for around 2-3 hours everyday, my body slowly started getting better and my love for sports and gym was ignited again but then i entered into the senior year of my school and i had to inevitably focus more on my studies because i still can't see myself being an athlete/sportsperson even though i really love sports.
now, i was a science major in my high-school (my core were - phy, chem and bio) and i had always been a hardworker but i started getting burnt out, the more i strayed away from staying active and being fit, the more of couch potato i became. i somehow started studying nicely again, but got corona in sept.2022 and was on bedrest for two weeks, my schedule was a mess again. during that time, it were only my high-school extracurriculars (anchoring, debating, basketball, student council) which were keeping me happy along with a few friends (who in future became insecure of everything i was doing and shut me off by calling me "fake", that shit hurt.) and because i had missed 2 weeks of school and was already behind the syllabus by myself because of improper time management, so i developed anxiety- i only realised this after i had a mental breakdown in school for 2 minutes which i wasn't able to control instantly. (my anxiety is moderate and i don't need any medicines for it- i just need to keep my schedule productive and avoid procrastination.) i realised that i was quite behind and that i needed to do something so i did, i shut myself off and studied for 3 months without any outside exposure or anything- but that made me gain weight, from a 54kg 5'7 girl, i went on to a 68kg and because i got sick just immediately after, my weight increased to 70kgs. now, don't get me wrong- i love my body, i still like the way i look but, i don't feel healthy and i don't think you can understand how nerve-wrecking it is for a person who could run 5km without a worry pant after 500m. it was really... and i mean really heart-braking, more than my weight gain, it was my inability to do anything which made me more and more insecure about myself.
my anxiety, my newly acquired low self-esteem were adding fuel to my already procrastinating tendencies.
now. that is the main issues- i am a procrastinator, and for some reason i'm unable to fully get out of it and i get even more anxious when my days are going unproductive which they are!
i didn't score bad in my high-school finals, my scores of normal college entrance exams were good enough to fetch me into a top 3 college of our nation for b.sc but- i didn't want that. even though all my other exams went well, i seriously fucked up my medical entrance examination. i thought to take a drop year but im seriosuly scared because i don't think i did anything fruitful this year and i just feel like i wasted an year of my life and my main exams are in 4 months and im really really getting stressed out because the selection rate is only the top 1-2% among 2 million applicants, talk about competition lmao.
see, i am aware that i can do it, i don't know if it is arrogance or optimism but i know that if i really do give it all- my blood, sweat and tears and everything- i know that i'll do better, i will be able to score enough to get a medical college- but the thing is, i feel like i am scared to start and i don't want to be.
i want to- i need to work hard to better than my present-self, i need to work out to get my stamina, strength and flexibility back. and even if i fail- i atleast worked hard, i just don't want to regret anything which i am doing, i need to get out of this slump and i need to convince myself to get up and atleast try everyday. because i seriously seriously think that regret is probably the worst emotion you could feel and i don't want to spend my life regretting my decisions.
i just- had to get it off my chest lol. thankyou for reading this all.
i promise you, i'll be a great doctor one day and will clear this exam with every courage i am able to muster.
i guess... that is all? have a nice day and take care of yourself!
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This song makes me think of Genos, Saitama and King in that specific order
YOU KNOW WHAT
IF YOU PUT THEM IN ANY ORDER IT WOULD WORK
Each of them have their own reasons for being all of the three.
The Soldier
Genos - The man is a fuckin' martyr. His persistence, he fights for justice, he holds a power often underestimated. He fights for the world, he fights for himself, and he fights for the people he loves.
Saitama - In a literal, physical sense, I don't need to explain it. He's a powerful hero undeniably. However, in the non-physical sense, he's a true soldier. He powers through mental hardships like a tank, and even if it isn't the easiest thing in the world, people will feel the impact of when it hits him, when he confronts it, and when he defeats it.
King - He's very powerful in the way of influence, and he's a good representation of strength in presence (given his effect on Saitama's way of perceiving things and his general affect on people who admire him. His popularity).
The Poet
Genos - Of course, Genos is a very strong poet. The way he carries his words, how much he speaks, the long-term impact of the praise he sings. My man knows how to talk in a way that brings everyone's attention on him.
Saitama - Like his fighting style, his words hit hard and permanently, though he himself doesn't believe it. He has Genos wrapped around his finger, teaches him without even meaning to (which does happen, even if what he says half the time is half-assed. It still indirectly teaches Genos something the cyborg himself finds meaning/value in). He inspired King to no longer fake being a hero but actively persue being one at heart, believe it or not (we all saw the way he stared at Sai in awe when he realized he was, and the way he gawked when Saitama told him to work at being a hero if he really wanted to be/call himself one). He shone a light to Fubuki's toxic, damaging, and self-absorbed way of thinking, her way of perceiving strength as a way of determining worth (self or otherwise). Whether his self-esteem is low or he's just humble, there's no denying his influence on people.
King - Similar to Saitama, he does impact people with his words. Specifically Saitama. As I said before, he changes the way he perceives things, situations and people. Not only that, but his words are such a comfort as well. He's very real and relatable, and he does provide moral support. (I would give examples, but the pages escape me. I just know that it happens without being directly said)
The King
Genos - He has Saitama wrapped around his finger, whether he knows that or not. Majority of us have read chapters 165-170. And isn't that just like ruling the world?
Saitama - Saitama is an undefeatable force to be reckoned with. There's only one way to get to him, and even then, it might just mean the universe's demise. He, even if he doesn't realizes, can shape the entirety of the world and more—just as much as he is in charge of carrying its safety on his back. He can destroy it and he can protect it, like a King to his kingdom.
King - He has a responsibility: to carry not only the image of someone people, especially the few he's close with, can look towards, but he also needs to manage himself. He needs to be able to handle himself, his goals, and the people around him. He's not really allowed to lock himself away and pretend he's doing a million things like he used to anymore. Not with people like Saitama emotionally relying on him. And he needs to work towards actually doing things if he wants to be a hero.
You probably didn't expect this long as post lmao but I couldn't help myself.
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Is my first post of the year a character sheet for my OC Julieta? Yes.
Not like I care since I've wanted to do this thing for a while.
Anyways, I'll be putting more info about here below and under the cut.
Julieta does like pokemon battles, in fact she has the potential of being great trainer, but she sometimes has doubts about her skills.
The reasons why her and her mom moved to Paldea were the death of her father 9 years ago and the fact Julieta isolated herself after his passing which means she was having a harder time making new friends as she grew up (and she didn't exactly had many friends before the incident). Also, the two just weren't happy living in Galar anymore ever since Julieta's dad passed away.
Yes, Julieta does speak Galarian and Paldean (English and Spanish). Before moving to Paldea, her mother was teaching her the language so she wouldn't have any complications in the future.
Julieta is usually a calm and kind person, but if you make her really angry she won't hesitate to throw some hands and resort to violence. (She was so close to kicking Arven's ass on their first meeting at the lighthouse because he was being a big jerk).
Can be emotional person at times. Don't watch sad movies with her unless you're prepared to comfort her cause she will be crying for an hour.
Ironically, when her father passed away she did her best to hide her emotions and it eventually became a skill of hers (not a really good skill to have tbh, but hey at least she learns in the future that she doesn't need to pretend she's fine or keep everything to herself 👍).
She loves reading and is a big history nerd. So you bet Ms. Raifort's class is among her favorites.
Her second favorite class is Art class.
Mr. Hassel is her favorite teacher of the academy.
Her cooking skills don't exist, she's just incredibly bad at it. Arven sometimes wonders how the heck she's managed to survived so far. (She can cook very few things that aren't extremely complex though).
Even if she can't cook, she loves food. So expect her to make a stop at the restaurants of each town she visits.
Can be very protective of the people she cares about.
She's had some crushes in the past before and they rarely lasted long or just never got anywhere (poor girl was always afraid to confess due to fear of rejection, and her lack of confidence and probably low self-esteem doesn't help her case), so when this girl realizes she's in love she's going to panic and will not know what to fucking do about it.
Remember the whole thing of her isolating from other people after her dad died being the reason she had a hard time making friends? WELL THAT WAS A LIE. The main reason of her lack of friends was that she was being bullied for her looks and for being a bit of a history nerd. And no, her mother doesn't know about this, the last thing Julieta wanted was to worry her mom.
Speaking of bullying: this is also the reason she has/had low self-esteem and little confidence in herself. (This doesn't mean she won't kick your ass if you make her angry or hurt her friends though).
Don't worry, nowadays her lack of confidence ain't that bad and her self esteem isn't on the floor (thanks to her godmother's encouragement and kind words). But she's still working on it, so every once in a while she has some self-doubts.
She LOVES to dance, it was actually one of her hobbies and it still is, she even dreamed of performing in front of a huge crowd of people. Unfortunately that wish dies down after her dad's passing, she just didn't wanted to fulfill her dream knowing her father wouldn't be there to see it. But she still keeps dancing, mostly in private and when no one is around, let's just say she's become a bit shy about it as the years went by.
#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon oc#scarlet and violet#pkmn#pokemon violet#the keep reading thing better work out#cause this thing is long as hell#julieta
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ED TRIGGER ED TRIGGER ED TRIGGER
So I've gained a decent amount of weight (don't know how much exactly because I never go on scales anymore but I'm desperate to go on one right now) and I've known this because not only do I really look it but also some pants fit tight around my waist when they used to fall to my hips and I get fatigued very easily. I've been mostly alright, as long as I can just wear comfy loose clothes I'm ok, but tomorrow I have to wear formal attire to school and even though I feel physically comfortable in both suit options I look at myself and feel anxious because it's evident all the weight I've gained and I don't feel good and the ED starts to act and I'm sad and anxious and the desperation to loose weight is so so strong. Like I'm already thinking "starve yourself and workout don't you see the graveness of the situation?" And I'm really down. On the one hand, I've been concerned for my health for months now, and just this last few weeks I've been starting to work out again (very little and slowly because I'm not in condition to do more) so I've been worried that I get fatigued and I was so close to being overweight, and I was handling the anxiety and thoughts about being skinny or fat, and taking care of my health had been making me feel happy and excited, but on the other hand I'm not able to manage the ED as well lately, and I know it's not full-blown because I'm not starving myself or anything but it's just so so constant, it's bringing me down almost every day, and now it's not just the ED but general low self-esteem related things. Jesus help me
#Personal#ED#Trigger#eating disoder trigger warning#Trigger warning#ed trigger warning#eating disorder#eating disorders#eating restrictions#eating issues
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Feeling kind of low today, so self pity blogging ahead.
Starting positively, there are so many good people in my life. I'm fortunate to have the friends I have and the support network I have.
But, not to sound like a high school cliche, I'm so sick of fakes, flakes, and users. Both romantically and in friendships, I'm sick of people that just want me around when it's convenient for them and discard me.
I have one friend I'm trying to... slowly distance myself from because their energy is constantly draining. They are always at like 90% anger capacity over absolutely nothing. I understand emotional regulation can be hard, but they don't want to change or hear they're wrong, ever. If they're in the wrong, they change their story. Also, this person actively talks trash about me, and has lied multiple times to try to get extra money out of me. I'm not a tit-for-tat kind of person with money, but the lying part really pisses me off. I should probably just tell them what I think and cut them out, but they're not always a bad person and I just don't have the energy for the fallout.
I have another friend, or something, that I met on a dating app. She wanted to keep things casual, which was fine, but actually acted very clingy towards me until she found someone she actually wanted to commit to, and since then it's been almost radio silence. For someone that said she didn't want a relationship with me because she didn't want to fuck up having me in her life, she was so quick to discard my friendship. Like, we're not /not/ friends, but now she's able to disengage. I haven't tried to push it into anything more than friendship since she established that boundary.
And now I have this girl that I matched with 2 months ago that messaged me out of the blue on Friday. She's cute so I chatted with her a ton this weekend, but I can already see the red flags I learned from my last relationship. I show someone basic kindness and human decency and they think I'm like, this magical love of their life. Until they get used to me. Full disclosure that I used to honestly be a bit manipulative about this. I thought I could get people to stay if they just remembered how nice I am.
And I do still value being nice, obviously. But I want someone to like me for me. I don't want someone to stay for the kindness, or my attention, or the sex. I want them to care about the entire person behind that.
Idk. Similarities she has to my last girlfriend just really freaked me out. Because last November, I really, really got my heart shattered. I had better tools to manage it than I ever had in the past, and I didn't come out of it hating myself like I had in the past, and I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud that I don't base my entire sense of self around who loves or doesn't love me anymore, but it still does hurt. I touched on this a little last night, but I wish people wouldn't throw around the forevers and "you're different" crap. I wish people could see themselves falling into the same cycles. I'm trying to break mine. I won't let people promise me forever, especially not quickly. I won't let people say I'm perfect. Not because I have low self esteem, but because it's not true. And if you think your partner is perfect, you're looking at them through rose colored glasses that are going to hurt you both.
Not even about that though, I'm just sick of people only reaching out when they're bored or lonely or whatever. I know people can't be there for me 24/7, and I don't expect them to. But I'm tired of one sided friendships. I feel crummy and bitter today over something stupid that I saw. I think I'm also just sleep deprived and it's affecting my mood.
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Sorry for being late - Seungmin
-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-
description: It's late at night when Seungmin comes home drunk. Without really wanting it you get mad and you two fight. The next morning you drive to the dorm and talk with Seungmin.
pairings: Kim Seungmin x gnreader
genre: light angst, happy ending, fight, boyfriend Seungmin
word count: 1.7k
warnings: angst, fight, alcohol, low self-esteem
You can find more of my stories under Stray Kids Masterlist
-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-
You look at your clock again. The time didn’t change that much but it's still late. Past midnight and Seungmin is still not home. Even though he told you the filming wouldn’t take past 10 p.m.
You let out a little sigh and try to focus on the movie you are watching right now. You are failing but you still try. It’s better than doing nothing and letting your thoughts go wild.
Half an hour later you can hear how someone lets himself into your small flat. Slowly you stand up, your blanket wrapped around you and walk towards your door.
Seungmin leans against your door, trying to get his shoes off. He looks up as he hears your steps.
"Sorry for being so late", he mumbles, falling over his own words. He is not looking you in the eyes.
"What took you so long?", you ask, holding your anger back.
"We ate together after filming", he explains.
"And you didn't think it would be nice to send me a message? I thought something happened to you."
He closes the distance between you.
"I'm really sorry." He attempts to hug you but you stop him, as you smell alcohol.
"Are you drunk?" He laughs like it's a joke but you see the panic in his eyes. "And don't try to lie to me."
"Someone mixed up the bottles and I didn't notice it until the bottle was empty."
"How can't you taste it, Seungmin?", you ask and shake your head.
"It didn't taste like alcohol." He lets out a loud sigh. "Why are you even mad about that? It was just one bottle and I'm not a child anymore."
"But sometimes you act like one. You can't drink things that other people give you. How can you be so careless?"
You know that you aren't acting nicely but you are tired and worried about him. Sometimes he forgets that he is now an idol and not the 17 year old boy anymore.
"I will go back to the dorm. Why should I stay here when all I get are reproaches?" You watch him silently as he puts his shoes on again. For a second he stops in his movement as he is waiting for you to stop him but you don't have the energy.
After a few seconds he nods and grabs the door handle.
"Text me when you are at the dorm", you manage to whisper before he closes the door behind him. You let out a sigh and walk into your bedroom.
You hate yourself for making such a drama out of nothing. Why did you even do it? Why did you have to get angry and hurt Seungmin and yourself? You let out a scream into your pillow. You haven't been so stupid in a long time.
The next morning you stand up early. Even earlier than usual. Have you slept? No, not all. Why? Because your brain thought it would be nice to take an overthinking session.
You let out a little smile and pour yourself a cup of black coffee.
You scroll through your phone when you see that Hyunjin is already awake and online. For a minute you hesitate but then call him.
"Morning", you hear him mutter.
"Hi Jinnie", you answer. "Are you mad at me?"
"Seungmin didn't tell us anything when he came back. We were all surprised but thought that maybe you two had a little fight because he looked quite upset", he tells you without needing to ask what you were talking about.
"I was tired, he was drunk and I got mad without a real reason. It was not really a fight but also not nothing." Normally you aren't the type of person that tells other people about your relationship problems. Not even your best friends but the words leave your mouth faster than you can really think about it.
"And what do you want to do now?", you hear Jinnie asking.
"I don't know… I really want to talk about it because I feel bad and I just want him back in my arms."
"Well then isn't it obvious what you have to do next?" It takes you a second to understand but then you nod.
"I'm coming. I will make a stop at McDonald's. Should I bring breakfast for you all?"
"I swear, would I be your boyfriend, I couldn't resist cheating on my diet every day", he laughs and you start to smile.
"I will buy you an americano and some fruits, is that alright? For the others I already know what to buy", you say.
"You are the best. Thank you."
"I will be there in half an hour or so."
"Hurry. I need my americano." You can't hold your laugh back. He is such a cutie.
"I will take my time. Actually I need to wash my hair first", you tell him. "Stop pouting." Now it's him that starts to laugh.
"You know me too well."
"Maybe… see you soon, Jinnie."
"Bye." You two hang up and you stand up, getting ready.
A few minutes later you walk out of your flat and towards your car. You let out a little sigh as you sit down inside and start your car. You don't turn the radio on. All you want is silence before you talk to Seungmin. You stop at McDonald's and buy way too much but then again you know how much the boys could eat.
Ten minutes later you are standing in front of their dorm. You unlock the door and let yourself in. Silence greets you. Slowly you walk into the kitchen seeing Hyunjin sitting at the table.
"I'm quite surprised that you are up already", you say and start to smile when Hyunjin jumps.
"Gosh you didn't make any sounds. You scared me", he tells you with a shaking voice. You place the iced americano in front of him.
"I'm sorry, Jinnie."
"You are forgiven." Carefully you place the rest of the food on the table.
Then you turn and start walking towards one of the doors. You let yourself in. The two boys are still sleeping. Slowly you walk towards Minho and pad his shoulder.
"Minho, wake up. Minho", you whisper. After a few seconds he opens his eyes. Fighting against the desire to close them again.
"What are you doing here?", he asks as he sits up a bit and goes through his hair.
"I want to talk to Seungmin about yesterday. Could you please let us two alone?" For a second he looks at you confused like he did not understand you. "I also bought breakfast for all of you." He starts to smile lightly.
"You are too good to us", he mumbles while getting out of his bed.
"What did you say?", teasing him for saying something nice to you. It's not like he is mean towards you. You two just like to tease each other.
"I will not repeat what I said. See you later." With these words he is out of the bedroom.
You breathe out and slowly walk towards Seungmins bed. He is still sleeping. You can feel your eyes watering up. He looks so innocent and soft when he sleeps. So much younger.
Carefully you lay down next to him and wrap your arm around his upper body. He lets out a little sigh and slowly opens his eyes.
"What are you doing here?" His eyes still half closed he goes through his hair.
"I wanted to talk about yesterday", you explain waiting for his reaction.
"Alright." You take a deep breath.
"Minnie I'm sorry for how i reacted yesterday", you start off. "And I understand why you left."
"I would like to know why you reacted that way. I didn't understand that yesterday", he whispers.
"I was tired. I know that's no excuse but… My day was kinda shitty. I messed up at work and all I wanted was time with you."
"I know that you are busy right now but I wished you could have written me a message."
"I'm sorry I forgot. I promise I will try my best to text you should something similar happen again." You start to smile and rub his back softly.
"Thank you Minnie. That means a lot to me." Slowly he brings his free arm up and hugs you back.
"About the alcohol…", he starts but you shake your head.
"You can drink whatever you want. You are a grown up. I think I needed something to be angry about. I'm sorry."
"But you were kinda right. I should have tasted the alcohol. I will be more careful in the future."
"You know, I love you", you whisper and give him a little squeeze. He starts to giggle.
"Where did that come from?" You let out a sigh and bite your upper lip.
"I… Well, sometimes I think I don't deserve you. Sometimes I can get angry without a real reason. I really hate that because it reminds me of my father…." Seungmin stays silent because he knows you have not finished yet. "Sometimes I think I don't deserve you because you always try to talk in a calm way with me even when you are angry or disagree with what I said. I really love that about you."
"First of all, I think we deserve each other. But to be honest there are times where I think I don't deserve you. Because you are the best partner I could have. Please don't forget that."
"That was way too cute. I think I'm gonna throw up", you joke, making Seungmin laugh out loud.
"I love you too."
You give him a little smile before giving him a soft kiss on his forehead. When you pull back he looks at you pouting.
"What?"
"That was very sweet but can I have a kiss on my lips?" He asks, getting all shy and redding up.
"Naww who is getting all shy?", you tease him a little but before he can say anything. You close the distance between you two and give him a kiss on the lips. He lets out a little sigh and hugs you tighter.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Seungmin."
-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-♡-
#skz#stray kids#kpop#skz x reader#seungmin#kim seungmin#seungmin x reader#seungmin x you#hyunjin#lee know#seungmin x gnreader#light angst#angst with happy ending#skz x reader fluff
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Hi, could I maybe request Leona with a gn s/o who usually doesn't care about their looks, but is actually very insecure sometimes? And it gets to the point that they don't even want to look in a mirror anymore? Its okay if you don't wanna write this if it makes you uncomfortable, but anyways, I hope your doing well and taking care of yourself!
prom dress
leona kingscholar
semi-imagine
fluff
gender neutral reader
note: aaa this is my first request! and i hope you’re doing aight too!
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
“Affecting others is the last thing I would do
I keep to myself though I want to break through”
you’ve been dating leona for about 2-3 weeks now. things have been going steady. a few minor bumps in the road here and there- one of them being your insecurities. normally, you wouldn’t have a problem with your looks and would carry on with your day. but ever since you started dating leona, people have been skeptical about you.
how did you, a mere human with no magic who accidentally entered night raven college, manage to get leona to date you? it was a question that has crossed your mind multiple times. why would he date someone as weak as you? why did he bother putting up with you?
the voices of people who have bullied you without leona knowing echoed in your head. the main insult they always used were your looks, which was absolutely irrelevant. you have done nothing to them, not once interacted with them, not once looked in their direction. yet here they are, nitpicking on the way you talk, walk, and look. it was never ending. you were growing tired of it.
every time you saw yourself in the mirror, that once beaming confidence had shattered into bits and pieces. sleepless nights due to you questioning if leona even loved you. you wanted it to stop. leona noticed that you would tear up once you saw your reflection. it was weird. the reason why he liked you was because you were confident. he didn’t think any of it at first, but soon noticed you being too harsh on yourself and forcing yourself to work hard. why did you do this? it was to make up for the insults about your looks.
you wanted the harassment to stop. having been fed up with what’s been going on, you decided to tell leona at the school dance. the students wouldn’t bother you in a crowd but would subtly try to shatter your already low self-esteem. music echoed monstro lounge, people were chattering amongst themselves and it was alright so far.
“y/n! funny seeing you here without leona,” ace chuckled. you smiled, “speaking of leona, have you seen him around?” ace thought for a moment before shaking his head “no.” you let out a tired sigh before thanking him and walking to the buffet area and sadly looking at the food. you wondered if you should get some food for leona and give it to him as soon as he arrived. smiling at the thought of your boyfriend, you happily grabbed some sandwiches and walking to the entrance before bumping into someone who, unfortunately, held some punch. the sticky drink splashed to your face as the culprit snickered.
“we told you we wouldn’t stop until you break bit by bit,” he whispered before walking over to his circle of friends. you held back the tears and sucked it up. where was leona? you wanted to see him now. to be comforted by him. to be held in his arms as he tells you it’s going to be alright. the thought of him made your eyes well up. you dropped the sandwiches and looked around for a certain chocolate brown haired male as you wiped the punch off of your face with your sleeves.
“he never came...” although to most people, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. they all knew leona was lazy and wouldn’t even bother attending classes so why would he attend the school dance? but to you? to you it mattered more than anything. he said he would see you and listen to you ramble about whatever problem on your mind. he said he would be there.
he stood you up.
you broke down in tears while running towards the hall of mirrors and leaving the octavinelle dorm. without thinking, your legs took you to the first place where you first met leona: the botanical garden.
sniffles were heard by leona from a mile away. he knew those sobs all too well and woke up from his nap. he was surprised, to say the least, to see you crying with pink punch stained on your polo and your face. realization hit him like a ton of bricks once he noticed your attire. it was formal. you just came back from monstro lounge.
“y/n,” you flinched once you heard that familiar, bed voice. turning around, your eyes met leona’s summer green ones. tears welled up in your eyes once again as you rushed towards him and hugged him tightly. this took the lion aback but he hugged you back soon after.
a few minutes of calming down you had told him everything. how you were harassed, how you were insulted. it has been going on for weeks and leona felt bad for not noticing it sooner. he noticed how you would come back with scrapes and wounds but thought you were just being clumsy again. “i’ll teach those damn herbivores a lesson,” he growled before you played with his hair. it always calmed you down, for some odd reason.
“can we stay like this for now? please...” you whispered. leona looked at you from over his shoulder before sighing and agreeing. he just wanted to make you as happy as possible.
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
a/n: uh that was my first request and my first fluff omg im not good at fluff i hate it here
#leona kingscholar#leona kingscholar x reader#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#leona x reader#gender neutral imagine#gender neutral s/o#tws#twst imagines#twst fanfic#fluff
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@thismoleculeisacomedian
wait what is your opinion? Do you think he hated himself for being gay? (I disagree w/ that viewpoint, but would like to understand what it is & where it comes from.)
I definitely don't think Thomas hates himself for being gay — at any point in the series. I also don't think he ever moves away, internally, from "I am not the same as you, but I am not foul". I have seen people say that what happens in S5 is an indication of that and I completely disagree.
However.
I do think Thomas has low self-esteem for essentially the duration of the series, and I think he experiences self-hatred that is complicated by the fact that he is gay, surrounded by homophobia, and almost certainly a victim of complex trauma (also related to homophobia).
Thomas is confident in one thing over the course of the entire series, and this is his exceptional competence at work. He recognizes his own worth and takes pride in his actual value, which I think he actually sees very objectively. (Facebook moms, etc, do not agree with me here.) Wherever possible he makes himself indispensable, and it is in my opinion literally something he clings to as a reason to live.
(I also think he cares deeply about and, until S2/S3, has confidence in, his physical appearance. But that is a different piece.)
One of his most basic psychological needs is to be needed, and as part of this, to be contributing to something larger than him and to be essential to its functioning.
Literally in the very first episode of the entire series, we see that he is recognizing he may not have a place at Downton at all, and if he does, it isn't a place where he is valued and appreciated. This is a psychological threat—time and time again after this, we see him start to lose his head at the idea of instability.
How does he react?
By trying to make himself necessary elsewhere.
The amount of birds he is trying to get with one stone—
Give something that is necessary & desired to a man he loves
Resolve an issue at his workplace (I don't think he thought about this much but I do think it would have crossed his mind)
Escape a place he is not valued
Move upward in his current social hierarchy (domestic service)
To a job he is skilled at and enjoys
The job itself is providing essential service to the life & functioning of another human person
That human person is his lover, thereby fulfilling a different emotional need (his and said lover's)
And even when he is almost certainly set on running off into the sunset with the Duke, he still jumps at the chance to prove his worth when Bates goes, because that's just how he functions.
Like, in terms of the relationship specifically, he is trying to solve the financial problems of the Duke's estate AND become the person responsible for his daily care & keeping AND establish a safe way for them to be lovers For Ever And Ever—where he can then emotionally & sexually fulfill him on top of the physical, mental, financial and societal (having a valet as social status but also as the person who arranges pretty much everything for you and keeps you up with appearances) and needs he would be meeting.
CLINGY MUCH?
And then as soon as it starts going south his tactic is:
Look at how bad I want it
Look at how good of a valet I am
(You promised!)
Look at how good of a lover I am
Look at how much I know & care about you
Except then—
{clear internal chaos}
I do not care about this in terms of you at all, your needs never meant anything to me, this was just about me and I'm not the vulnerable one here, you are
But what is blackmail?
Blackmail is when you threaten another person with exposure of private/secret information to get something out of them.
The idea is that the victim will fear losing social standing or facing legal consequences enough to provide whatever that something is—and it can leave long-lasting damage regardless of the length of the extortion itself, because the victim has a psychological, and it follows, social & physical need, to maintain their current life sans embarrassment or like, a criminal record. Even a threat itself that cannot be carried out is damaging, because it makes the victim aware of the possibility.
The victim has to rely on and trust the blackmailer (that they will keep their word) while also fulfilling their own demands. Indefinitely, or even like, forever. Control freak much? Etc.
"smithensy when the fuck are you answering the actual question" PROBABLY NEVER
It's also a common event with relationships resembling theirs, so it's bound to be the first thing to come to mind! And he came up with it in the moment and clearly regretted it like, immediately!
Absolutely! Agree!
...except that he does it again.
And then again.
The second time, he is actually reluctant! He knows in what way he has been trusted and he knows what need he is fulfiing! And he really doesn't want to break that trust and stop fulfilling that need, even though his own needs have been intentionally torn to shreds!
But the next time he does it it is intentional. It is not split second and it is not against someone who has severely harmed him and brought the threat of ruin over his head. He takes it really fucking seriously, to the point of neuroticism, and he constantly reminds that person that she needs him—and although Baxter has to be liked for his requirement to stay in the know, I think there is also a vicarious element. He is giving her everything she needs to become indispensable. He's doing it while also holding the one thing that could ruin it over her head, yes, but he is also using her as like, a way of validating his own understanding of the house and who lives in it and what they require.
Anyway.
There are many points in his arc in the series where someone prone to depression and suicidality could be driven to attempt suicide. I can think of like, five off the top of my head.
But when he does, the breaking point is that he sees himself as unvalued and unnecessary—in essentially every area of his life, but especially his job and industry, which as above is really the only thing he never wavers in.
And he still doesn't waver in the work itself, necessarily. His problem is not that he is no longer skilled at his work, or that he can't meet his own expectations. It's that the job itself is surplus. It doesn't matter how good he is anymore; it doesn't matter how perfect he is. He has no control over it and it is the final straw for someone who has been fighting for scraps of agency for his entire life and only managing to have them through self-harm (see series 2).
I do not think Thomas sees himself as Enough. That is why he strives for perfection—if he is Good, and Skilled, and Talented, and he is needed, that is almost like being loved.
And by working his ass off and keeping the expectations of others around him low, forcing a poor opinion of himself, he is putting himself in a position where even if he isn't able to give it his all, his 70% or 60% or 40% is still better than what all these other people are capable of at 110%, so even if he is disliked and looked down upon and nobody wants him around, well, they have to keep him anyway because he is That Good and things will fall apart without him—
—and if it doesn't work and he has to go well then at least they'll be sorry when everything is ruined and he is irreplacable!
Aaaaaand he's thrusting himself into isolation and shooting himself in the foot.
The self-hatred piece is knowing that no matter what he does he will not be Enough, that there is just something missing. One piece is out of his control but he can never successfully work around it, so he can never have what he wants. The lack of success is what is driving the inward resentment. He has a lot of regret and guilt and he blames himself for every single action he takes that results even slightly in a loss of dignity. Again we see this in the first episode but also, like, the entirety of series 2, 3, 5 and 6 have this thread weaving in and out. When being mean and externalizing his blame doesn't work or make him feel better he turns it around.
The S5 plotline is more to do with having something than getting rid of something. If he can just have this one thing it will make everything else go away; it is the key to Being Enough.
And then in the cottage hospital he is immediately lashing out at and blaming himself for bothering to want that, let alone to try it.
Baxter is right, though! His tolerance for pain and suffering in the pursuit of fulfilling his own needs is extremely high and he seems determined to push it.
People who have lots of self-love and self-respect do not constantly punish themselves.
I have been writing this post for two hours and I don't think it makes much sense. I am going to make dinner now.
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Hey! My character is made into an experiment by the government due to him having a supernatural ability. The one who handed him over was his partner, who has been a part of that organization all along. He is usually a very confident person, powerful and extroverted. I'm not sure how his mental state is supposed to change? I don't feel like the whole loosing their will to live and becoming incredibly depressed thing would fit him as a person. How could I still show that the torture effects him?
There isn’t a sure fire answer to how any one person will change when they’re tortured. We know the possible symptoms, but most people won’t experience every possible symptom and we don’t have a way to predict who gets what.
There’s a post that talks about the possible symptoms over here.
Here’s the thing though: there is a lot of variety in survivors, in the symptoms they get and the way they personally express those symptoms. Some people do become suicidal. Some people do become depressed. And some people do lose their faith in humanity.
But there is not one universal survivor experience.
This means that there’s a big range in realistic responses. It also means that as a writer you actually have a lot of options. You should be picking 3-5 symptoms from the list of possible options, but the list has 14 things on it and some of those things can manifest in multiple ways.
I think that, since we can’t predict symptoms, the best thing you can do as a writer is pick symptoms based on what you feel fits your character and story best.
Depression and suicidal thoughts don’t do that, so let’s have a look at some of the others.
Memory problems are incredibly common in real survivors and are almost never portrayed accurately in fiction. You can read about the four basic types here.
I’d really encourage you to use one of these if you feel it fits your story. They create a lot of interesting narrative challenges for the character and they can make for really good emotional/introspective moments. If for instance you want to explore self-doubt giving the character memories he later finds out are inaccurate could feed into that, leading to him questioning whether he ‘really’ was betrayed.
General forgetfulness (ie low level difficulty forming memories) can give the character a lasting disadvantage in everyday life, creating a much more traditional injury-recovery arc as he tries to find adaptions to this new normal.
Intrusive memories, when handled well, can help create a deeper connection between the reader and the character. Because it lets you create situations where the character’s mood flips in an instant, the other characters don’t understand why but the readers do.
Memory loss can be trickier, mostly because it’s rarely handled well in fiction. It doesn’t effect older memories, such as childhood memories, the person’s name etc. It almost never effects memories of torture itself. But it does effect other aspects of the time they’re held, the period prior to capture and sometimes a few weeks after release. It’s a distressing and disorientating experience and it’s a good pick if there’s any sort of investigation or prosecution.
Because memory problems (especially memory loss and inaccurate memories) are a big part of why torture trials are really hard to conduct. Having the character find that he doesn’t actually remember the crucial details and watching the process of people trying and failing to help him, that can be a really powerful addition. It’s also a good way to form a rift between him and his friends without depression or having him lose faith in others. It gives a reason for any distance between them, even if it’s an emotional rather then logical reason.
Read through the masterpost and really think about whether any of these memory problems could fit your story.
Narratively speaking memory problems don’t link the character’s personality but they do have a strong impact on plots and sub-plots. Memory loss, inaccurate memories and intrusive memories will all effect the character’s emotional arc and sense of self. They can also throw up barriers for the character.
He might be missing a couple of crucial details about his life before he was snatched. He might have some key details about how and where he was snatched wrong. Think about how those sorts of problems could feed into your plot, because they can add interesting conflicts and challenges.
Chronic pain is also incredibly common in torture survivors and it often doesn’t have a single cause. Back, muscular and joint pain are particularly common.
It can lead to a character seeming angry, unapproachable, anti-social or like they have a hair-trigger temper. It can also make it seem as though they have really bad mood swings or a short temper.
This can lead to interesting character moments as non-survivors struggle to empathise with an ‘asshole’ while the survivor is struggling to express the fact they’re in physical pain. It can also lead in to discussions of disability and the way we treat invisible disabilities in society.
It can also often be improved by, again, life style adjustments and sometime medication.
If you wanted to use addiction as a symptom then chronic pain is a common reason behind addiction in survivors. Essentially they start taking more and more powerful pain medications in order to try and feel ‘normal’.
Chronic pain doesn’t always lead to addiction though. Making good, consistent life style adjustments (using a mobility aid, being able to sit instead of having to stand for long periods and so on) can help keep pain at manageable levels allowing a healthy relationship with pain medication.
Insomnia is another really common symptom in survivors. This basically means the character is always at least slightly sleep deprived. Which has knock on effects on absolutely every part of a person’s life.
You can read about the effects of sleep deprivation here.
I’d suggest thinking carefully about what you need the character to do before using this one. It might sound counter intuitive but a character with disabling chronic pain is probably more capable of the occasional bout of superheroics then a chronically sleep deprived character is.
Insomnia caused by mental illness is also notoriously difficult to treat. Medication for the mental health problems survivors tend to have makes it harder to sleep and reduces the quality of sleep. Medication to ‘make’ people sleep often decreases the quality of sleep, when it works. It does not work for everyone.
Essentially don’t treat insomnia as an ‘easy’ option with less impact on the character. It impacts every part of a person’s life, making them more likely to get sick, slower to react, more emotionally volatile and less able to learn/remember everything.
There are so many things that insomnia effects that- well I find it easiest to think of it as a permanent lowering of ability across all categories. This does not mean that a character automatically becomes incapable of things; it means they are worse at them then they were before.
If they were already really good at something then other people might not notice the difference. But the character himself will. Which can have a knock on effect on self esteem.
Any of the things I’ve mentioned can result in social isolation. Because survivors can come across as aggressive, volatile and inconsiderate which can lead to people… avoiding them. Especially when other characters don’t have a good understanding of mental illness or experience dealing with trauma survivors. (Having said that, remember that a pretty significant proportion of the population experiences mental health problems at some point in their life. Think about how likely experience vs ignorance is, rather then assuming one or the other.)
Isolation exacerbates pre-existing mental health problems.
And any combination of the above symptoms make up the frame work of any long term personality change. For instance you describe this character as confident and capable: if he gets multiple forms of memory problems does that impact his confidence in certain areas? And if it does how does he cope with that? It could be by expressing his self-doubt but it could also be by taking a more passive role within a group, letting others take the lead instead of stepping in.
I have an old ask over here that goes through how I pick symptoms for a character and how I vary them depending on the sort of plot I have in mind.
Wrapping up, I think that we make these symptoms individual when we consider how the symptoms interact and what that means for the character.
Depression does not have to mean someone looks overtly miserable. It can look like nausea, like struggling to eat and sleep, like being quieter in social situations. It can feel like going through life disconnected from the world, not so much the presence of misery as the absence of joy.
You’ve listed these characteristics; confidence, power, extroverted and survivors can hold on to all those things. As always the central point is nuance. Because that confidence probably won’t be completely unshaken anymore, that extroversion might not be effortless anymore, his relationship with that power could change.
The character might have developed a lot of self doubt and, though it’s a struggle, continue to make firm ‘confident’ decisions because he feels that’s important either to himself or to everyone else. It could be a way of him showing that he’s still ‘strong’, that he survived, that he can still support the other characters.
The character could still be extroverted and depending on the symptoms you pick socialising might be harder, it could take up more energy. He might be hiding the cost from his friends. Or, another common way it plays out, is that he could just come across as… a lot more inappropriate: making dark ‘jokes’ that non-survivors don’t find funny, having obvious mood swings that make others uncomfortable. You get the idea.
Torture does change people. But those changes are unpredictable and they often don’t look like we expect.
Our fiction often tries to use depression and suicidal ideation as an excuse to turn survivors into passive objects. They are not.
One of the things that stood out to me the more I looked at prominent survivors was anger. Because yes, despair is possible, common even. But so is spite and vitriol and rage. So is determination.
There is more then one way to be powerful. Confidence does not need to be unshakable to be real.
In essence: you are aiming for an understandable change in what is already there, not an excision of the characteristics you’ve already established.
As a final note you might want to take a look at the masterposts I have on medical experiments (which you can find here and also here.) It’s worth deciding whether you want to show unethical but genuine experiments, or torture. You can have a look through the tags on unethical experimentation and pseudo-scientific torture for more information.
I hope that helps. :)
Available on Wordpress.
Disclaimer
#writing advice#tw torture#tw medical abuse#writing survivors#writing recovery#tw suicide#effects of torture#torture and memory#chronic pain#insomnia#choosing symptoms#writing symptoms#unethical experimentation#pseudo scientific torture#fantasy ask
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PSISLY PROGRESS/AN OPEN LETTER TO OBEY ME WRITERS AND CONTENT CREATORS
Tldr; I reflect upon the alleged plagiarism incident of last year after finding out one of my close friends also experienced the same, if not worse. I tried to keep true of my own words before and focused on the positive things and left the negative things (of the whole ordeal) behind. This is my attempt to do that (after also), realising PSISLY is almost over after Barbs' route will be out.
To new readers of H2/PSISLY, the story gets very confusing sometimes because of all the references (I placed a lot...so much to the point where even if I wrote it down in my notes, I sometimes get confused myself lol. References that probably won't make any sense until I finish H5 lol;;), but hopefully with rereading some parts (especially involving a certain someone), they would be appreciated. I had some beta friends comment about how some of the references are easy to miss so upon editing, and made them more obvious. Hopefully, it had reflected on the revisions!
Okay, with that segue out of the way, I have some announcements I want to make (loooong overdue announcements).
There's a bit of an update regarding the alleged idea thief I had an encounter with last year. This is not an intent to bring up the issue again, but to share what I have learned from this experience.
Short explanation= The alleged person had deactivated their tumblr account now, which contained their Mammon x Reader series where they copied scenes and paraphrased lines from PSISLY. I wanted to express my thoughts about the aftermath of the aftermath.
LONGER VERSION:
In lieu of what occured, I attempted to report their Mammon x Reader series to tumblr's DMCA, but because of privacy concerns due to PSISLY being in another platform around that time (AO3), I found out that my real name and other personal information will be exposed to that person if I moved forward with my report. In the end, I decided to do the second best thing and crosspost my works here instead. I had a choice to report their works after crossposting(which I had considered) but due to my busy work schedule, I didn't have time for anything else. Frankly, I was just super drained at the time and wanted things to end so I can focus on other things, so I set it aside plenty of times until I've reached the point where I find out their tumblr account had already been deleted (possibly of their own free will).
I still stand by my stance of honouring that person's privacy despite all of the things that happened between us. I loathed the implicated actions and not the individual. I was disgusted by the thought of how, if proven true, they took a lot of credit from my ideas through their fics, and possibly exploited the fact that my works are inaccessible to many due to my series' gimmicks, but does that make them any less of a person? No. Up until now, I still don't know what actually happened and will probably not know anymore. What I do know is that we're human and we are prone to make mistakes. I understand their behaviour towards me isn't correlative of their whole identity, but I still ultimately decided that any further interactions between us would only make the situation worse so I cut ties with them.
Still, I'm thankful that their alleged works are now removed from this website. To that person, thank you. If you were the one who deleted your work(s) with your own initiative, thank you. It had been long overdue, but I am grateful that you have finally acknowledged my discomforts and decided to see things in my perspective. I also want to thank you for making me realise that despite my crippling low self-esteem, I am a writer. I meant it when I said that I am rooting for your own writing endeavours. I just wished things didn't have to end this way.
And to other writers and content creators out there, if you ever find yourself (I wish you wouldn't) in a similar situation, please know that you are the best judge of your own works. If you suspect your works are already being compromised, please confront the other person as an individual---do not dehumanise them into a singular trait due to your own bad experiences. Seek to understand. Talk to them privately and try to settle the issue between yourselves.
Why have I brought this up again? Because I randomly thought of them today and thought "I wonder how they're doing", and saw their account is already gone (as what I have stated earlier). Even if we parted in not very friendly terms, I still genuinely wish they would do better for themselves, and possibly learn something from what happened like I did.
Second other reason is because I have recently learned that my good friend @lexsssu had been allegedly plagiarised for the third time and saw how the incident had taken a toll on her drive to write. Despite how sad and discouraged she had become after her own experience(stagnating her writing progress for a long time), she is now seeking to heal and continue her passions---I wish to learn from her example.
I believe if you truly love something, you would continue to love doing it despite the hardships it will entail. I realise I'm rambling and I'm probably not making any sense right now(I had an all nighter fricking around in the wonderland portion of the Windblume event in Genshin Asia with a friend soz), but I hope if you did manage to get this far, I wish you learned something from my own experiences and ramblings.
PSISLY is still going strong and will soon reach its conclusion (spoiler: Barbs' route is actually the last part I have to outline since the remaining ones were mostly written last year) . I'm not the best, nor the easiest writer to follow (in terms of plot coherence ha ha ;;), but I am still a writer. And I enjoy writing and will continue to do so.
Have a blessed day, everyone! Wish me luck on the outline! 👋
#ramblings#Obey me#Obey me fic#obey me psa#shall we date obey me#obey me shall we date#Will place a keep reading tag once I get this on desktop
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I saw you asking for prompts! I don't know what you prefer to write, but for your consideration: a modern geraskier au, it's the summer after high school graduation and college essays are due. But one of our boys is stuck on his, on account of low self esteem can make it hard to sell yourself in an essay. In my mind this would lead to a bunch of very sincere compliments, and eventual cuddles and love confessions. But whatever you think is best :)
Oh yeah, having to tell others how great you are is so stressful. Thankfully, I never had to write a college essay, but I looked them up and they look terrifying. I still don’t really get what exactly you are supposed to put in them, so this is probably going to a bit off. Hope you enjoy it anyway :)
„Finally!“ Jaskier closed his laptop and let his head drop back into the pillows.
When he heard no reaction from his best friend, he lifted his head and looked over to where Geralt was sitting at the desk, staring intently at his own laptop. He was scowling as though it had personally offended him.
“Geralt?” Jaskier asked and turned fully to him. “Are you ok?”
Geralt grunted, still not looking up from his work, but Jaskier could see one of his hands clenching into a first.
“Trouble with your essay?” Jaskier asked and sat up on the bed.
Geralt sighed. Jaskier couldn’t see his expression from where he sat, but the tension in his back told him enough.
“Come here.” Jaskier scooted over and patted the bed next to him.
“Jaskier, I can’t. I really have to get this essay finished. I’m already late.”
“I know. I’m going to help you.” He smiled. “And the first step is to make yourself a bit more comfortable. You’ve been sitting like that for hours now. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate like that either.”
“It’s not that I can’t concentrate,” Geralt said in a tone that almost sounded defeated, but he took his laptop and sat down next to Jaskier, leaning against the headboard. “I’m just stuck. And you really don’t need to help me. You’ve had enough stress with your own essay.”
Jaskier waved his hand through the air dismissively. “Don’t worry about that. After all, if I get accepted, I’ll have to write a lot of essays anyway. Might as well get some practice now.”
Geralt’s lips twitched. “If? They’d be stupid not to take you.”
Heat rose into Jaskier’s cheeks and he quickly leaned over Geralt’s laptop to hide the blush that was surely showing.
“Show me what you already got,” he said, not so subtly changing the topic.
“I… um. I haven’t actually written anything yet. I kind of tried to brainstorm first.”
“That’s ok.” Jaskier smiled at him. “We can work with that.”
Geralt rubbed his neck uncomfortably and tilted the laptop to give Jaskier a better view.
Things I am good at:
1. Riding Horses (fucking useless. Should probably scratch that)
2. Being silent (is that even a good thing??)
3. ???
Jaskier couldn’t help the quiet “oh” that escaped him. “Geralt….”
“I’m sorry.” Geralt was staring at the laptop again, doing his best to avoid Jaskier’s eyes. “I know I have just wasted hours doing nothing. But I just have no idea what to write.”
Jaskier reached out, laying one hand on top of Geralt’s clenched fist.
“You didn’t waste time. Starting by figuring out your strengths was a great idea. That’s what I did too.”
Geralt huffed bitterly. “But you actually have things you are good at. I have no idea what my strengths are supposed to be.”
“You mean apart from your literal strength?” Jaskier poked a finger into Geralt’s arm that had more muscles than Jaskier could probably ever get.
Geralt cracked a smile, but the cloud hadn’t left his expression yet. “That doesn’t count.”
Jaskier snorted. “Of course it does. Here, let me-“ Without waiting for Geralt’s permission, Jaskier took the laptop and sat it onto his own lap. “I am very disciplined and able to work hard,” he said while typing.
“What?”
Jaskier shrugged. “Well, you are. You don’t get those kinds of muscles by being lazy.”
He nudged Geralt and a low chuckle escaped Geralt.
“See?” Jaskier said, wiggling his fingers in excitement. “You just have to look at it from a different angle. So, about those horses. That is absolutely not useless.” He deleted that addition. “How about I am interested in activities which don’t necessarily follow the expectations others have of me. I am able to make decisions about doing what I enjoy without being intimidated by the judgements of others.”
Geralt snorted and Jaskier’s fingers stilled. He looked up at his best friend with confusion written all over his face.
“Jaskier,” he sighed, his fists starting to clench again. “I don’t… that sounds nice, but I don’t think it’s true. You know I care far too much about what others think. I… I don’t…”
“Hey,” Jaskier took Geralt’s hands in his, the laptop forgotten. “I know. We all care about what others think. But you still manage to do the things you do despite that. And I for one think that is really fucking admirable.”
Geralt’s lips quirked up a bit, but he remained silent. It wasn’t the silence of agreement, though.
Jaskier turned to face Geralt and squeezed his hands.
“Here, I’ll prove it to you.” Geralt lifted an eyebrow, which Jaskier took as an invitation to continue. “You remember when we first met?”
Geralt nodded, as scowl darkening his expression. “You were bullied by those assholes in your class.”
“For being a theatre kid, yeah. And you were the only one there who didn’t join in and made fun of me.” Geralt looked up at his words. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to argue, but Jaskier was not going to let Geralt play this down. “You were the new kid. Literally everyone else would have jumped at the possibility to fit in by bullying me. And instead you let me sit with you and glared at anyone who dared look at me weirdly.”
“And then we were both outsiders,” Geralt concluded, but it sounded almost proud.
“Hell yeah, we were. But we were outsiders together. Because you stood up for me. For the little guys no one likes.”
“I like you,” Geralt said quietly. “And people started liking you eventually.”
“And why do you think that is?” Jaskier cocked his head to the side. “They wouldn’t have even known I existed if I hadn’t gotten that role in the school play. And the only reason I got the confidence to audition was because you helped me. You helped me so much, Geralt. You are inspiring me to be better.”
Geralt still didn’t say anything, but his expression changed. There was something in his eyes that seemed almost vulnerable, so desperate to hear someone say that he was good enough for something.
“And you are selfless,” Jaskier continued. “You went to the school dance with me, even though you didn’t really want to, just because you knew it would make me happy.”
“Of course I wanted you to be happy,” Geralt said and looked down, suddenly very interested in what Jaskier’s fingers looked like, threated with his own. “And I had fun too. I liked dancing with you.”
“I liked dancing with you too.” Jaskier’s heart skipped a beat. “You looked absolutely gorgeous, by the way. Did I ever tell you that?”
Geralt chuckled. “Only like 10 times that day.”
“That’s not nearly enough,” Jaskier gasped and soaked up the way Geralt’s ears turned pink. “I should have told you far more often. And not only at the dance. You are always beautiful.”
Geralt snorted, the bitterness from before came back with full force. “You know that’s a lie.”
“Why?” Jaskier said, his tine challenging. “Because of your eyes? Because you have Coloboma?”
“I look like a freak.”
“Look at me, Geralt,” Jaskier said, his voice soft. Geralt complied. “You have the most incredible eyes. I don’t care what anyone else says. If anything, they make you look even more special. You are beautiful, Geralt, why else do you think I spent most of my time in geography just staring at you? And I have the bad grades to prove it,” he added with a smirk, before he became serious again. “Believe me, you are the most wonderful person I know and every day I am thankful that I have you in my life.”
Geralt didn’t answer, but there was something in the way his gaze darted between Jaskier’s eyes, as if he was searching for something. As if he needed an answer to a question he didn’t dare ask.
Eventually, he whispered “This isn’t about the essay anymore, is it?”
Jaskier’s lips parted in a smile. “No, it isn’t.”
“Then what is this about?”
Jaskier’s breath hitched. “This is about you being important to me. About you knowing that you are wonderful and that you are the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Something twitched in Geralt’s face. The slightest hint of hesitation, before he darted forward and pressed a quick kiss against Jaskier’s lips. Jaskier froze. It was over too quickly for him to even react.
“I-I’m sorry,” Geralt said, his voice tight and his eyes wide as he took his hands away from Jaskier. “I didn’t… I shouldn’t have… but you were saying all of those things and I just couldn’t…”
“Geralt?”
Geralt stopped his nervous rambling and looked at Jaskier with what almost looked like fear.
Jaskier leaned closer, a smile dancing on his lips. “Do it again?”
Geralt stayed frozen for a second, before a smile broke through the scared expression, like the sun breaking through storm clouds. He gave Jaskier another peck, smiling into it.
“You are important to me too, Jaskier. More important than anyone.” He hesitated. “Can I ask you for something? You don’t have to say yes, of course.”
“What is it?”
Geralt’s hands twitched. “Hold me?” He sounded so unsure.
Without hesitation, Jaskier opened his arms. Geralt fit in them perfectly. He rested his head against Jaskier’s chest and Jaskier rubbed small circles on Geralt’s back, alternating between pressing soft kisses against his hair and telling him how much he meant to him.
#The Witcher#Geraskier#Modern au#I know nothing about the American school system#ask and you shall receive#my writing#fic
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I've been reading drarry for years but decided to try myself as an author only recently. I love writing fics but I'm pretty disappointed how little attention my stories get. There are big names in the fandom whose fics I used to enjoy,but now I'm kinda sick of seeing those same faces over and over again everywhere in every fest and exchange promoting each others works and hyping about their fandom friendship. I don't even read their stuff anymore though they used to be my favorites. 1/2
+ Im envious and even tried to make friends with them but got cold-shouldered. Im aware its not them,its me but Im bitter all the same. How do I promote my fics? How do authors become popular. I can see that my writing is as good as any but their works the day they are posted gain the amount of hits I get in several months. Idk what to do, I feel useless and lose my motivation to write. Im ashamed to let anyone know how I feel. thanks for listening to my whining. I love ur blog btw u are cool 2/2
*************************
I'm so sorry, Anon, that you feel that way, that your fandom experience disappoints you when you contribute as a creator.
We all want validation, I feel you. I don't really know what to say, except that, if it's getting toxic, maybe you can try and step away for a while? Distance yourself from the fandom interactions that make you compare yourself and other people's success, focus on your creative process and things that inspire you?
How do authors become popular? - I have no idea, I honestly don't know how these things work. I myself am not very popular as a Drarry author. I just write and post it on AO3 and reblog the links here and stress over the low hits/kudos count, lol.
Two fics of mine that received a lot of attention and feedback compared to my other works were written for one of the Drarry fests. So I guess these events allow to promote one's works to the larger audience. If you want to draw more attention to your works, you may probably try writing for fests if it suits you. However, my most recent work was written for a fest as well, but it's getting a really low hit count, which made me fret over it a lot, because I think that's my best work and I want validation and feedback as much as anyone. So you see, I have no idea how these things work, and it seems like nothing is a guarantee of popularity.
You may not post your writing at all (but seems like that's not what you want). You may still post but turn the AO3 statistics off and disable comments - so that your self-esteem will not depend on numbers and someone else's opinion, while you'll still know that people read your works.
I should probably suggest making fandom friends and build your own circle where you would support each other and have fun together, fawning over each other's works, but I myself to this day haven't made any friends of the kind lol, so I can't give you a good advice at how it's actually done. I have been told that a lot of friendships in writing circles start on the Discord (but again, I have never managed to succeed, I just get confused there, I'm lame omg).
I know, I should say: 'write for yourself, don't mind the statistics, don't compare yourself to others' - and that's a really good point, but I don't think I can tell you how it's done, because I'm not sure I'm fully succeeding in that. Sometimes I do...but at times I don't, getting anxious and insecure and feeling bad about my writing
All I can say is: just write if you feel like writing, don't stifle the urge when something inspires you, let your ideas out and savour those moments, because, looking back, they are the best parts of the writing process, and often you only realise it when you're done.
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That's always been my biggest thing about the first kiss between LWJ and WWX is that WWX describes that the most attractive thing about the "woman" who kissed him is that they must have been very tall and very strong and buff and almost manly (if I'm remembering it correctly and I know you're always good with quotes which I appreciate cause you put proof to the words I throw at you) and he implies that it couldn't be a man because men don't kiss men (again idk if I'm remembering this wrong)
The scene plays out a little bit differently in the novel (maybe you’re thinking of a fic where the kiss is included and described differently?).
In the novel, ‘her’ strength is noted more as a matter-of-fact thing, as was ‘her’ gender. WWX never even considers that he might have been kissed by a man.
Wei Wuxian’s back smashed against the tree. Just as his right hand was about to pull off the ribbon, his wrist was twisted back. The force was quite strong; he couldn’t even struggle out of it, but there was still no killing intent. Wei Wuxian’s left sleeve shifted. As he was about to shake out the talismans, the person noticed his intent and caught him like before. They pressed both of his hands onto the tree, movements stiff. Wei Wuxian raised his leg and was about to kick when he felt a warmth on his lips. He immediately froze.
[...]
The person kissing him seemed to be shaking softly.
Wei Wuxian couldn’t struggle anymore.
He thought to himself, It seems that even if this guniang is quite strong, her personality is both fearful and easily embarrassed? She’s already so nervous. Or else, she wouldn’t have chosen to sneak up to him at such a time. She probably mustered up all of the courage she could find inside of her. Besides, it seemed that her cultivation wasn’t low, meaning that her self-esteem was even higher. If he pulled off the ribbon and accidentally saw her, how ashamed would the guniang feel?
[...]
After a moment of lingering, the lips finally left reluctantly, and he finally managed to recover.
From the kiss, Wei Wuxian’s entire body felt limp. Energy came into his arms only after he leaned against the tree for some more time. Raising his hand, he ripped the ribbon away only to be stung by the glare of the sudden sunlight.
[...]
A hint of heat and a swelling sensation on Wei Wuxian’s lips kept on reminding him he had just lost the first kiss that he had been guarding for twenty years. He was kissed until his head was dizzy, but he didn’t even know whom the other person was and what she looked like. Just how could it be?
Later, when WWX and LWJ discuss the kiss, WWX says again that he thought it was a shy guniang who had kissed him.
Wei Wuxian was shocked. “Oh, it was really you?!”
Lan Wangji’s adam’s apple bobbed. “I…”
Wei Wuxian was astonished, “Lan Zhan, who could’ve known? You’d do such a thing?”
Lan Wangji remained silent.
“You know, I’ve always thought some shy girl did it because she had a crush on me and didn’t dare say it.”
This is what makes it so comphet in my book. Despite being kissed by someone who overpowers him in terms of strength and whose hands would have felt really big and large (we’re talking about LWJ here), there’s not even a moment where it clicks that he’s being kissed by a man.
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Simon In The Bathroom
Simon Minter Centric
summary - Simon gets ditched by his one friend at a party, now he’s crying in the bathroom
warnings - crying, panic attack references, being ditched by friends, swearing, low self esteem
a/n - based heavily on Michael In The Bathroom from Be More Chill which you can listen to here
masterlist & request info - REQUESTS ARE CLOSED
Simon didn't expect his Saturday night to include him sneaking into the party at one of the biggest houses he'd ever seen. He tried his best to blend in and to try to find his best friend in the sea of drunk people. He continued to avoid everyone the best he could as he searched for his best friend.
Simon quickly noticed him in the sea of people sat a few meters away. Simon watched wearily, fighting the instinct to go and slap JJ's face for even thinking about hanging around those people. JJ excused himself from the table, smiling politely before exiting the room and walking up the stairs. Simon followed, trying his best not to look creepy as he waited for JJ outside the bathroom.
The door opened and immediately Simon was face to face with a startled JJ.
"Can we talk?" Simon begged.
JJ looked around, hesitating slightly as he whispered, "Okay."
Simon smiled walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.
"I didn't know you were here," JJ said, eyebrows furrowed.
"I wasn't invited." Simon shrugged.
JJ was about to speak but Simon swiftly cut him off.
"But that's not important. JJ, what's going on? You've been ignoring me." He asked. "Did I do something?" He rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at his best friend.
"You didn't do anything," JJ stated firmly.
"Well, it sure feels like I did!" Simon retorted. "I looked into the management. Jide, you need to get out of there, I talked to a guy who used to work with them - he's in therapy now. We can find a loophole in the contract or-"
"Can't you just be happy for me?" JJ snapped. "I've worked hard for this."
"I'm not saying you haven't, Jide, but they're manipulating you!"
"They're helping me!" JJ exclaimed. "It's my life, Simon. And you know what? I don't think I want you part of it anymore." And with that, JJ turned and ran out the door. Simon stared at the door before quickly walking towards it and locking the door.
It felt as though someone had suddenly broken every one of his ribs and stabbed them into his heart. He slid down the door, slowly sitting down and resting his head between his knees.
Simon felt so lonely in the small bathroom despite one of the biggest parties he's ever sneaked into going on a room away. What happened to him and JJ against the world? He hadn't done anything wrong had he? So, why was Simon feeling the loneliest he's felt in a long time? His only friend had just ditched him, for a shitty management company.
Simon in the bathroom at a party, he didn't know how much time had passed. He was no longer Simon and JJ, it was Simon. He was just Simon in the bathroom, all alone.
Simon hugged his knees when he heard five fast knocks on the door.
He ignored them, too submerged in his sadness. The knocks started again.
"No, you can't come in!" Simon exclaimed at the knocks.
"Other people need to use the bathroom you know!" The girl yelled back.
"I'm on my period," Simon replied, making his voice slightly higher pitched. He cursed himself for the shitty excuse.
"Oh. Take your time." The girl said, kinder this time, her heels signalling her exit.
Simon sighed and grieved the friendship that quickly got flushed away. He didn't understand how fifteen years of friendship could be thrown away so quickly. Thrown away for a dodgy management company who told JJ to never talk to his friends and family again.
Simon needed to leave this shitty party as soon as possible because he didn't know if he could handle the people questioning who he was and why he was at the party. He wanted to go home, just sit in his room and watch some shitty horror movie.
He went to reach for the door handle when he heard JJ's loud laugh echo into his ears. His hand froze and Simon backed away from the door and slid down the wall. JJ was having fun with people ten times cooler than Simon and had no guilt towards how shit he made his long time friend. Simon was officially alone.
Simon felt tears escape when he heard the familiar opening notes to Whitney Houston's song. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on something to ground him, whether it was the small droplets escaping the leaky tap or the lyrics to the song that Simon loved dearly.
"I wanna dance with somebody." He sang quietly, the sound leaving a sour taste in Simon's mouth.
"I wanna dance with somebody!" He heard a drunk girl sing poorly as she walked past the door. Her singing was completely off-key and mismatched Simon's sadness. Simon would normally laugh at the sound of drunk singing but now it just made him want to cry harder, the memory of him and JJ only a few months ago radiating in his brain.
Simon didn't know if he regretted the beers or not. If he had drunk more then maybe he could forget the interaction altogether. Why hadn't it gone smoothly as Simon had imagined? He choked on a sob.
"I'll blame it on the weed or something," Simon whispered to himself as he saw his red eyes and wet cheeks. He wiped at his eyes roughly, desperate to stop being so vulnerable to his reflection.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.
Simon knew whoever was at the door would start yelling at him soon and he desperately wanted them to leave as soon as possible.
Knock, knock knock, knock.
"I'll be out soon!" Simon exclaimed, his voice cracks but he doesn't acknowledge it.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
Simon pulled at his hair, no one could find him like this, a mess on someone's bathroom floor. Ditched by his only friend.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
Simon had been ditched by the one person who knew of his constant battle between himself.
Clang, clang, clang, clang.
Simon could suddenly hear the pipes in the house and all the water running through them. He felt like a balloon about to burst.
Bang, bang, bang, bang.
Simon shouldn't have shown up. He shakily runs to the sink and turns on the tap.
He should have never gone to the party.
Splash.
Water made its way down Simon's face and he felt as though he could finally breathe. He made his way to the door when he realised there wasn't any knocking anymore.
Simon desperately wished that he never convinced JJ to take the management opportunity because now it had turned and slapped him in the face. Simon was going to be alone forever because he encouraged a bad choice. Simon looked at himself in the mirror. Oh, how he wished he wasn't alone in his reflection. But there was no denying it, he was alone.
Simon was alone at the party he hadn't even been invited to. He broke into a sob. Simon pulled at his hair, trying desperately to calm down. Why didn't he just stay home and watch porn or something? Why did he have to come to this stupid party? Why was he even born? Simon felt embarrassment flow through his veins as he looked at himself in the mirror.
'Loner, stoner, the fucking awkward guy who drives a shitty Audi.' Simon thought bitterly. 'That's all I am to them. A loser. I'm Simon in the bathroom by himself. None of them know who I am, they just think I'm a loner.'
Simon opened the door to the bathroom and sped walked to the door before a hand grabbed him.
"Hey, Simon, right?" Simon made eye contact with Josh. "You enjoying the party?"
"You don't know anything about me. It's fucking awesome party. I'm so glad I came." Simon felt tears burn in the back of his eyes. Simon pulled his wrist from Josh's s grip and walked out of the house.
#simon minter#miniminter#sidemen#miniminter x reader#miniminter centric#simon minter centric#sidemen centric#miniminter oneshot#miniminter imagine#simon minter oneshot#simon minter imagine#simon minter x reader#sidemen imagine#sidemen fanfiction#sidemen x reader
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- would you say that you’re insecure yet have somewhat of a big ego? Insecure physically? Do you believe in yourself and usually trust your instincts?
- High self esteem and low confidence or high confidence, low self esteem?
- would you say that your sex drive is high and your imagination is wild? (LMAOO sorry I need to know this but you don’t have to answer if you’re uncomfortable)
- do you have a sense of self control? How long can you suppress anger or aggression before you explode? Would you say that you get mad often? Annoyed often?
- would you easily for into peer pressure? Say your friends offered you some questionable substances but they seem to enjoy despite the health risks. What would you do?
- are you generally more of a pessimist or an optimist?
- how good of a listener are you? Do you get bored/unphased when someone’s sharing a sob story with you? Do you consider yourself to be empathetic?
- would you consider yourself good at managing financials with your friends (paying for them with food, etc.) but not good with money spending on yourself (spending too much, too little, frugal?)
LOL this is a lot! But I hope you can answer as thoroughly and as honest as you can :)) take your time w/ it and really dive deep into yourself
-shk
- yea im insecure, little bit of appearance and more of personality. I do not trust myself one bit.
-High self esteem and low confidence
- sex drive is high, imagination is more wild than the average person, but not too wild
- I do get annoyed often, and I can control my anger well, I'll still be fuming, but I tend to keep it at bay.
- I used to fall for peer pressure, when my friends would smoke or drink, and they would comment people who don't do it are boring and no fun, I would do it too, because I wanted to fit in. Not anymore, I am substance free :) so nope.
- I say I lean more towards optimistic, but I doubt it sometimes.
- I believe I'm a great listener, and no I don't. Yea I do believe im an empathetic person.
- mmmm, i used to be able to do that, be able to spend money for others, but when I did that, I just felt like I was being taken advantage of, so now it's kind of a trust issue. I do spend a lot for myself tho lol.
#I didn't want to share too much in case it's tmi#but i think i shared enough#svn.shk anon#svn.lettres
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