#i haven't edited in months i'm the Worst
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Honestly I'm pretty tired of supporting nostalgebraist-autoresponder. Going to wind down the project some time before the end of this year.
Posting this mainly to get the idea out there, I guess.
This project has taken an immense amount of effort from me over the years, and still does, even when it's just in maintenance mode.
Today some mysterious system update (or something) made the model no longer fit on the GPU I normally use for it, despite all the same code and settings on my end.
This exact kind of thing happened once before this year, and I eventually figured it out, but I haven't figured this one out yet. This problem consumed several hours of what was meant to be a relaxing Sunday. Based on past experience, getting to the bottom of the issue would take many more hours.
My options in the short term are to
A. spend (even) more money per unit time, by renting a more powerful GPU to do the same damn thing I know the less powerful one can do (it was doing it this morning!), or
B. silently reduce the context window length by a large amount (and thus the "smartness" of the output, to some degree) to allow the model to fit on the old GPU.
Things like this happen all the time, behind the scenes.
I don't want to be doing this for another year, much less several years. I don't want to be doing it at all.
----
In 2019 and 2020, it was fun to make a GPT-2 autoresponder bot.
[EDIT: I've seen several people misread the previous line and infer that nostalgebraist-autoresponder is still using GPT-2. She isn't, and hasn't been for a long time. Her latest model is a finetuned LLaMA-13B.]
Hardly anyone else was doing anything like it. I wasn't the most qualified person in the world to do it, and I didn't do the best possible job, but who cares? I learned a lot, and the really competent tech bros of 2019 were off doing something else.
And it was fun to watch the bot "pretend to be me" while interacting (mostly) with my actual group of tumblr mutuals.
In 2023, everyone and their grandmother is making some kind of "gen AI" app. They are helped along by a dizzying array of tools, cranked out by hyper-competent tech bros with apparently infinite reserves of free time.
There are so many of these tools and demos. Every week it seems like there are a hundred more; it feels like every day I wake up and am expected to be familiar with a hundred more vaguely nostalgebraist-autoresponder-shaped things.
And every one of them is vastly better-engineered than my own hacky efforts. They build on each other, and reap the accelerating returns.
I've tended to do everything first, ahead of the curve, in my own way. This is what I like doing. Going out into unexplored wilderness, not really knowing what I'm doing, without any maps.
Later, hundreds of others with go to the same place. They'll make maps, and share them. They'll go there again and again, learning to make the expeditions systematically. They'll make an optimized industrial process of it. Meanwhile, I'll be locked in to my own cottage-industry mode of production.
Being the first to do something means you end up eventually being the worst.
----
I had a GPT chatbot in 2019, before GPT-3 existed. I don't think Huggingface Transformers existed, either. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.
I had a denoising diffusion image generator in 2021, before DALLE-2 or Stable Diffusion or Huggingface Diffusers. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.
Earlier this year, I was (probably) one the first people to finetune LLaMA. I manually strapped LoRA and 8-bit quantization onto the original codebase, figuring out everything the hard way. It was fun.
Just a few months later, and your grandmother is probably running LLaMA on her toaster as we speak. My homegrown methods look hopelessly antiquated. I think everyone's doing 4-bit quantization now?
(Are they? I can't keep track anymore -- the hyper-competent tech bros are too damn fast. A few months from now the thing will be probably be quantized to -1 bits, somehow. It'll be running in your phone's browser. And it'll be using RLHF, except no, it'll be using some successor to RLHF that everyone's hyping up at the time...)
"You have a GPT chatbot?" someone will ask me. "I assume you're using AutoLangGPTLayerPrompt?"
No, no, I'm not. I'm trying to debug obscure CUDA issues on a Sunday so my bot can carry on talking to a thousand strangers, every one of whom is asking it something like "PENIS PENIS PENIS."
Only I am capable of unplugging the blockage and giving the "PENIS PENIS PENIS" askers the responses they crave. ("Which is ... what, exactly?", one might justly wonder.) No one else would fully understand the nature of the bug. It is special to my own bizarre, antiquated, homegrown system.
I must have one of the longest-running GPT chatbots in existence, by now. Possibly the longest-running one?
I like doing new things. I like hacking through uncharted wilderness. The world of GPT chatbots has long since ceased to provide this kind of value to me.
I want to cede this ground to the LLaMA techbros and the prompt engineers. It is not my wilderness anymore.
I miss wilderness. Maybe I will find a new patch of it, in some new place, that no one cares about yet.
----
Even in 2023, there isn't really anything else out there quite like Frank. But there could be.
If you want to develop some sort of Frank-like thing, there has never been a better time than now. Everyone and their grandmother is doing it.
"But -- but how, exactly?"
Don't ask me. I don't know. This isn't my area anymore.
There has never been a better time to make a GPT chatbot -- for everyone except me, that is.
Ask the techbros, the prompt engineers, the grandmas running OpenChatGPT on their ironing boards. They are doing what I did, faster and easier and better, in their sleep. Ask them.
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Homeless LGBT Mutual Aid - Birthday Edition!
Hello everyone, it's my birthday (November 7th)!
My little family and I have been homeless these last three years and, even when we were both bringing in money, we couldn't make enough to get approved for housing where we were living. Last month, after I lost employment, we were forced to put together what little we had and left for a new, more affordable city. Unfortunately, it's been a struggle getting basic needs set up and we haven't yet found a place to stay, so we need help getting by while I try and find work. We are still homeless and it's been incredibly cold/rainy/snowy these last few weeks and, since I'm still sick, I can't afford to be without shelter.
It's my birthday this month and what I would love more than anything right now is some peace of mind, a hot meal that isn't fast food, and something warm to wear as the weather gets colder. I'm overwhelmed with bills and it's a constant struggle to keep ourselves safe in a motel. Any help anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated, as well as kind words to get us through. I appreciate everyone who has shown support while we have been going through the worst points in our lives.
Venmo: @garbageconnoisseur
CashApp: $garbageconnoisseur
Reach out for PayPal or Zelle.
(Please, no hate and no unsolicited advice. I am too tired to deal with anyone's biases right now so you will be blocked.)
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Dipping my toe in the water
Something I am anxious about under the cut.
I could talk at length about the pro column and con column that has been running in my brain for the past few months re: discord. I will spare you (most) of that though. (This post could be a lot longer - can you imagine???)
My fear is that a server meets expectations. Like, forget about worst case scenarios (I sure haven't); The most successful version of a server, in my mind, is something that is going to divide my attention from the game if I'm responsible for moderating it. The server functioning in the best case scenario is going to have good stuff, bad stuff, jokes, drama, people becoming friends and people becoming enemies.
But it is still something I am strongly considering. I think it would be great to have a cool online hangout where the community surrounding this little experiment can grow, and a place that has some more immediacy in communication than tumblr or youtube does.
I used to run a pretty big server for which I was mostly responsible, and nuked it when it got too stressful. I learned a lot from that, including (perhaps most importantly) that I don't want to be in that position ever again. So that's what this post is about. If I could find and line up some moderators who would be willing to help maintain a healthy distance between myself and the responsibility of a server, it would make the decision a lot easier.
I loathe asking anyone to help out in any capacity; it has taken me a long time to edit and release this post & the accompanying form. But if you're willing to lend some of your downtime/energy to help run something like this, I have a form here: LINK
Thanks for all your time & support, I appreciate it it.
PS: It goes without saying, this is not confirmation that I am going to even establish a discord server. Like the title of the post says, I am just dipping my toe in the water.
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* ( GUTS BY OLIVIA RODRIGO / SENTENCE PROMPTS.
These may have been edited for clarity or length or to better apply for roleplaying.
❛ i pay attention to things that most people ignore ❜
❛ i'm alright with the movies that make jokes about senseless cruelty ❜
❛ i feel for your every little issue ❜
❛ i know just what you mean ❜
❛ i make light of the darkness ❜
❛ i've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket ❜
❛ you know me ❜
❛ i forgive and i forget ❜
❛ i know my age and i act like it ❜
❛ i've got what you can't resist ❜
❛ i got class and integrity just like a goddamn kennedy ❜
❛ i'm a perfect all-american bitch ❜
❛ i know my place ❜
❛ i don't get angry when i'm pissed ❜
❛ i'm the eternal optimist ❜
❛ i scream inside to deal with it ❜
❛ i'm grateful all the time ❜
❛ i'm sexy and i'm kind ❜
❛ i'm pretty when i cry ❜
❛ haven't heard from you in a couple of months ❜
❛ i'm out right now and i'm all fucked up ❜
❛ i'm sensing some undertone ❜
❛ i'm right here with all my friends ❜
❛ i know we're done ❜
❛ i know we're through ❜
❛ my brain goes 'ah' can't hear my thoughts ❜
❛ i cannot hear my thoughts ❜
❛ i should probably not ❜
❛ seeing you tonight, it's a bad idea, right? ❜
❛ it's a bad idea, right? ❜
❛ fuck it, it's fine ❜
❛ yes, i know that he's my ex. but can't two people reconnect? ❜
❛ i only see him as a friend, the biggest lie i ever said ❜
❛ i just tripped and fell into his bed ❜
❛ now i'm gettin' in the car, wreckin' all my plans ❜
❛ i know i should stop, but i can't ❜
❛ i told my friends i was asleep but i never said where or in whose sheets ❜
❛ i'm sure i've seen much hotter men but i really can't remember when ❜
❛ how's the castle built off people you pretend to care about ❜
❛ i see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when i close my eyes ❜
❛ i loved you truly ❜
❛ you gotta laugh at the stupidity ❜
❛ i've made some real big mistakes but you make the worst one look fine ❜
❛ i've made some real big mistakes ❜
❛ i should've known it was strange you only come out at night ❜
❛ i used to think i was smart but you made me look so naïve ❜
❛ the way you sold me for parts as you sunk your teeth into me ❜
❛ bleeding me dry like a goddamn vampire ❜
❛ every girl i ever talked to told me you were bad news ❜
❛ you're so convincing ❜
❛ how do you lie without flinching? ❜
❛ how do you lie? ❜
❛ what a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked up little thrill ❜
❛ i can't figure out just how you do it and god knows i never will ❜
❛ you went for me and not her 'cause girls your age know better ❜
❛ you said it was true love but wouldn't that be hard? ❜
❛ you can't love anyone 'cause that would mean you had a heart ❜
❛ i tried to help you out ❜
❛ i tried to help you out now i know that i can't ❜
❛ how you think's the kind of thing i'll never understand ❜
❛ aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of hell? ❜
❛ did i ever tell you that i'm not doing well? ❜
❛ i linger all the time ❜
❛ i linger all the time watching, hidden in plain sight ❜
❛ i try but it takes over my life ❜
❛ i see you everywhere ❜
❛ the sweetest torture one could bear ❜
❛ i'm losing it lately ❜
❛ i feel your compliments like bullets on skin ❜
❛ aren't you the greatest thing to ever exist? ❜
❛ my stomach's all in knots ❜
❛ you got the one thing that i want ❜
❛ people are people, but it's like you're made of angel dust ❜
❛ it's like you're out to get me ❜
❛ you poison every little thing that i do ❜
❛ i just loathe you lately ❜
❛ i despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you ❜
❛ i despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you ❜
❛ i don't think i get along with anyone ❜
❛ i'm on the outside of the greatest inside joke ❜
❛ i hate all my clothes ❜
❛ it feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones ❜
❛ so i guess i should go ❜
❛ the party's done, and i'm no fun ❜
❛ i broke a glass, i tripped and fell ❜
❛ i tripped and fell ❜
❛ i told secrets i shouldn't tell ❜
❛ i stumbled over all my words ❜
❛ i made it weird ❜
❛ i made it worse ❜
❛ each time i step outside it's social suicide ❜
❛ i wanna curl up and die ❜
❛ i laughed at the wrong time ❜
❛ i talked to this hot guy, swore i was his type ❜
❛ everything i do is tragic ❜
❛ the morning after i panic ❜
❛ oh god, what did i say? ❜
❛ when i'm alone, i'm fine ❜
❛ don't let me out at night ❜
❛ i'm shocked i'm still alive ❜
❛ i called you the wrong name twice ❜
❛ i want it, so i got it ❜
❛ another thing i ruined, i used to do for fun ❜
❛ another conversation with nothing good to say ❜
❛ another day pretending i'm older than i am ❜
❛ another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine ❜
❛ sometimes i feel like i don't wanna be where i am ❜
❛ i push away all the people who know me the best ❜
❛ it's me who's been makin' the bed ❜
❛ i'm so tired of being the girl that i am ❜
❛ every good thing has turned into somethin' i dread ❜
❛ i'm playin' the victim so well in my head ❜
❛ every night, i wake up from this one recurring dream ❜
❛ i read somewhere it's 'cause my life feels so out of control ❜
❛ i tell someone i love them just as a distraction ❜
❛ they tell me that they love me like i'm some tourist attraction ❜
❛ i got the things i wanted, it's just not what i imagined ❜
❛ i'm counting all of the beautiful things i regret ❜
❛ i'm pulling the sheets over my head ❜
❛ you're so good at what you do ❜
❛ you come for me like a savior ❜
❛ i'd put myself through hell for you ❜
❛ i fell for you like water ❜
❛ i couldn't get out if i tried ❜
❛ it was all in my mind ❜
❛ now you got me thinking ❜
❛ love is never logical ❜
❛ all the things you did to me ❜
❛ you lied ❜
❛ i'm sure that girl is really your friend ❜
❛ you said i was too soft ❜
❛ why do I do this? ❜
❛ i know i'm half responsible and that makes me feel horrible ❜
❛ i know i could've stopped it all, god, why didn't i stop it all? ❜
❛ i met a guy in the summer and i left him in the spring ❜
❛ i wanna make him feel bad ❜
❛ i wanna make him really jealous ❜
❛ i really miss him and it makes me real sad ❜
❛ i want sweet revenge ❜
❛ i want him again ❜
❛ i want to get him back ❜
❛ i write him all these letters, then i throw them in the trash ❜
❛ i miss the way he kisses and the way he made me laugh ❜
❛ he said i was the only girl, but that just wasn't the truth ❜
❛ i am my father's daughter, so maybe i could fix him ❜
❛ i wanna key his car ❜
❛ i wanna break his heart ❜
❛ he's not even gonna know what hit him ❜
❛ he's gonna love me and hate me at the same time ❜
❛ i don't know ❜
❛ i told my friends you were the one ❜
❛ i stayed in bed for like a week ❜
❛ when you said space was what you need, i waited by my phone like a goddamn fool ❜
❛ love's fucking embarrassing ❜
❛ how could i be so stupid? ❜
❛ you found a new version of me ❜
❛ what was i even doing? ❜
❛ i give up ❜
❛ i give up everything ❜
❛ i keep coming back for more ❜
❛ i have nightmares each week about that friday ❜
❛ one phone call from you and my entire world was changed ❜
❛ you took everything i loved and crushed it in between your fingers ❜
❛ i doubt you ever think about the damage that you did ❜
❛ i hold on to every detail like my life depends on it ❜
❛ i hear your voice every time that i think i'm not enough ❜
❛ i try to be tough, but i wanna scream ❜
❛ how could anybody do the things you did so easily? ❜
❛ i say i don't care, i say that i'm fine but you know i can't let it go ❜
❛ i've tried for so long ❜
❛ it takes strength to forgive, but i don't feel strong ❜
❛ i try to understand why you would do this all to me ❜
❛ i know in my heart hurt people hurt people ❜
❛ do you think i deserved it all? ❜
❛ you built me up to watch me fall ❜
❛ you have everything and you still want more ❜
❛ even after all this, you're still everything to me ❜
❛ i know you don't care ❜
❛ there's always something missing ❜
❛ when pretty isn't pretty enough what do you do? ❜
❛ i could change up my body and change up my face ❜
❛ i'd always feel the same ❜
❛ you can win the battle but you'll never win the war ❜
❛ fix the things you hated and you'd still feel so insecure ❜
❛ i try to ignore it, but it's everything i see ❜
❛ i don't know why i even try ❜
❛ i bought all the clothes that they told me to buy ❜
❛ i chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life ❜
❛ none of it matters and none of it ends ❜
❛ you just feel like shit over and over again ❜
❛ when am i gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise? ❜
❛ when am i gonna stop being a pretty young thing to guys? ❜
❛ when will it stop being cool to be quietly misunderstood? ❜
❛ i'm sorry that i couldn't always be your teenage dream ❜
❛ when does wide-eyed affection and all good intentions start to not be enough? ❜
❛ will i spend all the rest of my years wishing i could go back? ❜
❛ they all say that it gets better ❜
❛ it gets better the more you grow ❜
❛ it gets better, but what if i don't? ❜
#rp meme#rp memes#rp prompts#ask meme#meme#memes#roleplay meme#ask memes#lyric meme#lyrics#guts#guts olivia rodrigo#olivia rodrigo
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tornado warnings 🌪⚠️
warnings: vulgar language, maybe gets a little sexual but not real smut, getting back with an ex (don't do this seriously its the WORST decision you'll ever make)
author's note: GUYS i am so obsessed with sabrina carpenter so i js HADDDDD to make a matt oneshot based on one of her songs!!
edit: yall are getting this early bc i couldn't wait to post it & i also just hate having stuff in my drafts!!
_____________
"matt," you laughed, stumbling over your own feet as you tried to make your way to him.
"c'mon, just a few more steps. don't fall now, darling." he joked, and you swear you felt nauseous at the thought of it.
your eyes glanced to the ground, and you forgot how high up you were. was the alcohol just making it seem higher?
you took the last few steps with caution, and right at the last one, you stepped on your shoelace, causing you to stumble forward.
"shit," matt gasped, grabbing your forearm tight but gentle enough that it wouldn't hurt. he pulled you back, the both of you falling on your asses on the roof.
matt laughed at your shocked expression, acting as if you hadn't almost broken bones. he was always like this, never feeling anything. and even if he did, he would just find it funny.
"what the fuck?" you gasped, and before you could even yell at him, you started to laugh. his laughter was contagious, everyone would agree.
his hold on you didn't last long, quickly pushing you out of his arms and getting to his feet.
your smile faded as you watches him crawl back into the house through the window, leaving you by yourself.
what kind of boyfriend does that?
you shook your head, fending off the bad thoughts and quickly thinking of how many other guys were worse. matt wasn't even a bad boyfriend.
he just... was a little scared of relationships. it was the commitment, he always said.
_____________
sighing, you stared up at the ceiling of the office, the only sound in the room being a pen writing on paper and your quiet breaths.
"so, back to what we talked about last session, your boyfriend?--"
"ex." you corrected, looking back in your therapists direction.
"oh, i'm sorry ms. y/l/n. uhm, you said you felt unwanted, but that you still believed he had a good heart, is that correct?" the man asked, looking down at the paper in his clipboard.
"yeah, yes, that's right." you breathed, fidgeting with your hands as you looked around the room.
"you also said that you planned to breakup with him, cut off all communication. have you spoken to him since said breakup?" he tilted his head, looking up from his clipboard.
shit.
"no, no i haven't. never saw him. never kissed him." you said, your voice growing quiet as you said the last words.
if he didn't see it, it doesn't exist. he doesn't have to know.
the man sighed, taking his glasses off before placing them on a table to the side, "ms. y/l/n, this is a safe space, you know that. we've been doing these sessions for a little over 7 months now, and i'm sure that you know everything you tell me in here is private and is never spoken of outside this office."
"i know, i do feel that this is a safe space. and i swear to you i'm telling the truth. im over that son of a bitch. he's the worst." your lips curved into a reassuring smile, and unsurprisingly it hadn't helped your case.
"okay," he sighed.
_____________
you glanced at the clock on the wall, sitting at the island in your kitchen as you finished up some work on your computer.
your phone was left untouched next to your mouse pad and you silently prayed that it remained silent.
the screen lit up, and an array of messages suddenly blew up your phone.
great, just what you wanted!
you didn't take your eyes off the computer screen, but as soon as you saw matts contact name in the corner of your eye, you couldn't help but grab the phone.
matt🫀: 'can i come over???'
matt🫀: 'nvm im already On my way!'
matt🫀: 'bringing snacks btw, we should watch a movie if ur down'
matt🫀: 'was gonna ask what u wanted but u take centuries to reply soooo coke and kit-kats it is :)
"what?" you whispered, chuckling quietly at his texts.
no, you can't laugh. none of this was funny, and he knows that he's crossing your boundaries right now. why does he always do this?
you: you js keep gaining red flags every day, we're not playing capture the flag, ykw that right?🚩
matt🫀: we're always playing capture the flag, the only flags i collect r green tho!💋
he couldn't be serious. was he even real?
you: sassy man apocalypse has started yet again😱
matt🫀: you take the man out of the sassy apocalypse, not the sassy out the man🤷♀️
you: your the worst
matt🫀: you're*
your thumb hit the power button, and not even a minute later, the doorbell rung.
having forgotten about your laptop, you quickly jumped to your feet and ran to the door. a smile was plastered on your lips, and you couldn't seem to get rid of it.
why must you always fall for his tricks. he's such a dick.
"hey, darling," he smiled, his backpack hanging off one shoulder and a plastic grocery bag hanging off the other.
his pet name caught you off guard, and you swore your knees almost gave out. no man has ever made you as weak as matt has.
who does he think he is?
"hi, matt." you smiled, and he didn't hesitate when he leaned down to kiss you.
your hand went to his chest, pushing him back and moving your head to the side even if your hand kept him back.
he scoffed in fake offense, pulling away, "you're no fun, y'know?"
"i'm fully aware." you laughed before moving to the side to let him in.
he went straight to your room, having known your house so well since he had been living with you for a while before.
all doubtful thoughts were thrown out the window as you made your way to the bedroom. you caught matts eye as you made you walked in.
"c'mere," he smiled, gesturing you over with a wave of his hand, "what movie should we watch?"
you couldn't help but smile, almost forgetting all the prominent red flags that he had. he was the worst.
or maybe he wasn't as bad as you thought. maybe it was just you.
he was good for you. he kept you on your feet, kept you grounded.
"baby." he said, his voice breaking you out of your thoughts, "come here,"
matt smiled as he patted the empty spot next to him, and you wasted no time in getting on the bed and situating yourself beside him.
his hand grazes your thigh as he reaches over you for the remote, turning the TV on before scrolling through endless amounts of movies.
"superhero movie?" he asked quietly, looking over at you as you shook your head.
"wow, surprising." he joked, clicking through some more movies that didn't catch either of your eyes.
matt ditched the remote on what used to be his nightstand before he rolled over to face you.
his eyes were still that deep blue that you loved, and the smirk on his face didn't help as you tried to look away.
"i missed you," matt muttered, his voice soft as his fingers danced along the skin of your arm.
your breath hitched as his hand found the hem of your shirt and went under it, that stupid smirk on his face making it impossible for you to deny him.
"matt, we can't--"
"shh," his lips were dangerously close to yours now, and you didn't even want to question how he got so close to you in just a few seconds.
"there's not a rule that we can't, and we both know you need this. just let me relieve your stress, yeah?"
what the fuck is matthew sturniolos secret.
his hand traveled further up your shirt until it landed on your breast, and you couldn't help the gasp that escapes your lips as he squeezed it.
with his free hand, he propped himself on top of you, knees on either side of your body as he leaned down to your lips.
you couldn't resist him, not now that he was corrupting all your senses. all you knew was him now.
"no, matt." you muttered against his lips, your hand gentle against his chest as you tried but failed to push him away.
you couldn't do this anymore. it was killing you. he didn't want anything more than just a fuck-buddy and you both knew that.
so why was it so hard to push him away?
"matt," you gasped as you felt his lips on your neck, his smell intoxicating as your eyes fluttered shut.
no, you wouldn't do this anymore.
"matt, get off." your gentleness was gone now as you pushed him with real strength, he didn't give a single fuck about you, really.
the boy didn't hesitate to stop, quickly climbing off you before plopping right back next to you on the bed.
"shit, i'm sorry, baby." he muttered, real worry in his voice.
you shook your head, sitting up as you covered you face with your hands.
"please, just leave. we can't do this anymore. seriously." you sighed, tears pricking in your eyes.
"but--" matt tried, but you cut him off just as he was about to start begging.
"get out, matt." your hands went back to your sides, but you didn't dare look at him.
he would only reel you back in.
the boy sighed, frowning as he collected his stuff slowly.
he stopped when he reached the doorway of your bedroom, turning back to look at you, and this time you looked back.
"i do love you, y/n." he said quietly before leaving, shutting the door gently.
your lips parted as you took in the words that had just left his mouth.
no, it was a lie. it always was.
it wasn't true, right?
this was just another red flag to add to the list. all the lies he'd say.
fuck, he drives you crazy.
. . .
#sturniolo triplets#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo x you#matt sturniolo imagine#matthew sturniolo#matt sturniolo angst#sturniolo#sturniolo imagine#the sturniolo triplets#sturniolo x reader#sturniolo fanfic
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An add-on to the financial dom ask. When Dream is particularly bad, he is given the worst punishment. Worse than not being allowed to cum for days. Hob refuses to spend any of Dream money. Not a single pound. No new pretty clothes. No first edition books. No new toys. Dream cries when Hob complains that he can't go to this high-end restaurant opening night he had been excited about it because he could not afford it. (That's a lie. Not even a year as Dream Dom, and he has enough money to travel the world in luxury several times over)
YELLING this is such a good addition to the findom ask!!! I'm literally obsessed with dreamling and this kink now tbh.
Like. Imagine!!! Hob with his arms folded, looking at Dream so sternly. Such disappointment in his eyes. "You didn't follow the rules, did you darling? You haven't been looking after yourself, you've been working late again. Did you think I wouldn't find out and punish you?"
And Dream is squirming, feeling pathetic under the gaze of this young man who's decked out in Armani and Louis Vuitton - all bought with Dream’s money. Hob sighs sadly and shakes his head.
"Well, you can cancel my allowance for this month for a start. And you'll have to send back those concert tickets too. I'd better start looking for jobs again..."
Poor Dream ends up on the floor grovelling for forgiveness, promising to be good, promising to fall all the rules. Please, please just let him pay Hob’s rent and bills? He'll take the rest of his punishment but he can't bear it if Hob cuts him off completely.
And Hob is merciful. But Dream had better keep his promises this time, or Hob will make him watch as he puts all the shoes Dream bought him up for sale on ebay.
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Jim and Oluwande got the worst end of the deal. I'd even say they regressed as both characters and partners and anything they had built up in s1 was almost completely stripped away from them. The way they're portrayed together and apart in s2 is not only unlike the characters we saw in s1, but their rich storyline was reduced to extreme side characters used only as plot devices in a way they absolutely did not have to be used. I LOVED them in s1, and I was so disappointed by what s2 did to them and their potential growth, which I think applies to pretty much everything in s2, not only them.
Mind if I piggyback of this ask to go into all my critiques of the handling of Jim/Olu in Season 2? Thanks!
OFMD Critique: Tealoranges, Dropped Storylines, and Wasted Potential
God, the issues I have with the writing of Season 2 extend in so many directions. Jim's character, I felt, was well-handled for at least the first two episodes but then slowly starts skewing wrong as early as episode 3 (I am still chewing glass over the way their reunion scene with Oluwande was written- or, rather, NOT written). Episode 4 was good, but everything after that? Someone said that Jim in the back half of the season feels more like Vico than Jim, and though I do love and appreciate Vico, it's completely true. Jim doesn't feel like the same character we've come to know, whether from Season 1 or even what is set up in early season 2.
And yet, I STILL feel like they're written better than Olu, if you can believe it? So, I haven't talked about this much, but I feel like Olu is done dirty from almost the moment he is introduced in Season 2. At least Jim (through editing alone, but hey, we'll give the show the smallest benefit of the doubt) gets an acknowledgement that they miss Olu during that flashback sequences while they talk to Archie- Olu doesn't even get that. I read about a deleted scene that would have had Pete and Olu desperate to reunite with Lucius and Jim in episode 1 and I feel like that was DESPERATELY needed to make the Season 1 finale -> Season 2 jump make any sort of sense. I like Zheng, but for the love of God, her romance with Olu (which I had my own issues with for the disservice it does both their characters) is not worth destroying the tealoranges build up from Season 1. Just cut something from the first episode or one of the Zheng/Olu scenes from the second episode to make it make sense.
Then, moving onto later in the season- I've posted about how Olu and Jim deserved the grand, epic reunion otherwise 1x10 and everything set up with them in Season 1 doesn't make sense. Could the writers of the show have possibly redistributed some of the glorious cinematography from Ed and Stede over to Jim and Olu? All I need is one shot of their reunion (a proper, emotional one, not played for laughs or friendship or whatever) framed by the sun to parallel Ed and Stede's being framed by the moon and I would have been happy on that front.
And then later in the season...I was down for the poly elements if they could have been executed better. Fanfics have shown that the Archie plot could have been executed well. But the fact that Zheng is straight up NOT MENTIONED until 2x7 by Olu? And then Jim says that he's been pining for her the whole time? I'm sorry, but it doesn't compute. Show, don't tell. There's a reason why I'm down for Jim/Archie/Olu (if executed well), but can't see Zheng/Olu at all.
But of course, 2x7 comes along and we get the "family who fucked" line. And the implication that Olu could have ever left the Revenge without Jim, when in Season 1 he became a wreck because Jim left for A FEW DAYS, much less was FORCEFULLY SEPARATED from him for MONTHS. Then in the finale, at the lupete wedding, they were separated out, him with Zheng and them with Archie, and, well, at that point...I was tired. I'm not gonna lie. Because this wasn't questionable or problematic writing, it just fundamentally DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.
And this is just on a romantic relationship POV. I hated seeing Olu lose his leadership arc from Season 1 and his loyalty to Jim and his nuanced emotional level-headedness/sense of logic. Season 1 really felt like it was slowly building up the idea that the ideal Captain was neither Stede nor Blackbeard but someone a bit more rational, a bit more grounded, a bit more communicative with his crew- someone like Olu. And he gets shoved into the back in Season 2 and reduced to the guy who can't sort scrolls or know that the BOATS ON A MAP MATTER. He gets no influence on plot or major decisions when he was often the voice of reason in Season 1 (we all remember Lucius being a romantic voice of reason in Season 1, but rarely remember that Olu was a major supporting deciding factor in a number of decisions made on the Revenge).
And as for Jim, I wanted more exploration or even just acknowledgement of their trauma post episode-4. I wanted an actual organic continuation of their character arc post-vengeance quest and post-Blackbeard, not just them getting defined by "funny knife thrower with a girlfriend and an ex-boyfriend who they want to get with his crush." They were so much more than that, and it killed me to see the two people who were basically main character 3 and 4 in Season 1 get shoved aside for unneeded subplots about Ricky and Zheng or Gentlebeard's three separate breakups when Jim and Olu's plotline had so much more potential than any of that. They weren't just star-crossed lovers- they were a slow burn ship built of absolutely interesting, complicated, and well-developed characters who brought out the best in each other with a DEVASTATING midpoint to their arc and it honestly would have made a better season not just for them as characters, but for the show overall if someone had just realized that the parallels between a couple that fights and claws to stay together no matter what (tealoranges) and a main ship that was still figuring itself out (Gentlebeard) would have SLAPPED.
(I am now picturing a version of this season where instead of the Izzy fakeout death/Gentlebeard reunion in the beginning of the first episode, we get an Olu/Jim reunion in episode 3 to parallel whatever reunion the writers wanted to slap together for Stede/Ed. I would have actively cried over the Olu/Jim reunion and it would have drastically improved the season.)
#oluwande boodhari#jim jimenez#tealoranges#my asks#ofmd critical#ofmd season 2#meta#analysis#jim x oluwande#jim x archie x oluwande#rant#just in case#garlicule rides again
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Disabled Trans Girl Needs Help Again (Stuck in a Fascist State Edition)
Unfortunately, after several months, I haven't been able to find a job I'm capable of working here. I live in Montana which you might have seen in the news recently for silencing our trans rep Zooey Zephyr, throwing her supporters out of the gallery with riot police, and then passing/signing one of the most transphobic bills into law. It's not quite Florida death penalty stuff, but it's about on par with the horrible Missouri one. Healthcare ban for Trans Youth, taking away insurance coverage, etc.
It's legal to discriminate here in hiring etc for being trans, and my state medicaid coverage is going to stop paying for my hrt later this year. I'm pretty scared of even my city, which was relatively left leaning, becoming more and more hateful. There have been shooting threats made against local queer events even. Also, my housing situation is going to become extremely unstable after July. Bozeman has possibly the single worst housing market in the country.
After a lot of blood tests and scans etc trying to figure out the cause of my worsening chronic fatigue, pain, and digestive issues, my doctor is diagnosing me with fibromyalgia. I'm in constant pain, and I spend a lot of my time in bed each day because I can't even focus on my computer etc with it sometimes. That combined with autism/ptsd is making my life in a city with very little in the way of social resources extremely hard. I am trying to get approved for disability, but it is taking forever.
Ideally, I would like to somehow leave this state and go somewhere more trans friendly. Last time I asked for help, I was able to replace my dead car battery, so I'm able to actually drive now. However, the voltage regulator on my alternator is apparently broken. I'm unsure how soon that will become a bigger issue.
In terms of more immediate problems, I've run out of food again, and I'll need to get more catfood and litter soon. Anything anyone can offer helps a lot.
I can receive payments on my venmo, @ Talon-Battle. (The name should show up as Claire Battle).
Here are some pictures of my cat.
Thank you for reading/reblogging/helping me!
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BEHOLD! BOOKS I READ IN 2023!
A handful of rereads, a lot of new favorites, and I put a huge dent in my physical unread piles! I'm pretty happy with my reading year to be honest!
BEST OF 2023
Nettle and Bone by T Kingfisher - If I haven't talked about it enough please read this. An absolute DELIGHTFUL start to the year, which is odd to say of a book about abusive spouses and dead sisters. Like. I wanted to reread it right after finishing it, and will probably reread it this coming year, I loved it so much
The Untethered Sky by Fonda Lee - also heart wrenching but listen, there are BIRDS! Giant birds!!!! A strange pick me up during a bad time, but it WORKED!
To Shape A Dragon's Breath by Moniquill Blackgoose - Oh what a marvelous read, a delightful adventure, I look forward to book two!
Provenance by Ann Leckie - don't hate me, but I think I might enjoy this more than the Imperial Radch trilogy. It's really what I wanted from A Memory Called Empire, and it was so much fun to see the Radchaai from a different perspective!
The Liar's Knot by MA Carrick - DEROSSI VARGO, MY BELOVED! But also, this has such rich worldbuilding. Every time there's a Pattern reading in a scene, the authors did their own reading in real life and put the results in the book. They came up with multiple calendars for the world. And it never feels overwhelming, everything is integrated so naturally! Ren heists an entire family for her and her sister. A lovely brick of a book :)
Where the Drowned Girls Go by Seanan McGuire - I think this might be my favorite Wayward Children book so far, I'm glad these books are bite sized because I want to read them over and over <3
The Raven Tower by Ann Leckie - WHAT A FUNKY LITTLE BOOK!
WORST OF 2023
Black Wings Beating by Alex London - birds would not fucking do that. Why are we following the most insufferable of the characters. Why is everything about him, even the parts about his sister. Blegh.
Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo - this canNOT be the same book tumblr couldn't stop talking about for months. I know I shouldn't judge a book by its sequel, but I know about the glowing demon dick. Come on. Also, like, the whole book was building up to rescuing someone and then THEY NEVER DID! wtf lol
Tress and the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson - Snooze. Yawn. Snore. One of the most boring books I've read. I was right to avoid Mr Sandwich and his books.
Whalefall by Daniel Kraus - I feel bad because someone hyped this a lot and was excited about it, and so I was excited about it, but it read like it was written specifically for a movie in mind. It's just Daddy Issues™️in the ocean.
This does not include rereads, of which Name of the Wind was one. Yes, I still loved that one. Still fun, still weird that it never felt long despite being a BRICK. Proof I don't hate long books because they're long, I hate long books that don't have to be long. Which is why the Dishonorable mention goes to Priory of the Orange Tree lol Get edited, beloathed.
Anyway! Onwards to 2024! :)
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The Seer's Stone - Chapter 6 (Az POV)
Summary: Azriel is being pushed to his limits, driven half-mad by his increased workload, Koschei’s recent movements, and the unaddressed feelings still hanging between him and Elain. His mind is at war with himself, thoughts and regrets constantly battling with him, but when an old acquaintance comes calling he feels compelled to answer, bound by loyalty and duty he sets off to find what very well might be his own damnation.
Pairing: Elain x Azriel
Timeline: Post-ACOSF
Wordcount: 1970
Read:
Chapter One | The Crone’s Trade
Chapter Two | The Oracle of Seraphyros
Chapter Three | Last of Our Kind (Azriel)
Chapter Four | An Empty Seat
Chapter Five | Death and the Lovely Fawn - UPDATED
Author’s Note: Hope you all enjoy! More below 💋
PHEW! After several months of insanity (see: moving to a new city, taking on several new projects at my day job as a graphic designer, getting engaged, traveling to Europe to be in a friend's wedding, hurting my knee again (rip lmao), and the general chaos of being alive) I am so excited to be back writing again. And even more excited to share this latest chapter of the Seer's Stone with the world.
Writing took a back seat within my life last year, due impart to the aforementioned chaos, but also due to some personal anxieties I had about sharing my work. It's irrational, I know, writing is writing, art is art! But still, I found myself lacking confidence and facing a ton of writer's block, but I found some new inspiration through my professional creative work, had a few friends that really helped to cheer me on, and had a lot of downtime after my knee surgery to think about and play around with my craft. All that being said, I'm really really glad to be back at it and revisiting this story, and learning through writing fanfiction.
My plans for the fic haven't changed (too much), but I do think I ought to note that I made some edits to the last update, Chapter Five | Death and the Lovely Fawn, that I feel like I just needed to make to provide clarity/build up for the direction of the story.
Lastly, I just wanted to say thank you to the folks who reached to me about this fic even when I wasn't actively updating it and offered me support/encouragement. This meant so so much to me, more than you all probably know, and I just wanted to say thanks for that.
This one's for you guys.
xoxo, Court
There was a building headache in Azriel's temples.
Every beat of his heart reverberated through his skull like a war drum. Azriel worked his jaw, grinding his teeth. There had always been something about the dank darkness of the Hewn City that pressed down on him like a fist, but the hateful place was particularly grating tonight.
Wrong, his shadows murmured, this place is wrong
"Hush," he snapped back at them, in no mood for their whisperings.
The floor shifted underfoot, and the long, stone passageway changed before his eyes, writhing as if it were a living thing. To anyone else, the illusion might have been nauseating, but these tunnels and their strange enchantments had become second nature to him during the time he served beneath Rhysand's father.
The old High Lord had personally keyed the spells into the oily stone walls to prevent his captives from ever learning the true layout of the tunnel system. And, perhaps, to also remind them they were so far beneath the earth they could only dream of feeling the warmth of the sun on their faces again.
He had been cruel like that.
Azriel rounded a bend in the stone and found himself in another long hallway carved directly into the mountain. Only this hallway was lined with ancient, half-rusted cell doors—cells that housed the worst of the Night Court's filth. Or at least, what was left of them.
Halfway down the corridor, Feyre and Amren were waiting for him outside one of those cells, the High Lady and her second-in-command half-concealed in shadow, their whispered voices echoing queerly off the rock walls.
Both females fell silent when they caught sight of him. Something twisted in Azriel’s gut. For them both to be here, in the dead of the night, with Nyx still so young and Varian here in Velaris on a short respite from Adriata, meant something was wrong. The look on Feyre’s beautiful face only confirmed that. Something was very, very wrong.
“You’re late,” Amren snapped. It was as much a greeting as he’d get from her.
Azriel matched the second’s same cool indifference. “I was in the middle of something when you sent for me. I came as soon as I could.”
“Off again, doing only the Mother knows what? You don’t fool me, boy. I can smell the Continent on you.”
“I come, I go. So is the nature of my work.”
“Is it, now?”
“If you intend to suggest I’m up to something you disapprove of, then by all means, Amren, do so now and let us be done with it. I’m not here to indulge in idle banter.”
The second-in-command bared her teeth, smoke-gray eyes glowing like two torches amidst the gloom, and for half a heartbeat, Azriel thought she might press the matter.
Then Feyre stepped forward and cleared her throat. There were dark smudges of exhaustion beneath the High Lady’s eyes, but she still looked as regal as ever in her Illyrian leathers, her carved ashwood bow and a matching quiver of arrows peeking up over her armored shoulders.
“Enough, you two,” Feyre said, voice laced with nothing but command. She shot both Azriel and Amren a warning look before folding her tattooed hands behind her back, taking up the position of authority fitting of both a war commander and a queen. “We have bigger matters at hand, and I didn’t leave my infant son asleep at home with a nanny just to come here and listen to you bicker.” She nudged Amren with an armored elbow. “So, won't you be a dear and update our lovely Spymaster on the situation at hand?”
Amren shot him one last distrustful look before answering their High Lady's command. "We picked up two...stragglers...trying to make their way to the Prison Isle. From what we've been able to gather, it appears they were attempting to make their way inside the Prison itself."
Azriel's brows rose. Sneak onto the Prison Isle? That was not only impossible, but it was complete and utter madness. A sick, sudden realization shuddered through him, so fierce it cut through the pounding in his head.
Elain.
Elain was trying to get access to the Prison for reasons still unknown to him. Her and the spellspinner she'd tried so diligently to keep hidden in the Library.
Azriel's shadows had brought him word of their machinations weeks ago, initially tipped off by the arrival of the young spellspinner, and catching Elain in his bedroom yesterday had only confirmed his suspicions, but surely she hadn't gone against his warnings. Surely she hadn't...
"Something wrong, boy?" Amren crooned.
He ignored her. "Tell me everything," he said to Feyre.
"One male, one female. Both don't seem to hold any particular court alliance, but they were...dressed strangely. Almost as if they were trying to blend in with the Library's priestesses. Only their robes were gray, not white, and they carried no invoking stones." Feyre scrubbed a hand down her face. "Rhys caught the male on the beaches; I found the female still on the boat they'd used to reach the Isle."
Azriel might have sighed his relief if only Feyre's words weren't too much to stomach. Elain and her friends, and whatever wild plan they'd concocted, might be safe for now, but an unwelcome stranger trying to land on the Prison Isle was nothing to take lightly. And the fact Azriel, nor his shadows, had seen it coming rankled him.
"I tried to talk to her, wanted to know who she was, why she was there," the High Lady continued. "But she pulled a knife before I could get to her. I watched her open her own throat. Tried to heal her, but to no avail, little thanks to the poison on her blade." Feyre shook her head then tossed a thumb towards the cell door. "Rhys is inside with the male. He won't speak, though. He just keeps... singing."
"Singing?" Azriel echoed.
"He means to mock us," Amren murmured.
It was Feyre who ignored the second-in-command now. The High Lady tipped her head towards the cell door. "You'll see." She said. "We'll be waiting at the Riverhouse for your report."
And with that, Feyre reached a hand for Amren and winnowed them both away, leaving Azriel alone with his pounding head, the ancient black stone, and the iron door looming before him.
Azriel drew in a breath. Down, down, down he sank into himself before he strode for the cell door and shoved it open.
The sharp smell of blood and piss and fear arrested his senses as soon as he stepped into the dimly lit cell.
Old memories reared their ugly heads, taking him back to a different time where he came to these very cells to serve a far different lord. Truth-Teller warmed at his side, steadying him. Azriel wrapped a hand around the dagger's familiar hilt and shoved the memories back inside their iron cages to rot.
He made a quick sweep of the room when his eyes finally adjusted. Shadows clung to the corners of the narrow cell, dark enough to conceal his brother's powerful form hidden within them. Rhys was the darkness here. Anyone else might have missed him, but Azriel knew his brother's scent, the sound of his breathing, and marked where he stood in one of the shadowy corners.
In the center of the cell, bound and blindfolded, sat the captive. His gray robes were bloody, his lip split and broken, but he was singing just as Feyre had promised. Singing some horrible old song.
"...blue blood, red blood, blood black as a moonless night," the captive's voice echoed off the cell walls, garbled and made watery by his mouthful of broken teeth. "A pound of flesh, a pound of bone, a gift for a maiden made of light..."
Azriel's shadows swarmed. They flowed across the old stone floors to circle the captive like a pack of hungry dogs, writhing and twisting as they tried to make sense of him and his strange song. Almost as if the song had offended them. As if it scared them.
The darkness melted, and Rhys appeared from within it, arms crossed and brow furrowed, the mask of the High Lord in perfect place. Stars were dancing in his violet eyes, cold and unyielding, burning with a hunger Azriel himself knew all too well.
"He's been at it all night," Rhys said softly. "The same two verses of the same song, over and over again. It's driving me fucking mad."
"You scramble his brains or something?" Azriel asked.
"Would that I could. His mind is impenetrable. Practically walled off with solid obsidian. I've never seen anything like it."
"He's been prepped on how to face a Daemati, then."
"Or spelled to keep one out of his mind."
The words rose a chill within him, and Azriel found himself watching his brother more closely. Rhys worked a tick in his jaw, violet eyes churning as he assessed the battered man babbling his strange song.
"...away, away, at the crown of midnight..."
Azriel had never heard the tune before. Yet, it rankled him somehow. Dragged cold talons through his guts as if it were trying to make a home there.
Pain pricked behind his eyes, blooming like a thousand burning stars.
Azriel rolled his shoulders, fighting the headache, and drew in a deep breath of the rank air, descending deeper into that inside, readying himself for what was to come.
"He'll break," he said softly.
Rhys did not look at him as he replied. "I know."
Eventually, they exchanged the briefest, most fleeting of looks, but the silent words that passed between them meant everything. Rhys's eyes reminded him that Azriel did not have to do this. That he was, in fact, not his father's son. That this Night Court was a court of dreamers, of sons who were forgiven of the sins of their fathers, of daughters free to live as they pleased.
But the weight of duty had been taught to Azriel decades ago. And it was not a lesson so easily forgotten.
Skin slips easier off the smaller bones, blood congeals at the joints, and the mind always, always fractures first.
The old High Lord had taught him those things. Had made sure Azriel knew them, committed them to his memory so he might never forget his purpose. His worth. The thing he'd been made for.
Azriel slid Truth-Teller from its sheath. "Leave us," he said to his brother, voice soft as night. "I'll bring my report to the Riverhouse."
Rhysand put a gentle hand on his shoulder, the gesture made as if it might spare him, as if it might change what he was and the things he was born to do.
It wouldn't.
Azriel had stopped telling himself such follies a long, long time ago.
So he waited until his brother closed the cell door behind him. Waited until his shadows drank the last bit of light from the dank cell. Waited and listened as the prisoner whimpered the last verses of his swan song.
"...a sword for the son, a horn for the Queen, and dagger for their fool..."
Once, when he was just a boy, the shadows had taught him there was a place he could go, somewhere he could hide from his father's wrath, from his brothers' hate. Somewhere deep within himself. A place where he felt nothing, saw nothing.
Was nothing.
Azriel went to that place now, hiding somewhere deep within himself. He thought of roses as he raised Truth-Teller to the pale flesh of the prisoner's chest and began to cut.
Blood bloomed and the ache in Azriel's head erupted like a thunderclap.
And a dagger for the fool.
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Kaiju Week in Review (September 3-9, 2023)
I was a bit nervous about GAMERA -Rebirth-; the animation looked dodgy and Netflix has a shaky track record with kaiju shows. I'm pleased to report this is the best entry in the genre that they've put their name on. Good characters, great action (brutal as always), and actual episodic storytelling that effortlessly weaves in elements from the Showa films beyond all the returning kaiju. Watch it immediately.
Tie-ins abound for GAMERA -Rebirth-: a two-part novelization, a manga adaptation, and a prequel manga that sheds some light on [UNBELIEVABLY MASSIVE SPOILERS]. That prequel manga (GAMERA -Rebirth- code thyrsos) is being published online for free in both Japanese and English. You can read the first chapter here.
In unofficial translation news, English subtitles for GAMERA.1999 (1999) and yokaipedia (2022) are now available. The former is Hideaki Anno's making-of documentary for Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris; the latter is a fun, child-friendly fantasy from Godzilla Minus One director Takashi Yamazaki with a big ol' centipede-dragon at the end. (It's also maybe the first Japanese kaiju film I've ever seen with a major Black character.) I haven't gotten to GAMERA.1999 yet, though from scrubbing through it, it seems like a lot of dialogue was just ignored by the translator. Shame, as that's one I've wanted for a long time.
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We have a teaser for Monarch: Legacy of Monsters, as well as a premiere date for the first two (out of ten) episodes: November 17. (I am being showered with Media for my 30th birthday.) The big news from this trailer is that John Goodman is reprising his role as Bill Randa from Kong: Skull Island. I assume that's going to be through flashbacks and old recordings only, since he was eaten by a Skullcrawler in that one. We also catch glimpses of two new creatures, a dragon and a crab from what I can tell. The latter looks to be fighting a Mother Longlegs.
Fandango and AMC have added mostly-empty listings for Godzilla 2000 on November 1. Fathom Events screened Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla on November 3 last year; despite randomly showing Tokyo SOS back in March, I gather they're making a tradition out of Godzilla Day. Note that the listed runtime is longer than the film itself. Predictions for the program: another message from Keiji Ota, the 2022 Godzilla vs. Gigan short, and the Japanese version of G2K. Interesting that they're running the last Toho Godzilla film to receive a wide release in the U.S. exactly a month before Godzilla Minus One has a wide release of its own here.
Gamera isn't a meta-defining Godzilla Battle Line unit... but he's Gamera in a Godzilla game, so I've been using him in every match since I unlocked him. He's gearing towards demolishing flying units, with fireballs that deal more damage against them and knock them back. A pity that he's arriving well after those units were at their most dominant.
Godzilla: Here There Be Dragons #3 still isn't giving me much to write home about, but the kaiju cult creeping to the forefront intrigues. Also cool to see Ebirah in a starring role.
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Marubeni, one of Japan's biggest general trading companies, put out a bizarre commercial featuring samurai, zombies, a meteor, and a refurbished GMK King Ghidorah. The ad now has English subtitles, and you can watch a Ghidorah-centric behind-the-scenes video here.
I cannot believe I have more Cleopatra Entertainment fuckery to report on with regards to their Shin Ultraman releases, but they're truly trying to take the "Worst Film Company of 2023" title from the members of the AMPTP. Their third attempt at a barebones disc is starting to reach customers... but the ones who already received the initial replacement disc are being told no more will be sent. @starestream is trying to figure out if they'll be selling the third edition on their site, since it seems buying it anywhere else is a gamble. (Physically, the third edition looks almost the same as the first two, set apart only by the "SUBTITLED" text on the disc.) Either way, it's another blow to a movie that truly doesn't deserve this.
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A GUTS ASK MEME ISN'T A BAD IDEA, RIGHT?
prompts from olivia rodrigo's sophomore album, guts (2023) — part 1/2.
↳ trigger warnings for mentions of alcohol, drugs, grooming, abusive relationships (mental/emotion, not physical), and car wrecks. some lines have been edited or omitted for clarity and comfort.
ALL-AMERICAN BITCH.
"I am light as a feather and as stiff as a board."
"I pay attention to things that most people ignore."
"I'm alright with the movies that make jokes 'bout senseless cruelty."
"I am built like a mother and a total machine."
"I feel for your every little issue, I know just what you mean."
"I make light of the darkness; I've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket."
"I forgive and I forget."
"I know my age and I act like it."
"I got what you can't resist."
"I am light as a feather, I'm as fresh as the air."
"Coca-Cola bottles that I only use to curl my hair."
"I got class and integrity just like a goddamn Kennedy, I swear."
"I'm a perfect all-American bitch, with perfect all-American lips, and perfect all-American hips."
"I know my place, I know my place and this is it."
"I don't get angry when I'm pissed, I'm the eternal optimist."
"I scream inside to deal with it, like, "Ah"."
"I'm grateful all the time. I'm sexy and I'm kind. I'm pretty when I cry."
BAD IDEA, RIGHT?
"Haven't heard from you in a couple of months, but I'm out right now and I'm all fucked up."
"You're callin' my phone, you're all alone, and I'm sensing some undertone."
"I'm right here with all my friends, you're sending me your new address."
"I know we're done, I know we're through, but God, when I look at you, my brain goes, "Ah". Can't hear my thoughts."
"Seeing you tonight... It's a bad idea, right?"
"Fuck it, it's fine."
"Yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?"
"I only see him as a friend... The biggest lie I ever said."
"I only see him as a friend... I just tripped and fell into his bed."
"Now I'm gettin' in the car, wreckin' all my plans."
"I know I should stop, but I can't."
"I told my friends I was asleep, but I never said where or in whose sheets."
"And I pull up to your place on the second floor
"I'm sure I've seen much hotter men, but I really can't remember when."
VAMPIRE.
"Hate to give the satisfaction asking how you're doing now."
"How's the castle built off people you pretend to care about."
"Look at you, cool guy, you got it."
"I see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when I close my eyes."
"Six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise."
"I loved you truly; you gotta laugh at the stupidity."
"I've made some real big mistakes, but you make the worst one look fine."
"I should've known it was strange, you only come out at night."
"I used to think I was smart, but you made me look so naïve."
"You sunk your teeth into me."
"Bloodsucker, famefucker, bleeding me dry like a goddamn vampire."
"Every girl I ever talked to told me you were bad, bad news."
"You called them crazy. God I hate the way I called them crazy too."
"You're so convincing. How do you lie without flinching?"
"What a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked up little thrill."
"Can't figure out just how you do it and God knows I never will."
"Went for me and not her, 'cause girls your age know better."
"You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart."
"I tried to help you out, now I know that I can't, 'cause how you think's the kind of thing I'll never understand."
LACY.
"[Name], oh, [Name], skin like puff pastry."
"Aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of Hell?"
"Dear angel [Name], eyes white as daisies, did I ever tell you that I'm not doin' well?"
"Like perfume that you wear, I linger all the time."
"It takes over my life, I see you everywhere, the sweetest torture one could bear."
"Smart, sexy [Name], I'm losin' it lately. I feel your compliments like bullets on skin."
"Dazzling starlet, Bardot reincarnate, well, aren't you the greatest thing to ever exist?"
"Like ribbons in your hair, my stomach's all in knots. You got the one thing that I want."
"I try to rationalize, people are people, but, it's like you're made of angel dust."
"[Name], oh, [Name], it's like you're out to get me. You poison every little thing that I do."
"[Name], oh, [Name], I just loathe you lately."
"I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you. I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you."
BALLAD OF A HOMESCHOOLED GIRL.
"Cat got my tongue, and I don't think I get along with anyone."
"I'm on the outside of the greatest inside joke."
"I hate all my clothes. Feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones."
"I guess I should go. The party's done, and I'm no fun."
"I broke a glass, I tripped and fell. I told secrets I shouldn't tell
"I stumbled over all my words. I made it weird, I made it worse."
"I laughed at the wrong time, sat with the wrong guy."
"Searchin' "how to start a conversation?" on a website, like, how to flirt?"
"The morning after I panic, oh God, what did I say?"
MAKING THE BED.
"Want it, so I got it, did it, so it's done."
"Another thing I ruined, I used to do for fun."
"Another piece of plastic I could just throw away."
"Another conversation with nothing good to say. I thought it, so I said it, took it 'cause I can."
"Another day pretendin' I'm older than I am."
"Another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine."
"Another thing I forced to be a sign."
"Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be where I am, gettin' drunk at a club with my fair-weather friends."
"I push away all the people who know me the best, but it's me who's been makin' the bed."
"I'm so tired of bein' the girl that I am."
"Every good thing has turned into somethin' I dread."
"I'm playin' the victim so well in my head."
"But it's me who's been makin' the bed."
"Sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be where I am, countin' all of the beautiful things I regret."
"And every night, I wake up from this one recurrin' dream, where I'm drivin' through the city, and the brakes go out on me."
"I can't stop at the red light, can't swerve off the road, I read somewhere it's 'cause my life feels so out of control."
"I tell someone I love them just as a distraction; They tell me that they love me like I'm some tourist attraction."
"They're changin' my machinery, and I just let it happen."
"I got the things I wanted, it's just not what I imagined."
#olivia rodrigo sentence starter#olivia rodrigo sentence starters#guts sentence starters#guts prompts#guts rp prompts#rp prompts#rp prompt#rp meme#writing prompts#roleplay prompts#sentence starter#sentence starters#writing prompt#rp#sentence meme#lyric sentence starters#lyric starters#lyrics sentence starters#olivia rodrigo lyrics starters#olivia rodrigo lyric starters#olivia rodrigo lyric meme#alcohol //#drugs //#grooming //#car wreck //#abusive relationship //
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I'd say it's been probably... almost two months since I became an active participant in the TMNT 2003 fandom? And while there have been some ups and downs, overall I have been enjoying myself.
The biggest adjustment is the size. Most of my previous fandoms have been relatively niche JRPGs and while TMNT 2003 isn't the most popular animated TMNT iteration, the fanbase is still much, much larger than what I'm used to. More people talking, more fanart and fanfic being posted, and definitely a lot more, ah, discourse. Not that discourse wasn't a thing in my smaller fandoms, but I stumble across it quite a bit when browsing tags, and there's also a lot more variety to it as well. It really is weird what kind of stuff people will get their underwear up in a bunch about.
As far as interacting with other fans goes, I try to keep a relatively open mind when discussing the show and characters. I know some people can be very trigger happy with their block buttons, but I try not to block people simply because they disagree with me/I disagree with them. If I were to block someone on the grounds of their opinion being different from mine, it would be because they were being aggressive of how right they are while I'm completely wrong to the point of literal harassment over whatever is being discussed. Which, you know, fortunately I haven't had to do something like that yet. Most people have been very kind to me thus far, even when there were disagreements.
I am pretty happy with how things are turning out, even though it was a bit rough in the beginning when I didn't know anyone and felt like an outsider. A lot of people have expressed thanks for the fact I've been posting the official model sheets and concept art from the show, and as long as people still want them, I'll keep uploading them until I've run out because hey, I can personally confirm that the turtles are fucking hard to draw, and even the lowest quality reference can do wonders. This is also the fandom that inspired me to dabble in video editing and gif making; still not the best at either of them, but much like art, it's a learning process and the most important thing is that I'm having fun. My brain hasn't been this entertained learning new techniques for making things in a while, even if it can be frustrating at times. (Those damn shells are the worst to draw, man.)
So.... Yeah. All I can really say at this point is thank you to everyone for making this fanbase experience enjoyable so far. I'll probably be around for a while yet!
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("Don't") have feelings
Part 1 . Part 2
Characters: brighteyes, sam (brief), fred (mentioned)
Ships: none
Summary: Sam says something that hits Bright eyes like a train, and gets them to use an old trick, they haven't used since they were a teen, it didn't work
Notes: angst, heart breaking angst,open ending,hurt/no comfort,hurt/no implied comfort brighteyes just needs some hugs, assuring words, affection and love, someone please does that, author used writing to blow off steam, the author relates to bright more then they should.
A/N: vent fic, all the pre-turning events happened in less then 24 hours (except for the fred one, i still didn't find my fred yet) it's un-edited, i wrote this on less then an hour, just leave it be
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"YOU SHUT UP!" Sam yelled at them
It was during an argument between sam and fred,which would be un-believable,but it happens,rarely,but it does, when bright entered the house and got involved in it too, somehow, they weren't even arguing, their mistake this time was to correct him on something he blamed them about when they didn't do, which was a thing that happens often, but in that little argument they decided to stand up for themselves for once
"YOU SHUT UP!, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU, SEE YOU, OR TALK TO YOU! "
they flinched, taken aback, their eye widened just a bit
"fine!" they bounced back, leaving the room
They went to the kitchen, the words repeating in their mind...
It hurts...
Like every other insult he throws their way,, just worst this time, way worst
Tears filled their eyes..
They stopped, took a deep breath opened their eyes "you don't have feelings" they said, slowly, affirming every word, just the way they used to ever since they were 14 and started convinceing themselves with that fact
"you don't have feelings"
Not when their parents argued
"You don't have feelings"
Not when 5 of their pets died in less than 2 months
Tears fell from their eyes
"you don't have feelings"
Not when both things happened at once
A sob tried to escape their tight throat
"you don't have feelings"
Not when their dad said they were a mistake when they were 16
They grabbed some paper towls, ripping it with much more force then necessary
"you don't have feelings"
Not when both their parents told them they ruined the trip because they got sick at 15
"I don't have feelings, fred, im just empathic, you know" they said, proud of themselves at 18,fred looking at them with an un-readable expression
"You have feelings... "
The voice in their head said surprising them this time,
When sam insults them, when he dosen't accept them, when he keeps rubbing salt in the wound, when he get annoyed because they talked to him, when they feel like they made progress only to be brought down to reality when something happens, when he shows that he doesn't want them, that they are a mistake, they have feelings then,, they want sam to... Be kind to them
They sprinted outside, sat on the porch, papertowl covering their face as they pressed it with their hands onto their eyes
The arguing still loud inside, it only made it worst
"You don't have feelings" they said, crying
And they repeated it over and over and over as more tears flown from their eyes, sobbing and crying...
They had enough..
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I'm questioning if i should add some comfort to this, whay do yall think?
#redacted asmr#redactedasmr#redactedverse#redacted sam#redacted frederick#redacted bright eyes#bright eyes (listener)
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I hope you have a lovely day with lots of snacks
Tl;dr the day was not lovely but there might be snacks
I actually didn't have many snacks today but I'm about to make up with it with a couple of churros and dark chocolate dipped strawberries.
Today I...woke up and showered and replied to comments on AO3 for a while, and then I spent about 4 hours formatting documents into PDFs of varying sizes for Patreon and Ream and uploading chapter commentaries into compilations. And then I did more formatting stuff behind the scenes while I stared at all the other behind the scenes stuff I need to do and thought 'writing is a hard job' quietly and intensely.
I ate lunch while I was working. I also made some memes about how overwhelmed I felt, and then made some for my readers too, lol.
And then I laid down for about 4 hours because I also have chronic illness (whee) and I am constantly in pain and varying degrees of fatigue and I literally must lie down every afternoon so I don't collapse in the evening (literally) - and I did a tiny bit of reading (webtoon: Shutline (which I immediately realised I'd read before and didn't fondly remember), webtoon: December (didn't mind this)) and then dozed restlessly because it was 40C/104F today. I also edited a Tiktok art video in Adobe Premier Rush, but I haven't put it up yet, and I should really do that.
Got up and made ham and cucumber sandwiches for dinner, and watched Girl with the Dogs on YouTube while I ate, and a Smosh video.
Then did some more work and helped a friend with her work stuff, and then I watered the garden for 1.5 hours because *points tiredly to the heatwave* and stared balefully at the dark sky (you can't water during the day - it's literally a heatwave but also it's illegal here to water during the day) with its few stars because they'd set up a severe weather warning due to extreme winds in our specific area and it was dead AF and oppressive out there and it was just hot instead.
I watched a few Tiktoks while I watered.
When I hung the hose up back on the holder thingo, I sang to my plants: 'I hope you make the best out of the water I just gave you, you little fucks' like a sweet lullaby, and a person who I didn't know was outside next door because it was like 9pm and pitch black laughed softly and sweetly, like they didn't expect it, and felt kind of fond. I didn't know I had any nice neighbours on that side of the house, so I mostly just thought 'WHOOPS SHIT' and then felt too embarrassed to say anything.
And then I came back inside and replied to some asks (hi!) and am hopefully going to eat churro's soon and it's 10pm and so I'm probably going to do some more work and then I'm going to go to bed while I feel stressed about the work I haven't done (currently Palmarosa is the heart beating beneath my floorboards). I will probably keep reading December. It's okayish.
I don't know if I'd call today lovely, because I'm burnt out and I want to put up the Christmas decorations but it's 10pm and idk if I should start that because it tends to make me severely ill to do it for a few days.
I'm a little sad, a lot lonely, a little melancholic, a little grumpy, and a little very excited about churros and chocolate dipped strawberries. I resent days that are 'work and sleep' sometimes, especially during November. That's my fault. That's on me. I'm a mean and shitty boss to myself.
Gotta do something about this burnout at some point, because December is the worst month for my PTSD, but I also need to keep getting paid, because medical bills and food and stuff. So like...finding the balance there is a constant work in progress.
There were some lovely moments today:
That little laugh from the neighbour in the dark
The first yellow peach of the season
Doing tricks with my cat (who is trained) for treats
Making silly little memes
Helping a friend with work stuff
Replying to some amazing comments
Watching cute dogs
Feeling pretty accomplished at putting up those compilations on Patreon/Ream even if I'm not done yet.
I hope you're having a lovely day too, anon, with many snacks.
#asks and answers#personal#i have not had a lovely day in a while#a member of my family died suddenly this week#suddenly and unexpectedly#and within 12 hours#two other members of my family directly impacted by this death#had to evacuate due to the fires#and idk if they can go home yet#i don't think they can but the fire has at least been downgraded#i am burnt out and sad#yesterday between working on writing stuff#i photoshopped photos of my uncle for my mum#for the funeral home#to make them nicer alkfjsa so that she doesn't have to pay someone to do this#i might delete this later y'all this might be a little too real#but sometimes it doesn't hurt maybe for people to know i'm human#hell sometimes it doesn't hurt for *me* to remember i'm human dslkfjasd
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Finished my first re-read of this book in twenty years. (original name Homeland, this is the Finnish edition.)
And yup, this sure is a thirty year old book. I don't know why I feel kinda disappointed, I knew exactly what I was getting into. It was somehow both not as bad as I remembered while also being in a way worse than I expected.
But nah, they're just evil. Grinning maliciously and taking unholy pleasure in being evil.
It's kinda frustrating read, to be honest. The story in itself isn't all that bad, I'd say, but it's hindered pretty bad by being based entirely on DnD mechanics, specifically the alignment system. Like, the story in itself makes sense, it tells about dark elves, who basically live in a cult, and the protagonist who's born into it, but will eventually abandon it and leave.
But instead of actually examining what living in a cult would be like, they're just evil. Maybe it's just my perspective, being someone who's been on the internet for a couple decades. I know people who come from abusive bacgrounds, and I've heard stories from people who've survived actual cults, and it would make perfect sense to treat the drow as a cult, except with their god being actually real and actively meddling with their lives to make the brain washing just that much worse. There's a lot of potential in there!
Like the main character is raised from the very start being indoctrinated in the spider cult, there's even a scene where he gets whipped (with a multi-headed magic whip made of living snakes) at the age of four or five for daring to look happily at a woman while being a child of inferior sex, yet he never acts like this kind of raising left any marks in the way he behaves. No trauma at all, what so ever. He keeps being openly surprised by his people not being nice to each other despite the book telling how he was raised to know his place. The guy has no self-preservation at all, he keeps wondering out loud at people with the power to hurt him and I just keep wincing so bad.
He somehow just speed runs his thirty years of life in life lessons in the last few days of the book. Like, you were raised into this your whole life, yet you're only learning all of it now?
(and why do you keep calling it "unholy" all the time, it's the only religion you've ever known. Also that one time he openly gasped about the unholiness at his sister, who's an entire priestess, and her reaction was along the lines of "yeah, but she's the goddess of our people", like why are you agreeing with him about the unholyness?!)
Honestly, you could very easily just rewrite the whole book, keep all the story beats as is, and take out the "always evil by default" racial setting without losing pretty much anything. You'd probably still need to keep the gods as real, physical entities the way they are, but it'd still make it a lot more beliveable.
I have much gripe about the tone of this book, apparently.
I mean, I do like some of the tropes it has, not gonna lie. More prominently in the later books, but still. There's a reason Drizzt was the favourite character of teenage me twenty years ago, and it's been so weird revisiting this story after all this time. I'm still having many mixed feelings here. Multiple emotions even. I don't even know what they are, but they sure are many.
Though, you know what's the worst thing? I am notoriously bad when it comes to names, I have some serious trouble learning and remembering even people I live with for extended periods of time. I can't name most of my old classmates despite them being people I spent 3+ years with, and it once took me over three months to learn the name Paula despite being such a simple and common belonging to one of my closest friends at the time. I'm bad with names. So why is it that I can still remember things like fucking Daermon N'a'shezbaernon, that's an absolute monster of a name, and I haven't thought about it for a single second in the past two decades, why the fuck do I still remember that one???!?
Anyway, onwards to the next book!
#shut up paper#Fun fact I just found out the character of Drizzt is as old as I am#Had to google the english name of the book and apparently the character was created in 1987
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