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scarlett-vixen · 2 years

Text

Never Let Me Go

A/n: This...became slightly self indulgent I'm so sorry. I have a lot of love for this boy and he deserves to be happy :( Also i highly recommend reading Satan's part before this!! It sets up this chapter basically. As always I hope you guys enjoy.

Tw/Cw: Heavy angst, death, blood, description of Mc's body post lesson 16, a slightly unhinged Mammon, a very onesided fight between brothers, depression, selfdoubt, self blame, starvation, sleep deprevation, nightmares, extreme guilt

Summary: You finally find out what exactly Mammon went through, how he discovered your body and the fight that occured after. Can you find him and put his broken heart back together? Or will your dynamic forever be changed?

Word Count: 7k

The Soundtrack The Fight: Vicious The Apologies: Beelzebub, Satan Asmodeus, Leviathan

"So take care what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no to you"

Something didn’t feel right.

Twenty minutes ago you had set out in search of Lucifer, hoping to patch things up and set your differences aside, why weren’t you back yet? Mammon was starting to get worried, he tried to bring your extended absence to the attention of his brothers but they told him he was just being jealous.

“Nothing is wrong, you just don’t like them being alone with Lucifer.” His brothers had teased. Normally they would be right however, this felt different.

Something felt off.

The others had been lost in conversation so Mammon took the opportunity to slip out of the room and search for you, he quietly shut the door behind him and started off down the hall towards Lucifer’s room. If you had found his older brother, chances were the two of you had gone to his room to talk, and that better be all you were doing.

Mammon pressed his ear against the door, not too hard though in case his brother had cursed it, no noise could be heard from inside the room, not even the sound of Lucifer’s favorite record playing. Nobody was here. Slightly annoyed that he had been wrong, Mammon headed downstairs to check the first floor, maybe you guys had gone to the living room to talk.

To his dismay, the living room was also empty and so was the kitchen, the laundry room, the library, and your room. The strange feeling inside Mammon’s stomach was growing, twisting itself into a knot, he decided to head back to the second floor and try again. Maybe the two of you had slipped past him while he was searching the library or maybe there really was a curse on Lucifer’s door so he couldn’t hear what was happening on the other side, either way Mammon headed back to the staircase in the main entrance to try again, but slowed his pace when a strong scent hit his nose.

“Hello dear brother, surprised to see Lucifer doesn’t have you strung up from the ceiling for once.”

Mammon stiffened and stopped dead in his tracks, that voice didn’t belong here. He snapped his head up towards the top of the stairs and was met with more questions than answers.

“Surprised to see me as well?”

“The hell are you doin’ here? Ain’t ya supposed to be up in the human world? And what are ya doin’ with yer horns out? You know Lucifer has a strict rule on demon forms in the house!”

There, at the top of the stairs, stood his youngest brother. Belphegor. The Belphegor that Lucifer had forced to go to the human world as punishment for disagreeing with Lord Diavolo. Mammon’s mind was starting to clog with confusion, how was he here? Where were you and Lucifer at? What was that smell and why was it so strong? What was all over Belphie’s arms?

“I have a feeling that’ll be at the bottom of the list of reasons why Lucifer is pissed at me,” He gave a smirk. “where is he anyway?”

“Dunno, that’s who I’m lookin’ for. Well…him and someone else.” Mammon wrinkled his nose; he knew what the smell was now.

“Someone else?” Belphegor raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, our exchange student. A human that got sent down here around the same time you left, they went to go look for Lucifer a while ago and never came back, I’m gettin’ worried.” He shifted his weight and put one hand in his jacket pocket. Why did the main entrance smell so strongly of blood?

“Worried? About a human?” Belphegor furrowed his brows and sneered at his brother. “Why would you worry about some dumb defenseless human? All you’ve ever cared about was money and the quickest way to get it.”

“Hey! They ain’t dumb and they ain’t defenseless! My human is a lot smarter and tougher than most of those flimsy humans up there! Don’t talk about ‘em like that when you don’t even know ‘em!” Mammon felt his cheeks start to burn and didn’t care if his little brother could see them turn a light pink. He would defend your honor any day no matter who it was.

“Your human? What do you mean your human?” Belphie gave him a disgusted look.

“I- well, ya know… Lucifer put me in charge of ‘em when they first got here so they’re my responsibility…and our pact or whatever I guess.” Mammon rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, he felt his face grow hotter.

Belphegor watched as his brother became bashful and started muttering nonsense down at his shoes, a wicked grin grew on his face and he started to laugh.

“Well, I have to disagree. They weren’t very smart and they weren’t all that tough.” He watched as the second born looked back up at him once more in confusion.

“What do you mean by that.” Less of a question and more of a statement, Mammon felt his heart jump in his chest, he feared that he knew the meaning.

“I mean,” Belphegor reached down at his side and picked something up, an arm or a leg possibly, whatever it was had blood all over it. “they might have gone searching for Lucifer but they found me instead.” In one swift motion, Belphegor lifted the object in his hand slightly and then tossed it in the direction of his older brother.

Mammon’s stomach dropped as he realized what his brother had picked up, as he watched it tumble down the stairs with a larger bloody mass attached to it, his heart nearly stopped as he watched it hit every step on the way down.

It was you.

“I guess they did put up some kind of a fight, I’ll give them that.”

Belphegor’s words fell on deaf ears, Mammon stood frozen as your limp body finally stopped and laid motionless on the marble floor in front of him. He could hear noise coming from the top of the stairs but couldn’t make out any real words, his heart was racing and felt like it was about to burst, there was a loud ringing in his ears, his mind was a whirlpool of emotions: fear, sadness, guilt, rage. It was getting hard for him to breathe, his chest was growing tight and with every breath he inhaled that strong smell of blood, he felt like throwing up. The tears began to pool up in his eyes, this couldn’t be real, he wanted to scream but the best he could do was whisper your name.

He dropped to his knees beside you.

“What did you do?” he managed to ask while looking at your bruised face.

“Simple,” Belphie scoffed “I proved that humans are nothing but an inferior species and Diavolo has no business bringing them down here. Unless of course, he plans to add them as a new menu item.”

That was it.

Something snapped inside Mammon, he felt his wings fly out from his back, and before his brother could process what was happening Mammon was at the top of the stairs.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Mammon grabbed Belphie by his shirt collar and slammed his back against the wall leaving a large dent. “YOU’VE BEEN GONE FOR MONTHS! YOU SHOW UP OUTTA NOWHERE! AND YOU FUCKIN’ KILL THEM?”

Belphie gasped for air after having the wind knocked out of him before speaking.

“Why the hell do you care so much about a stupid human?” He placed his hands on Mammon’s wrists, attempting to loosen his grip.

“THEY AIN’T STUPID!” Mammon practically snarled at his brother “You don’t know a damn thing about ‘em! They’ve been down here helpin’ us! WHAT DID YOU DO?” The tears were streaking down his face now. Glancing down Mammon caught sight of the youngest brothers arms, his sleeves were stained with blood, through the various holes in his jacket he could see tons of scratch marks still freshly bleeding. Looking back at his brothers face he could see a gash on his neck, a desperate attempt to get him off you it looked like, the blood from that wound was starting to dry but ran down his neck and soaked his shirt collar.

You had fought like hell.

“Oh, I see what happened.” Belphie managed to say as Mammon pressed him harder into the wall; he gave a smartass smirk before continuing. “You got put in charge of the dumb thing, you spent time with it, and like the idiot you are you went and fell in love with it didn’t you?”

“Shut up.” Mammon hissed through clenched teeth.

“Let me guess: They were nice to you? Did they make you feel good about yourself? Did they try to convince you that you aren’t a scumbag?”

“SHUT UP!” Mammon screamed before hurling Belphie over the railing of the staircase.

Belphegor felt his shoulder dislocate on impact, his body rolled and slid across the floor below, he winced as he attempted to sit up. Since they made fun of him so often, most of the brothers were quick to forget just how strong Mammon was when provoked. He looked up to where he had recently been standing and his eyes grew wide as he saw Mammon falling from above about to land on him, Belphie quickly rolled to the right just barley dodging his brother, Mammon’s foot landed directly where Belphegor’s throat had previously been and left a crack in its place.

Belphie watched as his brother rose slowly, his wings twitched slightly, his eyes held golden flames inside, Belphie knew he needed to run but he was too stunned to move. He knew even in his most powerful state he was no match for the second oldest, he kept an eye on his brothers horns knowing they were deadly enough to injure him with one good blow.

Mammon’s arm reached out and grabbed ahold of his brothers shirt again and pulled him in close, his body was shaking with anger, all logic had left his mind.

“You better be careful Mammon; Lucifer will be upset if you break something important.” Belphie joked but got no response, he shifted to a more defensive tone “So I killed one dumb human, what are you gonna do about it?”

Mammon looked his little brother directly in the eyes. ‘One dumb human’ that’s all he thought you were? No. Belphegor took away more than that, he took away the one person who had been able to reconnect his brothers, the one person who had no problem standing up to Lucifer, who let Mammon hang around all the time and listened to his stories. Belphie took away the one person who had treated Mammon like an equal, like he actually mattered, he took away a friend. Belphegor took away his human. Brothers be damned. Mammon pulled the youngest demon in as close as he could and spoke directly into his ear.

“I’m gonna kill you.”

An instant later and Belphegor was tossed through the air, his back made harsh contact with another wall, leaving a demon shaped imprint in the foundation, before dropping to the floor below. Mammon prepared to launch himself at the avatar of sloth, ready to destroy him for what he had done, but just as he was ready to unleash his fury he heard a noise.

“Mam…mon” The name came out broken and barely audible, but he heard it.

His name.

In your voice.

His head spun back in your direction, your body still in the position it had been but this time he saw your chest move slightly. He felt a sharp pain in his chest as he rushed over to you hoping that his mind wasn’t playing a cruel joke, as he knelt beside you again, he could see your labored breathing. Somehow, despite the severity of your injuries and being tossed down a flight of stairs, you were alive. Mammon whispered your name like a prayer, he wanted to grab you and hold you, he wanted to help you, but he was so scared of hurting you more.

“Mammon?” your hand closest to him moved slightly. He placed one of his hands on top of yours, his voice caught in his throat for a moment before he could respond.

“ ‘S alright, I-Im right here. Ya don’t have ta worry, ‘m right here.” He gently placed his other hand on your cheek. He wanted you to look at him but realized one eye was completely swollen shut, the other was extremely bloodshot, he wasn’t even sure if you could see him.

“Can’t…move…” You gasped for air between words and Mammon could hear your chest rattle as you did. His heart broke even more as he watched a tear fight its way down your face and mix with the blood still dripping off you.

Mammon couldn’t stand it anymore, he carefully scooped you up in his arms stopping briefly anytime you cried out in pain, once you were in his lap he could tell just how bad your condition was. The bruises on your body were a deep purple and sickly green, your nails had blood, fabric and what he assumed to be bits of Belphegor’s skin under them and he was almost certain humans weren’t supposed to bend their leg that way.

“You’re an idiot you know.”

Mammon forgot you two weren’t alone, he snapped his head towards your attacker, he raised his wings to shield you from any further harm. His anger had subsided while he was looking you over, but it was quickly returning.

“Even if they’re as great as you think they are, it’s too late, you can’t save that worthless human. Just let it go already.” Belphegor had sat up now, trying to pop his shoulder back into its socket, with that wicked look in his eyes still.

Mammon wanted to lash out again, to finish what he started, to make the seventh born suffer like you had, but he couldn’t let you go. He looked back at you, your face pressed against his chest, your breathing becoming shallower with each passing minute, he could feel your pulse fading. He knew what he had to do. He filled his lungs with as much air as he could and squeezed his eyes shut.

“LUCIFEEER! HELP!”

The second born screamed as loud as he could hoping to reach every corner of the accursed house, Belphie was right there was nothing he could do, Lucifer on the other hand could fix anything. So many times before when things had gone wrong, when he found himself in deep trouble with a group of witches, when his brothers had accidentally unleashed some creature in the house, when he had been in trouble with Lord Diavolo even, Lucifer had always been there to make things right.

Back in the Celestial Realm Lucifer had taken care of them, if one of them had gotten hurt he was always there to help them, and that carried on even after the fall. If Lucifer could heal an angel then he could fix you, he had to. Mammon held you closer to his chest, his head fell back as he choked on his sobs, he didn’t want to think about losing you.

He needed his older brother.

“What exactly is going on?”

Mammon knew that tone all too well. Lucifer had appeared and was taking in the half-destroyed entrance hall, the crack in the marble flooring, the numerous paintings that had fallen off the wall, the blood the covered the floor, the sculptures and vases that were now shattered on the ground. Mammon watched the eldest brother survey his surroundings, his gaze landing on the one thing that didn’t belong in the room, he watched his brother stiffen and a light flicker in his eyes.

“What are you doing here?”

Belphie smirked, this was just the reaction he had hoped for.

“I brought you a gift, but you’ll have to pry it from Mammon’s greedy hands as usual.”

Lucifer turned to the second born in confusion.

“What is he talking about Mammon?”

Mammon’s mind was racing, his chest hurt and his eyes burned from crying, he tried to tell Lucifer what happened. He tried to tell him Belphie had attempted to kill you, that you were hurt, that he had lashed out and attacked the youngest. He tried to say it all but nothing would come out when he opened his mouth, so he said what he could.

“Lucifer… help ‘em… please…” Mammon took a deep ragged breath and slowly moved his wings back, revealing your mangled body to the first born “ya gotta help ‘em… please!”

Lucifer jumped at the sight, his first instinct was to yell and to scold his brother, he knew better than that. It was clear what had happened, he knew who was responsible for the damage to the room and he knew who was responsible for you, he knew Mammon had snapped. Lucifer stepped closer and fully took in your injuries.

He knew he couldn’t fix you.

Lucifer tried to console his younger brother, to offer him some type of comfort, before explaining that there was no saving you. Mammon burst into tears, clutching on to you as if it would prevent you from leaving, he buried his face in your neck, his body shaking as he sobbed violently. He heard other voices, several gasps and a sharp scream, the others had found their way to the scene. He didn’t care about them, he didn’t care about the argument that was happening between Lucifer and Belphegor, he didn’t care about anything anymore.

Mammon continued to sob into your neck, he had so desperately hoped he wouldn’t have to face this possibility, he had been so sure he could save you and keep you here with him. He thought about how scared you must have been, how hard you had fought back, how much pain you must be in. He started whispering in your ear, telling you how strong you were and how much you meant to him, if he was going to lose you, if he had to let you go, then he wanted you to know exactly how he felt.

“Mammon…” Your voice softly whispered in his ear. The avatar of greed pulled his head back to face you one last time, a soft smile on your face, a single tear rolling down your cheek, even in your current condition you were still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

You parted your lips to speak but nothing came out, Mammon knew you were in pain, he knew his time with you was running low and there was nothing he could do to save you, he knew he was watching the final embers of your fire burn and he dreaded how cold his world was about to become.

The second born did his best to smile back at you in a pointless attempt to look strong in your dying eyes. He felt your hand brush against his, his heart broke as you gently squeezed it with what strength you had left, he knew that was your goodbye.

“You were the best human a demon could ask for ya know?” his voice wavered as he fought his way through the sentence. You gave the faintest laugh before closing your eye, your head rested perfectly against his chest, smile still on your face, your chest rose one final time and then your body stilled. Mammon buried his face in the top of your head as silent tears streamed down his face and dampened your hair. “I just hope I was a good demon for you.”

You were gone.

Before now, Mammon felt like he had all eternity to spend in your light, your arrival in the Devildom made his world so much brighter. Everyday he looked forward to talking to you, to spending time with you, to having you sit next to him during class and at dinner. Even on his worst days you always made it worth getting out of bed, you were his best friend, you called him out when he needed it but you also supported him more than anyone else. Belphie was right, you made him feel better about himself. But you just left, and you took his light and will to keep going with you.

The second born always knew how he felt about you, even if he pretended not to, but he never truly knew how you felt about him. Now he never would.

“No way… is that?” Leviathan’s voice cut through the tension in the room, drawing everyone’s attention to the top of the staircase.

Mammon only looked up when he heard one of his brothers call your name, his heart skipped a beat, this had to be a sick joke. There you were, standing on the stairs looking down at them, as perfect as always. His eyes locked onto you, afraid that if he looked away you might vanish, how was this possible?

He was lost in thought while his brothers tried to put the pieces together. How could this be? How could you be standing there without a scratch on you? The air was still thick with the smell of your blood, he had felt you take your final breath, he was still holding your body. Or so he thought.

Mammon’s arms suddenly felt lighter, the pressure on his legs from the weight of your body was decreasing rapidly, he looked down at your mangled form. He could see his arm through your shoulder, his lap becoming more visible through your torso, his worst fear was becoming reality. You were vanishing from his life, he tried to hold on as best he could but his hands passed right through you, slowly but surely your lifeless body disappeared.

*******************************************************

Mammon’s eyes flew open, he glanced over at his alarm clock, this time he had managed to sleep for seven whole minutes. He wanted to sleep so badly, part of him wanting to never wake up, but every time he drifted off that same nightmare would replay in his head. This was the longest he had slept so far.

Four or five days had gone by since the big dinner disaster, he wasn’t sure how many days had passed honestly, time didn’t really matter anymore. Nothing did. You had ripped open a wound that he had tried so hard to stitch shut, you made him face the reality that he had been avoiding, you had reminded him of all the awful things he saw, heard, and felt that day.

The room was pitch black, same as it had been since he retreated from the dining room that night, dirty clothes covered the couch, half drank water bottles occupied the nightstand and floor below. A few plates of untouched food sat on his coffee table where they had been placed days ago, fresh at some point but now starting to mold, this was by far the worst his room had looked in centuries.

In his bed, buried under his comforter and bedsheets, was a very broken demon who had not slept in days despite never leaving the bed. Mammon had been in the same spot ever since you tore into them, he had cried himself to sleep that night from guilt, and when he woke the next morning he couldn’t find the strength to get up and go down to breakfast. Your words were etched into his thoughts, every time he considered getting up your face would flash in his mind, he would remember how angry you had been and he would lose all motivation.

Lucifer had been surprisingly understanding, he had checked in on him the first day to make sure he was okay, he would bring food by in hopes that Mammon would actually eat but it was to no avail. The second born was used to his older brother punishing him for skipping class, he had expected to have his door kicked in on day three for missing so much, but no punishment or lecture ever came. Instead, the avatar of greed had been left alone with his thoughts and memories, two very dangerous things to be left with.

At the time he had been thrilled to have you alive and well, but as the days went by he started to think about how you were not the same version that he had held in his arms so tenderly, you were not the one he had confessed his love to finally, and he had mixed feelings about that. Aside from his own confused heart, he was also being consumed by guilt and blamed himself for everything.

“None of you heard me screaming?? Where were any of you!”

These were the words that had sent him over the edge, your voice laced with rage and eyes full of hatred. He had done his best to silence himself as he cried there at the table but you had caught him anyway, that wasn’t why he felt so guilty though. It was the fact that even in the middle of your brutal scolding, you had shifted gears and started to defend him, you demanded that his brothers stop picking on him and they had all listened.

You had always been the only person to defend him, you shut his brothers down anytime they tried to make him feel shitty, you came to his aide when he was being blamed for a situation he had no hand in. Ever since your pact was made you had always been there for him.

But he wasn’t there for you.

Not when you needed him most, not when you were being brutally attacked by his youngest brother, not when you had been screaming for help. The guilt was eating him alive, his stomach twisted into a tighter knot at the thought of you scared for your life, had you called for him? While his brother did his worst, had you screamed his name? Had you tried to summon him? Had your strength been far too weak to do so?

Mammon’s eyes burned harshly as the tears started to form once more, he had been assigned to watch over you when you first arrived, yet in your greatest time of need he had failed to protect you.

He’d never forgive himself.

He couldn’t handle facing his brothers, he knew what they say about him, that it had been his fault you had died. So, he stayed in his room locked away from the world, from the harsh reality he didn’t want to deal with, from his brothers, and from you. He kept his door locked so that no one could bother him, not that they cared enough to check on him, only Lucifer could enter when bringing by another useless plate of food. He knew the counter spell to open the seal Mammon had placed, out of respect or pity one Lucifer always resealed the door on his way out, but even perfect demons are forgetful sometimes.

“Mammon?” He tensed up hearing his name called into the silent room, he felt a sharp pain in his heart, he squeezed his eyes shut and cursed Lucifer in his mind.

Why did your voice always have to sound so damn sweet?

*******************************************************

Satan told you the full story from beginning to end, about how Mammon had disappeared from the group, about how he and Asmo had gone out to search as well, about how Asmodeus had walked in on the fight between brothers.

He knew there was only one demon who could stop Mammon in a blind rage like that, Asmo had done well to stay out of Mammon’s line of sight, he had bailed first chance he got and rejoined Satan in complete terror, they tried calling Lucifer on his phone but just as he had answered Mammon’s voice rang through the mansion.

You had done your best to focus on your project with Satan in the library, but your thoughts were plagued by images of the second born discovering your broken body. The avatar of wrath could tell your mind was elsewhere and offered to end your study session early, you thanked him as you gathered your things before rushing out of the building.

Now you stood in the doorway of Mammon’s room, pitch black inside and a foul smell emitting from the empty void inside, you grew anxious. You had called his name but received no response, you peered further into the room and saw a demon sized lump on his bed, you stepped into the room and closed the door behind you.

Using the glow of your phone as a guide you made your way over to his bed, along the way you stepped over the piles of dirty laundry and discarded bottles, you also discovered the rotting food which was giving off the nauseating smell. Reaching his bed you spotted the lamp sitting on his nightstand, you turned it on and tried again to get his attention.

“Mammon? I know you’re under there.” You moved a dirty shirt out of the way and sat down on the edge of the bed near his stomach. By the state of his room you could tell he hadn’t left in days, Mammon was a lot of things but a slob wasn’t one of them, he was in a very bad place mentally and it hurt to know that.

“Go away…” You felt your heart break a little at both his words and the crack in his voice. It had been days since you’d heard him speak, for seven months he had done nothing but talk your ear off, now after five days of silence you would give him all the grimm in the world just to hear his voice again.

“Mammon please, you can’t just shut me out…” The blankets covering his face pulled in closer, his way of telling you yes he could. You hated this. Mammon was the happiest demon you knew, full of excitement, constantly wanting to hang out and go new places. Seeing him here like this, trying to disappear from you, it was making you miserable. “Fine, don’t talk to me, but I’m gonna talk to you,” you felt a slight sting in your throat, why did he always make you so emotional?

“I know about what happened…between you and Belphie. I know that you found me before the others, that you beat the shit out of him for hurting me, I know you called for Lucifer to save me.” Your eyes started to water but you wiped away the evidence. “It wasn’t your fault Mams…you didn’t know. If you had known? I know you would have protected me no matter what. You’ve always been there for me, you’re the first demon I became friends with, the first I made a pact with. And I know my first is always going to have my back…but it’s killing me to have you avoid me.”

The bedsheets started to rustle, slowly the white-haired demon emerged from his nest of blankets, he sat up against the headboard. You were filled with both sorrow and excitement at seeing him finally, he was a sight for sore eyes, but he looked like a wreck. His hair was a mess, bangs glued to his forehead by dirt and sweat, his eyes bloodshot with dark bags underneath, you half expected most of that but you didn’t expect him to be shirtless.

You felt your face flush due to his exposed chest, he avoided looking at you but you gave him a gentle smile anyway, you wondered if he knew just how pretty he was even when he was like this. He closed his eyes and you watched him take a deep breath before speaking.

“When I told ya that if I couldn’t save ya,” He starts, voice low and shaky. “That you better die…I didn’t actually mean it.”

Your heart shatters completely, it was getting harder to fight off the tears, you vividly remembered him telling you that back when Leviathan had charged you after the stupid trivia game. While he had been busy bandaging your sprained wrist, he had told you he was the only one allowed to save you, you assumed he was just being jealous of Lucifer but it meant more to him apparently.

“You were mine to watch over, Lucifer assigned me to take care of ya back then. I did my best but I always seemed to screw up and one of my brothers had to save ya. I was supposed to protect you, it was my one job but I couldn’t even do that right. I let ya get hurt…I let ya die.” You heard the guilt in his voice, a gentle stream of tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Mammon I—”

“No, lemme finish.” He lifted his head to look at you finally, the tears rolled a little faster, his bottom lip started to quiver but he continued. “When ya first got here…I figured ya’d be like everyone else. I’d have to listen to ya call me names, tell me I’m scum, that I’m just a garbage demon. Ya never did though,” He choked on his words slightly, hands gripping the bedsheets. “You were always so nice to me, I never understood why, hell ya been nicer to me in the last seven months than my brothers have been in the last thousand years.” He sobbed and wiped the tears from his eyes, only for them to be replaced by new ones.

“I should’ve been there for ya, but I wasn’t…you shouldn’t have to put up with me, I understand if ya wanna sever our pact…” You were lost for words, the fact that he thought you would ever do that to him? You were frantically searching for the right words to say, you took too long though, Mammon’s face contorted and he began to sob violently.

Without a second thought you pulled him into you, wrapping your arms around him as he buried his face into your neck, holding him tightly as his body started shaking. You did your best to soothe him, assuring him that you would never sever your pact over this, you gently stroked his tangled hair as he continued to apologize against your skin.

You were never that good at consoling people when they were upset but for some reason it came naturally with him, maybe it was because of how close you had become, maybe it was because Mammon always brought out the protective side in you, or maybe you just felt guilty for yelling at him along with the others. Whatever the reasoning, you continued to try and calm him, one hand still running through his hair while the other gently rubbed his back, eventually you felt his arms snake around your waist and his breathing started to even out.

“It wasn’t your fault Mammon, I don’t blame you and I don’t want you to blame yourself anymore. I don’t want you to think I hate you, and I would never sever our pact alright?” You pulled away from him slightly to see his face, the tears had stopped and in their place was a light blush on his cheeks. “You’re gonna have to try a lot harder than that to get rid of me.” You teased, the second born scoffed and looked away, but you caught a glimpse of that goofy grin he always had when being bashful around you.

It was nice to see him smile again, to see him in general honestly, you realized how lonely it was without him around to make you laugh. You knew he had missed you just as much by the way he clung on to the bottom of your shirt, you had known for a long time that somewhere along the way he had fallen for you, and regardless of your feelings towards him he was your best friend above all else. You loved seeing him smile, you loved the way he laughed at all your stupid jokes, and you loved how he always made sure you felt included.

You looked at your first man, a title he was so proud of even if it sounded inappropriate, and you suddenly thought about Mammon, not the one in front of you but the one you had left behind. The one that never even got to say goodbye, in fact the last thing you had said to him was “If I die, I’m totally coming back to haunt you!” the memory made you sick to your stomach.

Did he know?

Had Barbatos known you wouldn’t be coming back? Is that why he and Diavolo wouldn’t allow anyone to go with you? If he did, did he also know you die in this timeline? Did he tell the brothers?

You felt your own cheeks become laced with tears, Mammon had been so anxious about you leaving, it pained you to think he might still be waiting for you to return. Was the Mammon you left behind just as torn up right now as the one sitting in front of you? Did he blame himself for letting you go alone? Was he still standing there at the door you walked into, patiently waiting and hoping for you to step back through?

“Hey, come on now, don’t you start cryin’” You were snapped out of your thoughts by his voice, you didn’t realize your tears were now falling off your face and into your lap, Mammon reached up to wipe your cheek.

“I’m so sorry.” You meant to say that at full volume but all you could manage was a whisper. Mammon froze, his hand still on your cheek, his face went bright red as he searched yours for an explanation.

“What are ya sorry for? I’m the idiot that screwed up and let ya get hurt!” You shook your head and sighed. Explaining the timeline ordeal would just give you a headache and possibly throw him into another spiral.

“I should have come looking for you sooner. I was stubborn and angry, I didn’t think about how that day affected you also. I’m sorry you’ve been suffering alone like this. I miss having you around.” You placed your hand on his wrist gently and looked into his deep blue eyes. In typical Mammon fashion he couldn’t handle it and turned away from you.

“Geez, why ya gotta say somethin’ mushy like that huh? I mean of course ya missed me, I am—”

“The Great Mammon.” The avatar of greed whipped his head back around to see you with the dorkiest smile on your face; he couldn’t help but smile too.

“See, you humans do catch on!” You rolled your eyes and laughed; Mammon felt his heart swell a little at the sound. “H-Hey…MC…”

You gave him an inquiring look before he pulled you into a hug.

“I missed ya too…Promise ya won’t go leavin’ me like that again alright?”

“I promise.” You hugged him a little tighter before letting go. “Now, why don’t we get you out of this room? I’ll take you to Hell’s Kitchen, your treat?” You smirked and pulled out the most coveted item that ever existed from your jacket pocket.

“Goldie?? How did ya— Why do ya have—” Mammon looked at you in awe. You couldn’t help but giggle.

“I have my ways.” You teased. He didn’t need to know that Lucifer had given you the card almost six months ago, in hopes of hiding it from the mischievous over spender, instead you’d let him think you were some kind of God for pulling a stunt like this. “So? Wanna go have some fun?”

“I guess I can go out with ya, since your askin’ me and all!” That familiar look returned to Mammon’s face, the one he got whenever you invited him to hangout even if it was just to watch tv all afternoon.

“Great! Oh, but first…will you do something for me?”

“O-of course, you know I’d do anythin’ for ya.” The blush on his cheeks returned. You placed a hand on his leg still under the comforter and smiled politely.

“Take a shower first?” His blush deepened and he ran a hand through his hair.

“Guess I did let myself go huh?” He shifted uncomfortably on the bed, taking a look around his dimly lit room, finally seeing how bad it was.

“It’s okay, we’ve all been there,” You tried to ease his embarrassment. “One time I took what was supposed to be a casual thirty-minute nap and it turned into a twenty-two-hour depression nap. When I woke up, I had a chip stuck to the side of my face…I wasn’t even eating chips at the time.” Mammon laughed at your dumb little story.

“Hurry up and get ready! It’s late and I’m hungry!” You stood up and made your way to the door, you turned to look back and saw a fretful look on Mammon’s face. “Hey, don’t worry. I’ll be in my room waiting.”

“Promise ya won’t leave without me?”

“I promise,”

For a brief moment everything around you disappeared, it was just you and him. You thought about what he had done, what he had seen. You thought about the other version of him somewhere in a different timeline, you couldn’t go back and tell that version you were safe, but you could do everything in your power to comfort this one.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Tag List: @asexual-levia-tan @demonablack83 @jockallensworld @ari-shipping-stuff @hamiltonwrite12 @spookyyarn @ice-cream-nekogirl @deppressed-bixch-number2 @undead-dante @paulowniatormentosa @shamrockfish @drakaena @321clockworkangels @obeymemammoney @saeranthot @frankpanioncube @callalillie15 @magic-forever-and-after @midnightbluebell @thegreatiroko @crackheadbbb & @yaboihack (you didn’t ask to be tagged but I know you enjoy Mammon :) )

✨Reblogs much appreciated! ✨

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otomes-and-tears · 1 year

Note

Well hello hello dear friend, here i am with request... I am terrible at formuling but hope i read the rules right and that you'll feel like it but here is a request.

It happened to me not long ago but may i ask for one ( or more ) blooming panic babes reacting to mc falling asleep on video call only a few minutes after starting it ? Bonus point for a redface on the keyboard.

♦️MC falling asleep on VC with Nakedtoaster ♦️

► Tags/Warnings: -

► Words: 459

► A/N: HELLO AL!! I liked this prompt so much I’m working on writing for the other love interests 💛

Decided to post Toasty first because… Well, favoritism!

► Masterlist

“Hey, have I ever told you that you need to quit your job?”

Toasty had, in fact, mentioned that. Numerous times, actually.

It’s not like MC disagreed. The insane work schedule, which lead to them working four hours overtime today, often made them feel like they were about to fall over and die from exhaustion, like the protagonist of one of the numerous shitty isekai romance web novels they’ve been reading lately.

It was getting ridiculous, honestly. It was only a question of time before they finally decided to take the leap and quit, but it never really seemed like the right time and MC really didn’t want to screw their colleagues over by quitting in the middle of an important project.

So they endured. Slept three hours, showed up to work by 6AM sharp and tried their best to stay alert by drinking ungodly amounts of caffeinated drinks.

By the time they got home, the only thing they had the energy to do was talk on the server and spend a couple of minutes on voice chat with Toasty, who seemed increasingly more concerned about MC’s health.

“You have, yes. And I will! Eventually…” MC tried to reassure them, but the excuse seemed weak even to their own ears. Whatever, MC was too tired to sound more convincing. “I’m getting really tired of this.”

Mc points to themselves, hoping that their general appearance is enough of an descriptor.

It didn’t do anything to quell their partner’s worry, however. And MC knew that he was about a second away from dropping any and all responsibilities and coming to visit them.

“You just seem tired in general.” Toaster muses

“I should let you get some sleep.”

“No!! Please.” You protest, and toasty pauses before he can log out of the call. “I… I had a long and shitty day and just wanted to listen to your voice for a bit longer. Can you tell me about your day?”

Toasty relinquished— of course they did. Neither of them really liked saying goodbye and having an excuse to delay it a bit longer was always something they’d take.

Their face was bright red as they recounted their activities for the day. The new project they’d been working on, the difficult raid they took part in and a weird experience they had at a restaurant earlier. Mc manages to listen attentively for all of five minutes before their eyes close, their face resting against the keyboard and spamming “g” on one of the channels.

Toasty looked on adoringly, torn between relishing on how pretty his partner was and absolutely hating how they’d been roped into working long hours again and he was too far away to do help them more.

“Sweet dreams, MC.”

#blooming panic #bloomic #nakedtoaster #bloomic toasty #bee’s writing

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nomerrynolife · 3 months

Text

About that Last Twilight ending...

So, I’m just gonna say it straight that probably doesn’t resound with the rest of you viewers here.

I don’t hate it.

BUT

I don’t like it either.

I won’t delve into the whole ableism/ableist issue as for one, I’m not a disabled person, specifically not a blind person. It is not my place to give an opinion on this as I can’t and won’t ever understand what it’s like to be blind. And there’s quite a few posts already that have commented on this issue quite strongly so that’s that.

I just wanna write down my thoughts as a BL drama lover, Thai Drama enthusiasts, and as JimmySea fan. Also, my POV as someone who is there at the Fan Meeting in Siam Pavalai. It’s been a week, and I was busy since and only had the time now to gather my thoughts and feelings towards the finale.

The Sudden Break-Up and Blocking. I’m not sure why the writers decided to made Day to be a brat who can’t have a proper discussion on Mhok’s decision to stay. Because we see in episode 11 that Day is actually happy and supportive and encouraging Mhok to go to Hawaii if he’s selected. The least the writer could do is make them talk (or argue) it out instead, breaking up is okay if they still disagree, but blocking Mhok for 3 years? A bit excessive don’t you think?

The Non-Existent Discussion About Mhok’s Trauma. This is like the elephant in the room that never got addressed or shown at all except the nightmare in episode 11 and occasional name dropping of Rung. We get it that Day can’t see that Mhok is having a nightmare, nor did he can read Mhok’s expression if he’s upset or sad about anything but throughout their friendship they didn’t talk at all about Rung and Mhok’s family in depth? They didn’t make Day asked what happened with Mhok’s sister? Like if the writers gonna make this as the reason Mhok is staying why didn’t this issue ever brought up before? This makes the break up uncalled for since Day didn’t know the real reason Mhok is staying and rejecting the job offer.

Day’s Not Giving Back – I know a lot of people is saying how Mhok keeps on giving and Day not giving back or did anything at all for Mhok, but I think Day’s contributions is Mhok’s improvements in himself i.e. giving up smoking, learning to cook better, learning to be a proper caretaker instead of just being someone who brought Day’s food. It wasn’t physical or significant but it’s there, no matter how small.

Mhok Excessive Flirting – I don’t mind (in fact I quite enjoy it) the flirting and sweetness and cutesy antics but after the blocking for 3 years Mhok can just comeback and flirt shamelessly and acting like nothing happen………… I know this is probably just to make a happy scene for us since we cried a lot over the previous episodes but come on now, as realistic as their flirting is no one in real world would immediately flirt after not seeing each other for 3 years.

Mhok Admitting He Did Pity Day (W.T.F??) – Out of all the fuck-ups in episode 12 this is the fuck ups I’m most angry with. The rest of the flaws in the episode is forgivable but this is like the Lord of the Fuck-Ups. We have seen from the first episode that Mhok is rather curious than pity, and we know the decision to decline the job offer stems from Mhok unaddressed trauma over his sister’s death. He rather be with Day instead of being away, worrying, wondering, and feeding on his paranoia (definitely NOT pitying) so when Mhok apologize and admitting that he did pity Day I almost threw my phone to P’Aof across the cinema hall.

The Sudden Eye Donation – I know a lot of people quite preferred that Day remained blind, after all the entire series centers around Day accepting his blindness, and to show that blind people can lead a normal life. The only thing I’m disagreeing over is how soon Day got the eye donation. I don’t think in any part of the world organ donation is easy to come by, let alone twice in the span of 3 years, no matter how rich his family is (Mhon isn’t exactly a politician that gets away with everything). In my head the ending would be Mhok and Day living life like normal couple, having a meal with Night, Porjai and Mhon, and the scene cut to shows Mhon’s phone ring at the back, showing Eye Donation Center calling and series ended there with P’Aof name appearing (you know like Inception ending where we didn’t know whether Dom’s coming back to his kids is real or not). The decision to make Day received the eye donation as soon as they make up seems lazy and unnecessarily convenient to me.

Day’s Heart Shattered into Pieces Comments – I saw someone said on twitter (I couldn’t find the link sorry) “did Day have amnesia or something” and did he forget he said “this is good” when he goes completely blind for the first time on the mountain and compare it to the last epilogue where Day said his heart is shattered into pieces when he goes blind. I think what was meant here is one can accept one’s fate, but still be heartbroken with it. I like to think this is like how we deal with death of loved ones, we accept that’s it’s God’s will but we are still heartbroken over it. Day did accept his blindness; doesn’t mean he can’t be heartbroken.

Scriptwriter Having a Blind Friend to Comment– There’s the series scriptwriter on twitter, where they said they have a blind friend and when they wrote the script, the scenes and the characters feelings is in consultation with the said blind friend. So, when the finale is written they did have an argument among themselves on how to go about, whether Day stays blind or gets an eye donation. I saw a lot of hate being directed to P’Aof, I just hope people know he’s not the only screenwriter on this series. And I know I said earlier on I don’t mind that Day got his sight back but I can’t help but feels like the whole point of one palm distance and “the last image that I see” is… pointless. The songs still slaps btw.

Did Jimmy Sea Have Any Say About Their Character At All? As someone who’s portraying the characters, did a very good job with it and seem to understand and empathize a lot with their characters' situation, I wonder if they have any say on Mhok’s character admitting he’s at fault or whether Day should be more considerate of Mhok’s situation. Because we never see Day equally apologizing for not giving Mhok the chance to explain himself. And it’s quite out of character for Mhok to admit that he did pity Day. What I see from Hollywood is that actors have “creative differences” with the scriptwriter all the time in regard to the character they’re portraying so that probably doesn’t apply to Thai entertainment.

People Wishing Death To Fans Attending – guys, come on. It’s a spur of the moment thing, we cheered because we were shocked, happy, annoyed (??). All in all, I have fun throughout the whole fan meeting, the excitement to meet JimmySea, the anxiousness in how it gonna end, the eye to eye contact with JimmySea during the group photo. They’re real people guys, so beautiful up-close. Namtan is ETHEREAL, such a Goddess.

One thing I’m glad that in this fandom, even after the critics, fans bashing and semi-disastrous finale, I see no one is blaming Jimmy and Sea. If anything, they truly deserve the praises, the love and the accolades that they have received so far from their outstanding portrayal as Mhok and Day.

For those who’s just starting to binge-watching the series, please do continue and don’t be discouraged seeing all these negative reviews and comments. Please enjoy JimmySea’s visual and acting (coz I love them so much they deserve the world even when the series ending is not what everyone’s expected and I’m crying as I’m typing this while begging you to not hate them), just that don’t get your hopes up, keep your expectations low and prepare to be let down at the end.

Here’s a couple of pictures at the fan meeting, if you got the chance to go to the next fan meeting please do. I practically sold my kidney for the last minute flight coz I'm waited only after I got the admission tickets to buy the flight tickets.

Thank you for these memories, thank you for enjoyment for the past 12 weeks, thank you JimmySea. I will cherish this forever 💜💙

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cockdestroyer32 · 2 years

Text

some plans...

tangerine x fem!reader

word count: 2k

tags: SFW, bickering, violence, murder (they are assassins after all), tension, drinking, rivals to (not really) lovers

summary: after reluctantly teaming up in order to survive, you and tangerine disagree about what would be the best plan to use, leading to you having to save him.

authors note: I have a really specific taste in fics and couldn't find too many that fit those strict requirements so I just decided to write one and post it lol. english is not my first language so if some things aren't correct, I apologize. anyway I love this man so much I'm abt to repeat his name three times in the mirror at 3am to see if he shows up in my room cuz I need him

The bar area was washed by the neon green light descending from the ceiling. Due to the lack of people in the room, the compartment was mainly quiet, with only the sounds of distant passengers chatting and the speeding train to fulfill that tranquility. You stood in front of the bar countertop, one elbow leaning on it, supporting the weight of your body, impatient. When you got particularly bored, you took a sip of the champagne you gave yourself the liberty of pouring. You usually didn’t allow yourself to drink on the job, but due to recent circumstances, you decided alcohol was a much-needed aid. Tangerine was “recent circumstances” of course.

You did not, in any way, plan on teaming up with each other, but when the briefcase ended up being stolen by a third party, you found your goals aligning and decided to join forces for better chances of survival. But you truly did not expect Tangerine to be this much of a pain in the ass. You had always chosen to work alone, having control over jobs and only worrying about yourself had always been important, which is why this was so hard. Plus the fact that Tangerine was just incredibly difficult. Mainly that. Now you waited for him to return so you could continue on your little mission, and hopefully get off this train in one piece.

You finally saw the man walking in your direction, he approached you and leaned his elbow on the countertop, mirroring you.

“Six men. Two guarding the first door, two the middle, and two the last door.” He said, looking at the passing city in the window.

“And that’s not counting the guys in the surveillance compartment?”

“No, only two there.”

“Alright. I got the 6.” You take a sip of your champagne.

“Now hold on there, darlin’ I can get the 6 guys.”

“Okay, well, so can I.”

“Well no offense love, but I can get this done way fuckin’ quicker than you.”

You sigh. Here we go.

“Then what is your plan exactly?”

“What’d ya mean a fuckin’ plan? What do I need a goddamn plan for? Just get in there and take them on.”

“Really? That’s your plan?”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” He took your glass of champagne, allowing himself to take a sip, much to your displeasure.

“No offense, Tangerine, but going into a fight guns blazing isn’t exactly a tactic that works with six people, no matter how skilled you think you are.”

“Well, what is your brilliant fuckin’ plan? Enlighten me.”

“When you’re dealing with six highly trained guards all at once, your best course of action is to play a little pretend game, be obnoxious and separate a few from the rest of the group, therefore improving your odds.” You explained like an increasingly frustrated teacher on their 5th attempt at schooling a young child.

He then set your glass of champagne back on the countertop and slid it over to your side, as if saying ‘Mine, now…yours.’ “Oh so you’re gonna do some bloody theatrics is that right?”

“Yes. And they’re much more likely to believe the desperate young woman rather than the ‘Oi, now that’s bloody brilliant innit’ dude.” You mocked his accent.

“I don’t fuckin’ sound like that.”

“Beg to differ.” You mutter into your glass of champagne.

“Listen, we can stay here all night discussing what’s the best tactic to use but we are on a time crunch, and unless you let me do my fuckin’ part neither one of us is leaving this goddamn train because our corpses will be too busy being shoved inside some fuckin’ suitcases by some braindead White Death lackey.”

He’s not wrong, you could stay here arguing all night, but you know the fucker isn’t gonna back down and there is no time, so…this time he’s gonna be having it his way. You sigh, now leaning with both elbows on the bar countertop, facing away from Tangerine, giving him no reply. He notices this quiet surrender, which of course, amuses him thoroughly. “Don’t worry love,” He continued with a smile on display. You take yet another sip of your champagne, apparently smudging your red lipstick. “Some plans…” He brushes his thumb over the corner of your mouth, cleaning it. “…are just better than others.” Then gives you the biggest shit-eating grin you’ve ever seen in your life. This little shit.

You made your way to the surveillance compartment with determination and poise, holding the big champagne bottle you “borrowed” from the bar, which you grievously emptied in the sink. This was going to be over quickly, and hopefully so would Tangerine’s fight. You did not have time and the necessity for a dead Tangerine on this train, you could use all the help you could get, even if that help came in the form of an incredibly irritating man with a thick mustache and a somewhat funny British accent. You couldn’t fight the six men together in case one team decided to radio the other, if no one radioed back and they noticed something sketchy was going on, they could call for backup, the last thing you fucking needed.

“Excuse me.” You calmly announced yourself to the soon-to-be-dead men in the compartment. The room wasn’t very big, with only a small desk and a few shelves to the back and left side of the room— understandable, given all they had to do was sit and watch the security camera footage of the different parts of the train, primarily the dividing compartment, the one Tangerine was soon to be in.

“Ma’am, you cannot be in this area.” The shorter one snapped.

“Just give me one-second sir,” You requested, holding up your finger. You set the champagne bottle down on the floor to your left, and took off your low heels, setting them down neatly to your right. The men waited in confusion, most likely assuming you were just some drunk. You picked up the bottle with your right hand.

“Okay. Let’s go.” You launched the bottle on one of the man’s faces with as much force as you could muster, then ran to the second man, wrapping your legs around his head and leaning forward, dropping you both to the ground then punched the back of his head. You kick the ankle of the champagne-bottle-struck man who falls to his knees, then kick him again in his bleeding face, knocking him out. The man you were on top of pushes you off of him, leaving you lying face up, he gets a punch in, then proceeds to strangle you. You stick your fingers inside his eyeballs causing him to loosen his grip around your neck, you push him off of you, then roll your body on the ground positioning your legs so they’ll be next to his head, proceeding to strangle him with your thighs. You hold him in a tight grip until you hear his neck snap.

You get up off the ground and analyze the two men. Champagne bottle man was knocked out, still very much alive, so you pick up one of the glass shards from the shattered drink and stab him in the heart. Good, you’re done. You brush off your pants, adjusting them, and the screen gets your attention. It’s Tangerine, and he’s getting his fucking ass kicked. Whenever he tried to get a punch in, someone else behind him managed to strike him first. You sigh. Bloody theatrics. Those bloody theatrics could have saved you from this trouble. The men then take him to a compartment right after theirs, forcing him to sit down. The men talked a bit amongst themselves, and left him, thankfully, alive. Two men stayed back in his compartment to watch him. That’s your cue to go save this damn stubborn man.

“Hello? Please, please help me!” You sobbed. I mean seriously, you were actually sobbing— tears were streaming down your face, your voice was cracking…you could win a fucking Emmy with just how good your goddamn performance was right now. This was about to be the best bloody theatrics Tangerine has ever seen in his life.

“Ma’am you can’t be in here!”

“Please, please help me I’m begging you! There’s an insane British man chasing me and I think he’s trying to kill me!” The, now four, men exchanged glances with each other, knowing exactly who you were talking about and wondering what the fuck they would do with you now. “Please! I think he’s coming and I really need help, please!” You wailed, getting louder, they’re going to have to help whether they want to or not.

“Okay! okay lady, we’re going to hide and protect you okay?” One of the men seethed.

“Thank you, thank you!” You cried some more. The man took you to a tiny bathroom next to the room you were in and shut the door.

“Alright ma’am, you’re gonna need to calm down a bit, then we’re going have to find another place you can hide in alright?” He stated, not even bothering to try and sound the least bit empathetic. Now expressionless, you turn to him, smudged black makeup under your eyes making you look even more deranged. His face drops and he doesn’t have time to react to the ceramic soap dispenser you strike him in the face with. It hits him with strength, so his head bounces back hitting the wall and he falls to the ground, causing a loud thud. You get his gun, which thankfully has a silencer.

“Hey! Is everything good in there?” Our number one out of three knocks on the door. You turn the handle slowly, then open the door as fast as possible, twirling Number One around and using him as a human shield. You shoot Number Two, then Number One who you throw in front of Three to block his view, when that’s done you also shoot him. You finish off the man in the bathroom before positioning your back against the wall, waiting for one of the men who were on Tangerine-watch to come out. When he does, you kick his knee, hit his head with the gun, then shoot him in the head. You hear Tangerine wrestle with the other man who was left with him. The fight quiets down, and you take a peek— Tangerine was, expectedly, the winner.

Now, you were the one with the shit-eating grin, not bothering to hide your smugness, and wearing your pride like a badge instead.

“Don’t fucking give me that look alright? If it wasn’t for the little shit hiding behind me every time I tried to make a move I would’ve won the fight.” He stated, seemingly trying to convince himself more than you. He was way more disheveled than the last time you saw him at the bar, his face sweaty and hair untidy, with wild curls falling in front of his face, much different than the slicked-back look he had beforehand.

“Mm, I don’t think so.”

“I’m a good fuckin’ fighter okay?”

“Oh I believe you, but like I said, it’s not about the fight, but the plan— my plan, which was better, and ended up saving your ass at the end of the day.”

“Okay fine, yeah. Your plan was much better and we should have gone with it from fuckin’ the beginning, is that what you want me to say, love?”

“Thank you, and you’re welcome, now you know you should actually listen to me,” You slowly approached him. He stood with his hands on his hips, knowing he couldn’t give you any reply that would successfully defend him from this. “But hey, don’t worry about it, ‘cuz sometimes some plans…” You take another step towards him and tuck one of his loose curls behind his ear with your finger, tracing it down the side of his face, then letting it linger on his jawline. “…are just better than others.” You smile and give him two taps with the palm of your hand. Now you can both continue on your mission, and this time you’d do it with a smile on your face, knowing you proved Tangerine wrong. You are definitely not letting him forget about this. Ever.

#bullet train #tangerine #tangerine x reader #tangerine bullet train #tangerine x y/n #tangerine x you #tangerine x fem!reader #bullet train fanfic #aaron taylor johnson

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marvelstars · 9 months

Text

Padmé, Luke and Anakin: compassion as unlimited love

Disclaimer: this is an answer that got too long for @husborth great points about the fandom mistreatment towards Padmé and her role in Star wars and wanted to add my two cents. You can read Husborth´s great take here:

You made many good points about Padmé character mistreatment by the fandom, I just personally disagree that this perjuice agaisnt women is a Christian/Catholic cultural staple, the belief that women are weak is part of many cultures unfortunately but in the old and new testament from the Bible is common to see figures of women taking leadership roles that lead towards the salvation of their people not by being violent or men like but by being wiser, patient, understanding and brave stories like Ruth or Esther show this. Lucas got inspired by some of these stories to develop Padmé and Leia and it´s also why he wanted to add a daughter for Anakin and the reason why Luke originally was going to be a woman.

But getting back to Padmé, this is why I personally get mad at Obi-Wan for using Padmé´s worry for Anakin to get in her ship without her knowledge so she would lead him to Vader and the fact he didn´t do anything to try to convince Anakin that Padmé didn´t know he was there and he didn´t particulary care to use her or thought about her well being given he knew Anakin was completely out of control.

I don´t think the fandom talks enough about this fact. Obi-Wan USED Padmé to get to Mustafar so he would be able to kill Anakin by an order from Yoda. This is pretty clear in ROTS and it´s also why while they had a pretty cute friendship and familiar relationship, I don´t see Obi-Wan as a character who understood what happened with Anakin and also don´t see post destruction of the Jedi temple, for very understanding reasons why he would have compassion for Anakin, this is also why the Obi-Wan series kind of get away from canon imo, Obi-Wan wasn´t raised that way and his plan of using Luke to kill Vader and the Emperor in the original trilogy by raising up Luke´s idea of his father while Vader was his killer when he knew they were the same person supports this imo.

But I disgress the fact is that out of most characters in Star Wars, Padmé is the one character who recognized a psycotic break when she saw one. It isn´t Padmé´s fault the only way Obi-Wan saw to stop Anakin was to cut him into pieces and let him dying burning alive.

I agree with you in that the narrative ultimately gives Padmé the reason and that compassion would have gone a longer way and ultimately saved the galaxy, that Luke´s story reflects this, that punishment only served to add fire to the darkside and even killing Anakin would have zero effect on Palpatine´s Empire and given Anakin was the one who ultimately killed the Emperor when Yoda was defeated, then Anakin´s death would only mean a longer time for the Empire if not the 10,OOO years Palpatine planned for the Sith Empire but Obi-Wan didn´t know the details of Anakin´s fall, he didn´t know about his nightmares or how much Palpatine grooming got into Anakin´s mind and how to treat a person in the middle of losing his mind and given his formation, killing was what he was teached to do with a Sith.

So Obi-Wan saw a Sith who just destroyed his family, Padmé saw Anakin, the sweet slave kid who risked his life to help a Queen and her planet, the joking husband who loved her with his life, who was happy to leave everything behind, his work, his role as Jedi Knight to help her raise their kid on Naboo, she saw Anakin completely out of his senses, paranoid, hurting and alone and decided what was needed was her giving him some breathing room so he would get back to his own senses, Padmé here knows about the darkside but isn´t sure how this affects a person this was why she backed away from Anakin when he started talking about taking over the Empire and become Emperors because this wasn´t her husband talking anymore and still she tried to convince him to get away from it all in an intent to help him get back to himself.

At this point Padmé knows he´s not been sleeping or eating, that he had nightmares of her dying which awoke what happened with his mother, that Palpatine has become a tyrant who has keep a close realtionship with Anakin since he was a little kid and that Palpatine used her and the crisis on Naboo to become Chancellor, it isn´t hard for Padmé to put two and two together to understand Anakin´s mental unstability has a lot to do with Palpatine and that this happening just after Palpatine became Emperor isn´t a coincidence.

I personally liked a part of the alternative story in which Padmé tried to kill Anakin using a dagger because this is also in character for Padmé, at least her amidala persona would have thought about this in a pragmatic way but I also believe she ultimately would have taken the path of compassion,in a way also reflecting back towards Luke own decision.

This is also why Vader keep beating himself over Padmé and their child death for years, because he knew he could have used this oportunity to be with Padmé and raise their kid but this guilt also pushed him deeper into the darkside for many years while also keeping him connected to the light side which Palpatine noticed, instead of feeling satisfaction for power Vader just fell into a state of constant mourning for Padmé, their kid, the younglings and everything he did that day while trying to make it count for something working on the Empire because he knew there was no fixing what he did and that he was completely consumed by the dakrside.

Now this is also why I give Luke so many points for getting to her mothers conclusion with not much or at all information Padmé and Obi-Wan had about Anakin. He just goes out of his way to save Vader because he doesn´t want to become a patricide but also because he felt this yearning from Vader for a Son which reflected his own yearning for a father. Luke is showing compassion that reflects his mothers but his reasons for going ahead with it had a lot to do with how he was raised, family is important on Tatooine, he grew up with her grandmothers family, he knew how the darkside worked because he also felt that strong temptation himself and also almost fell in the throne room, which also served him to understand how easy it´s to fall under such pressure and that his father had a similar pressure and he knew Vader had tried to protect him in his own twisted way which meant Luke was Vader´s weakness and he´s Vader´s weakness because he loves him.

I agree with Husborth Padmé and Luke correlation in their compassion towards Vader should be talked more as well in the fandom imo all these nuances are what make of star wars such a good story and it´s a shame we often forget in the fandom to talk about it in a nuanced way.

#padmé amidala #anakin skywalker #luke skywalker #obi-wan kenobi #yoda #jedi order #Empire #Palpatine #compassion is unlimited love #The role of women in star wars #anti-women prejuice #anidala

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blueper-saiyan · 21 days

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Okay so I just want to say about your Vegeta caring about Krillin and Gohan post, that you're kind of overlooking some very important reasons about why Vegeta was looking out for them. The first time he runs into them, he discovers that they had some dragon balls, and threatens to kill krillin over it. When he then finds gohan, he mock's the kid's father, hits him, and then spells out that he's only sparing gohan due to believing he's only minutes away from immortality. he was actually on his way TO KILL gohan and krillin when he found out gohan denied him his wish, only stopping bc he sensed guru powering up gohan. he then only teams up with krillin and gohan bc he knows how dangerous the ginyu force is. to spell it out: once they got all the dragon balls, not only does krillin and gohan betray him, but vegeta also internally thinks to himself how they're fools and he's gonna wish for immortality and be done with them.

when he finds out that they screwed him over AGAIN, he's clearly going to follow through his intention to try and kill them until krillin agrees to get dende to make him immortal. while vegeta is (somewhat hypocritically) astonished with the beat down frieza is giving gohan, he STILL tries to leave them both to die once frieza's far more powerful in his second form than he expected. Not take them both with him, but leave them to die while he escapes. Given Krillin and Gohan were both boosted, he thought of them as useful tools to survive and beat frieza, which was why he told krillin not to help gohan to instead give HIM a zenkai boost.

tldr; Vegeta was being very pragmatic, but the actual level of care is minimal- and therefore more consistent with how he treats raditz and nappa.

Sorry to just dump this in your inbox. but i just disagree with vegeta's intentions are woobified by so many fans, in namek and saiyan saga he was the same level of ruthless, just more pragmatic in namek by necessity. while there could be implied care for gohan, krillin and vegeta aren't at all friends, especially considering all the times krillin has admitted he thought vegeta should die (in the saiyan saga, vs zarbon, and after cell becomes perfect)

like vegeta is a BAD person. he's selfish and would've killed more people had he gotten the chance during those two arcs, and it bothers me when people think him not being a dick at EVERY opportunity equates to him being kind or caring.

Don't worry, I'm aware that Vegeta wanted to backstab Krillin and Gohan. Honestly, when I wrote the post I thought I was giving Vegeta a little too much sympathy and I did consider adding the times he thought about killing Krillin and Gohan to make it fair, but I decided that bogged down the post when the actual question was “why did Vegeta expend more effort on preserving Krillin and Gohan's lives than Raditz and Nappa's when he’d known the former for 1 month and the latter for 25 years?”

Honestly, I think that parkergeorg has a solid explanation of it. Hopefully that has logic that works better for you, since it comes down to it being situational and a result of Vegeta actually being concerned enough about Freeza to realize he needs allies rather than taking allies for granted/using them as a demonstration of how strong he is.

I will say that although you're right about most of Vegeta being shitty to Krillin and Gohan (trying to kill them before the team up, plotting to kill them after they'd teamed up, going to go kill them once they'd taken the dragon balls), this part:

"he STILL tries to leave them both to die once frieza's far more powerful in his second form than he expected. Not take them both with him, but leave them to die while he escapes."

is anime filler, and I'm not even sure if it made it into Kai? It's definitely not in the manga; Vegeta doesn't try and leave the fight. He definitely did do all of those other terrible things though.

"tldr; Vegeta was being very pragmatic, but the actual level of care is minimal- and therefore more consistent with how he treats raditz and nappa."

I'm cool with that explanation. I still think that he put more effort into keeping Gohan alive than Raditz or Nappa, because there was genuinely no reason to save Gohan from fourth form Freeza, or alert them to where Freeza was, but I'd accept that Vegeta's willingness to backstab them both balances it out. I should have been more explicit in the original post that "there wasn't a difference in how he treated them" was a valid response. I do think there's a recognizable difference, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with me.

"Sorry to just dump this in your inbox. but i just disagree with vegeta's intentions are woobified by so many fans, in namek and saiyan saga he was the same level of ruthless, just more pragmatic in namek by necessity."

I don't mind, don't worry. I have seen what you mean about woobifying him, I find it annoying even though I occasionally do it myself (probably inevitable for a favorite character), and that wasn't what the intent of the post was. I did try and propose the purely pragmatic explanations of Vegeta's behavior, but I guess I didn't give it as much focus. I will say that I still think he's lying when he says he doesn't care/that he saved them to show off/whatever, but as parkersgeorg pointed out, the lie doesn't have to be to cover for caring for them in a way that involves actual concern for others. He could just as easily be avoiding admitting that he might need help later because that's humiliating and he's supposed to need no one.

"like vegeta is a BAD person. he's selfish and would've killed more people had he gotten the chance during those two arcs, and it bothers me when people think him not being a dick at EVERY opportunity equates to him being kind or caring."

I know he's awful, it's a solid part of what makes him compelling as a character. It makes the times where he chooses not to be awful more interesting by contrast, which is why I made the original post, along with the comparison to how he treated his other allies. However, you're right that there's a reasonable enough pragmatic explanation for trying to keep Gohan and Krillin alive, barring the final save with Gohan, and that could still be argued as preserving an ally in case he needs him later. I certainly wouldn't call his actions kind or caring even if he did save them out of respect instead of pragmatism though. When I say care, I mean it also in the sense that I care when my favorite tools break, but it's certainly not the way I care about a person. It covers a wide range of emotional investment, that he could be at any level of.

There's another post around somewhere that points out that because we expect Vegeta to be the worst all the time, when he doesn't live all the way down to those expectations it's a pleasant surprise, so it feels like he's done way better than less than the bare minimum. That's what causes the phenomena you've noticed. However, I'm still curious about when/why he is a dick and when/why he isn't a dick, as well as wtf is going on with his worldview, so I made the post, and I got some interesting explanations out of it. I think your perspective on it is worthwhile too so I'll post this.

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dominote · 3 months

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omg... please may I know more abt bb playing L in ur tv show au 🫴 (no pressure, I just saw ur tags and I'm so intriguied :3)

aaaa yes!! i'm not gonna give away the WHOLE THING yet (i have over a thousand words of pre-planning notes that WILL magically be turned into a fic sooner or later), but i can definitely tell you about the premise!

so, basically - a few establishing notes:

BB survives. he's let out on probation post-canon for being on good behaviour; near pulls some strings and makes sure he's kept a close eye on.

he does this by putting him with mello and matt, who also survive the events of death note. don't worry about how. the important part is that mello's the only one left who heard about BB directly from L himself, and mello can't really argue with that logic, especially with near saying mello is better suited for something than him.

mello publishes a book about the kira case because he strongly disagrees with near about keeping things under wraps. letting light yagami be remembered as a good boy and kira as a martyr to his followers? nahhh. let the world see the man behind the "divine justice" for the charming snake he was, and let kira's followers see exactly how human their god was. some details are edited, of course, but it's largely a factual account of the case where it's clearly stated when aliases are used to protect the privacy of affected people. even a lot of details about L are released, because mello wants the original L to be remembered properly, not be tucked under light's and near's asses as though there was never a difference. near doesn't agree with mello, but he doesn't stop him, either, as long as he gets to approve the final draft before release.

the book becomes an absolute bestseller, obviously. everyone wants to know the real story of the battle between kira and L. before long, directors and movie studios clamor for mello's attention, wanting to sign deals for the rights to make a movie or tv show based on his retelling of events.

obviously, they need actors for the tv show mello agrees to sign with. hideki ryuga's the director's top choice for light, not just because of the resemblance, but the fact that he's local to tokyo and the bonus of his name coming up as an alias used by L himself - it's perfect. recognizing that mello is really, really picky about the casting for L, though, the director lets mello sit in on the casting for that role.

no force in the world (matt) could possibly have kept BB from making it to the audition.

mello has little choice but to admit that yeah, okay, going for accuracy, applicant rue ryuzaki is unfortunately the best casting choice among the options. he is also one of mello's roommates and a nightmare to work with-- yeah, the director's already got him signing the contracts, sure, whatever.

BB is absolutely gleeful.

he is also, in fact, a nightmare to work with.

hideki ryuga, his co-star, puts up with him. so does misa amane (playing the role of misa amane). everyone else is desperately unsettled by his method acting ass.

in an attempt to bond, hideki takes BB out to party. while the night is a bit of a mess, they do at least get absolutely schwasted in the end. sensing weakness, BB pounces to ask the question that's been burning in his mind ever since he heard about hideki ryuga being an alias of L's.

L doesn't just use other people's names. he takes them as trophies. he defeats them first.

oh, yeah, a very drunk hideki ryuga confirms. yeah, i did encounter the guy, actually.

hideki ryuga does not realize in the slightest at this point that the perpetrator of the los angeles BB killings has just decided he is now the most interesting person around he can hyperfocus on.

#am i gonna write bb/hideki ryuga rarepair fic. the answer is ''i mean. too late. i already started it''#enjoy this uhhh. idk. preview? trailer? intro summary?

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rainiishowers · 2 years

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Are you in the mood for post ch.16 angst?

There's a line in the movie : The Princess Bride, where Princess Buttercup exclaims to her kidnapper(who is actually her true love) and it went like this :

"I died that day! And you can die too for all I care."

I don't know about you but that line resonated with me so much when it came to MC. Maybe they finally had enough of the brothers acting like nothing happened.

Fic or listed brother's reactions if you want. I just want delicious angst. :)

Have a blessed day/afternoon/evening/night!

Death Is Such A Silly Thing, Huh? | Obey Me |

A/N: Thank you for this angst prompt I hope you enjoy this, Anon!! (From the sound of this request, it sounded like you wanted it to be third person so that’s what I did lol) Summary: MC was already in a bad mood after everything sunk in, and finding out Mammon had accidentally sold a jewel dear to them finally made them lose it, understandably so.. Genre: Angst Warnings: Mentions of past death ----

Short Story “Are you telling me you STOLE one of my things?! And SOLD IT?!” “W-Well..” The dinner was going nice until MC brought up a precious jewel they couldn’t find. Mammon then hesitantly brought up the fact that he found a jewel similar to the one they describe, and sold it, thinking it had no value. “I am already in a bad mood for this week, I thought it couldn’t of been any worse, but nooo!” “MC, I think you should stay calm about this--” The human glares at Satan. “Oh shut up! You don’t get to talk after you threw a damn tantrum because Lucifer pissed you off! Seriously, how childish can you get?!” The nightmares of the past only fueled MC’s stress and anger, remembering how they were killed but when it was revealed they were Lilith’s descendant, everyone, especially Lucifer, acted like they didn’t try to murder them, threaten them or treat them like shit! Everyone was quite worried about their fuming master, and MC decided to give them all an earful later, walking to their room yelling to them. "I died that day! And you can die too for all I care!” Reactions Lucifer

"I died that day! And you can die too for all I care!”

He didn’t expect himself to be taken aback

They didn’t say who it was directed at, but it had to be Mammon.. right?

No, much to his dismay, he knew it was directed at all of them

Lucifer knew his past attempts to kill them, and he felt guilty

There seemed to be more to their anger then just that

He was aware of all those threats, all those times MC had to protect his own brothers from him

After his initial shock, he tells his brothers to let them be for a while, and none of them were disagreeing with him this time

He makes his way to his private office, locking the door, casting a quick silencing spell and just.. crying..

Breaks down in the safety of his office, finally realizing that MC, Lilith’s descendant, hates him, making his sacrifice for her life seem utterly meaningless.

But it wasn’t just about being his sisters descendant, it was about being the person he loved

MC had only seen Lucifer cry a few times, but he wishes they were there to comfort him right now

But... like always, he has to burden this guilt by himself..

“Damn it.. DAMN IT!!”

Mammon

W-What..?

No, they have to be joking!

When Lucifer told them to leave them alone, he really didn’t want to but then again..

This is his fault.. isn’t it?

Like everything in this cursed household

Don’t know the culprit? Blame it on Mammon!

And when he defends himself? Insult him! Threaten to hang him up on the ceiling!

When he got to his room, he curled up in a little ball on his bed and cries

He loved MC from the start, not caring about some family heritage they shared with Lilith

But that didn’t matter, no matter how much he sees those two as different, the jewel part was his mistake

After he stopped crying, he set out to take that jewel back

And guess what? The person deemed it as worthless anyways and threw it away

But.. It wasn’t worthless.. It was special to MC..

When he got back, he cleans it off and sneaks into MC’s room and swiftly sets the jewel on their desk with a note, leaving just as quick as he came

“I hope you can forgive me, even if you stay mad at me forever.. -Mammon”

Leviathan

He really didn’t want to remember...

..Does MC really want them to die?

He already ran to the safety of his room before Lucifer even told to just let them be

He was so mad at Mammon, but also at himself...

He sat himself on the beanbag chair before bursting out sobbing.

Levi didn’t want his Henry to hate him!

But.. He was one to act shitty and almost murder them so.. he’s partially to blame..

Was MC going to hate him forever..?

“P-Please don’t leave me, Player 2..”

Satan

Ah..

He wanted to go check on MC but quickly decided against it

When he got to his room, he wasted no time thrashing things around, taking his anger out on book and pillows on his bed

But.. he stops minutes later..

With his horns and tails receding, he stares at the knocked down piles of books, pillows and chairs on the floor, everything being a complete mess

He stands there before just falling to the ground, sobbing

If MC were here, they would help him calm down before anything happens

He realized that.. they took MC’s kindness and patience for granted, no party or thank you could ever make up for what they had done for the brothers...

“Thank you MC.. I’m sorry for everything we’ve done..”

Asmodeus

He goes to follow MC, but is stopped by Satan, who looked angry..

Asmo was angry as well, but not only at his brothers, but himself

While he may of not went all demon form in the past like Satan, Lucifer, or Levi, he knew he made them feel uncomfortable in the past

He didn’t think them to be worth their time, but that couldn’t be further from the truth

Asmo thought it was a forgive and forget thing

He guesses when MC had time to think about all the things the brothers had done to them after dying by Belphie’s hands, it made it a bit harder for them to forgive, much less forget..

He goes to his room and locks the door, leaping into his bed to cry into his pillows

“Oh darling.. I’m sorry..”

Beelzebub

Was already worried about the whole argument thing, but when MC said those words and stormed off, he could feel his heart break

Would.. MC really not care if they died?

He saw how hurt his brothers were by this, especially Belphie.

But.. there’s not much he can do about this.. Just let MC cool down and maybe, just maybe they would apologize..

He knew, however, that they weren’t the ones who needed to apologize..

The brothers were..

He was the one who had the hardest time with Lilith vs MC, blurring the lines a bit too much..

All those times he commented on Lilith when MC and him were doing something, seeing the shift of their expression but too busy to ask..

Too busy, ha..

That was a stupid excuse.

Before going to his room, he took all the food he could

He ate and ate.. Hoping that would take away the emotions he felt

The sadness at the realization that MC might hate them forever, the frustration he felt for not constantly reminding himself that MC and Lilith are different

It didn’t help though.. If anything, it only made it worse

But.. indulging in his sin was one of the only ways he knew how to cope, other then working out

“..Is MC going to hate me forever..?”

Belphegor

Those words..

He didn’t say much, when Beel asked how he was, he waved it off, saying he was fine

He drags himself to the attic.. The same place it happened..

He sighs heavily, feeling very conflicted

Anger and sadness engulfed him

Belphie thought that maybe sleeping would let him escape this feeling, but it was hard to even for the avatar of sloth.

He wanted MC’s warmth and kindness, but.. he didn’t deserve that, out of everyone, he probably deserved it the least.

“..I didn’t even get to have much time with them..”

Short Aftermath

“MC.. Are you sure you want to go back to the human world..?”

The human sucks in as he sat across Diavolo and Barbatos behind him. MC had requested a meeting with Diavolo, to ask to move back to the human world, they didn’t want to be here for much longer.

“Yes.”

Diavolo looks at them with a stern yet gentle gaze, trying to find any hesitation in the gaze MC gave him, but there was none. It was a determined look, determined to get out of the Devildom, away from the brothers.

“Alright.. I’ll respect your wish.”

#obey me shall we date #omswd #om! brothers #om! mc #om! lucifer #om! mammon #om! leviathan #om! satan #om! asmodeus #om! beelzebub #om! belphegor #angst #short story #reactions

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krinndnz · 10 months

Text

An Ad-Hoc, Informally-Specified, Bug-Ridden, Single-Subject Study Of Weight Loss Via Potassium Supplementation And Exercise Without Dieting

Here's the short version: I lost 30 pounds in 6 months by chugging a bunch of potassium salt and exercising a lot. My subjective experience is that cranking my potassium intake way up made it possible to do a lot more exercise than I had been doing without also eating a lot more. Exercising more without also eating more led to weight loss (as one would hope!). I did not diet: I ate as I had been doing and as it pleased me to do. Do with the raw data as you please.

Losing weight this way is unusual and worth paying attention to because many things about increases and decreases in weight and obesity are very poorly understood. Many people would like their personal weight and obesity levels to be different, so anything that improves our collective understanding of how to make that happen is valuable. However, losing weight this way is an experiment: it's not necessarily safe to do what I did! Part of why I did it was to find out what would happen, and if you have any kind of existing kidney problems then you definitely should not do what I did. Note to other transfemmes: if you're taking spiro, that counts as a kidney problem.

I also don't want to overstate the significance of this experiment: what I've been up to in the last 6 months amounts to a single data point that happens to also be 1,100 spreadsheet cells. It's a data point that is highly suggestive, sure, but it would be extremely ambitious to say that it proves anything beyond "this worked for me" and perhaps "it's not impossible for this to work". I am writing about it because as far as I know, this particular experiment is something that nobody else has tried, and, again, anything that improves our collective understanding here is valuable.

The long version comes next: how I came to be doing this experiment, what I did in the experiment, what I plan to do next, and finally what I think about it all. The really long version is the ongoing conversation that this post is part of, starting with A Chemical Hunger, which is a book-length literature review about the 1980s–present global increase in obesity prevalence, also the posts about single-subject research where the same authors discuss the limits of what can be learned from experiences like mine, also the Experimental Fat Loss guy and his wide variety of diet-only experiments, also some critics who disagree.

How I came to be doing this

At the tail end of 2022, I noticed both that my BMI had hit 30 and that I had become very unhappy about my weight. There's a specific photo where I didn't realize until I saw the photo that my belly was hanging out over my waistband and it's vividly unpleasant in my memory. Around the same time, I happened to find the potassium-supplementation community trial that the Slime Mold Time Mold folks were running. The value proposition was "this will be easy, cheap, and safe, but also it might not actually work," and that sounded good to me, so I signed up for it and took a modest amount of potassium all through December and January. It kinda-sorta worked: I lost 6 pounds. Not nothing, but "it kinda-sorta worked" is the most one can really say about losing 6 pounds in 60 days.

The low-dose potassium delivered on all of what the SMTM folks promised, though. It was easy, cheap, and safe. So I kept doing it and, since I was already doing the potassium, decided that I should get an exercise habit going. I am a big believer in the idea that it's a tremendous amount easier to go from doing Something to doing More Something than to go from doing Nothing to doing Something. The low-dose potassium got me through the first step: once I was doing Something about my weight, it was relatively easy to do More Something. When the community trial ended in early February, I didn't have to worry about messing up its results by departing from the trial's instructions, so I started taking more potassium and building my own experiment. I also kept in touch with the SMTM authors, who were very encouraging. 🐯💕

By late March I had brought myself up to daily amounts of potassium and exertion that seemed good to me, and I stuck with those. This is the first time in my life I've focused on trying to lose weight, and I was not fully prepared for how demoralizing it is that the weight change from day N to day N+1 sometimes seems perversely unrelated to what you were doing on day N. Fortunately I have experience with spreadsheets, so I put together a tracker for myself that focused on the trailing-week average of my daily weight and exercise measurements as well as long-term graphs. Three months of data were enough to put together a chart whose trendline said very, very clearly, "what you are doing is working — keep it up!" With any kind of long-term project it's very important to create and sustain sources of feedback. All else being equal, the longer it takes before you can get a read on "is this going well or poorly?", the worse it will go.

I decided that my goal would be to get my BMI from 30 (the lower limit of "obese") to under 25 (the upper limit of "normal"). Happily, the math is very easy there: for my height, a BMI of 25 rounds off to 200lbs. I further decided that I was willing to spend all of 2023 working on this. That decision is why I'm writing this post now: halfway through a project is a natural time to pause and take stock.

What I did

By the end of March, my regimen was firmly settled and I kept at it through the end of June without further tinkering. The daily goals I settled on were 10,000mg of potassium and 1,200kcal of exertion. That amount of exercise worked out to be 90 to 100 minutes per day. For contrast, in 2022 my average amount of exercise per day was 15 minutes and my average exertion was 500kcal.

I used my smartwatch's exertion number ("how many calories are you using above the amount you need to burn to be alive at all?") and gradually walked up my daily goal, settling at 1,200kcal/day partially because it was working and partially because one hour of watch face equaling 100kcal was helpful for being able to read "how close to my goal am I?" without thinking hard about it. Most of the exercise was treadmill time, usually a brisk walk or light jog. Over the months I also did some running, some bicycling, and some hiking, but treadmill time was the reliable, unremarkable, do-this-every-day core of my exercise regimen. It took a while to ramp up to that amount of exertion and there were definitely days when I stumbled, for good reasons and bad. However, in general I hit the exertion goal and in particular had it absolutely dialed from early March to mid-April.

It was easier to be totally rigorous about the potassium-intake goal — it helped that that part only took a few minutes per day, instead of 90+ minutes! I used potassium chloride powder (whatever came up first on an Amazon search since all KCl should be alike) mixed with regular Gatorade (i.e. not the sugar-free kind) to make it taste okay (I recommend blue Gatorade, it's the closest to appealing when kaliated — the yellow lemon-lime was meh and the fruit punch red was awful). I added two heaping teaspoons of KCl powder to a 20oz. bottle of Gatorade and drank that. KCl is about 52% potassium and a heaping teaspoon of it is about 6500mg, so I rounded up a smidge and called that 6600-and-a-bit milligrams of potassium per bottle. On Thursdays and Sundays I drank 2 full bottles and on other days 1.5 bottles. I recorded this as 10,000mg of potassium on regular days and 13,500mg on Thursdays and Sundays.

Is 10,000mg of potassium a lot? It's a lot more than average! The SMTM potassium trial post contextualizes it helpfully:

For a long time, the recommended daily value for adults (technically, the “Adequate Intake”) was 4,700 mg of potassium per day. But most people don’t get anywhere near this amount. In every CDC NHANES dataset from 1999 to 2018, median potassium intake hovers around 2,400 mg/day, and mean intake around 2,600 mg/day. In this report from 2004, the National Academy of Medicine found that “most American women … consume no more than half of the recommended amount of potassium, and men’s intake is only moderately higher.” Per this paper, only 0.3% of American women were getting the recommended amount. Similarly low levels of intake are also observed in Europe, Mexico, China, etc. But in 2019, the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine changed the recommended / adequate intake to 2,600 mg/day for women and 3,400 mg/day for men. They say that the change is “due, in part, to the expansion of the DRI model in which consideration of chronic disease risk reduction was separate from consideration of adequacy,” but we can’t help but wonder if they changed it because it was embarrassing to have less than 5% of the population getting the recommended amount. In any case, recommended potassium intake is something like 2,500 to 5,000 mg per day for adults, and many people don’t get enough. Potatoes are exceptionally high in potassium. A single potato contains somewhere between 600 and 1000 mg of potassium, depending on which source you look at. They are the 6th highest in potassium on this list of high-potassium foods from the NIH, and 9th on this old list from the USDA. If you do the math, this means that someone on the potato diet, eating 2,000 kcal of potatoes a day, gets at least 11,000 mg of potassium per day, more than twice the old recommended intake.

This explanation is most of why I decided to stabilize at about 10,000mg per day: because that's about how much potassium people were getting during the SMTM potato diet community trial. Because that community trial involved around 200 people, it was unlikely that there would be any truly heinous health effects from knocking back that much potassium, especially together with the anecdotal evidence that inspired the trial. Aiming for that amount also meant that it would be easier to compare my results to something that worked decently well and to ask questions like "is there something special about whole potatoes, or is it mostly the potassium?" If it's mostly the potassium, you'd expect my results to be closer to the full-potato-diet results than to the low-dose-potassium results — which is what happened.

I measured those results in a very basic way: ordinary bathroom scale, first thing in the morning, every day. Considering how much noise there is in weight measurement, there's just no advantage to measuring it more often. I kept the circumstances of the weigh-in simple and stable, trusting that that was good enough. I also measured exertion in two other forms — step count and exercise minutes — but that was mostly for my personal curiosity because both are basically downstream of exertion as such. Similarly, I tracked my sleep but didn't expect that to matter a whole lot.

While I was affirmatively not dieting, I want to make sure to talk about my food habits because I could be missing something that's easy for others to see as unusual but seems totally ordinary to me. My meals are heavy on pasta, rice, bread, and granola. I work diligently to get enough dietary fiber. I eat some meat but not a lot (eating a pound of meat in a week would be above average for me), and I enjoy coffee but not a tremendous amount of it since usually I make Chemex-style coffee and having a bunch of that in a day would be too time-intensive. My go-to snacks are cashews, pistachios, cherries, and granola bars. Like most people, I should eat more dark leafy greens than I do. I use a generous hand when measuring out olive oil. I believe that if you need either milk taste or milk fat, you shouldn't half-ass it, so when I need milk taste or milk fat, I rely on whole milk and heavy cream. Fats, generally, taste good. I eat more whole food and food I personally cook than I eat packaged and processed food, and I only infrequently eat restaurant food (weekly pizza night, maybe twice a month other than that). I really like sour candies but basically stopped eating them last autumn after some very patient coaxing from my dentist. Once in a while, dark chocolate, usually with the nuts and fruit.

I ate as I had been doing: I ate the food I felt like eating and ate as much of it as I felt like eating. If I felt like eating more or less, I did that. Since I wanted to keep the exercise habit going regardless of whether or not I lost weight, it was very important to me to not make the exercise any more difficult than it had to be. Going hungry would definitely make it more difficult, so I avoided doing that. One way in which I'm very sure my experience generalizes is, it's much easier to persuade people to try "add this supplement to what you're already eating" than to get them to try "replace all of your current food with potatoes," especially when talking about long-term or indefinite-duration changes.

What I plan to do next

I'll be thrilled if I can recapture something like the 7-week March/April streak I had going. Most days in this period (44 out of 49) were PB days (i.e. a day where my trailing-week-average weight was the lowest it had been since the start of the year) and no two consecutive days in this period were non-PB days (i.e. if a day wasn't a PB day, both the day before and the day after were PB days). I was losing almost 2lbs per week and exercising a lot and I felt great. However, my intuition is that that was the honeymoon period of going from mostly-sedentary to exercising regularly, and that I should expect further progress to be more difficult, to be like the less impressive results I got in May and June.

Still, the thing as a whole has definitely been successful enough that I'm going to keep at it until the end of the year, re-evaluating again in December (and maybe when I hit my weight-loss goal, which should happen around halfway between now and then). Since I'm using January 1st as my anchor date for the start of the experiment, it lines up nicely with the calendar if I just keep going all year and see what happens. Besides, I only need 6 months more to generate a year of data, while someone going from a cold start would need a whole year.

Given that I have a setup that is working pretty well, I'm reluctant to tinker with it. I might add one more high-potassium day in addition to Thursdays and Sundays, and I might start tracking some extra data — even though I'm not trying to change them, recording my food habits seems like the most helpful additional thing I could record.

If I develop health problems I'm gonna pull the ripcord (and post about it). There are already too many shitty fake weight loss regimens in the world that fuck up the health of people who try them, we do not need more.

What I think about it

Since I'm the one doing this experiment, I get to be excited about how it's working out for me personally, which is to say, very well indeed. Right now it seems pretty certain that I'll be able to reach my goal of losing ~50lbs in a long-term-sustainable way and just as importantly, getting myself to a much better baseline state of physical fitness. I feel pretty great about that part!

The experiment is not just for me, though: the reason it's an experiment rather than just "I'm trying to lose weight" is that I am keeping track of things carefully such that other people could carry out the same steps I did and get results similar to or different from mine and ideally everyone eventually comes to pretty firm conclusions about whether this — losing weight via potassium and exercise without dieting — works or not. My chugging potassium and Gatorade for six months to a year is the very beginning of that process, and I expect that the difficult parts of the process will be carried out by people with more expertise and resources than me.

I also expect that I have not tumbled to the One Weird Trick for weight loss that everyone else just overlooked. As someone with plenty of programming experience, I have a hearty suspicion towards "well, it worked on MY setup" stories. One obvious alternate explanation for my successful weight loss is "well yeah, you doubled your exertion and kept your food intake the same, of course you lost weight" — but I don't find that explanation satisfying. To start with, if it were that easy, people would do it more often. There are a tremendous number of people who would like to lose weight and a tremendous marketplace of devices, services, and professionals to help them use exercise for that purpose, and yet in a 20-year NCHS study, average exercise rose without obesity falling. It's also very, very easy to find fat people who exercise plenty — you will find them more or less anywhere you find lots of people exercising, as well as in places like sumo stables. A member of my family has taken up powerlifting in the last year, making him both fitter and heavier by quite a bit.

Additionally, there's studies like Keating 2017 concluding that short-term exercise intervention doesn't do enough to matter, or like the Wu 2009 work concluding that exerise-and-dieting isn't meaningfully better than just dieting over periods of 6+ months, and then there's the STRRIDE study, Slentz 2004, concluding that jogging 20 miles a week can get people to lose about 7 pounds over 8 months. The STRRIDE study caught my eye because it's pretty similar to what I did: they took obese mostly-sedentary folks, had them exercise more, and forbade them from eating less. However, once you do the math the results are much less similar: the average STRRIDE participant did around half the exercise I've done for at most a fifth of the weight loss (i.e. around 1lb/month vs. around 5lbs/month and around 3mi/day vs. 7mi/day). If someone else told me "Krinn, your naïve just-hit-the-treadmill exercise regimen is 2.5x as effective as an exercise regimen supervised & measured by professionals," I would want them to provide some compelling evidence for that.

If you tell someone you want to lose weight and would like their advice, it is overwhelmingly likely that the advice will involve exercising more. Everyone has heard this advice. And yet, as Michael Hobbes observes in a searing piece for Highline, "many 'failed' obesity interventions are successful eat-healthier-and-exercise-more interventions" that simply didn't result in weight loss. Even if we as a society choose to believe "more exercise always leads to weight loss, most people just fuck up at it," that immediately confronts us with the important question, why do they fuck up at it? and its equally urgent sibling, what can we learn from those who succeed at it to give a hand up to those who have not yet succeeded?

I find the SMTM authors' metaphor for this helpful:

[exercising more and eating less] is not an explanation any more than "the bullet" is a good explanation for "who killed the mayor?" Something about the potato diet lowered people's lipostat set point, which reduced their appetite, which yes made them eat fewer calories, which was part of what led them to lose weight. Yes, "fewer kcal/day" is somewhere in the causal chain. No, it is not an explanation.

Since I've been doing this for six months, I feel pretty certain that the potassium is doing something positive for me and I'm entirely willing to put in another six months to find out what happens for me. Finding out whether that generalizes is beyond my power: all I can do is explain what worked for me, one middle-aged Seattle housewife, and hope that it's useful to people who are in a position to do serious work about it.

One kind of serious work that's available is the very cool analytic techniques that other people in this conversation have used while looking at their data. If you are the kind of person to get elbows-deep in R or Matlab, feel free to grab my day-by-day measurements for that (I release this data under Creative Commons' CC0 if that's relevant to you). I'm not going to do that, though, partially because it's been a long time since I last used R but mostly because of the thing I said earlier about my whole experiment basically being one data point. If you have a data series, then yeah, get in there with some numeric interrogation, but if you only have one data point, that data point is what it is and statistical analysis can't really add to it. All I can claim here is that this is a new data point: people going about their everyday lives do not spontaneously increase their potassium intake severalfold and the background work from the SMTM potato diet and potassium community trials tell me that no-one's run a study looking directly at what happens if you do increase your potassium intake that much.

Do you want to increase your potassium intake that much? If you do, I have to re-emphasize the potassium community trial's safety warning: if you have existing kidney problems, do not try this. Also I'm gonna deploy the boldface again to make sure I get this across to other trans women: on this topic, taking spiro counts as a kidney problem! I am not a doctor and I'm extremely not your doctor, you should talk to your actual doctor if you have any kind of potential kidney issues and even if you're in good health and want to try chugging a bunch of potassium, you should titrate up gradually the way the SMTM writeup suggests (which is also the way I did).

In addition to a general spirit of responsibility, those warnings are important because otherwise just telling you that this is easy would sound like a recommendation. Did I mention that the experiment was easy? Easy easy. Piss easy. Lemon squeezy, etc. Of course building an exercise habit wasn't easy, but the potassium part didn't make it easier or harder, and the potassium part itself was pretty trivial. Mix this powder into Gatorade a couple times per day, drink it, done.

That said, if you do want to try this, godspeed and please write down how it goes for you. I recommend building positive reinforcement into whatever you use to track it; my personal spreadsheet for this is adorned with color-coding and happy emoji. I also recommend at least thinking about the following questions, whether you're going to do this, evaluate the results of this, or both.

How safe is it, in general rather than for me particularly, to chug this much potassium? This is the big one: "just mix potassium salt into Gatorade and drink it a few times a day" is so incredibly easy that even if the effect size is small, it could benefit a huge number of people, but of course it doesn't benefit them if it's not actually safe to do that.

Does this replicate? If it's not safe it matters a lot less whether it replicates, so the safety question comes first, but if it is safe, then one would immediately want to find out whether it works for 1% of people, 10% of people, or 50% of people.

How much do other mineral nutrients, particularly sodium and magnesium, matter for this? Maybe they need to be combined in some specific way, as this Twitter thread suggests.

Do sex hormone levels matter? I'm a trans woman and I've been having problems with access to HRT in this timeframe. Given how many things in one's body testosterone and estrogen affect, and given that previous obesity research has shown differences based on hormone profiles, that's definitely something to keep an eye on. Also because spironolactone in particular messes with renal function and potassium metabolism, I expect that it affects this. Digression: spironolactone is total bullshit as an anti-androgen of first resort. It sucks and I hate it and I should have switched to other anti-androgens even sooner than I did. If you're using spironolactone as an anti-androgen because it was the first thing your doctor tried for that, you really should try something else and see if that works.

I steadfastly avoided dieting. I like my existing diet just fine, and that's why I preferred the "what if I just chug a bunch of potassium" plan. All else being equal, I'd rather try things that let me eat what I like than things that require throwing my relationship with food into upheaval. But of course you wonder, what would happen if you did combine dieting and exercise and potassium? The ExFatLoss guy has been busy trying a lot of diet-only interventions and he's got a lot of interesting results. I am not the person to try it, but it's one of the obvious things to try, so I hope someone does try it.

How does this interact with the munchies? If you decide to try what I tried and you, like me, enjoy living somewhere where marijuana is legal, I think you should look at whether the potassium changes how you experience marijuana-induced hunger/overeating. One of the things I found very striking about the matter is that it was possible for me to chug enough potassium that the marijuana-induced hunger was drastically reduced. I expected the opposite since the potassium was causing me to eat less (relative to exertion) at other times. However, I have very strong habits about marijuana (exactly twice a week, edibles only, same amount every time) and I'm not willing to change them for this, so who knows how this aspect will work out for others. Definitely something to keep an eye on, though. Even if I wasn't losing weight, the potassium reduces marijuana-induced overeating enough that I'd probably keep going with it just for that effect.

Conclusion

I spent 6 months trying to lose weight with lots of potassium and exercise but without dieting. So far I have succeeded. Unless something disastrous comes up, I'm going to keep trying it for at least another 6 months and going to keep recording what I'm doing. I'm particularly curious to see where I'll plateau, since I assume at some point I'll start getting really hungry and/or tired instead of accidentally starving. I hope that my experience and the data I've recorded from it, are useful to people who are looking into questions about obesity and weight. Please feel free to use my data and my writeup (this post) for that. If you want to try doing as I've done, good luck and stay safe: this has worked for me but it is still experimental, it might be unsafe and/or fail to work for you.

#potassium #obesity #n=1 #slimemoldtimemold #citizen science #achemicalhunger #more or less accidentally doing science and that's kind of a weird feeling ngl but I hope it helps someone <3 #krinnposting

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