#i havent had therapy in 5 weeks can you tell. can you tell.
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I DID NOT SNAP i went to go clean the petwash silently and listened to music and slowly became sane again
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@sociieties asked: 5 times shuuzou felt something was very, very wrong. bad end.
i. the first time he feels something is wrong is when he comes back to makoto's apartment. ( he had made a rash decision in breaking up with his best friend / anger and jealousy swirling in his stomach leading him to argue with his best friend - the one person shuuzou had always tried to not hurt. he had hurt him anyways / and shuuzou is ready to swallow his pride. ) makoto's things are here -- but there's a thin layer of dust that shows that nothing has been touched for a week or so and shuuzou's stomach twists in knots. ( wrong. this is wrong. something is wrong. what happened / where's makoto ? ) he's pulling out his phone to text best friend as he moves to makoto’s room. maybe there will be something there / maybe – maybe, makoto hadn’t left him.
[ text; ako ] where are you.
[ text; ako ] came by to talk.
[ text; ako ] mako -- where are you ? why does it look like you havent been here ????
[ text; ako ] ako im sure youre mad im sorry pls. i didn't mean it.
[ text; ako ] ako-chan????
he finds out his best friend is in america -- and that makoto was sick. makoto tells him they can talk later. later, he finds out from atsushi that makoto had left with tatsuya. ( and shuuzou wants to cry. he knew it. he knew something was going on there. why else would makoto go to the person that tried to destroy their relationship ? shuuzou wants to cry. he's so stupid. he should have known tatsuya wouldn't have allowed him to have anyone. he shows up on kazuya's door step, and when the other asks him where he's been, shuuzou, sarcastic, drunk, replies with " emotional hell. " kazuya stares, and shuuzou fidgets, before he’s releasing whatever breath he has and drops his hands to the side. it’s not fair / he’s so tired. why tatsuya ? why his ex ? why the one person that wanted to ruin everything ? tatsuya is good at that. ruining things / ruining people. “ makoto left with tatsuya. ” kazuya curses under his breath and shuuzou wants to laugh / cry / kill himself / anything so he doesn’t feel the sharp blade of betrayal in his chest. ( he’s empty ! everything good in him is gone. the most central thing to his existence / the support for who he was as a person – gone. nothing will never be the same. shuuzou will never be the same. )
ii. it's been a few months of therapy -- kazuya had helped him find someone after shuuzou forced himself to ask for help. he can’t lose kazuya as well – he’s lost everyone else. ( his friends – his family. all he has left is his soulmate. ) therapist recommended a psych; and shuuzou hated it on principle. ( it made him think of makoto / and how he studied psychology / and about a professor that no longer exists; shuuzou tells kazuya about it one day as ryou slaps his hand telling him he’s cutting the vegetables wrong. ) he had spent both beginning sessions with each of them, staring untrustingly at therapist/doctor – and both were extremely patient with him.
" apparently, " shuuzou says, grabbing a beer out of the fridge and sitting next to kazuya whose strumming his fingers, " the bad vibes i've been feeling all my life is just severe psychological distress. " he thinks it’s funny / in a way that it’s not funny, but it’s hysterical to him. recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; a mental illness that impacts his ability to manage his emotions ; more often caused by severe childhood trauma. it explains the hallucinations that he has. he tells kazuya and ryou, about it too. he’s trying to talk more. the abused kid who only wanted to be enough and was never enough. nothing he ever did was enough for his family / then he wasn’t enough for tatsuya / then he wasn’t enough for makoto. it’s not fair of him to put it on makoto; when he’s the one who ended things – but shuuzou thinks it’s fair anyways. call him bitter; he doesn’t care.
holiday season is the worst, shuuzou thinks. in japan, the holiday is more for couples than anything, but in america, it’s a time for family and friends to rejoice. shuuzou tells kazuya and ryou that he’s going to give them time to themselves, but not to worry about him. christmas day arrives, and shuuzou spends it in bed. he’s tired and alone / but he no longer weeps despite the distance that he feels between him and everything and everyone that exists. it’s his first christmas without makoto around; since he’s returned from america back when he was a stupid teenager. he hated it then, being away from makoto, and he still hates it now.
[ text, drafted; ako ] merry christmas.
he doesn’t send it – he thinks about it, but makoto hasn’t reached back out to him since shuuzou had told him nevermind on talking, and shuuzou realises that means makoto doesn’t want to talk to him. ( if makoto had wanted too / why wouldn’t makoto say something / do something ? )
it's the 26th, which means it’s christmas day in america, and shuuzou decides that the best way to ignore the emptiness inside of him is to toss his phone into his closet. he won’t text makoto / he won’t text tatsuya / and whoever tries to reach out to him, can just move on. he’s easily left anyways. hours later kazuya and makoto break into his apartment, and wake him up. ryou’s got an iced coffee with his name on it and shuuzou blinks wearily at the two of them.
kazuya tells him that he wasn’t answering his phone, and shuuzou shrugs. “ it’s off. I threw it somewhere in my closet. ” shuuzou reaches for iced coffee, and ryou holds it out of reach so shuuzou is forced to get up and shuuzou scowls at him, as he’s forced to get out of bed and from under the covers. he tells kazuya that he feels like something had happened, that something bad was happening, and ryou looks up at his best friend in concern.
ryou – who had read about borderline personality disorder, who had told kazuya about it in bed that evening after shuuzou had left. ( he remembers, briefly, doing the same, when makoto had told him that he was autistic. ryou had told kazuya about that as well. ) ryou shakes their head, “ I’m sure it’s nothing. c’mon there’s a sale going on, and if we don’t show up for lunch, I’m pretty certain og and momoi-chan will kill us. ”
iii. his therapist asks him if he loved makoto and shuuzou shrugs. " no ? " it's more question than statement. part of him has always loved makoto / part of him will always love makoto. she asks if he's certain and shuuzou softly admits a 'no'. he's not certain / he’s never been certain of anything, actually. at one point, makoto had been the center of his universe and shuuzou thinks that's stupid. there is no center of the universe / the universe is infinite; non-rotating. there, logically, can be no center if there is no point that exists within it. there is no center of rotation - unlike a spinning ball on a finger / there is no center of mass because the universe is infinite. the universe is flat; not curved - - there is no center there either / and it is always expanding equally in every direction. there is nothing that exists only in one spot / no supermassive black holes, or super-large nebulas or other foreign objects. there is no center of the universe / and it's stupid that makoto is - was - his.
the night before he had a stupid dream that things had worked out for him and he tells his therapist that he had drafted another text to makoto.
[ text, drafted; ako ] I’m sorry about everything.
[ text, drafted; ako ] I’m sorry this was the best I could do.
[ text; drafted; ako ] I’m sorry I can’t get over it.
[ text; drafted; ako ] I’m sorry I still think about you.
his therapist stares at him with dark, concerned gaze and shuuzou feels stupid. he should be over it; he should; he should; he should. she tells him that it's okay to not be over it when makoto had been such a large part of his life and shuuzou wants to laugh. he tells her that he has this feeling that something is wrong / that makoto is getting into trouble and she tells him that he needs to worry about himself for a change and that it's okay to not worry about him.
iv. it's their birthday -- it is ; and shuuzou feels less empty ; more numb than anything. his coworkers throw confetti at him, and he puts on a fake smile nd dusts himself off. " thanks for that, " he says droll to satsuki who giggles. she's pregnant – her and og had told them after christmas, and shuuzou thinks it's funny just how protective aomine and og had gotten over her – she’s just about to have the baby – a girl, she told them, excited. she’s about to go on leave, and shuuzou pats her shoulder. “ lets celebrate you, though ? ” he's taken to regularly drafting texts to makoto - his therapist tells him that he shouldn't but shuuzou thinks it's okay as long as he doesn't reach out.
[ text, drafted; ako ] today's my birthday and i feel sad.
[ text, drafted; ako ] when will you be back.
[ text, drafted; ako ] i have this feeling you're not taking care of yourself.
[ text, drafted; ako ] i still miss you.
she wants him to journal / shuuzou does not have the patience to journal - or the time. he's filled his schedule with so many things that he's not allowed to be sad. kazuya's birthday was three days ago. shuuzou stared blankly at the old pandora group chat that's not been touched in a good year and a half. he rereads old messages; and thinks he might hate tatsuya more than ever for doing what he'd done. kazuya hasn’t mentioned them / but shuuzou is certain he can’t be the only one that miss them. he now stares at himself in the mirror - he thinks he's better / better at pretending that he's better, at the very least. he's tried praying / tried every language he knows to call makoto back --- and nothing works.
v. something's wrong. he doesn't know whats wrong / but something's wrong. he brings it up to his psych - he tells him that his chest is tight and he feels like something has gone wrong; that someone was hurt, that someone was in danger. his therapist ups his meds and shuuzou wants to cry. he's not imagining it - he's not. he tries to tell them ; but they tell him that it's just a mental break and shuuzou shatters glass in his hand / he's jolted into the here / now; and stares at bloody hand and his psychitrast stares at him.
shuuzou hates him.
shuuzou hates makoto too.
shuuzou hates tatsuya the most.
he hates that he loved makoto / and it wasn't enough.
splitting, his therapist had told him when he was diagnosed, is often caused by an event that makes an person with borderline personality disorder to take an extreme emotional viewpoint. she explained it to him as when a person has difficulties assessing a situtation, / polarizing a view of a person as strictly good / bad.
it was his own mind that ruined things / because, shuuzou always ruins things. his heart is heavy / a burden. he wonders when he can think / say makoto’s name without it hurting ? he wonders how he can get rid of it ? it's been ages, and shuuzou still feels stuck. it's been over a year, and shuuzou still feels like he's stuck. kazuya brings up his hand and why it's bandaged, later on, and shuuzou shrugs. " accidently broke some glass. " he sends a tired grin to kazuya, " i'm too old to fight anyone anymore, don't worry. i've left that all in the past. "
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[tw medical abuse, mention of child abuse, fatshaming]? i have a huge fear of doctors now after being repeadly mistreated as a child and teen by them.
one of the last times i remember going was to grab a letter that allowed me to apply for therapy at 17, i asked my doctor specialized on working with children and teens, if i may have a bandage for a blister. it was 42C outside, i ran to make it to my appointment on time and i was wearing brand new leather sandals. he said with a smile that he wants to check it out first, confused i agreed and let him inspect it. "this wouldn't have happened if you lost weight. just as i thought this i caused by your obesity. you need to stop eating so much junkfood and work out." my mom kept me on strict diets and refused to give me food since i can remember and i had 5 hours of dance class a week, pe and i went swimming laps every weekend he refused to listen as usual.
at 16 i had an accident in PE, my teacher forced me to go beyond what i was able to do due to hypermobility even after i tried to explain it over and over again she simply blamed my weak joints on my weight, my wrists gave out and i fell on spine, i couldnt see i couldnt hear i couldnt breathe everything hurt so bad. i refused to be sent to the hospital because i was afraid it would be blamed on my weight. the pain didnt go away i couldnt lift my arms i couldnt lay down and after struggling for a week i bit the bullet and went to a doctor. he refused to treat me. he barely touched my back and only after i begged him repeatedly, obviously disgusted by me. then concluded again that im fat and need to diet. i pressed on and on until he finally agreed to have me x rayed. i had a nasty contusion and the intervertebral disc's were badly inflammed. even after seeing those results and diagnosing me, he refused to treat me. telling me itll go away on its own and i should diet. after more arguing and begging he prescribed me pain meds and was 'generous' enough to excuse me from PE, but refused anything else. i now have horrible chronic back pain. i havent been to a orthopedist since. my pe teacher failed me that year for being too lazy.
years later, when i was forced to have a check up for my social welfare the doctor ignored me when i mentioned my chronic back pain. i told him it hurts to put any outside pressure on it. he made me lay down and pressed with all his weight where i told him my injury was. he blamed the pain that was so bad i started crying on my weight.
how am i supposed to trust doctors? these are just a few examples. last autumn i slipped and sprained my toe so bad i was sure it was broken. i couldnt walk, couldnt move it, it was so dark blue it looked black. i refused to see a doctor, yes my toe still hurts and i cant stand on my tip toes anymore but this beats having to see a doctor and it made me realize there is absolutely nothing i would seek a doctor out for*. well other than my endo i see irregularily because having to exist in public is just traumatizing for me at this point. she is fat herself and she never tells me to diet or blamed my pcos/hashimoto on my weight but her substitutes always did, reminding me that she is a rare exception. they questioned the diagnosis she gave me, the prescriptions and ive heard the receptionist talk shit about her...
*(before someone flames me about corona and not wanting to see a doctor, i'm privileged enough to be able to stay home and have been quarantining alone since march 2020.)
#health#doctors#healthcare#fat discrimination#trigger warning#abuse#parents#family#school#submission
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danny phantom season 2, eps 1-5 thoughts! opening the new season with episodes like these kinda blew me away. we had multiple serious episodes INCLUDING a two parter!! also, valerie :)
see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3
-I don't know what I expected s2 to open with. but danny portal incident in more detail was not it. (also, I hate to break it to you, sam, but danny's parent's bigass ghost hunting rv def chugs more gas than those vehicles, lmao. unless it runs on ectoplasm or something...)
-WHY WAS DESIREE IN THE SEWER? HAVING TEA WITH IT DOWN THERE?? Her making the giant cow come alive is a boss move, we've almost had all of my fav animals as ghosts now <3 I also don't like how sam was expecting danny to just, haunt the place so the cars wouldn't get sold? I KNOWWW I know she's 14 (and I had a very annoying phase like this, I think I mentioned in a previous post, I GET IT) but they're HIS powers, and messing with (1) dealership will not really put a dent in sales overall because they can just move the cars to another sales lot, and it certainly wont change the industry anyway, it's more of a minor annoyance for (1) location. Also, usually people who work at car sales places work on commission, so if they dont make a sale, they don't have money to pay bills, or eat. sam baby if u wanna be an activist you need to like, actually look into these things. with as much money as her parents have, she could be doing a lot..more useful things for causes she cares about? it's frustrating to see someone with resources who doesn't know how to use them. but shes 14 so again. cannot be really upset :/
-IS THIS A PREDATOR VS TERMINATOR VS FREDDY KRUEGER MOVIE BUT THEYRE ALL WOMEN?? you know, sam is so right to be excited about this. /I/ want to see this movie. that rules
-paulina inviting danny and friends to her quinceañera, aw! even if it is just to get phantom to show up :') and there'll be a meteor shower, and we KNOW danny wants to be an astronaut!! there's not a meteor shower every night!! the tickets are non-refundable, but..she's rich? like. gotta agree with danny, they never get invited!! I KNOW it's the principle of keeping promises, but if she was that upset, she should've said something. directly. I hated how she was like, passive aggressive about it through the episode, like you SAID IT WAS FINE, THAT YOU'D GO TO THE PARTY TOO. MOVIES SHOW FOR A FEW WEEKS IN THEATERS. IF YOU HAD A REAL PROBLEM YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. WE'VE HAD THIS PROBLEM BEFORE, SAM. YOUR FRIENDS. ARE NOT. MIND READERS.
-MR. LANCER GOING AFTER THE GHOST WITH THE FIRE EXTINGISHER LMAO
-this outfit is everything . anytime the show does an over the top cutesty pink outfit i WANT IT. it looks like shit I wear JKASDHF I HAVE a bow like that and a pink sweater. I need leg warmers </3
-SAMS GOTTA RE-HALF-KILL HIM??? thats fucked up. but also, he finally got his logo!! it took until s2!!! this episode was lowkey very fucked and I felt like it glossed over a lot. does sam have guilt about like. kinda KILLING HIM?? I know, he also agreed and walked into the portal. but. she made the choice to redo it SO quickly (even if it was because someone had to beat desiree) and danny, during their fight, brought up a lot of stuff sam's done in the past, meaning he was holding onto those memories and resentment was building. (I KEEP SAYING HE LOWKEY NEEDS THERAPY, BUT I THINK MOST EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW KINDA DOES) which...is a red flag? and then they didnt even GO to the party URGH I know she tried to make up for it, but it really felt like Sam fucked up and barely faced any consequences and got everything she wanted in the end. I KNOW it's a kids show obv they aren't going to go too in depth, and she undid the damage, kinda, but...I DUNNO how to articulate it but it rubbed me the wrong way.
-but on a note about desiree, her powers of wishes were STRONG ENOUGH TO ERASE NOT JUST THEIR MEMORIES, BUT DANNY'S POWERS?! fuck, if I was danny I'd be like, trying to make friends with her. I know they always have horrible side effects as most genie-granted wishes do, but...c'mon, I'd at least TRY to be like 'I wish no ghosts would hurt anyone in my town' or 'I wish vlad would lose his ghost powers forever no matter What and also forget about my mom' LIKE. SHIT DESIREE IS SO POWERFUL. rewriting reality powerful, basically!! appreciate her. respect her.
-aww, sam helping tucker pass the nurse's office so he wouldn't see because he's afraid of medical stuff? very sweet. I also don't like medical stuff, I've gotten a lot better at handling it tho. but seeing blood and needles still makes me feel lightheaded x_x
-FOLEY, BY TUCKER FOLEY. I want to make my own perfume, that's so cool. even if his first attempt isn't good, he's pretty consistently shown to have an inventor/entrepreneur streak in the show, so like. I can see him inventing or making something (or several somethings) that make him $$$ when he grows up :) proud of my creative son
-I know the 'creepy abandoned hospital on the edge of town' is a joke and the creepy hospital trope is so Worn Out, but in my town we actually DO have a hospital like that! my dad was born in it, but its not in use and hasn't been for, like, 20 years! it needs to be torn down but I think the city doesn't wanna pay the money. the inside is horrible, spray painted and broken glass and shit everywhere. but there's still like, rusty equipment and fucking DOLLS all over the place. the cops drive by it pretty frequently to make sure no one is like, breaking in. (because of water damage, some of the areas really aren't safe. also, asbestos, but people still go in anyway) but also, some of my town was used in a filming for a stephen king show. So it's lowkey spooky all over. just a fun personal tidbit :) to lead into saying, any hospital abandoned for any period of time is NOT safe to quarantine these kids in JKSAHDKF like I KNOW it's a ghost trying to do this, but NONE of these parents are even like, 'well, why dont we keep them in the regular, working hospital'....YIKES. this hospital looks pretty accurate to the one in town. grungy and spooky.
-fentons are tax evaders confirmed by jack's fear of being audited, lol no one is surprised
-ghost sickness via ghost bugs. horrifying concept. I actually expected it to be a new villain, not dr. spectra again! this is a very elaborate scheme. her new form rules, love the new costume. the way none of the bg kids seem to recognize her as their old school councilor. did we just forget about that completely?
-dash watching romance movies in the fucked up ghost hospital. same.
-'oh please, you're ghosts, do you have any idea what YOU smell like?' no, tucker, what DO ghosts smell like? I genuinely didn't know they would even have a smell, I actually want to know now.
-it feels like a while since we've seen jazz!! i was happy to see her again, even if she was a head in a jar for most the episode. I want another jazz-focused ep!!
-we finally see danny doing space-related stuff!! him and his friends stargazing to open ep 3 of s2. cute :) until, GHOST PIRATES!!!!! ...ghost pirate captain is a small child?? VOICED BY TAYLOR LAUTNER???
-oh, the easy listening is ember's song instrumental slowed. 'vapor drone' THEY VAPORWAVED HER!!! ember in a pirate outfit tho >>>>. and the cruise being called m.bersback JKASDHJK. ember adopting a little pirate brother is also pretty cute. concerning this teen and little kid have such bad opinions of adults, like, who hurt you?? (how did you DIE ALSO?? im always lowkey curious about that. we know desiree died at an old age, but her ghost form is young, probably mid-20s, so I wonder how that sort of thing works...its a more mental thing, isn't it?) but ghost team-ups are always cool to see, even if ember bailed after danny took her guitar. I guess she probably thinks youngblood can handle it (which, he's been owning danny this far in the ep, so...fair)
-tucker got that sponsorship from nasty burger for their radio!!! again, opportunistic money maker king, love to see it!!!
-danny taking control of the kids SO FAST. he makes a pretty great leader. no one is surprised, im pretty sure I said I think he's the most mature of the trio, once again, correct, because he's taken on so much responsibility already. all the teens suiting up in the jumpsuits to go save the adults and taking the ship over with a BLIMP. OKAY LETS GO. this feels like it should be a mid finale or straight up finale.
-...speaking of finales. why is ep 4-5 of s2 combined into a 50 minute episode? I havent even clicked play and im concerned. weird placement, like, this season JUST started and we're getting a two parter? okay...why are the episodes placed like this? why not put this at episode 10 or something, for a mid-season thing?
-this is also a cute dress. possibly my fav dress so far. can her parents give ME cute dresses, I'LL wear them.
-it turns out the castle fright knight was in is called pariah's keep and there's something worse than fright knight in there! lovely! fuck off vlad wtf are you doing <3 your hubris <3 is going to literally get you killed <3 'ring of rage' and 'crown of fire' are great names tho. ...vlad turning into a super polite guy when he was scared of mr. pariah was hilarious. and fright knight doing the same...I mean, it makes sense, he's a knight, he serves a king? happy to see fright knight again either way :) vlad telling him to call him tho, lmfao. you WISH HE WOULD. (I wish hed call me, too. 😔)
-so...jack being genuinely concerned about vlad...maddie really didn't tell him what happened at the cabin, did she. damn. if I was her id immediately come home and be like 'YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS SHITTTT THIS CREEPY GUY--' like, I feel like that stuff you need to tell your partner!!! I know she didnt want Jack to think she was an irresponsible parent putting danny in danger at that time, but STILLLL. maddie spilling boiling tea on him. get his ass. how is jack this oblivious to his wife's discomfort with vlad!! ughhh
-fenton wipe (tm). trademarked toilet paper.
-DANNY AND VALERIE BEING FRIENDS??? :D that was a cute moment. 'hey val <3' and 'if you like him like him, make a move, or someone else will ;)' at sam...damn!! I love her. valerie go for it girl!!! I hate how sam and tucker treat val also, like I GET IT YOURE PROTECTIVE AND DONT TRUST but if anything him befriending valerie will help when she finds out or he tells her like I feel like she'll be more understanding that they think! ALSO I feel like her reason for not liking ghosts is valid, like you haven't really explained the full story to her anyway! she doesn't seem to have any other friends after being booted from the a-listers so im like :( but seeing them kick butt together again was nice <3
-the ghosts all RUNNING FROM PARIAH DARK IS NOT GOOD, I thought he sent them to attack or something, but no. why doesn't someone just tell desiree 'hey i wish pariah dark would die' lol. once again I think she can solve every problem <3 but seeing all the enemies in one place, being civil and hiding together? love it.
-you just know danny's gonna have to clean up vlad's stupid mess. also, jack being willing to put on the ectoskeleton pants to help maddie, as soon as vlad heard it could kill him, he suggested jack do it instead of helping maddie himself? this is why jack got the girl, my man.
-ghost skeletons. how do you end up as a skeleton ghost in your afterlife instead of a humanoid like most the ones we've seen? lmao
-the ghosts just making new homes in various stores. I'd totally be setting up in an expensive clothing store if I was a ghost.
-valerie's dad is possibly the most useful adult so far, with that ghost shield expansion!!! and valerie saving vlad and danny, even tho shes been thru it already, shes still so good!!! this family rules.
-danny: *gently caresses valerie* :)
-*then he immediately TELLS HER DAD ON HER. and his first response is 'are you okay?' :'( such a good dad...
-*me every time fright knight breathes* youre doing SO great sweetie :)
-the fenton suit thing is so silly looking. does anyone take this thing seriously
-ALL THE GHOSTS FIGHTING WITH DANNY <3 AAAAA. and the fact that pariah isn't perma-defeated, but just locked away again. yikes. he'll probably get out again, won't he? it wasn't too clear, but if vlad DID make a pact with fright knight, I am rabid. I will beat vlad to death with the fenton bat (tm). YOU DONT DESERVE A COOL KNIGHT.
-valerie being direct with sam and challenging her? kinda love that, even tho I normally don't like 'catfight' type situations. because sam has been very passive aggressive about it which is annoying. valerie knows wtf she wants and wasn't even embarrassed to tell sam, but she did tell her, giving sam time to make her own move! and sam denied it and got embarrassed/mad! and sam did have a chance when danny was about to go off and fight, and she hesitated and didn't tell him. I feel like she's hesitating because they're friends and it might make it weird between the trio (poor tucker would be third-wheeling) but if u snooze u lose, u gotta GO after what u WANT girl. smh this is a No Tsundere Zone. 😤
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hi hi !!
i havent sent a letter in a while, i've gotten pretty busy doing color guard. do you know what that is? it's quite fun, though less people know about it.
color guard is like rotc, but it's less serious n stuff. it's usually contemporary dance with flags, rifles, and sabers. we work with the marching band !! and no the weapons aren't real, they do hurt though. we tape them up with electrical tape and wear gloves since it can hurt your hands a lot.
we have a show review next week !! that means whatever show we decided to create this year and work on we'll be going to another school to have the judges review our show and give us any criticism n what not.
we even are going to start practice for a new years parade our school has always been performing for for literal decades. it's 5 miles so we really have to build up stamina to do flag work and dance, not to mention memorize and have a good diet for it. since it's a parade it'll be about 1-3 hours long.
it's odd, i'm not used to being busy often or having an actual schedule since i've been depressed since i was young—though i haven't been diagnosed. i'm not diagnosed with anything, i know i said i had adhd and i feel bad for lying. i have a cousin a first cousin with it and i researched it since i wanted to do something in any medical profession or like- therapy at some point. so every single thing i read or research, i have symptoms or can relate far too much. i've been relating to and understanding anything i see about people with adhd or people with adhd explaining it or describing it since i was in elementary. i don't want to self diagnose though, that isn't good, but it sucks being stuck with either being diagnosed but then actually being diagnosed and having my family treat me like some kid.
i don't talk about it often besides with friends though since i don't want people thinking i'm being weird or faking it. i've just been having the symptoms since as long as i can remember so i try and figure it out myself before i decide to go and ask to be diagnosed.
i had the courage to ask my doctor a year ago but i was moving in a week when i asked so i couldn't get an evaluation or be assessed. so when i finally asked, my situation ruined it.
sorry for dumping like that. i got sick recently so i havent been able to be awake much or do anything properly. it's not covid, just a sore throat n lots of congestion. i have to blow my nose every 30 seconds i swear. so i havent been able to tell any friends and stuff about these things.
anyways, daily questions so prepare yourself !! how are you, mentally, physically, and emotionally? anything fun you did recently? have you been taking care of yourself? are you okay, considering the amount of time you took away from tumblr to move n all of that. how's moving been?
that's all for this letter, and i'm sorry if any of the topics i've mentioned aren't very joyous or make anyone get triggered.
– MC
hi MC, it's good to hear from you! so sorry for such a late reply :(
My ex-best friend used to do color guard, so I know of it's existence (she took up the activity at the end of our friendship, so I don't know too much, thanks for filling me in!) It sounds like a lot of work, so I applaud you for that. I don't think I could ever do it lol
self-diagnosis can be a tricky thing because you’re right, it isn’t great to self-diagnose but at the same time I know not everybody has the resources and means to get officially diagnosed. And in my opinion, diagnosis can do a lot of good for a person. I have a math learning disability that I wasn’t diagnosed with until last year. I knew something was wrong but I wasn’t able to get tested for the longest time. It actually hindered me more I think when it hung over my head as some big cloud of “I know something’s wrong with me but I can’t get tested, what if this is all in my head & I’m just making it up for attention, or what if I’m just really dumb and trying to use this an excuse for it’. all that fun self-doubting/spiraling thoughts. But after I got tested and diagnosed with my learning disability for math, it’s like things shifted for me. I had more patience with myself, if that makes sense. I started to treat myself like I would if I was any other person with a math learning disability. Like when those thoughts came to me, I was able to say to myself ‘You know you have a math learning disability and that’s okay, you’re not making it up for attention, and you’re not dumb’. It was a freeing and calming thing for me, so I totally get why it would be the same for you with a self-diagnosis (although I hope you can actually get diagnosed soon for your own sake and mental well-being, I know it’s tough though!) And you know, plenty of people have ADHD and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by if you do have it! If anybody treats you differently (which I don’t think they will), then that’s their problem, not yours!
As for your questions....
1a) I am mentally doing alright. Seasonal depression is coming back, I can feel it in my bones, so that’s always tough
1b) I am physically well, just have a lot of bruising from dancing (I’m part of a dance club, and while learning some new moves I totally wiped out!!)
1c) I am emotionally good right now! Things have been crazy lately but things are calming down enough for me to take a breather, you know?
2) The fun thing that I did recently was go back to my family’s house and help them decorate for Christmas!
3) I’ve been trying to take care of myself! I’ve been really enjoying parfaits lately, and I also recently bought some new skin-care products that I’m excited to try out. I am slacking on my vitamins though, so I’ve gotta get that in check!
4) It was hard for me to take a break to be honest, and I know I’m still not super regular with everything, but the move and classes and everything was a lot harder than I thought. In a good way though, if that makes sense? Like I thought it would be a bad-hard, like I’m lonely and crying all the time and I have all this extra empty time on my hands that I could at least use to work on the blog, but it’s not like that. It’s good-hard, like I have friends and I’m doing activities and I’m staying so busy with general life and such that I don’t have a lot of time for the blog like I thought I would. So it’s good, but also not exactly what I expected?
Thank you for your letter MC! Hope to hear from you soon!
- breadstick 🥖
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My name is Simone and I would like to tell you a tale!
I will not have access to my laptop for some days more and because writing on my phone is kind of painful (physically, because I am working on hand mobility now), this may end up in drafts and taking a while to post. I am going to share what has been happening the last 2 months because I feel like everything went from 0 to 100 in the span of a few weeks and its been really, really wild.
So!!! LETTUCE begin!
For roughly 5 years I've been struggling to get a diagnosis on an extremely painful area of my arm. There was literally nothing visible; no lump, discoloration or any other physical abnormality to indicate anything was wrong. I spent thousands on pretty much every kind of imaging you can do, and was told time and time again that there was nothing wrong and, perhaps, it was psychosomatic and I needed therapy or, more often than not, I was given a shrug and a vague "i dunno" response.
This year, something changed. I deal with chronic pain (my spine is congenitally fused in my neck and lower spine and I have baby bone spurs all over), and in the process of trying to work on that I brought up my arm again to a dr I no longer see. He'd told me my arm was SEVERAL things over the years I had been seeing him but this time said it was a fibromyalgia knot, something I had been told by a team of doctors some time before that. I said okay cool and was sent to a physical therapy rehab center where the dr worked with myofascial release and stretches to help with injuries. This amazing man fixed my plantar fasciitis and helped get my chronic headaches under control but NOTHING we did helped my arm pain. Within a month he was worried bc we had started to notice that there was a hardness to the spot that never changed with any exercise or massage.
Worried that there was a nerve being trapped or crushed (another diagnosis I'd gotten over the years), this amazing man sent me to a neurosurgeon who immediately frowned and said he didn't think my neck pain and my arm pain were connected. He ordered an MRI of my arm and despite it not being visible on an MRI 2 years before, he found something PHYSICALLY THERE where I said I had pain. He considered doing the surgery to remove it (despite being a neurosurgeon he was fascinated with this weird horribly painful spot) but eventually sent me a surgeon for an oncology center, assuring me it was because this new surgeon was one of the best in Texas for removing soft tissue tumors, not because there was any thought of cancer.
I met with the surgeon who gave me one more diagnosis of an AVM (arteriovenous malformation), snd said they were benign and not necessary to remove as well as the possibility that if removed it would likely return. Truly, at this point after 5 years of constant nauseating horric pain when someone brushed against me or if I gently brushed against ANYRHING, a pain so bad that it had basically made me stop using my right arm as much as possible (of course I'm right handed lol), I said GET THAT FUCKER OUT OF THERE MAN and my first surgery was scheduled.
Surgery one occurred Nov 5th and was an out patient event. I went home and passed out. At some point my mom said that while I'd been in recovery the dr said the thing in my arm hadn't looked like what he expected so he had sent it to pathology. I went back to work and was hanging out until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I went in for a super immediate meeting with a different doctor who told me that what had been in my arm was a synovial sarcoma, aka, cancer! He, this incredibly kind man I did not know, gently discussed chemo and told me I needed to have a CT scan immediately. Based on the CT, i was either in stage one or stage four if it has spread to lungs. The day before Thanksgiving I received the news that it was stage one, it had not spread, and i was so fucking happy.
Then it was time talk about next steps. My surgeon marked out a circle on my arm to indicate how much he was gonna remove in order to guarantee clear margins..but it was not enough of a meeting for me to grasp the surgery I was about to receive.
The day of my second surgery, dec 8th, came quickly and i met with the plastic surgeon, the kindest, most patient man. He moved my arm around and explained how he was going to hijack a vein from my forearm in order to keep the blood flow health to the flap he was gonna take from the donor site: My inner thigh.
It has been 11 days and I am living in an inpatient rehab facility, working on dealing with the nerve damage/pain, the EXTREME pain of my donor site, and the lost mobility that I am working on getting back, both in my leg and my hand. The majorities of my arm is numb...except where the nerve pain burns my wrist and forearm and makes it painful to wear my arm sling (I can't fully extend my arm, nor can I lift, push, pull or use my arm in any way that would stress out my new arm flap). Also may have a brand new urinary tract infection but as I write this I'm chugging water for a urine sample to hopefully get that treated. Below are some pictures I have taken/had taken of my arm! Im not ready to look at my leg outside of the bandages (which, since having the wound vac removed today, hell yeah, will need daily dressing changes).
EDIT: I tried posting pictures of my arm last night and my post disappeared immediately so I will try to make a new post with these photos in case the whole post was erased because of them. I will tag them as post surgery photos. I do not consider them gory or excessive but hey that's just me.
I intend to post more things as I keep healing and as I gain more mobility. I was given "independence" in my room yesterday which means I can officially get up without any assistance needed (using my badass new cane to help me lift my foot in and out of bed)!!!! Which also means I can get up whenever I want without the bed alarm going off. I have a badass cane that has been the best tool in helping me get around (and has inspired my mom and others to suggest and look into getting me a cane sword which makes me laugh REAL hard). See below me using the cane to move my foot in and out of bed!
Part of why I'm posting this is because I really needed to talk about it and while later posts may not be this long or expository but I wanted to have a base post to explain other ones related to this one!!!
I will update with some newer pics tomorrow night when my mom comes by to help me take newer pics. The arm flap looks super healthy (according to the drs), and when they changed my leg dressing they said its looking really good and healthy!
I......also really wanted to post my Amazon wishlist. Due to this stupid wild bad lottery ticket, I've been struggling to pay my bills and rent but!!! I have good insurance, thankfully (since I live in the US and my hospital stay and this rehab stay would have more than bankrupted me), and im hoping my disability checks will get here in time for rent!!! I'm putting up my wishlist bc I can't afford some of the "essentials" on there and, also, because I havent been able to have any kind of comfort during any of this. I never ask for anything for holidays because usually i...dont want to burden people with spending money on me since I know how hard money is, especially right now. And if I don't have enough for rent later I might have to create a go fund me...but right now everything looks good for rent and bills just...not for anything fun.
Thank you so much for your time!!! And happy holidays you wild bastards!!!
https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/36PG6BAYD18U7?ref_=wl_share
#tw for many things!#cancer mention#surgery mention#i tried to add photos of my arm post surgery and my post disappeared so I will try again in a separate post#everything relating to my cancer or recovery i will label as badass battlestar bc it makes me feel cool#badass battlestar
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try hard dick energy: a fairytale
try hard dick energy got his nickname after almost 3 months of me seeing him
he used to be soft dick energy first.
we met through friends, as i usually like it to go.
on a regular thursday, we started chatting and we kind of fit. his music seemed to be a perfect match to my favorites. i listened to his playlist that whole week.
a week later we met at said friends’ home, on the day before a holiday.
my first impression was meh. but than again, it had been over 5 months since i even kissed another guy.
conversation went on, and my thinking was: wow, i can actually be friends with this dude
then we got drunk and he ended up waiting for when my friend went to the bathroom to kiss me. again, a meh kinda kiss. but again, 5 months. it still felt nice, butterflies and all.
i was on my period, maybe day four of it. after my friend went to sleep, we started drunkenly making out and he tried taking my clothes off. i was like no, no way, i have my period. and he said he didn’t mind. i wasnt sure i did.
then, a call that was just the best to get. friend #2 coming home from a date. we chatted on the dining room and i tried keeping her there for as long as i could before she started bobbing her head. to this day, he swears i was making faces at her for her to leave. that’s certainly not how i remember that.
she went to bed, we made out for a while, i took my menstrual cup out and we fucked. and we slept just as we were. i don’t remember much, but i do remember him saying: “was it too fast?” and like a good girl, i said it didnt matter. that’s how he got his soft dick energy nickname as i retold that story on the day after.
oh, the day after. we slept at around 6, and he was out of the apartment as i was still sleeping. my friends and i wanted to go to the beach, but that part of the story doesn’t matter much for this tale. we talked. and talked.
on thursday, two days later, i was headed to my guy best friend’s house bringing my other best friend - #1 from the first story. he picked us up from her place - his place was closest to my guy best friends house, but he did it anyway. we sat, and we got high, and drunk. we made out whenever everybody wasn’t around. i had to teach him that people don’t smoke inside people’s homes without asking - and in the window. duh.
he then left for a weekend away with his friends. it was the first time i missed him, and i spiraled into a weird depression mood from lack of attention. that’s how needy i was. am.
from then on we didn’t see each other for two whole weeks. he traveled, then i traveled, and weekdays were never his thing. we still talked everyday, and kept up with each others lives. we shared stickers, and said we missed each other. just the weird 16 year-old romance i yearned for.
we met again three weeks later. he really wanted to go to my girl best friend’s house, but she didn’t really want him there. we went for a beer on the beach - which turned into 6 really quick. by 10 pm, he forced his way into my girlfriends’ house, even though she didnt want him there. we made out a bit, and he left. i was so in love.
then the chat continued slower than before. carnaval went by, he didn’t want to join us for it. i moved, he didn’t want to come by. we seemed to chat, but it always revolved around him. he took up 3 weeks of my therapy sessions, but i kept chatting. it was good. it filled up my neediness - and my time. it was like a long distance relationship. weekends were lonely and kind of sad. my luck is that bracco was in rio, and i was getting to know noemi. they kept me busy.
he moved into a new apartment. it was around his birthday. i think it 15 days that we didnt see each other, but it felt like a month. that day it was all SO clear to me.
you invited me over to your place. i hadnt seen you in forever, but you said i shouldnt bring anything. i drank a beer on my way there, out of nervousness. i also brought you m&ms. your roommate was wearing a bra in the living room. she was nice, we drank beer, smoked, and chatted. it felt weird. and then, she came up with the whole depressed comment.
let me explain: we were talking about her sabbatical, she wanted to go away for a year once she was 27. i was sharing resources and a bit of my miami experience. she then said: “oh, miami. thats where you got depression”. as if depression was something you catch. as if i told her about it. as if you told her about it and she felt we had a relationship where she could just bring that up?! not sure. i was weirded out for the rest of the night. at some point, you brought me into your room and kissed me. i couldnt really get into it. you said: “we dont have to do anything”, but you kept kissing and groping me. it’s not like you backed off and said: “whats going on?”
so i caved, and we fucked. and it was mechanical. and short. and plain out boring. i left 20 minutes after, and you seemed to be happy i did.
my brain was a mix of feelings. i was in love, but then everything about that night was so fucking weird. being with you felt weird. the next day, you were weird too... i tried calling, but you called me back right when it was bbb time.
and i was talking to noemi in the balcony, and it was a whole thing about not being available for people who dont show themselves available. we didnt talk again until saturday, and i decided to cut you off for good. i unfollowed you on social, unfollowed myself from your page, deleted your number. it wasnt until wednesday that you realized and reached out.
you were all: we havent talked to each other in a week, and im also to blame for that... and so i told you i was upset about more than one thing that happened on wednesday, you exposed me to your roommate and i felt invaded. so i decided to pull myself away from this relationship. you apologized, but took no responsability for the rest of non caring. and thats what i wanted. so i cut you off.
it was two weeks, and two therapy sessions in which my therapist said i should have talked to you before cutting you off. and turning you off was good: i started focusing on shit that mattered to me.
but then i rethought it all. and i said, maybe we should have a grown up conversation. so i followed you, and opened up the conversation again. you said you were happy - you never thought you’d hear from me again.
but you did. and i told you i was open for talking, and for getting things back as they were. you said you were too, but then you disappeared for two other weeks.
and i felt done. over it. truly with no intent to see it moving. conversation was off and on. until last week it took on again. and we chatted for two days before you suggested a visit to my place. i was okay with it, cause then again, quarantine neediness is always present. and - for the first time ever - you were here on friday. you brought wine and condensed milk.
we chatted for two hours and it was boring as fuck. i hoped my roomies would join us. they did. and so did our friends. we drank and smoked and talked until 2, once again. but you decided to stay over, they went home, and it was just the two of us.
i wanted to sleep. everything felt so fucking awkward. i pretended to fall asleep while you cuddled me. so fucking odd. i just wanted to me alone and starfish my bed while hovering all my pillows. and then you noticed i wasn’t up for sex, or making out for that matter.
you asked: are you still upset over my roommate?
i said no. why would i be? we talked it over and it’s over. do you want to talk about this still?
you said no. but you still felt something wrong.
and i said, yes. something is wrong. sex has never been good with you. i need you to have something we call pegada.
and you made an excuse once or twice. but somehow we hooked up again and you had pegada.
we fucked, and it was good, for once. better than “huh, i guess i had sex”
i fell asleep, feeling it was so weird to have you here.
i woke up to my alarm, got ready, and you wouldnt budge. i said i had to go, and you said you wanted to sleep in. i said i would be back in an hour, and i went to work.
you texted at work. you used my computer and god knows what you digged up off it.
and then i came back, we had breakfast, and you didnt want to leave. we cuddled and watched a show. you tried kissing me but position was all weird. yet, it was good having you around.
you had a whole 2 hour meeting in my bedroom, in my computer. shivers. the whole time i was telling my roommate: the affection is nice, but oh no, im done.
and after your meeting we fucked gooood good. you got a promotion on your soft dick title. and fuck, i fell into it as well.
you left right after, as if you knew you got me hooked again. and again, chatting daily, you dont feel there. but we made plans for saturday.
mafe, mafe. why again. this boy definetly doesnt want you the same way you want him. yet you;re still there, as available as ever... i thought writing this might give me clarity. nope.
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please dont reblog this
i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.
im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.
please dont reblog this
cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world
i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.
i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.
ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.
so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.
and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.
and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.
i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.
im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.
i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.
help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.
if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well
please dont reblog this!!
#childhood abuse tw#tw#tw alone in the world#suicide tw#please dont reblog this#no rb#homelessness tw
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Summary: Beca discovers about Chloe’s vocal nodule surgery over spring break after their acapella performance with the brunette’s change to the setlist. She decides to visit.
Entry for Day 5 - Why Are You Here?
AO3
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It was the beginning of spring break and Beca couldn't feel more unhappy.
She could see the steam blow out of Aubrey’s head and Beca felt tears rise to her own eyes when the blonde made the choice of removing the brunette from the Bellas.
And no one stood up for her.
Not Fat Amy, not Stacie, not even Jessica, the most optimistic and smiley person in the group, no. Not even Chloe Beale, the co-captain. The only person who did defend the brunette, Beca screamed frustratedly at. She had turned right on her heel and stormed out of the auditorium.
Because that's what she did best.
If all else fails, she runs.
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Beca misses strolling over to rehearsal every day at 4:00, even if she wasn't particularly fond of the captain or the cardio activity. She misses the parts where Stacie couldn't stop groping herself and the group would end up in a laughing fit. Beca misses how Fat Amy occasionally orders pizza during cardio and would dine in front of the girls with absolutely zero fucks given. She misses Lilly’s ominous comments and how her face would spontaneously pucker up.
Most of all, she misses that person who she sang Titanium in the shower with.
Beca misses Chloe Beale with her bright blue eyes full of hope.
As cliché as it may sound, the redhead made practice more enjoyable and worthwhile. The little winks Chloe would throw Beca during their stretching, the compliments of how good Beca executes a dance move even though the brunette is aware of how she's been half-heartedly doing these dance moves for the past couple of months. She misses how Chloe and she would usually be the last ones to leave rehearsal because the redhead insisted on walking Beca back to her dormitory.
Those were times Beca took for granted and now she may not even see the girls on a regular basis. Her first female friend group disappeared right before Beca’s very eyes just like that.
Everyone has each other's phone numbers, Aubrey created a Bellas group chat with everyone's number on it and was left with a text from Chloe.
Bree and I are proud of everyone's hard work put into this season… hopefully, you guys can carry on and get into the Championship next year! xxx
It was left on read by everyone, even Aubrey… looks like everyone was bitter after that performance. No one has texted the group chat ever since the performance which isn't surprising. Hell, no one even texted one another separately, even if Beca was on good terms with the other Bellas - must've felt awkward.
At this point, Beca didn't have any friends around with the exception of her roommate Kimmy Jin. Well, more like she's the only person that the brunette is able to communicate with… the Asian roommate still wasn't fond of Beca. Even if that may be the case, Beca still preferred to keep to pent up all of her frustrations.
She didn't know what else to do.
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Beca's huddled up in the corner of her small bed, watching a movie. She's sniffling and crying when she notices her phone vibrate - it's been on vibrate ever since the group's fallout. The brunette wipes her tears away and picks up the phone and notices her father’s name.
Dad
1 text message
Beca quirked up an eyebrow as she removed her headphones, it's odd that her father would message her out of the blue, the two haven't talked or seen each other since Beca had gotten arrested even if they’re on the same campus. Before the brunette could answer, her phone pings again.
Dad
2 text messages
Beca decides to open the texting app.
Is your friend Chloe okay?
I heard she got surgery and that’s why she hasn’t been attending study groups lately.
Surgery? What could Chloe be getting surgery for? Beca begins to text until her father sends another message.
Do you not know?
Beca swiftly types across her keyboard, head tilted.
havent talked to her since the performance
Oh. How’s the Bellas?
Beca looks up to the ceiling to prevent more tears from falling. havent talked to them since the performance.
I’m sorry.
Beca hovers her thumbs over the keyboard, circling around letters. She tugs at her bottom lip, she knows what she will ask might become a mess - but Beca is tired of running. do u know the address of the hospital?
Oh! Let me ask one of the students here… Chloe’s really close with the study group people.
The brunette nodded and removed the blanket on top of her along with the bulky black headphones. She shut down her laptop as she waited for her father to respond, slipping her boots on. Her phone pings and Beca immediately opened her phone.
423 Carnegie Way. You planning to visit?
It was too obvious at this point to lie. yes. can i take ur car?
Go ahead. Parked by your dormitory. You have the spare key right?
yeah
Okay, drive safely.
Beca shuts her phone off and just as she’s about to run out the door, her roommate stops her.
“Your makeup, idiot.” Kimmy Jim deadpans, the brunette turns around with a slightly amused expression as she walks over to her mirror. She notices her eyeliner smudged from the crying and somehow forgotten. Beca walks over to her bedside drawer and grabs a packet of makeup wipes then walks back out. “Beca?”
The brunette turns around. “Yeah what’s up?”
“Good job.” Kimmy Jins answers, Beca could tell she was fighting back a smile.
“Cya Kimmy Jin.”
The brunette exits the dormitory building towards her father’s car in the parking lot. Beca unlocks the vehicle and sits in the driver’s seat, wiping off the heavy eyeliner from her face and immediately starts the car once her makeup is completely removed. She pulls out of the parking lot as she starts the GPS for the hospital Chloe is located at. This is either going to be a big mistake or the greatest thing Beca has done.
The brunette parks her father’s car which is intact - Beca accidentally scratched his car against a tree during high school and he won’t forget it. Beca turns off the engine and exits the vehicle and enters the quiet building. She walks towards the receptionist and notices the “Visting Hours” sign is lit, luck is on Beca’s side today. The receptionist looks up and smiles gently at Beca, she looks like she hasn’t received much sleep.
“How may I help you?”
Beca clears her throat and speaks in a lower octave. “Is there anyone by the name of Chloe Beale here?”
The receptionist quirks up an eyebrow. “Who may you be? Visitors can only be friends and family.”
“Oh, I’m her friend. I’m in the same acapella group as her, the Barden Bellas.” Beca groans at herself internally, she has a tendency to overshare when nervously speaking with strangers.
“Alright… yes, she’s here. Would you like to visit her?” Beca nods. The receptionist logs information into the computer and grabs the untearable visitor bands from underneath her desk. Beca holds out her wrist as the receptionist wraps the band around her wrist and cuts off the excess part. “She’s on level 3, room 303. Enjoy your visit.”
Beca waves goodbye at the friendly receptionist and walks to the elevators, pressing the third-floor button. She feels her heart rate pick up and hands go clammy, not sure whether if she’s nervous for Chloe’s reaction or seeing the redhead in general. The brunette’s mouth goes dry as the elevator doors open, Beca immediately being able to see her room on the right-hand side of the building. She slowly approaches the door and takes a shaky breath. The brunette opens the door.
Chloe is dressed in a hospital gown and she manages to make those displeasing gowns look good. She’s staring out of the window, earbuds plugged into her ear as she nods slowly along with a beat. Beca walks closer to her bed and the redhead slowly turns her head towards the brunette, she gapes her mouth open as she removes her earbuds.
“Hi Chlo…” Beca awkwardly waves, confused when Chloe turns away. She’s relieved to find the redhead turn back around with a pen and notepad.
Why are you here?
Beca takes a seat at the edge of her bed. “Just wanted to see how you were… did your surgery go well? What was it for?” The brunette asks, nervously fidgeting with her hands. Chloe smiles and writes her response down once again, Beca notices she switched hands for writing this time… ambidextrous.
It went well, I’m on vocal rest. And it’s cute how you worry. Remember my nodes? I removed them…
The brunette’s jaw drops as she inches closer to Chloe. “Oh wow, that’s… shit. Can you still sing?” Chloe nods and writes a note down.
Can’t sing above a G# maybe ever. Probably have to take voice therapy for like four to six weeks.
Beca brushes a stray hair behind her ear out of nervousness. “I’m sorry about that. At least you can still sing after right?” The redhead nods and writes a reply down.
You’re the first person to visit me you know? I expected maybe Aubrey or something but no… it's you. How come?
“I don’t know… felt like I was required too. You’re my friend.” Chloe’s smile washes over her face, that’s the first she’s smiled since Beca walked in. “Also… I’m really sorry for what I said to you after the performance. It was so fucked up and I wish I could take it back.” The redhead grabs Beca’s hand as she writes down another note.
No, it’s fine. I’m sorry too, I should’ve stood up to Bree. And that’s the first time I’ve heard you mention that I’m your friend :)
Beca laughs at the smiley face drawn at the end. “Yeah… don’t tell anyone. I have this whole ‘badassery’ vibe going on here.” The brunette gestures to her body with the hand not being held by Chloe’s. The redhead rolls her eyes and the smile grows wider. There’s silence between the two as Beca stares into Chloe’s bright blue eyes, blushing at the sight of her smile. Beca breathes in and lets out a shaky breath. “I really missed you Chlo.” The redhead’s eyes widen a bit as she writes once again.
I missed you too. Have you talked to any of the other girls yet?
Beca shakes her head no.
Wow, I’m the first? I’m special, aren’t I ;)
“Don’t get too cocky there Beale.” The brunette teases while smirking. “You just, I miss seeing your smile and going to practices with you and shit…” Chloe tilts her head. “I’ve never really felt close to someone until you? Maybe that’s because you saw me naked within like a week of meeting each other… that’s at least two bases you skipped there.” Beca jokes, causing Chloe to bite down her lip to prevent laughing too much. “I just… really really like you and I was worried about you and… yeah.” Beca is confused as to why Chloe’s eyes were huge until she realized what she just said. She stands from the bed, covering her mouth. “Shit I- fuck.” Chloe quickly scribbles down something on her notepad.
Wait, Beca no it’s okay! Sit back down.
The brunette clenches her hands into fists and slowly sits down. “I’m sorry I just… I tend to ramble and just, ugh fuck! I’m just so bad with this type of stuff…” Chloe gestures for Beca to come closer and so Beca does. The redhead plants a soft kiss on the corner of Beca’s mouth and smiles when Beca appears to be dumbfounded. Chloe immediately scribbles something on her notepad.
I really like you too idiot.
Beca rolls her eyes as she slowly grazes over the corner of her mouth with her fingertips, the feeling of Chloe’s lips still lingering. The brunette blushes as Chloe slips her hand into Beca’s. The redhead notices the time and frowns. She writes in her notepad with her free hand.
Hospital people don’t like it when you stay for too long… you should probably get going.
Beca frowned as she slowly stood up, still holding hands with Chloe. “Yeah… probably.” Chloe scribbles something down.
I hope the Bellas will regroup sometime soon.
The brunette nods. “Yeah me too…” Beca plants a kiss on Chloe’s forehead and waves goodbye to her possible girlfriend. The brunette leaves the hospital with a smile on her face and the feeling of Chloe’s lips still tingling the corner of her mouth. When she enters her father’s car, she immediately gets a text from Chloe.
FOOTNOTES LEADER WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND GROUP WAS DISQUALIFIED. WE’RE BACK IN BEC!
She smiles as she starts the car… luck was really on her side today.
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Therapy Pt.5
Guilt is a dangerous feeling, but that would never stop you from feeling it
Genre: Angst, Fluff(??)
Word Count: 3.0k
Song: Saturday Nights-Khalid
A/N: A link to my masterlist because i havent updated this fic in forever
Thank you for waiting for me
You sat on the couch in Woojin’s arms. The movie on the tv playing through the ending credits. Woojin had been asleep since about thirty minutes into your current session of binge watching Disney movies. You stared at the tv and tried to read all of the names and jobs, doing anything to keep your mind distracted. The guilt was overwhelming you. It was eating you up inside and you didn’t know what to do about it. You thought that after eight months you would be over him. You hoped at after a painful year without him that you would be over it, but you weren’t. You mind constantly flashed back to the way he link his arm with yours as you walked down the cold January streets, or the way he would smile at you when he knew you had a bad day. How you saw only saw Chan’s eyes every time you looked into Woojin’s. He didn’t deserve this. Woojin didn’t deserve any of this.
He shouldn’t have to wake you up from nightmares in which Chan is slipping though your fingers like sand. He shouldn’t have to hold you and console you when you’re crying about another man. He shouldn’t have to take a different path to get the river when walking with you just so that you didn’t walk past the coffee shop that tore you apart inside. Every thought in your head was that you shouldn’t be putting him through all of this. Especially because he put up with all of it. He woke you up from nightmares, and he held you through all of your tears. He spent days walking to and from the river by himself just so that he could find the shortest path with the least amount of people and the best sights. You didn’t deserve this. The love from him that you had grown so accustomed to felt sad. You felt like you were taking advantage of him.
You shifted your gaze from the tv to his face only to find him awake. Your eyes met and he held the contact for a few moments before smiling and opening his mouth to speak to you.
“How long have you been thinking?” He asked, you felt bad that he knew you inside and out. That he could look at you and just know that your brain was running laps around one issue. And although he didn’t mention it, it was obvious that he knew what you were thinking about. You snuggled closer into his embrace and turned your head to look back at the tv.
“Since you fell asleep.”
“I don’t know how such a small brain has so much time to think.” Woojin teased. You turned back to look at him and flicked his thigh with your right hand. He threw his head back and laughed at your action. He only laughed for a few seconds but god, it felt like an eternity. Even if you felt like you didn’t deserve him, you would never get sick of him. The way he laughed wholeheartedly at anything he found funny. The flowers that he brought you almost every day. How he would bring you a hot chocolate during his lunch break when you were at home. You thought that his generosity would wear off when you first started the relationship. That eventually he would stop caring as much as he did. He would stop holding you when you cried, or he would get tired of you talking about your past two relationships. He would get sick of hearing the names Jae and Chan roll of your lips every few weeks. You feared that eventually he would make you choose like they did, but he didn’t. “I’m just kidding, everyone knows that you’re the brains in this relationship.” Woojin shifted his position on the couch so that he could wrap both of his arms around your waist and move his head into your shoulder.
“Sir, you can remember how to make every single item on the menu at the shop just off the top of your head and there’s like, fifty different drinks. I think you’re the smart one here.” He chuckled lightly at your comment and moved his head to rest by your neck. You placed your left hand on his head and ran your fingers gently through his hair. “Alright you’re getting too cuddly, it’s bedtime.” You joked and tried to move from his embrace to go to your shared bedroom but he just squeezed you tighter so you couldn’t leave your warm spot on the couch.
“No,” he mumbled and pulled the blanket over the two of you. “Let’s just stay here tonight.” You smiled at his tired form and adjusted yourself so that you were closer to him.
“Okay.” You whispered, barely audible. You fell asleep that night without Chan on your mind.
~
You were walking to the coffee shop. It didn’t make sense but you were. One foot in front of the other moving you quickly and painfully closer to your destination. You had your first fight with Woojin, it was over something so small and stupid that you couldn’t even remember what it was about anymore. The only thing that you could remember was his blank expression, it shook you to the core thinking about his face. He looked so much like Jae when he was mad. It was late, you didn’t remember what time the shop closed anymore but you had a feeling that it was too late. Everything was always too late of too early, it was never the right time.
Jae was too late. Waiting three or four or five hours or two days sitting in the house hoping he would just come home. Cold cups of coffee sitting in the kitchen that you had made in the morning for him but were still sitting there untouched by the time you had gotten back from work at 5 pm. Dinner dates with your parents that had to be cancelled because he didn’t come home from “work” on time.
Chan was too early. He came before you had a chance to fall out of love. Before you could decide if love was really worth it. He felt like waking up at five am even though your alarm didn’t go off for another hour but staying up anyways because it gave you extra time to get yourself ready. Getting to the shop ten minutes before his break started but sitting in the corner of the dimly lit coffee shop because you would’ve waited a thousand years for him to be ready. Too early to realize that everything you had ever wanted was standing right in front of you.
Woojin was the only person that was there for you right on time, as if the universe knew that you needed him. Getting off of work the same time as you. Flowers being delivered at the end of your day just as the bouquet that he bought you three days ago had started wilting. Arriving at his shop during your lunch break just as he was walking out from behind the counter with two full mugs of hot chocolate, one for each of you. Waking you up from nightmares right before they get to the bad part. Unconditional love to help you heal exactly when you needed it most.
Maybe that was why you ran when, for once, the timing felt off.
The white sign on the outside of the coffee shop hadn’t been flipped over to say “Closed” yet, so you walked in. The smell and look of everything creating a flood of bad memories. It felt like the downpour in your head wouldn’t ever stop once you saw him. He was washing tables, specifically the booth that the two of you had always shared.
“I know the sign on the door says we aren’t closed but we actually close at-” He stopped washing the tables to turn around and look at you, the black rag dropping from his hand and his sentence being cut short when you made eye contact. It didn’t feel right to be here.
“I was really hoping you weren’t closed.” You said and played with the ends of your jacket, the same one he gave to you that night by the river. He smiled slightly and leaned down to pick up the rag off the floor.
“We closed ten minutes ago but you can stay.” He examined your face for a few seconds before speaking again, “You look like you need it right now.”
~
Chan walked to the table with two mugs of hot chocolate. It was a different table than the one you used to sit at. He sat down across from you at the unwashed table and placed a cup in front of you. You grabbed the warm mug and pulled it immediately to your lips It didn’t taste the same as Woojin’s hot chocolate. It was all sweet, too simple to be anything more than a way to warm yourself up, but you enjoyed the warmth it gave you for now. You sat in silence for a few minutes, quietly sipping your drinks before he spoke up.
“So what happened?” He questioned, he always asked but never pried. You enjoyed that feature about him. Your current boyfriend would ask and ask and ask again to get you to tell him things so that he could try to solve them, you still appreciated it though. You tried your hardest to push down your comparisons before speaking but it didn’t work.
“Woojin and I got into a fight,” Chan’s attitude visibly changed when you mentioned the name. As bad at it was, he hoped that the next time he the two of you met you wouldn’t be with him anymore. One can only dream. “I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Why didn’t you just go home?” He asked, he knew the answer when he saw you look down and remove your hands from the table. A quiet ‘oh’ left his mouth when the realization hit him. “How long have you... you know, been living together?”
“About four months.” You moved your hand back up to grasp the hot cup, the heat hurt a little bit but you didn’t pull away. You needed the distraction. “I moved in pretty quickly. I don’t know why but I did.” You tried to come up with an explanation for him but you couldn’t.
“You moved on quickly,” Chan blurted out. Your eyes snapping up to him as the words left his mouth. “You moved in with him because you moved on and because you fell in love with someone else. Listen that’s fine and everything and I’m not mad but I was hoping-”
“What exactly were you hoping for Chan?” You snapped at him, “Were you hoping that I would come to my senses and leave Jae for you? Were you hoping that I would keep sitting in my room and texting and calling you for hours on end waiting and begging for you to reply? Waiting for you to give me a chance to show you that I loved you more than anything in the entire fucking world? God, you really never knew me if you think I could’ve moved on from you. Ever.” You were out of breath by the time you finished talking. Your throat and brain hurt after your confession. It was his turn to look down shyly.
“You told me that you didn’t love me.” He picked at the skin by him thumbs. It was a habit that he picked up from you and never bothered to drop.
“I was never good with words.” You picked up your mug and took a sip. “So any new developments in your life?” You try changing the subject as quickly as possible. Chan moved around uncomfortably in his chair and picked up his drink to take a sip.
“Um yeah, actually.” He speaks quietly from behind his mug. “I.. I um.. I have a girlfriend now.” His voice so quiet and unsure that you almost don’t hear him, in the back of your head you know that was the intention. He was trying to soften the blow. It didn’t help.
“How long?” You swirl the remainder of your hot chocolate in your mug, determined not to make eye contact.
“Just a few months. I don’t know if it’s that serious yet but she’s cool, and she has a cat named butterscotch.” Your mind flashes back to your first time meeting Woojin when he says those words, butterscotch lattes in a new coffee shop sounds like a nice thing to remember right now. “I don’t know if I could ever love her thought.” He adds.
“And why’s that, Chan?” He missed hearing you say his name so softly. He thinks long and hard before answering.
“She’s not you.” He chuckles. You open your mouth to say something back but he stops you with more words. An explanation you couldn’t give him. “I can’t look at her without seeing you. I can’t look at anyone without something about them reminding me of you. Working here doesn’t feel the same. Hot chocolate doesn’t taste right. Flowers don’t smell the same. Everything’s... different” Chan keeps talking but you aren’t listening until he reached across the table and puts a hand over yours. “Hey can you look at me?”
“No,” the words come so quietly from your mouth that it shocks even you. “I don’t think I’ll be able to look at you right now with out falling in love again.” Your voice is shaky and you feel like crying. Why did you always have to cry around him?
“Well then look at me, and if you fall in love again you can make a choice.” More choices, you were plagued with them. The thought bounced around in your head for a few seconds, wondering if you should risk it. Ultimately before your brain can make a decision you take a chance. You move your head in his direction before you moved your eyes. He looked different than he did before. He looks like he’s lost a little weight, his cheeks don’t hold the softness that you remember. His eyes are a little less bright and the bags underneath them look a little less sunken in. But he still feels like the man you fell in love with. “So,” He starts “How do I look?” He smiles. And you smile back at him. The timing of the situation never having felt more perfect.
~
You walk back into the apartment a little bit after one am. Woojin was still up and sitting at the kitchen island, his finger running mindless circles around the rim of his coffee mug. He looks up and smiles when he sees you, not an ounce of sadness in his expression. Every part of him radiating joy at the fact that you just stepped through the door. He stands up quickly and walks over to give you a hug. You return the action without second thought and start crying at the contact.
“Hey, sweetheart.” He pulls back a bit and puts your head in his hands, your arms stay wrapped around his waist and he wipes the tears off your face with his thumbs. “Whats wrong? I’m not mad at you if that’s what your worried about. I’m sorry that I got so upset over nothing.”
“I’m not mad either.” You confess. A heavy silence hangs in the air as you try to think of your next words. Of how you should break it to him. “While I was out... I um.. I went...” Your words trail off, the action of telling him feeling so much worse than the thought.
“I know baby,” Your smile becomes sad as he speaks. “I went out to look for you when you left and I just so happen to be such a great boyfriend, that I knew exactly where to look for you.” He laughs but you only feel sad. He knew you would run to Chan, it broke your heart. You really didn’t deserve him. “I’m not mad I get it.”
“Why aren’t you mad?” Woojin’s face looks confused by your question. “I got into one argument with you after all of these months of you treating my like I’m the only person in the world and I run back to someone that broke my heart. You should be mad. You should be screaming at me and breaking up with me right now as we speak.” You remove your hands from his waist so that you can pull his hands away from your face. Woojin keeps his hands in the same spot even with your efforts. He smiles at you again. A smile that would truly be the death of you.
“Because I love you.” He explains simply. He says it like its so obvious and you feel stupid for ever doubting him. He’s told you that he loves you a million times before this moment, but somehow it holds more meaning this time. So much meaning that it makes you want to cry. “I love you so much more than anything in the world. More than hot chocolate, and sunsets, and singing, and Lion King. I know that this isn’t easy for you and I’m okay with that. I understand that loving you is so much more than having you. All I want is for you to be happy, even if it isn’t with me. If you decide that your happiness is found in someone else then I’m fine with that. If you love something let it go right baby?” You start crying again for the third time that night.
“I don’t deserve you.” You blurt out and bury your face into his neck.
“You deserve the whole world Y/n.” He rubs soft soothing circles on your back. “And if one day, your indecisive ass makes a choice, I’ll be okay with whatever you choose.” You laugh at his comment and pull back from him to wipe your eyes, Woojin’s hands still placed comfortably on your back.
Woojin went to bed earlier than you did that night, he understood that you needed some time alone to think things over. You crawled into bed with him about an hour later for what he assumed to be the last time. You had made your decision, and he was well aware.
#stray kids#stray kids fanfic#stray kids fanfiction#woojin angst#woojin fluff#chan angst#stray kids imagine#stray kids imagines#therapy
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Submission from 🦚
🚨URGENT🚨 I know you are busy with many other Questions but please please answer asap! My mental state has been getting worse after the whole Corona shit started since many escapes and distractions I had from reality hot cancelled and suddenly taken away from me. I have a very bad relationship with my mother who is very controlling, if you ask me emotionally and psychologically abusive (unconsciously) and just overall not taking my problems and her mistakes seriously! ~ 🦚 (1/?) She keeps blaming my childhood filled with bullying for my emotional personality not accepting the fact that telling me to my face as a kindergartener that she apparently was crying in a corner asking god what crime she comitted to get a child like me and filming me while crying as well as literally raising me to believe therapy is bad and being mentally not okay is a huge af crime didn’t affect me at all. I barely remember my childhood. Just bits and pieces. ~🦚 (2/?) Most related to her arent nice! At all! Tonight I had my worst breakdown yet. Im 18 and therefore TECHNICALLY adult. However I’m still considered a student, even if not attended school for months because of constant mental breakdowns on school grounds. I havent finished my education yet, dont know if I’m mentally stable enough to try again next school year, cant have a job, my dad lives right next door and I would see mom on the balcony from his window. ~🦚 (3/?) My grandparents keep distance cuz Corona, moms mom was physically abusive to her and I have almost no relationship with her, my aunt and cousin font have space even tho they try to offer me to stay. There is literally no space to actually like stay there for more than a day or two. I need to get away. Idk what to do. My friends cant take me in either. I dont know how much longer I can keep myself together and I think that I dont want to find out. I just want to be away… ~🦚 (4/?) However.. I’ve many many little siblings. Most teens and pre teens. One a toddler in kindergarten!! I dont want to leave them with her. Or her BF. He was nice at first but turned into an absolute nightmare. I hate it here. I dont feel safe. But I cant go where I feel safe. Please idk what to do anymore please please answer Asap … Location:🇩🇪 Germany ~🦚 (5/ FINAL)
Hi there,
I’m sorry that we’ve kept you waiting for a reply, however we answer all asks in the order we receive them (admin availability and knowledge area dependant), but if you’re ever in an emergency please see our page on what to do. Our current wait time is down to six weeks (and quickly getting shorter) but we also have our live chat admins on at various times through the week.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with everything that going on just now, and it sounds like you’re a bit stuck for options on what to do. With every country having such different lockdown measures and restrictions in place I’m not sure how flexible Germany at the moment. I think something that might be helpful for you to do is perhaps to stay at your aunt and cousins on and off, and talking through some of your issues with them.
You don’t have to tell them all the personal troubles if you don’t feel comfortable, but talking through school and work situations at the moment, and maybe try get some planning done for the future. Feeling like you’re working towards something and having their support might help with feeling there’s a light at the end of tunnel, and you might not feel as trapped as you do at home. I think that if your mental state at your home with your mum is very bad, why don’t you try staying two days with your aunt, then two days at home and keep doing that? So you can still see your siblings and look after them, but you also get to work on your mental health away from your mum if she’s making it particularly hard to do so at home.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling isolated from your family, so I would really recommend trying to keep as in touch with your friends as possible. Phone calls, Skype, FaceTime, texting - just know that you aren’t alone in this and your friends are still here for you even if they can offer you somewhere to stay a the moment. Also, small things like keeping to a routine, getting some fresh air and exercise, good nights sleep etc. will be important for your mental health just now and having these foundations right can help with how you feel overall.
With your mum, it’s very tricky as you’re in the house with her and can’t really leave. I would say for now the best thing you could do would maybe be just to keep your distance from her as much as possible. If you know when you talk with her she’ll upset you, try limit conversation. Normally I’d say that perhaps talking through issues when they arise would help, but as you’re at home with her all the time with no breathing space, it might not be helpful to take that approach if she’s not very receptive or open to a conversation.
If you don’t feel safe and need some specialised advice, try calling a local helpline. Likely there are others similar to you who with this lockdown don’t feel safe at home for that amount at time with who they live and they’ll be able to tell you some services to turn to if you feel you cannot stay there any more.
I hope that you manage to work things out, and keep on going!
Take Care,
Hollie
#🦚#tag as 🦚#submission#submission from 🦚#mhahollie#advice#advice blog#mental health advice#corona#coronavirus#mother#home#student
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･ ･ ･
now that i moved REALLY far away from my family and dont have a working cellphone they can blow up at odd hours. i dont have to play therapist for them anymore, i dont have to listen to their bs sob stories, i dont have to worry about something being thrown at me or getting screamed at or guilted -- i dont actually have to do anything with them. i dont think ive ever felt so.. i dunno? peaceful? happy in my own home? its a nice feeling, i hope this feeling never goes away
sometimes my family tries to talk to me via my dad and act like we’re the best of pals and tell him how much they miss me and love me and everything under the sun [except my moms side of the family, they completely disowned me and cut me off. i actually havent heard anything from them since i moved]
im still mad at all of them to be honest, and i dont think ill ever forgive them for all the shit they put me through. and i KNOW that makes me sound like a Bitter Asshole, and everyone always says you should love your family because “theyre the only family you have” but jesus, they did so much damage to me
like my moms side is a whole train wreck. they always made me feel so hideous and unwanted, theyd try to screw with my memories and tell me things that happened didnt really happen or that im exaggerating. they kept me around p*dos and drug addicts, theyd always tell me how obese i was despite being 90lbs soaking wet, how ugly i was because i didnt wear makeup and because i wore clothes i was comfy in, they never once said i love you to me. i was nothing but a burden my mother would shove onto them while she went out to party and get high
i always talk about how shitty my moms side of the family is. my dads side of the family was real shitty too though. like, it wasnt just my shitty uncle or my crazy aunt, just about all of them were really fucking shitty and werent afraid to lash out on me
theyd all say how much they love me, but theyd criticize every little thing i did and make huge deals out of any small mistakes i did, they also made me feel just as gross and hideous like my moms side of the family would, they loved screaming, they would throw things near or at me, they loved to tell me everything they put me through didnt happen. there was a mixed bag of family members that would either go “your mother is a fucking whore” or “your mother is a saint who did nothing wrong, you just want to make her look bad. youre such a fucking asshole.” oh man and dont even get me started on the amount of times ive been told i should be thankful that i live with them 5 or 6 days of the week because theyre wayyy better than “that trashy shithole your whore of a mothers family is” [and dont get me wrong i AM thankful i wasnt with my mom 24/7!! but still.] and sometimes theyd tell me my dad wouldve been better off if i wasnt born, because then he wouldnt have been stuck dealing with my “whore of a mother” for 16 years while raising me. he couldve been successful if it wasnt for me
sometimes i remember the shit they put me through in vivid detail, sometimes i dream it. sometimes i end up melting down because its all too much to remember, and it just hurts
i always knew i was terrified of a good majority of my dads side of the family, but i never wanted to accept it. i guess its because i found it hard to believe that both sides of my family were equally as bad
it was hard to make friends when i became homeschooled. i mean, i was already painfully shy, but my family didnt try to get me out of my shell. instead they all guilted me into staying home 24/7 to take care of everything. i actually spent more time taking care of my grandparents and their hoarded up house than doing any of my studies [maybe thats why i feel so stupid all the time]
really, i couldnt do fucking anything. if i even had ONE HOUR to myself for therapy theyd yell at me, degrade me, and say how selfish i am because i could be using that time to take care of my family. id actually end up missing a lot of appointments because of them. they would have a huge fit and id have to stay home or take my grandparents to appointments because they just didnt feel like it and thought since all i do is apparently sit on my stupid fucking ass all day its the least i could do. even though i would give so much to them. id give and give and give, and they would still have the audacity to demand more from me
there was a good handful of times where i was extremely suicidal and on the brink of doing somethin stupid, and all my family cared about was having/running up all my credit. we’d get into arguments where id be crying about how i wanna fucking die damn near every day, and all they would say back to me was stupid shit like “Okay so what?? If youre so suicidal you shouldnt care if I use up all your credit for this family!” which was really code for running up all my credit on themselves on God only knows what. most likely drugs, hookers, or useless shit we already had or didnt need.. my dads side of the family only ever really cared about money. they were all so fucking greedy. if i ever used MY OWN money on myself, my dad, or my little sister, they would call me selfish and make me feel shitty and say dumb shit like “oh, you should be using that on your family that cares about you, yknow?”
just like my moms side of the family, my dads side of the family didnt care about me. i was nothing more than a free servant and laborer
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i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?
its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.
sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits
after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo
after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.
at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.
i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm.
in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.
so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.
it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.
all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!
a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself
i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores.
but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.
but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.
i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see
i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!
i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!
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camp miniwaka au uwu
ty rachel u icon! this is probably gonna be the next thing i’ll work on (and after i finish this ask imma yeet to go finish this oneshot bc im so sick of not having it done. but if anyone wants to send more feel free!).
so in this au peter and sam don’t know each other! peter lives in san diego and not oceanside, and his parents just got a divorce and while he’s not shocked that it happened, it’s still a shitty situation and he’s not dealing with it very well. aka he’s repressing everything and just watching movies instead of hanging out with friends (which... he doesnt really have any) or going to a therapist like his mom wants him to. so p much his tía tells his mom abt this summer camp nearby called camp miniwaka, and it seems like a good way to have peter make some friends he can open up to and have fun thats not staying in the movie theaters. she’s like u can do this or therapy but like... dont bottle shit in and say everything’s fine bc thats kinda of why i was in that relationship so long and im worried about you. and peters like well..... i dont want to go to therapy and this will be a waste of my time but whatever it’s like a week i can deal with it for a week if it makes my mom happy
meanwhile, sam still lives in oceanside/goes to hanover. he’s a little bit different in this au bc ... lack of peter. he’s a little more popular well/liked (but not like Popular lets be realistic here). he’s more of a class clown but not dylan status. his best friends are gabi and paige wodecki (gabi’s a camp counselor this year bc she just graduated, paige is still a camper), and he’s been going to this camp forever. recently he’s been dealing with him like. Being Bi and being scared of that and what ppl will think and all that jazz (i feel like he told gabi and paige but he’s never really told anyone else)
ALSO so since peter wasnt at hanover, american vandal was never made, (this is set in the summer between soph/junior year), so everyone thinks dylan did it and he got charged with a fine/community service, and he’s partially fulfilling that by working at camp miniwaka as maintenance and helping out with cooking/cleaning, etc. everyones like omg why is he here and peters like lmao whaT??????? he doesnt find out who did the dicks but peter believes dylan is innocent and tell him as such, he kinda wants to befriend dylan, and he also gets sam to give dylan the benefit of the doubt
so peter thinks this is gonna be all bullshit but then his bunkmate sam is actually p cool and nice (they bond over hating their camp counselor, alex trimbolli, movies, sam invites him to have lunch with him, etc,) and like also Gay. so eventually he finds himself opening up to sam about stuff, as well as dylan (at one point they all get super high bc dylan used the kitched to make edible brownies and they eat it without knowing and sams like hell yeah while peter’s going whathteufkcuewhathfuck bc he was literally telling his mom he doesnt wanna go to oceanside Stoner Central bc hes gonna get addicted to weed elkgnknergerg).
and over the week (or two weeks idk i really havent figured it out lmao), him and sam get really close and they like Almost Kiss at the docks but then they get interrupted. but p much peter’s mom gave him some letters envelopes to write her if he wanted and sam had asked for a couple earlier and used one to write peter a dumb joke. but without knowing it they both wrote each other letters lowkey confessing how they felt, mostly just being like wrow ur weirdly important to me? and sneak them in each others bags before they leave but bc both of them are fucking dumb they dont leave any contact info and sam hate social media so they dont talk for a year........... ~until the next summer~ and i’ll leave it at that!
send me an au an i’ll give you 5+ headcanons about it
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oh god all that sounds rough.. im so sorry for ur loss. i hope ure taking the time u need to grieve and let the pain take its course :/ also, i flunked an econs final last semester and had to retake the mod so... Cs and Ds get degrees!!! 🫠 sending you all my love (not that it would help at all but.. just wishing u well :( )
if it's any consolation.. i love your new fic ideas <3 and i get really excited reading your stuff, even if i dont always come on ur asks to tell u. absolutely adore your imagination and creativity and am considering turning on notifs for ur blog 👀 i would have interacted with u more when u posted ur renjun ones (which i really enjoyed but 1. i rarely read renjun fics since he isn't one of my ults 2. i was preparing for finals and shouldnt have been on tumblr in the first place lmao 💔) (also the fact that u got me reading hrj stuff,, ?? when i dont usually ?? hello ?? i deadass see him in a different light now and it's ur fault 💔 i literally dont have space in my brain to get bias wrecked anymore) ANYWAY i really enjoyed reading privacy, i kinda j fell into it.. all the pining and the banter and how sweet they are to one another and PLEASE the goddamn could-haves / would-haves leading up to them finally running into each other and REALISING THAT THEYVE BEEN UNDER EACH OTHERS' NOSES ALL ALONG good god YES i dont even watch bridgerton but the way u set everything up was chef's kiss
i know u love to talk abt ur stuff so i'll talk abt it with u <3 that new jeno fic ure working on... sign me tf up ✅✅✅ u only wrote one scene but i am HOOKED like i cant wait for the plot... istg the wet dream thing is so??????? UGH the way just one dream is going to absolutely change EVERYTHING
and ALSO my heart yearns for new axis 💔💔 I HAVENT FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT 💔💔
sorry, I'm just seeing this.
I'm processing stuff; I'm in therapy (I constantly make posts about it). It's horrible but also good at the same time. Cs and Ds get degrees but not letters of recommendations 🙃
tbh, most times I feel like I come up with lazy story ideas, like, I kind of just merge various tropes and plots into one fic, but the product is just ... lazy. idk. you're also 100% not obligated to come into my ask box every time that I'm online or anything; you do not owe me anything, and I'm not entitled to your thoughts about my stuff. Like, you definitely do not have to read my stupid ideas about renjun ._. honestly, my fics can probably be superimposed onto different members if you think about it; it's just arbitrary that I see a certain member in the light of the fic.
And you should take time away from social media if you have other things to do; it's really not important to talk to me anyways. I'm just here, hanging out, 'cause I don't have anywhere else to post or talk about nct, and it's not really important. it's just a hobby, nothing special here.
but I'm glad you liked privacy. I've been thinking about it for awhile, since season 2 episode 6 The Choice, but I just didn't write it ... until i did. Tbh, people keep saying that they don't watch bridgerton (I literally do not know more than one other person who has seen through season 2), and I was on the fence about it too, but Jaemin mentioned that he liked season 1 so I tried it out again and s2 is a lot better than s1. But in terms of the fic, idk ... I kinda saw someone else do a bridgerton inspired fic, and I got irritated at, like, the western-specific history, which is dumb because everyone is entitled to their own writing, but I just feel like there's not enough Asian art or Asian history. Like, everything has to be set in America, in an American context, in American English, etc., and it gets a bit tiring, but I also recognize how pretentious that sounds, so I just write my own fics set in Korea, in a Korean/ish context, in the Seoul dialect.
The jeno fic (Married) is out now!!! I hope it doesn't disappoint. I spent like two weeks writing this, rewriting every intro paragraph like 5 times over so that everything flows.
Yeah, I'm thinking about new axis and I'm periodically writing it. I just ... don't really see people being interested in that series, sorry. I'm going to write it though. I'm just a little ... traumatized ... from posting the baseball au stuff because that was when people kept telling me that my writing sucks and that my fics are a disappointment
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so, a while ago me and my friend like Broke Up our friendship. we were super close like we talked to eachother abt shit you basically Dont Talk about (other than like therapy ig) like self harm even like Deep shit we were super close and the breakup was very sudden for me and really sucked because of the phrasing and wording and i was afraid my friend (we'll call them. Maple ig idfk) i was afraid their mom had gotten ahold of their account. this is kinda long but w a good ending so hold on (1/?)
(2/?) Maple had already deleted their tumblr but we were still talking on hangouts and, basically the breakup was super bad. they said shit abt like how they have to “focus on real life friendships” and shit – like i understood their original like Reason for it (they felt shitty like they were leading a double life which understandable yk???) but they ended up saying such hurtful stuff i was afraid it wasnt them talking. but the next morning they sent me videos of themself saying basically the
(3/?) same shit. So that really sucked and i was super messed up about it for like a whole week (like as in could hardly function – we’d been friends for almost a year and we we’re lowkey like planning to move in w eachother when we get older) and then i finally like started saying like Yeah me and my best friend like broke up but it was like. super painful for a really long time. Cut to a few months later, it turns out theyre back on tumblr (i found their url through a mutual friend, after the
(4/?) mutual friend answered an ask – the url looked like something theyd said/would say so i clicked on it and it was them) and that sent me. like reeling and i was fucked up again. a while later said mutual friend randomly deleted and after a day or so Maple messaged me and asked if i knew what happened. we tried to Kind of idk. mend things but it didnt work and i was still super hurt. we broke up back in september. jan i started not thinking about them so much, but when i did it hurt so bad
(5/?) cut to april 26th this year. they message me on hangouts asking to talk. i dont see it until May 21st because i deleted the app and dont log into gmail on my laptop a lot so i didnt see it at all. so after like a few hours of fucking. being really fucking. like shell shocked, i reply lets talk. i still cry when i hear/see things that remind me of them. 2 days later, Maple replies. we start kind of talking, though now all my fucking walls ever are up and im really like emotional and crying
(6/?) this is the fourth time ive typed this i hate the internet. hopefully i havent hit ask limit. anyway. maple and i talk. they apologize – not in the Cheap way, but in the Meaningful way, and its good. long conversation short, i tell them i dont think i can be friends right now, but i want to be on good terms, so it stops feeling like part of me is Missing and Gone. they agree. we agree to be able to check up on eachother when we need to. for the first time in a long time i feel. relieved.
(7/7) hopefully that went through. anyways. idk, maybe we’ll be friends again one day. I want to be. i love them a lot, they just hurt me really fucking bad yk. i just dont think i could Do That right now, yk? but this… this is a start. Not an ending. Not a… new beginning either. A continuation, i guess. Im still. Hurt. But im finally. Recovering. It’s good.
anon this was such a wild ride…………. i was hanging on for the whole fucking thing i should’ve waited until it was all sent to start reading it bc i was hooked……. i’m really happy that you two have been able to get to a better place tho!!!! losing friends HURTS and it’s so much better if you can leave off/keep things at a quiet but good place. and i’m really glad that you’re able to start feeling better after it all now too!! best of luck to you babe!
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