the only time today i manage to let out a genuine smile is while watching return frank doing a silly little dance while onstage during vampire money <333 dilfs are the only things protecting this country

my ability to simply ignore things should be rewarded and is also very concerning

You are genuinely such a disgusting and repulsive person for comparing people with a mental illness they cant control with literal pedophiles. Stay away from people with ocd forever you're fucking sickening and saying evil shit like that can get someone killed someday. You are pure evil and you dont fucking care about disabled people if you compare them to self admitted pedophiles for being mentally ill

Oh my friend, I hope one day you see that MAPs are human like the rest of us and not inherently abusers. I hope one day you see that they too cannot control what they are experiencing, but they can control whether they abuse or not. Because they are people just like you and me, who are capable of deciding right from wrong, and making choices about their own actions.

Belief in anything otherwise is ableist and abuse apologia. It essentially boils down to thinking that your thoughts and feelings determine your morality, which you'd think you'd understand as wrong if you support people with intrusive experiences (like myself, pedophilic ones included). Believing MAPs are inherently abusive gives way to believing abuse is inevitable, that abusers abuse because they're "just like that" and couldnt help themselves. It removes blame and responsibility; abuse is a choice. Uncontrollable thoughts and feelings and fantasies are not - which, btw, intrusions can be more than just thoughts.

But I know you don't care about a single word I just say beyond it only enraging you more, only solidifying the fact I'm a monster for realizing that MAPs are human and that my intrusive thoughts give me more in common with them than the mentally abled - especially since I too am a paraphile. I hope one day you calm the fuck down and learn to have compassion for other wrongly demonized people.

Hey there, big fan of you and your fanfiction and I just need to get this out and “vent” about this to someone, and I feel like you may be the only one to understand and validate this opinion lol.

In the tmnt 2003 series it just ANNOYS ME so much on an unreal level how Mikey gets treated by the show writers. One that really annoys me is just SAINW and the good genes arc. Good genes for obvious reasons, we were robbed basically of that whole thing by them changing Donnie to be mutated instead of Mikey, but I never saw anyone mention SAINW’s potential before.

I CONSTANTLY see the statement “Mikey adds nothing to the team” and its just because THEY NEVER SHOW IT!! THATS WHY!! His role is supposed to be the heart and the glue that keeps the team together. The one that brings light in their dark ass lives. They had the perfect opportunity to do this in either good genes or SAINW and they blew it. Everyone knows Donnie has a role to play, so why not let Mikey be teleported to that future instead and have him be the one out of time. It just makes so much more sense to have that, to actually SHOW people the role he plays in the team and family. He could still even be a badass in that episode if they wanted, but just let him and his audience have that moment of realization in his importance. It could have worked for Good Genes too!! I just dont get why they barely let Mikey do shit or have any angst moments when others get plenty of it. And yea I know Laird was in control of the whole thing and Don was his favorite so that obviously means angst nepotism but still. Its just frustrating to see how people wont look at the bigger picture to see how important he really is. Its just UGRHHHH!!! Its even worse that 2003 is most peoples goto for the franchise whenever 2003 themselves rarely did Mikey any justice!! Its like I have to resort to fanfiction instead of canon because they actually just GET IT more than the writers do. Like I feel like Im going insane on this topic to the point Im ranting to my therapist about it because of my ocd compulsions and reassurance seeking includes this shit.

Im really hoping mutant mayhem will be different since Seth Rogen’s favorite is Mikey, so hopefully he will actually do him justice; with his works being Invincible and The Boys, im having high hopes for the writing capabilities of him. Here is to hoping if that it is the case then MM becomes the status quo.

Sorry for the rant, this has been on my mind for fucking ages and I feel you might be the only other one that I can say this to lol.

Awww, you remind me a little of me back in 2016 when I started this Tumblr as a literal storage place for ideas on exploring Mikey's psychology.

We DO have to resort to fanfiction! It's actually been that way since the late 90s. Uh. I helped start it. Got diagnosed with ADHD, looked at 2003 Mikey, went "guys hear me out" later got diagnosed autistic with the help of the people who coined neurodivergence, looked at 2003 Mikey and his brothers again, went "Sure, it's all of them!" and sat on it for years before writing it here.

In that time, there cropped up some writers who just really preferred to play with his silly side more than the rest of him, especially after 2012. I think we're going to cycle around to more 03 fanfiction pointing out Mikey's unspoken skills beyond mouthy, crafty, irritating, or weird.

That reminds me, I have a chapter to write from Leo's viewpoint on that.

I am deeply terrified of being an evil person, unknowingly or without being able to fully face it.

Not just becoming evil, but simply being a fundamentally bad person. That my intentions are wrong and I am actually lying to myself. That I have manipulated myself and everyone around me into believing I am a kind person. That my existence in itself has a bad impact on others because it is inevitable for me to do harm just like any human at some point in their life maybe ? Because its impossible not to ? No, this is me trying to normalize sick behavior actually.

I often feel like I am imposing, like people are simply tolerating me, and when they try to reassure me I feel even worse because what if I manipulated them ? And it leads me to think I am even worse than I could picture. I interpret everything as proof that I am deeply terrible, including my loved ones trying to tell me the opposite, to the point where I am not only lying to myself but manipulating everything and everyone around me so I never have to face the truth. And if at any point I let myself believe my intentions are true and I listen to the side of me that doesn’t align with those thoughts, it feels like I would be loosening my control and enabling my deeper “evil” intentions, letting them slip.

Its like I have a phobia of my own intentions. I’ve been looking into it and everything is leading me to OCD related articles, its a disorder that was brought up to me when I was in therapy and also when I was seeing my psychiatrist but that never really got dug into because ultimately when they asked me a few questions about it I didn’t have clear “rituals” and struggled to keep track with everything in my life… I am putting this in the OCD tag to know if anybody else has had thoughts like these ? If any of what Im saying even makes sense… And if so Im curious if theres somewhere I can read about it ? I dont mean to intrude as I have not been diagnosed, but I feel like this is where I could find people who also struggle with intrusive thoughts as well as maybe something like this ?

There’s a part of me that knows. That recognizes the absurdity. That finds it almost laughable. But still beyond wanting to know wether it is true or not, I want to understand this belief better. Is it my inability to face my failures ? An irrational fear of doing harm ? Of becoming like those who hurt me ? They couldn’t face their abuse so how could I ? I have noticed most people who do harm aren’t aware of it, even the people who abused me through my life were pretty much oblivious. And if they were, what’s stopping me from being as oblivious as they are ? But could it be I’m just afraid I can’t trust myself ? What made me feel like I cant trust myself and when ? Because I almost always have… One thing I’d always been in tune with was my gut. I recognize now I haven’t been able to trust my own thoughts and memories since I was gaslit by my ex through last summer. Maybe there’s a correlation.

I really want to be careful, though, with the terms I am using. I am so sorry if what I have said seems offensive or hyperbolic, I tried not to write mindfully but I understand it could be beyond me and something only others will see. I am open to feedback and discussion and sincerely hope I didn’t trigger anyone with my words.

I've been questioning on and off since i think, 2020? 2021? if im plural or not. At first i decided that no im not, because i dont have did/osdd/etc and I wasnt open to the idea of any other form of plurality bc it was always looked down upon. I stopped thinking about it for a while but more recently I've been having trains of thoughts that dont really feel like they belong to me: im not sure how to explain it, its not a voice, feels more like a thought that was placed into my mind but doesn't belong to *me*; but then i was thinking maybe im just personifying my intrusive thoughts etc + i have a history of experiencing paranoia/delusions too so, yk

We dont really switch either. I space out a lot (i do dissociate, im just quite confident i dont have any form of disordered plurality) and it occasionally it *feels* like im not in control but I know I still am. The most "out of control" i've felt was doing something and feeling that it was *influenced* by someone else, but not actually done by them. A lot of the things I thought were alters (back in 2021) were also more fragments of myself, I would say (minus one guy who's more distinct, but idk if im just making all of that up.)

I'm not asking you to tell me "yes, you are definitely plural" or "no definitely not" of course, I'm just wondering if there's any input or anything you could direct me with or anything ? ^^;

first sorry if you have been waiting on a reply, tumblr apparently isn't showing us notifications for asks anymore. Also our answer will be above the read more, and we'll stick some resources, blogs, ect under that we think might be helpful.

So a few things, starting with some general stuff for when you're questioning things plural and otherwise.

On the "am I making this up or not?" we encourage anyone whose questioning to distinguish between "making something up/faking it" and misinterpreting things when looking at their experiences.

If you aren't purposely forcing things or consciously creating them then you aren't making something up, you can misinterpret one thing as another but if you aren't trying to do something then you aren't making it up, making something up/faking it is a conscious choice.

We also encourage anyone questioning anything to worry less about "am I right about this lable?" and focus more on "does this label help me/make my life easier/explain things to me?" It takes the pressure off about being wrong and focusses on what the thing means to you specifically.

If you decide to identify as plural and find that no, this doesn't actually fit there's nothing wrong with going "nope not actually me" and continuing on with your journey.

We've gone through many different sets of identities and pronouns before we found what fits, because often the only way to know is to see if it works. The importance thing is to make sure that whatever you choose fits you, instead of you forcing yourself to fit it.

We definitely recommend journaling or doing some sort of tracking to see how you feel about different things over time. Honestly a small notebook you keep in your pocket and jot down any stray thoughts or influences would probably be a great start.

Its actually something we did when trying to sort out the influence of ocd from schizospec from plural. It can help you see patterns over time that would otherwise be really hard to spot and also having an external record helps avoid a lot of the pitfalls of human memory

Onto the more plural related stuff. So one thing to note is that its not at all uncommon to not directly hear anything or feel others beyond stray thoughts and feeling influences especially with plurals who aren't fully aware of being plural yet.

Internal communication often takes time and practice in order to become reliable. Its not something that you'll regularly see in plural communities online because by their nature most have some degree of awareness and internal communication, otherwise they wouldn't have sought out the community but it is completely normal.

Feeling like others in brain are versions of you, or fragments also is not uncommon. Its another experience that doesn't get spoken of on here but its one many have, smile/Wren/Ghost are some of our oldest members and started as alternate versions of each other before becoming more individual. Some find that as members become more aware and communicate improves members become more differentiated some stay the same, either way its not an unknown or weird experience.

One thing we highly recommend for you is looking into the median community and their experiences. Median falls under the plural umbrella but covers those who feel their system is less differentiated/closer to singlet.

Okay this is already huge and I think we hit on most points but please feel free to ask follow ups about anything we've said

- Everyone

Blogs

@median-culture-is

@multiplicity-positivity

@inclusiveplurality

@pluralpolls <— good for getting an idea of different experiences in the community

We'll also add our #accounts and narratives tag to this post, not everything is plural but its our tag for collecting different experiences so there's probably some stuff there that's useful

me and my partner have been doing couples therapy for a few months and tried it a year or two ago. I love him, but honestly, I'm so super frustrated at this point. I feel like ever since he moved out here I've just become so...complacent. I know it's not fair to blame that on him because the truth is the COVID pandemic just turned me into a mildly agoraphobic depressed shut-in that hasn't really recovered. but I was hoping to have my partner move in with me would help but I feel like it's been draining, not just financially but also emotionally. He is genuinely a good, sweet person and I love him a lot, he just has so much past trauma that affects what feels like EVERYTHING in our relationship. and like, I have my share of baggage, but it's just exhausting. I feel like we are incompatible in just a basic living together situation. For example, I really really really HATE when things are dirty, it makes me legitimately upset. idk if it's a latent OCD thing or a dad-trauma thing or what - but the fact remains I hate it. I also really can’t stand messy things, but I can manage it, also I end up being really messy in my. own room so I can't judge other people for it… but I feel like our home has just been so dirty. :| I really am not happy most of the time bc the constant dirtiness is upsetting and I feel like when I try to take a weekend to clean everything it never stays that way and it's like a losing battle. I’ve talked a lot to my partner about better-dividing household labor and chores, and its helped somewhat but  its been such an uphill battle and honestly it’s just not enough for me. He helps a lot with hlike stereotypical "guy" stuff like electronics or appliances and the cats and the car which is great- but I need help with day to day shit. I need help with COOKING which has been a huge huge point of contention between us. At this point I think i really just want to live alone. I want control over my own space, I want to feel comfortable and clean and safe. I don't want to break up with him, but  right now we are not good housemates. Honestly, I’ve never had a roommate I liked living with except Hannnah because she was just as much of a clean freak as I was and super nice, it was really amazing. Every other person has been hell. Maybe its just because of who I am. I dont know. I feel really bad about this, but its just a lot of things adding up. Maybe some physical space apart will help make things better. I'm just tired of feeling like a parent and a caregiver, I'm tired of feeling like I can't rely on my partner for BASIC things, i'm tired of doing a lot of the emotional heavy lifting. And honestly I’m kind of pissed about the finances in our household which is a whole other thing.

This isnt to say I'm not difficult and he hasn't done stuff for me, he has! i'm very difficult, I'm moody, and particular, and he does a lot for me to comfort me. but I don't know. I just feel bad bc i feel like I’m arguing with someone who is trying  to convince me they’re helpless and incapable of doing basic shit. I can just never tell if  I’m  too much of  a callous hard-ass with too high expectations of people or I am lacking in empathy or compassion. Sometimes it feels that way. Sorry for this vent I just needed to write it down.

I'm using this font incase you answer, dont feel pressured to.

I'm a lesbian have known since I was 11 years old (I'm 20 now ) and lately I've been having really uncomfortable thoughts about sex w men and its making me like....question if im lesbian? I don't get turned on by these thoughts especially when im having sex or getting myself getting off, just very uncomfortable to the point of tears. I really don't know what to do because I've never had sex with men and Im anti porn so I don't understand why my brain (essentially) terrorizes me. Help!

Hi ! So, why do you think the thoughts are uncomfortable to the point of tears ? Why aren't you turned on by them ? It's because you don't like these mental images, as simple as that. If you don't like them that's self explanatory, people don't always control their thoughts or don't always produce thoughts that they'll like. What you're describing seems similar to what I've seen described as "ocd thoughts", though I'm not an expert on the matter. The thoughts however are not real, not what you are, which is why they're called intrusive.

Common intrusive thoughts are fear to do something embarrassing, to hurt yourself and/or others, thoughts or images of sex, intrusive ptsd memories, doing something illegal or violent, thoughts that something will make you die (like a disease for example). So maybe that's what you're now experiencing, since you don't have a physically or mentally positive reaction to these sexual thoughts. Just for the information, those are pretty common among the general population (you can have just one type of intrusive thoughts), it's when they become obsessive that it becomes a problem. Remember that what you are is the reaction you have to your thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. If a thought makes you sick, if a thought makes you feel terrible and empty and Not Really You inside, then this thought is not you and your brain (which has the capacity to malfunction, like any other body part) is messing up with you. Xx

(anon who asked about how you found out you had szpd, again)

would you be able to describe what the 'split' in schizoid pd is like for you, personally? and would you believe it is generally the same among all schizoids or can their personal interpretations of the split vary depending on who they are?

in addition, i'm having trouble telling how to differ between szpd symptoms and personality traits and ways of being as a person, since i presume schizoids' experiences will vary as they're all their own people, too. i'm unsure whether you'd be able to explain this for me? that may seem peculiar and i know you're not the SzpdTM Authority pfff but you're the first person i found to ask

i ask this as someone who is wondering whether they have szpd but who has a Loooot of issues in dealing with figuring that out (plus doubt is not fun when you have ocd and obsessively intrusive thoughts that revolve around trauma conditioned mindsets that are contrary to accepting and understanding myself in relation to the pd, let me say that...) so i just figured i'd send another ask ^_^ once again your answers and time are appreciated!

hi again. i have to assume it can be similar between other schizoids as much as it can be different but since i literally do not know anyone else whos schizoid i really dont have much to compare my own experience to. my own experience is much like how it was discussed in the post i linked before. my "inner" world is very very rich, i cannot tell you just how much time i spend immersed inside my self where it is considered "safe". even as a kid i thought i was just a 'maladaptive daydreamer' but its since evolved way past that. like, to a point where i cannot imagine a world in which i dont rely on my inner machinations. mostly i can just describe it as making ocs and literally focusing on their world almost 24/7. its a "safe" situation which i can entirely control. i dont think i can go even an hour without retreating back into that world, even when im entirely alone and theres nothing to "hide" from so to speak. where on the other hand the way i present myself to other people is very stereotypical. ive been called a robot and the like. i lack empathy and i never reach out to people first. im not entirely stoic, mostly because i dont think any person can truly be entirely emotionless, but id describe the feelings as very fleeting, at least for the outside world. i get over arguments very quickly because its simply not in my nature to be angry for very long. when i do cry (which is very very rare for me even in the safety of my room) its for 5 minutes at most and i immediately "get over it". my joy feels more like instant gratification instead of something lasting.

i cannot really tell you just how much of who i am is because im a schizoid or if its just my normal personality i wouldve had regardless. mostly because i think just in the way schizoid forms it makes it very difficult for us to hold onto a certain identity. i mean we're literally the personality disorder without a personality. ive spent years trying to figure out who i was, went by 20 different million names, used 20 million different identities, etc. i feel slightly more solid in now, which is interesting i suppose. just the fact that i am a schizoid has given me a good identifier in who i am. on my insta i cannot even begin to describe to you just how much i mention my szpd. its all i talk about sometimes. when i had a job last year (which i quit because customer service is um... it doesnt work for obvious reasons) it was all i talked about. because it was all i had to identify myself. now that im jobless and about to start college, ive latched onto Being A College Student because its all i have, and its all i feel safe sharing to other people. that last part is important because i truly do think we have personalities, its just we dont feel safe showing it to the rest of the world, by showing it, the delicate way in which we control our inner environment will be "invaded" by the "outside world". its one of the reasons i quit art. i could not stand showing my art to people and then them forcing their own emotions and ideas onto it.

im sorry about the last paragraph you sent. unfortunately i cant really help or give much advice beyond what ive already said because it just came so naturally to me. well it wasnt that smooth obviously, but the only thing i really had to get over was my own self doubt and thinking that one regular experience or two entirely invalidated me being a schizoid (which it doesnt). the best i can say is i wish you luck and i hope my annoying ramble-y paragraphs helped you in some way. as always feel free to send more asks and i do hope you can find other schizoids to talk to! my own experiences are very limited.

i think the thing that gets me the most about stupid ass internet discourse about the moral purity of using the objects that are fictional characters as meabs and modes of sexual pleasure is that the excuses that people who are against it and think thought crimes are a thing are so *fucking ablist about it*. Like let me be clear, a solid 95% of people who are into that kind of shit are trauma survivors/victims. We get into it sexually as a way for our brains to cope with the traumatic events that happened to us. To make things that WERE and ARE *fucking terrifying*, things that keep us up at night in fear, not only palpitable, but pleasurable. AND SINCE ITS ALL FICTIONAL-- no one is actually getting hurt!!!! we can recontextualize our feelings in a way that is safe to LITERALLY everyone! and guess what! as long as you can still enjoy sex without the need to think about your fucked up kink, youre actually fine!! in fact, youre normal and healthy!!

Now, dont get me wrong. I DO think that if you make art about it, it needs to be tagged and posted places where minors cant get at it, because some people do get into certain things because of a minor(as in small and not underage) trauma around having unsupervised internet access too early minor(as in underage and not small), and thats what we're starting to see pop up around now with a lot of folks; but either way, if it is tagged and filterable, YOU, yes you, are the one responsible for curating your internet experience and if you dont know how to, frankly you shouldnt be anywhere outside of a search engine online. digressing from that too, if you filter out the things that you dont want to see and are triggering to you because you healed in a different way, you are 100% valid in doing so, so long as youre not screaming at the people who are healing in other ways that theyre "doing it wrong" because then, really what that says is that youre NOT healed. Because if you were healed, you wouldnt care what other people do if no real living person/animal was getting hurt.

You are not entitled to anyone elses personal information, when you go online. Some people might even be doing things to make it look like whatever is wrong with them ISNT wrong with them. You saying "anyone who does this is a freak and a pervert and a pedo who needs to be shunned from society" isnt helpful. it doesnt stop it. The only thing youve done is assert that "hello. i am an ablist and absolutely NOT a safe space for ANYONE who has any desire to heal from their trauma-related disorder. In fact I hope you die instead. You should be absolutely nothing but ashamed of what happened to you and the well-documented psychological responses it left your developing brain with". Like i get it, its fun to shit on Freud because 95% of the time the things coming out of his mouth were batshit. But Freud Was Right about A Lot Of Things. Specifically about Developmental Trauma and things people find uncontrolably sexually arousing down the road. AND AS LONG AS YOU CAN RECONTEXTUALIZE THAT AROUSAL TO *ONLY FICTION*, YOU ACTUALLY HELP *SOLVE THE PROBLEM*!!

and dont even get me STARTED on people with OCD who LITERALLY cannot move on from fucked up intrusive thoughts after they have them, or after someone makes a comment like, say, this post. All youve done is make them feel horrible too, over things that arent true and arent hurting them. Or the folk who suffer from delusions, who will believe more people are out to get them than the amount they thought prior.

Youre not "proctecting kids" or whatever the fuck, because if you WERE, you'd be lobbying for not only more therapy and better sex ed, but also better control over our collective internet experiences including advertising-free safe spaces for kids, and more massive archives of free well-tagged and correctly-tagged sometimes pornographic art something similar to ao3! but youre NOT. Youre projecting a belief not dissimilar to the religous trauma some people experience growing up that is only going to serve to blow up the issue and get more people to look at more fucked up shit online, earlier.

Youre not "taking a stance and stopping pedos", youre in the denial stage of your own minor(as in small) traumas because theres no safe spaces on the internet anymore since social media and capitalism fucked all of us, and the people with Major traumas dont have anywhere else to recontextualize that shit in a safe way anymore.

alone

i dont have any friends. i live at home with emotionally unavailable parents and my brother, who is my only semi trusted person. we are really close and honestly if i didnt have him i wouldnt be alive but we definitely butt heads and i feel bullied by him even though he doesnt mean to hurt my feelings hes just a blunt ass bitch and 6.5 years younger than me but the dynamic is basically im a big baby he feels the need to take care of. and were codependent with weed nicotine and money/food. im a mess and cant get a job, he does instacart when hes not stoned af at home. hes the only person i interact with during the day other than awkward convos with my mom complaining about something and at least once a day i have to hug my dad which makes me very uncomfortable because 1. im autistic. 2. i have sexual trauma 3. he has traumatized me so bad but either doesnt remember or doesnt think it was traumatic (didnt involve incest but he was too involved in my personal business and forced me on birth control that fucked up my health for a while when the incident that caused him to flip was asault but my mom just slut shamed me and yeah anyway my relationship with them is fucked) but i have ocd and if i dont hug them i feel like theyre gonna die after that thinking idont love them because they cant see any other reason why i wouldnt hug them. and honestly im touch starved so a hug is nice here and there but my body is so uncomfortable here. ive lived here my whole life and i feel helpless. im sure it is learned helplessness because of trauma but still i cannot fucking function outside in the world alone.

i also have tits that make me uncomfortable and im currently trying to figure out if i feel this way because im trans or because of trauma and the general sexualization of the female body and social dynamics idk. i also just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with someone i thought i was going to marry and shit but i felt like i was a lesbian and broke up with him even though i didnt want to lose him i knew he wouldnt love me the way i loved him or if i was a guy inside he wouldnt love me anymore. i know he loved me. but a lot of it feels fuzzy and i cant decipher what was real or if it was all chemicals cuz we fucked and smoked and ate and watched tv and talked all the time. the sex was fucking amazing. sometimes i cry about it still. and i still cant touch myself without thinking about him and just forcing myself to dissociate through it and sleep immediately after. ive always been a sex addict since i was way too fucking young but before this relationship i was sleeping with multiple guys all the time, i needed it to get through going to school and work and keeping up the mask. but then covid hit. met my ex. realized we are autistic. i couldnt keep pretending and forcing myself to work in a fucking restaurant that was sensory hell and triggered my eating disorder. ughhhhh god dammit i know im just romanticizing my ex relationship because im missing the sex and affection and talking to him but realistically we werent going to last and i still feel like we both were hiding some feelings or thoughts we had idk i think he couldve been a narcasisstic asshole but my heart doesnt feel that way, maybe im the narcasist and hes just audhd and traumatized just like me. idk fuck. i miss him so much. we were doing so good like finally things felt peachy again and looking up for us even tho in reality it wasnt we were and are still broke addicts too stubborn to get help. but it was fun while it lasted i guess.

anyway i feel like a rabbit in a hole running out of food and water while the world dances in the snow covering the exit. idk. i havent eaten breakfast yet and i already smoked twice so im sure ill eat and sleep this shit off but idk the thing that gets me everyday is i wake up from a dream i feel like im with my ex and then wake up alone and sad as fuck and it just ruins my day because i let it, i dont want to let go of the pain, of him, i fucking miss him and wish things could be different. we always said we wanted to die holding each other in bed like that couple preserved in pompeii. my chest is on fire right now and if i could just have one more night together id do anything. we have the same birthday so that sucks. i wanted to say happy birthday but it felt way too soon and idk if itd ruin his day or not but iwas def sad all day. we broke up 2 months ago now and havent spoken since but i saw him twice waiting to cross the street while i drove by and my heart sank to my ass. he looked good af. but i have to be honest with myself its not my responsibility to try to make him not angry and act like a man child sometimes. and its not fair tohim to feel responsible for my moods all the time we just couldnt take care of eachother the way we needed because we are both depleted of what we need idk. im going back to sleep. im just feeling emo we shouldnt get back together but i feel like i cant trust my brain because im bpd and pmdd and i always feel this way around my period, we break up then my periods over and im sad as fuck about it and regret it. its too late now im sure hes lost any interest in me and has moved on.good for him. he should. i actually really hope hes happy right now. but i know i didnt feel completely right with him so fuck it ill just try to move on. i just wish i could be normal and have a job or school and friends stuff to distract myself and have new memories but im so isolated rn and depressed idk. i might feel fine tomorrow so i wont kms lol. bpd is sooo fun. especially with gender and sexuality ocd and just wanting to be loved but feeling so unlovable ayyyyy.. i could feel hot after breakfast who knows.

dont worry about the time of replies!!! we are in different timezones anyways

JDNNWBS THANK YOU ?!!?!! feel free to study me under a microscope im an interesting lil guy i think youll have a blast

oooooo yes yes i see ur vision.... the way i go with is that floyd isnt that fond of the contacts but his eyesight is so horrible that if he doesnt he bumps EVERYWHERE. jade had to put it in him the first time and hes slowwwlyyy getting used to it, but he immediately takes it off when hes in his room. floyd is very "when i put on my glasses and the walls have texture, ppl have faces & the plant have leaves" to me LOL. also side note i loooove caring azul that doesnt want to admit it so much <3

theyre girlie pops to me does this make sense. i have some hcs for their fashion too xhhshs these guys have RUINED me

would you believe me if i told you that i was already in lovw with riddle and then i did my hcs and boom. even more in love u

THIS REMINDS ME I DIDNT SAY THE RACE HCS I HAVE FOR THOSE THREE ?!?! ok so the tweels are black italians + vietnamese, while riddle is wasian (british + korean&chinese)!

OH AND I ALSO FORGOT TO SAY i hc that riddle needs glasses too :3c but she uses contacts! when hes overwhelmed he tends to isolate himself and he either tends to the hedgehos/flanmingos or tends to the garden/maze. and her meltdowns are much like her a anger fits, she just gets really really upset and wants to throw things around and behead people, hes very agressive! to calm him down you need to put him in a comfortable & familiar room, preferrably with tons of red (his favorite color), and talk to him normally about the things he likes + offer solutions to the problems until he calms down.

anyways silver > autism, narcolepsy. uses he/ him and is bissexual (no preference), but does Not get gender at all. i hc that fae's perception of gender is different than humans, and since he was raised by lilia he does not understand humans' genders. so he just goes w the flow haha. his hands are trembling slightly allll the time he cannot stop it. hes chinese + has albinism ! bc of that he gets burned pretty easily, has to eat a balanced diet and his eyesight sucks just a little, so he doesnt need any glasses or anything. yet. he has some small scars from his training, his hair is mullet-ish and very long, and he dyes it black + leaves some white strands to match w lilia. whenever he gets overwhelmed he lays flat on the grownd, belly down face on the ground, puts a blanket over himself and then just Stays There until it passes. his meltdowns are quiet he just stares off into the void and considers yanking off his ears lol. also he has some bite scars bc sebek used to bite him when he was changing his baby teeth, silver has a necklace w them!! he understands animals better than he understands ppl and he can recgonize every single species. thats his special interest btw, animals!! hes mostly a horse girlie tho <3

sebek > autism, ocd, auditory processing disorder. the reason he yells all the time is bc he cant listen very well + cant control his voice volume. he also uses he/him & is bissexual but, much like silver and bc he is a half fae, he does not get human gender. technically speaking he could be considered bigender too! i hc that in the future, he (and riddle + the tweels too) would take estrogen :3c and HE WEARS BRACES !!!! cmon crocodile teeth are kinda horrible and his dads a dentist. so. yeah. also he has some scales, but theyre so few and mostly on his arms + legs, so they are covered most of the time! hes very resistant to physical stuff, rarely feels pain and doesnt get tired easily. if he does use his magic, though, then he gets tired pretty easily, since his half human body cant keep up w the fae magic. his hair is a MESS he passes so much gel and it still sticks up a bit. hes so into the lighting motif hes COMMITED !!!! also horses just hate him for some reason. principally vorpal (riddles horse) lol. when hes overwhelmed he does push ups, runs, just trains in geneal. if its too loud he just yells SHUT THE FUCK UP and everyone is stunned so they do. he feel really bad after though djsbnds .... his special interest is malleus draconia (lol) and dragons :3c

OOOOO so cute and silly ...... ok ok i'll write something like tgat no worries :3c anything else youd like to see in the fic? i can shove smth more!!! im gonna cook. wait for me

all I could think about while readinf this was "estrogen could save them..." Like if I was bad at responding to asks that is ALL I would've said in response; but luckily I am autistic and could not bare to just leave it at that.

Jade having to help Floyd put in his contacts for the first time makes me also think that like, what if Jade has to do it every morning. Every single morning from the day they first came on land they've had to put them in for Floyd... Brotherly bonding time EHAHAHAHA But that's the only way F could get used to it, they can't do it on their own otherwise they'll mess it up or stab themself in the eye or whatever. "Having Jade do it is just easier" he says. Jade doesn't complain about it either because she'd rather have to do it for every day of their lives than have Floyd get seriously hurt because he can't see SHIT. Anyways...

Sil and Sebs having little to no connection with gender bc of being half fae/influenced by living with fae is so, so real. and true. If I'm correct, Silver is just human? And being raised by Lilia who is VERY gender in ALL sorts of ways, I think Sil may have had a few gender crisis' over the years because of it (I sure woulda), starting from a very young age. But like he's fine now he's chill with whatevevraarrrr (I LEAVE TO GO DO SOMETHING, COME BACK AND SUDDENLY NOTHING I JUST WROTE MAKES SENSE??? what is bro blabbering about. anyways.)

Overall I so so agree with all ur hcs they make so much SENSE !!!! I have nothing more to add to the rest of it you're just so correct that I can't think of anything more anything else to add to the fic errmm... uerhhmm... Well we could have maybe... *brain thinking sounds*

... I don't even remember what I said last time btu that's okay I think you should make them kiss 🔥🔥and also make up 🔥🔥 (I alr made that joke I think. I'm so unoriginal.) Uhmmm you could make riddle CRY 💧💧💧💧I don't kno w you could make them uhmm you coud uhhh *send post*

May 21, 2023 11:09

Ive been able to stop taking multiple of my medications this past year that I was taking for either my insomnia or for my bipolar 1, one of which being high dosage of lithium. Since Ive stopped taking lithium for awhile now Ive been able to really see how my mental illnesses affect me, Ive been medicated since 8th/9th grade. Its making me think that my bipolar isnt actually bipolar. Im thinking I might have bpd. And I want to say, I am in no way trying to self diagnose. There are multiple things I am concerned about one of the biggest is my anger. I have never been known to be/get angry. Im a people pleaser. But recently Ive been getting so angry that my body hurts because Im trying to contain it and not start screaming. My boyfriend and I got in a fight with his mom and things got said that crossed a line and I scared myself. It had gotten me so angry that if he wasnt there I was afraid I was going to start screaming in her face and slap her. Ive never understood the saying of seeing red when youre angry until that moment. Just any feeling I do feel is so intense like Ive never felt before. It fucks with my whole body. And at the same time almost anytime I get sad in any way I shut off my feelings if that makes sense. I will start to space out and in my head I hear a voice telling me I have nothing to be sad about and all this. It makes me feel so numb and it makes it feel like Im trapped behind my eyes just watching my life play on, feeling almost like Im not even controlling my body. Im worried about this and yet Im too scared to be honest with my psychiatrist, she probably wont believe me like she didnt when I explained my ocd which I had 2 other doctors agree with me. I feel lost. I feel like theres no point. I dont want to be on so many medications either. I dont know what to do.

3/13/23

i did some ifs after my entry the other day and i felt a big wave of calm come over me. ive been worried ill get the stomach flu since i know its going around in the city and fen caught it and a woman at the flea market was saying they were talking about it on the radio-although it could have been the bacterial disease too. im slowly unpicking the terrible knots of the last couple of years, trying to go slowly and not break any threads, trying to be attentive and patient as i can be. i got to see shady and it was so nice. we talked and talked till the small hours, last call at the bar. it felt good to talk about ian in full and have everything be validated and related to. it demoted him slightly, broke up the fiction slightly. he hasnt responded to my text, i still dont think he will- but the thought doesnt break me. ive broken down my responses a little- i dont think my ocd is as a reaction to current instances of lack of control, but it feels to me like an octopus or a leech; im always pulling its grasp off of something just for it to grab onto another thing immediately after. i unhooked it from the foodborne illnesses fear and now its holding tight to being worried about the virus. not different, but not the same i suppose. my will is so bent to protecting and holding and validating that lagging ball of grief. i and my will remember the momentum in moment of ian because my will was free- i knew at that point my life was huge, and everything bigger around me- i could do anything i wanted. i suspect the lack of control i felt im my relationships(especially aggravated by both m’s), with s, and all of the little stressors made that little part feel really unstable and tug the sleeve of my will so hard it had no choice but to comply and appease. im slowly trying to work its fingers loose. school is almost wrapped up and im having a hard time thinking about what i want to do next spring. just a year to go from now, and ill be done. i know shady and callum are probably moving back east after shadys done with their ME and theyd like for me to come along. im terrified of leaving my grandparents, however, and terrified ill love the east and not want to come back, and terrified i wont like the east and itll be a huge waste of money and time, all at once. but i dont know. theres something about dark little rooms, parquet floors, lead paint and hurricanes. something about the written word, something about the first steps my ancestors took in the us, something about the cultural heart of this colonized land.i know i need to get better before i go, i really need to work out all the trauma and everything. i need to let go of the idea that the smaller something is the easier it is to control. i have no say in whether i get sick, not really. and i have every word in right over how i spend my life! i have to figure out how to remember that my will is my choice, and to live for myself! im holding so much guilt with seemingly no origin and no destination. 

the days are a little longer now, the plum blossoms are opening and i can feel myself squirming with possibility under my fear and doubt. I want out!

idk fucking know.rant ig??? not big idk

but like i ibly rlly have 1 friend that im close to and thats ive opened up to about my austism and ocd like even a bit,,,,, and like my autism is fine or whatever and sure sometimes idk how to deal with people but its fine and we joke so its cool but my ocd is like,, a legit problem for me that I dont joke about but they will,,,, like sometimes i will casually mention it around them but they will joke abt it and like kool whatever,, ocd isnt happenong rn so idc ig

but like she was telling me how she went to a hincent van gogh exhibit abt his life and depression and how she cried at the 'ear'aser in the giftshop after, , and like its a hood point,,, people like to portray him cutting off his ear as like some cutesy joke or romantic gesrure and not like a seriours mental break down and self harm,,, which like cool she cares abt mental health and uknow the seriousness of it all

except when its roght in front of her??? like i messaged her when i wanted to pour boiling water on my foot to 'clean' it and half my brain was fully on board with it and the other half was like no that will make ot worse stop,,, so i messaged her as like idk a reaching out for some sort of help or distraction from my stupif fukcing brain,,, and she was just like,, no why would you do that? and was just argueing with me,, like thats not logical,,,, and I FUCKIING KNOW THAT WHY DO U THINK THERE ISNT BOILING WATER ON MY FOOT WHILE IM TEXTING U,,, and shes just like but why would u eevn think that,, like rememeber ur precious vincent van gogh and his fucking ear and my fuxking ocd,, and shes just like,, ohhh

and i talk to her when i was worried about getting sepsis from a small cut on my toe,, and shes just like no ur fine, uve not got sepsis obvi,, and like i brought it up again cuz its the only thing my brain would think of,, and she got annoyed that i kept bringing it up and now she fuxking jokes about me being obsessed with sepsis and that i just always think i have sepsis

like sorry my brain literally cant stop worrying abt this shit,, sorry i have phantom pains from my ocd that make me worry more and continue the fucking cycle

anyway today i was like ugh im gonna have a headache after yards,, could just feel one starting before it uknow,, and shes like just drink from the water fountain,, and i tell her i cant bcuz there was like a weird bottle on it and other debris around it and my ocd cant handle that,,, and she just tells me to drink from it and that its not an issue,, and when i was like ya no my ocd rmemeber she says shed drink some from it and then i could becuz were liek made from the same stuff so same body,,, and like how can i explain in a concise way that ya u can drink it fine but u r not me with stupid brain disease that doesnt care for logical conclusions and that no we dont have the same body were not even related and the fact i was vomiting for like an entire day not too long ago so my brain has been pretty weird abt it since,, and i cant so i instead say smth like,, no were not the same body and i was sick at christmas and i would still feel ill or throw up because my brain placebo would still fuck it up

she still pushes me to just drink from the fountain cuz its not a big issue but like to me it is,, another friend had a water bottle and offered me some amd that end the conversation so thank god they were there otherwise id have to argue my own thoughts to someone,,, do you srsly think i want my actions to b this illogical,, no i want to just live and be able to carry on without brain worms controlling what i can and cant do

but like its so frustrating to have to argue logic and reason with my own brain,, i dont want to have to have the same arguement with a friend that cant seem to understand how much it affects me because im not currently screaming crying and cutting my limbs off

and it sucks becuz shes like the only person i an talk to but she just doesnt understand and doesnt seem to care

my finger has a cut on it at the moment,, similar to my toe,, and its fucking with my brain,, only thing i can rlly think of,, but i cant talk to the one person i can talk to becuz its just an annoyance to her and i should just get iver it,,, not like i can feel other pain in parts of my body that my brain is relating to it and not like i had to convince myself that my gums were a normal colour (they were) and not blue black,,,, but i cant even just b like o ya my brain thinks im dying can u distracct me cuz shes just be weird about my mental health and bring it up later as a joke

but i dont rlly joke abt my ocd,, i make some nokes abt having it but not my actual symptoms and i feel weird eevn fully talking abt it in case someone find out, doesnt take it serious and doesn something on purpose to spite/upset me,, so for her to make jokes abt my symptoms without even showsing any sympathy while im going through them just fukcing sucks,,, and like ive not daid anything bcuz idk how to breatch that topic,,,,, ummm i think u dont care abt my mental health and it makes me not want to ever talk to u abt it but at the same time ur the only person i can talk to abt it and the jokes make me super uncomfy please inhenrently knpw what my brain needs thanks,, i just,, ik shell be like sorry im not good at reading ppl so i didnt realise cuz thats what she said abt the van gogh and me boiling water foot thing ,,,, like babes u know abt my asd and ocd and im currently telling u abt my distressing thoughts,,, thats not people skills im fucking telling u im going through it like RIGHT NOW and u just do not care

ok this rant was bigger than i thought,, oop

my arm aches now and i need to frind smth to ditract me from the urge to chop ny finger off 🙃🙃🙃

No judgement. I just want to ask if you're sure you dont have an ED, because it sounds like (the beginning of) one

yyep! pretty sure

and since I'm oversharing on here all the time anyways:

When this all first flared up when I was a teenager, I was still in therapy once per week.

The topic came up, I asked about it and got accessed and the end result was that I am not presenting like a typical ED patient, most importantly because the flareups were always tied to something regarding my mother.

Someone with a regular ED might have had it triggered by a parent or another person in their life, but ultimately it stays a behaviorial pattern for them.

So for me, this was rowed up with the other things I have going on because my mother has borderline personality disorder and is not and has never been treated for it. She got the diagnosis like 5 times as far as I remember, but always just stormed out of the therapists office and would complain to people about "feeling insulted" and when we told her to maybe do something about it, we had to "accept her as she is".

Children of people with untreated, rampant Borderline tend to have symptoms for all sorts of stuff, usually Borderline itself and/or depression and might seem to show symptoms for OCD, EDs etc but ultimately these things are always stemming from learned behaviors that come from the Borderline parent.

In my specific case, whenever my mother felt like she lacked control she'd call me fat and lazy, she'd tell me I was disgusting, make comments on "how long my favourite jeans would still fit", comment on anything I ate- sometimes even things she gave to me. To this day whenever I am with her she will bring up the topic of bodies and size and eating at least once, always in a very bad tone. Very often she'd literally stand in front of a mirror and insult herself for her size, for her shape, whatever- and she's never been big. And I'm not talking self-criticism, she literally throws slurs at herself and sometimes starts screaming so you can hear her through the whole house.

My reaction to my own size, eating habits and how I restrict myself are learned behaviors I have from my mother, and I think right now they are flaring up this badly BECAUSE I'm actually heavier than I've been before (not by a lot, I'm low mid-size still lol) , plus my mother is calling me very frequently recently (and she ALWAYS brings up fatphobic topics during those calls, even if I ask her not to)

This also means I can't handle it like someone who does have an ED, I'll have to handle it like someone recovering from growing up in an abusive household (which is precisely my case).

And, not to sound mean, but this is also why I don't support self diagnosis. Because if I was to self diagnose, I'd say I have mild borderline, have an eating disorder, and mild OCD. I do have symptoms for all of these, so if I didn't know any better, this would make perfect sense- but a trained therapist or psychiatrist is able to look at the full picture.

so, TL;DR: Yes I'm sure I don't have an ED because this is part of my symptoms coming from my mom having Borderline Personality Disorder and letting it out on me