#i hope i could write about how both love and the ability to choose is so central to them
Text
i hate how the "Laudna just lives to please Imogen" discourse absolutely removes agency and development from both characters, while also completely ignoring 30+ & 10+ years of trauma at the same time.
i don't have the rhetorical might to develop those points in written form, but when i see people saying, with all certainty, how them "don't work together", or how they should separate to "grow"... i die a little inside.
I want to give those people a chance, i hope they don't really believe that after analyzing a 2 year friendship, and 12 DAYS of a formal relationship IN THE MIDDLE of THE END OF THE WORLD is enough to pull those conclusions. But i don't know...
I've seen this same people seething about their relationship since the start of the campaign so... idk
Anyway i trust the players over everything. They are very aware of their character flaws and arcs (even if these people seem to forget that somehow?) so i know i'm in good hands.
But at the same time... ngl, that this keeps happening to the women characters, and to the sapphic relationships specifically, over and over again... it gets a little bit tiring.
#cr meta#critical role#exploring interesting dynamics of dependency and self love is so very interesting#declaring how they should act while ignoring all context is... cmon#i hope i could write about how both love and the ability to choose is so central to them#about how that over everything else is what will save them#about how just like magic and love it has to grow#under extreme circumstances to really flourish#they are barely over the middle of the campaign#like... cmon#cr3#laudna#imogen
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
Seven Minutes
luke castellan x reader
A/N: i was so excited to write this request as soon as i saw it so i hope you enjoy!
TW: smut, luke being a cocky little shit
word count: 1,172 words
Playing seven minutes in heaven is not an appealing idea to you. You don’t like the idea of being trapped in a closet with a guy who isn’t of your choosing and it isn’t some stupid kissing game that’s over in a second, but there is sadly no saying no to Silena Beauregard. Your friend is literally the embodiment of an Aphrodite child with her ability to persuade. For gods’ sake she actually has the word ‘beautiful’ in her name and everyone knows that someone with such a likeness to the love goddess isn’t someone that can be refused.
“There’s going to be lots of good looking people there I promise… Charlie, Clarisse… Luke.” Silena murmurs the last name.
“What?” You’re clearly pissed. She can hear it in your tone.
“What do you mean ‘what’?” She asks innocently.
“What was the last name you just said?”
“Oh, nothing. I was just listing people at camp who are objectively attractive.”
“Just objectively attractive or objectively attractive and playing seven minutes in heaven tonight?” You ask, giving her a pointed look.
“The second one.” She replies quietly.
“I’m not going if Luke is going to be there.” You tell her petulantly, stopping in your tracks like you’re going to turn around and head back to your cabin.
“So you did hear me.”
“I’m not going.” You start to walk back but she grabs your wrist.
“Yes you are!”
“I’m not. I hate him. I want him dead. I pray for his downfall on every quest he goes on.”
“All I can hear is that you spend a lot of time thinking about him.”
“Silena!”
“I’m sorry but if you think about it, all this hatred could just be pent up sexual frustration.”
“It’s not.”
“It could be!” She realizes that she isn’t anywhere close to getting through to you so she holds both your hands in hers. “Please just come. The bottle most likely won’t even land on him anyway. Just think about it as a fun night.”
“Fun night my ass.” You grumble but turn around and begin to walk back to the Aphrodite cabin. Silena giggles excitedly.
When you walk in, almost everyone of the older campers in Silena’s friend group are already there. Your eyes fall on Luke first and he gives you an annoying little smirk.
“Okay, now that everyone important is here…” Silena smiles before sitting down. Clarisse hands her an empty beer bottle. “I’ll go first.” She spins the bottle and grins when it lands on Charles. If your eyes aren’t deceiving you, you could swear Clarisse’s face drops for a millisecond.
The person next to Charles goes next, and then Clarisse goes and now, it’s your turn. You’re not really sure how it’s your turn already, but you aren’t about to argue with Silena over the spinning order. You look at Luke before you spin and he gives you another cocky smirk. You try to ignore him and spin the bottle, doing it perhaps a touch too hard because it goes in circles forever. When the bottle slows, it is clearly about to stop on some Apollo kid before it shifts a little more and lands on Luke.
What the fuck?
He looks away from a son of Boreas to you. “Up you get then, princess.” He stands.
You look at Silena with ‘help me’ eyes but she shrugs with a guilty grin. So now you’re walking over to Luke. He holds out a hand so he can lead you to the closet but you slap it away as you pass him. He turns on a dim light as you enter and shuts the door behind him.
“Look at my luck.” He says in a suave tone, holding his hands out like it was the gods’ bidding.
“Did you really bribe a wind god kid so that the bottle would land on you?”
“Perceptive.” He comments. “I was just lucky that I happened to be sitting North of you. So maybe it is the gods’ will.”
“You think it’s the gods will that we fuck in this closet?” You scoff.
“You said it, baby not me.” His right hand falls to your waist, gripping at your love handles. “But sadly, we don’t have enough time for me to fuck you properly.”
“Get your hands off me.” Your gaze is filled with a lot of passion. Whether that passion is lust or hate, he isn’t sure.
“Make me.”
When you don’t make him take his hands off you (which you most could) he takes that as a sign that you want him just as much as he wants you, so he pulls you in for a rough kiss. You hate how you kiss him back, whimpering into his mouth when you feel his hand slip up your thigh to rub you through your jeans. He slips his tongue into your mouth as he begins to make quick work of your zipper. Luke tugs your jeans down and chuckles at the sight of your lacy panties.
“Were you planning on getting screwed tonight or is this just coincidence?”
“Shut up.” You murmur before forcing your mouth back against his.
He rubs you through your panties for a second but you both know you’re short on time so he slips them to the side, sliding his fingers through your arousal.
“Gods, you’re so wet.” He whispers into your mouth before plunging two fingers inside of you, curling them in just the right spot. You whine softly, pissed at how good he is at touching you. He leans his head down and begins to kiss your neck. He suckles on the same spot for about a minute so he leaves a deep red mark. “Oops, left a little colour.”
“Luke!” You scold quietly and he begins to rub your clit with his thumb so you can’t think straight enough to say anything else.
“Just have to let people know who’s girl you are, princess.” He starts rubbing your clit a little harder. “Who’s girl are you?”
You’re feeling so good and you’re so close to your peak that you moan out, “Your girl.”
“That’s right. Cum on my fingers, baby.” He demands and you do right away, squeezing around his fingers as you get your release. “You better get dressed.” He says as he checks his watch. “You’ve got about 12 seconds before they open that door.”
He’s clearly amused as you struggle to get your pants back on in time but that doesn’t mean you don’t notice as he licks your cum off his fingers, moaning just a little bit.
“Times up, lovebirds.” One of the other Aphrodite girls says as she swings open the door.
You walk out as soon as she does and you don’t make eye contact with anyone as you storm out of the cabin.
“We’re done with the game for today.” Luke says cockily as he quickly grabs both your jackets and chases you out the door for round two.
Silena grins. “I knew it.”
taglist (comment to be added): General: @valeskafics @urmomsgirlfriend1 @girlwith-thepearlearring @darylandbethfanforever9 @lovellies @juhdoche @papichulo120627 @watercolorskyy @ophelialaufey @aerangi @ravenclawprincess33
Luke Castellan: @amortencjja @urmomsbananabread @kissingyourgrl @vikimontethegirlblogger @maryann2013 @stark-head @remussbitch @ever8ea @batmandabest @jennapancake @junos-web @tanifsblog @stupidtween
#luke castellan#luke castellan smut#luke castellan x reader#percy jackson#percy jackson fic#pjo series#pjo x reader#percy jackon and the olympians
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
Call Her Ishmael (or: a trans reading of one of my favorite Limbus characters)
Hi, I have been thinking about writing something like this since Canto V first released and today I finally felt inspired to actually make this... A compilation of the parts of Ishmael's story that lead me to reading her as trans <3 and why I think that understanding her character though that lens works so well
We begin with a woman stuck in the mundane. No plans for the future, no dreams of a life beyond the one she is currently living in, and that life is one she has long grown tired of. And she decides she would rather quit living that life, even if it would kill her. Everyone told her not to do this, but she wanted (needed) to do something new with her life.
She finds Ahab here, when she is at this low where she is unsure of where to go from here now that she has cast her old life away. She looks at Ahab and sees a woman with goals, determination, serious plans for the future she is willing to commit to. And she wants to be just like that woman. She wants to be a woman who will choose what her destiny is, choose what life she has.
"I hoped to be like her one day. To be someone who will face the destiny of her own choosing. To have something I could give it my all with conviction and without a moment of hesitation."
And when she gets on that boat and starts this new chapter in her life, well. There she meets Queequeg, and is asked for her name...
Queequeg asking her name, something that surprises Ishmael, and complimenting her hair is a defining moment in Ishmael's life and in their relationship. And not only is it the first conversation they have, it is the also last thing Queequeg asks of her. To hear Ishmael's name one more time is something that will bring not only herself comfort, but she knows will stabilize Ishmael as well in this moment. That it will bring her back to when they had first met, to the fond memories of a good friend who had asked for her name. Ishmael's name, her identity, the one she forged on that boat even through great difficulty is what shaped her into being herself... That is how their relationship begins and ends...
There is also a recurring theme of being reborn, of happiness being found in another life that is kinder to them both. Ishmael dreams of a life where they can break out of their cocoons. She wants to bury her past and had no dreams of the future before joining the Pequod, before meeting Queequeg and finding someone she wants a future with. Through Queequeg, through the woman who thinks her hair is the brilliant color of sunset and asked for her name, Ishmael is capable of imagining a destiny of her own choosing just like she had wanted when she met Ahab. (She isn't able to chase after it, not yet, because of Ahab's influence over the Pequod, but she for the first time can at least dream of a future where she is happy)
When tragedy strikes, she is left as, in her mind, the sole survivor of the crew, she has lost Queequeg, lost Ahab, lost her chance at finding happiness and purpose. It's then that she takes Queequeg's rope (the thing that kept her alive! Queequeg throughout their time knowing each other is always there to save her and help her keep on living) and makes it into a headband, attaches cute bows to it, a bit of femininity that is intrinsically attached to the woman who helped save her. She grows out her hair, her beautiful sunset colored hair, and it is so heart warming. For a long time I assumed that her not cutting her hair was done out of mourning, out of an unwillingness to move on from the life she had on that ship, but instead it was because Queequeg had loved her and she had loved her friend in kind.
In conclusion I love Ishmael very much and I like to rotate her around. Everything from her metaphors of being stuck in a cocoon and wanting to break free, her envy of Ahab's ability to find purpose so easily, her relationship with Queequeg that helped inspire her to dream for more to dream of a future where she is happy,, it is all very good and to me reading her as trans strengthens the themes of her story. I've watched the final part of the Canto V dungeon several times over when my friends arrive at that part of the story, and the Call Me Ishmael line always makes me start tearing up.
Ishmael starts as an unhappy office worker with no future and it is a life she cannot continue living, she meets an older woman who has the drive and passion to chase after her goals and wants to be like her when she is older, she has a life defining moment where another woman asks for her name and wants to be good friends with her, that woman will save her in so many ways and she will love that woman so deeply for how she helped influence her life, she sees herself trapped in a cocoon and wants to break free, she dreams of her and that woman will persevere, how they will live out the rest of their days, countless mirror worlds of happiness spent at each other's side. She starts the game proper with her hair grown long, ribbons attached to a rope that helped save her that represents the woman who had saved her before. She ends her chapter finding a new adventure to go on, one will she get to explore the world she lives in, she has found a compass in Dante who will help her chart her path forward.
Also I know we all make jokes about how inconsistent the art is when it comes to her chest but like... Come on look at the difference here.... I'm correct about this. But I mostly wanted to make this post to point out that her narrative arc is also trans and it goes so much deeper than just art inconsistencies.
Okay that's all I can think of now, thank you for reading, I hope you all also love her <3
#limbus company#ishmael lcb#not quite sure what to tag this as but I hope you all enjoy...?#i just sort of wrote whatever came to mind so i hope this is like... understandable
272 notes
·
View notes
Note
Ahhh your writing is just perfect! ❤️ I dare for another idea hehe 🫶🏼 just maybe something where you're dating but you get incredibly jealous as Katherine appears back in town and you know of their past. So you think it would be better to step back for a while but Elijah notices immediately and misses you as you not show up at any occurrence. He later finds you at the Grill, talking with the Salvatores about that topic and Elijah eavesdropped the whole conversation, finally realizing what's wrong with you and feeling bad for this to happen, as he only has eyes and feelings towards you. Then one night he invites you over to his house and tells you about his feelings and that you don't have to worry about Katherine as she's long forgotten to him and he proves that to you that night? ☺️ Ugh I love cute and fluffy Elijah !
Description: With Katherine back in town, knowing Elijah's past with Katherine brings some unwanted shades of jealousy to the reader.
Warnings: she/her pronouns, fluff, swearing
*Requests are open, please send through as many requests as you want, check my character list and requesting rules.*
Thank you for both of your lovely requests! I hope you also enjoy this one and thank you as well for your kind words!
Key: Y/N = Your Name, L/N = Last name, POV = Point of view, F/fs = favourite flowers
Word Count: 1,279
First Person's POV
Elijah and I currently sat in my favourite café, it was normally very quiet and once again today was one of those days. Elijah stared at me with admiration, he held my hand softly in his, rested small kisses on my knuckles and whispered words of devotion.
"I'm just going to run to the bathroom." Elijah nodded, resting another kiss on my hand and finally let me go off to the bathroom, I did what I needed to do and finally came back out. I stopped in my tracks, seeing a brunette talking to Elijah, he looked less than impressed, he looked pissed and I could only assume what that meant.
"Katherine." I simply stated, choosing to sit beside Elijah instead of across from him, the woman forced a smile to her lips the resting bitch look not fading from her eyes. I could feel this twinge of hurt and jealousy invading my being. Katherine took it upon herself to sit down and join us, Elijah let go of my hand and the once gentle and tender look that decorated his features was long gone.
"What was your name again...?"
"Y/n" I answered, hating the way she stared at Elijah, I knew of their past as Elijah had been quite open about his past relationships. Katherine nodded, shrugging and turned her attention to Elijah. I grabbed my things, kissed his cheek and pushed myself up to leave.
"Bonnie wanted me to do something, I'll see you later." Elijah nodded, staring at me for a moment, I walked out before anything could be said and made my way to Bonnie's house. I asked Bonnie to do a spell, something that would allow me to go under the radar and not be found by Elijah considering that I would be distancing myself from the love of my life to conceal the ugly green monster.
I had been cancelling dates, vague answers over the phone and would leave quickly with some bullshit excuse if Elijah appeared out of the blue. I could tell he could sense something was, I didn't want to mention that something was wrong and he hadn't questioned my actions.
Elijah's POV
Something was wrong with Y/n I couldm't place my finger on what it was, I couldn't understand what had happened and why she decided to almost disappear. I was missing her dearly, I missed seeing her smile, I missed her silly little jokes and her ability to make all my world seem so much better against all the issues going down. I missed her little rambles she would go on, the point is that I miss her and I don't know how to bring her back to me.
I had finally been able to catch the trail and follow her around, see if I could understand what was going on and it took me to the Grill. I stood near the bar, blending into the ground and proceeded to listen in on her conversation with the Salvatore brothers.
"I know it's silly of me but I can't help but be jealous."
"Come on, you know that the noble fossil wouldn't cheat on you." Damon remarked, a clear roll of the eyes that made Y/n whack him lightly.
"I being serious Damon! I know he has history with Katherine, when he was human he loved Tatia and then he found Katherine. What if her coming back brings back the feelings? I can't stand the idea of him leaving me for her and I don't want that to happen."
"Y/n have you tried speaking with Elijah? You know he'd hear you out and he'll be respectful of what you're going through." I let out a breath, I clenched my eyes shut, hating in myself for not reading the signs. If I knew sooner I would've done everything in my power to reassure Y/n that the only person my heart sings for is her.
"He's a 1000+ year old vampire, he has more important things than dealing with my petty feelings."
"Y/n listen here. Elijah worships the ground you walk on, he wouldn't think any less of you for worring about Katherine. We all know what Katherine is like and you have every reason to be worrying about it." Damon's response seemed to freeze her in her place.
"Thank you..."
Four nights later, I invited Y/n to come over, I will admit I was surprised when she agreed. We journed to my bedroom, she placed herself on the bed, fiddled with her hands and I took this as an opportunity to shut down the feelings of doubt and jealousy.
"Y/n the other night, I overheard you speaking to the Salvatores about what's been going on..." She buried her face in her hands, looking ashamed and worried about what I could possibly say. I sat beside her, took her hand and cupped her face in my other hand to ensure she met my eyes.
"I understand your worries completely. I understand and I want you to know, that Katherine does not matter to me. She hasn't for 500 years. All I care about is you, no one else matters to me, just you. I love you with all my heart, I love your smile and your little jokes. I love when you leave me a note with a little picture, I worship the ground you walk on and I will go to hell back to prove that I love you as much as I do. I am awfully sorry that you haven't felt as if you could speak to me and I feel awful that this happened. But please, my love... know that I would never ever dream of breaking your heart and leaving you alone. You have my word, I promise you that I won't let the devil of a woman try and break us apart because she is long forgetten."
She took a few breaths, Y/n moved closer to me, rested a kiss upon my forehead and took a moment before finding the courage to speak.
"I am sorry, I'm sorry that I didn't come to you, I'm sorry I didn't allow you to know what was going on. It was fair of me to shut you out when you haven't done anything to warrent it. Please forgive me."
"There's nothing to apologise or forgive for. My love, let me prove to you my undying and everlasting love for you." Her shy little smile brought a smile to my lips, I cupped her face in my hands, bringing her in for a kiss and listened to her hum as I brought her into my arms for an embrace, Y/n took a moment to breathe and whispers softly into my ear.
"i love you, Elijah. I love you more than you'll ever know."
"I love you more my love."
First Person's POV
Late into the night, we lay in each other's arms, Elijah and I lay naked under the blankets. My headed rest on his chest, he took my hand away lying across him and brought my hand to rest a sweet and longing kiss against my palm. The action was enough to keep my smile stuck on my lips and it was enough for me to snuggle in closer to him with my hand resting in his and his tender eyes continuing to made me feel incredibly loved and devoted to.
#the originals#fluff#angst#elijah mikaelson#elijah mikaelson x reader#elijah mikaelson imagine#the mikaelsons#klaus mikaelson x reader#klaus mikaelson imagine#klaus mikaelson x y/n#klaus mikaelson#elijah mikaelson fluff#klaus mikaelson fluff#daniel gillies#joseph morgan#rebekah mikaelson#hayley marshall#marcel gerard#freya mikaelson#kol mikaelson#niklaus mikaelson#niklaus imagines#niklaus x reader#niklaus mikaelson x reader#niklaus mikaelson fluff#niklaus mikaelson angst#klaus mikealson x reader#klaus mikaleson imagine#klaus mikealson fanfiction#klaus mikaelson one shot
159 notes
·
View notes
Note
hello to my beautiful mutual! first of all, congratulations on your milestone, you deserve it! your writing is literally everything to me.
i’m more than happy to participate in your event, so i was thinking the letter “k” (nsfw alphabet) for the arranged marriage au would be so fun.
- max :)
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) - suitless!Vader, arranged marriage AU
A/N: hi @antxlss :DDD tysm for participating, I love the arranged marriage trope!!! I'm gonna presume u mean suitless!Vader, otherwise send me another ask and I'll write that for u too 🥰 btw I accidentally wrote a little about the letter I (= intimacy) of NFSW alphabet so I hope that's okay :)
When the Emperor told him he'd be marrying a woman he barely knew, Vader was certainly hesitant: the memory of his deceased wife Padmè, however remote, still lived in the back of his mind, and the grief that had grown to hatred was gradually taking over his heart, making his ability to love scarce.
He didn't know how to go about in this relationship, the patented blend of touch starvation and lack of experience with romantic intimacy had affected his attitude in the past decade. He refused to berate or beat the woman, no, that is beneath him, but he couldn't force himself to fall for her, and he didn't want to: as proven by his previous relationships, it was going to end at one point, and he'd once again find himself abandoned by the very person he loved.
He was, however, well aware that the purpose of the marriage was to give the Emperor an heir to fulfill the Rule of Two, and the thought of a woman giving him a child was somewhat enticing to him, but without intimacy, it seemed pointless to him. A simple way to describe it would be that he was expecting for things to be awkward.
After the two of you get married, they are, in fact, awkward.
You don't know exactly what to say to each other, every form of affection feels forced, the meetings with the Emperor were draining. But slowly, little by little, you start to see him for who he really is. He's no Sith, no stoic and unfeeling man: he's affectionate and loving and would very well die for those he loves. So when one day you choose to call him "Anakin" instead of "Vader", his vulnerable side peeks through for the first time in your relationship.
Over time, you begin to grow comfortable with each other, and whenever you have sex, he'd get more and more passionate every time. He'd usually focus almost only on your pleasure, eating you out until you cry, fingering just the right spot to make you scream, holding your hand while he fucked you, peppering your face with kisses when you were both done, then pulling out of you and cleaning you up. 'The treatment angels should get', he says. But when the baby fever comes, any trace of rational thought was out the window. Of course, the thought of filling you with his children makes the blood rush to his cock in an instant.
He can't wait to stuff you full of his cum and wake up next to you every morning and seeing your belly swelling and growing within the next nine months. He loves it when you ride him, he wants to be buried into you as deep as he can to increase the chance of conception. The mere idea of your round, swollen stomach and breasts heavy from maternal milk makes him grip your hips and fuck his cock deeper into you, slamming his hips up into your loose, begging hole. He swears he could cum from hearing your screams and sobs of pleasure alone.
"That's my girl, good momma."
"You handled those kids so well, maybe I should try and fuck one into you."
"There you go, angel, there you go. Full of my cock, full of my cum... can't wait till you're full of my babies."
#star wars#star wars x reader#anakin skywalker#anakin skywalker x reader#star wars anakin#darth vader x reader#darth vader#anakin skywalker smut#darth vader smut
178 notes
·
View notes
Note
I have a request and take your time pls! I don’t wanna rush, I would like a scenario (I think that’s what it’s called?) of childe and I would add three more (I wasn’t sure if that’s too many but if it is then nvm!) of your choice. Can you do a marriage proposal when they were children but the s/o doesn’t believe it until they were wayyyy older? I hope that makes sense and feel free to dm me if it doesn’t or you need more info! Pls drink lots of water and I really like your writing! Here’s a cookie 🍪
` Author’s notes: hello, dear anon!! thank u so much for your request! i'm completely fascinated by this idea <3 i'm very glad that you like my writing. you need to take care of your health too!! i really hope you enjoy it. here are three cookies for you🍪🍪🍪
` Includes: Childe, Diluc, Kaeya x fem!reader
` Genre: fluff, romance, marriage proposal, childhood friends
` WC: 3.5K
CHILDE
You and Childe were childhood friends who grew up side by side. Your parents and his were good friends, and it only made sense that their children would be good friends too. You both spent a lot of time with each other, constantly playing and frolicking, but there were times when the two of you played with other children who lived in your area. It was one of those times when you and Childe joined a group of kids playing mothers and fathers.
You were quite surprised when you were given the role of a mother, because you were the oldest among all the girls present here. Embarrassed, you stepped forward and began to look around at the boys present, one of whom was supposed to be your husband for the game. Your cheeks turned red like a ripe apple when you glanced at Ajax, who stood shyly to the side, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot and looking uncertainly at his competitors.
He looked at his friend Maxim, who looked like a leader, ready to lead other people behind him with his head held high. Maxim exuded self-confidence and intelligence, he looked like a person you could rely on as your husband. Therefore, little Ajax couldn't imagine at all that you would want to choose him as your play husband. Insecure, timid and in love with you from the first day you met.
But you did it. You chose him among all the other boys who offered their candidacy for the role of your husband. His little heart beat faster as you called his name. Your voice gently broke the silence that seemed like an eternity and called his name. His blue eyes sparkled with happiness when he heard you call him and moved closer to you excitedly. You were embarrassed no less than your best friend, so you continued to look at your legs, embarrassedly hiding your eyes from everyone.
The girls swirled happily around you, singing about how you both have to get married in order for the game to be realistic. Your ears turned red when you heard these words, and a hot blush burned your cheeks. You nodded absently, afraid to look at Ajax's face out of embarrassment. In fact, he was also surrounded by boys, which is why you didn't even get a glimpse of his silhouette as the girls took you aside to get you ready for your little wedding ceremony.
And the moment you and Childe stood in front of each other, you both lost the ability to breathe. The little boy in front of you looked so timid but cute, making your heart race in your chest. His cheeks were bright red from embarrassment, and it was really very cute. That was what you wanted to remember the most about him. The way he was looking at you right now.
Your image was imprinted in his irises when he finally saw you. Your head was covered with a light white tablecloth as a wedding veil that one of the girls brought from her house, and in your hands you held a small bouquet of wildflowers. You were absolutely charming for Ajax at that moment, and he wanted all this to happen for real. He wanted you to be his wife for real.
"W-will you m-marry me, Y/n?" The way the ginger boy stuttered was both funny and very charming, but you knew for sure that you couldn't refuse him this little game.
"Yes, I will." You smiled shyly and held out your hand to him, waiting for Ajax to put on your finger a small dough bagel that one of the children brought as an analogue of a wedding ring. The little boy in front of you blushed and almost dropped precious ring. This was accompanied by laughter from the children, so Ajax looked very insecure.
But the way you gently smiled at him at that moment made him feel much more confident, and he put the ring on your ring finger with special tenderness. It was the most magical moment of his life.
Time flew by very quickly, and you both grew up, turning into adult beautiful people. Children's games are completely forgotten and left your mind from the very time when Ajax fell into the abyss, having stayed there for three days. But when you looked into his dull, empty eyes, it seemed to you that he lived there for an eternity, which mercilessly changed him. Now he was a confident, formidable and strong warrior. But what has always remained the same is that he never stopped loving you.
You carefully kept your feelings in your heart too, all your love for him, which tore your heart apart at the moments when he had to leave your small town again to go on another mission. You missed him, but you continued to believe that you would soon be able to see him again.
You were in your bookstore when the door suddenly opened and the bell rang to let you know that a customer had entered your store. You lifted your eyes and was speechless. In front of you stood your Ajax. He was dressed in a large gray coat and a red scarf, which saved him from the severe frosts of Snezhnaya. Fatui's red mask, as always, flaunted on the top of his ginger head.
"Ajax!" You didn't even have time to blink an eye, as the ginger man lifted you into his arms, carefully wrapping you in his warm coat. "Ajax! I missed you! W-wait, what are you doing?"
"I have just returned from my long mission." His voice sounds confident and cheerful, his hands in a possessive way press you closer to his warm chest. "I don't know how long I'll be here, so of course the first thing I should do is ask your parents for your hand in marriage."
"Marriage!?" You were absolutely excited by his sudden appearance in your bookstore, and now also by the fact that he spoke so easily and simply that he was going to ask your parents for marriage blessings. You both never even talked about your feelings.
"Have you forgotten that you married me a long time ago?" Childe's eyes shine with genuine happiness when he says these words, making you think for a few moments. And only when memories wake up in your head, you blush deeply and look excitedly at your best friend.
"We were kids just playing!"
Ajax only laughs sincerely and charmingly at your words. He then presses his forehead against yours and rubs his nose against yours, "Did you really think that I would ever let you leave me after you agreed to be my wife?"
Your cheeks turn treacherously red as he pulls out of his pocket that same little bagel that you once wore on your finger, but gave it to Childe when he left on his first mission, as a reminder to him that you will always be waiting for him at home.
He continued talking, "This is a symbol of our love, my dear Y/n. You gave it to me, and now I have to give you your ring. And I will do everything so that you wear a real wedding ring on your beautiful finger."
DILUC
The world of rich aristocratic people was too cruel. You and Diluc understood this at a fairly early age. The world of aristocrats was ruled by greed, self-interest, money, the lust for power and deceitful people. Who could enter into an arranged marriage just to get a lot of money. When you found out that your best friend and your first love at the same time in the future to marry lady for convenience, your poor little heart was broken.
You weren't a person of noble blood, you had an ordinary family, and you had nothing that you could offer to the rich Diluc's family in order to be able to be with him and love him. The red-haired boy was upset and angry no less than you. He never wanted to marry for convenience, hoping that someday he could marry you, his sweet little friend, whom he loved.
Things got even more complicated when Diluc was ten years old, and in honor of this, his parents arranged a big celebration in their huge rich estate. Many families came from different countries to this noble ball to experience the happiness of marrying their daughter to the offspring of wealthy aristocrats. Girls of his age filled the hall, their outfits were full of multi-colored colors, silk adorned their skin, precious diamonds glowed in the light of bright large chandeliers.
Diluc peered out from behind the big red curtains that hung at the front door and sincerely hoped that no one would be able to see him here. He had been hiding here for some time, because he didn't want to catch the eyes of his parents. They would immediately take him to all these girls so that he could communicate with them and choose a worthy bride for himself. But for him there has never been anyone more worthy than you. Only you he saw next to him throughout his life, when he could fleetingly indulge in his dreams.
Unfortunately, you didn't have the opportunity to be near your lover right now, because you simply wouldn't be allowed to this party if you came. You had no gold, no jewels, no beautiful velvet dresses. What could you offer him in return for his love? These thoughts tormented your mind and heart as you wringed your hands uncertainly behind your back as you hid in the garden. The desire to see your lover overpowered common sense and logic, so you came here tonight to see a full hall of these unfamiliar beautiful girls, one of whom will become Diluc's wife in the future.
You didn't notice how bitter tears flowed from your eyes at the mere thought that you could never be with your loved one. It was a harsh reality that could punch you in the face or plunge you into cold water as a sign that in this reality you could never be with the person you love. Your small hands trembled as you tried to wipe away the salty tears that continued to flow down your pale cheeks. It seemed impossible to do because the tears wouldn't stop coming from your eyes.
"Y/n?" That voice made your heart race in your chest as you turned around and saw a red-haired boy standing in front of you. "Why are you crying?" His voice was filled with genuine concern, and it seemed to make you cry even more.
"These girls..." Your voice trembled as you spoke. You tried to gather all your thoughts together to ask him about what was worrying you most in the world right now. "Did you like any of them?"
These words were spoken in your trembling voice, you had to make an effort to swallow an unpleasant lump in your throat, when suddenly Diluc came closer to you and wrapped you in his strong arms. Your eyes widened in excitement as you felt your lover's body press against yours.
"Never say such nonsense again." You could feel his voice trembling with suppressed emotion, and you hugged him back, trying to calm him down and give him a supportive hug. "None of them will ever compare to you!"
"But your parents will never let you marry me…" You bit your lip in despair, but the red-haired boy squeezed you tighter in his arms to show you that he didn’t need anyone but you.
"I don't care!" Diluc said confidently and looked at you with his red eyes full of love and adoration. And you could tell with certainty just by looking into his eyes that he really loved you. "I don’t care what my parents say! When I grow up, I will marry you!"
Those words were enough to make you cry again. But now you were crying from happiness, not from sadness.
Many years have passed since then. Now you worked in a small tavern to support your family. Unfortunately, the promises you both made to each other that evening were long forgotten. You realized long ago that you never had a chance to be with your loved one, and simply accepted his marriage proposal as a way to calm you from tears. As you've grown up, you've come to realize that not all marriages are for love. You were both just kids who had to face the harsh reality. But now you have the courage to face this reality face to face with your head held high.
You were wiping glasses standing at the bar when a beautifully and richly dressed man entered your modest tavern. He looked around as if he was looking for something or someone, and when his gaze settled on your figure, the man came closer to you and said solemnly.
"Lady Y/n, mister Diluc is waiting for you at his estate to discuss the details of your wedding with you. Please allow me to take you to the estate."
Your hands weakened when you heard those words, and the glass you were holding in your hands fell to the floor and shattered into many crystal particles. You were sure you'd have to pay for it later.
"It's not necessary." You heard a voice that made your heart jump out of your chest. The man you loved more than anything in the world appeared in front of you. "I will take my wife to our mansion myself."
You swallowed an unpleasant lump in your throat and looked at Diluc with your eyes, which were filled with excitement, "But how…"
He gently took your hand and pulled you closer to him, bathing you in the tenderness of his gaze. It seemed to you that you found yourself in a dream that trampled your nasty reality to shreds.
"I will never again let my parents decide for me how and with whom I spend my life." The red-haired man leaves a gentle kiss on the back of your hand. "I want to be only with you. And I want it to be official."
Your heart beat fast in your chest.
"Will you marry me?"
KAEYA
You looked around, shivering from the cool wind that swirled around you, covering your skin with a slight chill. You don’t remember at all how you got to this strange place, where darkness seemed to surround every corner that your eyes fell on. There were unusual and strange plants here, many kinds of animals unknown to you. You were a small child, so it seemed to you a beautiful and magical lost world.
You wandered along a lonely path, and you had the feeling that your journey would never end. You had the feeling that you were walking in circles when suddenly you found a spacious clearing. It wasn't that dark in here, so you had to close your eyes a little before opening your eyes wide in admiration. In the center of a small clearing was a large luminous tree.
The branches of the tree were as if strewn with the brightest stars that you saw every day in the night sky. But for some reason there were no stars in this place. When you looked up, all you saw was pitch-black darkness that swallowed up any light that entered this strange place. But in this clearing, things were different. The tree spread its branches in different directions, and therefore you could clearly see everything that was in this clearing.
And all of a sudden, your eyes caught movement. You noticed a little boy who was squatting a few meters away from you and looking at something enthusiastically. You were completely enchanted by the beauty of an unknown boy. His blue long hair was tied in a ponytail, his clothes were also very unusual, but it looked rich and presentable enough, so you thought that this boy must have come from a rich and revered family. You were curious to know what he was looking at, so you moved a little closer to him.
"Hello, what are you looking at?" Your voice broke the beautiful silence that was preserved in this place, causing the boy to flinch in fear and finally turn his attention to you. His beautiful eyes met yours and you held your breath excitedly. You have never seen such beautiful eyes.
"Hello." The blue-haired boy greeted you hesitantly, but was also quite interested to see a person who didn't look like him. "There was a little lizard here, but now it has run away."
You squatted down next to a stranger and sighed sadly, "I wish I could see it."
The boy noticed that you were upset and thought. For some reason, he was also sad when you were sad, so he decided he would find another lizard for you to see it with him.
"Then let's find another lizard!" He briskly got to his feet and held out his hand to you in an inviting gesture. Your heart beat faster in your chest as you looked at the boy who held out his hand to you. You felt a pleasant unfamiliar feeling spread through your body, and smiled happily, accepting the boy's invitation to follow him.
"My name is Kaeya."
"I'm Y/n."
Before you even noticed, a whole month has passed since your meeting with Kaeya. You've been in this strange place all this time, where your new friend lived. He brought you to his family, who helped you settle into a place that was like a magical world from fairy tales that your parents read to you. You were completely fascinated by this new unknown world, but most of all you were fascinated by the little boy who became your first friend in this magical place.
You both spent a lot of time together, and then one day the two of you returned to the clearing where you and Kaeya first met. When you joyfully ran up to the flowers growing in the clearing, Kaeya hesitantly followed you. It seemed that something had been tormenting him for some time. You were engrossed in looking at various flowers and plants when you heard a heavy sigh from Kaeya.
"What's happened?" You asked, looking into the face of your dear friend. There was a shadow of sadness on his face.
"Here we first met." You listened carefully to Kaeya's words, remaining silent, allowing him to continue speaking. "This place is very dear to me, but it also makes me sad. I'm afraid that if we met here, then we will have to part here."
You stepped closer to the blue-haired boy and took his hand, confidently looking into his eyes, "I'll never leave, I promise you."
The boy's heart began to beat at an accelerated pace, and he felt like he wished he could forever engrave this moment into his memory. And you in his life. "Then will you be with me for the rest of my life?"
"I will."
You took a deep breath, as if you had just stuck your head out of the water, and opened your eyes. You were completely dumbfounded, not understanding where you were right now. You looked around and saw a dark black sky strewn with golden stars. It was different from the place where you looked at the sky with your friend. The heart in your chest clenched desperately as you realized that you couldn't find your friend anywhere who stole your little heart.
A lot of water has flown under the bridge since the moment you met a little boy in the depths of the abyss, and by the time you became an adult woman, you decided that all this — a beautiful underworld, a large luminous tree and your friend Kaeya — was just ordinary the dream you fell into when you accidentally fell asleep in the woods. You were very sad, because you knew you never had the chance to see him again.
But for some reason, every time you again and again returned to the place where you woke up one night under the starry sky after the best dream of your life. Some unknown force pulled you to find this place again. And you had a feeling that maybe you'll find the one you've been looking for so long.
You looked around, making your way through the bushes and wild flowers, when you found yourself in a small clearing. Your heart skipped a beat for a moment, but immediately began to beat faster when you saw strangers in front of you with blue hair and eyes that you could never confuse with anyone else. The stranger also looked at you, speechless for a moment, but then smiled and held out his hand to you.
"It was so long ago, beautiful princess…" You moved closer to him, fascinated, and put your hand into his strong hand. It seemed so familiar. Kaeya smiled happily. "I remember you promised me to spend the rest of your life with me. Should I make a new marriage proposal so that you didn't leave me this time?"
#tartaglia x reader#childe x y/n#childe x reader#tartaglia x y/n#childe x you#childe imagines#tartaglia x you#tartaglia imagines#diluc x reader#diluc imagines#diluc x you#diluc x y/n#kaeya x you#kaeya x reader#kaeya imagines#kaeya x y/n#genshin impact#genshin imagines#genshin x reader#genshin impact x reader#genshin x you#genshin impact x female reader
322 notes
·
View notes
Text
BSD Fyodor Dostoyevsky: an in-depth character analysis
“Человек есть тайна. Ее надо разгадать, и ежели будешь ее разгадывать всю жизнь, то не говори, что потерял время; я занимаюсь этой тайной, ибо хочу быть человеком.” / “Man is an enigma. It must be unravelled, and if you will unravel it your entire life, then do not say that you have wasted time; I occupy myself with that enigma, because I want to be human.” – the writer Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky, in a letter to his older brother, Mikhail (St. Petersburg, 16 August 1839)
The purpose of this post is to present and analyse information related to Bungou Stray Dogs’ Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s personality and methodology. Softer than shadow, unsolved and endless, Fyodor may as well “hide” his soul under our very eyes and we still would not know if that is the “real” him. This is my promised Fedya essay, an info-gathering analysis masterpost I hope you will enjoy and find useful for contemplating and coming to understand his complex character a little bit better.
Warning: merciless BSD manga spoilers. Literally spoiling everything. Also, this is an unbelievably long post (20200+ words). Have some lovely tea, listen to Rachmaninoff, and read in serene leisure or endlessly curious passion.
Last update: November 2022. 20.200+ words. The BSD manga reached ch105, the BSD anime completed season 3, while season 4 is announced for January 2023. Please refer to my original post (this one) in the future, as I could add updates periodically when new chapters release (or so I hope). Please note that I am using the official English translations for chapters 1-94 unless stated otherwise. I am eternally grateful for all fan translations. Lastly, please note that in this essay I will not focus on: 1) connections to F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment or other literary works; 2) connections to F.M. Dostoyevsky’s biography / personal life; 3) possibilities of what Fyodor’s ability could be; 4) the philosophical and ethical side of Fyodor’s motives. All these would require vast separate posts entirely (who knows, I might write them too one day). My intention is to offer guidance in decyphering what Fyodor’s personality is truly like, as well as how his methods and tactics play a role into shaping said personality or BSD’s plot. Last note: in this essay, quite frequently, I am making references to other beautiful posts written by BSD fans, tagging them and linking to their posts. If you are tagged and want me to remove the tag, please send me a message via ask box and I will edit the tag out.
Sections:
A. Let the hand of God guide you: Fyodor and hand / arm symbolism
B. He understands human nature deeply, if not perfectly
C. He values independence and (most probably) his co-workers
D. No confirmation yet that he is brainwashing others and why this is relevant
E. He loves and lives for entertainment
F. Humble, not arrogant. Self-proclaimed god or servant of God?
G. A strange divergence inside Fyodor. Is he a singularity?
H. Soft, discreet, graceful, yet playfully dramatic. His body language in the manga, in comparison to the anime
A. Let the hand of God guide you: Fyodor and hand / arm symbolism
When it comes to Fyodor’s character, even choosing a starting point for our discussion about him might prove challenging. For all we know so far, he is a Russian man with a completely unknown past, he appears to be in his 20s, just a pinch shorter than Dazai (as @kaikaikitanmp3 showed here), elegant, alluring and ambiguously sickly (see section H for more on his self-proclaimed anemia and overall physique). Until we get more canon manga information on his personal profile, I propose we start from something that already has numerous ties to Fyodor’s character, a symbol we can present the many meanings of, only to abandon us to our roaming thoughts later. This symbol is that of the hand, and, before that, the closely-related symbol of the arm.
Embrace of all. A symbol of both power and protection, the human arm represents the instrument to apply justice and punishment, to rule and to guide. Not only that, but as a symbol of a human’s strength and capacity to act, its image becomes that of vitality itself. To open one’s arms is an act of invocation, raising them to the sky – an act of calling for divine blessing, but this welcoming gesture also renders a person wide-open and vulnerable, receptive and embracing. A certain humbleness and vulnerability is involved in this gesture, because only then one can wholly accept what stands before or above them, let them in, understand and feel them. This willingness to embrace alterity, when represented in art or various media, can be of different nuances, thus triggering different responses in the viewer: it can be soothing, heartwarming, comforting, just as it can be unnerving, constraining, intrusive even for even just suggesting such embrace. It is no wonder we see this gesture in how Ango apparently imagines Fyodor (ch78). While his arms are covered by his coat, his open hands, as of darkness, extend towards the viewer. This image appears as Ango concluded that Atsushi getting shot by Nathaniel, later falling unconscious in Anne’s room, was part of Fyodor’s plan. How this plan covered and embraced that outcome is portrayed as unsettling, therefore making good use of the negative values of such body language and symbols. Together with the ch63 panel where Fyodor’s faceless silhouette is shown with his open hands turned towards his chest, each finger pulling a thin string, this example, too, suggests the idea of Fyodor’s influence and interference being disturbingly omnipresent, this time with the hand gesture emphasizing the hidden character of his plans. A different example, of Fyodor conveying openness through body language, specifically showing his palms to someone while even opening his arms in a welcoming manner, is when he was negotiating with Mushitaro in ch55, offering to end his imprisonment in exchange for Mushitaro playing a role in Fyodor’s Cannibalistic Mutual Destruction operation. At that moment, Fyodor’s gesture conveyed the sincere character of his offer, made more impactful by being accompanied by much gesticulation on Fyodor’s part during the whole scene (more on Fyodor’s rhetorical use of expressive gestures in section H).
Honesty and harmlessness. The symbol of the hand also represents human ability to act, putting a start or an end to action, as well as having the freedom to act. Just like the arm, the hand is a symbol of power, justice and dominance, as well as guidance and bestowing blessings. Open palms, much like open arms, convey the message of having no ill will, no hidden secrets, thus presenting oneself in an open, vulnerable position, but also one allowing reception of the other, and, in the case of the open hands, showing willingness to share, as the hand’s different “powers” are almost as numerous as human actions themselves: to contain, to take away, to keep hidden, to harm, to mend, to unite, to divide, to guide, to give. The meanings of these, melted together, would all still accurately be applicable to Fyodor’s character, who, in the most general sense, just like Dazai’s character or even more so, represents the complexity of human nature, so rich in paradoxes, so ultimately impenetrable. Now, showing your hands, and especially showing your palms or inner part of your arms (interior side of the wrists and upper arms, for example), means showing you have no ill intent (based on how, for example, since ancient times, such a posture simply showed the other that you do not carry any weapons). Hence, in this line of thought, we can approach the scene where Fyodor showed his fragile hand and wrist to Ace in ch42. It has a double meaning in this scenario: firstly, Fyodor is indeed honest and open, he does not have an ill intent, because his hidden purpose, in itself, addresses the greater good of humanity; secondly, Fyodor’s intent becomes “ill” only when related to Ace himself, who saw Fyodor as a threat and was ready to deny Fyodor his personhood, as he did with all his subordinates, who became his slaves or, rather, his disposeable objects and instruments. In so many of BSD’s events and organisational dynamics, it is evident how relativity rules the verdict we as readers can give to various groups or characters. BSD features excellent examples of grey morality everywhere, and the problem of whether Fyodor is good or evil is no exception. It is all relative to a past and a future we do not know yet, while still maintaing a certain unnerving, dark side that undeniably accompanies Fyodor’s character at each step. The reader is then immediately reminded of this dark, threatening side of Fyodor’s, as he concluded the ennumeration of his physical and circumstational disadvantages with the abrupt “So how about this? I’ll kill you instead”. And while I did call this subsection “honesty and harmlessness”, everyone is conscious of Fyodor’s potential to harm at any time, most characters living in anticipation of being harmed by him, and yet we still have no clear idea how he applies physical harm (including death), despite having valuable depictions of how subtly he can exert mental and emotional harm, or simply influence, on others (more on that in the following sections). That being said, despite Fyodor calling humans sinful and foolish and expressing his desire to “purify” them (ch46, Fyodor: “Man is sinful and foolish. Even if they know it is all an artifice, they cannot help but kill each other. Someone must purify them for those sins”), we never see him acting like he hates or is disgusted by humans, nor like he forcefully wants to change how they behave. The latter reminds us of the thin line between plain manipulation (a thing Fyodor does when necessary for his larger strategic moves, as he has done in ch47 with fake Pushkin and the children or in ch75 with Sigma) and exerting oppressive corrective behaviour upon others (a thing we never see Fyodor doing, as he never changes the people he interacts with, who they are and what they value; see sections B and C). In fact, his openness to human nature in general is highlighted, for instance, in his interactions with Nikolai and in the way he talks about Sigma (see section C). Opposite traits blend perfectly into Fyodor’s character in most subtle ways, as I intend to prove by the end of this essay, so let us continue gathering such examples on the way, across all sections.
Bestowing blessings. In the manga, Fyodor was shown using a very specific hand gesture when using his ability on Karma, thus openly depicted only in ch42 so far. The same gesture, prepared but changed into one of covering Mushitaro’s head with its palm, appeared in ch56 in a hallucination, when Mushitaro was forced into a corner by Ranpo’s blackmailing, which for Mushitaro triggered images of Fyodor (more on this below). To me, this peculiar hand gesture is like a mixture of different acts I witnessed or experienced in religious contexts (to clarify my background, I’m slavic, Orthodox, and Eastern European, no “expert” in religions but fascinated by sacred rituals), and by this I mean specifically acts of blessing and chrismation done by priests. 1) Blessing marks bestowing holiness or invoking the divine will and protection upon a person (but also places, objects etc.), and is done in several ways: when one-handed and by a (consecrated) priest, using the right hand, with the finger positions spelling out the letters “IC XC” (for Ἰησοῦς Χριστός, Jesus Christ in Greek), the same sign being done with both hands when the gesture is two-handed; when one-handed and by a secular (also done between regular people occasionally), making the sign of the cross over someone or something using the thumb and index + middle finger stretched outwards, similar to the finger positions when making the sign of the cross on oneself. Fyodor’s hand position is most similar to the latter in this case, albeit with a sinister twist: Fyodor seems to use his left hand for the gesture. A different gesture for blessing, in this specific meaning mostly starting with the New Testament, is putting one’s hands over someone. There, this gesture is closely linked to the miraculous healings bestowed by Christ (as in Luke, 13, 13), and, after His ascension, keeping its relation to healing and bestowing the Holy Spirit, to the duty quite literally left in the hands of the apostles (as in Acts, 8, 17). 2) Chrismation is a Christian sacrament, where, in short, the priest anoints another person with the holy chrism, a ritualic ointment, while making the sign of the cross over specific body parts, each being a symbol of something, starting with the forehead (where the blessing of the mind is bestowed). Chrism itself, a common element in Mediterrean and Middle-East religious practices since ancient times, gained a particularly important role in Christianity, being used very often, in both baptismal and funeral rites, as well as sacraments (chrismation and acts of consecration). It symbolizes divine benediction, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but also bestowing power and glory (in the context of coronations or such). Each time the author of the benediction is considered to be the divinity, whereas the one who applies the chrism on the other is a mediator between the earthly and the holy. Notably, this use in baptisms and funerals marks an associations with beginnings and endings, life and death. To me, Fyodor’s hand gesture when using his ability, particularly the gentle touch of another’s forehead, always looked similar to the act of anointing someone with chrism (though it is not usually done directly with the fingers, but with a little brush or one half of the ointment’s recipient), and in line with his canon dialogues, we could say what he bestows is “the great silence”, “the salvation of death”, which can turn into the blessing of a meaningful, peaceful death, bone-chilling nonetheless, such as in Karma’s case (ch42, see section B where I expand upon this). This gesture links Fyodor’s character to the image of a mediator, the role of “the right hand of God”, carrying out a mission that can be regarded as holy (based on Fyodor’s use of religious vocabulary), although we still lack canon material to fully establish whether that is only a trait of his way of speech or indeed a hint for his motives’ origins (see section F).
Threat and manipulation, relative examples. Later, in ch56, Ranpo hit Mushitaro’s most profound, personal weakspot by adopting Fyodor’s type of manipulation, in the form of a one-time bargain with emotional pressure, an offer he could not refuse (Ranpo would have releaved a truth Mushitaro did not want to make public if Mushitaro did not accept Ranpo’s terms; see also @looking-for-stray-dogs ’s post here). However, given that we already saw Fyodor offering Mushitaro a deal in ch55, there is a noticeable difference between Fyodor’s and Ranpo’s deal here, which, in my opinion, shows that Ranpo cannot immitate Fyodor completely (or refuses to) while he also imagines him as a much worse person than Fyodor can be deduced to be, in fact, strictly based on his interaction with Mushitaro. In ch55, it is shown that Fyodor simply offered to free Mushitaro from the basement he was locked in, in exchange for Mushitaro using his ability serving Fyodor’s Mutual Destruction plan once. This deal was fulfilled and their interactions ceased. I would call this a case of pragmatic manipulation, because Fyodor did not profit of Mushitaro’s feelings or past, he only offered freedom from Mushitaro’s cell. By contrast, Ranpo, assuming Fyodor works only (and especially) with emotional manipulation, simply blackmailed Mushitaro into turning himself in. Of course, Fyodor is capable of emotional manipulation (as in Sigma’s and Nikolai’s cases, see section B, but also section H below), but he can also manipulate others not even bringing their emotions into the discussion (as in Mushitaro’s case). By limiting his assumptions to emotional manipulation, Ranpo may be walking down a dangerous path, disregarding the full spectre of Fyodor’s methods. Assuming Fyodor is “the worst person possible” by default could also prove to be a wrong approach, as it is easier and convenient to conclude on that for others, but assumes too much about Fyodor and adds a rigid label on him, one that Fyodor can exploit later. In fact, we saw he already did once, by giving the worst relationship advice on purpose in ch64, in Meursault, when Dazai asked for said advice within Fyodor’s “All-smiles Problem-solving Roooooundtable” (and yet, this, together with Dazai’s lines, were shaped that way for the purpose of establishing the terms of their secret code, as I shall argue below, in section C). Meursault guards are portrayed monitoring Fyodor and Dazai, whom they consider “demons” of crime, expecting them to be exactly the worst souless manipulator and the worst flirtacious lunatic respectively. I would like to thank Eliott @stories-from-saint-petersburg for discussing this scene with me in-depth and putting this aspect of it into very fitting words I shall copy below. Besides the ideas presented here, see also section C for this brilliant scene’s actual meaning, according to what I could deduce further.
Eliott: “But also, they know they are filmed and that people are listening to them. So it would make sense to give answers that are more far from their characters, to confuse or not to give too much info to their jailors. Just like they switch to code when speaking about more serious things. That’d make sense in a strategy where you have to deceive your opponent, the opponent being Meursault. If they both give shit answers (and the answers that are expected from them), then the way they make up their plans will be still more difficult to find out by the prison.”
There is more to be inspected in Mushitaro’s ch56 hallucination of Fyodor covering his head with his palm. For this, I shall leave a different discussion I had with Eliott below:
Lav: “One difference is that Karma (ch42) actually experiences that touch. He sees Fedya's hand, he feels the touch of his fingers. It happened as an event in his life. In comparison, Mushi (ch56) sees this image when Ranpo blackmails him into turning himself in, as Ranpo makes a speech about using the methods of a demon to reach his goal (debatable, I will expand on this when the time is right). Apparently, Ranpo's speech triggers an emotional reaction in Mushi, who then imagines Fedya reaching towards him, making the same gesture he did to Karma, and the panels are white, while the end of this vision (Fedya placing his whole hand over Mushi's head) is in black.”
Eliott: “Can’t it simply show the effect Fedya had on Mushi? A feeling of being oppressed and trapped, or something akin to control from a mind that’s greater than his? To me it looks like an allegory of manipulation, but not especially like an ability or something akin to it.”
Eliott: “If Mushi saw Fedya use his ability, then he knows his touch means death. Anyway, he knows Fedya is dangerous. Touching someone’s head is a common symbol for either intimacy, fondness or manipulation. Mushi probably knows he can end up killed, and this is a fear that can explain this imagery, and even the manipulation he’s subjected to. The fear of dying is a good motivation for someone. Furthermore, he is still traumatized by the death of his dear friend, so it’d make sense this is very impactful for him, either death or being near / in danger of it? Also, Fedya here looks like how his friend is depicted graphically.”
Eliott: “<So,> he doesn’t have to <have experienced this physically before>! Imagining someone threatening touch you is frightening, even if you don’t know they can kill you with one touch. And when speaking of being trapped / manipulated, it’s quite logical to imagine the person that has you trapped touching you, it’s an oppressive image either way.”
Lav: “True. (…) One detail that supports this <that Mushi only hallucinated without previously witnessing Fedya’s gesture> is how in Karma’s case Fedya stretched out two fingers (index and middle) to his forehead, much like in a blessing gesture, while Mushi imagines a hand with all fingers fully extended towards his forehead. Also the death touch to Mushi is done with the right hand, while for Karma it’s the left hand??”
Eliott: “I still don’t understand that gkflg, I’m wondering if the artist just forgot to draw one right hand ahah”.
Important unexplained details. Everyone’s ability in Dead Apple has an ability gem located on their forehead except: Atsushi’s tiger (nape), Akutagawa’s Rashomon (inside its chest), arguably Dazai’s No Longer Human (inside his chest), and most importantly here Fyodor’s Crime and Punishment (the back of his right hand). Another note, out of all the abilities, only Mori’s Elise, Fukuzawa’s All Men Are Equal and Fyodor’s Crime and Punishment are able to talk or heard talking. One detail unique to Fyodor’s ability and Mori’s ability, though, is that they each have real eyes with irises and pupils, as if they are human, and not just an ability with empty, glowing yellow eyes like in all the other cases, except Atsushi’s tiger. One could surely speculate on why exactly Crime and Punishment has its ability gem placed on its hand, but I want to move on to other topics in this essay. Lastly, on Fyodor’s motto, “Let the hand of God guide you”, see section G.
B. He understands human nature deeply, if not perfectly
Contrary to the popular opinion that Fyodor does not have an ounce of humanity in him or that he cannot understand nor feel human emotions, the canon presents evidence that Fyodor understands other humans and their emotions profoundly. Let us keep in mind the definition of empathy (“the ability to understand other people’s feelings and problems”), as well as the fact that there are different types of empathy, such as affective empathy or cognitive empathy (the latter applying to Fyodor the best). Instead of speculating that Fyodor completely lacks empathy (a lack psychopaths share, and Fyodor’s case proves to be much too complex to simply throw into that spectrum and call it a day; see @tecchous-thicc-buttocks ’s post here, where OP not only has a great post, but also a smashing username AND a superb N.V. Gogol reference in their blog description to laugh your heart out to), I invite you to explore exactly the opposite, namely the idea that he has capacity for perfect empathy and uses it instrumentally to make it suitable for his plans. The canon material showed us many situations that support this (too), as we shall see below.
Fyodor “connects” with others mentally, emotionally and / or spiritually in such an accurate way, that this skill of his is portrayed as bone-chillingly sinister, in scenarios holding starkly contrasting ideas. It is not just about analytically deducing what a person would do next or what would objectively motivate that person, Fyodor knows the depths of people’s hearts, as can be seen in his discussions with Karma, Shibusawa, Nikolai, and the way Fyodor talks about Sigma. I shall present each case in detail in what follows, made into a list of people whose problems Fyodor saw through and responded to adequately.
Karma’s problem was of intellectual nature: to die a slave or a free man, and how those are mutually-exclusive conditions, in regard to which Karma recognized himself trapped in the first condition (slave), but was later “transported” into the second condition (free man) by the circumtances and type of death Fyodor “granted” him. Frequently rationalizing each situation in his inner monologues, pondering each factor and possible outcome analytically and in admirable control of his emotions (as seen throughout the entire ch42), Karma explored, so to say, the “syllogisms” behind what was happening to him too: I want to be saved + I am a bad person + saviours do not save bad persons => I will never be saved; OR I am a bad person + I am not a free person + a saviour can free me by saving me + saviours do not save bad persons => I will never be a free person. Even if the concepts belong to morality discourse, Karma’s approach is straightforward and logical, therefore there is no scene of him begging Fyodor for help, freedom or vengeance, as well as no scene of him even running away from Fyodor: despite being frightened, he was able to withstand his irrational reaction and sought knowledge and clarifications through conversation even in the face of the Demon. Karma was a person who rationalized and accepted his personal condition, and he was all the more shocked that this “slave” condition was dissolved by the events caused by Fyodor. Although Karma had to be killed so that no trace was left by Fyodor, what deserves attention is, on one hand, the fulfillment on Karma’s dying face (dying as a free man), and, on the other hand, how Fyodor gave him privacy when he gave his last breath, as Fyodor is portrayed looking directly at Karma only after he passed away. The fact that Fyodor is portrayed as looking at Karma’s lifeless body afterwards at all can be interpreted as Fyodor contemplating Karma’s end, especially given how in ch42 all background elements vanish in this particular panel, deepening the solemnity of the moment (as @linkspooky noted too, together with Fyodor’s understanding and acknowledgement of Karma as a person, worthy of sharing knowledge with, here). And yet the anime (S3ep4) did not insist on this manga panel at all, skipping it entirely. The prayer that Fyodor offered for Karma at the end (“May your soul find salvation… released from the yoke of sin”), while facing him (unlike in the anime, where Fyodor does not look at Karma at all) was the conclusion of Fyodor’s solemn meditation, and I find it a shame that the anime did not linger on this aspect. This scene blends a merciful death with a necessary crime, such contrasts being typical to Fyodor’s character. This prayer for Karma may in fact not be the only one Fyodor offered to those he led to their death by necessity: indeed, Fyodor’s cello recital in front of a captured Katsura in ch47 may have served the same purpose. Given that Fyodor informed fake Pushkin about Atsushi and Kunikida’s arrival, via the telephone, in real-time, we can assume Fyodor knew exactly when the two Agency members clashed with the armed children and when the little girl triggered the detonation of her grenades. After replying to Katsura’s remark, meeting Katsura with the impenetrable grin typical to both him and Dazai, Fyodor recommenced playing with closed eyes and no smile (thus fully immersed), unlike in the anime (S3ep9), where Fyodor never stopped playing in order to talk with Katsura, yet him stopping to play the cello just for that is, in my opinion, very important, as I will try to show here. Fyodor’s cello recital ended with him offering a prayer, which at its end addressed specifically all children of the world (ch47, “Joy to the world… and blessings to all its children”). Therefore, the cello scene carries solemnity, thoughtfulness and emotion, contrasting with the violent sight of the dead children breaking Kunikida’s spirit, and in this light Fyodor’s recital (which Katsura himself did not understand the purpose of, as he was clueless about what was happening outside) becomes a musical prayer for the sacrificed souls. Once again, despite being terribly beautiful in animation and sound indeed, it is a pity the anime depicted this scene in a weirdly ecstatic and stereotypically evil way, giving Fyodor a demonic gaze and grin, as well as making Fyodor face Katsura while playing, despite Fyodor not being turned towards Katsura at all in the manga (ch47), given how he looked at Katsura over his right shoulder (Fyodor’s body position further supports the idea that the recital was not meant for Katsura). As a closing note here, the anime added a specific detail at the scene’s end, one I personally would consider mischaracterization: in the anime, Fyodor broke his cello after the recital, and yet this never happened in the manga, and now we can guess why (Fyodor prays for his innocent victims). See section H for more on Fyodor’s overall gentleness, as well as my previous post about the cello scene here.
Sigma’s problem is of emotional nature: for a man without a past, lacking life itself before he found himself “existing” directly as a young adult (I assume he is a young adult), he was most desperate to fulfill his most basic and primary emotional needs, i.e. having a safe place to call his “home” and belonging to people whom he can call “family”. These are exactly the things Fyodor offered to Sigma right from the start, as if anticipating his arrival in that state, but Fyodor also praised and described Sigma for Dazai (ch75) in a very positive, heartfelt way that also implies Fyodor’s admiration for Sigma, as well as acknowledges a certain superiority Sigma has, even compared to Fyodor and Dazai themselves. Depending on the true nature of Fyodor’s relation to Sigma, as well as Sigma’s true nature in itself, I assume this point here will change in nuance in the future, but in the present the canon tells Fyodor has read Sigma’s heart like an open book. I refrain from adding more to this paragraph until new chapters give me new ground for it.
Nikolai’s problem is of philosophical and spiritual nature: the very fact that Fyodor could understand Nikolai’s core problem, his central existential dilemma, not to mention how quickly Fyodor grasped it, is something that both elevated and destabilized Nikolai. Fyodor rightfully explained that Nikolai fights God “in order to lose sight of himself” (ch78), which, theologically-speaking, is very much accurate from a Christian perspective: a human’s highest and final goal is to “see God”, to return to where man was exiled from (heaven, the Fatherland or patria in Latin, the future heavenly Jerusalem etc.) and, once there, to contemplate God eternally, finally reunited with their Creator and seeing “face to face” (see 1 Corinthians 13:12). That is, because there is where man’s real nature lies, where it came from and belongs to, but also man being created in the image and likeness of God (see Genesis 1:26), together with a Platonic and Neoplatonic philosophical legacy, led to a tradition of interpretations (part of our overall cultural heritage) where man’s divine part (or God himself) resides deep within the human soul: therefore, introspection or contemplating one’s own self holds incredible importance. Nikolai fighting God “in order to lose sight of himself” is a very well-chosen line for Fyodor and a great way of presenting (a glimpse of) the depth of Nikolai’s soul to the readers, one that opens many possible interpretations, not just the one offered above. Nonetheless, Fyodor’s response is particularly disturbing, because he calmly stated what frightens and enrages Nikolai the most: the fact that the sight of God is, in the end, the sight of himself, his true self, and “fighting against God” inevitably becomes “fighting against himself” too. So what is left when Nikolai fights against this truth? What is left must be what is unique to Nikolai as a being, if there is anything like that at all. So far in the manga, it seems Nikolai struggles desperately with the concept of the “omniscient God”, who possesses knowledge of past, present and future as well, which opens the particular Pandora’s box of “predetermination vs human free will”, a monstruous philosophical problem as old as time (or at least heavily discussed ever since Ancient Greek philosophy and Early Christianity too). One must note that, by answering like this, Fyodor essentially denied Nikolai the success of his mission, but granted him the rare gift or rare curse of being fully understood by someone else. One truth too much, the resulting emotional impact on Nikolai was disastruous, as Nikolai appears to be a person of high sensitivity, very susceptible to the power of words and how they plant ideas in his mind. Even if Fyodor’s response is not malicious in words (see, however, section H, about the meaning of the tilt of his head and how this scene is an example of intentional emotional manipulation), this interaction was profoundly unhealthy and destabilizing for Nikolai, which I would argue is well in the spirit of N.V. Gogol’s characters, having their spirits frequently broken by the most mundane things which nonetheless go beyond what they are capable to live with (read The Overcoat, Nevsky Prospekt first half, even Diary of a Madman).
Shibusawa’s problem was of personal nature, linked to his past: not only the Mayoi cards, but also the entirety of the Dead Apple movie make it clear that Shibusawa and Fyodor were long-time acquaintances before the fog incident in Yokohama happened. The most objective proof on this are Shibusawa’s words themselves, when telling Fyodor (in the Draconia room, in Dazai’s presence) that it was thanks to Fyodor selling information to Shibusawa that the fog incidents could happen, and in Yokohama too at such an impresive scale. Since Shibusawa told Dazai he did not find “having friends” necessary (since everyone was like a open book to him), I will refrain from calling the personal relationship between Fyodor and Shibusawa “friendship”. Now then, later on, despite being surprised by the ability-gathering Dragon event triggering after he approached Dazai’s “ability gem”, Shibusawa was not angry nor shocked when Fyodor cut his throat: Shibusawa immediately realized he found his most important personal memory as a consequence of Fyodor killing him or, rather, Fyodor “granting” him death once again. Here, too, two contrasting images combine: 1) Fyodor offering “death” as a “gift” or “blessing” that gives Shibusawa exactly what he needed most, and 2) Fyodor essentially killing his old acquaintance, but with the twist that Fyodor was aware Shibusawa would not die yet, quite the contrary – as a result of Fyodor putting a fragment of the crystal that gathers all abilities on the skull’s forehead (as a “small gift”, as Fyodor called it), Shibusawa was revived and enjoyed one last “epic battle” and then died a truly fulfilled person. In fact, Dazai predicted this outcome in the very first scene with the three of them at the table in Dead Apple, telling Shibusawa he is the one in need of “salvation”: Shibusawa then asked Dazai “And exactly who do you propose could save me?”, to which Dazai answered “Who knows? An angel, perhaps? Or, maybe, a demon” (then Fyodor enters the scene; note that I cite the dub version and that, at the end of Shibusawa’s and Atsushi’s battle, Shibusawa’s last words to Atsushi were “(…) The meaning of that man’s <Fyodor’s> words. I understand all of it now. It’s you! You must be the angel who has come to save me”). Anyway, the movie leaves several interesting questions unaswered: could Fyodor have granted death to Shibusawa, and therefore give him his most important memory back, at any time, or was the whole Yokohama setting necessary? If the latter, was it necessary for Shibusawa or necessary for Fyodor, and Fyodor acted only when their distinct goals aligned? In any case, allow me to expose something very intriguing in the next lines. After Fyodor granted Shibusawa death by cutting his throat in a single swift knife attack, the moment Shibusawa’s memory of his first death returned overlapped with the moment Atsushi’s memory of the same event returned to him as well. In the flashback, Shibusawa stated that he conducted those ability extraction experiments on Atsushi – specifically, Shibusawa pressed the switch – because “a Russian man” told him Atsushi’s “power was coveted by every gifted in the world”. Later, Shibusawa added “the Russian’s name was Fyodor”. This makes all events align in such a way that one could speculate Fyodor was leading Shibusawa and everyone involved with him (Ango and the government) down that precise path we see reach its end in the Dead Apple movie. This makes Fyodor’s words from ch42 all the more relevant: “People can be so simple… They truly believe they are thinking for themselves. (…) They don’t want to think they’re being led by the nose”; or, in S3ep4’s dub: “People are eager to believe that they are acting with free will, that they know best. (…) We all loathe to believe we can be controlled”. One last thing to note and analyse here: as Fyodor walked away alone on the hallway and the Dragon got unleashed, he had a “conversation” with Shibusawa’s skull:
Fyodor (sub): “I’ll tell you an interesting fact, in celebration of you finding a friend in me.”
Fyodor (dub): “In thanks of our newfound friendship, I’ll offer you a bite from the apple of knowledge.”
Fyodor and his ability then delivered their famous “I am crime. I am punishment” dialogue. While there are significant wording differences between the versions cited above, how Fyodor referred to “friendship” here is mocking and ironic, so the nature of the bond between him and Shibusawa (beyond that of “informant and information buyer”) remains debatable. It is beautiful how the dub version of the line offers a splendid example of godly and demonic imagery blending in the character of Fyodor. In a Christian cultural context, two precise ideas come to mind simultaneously when hearing Fyodor’s line: 1) it was God who created everything, including the first humans (Adam, then Eve) in Eden, amongst all the fruit-bearing trees, giving them rules as to what they could consume or not (the power and authority “to offer” something rightfully was God’s, being the one to give and take away, to reference Job, 1, 21), but also 2) it was the Devil who “offered” Eve such a bite, tempting her through suggesting she should eat from the forbidden fruits of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (the infamous “suggestion” was the Devil’s, making a forbidden “offer” that was actually a transgression). It is unclear to which of these two ideas Fyodor is closer, and it may as well be possible he is equally close to both, further encompasing contradicting traits. Nonetheless, given that Karma himself introduced the yet unresolved theme of “transcending human nature” and “transcending good and evil” in relation to Fyodor’s character (ch42, Karma: “Ace was evil, but this guy isn’t even that. He’s some kind of nirvana. Something that transcends mankind itself…”), this particular line from Dead Apple supports Karma’s observations and how Fyodor’s character combines the ideas of creator and destroyer, like @looking-for-stray-dogs put into beautiful words here. This only becomes more interesting when we consider the archetype or role of the “servant of God”, which Fyodor consciously claims to fulfill (see section F below).
Kunikida: Yes, you read that correctly. While Ivan and Nathaniel are, as of now, total wildcards and I do not have enough information as to objectively describe their situation or how Fyodor won them over or “read their souls”, Kunikida’s case is the perfect example of Fyodor’s understanding of a person being so deep and accurate that he knew exactly what actions would cause them to break and render them useless for a significant period of time. Moreover, Kunikida’s case becomes even more intriguing if we remember that Fyodor successfully read his nature without even meeting him. Well, that would be the introduction to this minisection about Kunikida, but frankly I did not have enough time nor energy to dig deeper into this as of now. Perhaps in the future I will update this part with information and links to several great analysis posts I am sure Kunikida fans wrote out already, with their whole heart in them.
These examples share the fact that Fyodor accurately reads the intellectual (Karma), emotional (Sigma), philosophical and spiritual (Nikolai) layers of the human heart, as well as is capable of perfectly adapting to one’s personal baggage on the long term (Shibusawa). This means he posseses an extraordinary capacity for empathy, but, as he never loses his composure (except for small instances of surprise or adrenaline rush, like in ch46 and ch53), his willpower controls every single gesture and reaction he makes, which makes him a terrifying foe who has complete control over himself, never overreacts and thus seems soulless (ch42). His understanding of human nature fiels his skill to deduce future actions and thoughts of other people, which in turn may deepen Fyodor’s individualism or trigger his eventual alienation (paired with perceiving humans as “boring” because they are predictable, to which Dazai disagreed in ch77, albeit it must be noted that this is only an assumption Dazai made about Fyodor, that is not entirely supported by the canon dialogues; see section E), as well as encourage Fyodor to use others as predictable (and therefore reliable) pawns in his plans. Again, Fyodor’s character combines two very contrasting yet interdependent things in his strategies: acknowledging others as humans (with individual problems) firstly, and using them as instruments when necessary, on that basis (as Fyodor becomes their problem-solver). This shows both how versatile and accepting Fyodor is as a thinker and leader (see also section C). Theoretically speaking, could Fyodor use Dazai as a pawn, if Dazai is completely alien from being human? But that would open another massive collective essay on what is going on inside Dazai’s soul and mind, as the fandom so often and so admirably tried to figure out already. Personally, I am a firm believer in Dazai’s humanity, and if Fyodor can indeed understand it all the way to its core, then one may wonder if Dazai’s humanity will be his downfall.
C. He values independence and (most probably) his co-workers
Continuing on the previous paragraph’s line of thought, here’s the catch: it is important to keep in mind that Fyodor nevertheless seems to treat certain “pawns” differently, perhaps considering them closer to him in some regard. People Fyodor refers to as “his staff” (and, in ch64, the faces of Ivan and Pushkin appear as examples) may be a matter of genuine concern to him, enough so that Fyodor asks Dazai how to make his subordinates less dependent on Fyodor: “My staff show no independence. All they do is wait for orders. How can I make them into good workers who take the initiative?” (ch64). To me, this question, even just as a light-hearted example for the sake of their shared prison mindgames, is plain shocking coming from someone always thought of as using people like tools and discarding them like broken puppets. As a first thought, to my stupefaction, Fyodor really took into consideration the independence of even his lower-ranking “pawns” as something worthy of a question, and valuable enough as to lament its lack. However, on later inspection I came to understand that Fyodor’s entire “roooooundtable” session from ch64 is in fact more like an icosahedron with razor-sharp edges (I mean, complex and slick), and can be taken both or either literally (like in this section I took Fyodor’s words literally) or figuratively, assuming Fyodor and Dazai’s answers as being each a substitution for something else entirely. Until I reach that point further down this section, there are more examples that refer to Fyodor’s perception of his co-workers (note: for the manga, my points of reference are the official English translations):
1) in Dead Apple, Fyodor celebrated what he called the “newfound friendship” between him and Shibusawa in Dead Apple, thus calling Shibusawa a “friend”, which is further supported if we take into consideration certain BSD Mayoi card descriptions (“Dragon Head Feud” card description, or “Bundled up” card quote: “Oh my, it seems that Dazai-kun and Nakajima Atsushi-kun have managed to evade us today. Well, if Shibusawa-kun is happy, then I'm happy. I'm his friend, after all.”); however, if put back in the larger context, the benevolent character of this statement is debatable (see section B);
2) in ch42, Fyodor told Ace “My friends have taken over the outside corridors”, thus directly referring to his Rats in the House of the Dead as “friends”, even if the fact itself was a lie to pressure Ace towards his suicide;
3) in ch95.5, silently agreed to considering Nikolai a friend when Dazai complimented Nikolai’s prison game idea. There are two instances where Dazai mocked Fyodor about having a nice friend in Nikolai, both of them in this chapter, and only in the second one Fyodor played along, agreeing to Dazai’s claim, but one has to bear in mind that the two could have been mocking each other in both instances:
Nikolai, ch95.5 (fan translation): “The wish to save my friend is indeed very difficult to falter. That’s why I need to shatter this determination, such to prove the free will of homo sapiens!”
Dazai: “Seems like… you have a nice friend…”
Fyodor: “…”
–
Nikolai (after a few lines): “From now on, you two will be participating in a jail break duel!”
Dazai: “You indeed have a very good friend.”
Fyodor: “I know, right?”
Leaving the debate open as to whether Fyodor is genuine when using the term “friend” overall (see also bsd-bibliophile’s post here, further inspecting Fyodor and Nikolai’s interactions, as well as mentioning one instance of the term “friend”, used by Fyodor for Pushkin, being present in the fan translation, but not in the original Japanese text per se), all this information nonetheless supports the fact that Fyodor himself may not be oppressive towards others, and that his methods rather rely on communication, negotiation and manipulation. Indeed, strangely enough, for example when approaching someone new with the intent to work with them, Fyodor’s ways are all “clean talk”: no torture, no physical abuse, no threats, no intimidation or humiliation, no blood as of now (on the possibility of brainwashing, see section D below). Instead, Fyodor becomes the ideal smooth-talker and deal-maker when first recruiting others, perfectly reading into their soul and appealing to their most intimate desires (see section B above, as well as @gold-pavilion / akai-koutei ’s post here /oldhere, and there was a beautiful addition by @/goddessesofeverything here, but all reblogs of the original post were deleted and I cry). When approaching a clear target, however, there can be freshly spilt blood, for example 1) Mori getting stabbed (ch46), 2) Katai getting shot (ch49), and 3) Shibusawa getting his throat cut open (Dead Apple), in each case the action being done directly by Fyodor (firing the gun or holding the respective knives with his own hands). Lastly, if we take into consideration how Fyodor played along with Nikolai’s puns in vol.14’s omake, and how highly and affectionately he spoke about Sigma in ch74 and ch75, Fyodor’s actual dynamics with his subordinates or fellow Decay of the Angel members could potentially surprise the reader in future updates, because his polite and discreet nature do not seem to be a mere façade.
Another point needs to be addressed here, and it is whether or not we can safely use the word “care” to sum up Fyodor’s relationship towards his close co-workers (thank you, Sel @oddeyesight, for your questions that led me towards considering this aspect in more detail). First of all, one needs to acknowledge there are persons Fyodor worked with and then disposed of in the most indubitable way, like the mafioso he forced information from in ch51, indirectly all children in ch47 and directly the little girl with the grenades, whom he talked to via telephone prior to the events. Secondly, compared to them, there are characters that are closer to Fyodor, which Fyodor refers to as “friends” (so far, this applies to Pushkin, Ivan, Nathaniel, and indirectly consenting to calling Nikolai a friend; see the paragraph above). Looking at definitions of the noun “care” – “the process of looking after someone” and “the process of doing things to keep something in good condition and working correctly” (Longman dictionary) – the first definition I give as an example here can imply affection, whereas the second definition does not, and refers to an impartial instrumental approach. So far, from what I gathered, there is no canon basis to claim Fyodor cares about someone else in the first definition’s sense, only in the second. Until future manga chapters may or may not change this, I propose looking at Fyodor from another viewpoint: in relation to the antonym of “care” (neglect), and a closely-related noun, indifference. For this task I propose starting with the following scene from ch74, when Dazai deduced the Sky Casino’s origin and purpose:
Dazai: “It was made for two goals. As a base for the next terror attack and as “payment” for the use of Sigma’s skill. …Never waste a thing, do you?”
Fyodor: “Our boss does hate to be wasteful.”
By saying “Never waste a thing, do you?”, Dazai implied that Fyodor executed all the steps he deduced, yet Fyodor shaked this claim off, directing Dazai’s remark toward someone Fyodor called “our boss”. We, as readers, naturally think of Fukuchi, who is the leader of the Decay of the Angel in title, but I dare say the entire fandom does not buy this, as in everything else Fyodor still acts like the puppeteer determining the actions of all the group’s members, whether they know it (Nikolai and Sigma) or not (Fukuchi probably and Bram). Fyodor humbling himself and downplaying his importance is a recurring behaviour of his, in varying depictions such as in ch46 (Fyodor to Dazai: “I will not be the one who will bring down your two groups. It will be you yourselves”), in ch73’s cover artwork of Sigma holding cards (where Fyodor is not an Ace, not even a King, he is but a Jack of Spades), in ch77 (Fyodor to Dazai: “Me? I didn’t do anything. I just sat here and prayed… and those prayers were answered”; see section F for more). This aside, hiding the identity of Fyodor’s “boss” had at least two purposes: 1) keeping Fukuchi’s double identity hidden (both the Hunting Dogs leader and the Decay of the Angel leader) and 2) redirecting not only Dazai’s, but our attention too. Since Fyodor and Dazai imagine their actions as if within a mental game of chess, let us reconsider the fates of Fyodor’s pieces so far, which include both the Decay of the Angel members and the Rats in the House of the Dead:
1) Pushkin was apparently captured and eliminated from the “chess game” (lost piece, used and then captured by the enemy in ch53), and yet he is alive and well, even shamelessly spilling information to Ranpo to save his own skin, while being interrogated (ch54), providing him with the lead on Mushitaro. Despite leaking information, so far nobody was sent to “clean” Pushkin off the table (as in Mushitaro’s case, whom Nikolai said he was assigned to kill off at the end of ch56). Pushkin leaking information may be intentional as part of Fyodor’s plans, which means Pushkin’s role likely did not meet its end yet.
2) Ivan was apparently captured and eliminated from the “chess game” (lost piece, used and then captured by the enemy in ch53), and yet Ivan survived and is probably held somewhere alive; also, Ivan’s loyalty and “happiness” never wavered, not even when in Rashomon’s tight grip (ch53), which means his trust in Fyodor remained unchanged and he did not abandon his role of Fyodor’s servant and “head chamberlain” (ch52).
3) Mushitaro was, most probably, really supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: died in an exploding car after Nikolai’s surprise attack in ch56), yet he is still alive, last seen (iirc) safe in Poe’s mansion in ch78.5 (vol.18 bonus chapter at the end). Since Fyodor sent Nikolai to dispose of Mushitaro, it is rather clear Fyodor was not indifferent to Mushitaro staying alive, and now this is a loose end, one where Mushitaro survived and we do not know if this scenario has already been integrated in one of Fyodor’s larger schemes or if it will serve against Fyodor somehow later.
4) Nikolai was apparently supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: sawed in half in ch58), and yet he is very much alive and already influenced the current events of the manga drastically. Furthermore, in ch95.5, when Nikolai started explaining his prison game, Fyodor replied “So that’s what you’re planning”, as if the two already agreed upon Nikolai doing “something”, and apparently that “something” remained a surprise to Fyodor, hence his reply was phrased as a conclusion. Note how Nikolai’s action remaining a surprise reinforce Nikolai’s freedom and agency, and Fyodor allowed this and played along, despite how accurate to his character it would be to have deduced Nikolai’s possible actions already. Then again, it could be that Fyodor knew that Nikolai had to hear precisely that kind of reaction, in order to continue playing a role Fyodor secretly predicted for him. Later, in ch98, after Nikolai’s prison game started, when Fyodor was waiting for Chuuya to arrive, Nikolai asked him “It’s been five minutes since the game started. You aren’t gonna move? Can I take that to assume… your pieces are already moving?”. If Nikolai’s prison game is an independent consequence of him independently choosing not to die, then why would Nikolai smile as if in agreement with Fyodor, supposing that everything went as planned? The problem of free will remains unresolved and tightly knit into Nikolai’s character even in the current events.
5) Sigma was apparently supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: shot by Nathaniel in ch76), and just like Nikolai he is very much alive and playing a crucial role still unknown to us (in a conversation with Alex @vampireonastick I suggested that Sigma being on Dazai’s side of the prison game might be a well-disguised infiltration strategy already planned out by Fyodor, with whom Nikolai cooperates on this, despite Nikolai’s “sidequest” to kill Fyodor); we have an important hint as to how Sigma’s death was never required by Fyodor’s plan: the “roooooundtable” from ch64. It is indeed highly probable that the entire “all-smiles problem-solving rooooundtable” session proposed and moderated by Fyodor was his masked suggestion (masked from the guards!) of creating a unique substitution code that only he and Dazai would be able to communicate in, as @fantastic-rambles analysed more in-depth here. And just like @mydearestt noticed in this post here that, through his reply, Dazai in fact referred to his plan to make the Agency move, the same can be assumed in Fyodor’s case. To remember the dialogue, I shall copy the revelant part here below:
Dazai: “Me next. “I tried asking the café waitress out, but she won’t bend an inch. What should I do?”
Fyodor: “Make her lose her job and home, trick her family into disowning her and she’s bound to come crawling to you.”
I propose reading this sequence as referring to Sigma entirely, because: 1) Sigma, much like a waitress, was contained and bound to his workplace, the casino, unwilling to leave once there, no matter who asked; 2) Fyodor set up the entire scenario of making Sigma lose his job AND home in the most literal sense by completely destabilizing the casino; 3) by doing unbecoming irreversible actions, Sigma secured his own family rejecting him, and all ties were cut with Sigma’s “death”, yet Sigma survived – equally destabilized, he ended up in a situation where, if Fyodor would have granted him another wish, Sigma would not have refused, naturally seeking the one person who may still have power to grant wishes as grand and Sigma’s, and that is still Fyodor, who both gave and took Sigma’s home. This being said, like Alex @vampireonastick theorized in their post here, I strongly believe Dazai strategically manipulates Sigma in the prison game, “shaping” him to defy Fyodor, the person he would otherwise “crawl back to”. However, since Fyodor chooses his words with utmost care all the time, no matter if truthful or deceiving, I personally doubt Fyodor would carelessly share his strategy (disguised as the grimest relationship advice) without it already being implemented into a larger scheme, in which Dazai acts upon the words he hears from Fyodor (and Dazai already did so twice in this arc, firstly by choosing Sigma, secondly by “building up” Sigma for his eventual refusal of Fyodor). What Dazai perhaps does not expect is the fact that Fyodor himself already talked to Sigma in ways that reinforce Sigma’s agency: for example, in ch73, Fyodor directly told Sigma that, should the Hunting Dogs attack the casino, Sigma should run as he would have no chance of winning; Sigma, on the contrary, remembering Fyodor’s words – not once, but twice in the chapter –, was pushed only more vehemently to defending his casino, thus acting on his own and defying Fyodor already, a reaction Fyodor most likely anticipated when making Sigma hear his “advice as a co-worker” (in Fyodor’s own words, ch73). In the end, regardless of the content of Fyodor’s words, it seems his kidnapper from ch42 offered honest advice to Karma: “Watch out… If you talk to him, he’ll pluck your mind out”. Despite how there is no proof of an actual “plucking of the mind” action yet (see section D), Fyodor’s words (often, if not always) twist the minds of those around him in a way that, paradoxically, both acknowledges and denies them their free will, encouraging decisions that seem free to the agent, but are already predicted and known to Fyodor (and in this, I must admit, Fyodor bears a resemblance to an omniscient god; however, his canon dialogues often convey a different role, a tension I discus in section F). In this light, I wonder if Dazai had this behaviour before too and acted upon words he heard from Fyodor in previous instances, such as the Mutual Destruction arc.
6) Nathaniel was apparently eliminated from the “chess game” entirely (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: captured in Anne’s room of no return in ch76), yet this does not imply he is dead, which begs the question if Anne’s room, the Agency’s only true safe space, is now compromised, as me and Alex wondered here (see also the reblogs and replies to their post).
One thing I want to remark here is that, despite how clear it is that Fyodor “moved” all these “chess pieces” already (only number 3 to 6 are relevant in this case), in ch76, right after Nathaniel got captured, as Atsushi and Lucy were celebrating their victory, Ango explained to them how the events at the casino were no victory, and how instead everything played as Fyodor has planned, claiming that Fyodor has not made any move yet:
Ango, ch76: “We lost because you let Sigma die. Now we have no leads to the Page. And… the Hunting Dogs saw us try to rescue him. In their eyes, that likely looked like the Detective Agency helping their terrorist allies. Our plan failed and we’ve only sowed more doubt. This is likely exactly as Dostoyevsky planned. Frankly… I can’t stop shaking. Until now, he moved none of his pawns and gave us no room to deal with him. (…)”
As I shall leave Ango analysis to Alex @vampireonastick like in this post here, I will return to the fact that so far the only true “chess piece” that Fyodor ever truly let die was Shibusawa. Then, to sum up, when his co-workers fulfilled their purpose and no use nor entertainment can be obtained from them anymore, Fyodor’s pattern seems to be leaving said co-workers with apparent indifference to their well-being, often abandoning them in a state or situation that is destructive to them (Shibusawa is the clearest example, but it applies to all other aforementioned characters as well). However, the twist is that none of these characters did reach the end of their assigned roles yet (and we may wonder if they will ever do that), given that Pushkin, Ivan, Nikolai, Sigma, Nathaniel and even Mushitaro are all alive and healthy. Consindering all this, the way BSD is narrated becomes even more interesting, because the reader would naturally project treating others as expendable on Fyodor, where in fact it is more accurate to Dazai’s character to act this way (and he did and does act that way, as @linkspooky pointed out in detail in their post here). Back to Fyodor’s “our boss does hate to be wasteful” line, while still just an interpretation, it would make sense that Fyodor refers to himself or his ability (if it’s a separate conscious being, see section G) as “our boss”, because all this information suggests that Fyodor himself hates to be wasteful, and that, excepting Shibusawa, Fyodor never wasted even a single pawn of his. That means Fyodor never neglects his co-workers (whom he calls friends!) and is never truly indifferent to them, albeit in an instrumental way, given that there is no proof yet that Fyodor’s care towards his co-workers is affectionate in nature. Let us close this section with a treat, though: in ch51 and ch53, there are two panels of a teacup with three teaspoons to its left. Differing greatly from the anime, albeit delivering the same subtle deception, these three teaspoons help in fooling the reader into thinking that Ivan poured tea in Fyodor’s cup, placed the teacup in front of him and then Fyodor consumed that tea, together with the jam that filled all three teaspoons at first (ch51). Given that 1) Ivan prepared the tea with three teaspoons of jam and 2) at the restaurant, Fyodor drank his tea exactly like that, with three teaspoons of jam, from this we can deduce Ivan is very familiar with Fyodor’s tea-drinking habits, which in turn leads us to the very likely idea that Fyodor and Ivan (if not also together with other members of the Rats in the House of the Dead) frequently had tea together, or Ivan prepared tea for Fyodor often enough to memorize his precise habits. The latter would support Ivan’s self-proclaimed status as Fyodor’s “head chamberlain” (ch52), suggesting that their group lived as family and / or nobility in the same house, if the definition of “chamberlain” is taken into consideration (Longman Dictionary: “chamberlain, an important official who managed the house of a king or queen in the past”).
D. No confirmation yet that he is brainwashing others and why this is relevant
Speaking of his methods of acquiring new collaborators, so far, it is most certain that Fyodor is not brainwashing people: not Fukuchi, not Nikolai, not Sigma, not Karma, not Pushkin, and certainly not the little girl with the grenades, even though the anime depicted the scene differently (in the manga’s ch47, a flashback appears where Fyodor talks to the little girl via telephone, thus he does not simply appear in her clouded mind like in the anime’s S3ep9).
But two characters Fyodor works with are in a very ambiguous position as of now: Ivan and Nathaniel. To begin with, Ivan’s case is very tricky at the moment. In ch53, he openly told Akutagawa that “my master cut out all the parts of his brain that feel unhappiness”. What can I say except our dear Vanya here is a lil’ crazy. I find his replies rather unreliable at the moment, because he is the only Fyodor-subordinate who is behaving like an intoxicated bacchant for now. While the ch53 quote is singular and, therefore, I cannot make anything of it, there is another thing that needs to be considered: in ch52, as he was walking away from Akutagawa and Atsushi, Ivan told them “I will not forget you. …No… You will now serve as part of my master’s joyful order”, but immediately after that he added “after 10 more steps, I will most likely forget your faces”. Apparent self-contradiction aside, whether he meant “forget your faces” literally or not, Nathaniel, too, went through an apparent mind-reset, as he did not recognize Akutagawa in ch46 and appears to have lost his entire personality except for his devotion to Margaret Mitchell and his determination to save her life. Now, mind-resetting and brainwashing are not the same, and removing a part of one’s brain or mind that is responsible for a specific emotion is, likewise, something entirely different. The manga did not give us further examples of similar things that Fyodor apparently had a role to play in, so I cannot present anything new here, only speculation. We also do not know if these effects are caused by Fyodor himself (without using his ability at all, much like he could simply talk Ace into his own suicide in ch42) or Fyodor’s ability specifically. This simply limits my current analysis of Fyodor’s methods to the beforementioned “communication, negotiation, manipulation” trio, which is not dependent nor related to his ability, and I will update these parts if the manga later reveals that Fyodor did indeed mold the conscience or minds of other people into whatever shape or state he desired. Until then, he is literally just a genius smooth-talker, and I refrain from making rash affirmations or going into more speculation here.
E. He loves and lives for entertainment
So many canon lines convey Fyodor’s love for entertainment. It is more specifically entertainment in a “good literature” sense, meaning conflict, tension, intensity of will and emotions, devotion, despair and generally human beings fighting for their needs or to solve their problems of many different, often opposing kinds. Let us take Fyodor’s own words as references. First of all, at the beginning of the Dead Apple movie, as younger Chuuya destroyes the entire building in which he and Dazai found Shibusawa the first time, Fyodor watched the scene from a safe distance, on top of a building. All he did was “absorb” the whole event with utter satisfaction, concluding the scene with his line “This is too much fun”. The motif is repeated several times in the Dead Apple movie, linking his own enjoyment of whatever chaos unfolds to “fun” and “entertainment”, so this line is not the sole evidence that entertainment is greatly valued by Fyodor, as it is the thing opposed to boredom, which constantly eats away at his and Dazai’s hearts because of their superhuman intellect. As Fyodor was getting the two most important ability gems ready for his and Dazai’s plan, Fyodor tells Dazai “Would you not agree that the more entertainment there is, the better?” (dub); moreover, at the end of the movie, his lines highlight the privileged spot of “entertainment” in his understanding of the world around him again:
Fyodor (sub): “Everything is but entertainment. But in order to end this world, rife with crime and punishment, I do need that book. The blank novel sleeping in this town.”
Fyodor (dub):“Everything is just entertainment. However, this world is so rife with crime and punishment… In order to finally end it, I do need that novel. This special book that sleeps somewhere within this city.”
However, paying close attention to his words, we need to consider the possibility that in this instance Dead Apple either contradicts or deceives the watcher greatly, because in the manga Fyodor’s goal is clearly referring to “saving the world”, not “ending the world” (see also section G, near the end, for more on Fyodor’s possible motivation).
Now, in the manga (ch63), Fyodor stated that he openly refused to devise a perfect plan (as demanded by another Decay of the Angel member, possibly Fukuchi) because perfection is boring (Fyodor, ch63: “A Decay comrade asked me for the perfect plan… but perfect is so boring. I won’t be able to view the karma of humanity like this”). While at first glance one could be surprised by this statement, especially considering that “God prefers perfection and harmony”, in Fyodor’s own words from ch77 (see section G where I expand on this specifically), both lines (perfection is boring + God favours perfection) could potentially be extremely deceiving: since the Agency knows Fyodor is involved in crafting the Decay of the Angel’s plan, it is probably this implication that leads, for example, Kyouka in ch63 to tell Atsushi that their plan is “extensive and flawless”, and Atsushi’s inner monologue, as a response, appears together with a panel of a faceless Fyodor pulling strained strings in the darkness. If everyone expects Fyodor to be perfect and to create flawless strategies, an opponent like Dazai could include unpredictable, irrational or impulsive actions in his own strategies to outsmart him, as Dazai describes his appreciative acknowledgement of this behaviour he finds in other people (Dazai to Fyodor, ch77: “What’s driving the world are those in the storm of accidental events who scream, run and spill blood. Faced with their souls, you and I should be petrified with fear”; more on this specific dialogue in the next paragraph). But knowing this reaction would be triggered, Fyodor could always integrate imperfections in his plans, leaving his opponents with the impression that they act in the right way, on their free will, when in fact nothing they do has not been already considered by Fyodor (holding true to his lines from ch42). Personality-wise, the “perfection is boring” line becomes relevant if (and only if) Fyodor really, truly means it literally, and 1) does not say it just to tell what his opponent(s) (or the reader themselves) would want or expect to hear, without meaning it, or 2) does not say it as some kind of reverse-psychology, without personal attachment, to trigger predictable reactions in his opponent(s) (again, see section G for a continuation of this particular discussion). As a last example to support the idea of Fyodor loving entertainment, finding both fun and beauty in it, when a very shocked Dazai was asking Fyodor about the reason (“for what?”) for his stupefying strategic moves (the coin bombs, staging the casino as the battleground etc.), Fyodor only replied “Isn’t it more beautiful that way?”.
Now, ch77 presents us with a dialogue between Fyodor and Dazai which seems easy to understand at first, but becomes increasingly complex the more one dwells on it. To remember the full context clearly again, I shall sum it up and add the full relevant quote here: after Fyodor told Dazai that “God favours perfection and harmony”, after which it is confirmed that the Page was also used for changing all the world’s police and investigative agencies not to act upon evidence of someone framing the Agency, a parallel is shown with Tachihara who, inside his heart, decided to finally identify fully as part of the Port Mafia, exiting the inner state of being a Hunting Dog (military police force), thus existing the Page’s influence. Tachihara’s situation exemplifies what Dazai then explains to Fyodor:
Dazai, ch77: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Siding with God sure didn’t teach you much!”
Fyodor: “…Let’s hear it.”
Dazai: “‘Perfection and harmony’? To God, those amount to a hill of beans. I saw it many times. All HE offers is happenstance and absurdity. A weakness… shared by the two of us… For all our ingenious plans, in the end we’ve wound up here, in a deep-level prison. What’s driving the world are those in the storm of accidental events who scream, run and spill blood. Faced with their souls, you and I should be petrified with fear. (after POV change to Tachihara) You’re right. People are sinful and foolish. But… they aren’t as boring as you think they are.”
In Dazai’s dialogue, I put in bold two quotes that need to be inspected. The first one refers to Dazai pointing out a weakness the two geniuses share, which refers to the primacy of the accidental in reality, as opposed to the predictability both Fyodor and Dazai operate with in all their plans, which can make the world seem trapped in an inescapable causality rationally-accesible to those with an intellect such as theirs. Dazai “bets” against Fyodor on this cruel primacy of “happenstance and absurdity”, where reason fails to follow the exact consequences of each event or human action, and yet the nuances and risks of this “bet” I already exposed in the paragraph above. In this context, Dazai seems indeed to talk about this weakness in an admirative, even hopeful tone, despite the fact that he shares it; for a brilliant exposition on Dazai (both the author and his BSD counterpart) in relation to sin and weakness, I wholeheartedly recommend reading Kat’s (@pompompurin1028) essay here. When Dazai stated this, a flashback to Odasaku’s fight with André Gide is shown, which can be interpreted as that one time Dazai’s predictions held true, yet still Odasaku chose to fight Gide, fully aware of the end, driven only by what I would call here human subjective drive. Such human subjective drive, independent from reason and logic, is what awakened in Tachihara as well: if Odasaku served as an example of “defeating” Dazai by exploiting his vulnerability to the (uncontrollable) accidental, then Tachihara served as an example of “defeating” Fyodor’s precautious plans by unexpectedly exiting the Page’s influence. In the end, this parallel can become unbalanced if Fyodor already included this kind of variables in his plans and works not ignoring, but embracing human individuality and spontaneity, which I would argue is (paradoxically) more likely the case, for what I exposed in sections B and C.
As for the second quote I put in bold, there are at least the following examples that render Dazai’s assumption (that Fyodor considers people boring) untrue: 1) in ch75, Fyodor openly praised Sigma, carefully examining his personal torment, placing him not only above the Hunting Dogs, but also above Dazai and himself, as well as “all of creation” ; 2) in ch78, in a flashback, as a reaction to (presumably listening to) Nikolai’s inner struggle, Fyodor replied “That’s wonderful”, smiling and tilting his head (see section B, as well as H for the significance of the tilt of the head); 3) in ch80, Fyodor described the Agency “as beautiful as the evening sunlight (…)”. If people are indeed boring to Fyodor, he would not find their struggles and states worthy of deeper consideration, lengthy speeches of praise or expressive, poetic comparisons (admittedly with a dash of pity and sarcasm towards the fate of the Agency). So far, Fyodor is never shown expressing boredom in the presence of other people, quite the contrary: he is shown expressing sincere interest, as if each human is a case study, an enigma to be unravelled, much like Fyodor himself is to me, and to us within the BSD community (therefore I chose that specific fragment from F.M. Dostoyevsky’s letters to start my essay with, as a motto; there is much more to be said about that, but I reserve that for another possible future essay, where it would be necessary to discuss Fyodor’s character in light of his corresponding author’s biography, personality and literary works as a whole). And so, I would argue that to Fyodor humans are not boring, but providers of entertainment worthy of attention and inspection, even more so when they play a role in his plans (and it seems everybody is playing on a stage set by Fyodor so far).
Fyodor is also quite fond of not only perceiving events or circumstances as games (like his mental chess game with Dazai in prison, starting in ch63, always mirroring the course of everyone’s actions outside), but also proposing this approach to others (his rooooundtable in ch64 and his card guessing contest with Ace in ch42), albeit not carelessly, as each time such – yeah, I cannot avoid it at this point, I’m a gamer myself, here it comes *inhales deeply* – each time such gamer approach has a multifaceted utility and never strays from serving Fyodor’s two main purposes, achieving his plan to cleanse the world of abilities, and having fun (yes). Killing boredom via playing games, especially when in the company of a person on the same level, seems to be the first move Fyodor does when faced with monotony (even in vol. 20’scredit page, where Fyodor said “I’m bored. Let’s play twenty questions”, even if Dazai immediately delivers the final answer “Snow White”, and thus Fyodor retracted his idea with “Actually let’s not”, as Dazai’s superhuman intellect killed the fun too fast).
To look into two examples just a bit more, in ch64, during his roooooundtable with Dazai, Fyodor suggested “Next, let’s ask a question at the same time”, which appeared to be innocently fun, because it challenges two persons, in this case a native and a non-native speaker of Japanese, to coordinate their spelling just for the amusement of simultaneity; then, in ch97, as Nikolai’s deadly prison game was about to start, Fyodor lamented the outcome he was confidently foreseeing: “Yet losing a chess opponent in the next 30 minutes is still quite sad”, saying this teasingly, still talking as if in the context of his and Dazai’s mental chess game. On a last, entertaining note, because why not, this entire section might as well serve as proof that Fyodor is cat-coded, just like Dazai (see @wintertaurus ’s post here, where they scientifically prove this, I don’t make the rules), despite being the leader of the Rats in the House of the Dead, and so one more fine example of a fictional INTJ further strengthens the definition of INTJs as “human cats”.
F. Humble, not arrogant. Self-proclaimed god or servant of God?
Starting with the latter half of this section’s title, that is a very tricky subject, in fact, because we as manga readers can observe both 1) one line that established a connection early-on between Fyodor and calling himself “a god” if God is dead and 2) many lines by which Fyodor is actually displaying behaviour and speech akin to a self-aware servant of God. Let us begin with the first one. So, in the first chapter dedicated to showing Fyodor to the readers in more detail (ch42), and only in the original Japanese version and the fan translation, the first page of the chapter together with the last page feature a quote from F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Demons. The quote put together is “If God does not exist, I am a god”, which is part of a dialogue by the character Alexei Nilych Kirilov (“Если нет бога, то я бог”, see Part Three, chapter VI, II). Perhaps a beautiful coincidence, but in this exact wording that the fan translation chose, the quote also appears in Albert Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus, chapter “Absurd Creation”, subchapter “Kirilov”, where the French author discusses F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Demons and the mentioned character, Alexei Nilych Kirilov. There, Camus calls that line “Kirilov’s premise”. In retrospect, this is a very puzzling line to appear associated with Fyodor, or rather appear as spoken or thought by him, giving the ambiguity of the quote’s placement on the pages. It is also puzzling because until now BSD gave us a character who seems like a better candidate for using that quote or being a reference to Kirilov, and by that I mean of course Nikolai. Moreover, the way Fyodor talks about or mentions God in dialogues that are clearly spoken by him later (I shall discuss examples in the paragraphs and sections below) very much conveys the message that Fyodor does not think God is dead, invoking him over and over (whether he is referring to the Judeo-Christian God or simply “a god” is not yet addressed in the manga). Still, the most striking information about this quote remains the fact that it is not featured in the official English translation at all. For comparison, I shall put an image with the last page in both versions below, and you can see the scan of the Japanese first page of ch42 here.
As we are walking on quicksand with this one, let us move on to the second point I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph, about Fyodor as a servant of God. Because of his mission, of which he speaks as if it is of a higher calling, of divine nature, Fyodor also appears to see himself as a servant, namely a servant of God (servus Dei). He has the mind and the skill to carry out a mission of divine proportions (for us readers still an ambiguous goal: Fyodor, ch46: “And I will use that Book to make a world free of sin and skill users”, where “skill” means the same as “ability” and “gift”, as the fandom is used to these terms more). This, in turn, could have made him develop a strong sense of responsibility and a feeling of authority. As we are currently following the “servant” train of thought, these (sense of responsibility and authority) are not to be confused with what is called a “god-complex”, a slang expression which loosely corresponds to different actual psychological disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, a thing Fyodor does not display core traits of. As of now, Fyodor remains surprisingly humble, discreet and respectfully formal both in speech (see @looking-for-stray-dogs’s posts here and here) and in gestures (see section H, on Fyodor’s body language), he acknowledges the possibility of imperfections and even welcomes them (ch63), he was never portrayed as becoming irritated at others (except his eyes expressing either anger or furious determination, as Dazai attempts to drown him and Chuuya in ch101), he is not a show-off and is indifferent to being adored or agreed with, and he knows how to take criticism elegantly when Dazai holds different opinions or outwits him. It is true that his grandiose “divine” goal, his frequent use of manipulation, and his apparent omnisciency and unbreakable composure give enough space to speculate regarding an underlying “god-complex” in his character (together with the ambiguous use of the quote discussed in the paragraph above), but the reader must acknowledge that, in all his replies, Fyodor refers to himself as if to a servant of God par excellence, as is the most evident in his ch77 reply to Dazai: “Me? I didn’t do anything. I just sat here and prayed… and those prayers were answered”.
This direct self-characterization, too, plays against him having an actual “god-complex”. I would say that, by building on the humble yet powerful servus Dei image, if at all intentional, Asagiri presents us a far more complex character in Fyodor. For example, one of the many important subjects in Biblical exegesis, since the beginning centuries of Christianity, was how Jesus Christ, the Son of God, took upon himself the role of servant of God (see Philippians, 2, 6-7), but also of all humans (see the Washing of the Feet), and so humility and divine power become two closely tied ideas. In the manga’s context, Fyodor’s own humility can also have an added disturbing effect on the reader because of the implied power that coexists with it.
On the topic of the “arrogant villain” stereotype, I myself cannot find instances where Fyodor is, per se, arrogant. Longman Dictionary defines “arrogant” as “behaving in an unpleasant or rude way because you think you are more important than other people”, but we know for a fact that Fyodor behaves far from rude and unpleasant to others. Quite the contrary, he is humble and considerate, as can be deduced from his way of using the Japanese language (see the references linked in the paragraph above). He is never portrayed denigrating, humiliating or belittling someone else thus far. What is true is that Fyodor considers his goal (and not necessarily himself unless the manga reveals the opposite in the future) superior to anyone and anything on Earth, and this accentuates his heavy use of smooth manipulation instead of inflating his ego, actually hiding his true self behind more and more layers of words and actions he uses out of necessity to reach his higher goal. If we speculate that Fyodor is indeed (Orthodox) Christian and familiar with this doctrine, then it would be no surprise why Fyodor would cultivate humility instead of pride in general, as pride (superbia) is the beginning of all sin (Sirach, 10, 15) and when pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom (Proverbs, 11, 3). To sum up, I cannot find any manga panel where Fyodor is acting in an arrogant way, so I reached the conclusion that anything related to his arrogance, his stubbornness, his rudeness or, by extension, his superiority-complex is headcanon-territory at least for now. Only in chess did Dazai mention the “maliciousness” of Fyodor’s move while playing mental chess with him (ch72), and this malicious trait can refer to the bold and shocking way in which Fyodor attacks by directly using his King instead of other chess pieces (for a detail exposition of their chess moves, see @blackandwhitemusician ’s post here). Interestingly, Fyodor does indeed reply with “Malice is the greatest fruit God ever gave to man”, yet from what I gathered so far we still have yet to see a true act of malice from Fyodor, that is, an malicious action done for the sake of malice itself, and not for the sake of his higher goal demanding sacrifices or attacks on rival organizations. Lastly, from the current content one can safely deduce Fyodor is individualistic (in contrast to Dazai who seems to learn to rely on others, but once again I shall point to @linkspooky’s post here to underline how, as they said, “Dazai doesn’t work together with others, he manipulates for the greater good”, emphasis in bold mine), but it would take more manga updates to make a step further and pinpoint Fyodor’s egoism or narcissism if he has any of these traits at all in himself, and not in how others portray him when they think about him (how Atsushi imagines him in ch63, or Ango in ch77, or Ranpo in ch95). Not only does Fyodor break antagonist stereotypes with these traits, but – still keeping the quote analyzed in the beginning of this section in mind – he continues to embody shockingly contrasting ideas all within himself, which takes us to the next section of this essay.
G. A strange divergence inside Fyodor. Is he a singularity?
Before I reach the point I want to present here, I suggest we reflect once more upon that unforgettable scene. Continuing in the atmosphere of the ideas from the paragraphs before, it is also important to remember how, in Dead Apple, Fyodor said “I am crime”, whereas his ability said “I am punishment”, and none of these imply Fyodor is seeing himself as a god incarnate who applies punishment, only that there is an open possibility that his ability, if it is an independent being/soul, might see itself as such, i.e. a force to punish others and/or to punish Fyodor himself. This would assign Fyodor himself the role of an agent serving someone or something else (presumably his own ability). About this, a quick note must be made here: since this is a piece of Japanese media, the word “god” can end up referring to something else rather than the Judeo-Christian God (whose name I always capitalize in this post, to emphasize the difference). We do not really know to what god Fyodor refers to all the time,��who or what it is, or if said god’s identity remains the same throughout the manga. In this post, I chose to work with the assumption that Fyodor is Orthodox and refers to the Judeo-Christian God. Despite this assumption, I find the relationship between him and his ability truly intriguing, even more so if we put this discussion in the context of “singularities”, also known as “self-contradictory-ability-types”. Now, so far there are two clear instances where self-contradictions are implied in his dialogue, one of them being this scene from Dead Apple, the other one becoming evident when we connect Fyodor’s replies in ch63 (left) and ch77 (right).
Fyodor, ch63: “A Decay comrade asked me for the perfect plan… but perfect is so boring. I won’t be able to view the karma of humanity like this.”
Fyodor, ch77: “You pulled the strings of conspiracy yourself, no? But God prefers perfection and harmony. Thus, I followed the heart of God and added one line to the page.”
By openly giving contradictory information, to me this is exactly an occurrence of a stark divergence within Fyodor, so let us give it our complete attention in what follows. Firstly, there is the possibility that Fyodor could choose to say something intentionally if he would directly benefit from the receiver hearing those exact words, even if Fyodor’s own belief lies somewhere else entirely (so the question to that remains open: what does Fyodor truly think about perfection, imperfection and God?). Secondly, in Dead Apple, we see Fyodor and his ability merge back together, from two bodies back into one single body, and this action seems completely voluntary on their part, thus opening the possibility that Fyodor and his ability could manifest separately when they will it. This makes me wonder if each of them can take over their shared body (in turns) when they will it, so that one of the lines reflects Fyodor’s way of thinking, and the other line reflects his ability’s way of thinking, thus the two statements are made in separate frames, resulting in no contradictions being made if, and only if, Fyodor and his ability control the shared body in turns. Even so, because they coexist, the ingredients for a singularity are already there within Fyodor, given this example and the Dead Apple scene, because Fyodor and his ability each identify with a term that contradicts the other (“crime” and “punishment”), with a possible implied superiority or “victory” on his ability’s part (the “punishment” bringing the “crime” to an end, lastly “killing” it on a conceptual level, in a succession that implies a linear flow of time). It would be all the more logical, in this context, for Fyodor to desire victory over his own ability at all costs. How his goal is worded in the Dead Apple Official Guidebook, as pointed out by @aja154ever here, could also indicate a suspicious tension between Fyodor and his ability: “To create a world without Abilities is his desire, and it is a mystery if this has any connection to his Crime and Punishment Ability” (see the quote’s full paragraph on his ability in their other post here). For important references from the light novels on what singularities are, how they come into being and how they can manifest, as well as a wonderful theory on the possibility of Dazai being a singularity himself, see @beans-beneath-moonlight ‘s post here. To close this chain of ideas, indeed on the open possibility of Fyodor being a singularity too, I want to mention what @beans-beneath-moonlight observed in their post too, namely that in the BSD light novel 55 Minutes, there is also “Gab”, Jules Verne's ability that took over and killed him, continuing to live on its own as a separate being, so abilities existing separetely from their user’s bodies, as well as malicious abilities that can turn against their users, both can exist in the BSD universe. Lastly, I put just one useful, but short reference below, on a singularity’s cause and terminology:
Professor N in the BSD light novel Storm Bringer: “By causing a logical conflict with your own ability instead of with someone else’s ability, you can create a singularity,” as he said that Professor N raised his index finger and twirled it around. “That sort of ability. The German researchers who first discovered this, had named it ‘self-contradictory-ability-type’.
There is one last relevant dialogue I want to analyze here. Below are all of Fyodor’s words from his first appearance in ch12:
Official translation – Fyodor, ch12: “It’s all as I predicted. No matter what happens, we reserve the right to do as we please. Just as the hand of God and demon wills it…”
Fan translation – Fyodor, ch12: “Everything is going as expected. In any case... you are now given free reign... as indicated by the right hand of God and the demons.”
Notice how the official translation says “the hand of God and demon” (demon is singular), while the fan translation says “the (right) hand of God and the demons” (demons is plural). I asked @popopretty for their advice as to how to understand this line better and, according to them, the Japanese quote allows for the noun “demon” to be translated either way. I shall put their answer below:
@popopretty: (…) according to the Japanese version I have, the original phrase for that last sentence is “神と悪霊の右手が示しす通りに”, which directly translates to “as the right hand of God and demons show/point to”. There is no word to indicate that the word demon is singular or plural, but looking at the context, I think it is safe to assume that its plural. It says “right hand” here, which I believe because the phrase “right hand of God” is used a lot in Bible. It doesn’t make much different compared to the “hand of God” though, so I think the translation you quoted is close enough.
I agree that the chapter’s context, as well as the two coated shadows behind Fyodor, allow for an undertanding where “demons”, in plural, refers to Fyodor’s co-workers within his organization, Rats in the House of the Dead. However, since the official translation opted for “demon” in singular, I want to explore the other possibility here: what would it imply if “demon” is indeed meant to be singular here? I would connect this to what is stated to be Fyodor’s motto in the Dead Apple Official Guidebook “Mist Records”: “Follow the guidance of God’s hand”, as translated by @looking-for-stray-dogs here, or “Let the hand of God guide you”, according to the BSD wiki. It seems Fyodor’s character is connected once again to the symbol of the hand, specifically the manus Dei or dextera Dei, which, in art history, indicates divine intervention, divine approval, divine acceptance, as well as God’s – the Creator’s – omnipotence (see, for example, Acts, 7, 50: “nonne manus mea fecit haec omnia?” – “was it not my hand that created all these <things>?”). The hand of God can not only refer to God (the Father) himself, but also to God (the Son), appointing him to his right hand’s side (as prophecized), which means divinely appointing him as both his “representative” and “equal” (“sede a dextris meis donec ponam inimicos tuos scabillum pedum tuorum”, which, mot-a-mot, would go something like this: “sit to my right hand’s side until I put your enemies as the footstool of your feet”, which is Psalm 109, 1 in the Biblia Vulgata, a verse invoked by Christ himself in Matthew, 22, 44, marking a fascinating continuity between the Old and the New Testament). So, considering this information, the expression “the hand of God and demon”, referring to the subject or entity who “wills” whatever it wills, establishes not only a connection, but a shocking equality between the nouns “God” and “demon”, as the hand belongs to both of them. By definition, the two nouns cannot be synonyms, under no condition, thus the subject of the action makes no valid sense and cannot be an actual conceivable “being” without an external reader’s interpretation (like this one I am trying to unfold). Following on that, what can exist or be conceived in the human mind is someone or something whose “being” implies the contradictory yet inseparable coexistence of someone / something that possesses godly traits and someone / something that possesses demonic traits. Therefore, I interpret the expression “the hand of God and demon” as referring to Fyodor himself, or, more precisely, Fyodor’s existence, which implies him and his ability together, where one represents the “god” and the other the “demon”, although it is still unclear which is which. Given all this, I propose the theory that Fyodor is a singularity, just like Dazai (continuing in the spirit of @beans-beneath-moonlight ‘s theory post I referenced before).
Moving on from the singularity discussion, based on Dead Apple’s “I am crime. I am punishment” scene once again, one can only be certain that the link between “sin”, “ability” and “punishment” becomes even stronger, but apparently so does the link between “human” and “crime”. It is no surprise that the famous nouns of the literary work are used for this scene, nouns that can refer to both the active and the passive component of the implied action (commiting a crime vs being the victim of a crime; applying punishment vs receiving punishment). This begs the questions: would freeing the world of abilities also liberate Fyodor of his own punishment (whatever it is, if it exists at all)? does “freeing” the world of abilities even imply “killing” the gifted, and if yes, would that lead Fyodor to a final act of self-sacrifice (or, closer to the etimology of the word “sacrifice”, an act of making the offered thing sacred – himself in this scenario, together with all the gifted)? If we take into account how Fyodor concluded that he and newly “scouted” member Nathaniel Hawthrone “will cover this land in the blood of the sinners” (ch37), together with what Fyodor said as he and Karma looked at Ace’s hanged corpse (ch42, Fyodor: “Thinking is a crime. Breathing is a crime”, or, in the anime’s dub, S3ep4, “Crime starts with thought. As natural as breathing”, emphasizing the naturality of whatever Fyodor identified as humanity’s “crime”), as well as what Nathaniel chanted as he was on his assassination jobs (ch46, to Fukuzawa: “Death! Death! Death to the skill users! An eternal underground sleep with no awakening!”, as well as ch46, to Akutagawa: “Death! Death! Death to the skill users! … To revive my beloved, I must execute the contract of death”), then we have canon ground to believe the death of all gifted is necessary after all, yet Fyodor never uses such expression. It is always “freeing”, “offering the salvation of death to the evil” (note how he does not say “the gifted”), “granting the great silence”, like in how Fyodor talks to Karma in S3ep4: “All evils that plague this world will receive the mercy of death”, “I will do you the honour of granting you the great silence”, “May you be free from the shackles of your crimes, and your soul be salvaged”. This raises another problem: Fyodor himself, as he says, applies cleansing, purification, salvation, liberation, but his ability clearly refers to these acts as “punishment” instead, which is a completely different concept in a religious context as well. So far, once again, this marks a divergence between Fyodor and his ability, another clear moment when the ability seems to behave like a different entity than its user, with a different perception of what the ability itself does (one possibility being, what to Fyodor is “freeing”, to his ability is “punishment”, or that his ability’s “punishment” is a “cleansing” or “freeing” in a corrupted sense of the words). As a closing remark regarding Fyodor’s goal in general, there is still a lot of room to speculate on its true nature if we consider the possibility of Fyodor opposing not the Agency, nor the Port Mafia, but first and foremost the military and different governments who 1) already have a bloody history of using ability users in the war (as implied by Yosano’s backstory and the bits of Fukuchi’s backstory), 2) had (and might still have) special laboratories researching and even artificially creating ability users or researching ways to exploit singularities (BSD Storm Bringer), 3) may have massproduced abilities of specific destructive types, according to one war story of Fukuchi’s past merits (ch82, when we are told he led an operation to eliminate 100.000 “skill-based ‘werewolf’ test subjects”, with Teruko and Jouno visible alongside Fukuchi in the panel describing this – one hundred thousand “test subjects”! for what?), 4) was aware of or working according to an entire skill doctrine, already developed and, I assume, generally-known at the time Mori used Yosano, a mere child, as his slave to achieve his Immortal Regiment plan, meant to prove that abilities are indeed suitable for use in war (ch65). In relation to this, we could take into account the possibility of Fyodor being repulsed by Ace’s behaviour in ch42 (as suggested by certain expressions of Fyodor in the manga), given that Ace represented the perfect example of someone using other people without any consideration of the weight of their lives, their personhood and their inner world. If this is the “evil” that Fyodor wants to purge from this world, and if making abilities disappear, one way or another, would make him accomplish this “greater good” (ending the use and abuse of ability users worldwide), then we are all the more justified in weighing the morality of anyone involved in this large scheme, starting with those implied in Natsume’s Tripartite Framework, supposed to maintain peace in Yokohama (the Armed Detective Agency, the Port Mafia, and the Special Division for Special Powers together with the military police). Besides this, how he phrased his goal in ch46 draws attention to how he identifies at least two different “sins” in current mankind: 1) that they consciously ignore the fact that they are controlled, and 2) that they keep killing each other regardless of said knowledge (ch46, Fyodor: “Man is sinful and foolish. Even if they know it is all an artifice, they cannot help but kill each other. Someone must purify them for those sins”). Based on this, one can assume he wants to stop people from killing each other, by itself a noble goal, but a backstory is much needed to understand the real nature of it before applying judgement. Personally, based on the current status of the manga, I am neutral on this while keeping it in mind, because Fyodor’s higher goal is still ambiguous, and one should not sugarcoat him, nor paint him as a pure demon just yet. After all, all BSD characters are extremely nuanced, and tastefully so. If we also take into consideration his profile page from the BSD Season 3 guidebook (see @ahli-stuff ’s post here) and how he considers his strength “wishing for world happiness” and his favorite type of person “someone who loves all humanity equally”, we can further wonder if Fyodor will be revealed as a character who genuinely cares the most about all of humanity, with a love that may or may not have become dark till present time, or a love that demanded and still demands the cruelest sacrifices.
H. Soft, discreet, graceful, yet playfully dramatic. His body language in the manga, in comparison to the anime
There are many differences between the manga representation and the anime representation of Fyodor’s body language, not to mention the representation of his character overall. I suggest we treat the manga and the anime (this includes Dead Apple) separately and leave the creation of a clear list of the converging and diverging points for another potential post. I shall begin this section with the following statement, in hope of leading anime-only BSD fans to the truth: soft Fedya is real, because canon Fedya is soft. In the manga, Fyodor’s postures and gestures convey gentleness, discreetness, grace and fragility, in multiple instances I shall present below, in a random order.
MANGA. Being considerate. Speaking of discreetness and being considerate, let’s list a few examples of that. In ch42, when Fyodor’s ability activated to kill Karma, causing blood to shoot from Karma’s face, Fyodor did not look at the dying child, turning to face him only after he died, which can be interpreted as an act of respect for Karma’s intimacy during his final moments (see section B for a more in-depth analysis of Karma’s demise). Another occasion when Fyodor’s consideration was evident is in ch49 and how he took off his shoes and coat when entering Katai’s house (basic common manners, even though we must admit this is still bizzare in the context of breaking into a house to shoot someone, but read on), while the anime portrayed him fully-clothed, with his boots on (S3ep10), thus (what can I even say) disrespectful and uncaring of the cleanness of the (nonetheless wild and messy) house of his intended victim (in the end, not too surprising coming from the man who calls even his vampire slave with honorifics, “Chuuya-san”, in ch101, but also his abducted prisoner “Katsura-san” in ch47; for BSD uses of honorifics and nicknames, check this post here, but keep in mind that it covers info till ch87). His consideration of cleanness is also supported by the fact that Fyodor hid his ushanka in a clean, empty wooden box during his mission to stab Mori and infect him with Pushkin’s virus (ch46), yet the anime replaced the wooden box with a dumpster (S3ep8), setting the fandom down a cursed path of tasteless spamjokes basically.
Gentle touch of minimum intrusiveness. In the manga, the hand position when Fyodor is about to use his ability on someone also conveys gentleness and minimum intrusiveness (barely touching the forehead, using the tips of his index and middle fingers). Even the movement towards the forehead appears slow and elegant, thus even more sinister (for more on this hand gesture and its meanings, see section A). In the anime, however, this hand gesture is replaced by one that makes more physical contact with the other person, obstructing their view and breathing while being uncharacteristically intrusive: instead of Fyodor discreetly touching Karma’s forehead like in ch42, in S3ep4 Karma’s face is fully covered by Fyodor’s palm, which looks uncomfortable, unnatural and oppressive. Another revelant portrayal here, one that also conveys Fyodor’s overall gentleness in gestures, is present in ch64’s cover art: in contrast to Dazai, who holds his white pawn between his thumb and index + middle finger, Fyodor holds his black pawn between his thumb and middle + ringfinger, which, if reenacted, distinguishes itself by how Fyodor is using the least amount of pressure possible to lift the chess piece (thus very graceful), and so we have Dazai, who “takes” the piece and moves it insisting on a more secure grip, contrasting with Fyodor who “guides” the piece, letting it gently hang between his fingers as it is swayed following Fyodor’s movements.
High physical endurance. Despite his frail body, we can safely assume Fyodor has high endurance and vitality, given how he did not even flinch when Ace smashed a full wine bottle in his head (ch42) and how he let himself get captured and be kept in harsh prison conditions at least twice (ch42, ch54) before ending up in Meursault. There is also how he ran away from Mori and Elise (ch46) without gasping or showing fatigue afterwards. More canon material is still needed in order to establish how accurate or severe his self-proclaimed anemic condition is (ch42, “My body is weak and anemic”) or his low blood pressure (BSD Season 3 guidebook, but I only had access to this info via this post here and would greatly appreciate someone confirming this).
Oratory skills and expressive hand gestures. In the manga, Fyodor is always highly expressive in what regards his hand gestures during speeches, yet in a practical and elegant way, implying he has great oratory skills or training, besides excellent communication and manipulation skills (discussed in section C and pretty much all others). In ch42: Fyodor clapped as his card game with Ace ended, thus expressing joy through words and action; Fyodor pretended to be taken aback by Ace having listened to his and Karma’s talk, scratching his head in a wide-open gesture, conveying surprise and acknowledgement of Ace’s skills; Fyodor put a hand to his chest when telling Ace he has trained himself for “battles of starvation”, this gesture emphasizing the personal aspect of the information he offered, which this gesture implies is wholehearted and sincere. In ch46, while explaining his strategy and his way of thinking to Dazai, Fyodor uses various hand gestures to illustrate his phrases as well: extended arm explaining; hand pointing towards Dazai; explaining his higher goal with open palms in front of him, but close to his body, suggesting solemnity and confessed determination; sadly, all these gestures were replaced in the anime with Fyodor just holding his ushanka to his chest, conveying the same type of message as when he held his hand to his chest in front of Ace in ch42, as I described a few phrases above; still, at least in S3ep4 anime Fyodor gesticulated a lot while talking to Ace before the latter’s suicide, following ch42 pretty closely). In ch55, after entering Mushitaro’s basement prison cell, as Fyodor was revealing his intention behind freeing Mushitaro, he raised both hands to his chest, his fingers resting on each side of his heart, a gesture meant to suggest utmost sincerity. After that, still in ch55, when informing Mushitaro on the change of his condition (Mushitaro was captive, “but that ends today”, as Fyodor said), he held his right index finger to his lips, in a mischievous display of secrecy and child-like playfulness. This same gesture can have sinister undertones as well, given how it already appeared in ch47 in this way, where it is suggested, in a flashback background, that Fyodor did the same gesture when asking fake Pushkin to convey the “No changing the rules” message to the Agency, and they found this out after the death of the children. Lastly, these oratory skills can be used in playfully dramatic ways too, like in ch64, when Fyodor switched to the discourse of an overly-expressive, lively host of a (talk)show, as he suggested Dazai to participate in his “All-smiles Problem-solving Roooooundtable, hosted by yours truly, Dostoyevsky”, tilting his head further and further to his right as Dazai expressed growing confusion at first. About Fyodor tilting his head and what it means, see the paragraph below. So, all these scenes point to the fact that Fyodor gesticulates a lot, especially for emphasis and expressiveness during speeches or conversations, or for the fun of the dramatic effect.
Curiosity and tilt of the head. In conversational circumstances, we often see Fyodor tilting his head to his side. In his case, this is an expression of curiosity, in the sense of being (or wanting to appear to be) genuinely interested in the other person’s answers. Note that the simple tilt of the head to one’s side can also express endearment towards the thing one looks at (in genuine concern or admiration of something beautiful or dear, for example), but, combined with oratory skills – which Fyodor possesses as a master of communication – this can be a very effective tool that translates into non-verbal emotional manipulation. To give a few examples, Fyodor tilted his head 1) when he asked Sigma if he wished for a home (ch75), 2) when he replied to Nikolai capturing the essence of his inner conflict (ch78), 3) when greeting (and even bowing to) Mushitaro in the basement, just before offering him a deal to escape (ch55). In all these cases, the persons Fyodor was conversing with were already in a vulnerable situation (Sigma wandering in desperation, Nikolai presenting his inner struggle, Mushitaro being held captive), and thus Fyodor made sure to bind each of them to himself, planting the seeds of dependency by offering them validation and emotional response. Moreover, as a gesture of (apparent) trust, if someone tilts their head to the side, they present themselves in a vulnerable position (the neck area is open), subtly conveying the message that the other person is in a position of superiority, deepening the trap that, in Fyodor’s case, ends with the other people becoming dependent on him as the “benign” manipulator. Still, because of the display of vulnerability, the tilt of the head in itself is a gentle, humbling gesture, very fitting for Fyodor, whose character presence builds on the inexplicable tension between the terror and apprehension brought by his vast intellect and unknown powers, and the humility and gentleness of his speech and body language. The fact that, as of now, we still cannot draw a firm line and say from where to which point Fyodor’s gestures and words are genuinely benevolent or actually malevolent, so he remains beyond good and evil, and fascinatingly so, until more of his character or backstory is revealed. As a last example of Fyodor tilting not his head, but his entire body as an expression of curiosity, in ch42, finding Ace’s vault, Fyodor did exactly that and approached it together with a curious look (eyes opened wider, eyebrows raised), asking Karma something to which Fyodor already knew the answer probably anyway (“Oh, is this it? The vault where ace holds his jewels temporarily, to prevent a price collapse?”) and still Fyodor asked Karma because, I assume, having a conversation made the discovery simply more fun for the moment.
Biting his fingertips and nails. In ch42, Fyodor is seen biting his fingertips in three different panels, and yet the anime (S3ep4) never shows him doing this. Later on, we never see him biting his fingertips “on screen”, but “behind the scenes” he has been continuously doing so even up to the most recent chapter. Looking closely, you can see how his fingertips and nails are damaged and rough even at Meursault, for example, in ch95, when Fyodor is passing Dazai the salt, or in ch101, when Fyodor is inputting security codes to unlock prison doors. Of course, among other things, this habit indicates a Crime and Punishment novel reference, which should be discussed in a different post, and has in fact been discussed in nice posts by other BSD fans already. This aside, unlike his depiction in Dead Apple, manga Fyodor consistently keeps his hands ungloved.
Surprise and adrenaline rush. Other than the moments when his face shows curiosity, in the manga Fyodor’s composure appears to break rather often to express surprise, usually when 1) an brilliant move was made by an adversary team or someone else, but more recently also when 2) the enemy team made a move faster than Fyodor expected. In several of these occasions, his shock is accompanied by what seems to be delight, and I would interpret this as Fyodor enjoying the adrenaline rush of near-death situations (Nikolai’s prison game, introduced in ch95.5 / ch96, to which both Fyodor and Dazai reacted in a grimly ecstatic way) or general “end of the road” scenarios (Dazai and Fitzgerald “catching” him in ch53, although Mushitaro revealed that Fyodor’s capture was intentional in ch54: “And I… can never be forced to reveal the reason Dostoyevsky let them capture him!”). Now, for the second type of surprise, the clearest examples are Fyodor’s ch101 reactions to being cornered by Dazai and the prison room starting to get filled by heavy water. His expressions there do betray true shock, as much as his stare at the end of ch101 expresses true boiling anger and determination, but one must note that, despite letting his composure break, Fyodor may have already anticipated Dazai’s moves, and the true source of his surprise was Dazai executing said moves sooner than anticipated by Fyodor (for example, when the code input device explodes in front of Fyodor’s face, after an initial shocked expression, his eyes regain a look of steel, rationalizing “he got the circuit already”). In any case, for most insight on the whole ch101 situation and the in-context implications of this “already”, I recommend checking out @videogamelover99 ’s post here on, well, basically Dazai being too Dazai for his own good, or @vampireonastick ’s post here for more discussion on the whole ch101 situation).
ANIME. The anime went with a different characterization of Fyodor entirely so far (as of now, November 2022, the anime has 3 completed seasons, and the trailer for January 2023’s season 4 revealed enough to see the anime’s characterization for Fyodor has not changed at all). In the anime, instead of being soft and discreet, Fyodor is confident, audacious and, I would say, stereotypically evil and creepy, whereas in the manga his sinister side comes to the reader’s eyes as a result of all the subtleties his behaviour and schemes imply, as well as a result of the contrast between his gentle appearance and his unnerving actions and plans, as I already wrote above. For example, in S3ep8, anime Fyodor smirked daringly at Mori after he stabbed the Mafia boss, seemingly enjoying it, yet in the manga Fyodor kept a blank face. Since various other differences between the manga and the anime were already discussed before this point of my essay, I propose an analysis of Fyodor’s body language in Dead Apple specifically, which goes hand in hand with his portrayal in the anime, and therefore differs significantly from the soft Fyodor we get to know in the manga.
Secrecy. In Dead Apple, in the first scene that reunites Shibusawa, Dazai and Fyodor, we see Fyodor approaching their table with confident steps and hands in what appears a rather tight grip, as opposed to letting his fingers comfortably open on each side of his body. This could express repressed or hidden intentions, as his fingers, in a fist, cover his palms and do not allow a completely relaxed stance. Next, unlike Dazai, Fyodor does not cross his legs when at the table, he instead positions both his feet firmly and perpendicularly on the ground, which conveys confidence as well, and is meant to assert total control of the room. When putting his arms on the table, he intertwines his fingers and rests his chin on his joined hands. This is a meditative position, suggesting a serious thought process going on behind his puzzling smile (again, suggesting confidence), as well as careful planning, or simply waiting for things to happen as he planned beforehand. His closed eyes shut down the world outside him, we could interpret this as logical in this situation if Fyodor has already predicted and planned everything through, which the movie suggests was indeed the case. The outside world is not as necessary to see in that case, plus he is surrounded by people who will not act impuslively and threaten each other out of the blue, so a sense of blind trust stays between the three strategists. One last thing to note about this scene is the fact that only Shibusawa and Fyodor are facing each other, while Dazai is facing no one, which may subtly suggest the personal bond between Shibusawa and Fyodor, one that Dazai does not share with anyone in the room, or (arguably) anyone at all after Odasaku’s death.
Confidence. In Dead Apple, Fyodor’s pose conveys confidence when Shibusawa shows Dazai the Draconia room (Fyodor is seen with his left hand on his waist, in contrapposto); Fyodor’s pose conveys having hidden motives when he and Dazai entered the Draconia room in secret (Fyodor has his back turner to both Dazai and the viewers, with his hands in his coat’s pockets; Fyodor’s pose conveys confidence AND having hidden motives when Shibusawa surprisingly stabs Dazai, followed by Dazai asking Fyodor “Didn’t you lock the door?” (Fyodor has his hands in his pockets, but also smirks and chuckles at Dazai while looking down to him, with Fyodor’s chin slightly raised).
A playful mind. As to what regards Fyodor’s playful mind, it is made more or less evident through Fyodor’s play of words and sharp, intelligent replies (see section E for his love for entertainment specifically). In Dead Apple, as the singularity event unfolds, Fyodor told a shocked Shibusawa that he will “fill in all the blanks” for him: Fyodor added “I’ll even tell you what was cut out”, proceeding to cut Shibusawa’s throat immediately after. This is a splendid play of word and action, coordinating them in a twisted sense of playfulness, indulging michievously in living a life entertaining for himself. But seriously, for more on Fyodor and his sense of entertainment, see section E above, it would be superfluous to repeat ideas here.
– – –
11 November 2022. At last, we arrived at the end of this essay. The end for now at least, as I could technically add more analysis and external references in the future, if my irl schedule allows it. Since January 2022 I’ve been working on this “thing” I jokingly called “marriage proposal PhD”, because why not, this is an accurate example of how an ENTP proposes to an INTJ, where understanding the other (or continuously trying to) is peak intimacy and love. I guess. However, I “yeeted” my emotions out while I was writing this, because nothing would have angered me more than my appreciation of this character clouding my judgement or making me err in my pursuit of the many subtleties that lead to his many paradoxical traits. Whether I will update this post or not in the future, I cannot promise. This post is intended to be my last contribution to the BSD fandom, but my ask box remains open for futher discussions on BSD or other media analysis. I doubt fans will read everything I wrote, and I am certain the fandom will perpetuate the cycle of Fedya’s mischaracterization despite my best efforts to bring many canon scenes showing different sides of him into the spotlight.
Yes... Despite everything, I am at peace. I thought no media could revive my passion for analysis anymore, no character could make me draw fanart again, and yet... and yet!... Fedya is exactly the type of character one can analyze ad infinitum and feel thrilled at each discovery, at each little possible implication of a word or gesture. No matter how tranquil he may seem, no matter how certain we may be at first of his exterior serenity, for everything his character encapsulates, for everything we know and don’t know about him thus far, Fyodor’s soul is likely vessel to an incredible inner tension, origin of his determination. As I was writing more and more, I discovered he is intense, so truly intense, and that intensity has brought me… and brings me... and will bring me
boundless bliss.
Happy birthday, радость моя.
#bsd#bsd fyodor#bsd fyodor dostoevsky#bsd analysis#bsd meta#bungou stray dogs#bsd fyodor dostoyevsky#bungou stray dogs fyodor#bsd fyodor analysis#fyodor bsd#bungou stray dogs analysis#bsd character analysis#character analysis#analysis#unsolved and endless#beauties and gentlebeauties this is Lav's Fedya essay#please note that with a single reveal in the manga Fedya could make this entire thing come crashing down and I love this possibility#truly in-character till the end#Nov2022: my only regret is that I still had 100+ bsd analysis posts saved to read through and perhaps add more in-fandom refs to this#even when my and OP's analysis align only regarding 1 idea or 2 I find it highly valuable to cross-reference and communicate#I've seen both crueler takes and softer takes on Fedya's character - and some takes that have no solid canon ground as well#I value them all because discussion is important and it builds our minds - but mischaracterization should be recognized as such#I hope that in the future I can update this essay with more references to express my gratitude towards the analysis part of the fandom too#till then I hope the readers of this enjoyed it and know that I am open for discussion in the replies or ask box#even if it will take me a while to answer
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
||I Will Always Choose You||
Summary: As a soldier you had expected to find yourself in dangerous situations. But trapped in the claws of a Homunculous who went by Lust and watching the man you love try to save you was on a whole other level.
Pairing: Roy Mustang x Reader
Rating || Genres || Warnings: T. Romance. Action. Angst. A bit of mention of injury so be prepared!
A/N: Sorry its late but I hope you like this! @smallartist08
Roy Mustang was not in love.
He had never been in love, and there was no possibility of him falling in love in the future.
Not when he had an entire country to think of. Not when he had to help make Amestris a country he would be proud to call home. Not when he had so many people to look after. His entire team. His best friend’s wife and daughter. The Elric brothers. Madam Christmas and the girls.
Most all of them were in constant danger, one way or the other. There was no time for him to be in love when he had to make sure he knew of their every step. Make sure they stayed safe.
Or as safe as the Elric brothers could be.
Those two boys got in so much trouble sometimes, he was sure they had targets painted on their backs.
But most of all?
Roy Mustang did not deserve love. Not after the bloodshed he had carried out as the Flame Alchemist. Not after all the innocent Ishvalans he had killed when he had been ordered to.
He was ashamed of his actions, and deeply regretful that he had not stood up to those in authority back then. He may spend his whole life trying to atone for all his sins. Which is why something as pure as love could never be in his life.
Not with how tainted his soul was.
How broken.
But............the only problem about not falling in love?
Was that he was already in love.
With you.
Just like Riza and Maes, you had been beside Roy every step of the way.
You had been with him when he was stationed to the front lines. As a weapon’s specialist, and a liaison between the superiors and the alchemists, you had been in-charge of all the weapons that came your way.
Mechanical and human.
And all the State Alchemists were seen as nothing more then weapons at that time.
You were to make sure that each piece of weapon stayed in shape, and you were aware of every alchemist and where they were stationed, what they were capable of, and how far they could go with the abilities.
As one of the best sharpshooters, Riza would often be found in your company. Not only because you were the only one she trusted with making sure her weapon was in working order, but also because there were so few women on the front lines.
It was nice having another woman around, someone the both of you could trust to watch each other’s back.
You had been walking around when you had first heard Roy. He was speaking to Maes, telling him of the guilt he felt for using his abilities to kill so many. All of this was spoken in confidant, and you were not meant to have heard it.
But you did.
And your heart went out to the poor man.
You had seen so many soldiers die. So many lives wasted.
And for what?
For a war that had started because the Ishavalan’s had revolted against the people who ruled them. Later you would come to know the true reason for the war, but even then, it didn’t sit right with you.
Riza had been with you, and when Roy and Maes had seen you standing there, she had reassured them, saying you would not breath a single word of it to anyone.
Although the next time Roy was given an assignment, it had no killing involved and only a few patrols. He had been confused at first, and after a little detective work on Maes’s part, he was told that you were responsible for it. While writing your weekly reports you had managed to surreptitiously add a few points that would make it seem that the areas Roy would be stationed at were in dire need of a cleansing.
Of course, that was a lie.
Leaving Roy rather impressed with your clever wording, and quick thinking. He voiced it to you out loud, but what he didn’t say, at least not in so many words, was that he was sure that you had done so out of the kindness of your heart.
He had known of you long before you knew him. At least you were are of his existence, and that he was the Flame Alchemist. That was as far as your knowledge of him went until that fateful and unintentional run-in while he had been speaking to Maes. Roy Mustang knew exactly who you were and what you were there to do.
He had seen you, a few days after your arrival. You were crouching down next to a dying Ishvalan, offering him some water. And you had stayed there, held his hand and spoke to him.
Most soldiers would’ve simply walked by the dying man. But not you. No, you stayed with him until he died. And when he did, you cried.
You sat there crying in the shadows for a good long while, until your tears had dried and you had composed yourself enough to walk back to your post. And Roy had watched you, a piece of his broken heart mending at the reassurance of your simple act of staying with a dying man.
That there was still kindness in this cruel world.
————————–
Your life had never been easy.
For one you were related to the esteemed Armstrong family. A cousin of the family. You had quite the legacy to live up to.
Your father had been a decorated army officer until his death in the Ishvalan War. You had been expected to walk in his footsteps. And as his only child, there was a lot of pressure on you. And given the fact that you were a girl, you had to work twice as hard. It didn’t help that your father made you aware of your gender every moment of everyday. And not in the most positive of ways.
You could never be an Alchemist like your cousin Alex, you had no desire to become a weapon like him. And you could never be as ruthless and heartless as your cousin Olivier. Even she had once stated that if you were to ever loose the kindness that radiated from your very being, you would loose part of yourself.
So you had decided to forge a path that worked for you. And though you had to hide your real nature while in the army working at the front lines, you had been lucky enough to find people you could be yourself around.
People you trusted had your back no matter what would happen.
After the war, you were personally asked by Flame Alchemist Roy Mustang to work with him. He had said he needed a person who could talk their way out of a situation without having a single shot fired. Translation: He needed someone who could speak to those superior them him without pissing them off. And once you were made aware that Riza would be a part of that Unit as well, you had agreed.
And while that was your initial reason for joining Mustang’s Unit, it began to change over the years as you got to know the rest of your Team.
Riza Hawkeye, your first true friend in the military. You had both shared your worries with one another, your hopes for the future. Talks that had brought the both of you all that much closer to one another. Close enough that you considered one another sisters.
Kain Fuery, the little brother you had always wanted, and since your own mother had died giving birth to a sibling who had never had the chance to draw breath, you saw Kain as your second chance. And given how you were almost always working on the radio, taking orders, sending messages and keeping updates on the latest going-ons in the military, he was always by your side to help however he could.
Vato Falman was your go to person when you needed to get a fact checked about history. He knew everything, and sometimes you would share your information with him to see if he knew anything about it. Not to mention the fact that the both of you would carry out long historical debates and discussions that you both thoroughly enjoyed, and ones that put the rest of your Team to sleep.
Jean Havoc had tried to flirt with you when he had first met you. But had backed off when you had given him a glare Olivier had helped you to perfect years ago. He was still a little afraid of you, but you both got along now. Enough that he would tell you all about his dating life, which you would critique him for quite viciously, much to the amusement of the rest of the Team.
Heymans Breda and you were partners in stealth. The both of you knew everything about everyone’s business. At least everyone who were important. But sometimes the insignificant tidbits the both of you shared did help once in awhile.
And finally there was Roy Mustang.
Your superior. The one who had brought you to be a part of his Team. He must’ve seen something in you that had him bring you in. Then again, he had seen something in all of them. And while you knew you were a valuable asset considering your way to talk yourself out of trouble as efficiently as any conman, you couldn’t help but hope for something different.
Which was utterly ridiculous because nothing could ever happen between the both of you.
You were his subordinate. A soldier under his command. Nothing more, nothing less.
Still it didn’t stop you from growing closer to him. To share your most deepest thoughts with one another. And while Riza was also his confidant, one you were aware of, there was something different when it came to the talks you had with Roy. They were more personal, and felt more like a conversation between a man and a woman, rather then the exchange of information between two soldiers.
And though you tried to stop it, tried your best not to, you couldn’t help but fall in love with him. Fall in love with the man with who regretted every life he had taken, who wanted to see Amestris become a better country. He had a vision, one that was just as grand as him, and you hoped you would be a part of it.
That you would be by his side when it became a reality.
And while it was hard to keep your feelings a secret, considering how they were always just simmering beneath the surface whenever you interacted with him, especially outside of work, they remained unspoken.
And since they remained unspoken, your feelings only grew stronger with each passing day.
————————–
Unbeknownst to you, Roy was in the same predicament as you.
He hoped that you would be by his side when he achieved his dream. Perhaps then his heart would allow him to do what he wanted for so long.
To declare his love for you in that signature rambunctious style of his.
He had kept his feelings a secret from you for so long. Maes was aware of it. As was Riza. He only knew the latter because she had, in thinly veiled words, threatened to dismember him should he ever hurt you.
But he would never hurt you. He would rather die then hurt you intentionally. You, the only source of light and kindness that provided some sort of comfort to his broken soul. So many times he had come close to just confessing, to let everything come out in the open and damn the consequences, but he never did.
He had very nearly confessed when he had broken down in your arms after Maes’s passing. The man who had been his biggest supporter when it came to his feelings for you, but he had stopped. He had no desire to associate such an important moment with the worst time in his life.
Though if he had known that a few short weeks later, you would be on the verge of dying yourself, he would’ve confessed to you right then and there.
————————–
The pain at his side was still near overwhelming. The back of his palm itched and stung where he had carved the symbol he needed for flame alchemy.
But all that pain was nothing.
Nothing compared to the horrifying sight of you in the clutches of the Homunculi Lust.
You looked like you had taken quite the beating, with multiple bruises and cuts littering your body, a majority of them visible through your torn clothes. And you had.
You had lost all control when you had heard Lust speak so proudly and boastfully.
About the Flame Alchemist.
About killing the Flame Alchemist.
But you were no match for an all-powerful creature. Despite your years of training and weapons mastery, she had you pinned against the floor, one of her deadly claws aimed straight at your heart.
Though she changed positions when Roy stumbled in, followed by Riza.
Now she held you in front of herself like a shield, her sharp claw ascending from above your heart to press the tip of it against your delicate throat.
You let out a sob of relief at the sight of him.
“Roy!”
You hardly ever called him by his first name. And just with that word, he knew how worried and scared you had been that he was gone.
“Put her down.” He growled, his thumb itching to throw a fire blast in the direction of the Homunculi. Lust let out a soft laugh.
“Do you really believe you are in position to make demands of me Colonel Mustang?” She purred, the claw wrapped around your waist tightening, causing you to whimper as one of your fractured ribs throbbed with pain. “I shall enjoy tearing your little plaything apart.” Roy gritted his teeth as you let out a painful cry, unable to help yourself as her hold tightened. Beside him, Riza was no better. Her grip on her gun only increased, finger twitching to pull the trigger.
“D-d-o-on’t lis-te-n to h-er.” You managed to call out hoarsely, loud enough for your words to echo in the blindingly white room. Another laugh for Lust, one that had Roy growling under his breath, the fire in his eyes burning just as bright as any flame he normally created.
“Oh my, even on the brink of death you wish to bring your Colonel comfort.” She turned you around so she could look at you in the eye. “Tell me, are you willing to give up your life to save his?” She cooed, smiling sadistically. Your head turned slightly, so you could look at him over your shoulder. The true intensity of your love for Roy Mustang finally sunk in, burning so bright that it prompted you to look at Lust straight in the eye and say one word.
“Yes.”
Behind Lust you caught sight of Alphonse rising to his feet where Lust had thrown him aside during their fight. His armor was hidden behind a wall of stone he had built, so Roy and Riza hadn’t seen him yet. His red glowing eyes found yours, and you knew what was coming next.
A smile pulled at your lips. “But today is not that day.”
Lust barely had time to react to your words when Alphonse suddenly burst into action, sending a wall of stone in her direction. She had to drop you to save herself from being knocked off her feet.
“Now Roy!” The scream had barely left your lips when you felt the searing flames of his alchemy rush past you and engulf the Homunculi.
Lust’s screams of utter pain echoed all around you. Alphonse quickly surrounded you with a stone wall before rushing to your side and shielding you with his body.
Roy’s flames were intense. He was not holding back. Not when the image of you looking so broken, defeated and hurt was fresh in his mind. Not when the sight of you willing to die for him had his insides twisting in a painful way.
Despite the physical pain that had his body throbbing, it seemed nothing compared to the pain he was certain would ravage his very sense of being should he loose you.
And so he unleashed all that fear, anger and anguish in his flames, unblinking and unrelenting as the creature Lust screamed and screamed. Even Riza did not stop him, did not tell him to hold off. Lust was too dangerous to be left alive.
In Alphonse’s protective grasp, you felt your entire body trembling from the pain, but that didn’t stop you from lifting your head once Lust finally fell silent. Somehow, you broke free of his grip around you and managed to peer around the protective wall.
Only to be met with the sight of Roy falling to his knees, looking just as bad as you did. “Roy!” You whimpered, worry lacing your tone, as you tried to stand. But the twisted ankle did not allow you to get any further then a crouch.
“Alphonse, keep an eye on both of them! I’m getting help!” Called Riza as she all but sprinted away knowing neither you, Roy nor Havoc were in any position to be moved without medical assistance.
Roy was lying on his back now his eyes were on you, his arm outstretched, hand reaching out towards you. “Y/n.”
You quickly began to try and crawl towards him, though seeing you struggle, Aphonse quickly took over, lifting you up and bringing you to lie down next to your superior.
As soon as you were there, your hands found one another’s. Your fingers laced together and you held on tight as tears filled your eyes, while his shone with relief. “Are you okay?” He asked, his voice hoarse as he gripped your hand tighter, if that were even possible. You shook your head. “Forget about me. Lust said she killed you. I thought you were dead.” The tears began anew as you looked at his smiling face, very much alive and just as handsome as ever, despite his injured state. He reached out with his other hand to wipe away one of the falling tears. “Its gonna take more then a Homunculus to take me out.” He said in that confident voice of his, prompting a tearful laugh from your lips. Now that the danger has passed, the adrenaline was beginning to leave your body and you could feel your head begin to grow heavy and fuzzy, your eyes burning as you forced yourself to keep them open.
But it was no use. Already your eyelids were drooping, and everything around you was beginning to loose coherency.
Seeing you struggle with staying conscious, Roy turned his gaze to Alphonse who was hovering over them, Roy smiled. “Thanks Alphonse. Thank you for looking after the woman I love.”
Those were the last words you heard before you slowly slipped into the sweet embrace of darkness.
————————–
The next time you became aware of your surroundings you were lying on something soft.
Mumbling incoherently, you lifted a hand to your forehead, only to be met with resistance given that your arm was in a sling. Your entire body ached and felt so heavy that you were sure it had been run over by a tank.
But the real reason behind your current predicament slowly returned as your brain began to wake up.
Lust.
Lust hurting Alphonse.
Lust fighting you.
Taunting you.
Telling you Roy was dead.
Roy?
Roy!
“Roy!” His name fell from your lips as you suddenly sat up straight, followed by a cry of pain as your still healing ribs protested at the sudden movement. You wrapped an arm around your abdomen, grunting in pain.
“Yes?”
Startled you looked up, your head whipping to the side, only to be greeted with the sight of a very much alive Roy Mustang lying in a bed adjacent to yours. You could make out another bed next to his, with Havoc snoring away. It was the middle of the night, the only source of light in the room from the small lamp Roy had turned on as he read a book.
And seeing him sitting there, bandaged and looking so much better from when you had last seen it, doing something as mundane as reading a book, you couldn’t help but let out a sound of utter relief as you buried your face in your hands. You didn’t cry, but you were rather close.
“Oh you bastard.” Your words were muffled, but he heard you, considering he let out a chuckle. “Not exactly the words a man who confessed to you wants to hear, but I’ll take it to mean you’re feeling better now.”
You sighed, before removing your hands and turning to look at him. “It took you nearly dying to finally confess to me. You really know how to make a girl feel special you know.” You said, your smile soft yet teasing as you turned your head to look at him. Roy shrugged. “What can I say? I have a dramatic flare. Its a big part of my personality.” He admitted, smirking at you as he carefully slid from his bed, wincing from the pain at his side.
Your eyes dropped to his abdomen as he sat on the bed beside you. “How’re you feeling?” You asked, worry lacing your tone as your gaze moved to his hand where the symbol for flame alchemy was now scabbed over. You couldn’t help yourself as you reached out and gently took his hand in between your own. “Well my side still hurts, and I’m sharing a room with two other people despite my rank and not being looked after by a hot nurse, but other then that I have no complaints.” His words prompted a gentle laugh out of you as you finally lifted your gaze from his hand to meet his.
To say you were taken aback by the intensity of his eyes would be an understatement. You held his gaze, even as he reached up to brush your hair behind your ear. He didn’t lower his hand. Instead it stayed there, moving only to gently cup your cheek, brushing his thumb against the half-healed cut where Lust had caught you with one of her claws.
“I know you’ll probably tell me off later, but when Lust told me that she had killed you.” Your voice trembled slightly at the memory. “Something inside me broke and I started to attack her, with no regard for my own life.” The admittance had you a cold feeling creeping down your back but you continued, your eyes dropping to his chest. “In that moment I realized that I didn’t want to live. Not in a world where you weren’t alive.”
You sighed. “What I’m trying to say Roy, is that you mean so much to me. And I know this goes against every military rule there is about fraternizing with your superior but I-I love you too.” The words were barely out of your mouth before he closed whatever distance there was and pressed his lips against yours in a gentle kiss. The gesture was so unlike him, that it had you staring at him in surprise once he pulled back.
He smirked. “I know, I’m that good.” He said, and though his smile was smug, his eyes were sincere and adoring as he looked at you. Shaking your head you leaned forward to press your foreheads together, noses just barely touching, a wide smile on your lips. “I’ll need a repeat of that to judge for myself.” You stated, prompting him to let out a laugh, before he moved to comply to your request.
However the moment was broken by the grumbling of a certain fellow team member.
“Would you two stop flirting? People are trying to sleep here!”
You couldn’t help it as you muffled your laugh by pressing your lips against his once more.
#Roy Mustang#roy mustang x reader#Roy#roy mustang x y/n#roy mustang x oc#Fullmetal Alchemist#fullmetal alchemist brotherhood#fmab
87 notes
·
View notes
Note
I hope that you're having a good day.
I was wondering if you could write a Natasha x reader story where Natasha finds out that Y/n has a crush on her sister and punishes Y/n very intensely, can you also have Y/n call Natasha mommy?
Who’s your mommy? 18+
Tag list
*Authors note~ this is definitely a mind boggle to get your head around. But I'm quite happy with the idea I came up with. Plus r will be crushing on yelena as like she would a celebrity she will still love Nat*
Trigger warnings~ hate sex kidnapping, manipulation drugs used as muscle relaxers degrading kink bondage dom Nat g!p nat face fucking gaging daddy kink
Prompt~ see ask^^^
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Recently, rumours had began to fly around the compound about you and a certain widow. And at first Nat didn't let them bother her, she was playing the long game with you, and of course you wouldn't actually be crushing on Yelena. You weren't that stupid. No. You're hers and hers only. However, there seemed to be so miscommunication on your part, after all you wouldn't have been so close to her sister otherwise. The need to speed her plan up beginning to rise.
The first few times she caught you and Yelena together looking like more than friends she immediately exited the room and went straight to her ballet studio that Tony created for her, to dance through the overwhelming thoughts. But soon not even dancing for hours on end until her feet began to bleed would soothe the anger rising in her. Truthfully, Nat was always a little jealous of her sister, too young to believe anything over than the cover up, giving her more of a normal life than Natasha. Perhaps that's why you choose Yelena. Yelena wasn't like this, no she was sweet, sassy and stubborn but her heart is big and you both get along well. Yet it was wrong. You were hers and that was that. Natasha would do anything to get you. Which is why she began to plan your captivity.
In the outskirts of town, hidden by the thick cover of forest, the red head secured a little cottage where you'd build your lives together. So deep in the forest no one would here you scream anyway. Preparing the basement for your arrival was the biggest challenge yet thanks to the black card Tony gave her it was all done in a matter of days. A large double bed sat in the middle of the wall where binds were screwed into place. Toys displaying the walls and in her bed side table was the special muscle relaxer that the red room often used on the widows. The room was dark but she wasn't cruel, you had a few red lights dotted around the room to produce some light. Everything smelled like Nat by the time she was ready to collect what was hers.
You and Yelena had decided on a date at this new restaurant that had opened recently. But on your way there, you felt something hard connect to the back of your head before losing consciousness. Your ability as an avenger was truly no match for Natasha's so it was really with little effort that she hulled you up from the ground, admiring how your dress rose to show your pretty lace panties before placing you in the back seat of the car, and blindfolding you, just incase you woke up.
Luckily for Nat you were out cold, allowing her to position you however she deemed fit, strip of the beautiful fabric and tie you to the bed. Ready and waiting but maybe not so accepting of the idea when you came around. You would grow to love her though, she'd make sure of it. The sight of you laying there had her bulge becoming more noticeable but she had to wait, to see you take her despite the fact you hate her.
"Oh what a sleep slut you are" she all but purred when you began to come to. Your fuzzy gaze trained on her. "Nat?" You whimpered, "what are you doing?" A dark chuckle escaped the red head, "taking what's mine, you. Don't done you even dare lie to me and say you aren't. Because you don't hate me, you just think you have to." Her words making no sense to you." She'd just kidnapped you, of course you hate her. The cool air bit at your skin alerting you to your lack of dress. "Give me my dress Nat and let me go. I won't tell anyone you are sick" you pleaded only to be met with a harsh slap that had you sniffling back tears. "Sick? No. I'm not sick and you aren't going anywhere. This is your home now Dekta. My pretty little wife. Our home."
Your words of protest were silenced by her crawling next to your bound body and shoving her hard cock into your mouth with such a force you felt like you were choking. Tears streaming from your eyes are you struggled against the bonds. "Fuck y/n, good girl! Keep choking on daddy's cock, get it nice and wet for your pretty cunt" she groaned out. Truly the feeling of your warm wet mouth was driving her insane, alongside the gagging and tears, Nat was almost ready to burst.
You gasped for air as she removed herself from your mouth."fucking hate you" you sobbed only to be met with a harsh smack the tearing of your panties. The same ones that were stuffed into your mouth seconds later, "will you shut the fuck up? You're mine, always will be. Stop lying to yourself and take everything I'll give you. My sister couldn't give you anything like this. I bet she's off railing Kate bishop right now." Any protest you made were muffled,
Natasha was losing her patience with you, after all she'd been dreaming of taking you for so long, and now your cunt laid bare for her to use, she couldn't wait any longer. You screamed around your makeshift gag as she roughly pushed into your tight little cunt. "Oh fuck me! You feel so good Dekta! My good toy. Gonna keep you like this forever. Mine and mine only" she grunted as she began to find her frantic rhythm of pounding into you. More tears steadily flowed down your checks. Not understanding while your body was betraying you like this. You hate her. But your body was acting like you were nothing but a common whore.
Clearly, Natasha was only in this for her pleasure as she release white hot spurts of her seed into your awaiting womb. "Gonna make you mine forever. Gonna carry my babies! Good whore. Take it" she growled before grabbing another needle and slamming it into your plush thigh. The drug quickly working through your veins to knock you out once more. This time, Natasha could do just whatever she wanted to you and she had no intentions of stopping now.
Word count~ 1179
#anon answered#v3nusxsky answers#fanfic#anon requested#nat x reader#natasha x reader#dark natasha x reader#natahsa romanoff#natasha romanoff#natasha marvel#nat smut#nat#v3nusxsky Kinktober#Kinktober 2023#offical Kinktober
204 notes
·
View notes
Note
If I don’t ask now, I won’t remember later ANYWAYS
I am just itching for hurt/no comfort for no reason(well there is a reason, I just spent the last hour reading Lucifer x reader angst) I really want just any character of your choosing romantic angst no comfort and maybe a breakup because why not
-🦋anon :3
Lucifer x reader : Twice divorced
A/N I've been itching to write Lucifer more so it's also gonna be about him. Hope you're ready to watch this man fall apart :)(bro watch ME fall apart writing this)
Also new banner (happy happy happy)
Cw: Angst no comfort, gn!reader, both parties are suffering, they don't actually get divorced they just kinda. Agree to separate for a bit?
- You'd been together with Lucifer for a short time before getting married.
- You guessed that was the main mistake.
- It's unfortunate to say, but you underestimated your own ability to properly keep yourself happy and secure in helping him unravel everything.
- 4 months into your marriage, Lilith showed up and shit absolutely hit the fan. Lucifer locked himself away upon her showing up again under the guise of 'not putting it onto you'
- This frankly broke you.
- You'd spent 2 years knowing Lucifer and helping him, and all that was undone in what seemed like 10 minutes of her showing up, spewing some nonsense about how you should get out before he burnt out again like after falling and took you with him.
- It was undeniably her fault. You didn't blame Lucifer.
- But you weren't some unmoving, unemotional wall of a person.
- It hurt so fucking badly being treated like you couldn't handle your own husband by him after his ex showed up.
- You knew you had to get out, or you would go insane.
- You walked to Lucifer's door, suitcase wheels loudly dragging on the floor.
- Lucifer opened the door before you even had the chance to knock on it, hand suspended mid-knock as his panicked expression was revealed.
- He'd heard the familiar sound before from Lilith.
- You watched Lucifers red eyes look down at the suitcase, wide eyes recognising his worst fear being confirmed.
- "Oh.." He simply said quietly.
- You felt your own heart aching at his reaction, as if he was expecting it, but forced yourself to continue. "... Yeah." You said hesitantly.
- The silence beat between you two, and you grit your teeth, a hard lump formed in your throat, and you fought against crying.
- Lucifer let out a soft chuckle filled with no kind of happiness, smiling at you with tears streaming down his face. "You know... I really thought this would be different. I.." he trailed off with a loud hiccup. "I'm sorry." He mumbled.
- You hummed, fighting to find words to say as you blinked hard.
- "I do love you, Lulu. This. This doesn't change that and I don't think anything will." You said very truthfully, voice shaking.
- Lucifer looked back at you in surprise, hope on his face.
- "But, I also love me too. And I think to love me as well I need to distance myself from this until you're somewhat over.. whatever this is." You gestured to his depression storm of a room and then to his messy, unkempt appearance.
- Lucifer wanted to get you to stay. But he couldn't bring himself to.
- It became obvious in that moment how he'd hurt you in his relapse, and he didn't want to hurt you even more by convincing you to be around him.
- It would be wrong to expect you to be able to support him while he couldn't do the same for you at all.
- He gulped loudly and slowly nodded despite the painful emptiness that he could feel consuming him even more.
- "I'm sorry, (name)." He apologised again, "I..." There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn't put it into words.
- Another moment of silence passed as you waited for him to finish his sentence.
- "Just leave." It came out harsh, and he internally screamed at himself to not, but he couldn't stop himself. "Do as she said, and leave before I hurt you anymore." Lucifer's voice trembled, but anger made itself clear regardless.
- His mind raced in a mess of negativity that he just couldn't think clearly through.
- You felt your stomach drop, hurt hitting through you. Part of you wanted to bite back, but you were just exhausted already from this exchange.
- Wordlessly, you turned away from him, knuckles white from where you were clutching your suitcase hard.
- You barely felt in the moment as you made your way to the heavy front door of Lucifer's estate, spirits at rockbottom.
- You hesitated in front of it, thinking you were making a mistake doing this, then remembered the way his tear filled eyes glared at you as if daring you to fulfill his expectations.
- All he could see was Lilith in you. It was like you didn't even exist.
- Click. Thud.
- The loud sound of the door closing and you taking all the warmth you brought to his home with it.
- Lucifer sat down in the doorway of his room, staring blankly ahead, thoughts an absolute mess.
- He laughed, before letting out a loud shuddering sob as he leaned up against the door frame, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in them.
- "How do I somehow manage to ruin everything good?"
Ow 💀
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel lucifer headcanon#hazbin hotel lucifer#hazbin hotel lucifer x reader#requests#🦋 anon
53 notes
·
View notes
Text
I also love how everyone at the very least got to confront their fears or find a solution for it.
Nia got to find a balance between her Light and Shadow selves. She doesn't have to choose a side anymore.
Tyril could see True Magic in action and maybe put his faith in something right. If you choose the "merge the realms" ending, he's just in awe of how balance is restored back in the realms. However I'd have love to see him feel a sense of right and wrong again.
Mal stops avoiding family. He goes home to his old family while raising a new one. The Mal who's not comfortable with settling down and wants to adventure till his last breath, found a peaceful home where he could do both.
Imtura finally gets accepted by her family and new friends. She's no longer the ostracized pirate Orc. She's put her past trauma behind her and learned to embrace it than sail away on a ship. I hoped for a line of dialogue about her still healing from the trauma of her mother's loss but I hope it is addressed.
Aerin, in the merger-ending, finds a home far away from the palace. He's able to carve his identity out for himself outside of Baldur and his father and is actually recognised for his work than get shunned for it.
Valax aims to build back whatever her mother destroyed, essentially gaining independence, free thinking and an ability to accept love first, before loving back.
Kade starts out as a storyteller and ends as a storyteller. Except he's got more stories to tell, more to write and more to explore. He's no longer the sick, weak kid anymore. He's intellectual, he's smart, he's resourceful and he can do anything with the tools and the confidence he now has.
MC gets to make a name for themselves and meet the interesting people and go to the interesting places they've always ever wanted, thus going from a small town nobody to a somebody at least. To conquer that fear of the unknown and embrace whatever's in store in the future.
***
While a lot of them aren't really that explored I'm just gonna take this as a sign that these characters all got a nice happy ending. I played the merge the two realms route so I'm not sure how it would look like in other situations. I hope even in the other routes, thanks to the knowledge these characters have gained, they'd probably turn out to be better, more well-rounded people who can see the in betweens and not just the good versus bad.
#blades of light and shadow#blades kade#tyril starfury#mal volari#nia ellarious#aerin valleros#raine nightbloom#playchoices#princess valax#imtura tal kaelen#blades of light and shadow 2
123 notes
·
View notes
Text
I Want You Around...
Rating: Soft
Words: 808
Laid with a hand under his pillow, his skin bare but for the tattoos that covered it, you stared at the cross that adorned his back as he slept so peacefully you could be mistaken for thinking his life was perfect.
You imagined it was, mostly. Money, fame and the ability to have whatever or more so, whoever, he wanted at any time, on the surface he had it all, but behind closed doors, when it was just the two of you, his actions told you of the one thing he could never seem to get; someone who stayed.
Lewis would never tell you as much, insistent he was that he did not want to settle down with someone until he was done with racing, free with his emotions he let you taste what it would be like to be loved by him with his gifts, with his compliments, with the way he made sure that you were happy every moment you were with him, but careful was he to never say the words that would change anything, careful was he to make sure he never gave you any false hope.
It didn’t matter though, you didn’t need him to say the words for you to know where you belonged. It started casual, very casual in fact, a brazen DM sent to ask you to join him at his hotel so many years ago, Lewis made sure you knew from the jump that it was never going to be more than sex between you both and you were fine with that, until you weren’t.
Looking back you would find it impossible to pinpoint the exact moment you knew you had fallen for him, one night quickly turned into seven months of being flown around the world to meet him in hotel room after hotel room, just sex turned into dinner and drinks, turned into nights spent cuddled up in bed watching a series he made you swear you wouldn’t watch without him.
That was the thing about Lewis, despite how insistent he was that he did not want a relationship, he craved all of the simplicities, all of the comfort that having a partner granted, and he found it in you.
At first he didn’t seem to mind when you were unable to leave at a moment's notice to be with him, understanding that you had a life and a career outside of him, but that soon changed. Soon he offered to fund your lifestyle, to fund your dream of pursuing writing full time, with the promise of going to him when he called for you.
It was a deal that had worked out well for the both of you. Lewis got to experience the pleasures of having someone there with him whenever he needed and you got to enjoy a lifestyle of luxury, of peace, if you could forget the fact he would never call you his.
As you watched him sleep, something you did often, you took the opportunity to curl up in the seat you sat on, your laptop always sat on the table for when inspiration took hold of you, and in the middle of the night, in a hotel room in Italy, you had certainly found that inspiration.
‘Some people get the fairytale, some people get the husband, kids and the white picket fence, others get what they are given. Love means having to compromise for him, love means having to forgo your own dreams to work with his, love means having to stay even when everyone else tells you to leave. Love is him, and love is everything he makes it. No one chooses love, love chooses them and his found you.’
Lewis stirred, the flow of your typing woke him enough for him to realise you were no longer laying under him, no longer providing him the warmth the covers he had thrown on the floor in the heat of passion could have, his hand left the safety of his pillow as it searched for you on the bed.
You didn’t move at all until you heard him call for you, vulnerable and soft he let your name ring out through the room as if it was something he did every night.
“I’m here…”
You knew his calling was your cue to head back to bed, shrugging off the silk gown that you had covered yourself in, you let it hit the floor before you climbed back into bed next to him.
“I thought you had left.”
Lewis let his words wash into your skin as he pulled you into him, resting on your bare breast as if the sound of your heartbeat was the only thing to soothe him, he drifted back off to sleep in an instant.
“I never would. I will be here as long as it takes.”
122 notes
·
View notes
Text
𝕾𝖔𝖗𝖗𝖞 𝖒𝖔𝖒, you were a normal girl from Twisted Wonderland who lived with her mother and you dreamed of going to NRC... But that was impossible, you were a girl after all. But just one day you meet a beautiful girl, Yuuka, in Magicam, and she told you she was in NRC being a girl, this made you happy and confident that you someday will enter there ... But that wasn't all, you fell in love with Yuuka.
LESBIAN FEMALE READER / ANGST / MOTHER ISSUES / HOMOPHOBIC MOTHER
Note: To be honest... I really wanted to do this because it reminds me of some problems I had in the past, so I had more inspiration to write this.
Words: 1907 (sorry)
Once upon a time, in the enchanting realm of Twisted Wonderland, there lived a young girl, that yes, is you . You were an ordinary girl who resided with her loving mother in a humble cottage nestled in the outskirts of the magical world. You had always yearned to attend the illustrious Night Raven College (NRC), a school renowned for nurturing the most skilled and talented magic-users. However, a persistent obstacle stood in your path - you were a girl and only boys could enter NRC, after all, this school was only for boys no girl could be accepted.
Despite this, you refused to let go of your dreams. You would spend countless hours practicing your magical abilities in secret, hopeful that someday you could prove the world wrong and achieve the impossible. Your heart longed for acceptance and the chance to study magic at NRC.
To look for more information about Night Raven College, you frequented Magicam, a magical social media platform in Twisted Wonderland, and while browsing through posts and pictures, you stumbled upon an ethereal beauty named Yuuka. Her account didn't have photos or anything, but you found out about her appearance and name thanks to a post that a certain Cater had uploaded along with her. Thanks to Yuuka's tagging in different publications by Cater, Ace, Deuce and others, you reached out to her, never imagining that your fateful encounter would alter the course of your life forever.
You dared to send her a simple "hey" message, thinking that she was not going to answer, but after a couple of hours, at night she answered with a "Hello!". You weren't used to socializing but even so, you were encouraged enough to establish a conversation with her that lasted minutes. This was only the beginning, until they began to send audios, photos, videos... they could spend hours talking.
As you conversed, Yuuka confided in you, revealing that she was a girl attending NRC, despite not possessing magical powers, she didn't know exactly how she got there, but she was there after all. Your spirits soared, realizing that hope was not lost and that NRC could indeed be within your reach. Yuuka's courage and determination ignited a fire within you, emboldening you to chase your dreams fearlessly.
However, amidst the blossoming friendship and newfound hope, you discovered an even trickier hurdle on your path. Your heart, inexplicably and unreciprocally, fell deeply in love with Yuuka. As emotions bloomed within you, you found yourself ensnared within an internal struggle, for your mother held deeply ingrained homophobic beliefs.
You yearned for your mother's love and approval but feared the consequences of revealing your true self. You knew that your mother's disapproval would be a heavy burden to bear, potentially shattering their fragile bond forever. Thus, you choosed to bury you affection for Yuuka deep within your heart, locked away and hidden from prying eyes.
Days turned into weeks, and you and Yuuka's friendship flourished. While you continued to suppress your feelings, Yuuka remained oblivious to the love that silently bloomed within her dear friend's heart. Both of you nurtured each other's dreams, offering unwavering support, and shared in the joy and triumphs that life offered.
However, secrets can only be contained for so long before the walls begin to crumble. One evening, as fate would have it, your mother stumbled upon your cherished Magicam account, she had noticed something very strange about you -you were daydreaming, you smiled more than normal and you turned red when talking about love - that's why she wanted to know what it was about, and she thought that the best way to find out was to spy on your cell phone. This made her unaware of the unrequited love that thrived within her daughter's heart. Your heart pounded with fear as your mother's eyes scanned the screen, capturing every cherished moment and interaction you had shared with Yuuka.
Time seemed to hang suspended as you mother absorbed the truth. The air grew heavy with disappointment and confusion. Tears welled up in your eyes, knowing that the ground beneath you had shattered, and your world had forever changed in that moment.
You begged her to return your cell phone, but she angrily just took it from your hands and kept looking at what you had in other applications. Lots of photos of Yuuka with hearts, recordings with her, even in your notes app -as silly as you were (what you thought at that moment)- you wrote down everything you felt for Yuuka.
80% of your cell phone was Yuuka.
A solemn silence settled between you two, your mother looked into your eyes, she was angry, very angry, with tears in her eyes, tears of disappointment.
"Are you serious?"
You didn't answer
"Tell me you are not those weirdos who like people of the same gender" she said angrily
"I'm not mom.... She is just a friend" you answered still crying
"Shut up! You disgusting liar" she barked at you "Tell me truth, do you like this girl?" "Are you a lesbian?"
You didn't want to answer, you knew how bad it could be for your homophobic mother. Her reaction had been too much to take in,
you wanted to leave so badly but you couldn't. Your feet rooted on the ground unable to get any closer to her, the room felt smaller and smaller every second, the only thing that kept you from getting sucked into a hole was your mother's voice.
"Answer me" she barked again
you were trembling violently, tears dripping down your cheeks
"No mom."
Your words hung in the air like a heavy weight until you saw your mother's face change from one of fury to a look of sorrow and sadness
you could feel the heat from her body radiating as she slowly walked towards you, her heels clicking against the hard wooden floor of her apartment. Your heart began beating faster, it was so loud it made you nauseous
She crouched down infront of you, holding your shoulders and looking into your eyes.
It looked like she was trying to find something there, she was so confused, her thoughts running through her head as if they were a record, each thought a new one, new worries replacing the old ones. Finally, she spoke
"If you're going to lie to me then I have no choice but to ask you to leave this house" she spoke quietly
Her words made your stomach twist like a knife "What?" you asked. You wanted to hear her say it again, it seemed impossible to believe what you had heard
she shook her head in confusion "Leave! Now!"
"Mom..." you tried to speak calmly. Tears began streaming down your face again
She shook her head again "You will leave this home, right now, while you can. It would be wise if you did, you know how my neighbors can be. I am sure they will be interested in finding out if you really are queer"
"Mom.... please listen..... I don't think I am...." you lied again - you choked out your words between cries and hiccups. You were sobbing now "Please, you have got to understand..." you pleaded
"Listen to me little girl" she continued, her voice cold "I am done talking about this if you don't tell me the truth! You will never come back here again, ever!!" she yelled "Do you understand?!" she finished with rage.
You nodded quickly, "Ok mom I understand" you whispered, wiping your face with the palm of your hand to prevent more tears from falling. Then you grabbed your bags and left, the door slamming shut behind you.
"I can't believe.... I really can't believe...." you said still crying "I should never have fallen in love with her, never" you continued "I don't have a home now" you continued "neither a family, my mom hates me".... you couldn't even stand yourself, you felt so bad.
You looked at your cellphone, you wanted to text Yuuka about what happened but, why?, Now you felt like you were a disgusting person, a weirdo.
You couldn't react when you felt a carriage heading towards you, your mind went blank after that.
"Where I am?" you asked, It was all dark, you couldn't see anything and you didn't hear anything till...
You listed a girl calling your name, more than once, it sounded like she was happy but at the same time worried.
You were tired, you had just woken up and you felt like something bad might happen if you didn't find her soon. So you called out again and she answered this time, her voice so relieved and full of happiness. You answered back. Her voice sounded familiar to you somehow.... yes, it was Yuuka's voice
"YUUKA?" you screamed and she answered happy again. "What's going on?! Where are you?!" You asked, trying to look around for anything.
Then you saw it, a lot of people wearing ceremonial clothes were looking at you, including Yuuka.
"No way".... you said, forgetting the problem you just had with your mother "I'm in Night Raven College" you added with a wide smile.
The people were starting to talk to each other, they weren't talking about you yet or looking at you in any particular way but still...
Yuuka looked at you with her big bright eyes, tears were running down her cheeks and she nodded her head vigorously. She started walking toward you, as though she knew exactly where she was going. And then, there she stood before you, hugging you tightly. You could feel her arms shaking from being so much emotional.
She took a deep breath, wiping away her tears, "Sorry about this" she whispered "But I really need to do this". Then her mouth came crashing into yours. The kiss started out soft but you had been longing for this so long that you kissed back passionately, you didn't care about the other people or the teachers, even though you really wanted to enter NRC you also wanted to be with Yuuka. As she kissed you you felt like she belonged to you. She was warm and soft and smelled nice, not too strong but enough to make your heart beat faster. She felt right in your arms. Finally, after what seemed like years, you broke the kiss to catch your breath. You both giggled while looking at each other. You thought you would fall down to the ground from how lightheaded you felt. You smiled at her again, feeling so happy. This moment was perfect and nothing could ruin it. "Yuuka... what was that?" you asked blushed
She just giggled "I have fallen in love with you and I'm really so happy I can finally see you in person, and that you achieved your dreams... entering NRC" she replied looking at you with an excited smile, her big eyes sparkling. You hugged her and kissed her again and again. The two of you giggling like idiots until you heard someone "Honestly...Coming through the door of your own accord is virtually unheard off" was the headteacher "You gotta go see what color your soul is, then do your thing with miss Yuuka"
#twisted wonderland#disney twst#twst#twst headcanons#twisted wonderland headcanons#yuuka hirasaka#yuuka Hirasaka x reader
65 notes
·
View notes
Text
Yandere Eepop the Performer NSFW Headcanons
Eepop x Reader
Yandere+NSFW Headcanons
Short Concept
Author's note: I personally interpret Eepop as a male. But I am always willing to write for those who'd see her as a girl instead ;)) Just don't forget to mention which gender you'd think is more fitting if you wanna request for Eepop <3
Eepop/Reader [Romantic Tendencies]
[Gender-neutral Darling|Female Darling|Male Darling]
Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :
Both reader+character are of legal age or aged-up for obvious reasons in this post!
These are smut headcanons, read at own risk. dom!Reader+sub!Eepop • You're basically gonna step on him LOL • Masochism on top of some more masochism • Obsession • Another sadism streak Reader • Poor mental state • Punishment • Harassment • Sexual fantasies • Dirty talk • Onomadek's abuse mentioned • Degradation • Climax mentioned •
I believe it's quite easy to say that Eepop is a rather submissive and meek person to be around. Even as a yandere with his nasty mentality, he would still be obedient to what you tell him ... probably even more so. Cause unlike usually being fearful of being hurt, in this state Eepop relishes in his pain. Years upon years of Onomadek's physical abuse, torturous abilities on the mental state and hostile behaviour having affected Eepop greatly in the head. You could literally make him bow down with the snap of a finger and that's not even all of it. You could walk all over him and he would absolutely love being under your heel. You could treat him like a personal footstool and he would still ask for more. You'd definitely have Eepop as a masochist because he’ll be craving the idea of being physically dominated and hurt. If you were to step on a tiny insect next to him, it wouldn't take long for his body to react. Getting so shaky and aroused that he’d be seconds away from begging you to step on him too.
Oh, when this man proposes the idea, you should absolutely take your chance and do it too. I suggest you try remaining partly gentle about it though, as we're not necessarily here to cause any physical harm. But as long as you keep a high posture, basically threatening him with the sharp heel of your footgear, he’d be completely at your mercy in that situation. He would try to resist himself for a bit, try to ignore how turned on he is by you, try to ignore how much he wants you to continue. But eventually his breath would start becoming erratic, eyes half lid as he whimpers out your name while squirming.
But as soon as you brought the heels out he would probably be trembling all over, trying to plead with you to be gentler with him and not get his hopes up and then crush them. Like you would just constantly be walking around him, keeping him on edge by coming dangerously close to stepping on him but never actually doing it. And the sharp tip wouldn't even dig into him, but instead pinched in between his thighs as it's pressing his crotch. Which is treatment Eepop would go absolutely wild over. A person that can dominate him in every aspect but in such an oddly gentle way? A person that squeezes his crotch but doesn’t dig their heel into his flesh? Eepop's mind would be utterly filled with the most erotic and sweet thoughts about you. And the fact that you couldn't even bother to look at him would make it even worse. You would have the capability to absolutely stomp down on him, but you may also actively just choose not to.
There would definitely be better options instead, like teasingly dragging your footwear across his face, tracing his jawline before sliding them down his body. Squeezing his rump as you apply the pressure to his hips, looking down at him with such an unimpressed gaze. Dragging your foot down his side like it’s nothing, your heel poking his skin like pins in a balloon. You’d be able to hear a high-pitched yelp every time you moved it along his skin, his tail flinching and becoming stiff as it happens. And he would likely just freeze in place, not knowing what to do or knowing whether he could move or not, trying to act like it didn't sting a little bit.
I honestly cannot even imagine you putting your heel against his throat or near it and NOT having him be completely terrified and start frantically pleading with you like you hold his life in your hands. He would definitely be in shambles after a session like that, with the worst part being that he embarrassingly craves more of it. He would be pouring with desire, he would want nothing more than to please you. He would probably have to be force-fed water or he would dehydrate from how much he would be salivating. You would be able to do whatever you wanted with him like this and he would be a complete mess.
You should have absolutely zero shame with this boy. You could toy with his feelings and fantasies like a master, being the reason why his mind starts to fall apart like a house of cards. Holding even less respect for him if he were to fall onto his knees and moan for you to take advantage of his mind and body, at the verge of completely begging for you to do what you want with him and use him as a puppet. And I wouldn't even be surprised if you pushed him that far that he ends up releasing before the ordeal is even done, the white strings that squirt out of his body now ruining your footgear ...which would likely, understandably make you scoff in disgust. Your flirting turning more passive aggressive.
“You would've preferred to empty your load inside of me instead, didn't you..~?”
“You'd much rather prefer your meat to be buried deep within me and your sticky semen being shot and squirt into me like you were trying to overload me with your mark, wouldn't you?”
“I'm betting you would want to fill me up with your seed. ...Gross.”
A moment where you'd really just be playing along and feeding into those fantasies. Where in return his junk would keep twitching in excitement by just hearing it. Any sense of sanity draining from his face the longer you keep it up, as his tail begins to sway excitedly at this treatment. I can absolutely imagine his body having a similar reaction too, like his hips twitch up involuntarily, his breath shivers and quivers every time you even say something. His whole body spasming every now and again when you do this and you laugh and mock him for it. You'd be able to get him all kinds of riled up in the most suggestive ways possible. Just the mere thought of him hearing the things that you'd say to him and his body is just absolutely tingling with raw excitement and arousal.
Where in response you could be behaving so bipolar that you'd go from treating him like an angel and telling him “good boy” to looking down at his whimpering puppy-like face and calling him a filthy dog. But it's getting to a point where you're not even wrong for doing that, he is the filthiest boy of them all. He's so out of control that he deserves to be put down and punished. And this is when he'll start getting into the dirty names. I could easily imagine Eepop's body being sent into a state of pure primal hunger. You're playing with his fantasies and desires, teasing him with those sweet words and making his mouth water for more. I’d bet that at some point he’d be trying to keep his mouth closed to prevent any saliva from dribbling out and down his chin, but his breathing would become more and more shallow as you continued to tease him.
His poor, poor eyes would roll back so much that he would be able to see the inside of his skull. It would be so much for him to handle that he would immediately become completely overwhelmed, turning into this twitching, drooling mess of a boy that's desperate for you to keep giving anything to him. It would be the biggest test to his willpower ever and he wouldn’t survive it. He would simply give in and beg the entire time.
Where he'd honestly just have a whole mental breakdown at that point. He’d fall to his knees and plead with you with tears in his eyes. Eepop would be at a low point like he’s never been in his entire life, he would be the most submissive and pathetic person in existence and he would absolutely want you to have so much power over him. He’d be nothing but “give me more of yourself, I want you to own me. I want you to make me yours. please... please…” and doing anything in order to get it. He’s so weak and susceptible and you'd know exactly what you're doing to him. All your little comments and questions of degradation, the way you hold and present yourself, your voice, your body, your lips...
EVERYTHING is a form of control for him.
ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ
#popee the performer x reader#popee x reader#popee the ぱフォーマー#popee the performer#ptp x reader#yandere ptp#yandere ptp x reader#ptp#ptp eepop#yandere popee#eepop#eepop the performer#yandere eepop#yandere popee x reader#yandere popee the performer#yandere eepop x reader#eepop x reader#mirror popee#mirror popee x reader#yandere mirror popee
32 notes
·
View notes
Text
Something that I think we don't talk about enough is Beetlejuice and all the cartoonish sound effects that follow him.
This is rambly, but I'm making this surface-level analysis/speculation/headcanon everyone else's problem. >:3c
Ignoring the cartoon (since that's expected in the soundscape of an animated show aimed at younger audiences), Beetlejuice himself is accompanied by over-the-top sound effects in the film and musical that just aren't really present for other characters (at least not in the same way they are for him). While it's obviously to make his scenes funnier, I love the idea of them being an extension of his magic. Either he finds it funny for his actions to be accompanied by goofy sounds and times them himself for comedic effect, or they're a totally subconscious thing/he doesn't even need to think about doing it.
Especially in the context of moviejuice being more malicious than his counterparts, it's an unsettling dichotomy of this centuries-old conartist/manipulator being accompanied by goofy noises. And, if he chooses to actively magic these sounds into exiestence when he's interacting with the people he's tormenting, it implies that he enjoys the victims' suffering and finds it funny enough to go the extra mile to make it humiliating. They do seem to be tied more to when his magic is being used rather than happening in response to what he's physically doing.
I feel like the idea of intentional sound effects is true of musicaljuice, too. Yeah, he's meant to be more sympathetic while still being manipulative and selfish, so I feel like he does it to make himself goofier since he's so painfully lonely and lacks social skills (literally being invisible will do that). It could also be because of some anxiety, but I don't want to project too hard. I'd even go so far as to say that he thinks the sound effects make him less-intimidating.
There's some evidence to suggest that the sound effects are intentionally done since musicaljuice breaks the fourth wall in multiple instances across slight variations of the show (DC, Broadway, tour). Whether it's putting on a show to intentionally mislead the Maitlands/Deetzs (and by extension the audience), or trying to come off as funny in the hopes that it'll make up for his more obvious flaws, it's anyone's guess. Personally, with how desperate he is for friends and for someone to break his curse (we know he's not above manipulating people), I'm more inclined to believe it's a little bit of both.
That said, I also like the idea of them being a result of how Beetlejuice (musicaljuice specifically) interacts with the material world. He's an anomally (half-ghost-half-demon) at best and an abomination at worst. There's a part of me that wonders if the physical world outside of the Netherworld cannot handle his very existence without an assortment of "glitches" happening as a result of his mere presence (like the stretching sound that happens when he phases through walls and tables for example).
And, to really stick to my wishy washy thoughts on the whole thing, the toony sound effects are a bit of both. A reminder that the world of the living can't really handle his existence, but he's embraced it and made it his own. It's now a part of his shtick. It defines him as different, but he owns it and has as much fun with it as he can, or manipulates the ability when he sees fit.
And you know I will be abusing the toony sound effects thing in anything I end up writing.
#don't listen to me i'm rambling#but it's fun to speculate#beetlejuice#beetlejuice the musical#beetlejuice movie#kinda sorta - it's mentioned
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
park gunwook - loves planet
summary: Despite being trainee's from the same company, Park Gunwook hated you. You never got an explanation so how will competing against him on the MNET survival show 'Boys Planet' end?
park gunwook x trainee!reader
a/n: anon, I hope you like this! I chose to write the reader as gender neutral as I want to cater my writing to as many people as possible, so if you want to pretend that BP is gender inclusive or not, you can still read!
DISCLAIMER: Gunwook is literally a giant baby in real life, this is not meant to portray him in a mean way, I literally cannot imagine this guy acting like he does to the reader in this story, he looks like he can't hurt a fly, so take this story with a whole tonne of salt!
word count: 3092 (WOW)
You could remember standing by the other group of Jellyfish trainees before they went to perform their initial 'Star Level Test' performance, the judging from one particular trainee making the atmosphere for both you and his three teammates almost suffocating. You couldn't believe that he was going to act like a child on national television because you and him had some unspoken rivalry.
You watched their performance from the TV in the backstage area, analysing and trying to understand what the judges wanted from a good performance, being shocked yourself when none of your company mates had gotten a desired 'ALLStar' ranking. It made you want it even more, wiling to give everything to do both your company and yourself proud. Maybe, being better than Park Gunwook played a role in your wishes to rank the highest, maybe it didn't. No one would know anyway.
You had been given the iconic StayC song 'ASAP' for the initial test, which you were thankful for as you loved the song and had also learned the main points of choreography with your friends from school when it released.
You were confident in your dancing and singing ability, but still wanted to improve on your rapping, so you hoped that the Star Masters liked your performance enough to let you showcase your talents and continue improving your weaknesses.
You walked out onto the stage, introduced yourself and then, a blur. You couldn't really remember what happened after that, the memory next in order being Choi Youngjoon, a well appreciated and idolised choreographer, telling you that you had received an ALLStar ranking. Gasping, you thanked the judges immensely, so proud of yourself, looking up at the trainees who looking a slight bit scared of your talent, and smiling even more. You could debut no problem.
->
Learning the signal song felt like a breeze to you, the choreography came naturally and you were extra thankful for your ALLStar ranking because you could learn the choreography at the front of the room, however, you felt upset for the trainees with the NOStar ranking, who were at the back of the room and could barely see the StarMasters.
After rehearsing for a couple of days with fellow ALLStars, you had the signal song evaluation, aiming to get the centre, so you could demonstrate your talents to audiences early, and not have to worry about scraping through eliminations. You wanted to debut so badly, and were willing to do almost anything to get it.
You went into the evaluation room, danced and sung as hard as you could, but apparently it wasn't enough for the judge's to give you signal centre. Don't get me wrong, you were over the moon that you had kept your ALLStar ranking but still, it was hurtful that the judges thought you weren't charismatic enough to be the centre, instead choosing to give the role to Zhang Hao and Sung Hanbin instead.
You walked back into the room where the other trainees sat, having either completed their evaluation, or were still waiting for it, sitting back down with the ALLStars, choosing not to talk much for the rest of the day, too upset with your failed chance at becoming centre.
Getting back to the dorm that day, you decided to wash up and go straight to your room, not wanting to see anyone else, but on the way, you saw Gunwook. You both looked at each other and you could tell that he was going to say something snarky, so you just looked down and walked past him.
Confused, Gunwook called out, "y/n?", you turned back to him, teary eyed, and just shook your head, "I don't want to deal with you and your comments right now Gunwook. Just do me a favour and leave me alone for the night please." You then walked into your room, shutting the door quietly and lying down on the bed choosing to sleep it off.
The next day, you felt better, having thought it through, deciding that yes, Zhang Hao and Sung Hanbin were both the better options, they had great chemistry that you probably wouldn't have been able to replicate with either of them. You felt happy for your fellow rank mates, wishing them well and saying you were proud of them, despite the small tugs in your heart, telling you that you were still disappointed in yourself.
->
You thanked Keita immensely for picking you to be a part of the dubbed 'Avengers' team to dance to 'Kill This Love', but then proceeding to hit him repeatedly for picking the song that Park Gunwook would also be competing with. You didn't know how you were going to make it through practicing in the same room with him without one of you killing the other.
No murder happened that week but some members of your team wanted to kill Gunwook for making the taunting comments towards you, belittling and making you feel insecure about your clear talents.
"Remember when you failed the evaluation for signal centre y/n? You're going to fail this challenge too." "How do you feel about K team beating you y/n? Already used to it?" "Damn you can't even hit the high note right, Hwanhee hyung will show you how it's done."
The comments were fine to deal with at first, with you choosing to be the bigger person, but slowly, as the week went on, you felt more and more depressed, and everyone in your team could see it. So when the final comment came, the final blow, the most hurtful one really, it surprised no one when you walked out of the room in tears, too upset to even care that the cameras were following your every move, following you into one of the neighbouring practice rooms to find one of your closest friends, Ricky.
No one would tell you what was said in the practice room after that, only that Gunwook was scolded badly by both Hwanhee and Zhang Hao, the pair angry and disappointed in the boy for how he had acted and what he had said.
According to Keita, Gunwook found you twenty minutes later, but seeing you in Ricky's arms was something he didn't like and so he chose not to apologise. He couldn't describe why seeing you so close to the yuehua trainee tugged at his heartstrings, but either way, he decided that he was just going to not talk to you. Ignoring you is easier than apologising when you're wrapped up in another man's arms.
->
After talking with Ricky, you were angry. So angry. So furious and humiliated by how you had let Gunwook talk to you that you forced that energy into your performance, something that paid off well apparently. The phrase 'G-TEAM WIN' plastered across the TV felt so satisfying. You chose not to look at K-Team, wanting to relish in the win as well as first place, which had been so graciously given to you by the audiences.
Your performance went viral when it aired, the audience and watchers were amazed by how you looked on stage, so captivating and so strong.
->
Now came the second test, where each trainee would be put into a song category that played to certain strengths, rapping, singing or dancing. But to spice things up, MNET chose to add another category, the 'All Rounder' category. Managing to have placed 7th in the first eliminations, you were one of the last to choose, surprised that there were only four people stood in the All Rounder section, two in 'Cheers' by Seventeen and two in 'ASAP' by StayC.
Every trainee in the room watched you walk over confidently to the All Rounder section, thinking you were going to choose ASAP again, as you had performed it before and had done well enough to intimidate the room of trainees with your talents.
But you didn't do that, instead choosing to go Cheers, standing next to Woongki and Haruto, who had both been pushed into the All Rounder category, and had eventually chosen Cheers. As the higher ranking trainees picked, the people who were pushed out of their spot on the desired teams came over to the All Rounder section, leaving Chen KuanRui, Haruto, Seowon and Woongki in your team.
You were thankful that you had four other trainees in your team who were all talented, and eventually, in the final performance, you were all talented enough win first place, being able to go to MCountdown with your friends.
Celebrating with your teammates when finding out you had also won first place led to Haruto whispering in your ear, "Look at Gunwook real quick for me."
Choosing to follow his orders, you glance over to Tomboy team where Gunwook was looking at you, a small smile on his face that was quickly dropped when he realised that you had noticed, a scowl replacing the cute smile that once adorned his face.
->
As time passed, the penultimate challenge came before the final, the 'Artist Battle' Challenge, where each team would be placed into an original song and have to learn it, but the twist was that the audience would choose where the trainees went, and if you didn't like the song, oh well.
You had been placed in 'Supercharger' Team with some close friends and some younger trainees, and you enjoyed your time with them, but without doubt your favourite memory made with one of your teammates, Ollie, came on the Planet Sports Day.
I mean, getting shoved over by Yoon Jongwoo and spraining your ankle because of his lack of spatial awareness was not your favourite part of the day, but sitting with Ollie, chatting away about his home country was wonderful. You were happy to have made a friend like him.
Ollie and you continued to gossip whilst his hand was being bandaged - you felt sorry for the rest of your teammates, having two injured dancers on the team - until a Park Gunwook also walked into the med tent, a hand holding his head.
He explained that he had a migraine and was advised by the producers that he needed to sit out for the next hour or two until he felt better, sitting opposite you.
The friendly and talkative atmosphere quickly drained, stilted conversation happening between Ollie and Gunwook, the former of which attempted to get you to converse with the latter, but his trying didn't bring any conversation from you - you were still upset by his comments from the first challenge, but also confused as to why he had been looking at you so nicely after winning first place in the second challenge.
Talking to him was not worth your efforts it seemed to you, as it always ended in hurt on your end. But seeing his small pout when describing his so called "earth-shattering headache" was too addicting to look away from.
->
Unfortunately, due to the sprained ankle that hindered you from performing to the best of your ability, the showcase of the 'Artis Battle' songs left you unsatisfied and disappointed in yourself. You weren't terrible, nor did you bring your team down you were told, but still, you liked being the best and you were not the best on that stage in your eyes.
The feelings of disappointment and hurt slowly affected you, causing you to leave the room where you could watch the performances from backstage, and to sit in the corridor, begging your eyes to stop crying and ruining the makeup that the makeup artists had so gracefully made you look beautiful with.
Your efforts were fruitless though, the tears couldn't stop coming and at this point you had been gone so long that Gunwook and the En Garde team were leaving the room to perform their song.
Gunwook noticed you sat in the corridor, leaning against the wall immediately and started to move towards you but unfortunately, Ollie had made it before him, hugging you and holding you close as you sobbed in his arms.
That nagging, tugging at heartstrings feeling came back again in Gunwook, but he chose to ignore it once more, moving to comfort you as well. Ollie spoke up before he got too close though,
"Gunwook hyung, I don't think they want to talk to you right now, you've done enough in the past. Just go and get ready to perform please?"
"I'll do what they want, not what you think they want, Ollie" Gunwook replies, looking at you.
You look back but soon shake your head, not willing to talk.
You hadn't said anything to Gunwook, but it felt like you had just killed him. He couldn't describe why seeing you so upset was hurting him too, he couldn't describe why you in Ollie's arms hurt. And worst of all, he couldn't explain why, even after crying for more than twenty minutes at this point, you still looked more beautiful than anyone else on this earth.
"Gunwookie" Hui calls. "Let's just go, they look like they need space." Hui grabs Gunwook by the arm, dragging the boy lightly to the mic area, where they were to get suited up and ready for the performance that was next.
He performed well, Gunwook, but the thought of you crying like you had just done because of the comments that he made continuously ate at his heart, killing him slowly and slowly.
You, on the other, had sat with Ollie, his arm around you, only wishing it was Gunwook's. You had never admitted it to anyone, not even your favourite baby girl Woongki, that you had had a crush on Gunwook since you met him, you couldn't blame yourself really, he was just too beautiful not to like.
But after everything he had said and done to you, you couldn't help but feel hopeless, deciding to bury the romantic feelings for him deep down inside you, choosing to play his game in return.
But then again, the famous saying goes, "everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all."
->
The day came, where the third elimination was to take place, and you were hopeless. The performance you had done with Supercharger had left your dedicated fans disappointed, and it killed you inside that you couldn't perform the way you wanted to because of a sprained ankle.
You didn't expect to make it into the top 18, and unfortunately, when Na Kamden's name was called, it was then confirmed that you hadn't gained enough votes to make it to the final.
You were devastated, but surprisingly, you weren't the most upset person in the room by your elimination.
Tears were shed almost immediately by the boy sat on the N.12 seat, and there was no other explanation by his sudden emotion than he had realised how he would miss you.
Not miss making fun of you, poking at your insecurities because it made himself well better and less inferior compared to your own talents, not miss gloating around you when he won the challenges just like you, not miss talking about you to other trainees, saying white lies that made you look bad.
No. He'd miss you. He'd miss seeing your face everyday. He'd miss being around you. He'd miss hearing your laugh from across the lunch room when talking to your friends.
It took you being eliminated for Park Gunwook to realise that he wasn't jealous of you, he was in love with you. And the emotions that hurt him when he saw you with Ollie and Ricky, the emotions that made him upset when he saw you cry, they were all because he was in love with you.
He wanted to take it all back immediately, go back in time and tell himself that the last thing he should do is be horrible. The last thing he should do is make you cry, the last thing he should do is poke fun at your insecurities because he felt better when you did badly.
The first thing he should do in this moment is run to you and tell you how he feels. And that's exactly what he did.
Filming ended and the eliminated trainees, your 'supercharger' team included, joined in a group hug, all comforting each other as you realised you had failed in achieving your dream.
A hand pulled you away from the trainees, into a nearby room and pulling you into a chest. A chest which you soon realised to be Gunwook's.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Words can't even describe how sorry I am, i'm such a fool y/n, I shouldn't have said what I did, I should have just seen how in love with you I am."
"You're in love with me?" You ask, cutting him off from his ramble.
'Yes. And I'm an idiot for not seeing it earlier. I understand if you want to get rid of me, never see me again, says the word and you'll never hear from me again, but I just need to tell you. I need you to know."
"I don't know if I can forgive you for what you have done to me, Gunwook. Do you know how much pain you put me through, for what an ego boost?"
"I do, y/n, and I'll keep apologising for the rest of my life."
"I guess I need to apologise too, I've said hurtful things too. I'm sorry for what I have said Gunwook, thank you for your own apology." You reply, brushing a tear cascading down his face away, caressing his cheek a little.
"Look", you begin. "Give me some time to think. I need to wait, to think once I'm no longer devastated about the elimination." You pause, "If you debut, then I'll think about letting you take me on a date. If you debut, we are going to sit down and talk about this. Just because I've liked you for so long, it doesn't mean I will forgive you so easi-"
"You like me too?" He interrupts, too excited to even think about the final part of your sentence.
"Yes, unfortunately. I want us to work this out, so you better debut Park Gunwook, or I swear to god, I will make you go through the exact same hell you've put me through in this competition."
"Yes ma'am." He salutes at you jokingly. "I look forward to our date when I debut."
"Good." You smile at him.
->
And well, we all know what happened in the finale ;)
96 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
wistfulsimmerccfinds
wistfulsimmerccfinds
cubanfireman26-blog
Essential General Contractors Tools And Expenses
mdlawns1
Untitled
laurelserpent
𝐝 𝐚 𝐩 𝐡 𝐧 𝐞 .