I struggle with drawing, I can't seem to visualize what I want to make, and I can never seem to flow with it like other people can.

I still like it!! It's very fun whenever I do draw! I mainly draw my persona, because that's easy for me. My little frog is something that I have quite a lot of fun drawing! I do feel a bit bad I can't seem to get anything else super well, but I also haven't been practicing.

Anyway, this was a very long winded way to say I did a draw!!

I was in the mood to just doodle, but I didn't know what to draw! So I turned to my frog and my interests as of late! I've been wickedly addicted to space for the past few weeks! I downloaded 16 astronaut skins on Minecraft and just gave them all different names and personalities. And I've been staring at my little alien project.

Blah blah space infodump, blah blah deep meaningful drawing meaning, blah blah bedtime. Hehehe!!

Edit with the version I like more:

Theres one local theatre in my town thats at the end of the line of the bus route and theyll do throwback movies and a lot of the times its 80s movies and with the new 4k version of risky business on the horizion i desperatly need them to show it

Hi! Can I have billy and stu (separate) with a gn!s/o that cries for 10-30 mins whenever they dont get something right?

A/n why is this lowkey so me

update: after the way i reacted to losing three points on an assignment today,, yeah, this is me 

also made some serious progress in part 8 of final girl!! might have to split my original idea for that chapter into chapter 8 and 9 bc i want to have something out for you guys 😭 fell a little behind with school starting and some personal stuff

----

Billy Loomis with a gn!s/o that cries whenever they don't get something right:

hm, i go a little back and forth on this bc when dealing with dating killers that have at most a limited amount of empathy capability, emotional, feely stuff is back and forth

But I feel like that's accurate, like one day, you could burst into tears and Billy would be 10/10 attentive physically because he doesn't have the right vocabulary,, and then the next he'd just sort of freeze up or get manipulative

Let's get into the good days though

If Billy knows something's going on that could lead to you crying, he'd take a preventative approach on a good day

Softly rubbing your back while you do whatever the thing that could make you cry is

Won't make you talk about the root of the problem, but will listen more than he lets on if you do want to

If you want to be distracted, he'll think of something else for the two of you to do together

In that vain, if you needed a minute, you'd get as far as the bathroom.

He doesn't like leaving you alone when he knows you're emotional, a part of it goes back to his abandonment issues with his mom.

He may not know a lot about feelings and isn't above the occasional manipulative ploy,, but he knows he doesn't ever want you to feel like that

A small part of him worries that if he does leave you like that you might either resent him or somehow start associating bad feelings with him and try to leave him

He also doesn't like feeling shut out, and likes feelings trusted

Speaking of feeling trusted, that feeling of vulnerability makes it easier for him to be understanding

Even when he doesn't get it or feels like something's dumb, he knows not to say that because he doesn't want you shutting him out

The fact that you're willing to cry in front of him kind of makes the medicine go down easy

Depending on what it is, might even encourage you to try again Now, onto the not so great days

It's rare that Billy's cruel (out loud, bc his lack of empathy thoughts aren't always the nicest) about you getting emotional, bc he doesn't want to feel like you're going to leave

But there are a few exceptions, the main one being if it involves something/someone that makes him feel jealous/territorial

Like if you're crying over a project that you're working on with some guy, his reaction to that will vary in levels of passive aggression

Or if you're crying because of some fight with friends he feels like you spend too much time with, he'll be even more aggressive/manipulative about it

"Only want me when your new friends are making you cry, huh?" type of thing

Will for sure use these moments to encourage a state of co-dependency, like reminding you how much you need him bc of who or what made you cry

Stu Macher with a gn!s/o that cries whenever they don't get something right:

Okay, so similar levels of versatility to Billy, just bc i see them both having trouble understanding emotions, and having even more trouble caring about other people’s feelings

Just bc you’re the exception to Stu not ever really taking into consideration other people’s feelings doesn’t mean he knows how to help

So his first instinct on days where he’s a little more patient/understanding is to try to change the subject

Sometimes it feels like he’s trying to redirect you like you’re a toddler with too much energy 😭

Like if you’re tearing up or crying over let’s say not understanding homework or getting a bad grade, Stu suddenly remembers this movie he’s been dying for you to see or randomly has a need to go out for ice cream or do anything that could make you stop thinking about something 

It’s normally nice, even when it doesn’t feel super helpful to you, because you know it’s his way of showing that he cares

He’ll also probably make fun of whatever/whoever is at the heart of the issue

The jokes have a range depending on how upset you are, if you’re feeling better he’ll probably be a little ruder/more open about his dislike

If you’re super upset, he’ll make fun of it in a more lighthearted way,, will probably also make the insulting parts of the joke more ridiculous so that you laugh

Definitely goes out of his way to try to make you laugh on his more understanding days

He’s also super touchy, will hold onto you in one way or another, usually won’t let go until way after you’ve calmed down

He says it’s just to be sure,, but you have a feeling he has some personal motivations

Now, on his less understanding days, Stu’s first instinct is to manipulate 

He sees how emotional you are as an opportunity to push you towards co-dependency,, so he’ll go out of his way to baby you

It’s generally nice,, he’s super attentive, but if you try to do anything for yourself while upset, he’ll be bothered

There is some intended manipulation there, but it’s also because he doesn’t know how to talk about his feelings, at least not without layers of innuendos and sarcastic quips to hide the actual feely stuff 

So all he has to show you that he does care, that you do matter even though he might not get why you’re upset, is his actions 

It’s a mix of what he’s picked up from media and the softer things he never had anyone do for him when he was a child 

So it does feel a little patronizing when he goes too far with it, especially because it’s rooted in things no one’s done for him so it’s not like he has a lot of experience/examples on how to do it “correctly”

It’d be a lot sweeter if you knew why he gets like that, but besides a few implied comments, I can’t see him directly admitting this 

Honestly, not always a “bad” thing,, it just has the ability to get a little volatile depending on how you’re feeling and how moody Stu is that day 

Also definitely tries to throw money at the problem, will offer to take you shopping as “his treat” while you’re emotional/crying bc that’s the only supportive model he’s seen 

that last post i just reblogged just reminded me about how my mom's cousin has been out and known to be gay for my whole life and altho no one in my family made a big deal about it they also never mentioned his dating life or that he had a partner and i only just found out that he got married to his long time partner as soon as it was legal in Wisconsin and i feel like this is a great example of how consevatives operate. they will treat people who they *already* consider to be "their people" with kindness and respect but they can still be deeply homophobic in their worldviews and attitude towards anyone who is not already in their social circle and also they just... dont talk about it because even tho they love and accept the individual person they are still uncomfortable with gayness as a concept.

anyway i was so angry when my mom mentioned that we should have arranged to stay with Craig and Mark on our roadtrip as tho I would already know who Mark is (Craig's husband) and as tho i didnt spend my whole life assuming that the only reason my family was ok with Craig was that he wasnt *acting* on his sexuality. that aassumption was incorrect but how was i to know any different when no one ever mentioned him actually doing gay things and dating men????

and then i also get so angry when i think about the fact that when I came out my mom tried to walk back her homophobia to just be about "concern for my well-being because being gay in this society is really hard" and like yeah! it was hard for me for a long time but ONLY BECAUSE OF HER!! literally the only person who made my life hard because I was gay was my mother! everyone outside of my family has been extremely supportive. ugh like yeah we are moving forward making progress fixing our relationship etc. but sometimes when I really think about these things and remember how it was and what happened i am still just so angry and i dont feel like she ever actually took responsibility for any of it.

Why You Should Vote for Hakupo

Hello. Good evening, morning, afternoon, brunch, sleepytime whatever time it is for you right now. I am here to sell my little autism creature to you. This is going to be a fairly long post so, just sit tight.

The second round of polls will not be out for a couple of hours. I wanted to reblog the post with this, BUT- I have class at 3 when the polls are released. Plus, gotta get those non Hakupo believers before they vote for anyone else, amirite?

Also the stickers used between catagories are the official line stickers by Pikomaru ➜ https://store.line.me/stickershop/product/3951590/en

Reminder; It's only Shinji sweep until its Hakupo sweep.

No, I'm not putting a section breaker because even if you don't read it, I want you to see the sheer size of this... It's an essay at this point. Let's get started shall we?

What is a Hakupo?

Hakupo Tsukishiro is a energetic and powerful masculine voicebank for Utau (and amadeusy but we dont talk abt brunnnoooo). He was released all the way back in 2010 and has had many important milestones in his 13 years of distribution. Four compilation albums, 7 voicebanks, 2,500+ fanarts (that i all have), and uses by really awesome people *points to the crowd*. That's all of you guys out there. <3

Hakupo as a character is inspired by moe, thanks Clarice. Like most moe characters, he's a bit air headed and happy go lucky person. His positive attitude is sometimes brought into original songs he's featured in, which just makes me smile- girlbosses love a good pick me up song.

Also he has a stupid little coat and pants. This is all you need to know to vote for Hakupo, but I will continue forward incase you are still on the fence.

Cool Hakupo Facts

He almost has the same exact suggested range as Miku (C3 to E5)... His is actually larger... he goes higher (C3 to G5).

The "Do Re Mi FâåÁaæ↓" incident of Christmas 2020, contact me I will elaborate further.

There is a little bit of an evil twin thing going on. Yeah. This is a win.

His genderbend design Kohaku is revealed when you turn down the brightness of his official reference sheet (he pulled a scott cawthon guys).

He hates to be called cute and have his head patted... which is cute.

Despite looks- His description says he has curly hair come on guys- LITTLE FLUFF.

By looking at his official Twitter bot, there's a few extra things we can learn about him. He is very stupid, very impatient, has a horrible sleep schedule, bad at multitasking, and can't stand still (I can elaborate more on these if asked).

I wrote a 43 page Utau cartoon pilot script with Hakupo as the main character. Shameless plug.

I also wrote my college admissions essay about Hakupo. Thanks for getting me into college Bobo!

Sick Bobo Uses

Get boboed.

What does Bobo mean to me?

I found Hakupo 7 years ago now, sitting in the middle of an Utau melody. I told myself I would just turn off my tablet and listen to the music. Yeah that worked- guess who was next after the screen turned off. BOBO! I needed to see the little creature creating this melody. I turned on the screen, and was not disappointed. Fancy twink in a oversized tailcoat with weird pants. I remember rambling to my mom later about how cool he was, why he was so unique, and why this one specifically caught my attention.

He's been my special interest since then, everyone around me knows Hakupo wheather they like it or not. He's about 80% of everything I draw, 50% of what I talk about, and 100% of my little creature I snuggle up with every night.

Literally.

I have a Hakupo bodypillow. Can't sleep without him.

Anyways, he's helped me find a lot of my best friends *coughcoughmeatcoughrevcough*, never fails to make me happy, and helped everyone around me realize I'm extremely autistic. The least I can do is write an ungodly long propaganda post while drinking my coffee at 9 am.

Stan Bobo Oobieero.

Hakupo Memes for Propaganda

GO VOTE FOR HAKUPO ON @utaupoll AT 3 PM EST

Thanks, have a nice day.

Same person again again, but my mother yells at me to be normal when I stim sometimes, like when I'm panickly scratching my arm, shaking my hand or drumming on my arm. Sometimes it's even when I'm not, like shaking off rain, they just think it's stimming.

when my little sister rocks my mom said shit like "shes rocking like a mad woman" idk if she ever SAYS we look crazy specifically, but the implication is very much there. if i stim too hard she'd give me weird looks and be like "what are you doing??"

speaking of parents yelling at you about things you are not doing- this reminds me of how when i was younger i'd put my hands in my pockets becuase my pants usually didnt fit me, and that was a good way to get them to not fall down. my dad noticed this and got me a belt and basically DEMANDED that i stop doing that, cut to like 20 minutes later i was leaning against the piano with my hands in my pockets and he looked at me and got really, REALLY mad. then he like grabbed my entire fucking waist (i was like 9 or under at this point, still a very small child) and was like "WHAT DID I SAY?!" and i was soo confused and scared. he pulled up my shirt to see if i was wearing a belt too it was weird as fuck and hella invasive.

well it turns out he thought that cause i had my hands in my pockets, i hadn't listened to him and was trying to keep my pants from falling down. he backed off really quickly once he realized i wasn't doing that but it was weird and scary and abrupt, and i still remember how scared i was when his hands grabbed me around my waist. it was uncomfortably rough. he just laughed it off.

ANYWAY. i dont like that.

spell homestuck

GOD. THIS IS SO MUCH LONGER THAN TWO FACE. i typed too much and theres too many qs so under the cut it goes

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or....... i guess comics, these days, but i HATE READING COMICS they juST HAVE MORE COMPELLING FANDOMS. book fandoms are PUNY nad everyone is STUPID. youd think actual literary fandoms would have reading comprehension and understanding of literary critique but no!!!!!!!!!!!!! its literally my eternal fuckign struggle. somehow comic fandoms hit the perfect medium between compelling, readable content and the enthusiasm of cartoon fans without the childishness of cartoon fans

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

this isnt really a thing i do. the only time i associate characters w songs is my own ocs. barbies theme is miltons tower from the what remains of edith finch soundtrack!

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

i have also never really been one to project myself into stories. its just not how i consume media. i think sollux and rose already closely resemble the kinds of friends i make, so maybe them?

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

(freddy fazbear vc) vanessa.... ive done things, im not proud of.

i dont even know if i want to answer this question bc its so fucking humiliating LKJSNDLFSDNFSDF the truth is yes. i am solely responsible for. a lot. particularly in the pjo fandom. i created several crackships ground up all on my own way back in 2014 and developed a following for them and i. dont wantto tell you what those ships were. LSKJDFNSLDJNSDFSDDF ive also pioneered many ship tags for other fandoms and i ship a lot of rarepairs and stuff but i dont think im RESPONSIBLE for them?? in that some ppl already were into them/talking abotu them or tht theyre still not popular (augh. to the ones that became popular) but i AM liTERALLY responsible for some crack shit in the pjo fandom and its. it haunts me sometimes. i dont want to talk about it. IF YOU REMEMBER WHAT I DID NO YOU DONT

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

this is so vague. my headcanons are shifting and nebulous and aus are my constant companion in everything, but uhhhhhhghhusjkdjnsdg i think. roxy writes the same way dave draws comics. its extremely memey and meta and self aware and largely just for the personal lolz, and were all doing her a disservice by pretending her writing looks like roses, when in reality dirk is probably the one whod make comics the way rose makes books (which is probably why he doesnt make comics). its more of that thing where roxy and dave are the same and rose and dirk are the same ykwim. well YOU dont corvus but im sure someone else does

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

jason takes after bruce in terms of like. adopting entirely too many kids. he broods

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

harvey is a heartwrenching character when written well, with a complicated view of morality, heartbreaking ties to our main hero, and a lot of internal conflict. something about such a hopeful character deadset on making a different in the system becoming a victim of it, and the potential he has as a vehicle for critiquing the law.

percy is my favorite character from pjo bc it was the very first time in my life i ever read a book and saw myself in it. hes aggressive, impulsive, and rebellious, he fidgets and has a hard time standing still, he acts on emotion without always thinking it through, he gets in trouble in school and hands his mom a murder weapon to kill his stepdad, hes just... hes a lot of the things ive always gotten in trouble for, things i couldnt help being, and hes a hero. he means everything to me.

vriska, i will maintain until the day i die, is one of the best homestuck characters- maybe just characters?- ever written. shes dramatic, shes impulsive, shes manipulative and mean and creative, and shes just so messy about it. shes a mean girl in a way that feels real, where her trauma impacts and shapes her as a person, and shes complex, with warring wants, and people she cares about, and dreams, and shes so messy. shes rough and rude and shes doing what SHE wants to, being a version of herself that feels right to HER, rather than some caricature of the hot badass evil lady. shes thirteen!! and she FEELS thirteen. shes a thirteen year old weird girl who is kind of an asshole, and she means literally fucking everything to me. shes a pirate!!!!! shes a swashbuckling badass dressing up in her larping outfit and yelling at her friends on the playground to swab the deck and she is the bestest ever, the end.

i didnt mean for each one of these to be longer than the last but here we are.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

i hate jdedave peace and love it just feels weird as hell to me. dave, for the most part, is hyper respectful of other peoples choices and boundaries but when it comes to jade hes always trying to mke choices for her, to protect her, and it gets to the point where even jade points out how much it bugs her. jades crush on dave also seems to come from a place of misunderstanding to me, admiring a lot of the parts of himself that he exaggerates and pretends to care about as a result of trauma. it always felt like a kid crush that they shouldve grown out of with time. dave also just sort of seems to... go along with whatever romantic relationships people push him into at that age, rolling with whoever flirts with him jsut bc hes trying to maintain the image of a player, so its really hard to take him seriously any time he hits on someone?

that is just my interpretation of it tho

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

well. i havent finished my reread of homestuck, so that feels difficult to comment on just yet, bc im sure ill have a different opinion when i do finish it. no one in dc gets character arc bc theyre all just undone immediately, so thats like. yeah. and in pjo the arcs are pretty weak bc 1) kids books and 2) RICK UNDOES THEM ALL. AUGH. regardless of all of this, i am going to say jason grace. he had a lot of development in like the last two hoo books, or maybe just like.... hints of how he couldve developed? promise? which rick immediately set fire to in toa when he killed him, but fUCKING WHATEVER. UGH.

anyway actually tho eleanor from the good place. bisexual icon. queen. probably one of the best character arcs of all time. the episode w her mom has some of the most powerful fucking dialogue ever and i think about it. all the time. i should rewatch the good place.....

i dont normally talk too much about my personal life on here apart from in the tags but today has brought me a lot of hope and i just kinda wanna share it

so im not close to my dads side of the family. i dont speak to him because he was an abusive fuckhead, and when i stopped talking to him, it basically broke my connection to the rest of them. i havent spoken to most of them in over seven years.

about a month ago, my aunt died. me, my brother and mom were iffy about whether wed be welcome at the funeral and wake because she was my dads sister.

i was also a bit iffy about going because in that seven years, ive come out as trans. and so everyone at that funeral know me as my deadname. they remember me as a little girl, and it does not help that i do not pass at all. i dont look like a dude at all.

and a lot of that family are middle aged and up, and the uk has a lot of transphobia, so logically, i assumed that thered be at least one transphobe there. so ive spent the past few weeks trying to prepare myself to be misgendered and insulted.

but that didnt happen.

everyone, including people ive never met, called me kai and used the correct pronouns. no one made any comments or asked any stupid questions; they just accepted me and got on with it. the most i got was my uncle asking how to pronounce kai.

the only transphobia came from my dad because again, fuckhead. i was prepared for it and honestly i didnt even care myself, but everyone else did.

every time he misgendered me or called me by my deadname, he was corrected almost entirely by people who werent me.

and everyone who did was angry, and they were angry for me.

and im fucking crying as i type this because i feel so loved and supported and cared for. i spent weeks preparing to shrug off the bigotry, grit my teeth and get through it. and instead, people i havent spoken to in years stood beside me and supported me. they didnt let my dad get away with misgendering me even though i was willing to myself. and i dont even know how to articulate just how much that means to me.

i think sometimes we all need a reminder that there are good people in this world and that the world isnt a cold uncaring place, and this was it for me.

cant talk to anyone irl about this so here i am lol. my mom used to make comments about my body, and how id be so much pretty if i lost some weight (when her comments started getting to me i looked up my bmi (ik bmi isnt the best assessment of weight/ health) to see if i was really that bad and i was normal leaning underweight) that kinda helped me, and i felt better for a while, and her comments on my body stopped (but her comments on her own never did) but i guess in quarantine it got to me more than i thought lol i started browsing the ed side of tumblr and downloaded a calorie tracking app, for two weeks i ate less than it recommended (im an overachiever lol) but i didn't lose any weight (technically i did but it wasn't visible so it doesn't really count lol) but the whole time i was terrified of depriving my body of fuel, accidentally starving myself, and overall doing more harm than good(which is why i refused to purge or fast) so i deleted the app and stopped. this was one or two years ago, so i thought it was over it, but lately the little nagging voice thats been telling me how much better id look and feel if i lost weight is getting louder (and more convincing). i want to lose weight but I don't want to do it unhealthy/obsessively or spiral out of control. any advice? (i dont think i had an ed, just an unhealthy relationship (ig fear would be more accurate lol) w/ calories/food in general)

Hi love,

Thank you for opening up and sharing this information with me. I know it can be hard to feel like you’re going through this alone, so I want to ensure you that we are always here to listen.

I first want to start by saying that it is never acceptable for someone to make disparaging comments about your body, even if it is someone in your family. It looks like you mentioned your mother has also made comments about her own body and appearance, so you may or may not be aware of the idea of projection. If you’re not familiar with this idea then a basic explanation is when someone unconsciously transfers their own feelings or emotions onto someone else. From what you’ve described, it seems that your mother is placing her own insecurities and negative body image on you, which has left you feeling self-conscious about your own body. Remember that her comments are not a reflection of your worth or value as a person.

It’s more than understandable that the cumulative stress of quarantine and the comments from your mother have led you down this path of an unhealthy relationship with body image and food, but know that there are ways to move forward. It’s also not uncommon for these thoughts from the past to resurface. Just know that these are just thoughts, and thoughts don’t always have to be acted on.

One way to cope with these thoughts is to practice self-compassion. Reminding yourself that you’re valuable and deserving of love and respect can help you counteract the negative self-talk and build a more positive relationship with your body and self-image. Body neutrality is another idea sort of related to this. Body neutrality is the idea of accepting your body as it is, without judgment or attachment to your appearance. By focusing on how your body feels rather than how it looks, you can develop a more mindful and intuitive approach to eating and exercise.

This article provides practical tips and strategies for practicing self-compassion, which can help reduce self-criticism and promote self-acceptance: https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/.

Sometimes practicing body positivity can be really hard, especially when you feel like you don’t have the most positive mindset right now. Try reading this article to understand more about body neutrality. It provides a few practical ways for incorporating this idea into your life: https://tinyurl.com/52z8t7j4.

It’s great that you’re trying to refocus these negative thoughts into bettering yourself in a healthy way. I can give you a few tips on how to start. First, try to challenge these thoughts by not focusing on weight or a number on a scale. Remind yourself of all the positive things about your body. Focus on your overall health and nourish your body with balanced meals and physical activity.

Second, you can try surrounding yourself with positive influences and friends that can encourage you to make healthy choices. Have you ever sought therapy to help you work through these negative voices/thoughts? A therapist or counselor can help you to develop coping strategies and build self-confidence. If a therapist isn't financially viable for you, Asking Jude has pay-what-you-want, remote peer counseling services; for more information, contact [email protected].

Don’t feel pressured to get over these thoughts in a set amount of time. Be patient with yourself and remember it’s possible to build a healthy relationship with your body.

Here you’ll find guidance on how to navigate weight loss after experiencing disordered eating, including tips on developing a healthy mindset and setting realistic goals: https://tinyurl.com/2x9zh69b.

"Healthy Eating Plate," created by Harvard University, provides practical advice and a visual guide for individuals to adopt a healthier and balanced diet: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthy-eating-plate/.

If you’d like to develop a healthy exercise routine, try reading this article that provides practical tips for recognizing and managing triggers, choosing the right exercise environment and equipment, and seeking social support: https://tinyurl.com/3vtmcnkw.

Finally, if you ever need to talk to anyone, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Here is the link to a national toll-free helpline, online chat support, and phone number: https://tinyurl.com/2z4ydwbc.

Please take care of yourself and always be patient. Feel free to reach out again if you need to.

We’ll be happy to help, Mikayla

It really sucks bc I’ve had this sneaking suspicion since my early adolescence that I was molested by a preschool teacher. I have no actual memory but just a combination of UTIs + sadomasochistic behavior + nightmares + hypersexuality later made me suspect. But like. It could have been from everyone and their mom in my Balkan family constantly groping me :/ like it’s already blurry in my head this is just confusing me even more but at the same time I’m not sure I wanna know

thank u for sending this, i know its hard to even write this shit out sometimes. im sorry you went through any of this. yea, i went through a long period of not being sure what the hell happened if anything at all too. i still do at times. all the same symptoms + i also thought for a long time that maybe it was from all of,, the other stuff instead of anything else. its rly hard to try to make sense of it all, especially at those ages, and tbh yea, all those symptoms could v well just appear from the general family shit, especially depending on the severity of what was allowed and starting/ending when

... i think its fair to not want to know. i think its rly fair and normal to b either entirely opposed to knowing or just anxious and adverse sbt it. missing as well as blurry memories at those ages can v well be just normal, theres plenty of things ppl start to usually forget, but,, they can also be a sign of your brain trying to protect you from shit it deemed too hard/too much/too distressing to handle.. and that's,.. fair. thats a survival adaptation.

when you go knocking on the locked doors in your mind its often far from a pleasant time.. and tbh shit tends to get worse before it gets any better. On the other hand this is just. personal philosophy/conclusion; i think... the only .. way to Really truly deal things - the issues themselves not just the symptoms caused by the issues - is to face them. must go through the eye of the needle sort of thing. this is how ive dealt w recovering from bpd, ana&mia, and ptsd shit and generally got myself to b a lot more sane, after a period of time in which it drove me more insane. this is what psychedelics reinforced in me anyway.... i dont recommend going poking around in your brain too much if youre not in a remotely stable and safe environment,,, i did that, not the best time

poking around and trying to figure this sort of shit out can often turn into a whole spiral. be gentle with yourself, dont try to rush yourself into wanting answers, and take care of yourself. sometimes it is best to let your brain let you know about things when it deems the time is right, rather than trying to tear down every door

but,.. . something that my ex whose also been through some pretty severe shit said to me when i was falling down a "is this real?" hole: you kinda just.. you feel it. somewhere if youre being real serious with yourself, deep deep down inside you know if you know. we never really forget things. somewhere, they are ingrained in us, our bodies remember even if we dont.... and, tbh, the other thing is. people see it on you. like, recognition of the self through the other sort of thing. something that always got to me before i actually rly idk accepted a lot of things is how much i related to ppl who have also gone through that sort of stuff. could just b the family shit but also 🤷‍♀️ . even if it isnt i guess the question would be, what is the drive behind your suspicion. why there. why that teacher or why a teacher. why that time and place. does it remind you of something else or another time?. and on the flip side.. something else that ive learned is that. predators see it on you? they truly do. i remember when i was questioning shit id tell myself, well, both of these things cant be true right??? thats ridiculous, who has that sort of luck to not only deal with this weird af normalized family shit + other stuff?? i must just b exaggerating things.... except in reality, most predators can tell which victims are vulnerable and they can most often tell which kids have some sort of history of sexual trauma. once it happenes, its actually statistically more likely that it will happen again...... which really fucking sucks

idk, i hope any of this made sense i probably went on for too long but. im rly sorry again u went through any of this im v much sending u a virtual hug. i rly do get the frustration and confusion and... all of it. im sorry but also, thank you for sending me this bc its... both horrible and comforting at the same time to know someone else has felt this same mess. i hope youre going to find some consolation and peace and healing soon <3 <3

Can't help but be also thinking of Lewis now, with the Seb news.

I'm so heartbroken, and mostly for him.

Seb always felt like Lewis' biggest ally, the one he respected and quite frankly liked the most, the one he felt most comfortable around and the one he could trust to fight the important fights alongside with. Seb took the knee with him, next to him, and for him. Spoke up and made statements when it counted, just as Lewis and together with Lewis. Stood up for Lewis, too.

To think about how long they've known each other now, how long they've been on this journey together and have grown towards each other... the emotional impact this loss must have on Lewis is nothing compared to what we feel and what we feel is already immense sadness and wistfulnes, next to so much pride and the realisation to have witnessed something truly grateful and special that's now coming to an end. :(

Hi anon 😿💜

I think.. i dont know what to think. I think that this was probably the best decision seb couldve taken for himself. And im sure he talked to lewis about it too. And i.. i dont know. It feels like a very big loss for the whole sport. And it also feels like knowing yourself. And it feels like choosing your battles. And it hurts and it feels monumental.

Im gonna get a bit personal here, and dramatic probably. I was in this med school commune/society when i was in med school. And we all had this community friendship thing going on. And most of my friends were older than me. And inevitably, we all did our own things and moved on. I quit med school and moved away. And it hurt. I didnt see my friends anymore, since im living in a different country. And we arw still in contact, but everyone has their own lives, kids, work, school. And its hard still, sometimes, when i remember the easy companionship of going to this place and knowing someone will always be there. But we all had to move on, and it hurt, especially with this one friend of mine.

And then things like this happen - my friend's kids butt dial me and i call him and we talk for an hour about nothing and everything after not speaking for a year; my mom gets sick and i call my friend and he gives me info about the doctor who's gonna operate on her; i have an unconfirmed diagnosis and nobody wants to tell me outright until the tests come back and i call him and he tells me "yes aki, its ms", because he never lies to me and knows i need to hear it; i get random pictures of his kids doing silly stuff because it reminds him of me after months of no contact; i send him silly lotr themed msgs for holidays; he calls me up when im back and i rush to the hospital (i live across from it) so we can get coffee at the hospital cafe on his break; i ask him most idiotic questions abt medical impossibilities and he just sends me "are you writing your gay porn again"; he texts me that his daughter reminds him of me with how stubborn she is.

so i kinda choose to believe its going to be like that, because you dont stop loving someone just because life happens to take you away to a different road. 💜💚

RE: Number asks--4, 7, 8, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 30, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, and 44. (Apologies in advance for the interview dump--and feel free to ask any back to me that you want! XD)

sorry this took a bit! my computer's been crap the last couple of days and answering this on mobile was a no-go :^) (if i already answers some, then i didn't re-answer them here!)

i am putting this under a readmore cause it's a little long, and there is a potentially triggering answer (with TWs on it)

4:Do you drink? - sometimes! not very often tbh, and when i do it's USUALLY just one drink tops

8:Want any tattoos? - YES!! the best tattoo idea i've ever had and desperately want is a tattoo of a grape on my finger tip so that when my fingers prune it becomes a raisin :))

but also i want this symbol tattood on in honor of alex <3:

but also also.... i want a bunch more too :) i want to get a cool sleeve tattoo that travels over my back and down the other arm

10:Want any piercings? - not really, i'm not big on wearing jewelry and the piercings i do have are empty for most of the year

14:Biggest turn offs - physical intimacy that isn't initiated by me. mansplainers. i dont really knwo what else to put here bc i don't necessarily even get turned on LMAO

16:I’ll love you if - this is a hard one because i already love everybody, i love all my little friends and followers here on tumblr dot com

18:Most traumatic experience - (TW: suicidal thoughts (not mine), knives) once when I was younger, i was home with just my older brother and my mom. out of nowhere my mom starts yelling and crying and me and my brother rush over to her and she's so obviously in pain and she's yelling about how her head feels like it wants to explode. (found out later she was having a really terrible migraine). my brother was trying to calm her down and we were trying to figure out what to do. i remember her saying, very clearly, that she wanted to take a knife and stick it through her ears to get the pain to stop. that she wanted to die because it hurt so bad. my brother kept an eye on her while he called our neighbors to come help. i went and took all of our steak knives and hid them. just in case we couldn't stop her. i was just a kid. i didn't know what else to do. but after so many years, that situation has stuck in my head, and it makes me extremely afraid of other people in pain. my mom's had a lot of health issues over the years and there have been times that she's in intense pain and i've always just froze up. and i would try to prepare myself to hold her down if i had to, like my brother was prepared to do back then. and sometimes i would wonder if i need to hide the knives again. (it never got so bad again, though, thankfully)

20:What I hate most about myself - i have a tendency to self-isolate when i'm feeling down or anxious and that only makes me feel WORSE and i hate it so much. im working on getting thru that tho

22:What I want to be when I get older - an artist and writer :) BUT!! also would be very interested in being an anthropologist still, too

24:My relationship with my parent(s) - strained a lot of the time, but it does a lot better when we're not living under the same roof. i love my parents, but they have a lot of room to improve, and i don't think they will. they love me, too, and they've helped me out a lot when shit has fallen apart, which i'm endlessly thankful for. but i don't know if they would love all of me if i came out which strains the relationship on my side which frustrates them and it's just. woof. we have stuff to work through lol but i'm not ready yet.

26:My biggest pet peeves - self deprecation as a form of humor, and refusing to take care of your body's basic needs even with a reminder to do so. neither one is funny or cute or quirky. it's annoying as shit. when my friends do it i want to throttle them (with love)

28:A description of the person I dislike the most - genuinely cannot think of a person i dislike the most

30:What I hate the most about work/school - i am taken advantage of because i'm a good worker and im a doormat so they just keep getting away with it >:(

32:What words upset me the most - when other people call me stupid or dumb or otherwise imply i'm not smart. when people try to control and box me in re: my sexuality as if they have any authority on that.

34:What I find attractive in women - everything :)

36:Where I would like to live - denver colorado! or really any place with mountains that gets relatively cold

38:My childhood career choice - volcanologist! (still kinda want that tbh) and firefighter, like my dad.

40:Who I wish I could be - i'm pretty happy being myself tbh

42:The last thing I ate - strawberry toaster strudels for breakfast

44:A random fact about anything - the plural of the word "beef" is "beeves"

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

Hell yeah! Mood every time i go to a beach i always miss her after. I will keep my fingers crossed for your return on another trip. Oh those are all so good. Im especially a fan of churros & empanadas. I should get paella again sometime. That is a very mismatched group but i respect the vibe based friendship. Also reminds me i should get back to finishing mag archives thats a good podcast. Also been meaning to look into goth music to see what thats all about. The peak goal of adhd people. To rember. High luck stat to not be attacked by gulls. I think i got a tad bit there too because ive never been attacked by them but like. You can see the simple minded desire in their eyes. Especially if you have food. Damn best of luck to her. Thats like people tellin me they moved to florida, where the gators climb over fences often. Group chat for geo teacher fans that is amazing. Love that for yall. Oh there's one thing xabi & i share as i too do not know whats goin on so often. Thanks! I only hope i have enough but i think sw is in the back half so i can save even more pulls than i have. Probably will have to pass her light cone up like i did for seele's til next time. Meta can leave i dont care for it i use who i want when i want this is an anti meta zone. Oh? Im not sure. What to ask about them. Like i wanna know more of their role in the story of honkai i guess. What happens to them & all that. Welt seems to have history with otto/luocha. & himeko is my coffee lovin mom character i like her a lot. We love a girl who keeps complex machinery like the express working. Skirk showed up so briefly at the end of the archon quest but damn if it wasnt funny. Yeeting childe out of the abyss & just lore dropping on us all. I think i saw you played the story quest & learned about furina? I think it was uh. Durandal's jp va that she shared with skirk i cant remember cant wait to see if she becomes playable though. Oh damn really? The range is insane indeed what a queen. Oooh congrats! I also got her & had enough for her weapon next is navia but i might only have enough for her & try for her weapon later. Since arlecchino is a few updates out. Im not yet at a world level where relics matter but same. Not the best luck on that yet. 7 am exam? That should be illegal but i wish you luck on your studies. Especially with feelin a bit sick trying to study while sick is awful. Ooooh nice! Such a fun & good series. I just got the fifth volume last week & finally had time to finish it. Quickly became a favorite for me. Now if only i had time to read everything else im behind on.

FOR REAL FOR REAL ive never been much of a sea person but ahh this is such a universal experience... and thankies!!! while i could never Live in spain permanently [hot and everyone tries to talk to you] i did end up becoming quite fond of the country. GOD YEAH CHURROS ARE SOO GOOD generally speaking i like ALL spanish food. banger after banger after banger. need to learn how to cook some because i miss it so bad. but i DID manage to not fuck up scrambled eggs when i made them for the first time ever recently so thats a good sign for my culinary abilities id say. anyway IT IS AJDKKFJF but i vibe with them so its chill. ah nice!! im terrible with podcasts [can never quite concentrate on them.....] but i wanna listen to it Someday since i heard only good things ab it. also good luck luck with that!! i like goth music as in i think its Good and i generally enjoy it if i happen to hear it but its also sth i just Do Not listen to in my free time. i respect it tho. coming back YEAH AJSKDKFK I WAS JUST. observing the gulls the whole time but surprisingly nobody from my class was attacked ajdjfkgjs. and ill pass on the message when i talk to her next time AJKSLJFJG i really Do wonder what even prompted her moving there sometimes. i believe it was her boyfriend but also she changes those as often as clothes so she must Really like this guy, i guess. good for her tho shes my coolest sibling. and thanks SHJDKFKA were really devoted to her. also ive been accused of simping for her by the ice skater which is extremely funny because this is not even the first time ive been accused of being into a 30-40 y/o woman by someone at school [ITS ALL CHILL BTW its just for the shits. still. attacked and slandered!]. and same ajdkfjgj tho in his role its actually Quite Annoying for my class since like. we NEED to get things done sometimes and he just. does not do that. like literally our english teacher [who also looks like shes constantly dead inside and hates her job but we love her] did more to help us with this one thing than he did even tho she did not have to do that in any capacity. shes just epic. AHH GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!! i love ignoring meta sooooo much which might sound weird from someone who spends half his life grinding for stuff in honkai but its true. honkai is literally the only game where i care about meta and thats bc honkai meta is UNFORGIVING. but hey at least the gacha is much better with the 100 pulls guarantee for each char + 50 pull guarantee for gear pieces. IM NOT VERY GOOD WITH OTTO LORE TO BE ENTIRELY HONEST as in i know quite a lot of it but it hasnt quite Clicked in my head BUT IM ALWAYS HAPPY TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS AB THEM YOU MAY HAVE [<- GUY WHO IS SOO SO NORMAL]. AND YEAH SKIRK IS SO FUCKIGN FUNNY TO ME like the way she was previously described painted her as just so strong and intimidating but her speech pattern is so funny to me shes so chill. i feel like i could meet her smoking her evening cig and shed tell me where to pirate shit. id do a polish joke here but it is literally untranslatable without a 30 minute long backstory so nevermind. AND OOOOOH EPIC ALSO RIGHT?????? i respect voice actors above anyone else. ahh good luck getting navia!!!!!! i was Planning to pull for her but im much less efficient at grinding rn since i got a screentime limit due to having fucked up eyes [which im Not following btw but i am trying to touch grass a little bit more at least] [this is also the reason why i responded so late im sorry the change kinda threw me out of the loop]. ah understandable i was. well not Very high but enough to have trouble without decent gear so yeah. good luck in the future farming tho!! AND RIGHT I AGREE tho honestly the alternative would be an exam at like FOUR PM which is actually Worse imo. i personally function pretty well during my 7am classes and learned to enjoy them [public transport is very charming early in the morning..... i get to catch the sunrise sometimes] but that is also because i live like maybe 40 minutes away from my school. so i get up at around 6 am to get to school.

[ignore the random paragraph break i hit the character limit JSJFIGKJSWIJF] some of my classmates, however, have to get up at 4 am which. respect i could never. anyway thanks!!! the exam went quite well actually hehehe im doing much better in history than i thought. im becoming a nerd along with my entire friend group. every single day someone has new historical memes to share and theres already some inside jokes as well. fun. AND AHHHHHH THATS SO EPIC!!!!!!! i love this series sososoososooso much even tho i didnt have time to start the 3rd volume yet... however i DID read a translation of the "she's so cheeky for a commoner!" web novels and im about to read the light novel so im quite excited for that. first and only loretta and pipi fan ever.....

Ranty text block: Another scene i remembered from rereading corrupt and punk57: ryen describing rika's clothes at their condo building(?) that led to me thinking, "why do people always put rika edits in the best, sexiest and prettiest clothes? Because as much as this girl was said to be "pretty", her fashion style was ugly as a rat, like shitty af. She always looks like a 33 years old extremely rich suburban mom who got no taste in fashion and wore dull ass colours but still everything is designer thing" Like that was my first thought every time i saw Rika edits, and how i remember her in books. I almost confuse her with em's high school no-choice aesthetic because of how bad pd tried to make rika look "not other rich girls" by not dressing up much and kept on going with the narrative of "oh alex looks hot, but me (rika)? Ew" 🙄 im sick of stories like this because it reminds me of Rubi (a telenovela) where Rubi's hot rich girl friend kept on complaining about her looks, and was jealous of rubi (similar to alex's style here) when that girl friend can literally hire someone to style her, or build up her confidence and wear something even sexier or hotter than rubi (alex) because they got all the money that rubi (alex) never had. But nooooooo they had to wear ugly ass outfits 😭 i hate it here. Aside from that, i can totally see Winter and Banks rocking hot and pretty designer wears, because all thats left for winter was for someone to doll her up and banks to feel safe in her feminity and trying out more quality clothings, but Rika??? That girl really needs some personal stylist because why was she be making so much money and still be dressing like that? 😭 i genuinely hate it!!! This is a rich people story, why was she looking raggedy?? She could literally be cute and hot with her style, but noooo her outfits always gotta be ratty af, even elon musk has got more style than her and it's saying something because elon's outfits WERE.NOT.IT. I cant imagine how yikes rika looks every time she wore outfits that dont match her luxurious cars (especially before she met alex, and sometimes, even after, case in point, that punk57 scene), and readers supposed to look at rika and be like "wow, fashionista!" when she never really gave us anything to fawn over for?!! Her fashion is as dull as her personality, and she had no valid excuses for it because all her life, she was always sureounded by beauty and luxury. Emmy had excuses bcause of her lacking money & at home situation etc., but rika? It couldnt happen Only for two reasons being one, she didnt want to be called a slut or looked down by her society, or two, because trevor that scum kept on harrassing her on what she should do, and because she was a pushover, it was har to not push him away, BUT! BUT! but even then, there's so many hot, cute, pretty or beautiful modest fashion??? Modest fashion is one of THE most popular style for rich people because they associate modesty = being classy, so i still dont understand why rika was raggedy. Idk this really irks me. I'll let you know if i have more irk-inducing things from DN. Though i don't think i have the energy to shit on killswitch because that book was exhausting 😭 damon torrance was exhausting, i pray for winter, every five seconds to get away from him.

Out of all the character’s, Rika’s style has struck me as the oddest. I can only recall two specific moments that made me question things.

One was when she was getting ready for school and she wore like boots, a sweater, and a scarf. Which, knowing it’s October and is probably a bit chilly, isn’t all that odd but I felt weird to layout her outfit like that.

The other was in Hideaway when she shows up for the sleepover and she’s wearing an avocado shirt and matching shorts, while everyone else was in sexy wear. It felt very “I’m main character/not like other girls” energy. And Michael comments that his mom bought those for her and he can’t believe she still has them, like it’s so cute. I couldn’t shake the idea that PD saw these PJs in rl and thought they were cute, so immediately wanted to put Rika in them because Rika’s soooo quirky like that.

I tend to let it go a bit in Corrupt, because I thought some of Rika’s storyline and character development was getting away from people that controlled her.

Her fashion style was ugly as a rat, like shitty af. She always looks like a 33 years old extremely rich suburban mom who got no taste in fashion

Remember in the first scene when she’s racing back to the Crists’ and Michael’s mom as laid out a white dress for her to wear. Rika isn’t that excited for it?

It feels like Rika dresses like a 33-year-old woman with no taste because she’s being dressed by a woman in her 40s who thinks this is what a young lady of a respectable class who is going to marry her son would wear. And Rika specifically indicates that it’s not her style as a 19-year-old who wants her independence. So, I can let it go.

Meeting Alex, who is the same age as her, was probably an eye opener for how someone who decides how they present themselves could dress. It is no excuse for the rest of the series, but like I said, I never paid attention to Rika’s style. I never saw her as a “fashionista” and in fact, if any of the characters were, I’d say it was Alex.

Rika could have afforded a personal shopper or a stylist, but I think after breaking away from the Crists’ control and Michael wanting whatever she wanted, it meant she dressed however she wanted without thinking “is this fashionable?” Which is fine. I don’t really care, and I don’t have a fashionable bone in my body. I can’t expect rich people to have it just because they have money, and I wouldn’t expect all people in their 20s to care. Fashion and being stylish is such a person-to-person thing, so I guess it never really mattered to me.

It couldnt happen Only for two reasons being one, she didnt want to be called a slut or looked down by her society, or two, because trevor that scum kept on harrassing her on what she should do, and because she was a pushover, it was har to not push him away,

The slut shaming and Trevor were most definitely factors in how Rika dressed in her teenage years. Probably past down from Trevor’s mom, like I said before, the idea of this is how a young lady dresses.

So maybe like with Em, the rejection of clean, modest style to a slouchier style was a way of rebellion for Rika? I don’t know.

Thanks for the rant. It was fun to read about something that I didn’t notice. Since we’ve been talking about style recently (or me and other anons), maybe it’ll be fun to go through and explain how I do picture the girl’s style like how I did with Em. You guys can offer your thoughts and HCs as well! Maybe we’ll come to a consensus.

2023/02/02

Skin Picking

Havent been on here a while since ive been picking so little, its hard to remember to post! Ill take that as a partial win. But anyway, can you guess why im back? Yep, its day 0 again. And surprise surprise, my skin is bumpy and red again. When i was still on my streak, its amazing, i could use however much lotion i wanted and not breakout. It truly wasnt any products, it was just me touching my face all the time. I still got blackheads, but they were so hard to see because they werent red. I was disappointed to to figure out that acne pads arent enough to get rid of blackheads. I think i have to at least scratch off the top layer? I dont know. Grr! Honestly tho when blackheads arent angry i find i dont mind them much. Hardly at all, actually.

Hair

Great. Still so short! I still look like a fairy pixie, but sometimes by nightfall i just look like an oily unkempt person, and its not because of sebum. Just something about the uneven ends and the short length. Tempted to get it cut, but theres not really any good options? Cutting off and inch would probably dramatically decrease the frazzledness, but not comletely eliminate it, *and* it would be an inch shorter. I only have four inches! I wish i kept more track of how fast my hair grows. Ive heard half an inch is average. See heres the thing people dont think about when trimming hair—its inherently temporary. If you trim half an inch, thats one months worth of growth. By the end of the next month, you'll have grown another half inch. But, the growth will be uneven. So youre back to where youve started, right? No wonder it felt like i could not grow my hair out past a certain amount once my mom started making me get "the split ends cut off". Itll probably all be worth it when it gets long. Unkempt but cool & cute wild animal [insert pic of Power]. That said, i do wonder how long itd need to be to get the dorky but clean Queen's Gambit haircut…

Diet

Still doing Weight Watchers. I hecked up this week, ate under. Ended up binging last night. But it was the first time in a long while, so im proud of what ive accomplished. Silver lining, i mean. It was a very sucky experience being that full. Painful, even. But ive recovered! And im gonna be more liberal with my points earlier in the day. No point in being cautious if i can always eat 0-point foods at the end of the day, and it becomes an imperative to not if im regularly hitting the end of the day with spare points. It was a bit of a successful experiment, because i wanted to see if me eating under naturally would hurt me later, and, well… But im a little worried, because me eating whatever and "lots" this morning has only led to a normal breatfast of ten points. And ive been eating until about an hour ago, so i may not be hungry for a timely lunch. :( But i am feeling peckish for a sub, so maybe soon ill order one and not shy away from the sauce. My point target isnt a minimum, its a, well, *target*! Wow! What a riddle!

Mood

Ive been on edge this week, after a week of feeling phenomenally well. I blamed it on work, but, maybe it was my eating? Or its a factor? Hard to say. I do have quite a few things started that i havent finished, and i think those are hanging on my mind; go long enough and it become tiring but you forget why. Its a hypothesis. Other than that, its been a great week. Started a cool playthru with some friends (and its a japanese project too), checked out warhammer for the first time and had a blast, study group has been great, i got back into DDR, and might go with a cool girl this weekend, i drew for the first time in forever and it turned out great (oh man i love my apple pencil). Fruitful month, january was. I might just need to remind myself to and practice relaxing. Worked for my sleep!